#it can get better

[furiousgoldfish]

Abuse is so over-stimulating for the brain, after you've been thru it long term, small stimulation that would usually change someone's mood or at least peak their interest, just doesn't feel like anything. Your brain keeps inventing extreme things like it wants them to happen and it's just because it's so used to overstimulation that it's now craving it in order to give you bits of relief and engagement.

It's just so damn draining to live like that. Having to keep ignoring that craving and worrying you'll give into it or feeling bad for the craving in the first place. Having weird impulses or fantasies and having to keep quiet so people don't get freaked out. And it's literally because of nothing you did. It's just because the aftermath of abuse is hell on earth.

[linka-r9-vysocina]

So I found this screenshot from some time ago, maybe two or three years, of my own post

and I realised, once again, that I am now really doing so, so much better

[dapperenby13]

I was reading back through my journal a bit today and a little over a year ago I wrote down these words

“I don’t think I was made to be happy”

And I just want to say, to all the people who are feeling the same pain and emptiness I was back then. I love you. It does get better, but you have to take steps to make it that way. And I believe in you to do so.

I had to step outside my comfort zone to get to where I am today. And yeah, I definitely still feel that same echo, and I can get pretty numb. But it’s better than it was.

Go take your own happiness by the throat if you have to, living is a gift and I think we can all make something nice out of it.

[scrumptiousartisanheart]

It's only the first race, it's only the first race! it's ONLY the first race! IT'S ONLY THE FIRST RACE...

(shattering sounds and screams)

[themostleastuseful]

Smile through the tame

Hello again citizens of the unfathomably vast sea of words known as the internet, I am back with another review nobody asked for. This one’s kind of heavy, so reader discretion is advised.

(I tried to be a little less spoilery, not sure how well I did.)

This time, I’m talking about something a little more recent: Smile. While leaps and bounds above the floor-level bar that was I Am The Movie With the Overly Long Name, Smile was ultimately so-so. The premise had promise (heh), but the protagonist Rosie Cotter was unsympathetic and surprisingly stupid for someone with a doctorate in psychology. The plot felt rushed, especially Cotter’s descent into madness. There were some genuinely disturbing scenes, but they don’t feel like quite enough to (spoiler) drive someone to kill themselves in a week. The themes of cyclical trauma felt pretty shallow for a psychological horror, and I left the couch mostly just feeling disappointed.

So Smile is based around a curse or monster (never clarified) that thrives on fear and despair. It hijacks a victim’s senses to produce extremely lifelike hallucinations that often include someone smiling creepily until it breaks their will and forces them to gruesomely kill themselves in front of someone else, who will then go on to suffer the same fate. As a non-psychological horror movie that works perfectly fine. As a psychological horror movie, however, it feels like it way oversimplifies trauma.

 Trauma is complicated, and it changes both the way we view the world and how we interact with others. It manifests in different ways, PTSD and depression being common but not the only possible symptoms. All traumatized people do not commit or attempt suicide, nor are all people traumatized by the same things. In the movie we see a chain of deaths in a linear order, but real suicides hurt a lot more than just one person. They hurt witnesses, yes, but they also hurt loved ones, friends, neighbors, even fellow sufferers of trauma who wonder “If he couldn’t take it, what hope do I have?” It’s not unbeatable, though. Therapy and medication can help, as can just talking to someone. Rosie Cotter doesn’t do any of that despite being a therapist herself, which is a bit infuriating, but I think it holds some hidden potential.

By itself, I think Smile sends a bad message about the hopelessness of mental illness. No matter what, the situation could only end badly. If they were to make a sequel, though, there could be a fix. Have a new protagonist become afflicted with the curse, but instead of denying it for half the movie, have them acknowledge it but try to solve it on their own. When that fails, have them discover that telling people about the hallucinations in detail reduces their severity. They struggle with the idea that they are burdening others with their own private suffering, but eventually realize that being cursed/mentally ill is not their fault. Everyone has burdens to bear, but there are people willing to share the weight if one simply asks. The movie ends with them in a mental hospital still seeing things but refusing to give in and ruin someone else’s life. It will never go away entirely, but with enough hard work, the protagonist may be able to live a somewhat normal life.

[bunnyseahorse-blog]

I was today years old when I...

realized that my anger comes from a nervous place, and not an angry place. I learned in DBT that anger is usually a secondary emotion. People don’t generally feel angry as a primary emotion unless they are ready to fight for their lives, or have truly been wronged. I am angry a lot... and tonight my argument turned into a huge panic attack. Like a full body shaking thing where i almost threw up, and my mom had to come talk me down, and I had to take my emergency meds. I didn’t see it coming, i thought I was mad, and I was, but the anxiety in the mix was a really big surprise.

I know now that I am not an angry person. i am a person who happens to be an incredibly anxious person who uses anger as an ineffective coping skill. 

Something about realizing this was freeing. Now I can work on my anxiety more. maybe that is a more direct way of handling things. Prevent anger instead of shaming myself for it. Maybe this is an angle that I can work more easily

[beebfreeb]

Messaging people for the first time is so hard. What am I supposed to say? Like, "You seem really odd and your blog intrigues me. Do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters?" What! Whatever. I will just follow you back and stare at your blog with my big beautiful brown eyes.

[mythtakens]

“these characters should be mentally healthy before they get together 😌” ummm no I actually think we should smash their mental illnesses together like clumps of play-doh and see what colors it makes

[pine-flames]

Blocking everyone who is doomposting and telling people to give up. You're part of the problem, babe!

[ninjakittycomics]

(I am doing my best to refrain from thinking bout this... self forgiveness is a must)  (and I remember, we’re all just doing our best)

uh oh! you misunderstood a social cue and said something mildly awkward. you will think about this and cringe everyday for the next 20 years

[16th-cornelia-street]

for those that need it. Guy Branum's concession speech

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[hinamie]

mentor

[beepost-generator]

School can be fucking purgatory.

My life is far from perfect and I've got new difficulties to deal with... But I've gained skills, stability, and independence to address them.

"life doesnt get better, you just get stronger" does NOT include ages 11-17. life does in fact just get better from there. those years are dogshit. like, you do get stronger but its mostly just a factor of not being 11-17 anymore. positive thinking helps but it doesnt fix whatevers going on at 15, you have to brute force through that one raw

[chloesimaginationthings]

The Afton kids deserved better in FNAF..

[aloeverawrites]

Listening to this when I get too hopeless about the state of the world-