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phantasticworks · 4 years ago

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If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Twenty

Thank you so much for the patience on this story. I promise I am not going to leave you guys hanging without an ending, it's just a long work in progress. I hope you enjoy this chapter! <3

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Words: 12.3k

Summary: Dan and Phil have an interesting "date night" at the BBC Fundraiser.

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, mentions of alcohol

Dan doesn’t know what to wear. He’s stood in front of his side of the shared closet, blindly. There’s nothing jumping out at him, nothing screaming “first public appearance with your fake fiancé in front of people who matter!” And he’s not sure what to do about that.

“Dan,” Phil’s voice filters into his ears. “Hello? Daniel, honestly-“

“Huh?” Dan mumbles in confusion, turning to glance at him. “What?”

“Did you honestly not hear a word I just said?” Phil asks, sounding exasperated.

Dan huffs. “I didn’t even know you were standing there until, like, now. So no.”

Phil seems to shift from annoyance to worry then. “Are you okay?” Before Dan can reply, Phil steps forward, pressing his hand to Dan’s forehead to check for a temperature. “You don’t feel like you’ve got a fever,” he announces.

Dan rolls his eyes at that. “That’s because I don’t,” he sighs, knocking Phil’s hand away. “I just can’t decide what to wear.”

Phil lets out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a snort of disbelief. “That’s what’s got you looking like someone just kicked your puppy?”

“Hey,” Dan whines weakly. “I just want to look good.”

There’s a mutter of something that sounds suspiciously like “you always look good,” which Dan decides to ignore. “It’s not that big of a deal, Dan,” Phil says when Dan doesn’t say anything. Phil flops onto the bed, staring up at Dan with a sweet smile. “You’ll look fine no matter what.”

“But... what if I’m too overdressed? Or what if I’m underdressed?” He crosses his arms, pouting. “Should we match? Would that look stupid? Would it look more stupid if we didn’t match?”

Phil sighs, opening his arms. “C’mere.”

“I’ve got to pick something to wear,” Dan protests immediately.

“No you don’t, we’ve still got like two hours before we have to go. Now come here and let me comfort you, buffoon.”

His tone leaves little room for argument, so with a very over-dramatic sigh, Dan consents, crawling onto the bed and flopping down right into Phil’s arms. They wrap around each other smoothly, and Dan tries not to compare the way they fit together to a puzzle or something else vaguely suggestive. It’s just nice, being close to someone he cares about like this. In a completely platonic way.

“You know it’s not that big of a deal, right?” Phil murmurs to him. “Like, I know it sounds like it is, but they’re just people, Dan. Just like us.”

“I know,” Dan murmurs. “But they’re people I’d like to impress.”

Phil kisses his hair. “I know.” Evidently that’s all the advice he’s got, as the room gets quiet then, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

Rather than stew in his own nervousness, Dan pats Phil’s chest. “Should we match though, seriously?”

There’s a lovely little crinkle to Phil’s nose when Dan glances up at him. “I’d really rather we didn’t, actually,” he mumbles.

“What, you don’t wanna go with the coordinated husbands look?” Dan asks, quirking a brow.

Phil rolls his eyes, before rolling Dan off him, going to sort through the clothes on his side of the closet. “I actually had an outfit in mind for myself. But I know you’re gonna make fun of me.”

Dan bites back the instant denial that tries to crawl out of his mouth. Clearing his throat instead, he asks, “Well, what did you have in mind?”

Phil grins, and Dan suddenly feels like he’s been baited. Before he can revoke asking, Phil fishes something out of the closet, grinning broadly as he holds it up for Dan to see. It takes approximately four seconds for Dan to study the forest green shirt to notice that the pinstripes, wavy and trippy at first, are actually little bamboo stalks, and the waves are actually tiny pandas. Dan huffs, making Phil’s grin widen.

“That looks ridiculous,” Dan informs him, sitting up and crossing his arms. “What blazer are you matching it with?”

Phil looks smug. Dan rolls his eyes. “I have the black one that might be nice. The beetle one? You remember?”

Dan vaguely remembers mocking Phil about a beetle shell blazer, but he only recalls seeing it once or twice, so he’s already dreading whatever it is that Phil is about to pull out of his closet. Instead of the flashy monstrosity he’s expecting, it’s actually a very subtle shade of black iridescent, catching the light just the right way to turn it a bit greenish. It looks undeniably attractive paired with the shirt and Dan sighs but nods. “You’ll look great,” he says, almost exasperated.

Phil grins before laying his clothes haphazardly on the bed beside Dan. “Do you want me to actually help you pick something or do you want me to leave you alone?”

Dan considers it, but allows a sheepish shrug to possess his shoulders. “As much as I appreciate your opinion...” he trails off, giving Phil an apologetic look.

Rolling his eyes, Phil nods and steps away. “Okay. I’m gonna go get ready in the bathroom, but you can come in whenever you need to.”

“‘Kay,” Dan mumbles, already standing to thumb through his options again. Phil brushes his lips against Dan’s temple before leaving him be, and Dan smiles at the fabric in front of him.

After staring at his closet for nearly ten whole minutes, Dan decides on a white button down, paired with a flowery blazer he hadn’t had the chance to wear yet. It’s a little flamboyant, a little loud, but he likes the attention, if he’s being perfectly honest. He doesn’t like the idea that he and Phil won’t match, but he notices that there is a subtle hint of green to the leaves in the floral pattern of the jacket, and he hopes that’s enough to make them look matched.

After tugging on some fitted black slacks, which are cut neatly to show off his ankles, he pulls the white shirt on and makes his way into the bathroom to do something with his hair. Phil’s stood at the sink already, combing through his hair with his fingers. Dan can smell the product, an almost citrusy note to it, and he smiles at Phil’s reflection.

“You pick something out?” Phil asks, sliding his gaze to Dan’s in their reflection.

“Mhm. I’m wearing the flowery jacket, the one I got from Topman?”

Phil nods like he knows which one Dan’s talking about even though they both know he doesn’t. It’s quiet for a moment while they both fix their hair, and when Dan’s done all he can in terms of making sure his hair behaves, he begins rifling through their drawers, looking for something else. It only takes a moment of his rummaging for Phil to get curious.

“What’re you looking for?” He mumbles, rubbing at his jaw like he’s trying to decide if he should shave or not.

“Mm,” Dan hums, not quite answering. His hand finally finds the tiny cylinder and he brandishes it triumphantly. “Ah-ha!” He announces. “Found it.”

Phil squints, clearly trying to figure out what it is. He watches intently as Dan unscrews the cap, and Dan catches a flicker of dawning understanding across his face as he brings the mascara spooly up to his left eye. Dan’s careful and precise in his movements, making extra sure that he applies it neatly, considering how long it had been since he’d had any reason to wear it. When he’s finished with both eyes, he replaces the cap and admires his work in the mirror, batting his eyelashes several times to make sure it’s not sticking together.

Phil’s watching him when Dan turns around. He’s got a soft look on his face, easing the slight anxiety Dan still feels about doing things outside the traditional gender norm. “Beautiful,” he says simply, reaching up and tucking a tuft of hair back into place on Dan’s head.

Dan feels his face heating up under the praise. “Thank you,” he says, surprised at himself when he manages to keep his voice sincere. Phil’s hand slides from Dan’s hair to cradle his cheek and he gives him a soft smile before his hand falls away entirely. Dan has to clear his throat twice to settle his sudden butterflies. “Are you ready to go?” Dan asks, his voice almost cracking towards the end.

Phil shrugs, pouting at himself in the mirror as he prods at his face. “I can’t decide if I need to shave or not,” he complains.

Stepping right into his space, Dan knocks Phil’s hands out of the way, smoothing his hand over his jaw slowly. He can tell there’s a hint of stubble from feeling of it, grainy against his fingertips. He hates that he kind of loves it. His eyes flick to Phil’s as he leans in, pressing his lips to Phil’s jaw and brushing them softly against the skin. He’s got one hand on Phil’s arm and the other on the opposite side of Phil’s face, thoroughly trapping him right in Dan’s grip.

When Phil shivers, Dan pulls away. “You’re a little rough,” he murmurs, their faces closer than before.

“What?” Phil asks, his pupils blown wide. Dan can’t help but wonder if it’s him specifically or his actions that did that. Either way, he bites his lip to hide his smug grin.

“Your beard. Little bit scratchy. Maybe just a quick shave and you’ll be good,” Dan tells him.

Phil nods, looking slightly vacant. Dan’s never really seen him like this, looking this affected by anything Dan’s ever done, and honestly... the thought of that is enough to give him a confidence boost like no other. “Alright, I’ll... I’ll shave and then we can go.”

“Perfect,” Dan says brightly, clapping his hands together with a smile. “I’m going to go find my shoes.”

There’s a mumbled response that Dan doesn’t quite catch, but he smiles to himself all the way to the other room.

~~~

“Remember, call us if anything happens, okay? I’m serious, Levi,” Dan says for maybe the fifth time that night.

Levi nods, his gaze flicking to the ceiling in an almost-roll. “Got it.”

Dan stands in the hallway leading to their front door, tugging at his suit jacket to make sure it’s situated properly on his shoulders. He’s getting impatient at this point, having been waiting for nearly ten minutes now. “Phil, come on!” Dan calls. He glances at Levi, who’s leaned against the wall waiting for them to leave. “And he says I take forever to get ready,” Dan mumbles, loud enough that Levi can hear but Phil can’t.

Levi laughs, which is what Dan was hoping for. “Should’ve put money on it,” Levi jokes with a grin.

Dan rolls his eyes but nods. “Honestly,” he agrees.

They’re interrupted by footsteps and Dan turns to face the sound, propping his hands on his hips and tapping his foot, the epitome of impatience. “What took you?” Dan asks as Phil steps into the hall.

He gets the answer unspoken, as Phil barely acknowledges that he’s even said anything, too busy focusing on attempting to tie his bow tie. Dan can’t help but sigh fondly. “I can’t- ugh!” Phil complains, starting over.

“C’mere, idiot,” Dan says, his voice incredibly fond. Phil huffs but steps into his space. “Turn around, I don’t know how to do it that way,” Dan instructs, nudging lightly at Phil’s shoulder.

Phil complies, and when he does, Dan puts his arms around Phil to grab the material of the tie. He presses close to hook his chin over Phil’s shoulder to watch what he’s doing to make sure it looks okay. There’s a soft noise from Phil as Dan ties it, and Dan smiles at the way Phil’s body seems to melt against his own.

“All done,” Dan announces, pressing an impulsive kiss to Phil’s neck before stepping back.

“Thanks,” Phil says, turning and smiling at him. Dan nods, straightening the bow tie a little bit as Phil turns to Levi. “Do you have everything you need? Phone, food, all that?”

Levi has a sort of thoughtful look on his face as his gaze flicks between the two of them. He looks a little startled when he realizes Phil’s asked him a question, but he only nods. “Mhm. I’ve got everything I need.”

“Alright,” Phil says, buttoning his cuff on one sleeve. He glances at Dan, his gaze flicking up and down the length of him, nearly making Dan blush. “You look good,” Phil tells him unashamedly.

Dan avoids eye contact, clearing his throat. “Thanks.” He flicks a curl out of his eyes, fiddling with his hair absently. His gaze flickers to Phil, who’s looking at him expectantly. “What?” He asks, deadpan.

Phil huffs. “Where’s my compliment, rat?”

Dan cuts his eyes at him, quirking his brows. “You’re really gonna stand there and ask me to stroke your ego?”

There’s an adorable pout on Phil’s lips as he blinks owlishly at Dan. “Please? I told you how nice you look.”

Rolling his eyes and looking away to hide the flush on his cheeks, Dan steps past him to grab his car keys off the hook by the door. He spares a brief glance at Phil, his resolve crumbling as he reaches for his hand. “You look amazing,” he says quietly, pressing a quick kiss to the back of Phil’s hand before dropping it. “Dashing, even.”

Phil grins widely, rolling his shoulders in a puffed-up, proud sort of way. It makes Dan’s chest ache with fondness. “And to think you made fun of this blazer when I bought it.” He looks well chuffed as he tugs on the cuffs of the jacket.

Dan takes a moment to look at Phil then, really look at him, and he smiles with a wistful shake of his head. “It’s not the blazer, bub.” Before Phil can respond to that, Dan turns his gaze to Levi, who’s watched the exchange with amusement. “Are you sure you’re alright?” He asks one last time.

Levi rolls his eyes, but nods. “We’ll be fine. Everything’s under control, I promise.” He gives a little salute in a bid goodbye, reminding Dan of himself. “Have fun on your date,” he says with a smirk.

Dan points an accusing finger at him. “Keep your phone on, okay? We’ll be checking in.”

Levi waves him off with a nod. “I know, I know. But honestly we’re fine. You guys can have fun, do whatever. We’ll be alright.”

Dan’s about to argue when Phil puts a steadying hand on his shoulder. He gives him a look and Dan knows he needs to chill now. “We know, Levi. We’ll be home around ten or eleven, yeah?”

Levi nods. “Alright. See you then.”

Phil waves, putting his hand on the small of Dan’s back to guide him out. He probably realizes that if he gives him literally any more time to procrastinate, Dan will either find a reason to stay home with the kids, or make Levi actually lose his mind, neither of which are preferable right now. Having already said goodnight to the twins, they make their way out the door, locking it behind them.

“They’ll be okay, right?” Dan asks worriedly.

“Of course they will,” Phil replies easily, squeezing Dan’s hip in reassurance. “Come on, we’ll be late.”

Dan mumbles something half-heartedly irritated under his breath, but Phil ignores him, which is probably for the best.

~~~

When they arrive at the venue the BBC had rented out, the event is in full swing. They’re not late, Phil assures Dan when he complains about their timing. Everyone was supposed to show up around seven, then socialize amongst themselves until the speeches and things started at eight. Most of Phil’s coworkers were already there, and Dan recognized PJ and Chris among a few others he’d been briefly introduced to over the past few years since Phil’d started there.

Another thing Dan notices quickly is how Phil carries himself in this space. He’s completely in his element, holding his head high and greeting his employees with a smile. He’s so... powerful here, if Dan’s being honest. He tries not to think about how attractive that makes Phil seem, seeing him take on this leader personality. It’s made more difficult as he’s led through a crowd of people who seem to part for Phil, smiling and nodding at the two of them like they’re some sort of royalty.

“I forget about the whole “BBC producer” thing sometimes, but god, these people really treat you like a king, don’t they?” Dan whispers to Phil.

Phil laughs, moving his hand to the small of Dan’s back to lead him to a table with some people Dan recognizes. “Maybe a little bit. It’s mostly superficial though- if they’re nice, they usually want something from me.”

Dan tries not to let that rub him the wrong way as Phil waves to the table of his coworkers, a bright grin on his face. “Hi, everyone,” he greets. “I’m sure you all remember my fiancé, Dan.” Phil rubs gentle circles against Dan’s back as he speaks, making his cheeks warm in response.

“Er, hi,” he says quietly, waving to the four people sat at the table.

“Phil! Dan!” PJ says joyfully, tipping his head back to smirk at them. “We were just talking about you,” he jokes, gesturing to a woman next to him. It takes Dan a moment to recognize her in this setting, but when he does- “This is my girlfriend, Sophie,” PJ introduces her with a bright smile in her direction.

Dan laughs. “We’ve actually already met. Hello again, Sophie.”

The brunette smiles at him, a twinkle of surprise in her eyes. “Dan! And Phil! Lovely to see you again. How are the kids?”

Phil pulls a chair out for Dan next to Sophie, taking the one beside him and next to a man Dan’s never met before. Dan smiles gratefully at him as he sits before answering Sophie’s question. “They’re doing really well! The twins are loving school and I think Levi’s made a couple friends. It’s still an adjustment having three of them, but it’s really lovely.” He’s close to saying more, gushing about how much he loves being a parent, but remembering where they are and who they’re with makes him pause.

“That’s wonderful!” Sophie replies. She must notice PJ’s confused stare, so she leans closer to explain. “They’re fostering Levi, one of the foster children who I used to have on my case list.”

“Oh,” PJ says, nodding in understanding. “Small world, huh?” He asks with a lazy grin.

Dan nods with a polite smile. He’s still a little uncertain about PJ and Chris for how they treated Phil before, but he’s willing to be civil tonight. Chris, who’s sat between PJ and the man Dan has yet to be introduced to, smiles and waves at Dan, who returns it with a nod.

“Dan,” Phil says, nudging Dan’s arm with his wrist. “This is Tom. He’s one of the technicians at the studio.”

Dan reaches over to shake his hand with a polite smile. “Nice to meet you.”

Tom nods at him. “And you as well,” he replies. He turns to say something to Phil, then, so Dan occupies himself with looking around the table for a drink.

“So, things are alright?” Sophie asks, her voice quiet enough not to disturb the others, having their own separate conversations in pairs. “Levi’s doing okay?” She sounds concerned, but in a way that makes it obvious she’s trying to mask the emotion.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan agrees with a smile. “He’s getting on well with me and Phil, the twins are happy to have him home... I think he’s doing really well.”

“Good, that’s really good,” Sophie says with a sigh of relief. “I worry about him sometimes,” she admits. At the panic that’s probably on Dan’s face, she shakes her head, waving her hands dismissively. “No, no, not that he’s with you and Phil, just... in general. He’s had a very hard life, and it was one of the saddest cases I’ve worked recently, so... I just keep him in my thoughts very often.”

Dan nods slowly. He’s trying to think of a subtle way to ask about their home life, but he doesn’t think this is the right place. Another vacant look around the table has him wishing for that drink all over again. “Well... I know he’s come out of his shell a lot since he moved in. We’re really happy to have him, though. He’s such a good kid.”

PJ, who’d tuned into the conversation somewhere during Sophie talking, tilts his head at Dan, smiling. “You sound like you really enjoy being a foster parent,” he says. Something about the emphasis he puts on the word “foster” prickles underneath Dan’s skin in an uncomfortable sort of way. He tries not to let it bother him, knowing that PJ probably didn’t mean anything by it at all.

“I do,” Dan says, tilting his chin up, almost defiant. He glances at Phil, who at some point has placed his arm on the back of Dan’s chair and is softly running his fingers through the hair at the base of Dan’s head. “I think we both really enjoy it, honestly.”

PJ nods with a grin. “I know Philly does, he talks about you guys constantly,” he teases.

Phil rolls his eyes but doesn’t deny it. “It’s my family, Peej, what do you expect?”

PJ’s grin only widens, as if this is fuel to his fire. “Oh, I know, I get it.” He turns to Dan then with a cheeky smirk. “He told us all about your Halloween costumes the other day. That’s such a fun idea, honestly.”

“Oh, what did you go as?” Sophie asks, interrupting whatever mocking remark PJ was surely about to make. Dan’s grateful for her all over again.

“Er, we did a Pokémon theme. The kids were the three starters, Phil was Ash.” He’s very specifically avoiding sharing what part he played in that theme, for obvious reasons.

“And Dan was Pikachu!” Phil announces cheerfully, tugging lightly on a strand of Dan’s hair.

Sophie coos as Dan sends a glare to the side of Phil’s face. Chris has engaged him in another conversation already, and Dan’s just left to sit there steeping in the hot water of embarrassment.

“That’s precious,” Sophie declares with a smile. “Do you have any photos?” She asks.

Dan wants to lie and say no, but he sees the hope in her eyes and he knows he can’t do that to her. Instead he nods and goes to fish out his phone from his pockets. He panics when he can’t find it, shifting in his seat to see if it’s slipped out somehow.

“What’re you looking for?” Phil asks, sending him a confused look.

Dan sighs. “I think I left my phone in the car. Can I see yours? I wanted to show Sophie our Halloween photos.”

“Sure,” Phil says easily, sliding it out of his jacket pocket and handing it to Dan. He turns back to his conversation with the other men immediately, and Dan nearly rolls his eyes.

Dan goes to type in the password, which has been 1987 for as long as he can remember, and he’s shocked when it doesn’t work. He tries it again, slower, thinking he’s somehow typed it wrong. Still nothing. Poking Phil’s side, he turns the screen to face him.

“What?” Phil asks, his brows furrowed.

“You switched passcodes.” It’s almost an accusation.

Phil looks guilty. “Er, yeah. Mia kept trying to download games to play and I finally just changed it.”

“Okay, fine, what’s the new one?” Dan asks impatiently.

“Uh, ten-nineteen,” Phil answers, already becoming distracted by some joke Chris is trying to tell, his voice slightly loud and obnoxious.

Dan types the numbers in, his mind taking a second to process it after the home screen has already appeared. His mind, still trying to process the meaning of the numbers of the new password, is overwhelmed again at the sight of Phil’s home screen background, which upon closer inspection, is a photo of Dan sleeping.

Dan flushes, trying to cover it up with a cough into his elbow. He clears his throat, tapping on the photo app and scrolling as he leans closer to Phil to speak quietly. “Ten-nineteen?” He asks. “Our anniversary?” He doesn’t specify which one; he doesn’t have to- the only real one they share is the anniversary of the day they met in person.

“Mhm,” Phil half-responds, still not paying much attention to Dan at this point.

Dan sighs, his veins thrumming with something nervous and excited. His hand wobbles a little with it as he turns the phone to Sophie, showing her all the photos they’d taken with the kids that night.

She coos and aww’s at all the right places, asking questions and listening to Dan’s stories of their adventures so far with the kids. It’s refreshing, to talk to another adult outside his immediate family about his kids and all the funny little anecdotes. PJ and Chris want to see the pictures as well, so Dan passes the phone around, beaming at all the compliments about how cute their kids are.

“Well we can’t really take credit for that,” Phil jokes, glancing at Dan with a smile. “But we really are so lucky to have such good kids.”

“Do you reckon you’ll ever have any for real?” Chris asks, a little invasively, Dan thinks.

Still, whatever noodle part of his brain that isn’t running on the same wavelength as the rest, chooses to ask, “What do you mean?”

There’s a brief, awkward pause, before Chris explains. Phil’s hand tightens its grip on the back of Dan’s neck. “I just meant, like... these are foster kids, correct?”

Dan nods. “Yes.”

“Right, so something will happen to them eventually and they’ll leave or whatever happens to foster kids, but will you guys ever have a real family?”

He’s not trying to be mean, Dan reasons. He just doesn’t understand the situation. Dan tells himself this as he blinks back tears, his heart suddenly in his throat at the thought of something, anything, happening to these kids, their kids. And really... really he shouldn’t be surprised. Obviously Chris isn’t entirely wrong, generally children are fostered for less than a year before they either age out of the system or get moved to another home. And then what? Will Dan somehow convince Phil to stay with him, to foster more children to build an emotional connection with? To get far too attached to, only to have those children ripped out of their arms the minute they start to feel like a family? To love like their very own, to-

“That’s not really an appropriate question, Chris,” Phil says in that strong, authoritative voice that he has, sending Dan’s train of thought to a screeching halt. He sends Chris a look, one that shuts him up right there. Turning to look at Dan, Phil’s eyes soften. “Hey, why don’t you call Levi and check up on them? Yeah? I’ll go fetch us some drinks and meet you back here when you’re done, alright?”

Dan nods, numbly. “Okay,” he says, going to stand on stiff limbs. He doesn’t look at anyone at the table as he holds a hand out for Phil’s phone.

“Here,” Phil says, leaning in and kissing his cheek once. “Tell them I say hello and I love and miss them.”

“I will,” Dan agrees before stepping away, scrolling to find Levi’s name in Phil’s contacts. He smiles a little when he sees the little wolf emoji next to his name, recalling very clearly the conversation Phil had with him, asking what Levi wanted his contact emoji animal to be. He’d picked a wolf, saying that it was his favorite animal, and Phil had immediately made a joke about Dan’s surname, as was typical of him.

He’s still thinking about that conversation when Levi answers the phone. “Hey,” he says, sounding a little hesitant.

“Hey Levi, it’s Dan,” he greets.

“Oh,” Levi nearly sounds relieved. “Why are you calling on Phil’s phone?”

“I left mine in the car,” Dan explains. “Are you guys doing okay? Everything alright?”

Levi laughs. “Yes, helicopter dad. Everything is fine.” Dan can hear the smile in his voice and it both eases his mind and squeezes his heart, a heavy reminder of how temporary this connection of theirs really is. “We ordered pizza and ate it in the lounge, just like you said we could.”

“Good deal,” Dan says, glancing over to see if Phil was back at the table yet. He is, but his gaze is on Dan. When their eyes lock, the older man smiles at him softly. Dan can’t help but feel a little warmer. “Phil says to tell you and the twins hi and he loves and misses you all,” Dan relays the message.

Levi snorts, not unkindly. “You guys have been gone for, like, an hour.”

“So?” Dan replies with a little laugh. “That’s an hour longer than we’re usually away from you guys unless it’s a school day. We miss you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Levi mumbles. “I’ll relay the message.”

“Perfect,” Dan grins. “Thank you. Are the twins waiting for you to hang up so you can play Mario Kart?” He asks knowingly.

“How’d you-“

“I could recognize the distorted sound of the Mario Kart 8 soundtrack in my sleep, bud,” Dan says with a smile.

“Right,” Levi sighs, a whisper of sarcasm in the sound. “Well I’m sure you’re having a blast at your charity whatever thing, so...”

His unsubtle “good riddance” has Dan cracking up. “Alright. I’ll check in again shortly, yeah? You guys be good.”

“Will do. Bye.”

“Bye, Levi,” Dan replies. He waits until Levi has hung up before he slowly returns to the table.

Phil is speaking quietly to Chris as Dan approaches, so Dan pretends to be distracted on his phone, straining his ears to listen.

“Look, I know you weren’t, Chris. But Dan’s... we’ve gotten really attached to the kids, okay? So just... choose your words better.”

Chris looks guilty, but nods. He’s about to say something when Dan finally looks up from the phone, sending Phil what he hopes appears to be an easy grin. “The kids are fine,” he announces, sliding into his seat. “They had some pizza and they’re playing Mario Kart.”

Phil grins, dropping his arm back across the back of Dan’s chair. “See? I told you they’d be fine.”

Dan rolls his eyes, turning away pointedly. “Whatever,” he mumbles.

“Here’s your drink, love,” Phil says, his voice taking on a softer pitch as he hands Dan a glass of what Dan assumes is some type of punch.

“Phil’s really got the parental controls on tonight, he’s even censoring Danny’s drink,” Chris announces in a teasing sort of voice.

Dan sends him a wry look. “I’m driving, actually. I’m assuming he’s just looking out for me by getting me something without alcohol.”

Chris looks immediately embarrassed. “Er. Right, yeah.”

PJ shakes his head at him mockingly. “When will you learn, Chris, when will you learn?”

Chris mumbles something probably rude under his breath, but Dan chooses to ignore it in favor of thanking Phil for his drink. Phil smiles, pleased, and Dan finds himself unable to care about the other people around them at all.

~~~

There’s quiet conversation for a few more minutes until someone takes to the stage, thoroughly quieting everyone down. Phil whispers to Dan that this is his boss, and Dan, in turn, whispers back that he looks kind of like a cool wizard, with his wiry white beard and round glasses. Phil pinches his waist.

“Welcome, everyone, I’m really excited to see the turnout for the evening. We’re here to support a very good cause, as you are all probably very well aware. Mind Over Matter, the prestigious mental health charity, and also the reason for tonight’s event, has helped thousands of young people struggling with mental illness across the UK. Tonight there will be several speeches made by some of MOM’s leadership, as well as some special guests invited on behalf of the BBC.” He pauses, probably for dramatic effect, and several people applaud during the silence. He grins before continuing. “Of course, this is a fundraiser, so there is a silent auction operating in the B lobby, just down the hall from this room, and there will be several opportunities for donations throughout the course of the night, in between speeches and presentations.”

He speaks a little more, but Dan mostly tunes out, most of it applying to actual employees of the BBC. Phil seems interested, and Dan takes a moment to admire him. He looks good tonight, with his quirky outfit choice and his freshly washed hair swept back in a perfect quiff. The index finger of one hand traces the stem of his champagne glass while the other rests against Dan’s shoulder blade, where he’s rubbing smoothing circles with his thumb.

Phil’s gaze suddenly flickers over to Dan, startling him. Phil sends him a confused smile and Dan shrugs sheepishly. It’s a wordless conversation, barely even a conversation at all, really- more so just an acknowledgement of the other’s presence. It’s nice, the way it fills Dan with a comfort, bone deep.

“And of course, Mind Over Matter has been kind enough to donate some of their merch, so be sure to pick up a gift bag on your way out, everyone,” Phil’s boss, who Dan vaguely remembers is called Greg, is saying. He clears his throat as if he’s coming to an end of his announcements, which Dan is secretly relieved by. “The presentations will start shortly, led by Mind Over Matter’s co-founder, and my co-host for the evening, Bryony Matthewman. Before she takes the stage, dinner will be brought out, courtesy of our caterer for the evening...” Greg trails off on another ramble, thanking the catering company and anyone else who donated or helped set the fundraiser up in any way.

“Bit of a shaggy dog, innit?” Phil whispers right into Dan’s ear, his voice deeply northern.

Dan flinches away in surprise at the closeness. Phil places his palm on the back of Dan’s neck and squeezes gently. “A what?” Dan whispers back, their faces incredibly close.

“A shaggy dog,” Phil repeats.

Dan shakes his head, uncomprehending. “I don’t know what the hell that means,” he says with a smirk. “I don’t speak hobbit language, or whatever the hell.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “C’mon. That’s a British thing. A shaggy dog?” At Dan’s blank stare, he huffs and moves imperceptibly closer, probably noticing the subtle questioning glances from their table mates. “A made up story? Or like a long story with no point?”

Dan blinks. “You couldn’t have just said he talks a lot or something? You had to go full northern?”

With another huff, Phil reaches up and tugs on the hoop of Dan’s earring in reprimand. “Hush.”

Grinning, Dan shifts his face just enough to brush his lips against Phil’s cheek. “You started it.”

“Oi,” Chris says teasingly from across the table. Luckily, the stage is empty now and a dozen or so people in white uniforms are moving around the room with food trays. “Stop flirting in front of my salad,” he says, gesturing pointedly to the salad that’s been placed in front of him.

Dan rolls his eyes as the waiter makes his way around the table, delivering salads to each of them. “Sorry,” Phil says, not an ounce of sincerity in the way he smirks around the words.

“Don’t listen to him,” Tom says from Phil’s right side. “He’s just jealous that he doesn’t have a relationship as cute as yours.”

Chris makes an indignant squawking sound at this, which everyone at the table laughs over. “I am not!” He protests.

“Okay, sure,” PJ says. He nods like he’s being genuine. “You’re definitely not a jealous bitch.”

Chris mumbles something scathing about what he thinks about their affection, but Dan’s too busy trying to manage his face-splitting grin to even process it. Phil tuts from beside him, but a glance proves that he looks pleased by the comment as well. Dan has a fleeting moment of disappointment; these are Phil’s coworkers and friends, it’s important for them to believe the charade that is their fake engagement. As much as some newish part of Dan would like to believe that Phil is happy about their perception of them for the same reason Dan is happy, he knows that’s likely not the case.

He makes a split-decision right then, watching that relaxed smile on Phil’s face. Tonight is a performance, the fundraiser their stage, Phil’s coworkers their audience. And for tonight, Dan would be the best actor he could. And as someone who had been a theatre kid in school, he knew the best method actors used real-life emotions and thoughts to enrich their acting. So for tonight, with their perception in the hands of his acting abilities, Dan would allow himself to indulge in those emotions to impress their audience.

As his hand falls to Phil’s thigh, he tells himself this is part of the script. That the way Phil glances at him, a raised brow, is penciled in as a blocking note rather than a reaction of surprise. He smiles at his best friend, the portrayal of his love interest for the night, and allows himself a moment without pretenses or a mask of uncertainty. If Phil notices the shift in Dan’s face, he doesn’t react.

Instead, he nudges Dan’s elbow with his own. “Can I have your croutons?” He asks, nodding to Dan’s food.

It’s not a line. None of it ever is, with Phil. “Sure. If I can have some of your cherry tomatoes,” Dan says, lips quirking on a grin.

Phil nods, smiling excitedly as he moves his bowl closer to Dan’s. They pick at each other’s salads, trading the things they like or don’t like out of each other’s bowls until they have what they want. “Is that cheese?” Phil asks, pointing to something.

Dan squints at it before shrugging. “I think it’s a lettuce.”

Phil pouts. “If it’s not I don’t want it. Will you take it?”

“I’ve got lettuce,” Dan argues.

Stabbing the mystery bit with his fork, Phil holds it in front of Dan’s mouth. “Please?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, alright,” he sighs, opening his mouth and allowing Phil to pop it in. He chews thoughtfully. “It was a lettuce.”

Phil shrugs, already picking at his food again. “Better safe than sorry.”

Dan turns to roll his eyes at Phil for their tablemates to see, but instead he finds them all pretending not to look at them. “What?” He asks, quirking an eyebrow up.

PJ shrugs, looking entirely too amused. “Nothing,” he sings. “Just funny seeing the two of you in action.”

Blinking, Dan shrugs. “Okay?”

Sophie swats at her boyfriend’s arm playfully. “He just means it was interesting to see how in sync you both are.”

Phil speaks up then, half-paying attention as he is. “We’ve been together for ten years,” he comments, almost off-handedly. “I reckon we’re as in sync as two people can be.”

Chris whistles lowly. “Ten years is a long time, innit?”

Dan’s not sure if it’s rhetorical or not. “Well, where were you ten years ago? Does it feel like it’s been a long time?” He asks him.

The man surprisingly nods immediately. “Forever ago, actually. Being in uni and drunk off my face every night with Peej. Feels like ages ago now.”

Not sure how to respond to that, Dan shrugs, taking a sip of water. “Well. I don’t know, ten years hasn’t seemed that long to me.” He looks over at Phil and risks being overly sappy, under the pretense of playing his part. “Not long enough, I reckon.”

Phil looks up as he says this, looking genuinely surprised when they lock eyes. There’s an intensity there that would usually scare him, but Dan refuses to look away now. Instead, he just offers a little smile. Phil returns it immediately, without any hesitation.

Chris makes a gagging sound. “Ten years in and you still look at each other like you’ve hung the bloody moon or something,” he sounds both awed and disgusted. Dan can’t help but laugh. “I reckon if I’d been with someone that long I’d be ready to rip their face off, I wouldn’t be giving them Bambi eyes over salad.”

Phil cuts his eyes to him with a sly grin. “But that’s the thing, Chris, you’ve not been with someone for ten years. In fact, you’ve barely managed two.”

There’s a chorus of laughter around the table, but Chris takes it in stride, shrugging. “What can I say? I can’t be tied down, I’m just not made for that kind of life.”

Almost imperceptibly, Dan and Phil share a look. Phil’s eyes are dark in the light of the room and he gives Dan a look that gives him shivers. Dan clears his throat before looking away, his cheeks flushed. “Believe me, the right person can change that,” he says simply. Promptly, as he’s suddenly feeling giddy with whatever brief moment he and Phil just shared, Dan changes the subject. “So are any of you involved with the charity?”

They move the conversation to the event of the evening, and Dan’s genuinely happy to listen to everyone discuss the mental health organization and what they do, especially as it gives him a distraction from the way Phil’s decided to place his hand so delicately on his knee. It’s a light touch, punctuated occasionally with a brush of his fingers or a squeeze, and by the time the spokesperson from Mind Over Matter takes the stage, Dan’s heart is a hummingbird in his chest.

“Hello, everyone. My name is Bryony, as Greg introduced me earlier. Mind Over Matter is so very pleased to be here this evening, and we couldn’t be more thrilled to have the chance to work with the BBC for such a good cause.” She continues speaking about the charity’s mission statement and the logistics of running a mental health charity, and Dan finds himself enraptured in a way he wasn’t with Greg.

He actually genuinely cares about mental health charities and already donates to several, but now that he’s listening to someone from inside one of those charities, he realizes how much more involved he’d like to be. He makes a mental note to grab more information about the charity later in the night, listening intently as Bryony shares some of her own struggles with mental illness and the stigma that surrounds it.

Without his conscious consent, his body tenses up when she begins speaking about depression and how it has affected her life. It’s not that depression is a universal truth for every person that has it, as it comes in many flavors and shapes and sizes, but hearing someone else’s story about something he’s struggled with most of his life puts him on edge. A touch to his hand has him flinching, and Phil shushes him softly. Dan glances at his blurry face, blinking quickly to bring him back into focus.

“Breathe,” Phil murmurs, almost silently. He holds Dan’s clenched hand in both of his, holding eye contact as Dan forces himself to relax. Phil smiles when Dan unfurls his fist, squeezing Phil’s fingers several times.

“Charities like Mind Over Matter helped support me when I needed it most. I wanted to give that gift to someone else, and be a voice for someone struggling.” Bryony appears to be at the end of her speech. “Throughout the course of the night, you’ll hear several other stories, both from speakers and videos we’ve put together, and I hope they inspire you to be the change in someone else’s life. Thank you.”

An applause Greg’s introduction couldn’t have challenged erupts as Bryony leaves the stage, Dan included this time. His mind is running on a loop of what she said, repeating the words over and over. He realizes, somewhere, that he’s desperate to find a way to integrate his passion for mental health awareness into how he contributes to the world. All he’s ever wanted was to put more good into the world than bad, and part of that need has been soothed by his insistence to foster. Now, his mind is being opened to a new realm of possibilities he hadn’t even considered before.

He’s so focused on thinking of all the ways he could make a change that it takes him a moment to realize that Phil is trying to speak to him. “Dan,” he says, almost panicked.

“Hm?” Dan hums, half-listening.

Phil lets out a breath of relief. “Are you okay?”

“Mhm,” Dan murmurs. “Just thinking. That was a lot, right? Like a lot to think about?” He looks up at Phil, waiting for him to agree.

Phil flicks his gaze between the stage and Dan several times before he seems to get it. “The speech?” When Dan nods, Phil shrugs. “I mean, it was a good speech. She’s a good spokesperson.”

Dan nods, looking away. Phil’s not insensitive by any means, he just didn’t always get the desire to speak out the way Dan did. He was a more passive and peaceful sort of thinker, preferring to exist in the comfort of his own mind when it came to his belief system, which generally reflected Dan’s own, even if it was more subtle. “Right,” Dan says belatedly.

There’s a flicker of confusion on Phil’s face as he glances at Dan, but before he can say anything else, their waiter has returned to clear their plates away.

“I hear we’re having chicken parm tonight,” Chris says, rubbing his hands together conspiratorially.

“That’s one of my favorites,” Dan says mildly, his mind still running in circles around something else entirely.

“Except when I’m cooking it,” Phil jokes, smiling broadly when his coworkers laugh. He’s good about making light jokes at his own expense sometimes, and Dan’s always sort of admired that about him.

“I didn’t say that,” Dan protests with a roll of his eyes. He considers it, then shrugs. “I am a bit better at cooking, though.”

Phil snorts, quite unattractively. “Okay, Mr. Boil the Pasta Without Water,” he taunts.

Dan swats at him playfully. “Hey,” he protests weakly. “I don’t tell everyone about your cooking failures. Remember the dalgona coffee? Or the brownies? Or the-“

He’s interrupted by Phil placing his fingers over his mouth. “Okay! We get it, we get it.” He sounds sheepish.

PJ tuts. “I didn’t realize we’d be getting all this hot gossip.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Do tell us more, Daniel.”

Phil’s quick to interrupt there, of course. “How about we don’t and say we did,” he says blandly, looking vaguely worried.

“What’s the matter, Philly?” Chris teases. “Afraid he’ll tell us all your secrets?”

Before Phil can answer, Dan shakes his head. “Nah, he’s just afraid I’ll tell you about how he tried to cook a pizza while it was still in the box,” he says smoothly.

“Dan!” Phil squawks, indignant.

“Oops,” Dan says, grinning at him.

Shaking his head, Phil crosses his arms, looking the epitome of a spoiled child. “That was supposed to be a secret,” he whines. He’s playing it up for the sake of the people watching and laughing at their little argument, but Dan allows it. It’s nice to have a moment to be sort of themselves, banting about things that happened even before all the pretending. Not to mention it’s kind of adorable when Phil pouts.

“Not anymore!” Dan says cheerfully. He sees the same waiter from before approaching their table again, this time with a tray of food. Sure enough, there are several plates on it, each of them full of a serving of chicken parm. He’s careful as he passes them out, and Dan’s sure to thank him politely when his plate is placed in front of him.

As everyone tucks into their food, another presentation starts, and after that the chatting is at a minimum. Other than when the waiters swoop in to collect the dishes between the speeches, there’s not a whole lot of time for small talk, and Dan spares a moment to be grateful for that. Despite how much he’s genuinely and unironically enjoying himself, he’s not sure he likes the way he’s put himself on this stage, their every move speculated on by Phil’s closest coworkers. He tries to tuck that thought away for now. He’s having a good night; they both are, he thinks, so there’s no point in ruining it for himself because of his own self-doubt or whatever his mind is conjuring up now.

Eventually, the evening begins winding down. Greg takes to the stage to remind everyone to stop by the silent auction on their way out, something everyone could have filtered in and out of as they pleased throughout the night. He also thanks everyone for coming and reminds them to pick up a gift bag on the way out as well. Bryony comes back to the stage for a thank-you message as well, and then everyone slowly starts mingling, wandering over to other friends and coworkers they hadn’t had the chance to speak to yet.

“This is the part I was dreading,” Phil mumbles. “We got here late enough that we could avoid it then but there’s no way to avoid all the small talk now.”

Dan drops a hand to his thigh and squeezes reassuringly. “It’ll be alright, baby. I’m the master of escaping social situations, remember? We’ll be out of here in no time.”

Phil grins at that, and Dan’s heart flutters at having that lovely gaze on him. “I’m holding you to that, you know.”

With a smirk, Dan turns away, looking over at Sophie and PJ. “It was really lovely to see you both again, but we should probably go ahead and say goodbye to everyone. We don’t want to be too late getting home to the kids.”

Sophie nods understandingly. “Oh of course! It was great to see you two.” She smiles at PJ then, nudging his arm. “Small world, huh?”

PJ grins, the expression almost cat-like, as he glances over at them. “The smallest, really. Dan, lovely to see you again, mate. You and Phil should join us for game night sometime.” He doesn’t sound like he’s kidding, the invitation genuine.

“Sure,” Dan agrees with a noncommittal shrug.

Phil stands then, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder as he says his goodbyes. “PJ, Chris, Tom, I’ll see you all at work Monday. Sophie, it was great seeing you again!” His thumb brushes over Dan’s collar, sending a shiver up Dan’s spine inexplicably. “C’mon, love. I ought to go say goodbye to Greg.”

Dan nods and stands, waving to Phil’s coworkers as they make their way from the table. They get several paces away before Dan grins, knocking his elbow against Phil’s. “Told you we’d get out of it quick.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t hold my breath,” he mutters, straightening his posture up when they get closer to the stage. “Greg’s a talker.”

Dan smirks, slipping his hand into Phil’s. “So am I.”

~~~

It turns out Phil wasn’t kidding about Greg’s talking ability. He rambles for nearly twenty minutes, seemingly without taking a breath. Dan tries to take several opportunities to slip away, but each time, Greg manages to start in on something else, keeping them stood there nodding along politely, pretending to care. Eventually though, Greg seems to run out of things to say, and Phil takes the chance to pretend to check the time on the watch he’s wearing, sending Dan a look, his lips pursed. “I hate to say this, but Dan and I really should be going,” he says, his lips twitching into a very convincing disappointed pout.

“Oh that’s too bad!” Greg says, looking genuinely let down. “We were going to invite you out for a drink.”

Dan’s quicker than Phil this time, sending the older man a helpless sort of shrug. “We’d love to, but with the kids at home and this being our first night away from them, we really should be getting home.”

Greg nods sadly. “I understand.” He claps Phil on the shoulder and Dan can tell just how annoyed the gesture makes him. “Well, Phil, I appreciate you being here, always glad to have a chance to sit and chat with you.”

Phil smiles, his mouth tight. “Right. You too, Greg.” He turns to Greg’s wife and smiles a little more genuinely. “It was lovely seeing you again, Marianne.”

The brunette smiles and nods. “And you as well.” She glances at Dan with a polite smile. “It was nice meeting you, Dan.”

Dan offers an easy grin. “You too, both of you,” he extends the sentiment to Greg, who responds with a nod.

“Cheers, lads. See you on Monday, Phil,” Greg bids them a goodbye, waving with the hand holding his champagne flute.

Phil waves before taking Dan’s left hand in his right, leading him to the exit. They’re nearly to the door when Phil pauses, giving Dan a sheepish smile. “Do you care if I stop by the loo really quick?”

Dan rolls his eyes but releases his hand. “Go, go. I’d rather you didn’t wet yourself in my car.”

Phil’s nose crinkles delicately at that. “I’m not a toddler, Dan, I would never!”

Hiding his grin, Dan pushes him gently in the direction of the restrooms. “Sure, bub. Go ahead. I’m gonna go snatch another one of those little biscuits.”

Phil’s eyes light up at this. “Will you get me one? The ones with icing?”

Dan huffs playfully. “Obviously. Who do you take me for?”

There’s a precious grin on Phil’s face as he leans in and presses a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “You’re the best. I’ll be right back.”

~~~

Phil takes nearly fifteen minutes in the loo, and Dan’s starting to get a bit annoyed when he shows up in the foyer where Dan’s waiting, looking a little out of breath. “You okay, mate?” Dan asks, his voice a little teasing.

“Never better,” Phil grins. “Ready to go?” He asks, reaching out to hold Dan’s hand as they walk.

Dan nods wordlessly. They’re handed a gift bag each at the door, and Phil chivalrously offers to carry both of them to the car. They’re quiet as they walk, both of them lost to their own bubble of thoughts as their hands swing between them.

“Did you have a good time?” Phil asks into the silence.

Dan glances at him, finding an almost nervous look on Phil’s face. “I did, actually, yeah,” Dan says with a smile and a squeeze of Phil’s fingers. “I really enjoyed hearing all of the ways to get involved with the charity and stuff.” Phil nods along, looking relieved. Dan nudges his elbow with his own gently to get his attention. “Thank you for inviting me,” he says softly.

Phil slows his steps a little, really looking at Dan before he speaks. “I know how much mental health means to you, Dan. I just... I figured that you’d enjoy something like this.”

Dan nods, looking down at the pavement below their shoes. “I did.”

“Did you get to speak to everyone you wanted to? I know lots of people were handing out information,” Phil says, changing the subject a little. Dan’s secretly a little pleased; he’d rather not talk about how much the gesture of Phil inviting him to such a public event means to him.

“I think so, yeah,” Dan nods.

Phil nods too, slowing to a stop as they’ve reached Dan’s car. “That’s good. I, um... I actually went and spoke to the lead speaker, Bryony?”

Dan glances up at him. “Yeah?”

Phil nods, not quite looking directly at him. “Yeah, I figured... I figured if you had an in with someone you knew at a mental health charity the school might finally let you do that assembly about mental illness and how to get help.”

“I...” Dan stutters out, suddenly at a complete loss for words. The thoughtfulness of the gesture is setting in, and all he can think about is how much Phil means to him, how much it means to him that Phil would suffer through his social anxiety in order to talk to someone for Dan, without Dan even knowing. Dan can only stare at him in shock, eyes and mouth wide and gaping as he struggles to comprehend how absolutely selfless this man is.

“I know it’s not a lot,” Phil rushes to say, clearly taking Dan’s silence the wrong way. “And it’s not my business anyway, but I- I know how much you’ve wanted to do that for the school, and I thought maybe this would be a good place to start and-“

Dan interrupts him then, flinging himself forward and wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. He’s half a second away from kissing him, but at the last second his lips change course and land firmly against Phil’s lovely cheek. Despite the change Dan’s felt this evening in that aspect of their behavior, this is one moment of their genuine real relationship that Dan doesn’t want to mar with the confusion of his romantic feelings. So instead he hugs his best friend as tightly as he can, feeling full of something warm and fuzzy when Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and squeezes.

“Thank you,” Dan whispers. “Thank you so much, that...” he clears his throat. “That means more than you’ll probably ever know.”

Phil kisses his cheek, right where his dimple is. “Of course. Anything for you, you know that,” he says, his voice soft and full of feeling.

Dan squeezes him once more before releasing him, giving him another smile before they get into the car. Almost immediately, their hands find each other again over the console separating them, and Dan resigns himself, happily, to a one-handed drive.

~~~

The flat is quiet when they get home, both of them more than ready to get out of their suits and into some pajamas. Phil murmurs that he’s going to go put the gift bags away and Dan nods before going to check on the kids. As expected, the twins are fast asleep in their beds, and Dan creeps through the room, making sure each of them are tucked with their favorite plushies. He kisses the top of both of their heads, and only Mia stirs, just a bit.

Walking down the hall, he hears quiet voices and finds Phil, minus his shoes and suit coat, talking to Levi in the kitchen. “And they didn’t give you any trouble going to bed on time?”

Levi shakes his head with a smile. “Not at all. I uh... pulled a Dan and stayed in there to read to them for a while and they both just fell asleep.”

Phil looks relieved. “Perfect. Did we leave you enough money for the food? Did you all have enough to eat?”

Dan steps behind him then, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist with a hum. To his credit, Phil doesn’t even jump at the suddenness of the contact. “Stop interrogating him, you sound like me,” he chastises, grinning at Levi over Phil’s shoulder.

Phil huffs, crossing his arms. “You worried before, I’ll handle worrying after. Go to bed.”

Dan shakes his head, kissing Phil’s jaw before stepping away. “I don’t really think that’s how this works,” he says. He turns to Levi then with a smile. “You guys were okay I take it?”

Levi nods, looking tired but happier than Dan’s seen him since he moved in. “We were fine. I’m exhausted though, I’ll give you that. I don’t know how you guys do it.”

Phil flicks his gaze over to Dan’s and they share a smile. “It’s worth being tired,” Dan says simply. “But you’re a kid too, and the kids shouldn’t have to be tired for doing the parents job, so it’s time you head to bed too, bub.”

There’s a flicker of disappointment on Levi’s face and then it’s gone as he nods in agreement. “Okay,” he says, turning to leave the kitchen with a little wave. Before he gets too far though, he spins back around, quirking a brow. “Did you guys have fun on your date?” He asks with a smirk.

Dan flushes, not even sure why it embarrasses him for Levi to call it that. Before he can answer, Phil puts his hand on Dan’s back, nodding for the both of them. “We did, yeah.”

“So does this mean you guys trust me enough now to leave us home alone every now and again? You could have a weekly date night,” Levi says with a very sweet smile. A twitch of his lip shows that he’s mostly kidding.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Thank you for the suggestion, Levi. We’ll think about it,” Dan nods to the stairs, his arms crossed. “To bed, kiddo. Don’t forget about therapy tomorrow.”

Levi nods, waving half heartedly as he leaves the kitchen. “Yeah, alright. Night, guys.”

“Goodnight, Levi,” Phil calls. He turns to face Dan with a smile. “The twins okay?”

Dan nods, pulling his suit jacket off. “Yeah, they’re all tucked in with their plushies.”

“Good,” Phil nods, leading the way back to their bedroom. He’s flung his jacket across the bed and Dan makes a petulant noise when he sees it. “Sorry,” Phil grins, going to hang it up. “What pjs do you want to wear?” He asks, pulling one of their dresser drawers open and sifting through it.

“Mm. Just a shirt, please. Something cozy,” Dan mumbles, taking his shoes off and neatly placing them back on the rack. He places Phil’s beside them, smiling at how neat it looks.

“Here,” Phil says, handing Dan a folded up tee. When he grabs it, Dan realizes it’s one of the shirts Phil had gotten him on a family vacation to Florida a few years ago. It’s got little cats in space suits and is quite honestly the best piece of clothing he owns, in his opinion.

“Thanks,” Dan says, working on unbuttoning his shirt. The bundled up t-shirt in one hand makes it difficult to make any progress though, and Dan makes an annoyed noise through his nose. “Stupid shirt-“ he mutters darkly to himself, tugging on the second button aggressively.

“C’mere, idiot,” Phil says fondly, knocking Dan’s hands out of the way in order to actually unbutton the shirt. Dan watches his hands, lips quirking when he notices how they’re shaking.

“Your hands are shaky,” he murmurs softly. “You okay?”

Phil lets out a quivering laugh. “You just make me nervous, sometimes.”

“Me?” Dan asks, incredulous. “How?”

Phil gives him a look, but doesn’t answer. His knuckles brush Dan’s stomach as he gets to the last couple of buttons, and Dan can’t stop a shiver from crawling down his spine. Phil pauses his movements, eyes flickering up to meet Dan’s again. The blue-green of his eyes is almost completely gone, his pupils blown out and making his eyes look darker than Dan knows them to be. Dan’s breath catches as their gazes lock, the soft sound audible in the limited space between them.

Swallowing hard, and trying not to spook him too much, Dan raises his hands carefully to Phil’s neck. He brushes his fingers against the bow tie around Phil’s neck, and he shivers. “I’m gonna take your tie off, yeah?” Dan whispers. Any amount of volume sounds like screaming right now, in this quiet space between them.

“Yeah,” Phil breathes back. His hands slowly drop down to undo the last two buttons of Dan’s shirt, and he hesitates, his hands poised in the air at Dan’s waist. His eyes drop from Dan’s gaze to stare at the bare skin of his chest and he cautiously reaches out, tucking his hands inside Dan’s open shirt and smoothing over his waist, just above the band of his trousers.

Just that innocent contact has Dan flushing, and he drops his gaze to where he’s undoing Phil’s bow tie, trying to hide from Phil’s searching eyes. “You looked so good tonight,” Dan says, the confession almost inaudible.

“Yeah?” Phil whispers back, squeezing the bare skin at Dan’s hips.

Dan nods, tugging the tie loose and tossing it on the dresser. He focuses on his hands as he undoes the buttons of Phil’s shirt, working slowly down the line. “I was really proud to be your date for the evening.”

Phil makes a soft noise at that. “Dan...” He takes a deep breath, almost like he’s steeling himself for something, and suddenly Dan can’t do it. He knows, with how their evening has gone so far, how this chat would go and what it is Phil might be gearing up to say, but right now- Dan can’t hear it. They’ve lived in this little bubble of peaceful in-between for so long, and right now, he isn’t mentally prepared for how their relationship could change if they have the chat they both know is coming.

“All done,” he says, loud in the space they were just occupying. His hands gently press against Phil’s stomach, pushing him out of Dan’s space a bit. “I’m gonna go have a wee and brush my teeth,” he announces, moving to step past Phil.

Phil catches his arm before he can get too far. He’s got a pained sort of look on his face. “We need to talk, Dan.”

And there it is.

“I... I know, just... not tonight, please? We’ve had such a good night, just... tomorrow?” Dan practically begs.

Phil looks reluctant, but nods slowly, running his palm gently down the length of Dan’s arm before it falls away. “Alright. Tomorrow.”

Dan nods in agreement. He’s already trying to think of a way to prolong it past tomorrow, but he’s not about to tell Phil that. Nodding to the bathroom, he holds up his pjs. “Be right back.”

When Phil nods, Dan quickly disappears into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, something he very rarely does anymore. His hands are shaking as he goes to have a wee, and when he’s finished he washes his hands a little too vigorously, as if that’ll help with the tremors. He’s just washing his face when the bathroom door opens and Phil pops his head in.

“Remember to take your meds,” he reminds, studying Dan in the mirror.

Dan nods, gesturing to the pillbox on the tap. “I’m going to,” he replies with a little smile.

Phil looks relieved. He glances around the bathroom almost awkwardly. “Is it okay if I...”

Dan’s quick to nod, trying to force a casualness he doesn’t really feel. “Yeah, course.”

He tries not to watch as Phil comes in, moving through his own nightly routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth, and taking his contacts out. Dan’s a step behind him, just reaching for his toothbrush when Phil is fastening the top back on his contact lens pot, and instead of leaving, Phil leans against the counter and watches him.

It makes Dan feel even more nervous, and now his hands are shaking even more as he tries to ignore the way Phil’s very obviously studying him. “Quit looking at me,” he mumbles around a mouthful of toothpaste.

Phil’s got a smile on his face when Dan glances at him. “Sorry.” It doesn’t sound very genuine, but then he sighs, reaching out and tugging gently on the hem of Dan’s t-shirt. “You just look kind of adorable in that shirt,” he says with a sweet smile.

Dan flushes red all over at the compliment. “Shut up,” he grumbles before spitting out the foam in his mouth and reaching for their little rinse cup. It doesn’t hit him until after he’s swishing the water around in his mouth that this is another one of their things, another little domestic object that they share, undisputed. He places it gently back on the tap before spitting the water out. “I’m tired,” he announces, turning to leave the bathroom without another glance at Phil.

He crawls into bed, a real exhaustion suddenly wearing on him as he does, proof of the full day they’ve both had. Phil slides into bed beside him after turning the light off, casting the room in a near pitch-darkness. He shifts around a bit before finally settling, and then it’s so dead quiet that Dan nearly stops breathing, the sound shockingly loud in the silence.

“Come here,” Phil says softly.

“Why?” Dan mumbles, unthinkingly.

Phil lets out a huff. “Because I want to hold you, that’s why, rat.”

“Oh,” Dan whispers. He slowly shifts over, crowding into Phil’s space gradually. Phil apparently doesn’t have the same patience, as he hooks an arm around Dan’s waist and tugs him right up against his chest.

“Mm,” Phil hums contently in Dan’s ear. “Are you comfy?”

Dan smiles at the low voice. “Yeah, baby, I’m comfy.”

Phil kisses his jaw, close to his ear. “Good.”

They lay in silence for long enough that Dan assumes that Phil has already fallen asleep. He’s proven wrong when he feels another kiss, this one pressed to his hair, followed by Phil squeezing his waist. “You okay?” Dan mumbles, something worrying in the strength of Phil’s grip.

“I’m fine,” Phil says dismissively. There’s an audible hesitance in the following silence until he whispers, “Did you really have a good night?”

Dan tilts his head back a little to smile at him. “Of course I did.” He nuzzles into Phil’s chest, leaving a fleeting kiss on the collar of his t-shirt. “I wanted to say thank you again, by the way. For the whole...” he gestures vaguely. “Talking to Bryony for me. That was really sweet of you.”

Phil kisses his forehead. Dan feels so small in his embrace. “Of course. I mean...” Phil sighs. “Even before the whole fake dating thing, I would’ve done that. You... you’re my best friend in the whole world, Dan.”

“I know,” Dan replies, his voice cracking in an embarrassing sort of way. “I know that,” he repeats after clearing his throat. “This wouldn’t work if we weren’t.”

“Right,” Phil says slowly. He tugs gently at Dan’s shirt, and Dan feels his heart flutter at the way Phil’s hand sneaks underneath the fabric. His nails lightly scratch over Dan’s back, and the feeling is so light and gentle that it sends shivers all over Dan’s spine. “But even outside of this part of our life, the part that’s just for now... you’ll always be my best friend, yeah?”

Dan swallows hard. Something hot and sick is crawling at his throat, making him feel suddenly fidgety and anxious. He goes to shift and Phil’s hand splays out on his back, holding him steady like he’s falling. He is, in a way.

“Of course, yeah,” he rasps out, half-responding to Phil. The half of his brain that isn’t stupid and filled with mush is trying desperately to come up with a way to curb his anxiety.

He finds that distraction in the way Phil strokes his back in long sweeps, and Dan feels himself relaxing into it. “You look so cute,” Phil whispers.

Dan smiles, his eyes having fluttered shut at some point. “Thanks,” he mumbles.

Phil laughs, and then there’s an easy, sleepy silence spreading over them. Dan’s brain, even as it slows down with the impending sleep, manages one last coherent thought. “Phil?”

“Mhm?”

Dan smacks his lips as he tries to remember what he wanted to ask. “How long do you think we can do this for?”

“What?” Phil asks, nearly inaudible.

“This,” Dan mumbles, punctuating his words with a squeeze of his arm around Phil’s torso. “It’s got a deadline, doesn’t it?” It’s not really a question. Dan knows the answer.

The question’s not completely out of left field, Dan thinks vaguely. It’s been on his mind all night rather consistently, and even before that he’s thought about it from time to time; wondering if they’ll get to celebrate Christmas with the kids, or Easter. Sometimes his mind races past that, to the what if’s beyond their current family unit: what if someday these children were moved somewhere else, would they even be able to cope well enough to move on and foster other children? Or would this whole thing, this whole life they’d built together, come crashing down?

“I don’t know,” Phil eventually answers, after what feels like hours.

Dan nuzzles his chest. “Not forever though, I guess?”

Phil leans down and kisses his cheek softly. “Let’s not think about that tonight. We’ve had a good night and we can talk about this tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Dan says quietly. There’s a lot on their plate for tomorrow’s conversations, it seems. Suddenly Dan’s so exhausted, he feels like he could sleep for a year. He’s not sure how much of that is genuine exhaustion and how much is the desire to avoid the confrontation he knows will be waiting for him on the other side of tomorrow. He kisses Phil’s neck. If this is the last night they have like this, with this same platonic intimacy, he wants it to end on a good note. “Love you,” he mumbles, intentionally low and inaudible.

Phil rubs soft circles between his shoulder blades. “Love you too, bear.”

#phan #phanfiction #parent!au #parent!phan #foster parent au #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #fake relationship #friends to lovers #best friends #if you don't love me pretend #iydlmp #chapter 20

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ryrycaptain · 4 years ago

Text

My Juliet - PBB 2020

Hello and welcome to my fic for the PBB this year. I took inspiration from reading Romeo and Juliet to create this story. I’ll be forever grateful for ilikestopwatches who helped me so much with this fic. I’d also like to thank Divy for making some amazing art to go along with my fic.

ao3 link

Dan was growing tired of following the lively man in front of him. He had a mop of brown curls resting on his head and green eyes that were framed by a lopsided pair of glasses. They’d already covered the dressing rooms, prop room, and wardrobe, and he was starting to sweat from the beating sun. “Ah here we are, sir,” the man, PJ called out, “the stage.”

Dan gasped in disbelief. He’d never been to the Globe Theatre before, and to see the stage he would be performing on in person was thrilling. The woodwork was intricate, and the stage was strong under his feet. “It’s amazing,” he cheered.

“It surely is a beautiful feat of architecture.”

At the end of the stage, people were spread out busying themselves with their scripts, but one person in particular caught his eye. The man had brown hair with the slightest tint of red and sparkling blue eyes that were framed by a simple pair of glasses. He looked to be in his early thirties, and he was currently staring intensely at the paper in front of him. “Who’s that?” Dan asked PJ.

PJ gave him a look of confusion. “That’s Philip Lester. He’s the author of the play.”

“Oh I’ve heard of him. He’s one of my biggest inspirations, but I’ve never seen him before.”

PJ nodded curtly and clapped his hands together. Everyone looked towards them and Dan’s cheeks flushed at the attention. “This is Daniel Howell, everyone. He will be playing the lovely Juliet. Please give him a warm welcome.”

With that, PJ started walking towards Phil which left Dan awkwardly standing alone on the stage before someone waved him over. He walked over carefully, wary of breaking something if he stepped too hard or breathed too loud. The man who had waved him over was even taller than Dan, which was a surprising feat since Dan was almost 6 feet tall, and had a shock of red hair framing his face. “My name is Christopher, but you can call me Kit. I’ll be playing the charming Romeo,” the redhead said.

“Um it’s nice to meet you. I’m Daniel but you can call me Dan,” he said, shaking his hand.

“Would you like to practise with me?” Kit asked. “We have a lot of lines together.”

Dan laughed. “I suppose I can make some time to practise with you.”

—

Dan had spent a good hour going over the script with Kit, and he had to admit that the story was brilliant. He could tell the play would be a huge hit with the plot twists and romantic storyline. He wasn’t totally surprised though because Lester’s plays always seemed to amaze him. Speaking of Philip Lester, he was currently perched on a seat in the highest viewing room and yelling at Kit.

“No. No. No. You’re doing it all wrong, Kit,” Philip sighed. “You sound too happy about your recent breakup. The whole point of this scene is to show Romeo’s impulsive behavior. You must be saddened by the loss of your relationship.”

“Ok,” Kit said. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!”

“That’s better, but I still feel like I am watching someone recite lines not mope about their lost love. You must practise this scene. Now, go on and take a break.”

“Yes, Sir,” Kit replied before walking over to the water where Dan was.

“I promise you he’s not always like this,” Kit stated after seeing the worry in Dan’s eyes. “I was an understudy for one of his other shows. He has a soft side, but it takes him some time to de-stress.”

Dan nodded. “I understand.”

Although he tried to play it off as a causal concern, Dan was worried he’d be cut from the show if he didn’t meet Philip’s expectations the first time around. He wasn’t a big name and it was a miracle for him to have a lead part in a Lester original. He needed this role to launch his career.

Pursuing his dream of acting was a huge risk, and his parents were doubtful of him. They were expecting him to earn money and to start a family in the near future and didn’t believe he could do that by playing dress up on a stage, and Dan needed to prove them wrong.

“What’s going through your mind,” Kit said, interrupting his thoughts.

“This is my first major role, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” Dan stated.

“I’m sure you have what it takes,” Kit encouraged. “After all, Philip does most of the scouting for his plays so the chances he picked you himself are high.”

Dan felt slightly reassured by that fact but also intimidated by the idea that Philip had seen him perform before. It had taken him a while to perfect his character and he didn’t want to seem incapable. He just had to hope for the best.

——

It was time for Dan to get on stage and to say he was nervous was an understatement. The actors who were playing the nurse and Lady Capulet seemed nice enough, and had some experience acting.

Philip seemed pleased enough with their performance and only commented on a few minor things throughout the run of the show. When they were done with their scene, Dan was pulled aside by a woman named Louise who needed to take his measurements and have him try on a few pieces of clothing. She led him through the halls of the theatre and into a room that was filled to the brim with various costumes and fabrics.

“I’m sorry it’s such a mess, dear. I’ve been a bit busy these days,” she hummed. “Can you step up onto that stool.”

She had long blonde hair and bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted and Dan wondered how many hours she spent at the theatre a day.

He stepped on the platform and she started measuring him with the tape measure that had been hanging on her shoulders. “You’re very nicely built, but I don’t think I have any previous outfits that would fit you. It’s a shame I’ll have to start this one from scratch,” she sighed. “Now to pick a colour!”

Her excitement was cut short by a knock on the door. “Mrs Pentland, may I come in?” A rough voice sounded from outside the door. Dan recognised the owner to be Philip and started to panic.

“Calm down, now,” she whispered to Dan before directing her answer to Philip. “Yes, come in sir.”

Philip let himself in and looked at Dan with a scrutinising gaze. “I was unaware you had company.”

“It’s no big deal, sir. Daniel and I were just deciding which colour dress he’d be wearing.”

“Ah, I believe you’ll make the right decision,” he said with a nod. He turned to Dan and stuck out his hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Philip Lester the director and writer of this play, but you can call me Phil.”

Dan took his hand timidly and shook it. “My name is Daniel Howell, sir. I prefer Dan though.”

“Yes, my Juliet,” Phil stated, making Dan blush. “What got you into acting?”

“Ah, I've always been a fan of the art. My parents took me to a show when I was younger and it’s been my dream to star in one since then.”

“Sounds similar to how I got into theatre although I’m much too shy to be a performer. I’ve always had a knack for writing though. I guess it all worked out in the end.”

“Of course, sir. Someone with as much talent as you is destined to be famous.”

“Can I ask you why you choose to portray women? I know it’s an essential job within the theatre but I rarely meet men who are excited to portray the role,” Phil said, deflecting Dan’s comment.

“I’ve always enjoyed trying on my mother’s dresses and messing around with her makeup. It seems a bit odd, but I like to take advantage of it.”

“I don’t think it’s odd at all,” Phil said with a twinkle in his eye. “I personally believe normalness leads to sadness. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back before PJ does anything rash with the scene. I’ll see you on stage, Dan.”

He nodded to Louise and shut the door behind himself on his way out. “See, he isn’t as intimidating as he seems,” Louise chuckled, “Now which colour should we go for?”

——

Dan walked out of the room with a smile on his face and a little more confident now that he could imagine the dress he’d be wearing. He wondered if it’d be made of the same itchy material that the ones for his last production were. He would have liked to imagine that the dress would be made of silk but he didn’t know how much they put towards costumes here.

He was stuck in his own fantasy world when he bumped into someone. He immediately bent down to collect his things with a muttered sorry. A hand touched his and he looked up to see Phil staring back at him curiously. “You’re still here? It’s getting pretty late.”

Dan blushed. “Louise and I got caught up talking about the costumes.”

“Oh, do you have experience too?" Phil asked, handing Dan the things he had picked up.

They both stood up and started walking towards the entrance. They weren’t going nearly as fast as they could have, almost like they had mutually decided that they wanted to prolong their conversation.

“I’ve sewn some clothes before but besides that I don’t have any experience. It’s always been an interest of mine.”

Phil nodded. “I’m sure Louise appreciates the company. I worry she gets lonely sometimes.”

“She sounds like she’s important to you,” Dan hums.

“Ah, she’s a family friend, nothing more. She’s already happily married with two kids. I’m afraid our parents would force us to marry if she wasn’t.”

“Oh, so you're single?”

“Yes. I’ve always been dedicated to my work, and it leaves me little time to meet people. Besides, the women my parents set me up with are unbearable. I assume you’ve got someone. You’re young and handsome after all.”

“No, it’s just me,” Dan answered. If he was being honest, he’d never met a woman he was interested in. He found men more intriguing but he would never admit that. He would eventually be married off, and it was for the best. That was just how it was.

“Oh,” Phil stated, “I thought you’d have women lining up to marry you.”

“My family isn’t the best off,” Dan admitted. “My father owns a small shop but that’s our main source of income right now. I hope to change that with this job. After all, my brother is going to university soon.”

“Ah, university. Those were some of the best years of my life. I miss my professors sometimes. They were always my biggest supporters,” Phil mused.

“That sounds charming. I never got to go, not that I really wanted to anyways.”

“That’s interesting. You took a big risk, unless you have some sort of craft you’ve perfected.”

“My only skills are in business, and I don’t have anywhere near enough money to run my own. Besides, I’m happy with my job right now. I’ve already met some nice people.”

“The cast and crew are exceptionally kind though they can get rowdy, especially when they’re under the influence of alcohol.”

“A lot of men are,” Dan agreed.

They were nearing the main doors, and Dan was surprisingly disappointed for their conversation to end. Phil didn’t bore him to death like the others he’d conversed with, and they actually had a solid conversation.

Dan yawned, startling himself back into reality. “You should head home,” Phil stated. “I hope it’s not too long of a walk to your house. It is quite cold and I can’t have my Juliet getting sick.”

“I’ll make sure to bundle up,” he assured the older man. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Dan.”

——

Dan had been standing in the same spot for the past twenty minutes, and even though he was supposed to pretend that he was chatting with others, he was watching Phil direct Kit and the others around the stage.

Phil looked nothing like the shy, nervous version of himself that Dan’d met. On this stage, Phil looked like he was in his element. His voice was firm, and he commanded the attention of the actors around him.

Everyone was starting to look tired, as they were four hours into practice, and people weren’t putting as much effort into their lines. Phil was clearly starting to get annoyed, as his jaw was clenched and his unoccupied hand formed a fist.

He watched as PJ walked his way and waved him over. “What’s wrong, Dan?” PJ said. The exhaustion was clear in his voice, and he glared at Dan. Dan didn’t take offense, because if he was directing a play he’d probably be glaring daggers at everyone too.

“Phil seems to be getting angry, and everyone is exhausted. Do you think we could take a break? Just for everyone to relax a bit,” Dan pleaded.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, but I’ve got to see what Phil says.”

“Can you go ask him now?”

PJ nodded and walked over to where Phil was directed and pulled him aside. Dan watched as they interacted, and Phil’s jaw slowly relaxed. He nodded and called out for everyone to take a break.

Dan exited the stage and grabbed his water. It was nearing summer, and it was almost unbearable to work out in the heat. The canopy above the stage blocked out the harsh sun, but the humidity still hung in the air.

“Thanks for saving me.” Dan jumped and looked over to see Phil looking at him with a grin on his face.

“You looked like you were about to murder someone,” Dan stated.

“I might have if you hadn’t asked for a break. I don’t know how difficult it is to stay in a straight line, but the torchbearers could not stay behind each other. We all know that movement causes the audience to get distracted.”

Dan hummed in agreement. “It takes a lot of power not to fidget, but if they’ve been in previous productions then they should know better.”

“Well enough about them. What did you do after practice yesterday?” Phil asked.

“Ah, I just went home and practised my lines. I’ve found that there aren’t many things to do on the weekdays,” Dan explained.

“How about you and I go to the archery range? I try to practise from time to time, but I'm afraid I'm becoming a bit rusty,” Phil suggested.

“I’m not sure. I’ve barely touched my bow since I finished learning how to shoot,” Dan stated.

“Perfect!” Phil exclaimed. “That means we can be horrible together. Now what's your address? I would feel awful if I didn’t give you a ride.”

Dan was still unsure about going to the range with Phil. If he was being honest, he became quite fond of the eccentric playwright and he wasn’t sure if he could risk it. Phil was clearly not interested in men. It was a sin after all. Dan needed to put a stop to his growing crush on Phil, but he couldn't resist the pleading eyes the other man was sending his way. Sighing in defeat, Dan muttered his address to Phil and, with their plans arranged, Phil skipped off with a grin on his face.

____

When Phil had said he would give Dan a ride, Dan had been expecting a carriage, seeing as he was a famous playwright and could afford one. Instead, he was met with Phil and a single horse. He blinked at the scene in front of him, wondering if he was seeing things properly. There was no way Phil expected him to walk. After all, Phil had specifically offered him a ride.

Dan looked up at Phil with a blank expression and realised the man was talking, “much farther away from the theatre than you. Dan are you listening?”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

“Are you okay? You look a bit dazed.”

“I’m just wondering how I’m getting to the range,” Dan stated.

“Oh, you’ll have to ride behind me. You see my brother is borrowing Dante today so this is our only option,” Phil stated. “Unless you want to walk of course.”

Dan knew that Phil had meant the last part as a joke but he seriously considered it. He didn’t know how well he could handle being so close to Phil, especially with his crush on him. He decided that he couldn’t walk seeing as they were in a crowded city which meant the next range was more than a few miles away. “How do I get on then?” Dan stated as confidently as he could.

“Just stick your foot in the stirrup and hoist yourself up.”

Dan followed his instructions, and got up onto the horse. He tried to distance himself from Phil but it caught the attention of the other man. “What are you doing? You’ll fall off if you don’t hold on,” Phil laughed.

“Sorry,” Dan muttered, putting his arms around Phil’s middle.

Phil dug his heel into the horse’s side and it took off down the streets. Dan gripped onto Phil tighter, and watched as the scenery passed by them. He’d only ridden a horse once when he was younger, so to be high on top of one was quite intimidating. “Are you scared?” Phil shouted back.

“No.”

“Ok, Dan, I believe you, but can you let go a bit? You’re suffocating me.”

Dan blushed in embarrassment, loosening his grip. He didn’t mean to hold on so tight, but the speed of the horse had startled him. “Sorry.”

The rest of their ride proceeded with much less awkwardness, and a comfortable silence encompassed them.

When they arrived at the range there were very few people. It shouldn’t have surprised Dan seeing as it was the middle of the day and most men were at work. They went to find a target to practice on and finally settled on one that was positioned on the outskirts of the range.

Dan watched as Phil set his quiver of arrows down in the grass and fiddled with his bow. “Who’s going first?” Phil asked.

“Definitely you,” Dan answered.

“You’re really going to make me embarrass myself first?”

“I don’t want to be the first one to embarrass themselves.”

“Very well then.”

Phil picked up an arrow and positioned himself in front of the target. He stood for a moment, aiming to the best of his ability, and then he let go. The arrow whizzed across the range and hit the innermost white ring. “I thought you were out of practice!” Dan groaned.

Phil smiled. “I promise it’s just luck. Now it’s your turn.”

Phil stepped away and Dan took his place. He picked a bow out of his quiver and aimed at the target. His hands were shaking, and his pulse was racing so he knew he was going to do horribly. He didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Phil though, so he took a deep breath and hoped for the best before letting the arrow fly. When Dan looked up he saw the arrow lodged into the outermost ring.

Phil chuckled behind him and Dan spun around at him. “You can’t make fun of me. Unlike you, I was telling the truth when I said I was out of practice,” Dan huffed.

“What? Do you need a quick lesson from the master?” Phil cooed.

“I suppose I could use one,” Dan muttered.

When Dan agreed, he thought Phil would show him how to aim and shoot, but instead Phil came up behind him and handed Dan an arrow. He fit his hands over Dan’s and positioned the bow correctly.

Phil’s hands were slightly cold but his body radiated a comforting heat, and Dan felt warmer just from standing by the other man. Dan's heart was beating rapidly and he couldn’t stop thinking about how compromising the position that they were in was.

“Let go,” Phil whispered, breaking him from his thoughts.

Dan let go of the arrow and watched as the arrow launched into the innermost black ring. “See you've got it,” Phil muttered.

Suddenly realising they were still together, Dan blushed and pulled away to face Phil. “I’m still not as good as you are. Besides you did most of the work that time,” Dan huffed.

Phil grinned, “You’ll just have to keep practising.”

Phil picked up his bow again and quickly aimed the arrow at the target. Dan watched as it flew and hit into the yellow circle at the centre of the target. “Bullseye!” Phil exclaimed.

Dan rolled his eyes. His competitive side was finally coming out. “Ok, Philip. Let’s play ten rounds and whoever gets the most points wins.”

“What does the winner get?”

“I suppose the winner can pick a punishment for the loser.”

“It’s on then.”

——

Dan ended up winning. He was surprised he’d beaten Phil and his years of experience, but when he thought about it, Phil had given Dan a lot of tips during their match. Phil had definitely let him win. “Did you let me win?” Dan scoffed.

“Of course not, Daniel. You won fair and square,” Phil laughed. “You just have to believe in yourself.”

Dan still didn’t believe him, but he wasn’t going to question Phil anymore. “Now, since you’ve won, you have to pick a punishment for me.”

Dan thought about it for a second until his stomach grumbled. He assumed Phil could afford much better food than the stale biscuits and bitter coffee Dan had based his diet on. “I suppose you can buy me dinner. I am quite hungry,” Dan suggested.

“That’s not much of a punishment,” Phil commented

“No, but I’m starving right now so I’ll let it slide,” Dan hummed.

“Alright, I suppose I can treat you to dinner. Is there any specific place you’d like to go?” Phil stated, picking up his quiver.

“No, it’s your choice. I don’t eat out much,” Dan said following the other’s lead.

“Ah, are you a chef?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I can cook a few meals.”

They walked back to their horse where Phil had put her in a stall. Phil led her out and gave her a few sugar cubes before using the stirrups to pull himself up on the horse. Dan followed suit and they were off again, heading back to the city.

——

Dan didn’t think Phil would take him somewhere fancy but, to his surprise, Phil did. There was a musician playing the piano softly on the stage with tables surrounding the raised platform. Candles decorated each table and customers sat in sharp suits and flowing dresses. “I don’t think we’re dressed well enough for this,” Dan whispered to Phil.

“Sure we are,” Phil stated. “Most of these people are on first dates anyway. They want to make a good impression.”

Dan blushed at the thought of it being a date. Sure he might have had a tiny crush on Phil, but nothing would come of that. Maybe if they were born in a more accepting time but in their day it wasn’t going to be accepted anytime soon.

“Right this way, sirs,” a waiter spoke.

Dan followed the man around the outskirts of the table and watched as they sat the menus down at a table. It was a bit secluded from the rest of the tables, and Dan instantly sighed in relief.

Phil sat across from him and picked up one of the menus so Dan copied him. The writing was riddled with flourishes and Dan couldn’t read it very well. His face heated up. He’d had an education, but it wasn’t one of the best. His parents couldn’t afford to send him off to a fancy private school like the other boys his age.

“What do you recommend?” Dan asked Phil.

“I usually get the chicken, but the lamb is also quite good.”

Dan nodded. “Lamb sounds nice.”

“Yes, the chefs here make the best in the city.”

They sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company and the soft melody from the piano, until the waiter came back. They placed their orders and at the end Phil spoke up. “Do you drink?”

“Occasionally,” Dan remarked, “but if you're drinking, I’ll drink with you.”

Phil nodded. “We’ll have two glasses of your best wine then.”

——

They might have had more than just a glass each, and maybe Dan was having a hard time controlling his stupid limbs, but that wasn’t anyone else's business was it? He was using all of his energy not to trip, but it was bound to happen. He never drank so he wasn’t surprised that he was such a lightweight. He didn’t regret it though. He’d had a wonderful night, and it was nice to be free from his nerves for once.

Unlike Dan, Phil wasn’t drunk. At least he didn’t seem to be. He’d had a glass more than Dan but he was perfectly composed and Dan wasn’t sure if it was impressive or not.

Phil was leading him out of the restaurant with his hand clasped firmly onto Dan’s shoulder. They made their way to where the horse was being kept in a small set of stables behind the building. A nice man led the horse out, and Dan looked at it warily. “Do you think you can get up?” Phil asked.

Dan's face flushed red. He definitely could not climb the horse drunk. After all, he could barely climb it sober. “If you can't, don’t attempt it. I need my Juliet to have fully functioning limbs for the play.”

“Then I guess I won’t be getting on the horse,” Dan muttered.

“We can walk then,” Phil stated.

“No that isn’t fair. I can walk home from here and you can ride back to your house.”

“You’re far too drunk to walk home alone. You’d definitely get robbed. I’ll walk you home.”

“What about the horse?”

“She’ll follow us.”

Dan nodded and followed Phil down the road. They were only a few blocks from his house so it wouldn’t take long for them to get there, but Dan still felt guilty for making Phil walk.

They chatted about the play, their holiday plans, and a variety of other things. Dan learned more about Phil’s family which was made up of his mother, father, and his brother, Martyn, as well as his sister in law, Cornelia. Phil seemed to have a strong bond with his family, and, unlike Dan’s parents, his seemed to be supportive of his career.

After around ten minutes they finally stopped in front of Dan’s door. Dan blushed thinking about the times he’d been in this position with the girls he’d courted. He remembered his manners and thanked Phil. “Dinner was delicious. I hope we can hang out again sometime soon.”

“It was my pleasure. After all, I lost our bet.”

“I still don’t understand how that happened,” Dan laughed.

“I told you I was a bit rusty.”

“Yes but your first few shots were amazing.”

Phil shrugged. “I guess it was luck.”

There was a lapse in conversation then, and Dan wasn’t intent on leaving Phil just yet. He must have been more drunk than he originally thought because the next thing he knew he was kissing Phil.

Dan pulled away quickly when he realised what he was doing. He was blushing fiercely and he was internally groaning at his stupidity. He’d risked both of their safety and made a fool of himself. He was likely going to get cut from the cast if not worse.

“I’m going to go in now,” Dan muttered. “Goodbye.”

Dan rushed inside and slammed the door leaving Phil to stare blankly at the spot where Dan had disappeared from.

——

When Dad woke up the next morning he had an awful hangover and an even worse memory of the night before. He didn’t feel like getting himself out of bed but he somehow managed to get himself up. He dragged himself to his wardrobe and threw some clothing on before leaving the house and walking to the coffee place he frequented.

When he stepped in the door he immediately shrank into himself. Sitting at one of the tables was Phil with a newspaper in his hand and a cup of coffee in front of him.

Dan almost snuck out of the coffee shop successfully but then Phil made eye contact with him. Dan had no choice but to stay at the shop. He hoped if he acted normal then Phil would forget everything that happened.

He walked toward the counter and ordered a coffee. When it was done he sat at his normal table in the corner of the room. For a few minutes, Dan watched the people passing outside before he heard a chair scrape across from him. “Morning,” Phil stated, sitting down across from Dan.

“Good morning,” Dan muttered.

“Would you like to talk about last night?”

Dan stared at Phil in surprise. He didn’t think Phil was a very blunt person but he guessed there was no beating around the bush when it came to the kiss.

“I want to apologise-" Dan started.

“No I’m not mad.”

“What?”

“I thought you would catch on eventually but I guess you didn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“I like you Dan. I know it’s wrong but I don’t think you’re going to judge me.”

“I wasn’t expecting this.”

“You are a bit dense.”

“I am not.”

“Ok, Daniel.”

“Can I ask what made you wait?”

“I had to make sure you weren’t a homophobe. After all, we don’t live in the most accepting age.”

Dan nodded. He wasn’t surprised that Phil was hesitant because of the world they lived in. Honestly, this was a fairy tale come true, but then again, there would never be a fairy tale about two men.

“What do you want to do then?” Dan asked.

“Well I think I’d like to take you on a date.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

25 notes · View notes

lestered · 5 years ago

Text

hey, brother

t (for language), 3.5k

It’s come time for Phil to reintroduce himself to Dan’s family in the proper context, but there’s one member that he’s not entirely confident about connecting with.

written for pff’s 2019 bingo fest! checks off “in-laws,” “cereal,” and “communication.”

read on ao3 or under the cut

Phil wakes up too early, like he usually does after spending the night in an unfamiliar bed. Not per his usual, though, he remembers where he is before he even opens his eyes, the soreness in his back an immediate reminder that he’s not at home, settled into a nest of warm grey sheets and cushy pillows in a bed with much better support than the double-size air mattress set up on the floor of Dan’s childhood bedroom.

“Uh, it’s not ideal,” Karen had told them while showing them upstairs, pushing open Dan’s closed bedroom door to reveal a large air mattress taking up the majority of the floorspace. “But setting a bed for Phil on the couch seemed a bit stupid, and expecting you both to cram all of your giant limbs into that tiny single bed… seemed even stupider.”

Dan had just laughed and shook his head and tossed his bag lightly onto the center of the comforter spread neatly over their makeshift accommodation. “It’s great, mum. Thank you.”

Phil smiles to himself just thinking about it, still not quite ready to open his eyes. He knows it’s not a big deal, but at the same time it is a big deal - them sharing a bed in Dan’s family home, his mum making one up for them to share without even being asked. Phil knows that it means a lot to Dan, that six months later he’s still reeling from such overwhelming support from the people he’d spent most of his life just trying to hide from. Phil’s happy because Dan’s happy and also because it’s what’s right. That just makes him smile wider and roll onto his other side, reaching his arm out and searching for Dan’s warm body to snuggle into.

When his hand lands on nothing but an empty mattress, though, he frowns, and finally opens his eyes.

The house is quiet while he putters around upstairs, which he reckons is because it’s not even gone 7am according to his phone, which also has a text from Dan explaining that his Nana’s called him over to her house with an iPad-related technology issue. Unlike when they’re in London, he can’t quite get away with ignoring her early-morning calls when she’s just a few minutes away.

Phil does his best to stay quiet too, because his limbs are long and clumsy and Dan’s house is old with creaky floorboards so it’s truly a concerted effort, but he does manage to make it to the bathroom and back without a racket.

When he gets back, he perches on the bed - the real bed, Dan’s single bed, which seems so foreign and faraway now even though he’s literally right on top of it - and checks to see if Dan’s replied to his and how’s that going for you text.

He has.

[Dan]: it’s all good she couldn’t connect to the wifi so i reset her router

[Dan]: she’s making breakfast now

Just reading the word breakfast makes Phil’s stomach grumble, and he stares forlornly at his phone screen as if it’ll make a bowl of cereal materialize right in front of him.

It doesn’t, but he does get another text.

[Dan]: have you eaten yet?

He blinks at the message a couple of times. He’d actually thought that he’d wait for Dan to get home to have breakfast with him. But now that Dan’s otherwise occupied…

[Phil]: Um… no? I didn’t know your grandma was gonna keep you, so I was planning on waiting.

[Dan]: just go get something from the kitchen, you dingus. you’re a big boy, you know how to eat by yourself.

Phil rolls his eyes fondly, but he can’t really ignore the tiny, anxious fluttering in the pit of his stomach, as much as he wants to. He feels kind of stupid sending his next response, but it’s the truth.

[Phil] That’s weird though, it’s not my house. I can’t just like… help myself.

His stomach does another nervous little flip when he sees the three little gray dots pop up on Dan’s side of the screen, then go away again, then pop up again. It’s longer than Dan usually takes to type and it doesn’t take that many words to tell him he’s being daft.

He knows he is. It’s just that stupid anxiety that still crops up every now and then, the kind where he’s scared to make phone calls or answer the door or go to big gatherings and Dan covers him, but he’s not here to do that right now. And he shouldn’t have to be.

When Dan’s message finally pops up, he blows out a deep breath before reading.

[Dan]: i go down to the kitchen and fix myself food all the time when we’re at your parents’ house. i know it’s different here but mum wants you to make yourself at home and so do i so go to the kitchen and get yourself a fucking bowl of crunchy nut, i refuse to come home to see you all grumpy and haggard just because you didn��t have your morning coffee and cereal

Phil has to bite back a smile at that. The idea of getting close to Dan’s family, of making himself comfortable in their space, kind of scares him. He’s pretty sure it scares Dan, too, probably even moreso. But the fact that he wants to try - that he wants them both to try - makes him feel warm inside.

[Dan]: srsly tho. go eat, i won’t be that much longer and then we can hide out in my room for a little while before lunch

He smiles because alone time with Dan is always a treat even when they’ve only been in others’ company for less than a day, and because Dan’s voice of reason has gone and made him properly hungry, more than he can ignore, so he’s going to satiate himself and he’s going to not worry about it on the way.

Phil’s not really sure where to go from here. He doesn’t want to go back up the stairs, because that could accidentally draw attention, and to be caught fleeing from the situation would be embarrassing.

But, he also doesn’t really want to keep walking into the kitchen.

Karen had told them that Adrian wouldn’t be getting here until this afternoon.

Phil doesn’t have a problem with him. He’s seen him enough times, had enough courteous chats with him over ten years. It’s kind of weird looking at him though, going on 22 years old, remembering how he’d been been scared shitless to meet him when he was just 12. He’d been scared shitless to meet Dan’s entire family, even though there wasn't anything to be scared about. He was Dan’s good friend, as far as they were concerned, and they were good at keeping up that act, at least around the family - his dad, his mum, his grandparents.

His brother.

He’s not sure if Adrian even particularly cares about him or his relationship with Dan. He does know that out of his entire family, he’d been the one that Dan was the least scared of coming out to. Phil doesn’t know if that’s because the emotional attachment there was less strong than to his mum and grandma, or because he was just younger and more likely to understand, or both.

Phil just doesn’t really know him.

It makes him a little sad. Dan and Martyn are such good friends and Phil loves it, how well Dan slots in with his family. It feels right.

He has to remind himself all the time that it’s not the same with Dan. That Dan’s family doesn’t mean the same thing to him, that there’s residual fear and anxiety and they’re all still figuring it out with each other as they go and that Phil’s just very, very recently become a real part of it. Sort of. He’s not sure if Dan’s family really knows what to do with him.

To be fair, he’s not really sure what to do with them either. It’s all new. That’s why spending Christmas with Dan’s family feels so huge, even though they’ve all been acting casual about it. He doesn’t feel casual. He doesn’t think any of them do, but it’s a work in progress.

He thinks back to Karen showing them into Dan’s room the day before.

“Next time you come round, we’ll have a proper double bed. It was probably stupid of me to expect you to fit into that single all by yourself once you hit puberty, anyway.”

He remembers seeing Dan’s dimple cave in the way it does when he’s holding back a little smile, remembers thanking her when she left them to get settled in and Dan practically tackling him down onto the mattress. Remembers thinking how happy he was to have another safe space, that he could hardly imagine how Dan must be feeling, with that safe space finally being his own family.

“Oh shit, Phil!”

Adrian’s expression once he’s finally turned around from the kitchen counter is startled, and Phil feels startled in return despite having just been stood there, staring like a freak.

He imagines it’s probably a comical sight from the outside - him standing frozen in his flannel pajama bottoms, Friends t-shirt, mismatched socks, glasses and bedhead, opposite Adrian and his oversized button-up shirt and running shorts, which seems to Phil to be an odd combination, but he supposes he can’t judge. His wrist tattoo peeks out from under the cuff, beside where he’s clutching a glass bottle of ketchup in his hand, and a tablespoon in the other.

“Sorry!” He finally manages, once his initial deer-in-headlights reaction wears off, and he takes a couple steps back. “Didn’t mean to interrupt anything, I’ll leave you to um…” He glances at the ketchup and tablespoon again. “...Whatever you’re doing.”

He’s about to turn back when Adrian sets his spoon down with a slightly-too-loud clamor. “No, that’s alright! I’m just… I don’t need a lot of room,” he turns and pushes the spoon to the side, along with a small bowl and a handful of other ingredients. He’s still gripping the ketchup very firmly when Phil approaches.

“Right, um,” Phil clears his throat a bit. “I just thought I’d come get some… cereal?”

He phrases it like a question, even though it’s not, and quickly follows it up. “Dan’s having breakfast over at your nana’s, I guess, so… he said you guys might have Crunchy Nut.”

Adrian just watches as he opens the cupboard directly in front of him, which contains nothing but bowls and glasses. It kind of hits him then, as he’s taking out a bowl, that he doesn’t really know where the Howells keep anything in their kitchen. He doesn’t know his way around their home the way Dan does with the Lesters’.

Different circumstances, he reminds himself.

He doesn’t overthink anymore, because then Adrian’s handing him a box of Crunchy Nut, which he appears to have grabbed from the cupboard on his right.

“We usually do,” he tells him, before going back to his cluster of ingredients on the counter. “It’s mum’s favorite.”

So that’s where Dan gets it from, he muses.

He thinks about saying as much, but settles instead for a quiet thanks before opening up the box and shaking some into his bowl. He glances over at Adrian while he’s ambling over to put it back in the cupboard, where he seems intently focused on smacking the bottom of the ketchup bottle as he holds it carefully over the tablespoon he’s set out on the counter.

It’s so uncanny to look at him, even still. He and Dan have always looked alike, but the resemblance as they get older just seems to grow. Adrian still looks more like Karen while Dan looks more like their dad, not that Phil would ever bring that up. It’s just one of those things they know but don’t care to acknowledge, because there’s really no point.

It’s not just appearance. Adrian doesn’t just look like Dan, but he talks a lot like him too, he uses the same awkward body language, hand gestures and finger guns, and he’s got a rather foul mouth. Phil assumes he probably picked that up from Dan when they were kids, who picked it up from Karen, who he’s not sure she picked it up from, as their nana’s rather posh and proper and scolds Dan any time he uses a swear word on Twitter.

That particular thought comes to him because Adrian’s currently cursing and mumbling under his breath - another habit he shares with Dan - as he tries and fails to get the ketchup out of the bottle. Phil pulls out a drawer and, relieved to find that it’s in fact the silverware drawer, pulls out a spoon before bumping it closed and looking across the counter.

“Um,” He slides the spoon into his dry cereal. “What are you making?”

Adrian’s head jerks up, as if he’s surprised to see Phil still standing there, before sighing and setting down his bottle of ketchup.

“Making a glaze for the lentil loaf we’re having tonight,” he tells him, and Phil has to do his best to keep a straight face. He knows that Christmas Eve dinner is going to be fully vegan; it’s a deal Karen had made with their grandma, on the condition that she’d be allowed to cook a supplementary turkey and mashed potatoes with real butter for Christmas dinner. He grins a little to himself, knowing that his presence at Christmas this year was a big reason for such a compromise. He knows that were it up to Karen, Dan, and Adrian, Dan’s grandparents might have spent Christmas stuck in Vegan Hell. He likes having that little bit of camaraderie with them, even if that camaraderie is rooted in questionable ethics. “If I can get the ketchup out of this ridiculous fucking bottle,” he glares at the glass bottle in his hand. “I was just trying to save the whales.”

Phil snorts a little, because that’s so like something Dan would say, before glancing between the bottle and the spoon again. “Have you tried putting it in a bowl first?”

Adrian glances at him curiously, and Phil opens cupboard and pulls out another bowl.

“Can I?” He asks, and Adrian wordlessly hands him the bottle. He caps it again, shakes it till the ketchup actually slides down to the bottle opening, before uncapping it and smacking a few globs into the bowl.

“Now just scoop out however much you need, and then you can scrape the excess back into the bottle,” he tells him, and slides the bowl back across the counter. Adrian just stares at it for a second, before breathing out a laugh and dropping his elbows down onto the counter.

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m so stupid,” he picks up the spoon and measures out one tablespoon into the other bowl, then two, then three. “Thanks,” he adds when he’s finished, glancing back over at Phil as he scrapes the leftovers back, as suggested. Phil just nods.

“I can take that,” he offers, and Adrian hands the bottle over again. Phil heads over to the fridge, setting the ketchup inside and searching for a moment before pulling out a carton of almond milk and pouring some into his cereal. Adrian’s eyebrows shoot up in what seems to be pleasant surprise.

“Oh, did Dan finally get you to go vegan too?”

Phil’s confused for a moment, before he actually registers what Adrian’s referencing and he glances at the carton in his hand and quickly sets it back inside the fridge. “Oh, no. No. Not vegan, just lactose intolerant,” he explains awkwardly, and Adrian gives him a slow nod before turning back to his glaze, while Phil takes his first spoonful of cereal.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘finally’?” Phil asks after a few moments of silence, his spoon suspended halfway between the cereal bowl and his mouth. “Has he been trying?”

Adrian glances up from where he’s drizzling a bit of carob syrup into his spoon, and purses his lips as if stifling a laugh, the exact same way Dan does.

“Not actively, I don’t think,” he tells him, setting his syrup to the side and reaching for the balsamic vinegar. “He just complains sometimes that he can’t stick to the vegan diet when you’re always tempting him with animal products.”

Phil holds his gaze for a moment before they both burst out into laughter, him setting his cereal to the side and Adrian doing the same with his vinegar.

“I’m kidding,” Adrian tells him, leaning his hip against the counter. “He just wants someone to blame for the fact that he loves meat and cheese.”

Phil chuckles and turns back to his cereal, because prolonged eye contact still makes him nervous. “The cheese is all him. If it were up to me we wouldn’t have any in the house, I can’t stand it.”

He takes another spoonful of his cereal and then without really thinking adds, “I did a video taste-testing different kinds once and felt sick for nearly a whole day afterwards.”

Adrian nods, smiles a little, and goes back to his balsamic vinegar. Phil kind of regrets saying anything then, because he’s not sure if YouTube is an okay topic for them to broach. Or social media, or the internet in general. He’s had a number of things he’s wanted to say to Adrian for a little while, many of them along the lines of I’m sorry we kept this huge secret from you for so long, but one of them also being I’m sorry our fans harassed you off the internet, especially when you were just a kid. That one’s been brewing for more than a little while, actually. But he has a feeling he should keep his mouth shut. Some things might be best just left in the past, and it’s not really up to him to decide if this is one of them.

“So anyway-” he starts after a few moments of silence, at the same time that Adrian lifts his head and says, “So you guys-”

They pause at the same time, and laugh awkwardly, and Phil leans back against the counter.

“Sorry,” he says. “Go ahead.”

Adrian turns back and briefly stares into his bowl of glaze again. He’s still stirring it idly when he looks up to make eye contact. “So you guys have kinda been through a lot together, huh?”

Phil feels a bit of a lump in his throat and a squirming in the pit of his stomach because this is a conversation he’s had. He’s had it with Dan, with Dan’s mum, and even his grandma. But he never really thought anything would come from his brother. He figured they might have gotten up to some heart-to-hearts on their family trip to France earlier in the year, but he wasn’t expecting that to extend to him.

“Um. Yeah,” he sighs, and drums his fingers on the countertop to release some of the nervous energy. Suddenly Adrian looks so young. Barely younger than Phil was when he met Dan, and that feels like a lifetime ago. When Dan was so full of pain and sorrow and yearning, desperate to get away from the first eighteen years of his life and start anew.

He knows Dan’s life growing up was shitty for reasons besides the homophobic assholes who made his life a living hell at school.

“You guys too, though,” he finally ventures, hesitantly, questioningly.

Adrian seems surprised, but not offended, which comes as a relief.

“Yeah,” he nods and turns back to his bowl of glaze again, beginning to stir again even though it looks thoroughly mixed. “Lots of levels in Portal I couldn’t have beaten without his help.”

That’s not all there is to it, Phil’s painfully aware, but he doesn’t push it. He knows, and he’s sure Adrian knows he knows, and there’s not really any need to go any further.

And luckily there’s no need to try and think of anything else, because just then they hear the front door swinging open, followed by a couple of happy yips and then Dan walking into the kitchen, bringing with him a gust of cold air and Colin trotting at his heels.

“Oh, good, you found the cereal.” Dan says when he notices the bowl sitting on the counter, and when Adrian’s turned away he rests a hand on the small of Phil’s back and quietly kisses his cheek.

Dan’s lips and nose are cold, but Phil’s cheeks warm up all the same.

He occupies himself with his cereal again, which has gone quite soggy, while Dan reaches into the fridge for some orange juice and then glances over at Adrian’s concoction.

“Whatcha making there?” He asks, and Adrian smiles brightly.

“Glaze for the lentil loaf,” he replies, and holds up the spoon. “Wanna taste?”

Dan strides over, and takes a little lick off the spoon. Phil can tell from his expression that he’s not exactly thrilled, but he nods and gives a thumbs up anyway.

“Tastes great,” he tells his brother. “Can’t wait for dinner.”

Adrian catches onto the bullshit, because it’s not that hard, meets Phil’s gaze and joins him in a fond eyeroll.

Phil waits for Dan to come back and stand beside him, bumps their shoulders together, and takes another bite of his Crunchy Nut.

thanks for reading!

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #phandom fic fest #*#fics #bad time to post but i'm impatient #pff bingo 2019

197 notes · View notes

antiadvil · 5 years ago

Text

family reunions and hurt feelings

summary: Just because you're family doesn't mean you always get along.

OR:

Adrian brings his new girlfriend to Easter dinner, and Dan doesn't like her.

rating: PG13

wc: 2.5k

notes: for @catatonichristy

read more or on ao3

Dan was never going to offer to host something again, at least not if it involved any sort of human interaction on his part.

His relationship with his family had always been strained, but the only people from his side of the family he had invited were his mother, his grandparents, and his brother Adrian. Except then Adrian had brought his girlfriend, completely uninvited, and she was lovely enough, but they’d only been dating three months, and Dan hadn’t invited her, goddamnit, he’d invited Adrian. And he definitely couldn’t ask her to leave, because then she’d think they all hated her, and it wasn’t that Dan did, it was just that, well, she had messed up his plans, so maybe he did, a little.

He was going to have some words with Adrian later. Some very strongly worded words. For now, he introduced himself and Phil to Adrian’s girlfriend, made a note of her name (Chelsea), and slipped into the forced smile he used during uncomfortable interviews where they asked too many personal questions about his relationship with Phil or their children.

If Chelsea recognized him and Phil as those washed up YouTubers who were popular five years ago, she didn’t say anything. She was about the right age to have been part of their fanbase at the time, Dan thought cynically. He’d be surprised if she didn’t know who he was at all. And honestly, if she knew who Dan was, what were the odds that she hadn’t recognized Adrian’s last name?

It was bad enough that Adrian had brought Chelsea, but he had also brought her early, and Dan and Phil’s daughter was in no way dressed enough for a family gathering, let alone a family gathering where a near stranger was attending.

Phil gently touched Dan’s arm, sensing his stress. “I’ll go get Fiona ready,” he said.

Dan wished desperately that he had time to lean into Phil’s touch, but the roast was in the oven and Chelsea’s eyes were lingering on Phil’s hand, so he didn’t. “Thank you,” he said to Phil, then, to Adrian and Chelsea, “I’m just finishing up in the kitchen, if you don’t mind joining.”

Adrian and Chelsea followed Dan politely to the kitchen, still holding hands, and leaned against the counter while Dan busied himself with the roast. Adrian cleared his throat. “How are things going with Fiona?” he asked politely.

“She’s doing well,” Dan said. Normally he could easily be coaxed into hours of conversation about his daughter, but he wasn’t in the mood today. “How are you?”

“We’re good!” Adrian said, and Dan felt a twinge of annoyance at the use of “we” when he had only been asking about Adrian. “Things are actually going well for my photography business, and Chelsea might get a promotion soon-”

“Oh?” Dan asked. “What do you do, Chelsea?”

“I’m a lawyer,” she beamed.

Dan turned to the stove to hide his frown. “That’s nice,” he managed through gritted teeth.

Adrian spoke up. “I told her that you went to law school.”

It was nicer than saying he had dropped out of law school, at least. “I did,” he acknowledged. “Briefly.” He opened the oven to check on the roast, which looked like it could use a few more minutes.

“Do you need any help with anything?” Chelsea asked, and a bolt of annoyance shot through Dan. Now someone was asking?

“I think I’m good, thanks,” Dan said, turning back to them.

Luckily, Phil and Fiona came back into the kitchen to rescue Dan.

“Daddy!” Fiona squealed, running to Dan and clutching at his legs in a failed attempt at a hug. Dan smiled- a genuine one this time- and scooped her into her arms. Her white and pink dress rustled.

“You remember Uncle Adrian, right?” he asked Fiona.

She nodded, clutching Dan’s shirt. Dan continued. “And this is his girlfriend Chelsea. Can you say hi?”

“Hi,” Fiona said, eyes wide.

Dan kissed her forehead and set her down, mussing with her hair.

“Oy,” Phil said. “Don’t mess with the hair. It took me thirty minutes to get it untangled this morning.”

The doorbell rang. Dan shot Phil a confused look- why were so many people showing up early today? Phil just shrugged. “Can you get that?” he asked. “I’ll take care of the food.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, grateful for an excuse to escape. He left the kitchen, reaching to pat Fiona’s head as he left. He opened their front door to Martyn and Cornelia.

“You’re early,” he said, relieved.

“Phil texted us,” Martyn whispered. “Apparently your brother showed up too early so we should too?”

Dan thought he might cry, he was so grateful. “Yes,” he whispered back. “Thank you so much.”

“It was no problem,” Cornelia reassured him. “Thank you for hosting.”

“Of course,” Dan said, although he still slightly regretted it. “We’re in the kitchen.”

They followed him, where Martyn and Cornelia immediately got to work unpacking the food they had brought, asking Phil if there was anything else they could do, and introducing themselves to Adrian and Chelsea.

They were the model houseguests. Dan again resisted the urge to cry.

Phil stepped up beside Dan. “I texted my mum and dad. They’re coming as soon as possible too.”

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand. “Thank you.”

After about fifteen more minutes of awkward chit-chat, the doorbell rang again. This time, it was Phil who slipped away to answer the door. He returned with his parents a few moments later.

“Dan!” Kathryn drew him into an unexpected but welcome hug while Nigel hung a bit back.

“Kath! It’s good to see you!”

Things returned to normal, at least, as normal as family reunions could be. Adrian and Chelsea continued to hold hands and stand way too close together. Dan politely ignored their cheek kisses. He assumed everyone else did too- either that or they were somehow immune to such blatant displays of heterosexuality.

The roast somehow escaped from Dan and Phil’s oven unharmed, to everyone’s surprise. Their dinner went nicely, with minimal spillage of food on Fiona’s dress and barely any arguing about politics. Adrian and Chelsea sat across from each other, so Dan didn’t have to see them holding hands under the table.

It wasn’t that they weren’t cute. They were, Dan had to admit. But they were so young, so perfect, so painfully straight, so lost in their own little world. Dan was sitting right next to Phil and he still felt like he was third wheeling.

Dan idly wondered if this was what it was like being around him and Phil all the time. No, he decided, he and Phil were undeniably a unit, but they didn’t advertise it. Not with the constant, neverending whispers, giggles, glances, squeezing of hands. Maybe it was awkward sometimes, being around two people who knew each other so well, but being around Dan and Phil never felt like you were actively being excluded. Dan hoped it didn’t, anyway.

They got a moment of respite during the easter egg hunt. Fiona was the only grandchild of the family (even if Kathryn kept bugging Martyn and Cornelia to do something about that), but they still set out a bunch of easter eggs for her to find in Dan and Phil’s backyard. Phil delegated the responsibility of finding appropriate hiding spaces to Adrian and Chelsea, and Martyn and Cornelia insisted on clearing the table, leaving Dan, Phil, Fiona, Kathryn, and Nigel a minute to relax in the living room.

“What do you think of Chelsea?” Dan found himself asking the room at large.

Nigel just shrugged. “Adrian’s not my son. I don’t have any place saying anything about her.”

Kath also shrugged. “She seems nice enough. Bit early to be introducing her to the family, though, isn’t it?”

Thank god someone agreed. “A bit,” Dan agreed.

Phil quickly steered the conversation to a different subject. “Fiona’s been having a really good time at school lately.”

“Oh?” Kath said, setting down her cup of tea on the coffee table. “Do you want to tell me about it, sweetie?” she asked, extending her arms for her granddaughter to climb into. Fiona left her place by Phil’s side to climb into Kath’s lap.

“It’s fun,” she mumbled.

“Oh yeah?” she said, patting Fiona’s hair. “What parts?”

“Ava and I paint lots of pictures,” Fiona mumbled again.

“Who’s Ava?” Nigel asked.

Fiona hid her face in Kath’s shirt.

“Ava’s one of her friends from school,” Phil supplied.

“Is she nice?” Kath asked, petting Fiona’s head.

Fiona mumbled something, muffled by Kath’s shirt.

Kath switched tactics. “Can we see some of the paintings?”

Fiona happily led Kath and Nigel to the fridge where her paintings were hung, proudly presenting her work.

Phil smiled, reaching his hand for Dan’s and threading their fingers together, squeezing reassuringly. “You’re doing great,” he whispered.

“I’m not,” Dan whispered back.

“You haven’t killed him yet,” Phil said. “That’s good enough.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “The bar is literally on the floor.”

“Just don’t start digging, okay?”

Dan patted Phil’s cheek with his free hand. “I won’t.”

Adrian stepped back inside, closely followed by Chelsea. Dan let go of Phil’s hand and moved back a bit. To Dan’s surprise, they separated. Adrian peeled off to stand by Dan.

“Hey, Dan,” he said, worrying at his bottom lip. “Can we talk?”

Dan glanced out. “I was going to take Fiona out to look for the eggs before it got dark-”

Fiona heard the words “easter eggs” and came running. “It’s Easter egg time?” she asked.

“In a minute, honey,” Dan said absently.

Kath appeared close behind Fiona. “Nigel and I can take Fiona out to look for the eggs while you and Adrian talk,” Kath offered.

“Oh,” Dan said. “I guess that works.” He had been hoping to put off talking to his brother for as long as possible, but it wasn’t looking like he’d get the chance too.

“Perfect!” Kath said, leading Fiona out the door.

Adrian led Dan to the little hallway just off of the foyer. “What did you want to talk about?” Dan asked.

“What do you think of Chelsea?” Adrian asked.

“Why do you ask?” Dan said carefully.

“Because she’s my girlfriend, and I want to know what my family thinks of her,” Adrian said, annoyed.

Dan sighed.

“What?” Adrian asked.

“Why’d you bring her?” Dan asked.

“Because she’s my girlfriend,” Adrian said.

“You’ve been dating for three months, Adrian.”

His face was stony. “So?”

“I’m just saying, that’s not exactly enough time to be considered family.” He hadn’t started bringing Phil to family events until he came out to them a little under four years into Dan and Phil’s relationship.

Adrian narrowed his eyes. “Just because I didn’t wait for five fucking years, telling everyone we were just roommates-”

“Jesus, Adrian, are you two living together? After three months?”

“No! God, Dan, I’m just saying-”

“You’re just saying that I should have come out sooner because it would be more convenient for you. I get it.” If Dan knew that his previous anger was the tiniest bit unjustified, he didn’t have any such concerns now. Implying that Dan had wanted to hide in the closet for all those years crossed a line, and they both knew it.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“What did you mean, then?” Dan asked. “Explain.”

Adrian raised his hands in defense. “I meant that three months is a perfectly fine amount of time to wait before introducing someone to your family, all right? That’s all. I really like Chelsea and I wanted you all to meet her.”

“That’s another thing,” Dan said coldly. “Sure you like her, but you don’t know her. You’ve known her, what? Three months?”

“Six,” Adrian said. “We were friends before-”

“Oh, six then. Excuse me.” Dan knew he was going too far, but he couldn’t help it- he wanted to push this thing as far as it could go, until maybe it broke. “You two are so young,” he scoffed.

“You were eighteen.” Adrian looked Dan up and down in disgust. “Phil was twenty two. Get off your fucking high horse. Just because you have millions of people on the internet telling you how great your relationship is and how you’re the fucking epitome of love-”

Dan thought his eyes might be burning holes through Adrian now, but Adrian brazenly continued.

“Not all of us have your perfect fucking fairytale romance, you know. Some of us have to make do with what we have.”

“Adrian?” Chelsea’s voice came from the foyer. “What’s going on?”

“Chelsea,” he said, turning to her instantly. “I’m sorry, Dan and I are just...” He gestured fruitlessly between him and Dan. “Just talking,” he finished lamely.

“Oh,” she said.

“I think maybe we should go,” Adrian said.

Dan held back his sigh. “Don’t go,” he forced himself to say.

“I’ll see you at Christmas,” Adrian said.

Dan wasn’t sure if Adrian had meant for that comment to cut as deeply as it did.

He and Adrian had never been particularly close. There were just so many years between them, and so much else getting in the way. It wasn’t Dan’s intention that they grow up to be the kind of siblings who only ever saw each other on family holidays. It just kind of worked out that way.

“I’ll see you,” he said softly.

After Adrian and Chelsea left, everyone else slowly trickled out as well. It was about time for them to leave anyway- it was getting late.

After hugging everyone goodbye and making sure no one forgot anything, Dan, Phil, and Fiona were left standing in the foyer. Dan sighed, looking at the kitchen. He was never going to offer to host ever again. The cleanup was going to take way too long.

“Fiona, it’s time for bed,” Phil said, noticing the look in Dan’s eyes.

“Thank you,” Dan mouthed at Phil, who nodded in acknowledgement.

Phil led Fiona to her room, and Dan collapsed onto the couch. He sat, motionless, staring into the backyard. He thought he could see a flashes of brightly colored plastic left over from the Easter egg hunt illuminated by passing headlights. Fiona must have missed some eggs. He and Phil would have to pick those up up later, he though.

Phil sat down next to Dan on the couch.

“God,” Dan said. “That was a disaster.”

Phil rubbed Dan’s arm in sympathy. “I’m sorry.”

“I just wanted to have a nice day with my family,” Dan said.

“I wanted you to too,” Phil said, reaching over to kiss Dan’s forehead and pull him to his chest.

“Everything sucks,” Dan said, muffled into Phil’s shirt.

“I know,” Phil said. “I’m sorry.” He paused. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Hold me,” Dan said.

“Check,” Phil said, gathering Dan a little bit closer.

“Tighter,” Dan said.

Phil pulled him in closer.

“More,” Dan said.

Phil squeezed Dan as tightly as he could, then let go. “Dan, I feel like I’m going to hurt you,” he said.

“You won’t,” Dan said. “Please just. Please.”

Phil didn’t pretend to understand why Dan needed him like this, but he didn’t argue. He just held him.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #parent!phan #my writing

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paradisobound · 5 years ago

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Starstruck

Summary: Phil attends all of Dan Howell’s concerts. In fact, he makes it a rule to even record every one he goes to. You could say he was in love with Dan Howell and in fact, that wouldn’t be a lie because he’s actually Dan’s fiancé. Too bad Dan’s fans see him as the creepy guy at Dan’s concerts.

Warnings: A brief mention of sex but not explicit.

Word Count: 3.6k

Genre: Famous singer!Dan and present!phil

A/N: I thought of this fic after finding out Sophie Turner attends a lot of the Jonas Brother’s Concerts because of Joe and I thought it would be cute to write a fic with a slightly different side! Happy reading :)

**Read on Ao3**

“Dan Howell we love you!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan!”

Phil groaned as looked through the screen of his phone at the video recording of his fiancé up on stage. That was one thing Dan did make Phil promise to do if Phil was going to be attending every concert on his tour: record each show.

So, Phil, being the best fiancé he could be, made a bunch of storage onto an old iPhone he found laying around their flat and proceeded to record and attend each show on Dan’s United States Tour. Tonight, they were in some place called Buffalo and Phil couldn’t really make out what was even going on here besides the fact that Canada and Niagara Falls was literally on the other side of the city.

It was night 13 and although Phil knew Dan would never admit it, Dan was tired. Phil could tell on the screen as his body lagged a bit more than it did in rehearsals and his singing was a bit off key. Not like any of the screaming girls and boys could tell the difference but Phil had been to enough rehearsals and shows to tell with Dan was struggling a bit with his energy.

But, it was the last song before the encore. Phil’s phone battery was struggling to hold on and his arm was getting a bit tired holding it as steady as he could for Dan’s big ‘project’ that he wants the footage for.

“Remember that the footage has to be usable, Phil. That means I don’t want your shaky arm trying to focus on me.”

Phil laughed in his head as he replayed Dan’s words to him the night Phil told him he was attending each show and Dan told him about his master plans—which were also a secret…to Phil anyway. Phil hadn’t pushed the matter when Dan had made it clear he didn’t want to tell anyone his plan so Phil had just went along with it. Although he does in a way wish he could know why he’s getting an arm ache every night.

The music to Dan’s final song cuts out and everyone starts cheering. Dan’s smiling, Phil’s smiling back, knowing Dan can’t see him but he can feel it, and everything has gone perfectly once again for another night.

Dan walks off the stage and the band continues to play and Phil sees a few people begin to trickle out from the corner of his eye but he just shrugs it off as people wanting to leave early or wanting to beat the crowd. He tries not to feel a little bit hurt when he sees some people leave the show early even though an irrational part of his brain wants people to stay and see what his fiancé is doing on the stage.

Its radio silent in the stadium. Phil is still shocked that Dan managed to sell out a nearly 40,000 person stadium but he has. Just as people look defeated and ready to leave, Dan comes back out in an entirely new outfit and the whistles and cheers begin again.

Dan’s final two songs are Phil’s favorite. But that’s honestly because they’re about him. If people didn’t know the meaning of Dan’s songs, they would think they were about a childhood love or even a teenage love that blossomed into more. They wouldn’t know that they, quite literally, told the world about his and Phil’s long-term relationship.

As Dan belted out the lyrics about blue eyes and raven hair, Phil felt the hair on his arm prickle up a bit and goosebumps form. He always gets chills. He remembers when Dan first wrote the pieces and read the lyrics to Phil. Phil had cried so hard and just held Dan close as Dan just giggled and kissed his cheek.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because they’re beautiful, Dan.”

“Yeah, well, you’re just as beautiful too.”

It was cheesy. Of course it was. But in the words of another Dan lyric, “it was meant to be cheesy”.

Just as Phil’s phone gives the final battery warning, Dan’s set finally ends and a shower of sparks sprays up as confetti falls all over the floor. Phil reached out and caught a few pieces himself and pocketed them in his jean jacket. He was saving those for his own special surprise.

Dan left the stage and the lights slowly turned on and Phil waited for the mass crowd of girls around him to dissipate before he snuck around to the stage entrance and visited Dan in the dressing room.

Dan’s security guards knew him by face so he didn’t have to say anything when he walked behind the stage and ended up by a door that he opened to a long hallway. When he got the dressing room and saw Dan’s name on the door, he knocked once and pressed it open.

“Hey!”

Phil shut the door behind him as he walked in to Dan sprawled out on the couch, his arms flopped down by his side. “You did amazing tonight.”

Dan turned his head and smiled at him, his face red and a bit sweaty, his make up a bit melted. “You’d say that even if I fucked up every song.”

Phil walked over and sat down on the other end of the couch. Dan immediately sat up and scooted towards Phil before flopping into his chest and relaxing. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s upper body and pulled him close, bending down and kissing the top of his head.

Just as Dan’s body relaxed a bit further and Phil felt the rest of his muscles tense, the door opened and Dan’s manager walked in, her phone in head. “We’re going to have to leave within the hour to get on the road towards Pittsburgh.”

Dan just nodded and smiled at her as he pulled away from Phil and stretched. He was still fully in his costume—well, it was an outfit but it was pretty costume-like too in Phil’s opinion but the sparkles and glitter sequins on the black leather covering Dan’s arms.

“You should get dressed,” Phil says turning to Dan. “Tonight is going to be a tour bus night and I don’t feel like having you complain the entire time that your jeans are too constricting.”

Dan scoffed and reached out, slapping his arm. “That was once and you had no problem helping me get the jeans off so I don’t want to hear you complain, you twat.”

Phil just giggled and leaned over, capturing Dan’s lips in a quick kiss. He still gets butterflies in his chest when he kisses Dan and he loves that. He loves that Dan still has the same affect on him as he did when they were teenagers, meeting for the first time in a bar in Manchester. Dan was singing for a cover band and Phil was just a lonely college student looking to have a few drinks.

It was really like fate that they actually took each other to bed that same night but then both simultaneously decided that being together only once wasn’t going to cut it and nearly ten years and one proposal later, here they were. Phil supporting Dan on tour as Phil works from his laptop for the BBC.

“Maybe if you’re good we can celebrate in the hotel room tomorrow night,” Dan whispers before pressing another kiss to Phil’s lips. Phil just smiles into it and kisses back one more time for good measure.

“Hm…maybe.”

Dan shoves Phil back with a laugh as he finally stands up and makes his way over to his suitcase in the corner that was filled with all of his stuff. Phil watched as he took off his outfit and hung it on a hanger for the crew to grab later and then put on a pair of sweatpants and Phil’s baggy York University sweatshirt.

Phil gave that to Dan when they first started dating so when Dan went back home at night, he would still have Phil with him. Now, Phil would love to have that hoodie back but Dan quite literally growls when Phil even makes that suggestion so he lets Dan have it now.

They grab the rest of Dan’s stuff and then make their way out the back to their tour bus and get inside with minimal people around…thankfully. They take a seat on one of the couches on the side and Dan curls up onto Phil just as Phil wraps his arms around him once more.

They’ll go to the bedroom soon where they’ll sleep but for right now, they were just going to sit and relax for the ride.

***

Something surprising happens when Phil wakes up the next morning, a bit disoriented as he realizes he’s on the moving bus. He checks his phone and goes on Twitter and sees that ‘Daniel Howell Live’ is still trending on Twitter. He curiously checks the hashtag because hey, if he can find some good video and good photos for PR, he’ll have Dan’s manager ask the people for permission to use them. So he scrolls a bit and he scrolls a bit more and suddenly there is a photo of him, stood at his seat, recording the show.

Has anyone else noticed this guy is at every show??? What does a middle aged man go to all of Dan’s shows?? That’s creepy.

After that tweet, there was a thread and apparently there was a photo of him taken at every show and he legit didn’t know about it. He, in fact, had zero idea anyone was taking his photo and he genuinely was a bit freaked out by it.

He read a few more tweets.

He’s been at every show I’ve gone to! I’ve noticed him! Maybe he’s a stalker of Dan…how gross. Dan’s not gay.

Phil had to scoff at that, loud enough that Dan turned over in his sleep and settled his weight into Phil’s chest, knocking his phone slightly out of the way so his head could rest there. “What are you laughing at?” Dan asked, his sleepy voice so slurred Phil could hardly understand what he was talking about.

“Just some tweet I read saying you weren’t gay.”

Dan snorted and reached up, making grabby hands for Phil’s phone so Phil handed it over and Dan sat up a bit and looked at the tweets. “These are actually kind of laughable.”

“I know.”

“They think you’re my stalker.” Dan laughed. “Who even pays attention to whether or not someone is at a show every night?”

Phil shrugged because he genuinely didn’t know either.

Phil knew that fans speculated about Dan’s sexuality though. Really, it’s been a source of talk ever since Dan’s first big break a few years back when he opened up for Taylor Swift on her European Tour. But Phil also knows that Dan has made it completely clear that he wants to keep his sexuality and his relationship with Phil only for private. And Phil completely gets that.

They’ve been out since they started dating to close friends and family. Phil’s been out to everyone he’s known since university. But Dan has always had a bit more trouble accepting his sexuality and for that, Phil understands Dan’s hesitation when he says he’s not ready to share that side of his life yet.

But Phil loves Dan more than anything else. He loves his smile, his dimples, his laugh, and the way he insults him when they’re being silly. But he also loves the side of Dan no one sees. The side where sex and love and intimacy is involved. He even let a selfish part of himself think about that while they were in bed together the other night. A part of him that when he fucked into Dan, he thought about how no one else knew this side of Dan: this was the side that only Phil got to see.

“Hm…” Dan says, breaking Phil’s thoughts. “It’s quite amusing to me that so many fans are so adamant to say I’m straight. Like, I think it’s actually quite obvious that I’m gay in the same way that I know it’s obvious I like dick but…”

Phil squeaked and pushed a hand over Dan’s mouth to get him to stop that thought right there and Dan just opened his lips and licked a fat stripe over Phil’s palm that had Phil cringing and pulling his hand away.

“You’re easy to break, ya know.” Dan says, laying his head on Phil’s chest so he can look up him. His big brown doe eyes were like pools that Phil could get lost in.

“It’s because I love you too much.”

Dan kisses Phil’s chest. “Mm…love you too.”

They get off from the bus not long after to check into their hotel and put their suitcases in their room. Afterwards, it was straight to the venue to prepare and do the soundcheck and Phil was going to walk around and explore Pittsburgh a bit more, seeing as he’s never been before.

That night, he ends up in the same floor pit that he was in the night before, like he always is, with his phone fully charged and ready to go. He sends Dan a quick ‘good luck, i love you so much’ message before he puts his phone away and takes out the one to record.

The show goes smoothly and everyone is happy and the night ends the same way with Phil retreating back and visiting Dan just as Dan is getting out of his costume. He leaves with Dan to go to the hotel and when they get back into the room, he goes on Twitter again and happens to see the same thread but with new photos of him.

The man was at Pittsburgh too!! Does @danielhowell know he has a stalker?? Should we contact the police?

Phil rolled his eyes and showed Dan the tweets to which Dan replied with an eye roll and a “for fucks sake!” before he flopped onto the bed and rolled towards Phil to snuggle.

“Gonna have to get security after me apparently,” Phil playfully jokes.

Dan swings his leg over Phil’s hip and sits flush on his hips as he leans down and kisses Phil soundly on the mouth. “Maybe so.” He whispers with a smirk, placing his hand on Phil’s jaw. “Maybe I’ll have to tell security that a hot guy has been chasing after me since my uni days and he follows me to all of my concerts and he also happens to be my fiancé who is fucking great in bed and…yeah, I’d really like to continue the great in bed part right about now.”

So after a quick round of sex that left them both breathless, Phil fell asleep with the thoughts in his mind about what they were supposed to do. Dan had a two day break before his show in Albany so he hopes by then maybe everyone will forget about him.

But somehow, he fears they won’t.

***

Dan flubs up on accident in Albany.

Phil doesn’t realize what he’s done until the young girl sitting next to him on the floor is pointing out the silver band on Dan’s ring finger.

It’s his engagement ring and as soon as Phil sees it, his heart stops a bit in his chest because he knows Dan is gonna have to answer for this. He’s going to have to answer for why he suddenly is wearing a ring on that finger when he never did before…well, in the public eye anyway.

Phil proposed to Dan over three years prior but they both agreed on not planning any of their wedding until Dan’s done with his United States tour. Phil was completely fine with that but Dan wore his ring all of the time when it was just them or he was going out with friends.

He normally keeps it safe on the bus or in the safe in the hotel room but he must have forgotten to take it off.

And fuck other people are pointing now and he hopes to God Dan cannot notice what is happening.

At the end of the show, Phil practically runs to Dan’s dressing room where Dan is crying softly on the couch, his face scrunched up as he struggles to hold in the tears of guilt and frustration that he can read so clearly on Dan’s face. He runs over to him and gathers him tight as Dan lets them go and apologizes to Phil for wearing it.

“I forgot I had it on.” Dan said through strangled tears.

“It’s okay.”

“But it’s not!” Dan cried. “Oh my God I’ve fucked up so bad.”

And while that turned out to not be entirely true, Phil did reassure him as much as possible that everything was going to be okay.

***

The tabloids talk about it first.

Dan Howell Spotted With Mystery Ring on Left Hand in Albany Show.

That seemed to be the headline written everywhere like a slap across the face.

All of the fangirls were crying. What women is he secretly married to? What is that ring? When did this all happen? How could this all happen?

Phil felt like he had whiplash reading all of the comments.

“We’re going to have to address this,” Phil says softly.

“I know.”

They’re sat in a hotel in Boston now, waiting for the show to begin in a few hours. They had snuck away for a private talk and everyone had let them go. They needed to discuss this, no matter how hard it could be.

“I know you don’t want to out us…”

“No,” Dan says, biting his lip. “I…I think I have to.”

“You don’t have to,” Phil says. “You could always say you want to be private and…”

“How long is that privacy really going to last, Phil?” Dan asked, his voice defeated. “Is it going to last for a year or only for an hour? People are already commenting about you and you’ve done nothing…maybe we should just come out.”

“If that’s what you want.”

Dan bites his lip and bit harder and then looks Phil in the eyes as he nods. “It’s what I want.”

“Okay,” Phil says, leaning in for a kiss. “It’s what I want too.”

Phil wanted whatever was best for Dan and if this was best, then he wanted to go along with it.

They made their way back to the stadium and Phil opted for standing off the side of the stage instead of in the audience, just in case. He’d seen some of Dan’s earlier shows this way but never once has he seen him play such a sold out show from the sidelines.

They concert begins as normal and Phil notices that Dan is wearing his ring again, not taking it off and he feels his heart flutter a bit. Dan does his normal songs and routines and then before they know it, the encore is starting.

But right before it does, Dan asks if the audience can get quiet for a moment.

“As many of you all know,” he begins into his microphone. “The next few songs I have written are about someone very special in my life. I’ve been hiding them from you for a very long time now and I really just…don’t want to anymore. They’re such a massive part of who I am today and who I will be in the future and I don’t want to continue hiding them anymore. And it’s not fair to you guys either.

Suddenly Dan turns to where Phil is standing and Phil feels his heart give out a bit. Dan motions for Phil to walk out and Phil looks down at his black Vibes shirt and ripped jeans and feels like he’s not properly addressed for this but he starts walking out anyway and there are suddenly cheers and yells and Phil doesn’t know what’s happening.

“Everyone, meet my fiancé Phil.” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand and standing close to him. “You all have been talking about him quite a bit online so here is my apparent stalker who is actually just my fiancé and partner for the last 1o years.”

Dan leans over and kisses Phil on the cheek and Phil feels a bit flush at all of this. Like he doesn’t know what’s happening anymore but he also doesn’t entirely mind it.

“Okay, now get off the stage you dork. You’re stealing my show.”

Dan turns to Phil and wraps a hug around him and Phil hugs him back, holding him close as he kisses Dan’s neck once and lets him go, lingering their hands touching for a bit too long as he disembarks down the stage with Dan’s security guard and stands in the audience once again, looking up at Dan with all of the love in the world.

Social media went crazy that night, but really Phil didn’t mind. He went to the rest of the shows as promised and recorded all of them too. At the end of the tour, he finally asked Dan what the footage was for and Dan finally told him.

“It’s for our wedding.” He says, not adding anything more.

Phil just holds him tight and kisses his cheek some more.

Life is going to be a bit hectic for a while, but at least he won’t be seen as the stalker fan anymore, and now he’ll be treated as Dan’s fiancé: a title he is more than proud to have.

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #fluff #smut #angst #princesslexi763fics

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madzilla84 · 5 years ago

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VidCon London 2020

I wrote up some rambly thoughts on Vidcon, my trip, and Phil day!

I arrived in London the night before the others, last Thursday (a week ago?? WOT), so went straight to my friend’s place in London – we went to a pub near his for pizza, and while I was there I saw Dan’s cute tweet. After a few wines, it made me super emotional as you can imagine. I love him. <3

We had some more drinks once we got back, which made the next morning … well.

Friday – Day 1

YUP, HANGOVER. But luckily not a ‘can’t function’ hangover, so once I’d packed up I made my way over to the Airbnb (it was fuckin WIMDY) to leave the luggage (too early to check in). The previous occupants were a group of Lads who’d left the place in a state, so it was still being cleaned. HONESTLY BOYS SMH)

Then I headed to the complex’s on-site café (ooh errr) and spent some time trying to figure out what to write in the card I wanted to give to Phil. My roomies @yikesola, @ahappydnp and @calvinahobbes arrived a little later and we checked into the flat, and basically hung out and chatted until it was time to head to registration. Which was a good decision as the line was super small on Friday night. Gotta say, the feeling of seeing Phil so big and so central on all the banners and posters for the con made me feel so proud of him. As other people have mentioned, there was some – curiosity, I guess? Worry? – about whether it would be weird seeing him there doing his first event like this on his own in a *very* long time, but somehow it wasn’t, at any point.

We spotted Martyn checking in further down the hall, which was probably the first moment it all started to Feel Real. We (slightly awkwardly at first in my case lol) met a bunch of online folks in the registration area, and tagged along for a cable car ride over the river (did I mention it was WIMDY) to the O2 arena for dinner. When we all sat down to eat I realised I was sitting opposite two friends from IDB! \o/ We headed back after the meal to hang out and PREPARE for what was about to come.

Saturday - Day 2 - PHIL DAY

We started off by going for breakfast – naturally pancakes – and then headed across to the con. The first event of the day was the comedy panel that Phil was on, so we went across to the panel room early and ended up sitting through the panel before that one, ‘Out and Online’, which was probably – Phil notwithstanding – the better of the two I saw.

During that first panel – and really all morning up to that point – I’d started to feel increasingly nervous. I’d never met Dan or Phil before, and the fact it was happening imminently was suddenly hitting me. Not to mention it was very hot in the panel room that day, and – yeah. By the time the LGBT+ panel finished, I was just like the *screaming internally* meme.

The only other time I’d seen D&P in person with my own eyes was at Interactive Introverts – non-VIP, and I was quite far from the stage, so I couldn’t see them well, y’know? So when the panellists walked in for the comedy panel, I turned around and saw Phil properly in person for the first time. And… wow. I’m sure I hardly need to tell anyone on this forum how attractive he is, but I was just blown away by how beautiful he is in person. He just seems to, like, glow.

And I was absolutely in love with his jacket, which I thought was new at first (it took me a while to place it was the one from the II promo photos). He just looked wonderful, and I went full Heart Eyes Motherfucker as he took his seat with the others. And once I’d actually seen him, somehow I felt less anxious and stressed.

The panel was okay �� I wasn’t familiar with the other attendees and I’m not sure theirs is the sort of content I’d necessarily watch – lots of prank vids and the like, but they def had some fans in the room. But it was obvious the majority of the attendees were there for Phil, and I noticed him looking around the room at all the people there for him throughout, making eye contact with lots of people. I’m sure he made brief eye contact a couple of times, which made me go !!!!! It was obvious the panelists were at quite different stages of their careers, which was a little dissonant sometimes, but also quite sweet – Phil was very encouraging to the younger, more inexperienced members of the panel, which was very lovely. Lucky them to have such a kind senpai.

After that we only had a quick break (mainly to down water after being boiled to death in the panel room) before it was time to get in line for Phil’s meet and greet. The wait for him to arrive was weirdly fast but also interminably long, and I spent most of it panicking about what I was going to say to Actual Phil Lester in a matter of minutes.

But soon enough he arrived, shook hands with the photographer, did a lil hop to wave to everyone in the crowd who was waving at him, and then off we went.

I wasn’t sure what to expect – I’ve had pics before with celebs at conventions, and every con is different in how they handle photos. Some really rush you through, but this one was pretty good, I thought – you had plenty of time to say whatever you wanted to say, or give gifts – I thought we were supposed to leave them in a box somewhere, but no, we were to give them directly to Phil, who had a little table to put them on. Obviously I wanted to give him a hug, too, but would I be too awkward to ask for one once I actually got up there, I wondered?

But as it turned out I needn’t have worried; I could watch people meeting him from where we were in the line, and from the very first person, he opened his arms for a big hug from everyone who went up to meet him. Watching people running into his arms was making me really emotional – he just has such a great connection with his people. You could tell he was happy to be there and liked meeting us all. He took so many cute photos with people. We noticed he had a Sharpie and was signing things, which we hadn’t been told about beforehand, so I hadn’t brought anything special - ended up getting him to sign my con badge as a souvenir.

There were 3 of us, and @yikesola took one for the team and volunteered to go first. I watched how much fun they were having, how easily they chatted and hugged and posed for their cute photo and thought to myself, please don’t be a total buffoon when you go up there…

Soon enough it was my turn. Walking up for these things is always nervewracking and awkward – except this time, once it was time, Phil turned around, looked at me, smiled and opened his arms and I knew it would be okay.

I walked over and hugged him, and he probably had to bend down quite a lot, lol. I reached up over his shoulder to hug him, which meant being on tiptoes, of course; as many people have said in the past, he didn’t let go until you did. He was so gentle. <3 I maybe hugged him for a little longer than I might usually with someone I didn’t know because of it; he just has such comforting and welcoming vibes. And no, before anyone asks, I didn’t notice what he smelled like – we were talking about it after and I don’t think any of us did. I don’t in general unless someone’s wearing reasonably strong perfume/cologne, I don’t think, unless I’m hugging them for a really long time. ANYWAY.

The now-famous jacket (which looked so good!!) was soft AF. I handed over my lil gift – he spotted the chocolate and was pretty happy about that.

I then had a little time to talk to him but, like, how do you condense into a few seconds what someone means to you, how much they’ve helped you or how much you appreciate them? So I ended up going with one of the main reasons I came to love Phil so much as a creator – someone around my age still making such fun content. I don’t mean it like, ‘wow, at your age!!’ lol, which I’m not sure he would have appreciated, more like – when you get to a certain age, people often expect you to leave certain interests and behaviours aside (we see it all the time with these ‘ew people over 30 in fandom?? Gross’ posts), and Phil is still being himself and doing what he wants and not letting that affect him, and I just think that’s really great and it’s meant a lot to me. So we talked about that a bit. He said you should be able to be creative at any age. <3 Talking to him wasn’t like I expected – I don’t know what I expected, really, but I thought he might have more of a – nervous energy, maybe? Or just a bit more – y’know, ‘AmazingPhil’? But no, he was chill and confident and had this ease about him that was so comforting in person. I know he’s an introvert and probably holed up on the couch for a week after meeting all those people (hard same), but he really is so good at talking to people and making them feel at ease; everyone looked so happy walking away from him.

About halfway through the convo I had to work really hard to keep my brain on track and not just descend into babbling nonsense because he was looking me in the eye and listening attentively and bruh!!! That is … a hell of a thing! Not only is he so beautiful, but he really listens, and cares about what you’re saying, and is actually interested and not just going ‘uh huh, uh huh …’ like other celebs can do. His expression and demeanour was so friendly and open and welcoming, and honestly I just felt like I could talk to him for hours.

We then posed for the official photo they took, and hugged for it – when I’ve had other photo ops in the past where I’m standing close to the person I’ve been prone to nervous giggling, but this time I felt really relaxed and happy.

And that was it! I reluctantly said goodbye and headed off and was so flustered I a) forgot my little card to collect my photo, the guy had to chase after me, though it looked like everyone was doing that because they were on cloud 9, and b) picked up someone else’s sequin Dan bag from the bag pile. (Which I immediately noticed because I had a keychain and pin on mine, but I mean they *are* identical.) We went to get food and download our photos and watch all the videos we took. Even though I now had pics, I still almost couldn’t believe it was actually real.

And, wow. We were just floating for the rest of the day. It was such a wonderful, positive experience and I’m so glad it worked out that I was able to meet Phil. I didn’t think I could love him more but after that day I definitely did. Obviously, because it’s me, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I said to him and how I said it and was it the right thing and did I say it right and lejslkdjkjfkdhks, but at the end of the day he was lovely, I said more or less what I wanted to say (of course there’s more I’d have wanted to say, but there’s never enough time), and it went wonderfully well. So I really shouldn’t worry too much.

We paid a quick visit to the AP shop booth in the Expo Hall – they didn’t have a ton of stuff but they had all the t-shirts (I think it was just all the t-shirts, corgi jumper, corgi keychains, glitch hoodie), so I bought the yellow Try New Things shirt from Sarah. (And got a free pixel Phil sticker; they really want to get rid of those huh)

The only other Phil-event for the day was his appearance at the Night of Awesome that evening, so we went along for that. Apparently the theme of the evening was ‘collaboration’, so most of the performers didn’t appear by themselves aside from a couple of music acts. But it quickly descended into madness – most of the performances were some sort of challenge which involved the loser getting a pie to the face or gunged – i.e. perfect Saturday night entertainment if you’re ten. So maybe it was more aimed at kids, I thought, until one of the music acts started swearing up a STORM and a load of horrified parents started dragging their kids out while I almost died trying not to laugh. There was a lot of TikTok stuff, but the animators challenge was pretty good and a couple of the music acts were great.

You probably read about the guy who crashed the performance to make an offensive anti-trans joke and then got chased out by security … when I figured out who it was later I wasn’t surprised, he’s done stupider shit in the past, but Vidcon didn’t react very well to it right away. Throughout the event I generally thought security and staff were very good, but they really dropped the ball on this. The music act gamely carried on though, as did a number of other acts after them, and *just* as everyone had pretty much lost the will to live, Phil randomly appeared on stage with Kian and JC (…no, me neither) along with a science Youtuber. Yay! I thought his bit was really cute; kind of random but that made sense when he explained the original plan had gone awry shortly before the show started. He was *so* into it and I thought it was so sweet how, again, he kept looking for his people in the crowd. He was so confident on stage and even when the stuff he was being asked to do was so random and weird he just owned it, went for it and made it funny. Thomas Sanders came on after science!Phil to do a very wholesome set which kind of saved the evening, lol.

And that was the end of Phil day! Naturally we had to order Domino’s in the evening after our emotional and intense day (and to recover from whatever tf most of that concert was). I feel like I’ve become some sort of addict, and now the rest of my existence will be sad and grey until I can hug Phil again (which might well be never). I have peaked. I also remembered what I like so much about (good) conventions; being with your people and feeling so free to express yourself and what you love - between the phannies and the fanders there were so many pride flags, and so many people walking around wearing merch. (Also it was the first con I’d ever been to where there were no cosplayers! Which is unsurprising given it’s youtube fandom, but still – new experience.)

Sunday - Day 3

Sunday we slept in after staying up until like 3am chatting (whoops), so I missed jacksepticeye’s panel but I did get to the Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher one, which was really funny. I wish I’d gotten to meet the boys but what can you do. I also went to the Expo Hall and met PJ (who was very nice, and friendly!! But had exactly that nervous energy I was talking about earlier, which I’m more accustomed to when I meet celebs at cons; Phil really is something special), and bought a few enamel pins, because ENAMEL PINS.

And then … the worst bit of any con, people started to leave. :( My 3 roomies left first, which was the worst bit of the weekend. I ended up tagging along with some twitter friends to get coffee, and we ended up sitting around for like 3 hours outside the cloakroom because no one wanted to leave.

We found out about Dan’s half marathon during this time, and I know people have this view of phannies like we’re all obsessive, invasive weirdos who just want to find out things for – I dunno, clout? But honestly everyone there was so proud of him and just like the whole weekend, it was great to be with people who understood. Like, I can hardly tell a co-worker that a youtuber I follow ran a marathon, they’d be like - okay, and…? So it was nice to sit there and sort of – celebrate it, in our own lil way.

We all parted ways on the train - I went back to my friend’s and watched Phil’s liveshow there, which was really a perfect way to end the weekend. I’m glad it sounded like he had such a nice time at Vidcon. Someone tweeted about him seeing all the people who had come to see just him and how excited they were to see him, and that warmed my heart. And hopefully his too.

The next day I returned to the Excel to have pizza lunch with the last two friends who were still in town, which really helped with the post-con blues, and then it really was it. Since then I’ve been hanging out at my friend’s flat and taking a couple of trips out to various shops or whatever, but I’ve mostly been tired and lazy and catching up on sleep a bit.

As I mentioned, I’m now a filthy addict. I will be … keeping an eye on future vidcons/events, for sure. >_> And I might be back in London in April, maybe. >_> many thoughts head full

#vidcon ldn #phil #long post #*announcement moose* i love phil

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allthephils · 5 years ago

Text

Where Our Heart Is

Rated G Word Count: 1613

Written for @phandomficfests bingo for my forever home square

Summary: Dan is in France when their dream house goes up for sale

Read on AO3

Dan was in France when the listing went up. He was meant to be spending time with his family, away from the internet. He was meant to be taking a break from everyday life, focused on nothing more than relaxation, decompression, and reconnection. There was internet in the town though and the whole family would pull out their phones over coffee, modern togetherness. After checking Twitter and Instagram, Dan couldn’t help but do a little house hunting and there it was. The house ticked all their boxes; good neighborhood, big windows, private garden, every single one.

He knew Phil wasn’t looking. He just didn’t see the point.. Every house in their price range was highly in demand. It wasn’t like they were going to put an offer on something without Dan seeing it. It seemed masochistic to fall in love with places that were bound to slip between their fingers. When he sent the listing, it was immediately followed by a calendar notification for the showing appointment the same afternoon.

“I watched the virtual tour. It’s amazing. If it’s just as good irl, this could be our dream home.”

“So what if it is?” Phil said, “What then?”

“Then we make an offer. Fucking quick too. They’ll be a dozen offers by tomorrow.”

It didn’t feel right but Dan assured Phil there’s always a way out after the inspection. He was adamant that they not let this one pass them by so Phil agreed and booked an Uber to drive him to the house.

“I’m going to text you a play by play the whole time I’m there.”

“That’s fine. I’ve got my phone. I’ll stay in town for the signal.”

Their estate agent, Cam, is waiting outside when Phil arrives. He’s dressed in chinos and a slim button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He always looks like a businessman who’s pulling an all nighter. He also always wears a smile, always. It must be exhausting. When Phil gets out of the car, Cam rushes toward him, grabbing his hand for a two handed shake.

The house is beautiful, modern but not too modern, probably mid century but Phil doesn’t actually know that sort of thing. It sits back from the street so there is potential for a privacy fence if it becomes necessary. Phil stands back and takes a photo for Dan.

Cam is droning on about architecture and styles and roofing materials. Phil should probably listen more carefully. He’s stared at the house for a good few minutes but now he’s facing the other way, eyeing the park across the street. That would be a great place to have a run or just an evening stroll with Dan. It would be a good place for Dan to take a walk when he needs to be alone. A park in such close proximity would be especially useful if they have kids. The weight of that thought sits heavy on his chest for a moment and he breathes deep.

They could have kids. They could have kids and raise them here. Phil scans the park for a play structure and sees one off to one side. He can’t make out the ground material form here. This street is a little busy and there’s foot traffic. Would their kid be able to cross safely to go play when they’re old enough? Is this too visible? Maybe they should be looking in a gated community where no one could spot them and take photos of their family outings. Phil’s heart is pounding when Cam’s hand lands on his shoulder and he jumps.

“Woah, sorry there buddy,” Cam says, “you ready to head inside?”

There’s a tight smile on Phil’s lips as he follows Cam to the front door. This part is always so weird. The houses are all staged, furnished like someone very successful and very boring lives here. Phil would actually prefer to view a clean slate but that doesn’t happen in their price range.

After an exuberant tour, Phil is fully briefed on every impressive feature the house has to offer. It’s nothing he didn’t already know from the listing. He’s standing in the garden with Cam. It’s lovely and private, big enough for a dog.

“Cam,” Phil speaks up in a rare quiet moment, “is it ok if I walk through the house alone?”

He moves slowly through the house, room by room. He runs a hand along the dark wood cabinetry in the kitchen, opens the fridge, turns on the faucet. If Dan were here, he’d be pushing buttons on the very tech looking oven and Phil would come up behind him and kiss his cheek. He’d tell him this is a perfect place for Dan to make him breakfast. He tries to picture it but he’s not sure. Maybe Dan would prefer painted cabinets, maybe the dark wood isn’t modern enough.

There’s a big space for a table, not quite a dining room but not quite in the kitchen either. They could entertain here, have game nights. The lounge has a gas fireplace, wood would be better. On the other hand, neither one of them is going to want to haul wood into the house. The windows are pretty incredible. You can see clear across the park and Phil bets it would be even better at night. They are exactly what he always wanted, at least he thinks they are. Maybe big windows would be better upstairs, maybe they’d be better facing the garden. His thumbs are hooked in his pockets to keep himself from chewing on his cuticles. His skin feels restless, like it could take off running any minute and take him with it. He sighs and carries on.

The office is just a big empty room with a window looking out to the garden. It would be good for filming, they could have a few permanent spaces set up, for Phil and for live shows, for gaming. They could make content together again, once they’ve settled in.

Wandering upstairs, he finds the master bedroom. It’s nice, the en suite is nice, the bathtub is nice, Phil feels absolutely nothing. His fingers are curled around his phone now, gripping too tight. He’s snapped a photo or two in each room and he sends them now, hoping Dan can give some input, and hopefully, bring some clarity. Phil’s head feels muddled and his heart is just confused.

Dan texts as soon as the last photo sends. Looks pretty great Phil.

I guess

There’s a big cushie velvet chair in a very Instagram worthy shade of teal and a bed with a luscious looking white duvet. Phil sits down on the floor.

You guess? Is there something I’m not seeing? Cuz it looks perfect to me. I think we should do this Phil.

We’re choosing our home, Dan.

I know that Phil.

We can’t rush it. Phil hits send and then leans back onto the bed behind him and lets out a long slow exhale before typing again. I’m just not sure Dan. It’s too much pressure.

I trust you Phil.

I know you do, but I don’t trust me.

…

The phone vibrates in his hand. “Dan.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, I can’t tell if it’s right for us.”

“If it’s right, you’ll know. It’ll feel like home.”

“It doesn’t feel like anything. I don’t think it can feel like home without you here.”

“Phil.”

“I know. I know I’m being sentimental and impractical but I want to hold your hand and look out these windows.” Phil’s says wearily. “The kitchen opens onto the garden. I kept thinking about how our dog is gonna run around in the rain and track mud all over the floor. I wanted to say it out loud and see if your eyes crinkle.”

Dan laughs gently into the phone. “If my eyes crinkle?”

“Your eyes crinkle when you get feels.”

“They do?”

Phil hums a yes. A few moments of quiet pass. It’s a comfort just to have Dan’s soft, barely there breathing in his ear.

Eventually, it’s Dan who breaks the silence. “Our dog, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Or our kids,” Dan adds.

“Yeah.”

“I just want you to love it, Phil. If you love it, I’ll love it.”

“Right,” Phil says, “and I don’t know if I love it. I need to see your face light up. That’s how I’ll know.“

Dan’s laughter is sweet and Phil just knows he’s shaking his head. “We really are co-dependent.”

“Guess I can never leave you then,” Phil says.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“I miss you.”

“I know. I miss you too,” Dan says, “Guess we’re letting that house go then.”

“Guess so.”

“They’ll be others.”

“There will.” Phil stands up and heads out to find Cam.

“Tell Cam to set up some viewings for when I’m home?”

“I will,“ Phil says.

When he gets outside, Cam is on his phone, talking fast about percentages. He nods to Phil with a signature smile and wink.

Phil responds by whispering, “I have to go, this isn’t the one. I’ll email you.”

Cam pouts and starts to end his call but Phil hurries away, escaping an awkward conversation he isn’t ready for. He doesn’t order a car. It’s nice out so he walks to the tube by way of the park, looking back for one last glance at the house before he gets too far.

From here, it does look like something they’d design in the Sims. It kinda is their dream house. They aren’t looking for a dream house though, they’re looking for a forever home, and they can only find forever together.

End.

#phanfic #my fic #where our heart is #pff bingo 2019

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combeauferre · 5 years ago

Text

i don’t know why (i can’t keep my eyes off of you)

5/?, 8.2k words

starting a new university is hard enough without Phil having to convince PJ he doesn't have a crush on their other flatmate, Dan. He doesn't have a crush on Dan.

read on ao3

start from the beginning

“Hey,” Dan says as he walks into the kitchen on Friday morning to greet Phil and PJ.

“Hey,” they reply in unison, looking at each other and having a little giggle.

“So I was thinking.” Dan says as he heads to his own cupboard and pulls out a packet of crisps. “It’s the last day of Freshers Week, we should go out. Get pissed, all that.”

“Uh,” Phil frowns, then shoots a worried look to PJ. “Well, uh, me and Peej are going home tomorrow, for our friends’ birthday. We have an early-ish bus, we can’t really be out late.” He gives PJ an apologetic look but the way PJ looks back at him suggests it wasn’t an unwelcome excuse.

“Oh.” Dan looks away for a second. Phil notices immediately how his voice falters. He feels awful, but it’s not entirely untrue. It’s Chris’ birthday on Sunday, and they’re going home for a movie night. But their bus isn’t until one p.m., and he’d have plenty of time to surface even if he was out late. He just. Really hates going out to clubs and getting pissed. “Okay, no worries I guess.” Phil feels awful. He wants to say something, but Dan is already heading out again.

“Fuck, Peej, now what?” Phil whines. “We’ve not even been here a week and I’m already upsetting people.”

“You can just tell him you don’t like clubs, Phil,” PJ rolls his eyes. “We could always just get pissed here anyway, just the four of us.”

That sounds more Phil’s style. He enjoys drinking, and he enjoys being drunk. He just hates having to deal with loud music, thumping bass, flashing lights, and music he couldn’t care less about.

“Maybe I’ll go and talk to Dan,” Phil decides quietly.

“Y’know, Phil,” PJ grins, folding his arms and giving Phil a pointed look. “If I didn’t know you any better I’d say you have a bit of a soft spot for our Dan.” Phil rolls his eyes.

“It’s a good job you know me better then, isn’t it,” he deadpans.

“Hmm, I’m not sure, Philly,” PJ says slyly as he turns the oven on for the pie he’s just dug out the freezer.

“You’re not sure you know me better?” Phil raises his eyebrows.

“I think,” PJ tells him, stopping to look him dead in the eye, “That you have a teensy bit of a crush on him.”

“For fuck’s sake, Peej,” Phil says. “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have a crush on every guy I look at.”

“I’m not saying you do, Phil,” PJ huffs a sigh. “I’m just saying, Jimmy and I were pretty disappointed when you said you weren’t coming to the society fair with us the other day, and you didn’t even think about trying to make it up to us.”

“You said it was fine!” Phil protests.

“Yeah, and Dan said no worries, what’s your fucking point?” PJ counters.

Phil stops, huffing and frowning at PJ.

“Whatever, I don’t have a crush on him,” Phil says grumpily.

“Mmmhm,” PJ says smugly.

“We’ve just been bonding, okay?” Phil says. “Dan’s… having a tough time, I’m just trying to make sure he’s enjoying himself.”

He leaves the kitchen after that. He’s already tired of seeing PJ’s dumb, smug face.

He goes to Jimmy first, since it’s his flat too, before making his rounds to Dan’s room. He knocks gently, thinking he’ll probably have to knock again before he hears Dan’s muffled voice from behind the door.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me,” Phil calls. He frowns for a second. “It’s Phil.”

He hears a huffed laugh from behind the door. “Yeah I can tell it’s you, Phil.”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Phil pushes the door open to find Dan sat at his desk with his laptop. Phil stands awkwardly in the doorway for a couple of seconds before Dan huffs out a little laugh.

“You can come in and sit down if you want, you know.”

“Oh.” Phil walks in and sits himself down on Dan’s bed. He’s not been in here before, so he takes the time to look around. There’s not much here, a couple of teddies, a Muse poster on the wall, some untouched law textbooks.

“So, uhh,” Dan says, catching his attention. “What’s up?”

“Oh! Yeah,” Phil grins sheepishly. “So I have something to admit.” Dan raises his eyebrows and Phil looks at his hands. “I… lied about going out clubbing tonight.”

“Oh.” Dan frowns. “You wanna go out?”

“Uh, no, not really,” Phil says quietly. “Not because of the bus tomorrow though, our bus isn’t till the afternoon. I just. Really hate clubs.”

“Oh,” Dan says. His voice doesn’t sound annoyed. He sounds pretty surprised. “That’s okay, Phil. I don’t mind.”

“But, me and Peej were thinking maybe we could have our own little Freshers’ party here instead?” Phil looks up at Dan then. “Just the four of us? Have a bit too much to drink, play some card games. You know?”

Dan’s face lights up.

“Actually, that sounds pretty good!” he says. “Although we don’t have much by way of alcohol in the house, maybe we should take another trip to Asda.”

They manage to convince PJ and Jimmy to go on an Asda trip with them and scrounge together enough spare change between them to pay for a taxi instead of taking the long trek across town. They end up having a fairly big alcohol haul between them, and definitely get a couple of shifty eyes from the cashier as they load up some bottles of Malibu, cheap vodka, and a few other mixers with some coke and lemonade on the side. Phil runs back to get some snacks and then they’re all set for their night in.

It’s already getting to be nearly six p.m. by the time they’re back at the flat so there’s no judgement between them when Dan is quick to pour himself a glass of Malibu. Phil watches him pour it and frowns at the amount of rum he uses.

“Wow, Dan, you want some coke with that Malibu?” he jokes, taking the bottle from him to pour himself a glass with a little less alcohol. Dan looks him dead in the eye and puts the coke back down.

“Nah.” He takes a big swig from his glass and flops down on a kitchen chair. Phil almost does the same, but really he knows better, so he settles with mixing some coke into his drink and sits down on the floor at Dan’s feet. PJ’s mixing vodka and coke, and none of them are really sure what Jimmy made, but they’re all a little too afraid to ask after the amount of time he spent mixing it, and the amount of vodka that’s gone from the bottle.

They’re a few rounds in by the time they’re all starting to feel the effects and Jimmy suggests a card game. Some kind of pre-knowing each other synchronising must have happened because they’ve all brought a pack of cards with them, so they push all four packs together and play a mega game of Cheat. The game lasts a couple of hours, but they realise it’s a lot more difficult to play drunk, when Dan says, “two kings!” very confidently, before laying down a Joker and an ace face up on the pile. Everyone in the circle gives him a bit of a sympathetic look. They all manage a “cheat!” in unison before deciding that maybe they’re too drunk for all this.

It’s PJ who says that they should play Spin the Bottle. Of course it is. Phil rolls his eyes, thinking back to the amount of times he played that with PJ, and a bunch of other friends, in a ‘not gay way’ when they were in school. He’d have thought PJ might have a little more tact than this, but apparently not.

“Come on,” PJ grins drunkenly. “Why shouldn’t we have all kissed each other?”

“I think my boyfriend could think of a solid few reasons,” Jimmy replies gruffly. PJ offers only a surprised giggle.

“You boys are all pretty cute,” Dan slurs. “I’d kiss any of you without a spinning bottle being involved.”

Phil’s not sure why his face suddenly feels hot, but he’s sure it’s the alcohol. The alcohol and the idea of kissing a boy. Kissing any boy.

“Can you even play spin the bottle with three people?” PJ whines.

“Damn, Peej, I didn’t know you were so eager to kiss me,” Phil jokes, in an attempt to hide his anxiety.

“Maybe I’m just eager to kiss Dan,” PJ shoots back. He seems to be paying attention to Phil’s reaction, as if he hasn’t let it go that he thinks Phil has a crush on him. Phil just pulls a face back at him and looks over at Dan.

“Well you don’t have to convince me.” Dan holds his hands up in the air. “I’ve even got an empty bottle we can use.”

And so that’s how they end up sat around the circle, Jimmy included (“just some friendly pecks on the cheek for me, please”) with an empty wine bottle in between them. Phil’s not sure where Dan got it from but it makes him a little sad, in his drunken haze, to think about Dan alone in his room, drinking a bottle of wine by himself.

“Phil!” PJ pulls Phil out of his thoughts and his head shoots up. “You first.”

Phil spins the bottle gently and it lands on Jimmy, sat next to him. Easy. He leans over and presses a kiss on Jimmy’s cheek. Jimmy offers him a smirk and a nod, and leans over to spin his own bottle.

They’re on their third round when PJ calls Phil a cheat. All three of Phil’s spins have landed on Jimmy, and PJ’s not having any of it.

“I’m spinning it for you this time, Philly,” he tells him. It lands on PJ, and Phil grins.

“You finally get what you wanted, Peej,” Phil grins. He’s nervous about it, not that he’s got any reason why. He’s kissed plenty of people in drunk spin the bottle before. He’s kissed PJ plenty of times in spin the bottle. He’s not really sure what’s making him so nervous this time but he’s determined to ignore it.

He makes a show of their kiss being as long and drawn out as possible, cupping PJ’s jaw and giving him a wink. Or, as much of a wink as he can manage. He presses their lips together and, when he feels PJ begin to move away, sticks his tongue out to unceremoniously swipe across PJ’s lip. PJ darts back and yells out a cry, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Ew, Phil! That’s disgusting!”

Phil can’t stop laughing. He sits giggling for what feels like a full five minutes, before trying for another wink.

“Shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic to kiss me, then.”

On Phil’s next spin, it lands on PJ again, and he promptly decides the game is over. Phil’s not sure why he feels disappointed that he and Dan didn’t kiss, but he puts it down to watching him place gentle kisses on PJ’s lips and Jimmy’s cheek. He’d quite like a gentle kiss.

#abie has a life #mine #abie writes #uni au #dnp #dan and phil #amazingphil #phil lester #dan howell #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #phan #phanfic #phanfiction

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doomedhowell · 5 years ago

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Like A Priceless Jewel

Summary: Dan owns a jewelry shop in a mall. Most days are slow and boring, but one day isn’t so boring when a customer comes in with an unusual request.

Genre: AU, Fluff

Word Count: 1,246

Written for the pff bingo 2019: filled for the prompt ‘Writer’s Choice!’

[READ ON AO3]

Dan sighs as he sits on his stool behind the counter, waiting for another customer to walk in. Today has been quite the slow day with very little customers coming into his small jewelry shop he owns in the mall.

Dan hates weekdays, because they are the slowest days. Weekends are always busier.

Dan pulls out his phone out, and starts scrolling through Twitter, hoping to find some entertainment.

The silence on his phone only lasts a couple of moments before Dan hears someone clearing their throat. He instantly jumps at the sudden noise and drops his phone on the ground. Dan looks up and his eyes widen when he sees a rather tall man with black hair standing in front of the counter.

The man chuckles. “Sorry for the scare,” he says.

“N- No need to apologize, sir. That was totally my fault. I- I should have been paying more attention,” Dan stumbles over his words as he speaks, causing his cheeks to turn bright pink. Of course only Dan would end up embarrassing himself in front of an attractive man.

“I take it business has been slow today?” The man asks curiously, raising his eyebrows.

“Y- Yeah, unfortunately,” Dan nods in reply. “Monday through Thursday are always the slowest days.”

“Well, maybe I can help. I’ve actually got a request,” he begins. “My name is Phil, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Phil. I’m Dan-” Dan introduces himself as he points at the nametag on his shirt, before looking up at ‘Phil’ curiously. “So, a request, huh? What can I help you with?”

“Yeah, what’s the most expensive item you have in this shop?” Phil asks.

Dan’s eyes widen. “Uh, the most expensive?” He repeats, nervously looking around the shop. He then spots a necklace resting higher up on the shelf, protected by a glass box because of how expensive it is. “I know. I’ve got the perfect necklace for you-” He has to grab a stool because he’s not tall enough to reach the box on his own. Dan steps on the stool and carefully grabs the box. He walks over to Phil.

“Wow. It’s beautiful. How much is it?” Phil asks as he examines the necklace.

“Ten thousand pounds. It’s currently the most expensive item we have in the store,” Dan explains.

Phil looks at Dan and smiles. “I’ll take it,” he says without hesitation.

Dan nearly drops the box when Phil says that he’ll take it. “You’ll buy this?”

Phil laughs. “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I- I’m sorry. It’s just… It’s not everyday when a customer comes into my store with that kind of money. Usually when I tell my customers the prices of certain objects, they simply just turn around and then they walk out without saying another word,” Dan tells him.

“Well, not today,” Phil grins. “It’s a beautiful necklace. I’d hate to walk out and leave it up on that shelf.”

“Y- Yeah. Let me go ahead and ring you up then,” Dan mumbles as he walks back behind the counter. “Are you planning on buying the necklace for someone special?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Phil replies.

Dan looks up at Phil curiously, this man intriguing him more. “You’re buying an expensive necklace and you don’t even know who you’re buying it for? That’s a little unusual, don’t you think?”

Phil chuckles. “I suppose so. I just felt like spending some hard earned money,” he shrugs his shoulders.

“Jesus Christ. I mean, you just casually walk into my jewelry shop and ask for the most expensive item. You must be fucking loaded. What the fuck, man?” Dan blurts out, unable to help himself. It’s certainly not everyday that something like this happens.

Phil can’t help but laugh at Dan’s reaction. “I guess that’s one way to put it,” he says.

“Well, whoever gets this necklace, they’re one lucky person,” Dan shakes his head as he carefully wraps the necklace up in a bag. “Would you like this necklace in a box, or anything? You know, for protection.”

“That would be good, yeah. If you don’t mind,” Phil nods.

Dan waves him off. “It’s no problem,” he says, bending down and grabbing a box from below, and carefully placing the expensive necklace into the box. “I mean, it’d be terrible if something happened.”

“It would be pretty terrible,” Phil agrees, chuckling. “Thank you.”

Dan finishes ringing up Phil’s order, and Phil happily pays for the necklace.

Dan is still in disbelief over what just happened. “Have a good day, sir. Enjoy the necklace,”

“Thank you,” Phil says as he picks up the box that holds his necklace. “Thanks for such wonderful customer service, Dan. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again soon.”

Dan can’t help but perk up at the sound of that.

When Phil finally leaves the shop, Dan instantly pulls out his phone and calls his friend PJ, who also happens to work at the jewelry shop with him. Dan has to tell him about what has just happened.

“Peej! You’ll never believe what just happened!” Dan exclaims the second PJ answers the phone.

“Hello to you too, mate,” PJ laughs. “Talk to me.”

“Okay. So, you know that really expensive necklace we have hanging up on the shelf? Well, the most attractive man just walks into the shop and asks for the most expensive item we have-” Dan begins.

****

Over the next few weeks, Phil continues coming back to the jewelry shop. Most times, he doesn’t really buy anything like the necklace he bough. He simply just chats with Dan if he’s not busy that day.

Dan enjoys Phil’s company, especially on the slower and less busier days. They talk about everything, and discover that they have quite a few things in common. They bond over favorite bands and shows. Even though Dan’s only known him for a couple of weeks, he feels like he’s known Phil his whole life. He’s never met anyone like Phil before.

“There you are!” PJ exclaims when Dan walks into the jewelry shop one day for his shift.

“Here I am?” Dan chuckles. “S’not that exciting, mate. We’ve been working together for years.”

“No, no, no-” PJ waves him off, and then he bends down and picks up a box from below. “It’s for you.”

“What? For me?” Dan asks, raising his eyebrows curiously as he walks over to the counter. “Do we even get mail delivered to our shop?” He looks up at PJ.

“Beats me,” PJ says as he gently pushes the box over to Dan. “It was delivered this morning though.”

Dan hesitates, before finally reaching over and carefully opening up the box. He looks inside and gasps when he sees what’s inside. It’s the very same necklace that Phil had bought just a few weeks ago. Dan nervously reaches inside and pulls out the card that’s sitting inside as well.

It’s priceless, just like you :)

Wanna get lunch sometime? Text me x

- Phil

Dan can’t help but laugh at Phil’s cheesy message, all sorts of emotions suddenly going through his body. No man has ever gone through so much just to ask him out on a lunch date. “Oh, Phil,” he whispers, but he still can’t help the smile that forms on his face.

Dan quickly pulls out his phone out of his pocket, and immediately sends a text to Phil.

of course I wanna get lunch with you, you absolutely spoon!

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan #pff bingo 2019 #au #fluff #strangers #work

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phantasticworks · 4 years ago

Text

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Fourteen

hello everyone! the world is in a very scary place right now so I hope everyone is staying safe and being careful. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to, and I hope this chapter lifts your spirits a little, at least for a bit. <3

read on ao3

Words: 10.2k

Summary: Dan and Phil bring a new member of the family home.

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing

Two Saturdays after the initial visit, Dan and Phil go to pick Levi up. They had sat the twins down the night before to tell them the news, assuming, rightly so, that they would be too excited about it to concentrate on their schoolwork during the week. So, Friday night, Dan calls for a family meeting in the kitchen before their bedtime.

Jaiden and Amelia, as usual, look absolutely petrified about whatever news they’re about to receive. Dan doesn’t know whether to find their pessimism funny or just concerning, so he settles for a sympathetic smile when they spare nervous glances at him. After clearing the table, Phil joins them, knocking his leg against Dan’s under the table, and subtly crossing their ankles together. Dan tries not to show any acknowledgement of this, but he’s sure it’s painted in scarlet on his face.

“So, you guys aren’t in trouble, first of all,” Dan begins, interlacing his fingers and dropping his clasped hands to rest on the table.

The twins look so visibly relieved that Dan has to wonder if they’ve perhaps done something to deserve punishment that he and Phil might just be unaware of at this point in time. He hopes that’s not it, but he knows that as children, there’s always secrets to be hidden from parents or parental figures.

“Dan and I wanted to talk to you two about Levi,” Phil takes over, as Dan’s paused long enough for the silence to need filling. Dan’s glad that they’re sharing the load on this one, especially when both of the twins immediately perk up at their brother’s name.

“Are we going to visit him again?” Jaiden asks excitedly.

Phil and Dan share a look, not sure how best to gently ease the news into the conversation. “Well, not exactly, but we are going to be seeing him again.”

“When?” Jaiden demands, practically bouncing in his seat at this point.

“First, I have a question for you guys,” Dan says, trying to force the conversation back on the track he wanted it on.

“What?” Amelia asks curiously.

“Well…” Dan trails off to glance over at Phil, taking strength from his reassuring nod. “Phil and I were wondering how you guys would feel if Levi… maybe came to live here, with us.”

He waits with baited breath for the reaction. Anyone could bet that Jaiden would be thrilled, so Amelia is their wildcard here, and waiting for her reaction is walking through coals of a fire. The longer the time that elapses in silence, the more painful it’s beginning to feel.

Finally, she caves. A tiny grin breaks out on her lips, and Dan could sag with relief if he wasn’t so strung up with leftover nerves. “Is he? Or are you just kidding?”

“Depends,” Phil says, a teasing lilt in his voice. “Do you guys want him to?”

“Uh, yeah!” Jaiden says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Which, Dan could concede, to a child, it probably is.

“Mia?” Dan says gently, tilting his head down to see her face better. She’s staring down at the table, still smiling, just a little dazed.

“Can he really stay? When he gets here, he won’t leave?” She sounds so hopeful, after losing her brother to the system and fearing she’d never see him again, and to promise her anything else would seem a cruel and unusual punishment.

Swallowing around a lump in his throat, Dan nods. “He’ll be here as long as you are, love. You guys will move together from now on.” He hates the way his stomach twists painfully at the very thought of them leaving them at any point in time, but he pushes the words out nonetheless. He can omit certain things about their situation, but he can’t in good conscience lead her to believe that this is a permanent situation or that they’ll never be forced into a different home. Dan wishes more than anything that he could promise her that, but as of right now, that just wasn’t possible.

“When is he coming?” Jaiden asks, literally bouncing in his seat now.

“Well, we’re actually supposed to go pick him up tomorrow,” Phil informs them, surveying their faces for a reaction. “Would you two like to come with us to pick him up?” They’d discussed leaving them with Louise if there wasn’t an entirely positive reaction, but Dan didn’t think that would be necessary now.

“I wanna go!” Jaiden cheers.

“Me too, I wanna go too!” Amelia adds, leaning on the table and moving her feet underneath her in that way that Dan is always so quick to correct. This time he bites his tongue, choosing to let them bask in this good news in peace for right now.

“We’re going to be going around lunchtime, guys, so make sure you get lots of sleep tonight, so that you’ll have energy to play with Levi tomorrow, okay?” Phil says, grinning when both the twins groan.

“You just want us to go to bed early,” Jaiden mutters suspiciously.

Phil raises his hands innocently, biting back a smile as Dan watches the situation unfold with amusement, propping his head up in his hand. “It’s simply a coincidence that I would like you to go to bed early and that we’re going to pick up your brother tomorrow. I don’t make the rules, guys, I just-“

“Enforce them?” Dan guesses, rolling his eyes and gesturing to Phil with his thumb while the children giggle. “No, but Dad’s right, it’s getting late and we have a busy day tomorrow.”

The twins look disappointed but not surprised. They rise from their chairs and for a brief second Dan thinks they’re headed out of the kitchen entirely, but Amelia makes her way around the table with her arms held out for a hug. He smiles warmly at her as he pulls her into his arms. “Night, Daddy. Love you,” she says into his shirt.

“Night, sweet girl. Love you, don’t forget to brush your teeth.” Dan places a kiss to her hair before letting her go, watching as she and Jaiden switch spots. He hugs Jaiden to his chest. “Goodnight, little man. I love you.”

“Love you too. Can we have pancakes tomorrow?” Jaiden mumbles into Dan’s shirt.

Dan laughs, running a hand over his child’s head, petting his hair. “We’ll see, okay? Maybe if we can bribe Dad into cooking we’ll have some pancakes,” he whispers conspiratorially, as if Phil isn’t sat right there listening to them talk. Jaiden giggles before turning around in Dan’s arms to see Phil’s reaction.

“I heard that, you know,” Phil says, confirming his thoughts. “And I’ll have you know I will not be bribed into doing anything.” He says this with such confidence that Dan can’t help but snort.

“You will if you want pancakes badly enough, bub,” Dan argues.

Phil shakes his head. “Nope, because my lovely fiancé can make pancakes just as well as I can. And he would love to, I just know.” Phil grins cheekily then, his tongue poking out between his teeth. Dan hates how endearing he finds that, after all these years.

“Actually, my hands don’t work, I can’t do it, unfortunately,” Dan says, lifting his wrists and allowing his hands to dangle lifelessly. He shrugs, feigning helplessness.

“You are so full of-“ Phil pauses, glancing at the twins. Amelia raises an eyebrow as if she knows he wants to swear, and Dan giggles. “Not pancakes. You aren’t full of pancakes, and you won’t be, either, because you’re a horrible, horrible boy.”

Dan nods, but leans down to stage whisper to Jaiden, “He’s bluffing, just wait. We’ll get our pancakes, I promise.”

Jaiden giggles hysterically, and Dan smiles at the sound, kissing his forehead before releasing him. Amelia shakes her head, patting Phil’s arm comfortingly. “They’ll be good pancakes, Dad, we’ll really like them.”

Phil stares at her, incredulous, as she wiggles out of his grip and moves to go to her room. His gaze turns to Dan, and he looks positively shocked at the turn of events. Dan can’t help but laugh, at both the situation and Phil’s reaction. “I can’t believe I just got suckered into making pancakes by my children,” he says, his voice loud with disbelief.

Dan shrugs. “That’s showbiz, baby. Now, come on, I want to cuddle and listen to some music before I go to sleep.”

Rolling his eyes, Phil stands to follow Dan out of the kitchen. “Bossy,” He mumbles. “Can’t believe you didn’t defend me when our children just attacked me like that.” He sounds like a proper damsel in distress, and Dan snorts.

“It was my idea to throw you under the bus, mate, don’t know what you expected.” He stops at the doorway to their bedroom, leaning against it to speak down the hall in the direction of the twin’s room. The door is open and there’s a soft glow of light pouring into the hall, likely coming from Jaiden’s rather luminescent dinosaur night light. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth, kids!” He calls.

They each call back with affirmatives that they’ve completed this task, and Dan smiles. Behind him, he feels a hand run down his back, and then Phil’s voice. “Night, kiddos. We love you!”

There’s a chorus of tiny “I love you’s” from the bedroom down the hall, and Dan smiles, his eyes misting. Before he can actually cry or be emotional about it, he steps into his room, heading straight for the bathroom. Phil follows, and they brush their teeth side by side, arms brushing even as they’re stood with their dominant arms on opposite sides. Phil makes faces at Dan through the mirror, and Dan rolls his eyes, watching out of the corner of his eye for every change of Phil’s expression.

As soon as they’re lying in bed together with the lights off, Phil hands Dan his phone, the Spotify app already opened. “Here. Play something good,” he mumbles, throwing his arm around Dan’s waist and snuggling against his back.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan mumbles. He decides on some Muse, to be nostalgic. He closes his eyes to the tenor of Matt Bellamy’s voice in front of his face, moving his arm to place it over Phil’s, slotting his fingers between Phil’s. “Are you worried about tomorrow?” He whispers, suddenly wanting to let his anxieties about the day to come out in the open to be addressed.

“Not really. I’m worried that Levi will feel awkward and we won’t know how to make him more comfortable, but I think overall the kids will be much happier to be back together as a family.” He sounds like he’s thought about this a lot, and Dan’s gut twists with the knowledge that Phil has obviously been harboring some concerns about this new update in their life but has evidently worked it out himself.

“Yeah,” Dan agrees, for lack of anything better to say. After a moment, he mumbles, “I hope he feels comfortable eventually. I want him to feel like this is his home, too.”

He feels lips on the back of his head then, and he warms at the feeling. “Of course we want that. He’s a part of our family now, of course we want him to feel at home.”

“Mhm,” Dan murmurs, finally feeling sleep reaching for him. “Might fall asleep,” he warns.

Phil laughs softly, a soft puff of air sweeping past Dan’s curls and warming the shell of his ear. “Okay, baby. I’ll turn the music off when you do.”

“M’kay,” Dan snuggles back against him with a contented sigh. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Dan.”

~~~

After a breakfast of pancakes (which Phil cooked before Dan had even woken up, likely up early due to his anxiety about the day’s itinerary) everyone goes to their bedrooms to get ready for the day ahead. The twins are buzzing with excitement, and Dan is almost relieved about this, as it masks his own nervous energy a little. It’s still noticeable in the way that he finds himself constantly biting his lips, much to Phil’s chagrin.

“If you don’t quit doing that, Dan, I swear-“ Phil says at one point when they’re stood in the bathroom together.

Dan’s eyes dart to meet Phil’s in the mirror, and he offers an apologetic smile. “Sorry, ‘m nervous.”

Phil rolls his eyes exasperatedly, and Dan thinks he’s genuinely mad until he feels Phil’s hand on his jaw. His eyes had dropped to the sink, but now they focus on the mirror again, just in time to see Phil lean in and press a long kiss to his dimple. “Breathe, Dan. Just breathe. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Dragging in a deep breath, Dan nods. “Okay. Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Exactly,” Phil murmurs, brushing his lips against Dan’s jaw. “It’s just another day. We already know the twins, and we’ve met Levi. They’ll be fine. Yeah? It’s big, but it’s okay. We’ve got this.”

Dan closes his eyes, leans closer to Phil. “You’re right. Stop being so right.”

Phil smirks, stepping away. “That’s just how I am, took you long enough to figure it out, though.”

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles playfully.

They bant as they finish getting ready, taking the edge off their anxiety. When Dan’s sat on the bed pulling a pair of socks over his feet, the twins appear at the door, ready to go.

“Can we go now?” Amelia asks, ever the impatient one.

“Give Dan a minute to get his shoes on, love,” Phil says from near the closet, where he’s pulling out jackets for himself and Dan. “Did you guys brush your hair and teeth?” He asks, his voice patient.

The twins hum an affirmative as they wait for Dan to pull his shoes on. He feels a little awkward with all of them watching him, and glances around at their faces self-consciously. “Can I help you guys?” He laughs.

“Hurry up, slowpoke. We don’t have all day,” Phil teases, reaching out and ruffling his hair.

Dan sticks his tongue out at him before glancing at the twins. “Do you see the bullying I have to tolerate?”

Amelia giggles, and Jaiden grins. “He’s right, c’mon, c’mon!” Jaiden cheers, bouncing a little. Dan idly wonders if he’s always been this hyper and they just hadn’t noticed. He makes a mental note to talk to Phil about it later.

As soon as his shoes are on, he herds them out of the room and down the hall, jumping a little when something soft is draped over his shoulder. “Your coat,” Phil says in explanation. “It’s cold outside, remember?”

“Right, yeah. Thanks.” Dan shoves his arms in the sleeves, watching as the twins do the same with their own coats. “Alright. Let’s go.”

~~~

The drive over is full of mindless chatter, and Dan finds himself holding Phil’s hand over the console again as he drives. It feels like such second nature to hold his hand, to get that comfort from someone he cares about so deeply. Phil strokes his thumb over Dan’s gently the whole ride, gazing out the window as he chats with the kids. It’s copacetic.

“We’re here,” Dan announces as soon as he’s pulled up in the drive and turned the car off. He stares at the house for a moment, worrying his lip until he hears a throat being cleared beside him. He glances at Phil, who quirks a brow. “Sorry,” He laughs, releasing his bottom lip. Turning to the children, he says, “I know you guys already know this, but Levi might be feeling a little overwhelmed, so go easy on him, okay?”

They nod, and Amelia is already sitting with her hand hovering over the door handle. Dan smiles at this before turning to Phil. The older man nods, smiling back. “C’mon kids, let’s go get your brother.”

They wait patiently at the door after knocking, each of them holding one of the twins’ hands as they wait. When the door opens to reveal Sophie, Dan smiles. “Hello, everyone! It’s great to see you guys again.” She shakes hands with Phil, then Dan, before crouching to look at the twins. “Are you two excited to have your brother coming home with you today?”

“Yes!” Jaiden answers immediately, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Where is he?”

Sophie smiles sweetly. “He’s gathering up his things, I think. Come in, come in, you can wait in the lounge for him.”

Phil leads the way with Amelia, stepping through and following Sophie to the lounge just off to the right of the entry. Dan allows Jaiden to pull him along, laughing quietly to himself at how excited he is. The twins spot a bean bag chair as soon as they step into the lounge, both of them making a run for it at the same time. “Hey, no running, kids. Not our house, remember?” Dan chastises gently as he goes to sit beside Phil on the sofa. He sits a little closer than strictly necessary, but if Phil is bothered he doesn’t show it, only dropping his hand to Dan’s knee casually.

The twins decide to share the bean bag chair, and Sophie laughs. “That’s everyone’s favorite chair,” she informs them with a nod. “It’s quite popular.”

“I always wanted one, but my parents never let me have one,” Phil says, glancing at the neon fabric wistfully.

“Nuh-uh,” Dan says, clicking his tongue. “Nope, we aren’t getting one.”

“Dan,” Phil whines playfully.

“No, you’re too messy! You’d probably spill popcorn butter all over it.”

“So? The house would just smell like a movie theatre,” Phil bargains, fluttering his eyelashes at him as if that will make Dan cave.

Dan crinkles his nose at this, much to Sophie’s amusement. “Nope, absolutely not. That’s disgusting.”

Phil sighs, but offers the twins a sad shrug. “I tried, guys. He didn’t fall for it.”

Amelia sighs too, settling back into the chair, elbowing her brother in the process. Dan quirks a brow at her for this, and she mumbles a quick, “Sorry, Jai,” before smiling timidly at him. Dan smiles back, his attention quickly being drawn away when Sophie starts speaking, settling in the armchair across from the sofa.

“So, Levi is cleared to live with you long term, as the twins are, until their case either proceeds and they get moved, or until… Well…” She shrugs, a sad smile on her face. Dan’s stomach twists sharply at this. He knows what she’s implying. That someday they might have to go back to their biological parents, who Dan doesn’t actually know, but already dislikes. He knows enough to know that they were not the parents these children deserved, and that’s enough to have a protest dripping from his tongue.

Phil stalls that compulsion with a warning squeeze to his knee. A quick glance at him makes Dan realize that perhaps that’s just his way of stealing a moment of comfort himself. His face is twisted up with clear dread, and a hot thing settles in his chest that they share in this so deeply that the idea of losing them hurts to the core. “Right,” Phil finally chokes out.

Dan gently takes his hand from his knee, intertwining their fingers and squeezing. The death grip he gets in return gives him the energy to speak. “Alright. You mentioned something on the phone the other day, about his court ordered group therapy? Will we bring him back here every week?”

Sophie shakes her head, but she looks relieved for the conversation to move on from something less depressing too. Dan takes a moment to pity her for the job she has, and how difficult it must be to deal with the trauma she has to see in her everyday life. “No, there’s actually a clinic that we reserve a room in every week for this. I’ll email you the address on Monday, but they’ll meet there every Saturday at one.”

Dan nods in acknowledgement. “Alright. And…” he glances at the twins, weary of asking this next question. “Visitation?” He says quietly.

Sophie cringes, just barely, but shakes her head. “Denied, as of now. No contact with any of the family.” She sounds sad, but Dan almost feels relieved. He had no idea how he would handle the idea of sharing these children with the people who hurt them, in whatever capacity that happened.

“Okay,” Dan lets out a breath. “And-“ he’s interrupted by a sound on the stairs across the hall. They all glance up and see Levi coming down the stairs, a duffle bag thrown over his shoulder. Dan frowns when he sees how empty it seems.

“Hi,” Levi says, a little timid as he stops at the edge of the lounge.

Dan glances at the twins, who have jumped up from their seat, but are now hovering uncertainly, their gazes darting between their brother and their foster parents. Dan nods, smiling as he gestures to Levi. “Go ahead,” He laughs, rolling his eyes playfully as they rush towards him in excitement.

Levi laughs, dropping his bag to his feet and crouching as the children throw their arms around him in a hug. “Hi, guys,” he says affectionately. He kisses each of them on the head, and Dan feels his eyes misting. He’s become so attached to the twins over the last few months, seeing someone else who loves them so much warms his heart in the strangest way. “I missed you guys.”

“You’re going to come live with us!” Jaiden informs him, as if maybe he didn’t already know. Dan can’t help but snort at this.

“I know, buddy. Are you two okay with that?” He sounds worried at what their answer might be.

“Well, duh,” Jaiden says, no doubt rolling his eyes.

Amelia pulls away to stare at him. “We could really use a big brother again,” She says softly.

Dan has to look away when he sees the way Levi’s eyes fill with moisture, and he knows this is a moment for them to share alone. He catches Phil’s gaze as he does this, and he can tell that the older man shares in this opinion. They share a smile before Phil stands, leading Dan to follow.

“All packed up, then?” Phil asks, tucking his hands in his pockets in that truly awkward fashion he has.

Levi clenches his jaw and nods, throwing the strap of his bag back over his shoulder as he stands, allowing each of the twins to take one of his hands. “Yeah, this is…” he shrugs, the bag jostling at his side. “This is it.”

Dan’s heart clenches, and he and Phil share a look. “Alright.” He glances uncertainly at Sophie, who, bless her, takes over for this bit.

“Have you said goodbye to everyone, Levi?” She asks kindly.

The teenager bristles a little at this. “I guess. Not really anyone to say bye to when you live with a dozen strangers.”

At this, Dan feels his hand being gripped, a firm squeeze to his palm from his best friend. He sends a squeeze back, lifting his other hand up to stroke Phil’s forearm gently in a comforting motion. It’s hard to hear something like that, especially if this is a child who is about to become part of your family, and Dan almost can’t stand it. He spares a selfish moment to feel anger and hatred for the people who did this to them, but it doesn’t settle the feeling in his stomach.

If Sophie is phased at all by this admission, she doesn’t show it. “Right. Well, I’ll see you at the group session next Saturday, yeah?” She speaks slowly and gently, and Levi’s features soften a little. When she holds out her arms, Dan is surprised to see Levi willingly go in for a hug. She murmurs something to him, but the only words Dan can hear is “try” and “good.” He doesn’t know much about their dynamic, but he can tell that Levi trusts Sophie, and if he had to guess, he’d say that wasn’t something easy to earn. He hopes that one day, though, he and Phil can get there.

“Alright,” Levi replies when he pulls away. He offers her a strained smile. “See you Saturday, then.”

Sophie smiles and nods before turning to face Dan and Phil. “You guys are all ready to go. We’ll be in touch for any updates, and of course you have my information if you need to contact me at all.”

“Thank you, Sophie. Really,” Dan says, moving to shake her hand yet again.

Phil does the same, smiling at her. “We appreciate all your help.”

“Of course,” She says, grinning.

“Ready to go, everyone?” Dan asks then, rattling his keys in his hand as he waits for the children’s response.

“I guess so,” Levi answers, glancing at his siblings, who nod.

Dan leads the way to the car after another goodbye to Sophie, and they all pile into the car, the twins already chattering away. Dan can’t help but roll his eyes as he starts the car, but he glances over at Phil and shares a smile with him. “Alright, seat belts, kiddos. And Phil.”

Phil tuts at him, already clicking the band into place. “Already ahead of you, mate.”

“Proud of you, truly,” Dan says sarcastically. They sit with the car idling until he’s heard the three seat belts in the back being buckled. Then, glancing over at Phil once more, he clears his throat, meeting Levi’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “Levi, I thought we might go out to some shops today, pick you up a few things. Is that alright with you?”

Levi’s face flickers between excitement, doubt, and wariness, before finally settling on something more neutral. “That’s cool, yeah.”

“Great!” Dan says, relieved that it was a positive answer. “How’s Topman sound?”

Levi looks a little uncertain. “Er, bit expensive, innit?” He asks, cringing as soon as the words are out.

Phil turns around to glance at Levi. “Don’t worry about that. Not with us, at least.” He sounds firm, as if he is very determined that Levi know they can afford to splurge on some new clothes for him. Dan knows this is exactly the case, and it makes his heart warm.

“Phil’s a producer at the BBC, I wouldn’t worry too much about the money,” Dan says, his voice a little teasing.

Rolling his eyes, Phil turns back around, a pout on his lips. “It’s like you only keep me around for my money,” he mumbles, clearly kidding.

“Well I don’t keep you around for your cooking and cleaning skills,” Dan teases right back.

The twins giggle in the back, but Amelia comes to the rescue. “Dad made good pancakes this morning!” She protests.

Dan doesn’t miss the way Levi flinches at that word, the way his gaze sharpens when he looks at her. He makes a mental note to speak to him about it later. He can’t imagine how weird it must be to hear your siblings call someone else by a name reserved for their biological parents. Still, he squirms at the idea that he might prefer that they go back to calling them their real names. It would be understandable, but Dan can already feel the loss in his chest.

“Dan? Alright?” Phil’s voice breaks Dan out of his thoughts, and he nods.

“Yeah, yeah. Topman?” he asks, glancing back to the backseat for confirmation.

Levi nods, accompanying it with a shrug. “Guess so,” he says.

“Great. Topman it is, then.”

~~~

The shopping trip is a huge success, and by the time they’ve headed home, Levi has several new outfits, a new pair of shoes, and a coat. He seems embarrassed, but obviously relieved. The twins seem to make him feel more at ease, mentioning their own rather extravagant shopping trip after coming to live with Dan and Phil. Dan smiles and laughs along with them, keeping an eye on Levi to try and gauge how he’s feeling about everything. He seems fine, if not a little awkward, but that’s understandable after the day he’s had and being with people who are still basically strangers at this point.

As soon as they’ve stepped into the flat, the twins are begging to give Levi the tour. “Can we please show him the flat? Please?” Amelia begs, tugging on Dan’s shirt with wide eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead, then. We’re right behind you.” Dan shrugs his coat off, hanging it on the coat rack next to the door, kicking his shoes off next. Phil does the same, leaning down to straighten up the twins’ shoes as he does.

“Do I take my shoes off?” Levi’s voice says quietly from beside them.

Dan glances over at him and offers him a smile. “Sure, you can if you like. We just stack them on the shoe rack usually.”

Levi nods, following his directions and straightening his shoes up on the rack. He seems unsure what to do with the shopping bags he’d insisted on carrying in, so he sets them beside the shoe rack on the floor, and Dan makes a mental note to come back for them when they’ve showed him around. As soon as he’s done, Amelia is tugging him away, pulling on his arm and whining for him to hurry up so they can show him his room.

“Mia, slow down, yeah? He just got here, give him a minute,” Phil reminds her gently, his hand coming to rest on Dan’s back, the pressure guiding Dan to follow after the kids.

Amelia leads the tour, pointing out she and Jaiden’s bedroom, then Dan and Phil’s room, before gesturing to the bathroom halfheartedly and dragging Levi into the downstairs lounge. “This is where we have family meetings, and that’s Daddy’s office.”

“He’s not-“ Levi starts. He stops, glances at Dan, and takes a deep breath. “Cool, Mia,” he says finally. Dan can tell he’s on edge, and that hearing his sister say that makes him uncomfortable, and it makes Dan’s stomach twist with nerves.

Seemingly oblivious to this, Amelia takes him into the kitchen, showing him the door to the patio where they like to feed the pigeons. Jaiden is invested now, talking Levi through the pigeon feeding, and explaining, very seriously, how important it is to leave out enough seed because of the rather chunky pigeon that sometimes likes to stop by and snarf down the whole batch. Levi doesn’t seem to find this nearly as interesting as Jaiden does, but he is patient as he listens to his story. That makes Dan smile.

“How about we show him upstairs now, yeah?” Dan eventually says, nodding to the stairs.

“Yeah! Your room’s upstairs. It’s really cool,” Amelia informs her older brother, taking his arm and dragging him towards the stairs.

Dan wants to chastise her but knows it’s really no use. Instead, he follows after her with Phil, watching as Jaiden silently takes Levi’s available hand, still wanting to be a part of their conversation. It makes Dan’s heart warm when Levi glances down at his brother, a smile on his lips. He doesn’t know exactly how well their family will adjust to another child, but he hopes, so much, that Levi brings Jaiden out of his shell a little, and that they get to see more of Levi’s personality as well.

“Here’s the lounge that we actually use,” Amelia is saying. Dan hears Phil snort under his breath.

“Nice,” Levi says, his eyes sweeping the room slowly. “Lots of board games,” he notes, his eyes flickering between Dan and Phil and the shelf in the corner.

“Phil’s a big board game fan, yeah,” Dan says truthfully, rolling his eyes. “You guys are welcome to play with any of them whenever you want, same as the PS4 or the Xbox.”

Levi’s eyes widen a little, and he looks a little uncertain, but slowly nods.

“Alright, let’s show him his room, kids,” Phil says, the excitement in his voice very poorly concealed.

Amelia nods excitedly, obviously just as ready to show him his room as Dan and Phil are. They’d decided to order a full-size bed as soon as they’d realized there was a chance he might be moving in, and had it delivered while the twins were at school one day. They were none the wiser until this morning, when Dan had let them go see the bedroom, since Jaiden was very concerned about where Levi would be sleeping.

Other than ordering the bed, They had left the dresser and nightstand that had been there previously in the room, and were planning on asking him if he wanted a desk too. Dan was honestly just as excited as they were about it. He was hoping Levi would like it, and hopefully he’d be excited about decorating it to make it feel more like a safe space.

“Here we are!” Amelia announces as she flings the door open dramatically.

Levi hovers awkwardly in the door at first, his eyes sweeping across the room quickly. Then, as if he’s not sure he’s seen it correctly, he does a double take, squinting this time. Dan waits, holding his breath, for Levi’s reaction.

“Oh, shi-” Levi’s eyes widen as his gaze swings to his siblings, still very much present. “Cool.” He clears his throat. “So, this is my room?”

Dan stares at him. He’s not really surprised when he feels Phil’s hand grip his and squeeze tightly. “Yep,” Dan says eventually. He clears his throat, and then, “All yours. There’s not a whole lot of space to move things around, but if you want to set it up differently or anything, you can, we’ll help you move stuff.”

Levi nods slowly. “Okay. Thanks.” He moves into the room, dropping his duffle bag onto the plain grey sheets, his gaze still sweeping the room, as if he’s afraid he’s missing something.

“We’ll bring up the other bags and let you get settled, then,” Dan says after a few moments. He figured Levi could use the time and space to process, and honestly, so could they.

Levi just nods, and so Dan turns around at the doorway, dropping Phil’s hand and bringing a hand up to his back to guide him out of the room, in much the same way Phil did to him earlier. “C’mon, kids, give Levi a little while to settle in.”

“M’kay,” Amelia says.

Jaiden sighs but follows them out of the room. Dan half-expects Levi to protest this, but he’s sort of relieved when he doesn’t. “Can we watch a movie?” Jaiden asks as they walk down the hall towards the lounge.

“Sure,” Dan says, shrugging. “Go ahead and pick something out. Phil and I are going to go make some dinner.”

“Can we have spaghetti?” Amelia requests from where she’s already flopped herself onto the couch.

“Yes ma’am, we can,” Phil says, finally seeming like he’s at himself after his brief bout of silence.

“Does Levi like spaghetti?” Dan asks, just to make sure.

“I think so,” Jaiden answers. “Everyone likes spaghetti.” He sounds like he thinks this is perfectly obvious.

“Right,” Dan says with a laugh. “We’ll be downstairs if you need us, okay?”

The twins mumble their acknowledgement but they’re already busy surfing Netflix for something to watch so Dan knows it’s rather pointless to try and get their attention now. He and Phi make their way downstairs in silence, and as soon as they’ve reached the bottom, Dan turns to where Levi had left his bags. “I’ll take these upstairs and be right back,” he says, glancing over at Phil. “Are you okay?”

Phil shrugs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I will be,” he mumbles. “I just…” He lets out a staggered breath, not meeting Dan’s eyes.

Abandoning his task, Dan turns to face him completely, reaching out to tug him forward by his shirt. “C’mere,” he whispers. Phil goes willingly into his arms, and Dan presses a kiss to the side of his face. “I know. That was… that was tough.”

“I’m so scared that we can’t do this, Dan. He’s a teenager, and he- he might not even like us!” Phil whispers harshly, his voice cracking.

“Don’t think like that,” Dan murmurs, brushing his lips across his jaw. “It’ll be fine. We… We did this before, with Amelia and Jaiden. And now, I mean… They’re our family. This is still our family, we’ve just got a new family member.”

“Yeah,” Phil mumbles into Dan’s shoulder.

After a few minutes of their embrace, Dan sighs, pulling away. “C’mon. Go see if you can find all the stuff for spaghetti while I take this upstairs, and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Phil agrees reluctantly.

Dan smiles at him before grabbing the bags and heading upstairs, Phil already headed into the kitchen. The twins are engrossed in their movie when Dan walks through, and his lips twitch involuntarily with a smile. When he reaches Levi’s still open door, he pauses. “I brought your things up,” He says quietly, as to not startle him. He’s sat on the edge of his bed, looking out the window at the city below. Dan hopes he doesn’t hate how high up they are, being in the penthouse and everything.

“Thanks,” Levi says mildly. He doesn’t look away from the window.

“No problem,” Dan says, setting them on the edge of the bed near his duffle bag. Stepping away again, he hesitates, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet nervously. “We were thinking of having spaghetti tonight, if you’re alright with that?” He asks.

Levi glances over at him, nodding sharply once. “Yeah.”

“Alright, good. Er, we’ll let you know when it’s time for dinner.”

“Okay,” Levi says quietly, back to staring out the window.

Dan nods before leaving the room, hesitating before pulling the door almost shut behind him to give Levi a little bit of privacy. After letting the twins know that he was about to go downstairs and start dinner, he heads downstairs to find Phil in the kitchen, staring at a pot of boiling water.

“Surprised that’s boiling with how hard you’re staring at it,” Dan says affectionately, wrapping an arm around him and settling his head on his shoulder.

Phil snorts once without humor. “Hilarious,” He mutters.

Dan nuzzles his shoulder, unable to help himself. He needs the moment of comfort probably just as much as Phil does after the day they’ve had. “How are you feeling? Really?” Dan asks, staring at the water too.

“I’m just… I don’t know. Tired. Weary. Nervous.”

“Yeah,” Dan says, sighing. “I think that’s all very normal to feel right now.”

“I guess,” Phil says, shrugging. Dan’s not sure if that means he wants him to move or not, so he does it anyway, lifting his head and stepping towards the counter to grab the pasta. “Hey,” Phil says quietly.

“Hm?” Dan murmurs.

When Phil doesn’t immediately answer, Dan turns to face him, quirking a brow. He’s surprised when Phil leans in, kissing his cheek, just over his dimple, sweetly. “I know me freaking out isn’t making it any easier on you, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Dan mumbles, a little warm at the feeling of Phil’s lips brushing against his cheek as he speaks. “We’re both a little shaken up right now, we’ll calm down once everyone gets more adjusted, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Phil sighs before leaning away. “Hand me a spoon? I’ll start the sauce.”

~~~

Dinner is a whole affair in the Howell-Lester household for the evening, as the twins are loud and excited, talking over each other in an effort to include Levi in their conversations. Phil sits at the end of the table with Dan to his right, exchanging soft looks and rolled eyes when the twins go off on a particularly dramatic tale about a recent trip to the park. Levi sits beside Dan, his posture a little rigid as he picks at his food, clearly trying to appear interested in the conversation but very obviously on edge.

As the twins near the end of their meals, they begin demanding dessert. “Finish your plates and we’ll talk about dessert, missy,” Dan chastises Amelia gently.

She sighs dramatically, flopping against her chair and gazing at her plate mournfully. “I don’t have any more room for spaghetti,” she announces, a hand over her belly.

Levi shifts in his chair awkwardly, glancing between Dan and Phil with a nervous look on his face. “Mia,” he hisses quietly.

Dan only smiles at the little girl, pretty sure he can predict what’s coming next. “Right. No room for dessert either then, I guess?” he says teasingly.

Amelia widens her eyes, shaking her head adamantly. “No, I just ran out of room in my spaghetti box,” she points to her tummy.

Phil snorts. “Oh yeah?” He asks, hiding a smile.

She nods seriously, and Jaiden nods along with her. “Yeah, I think I ran out of room in my spaghetti box too.”

Dan shares a disbelieving look with Phil. “Do elaborate, please.”

Levi looks increasingly more uncomfortable and confused, which is probably fair given he isn’t used to the nature of their dinner table conversations.

Amelia sits up then, making an oval with her little hands. “I have a box for real food and a box for dessert in my tummy,” she explains. “My spaghetti box is full, but my dessert box is all empty.” She gives them both an adorable look, puppy eyes and a pouted lip to sell her case.

Dan can hardly hold in his laughter, but he manages it for a few seconds. Sharing a look with Phil has him breaking, though, and they both burst into a little fit of giggles. “Alright, that’s creative, I’ll give you that,” he concedes, standing from the table and moving to the cupboard where they keep snacks and treats. “Your options are cookies or…” he digs through it for a minute, but his eye catches on something else. Tugging the open bag out of the cabinet, he sighs deeply. “Philip.”

“Daniel,” Phil retaliates, laughter in his voice.

Spinning around to face the criminal, Dan holds up the bag of open marshmallows he’d been saving, arching an eyebrow. “Care to explain?”

Phil’s face goes a little pink beneath his cheekbones, and the twins are quick to snicker at him, followed by suspicious, “Ooh” noises. Dan silences them with a flick of his gaze in their direction.

Reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck, Phil shrugs. “Erm… A mouse got into it?”

Dan crosses the kitchen to lay the bag on the table, crossing his arms and looking down at Phil with his lips pressed firmly together. “Really?” He says, his voice flat.

Phil grins sheepishly, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him in and nuzzling his cheek against Dan’s chest. “Squeak, squeak,” he jokes timidly.

Sighing, but completely at the mercy of this adorable man, Dan drops a hand to his hair, scratching at his scalp gently. “You’re grounded from sweets for a week,” he informs him. When Phil protests, Dan tugs on his hair gently. “And, you have to make me coffee every morning this week.”

Phil pouts. Dan desperately wants to kiss it off, but he knows they have an audience right now. Belatedly, he startles with the realization that that shouldn’t even be the only thing standing in his way of kissing his platonic best friend. He chooses to ignore that train of thought, tilting his body a bit to face the kids. The twins look amused but happy, while Levi is glancing awkwardly between them and the table. It dawns on Dan that this is likely making him uncomfortable, and Dan slowly steps away. When Phil makes a noise of protest, Dan shoots him a look. Phil must understand because he smiles a little awkwardly before dropping his arms and allowing Dan to move back to the cupboard.

“Can I have the rest of the marshmallows at least?” Phil’s voice comes from the table as Dan hums to himself as he surveys their selection.

Dan snorts. “Absolutely not! No sweets for a week.”

“Dan,” Phil whines.

Shaking his head to himself and tutting, Dan doesn’t even bother looking back at him as he searches through the cabinet.

The table has fallen suspiciously quiet, and Dan doesn’t even consider why as he tugs out a box of chocolate cookies. “Okay so I think tonight we’ll have- Phil Lester!” He screeches upon turning around.

Because there, sat at the table with a guilty smile, is Phil, his hand shoved in the marshmallow bag and his cheeks puffy with what is surely another mouthful of the treats. “Shorry,” he mumbles around his mouthful.

Dan doesn’t have the capacity to be anything other than fond. “I swear to god, Phil, you’re worse than all three of the kids combined when it comes to snack thieving,” he shakes his head in mock disappointment, sharing a look with the twins. When he glances over at Levi, he’s looking down at the table, his lips quirked up into an almost smile. It warms Dan’s heart, the comfort of seeing that little positive reaction spreading out to every inch of his body.

“I swear I won’t do it again,” Phil apologizes.

Snorting, Dan drops the box of cookies on the table, laying a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Come off it, mate. We both know you’re lying through your teeth.”

Phil splutters, sending Amelia and Jaiden into a fit of giggles. “Did you hear him?” He whines to the kids. “He’s bullying me.”

Amelia shrugs. “He told you not to!” She laughs.

Jaiden nods at this. “It was kinda up to you to make the right choice. You just didn’t.”

Dan smirks as he moves back to the kitchen, filling up cups with milk. “They’ve got you there, baby.”

He tries not to think about how he just calls him these names without thinking now.

“Hush, no one asked you,” Phil grumbles playfully.

A soft laugh escapes Dan’s lips, and he glances over at the table and smiles at him before turning back to his task. “Do you want a glass of milk, Levi?”

“Er, yes, please.”

Dan hums his acknowledgement that he’s heard him, pulling out another cup and pouring milk into it as well. “Alright, here you go, kiddos,” he says, carefully carrying three cups back to the table. He sets one in front of each of the kids before grabbing the cookie box, handing each of them two cookies.

“I, um… Thanks,” Levi stutters.

“No problem,” Dan smiles. He gestures to Levi’s plate. “Finished?”

“Oh, I, uh… yeah? Yes.” He looks unsure, but Dan just nods and takes the plate, turning to grab his own too.

“Need some help, love?” Phil calls softly.

Dan glances at him, smiling and shaking his head. “I’ve got it. Just entertain the crowd.”

Phil grins. “Of course.” He turns to the children and claps his hand together. “Who wants to hear about this time that a squirrel bit my crotch in Florida?”

For a moment, Dan thinks Levi’s actually going to choke, as he laughs so suddenly with his mouth full. He seems to catch himself, coughing a little and taking another sip to settle his coughing fit. Glancing up and finding everyone’s gaze on him, he blushes and looks down at the table. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

Dan laughs. “Don’t worry, I had the same exact reaction when Phil called me crying because his crotch was hurting.”

“Hey! It’s my story, let me tell it!” Phil interjects, shooing Dan away.

“Fine, fine. Go on, then.” Dan rolls his eyes but shares a smile with Levi before he does move over to the sink to wash up. Listening to Phil’s animated voice retell a story he’s heard a million times is comforting after the rather eventful day they’ve had, and he finds himself smiling down at the dishes as he listens absently.

By the time Phil has finished the story, the twins are in hysterics, and even Levi is laughing a little, although he ducks his head to try to hide it. That makes Dan squirm. He hopes eventually Levi feels more comfortable here and knows he doesn’t have to hide from them. With a surveying glance around his little family, he feels emotion swelling up in his chest, a mixture of pain and joy and hope, battling each other to find a place at the forefront of his mind.

He’s dragged out of his own melancholy thoughts at the sound of Phil’s voice calling his name. “Earth to Dan?”

“Hm?” Dan inquires, his eyes flicking up to find Phil’s inquisitive ones.

“You okay over there?” His head is tilted, clear concerned masked by a teasing smile.

Dan smiles. “Never better.”

~~~

Earlier they had established that they wanted some time alone with Levi to talk to him about the rules and boundaries of living with them, so after dinner they sent the twins off to get ready for bed and pick out a film, telling them they’d be upstairs to join them soon.

“Am I in trouble already?” Levi asks the minute his siblings are out of earshot.

Dan startles at that, sharing a confused glance with Phil. “Er… No? We just wanted to talk to you about some things before bed is all.”

“You’re not in trouble, Levi,” Phil assures him.

“Okay,” He says slowly. He drops his hands to the table, his left hand tugging at a wristband on his right in an anxious sort of way. “So what’s this about?” he inquires.

Dan moves around to sit on the opposite side of the table, closest to Phil. “Well, we just wanted to talk about the rules and things.” He sees the panic on Levi’s face and laughs in understanding. “I know that sounds bad, but I swear it’s not.”

Levi nods, but doesn’t speak.

Shifting in his seat, Dan glances over at Phil for him to take the lead. They’d agreed that they’d tag-team the conversation, but it might be better for Phil to introduce the rules and let Dan take over if Levi had any sort of negative reaction.

“So, mostly same as those for the twins. We live in an apartment complex, obviously, so we ask that you guys keep the volume reasonable so we don’t get neighbors knocking down our door and demanding we send you to Antarctica.” He smiles when he says it, trying to encourage a laugh in response.

Levi grants him with a twist of his lips, not quite a smile, but close. “I reckon I can manage that,” he agrees.

Phil clears his throat, nodding. “We also want you guys to try and keep up with your homework every night. Dan works at the secondary school you’ll be going to, so if you have any problems with any of your teachers or schoolwork he can help you out,” Phil nods to Dan as he says this, and Dan surveys Levi’s face carefully for a reaction.

He doesn’t surprise Dan when his eyes narrow, his mouth dropping into a tight line. “You work at the school I’ll be going to?” He asks, his voice a little harsh even as he seems to be trying to sound neutral.

Dan shifts in his seat, trying not to glance at Phil for the comfort he so desperately desires right now. “I do, yeah.”

Levi snorts. “What do you teach?”

“Oh, I don’t,” Dan shakes his head, sort of relieved when Levi’s face changes into something less hostile. “I’m the school counselor.”

And he’s back to tensing up again, but he looks away so that Dan really doesn’t have a chance to address it. “Is that all?” he mutters, changing the subject back to the rules.

“Er, well the twins go to bed at eight on a school night, but you can stay up till nine. We’d prefer you were in bed by then, but honestly, we were both night owls at your age, so we understand if you’re not. Just try not to wake your siblings up, if you can help it.”

He nods, scratching a fingernail along the graining of the table. “Okay.”

“That’s pretty much it, I think. You can use anything in the flat that you want to as long as you tell us first. Just keep your room decent and make sure to let us know if you need anything.” Phil glances over at Dan as he finishes talking, looking a little unsure.

“Any questions?” Dan asks kindly, watching Levi closely for a reaction.

“Do I have chores?” He asks after a moment of deliberation.

Dan shares a confused look with Phil. “Er, did you have chores at home?”

Levi nods. “Yeah. And at most of the foster homes or group homes I’ve been to I’ve had them.”

They hadn’t really discussed it, so Dan makes an executive decision upon hearing that. “Well, for now we’ll just let you get settled in, yeah? The twins don’t have chores since they’re so young, but they help gather laundry and things like that, so other than things like that I don’t think we’re going to give you any assigned chores.”

“Will that change?” Levi asks, finally making eye contact.

Dan frowns. “Um…” He glances to Phil, unsure how to answer that.

“I don’t see why it would. We might ask you to help do dishes or things like that every now and then but I’m fairly certain we won’t be assigning chores. As long as you keep your room tidy and pick up after yourself around the flat we can take care of the rest.” He offers a smile, but Levi only nods, looking away again.

“Any other questions?” Dan asks softly.

“When do I start school?” Levi asks, scratching against the wristband again.

Dan offers a sympathetic smile. “Monday, unfortunately. We’ve already gotten you enrolled.”

Levi nods. “I, uh… I don’t really have any school supplies,” he says awkwardly.

“Dan or I will take you to get you some things tomorrow,” Phil tells him. “We probably should’ve done that today, but I completely forgot about it.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Dan says suddenly, having just remembered something. He stands and moves over to the office on the other side of the lounge, grabbing something off the desk and coming back into the kitchen, dropping back into his chair. “Here you go,” he says cheerfully, handing Levi the phone they’d decided to give him.

“Um… What’s this?” Levi asks cautiously, looking down at it with an expression of weariness.

“Well, um, we asked Sophie and she said you didn’t have one. This is one of my old ones, actually, sorry about that,” he quirks his mouth into an apologetic smile. “We went ahead and added it to our phone plan and it has a clean SIM card and everything. Should be good to go.”

Levi stares down at it. “Oh… You didn’t have to…”

“I know,” Phil says quickly. “And really, Levi, it isn’t a big deal. But we wanted to make sure you had a way to contact us, as you’re older than the twins.”

The boy blinks rapidly and Dan feels something building in his throat, his own eyes smarting. He glances away, feeling guilty for watching Levi so closely when he’s clearly feeling emotional. Phil’s gaze meets his own, and Dan reaches a hand out, linking their pinkies. Phil smiles at him softly, squeezing his finger slightly before turning his attention back to Levi.

“Thank you,” Levi eventually mumbles. “Er… Do I need to pay you back? I don’t really-“

“Absolutely not,” Phil says, offended. The hurt on his face is enough to grip at Dan’s heart. “No, Levi, listen,” he shakes his head, huffing out a short laugh. “For now, and the foreseeable future, it’s our job to take care of you, right? We can’t do a great job of that if we don’t have a way to reach you when you need us. So, don’t even think about that. This phone is yours to keep, okay?”

Levi nods slowly. “Okay,” he whispers. “Thank you, again.”

“It’s no problem, Levi,” Dan says with a soft smile. He nods to the phone then, encouraging Levi to pick it up. “We didn’t set it up fully with the new SIM card, but we did add both of our contacts to it, so you’d have them just in case.”

“We also added Sophie’s information as well,” Phil adds.

Surprise colors Levi’s features for a moment as he glances up at them. “Oh. Thanks. Um… I appreciate it.”

Dan shrugs. “Like we said, it’s not a big deal. The twins don’t have phones but they each have an iPad that they can use to contact us if they need to.”

Levi smiles at this. “Cool.”

“Do you have any more questions to ask? Or just anything you want us to know?”

He seems to consider it for a few minutes, but eventually he shrugs. “Nothing I can think of, I guess.”

“Alrighty. Well we’re going to head upstairs to watch a movie with the twins, and you’re more than welcome to join us if you want to. If you don’t, that’s fine too.” Dan stands from the table, lacing his fingers through Phil’s and gently tugging on his hand to prompt him to follow.

“What’re we watching?” Levi asks, standing as well. He seems hesitant, but he pockets the phone carefully.

“If I was a betting man, I’d put my money on The Little Mermaid or The Incredibles,” Phil says with a roll of his eyes, more comfortable joking now that the serious atmosphere has begun to evaporate.

Dan laughs. “C’mon, now, it’s not Mia’s fault that she has a preference.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Phil says, holding the hand not held in Dan’s up defensively. “We never have to wonder long about what we’re going to watch to keep us entertained, that’s for sure,” he grins.

Levi laughs quietly at that. “Ariel was always her favorite princess. I think she always wished she had sisters instead of brothers,” he jokes. His mouth twists after he’s said it, his eyes trailing downwards to stare at the floor.

Dan can’t stand that look on his face, and he shrugs, clearing his throat. “I doubt it, honestly. She loves you and Jai more than anyone in the whole world, I reckon.”

Levi’s cheeks flush, but he does a poor job concealing the grin on his face at that.

Phil tugs Dan’s hand now, nodding to the stairs. “C’mon, I want a cuddle and I’m almost positive I can hear the opening music to The Little Mermaid right now.”

“Alright, alright, go on, then,” Dan rolls his eyes, but follows after him glancing back and smiling to himself when he sees that Levi is indeed following them.

“Wow, Mia, The Little Mermaid? Good choice!” Phil says, feigning surprise as soon as they’ve reached the upstairs lounge. Glancing back at Dan with a smug look, he mutters, “I bet you’re glad we didn’t put money on this, Howell.”

Dan rolls his eyes, shoving him gently towards the sofa. “Wouldn’t have mattered even if we did, bub.” At Phil’s questioning gaze, Dan smirks. “Shared bank account?” He sing-songs.

Phil opens his mouth to retaliate, but stops, closing his mouth with a huff and an exasperated smile. “Fair play.”

Sticking his tongue out like a child, Dan flops onto the sofa, tugging his fluffy sad pimp blanket from the other end and throwing it over his legs. He holds his arms out, gesturing for Phil to join him. “C’mon, I don’t have all night.”

“You quite literally do, but sure,” Phil rolls his eyes, settling in close to Dan’s side. He shifts to lean against Dan, who wraps an arm around his shoulders, tucking the tips of his fingers under the collar of Phil’s shirt and petting the fabric.

Levi hovers near the stairs, clearly unsure where to go from here. The twins are sat on the smaller sofa, but as soon as Amelia realizes that Levi is there, she hops up, practically running to him to grab his hand and drag him over to sit down. “C’mon, c’mon, you’ll miss the movie!” She says excitedly.

He laughs a little as she makes him settle onto the sofa, glancing over at Dan and Phil with an awkward look on his face. “I’m going, I’m going.”

“Can I start it now?” Amelia asks, her voice whiny with impatience.

“Go for it, doll,” Dan says, nodding.

She clicks the remote for a minute until it finally works, the menu screen fading into the opening credits.

“How are you feeling, bear?” Phil whispers to Dan, tilting his head ever so slightly so the kids can’t hear.

Dan smiles warmly at him. “Really good, actually. What about you?”

Phil grins. “So good. It’s…” He glances over at the kids, lowering his voice a little. “It feels a little more like home, now.”

There’s a knot in Dan’s throat, and he smiles tightly around the emotion pooling in his eyes. “You’re right,” he agrees quietly. He closes his eyes, resting his head against Phil’s. He feels so overwhelmed with affection right now, and it’s thrashing at the walls of his throat, begging to be vocalized. He exhales deeply, tilting his head enough to press a kiss to Phil’s shoulder.

There’s a hum, and Phil shifts, leaning over and kissing Dan’s jaw.

It’s not quite what Dan wanted right now, but it’s enough.

#phan #phanfiction #foster parent au #foster parent #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #parent!au #parent!phan #friends to lovers #best friends #bed sharing #fake relationship #fluff #light angst #comfort #hurt #family struggles #group home

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danrifics · 5 years ago

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Not The First Time

Some of the times Dan almost asks Phil to marry him and the one time he actually does.

Read on AO3

2019 - Las Vegas

Phil stretches his arm out over the bed, disappointment falls across him when he realises the space where Dan had been sleeping previously was empty. He reaches to the bedside table and grabs his glasses. The blurry room becomes crystal clear, the Vegas hotel room was dark but outside the casino lights presented a gentle glow around the edge of the room. The balcony door was open, a cool breeze blowing through. Phil climbed out of bed and headed for the open door. Dan stood, leaning against the glass railing, looking out over the city.

“Is everything okay?” Phil asked

Dan turned around sightly to look at Phil, he smiled and stretched out his hand. Phil took it and stepped closer to the railing.

“Do you remember when we came here for my 21st birthday?” Dan asked, ignoring Phil’s question.

“Not really” They both laugh “well… actually I do remember you drunkenly asking me to marry you”

They look at each other for a moment, they remember it well…

2012 - Las Vegas

They’re not sure how they made it back to the hotel room, they’re also not sure how much they’ve had to drink. Dan has the vlogging camera out and he’s filming himself raiding the mini bar.

“They’ve got Vodka, I need coke though” Dan gets up and almost falls back down but once he’s semi-stable he looks around the room for any sign of a mixer for his drink. He looks into the camera for a moment. “When you can’t find coke you just gotta drink vodka straight”

“You can’t do anything straight” Phil shouts from behind him.

Dan looks into the camera and then turns to look at Phil.

“Neither can you” Dan says, his voice is a mix of endearment but also a hint of annoyance “gonna have to delete this video now, thanks”

He turns the camera off and puts it down, he then grabs the vodka and drinks it from the bottle. Phil takes it from him and puts it down on the bedside cabinet before he heads out onto the balcony. Dan follows.

They stand in the middle of the balcony. Dan pulls Phil towards him, resting their foreheads together. They stand like that for a while before Dan finally speaks.

“We should get married” He says, he’s drunk but he’s serious and Phil can tell “we should get married... here... tomorrow”

“We’d have to tell everyone”

“No. we don’t have to tell anyone” Dan says bluntly.

“Dan… we can’t get married and not tell anyone” Phil says.

He wants nothing more than to say yes, he wants to marry Dan, more than anything, they’re… soulmates… Phil has never met anyone like Dan, his smart. Beautiful. Honest. Dan, he knows at this moment in time they can’t get married. Dan still doesn’t want people to know he’s gay, he’s not ready for his family to know and he’s not ready for the world to know. If they got married it would be public, Phil’s never cared about who knows about his sexuality but for Dan’s sake he’s always kept it hidden.

Dan moves away from Phil and leans against the balcony railing. He looks out over the city. Phil sighs and moves to stand next to Dan. Dan turns slightly so he has his back to Phil.

“Dan look at me, please” Phil puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder but is met with a shrug “I love you but you’re not ready for this y-”

“I am ready. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life. And look I know it’s technically a civil partnership but we can do it now and then when they legalise same sex marriage we can have a proper wedding with all our family and friends.”

Phil pulls Dan in close to him, he places a gentle kiss to his lips and leans their foreheads back together. Dan sighs, he knows they can’t get married yet and maybe he is just too drunk to think and in the morning he’ll realise how dumb all of this is. He loves Phil and Phil loves him, they don’t need to be married to show that.

2019 - Las Vegas

“It wasn’t the only time that I've thought about it” Dan says, he smiles. “Y’know marrying you.”

He takes Phil’s hand. Phil wonders if he’s going to ask him now, just how he had all those years ago, on a balcony just like this. They’re ready now. If Dan asks, he knows what he’ll say.

“I wanted to ask you in 2014, after they legalised same-sex marriage in the UK, but i didnt” Dan looks down at the ground “and then i almost asked you in 2015 when we went to Japan and last year during the tour”

There’s a sad look in Dan’s eyes. The thought of all his failed attempts and harsh words in his head telling him he shouldn’t weighed him down. There were so many times he could have asked...

2014 - London

Dan sits in the usual place on the sofa, his laptop on his lap, a cup of coffee on the arm rest. Phil’s in his bedroom (well his bedroom set) filming a video. Dan’s not sure what it’s about but he knows when it comes to editing Phil will make him watch it and give opinions. Dan’s scrolling through tumblr when he sees it:

GUYS!!! The UK just legalised same-sex marriage!!

Congrats to all the gays in the uk who can get married now!

Gay Marriage has become legal in the UK glad to see more countries getting with the times!

Dan immediately turns on the TV to BBC News, there’s a reporter talking about how historic this is for the country.

“Phil come here!” Dan shouts

“I’m trying to film, Dan!” He shouts back

“I don’t care! Come here!” Dan’s attention is still on the TV

Phil comes into the room, Dan doesn’t look at him. He just points towards the TV. Phil doesn’t say a word, he just sits down next to Dan, a huge smile on his face. The reporter is talking to a couple now, they’re saying how they were getting married in a few weeks and it was likely they would be the first gay couple to get married, not a civil partnership but actually married! They were going to have the same rights as a straight couple. Dan looks over at Phil finally, his eyes are glued to the TV.

Dan wants to get up right now, and ask Phil the question, he’s been thinking about it for a while now, but knowing they could actually get married in a legal sense, he wants that. He can’t do it now though. He wants to do it properly, he wants to ask Kath and Nigel for their permission, he needs to get a ring, he… he needs to come out. He needs to come to terms with being… gay. It’s a word that he hates, he hates describing himself as that, he doesn’t want to be that and asking Phil to marry him… That’s pretty gay… so he pushes the thought of marriage out of his mind, again. He hates that he feels this way. He loves Phil and he doesn’t understand why his brain says it’s okay to be with Phil but it’s not okay to say he’s gay? He tells himself it’s different, Phil is his best friend, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t even think the term ‘romantically involved’ fits what he and Phil are. They’re Dan and Phil, soulmates, companions, partners for life. What he and Phil have, it’s special, it’s real, it’s just them. They don’t need to be married to be committed to each other, and they don’t need to world to know what they are either.

He tells himself they don’t need to get married over and over again, that he doesn’t want that… he’s lying.

2015 - Tokyo

Yesterday was all about filming their day in the life video but today Dan had other plans. Phil was in the shower and Dan was looking through his own suitcase, he pulls out a roll of socks and unravels them to reveal a box, he looks over his shoulder to make sure he’s alone and then opens the box up. He looks at the ring inside. He’d bought it a few weeks ago in London, hid it in so many different places and then somehow managed to get it to another country without Phil finding it. Dan had told Phil they were going to a park called Koishikawa Korakuen so he could take photos. It was a beautiful place and the perfect place to propose, he’d seen all these pictures of the beautiful gardens on instagram and he knew that this was the place, Japan was such a special place for the both of them and he knew how perfect it would be if they were to get engaged here. The shower turns off and Dan shoves the box into his jacket pocket. He thinks he’s ready this time.

The park is beautiful and Dan now has to decide where he wants to actually do the proposal, he’s not even sure what he wants to say yet. They walk around for an hour just taking photos and talking and then Dan sees the perfect spot, it’s a small stone path surrounded by trees and a pond. Dan takes a deep breath.

“Lets go over here” Dan says already walking ahead of Phil.

Phil follows until they stop in the middle of the path, they’re facing each other. Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, he loves Phil’s eyes, they’re a beautiful shade of Blue mixed with green and yellow, the best eyes i’ve ever seen.

“Phil I-”

“Oh my God!” A voice squeals from behind them “Dan and Phil!?”

Dan turns around, he wants to be annoyed but the voice belongs to a young fan who obviously has no idea she’s ruining a big moment. She looks around 15, from her accent he assumes she’s American.

“It’s really you, oh my God, I watch all your videos like all the time, i love you guys!”

Phil steps forward, he has a huge smile. Dan’s confused for a moment and then remembers Phil has no idea a moment was ruined either. Phil starts talking to the girl. Dan puts his hand in his pocket and holds the ring box. This is a sign, he knows it. It’s another thing getting in the way of his happiness. He should be used to it by now, but it really fucking hurts. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to do this. He should just return the ring and forget this ever happened before…Phil’s voice snaps him away from his thoughts

“Dan, you have the longest arm you take the selfie” He says.

Dan smiles and takes the girls phone, he hopes he doesn’t look like he’s faking it. He’s not in the mood to read comments pointing out his face when the girl inevitably posts the photo all over social media.

Dan knows there’s still time this trip to propose, but now all he can think of is how if that fan had come a few moments later she would have seen the proposal and then it would be everywhere, he realises once again that he’s not ready for the world to know. He’s having a panic attack now but Phil is still talking to the fan.

“Phil?” Dan asks catching Phil’s attention “Remember we’re meeting some friends in 20 minutes”

It’s a lie, but he can’t stand here any longer, he doesn’t want the fan to think he’s an asshole so lying is easier than just leaving. Phil understands what Dan means, whenever either of them think they’re having some kind of anxiety attack in public they always use the same excuse, like a code.

“Oh, you’re busy, of course. I’m sorry for bothering you” The girl is too cheerful, thankfully she doesn’t realise they’re trying to get rid of her.

Dan returns the ring a few days after they get home. The lady in the store asks why. He could lie and say it didn’t fit but he doesn’t.

“It wasn’t the right time” He sighs “not sure it ever will be.”

The lady gives him a sad look and that she’s sorry that it didn’t work out.

Dan cries in the Taxi back to their apartment, He’s sorry too.

2018 - London

Dan sits in bed. He stares intently at his laptop screen. it’s 3am, Phil is asleep next to him, he’s facing away from Dan.

You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer!

He reads the last lines in his word document over and over, everything is suddenly feeling like it’s falling into place. It took him 27 years to get to a point of acceptance, a place where he’s finally comfortable being queer… Gay. He’s gay. He remembers how over the last few years he’s become more comfortable with his sexuality, he stopped trying to hide as much and he knows the audience picked up on it. He scrolls back to the top of his script, he wants to get up now and film it and put it out but he knows he can’t right now, but this time it’s not because he’s scared. He and Phil are about to start a huge tour. Coming out is going to change everything but they can’t have any distractions now. The tour is big and important, this can wait.

Phil turns over, Dan looks over at him as his eyes open.

“You’re still awake?” He mumbles

“I finished it” Dan says, turning the screen slightly “over 25 pages”

Phil sits up and grabs his glasses from the bedside table.

“Can i read it?” He asks leaning his head against Dan’s shoulder.

“Not the whole thing, there’s one part I want you to hear though” Dan turns his head, his eyes meeting Phil’s. “If you don’t want me to say it, I'll take it out

Dan scrolls about half way through, Phil sees his name written within a paragraph.Dan begins to read.

“Obviously we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic. This is someone who genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child I actually felt safe” Dan pauses to look at Phil, he doesn’t read the next part off the screen, he tells Phil from memory “We are real best friends. Companions through life. Actual soulmates.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, he places his hand gently on Dan’s cheek and kisses him softly. Dan knows this is Phil’s way of saying yes, he can include this in the video. Dan puts his laptop down.

“I love you, so much, Phil”

“I love you, Dan, so so much”

They fall asleep wrapped up in each other, with smiles on their faces. Dan’s ready now. Next time he asks Phil to marry him, he knows he’s actually going to go through with it.

2019 - Las Vegas

Dan takes a deep breath. It’s now or never, he knows that. He’s thought about this moment for almost 7 years now. He doesn’t have a ring or a plan but he knows that right now on this balcony is where he’s going to ask Phil to marry him.

“I’ve wanted to ask you this for like, 7 years” He begins “but every time I tried to ask I chickened out because I wasn’t ready to admit who I really was. Over the last 2 years I’ve started to feel more comfortable with other people knowing about me, i’ve always been comfortable around you, but other people knowing has always been a huge deal. Um…”

Dan wipes a tear away from his eye. He looks Phil in the eyes. Phil is smiling at him.

“You are the love of my life” He continues “and now that everything's out in the open and we don’t have to hide anymore, I know I’m finally ready for this, there’s no voice in the back of my head telling me no. So…”

Dan gets down on one knee and takes Phil’s hands.

“Phil Lester” He takes a deep breath “Will you marry me?”

He sees the tears in Phil’s eyes. Phil nods.

“Of course I will, Dan”

Dan jumps up and pulls Phil into a tight hug. They kiss for a while before Dan pulls away, laughing.

“This is ridiculous, we just got engaged on a balcony in Vegas while in our pajamas, I don’t even have ring for you”

Phil starts to laugh too. “This is perfect, this is the most us proposal you could have ever done, we can go out in the afternoon and get a ring”

“Or… we could go out in the afternoon and just get married?”

“We could.”

4:00PM Thurs 18 Jul

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danielhowell has shared a post

It’s a photo of 2 hands, one belonging to Dan and the other Phil. They have wedding bands on their fingers. The caption reads: AcTuAl SoULmATeS @ AmazingPhil

4:05PM Thurs 18 Jul

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AmazingPhill has shared a post

It’s a 2 photos, the first being a poor quality screenshot from the first Phil is not on fire, the second photo is of Phil kissing Dan on the cheek, Dan is holding his hand up to show off the wedding ring on his finger.

#Phanfiction #Phan #idk what to tag this lmao #this is my first dnp fanfic #also the first fic ive written in like 7 #years #so like be nice thanks

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emo-fanfics-uwu · 5 years ago

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warnings: angst with dan, depression, fluff!!!!!

A/N: i wanted to post something and this was in my drafts so enjoy this while i work on the requests.

you couldn't take any more of this. walking down the hall, you faced his door. your best friend. he wouldn't come out for a week. he didn't talk to you nor phil. something was wrong and he wouldn't tell anyone what.

you softly knocked on the door and waited before you heard him quietly shuffle over. once it opened, you found he was a mess. bloodshot eyes, the same clothes on as the last time you saw him, and messy hair.

you walked in and closed the door only to turn around and find he was already back to laying on his bed face down. you came over and sat down, scared he would snap if you got too close.

you didn't say anything. your prescence was enough for dan to be calmer. he just wished you would stay with him. he needed someone this week, but pushed everyone away. he didn't realize he was crying until you wiped away one of his tears with your thumb.

he sat up and kept his eyes down.

"sorry," he mumbled. you leaned against the headboard and shifted so dan could sit next to you.

"there's nothing to apologize for dan."

"i shouldn't be alive."

you looked over at him and winced. you hated when he said things like that. sure, you say that all the time, but dan had so much to live for.

"don't say that."

"why? why's that y/n?"

"because-"

"because why y/n? because people love me? because i'm famous? i'm not funny, i'm a horrible person, i'm dragging people down," he lifted up his sleeves to reveal scars up and down, "i'm a freak y/n."

you were both standing up now, facing each other.

"there's nothing wrong with you dan. that doesn't make you a freak-"

"yes it does!" at this point he was screaming. "i am a freak! i don't belong here, why can't you just see that? why can't you just leave? your life would be better without me here!"

"because you're my best friend."

"just get out. i don't need you. i never did, can't you just leave?!"

you looked down at your feet, tears filling your eyes.

"do, do you really mean that?"

dan sighed and ran a hand through his greasy hair. he didn't mean any of that, but then again, he could just end it all once you leave him. he stood there waiting for you to leave but you didn't.

"please leave y/n," he said, barely audible. you nodded the tears finally leaving your eyes, just as dan's had. you left the room and immediately walked to the living room to find phil wrapped in a blanket covering his ears.

"i hate when you two fight, y'know."

he looked up seeing you crying and stood up, embracing you. yes, this wasn't the first time you and dan had a screaming match when one of you were having an episode. it happened probably once every two months. but never had you cried. phil nor dan had ever seen you cry. (A/N: phil let out a single tear, not afraid to show emotion in front of his true best friend.)

"he hates me."

"no he doesn't. you need to go back and talk with him."

"he hates me. he always has. i'll just move out. you'll both be better off without me around."

"no. we need you here. now go talk to him. i am going to sleep now," phil was determined. his two best friends would not stay fighting.

you sighed, walking to your room to put lounge pants and one of dan's old sweatshirts on. he had one of yours too. your friendship was one that you cherished so much. walking back to his room, you saw him crying into a pillow.

he felt the bed dip and he didn't look up. he thought whoever it was would give up on him and go away. ten minutes later, you hadn't left, but dan had started to cry harder.

you hesitantly reached over and rubbed his back a little. he finally turned to look at you.

"why are you here?"

"you should never go to sleep on an argument."

he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and leaned into your touch.

"i'm sorry for what i said. i didn't mean it, i was just upset."

"i know you didn't mean it. it's okay."

you returned his hug, playing with his curls. you knew this relaxes him.

"i just, i don't know. i feel awful right now."

"probably cause you haven't slept, showered, or eaten in a week." he let out a small laugh.

"i guess that's something."

you smiled, and released your hug.

"you get in the shower, i'm gonna bring you toast when you're done."

>•<

you walked back to his room once dan told you he was done. his curls were still wet and he had pajamas on now. you pushed the plate of toast you had toward him as you laid down on his bed.

"you need to eat."

"all of it?"

"not all, just half."

he sighed and did what you told him to do. he was happy he didn't puke it up this time. he started to doze off once he picked up his computer. you noticed this, but he told you he was fine.

after a half hour, you were getting tired yourself. phil came into the room and smiled.

"all made up?"

you nodded while dan was still dozing off atop his computer.

"that's good. i'm going to head to sleep now. you lovebirds should too," phil wiggled his eyebrows.

you laughed and said goodnight to him. gently waking up dan, you told him to get ready to sleep. he rolled under the covers after putting his laptop away.

you started to walk out until dan called your name. he scooted over and patted the spot next to him, nervously looking down, expecting you to just leave. you smiled and came over.

you pulled him close, feeling his legs entangled with yours, while you gently traced "i love you" over and over again on his bare back with your finger.

you took a quick glance down at dan, who was laying his head on your chest, to check if he was still comfortable as he looked up sleepily. you began to think how much you never want the moment to end. then you also begin to think about how would you two be after a moment that close.

"i love you too," his gentle voice rang through your ears, as a soft smile returning to his face once again, and the warmth of his body soaking with yours.

dan began to think about what you felt because he began to feel something once again. he leaned up and sloppily kissed your lips. he laid back down placing his head on your shoulder, being comforted by you.

"goodnight dan."

"goodnight n/n."

#dan howell #phil lester #danhowellfanfic #dan howell x reader #dan james howell #dan howell fanfictions

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lestered · 6 years ago

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lost in your paradise

m, 9.3k

It’s been six years of surreal friendship, and an even surrealer crush. Six years of traveling all around the world, and wanting to kiss him in every place.

Six years of chickening out every time.

Dan has no reason to believe that Japan will be any different, but anything can happen when you get lost under the Tokyo lights.

read on ao3 or under the cut

written for @starboydjh for @phanfictionevents spring fic exchange! thank you Hadley for giving me such an amazing prompt to work with!

many thanks as well to my beta, irl bff @b-j-e who definitely isn’t reading this because he hasn’t used his tumblr in five years and has probably had enough of this fic by now, but still deserves an mvp award.

He wants to kiss him in Manchester.

60 meters up in the sky, gazing out over Phil’s favorite city in the world. The one he’d insisted that Dan come to visit so that he could really meet his new best friend.

Well... he'd phrased it that way at least, but Dan could’ve sworn that the words ‘best friend’ were laced with something else. Something in Phil’s eyes, in his tone of voice, in the way Dan could see his eyes moving over the screen, flickering from his lips to his bare chest and back into his eyes - that said they were best friends, no doubt, but maybe they could be more. That maybe Phil wants more. Wants what Dan had suspected himself of wanting since before they’d even spoken, and what had been confirmed on that train platform when he’d finally locked onto that ocean-blue gaze in person and been tugged so easily into a warm, tight embrace that had left him flushed and happy and still, hours later, charged with an overwhelming urge to pull Phil in close again, to put his hands on him and kiss that adorable, lopsided smile off his lips. To put it all on the line even though it’s a bit terrifying.

Not even a bit terrifying, actually. Just… regular terrifying. So he sits close and lets their thighs press together and their hands and elbows brush and meets each of Phil’s curious, unreadable glances with something just as unreadable, just hoping Phil picks up on his wanting and leans in and does what he doesn’t have the courage to do himself. But whether Phil’s just as nervous and unsure as Dan, or because he genuinely doesn’t want to, his wish goes unfulfilled.

He doesn’t kiss him on the Manchester eye. He also doesn’t kiss him that night in his bed, or all the other times in Rawtenstall, or in Phil’s crappy first apartment or the first that they share. He doesn’t kiss him all the times they find themselves leaning in too close, holding each other’s gaze for too long, letting little offhand but suggestive comments drift out and float almost antagonizingly in the space between them.

He wanted to kiss him in Manchester.

But he didn’t.

***

Their hotel room in Japan is unreal. From the plush beds to the high-tech toilet to the mirror-TV, it’s by far the nicest room they’ve ever stayed in. It’s cool - too cool for them, frankly, but no one really needs to know that. Dan’s definitely not one to complain.

Personally, he’s a particularly big fan of their jacuzzi tub. It’s big enough to fit his giant noodle body, for one - a luxury that most tubs don’t afford him. And for another thing, he’s found that there’s nothing quite like a nice hot soak after a full day of walking around, exploring, because they can’t miss a thing, because Tokyo’s been their dream destination for years and who knows if they’ll ever get to come back.

It’s a lot of activity.

And it’s definitely worth it; it’s just also a bit strenuous for someone who spends most of his time slumped in front of a computer screen. Some warm bubbles go a long way when it’s time to unwind from it.

He may have stayed in a bit too long tonight, judging by the pruny state of his fingers and toes, but he can’t bring himself to care as he dries off, taking some extra time to towel the wetness out of his hair. The sooner it dries, the sooner he can straighten it.

A puff of steam follows him when he steps out into the bedroom a moment later in just his t-shirt and boxers, causing an unintentionally dramatic scene.

He half-expects Phil to notice and tease him for it. However, Phil’s laid out on his bed, still in the exact position he’d fallen into upon arriving back to their room - flat on his back, fully starfished save for the phone that he’s now holding to his ear.

“No, come on, don’t apologize. Tell him we hope he feels better soon, yeah?”

Dan gives him a curious glance as he flops forward onto his own bed, stretching out on his stomach and sliding his arms around to hug the pillow that he’s smushed into his cheek.

“Right, good luck. And seriously, thanks for everything you guys’ve done for us here, alright? Yeah… talk to you later.”

Phil blows out a breath, sets his phone down and rolls over to face Dan in a position that mimics his own.

“That was Mimei.” He tells him, though Dan figured as much. “They can’t come out tonight, apparently Duncan’s a bit under the weather and she’d feel bad leaving him alone. I guess he doesn't handle being poorly too well.”

Dan feels the corners of his mouth turn down in a small, disappointed frown. “Oh." He shifts to adjust the positioning of the pillow under his head. "That sucks, I wanted to go out one more time. I guess we could get room service, though, and now I won’t have to straighten my hair…”

“What are talking about?” Phil interrupts him before he can finish his thought. “We can still go out.”

Oh, god. Six years later, his heart is still full to bursting with love for his best friend, but he can’t deny that Phil has a tendency to lack crucial self awareness in situations like these. Phil must sense the apprehension on his part, because he quickly follows it up:

"It's our last night, we can't not go out!"

“Phil.” He rolls his eyes. “We can’t go out alone at night. We don't know where we're going, we can’t read the signs... we can’t use data here, so Maps is out of the question if we get lost which, since you have the navigational proficiency of a blind goose with vertigo…”

Phil’s spare pillow lands against his face with a soft thud before Dan can finish whatever hyperbolic insult he was ready to make up on the fly.

He knows what comes next: the pillow falls away and he’s met with big, blue puppy dog eyes and a pout. Phil doesn’t even need to say anything, and he knows it. Pure evil, he is.

(Not really. Pure evil would be if he knew what those eyes really do to Dan, if he knew how desperately Dan wants to make them light up and kiss the pout off his lips. But he doesn’t know. As it stands, Phil just believes himself to be an exceptionally talented beggar.)

“Fuck off.” He groans, and turns his face fully into the pillow before he gets too caught up. “Fine, we’ll go out if you'll stop being an insufferable spoon.”

The giggle he gets in return lets Dan know that Phil’s very pleased with himself, but he doesn’t need to look up to see his smile. He’s got it memorized already.

***

He wants to kiss him in Wokingham.

It’s not the right time, though.

Wokingham isn’t what he wants or who he wants to be; It's everything he wants to leave behind. It's loneliness and confusion and self-doubt - really, it's everything that Phil’s not.

Phil is warmth and support and a genuine hope that maybe he won’t have to define himself by the first eighteen mediocre years of his life. Phil is someone who actually believes in him in a way that he hasn’t believed in himself for years.

Phil’s the future he wants. Their first kiss ought to be in some place that represents his hope for that future, not the place he’s so eager to ditch.

Right.

That’s what he tells himself. Really, it's a convoluted excuse to cover the fact that he’s just scared shitless. Again.

Having Phil with him in Wokingham is strange. He’s been happy letting these two parts of his life exist completely separate from each other so far. Of course, Phil makes him feel safe, but he’d be lying if he said that having him in his hometown doesn’t make him feel… exposed. Vulnerable. As if Phil would arrive here and immediately sniff out all of Dan’s yet-unspoken baggage - that uneasy balance between stupid teen angst and real, confusing, lonely, amorphous sadness that hangs so heavy in the air of his teenage bedroom that it’s almost tangible to him.

He thinks, at first, that Phil's not picked up on it. Phil’s just happy to see him, always so happy to see him. Inexplicably so, in Dan’s opinion, no matter how many times Phil tries to tell him otherwise.

He doesn’t realize until late that night, in bed, that Phil’s more perceptive than he’d given him credit for.

“Thanks for letting me come here, Dan.” His voice is laced with understanding when he whispers into the dark, tugging him into his chest and sending Dan's heart into overdrive. It’d be so easy to do it now, to tilt his head up, to lean in just a bit, to brush his lips against Phil’s.

But he's frozen in place because a kiss could lose him this embrace if Phil doesn’t kiss him back. And he realizes he’s not ready to take that risk.

Will he ever be?

“You’re welcome.” He whispers instead, letting his eyes fall shut and releasing the breath he’d been holding. “I’m glad you’re here, Phil.”

He wanted to kiss him in Wokingham.

But he didn’t.

***

“Remember you want the tuna roll to end up in your mouth, and not on the back of some poor unsuspecting lady’s neck across the room.”

Phil kicks his shin under the table, but his blush and bitten-back smile betray any malice he might’ve been attempting.

“I hate you.” He mumbles. “You can't just let me live that down?”

“Do you even know me?” Dan crumples his straw wrapper into a tiny ball and flicks it across the table. It lands in Phil's lap and his mind may or may not be playing tricks on him when he thinks he sees a hint of fondness in the eyeroll that follows. “Of course not.”

They’re sat at the sushi restaurant from a few nights ago. It was their safest bet - the majority of the waitstaff speak at least some English and they know enough rudimentary Japanese food-words to pick things off menu. The overlap is enough for them to order their rolls and an extra side of spicy mayo, which suits them just fine.

Last time they sat at the bar, this time they're tucked into a table-for-two in the back corner. It's clearly not meant for two men as tall as them. They keep accidentally stepping on each other's toes.

(Maybe not always accidentally on Dan's part. Lamely, he knows that it's probably the closest he'll ever get to a game of footsie.)

“Do I get to tell the internet about how you cried at the Ghibli museum, then?” Phil asks, and this time there's definitely a fond glimmer behind his teasing expression.

That earns Phil his own kick to the shin. “Go ahead. They won’t judge me for it, they’ll judge you for being the soulless robot who didn’t cry.”

The look of shocked indignation on Phil's face before he schools his features into a cooler, more neutral expression is incredibly precious.

“Whatever." He retorts. "I was emotional too, I just held it together so I could be there to support you.”

The joking lilt of Phil’s voice unfortunately doesn't tame the swooping sensation he feels by default in the pit of his stomach every time Phil says something that makes him wonder if there's any truth, any genuine feeling behind the bants.

He decides that he's feeling a little too sober for this.

***

He wants to kiss him in Blackpool.

It's a getaway, not quite the way they’d planned it, but it can still be… romantic. Maybe. If he manages to actually do something right.

It’s just the two of them and that’s gotta to mean something. Do strictly platonic friends go on holiday for no other reason than wanting to enjoy each other’s company in a more private setting?

Maybe, but do they? Dan can't shake off the feeling that this trip means something more. He’s sure he senses it in the way Phil’s fingers still for a moment on the trackpad on his laptop, the cursor on the screen hovering between the one- or two-bed options on the hotel website.

The brief silence is excruciating, but no more so than the mouse click when Phil ends up selecting the room with two beds.

He supposes that doesn't necessarily mean anything. It's just that neither of them spoke up.

Blackpool turns out to be a shithole, though, so is it the right place?

Probably not, but… it'd be far less shitty if Dan could muster up the courage one goddamn night to crawl into Phil’s bed with him, instead of his own.

He actually almost does, stumbling into their room giddy and wine-drunk after a too-expensive dinner on the last night, trusting Phil to support about half his weight with the arm slung around his waist, and his arm around Phil’s shoulders.

“Fucking hell, finally.” He doesn't bother untangling them before falling backwards onto the bed, landing Phil on top of him with a surprised 'oof.'

“Shit, sorry mate.” He manages with an indelicate snort as Phil lifts himself onto his forearms. Then suddenly, Dan isn’t sorry at all - not with Phil on top of him, face flushed from the alcohol, eyes half-lidded and searching.

He really, really isn’t sorry.

“S’ok.” Phil mumbles in reply. He stays hovering over him, unmoving, his voice barely above a whisper and Dan swears he sees those pretty eyes flicker down to his lips.

If there’s ever been a go-ahead to kiss him, kiss him right fucking now, this would have to be it.

He just needs to collect himself first. Just a few deep breaths.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale— oh.

Oh no.

“Uh, Phil. I need you to get off me now.”

All he registers is a glimpse of the confusion in Phil’s expression when he rolls off of him, only for Dan to bolt straight to the bathroom. He makes it to the toilet just in time to collapse onto his knees and empty the entire contents of his stomach.

Perhaps he’d overdone it on the liquid courage.

“...Dan?” He hears Phil’s voice drifting in from the bedroom. “You alright? Can I get you anything?”

He sounds concerned, and understandably not the least bit turned on. Nice.

“Totally fine.” He rasps in reply, and groans internally over how his voice echoes pathetically out of the toilet bowl while he rests his forehead on the cool porcelain rim.

They go to sleep in separate beds that night.

He wanted to kiss him in Blackpool.

But he didn’t.

***

Phil, in an unprecedented display of chopstick dexterity, manages to actually finish his sushi without accidentally assaulting anyone. Dan is secretly a little bit disappointed. Dumbass moments like those become fond memories and inside jokes and another reinforcement to a bond so unique that nobody ever could manage to steal it away from him.

He'll make a memory anyway, a mental snapshot. Phil looks handsome and the lights are low and the music is soft and the food is good.

Oh, and the scorpion bowl in the middle of their table is very strong, and should definitely be shared by more than two people. But they're not letting that stop them.

In fact, Dan's been sipping a steady stream out of his straw for god knows how long.

“Christ, Dan, you're not eighteen anymore.” Phil nudges Dan’s foot with his own under the table. "Slow down if you don't wanna be hungover on the plane tomorrow. Plus you keep slurping."

“I’ll slurp your mum.” He replies without thinking, still holding the straw in between his teeth. He registers what he's actually said a second too late, just a moment after Phil looks at him with a horrified expression and he sputters before dropping his head down into his hands.

“No, no. I take it back. I didn’t say that, I did not say that.” He tries to insist, but he’s wheezing and his shoulders are shaking with laughter and he can’t take it back. Phil's joined in on the laughter and he's definitely not gonna let him take it back. “Fuck.” He sighs out when he catches his breath. “Don’t tell Kath.”

Phil’s cheeks are flushed a dark, rosy pink by the time he regains his composure and takes a long sip out of their shared drink again.

“As if I’d ever repeat one of your terrible jokes to her. She’d be scarred for life.”

Dan almost points out that Phil’s mum watches their videos, and he’s said worse on camera, but he stops himself.

Because one day of vlogging aside, this vacation has been a welcome escape, a break from the constant thought loop of youtube, youtube, fans, fans, radio, radio, youtube youtube youtube that refuses to leave them alone back in England.

His life could be a lot worse. But that doesn't change the fact that they're here right now in a whole new world where they've not been recognized, not even once, and he's breathing so easy, like a gigantic weight he hadn't even registered before has been lifted off his chest.

It’s amazing. He looks across the table at Phil. He can do that here, where they won't run into anyone, where it's unlikely that anyone's secretly watching - look at Phil for as long as he wants, not bothering to worry about schooling his features into something that definitively does not resemble heart-eyes. Phil catches his eye and stares back at him with an intent, albeit slightly unfocused gaze. He's not used to Phil looking at him this way, but his fuzzy brain can't bring itself to decipher what might be going on in Phil's head.

Whatever it might is, his best-friend-intuition tells him he likes it.

“Hey, Phil.” He says after a final decisive drink, still focused on those sparkling eyes. “Let’s go exploring.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Portugal.

It's what Blackpool was supposed to be after all, vacation-wise.

It can be what Blackpool was supposed to be kiss-wise, too, if he doesn’t majorly fuck up this time.

It’s much prettier here than Blackpool. Much prettier than anywhere they’ve been, really.

Phil especially looks pretty here, even with his pale skin slathered in SPF-one million. He’s pretty at the Zoomarine, where his eyes gleam with excitement and he makes friends with a large turtle. He’s pretty with his face flushed and his smile wide and uninhibited after a bit of sangria, when he tells him his skin looks nice under the blue sun.

He’s so very pretty on the coastline, with his sunglasses a bit crooked and his face turned up towards the sun and his hair tousled from the salty wind, sitting right next to him on the warm rocky ground.

His chest hurts when he looks at Phil like this. He’s scared sometimes of how badly he wants him.

Phil shifts closer to him, and their hands, outstretched behind them, overlap.

...Interesting. Is that more or less scary? He feels hot all of a sudden and he suspects it's from more than just the sun.

But they stay like that, and his heart races, and he has no idea what to do because Phil’s acting like they’re doing nothing unusual even though it’s been a while since they’ve touched like this.

His stupid inner romantic has never fully ruled out the possibility that maybe Phil wants him too.

So is this a move? Is he going to make another? If he does then that’s a lot of pressure off of Dan, for sure.

He waits.

He waits for a long time.

And he probably doesn’t have a right to feel disappointed when nothing happens, but he does anyway.

He wanted to kiss him in Portugal.

But he didn’t.

***

Stepping out into the fresh air sobers him up a little bit. Not a lot, but enough that he and Phil don’t need to lean on each other when they walk. That’s good, he doesn’t feel like looking sloppy even though Phil’s seen him at his sloppiest. And wherever they’re about to go, he wants to remember it.

They don’t talk about where they’re going, but head off at the exact same time in the exact same random direction. They walk in silence for a bit and Dan doesn’t mind. Silence is quite alright, especially if he’s sharing it with Phil. His mind is foggy and the Tokyo streets are loud enough and Phil’s right there, next to him like always. That’s enough for him.

He’s actually startled when Phil finally speaks up. “I kind of can’t believe we did this.”

Dan looks over at him and Phil’s gaze is a little distant, his voice a little dreamy, and his lips quirked into a bit of a smile. Dan’s heart swells.

“Came here, you mean?” His voice is barely above a soft murmur, but he knows Phil can hear him anyway. They find a break in traffic and cross the road towards some building he doesn’t recognize with some neon pink sign in the front that he can’t read. “I know. Kinda doesn’t feel real.”

He thinks back over six years, how many times they talked about Japan. Too many to count, and never in concrete terms, always some vague, faraway goal.

He thinks of the times they’d sit a little too close on the couch and watch anime over breakfast, all the skype calls in the very beginning when they’d spend ages rambling to each other about Pokemon and My Neighbor Totoro. He thinks of standing at their breakfast bar in Manchester and mixing up Popin Cookin sweets, of losing their shit over Bishi Bashi special.

When he glances over to his side, he sees Phil looking right back at him. Dan can’t quite decipher his expression again, and he’s not sure it’s from the alcohol this time. The look on Phil's face quite resembles the one he'd had after spontaneously booking their tickets and following the initial excitement, something softer, but contemplative too. He likes that look. He likes having it aimed at him. He’s pretty sure his buzz intensifies for a second.

“It’s real.” Phil breathes, locking eyes with him and then looking away a little sooner than Dan wants him to. “Definitely real.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Jamaica.

He thought Portugal was pretty, but Jamaica is on a whole new level. And, as with anything else amazing that’s happened to him as of late, Phil is right there with him.

It feels kind of like a dream, if he’s being honest - that anyone would consider him important or influential enough to be on this trip.

The only reason he knows for sure that it’s not a dream is his hobbit hair. In a dream, he’d have it perfectly straightened and under control. But with the water activities and humidity here, any effort he puts in to taming his curls is entirely in vain.

Phil ruffles his hair and tells him his curls are cute. He cares a lot less after that.

What he does care about is filming and jumping off cliffs and tubing and sunset swims where Phil photographs him without his knowledge.

“What?” Phil comments when Dan whines to him about it. “It’s a cool photo. It’s artsy. You look nice.”

He scoffs at that. “It’s just my silhouette.”

“Well, it’s a good one.”

Everything around them is shades of pink and orange and gold. Warm and beautiful. Especially the golden light, bringing out the specks of yellow in Phil’s kaleidoscope eyes. Looking into them, he feels a distinct tugging somewhere in the pit of his stomach, and drifts over to Phil almost mindlessly. Phil smiles when he’s close enough.

“You have so many new freckles.” He murmurs, and taps him lightly on the tip of his nose.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. They make me look like a fucking eight-year-old.”

It’s the least sexy reply he could’ve given and he mentally scolds himself for it, but Phil doesn’t seem to notice or care.

“Shut up, they suit you.” Is all he says in reply and Dan’s lucky that there’s not enough light for Phil to see the blush spreading across his cheeks.

He doesn’t even need to make an effort to get any closer to Phil; the current does all the work for them until their knees touch.

He’s close to leaning in. More than anything, he wants to close the fucking gap.

Just his luck, though, Phil glances up just then and sighs. “Crap, it’s getting dark. We should go back, don’t wanna be late for dinner.”

He can’t find it in himself to muster enough courage after that.

He wanted to kiss him in Jamaica.

But he didn’t.

***

The place with the neon pink sign that they can’t read is some kind of karaoke bar, they realize once they’ve crossed the street and lean up against the wall for a breather and immediately hear the distinct beginning of Get Low by Lil John and two, mildy-drunk sounding voices belting along into microphones.

“Oh my God.” Phil’s eyes are wide. “Do you think they know what this song means? Like, what they’re actually saying?”

Dan holds up a finger and they go quiet.

To the windowwwwww (to the windowwwww)

To the wall (to the wall)

Til the sweat drop down my balls

Til all these bitches crawl

“Definitely not.” Dan snorts, and Phil rests his head back against the wall to breathe out a disbelieving laugh as well.

“I mean… I guess it’s not hurting anyone.” Phil shrugs. “We sing anime theme songs all the time and we have no clue what they mean. For all we know they could be incredibly profane.”

“Yes, Phil. I’m sure the Attack on Titan theme tune is incredibly profane. Come on, you spork.” He pushes off the wall and walks off a few feet down the sidewalk, only to realize that Phil’s not following him.

“Uh, Phil?” He turns around, eyebrow raised when he sees Phil still standing against the wall. “Don’t you wanna go find something to do?”

Phil hesitates, seeming to ponder something for a moment before breaking out into a smile. He pushes off the wall and takes a few steps backwards towards the door to the bar, his eyes just the slightest bit challenging.

“I think we just did.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Italy.

Chris and PJ aren’t stupid. They nudge him, shoot him looks, strategically leave him and Phil alone multiple times a day with fully conspicuous parting winks.

And he won't do it. If he’s going to kiss Phil (which, admittedly, is feeling like more and more of a lost cause), it’s going to be on his terms. It’s going to be when he feels it’s right, not when their well-meaning but idiotic friends decide.

It actually does feel right at one point, when Phil’s chasing him in a tipsy, spontaneous game of tag while they’re alone. Phil catches him and he wants to spin around right then, crash their mouths together, let Phil know that he’s got him in more ways than one. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or adrenaline, or maybe he’s just damn fed up with not having Phil’s lips on his.

Probably a combination, to be honest. But mostly that last thing.

He spins and just like that, PJ and Chris come right up behind them.

Some God that he doesn’t believe in really wanted to fuck with him tonight.

They seem to realize that they’ve come upon something they shouldn’t have, but Phil catches sight of them too, and then the moment’s gone.

He wanted to kiss him in Italy.

But he didn’t.

***

Phil must be drunker than Dan previously thought, because the Phil Lester that he prides himself on knowing extremely well does not just get the spontaneous urge to saunter into a karaoke bar. Yet that’s exactly what he does, and Dan kind of has no choice except to follow him.

The air inside is thick and hot and noisy, with a couple fans whirring on either side of the bar and a floor setup of basic tables and chairs, some mismatched overstuffed armchairs against the far wall, and most importantly a small stage (more like a platform, really) all the way up at the front, complete with a karaoke setup of two mics and a screen that flashes song lyrics in bright, loud colors. Phil leads them to the only empty armchair at the edge of the room, conveniently wide enough for the two of them to squeeze into.

And Dan has to admit it’s pretty cool. The bar may be hot and crowded and loud but it’s entertaining. They hear some regular, innocent songs. They’re quite nice. But they also hear uncensored renditions of Pony by Ginuwine, The Real Slim Shady by Eminem, and a personal favorite of theirs, My Neck, My Back. They contain their laughter for the most part, meaning a lot of the time they’re red faced and shaking. The laughter gets harder to contain when they’re sent a free drink each from a couple older ladies at the bar.

They don’t really need to loosen up more than they already are, but they drink them anyway.

Of course, the best part of the whole thing is being pressed up so close to Phil. He’s warm and smells nice and Dan would very much like to kiss his rosy cheek, but he’s not quite uninhibited enough for that.

“Right, my ass is falling asleep, we can probably get walking around again.” Phil says when he stands up a while later with a stretch and a yawn. Dan follows, and just then the current song ends and the next karaoke slot opens up.

A seed of an idea plants itself in Dan’s mind, and he flashes Phil the same challenging look that Phil had aimed at him earlier. “Or, maybe not just yet.” He grins and pulls a shocked, protesting Phil up on stage. He’d be painfully too awkward to do this sober, but his head is swimming a bit, so he’s alright.

Phil is still looking incredibly alarmed as Dan sorts through the song selection, and it doesn’t take long for him to find the perfect one. He hits play and Phil pales when it starts up. Dan merely gives him a cheeky smirk and picks up his mic.

mmBaby can’t you see, I’m calling

A guy like you should wear a warning

It’s dangerous

I’m falling…

Your turn, he mouths to a Phil who now looks less terrified, more intrigued, and in a sudden show of bravery, grabs his own mic.

There’s no escape

I can’t wait

I need a hit

Baby, give me it

A loud cheer coming from somewhere around the bar puts what Dan could almost describe as a sultry smirk on Phil’s lips. Surely that’s not on purpose.

You’re dangerous

I’m loving it

It sends a rush of blood down in between his legs anyway. He breathes in deep, locks eyes with Phil and joins back in.

Too high, can’t come down

Losing my head, spinning round and round

...

...Do you feel me now?

***

He wants to kiss him in Orlando, Vegas, and LA.

He doesn’t even need an excuse as to why he won’t. More and more, they’ve been keeping some distance from each other. There’s pressure mounting. A rapidly growing fanbase, thousands and thousands of prying eyes.

Thousands and thousands of hopefuls wanting the things Phil said in that damn video to be true just as much as Dan does.

And just as much as he has to act like he doesn’t. The situation may not be that out of control, but he’s living in his own personal spiral of misery. Phil moves further and further out of his reach and it’s not supposed to bother him - hell, it’s partially his own fault.

He doesn’t know if it bothers Phil or not. They don’t talk about it. They still talk, all the time, about everything else. Just… not that. Never that.

He doesn’t hope at this point. Not the way he used to. He still wants, he still wants so bad that it hurts. All he can bring himself to hope for is that their on-camera life doesn’t bleed into their off-camera life more than it already has. He couldn’t handle it.

He wanted to kiss him in Orlando, Vegas and LA.

But he didn’t.

***

They’re giddy and nearly delirious when they stumble out of the bar later, courtesy of a couple more free drinks and the adrenaline from two encore performances after their smashing performance of Toxic.

“Fucking hell.” Dan laughs when they lean up against the outside wall again, right where they’d been leaning before. “That was…” He shakes his head and laughs again before gulping down as much fresh air as he can. “That was pretty fucking epic.”

“It was.” Phil agrees with the same type of laugh, wiping the sweat off of his brow. “We haven’t done karaoke in way too long.”

“We’ve never done karaoke, you dingus.” Dan snorts and bumps his shoulder weakly into Phil’s. “Rock Band doesn’t count as karaoke.”

Phil bumps his shoulder right back. “It does to me, you... you… rude person.”

Phil really isn’t good with the insults in his regular state. Drunk Phil’s insults, though, are simply laughable. “Ouch, Phil." He feigns hurt. "I might not ever recover from that absolute zinger.”

Without thinking, he grabs the shoulder of Phil’s jacket and starts to tug him along while Phil follows along with a weak retort of “your mum.”

He’s not sure how far they walk, arms and hands brushing and shoulders bumping and cheeks blushing, before they come upon a small, well-lit ice cream shop. Dan hadn’t even thought about ice cream, but now the light inside the shop may as well be a beacon of heaven.

They keep walking once they’ve got their cones, and Dan can’t hold back his satisfied groan when he takes his first lick and it instantly hits the spot. “God, why isn’t ice cream like, the most popular drunk food?” He asks around his next several licks. “It’s filling, it’s cold, it’s refreshing… it's literally perfect. We’ve been so blind.”

“It’s definitely better than those kebabs you used to slam with your uni mates after the club before stumbling back to my apartment.” Phil says with a shrug, occupied with his own cone.

Dan thinks that Phil’s teasing might be laced with a bit of fond nostalgia, but he could just be projecting. He has plenty of fond nostalgia over having an excuse to pass out in Phil’s bed, half on top of him a couple times a week. He also has some… slightly less fun memories of Phil nursing him back to health if he woke up particularly hungover.

“Hey, those were good times.” Dan defends, though he’s not referring to the kebabs or the clubbing or even his old uni mates. They walk further into the night, slurping their respective ice creams, and Dan lets himself wonder if Phil ever looks back on those times in the same way.

***

He wants to kiss him in London.

It’s not the first time they’ve been here. But it’s the most important.

It’s the start of something new. A huge step forward in their life, a big risk that they’re taking together, trusting each other to pull through.

There’s actual career advancement on the line. Actual grown-up shit. Actual jobs at the actual fucking BBC. They wouldn’t be here without each other, and he’s so happy. So grateful.

Now more than ever, he appreciates how much he's managed to change his life for the better since meeting Phil. How Phil's been there through everything, stuck by him at his absolute messiest. How he’s cared. So much. More than Dan’s ever imagined, more than he deserves.

They build a crappy wardrobe, and they're definitely a little too proud of themselves for it.

It’s right after that, lying side by side on the carpet next to the only piece of furniture that they currently own, that Dan feels that pull again. He feels it less these days, or maybe he just refuses to acknowledge it. It's hard for now, but he figures ignoring it will get easier at some point.

He’s just not there yet.

He wanted to kiss him in London.

But he didn’t.

***

“Stars are so pretty.” Phil sighs. “You know some of the stars we’re looking at right now are already dead? How crazy is that? They’re just… shiny little... beacons of death. So cute.”

“Oh my God, what are you even on about?” Dan mumbles as he rolls his head to the side. They’re both laying down on a bed of soft, slightly damp grass after happening on a quaint little park 15 or so minutes away from the ice cream shop. Conveniently so, as they were both just about dead on their feet.

They’ve been mostly silent, not talking, not touching. Dan gazes into the dark sky and listens to Phil’s deep, steady breathing. He feels like he’s floating, light and breezy in some space between his reality and a dream. It’s definitely not a bad way to be winding down. He checks the time on his phone. It’s nearly midnight.

“Hey Dan?” Phil’s voice pulls him back to the present after a pretty long while. “Have you got any idea where we are?”

Dan sighs softly in reply. “No clue,” he murmurs, resting a hand on his stomach and letting his eyes slide shut.

“Oh.”

Dan furrows his eyebrows when he hears a bit of an edge in Phil’s voice. It takes him a minute to catch on, but when he does, sits straight up so fast that his vision goes a little bit spinny.

“Oh.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Edinburgh, and New York too.

For no particular reason, except that he still wants to kiss him every-fucking-where they go. But he has plenty of reasons not to.

Firstly, they’re working. They have a professional relationship now. It doesn’t outweigh their friendship by any means, but it’s there. It’s important. They’re coworkers.

And simply put, you don’t kiss your coworker. Doesn’t matter that you’ve been in love with him for three years.

They make a living off of being friends and nothing more than that. Any failed attempt at love now wouldn’t just put their friendship on the line, but their livelihood too.

Their life is good. He refuses to be the one to fuck it all up.

Secondly, kissing Phil has been off the table for a while, anyway.

Along with self expression, along with anything else that might hint at him being not-straight with a gay-as-hell crush on his best friend.

Not just off the table, even. More like fully out of the question. More like aggressively denied.

Some fans love him for it, lots of them hate him for it. He hates himself for it.

He doesn't really care. He only hopes that Phil doesn’t hate him for it.

He wanted to kiss him in Edinburgh, and New York too.

But he didn’t.

***

Trying to get their bearings and retrace their steps back to wherever the hell they’d come from is by far the least fun part of their night. In fact, it’s not fun at all.

Phil worries his bottom lip between his teeth when they pace across the field in what might or might not be the direction they came from. Dan drags his hands over his sweaty scalp and tugs lightly at his hair that’s almost certainly started to curl around the edges.

“I’m sorry, Dan.” Phil sighs after a while, copying Dan and anxiously fixing his own hair. “I really shouldn’t have made us come out tonight, you were right about getting lost.”

Dan frowns when he notes that Phil seems, well… genuinely upset. This has kind of been the most fun he’s had in… a pretty long time. He doesn’t like the idea of Phil regretting it, much less feeling guilty.

“Hey, I went along with it.” He insists. “It’s my fault too. We just need to… fuck, I don’t know, but this is the direction we came from, right? I’m almost positive.”

Phil stops abruptly. “It’s not.” He says quietly after a moment’s pause. “But… oh my God, look.”

Dan follows his gaze and feels his eyes widen when he sees just what Phil’s looking at.

“Holy shit.” He whispers. “Are we gonna…?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Cyprus.

It’s hard for him not to think about it around Bryony and Wirrow, because with them around it feels like a full-on couples vacation.

Which would be the cringiest middle-class white people thing they’ve probably ever done, if that were actually the case. It’s not, though. It’s not a couples vacation; it’s a couple vacationing with their two lanky, emo, painfully single best mates.

Still, his heart flutters when he watches Phil sip down his colorful, sugary cocktail at dinner, the sunset casting angular shadows over his face. Feels nothing but adoration watching him flail in an unsuccessful attempt to swat away the gigantic, pesky Cypriot bugs.

And to no one’s surprise, especially his own, he does nothing to act on it. Doesn’t even entertain it as a real possibility anymore. It hurts. But it's just a pipe dream now.

He wanted to kiss him in Cyprus.

But he didn’t.

***

Cherry blossoms at night might be the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

Dan fancies himself a bit of a philosopher. Whether or not that notion actually holds any merit is a different story. Still, he’d like to think that all his hours spent facedown in his bed, at his desk, and mostly on the floor haven’t all been for nothing. He’d like to think that he’s formed some sort of coherent opinion on life - why he’s here, what he’s living for, what it all means in the grand scheme of things.

Really, he hasn’t. He waffles too much, he overthinks, and before he knows it he’s back to square one. But he’s learned a couple of things.

First and foremost, that sometimes it’s easier to think in metaphors, as long as they aren’t painfully contrived. Metaphors break things down into simpler terms, put things in perspective.

Cherry blossoms, he read somewhere at some point, are a metaphor. They bloom bright and beautiful when the time is right, and then two weeks later, all too soon, they fall to the ground. Much like existence, they are transient. Fragile. Gone possibly before you can find the time, the perspective, to marvel at them properly. But their fleeting nature doesn’t make them less beautiful when they’re in bloom. Far from it; they’re precious while they last.

Life, from the wholly optimistic perspective he rarely sees, can be the same.

But funnily enough, he’s not actually thinking of that right now.

He’s not actually thinking of much at all.

It’s hard to think, surrounded by so much light.

“I can’t believe we never knew about this.” Phil mumbles from beside him. He’s got his head turned up towards the tree that’s casting its soft pink glow down over and around them. “I totally would’ve forced you to get lost with me sooner.”

He’d almost forgotten not wanting to come out tonight in the first place. I’m glad you forced me out. He wants to say. I’m glad that I’m here with you. But when he turns to his side, Phil’s not standing next to him anymore.

Before he can even panic or call out to him, he spots Phil up ahead just a bit, ambling along among some of the trees that lead down to a nearby river. He’s looking up still, clearly caught up in the ethereal view - seeing the trees lit up, seemingly on their own in the dark, does look kind of like magic. They could be checkpoints in a fantasy rpg, Phil would probably say. Or something of the sort - Dan can always ask him later what’s going on in his mind. Something interesting and strange, he's sure, because Phil’s like that.

He shoves his hands into his pockets and walks up ahead himself, following Phil from a few feet behind. He has a tendency to lose Phil like this - on the street, in parks, in train stations, when he’s zoned out in his own private Phil world. It’s either endearing or incredibly frustrating, depending on the situation. Right now, it’s definitely endearing.

And it's always kind of funny to see how and when Phil comes back to reality, how he fumbles to regain his bearings and is always startled at himself for having spaced out so long.

Well, this time it’s actually not very long. Phil’s only been walking for about a minute before he trips, stumbling forward a few steps, then righting himself and turning his head to the side, confused. Dan knows it’s because Phil was assuming Dan to be next to him this entire time.

“Smooth.” He remarks with a snicker, coming up on Phil’s other side. “That’s what happens when you’re staring at the trees and not watching where you’re going.”

Phil turns with a startled jump before his face falls into a frown. “You were supposed to be next to me!” He complains. “You could’ve warned me I was about to trip on something.”

“You tripped over nothing.” Dan remarks when he looks down at the ground and sees nothing in the immediate vicinity that Phil could’ve tripped on. “Double smooth.”

“I hate you.” Phil grumbles. “And you’ve got petals in your hair.”

Dan’s cheeks heat up against his will when Phil reaches up and plucks them out. They heat up even more when he smooths his hair back into place for him. They’re on fire when Phil’s hand lingers for a second before he drops it back down to his side, resuming his walking with Dan actually next to him this time.

“The trees don’t even look real, right?” Phil asks, glancing up at them again, briefly and with much more caution this time. “I feel like some NPC from a fantasy game should be living inside.”

Dan has to bite back a grin. Okay, an NPC, not a checkpoint, but still. That psychic connection that their audience, friends and family accuse them of having really is uncanny at times.

“I could see that.”

They stop walking when they reach the edge of the river. There’s a bridge about 20 feet away from them that crosses over and leads to more cherry blossom trees on the other side, but they stay put, watching the lanterns that float along in the water.

When he looks at Phil, he sees the river reflected in his eyes and the warm pink light shining behind him and realizes that actually, the cherry blossoms are only the second prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

He feels something click into place.

“Phil.” He sighs.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing now besides chasing whatever feeling, whatever tug, whatever heat, whatever rush of courage he’s got washing over him, cementing his resolve. Whether he likes it or not, he’s not backing out this time.

There’s a storm of emotion looming very close in the distance. It’ll remain unnamed and indiscernible until he reaches his outcome here. Right now it’s only adrenaline, his racing heart and sweaty palms tell him as much.

He swallows down the lump in his throat.

“Phil.” He repeats in a slightly steadier tone of voice. “I need to tell you something, I—”

He turns to Phil and immediately can’t finish his sentence. He’s cut off when Phil’s lips are suddenly pressed against his own.

He freezes, his mouth slack and his arms hanging dumbly at his sides while his brain races to catch up with what the fuck is actually happening. Phil’s kissing him. Phil’s right here, right in front of him, he’s cupping his face and kissing him.

The delayed realization hits him like a freight train. His eyes slip shut and suddenly he’s a live wire, hot and electric from his head down to the tips of his toes and his inner voice screams KISS HIM, KISS HIM, KISS HIM BACK YOU IDIOT.

Phil pulls away before he can and Dan can’t breathe. He can’t even bring himself to open his eyes until a few seconds later. He waits for his vision to refocus and then locks eyes with Phil.

Phil’s taken several steps back from him, eyes wide and his expression utterly terrified, color drained out of his cheeks and both hands clasped tightly over his mouth.

“Oh my god, Dan.” His voice is muffled by his hands but Dan can still hear how shaky it is. “I’m so sorry, I’m— I shouldn’t have— I don’t know what—”

Phil, he realizes, is apologizing. Apologizing for kissing him. He feels his heart plunge all the way down to his feet and back up because Phil’s apologizing for kissing him and that’s fully unacceptable. His body feels like it’s running on autopilot when he surges forward, tugging Phil’s hands away from his mouth and just barely registering the desperation in his eyes before he grabs his face and kisses him again.

He kisses him hard and Phil’s reaction speed is far better than Dan’s because he kisses him back immediately, heated and urgent and impassioned.

They break apart technically sooner than Dan would like, but as far as he’s concerned, they now have more pressing matters to attend to.

“Phil.” He rasps, knowing that his pupils are surely blown as big and dark as Phil’s when he looks into them. “We need to get back to the hotel. Right fucking now.”

In the end, it's a matter of swallowing their pride and stumbling through a half-coherent conversation with a very patient park-goer, who does eventually understand what the hell they're trying to say and points them in the right direction.

Actually getting back to the hotel is a blur.

What's not a blur is the fact that Phil's mouth is on his again before the door's even closed behind him. That’s when everything turns crystal clear. His whole body’s on fire when they fall in a mess of tangled limbs onto the bed, kicking off shoes and wrestling each other out of clothes.

He straddles Phil once they’re both down to just their pants, their bodies pressing tight together when he leans down and slots their mouths together again

It's not quite the tender, romantic confession that Dan had been planning on.

But it turns out that he’s just as fine with words and half-sentences spoken in haste when they’re panting hot and heavy against each other’s mouths.

Phil scratches his nails lightly down Dan’s back and Dan tells him he wants him, wants him so bad. Phil flips them over and presses him into the mattress and latches his mouth onto the warm, sensitive skin of Dan’s neck and murmurs between hot open mouthed kisses all over that he wants him too, so so much, that he’s wanted this forever, since before they even met.

Dan feels like he could cry.

But he settles instead for an obscene moan when Phil kisses him roughly and slots their legs together and grinds his hips down and Dan notices that he’s just as painfully hard as him.

“Phil, please.” He whispers into one more kiss before Phil latches onto his neck again. Phil really doesn’t hold back, nipping and sucking and biting and there’s no way that Dan’s coming out of this without any hickeys but that’s fine. He wants to be marked. He waits for Phil to pull back a bit before reaching down in between them, hastily pushing down both of their waistbands so that Phil’s hard length is rutting against his and his precum smears onto Dan’s belly.

He feels the blood thrumming hot and fast though his veins, up and down his entire body with every hammering heartbeat. All he registers is Phil’s hot breath against his neck and chest and the sound of skin on skin and the white hot sparks of pleasure that start in his groin and travel all the way down to the tips of his fingers and toes.

“I’m… close.” He moans through gritted teeth when he feels his balls drawing up tight, wrapping one leg around Phil’s waist for leverage and meeting each thrust with his own. His squeeze shut and he sees stars and muffles his moan against Phil’s shoulder when he spills hot and fast in between their bodies. Phil’s hips stutter and he follows right after, and Dan kisses him and clings to him while he rides it out and then promptly collapses on top of him.

For a while there are no words. Just slow, deep breaths and tiny kisses pressed into any available bit of salty skin before Phil finally finds the strength to roll off to the side and halfheartedly clean them both up with the corner of the bedsheet.

They lay side by side, flat on their backs, chests flushed and bodies shimmering with a thin gleam of sweat and then at the same time, turn their heads to face each other and burst into disbelieving laughter.

“Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ.” Dan manages, tucking his body up against Phil’s side and laying his head on his shoulder. “We actually just did that.”

“We did.” Phil sighs, and reaches over to grab Dan’s hand resting on his chest and lace their fingers together. “We should, uh. Probably talk.”

“In a minute.” Dan whispers.

When they do get to talking, the words exchanged are balm to a burn that’s been scarring Dan’s soul for so many years, for far too long. They talk late into the night, confessions and jokes and apologies and every way of saying I love you without actually speaking the three words, until they both can’t keep their eyes open any more.

They fall asleep tangled up in each other. For the first time in six years, Dan finally rests easy.

“Don’t wanna go home.” Dan mumbles, stretched out on his belly with his face mushed into his pillow the next morning. The sun streaming in from between the curtains is an unwelcome presence as far as he’s concerned. Phil runs his fingers lightly up and down Dan’s spine, pauses to rub between his shoulderblades, and taps on his cheek until Dan turns his head and lets himself be kissed.

“I know.” Phil sighs, burrowing closer and nudging his nose against Dan’s. “Me neither.”

It seems unfair, really, that they’re being pushed right back into their everyday grind when they’ve only just made such an amazing, dream-come-true level discovery. They need to go back to England, go back to work. And going back to work means… well, hiding in the closet. The idea of it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

“Nothing has to change.” Phil tells him, as if he’s read Dan’s mind. “I want you back home just as much as I want you here. We’ll…” He sighs, because he surely knows they’re not in for an easy ride. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I’ll do whatever if you will too.”

“I’ll do whatever.” Dan answers without hesitation, melting into the warm kiss that Phil presses against his mouth. “Definitely.”

Hours later, he falls asleep next to Phil on the plane, letting his head rest against his shoulder with a final, half-conscious thought that sends a burst of warmth blooming throughout his chest.

He wanted to kiss him in Japan.

So he did.

this fic was prompted/inspired by lost in japan by shawn mendes.

also if you don't know what nighttime cherry blossom viewing looks like, look here because it's very very pretty and you can imagine how it might inspire one to finally kiss their crush of 6 years (inspo for the trees in this fic drawn mainly from #3 on the list)

thanks for reading!

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #fics #*#*100

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timelock97 · 5 years ago

Text

Time Never Stops

Chapter One: Always Interrupting

Word Count: 1763

Prologue

Warnings: Language, fluff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Present Day]

I enter my newly furnished recording studio with a water bottle in one hand and a plate with a sandwich on it in the other. I set the plate down and reach under my desk to start my computer for today's events. While I wait, I spin around in my swivel chair and look at the room. The black and green padding on the walls were set in a diagonal pattern, and a white board with this weeks schedule placed in between some of the padding. Two bookshelves sit nestled against the back wall on either side of the door; the shelves are covered in merch, fan gifts, and several pictures of friends and me. Most of the pictures had been of Tom and I throughout the years, my favorite of the bunch sitting beside my monitor on my desk. His arm is around my waist while he stands behind me, donning a pair of black swim trunks, smiling into the side of my face as I laugh in a black and white checkered bikini. We are standing in the ocean, vacationing in Hilton Head, South Carolina, when we were seventeen.

Tom Holland, my best friend for as long as I can remember, and long time crush. Gotta love that the one person that knows you the best, happens to be the one that you fall for so easily. I didn't know if it was his sunshine smile, the infectious laugh, or the fact that he knows me better than I know myself; but, he is the one person I wish nothing more to have at my side for the rest of my life. However, it isn't that simple. With him being busy with his acting career and me being busy with YouTube, we hadn't had much time to spend together, not that it would have changed anything. Tom is my best friend, and that was that. I just have to be happy that he is still in my life after all these years, and hadn't lost contact while we went from immature teens to slightly more mature adults.

I smiled when my computer finally loads. I log on and set up my software before I clap my hands together, testing the frequency of the mic. I set up the game, placing my headphones over my beanie covered hair, and check to make sure that everything is running smoothly before I click record on the second monitor. I smile at the camera and begin my intro, "What's up, guys? You're on with Timelock! And today, as you can already tell, we are playing Detroit: Become Human. I have been beyond excited to play this game for the past three weeks, but of course since I was away in the UK visiting with Dan and Phil doing some fun videos and joining Sean, aka Jacksepticeye, and Mark, aka Markiplier, for a charity livestream kept me from starting the game. Which reminds me, I cannot believe how well we did on the livestream and I wanted to thank everyone who watched and participated with us across all platforms. You guys are amazing. Now going back to the game, Sean said that it is worth the wait, so without anymore interruptions, I hope, let's get started!"

"Holy shit, so that's what happened to Kara." I breathe as I move the character from Alice's room down to the first floor. I glance up at the next activity for the character, "See Todd for further instructions." I let out a gasp as I watch the scene unfold in front of me, watching as Todd yells at his daughter and frighten her. "Shit, I thought that was going to end badly, I mean, it could have. This game is already super interesting, now I know why everyone has been talking this game up! But, guys, the clock is ticking! Thank you so much for watching, and if you enjoyed the video, don't forget to give that like button a little bit of love. And I will see you, in the next one! Time-" I jump as my phone begins to blare the old Spider-Man theme song from inside my desk. I glance at the drawer and pull it out to see a picture of Tom sticking his middle finger up his nose, his name place directly over his face. I roll my eyes and look back at the camera. "I said there would be no interruptions, I stand corrected." I answer the phone, "Hold up thirty seconds, I'm saying my outro."

Tom's laugh echoes through the receiver, "Okay, okay."

"Let's try this again. Time resume." I point at the screen for a few seconds before I end the recording and place my phone back against my ear. "You really have impeccable timing. What is this, the sixth time in the past two weeks?"

"Sorry, love, figured you would be done by now." He chuckled, "And I miss you."

"I miss you too, Thomas." I smile, grabbing my camera so I can begin uploading the recording to my editing software. "How's filming?"

"Good, good," he pauses, shifting in the background. "We actually finished yesterday and are going to be heading out to start promoting the movie, then I am off to start filming for the newest Avengers movie."

"Ooh," I enthuse, plugging in my camera and shifting to save and close out of the game, "That sounds amazing, Tom." I sigh, happy to hear that he was doing well after long months of filming, advertising, repeating. "But it also sounds exhausting."

"Honestly, it is," he sighs. "How was London and Brighton? My mum said you visited and Harrison was sending me snapchats of you at the flat."

"It was really nice. Actually, Harrison decided, even though I discussed it with him a month previous, that he did not want to let me stay. However, Tessa pushed past him into the hallway when she heard me." I pause my rant as I hear Tom laugh at the statement, "It was an entertaining two weeks in London, and I spend two days with your mum, dad, and brothers. It was nice spending time with them and not having to worry about working." I say, watching the video finally load up into the editing software. "And Brighton was amazing. When you're home, and I can find time to fly out, we have to go and spend a week out there. Its beautiful."

"Sounds like a plan, bug." He sighs.

"I do have to edit, do you wanna Skype so we can continue the conversation?"

"Yeah, I'd love that," he whispered. I quickly pulled up my Skype, after a few minutes, his face popped up into my screen.

"Hey! Its my favorite boy!" I yell, throwing my hands over my head. I watched as Tom's smile fades as he looks behind me with knitted eyebrows. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"That's not your normal studio, is it?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"Oh, I thought I told you the good news?" I said rolling backwards so that I was in the middle of my recording studio, "I got the apartment!" I looked at him in excitement, but I noticed he wasn't smiling. "What's wrong? I thought you would be happy."

"I- I am, I just," he runs his hand through his hair, "God, I've missed so much by being gone all the time."

"Tom..." I murmur, "Hey, it's okay. What you're doing is just as important-"

"But, it's your first flat," he whispers, "I was going to come and help you unpack, make sure that your first night wasn't spent alone," he pouts at me, but I can see the small smile on his lips at the promise he made me years ago.

"I didn't spend it alone! I made a girls night out of it! I had Izzy, Haley, and Mia spend the night with me and it was a lot of fun. I know you wanted it to be you, but when you get done with everything I can show you the place." Tom sighs and places his head on his fist. "I know what'll make you feel better, how about I promise next time you are here we marathon all the Marvel movies."

"All the movies?" he teases, his frown disappearing. I nod and he smiles back, "That sounds awesome." He laughs.

I roll back up to my desk to start editing while Tom tells me about some of the more entertaining things that have happened the last few weeks. Another Skype message pops up from JacKyleGameplays, interrupting his rambling. Hey, TL. We and the girls are going to play some prop hunt, wanna join? ~Jac

"What was that?" Tom asks, tilting his head to the side.

"GameSquad wants to play prophunt," I state, getting ready to tell them that I had some things to finish and wouldn't be able to get on today.

"I'll let you go then-"

"No, it's okay, I can stay on." I tell him, looking back at the camera, "We always get interrupted, I can play prophunt any other time. I almost never see you anymore."

"You sure? I don't mind, I can just call later." Even though he says it's fine, I can see in his eyes he really doesn't want me to hang up.

"Nope, I want to talk to you, I can always talk to the GameSquad." I finish sending the message and mute the rest of my chats, "There, no interruptions this time."

"Is it because I am Mr. Always Interrupting?"

"Damn straight," I say giggling, "Now, who out of all the people you have played as is your favorite character? And you can't pick Spider-Man."

"But, I am Spider-Man!"

"No, you are Thomas Stanley Holland!" I shout playfully, making him laugh, "My best friend since two years old, my tiny-toddling husband, knight in shining armor, and the one person that knows me better than I know myself."

He immediately begins to laugh harder, "My Mum sent me that video of us "getting married" last week."

"I asked if she would since we found it. I was hoping it would make you smile."

"It did, my little lovely wife." He sighs, "and my favorite character? Definitely your best friend, because that's the one I get to play for the rest of my life."

A blush creeps up my neck as I look away from the screen, "That's cheesy, and you're only saying it because I said it first!"

"But being your best friend is my favorite thing, you know me more than I know myself."

"I should, I've known you my whole life" I whisper.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," he says with a dopey smile. "Now, what were you recording before I so rudely interrupted?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Comment and reblog! What did you think? Let me know if you want to be tagged. IDK what else I’m supposed to put at the bottom. I’m going to try and post chapters Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday (since I already finished writing it).

@revenantwriting

Chapter Two

#cg writes #tomhollandxyoutuber!reader #bestfriend!tom holland #best friends to lovers #bestfriendstoloversau #dad!tom holland #time never stops

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paradisobound · 5 years ago

Text

World’s Greatest First Love: Chapter 9

Summary: Dan Howell wanted a clean break from his father’s publishing company. It was why he applied for a different company in London: to stop the ridicule of his coworkers for riding on his ‘daddy’s coat tails’. But he wasn’t expecting to suddenly be going from a literature editor, to a graphic novel editor. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to come face first with his first love who broke his heart from when he was a teenager: who just happens to be his new editor-in-chief.

Based on the Anime and Manga “The World’s Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera” aka Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

Rating: Explicit (heed the rating change!)

Word Count: 2.6k (this chapter)

Warnings: Smut

Beta Read by: @phanandpenguins

Updates Every Tuesday 12pm EST and Saturday at 1pm EST

READ ON AO3

Back when Dan was a teenager, he used to have thoughts in his head about what it would be like to spend Christmas with Phil. Sometimes he would sit alone in his room and think about what they would do. Would they exchange gifts? Would they celebrate together?

In the present, Dan is overcome with these thoughts once again as he lays awake lone in his apartment. It’s well past midnight, but his mind hasn’t shut up since the night before when he and Phil...did that. It wasn’t like they progressed any further than kissing, but Dan doesn’t honestly know how they kissed for. All his knows is that when they stopped, his lips were a bit sore and swelled to the touch but...he doesn’t regret it.

Maybe that’s why he’s still up at night.

He doesn’t regret the kissing. At the time, it had felt really right. But it was what Phil had told him after that is making Dan’s head still reel.

Let’s go away for Christmas together.

Dan didn’t give Phil an answer. He just said he’d think about it and then he left for the evening where he stayed awake the entire time worrying about what he had done. At the office yesterday, Phil had told Dan he could book them tickets to the Isle of Man for a getaway. It would just be the two of them.

It didn’t feel right, Dan supposes, to be going away on a getaway with your boss. But he feels like he’s crossed a line by kissing Phil. Yeah, they were both a bit inebriated when it happened but that still doesn’t stop the fact that Dan did want it. He wanted to be kissed by Phil again after all of these years.

He turns on his side and the clock reads close to 2 now. He knows he’ll hate himself in the morning if he doesn’t get some sleep, so he shuts his eyes and tries to fall asleep.

And he does eventually, but his dream comes in the form of him and Phil exchanging Christmas gifts and the cycle begins again.

***

There was nothing Dan hated more than dealing with the printers. Every time he went to them to give them his finished manuscript, they always harped on him for something or another. He’s tried to let it go in one ear and out the other but that doesn’t always happen.

He’s on the way back to the office and can’t wait to get back so he can tell his goodbyes to Phil and then leave for the evening to go home. He has the day off tomorrow and he really cannot wait to spend the day doing absolutely nothing and just relaxing in his apartment.

The elevator doors open up and Dan looks up to see Damien standing directly in front of him. Dan really wanted to roll his eyes but he knew that he couldn’t for the act of civility.

“Didn’t you get Phil’s message?” Damien asks as Dan steps out of the elevator, “He texted you that you could go home as soon as you were done.”

Dan pulls his phone out from his pocket and sure enough, there is a text from Phil telling him to go home.

“Well, still needed to come back and grab my stuff,” Dan says, walking past Damien as Damien walked towards the open elevator doors.

Damien didn’t step onto the elevator though. He turned around and the doors shut behind him as he crossed his arms over the chest and asked, “What are you doing the 24th?”

Dan furrowed his brows, “Christmas eve?” Dan asks.

“No, Phil’s birthday.”

At first, it takes Dan a minute to remember what Damien even means. Surely Phil’s birthday wasn’t the 24th? Then it hits Dan like a ton of bricks and he’s stood there with wide eyes as he looks at Damien who just laughs, “You forgot, didn’t you?” He says.

“I--”

“Well, just wanted to ask what you were doing,” Damien says with a shrug. “Phil doesn’t like his birthday but I thought maybe I would take him out to the bar for the evening and you could tag along.”

Dan feels a bit caught off guard by the invitation but he just nods and flashes a smile, “I’ll consider it.”

Damien doesn’t say anything more, he turns on his heels and pushes the up button on the elevator and steps inside.

Dan takes a moment to process everything before he walks to his desk and gathers his things. He leaves the office feeling a bit off kilter, a bit unsure of what his mind is even thinking. He feels cloudy, a bit weightless.

When he gets on the tube, he pulls his phone out and checks his calendar. It’s then that he realizes the 24th is is in 2 days, he never even noticed it. He has no gifts, no presents or cards for his family. He was never even aware Christmas was this close. His days were blurring together and going by so fast. He’s been at Onyx for nearly three months now and yet, he doesn’t feel like he has.

He shuts his eyes and leans his head back on the window as he lets out a sigh.

***

Dan wakes up the next morning to the insistent ringing of his doorbell from the outside. He looks at his clock and he sees it’s a little after 9, but he was content until sleeping until midday. He didn’t really feel like being awake, much less alive, this early in the morning.

He gets up slowly and walks to his door to see Phil stood there, holding a pair of printed tickets in his hand, “We’re going to Isle of Man,” He says. “I’ve rented us a cottage.”

“Wait what?” Dan says, his brain still waking up and not processing everything that Phil is saying.

“I don’t want to spend Christmas in London...I want to spend Christmas alone with you. So please...come with me to the Isle of Man where we can get away for a bit. Just you and me,” Phil pleads. “We can take the time to catch up.”

“What about work?” Dan asks.

“Onyx closes for the holidays like every other company,” Phil says. “It’ll be okay. No one will question it.”

Dan bites his lip as Phil hands him a printed version of their flight itinerary. He looks down at it for a moment and studies it before looking up, “Okay.”

Phil’s eyes widened and he immediately became excited, “Oh awesome!” He exclaims, “Our flight leaves tomorrow at 8am. But I’ll meet you here before that.”

“Sounds good.”

Phil leaves, not long after and Dan stands on the other side of the door as he contemplates all that he just did. He’ll have to get Phil a gift now, but what do you give an ex-lover? Let alone one that you might be getting feelings for again?

He sits down on the floor and puts his head in his hands as he closes his eyes.

He might have gotten himself into a mess.

Dan got Phil a Studio Ghibli Totoro plushie from a convenience store down the road from his apartment. He texted Phil asking if Phil liked anime, because that’s what Dan likes too and he figured that would make getting him a gift easier. Phil responded that he did and he named specifically this anime so this is what Dan got him.

It’s quite big, but not too big that Dan can’t travel with it. When he packs his overnight duffel bag for the two day trip, he stuffs it into the bottom under his clothing and then packs the rest of his essentials.

He’s feeling a bit nervous now. Now that the bag is packed, he feels like everything is so much more definite. Dan’s is actually going on a trip with Phil and it’s something he’s doing willingly. He honestly never thought he would ever get this opportunity. When he was a teenager, this was all he could think about.

He used to fantasize about spending time with Phil when they got older. He used to think about how they would go on holidays together and they would visit places like Paris and Tokyo and it would be just them, in love. It would be them making memories because as teenagers, they had no way to do that.

Dan finds himself getting emotional when he thinks like that. He used to have such big pipe dreams for him and Phil but they all collapsed so fast around them.

His phone vibrates next to him, and he picks it up and answers it thinking that it was going to be Phil. But his voice stops and his skin pales as he hears the unforgettable voice on the other side.

***

“Are you familiar with the Isle of Man?” Dan asks as he and Phil step out of the cab at the end of the driveway that lead to the cottage.

Phil turned to him and nodded, “When my parents divorced, this is where my mum moved to and I moved here with her as well. She’s not around here anymore, but even if she was, I don’t think I could see her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Phil says with a smile. “We’re going to make new memories on the Isle for me and I’m much happier about that.”

They walks inside the cottage and it’s so small and quaint. But yet, it feels so homey. Dan feels so comfortable being here. The living room is quiet and the kitchen is small. He goes down the hallway to put his stuff in his room when he sees just two doors. He opened the one and its the bathroom. He steps back and furrows his brow and then pushes the next door open and only sees a single king bed.

He turns back around, “Phil...there is only one bedroom.”

Phil steps into the view of the hallway and nods, “Yeah, we’re sharing a room.”

“Why?” Dan questions.

“Because if we’re going to catch up, I figured that we could start by at least sleeping together.”

Dan’s eyes widen and Phil immediately puts his hands up to stop Dan’s thoughts.

“It was also the only cottage that the rental company had at the last minute for the holidays so I took what I could get. But I thought it wouldn’t make a difference.”

Dan just nods and bites his lip as he walks into the room and sets his stuff down on the side of the bed. He sits down on the edge and rubs his hands over his face. When he finally stands up to put his stuff away, Phil walks by and calls, “I’m using the shower,” and Dan wants nothing more than to just curl up.

Most of the places around aren’t open due to it being Christmas Eve so they get their food at a small Tesco in the town centre. They grab some quick food they can heat up and Dan buys Phil a cake and then they make their way back to the cottage.

They sit in the small dining room and Dan leaves momentarily to grab the gift for Phil. He fishes it out of the bottom of his bag and takes a deep breath as he walks out and sees Phil staring at him.

“Happy Birthday,” Dan says, handing him the plushie. Phil takes it in his hands and squishes it against his chest like a child and it makes Dan smile, “Do you like it?”

Phil nods, “I love it! I love Totoro.”

They’re stood in the living room, and Dan feels like the air around them just changed significantly. Phil sets the plushie on the couch behind him and then says, “When I was younger, I used to fantasize about us over the holidays. I used to think about what we do, what gifts we would exchange. I was always really excited for them…”

“...But they never happened.”

Phil nodded and Dan feels his cheeks heat up.

“I used to do that too,” Dan admits. “I used to do that all the time.”

Phil suddenly moves forward and places his hand on Dan’s jaw and connects their lips in a heated kiss. Dan wraps his arms gently around Phil’s neck and lets himself melt into the kiss. For some reason, his body wasn’t telling him to push Phil away, that he was making a mistake.

Instead, he arched his chest closer to Phil and whimpered into the kiss.

They ended up in the bedroom, Dan making quick work of getting his jeans off and slipping them to the floor. He lays down on the bed and let’s Phil hover over him as Phil reaches between them and slips his hand instead of Dan’s boxers.

It’s been so long since they’ve touched each other and Dan will be lying if he says he hasn’t thought about this, hasn’t reminisced of the sex they had when they were younger. They were so inexperienced, so young and dumb but yet it always felt so good.

Phil fishes his cock out and Dan hisses as the cool air of the room touches his skin. He feels so hot all over, and Phil’s skin feels the same way under his touch. Dan kisses him again, letting himself get back into the kiss again as Phil pulls off his shirt and then tugs at Dan’s. They undress all the way and Dan spreads his legs, letting Phil in between them.

Maybe he’ll regret this tomorrow, he’s not entirely sure. But tonight, he feels nothing but want and need. He needs Phil. He wants nothing more than to feel Phil inside of him again.

Phil gets out the lube and a condom wrapper from his bag next to the bed and Dan waits, his chest heaving. Phil maneuvers back so he can get proper access to Dan and Dan finds himself blushing, feeling a bit self-conscious. But then Phil bends down and kisses just below his belly button and that all washes away.

When Phil entered him, it took Dan’s breath away. Phil was a lot bigger than he remembered, but he filled him so well that he really couldn’t do anything but let out a loud moan and a series of whimpers.

Phil hit him in all the right spots and they both didn’t last long, Dan finishing in pearl streaks over his stomach and Phil staggering a bit and finishing inside the condom. When Phil pulls out, Dan lays on his back and lets himself take hold of the situation. He doesn’t have enough time to really gauge what he’s done because Phil removes the spent condom and then immediately snuggles up to Dan, turning Dan on his back so they can cuddle, Dan being the little spoon.

Right before Dan drifts off, he can feel the kisses littering the back of his neck and he hears the faint sound of Phil saying, “I love you” and Dan feels like his heart is simultaneously filling and breaking.

Because Dan got a call from his estranged fiancee the day before, and he’s going to eventually have to Phil about her. But he can’t after what they just did, and he spends the night worrying about this instead of taking in the moment at hand.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fluff #smut #first love fic #princesslexi763fics

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