#it broke my heart because I have no idea how to handle that in therapy

[katebeckets]

I literally had a 10 year old come into therapy and talk to me about how much she worries about school shootings. About how her mom is literally saving up to buy bulletproof backpacks for her and her siblings. And I can’t say anything reassuring because we both know that it would be a lie. We both know the truth. And the truth is it’s completely reasonable for her to worry and makes perfect sense for her family to be buying bulletproof backpacks. It makes me want to fall to my knees.

Because how is this the world we live in. How does this place exist. A place where you can hear a child talk about fearing for their lives when they go to school but NOT be willing to (as they say) give up your precious second amendment rights in exchange for their comfort and safety. And to then have the audacity to say it’s unethical to terminate a pregnancy, that bringing a new life into this world that refuses to protect it is a privilege. A gift.

I truly cannot comprehend how there are people who believe this wholeheartedly.

[whirlwindimagines]

I wanna give vash a comforting head pats and some loving head scritches, tell him he has been working hard and needs to rest sometimes, the world not going anywhere, he can rest. May I request a scenario of vash sad he didn’t save everyone again and is sad, so reader hesitately reaches up to his head before deciding to give him a head pat, telling him he did his best with the circumstances he had, it’s not his fault for being unable to save absolutely everyone, and all that matters is he saved at least someone, and that’s enough? Plz and thanks

Okay but same ;p; Like let me hold Vash and tell him everything is gonna be okay! Studio orange let Vash be happy challenge, please. I’m a little sad, so lol this reflects that for sure This definitely got out of hand and turned into something else 

Lol you can tell I wrote this after my therapy session.

‘I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror’

Vash x Reader

You wonder how Vash can continue like this, the gunfight had been as usual destructive and deadly. Neither of you made out of it unscathed and the town had suffered as well, it broke your heart how much Vash tried to make things right. How he didn't want to hurt anyone or let anyone get hurt, but you can't save anyone and especially not alone. 

Vash had gone off on his own, he checked you for injuries and was distressed to find one. You brushed him off, saying you were fine and that you would take care of it and now you have no idea where he went. He wouldn't leave you here by yourself, you weren't worried about that. But you were worried about him. 

Briefly, you wondered how Vash would handle this, but you knew it would be fake smiles and white lies, he must be tired you were tired of it. The suns were setting now, casting the desert in a purplish red light. You sigh standing and brushing the sand from yourself, you’ve done all you can to help the people here and they didn't want any more help from Vash the Stampede. 

Wandering around the town you found Vash with the Thomas, he’s petting it gently Vash was much better with the creature than you were. You join his side quietly and he greets you with a small wave and a light smile. You try to greet him with one of your own but you can’t you are tired of the fakeness God you want Vash to express some emotion, sadness hell you’d take anger something. 

“Are you okay?” you don't know why you ask; you could repeat his response word for word I’m fine are you okay?

“I’m fine are you okay?” his response pisses you off, you knew the words were coming but you were sick of it. You clench your fist at your sides, wanting to get angry, but you know that’s not what Vash needs right now. You can be angry on his behalf later; he stares at you confused as you deflate. 

“No Vash I'm not okay.” he looks startled, his hands hovering over your body unsure if he should touch you, wishing he would, you step closer to the blonde as he speaks, “Where are you hurt?” shaking your head, he only looks confused you don't know how to express your hurt to Vash. Because it’s not your physical pain that’s hurting you right now, it’s his hurt you care about. You want to cry for him, to scream out and curse the world, because you know he never will, and that’s what hurts. 

Taking a step closer your bodies are nearly touching, you reach a hand up and place it gently on his head. “You did your best, you know that right?” you ask and you can hear the stuttering breath he takes in, he looks directly into your eyes and you can see his begin to water. You smile kindly at him, patting his head gently before running your fingers through his hair so your hand is resting on the nape of his neck. 

He may not want to hear this, but you know he needs to. “Not everyone can be saved, and that is not your fault. God Vash, you do your best every day, and if no one else sees that I do, I see you. We will get through today.” You pull him in closer, gently resting your forehead against his, you can feel him tremble as the tears slowly drip down his face. You hold him to you lightly, giving him a chance to pull away if needed. You don’t want him to, but you know you can only push Vash so much.

He doesn’t pull away instead he raises his hands and cups your face, holding you there so you can't pull away. You startle a bit when you feel his thumbs wipe your own tears, you didn't even realize you had been crying yourself. “It’s just….” You don’t say anything while Vash struggles with what he has to say. You’re hoping he’ll be honest, and not bottle up all the pain.

“I don’t know how to move forward” the words are whispered against your lips, as if he’s afraid to admit it out into the open. you close your eyes, and your heart breaks. Vash moves back, you think he’ll pull away completely but he doesn’t instead he places a kiss on your forehead, and it makes your heart skip a beat. 

Vash pulls you into a hug then, his arms going around your shoulders while yours wrap around his waist, he cries softly and you let him holding on to him tight for as long as he needs. Your hands rub his back under his red coat, “I know, but you are not alone I'm right here and I’ll be right here as long as you need me. Let me help you anyway you need.” you answer trying not to choke on your words, putting as much emotion as you can into your words. 

He sobs, gripping you painfully tight but you don't mind, letting him take all the comfort he can get and asking for nothing in return. His hands shift down your back squeezing again, the action jostles your wound and you let out a pained cry because of it. Vash lets go instantly stepping back. You're shocked by the sudden coldness, your hands hanging limply at your side. He’s looking at you wide eye, “I'm sorry.” he chokes out, he looks like he's going to run you can't let him. 

You move forward quickly, he sees you coming and steps back right into the Thomas the pack animal moves forward startled it causes Vash to lose balance, injury, and boundaries be damned you grab him by his jacket and surge forward he falls straight onto his back and you let the momentum take you with. 

He lands on his back hard, and you land right on top of him straddling his waist you still have a hold of his jacket, “Stop! Don't you dare run away.” you say it a little frantically, “I'm okay really just… stop.” you whisper, he looks up at you his eyes filled with tears. How did you even get here, you didn't mean to be forceful with Vash but you couldn't let him pull away when he was so down on himself. Blaming himself for everything, you know he blames himself for you getting hurt. But these things just happen.

“I just can't seem to do anything right,” he says it with a light chuckle, and you fist the material of his jacket leaning in, you watch his eyes go wide and a blush settles on his face you choose to ignore that. “Vash.” you say his name sternly, and he gulps at your tone, “I am going to say this in the nicest way possible, but if you say one more bad thing about yourself, I'm going to hurt you.” 

You don't really mean it; you could never hurt Vash, but he does this light laugh that sounds real and it makes your heart soar. He grabs each of your wrists, and you loosen your grasp blushing as he looks at you softly. “Okay, I get it… I just don't deserve you, you’re always doing so much for me, and you're so kind! I just feel like-” You cut off his rambling by grasping his hands and intertwining your fingers with him, and you lean forward pressing into him it shuts him right up.

“What did I just say? This world doesn’t deserve you, don't ever think you don't deserve nice things, and comfort. You deserve the world, and I wish I could give it to you.” you pause, your heart beating wildly in your chest, thinking your next words carefully, but you want him to understand. “Can I show you?” 

“Show me what?” his voice drops to a whisper, the suns have long since set and his eyes seem to glow in the moonlight, “How much you mean to me, how much I care.” you wonder if his heart is beating as fast, he nods and you drop his hands they fall limply to his side as you cup his face. “I need you to say it.” 

He takes in a deep breath, the words leaving him in a whine, “Please show me how much you care about me.” he looks so embarrassed, but you smile brightly as you lean in kissing his forehead, “I love how kind you are.” you mutter, he makes a startled noise, but you keep going moving to kiss under his right eye, “How you see the good in everyone.” under his left eye next, “How strong you are, but only use your strength to help those in need.” 

You pull back to check on his face to make sure you're not overwhelming him too much, his eyes are watery again and there is a slight tremble to his lips but he doesn’t ask you to stop or pull away so you continue, kissing him on the tip of his nose, “You put up with me and I appreciated it, even when I'm being difficult.” he lets out a light chuckle at this, and you smirk. Your eyes flicker to his lips and then to his eyes asking for permission to continue, your voice quiet in the night. 

“Please,” he asks and well who are you to refuse, you lean in pressing your lips to his gently, he touches you now finding the courage to do so, his prosthetic resting on your waist, while his other hand comes to rest on the nape of your next. 

You pull back barely out of reach, “And I really love how you never give up, even when it would be easier. You are so good Vash, and if I need to spend every day reminding you of that I will.” 

He lets out a whimper, you lean back into to give him another kiss he holds you close, you feel his grip tighten on your waist. You don’t mind, letting him take as much as he wants. You don’t know how long the two of you stay like this, sharing soft kisses and shy touches. But eventually you pull back, resting your hands gently on his chest. 

“Are you okay? Was that too much?” You ask softly, he opens his eyes to look at you, you can see the blush covering his face, and making you smile. He removes his hands form you, instead covering his whole face to block his blush. “Is that a yes then?” You tease lightly. 

“Thank you…” he says it quietly, and it makes your heart melt, you grab both his wrist and pull them away so you can see his face, placing a soft kiss on the inside of each wrist you smile softly at him. “You don’t need to thank me; I’ll do this every day if you want.”

“Then it really will be too much.” He whines and you laugh getting to your feet and pulling him up. Once he’s standing you drop his hands, “never, I’ll never run out of love for you.” He’s blushing again hands covering his face once more, you love when he gets all shy. You step around him reaching up to tussle his blonde locks, “we need to find our Thomas now.” 

He sighs dropping his hands, “I’ll find her.” You laugh he tells you to wait here and he’ll be back. Watching him leave, you hope that you were able to bring him some comfort. You hope he understood how deeply you cared for him, and that you would continue to be by his side no matter what.

Eventually, Vash came back he held out his hand from the top of the Thomas, you grabbed his hand and he pulled you up, settling you in front of him. You thanked him as you grabbed the reins, Vash settled his arms around your waist. Resting his chin on top of your head you smiled, as you moved the Thomas forward, you didn’t know where to head next but it didn’t matter as long as you were together.

[boston-babies]

“This is fixed! I demand a recount!”

You rolled your eyes from your place in the kitchen when you heard Ryan yell that from the den. Tanner laughed when she walked in “what’s that all about?” You sighed “they’re playing uno” She laughed harder “is that a good idea for them?” You shook your head “absolutely not. I know in about five minutes from now a fight is going to break out that I’m going to have to stop”

She nodded “that’s why Henry and I stopped at two” you laughed “oh because Will and Lily don’t fight?” Tanner shook her head “not at bad as your five”. There was a quiet beat before she turned serious “how are they handling the separation?” You looked down into your coffee mug “not well. Not seeing him all the time is hard for them and Danica’s asked me a few times if she could go live with Chris in Maine” Tanner scrunched her face “ouch. I’m sorry” you sighed “even Ryan’s upset and wants us back together” Her eyes widened “wow, that surprises me. Even after the hard time he’s been giving Chris over all of this?” you nodded “surprised me too.”

She narrowed her eyes “there’s something else. What are you not telling me?” You shrugged “nothing” she rolled her eyes “oh please, we’ve known each other since kindergarten, we’re best friends, I know when you aren’t telling me something so start talking”

You sighed “Tom called me yesterday” her eyes went wide as saucers “shut up, no way!” You nodded and Tanner continued “what did he want?” “He’s in town and wants to have dinner” her jaw dropped “what did you say?” You went silent and shrugged “oh. My. God. You’re considering it?!” You shook your head “I didn’t say that!” “You didn’t have to! Do you really think having dinner with the ex boyfriend that got you and Chris in this mess in the first place is a good idea?!”

You rolled your eyes “No, Chris got himself and I in this mess when he decided to do what he did”. Your eyes watered. You so desperately didn’t want to cry but all the anger and frustration from this last year just came pouring out. Tanner pulled you into a hug and “I’m sorry, I know this past year has been awful for you but be honest with me here. Are you only considering going to dinner with Tom to hurt Chris back? Or because you genuinely want to move on from Chris?”

You wiped your eyes “you wouldn’t be proud of my answer Tan..” She sighed “you’re human, it doesn’t make you a bad person” you took a deep breath “I don’t know what to do anymore Tanner” “what about therapy? I thought that was going well?” You took a deep breath “he hasn’t shown up to the last two sessions” you shook your head and started sobbing “I love him so much that it hurts but somewhere along the line I lost him and that kills me more..”

Tanner pulled you into a bone crushing hug as you completely broke down “I just want him back” she rubbed your back “I know..it’s gonna be okay, I promise. You two will figure it out, you always do..”

What you didn’t realize was that Dani had been listening from the hallway. Her heart was breaking for her mother. Suddenly, there was pounding on the front door and Danica huffed and rolled her eyes as she went to the door to answer “yeah yeah, I’m coming” She opened the door and went wide eyed when she saw her father on the other side looking frantic.

“Piglet..where’s your mom? I need to talk to her” Dani shook her head “no Daddy. You don’t.” He looked shocked “Dani?” “You need to leave mommy alone. I’m done taking your side and letting you hurt her. So no, you don’t need to talk to mama because there’s nothing to say. So go back to Maine and leave her be.” She started closing the door and Chris spoke sternly “Danica Taralynn” She shook her head once more “I hope all of this was worth destroying your family” She shut the door completely and took a deep breath. You and Tanner came down the hall. You wiped your eyes “who was at the door baby?” Dani turned around and looked at her mom “no one important mama”

She walked over and gave you the biggest hug “oh..” you hugged her back “you okay dandelion?” Dani nodded and hugged you tighter “I love you mama” you kissed the top of her head “I love you to baby”

[milkmaidovich]

ask you anything, huh? alright-

1 - who's YOUR favourite gallagher sibling. and why.

2 - do you think you and above gallagher sibling are most alike? or someone else?

please & thank you 🌾

Ooooh these are good questions!! Thank you!

1. HMMMMMM I think this is a tie between Ian, my sweet cheese, my rotten solider, my good time boy FOREVER and Lip.

Ian because barring a bit in the middle there (which was understandable) he's probably the most optimistic of them all. He can see a better life for himself and he's gonna make it happen and he believes he deserves it! He's adaptable (middle child shit) and has that Gallagher ability to think outside the box. A trait he and Lip share as they become adults that I love dearly is their desire to grow and change and be better, even if means admitting some hard things and taking responsibility for bad choices. I don't love the whole gay Jesus storyline (could have been handled in a way that felt less gimmicky imo) but I did like that Ian wasn't going to not own up to the why of his actions, especially because it shows him putting his needs before those of others, ie his little cult following, because he can't heal from it or begin to make amends if he's not honest. He doesn't want to be Monica, who could never accept her diagnosis and her own culpability in bad decisions AND she didn't let anyone be the support system Ian builds for himself with his siblings and Mickey to help him make the good choices when all his brain wants is the other ones.

Lip has those self-sabotaging tendencies of a person who doesn't believe he belongs, or that he shouldn't get good things, and the added pressure of everyone telling you forever how smart you are and how you're gonna be The One who gets out/makes something of themselves/changes everything for the family/etc and when suddenly shit is hard???? And you feel like you can't say anything because you're The One??? And you feel guilty for not being home and for enjoying being your own individual person for the first time in your entire life???? It broke my heart to see him try to half-ass sobriety in some attempt to keep hold of how he wasn't like Frank, he was better, he was The One, but it was great to see him accept that he the best way to be NOT like Frank was to accept that this was a problem he had and that he needed to do something about it. My feelings on how, in the later seasons, they could have utilized his rocky path to being a better person and embracing the growing emotional intelligence and communication skills that come with doing a 12 step program like AA are MANY (and I have OPINIONS on all how the arcs of all the siblings went real fucking sideways out of nowhere) and I am sad every day we got the set up for something great for him and they leaned into Dumb Shenanigans instead.

2. I have more in common with with Lip than most of the others, in that I had that idea that as the "you're so smart! Everything is so easy for you!" gifted kid I had a really really hard time accepting when shit was no longer easy and also understanding that I could ask for help, because who was I if I wasn't those things and ALSO no one believed me when I did ask, because I was so smart and everything was easy so I just wasn't trying hard enough surely (the adult diagnosis of severe ADHD really put a lot of this into context). I struggle to accept when things change for how I thought I would be and I also have the tendency to not believe I deserve good things, but unlike Lip I've done enough therapy to be able to push back when the brain gremlins come calling. I also looked at the family history of substance abuse and alcoholism and went "nah I don't think I'm gonna drink when I'm stressed, seems like tempting fate" which he didn't do till he had to, but I can absolutely see myself going a different route if the drinking culture I grew up with had been more casual.

Thanks for the ask!! Of course I got real busy as soon as I received it so I'm sorry it took so long

[neteyamsilly]

Okay so yeah as I said I'd be back later, and I am back ( yeah very late lolz) So how are you???? Hope everything is alr? Okie so god, Jake seems pissed, the fatherly rage and all. He gon fuck up the person that dare interrupted this moment. Like my man was finally having a heart felt moment and finally realized his mistakes ( at long last) and was trying to correct them, but no, it can't happen not so soon anyways. Like this guy, I kinda feel bad for us when this old father was finally admitting his mistakes, some douchebag had to ruin it. like I can imagine the us goin "Aye U mf, this bish was finally, finally apologizing and u had to ruin it didn't you? Leave my father man I'll fuck you up, dumb bitch couldn't handle bein humiliated by dad and mom once that you come back again for more?"

I WANT NEYETIRI'S REACTION FOR THE NAME JACK, AND I SAW SM1 IN YOUR ASKS SAYING THE NAME JACK THE CANNIBAL. AND I LOVED IT WHOEVER HAD THAT IDEA. I CAN IMAGINE NEYETIRI GOING- SHE'S TOO MUCH OF A COPY LIKE HER FATHER- Like bro but god I re-read it again all the parts and I cried, an emotional wreak, the lucid dreaming? oh it felt so true, like it was not a part of ur fiction but the actual movie. This is how good your writing is. Okie so as you said we are heading to the Metkayina Clan. I want a lil info if psbl. Is she gonna fall in love with one of the Metkayinan Boy or Girl? I've never, ever been obsessed with a piece of Fiction so damn bad as this one. I'm addicted to this man, what you write hits right in the damn feels. Love you <33 AND YEE PAY FOR MY AND OTHER'S THERAPY BILLS. IMMA SEND MINE NEXT.

FIRST OF ALL NO I CANNOT PAY FOR ANY THERAPY I CANT EVEN AFFORD MYSELF 💀����💀

AND totally uncalled for TMI but i wanna complain a bit,,,, I started my period today and things suck it hurts. the radiator in my room also broke down and im cold its winter here. but like. im happy regardless bc i have you guys<3 constantly am reminded there's a small crowd out there on the internet who love me (maybe) and my writing so im cheered up instantly. yes im being cheesy im on my period EXCUSE ME

MOVING ON THOUGH i want to say that man was one of the recombinants in quaritch's squad that wasn't quite killed and only wounded. the rest of his squad got extraction but he didn't, so that's how he made his way to the tree of souls trying to navigate the forest. i didnt really gave context to how sister!reader's rescue went because she was very focused on herself and her claustrophobic panic at the moment but YEAH I thought it'd be cool to establish a bit of a butterfly effect HSHSJDS ur gonna see what jake does with him it's going to be interesting

(ALSO THANK YOU AQSA TO THINK ITS THAT DESCRIPTIVE AND CLEAR THAT YOU COULD LUCID DREAM AHHHHSDSDBSJKDBK)

OOF to be honest i only have bits and pieces for the metkayina plot. if i were to write about it i think i'd do just headcanons? i dont have a lot tbh,,,,, nothing is set in stone at the moment. for the romance i have ideas i entertain, sister!reader is a character who can have interesting dynamics with everyone due to her personality. i havent really planned anything at all so i just dont know. i really am planning to leave the ending ambiguous sorry AHAHAH

[fixfoxnox]

I Have Words and the first one is APOLOGIZE THAT CHAPTER BROKE MY HEART

And stop giving me emotional whiplash

I was DRY SOBBING into my pillow I aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

And stop making Roach’s anxiety so relatable I cant handle that I mention having dermatillomania the other day but I also experience MAJOR FOMO so I am SEEEEETHING that the team didn't take Roach to dinner that resonated in my fucking BONES I am so mad at the rest of the 141 rn

Also soaps journal/sketchbook is my favorite plot device in my own fics so I LOVED your use of it and I am going to sob forever and forever bc of it

(For real tho like holy shit amazing chapter (as always) I loved it so much ohhhhh my god I love everything you write and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

I apologize for the emotional whiplash I gave you guys with the sadness followed immediately by the dick pic scene with Gaz but I couldn't help myself lmao

We're all gonna work together to jump the 141 and beat some sense into them for Roach. Like my chest hurts with how upset it makes me to know that Roach went through a day of therapy where he talked specifically about how worried he was about them getting along with KorTac, only to come out of therapy and, less than an hour later, learn that the reason he's alone and able to find Soap's Journal and spiral on his own is because they went out with the people they were, just days earlier, ranting about not wanting to work with.

THEN FINDING OUT THE NEXT DAY THAT NOT ONLY DID THEY GO TO DINNER, BUT THEY WENT TO A BAR AFTERWARD AS WELL??? ALSO NOT TO SPOIL ANYTHING BUT NEXT CHAPTER WILL MAKE THIS SITUATION EVEN WORSE NGL

Also I loved using Soap's journal as a way to Kickstart everything. I honestly have no idea how I would have been able to get to where we're going and give Roach some time to be feral without it lol

💙💙💙

[mrotssss]

Beyond the surface

Dear diary,

I had my first therapy session. After, I parked my car and sat there for a while listening to “ I miss you, I’m sorry” by Grace Abrams on repeat…. A long while.

Digesting, I guess you could say.

I let the words of the last few nights rush my brain like a category 5 hurricane.

Falling in love in the most painful way is an understatement. It feels unjust for me to cry and hurt like this, yet here I am, creating an ocean of tears on my bathroom floor every night, desperately trying to stay afloat. Why does it hurt this much? Because, it was real

I loved him, deeply. That love was real. Maybe that’s why my heart is in pieces now. The intensity of my love has transformed into an equal measure of pain that my body is struggling to bear.

My therapist suggested I compare myself to something, and this is what sputtered from me:

“Bookstores used to intimidate me. Millions of books with vibrant covers and intriguing stories waiting to read, but everyone seemed focused on finding the latest bestseller—the one that was sold out everywhere, the one whose ending everyone already knew before even opening the pages.

I felt like the book that had been tossed aside, returned time and again. My spine was cracked, my colors faded, edges torn, and dust settled in the creases of my pages; I had been handled and overlooked.

I tried to change my cover, forcing my way into the ‘bestseller’ section, seeking validation in hopes of proving my old owners wrong. My intentions were never meant for him, yet somehow, he ended up holding me, waiting at the checkout.

He read my story, he became apart of my story. He loved my story. He handled my pages so gently careful not to cause anymore creases to the already worn print.

How do you tell your new owner that the cover that they see is mearly a disguise? But that the contents are still just as beautiful and real as they’ve always been?

How do you rip the cover off without completely destroying the book ?

How is it that a cover holds so much power of why someone wants to keep reading?!

How is it that once the cover gets removed and the torn spineless book gets discovered it gets tossed back into the clearance section?!

PLEASE TELL ME HOW ?! ”

…

at this point I’m shouting and holding my chest.

Funny thing, he used to say he was crazy or weird and sometimes told me things that people might find creepy, where I should of ran for the hills, yet here I am fucked up in the head alone and crying.

Anyway,

At this point I’m sitting in my driveway, existing.

People in my life ,(their master plan of getting me over you, and all the pain that still firmly consumed me was something I really didn’t want to do. It’s something I don’t want to do. But anything to take away this throbbing and make it all go away) I don’t deserve them.

I FaceTime my mom, tears streaming down my face as I stared blankly at the screen. Her words echoed in my mind: “ I don’t see my pops when I look at you. I see the hurt in your eyes.” That cut deeeeeep. If you know me, you’d understand how much I love my mom. Hearing her say that felt like a heavy weight on my heart. I was defeated…

I was ready to give up, I didn’t want to wake up anymore

I got an unexpected email today from my favorite beauty line titled “RE: Return” I have no idea how or why my email was attached. I read it confused and there I saw the initial email, from him to them, laughing as if this was a joke to return an order he bought because we broke up.

I sat there overthinking. — Sadness turned to more sadness turned to anger turned sadder sadness turned numbness then turned to a heavy sigh.

The funny thing, I am a beautiful novel, i am a best seller, I always have been but a stupid cover hid my beauty. he fell in love with the idea of my cover and not truly the pages inside and I’m paying the price for that, I chose to cover myself up for my own protection and all it did was hurt my best friend in the end. Simple as that, I fucked up. I am sorry to him a 10000X but it’s still not good enough. That will never be good enough. I’m not good enough

He has wants and needs, and I’m not good enough for him,it shows and that’s okay . I don’t blame him for hating me or not wanting anything to do with me and that’s okay,

On the other hand, he also lost someone who cares immensely for him and will love him no matter what, who will be proud of him for the rest of his days rooting for him on the sidelines. I could have given him the world but I just wasn’t what he wanted, he gave up on me and that’s okay too, he doesn’t owe me anything.

If I had known him in another life, if he had picked up my first edition, intertwined fingers and exchanges of smiles would be taking places this very moment.

I looked in the mirror for the last time tonight and said

“Samantha, you loved him with your whole heart. Beyond the surface, you loved him and you loved him tenaciously. To the girl you use to be and the girl you are…I forgive you”

-S

[kimberkingrivers]

I miss you tonight.

Why I don’t know.

I know why I walked away.

I know why I broke my promise

But you never intended to keep yours

I held you while you cried

I stayed up all night talking to you

I told you things I’ve never told anyone

I let you in

I broke down my walls

And you didn’t help me removed the debris

No you helped me build it back

Brick by brick

Piece by fucking piece

But you said it “we were always too different”

But I find it funny all the things you accused me of

You are

I’m not open minded

I’m too closed off

I’m too traditional

But I accepted you…

I kept my mouth shut

I kept your secrets

Even when they broke my heart

Even when they broke my heart again

I still kept those secrets

I kept my mouth Fuckin shut

Even when you lied to me

Made me look like a fool

Every time you changed

Every new job or new outlook on life

Every time you cut

Every time you took the pills

Every time you snuck out with him

I thought it’ll be different one day

Next time she’ll call me

But I was wrong

I was never gonna be able to save you

You were gonna drown me with you

One of the last things you texted me

“I look forward to you making me cry on my birthday every year”

Nearly everything in that letter felt like a lie

I knew better but I wanted it to get better

If I’d only known

My things have probably been taken off the walls

hidden in the negative energy box under you bed

My pictures will be burned

The letters burned

One day the record of our relationship gone

Turned to ash

I still remember the call

I knew something was wrong

when your name and face appeared

on my screen that day

You tried to act like it was nothing

What you don’t know

If why you told me everything that had happened

Knowing I had texted you

I miss you

Less than a hour before you were loaded into an ambulance

And yet I still didn’t get a text

I’m not trying to be entitled

But the 24 hours before I got that phone call and the next week after that

It gave me a glimpse into what my life would be like if you were gone

You do get it

I walked around completely out of

I hurt so much I couldn’t get myself to feel anything

I was so vulnerable I never wanted to talk to the person that was supposed to be my other half

The person I was supposed to call when I got my heart broke

You weren’t supposed to break my heart

I handed you a gun pointed it at my heart and prayed you wouldn’t pull the trigger

But you did

And what hurt more what you didn’t even care that you hurt me

You didn’t care that you pulled that trigger

shattered my heart

But that’s the way it always was

It was always about you

You were always the priority

You couldn’t handle the stress of life

Not enough sleep

Too much work

Too much school

You would work for a day and sleep for two

You would go days without communicating with me

But if you needed me

and I didn’t respond

I would have 50 plus messages

on my phone

If you had a long day and didn’t want to do something we didn’t do it unless it was your idea

But I had a bad day you would drag me along anyway because I was being too dramatic

I clearly wasn’t what you wanted anymore

You felt out of place in my life,

And i felt like gosh out of water in yours

Maybe you were right

We’re too different

I’m just a reminder of who your parents wanted you to be

All I know is i hope I would have found the confidence and drive I did to do what I’m doing now

But I never would have texted you that day

Outside therapy to ask you that question if I knew what would come of it

I know I didn’t do everything right

There’s things I would change if I could

I wish I could have walked away with less scars

Too dramatic

Doesn’t care

Live life

Don’t fuck up your life

Get to know what you want by trying different things

If you want it you’ll work for it, in anything life, relationships your career and skills

You would probably get a lot of satisfaction if you saw this post

Because I know how much you love to mess with people

I just never thought I would be one of those people

But I was naive

There won’t be heartbreak song out of this maybe a bitch get over me but not a heart break song

I built my walls back up because of you

I tried new things because of you

I learned a lot of lessons

But I also broke my promise

I think that’s what I regret the most is I broke my promise

A promise I never should have made

A promise you needed to hear

A promise I wanted you to make to me as much as I made to you

But when I say “we’re going to have to communicate” and you hear “lose my number”

When I got in the truck that day

You didn’t even care I was leaving

The only reason you contacted me was to give me my things back

The last time I talked to you

I choked back the tears

You wouldn’t look me in the eye

You couldn’t stand to be near me

I wanted to kiss you on the forehead and walk away

But I didn’t

I say call if you need anything

You said of course

And that was it

It was over

The wall was built

Door shut

And the lock was locked

The key thrown away

The door won’t open again

The lock will not be picked

The wall will not come down again not for you

[earnestly-endlessly]

*flies in like magneto* can i get some exes to lovers™?

Do I have some exes to lovers fics for you? Yes I certainly do. It seems that the cherik fandom loves some exes to lovers cherik and I don't blame anyone because this ship really calls for all the angst. I hope you enjoy this list.

Exes to Lovers AU

Bound – FuryRed

Summary: Is there anything worse than someone else’s wedding? Well, perhaps your sister’s wedding- where the groom just has to invite his boss and that man just happens to be your ex-boyfriend; a person you had an extremely passionate and tumultuous relationship with that ended badly.

Charles hadn’t seen Erik for a year by the time Raven had told him about the wedding. He wasn’t looking forward to the occasion, particularly when Raven explained that they would be celebrating the event with a two-week extravaganza at a luxury hotel, meaning that Charles would be forced to spend a whole fortnight with the man who he’d given everything to; the man who had ultimately broken his heart…

Preheat to 350 (just for you remix) – ikeracity

Summary: Charles realizes he's in love with Erik. But there's one tiny little problem: he just broke up with Erik.

Thread Through a Needle – Black_Betty

Summary: Erik and Charles are broken up. Neither of them want to be.

Carry Me Anew (Frost & Darkholme Remix) – kianspo

Summary: While working as a model for Raven and Emma's clothing line, Erik experiences a strong attraction to his shoot partner. These things happen, except Erik has a boyfriend, who does not take this at all well.

Linger like a tattoo kiss – ikeracity

Summary: Six months apart gives Erik a lot of time to think about what he really wants.

(Erik's POV from Carry Me Anew (Frost & Darkholme Remix) by kianspo)

Symphysis – ikeracity

Summary: After Charles and Erik broke up four months ago, Charles convinced himself he'd never see Erik again. But life has a funny way of bringing people back together.

Call/Response – phalangine

Summary: Charles and Erik have a real conversation for the first time since breaking up. Charles is looking to avoid confrontation. Erik is not.

Regression Therapy – Fantine_Black

Summary: O, God, he’d made a terrible mistake. Whatever he’d expected to find here, Erik was still Erik, a man he’d moved continents to avoid. In retrospect, that felt like a rather good idea…

Four years after Charles walked away from Professor Lehnsherr, the two meet again for a drink.

Because things are better the second time round, aren't they?

Forever is Only a Drunk Dial Away – bettysofia

Summary: Charles is sad and drunk and stalking Erik's Instagram.

Shop Space – Caradee

Summary: Charles and Erik break up but still meet at their favorite coffee shop and manage a completely friendly relationship. The kids who work the coffee shop don't understand it, Charles' overprotective twin brother doesn't understand it, and even Charles doesn't understand it. Then, Erik shows up with a new date, someone who seems to be everything that Charles is not.

How will the Professor handle the surprising heartbreak that comes seeing Erik with someone else?

Mutant House at Dead Kings College – mabyn

Summary: When it comes to romance, Charles has terrible timing.

Can You Feel My Heart – FuryRed

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr hates Charles Xavier.

It’s as true as the words written on the wall in the bathroom at the university that Erik attends. Erik sees them one day- accompanied by a crude drawing of Erik and Charles glaring at each other- and recognises the truth of the sentence, and smiles.

He hates Charles.

Probably…

Believe (One More Time) – luninosity

Summary: For the prompt, Charles and Erik dated during college and had a bitter break-up right before graduation. It's five years later and they both meet again at their class's reunion for a weekend. Someone was even stupid enough to have them room with each other for the weekend...

Old Flame Burning – TurtleTotem

Summary: It's ridiculous for Charles to dread meeting the best man at his sister's wedding, just because he shares a name with Charles's ex. It's not as though it could possibly be the same Erik.

Don’t speak to the bartender – Wild_Imagination

Summary: Logan is a bartender, it's a gloomy evening, and in his bar there's someone with a broken heart. But this is not a movie.

Right?

Somewhere I’m Going & Have Never Been Before – Yahtzee

Summary: In late December 1984, Charles falls victim to the terrible pandemic sweeping across the globe. He's sick, probably dying, and utterly alone in an isolated cabin...until he's not.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland – TurtleTotem

Summary: Charles hasn't seen Erik since their devastating breakup ten years ago. He's certainly the last person he expects to run into at a Christmas lights display.

Lean On Me – SpiritsFlame

Summary: Ten years ago, Charles and Erik split up, dividing their six kids between them. None of them expect them to meet at summer camp. And no one could have predicted the results.

It was a yellow umbrella spring – ikeracity

Summary: Three years after Charles left for Oxford, Erik discovers that Charles is coming back to New York.

Second chances are wonderful things.

My heart above my head – annejumps

Summary: Emma thinks her coworker Erik and her friend and fellow telepath Charles should get together. No one expects things to get so intense so quickly.

The Edge of What Doesn’t End – populuxe

Summary: When a mysterious object appears on the moon, Moira MacTaggert calls in two experts with very specific mutations to investigate.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, after years of breaking up and getting back together again, those two experts have finally broken up for good—and they’re the last people in the world who should be stuck together on a spaceship.

Exit Wounds – LemonadeGarden

Summary: It's been eight months since Charles and Erik had a fight that broke apart their marriage. When a mutant rights protest goes awry and Charles begins to get sick, past memories and present obstacles begin to blur the lines of their ideological differences.

Alternatively: Charles and Erik learn how to fall in love again in troubled times.

Note: Unfinished

11 Days, 8 Hours and 12 Minutes (or Bruises, Stupidity and Anger Management) – ximeria

Summary: For six months, Erik and Charles have been the disgustingly happy couple of the school. Considering their pigheadedness and general communication skills (or lack thereof), things are bound to go boom at some point.

Moon Song – ikeracity

Summary: Werewolf AU. When Charles is captured by hunters, Erik and his pack go after him. It turns out there might be some room for redemption left for both of them after all.

I will Never Stop Loving You – swoopswoop

Summary: Erik and Charles split up three years ago but Erik never really got over it and then one day when the man who walked out of his life three years ago is walking down the street towards him, Erik sees an opportunity to mend fences.

Please leave your message after the tone – ikeracity

Summary: Spending his evening getting shitfaced and pining over Erik seems like a totally productive use of Charles's time. Luckily, it turns out to be a better idea than it sounds.

When the Spell Breaks – kianspo

Summary: Erik, a high-profile lawyer with a successful career, meets a 21-year-old grad student in a bar, and within a few short months marries him. He and Charles are blissfully happy, until Erik's boss runs a background check on Charles and discovers he's been cheating on Erik. Charles denies everything, as there was no affair, but Erik doesn't believe him and throws him out. As Charles tries to figure out how to survive and stay at school that he can no longer afford and makes a lot of bad if not plain dangerous choices, Erik has to fight his own battle of discovering the truth and winning Charles back.

We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven (the things you love don’t last remix) – hllfire

Summary: Charles hands Erik the signed divorce papers, but Erik has changed his mind. Too late, it seems. All he can do is go forward with the divorce.

A year later, Charles comes back, and Erik can't help but wanting to see him. The only problem is things don't go like Erik had planned.

Suddenly There’ll Be a Blizzard (Let it Snow Remix) – kianspo

Summary: Charles was never at his best while jetlagged, but locking himself out in a snowstorm while barely dressed might be a new low. The last thing he expected was to be rescued by his high school nemesis, the man he hadn't seen in over ten years, who might have broken his heart for good once upon a time.

Write this number down (you can call it anytime) – pocky_slash

Summary: When Erik upsets his children, they have a habit of running away from home--and straight to Charles' school for cookies and consolation. Charles doesn't mind the visitors, but as they appear more and more frequently, he realizes that sooner or later, he and Erik are going to have to talk about what happened on the beach and what it means for their future and the future of Erik's children.

All we do is break up (and make up) – Stuckyl0v3r

Summary: "So instead of making the most out of this next months, because you don't know where either of you is going to end up, you decided to stay away from each other to get used to the feeling?" Hank summed up, stopping in front of the class. Charles nodded his head confidently and beamed at him, but somehow his smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Yes, something like that."

Well, that was the most idiotic plan Hank's ever heard.

Three wheels of cheese and a Great White – ximeria

Summary: Charles and Erik were friends with benefits in college.

They went their separate ways and 18 years later, they run into each other in New York.

The sex was never a problem back in college - and sex was all it had been. But now Erik is a divorced father and Charles has admitted to himself he needs more than just sex in a relationship. So in their usual round-about way they try to navigate becoming friends after so many years. The whole quest is aided by Raven, Edie, Wanda and Pietro (and a large number of shark jokes).

[thebiggestfan1]

hello!! maybe after (your recent matthew tkuchuk imagine's universe) matthew would suggest y/n to go to therapy? idk if it's okay for you. but it'd be so caring of him and so mature. because lately he noticed y/n being anxious and sleeping bad and all that stuff. so he suggested her some help.

Thanks for this idea, I enjoyed writing it :)) Hope you'll like this!

This is the continuation of this oneshot but you don't have to read it beforehand

word count: 989 words

TW: depression

It was foolish to think that as soon as Matthew would get home, everything would get magically solved. Yes, when you came home after a long day at the university, he greeted you with kisses and sweet words. But when he fell asleep and you still had to study for some exams, you felt more alone than ever, even with Matt lying just next door.

Sleep didn't come when you went to bed. All you were thinking about was what's wrong with you and that everything is just your fault and that you're so stupid you can't even pass through the third year of the university.

So you started taking pills to silence your thoughts. It helped at the beginning but after a while, their efficiency wore off and you were left with your mind screaming, torturing you with your own thoughts.

The worst of it was that Matt noticed. He could see how you began to slowly fall apart, how distant you grew and the sight of it broke his heart.

"I am here for you, you know that, right?" he asked you once when you finished your homework and climbed into your bed.

"Of course I know that." you whispered back, watching his silhouette move as he hugged your numb body. You should have felt warm and safe in that moment - but you felt nothing.

"It seems like you're forgetting it. It seems like you're not even trying to care anymore."

You fell silent. As always, he was right.

And when you finally found the will to tell him how bad were you really feeling, you heard him softly snoring in his sleep.

So you closed your mouth and never spoke of it again.

...

You found yourself crying on the bathroom floor.

Your entire body shook as you wept and you couldn’t stop the tears escaping your eyes. The worst of it was that you were crying because you couldn’t detangle your messy hair - yeah, that was all, no big deal. Normally it was no big deal. Still, it was too much to handle by yourself and you had no idea what to do.

“Y/N? Are you crying?” you heard Matthew talking on the other side of the door. The handle moved but you locked yourself in as you realized you would fall apart in any moment.

“Let me in.” He sounded desparate and broken but you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. 

“Please, babe. Let me it,” you heard him panic. There was a loud bang as if he was throwing his body against the door, trying to break into the bathroom. 

“Matt...” you tried to say but the lump in your throat stopped you from telling him more. 

You didn’t hear him when he shouted at you to let you in. You didn’t hear him begging you to answer him. You didn’t hear as the door broke in its hinges.

All of your senses came back to you as Matthew’s arms picked you up from the cold floor, hugging you as close as he could while whispering: “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay-” Was he talking to you or to himself?

"I'm so sorry," you sobbed into his chest.

"Don't be, we're fine, we're doing great and we'll get through this-"

"Stop lying, Matt." As much as you wanted to believe him, you couldn’t lie to yourself anymore. No, you were not doing great. And no, you won’t get through this if you don’t acknowledge the real problem first. 

Matthew took one deep breath before getting closer, his forehead touching yours. 

“I love you, Y/N. I’ve loved you for a long time and I’ve given you all the time you needed to get used to living with me and I hate to see you falling apart because it’s only my fault that you’re here. And- and I think that it would be better if you would go to therapy, to see what’s wrong and to make you feel more comfortable-” 

“Okay,” you breathed out, not really thinking about what he was saying. You’ve tried and you’ve failed and if there was something that could help you, something that could save your relationship, you would try it no matter what.

...

It was Monday and you were coming home with a smile on your face - for the first time in what felt like years. 4 months of going to therapy made their own magic and you felt so happy for once again, feeling something other than emptiness. 

Of course it took some time. But you were patient, Matthew was patient and everything was coming back to normal.

You left the university and transferred back to your previous school, doing all the studying via online classes. In your free time, you started going to gym and training with Matt (he couldn’t be happier). You slept at least 8 hours a day, ate healtier than ever and this part of your life became the one you were proudest of.

“You look amazing, Y/N,” Matt told you as soon as you stepped into the apartment. He kissed your cheek softly and looked at you with that look of his, full of love, joy and care. 

You knew he wasn’t talking about the way you were dressed or about your hairstyle. He talked about that smile on your face and your bright eyes. 

“It’s the proof that I’m trying to care, Matty.” you smiled at him. He intertwined your fingers, tugging your hand closer so he could kiss your knuckles, one by one.

“I know that you are.” 

For a while, you two just stood there, in the middle of the living room, enjoying the comfort it brought you. And then Matthew started tickling you and you laughed and laughed and laughed as you felt the tears wetting your cheeks.

“I’m glad we got through this, Y/N.” he told you, watching the dimples in your cheeks. It was a long time since he saw them. 

“And I’m glad I was able to get through this with you, Matthew Tkachuk.”

[ghost-ghost-baby]

We're Just Friends! (Omega!bakugo x alpha!reader x omega!Izuku) pt. 3/?

Pt. 1 / / pt. 2

A/n: cannot believe we made it to pt. 3 I’m sksksksksk,,,, they finally get together! Pt 4/5 will b them all together and adjusting and then it’ll b readers bday so 👀👀

Lore: Once an Alpha reaches 21 they get their first rut, they’d either already have their mates or the rut will act as a push for them to get together and bond.

Summary: Reader and Katsuki have been friends for years, and everyone expects them to get together, until reader rescues an omega that lives in their building, and things get a touch more... complicated

Warnings: swearing, omegaverse, mad pining, Katsuki get exposed for going to therapy lmao, Izuku is kinda a shithead, Katsuki b mad insecure, reader is still dumb- everyone except for Izuku is bad at feelings

The two of you had gotten sidetracked, really quickly, it wasn’t even twenty minutes before you were putting a horror video on the tv. That was almost an hour ago, and you were about to doze off now, laying on your back with your head on the arm rest, Izuku right on top of you with his head tucked under your chin. You didn’t know how you got into this position, but you weren’t complaining, it was… nice. Perfect, almost, but something still felt like it was missi-

“Y/n- why the fuck are our stupid friends asking me about your new- Deku?” Katsuki burst through the door, already yelling, and his scent took on a burnt tinge that almost had you gagging when he slammed the door behind him.

“Kacchan! I didn’t realise you were Y/n’s roommate!” Izuku perked up almost immediately, sitting up so he was straddling you with his eyes fixed right on Katsuki.

“Wait, you two know each other-“ You tried to sit up, barely managing to turn your head to see Katsuki, Izuku was stronger than he looked, and he obviously didn’t want you moving-

“Yeah we go way back, childhood friends, right Kacchan?” Izuku’s tone was light, but you couldn’t see the feral look on his face from where you were trapped on the couch.

“Right… that doesn’t explain what the fuck you’re doing here, Deku.” Katsuki snarled, and Izuku giggled at the blonde. What the fuck kinda thing were you stuck in the middle of-

“What does it look like, Kacchan? We’re courting now! And Y/n’s already been such a good alpha, I’m surprised you didn’t ask them-“

“What does he mean you’re courting?” Katsuki’s tone was something you’d never heard before, and your heart twinged at it. “Get the fuck off of them Deku.” He walked closer to the couch, until he could grab onto your arm and haul you off, Izuku sliding back to the couch and pouting.

“He asked me on the way home and I accepted-“ Katsuki’s heart sank, he’d been too late? “I didn’t think you’d care, aren’t you courting Kiri?” Your scent was far too comforting, and the way it accompanied Izuku’s had Katsuki feeling something he definitely didn’t want to. Deku was a stalker! A creepy little nothing stalker! With great hair- no! And you looked so cute when you were confused like this-!

“Katsuki, are you okay?” You waved your hand in front of his face, and the blonde only let out another snarl. What if you found out about what he’d done to Deku, you’d never look at him the same, and from the way Deku was smirking the bastard knew it too.

“Whatever- I’m fucking going to bed.” Katsuki pushed past you, and you could only gawk as he disappeared down the hall and into his room.

It wasn’t supposed to go like this, you were meant to be with him, it had been the two of you for years! Why were you such a fucking idiot! Katsuki was fuming even as he hugged the pillow he’d stolen from your room, how dare Deku come back and steal you! Still, the nagging thought that coming back to the two of you… had felt like home wouldn’t get out of his head and it was only making him angrier.

“Katsuki? Izuku went back to his apartment, do you have any requests for dinner?” Your voice floated through his door and Katsuki opened his mouth to respond on instinct. No, if you wanted to be with Deku so badly you clearly didn’t care about him, and so he would stop caring about you.

“Katsuki? Please come out, I don’t understand why you’re upset but I want to.” You tried to keep the desperate tone out of your voice. It didn’t work, and Katsuki was biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself crooning in an attempt to calm you down.

“Okay… I’ll uh, just be in my room if you want to talk.”

This was getting out of hand, it was like you were living with a ghost. It had been three days of Katsuki ignoring you, three days of no contact whatsoever, and even though you had Izuku, and he was just… amazing, it still felt like something was missing. You actually didn’t think you’d gone this long without talking to Katsuki in- well since the two of you had met. But, it was finally the weekend, you’d have to run into him at some point, and then you could finally talk, even if he didn’t feel like it.

You were pulled into Izuku’s apartment before you could even knock, the omega giving you a deep kiss before quickly tugging you into a hug and rubbing his cheek over your scent gland.

“I missed you, Y/n! What took so long?” Izuku only pulled away when he couldn’t smell anything except you, and pride filled him when he saw you were wearing his sweater.

“Sorry Bub, I was trying to get Katsuki to talk to me but he’s still giving me the silent treatment.” You shrugged as he walked you over to the couch, something already playing in the background, and Izuku pushed you down without hesitation. You let the omega position you how he wanted, wasting no time wrapping your arms around him once Izuku settled down next to you with his head on your chest and your legs tangled together.

“You know… it does seem like he likes you, maybe you could suggest a triad? I know I wouldn’t object.” Izuku’s tone was so nonchalant you’d expected him to ask what you wanted to watch, not suggest bringing Katsuki into the relationship.

“You’d be okay with that? Really?” You hadn’t even considered that, you felt kinda stupid, honestly. Why hadn’t you- oh, right.

“I think he’s courting someone else, actually, I’m sure that’s why he’s being so weird.” You pushed any hope you had down when you remembered how much time Katsuki actually spent with Kirishima, and how close they seemed to be.

“If you say so, but I wouldn’t write the idea off, Kacchan’s always been good with surprises.” Izuku shifted to press a kiss to your scent gland, before he grabbed the remote and returned his attention to putting on a show.

It was Sunday, you hadn’t seen your roommate all weekend, this really wasn’t going how you planned. A sigh left you as you pushed open the door to your apartment, you’d been with Izuku for most of the day, and you were so, so ready to just go to sleep. You’d been exhausted for the last few days, and Denki kept commenting about how snappy you were and asking why your scent was ‘so weird man’ when the three of you had met for lunch. It was sweet how much they cared, but annoying as fuck nonetheless. You were wide awake outside your door though, almost missing the sweet caramel smell that leaked out until you had your hand on the handle. Your room didn’t usually smell like that, not unless-

“Katsuki-? What’s going on?” You pushed open the door to a very, very startled Katsuki, like a deer in headlights, really, and your confusion only grew when he was holding onto an armful of your clothes. “You could have just asked if you wanted something for your nest, but isn’t Kiri helping with that?” You closed the door behind you, and Katsuki’s eyes darted from you to the door. Fuck, you weren’t supposed to be home for another twenty minutes, you’d usually spend at least two hours at Deku’s place, why the fuck had you come back so early? Katsuki clutched the clothes tighter against his chest as neither of you spoke, you really still thought he was with shitty hair when all he really wanted was you?

“Katsuki? This is ridiculous- what’s going on with you? Why won’t you talk to me?” You stepped forward and Katsuki growled when you got within a foot of him, the sound setting you on edge and making you release a growl of your own on instinct.

“We’re gonna talk about this, I’m not letting you ignore me anymore, it sucks! It feels like there’s a piece of me missing-!” You stepped forward with every word, flinching at yourself when you heard your voice crack at the end.

“What does any of that matter? You have Deku now, the two of you are perfect together, you don’t need me anymore!” Katsuki yelled back, everything that happened the last day and the confused puddle that the state his feelings were in finally bubbling over. It was too much, he’d barely seen you and now here you were, reeking of Deku of all people, and accusing him of liking someone else.

“How could you say that? I need you, Katsuki-! I always need you! These last few days have been hell without you! It’s bad enough I have to deal with you courting Kiri, but now you don’t even talk to me and I don’t understand what’s going on!” Tears kept welling up in your eyes, and Katsuki dropped the pile of clothes on the floor, his hands balling into fists by his side.

“Because I don’t know- I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling!” Katsuki’s voice broke, and you barely had time to open your mouth before he continued. “I thought that we- that we were set in stone, and then I come back to you and fucking Deku on the couch and fuck that hurt! But it fucking- it fucking felt like home, and all I wanted to do was join you and I don’t understand why!” He turned around to wipe his eyes, and your jaw hit the floor as you tried to process. He wasn’t… courting Kiri…?

“You’re such an idiot- you couldn’t just tell me this?” Exasperated didn’t even begin to cover how you felt.

“How could I say anything? I was horrible to Deku in school because I couldn’t deal with my feelings, why would either of you want to be with me after how awful I’ve been?” There was no anger in Katsuki’s tone anymore, and the guilty scent he was putting out was just putting you on edge.

“You regret it though, don’t you? And I know you’ve worked really hard to be better, and you even go to therapy now-“ Katsuki snarled at the last part, he hated whenever you brought up therapy, but at least you weren’t yelling.

“We actually talked it over and… Izuku and I both like the idea of a triad with- well with you, if you wanted.” You reached out to grab Katsuki’s shoulder, though he refused to look you in the eye when you turned him to face you. You had to be lying, you had to, you couldn’t mean that and he didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing.

“Katsuki, you gotta talk to me, I can’t read your mind.” Your cards were all out on the table now, and your anxious scent was a dead giveaway to your feelings. What if you’d ruined everything? What if you’d gotten everything wrong- you were never good at guessing-

“You’re being serious? This isn’t some kind of payback?” Red eyes finally met yours and you could only nod, you still got caught of guard by how pretty he was. “Okay, I’ll join your shitty fucking triad.”

Taglist (pls lemme know if any of em r wrong)

@pasteldaze @hopeless-ro-simptic @ntngann @somerandominternetgirl-blog @ianem005 @lalaluvzen @antisocial-minnie @rogueofbullshit @hakunamatatayqueen @so-uncute @therealwalmartjesus @unlightedfool @all-the-kings-reblogs @cth-l

[extasiswings]

44 please ma'am the serotonin I need it

#44 "You've always felt like home." On ao3 here.

Eddie finds words difficult.

Most people assume that’s because he doesn’t know what to say or how he feels, that he’s deliberately holding back—but that’s not usually the problem. Sometimes, yes—words are difficult because they mean too much, because he feels too much, because cutting himself open for someone else to root around inside of him and risking them finding him wanting is terrifying. But usually—usually it’s that words aren’t enough. They so often feel inadequate on his tongue, insignificant. Besides which, words alone can be so easily tainted.

I love you, I need you, I want you—phrases composed of straightforward sets of three little words. Phrases that he’s said before, but gradually stopped. Because they’re not so straightforward in practice. With Shannon, as years went on, as they broke down, words became qualified.

I want you...but not all of you.

I need you...but I can’t trust you.

I love you...but it’s not enough.

Eddie doesn’t know how to say those things again without those connotations bleeding through. So he doesn’t.

Actions. Actions are clearer. Actions are solid. He prefers actions, prefers symbols, because he’s not limited by the boundaries of vocabulary. And yes, sometimes he still has to find words to use in addition, but it’s easier when there’s something concrete to ground them.

“There’s no one in the world I trust with my son more than you.”

“I forgive you.”

“That’s not going to happen to us.”

“You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.”

The problem is, he can’t seem to find the right combination of actions and words to get Buck to understand his real meaning. The problem is, even if he could fall back on one of those little three-word phrases, he’s not sure Buck would believe him. After all, he gave Buck the most important piece of him, Christopher, legal and notarized and wrapped up in an official bow, and Buck still only seems to accept the bare minimum notion that Eddie wants him around.

So, Eddie sits with his feelings—with love and want and need, desire and trust and faith—he sits with them for months after the shooting while he tries to piece himself back together and Buck dates Taylor. He sits with them when he backslides a bit after they respond to a call with a gunshot victim, when Buck breaks up with Taylor and doesn’t explain why, when Buck goes back to being there with him, with Christopher, all the time, his own apartment more of a formality.

Sometimes, usually late at night when they’ve been drinking, Eddie will look over and wonder if he shouldn’t just close the distance and kiss him. Pull Buck down the hall to his bed and strip him bare, put his mouth on every inch of skin and press love into him until he’s wrung out and gasping. It would be easy.

But. Buck—Buck has spent a long time as an object of desire, believing himself to be good for little else than whatever his body can give to others. And he’s gotten better about that, Eddie knows, but that doesn’t mean Eddie wants to risk sending him back to that kind of thinking. He doesn’t want to give Buck any reason to ever question what he wants from him.

So, no. It can’t be a seduction. Not unless Buck initiates it, and even then he has to handle it right.

It has to be right. Buck deserves that.

In the end, though, it all comes back to the shooting. Which seems…fitting.

***

Buck doesn’t know why Eddie’s suddenly decided to be cryptic as anything. Of course he can have his own plans and they’re not joined at the hip, but Eddie usually does at least tell him things, especially when he’s asking him to watch Christopher. But instead, Eddie’s been vague, on two different occasions just saying that he has an appointment and vanishing for several hours. It’s weird, but when Buck hesitantly asks if Eddie’s back in therapy, Eddie shakes his head, gives him a small smile, and assures him that he’s fine.

So, then, Buck wonders if Eddie’s dating again. And the thought of that—well.

He’s been doing better, is the thing. He knows he belongs, that he has a life in LA and a place with Eddie and Christopher and that Eddie’s not going to show him the door if he gets another girlfriend. Buck knows that. He’s come a long way.

But the idea still makes him feel…sick. Like he missed his chance. Because he’s been waiting and waiting and waiting to be better, to be able to think about being with Eddie in the way he really wants without panic closing his throat as his mind takes him back to standing on a street covered in blood. He’s been waiting for Eddie to be in a better place too.

He thought they had time. He thought he had more time.

He doesn’t know how to ask though. So he doesn’t, just lets it grate at him, itching under his skin. At least, until he happens to look over in the locker room at the right moment a month later to see—

“What’s that?”

Eddie turns his head as he shrugs his uniform shirt on.

“What’s what?”

“That—” Buck can’t help himself from closing the space, tugging the unbuttoned fabric aside to get a closer look at the large swath of black and grey over Eddie’s upper chest.

It’s a sunflower on a diamond backdrop, the stem growing up from the bottom point. The style of the petals makes them look almost three-dimensional and the center is ever so slightly raised, a byproduct of working Eddie’s scar tissue into the design. Buck swallows hard as he stares, his hand lifting unconsciously to touch because he knows what’s there, he knows it’s a scar, he knows because he watched it happen, held pressure on the wound. But Eddie’s not bleeding now. It’s just ink. Ink painting over scars and skin alike and shading the reminder of one of the worst moments of Buck’s life into something beautiful.

“When did you do this?” He asks, only to realize immediately. “Oh. Your secret appointments—”

“Yeah,” Eddie replies quietly. His eyes are soft. “It wasn’t really secret, I just…I was going to tell you when I figured out how.”

Buck blinks. When he figured out how? He glances down again and clears his throat when he realizes his palm is pressed firmly to Eddie’s skin, his fingers splayed over the tattoo. But he doesn’t pull away.

“Why—um. I mean, it’s your tattoo, it’s not my business, you didn’t need to tell me—”

“Yeah, I did,” Eddie says. He looks nervous, glancing away, his fingers leaping to his hair. And for some reason, that makes Buck’s mouth go dry.

“Why?” He manages again. Eddie’s tongue peeks out to wet his lips and Buck can’t quite stop himself from watching.

“Because it’s for you,” Eddie admits finally. “It’s you.”

Buck goes still and meets Eddie’s eyes.

…and of course, that’s when the alarm goes off.

***

It’s a long, hectic shift, with very little time to talk. Which, for once Eddie is grateful for. It’s a conversation he’s prepared to have, but not in public. Not at the station. So when Buck lingers in the locker room as they’re changing to leave, shooting him glances, Eddie bites his lip and looks back.

“Meet me at home?” He asks. And Buck sucks in a startled breath, his gaze searching for a moment before he nods.

“Okay. Yeah. I’ll meet you…at home.”

Christopher is still at school so they have a little time once Eddie walks through his front door to Buck sitting on the couch, staring at his hands and lost in thought. Eddie doesn’t say anything at first, just goes through the motions, slipping his shoes off by the door and dropping his keys in the bowl next to it. And then he sits next to Buck on the couch and waits.

“You said…it was for me?” Buck says finally.

Eddie’s tongue traces the edges of his teeth as nerves shake up his stomach.

“Yeah.”

“You haven’t covered any of your other scars,” Buck points out.

“I know,” Eddie replies.

“So…why?”

Eddie bites his lip and shrugs. “Because I hate that one. And so do you. And because the best part I remember from that day is you telling me that you had me and that everything would be okay. Because I believed that then and I believe it now. Because I wanted—”

He cuts off and clears his throat. He doesn’t know where that sentence goes. He wanted something permanent? Wanted the symbol?

Buck finally looks up from his hands.

“You asked me to meet you at home,” he says. “But you didn’t say…your home. You just said home”

Words are difficult. But these ones are easy.

“You’ve always felt like home,” Eddie replies. “Wherever you are—this place—”

“I’m in love with you,” Buck blurts out, and Eddie’s heart skips.

Finally. Finally.

“Well that’s convenient. Since…I am, too.” Those words are easy and Buck surges forward and kisses him. Eddie presses into it, relief coursing through him.

“Your lease is up soon, isn’t it?” He asks breathlessly when Buck pulls back.

“Yeah,” Buck replies. “Why?”

Eddie kisses him again. “Don’t renew it,” he mumbles against Buck’s lips.

“No?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No. Stay.”

Some words are easy.

[sunmoonandeddie]

feelings are fatal (18/24)

pairing: bucky barnes x reader, past steve rogers x reader

word count: 3,655

summary: After the events of Endgame, you struggle to come to terms with what you’ve lost, though you’re learning that you still have something to gain.

chapter warnings: swearing, violence, being stood up

masterlist

a/n: This is part two of my blog birthday surprise!

Bucky’s face was set in a fierce scowl as he stormed into the new Compound, fighting every urge he had to punch a hole into the wall with his vibranium fist.

Actually, no. He’d use his flesh one. Just to prove he fucking could.

And just because he needed to get out some anger.

Except, he didn’t think it would diminish the fury he felt.

Because yeah, he was fucking pissed. He was pissed at himself, he was pissed at you for listening to him (which just came back to being pissed at himself), and he was pissed at every fucking bad guy that had dared to ever cross his path.

“Bucky? Buck!” Sam called out when he saw him enter. He’d been on a run and his phone had been off, so he had no idea about what had happened. “Buck, man, what’s going on?” He asked as he wiped the sweat from his brow, running after him.

“They got her,” Bucky said, his voice a low growl.

The way that Sam’s heart sank inside of his chest was written across his face. “No. No. Fuck.” He fell into stride with Bucky immediately. “Tell me what happened. Every detail.”

Everything in Bucky’s head was going haywire. All his therapy appointments, everything Dr. Raynor had ever told him disappeared.

Because all that mattered was getting you back, and he didn’t care who the fuck he had to hurt to do it.

So he did his best to lay out everything just as it had happened, though he didn’t go into… full detail about your little attempt to hide in some random van. His protectiveness reared his head at the thought of spilling the details of what you two had done in private.

A gentleman never kisses and tells, after all.

Especially not if he wanted to kiss and kiss again.

And, oh, did he wanna kiss again.

But he wouldn’t get to unless he got you back.

“Okay, first things first, we need to call the whole team in,” Sam said, already calling out to FRIDAY to alert everyone.

“I can’t think. I can’t think. I CAN’T THINK!” Bucky screamed, his face red as his flesh fist hit a glass window that looked out onto the gym. He barely even recognized that it had shattered, or that there were now agents looking at him like he was crazy.

“UNCLE BUCKY!”

Freezing in his tracks, his heart stopped when he saw Morgan running towards him, holding her stuffed Iron Man plush. “H-Hey… Hey, Morgan,” he said as he crouched down, catching the littlest Stark in his arms. “Did you guys all make it home safe?”

The little girl’s hands fisted in his shirt as she held onto him. “Yeah, but mama said all my friends and everyone is gonna stay the night here,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

Bucky knew what that meant. Pepper thought it was too dangerous for them to go home.

“Uncle Bucky, where’s Auntie?” Morgan asked after a moment, pulling back to look at him with those eyes that were just like her father’s.

“She is… She’s…” Bucky broke off, not sure how to tell her. How could he tell her that he’d failed her? He hadn’t kept you safe. “We’re going to get her back, okay? And she’s gonna be safe and sound.”

She nodded, her lower lip wobbling. “C-Can you give this to her when you find her?” She asked, her voice barely audible as she held out the Iron Man plush. “S-She didn’t have it with her when she went missing…”

“You know what, Mo? You’re so very right,” he said as he squeezed her close. Kissing her forehead, he fought back a wave of tears. “And I bet she’d really appreciate soft pillows in her room and maybe some homemade cookies when she gets back. Do you think you and your friends would be willing to make some cookies?”

The little girl needed something to focus on for the time being, and it was the least he could do. If she didn’t have something… Well. He really didn’t think she’d be able to handle losing you so soon after losing both Natasha and her father.

Though he didn’t think any of them would survive it if you were hurt beyond repair.

As soon as she was gone, the pissed off look came back over his face.

“Bucky?” Wanda breathed out as she entered, holding Vision’s hand. “What happened?”

“She was taken from the Coney Island aquarium,” Sam said, already having booted up all the tech that could possibly help them find you.

The witch looked horrified, her eyes focused on the super soldier. Like she was reading his mind, seeing the memories and what he’d gone through just earlier that day. Felt the anguish that he’d felt when he’d realized she wasn’t at their meeting spot. “Well… Guess that means we’re just gonna have to get her back.”

The doors suddenly opened, and everyone turned to see Steve Rogers storming in, Peggy following close behind.

“Where the hell is she?” The elderly man demanded, looking livid.

“We came as soon as Pepper called,” Peggy said, unable to keep up with the aging super soldier.

A frown covered Sam’s face as he glanced at Bucky. “Did you know Pepper called them?”

He shook his head, his fists clenching. He didn’t know where this was going, but he didn’t like it. At all.

Sure enough, Steve was still barreling straight for him. “What the fuck did you do?!” He shouted as he shoved at his former best friend. “Huh?! Where is she?! How the fuck could you lose her?!”

That… That shame, that self-loathing, was rising higher and higher in Bucky’s chest. Even as Steve was shoving and spitting at him in his anger—still incredibly strong even for his age—he didn’t fight back.

Because he was right. He’d lost you. It was his fault.

“HEY! HEY!” Sam shouted as he got between them and pushed back at Steve, making him stumble back away from him. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! How fucking dare you. You don’t get to fucking yell at him like that.” He was staring him down, unwavering.

And Bucky had realized it before, but it was hitting him all over again just how much he loved Sam, and just how much Sam loved him. They might not say it much, but they were best friends.

Sam believed in him, trusted him, even when Bucky couldn’t trust himself.

Even when Bucky was possibly at fault for losing you.

Steve looked shocked, blue eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Peggy had gone silent beside him.

“You don’t get to say shit when she almost died because of you. How many times did you send her out on her own when we were on the run without telling anyone else?” Sam bit out, half turned towards Steve and half turned towards Bucky. “Did you ever tell him about the other times? After we dropped Bucky off in Wakanda so he could get Hydra’s programming out of his head?”

Tensing up, Bucky’s eyes flickered between the two. “What do you mean? What other times?” He took a step towards Steve. “It was just the grocery run time, right? And you… you told me it wouldn’t happen again. You just weren’t thinking.”

Everyone except for Sam was looking at Steve in alarm, in horror. They knew that he’d neglected you for his Captain America duties, but sending you into dangerous situations on your own more than once?

“You said you wouldn’t say anything,” Steve said, his tone even as he glanced down at the ground and then back up.

“No, I told her that I wouldn’t say anything because she begged Natasha and me not to. Because she loved you enough to wanna protect you, to hide the shitty way you treated her. Because she knew how your friendship with Bucky would suffer if he knew what you did,” Sam shot back. “But you know what? You don’t deserve protecting anymore.” Running his hands over his head, his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. His deep, earthy brown eyes were glassy as he stared at the man that he’d followed into the line of fire, the man that he’d become a criminal for. “And just because we’ve forgiven you for abandoning us, for abandoning her, doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten. You better check yourself before you ever come at any one of us again like that again.”

Bucky knew how much Sam considered you a part of his family, having taken you to visit his own family in New Orleans. And Steve should’ve remembered that Sam defended the people he loved tooth and nail.

Sometimes he just forgot that he was included on that list.

He pulled the man away from the group of people and into a random tech room, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “You didn’t have to do that,” he said, voice trembling. “I… Thank you. For defending me.”

“Hey, man,” Sam said quietly as he seemed to peer right into his soul. “I know we had a rough start, but you’re my best friend. And shit, you’ve done the same for me before…” He eyed him for a moment, leaning back against a desk. “We’re gonna find her, you know. There’s nowhere we won’t look, no stone that won’t get unturned.”

Bucky sniffed as he suddenly felt a wave of despair come over him. “What if we never do? What if… What if I’ve lost her forever?” The centurion let out a broken sob as he fell to his knees, the pain taking over his body. “Oh, God… Oh, God… S-Sammy, I can’t lose her again. I can’t do it, I won’t survive.”

The handsome man immediately crouched in front of him, grabbing his face. “Hey! Hey!” He said sternly, getting him to look into his eyes. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep blaming yourself, and yeah, I know that’s all that’s been going through your head because you always blame yourself.” Sam took in a deep breath, intentionally sucking Bucky into their usual panic exercise where they worked to match their breathing. “So, what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna take a few minutes to calm down, okay? And then, once we’ve gathered ourselves, we’re gonna figure out where our girl is and we’re gonna kick any asses that even try to get in the way of us bringing her home.”

“Tonight was… Tonight was fun,” you said softly as you stepped into the cold, dark lobby of the Avengers Tower. The flower stall was shut down, as well as the coffee shop. The night guard stationed to your right gave a small nod of acknowledgement as you two headed for the elevator.

It was late. Really late.

But it had been a really good eleventh date, and you hadn’t wanted to go home, and neither had Steve, and so you two had gone from dinner and a movie to a late night stroll through Central Park. For your first date in public, it had gone… really well.

Of course, you could’ve done without the constantly being stopped by random people so they could get a selfie or an autograph from Captain America.

That was the price you paid, though. And considering how well the date went, you supposed you couldn't complain.

Though, you didn’t blame them. Steve was… beautiful. More than beautiful.

Sometimes you could ignore the aching in your heart that you felt for someone else when you were looking into his eyes.

“It was,” Steve chuckled as his right hand touched yours where it rested on the inside of his left elbow. He hit the top floor that the main elevator would take you to, the one that only the team had clearance to get to without getting special permission.

The elevator music filled the silence as you tentatively leaned your head against his shoulder.

“Maybe we could… have a drink?” He suggested faintly in your ear, taking in the scent of your shampoo.

Playfully gasping, your free hand moved to rest on his broad chest as you looked at him. “Mr. Rogers, are you attempting to give a nineteen-year-old alcohol?” You asked like a properly scandalized southern belle.

Steve groaned dramatically, leaning his head against yours in a show of affection you hadn’t exactly been expecting. “Doll, are you teasing me?” He asked, sounding a little breathless. “Because I just… still don’t want this date to end…”

You two had come a very, very long way from yelling and insulting each other on that fateful mission just a few weeks ago.

It amazed you just how many dates you’d been on in a little under a month. But Steve had asked you to go on a date when you’d gotten back to the Tower from your mission, and then proceeded to have that date thirty minutes later in the form of turning on a movie and laying out a picnic blanket with a bunch of pillows and food.

It had been sweet, especially when he’d propped you up against the pillows and carefully massaged your hurt ankle, going from your yellow painted toes up to your calf. His strong hands worked your muscles, undoing knots you didn’t even know you had. You two had fallen asleep there together, and you’d woken up together, his arms around you and your head on his chest.

And he’d asked you to go on another date with him, which had happened two days later.

It had been a series of dates happening every other night if not every night sometimes, a whirlwind courtship.

And you wouldn’t change it for the world.

Well. Actually…

No. You weren’t in the Red Room anymore, and the Soldat had never truly been yours.

The Soldat most likely just felt sorry for you, another little girl in a line of little girls trying their best to not be executed before they turned eighteen.

You were here now, at the Avengers Tower, with Steve Rogers nosing at your hair and holding you close enough that you could smell his aftershave.

And he wanted to have a drink with you.

This was someone you could have, someone you could love. Hell, you’d be lying if you tried to say you weren’t already falling for him. But not only were you falling for him, but he could fall for you and truly be with you.

Something you’d never gotten with the Soldat.

Granted, part of that was probably (definitely) your age. But your point still stood strong.

The strong, calloused hand on your hip tightened as you nodded, turning your head to press your nose against his cheek. “I’d really like that… A drink… and for this date to not end…” Your hand on his chest drifted down just a little, teasing his abdomen. “Maybe we could put on a movie… or some of those jazz albums you have…”

The chuckle that tickled your ear was dark and breathy, and you felt a kiss against your temples. “That sounds perfect.”

As soon as the elevator doors opened, he whisked you towards the second elevator that took you up to the third floor up. Thankfully, no one on the team was around to see you two rushing through the common area. Your heels clicked against the tiled floors as he led you to the end, where his door awaited the two of you.

You’d been to his room before, though sometimes you forgot just how big it was.

Definitely bigger than yours.

“How come your room is so much bigger than mine?” You whined as he let go of you to throw a record on his little turntable before sauntering over to the mini bar he kept. “And you can’t even get drunk on normal liquor.”

“I mean… I usually just have Asgardian mead stocked up…,” he admitted sheepishly as he reached into the mini fridge to grab a bottle of mead and a bottle of vodka. “But I… I got some stuff for if you… if you ever stayed over… or just… hung out here.”

It’s sweet. Really sweet.

“Thank you,” you said softly as you sat on the bed, running your hands over the soft comforter. “I’ve never drank before… So you’ll have to make something you think I’ll like. Because I… I have no idea what… drinks…” You were rambling. And you were extremely aware that you were rambling.

And you were pretty sure that he was aware that you were rambling based on the smile that was spreading across his face.

He came back over with a lowball glass, holding it out as he kneeled in front of you. “Here we go… Vodka with cranberry juice and a little bit of Red Bull. I know it sounds weird, but it actually tastes pretty solid.” Steve carefully slipped off both of your heels as you took the drink and sipped it, watching your expression closely. “What do you think?”

“Delicious.” You couldn’t help but giggle, feeling a little like Cinderella. “Thank you…”

There was a heat in his eyes that you’d glimpsed before in passing, but now… The way he was looking at you made you feel hot and a little sweaty. “Doll…”

“Steve,” you breathed out, heart pounding. Soft jazz was floating through the air as he tentatively took the drink from your hands and set it to the side. “Please…”

The super soldier slowly pressed his lips to yours, guiding you onto the bed. “Is… Is this okay?” He asked, cupping your face before kissing you again.

“I… I’ve never… you know,” you said, letting out a weak laugh. You hadn’t wanted to admit you were a virgin, but well…

Baby blues softened as he sat up, pulling you with him so you were sitting chest to chest. “Do you want to? I’ll be gentle… I’ll make it good for you.”

“I do… and I know.” You couldn’t help but smile as you leaned in and kissed him, falling back onto the sheets.

An hour and a half later, you curled up against him, perfectly sated and ready to fall asleep right then.

“How do you feel?” Steve’s fingers ran soothingly up and down your spine, sending tickles along your skin.

“Sore… But in a good way.”

There was a permanent grin etched on his lips as he stole another sweet kiss, holding you close. “I meant to ask you this before we got back here… but I got nervous…” You could feel his heart rate increasing under your cheek. “I… Would you… Would you wanna be my girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” you said with a laugh on your lips as you rolled over to lie on top of his chest, smiling against his lips. “Yeah, I’d love that…”

You stared up at the woman in front of you, your heart sinking. “Madame B… I… I thought you…”

“What? You thought I died?” She asked with a laugh, shaking her head. Stepping further into the cell, she took a moment to look you over, to really take you in. “You’ve gotten fat, malen’kaya.”

“Don’t call me that.”

A familiar smirk painted her face. “You’ve gotten braver since you’ve been gone… How long has it been again? A decade or so?” Madame B moved to crouch down in front of you, grabbing your chin roughly in her hand and squeezing. “I got to see you on the news… Fucking Captain America, huh? Thought you had that locked down… Though, I’m not sure how your precious Soldat feels about it…” The demon picked up immediately on the way your body tensed, and you scooted back until you were pressed against the cool concrete of the wall. “You think we didn’t know? We’ve had eyes on you ever since you… escaped. Natalia, too. You were never too far out of our grasp…” Her thin, bony fingers ran down your cheek, before sharply slapping you. “Are you really so stupid that you thought you could escape us? I raised you better than that.”

A wave of indignation rolled over you, and you straightened yourself up. “You didn’t raise me. If anyone raised me, Natalia did. You’re… You’re a…” Everything you had suppressed while you were in the Red Room was coming back, building like a tsunami. Unable to find the words, you spit in her face, your chest heaving as you watched the way she flinched back in disgust.

Madame B suddenly slammed your head back against the concrete wall, causing stars to bloom in your vision. You could barely focus as she reached into her pocket and flicked open a knife. One of the ones you used to practice with in the Red Room. “You’re going to regret that,” she hissed, her hand wrapping around your throat and squeezing hard. Your hands clawed at her, trying to get her off of you, but it was like you had no strength at all, still weakened by whatever they’d injected into your neck. “I can’t kill you… We’ve gotta wait until your Soldat comes to rescue you for that… But that doesn’t mean I can’t make you cry a little.”

Your voice went out as she brought the knife to your face and slowly ran it along your cheek, slicing open your soft skin. The white hot pain felt like it would overpower you.

But all you could think about was the fact that Bucky would be coming to rescue you at some point or another, and he’d be walking right into a trap. They’d drag him right back to that chair they used to torture him, to wipe his identity away. They’d turn him back into the weapon he’d worked so hard to not be anymore.

And for the first time, all you could hope for was that he never found you.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Training Day

AMHL – Masterlist

WARNINGS: PTSD, domestic violence & abuse, panic attack, anxiety 

“I feel like you’re torturing me now,” Y/N groaned as she put the bar back down on the bench press.

Dick chuckled. “You gotta gain some strength before I teach you, otherwise you’re just going to hurt yourself.”

“You callin’ me fat, Grayson?”

His eyes grew three sizes and his jaw dropped in shock. “No, no, no, no, no. I would never!”

Then he jumped into a tangent about how beautiful he was and he loved her for how she looked and never wanted her to change, unless that’s what she wanted. And it went on and on and on.

Y/N finally took pity on him and started laughing.

“Dick, I’m just fucking with you.”

He pointed an accusatory finger at her. “That was cruel.”

But she only laughed more.

“10 pushups for that,” he demanded.

Her jaw dropped. “Noooo!”

“Yeah. Come on.”

She did as he instructed, knowing she did kind of deserve it.

Afterward, he led her to the training mats. They had done weight training for about 30 minutes or so, and Dick insisted that was going to be a big part of all this. He was right: some of the self-defense moves would only hurt her if she didn’t prep her body.

But when Dick turned to find Y/N standing at the ready on the other side, his tough-love coaching style disappeared.

She looked so small and fragile, clearly nervous for the actual fight training.

Sometimes Dick forgot that Y/N wasn’t like his family or his teammates. She didn’t graduate from field work to sitting behind a computer. Hacking and computer science was her first and only exposure to this life.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing. You just…look nervous.”

“I am,” she admitted.

With that, Dick walked across the mat and planted a kiss on her lips.

He stepped back with a smile, “Ready?”

She beamed at him and nodded.

For the next half hour or so, Dick taught Y/N all the basics of self defense: how to get out of holds, where to hit an attacker for the most impact, and how to prevent herself from getting injured in the process.

“Things are going to be quicker in real life. You’re going to have to get over the feeling of panic and calm yourself down enough to properly react,” Dick explained.

Y/N nodded with her back to him as she returned to her spot on the other side of the training mats.

But she didn’t reach it before Dick surprised her with a chokehold from behind her.

Before now, Dick had been walking her through moves step by step. But he clearly was trying to prove the point that she would most likely not be expecting these attacks. And he wanted her to get used to reacting to the surprise of it all.

Except…Dick didn’t think this training tactic completely through.

Dick hadn’t taken into account that his student and girlfriend was also a victim of domestic violence.

Since she first escaped from underneath her parents’ roof, Y/N’s had improved a lot when it came to treating and handling her PTSD.

It used to be so much worse.

Loud noises would throw her into panic attacks. People just lightly touching her without her expecting it made her jump feet away. Anytime she got a whiff of alcohol that smelled even a little bit similar to her father’s preferred brand could set her off.

Over the years, it got better.

Therapy helped. Dick helped – his whole family had helped.

But Y/N knew it would always be there, waiting inside her.

And in this moment, it decided to reveal itself once again.

Y/N’s vision blurred. All she could hear was her heartbeat making its way to her ears.

It wasn’t until her entire body was trembling that Dick realized something was wrong.

He let go.

But before he even completely let go, Y/N dodged away so quickly that she almost tripped over her own feet.

She whipped around, eyes so wide. Like a deer facing a hunter, fully aware it was about to be slaughtered.  

And Dick realized how much he just fucked up.  

Without even realizing what she was doing, Y/N slowly lowered herself to the ground, not trusting that her knees to not give out at any moment.

“Y/N,” Dick whispered desperately.

It was hearing how sorry he was already that made Y/N’s eyes fill with tears.

As soon as she was shakily lowered to the ground, she hugged her knees to her chest and hid her face in them.

“Can we stop?” She begged, as if she had no choice and Dick had complete control.

Her voice and sob was muffled by her knees.

“Yes, we’re stopping,” Dick immediately answered with a clear voice. "You’re safe. Nothing’s going to hurt you.”

But Y/N only nodded, not helping to convince Dick that his words comforted her in the slightest. 

Her entire body was trembling as she continued to squeeze her knees as tightly as she could.

Dick kneeled but didn’t move any closer to her.

“Can I…Please…Can I touch you?” He whispered.

But she shook her head.

Not because she didn’t want him to, but because she felt like she had no control over her body right now. And she had no idea how it was going to react to being touched again. 

And she was already mortified and confused and terrified.

“OK,” Dick sighed as he lowered himself to the mat as well. “I’m just going to sit here. OK? I’m not going to get anywhere near you.”

Y/N didn’t respond. But her body was still clearly trembling.

“Can you just breath for me?” Dick asked softly. "Deep breaths in, slow breaths out.”

She still doesn’t respond. But he can hear her trying to do as he asked.

Dick didn’t think he should say any more, worried that his talking was just making the whole situation worse. But then he remembered a tactic Bruce had taught him to console victims who were going into shock or scared of them.

“Can you count backwards from 100 with me?” He then asked.

“What?” She sputtered out, confusedly.

But it was good that she was clearly able to even process that he was talking to her.

“Countdown from 100,” he repeated gently. “100, 99, 98,” he started.

She eventually joined in.

When they reached 1, Y/N went quiet again.

It seemed to have worked. 

After a few minutes, Y/N finally stood up.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry,” she whispered quickly, but it was so quiet that Dick almost didn’t catch it.

The next second, she rushed out of the cave.

Now that her PTSD had calmed down, she was clearly embarrassed.

“Y/N! Wait!” Dick called after her in a panic and jogged after her.

When they got to the main part of the manor and Y/N reached the stairs to go to the second floor, she had flown past a very confused and concerned Bruce Wayne.

Dick paused when Y/N sprinted up the stairs with her eyes blood shot and cheeks tear stained.

“What did you do, Dick?” Bruce grunted, not even considering that it could also possibly be Y/N’s fault.

Dick sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. “I was showing her some self-defense…and I…I trigged her PTSD and she had a panic attack.”

“You need to be more careful,” Bruce reprimanded.

“I know, I know. It was stupid.” Dick already knew he messed up.

Bruce remained disappointed by Dick’s mistake.

“I’m going to go check on her,” Dick mumbled and passed Bruce with his head hung.

Dick returned to his childhood room, the one they always stayed in while visiting. 

The shower was already running.

He figured he should give her some time to herself and not rush into the bathroom.

Y/N was most likely crying and wanted to hide it from him. Even though she already realized Dick would know that’s exactly what she was doing.

10 minutes later, Y/N came out of the bathroom with a cloud of steam and a white towel wrapped tightly around her.

Dick’s heart broke even more when he saw her red, bloodshot eyes.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, desperate for her forgiveness.

He should’ve realized that certain things in typical self-defense training could trigger her.

Bruce had taught him to always expect the unexpected. And Y/N’s PTSD should’ve be expected while he put her under such a tense and rigorous circumstance.

Y/N hung her head in shame. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Dick.”

Her voice was so small, so vulnerable. Dick had to hold his breath to hear it.

“Y/N, you have nothing to be embarrassed about,” he insisted and he slowly stood up from the edge of the bed.

Dick wanted to go to her, but he was so scared of making things worse.

“Will you please come here?” He finally asked in a whisper.

She practically tiptoed to her boyfriend, while she held her towel tightly to her body as if it were some kind of armor.

As soon as Y/N was a few inches away, Dick gently tugged her onto his lap.

He was a very tactile man, and not being able to give her physical comfort was slowly killing him. And he felt utterly useless to help her.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed or sorry. I knew better than to surprise you like that. I was an idiot. What happened was my fault, OK?”

She nodded slowly.

Eventually his words would get through to her.

“Can you still train me?”

Y/N finally shocked Dick with her question.

“Of course, Y/N. Let’s just take it slower next time. I promise to be more careful.”

She nodded quickly, fully believing him and trusting him.

Now he put his arms around her, holding her to him tightly.

Dick had always been protective over her. But when she showed signs of being triggered, he went full mama bear on her. But that was also Dick as a person. He was so caring of everyone in his life. He was a big brother, a leader, a stand-in father sometimes even. 

But it often led to Y/N’s guilt when Dick felt the need to treat her like a piece of glass. But sometimes…she was. And that was OK.

“Wanna get to sleep?” He muttered into her hair.

She nodded again.

Dick carefully moved her from his lap and placed her on the bed before he stood.

Y/N watched with love in her eyes as Dick moved around the room and grabbed some of his clothes to give to her to sleep in.

What had she done to deserve him?

“I’ll give you a minute,” Dick told her as he handed the clothes to her. 

Not that he hadn’t seen her naked hundreds of times before. He was just treading carefully now. 

“Want some tea?” He asked as he walked to the door. 

“Sure,” she agreed quietly.

When Dick returned with two cups of tea, Y/N was already underneath the covers of their bed.

Dick watched Y/N as she took her first sip.

“You want to talk about it?” He was ever so careful in his tone, making sure it was obvious that Y/N didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to.

“There’s not much to tell,” she admitted with a shrug.

“That’s alright though.”

Y/N sighed. “As fucked up as it sounds, I sometimes forget about all the things he used to do to me.” 

She chuckled darkly, “Guess that’s repression for ya.”

Dick winced slightly.

“He used to grab me by the throat. Constantly. Because he hated whenever I tried to talk back or fight him with words. So he made sure I couldn’t talk at all. It was all about control.”

Despite being trigged and having a panic attack earlier, Y/N talked about her tragic past without any emotion, and it sounded so casually. She was numb to the memories, but the scars manifested themselves in different ways now – and that was proven today.

Y/N looked up when Dick hadn’t said anything.

She was taken aback by how he looked as if he was going to be sick.

“I’m fine, Dick. Really.” She insisted as she cupped his cheek.

It hurt Dick to hear these things more than it hurt Y/N now. 

“You were dealing with your past all by yourself long before you met me,” Dick answered. “But I just need you to know I’m never going to let anything like that ever happen to you again.”

He took in a shaky breath. “Even if – fuck – even if something happened between us, and we weren’t together…I’d still keep you safe. Do you understand?”

Y/N smiled.

Oh, Dick. His gentleness never stopped amazing her.

“I know that, Dick. I’ve always known that.”

Before he could answer, she added, “Now enough talking. Can you just cuddle me now?”

Dick laughed at her demanding and teasing tone.

“Get over here,” he pulled her into his chest.

Soon his grasp was so soothing to Y/N’s body that she reached the ultimate level of relaxation, especially after being drained from her earlier panic.

Y/N felt Dick kiss the top of her head before she fell asleep in his arms.

–––––––––––––––––––

ALL BONUS CONTENT CAN BE FOUND: HERE

[nocturnalwildflower]

hurt; asher adams

summary: y/n finally opens up to asher about suffering from mental illnesses and self-harming

warning(s): SELF-HARM, depression, anxiety, cursing, mentions of parents dying, trauma, asher being cute af (not a warning but prepare yourselves hehe)

wc: 5.0k

A/N (PLEASE READ): I hope you all enjoy this and I lowkey got the idea from my own struggles with depression and anxiety, and I wanted to shine a light on self-harm although I haven’t experienced it personally. Please do not read this is self-harm or depression is a trigger for you as the whole basis of this one shot is self-harm and depression and the demons you face. Remember it’s okay to talk, and if you’re suffering, PLEASE get help. This one shot is an in-depth reality of depression that most people don’t know about and the aftermath of a depressive episode

masterlist ♡ prompt list

It was no secret to the Baker family that Y/N suffered with depression and severe anxiety because of her past. When Y/N’s parents passed away in a horrible car accident when she was only 6, Laura and Billy had no hesitation when it came to adopting her as one of their own as they were best friends with Y/N’s parents. It became apparent early on that Y/N suffered from depression and anxiety due to the trauma she had experienced, therefore the Bakers’ tried everything they could to make her feel safe, welcome and happy as well as sending her to therapy. The majority of the time, Y/N had a really good handle on things and went years without having a depressive breakdown, however, this year marked 10 years without her parents. The closer the day came, the more breakdowns she suffered, and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder why her parents had to die that day.

Not that she didn’t appreciate everything the Bakers’ have done for her, but she couldn’t help but wonder how much happier she would be if her parents didn’t die in that accident; how she wouldn’t be suffering and feeling like the only release was self-harming. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone how she was feeling, so she just resorted to self-harm as a way of releasing the pain, which seemed to be working. Her thoughts were interrupted when Billy knocked on her door and peaked her head in.

“Hey sweetie. No school again today?” he asked in a heavyhearted tone. Honestly, it broke his heart to see Y/N suffer with depression and begin her spiral into a depressive episode. He knew that there was only so much they could to for her, which included getting her a therapist whom she sees off and on depending on how bad her depressive breakdowns are. Y/N let out a sigh before responding.

“Next week, I promise!” she said in a somewhat cheery tone. Billy knew that this was just a ruse to get him to leave her room, however it did the opposite and he took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Sweetie, I think it’s time we put in a call to Dr. Morales and get you some appointments set up. We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer like this … please consider it,” he said, and Y/N’s eyes began to fill with tears. She knew that things were getting out of hand if he was suggesting therapy again, and she knew it meant she was going to have to face her demons yet again. Her lip began to quiver before she let out a cry, burying her head into his shoulder while he consoled her. She continued to sob, not knowing how to control her emotions and letting out as many tears as she could to get rid of the pain, even if it only a temporary form of release. Eventually, she had calmed herself down enough to speak to him.

“Billy, thank you so much for everything you and Laura have done for me over the past 10 years. I know this is hard to deal with, having a daughter with mental health issues, but I’m trying so hard to battle these demons like I have all the other times, it’s just too hard for me to do this alone …” Y/N said while wiping away her tears.

“You’re not alone Y/N. You have all of us here, and we will continue to support you until you are better. You know how much we love you and you know how much you’ve impacted our life, in a good way, but I think maybe it’s time to be honest with Asher about it … he’s going to find out eventually, and maybe if he knew what was happening, he could help you through this with us,” Billy said. He knew that having her boyfriend by her side through this battle would help her drastically; Y/N looked at him with a sorrow look in her eyes before responding.

“I-I know I need to tell him … I’m just not ready for him to see me this vulnerable yet. I promise, I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” she replied in a raspy voice. He smiled before giving her a kiss on the forehead and leaving her alone to be with her thoughts. No one knew she had been self-harming, so it was easy for them to leave her alone for the duration of the day; she hadn’t done it in a few days, and although there was a small voice inside her head that kept telling her to just pick up a blade and do it. She waited until she heard the front door close, signaling everyone was gone, before getting up and heading towards the bathroom. Y/N inhaled sharply before she opened the drawer where she kept her tools, staring at the blade for a few seconds, contemplating if this was the right thing to do and thinking about what Billy said to her. “We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer.” They loved her and they had given her so much, so why couldn’t she just let this go and stop? She inhaled sharply before picking up a blade, bringing it to her skin, and cutting, letting out a small whimper as the blood began to come out from her skin.

-

Back at school, Asher knew something was up with Y/N. The twins kept telling him that she was sick, but she had been dodging his calls and texts all week. He knew something was wrong because even if she was sick, there was no reason why she was avoiding his calls; usually all she wanted when she was sick was to cuddle with him and spend time with him. He decided to pull out his phone and text her one last time to see if maybe she was in the mood to talk about what was going on.

Hey baby, I know we’ve barely talked at all this week but I just wanted to say that you’re an amazing girlfriend and I can’t wait until you’re better so I can come see you!

He knew she more than likely wouldn’t respond, which wasn’t like her at all. To his surprise, his phone vibrated, and his face lit up when he saw that it was Y/N’s contact. The text was just a simple “You too,” but that was enough for him to have some concerns … she was always one to use emojis for almost everything and would usually get upset if he wasn’t using them enough.

“Okay guys, seriously what’s happening with Y/N? It’s almost like she’s fallen off the face of the earth, she’s hardly answering any texts, and she hasn’t been to school all week… I know she isn’t sick,” Asher said as he caught up to Jordan and Olivia after the final bell rang. Jordan let out a sigh, knowing that it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was really happening with her however he knew they had to tell him something to get him off their backs.

“Asher, it’s just best that you talk to her yourself, it’s not up to Olivia and I to tell you what’s going on with her, it’s her choice on whether she wants you to know. I’m home by myself tonight, why don’t you come over and see her for yourself?” Jordan replied in a somewhat annoyed tone.

“Sounds good,” Asher said before getting into his car. He knew Jordan had a point, it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was happening with his girlfriend. He hadn’t told her yet, but he was in love with her and cared about her more than anyone even realized. The boys on the team constantly made fun of him for how much he cared about her, but now he was beginning to think something else was going on with her. Was she cheating on him and couldn’t tell him? Did he come on too strong and force her into a relationship when she wasn’t ready? Did she want to break up and felt like couldn’t say anything to him about it? These thoughts kept flooding his mind from the time he walked in the door of his house until the time he left to go hang out with Jordan and get to the bottom of this behaviour.

-

Later on that evening, Y/N was sitting quietly watching her favourite show when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. She already knew it was Jordan because he was the only one home that night, so she closed her laptop and told him to come in. He peaked his head in before opening the door wider to reveal her boyfriend Asher, angering her.

“Jordan, I said I didn’t want any visitors. Asher included!” Y/N said angrily. Jordan just shrugged before mumbling a quick ‘sorry’ and turning around to exit her room, leaving Asher alone in her doorway. She rolled to face the opposite side of the room in order to avoid looking at him, hoping that he would get fed up with her and leave, however this act did the complete opposite.

“Y/N, you’ve been couped up in this room for over a week now … You’re dodging everyone’s calls and texts, skipping school, sulking away in your room and shutting us out. This isn’t like you at all, what is happening?” he asked in a soft, loving tone. Asher wanted her to open up about why she was feeling this way, even though he knew it was because the anniversary of her parents’ death was coming up. He had seen it before, she usually got sad for about a week but was okay otherwise, however this was different and something he had never seen before; he has never seen her shut her friends out and completely isolate herself from the rest of the world.

“Asher go away,” Y/N mumbled to her boyfriend as she sat up, staring at him with a somber look. Asher moved closer to her, eventually sitting on the end of her bed and staring into her gorgeous eyes. He could tell something was wrong with her; her hair was up in a bun that looked like it hadn’t been taken out in days, her eyes were puffy, the colour in her face was gone and she looked like she hadn’t eaten in days either. He hated seeing her suffer like this and knew he had to do something about it.

“Y/N, please tell me what’s happening. I want to be here for you, but I can’t unless you open up and tell me what’s wrong,” he responded, keeping his eyes on Y/N.

“It’s been 10 years Ash, 10 years since I last saw or spoke to my parents and I can’t even explain to you how much pain I’m in because of it. I’m so fucking embarrassed that it’s come to this, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling and tell anyone how bad my depression had gotten, so I found another way to cope with the pain …” Y/N replied in a somber tone. She inhaled sharply before lifting up her sleeve hesitantly and exposing her forearm. Realistically, this was not a conversation she was prepared to have with him; quite frankly she never wanted him to find out and she was hoping this would all blow over before she needed to tell him. Y/N tried her best to keep the tears from rolling for her face, but they slowly started to fall from her beautiful Y/E/C orbs. She felt like she was being weak, risking her relationship with Asher by being vulnerable and showing him how much she was struggling.

Asher kept his eyes fixed on Y/N’s forearm. There was a slight discolouration where she had cut her arm with a razor blade recently as well as some faded scars further up her arm. He felt completely infuriated with himself that he let his girlfriend go through this alone and that she felt like she couldn’t come to him for help. He knew something was up when she never wanted to spend the night with him, but he blew it off because he didn’t want to pressure her into anything she didn’t want to do. He began to ponder about why she never came to him for help, until he realized that he had been so focused on keeping his endurance up during the off season and focusing on the next football season that he completely neglected her. Asher took Y/N’s hand into his, interlacing their fingers while gently lifting her chin so their eyes met.

“Y/N I’m so sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with this. I’m so angry that I let you go through this alone and made you believe that I wouldn’t support you. I want you to know that I’m still here, and I don’t plan on leaving. I’m here baby, you don’t need to hold on to this alone anymore because we’re going to get through this together. You have no idea how much better my life is because you’re in it, you have no reason to ever doubt this relationship and I’m not going to lose you because of your mental health,” he said, bringing his lips gently to her. More tears began rolling down her face as he continued to kiss her, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer to him. She gently pulled herself away from him before speaking up.

“Ash, you were so busy with training and I didn’t want to bother you with this because-” she began before Asher cut her off.

“Y/N enough. You and your mental health are much more important than anything right now, I’m here for you and we’re going to get through this because I love you so much it fucking hurts. Watching you spiral into a depressive episode is not something I want to see happen and I would do anything for you, you know damn well I’m not letting you go through this alone,” he replied with a smile. Y/N felt the butterflies in her stomach when she heard him say it. Those 3 little words. The words she thought she would never hear anyone tell her. I love you. She couldn’t believe that Asher Adams actually said that to someone like her when he just witnessed her in a state of depression. Y/N tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and looked at him with loving eyes.

“Y-you love me?” she asked in a quiet tone. Asher gave her a confused look and laughed.

“Who wouldn’t? Y/N, you are hands down one of the best people to be around and you always make sure everyone is always having a good time. You’re smart, kind, caring, beautiful … the list could go on all day. You have no idea how happy I was when you agreed to go out with me, and I’m so thankful for everything you’ve done to help me and how happy you’ve made me. Now it’s time to get you back to being as happy as you were when we first started dating. I’ll say it again, Y/N Y/L/N I fucking love you, despite the demons you are currently battling” he said in a soothing voice, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers again. Y/N gently placed her hand on his neck and pulled him closer so that he was laying on top of her. She had to admit that it felt good to finally have this burden off her shoulders and she felt so much better now that Asher knew the truth. He pulled away and looked her up and down before speaking.

“Why don’t you spend the night at my place? You’ve been couped up in this room for over a week and a change of scenery might be good, plus if you’re up for it we could talk about all of this. Like I said Y/N, we’re going to get through this together because I love you,” he said in a soft tone, caressing her cheek and leaning in for one more small kiss. Y/N looked at him with loving eyes and smiled before she responded.

“I love you too … please take me home with you, that’s all I want right now babe,” she whimpered out in a soft voice. Asher proceeded to pack her a bag with everything she needed to spend the night at his place and grabbed her hand, gently leading her down the stairs and into his car. She had to admit that even something as small as leaving her bed made her feel better to some degree, but she knew this was only one small step towards beating this illness.

-

As soon as they walked in the door, Asher sat her down and made them both something to eat, making sure her meal was full of food that made her feel happy, however the smile on her face quickly faded when the food was placed in front of her. Demon #1: having to eat your first meal after a depressive breakdown. Asher picked up on this behaviour rather quickly and placed his hand in hers, grabbing her attention.

“I know it’s going to be hard for you to eat after that depressive breakdown, but you haven’t eaten in days baby. You need food in your system, please just try,” he said in a heavyhearted tone, earning him a half-smile and a small nod from his girlfriend. Truth be told, she didn’t want to eat; she was too embarrassed about what had just happened and was so emotionally exhausted to think about anything, her mind kept drifting and she kept thinking about how much she wanted this moment to be over so she could sleep the pain away. Y/N finished about half the food her lovely boyfriend had made for her, however this was more than enough to satisfy him, he was just proud that she tried for him.

After they finished eating, Asher took it upon himself to de-tangled Y/N’s hair from the bun it had been in before leading her to the shower and helping her strip down, knowing that she was too emotionally exhausted to do it all herself. He joined her in the shower, helping her wash her hair and comb it out, in addition to making sure her body was clean. He always kept a bottle of her shampoo, conditioner and body wash as his house, just in case she ever needed it while staying there. He made sure he had a warm towel for her afterwards and helped her brush her teeth; he picked her up bridal style, bringing her into his bedroom and gently laying her on the bed, staring into her eyes that were still as beautiful as the first time he looked at them.  

Y/N laid her head on Asher’s chest, eyes focused on the movie that was playing on the flat screen television in front of them. He was too busy admiring her, thinking about how much he loved her and how lucky he was to have a girl like her, despite what she was going through. Her breathing was stable and somehow, she seemed to look even more perfect than earlier; she was playing with the hem of Asher’s shirt and turned to face him, catching him staring at her. She gently pushed herself up, closing the gap between them and bringing their lips together when his hands found their way around her waist, positioning her body on top of him. Her hands found their way to his head, ruffling his hair up while he pulled her in tighter, moving his lips from her mouth to her neck while mumbling a quick ‘I love you’ and placing his hands on her bum, before she stopped him.

“Asher I can’t … I can’t have sex with you this just isn’t the right time,” Y/N said in a fearful but quiet voice. Demon #2: being intimate with him after he just saw you in a vulnerable state. She began to tremble and proceeded to let out a small cry, releasing the tears she was holding in and placing her head in the crook of his neck. He began to slowly rub her back and coo in her ear to calm her down.

“Woah Y/N, that’s not what I was doing my love. Of course I want to have sex with you and show you how much I love you, but right now if definitely not the time. You don’t owe me anything, especially not your virginity, I love you whether we have sex or not. Just come here, try to stay calm and breathe babe,” Asher cooed as he let Y/N sob into his neck. He continued to rub her back, knowing that the only way she was going to progress towards success was by letting her release all of her emotions appropriately and he continued to coo in her ear until she began to calm down. His shirt was absolutely drenched in her tears, however eventually, she had stopped crying, pulling away to look at her boyfriend before she took a deep breath and began to speak.

“I’m sorry Asher I-” she began before he cut her off.

“Y/N, no apologizing please. Are you okay? What do you need me to do right now to make you feel safe and comfortable?” he asked in a soft tone. She put all her focus into taking nice, big, deep breaths as he continued to rub her back until he was given any sort of direction from her.

“Just lay here with me and hold onto my tightly, don’t let go until I fall asleep,” Y/N responded in a calm tone. Asher happily positioned himself so that their bodies were in the perfect position, he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she sighed in relief, giving him the impression that this was perfect; they laid there peacefully and quietly until they both snoozed off.

-

The following morning, Y/N woke up alone in Asher’s bed, knowing he was downstairs making her breakfast; he knew she hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep due to her anxiety and knew she would appreciate catching up on her sleep. She sat up on his bed and stretched, rolling onto the other side of the bed to check her phone; as expected, she had a text from Laura telling her that Billy and Jordan had filled her in on what was going on and reminded her that she was so loved in their family. She smiled, knowing that she had a wonderful family that will help her through this and an even more amazing boyfriend what would be by her side through all of the struggles. She shot a quick text back to her mom thanking her, just as Asher came around the corner with 2 plates of breakfast, placing one in front of Y/N. She noticed that her plate had a tad less food on it than his, which didn’t cause her much anxiety given the fact that she didn’t finish all of her food the previous night. He sat next to her on the bed and watched in awe as his girlfriend was eating, free of any nervous expression and looking like she was actually enjoying the food. He stayed quiet and let her enjoy her meal in peace before he spoke up.

“So your dad called me … you know that this means you’re going to have to call your therapist and start seeing him on a regular basis again right?” Asher said as his girlfriend took a sharp breath in. Demon #3: speaking to a therapist for the first time and admitting what you had was a depressive breakdown. She knew that this was coming, she just didn’t realize it would be so soon; Asher picked up on her body language and gently kissed her cheek while moving her chin with his finger so that she was facing him.

“You know that I’m here baby, you don’t need to go through this alone. I promise I will be here for you to make sure you take that little pill every day … hell I’ll even drive you to all of your appointments if I have to. Whatever it will take to help you get through this,” he said in a soothing tone. Y/N had to admit that he was taking this much better than she thought he was going to, and she kept hoping that he was going to genuinely keep his word to her about being there through all of this.

“I’m going to call them on Monday and make the appointment,” she replied in a low voice, resulting in a grin being plastered on his face. Asher slowly closed the gap between the two of them, bringing his lips to hers and caressing her cheek with one hand, while the other snaked around her waist, pulling her in closer. He couldn’t help but fall in love with her even more each time she found a new demon to battle and knowing that with all the love and support she was receiving from her family she was more than capable of beating them.

“Y/N, if you ever feel like you don’t trust yourself to be alone please call me. I don’t care if it’s 3am on a school night, if you don’t feel safe being alone I will come and get you, or I’ll stay on the phone with you as long as you need to me. I’ve said it 100 times and I’ll say it again, I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Asher replied giving her a kiss on the forehead and holding her close. It still absolutely broke his heart that she had been going through this for weeks without anyone knowing and she was still too scared to tell her own family that she self-harmed; but he made her a promise and he fully intended on keeping it.

Throughout the day, Y/N’s mood seemed to improved little by little, although it wasn’t exactly where Asher wanted it to be, he was still thankful that Y/N was trying her best. The couple had just decided to lounge around Asher’s place, listening to slow music and enjoying each other’s company while Y/N opened up to her boyfriend a little bit more about what had been going on with the depression. He was extremely proud of her for finally opening up to him about her situation and he was grateful that she trusted him enough to come to him so he could support her. The couple was currently dancing around his kitchen, being natural and goofy like they always were.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited JJ, Spencer and Jordan over to hang out with us for a little bit later on tonight … if you don’t want them coming I can tell them not to,” Asher mentioned while he and Y/N were cooking dinner. Demon #4: returning to socialization with your friends after you have a depressive breakdown. Although this made Y/N nervous, she knew that it was something that had to be done in order to get her back on the right track with her mental health; she nodded her head and pulled her boyfriend in for a loving kiss, when they head the doorbell ring.

“Speak of the devils,” Y/N joked with a smile. Asher reciprocated the smile as he went to the door to greet his 3 best friends. Obviously JJ pulled her in for a friendly hug and made some kind of joke about how he feels like he hasn’t seen her in a while, not knowing the real reason; mind you, Y/N wasn’t ready for anyone else except for her family and Asher to know what was happening. The boys had skipped along into the kitchen and sat down, however, Jordan stayed behind and had a proud look on his face.

“I’m glad this happened Y/N. I’m proud of you for being honest with Asher about what was going on and you know we’re all going to be here with you when you battle this disease again … no matter how many times your depression comes back, we’re here for you,” Jordan said in a small voice so no one else would hear their conversation. She gave her brother a hug, muttering a quick ‘thank you’ and letting a couple of tears fall from her eyes. She gave him a smile as she pulled away and quickly wiped away her tears, taking a deep breath, and joining the boys at the table outside.

As Y/N laughed at one of the lousy jokes JJ made, Asher couldn’t take his eyes off her and was genuinely happy to see her laughing and having a good time, even though he knew that this boost in energy and confidence wouldn’t last all that long; he was just happy that in that moment, she was truly enjoying herself. He knew that helping her battle her depression was going to be an uphill battle and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he was planning on sticking to his word and staying by her side through this fight. He knew that his life wouldn’t be the same without her and all he wanted was for her to be better so they could move on to the next chapter of their lives together. All he wanted to do was help her beat this because he loved her, and he would do anything to prove to her that he was here to stay, no matter what it took.

[itsjustmyfantasyroom]

Past Hurt

This was a request from @faithie-brock-gillespie01 I hope you like it and its what you were looking for. I did change one thing around casue it just happened and it fit :)

Warnings: This does speak of an abusive boyfriend (as per the request) I tried to tread really lightly on the details of this type of relationship as I know this subject can be quite triggering for many (to my usual tag list, completely understand if you don’t read it) everything is under the cut so please keep scrolling if you think this will trigger you, I don’t want that 😘angst with a fluffy happy Nick ending.

WC: 1689

Enjoy x

Nick had noticed a change; you were quiet and what was a big red flag to him was how you were dressing and presenting yourself had changed. No light make-up anymore, your hair in a low lose pony tail and in the middle of summer you had been wearing turtle necks, shirts with longer sleeves and you were straight out the door as soon as your shift was over or he could see and feel your destress when you had to stay back for a case. He had asked you multiple times a day over the last couple of weeks if you were ok or if there was anything you wanted to talk about, but you shut him down every time.

The final straw for him to push you to talk was when you had gone into a convince store to question a witness about a house across the street you had gotten intel on, you hadn’t been focused since Liv had said you and Nick were going to do an overnight steak out the next night. He could feel the tension radiating off you during the questioning and half way through you excused yourself to go to the bathroom. When Nick finished the questioning, he went out and waited in the car. He pulled his sunglasses off his face when he saw you walking out, he frowned his brows as you walked towards the car, when some kids yelled at each other as they rode past on their bikes and you jumped, a tear rolling down your cheek.    

Nick couldn’t sleep that night thinking about how jumpy you were the rest of the day at the most normal things, like loud noise or loud voices in the bullpen, he wanted nothing more than to go to your apartment and pull you out, but he couldn’t, he didn’t know for sure what was going on, but he had seen enough to figure everything out.

You had stayed in the car when he walked down to the next block to get a coffee and a snack, back before you knew it. The car was silent for a long time, you both sipping on your coffee and eating your power bars, your phone buzzing over and over the only noise filling the car,

“You going to answer that?”

“Its not important” you muttered back taking a sip of your coffee.

“Must be if it keeps ringing”

“Nick, you need to drop it” you snapped

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

“There is nothin-“

“Enough with the lie, Y/N”

“Nick, I’ am not lying”

“Who are you kidding? Yes, you are. You have changed, I have seen all the red flags, I know what’s going on”

“Nick, you don’t know everything. There is nothing”

“Y/N, stop it. You need to talk about it. You need to leave”

“I can handle it Nick”

“Well clearly you can’t. I’ am your partner Y/N and you don’t trust me?”

“I do trust you, if there was something to tell, you would be the first I would”

“How can we work together with you hiding things. You don’t trust me with anything, because if you did you would tell me now and not lie or brush it off” he raised his voice slightly.

He saw you freeze, your hands started to shake and your breathing got heavy. Nick’s heart broke and tears came to his eyes. He sat his coffee in the cup holder taking yours out of your shaking ones putting it into the other cup holder and he put an arm around your shoulders. You tensed into his touch and you felt his hand go to your cheek guiding your face to look at him,

“Y/N, I’ am sorry, I shouldn’t have raised my voice. It’s me sweetheart, I got you”

You started to sob and fell into Nick’s chest, covering your face with your hands. Nick wrapped his arms around you tightly, and he kissed your forehead.

“Oh Nick” you sniffed “How did I get into this mess?”

You sat back off him, his hands grabbed yours and you started to open up. Months and months of horrible situations that had happened to you by the hands of your boyfriend. You showed him photos in a private folder on your phone, doctors reports emailed to your work email, parts of your body that had been hurt and had told him the times you had been forced to do things you didn’t want to do so he didn’t get physical with you. Nick squeezed your hand, tears running down his cheeks listening to you,

“I need to handle this” Nick muttered.

“No Nick. You’re not losing your badge for me”

“If you won’t let me fix it, you need to tell Barba. He will charge him, for everything”

“Nick” you shook your head and your hand went to his cheek, he leaning into it “How many men have we built cases against, Rafael takes them to court, their lawyers tear the victim apart and they get let off. It’s he said, she said. I don’t want to go through that, I don’t think I could”

“But you have all the evidence. I won’t leave your side; you can’t let him get away with it”

It had been 3 weeks since the night you had told Nick everything, you were staying in his spare room after that night. You both went to Liv the next morning and you were in Rafael’s office that afternoon prepping for a trial after he was arrested and charges were filed. Nick, Fin, Sonny, Liv and Amanda going to your boyfriends apartment the following weekend getting all your cloths and most valuables, which wasn’t much, he making you sell most of your things before you moved in with him. You hadn’t slept the night before the trial, tossing and turning most of the night. Nick drove you to court that morning, Rafael waiting for you outside the court room,

“I want to sit you on the stand” Rafael grabbed your shoulder “I now this is going to be hard today, so I just want you to sit and focus. I’ll be there and won’t let anything happen to you”

You nodded back at Rafael giving him a little smile and the three of you walked in. You walked up to the stand, Nick coming to stand in front of where the jury sits and Rafael was organising his paper work on the table. Your eyes were scanning around the room that you had sat in so many times, when the doors to the right opened pulling your attention to them and your heart stopped. Your ex-boyfriend walked in with his lawyer and you gasped when you saw the anger flash across his face like you had so many times before when he set eyes on you.

He started yelling loud at you, horrible, hurtful things that you had heard before as he walked towards you. Rafael yelled for security stepping in front of him and Nick rushed over to you grabbing your hand, pulling you down off the stand and he put his arm around you as he guided you out of the room and to the car. After the incident Nick taking you back to the station, Rafael ended up recording your statement so you didn’t need to be there and Liv told Nick to take you home.

The case ended up going on longer then you had all thought it would, but finally after 6 weeks it was over with, your ex charged and Rafael requested the maximum. You finally felt like yourself again, living with Nick was the best thing that had ever happened to you. You were running with him when you got home, he was teaching you to box, you were going out again with the squad and most of all you were starting to smile and laugh.

You had both come home late after questioning a victim, showering and going straight to bed to be in court at 9am with the latest case in. You had drifted off to sleep quite quickly, not asleep for long when you were shocked awake after having a horrible dream.  You screamed for Nick, over and over till he came rushing into your room with a worried look on his face. Nick rushed over to the bed wrapping you in his arms and you cried into his bare chest,

“Y/N, darlin’ its ok. I’ am here” One of Nick’s hands came up to run through your hair and his other running up and down your back “It was bad dream. It’s over babe, I’ll never let anything happen to you again. You’re safe, I’ll always keep you safe”

It took you a while for you to relax into him, but when you did, you nuzzled into his body more, your head going into his neck and your arms around him. Nick held you till you had stopped crying, hearing his heart beat in his chest calming you,

“Thank you, for everything” you sat up off him and your eyes locked with his

“Of course, Y/N. You have no idea how hard it was to see someone you have feeling for go through what you did. But seeing you get through it the way you did, made me fall in love with you. You’re brave and strong and I’ am so proud of you” Nick’s hand went to the side of your head and he gave you a soft smile.

“I love you too” you blurted out “You make me feel so worthy of love, you make me feel like me”

“Baby, you have always been worthy of love. You are so amazing, please let me show you when you’re ready”

You wiped your tears away with the back of your hand and lent over kissing him lightly on the lips. Nick let you take the lead, not deepening it but kissing you back gently.

“Your my rainbow after the storm. I love you Nick Amaro”

“I love you just as much mi amor”

 Tags: @alwaysachorusgirl @ben-c-group-therapy @lovebishoplosamiguelgalindo