#it also talks about one of the things I actually walked back on mentally w/nick calling her by her family name rather than her given name

[joshuaalbert]

kissing the person who wrote this article on the mouth so sweetly

[something-tofightfor]

It’s Dangerous To Fall In love V: Certain With Desire

Pairing: Nick Caldwel (Fire Meet Gasoline) x Female Reader

Word Count: 11,123

Rating: N S F W 

Chapter warnings: S M U T. The after effects of being in jail for an extended period of time. 

Blanket warnings for this whole story: Crime, death, blood, injury, violence, abandonment, anger, sadness, mentions of jail/prison time, terminal illness, adultery, mentions of domestic violence and emotional abuse

Summary: Where did Nick go - and what happens when he comes back? Are you able to keep your distance even after admitting so many things to each other - and after he goes a step further in his attempt to apologize for what he’s put you through? 

Author’s note:

I legitimately didn’t even realize that this fifth part was done and ready, so I apologize for the delay... but it’s here now. 

I appreciate all of the comments and interaction on this story so far; it’s been a challenge to write, but I’ve enjoyed it.

Comments and feedback and questions are always appreciated. If you need to catch up before reading chapter 5, you can do that by clicking below. 

It’s Dangerous to Fall In Love Masterlist

As you stared at the closed door, you couldn’t help wondering just how many times Nick was going to walk away from you - and how many times you were going to let him. 

Loving him was one of the most complicated things you’d ever done, but it was also right up there with the most worthwhile. That’s why I can’t let go. Not completely. You wondered if it sounded as pathetic to him as it had to you when you’d told him what you really wanted - the man to kiss you, take you to bed and touch you, to tell you that he still loved you, even if it was a lie. 

Baring those thoughts and emotions to him hadn’t been the plan, but the more you talked, the more time you spent with him, you began to realize that it was possible that Amarillo - and the unofficial ‘end’ of the previous chapter of his life - would be the only time that you could actually say any of it. Before he moves on. Before we go back to whatever normal means for us now. 

You’d danced  around real feelings and emotions in the communication that you had while he was locked up, but doing that was difficult when you were face to face. It was impossible when he was touching you - the casual brush of his fingers or the press of his palm sending a jolt of heat through your body each and every time. 

And now that you knew that he wanted the same things - that he thought the bed was a temptation, too, and that he wasn’t capable of just having sex with you, you didn’t know what to say. You wouldn’t continue to beg; that was beneath you. His explanation for turning you down was solid, and you had no desire to derail whatever progress he’d made when it came to his mental and emotional states while in jail by forcing him to compromise on what he thought was best for himself. But that doesn’t make it easier, and it never will. Standing, you walked back over to your bed and began gathering your things, deciding that while he was gone, the best course of action was a shower. Then I don’t have to get up early and take one tomorrow. He can take his time.

The water was hot, cascading down your chest and over your shoulders as you stood beneath it, and even though you’d intended on using the time to get whatever emotion out that you could, you didn’t cry. You were proud of yourself for admitting the truth to Nick, even if it hurt. He’d told you that he loved you in the first letter, but you hadn’t ever said it back until the situation had forced it - and you hadn’t gone any further until that day, admitting that even though you knew it was stupid, you couldn’t just turn off the way you felt about him. 

You loved Nick Caldwel, and you always would, no matter the outcome of your situation. Forgiving him would take time, but based on the way that the two of you had talked since his release - navigating through difficult conversations and finding ways to explain yourselves without resorting to arguments - you thought it was possible, even if it only mattered to you. But it matters to him, too. Slicking your hair back under the spray of the shower, you took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be trying so hard if it didn’t. 

And Nick was trying. You could see it on his face in every expression he wore, feel it in the way he was holding himself back when you were next to each other. You heard it in the catch of his voice, the wavering of it as he tried to come up with the right thing to say in response to the rapidly changing emotions between you. I have to give him that. I have to … cut him some slack. Not for leaving - not yet - but for the way he was behaving in the present. 

As you began to towel off, you heard the door close and then footsteps on the floor followed by the sound of your name. “I’m in here, Nick. Be right out.” Him coming back wasn’t a shock - he’d said that he would, and he hadn’t taken anything with him. He seemed calm, too. The door hadn’t slammed and he wasn’t stomping around. The man’s voice was even, although slightly cautious when he told you that he was back and to take your time. 

Getting dressed in your pajamas - more shorts and a t-shirt that had seen better days - you checked your phone before heading back into the bedroom, and even though it wasn’t quite midnight, it felt much later. “Bathroom’s yours, Nick. I -” Stopping in your tracks, you cocked your head to one side, eyes on your bed. “What’s… what is that?”

“My options were kind of limited.” He was sitting on the second bed, hands clasped together between his spread knees. “So I …” He stood, pressing his lips together. “I picked from -”

“You got me flowers?” Setting down the dirty clothes and your phone, you leaned over the bed and picked up the cellophane wrapped bundle that was resting on your pillow. “Nick, you -” We had a disagreement and he left to go and buy me… “Thank you.” Lifting them to your nose, you closed your eyes as you inhaled, the scent stronger than you’d thought it would be. “You were the last person … well the last man to buy me flowers.” Glancing up, you met his eyes. “You know my parents get me a bunch every year for my birthday, but aside from that, you were the only one that ever did.” 

He stepped closer, his hands in his pockets. “I don’t know if I have any right to ask you this, especially after what I said right before I left a little while ago, but …” He took a breath, tongue darting out. “I’m not ready to be in any sort of relationship, and I don’t know if you’d want that with me, even though …” Even though I just told you I loved you.  “But I’m gonna be in Mesa for a while, if not … for good again, and I’d like to keep in touch.”

“In touch?” Frowning, you set the flowers back down on your bed and then rounded the foot of it, head moving back and forth in confusion. “You make it sound like as soon as we get back, we aren’t going to … do you think that I’d come here and bring you back and then just … stop speaking to you?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t know what people are going to say, or what you’re gonna feel when it’s not just the two of us, and …” His eyes moved to the wrapped blooms, lingering there before thy met yours again. “I walked out of your life once and I don’t want to do it again, even if it means we only talk over text or on the phone.” Removing one hand, he pointed at the bed. “A sad bunch of flowers from a gas station is a really shitty start to an apology, but it’s still me trying to -”

“Nick, I just begged you to have sex with me, I’m pretty sure that -” He stopped you with a lifted finger, the corners of his lips briefly twisting up and into a smile. 

“There was no begging. You just told me what you wanted. There’s a difference.” There is, I guess. But … “Whatever happens to me in the future, I think … no, I know that I need to fix this as much as I can before I can move on.” Move on? Your eyes widened and he swore under his breath, reaching out with one hand and grabbing your wrist.  “I don’t mean move on from you. I mean move on from … punishing myself for everything.” Oh. Ok, that … “But you’re in my corner right now, so -”

“I never left it.” Inching closer, you wrinkled your nose, Nick’s grip loosening so that he could hold onto your hand. “Well, I mean, I might have vacated it for a couple months while you were gone, but …” He laughed at that and so you did, too, breathing a sigh of relief. “If I gave a shit what people were saying I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have come to Texas to speak on your behalf. I wouldn’t have driven to you in the middle of the night.” Reaching out with the hand that he wasn’t holding, you rested your palm against his cheek. “Thank you for the flowers. Yes we can keep in touch.” His fingers flexed, the man’s focus on you as you took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on you at once, but you asked what I wanted, and -”

“Do you know what I want?” He paused, shifting his shoulders. I have no idea. “I want to go back to that day when you asked me to make you understand what the fuck I was talking about. I want to go back to you telling me that we could put off the wedding for a while if I needed to, and say yes.” He moved closer, his free hand moving from his side to your hip, the man cautiously touching you. “I want to look down at your left hand and see two rings there and then look at mine and see a third.” Fuck, Nick. “I want to take everything I’ve learned in the last two and a half years and go back to before any of it happened and keep it from -” Moving the hand on his face, you pressed two fingers against his lips, head moving from side to side. 

“You can’t do that.” But. “You know what you can do, though?” He didn’t reply, so you continued. “You can use it now. All of it. Losing your dad and deciding to leave and going to Texas and meeting Elena and everything that happened after … because you’ve got your life back now, Nick.” And you’ve got me. “And I want to be in it, in whatever way you’ll let me.” Because I love you. 

He didn’t speak, the man’s eyes locked on yours, but he did pucker his lips briefly, pressing a kiss to your fingers as his other hand tightened on your hip. You pulled your hand free from his and then dropped your other one, encircling him with both arms as you drew him into a hug. He let you - both hands flattening against your back, your mingled breaths and the sound of the air conditioner the only noises in the room. 

Being held by him was just as comforting as it had been earlier - it felt right, and you didn’t want to separate. But I should, otherwise I’ll stand here all night. He said your name, both hands sliding from your back to your waist, pushing you gently away. Yeah? “Being sorry wasn’t the only thing I was talking about when I said I meant it all.” He looked nervous, eyes darting around before he closed them, nodding. When they reopened, you saw Nick there, in a way that you’d been convinced you never would again. “I love you. I never stopped. I don’t think I ever will, and I know that everything I did might make you think otherwise, but …” 

You sucked in a breath, unwilling to believe what he was saying. Because it can’t be true. It can’t … he’s … “Nick…” He swallowed, waiting. “Why didn’t you just … say this before? Over the phone, or -”

“Because I needed to tell you in person. There wasn’t another option. I wanted to look you in the eye when I said it, because I knew it would probably be the last time.” You were still holding each other and you wondered if he could hear the beating of your heart, wondered if he could feel the slight tremble of your fingers as they curled against his back. “It might not mean anything right now, but I need you to know that it’s the truth. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Closing myself off after my dad died. Leaving and not looking back. Elena. Ryan. But calling you that night wasn’t a mistake. And it wasn’t just because I knew your number, or because I -” This is everything that I… that I’ve wanted to hear him say for years.

“I love you too, Nick.” Sliding one hand up the center of his back, you cut him off. “And it’s not just a part of me that does. But you already knew that.” He smiled briefly. “Might not be easy, but between the two of us, I… I think we can -” 

“I’m going to kiss you right now.” He cut you off, the words leaving his mouth in a rush. “If you don’t want me to, then… stop me.” You had no intention of doing that. Nick closed the distance between you slowly, his hands still at your waist, yours pressed to his back - and only when his lips touched yours did you close your eyes, your entire body trembling at the feeling. 

— 

You didn’t pull away from him. 

He told you what his plan was, and you didn’t pull away. Instead, you leaned closer, your entire body shaking as he kissed you - for real - for the first time in more than two and a half years. He didn’t want to push his luck - had no intention of it, but when you sighed against his lips, Nick couldn’t help himself. 

He pulled you closer, your body flush against his, and then looped his arms around you, hands on your back. You were solid to the touch, more real to him than he’d ever hoped you’d be again, and even though you’d hugged multiple times in the previous hours and he’d gone to sleep next to you the previous night, the kiss was different. 

His cheeks were damp when he finally broke the kiss to take a breath, and at first Nick thought you were crying again, but at the slight widening of your eyes and the lifting of one hand, your fingers brushing over tops of his cheeks, Nick realized that he was responsible for the tears, and that they were still tracking down his face. “No reason to cry, Nick.” You smoothed your thumb over his skin, the look in your eyes one of understanding. “I’m right here.” 

He’d cried in the privacy of his room many nights after leaving Arizona, finally letting the emotions wash over him once the gravity of what he’d done had settled in, and after so long, Nick had assumed that he didn’t have more tears to shed. But I was fucking wrong. Just like I was wrong about so many things. “I’m so sorry Calabaza.” Running his hands up and down your back, he shook his head. “So goddamn sorry.”

“Is kissing me really that bad?” Your lips twitched, and he realized that you were trying to lighten the mood. “It made you cry, and you have to apologize? I think -” 

“No.” He leaned in again, pressing his forehead against yours. “No, it’s not bad. Not at all.” His hands moved from your back and to your face, palms dwarfing your jaw as he tilted your head to look into your eyes. Your hand remained on his face, too, thumb stroking over the bare patch on his cheek. “I want to do it again.” He saw the expression on your face change, a fleeting moment of worry passing through your eyes before it was replaced with one of determination and acceptance. 

“I want you to.” He realized then what it was - you weren’t sure that wanting him was the appropriate emotion to feel. I don’t blame her. “Nick, I want you t-” You were still nodding when your lips met for the second time, Nick’s fingers trailing down and over your throat from your jaw, yours sliding back to settle behind his ear like you’d done so many times before. 

If that night was the only night he ever got to kiss you again - if you woke up the following day and decided that it had been a moment of weakness to let him near you physically, that after what he’d done, you couldn’t bring yourself to let him touch you intimately again, Nick would understand. And I’m gonna tell her that.  I’m going to - But before he could pull away from you and speak, he felt you parting your lips, the tip of your tongue gently prodding at the seam of his. What? This… He reacted, though, drawing in a breath through his nose and opening his mouth to you, both hands settled on your shoulders. 

The first tentative stroke of your tongue along his was all Nick needed, his hold on you tightening and a deep sigh straight from the back of his throat audible as he adjusted the tilt of his head to match yours. It was everything he’d wanted for months, despite reminding and trying to convince himself that he didn’t deserve to have you again. 

It took him no time at all to lose himself in your kiss, his mind focused only on how close you were and how your hand tightened in his hair and the way you pressed your body against his, hips rubbing together. He felt his body’s reaction - blood rushing down and settling between his legs along with growing arousal coursing through his veins. If we don’t stop, I’m not gonna be able to hide the fact that I…

You were fresh out of a shower - hair damp, your skin clean and soft, and with another gasp, Nick pushed you away, his chest heaving. “Stop for a second, alright?” He swallowed hard, focused on your face. “We need to talk about something before we get carried away.” You were wary but still nodded, and even though he knew that he needed to, he couldn’t bring himself to stop touching you - or put more than a few inches of space between the two of you. “I didn’t buy condoms when I got your flowers earlier.” He paused. “And that was deliberate.” Nick said your name, trying to ignore the brief flash of disappointment he caught on your face before you forced it neutral. “When… if you and I get to that point again, it’s not going to be here. It’s not going to be in a random, out of state hotel that we’re in because you’re picking me up from jail. And I know what you’re about to say, because I know you; I don’t care if you’re still on the pill or you’ve got an implant or any of that shit. Anything else would be irresponsible as fuck, and -”

“Ok.” You nodded. “I understand.” There was a pause, and you opened your mouth again. “Did you and -” Closing it as quickly as you’d begun to speak, Nick knew what you’d been about to ask him. Did you and Elena use protection? 

The answer was a resounding yes - each and every time - but he knew that he couldn’t tell you that for the same reason you couldn’t bring yourself to ask the full question. He knew that you had with whoever you’d slept with while he was gone; it wasn’t fathomable that you would have done anything else with a short term relationship. But he understood why you would question what had been the case with the other woman. And she shouldn’t fucking have to. “Whatever happens with us, I wanna do right by you this time.” He licked his lips, narrowing his eyes. “And that means that as much as I’d like to drag you into that bed right now, I know it’s better if we don’t.” 

“I am on the pill, Nick.” You raised an eyebrow. “But you’re right. We’ve waited long enough, it shouldn’t… we shouldn’t … not here.” You looked away, eyes landing on the flowers that you’d set down. “I’m going to put those into some water so they make it through the night.” He didn’t say anything as you made your way through the room and grabbed the ice bucket, carrying it over to the sink and filling it halfway. Nick sat down on the end of his bed, watching you and trying to get his heart rate under control. Smart. 

You then walked back to the flowers, picking them up and lifting them to your nose, closing your eyes briefly as you inhaled. You didn’t stop yourself from smiling, and you didn’t keep your eyes off of him as you did it, either - peeking up from over the tops of the bouquet. “You think they’ll last for the whole ride back?” He cleared his throat. “Maybe we can stick the ends into a bottle of water or something, put it in the backseat cupholder?”

“That’s a good idea.” You shrugged, making your way back to your bed and taking a seat on the side closest to him. “I was just thinking about stealing the bucket, but…” That made him laugh and you joined him after a few seconds, reaching up to swipe at the back of your neck. “Nick I need to be honest with you.” About? “It’s taking every single bit of self control I have to not climb onto your lap right now and -” 

“Shit.” He exhaled, closing his eyes. “I shouldn’t have … I should have just…” You protested but Nick spun to face you, head whipping back and forth. “Fuck, I didn’t even -” 

“Why are you constantly apologizing?” You leaned forward, eyes on his face. “I get that you’re sorry, Nick. Of course you are. But you don’t need to apologize for turning me on. You don’t need to apologize for kissing me like that. You don’t need to apologize to me because I can’t keep my body from reacting to finally being touched by you again. What did you think was going to happen?”

“Would have been easier for you if you didn’t react, wouldn’t it?” He shifted, rubbing the top of his knee with one hand. “Or if you hadn’t reacted the way you are. Then you’d know that after all this time, you could finally move on.” 

“If I was going to move on I would have done it already.” You spoke so quietly that he almost didn’t hear you, but when you said his name, it was almost a plea. “We’ve both been calling this closure, but that… I don’t think that’s what this is.” I don’t either. “I love you, Nick. And I’m not sure what that means in the long term, but … it definitely doesn’t mean that I’m not going to react when you touch me or kiss me.” You arched a brow, dropping your eyes briefly. “And if this morning’s any indication, you’re just as into it as -”

“That’s not fair.” He tried to hide his grin, pressing his lips together. “The first fucking morning I’m out, I’m in bed with you, and you expect me not to react?”

“True.” You fidgeted on the bed for a few seconds. “What about just now, when we were kissing?  Did you -” Is she really asking this? 

“Yeah.” He didn’t look away. “If we would have kept going for much longer, I probably would have had to go into the bathroom and take care of it.” You ducked your head at that, Nick unable to hide his smile at the look on your face. “That’s another reason I stopped you. If I’m gonna tell you we can’t sleep together, it makes it a little awkward if I’m doing that with my di-” You interrupted him, lifting your chin to meet his gaze again. 

“We don’t have to have sex for me to “take care of that” for you.” You used your fingers to make air quotes, voice steady. “If… you want.” 

— 

You understood what he was saying and why - the man clearly outlining why he couldn’t and wouldn’t sleep with you, the denial of pleasure that he was forcing on himself when it came to being close to and kissing you. But he doesn’t need to. Not if we both want… The room was silent after your offer, Nick’s brown eyes darker than usual as he stared at you, his full lower lip caught between his teeth in surprise. “Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t like to feel someone else’s -” 

“Why?” He leaned in. “Why should I be the one that gets …” He dug the tips of his fingers into his eyes, swearing as he rubbed them. What? What does he mean? When Nick met your gaze again, there was determination in his eyes. “You gonna let me return the favor?” Tilting his head to one side, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Or is this going to be one of those nights like when you used to get me off and not let me touch you?” You laughed then - you couldn’t help it. 

“You’re the one that keeps stopping us.” Gesturing to yourself, you uncrossed your legs before setting your hands down atop your knees. “Like I said, there’s plenty of ways to -” He stood abruptly, the man’s hands hanging by his sides. “Nick?”

“You’ll tell me the second you want me to stop, right?” He stepped closer and you watched as he curled his fingers into loose fists and then flexed them. “No matter what it is that I’m doing?” 

“Of course.” Your voice little more than a whisper, you looked up at him. “And you’ll do the same?” He nodded, both hands moving back to the front of his body, and you watched as he pressed his thumb down against the tattoo, Nick’s chest rising and falling. “Oh, Nick.” Rising to your feet, you reached for him, taking both of his hands into yours and moving your thumbs over the backs of them, pulling him closer to you. “Talk to me. What’s wrong? If this is going to be an issue for you, we can just -” 

“Would you believe me if I said I was nervous?” He closed his eyes. “Not about what I’m gonna do, but about … you.” Me? Why? “It should have been you all along.” it should have been but it wasn’t. He looked down, watching your joined hands. “And I’m worried that you’re not gonna tell me if you don’t want - ” Don’t do this to yourself. 

“When have I ever been quiet about what I like or don’t like, Nick?” You squeezed his hand and then let go of one, that hand trailing up his chest. “Why would that change now?” When you reached the collar of his shirt, you hooked a finger into it, tugging down. “I’ll answer that for you - it won’t.” The reassurance seemed to help, Nick’s free hand moving to your hip, fingers sliding beneath the hem of your t-shirt before they made contact with your skin. 

You nearly whimpered at the feeling but held it together and held eye contact, nodding. “Alright.” He took a deep breath, squeezing your hand again before he let go, his hand moving along your jaw and urging you closer, the man’s eyelids finally drooping shut as he pressed his mouth to yours. You’d never get sick of kissing him, and certainly wouldn’t ever get over the way it felt to be held by him. How could anyone? 

While you knew that both of you had a lot to work through, you didn’t have to do it that night, and neither did he. We need to focus on this. So you did - holding him close and continuing to kiss him, mouths moving together in a surprisingly familiar way as he slipped his other hand against your opposite hip, rubbing his palms over your sides. When you pulled back, inhaling to fill your burning lungs with oxygen, he only hesitated for a second, hands bunching the fabric of your top between his fingers. “Yeah?” You nodded in agreement and when he began to lift your shirt, you helped by raising your arms over your head, letting him take it completely off of your body. 

You’d thrown on a sports bra after your shower but it covered very little. You didn’t even try to hide your sigh of approval as Nick stared at your body, hands returning to your skin and palming it, the man leaning in and then ducking his head down to kiss your shoulder. “Wait a minute.” You tapped him on the shoulder, the man’s eyes moving up to your face. “You’re a little overdressed. Jeans and a shirt?” Head shaking slowly from side to side, you raised a brow. “Pick one and take it off.” 

Not only did you want to give him the choice, you wanted to see what he’d go for first, and were unsurprised when he reached for the bottom of his shirt, arms crossed over his stomach as he removed it and tossed it to the side, along with yours. Like always, his jeans hung low on his hips, the elastic of his underwear visible above the waistband of them. Jail had slimmed him down somewhat, his arms muscled while his torso was leaner than you’d ever seen it. He had tan lines on his upper arms and neck, but the difference was slight and someone that hadn’t spent so much time looking at his bared skin likely wouldn’t have even noticed. But I do. “You’re staring.” You could hear the teasing tone in his voice and were relieved at the sound, nodding as you held up both hands in mock surrender. 

“You caught me. I guess I didn’t know what to expect, but … fuck, Nick. You’re…” Reaching out, you used one hand to undo the button on his jeans. “Take these off, too. So I can -”

“You first.” He met your eyes again, your name falling off his tongue like a plea. “Let me take care of you first, alright? I know you keep telling me I don’t need to apologize, but -” He stopped, closing his eyes. “Look, it’s gonna take me about three seconds if you touch me with your bare hand, and probably less if you were to use your mouth. I just -”

You laughed - out loud, the sound bursting from your lips and you immediately pulled your hand back as you grinned. “That’s really fair, Nick. I didn’t even think about that. I’m sorry.” It was good that he was being honest - and that he was keeping the mood light, but you knew that eventually you’d both have to take that leap, one of you initiating actual contact with the other. And it has to be him. It has to be me that shows him it’s alright. “I won’t touch you until you tell me to.” Both hands going to your hips, you pushed your shorts down an inch or two and then paused. “But Nick, if you don’t touch me, I think I’m going to -”

He moved forward, hands shooting out to replace yours and when you tumbled backwards onto the bed, bouncing against the mattress, Nick was quick to follow, though he didn’t reach for your chest. Instead, he hooked his fingers in the elastic band of your shorts and tugged them down. Wasting no time, he pulled them off of your legs and dropped them to the ground before he stepped between your knees, leaning down and flattening his hands on either side of your body. “Every single inch.” What? Propped up on your elbows, you stared at him, waiting. “I’m gonna show every single inch of you how much I missed you.” 

“Oh, I -” Taking a deep breath, you arched your back, leaning forward enough to kiss him again. “I like the sound of that.” You felt him smiling against your lips before he moved away from them, his mouth trailing over your cheeks and nose, pressing kisses into the corners of your eyes and then over your forehead. You wanted to touch him, but also didn’t want him to stop so you kept your hands in place, closing your eyes and letting yourself enjoy what was happening. He took his time, and when you felt one of his hands lift from the bed, reaching up to rub his thumb over your lower lip, you sighed, puckering your lips to kiss his skin. He won’t stop me from doing that. 

Nick moved slowly down, lips dragging over the line of your jaw and then, after he’d repositioned his hand behind your head to tilt it back, he kissed the underside of it, his mustache tickling the thin skin. You felt the mattress dip as he raised one knee, the man giving himself a way to balance his weight. Both of his hands moved to your shoulders, fingers stroking your skin while he continued his path down the center of your throat with his lips and tongue. 

He paused again at the base of it, stopping for long enough to press his lips against the dip, followed by his teeth scraping over the surface of your skin, the man moving to the left and following the line of your collarbone. The hands on your arms turned into his knuckles, the sensation vastly different than that of his mouth, and you didn’t know where to focus. 

He helped you decide by biting down on your shoulder and then glancing up, his eyes meeting yours briefly before he went back to what he was doing, Nick’s mouth tracing a slow path down the inside of your arm until he reached your wrist. He lifted your hand then, mouth covering the final inches it took to reach your palm, but instead of lingering there, he used one of his hands to flip yours over, his parted lips landing against your knuckles. No, not knuckles. One specific knuckle. 

He was kissing your ring finger - your left ring finger, and at the realization, you crooked your fingers beneath his chin, choking out his name and asking him to look at you. “Come here. Please.” He was confused for a second, but when you sat up, arms unnecessary to keep you upright, he understood. “I need to kiss you.” Need. Not want, Nick. 

“But I’m -” He blinked, wetting his lips without letting go of your hand. “I -”

“I don’t care. You can go back to it if you want, but… just come here.” He did as you asked, threading his fingers between yours as he sought your mouth once more. It was you that deepened that kiss, the edges of your teeth capturing his lower lip and then pulling on it, the man’s mouth opening as he chased after yours. 

You let him catch you - like you always had. And like I always will. That time, Nick’s kiss was almost desperate, his head cocked to one side as he pressed his lips against yours. You could feel it rolling off of him, and so you moved both hands, too, disentangling your fingers and winding your arms around his shoulders. Testing your luck, you leaned back, dragging him down with you until your back was flat against the mattress, Nick’s bare chest pressed to yours. 

He didn’t let you stay that way for long, inching back and using both of his hands on the mattress to put space between you. “You aren’t playing fair.”

“Do you blame me?” Biting your lip, you shrugged. “Seize the day and all that, right?” He smiled, cheeks rounding out and the dimple appearing on one side of his face. “You can go back to what you were doing now, I’m done kissing you for the moment.” That made him laugh, but it didn’t take long for him to lower his mouth once more after shifting backwards, his kiss landing just above ethe neckline of your bra. “Want me to take that off?” Preparing to raise the top part of your body, you said his name. “It won’t take -”

“I got it.” He smiled, one side of his mouth quirking upward before his lips settled into a more serious expression. “Relax.” You did, eyes on him as he reached for the bottom edge of your bra and pushed it upward, exposing your chest to him after only a few seconds. His eyes went wide, moving so that he could take in the sight of your bared skin - and then, for the first time in longer than you cared to think about - Nick’s breath fanned out over your chest … and was almost immediately followed by his open mouth. 

You cried out as his tongue flicked against the side of one breast, the man wasting no time in licking his way to the peak of it, lips closing around your nipple and then sucking, the pressure making your back bow. Oh, fuck, he… You relaxed again as he took a breath, both hands still on your body as he pushed both breasts together and then descended again, mouth moving eagerly between the two, damp skin left in the wake of his tongue. 

The air conditioning ensured that your nipples remained hard - but even if it had been eighty degrees in the room, his mouth would have done the same thing, the pressure of his lips and teeth sending surges of pleasure throughout your entire body. You could feel that he was itching to continue his journey down the remainder of your torso, though reluctant to remove his mouth from your curves. 

Nick ran his nose along the center of your chest - up and down - and then kissed your skin once more before his lips dropped to your stomach, hands releasing you before they slowly made their way down your ribs. He peppered your stomach with kisses, and you had to bite your lip hard to keep from writhing on the bed as his facial hair tickled your freshly-kissed skin, but Nick’s focus never wavered, the man dipping his tongue against your belly button and then going lower. 

You hadn’t realized it, but he was standing again, bent at the waist as he worked his way even further down, and when you watched him sink to his knees at the edge of the bed, it was your turn for your mouth to drop open. You focused on the man’s face, watching as Nick’s shoulders rose and fell with each breath he took, eyes locked on your body as he leaned back in. When his mouth made contact with the top of your thigh, you gasped, fingers curling to grasp the blanket. How is he able to tease me like this? He has to be so fucking worked up. 

He didn’t linger there, though, kissing his way inward - but Nick skipped over the center of your body and straight to the other leg, his palms on the outsides of your thighs, fingers slipping beneath the backs of them as he pulled your legs further apart. He only glanced up once, the questioning look in his eyes easy to read even though he didn’t speak. Do you want this? He would have gotten up if you’d told him to, would have immediately removed his hands if you’d asked - but you didn’t. 

“Yeah, Nick. I want you.” 

— 

Your permission was all he needed, Nick breaking eye contact and tilting his head down, his focus entirely on what was in front of him. Part of him had wanted to fast track it down your body to bury his tongue inside of you, but he’d forced the slow path instead, giving himself time to calm down and you time to tell him to stop if you wanted to. 

But your response to his mouth and hands had been more than he’d ever hoped for, your body pliant to the touch, breathing changing as he worked his way over your skin. He saw the way your fingers curled, heard the reaction to his lips against your finger, and when you’d pled with him to kiss you, he hadn’t been able to deny you. 

You were letting him back in - at least on a physical level - and Nick was thankful. But he was more thankful that you were an active participant; offering to take your bra off, wanting him to remove his clothes, too, letting him spread your legs as he settled between them. You weren’t just laying there - you wanted him and were making it known. 

He could smell you; sweet and musky, still one of the most alluring things he’d ever encountered. Nick had promised himself that he’d focus, not thinking about what had happened, but for a split second, he wondered why he was getting a second chance with you. Does it matter? He kissed the inside of your thigh, the tip of his nose running along the crease of your leg. No, it doesn’t. Not right now. With another slight turn of his head, Nick’s lips made contact with you - and then he stopped worrying, stopped thinking about everything but you and the way you tasted. 

He used his tongue at first, parting his lips and then extending it as he licked you, his grip on your legs tightening enough that he felt your muscles tense beneath his fingers, but it wasn’t in pain. He heard you cry out, the sound a mix of his name and a strangled moan, and then he felt your hands in his hair, fingers tangling in the strands. You weren’t pushing or guiding him, just holding on, reassuring him that you were there and didn’t want him to stop - and as he retracted his tongue briefly, he smiled against your damp skin, nudging against it with his nose. Good. This is … good. 

You tasted just like he remembered, and as Nick’s tongue began to move again, he lapped at you - focus shifting to covering as much skin with the flat of his tongue as he could with each swipe. You widened the spread of your legs even as you lifted one of them to drape it over his shoulder, the heel of your foot pressed against the center of his back. He kept his hand on that thigh, but pulled the other one away and brought it up between your legs, thumb pulling your skin taut to open you up just a little more. 

He heard you moaning his name again, and though he didn’t stop, Nick glanced up, finding that you’d collapsed back onto the bed, one of your hands leaving his hair and falling to your stomach, fingers splayed. When he dipped his tongue into you, your lower body jerked and Nick hummed, changing the angle of his head at the same time he swiped one thumb over you in light, tight circles, just above where his mouth was. “Fuck, Nick.” Your voice was thin and broken, hips pushing forward, and when Nick pulled away so that he could take a deep - and necessary - breath, he raised his head to look at you again, the motion of his thumb not ceasing. 

You were staring at him with your lips parted and your eyes halfway closed, but when you saw that he was watching, you smiled - a radiant one, your tongue swiping over your lower lip as your bare chest rose and fell. He knew that his mouth and chin were shiny and slick but he still raised his head further, pushing his lips out into an expression that was half pout, half smirk and then winked at you, tightening his fingers around your thigh. 

You gasped and then laid all the way back down, Nick returning his mouth to your body. Sealing his lips over you, he stopped the movement of his thumb and instead slipped a finger into you, your body reacting immediately to the intrusion. He paused - briefly - but when you began to thrust your hips forward, taking his finger even deeper, Nick started to move it, his tongue flicking rapidly against you. I missed this. Missed this so fucking much. 

You started to whine, a hand going back into his hair, and for the next few minutes, the two of you moved in tandem - Nick adding a second finger and lengthening the strokes of his tongue, his other hand still on your leg while you dug your heel into his back, hips jerking as you sought out more. But when he heard you say his name again, the sound low and full of need, he opened his eyes, looking up. 

You’d propped yourself up on one elbow so you could watch, your gaze nearly burning him as your eyes met. “Keep looking at me, Nick. Keep…” His tongue joined his fingers and you squeezed your eyes shut, moaning. That sound. That fucking sound is… He was painfully hard - the material of his jeans uncomfortable even through the underwear he wore, but he was still focused on you and on the way you were reacting to him. “Fuck, Nick, please. I want to -” You hissed, nodding your head as you urged your own legs open even more. He thrust his fingers in deeper, curling them upward as he alternated between licking and sucking on your skin, the suction of his lips accompanied by the occasional gentle scrape of his teeth. You liked that - hips surging forward to drag yourself against his mouth, and Nick fought to keep his eyes open and on you. “Make me come, Nick. Ma-”

Your words stopped as he sped up the motion of his fingers, and you went from simply touching the back of his head to grasping his hair, your fingers tight among the sweat-damp strands. You were close - he hadn’t been with you in a long time, but he’d never forget the tells you had - the way your breath quickened, the quiet “oh” you managed to squeak out, the way your thumb moved independently from your other fingers - tapping rapidly against his scalp… they were all the same, and Nick felt his own heart begin racing at the thought that you were about to tip over the edge - and it was because of him. 

You gasped out his name again, tightening your grip on his hair and then letting go - and then he felt your muscles fluttering around his fingers, your legs tensing as your back arched and your eyes finally closing as your mouth dropped open. That’s fucking… He groaned into you as you came, refusing to remove his mouth, though he changed the way he used it, no longer needing to work you up and instead focusing on prolonging your pleasure. 

When your hips began to shake, he switched from his tongue to his lips, pressing kisses against you as he finally withdrew his fingers, the length of them coated in a pearly white that made his mouth water. Somehow, you moved your leg from his shoulder and pulled your hand away from his hair. When he was free, he rose to his full height - still on his knees - and said your name, taking a long, deep breath. You cracked your eyes open and when he knew you were watching, Nick smiled at you, licking his fingers clean before sticking the tips of them into his mouth and then pulling them free with a pop. 

“Come here, Nick.” You beckoned to him with one hand, still propped up on the other elbow. “Come here and let me -” Turning his head, Nick used the bottom edge of the comforter to wipe the lower half of his face. That done, he crawled up the bed and used one knee to prop himself up above you, the hand that had been on your leg turning your head so that he could kiss the side of your neck. Before, you’d had no issues with him kissing you immediately after he’d used his mouth on you, but he didn’t know if that had changed, and didn’t want to ruin the moment with a denial of his affection. “Hey.” You pushed him away gently, saying his name again. “What’re you doing?” 

“Didn’t know if -” You turned your head back, lips skating over his cheek and then landing on the corner of his mouth, a smile spreading over them. 

“Nothing’s changed.” Your words were a whisper, the hand once again finding his hair. “Kiss me, you idiot.” And he did - hard and deep, the man’s mouth open against yours as your tongues met, nothing held back between you. He let himself rut against you a few times, the contact of his hips against your body making him moan loudly, and he wanted nothing more than to keep going. But I can’t. He allowed himself to kiss you for a few more seconds and then pulled back, eyes closed. I won’t. He was straddling one of your thighs as he knelt on the bed, hands falling to the tops of his knees, and when you looked up at him, there was curiosity in your eyes, along with sadness. “Nick?” 

“You ready to go to bed?” He forced the words out, settling back and resting his weight on his calves. “I’m gonna go and -” You sat all the way up, both hands pulling your bra back into place, the look in your eyes almost hard. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Reaching out, you took his face between your hands. “I know we’re not going to -” 

“Tonight’s not about me, Calabaza, it’s about you.” He kissed one palm, shrugging. “I’ll just go into the bathroom and -”

“No, you won’t.” You raised the leg that was between his, your thigh pressing against the seam of his jeans, and he forced himself not to react. “I’m right here, Nick. I want -” 

“I don’t deserve to have you anywhere near m-” You surprised him then, leaning forward and kissing him to stop his speech. He let you, the kiss lasting for long seconds, and when you pulled away, your eyes were shining. 

“That doesn’t matter tonight, alright?” You pushed his hair back and over his ear, swallowing hard. “After everything that we’ve been through, we deserve something good.” You paused. “You deserve something good. And if I’m saying that, then it has to be true.” Stunned, all he could do was stare at you, trying to figure out how to reply. I don’t know that I agree, but … “Let me take care of you, Nick. Please?”

A stronger man would have told you no. A better man would have firmly repeated that he could take care of things by himself, the same way he’d been doing it the entire time he was in jail. A decent man would have reminded you of what he’d done to you, and how he’d ruined everything. 

But instead of doing any of those things, Nick nodded twice, moving to the side and kneeling next to you before he lowered himself onto his back on the mattress, one arm wrapped around your body to take you with him.

— 

You’d known something was up when he hesitated with removing his jeans earlier, but you’d let it slide. And even in your post-orgasmic haze, you’d felt that he was holding himself back when he kissed you after getting back into the bed. But for the man to outright deny you the opportunity to get him off was a shock, and there was no way you were going to let it happen. No way. 

As he pulled you down on top of him, the look in Nick’s eyes changed again - apprehension still there but joined with a look of contentment. Good, that’s how it should be. Any other night, you would have taken your time with him and teased the man, the same way that he’d done with you, but Nick had waited long enough. He’ll enjoy it just as much, you rationalized as you kissed him once more, the palms of your hands flat on the mattress to support your weight. “Don’t think about it, Nick.” Murmuring the words into his ear, you pulled back so that you could look into his eyes. “Just relax.” He nodded once and you shifted off of him, hands moving so that you could undo his jeans - first the button and then the zipper, Nick’s hips lifting from the bed and allowing you to pull them down. When they were below his knees, he kicked them off, freeing both legs, and then settled back against the bed, waiting. 

You ran a hand down his chest and over his stomach, the heel of your hand making contact with his bulge, which was still encased in dark gray material. He groaned at the touch, continuing to make noise as your heel turned into your fingers, two of them stroking down and over him before running back up. His hips jerked, even though you weren’t touching skin, Nick’s hands gripping the blankets beneath him so hard you thought they might tear. “Can I… Can I touch y-” 

“Yes.” You squeezed him through his underwear as you replied, eyes flicking back up from  where your hand was and locking with his. “Fuck yes, Nick.” He only used one hand to do so, his fingers releasing the blanket and sliding across it until they could link with yours, both hands resting next to his hip. You slipped your fingers into the slit of his underwear, undoing the tiny button, and when you touched him for the first time, he hissed, back arching and his hips rising so that he could thrust himself into your hand. Yes. Just like that. Just like … Humming in approval, you wrapped your fingers around him and then pulled him free, not letting go as what you held came into view. 

You couldn’t take your eyes off of him - the man warm and firm in your hand - and after giving him a few slow, tentative strokes, you swiped your thumb over his tip, gathering the moisture there and spreading it. He was wrong. It’s been more than three seconds. Dragging your hand up and down again, you took a breath and then leaned over, continuing the motion of your hand as you kissed his abdomen. Following the trail of thin, wiry hair down from below his navel, you paused at the base of him, giving Nick a chance to tell you to stop. But when he didn’t - the man’s hips thrusting upward again, you turned your head and licked your lips, the tip of your tongue meeting his skin briefly, too. He yelped your name, his other hand finally moving to touch you, and at the pressure of it against the back of your head, you reacted, opening your mouth and running your lips against him - below where your hand was still working.

He groaned, the sound muffled from between his lips, which were pressed together. When you pulled your hand free from his, dragging the edges of your nails along the side of his thigh and then up and over the top,  Nick brought that newly freed hand up and bit down on the meat of it, further muffling his reactions. Oh, he… he had to when he was … You stopped immediately, keeping your fingers wrapped around him, and lifted your head. “Nick.” He opened his eyes, meeting yours, the look in them almost desperate. “Let me hear you.” Flipping your hand over and using your knuckles against his leg, you nodded. “It’s OK, Nick. You don’t have to be quiet anymore.” 

His eyes widened but he nodded, dropping his hand from his mouth and keeping his lips parted, the man’s breath coming out in quick pants. “Please, you…” He groaned as you stroked him again, wrist twisting a little when you reached the base. “Oh, fuck, that feels good.” You’d never heard him sound so needy, and when you lowered your head again, tongue extended, you heard him say your name, the end of it sharply cut off as you licked his skin, the plush feel of him against your tongue snapping you back to when you’d been together, your own eyes squeezing shut as you let out a low whine. “Calabaza, I -” 

That was all you could stand, dragging your tongue over his slit and then closing your lips around his head, taking him into your mouth with a low hum of pleasure. His reaction let you know that he could feel the vibration of your throat, Nick’s entire body shivering as he fell all the way back and laid against the mattress. 

Your hand and mouth moved together, fingers covering what you couldn’t take between your lips, and even though you tried to lose yourself in what you were doing, you couldn’t let go completely. Instead, you kept an ear out for changes in his breathing, tried to focus on the movement of his body and the tensing of his muscles in an attempt to ensure that you knew at least a few seconds before he was going to come. And he wasn’t quiet, the man’s breathing punctuated by gasps and grunts, quiet repetitions of “oh, fuck” and “shit” reaching your ears and putting a smile on your face, even though none of it changed your rhythm. 

He surprised you, though, his hips jerking upward and forcing more of himself into your mouth, your grip loosening as he hit the back of your throat. You gagged, pulling off of him with a surprised cough. Ow. He hadn’t done it on purpose, but Nick called out your name, both hands pushing against the bed as he struggled to sit up. “I didn’t mean t-” He looked worried, and you were quick to wave him off, hand still wrapped around him, your skin and his slick from your mouth.

“It happens.” You looked down and then back into his eyes, continuing to take steady, deep breaths. “You ok, Nick?” The apology still on the tip of his tongue, he nodded twice, lip curling when you dragged your thumb over his tip again. “Good.” Adjusting the position of your knees, you leaned forward, pressing your lips against the inside of one thigh. Before you got the chance to take him back into your mouth, Nick said your name quietly, one of his hands moving to cover the one you still had wrapped around him. “Hmm?”

He didn’t say anything, just tightened his hand over yours and nodded, urging you to move again with a single flex of his wrist. I can do that. The two of you worked together - the pressure of Nick’s hand guiding yours, the rest of him sliding against your tongue with every dip of your head. With him helping you, you knew it wouldn’t take him long to tip over the edge - and that was confirmed barely a minute later when Nick squeezed your hand, a long, low grunt following. 

“Gotta stop. Gotta stop unless you -” He hissed when you didn’t halt your movement, giving him a tiny shake of your head and twisting your wrist as much as you possibly could under his grip. “Shit. Shit, Cala… shit.” He was panting as you increased the speed of your mouth - continuing to work him over, tongue flat against the underside of him and flicking against every bit of skin it could reach. 

You wanted him to come - wanted him to fill your mouth, wanted to hear him say your name the same breathless way that had echoed in your mind in the months that you’d been apart. Only a few seconds later, you got your wish, his muscles tensing and then jerking beneath your touch, hips stuttering at the same time his grip on your hand tightened further. You squeezed his thigh, moaning as you got a taste of him. When you pulled back enough so that you could actually swallow, you felt him shudder again, the man saying your name with reverence as his hips continued to move. 

His hand fell away from yours and you confirmed with a quick glance upward that it moved to rest against his stomach. The man’s bent fingers twitched as you continued to suck, your lips sealed around him. Releasing him with a quiet pop, you took a breath, opening your eyes before you returned your mouth to his skin, tongue darting out to finish cleaning him up. But Nick didn’t let you, both of his hands rising and moving to your shoulders, fingers curling as he urged you back up toward the top of his body. 

You let him pull you, adjusting the position of your legs so that you didn’t accidentally hit him with either of your knees. When you finally got eyes on his face, you could see that he was smiling - the man’s expression totally relaxed for the first time in as long as you could remember. “Hey, you.” He spoke first, clearing his throat. “Get up here.” You did, stretching out on your side but leaning over so that you could nudge his nose with yours, eyes closing again before you pressed your lips to his mouth. Nick’s hands began to roam over your back, but both of you kept quiet, catching your breaths and steadying yourselves. 

Pulling away, you settled your head against the pillow and then bent one knee, lifting it and laying it over his leg. Nick’s hand dropped to your waist, urging you closer so that your entire front was pressed to his side, and for long moments, both of you just laid there, neither of you wanting to break the silence. But one of us has to. When the rise and fall of his chest was even, you cleared your throat quietly, the palm of your hand resting against his chest. “One of us has to get up and turn the light off.” You mumbled the words, eyes drooping shut. “Plug my phone in so the alarm goes off, too.” 

But still, you didn’t move, the steady beat of his heart beneath your palm lulling you to the edge of sleep. This is how it should be all the time. You had the thought before you could stop it, head turning enough so that you could kiss the front of his shoulder, but then Nick moved, the action forcing your eyes open and a sleepy “what?’ from your mouth. 

“Hey, it’s fine. Just stay here, alright?” He spoke quietly, rolling away from you before you could question it, and you racked one eye open, watching to see what he was doing. You followed his movement as he got out of bed, reaching down for his underwear and then heading into the bathroom. You knew that you’d have to get up, too, but you were exhausted, your body still recovering from what the two of you had just done. It hasn’t felt like this for me in … 

You dozed off, waking only when the mattress dipped, Nick leaning over to press a kiss to your cheek, the faint scent of mint reaching your nose. “Hmm?” 

“Do you want to get dressed, or -” He paused, fingertips moving slowly over your temple. “Or sleep like this? I’ll cover you up, and -”

“Wanna sleep with you.” You opened both eyes, head turned so that you could look up at him. “Like this.” He looked uncertain but didn’t tell you no, and when you reluctantly forced yourself into a sitting position, you sighed. “Let me go and…” You yawned, eyes squeezing shut as you covered your mouth with the back of one hand. “Will you be in this bed when I get back out here?” 

There was a long pause, but then he answered, voice hesitant. “Yes.”  When you opened your eyes and saw the look in his, you reached forward, thumb arcing over the line of his jaw slowly. Good. 

“Be right back.” Following his lead and picking up your shorts, you slipped them on before you stood, walking into the bathroom and speeding through your nighttime routine before flipping the main light switch off and heading back to the bed. He’d plugged your phone in, the tiny clock icon at the top letting you know that the alarm was set, but Nick was still sitting upright in the bed, bare-chested, though he had the blankets pooled on his lap. “What’s wrong?” 

“I missed you so much.” He looked up, a pained expression on his face. “And this just … made me remember how much.” Yeah, me too. You climbed in next to him, using both hands to turn his face toward yours. 

“That makes two of us.” Leaning in, you pressed your lips against his, letting them stay there for longer than you’d initially planned to. “We should sleep. Got a long drive tomorrow.” He didn’t argue, and when you both laid down, it was Nick that moved to wrap his arms around you first. He pulled your back against his chest and rested his chin on your shoulder, curling his body around yours under the blanket - the mirror image of the way things had been just before he’d left home years earlier. 

You were almost asleep when he spoke, breathing the words into your ear at the same time his arm tightened around your waist. “Love you.” It woke you up fully, the man freezing behind you, followed by the almost immediate loosening of his arm, a sure sign that he was about to tear himself away from you. No. No, you do not get to do this to yourself. You didn’t even think about it, turning your head toward him and clearing your throat.

“I love you too, Nick.” You sighed, scooting back enough so that you were pressed against him again, heart pounding as you nodded. “It’s ok.” He relaxed without replying, and as you felt his breaths even out again, you finally closed your eyes, too. It has to be.

What had happened that night probably hadn’t been the best idea, but both of you had needed it desperately, even if it was for very different reasons. Nick’s breaths lengthened, and when you were certain that he was sleeping, you allowed yourself to drift again, too. The last thought you had that night was about how difficult a position the two of you were in - and how much the earlier admissions by both of you had likely complicated things.

— 

 tag list coming separately ! 

[blacksunscorpio]

Astro Musings No. 5

Placements Most Prone to Getting Stuck in Abusive Relationships

Are usually people with Venus in Scorpio because of the intensity of how they love and the intensity in which people love them back, Venus in Libra due to their penchant for trying to see the good in those they love. Venus square/opposing Neptune, due to these natives often idealizing those who do not deserve it. Venus in Pisces, due to their savior complexes. People with Moon squaring their Mars’, or Moon conjunct/squaring/opposing their Pluto’s— often they associate pain and intensity of feeling as equatable to love. These are the types of people who feel deeply and often have a hard time entertaining the idea of love unless there is some sort of “suffering” involved.

Many with Moon or Venus squaring Saturn

Can endure the same thing/have the same habits. I’ve found with the latter two the duration of these relationships will last a lot longer. This is because Saturn adds longevity to relationships.

Nessus in aspect to Dejanira in synastry

Can also cause obsession or at its worst, abuse. Sparknotes version of the Greek myth is a wild centaur named Nessus attempted to kidnap and rape Dejanira as he was ferrying her across the river Euenos, but she was rescued by Heracles. If you’ve ever watched Disney’s Hercules, Megara is the Hollywood version of this broad. In regard to synastry Dejanira is the asteroid of the victim, especially sexual, and Nessus indicates the abuser. If this appears in synastry you can be certain two people will have some sort of abuse involved in their relationship or some sort of intense obsession with each other than may not be altogether healthy. Be careful if it aspects [in square or opposition] Sado or Algol. No bueno. If touching Chiron it there will be some sort of lesson involved. Make sure it’s one worth learning. Aspects like these in astrology can be very humbling.

Typically if One Has an Aspect Natally it Will Often Appear in Synastry With Another.

For example, One can have their Sun opposing their moon and often attract people whose moons oppose or square their sun. If one has a Mercury squaring their Pluto, they may attract someone whos Pluto square’s their Mercury. You can often always trace a synastry aspect back to one or the other person’s natal chart.

People with Venus Conjunct Lilith

Will have enormous sex appeal. Their basic femininity will be in touch with their wild femininity. If in the 10th house, they may make a career out of it. Become models or make money off their figures. One of my best friends is a porn star and has this aspect. Her ‘Only Fans’ is poppin’.

People with Sagittarius 5th houses

Can/will adopt children from other countries or have children in countries other than their native land. Angelina Jolie’s 5th house is in Sagittarius and her whole brood save for 3 are of different ethnicities.  People with the same rising sign as you often deal with many of the same issues as you and therefore, can be easier to have friendships/relationships with. This is typically because two people will have the same houses/house sign cusps.

Placements That Make One Lucky

Are often strong Jupiter placements. Jupiter rules fortune and is in general a benefic planet. Wherever he touches will show growth or excess of energy. It is best when he is working harmoniously. So, Jupiter trining/conjunct/sextiling inner planets or Jupiter trining the north node. Jupiter as the most elevated planet is a good indicator of someone who often gets lucky in the nick of time. Luck often comes through at the clutch for these folks.  Asteroid Fortuna, Fama, or Abundantia making harmonious/conjunctions to planets like Jupiter, the Sun, or the Moon. The Sun in the 10th house is a good indicator of someone lucky in their career. Asteroid Karma No. 3811 in favorable aspect to inner planets, and/or Asteroid Talent No. 33154 in favorable aspect to inner planets or in benefic houses.

A good place to look to see determine someone’s physical features is often their Sun, Rising, Dominant planet, or Midheaven.

Yes, I know, not very exciting but I keep telling you guys to stop ignoring your Sun. It is the most powerful Planet in your chart. However, if we were to look beyond the Sun, Your rising sign is your face. Someone with a Scorpio rising will inevitably have some sort of intensity to them. 9 times out of 10, it has something to do with their eyes. The Midheaven will also show you a bit more, usually how a person carries themselves. I often find those with Virgo or Venus Midheavens [women] are very good in heels. Good with structured walking. Men will often have model-esque walks as well. Attention grabbers. Same with those with Capricorn MC’s. Neptune MC’s have a bit of a “swagger to their walk” like they’re swimming through air. Gemini MC’s are often very light on their feet. Aries MC’s walk in a very militaristic way. Straight backed. Authoritarian. George W. Bush has an Aries MC and walks in such a way.

Psychic connections in Synastry [Platonic or Romantic]

Are usually 12th house, 8th house, 1st house, or 9th house placements/Overlays. Aspect-wise typically Moon to the lunar nodes, Uranus to the Nodes or Moon, Vertex to nodes, PLUTO, or NEPTUNE to Mercury. Mercury to Moon, Mercury to Uranus, or Neptune. These are all highly psychic points. Having these placements in synastry/overlay will usually indicate dreaming of the other person, prophetic dreams [especially if 9th house or Jupiter is involved] Knowing what the other person is thinking or gut hunches about the person’s well being. If in harmonious aspect these will make you feel closer to the person or bolster feelings of affection. In hard aspect, it can cause obsession or the other person may feel as if they are “haunting” you. Trust me.

A Singleton Planet

is a planet posited in the only sign or house of its type [element, mode, or orientation]. For example, if your sun is the only planet in a water house, or if your moon is the only planet in a sign of universal orientation, those would be singletons. Singletons are EXTREMELY powerful forces in the natal chart. They can be considered focal points of consciousness, sometimes vehicles of manifestation. They are widely understood to have extreme expressions (or repressions) which are heavily symbolic in a native’s entire life.

People with many Aries placements, strong Martian influence, [especially if in aspect to Mercury or Mars], or hard Plutonic aspects [including conjunctions] tend to enjoy more aggressive forms of music. The types to listen to heavy metal/rock or hardcore gansta rap.

Leo and Aquarius mixing in a natal chart or in the 2nd house can make someone have a bit of a “bark” like voice.

Venus retrograde natives may have had a hard time or still have a hard time in their social lives especially if it’s placed in the 11th house.

On Chiron

People with Chiron in Aries have a fear of failure. Can suffer from identity issues. They can heal by empowering others and being independent. Chiron in Taurus feel as if they never have enough. May have grown up a bit poor or might feel as if they don’t deserve nice things. They can heal by being financially responsible, but also treating themselves to something nice once in a while. Chiron in Gemini feels like no one understands them, may have suffered from feeling unintelligent or their mental pursuits were discouraged. They can heal by speaking up. Writing or singing. Translating their pain into beautiful intellectual activity. Chiron in Cancer feel as if they can’t be vulnerable They may have been made to feel ashamed of their emotions. May have suffered neglect at home, specifically from the mother. They can heal by taking care of others. Cooking. Expressing themselves to those they trust. Not everyone will hurt you. Chiron in Leo may have suffered from being invalidated in life. Feeling rejected. Having impossible standards forced on them. Not getting recognition for their talents. They can heal through channeling creativity into art. Helping others see their worth. Being playful and bold in their own self-expression. Chiron in Virgo may suffer from some sort of distorted self-image. Perfectionism or excess of criticism from others/family. As a result, they can either be extremely critical or compensate by being people pleasers. They can heal by maintaining their health and seeing a counselor [remember Mercury who rules the mind is the ruler of Virgo so mental health is NOT something to ignore.]

People with Venus in Taurus

Are actually some of the slowest moving people in terms of romance. Even more than Capricorn Venusians. They love to take their sweet time. If they were to be a Tarot card, they’d be the Knight of Pentacles. Methodical, slow-moving, careful. They are caring but terrified of choosing the wrong person, being abandoned, or making the wrong move. They study the object of their affections almost to the level of Plutonians [but without the dark appeal]. This is because they want to know how and what pleases the other person. Very traditional.

Cancerians

Are very jealous in love and can give Scorpios a run for their money.

Leo Moons

LOVE ATTENTION I've noticed even more than Leo suns. Why? Because validation is often tied to what makes them feel good emotionally [moon]. These are the people who will post about 20 snap or insta stories talking about their day.

Gemini Mars’

Have a problem with dry-snitching on themselves. This is because their drive is tied with their intellect and speech. As a result, they can often find themselves saying more than they mean to.

Aquarian placements

Are high-key opinionated but are can also be the least accepting of other points of view, especially if Saturn/Capricorn is in the mix. This is because they are fixed air. So their mindsets/intellectual opinions are hard-pressed to change. Good luck trying to win an argument with one. However, they do move on quickly because they are detached by nature.

Sagittarians/strong sag placements will often make friends the easiest out of any zodiac sign. Opinionated but their curiosity for people from all walks of life makes it easy to relate to them. Those who come after would most likely be Gemini moons or 5th House/ 11th House Leo’s.

6th house placements, especially if Leo or Pisces sits on the cusp often are very good with animals. Piggybacking on that, Piscean placements tend to have an almost telepathic ability with animals.

Cats seem to take to Scorpionic people very easily, even if the native doesn’t care for them. As a matter of fact, most Scorpionic people have a knack with animals that are nocturnal. Spiders, Owls, Cats, Foxes. These animals will likely find a Scorpio native/ those with heavy Scorpio placements out of nowhere or perhaps never bite them.

Astro Musings No. 1 Astro Musings No. 2  Astro Musings No. 3  Astro Musings No. 4  Astro Musings No. 6 Astro Musings No. 7 Astro Musings No. 8  Astro Musings No. 9  Astro Musings No. 10

[quokkacore]

mojave, mo’problems (m)

summary: throughout your life, you’d been told that a life of crime was the loneliest of all. now, however, your boyfriends, johnny and jaehyun, a pair of bank robbers, and you, their getaway driver, beg to differ.

pairing: seo johnny x jeong jaehyun x fem reader

genre: SMUT, fluff, minor angst, found family, criminals!au

warnings: poly relationship, language, guns, mentions of cops (acab!!!), armed robbery, mentioned physical, mental and emotional abuse, reader, johnny and jaehyun are from broken homes, mentioned alcohol abuse, overuse of pet names :’), unprotected sex (dont be silly wrap ur willy!!), JAEHYUN HAS NIPPLE PIERCINGS, minor daddy kink? its used like,, once, dirty talk, threesome, boyxboy, soft dom johnny switch jaehyun, sub reader, hair pulling, slight overstimulation, orgasm denial, spitroasting, praise kink, size kink, mentions of double penetration, blowjobs, cunnilingus, general filth

song recs: stevie nicks & don henley - leather & lace ♡ nct 127 - fly away with me ♡ lana del rey - national anthem ♡ triple h - retro future

word count: 9.4k

a/n: this was originally uploaded to my old writing blog on july 22nd, 2020. there were a few things in the original a/n that i wanted to keep. one, due to how multicultural los angeles is, i imagine the reader being latina or bipoc, but i make no mention of skin color!! two, i blame the w korea johnjae photoshoot for this. the room they were shooting in and the hawaiian shirts totally gave me desert motel vibes. and finally, pls stay safe, wash ur hands, and pls keep urself informed on current issues with resources like this carrd. <3

Burbank, Los Angeles, California, 12:22 PM

“You both remember the plan, right?"

"Yeah, John.”

“Oh my god, Johnny, we went over the plan seven times last night and twice on the way here. We know what to do.”

Johnny huffed, staring pointedly at you before rolling his eyes.

“…Fine. We’ll take less than fifteen minutes, okay? You know what to do, smart girl."

You looked at Johnny, who was sitting shotgun next to you, as his hand came up to touch the back of your head, gaze warm.

"Be careful,” You said, eyes moving to the rearview mirror, where you met Jaehyun’s eyes, “Both of you.”

Jaehyun nodded, his hand coming up to cover Johnny’s. “We will be. You be careful too, baby.”

You mirrored his action, nodding, and watched as they got out of the car to walk one block down to the bank. You watched them until they disappeared from sight, drumming your fingers on the steering wheel to calm your nerves. You were grateful Johnny had chosen this quiet, relatively empty street to wait on, avoiding calling attention to yourself.

Even after two years of doing this, it still made you nervous to wait for their signal to drive up to the front with your face mask on. One of the two burner phones you’d acquired a week prior was burning a hole in your pocket, the other tucked safely into Jaehyun’s.

You let out a deep breath, letting your eyes close for a moment, briefly thinking back to the first time you’d met them. You were nineteen, Jaehyun was twenty-one, and Johnny twenty-three.

Downtown, Los Angeles, California 3:48 AM

Two years ago, you had been working a shitty job at an old 50s style diner in the more dangerous side of LA to scrounge up enough money to run away from a less-than-ideal home life. The only noise of the diner, coming from the old jukebox in the corner crooning out some old Stevie Nicks song, was broken up by two tall, handsome men entering and sitting at a booth from across each other. You were immediately wary of them. They were obviously trying not to draw attention to themselves, but it was a bit difficult with their statures and hunched backs, leaning close to each other and whispering in rushed tones.

Still, after gathering your pen and notepad, and grabbing a pair of menus, you approached the table, doing your best to put on a customer service smile despite your feet aching and head pounding from your exhaustion.

“Welcome to Ernie’s. Can I get you boys anything?” You asked quietly, setting down the menus on the table. The two men exchanged glances, before the taller one spoke.

“For now, two black coffees would be great—”

“Actually, can I get a burger with some fries?”

Your eyes darted to the shorter one, who was sporting a small, friendly smile as he fiddled with the menu.

You nodded, pulling out the notepad to write down the order. “Do you still want both coffees, or…?”

“Uhh, sure. Why not, we could use the caffeine.” He chuckled softly, and your smile got bigger at the pleasant noise. Even through the early morning hour daze, you could pick up on his charm from miles away.

“Sure thing, I can bring you guys the coffee right now, but your burger and fries might take a little bit. Anything else I can get you?”

The taller man on your left gazed up at you with wide brown eyes rimmed with dark circles underneath, totally devoid of any emotion. “We’re good, thanks.”

As you approached the kitchen window to hand the cook the order, you were able to pick up on a few not so subtle murmurs.

“Why are you in such a good mood, Jaehyun? It’s three in the morning, Yuta bailed on us and the shipment is coming in four days and we don’t even have half of a plan.”

Pouring the coffee as quietly as you could, you strained your ears to listen. Maybe if you hadn’t been so exhausted, you wouldn’t have eavesdropped, but you’d been working since 10 PM. Your head hurt, your feet ached, and you were in the mood for some entertainment, and now your curiosity had been piqued.

“Babe, calm down. I told you I have another guy who could work as our getaway driver—”

“I wouldn’t get into another car with Yangyang behind the wheel if I were covered in full fucking body armor. And I’m sure as hell not letting him be our getaway driver!” As you set the old white mugs on your serving tray, your breath hitched at his agitated whisper.

Getaway driver?

“We’re robbing a bank for Christ’s sake, Jae, not playing bumper cars.”

As you turned to face the two from behind the counter, they immediately tensed. You pretended not to have heard anything, flashing them an innocent smile as you cautiously set the mugs down on the table.

“You’re lucky I made a new pot a half hour ago! Not too hot, but not super cold either.”

The man on the right, who you now knew was named Jaehyun, had tried his best to put on his first smile, but it wasn’t working too well. It looked slightly too forced, too tight-lipped to be believable. “Thank you…” He said through somewhat gritted teeth, briefly glancing at your nametag, “…Y/N.”

“You’re very welcome,” You replied, tempted to know what would happen if you added on his name since you’d only heard it while eavesdropping, but quickly decided against it.

“If you need anything else, don’t be afraid to let me know.”

You quickly headed back to the counter, pretending to mind your business as you wiped down the counter. They murmured to each other about needing a fast driver, and the taller, stricter man, who you soon learned was named Johnny, was grumbling about needing someone able to drive as fast as this Yuta guy or even faster.

You remained silent, but all too pensive over the tempting ideas popping into your head upon hearing about their predicament.

All too soon, Jaehyun’s food was ready, and you brought it over, an innocent smile plastered once more over your face as you set it down, but said nothing when you straightened yourself. Unmoving, you met Jaehyun’s eyes. His dark eyes looked slightly alarmed, gaze darting between yours and Johnny’s.

“You know,” You hummed, after taking a deep breath, “For two people planning a crime, you’re both incredibly stupid. You do realize I heard basically everything, right?”

The two men stiffened again, momentarily panicking as they locked eyes, but that quickly melted into confusion when you giggled at their reactions.

“That being said, you’re also both incredibly lucky that Doug, the cook, is a ‘Nam veteran who can’t hear out of his left ear, and that I am a very fast driver who is in desperate need of some good cash.”

Johnny’s eyes were unreadable. “You. A waitress. A fast driver.” His teeth were gritted, and his tone agitated.

“I hate to toot my own horn,” You sighed sarcastically, unsure where your sudden confidence was coming from, “But I know what I’m talking about. I grew up around cars. Both of my parents are mechanics. I practically grew up in their garage. I have some older cousins who drag race on the weekends and taught me how to. I drove my first car when I was like, twelve.”

“What if we say no?” Jaehyun asked, eyes now void of any friendliness, “What then?”

You held up your phone, which had been hiding in your apron pocket, 911 already dialed. You saw Johnny swallow when he saw the numbers, Adam’s apple bobbing as he did so. You felt a surge of power rush to your head, having caught the scarier of the two men now looking like a deer in headlights.

“All I need to do is call. I’m sure the cops would be thrilled to take a look at all the weapons you say you have in your trunk. I want in. You either do this with me or not at all, assholes.”

The two stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. They seemed to be having an entire conversation with just their eyes. You tried your best to hide the shaking in your knees and the tremble in your fingers, to ignore the fact that this could easily backfire. If they were considering robbing a bank, they were automatically dangerous. One of them could easily have a gun with them here, and they could very easily pull it out and use it to hurt you or Doug.

Finally, Johnny sighed. He didn’t look very happy, but there was a glint in Jaehyun’s eyes that gave you catharsis.

“Alright, sweetheart,” Johnny said in a cold voice, “Let’s talk business.”

Everything had spiraled from there. You took them for a drive around the city to show them just how fast you could be, they opened themselves up to you being their third musketeer. The first time you robbed a bank, they were there to comfort you after you panicked at the idea of living on the run.

Eventually, you found out about their relationship as lovers, and they found out why you were so willing to drop everything and run away with two strangers, among other things. The story of how you drove your first car at twelve because your alcoholic parents were too wasted to drive to the grocery store, how you were cautious to hide the scars of cigarette burns along your inner forearm. After that, they opened up to you as well.

Why Jaehyun ran away from a promising life studying pre-med at an Ivy League University where expectations were eternally piled onto his shoulders, like Atlas holding up the sky. Why Johnny left suburban Chicago behind for LA at sixteen, tired of the monotony of a normal life where everything in his life had to look perfect, everywhere except behind the curtains of his house because his parents couldn’t stand him being attracted to both women and men, since it wasn’t befitting of the perfect family they so desired to be.

Somewhere along the lines, your strange business relationship of robbing banks and splitting the money equally three ways blossomed into something just as strange, but even better, something you’d never expected. You found yourself falling in love with the both of them, growing into the loving family you’d always wanted but of which you’d always been deprived. They both became fiercely protective of you, and after months of them calling you love, baby, sweetheart, princess, they finally asked you to become a permanent part of their relationship, and you accepted.

You expected so many things to happen in your life, but never to fall in love like this. And it was better than anything you could have asked for. They kept you safe and reminded you that you were worthy of love, something you hadn’t felt growing up.

The sudden vibrating of the burner in your pocket snapped you out of your reverie, and you quickly pulled on the black ski mask over your face before you started the car, not hesitating to speed towards the bank. You could hear police cars in the distance, and you took a deep breath as you rolled up to the front door, where the boys were currently exiting, bags full and guns out.

Your chest swelled with a strange sense of pride as they bolted into the car, shouting at you to drive.

Outrunning the police was a challenge, as always, but you were always faster, despite the fact that the boys had to keep telling you to wiggle your fingers since they were so stiff on the wheel and the last thing you needed was for your hands to cramp up now. Sure, you damaged the car a bit, but you could care less. This wasn’t actually your car. This was the car you’d hotwired almost a week ago, the real getaway car was hiding in a rather empty parking building, which you managed to enter and exit without much difficulty, now riding in a blue station wagon rather than the red Pontiac you’d driven to the bank. You all pulled off your masks, Jaehyun laying down to hide himself from the view of the window behind you.

Soon enough, you were out of Los Angeles, driving east towards the state line, and Jaehyun settled into the back seat. You drove for hours, the mood in the car finally having settled into an excited one a few minutes after leaving LA.

“How much did you guys manage to pull out of them?” You asked with a grin, and Johnny and Jaehyun shared a look, something that they always did.

“Baby girl, we managed to get 900,000 dollars from ‘em, we got ‘em good.” God, if you weren’t driving, you would have kissed Johnny then and there. Instead, you shrieked, “Nine hundred thousand!? That’s the biggest amount we’ve pulled yet!”

Jaehyun leaned forward, resting his chin on the front seat as Johnny looked back at him, pressing a soft kiss to the younger’s lips. “We’re celebrating big time, tonight,” Johnny declared once he pulled away from Jaehyun’s lips, much to Jaehyun’s dismay.

“How much longer till we get there?” Jaehyun asked, deep voice rumbling with satisfaction, mostly undeterred from Johnny’s teasing.

You glanced at the clock built into the dashboard, green lights blinking 4:18 PM. “I could get us there in two hours, but I don’t wanna draw attention by speeding. I’d much rather get to the motel at around eight.”

“Take your time, baby girl,” Jaehyun told you, leaning over even further to press a warm kiss to your temple, and your fingers stiffened on the wheel once more, “Whatever you feel works best.”

“Not too long, though,” Johnny added, “I don’t wanna piss myself before we get there.”

Both you and Jaehyun processed what he said, and immediately burst out laughing afterwards.

Yeah, these were the idiots you fell in love with.

The desert seemed endless, nothing in sight for miles but arid dirt and plants along the road. Somewhere along the road, as the sun began to set in the distance, Jaehyun pulled out his real phone from one of his suitcases in the back of the car, playing soft rock for the three of you to listen to as day turned to night, and the lampposts on the side of the road turned on.

There were far and few towns in between the vast expanse of desert, and because of that the stars shone bright in the limitless sky. When you saw the first flash of the moon up above, a song Jaehyun had put on had just ended, and a familiar Stevie Nicks song started playing afterwards. You smiled to yourself, humming along to the soft, tinkling melody.

Lovers forever, face to face                         

My city, your mountains

Stay with me, stay

I need you to love me

I need you today

Give to me, your leather

Take from me, my lace…

Eventually, after an eternity, you passed the sign you’d been so looking forward to seeing.

Welcome to Verona, Nevada

Population: 1,239

The motel wasn’t that hard to find, as it was just off of the highway. Johnny signed in in under 10 minutes, and you settled into the room on the second floor as quickly as you were allowed. The room smelled like mothballs and the carpet looked like it had once been a deep forest green, but was now a dark brown.

Yes, it was disgusting, but this was necessary to lay low for a while. Posing as three friends on a road trip crashing in a dingy motel for the night was generally the ploy. Next morning you would be out on the road again, driving further away from LA, then after a few days, you would finally return back to your shared apartment.

The three of you carried in the suitcases where the bags had been hidden in, and while you were stretching your legs and Jaehyun was showering, Johnny ordered three large pizzas using the phone on the nightstand.  

You lay down on the large, lumpy mattress a few minutes later, grabbing the remote and turning on the small, ancient TV across the room. The bed was lower than what the average bed was for some reason, and you suspected that the frame had broken at some point, and that the motel either didn’t know or didn’t care.

Regardless of how the mattress felt, your eyes started to droop despite flicking through the channels. You could feel your mind start to relax as you let go of your driver mindset, releasing pent up tension and alertness. Johnny turned to face the TV, sparing you a glance with his eyebrows raised.

“The news?”

“You know it, big boy."

He stalked over to where you were and plopped himself down to sit next to you, not hesitating to pull you into his lap. You smiled as he wrapped his hands around your waist, large hands spanning across your skin easily. The TV, now stuck on a channel showing some melodramatic Mexican telenovela, seemed to fade into the background.

"You did so well, today, baby,” He murmured, pressing a kiss to your shoulder, “We all did really good.”

You smiled softly at his gentleness, hands meeting his on your waist, before turning your head enough to meet his gaze, nose brushing against his. His big, brown eyes were hooded, whether from tiredness or admiration of your features, you weren’t sure, but you gave it no further thought once he pressed his lips to yours.

His lips were slightly chapped, and you made a mental note to nag him later to drink more water. One of his hands came to brush some hair out of your face, and you became hyper-aware of each of his movements.

“Hmm, Johnny…"

"Shh, baby girl, let me kiss you a little bit more.”

When his lips came back to yours, his movements became more aggressive, pushing his tongue into your mouth as his grip on your waist tightened. Your breath hitched as you sucked on his tongue, whining softly against his mouth.

“Fuck,” you heard Jaehyun groan from the other side of the room, and Johnny pulled away before you could protest. Your eyes cracked open, hooded eyes finding Jaehyun bathed in warm light from the bathroom. His hair was still kind of damp and he hadn’t bothered buttoning his shirt up.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Johnny greeted, and you bit your lip at the teasing lilt in his tone, “Care to join us?"

"I was gonna wait until after dinner,” Jaehyun said, setting his towel on one of the chairs in the room, “But if you insist…”

“Jae,” You called, voice soft, “Come here, pretty boy.”

Jaehyun smiled as he approached you, standing right in front of you and Johnny, who had now started pressing kisses against your neck. “You want a kiss, princess?”

You nodded as best you could with Johnny sucking on your neck, pouting up at Jaehyun, who in return leaned down and grasped your face before pulling you into a kiss. He tasted like the watermelon bubblegum he always carried around in his pocket. One of your hands came up to comb through his wet, brown hair, nails scratching against his scalp, and he groaned quietly against your lips.

“You’re both so hot,” Johnny murmured against your ear, and you whined at his deep voice, both you and Jaehyun pulling away to look at him, the two of you evidently affected by what he was saying.

To say Johnny was the leader of your relationship was a bit of an understatement. Johnny was the mastermind behind most of your heists, and commanded a presence over both you and Jaehyun, wherever you were. Where Johnny went, you and Jaehyun followed with few objections, trailing behind him like ducklings. Johnny, in return, accepted his more dominant role easily, and did his best to take care of you both.

Sometimes, you wondered if your upbringings influenced the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe Johnny was  eager to dominate the both of you because he was raised under strict, controlling parents dictating his every move and treating him as their little puppet. Jaehyun submitting to Johnny, but not to you, out of the need to please as a kid who had been emotionally neglected but forced to live up to his family’s expectations. And you, submitting to both of them because you were forced to take care of yourself and your parents from a young age when it should have been the other way around.

The moment was broken by a knock at the door, the three of you immediately tensing up. “It’s just the pizza guy,” Jaehyun whispered in reassurance, taking a deep breath, but it didn’t do much to calm your nerves.

“Jae,” Johnny said, nodding toward him, looking alert, “Look through the peephole first. Wait for me.”

Jaehyun nodded, standing slowly. You were taking deep breaths in an attempt to keep yourself calm, but the possibilities of it being anyone but the pizza guy were causing your heart to beat into overdrive. LA police. Nevada police. State troopers. The FBI. Those weird Hungarian guys Jaehyun pissed off a few months ago. Suddenly it was all of them, waiting to burst into the room and take your family away from you.  

Johnny set you down on the bed, flashing you a soft look before pulling the back of his button up to reveal a gun hiding in the waistband of his pants, putting a hand on the grip, just in case. You stood, watching as Jaehyun slowly approached the door to look through the peephole, his eyes dark and eyebrows furrowed, heart pounding in your chest. He shut one eye, looking through the small hole in the door, before allowing his shoulders to slump a moment later, and giving you both a thumbs up.

Coast clear.

You sighed in relief, sitting back down on the bed as Jaehyun stepped away from the door. Johnny handed Jaehyun his gun, pulling out his wallet from the pocket of his pants, and swung open the door, beginning a casual discussion with the delivery man as he pulled some money out of his wallet, before grabbing the pizzas and telling the guy to keep the change.

He closed the door, waiting a few seconds before sighing in relief as well and slumping against it.

“Jesus fuck, that’s one way to kill a boner,” He muttered, looking up as Jaehyun set down the gun on the nightstand.

“Y/N, you should have seen your face,” The younger man said while he stifled a laugh, coming closer to wrap his arms around you, and you huffed.

“Fuck off,” You told him, rejecting his embrace, and pouted, “I was genuinely about to piss myself.”

Jaehyun laughed again, and you retaliated by punching him in the arm, but not too hard, but he still grabbed your hand and pulled you towards Johnny, who had since set the pizzas down on the desk and locked the door again. He opened a box and grabbed a slice, and your spat with Jaehyun was forgotten, especially after having been on the road for over eight hours without stopping to eat.

Jaehyun grabbed another slice, eagerly taking a large bite before his eyes turned to the TV, which was still playing the Mexican telenovela. He raised an eyebrow after a few moments.

“Why are we watching Pasión de Gavilanes?” He asked, reading the name of the show as it cut to a commercial break.

“I was looking for the news,” You replied, giving Johnny a sideways glance, “But someone had other ideas.”

Johnny shrugged, already on his second slice of pizza. “You didn’t seem to mind,” He said after swallowing his food, eyes alight with mischief. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t deny him, and watched as he walked back to the bed, where the remote lay abandoned. He began switching through the channels until he finally stumbled upon the nine o’clock news report on a random channel, and the three of you quietly made your way towards the bed, all three of you waiting for the exact same thing.

And when it came, it was amazing. You were the main story, the breaking news of the armed robbery that had occurred in one of the safest parts of the city.

The three of you huddled together, occasionally getting up to pick up more slices of pizza, all relishing in having your egos stroked as the reporters all went over the details of the heist, how, when the police searched the getaway car (which had been mysteriously abandoned), no trace of any of the thieves were found, that any and all fingerprints didn’t match with any already registered in the LAPD’s database.

“The FBI has already involved itself in the investigation, believing this is the work of the same perpetrators as the Municipal Bank of Santa Monica six months ago, where two assailants…” The female reporter faded into the background, and you nodded to yourself, finishing your pizza happily. You peeked over at Jaehyun, who had a smug look on his face, satisfaction evident. You looked back to the TV as the scene changed, ignoring Johnny as he shifted next to you.

“We have no way  to identify the perpetrators,” A representative for the FBI explained, “All we know is that the suspects are two males, both taller than six feet, and a female of unknown stature. All are believed to be between early and mid 20s.”

You zoned out for the rest of the report, content at both the fullness in your stomach and the lack of evidence the police had against you, before feeling Johnny shift next to you again. You furrowed your eyebrows, turning your head to look at him, only to raise your eyebrows as you realized what was going on.

Your eyes looked down to Johnny’s hand, which had drifted to between Jaehyun’s legs. Jaehyun was slumped against Johnny’s side, panting quietly as Johnny’s hand groped him roughly. Johnny’s gaze met yours, dark eyes twinkling.

“And to think he told us off for not being able to wait,” He murmured, and Jaehyun hummed at the deep roll of his voice. “Come on, princess. Help me make him feel good.”

You nodded, knowing better than to disobey Johnny when he got like this. You lowered yourself to your knees, crawling towards Jaehyun. Johnny moved again, this time sitting behind Jaehyun so he could begin to unbutton Jaehyun’s shirt. You placed yourself in between Jaehyun’s legs, hands coming up to touch the tent in his white shorts.

“I’ve been wanting to do this all night,” You sighed, reaching to unzip his pants. Jaehyun looked down at you, face flushed, but eyes still burning with lust. “That desperate, baby?”

“For you two, always,” You answered quietly, pulling his pants down as he wiggled his hips. Johnny slid the button up down the younger man’s arms, leaving Jaehyun in black boxers. You glanced at Johnny, who was kissing the back of Jaehyun’s neck, big hands sliding up and down Jaehyun’s toned torso, purposely avoiding the metal studs embedded in Jaehyun’s nipples, something you knew Jaehyun loved for Johnny to play with. You bit your lip, not missing  the fact that Johnny was rocking his hips steadily against Jaehyun’s.

You eyed the bulge in Jaehyun’s boxers hungrily, feeling your core heat up at the thought of what was to come, before pulling down the garment and freeing Jaehyun’s dick. He hummed at the feeling, and you didn’t hesitate to wrap a hand around it.

Jaehyun’s head fell back, breath hitching as you pressed a kiss to his tip, and Johnny chose that moment to tug on the piercings. “Fuck, John,” He muttered, eyes squeezing shut.

“Don’t be mean, pretty boy,” Johnny cooed, fingers flicking the nubs incessantly, “Y/N’s helping you out too, don’t ignore her.”

“Y-Y/N—Shit, baby, nngh…”

You smiled at his whine, before taking his tip into your mouth, Jaehyun’s hips instinctually moving to thrust into your mouth. Your hand moved to stroke what you couldn’t fit into your mouth, listening to Johnny whisper filth into Jaehyun’s ear, not letting up his fingers, despite Jaehyun’s squirming.

His pretty face was flushed, letting out soft moans as Johnny tugged on the metal and pressed open mouthed kisses against his neck. You closed your eyes, focusing on hollowing your cheeks and making him feel good. He hissed when he hit the back of your throat, and your eyes opened as you forced yourself not to gag. Drool was pooling in your mouth, threatening to spill down your chin.

“She’s so pretty like this, John…” Jaehyun’s voice sounded breathless as his hands wound into your hair, keeping it out of your face. Your eyes screwed shut, whining quietly at his praise.

"She’s fucking gorgeous when she’s sucking cock,” Johnny growled against Jaehyun’s neck, voice guttural and dangerous, “And she loves it. Isn’t that right, princess?”

Jaehyun’s hand tightened against your scalp, trying to pull you off of his cock. “Give him an answer, baby girl.”

You pulled away from him, hand still gripping his shaft, still pumping slowly. You gasped for air, and the spit that had been gathering in your mouth spilled onto your chin, and they both groaned in unison at the sight. “I love it, John,” You murmured, meeting his dark stare. “Baby, you’re both so big, you both stretch me out so good.”

Jaehyun groaned again, and Johnny hummed, pressing a kiss to Jaehyun’s temple before he stood from the bed. He pulled you up on top of the bed with them, pulling you into his lap. You wrapped your legs around his waist, smiling to yourself as you felt something hard poking at your core. “Jae,” Johnny hummed, and Jaehyun shuffled over to meet you both.

“Spit in her mouth,” Johnny ordered quietly, and you whimpered in delight. Jaehyun looked at you with mischief in his eyes, before grabbing your chin. Your mouth fell open without need for an order, and he pressed his nose against yours. Then he opened his mouth, and you moaned when his spit fell onto your tongue.

“Don’t swallow yet, princess.” Johnny’s voice was deep, dark, and you knew he was thoroughly enjoying watching the both of you. You kept your mouth open, as one of his hands came to hold the back of your neck, drawing him closer to you. He pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth, before opening his mouth and spitting in yours as well.

His eyes never left yours the entire time, nearly black with desire. His face was flushed, and the hand on your neck was hot.

“Swallow,” He growled against your mouth, and you couldn’t bring yourself to disobey. When you opened your mouth to show him how good you were being, he groaned and pressed his lips against yours in a bruising kiss. Your hands busied themselves unbuttoning his shirt, while his hands groped your ass, forcing you to grind against him. You moaned his name, and his tongue found itself into your mouth, taking the lead of the wet, messy kiss.

Your mind was quickly hazing up at the feeling of Johnny’s clothed cock rubbing against you through your denim shorts, but you still picked up on the sounds of skin against skin and panting coming from your left. You pulled away from Johnny’s lips to look towards Jaehyun. Johnny took this chance to tug your shirt off, leaving you in a plain purple bra. Your breath caught in your throat when your eyes fell to Jaehyun’s hands, Johnny’s lips trailing down to the skin of your collarbones.

Jaehyun had one hand stroking himself at a steady pace, the other wrapped around the base of his cock, as if he were trying to stave off an incoming orgasm. He was watching the both of you with eyes darker than the Mojave desert in the middle of the night.

“Jae,” You whined, breathless against Johnny’s frame, “C’mere and kiss me, baby.”

“Yeah?” Jae answered, just as breathless as you, quirking an eyebrow up, “You want me, needy baby?”

You nodded in response, one hand reaching out to him. He leaned forward again, and your eyes fluttered shut as his lips landed against yours.

Jaehyun’s kisses were so different from Johnny’s. Jaehyun was gentler, but he didn’t need to tease you by letting you dominate the kiss and then taking over. No, Jaehyun dominated the kiss from the beginning, plump lips sliding against yours, hands leaving his cock to caress your sides, brushing over Johnny’s hands very briefly. Then, they moved to your back, unclipping your bra and discarding it somewhere on the bed.

He pulled away from your lips, and Johnny, who had been sucking a purple mark into your shoulder, did the same. You noted that all of your chests were heaving. Johnny’s hands were still moving your hips against his, and the pleasure left your mind reeling.

“You close, princess?” Jaehyun asked, and you shook your head. “N-not yet, but… s-soon.”

“Look at how pretty our baby girl is, Jaehyun,” Johnny murmured,  dark eyes glittering in adoration as he watched your hips speed up of their own accord, rutting against him like a mindless animal. Jaehyun hummed in agreement, leaning his head against Johnny’s shoulder. Your head tipped back, unable to handle both of them looking at you, looking through you, as you fell apart on Johnny’s lap.

“You’re so perfect, Y/N. So good for us, baby girl.”

By now, the fabric of your shorts and your panties against your core were starting to feel uncomfortable, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You were so lost in hazy pleasure, head swimming with nothing but thoughts of your two lovers. Your hands linked around Johnny’s neck, trying to find something to tether yourself to the mortal world, because you were certain that if you didn’t, you would float off into space, never to be seen again.

“Ah, f-fuck,” You said, “L-love you both so much…”

Jaehyun’s hand caressed your neck, before coming to caress your cheek. He moved your head as well, forcing you to meet his eyes. His eyes were warm, clouded with desire. Your gaze flickered between his face and Johnny’s, and you whined again. They were watching you wordlessly, in a way that made you feel safe, loved, needed, and even though it’d been about a year and a half since they started looking at you like that, it never failed to make your head spin in love and arousal.  

Johnny let loose a lazy smile at your words, hips bucking against your own. “We love you too, princess. You’re so sweet, do you wanna come soon?”

You nodded desperately, opening your mouth to answer but moaning instead when Johnny pressed you down even more against his cock. They both laughed at your noise, and you just had to laugh along with them.

The laughter died down a few moments later, and you felt yourself dangling over the edge. You just needed one little push, and a little push is what you got when Jaehyun turned his face to Johnny, and the older man met him for a kiss. Johnny growled against Jaehyun’s lips, biting down on his lower lip, and Jaehyun’s hand ran through Johnny’s hair, now sweaty and damp.

The sight of your lovers making out in front of you tipped you over the edge. Your eyes screwing shut, their names and profanities spilling from your mouth, moaning as the pleasure started in your hands and feet, before spreading up your arms and legs and taking over your body. Your hips didn’t stop moving, seemingly having a mind of your own, trying to draw out your orgasm as you clenched around nothing. All too soon, the sensation washed away, leaving you pliant and breathless in Johnny’s arms.

Your eyes opened to find that they hadn’t exactly broken away. They’d stopped kissing to pay attention to you, but they were still close enough for each other’s lips to remain against their own. When they finally separated, a small trail of spit connected their lower lips.

“That was so hot,” Johnny groaned, pressing your head against his chest, which was now bare, somehow. Jaehyun must have slipped off his shirt at some point without you noticing, you concluded in your frazzled state of mind. You closed your eyes as you allowed your breathing to return to normal, vaguely aware of your boys kissing each other a bit more.

“How are you doing, princess?” Jaehyun said once you had calmed down, no longer panting. His hand was caressing your side up and down, almost as if he was comforting you. You straightened your posture to look up at him and Johnny, giving them a soft, sleepy smile. Johnny’s big hands squeezed your hips as he spoke. “You wanna stop, or do you wanna keep going?”

You nodded, brushing away a damp strand of hair that was in your face. “I still haven’t gotten fucked by either of you,” You mumbled, “What makes you think I’m stopping before that happens?”

The pair exchanged a dark glance, wicked smiles gracing their faces before looking back at you.

“Clothes off,” Jaehyun ordered, “Now.”

You moved off of Johnny, legs wobbling slightly, to lay down next to them. You popped the button on your shorts and pulled down the zipper, watching as Jaehyun undressed Johnny, doing the same with his shorts as he kissed down the older man’s neck. You were left in now ruined cotton panties, the drenched fabric clinging to your folds in an awkward way. Your eyes turned to the pair in front of you as Jaehyun pulled down Johnny’s boxers, leaving him naked as well. They faced you, and Johnny grabbed you by the ankle, dragging you towards them with a soft smile on his face. You laughed quietly, the noise dying when Jaehyun grabbed your other leg as well and parted them, before lying in between them, face inches away from your core.

“John, baby,” He said, craning his neck to stare at him, “Can I…?”

“Go ahead, pretty boy,” Johnny replied, as he lay next to you, “Y/N made you feel good earlier, and we need to get her ready for us, right? You can return the favor, can’t you?”

Jaehyun nodded, and Johnny raised an eyebrow as he moved to lie next to you. “Words, baby boy.”

Jaehyun gulped, hands resting on your hips. “Yes, John.”

His hands reached for your panties, his eyes meeting yours as he pressed a kiss to your thigh. Your hand brushed some sandy brown hair out of his eyes, and you hummed as you watched him pull down the last piece of clothing, discarding it. “Jae,” You mumbled, “You’re so pretty, baby.”

Jaehyun smiled, the tips of his ears turning red. It had taken you a few weeks for you to put it together when you started dating, but you eventually figured out that Jaehyun loved getting praised. Anytime you or Johnny said something about how good or handsome he was, how nice he made either of you feel, he’d turn to putty in your hands.

He grabbed your thighs, pulling them over his shoulders, his face close to where you needed him most but did nothing. He was riling you up, you knew he was. He loved to do this, loved to wait how long he could wait before making you beg. “Babe,” You murmured, “Jae, please don’t tease me.”

His eyes twinkled with something you couldn’t read as he pressed another kiss to your thigh, big, rough hands gripping your hips possessively. “You beg so nicely, princess. How could I refuse?”

He lowered his mouth to your hole, and your eyes squeezed shut, hissing out at the sensitivity. Johnny pressed a kiss to your forehead. The hand that wasn’t tugging on Jaehyun’s hair shot out to grasp Johnny’s forearm. Johnny responded by grabbing your hand and guiding it to his cock, and you obeyed his silent command by wrapping your hand around him, pumping him slowly.

You could hear his breathing right next to your ear, combined with the wet sounds Jaehyun was making as he mouthed along your slit. You weren’t sure what to focus on, letting out a high keen as Jaehyun slid a finger inside of you, his mouth coming up to suckle on your clit.

“Ah, Jaehyun, baby,” You whined, hips trying to move, but being stopped by Jaehyun’s other hand, “F-feels so good.”

Jaehyun hummed against your clit, the vibration causing you to squirm even further, crying out his name. Already you could feel the familiar sensation in your lower stomach again, forcing you to focus on Jaehyun’s mouth, alternating between sucking your clit and flicking it with the tip of your tongue.

“You like how he’s making you feel, baby girl?” Johnny asked a few moments later, and you nodded as he pressed his forehead against your temple to whisper into your ear. “You like the way he’s being a good boy and eating your pussy like he’s starving?”

You nodded again, whining even louder when Jaehyun added a second finger. Johnny’s hand rose to your breast, teasing your nipple as your head fell back, hand falling into a sloppy rhythm against Johnny’s cock. He pinched harshly, and you tried to move away from his grip, but he wouldn’t let you. “Neither of you seem to want to use your words today, huh? Come on, princess, tell Jaehyun how much you like it.”

You opened your mouth, trying to speak, but shrieking when Jaehyun’s fingers began to thrust into you at a rapid pace. Your hips were bucking wildly against Jaehyun’s mouth and fingers now, despite his best efforts to hold you down.

“J-Jae, fuck, fuck, fuck… Ah, your fingers are s-so big… They’re fucking me so good, I-I’m so sensitive, I don’t think I can h-hold on much longer…”

“Aw, already?” Jaehyun teased from between your legs, fingers not letting up as he slowed down their pace, “It’s only been a few minutes.”

“Jaehyun,” You whined, grasp tightening on his hair, “I’m gonna come, p-please…”

“No.”

Your eyes shot open to glare at Johnny, breathing heavily as Jaehyun removed his fingers from your aching core, and your hand stopped its movement against Johnny’s dick. “Why not?” You whined, and Johnny sat up, propping himself against the faded maroon headboard of the bed.

“Because you’re not cumming again until both of us have.” His tone was stern, leaving no room for argument. His gaze, however, was warm. “Now, what’s gonna happen is this: you’re gonna get on your hands and knees, and pretty boy over there is gonna fuck you from behind, and you’re gonna let me fuck your face. Can you two do that for me?”

He was giving both you and Jaehyun the chance to drop it now, disguised under the illusion of a command. But you didn’t want to stop. You rarely did when it came to your boyfriends.

“Yes, John,” You and Jaehyun answered at the same time, looking at him. Johnny grinned, patting his thighs with both hands.

“Come here, Y/N. Hands and knees, like I said.”

You crawled over to him, eyes not leaving Johnny’s face. His dark eyes followed yours, face covered with a light sheen of sweat, hair brushed back to reveal his forehead. You leaned forward when you got to the spot where he ordered you to be, pressing a kiss to his jawline. Your mouth trailed down to his neck, smiling against his skin when you heard him sigh in satisfaction.

You felt the bed shift as Jaehyun came to kneel behind you, hands trailing down your back, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Your kisses trailed down Johnny’s tan skin, past his collarbones, across his pecs, down his stomach, ghosting along his right hip. Your lips left his skin as Jaehyun gripped your hip with one hand, using his hand to grind his dick against your soaking folds.

“You want me to put it in, baby?” Jaehyun asked you, and you nodded without hesitating, your face heating at your desperation. “Yes, Jae.”

“Suck Johnny’s dick and I’ll do whatever you want, lovely girl.”

His words were accompanied by Johnny’s hands touching the back of your neck, not pushing, but still commanding a certain power over you, still compelling you to lower yourself onto his cock.

One thing you’d learned very early on from having sex with both Johnny and Jaehyun, you thought as you let your mouth relax around Johnny’s dick, was that they were both bigger than the past lays you’d had. Jaehyun was a bit longer, but Johnny was thicker. Regardless, they both had the power to leave your legs shaking, and your throat scratchy for days.

Once you’d allowed your jaw to loosen enough, you began bobbing your head up and down slowly, tonguing along the underside of the shaft. Your hands held you up, grasping Johnny’s toned thighs for support. A rush came through you as you realized that those thighs were what had made you come earlier, and that helped you push Johnny even further down your throat.

A groan bubbled out of Johnny’s throat, and Jaehyun took that as his sign to push into you. You moaned against Johnny, and his groan got louder, hands pushing you even further against Johnny’s pelvis. You held back the urge to gag, forcing yourself to focus on breathing through your nose despite the intrusion in your mouth.  

Jaehyun’s movements started slow, letting you get used to the both of them fucking into you from both ends. He let out a low hiss as you clenched around him, hips grinding against you in a way that had you seeing stars.

It was as if they were connected telepathically, something unspoken between the two of them that always confused and amused you. You felt the amusement again as they both sped up the movements of their hips at the same time, a gradual buildup from teasing, subtle grinding, to harsh bucks of the hips, fucking in and out of you as if you were their own little tool for pleasure, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Any noises that left you were either muffled shrieks of pleasure as Jaehyun pounded away at your still sensitive pussy, or gagging noises, as Johnny’s hands forced you up and down his cock, bottoming out into your throat whenever he wanted to prolong little bursts of ecstasy. Tears were running down your face as he did so, and when he noticed, he let out a strained laugh.

“Hey, baby girl, are you crying because of my dick or Jaehyun’s?”

He pulled you off of him, and you took the chance to catch your breath before answering a few seconds later.

“B-both,” You moaned, and Jaehyun grunted in acknowledgement.

“Good,” He hummed, and you bit your lip as you fucked back against him, “Using our little girl like this feels so nice, doesn’t it, Johnny?”

“It feels fucking fantastic, pretty boy,” Johnny answered as you craned your neck to kiss along his shaft, “She’s so small, but she takes us both like a fucking champ. Maybe next time we should stuff her pussy and her ass at the same time… would you like that, angel?”

You cried out enthusiastically, stomach twisting at the suggestion. Jaehyun threw his head back, letting out a guttural groan.

“Oh, she’d love that, baby. You should’ve felt how much tighter she got when you said that.”

Johnny grinned, and lifted you off of his cock one more time.

“Hey, Y/N,” He said, lifting your chin to get you to look at him.

“H-hey, Johnny,” You whimpered, and Johnny pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“Get off his dick, princess,” He told you, loud enough for Jaehyun to hear, “I’ve got an idea.”

Jaehyun stopped his movements, pulling out of you. You whined at the sudden emptiness, and Johnny patted your head to calm you before standing. Given that the bed frame was a lot lower than most beds, it allowed him to tower over both you and Jaehyun as Johnny propped the younger man up, then told you to sit in his lap, letting Jaehyun slide back inside of you.

“I wanna watch you both,” He murmured lovingly, carding a hand through Jaehyun’s hair, who hummed happily. Your mind was turning fuzzy fast, clinging to Jaehyun and pressing soft kisses to his jaw.

“Can we still touch you, Johnny?” You asked, voice small, flashing him big, pouty eyes that he could seldom refuse as he sat back down at where he once was.

Johnny nodded, his hand moving to your head and repeating the movement he’d made on Jaehyun’s head. “Of course you can, baby,” He answered, “But you’ll do it when I say so and how I tell you to do it. Is that okay?”

“Yes, Johnny.”

“Okay.”

Johnny smiled at the both of you, and slowly Jaehyun began his rhythm again, fucking in and out of you slowly, before speeding up again. Your lips trailed down to his neck, sucking on a spot you wanted to leave a mark on, and your hands came up to toy with his nipple piercings, mimicking what Johnny had been doing to him earlier.

Jaehyun groaned, eyebrows furrowing and eyes fluttering shut as you began to move with him and tug at the piercings. He turned his head to lock eyes with Johnny, who was stroking himself as he watched the two of you gradually lose control against each other’s body. The two held each other’s gaze, Jaehyun’s eyes lowering first as he pressed a kiss to your  sweaty forehead.

“John,” Jaehyun pleaded, voice deep and teasing, “Come here, daddy, I wanna jack you off.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. You and Jaehyun only brought out daddy when you wanted to be little shits to him and tease him more than usual. Nevertheless, he relented, standing and walking around the bed. Your eyes peeled open a few moments later, finding Johnny standing to the side of you, cock being stroked by Jaehyun as he continued to roll his hips into you.

Given that the bed was lower than usual, and Johnny was freakishly tall, his dick was more or less level with your faces, and through the hazy pleasure of Jaehyun pounding away at you, you got an idea.

You leaned slightly to the side, pressing a kiss to the head of Johnny’s member, and Johnny groaned as he realized what you wanted to do. Jaehyun seemed to like the idea, his hips fucking into you even faster once he registered what was going on.

Johnny used his knees to lean against the mattress, allowing you to lean back into your original position as he tipped his head back.

“Our dirty girl,” Johnny hissed, “You want cock so bad, don’t you? Can’t handle just one fucking you, you need another one down your throat.”

Jaehyun pulled you off of him. “Give him an answer, sweetheart,” He ordered, before taking your place and taking Johnny into his mouth.

“I’m yours,” You told them, “Want you both all day, all night, ngh, always… I love you both s-so much, I can’t handle not being fucked like this ever again…”

“You belong to us now, baby. We own you, body and soul.” Johnny’s voice was slightly strained now, but his words still held the same effect. You were eager to agree, unable to say anything as Jaehyun hit the one spot inside of you that had you crying out his name.

“Fuck, Jae! Right there!”

Jaehyun pulled off of Johnny’s cock, pulling you into a bruising kiss as he continued to hit your sweet spot time and time again.

“Yeah, you’re gonna cum again soon?” Jaehyun asked when he pulled away, and you nodded, before turning to Johnny and taking him into your mouth again.

“Don’t forget, princess,” Johnny said, “You can’t cum until either of us have. Understood?”

You nodded, trying to hold off the impending wave that was soon to crash on you.

“I’m so fucking close, Johnny,” Jaehyun mumbled, and Johnny gave a garbled agreement when Jaehyun’s free hand came up to stroke along with your hand.

“Me too, baby,” Johnny groaned, “You gonna fill Y/N up? Cum inside that tight pussy of hers?”

Your legs wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist, before you pulled your mouth away from Johnny, opting to stroke him as Jaehyun took him into his mouth once more.

“Give it to me, Jae,” You begged, voice shaky.

Johnny came first with a loud, “Fuck!” He watched as you and Jaehyun took turns licking away the cum as it shot out of the tip of his dick, tongues meeting occasionally as you both mouthed along the head.

“Shit, you’re both so good to me.”

Jaehyun’s orgasm came moments later. He buried his face in your neck, wrapping his arms around your waist as his pace turned sloppy and sporadic, filling you with hot cum as he groaned out both your name and Johnny’s. You whimpered at the sensitivity of your insides as he twitched against your walls, painting them white, but you didn’t stop bouncing in his lap.

“Y-you both came,” You moaned, desperate to cum. You could see on Jaehyun’s face that he was growing sensitive as well, but his hands on your waist weren’t stopping you at all. “Please let me cum, I’ve been a good girl…”

Johnny sat behind you, letting your head roll onto his shoulder. One hand wrapped around your neck, not squeezing, but still tight enough to send a thrill down your spine. “Yeah, you’ve been really well behaved tonight, baby. You weren’t as bratty as you usually are, hmm?”

You couldn’t answer, not when his other hand reached down to tap away at your swollen clit.

“J-John, ah—”

“You wanna cum, baby girl?”

You nodded, eyes squeezing shut as your hips took on a mind of their own.

“Then cum, sweetheart.”

And somehow, his deep, warm voice triggered your orgasm.

You threw your head back, almost positive that what you were speaking in tongues rather than actually saying anything coherent. You clung onto Jaehyun with one hand, writhing in his hold, and reached back to grip Johnny’s bicep. Beneath your eyelids, colors danced around you. You were certain this was what heaven felt like, and that this was some sort of divine ascension…

Verona, Nevada, 10:06 PM

When you managed to come down, you felt groggy, and your vision felt hazy, as if you were in a dream.  The only sound came from the three of you, breathing heavily as you recovered from what had just happened. The room smelled like sex, sweat, and oddly enough, greasy pizza.

“Y/N?” Jaehyun murmured, “You still with us?"

You nodded, trying to ignore the scratchiness in your throat. "Yeah… ‘m good. Came really hard.”

Johnny chuckled from behind you, before pressing a kiss to your shoulder. “Certainly looked like it, baby.”

You smiled, eyes drooping already at the tiredness you were beginning to feel.  

You settled down between the two of them, ignoring the smell of sweat emanating from the three of you all together. Yes, you loved being like this, sandwiched between your two favorite people, but you couldn’t deny that the body heat radiating from everyone, plus slight tackiness of sweaty skin against more sweaty skin made you want to cringe. And as much as you loved the idea of Jaehyun’s cum staying inside of you, it was slowly beginning to trickle down your thigh, further contributing to your growing discomfort.

“I need to shower,” You finally mumbled, rubbing your eyes sleepily, before pouting. Looking around the motel room, you noted that it was dingy enough, you didn’t want to imagine the bathroom. “How bad is the bathroom?”

Jaehyun groaned, hand coming to rub at his forehead in disdain.

“Oh, it’s fuckin’ nasty.”

“...Shit.”

[moonstone-blues]

A Spark By The River - Chapter 9: Red And Blue

“Jesus, Blue. You look like hell.”

“Thanks.”

River chuckled as she sniffled. She had dark bags under her eyes, her skin was pale, hair dishevelled and a red nose.

River and Piper had met up a few streets away from Diamond City. After a rough night, River and Nick decided to split up to try and find a fusion core. Nick would look in the more irradiated places and River would go with Piper to try and find one amongst the ruins of the city. Nick still wasn’t comfortable letting River go alone and while he didn’t exactly trust Piper with the details of the case, Codsworth was busy helping make Sanctuary more comfortable for the settlers there and Preston was busy trying to set up some sort of line of communication.

Once Piper heard that there was a chance she could get herself in the story, she didn’t hesitate to grab her bag. River was concerned about Nat but Piper assured her she would be fine on her own for a bit. And if she needed anything, Arturo was only around the corner. He didn’t always agree with Piper but he couldn’t say no to helping a kid.

Piper nudged River with her elbow as the two began to walk.

“I didn’t get much sleep.” River admitted with a shrug. She had tried but it just felt… Wrong. Knowing she would wake up and Jack wouldn’t be beside her… She couldn’t. Not yet.

“Nick keeping you up with all his nagging?” Piper joked, using her hand as a puppet and pretending to talk.

River giggled, shaking her head. “He’s been nagging me to get some sleep."

"I remember when he used to do that with me.” Piper thought back.

As they navigated through the streets, River noticed that Piper was less careful than Nick, only occasionally ducking behind something when a noise was heard. Whether that was because of River or just their normal strategies, River didn’t know.

Footsteps sounded. They were slow. River quickly ducked into an alleyway, pulling Piper beside her. The footsteps became quicker. River could guess it was an animal by the sound of two feet hitting the ground at once. A blur of green whizzed past. Piper recoiled.

“Mutants.” Piper whispered to herself.

“Those big green men?” River questioned.

“If they have a hound out, there’s probably one close by.” She explained.

“They have dogs?!” River exclaimed in a quiet voice. More things she didn’t know about them, great!

“You can get a zoology lesson later, we need to go.” Piper turned around. Upon looking down the alleyway, it branching off at the bottom, she groaned.

“I should really scout out this area more.”

“Is there anywhere specifically we need to go?” River questioned walking down the alleyway.

Piper followed her, trying to come up with a solution in her head. “West would probably be best but I don’t know which path-”

“That one.” River said, pointing to the one on the right.

“But won’t that take us back the way we came?” Piper asked, looking down it.

“For a bit.” River nodded. “But it will make a ‘U’ shape taking us back up. The alley ahead leads to a dead end and the one on the left goes back to the same road.”

Piper blinked in astonishment.

River smiled sheepishly as she began to walk down the alley.

“Hey, you spend hours navigating alleys with Nick.” River chuckled.

“Okay, maybe a little nagging from Nick is okay.” Piper admitted with a defeated shrug. “But don’t tell sixteen year old me that.”

It was River’s turn to be astonished. “You knew Nick at sixteen?"

Piper raised an eyebrow. "How long do you think Nick’s been in Diamond City?"

River shrugged as she carefully stepped over a fallen trash can. Piper and her had to hold their noses at the putrid stench of it’s rotten contents. When they were a good enough distance away, River responded.

"I don’t know.” River shrugged. “I know he was there when the Mayor’s daughter went missing…”

Piper’s face lit up. “He told you the 'beep’ story?"

River laughed, nodding. "Can you imagine it?"

"Oh I would give anything to have been there at the time.” Piper grinned. “That was about two mayors ago.”

“Oh wow. A long time then.” River stated.

The two made their way around a corner, spotting a small playground just ahead. The two looked at each other before walking ahead.

“Ugh I hate these places.” Piper shivered as she opened the, surprisingly still working, gate and walked into the park. “How did kids used to play here?"

"Believe it or not, not everywhere used to be an apocalyptic Wasteland full of raiders and green feral dogs.” River joked, walking up to a climbing frame that looked like a spaceship. She poked her head inside.

“Well it was also full of weird space monkeys.” Piper shrugged.

River tried to pull her head out of the spaceship but she accidently hit it on the top, not realising how small the entrance actually was. She let out a pained yelp as she held her head, carefully pulling it away. She rubbed her head as she turned to Piper who was stifling a laugh.

“Space monkey?” River said through her winces. She then realised what Piper meant. “Oh! Jangles the moon monkey!” She exclaimed. She double checked her hand to see if there was any blood. Couldn’t be too careful.

Piper snickered as she raised an eyebrow. “Jangles? Moon Monkey?"

"Yeah, he was a TV show character, I think. There’s toys of him, too. I was thinking of getting Shaun one but their faces are just…” River cringed. “Besides, they cost thirty dollars."

"So… He wasn’t an actual space monkey?” Piper questioned, leaning against an old slide, hearing sticks and leaves crunch under her feet.

“Moon monkey.” River reminded. “And no. He’s just a character.”

“And I thought I had pre war times all figured out…” Piper shook her head with a sigh. A thought suddenly hit her as she looked back up at River.

“You know a lot about pre war times, right?” Piper asked, a grin beginning to form on her face.

“I did live there all my life.” River said plainly. This wasn’t new information to Piper. Seeing Piper’s full grin was a big give away of what was going through her mind.

“Another paper?” River chuckled.

“Perhaps…” Piper said suspiciously. “The ghouls I manage to talk to don’t really go into detail. Besides… you’re relatively fresh.”

River smiled, giving Piper a side glance, seeing the reporter smirk.

“If you’ve seen any old posters, probably like that.” River simply told her.

“So… Space monkeys?” Piper teased with a laugh.

River gently pushed Piper, not helping herself as she giggled along. Once Piper reegainedd her composure, she took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m sorry. But seriously, what was it like?” Piper genuinely asked.

“Well… ever hear of the ‘American Dream’?” River began walking towards the swings.

“Kinda. I’ve seen a few pictures with that on. But I don’t get it. They’re all just families having dinner.“

“That’s kind of the point.” River examined the swing, checking if it could take her weight. She continued.

“Families being happy, just living their life. No worries, no stress. Everyone has equal opportunities and has the same value of life.”

“Sure sounds like a dream.” Piper rolled her eyes, sitting on the swing, not checking if it was safe herself. “How did people possibly believe that could happen?”

River shrugged, carefully sitting on the swing. She gently began to swing back and forth. “It was a way to distract people from the war. So much was going on. Everyone was clinging to what was left of our country. And that was the American Dream.” River sighed. “Maybe if we all weren’t so focused on a pretend picture perfect life, we could’ve been more prepared…” River clenched her fists. She quickly relaxed, softening her facial expression.

“Sorry… I guess my husband’s feelings on this rubbed off on me…” River chuckled. “He was a military man.”

“Like the Brotherhood?” Piper asked.

River hesitated. “Kind of…”

“But without the super mutant and ghoul bloodlust.” Piper added. “Oh, and don’t forget the ‘will literally kill people for technology’ mentality.” She shook her head. “Anyway, got any specific details? Like your life?” Piper asked.

“My life?” River raised an eyebrow as she stopped swinging.

“Well, yeah. We still don’t know each other that well.” Piper explained. "Promise this one’s not going in the paper.”

“Well I was kinda middle to high class, I would say.” River thought back to her childhood. “Had a loving dad, a money obsessed mom and a boy crazy little sister.”

“You had a little sister?” Piper questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. The age gap wasn’t as big as you and Nat though. We only had four years between us.” River began to gently swing once more.

“Were you close?”

River chuckled. “Sometimes. One minute we would be laughing and close as ever then the next we would be at each other’s throats.” She then sighed, a look of shock suddenly appearing on her face. “God… the last thing we did before the bombs was fight…” She stopped on the swing, it now fully sinking in. “Shit…”

“You didn’t know.” Piper leaned over and put her hand on River’s shoulder.

“I just hope that she got to her vault in time…” River leaned back.

Though, that may have been worse for her, considering what the Vault had done to River. Maybe Jane’s vault was better…

She looked back to Piper who looked back, expectantly. River continued. “Anyway, yeah. Born and raised in Boston. Went to D.B Technical High School where I met my husband, went to college, university and eventually married. I had just given birth to Shaun a few months before the war. He kind of occupied most of my time.” She explained.

“I’ll bet.” Piper chuckled. “Harder than growing up with a little sister.”

“But before Shaun, I practised law.” River smiled, thinking back to her law degree that had managed to survive the nuclear war.

She wanted to wait until she had time to examine and fix her house but as her foot nudged the cracked glass encasing the degree, she couldn’t help but proudly place it back on display.

“A lawyer, huh?” Piper thought. “And… what was justice like back then?” She hoped it was even a slither better than what McDonough was 'enforcing’.

“It was a bunch of power hungry bastards locking up anyone they didn’t like or who got in their way.” River replied with an annoyed huff.

“Shit.” Piper chuckled. She knew it would be too good to be true. “So, not much has changed then.”

River defended herself. “I made sure everyone got a fair trial. They didn’t get rolled over by the system.”

Piper smirked. “Guardian of the downtrodden, huh?”

“That sounds like a new title for a paper.”

“Maybe.”

River laughed, getting up from the swing. She pretended to swing a sword.

“Trial by combat. I rocked up thirty kills in my day.” She grinned. Of course, she had done many more court cases but who was counting?

“Huh. Always wondered why pre-war courthouses had all that gladiator equipment just lying around.” Piper stood up herself.

“It doesn’t matter now, though. The American penal code burned up along with most of Boston…” River tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I have an idea.” Piper said, beginning to walk.

River followed, not knowing what to expect.“Oh God, what?”

“You know all about law.” Piper began.

“Where is this going?” River cautiously questioned.

“Diamond City is pretty bad when it comes to managing the law. Maybe next election you could… you know…”

River shot her a look.

“Y’know… after you find your son, of course.” Piper haphazardly added.

River carefully stepped around the fallen pieces of gate on the opposite side of the miniature park. “Where will you get your source of satire without McDonough then?”

“I’ll probably find some scandalous secret you want to keep buried.” Piper shrugged, moving on ahead. “Maybe you’re hiding some dirty little dungeon.”

“Ha ha.” River rolled her eyes. “So, any idea where we can find a fusion core?” She asked, looking around. The tall, decrepit apartments toward over the two as they gazed up.

Piper had a thought. “Fusion cores are pretty rare… we can either spend days searching every single building which are probably full of ghouls or we look in the only place that you can be certain to find them…” She groaned at her conclusion. “The Brotherhood. Well, we can’t exactly waltz onto their ship and politely ask for one of their precious fusion cores like squatters.”

River sighed, walking on. Everything was quiet. Eerily quiet.

“You okay if I put some music on? Shouldn’t be too loud.” River asked, holding up her pip boy.

Piper nodded.

River was about to select the Diamond City Radio but she noticed a new radio channel present on her pip boy.

“Military Frequency AF95.”

Piper walked behind River and peeked over her shoulder, her curiosity evident.

“-s Scribe Haylen of Reconnaissance Squad Gladius to any unit in transmission range. Authorization Arx. Ferrum. Nine. Five. Our unit has sustained casualties and we’re running low on supplies. We’re requesting support or evac from our position at Cambridge Police Station.”

“That sounds bad.” River said, tuning out the channel.

Piper nodded her head, agreeing. “Speak of the devil.” River raised her eyebrow in confusion. “She said she was… Scribe? Yeah. That’s a rank in the Brotherhood. Just leave it. They’ll be fine on their own.”

River rolled her eyes, checking her map. They weren’t that far away…

“Brotherhood or not, they need help.”

Piper watched as River continued to walk well into the city.

“Blue! You can’t just- They- Ugh!” Piper finally gave in, reluctantly chasing after River.

River navigated the streets of Boston carefully. Piper groaned as she squeezed herself in between a truck and a brick wall, sucking in her stomach as she tried to keep up with River.

“Nick warned me you were a runaway, but I didn’t think you were-” She took a deep breath as she moved away from the truck, following River up the main road which happened to lead into a large, open area. “-This bad.”

River chuckled, turned around. She rested a hand on her hip with a smirk. “What can I say? I’m-”

Piper glanced to the side as she heard growling. “Feral!” She pounced forward, pushing River down as a ghoul flew past them.

River yelled in pain as her head hit concrete. She looked ahead and saw Piper over her, smiling nervously.

“Sorry.”

River opened her mouth to respond but quickly stopped, pushing Piper away, raising her pistol and shooting a ghoul looming over her.

“Apologize later!”

Piper quickly stood up, while River scrambled to her feet, readying themselves. A few more ghouls were beginning to surround them as they had decided to check out where the loud noises were coming from.

“So much for being careful…” River muttered to herself. It was still going to take her a while to get used to safely navigating the city, no matter how much she had already learned.

The ghouls began to run. River and Piper backed up quickly. River looked around, spotting a nearby diner.

“Up there!”

River climbed onto a rusted old car, making sure Piper was following. She carefully balanced herself as she walked across a fallen lamppost. From the way they pounced carelessly and stumbled round, River could guess that they wouldn’t be elegant or coordinated enough to follow them. She managed to hop on top of the diner, thankful that it had managed to hold her weight. Piper was close behind, but so were the ghouls. She was only a couple feet away from the diner when a feral ghoul from below had jumped up, clawing at Piper. It caught her foot, causing her to lose her balance and fall off.

“Blue!”

River lunged forward and grabbed Piper’s arm, using all of her strength to try and pull her up. The ghoul was strong, however, it’s claw saught on Piper’s coat. Piper swung her foot, trying to shake or kick the ghoul off of her. River reached for her gun only to realise she forgot to holster it. She glanced behind her and saw it a few feet away, just out of reach.

“Dammit.”

She turned back to Piper, thoughts and decisions flying through her head.

“Piper, do you trust me?”

“What?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Why?”

“Sorry!”

River quickly let go of Piper, letting the woman fall with a short scream. She dived for her pistol, quickly grabbing it. She scrambled to the edge of the diner roof, spotting Piper trying to fight off a snarling, snapping ghoul. She winced, holding out what looked like the bumper of the car they had climbed on top of. She pressed it against the ghouls chest, keeping it in place, futilely swinging at her. River readied her weapon, took aim and then fired, piercing the ghoul’s head.

The gunshot alerted the couple other ghouls who were still trying to figure out how to reach their dinner on the rooftop. Not only that, but even more ghouls had started to emerge from the different buildings surrounding them. Piper chuckled nervously as she watched the dead eyes glare at her. She waved.

“Nice fer-”

River grabbed Piper’s raised arm, trying her best to hoist Piper up. Piper climbed onto the lamp post once she was high enough, letting River relax. Piper cautiously joined her. There was a moment of brief peace for the two before Piper reeled back, punching River in the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“I could’ve died!” Piper growled.

There was a pause. “But you… didn’t?” she shrugged. River had to admit her plan was absurd. Guess she was starting to get used to wastelander ways.

Piper opened her mouth to argue back but stopped herself, folding her arms.

“God, I see why Nick wanted to split for a bit.”

River let out a breathless chuckle, still panting. Piper raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

River took deep breaths. Piper gasped.

“I’m not that heavy!”

River finally gained her breath back and laughed. “Come on, let’s check our bullets and see if we can pick the rest of them off…”

After the two killed the rest of the ghouls, they carefully climbed down from the diner. They both cringed at the smell. Seemed like even people who were used to this could never get over the smell.

Piper covered her nose as she carefully made her way around the ghoul corpses. She took in her surroundings. “College Square. Explains why it stinks this much.”

River tilted her head slightly, confused. “Because of all the teenagers?” She chuckled to herself before realising Piper might not get the joke.

Piper raised her eyebrow at her before pointing away from them, her expression now serious. “No, because of that.”

River turned to where Piper was pointing and gasped.

During their fight, she didn’t notice… The dozens of decaying human corpses strewn about. A lot had been half eaten. And they had clearly been dead for a while.

River took a few steps back, feeling sick to her stomach. This was a massacre. Piper continued on her way, face screwing up as the smell became too much.

River quickly followed her. “All those people…” She mumbled.

“Raiders.” Piper stated. “You can tell by the gear.”

“Those ferals couldn’t have killed that many people.” River only counted about ten feral ghouls. She understood they could be vicious but no way they could cause that much carnage.

“The rest must’ve gone into the city.” Piper said in agreement. “I know they’re evil people who did horrible things but being eaten alive by ferals?” A shiver ran down her spine. “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

River nodded. “Yeah.”

As they neared the exit of College Square, they could hear gunshots. They carefully approached, seeing more ferals rushing towards a barricaded police station.

“That must be it.” River pointed out.

“Yeah, the Brotherhood look like they’ve got it all under co- Blue?” Piper looked beside her to see River gone. She turned back to see River had moved ahead, hiding behind a wall before taking shots at the ghouls.

Piper groaned. “Nick, you owe me big time for this…”

It seemed like the majority of ghouls were dead. A few bodies were around the station with the others obviously back in College Square. That explained why there weren’t that many the two had to deal with.

Piper ran forward but nearly tripped up when something grabbed her leg. She whipped her head around and yelped, seeing a legless ghoul clinging onto her. It wasn’t long before a bullet pierced it’s skull. Piper shook the arm off and ran towards River who was being surrounded by a small group of three ghouls. She stood there, watching them. And just before they were about the pounce, she quickly moved out of the way, letting the three ghouls attack each other. However, she wasn’t aware of her surroundings and ended up tripping over some debris from a nearby building. She fell to the ground only to be rushed at by another feral ghoul. She stuck her leg out, letting the ghoul run into it. She kept the ghoul at bay as it swung for her. She tried reaching for her pistol-

It was gone.

River groaned as she spotted it practically right underneath the tangle of ghouls just ahead of her. She really needed a bigger gun she wouldn’t lose.

She could hear Piper dealing with her own set of ghouls and it didn’t seem like the Brotherhood were going to leave their fortress.

The feral attacked whatever it could, scratching and sinking its nails into River’s leg. She bit back a scream as she desperately felt around for something- anything!

She didn’t take her eyes off the ghoul. Her leg made sure it’s head couldn’t reach down to bite her but that didn’t make her any less terrified.

She wasn’t going to end up like those raiders.

River eventually felt something sharp stab her hand. She gripped it tightly and let her leg drop for one second as she plunged the sharp thing into the ghoul’s head. It struggled for a moment more before falling limp. River took a deep and shaky breath, looking at the small, jagged pipe she had used as her weapon, sticking out of the now dead ghoul’s head. She stood up only to wince in pain as she put weight on her left leg. The battle seemed to be dying down but it wasn’t over. Luckily, the trio of ghouls she had previously escaped from seemed to be dead so River could quickly snatch her pistol back up. It took a few shots but eventually it seemed like the ghouls were all down.

River panted, her leg feeling weak. Piper jogged over.

“Blue!”

“Please tell me a scratch isn’t going to turn me into one.” River said, slightly limping as she approached Piper.

Piper shook her head. “No, but you should definitely get that looked at.”

“First, let’s make sure the Brotherhood people are okay.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure they’re all struggling in their impenetrable tin can suits and their fortified base.” Piper said with an eye roll. River shot her a displeased look. The two then made their way into the barricade.

There were three people outside the police station. A man wearing power armor covered in grime, a woman who was giving medical attention and the man she was giving it to.

“Are you guys okay?” River asked.

The man in the power armor turned to her. She would never get used to the height and sheer power that radiated from the suit alone, let alone the hardened soldiers that wore it. He reloaded his weapon.

“We appreciate the assistance, civilians. But what’s your business here?"

"We heard your distress signal.” River explained with a small smile. “We were close by so we thought we should help.”

“Don’t drag me into this.” Piper whispered under her breath.

The man raised an eyebrow. “Close by? You’re not from a settlement, are you?”

“Don’t answer that.” Piper quickly spoke to River.

River looked back at the woman then to the soldier. She wanted to help but she also had to be cautious. “Why do you want to know?”

He didn’t answer.

“We’ve done our good deed, let’s go.” Piper whispered, trying to rush River.

River sighed. “I’m from up north west. I… came out of a vault. Vault 111.”

“A vault Dweller? Most people wouldn’t admit that.” He finally spoke.

“Now can you tell me what you’re doing in the area? Not everyday you see someone wearing mint condition t-60 power armor.” River looked the man up and down. Even her suit wasn’t as clean. The Brotherhood didn’t seem like any other group in the Commonwealth.

“You know about power armor?” The man said, shocked. Most wastelanders had never even heard of power armor, let alone pick out a specific model.

River hesitated for a moment. “My husband was around power armor a lot while he was in the line of duty.”

The man smiled for the first time. “Ah, it’s good to know we have the assistance from an ally of the Brotherhood of Steel.”

“Well, not-” River tried to explain.

“If I appear suspicious it’s because our mission here has been difficult. Since the moment we arrived in the Commonwealth, we’ve been constantly under fire.” He looked to River, smiling. “If you want to continue pitching in, we could use an extra gun on our side.”

Piper was slowly shaking her head, eyes narrowed. River sighed, trying to ignore her objections.

“I want to help but I don’t like the secrecy. Who are you?"

"Very well.” The man stood, proud. “I’m paladin danse.” He gestured to the two other people behind him. “Over there is Scribe Haylen and Knight Rhys. We’re on recon duty, but I’m down a man and our supplies are running low. I’ve been trying to send a distress call to my superiors, but the signal’s too weak to reach them.”

“The distress call we found.”

“Correct.”

An unsure voice made River turn her attention to the woman, Scribe Haylen. “Sir, if I may?"

"Proceed, Haylen.”

“I’ve modified the radio tower on the roof of the police station, but I’m afraid it just isn’t enough. What we need is something that will boost the signal.” She explained. Her eyes then fixated on River’s leg. “You’ve been injured!"

River looked down at her leg before looking up at Scribe Haylen. "Just feral ghoul scratches, it only really hurts when I walk.”

“Despicable creatures.” Danse spat. “Haylen, take her inside. See what you can do.”

“Yes sir.”

“What about me?” The other man who hadn’t yet spoke loud enough for River to hear cried.

“I’ve done all I can, now you need to rest.” Haylen told him. “Come on.” She gestured for River to follow her.

“We’ll tell you about our mission once we’re inside.” Danse explained, walking to the entrance of the police station. He helped Rhys up before taking him inside.

Before River could move, Piper grabbed her shoulder and whispered.

“Blue, this is crazy!”

“I know, what I’ve heard of the Brotherhood isn’t good but this is my chance to get a fusion core.” River explained. “You said it yourself: we either spend what could be days going through every ghoul filled apartment or we can get one straight from the Brotherhood.”

“What do you even need this core for?!” Piper questioned.

River paused, confused. “Nick didn’t tell you?"

Piper threw her hands up in the air with a groan. "No! Do you think he tells me anything about his cases?!”

River sighed. She thought for a moment. She didn’t want the Institute to get a whiff of their plan…

But she did kind of owe Piper for dropping her in front of a feral ghoul.

“I need to use power armor to go into the Glowing Sea.” River began.

“The Glow- Why?!"

"There’s an Institute scientist who went rogue. He can help me find a way in.”

Piper’s confusion and annoyance turned into a child-like glee as her mouth stretched into a grin.

“You’re going to talk to. An Institute. Scientist?” She asked slowly.

“You can’t tell anyone.” River warned. “I can’t let the Institute get to him first.”

“My lips are sealed.” Piper 'zipped’ her lips shut to emphasise her point.

“Also I’m kind of bleeding out a little so I need them to patch me up.” River pointed out with a shrug.

“Come on.” Piper pulled River’s arm over her shoulder and started to walk, making sure she didn’t put much weight on her leg. “Let’s get you a fusion core.”

[disloopy]

the heart is deceiving pt 4

BLOO

genre: angst, fluff, smut

word count: 1.7k

coming back to this fic after monthsss made me realize how shit and cringe it is and oh my god, you all deserve much better writing. yuck. HOWEVER, i will keep posting it until it's finished ( since id already written the whole thing ) because i do kind of like the ending sooo

pls stay w me cause im working on a sik k friends to lovers au and i know it's gonna be way better than whatever the hell this is...

clubbing really takes a toll on you, physically and mentally. i didn't even drink but i managed to have a headache by the night. i stumbled through the crowd, approaching the counter and slumping down in the seat. the bartender asked if i needed anything and i only ordered some water. she left to get it. 

my phone buzzed with a text from my dad, saying he might not be home tonight because of work. "oooh, that's exciting," said daniel, glancing at the text and sliding into the seat next to mine. he asked the bartender for something that sounded pretty intense and i gulped down my water.

"live a little," daniel urged, offering me the dark liquid but i shook my head. "ugh, you're so annoying and uptight." i rolled my eyes.

"thanks. that's sweet."

"kiss me."

"no."

"why?" daniel asked, pouting. 

"cause you're drunk as fuck and i hate the taste," i told him, trying to walk away but daniel grabbed my hand, turning me around. i pulled my arm away from him with a frown. "will you stop following me around like a lost puppy?" 

"i get worried when you're not with me." 

"yeah, i know," i said, reaching for my phone and showing it him. "you probably can't read but you know what says? 17 missed calls and 51 unread messages..." daniel grinned sheepishly but i wasn't finding it funny. "i was right next to you, daniel... i get that's it kinda dark in here but there's no way you could have missed me." 

daniel stuck out his bottom lip. "i just didn't want you to get lost, that's all. there's lots of creepy dudes here, they'll pick up anything with boobs." i groaned.

"stop. this isn't funny, it's an obsession and i don't like it." 

i tried to leave again and again daniel tried to pull me back but this time jojo got in between us, noticing the tension. "what the hell is going on here?" she asked, her voice trembling like she had just finished crying. i looked at her. her eyeliner was slightly smudged which gave me the answer right away.

"she won't let me love her," daniel whined.

"you only love me when you're drunk," i murmured and then jojo convinced daniel to go away for little while which he finally complied. the two of us sat on the curb outside the club, just on the sidewalk where we could still here the muffled sound of the music inside.

"what's wrong?" i asked her. she's usually the one comforting me and giving advice, so it was strange to be switching roles.

"boys are so complicated," she answered, blowing a puff of smoke into the dark of the night. "were you the one who gave my number to jinyoung?"

i nodded. "i'm sorry if i wasn't supposed to... i thought he was cute and you're cute and things could maybe..."

"it's not that," said jojo, taking a swig of the bottle she was holding. "did you know he loves me? he told me that."

"i just assumed..." i shrugged. jojo buried her face in her hands and i furrowed my brows. "jojo... you don't have to cry about it. you can choose the man you like... it doesn't have to be either." 

she sniffed, looking up and wiping her tears. "i know... i just feel so bad. i just like to fuck around and stuff but what if i'm actually catching feelings? nick called me babe.... what's it like to be in a relationship?"

i chuckled. "it's not all that... trust me, i feel like i'm not even in a proper one." we both laughed a little and the air felt lighter. "what are you going to do?"

jojo shrugged. "what i always do... nothing. besides i'm receiving clout from hanging out with these rappers so," she laughed and the smell of cigarettes just filled my nostrils. "why do i have to be so hot that boys are just tripping over themselves for me?" we talked for a little bit about how boys suck but also about which ones we'd smash because they can be fine sometimes too.

"it's fun when you're around," jojo told me with a smile. "daniel really bought out the wild side of you." i nodded and jojo leaned over, pressing her chapped lips against mine for a fleeting second before pulling away. 

"heyyyy, is it too late for a show?" daniel chuckled, walking over to us. "oh come on, keep going, don't mind me." 

"you're disgusting," jojo said, shaking her head and shoving him as he tried to put his arm around both of our shoulders. 

"i gotta go home anyway," i informed the both of them. "my head hurts and we got school... i haven't finished homework yet." 

"good luck with that," said jojo, brushing off her jeans and walking back into the club after ruffling me and daniel's hair. 

daniel rested his head on my shoulder. "i can drop you home." i sighed.

"you're too drunk to drive."

"we can test our limits." 

i ended up driving myself home in daniel's car while he blasted music and sang the lyrics out loud. then, i let him inside my house even though i told myself i wouldn't when we first got into the car. it was my foolish self who held his hand all the way to my bedroom and lied in bed with him until we let our bodies do the talking and our sounds created music in the silence of the night. i slept knowing he was right beside me, his arms wrapped around my waist, his bare chest slowly rising and falling to the rhythm of his  beating heart. he was safe and i was safe and we were each other's for the night.

***

"honey, are you decent, can i come in?" dad's knocking the door woke me up with a start. i quickly sat upright and shook daniel awake who just groaned. 

"um yeah, one second." i pushed him off the bed and his eyes shot open, about to complain but i hushed him, ushering him to get under the mattress which he obeyed. "come in!"

dad opened the door and i tried not to look nervous at all. "sorry i wasn't here last night." i didn't reply cause it was usual. "but i made breakfast for you and i wanted to tell you to have a good sunday before i leave to run some errands."

i smiled. that was the first time he'd said something like that. "okay daddy, i love you."

"i love you too baby."

when dad finally left, i let daniel come out of hiding. he clutched his head and i had to get him some tylenol and water before i let him eat breakfast with me. "did something happen last night?" he asked, eagerly digging into the pancakes. "cause you never allow me in your room and i just woke up in your bed."

i shrugged with a sly smile. "oops?" 

"well, whatever it was, i'm sure it was good."

"do you not remember anything?"

daniel shook his head. "nope." good, i thought, breathing out a sigh of relief. i was a major bitch to him last night - understandably. but i hoped it was something of the past that wouldn't ruin anything.

"i wish i could stay with you but i have to go to the studio today," daniel informed me while putting his clothes on. "jinyoung's like... totally diligent and he may be my friend but he's also my manager so." 

i giggled. "yeah, i get it." i handed him a water bottle to drink on the way back and he kissed my lips very gently. "i'll miss you."

"you can see me tonight. there's another party, i can pick you up."

"no, i have homework to do today."

"righttt, you're still in school." daniel chuckled, pulling his shoes on. "sexy schoolgirl." i rolled my eyes and kissed him once again at the doorway. i lowkey didn't want him to leave because i spent most of my weekend with him already and didn't want to be alone again.

"i'll visit you tonight... at your window." 

i was glad he left me with those words because it gave me something to look forward to tonight. i didn't go out at all that day. jojo came over and we did our homework together and we never usually did something like that but i enjoyed it.

she showed me her texts with jinyoung which we squealed over because i never realized how smoking hot he was until then. besides, he was good at flirting, just like daniel. 

when jojo left after eating dinner (which was thai takeout), i felt that loneliness again. no one was home but me so i decided to watch tv and maybe study for my next exam. life is quite boring like this but at least daniel would visit me tonight after the party.

i waited and waited and waited. he didn't show up. i called him a bunch of times but he didn't pick up. obviously he was partying too hard but i just wished he hadn't promised me something if he couldn't pull through. 

i sighed and lied in bed, still waiting. but he didn't come so i ended up falling asleep.

about 3am in the morning, my phone buzzed beside me. i groggily answered it. if the caller had been anyone other than daniel i wouldn't have. "hello?"

"babe?"

"hmm?"

i heard daniel breathe out on the other end. "sorry for leaving you hanging..."

"it's okay," i murmured, too sleepy to say anything else or to guilt trip him. "i guess you drank too much at the party."

there was a pause. "no... i actually didn't go to the party." 

"seriously?" i giggled sleepily. "that's hard to believe."

"yeahhh... i didn't feel up to it," daniel chuckled quietly on the other end. i felt my mind wander but then it was bought back. "i wanna sing my song to you." 

"go ahead," i whispered, holding the phone close to my face as i closed my eyes. the song started with something like "you're my downtown baby" and i couldn't remember the rest. i was too focused on how soothing his voice sounded over the phone while he sang.

after a couple minutes. "baby... are you still awake?"

"mhm," i replied. it felt like my mind was asleep but daniel's voice could keep me up all night long. 

"i'm moving back to korea."

[avengerscompound]

Finding Home - Chapter 3

Finding Home: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist Previous //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x OFC (Daisy Adams)

Word Count:  2509

Warnings:  Angst, mentions of torture, violence, major character death, mentions of sexual abuse/rape, pregnancy, smut (vaginal sex, oral sex, pregnancy sex, Bisexual MMF threesome)

Synopsis:  Daisy Adams has abilities. She can read minds. Force her thoughts onto others. As a child, she is taken by Hydra and raised as a weapon. Daisy finds another and speaks to him in his dreams. He has been taken too. He wants to return to the man he loves. Can she get them back together? Will she even want to once she realizes that she’s falling in love?

Chapter 3

Bucky and I were awakened by the sound of his words blasting over the loudspeaker. It was deafening.

Сильное желание

Bucky started chanting the word ‘no’ over and over, as he scrambled to pull his pants on. I, on the other hand, kept chanting the word 'shit’.

Проржавевший

I pulled some clothes on and went to Bucky. He was crouched on the floor, covering his ears in a futile attempt to block out the sound.

Семнадцать

I started putting in the mental barriers.

Рассвет

“Daisy. Please. Don’t let them take me.” Bucky pleaded with me. He wanted me to kill him. I could see it clearly in his head.

Печь

I took his face in my hands. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. This is the last time.”

Девять

“What if I never see you again?”

Доброкачественная

I kissed him. It broke my heart. My head was full of the thought 'don’t project this dread you’re feeling on him’.

Возвращение домой

“You’ll be free, Bucky. You won’t ever have to do this again.”

Один

I pulled him to his feet. We needed to make this look professional.

Грузовой автомобиль

“готов подчиняться” The Winter Soldier said. Bucky was gone.

I grabbed the briefing manual from my desk and start drilling him with his instructions as I countered them in my head. Soldiers filed in rifles pulled. I could feel their doubt. They had expected me to have set Bucky against them. Not a bad idea really. Bucky could have gotten out of here if I’d done that. I’m not sure I would have been so lucky.

I finished the briefing and turned to them pressing the thought that I am both trustworthy and in charge onto them. They lowered their weapons.

“I guess we better get on with it then.” I snapped, pushing past the soldiers. “Soldier.”

Bucky followed me. I touched on his mind, and it’s full of murder. Full of the Winter Soldier.

I took him to the armory. I hadn’t actually been in there since I was a kid. He pushed past me and started dressing fully in his leather armor. Brian came up behind me.

“What were you doing with him in your room?” He asked.

“What I was told. Keeping his mind blank. Getting rid of whoever it was he used to be.”

“Why didn’t you do it in the lab?”

I rolled my eyes. “Because we were fucking all night.” I snarked. “I wanted to be comfortable. What’s it to you anyway? He was my responsibility. Not yours. He’s ready to go. What more do you want?”

I saw what the mention of fucking does in his head. The things he would do to me if he could. It made me sick.

I moved away from him. Rumlow handed me a bullet-proof vest and I pulled it on and he pushed me into the back of one of the trucks.

I was taken with a group to SHIELD. Stepping out of the truck was like walking into a dream. I don’t remember ever feeling the sun on my skin before. I stood there blinking, taking deep breaths. Rumlow took me by the arm and I was dragged inside again.

We filed upstairs and into a control room. Many of the men I am with are known SHIELD agents. No one suspected anything of us. I scanned the room, most of the people here are good people. There is hope.

Standing in the back of the room I watched the numbers count down to whatever this is. I considered pushing the order to cancel the countdown. I was just about to when a voice came over the loudspeaker.

“Attention all SHIELD agents, this is Steve Rogers. You’ve heard a lot about me over the last few days. Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down, but I think it’s time, to tell the truth. SHIELD is not what we thought it was. It’s been taken over by Hydra. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The S.T.R.I.K.E. and Insight crew are Hydra as well. I don’t know how many more, but I know they’re in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want. Absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won’t end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, Hydra will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way. Unless we stop them. I know I’m asking a lot, but the price of freedom is high. It always has been. And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And if I’m the only one, then so be it, but I’m willing to bet I’m not.”

I smiled. The minds of everyone are in turmoil. I pressed the need to listen to Steve into those who are most open to it. Rumlow walked over to one of the agents on the controls.

“Pre-empt the launch codes. Send those ships up now.” Rumlow barked.

The agent was terrified. I pushed into him the need to fight him.

“Is there a problem?” Rumlow asked.

The agent shook his head and stuttered a reply. I took a step towards him. Pushing harder. Pushing into the room. LISTEN TO STEVE.

“Is there a problem?” Rumlow yelled.

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m not going to launch those ships.” The man stuttered.

Can you feel both more relaxed and more tense at the same time? That’s how I felt. They were fighting. That’s what I wanted. I was now in more danger than I’d ever been.

“Captain’s orders.” The agent said, a little more forceful than before.

Rumlow raised his gun, pointing it at the agents head. I tried to press into him the need to back down, he’s stronger than a lot of Hydra, he believed in the cause. “Move away from your station.” He barked.

Another agent drew her gun, pointing it at Rumlow. “Like he said.”

There was a sudden flurry of movement, Hydra versus SHIELD. I backed up against the wall. I tried pushing calm into the room but my own fear got mixed in with it. Everyone was on edge.

“Captain’s orders.” The woman said.

“You picked the wrong side, agent,” Rumlow growled.

“Depends on where you’re standing.”

Rumlow dropped his gun. Maybe I was wrong, and my push had worked. It took less than thirty seconds for me to find out I was wrong. He pulled a knife slashing at the agent. A gun battle broke out.

“Adams calm the room!” Rumlow yelled at me as he typed the launch code into the computer. “Do your job.”

“Fuck you,” I yelled back. Pushing the need to fight harder.

Rumlow was chased from the room. I went to block him. He picked me up and threw me. That’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up in a hospital. There were guards on the door and I was strapped to the bed. I scanned the room to find out what had happened. There seemed to be a lot of confusion, but the helicarriers had been taken out. That was something.

I called to one of the guards. He gave me a withering look.

“I need to speak to Steve Rogers,” I said.

He laughed at me. I pushed. “I need to speak to Steve Rogers.”

He left the room.

This carried on for days. I never answered anyone, just said I needed to speak to Steve Rogers. They’d go to get him, but because they couldn’t convince people the way I could, nothing happened.

I was moved to a prison facility. Kept in my own cell. They’d started to be able to tell that there was something more to me than just some Hydra agent. The fact so many people seemed so strongly influenced by me to get Steve Rogers made them suspicious. They started running tests on me. I didn’t care. I never spoke to anyone. I think they must have found the reports on me at Hydra at some point because they very clearly started calling my telepathic at one point.

I was sitting on my bunk scanning the people around me as I often did. I’d been here for two months now. I still hadn’t spoken to anyone except to say I needed to speak to Steve Rogers.

I felt him before I saw him. The cocky self-assuredness, surrounded by the blanket of pain and fear. My door opened.

“Well hello there. Daisy isn’t it? They tell me that’s your name.” A man stood in the door. He was only just a little taller than me, with dark hair and a dark goatee beard. His suit was a dark blue and tailored to fit him perfectly. He waved the guards away and came and sat next to me. He was cocky. I’d give him that.

“I need to speak to Steve Rogers.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard. Do you know who I am?”

I looked at him, scanning his mind. He knew Steve. I could see it clearly. I needed to co-operate with this man. “Tony Stark. You like to think of yourself as Iron Man though. I don’t know what that means. I also don’t care. I need to speak to Steve Rogers.”

“See that doesn’t help. I don’t know if you actually read my mind then or if you just know who I am. Most people just know who I am.”

I looked at him. “I need to speak …”

He held up his hand to shush me. “Steve Rogers. I know. Look, Uri Geller. I’m here to help. I can get you to Cap. I need to know why though. I need to know for sure you’re what they say you are.  I also need to know you aren’t a threat.”

I pushed the words straight into his head. I NEED TO TALK TO STEVE ROGERS.

He sat back startled. “That was a neat trick. Tell me this. I’m thinking of a number between one and one million.”

“Seven,” I said quickly. “No, you just changed it to 14,789.  Now you’re wondering how much I can see.  I can see everything, Mr Stark.  Would you like me to show you?  I would consider seeing someone for that PTSD.  The things you’ve seen …”

He looked at me sadly and I stopped talking.  

“Daisy, they say you’re pregnant. Who’s the daddy?”

I didn’t answer.

“Would you tell Cap?”

I nodded.

“Well come on then, let’s get you out of here.”

Stark took me to a tower in New York. It had the words 'The Avengers’ plastered on the side. I was given a room. He said I wasn’t a prisoner, and I was able to walk around on this one floor. None of the windows opened for me though and I couldn’t call the elevator. At least there were windows I guess. It was nice being able to see the sun.

I stood pressed up against the glass letting the warmth radiate against my skin when he entered the room. I turned excitedly.

“Steve?”

“They told me you’ve been looking for me. Do I know you?” A tall, muscular man stood in the middle of the room. This man did not look like Steve Rogers. He was much, much bigger.

“You’re not Steve Rogers. Stop lying to me. I need to speak to him.”

He chuckled. “Who were you expecting?”

“Steve is a little guy. You aren’t him. Tony said I could speak to him. Get him for me.”

“Who are you? Who told you I was a little guy?” I didn’t know why he was lying. Did they want to trick me to come clean? How was he projecting that he was Steve Rogers so loudly too? I could normally see past that kind of petty lie.

“No one told me you were a little guy. I know Steve Rogers is a little guy because I’ve seen him.” I pushed the image of Steve into this man’s head. He staggered back like I’d punched him in the guts.

“That’s me. Before the serum. Who are you?”

The serum. Of course. Like they’d given Bucky. I scanned his mind, he was thinking about the day he’d taken it. It was Steve. I ran over to him.

“Did you find Bucky? Is he okay?”

He grabbed my arms, squeezing them painfully. “What do you know about Bucky?” He was so angry at me. I don’t know why, but it hurt my head.

So I told him. I told him my whole life story. How I’d grown up talking to Bucky in his sleep. How Bucky’s love for him and kept me going. How I’d started protecting his mind. How we spoke in his dreams. About that night we spent together.

“Stark said you were pregnant,” Steve said. He looked like he was in pain.

I nodded.

“That baby; It’s Bucky’s.” He said. It was more of a statement than a question. I answered him anyway.

“Yes.” It was then I realized, Bucky hadn’t stayed with Steve. “You don’t know where he is.” I felt defeated. Alone and broken. Whatever I did hadn’t worked properly.

He led me to the couch and sat down with me. “We’ve been looking. He leaves trails, but they keep coming up empty.” He put his hands on my stomach like he might feel something even though I’m only a couple of months pregnant. I probed his mind and see how much he loves Bucky too. How him touching me is a way to connect to his friend. He wouldn’t even consciously know that if I asked, but that’s why he did it. It made me want to cry. I put my hands on his and let him feel the strange and alien brain activity of the life growing in me. It’s primitive and doesn’t mean much, but I wanted to share it with him.

He looked up at me. “What’s that you’re doing?” He’s worried I’m trying to mess around with his mind. I break the connection.

“Sorry. That was the baby. I know it feels weird. I just thought you might like to feel it too. Because …” I press the image of Bucky into his mind.

He softened, his hands stroked over mine like he was trying to reassure me that I did nothing wrong. “You loved him.”

I nodded. “I want Bucky to know the baby. He’d choose you over me, but I still …” I shook my head. “It’s a piece of both of us.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I’m glad he had you. The thought of him being alone for all those years …” He trailed off.

“Even without me, he had you. It was all dreams anyway. I think I just made it worse for him.”

Steve smiled at me. It was sad, but in his head, he felt happy. Happy his friend had kept the thought of them together close all these years. “Come on. Let me introduce you to the others.”

// NEXT

[elegant-phff]

Two.Was I Not Good Enough?

Alexandra Larsson

February of 2015

The sun shined brightly against her bedroom's window.Alexandra's eyes fluttered open and she slowly woke up.She took a deep breath,happy to finally get a free day after so long.With the increase in her popularity,her demand in the industry also increased.At first she was ecstatic at the thought of her new popularity.That's what I have always wanted,she used to think in the beginning.Slowly but surely,she started to dread all the attention.It seemed like the people were even more interested to pry in her life.Every gossip/hollywood media outlet dug hungrily for dirt on her.Fortunately for her,she didn't have that deep of any secret.The only information they found that was worth sharing for them was the fact that her father was in the military only a few years ago.Taking part in UN Peacekeeping missions and wars.The world was not so surprisingly shocked about the revelation.An actress coming from a military is not really common. Also she has always been private about her life because she was strictly instructed not to talk about her father's profession as it may end up being harmful.People have a lot of opinions about her background,she precisely ignored most of the comments on the internet.Unfortunately,Alexandra was a curious person...too curious for her own good.She may or may not have walked in on her sister and future brother-in-law planning their future early or being intimate in other words."You are getting side tracked author,"says everyone reading the story right now.Yes I broke the fourth wall,anyways back to the internet..."Oh my god,she is such a disrespect to her father.He used to risk his life to protect the country and she is acting in movies and dressing in slutty clothes,"One user said on twitter.It actually made her laugh how it's 2015 and people still aren't respectful to this industry.Yes,sometimes its dark,she believea the conspiracy theory that Beyonce is the leader of the illuminati but she'd rather keep her mouth shut.Now,another user said," I think it is great how her family is appreciates her dreams and allowed her to pursue this career."That comment made her smile.'There are still nice and supportive people out there Alexa,'She thought to herself.

Sighing she got out of her bed.For other people it was an ordinary Thursday,but for the Larsson and Jonas family,it was two days before Summer and Nick get married.Saying that Alexa was happy was an understatement.She was over the moon,not only had she set them up but those two were two of the most important people in her life.Her heart swelled with happiness when she'd see them together.She could only hope that she and Henry would also have a future like them.Alexandra was obviously the Maid of Honour(the decision being completely confirmed after Alexa threatened to reveal to the guests all of their embarrassing adventures)and she had asked Henry to be her date to the wedding,to which he gladly agreed.

Discarding her clothes she hopped into the shower.Feeling her muscles relax under the warm water she went through her errands for the day.The girls --- which included the bride, the bridesmaids and her mother,were going to be staying her her place till the wedding.Her house was big enough to hold that amount of people and seeing that she lived alone it was no problem.She made a mental note to clean her house,first thing after having breakfast.She was in no mood to face her mother's wrath for not keeping her house in order.Turning the shower off,she hopped off the shower and wrapped a towel along her body.She changed into a comfortable hoodie and a pair of yoga pants.She grabbed her phone before moving towards her kitchen.She started making herself chocolate chip pancakes and a cup of hot coffee.Anyone who knew Alexandra Larsson,they'd know how much she loved her coffee.She couldn't properly function without coffee and her day could never start without a cup of really strong caffeine.Quickly finishing her breakfast,Alexa arranged her house,knowing her friends and family would make an appearance soon.

The first one to appear was her sister.The soon to be bride clearly stressed out over last minute arrangements.Alexa tried her best to calm her older sister as much as possible,although she knew,no matter what,the couple would be anxious and nervous up until they are in the aisle.The next people arriving at her door step were Natasha,Natalie,Isla,Tinashe and Ammy --- her sister's bestfriends,also her bridesmaids.The last one to arrive was her mother,who was looking over the last minutes changes.Throughout the day the girls shared laughs,smiles and ultimately helping Summer calm her nerves.Throughout the whole day Alexa noticed the shine in her eyes.That look in her sister's eyes made Alexa almost cry.She was genuinely so happy for her sister.Summer deserved all the happiness she was receiving.Prior to the year Nick and her got together,she suffered a terrible heartbreak from her first love.Summer had found out that he was using her to make his ex-girlfriend jealous and their relationship lasted longer than he'd wanted to.Unfortunately,her sister had fallen for that guy in that short period of time.

The next day was the bridal shower,also known as the bachelorette's party.She was strictly instructed by her sister to not include strippers in her plans.Although she hadn't had the idea in her mind,she pretended to consider it just to tease her sister."Come on,let loose!it's your last day as a single lady...you gotta enjoy yourself!"Alexa exclaimed dragging her sister to the bar of the yacht they were in.Alexa was already tipsy... much to her future self's dismay."Okay,okay!"Her sister shouted over the loud music,surrendering to her.Everyone in the yacht   chanted 'shots!shots!shots!'Summer was giggly and swaying from side to side in a not so gracious way,the plastic tiara almost falling off' her head.After the party was over Alexa helped her sister to bed.

The next day,which was the wedding day was busy from the morning.I bride having woken up with a hangover was not happy...the maid of honour in a similar condition.Thankfully their mother's bitter but magical remedy helped heal their hangover quickly.The hair stylist and makeup artist for the day had arrived and they started working on Summer.The rest of the girls got ready...helping each other when needed.When the clock hit 1 pm,the bride put on her wedding dress and the last minute touches were done.Everyone was in awe looking at the bride.Thankfully her mother wasn't there or else she'd have cried a river.Just after 20mins they were situated inside the car,Alexa carefully handling Summer's train.The location of the wedding was a beautiful Chapel situated in Central London.

The moment the car came to a stop in front of the chapel Alexa's eyes went up to her sister and then to her father who was waiting outside.With a simple nod from Summer,she started helping her out of the car.Tightening her grip on the bouquet of flowers,Summer walked up to her father."Are you ready dear?"Samuel asked his eldest daughter,his eyes swelling with pride and almost tearing up at the sight of his daughters.Summer was the mommy's girl while Alexa was the daddy's girl but there were certain moments in which Summer and their father shared a very strong bond."Ready as I'll ever be,"Summer smiled and took her father's hand and started walking towards the Chapel.Samuel and his two daughters sharing a knowing look made their way to the Chapel.Alexa carefully carrying the train with the other bridesmaids behind her.When they made it to the aisle,she saw Nick---along with his best man,Joe and his other brothers and friends as the groomsmen.She could see Nick's eyes tearing up and it made more tears stream down Alexa's eyes.She could hear Summer sniffing in front of her.When they reached the other side of the aisle,her father gave Summer's hand to Nick and carefully Alexa let go of the train,taking her position along the bridesmaids.

The minister started saying the prayers and everything but Alexa had tuned out all of those.Her eyes travelled to the guests in front of them.She quickly scanned the people for Henry...she grinned when her eyes met Henry's.Henry  gave her a thumbs up to keep her motivated throughout the ceremony.Henry's eyes travelled back to the couple getting married but Alexa's eyes never left him.She had noticed a change in him in the past week.Throughout the ceremony he had avoided eye contact as much as possible which was weird for Alexa.'I will ask him later,'she thought to herself.Turning her attention back to the couple saying their vows and when they said "I do's" everyone cheered loudly for them.Alexa could see her parents standing proudly alongside Nick's parents,her mum by then bawling her eyes out while her dad tried to keep a stern expression.

"You may now kiss the bride,"The minister said.Nick grabbed Summer by the waist a little too eagerly and kissed her.Everyone cheered.After the ceremony was done Alexa walked up to Henry."Hey you!"Alexa exclaimed smiling."Hi love,"Henry smiled reaching down to kiss her."What did you think of the ceremony?"Alexa inquired."I think it was beautiful...it will be us one day"

A week after the wedding

After the wedding things went back to normal quickly.The newly wed couple had gone to honeymoon in Bahamas and were staying there for three weeks.Plopping down on the couch,Alexa turned on the telly.The world was still blazing after the news of Prince Harry's engagement with actress Meghan Markle.Alexa was intrigued by how much the prince had changed in the past years.He had matured.He had gone to war,he genuinely served people and had turned into a compassionate person.He had changed severely since she had met him.In the last three years the two hadn't met once.Although she had met Prince Charles and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge a couple of times but never Harry.She was happy that he had found the person he wanted to spend his rest of the life with.

Glancing at the clock Alexa turned the telly off and went to her room to change her clothes for her date with Henry.Opting for a comfortable yet a bit formal look she wore a blue print jumpsuit with a white polka dot jacket and her Michael Kors shoes.The couple hadn't had spent much time together in the past month.The only time they had properly spent time in a month was at her sister's wedding.

Just when she finished apply her lipstick her phone vibrated indicating she had a text.'I am here xx' She smiled.Grabbing her blazer she head out."Hi,I've missed you!"Alexa exclaimed kissing Henry."So have I,come on we are gonna be late for the reservation,"Henry replied guiding her to his Range Rover.

Throughout the dinner Henry had been nervous and fidgeting a lot.Alexa had noticed it and when she confronted him about it he brushed it off.When the desert arrived Henry stood up taking Alexandra's hands."Love..."It was Henry's nickname for her."The past two years that I had the honour of spending with you have been amazing.I cannot help but imagine the coming years with you by my side...you and me against the world."Alexa's eyes started tearing up knowing where this was going."I want to make you my wife,"Henry continued.

"Alexandra Chase Larsson will you give me the honour of becoming Mrs.Henry Cavill?"Henry asked getting on his knee and he brought out a turquoise diamond ring.But Alexandra's eye never left his.Unable to form words she only nodded and Henry pushed the ring in her finger.She immediately helped him stand up and hugged him tightly."Oh my gosh,I love you so much!"Alexa finally said."I love you too my love,"Henry replied smiling.

Just after the proposal they went back to Alexandra's house,the girl insisting that he  spend the night.The next morning was spent calling all of her friends and family informing them about the engagement.Everyone was overjoyed.The couple had decided to announce their engagement by them both posting a picture of the ring captioning,"She said yes!" And,"I said Yes!"Just by that the world was going crazy.The Hollywood favourite couple were officially engaged and everyone couldn't be more happier.Two high class engagements in two weeks!Alexa started reading an article about there engagement written by the Daily Mail,

           [Picture Above: Alexandra Larsson and Henry Cavill attend the BAFTAs 2014 together. Source:Getty]

'The Hollywood 'it' couple Alexandra Larsson and Henry Cavill are officially engaged!You are ecstatic right?So are we!So is everyone really.The couple started dating back in 2014 introduced by fellow mutual friend Chris Evans.The couple is set to marry in fall of 2016.Celebrities are congratulating the newly engaged couple via social media.Including best friends Selena Gomez,Taylor Swift,Averly Martins [YouTuber,Cousin] and co stars Sebastian Stan,Robert Downey Jr,Gal Gadot and Chris Hemsworth.Sources close to the couple say that Alexandra would first concentrate on promoting her upcoming movie Captain America:Civil War and after the release will be taking some time off to plan the wedding.

Make sure to check back in to THE DAILY MAIL to get new updates about the couple!'

Alexandra chuckled at their excitement."It seems like they are getting married instead of me!"

Alexandra had started looking for wedding dress because she wanted to find the perfect one and didn't want to rush last minute.

March of 2015

After looking over millions of dresses Alexandra had found the one.Returning from the bridal shop she decided to pay a surprise visit to Henry as they both had been busy with the wedding preparations.The dress was still at the bridal shop for the alternations.

When she entered the neighbourhood she noticed that there was another car in Henry's driveway.Thinking a friend was over she parked her car beside it.Opening the door with her key she tiptoed her way in,not wanting to ruin the surprise.Making her way to her fiancé's bedroom she heard muffled noises coming from the door.Growing suspicious,she quietly opened the door.

Alexandra Chase Larsson was a strong woman.She didn't take anyone's shit.She was prepared for anyone to throw anything at her.Dealing with anxiety,self consciousness and depression from a young age she build a wall around her.The walking guarding her from the people.But Alexandra was not prepared for the sight in front of her.Her fiancé completely naked with a blonde woman bend down in front of him --also completely naked.Their moans were the only sounds in the room."I love you,I love you,"they chanted while thrusting.

Agony,that's what Alexandra felt.Her eyes burning red with anger.When she heard them say I love you's her anger only escalated.Did she mean nothing to him?What had she done wrong for him to betray her like that?All these questions roamed around her head.Wanting to make her presence known she pushed the door farther away and clapped her hands."WOW!Look who it is everyone!Award winning actor Henry Cavill banging a girl behind his fiancée's back,wow just wow!"Her words laced with sarcasm.The couple untangled themselves.The girl hurriedly tried to put on her clothes which were scattered around the room and left the house,ashamed that they had been caught while Henry put on his pants.

"Love,I can explain,I swear.Just hear me out!"Henry tried to justify."Oh really?Okay then,explain."Alexa said crossing her arms.Henry just stood there unable to form words."I-I-I swear love I never meant to hurt y-you..."

"Don't you dare call me love.You lost the right to call me that the moment you decided to betray me.I know you have no justification for your deeds.But just answer my questions.Why?Why did you do it?"Alexandra cut him off.Henry's eyes were filled with guilt."I-I don't know..."he trailed off."WHAT DID I DO WRONG FOR YOU TO HAVE HURT ME LIKE THIS?"Alexa shouted."WHY DID YOU EVEN PROPOSE TO ME IF YOU WERE BETRAYING MY TRUST BEHIND MY BACK?"She added."Babe,I only love you...that's why I proposed!I only want to spend my life with you,"Henry explained."Oh really?you should have thought about it when you were saying I love you to her while fucking her Henry!"Her eyes filled with agony.She wanted to rip his head off."She means nothing to me,you mean everything to me...you are my entire world,"Henry said trying to reach over for Alexandra but she was quick to slap his hands off."You know what?we are done,fuck you!you don't deserve me.You utter piece of shit!"Alexandra exclaimed taking the ring off her finger and throwing it at him."No please,you can't do that!"Henry said."I can't?Well watch me!"

"You betrayed me Henry...I trusted you.You-You know now that I think about us.We weren't ever suppose to be together.You were never someone I should spend my life with.I have trust issues and y-you know that.I built walls around me that are unbreakable.You couldn't break them,Instead I let you in.It was my biggest mistake.I let you in .You found out about my insecurities and you used them against me!You know how much I hate cheaters.You know the only thing I ever wanted was your love and loyalty but-but you just threw away everything we had!We are done.Don't you dare show your filthy face to me ever again!"Alexandra said and walked away from him.Getting into the car Alexa took a deep breathe,trying to calm herself down.When she saw Henry come out of the house,she quickly drove out of the driveway.

She was mad.Mad at herself for trusting him.How could she have been so stupid?How couldn't she notice it?It wasn't the first time Alexandra had been cheated on.Her first love,Logan who she had dated in college had cheated on her as well.It tore her apart.That was when she built her walls.That was when she started having trust issues.High school and college were the worst years of Alexandra's life.Having dealt with bullies,Alexandra suffered from anxiety,depression and self-consciousness.She thought after all those years no one would be able to hurt her ever again.But it happened and it was entirely her fault.How could she not connect the dots?Henry would often judge her decisions---making her doubt her decisions.He wasn't always there for her.There were so many things wrong and she was only realising them then.Henry wasn't able to break her walls.She let him in and it was her biggest mistake.

That day Alexandra didn't cry,she wasn't sad...she was angry.Angry at the world for treating her that way again.The time she thought she'd finally get the happiness she deserved but faith had once again played her and took everything away from her.

She wasn't broken.Henry didn't break her and as they say,'What doesn't kill you,makes you stronger.'Alexandra was stronger.Stronger than someone trying to break her down.It was the beginning of a new Alexandra Chase Larsson.

Alexandra Chase Larsson was a force to be reckoned with and this time,she'd prove it to the entire world.She was a boss,she was ethereal and last but not the least,she was ELEGANT.

[Author's Note]

Whaddup peeps.Believe it or not this chapter took 3 days to write.I am pretty proud of this and it is sooo long!Anyways,you guys may be wondering "WHERE IS HARRY?WE ARE HERE FOR HARRY!!"I know I know!I just wanted to go into Alexandra's background a bit at first and the events in her life which would eventually form the Alexandra Harry falls in love with (or not).I swear there is more Harry in the next chapter.I just wanted to spend a few chapters dedicated to Alexandra's characteristic and I thankfully finished it in two long ass chapters.HOPE YOU LIKED IT!VOTE AND COMMENT PLEASE IT MOTIVATES ME TO UPDATE.

Bridesmaids dress: (The middle one is Alexa's)

           Date outfit:

           Her sister's wedding dress:

[logan-are-you-okay]

Just a day at the hospital

It’s been three days... three days since Chase was stabbed by that man. They caught the guy, and apparently there was recordings on that block that caught him saying ‘How’s this for Bro Average?’ Guess he just didn’t like the show... Good thing MARKIPLIER TV has two episodes recorded of a show before they go on, so people won’t be missing their episode this week. Sadly, it’s also been three days since he has last seen Bing. The nurses keeping asking if he can come back, but Chase keeps rejecting him or he’s just asleep when he comes by. The only ones he allows back are his daughter and son. However, Chase keeps screaming whenever he’s asleep. Being woken up by his nightmares, the doctors always ask what’s wrong... but he never tells them. Why should he? It doesn’t injure his physical health so they don’t need to worry about it, right?

Slowly Chase rolls over on his side, trying his best not to yank the things that where helping him breathe. The pain in his chest wasn’t as bad anymore, it just stung and pinched when the stitches where being pulled apart. The worst thing of this all, is that when he’s alone... he’s left to his thoughts. He can’t stop them, it just happens whenever he hears dead noise.

“Sir, one of your family members are here. May I send them in?” A nurse asks as they cracked the door to the room. The hospital here was different then the ones at home. Usually they had curtains to block off each section for each room, but this was a Medicare center. It was almost like the top ER that you had to go to if your injury was super severe. Also the kids where at school right now, the only family member that lives close by was someone he’s never ever met. So... who could it be?

“Yes, you can...” He says with a groggy voice. The IV fluid was really making his mouth dry, and the more he moved his chest, the more it would hurt. God this was so stupid, hooked up to machines for something that he should be able to do on his own. God what was wrong with him? Suddenly the door opens, then promptly shuts. Chase slowly sits up grunting as he goes along, once he’s able to he looks up at the door and his eyes widen. Bing, fucking, Iplier... right there in front of him.

“Sorry, Bro. They wouldn’t let me in any other way.” He says casually. How many times had he tried to get in here and he just... rejected him?

“What did you tell them... which member anyway?” He asks timidly, the tension in the room you couldn’t even cut with a chainsaw.

“That I was your husband.” Chase’s stomach turns into knots as his throat feels like a lump got stuck in it. Why...why of all things would he say that?

“O-Okay then...” Bing then walks over to the chair right next to the bed and pulls it up closer. Chase looks down and plays with his hands. His head was still screaming to fucking run! But his heart kept screaming, IM GONNA GO RUN UP MTN EVEREST WANNA JOIN!? God if his heart goes any faster, you’ll be able to see it through his skin.

“So...” Bing asks, probably trying to start a conversation. Chase just bites his lip as he tries so desperately to stay looking away from Bing. Every single part of him was screaming his name.

“Why do you have to stay here for so long?” Bing says while looking directly at Chase. Desperately Chase tries his hardest to not look. There is no point whatsoever.

“The guy... h-he stabbed through my rib cage and it nicked my lung I guess...” He says while slowly lowering himself against the back of the bed. This was so stupid...

“Well, what did you tell them about all those scars that you had?” Chase’s eyes widen as he gets asked. Did he know that they asked him that? Or was he trying to get it off of him of what they actually are?

“T-the scars?” He says kind of high pitch trying his hardest on what he actually told them. They asked when they where wheeling him in out of surgery while he was on loopy gas so that he would tell the truth. However, he had a strong mental capacity and still managed to lie about it.

“I-I said that they where from b..Bro Average shoots.” Technically is wasn’t a lie, it is what he told them! Just... not what actually happened.

“Ah, Alright then. How about you tell the truth to me?” Chase Quickly swallows looking at the opposite side of the room as he fiddles with his necklace that his son made him while he’s been at the hospital. It had a shark tooth on it, and the line was covered in red and green. Somehow it was able to bring him peace as he did.

“I-I don’t understand w...what you mean...” He says very timidly, not wanting to talk anymore. However he’s met with pressure being added onto the bed right next to him. Now this really made Chase’s heart go a bajillion Miles a minute! Being questioned already being thrown, and then adding into the mix of Have Bing sit next to him. Instantly his body tenses up as he feels Bing place a hand on his back rubbing small circles.

“I’m not stupid Chase. I went through every single one of your ‘Bro Average’ videos trying to find which stunts could’ve given you that scar on your eye, or the scars that I saw on your chest not to long ago.” Chase instinctively pulls up the covers that he had up to his chest, almost as if trying to hide them out of embarrassment.

“Also I payed very close attention seeing scar after scar show up in different places as the series went on.” Bing slowly starts lifting up the Medical night gown as his fingers softly trail up Chase’s skin which makes Chase bite his hand to prevent from making any noise. He has never had a man, let alone his crush touch him... if you don’t count that kiss, BUT THAT’S ALL DIFFERENT SHIT! Chase can hear Bing sigh as he sees... even more scars. Chase can start to feel the guilt rushing inside of him as he screws his eyes shut trying to stop the images from passing by.

“...I don’t w-wanna talk about it...” He says while his hands dug into the medical pillow that his head was on. There was no point in any of this, telling... who’d believe him? He’s a fucking guy and no one thinks women can do such horrible things...

“Can you j...just turn the IV up... I don’t want to think about this a-anymore..” he can feel the movement in the end shift as Bing looks from the IV to him.

“Chase... the IV’s almost at 11... you could die...” Bing says with his voice full of concern. Chase soon lets tears fall, how can he act like this? He’s being so selfish, turning it up to 11 would kill you... tears start to escape his eyes as he thinks about that. Stacy’s words echo in the back of his mind, she’s right. Every single little word that she’s ever muttered to him. He’s an idiot... a bitch... a pussy... a cunt... stupid... horrible father... selfish... a faggot... scum of the earth... a failure... an abortion gone wrong... he should just do what she told him to do... just jump... just fucking jump... Randomly he feels Bing’s warm arms wrap around him, but doesn’t dare open his eyes. He wasn’t tense in the embrace, nor was his heart going a million miles. It was peaceful and calm as he cried out. If it was anything else, he would have rejected this. Chase slowly puts his hand on top of Bing’s of the one that was on top of him.

“I’m right here, Chase... you can tell me anything.” He says in a very light whisper trying to comfort him, but it doesn’t really help...

“W...why do y-you even c..care? D..damage h-has already been... d-done...” He says in the heat of the moment. Why should Bing care? It’s not like it’s going to change who he was. It’s not like Bing can help him in anyway, Stacy was already in jail for a DUI... there’s just no point anymore. In any of this. He just ruins everyone’s lives. First he came out bisexual which ruined his relationship with his parents... he married Stacy which ended his relationship with his best friend... he ruined his children’s lives by bringing them into a horrible family of yelling, screaming, swearing... then he ruined his life with being with Stacy... no matter where he went he was her’s... never able to escape the mental and physical scars that she left...

“I Care, because I’m your friend. Dude, I can tell when someone’s lying to me, please just tell me... you can’t keep something bottled up.” Bing says while slightly hugging Chase with the arm he had wrapped around him. It’s not unhealthy... it just didn’t matter... he’s one person in a place of billions... the only reason that he holds on is because of his kids. They are his only anchor in this world... if he wasn’t there they’d just be with Bing. They already love him so much...

“I-I don’t b..bottle it up... my thoughts r-replay it to me...” great fucking Excuse Chase. A- for effort... The weight on the bed shifts again as Chase feels Bing pull him closer to his chest. He can even hear his heart beat and heavy breathing. Alright NOW his heart can go ten million miles an hour and not get pulled over on the freeway. Hell heart, you just do you! Also, guess Bing’s lying down now next to him.

“Chase. Brody. You need to tell me, if you do I’ll tell you something about me. Would that be alright?” He asks with a commanding, but also comforting voice. How does that even work? He takes a deep breath, filtering through his words very carefully.

“M-my ex...” that was all he was able to manage to say before tears came pouring down. Please don’t make him say more! Please don’t make him say more! Just even saying that was to much for him to handle. Bing slowly turns Chase’s head to the side so that they where both looking at each other. Chase wanted to desperately look away, but Bing’s eyes where so beautiful...

“I would never treat you like that.” Chase lets out a long airy breath as they look at one another. The silence was peaceful, then having the last words be those... made Chase only fall even more into his love for Bing. What did he do that could have possibly been right that made Bing kiss him those three days ago? What was the one thing that he’s done right in his entire life to have Bing hold him like this? Was it because he was hurt? Did Bing feel like this was his fault?

“I promise.” Chase’s thoughts get cut short once again as Bing kisses him. Why was this happening to him? Don’t get him wrong, he loved it as he kissed him back, but what did he do to deserve this? His whole life has been a fuck up, but right now? Everything was perfect. No Stacy in his mind... no scars that stained to his body like an infection.

Slowly Bing’s hand moved to the side of Chase’s waist as Chase hesitantly moved his arms around Bing’s neck. Was this was he suppose to do? Or was he suppose to be doing something else!? He’s never been in this type of position before. His hands where shaking from the anxiety and ‘This was actually happening’ feelings. Bing must’ve felt it as he pulled back, and placed his forehead against Chase’s.

“Relax, Chase. I know what I’m doing.” With that he again pushes his lips against Chase’s.

All over again Chase melts into it, completely intoxicated by this. In the back of his mind, he can barely hear the anxiety of where did this leave them now? Once they where done with whatever this was... what where they going to be? Deep down Chase hoped this meant that they would go out and try to be a couple. However he didn’t know what Bing was feeling. Maybe the same? He has been the one to start all of this. However it doesn’t matter now. He’s in the moment right now, and everything was perfect.... right now.

(Sorry @alaughingfreak I couldn’t make it angsty! My brain wouldn’t let me)

[daccys-blog]

hello angels ! wink wink. i'm kit, i'm nineteen and i ( never fcuking learned how to read ) use them/they pronouns. to keep it short, i can be really shit at ims or blast u w/ mssgs .... there is no in between and i'm srry ! also, i have discord so if anyone wants to plot or chat on there .... BTSLetMeKnow.mp3 ..... anyway, i've been highkey in love with harry styles for like six years and i'm also very into anime and even more into kpop ! talk 2 me abt bts ? pls. 

to learn all about the muse i'll be playing ( i won't promise this intro is any good .... but when have i ever been good @ intros fhsidguh ), pls continue under the cut ! 

Is that [ HARRY STYLES ]? Nope, that’s [ DACEY WARD ], the [ TWENTY-THREE ] year old human who is [ A PART OF ] the resistance. [ HE ] works as a [ REVEREND ]. People say that [ HE ] is pretty [ + MAGNANIMOUS ] but can be [ - BROODING ]. ( kit / them/they / mdt )

so ! joining this rp is a pretty Big Deal for me bc i get to play ward in a universe where he makes absolute sense. also for the first time. thank u. although the plot has made things challenging in regards to his beliefs, it's honestly so fresh and he can brood Even More ? thank u. anyway .... i'm kinda just jumping into this without a specific format in mind .... just hope i find it along the way ! n hope i don't make it all confusing fhiusdhfg whatever happens after ur finished reading this .... my ims r open and i am up 4 explaining anything necessary to make a plot/connection w/ our charas. 

HIS PAST ///

ward was born on feb 1st, 1994 ( yes this is harry's exact birthday fsdghuih thEY'RE BOTH AQUARIUS ?? MIGHT AS WELL ) 

two hours after his birth, he was handed to an endless system of foster care , being removed from foster home to foster home and waiting to be processed into a new , unknown family . as his age increased , his chances of adoption decreased , and by the age of twelve he convinced himself into forgetting about the idea of having parents , and siblings , and a house where he didn't feel like a stranger .

coincidentally , the year after that he was placed into a long-term home , with a family of three other foster kids and a couple in their forties who had children that had already married and moved away - they needed the money , but that didn't mean they treated ward and the other children like emotionally neglected pets . 

these foster parents taught him the word of the lord . ward had grown up around so many people , each with different opinions and views towards angels , that he hadn't formed an opinion of his own . he just felt pain from the suffering of others , and that was enough to breed hesitance when agreeing to the way angels were captured and held against their will . in one occasion , when he was twelve and hadn't been moved to his long-term home , he shared his views about disliking the way angels were treated ( because in the words of a twelve year old: "it's not their fault they were born that way" ) , and his foster dad at that time ( who had been sharing his own opinions regarding angels which entirely contradicted ward's feelings ) beat him with a broom stick to ' knock some sense into him ' . this is what resulted in ward being moved out of that home . 

he quickly learned that his new foster parents would never do something like that , though . a huge part of him was relieved to learn that they were part of the resistance although he didn't know what it was at that time . 

he didn't share their beliefs right away , though ... it was one thing to be glad about not being beat with a broom because he disliked the way angels were treated , and another thing to accept god into his life . so he didn't , for years . 

as far as he was aware , god was gone . this is what they taught in history classes . he knew that there were groups of people which still believed that god would come back , but there was never much room for thought about them . 

instead , he became an unruly teenager with massive abandonment issues . in his own quiet way he would be defiant of authority and his foster parents , thinking he owed nothing to the world because nothing owned him . nothing really owned him . not like a parent would . nothing like a real parent . 

in his rebellious years , ward experienced a taste of utterly wild youth , until the cancer was detected . he didn't tell anyone about the pain because a part of him wanted it to be a sickness . a part of him wanted to die . a part of him wanted to see what else there was , or wasn't . a part of him always felt like it was living in darkness , anyway . 

he was rushed to the hospital after collapsing down the flight of stairs in his house , effectively fracturing a wrist along the way . after hours of waiting for test results , the news was broken that he had bone cancer in his lower right leg -- right below his kneecap . in the end ward didn't know what to do with the information . he was both terrified and trying to convince himself that it's what he wanted . he was eighteen , about to turn nineteen . 

his foster parents offered the support they could . it wasn't their obligation to pay for ward's hospital bills , or to make sure he was receiving the right treatment , or to make sure he was fine at all , but they took a bit of the burden upon themselves and tried their best to give him mental and emotional support by using the lord's word . 

it was determined that he'd receive almost immediate surgery to remove the cancer before it spread any further -- and through this process ward thought he reached the lowest low with his mental health , but he hadn't been told the surgery had failed yet . that came months after . 

the pain subsided for a while , just for a few months , and then it grew unexpectedly . on his next long stay at the hospital , he was scheduled for an amputation . this was both a period of a total darkness and the appearance of a blazing light . it was when he lost a part of his body but gained a powerful part of his soul when he opened his heart to god . 

after his surgery , ward began recovery and got fitted with an artificial leg . it felt like a beginning , more than anything . in a way he felt like accepting god into his life was almost like being reborn , and he had to learn to walk again . 

when he left the hospital , his entire focus went to studying the word of the lord . his faith grew everyday , praying to god and having the hope that he was listening , praying for his return -- learning what true desire meant . 

his plans to fuck pursuing an education were replaced by the drive to get into a college and major in bible studies . he had the support from his denominational committee to become a reverend for the church he had been occasionally attending during his long term stay at his foster home to indulge his foster parents , but more recently visited several times a week to pray and attend sermons . 

the church was about to close its doors due to the pastor falling ill and unable to tend to it -- there weren't many believers who could fill up the spot , and the church did close for three years while ward studied and did all of the requirements , until a new pastor had it reopened at the nick of time for ward , who right after started working there as a reverend under the guidance of his new pastor . 

nowadays you can find him in the church , giving studies on the different teachings of the bible and occasionally given the opportunity to deliver sunday sermons . 

HIS BELIEFS //

i wanted to include a section for his beliefs since they are a massive part of his life !!

ward has faith that god did not forsake the angels , or humans , and that he will come back . he prays everyday for his return , having the faith that he is listening .

he tries not to question god for the things that have happened , but sometimes he gets a desperate feeling in his chest that has him crying out ' why ? ' . the angels .... rlly haunt him .  he prays a ton for them , but he also can't help but wonder why they fell ... why god left . why would he allow the angels to suffer as much as they have ? as much as they are suffering 

it ... really fucks him up so bad . he often has breakdowns about it . there are two opposite sides playing tug of war inside of him -- one of them is the one that's winning most of the time , the one that doesn't dare question god , and the other side is one who only has small victories but tugs with the force of tidal waves that literally leave him shaking -- the secret side that contemplates whether god is good . 

it burns him a li ve haha a 

although that secret side of him exists , it's something he also prays about . he doesn't want to question god , or have his faith waver , but goddamn ... it's tough when he sees all of the shit the angels are put through ... it really hurts his heart so much . 

that being said , he is not hostile at all toward angels . or thinks he is above them in any way form or shape . he actually worships angels , and hopes for their safety above all else . that is why he is a part of the resistance and would not hesitate to help an angel , in whatever form . he believes they are god's perfect creations that have been tainted by human sins . 

regarding other aspects of his life, though: ward repents for allowing god into his life only until he needed it and not when he was at his doorstep . he repents for all of the sins he's committed in the past and for the sins he continues to commit . he no longer drinks , smokes , or parties . he also doesn't get tattoos anymore unless they're connected to god or religion , and even then , he has only gotten a small tattoos of crosses on his chest and another cross on his right hand . 

HIS PERSONALITY/SMALL FACTS ///

although ward is welcoming of other people and relationships , especially in a church setting ... he can also be hesitant . he will give advice and try to guide anyone who seeks his help with the word of god , and he will listen to people's troubles and be with them in times of need ... but he doesn't do this himself . he keeps it all pent inside and really only speaks to god about what's going on inside of him . 

he has a very long past of abandonment and trust issues that it's almost like an instinct to close himself away but he's trying to heal those parts of himself . just needs some time and all the faith he can have !

with that being said , if you meet him outside of the church , he can come off as very withdrawn , especially in a mundane setting . he tends to be soft spoken and serious , though he's also got some wild in him that loves to laugh and have a good time . you just kinda have to figure out how to get to it . 

it's not really easy getting to know him . he's very private about his personal life and it's very rare when he opens up about something personal , unless he's talking to his pastor .

he doesn't really talk about his experience with cancer either . it was a really tough time in his life that he hasn't healed from and part of him probably never will . the only times when he openly talks about it is when he's retelling his experience of how he let god into his life .

also ! he uses a wooden cane . at first he needed it during his recovery , because it made standing up so much easier and he didn't have to lean on people or tables or chairs . then, he decided to keep the cane with him at all times after one occasion in which he supported himself on a glass table as he stood up and the glass broke and fell on his foot ........ but thank god it fell on his prosthetic foot because that would've hurt like a bitch .

so now his cane is like .... an extension of himself . kind of like how people can't leave their house without their phones , except more important to him . 

he also never mentions it unless someone asks why he uses it . he'll just say he has some leg problems , and if they continue to ask , he'll wonder why they're being nosy and reluctantly say he's got a prosthetic leg . talking to people about it or easily saying he has a prosthetic leg just doesn't come to him . 

going into a new topic, ward doesn't really have a sexual preference , and he doesn't have many sexual tendencies . or romantic ones . he's very unconcerned about a love life in general right now . the closest he gets to experiencing romantic love is when he's performing a wedding ceremony . he has dated in the past though , especially during his teenage years , but he hasn't been in a relationship for a few years now . 

he doesn't tend to go by dacey . there's no real reason why ... he was just called ward as a child by teachers and some foster parents so it stuck around . he introduces himself as ward but doesn't really mind being called dacey ... just throws him off a bit at first , he's not used to it . 

so ! i think i'm gonna leave it off there !! this entire post was pure word vomit fhiusdhf but if you have any plots/connections in mind don't hesitate to hmu , i'll be very excited about them . i'm sorry for the massive mess this was fhdsui but i'm rlly excited to get rolling !! see u on the dash/ims my friens

[zebracornzedragon]

@nick-nocturn

I did this a while ago, but was too timid to actually post it anywhere. I’m a fan of your work Mr. Nocturn, and so I decided to make a piece of fan-art of you in the world of Don’t Starve, because it’s a rather creepy world and the artstyle is gorgeous. (Materials used were, a .5mm lead mechanical pencil, several different Micron pens, a Pentalic set of 12 colored pencils, and a white Gelly Roll pen.)

Featured above are my two personal Don’t Starve OCs, Wander Lost and Wakana(For those who don’t know, every canon playable character’s name begins with a ‘W’, and too often I’ve seen people just name their DS OCs whatever they want without any regard for following canon. Thus my two characters names start with ‘W’.), and @nick-nocturn ‘s four eyed cat form. 

Wakana(the biped-dragon thing) primarily uses sign language to communicate(here she is signing one of the forms of “fear/scared”). Although she can also speak normally, she prefers not to because she has exceptionally large teeth, and she doesn’t want to scare anyone.

Wander Lost(the pony) can understand her sign language, though obviously can’t perform it himself, and often translates for those who don’t understand her. For those wondering about his lantern, it’s his “Starting Item/Special Equipment” that only he has. The lantern itself is an enchanted item that is a source of constant light, and was given to him by a Unicorn friend, who enchanted it.

This post is getting long, but I wanted to write a little story behind this encounter, so there will be a cut in which the story will hide. (also figure I should say this… Yes, I am aware that there are some issues with anatomy, pose, and perspective. I am pleased with how it turned out, given that I am unused to drawing other people’s characters. Also sometimes you just can’t get something to look perfect.)

“Say buddy… you don’t look so good. You should probably go find something to eat.”

Nick Nocturn blinked his four eyes open and sat up painfully. There did not appear to be anyone around to do the speaking… but whoever it was had a point. He was hungry… very hungry.

The four eyed, four armed cat-creature got to his feet, and brushed himself off, taking stock of his current situation. He still had his sweater, which was good, as it was a little cold. Nothing seemed broken, and he didn’t want to attempt to change his shape in this strange world.

The next thing was to figure out how and why he was here. As far as he could tell, he hadn’t been summoned here, wherever here was… not exactly. Had he been summoned, surely whoever had summoned him would have been there, ready to make a deal or contract.

There was little to do besides ponder on what little information he had while he did what whoever-they-were had suggested… finding food. He started walking, but after only a few dozen meters he was brought up short. 

The land where he stood was much like a savanna… the grass was yellow and dry, and there were very few trees. The land only a few paces ahead of him was lush and green, and there was a positive forest of tall trees. The dividing line was clean cut, as though someone had perfectly pushed these two Biomes together.

As he stood there, confused but intrigued, he caught a glimpse of desaturated red and blue-ish-purple, and of near pure white. He did not sense any hostility, and he pricked his ears at the sound of a voice.

“-Don’t know what you’re talking about. Maxwell has his reasons for grabbing people from where ever and leaving them here.”

The voice wasn’t especially unusual, though strangely distorted, and Nick hazarded a guess that it was male… however there was no second voice, even as the first replied as if there had been. Someone insane perhaps?

“I’m sure we’ll run into them eventually… I mean… we’ve run into others before, right? Maxwell’s voice carries.”

That was interesting… the name Maxwell had been brought up twice now… perhaps he was the one who had brought Nick here. This other person seemed to know more than he did, and he could only hope that he wouldn’t scare them off.

It was easy to follow them… they weren’t exactly being quiet. The conversation wasn’t totally useful, though Nick did keep as best mental track as he could of possible relevant information, and possible topics to ask about.

At last they were out into a larger area, clear of trees. Nick could see that there were two… people, if you could call them that. One appeared to be a winged equine of some sort, and the other… he hadn’t encountered anything that looked like them before.

“Excuse me!” Nick called out and they both turned instantly to face him. He cautiously attempted to approach, and while both seemed a little uncertain about him, they did not flee… a good sign.

“I’m sorry that I startled you, but I wanted to ask you somethings… since you appear to know a something more about this place than I do. I should introduce myself. My name is Nick Nocturn.”

The strange creature was making a very distinct motion with her hands and arms, but Nick didn’t know what it meant. When the equine spoke, Nick recognised them to be the owner of the voice he’d heard.

“Hello Mister Nocturn… You must be the new person that Maxwell snatched. My name is Wander Lost, but you can wall me whichever part you prefer. My companion here is named Wakana.” The reason his voice was distorted was now explained… He held the wooden handle of a lantern in his mouth. 

The other creature, Wakana, made a number of seemingly specific motions with her hands… sign language perhaps? Wander watched her motions out of the corner of his eye, and translated.

“She wants to know what your questions are… and also if we may ask some in return.”

Nick agreed, and asked his first question. “I wanted to know where I am, and how I arrived here, since the two seem connected.”

“Well,” Wander said slowly, “I don’t know that this place actually HAS a name, but we, and the other’s we’ve met, call it Maxwell’s world. As for how you got here, Maxwell himself plucked you from where ever you were, whatever you were doing, and plonked you down here. It’s all a game for him… we live and we die for his amusement, or at least, that’s what we’ve figured.”

“Hmm… what about this Maxwell person? Do you know anything about him?”

“Not much, but as far as either of us know, he’s just the person behind everything that happens here. And he’s kinda a jerk, as you’ll soon learn. speaking of… Wakana, when are the hounds supposed to arrive?”

Wakana signed something that made Wander say several expletives of varying intensity, though all seemed to revolve around two or possibly three beings. Presumably something from where he was from?

“Nick, we need to leave here now… You can come with us back to our camp, but we don’t have long until the hounds arrive, and the camp’s still a ways away. At least a day’s walk, and then the hounds will be here in another day. If you want, we can talk on the way, but we can’t stay here.” 

Nocturn had little choice but to follow them as they started walking… surprisingly fast compared to what he had expected.

“What are these hounds? Are they on a schedule or something?”

“Sorta… They usually turn up every ten days… Maxwell sends them after us. They’re really dangerous… I usually end up running, since I’m faster than them, and I’m not much of a fighter… Wakana fights them if she has to… especially if there are fire hounds.”

They continued in silence for a while, Wander appeared to know the way back, since he was leading. Nick’s stomach rumbled, and wakana turned off from them and disappeared into the new tree biome that they were in. She returned moments later, carrying a large handful of berries, and offered them to Nick, who accepted them gratefully.

As Wander had said, they arrived a little before the sun set to the camp. There were berry bushes and little saplings in neat rows. They had a fridge, several chests, a couple tools in a pile, and a second slightly larger pile of what looked like makeshift armor and weapons. 

Wakana had already knelt down beside the fire pit, and was trying to get it started. Already the sun was almost gone, and the camp was getting dark… though there was still a good amount of light from Wander’s lantern, it had limited range.

Wakana got the fire going, and threw a number of logs on to get it really burning bright. She walked over to one of the chests and started digging through it, Wander was sorting through the armor and weapons, when the sound of an eerie music box made both of them abandon what they were doing and stand beside the fire.

Nick trotted over to them, and looked around for what they were nervous of. The sight of a shadow hand creeping towards the fire, accompanied by more creepy music, made wakana leap forward and stomp on it, chasing it back into the darkness. A second hand was trying to do the same thing as Wander stamped his hooves down onto it, making it retreat, even as a third hand started creeping forward. 

“Step on it! Chase it away from the fire!” The voice wasn’t Wander’s but had an edge to it that made Nick obey, and to his surprise the hand retreated from his paws… but only a little bit. 

Taking his que from the pair of them, he pursued the shadow hand until it vanished into the dark, but remained in the very edge of the light from the fire. He sensed that there was something worse waiting out in the darkness that would give even a shapeshifter like him trouble. Returning to the edge of the fire, more shadow hands were already trying to steal the fire, and the others were chasing them back. Nick joined in, making as many hands flee as he could, and with the three of them together, they managed to hold them off until morning.

“Whew,” Wander panted as the sun started to rise, putting his lantern down for the first time and wiping his forehead with a wing, “That’s not something I want to repeat… that was a lot more hands than usual…”

“Than… usual…?” Nick asked, looking between the two, “Who was that other voice last night?” 

“That was… me…” Wakana said timidly, wringing her hands, “I don’t usually talk… people tend to be scared of me when I talk… so I use sign language.” 

She smiled nervously, and even Nick had to admit, to a human, her exceptionally large and sharp teeth would be intimidating. Nick smiled at her encouragingly, displaying his own teeth to show her that she wasn’t alone in having teeth that scare humans.

(I'll leave off the story here, but if anyone wants me to continue, hit me with a message and I guess I'll write more!)

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0