#it be the people closest to you smh😮‍💨

[blazeturbo102]

Oh boy, my sister (straight cis ga) finally watched Stranger Things, and after S4 she actually asked me "Are they really gonna make him fall in love with him?" and I asked who she was talking about (and ready to give my Byler Endgame presentation), but it was worse, she actually said "Will. Are they gonna make him fall for Mike?"

Like ????? I was like, "Are they gonna??? In future tense???? They literally confirmed us he's in love this season???" and she seriously asked where did they say it, Im-

Why do people watch the show with their eyes closed and need everything spelled out for them😭😭😭😭😭

[enchantechante]

Day 4&5

tw: drinking, smoking, body dysmorphia

Day 4

Alcohol: 4 days Weed: 1 day

an okay day. the first full days ive been completely sober. 😮‍💨

tomms my wedding anniversary and ive been debating for days if im going to drink at dinner.

it's a really slippery slope to break my streak with the alcohol specifically moreso than the weed imo. (for my husband it's almost the reverse.) i can't do it confidently so i aint gon do it.

watching bae make small, surefooted is admirable and also hard to watch.

i remember when i broke my now smoking streak for a bowl the night before last (now, but what would have been the night of day 2) he said, "You have to let yourself feel those emotions."

that's been scariest part for me - not knowing who i will be if i feel these emotions. not knowing what kind of person, friend or wife sobriety would make me.

i may become even more reclusive and need more time with myself to sort out what i've been trying to substance away. and I deeply fear how that will affect the relationships around me and my ability to cope with those changes.

im up a lb and ngl that made me sad (judge me irdc lol)

made a chart of 5-30 min ways to naturally increase my dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin and adrenaline. havent used it yet but from my research i know imma need it.

Day 5

Alcohol: 5 days Weed: 2 days

its weird having breaks from work for hours and not smoking still. i just laid in bed scrolling for hours, practiced Spanish and went back to work.

most people like and welcome distractions from hard work. except me 🙃

smoking & drinking were uppers for me. my body would relax so much involuntarily that it would energize me so much. (at the expense of my liver, face, body shape, teeth, overall health etc).

down 2 lbs today and ready to discuss how body dysmorphia is showing up for me in my thoughts/actions 😬👍🏾

my relationship to eating ( es plant based foods) and hydrating is really great this week. (always is in January).

but i wld be lying if i didnt acknowledge preoccupation with my weight specifically drives a lot of my overall mood.

it took me a looooooong time to feel good about my body. but this sobriety thing resurfaces all my fatphobic fears and triggers from others.

im a healthy woman, so why worry about weight?

smh bc everyone aint body positive. and sometimes the people we love and are closest to are not accepting of all bodies. or even our confidence about our bodies. and being so...aware? these days, make me sensitive to mildly aggressive about body shaming. ive always loved confronting a bully. 🥰

ooh ooh bully me! 🙋🏾‍♀️imma show u how to shut the shit down 😌

so the fear of how my body is being perceived and what others might say makes me wanna ball up & protect myself all day.

spent a good 9 hours at least today wrapped in a blanket and in bed scrolling or on the couch watching movies.

im working on having different chemical and emotional experiences in my body to help re-wire my addict brain.

so i reached out to a family member with gratitude for them being a dancer too and wanting to dance with me! (oxytocin). and planning to go on a dancer date w her soon to take classes and learn choreo (endorphins).

proud of me for being brave, connecting, and at least a lil bit giving myself chances to feel good in diff ways again. 🥺 brave lil tae tae.

tw: drinking, smoking

Day 3 (Alcohol Sober) & Hour 13 (Weed Sober):

oct 2021 i had an (alcohol) sober three-ish weeks and wrote about it.

it could have been longer bc i like to start something a lil before i announce it and also i feel like i broke the streak and was on it for another day just to forget about it entirely.

so here we are riding the wave of "dry January" w everybody else

nobodys including weed? just me. okay.

ion wanna be sober for the month tho i wanna do like 90 days to 6 months and really see the fullness of the benefits.

ive been smoking for about 6 years now. and drinking (moderately, at least 2 drinks Mon - Fri and 1 Sat/Sun) since like 5 years ago. i think the year before that though i would get drunk when i drink - you hear me? drunk. that was the purpose of the drinking 😅

its been abt 12 hrs since ive been sober from weed.

and 2 days since ive been sober from alcohol.

by now i wlda had about 4-5 drinks and about at least a fourth a gram of weed if not half a gram.

journaling daily is really pointing out

-my dreams are more calm. and slightly more lucid atp.

-there's old stuff in my relationship from dating my husband that hes said that still haunt me? like girl - where did you come from?