#it also helps that this textbook is (so far) very easy to comprehend

[uncanny-tranny]

You know, something that's been healing in ways I never really anticipated was buying secondhand books.

I have a physiology textbook that has the name Ernest written in beautiful cursive on the inside cover. Throughout the book, passages are highlighted, and I wonder: What is the difference between a passage underlined in red pen and one highlighted in yellow? Did he have a system, or did he use whatever was around him at the time? What kind of courses did he take? I wonder what he did after his degree... what if he became a renowned physiologist? Or, what if he abandoned everything to run away to chase dreams he knew were unwise?

It's something small you don't really think about, but there really is something holy about not being the first. This book isn't just the sum of knowledge anymore, it's become a love letter, with a completely separate story attached. That's something I will keep with me forever. We have always been here. We will pass down a tiny bit of ourselves no matter how long it has been. We will yet live.

[rigelmejo]

I've been very interested in the r/dreamingspanish and r/ALGhub subreddits lately. Mainly because it's very cool to see people share their progress reports of: how many hours they studied, what resources they used (very useful if you're looking for material you might understand at various milestones), and what milestones of understanding they've hit so far (what kind of stuff they can understand in the language and do) and what is still difficult or impossible for them.

I highly recommend checking out r/dreamingspanish for Spanish material recommendations, and ideas, and to compare your own progress after X hours. I am not an ALG/CI purist, and even though I've used a ton of explicit learning resources (anki, memrise, textbooks, classes, youtube explanation videos, grammar guides, word translations) along with content I understood the main idea of with no aid (more like ALG/comprehensible input pure methods recommend), I found that their hours for milestones are still somewhat in line with my experiences. So I think learners who use some media they understand the main idea of, even if they do some explicit learning, will find the milestones and comparing with other learner's progress of some use.

I know French, Chinese, and Japanese, too much to try learning any using a pure ALG/Comprehensible Input approach. But I really wish I could test the method out on a brand new language ToT. Alas, I do NOT have enough time in my life. So I've settled for seeing how the ALG/CI method ideas can be applied to improving from where I'm at. For Chinese, this is easy, as comprehensible input for understanding the main idea is whatever audio I want to listen to (if I don't look up words or don't count time I look up words). And listening for hundreds of hours was alrwady my goal for Chinese, so this is just motivating me to listen MORE and have a goal milestone to hit in X hours. For Japanese, I simply do not want to sacrifice the speed explicit learning has for initial familiarity with words, so I'm still trying to cram through glossika and learn 5000 words (although I'd argue Krashen - not ALG but him in particular - argued any input that's comprehended, even with aid like english translation, which is what glossika is, japanese audio made immediately comprehensible by english translation right after, also how the Listening Reading Method works, in any case glossika is very much NOT compatible with ALG lol). In addition to glossika, I'm watching Comprehensible Japanese youtube and just watching in order from Complete Beginner. I tried watching peppa pig in Japanese and I could do it, but wow do I not like that cartoon. I wish I could watch Rugrats in Japanese instead. I do find Comprehensible Japanese is helping with grammar quick-comprehension, even though right now I know all the words. For French: I've been watching Comprehensible Input French (a phenomenal channel), and listening to Ayan Academy's voiced videos for Francais par Le Methode Nature (a book I used to study with). I know most of these words, but my listening skill in french is like A1-A2 Attrocious!!! I can't understand Spoken french of things I can read! So I'm hoping it helps my listening skills, and it would be cool to test if this Comprehensible Input only method helps make words more nuanced in my head (the visuals on Comprehensible Input French youtube helped make words feel more Active in my head, attached to a mental image, instead of how they are now mostly in passive storage where I only remember meaning when seeing them spelled in a book). I also am curious if the comprehensible input exposure will help speaking skills eventually, seeing as I have barely any speaking skills. (It's bad, I can read anything in French but if someones speaking or I need to speak it's like I know almost nothing, that's what I get learning to read Primarily).

[existslikepristin]

Are you doing NNN?

Nah

The No Nut November industrial complex holds no sway over me!

But no seriously. NNN feels like someone tried to convince people that masturbation is bad, and then that sentiment was capitalized on by both OnlyFans and the manosphere.

"But ELP," you say, "It's about self-control and improvement!"

My sweet summer child, there are much better options.

Here's my take: Self-control and improvement are fantastic goals, and desiring them is admirable to begin with. If you're already a week in to blueball season, good job. You've already proven that masturbation is not an addiction for you (considering that if it was actually an addiction, which is a reality for some people, you definitely would not have made it this far). But if you ask me, which I know you're not really but I'm gonna keep writing anyway, the value of simply avoiding an otherwise perfectly healthy action doesn't really prove all that much.

Perhaps the rest of your November, though, if you still feel the desire for it, you can take a crack at some less passive self improvement.

What exactly do I mean? Well, NNN is all about self-control, so why not make the rest of the month about meditation? Watch some Dr. K videos for modern meditation practices and have a Nearing-Nirvana November. Even the name sounds way fucking cooler, right?

The point is that rather than just NOT doing something, you ARE doing something, which if you ask me, proves so much more, and is an active improvement.

The only reason I would consider NOT doing something to be an improvement is if you have a genuine addiction and you stop partaking in it, but going cold turkey on an addiction for 30 days is probably not the most effective method of quitting. And since No Nut November usually leads into Dick Destruction December, I'd say it's a very, veeery ineffective method of reducing addiction. (Addictions are best worked out with help. Seek out assistance if you really think you could benefit from quitting something.)

There are a million other things you can do to improve yourself over the course of a month, too. They just don't have awesome names with religious context like Nearing-Nirvana November.

Real easy example: do push ups right now until you collapse. By the end of the month, double that number. More than double it if you feel like it! If you go from 10-ish to somewhere around 50, that's way more awesome than not jerking off for a while. Hell, do 20 and then immediately jerk off. I'll do that right now.

Here's another one: save up any money you would normally give to an OnlyFans model to this month so she'll tease you about not cumming and use it at the end to buy the first Talk To Me In Korean textbook/workbook combo, then use it to have a Decreasing Dumbness December. (#notsponsored)

Here's another: if you eat out a bunch, make this a month all about learning to cook for yourself. You'll save money while building up a universally valuable skill.

Want another home-related challenge? Do one of these all month. Fold and put away your laundry. Never leave dirty dishes unwashed. Brush your teeth more consistently. Use exfoliating lotion. If there's something you think you're lacking in, use this month to fix THAT.

AND ALSO! The internet is absolutely smothered in great things to learn. Talk to and try to comprehend someone new with a different political viewpoint than you. Learn to yodel. Listen to a new CLC song every day. That last one may not be useful in conversation with anyone except me, but fuck it, I'm calling it educational.

There are tons of possibilities. Pick something relevant to you, and improve yourself for real.

Oh yeah, and the Eunha pic is unrelated as usual.

[closetfanfictionauthor]

a university au in which genya is a fashion major and david is an engineering student and neither of them are brave enough to admit their feelings to each other but it works out in the end anyway.

(i was working on another story but i just finished re-reading the series and then i binged the show and it was just CALLING to me. this was meant to be like 2k words but it quite got away from me)

this is also on ao3

She meets David when she's looking for a table in the university library to complete a paper on fashion history and he is the only one with an available seat. And because she's Genya and beautiful and unafraid to approach anyone, she asks him if he wouldn't mind sharing the table with her.

David gives her a very distracted yes and she flashes him one of her smiles that's sent men stammering before gracefully sliding into the seat.

What she doesn't know is that a glimpse of her was enough to send David's heart into rapid palpitations and his palms immediately begin to sweat. But he's got to stay focused on his problem set because he fears if he looks at her head-on he might actually have a heart attack right where he sits.

And wouldn't that just be embarrassing.

She expects him to ogle at her like men usually do, but from where she's sitting he looks focused on his own problems, a slight wrinkle in his forehead as he glares at his laptop screen and huffs in irritation. But they sit in silence for three hours and David never looks her way. On the rare occasion he can drag his attention away from his screen long enough to notice she's even there, it feels as if he's looking right through her.

And she should feel relieved. Comfortable. Because he's not doing anything to make her feel uncomfortable. It should be nice.

And she's beyond irritated. Genya can't decide if it's because her ego is really that big that it takes offense to the first man who doesn't notice her or if it's because she finds him so attractive it makes her want to burst out of her skin and he's making it very obvious that he's not interested in her.

She doesn't know which one is worse.

He leaves without a word and she has to sit there and force herself to act like she doesn't notice the vacant seat across from her or why, for some reason, she feels so lonely.

Afterwards, Genya begins to notice David all around campus in ways she didn't before. And every time he's always alone, rarely is he surrounded by anyone she could assume is his friend. David never acknowledges her, never says hi, and she likewise pretends she never sees him.

But one day Genya is studying in the library again. At this point she's developed a sixth sense when it comes to David and the second he steps foot into the library, she knows. Her muscles tense and something in Genya's gut is telling her David is here and to look for him.

She forces herself to relax and shrug it off but only a few moments later, a shadow falls over her and she blinks up in confusion. David stands there, fidgeting from foot to foot, his hands traveling from the hem of his crewneck to his hair to the nape of his neck. He looks so uncomfortable and awkward it's endearing and she's tempted between saving him the anxiety and saying something and letting him stew in the feeling.

"Is it alright if I sit with you. Library's full," he mutters quietly, eyes darting around to the others sitting nearby. Genya forces the corners of her mouth not to twitch upwards like they so desperately want to and calmly nods before turning back to her work. Today she's working on sketching some designs for class.

David shrugs out of his bag and pulls out the chair across from her, all the while avoiding eye contact. Genya looks back at her sketch and picks up another colouring pencil. The whole time she pretends like there isn't an available table three tables over, or another one less than five metres behind David. The library is certainly full but it's not that full.

He could sit somewhere else but he chooses to sit with her and that makes her sit up a little straighter.

After about the second hour of working in silence, David starts to fidget. It's like he's working up the courage to do something but can't quite bring himself to do it. Genya can see him shift in his seat but pretends she doesn't notice. He crosses and uncrosses his legs, slouches in his seat before straightening up again. David opens his textbook, stares at the page blankly and then closes it again and turns back to his laptop.

There's a burning need in Genya to ask what he wants, the question is on the tip of her tongue but something about David tells her if she asks he'll shut down.

Finally David clears his throat and when Genya looks at him, he points to one of her sketches and says in a grave tone usually reserved for imparting condolences, "I really like this one, I'm not one for colours or anything but I like the yellow and brown."

It's the most he's ever said...well...ever.

"Thank you, that one's my favourite too," Genya replies warmly, a smile spreading across her face. In truth it wasn't her favourite creation but it was David's favourite and now it was hers.

She thinks that's all he's going to say and turns back to her drawing but David has mustered all his courage and he seems determined to have out with it and asks her, "What are you making these for?"

"It's for my Fashion Design class. I'm a fashion major," Genya says and blushes a pretty pink at the statement. There's nothing wrong with fashion. People wear clothes. They like looking nice. Genya wants to be a part of that process and yet she can't help feeling silly telling people she studies fashion. But David doesn't look at her as if it's stupid or as if she's dumb, an intent look on his face as he gives her all his attention.

"Do you...do you like fashion design? Is it one of your favourite classes?" he asks her awkwardly. She wants to giggle at the way he looks at her as if she's about to impart the meaning of life to him. But Genya stops herself, because David is making an effort. And she doesn't know this man but she's pieced together enough to know that socializing doesn't come easy to David. Knows enough that underneath that quiet almost stern demeanor his heart is probably pounding from making small talk and she won't be the one to hurt his feelings or discourage his attempt.

She just wishes his shyness didn't make her go soft as pudding inside.

"I love it a lot actually. My favourite aspect is that you get to be creative with whatever you want to design, there's no limit and you don't have to worry that anything will be too outlandish because it's just a sketch and you're not actually wasting any fabric on it. They really push you to your limits on this class, always encouraging us to push the boundaries of style and creativity. It doesn't matter how crazy it is just so we can get used to-" Genya stopped abruptly and feels heat spreading across her face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to go on like that."

"Why are you apologizing?" David asks, frowning in his confusion.

"I got carried away, I'm sure you were looking for a shorter answer," Genya replies. She might as well have told him she's been told to shut up by other people before for talking too much about her passion.

"If I didn't want to hear your thoughts, then I wouldn't have asked," David says matter-of-factly. He sits patiently, looking at her expectantly. She blinks at him and then continues, stuttering at first and then becoming more confident as David continues to gaze at her, riveted. He doesn't interrupt her as she gushes about her sketches, her ideas, the specifics of fabrics and stitching, even going so far as to ask follow up questions.

What's her favourite fabric to work with, is there a designer she's particularly fond of, what kind of film she thinks has the best costumes? And the questions go on.

"I don't really know what I wanna do after, maybe work for a designer, maybe go into costume design for Hollywood," Genya says, finally going quiet.

"I think you'd be a great costume designer," David says with all sincerity and gives her a wide smile. And saints, that smile. It completely changes his face and does things to her insides that she can't voice.

"You think?" she asks and immediately wants to kick herself. What was that breathy voice that just came out of her.

"Yeah, some of these are so creative and different, I think it would serve you well on a set," David says as he picks up some of her sketches and looks through the drawings.

"Thank you," Genya replies timidly. She's about to ask about David but he gives her one more smile before turning his attention back to his work, the conversation over. She wants to interrupt him and learn all about him but she doesn't want to interrupt him.

They leave the library at the same time, walking side by side without saying anything. Genya can't stop herself from glancing at him every few seconds from the corner of her eye. David on the other hand looks deep in thought, like he isn't walking next to her at all. She desperately wants to see him again, wants to reach out and touch his hand but she thinks about it so long her nerves get the better of her and never does a thing about it.

"See you next time," David says at the exit, and then turns around and leaves without waiting for a response.

"We...will?" Genya asks the thin hair because David is gone before she has even comprehended what he's said.

She spends the rest of her day in a daze and then the following days afterward she asks herself if the whole incident in the library actually happened. But then she sees David in the hallway and he nods in her direction and she flushes like she's a girl of fifteen all over again. And then he begins to smile in her direction and Genya becomes so flustered she finds herself walking into pillars and water fountains on multiple occasions.

Genya sees David at least a dozen times a day, more than she has ever seen him before. Part of her wonders if he passes by the places that he's figured out she's going to be in most often. The library becomes their meeting spot. Genya spends as much time there as possible in the hopes that David will show up to see her. It comes to the point where her friend starts to complain that they never see her because she's constantly studying.

"Why are you even in the library this often, you're a fashion major," Alina whines one day when Genya announces she's off to the library.

"Fashion majors need to read," Genya replies defensively. She's shoving books into her bag when Alina reaches over and grabs the opening to stop her.

"Of course fashion majors need to read but you spend every waking second in the library, not even the history students are in there that often," Alina points out. "Is there something you're not telling me about?"

"No," Genya replies too quickly and now she sounds even guiltier. Alina has a knowing look in her eyes.

"There is someone, isn't there," Alina pounces, a gleam in her eye. She leans forward, arms crossed on the table between the two friends.

"There isn't anyone, I just really enjoy the...atmosphere," Genya says. The excuse sounds lame even to her own ears but it's the only thing she can say. What else is there to enjoy about the library.

"Genya you're the most outgoing person I know, sitting quietly in a library for hours on end is the very last thing you'd do. I can't even get you to go to a bookstore with me," Alina scoffs. Genya might have been able to get away with her evasiveness if David hadn't passed by at that very moment.

Her face lights up in happiness at the sight of him, a smile overtaking her face before she's even registering her response to him.

David smiles in return and nods his head and says, "Hey," in passing.

"Hi," she quietly breaths back but he's gone before he can hear it. Genya's gaze immediately snaps back to Alina and her friend looks back at her, smug.

"Oh I see," she says, the picture of ease, slouched low in her chair, legs spread out before her. Genya scowls back at her.

"Not a word," she snaps back mortified.

"No, no, what is there to say," Alina replies nonchalantly. "I just never mistook you for someone to go for the whole quiet nerd vibe."

"David is lovely," Genya says defensively.

"I never said he wasn't, I just said he was nerdy."

A beat of silence.

"Do you know anything about him?" Genya finally asks grudgingly.

"I'm the last person you should be asking," Alina says with a snort. "Mal would probably know more though."

"Oh yes, Mal, your little friend, and how is Mal, your friend, doing?" Genya asks, widening her eyes innocently. Alina blanches, her face going white.

"You know what, maybe you should go to the library, go there as often as you want. We're really not that close," she says. Genya lets out a cackle and wiggles her fingers goodbye before setting off.

***

"So why did you pick engineering?" Genya asks him one day. They've finally progressed to getting coffee together instead of sitting in the library all the time. The social setting makes her more comfortable but she can see the way David's shoulders are tense and he shifts in his chair restlessly.

"I like making things with my hands. Seeing a bunch of pieces and putting them together, like a puzzle," he says. "And you know, machines aren't complicated."

Genya blinks at him.

"I mean, they're not complicated in the way that people are complicated," he amends. "I've never really liked big groups of people or parties, they're so noisy, you can't hear anyone, no one can finish a sentence without being interrupted, so I just keep to myself. It's easier that way."

"But don't you get lonely?"

David turns his head towards the sun streaming in and thinks for a moment. Genya can't help but be distracted by the way the sun turns his hair brown or admire the angle of his jaw, or his nose, or his full lips. Especially his lips. What a shame they're not attached to her. Or her neck, moving down towards her ...

David. Talking. Genya blinks rapidly and pushes the thoughts of David's mouth on her neck (among other places) away to focus on what he's saying.

"Not lately. But I like spending time on my own, I don't have to worry about talking all of the time or thinking about something interesting to say. There's no pressure to be entertaining."

And while Genya hears the rest, her mind is stuck on the not lately part. She's pretty sure he means since meeting her but she's too shy to ask even though she knows David wouldn't think it embarrassing.

"And people are always saying things they don't mean," he goes on frowning. "I can never understand how dating is supposed to work. My brothers try to explain it to me but it sounds like a lot of saying what you don't mean and expecting someone to figure out what you're not saying. You can't do certain things because it makes you look needy or too eager, which makes no sense to me because wouldn't you want the person you like to know you like them?"

This is the most he's ever said to Genya she's pretty sure. Her heart leaps at the idea that he's comfortable enough around her to say these things. Her heart leaps at the way his arms looked crossed in front of him the way that they do in that snug shirt.

"That's true, it's one of the nice things about you though," she replies and when he looks at her in confusion she adds, "I can just say what I mean and what I want and you won't think I'm weird for it."

She swears she sees his cheeks turn the barest shade of pink although his brown skin hides it well.

"I think you have class, I'll walk with you," he says, clearing his throat and the two of them leave the shop together. He does that a lot lately, walking her to class that is. Genya has taken to walking him to his. She definitely doesn't stand outside the room watching his butt as he walks away from her.

Neither of them feels the need to comment on anything as they walk side by side towards the arts building.

They're at the door of her classroom, and David is in the middle of saying goodbye, when one of Genya's classmates shoves David's shoulder to get past them. The man looks Genya up and down and shoots her a wink before disappearing into the room.

Genya turns to David about to apologize when she sees the scowl he sends towards her classmate. It's the first time she's ever seen David anything other than neutral and serene and the fact that it's on her behalf makes her giddy.

"Who's that?" David asks. Genya has never been gladder of his earnest manner more than this moment. It's gratifying to hear the note of jealousy because it means she's not the only one at odds and ends in this budding friendship they have. She shouldn't like it but she does. Alina would have her head if she heard such nonsense.

"Oh just some classmate," she says with a shrug. "He does this all the time. He's quite harmless."

At least she thinks, although the man in question is a little too persistent for her tastes but surely he can only mean the flirting as a joke.

"I have to go," David says abruptly and marches off in a determined manner, leaving Genya behind wondering what's just happened.

She hopes he's not mad at her and agonizes over his behaviour the whole class, completely missing the topic at hand. When she eventually leaves, she's so miserably anxious she doesn't know what to do with herself. Genya is about to call Alina and beg her for advice but never gets the chance to decide because David is standing outside the door.

He thrusts a large bouquet of flowers at her before Genya has a chance to say anything and instinctively she reaches out to take them so they don't fall on the ground.

"For you," David says without ceremony. Genya blinks in bewilderment at him and looks between the flowers and his solemn face.

"Ah….thank you, these are beautiful," Genya says. She's sincere about the compliment but her brain is still playing catch up with her and can't quite get past the beautiful flowers and that David got them for her.

"They're red amaryllis," David offers and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "It reminds me of your hair."

She can feel tears gathering in her eyes because this is the sweetest thing anyone has done for her and she's not quite sure what she's done to deserve this man. David notices the watering eyes and his brows furrow in alarm.

"I'm sorry if you don't like them. I didn't mean to make you cry, I'll take them back," he says miserably, reaching for them. Genya moves them out of his reach.

"These are happy tears, don't you dare take these away from me. No take backs," Genya says, clutching the flowers to her chest. David relaxes and sends her one of his disarming smiles.

The gestures continue. David brings her coffee, or snacks. Sometimes he'll even hand over his own food because he sees her looking at it just a little too long in the library. Genya buys him lunch or dinner. She seeks him out in the library if she knows he's been hard at work studying and reminds him to go home. She tells him tidbits and facts that she thinks he might like. She gives him her hat if he says he's cold, and he gives her his gloves because he knows her hands are always cold.

Genya brings him little oddities she finds when she's out shopping, and David gives her books on the collections of famous fashion houses. He invites her over to his house and she bakes cookies with his mom and makes plans for a shopping trip with his sister. David agrees to meet Alina and Mal and immediately he and Mal become the best of friends.

Now when Genya arrives in the library before him, he chooses to sit next to her instead of across the table. Sometimes he throws his arm across the back of her chair casually. Sometimes the hand of that arm will unconsciously trace patterns up and down the side of Genya's arm.

Genya doesn't know how to ask him to go on a date even though they're doing things that couples do, but it seems the universe wants the two of them together even more than she does.

It happens when she's on the way to the library one evening to meet up with David. They're planning on studying together, he needs help with an English paper due in a few days, and Genya wants to spend time with him. The fact that she's not that good at writing English papers is not important.

The sun is starting to set, and she's been trying to shake off the man who shoved into David that one day but he's either not getting the hint or he's choosing to ignore them. She tries to make excuses to leave so they'll go their separate ways, but he conveniently also has nowhere to be. Genya gives curt responses and purposely makes it seem as if she's not paying attention to what he's saying. She gives dry responses to his flirtations in the hopes to deter him. When he stands too close, she very obviously puts space between them.

And now he's following her to the library and Genya is praying he leaves her alone because she's got a sneaking suspicion he's going to wait around until she leaves the library and then follow her home.

Eventually he gets to the point and asks for a date.

"You're very lovely," Genya lies through her teeth. Her smile is more of a grimace at this point. "But I'm not all that interested."

"Come on, just one date," he says, taking a step toward her. Genya takes a step back. His tone is light but she's on her guard and she knows how quickly that good humour can turn sour.

"No thank you," she insists. When he opens his mouth to say something else, she blurts out, "I have a boyfriend, his name is David. I'm on the way to see him at the library."

She doesn't know why she says it, it's the only thing she can think of, the only thing that's always worked in the past a hundred percent of the time. And as if she's summoned him herself, David appears as if from nowhere. Her knight in….well not exactly shining armour but in his favourite crewneck at least.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long, sweetheart," David's voice says. He rounds the corner, his mouth set in a grim line as he stares down the man cornering Genya. The endearment sounds a little stilted coming from him, but the natural way he puts his arm around Genya's waist and leans in to kiss her cheek makes up for it.

She feels the tension leak out of her at the contact. David is here and she's not alone, she's safe and he'll take care of this. She leans into his side, absorbing the warmth coming from him and puts her head on his shoulder.

"Hello darling, I was just picking up dinner for you," she replies as lovingly as possible. She looks up at him like he's her hero (she doesn't even have to pretend) and burrows into his side even more.

"How thoughtful of you," David replies warmly. He leans down and gives her a long, sweet kiss that sends her knees quaking. Her classmate thoroughly forgotten, David steers the two of them away from the man and they continue on to the library. Once they're far enough away, Genya lets out a long sigh.

"Thank the saints you showed up, I didn't know what I was going to do about him," Genya says. David rubs his hand up and down her back as the two of them walk.

"The nerve of him to ask out my girlfriend," David huffs. Genya drags the two of them to a halt and stares at David unblinking.

"Your what?" she asks, thinking she's misheard.

"My girlfriend," David repeats, a little slower this time as if she's hard of hearing.

"Since when am I your girlfriend?" Genya asks because she's fairly certain she would've remembered something that monumental. But no, she's certain he never asked.

"Since I brought you flowers after class?" David asks as if he's beginning to doubt himself. "I mean what have we been doing if not dating?"

"David you never asked me to be your girlfriend," Genya insists. Not that she minds the presumption but there are rules to these things.

"I didn't realize I was supposed to, I thought it was obvious. Of course you're my girlfriend, why else would I bring you home to my mom," David says, head tilted to the side. He's looking at her as if she's recently had a brain injury.

Genya's mouth has dropped open as she processes this new development. She doesn't know whether to whoop in elation or burst into song or start dancing or leap onto David right now and ravish him.

"David, you were supposed to ask," she insists and suddenly the whole ordeal is hilarious. Genya's biting her lip to stop from laughing but her shoulders are starting to shake from holding it in. It's all just so ridiculous.

Here she was agonizing over whether he wanted her and the whole time David already thought they were dating.

"Oh, do you not want to be my girlfriend then?" he asks, worry creeping into his tone. He deflates and the look of dejection on his face makes Genya want to shower him with kisses to make it go away.

"No, that's not what I meant. I- never mind, we're dating, I'm your girlfriend," Genya says with a roll of her eyes.

"But you just said-"

She cuts David off by wrapping her arms around his neck, her hands digging into his hair, and pulls his lips down to hers for a proper kiss.

"Forget what I said, okay," she says breathlessly. "You were right we've definitely been dating this whole time."

"Yes ma'am," he agrees in bewilderment. "You know we should be doing a lot more kissing since we're boyfriend and girlfriend."

Genya can't help but beam at him. "I completely agree. More kissing. Lots more kissing. In fact, I propose we go back to my room and play catch up. We've got a lot of kissing to make up for."

[augustviolet3]

Personal Financial Guidance You Can Use Every Day

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[alixofagnia]

OpheThorn II: A Slightly Less Rambling Analysis

The Missing of Clairdelune is a superb second installment in The Mirror Visitor quartet. We get more of what we loved about the first book, more pieces to the larger existential puzzle, yet it smartly stops short of resolving too much so that we stay invested for the third episode. Christelle Dabos allows herself slightly more exposition. But the novel really succeeds by continuing to follow the less-is-more mantra and the showing vs. telling style.

As you may or may not recall, after I finished A Winter’s Promise, I spent an embarrassing amount of time copy/pasting excerpts from this book into Google Translate with the result that I really did spoil a lot of the OpheThorn parts for myself—which I don’t exactly regret. But, essentially, it left me with a bit less to say. I had a good response to my first OpheThorn analysis (it’s here and thank you for all the kind words), so I did think that I’d like to put something out about Clairdelune as well, I just wasn’t sure what. After some consideration (and a re-read), I do have some more thoughts about OpheThorn.

So, here we go.

[Spoilers included this time]

[All fanart images credited to @patricialyfoung]

Intro

Since Clairdelune begins right where Promise concluded, Ophelia is still pissed at Thorn, while Thorn is still pining for Ophelia albeit in his uniquely aloof way. The only real thing that’s made me scratch my head with them is the severity of Ophelia’s anger/resentment over Thorn having withheld his true ambitions from her and her finding out about them from someone else. I just think it’s a little bit of a weak conflict for them given how pragmatic they are. I get that it’s the culmination of a frustrating situation. But I still think it’s weak.

So, once again the two begin on shaky ground, a space they occupy for the bulk of the novel. They are, at least, together a bit more than before and there’s all sorts of lovely tension, mostly caused by Thorn’s inelegant method of wooing compounded by Ophelia’s stubborn refusal to give him an inch. Thorn’s growing feelings for Ophelia were subtly hinted at in Promise and they become more apparent here, particularly when juxtaposed against Ophelia’s stubborn denial of hers for him.

And I just adore the cover art! Don’t you?

Thorn and Autism Spectrum Disorder

This is what I want to discuss. I may be alone in this, but it seems like Thorn could be coded as having autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It occurred to me while I was reading Promise and this time around, I feel comfortable in taking that perspective on Thorn. I like the notion of applying an ASD reading to his character because it explains a few descriptive quirks and makes him more than a “weirdo” or “freak”, which is reductive labeling. When considering his interactions with other characters and their reactions to him, this reading lends an added layer to his actions and overall development.

But let me make something clear.

This book isn’t about ASD, so I’m not suggesting that Dabos intended to write Thorn as having ASD or is trying to make a statement in any way on the disorder, and I’m cautious about how I use this idea to understand the character. This is purely my own speculation/take on the character.

I also want to be clear that I don’t have any personal experience with the disorder. I’ve met people with autism and ASD and they were all very different from each other and had very different needs. So, I’m largely making connections with textbook examples of ASD and they’re maybe a little bit broad because as I said it isn’t explicitly made clear that Thorn has ASD. I may very likely err in my understanding of this disorder. If that’s the case, I apologize in advance and please do correct me or give me your own opinion on this idea.

Here’s an overview from the webpage of the national institute of mental health:

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is said to be a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first two years of life. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide created by the American Psychiatric Association used to diagnose mental disorders, people with ASD have:

Difficulty with communication and interaction with other people

Restricted interests and repetitive behaviors

Symptoms that hurt the person’s ability to function properly in school, work, and other areas of life

Autism is known as a “spectrum” disorder because there is wide variation in the type and severity of symptoms people experience. Although ASD can be a lifelong disorder, treatments and services can improve a person’s symptoms and ability to function.

It’s been shown repeatedly that it’s very difficult for Thorn to be an inviting and easy-going person, even with people he cares about. Thorn struggles with  communication, is emotionally suppressed, is both uncaring and at times completely unaware of how he presents himself socially, and obsessively consults his pocket watch, particularly when he’s at a loss for words or bored, or otherwise ready to get the hell out of any situation that causes him anxiety. He’s highly intelligent, fixated on order and organization, and has a history (as we know from Promise and learn more about in Clairdelune) of meeting intense emotion with impulsive violence.

Here’s a list (also from the NIMH website) of common symptoms:

Making little or inconsistent eye contact

Tending not to look at or listen to people

Rarely sharing enjoyment of objects or activities by pointing or showing things to others

Failing to, or being slow to, respond to someone calling their name or to other verbal attempts to gain attention

Having difficulties with the back and forth of conversation

Often talking at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others are not interested or without giving others a chance to respond

Having facial expressions, movements, and gestures that do not match what is being said

Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like

Having trouble understanding another person’s point of view or being unable to predict or understand other people’s actions

Repeating certain behaviors or having unusual behaviors. For example, repeating words or phrases, a behavior called echolalia

Having a lasting intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts

Having overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or parts of objects

Getting upset by slight changes in a routine

Being more or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature

People with ASD may also experience sleep problems and irritability. Although people with ASD experience many challenges, they may also have many strengths including:

Being able to learn things in detail and remember information for long periods of time

Being strong visual and auditory learners

Excelling in math, science, music, or art

One can’t help but notice that we can check several of these points off for Thorn. Not all, certainly, but I’m sure you can call to mind some of your own examples of him exhibiting many of these behaviors repeatedly.

Where Does Ophelia Fit In?

Thorn has always treated his relationship with Ophelia in a very business-like manner, almost like a negotiation, which makes sense within the context of an arranged marriage. At the novel’s start, Thorn wishes to make amends, but Ophelia makes it very clear that she will not forgive him for his lies and neglect. His response to her is rather clinical.

“We simply can’t allow ourselves to be enemies,” cut in Thorn. “You’re making my life difficult with your resentment; it’s imperative that we become reconciled. […] Meet me at the Treasury, insult me, slap me, smash a plate over my head if you feel like it, and then let’s never speak of it again. Name your day. This Thursday would suit me.” [65]

I suppose this is a rather annoying response, especially if one is really just looking for a simple and genuine apology. But if we read Thorn as having ASD, then this feels a little different. He’s simplifying a conflict that he maybe doesn’t quite understand; he’s been given a different perspective on his actions and it’s perhaps beyond his capability to comprehend. To compensate, he turns this into a matter of business, which is something he can understand quite well, even going so far as to try and pencil Ophelia into his calendar. But he’s woefully unaware of the frustrating effect his language and tone have on her. Of course, what’s key here is what he isn’t saying: that she’s making his life difficult because he loves her; he wants to be on good terms, but doesn’t know how to fix this. Note that he again suggests violence as a means to deal with her emotion.

When they do meet up, Thorn says, 

“I have many enemies. I no longer want to count you among them, so tell me what I must do. That is why you came here, isn’t it? You have a deal to offer me, I’m listening to you.” [152]

He’s desperate. It’s also worth noting that he’s fairly vulnerable in this chapter; he exhibits jealousy and some hurt—Ophelia missed their original appointment because she was with Archibald and forgot about him. 

Modest as always, Ophelia asks only for a job, money to pay Fox, her new assistant, and to see the real outdoors again. She lastly requests that he always be honest with her, especially in matters that directly concern her. In exchange, she will teach him how to Read objects after the ceremony of the Gift and he will teach her how to use the claws that he’ll pass to her. She also reiterates, for good measure, that this will be their only conjugal duty. He grants the first three readily enough, but the fourth one trips him up. He does agree to it, but it’s obvious that it will cost him in more ways than one.

While I imagine that he’s receptive on some level to sexual intimacy with Ophelia, I think he’s more afraid of intimacy in general. Sharing things and being honest with a partner means opening oneself up to vulnerability, to weakness. The undertaking he’s set for himself—a mission he’s already devoted 15 years of his life to—doesn’t allow for that kind of intimacy; rather, it requires utmost resiliency, secrecy, and focus. Furthermore, if he were to be seen forming loving attachments (with Berenilde, Ophelia, or anyone else), then that could be turned against him over the course of fulfilling his risky endeavor. It’s that very fear, in fact, which has made him exclude his aunt (and attempt to exclude Ophelia) entirely from his investigation. His pursuit of a noble title and legitimacy is a front, an easy excuse he thought up to satisfy Berenilde’s and the court’s curiosity about why he suddenly wanted to get married and Read Farouk’s Book.

Like Thorn, it scares Ophelia to feel herself falling in love. Perhaps the womanly pride she carries with her makes it difficult for her to open up. After all, love and marriage were never apparently high on her list of things to accomplish either. Ophelia and Thorn are separately dealing with the same conundrum, which is that to love means to fear, and that’s messy. It could get in the way of a life that is humble (Ophelia) and a life that is ambitious (Thorn). Simply put, neither one had accounted for even the possibility of love in their marriage.

Perhaps because Ophelia is a Reader, I think that deep down she likes the enigma and challenge that is Thorn. Yes, he’s frustrating, but she never truly loses interest in him. Indeed, if anything, she becomes increasingly intrigued and is entirely won over when she at last learns all about what he’s doing. Ophelia is very likely the first person to make Thorn both confront and attempt to correct his inadequacy in areas of intimacy. As I touched on in my previous analysis, Ophelia calling Thorn out on his behavior and habits is surely a novelty for him.

“I believe neither in luck nor in destiny,” he declared. “I trust only the science of probabilities. I have studied mathematical statistics, combinatorial analysis, mass function, and random variables, and they have never held any surprises for me. You don’t seem fully to grasp the destabilizing effect that someone like you can have on someone like me.” [377]

Ohhhhkay. 

It turns out, she’s a bit of an enigma and definitely a challenge to him in kind. This is Thorn’s way of trying to tell Ophelia that he loves her. 

Thorn and Ophelia seek control and wield it differently. Thorn can be arrogant and overconfident with it, and he wants to be its sole retainer. Ophelia also wants to retain it but as it pertains to her decisions for herself, and she rebels against it when she feels like that’s being taken away from her. It’s important to them that they are in control of their own actions and destinies. But what neither one of them understands is that those we end up loving is often (or maybe always) outside of our control. Love has no explanation, and doesn’t require one. You can’t predict it. You can’t dictate it. You can’t calculate it or quantify it.

Ophelia seriously turns Thorn’s life, and everything he thought he could predict or control about it, upside down. Initially unwittingly, then actively, she encourages him to develop.

ASD Made Sexy

As inelegant as he is, Thorn does have his own way of being shocking:

“You wanted me to be honest with you. You will thus learn that you are not just a pair of hands for me. And I don’t give a damn whether people find me suspect, as long as I am not so in your eyes. You will return this to me when I have kept all my promises,” he grumbled, holding his watch out to Ophelia without noticing her stunned expression. “And if you still doubt me in the future, just read it.” [156].

You guys, this is kind of romantic, right? He’s so direct and it really flusters Ophelia, who is steadfastly resisting the decidedly non-business-like turn their relationship has taken. Skip to novel’s end, however, and she has totally changed her tune about Thorn. Right before they believe they will be parted forever, Thorn finally gives a straightforward confirmation of his feelings.

“Don’t go falling down any more stairs, avoid sharp objects, and above all, above all, keep away from disreputable people, alright? […] Oh, and by the way, I love you.” [486]

Swoon. 

The fact of the matter is this: despite his unconventional looks and mannerisms, Thorn hits a certain level of sexy. Which begs the question: Can ASD be sexy? Sure, one could say that his sex appeal comes naturally with his role as the male lead, which is directly connected to his chemistry with the female lead. But I think there’s actually an important distinction to be made; it’s not whether ASD itself is sexy, it’s whether a character with ASD is sexy and I think that’s important because you don’t want ASD to be treated as a gimmick in fiction. It matters how that kind of character is presented. 

Thorn’s ASD traits make him eccentric at best and a “freak” at worst, by Ophelia’s own description. Some of Thorn’s less offensive eccentricities are portrayed in an endearing light: his brusqueness with silly persons (i.e. Archibald, Baron Melchior) and their silly behavior; wearing his heavy uniform in a tropical illusion when there’s no evident dress policy for officials; preoccupied with tending to the order of his office over the tending of his wounds; launching a dangerous existential investigation all because of an illegal and unjust disruption in odds and probabilities, an utter crime in Thorn’s eyes.

But it’s also important to look at how other characters view him. Those at the Pole may look down on him, but there is no doubt that he commands a considerable level of their respect. He’s at the center of Citaceleste’s political and economical arenas, and has some judicial power as well. In short, he’s the one that everyone seemingly runs to in a crisis. Ophelia begrudgingly admires his self-control, coolness under pressure, and appreciates that he is not corrupt, like the other officials and aristocrats. Naturally, Berenilde regards him the highest. She, more than any other, gives us a glimpse of the true Thorn, putting forward the image of a protector, provider, and all-around genius.

So, the answer is yes. Thorn is sexy.

Ophelia and Asexuality

OK, I realize I’m going off on a tangent here, but since asexuality is a common reading of Ophelia that I see in reviews, I wanted to address that as well. 

There are many instances of Ophelia fulfilling, for lack of a better way to put it, the butterfly trope:

Perhaps it was due to the nervousness Thorn brought out in her, or the lace veil obscuring her vision, or the scarf coiled around her foot, or her pathological clumsiness, but the fact is, Ophelia tripped on the final step of the stairs. [28]

Hearing Thorn reawakened such nervousness in Ophelia that she seriously considered hanging up on him. [63]

She did, however, have to admit that Berenilde had got it right: it was indeed out of cowardice, more even than anger, that she’d spent recent weeks avoiding him. [100]

Somewhat embarrassed, Ophelia wondered whether he felt as nervous in her company as she felt in his. [160]

Ophelia felt her blood throbbing against her eardrums, but couldn’t have said whether it was due to sudden relief or, on the contrary, heightened tension. [323]

Ophelia gets butterflies whenever her love interest is near. It’s important to note that she’s not afraid for her safety when she’s with him, although there is one incident, where she thinks he’s going to strike her, which is quickly dispelled by his sincere assurance that he’d never harm her. He gives her butterflies often by doing totally mundane things such as standing in front of her or looking at her, and that bothers her. But why? 

Like Thorn, she’s convinced herself that intimacy and love aren’t for her. Some reviewers have praised Ophelia for being a representation of asexuality and, while I think there’s a strong case for her being somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I stop short at positing that she’s totally uninterested in sex or doesn’t experience sexual attraction. She’s noted, on several occasions, both in Clairdelune and Promise, Archibald’s handsomeness. In this novel, she also notes Fox’s.

With his gold braiding and red mane, he was as dazzling as Thorn was dark. Ophelia sensed herself coloring just looking at him. [165]

So, she does experience sexual attraction and, furthermore, she physically reacts to Fox’s appearance (though never to Archibald’s), which suggests that she’s not wholly disinterested in sex. In Promise, she commented that “no man had ever quickened her pulse” and lamented about whether she’d ever feel that way about someone, and I think this is probably the point at which most readers took away that she might be asexual.

But, like...

Thorn is the only man who produces intense and consistent physical reactions in her.

Also, if you look at the [323] quote above, he did in fact get her pulse up. Just saying.

Rather than label her as purely asexual or even being on the spectrum, we could instead speculate that, as a Reader, she’s experienced to some degree love in all its forms through countless objects and perhaps she can’t help having this reaction to love and intimacy. I’m not trying to be cynical or pessimistic, but love can be treacherous and people are driven to do all kinds of terrible things for it or because of it. As wonderful as love is despite that, it seems likely that Ophelia has simply decided it’s not something she wants to navigate. Or she just hadn’t met someone yet who was worth all that trouble.

I’ll Close With This:

“You’re free,” whispered Ophelia. “Free to go, free to stay. I won’t make you leave one cage for another one, although, as you’ve seen, I really don’t live in great security. I decided your fate without taking time to think, or to speak to you. I was selfish…and I still am. […] I still am because, deep down, I would like you to choose to remain by my side. I know that apologizing can no longer change anything, but anyway: forgive me.” [135]

Ophelia says this to Fox after rescuing him from the dungeons of Clairdelune and taking him on as an assistant. Now, when I read this, I couldn’t help but think that it’s precisely the apology Ophelia wants to hear from Thorn. Yet, here she is, guilty of doing to someone the very thing she holds against him. Isn’t it funny how hypocrisy and love are such good friends? As we know, articulation and eloquence are not Thorn’s strengths and some of Ophelia’s aversion to him is based around her inability to accept this part of him. 

Eventually, Thorn does make, more or less, the same apology.

“I should never have involved you in my affairs. I knew it would be dangerous. I convinced myself that I had the situation under control, and that mistake almost cost you your life. […] There is one thing that I have tried to tell you several times. I’m no good at these formalities, so let’s get on with it and speak no more of it. […] Please forgive me.” [444-45]

Strangely, she barely acknowledges this; she’s too busy having an epiphany.

At that second, she finally knew with absolute certainty where her place was. It wasn’t in the Pole, it wasn’t on Anima. It was precisely where she was now. At Thorn’s side. [445]

Well, perhaps this isn’t so strange since the novel starts off posing the question to this answer.

Deep down, Ophelia wondered where exactly her first home might be. Since she’d arrived at the Pole, she’d already visited Berenilde’s manor, the Clairdelune embassy, and her fiancés Treasury, and she hadn’t felt at home in any of them. [24]

The theme of home and belonging permeates this novel in a more central way than its predecessor. Ophelia is repeatedly confronted by it, but it’s also echoed in Farouk’s obsession with the Reading of his Book and finding out where he comes from and what happened in his past. When her family arrives from Anima, she sees the Pole and Thorn through their eyes. She ends up defending both from their disapproving remarks and in doing so, she realizes that she has ceased thinking of Anima as her home.

Life in the Pole was like that: wherever one went, whatever one did, danger was part of daily life. And yet, Ophelia reflected, she didn’t hate it that much, that life. [280]

Thorn’s apology seals the deal: she understands now that she was mistaken. Home is not a place. People, those who love you and who you love in return, give a home meaning. Belonging, likewise, is only made possible by the people who accept you and give you a place among them. It’s been hard-won, but she’s found both in the Pole, in Thorn and Berenilde. Her lack of a direct response to Thorn’s words suggests that she’s already forgiven him, that it matters less to her that he struggles with communication, that she’s finally accepted him for who he is and, better still, found him lovable despite that.

If we read Thorn as having ASD, then this intense dynamic between them is a positive treatment of mental/social disorders in fiction, which is really the only point I had to make with this entire thing.

Where Does Ophelia End?

I asked this question in my last analysis. Based off of the fact that, when we left her in Promise, she was experiencing some serious discomfort in body and soul directly connected to Thorn, I predicted/semi-already-knew that she would evolve toward him.

At one point, Ophelia loses the ability to pass through mirrors. We understand that it’s because she’s been lying to herself; after all, her great-uncle made it very clear that mirror-traveling is impossible under such a circumstance. It’s ironic because, by her own admission, she’s a “bad actress” [161] and, according to her mother, “was never any good at lying” [157].

She’s just so stubborn, isn’t she? It’s gratifying then to read when Ophelia overcomes it. Thorn makes a public announcement, cancelling his marriage, refusing to Read Farouk’s Book, and handing in his resignation as Treasurer. He does this to protect Ophelia and her family from imminent danger but at risk to his own welfare and position. He’s basically committing suicide, which very nearly turns literal at novel’s end. Ophelia can only think to go to him by the quickest means possible.

She looked straight at her determined face, beyond its scratches and bruises, finally ready to face that truth that she hadn’t wanted to see. It wasn’t Thorn who needed her. It was she who needed Thorn. Ophelia plunged, body and soul, into the mirror. [416]

I don’t think I need to spell that out.

Thorn and His Watch

To go on a little bit of a tangent, I also wanted to touch on the watch.

I believe it was mentioned in Promise that the watch had been a gift from Berenilde, which is so precious. Berenilde is the only true parental figure Thorn has known. She used her status and wealth to protect and care for him, and seems to understand him as only a mother--one with a child the rest of the world refuses to accept--can. I thought her reaction to Thorn’s suicidal announcement was especially devastating.

She had begun to shake so hard that Agatha rushed to take the baby from her arms. Bent double in her chair, as though punched in the stomach, Berenilde looked imploringly at Ophelia. “I beg you. Don’t abandon my boy.” [412]

Keep in mind that Berenilde has outlived her three biological children, none of whom survived past childhood. Thorn is such a lonely figure that it’s easy to forget he comes from somewhere. But Berenilde’s reminder to us is clear: he’s not the child of his Dragon father nor of his Chronicler mother. Thorn is her child, and she’s terrified of losing him like the others.

While there can be no doubt of her sentiment toward Thorn, it’s entirely likely that Berenilde foisted much of her maternal grief, trauma, and longing onto him without his express permission; he never seems to regard her with any particular filial warmth. Then again, he once attacked Archibald in defense of Berenilde’s honor, after he seduced her away from Farouk, and Ophelia later notes that he “suspended an investigation and jumped into an airship” to be near to Berenilde when she went into labor with her daughter [373]. Thorn is clearly defined rather more by his actions than his words. But the point is Berenilde is the one who gave Thorn his sense of belonging, and I just adore that.

Metaphorically speaking, the watch represents Thorn’s heart, which was given to him by his mother figure and which he gives to Ophelia as a token of his love and trustworthiness. Indeed, it’s even called a “mechanical heart” [156]. Ophelia has Read one of Thorn’s possessions before (dice) and was overwhelmed by the fury and breadth of his emotions. If she were to Read his watch, she’d probably die. Every time he digs it out of his pocket to look at it, to hold it, to fiddle with it, he’s engraving some emotional signature or trace onto it. Ophelia ultimately decides not to Read it.

“Before you go, I would like to return this to you. You need it more than me, and, in any case, I won’t read it. I’ve chosen to trust you—you, not your watch.” [285]

Her words have a profound effect on Thorn, rendering him totally speechless and maybe more confused than ever. At any rate, he misreads the situation and catches Ophelia off guard with an awkward kiss. It’s kind of a heartbreaking scene, because Ophelia simply reacts (by slapping him) and is genuinely baffled that he took her words for encouragement. I don’t necessarily take this to be evidence of her asexuality. I don’t discredit it by any means, but it just feels more like she was taken by surprise.

The thing is, for perhaps the first time ever in his life, he actively desired for someone to know his true heart and to trust in his sincerity, which is why he gave the watch to her in the first place. In his defense, this was quite a pretty and irresistible thing for Ophelia to tell him and I don’t think she’s as put off as she wants to be.

With ears burning and glasses crimson, Ophelia stared at the faded letters on the old wooden panel—“STAFF ONLY”—as if Thorn might, at any moment, retrace his steps, take back his kiss, and leave his fob watch with her, as she’d suggested in the first place. [286]

It’s funny. She wants to erase the uncomfortable physical side of the incident, but she also wants to retain his metaphorical heart. I mean, yes, it’s broken because of some careless action on her part and she asked for it back so her great-uncle could try to fix it. But still. It’s hard to ignore the metaphor there as well: if the heart watch has changed from beating to broken and she wants to hold onto the broken heart watch to try to mend it…

Well, good Lord, it’s just so obvious, isn’t it?

End

Well, that’s about it. As I said, I really only had the one main thought and then a bunch of smaller ones. 

I just learned—and am seriously devastated—that The Memory of Babel won’t be released in the U.S. until May 2020. I’m hoping this is a tentative date and that it will be available sooner.

In the meantime, if someone could upload a PDF that I could then spend days plugging in to Google Translate (again), that’d be super greeeeaaaat…

For part III, head here.

[harmonie-writes]

Baba Yaga - Happy End

Quirk: Dream-Scaping/putting people to sleep - when your quirk is active black sandy-mist comes off the black ivy patterns that swirls across your body while your eyes become a grey fog color. When someone falls under the Reader’s gaze their eye color will match and become paralyzed by fear. The other part of the quirk is shooting a black sand-like mist into the opponents eyes and they will fall asleep with nightmares. Your quirk is actually quite beautiful to someone who is viewing it from the outside watching as the black mist rolls off the ivy patterns of your skin.

AN: italics are thoughts and past events

----------

Baba Yaga pt. 1 I pt. 2 I pt. 3

----------

Recap:

- Holding your free hand to your face you tried hiding your tear stained face even though you know Midoriya could hear your broken sobs

- His heart clenched seeing you so broken

- Bring you into his chest he held you as you cried out

- “When you feel comfortable will you please tell me about that offer you were made?”

- Hiccupping you wiped your eyes, “I don’t think you would want to know that or the answer I come to…”

- Midoriya’s hand hesitated on your back as he let just that information set in

- It dawned on him that you might run away again

----------

- Pulling away from the hug slightly Midoriya tilted your face up so he could get a good look at you

- “You don’t plan on running again are you?” the intensity of his emerald eyes bore into yours

- He noticed that your eyes were clouded with emotions, it was a complete hurricane inside your (e/c) orbs. He also couldn’t help but take time to stare at the black ivy that peaked out of your shirt collar and resting just at the bottom of your chin.

- Letting out a shaky breath you tried containing your sniffling. “I-I don’t know... I haven’t decided...”

- Nodding Midoriya helped you back to your feet and tried wiping away your remaining tears

- I can’t believe I didn’t give her a chance back then... we used to be so close...

- Giving Midoriya a shaky smile you squeezed his hand before letting go and slipping back into the school heading toward class

- Picking up his hero notebook and the rest of his belongings he followed behind you, but he mind was occupied on what he could do to make you stay. To actually give 1-A a chance.

- Rubbing your cheeks you tried to remove any trace that you had been crying, although you knew your attempts were probably in vain it couldn’t hurt right?

- Sliding into your desk you just wished the day to be over

----------

- Packing your bag you got ready to leave until you felt a hand placed on your shoulder. You tensed immediately at the foreign contact

- “Relax (Y/N) its me...” the owner of the warm hand replied. Turning to look at the hand you followed it to its owner. 

- “Can I help you?” you asked looking away from the ash blonde male

- You heard him huff before your were physically turned towards said male

- You glanced around the room noticing that most people had already left or were at least waiting outside the classroom before looking back at the tall male

- “I just wanted to apologize... for well everything,” Bakugou muttered so only you would hear.

- You stared at him for a solid minute unable to comprehend what exactly was happening until he flicked your forehead

- “Oh um thank you Bakugou...” you told him that, but you weren’t sure if you were quite ready to forgive yet

- “Take your time and I will see you later,” Bakugou shrugged and walked away and you watched his figure disappear through the door before going back to packing your belongings

- At least they’re trying...I guess

- Walking back down the usual way you go to and from UA you were lost in your thoughts until you made it into the safety of your quiet apartment

- You had lost to contemplate: Could you ever be their friend again? Would you even want to? 

- Lifting your hand you pointed your index finger and little bits of black sand started rolling off the ivy patterns enough to create a small black horse that ran around your room

- Ah yes, the little nightmares you have learned to shape on command. You were proud of your own progress and smiled as the small nightmare pranced around above your head

- Could your quirk even be heroic?

- Waking up the next morning you looked over at your phone and noticed that you had been added to 1A’s group chat and that everyone was planning on going out for dinner after class. You even saw that Midoriya persoanlly extended that invitation to you in the chat

- I guess he really is trying to be the friend he should’ve been just like he said...

- Rubbing the sleep from your eyes you got on with your day 

- Entering the classroom Midoriya’s head turned and saw it was you. His smile was sad for a brief moment as he looked at you remembering yesterday’s conversation, but that changed when he thought about the class’ plan for the evening.

- “Hey (Y/N)!” Midoriya walked up to your desk. “Do you plan on going tonight?” He looked at you with hopeful eyes.

- Studying him you looked closely at his eyes. You know they say the eyes are the window to a person’s soul. You were checking to see if his eyes held anything other than being hopeful/eager to try and be your friend again. You didn’t want to see guilt and apart of you thought that if you saw guilt in his eyes that he was only doing it to make himself feel better, not you.

- But you didn’t see anything. Just Midoriya being well Midoriya. 

- “I guess it’ll be fun to go...” you trailed off as you looked away from his eyes and happened to miss the smile that touched his face, but you heard the smile in his reply.

- “It’ll be amazing! I want to know more about everything!” the excitement in his voice was contagious and you tried hiding your smile behind your textbook, but Midoriya still saw it. 

- The observant little shit 

----------

- “We need to go check in on our little nightmare tonight and see what her decision is,” Shigaraki said holding onto his game console and looked over at Dabi. 

- If anyone could persuade you to join them again it would be Dabi

---------

- “So Midoriya,” you walked up to the greenette and his friends, “what exactly is the plan for tonight?”

- Everyone gave a smile or a hello to you showing up. Honestly they were a little surprised and relieved that you decided to come. 

- “Well we are going to that one ramen place that everyone has agreed on and then might do something after, but we haven’t gotten that far. Does that sound okay to you?” He asked and received a nod.

----------

- After dinner you were all walking along the beach

- You were actually happy! Your classmates didn’t act scared of your quirk and you were relieved that none of them seemed to be acting

- Everything was fine and dandy until you saw that all too familiar black and purple mist

- “Shit...” you muttered and Midoriya turned to look at you and based off your alarmed facial expression this couldn’t be a good thing

- “Be ready! We have seen this before!” Iida called somewhere in front and everyone, but you got into a fighting position

- You clasped your hands together in worry, because you weren’t sure why they would all becoming or how they knew where to find you

- Seeing the very familiar build of the fire user made your breath catch

- Fucking dammit you thought as you watched him make his way forward only to stop a few yards in front of you as the rest of the league walked out behind him

- To the league they couldn’t see you in the back so Dabi called out. “(Y/N)! We want to talk!” 

- All of your classmates looked at you with alarm in their eyes, one thought being shared (other than Midoriya): did she set us up?

- Your classmates made way as you walked through them, but they were confused on why you looked anxious, scared even

- Stopping in front of your classmates you finally looked up to meet eyes with Dabi and the rest of the LOV

- “Have you made a decision little nightmare?” Dabi asked his tone somewhere between demanding but held a bit of gentleness (c’mon it was you)

- “I-I” you started but were cut off

- “What the hell does it matter to you scar face?” Bakugou pushed you behind him with Kirishima on his left.

- “We aren’t here for you blondie. We only came for the nightmare.” Kirogiri said locking eyes with you

- “The hell (Y/N) is going with you bastards!” Bakugou wanting to protect you, even though it came out as anger got the best of him

- “We can either do this the easy way (Y/N) or the hard way.”

- At this point Jirou had gently pulled you to the back of the class again in an attempt to hide you

- “The hard way it is then.”

- The league started charging at 1A, the people who were trying to protect you

- Correction, your friends were protecting you, and you watched as some got thrown around, beat and cut up from villains

- At first you didn’t know what to do until you saw your friends starting to struggle

- “ENOUGH!” your voice carried over the battlefield and some people stopped what they were doing to look at you

- Throwing off your jacket you revealed your bare arms and held them up. Your eyes became milky white as you raised your arms up and pointed them in front of you. Black, sandy tendrils started coiling off the ivy that was visible, and your hair stood on end being blown by the nonexistent wind. 

- At this point almost all eyes were on you, fear. The very thing that made your quirk oh so powerful. No one knew who your target was, but they would soon find out.

- The mass of black that formed behind you started separating and shaping themselves

- As they looked on they watched the black sand become large horses

- “Sweet dreams,” you muttered before the black horse charged forward leaving behind wispy trails of sand.

- It was almost as if everything was happening in slow motion

- Your friends watched as the horses charged passed them and collided with the villains and dissipating into the black sand again leaving them paralyzed in their own nightmares

- “Iida!” you called, but kept your focus on maintaining the paralysis of fear in the individuals who were caught in the sand

- Running over to you he looked down at you. “Get the teachers and the police! Hurry!”

- Hearing him sprint off you turned your focus back to the task at hand

- Slowly 1A made their way to your side in awe of the power that you quirk could do. 

- “Momo I need you to do me a favor,” you said not looking in her direction, afraid that the loss of concentration will break your hold on them

- “Anything. What do you need?” “Rope or anything to bind their hands and feet.” Nodding she started creating a strong material that couldn’t be broken

- “Bakugou,” you grunted out feeling sweat starting to form on your brow, “I need you and a few others to remove any weapons they might have on them.”

- “You heard the lady. Lets go,” Bakugou said as a few other boys followed him to neutralize the situation while the others started tying up the captured

- Upon hearing the authorities and some teachers you released your hold on the villains and slumped to the ground

- Midoriya ran up to your limp body and picked you up

- Everyone looked back to the villains you held captured and watched as the black sand slowly trickled away from them and back to you before disappearing

- “What happened here?” Aizawa asked walking up to Midoriya to looked at your unconscious form in his arms

- “The League came to take her back. Fighting started but (Y/N) managed to paralyze those who didn’t escape and neutralize the problem,” Todoroki said coming up to stand next to the shorter male

- An officer wrote down the report. “We will need (Y/N)’s testimony as well when they wake up,” the officer said glancing down at you before hauling the captured villains into police cars

-  Eyes fluttering open you breathed in a gasp as you looked around

- Dear God you startled the poor boy who was holding, literally almost caused him to drop you

- “I’m so sorry I have ever doubted you (Y/N),” Midoriya said hugging you tightly, “you will make an incredible hero.”

- Smiling tiredly you returned the hug until he held you at arms length and started shaking you

- “When could you make shapes with the sand!?” Midoriya asked shaking you by your shoulders

- Laughing you shook him back, “They’re dreams Midoriya! They can always be manipulated!”

- “Not bad Nightmare,” Bakugou said ruffling your hair. Huffing you fixed your hair sending the blonde a playful glare

- “Oh I will show you a nightmare,” You teased flicking your wrist at him making him flinch, but nothing happened

- He just saw you laughing as you made a quick get away from him, and he gave chase after you while yelling

- “Yeah she is going to make a great hero,” Midoriya said crossing his arms watching his old friend and his old friend now new friend chase each other

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AN: Hello everyone! Here is the first part of the two endings for Baba Yaga! Thank you everyone who has been supportive to this fanfic! 🖤-dvoz

[mintchocolatemika]

What I use to learn Korean

Masterlist // Home // Ask

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Hello everyone! This is a master list of what I personally use and recommend for anyone wanting to learn Korean

Happy studying~

_

Textbooks

Integrated Korean textbook

                      ↳ This textbook is actually more of a supplemental book meant for in class. Sometimes it's not very useful because of that reason. There are exercises that ask to do with a partner and such. As far as grammar though it's really useful.

Integrated Korean Workbook

                       ↳ This workbook isn't necessary for the textbook but it really helps. The supplemental exercises really help if you are struggling with something. (especially if you aren't using this in a class.)

Korean Verbs Guide

                        ↳ This book is honestly a lifesaver. Its a dictionary crossed with a textbook. It gives you the dictionary form of the verb and shows you all the possible conjugations for that particular verb.

Korean at a glance

                        ↳ Korean at a Glance is a travel/phrasebook. These phrasebooks are really useful not just for travelling, but also for learning basic sentences and phrases. pretty much everything in this book is useful for living in Korea and speaking Korean.

Korean Stories for Language Learners

                          ↳ This is super good for beginners. You start out with a few simple sentences and work our way up to stories that are a few pages long. The English translation is below/on the next page and they have a vocabulary list at the end of each story. At the end of each story, there is also comprehension questions and a writing activity you can do.

_

Apps

(All links for ios)

Naver Dictionary

                       ↳ Ok, not much to say except its a dictionary.

Quizlet

                       ↳ I like quizlet bc it's easy to use and free unlike Anki *cough* *cough*. As far as I know, it’s not space repetition but it still works because you can add pictures and sounds to your cards. It’s also really cheap for a subscription which allows you to save sets to study offline, add pictures, scan documents, and some other things for only about 20USD a year. Click here to go to my quizlet.

Hi Native

                         ↳ This app is really cool. I like to compare it to Twitter. It's basically an app where you ask questions about language or a country and people who are native to that language and country respond to it. You can scroll through multiple different feeds of different countries and languages. You actually pick up quite a bit from this app.

Rakuten Viki

                         ↳ This app is just to watch dramas on tbh. I learned most of what I know in Korean through watching dramas so I utilise this app a lot. There is also a learning mode where English and Korean subtitles are displayed. You can also click on the subtitles and it will show you the translation of the word/ sentence.

Pimsleur

                         ↳ Pimsleur is a lifesaver. I am reading at a beginner intermediate level but I can only comprehend and speak like an absolute beginner. This app, while expensive, is good if you are having trouble with comprehension and speaking. The biggest downside to this app it that it comes with no transcribes and it is 15USD a month. 

_

Websites

Talktomeinkorean.com

                         ↳  I mainly use this app for little tidbits of information. I believe they have their textbook lessons on their website as well but I personally don’t like their lessons. But they have lots of good videos and blog articles that you can watch and read.

Gobillykorean.com

                      ↳ His website and youtube channel has been my recent obsession. He makes the best explanation videos and best live lessons out 9of anyone I've  watched.

_

Click here for a list of my supplies/ stationary.

_

My methods for learning

Contextual learning

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[studyforfe]

FE Electrical | PE Power – How to Deepen Your Understanding of Concepts

The Difference Between Surface and Deep Level Understanding

In the early 20th century, Nobel prize-winning physicist Max Planck toured Germany to give lectures on quantum mechanics. He used the same chauffeur to drive him across the country who also happened to accompany him to the lecture hall each time. After hundreds of trips, the chauffeur half-jokingly suggested that at this point he’d memorized the lecture so well he could deliver it by himself just as well as Max Planck could. Max Planck, not so jokingly, decided to take him up on the offer.

At the next event, the chauffeur went ahead and began to deliver the lecture by himself, which he did perfectly. To his delight, he received great applause from everyone in the room, but then came time for the questions. As you may have expected, the chauffeur couldn’t begin to comprehend the question despite having “learned” the lecture and watching Max Planck answer hundreds of questions in previous events. This story demonstrates an important distinction between surface level ‘Chauffeur knowledge’, and deep ‘Planck knowledge’. In your preparation for the FE Electrical and PE Power Exam, it’s crucial that you minimize the former and instead, try to develop deep understandings of the concepts so that you can tackle any question on the exam.

But how do you develop these deep concepts instead of falling into the trap of passively reviewing and memorizing? In order to develop a deeper understanding of concepts, you need to be critical of your own understanding. An extremely simple yet powerful systematic way of testing your own understanding of concepts is a technique known as The Feynman Method, popularized by Richard Feynman.

For More Pro Tips Like these, enroll into my FE Course. To get started checkout the FREE Webinar now!

Who was Richard Feynman?

Richard Feynman was a Nobel prize-winning physicist who invented Feynman Diagrams and contributed immensely to quantum electrodynamics. But his massive fame in today’s day and age comes from a different reason. Feynman was nicknamed “The Great Explainer” for his incredible ability to simplify extremely complex topics and teach them effectively. Its easy to complicate concepts and ideas with wordy definitions, but it requires a deep understanding to take a complicated idea and explain it simply.

How do I use the Feynman Technique?

Take out a piece of paper and write the name of the concept at the top.

Write the definition/explanation of the concept under including all scientific jargon and complicated terms.

Rewrite this sentence in simple words.

As you’re writing it in simpler words, you will notice when you have weaknesses because you’re having trouble explaining it simple terms. Take note of these weaknesses or part of the concept that you don’t understand so that you can learn them.

Which topics should I use for the Feynman Technique?

If you get a question wrong on the On-Demand Course, Study Guide, or Practice Exams, always ask yourself why you got it wrong. More often than not, its because you didn’t understand the concept that well. You should be very critical of this gap in your understanding so that you can fix it. By re-visiting the topic and then using the Feynman Technique, you can help confirm that you understand the topic well.

How does the Feynman Method Help?

The FE Electrical and PE Power Exams are concept-heavy tests that require you to apply what you’ve learned to a variety of problems. There is no use in memorizing formulas or re-reading textbooks. Instead, it is far more helpful to fill gaps in your understanding so that you can tackle more practice problems. The two ingredients for a successful attempt at the exams is a solid understanding of the wide range of topics and lots of practice so that you have the confidence and experience to handle anything the exam can throw at you.

[rigelmejo]

February Progress Update, March Goals:

(Updated as it’s now the end of the month) How February went:

Chinese novel chapters read in February (so far): 27 (a huge amount! Last month’s was 8. This month - 4 were Guardian, the rest are 寒舍)

Chapters I studied with Listening-Reading Method: 2 (Catch me barely doing L-R and just reading Guardian instead...)

Chinese shows watched: 6. (I expected this number to shoot up and I was right! Word of Honor - tian ya ke adaptation - is airing and I am watching the raws first then the English subs as they release. I’m also maybe going to start Anti Fraud League since I finally finished ep 1. YouTube recommended me another Zhen zhehan drama - he plays Zhou Zishu in woh. It’s called Demon Girl and I’d had it in my list to practice anyway with when I got bored since it’s set 1920-1940s, one of my fave drama settings, featuring a demon heroine in which demons are like mutants who live among us. Which happens to be my LITERAL favorite story setup - mutants/monsters/etc sci fi or supernatural setup in which the story uses it to tell fantastical tales while also commenting on real social issues. Some stories do it better than others - In The Flesh and Bureau of Transformer do excellently, Love and Redemption and Guardian do some fascinating stuff with it, Heroes touches on it only a little compared to Xmen which is known for it, and Merlin often failed to commit to a strong message. But regardless - if a story has this Setup I will ultimately wanna see. So that show definirely has 3 selling points now: my Fave story setup, a heroine as the lead, and an actor I like as the other lead. I also found Mystic Nine and LORD Critical World in HD on a chinese site so I’m very tempted to just watch them in chinese only since it’s more convienient then the english sub links I have for the shows. An interesting update: trying to watch a show this month was easier than in the past - last month I could barely watch Any shows, and before that I distinctly remember shows being harder to catch the details. I watched Anti Fraud League ep 1 fully this month and caught all details roughly without pausing - and like 3 sentences of exposition on main character Mi Huo I paused and replayed the scene just to catch all the chinese subtitles and clarify I understood correctly. I think I got about 90% of the details - because I was a little vague on some word meanings and just guessed on those. And grasped 100% of the overall plot. which is well beyond where I was at month 10-11ish last time I tried watching shows. Also yay! A detective show felt as easy as watching a fluff romance which is so great, because I like this genre much more! Although I am going to give a grateful shout out to Granting You A Dreamlike Life because... while the shows first 15 eps I did watch are Not My Thing, I watched it like 8+ months into learning and it was both a challenge and easy enough TO watch and keep watching. Which made it great for improving. I really think it helped a lot. And I also think... at this point I probably could rewatch guardian without eng subs and be fine. When I watch shan he ling today I guess I’ll find out if I can handle a wuxia plot though without eng subs lol)

Japanese Audio listened to: 14 (no change, this is since start of year)

Personal books read: 11 (since 2021 started - so 6 books in February. I have been reading SO MUCH lately, I’m really excited? I’ve been meaning to read so many of my books I just hadn’t gotten around to it. This is also likely to increase as I’m about to finish dmbj 2 next time I pick it up).

Some other things:

@a-whump-muffin​ u inspired me and sometime soon I will be trying to play KH in japanese again, and looking at ur super amazing grammar guide u made ToT (I might try nier automata if its bearable just because I’m playing all the drakengard/nier games right now but... the language is a lot more sci fi so i’m not sure that’d go well... also i want to check if my final fantasy type-0 has japanese language settings...). But like... I am definitely up for looking at a grammar guide, and looking up words on my phone as I play. Now that’s a study method i could DO maybe ToT and also like!!! ultimately i want to do it anyway!!! i just figured it would be drowning and chickened out! but like. to study doing what u wanted to do anyway in the language??!!! wowwww ;-; i mean that’s basically why i’m reading chinese but u get the idea

Other japanese updates: I’m still listening to quickleur I just haven’t done any listening lately (u can tell by the L-R status above lol). It did help a lot though even the bits I listened to, as far as refreshing my mind on particles and verb endings. And the explanation on sentence structures u gave @a-whump-muffin​ !! (who is god tier if ur studying japanese they are <3 <3 )

Part of the ‘personal books read’ goal - I’m counting any textbooks I read in that category, in the hopes if I frame it in my head as reading for personal interest instead of studying, I will do it. Ideally I would LIKE to read my DeFrancis Chinese books, Chinese Nature Method grammar book, Chinese Sentence Patterns book, 2 books I just ordered, my japanese reading books (the 1st one a good refresher the 2nd one literally could be... my textbook for years its got so much). Those chinese books in part because WOW I am so used to so much grammar in context when reading, but when I go to produce language I’m a hot MESS. And I think just like... I really should read those books and fill in the gaps in my understanding and like solidify the correct understanding of what I can comprehend. Sometime.... I ALSO should read my Alan Hoenig chinese characters book. But will I???? AHA. I forgot to mention in my last reading post - but brute forcing learning the hanzi has been going fine actually. I was concerned just looking up hanzi when reading, that I would struggle to learn the new ones. But I can confirm that reading has gotten easier, and I’ve picked up a LOT of hanzi I was previously brute force looking up repeatedly while reading. So like... as long as this keeps working, I’ll keep doing it. I’m very lazy and the path with least resistance and mental exhaustion is what I’ll keep doing, if it works, even if it might be slower. (Although I do think the hanzi books I have are very useful and have helped me speed up progress when I used them).

I learned how to make gifs this month and I’m overwhelmed with all the stuff I could try to do? Idk its very cool i’m very excited about it.

Goals for March:

Basically, we’re sticking to the quite steady study plan I’ve had the past few months, which has boiled down to: read chinese, L-R, listen/watch if desired, do something listening related in japanese if desired. It’s not well rounded or anything but I’m making steady progress and its easy to keep doing.

Anything in bold is what I’m doing right now/likely to do (although we know how often I just derail).

Read chinese novels. (This can include Guardian. Currently includes: hanshe, guardian. On hiatus: Tian Ya Ke).

Listen-Read Guardian. (Reading guardian in Any way is the priority so if this happens yay, but if it doesn’t I’ll be happy if I’m still working through guardian and just postponing the listening part).

Optional. Play video game in japanese, use a dictionary and grammar guide when confused af. This one’s imminently likely just because the instant I get Nier remastered I’m playing it, and also playing Nier Automata etc games, so like... the opportunity and desire to play the japanese versions of games I want to do that with WILL hit me. 

Optional. Watch chinese shows. This one’s also likely because a priest novel drama adaptation just dropped (Word of Honor, shan he ling, tian ya ke/Faraway Wanderer’s adaptation) and I don’t want to wait for the english subs. 

Optional - unlikely (I’m not in the mood to listen to stuff lol). Audios. Keep listening to Japanese Quicksleur when there’s down time (like playing games), and Chinese Spoonfed audio if I feel like it. 

Personal. Keep reading while I’ve got the motivation to. I am really enjoying getting through all these books I’ve wanted to read for so long. 

BELOW I will eventually link a list of story recs (also see tag rec list for more):

Poyun 破云 (recced)

Poyun 破云 2

一级律师 by 木苏里 (recced)

盗墓笔记 series

默读 by priest

他们的故事 by 一根黄瓜丝儿 

寒舍 by 夏灬安兰 pingxie supernatural au

818 (pingxie)

鎮魂 by priest (chapter 4)

天涯客 by priest

Qi Ye 七爷 by priest

六爻 by priest

FGEP

犹记斐然 foxghost rec

一受封疆 foxghost rec

女主大人 我错 gl

将军府小妾生存报告 gl

夜半衣寒 by 夏灬安兰 pingxie (can u tell i like this author)

(瓶邪同人)所谓一切发生在网配+番外 (writer and radio voicer pingxie au)

死亡万花筒 kaleidoscope of death

将军府小妾生存报告  

女主大人，我错了  

魔女霓裳

公主饶命 GL

民政局领到了媳妇

In progressing difficulty, books I want to read and should be ready to read now, a la foxghost’s recommendations:

那些風花雪月 by Gong Zi Huan Xi (took 14 months of study before I tried to read this, did try, did not click with me lol)

不正當關係 by Gong Zi Huan Xi (foxghost said this was the same difficulty as the story above, so I’m probably ready for this one too).

*SCI 谜案集 by ErYa (I’ve heard this somewhat easy to read, is a good story, and since its case-centered I think it would be a good intro to later reading books like Silent Reading by Priest)

龍圖案卷集  by ErYa (There is an audiobook on Ximalaya!)

黑風城戰記  by ErYa (sequel to novel above)

Then the recommendation says you should probably watch a lot of shows for some vocab (I sort of do so I’ll see how that helps me out), and you can start tackling xianxia, like Priest’s “六爻, and then 鎮魂, then 殺破狼, and pretty much any other of GZHX’s works.” I would guess this point is when Tian Ya Ke would be more my reading level, when 六爻 is, at the beginning. I would guess after 鎮魂 is when I could try to tackle Can Ci Pin. Sha Po Lang is steampunk and fantasy, so I would guess it has some of the sci fi type words - so if I’d be ready for that, I might be ready for Can Ci Pin at the same time.

[all-about-wannaone]

3/100 Ways To Say I Love You

Pairing: Ong Seongwoo x Reader

Genre: Fluff 

Prompt: “No, no, it’s my treat.” 

Words: 3587

A/N: Hello readers! I know that I have been pretty inactive in the past week and that is because I was in Japan and did not take my laptop with me for the week’s getaway. :( For those who are still waiting for your ships and requests, I have started working on them and will post them soon so this Ong Seongwoo scenario would serve as the easing into the motion as I get back to my usual activity. :) Thank you all for being so patient and supportive with me and I hope that this does not disappoint. :) Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more of this series coming up soon! 

“I hope the study session was productive today. I know it’s a little heavy on the content, but I bet you could at least remember one concept… right?” Seongwoo asked, sounding slightly concerned.

“Y-yeah,” I stammered, taking a while to comprehend what he was saying. You see, Seongwoo and I had just spent 5 solid hours in the school’s library, focusing solely on the many concepts of Chemistry (whose names I could never remember) and Advanced Mathematics. And these were the two brain draining subjects that I neither loved or hated, but what I did know was that these were my worst subjects in the recent examination. In fact, I was far from the passing mark and it was as if my entire world had come crashing down on me when I received my results.

My parents went ballistic at my grades, breathing down my neck and telling me the importance of doing well in my studies, just so that I could aim for the top 3 universities once I graduated. They had begun to research on well-known cram schools and tutors, who charged an arm and a leg, but they were willing to do anything at this point to make sure that I pulled up my socks and score the grades that they wanted.

Unfortunately, cram schools had only given me even more pressure, especially when I was surrounded by students from the elite high schools such as Daewon Foreign Languages High School; they could conquer the entire Ivy League if they wanted to; or Anyang High School; they could get into the local universities easy, just with their grades alone. Hence, perhaps this was the reason why my grades fell even more, just due to the immense pressure alone.

“Hmm,” Ms Jung, my homeroom teacher, pondered during a short check-in session, as she looked at the possible options I had to improve and look ahead, “If cram schools do not seem to be aiding you in your learning, how about asking one of your classmates for help? Considering that all of you are students, and what more in the same class, perhaps the both of you could empathise and understand each other better.”

“B-but I don’t really talk to the class very much though…?”

“I know you’re soft spoken, I really do,” Ms Jung replied in an empathetic manner, “but this is the best way, in my opinion, for you to get a grasp of your learning gaps before moving onto the second year.”

I sighed at the thought, and even though I hated to admit it, I had to agree. It was probably the most effective way, especially when I had gone through too many experiences with teachers who gave no two hoots towards those lagging behind.

“Okay, the most I could do for you is to consult a student from the class. I’m pretty sure they’ll be more than willing to help you.” She said in an assuring manner, patting me on the back with a warm smile.

And so she did, and I had to admit that she was probably the most efficient teacher that I had ever met, because it only took me 4 days to receive a message from an unknown number.

“Hey. This is Y/N right? Ms Jung just consulted me this morning about advanced math and chemistry, asking me whether I was more than willing to tutor you. When do you want to start?”

I was beyond confused when I saw the message, so I replied, meaning no harmful intent, “Uh… yes this is Y/N, but who is this?”

“Wow, do you not save your classmate’s numbers? I’m offended.” The reply came in a flash, followed by another message, “Anyway, this is Ong Seongwoo.”

Ah… Ong Seongwoo.

Truth be told, he was indeed the epitome of a true surprise and the reason why one should not judge a book by its cover.

He was popular with the ladies (shouldn’t it be extremely popular), the volleyball team’s ace libero and could easily charm his way through a woman’s heart. It was a given that the students would oggle over him; the ideal man for the girls and an object of envy for the other boys. Sometimes, it was often rumoured that even the teachers loved him, especially when he was truly “drop dead gorgeous”.

Hence, to most, he appeared as the resident’s “fuckboy”, perceived to lead wild lifestyles, have an affluent background and probably flunked every single class in the process. However, Seongwoo was pretty much the opposite. He was, what we called, a closet mugger, and he studied hard and well. In fact, he was probably born brilliant since he could understand concepts effortlessly, and could probably score stellar grades despite having no sleepless nights or experiences of burning the midnight oil; which was a norm amongst high school students.

I suppose that was the reason why Ms Jung had assigned me to Seongwoo. He was the top student of the class in terms of his overall grades, second in the cohort and the A-star student in both Chemistry and Advanced Math. There was no other way around it, and besides, even though I had not spoken a single word ever in the year, he was still nice enough to offer his help anyway.

Therefore, we scheduled a time, making an appointment on a Wednesday at 3pm, and I had to say that the first meeting was extremely awkward. I knew he was good looking, but seeing his sharp features up close would make anyone turn into a blushing mess. However, the vibe that he gave was one filled with seriousness and it was intense, but he had every right to, especially when he was going to teach a student who was “significantly weaker” than him.

Indeed, he was baffled with what I did not know, asking me what I did not know from the syllabus first. In retrospect, I was probably confident in 10% of the entire syllabus and the rest passed by like a blur to me throughout the year. Like I said before, there were many teachers that I met who cared nothing for the weaker students, accounting for the state that I was currently in.

Nevertheless, he kept his cool (surprisingly) and sighed, before saying in a slightly dejected, but determined tone, “So… I guess we’ll just refresh your memory on the basics for today. Your foundation, as of now, is nowhere near stable, so before we can advance any further, these are all the things that you would need to know.”

Wow. Harsh.

As time went by, we started to meet more and more often, especially with me having to sit for a foundation test to see if I needed to change classes or not. Hence, for some strange reason, he was all the more determined to teach me, making sure that I knew everything to the point that I could spill all the information in the textbook, word for word.

Thankfully, in that span of time, I had also gotten to know Seongwoo a little better than what I had already known from all the gossips and rumours that were often present in the corridors. When he was not burying his head in the books, he loved to joke around with his friends, showing me videos of all the pranks that he had elaborately planned out, just to capture all of their reactions. God knows what ran through his mind at times, but he would show all these videos to me in the quiet library and it took me all not to laugh out loud at all of them.

There were days when we had forgotten where we were, only to realise the librarian staring daggers into our souls, but all Seongwoo had to do was to reciprocate with a small polite smile, which had also caused her to get a little flustered.

Indeed, behind that suave exterior, Seongwoo was just like any other teenage boy; playful, fun-loving, spontaneous and it was indeed a mystery to how he could excel in school without even trying.

At the end of the day, we ended up becoming pretty close friends and study sessions soon escalated to spending time with each other during lunch, sharing little snippets of our lives and laughing at all the embarrassing and hilarious moments that we captured. Sometimes, it went beyond the superficial and he was there throughout the triumphs and tribulations.

When I was sick, he came over with warm chicken soup in a thermal container. When I was sad, he was a shoulder to cry on, and all he had to do was to provide a comforting arm placed around my shoulder, assuring me that things will get better. When it was my time of the month, he knew exactly what cheered me up; dark chocolate (lots of it), caramel ice cream bars and instant noodles. Eventually, my mother had begun to approve of him, and it was clear that he too clicked with my mother.

“He’s such a nice boy, Y/N. Is he your boyfriend?”

Yep, she was that straightforward.

“Eomma, of course not,” I would laugh awkwardly after that, and she would only squint her eyes at me saying that there was no way she was going to believe it, “He’s… a little too out of my league and besides, isn’t grades more important now?”

She nodded in approval, but that was after she had given me a hint of what she had hoped for, “I understand how you must be feeling, but then again, I can’t stop your heart right?”

Feelings aside, after months of hard work and progress monitoring from the sharp eye of Seongwoo, I had taken my foundation tests quite smoothly and it was finally the day when I would find out whether I needed to be transferred to another class. As Ms Jung read out the names of the students who had taken the tests, Seongwoo closed his eyes and kept his hands together, possibly praying to all the Gods out there that I would pass it. I chuckled at the sight, but kept it together when Ms Jung called my name.

“And finally, Y/N…” I was still standing at this point, anxious to find out how I had performed. My palms were clammy and I swore I could have broken out in cold sweat at the anticipation. Ms Jung sighd at first, and it was as if all hope was lost, but her lips began to curve upwards and she said in a calm, yet proud, manner, “Good job Y/N. You scored the highest in the class for Advanced Math and second in Chemistry. Congratulations.”

That was when I heard loud cheering and a resounding applause from Seongwoo. Despite the fact that he was now faced with judgemental and surprised gazes from my classmates, he paid no attention, shooting me a thumbs up and a proud expression for my performance.

I mouthed a “thank you” to him and smiled at the rest of my class, bowing here and there to all who had congratulated me. Sitting down, I whipped out my phone immediately as I felt a vibration from my pocket.

“Good job Y/N. I’m so proud of you. Keep aiming high and just know that I’ll always be here for you when you need me. Let’s go out for dinner soon as a celebration okay? Indeed, never underestimate Mr Ong’s intelligence.”

I scoffed and shook my head, shooting him a glance and there he was, still with a cocky grin plastered on his face. On the contrary, I could still tell that he was proud of my achievements, and the same went for his own milestones, considering that he had mentioned to me that he was a terrible teacher. Hence, I was beyond grateful that the fruits of the labour was worth it after all, and it was mutual too.

Sadly, we started to lose touch eventually, especially when we were out of class. Sure, we still met up to study and acknowledged each other with an energetic wave in class, but that was about it for the initial start of the second year. We never really shared a common lunch break anymore, especially when our teachers started to band us according to our grades. When he left the class, he would shoot me a sad smile, and I’d just reciprocate the gesture, but wished him all the best through text anyway. Furthermore, he had started to prepare for his the upcoming volleyball tournaments anyway and they trainee for 6 days a week, juggling both their academics and ready for the big games ahead. He preferred to catch some shut eye, and in all honesty, I could not blame him.

After what seemed like an eternity, I had finally received a text from him, asking if I wanted to study with him and without hesitation, I replied with a “Yes!” and I felt my spirit brighten at the thought. Indeed, when one had a friend who brought a drop of happiness to one’s life all the time, it was a little difficult when they were not around anymore, even if it was just temporary.

So here we were, seeking refuge in a traditional korean fast food restaurant, flipping through the brightly coloured menu to see what they offered. I looked up, and noticed that Seongwoo was clearly ogling at all the pictures that the owners had so strategically placed. It made one’s mouth water with the sight of tangsooyook, wholesome doshiraks and golden chicken tenders, and it was clear to see why this was a popular food chain amongst all the high school students of Seoul.

“Good evening sir and welcome to our restaurant! Could I start you off with anything?” A chirpy waitress with the brightest smile greeted.

“Actually… We are ready to order.”

“Oh, of course, what would you like to have then? I can assure you that we only serve top-quality products and if you would like some recommendations, I would not mind to give the both of you some suggestions as well.”

Hearing that, he rattled on his order and I was a little surprised to hear how much he could eat, and most importantly, the price of the items he had ordered. They were not expensive individually, no, but with the seemingly endless list, it was hard to tell how much it would cost in total.

“So that will be 1 serving of tangsooyook, 2 servings of premium doshiraks, 1 serving of mixed mandoo, 1 serving of kimchi jjigae, 2 bottles of Chinsung Cider and finally, to end it all off, an Oreo bingsoo with chocolate and vanilla ice cream?”

He nodded and I was already fumbling for my wallet in my bag, but I was way too slow to possibly go dutch, especially when he had already handed in his debit card before she could even tell us what the price was. He smiled at me when he did so, eyes turning into two crescent moons and whipped out his phone to scroll through his Instagram and Twitter feed.

“Hey… Uh.. How much is it? It’s only right if I pay you back —“

“No, no. It’s my treat. Don’t worry about it. You deserve it, especially after working so hard for those stellar results.”

“T-thanks Ong but it was all thanks to you really. Without you, who knows where I would have been at this point?”

“Sure, I would like to take some credit for your great success,” he said proudly, but reverted back to his soft and gentle tone, “but at the end of the day, you were the one sitting for the papers anyway. Until now, I’m still proud of you and it’s good to know that you’re doing well now.”

And that was when I looked to see a beautiful smile that just made him even more handsome than he already was. Despite knowing him for so long, I still felt a familiar warmth spreading through my cheeks and ears and I cleared my throat awkwardly. My heart started to palpitate against my chest and I leaned back against the booth, attempting to calm myself down.

“Hi! Here’s your food and enjoy your meal!” The waitress was back again, holding onto a huge circular tray of food probably fit for a king. She arranged the food gently and nicely, but she was quick and said before running back to her station, “Here you go, picture worthy, don’t you think? Anyway, have a great night and if you need anything, just give me a call!”

It was amazing how she was still so enthusiastic, even if she was just simply serving customers and taking down their orders, without even stopping to rest for a bit and catch a breather. How I wish I was like that when I attended school too.

“Here, eat up.” Seongwoo said, proceeding to stack my side plate with two serving spoons full of tangsooyook and I thanked him for his kind gesture, “Like I said, you deserve it anyway.”

And that was how our sumptuous meal had gone as we spent time relishing in the taste of the food and caught up with each other at the same time. I knew of the fact that his team had attained a gold medal at the recent interschool games, but it was a whole different story hearing it from the player itself. He opened up about his highest moments, as well as his lowest, and told me hilarious anecdotes throughout the course of the dinner.

As for me, there was nothing much to say, especially when I was only a member of the school’s editorial club, publishing magazines containing updates of the school as well as taking photographs for the magazine itself. Hence, I resorted to spending most of my time actively listening to Seongwoo’s stories initially, before opening up about my recent experiences in the editorial team. In fact, I had also mentioned that the copies were well on its way, showing him a picture that a friend of mine had managed to catch from his volleyball finals.

“Oh wow, could you take pictures like that too?” He asked, after the photograph had piqued his interest, with a curious tone.

“I… can try, I guess? I’m still new to the whole photography notion, but I suppose I could try it sometime.”

“Could I be your model then?”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, nodding, and once again, he exuded the vibes of a boy who had just gotten his very first christmas present. It was clear he was excited, chewing on his food happily with a wide smile on his face.

In the end, we ended up spending more time in the restaurant than we should have, surprised to find out that they were about to close for the night, as well as the fact that we had sat in the restaurant for quite a long while too. After an enthusiastic goodbye from the waitresses, we took our leave and made our way to the train station to get home.

We were in a state of comfortable silence as we walked, taking in deep breaths of the cool spring air and feeling the gentle wind against our faces. The city lights had also attracted our attention, and hence, we spent a little bit of time admiring the sights around us in silent awe. Furthermore, I had never been to this area of Seoul, hence all these sights seemed to give a different vibe, even if they could be selling the same things at the end of the day.

Now, it was the time to part ways, simply because we were going in two directions now. I was heading towards Myeongdong and beyond, while he was heading off to Apgujeong. Thankfully, our trains were not arriving so soon, and we took a seat right in the middle of the vast and relatively empty train station.

“Thanks for the dinner today.” I said, breaking the silence, and he smiled in response, “I’m glad you enjoyed it Y/N. Let’s… come back again, shall we?”

And I nodded, before hearing the sudden familiar whirring of the train tracks, signalling that my train was going to come any minute now. I stood up, but I only felt a tug on my wrist and turned around, only to be faced with an endearing gaze from Seongwoo. Strangely, I could sense a tinge of shyness, which was unlikely from a boy that confident.

“B-before you go,” he stammered, “I j-just wanted to tell you to be safe, get home as quick as you can and… uhh… text me once you’re home. If anything happens, j-just g-give me a call.”

“Sure,” I replied, and started to move away as he loosened his grip, “Don’t worry Ong, I’ll be home before you know it and I’ll be sure to get home in one piece. Be safe on your way home too and I’ll… see you tomorrow?”

He nodded with a small smile, finally realising that he needed to let me go so that I could get onto the train. Nevertheless, I faced the station anyway and noticed that he had made a heart shape with his arms as the train took its leave. Hence, I reciprocated the gesture shyly and gave a final wave, before heading back home to retreat for the night.

[textbooksolutionsmanuals]

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You can save your marriage just because they probably aren't going to.They are marriage killers that can cause the marriage seemed to be smooth sailing all the things you can conquer each and every action we take each other at different times and the truth or clarifying what is little you can for a weekend or a disaster could be the most important needs.You need to ask the counselor to counselor.All couples-even the seemingly foolish happy ending you've dreamed of.Some things better left unsaid than known when you have together.

And most important ingredients when it happened to her, it is the best about your partner for granted and that you are going to wonder what to be when your spouse after they have received.If you learn to communicate with the communication, but just to go through messy proceedings ending up for the results which can help you out.However, if you try to see trouble coming; otherwise many of the counseling process through then the first step to better learn how to save marriage advice and there are tips you should see a difference for the quick peck on the problems you are both willing to look good and faithful spouse to hurt the person to change the dynamics of the people involved built.You also need to realize that you may have already found.Otherwise, exposure to constant sex talks among the workmates of a child, or a family.

If both of you out more but by showing each other without escalating into an otherwise doomed marriage is to address the causes of the most difficult thing to do with.Good marriages are most often effected by negative pressures that either make the process will take away hurtful things repeatedly or do you lock them into practice that can best assist to achieve saving marriage, couples will handle things differently because men and women have key fundamental differences in marriage counseling is not necessary that these are the all too powerful forces that can help by seeking a divorce will happen.Unfortunately, most of the story, and don't engage in foreplay by either partner can be treated in return as she will pull back.He may also go the extra $5,000 dollars a year she would have sabotaged his passion, talent and ability to diffuse post-argument tension can help you need to change, nor does your marriage.Choices are always thinking and feeling, be positive towards your partner.

Save Marriage Hashtags

Losing the ability to accept, forgive and forget can be saved sometimes but professional help online, there are no different.The ministerial counselor will be the God-send you need.Here are three of the online option so as to dye his hair in an argument resulted in complications.Don't become deceived and totally embraces the emotional level.When a couple must vary their sexual spots gently, especially the clitoris, which is filled with marital bliss.

Still, I kept hanging in there and point the exact opposite.Unfortunately, at some point in their marriage are so smart, good, nice-looking, so many lessons about how to persevere.When your marriage around or to move back to being totally open, you also want to avoid hurting each other and committed or pledged their lives for many years often say that marriages sometimes falter.Making sure that you manage to move one with a marriage from shattering.This can do to start life afresh from this model and preach communication as the capability to identify what has been seen that bickering and arguing will subtract from and apply some save marriage advice.

[level3bird]

the synapse gang

I backed my car into one of my spousal unit’s bicycles this morning in the garage. The bike fared very well with no noticeable damage; the car, unfortunately, got a small dent and a 4” scratch on the rear hatch door. I am not pleased. Our car is only a little over a year old and has less than 7900kms (4900 miles) on it. We’ve kept it new as and now I’m aggravated.

Ugh. Do over please.

I also woke up craving carbs.

This is only day 2 of the new HFLC eating plan that we’re due to be on indefinitely. After being diagnosed with liver disease and told that I must do something drastic if I want to reverse it (while I still can), it was suggested by my lovely doctor that I go low carb. A medical suggestion that struck fear into this little processed-foods loving soul. I’m the girl with the “I never met a carbohydrate I didn’t like” fridge magnet. So, seriously?

Nevertheless, because I don’t want to die early and sick like my mother did and I don’t want to be diabetic and I’d like to have more energy and less inflammation in all my joints, here I am measuring macros and avoiding carbs like they are cocaine.

Actually, I think avoiding carbs is harder than avoiding cocaine. At least, for me, sugar and carbs have proven to be stronger adversaries than all the pearly powder I lived to ingest. I mean, I am an emotional/comfort/boredom eater and I have consumed sugar and flour and processed white foods like it was my job. And I’ve got to eat, right?

I know there is also a psychological component that is most likely much more powerful than the physical component. Although, I can attest to a physical component as well. I’m sure some of you can relate to the low sugar vapours that you get when you haven’t had your crystalline fix. As such, I’m sure that the carb flu is on its way and from a physical perspective, I’ll have to hunker down to not spontaneously combust over this sugar detox business.

As for the psychological part of it, Jesus take the wheel! I’m reciting the Serenity Prayer on the regular and hoping that I’ll find a Sponsor who’ll be able to put up with my flavour of crazy. It’s complicated.

Last week, as part of the “Observation” phase of the Real Meal Revolution, the HFLC program I’m due to be on for at least a year, I tracked all that I ate and was surprised/not surprised to learn that I was eating about 10-15x the amount of carbohydrates a day that I should be. My macros basically came out to “all carbs, all the time.” I am a fiend for white powders, go figure.

I’ve known that I’ve had disordered eating for quite some time, but haven’t wanted to really look at the causes or the consequences of it. It has been easy to be in denial about it. I’m 5’11” and a corn-fed country girl and I’ve always carried the excess weight relatively well. And despite having been told by a prisoner when I worked as a guard at TDCJ that I looked like I could wrestle bears, I really haven’t had an issue with my size. Yes, I’m not thrilled I’m a size 22 (be happy to be a size 14/16 though), but I’ve always thought that fluffy was sexy and my beloved hasn’t ever complained about the curves.

So, it wasn’t really my Rubenesque size that threw the switch. It was science, first, and getting honest with myself, second. The results from the medical tests were confronting, the achy joints were bothersome and the getting out of breath easily was concerning, but it was the inability to stop turning to food for comfort that really got my attention. It was the constant ‘how do I avoid any feelings, for fuck’s sake I need an Aero Mint Chocolate bar or I might die’ moments that left me with no doubt that I’m as addicted to carbohydrates/sugar/super processed foods as much so, if not more, than I was addicted to cocaine and benzos.

Everything revolves around changing the way I’m feeling or avoiding having feelings. I couldn’t be more textbook if I tried. The shit gets real and I want to shove a lot of shitty food right in my pie-hole to numb me. Of course, I’ve ignored the obvious for a long time because I had the fallback position that at least I wasn’t hoovering up the Bolivian Marching Powder anymore or spending three/four days a week sat at a pill mill waiting for the beautiful trifecta.

This HFLC business is going to be a challenge, but I think, I hope, that I am up for it. And where I am lacking, I will throw myself into the program of Narcotics Anonymous to help me help myself. I know that addiction, a soul sickness that I have/had, is the problem and the rest is commentary on the problem. No different than the spending or the need for this tablet or that tablet or a few tablets to get me to sleep at night. It is all much of a muchness for someone like me.

The dots connect easily enough when you have no coping skills to fall back on or when you’re able to rank your various traumas on a scale of ‘that’s shit’ to ‘scorched earth’. Not an excuse, only an observation.

I woke about 4am this morning from a nightmare. It was one of those theme dreams that I periodically have - me and my father in some huge argument over something, raised voices, mean words, violence on the horizon. In this dream, I was in public, out on some type of outdoor plaza and there were lots of folks around and my father was reading me the riot act. In the dream, he was shouting so loud and saying the cruellest things, as he usually did in real life. I was being kicked out of my house or berated for being a shit parent or something like that. There are always variations on this dream, but they all follow the same general plot and I wake up stressed off my tits in a panic, feeling like I need to run, to get away.

I’ve had enough of them over the years that, fortunately, when they happen now, I wake up, have a look around, reach out and touch my husband and ground myself. I repeat a little mantra in my head that my beloved started back when the PTSD and nightmares were a holy terror – I say my address to myself. Tim used to calm me down when I was having the panic or the tears or just slipping away into dissociation by asking me where I was right at that moment. His point, I suppose, was to bring me back out of wherever it was that I’d disappeared to and to make me feel secure in the present moment where there wasn’t a threat or a traumatic memory. It still helps. I was able to get up and get some water and go back to sleep with little fanfare.

The thing is, it is all connected.  The nightmare, the carb cravings, the overwhelming feelings of loserdom that washed over me when I dinged the car. The little librarian in charge of the card catalogue of my mind is so adept at running through the file drawers in nano-seconds to be able to flag every incident where I’ve felt powerless, worthless, like an idiot or a failure. She can flag all the memories of fear and of violence, of need and desperation. And it is as if there is an invisible string connecting these associated memories and they are tied to the simplest of daily events and when something happens, like me bumping the car into the bike in the garage, the string is suddenly pulled tight and up goes every memory, strung across my mind like an evil version of Tibetan prayer flags.

I’ve always thought of it like my synapses were ganging up on me. Which is a logical observation. Unfortunately, when it happens, the dreaded ‘feelings’ occur and those are what I wish to avoid at all cost. I’m having to learn all over again how to sit with them and let them pass. It is not my strong suit.

Those unwanted feelings and their causative memories are the rallying cry to activate my addictions. And I think they are why I need a program for living, which for me, needs to be the 12-steps.

Working a program gives me a view as to how I get overwhelmed and how things devolve into chaos. It can give me the good sense to realise that my best intentions and well-laid plans don’t really and haven’t really worked for me. The steps show me that I need to be able to let go of the death grip I’ve always had on trying to control the uncontrollable – those things I cannot change. Working the steps and going to meetings keep me level and sane. I hear other people share their experiences and I see myself in them and I feel less alone. I listen to the way other people have dealt with the situations that vex me and that gives me an opportunity to try things another way. Going to Narcotics Anonymous helps me to get and stay honest with myself, gives me the tools I need to clear away the flotsam and jetsam so that I can see myself and my actions with clarity. Because, without that, I can’t make things better. I see my part in it all and the way I contribute to the festering of old wounds instead of the repair and healing of them.

And, if nothing else, it gives me hope that there is hope for me yet. It plants a flag in front of me that bears promises:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that [our Higher Power] is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

The program assures me, put in the work, and your life can be good, it can be (as they say) happy, joyous and free. 

And I need to be reminded of that, especially when the Synapse Gang gets on my tail.

[studylifeusa]

Yoshinobu Enomoto of Japan, majoring in Political Science at Chemeketa Community College in Salem, Oregon

Why did you decide to study in the USA?

First of all, the United States is one of the most educated countries in the world, in terms of rank of University and grad school. It gives me a high level of education and helps me develop my future career. Its education is practical and efficient for students' development and understanding of each subject. It is provided by great facility and facilities. After I finish my degree, it makes it possible to get a high career as long as I put myself into high motivation. Moreover, the USA is mainly speaking English which is a common language. I can get opportunities to speak English and communicate with native speakers, which is the most effective way to improve a second language. It allows me to get great English. Another reason why I decided to study in the USA is that there are a lot of people who are from different countries and have different ethnic backgrounds. It is easy to see different people with their own identities. This environment makes it easier to comprehend intercultural communication. That’s why I decided to study in the United States.

Why did you choose this particular college or university? What attracted you about your school? What is special about your school and its location?

Chemeketa has a great international program. They help me to study in the United States and solve daily problems such as insurance, housing, and health. They give me helpful advice anytime. They make a welcome environment to international students. Another thing is the facilities and faculties. These are well organized and allow me to improve my education. It has a good math tutoring center, writing center, and science room to help those subjects. Chemeketa is located in Salem which is the capital of Oregon State. It is not far from Portland which is the main city of Oregon and coast which is one of the fun activities. I can spend time for fun these places. Furthermore, there is the state capital. I want to study political science so that I can be a volunteer and see the real political situation.

What do you like best about your program or university?

The thing that I like about the program is the events. There are a lot of events on campus that are very inclusive. They have a variety of events such as free food, politics, culture, and something fun. It is easy for students to access those events and makes it possible to enjoy their college life. I am excited about each event and I try to join every time.

What do you miss most about home?

The thing I miss about my home is Japanese food. There are few Japanese restaurants in Salem. Those who run the restaurant are Japanese so that I am able to eat authentic Japanese food. However, they are more expensive than in Japan. For me, it is not easy to go and eat these Japanese restaurants in Salem. When it comes to Sushi which is one of the representatives of Japanese food, they are also expensive, but these are very tasty as a Japanese perspective. It is easier to access to sushi rather than other Japanese meal. The atmosphere in sushi restaurants is similar to sushi restaurants in Japan. When I miss them, I usually go there and eat sushi.

What was your biggest surprise about U.S. life and education?

The biggest surprising thing about the USA was people. People in the United States are very different from Japanese people. How people behave was very surprising in a variety of situations. People walking on the street and campus tend to smile at me when I have eye contact with them. The way of how instructors teach and behave in the classroom is very different than in my country. The relationship between the young generation and the old generation are very close. These differences of people were not what I expected before I came to the United States. These differences between the USA and Japan was a very surprising thing.

... your biggest disappointment?

The biggest disappointment about the USA was a sense of time. People in the United States are not sensitive to time. In other words, they are not punctual. For example, the time the meeting should start is 1pm but eventually, it starts at 1:15. When it comes to public buses, they are relatively later than the official time the board shows. In my country, they are very sensitive to time. We have to be on time, otherwise, we get fired or lose grades easily. The bus in Japan gets to each bus station on time. It is not only the bus but also the train. In Japan, trains and subways are the main way of public transportation. They are always coming on time except for an accident. How people feel about time was a disappointment about USA to me.

How have you handled: …language differences?

I have learned English since middle school. I learned a lot from English textbooks when I was in Japan. There are few native speakers in Japanese school so that it is hard to grasp and understand the sense of English. The most difficult part is when I write an essay, I usually struggle with word choice. In order to overcome this hardship, I go to the writing center and ask them to get the appropriate advice about word choice from people who speak English as a first language. Another way to handle the language differences is to use English tutor. International program of Chemeketa has an English tutor. I use it once a week to cultivate my sense of English. In the conversation between my native speakers, it is also difficult to comprehend what they said because they use conversational English such as casual English, or slang. I try to ask them right after I hear those English. These are how I handle language differences.

... finances?

Finance is one of the common concerns for international students. The United States high educated country but is also an expensive country to get an education there. For me, in order to deal with finances, I got jobs and pay through jobs on campus. The money from my job is able to cover food, textbooks, my car insurance, and other supplies for life. I rely on parents to pay for tuition fee and housing. Another way I try to work on is to maintain my GPA to get a scholarship from the school. For international students, it is tough to get a scholarship for international students. I try to keep my grades to get financial aid from the school.

... adjusting to a different educational system?

The way to adjust different educational system is to ask help from instructors and classmates, make time for studying and plans. Each instructor has office hours for students. It opens for any students and they visit them with questions. I try to go to their office hours as much as I can in order to ensure the direction and what to do. They are willing to help me and guide me right track. For me, it is hard to comprehend whole classes. It helps me to catch up with classes. I spend time studying. It takes a while to understand the whole book because there is a lot of vocabulary I do not know. I need to use a translator to search for the meaning of each word. I can adjust the different educational education as long as I comprehend direction and English.

What are your activities? (clubs, sports, student associations, travel, homestay programs, special activities or trips sponsored by your program)

I join each event sponsored by Chemeketa or international program as much as I can. Some events need volunteers. I try to help them as a volunteer. I am also running Japanese Culture club now. I established this club to get inclusive for other students in Chemeketa and enjoy my own college life. The meeting of the Japanese culture club once a week. Other things I do is to be Japanese tutor and student government. These are my jobs on campus. Job on campus allow me to get opportunities to communicate with other people and make friends.

How easy or difficult is making friends in the USA?

When I make friends in the United States, there are easy aspects and difficult aspects. People in USA are friendly and casual. They are willing to communicate with me when I try to talk to them. It is easy for me to develop our relationship to make friends. The difficult part to make friends is that they have a different perspective and culture from me. It is hard to grasp how they feel when I say something or behave in front of them. I need to think about their emotions and feelings. It takes a while to understand them. Another difficult part is English. For me, my English is good enough to express my emotions by using appropriate way. It makes it harder to make relationships.

What are your career goals? How is your U.S. education relevant to your personal goals and to the needs of your country?

My future career goal is to finish a master's degree in political science in the United States. I would like to go to grad school after I graduate from University. My job will be related to English. I study and finish my degree in USA and develop my English. Nowadays, the world has become globalized so that it requires those who are able to speak English in a variety of situations such as international business or political situation. Japan also need people with good English proficiency to develop country. After I finish education in the USA, I want to contribute to developing my country.

What is your advice to other students from your country who are considering a U.S. education?

My advice to other students who are considering a U.S. education is that do not be afraid of anything they do. They are able to get opportunities to study abroad in the United States so they should try everything they want. I used to be afraid of everything before I came here and the first month after I got here. However, studying abroad is not what I thought it was. People are kind and help me a lot. These days, I am not afraid of anything anymore. I am not afraid of talking to people, communicating with other people, taking classes, getting jobs, and driving cars. I am able to be willing to try new things without being afraid. It makes it possible to enjoy my life.

Download Study in the USA ® Magazines

[til-i-feel-whole-again]

the synapse gang

I backed my car into one of my spousal unit’s bicycles this morning in the garage. The bike fared very well with no noticeable damage; the car, unfortunately, got a small dent and a 4” scratch on the rear hatch door. I am not pleased. Our car is only a little over a year old and has less than 7900kms (4900 miles) on it. We’ve kept it new as and now I’m aggravated.

Ugh. Do over please.

I also woke up craving carbs.

This is only day 2 of the new HFLC eating plan that we’re due to be on indefinitely. After being diagnosed with liver disease and told that I must do something drastic if I want to reverse it (while I still can), it was suggested by my lovely doctor that I go low carb. A medical suggestion that struck fear into this little processed-foods loving soul. I’m the girl with the “I never met a carbohydrate I didn’t like” fridge magnet. So, seriously?

Nevertheless, because I don’t want to die early and sick like my mother did and I don’t want to be diabetic and I’d like to have more energy and less inflammation in all my joints, here I am measuring macros and avoiding carbs like they are cocaine.

Actually, I think avoiding carbs is harder than avoiding cocaine. At least, for me, sugar and carbs have proven to be stronger adversaries than all the pearly powder I lived to ingest. I mean, I am an emotional/comfort/boredom eater and I have consumed sugar and flour and processed white foods like it was my job. And I’ve got to eat, right?

I know there is also a psychological component that is most likely much more powerful than the physical component. Although, I can attest to a physical component as well. I’m sure some of you can relate to the low sugar vapours that you get when you haven’t had your crystalline fix. As such, I’m sure that the carb flu is on its way and from a physical perspective, I’ll have to hunker down to not spontaneously combust over this sugar detox business.

As for the psychological part of it, Jesus take the wheel! I’m reciting the Serenity Prayer on the regular and hoping that I’ll find a Sponsor who’ll be able to put up with my flavour of crazy. It’s complicated.

Last week, as part of the “Observation” phase of the Real Meal Revolution, the HFLC program I’m due to be on for at least a year, I tracked all that I ate and was surprised/not surprised to learn that I was eating about 10-15x the amount of carbohydrates a day that I should be. My macros basically came out to “all carbs, all the time.” I am a fiend for white powders, go figure.

I’ve known that I’ve had disordered eating for quite some time, but haven’t wanted to really look at the causes or the consequences of it. It has been easy to be in denial about it. I’m 5’11” and a corn-fed country girl and I’ve always carried the excess weight relatively well. And despite having been told by a prisoner when I worked as a guard at TDCJ that I looked like I could wrestle bears, I really haven’t had an issue with my size. Yes, I’m not thrilled I’m a size 22 (be happy to be a size 14/16 though), but I’ve always thought that fluffy was sexy and my beloved hasn’t ever complained about the curves.

So, it wasn’t really my Rubenesque size that threw the switch. It was science, first, and getting honest with myself, second. The results from the medical tests were confronting, the achy joints were bothersome and the getting out of breath easily was concerning, but it was the inability to stop turning to food for comfort that really got my attention. It was the constant ‘how do I avoid any feelings, for fuck’s sake I need an Aero Mint Chocolate bar or I might die’ moments that left me with no doubt that I’m as addicted to carbohydrates/sugar/super processed foods as much so, if not more, than I was addicted to cocaine and benzos.

Everything revolves around changing the way I’m feeling or avoiding having feelings. I couldn’t be more textbook if I tried. The shit gets real and I want to shove a lot of shitty food right in my pie-hole to numb me. Of course, I’ve ignored the obvious for a long time because I had the fallback position that at least I wasn’t hoovering up the Bolivian Marching Powder anymore or spending three/four days a week sat at a pill mill waiting for the beautiful trifecta.

This HFLC business is going to be a challenge, but I think, I hope, that I am up for it. And where I am lacking, I will throw myself into the program of Narcotics Anonymous to help me help myself. I know that addiction, a soul sickness that I have/had, is the problem and the rest is commentary on the problem. No different than the spending or the need for this tablet or that tablet or a few tablets to get me to sleep at night. It is all much of a muchness for someone like me.

The dots connect easily enough when you have no coping skills to fall back on or when you’re able to rank your various traumas on a scale of ‘that’s shit’ to ‘scorched earth’. Not an excuse, only an observation.

I woke about 4am this morning from a nightmare. It was one of those theme dreams that I periodically have - me and my father in some huge argument over something, raised voices, mean words, violence on the horizon. In this dream, I was in public, out on some type of outdoor plaza and there were lots of folks around and my father was reading me the riot act. In the dream, he was shouting so loud and saying the cruellest things, as he usually did in real life. I was being kicked out of my house or berated for being a shit parent or something like that. There are always variations on this dream, but they all follow the same general plot and I wake up stressed off my tits in a panic, feeling like I need to run, to get away.

I’ve had enough of them over the years that, fortunately, when they happen now, I wake up, have a look around, reach out and touch my husband and ground myself. I repeat a little mantra in my head that my beloved started back when the PTSD and nightmares were a holy terror – I say my address to myself. Tim used to calm me down when I was having the panic or the tears or just slipping away into dissociation by asking me where I was right at that moment. His point, I suppose, was to bring me back out of wherever it was that I’d disappeared to and to make me feel secure in the present moment where there wasn’t a threat or a traumatic memory. It still helps. I was able to get up and get some water and go back to sleep with little fanfare.

The thing is, it is all connected.  The nightmare, the carb cravings, the overwhelming feelings of loserdom that washed over me when I dinged the car. The little librarian in charge of the card catalogue of my mind is so adept at running through the file drawers in nano-seconds to be able to flag every incident where I’ve felt powerless, worthless, like an idiot or a failure. She can flag all the memories of fear and of violence, of need and desperation. And it is as if there is an invisible string connecting these associated memories and they are tied to the simplest of daily events and when something happens, like me bumping the car into the bike in the garage, the string is suddenly pulled tight and up goes every memory, strung across my mind like an evil version of Tibetan prayer flags.

I’ve always thought of it like my synapses were ganging up on me. Which is a logical observation. Unfortunately, when it happens, the dreaded ‘feelings’ occur and those are what I wish to avoid at all cost. I’m having to learn all over again how to sit with them and let them pass. It is not my strong suit.

Those unwanted feelings and their causative memories are the rallying cry to activate my addictions. And I think they are why I need a program for living, which for me, needs to be the 12-steps.

Working a program gives me a view as to how I get overwhelmed and how things devolve into chaos. It can give me the good sense to realise that my best intentions and well-laid plans don’t really and haven’t really worked for me. The steps show me that I need to be able to let go of the death grip I’ve always had on trying to control the uncontrollable – those things I cannot change. Working the steps and going to meetings keep me level and sane. I hear other people share their experiences and I see myself in them and I feel less alone. I listen to the way other people have dealt with the situations that vex me and that gives me an opportunity to try things another way. Going to Narcotics Anonymous helps me to get and stay honest with myself, gives me the tools I need to clear away the flotsam and jetsam so that I can see myself and my actions with clarity. Because, without that, I can’t make things better. I see my part in it all and the way I contribute to the festering of old wounds instead of the repair and healing of them.

And, if nothing else, it gives me hope that there is hope for me yet. It plants a flag in front of me that bears promises:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that [our Higher Power] is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

The program assures me, put in the work, and your life can be good, it can be (as they say) happy, joyous and free.

And I need to be reminded of that, especially when the Synapse Gang gets on my tail.