#it can really take less than a week of being around my extended family to remember why i was suicidal during my teenage years

[ladychlo]

x

[keelt9]

HEARTSEASE

Masterlist

“Damn it” It’s the second time in less than 5 minutes that my finger got stuck in a flowerpot, if this keeps going it will be purple by the end of the day.

The sound of the door makes me stand but my hopes get crushed; my finger is already turning purple.

“Hi, how can I help you?” My eyes are stuck to my finger, maybe a band aid will help.

“Hi, I've come to pick a couple of bouquets.” I remember Lilian left me a note next to the computer of the customers that come every week without fail.

I shake my head, raising my eyes… you must be joking.

“Am, Joe right?” Joe nods, taking out his credit card. “Give me a second, I’ll bring it.”

In the back room I have my little crisis, Lilian told me a <Joe> always comes Tuesday morning for 3 bouquets of flowers, she didn’t have any specific type of flowers he prefers, but he clearly likes tulips so she made sure to have 3 bouquets of tulips ready. 

A little issue, she forgot to specify that <Joe> is Joe Burrow.

I take a deep breath walking to the counter with the bouquets, fighting for my life for not making a huge scene.

I’m not a huge fan of football but being raised in a family who loves it, makes me really aware of who Joe Burrow is, plus he’s so handsome face to face. 

I follow the protocolary steps for a sale, however a painful finger complicates a few things.

“Are you new?” His question along the judgy face to my finger made me laugh. “I don’t trying to sound rude, it’s just I've never seen you before.”

“No, I get it, don't worry.” I choke my head trying to explain how the hell I end it here. “Am, I’m Lilian’s friend and partner.” 

As we finished college Lilian was pretty determined to follow her dreams, be the owner of her own florist's, so for a full year worked in set everything, until she realized she didn't have any clue of how to make this work. A late night call and her persuasive speech was enough for me to turn on her partner. 

Lilian is in charge of all the flower things and me, I’m pretty good with numbers and paperwork.

“Oh, you’re her neuron girl?” Since middle school Lilian has given me that nickname after she knew I was the highest score in math in our classroom. Like she said, <I’m the hands, you’re the brain>

I nod smiling. “I am.” 

Joe smiles, extending his hands. “I’m Joe Burrow.”

“I know!” Way to a cheerful answer. “Sorry, I know.” I answer in a calm tone, shaking his hand.

“So, you’ll be working here?” He asks looking around the florist's, a little bit messy, opposite of how Lilian used to have it.

“Oh, no, no, just a few months until Lilian sets her new routine.” He narrowed his eyes. “No way!, You don’t know? Don’t offend but for being one of our best customers, it’s kind of impressive.”

Joe laughs scratching his nose. “She’s going to get married. Right now she is with her fiance in South Carolina, giving the big news.”

“Oh, she told me something about a big change, she didn’t specify.” Another man enters looking between the bouquets. “Well, I leave you, thanks.”

I nod, smiling at him. “You’re welcome, thanks for coming.”

“I guess, I see you around, right?” Joe asks before turning away with the bouquets in his hands. 

“I’m afraid you do.” He laughs walking to the door.

Lilian of course sees my awkward interaction with Joe through the security cameras, in my defense if she even mentions or specifies who Joe is, all be more calm.

“Don’t worry, he just passed one per week, so you probably will see him a few times.” Lilian said before I change the topic about their tour for South Carolina announcing to the closest friends and family of Jason, her finance.

The day passed as I got used to the movement around the florist's and all the handy tasks, the administrative ones I have under control. 

“Ok, ok, slow, slow.” Colin, my little brother, makes me laugh. We spent an hour in a video call explaining to him his calculus homework. 

I explained to him one more time, like if I teached him to count for the very first time. “Got it?” 

The door announced a new customer. “Hey, I have to go, practice and call me in case I need to explain to you one more time.

Collin nods, biting the tip of his pen before raising his eyes with a smile. “Take care, it’s starting to get cold.” 

“Love you.” I nod laughing for the way he scratches his forehead, for sure he will call me.

“Hi, how can I help you?” I close my laptop. “Joe, hi.” 

Joe is waiting next to the new bouquets I made this morning; as I analyzed my words I opened my eyes. A week has passed? I don’t have his bouquets ready.

“Shit, sorry, I don’t have anything ready but if you give me a…” Joe giggles, shaking his head.

“It’s all right, I actually came early.” He has his hands in his pockets. “I have a… flower emergency.” 

I tilt my head. “I need a bouquet so, what better than to come to my place of trust.”

“Oh, what do you need?” Joe looked around but his eyes stuck to the bouquet next to him.

“These are…” I feel very proud that it calls for his attention. 

I walked where he was with a proud smile. “Heartsease.” Still his eyes didn't move, probably that wasn’t the one he was looking for. “But if you…”

“You made it?” His honest curiosity made me smile.

“That obvious , huh?” Joe laughs but raises his hands.

“No, no, it’s pretty, I’ll take it.” My eyes wide open. “If someone hasn’t taken it already.”

“NO.” Jesus! I should control my voice tone. “I mean, no, I’ll get ready for you.” 

I take the bouquet feeling proud, after all it’s my first own made bouquet that sells.

“Here you have, and your card.” He takes the bouquet and his card. “Thanks for your purchase.”

Joe nods, walking back to the door, but stops. “Can you have another in two days at this hour?” 

I smile. “Of course.” Joe nods with a press lip smile.

“Then I see you tomorrow.” He walks outside of the store smelling his bouquet with a slight smile on his face.

That's how he passed every two days for the same type of bouquet… for 2 weeks, at the beginning I made sure I had it prepared but with time I took my time to make it as he was in the store, sharing good talks and laughs with him.

Getting closer to the guy who’s making these days more comfortable and easy going.

“It’s late, what the hell are you doing there?” Lilian complained after I picked up her video call. 

I switch the camera so she can see I’m making the last bouquet that I totally forgot I must deliver early in the morning. 

“I have a lot of flowers to receive this week and I totally forgot, so here I am.” Lilian giggles, she looks tired but happy. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, of course, just a lot of movement around here.” She shakes her head. “Hey, for two weeks and looking at the numbers you’re dealing pretty well there.” 

Our sales are maintained and even on some days increase, making me feel proud. 

“Joe shops help a lot.” It’s been 5 days since he stopped coming after a game outside of Cincinnati.

“I guess, it’s pretty weird though.” She remains in silence thinking. “Maybe he has a girlfriend”

“Yes, I think the same, I guess the flowers work all the time.” I put the last flower on the bouquet to talk freely.

She winks her eyes. “Told you. However please send him a bouquet, the hit he received last game seems pretty nasty.” 

“What hit?” Lilian rolls her eyes, sending me a link of a video, where you can see Joe has been literally smashed against the ground. “Auch.” 

“You know there are more than 49ers in the league, right?” She’s fully aware of my family being big fans of them, after all, that’s where we live. “His address is on the computer.” 

I see how her smile brightens the sign that Jason is in the room, confirming it when he appears behind her giving a kiss in her head.

“Hi, Y/N.” He greteen me. “I promise, give me  another month and she’ll be yours one more time.” 

I laugh seeing how they look at each other. “Oh, no, she’s fully yours now, believe me.” 

They share a quick kiss in front of me. “Oh my, I’ll leave you, it’s nice to see you Jason.” 

The couple laughs as he waves his hand before disppared. “Don’t forget the bouquet, ok?” 

“How could I?” I said before hanging out, seeing the bouquet I forgot to do days ago. 

After a long day of coming and going Gael arrived at the store for the last delivery. Gael is a boy, similar age as Colin, who Lilian contracted months ago; even at the benign I was reluctant, meeting him made the decision look so easy. Since the first day he helps me everytime he can, even teaches me things Lilian does and I don’t even know.

“This is the last one, I promise.” He sat in the chair next to the counter tired of going all over the town. “You can go after this.” 

Gael shakes his head. “It’s fine, I can help you to close.” 

I smile while putting the note in the bouquet. “I can handle myself, go, you deserved it.”

“Ok.” He stands taking the bouquet with him. “See you tomorrow Y/N.”

I smile waving my hand, a bouquet of tulips and heartsease on the way to Joe house.

Wednesday morning is going so relaxing after a busy week, this seems to be my relaxing day; for the day Lilian and I have been talking about taking a week off and going home, like she said after all <You’re running this alone> but I will reserve that for thanksgiving. 

It’s Colin's last Thanksgiving before going to college, so I want to be there to enjoy the holidays with my family.

“How do I look?” Gael came out from the back of the store with nice clothes for his date. 

I clap loudly making him feel shy for the way he clears his throat and stands straight. “Be careful boy or I’ll kick you out of here all right?”

Gael nods hugging me, I just help a little bit with the outfit selections. “Promise. I have to go or I’ll be late.” 

He was almost at the door when I saw the bouquet. “Hey! Take this.” Gael searches in his pockets. “It’s on the house.” 

He took the bouquet of my hands kissing my cheek. “The best bosses in the world.” 

I laughed, pushing him, making some things fall on the ground. As I picked them up hearing the door open on close one more time. 

“Now what? What do you forget?” I stand hitting my head with the desk. 

“Omg, are you all right?” Joe approached as I held my head. 

A smile appears on my face. “Joe, hi!” Yes, it hurts. “Yeah, it’s just a bump. I think I’m the one who should be asking you that.” 

Joe laughs, making me sit on the chair. “I’m better, thanks for asking.” He sat on his feet to be at the level of my eyes. “Are you sure you’re ok?” 

I nod. “Yeah, nothing a painkiller won’t take away.” I shake my head feeling his eyes on me all the time. “Tell me, how can I help you?”

“Yeah, right, I came for a bouquet.” I nod but he doesn’t move so I can’t stand.

“Am, I need to stand to give you the bouquet.” He blinks and stands.

“Right, sorry.” I smile. “Can you put this on the bouquet?” He gives a small envelope.

After all, I think Lilian is right, Joe has a girlfriend.

“For someone special?” I look at him raising my eyebrows, his face turns red and giggles. “Ok, I get, what do you want in that bouquet?”

“Same as always.” He walks around the shop. “Hey, thank you for the bouquet from last week.” 

I started to prepare for it. “Oh, I hope at least you won’t miss your three-day-bouquet.” 

I heard him giggling, but I’m pretty focused on my task. “Do you mind taking a look at the note? I don’t mind a second point of view.”

“Sure, I’m warning you, I’m not good at romantic advice.” After cleaning my hands I opened the small envelope. “This is a chessy note or a r…”

My words stuck on my throat. <Can I have your number?> I tilt my head, no way… He’s just about to ask for her phone.

“Wait, you don’t have her phone?” I asked to save the note one more time. “Sorry, probably it’s not my business.”

I return to my job. “It’s kind of cute, so yeah, I’ll go for it.” Joe appears behind a big bouquet licking his lips. 

“You think so?” I smile at him, nodding. “By the way, I tried to thank you but well, hmh, I don’t have your phone either.”

“You have it from the florist's.” I said searching for the ribbons. “A color in mind?” 

“No, please, I’ll leave you to your choice.” I picked the lavande color, as he stayed quite. 

I finished the last touches, set all the flowers, put the note one more time in the envelope and stuck softly to the bouquet, carefully so I don't smash or damage any flower.

“Here you have.” I give him the bouquet smiling proudly, making good progress with my time work. 

“Thanks, hm, I guess, I’ll see soon.” He looks kind of confused, like he is missing something. 

“Good luck.” I smile at him, his shoulders dropping as he walks to the exit. 

My phone lights one, a message from Colin, he gets an A+ in his last exam, after two long weeks of working on the same topic every night. 

“Shit.” I run out of the store, after something clicks my head. “JOE!” 

Joe is about to get into his car, when he saw me coming out of the store, I reached him as he held his door open. 

I told him my phone number, but he doesn’t get it, for the way his eyebrow frowns, making me giggle. “It’s my phone number.” 

“Oh.” He takes his cellphone out, taking note this time. “Got it.”

“I’ll leave, I don’t want you to make her wait.” I wink at him. “Have fun!” 

“It’s ju…” His words were cut for an old man shouting my name.

Mr. McNeill, one of the spoiled customers Lilian, he every wednesday morning came for a bouquet of roses for his wife, who passed away 3 years ago, after picking up, he goes to her grave to give her flowers.

“Sorry I have to go, but hey, tell me next time how it goes for you.” I said walking backwards. “Bye.”

I ran to reach Mr. McNeill who was holding the door for me with a smile, wearing his classic brown suit. 

“A new friend?” He asked as we entered the florist's. “I could swear I have seen him before.” 

I laugh with my head backwards. “I bet you do, and yes, it’s a new friend.” 

“Another person who will miss you.” I shake my head feeling shy. “That’s cruel.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll have me…” I look at the calendar on the desks. “Another two months.” 

Mr. McNeill smiles, taking his wallet from his pockets. “Same as always darling, please.” 

I nod walking to the backroom where the bouquet it’s ready, as he observes the flowers spread all over the counter for the just made bouquet.

“Heartsease, huh?” He takes the flowers. “First love, right?”

I nod smiling. “How do you know?” 

Mr. McNeill grabs one flower and smells it. “My lovely wife made me learn a lot of the meaning of flowers.”

Both of us smile looking at the flowers. “Well, I’ll leave you, do you mind if I take one?”

“Please.” He took the yellow one, putting on the bouquet. “Perfect.” 

Mr. McNeill smiles. “Did you find your first love darling?” His innocent question left me speechless, causing him to chuckle. “It always comes, right to our door.”

[georgegraphys]

I think we have to acknowledge two things and these two things have correlations to each other nor it is fully wrong or right

a) Antonelli is/is going to be a talented driver

b) He is not ready for Formula One right now

Those two points exist and they don't have to contradict each other. Both of them exist at the same time and it's alright.

Kimi is fast. There's got to be a reason why Mercedes wants him (or even if it's just Toto). The pressure on him is immense with the constant yapping made by his team and boss and also the literal expectations people made that "oh he'll beat this, he'll beat that". When George steps in to Mercedes, no one expects him to beat Lewis Hamilton straight away but somehow some delulu people expect Kimi to pull a world championship on his first year.

A person could be really talented. They could be a wonderkid. But when we're talking about Formula One, it extends beyond just being "fast". You need to have the physique, mentality, talent, and connection to be in Formula One. You're going to have to race 24 races in a year, some of them were double headers, triple headers with sprint races and more. Not to mention you got to have the mentality as well to deal with the public eyes on you, the social media spotlight, and some teams' have a crazy amount of PR duties to be done by their drivers. Formula One, in this day and age, extends beyond racing. It is more than racing whether we like it or not.

Mercedes are one of the teams that has a crazy amount of PR work from sponsors for their drivers. It's just 4 months and 9 races in and George already has 31 duties, averaging on 1-2 per races and 1-2 off-race. And all of those were done in between media day, practices or even before and after quali. Sometimes it's so fast paced that he had limited time in some events because he had to travel again to another event in such a short amount of time and you can't say that does not take a toll on someone mentally and physically. It does.

Then apart from the public duties, we have these crazy spotlight from fans, general public, and the media. One bad race, one mistake, one bad radio transmission and they will grill the hell out of it for days, and weeks or even months for the obsessed people. And if you see how it is for F1 athletes on social media right now, it is very easy for them to just throw hate. Fill your comments with threats, cyberbullying these athletes to hell and back, and do other vile things.

My point here is that in these recent years/decade, racing has extended beyond just racing. Whether you hate it or like it, you need to accept that. It is no longer just turning into a race weekend and just racing. Drivers have crazy PR duties ahead of them now, they have crazy spotlight ahead of them. Every piece of their private life is scrutinized. Look at those freak WAG fan accounts on instagram and tiktok. Look at how people dig into a driver's past, family, and relationship. Look at the general media twisting around words and narratives to gain more clicks and milking slight misunderstandings. For someone like Kimi who has yet to a) polish his driving skills fully when people expect the craziest stints out of him b) reach the matured age and is basically still a minor with all these expectations on his back. It is very wise to say that he is not ready for what Formula One is currently and he should be given some time to prepare himself instead. I'm not saying that Kimi would flop like "driver A" or "driver B". He is talented. But the way Formula One works nowadays? You can't just be talented and fast. You need to be ready, physically and mentally. You can pull a Max Verstappen as an example, but F1 in 2015 and F1 in 2025 is DIFFERENT. Things work differently now and you can't refer back to how things work 10 years ago where there are less spotlight.

Not everything needs to be a "gamble" when the consequences can be avoided and you can do it with better ways.

[zhonglicious]

𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬 - 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤 (𝐡𝐜𝐬)

☾✧ ft. rin itoshi x reader

☾✧ warnings. please take note that this is set after blue lock! rin's a professional player now. mentions of chubby reader. emotional ineptitude, familial issues, child neglect (on rin's part). light angst (itoshi brothers angst included). fluff!

☾✧ a/n. finally writing for blue lock. like most of my works this is done bc i procrastinated on something i rlly don't want to do. god. well either way this might be a bit ooc or not as Exact to rin's character. bear with me here <///3 i may have gone a little overboard. can u tell i love rin itoshi. lowercase intentional :D

⋆ rin itoshi... our dearest rinny... where do i even begin with him :((

⋆ to be completely honest with you, it took you quite a while to get him to even remotely warm up to you. rin thought he didn't need anything or anyone other than soccer. after all, it was the only way he could be by sae's side again, as his brother

⋆ the itoshis grew up in a very neglectful household. sure, their parents fed them, clothed them, sheltered them, educated them, but they never really took care of them. not in the way a child needed to be taken care of

⋆ so all his life, rin has never known affection, not in the way everyone else does. the closest thing he's ever had to it are walks back home, stopping by the convenience store to get ice cream. a hand ruffling his hair gently, a few comments about their last play

⋆ when you were trying to get close to him at first, rin's walls were an impenetrable fortress. his time in blue lock mellowed him out just a little, but at the same time, sharpened his sharp edges even more. rin is blunt and curt with everyone on the team, and that behavior extends to you

⋆ so for the first few weeks, rin is cold and unfeeling towards you. as the team's manager, this was an obvious problem because you needed to know at least just a little about him to be able to do your job properly

⋆ rin viewed your attempts at interacting with him to be... odd. which is the mildest way to word it. he didn't know why you were trying to be so friendly with him, always there to hand him water or a towel after practice. you did it for everyone on the team, but something about it just rubbed rin's brain the wrong way

⋆ he didn't need your help, god forbid your pity. he would rather die than be pitied, which is why your relationship started off on rocky waters

⋆ but over time, rin found himself softening. yes, rin found himself adjusting, and sometimes even looking forward to your interactions

⋆ not just you, even the team noticed how rin starts being less harsh around them. his shoulders are no longer squared, jaw no longer set, and no tension pulling his muscles taut. this, ultimately, is how you start worming your way into rin's heart

⋆ now, as i've said, rin isn't accustomed to affection. he doesn't know how to show it, and he doesn't know how to receive it. however, whether he's aware of it or not, his main love languages are quality time and physical touch

⋆ when rin isn't on an overseas game or whenever he has free time, you guys spend it cuddled up in bed. usually, it's with the curtains drawn and the lights dim or completely off, your laptop on the bed playing a horror movie

⋆ sometimes, rin gets caught off-guard by really well done jumpscares, or he's tense when the movie is particularly suspenseful and/or eerie. he's holding you close to him, your back against his chest, and you can feel how his muscles are tense, almost as if ready to grab you and make a run for the nearest exit

⋆ of course, you've also taken a liking to teasing him

⋆ "are you scared? hehe" "i am not. shut up"

⋆ his answer is a low, embarrassed mumble, and you just laugh and burrow yourself further into him, knowing you're right and that you won

⋆ while all the characters love all body types i just know ong there's a special place in rin's heart for soft, bigger people

⋆ like. look at him, it just makes sense???????

⋆ he would love cuddling you. he's all hard ridges and solid muscle, and your plush skin offsets that. hugging you makes him feel safe, like he's being given a warm embrace that he never got in his childhood

⋆ yes this is me coping and self projecting but anyways

⋆ rin isn't really a big fan of pda. the furthest he'll go is hand holding as you guys walk, or a kiss to the top of your head or your cheek. however behind close doors i know he's the type to just absolutely cling to you everywhere

⋆ cooking? clinging to your shirt or hugs you with his arms around ur abdomen. about to sleep? cuddling the everloving shit out of you, sometimes even puts a leg above yours. just. he's surprisingly very clingy when in a relationship

⋆ he also likes to randomly gives you kisses. you're gonna be doing nothing and then suddenly he's padding over to give you a kiss anywhere he can reach

⋆ now, like all relationships, your relationship with rin has... ugly sides

⋆ rin isn't very in tune with his emotions. due to him emulating sae's behavior, he didn't dwell on his emotions, pushing them aside to find a more logical reaction

⋆ so because of that, rin never really learned to process his emotions. so he has a lot of difficulty sorting out his head, where you have to help him do so

⋆ at times, he seems cold and aloof. this was a point of conflict between you two at some point, because you felt like he didn't want to spend time with you or that he didn't love you as much anymore

⋆ this is especially true when it comes to soccer. sometimes, it's as if you'll always be secondary to his love for the sport. you know that's not the case, but sometimes you can't help but think that because of how absorbed rin is with it

⋆ rin loves you with all his heart but the problem is that he doesn't know how to show it, how to tell you. so you're going to have to be patient with him. he's trying, he really is, because he really really fucking loves you. he's trying his best because you deserve to be given as much love as you give him. so while he may not be the best at communication, by god does he try

⋆ on that note, rin has severe abandonment issues. he needs to be constantly affirmed that you love him, you want to stay with him, that you won't leave him, because he's scared he'll lose the most important person to him again

⋆ rin isn't exactly the "ideal" or the "best" boyfriend, by traditional means. but that just means there's more room for him to grow, so much more room for him to engrave your touch and entwine your existence with him

⋆ rin is unfamiliar to affection, much less love. but now that you've shown him what it's like... maybe he'd be fine with accustoming himself to the feeling

tags: @softbajis (lmk if u wanna be tagged for future works!)

[tapintorealities]

Shifting Is Part Of My Daily Routine.

I recently decided to make shifting part of my daily routine.

Being autistic, routines are very steadying for me, and vital to my wellbeing. A morning and evening routine especially, but also just... knowing what to expect from day to day, week to week, etc.

Countering my routine-oriented brain on "When Is the Right Time to Shift" has been a battle that I didn't realize I was fighting. My subconscious has been stuck in this reality's routine, and trying to fit shifting in around that. So, I might as well work with my natural inclination for routine!

[Note: of course there's no Right or Wrong Time to shift; time isn't even really real. I'm just giving myself a confidence boost by working within the system that best suits my (autistic) brain in this reality.]

My new morning routine is as follows:

Every morning, I (🐿️) have coffee with Mackenzie (🦆) [see pinned post for explanation, lol]. Sometimes friends/family/versions of myself from other realities will pop in, too. But Mackenzie is always there.

Right before my physical body wakes up in this reality, I shift to this gorgeous European café to sit and chat with people from my other realities.

It's a world where everyone is aware of shifting and visits from other realities to just be around people who get it. (It's a world y'all are more than welcome to visit, of course!)

Mackenzie and I (and others) get together to chat about the expansiveness of the universe (and less existential things like our latest hyperfixations, or sometimes we just play board games and sip our drinks).

It's usually about 1-2 hours, but can last as long as we want to, because it has no effect on time in our other realities.

So, sometimes we might extend it into the afternoon, maybe take a walk down to the beach we can see from the café's patio, etc.

But it's the first thing I do every morning, before my physical body has even gotten out of bed. I'm always full of energy and my mind is active as soon as I shift my consciousness to the Café, no matter how physically tired I might have been in my main reality.

It's always safe, warm, and sunny with a refreshing breeze. Oh, and the food's free. :)

When we say goodbye and wish each other a good day, I come back here, physically wake up, journal about our coffee hour (and anything else that comes to mind), water my plant, have breakfast, get ready for work/errands/etc., and go about my day.

Shifting is literally the first part of my daily routine.

I can choose to shift to a different reality from there instead of waking up here, if I want to. But it's really less about shifting to other DRs, and more about having my morning coffee with people I care about.

Feel free to join me in that world, or take inspiration for your own "Reality Shifters' Coffee Hour" if you wanna! 💖

[noxjanes]

A/N: Laisle wears this outfit in game now as her main outfit with her previous main outfit being used for important meetings and less day to day and combat use. I also have had ideas but no inspiration to write the stories,until this one. I did start writing Rhunuk from Lais’ perspective but I lost inspiration. But here is a fluff prompt with Lais and Theron after the 7.5 update on Hutta. “How long have you been standing there?” “Longer than you’d like.”

Laisle stepped out of the refresher on her Fury Class interceptor starship, she had just returned from a long mission on Hutta. The former Dark lord had lost the Jedi padawan she was trying to help. As the blonde put the towel to her hair, she sensed a familiar presence near her. “How long have you been standing there?” asked Laisle to her lover.

“Longer than you’d like. When did you get back?” Theron questioned.

“Not too long ago, I lost Sa’har Theron.” Lais responded, wrapping the towel around herself while she entered her adjoining room. Laisle grabbed her normal gear that she wore around Odessen, opting to keep her hood and mask off.

“You did everything you could honey.” Theron consoled. Laisle looked at her husband, her blue eyes held all her emotions, anger, sadness, regret, remorse. The former spy was never great with emotions, but the woman he loved was hurting in more ways than she would ever lead on.

“Come on, Lana taught Lea the basics of force shoves and she is excited to show us how much she learned.” Theron said while standing up and extending his hand to his lover. Laisle chuckled upon hearing what her most trusted advisor had taught her daughter.

“Thank you, my love. You know how to help more than you know when I’m this upset. I think I was so frustrated because of how I left my siblings when I was taken to Korriban. Sa’har left her brother the same way I left Skye and Christian, just she was taken by the Jedi. His anger was strong, he blamed her for everything. I think it’s how I thought my family would feel, that they’d blame me for escaping.”

“You will find her, and your siblings don’t blame you, they understand you tried to get to them, but you had to survive yourself. Now let's go watch our oldest show us what she learned.” Theron reminded his wife.

The pair went to the Force Enclave where Lana Beniko and Lea Shan were to watch what the child had learned.

“Mommy! I wanna show you what Auntie Lana taught me!” Lea squealed when she saw her mother. The pink hair falling over the child’s left yellow eye. Laisle and Theron leaned against a wall next to a Chiss Jedi Master who was meditating. The pink haired child had a training dummy in front of her that she was supposed to gently push with the force, so with an audience she used all her might to push as hard as she could. The training dummy moved back a meter from where it had started.

“Great job sweetie!” Theron cheered while Lais threw her fists in the air in excitement.

“Why don’t you go get your sister and pack some bags so you, your sister, mom and I can go on a vacation. I have an idea for a trip all four of us can take, but you and your sister need to get ready, can you do that?” Theron asked.

“I can do it dad!” Lea responded, sprinting out of the Force Enclave giggling to herself.

“Where are we going? I need to pack for us, tell Lana what needs to be done, prpar-” Lais started asking but was cutoff.

“Its somewhere warm, we will be gone for one week, the state of the galaxy is not up to you. You are taking a vacation, your mom, dad, brother and sister are meeting us there, a mysterious benefactor reached out about a new housing opportunity and I took it. Now go pack warm clothes and I will tell Lana how to reach you.” Theron explained while showing his wife to the door.

Laisle walked to hers and Theron’s room where a bag was open on her bed, the man had really thought of everything, Lais thought to herself. She grabbed her more casual clothes, as well as some more formal outfits for both of the adults. Theron planning a family getaway for her was exactly what she needed after her mission not ending how she wanted. Laisle grabbed her favorite swimwear to wear around others, Theron being the only person she felt safe around to show all her scars, both the battle scars and the emotional ones. The final things the blonde grabbed were some towels and the toiletries her immediate family needed.

“You almost done honey?” The girls have their bags packed and I have T7 ready to help us get there. Your Fury is prepared and your dad just said they arrived at the villa. The rooms will be decided when we get there, since the property is in our names of course. We just have to leave.” Theron asked from the doorway.

“Yep, all that's left to say is where we're going.” Lais responded, grabbing the bag before her husband could. Theron led the way to the Fury, where the two kids were.

“Let’s head to Copero for a week to relax.”

“Copero? You? Theron you aren’t allowed to be there after what you did last time.” Laisle responded.

“They forgave me for that. Besides you forgave me, why are they any different?”

“I married you, they had to deal with your most stupid idea. Treason isn’t usually forgiven.” Laisle reminded her husband.

“You’ve been to Copero before mom?” Lea asked

“When I was pregnant with you I went there. Your dad was an idiot around when you were in my belly. I had to stop people from hurting your dad for breaking all their rules.” Laisle explained to the child.

“I hurt people including your mom to protect her, but she didn’t need me to protect her. I’m gonna go tell T7 to take off so we can get there and talk more on the way.” Theron said to end the conversation. As he walked to the bridge, he thought about how much his life had changed in 15 years. He no longer worked for the S.I.S., was married, had a family and had finally started to learn work/life boundaries. He was happy.

[sequinsmile-x]

Stained Glass Windows - Chapter Twenty Six

Life was complicated, but they wouldn't have it any other way.

-x-

Hi friends!!

As always, thank you so much for the love on this fic! This chapter is much softer than the last couple, giving our favs a well earned break from what I am putting them through in this story!

Please let me know what you think, your reactions genuinely mean the world to me!

-x-

Words: 3.2k

A full list of warnings for the fic can be found on the Series Master List and will be updated as we go along.

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

“I remember when our girl's days started with shopping and then ended in a bar, not the McDonalds in the mall’s food court,” Penelope says, smiling as she pops a fry into her mouth.

Emily chuckles, “It’s in the rules that the pregnant woman gets to choose where we eat.” 

“That’s true,” JJ chimes in, having a sip of her soda, “I always got to pick when I was having Henry.”

“See,” Emily says turning back to Penelope, “If you want to pick you have to have a baby of your own.”

Penelope visibly shivers, shaking her head, “No thank you, I am more than happy being the cool Aunt to Henry and Nugget.”  

Emily frowns, scrunching up her nose as she smiles at JJ before turning back to Penelope, “Why are you calling my baby ‘Nugget?’”

“Well since you refuse to find out what you are having I’ve had to improvise,” Penelope replies, nodding towards the box of McNuggets in Emily’s hand, “Plus chicken nuggets seem to have become one of your main food groups lately.” 

Emily clears her throat, her cheeks red with embarrassment, “I’ve been craving them.” 

“All I ever wanted to eat when I was pregnant was this one particular taco from Taco Bell,” JJ says sympathetically, smiling wryly, “Poor Will went out to get it for me so many times in the middle of the night.” 

Emily laughs, “Aaron has half-filled our freezer with nuggets, Jack is always delighted when he comes over.” She knew that Aaron was, at best, a few weeks away from hiding vegetables in her food just like he did for his son.

“Did you get everything you needed, Em?” JJ asks, looking at the bags of clothes on the spare chair at their table.

Emily nods in response, “I got a new bra and a couple of pairs of pants,” she says, scrunching her nose up, “None of my actual clothes fit me properly anymore but I’m going to try to put off buying maternity clothes as long as I can.” 

“Just think, before we know it we’ll be throwing your baby shower,” Penelope says, her excitement clear, and Emily chuckles wryly, “Which reminds me, I’ll need your mother’s number so I can contact her about that. I tried looking for it but it’s listed as classified.” 

Not for the first time, she finds herself grateful for the way she was raised, the way she can hold herself together in moments like this. It had been just over a week since she had seen Elizabeth, and it still stung when she thought about it, about how everything had gone south so fast. She was grateful that her mother had, so far, stuck to what she had asked and not contacted her, but it also hurt. An unspoken confirmation from her that she had chosen alcohol over her daughter. Over her grandchild. Despite everything, she still didn’t want anyone else to know, her need to keep it private, even from the people she considered her extended family, overriding anything else. 

She supposed, on some level, it was probably a good thing she’d never seen her mother that often anyway. It would make things less suspicious, but she’s sure questions would come further down the line when the baby arrived. 

When she and Aaron decided to finally get married. 

She twists her engagement ring around her finger and smiles at her friend, “That’s not really her kind of thing,” she says before reaching for her drink and taking a sip before she expertly, switches the conversation “I’m only 17 weeks Pen, let's not wish the time away. There's a lot to do before then,” she finishes her fries and sighs, the salty food taking the edge off of her rising panic for everything she and Aaron needed to organise before the baby was born, “Like finding a place to live.” 

It was a discussion that she and Aaron had started having when they found out she was pregnant. She loved her apartment, it had been her home for longer than anywhere ever had been before, but she knew it wouldn’t be enough for their growing family. Whilst the baby would be sleeping with them for the first few months after they were born, she didn’t want to eventually force Jack to share a bedroom with his sibling when he was with them. 

She wanted a house, a home. Somewhere her kids could grow up and run around together. Somewhere they could get covered in mud in the backyard. Everything she’d watched in the movies when she was young and convinced herself she’d never have herself. Aaron, despite having moved into her apartment less than a year ago, agreed, and part of her wondered why they hadn’t just bought a house then. If she was honest with herself, she knew it was because a part, a very small part, had still wanted some kind of control of the situation. 

“Have you still not found something?” JJ asks, well aware of the difficulty, and stress, of finding somewhere to live when pregnant. 

Emily groans, shaking her head as she places her hand on her stomach, her almost constant indigestion bubbling away, “No. Aaron is insistent on splitting everything down the middle which is insane,” she exclaims, blowing out a breath, “I have all of this money just sitting in my trust fund.”

They’d been disagreeing about it almost as long as they’d been talking about buying a house. She wanted to use her money, to buy them somewhere they could live forever, but Aaron was hesitant. She could never quite figure out if it was incredibly misplaced machoism that made him feel like he had to be the provider, or if he was just uncomfortable with the amount of money she had, or if it was both. 

Either way, it was frustrating, and she knew this was something they would likely run into a lot over the years. 

“And you have how much in that trust fund?” Penelope inquiries, making both Emily and JJ laugh, the question a regular one on every girl's night since she’d first confirmed their suspicions that she had a trust fund at all.

“Pen, if you can’t get that information out of me when I’m drunk, you have no chance when I’m sober.” 

___

Emily sighs as she slumps back on the couch, rubbing her hands over her face as she takes a break from looking at real estate listings. 

“It can’t be that bad,” Aaron says as he sits next to her, handing over the ice cream she’d requested after dinner. She sits up, making Sergio who had been curled up in her lap, his head on her bump, jump up, meowing as he walks away. 

Emily grumbles as she takes the bowl from him, narrowing her eyes as she takes a bite, moaning at the taste of chocolate, “It is almost impossible to find a house that has everything we want within the budget we have.” 

Aaron sighs at the mention of it, familiar dread that what had so far only been a disagreement between them could easily transform into a full-blown argument, “Em-”

“I have the money, Aaron,” she says, placing her bowl of ice cream down on the table in front of them, her appetite for it gone.

“It’s your money, sweetheart.” 

She scoffs, shaking her head at him. “We’re having a kid. We’re going to get married. What happened to ‘what’s mine is yours?’” 

“I don’t know if that applies to literal millions of dollars,” he replies, remembering how he’d had to sit down when she originally told him how much money she had, a fearful glint in her eyes that it would change the way he viewed her. He sighs and places his hand on her thigh, squeezing it gently, “It’s just…I spoke to Dave and-”

“You listened to Dave about this?” She asks incredulously, cutting over him, “He’s been divorced four times, I don’t think he’s exactly the person to go to for relationship advice.”

“Three times,” Aaron corrects, a wry smile on his face, “And he’s the only other rich person I know.”

“I’m richer than him,” she grumbles under her breath as she crosses her arms over her chest. She looks at him and sees the flicker of amusement in his lips, the way his eyebrow arches, and she clears her throat, “Right, not helping,” she sighs, “Why are you so hesitant to do this my way? Is it some macho bullshit that you need to be the provider? Because if it is-”

“No,” he replies, squeezing her leg again, “I promise you it’s not that.” 

She stares at him for a moment, desperately trying to see if he’s lying to her, but she’s satisfied he isn’t and she places her hand over his on her leg, “Then what is it?” 

He doesn’t want to upset her, to make things harder on her than they had been since what small part of the relationship she had left with her mother had collapsed around her, but she deserved the truth. 

“I’ve been divorced once already, sweetheart,” he says carefully, hating himself as her eyes go slightly wider, “I need to be practical. If you buy us a house-”

“It will be our house,” she says, cutting over him, “Not mine. And if anything happened between us,” the thought of it alone makes her breath catch in her throat, “It would still be our house. We’ll have both of our names on the deeds. I wouldn’t just screw you over like that.” 

“I know,” he assures her, squeezing her hand, shaking his head at himself, “Why is this so important to you?”

She sighs, “That money in my trust fund came from my parents, and their parents, and the jobs they chose that meant we were never really a family,” she blows out a shaky breath, the wound from the conversation with her mother the week before still fresh, “And I always told myself that if I got married and had kids I’d use it to buy my family a home, to make something good out of the very thing that made my childhood miserable,” she places her hand on her bump, “For a long time I convinced myself I’d never have this and that I’d end up donating it all to a charity that would make mother furious, like a cat sanctuary or something, but now I do have you and Jack and Nugget.”

“I can’t believe the Nugget thing is catching on,” Aaron says, and she smiles at him, her eyes soft and full of love. She’d told him about their friend's nickname for their unborn child the moment she got home, and the confused look on his face had made her laugh so much she’d started to jokingly use it herself. 

“What can I say, Pen is persuasive,” she replies. She cups his neck, her thumb brushing over his jawline, “Please let me do this for us. If it makes you feel better you can pay all the bills when we do find somewhere, or we can keep this place and rent it out and that can go into an account for the kids, but…just let me do this.” 

He looks at her, and he isn’t sure he’s ever seen her so raw, so torn open. Her honesty a gateway that let him see the parts of her she still hid even from him sometimes. He picks up one of the more expensive listings she’d been looking at, far outside o the budget they’d tentatively agreed on and looks it over. 

“You like this one?” He asks, and she nods, her lower lip in between her teeth as if she was trying to keep her hope contained. It was a beautiful home, a large colonial-style house with a brick facade, the interior was largely open plan on the first floor, with large archways separating the rooms, letting natural light filter throughout the house. The bedrooms and bathrooms were all a decent size, especially the master bedroom and its adjoining ensuite, and there was plenty of space in the backyard for Jack, the baby, and any other kids they may have to run around. 

He finds himself mostly drawn to the huge, immaculately decorated, kitchen and he can picture himself making pancakes on a Sunday morning in there for his family.

“It’s a beautiful house,” he says, smiling at her and raising his eyebrow, “5 bedrooms?” 

She rolls her eyes at the suggestive tone in his voice, hearing exactly what he hadn’t said, and pats his chest, “Easy there tiger, at least let me have this kid before you start thinking about filling up the spare rooms.” 

Aaron chuckles and pulls her in for a kiss, “Let’s go see it.” 

The way her eyes light up tells him he’s made the right call, that putting aside any deep-rooted concerns and misplaced fear about letting her do this for them, for their family, is exactly what he should have done weeks ago when she first brought this up. 

“Really?” She asks, her smile wide, any ability to hide her emotions well and truly lost in the first trimester of her pregnancy. 

“Really,” he confirms, kissing her again, “I can see our family growing up there.” 

She throws herself at him, wrapping her arms around him tightly as she kisses him, the action lost in her wide smile, “I love you so fucking much.”

He chuckles and wraps his arms around her, pulling her so she was straddling his waist, her knees on either side of his hips, “I love you too.” 

“I’ll call the agent in the morning.” 

He nods and pulls her in for another kiss, smiling at the feel of her bump pressed up against him. “We won’t be able to do this for much longer,” he says, moving to kiss her cheek and then her neck, “We won’t have room.” 

She pulls back and smiles at him, and she runs her fingers through his hair, “In that case,” she says, leaning in to kiss him again, “We’d better make the most of it before we’re regulated to just the bed.” 

___

Cases with children were always harder. 

The desperation to solve the case, to find the bad guy who was doing the worst of things possible to the most innocent, more intense. She’d always felt great empathy for the parents in these situations, but now she could put herself somewhat in their shoes, her love for Jack, for the baby in her belly, enough to make her feel sick at the mere thought of something happening to them. 

She watches Aaron from her desk, her focus on her paperwork limited at best as she keeps looking through the blinds in his office, desperate to go check on him. She knew he found cases like this harder too. 

There were survivors this time, a little girl and a teenage boy reunited with their parents, the recovery from all that they had endured only just beginning, and that was something they could cling on to. Evidence that they all needed sometimes to remind themselves of why they did this. That didn’t make it any easier, and she knew they’d all remember the wails of one of the victim's fathers when he realised his son had been alive only one day ago. 

She blows out a breath and looks back at her paperwork, determined to get a little more done before they headed home, when she is distracted once again, but this time it wasn’t out of concern for her fiancé. 

It feels like tiny bubbles. Bursting against the inside of her belly, as if tiny butterflies were floating around, their wings delicate. She places her hand on her stomach and gasps, choking on a laugh. 

“Are you ok, Em?” Derek asks and she turns to look at him, nodding as she laughs again. 

“Yeah. I…I think I just felt the baby move for the first time,” she says, her hand still on the bump as she continues to feel the movement on the inside, “It feels weird.”

Derek smiles at her, his eyes soft as he nods towards Aaron’s office, “Go tell Hotch, we all need something good after today.” 

She nods, not needing any other encouragement, and she stands, almost bounding up the stairs as she approaches his office. She knocks on his open door and waits for him to look up. He looks exhausted, the lines in his face deeper than usual, as if they’d been carved in. 

“Do you have a minute?” She asks, and he smiles at her, already standing up from his desk.

“For you, always.”

It makes her smile, and she knows it’s one of the things he’s learnt from his past mistakes with Haley. He always made time for her, and in turn, she knew that was because she understood the job, the work that could sometimes consume them both. It was yet another way that, if she believed in fate, would make her think they were made for each other. 

She takes a seat on the couch in his office and waits for him to sit next to her, his arm automatically around her shoulder. She knew they couldn’t be seen from the main bullpen here, only if someone was on the walkway, but she was sure no one would begrudge them this after the last few days. 

“I just felt the baby move,” she says, her throat closing up as she says it outloud, her hormones getting the better of her as she fights back tears. 

“What?” He asks, his voice full of wonder as he presses his hand into her bump, and it makes her laugh.

“It will be a while before you can feel anything from the outside honey,” she says, resting her head against his shoulder. She feels the movement again, and she smiles, placing her hand over his, “I wish you could feel it though it's amazing. And really fucking weird.” 

Aaron laughs and kisses her temple, keeping his lips against her skin, “Nugget is the size of a pomegranate this week.”

She snickers at his use of the baby’s newfound nickname and pulls back to look at him, “I know, I’m reading the same book as you,” she says softly, “Spencer told me today that the baby weights as much as a mozzarella ball,” she crinkles her brow, her stomach rumbling at the thought of food, “Which, strangely, really made me want Italian food.” 

Aaron kisses her, eternally grateful for her, for the life they were building, “Sweetheart, I’d go to Venice to get you pizza right now if you asked me.”

She chokes on a laugh, but it comes out as more of a sob, her happiness overwhelming in a way she didn’t know was possible. “That’s sweet, but I’m totally content with that place down the street from our apartment.” 

“Whatever you want, Em,” he says, kissing her again, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “Whatever you want.” 

-x-

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[aamalaaa]

tiny dancer (an ode to life)

pairing: jungkook x reader, hoseok x yoongi

genre: bandmates au, fluff and cheese, with an extra layer of chedar, this story takes place in 1971

warnings: none

a/n: I was feeling soft today, ayyy<3

word count: 1.1k

-

-

“How much time left?” You sigh, throwing your head back against the headrest.

You’ve been on the road for eight hours now, drifting in and out of consciousness here and there, writing ideas in your notepad, sighing again and again at how slowly time passes.

It’s not that you’re ungrateful, on the contrary, you’re so happy to be able to drive around the country doing what you love the most, accompanied by your chosen family.

It’s just that today has been so hot, and the air conditioning has stopped working in the rundown van you’re using to tour around the country, Jungkook’s van. And god, your ass is so sore from sitting down for such an extended period of time. You need to get out of this fucking van now.

Jungkook’s light airy laugh reaches your ears as soon as your whining stops and you send him a murderous glare. He quickly glances at you before focusing back on the road ahead, sneaking one hand on your thigh and giving it a squeeze while the other stays on the steering wheel.

“What’s so funny? My ass is sweating and as your loving girlfriend, I’m appalled by your lack of empathy.”

“Oh I’m sorry baby, I’m such a terrible boyfriend,” He coos, running his hand up and down on your soft flesh. You shiver, despite the insufferably warm temperature.

You cross your arms and pout as hard as you can, earning a loud chuckle from the man you love. You’re not really mad, it’s not his fault. You’re just a big baby and he knows it very well, hence his unserious reaction.

“My ass is sweating too,” Hoseok exasperatedly sighs, you nod solemnly in understanding.

Yoongi huffs in annoyance. “Everyone’s ass is sweating, stop complaining.”

You shoot him an unimpressed look. “I’d really like for us to stop talking about our sweaty asses please,”

He shrugs, completely unbothered. “You started it.”

“I don’t mind talking about your ass,” Jungkook grins.

You flush a bright shade of pink and slap his arm,

“Kookie!”

“Fucking gross, the both of you. I can’t believe I’m in a band with you guys,” Hoseok whines in fake annoyance. You know because he’s always been so supportive of your couple, being the one to convince your dumb asses to finally start dating a few months ago.

“Oh that’s rich coming from you, you guys can barely keep your hands off each other.” You smirk as you notice his ears reddening. Yoongi only rolls his eyes, shooting his lover an incredibly enamored smile.

“We can take a short break, though we only have like an hour or two left before we reach the hotel,” Jungkook shoots you a dazzling smile, you can only swoon at the sight.

Yoongi hums. “Probably best to do so if we want to stop hearing them both complaining.”

You narrow your eyes at him. “You couldn’t stop complaining last week when we were heading to Oklahoma.”

“True,” Jungkook adds, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Just stop at the next exit, yeah,” Yoongi groans, prompting a loud laugh out of both Hoseok and Jungkook. You giggle quietly at his flushed features.

God you love these people so much.

You soon stop at a gas station and immediately head out the door, chatting with your friends and stretching widely as Jungkook takes advantage of the break to fill up the tank.

You buy sodas and fifteen minutes later, you get back in the car, a little less annoyed than you were before.

“Thanks baby,” You lovingly say as Jungkook fastens his seatbelt.

The young man smiles bashfully,

“We needed to fill up on gas anyway,” He mumbles under his breath.

“Thanks anyway,” You reach out for his right hand and lean in to leave a soft kiss on his incredibly soft lips, smiling as you do so. He presses back, grinning in the process. You’re so in love with this absolutely endearing man.

You lean back against the seat, fastening your own seatbelt.

“Are we all good to go?” Jungkook cheerfully asks, his mood absolutely infectious. You don’t know how he manages to be so damn positive and radiant no matter the situation, you just know you couldn’t do this without him.

Everyone nods and your boyfriend drives away, turning the radio on as you embark once again on the highway. Only an hour or two, you can do this.

You all drive for a while, Hoseok and Yoongi playfully argue in the backseat as you try to the best of your abilities to decipher the road map in your hand, giving vague directions to a confused Jungkook.

The scorching hot afternoon slowly draws on, the sun soon starting to set as it paints the horizon all shades of orange, ochre and pink. It’s a beautiful spectacle and suddenly you feel very grateful for this chance you’ve been given to spend so much time with the people you love the most in the world.

You stare out the road and suddenly feel a warm large hand pick up your dainty one, engulfing it in a safe hold.

You look up to your lover, suddenly overcome by emotions as he lifts up your hand, leaving short sweet pecks on each of your knuckles.

You perk up as you hear the first few notes of one of your favorite songs playing on the shabby car radio, the sound a bit distorted but you couldn’t care less.

You squeal in delight as you turn the volume up, swaying to the melody in delight. Jungkook chuckles adoringly at your reaction, hand still holding your own.

“Oh I fucking love that song, turn it up,” Hoseok excitingly exclaims, you smile widely and up the volume again.

“Oh it’s Elton John’s new song right?” Yoongi perks in interest.

You turn towards him. “Yep!”

When the pre chorus embarks, you can’t help yourself and start singing along, the moment too beautiful for you to care about anything but here and now.

Jungkook squeezes your hand as he joins you with his harmonious voice, and soon, the four of you are loudly singing alone, smiling from ear to ear as you do so.

‘Hold me closer, tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today’

You look at your loved ones, happily singing together as love quietly fills the air, and almost shed a tear.

Because this day is beautiful, the bond you share is as sturdy as steel, and as much as you like to complain, you wouldn’t like to be anywhere else but here, wrapped in a loving untouchable embrace.

You think these are the moments that make life worth living, moments that could easily pass you by if you didn’t bask in them.

You promise yourself to truly cherish them more.

-

-

taglist: @bwormie @fragmentof-indifference

[ovaryacted]

Awwwe nic, I just saw your rant. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. People truly underestimate how time consuming a nine to five job is. We want you to know that you shouldn't feel any pressure from our side, we'll read whatever you write and whenever you write, even when we have to wait for it. Don't overwork yourself because that'll help no one. Now I do understand all the frustration and dread you're feeling if you want to write but just can't. Trust me, I've been there. I am there. With college and me being a procrastinating little piece of shit, I haven't written anything in ages, even though writing is my truest passion and I wish I could be an author some day. The dread felt when you're stopped from doing things you want to do over an extended period of time is so valid. Now, this little ask of mine can't magically make you a few more hours to spare nor can it make your job any easier, but I hope you at least feel heard. Take your time, write when you have time for it. Even five minutes, just put something in that word document - that's better than nothing. You'll continue later. It'll help with the feeling of depression to at least type something, even if it's just one paragraph. And when it comes to feeling like it's a waste of time, I don't think there's a writer in the world ho hasn't felt that at some point. We see you, and we know how much hard work you put in to give us those yummy fics. Know that your following is standing right behind you and we'll eat up whatever you put out there. As someone who's been writing since I learned how to hold a pencil, I can tell you that the feeling sadly never truly goes away. But it comes less often and becomes easier to deal with. And, If you really need something to keep you going, know that hundreds, if not thousands of people would be really sad to see you go if you decided to give up on the blog. I don't know how much this helped, or even if it helped at all, but the point of the story is that we're here for you, no matter what. Love you pookie, take care!❤️❤️❤️

-🌑

This ask made me emotional in the morning, and I’ve been reading it over and over the past few days. I’ll admit, I’ve been in a rough patch for like a month, I genuinely forget how my mental health can get around January-February, which are relatively rough months for me in general because that’s when my depression spikes the most. I guess it’s a combination of the pre-birthday blues and the existential dread of getting older lmao, but idk it’s always a stressful time for me and it’s been that way since I was 16. My home life is also not the best right now, which just stresses me out more cause now I’m stressed at work and at home thanks to my inconsiderate family. (Eldest daughter things feel me?)

Honestly, I’m really thankful I have a 9-5 job and a good one at that, it gives me financial stability I’ve never had before. It’s also a job I prayed for, in the field I studied and with reputable nice people. I got very lucky, especially with the current economy in the US dealing with hyperinflation and how hard it is to get a job right now I’m very grateful. But it is a busy job, I mean I work with people who are essentially government agents and have ties to the FBI so I have pressure to do well at work. I did underestimate the amount of time I’ll have for myself working a full time job, especially after coming from a shitty part time job I had more time to do things throughout the week. I feel like I took all that free time for granted, and at least when I was in college I had several days off, now I only have like 5-6 hrs after work plus the weekend to myself and the cycle gets exhausting at some point. Usually when I come home, I have the mentality and the creativity to want to write, but lack the energy. Literally the moment I rest on my bed, I just put on Netflix and doze off, or won’t have enough brain power to make cohesive ideas so I end up hating what I write or starting over (which has happened so far). So I have the weekend to relax and write, but now I have to start studying for a big legal exam later on in the year which is my ticket to law school for 2025. I just have a lot going on right now and to prep for (adulthood I guess).

Believe me, I’m trying, and I want to create, I’ve been writing since I was 12 so this is a hobby and a skill I want to build up. I’ve been taking some time out every day to just write stuff out, and so far it’s worked. And with asks, I use the morning and my lunch break to prepare responses and edit them at home to post when I have time. I just want to upload multiple things at a time, and then I get indecisive about what to start, and end up posting nothing lmao. Plus with all the bs going on in the tags and the fandom in general, it’s annoying the hell out of me cause it’s just constant drama. But I appreciate your kind words honey, I always do, they’re encouraging and make me feel better. Adore you, I hope you’re having a good day though and taking care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹

[bacchicly]

So I used my bullet journal this morning (after setting it up on my wanderings this weekend) and it felt good. Update after the cut. This is just a personal annoying thing. Includes reference to Gretchen Rubin's "Better than Before"

I don't have the "must put this notebook in the freezer to stop obsessing over it" I had when I first tried bullet journaling - nor am I being particularly ambitious in format but I am being more "regulated" than my last few attempts to "just make sure I have a notebook with me" which failed.

I also am using a new period tracker on my phone which is not perfect but seems simple enough and a bit more flexible and helpful than Fitbit period tracking. Again I am trying to be clear but minimal with the tool.

We'll see how this round goes. I am cautiously optimistic.

I also use audiobooks as a type of guided meditation and self reflection and have been re-listening to Gretchen Rubin's Better than Before. I don't love everything about her the book; and in particularly. find it triggering from a body positivity standpoint.

And, even though I am a champion of the idea that people and projects can't be perfect or do everything all at once, I find it problematic that she geberally mute on her privilege. I also find it challenging that she does not do more than wink at the potential impacts of culture, disability, neurodivergence, and poverty on an individual's effort to change behavior through habits.

However, the attention she pays to minutia and her attempts to be non-judgemental are helpful guides to working through some of my current challenges.

I am also about to take on more of a design project where I can impact organizational behaviors and habits at work and her clarity around how different strategies can work for different people is helpful.

Things have been hard. Really hard. In the last two weeks I have had more intrusive thoughts than I have in a long time - but I am trying to focus on the fact that I did what I could to care for myself and did better than I might have in the past. I have been fighting a cold (not COVID), as has my family, work has been a particular flavour of difficult, and my and my husband's challenges with budgeting and saving money have been in high relief as we try to get back to somewhere a bit less scary since our encounter with cheerleading, illness in our extended family, caring for a senior cat, and our impulses to tip extra big and rely on a lot of take out and dining in restaurants as a way to deal with COVID are coming home to roost.

Anyways...things are going a bit better. Yay!

Tomorrow will be tomorrow.

[propaneandrevelations]

I had a taste of homelessness my senior year of high school, but thanks to the grace of my best friend and his wonderful family I was accepted into the household as one of their own, and while I did sleep on the couch it really did feel like home

For backstory, my folks split when I was 9 and the person my mom got with afterwards (I’m talking we met this guy like a week or two after the split) was and still is a serious douchebag. He was medically kicked out of the marine corps a few weeks into boot camp (catastrophic ankle injury) and is still mad about it.

How does he take that out on us? I’m so glad you asked! He treated us like recruits that he didn’t have to actually keep in good health. He started punishing us with “IT sessions,” basically high-intensity calisthenics for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. And oh boy he enjoyed it, or at least did a damn good job making us think so. I’ll link a video underneath, my brother who is an actual Marine said that the boot camp IT sessions were actually nowhere near as bad as the ones we went through, and he only got IT’ed twice throughout his entire stay at MCRD San Diego. It was about every month or two that we’d get IT’ed, so yeah my siblings and i were being treated worse than Marine Corps recruits as children. At a certain point I was forced into doing hundreds of push-ups a week for minor infractions (i.e. being a fucking kid). At a certain point he stopped having the courtesy of giving a set number and just said “start pushing.”

Eventually that stopped after much protest from my siblings and I. He decided that an appropriate replacement was what he called grounding, but is more akin to solitary confinement. No human contact whatsoever, no books, devices, nothing. Sit in your room for weeks at a time without being allowed to speak to anyone at all, with nothing to occupy the time than stare at the wall.

My mom was never very present before the split and became even less so afterwards. She called her parenting style laissez-faire, while I call it neglect. She spent all day, every day in her room and almost never came out. We did all the cooking, all the cleaning, taking care of animals, etc. I was raised by my two older brothers and books.

When I was 17, I had enough. I lost my shit at him when he was screaming at my sisters for something stupid. I yelled that I had been waiting for him to leave or die since I met him, and to my surprise, leave he did! One problem: my mother did not take too kindly to that. She spent days laying into me about how horrible I was, about how I never even gave him a chance, all that happy crappy.

I got fed up, packed a bag and left. No idea where I would go or what would happen to me, but anything was better than living there. She took the SIM card out of my phone and sent me on my merry fucking way. I went to the Dairy Queen in the next town over where my best friend worked, and sat there for the rest of his shift until the place closed, went home with him, and lived there on and off for the rest of my senior year.

Eventually I extended the olive branch and moved back in with my mom, offered my forgiveness to the both of them and mended ties. It hurt too much to live with all of that pain and resentment which I’m still fighting, but bottom line I love my mom and she deserves to be forgiven as much as any other person who did terrible things.

Our relationship has improved drastically since then, and even though my stepdad is still around, his behavior has gotten better. I’m not happy that he’s still in our lives but I’ll take my wins where I can get them. Love wins every time, and the best punishment I can deliver is to live well despite how hard he tried to tear me down.

Me: I guess I was technically homeless for awhile as a kid, but we weren't, like, really homeless? After we got evicted from our rental house, we had to stay in a small industrial warehouse that was being rented for storage by some family friends. Like, it sucked, and I wasn't allowed to go outside, and it was a huge secret I had to keep from everyone at school because my parents were terrified I'd be taken away by CPS, and if the cops or property owner had found us we definitely would have been in trouble, but, like. We had a roof over our heads. Does that count as homeless? I dunno.

My friends who have genuinely never been homeless, ever: ....that is not normal, holy shit!?!?!?!?!

Me: ...okay so I guess I was homeless, then.

Anyway, this is a reminder that homelessness encompasses more than just "lives in a box under an overpass." Like, yes, that is definitely a real experience with homelessness, but it isn't the only one. Homelessness can look like couch surfing, living in your car, living illegally in a rented storage unit, living in a tent at a campground, living in a motel room, or any number of other things.

(Also, impostor syndrome around homelessness is just about the weirdest feeling in the world, tbh. The "was I suffering enough to say I was suffering?" thoughts are eternal.)

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 1 - A Strange New World

"Konnichiwa! Watashi wa Hasashi Kitsune desu, yoroshiku onegaishimasu!" that's how it all began, really. Just a small, yet impossible to understand introduction from the red haired transfer girl. "...Did you just curse me?" the brunette girl, dressed in green robes, asked, her eyebrow arched, very confused. "No, no, I'm sure she sneezed or somethin'. Uh... Gesundheit." the older, brunet boy with crooked front teeth, who was clearly in his final years spoke out with a smirk.

"No, you idiots, didn't you pay attention?" a snobbish pale boy with platinated blond hair, crystal-like blue eyes, and a noble allure, scoffed at the imbeciles surrounding him. He was definitely the leader of the group, the girl noted. "She said... Kitsune something something. I'm sure she was introducing herself to us. You do know English, don't you?" the boy extended his hand for her to shake. "O-Oh, yes, I am sorry! Sometimes I do not realise I speak in my own language. I have not been here for long, you see... In fact, I got here barely a week ago." she cursed herself mentally, whilst using her sweetest soft voice. "My name is Hasashi Kitsune. It is great meeting all of you, and I hope we will get along well! Please take care of me!" with a bright smile, albeit, a bit shy, she bowed slightly to all of them, in sign of peace. "Huh, culture shock. Here, people don't bow to others. You'll learn soon." the boy who introduced himself as Draco Malfoy, explained to her, as he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and straightened her up. "Ah... Right, here you call each other by your... Given name, right? Not the family one." she let out an embarrassed chuckle. "So... It would not be improper to call you Draco, yes? And you can call me Kitsune!" on her pale face, complimenting her beautiful pink outfit, a blush painted her cheeks gracefully, as if she herself was a most innocent and beautiful peony. "You learn fast. Are you from a pureblood family, then? I don't think anything less than a half-blood would be sent to Slytherin." the boy with platinum hair muttered, fixing the girl carefully with his eyes. "I am not sure how pureblood works around here... But, if it makes for anything, I am sort of a Princess. You see, back in the 16th century, there lived a great daimyo - Uh, a Warlord, if you will - He was a samurai... A warrior, the lord of the North of Japan. He was so strong and ruthless, he was called the One-Eyed Dragon of Oshu. Date Masamune was his name. His wife gave birth to a daughter, and she was their most beloved child. And down her line, only girls were born, each of them having this hair ornament as a gift from the mother... And this katana from Masamune himself. There are many children from Date Masamune's bloodline, but I belong to the main branch, so... I am a bit more privileged." 

the red haired girl laughed merrily as the others around her looked with wide, shocked eyes, albeit, a bit confused, but still fixed on the whole idea of having such a bright princess in front of them. In fact, she looked like the most beautiful and pure flower of Spring. A Princess amongst their ranks - That single notion was solely what they cared about. Her blood status. "Ehh, you're a Princess? That's so cool! What's it like being a Princess? Do you have lots of clothes? And live in a castle? Do you have tons of servants too?" the brunette girl called Pansy kept rambling on and on. "Parkinson, calm down, she's a foreigner. She may need some time to process what you're saying. You speak too fast." Marcus put his hand on top of her head to get her to shut up already. "Don't mind her, Princess. Anyway, if anyone gives you a tough time, you come to me, alright? I'll deal with them. After all, Slytherins are one big family, right~?" Draco's low, yet confident chuckle seemed to seep into the group's ears easily, as they all smiled at her very welcoming. "Is that so!" Kitsune exclaimed with glee. "That is so lovely! My bloodline treasures tradition, duty and family above all - You all are so kind and welcoming, I already feel right at home! Thank you so much for this, I hope I will not be bothering you." were all princesses as polite and sweet as she was? Draco wondered, as he analysed her with a half smirk on his face, as he realised he had one more person in his gang, not even bothering to listen to Dumbledore's incredibly boring speech for the 2nd time.

While Parkinson and Bullstrode kept fangirling over the newcomer and pestering her with a million questions per second, the young Malfoy heir laid back a little, observing the girl. Her hair was long past heir waist, and tied neatly at the end with a pink ribbon; In the light of the Great Hall, her hair was shining red, like an Azalea flower kissed by fire, and far more beautiful than a nymph. Her skin was flawless, like that of an antique porcelain doll, and her clothes, although odd for this country, suited her incredibly well - Such a delicate shade of pink, like the petals of a pink rose, wrapped around her and highlighting her noble allure. That, and the dangling flowery ornament placed so tactfully in her hair, the only jewellery she wore - And she needn't any more. Draco has seen plenty Purebloods whilst growing up - His family was, after all, just as their Common Room password, Toujours pur - Yet he could say, with his hand over his heart, never once had he seen a living being radiating so perfectly, like an innocent fairy that could do no wrong. Her fingers were long and slender, her nails were long with a slight claw-like sharpness, her hands were delicate and the way she was using the eating utensils were graceful - Never once had he thought he could call eating 'elegant'. Her posture, her smile, the way there was not a single strand of hair out of place, the careful way she was carrying herself and even the inflections in her voice... All of them came together to create this Gift of God, a perfect specimen of pure beauty. 

Kitsune was, indeed, deserving of the title of Princess.

However, above all, there was one thing that stood out to Draco more than anything - It was her eyes - A perfect shade of Aquamarine, a little blue and a little green, so unique and sparkling like the most precious gem; They were twinkling with so many emotions... And when they looked his way, and locked with his own... Draco felt warmth rising in his cheeks and his heart beating in his chest. Charming. Enchanting. Heart-stealing. Those eyes of hers... They were absolutely mesmerising, capturing him like a siren's melody kissing away the life of a most lovestruck sailor lost at sea.And he was afraid he would soon become her next victim.

The day had been so stressful for the young girl - The nerves were killing her - The whole train ride she was alone... She was standing out like a sore thumb. The only colourful thing in a dark, bleak train. The United Kingdom had its share of green spots, alright... But nothing could prepare her for the monochrome feeling of melancholy and nostalgia she would feel. So lonely... Everything looked so cold and lonely...

She missed home, clearly. She missed the always-blooming Cherry Blossoms and Plum Blossoms from Mahoutokoro, she missed her little flower garden from grandma's home, and she missed the festivals where she'd dress up as a Kitsune in one of her rich, Princess kimonos and perform either sword dances, fan dances or play the flute. She missed the colours from back home... And the shrines. This didn't feel right... She was far away from home... From Masamune's land...

Kitsune almost felt as if nobody wanted to join her because she was so different and she knew very well how people were so afraid of things that are even the slightest thing different from the norm.

As soon as she stepped out of the train, the 12 year old girl followed directions, going on the boat with the other 1st years, as she, too, had to be sorted... And eventually given a set of robes. She heard tales of the Giant Squid from the Black Lake, but she couldn't care less. All she could do was look at the mirror-like sheen of the water, as the silver moonlight reflected into the dark water, creating brilliant zircons - And she let her fingers delicately glide the surface of the water, distorting the reality shown... Just as her own reality has been distorted.

There was a stern attitude to this tall, slender woman who, most likely, was a teacher as well, and she guided them to this huge Great Hall... But she could hear the whispers, the gasps, the talks... All of them wondering why was she there... Who was she, anyway? Then... The first years were so mesmerised by the beauty of this Great Hall... But what was so spectacular about it, anyway?

Mahoutokoro was much more beautiful. When she was sorted into her House - the Sakura House, ironically - flower petals were falling down from the ceiling, and it was bright and sunny inside. The Hall had turned into a gorgeous and flowery garden after her sorting - Only to change to another scenery with the next student. Here, it's dark, it's night... And so cold and gloomy... It felt like a dungeon jail. She wanted to go out, to feel the cold breeze on her skin, and she wanted to hug a tree, to plant a flower, to dance to the sound of the forest and its critters. 

Alas... She was stuck here.

Not too fast, not too late either, she heard her name being called - Hasashi Kitsune - Oh, how she wanted to change her name... Hasashi... Yes, beautiful name, very strong, and yet... Date Kitsune.... Masamune's own kin... She was proud of who she was - Sometimes, she'd even think herself vain. She didn't care that she was a Princess, she cared about her heritage, about the Samurai bloodline, and the honour she had to bring her family - The honour she wanted to bring Masamune. 

She wanted to become great like him, the Fire Fox of Oshu, maybe, or something astounding like that, but until then...

"Hasashi Kitsune, she will join the 2nd years. She is a transfer student from Mahoutokoro, so please, treat her well and make sure she gets used to our culture." the woman spoke as Kitsune had to walk up on the pedestal, and the only thing she could think about as she watched the teachers, and then, she looked over at the boring black dots sorted into four tables, she realised how dull and weird the British-Wizard fashion was. What a dreadful mess.

As she stepped on the 3-legged stool, she let the pointy hat be put on her head, and she heard it talk... It had to be telepathic, clearly, since she heard it naught before. 

"Ahh, a transfer student, hadn't had one of you in a while. In fact, you're the first one from Mahoutokoro. I can see you harbour great sadness and nostalgy in your heart... And at such a young age. Yes, I can see, you are proud of your heritage, and you would do anything to achieve your goal. You are strong, and fearless, yet you choose to mask your fierceness under this delicate facade of politeness. I can see that's how you were taught, and yet, this teaching seems to be suiting you. Very intelligent as well, a lot of ambition, and a strict follower of tradition and duty... Clearly, there's no other house perfect for you than....... SLYTHERIN!" ah, yes, it just had to shout out the house's name in her ear. 

"Arigatou." she thanked the hat as it got taken off, then turned to bow at it quickly, and went to the only table that clapped and cheered...

Well, she liked green, at least... It brought out her eyes really nicely.

She carefully stepped in front of the table, meekly looking around, only to see a blond boy pushing one of the bigger boys away from him and motioning for her to take a seat next to him. Who'd have thought someone would actually go out of their way to chat with her? To help her fit in? Clearly, she didn't expect that... So, then, she had to pull that Princess facade the hat spoke about, and make herself be liked.

Perhaps a group of friends... Or at least acquaintances, were exactly what she needed to take her mind away from the loneliness that tainted her heart. And so... A lovely chat began...

That evening, they chose to rest, since the next day school was going to start full force, and they needed all the strength they could gather, and the chatting and getting to know each other could go through the year with no problem. Breakfast went by excruciatingly fast, and Kitsune's nerves were killing her, she was so nervous, having to meet all teachers one by one now, and she had to make a great impression. She wanted the teachers to be impressed with her, she knew her robes were turning golden very soon, she always had top marks in all her subjects...

But, this day didn't start out very well... They didn't have Herbology as an actual subject back in Mahoutokoro, instead, they would take care of what others would call them "muggle" plants. Children were encouraged to plant and take care of their own flowers in the garden, it was a symbol of diligence and patience, something everyone should have - So, clearly, she wasn't all that familiar with taking care of most magical plants, and there she was, afraid of getting some kind of oral pop quiz and embarrassing herself.

"Come on, don't worry so much, it's gonna be alright! Sprout is the Head of the Hufflepuff house, she's one of the nicest teachers around, trust me. Her and Flitwick, Charms' teacher. You'll be fine." Pansy patted her shoulder, encouraging the girl, who merely nodded and sighed, softly hitting her chest with her fist.

"If I cannot do even something and mediocre as fighting my own fears, than I do not deserve to be Masamune's kin. Let us go. I will not let some stupid plants get to me." Kitsune scoffed, following her new brunette friend, and thus, followed her actions by putting on a very ugly, neutral coloured cape. Not a bad decision, considering she wouldn't want to soil her beautiful pink robes... For as long as she'll wear them, at least.

She held her hands in tight fists, her jaw clenched as she waited for the teacher to arrive in the humid and warm, incredibly cramped greenhouse, where everyone was standing in front of a pot... The girl couldn't help but feel judgemental, thinking back at how pristine clean and luxuriant everything felt back at home.

Then, just as she side-eyed everything with a sort of arrogant allure, a short and stout woman, kinda looking like a smiling pumpkin, walked in, welcoming everyone in a hurried way, telling them they would be repotting mandrakes.

Blinking, she felt bad for judging this place so harshly, this woman seemed to have a nice aura around her. After all, plants can feel people's auras, and they wouldn't grow and bloom so beautifully around people who emanate negative vibes - She was sure of that, and she learnt that since she was young. She really loved flowers.

"Sensei, may I answer, please?" with a soft, timid smile, Kitsune leaned forward a bit, raising her hand mid-way to announce her presence, not being familiar with how things were around this place.

"Ah, you're the new girl, how lovely! Miss Hasashi, yes? Did you have Herbology back in your school?"  oh, she's actually interested in her culture and education?! And she remembered her name so quickly! My, she's flattered! "O-Oh, yes, that is my name, thank you for remembering it! I love all kinds of plants and flowers, however, we didn't have this kind of Herbology as a class back home. Instead, since we start school at 7 years old, and we finish at 18, we are encouraged to plants any kind of plant we want, be it a tree, a flower, a bonsai... Anything - In the School's flower garden - And we are encouraged to properly attend to its every need. It does not only test our patience, hard-work and diligence, but it teaches you that the gentler and kinder you are to any living being, the more beautiful it will grow!" 

Draco looked at the girl as she spoke, and realised the way she pronounced some words - Some letters, in fact - Sounded melodic, albeit in a strange, foreign way. Her difficulty in properly pronouncing the 'R' letter was amusing, yet it seemed to suit her very well. He didn't care much about what she had to say, however, the way the Greenhouse suddenly started glowing thanks to her seemed to attract his attention.

"How fascinating! That is completely true for all plants, be it muggle or magical ones, and just as you said, for all living beings! I would have loved to have a sweet student such as you in my own House, alas, Professor Snape will have that privilege. Anyhow, go ahead and answer the question, please." the professor nodded with a kind smile seeing the petite girl giving such a kitten-like smile, despite the obvious shyness she presented, and yet, the way she spoke wasn't meek - It wasn't stuttery, nor awkward, like say - Longbottom or Weasley.

Despite being soft-spoken, she was sure of every word she said - A certain kind of confidence that wasn't arrogant, nor Know-It-All - It was the kind of leadership confidence that would inspire others and that, Sprout knew, was very hard to find nowadays, and she wondered whether that was a culture difference, or if it was simply how she was.

"Mandrake, also known as Mandragora, in the magical world, is used to create a potion that can return those who have been petrified, back to their original state. However, in the... Muggle world, as you call it, the root can be used to treat several illnesses, such as stomach ulcer, colic, convulsions, rheumatism, it can trigger vomiting, it can be used as a sedative of sorts, and reduce pain, whilst the leaves can be used to create an extract and heal skin ulcers. However, it can also do bad things, since, if you are not careful, its cry can be fatal to those who hear it." Kitsune spoke out, and one girl from her line, with pretty, bushy chestnut hair and doe-like, very kind eyes, looked at her with sparks and admiration -

She only learnt textbook stuff, all the magical things from the books she had for school, and yet, this transfer student could be an intellectual rival to her! Was she a half-blood? Could that be why she's so well-versed in both worlds? Oh, this little Gryffindor was so eager to get to know her better! She didn't seem snobbish, nor mean, like the rest of the Green-Robed horde she had to encounter in the past year.

"Excellent, Miss Hasashi, absolutely excellent! 15 points to Slytherin! Are you perhaps interested in becoming a Healer, my dear?" the teacher asked, very impressed at the vast knowledge, yet, she was well aware that this plant they were studying today has been documented since ancient times and everyone, muggle or not, would know at least a little bit about it.

"Oh, yes, actually, I am! I am interested in many things, however, Healing I find a very important skill to be knowledgeable in, and I hope I will succeed and be able to cure and take away the pain of as many living beings as possible!" with a crystalline giggle, she clasped together her hands to her chest, almost bouncing in her spot from excitement getting to talk - Even if just a little bit - About the things she's so interested in. In fact...

Kitsune had to admit, no matter how much of a sin it may be, she loved to be the center of attention - Only if it was positive, obviously.

"I am sure the Medical field is going to benefit greatly from having someone like you to aid them! Well then, moving on. As our Mandrakes are still only seedlings, their cries won't kill you... Yet. But they could knock you out for hours, which is why I have given you earmuffs, for auditory protection. So, could you please put them on, right away? Quickly. Flaps tight down, and watch me closely." as Kitsune put on her very ugly earmuffs, she could feel the Fashion Police screeching in agony, yet at the same time, she was focusing her hearing so she could hear the instructions and correlate them to the teacher's actions...

Not that it was a big deal. However, she didn't very much like the idea of having to do anything that required strength, in particular, the upper body, as the Fox-like girl preferred to use agility and speed, rather than brute strength which she very much lacked... As seen when she sometimes struggles to open water bottle caps... In front of others.

Her bright, gem-like eyes attentively watched the mandrake being repotted, only for one of the students, one that very much resembled a Nezumi... A small, meek mouse... To faint at the almost-grotesque look of the mandrake root, that looked like a deformed baby.

As the saying goes, Monkey Says - Monkey Does, and thus, the students were then urged to repeat as they saw, and Kitsune chose to go quickly and get rid of this job, but as she was done, she heard a grunt from her left - Her new friend, Draco, after laughing at the ugly plant, stuck his finger in its mouth, only for it to bit him.

"Oh, dear, that is no good!" with a soft gasp, the girl firmly grasped the mandrake's mouth, and dug into it from the sides with her thumbs, prying it open - Thankfully, it opened its mouth quickly, letting the boy rescue his finger - And the girl carefully potted the plant, letting out an exhale, before taking off her own gloves, and his, carefully cradling his injured hand. "Does it hurt, Draco? Are you alright?" she asked worriedly, seeing the red finger, she tapped it with the tips of her fingers and muttered a quick Episkey, healing the inflammation. "Any better?"

"Huh... You'll be a good Healer in the future. Yeah, I'm good, thanks. It still hurts a bit, but it's nothing big." he muttered, blinking as he examined his perfectly cured finger.

"Well... There you go." as the girl held his hand in both of hers, soft like clouds, he realised, so graceful and delicate as only a Princess would, she raised his hand to her mouth, and he watched with wide eyes and mouth agape as he saw her kissing his knuckles. "Obaa-sama... Uhm... Granny, I mean... She taught me when I was a child that you can take away the pain by kissing the place where you got hurt... It sort of acts as a charm, you could say. Not the type taught in magic school, I mean. Such a cute, little thing done from one person to another. So, I am doing it to you. I hope the pain will go away soon, Draco." the girl smiled, and for him, it seemed like the moment lasted for a hundred lifetimes.

He felt stuck in that exact second, and he wished for a spell to be invented to stop time, so he could stay like this with her. All this time, in this short time on Earth, he received love from his mother, and he held her so dear to his heart. And now, he had the luck to have this stranger behave so nicely to him. Not an obsessive and annoying kind of nice, like Parkinson, when she'd always bug him, but one where it gave him the space to not feel smothered, but when needed, it would come by and caress your heart, like a warm, Spring breeze. "Your people are very different from ours. But I guess it worked. I feel much better. Come now, let's get out of here before I lose my hearing to some stupid dirt baby thing. We have Potions now, with our Head of the House, Professor Snape. You're gonna love him. He takes kindly to those who are diligent and obviously interested in the subject, like you. Just... Don't be intimidated by him. Stay around me, and you'll be good." Ha... He's so cocky, Kitsune thought... Does she really seem like someone who needs constant protection?

How amusing. I bet when he'll have the sharp blade of my katana at his throat, slowly digging into his skin, feeling small droplets of blood falling down, he won't feel the same, the girl thought to herself, covering her mouth with her long haori sleeve, stifling her giggle. "Thank you for taking care of me, Draco. You are so sweet and attentive with me." even the most skilled of puppeteers can have strings, dear Draco, and trust me, you're nowhere near as close to being one of the best.

" 'Course I am." he nodded, flashing her a charming smirk, as they rushed to the dungeons - A place so humid, cold and dark, a place where their own House Common Room was... Just under the Black Lake. It almost felt as if they were isolated from the rest of the world.

The wooden heels of her zori made clicks into the cobbled stone, resounding throughout the long corridors, and the boy opened the door, allowing her to go through first, and went to one of the desks closer to the front, wanting to show they were paying attention, but not enough that they would be constantly in his attention - After all, they liked whispering to each other in class, why take that privilege away?

So, they opened their textbooks, and as they were chatting lightly, the door was abruptly slammed open, and in, came a tall, brunet man, with a very stern, almost scary look on his face, dressed in all black. As he rushed in, the Japanese girl stood up and bowed, saluting the teacher, only for everyone to look at her weirdly, including this Snape person.

"...Cultural difference?" she whispered to her deskmate quietly, her face burning with embarrassment as she bit her lip harshly.

"Hmm... I see. Is this your way of saluting and showing respect to teachers, Hasashi?" the teacher asked as he prowled in front of her desk, towering over her small form, almost shadowing her completely.

"Hai... I apologise for offending you with my actions, Sensei, I have not yet gotten used to the English way. I have made a mistake, please punish me accordingly." she bowed lower, only to hear a few stifled giggles around the class, overshadowed by an amused scoff from the man who tapped her shoulder and motioned her to get up.

"It's fine, you didn't offend anyone. In fact, I'd say you should teach this lot to be more respectful of the teacher staff. Since I did not receive any report card on your grades, I will ask you a few questions so I can understand the level of your aptitudes. Do you understand?" he asked, folding his arms at his chest, looking like an oversized bat, at most. Yes, he seemed intimidating, but if she couldn't go past something like this, then she wasn't worthy of sharing the same blood as the fearless Masamune Date.

"Hai. I am ready, Sensei." to show she wasn't afraid, her green eyes, full of life, peered deep into his dark, abyss-like ones, that seemed to hide only death and desolation. If only either of them knew, it was quite the opposite. "What colour should a Shrinking Solution be?" his first question came after a few seconds of pondering, unlike her answer, faster than blinking - Ashido Midori - She said, only to stumble over and correct herself in English, Acid Green, this time. "Good, good. What would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" "Uh... What do you call it in English... It sends the drinker into a death-like state, comatose like, almost... Flood of Zombie?" she frowned, looking down as she tried to think of the English equivalent. "Essence of the Dead that Lives?" she tried again, which made a few students laugh. She wanted to lash out, to cut off their heads and put them on spikes, to laugh at them, but she had to be polite to everyone... She had to fit in and make friends, and then, as any businessman would say - Profit. "Draught of Living Death, you are correct, Hasashi. As per your incredibly smart colleagues, I will remind them of the tragic grades they took at the exams last year, and how they only passed through sheer luck and the kindness of my own heart. Next. Tell me what is the most powerful love potion, and its distinctive characteristics." oh, yes, the teacher helps the pitiful child who tries their best, but still struggles - If this isn't a plus for me, I don't know what is - Kitsune thought, as she tried her best to keep a smirk from creeping on her face.

"Amortentia... Although, I wouldn't call that love, but obsession. And, uh... The colour of the sheen is like... Pearl. And... Smoke comes up in specific swirls. And it smells different for each person, depending on what they love." she explained, making a motions with her hands to show the smoke raising up. "You already know more than all of these dunderheads who have the audacity to laugh. Last question, and we're done here. Armadillo bile, scarab beetles, and ginger roots, what do you use them for?" he asked once again, and in his heart, seeing this little girl dressed in flower clothes - Red hair, green eyes - He was so bitterly reminded of Her. The woman who once captured his heart, from when she was a little girl, up until the time they grew up... And yet, only one grew to be middle aged, for the other died so cruelly... She was taken away from him... "Smart potion!" she answered quickly, pointing to her head - Her brain, rather - "Makes you think clearly. More attentive." she explained well enough... Yes, Lily was a true prodigy in potions as well. Ask her anything, and she'd know. Just like he was, and still is, a Master of Potions. "20 points to Slytherin... And 10 points off for each of you who dared laugh. Sit down, Hasashi. Fire-Protection potion. I will write down the ingredients and steps on how to brew it..." and so, Kitsune sat down, shared a triumphant look with her platinated friend with whom she fist-bumped quickly before they started taking notes.

The rest of the class went about as one would expect - Twenty cauldrons stood steaming between the wooden desks, on which stood brass scales and jars of ingredients, and every student, paired up, was attending their potion, on which they would lately be graded... And then, just like at the previous class, something had to go amiss, that something being this Gryffindor boy, the meek mouse from earlier who fainted... And now, he made the cauldron explode... Somehow.

There were only 3 steps, how could one go so wrong? Was this boy vision-impaired, or simply incompetent? Not to say that mistakes weren't human, clearly, but this was really something else. Something big enough for Snape to overreact, scold the boy, Evanesco-away the potion and give him a straight Zero on it. Oh well...

This class went by faster than expected, and thus, lunch came by, and Kitsune could only look at the food and sigh - She really craved some Ramen... Or at least one of those super cheap, supermarket instant-Udon... And she missed seeing everyone use chopsticks... And having Bento, eating outside, in the lovely sun. Shaking her head, she took out her own chopsticks and put a little bit of everything on her plate, wanting to eat in peace and quiet... But the gang was anything but that, and she couldn't help but chuckle and partake occasionally in their conversation.

"Did you hear those stupid Gryffindors laughing at you?! Gosh, how I wanted to teach them a lesson. How dare they laugh at our Princess?" Draco sneered angrily, only for the girl to carefully put down her plate and place her hand on his shoulder, smiling at him. "Thank you for being here for me, Draco. I know I can rely on you if I ever need you. There is no need to get angry on my behalf, you saw that Sensei punished them accordingly." ever the peace-maker, Kitsune... If only they knew... "All they know is to ridicule and make fun of us, just because we are superior! They are nothing more than disgusting blood-traitors and mudbloods!"  harsh, Parkinson... So harsh... So cruel... "Do you know Quidditch, Kitsune?" after scoffing to calm himself down, the boy turned to look at her. "Oh, yes, I know the game! I never played it myself, but I went to all the matches in our school. I find it very fascinating." she smiled at him - She seemed to have a passive, gentle smile on her face whenever around anyone who would approach her with good intentions. "Then, will you cheer for me at the next match?" he smirked, wanting to hear the praises of all those around him. "Ehhh? You got chosen for the Slytherin's team?! Already?!" Parkinson gasped in shock... The two goons behind him seemed to want to say something, but they were much too dumb to open their mouth and say something that wasn't akin to a gorilla laugh. "Of course! I'm the Slytherin's new Seeker! Not to mention, my dad made a very kind donation to our team. He got us all Nimbus 2001. There's no way we're gonna lose against anyone, including Scar-face!" the boy boasted confidently, only for the girl dressed in pink to almost literally have question marks above her head, as she smiled wider, albeit, very confused. "Uhm... Who is... Scar... Face?" she mumbled softly, not wanting to bother. "Ohhh, right, right, you don't know... You don't know Saint Potter. Honestly, it's better that you don't know him...Yet, you have to know about him, so you keep your distance. Look over there. See that guy with glasses? Yeah, that's him. That's Potter. That ginger hobo is Weasley, and rodent teeth with hair like a bush is Mudblood Granger. They are the worst. And Dumbledore praises them just because they are Gryffindors. It's unfair and stupid. That's why Snape protects us. He's the only teacher who isn't lenient with those idiots there." the boy tried to explain, but such silly misunderstandings seemed nothing but childish for her, and she only chuckled in agreement. "This war between houses seems really silly if you ask me. I cannot say I understand this competition of yours. We are sorted into four Houses too, but they are all representatives of a flower from each season. We have Cherry Blossom for Spring, Lotus for Summer, Chrysanthemum for Autumn and Plum for Winter. They all have their traits, of course, that is why we are sorted accordingly, but in the end, we are all flowers, and we should be kind to one another... That is what we are taught." she explained, hoping they would stop this idiocy, at least in her presence. "Flowers for Houses, huh? How very feminine. Yes, I have to say, flowers and colours suit you well. Then, what are the traits for each House? Tell me that, and I'll tell you about ours." leaning his elbow on the table, as he rested his jaw on his palm, Draco leisurely relaxed in his seat, waiting for the girl to speak. In fact, he realised that, the more native words she spoke, the cuter she was.

"Well, I was sorted into the Sakura house... The Cherry Blossom. My House stands for feminine beauty, strength and mystery, while also acknowledging the fleeting nature of life, and how one must do anything to achieve their goals. The Cherry Blossom is a national treasure, and since we start school in April, the two weeks in which the trees are in bloom, we go watch the beautiful flowers. Most people sorted here choose to go to Kendo classes... Uh... Sword fighting, if you will. And we... We mix dancing and fighting. Like Yin and Yang, we combine the feminine grace with the masculine strength... Et voila. We have this." she giggled softly, thinking with glee at the wonderful sensation of having the handle of her katana... Masamune's own katana... grasped tightly in her hand as she slashed away at the bamboo sticks with perfect accuracy.

"...You mean to say... You can fight with a sword? Like... A real sword?" Pansy gasped loudly, which seemed to peak everyone's interest... The people around, that is.

"H-Hai... Hai. I told you, I come from a Samurai bloodline. For me, it is the highest honour to be able to wield Masamune's katana. Life is short, I fear nothing, and I will allow nothing to come between me and my happiness and ambition. Masamune once said... 'You cannot enjoy life if you spend all your time huddling in fear, hiding your eyes. Let go of your fear. Look where you are. Enjoy yourself. You can do whatever you like, just make sure you are doing that for you, not for anyone else. It's your life, not anybody else's.' I choose to live by his words, and somehow, I believe that most of my house chose this as our House's quote." this foreigner... Is something else. She sounds like a muggle, somehow, and yet, things abroad seems so... Different.

Like it's a whole other world than the one he lives in. This is weird, this is strange, and yet... And yet, Draco's unquenchable thirst for knowledge and for unveiling mysteries makes him want to know more and more about this land of mystery.

"So, you say you have your sword with you? Here? At Hogwarts?" Draco leaned forward, very intrigued. "Sono tori desu." the girl nodded simply, patting the sword attached to her hip, before continuing. "I would rather die than have that sword taken away from me. It means to me more than anything else in the world."

"Show us, then! I've never seen a sword in my life - How cool!" Parkinson chirped immediately, only to be cut off by the foreigner's edged voice. "Kotowaru." she shook her head solemnly. "You are not used to having weapons around you. All you know is that wooden, pointy stick of yours. I could take off your head before you would even be able to blink. I do not make mistakes. I NEVER make mistakes. And yet, if one of you accidentally did something stupid, I would be the one to take the blame, not any of you. I'm not going to entertain any of you. I am a Princess. Only a select few can watch me perform, and neither of you earned that privilege." the girl scoffed, obviously offended. She even looked away like an indignant Princess, Draco thought in amusement. Very dignified and prideful. "Come on, Princess, don't get mad at us. I'm sure these guys are sorry for being insensitive idiots." however, just as Draco scolded his friends, an owl flies into the Great Hall, letting a letter fall into Weasley's food plate... Only for him to stare horrified at it, almost crying. Well, first of all, the bird fell in the food too, but... That's the least of his embarrassment. A Howler, they called it... "Draco... What's a... A... That." she pointed at the letter. "It's a show. Watch and see, Princess." Draco laughed along with all the goons around him and the letter suddenly rose up and started shrieking at the ginger boy, making the girl gasp in shock. "RONALD WEASLEY! How DARE you steal that car! I am absolutely DISGUSTED! Your father's now facing an inquiry at work and it's ENTIRELY! YOUR! FAULT! If you put another TOE out of the line, we'll bring you STRAIGHT HOME! Oh, and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor, your father and I are so proud." the obnoxious letter must have been from his mother, Kitsune thought, as she watched the letter stick its... Uh... Tongue at him, then rip itself apart. However, as sympathetic as she wanted to appear, she couldn't help but stifle a laughter as well as everyone around. "I surely didn't expect something like this to happen. You were right, this was quite the show. But... No matter what he did, he surely shamed his family. But such a public scolding? My... How dishonourable..." the girl shuddered slightly, cringing at the idea. "The Weasleys are a shame to this wizarding world, Kitsune. They are all Blood Traitors. This is what he deserves." but his harsh words, although they bothered her, she didn't care to refute or anything. This wasn't her country, nor her school, nor her people or her friends. These were all just a bunch of mean-spirited strangers who knew nothing but to be hostile against each other. What an obnoxious place she was stuck into.

Can't she just go home already? This whole ordeal is so troublesome...

Next Chapter >

[f0point5]

Oh some of them have some very interesting friends 😭 Charles and Lando employ a fair few of them but I know Lando has moved some around too. I can see why they do it, to always have a friend with you but the lines get a bit blurred. Carlos has his cousin as his manager and there’s another one in his entourage too and I feel like it’s messier with family. Not sure if I believe every rumour about his family making things difficult but it probably has a little bit of truth to it.

I’m not too sure what Victoria is doing at the moment, I think she’s just had her baby but I’ve never been sure if she’s trying to be an influencer or just getting sent things.

I think it’s difficult because I guess for them if they feel/know someone isn’t taking advantage of them, they want to keep those people around them, even by employing them. You want to keep your circle closed because you’re never sure if new people’s intentions. But for sure some of their friends ride their coattails and me personally that would make me feel awkward.

I think it would be easier with family in a lot of ways. For me at least. I don’t think I would ever doubt the intentions of family and helping them out career wise seems a bit more like you’re advancing the interests of the whole family rather than just…paying your friends? Because family never stops being family, but there’s a time before those friends and potentially a time after them. But that being said I don’t see my extended family often so it’s not like if I hired and fired them I’d have to worry about seeing them in two weeks at the bbq.

I’ve heard that his cousin is not a good manager, but idk if that was a real rumour or just based on his lack of sponsorships and his parents being bad for PR.

Victoria did just have her baby, called Hailey I believe. I always wonder about her influencing, I used to think it was her job but the more I saw her stories it seems more like she just takes what comes her way rather than really striving to make a career out of it. Which I’m sure is a lot less stressful and better overall. But yeah it seems more like a gifting thing. I’ve never seen her do swipe ups or anything like that.

[seeking-sanity]

Forgetting to remember is probably the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me.

I used to dread Christmas in my marriage, because- well- it was a terrible marriage full of one-sided love and reciprocated with greed and resentment. I looked forward to spoiling the kids as much as I could, and over the decade learned how to pretty delicately dodge the arguments from their father that would inevitably result in a general impression that he would just prefer they were always lacking- as he was...

And then he really ruined Christmas- with his less than festive attempt to decorate his semi in the truck parking- with his lifeless body... and the subsequent 911 call, CPR, and CCU stay- followed by the psych stay, the non-compliance with ANYTHING that might make him "healthy" to be around his kids. His obsession with committing to making me miserable, and in fear the rest of my life-

and then the worry- after I finally was free- of whether he would just do it anyways- completely destroy the kids. They were the only thing worth having that relationship for... they deserved so much more... from both of us if i'm being honest....

But Christmas- it never felt safe, or the same since. Even in healing, in investing in myself and a new life- Christmas was always just malicious compliance and a little bit habit, the excitement in the moments was fleeting- and the feeling of family had long since been gone.

This year, I did a thing- ventured down the entire coast, to spend the holidays with not my family. I had anxiety, feelings of stress, discomfort in a super general way... this is the first year I've missed a holiday with my mom, my nephew.

So we get here, way later at night than planned- settle into meeting strangers at midnight- and sleeping in their home.

This week has been eye opening for me. To see how people can openly accept a stranger into their home- love them- simply for the smile they brought with them. And maybe it isn't loving ME, but extended their love to me. This week has been sneaking trips for Christmas presents- getting excited playing the mole for gift ideas and keeping everyone's secrets. Cooking and sharing stories, taking boat rides and laughing- feeling like its just a vacation- with people who have been expecting me the whole time.

Yes, we are strangers in understanding- but just outright open acceptance- and love.

I forgot to remember how much anxiety this week brings me. i forgot to relive the trauma, the phone call, the moments in still frame- crystal clear and unfolding as if it were right now.

maybe this is what healing looks like... its not forgetting- or feeling any different about the meories when i think about them... its jsut forgetting to give them space. its forgetting to allow what doesn't matter- to matter- despite your best efforts to hold the wall, and protect yourself.

sometimes healing- is simply risking being allowed to be okay...

[theinstanceoflife]

October 3, 2023

It is yet another day early in the week that has slipped away from me quickly after this morning's little extended writing exercise that I didn’t finish until 6AM. I enjoyed writing for a change and it was almost like old times too because I haven’t really written like that in such a long time I was just relaxed and able to touch on a lot of things as they came and went when I was reflecting in real-time. So much anger and bitterness has been in me since the harassment scheme ended, and I got back home. Needless to say, it’s one of the longest ones I’ve written for one entry at 40-some pages. Tonight hopefully, I can keep my writing session a little shorter and sweeter.

I didn’t get up until about 12PM this morning but didn’t feel very good so I just slept on and off in bed until about 5PM when I decided to take the bus down to the Kroger downtown where I get off for my jaunts to the FAN and the Starbucks there. The stupid Food Lion won’t ever get their system fixed and accept the debit card the medical insurance company sent me and Family Dollar over here doesn’t have shit and is marked up way too much too so you lose money. The other time I went there, the dumb girl tried to insist on not taking the card because she said they didn’t work and I had used it there just a few days twice before. I think what happened is I bought something I was planning to use cash for and it wasn’t approved and for some reason the system couldn’t figure it out. She wouldn’t take the damn thing or run it a different way so I just left.

It’s so ridiculous and aggravating because now I have to catch a bus downtown just to shop and get decent food. That’s what I did in the late evening and ended up doing better than Food Lion and Kroger had a much better selection and better quality stuff even though it’s a little higher. If you know how to shop though, you can balance it out and get the same or more depending on what you buy. I bought a lot of fruit and vegetables like I wanted before so I can make my own stuff and eat more healthy better food. I’ve been missing so much of that since I got home and my food stamps were cut and everything thing has doubled in price everywhere.

Needless to say the Kroger downtown store was and is always real busy because it’s in a food dessert and so everyone goes there that lives around the area and all. I did well though and got what I wanted and it’s all good stuff, not that shit from Family Dollar which is just bad processed shit and very little of it for marked up prices. They’re not so cheap like they make out to be. It’s a rip off. It’s a ghetto store too and they assume you’re stealing shit the minute you walk in the store and make you put your book bag up front.

The Dollar General up in the shopping center is the same fucking store as the new one and even worse, they won’t let you bring a backpack in there at all and it’s a fucking mess and the service rude. I am not sure why they didn’t just change it back to a Family Dollar it used to be and keep it rather than waste money on building a new store across the street. Maybe they could’ve paid for better employees and less obnoxious security.

The Food Lion is the only place here to shop now and that’s gotten ratty too and the selection is limited and it’s just high as shit on everything. I can’t get quality stuff that is healthy. I think I will shop at this Kroger or the one at Willow Lawn from now on until I get the truck fixed because it’s easier, cheaper in the long run and has much better selection and bigger quantities for what you get generally speaking. The bus goes by both (though their different routes and buses, it just depends on where you’re at, which one to use). I am ok with the either one for now. Food Lion just lost a good customer being so shitty and not fixing this problem.

I bought mostly fruit and stuff like bagged potatoes to make shit with and some tomatoes and stuff for salads. It was a little pricy on some stuff but cheaper on other stuff so it all evened out. I got a pack of these angus hamburgers with cheddar and bacon in them for ten dollars and some good bakery rolls as well as a deli pizza that turned to be really good –better than that Little Caeser shit and cheaper too at $7.50 on sale and $8 regular. I saved half of that and ate half tonight. I am going to make my own fruit boils with the fruit. I just need a water melon and maybe a little extra fruit I can get when I get my food stamps Thursday. I’ll be out at Willow Lawn that day for the doctor and may stop by the Starbucks in the Fan, either way there is Kroger on my way home so Food Lion has lost a regular customer for now.

I am so sick of this area and the crap around here being so fucked up and rude and crude and shit. They’re closing the Walgreens too on October 10th. They already closed the Walmart grocery and of course ran Ukrop’s further up out of business a long time ago during the grocery wars here. A lot of good it did –now there is no competition and prices are high as shit and service is terrible and Ukrop’s used to be the best all the way up until they closed. We had three places to shop but Walmart as usual caused a break in competition at the wholesale level that Ukrop’s couldn’t deal with it easily so it just closed all the locations. Publix finally bought the old Ukrop’s locations that remained and they refuse to do business in ghetto neighborhoods for obvious reasons.

Publix is ok and kind of like Ukrop’s but high as shit but again if you know how to shop there you can get the same deal in the end and much better selection and quality. Food Lion had converted Ukrop’s to Martins before it closed for good during the grocery wars. They bought the chain first and then ruined it when they decided to make all of them closed or turned into Food Lion. Ukrop’s had plenty of store in locations most chains outside the area would not build a store in.

Now there are big food desserts with this so called “Free Market” mentality and everything is higher and shittier. So much for that supply side economics bullshit about trickle down. It just trickles shit down like a stream of diarrhea shit dripping from a over filled deep dark chocolate Mocha milk shake that is really full of shit. I hate this shit today everywhere. It’s ruined so much in this country and there are no mom and pops that can compete with it. They treat their employees like shit and service sucks and so forth.

Then you got the yuppie fools who buy into that Instacart and Uberized bullshit with those companies delivering shit that is marked way up, costs way too much to deliver and raises prices for everybody while fucking anybody that works for them in the process. That’s the great service economy they said would be so great with the Reaganomics trickle down bullshit and break up of unions. Now nobody is happy and it’s all fucked up everywhere. People need to just get off their lazy ass and go shopping and with the shit out of control now they’re going to have to because the big bust is coming soon.

I always liked to go shopping and always was discriminated with pricing of things. I want to save money and get the most I can get and never pay into that gimmickry and trendy shit other than the money I waste with Starbucks but there is a reason I do that and I don’t do it often and do get the most out of that I can. Now they’re getting to be all focused on drive thru customers and delivery too and so the shops are not any fun to spend time at so I am not spending time there much anymore either because of that. I hate going to a ghost town.

This fucking COVID just fucked everybody’s head up somehow and it’s effects are still present and getting worse. The only good that came out of it was the work at home thing but these big corporate assholes are just itching to fuck that up by not paying people and then forcing people back into there little offices so they can keep control and work them like slaves. I swear, I am just so sick of living in this environment today and it’s been at light speed right down the toilet since about 2016 when Trump got elected but it was really going on around 2000 forward and spiked once before about 2005 before Facebook, after that –it just has been on a fast train to a demise of humanity and culture and so much else.

When I was at the Kroger tonight about the leave and smoking a cigarette while killed time waiting to go over to the bus stop out front to wait for it, this young girl was there putting her small backpack of stuff away. She was so short and young and I just couldn’t help notice how nicely she was dress and pretty she was. I didn’t stare at her but I just saw her and it just brought back so much in a way and I felt so old too. I thought about the time too because it was about the time I use to drive up to the Wawa on the highway and take my coffee break and leave about this time or a little later after an hour or so coffee break listening to music and after seeing either Kim or Caitlin or both. I was missing that and them.

This girl at the Kroger surprised me when she finished getting her bike off the bike rail that was locked up and was ready to leave. She turned to me and said hi and told me she thought my little skirt I was wearing was cute and then said good night and was just so friendly yet a little shy too. It sort of tickled me and gave me a little hope I guess that at least she didn’t see me as a pervert or anything and didn’t mind my little girlish outfit complete with my breasts on and all. I said something back to let her know I appreciated and it she left but the point is, it was just nice to have a little interest of some kind after so long since this harassment thing went on and I lost so much and was isolated so badly. She was probably a bit too young in her early 20’s but it was so sweet of her to do that I thought.

I was thinking about Kim afterwards and how much I miss her since our little moment I wrote about and the fact that she had been growing on me a lot before all that shit happened anyway and yet she never knew that and I always thought she didn’t really want me in her life or to go out so I kind of left her alone and just made small talk and teased her sometimes and would sometimes inadvertently piss her off but not with intent of course. Then Kim sort of finally revealed herself a little more and what she felt I think at the end like I did with her with the DVD. I wish we could’ve followed that up somehow and this harassment wasn’t going on because I don’t think she would’ve disappeared like she did right before that shit heated up real bad and they took it out on me and Caitlin. I would’ve probably asked her at least for her number if not just asked her out to a pizza or something.

I am not going to write a lot tonight about Kim or the Wawa girls because I spent so much time last night doing it but I really do wonder what happened to her and why she just disappeared without ever mentioning anything in particular that would indicate she was planning to do that. I mean it wasn’t my business I guess but she probably would’ve said something and I would’ve figured it out and she never did. It was like we had our little moment that night and I never saw her again. I checked several times for her.

I didn’t know how to ask about Kim or what to say and her sister was so sketchy with me for some reason so I didn’t want to ask her. I mean she wasn’t really mean but she just was always so pointed frustrated with me and a little bitchy to me and I never did anything to her. I will always wonder why that was. Anyway, they lived together in their own apartment they shared so I had heard so she would’ve known. I am not sure why she didn’t leave or the other girl I think was related didn’t either yet never would talk to me or say anything but they all knew something.

Kim’s older sister took care of Caitlin in a way through all of this. Then the last time I saw Caitlin working when I walked up there (on a day they would’ve normally been there) –the entire store was loaded with completely different people except Caitlin so maybe Kim’s sister and that other younger girl who might’ve been her youngest sister left too as did other people I kind of was acquainted with who knew me there. It was just weird to say the least. I just keep wondering how long this shit was going on in the background with the harassment scheme and Henrico Mental Health.

I trace it back to one girl before all of this and I thought it was kind of weird in that situation but at the time like I wrote before, I didn’t suspect anything and nothing else weird was happening but she too was like giving me these weird stares like Caitlin was at the end before that last time I saw her. She wanted to tell me something.

I didn’t know how to ask because it was so personal (I didn’t even know her name because I forgot to ask or look at her name tag) and I hardly knew her too but it always bothered me because I really liked the girl and we had, had some good conversations a few times right as COVID lockdowns were winding down. What the hell did they do to her. She just disappeared too and it was the second time she disappeared. She had done this a year or so before that and I think much of it but the last time I saw her that time, she looked very distraught about something and I didn’t know how to follow it up without fishing too much or being too obvious.

I sometimes wonder if that whole store and all those girls I knew and liked were not just staged there for the sole purpose of some clandestine plan in the future which turned out to be this harassment obviously in 2020 onward until I got thrown in the jail over that bullshit at the other Wawa by my house. I mean there was that incident at the Starbucks with Hannah that turned out to be real fishy and involved in this somehow too. I just left that situation alone once the shit started to digress and that’s how I met Kim with my brother one night when we used to go there regularly when he was still alive.

Kim did know I liked her because she was making coffee her first day I think it must’ve been and was so young and just sat there taking her time with the new coffee cannister putting up there as I looked her and thought myself on the rebound “I got to flirt with her the next time I get up here and get to know her…” It was so funny, she just sort of smiled and I knew I had to meet her.

God, the life I have had to live and these “check out chicks” as I call them or essential workers. But then, it’s like I never felt like it was bad, I really did like them once I got to know them and they liked me in many cases so why was it anybody’s business. All of them were of age and they sort of filled a void that created back when I graduated in 1995 and then lost Tracey too. In the case of Kim, as far as I know she was no setup and it was real. She was just six years younger at the time and more giddy than she was later. She was not the kind of person that would participate willingly in some setup. I think that’s why she disappeared in the first place after our marriage moment. She probably couldn’t stand what was happening and go the hell out of there and maybe her sister just stayed to take care of Caitlin who was the target this last time with the harassment.

I don’t know, it’s just disturbing to think a fucking person in Mental Health and people like cops would under official duty facilitate this bullshit. They ought to be prosecuted and sued through the nose and ass and never be allowed to ever wear a badge or practice anything in Mental Health again. The shit I saw Caitlin going through was horrible and the worst of the abuse like it was with me. I think she was unwittingly setup herself. She had come there a year or so before and then abruptly left after I kind of flirted with her and blew her off because it seemed hopeless. I remember her almost starting to laugh once as I tried to initiate conversation with her and was talking to her and she glanced back to her side as if to glace at someone in the back by the deli where Kim worked. I think Kim may have even been working that night or maybe she was off but it was like she acted really weird –just not normal for a young girl. She wasn’t mean or crazy but she was just acting suspiciously like she had been told to do something that was funny or something. I don’t know.

Then Caitlin was gone for a year maybe it was two (I forget) and showed up again and it started when she came to work a little while after that –she waved at me and smiled as I sat in my truck having coffee observing people like I always did around there –it was the afternoon. I didn’t know who this girl was and had never talked to her when she got back because of what happened before a year or so earlier. I left her alone so why was she suddenly interested? I hadn’t talked to her at all when she came back. I just went there like I always did, usually at night when it was slower and when I took my coffee break but sometimes in the mornings.

Me and Caitlin talked a few times after that as I made a point to get to the bottom of who she was and why she did that. She was a nice looking girl. I liked who she seemed to be but something was a little odd with her still. She talked to me once outside and almost broke down and cried and had to catch herself meanwhile she had a mini-van that wasn’t hers with the back door open for a long time when she was inside while I was there and it had all these baby toys in there scattered about. Why was that done? Maybe it was nothing but why was she almost crying with me and had to keep composure.

I later found out Caitlin had a kid so she said in passing I might add as she walked back to the office when I was in line and saw her so I knew that’s probably what it was. She knew I didn’t know and probably thought I would ditch her for that and of course I made a point later to make sure she knew while I couldn’t be a second father for her I didn’t hold that against her either. Yet Caitlin never told me directly about it. It was like there was this little game going with her somehow and I just kept fishing around and hoped I didn’t fall prey to some stupid trap or game but she seemed sincere and sweet in many ways too. I just never could quite put a finger on what was going on with her but something was but it didn’t seem like it had something to do with this whole harassment thing I got wrapped up in.

Caitlin mentioned too that she had the weekend off to see her baby as if to imply someone else was keeping her baby which seemed odd too given the context and her age and other things I profiled about her just reading little things she would do and say and her car and so forth. She never once showed up with her baby which was kind of odd too but that could’ve been for a number of reasons so I didn’t really think much of that. However, things started happening real fast as the harassment ramped up with her cars.

Caitlin told me she was lead foot and I teased her a little about it and told her to get dash cam an be sure to roll tape. Then suddenly she went through like four cars in less than a few months, totaling one just a week or two after she had it repaired and had to wait weeks for that to be done. She got a rental or some small car, totaled that in a week or two then she had her mother’s SUV so she said and that was a nice Toyota and moderately expensive but typical for a middle class person.

I think Caitlin was living at home. I remember once when she had just got her first car I knew her to have fixed after the wreck, she came to work and had this smashed out passenger side window which was real odd too. It was like somebody smashed it out and pulled someone out of there like either the cops or who the fuck knows but she never mentioned having a boyfriend –in fact she said she was lonely and had no friends and slept all the time and worked so much she didn’t have time to hang out with the friends she once hung out with and I could sense she didn’t really like those people whoever they were. She approached me out of the blue when I went there one evening for coffee and I couldn’t turn her away against all my gut instincts telling me to keep a distance.

I mean I literally had a churn in my gut at the time Caitlin approached me that one night at the coffee stand and I always wondered why that was. I also had to do a double take because I didn’t want another relationship like I had with Tracey and have it get ugly and really my heart was with Kim anyway. Then of course I was losing Kim because she was graduating and it hadn’t been settled, something where I pissed her off and wanted to make it up to her (which was the real inspiration for the DVD as well as the way Kim sort of had that last golden hour with me where she really put all out to let me know what she could that she liked me still.)

I made a point to ask Kim first if I could do it for her because of our little mess years before when I tried to ask her out. I had been kind of keeping a distance with her too but I liked her a lot and she was growing on me as both me and her got older even before the harassment really began in earnest. I had known her like six years at the time. It was just complicated because I didn’t want to get into some jealously game and then later on it ended up that way after I did the DVD for Kim and gave it to her. Caitlin blew up out of the blue. I had tried to give a little USB key with an impromptu message on video to her explain that DVD because I sensed she was upset and that was the only way I could do it so I tried and she almost had me banned from the store but didn’t. She cried so much though. It was awful.

I left for a few weeks and started to go the one in Hanover to give time to cool things down but then I decided to just go back because I wasn’t going to let that happen over this shit but I was careful to avoid Caitlin and leave her alone and damn it the first day I didn’t even realize it but she was right there beside me at the coffee stand just as I thought I was safe and she broke down and cried and ran to the back and I really didn’t do that on purpose. It was after that, that things started getting more and more weird with her. The stuff with the cars, the stuff she was doing when she left work and the way she looked at me all the time.

Caitlin wanted to talk at first then she got really scared as if I was going to kill her or something and that’s when Kim’s sister sort of walked to her car and helped her somehow in the background. I was grateful as weird as it was, that she did do that. That last I was there Kim’s sister took Caitlin to her truck and they waited for me to leave first and I waited for them and she wouldn’t go so I just left and knew Kim’s sister was with her so I was ok but it pissed me because I knew this harassment was way out of hand and already had got other innocent bystanders I knew involved in shit they had no business being dragged into.

The way Caitlin was being abused was the worst of the worst I knew about but I wonder about the other girl “C-Scrub” because back then it was so quiet and nobody else seemed to know or act funny with me –just her. It was really sad in retrospect last night when I wrote thinking they might’ve really worked her over too for some reason. She was about Kim’s age and they both were friends. But Kim never said anything or indicated anything weird at the time. It was just these double stares this girl would always give to me as if she wanted to tell me something and was feeling really bad about something. She was not mad at me.

C-Scrub liked me as I did her but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want a big jealousy thing there either because Kim was the girl that had my heart first and still did too. The whole name thing was just a joke. The girl had such a funny personality and well she was nice looking like Kim and it was just an off the cuff thing not anything serious. I feel so guilty about it now. It was just the first time I felt comfortable about that sort of thing and seeing the girl that inspired it and all but I knew better than to objectify her like that because I really liked her personality and her as a person most of all.

I wonder if these assholes who harassed me sexualized her like they tried to do me or sexualized the situation or my character somehow like I was going to rape her or violate her somehow or was some pervert. I never would’ve done any of that. It scared me to death –the reality if she really did want to do such things and knowing her, in her normal state, she’d laugh and probably want to and I just thought it was a funny little secret until she started acting so weird and sad and doing those double stares at me all the time.

The worst I would’ve done maybe is ask her and Kim on a double date with both of them as friends so I could get to know Kim better and be the other girl’s friend like Kim was and we all would’ve benefited socially I guess but I didn’t even consider that at the time. I just knew this girl put a good word in for me over that skirt thing that kind of seemed to upset Kim for a while at first when I first started openly letting people see the girl side of me and dressing as a girl.

I didn’t know shit about “C-Scrub” much but we talked a few times she was fun to talk to and I had overheard her say once to Kim, she hated Mechanicsville and well I do too so it was funny, I sort of laughed to myself about that –those goddamn fake rednecks out there. That’s why I hate it and I got a little redneck in me but those are so fake out there and sick too and well it was just so damn funny. I wonder what happened to her out there.

Anyway, with Caitlin, when I returned to the store after our little break and I was going to the Hanover location right up the highway a mile or two to help Caitlin (I hoped) calm down and see I didn’t mean her any harm or to hurt her –I just walked in and thought Caitlin was up front. She wasn’t and was right where I was at the coffee stand to my left and she’s short so I didn’t notice her as I was scanning the store to stay out of her way. Then I turn and look down and there she is all frustrated and crying and she ran to the back.

It was so sad and I hated it because I really did make an effort to accommodate her at least for a while so we could just return to strangers we were to each other if that’s what she was most comfortable with. After that, it got worse and worse. But there was a short period where I almost was able to get to talk to me so I could explain this shit to her better and maybe avoid this kind of shit in the future and then is when the harassment began to blow up quickly. Whoever was behind this shit didn’t want me making up with her or talking me talking to her and having any social contact at all. They kept working her hard as they were trying to isolate me to having contact with nobody and being complete on my own alone. They had already been doing shit at the Starbucks downtown too with the girl I liked there and had just started talking to on and off lightly so I could maybe get to know her and maybe ask her out which I intended to do if things didn’t work out with Kim which they didn’t.

It wasn’t working out with Caitlin either. I just wanted to make some friends more than anything else but I did have a special thing for Kim in particular because she had been there so much longer and I knew her longer and she was growing on me little by little as I observed her and changed myself during that one year of healing I did before this shit started.

Caitlin didn’t say it but she did mention her mother’s truck and I just got the sense her mother was handling her life because of things she got wrapped up in when she was younger. Of course when I heard about Kentucky, I knew the deal with that. Caitlin was probably with some druggie crowd in high school and had an illegitimate kid or was raped or something. She had all the signs of that emotionally –some kind of abusive relationship if not a very bad one that involved rape of some sort. She always was worried I’d send her “dick pics” too which I wouldn’t ever do to anybody. I don’t want “pussy pics” either like some of these dumb ass men these days. That shit is sick to me –all of it.

Caitlin was hiding so much and yet she didn’t have to but I respected her as much as I could. I could read between the lines and always have with people. I can profile people too and always do in situations like this. It’s just second nature to me. Most of the time I am pretty close to spot on though sometimes I make mistakes like anybody especially when I am being setup like they did with that youngest sister of Kim’s who resembled “c-scrub” and whom I thought was weird until I later found out more through observations of her and things she did.

Kim’s youngest sister (if it was her sister –they looked pretty much close facially –I can see the genetic similarities) was involved in this scam too and I am not sure she even realized what she was in the middle of. She did some weird shit leaving work one day with her little Impala doing a funky spin around as if I was tailing her which I wasn’t and almost caused me to rear end her the way she did it but she made a clean move and somebody had to teach her that.

Why Kim’s youngest sister (or whoever she is) did it is a mystery to me too because I made a point to leave before she got off –though it was just a few minutes. Somehow she got to the light just as I pulled up there too so maybe they had something on my truck or used my phone to track me in my truck because I did look a few times as I recall and randomly look when I feal with something funky but it’s easy to forget. I have nothing to hide but I don’t want someone setting me up either so I guess I’ll have to scan my truck somehow from now on in the future regularly.

I saw some shit on TikTok where a guy used a cellular jammer and frequency jammer on his vehicle which I didn’t know was illegal but it is (however they got to catch you and there’s probably ways to pulse it to make them never find it) –and because he took the same route, that’s how he got caught but it was so funny, he did it for years because he was pissed off at people driving and texting and clogging traffic. It even interfered with the entire cellular networks at several companies and law enforcement and emergency response shit too.

I had considered a jamming device after this shit that was done to me. I still may do it but just a different kind of way that is legal or in the grey where they could never quite finger you for it. Fuck these people, if the law allows them to do this shit to me, why shouldn’t I have a way to protect myself? I would simply find a way to dismember the device and also pulse the jamming technique and use a similar undocumented technology and they’d never figure out what the hell it was –it would just do it’s things when you need it to. They treated me like some spy in a foreign land and abused me, damn if they’ll get away with it easy again. The goddamn local cops abused me so why should they be able to freely communicate false information? It’s bullshit. That’s another law they need to revisit and change so people can keep these out of control mostly local law enforcement abuses in check.

Anyway, the point is this girl who may or may not have been Kim’s sister and who resembled “c-scrub” like she resembled Kim herself acted real weird to me and even let me study her face like I said that one time so I know she’s got to be related to Kim. She even cracked a smile but never would talk to me at all yet talked to some old guy once in the store and seemed to be a really nice girl so it was obvious she was doing this on purpose to spook me and be part of this false reality these assholes were trying to create –the so called psychosis I didn’t really have.

I know Kim would never sign off on some shit like this so I am not sure why this girl did. Even Kim’s other bitchy sister who didn’t like me wouldn’t have done that shit. It’s all weird and more weird the more I reflect. Maybe the entire family was in the middle of this shit somehow. They did drive fleet government GSA auction Impala’s except Kim. There were two of them, one blue and one tan. Kim’s bitchy sister always drove the tan one and once put ghetto rims on it and after I joked on the DVD message I did for Kim –they were quickly gone. I found that rather odd given the context.

The youngest of the girls used to come to work in the tan one her other sister had and they sometimes showed up together and then she started driving the blue one she had this night she did that driving stunt someone had to teach her because it was kind of tricky to do that without fucking up your car or causing a wreck and she did it perfect. I don’t know. I hope it’s not true that they willing participated and all of it was a lie from the start but who the hell knows. Stranger things have been true in the end. Maybe Kim got too emotional and couldn’t take it anymore or maybe she was just cunning and cold and didn’t care and participated but I kind of doubt it because my instincts just tell me that about both Kim and her bitchy sister but that youngest girl –I really don’t know. She did what she did and it was obviously a game to her and funny.

If I were going to tail her, I would’ve done it and she would’ve never knew it but I am not going to do that unless I really had to –especially to some young girl or some girl related to a girl I did know and like or just a girl I liked and read fairly well like Caitlin. I could’ve put a device on her car without her ever knowing shit and known in real time or later everywhere she went, times dates and locations and could’ve gotten a device to hack her phone and listen in and she’d never know it and I’d know everything I wanted to know.

It’s that easy now to dig dirt and track people and while some of it is technically illegal some it has not been legislated at all because it’s such new technology and there are all kinds of constitutional questions too. Needless to say, I should’ve and should’ve done it with Caitlin too like I almost started to do the old fashion “Rockford” way. I didn’t want to hurt Caitlin or scare her though but I did want to know what the hell the deal was with her and why this shit was getting strange with her so abruptly.

I may have avoided a lot of the shit that happened later if I had put a trace on Caitlin. I should’ve found out where she lived, grabbed the garbage one night from her house and did a profile on that like I did at the carriage house with that crazy bastard the FBI later took down right after my little “crash” there. Back then it was so funny, I had just done garbology on this guy was tempted to tap his fax line right outside the window and run it to my half assed computer to get a copy of his outgoing shit just to see what he was really doing. Everyone knew he was coning people but the feds apparently didn’t have enough to get him yet so he got away with for a long time while I lived there and I did this in the spring before the shit hit me so it was funny because if the CIA was involved like I think they were, they would’ve had this shit I had and known it and passed along most likely.

It’s really funny that right after that he got busted for exactly what I thought he was up to –a big ponzi scheme I deciphered from his garbage dump once he thought nobody was watching but I was because I knew he was dirty as shit. God knows what I’d find in Caitlin’s family trash and her trash if she had a separate can. I probably would be embarrassed to find some fucking sex related items from her trash. I mean she’s got to be a horny girl sometimes at least.

It’s so ridiculous and funny –garbology and what you can decipher from that shit that people don’t realize. All little tidbits paint larger picture and I know how to do this shit well. I remember those personality tests in college would always peg me into these professions involving private investigators amongst other things like that as well as sciences and strategic planning like I had thought about doing for political shit but decided against because of the nasty climate building since Clinton got elected.

Never leave one tidbit or stone unturned is the rule with investigation of people and events, no matter how trivial or small or unrelated it may seem on it’s face. It’s what intelligence people do too. That’s what is so funny about all this shit. Those dumb ass Mental Health people really underestimated who they got involved with and who I was and how I think and operate especially under fire and after the fact like now.

I am going to burn their ass for this shit and get some money out of their ass for it too because I am going to sue the fuck out of this county for that shit too. It was that way in 1995 though we didn’t have all the nice cheap technology we do today back then that makes it even easier for anybody –even average people with some sense to do counter intelligence and figure shit like this dirty as shit out and prove it and set them up too with little traps of your own to use later when you can’t fight back in real time while it’s happening.

During every one of these manufactured mental crisis’ I had since 1995 I always did that, I call it “rolling the tape” and just remember every detail, take notes visually and tag them in your mind if nothing else is available and after you survive if you do, you can piece it all together and stick up their ass and play them more if you have to. I had to do that for 28 years because I had no support otherwise or money but the records don’t like and they are all official records that better add up (and I know mine don’t) and if you get a lawyer(s) involved, their going to sink like the Valdez with a lot of political and civil and maybe criminal liabilities. They sure are this latest time because they were so fucking embolden they got real sloppy.

The thing is, I never did anything politically to warrant any of this even if they were planning to fuck someone. They fucked the wrong son of bitch because I do know people and know how the system works and I know how the CIA operates to some degree and I know enough about intelligence and counter intelligence to get myself by just fine. I could probably had gone into that after college and been paid well and not had to fuck anybody but just analyze information and plan stuff that was legitimate to track bullshit going on.

Henrico Mental Health doesn’t like that either and they thought they were going to take me out this last time and facilitated things that could’ve killed me and they know I know it and know I know they did it and now I bet they’re sweating bullets because of how sloppy they were and how much I do really know and didn’t buy into their little pill game and nut house game and co-dependent soup kitchen logic bullshit.

Those police better know it ( what I just wrote too) because now they’re involved in a real dirty way too and I am going to burn their ass too politically and sue them maybe too and the sheriffs office as well as commonwealth’s because they are all involved in this political mess created by Henrico Mental Health’s little games with me. They’re going to regret ever fucking me like they did recently too because I am going to make them eat shit at every turn.

Those elected officials who are Democrats in this county are going to eat shit if they don’t pull the plug in my favor too because they’re now involved like the Commonwealth’s Attorney and Sheriff’s office. Either they participated willingly or were lied to. I already had it out with a collector for the Commonwealth’s Attorney’s office over this shit and told them, I don’t have money to pay them and then hinted around about the lies and deceit and this harassment suit.

I’ve been tagging shit online so I know it gets around to them sooner or later too. They wanted to make it political, I told Mental Health they didn’t want to do that and they did anyway so they get what they got coming. Shannon Taylor (Henrico’s Commonwealth) is a pretty transparent person and I voted for her and I just can’t imagine she really knew about this but I will hold her to fire when I write her office about it because these fucking people did this shit and I got fucked in court over it twice now –I did in 2005 too for shit Mental Health facilitated and did back then and lied about. They probably lied to her and so did the police. She’s going to shit a brick when she finds out what really was going on. I just know she will. She’ll remain silent but it’s going to burst sooner or later when I get some lawyers up the county’s ass both for the criminal violations and civil liabilities involved. We’re talking civil rights violations, human rights violations, deceit and harassment and violations of both federal and state law that Henrico Mental Health facilitated and active participated in too. It does not look very nice and it will blow up in the media once it gets out there like that recent case where they were involved in letting some poor black kid get murdered in the Henrico Jail.

They settled that case I mentioned for 8 million and would not take fault but everybody knows. Meanwhile 13 deputies are charged with murder after the Sheriff found out what happened and turned them over and this all occurred like a week or two after I was shipped off to Marion where the state nut house is. I know Mental Health was behind that somehow though not directly. They’re out of control with this harassment shit in this county and using mental illness as cover for all this dirty shit they’re doing like harassing me over the property and all out of the blue after years leaving us alone after I got the State Senator up their ass about that.

That time the state senator fried the county’s ass was when the county was harassing my mother with some turp in the building code section (not really mental health) but it was the same sort of shit they tried again this time with Henrico Mental Health facilitating it against me secretly. I am not stupid. I knew exactly where that was coming from when that woman handed me that paper right out of their stupid play book with the phone numbers that was photocopied from their office. It was ridiculous. There was nothing going on with me and I was fine until right after that when they started stepping up the harassment to a boiling point about the time Caitlin was involved in it.

This entire county has this secret little war going against poor people and they love to get mental health clients because they’re easy fooder they think. Well they’re going to find out now the made a very bad decision of who to fuck with. A very, very bad decision because I was going to be a political operative one day after college to clean ups shit like this and get people elected to fight assholes like this and I had just decided not to because I didn’t want to spend my time swimming in shit like this all my life but well, I have forgotten my skill and tricks and I know the game all too well, probably better than some young people doing it now. I am up there with Carville and the like.

I know my shit but I didn’t want to be dragged into this pissing contest at my age because of this shit for sure. I didn’t want to when I was young because it’s dirty business and the climate was just going to hell then too. I would’ve been a son of a bitch though and probably won a lot of them, maybe even a presidency for somebody if I had. The irony of it is here, we go again, all these years later and I am already pissed off as are a lot of people with the political state this country has gotten into and I am older, got even less to lose and I’ll go in and they’ll be sucked into a pile of sinking shit when I come to play.

When I am finished, I’ll die in peace knowing their asses are swimming in shit forever for this shit. Maybe those girls I knew that I liked and were stolen from me or denied a chance to share something with me  will get older can have kids and make enough money and raise them and have a family with a real future in a better place. Maybe someone like Kim will jump in and become a political operative and burn their ass some more. She’s got the ability little did I know because I saw it only once and I know it when I know it. I guess that’s kind of one more reason I kind of obsess over her though all these years later.

I haven’t seen Kim in three years now and miss her because if she was political like I think she was, I would teach her every trick I knew and somehow we’d share something like that before I am dead and I would be so proud to see her succeed and become a force on her own. She was a smart intelligent girl but a humble soul who did care about something. I know that much. She was not somebody in it just for power or money with anything —she hated that as evidenced by what she spontaneous said to me about Trump and was so angry and passionate about it. I had never seen her that angry and I told her then –just hold that thought –I wanted to say more, but I told he’s got what he’s got coming –just wait and now that asshole is getting it –that whole Trump movement is.

I really burns me that she disappeared out of the blue so abruptly after we had our moment not because she might’ve moved on which may be what she did but I kind of think she didn’t do it for that reason. She told me just a week or so before that how she wasn’t sure what she was going to do after graduation. She had no real plans so I think she got the fuck out of there because of what was happening to me that she had no control over and was angry about. She did all she could do to let me know she cared and I knew already she did but she was so especially sweet and it meant so much to me and doing the DVD was bitter sweet because I didn’t want to let her go but I sort of felt like she would someday soon anyway and I wanted her to know how I felt about her. I didn’t expect her to leave so soon though. She just did on her own without ever hinting she was about to. I think there was some reason for that that had to do with me and what was happening that she felt like she couldn’t tell me or just couldn’t because she had to deal with the potential harassment coming on her if she did. It’s so sad. I wanted so much to love her someday or learn to or at least give it a try.

As for Caitlin, I don’t want to lose track here like I have, Caitlin meant something to me in a different way. She was a friend and I needed a friend with Kim going like I thought she was because she finished college and had always told me she didn’t want sling subs all her life. On top of that Caitlin was really an emotionally unstable person in the sense she was trying so hard to start over from something ugly in her past and I just knew it though I never really told her that or the fact that I was myself in a lot of ways since my brother died and I was finally on my own with all the negatives (so I thought) out of my life at least with my so called fucked up family.

I wanted to give Caitlin some hope too like Kim gave me and just be there if she would let me and I think she would’ve if not for this other shit going on but then again maybe it all was a setup from the git go and she didn’t care at all but I find that hard to fathom given little things we shared and the way she was with me at first and what I observed with her when she didn’t think I was watching. Somebody was abusing her the entire time if it was a setup and she didn’t realize it until later and I seriously doubt it was her own family. She never mentioned her family much, just her mother but she obviously had a father and there as an ARMY sticker on her mother’s SUV so they probably used the Army to get the hell out of Kentucky (hence the vacation story I wrote about the other night.)

Out there in Kentucky, people are poor as shit and live a hard life generally and it’s hard to break that cycle and I am not sure Caitlin herself was ever there for long but she may have been an illegitimate baby herself that her parents had and they wanted to get her out of there for her own good and one thing led to another and they came to Virginia and somehow she got in with a bad crowd when she was real young in high school and repeated the old Kentucky cycle sort of. It was sad. It’s hard to know exactly what the truth was because that’s such a personal thing and I didn’t want to nose around about it too much. I just know from what I know about Kentucky and then I looked up Kentucky and a lot about it after she told me that vacation story. I already knew some stuff because of my grand mother’s mother had moved out there way back in the 20’s I guess it was –it was even worse then. There was this lady with a store out in Hickman Kentucky who often took care of stuff with my grandmother’s mother back then. The mother was like almost 100 then and died shortly after that. She lived in “graves county” Kentucky in a shotgun shack where she started decades ago I guess.

The Mormons also took care of my grandmother’s mother too but she was never a religious person and always hid her tobacco, whiskey and coffee under her bed and they never knew she had it. She had a shotgun too and that was about it. She was a character no less –I can’t remember all the stories but she’d kill a bastard and almost did when this guy fucked with my grandmother but decided to just “injure” him I think with the shotgun –I don’t remember if they killed him later or not but this was so far back in nearly the 1900’s or so –it was like the wild out there here in Virginia too near Charlottsville in a town called “Howardsville” which is still there today.

I bet Howardsville probably has suffered some gentrification too like everything today but in the 80’s it was pretty much like it always was, just a small dot on the map and town washed out from the hurricane during the Nixon years in 72. It’s where the James river meets with another river (I forget the name of it) and turns into the James and heads to Richmond which also was hit by huge floods during that hurricane that year. It’s not far from Fork Union on Route 60 I think (Patterson Ave lot of laughs here in Richmond.) I used to love riding up there just to relax and see the old country so to speak. It’s not changed a lot but with all this gentrification it’s getting a little shitted up in some places.

They lived in an old slave quarters on this small plantations of sorts there. It was a minified Jefferson style thing at UVA. It was for sale ironically the last time I looked it up to see if the town changed. I went there a few times with my brother and grandmother when she was in good health and it sort was washed out by Agnes in 72 and never fully recovered back then. The waterlines were still on all the stuff in the little town but they did have this one country store still there and it was pretty good. I liked it up there actually. It’s not that far from Richmond.

Anyway, the point was that after my grandmother turned about 18-20 (I don’t remember) she wanted to come to Richmond and live so her mother moved on to Kentucky and this was in the early roaring 20’s. My grandmother worked in a box factory down here and met her husband at this dance club downtown which I had just walked by the other day. It was in what is now an abandoned Standard Drug building or the building next to the old infamous “Progressive Barbershop (a black owned shop) as I recall. It was on the black side of the street, the street across was the white side (Broad Street).

My grandmother’s husband had a little half assed shop in Shockoe Bottom because he was also poor and then they somehow rented or bought this house which is one of few left on Cary St. by where lot where the State Prison used to be –the godless 100 year old one they finally tore down and moved to Greenville. The funny thing is, you can look from there all the way to the Jefferson Hotel right where I had my carriage house. Oh god, the stories are endless and I don’t recall all of them or miss some of the details but I’ve heard plenty from both my mother and grandmother when she was in good health.

There was a lady that used to own a Western Auto out there in this town with all these inbred people who had a genetic deformity in the same arm and were just poor and uneducated –products of the shit that goes on out there. That lady left Kentucky and was smart and came back to try to help with the Western Auto when she got married and I can’t remember or never knew her name but she had a store in “Hickman” Kentucky and that’s where the story about the washing machine in the late 80’s came from. They all thought it was a spaceship and never saw one before and were so mesmerized by it but nobody could afford it –it was just a simple washing machine. I guess I never knew all the rich history or forgot some of it but there was a lot just not known because back in those days they didn’t have record keeping like they do today.

My grandmother’s mother was in a “Dry” county too with her shack and you had to go to the next county to get booze. My grandmother gave my brother the house once before she was real sick and out of her head. My damn stupid brother sold it to the county sheriff for taxes. It wasn’t like a mansion mind you but it was a piece of unique history and it was not that much owed. Shit, I could’ve taken Caitlin out there and we could’ve had a road trip to that place and stayed there awhile –I bet her parents would’ve loved it and took both of us because poor Caitlin needed to know her history and I think they were trying to teach her some of it when they made her sit in the truck and just look as they drove out there with a camper to visit someone –that is just what people who have roots there too –you never forget your people especially when they’ve had to be stuck in Kentucky. It’s hard as hell to get out the that hell hole the way it is –long story but it has revolves around coal mining.

I did a few songs for Caitlin about all my feelings and who I was and I am not sure it meant much to her or if she cared. I ended up sort of getting on an deep old country bent with her with music. I learned to play “You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive” – the Patty Loveless version for her as well as a Johnny Cash song I discovered and Chris Stapleton to start with. I really wanted to someday try to teach her to play guitar and sing and also teach the computer stuff I do like with graphics, video and graphic design and all. I just felt a certain need to do this for that girl and it would’ve been a good way to bond while we did it too and for her learn something that might’ve kept her more at peace and given her more direction inside. She was so empty in a way but so sweet and trying so hard but she needed something more.

She wasn’t real educated and the poor girl I didn’t really know at the deli during this who shit going on before it got real bad –had to explain to Caitlin what certain words meant that I used. It was so funny, that girl, I always wondered about her too because she aways just came and did her job and didn’t fuck with anybody but I think she kind of liked me the way she did that thing for Caitlin and I was there as she did it. It was so weird. I wasn’t offended or anything but I just didn’t know how she felt so I never flirted with her. She was very nice though and educated too. She disappeared each year for college but this time she disappeared along with Kim right as this shit started heating up with the harassment.

Caitlin would go outside when I was there by the side door for employees to use to take out trash and shit and just stand there sometimes early on and just get into this zone and she did that so I would see her. Then one time I drove up to her on the way out to talk to her before I left as she sat smoking and playing with the phone and she seemed so oddly just carefree and out of her zone and just blew me off an I went on my way. It was just weird because usually she’d either be in a zone or she would happily be talking to me. This time she was like just not listening at all on purpose.

Maybe she was on the phone app. She used to use snap chat she said so I knew she was really young and behind because that used to be notorious for the teens and now nobody uses it much. She told me she liked to watch the videos on there but wasn’t on TikTok like I am. She wouldn’t give me her user name on Facebook and said she never sued it too and well there were these little oddities that started to seem a little out of place. On the one hand she was so sweet and sort of sad and a poor lonely girl but on the other she was this carefree almost calculated girl and hiding something too but then she’d break down and cry and I know that was real. She would do that “startled look” a lot like she was “caught” with me a few times too so I do wonder if she wasn’t a setup the entire time both times she worked there solely for the purpose of dragging me into some scheme these assholes with Henrico Mental Health had cooked up.

I didn’t doubt Kim or the other girls so much like that because they were real with me and straight except of course they were dragged in later along the way somehow and it was not willingly. With Caitlin it seemed almost like she was being directed to do things. I never said shit, I just let her be herself and see what she would do and just observe too. I was going to follow her once but decided against it because it was just to creepy and I figured if she is a fake, then so be it, I will just stand back which I kind of did anyway later on.

When Caitlin saw my pussy that was one of those moments where it was like so funny but so weird because she did get caught and she knew it and I knew something was odd then. She knew I dressed as girl all the time and so why was it so important to see my fake pussy popping like I used to do and still do because I love it. I left it alone but it kind of hurt in a way. I just sort of fished with her after that to see what she’d do to confirm one way or another if shit was straight with her and I kept running into the same vibe that something was nefarious and not true about her.

I wished I had just asked the random girl out I met downtown during one my Fan walks while all this shit was brewing. She was pretty real as far as I know it, a little older and pretty as shit and she had this dog and was practically asking me to ask her out. I was about to do it but I didn’t want to be playing the field with this shit unresolved with Caitlin.

That girl I met would’ve gone out with me and we probably would’ve had a good time. She had an apartment right down there and a job and wasn’t just a college student and she didn’t care about my girl side –in fact I met her when she was behind me walking the dog and she was smiling and we came side by side at the cross walk and started just talking. She was pretty nice and intelligent and just a good looking girl and I know we could’ve gone out and probably been dating. I swear in the future if I am ever in some helix like that shit with the Wawa girls turned into, that’s what I am going to do –just step away and if I meet some girl like this girl I met I am just going to go for it. She really was a knockout and not pretentious at all. I liked her. Maybe then those assholes harassing me would’ve had a check and couldn’t have played me or those other Wawa girls like they did ultimately do, whatever the details really where.

I miss Caitlin in a way now but I am not sure if I should or if she was even real at this point. I mean it just seemed like from the git go something was not quite right and I walked into an ugly setup that turned even uglier. Yet then, there was a human side to Caitlin that was so seemly sweet and real so I really don’t know. The things is, I couldn’t be romantically involved with her I doubt.

I wanted Kim and had not really gotten over Kim being gone. I mean we had a graceful break and she was sweet to me before she left but I still need time to just not do anything romantic or let myself feel romantic. I would’ve rather just had a girl that I could be very close to minus the sexual commitment given my odd and frankly kinky sexual side and dysfunctions too. I didn’t want some girl expecting me to jump her or fuck her to heaven so to speak because I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. My whole sexual functioning was fucked up years ago in 1995 with the first bout with whatever this shit is I got dragged into and that Henrico Mental Health kept going.

Then too, there was just all the shit that happened with Tracey too when I wanted that with her (and we should’ve and could’ve had that if not for her problems.) I was fine just keeping sexual gratifications to myself alone knowing few if any girls would want to be with a “guy girl” that had to role play and all that other crazy shit I have to do to enjoy sex even remotely. Frankly, I like my pussy emulator and the vibrator is so goddamn fun –more than anything else and just role playing fantasies. Girls want some tough guy with a big dick and I ain’t it. I am still a fucking virgin really and that’s embarrassing too. I am not gay though like so many people misjudge me for and never really was.

I’d say I am non—practicing bi-sexual that likes sex and getting off but because of dysfunctions growing up and shit that has happened along the way it’s hard for me to just do missionary style wham bam and thank you mam shit. I will say “Clitoral Scrub” did kind of make me horny as shit in a way and that’s where that name came from because I kind of secretly wished she could teach me how to eat pussy and I think that would be so fun especially along with girl thing I have in me and doing at as a girl in a sort of submissive way with another girl. I seriously doubt there are many girls out like that and that Kim would be that way and certainly not Caitlin. Caitlin was all sort of a stacked up four wheel drive F-150 growling diesel mudbogging Bass Pro or Econoline kind of big dick fucking guy if she was anything. But the way she was, it was like she was so hurt by someone sexually, I don’t think she was interested in that all really at the time. She just always got weird with me about that like I was going to jump her and I never even remotely thought of her that way. I was too embarrassed to even remotely fantasize about Kim sexually and I really liked her a lot and wanted to be with her.

God help me, Clitoral Scrub scared the fuck out me in that sense because somehow I think she was the kind of playful girl that would love to fuck and teach and just have fun (given you respected her and didn’t fuck her over or whatever.) I have no idea how Kim was sexually. She’s probably been around but she didn’t strike me as someone that all that into kinky shit or playing the field but I bet she wanted to fuck too given that giddiness she used to hide.

I have to laugh she’d kill me for writing that but I loved her to death in away and loved that giddy side she had and kept hidden like that time she did that stunt with the ribbons and bows that I have a photo of. She was so damn cute. But it just seemed so weird to think about such things because I did care about her and wanted to respect her and be something and if we had sex I wanted her to be able to enjoy it and yet I Knew nothing about sex like she probably does so it always made me a little ambivalent.

Kim would probably be laughing about how bad I was if we had ever done it and if she knew I was still technically a virgin, she’d probably lose interest so fast after her girlfriends found out and they talked. It just sucks (no pun intended) the shit I missed out on not learning how to share sex and have sex long ago because of all the emotional abuse in my life and then some sexual abuse and all the shit I’ve gone through along the way. I am happiest sort of living as a girl but not really a girl and well I to use fantasy and staging and vibrators and my fake pussy and shit. I doubt any of these girls especially Kim would find that very amusing or tolerable.

Damn, it is sad in a way. I mean all these years, I probably could’ve been in a relationship with Kim if it were not for these things and we’d make it somehow and maybe we’d marry each other. I really think we probably would’ve in a different context if life was different and I was closer to her age and all. We just danced around it all the time and it was more me than her really. She’d get so frustrated with me and I knew why but I didn’t know how to do anything better. We couldn’t talk in that work context and I already bombed asking her years before so it was too hard to go ask for her number and worry her again knowing all this shit about myself. Kim became so dainty and just so beautiful in these little ways I never told her about much like the way I saw her being such a good mother someday if she had kids and almost wanting a little girl with her somehow after I saw those two little girls and other little girls when I started hanging out at the coffeeshop and somehow ended up old and thinking about life and family and what I never had and missed out on. Kim was always the go to girl I thought about the most at that point.

I would’ve loved at to at least gone out with Kim like to that arts in the fan thing and we could’ve did some photos and videos together and captured those little girls I got on tape for my British friend. It was so cute, they were just having fun like kids do but you could she their upbringing shining and I had nobody to share the small little wonder and joy I saw and felt that moment having been able to do that. We could’ve closed the evening going the art museum and catching dinner at one of the local places around there too and made a long night of it and come home to her place and I could’ve kissed her good night and went to my shack happy.

I’d bring here but this place is such a terrible edifice of so much demise and is a mess. However, it would’ve been nice to at least cuddle next to her and sleep maybe and fix her breakfast in the morning. I know it sounds dripping romantic but she just made me feel so much and I would’ve loved doing it because I like to cook and all anyway and it would’ve been so sweet to do it for her whether we did anything else or not. I don’t know to this day why Kim happened to be the girl in the end of this little helix in the last several years starting with Hannah –that ended up being the girl I wanted the most and liked the most.

I hardly knew much about Kim but I did know more and we did talk at least. She was real and I didn’t have to doubt myself with her at all. I knew she cared and had feelings of some sort for me though she didn’t realize how old I was at first and got upset (I found out through just pure chance observance once there right after that.) We talked about that by accident and things were ok but then she started getting frustrated a lot with me I think but I didn’t want to ask her out again because I feared she’d blow up and we’d be back at square one.

I kind of kept a distance from Kim too because I knew myself and how weird I am and I didn’t want to disappoint her or drag into my sorry ass life. I don’t know. She just kept growing on me though. All those other girls I chased were gone for one reason or another and Kim was the only girl that really seemed to be right for me in a way because she was just different about things in a lot of ways that most girls her age or other girls I chased in the past in my lame attempts to break my isolated poor social cycle and habits.

Kim was intelligent and worked hard but wasn’t a bitch either or a game player and was honest and while she did get mad and frustrated sometimes I knew it wasn’t just because of me not knowing how to communicate or being afraid or whatever from lack of experience and all. I really admired the things I would see in her when she didn’t know I was looking and listening. She was passionate and she had that giddy side I adored too and was very sociable too and I figured she could find any man given the way she was.

Kim was a nice looking girl thought not like some queen or princess but that’s what I liked. She was a girl next door you could love and get to know and be with and be comfortable with and she knew how to be cute too when she wanted to. I just saw her at work so I never got a chance to see her outside that context. I often wonder what she would wear outside of work. I always wondered where she hung out because I wanted to sort of accidently show up like she did with that damn Jimmie John’s obsession she has. It’s so funny.

I would just never run into Kim anywhere else. It was weird, it was almost like maybe it wasn’t meant to be because of that. Usually, when it’s really meant to be with girls in the past, you always seem to run into them somewhere all the time at the oddest of moments and places. It was like that in college with the girl liked named Susannah. I never even ran into her at VCU when I was down there and she wasn’t working. She had lots of girlfriends it seemed so she must’ve had some common places she would hang out. I just didn’t know where or what they were and didn’t want to get too nosy because I didn’t want to tip her off.

I told Kim I hung out at the Starbucks sometimes but then she serves coffee all day so I knew she probably would not want to be hanging in a place like she works at. I saw her once right as I came from the gay thrift I used to frequent and she had this cute little bag that was so telling about her. She was adorable and god I wanted to go wherever she was going and go shopping. I always thought of her at the thrift when I would go wander around looking and buying good cheap stuff. I did look into her truck one time and it was so funny, I almost felt guilty but I was profiling her lot of laughs. It was so southwestern flavored and she even had this little trinket dangling like Tracey did from the mirror. Oh boy, I would’ve loved to teased her about it and do stuff with it like I used to with Tracey when she’d pick me up and we’d go out when I didn’t have a car. I just couldn’t quite figure if Kim had given up on me or even really wanted me the way I wanted her. I don’t know still.

Caitlin on the other hand was so just wrapped up and would hide her body and I knew why but one time she did come out and walk past my truck and was waving at me with a sub in her hand at lunch time when I happened to be there randomly and it was odd. I had the dash cam rolling and so I have a photo of her. She was all happy and totally unlike she would be some other times. This was before the DVD thing though. I looked at the photo recently and noticed that she had no tattoos on her right arm as she waved which was close to the camera. It was weird be cause I knew she had all these tattoos so I sometimes wonder if that was even her at all but then she did get in the same truck her mother had. Maybe it was her fucking mother for all I know and she got sucked into this and put Caitlin up to it. Who the fuck knows.

I can’t be sure the girl I have in that photo was Caitlin because the other photo of her I have, she’s all wrapped up and seemingly a little shorter and looks just different. This other girl, if it was Caitlin, had reddish hair like Kim but it was shorter and an average woman’s body, proportionate breasts, not bad looking. I wonder if those assholes harassing me did a double take again there like they tried to do with the c-scrub replacement girl and the girl down at the Starbucks and I just didn’t think about it or notice until later. Naturally, I felt what I did thinking it was someone I thought it was who was not really that person. I hope this isn’t true but shit was so crazy that these people did to harass me and try to drive me crazy and create this false reality did some really crazy shit and it got crazier and crazier along the way.

I could barely keep up with the crazy shit going on but I kept up with most of it and remember it all and even in real time I knew most of it but the switching of girls I always missed because I didn’t know these people well and usually would only see them a lot from a distance or was in a rush doing whatever and so it was easy to pull off but then with Wawa it didn’t work so well because I did know Kim and her sister and had more time to study things unlike I did those times they did that once at the Starbucks in the Fan that I wrote about earlier in some other entry. They got me with c-scrub though. I missed that one completely and it was embarrassing because I did a podcast for the girl thinking it was something wrong that it wasn’t. This is when stuff was just starting to come more clear and more crazier by the second but not so much where I was not able to do my usual routines. It all happened so fast too.

Whoever was behind the actual planning of this harassment scheme facilitate by Henrico Mental Health just tried to mimic me and create these things they knew I would be affected by in certain ways and how I handled certain things I didn’t want to directly address just yet. That’s how that podcast happened. I used social media to kind of put shit out there to see if it came back a lot and if I could find anything out later. That was the purpose of that podcast.

I was going on very little with the podcast but my good instincts about people and they just continuously exploited all of that and nobody could react any differently than I did because it moved so fast and was so convoluted. The only way to do it would’ve been to directly address the person question and well, how the hell was I going to do that if I didn’t know them and they didn’t talk to me? It is a form of trial ballooning they do in politics. I know it’s kind of ridiculous but this shit was some serious shit and I didn’t want to embarrass the girl or put her on the spot but I did give a shit and care and they exploited that fact. I really thought the girl in question was c-scrub and I wanted to try to help her if I could or at least get her to talk to me but it was a completely different girl mimicking what c-scrub had done.

I think this shit began around Halloween when these girls got sucked into this shit with me. That’s when I had gone up to see if c-scrub was working because sometimes she did on the weekends if you hit the place the right time. I kind of had a general idea of when those girls would be working if they worked that day. Kim would sometimes work the morning and evening but usually the mornings before she left. She worked evenings a lot during the COVID thing so I’d see her a lot and stop by to see her when I went to Starbucks on the way home sometimes if I saw her truck there just to see her and hopefully talk to her. I knew nobody at Starbucks at that time because all the ones I liked there were gone by then. I just used the place to get out a little and write and relax because nobody would come inside anymore and everybody just used the drive through. I hated it but it’s still that way and getting that way down in the Fan too.

Caitlin just never came around the Fan as far as I knew because I told purposely once that I hung out there hoping she would come there sometime and we could talk when she was off and not working. She never would come by the Starbucks by the Wawa either. She was just not that kind of girl. She was sort of blue collar and in with a kind of redneck crowd I think and it was sad because she was not a redneck herself but that’s all she seemed to have around her and probably felt so small she didn’t deserve to go to town was my impression. She didn’t want to go to university area because she probably though she was dumb or would look like white trash. It was so sad. I mean she really should’ve somehow gotten into going to college in something of interest and worked too if she wanted and at least had some more exposure to a different lot of people. I think whoever she was hanging around, they were kind pulling her into a bad kind of lifestyle habit and way of thinking too. She kind of once came out and as much as told me that but didn’t once as I recall.

Caitlin worked herself to death she told me because Wawa wanted her to do it and then she’d just sleep all the time when she was off mostly or when she got home. It was so sad. It was obvious she was suffering depression, a deep depression. She told me about her little pajama’s and I wanted to buy her some Yosemite Sam ones I think they are called. I wanted to ask her size but never got a chance too and wanted to sort of surprise her with some. I was going to leave them on the coffee counter and just leave after a visit and come home so I wouldn’t be outside and leave a card with it for her maybe with a little candy or something or do a little gift bag.

I just wanted the girl to stop doubting herself and me and know I did give a shit and wanted to be her friend and share something in life with her that way if we could. Then it just went to hell not long after all that. She was so happy the time she was gone for two weeks and I had asked her where she was because I was just curious and she told me the Kentucky vacation story. She really was so happy that somebody cared and was genuine. That’s why it’s so hard to figure out the deal with her now. In one way she seemed so not real but then she was real and then there were these almost calculated on cue thing she’d do that were aimed at me in particular it seemed.

I never once thought she was setting me up or trying to do me dirty but now I wonder if she didn’t really just come there for that purpose unwittingly and that’s why all that shit that happened was so weird when it started falling apart and the harassment was not only aimed at me but also at her somehow where these people were using her to exploit me and exploiting her in the process.

My gut tells me Caitilin is innocent and honest and cares and is real and didn’t know what this was going to become whatever happened and usually my gut hasn’t been wrong though sometimes it raises questions and I always question even my gut instincts the way I’ve had to go through live and with mistakes I’ve made in the past. I don’t have much experience with girls either except for Tracey and god help me I never thought I’d lose Tracey and that she’d be so nasty and bitter, hateful and vindictive to this day now ever since. I regret ever getting involved with Tracey and letting her use me like she did and she really does hate me and holds an eternal grudge I don’t deserve.

Funny thing is with Tracey, she’s not happy and I know it. She made bad choices and doesn’t want to fess up to the fact I am right and was right during all of that shit with us. That’s another story, I don’t want to ever see her again. She’s worthless to me now because of what she did and the choice she made in the end to blame me for her own mistakes when I tried my best to make up for those I knew about and never abused her at all knowingly and if I did and knew about it, I would go out of my way to make things as right as I could. She’s just so full of anger, bitterness and shit towards me. Why should I care anymore. That was a mistake on my part. She was my age, these other girls are more than half my age and got more sense and respect than she had. That’s very telling for a woman who now 60 years old.

Needless to say Caitlin just really needed someone in her life to bring out some good in her that she didn’t have and inspire her because I know she’s never going to be happy being a store manager hanging around the environment she was in back then. I mean Wawa was or used to be a decent company and they ran a tight ship so how this ever happened on their property and they had anything to do with this is beyond me. But the point is Caitlin is young and has plenty of years to build a good life for herself if she just was in the right environment and around the right people. I doubt she is now. I really do feel for her and care about her but it’s not like I want to marry her or she inspires that kind of thing like Kim does in me.

Caitlin is so sensitive too and I think she thought I didn’t give a shit because I felt different about Kim and well she just wouldn’t seem to realize back then, I am old and I can’t have that with Kim either as much as I wished I could. Kim is also young, but older and she’s intelligent and has a whole life ahead of her and will be 40 year old when I am probably did if I don’t die sooner.

The reality is that it would be a heavy weight for her to invest in me and I wouldn’t want her to in a way though a part of me needs someone like her but the costs of that down the line is delicate and it’s expensive. I came to this realization long before I met Caitlin. If me and Kim did have anything I would still want Caitlin to be a part of that as a friend just as anybody else has their own friends. I wouldn’t be cheating on Kim though and if she had a problem with that, I would end it but you know that shit gets easier said than done in the heat of a love orient relationship like I think Caitlin thought I had or wanted. I did kind of want it but I am not sure I could do it or that Kim would want that or that she could tolerate those realities of age either and so it’s just one of those undiscussed things with us.

How the hell could we discuss it in the context of work at Wawa anyway. Kim would never go out with me and damn if I dropped the conversation into that area she’d probably be as scared as I am and ditch me and run for the border because it was too serious and deep and well it kind of is especially for two people who hardly know each other. However, I did like all of those girls and I need to heal from my past and fill that lost time I had the voids it created somehow so yes, I did like to talk and have some kind of social relationship that could work if I they were ok with it and well I don’t know if they ever were so I never pushed it much. I just tried to accept the little things I could have that touched me and admire from afar if I had to and be at peace.

How this whole thing with Caitlin got to be a jealousy thing I am not sure. I hope it didn’t get that way with the other girls there I liked. I am no prize by any means and certainly not this big Casanova but I like cute youngish girls or shall I say women because I missed all that when I was their age and don’t relate well with older women and am not attracted to a lot of these older women either. It’s so funny, in college I was always hanging with the older crowd my age then —women and a few guys that they had in their life and one of my own where we sort of had a mutually understood transient relationship.

That was Debbie and she sort of taught me something about sex –that I’d liked to fuck and liked girls and was not gay like sometimes I had thought I might be at one time. God I only got it in her for like ten seconds hard and it was incredible but I was so hung up and emotional I couldn’t follow threw even though we slept together that night and she kept trying and later told me once it was fine by her. Even she thought I was gay (lot of laughs) and I wasn’t really –just not quite anything yet.

It was sort of funny, I never got a chance to fuck a girl or eat a girl or anything because shortly after that this whole conspiracy to harass me began three months after graduation a year later and they fucked up my sexual functioning somehow and nothing worked for ten year and now it’s barely there and hard to get off and I only get a dribble (not to be gross) but it was hell having to live with that. It finally came back a little and works a little but not like very well. But I used to be a horny bastard and loved sex and still do in a way. I just can’t perform well and then I finally unrepressed the girl in me and now I’ve tried a little girl stuff like vibrators with my pussy emulator and oh god that is so fucking fun I can’t stand it lot of laughs.

I can go on for hours it seems and I bought this huge ridiculous Chink dick to use to do the girl fantasy thing and that could be used with a girl too and a girl would love that goddam thing and well it helps a little with me cause I can have fun playing little suckity suck daddy’s girl for a bit until it gets old and tiresome and sometimes along with the vibratory device it can be such a blast getting off like a girl even though it’s so nasty in a way afterwards thinking about doing that for real (which I would never do –suck a dick –at least I highly doubt I would. –Men are nasty generally speaking I feel like.)

I dress up and pretend to be the cheer chic or the gymnastics chic and all that shit and it’s so sick but funny and ridiculous but damn it’s fun if you can tune all that negative out and take it for what it is –just a silly sexual foreplay to help with sex and getting off. I doubt there is any girl in the world that would want to participate in crazy shit like this. I always fantasize about being this girl and having the girls make me be girl and submissive and learn how to be the girl and suck a dick –that’s the funniest one if not too embarrassing like it is and nasty it is in a way.

This particular China dick has a tube too on it that holds water or fake cum so you can use that too if you really want to get a good laugh and have fun but jesus, you really have be in a certain mood to do this shit. Lately, it’s so bad I can’t do it much. It seems so sick and perverse but before the harassment I was doing it and had so much fun most of the time but it was a little embarrassing too at times just not as bad as now. It helped me get over a lot of sexual dysfunction both physically and emotionally too.

But, after all the sexualization that went on during the harassment of me, it’s not quite the same. I am very disturbed a lot of times by it and feel like I’ll never have a girlfriend like this and so I avoid girls now and don’t flirt much at all and if they flirt with me –I just kind of ignore it. It was nice tonight that girl actually did talk to me and say something sweet and gave me a little hope even though she was so young. I mean she liked me and it just was nice to know maybe there is hope to recoup some of what I lost in all of this someday before I am too old or die. Those assholes just sexualized me so much and people I cared about like Kim and Caitlin (little does she know) and it was just awful. I have flashbacks sometimes as I try to please myself now and I had been healing from all that before this shit happened and so I am real bitter about it because it’s like I have to start healing that all over again too. I try to imagine sex with girls I like but I always feel like I am violating them or abusing them or am some pervert and this shit I did before this harassment helped get past a lot of that so maybe someday if I was with the right girl we could share a sexual relationship that was healthy somehow despite being kinky at times. Now it’s all gone it seems and like it used to be long before any of this for decades since my brother abused me once or twice sexually.

I tried to visualize Kim too like just tonight that way because of what these assholes had done and how I really feel about her to just see out of curiosity if I could tolerate it and I did for a bit but lost it because of the kinky shit I was doing which really wasn’t all that kinky but knowing Kim as I did, she would be offended so I felt bad and had to stop. I just had my little skirt on I went out in and outfit and just used the vibrator and imagined her doing that to me with her ribbons and bows like in that photos I have of her and it was getting fun and tender and to me and I was enjoying it along her making me do girly shit and all –then imagining using that on her and eating her and well I had to stop –it just didn’t seem right given all that happened.

I never once thought of Caitlin in a sexual way like any of this shit I just wrote and never had the idea come over me to try it. In fact I doubt I could even do it now or ever knowing what I sort of knew about her and thinking of her the way I did. Somebody must’ve abused her sexually somewhere in her life that led to that baby she had. You could just see so many tell tale signs of that like the outburst of crying and the thing about dick picks and so forth. I liked her a lot though and wanted to at least be able to hug her someday but I am terrible with affection too because I never had that in my life growing up either.

I will say when things were good with me and Tracey, she did hug me all the time and it felt so good holding her and dancing close a few times we did that. She had been abused herself and we had talked about that but she was never ready to deal with whatever happened but it was obviously tearing her apart. It came out when I wanted to ask her to touch me and rub my back and maybe later initiate sex and she broke down into a child and just cried after I was really enjoying her rubbing my back for a second. I took her to my room and asked her if she would come and sit and we could talk and if I could touch her legs and rub her legs and feet which she let me do as she cried and I just listened. It was so weird.

The next morning it was like all that me and Tracey shared the night before never happened though and I don’t want to get into that thing again but it was what led to our first major disaster break and later to the 2005 crash where I almost got murdered by the local police SWAT TEAM because of lies and bullshit with Henrico Mental Health when they facilitated abuse and harassment of me back the. We recovered later for a little while but it never was the same and finally it turned to the shit is today. I certainly didn’t want a repeat of that kind of shit with Caitlin because Caitlin was in many earie ways like Tracey. The parallels were sometimes uncanny so I had to be careful and keep a certain eye on things with Caitlin. I didn’t want to get too close because of that but we could’ve gone out to eat or hung out taking photos at the river or something I think if she had let me take her.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Caitlin like it sounds though. I mean I did in a way but I just have been through life long enough to know that the best intentions can turn into the worst nightmares no matter what you do are both of you do in a relationship. Look at what happened to me and Tracey. She never used to be the person she quickly became because she would choose the worst of men to get involved with and I wouldn’t leave her and would always come to clean up the emotional mess for her. I was her defacto boyfriend without the benefits and that was my mistake. I should’ve left her the first time she fucked up with me like that and just made it quiet and just distanced myself and let it die for my own good. I probably should’ve never let her back into my life right before her divorce which I had to tell her to get and walked her through because I did care about her and her husband.

Her husband was not bad but she created a situation where they abused each other and it wasn’t working. I had gone to her wedding in 1995 I think before the crash I had. He was a country boy green behind the ears himself. He always thought I was going to cheat with her so I made a point to stand up for him with her and talked to him sometimes about shit just between us so he finally realized I wasn’t the problem.

It was all sad, the whole thing with Tracey’s marriage –8 years with no sex I might add, but she is still friends with him, she hates me like shit and I still don’t know why she blames me because it’s her own fault what she walked herself into afterward and after our last break when I wrote her a letter and was direct about shit with her after she got progressively shitty with me when I needed her to be my friend and to be there for me after all the times I had been there for her.

So many times Tracey was not there for me when she should’ve been and this last time I finally just laid it on the table we didn’t speak for six years and she even tried to sue me with this bogus lawsuit some asshole put her up to which I got rid of quickly. It was the principle of it though.

Tracey went out of her way to sabotage me and I know it was someone in the wings getting her head just by the shit had said before I told her politely and directly off with that letter. I sure as hell didn’t want to get in a trap with Caitlin like that. That was the last thing I needed again in my life. While sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, you are supposed to consummate your marriage and have sex sometimes and that’s why people get married in the first place –the commitment and she could never make it that way or a lot of other ways.

I don’t give a fuck what Tracey does now or how she feels because she never gave a fuck about how I did and fucked me over so many times and made a conscious choice to do it and then try to use me and have her cake and eat it too with other people. It was just too much finally. I am not sure why I ever put up with as long as I did –like what over ten years or more. We only shared a good relationship when I was her only friend for two or three years during her divorce and shortly afterwards.

Tracey was so different and she was good person gone bad later. It’s so sad. I am sorry though, I have to be honest she’s just a worthless usurious and deceitful vindictive selfish hateful person now. She made that choice not me. I think other people have found her out now and that’s why she’s so unhappy, she’s old and can’t get away with that shit anymore and all those old guys she fucked around with who used her too, they’re either dead or in a nursing home and word is common knowledge on the street about her too so to speak. She deserves what bed she made for herself. I don’t hate her though, I just resent some of the shit she did to me and says and tried to do behind my back. I think she’s finally getting her karma for all those games she was playing.

Needless to say I guess I broke my own rule that I stated when I first started writing this entry when I said I wasn’t going to write all night or shall I say morning about this whole Wawa thing and other things here I am having done it again. God, it’s just so much information and so many details and you start writing it out and you can’t help but want to document everything with as much detail as possible because this may never come out in my own words until I am long since dead the way this harassment scheme is. That’s why I run with it sometimes and it ends up like this. I write in stream conscious format a lot of times too so if I digress like I have in some places in this entry that’s the reason why. It would be easier to just talk about it with a person you could trust and record it but that’s hard to do alone and I do like to write and think it is better in a way on paper too.

It proves one thing for sure, I am not crazy and was not crazy back then when this shit happened. It was real and it was not my imagination or some grandiose delusion from a schizoaffective or schizophrenic person or psychotic person like Henrico Mental Health keeps trying to cover my health records with and built a history of erroneously to cover up their dirty little involvement in this bullshit and their facilitation of some very ugly harassment that was both illegal and immoral and atrocious as much as it was an ongoing lie and crime in and of itself. I will never know who they got in bed with but they got in bed with some dark people underground doing some nasty dark dirty shit.

Henrico Mental Health got real sloppy this last time and know they did too and I am going to turn up the heat on all of this finally somehow. I will not suffer this anymore being left silent like I have so far because I couldn’t fight back for one reason or another. I got them where I want them rolling the tape like I have for 28 years on all of this shit.

Henrico Mental Health has built their own history and pattern of organized illegal harassment and human rights as well as civil rights violations and violations both state and federal laws going all the way back to 1995 –that’s what they did. That’s what Henrico Mental Health also did for themselves not taking my advice not to get political with me like I told them after that nut house fiasco at Henrico Doctor’s before it got really even worse. Now they’re going to see what I Know and regret it. Now they are going regret trying to shut me up and think I am stupid and this mental health shit will cover it all up. I am going straight for the aorta of all of this so to speak. The police are going to get fucked too for their part in it. Some asses are going to be frying like a black fish fry when I am done with these assholes in this county.

That said, I guess this entry goes for Caitlin since I wrote so much for Kim the other night but It’s kind of disjointed because so much more was involved and it was more convoluted with her and how she ever got dragged into this I will never know or why she would unwittingly ever get involved knowing in this I don’t know but I think she did in a way and got fucked and didn’t fully realize what she was walking into and doing. I hope she’s ok and not a basket case or in a mental facility because if she is they’re really fuck her life up in there. She was not crazy but all this abuse they had going definitely took a toll on her emotionally and I saw it first hand the last time I saw her. She was so disassociated and just gone and couldn’t even speak. It was like she became this robot and didn’t realize what the fuck she was doing. I will never forget it. It makes me so bitter they did this shit to her.

It was bad enough fucking Kim in the middle of this but Kim at least knew how to handle things and was smart and while it probably did have a deep impact on her too, she was strong and she could handle this sooner or later an had people in her life that would help her who were like her too and not just mindless rednecks or white trashy people that don’t now how to pour piss out of a boot and who value the wrong things. I don’t why Kim’s sister or whoever that youngest one in the mix got involved either but she may have been used like Caitlin was and then got pulled out by somebody like Kim or Kim’s other sister. They were a little weird in a way but my gut tells me they had nothing that deeply engrained against me especially with this harassment bullshit scheme going on. I doubt they would’ve knowingly or willingly fucked me over. They probably got dragged in separately and then it took a life of it’s own.

I have nothing left of a social circle and life now. It sucks. Henrico Mental Health successfully ruined everything I worked so hard to build for myself after I got liver disease and when I successfully started healing myself on my own after my brother died and I had to handle all that shit associated with that. They broke my six years of sobriety by driving me to drink and now I have to deal with that again which I am but it’s harder now but I want to do it on my own. I don’t want any exchanged co-dependency bullshit going on like they always try to push you into with that shit. That’s how I did it on my own the first time. I just stopped and never looked back other than to reflect on where I had been.

I never thought about drinking until those assholes reduced me to a homeless lifestyle even when I got back home and won the worst of the battle. Its like I don’t give a shit now but I know it could kill me with my liver issues but it’s just going to take time. If it does, it does. They’ll be responsible more than me. They ruined me in 2005 too and two and half years of being smoke free and fine with it but after the abuse and horrible shit I went through then and got out of jail after their lies put me there —I have smoked ever since and that might kill me too because I’ve smoked so long. I had a chance before to heal from it had I not started again.

Yet Henrico Mental Health always talks about “helping” people –a lot of help they did me huh? Those people are lying fucking assholes and bullshit artists and criminals. They should be prosecuted for all this shit and be thrown in jail like they threw me in, for a long time. I’d love to see how long they would last without turning into basket cases like they would deserve and being harassed and beat up and maybe murdered in one those shitholes. They just hated it that they couldn’t shut me up forever by having me go to prison or jail or a state nut house and use their lies and erroneous diagnosis and bullshit records against me to do it.

I beat them again and now they are going to eat shit for all of it before I die if I have my way somehow. They’ll deserve whatever I manage to throw at them and do to them. Whatever and I mean whatever which can be taken to mean exactly like it sounds. I am sick of being a ginny pig and being abused and harassed and having thing always trying to pull some shit and throw dictates at me and dope me to high heave into a fog with drugs I don’t need and will forever refuse to take now.

The science doesn’t even know what these fucking drugs do long term anyway and they sucked so much life out of me. No more. If they ever fuck with me again, or the police facilitate abuse of me again –they’ll get something they don’t like and I will get those assholes sooner or later if I don’t then and there. Tap, tap and boom might be the way they go so they better watch their fucking back. That’s all I can say right now because I am not sure justice will ever be done or handed out until they do get what they really deserve which is the former.

I will be nice and let lawyers handle it but I am not letting it go and if I get fucked or ignored then I will do whatever I need to do someday and get my own justice if it has to be that way. I am sorry if that sounds like it does but after 28 years of abuse and lies and harassment and violations of my legal rights they deserve whatever they get harshly in need be. I am not going to be fucked the rest of my life until I die without having justice served on these bastards for all this shit they’ve gotten away with and done in the past and especially this most recent shit they did. They’re fucking animals and perverts and worthless people to ever participate or sign off on any of this shit, all of them that did deserve nothing but the most brutal of justice served cold. They denied me my due process why should I give a fuck what they say or what I do. Needless to say that’s my feelings after all this shit. I am tired of it.

SEE YA! civil rights, civil rights violations, henrico county government, henrico county mental health, henrico county virginia, human rights abuse, lifestyle, mental health, mental heath support, psycology, self help, survival, wellness, writing

[electrasev5nwrites]

The date, when it came, was a fuckin surprise to Jason. He was minding his own business compiling a report on everything the Two-Facers had done last week (there was a surprising amount of bureaucratic process involved in making yourself judge, jury, and executioner of people who sucked).

And then there was a violently green hole in his wall. "Huh," Jason said, leaning back in his chair. He pulled the handgun out of his desk drawer and cocked it at the portal. "Not sure I care for that."

"Thanks, Wolf," came a warbled and nonsensical reply. Jason turned off the safety.

"What?"

The portal flashed white and closed. He was lifting his arm to point at the man standing in his apartment before he really processed that someone had come through it.

"This is where you live?" The other man was peering around Jason's apartment. He seemed politely interested at best and, Jason felt, much less concerned by the gun than he really should have been. "I heard bats. I thought there would be more bats." He looked at Jason and put his palms up as if he thought this might have been misconstrued as rude. "Not that you need bats! Or that I'm disappointed by the lack of bats. In fact you have uh, wonderful curtains." He very obviously named the first object he saw. He pretended to be fascinated by them. "The red sure is a choice. A great choice! I'm not criticizing your decor."

Jason realized that if he didn't say anything, Danny was going to ramble himself into a corner and slink out of the dimension to escape his obvious embarrassment. "...Your hair looks just like in the picture you drew," Jason said. He put the safety back on. "Hello, Danny." The name tasted odd in his mouth. It was just a little pedestrian for the other man- no, teenager, the other teenager. Danny looked young. No wonder he'd thrown Dick back like the wrong fish. Jason felt a little less smug about having been the one chosen. Maybe he was just the most age appropriate candidate.

Danny turned away from Jason's window and beamed up at him like that was the greatest compliment he could have ever received. "I don't actually have your name!"

God help him, Danny was cute. Jason reached out a hand. "Jason."

Danny looked at his outstretched hand. He blinked. "Are- oh!" He flushed green and his hand shot out to meet Jason's in what was very clearly the first handshake of his life. It was a struggle not to laugh. There was a distraction in that Danny was unique to the touch. It didn't feel like touching a human hand. First off, it was about the temperature as something out of the fridge and it made Jason somehow taste mint. Secondly, it just... it didn't feel like human skin. There was a raised line from a scar, but the texture was as if all the wrinkles and pores of human skin had been polished off.

Jason pulled his hand away before he could wonder if that supernatural smoothness extended elsewhere, even though pretty much the only exposed skin was Danny's hands and face. He flushed a little red anyways. "So you're here to uh, set up a date?" He offered.

Danny blinked at him. "Are you busy now?"

... Jason closed his notebooks, only now concerned that Danny might have seen extremely sensitive information. "Nope," he lied, trying to pin down why something about Danny's freckles was pinging as relevant. Were they fake? Were they a replication of someone else's freckles?

Danny beamed and - he floated up a few inches. Holy hell that was cute. "Great!" He enthused. "Should we go to yours or mine?"

Jason turned violently red. "We are already in my place." His voice came out tight.

It took a few seconds for the penny to drop. "Go out in your city or go to the Ghost zone!" Danny waved his hands frantically. "I'm not being a creep I swear! I mean we are kind of magically engaged but I'm also engaged to-- are those people your friends and family? Oh my GOD I'm-"

"I would love to take you out around town, but you'll stand out," Jason interrupted. He couldn't hold back the smile. "We can make it work, though. Thoughts on hats and glowing less?"

"Oh, that's easy." Danny twitched his hands outward in a motion he probably didn't even know he was doing. There was another flash of white light.

And Danny one was gone. Danny two stood in Jason's apartment with dark hair, jeans and a t-shirt that hid the musculature his jumpsuit had displayed, and a full palette switch of his eyes and skin tone.

"Useful," Jason said, and tugged at his snow-white forelock. "Think you could teach me?"

"No, but doctor Frostbite might be able to sort that out for you," Danny responded absently.

Jason made a face. "Doctor Frostbite seems like the name for a B tier villain with blue hair."

Danny paused. "That's Ember, actually," which made no branding sense because the word ember evoked warm colors. "Lead the way!"

Jason cleared his throat. "I uh, am gonna want to change."

For the first time, Danny really looked him up and down. Jason waited patiently as Danny went through all the stages of grief cataloging that he had walked into Jason's living room when the man had been wearing black boxer briefs and a white sleeveless undershirt.

"I'm going to go drown myself," Danny said, now violently pink. Huh, even blushing got a color change. "Can I borrow your bathroom?"

"Stay alive enough to pick between Korean or Mexican," Jason advised. "I'll be right back. Should I find you a coat? I'm gonna find you a coat," he decided, already on the way to his bedroom. "It's freezing out."

Wrote both parts on the train today, to and from work. I'm starting to get concerned that this is gonna stay on my mind until I write a full fic tbh. I guess if I do I'll put a link here.

Halloween prompts year 2 day 4

Typical "sacrificed to the ghost king" scenario except thier technically being sacrificed to the "endless green of the void" aka the Ghost Zone itself and it just dgaf so when these guys land in Dannys front yard in the gz he sends them home immediately

Just

Batman: *gets sacrificed and thrown into the void*

Batfam: *were too late to stop it* Noooooo!

Batman: returns literally a moment later confused and with a post it note saying "✨ no ✨" complete with hand drawn sparkles ✨ stuck to his forehead.

The bats lose it a little as they finished beating up the bad guys.

Somehow it turns into the bats "sacrificing" themselves to the void just to see what kind of rejection they get.

Nightwing got sent back with a note that said "lol" and nothing else

Black bat got a note saying "No, thank you"

Red Hood got a "Tempting, but no"

Spoiler got a talking Barney the Dinosaur toy but the only sounds it would make were very accurate explosions

Red Robin was sent back with like, 12 flavors of lip balm in black metal tubes. No one recognized what brand they might be from and with a bit of reverse engineering Red discovered there were hidden laser blasters inside of each of them that would be used discretely. He got freaking secret agent gear wtf.

Robin got sent back with a uno reverse card taped to his back and a glowing green bunny with blank red eyes in his arms. He has no idea where the bunny came from but wasn't complaining. It was very fluffy and loved to give him kisses.

For some reason it freaked out both Drake and Todd though.

Phantom was just wondering why so many people were sacrificing themselves to him via the "sacrificial bride" ritual. He wasn't even anyone important so why send them to his territory in the Ghost Zone???

After this happened several more times Danny decided the next time one of the cute superheros his age got sent here he would ask them out on a date. Via ghostly "check yes or no" letter style of course. Thier date will be the first time they meet.