#it can snipe your ass from 30 miles away

[a-stoopid-person]

Ok, so, was bored and thought "what if i made my own little gopro thing..." So here we are

It currently has no name, because it's basically just a consept at this point, but I was thinking it would have been less a murder toaster and more a Construction Bot, like, it was built tanky 'n strong to help humans with their construction things.

The "wings" have been changed into excavator arms for digging and lifting heavy things (Doubles as a good defense when attacked by enemies, and obliterates the weak, frail ones), it's arms are lanky and can be used as hooks to haul things up and make sure nobody gets crushed by faulty cranes (Grapple arms that can stretch like Spinel from Steven Universe), Doesn't need blood to survive (uses thermal energy to keep going, but blood is still on the menu >:3), wasn't originally gonna have any AI implemented into it but was fitted with a modified version of the one used in the V Models (less murdery, but can still choose violence by default) at the last minute.

Probably would avoid V1 & V2 out of fear and not wanting to be annihilated, definitely met Gabriel once when he was trying to find V1 after their first battle, got it's arms cut off in the process (dw it fixed itself)

Yeah- so, uh, just a brainfart-

[orcabouttown]

This week: Archery, and why I do not respect it. As with the handheld weapons post I will reiterate that debate will not only be discouraged but actively punished via combat.

Long long ago we had a simple means of settling our disputes - grab a large item and beat the fuck out of each other with it. This started with the humble rock, then a club, a primitive axe or hammer, then not so primitive axes and hammers, then swords, maces, flails, spears, battlehammers, nunchucks, just about anything really.

Two parties with a score to settle would square up and beat the shit out of each other until one or more could no longer continue due to death, dismemberment or similar impairment. This method of conflict resolution was also a great means of procuring food from larger animals in our territory, specifically by using those weapons to turn them into food. Strength matched strength, skill decided the fate of a warrior, and then some pussy invented archery.

Don’t get me wrong, I know projectiles have always been a part of our repertoire, before we used a stone to bash we probably tried to chuck it as well. If you can chuck something at someone and do some damage then fair play to you, that’s a spur of the moment gamble that could have panned out really badly and you’re lucky it didn’t.

Archery, however, is the conscious decision to remove yourself from the battle as much as possible while taking potshots like a dick and acting like you’re contributing.

Picture this, you spend years training for war, mastering the sword, spear, and axe, riding day and night to practice horseback fighting, training to be strong enough to run in your armour and fight like a demon. You pull up to the battlefield ready to bring pride to your homeland, and then THUNK. Some prick a quarter mile away and his buddies decided to just launch a bunch of pointy sticks up into the sky like Retro Lawn Darts and played a numbers game as to who would hit you.

I ask you, how is that fair? How can you face your ancestors in the next life and tell them, “Well I honestly have no clue how well I was going to do because someone rolled a D20 and sniped me before I could do any damage.” Answer: it’s not fair at all! It’s the equivalent of playing Mortal Kombat 9 with your girlfriends roommate who always picks Noob Saibot and always spams his teleporting move which is basically impossible to block, and she acts like it’s a mistake but really, who makes a mistake the exact same way 30 times in a row? Who I ask you? Her, and archers.

And yeah, fine, it looks coooool or whatever when you see an archer nail a sick shot because it’s a sKiLl tHeY’Ve MasTeRed but all they’ve mastered is being a top tier shitter and ruin everyone else’s fun time on the battlefield.

“But Mr Orc!,” you’ll whinge, “orcs use bows too! I’ve seen it!” And you’re right, some do. The term for them is Cowards. You’d think when Bolg struck Kili with a morgul shaft I was cheering him on wouldn’t you? Nope. Kili, unlike Bolg, actually had some balls and was tearing it up with a sword and dropping bodies like a clumsy mortician. Bolg only solidified his cringe status by wussing out and shooting him rather than run up on him with a blade.

You owe your opponents a fair shot in equal combat, and if you think it’s acceptable to half ass it by shooting at them from out of stabbing range you have all the honour of a Republican. Archers are guys who sleep with socks on, enjoy pineapple pizza, say shit like, “You’ve got a case of the Mondays!”, repost art and crop out the artists name, restart a game when they’re losing, and generally they chew with their mouths open and wear crocs. These are objective facts and not up for debate.

Remember, if you rock a quiver, I’m stealing your liver.

Until next time Brethren.