#isnt being angry at the world for this long fucking exhausting?

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

''Most people don't deserve to exist"

I dont even know how to begin arguing with that

[robo-ky888]

(Part 1 if you missed it

The fight goes on and eventually all three come to a standstill where bedman writes off Robo Ky as nothing but a toy and says “hey if i kill you, venom will be basically nothing” this causes venom to go into do or die mode as the guy is not afraid of dying at all, willing to do anything for the mission even if it means sacrificing himself. After venom sets up a massive attack bedman’s inner monologue goes off and says “dude can you FUCK OFF im doing this to save everyone so i dont really care if you die.” and Robo Ky actually acknowledges this fact, even calling bedman a nice guy to which bedman promptly reveals that OOPS hes keeping the kids from the beginning as hostages to see who’s dream is stronger, his or the duo’s. Robo then turns to venom and goes “hey, cool off for a bit and watch this” and approaches the kids to protect them, even after what they did. The kids even question why he wanted to save them to which Robo Ky tells them to shut the hell up. Bedman then also questions this, asking why Robo Ky would want to protect the people of the town, which then leads into Robo Ky’s most defining moment. He essentially tells bedman that hes a fucking loser with no regard for life and that he should feel awful. Even after the townspeople treated Robo Ky like genuine garbage, he still would never harm them. He acknowledges the fact that yeah, he's PISSED at them for how they treated him but he also acknowledges the fact that without them he wouldn’t be able to keep himself running or wash his clothes or get him jobs, so even though he's angry, he would never hurt anyone, even the kids that bullied him at the beginning. As he states, if he can be useful to just one person, then that makes him a member of society, something Robo Ky longs for. He says that bedman must have been put in a world that disrespected him even more than himself for bedman to turn out like this but goes on to say that whatever goal bedman is trying to achieve, he's going about it in the completely wrong way. This causes bedman to get absolutely pissed and fires a spike through Robo Ky, to which Robo Ky ignores it and keeps dissing bedman, saying that bedman must not care AT ALL about this world if he's willing to endanger it just for his own dream. Robo Ky then takes another spike and keeps walking LIKE THE BADASS HE IS and even venom is like “bro, chill the hell out or you’re gonna die” AND THE CHAD JUST KEEPS GOING AND KEEPS TALKING SHIT TO BEDMANS FACE EXPLAING TO BEDMAN THAT “hey DIPSHIT everyone is gonna FUCKING DIE if you do this so maybe don't?” and to be fair, bedman actually does not know this but that's a completely different story. Robo Ky then tells bedman that because he's a sophisticated and talented AI, only one life needs to be sacrificed in order to save the world, his own, to which he delivers his most raw line yet (the clip was supposed to go here but this isnt a video anymore so uh) after that, venom finishes the job and passes out near Robo Ky from exhaustion and once Robo Ky reactivates, he picks venom up with his teeth and flies them back home…well, Robo Kys home which if you recall was nowhere as he was homeless.

(Part 5)

[subconsciousmysteries]

Interesting... 7s vs. 9s. I am a 9 or at least a 9 wing and I have known a lot of 7s in my life. most of them drain me if I'm forced to spend too much time around them. I do not relate to finding their communication style too fast or hard to keep up with, at least not with all of them. But with every 7 I feel like their ACTIONS, their lifestyles, are impossible to follow without wanting to explode. They move too fast and don't give me time to BE when I try to share experiences with them. Just as I'm getting comfortable in this restaurant we're at and starting to soak up the vibe, or just as I'm starting to enjoy this song we're playing on the aux cord, it's QUICK ON TO THE NEXT THING. QUICK STAND UP AND GO TO A NEW RESTAURANT SO WE DONT MISS ALL THE POSSIBILITIES!! OOF WE HAVE INTERRUPTED THE GREAT SONG JUST AS ITS REACHING THE CLIMAX AND GONE ONTO THE NEXT ONE! fucking enrages me to be around. its like. STOP. but if I try to tell them "hey lets stay here, hey lets stop, hey lets let this moment last a little longer" I can see the visible disappointment in their eyes. So its like okay, whatever. We'll keep moving. You can't appreciate what's in front of you anyway so why bother fighting to stay in this moment.

Life is fast and dynamic but also loses its value when you interact with most 7s. Interacting with most 7s is like being in an endless loop of go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up, except every time you go to sleep its never deep REM sleep, just shallow sleep thats never satisfying. youre trying to "fall asleep" aka extract insight and dreams from the stream of new experiences the 7 is giving you, but JUST as you're about to extract the insight and depth, it's onto the next thing! and nothing ends up being valuable or memorable in the long term because you weren't given enough time to soak it up and enjoy it fully.

@kcuniquesimmer if you are a 7 and you are trying to vibe with a 9... slow down. that's all I can tell you. learn how to JUST BE. 9s are very angry all the time that nobody knows how to JUST BE, everyone is always demanding action from everyone else and most of it isnt even necessary. 7s are one of the worst types, next to 3s, when it comes to the constant gogogo. 7's vice is feeling like they have to constantly Work Work Work to find happiness, instead of slowing down to try and find happiness in simple being. an unhealthy 7 can be presented the world but still be lost in mental cloud ideas about how its going to be bigger and better in the future. you are probably frustrating the hell out of the 9s you know by always needing to be on the move looking for cooler things or "sussing out your options" as my 7 cousin puts it. 9s desperately want you to stop doing that and just be in the moment with them. and it isnt necessarily bad to live a fast paced life where you're making grand ideals about the future (provided you follow through with some of them and dont go making false promises!), its just a clashing of two different natures between you and 9s. 9s probably frustrate you too by being too slow and heavy, but thats the thing with 9s, they dont really want to assert their desire for slowness and slowing down. they will go along with your fast paced life as they fear abandonment, and then they'll secretly resent you for exhausting them, and eventually run away instead of confronting you about it. you're lucky this 9 was so honest with you about fearing abandonment... lol... most 9s cant even provide you that.

you can perhaps find middle ground by working on yourself to slow down and be less gogogo at the expense of your own wellbeing first. if you are a 7 and you haven't done years of work on yourself, then you will be moving too fast in your life at the expense of your own body and/or soul's health. fix this first and then getting along better with 9s should come naturally.

but theres also the situation where, and I experienced this personally as an assertive type / wing who has numerous withdrawn exes, types like 5s and 4s and 9s and other less assertive ppl will be suspicious of you just because you are an assertive type and that intimidates them. they might treat you like an alien creature who behaves very strange, which can be very hurtful. if this is the case... if you have done everything you can to work on yourself, if you have worked hard to slow down, be respectful of the moment and the people within the moment, and yet the 9 still fears abandonment from you and thinks you're Too Much tm, then you unfortunately cannot help the 9. you are probably getting passively manipulated because they fear your healthy boldness and its very dangerous to stay in that dynamic... if you stay in it they will demand you to suppress your true nature and stifle yourself so that you can cater to their issues. they have to develop the strength to be worthy of you on their own. if this is the case ofc.

Majority of my friends are 9s.. so on a daily basis I only communicate with 9s. Something interesting that i was told by one of them was that their scared of being rejected and abandoned so they distanced themselves whenever they get too close to someone. They stopped speaking to us for a few days and came back like it was nothing. They felt like they have too much going on in their minds that they couldnt articulate which emotion their feeling and speak about it. They had it happened in the past before that made them have trust issues so they want to perfect themselves and think their a bad person. so I spoke to them and told them that doesn’t mean you push people away because believe it or not others help us see the flaws in ourselves and we need people for support in times where we feel lonely. I just wanted to know if there’s any advice you could give me that I can give them so they can share things their struggling with and be more open to speaking. I told them they can tell me anything I’m always willing to listen and I never shut down things that they want to do I’m always willing to accommodate knowing they always accommodate for others. I just want them to do things they genuinely want to do and not feel like they are forced to do what we want to do. I have pushed them to speak their mind and tell me what they feel and think genuinely and not to hold back because they don’t want conflict. I never really know what a 9 really feels or pleases to do until it’s too late.

You cannot change them. Only a 9 will be able to change themselves, by deciding to take a more active role in pursuing what they want (even if it causes them some “discomfort”). The best way to help out a 9 is to not invalidate their experiences, to give them space to make decisions without arguing with them (do you want to go here or here for lunch? Then even if it’s not your first pick, go with them and honor them “taking up space” in the world), and by remaining unflappable—in a sense, being more 9ish. Less over-powering, less loud and excitable. 9s do not possess the energy you have as a 7; they have much less. So be aware that the more excitable, ambitious, driven, bouncy your brain and conversation are, the faster you are draining them. Learn to be peaceful and quiet with them and not bombard them with too many thoughts all at once.

[witchygalaxys]

So I played Nightmare harem.....

I played Nightmare Harem (now I'm broke in more ways than one)

Nightmare harem is an otome game. I have been playing so many different ones but I hadn't found one I loved nearly as much as the arcana but nightmare harem..... really stuck with me. Not in the best way. So let me tell you about the guy I chose.... AND HOW HE UTTERLY DESTROYED ME!!!!! MEET THIS FUCKER RICARDO!!!

First off dont get attached to this face.... the game and story are eh. If you want a lot of romance then this is it. But when I said I'm broke in more ways than one.... I meant one of them being I spent all my money on it.... and it has this weird system where you pay for 15 parts per chapter. But it would probably take a long time to finish the story. Like..... a long time. I think I ended up paying (not proud of this.....) 170.... So I kinda recomend against it.... but it does make you feel and get you attached to the characters. You get to know them pretty well which I feel like a lot of the other otome games dont do. It's one of the reasons I love the arcana because you get to really know the characters and who they are. You get attached and the Nightmare Harem did that pretty well. But here is the thing..... it went into really dark places.

By the end of it I was crying and shaking like a leaf. It actually scared me. I actually felt sick afterwards. I dont know how or why but it showed me all 3 endings. But it showed me the bad ending first and MAN! I COULD GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THE GOOD ENDING AND THE SECRET ENDING! CUZ HOLY FUCK! THAT BAD ENDING HAD ME FREAKED OUT! You may not get this but.... I'd rather he had killed me instead of what happened in the bad ending....

It started off like any normal story. You some how end up in another world. You are found on the demon side of the world. The demons are actually very nice. They treat you well and you like them. But you still want to go home and you are told there is a way to go home but it will only open 3 months from now. So you have to wait. In the mean time the angel side have found out about your existance because humans are rare. (Apparently) so the general of the Angel's meet with the demon prince at his estate (where you are staying) this demon general is none other than RICARDO!

This is where it gets spoilers so stop reading if you plan on playing yourself. SO!

SPOILER WARNING

Well Ricardo takes an interest in you and tells you there is a way to get you home sooner. But it can only be done in the angel side. So he tells you to lie to the demons and leave with him to the angel side. So you do but.....

Very quickly you find out he lied. He just wanted you to entertain him.

Later on you and him become closer. You learned he originally wanted you because you kind of reminded him of his sister who was killed. Later on he confesses his feelings to you by having sex with you. And all that stuff. You guys become very close...... but this is where it takes a dark turn......

Let me break Ricardo down for you. He is a killer. He is known every where for being a heartless killer. But he loves to tease you. He actually made me mad. I actually got pissed. So! When he tries to make you mad and you get a choice to react or not. Dont react. It actually kinda upsets him and it makes it kinda fun.

Hes confident and smart. He loves to tease you but you can also tell he cares (obviously) the more you get to know him the more you see he isnt that much of an awful guy as you thought. He wants to protect you so much. But..... he.... in his want to protect you and be with you.... he goes really dark. It starts out subtle.

He goes to work one day and asks you not to cheat on him or talk to strange men. I automadicly thought he was teasing. After he left the, demons came to the angel side to take you back. They found out you were tricked into coming to the angel side so they came to bring you home. As happy as you were, you told them you would be staying with the Angel's because of Ricardo. Ricardo came in and just started shooting them with no provocation. He said "they came to take you away. So they must die." That's the first time you realize something is off. You eventually calm him down and he stops attacking. And you tell the demons its okay and they leave. After this he gets very attached to you. He doesnt want you to talk with other men.

He begins to skip work to be with you. You know it isnt good so you keep trying to convince him to go so, he wont get in trouble. He spends 2 days with you but if I remember right on the 2nd day you go to help collect some herbs. He tries to stop you but you shake it off and go help. You kind of notice him in the window watching you. It seems like he spent the entire time watching you very carefully. When you go to your own room he is there waiting for you and starts questioning what you were talking about with the guy you were helping. At the end he tells you he must stay by your side.

The next day he decides to take you with him while he does some work because he was ordered to go back to work. He tells you it's fine but you keep questioning it. He says you need to stay by his side. Saying what if something happened to you at the estate while he is away. He said he is worried about the demons coming back to take you away so he wants you with him. He even threatens to take you with him tied up. Sounds like a joke but I dont think he was joking so you go with him willingly.

You end up waiting outside some place for him after he told you to stay and not talk to any one. A man approaches you because he saw you with Ricardo. You both talk about how amazing Ricardo is. The man is part of the army the works under Ricardo.

Ricardo comes out very angry and shouting. You get to choose what to say and after you say it he goes to hit the man. You stop him. Then he kisses you very deeply to show that you belong to him and he teases the man.

He brings you back home and tells you he cant leave you alone because other men will look at you. And if you stay at the estate you will get closer to the other people who live there.

Now pay in mind you arnt just doing nothing. You try to talk to him about it but he keeps stopping you or ignoring you. You notice what is happening and something is wrong. The worry grows more and more with each incident.

The next day Ricardo gets up for work and tells you to rest because.... he exhausted you yesterday. You tell him you cant do that and you have to help a boy named noel with the garden. He tells you to stay in his room for the day. He says he has to do something and he cant take you with him so that you need to stay in his room. He says he will be back as soon as he can and tells you not to leave the room. If you do he will punish you. I was actually terrified when he said that because he hasn't joked about anything seance you two have been together. You know its wrong and you try to run after him. But he closes the door and locks you in there. You pound on the door crying out for him to let you out. You can feel Ricardos need to control you. His confidence with out you is gone. Eventually Noel the boy you help in the garden let's you out. Noel brings you to Mikel. The leader of the Angel's to tell him what happened. Mikel asked if you had given consent to letting Ricardo do that. You tell him no. And Mikel explains how unhealthy yours and Ricardos relationship is getting. You know it is true.

Ricardo enters and calmly but very angrily asks why you left his room. He asks noel if it was him. Noel says yes. And then Ricardo tries to shoot Noel. Mikel is able to stop him before he can hurt Noel. You end up running away not wanting to see Ricardo fall apart anymore. That's when you make the choice that when the 3 months are over.... you will go back home to earth. Not just for you but for Ricardo as well. In the mean time you still spend time with Ricardo not telling him you are leaving.

You spend your last week with him and on the night you are leaving Ricardo learns about what you are doing and goes after you.

He asks you if you are leaving. You tell him yes. He pulls out his gun and says if you leave he will kill you. He asks you if you really loved him and you tell him you do but you cant be with him. And then the dark end showed up... and it made me wish he would have just shot me instead. Although most of that story seemed like a pretty dark ending.

DARK ENDING!

He says he will kill you and that way you will never leave him. But he cant stop shaking. So you walk up to him and hold his gun for him and tell him to shoot so you wont leave. That you wouldn't mind being killed by him. You close your eyes preparing to feel the bullet. He ends up dropping the gun and embraces you. You hold him and tell him you arnt going any where that you wont die and then fades to a few days later.

You look towards the window guessing what time it is because you cant see. You even question how long you have been waiting. Eventually you hear foot steps and Ricardo says he is home. He ends up locking the door and pulls the blind fold off your eyes. Asking you if you missed him. You look at him with so much love and say yes. He undoes your leg shackles but leaving your arms bounded and takes you to the bath. You bathe together and he comments how you have lost weight. You say "really?" And tells you that you can not eat while he is away. It is an order. He asks if you are hungry and you say no. "Seance I dont move much I dont need to eat much." He says he is glad. You think back to when you decided to to stay and how you want to do what ever Ricardo wants. So you let him leave you tied up blind folded in his room while he leaves. You dont think or feel anything other than Ricardo. Thinking you dont mind if you both crumble together.

He holds you telling you not to look at any one else and dont go near any one else. Telling you to only think about him and no one else all the time. Saying he wants you to be unable to live with out him. He asks you if you love him. You reply like a robot saying yes. And he wants you to smile. You try to smile but you cant do it properly because your face is very stiff. A single tear rolls down your face. He asks you why you are crying and all you can say is you are sorry. And then it ends......

SO AFTER ALL THAT IT NOW DECIDES! "Oh hey look at the happy ending!" NO! YOU CANT JUST SHOW ME THAT AND EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE "OH IM ALL BETTER NOW!!!!!!!" NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! WTF!? NO! LIKE OH MY GOD!

THIS IS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!!!!! LIKE MY GOD! You want a Yandere he is your guy!!!!!!!! And I am ashamed to say! I still really like him!

It reminded me greatly of this comic about a guy who gets kidnapped by his crush and gets very abused by him. If you know what I'm talking about.....I'm sorry....

I WAS SHAKING AFTER THAT! I CRIED! I WAS LEGITIMATELY SCARED! FROM AN OTOME GAME! A DATING SIM! HOLY FUCK! I KNOW IM INTO THE ENTIRE BAD BOY TEASING THING BUT MY GOD! THIS SCARES ME! I know things like that have happened to some people. I think that's one of things that's freaks me out so much to it. Plus dating sims are very personal. You get pretty into them yourselves. The games are meant to make it feel like you are the one being loved.

So that's my thoughts and story. If you want to check it out go do so! I wouldn't recomend against it. Like I said it makes you feel. But I was not ready for that whirlwind. It has good character interactions. I'm kind of..... neutral about it. I found it fun! But all the money it forces you to pay to play is kinda ridiculous. Especially its charm system thing. I find that just kinda lame. But it was fun.

[carrickbender]

I guess I just feel like...(a late Sunday 7ish)

- Thursday evening i did my first shift as an assistant digester cook(not food, pulp); and while it 110% kicked my ass, I loved it. And the funny thing is looking back on how far I've come since this time 2 years ago. I've changed my occupation, worked hard on my financial positions, became a consumer of knowledge and got engaged again with the world, became a father... yeah, life changed.

-But as much as my life has changed for the good, it's also a mess. My left knee is still messed up, and I'm fighting with insurance to get anything but cortisone covered as a treatment. I'm pretty much constantly exhausted(I know, adulting, shuuuuuut it). I have zero time for anything that doesnt involve work, cleaning the house or doing chores. I am almost done with an EP worth of good songs, but when have I had time to either record, practice, or even market myself for gigs? I have zero...Im just... at the end of my rope. I mean, how do you all do it so well? Like I feel like I'm just failing over here. I know that as a parent my life is no longer my own, and I love H and Henry to the moon and beyond, but do you ever get your sense of self that isnt a parent back?

- And to top it all off, the negative self image monkey is trying to strangle me again. I hate it, but it's so hard to get away from the self loathing. Between a dormant physical relationship(which I get), to strange comments about the way other people look(somehow that's not supposed to apply to me, what???), and a routine that doesnt involve as much connection, I'm having a seriously hard time self validating within our relationship and myself. And its important to keep it under wraps because I refuse to raise a child with any body or acceptance issues, period. So yeah, the struggle...

- Speaking of struggle, I see we have started the next battle in the war on women and reproductive healthcare. I cant even begin to express how angry and frustrated I am to see the level of disregard for womens health that comes from the GOP. Its telling to me that there hasnt been any movement to increase the penalty for rape in any of these states, but yet being a provider or having an abortion will get you decades in jail. These laws aren't pro life, they are pro birth, and part of a greater campaign to return our culture to the dark ages. Even more telling is that the man who wrote the Starr report on the Clinton sex scandal was Brett Kavanaugh, who will most likely be a strong presence in the SCOTUS decision when these laws hit the supreme court for review. But yet, "my vote doesnt count". No, vote like your fucking life depends on it.

- Enough with the heavy, right? H is making savory granola, and we are giving flavors a go that are a bit unorthodox. Stay tuned.

- We have a salmonberry bush on the outside of our "hedge" that are already bearing fruit. Would somebody tell these berries that they are EARLY??? The west coast is getting primed for an early summer, methinks, but I'm not going to look these gift berries in the mouth. They make me long for Kodiak, and the sockeye running hard up the Karluk and Red rivers. Cant wait till those beautiful reds hit the store to bring back memories. Might have to make a tart or something to go with some sockeye dinner...such a child of the northwest, right???

- I have a lot of gratitude for the fact that y'all still listen to my ramblings. You are all sources of inspiration and light, and I guess I just feel like I'm glad to be here. Many blessings for a good week...

[sir-adamus]

I’ve literally seen six good metas already about the fighting styles in the bees vs Adam fight but the YouTube rwby critics will swear it sucks because “hurr durr they made Adam too weak.” At this point I’m embarrassed that they’re still calling their whining criticism.

oh yeah

the ones i’m dreading are the ones attributing Yang fighting ‘better’ as if she was a bad fighter until her father ranted at her for an entire episode (when her fighting style isn’t better, it’s dull and clinical and she’s not enjoying it anymore), acting like she needed his advice to be able to handle Adam when that’s just horseshit

Yang didn’t know what she was up against last time, she didn’t know how he fought, what his semblance was or what he could do 

“but she was too ruled by emotion and that’s why she got hurt” (oh yeah blame the victim, classy)

it’s a very popular lie that Yang was ‘too ruled by emotion’ and ‘had no control over her temper’ - Yang demonstrates a lot of control over her temper in the first few volumes if you’d actually pay attention and isn’t nearly as ruled by her emotions as people pretend she is (and blowing her lid isn’t a sign of her losing control when observation indicates she’s still controlling herself while angry - in fact on more than one occasion losing her temper and letting the rage out actually helped her re-focus)

people - and Taiyang - act like Yang should’ve acted like a goddamn machine on finding Blake lying there on the ground, stabbed in the gut by some asshat in a mask, and seem to think Yang had any other options in that scenario beyond a direct charge

any of Yang’s other techniques, or approaching him slowly, could’ve put Blake at further risk - either from Adam or the fallout of Yang’s own attacks - which is something Yang would absolutely want to avoid

on top of that, it’s completely ignoring the very extenuating circumstances of that situation

the fall of Beacon had been going on for a few hours by that point, everyone is stressed out and exhausted because they’ve been fighting for ages - Yang has more stress than anyone else because it’s been an incredibly rough 24 hours for her, with the Mercury incident, being told by some jumped up general that the world hates her and there’s fuck all she can do about it (seriously why couldn’t one of her teachers handled that? why does Tinydick Copperschlong have to throw his weight around with everything?) and then finding out that not only was she lied to her whole life again (Qrow telling her that, contrary to what she previously believed, that he had seen Raven since she left) and getting some idea that Raven wasn’t a particularly nice person (in fact it’s implied that’s when he told her about Raven completely, bandit leader and all, so she’s got that weighing on her) and now the school’s being attacked, she’s separated from her team and has no idea where Ruby is

so yeah, maybe when she sees something incredibly distressing and being goaded by her opponent, she’s gonna hit her breaking point and fly into a rage - but that isn’t representative of how she normally would react if it weren’t for the extremely specific and stressful circumstances

compare this circumstance, this is Blake and Yang’s only fight that day, all they’re really worried about is making sure this plan goes off without a hitch - so there’s no overabundance of stress. when Yang arrives, not only is Blake still holding Adam off but Yang hits him before he realises she’s even there - he had absolutely no control, unlike last time. and on entering the fight, she already has a better idea of how he fights and what to avoid from past experience

Yang was already an adaptable fighter, acting like she could’ve only adapted because she got advice from Taiyang - and not, say, because she’s a smart fighter with a functioning brain for whom the extremely generic and situational advice from her neglectful, bullying idiot of a father (”find another way around” yes, thanks pops, i will also try “not dying” and "breathing”, any other sage wisdom you got?) who clearly doesn’t understand her at all might not be terribly applicable, especially because looking at previous fights showed that she was already doing that - is ridiculous. she has a better idea of what to expect and adapts accordingly, she’s very quick in that regard, as demonstrated in this same fight where on learning how Adam’s semblance works she deliberately focuses on hitting him without hitting the sword

but i just know people are gonna attribute it to Tai ‘being such a great teacher’ and ‘Yang really learned her lesson from getting her arm brutally sliced off by an abusive shitstain - the message of that fight totally wasn’t that the heroes still have a long way to go and that the villains are brutal and monstrous or anything, no, Yang needed to learn a lesson and the only way she could learn it is by being maimed and getting PTSD’, or that once again ‘Adam got nerfed’ and it’s gonna be so annoying

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[cicadas-epiphany]

No

(Part 10 of Insomnia)

“No! I most certainly am not blushing, you idiot!” Black Hat spat, turning to face him more directly.

Flug giggled and smiled under his bag, enjoying how flustered his boss was getting.

“Jefecito, I know why you are here.” Flug smiles brightly at him, though it is unseen behind his bag. He slowly walks closer to Black Hat, making sure not to scare him away.

Black Hat took a step back. He felt skittish, he did not want to talk about this. He knew for sure he would be rejected. What if Flug quit because of this? What if he told the other villains? Oh, he’d be an absolute joke…

“Jefe.” Black Hat was snapped out of his thoughts and slowly looked down at Flug. Flug had stopped walking and had put his hands on Black Hat’s shoulders, holding him there. “I feel the same way.” His smile widened, shyly inching closer.

Black Hat’s eyes widened. “You do? But I’m not human.” His eyes narrowed, “Why would you feel that way about something as inhuman as me?” He looks at Flug in disbelief, not fully trusting his words and shrugging his hands away.

Black Hat grumbles, “I’m a monster, Flug, why would you like me? Why would you even care? Just look at me!” He pushed Flug away, but Flug came right back.

Flug looks at him sadly, “Jefe, I-”

“No.” Black Hat interrupted, frowning grimly. He let out a low angry growl as he spoke in a dark tone, “You are a filthy liar, Flug.” He spat the name as if it were oozing poison and took another step back, turning to leave.

“Black Hat, wait!” Flug blurted out, feeling a cold emptiness rise up in his chest as too many emotions flooded in all at once.

Without a word, Black Hat exited through the door. As the door opened a gust of wind threw Flug back, sending him tumbling to the floor with a loud thud. Flug immediately jumped up and burst out after him, but his boss had dissappeared. Looking in all directions he could not find a trace of Black Hat.

Flug felt as if a bullet has been shot directly through his chest as he fell to his knees, the pain was indescribable. Raising a hand to his chest he put the other against his forehead as he pulled his knees to his chest, shivering lightly.

“Oh, fuck, what did I do? I shouldn’t have said anything, I sh-shouldn’t have e-expected him to w-want a-anything to do with me! I’m s-such a f-fuck up…” Flug whispered to himself, burying his head in his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs, gripping them tightly.

Every inch of his body was trembling and every muscle felt weak and heavy. He whimpered as tears began to softly flow, blurring his vision. He didn’t care if he couldn’t see, he felt too alone to care.

His bag became damp from the tears as he sniffled and cried. “I just… I wish we could be happy… together.” Tears flowed more aggressively, staining his bag and filling his goggles. The bag started falling apart so he pulled it off, along with his goggles.

His hair was messy and unkempt, but he wasn’t phased by it. “I guess some dreams… aren’t ment to come true.”

Flug sat against the door outside the lab crying, feeling lost. All hope had shattered, and he felt nothing.

He sat there for hours, weeping and quivering before finally passing out from exhaustion. His body had fallen limply to the side, spread out in the hallway outside the door to the lab.

His dreams quickly turned into nightmares, dark and flooded with depression, causing him to twitch and whimper in his sleep.

Black Hat had dissappeared to his room and locked the door with a flash.

“That treacherous dolt dares lie to me?!” He grabs a nearby chair and flings it into a wall. “I will not take pity from a halfwit! Does he think I am a bloody fool?”

The chair shatters into hundreds of pieces as Black Hat flings everything off his desk, anything fragile being destroyed.

His body erupts with a loud growl as he sinks his claws deep into the wood of his desk, scraping his claws across the surface in long crooked trails.

Creatures from other dimensions escape into this world through the cuts in the wood and flew around the room, moaning in despair and screaming unearthly howls before soon dying off and dissappearing forever.

He stares up at them in rage, snarling and raking his claws down the wall, tearing apart the wallpaper. Yanking his claws out of the wall he stumbles back and stares at the damage.

It isn’t enough.

Trudging across the room he rips down a large tapestry of himself and tears it into shreads.

Black Hat stood over it, panting hard and growling. He stares at the wreckage for a moment before pausing to look around the room. Pausing to look at all the destruction he made. The destruction he made in his own room.

All emotions drain from his body and he just stands there, lost and confused.

Bending over he picks up a piece of the torn tapestry and looks at it. The piece was unidentifiable. The pieces of the tapestry were split up like an unsolvable puzzle, there was no way any mortal could put it back together.

He crushed the fabric in his hand, glaring harshly down at it before throwing it to the ground, letting it hit the floor without a second glance.

With a quick turn he marched to his bed and sat down.

He sat there staring off into space. What was this feeling? This feeling of… emptiness deep in his chest?

He didn’t like this feeling, he wanted to get rid of it. He needed to fill it with something.

Black Hat put his head in his hands, but recoiled when he felt something wet. What was this? Water…? He was… he was crying!?

Tears filled his eye as he stared at his hands, and the hole in his chest went colder than ice. Trying to blink the tears away, they instead rolled down his cheek, dripping off of his chin.

The liquid pooled around his monocle as well, but he wiped it away before it could flow too freely.

Black Hat hated this, he was Black Hat! He doesn’t cry!

He sprang up, ready to fight something, but his body worked against him and dragged him back down, forcing him back onto the bed.

Growling loudly he dug his claws into the bed, ripping through the sheets and mattress.

Anger. He was angry. But why couldn’t he feel it? All he felt was nothing, a gaping wound in his core.

Why did he even feel this way in the first place? What was the cause of all this?

Something deep in his gut told him what the cause was, but he didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to think of that right now. He didn’t want to think of that ever.

Flug was a fool. Flug was a dolt. Flug was an idiot. Flug was a filthy backstabbing liar.

There was no other feasible explanation. Humans don’t fall in love with beasts, they just don’t! Black Hat had never heard of a time when they ever cared about beasts; they had always run away from them.

Flug couldn’t and wouldn’t return those feelings, he would be outcasted from his own kind. He was a liar, no human could feel love for someone as horrible as himself.

Right?

—

Previous: https://villainous-epiphany.tumblr.com/post/164778514922/this-isnt-happening

Next: https://villainous-epiphany.tumblr.com/post/166166247207/go-away

First: https://villainous-epiphany.tumblr.com/post/163919381052/insomnia

[this-divine-intervention]

Deep Breaths*

OHHHH BOYYY!!! So its time for another characteristic long rant by yours truly except this is probably going to be one of the last ones I do on WoW because I will be exiting the game likely forever after Antorus is done. Its time to talk about Teldrassil. Fair warning, this is logistic heavy and lore heavy, and I sound super fucking bitter because I am.

So the renewal of the faction war is ass, and makes about zero sense logistically/storyline wise. Anyone smart knows that. Both the Alliance and Horde have just finished fighting an inter dimensional war with the Legion, and exhausted massive military and civilian resources to make it happen. Even with help from the “new factions” the brunt of the war effort was still being backed by alliance/horde races. By the end of this war there is about zero realistic explanation for either group wanting to go to war that makes sense.

They DONT have the resources, both groups are sick as hell of fighting because of the past three campaigns, (that have ravaged the world and its peoples) and while many are angry about the perceived slight by Sylvannas with Varian, that alone is not a good enough reason to start a war. Furthermore there is literally no way that some kind of communication wouldn't have happened that clarified what actually occurred over the course of the Legion war. Finally, Anduin is now king. He has hated this faction conflict from the beginning and he is smart enough to pursue peace and rebuilding rather than an ass genocidal war that neither side is ever going to actually win. This pushing of him actually going along with attacking the horde after Legion, is basically nullifying a defining characteristic of how we’ve been taught to see him. He was going to be a better king precisely BECAUSE he was done with the faction war.

Teldrassil. Alright so the Night Elf nation has controlled and been fully entrenched in northwestern/southwestern Kalimdor for over 30′000 years. The night elves possess immensely powerful magics that dwarf half the races in the game, including arcanists/magi and arguably the strongest druids ever known. Their entire civilization is deeply connected on a spiritual and physical level to the continent itself and is literally part of the very ecosystems that function in those areas of Kalimdor. Nature ITSELF responds when they go to war or are attacked. Furthermore the vast majority of Worgen live amongst the night elves with huge amounts of them now part of the sentinels and druidic forces. The sentinels themselves are the most highly trained mass fighting force of any race in the alliance with the women that make up its ranks generally being several centuries in age (minus the worgen additions). The Azure Isles are also directly across from the island/tree of Teldrassil. Which means any offensive the Night Elves face is directly backed by their close allies, the Draenei. If legion is any indication, the draenei are several times more powerful than ANYONE ever gave them credit for.

There are two small mountain ranges separating Night Elven lands from horde lands with the passes being tightly controlled and guarded, Mount Hyjal itself also blocks any major land access routes to Teldrassil, and is protected by some of the most powerful ancients/wards that exist in Kalimdor. Garrosh during his genocidal barbaric regime invaded ashenvale, and southwestern Kalimdor in order to destroy the night elves presence for good (see total genocide). As we know, this failed spectacularly in the long run. The elves and their allies in Kalimdor held off this invasion with token assistance from the eastern kingdoms. Let me clarify. They faced the brunt of the ENTIRE horde and not only survived, but defeated the invasion with heavy losses on both sides. The horde has tried a land invasion before, and it failed. It also nearly alienated the Tauren from the horde because of how destructive the horde was to nature, and to the night elves who even across faction lines the tauren have very deep ties to. There is no way in hell they would have allowed Teldrassil to burn even IF they got close enough to do it. They respect nature and life as much as the Night Elves do.

Darnassus. Teldrassil itself is connected to the emerald dream, been blessed by two aspects, and also been purified. It is a bastion of nature and the new center of night elven culture. Darnassus is heavily defended by ancients, advanced siege weapons, countless sentinel squadrons, and literally nature itself in the forms of treants, keepers, dryads, and the literal tree rising to defend itself. The night elven navy is fast, massive, and advanced with the only comparable one being that of Kultiras. Both Teldrassil and the fortress city of Feathermoon being protected by it.

The horde logistically and literally has never been able to successfully push en mass to Teldrassil EVER. Which makes sense seeing as the elves have been there for over 30′000 years and are entrenched just as significantly. Based on lore, what we know/have seen of the night elven nation, etc there is no logical explanation that could remove them/destroy Teldrassil.

  Meanwhile Lordareon has only been around centuries, and has changed hands so many times in the recent past that the only amount of significant entrenchment the forsaken actually have there is the undercity. They have other holdings all over the country obviously, but entrenchment even remotely comparable to the night elves? No, just in the undercity. What this means is that is indeed possible for the alliance to actually take Lordareon. Again though, war still makes zero sense after legion.

Finally this isnt even CLOSE to an equal loss on both sides. The forsaken dont care about things like culture and society. They care about winning, serving their banshee queen, and power. Period, with few exceptions. The night elves on the other hand have been the most continuous presence in Kalimdor since the sundering. It is everything that they are. It is part of them, and they are part of Kalimdor. The forsaken lose a city they can remake somewhere else with little long lasting effects to them aside from resources and angst/anger. The Night Elves are losing the soul of their culture, and it is assumed THEIR ENTIRE NATION which is twice the size of Lordareon. The ecosystems present are also deeply connected to them and uprooting the night elves would literally crash the biosphere of half of Kalimdor almost overnight. Which again, the Tauren would understand and advise/literally fight against.

No other race has as much right to Kalimdor as the Night Elves with perhaps the exception of the Tauren. Period. Blizzard is spitting in the face of logic, deleting their own lore, and creating conflicts and mediocre storyline where there wouldnt be any to satisfy what this game/community at large has become. A polarized mess of largely white straight nerds who dont care about lore, good writing, or the meaning behind any of it. They just want to bash each other/monsters with magic and arrows. Screw it if the soul of the game dies in the process as long as Blizzard makes bank, and gets the profit margins they want. It doesnt matter if the game has devolved/will devolve into a toxic mess of immature pro-violence asshats.

Im done. Im taking my money somewhere else where characters and story actually matter.

[anonymoustalks]

It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

(6-20-20) You both like conversation.

You: hi

Stranger: Hey

You: anything on your mind?

Stranger: Blank slate over here

Stranger: Very zen

Stranger: Tabula rasa

You: that's nice

You: I've been thinking about my self-esteem

Stranger: How high it is?

You: mhm right now it's kind of on the low side

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: Everyone has those moments

You: so on omegle I often go to the #politics tag

You: and I often get called dumb

You: and I'm reflecting on that i think

Stranger: Talking politics online is a mistake

You: mhm ^^ yeah it's poor judgement

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: How old are you?

You: 26

You: I like to find strongly opinionated people

You: and talk to them

You: because I want to understand them

Stranger: People who talk politics online arent here to come to an understanding

You: but I think in part through the way I talk, I end up getting called dumb a lot

You: mhm

Stranger: Welp, calling someone dumb isnt cool

You: yeah a lot of them are mean

You: but I want to know why they're angry

Stranger: Read books or articles

You: mhm I guess

Stranger: Not random internet weirdos opinions

You: I feel like I'm just skeptical when I read books/articles by professors or whichever about "white rage" or things like that

You: so I think it's valuable to talk to people from places where I've never been to

Stranger: People have trouble articulating thoughts and opinions, especially with topics that make them angry

You: mhm

You: I try to ask them about what their life is like

You: and things they care about aside from the hot button issues

Stranger: Truu

You: A lot of them are just really mean though

Stranger: Welcome to the internet

You: yeah

You: anyway enough about me

You: what do you normally talk about on omegle? ^^

Stranger: Oof, anything really

Stranger: Books, shows, hobbies

You: mhm

You: I like to talk about values

You: or like things that are important to you

You: kind of like if there is one thing in the world

You: that you would never give up

Stranger: No wonder you've had so many bad experiences

You: lol why?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Whats your values?

You: mhm, I think I value empathy

You: and just being kind

Stranger: I can see that

You: as for things I wouldn't give up...

You: I guess my individuality

You: (whatever that means)

You: sorry it's super abstract haha

Stranger: Lol, thats cool

Stranger: Values usually are

You: um, for physical things, I wouldn't want to give up the internet lol

Stranger: Is the internet physical?

You: fine lol, I guess that's abstract lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You dont want to give up the server rooms and cables

You: lol

You: I'm not christian, but I find the concept of giving things up during lent fascinating

Stranger: What about ramadan you western centric shill

You: haha

You: I actually don't know anything about ramadan

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: I dont know a ton about it either tbh

You: I think I just remember people talking about fasting

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: They fast and avoid water during the day

You: mhm

You: I think lent interests me because I had a lot friends who would be like "I'm giving up chocolate"

You: or something random or specific

Stranger: Truue

You: it made me think about what I would give up, if I were to give something up

Stranger: Depends what the goal is right

Stranger: Whats the goal of lent?

You: mhm

You: umm

Stranger: Like am i trying to be closer to god?

You: (I don't know so I went to wikipedia lol)

Stranger: Trying to understand sacerfice

You: yes sacrifice

Stranger: Truu

Stranger: No idea what i would give up

You: mhmm

Stranger: Social media?

You: I hardly use social media haha

You: I went vegetarian for year and a half in college just because

Stranger: Oh nicee!

Stranger: That can be difficult

You: idk I didn't really have a sophisiticated reason for it

Stranger: I was vegetarian for four years

You: ohhh cool

You: why were you vegetarian?

Stranger: Ethical reasons

You: mhm

Stranger: I didnt like the meat supply chain and resources used for it

You: right

You: for me I had a bad break up and just spontaneously and randomly decided I didn't want to eat meat

Stranger: I'm the opposite of you, i stopped being vegetarian when i went to college

Stranger: Ohhh, yeah breakups suck

You: was there a reason why you stopped?

Stranger: It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

You: ahh

Stranger: But i started getting really into fitness

Stranger: Hard to hit the macros with a vegetarian diet

You: right

Stranger: Why'd you stop being vegetarian?

You: mhm... I think I just stopped being vegetarian randomly

You: ...it's probably not very sophisticasted either

You: I've thought about it once or twice why I ended up vegetarian

Stranger: i feel like its appropriate, randomly stop what you randomly started

You: I guess I must have treated it like how ppl sometimes get a haircut after a breakup

You: like I think I wanted a different feeling to my life

Stranger: I didnt know that was a thing lol

You: ohh yeah like it's a stereotype

Stranger: I know about delete facebook and hit the gym

You: haha

Stranger: Didya get a fancy new doo?

You: no not really

Stranger: Rip, you had the perfect excuse to experiment

You: yeah it's true

You: I wanted to dye my hair in college

You: but never got the courage for it

You: and then towards the end, I was worried about jobs after graduating

Stranger: You play it real safe

You: yeah I do haha

You: are you risky?

Stranger: I dont think im risky exactly

Stranger: Just more than you lol

You: lol

You: can you give some examples?

Stranger: I have alot of extreme look changes

You: ohh

Stranger: Its fun

You: yeah it sounds like it would be

Stranger: And if it goes bad its fun to joke about

You: oh haha

You: I get self-conscious easily

Stranger: Yeah i get it

You: a lot of times I convince myself that a lot of peers secretly hate me

Stranger: Ooof, i've done that too

You: I think I need to be friendlier

Stranger: Also imposter syndrome

You: but I'm a huge introvert

Stranger: Mhmmm

You: and yeah imposter syndrome

Stranger: It can be hard to put yourself out there

Stranger: What did you go to college for?

You: biology

Stranger: fancy

You: it's like one of the most common majors lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Did you like it?

You: mhm I liked it enough

Stranger: Thats dope

You: what about you?

Stranger: Finance and accounting

You: oh wow

Stranger: I was actually a biomed major before switching

You: ahh

Stranger: Hated itt

You: I know nothing about finance and accounting haha

Stranger: Especially labs

Stranger: Ughh

You: yeah labs are terrible

Stranger: "I know nothing about finance and accounting haha" Sometimes i feel that way too

You: oh my ^^

You: are you in that as a career right now?

Stranger: Yup yup

Stranger: Well right now im just doing contract work

You: mh so you're wealthy then? (jk jk)

Stranger: Was switching jobs when this shit went down

Stranger: Lol i wish

You: mhm

You: what exactly is contract work?

You: like I know contractors

You: but in terms of finance and accounting...?

Stranger: I do some tax services for clients of an accounting firm i used to work for

You: ahh

You: independent contractor?

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: What do you do?

You: ohhh does that count as self-employment?

You: I'm in grad school

You: ...for biology

Stranger: o lawd

Stranger: They got you in the grad trap eh

You: lol

You: haha

You: mhm yeah dunno when I'll be finished lol

Stranger: They almost got me too, but i was broke for too long

You: mhmm

Stranger: fuck you pay me

You: lol

Stranger: i joke, are you enjoying it?

You: yup, well, as much as I can

You: there's the typical stress and things

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: So its a masters?

You: phd

Stranger: ooooo

Stranger: You fell hard for it

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Lol, thats cool af

Stranger: Doctor stranger

You: lol I feel like I'm never going to graduate lol

Stranger: You got this

You: you're really supportive and nice (random)

Stranger: Lol thanks

Stranger: People usually say i have a bristly personality

You: really?

You: I think you have an active and engaging personality

You: but also very nice

Stranger: I like poking funnnnn

You: and the active personality gives the perception that you're really listening

You: which matters a lot

Stranger: I'm a good listener i feel like

You: mhm, you seem like one

Stranger: You're pretty chill too

You: thanks ^^

Stranger: Despite fighting politics online

You: lol I don't fightttt

Stranger: Despite trying to bridge the political divide online

You: that sounds terrible lol

Stranger: It is

Stranger: The internet kinda sucks with politics lol

You: mhm

You: I feel like it's hard to have deep conversations irl

Stranger: Depends

Stranger: Some people are more receptive than others

You: mhm true

Stranger: I get online its easier to be yourself, but its also easier to be an asshole

You: mhm true

You: I think I worry a lot about interpersonal relationships irl

Stranger: How so?

You: mhm, like there's a group dynamic I guess?

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: So where are you from?

Stranger: Did i ask that already?

You: and the there's work colleagues

You: nope

You: new england somewhere

Stranger: myseriousss

Stranger: Are you lost?

You: new england is small enough it could be like a state if you put it all together haha

Stranger: Go pats

Stranger: With that i exhausted my sports knowledge

You: lol I'm not very knowledgeable either

You: although we hold football watching parties at my house

Stranger: I know people hate the patriots

Stranger: Because they dont inflate their balls or something

You: huuh, see I have no idea what that means

Stranger: Not cool new england, inflate them please

You: lol

Stranger: Wow, you're worst than me

You: yup!

You: I'm also bad with tv shows, movies, and music

You: basically it's hopeless if you want to have a normal conversation with me

Stranger: Im listening to music right now lol

You: lol

Stranger: I love talking about all those topics

Stranger: But i can talk about anything tbh

You: I just don't know anything ^^

You: what do you listen to?

Stranger: Like right now or in general?

You: either

Stranger: Pick one so i can start

You: general!

Stranger: You got it

Stranger: I loveeee

Stranger: Folk music

Stranger: Blue grass

Stranger: R&B

Stranger: Motown

Stranger: Soul

Stranger: Rap

You: cool

Stranger: Thanks

You: I have no idea what blue grass is haha

Stranger: Should i ask what you listen to lol?

You: um the answer would be whatever youtube plays

Stranger: Wise

You: basically pop bc I don't know anything else lol

Stranger: Lol thats fine

Stranger: Pop is fun

You: where are you from?

Stranger: Canada

You: ohh cool

Stranger: Thanks

Stranger: Its pretty nice this time of year where im from

You: mhmm summer

Stranger: Yeaaa

You: I'm like looking up your genres lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Want me to recommend a song?

You: yeah that would be nice

You: I found Wanderlust 🌲 - An Indie/Folk/Pop Playlist | Vol. I

You: because I guess I automatically go to playlists lol

Stranger: always alright- alabama shakes

Stranger: Lol, playlists are a good way to discover music imo

You: I often don't go back to figure out what songs are what though

You: this was my problem with the radio

You: I recognized songs

You: but had no idea who the artists or songs were

Stranger: I do that with albums when i listen to them cover to cover

Stranger: I never know the song names, just how they go

You: mhm

Stranger: So what area if your phd in?

Stranger: Is that too personal to ask?

You: immunology

Stranger: fancyy

You: it always sounds fancy, but I have no clue what I'm doing

Stranger: Give me some fire immunology facts

Stranger: Loool

Stranger: Ohh

You: uhhhhh

You: random facts uhh idk

Stranger: Lol its ok

You: lol kay haha

Stranger: I kinda put you on the spot

You: mhm it's fine, although I was racing in my head to find something that actually makes sense lol

Stranger: Sorry im so dumb : (

You: no, as in immunology seriously doesn't make sense

You: like it's basically jibberish

Stranger: Lol i get alot of it would go over my head, im just kidding

You: like CD45RA+ AB T cells

Stranger: BRAH

Stranger: Thats my favorite cell

You: lol

Stranger: I like how they

Stranger: Multiply

You: lol

Stranger: coolest ribosomes in the game

You: you're so chill

Stranger: I know

Stranger: My cell knowledge is sublime

You: lol

You: is there a reason why you like to come on omegle?

Stranger: Uhhh, i like talking to people

Stranger: So the quarantine kinda sucks for me

You: mhm

You: I forgot it was the quarantine

You: I was just thinking it's a friday night and you seem too cool for omegle on a friday haha

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Trust me, im a massive dork

Stranger: Just a pretty social one

You: right

Stranger: Recommend me a song?

You: ohhhh so tough again

Stranger: Im not letting you off the hook this time

You: :c

Stranger: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You: *goes to dig through youtube history*

Stranger: Lol fair enough

You: do links work on omegle?

You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: idk

Stranger: Did you send one?

You: yeah I did

Stranger: Naww lol

Stranger: Just tell me title and artist

You: v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: That works too

You: it's entirely instrumental

You: idk most of the stuff I listen to is just background music

You: for when I'm doing something

Stranger: I feel that, i listen to stuff without lyrics when im working too

Stranger: I like the art work

You: but yeah, I don't have much of a sophisticated taste in music or anything

Stranger: Dont worry, no music degree on the wall here

Stranger: I just know if i like something or dont

You: mhm it feels like most people have a strong sense of what they like an dislike ^^

You: for me it's kind of uhh... blank haha

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: I'll listen to any genre if i like the song

Stranger: This musics chill, i like it

Stranger: Reminds me of harvest moon

Stranger: Used to play as a kid

You: ohh

You: I've never played

You: I did briefly play rune factory on an emulator

You: but otherwise yeah I don't have a long list of games either ^^

You: I think I'm kind of boring overall

Stranger: lol you're not boring

Stranger: I wouldnt be talking to you if you were

You: oh lol

You: thanks

Stranger: Noo problem

Stranger: I'm kinda glad i found someone around my age to talk to tbh

You: ohh I forgot that I told you my age lol

You: do you normally get ppl much younger?

Stranger: I dont go here often tbh

Stranger: But yeah, alot of young people

You: mhm

You: I feel like you're probably the most normal person I've gotten in a while

Stranger: Lol im glad

Stranger: What do you usually get?

You: mhm angry people

Stranger: Also the political tag probably skewed your sample

You: a lot of people trolling or just having fun some way

Stranger: I seriously dont get the fun in trying to upset people

You: yeah I've been trying to understand that too

Stranger: Modern bullying i guess

Stranger: idk

You: like it doesn't work to ask "why do you like to be mean"

You: so I will continue with my research!

Stranger: Lol plz dont for your own sake

You: lol

You: haha

Stranger: Put the scientific method to bed

You: lol

Stranger: Do you know reddit?

You: yup

Stranger: Ask me anything

You: the subreddit?

Stranger: Naw, im doing an ama

You: ohhh

Stranger: You're the only one attending

You: lol

You: okay, I hope you don't mind if I push the pedal then

You: what do you regret most?

You: (I ask heavy stuff often lol >.<)

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I felt like i should have ended my last relationship sooner than i did

You: mhm why?

Stranger: I was just kinda hoping the problems would get resolved

Stranger: And that kinda lead me to hold on

You: what kind of problems?

Stranger: Drawing the line here lol, i dont wanna be sad all day

You: ahh okay sorry lol

You: yeah I'm really nosy

Stranger: Lol its okk, i just dont wanna dwell in it

You: how long ago did you break up?

Stranger: How about you, whats your biggest regret?

Stranger: Few months ago

You: ohh

You: (I hope you're okay)

Stranger: I'm getting there

You: for me...

You: I guess not asking for help when I needed it

You: I don't have many regrets though

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: I never asked for help growing up

You: mhm I'm the same

You: or at least, I'm still really bad at asking for help

Stranger: I didnt wanna bother people, kinda just dealt with it on my own

Stranger: Yeahhh, its hard

You: right

You: and like I have a stupid amount of useless pride for something not important

Stranger: Sometimes i just try to remember that people do want to help alot of the time

Stranger: Oh truue

You: mhm right

Stranger: I also dont like looking dumb lol

You: yeah haha

You: okay for the next AMA: Make a confession of some kind that you don't ordinarily tell people

You: (though I guess this isn't a question)

Stranger: More like a demand

You: lol

You: clearly I'm not in the habit of doing ama's

Stranger: So like im pretty healthy and take care of myself alot

Stranger: And i come across as super confident

Stranger: But im like pretty insecure about my looks

You: mhm

Stranger: Like im pretty critical to myself

You: yeah we're often our own worst critics, right?

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: How about you?

You: ohh

You: umm, how bad do I want to go lol?

Stranger: Lol, your call

You: I think I use omegle to boost my ego. Like I'm not interested in hooking up with anyone, but when people express interest in me it boosts my ego and then I can ditch them

You: >.>

Stranger: Ooof

You: was that heavy one?

Stranger: Lol no, i get it

Stranger: Im just preparing to be disconnected on lol

You: ohh I don't usually dc at all haha

Stranger: Mhmmm

Stranger: Well i think you're pretty cool tbh, take these ego points

You: oh haha

You: idk I think I'm selfish in a lot of various ways

Stranger: I feel like being able to refelct on it is like a good way to begin to address it

Stranger: Some people lives their entire lives without realizing what drives what they do

You: mhm

You: next AMA: What's something you dream of doing?

Stranger: A thru hike

You: thru hike?

Stranger: Its like a long hike that takes weeks or months

You: ahh wow that seems cool

Stranger: It isss, ive been on multiple day hikes

You: mhm I want to do one!

Stranger: But a thru hike would be amazing

Stranger: You can tag along lol

You: I have no idea how you would prepare for one haha

You: lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know how some people randomly plan holidays or online shop

Stranger: Just to waste time

You: mhm

Stranger: I plan thru hikes and my gear and food list sometimes lol

Stranger: Its pretty dorky

You: I think it's cool

You: wait so for a multi-day hike, how is that planned?

You: like do you usually go with someone?

Stranger: Solo or people

Stranger: I started going solo because its kind of hard to get people to come along

You: what do you pack?

Stranger: And being alone in the wilderness is kind of amazing

You: mhmm

Stranger: Pack alottt of stuff lol

You: lol

Stranger: I subscribe to the ultralight philosophy of hiking

You: mhhhm

Stranger: Where you try to keep gear minimal and light

Stranger: So you can go long distances and bee less tired

You: right

You: what do you see as essential?

Stranger: Tent

Stranger: Sleeping bag or quilt

Stranger: you're so lucky you're american

Stranger: You have better access to gear than i do lol

Stranger: Sleeping pad

Stranger: Backpack

You: really? for some reason I feel like canada has the outdoorsy stereotype haha

Stranger: Its legit amazing here nature wise

Stranger: Just harder and more expensive to get some gear lol

You: mhm

You: how much water/food do you pack?

Stranger: 2000 cals a day usually

Stranger: and i keep filtration tablets on me

Stranger: So i can reup on water

You: mhmm do you usually reup water?

You: I can see water getting a lot

Stranger: Streams usually

You: to carry

Stranger: Dont carry a ton, just reup on water

You: mhm

Stranger: being in nature is fun

Stranger: It feels like a reset for the brain sometimes

You: right totally

You: so do you usually pick hikes with nearby streams/water?

Stranger: Well there are usually trails people do

Stranger: Some people plan their own using a topical map

Stranger: I dontt

You: ah

Stranger: Topographic*

Stranger: Idk what topical is

You: on the surface of something ^^

Stranger: Lol oh

You: I guess it would just make sense to go a visitors center and ask for recommendations

Stranger: Naww, i usually just research it online

Stranger: I rambled a ton my bad lol

You: oh not at all

Stranger: What's something you dream of doing?

You: mhm I want to be lazy and copy yours lol

You: but I guess it's probably something vacation related

Stranger: The more the merrier

You: I'm super bad at planning

You: or more specifically, I procrastinate forever

You: so I don't plan vacations normally lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I kinda like to wing it with a general idea of what i want to do

Stranger: I like exploring cities

Stranger: Where do you want to vacation?

You: ahh

You: mhmm I dunno lol

You: I so bad at being decisive lol

You: I do like outdoorsy things though

You: less so cities

You: I've never been clubbing or anything like that and I don't think I'd want to lol

You: I also don't drink very much

Stranger: Its overrated

Stranger: Im more outdoorsy too

Stranger: BUTTT

Stranger: Im a foodie

You: ohh

Stranger: and love stuffing my face when i visit a city

You: mhm that's cool

You: I think I like food until it gets too expensive

You: and then my heart sinks too much to enjoy it

Stranger: Brah fuck tourist traps

Stranger: I want hole in the wall joints

You: mhm those are great ^^

Stranger: Montreal is legit my favorite city

You: mhm montreal is great!

Stranger: Have you been?

You: yup!

Stranger: yessss!

Stranger: Have you tried the bagels lol

You: I think so

Stranger: Ughhh so good

You: ahhh yeah

Stranger: I bought two bags to bring back home lol

You: yeah I remember it now that I've googled it

You: they're fantastic

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: Best souvlaki i ate was in montreal

You: ohh

You: I didn't know that was a huge thing there

Stranger: Idk if it is tbh

Stranger: But the place i went was fire

Stranger: Hard af to order tbh though lol

Stranger: They didnt speak english or much french

You: ohh interesting

Stranger: My cousin told me usually their daughter works the counter

Stranger: Im guessing thats why lol

You: lol

You: I took french in high school

You: but I forgot it all

Stranger: Welcome to the club

You: mh, it's kind of disappointing in a way

Stranger: Can always brush up on it

You: very true

Stranger: Do you know any other languages?

You: Chinese

Stranger: Mandarin or Cantonese?

You: mandarin

Stranger: Nicee

You: you?

Stranger: I can understand some hindi?

Stranger: Cant really speak much

You: ohh cool!

Stranger: Lol thanks

You: I can also understand better than I can speak

You: although my accent is okay

Stranger: First generation eh

You: mhm

You: uhh I mix up the generations

Stranger: Mhmm

You: I'm second generation

Stranger: Ohhh ok

Stranger: yeah i dont get generations either

Stranger: That means you're born here but your parents arent?

You: yup

Stranger: Ohhh, same then

You: I can never remember if that's first or second generation

Stranger: Preachh

Stranger: Alrii, hit me with another ama

You: mhm

You: let's seeee

You: bah I just thought one but it's basically the same lol

Stranger: Loll

You: biggest mistake lol

You: but that's so close to regret

Stranger: Should i ask?

You: sure

Stranger: OOff lemme think

You: looool

Stranger: lol

Stranger: Uhhhh

Stranger: Celeb crush lol?

You: ohh

Stranger: Sorry, i was struggling

You: no it's fine

You: I've never been a tv or film person so I never know actors

Stranger: Ooof i forgot

Stranger: Lemme think of another then

You: can I cheat and steal your question lol?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Nuhh uhhh, if you dont answer it

You: lol so cheap

Stranger: No one to blame but yourself

Stranger: Shoulda gave into celebrity culture like the rest of us

You: I'll just continue to live under a rock lol

Stranger: Ok patrick

You: lol

Stranger: Lol i got one

Stranger: What spongebob character do you relate to the most

You: mhmmm this is a struggle again XD

You: I know like three characters so uhhh

Stranger: loll

Stranger: That should make it easier!

You: oh the snail!

Stranger: Lmaooo

Stranger: I was about to say you're a total gary

You: lol

Stranger: What spongebob character do you think im most like

You: mhm you're outgoing and friendly

Stranger: aww shucks

Stranger: You dont really know me

You: idk I feel like there's so little to chose from so just spongebob

You: mhm very true

Stranger: lol

You: AMA: What do I not know about you?

You: or what I am I getting wrong about you?

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Thats hard

You: ^^

Stranger: mmmmmm

Stranger: I mean theres alot you dont know about me

Stranger: Uhhh, i'm pretty good at vollleyball and basketball?

Stranger: Such a basic answer

Stranger: I blanked out lol

You: ohh those are cool sports

You: did you play in high school?

Stranger: Naw

Stranger: I was almost in the football team

Stranger: But gave up when i found out how often id have to stay at school

Stranger: Im lazy

You: ahh

You: what did you do afterschool in high school?

Stranger: Study, tv, games

Stranger: I legit sucked in highschool

You: hm sucked?

Stranger: Was super boring, didnt really like going out of my comfort zone

You: ahh

Stranger: What were you like in highscool?

You: I feel like I'm still bad at going out of my comfort zone

You: um, I was basically like the walking stereotype

You: swimming, piano, study, manga, writing

Stranger: Oof, i remember the manga kids lol

You: lol

You: that was mostly at home for me though

You: I read it when I was supposed to be studying

Stranger: We had a circle who hung out in the library

You: ohh

Stranger: I read a little of bit of a manga to try it

Stranger: I've watched some animes though way later on lol

You: mhmm

You: I never watched anime in high school because manga was much more discreet lol

You: I could read it on my computer without my parents knowing lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: tiger parents

You: mhm kind of yes and no

You: yours?

Stranger: They were pretty strict

Stranger: Moving away from them really allowed me to grow as a person

You: mhm same

Stranger: Sooo, what mangas did you read

You: ohh I read everything

You: like I was addicted lol

You: I read enough that I forgot what I read and the just all blur together lol

Stranger: Loll woww

Stranger: Do you read books?

You: yup!

You: or well, I mostly stopped reading when I went to uni though

Stranger: Boo

You: yeah I know >.>

You: too many readings for uni instead

Stranger: Pick up reading again imo

You: mhm it would be good

You: what do you read?

Stranger: I jump around alot

Stranger: Some of my favorites are science fiction, mystery, fantasy, historical fiction, dystopian

You: mhm

You: I love dark stuff lol

Stranger: spoooky

Stranger: So like

Stranger: I looooove horror movies

You: (I can't watch horror lol)

Stranger: But i havent read many horror related books lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats cool

You: mhm for me I mean dark as in heavy haha

Stranger: Oh truuue

Stranger: Have you read The Road?

You: nope!

Stranger: Pretty good

Stranger: What genres other than dark do you like lol

You: mhm do you like survival?

Stranger: Like not dying?

Stranger: Love it

You: lol

You: I meant as a genre kinda (if that is a genre?)

Stranger: Oof idk, i dont think ive read survival

Stranger: Like man vs nature type of deal?

You: oh as kid I read hatchet and some other similar ones

You: yup

You: as for other genres, in high school when I was still reading a lot, I read a lot of fantasy and generic stereotypical trashy romance stuff

Stranger: Loll

You: oh and animals

Stranger: Like peppa pig?

You: I was the first one in my friend group to pick up twilight lolololol

Stranger: Lolll

Stranger: I never actually read the books or watched the movies

You: lol

Stranger: Do you recommend them?

You: uh, retrospectively no ^^

Stranger: lolll

You: but I did like paranormal romance as a teen

You: as for animals I read stuff like warriors lol

You: and also redwall actually

Stranger: I remember redwall

Stranger: Pretty dark

You: hm? I thought it was fairly normal lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: What about watership down?

You: yup I loved that one

You: well, it's a classic

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: I didnt read it, i kinda just assumed you would have

You: I did roleplaying forums when I was in high school lol

Stranger: omg loll

Stranger: Was that your rebellious stage?

You: lol not really

You: I was "writing" so

You: lol

Stranger: Truue lol

You: I did like wolf roleplays lol and stuff

You: I was nearly a furry lol

Stranger: Oh lawd

Stranger: Or actually

Stranger: oWO*

You: lol

You: I had a lot of really good memories from then

You: they're sort of like my defining experience on the Internet I think

Stranger: Thats cool

Stranger: A tight knit community can be nice

You: mhm, and it was actually writing, which was nice too

You: it was fun to sort of put characters and stories together

Stranger: Do you still write?

You: mhm super on and off

Stranger: Can iiiii

Stranger: Read it?

You: nope! XD

Stranger: Ughh

You: lol

Stranger: Worth a shot

You: I did nanowrimo freshman year of uni

Stranger: brah im canadian

You: it's an internet thing!

Stranger: Ohhhh

Stranger: Thats cool af

You: yeah but the thing I wrote was total trash lol

Stranger: Can i read that?

You: lol absolutely not lol

Stranger: But i want to so badd

You: when you rush to write 50k words in a month, that's like 1666 words a day

You: so basically you vomit over the page

You: and like your subconscious shows up on it which can be really bad

You: like it's like bad fanfiction but even worse

Stranger: Damn

Stranger: Exposed your Id for the world to see

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Idk if im mixing up id ego andsuperego

Stranger: I dont remember which is which lol

You: I don't remember the difference between them either

Stranger: Oh well

Stranger: Ugh i want to read it so bad lol

You: Ama: worst trouble you've ever been?

You: *been in

Stranger: I got hit for plagiarism once on a throwaway course

Stranger: I didnt do it thoughh

You: what?

Stranger: Lol it was a roman literature course

Stranger: And i used the wrong translation reference

Stranger: And the prof was a stickler for it

Stranger: I could have fought it but i didnt care enough

You: ohh

Stranger: Whops

You: yeah...

Stranger: Thats not even that bad tbh lol

Stranger: I mean maybe if you're a phd, but i was in business school and it was an elective

You: mhm

Stranger: You?

You: oh which one should I pick lol

You: I'll pick a parents one

You: so in high school, I also drew on deviantart

Stranger: whats that

You: ohh it's like the art website

Stranger: ALSO IM LEARNING TO DRAW

You: deviantart is like one of the biggest art websites, or at least used to be?

Stranger: Waitt

Stranger: Is it that like sex drawing site?

You: mhm no?

Stranger: Lol okk...

Stranger: Go on

You: although I guess people do draw some nsfw things

You: anyway

You: so I had a friend on that site, who had really serious problems

You: he cut and wrote really bloody and graphic pobik

You: poems

You: and we would pm and message each other

You: and my parents found out

You: and then freaked out

You: because they thought I was going to elope

You: to denmark

Stranger: LMAO

You: which is where the guy was

Stranger: Did you?

You: we were like 16

You: lol no

You: and it wasn't romantic

Stranger: darn

Stranger: Still a chance

You: yeah so I got banned from the computer

You: so like overnight I disappeared from the Internet

You: and I got really worried for him because basically I just disappeared one day

You: and like, he's not really stable you know?

Stranger: Mhmm yea

Stranger: Was he ok?

You: mhm like a year or two later he turned out okay

Stranger: Oohhh niceee

You: yeah

You: I only have one sad internet story

You: well with a bad ending

Stranger: Ohhhh

You: but yeah, for some reason I end up finding ppl with problems a lot

Stranger: You found me

You: D:

You: do you have many problems?

Stranger: Loll, i regular amount of problems i think

You: oh okay, I got worried ^^;

Stranger: Lol, i'm good

You: mhm that's good

Stranger: Could use some ice cream

Stranger: Mango

You: what time is it for you?

Stranger: 3am

Stranger: You?

You: same late

Stranger: Your schedule is fucked up too eh

You: mhm

Stranger: Yayy

You: we are doing shifts at my lab right now

You: since we're kind of half capacity

You: and I've been doing a lot of 2-10pm ones

Stranger: Oh truuue

You: the other one is 6am-2pm lol

Stranger: I've just been staying up because i can do contract work whenever lol

Stranger: Oh wowww

You: mhm

You: well it's the easiest way to fit 8-hours twice in a day lol

Stranger: Lol yeahh

Stranger: So what hobbies you have?

Stranger: Do you still draw?

You: uhh they're almost the same as in high school

You: except I'm less active lol

You: and I don't draw

Stranger: Damnn

Stranger: Highschol you was cool af

You: mhm I didn't really share those hobbies in high school lol

Stranger: Probably a good idea at the time lol

You: did you have a bad experience in high school?

Stranger: Longgggg story

You: ohh

Stranger: Ill shorten it i guess lol

You: okay

Stranger: I didnt get to go to the highscool everyone i went to middleschool with went to

Stranger: My parents didnt like that school

Stranger: I went to some catholic school instead and i was pisssseddd

You: ohh

Stranger: So first year i kinda was being a dick

Stranger: After that i kinda coooled off and made friends who i enjoyed hanging out with

You: mhm

Stranger: Wasnt as long as i thought it would be

Stranger: Im just really good at summaries i guess

You: ohh haha, I was expecting more haha

Stranger: sorry

You: mhm it's fine ^^

You: did you stay in touch with your middle school friends?

Stranger: Nooo

You: aww

Stranger: To be honest

Stranger: My parents made the right call

You: mhm how so?

Stranger: That other highschool and my friend circle was not great

You: mhm

Stranger: At the time it was the end of teh world

Stranger: You know, teenager things lol

You: yeah haha

You: did you have siblings?

Stranger: I doo

Stranger: One brother

Stranger: How about you?

You: younger brother!

Stranger: Damn same thing

You: lol

Stranger: Was he a snitch?

You: mhm not really

You: he was adorable actually

Stranger: Thats coool

Stranger: You guys still close?

You: I would say so, kinda

You: I'm not a very lovey-dovey person when it comes to family

Stranger: Mhmm, i get it

You: but yeah, I'm fairly close with my brother, kinda

Stranger: Lol yeah

Stranger: Im also 'kinda' close

You: I guess it's "kinda" for me because we get along really well whenever I'm home

You: but we don't talk a lot when we're apart

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Same

Stranger: WE message eachother on our bdays

Stranger: or if something is up with the parents

You: lol once a year?

You: mhm yeah

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Hit me with another ama?

You: mhm I didn't prepare one lol

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Go find a celeb and develop a crush

You: I'm still curious about your ex

You: sorry to dig it up again

Stranger: Its okkk

Stranger: It is what it is

Stranger: I think we just were headed in different directions

Stranger: And the idea of what was held us together

Stranger: When was your last relationship?

You: mhm I need to count lol

You: 5 yeas

Stranger: oh woww

You: is it surprising?

Stranger: Lol idk kinda

You: mhm I kind of had these little fluffy things in between since then but I'm not really counting them

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: I understand

Stranger: Do you date and stuff?

You: mhmm not actively no

Stranger: Truuue

You: how long was your last relationship?

Stranger: 3 years?

You: mhm

Stranger: My longest one

You: mhm it must have been hard

Stranger: It wass, but i knew it had to be done

Stranger: Wasnt fair to either of us

You: mhm

Stranger: Sorry to be such a downer lol

You: no it's fine

You: life has its dark parts and lighter parts

You: I'm very familiar with that

Stranger: Just like cells

You: cells?

You: ohhh

You: those cells lol

Stranger: I'm an amateur cellologist

You: lol

Stranger: My favorite is CD45RA+ AB T cells

You: lol I stuck a bunch of letter together

Stranger: But he's so darn cute

You: mhmm sooo

You: I just realized that the number online right now is way higher than it was this afternoon

Stranger: No idea, i didnt really note it

Stranger: West coast probably hoped on

You: yeah

Stranger: East coast best

You: lol

You: what sites do you frequent aside from omegle?

You: reddit is one...

Stranger: Lol yea

Stranger: Thats the big one

You: mhm what subs?

Stranger: Askhistorians

Stranger: Fitness

Stranger: Books

Stranger: campingandhiking

Stranger: cooking

Stranger: changemy view

Stranger: dataisbeautiful

Stranger: explainlikeim5

You: those are really great subs ^^

Stranger: Lol i just looked down the list

Stranger: On my subscribed

You: was there more or did you stop at E? xD

Stranger: A ton more lol

You: oh lol

You: so many

Stranger: I'll stop though

You: yeah

Stranger: Those are kinda my big ones

Stranger: How about you?

You: mhm I don't use reddit

You: I did briefly in uni

You: actually around the 2016 election I was pretty active haha

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: You're a big politics buff

You: I was a mod at the NeutralPolitics sub ^^

You: I'm like weirdly proud of that even though it was like only for a month

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats really cool

Stranger: Not as cool as me being a mod of ultimate muscle subreddit

You: whaaat?

Stranger: A niche anime on fox that nobody has watched

You: lol

Stranger: I might make you assistant to the mod if you play your cards right

You: lol

You: mhmm it's getting kind of late I think

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Any chance you have discord?

Stranger: I had fun talking

You: mhm I do, but I don't share ^^

You: sorry

You: and I had fun talking too

Stranger: Dont worry, i wont out your fanfics

You: lool

You: I have a rules with myself for omegle

You: one of them is that I just don't continue anything offline

You: #pastmistakes

Stranger: Oh nooo

Stranger: What did you do lol

You: lol uhh it's pretty bad lol

Stranger: go onnn

You: umm, it's horrible enough that I probably shouldn't share ^^

Stranger: brahh, i had to talk about my ex

You: mhm but I had some heavy periods in the past

Stranger: dishh

Stranger: Get extra absorbent

You: omggggg rofl

You: basically times that were really emotionally low

You: it's easy to end up with people online for various reasons

You: and not turn out that great

You: I guess is probably the short story ^^

Stranger: You fell for some guy and it got weird?

You: pretty much

You: I actually crush over guys pretty easily online

Stranger: And i'm like super crushable

You: aww

You: but I just think it's better not to

Stranger: Many a maiden had fallen victim to my charm

You: lol

Stranger: I get it, i dont wanna cause you any distress

You: mhm, anyhow, have a wonderful night

Stranger: You tooo

You: goodnight!

Stranger: Gnight

You have disconnected.

[teddy-feathers]

Saw a post "what would you say to your ten year old self?" so... Dont worry so much about being the odd kid out those people are pretty lame and hell dude youll learn this long before you can put it into words but people generally like you if you actively listen to them... But yeah they dont really get invested back. So do what YOU like always. Dont hold back, you did okay about that but theres no point feeling like you're failing. Being social ISNT essential and youre not missing out on much really because again THEYRE kinda lame dude. Like seriously theyre not interested about your books or games or dont want to geek out WITH you? Then... Whats the point? And it sucks i know but you were right all along - do you. Fuck bras, fuck caring about weight, appearance, what other people think about how you look act and like especially fuck your aunt whos going to make you doubt that. Because honestly? Image of you reflecting on the family? ISNT a fucking thing except in very specific instances and you already KNOW that. Look I'm over twice your age now and let me tell you may be i feel a bit weird when i dress uber sloppy/comfy and its the same feeling I get when I dress "fun" but ive never regreted being comfortable in what I wanted to wear. But every time I dress for someone else? For how I should dress? Completely felt like shit the whole time not worth it. Another thing you were right about. The whole "like men but not going to missout on true love or whatever if they happen to be a girl or more than one person or something" THAT yes. Also you dont like guys. Its gross sex stuff I know you dont care about right now, but I know youll want to know in about two years so I'll just say - you dont give two fucks about whats in the other persons pants, what they look like or anything. Hell youre only demiromantic let alone sexual. Hmmm that may not be helpful youre ten and like i said you wont care for two years so how about... You want strong friendships. That love. Sex. Well you know. Youll figure it out and try it out long before youre really ready to know but thats okay. Just. Dont feel bad or obligated to like people back. You just dont and thats okay. You can date friends or not date. No biggy. But that thing youre craving is friendship and youll get it. Dont settle for less though. Another thing youre right about - I'm telling you the things youre RIGHT about so hopefully you REMEMBER them instead of doubting yourself - you dont want to be the center of someones world. You dont want to be responsible for other peoples happiness and YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EVER. And you dont need or have to want anyone to fill you up either. Its totally okay to just want to be you, do your thing, and make friends. I know, i said they were lame right? They dont share your interests. They dont listen. They dont care. I know. It sucks. But dont try to please them by changing you. Dude you meet so many wonderful people who do like things you like. Just. Make friends with people you like. Yes theyre scary and your definition of cool. Its better than being the token girl, making friends with gross people youd rather avoid. News flash: boys arent cool. Girls arent evil. Asshats are asshats reguardless of gender. Again just go talk to people you like and fuck everyone else. Now the really important thing. You love to read. Keep doing that. Steal all the time and dont regret it im so proud of you for being that person. Write. Write your stories and poetry, pretend its class notes, invest in a notebook cause lose paper gets soooo messy and crumples but yeah. Keep writing. No you dont have to know spelling or grammer or anything. Write whatever you want. People who think its stupid? LAME people trust me I know so many COOL talented people now and writing? Writing is cool. And youre good at it. You dont have to share it. But dont think its cringy or stupid. Write. Its really good and... I gave up thinking like that. And now? Now Ive been writing for about a year now. 26 and i have days where every word is a struggle and it sounds bland and boring but... In a year? Ive gotten so much better and people actually like some of my shit. So you just imagine if you keep writing? By the time youre me youll actually have published if you keep going. Keep writing. Because youll have had ten plus years of experience. Lastly... Its okay to not like shit. To be angry upset bored... Yes it makes things easier to find reasons to like what youre doing even though its sucky chores or doing things you didn't want to be doing... But you can hate it. To not what to put up with it. You dont have to shove yourself into a cage and smile and pretend things are okay. Being in trouble doesnt mean your wrong or have to change. Oh hey see if you can learn that sometimes youre not the one in trouble. They are ;) Youre stong. Smart. Clever. Creative. Pretty. Tough. You're a hard worker. Yeah I know I always tried to get out of doing things but dude You - I - We've never done things by halfs. Tend to give our all. No wonder we dont want to do anything huh? Its exhausting. But we keep going. We're stubborn. And... Theres going to be a lot of shit we're going to go through but... Youre always going to make it out to the other side. Youre going to be okay I promise. ... Lying is a problem with us but thats okay. You know why lying what we're always doing? Its because they made the truth the problem for us. If you can... It'll change things and I cant promise you it'll be for the better but... Only lie to protect yourself. Tell the truth when YOU trust people, not to the people you "should" trust - never do things just because you "should" listen to your gut and do what YOU feel is okay or not. - but do try to be honest about other people to yourself and to others. Dont... Lie to protect people. Maybe thingsll get easier if you do. You know how your parents treat you like the worst combination of adult and child? That never changes. Because theyre just kids too. I know they feel like they know and experienced so much so they must be right and you must be wrong but... Theyre kids figuring it out as they go along so SURE theyre right that they fooled you into believing it. They have a good prespective to work from but so do you. Theyre never yelling about you. Its never about you. They love you but that doesnt mean your dads not an asshole. Your moms not always wrong she just gives up arguing. Theyre arguing about the fact they suck at talking to one another and that they each always have to have thier way. It has nothing to do with you. Fuck grades. Just learn what you want. Also just do everything in school and then "do home work" - that is whatever the fuck you want - at home. You DONT have to be busy doing something productive every second but sense thats how they seem to want it, just use it against them. Youre "busy" on "homework" that you already had done so just play you game read write whatever. Fuck grades though. You learn better when you stop caring about them. Dont get sucked into dads humor even if you mean it positively or as a joke. YES its awesome that some people date the same gender as them. YES some girls dont have what you think - think not know - of as girl parts in their pants. YES people cross dress. Hell do it like youre going to want to. It IS fun. But dont CARE or deride people about whats in their pants or who theyre doing what with. Oh and some people DONT want to do anything sexual with anyone. Again. Dont laugh. Because guess what? Youre one of them. Do your "dumb kid shit". Just do it. Brag about it. Laugh at anyone who gives you shit cause theyre LAME for not liking it. Trust me. Also cussing - dude youre an adult and can do what you want... Though its WAY more fun to use made up curse I promise. Snail snot. Holey socks. Fudge it all to fudgedom hall up on old fudge hill. I know. Not much of a cheat sheet and a lecture to rivial any dads ever given. But... I still dont have all the answers. And thats okay. And even if you follow all this only YOU can control and experience YOUR life. If you actually get to read this... Youll grow up into someone different. Just as different if I told you in detail what happens from then to now. People who give you road maps and tell you to avoid the pot holes... They just make you feel like shit because you SEE it coming and do it anyways. So do you. Keep some of this in mind maybe. Youll be pretty cool either way even on the days you dont feel like it. Be safe Teddy (best nickname btw just saying)

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[tooiconic]

Be Kind To People Who Work in Customer Service

STORY TIME:

I was shopping a Victoria’s Secret once that is always busy on the weekends. The line gets very long but it never bothered me. Ive always had a soft spot for customer service workers and that grew even larger after having a few customer service jobs myself. I dont mind waiting. I chose to go.

Back to the story, on this particular Saturday it seemed extra understaffed. Who knows why… and it really doesn’t matter. There were only two registers open and I believe only one floor girl. They seemed frazzled but pleasant as always. The floor girl was particularly sweet. We struck up a conversation when I asked her which shirt she liked more, and that turned into how we didn’t like a new style that Victoria’s Secret put out. She had to go off and do other things soon after; she was doing her best to help everyone who had questions.

I’ll spend a good hour looking through the store so I came to her multiple times with questions and help finding things. It took her a while to get to me each time because she was helping so many people and doing so many things but it didn’t bother me. I always told her to take her time. No rush. She was so nice to me and so helpful. One particular time she took me over to some bralettes, away from most of the other customers, and said “Thank you so much for being so patient.” I was sort of surprised and asked “Are people being impatient?” She said “Ohhh yeah…In fact, I just had a women yell at me about how the line is too long and accused me of being lazy because I wasn’t at the register. I’m not cross trained though so I can’t do it even if I wanted to….. I told her that and she literally THREW her things on the floor and left. I had to clean it up.” I told her how ridiculous that was, shared a few quick stories I had about rude people at my job, and told her that she has been beyond helpful.

I’m waiting in line a little while later and the lady infront of me turns back and gives me a soft of “ugh” face, regarding the line. I just kind of shrugged. She says to me “This line is ridiculous”. I respond “Yeah its pretty long. They seem understaffed. Probably some people called in sick or something.” She tries to get gossipy and says “Well they could have more people at the register. THAT OTHER GIRL could go up there.” I put on a smug ass face, because I couldn’t even help it, and explain to her that the girl does not know how to use the register but is trying the best she can. That EVERYONE is doing the best they can. She raises her eyebrows and turns away.

I get to the register after like a 20 minute wait and I walk up with a smile. I say to the girl working the register “wow you guys are packed today!”. She looks relieved and gets a big smile before sighing heavily saying “OH MY GOD. YES. I’m just exhausted….Thank you for being so patient and waiting like you did.” She rings me up and she tells me that I’m only $5 away from getting their free item at the time. Shes telling me where the mini spray bottles are and then says “Screw it. I’ll just TAKE you to where they are. Screw these people.” I walk with her past the big line of angry glares to which I respond with a big smile. (We were gone literally 3 full seconds). We chat as she rings up my last item about the craziness and that gross woman who threw her things on the ground like a child. I make sure to give the floor girl a big shout out for being so helpful and told them they were doing great.

I left totally satisfied with my night.

This isnt me trying to say “wow look how great I am” or some shit. I have my own expierences as a customer service employee but I wanted to share this one, from the outside looking in if that makes sense. This is me trying to tell you that being nice is so fucking easy. All it takes is a smile and the ability to sympathize with a stressed out customer service employee to change their whole day/night. Your patience means the WORLD to us/them. Please. Be patient and understanding. We/They are always trying their best. Truly.

Be. Kind. It means a lot.

[leaughrilke]

how do the kiddos/Lena and kara react to the bad relationship Maia is in?

like..........not well. ��like they react v well for her, in that they’re supportive and caring and do all the right stuff but it also tears them apart

not as in the family is torn apart, like they still are v much a family and v much a unit, but it rips kara and lena apart and it eats at finn and stella bc they all feel like they could have done more??  noticed before it got so bad, been more present

but basically maia is feeling v overlooked and forgotten abt, like classic middle child where she feels like stella’s the baby and finn’s the prodigal son and she’s just.......there??  like she feels like she’s the Angry One or whatever, not anything to be proud of.  but she’s not one to ever be forthright with her feelings??  like fuck that, she’s going to bottle that shit up so you never know the real reason for her getting upset.  so she’s feeling weird with her family, right??  and she’s in kind of a vulnerable place bc of it, always feeling like the black sheep, always feeling like a bit of a burden and high school is weird and everything is Weird, thats like the best way to put it.  maia’s in a state of flux, where she’s not the kiddo that anyone is expecting to go into the superhero business but she’s the one that desperately wants to (like stella will want to later, but rn??  its all maia) but no one acknowledges it bc she never says it

a lot of her problems are rooted in miscommunication tbh like she’ll just........not say anything but be like stewing over it for months ya feel?

so she’s feeling Weird and starts acting out a little, starts letting her grades drop and starts missing curfew and like that sort of puts a bit of a wedge between her and her family, bc her moms are like??  where is this coming from??  and her siblings are trying to talk to her but maia’s started looking at the world like it’s me vs everyone else so she shuts them out, refuses to talk to them abt anything important.  so there’s this distance btwn her and the rest of the family, this uncomfortable tension btwn her and her moms and it only feeds into this Weirdness more, leads maia to make more Bad decisions like cutting class to hang out more with these kids she met at the skate park over the summer and its rlly nice??  like she feels heard, feels validated and like her friends from school are nice, are rlly good, but they sort of are like??  it sucks you feel bad but your moms do love you??  talk to them abt this maybe??  and maia’s like lol no, just spends more time with the ppl that are validating her feelings, not asking her to analyze anything, just letting her be

and she has rlly intense chemistry with this one boy in the group??  like its immediate and maia’s dated a little bit but she’s p intense, scares ppl off p often but this boy isnt intimidated, seems to see right through her, seems to see that she’s angry bc she’s scared of a lot, that she’s not as hard and sharp as she acts

and he likes her and she likes him so they get together and maia feels so normal??  like for a hot second she just feels like a regular kid and its so addictive that feeling, she’s not willing to give it up.  and her bf is so sweet at first, texts her a couple times a day and calls her after school and brings her snacks when they meet up at the park

i’m putting this under the cut bc the subject matter can be v triggering, pls check the tags and pls pls pls dont read this if any of the warnings apply to you.  be safe, i love you

and then, bc it starts so calmly, so carefully, she doesnt rlly worry when it starts to change, when he starts telling her that she’s exhausting, that her negativity is killing him.  like??  she already thinks that abt herself, knows she’s intense and moody and angry more often than she’s not, knows she’s a lot to handle, already thinks she’s too Much.  so she changes a little, stops venting to him, starts bottling it up again.  then its him blaming her for arguments they have, so she tries hard to not start any.  then its demanding that she text him back immediately, even when he’s texting her hundreds of times in a day, so she starts keeping her phone on her at all times.  then its this, then its that and through it all, maia’s getting a little smaller, a little quieter, a little Less.  she’s trying to fit herself into the box he’s drawing around her and she’s not happy with it but she loves him, right??  and he loves her??  he’s the only one that rlly understands her, he’s the only one that rlly cares how she’s feeling, even if sometimes he’s too upset with his own stuff to listen to her, even if sometimes he makes fun of her in front of their friends even when she tells him it makes her uncomfortable

and she hides this all from her moms for a long time, makes up excuses for why she’s missing family dinners and movie nights, says she’s just stressed, just tired.  she avoids finn bc he’s always known her tells, avoids stella bc her little sister can literally see into ppl’s minds and she doesnt know why, but she doesnt want ppl to know abt her relationship.  she avoids lena bc lena’s got this knack for figuring out when her kids are keeping secrets, avoids kara bc kara believes so wholeheartedly in her that it makes her feel set on edge.  she keeps skipping school until it becomes a Problem, until the school calls her moms but they’re both in the middle of something, miss the call, so they call Emergency Contact #1 aka alex and alex is like ???  wtf like maia’s a bit of a hothead sometimes but she’s not reckless necessarily, especially when it comes to school, so she goes to campus, sees maia’s car and is like mmmmmm this is Wrong.  so when maia comes back at the end of the day, alex is sitting on the hood of her car and is like hey.  we’re going to talk.

and maia’s like.......rlly sensitive??  like somewhere deep down, she knows there’s something off about the situation, that’s why she’s so desperate to hide it, but she’s not like conscious of it, she just gets rlly defensive, gets rlly prickly, and she’s not great at hiding it when she’s displeased or upset but its so muted when alex confronts her and that, in of itself, is a giant fucking red flag bc maia should like??  be arguing, getting irritated like maia weirdly takes after alex in a lot of respects and alex Knows something’s wrong.  so she kind of drops it bc maia’s just giving her this look like she’s begging her not to press too hard

like obviously alex doesnt Drop It, she just backs off maia directly for a bit, goes over her head to kara and lena and they’re like SHIT this makes a lot of things make sense and its like, ok, we can handle this

FALSE

maia reacts v badly when her moms sit her down to like.....gently ask what the fuck is happening.  like there’s a lot sort of just simmering below the surface, like her bf has been rlly difficult recently and she’s stressed abt that and she’s angry that alex found out, that alex told her moms, she’s angry that she’s getting called on it, that it feels like the only time she gets attention is when she’s fucked up, and it all comes to a head during this one moment.  like.  it’s the worst fight any of the kiddos have ever had with their moms.  like maia’s full out screaming at them and they’re just completely caught off guard bc there’s usually some lead up??  something that builds to a meltdown but nope, not this time, she goes zero to one hundred in a blink and stella and finn are just like hunkered down upstairs, staring at each other like HOLY SHIT maia never yells at moms like that

like its awful, terrible but it kind of makes things better for a while??  like maia screams it all out, her anger, her feeling of being left out, how hurt she feels sometimes, all the things that she’s never let her moms know and then its kind of like.  oh.  its over now.

and things get a little better after that??  maia takes the inevitable grounding with no argument, but that is like......Another Problem.  like maia without any fight??  with no indignant anger???  that’s a maia that none of them have ever encountered and it sets everyone on edge, how quiet maia is, how small she makes herself.  but there’s no like??  cause as far as anyone but maia can see.  so her moms are a bit more careful with her, her siblings are a little more gentle, kara and lena go out of their way to arrange things to do with maia on her own, to make sure she feels seen and included but by this point, her boyfriend’s been filling her head with really toxic shit, feeding into her venting and solidifying the idea that she’s less than her siblings in someway, so even their best efforts are shrugged off.  maia has a million excuses prepped and ready for why she can’t make it to the planetarium with lena, why she has to miss stella’s soccer game, why she turns kara down when she offers to go flying, just the two of them.  she’s become a great liar, really, was always a little clumsy with out and out lies when she was a child but now she’s almost as good as stella

speaking of stella.  she sees him first.  in maia’s mind, when she finally shows up to family game night and finn shouts a little bc they’re playing monopoly and maggie just bought the property he wanted and maia doesnt so much flinch as she does freeze for one, nearly imperceptible moment and stella sees this face, this boy in maia’s mind but he’s smiling??  and she brushes it off at the moment, but it nags at her for a while until she’s asked maia to help braid her hair for her seventh grade dance and they’re up in maia’s room, out of lena’s hearing and kara’s out on a supergirl mission so stella sort of asks are you dating anyone?  and there’s that freeze again, that moment and stella feels the dilemma as maia navigates it, as she decides if she should lie when stella will definitely be able to tell, and then finally maia says kind of quietly yeah, i am and then stella’s asking for details, when’d they meet, does he go to school with maia, when is she going to introduce him to the family and maia just shuts her down.  switches subjects in a manner that is v final and stella’s not going to push, she’s never been one to push

but now maia’s thinking about it and there’s no way stella’s going to be able to keep this a secret from their moms for very long, so she bites the bullet, tells them in a v blunt way

quite literally walks into the kitchen one morning and is like hey.  im dating someone and then just runs out the room before anyone can say anything else

so obviously kara and lena are like ???  ok!!  we wanna meet them!!  invite them over for dinner!!  and maia’s like SHIT i didnt think this through but she cant tell them no straight out without them being like why, whats going on, so she says she’ll invite him and so she mentions it to her bf the next time she sees him and he’s like Upset and Hurt that she wants to burst their little bubble, but he “loves her enough to meet her family” (said with a sigh and a glare that has maia shrinking, apologizing)

so he comes round for dinner and stella’s the one that gets to the door before maia, that pulls it open to meet her sister’s mystery man and she immediately gets a bad vibe from him.  like straight off the bat, she looks him up and down and is like No but then maia’s pushing her to the side and pulling him into the house and stella’s just sort of standing there like This is Wrong, I Dont Like This, just trails them after a moment, follows them into the kitchen where everyone’s doing the whole meet n greet thing, the Boyfriend is presenting the flowers he brought and keeping one hand around maia’s waist and he’s shaking hands with finn and smiling all wide and bright and smug, as if he’s already won something and all stella can hear from maia is please like him please like him please like him which wouldn’t be super weird???  but there’s this intense desperation behind it that sets stella on edge

so when she gets the chance, when finn’s chatting with maia and her bf, stella pulls her moms into the kitchen and tells them what she feels, that something is Wrong.  and like???  she doesnt have the words for it bc she’s thirteen and hasn’t ever really been exposed to anything like this, but she knows this guy is a bad dude and she says as much and kara and lena are like shit okay our empath/mind reader of a daughter is getting Bad Vibes, we should keep an eye on him, so they do the entire night and its like.  there arent any red flags or anything, isnt any bad behavior, but maia is too tense and this dude is too smooth and they’ve both???  been through this???  can see the subtle signs??  can see the way maia freezes a little when this boy puts his arm around her, the way she keeps watching him out of the corner of her eye, how she’ll switch subjects if there’s even the slightest change in his expression like.........maia’s never been a jumpy person, has always been sure footed and confident since she was very little, and kara’s got kill bill sirens going in her head and lena’s got this sick feeling in her stomach, stella’s sitting next to maia and refusing to move, glaring at her boyfriend whenever he’s looking a different direction and finn, godbless him, is looking from his moms to stella to maia sitting so stiffly on the couch, looking entirely uncomfortable in her home, in her own space and he catches stella’s eye, raises one eyebrow and then all he gets in like the in-mind version of all caps is stella just yelling BAD VIBE over and over again

so the night is tense to say the least and stella insists on maia sitting next to her at dinner, leaving her boyfriend sandwiched between finn and lena who both have like.........impressive death glares and maia’s getting more and more agitated, like pushing for the meal to wrap up quickly and it finally does, after her moms grilling this guy to get like a better grasp on the type of awful he is and maia’s like saying she’ll walk him out and kara and lena are both like we’ll come with you and maia’s like No but her bf just squeezes her shoulder and is like nah, it’s fine with this smarmy smile and stella’s still glaring but now finn’s glaring too

so he leaves finally and he reels maia in for a kiss that she v obviously is uncomfortable with so kara like straightens to her full height, crosses her arms and tells him she’s sure he needs to be home and he must sense somethings changed bc then he like just stops putting on a smile for kara and lena, turns fully to maia and tells her to call him tonight and maia sort of nods quickly, seems intent on just getting him to leave, get out of her mother’s view

as soon as he drives away, maia’s like speed walking to the house and trying to run up the stairs, to her phone, but kara kind of catches her hand and is like hey.  we need to talk about something.  and maia’s like ??  can it wait, i need to text him and stella’s like um he just left, which is when lena shoos the other kiddos out of the house, handing finn some cash and telling him to take stella to get ice cream.  so then its just them and maia and maia’s fidgety, wont keep eye contact for very long and kara mentions that, mentions how maia’s changed over the last few months and lena’s saying that they’re worried for her, about her, worried that maybe this boy isn’t healthy for her and maia’s like what do you guys know, he loves me and then lena's explaining darling i've been there, i know what you're feeling, but this isn't love and you deserve better and kara’s thinking about that one time maia came home with a bruise (thanks to the supplement, she can bruise) and she said she got it in gym but now kara’s wondering and they’re being v gentle, asking if she’s happy, asking if he’s kind to her and maia so desperately knows they’re right on some level but that’s buried v deep down and she doesnt want to have to drag it to the surface so she just........flips out

like screams and cries and leaves, storms out and flies away before the conversation can get too far, just yells  that she cant believe theyre trying to ruin the one good thing in her life trying to take away the one person that actually give a shit about her

and she flies to meet up with bf at his place and is telling him about their fight and he's like yeah your moms are fucked up, we're in love obviously, they just dont want to see you happy, they like your brother and sister more like all this really toxic shit that he's been feeding her for months, slowly poisoning her against her family and friends

but now she's got this seed of doubt at the back of her head like wait my mothers were really great when i was a kid, did they really change?

is this love or was i just happy for attention?

my moms always tell us that no matter what we do, as long as we're happy and safe they'll support it and they've never proven that wrong right?

so she's having a crisis and he's like pushing to have sex (it's not their first time, and it's not the first time he's had to convince her) and maia's like wait no i need a minute let me riddle this thing out

and he's getting like majorly pouty and upset like right, pick them over me, leave me just like everyone else and maia's staring at him like what the fuck and so she says as much, says that her moms do love her and he’s like ??  really maia?  and it goes from there, turns into an argument and he’s saying some really awful things to her 

and he’s in the middle of telling her that she’s nothing, that she should be grateful he’s wasting his energy and time trying to fix her when kara breaks the door and says flatly whoops and lena marches in and essentially tells this guy to fuck off (actually she quite literally tells him to fuck off, how dare you speak to my daughter like that) as she wraps an arm around maia and guides her out and maia’s sort of shellshocked??  like shit.  shit holy shit 

she just like.  breaks down in the car.  like the moment lena’s pulled the door closed behind them, maia’s just falling apart in a way that lena’s never seen her, like shaking and rocking and full body sobs and kara’s still inside the boys house, having a Talk but then she hears maia’s crying and is just like.  you’re garbage, we’re going to ruin your life before she leaves 

maia cries most of the night.  like suddenly everything bad that’s been happening is at the forefront of her mind but her self esteem is so shattered, she’s just blaming herself.  she has like??  three panic attacks and her moms stay with her through it all, keeping her tucked between them, petting her hair and telling her that none of this is her fault, that they’re sorry for not seeing what was happening.  when finn and stella come back, they follow the sound of sobbing up to their moms room, drop everything to join the cuddle pile that’s happening.  stella tucks herself right next to maia, takes her hands and as much of her pain as she can, tries to give her as much peace as she can.  and finn’s never been so close to violence in his life, feels an itch in his fists that is entirely unfamiliar, finds himself struggling to be in the same room with maia bc she’s his little sister???  he’s supposed to keep her safe, you know??  

it’s a hard night.  it is.  maia cant sleep, just keeps crying, keeps sobbing out that he’s good, he is, it’s her fault, so no one sleeps that night, they all stay up and try and find something, anything to make it better for her

and thankfully it’s just nearly break, so kara calls their schools, says there’s been a family emergency and the kids wont be in for the last couple days of term, calls works and says much the same for her, and lena calls in to request all meetings be postponed until further notice, to take a leave of absence.  stella won’t leave maia’s side even when the bags under stella’s eyes get too deep, when it becomes clear this is taking too much of a toll on her to keep acting as a sponge for maia’s turmoil, for her pain.  maia’s her big sister and they fight a lot but she knows all the shit maia’s done for her, loves her sister enough to bear some of the burden.  

lena finds the number for her old therapist, the one she saw when she finally realized her first relationship had been emotionally abusive.  they’ve retired, but they recommend someone for maia.  kara v quietly lets alex and maggie know whats going on, grabs alex’s hand when she breaks and god, alex feels so guilty, feels like she should have known, seen it, done more.  they dont tell anyone else, decide to leave it up to maia if she wants to give out specifics to anyone else in the family, but they do tell the rest of the superfriends that maia’s going through something right now

and through these awful first weeks, maia’s ex keeps calling her, texting her and she always reaches for the phone, so finally finn takes it when she’s napping, goes to the deo and asks winn to reroute incoming calls from this number to go through his phone first.  he starts picking up the calls, switches off with stella to threaten the guy, tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s never coming near their sister again

and maia’s??  not handling well.  she’s doing as well as can be expected, i guess, but there are some days where she’s okay-ish and can be logical and removed enough to acknowledge that there were unhealthy dynamics (she wont call it abuse, refuses the term for now), but most days she cycles between sobbing and saying she loves him, misses him, wondering if he’s okay without her and other times she’s angry and tells everyone that its their fault he’s ignoring her now

the therapy helps??  it helps a lot actually, not only with this but with her anger issues and other stuff too.  it also helps repair her relationship with her moms, who are honestly so so steadfast in their support like kara or lena always pick her up after therapy bc she’s always a little raw afterwards, shouldnt rlly be alone, and one time its kara and maia walks out, gets into the car and says rlly abruptly that her therapist thinks she should do group sessions with her moms separately and kara doesnt even hesitate, she’s just like yes okay what day what time, i’ll text lena to let her know her session

it takes like a Long time for maia to feel even a tenth like her old self.  like a Loooooong time.  but she eventually does and that’s mostly due to how good her moms and siblings are in the aftermath.  like kara and lena both have been where she’s been so they know what to say, how to say, what not to do and they’re so careful to walk this delicate tightrope where they make it clear that this guy was bad for maia but also acknowledging that she was in love with him, that she was v invested in this relationship

and when they go back to school, there’s some rumors bc its high school, but finn sort of fills in maia’s friends a little and they step the fuck up, circle around her and protect her as fiercely as she’s always protected them and finn runs interference whenever it looks like someone might give her shit for the way her ex has mysteriously been stripped of his scholarship to his school, or how his sat cheating scheme was somehow uncovered (*finger guns* uncle winn to the rescue)

stella’s room shares a wall with maia’s; their beds line up with the other bc when they were younger, they used to tap morse code to one another.  maia, even as she grew older, never bothered to move it, so stella’s in close proximity to maia every night, close enough that any strong emotion maia feels is enough to wake her up, so whenever maia’s having a crying jag and cant get out of bed to get kara or lena, its stella that comes to her, crawls up beside her v carefully and presses all the softness, all the warmth and peace she carries inside her to maia, tries to give her as much of a break as she can manage, just enough for maia to sleep

it fucks them all up for a rlly long time.  like.  a Rlly long time.  maia has to work through everything she’s been through, has to slowly relearn herself, build up her belief in herself and trust in others.  her family has to process the guilt they carry, the grief for all the pain maia’s gone through.  its hard, but they love each other and they come through it together, bruised but intact, still whole, still a family

[solarpunksoftie]

additional fun facts about the Gene Pool

because i cant be stopped and oh hello new obsession

my sides

A - Adrienne   E - Ethan   L - Laura   P - Pandora   D - Daryl

Favourite Colour

A - Green

E - Red

L - Blue

P - Yellow

D - Purple

Favourite Music

A - The Struts, Major Lazer, Ariana Grande

E - Rise Against, Green Day, Paramore

L - Lindsey Stirling, Sleeping At Last, Ratatat

P - KONGOS, Arctic Monkeys, Bastille

D - Twenty One Pilots, The Neighborhood, The Front Bottoms

Favourite Foods/Bev

A - Popsicles, Bananas, Mussels / Dr. Pepper

E - Yogurt+Granola, Lamb, Bacon / Juice

L - Steak, Mushrooms, Ramen(its convenient!) / Tea

P - Berries, Spaghetti, Clif Bars (chocolatey ones) / Coffee

D - BBQ Chips, Goldfish, Cheesecake / Hot Cocoa

Favourite Movie

A - Avengers

E - The Sting

L - Cosmos: War of the Planets (they fuckin lov terrible movies)

P - Indiana Jones and the Lost Arc

D - Heathers

Favourite T.V. Show

A - Rick and Morty

E - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

L - Star Trek (tos)

P - The Walking Dead

D -  Cutthroat Kitchen

Favourite Fiction Genre / AO3 Tag

A - Action / Smut

E - Drama / Hurt Comfort

L - Sci-fi / College AU

P - Fantasy / Graphic Depictions of Violence

D - Slice of Life / Whump

Favourite Musical / Song from it

A - Catch Me If You Can / Live in Living Color

E - Les Miserables / Do You Hear The People Sing 

L - Hamilton / Non-Stop

P - Into The Woods / I Know Things Now

D -  Heathers / Lifeboat

Favourite Activity

A - sex, dancing, late night shenanigans with friends

E - attending protests, witchcraft, hiking

L - painting, research, watching movies

P - cooking, playing horror games, playing with animals

D - sleeping, listening to music, cuddling (but they’ll never admit it)

Favourite Affection

A - kisses. not necessarily romantic, forehead, cheek, hand, etc are all awesome

E - massages, especially shoulders

L - hair play

P - hand holding and casual touches

D - hugs, but so touch starved he’ll take anything

Favourite exercise

A - Dance!

E - Swimming

L - Climbing

P - Bicycle

D - pass…

If They Had A Super Power…

A - Flight

E - Pyrokinesis/Pyrogenesis

L - Time Stop

P - Invincibility

D - Invisibility

Weapon Of Choice

A - Falchion… specifically this one 

E - spiked bat

L - Pistol

P - Bowie Knife

D - Switchblade

Travel Destination

A - Amsterdam OR Cross Country Road Trip

E - International Relief Aid (they have no concept of relaxation)

L - Ireland

P - Hawaii

D - no thanks..

Element

A - Air

E - Fire

L - Earth

P - Water

D - Smoke

Theme Songs

A - Raise Your Glass, P!nk - Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time, P!atD

E - Architects, Rise Against - Uprising, Muse - Feeling Sorry, Paramore

L - Conquest of Spaces, Woodkid

P - Laugh Till I Cry, The Front Bottoms - Stressed Out, Twenty One Pilots

D - Trapdoor, Twenty One Pilots - Be Nice To Me, The Front Bottoms - The Draw, Bastille

Little Quirks

A - Happy Dances, Winks, Hair Fluffs

E - Impatient finger tapping, “Cool Kid” posing, Blowing hair out of face

L - clasped hands, Adjusting glasses, straitening tie

P - deforest kelley bounce, hands nervously in pockets, always ready to rabbit

D - Tired face rub, eye roll, lip biting

Zodiac Sign/Planet (all from my full chart)

A - Aries Moon

E - Scorpio Mars

L - Libra Mercury

P - Sagittarius Jupiter

D - Pisces Saturn

Shadow Emotion

A - Loneliness

E - Sadness

L - Confusion

P - Fear

D - Anger

Alignment

A - Chaotic Neutral - fuck it this looks fun

E - Chaotic Good - I will burn this city to the ground to save a child

L - Lawful Good - do the right thing the Right way and you get the best results

P - Lawful Neutral - follow the rules and you won’t get hurt

D - Neutral Evil - I’m tired just kill yourself

Hogwarts House

A - Gryffindor

E - Slytherin / Gryffindor

L - Ravenclaw / Slytherin

P - Gryffindor

D - Hufflepuff

D&D Class

A - Sorcerer

E - Druid

L - Wizard

P - Ranger

D - Rogue

MBTI / my function stack

A - ESFP / Se

E - ENFP / Fi

L - ENTJ / Te

P - ISTP / inferior Ni

D - INFP - none, hes a disorder

God Tier 

A - Maid of Breath

E - Knight of Space

L - Sylph of Mind

P - Mage of Rage

D - Page of Doom

High School Superlatives

A - Best Person to Travel With

E - Most Likely to Help Hide a Body

L - Most Likely to Succeed

P - Best Person to Get Stranded With

D - Worst Case of Senioritis

Vices/Virtues

A - Sex/Kindness

E - Rage/Courage

L - Overwork/Diligence 

P - Alcohol/Vigilance 

D - Drugs/Humility

When Stressed

A - loses all sense of direction and will jump onto the first suggestion someone makes to relieve the stress. Gets paranoid about appearance. Easily becomes overwhelmed/sensory overloaded and needs soft things, stim things, and fidgit toys to keep from becoming entirely incoherent.

E - Gets really impatient and short with people. If the stress escalates they will angry cry from frustration. Slams doors, yells unnecessarily.

L - Comes to a complete stop. They can’t complete a thought coherently and are easily confused. Prone to quitting from distress, coming to the conclusion that the most logical thing is to remove ones self from the stress while also stuck on the fact that it’s stressful because it’s too important to ignore. They basically experience blue screen of death by becoming a feedback loop of “oh no”.

P - The paranoia is in full bloom. they can get delusional and jumpy. Fears intensify. Outwardly, the only sign that somethings wrong is the occasional thousand yard stare or, contrastly, they get hyper vigilant. They’re just always ready.

D - Nap Time. If naps are not acquired they become crazy aggressive and verbally abusive. Every problem is a personal attack and it must be Gene’s fault. Craves death but will settle for a razor.

When They Like Someone

A - a smooth motherfucker. loves the seduction game. will wear lingerie under her clothes in case the opportunity arises to take it off ;)

E - Skittish. romance is the one emotional department they always fumble with. will compliment a lot and try to win them over, but takes a long time to act on anything for fear of misreading the other person’s intentions and making them uncomfortable.

L - Direct. knows the importance of presentation and is a good manipulator, so may implement their skills unintentionally. Really they just want the other person on the same page as them.

P - Suspicion. they normally aren’t attracted to someone unless the other person flirts first, and they are distrustful of others’ intentions. only once they feel safe with their crush will they act more directly and can actually be very charming.

D - Obsession and Despair. This person becomes their everything, which terrifies them, so they try and pull away to avoid getting hurt, and then get upset that the person isnt paying enough attention to them, and then the “im unlovable” spiral begins.

When Injured (with irl experiences oops)

A - powers through with force of will. will convince herself that its not a big deal. would probably try to finish a marathon with a broken leg. not stubborn if told to seek help, however, theyre just really bad at judging the severity/urgency of an injury. (went through their day without a care in the world after a head injury, legit didn’t think it was a big deal. the bump just looked nasty)

E - stubborn as a mule to keep up their badass image. will brush off most things even if they know its bad news. the only time the facade drops is when theyre alone, and then theyre a mess. (helped someone move despite the fact that they were seriously ill. hid it the whole time. collapsed when they got home)

L - reacts appropriately to the situation. has an objective enough knowledge of medicine and anatomy to assess the severity and urgency of an injury and will seek help if needed. 

P - Panic. has a slight inclination to hypochondria that only comes out when something is wrong. stubbed tow? its broken. stomach ache? it could be cancer or their appendix is gonna burst. weird symptoms they dont recognize? absolutely positive theyre gonna die. if they cant see whats wrong the panic is worse. is actually not bad dealing with flesh wounds, but still wont hesitate in seeking care. (full blown panic attack when a uti started exhibiting unfamiliar symptoms and couldn’t receive immediate care)

D - secrecy. wont tell anyone. 10/10 most likely to silently stitch up a wound themselves and no one would be the wiser. (suffering silently through a migraine without medication, cleaning up self harm cuts)

Negative Influences

A - Reckless behavior, abandoning obligations in favour of a fun activity, drug use

E - Being argumentative, “anyone who doesnt agree with me is the enemy” knee jerk reaction, grudges

L - Obsessive behavior, hyper focus, over rationalizing feelings away

P - Irrational fears, distrust of others, exhausting hyper vigilance

D - Depression my dudes, self worth issues, self harm in all forms

Positive Influences

A - Trying new things, Courage, enjoying the simple pleasures

E - Passion, Moral compass, Determination

L - keeping my life structured, love of learning, the designer

P - self preservation, observing others’ personal boundaries, being prepared

D - ?????, keeps me from becoming too powerful,, ???????

When To Worry About Them

A - would rather stay home than go out, reclusive behavior

E - either theyre constantly fuming or they become painfully apathetic

L - none of their ideas make sense, language issues

P - always v stressed

D - smiley mask, overly compliant, overly positive

How They Chill

A - Nature Walks

E - Low Key hangouts with friends

L - Coloring books

P - Music - will often chill and listen to music with Daryl

D - Sleep - falls asleep while listening to music with Pandora

ill probly add onto this when i think of more stuff, but here for now

Self Care

A - Dressing up, cuz looking good for your own sake does wonders for emotional wellbeing

E - Talking to people, it’s not fair to you or your friends to shut them out, and the attention makes Adrienne happy

L - Hot Shower. As well as being good hygiene, hot showers improve circulation and relax muscles and the mind

P - cooking a whole meal for yourself, because you have a penchant for denying yourself food, and its a creative, mentally stimulating activity that gets you moving and is satisfying

D - He’d say sleep, but he always wants to sleep so its mostly detrimental. So he’s with Laura on hot showers, but like, in the dark. They’re good for if you’re upset, or nauseous, or tired, or have a migraine, or need a cry. Don’t gotta put much thought into it, if somethings wrong it can probably be fixed with a shower. Also the warmth is super nice, and a locked dark bathroom is basically the most secure place you have access to. AND you can use nice smelling soaps and stuff, so Addy is happy too. Showers are just default best.

Which Sanders Sides theyre most like

A - Patton

E - Roman

L - Logan

P - Anxiety

D - get fucked

As My Friends… 

A - Kevin - big puppy dog, adventure/food/trouble friend

E - John - loud and proud and also my libra buddy

L - Owen - too smart jesus christ

P - Bri - anxiety ridden and prepared for everything

D - Jake - seriously hes the embodiment of depression anyway its horrifying

Physical Details

A - always wearing body glitter. nothing too Extra but just enough for a slight shimmer

E - has all the tattoos ive ever fantasized about. when i think up a new one it gets added to the collection. the buffest looking; when they work out they go for tone cuz they love the look

L - the only one who wears glasses. also wears a binder cuz theyre most comfortable flat-chested

P - carries any injuries i have at the time, including random bruises or cuts. actually the strongest even though they dont look it

D - has cuts all up their arms. they’re normally wrapped in bandages or hidden under hoodies. Deep under eye bags and the thinnest by far cuz they never heckin eat

Group Opinion

A - despite being the oldest everyone sees her as the little sister they need to protect. they love when shes happy and they all put in efforts to keep her out of too much trouble for the most part

E - they see them as a bit of an egomaniac, which isnt too far off. they are the judicial voice of the group, keeping everyone in line. those who deviate too far face their wrath.

L - the nerd. the others actually try to dismiss them a lot, since a lot of times they end up holding the group back. wildly unappreciated even though theyre normally right and helpful

P - doesn’t normally pop into group discussions, and is more of a casual observer, only participating when necessary. the others appreciate this about them, because for real if they contributed all the time id be a lot more stressed out

D - the villain. everyone always attacks everything they say (with good reason). despite this they still somehow end up winning a pretty good amount of decisions, cuz they are disgustingly good at twisting words and appealing to what at least one of the others wants. no one trusts them

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.