#is what's making me go so fast and so hard. ive been starved!!

[qoldenskies]

Babagril I adore clipped wings and you are feeding my insatiable hunger for heavy angst and impeccable writing but I am a littol concerned about how fast you're putting chapters out recently. I know they've been on the shorter side compared to the beginning but plase don't push yourself too hard okies? We can wait, I just don't want you getting burnt out or something :(

Also you are so meanies to us why must Donnie constantly go through the horrors its the fic ive always craved and I am sobbing, thank youuu

hey hey im fine!! i should probably clarify that im genuinely just a fast writer and im. yknow. an unemployed 18 year old who doesnt have much to do other than stuff like this, and im fed and moved along by all the praise and kindness. you dont have to worry about me!! honestly a HUGE thing im aiming for while writing CW is the joy of getting to complete something, i actually crank these chapters out in like a sitting if im in a good mood LOL (theyre kind of scrappy, but im trying to combat my perfectionism. pretty much every time ive said im gonna take a bit i find myself too excited to, ive got a big hyperfixation on CC at the moment and all of the good reception has gotten me even more hyped bghdghfh. you have NO idea how much i stare at the fanart you guys have made for me ily....). for my next project i plan on writing a lot in advance and pacing myself better (especially because i want to do longer chapters for it), but for CW im happy to just speed through!!

^^ helped along by the fact that im trying to avoid making chapters long for the sake of it now. i dont really have a goal in mind for wordcount with this next set, because i think i want to think in what progresses more than that

and thank you!! teehee the thing i want to move to next is so much sillier but i do enjoy taking a real good dip into The Horrors....... not sure where i'll be going after wwww but its planned to be a HUGE undertaking anyway. but i will probably be returning to the horrors. and maybe CVD ive missed her my love

[izvmimi]

cw: this is so goofy. selfship-coded. izuku has a subtle breeding kink (i wrote this what's new). pregnancy mention. condom use. suggestive, minors dni.

you sit warily on the toilet seat, your fiancé right outside the door, and your foot tap tap taps as you wait for the little piece of plastic in your hand to decide your future.

ironically, you don't have the energy for trepidation anymore because you feel like by now you're at this literally every couple of days.

but baby it doesn't feel good?

but don't you want me to feel all of me?

i promise i'll pull out better this time.

just the tip is fine, right?

izuku's outside the bathroom door, giving you privacy as though he wasn't nose deep between your legs just last night, slobbering all over you like a starving puppy presented with a wet meal. for a moment it occurs to you that if you really are pregnant, even if you can clearly handle it financially and emotionally, you'll shove that stick so far up his ass that-

your timer goes off and it's negative.

you sigh.

izuku bursts in at the sound of your voice, immediately uttering a supportive "is everything okay baby?" the shine to his emerald eyes makes you wonder if he actually, deep down, does want you pregnant.

"perfect. no baby."

he grins and kisses your forehead as you adjust your panties up and stand to wash your hands. squishing your cheeks as he has trouble getting his hands off of you, he promises that he'll actually invest in some condoms.

you don't believe him, but you consider making that appointment to your ob-gyn to get an intrauterine device you've been thinking about sooner rather than later.

---

another night comes and he's looked at you like that and he continues to be built like that and you have no choice but to let him do whatever he wants with you, even if it is to drag you not really kicking and not really screaming from your work, going from holding you around your midsection to lifting you up effortlessly so that your crotch is pressed against his face. he sniffs you like an entire dog and you're both terribly embarrassed and terribly aroused by his sheer want for you. izuku is already pressing kisses to your mound through your yoga pants as he carries you to the bed.

"izuku, i still have shit to do!" you argue, but you're holding on tight to his head to keep your balance, as if he would ever let you fall.

"you've worked hard enough," he says, muffled by your legs around his face. "i'm asking politely. may i please have some pussy?"

the fact that he's asking this, just as you land on the bed with a practical bounce is almost offensive. you sit up.

"are you even asking?"

he leans in, grinning as he gets on all fours to descend upon you.

"i mean yeah, of course," he replies, knowing full well that you won't say no as he pulls off his shirt. you shake your head, but your shirt goes over your head as well. he catches your lips in a kiss first, and you sink into the bed under his weight as he practically smothers you in kisses. wet, sloppy, silly, you laugh against each other, groping each other with your hands, and then it occurs to you both at the same time.

condoms.

you pull away, his teeth still grazing at your lower lip.

"izuku, do you have any?"

he blinks for a moment, sitting back on his heels. then his eyes widen.

"yes!"

izuku sounds a little too excited just for condoms, and your eyes narrow, but he practically leaps off the bed and is burrowing through his workbag for something, and you squint, expecting a box.

what he comes up with dries you up so fast you'll need iv fluids.

his grin is wide as he presents to you, proudly, a string of pristine looking condoms, all printed with all might's million watt smile right on the packaging.

"see, i didn't forget!"

a moment of silence passes as you beg the heavens above that your adonis of a partner is not fucking serious about fucking you sideways with his mentor's brand of contraceptive rubbers.

"izuku."

"what?"

"..."

you walk out of the room, immediately, so irate you can't speak.

"WHAT?!" he asks, following you out immediately. "come on!"

there's no way you are coming or cumming anywhere in the next hour. not like this.

you find your seat back at your desk and crack open your hardback textbook as hard as you can, doing your best to ignore the whine his voice has taken. he can actually die of blue balls for all you care.

"come on, it's not that bad!"

you snap your head at him and give him a look, and he immediately recants.

"okay, i'll go out right now and get normal condoms, i promise."

you lick the tip of your index finger and turn the page of your book.

"please, my dick is literally so hard right now, don't you care if i die?"

"perish. let me see," you reply, without turning your head.

"wow!" you can't' help but stifle a laugh at his disbelief. you hear him shift upwards and turn, not even realizing he had been kneeling.

as he stands, you do get a look at his... impressive member. maybe he could die like this, the way that thing is rock hard and waiting desperately for you.

you blink, look at your book, then look back at him. he's looking at you with the puppy dog eyes, and he still looks the way he does and he's still built the way he is, and...

...

moments later, you're folded into a jackknife because your pro hero fiancé somehow always gets his way, but at least, mercifully, his mentor's condom isn't wrapped all over what's pumping in and out of you.

right before your eyes roll back in your head, you can still see all might's smile, and maybe you should have just stuck with the damn pregnancy tests after all.

[bitchywaifuwu]

Could u do a Do Shik request? Please

Where he and y/n used to date but then y/n broke up with him because he was being to clingy/possessive. So as a result of then breaking up he kidnaps her and keeps her in his basement. Few months later when y/n escapes and has do shik chasing her down she gets hit in the head with something hard and gets knocked out. When she wakes up in the hospital not knowing or being unable to recall what’s happened for the past 5 years or so the doctors diagnosed her with amnesia. Do shik takes advantage of that and tells y/n that they are lovers and have been dating for 5 years successfully tricking y/n and taking her back home like nothing ever happened.

im so sorry this has taken me so long to post, ive had to take a bit of a break for my mental and physical health and i stayed away from writing for way longer than i thought i would. i will try to put loads out now to make up for it though

do-shik x fem!reader

warnings : manipulation, kidnapping, forced starving, short coma, memory loss, abusive relationship, assault?

the grip on your wrist was strong - tight - and do-shik clearly wasn’t planning on letting go of you any time soon.

“you can’t leave me! i won’t let you!”

over the few years you had been dating do-shik, he had slowly become more and more possessive. it was hardly noticeable at first and whenever he told you that he “just wants to spend more time you, after all you’re always so busy with all the work your boss dumps on you,” you would brush it off and take his word for it. however, him calling your workplace and quitting your job for you with no discussion about it beforehand was too far. him not letting you answer your phone anymore was too far. and him not letting you see your friends or family was way too far.

you were finally fed up and you couldn’t just ignore all of the red flags that had slowly been popping up everywhere. you needed to get the fuck out of that house, and more than anything, you needed to get the fuck away from your boyfriend.

little did you know that decision would be the worst you would ever make.

three months. three months since he broke into the tiny house you and your mum were staying in and stole you away in the middle of the night. three months of worrying about her - not knowing what had happened to her and if do-shik hurt her. three. fucking. months of being borderline starved to death until you have to grovel at your captor’s feet, begging him to bring you even the smallest crumb.

even though he was almost a complete stranger to you again, you were easily able to identify that the expression stretching across his face each time was one of glee.

it took a lot of work but over the time you were hidden away within the depths of his home, you had gained his trust. not much, but enough for him to let you have free reign over your room and wander freely while he was away. you waited for him to leave late at night, most likely to find his next victim, and began planning your escape.

you had memorised the layout of the room, what was in it and where everything was so that when the time came for you to leave, he wouldn't be able to find you. most of your plan had been perfected; you would find the makeshift key you had made out of hairpins and scrap pieces of metal, pick the lock, and leave about ten minutes after hearing the car out front pulling out of the driveway.

you weren't sure where you would go but you did know that you would run as far away as you could. maybe even change everything about you. just so that you could be free again.

fresh air had never tasted so good, never smelt so different from the humid, musky air you got down in the basement. you finally felt free.

instinct kicked in and you ran. you ran as fast as you could through the winding roads and alleyways. priority number one was find a crowded area - somewhere you could get help and finally have do-shik locked away forever. the rough roads hurt and your bare feet were burning from the open scrapes on the soles.

the city was close. you could smell it, hear it, taste it on your lips. the sound of people shopping late at night, the scent of food from stalls on the street. you were so close. it was just a bit beyond the corner - only a little longer.

and then everything faded, a sudden sharp pain in the back of your head spreading across your whole body and as you lost consciousness you heard somebody shout for help.

when you came to it was bright. too bright. you could feel needles stabbing your brain over and over millions ever second. someone was holding your hand in a soft, clammy grip. you didn’t recognise him but by god was he beautiful.

“y/n? fuck i thought i lost you. why did you have to worry me like that?”

tears fell from his eyes onto the hand he still hadn’t let go of. his shoulders shook as he sobbed and you felt bad for not knowing who this man was. why didn’t you know who he was when he seemed to care about you so much that he would worry about you?

“who... are you?”

your voice was quiet and scratchy. how long had it been since you had used it? you couldn’t tell but your hair looked longer than you liked. the man’s eyes glistened with more tears and he looked hurt.

“you don’t remember me? i’m your fiance. we were going to get married 4 months ago - you went into a coma not long before the wedding. do you really not remember me?"

a simple shake of your head told him all he needed to know and he looked dejected, like he had lost all hope.

"but i'm willing to try and remember you. i'm sure you were important to me before."

his former expressiom morphed into a grin. it was a good thing you mistook the twisting feeling in your gut as a side effect of the medicine.

[chantalleadger]

Father´s Day Binge

TW: Self harm, Self hate, Eating Disorders, Vent talk. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS, IM SICK.

I overate. There was so much food everywhere and I was so stressed tierd and hungry. I couldnt even finish my workout today because of nausea as well. I usually do 3 hours of running but today I did 2.5 bc I had to shower and go to my dad´s house. Now there´s a lot of fast food at home as well -sigh- Im so tierd of being alive.

I dont want to feel sick tomorrow when I go for a run, but I know I will and the nerves won´t help at all...

I just hate myself so much.

I even cutted my leg because of that and because I didn´t do too well on a work-test.

I just want a job or to be worth it.

I dont want to go back to my days of food addiction. I just couldn´t handle it if one day I woke up and saw the old me-the disgustingly FAT piece of shit that I used to be on highschool.

I hate myself so much. I can´t wait to get used to running 3 hours per day again...but at the same time.

I have been running that much for so long and now that I lowered the amount of exercise and got busy with a job I could finally even lose some weight (1kg). And I have a small sense that is telling me that, if I don´t lower that amount and start to eat less instead, I will cause myself an injury. I´ve been doing this for at least 6 months now, but Im still pretty scared of it.

Difference is that, when I was busy I was too anxious and busy to eat and now I have my grandma living with me, someone who constantly brings fast food and bread to the house and dosnt let me do anything around the house. Theres nothing PHYSICAL that I can do to distract myself.

This is why I hate myself. Ive been applying for jobs but, no matter what I do, no one hires me. Every rejection fuels my next run. Every rejection makes me want to cut every single inch of my body with a blade.

I daydream of waking up one day with scars all over my arms and legs. Of touching them, petting them, feeling them. I yarn the texture of hard dry blood and the pain that makes it all feel real. If that is combined with touching my starving ribcage and collarbones...ouf. That would be so amazing.

[angry-geese]

To You Someday

Choso x Reader

Warnings: sfw. mention of periods, and blood, but overall its sfw. afab reader.

Summary: some very self indulgent fluff with choso comforting the reader when they're on their period. i needed a bit of fluff to balance out the fact that for the last like month ive posted nothing but smut

Word Count: 1.7k

Without fail, once a month you have this conversation. And once a month, without fail, he thinks you're dying.

He didn't quite understand the first time you explained it. You aren't dying, which is what caught him most off guard. He saw the slightest bit of blood on the sheets once—an accident really, you didn't know your period had started until a few hours after it happened—and quite literally thought you were dying. You spent a while explaining to a frantic, grieving Choso that you weren't about to die. Nobody can bleed for that long and not die. You have to tell him that you, in fact, can, and that this is something a lot of people deal with. He gets that it's normal, but seeing you in pain stresses him out.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times you tell him to not fuss over you, he always will. Worrying is in his nature. You're precious to him, he's not about to let you slip through his fingers. God forbid you try to lift something heavy, or try to do anything physically taxing. Choso insists on doing everything for you. However well meaning, his presence is a bit suffocating at times.

Having spent most of his life in a test tube, with only the faintest notion of what goes on around him, modern life was a bit of a shock. He had little notion of how the modern world works. Everything seems to happen so fast, the world is so loud and bright and busy. He’s overwhelmed. It feels like the second he gets the hang of one thing, something else comes up entirely. But even as he’s frustrated, or down on himself for not getting something, you’re always there to comfort him. You never judge him for needing help.

You like to think he’s adjusted well over the past year. With the help of you and Yuji, he’s settled into a normal(ish) life. It’s hard to consider life normal when you’re constantly dealing with curses, but there’s some sense of normalcy to it.

You were one of the first people to help him. It was a long process. Even today he’s still adjusting as the world changes around him. He owes you a debt he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to pay you back for. You tell him he doesn't owe you anything, but he still insists on paying you back. With what, he’s not certain yet.

He didn't understand his feelings for you at first. Choso cared about you deeply—he cared about Yuji—but his love for you was so much different than his love for his brother. Choso has always been affectionate. Not just to Yuji, but to you too. When you spend so much time together, it's hard to not love someone, even if just a little bit. He saw you as a friend; and then he didn't.

He found his every waking moment consumed by the thought of you. You weaved your way into every corner of his mind. From the moment he woke up, to the moment he shut his eyes, he was thinking of—or seeing things—that reminded him of you. Even in his dreams too. You made his heart race every time you talked to him, to the point he thought he was dying. Everything made his heart flutter. His brother had to explain to him that no- that's normal when you have a crush.

He loved you.

He’s never been so in-love.

He was head-over-heels, in fact. He still is. Even as you moved past the honeymoon phase of your relationship, he still was so hopelessly in love. Maybe it never ended, the two of you only grew used to being around each other. The others constantly make remarks about how they’ve never seen two people so in-love.

Yuji was the first to help him figure out his feelings. Choso had no clue what a crush was. He knew he wanted something more than friendship. He wasn't sure what. But he wanted it. Though you were less vocal with your feelings, everyone around you knew. From lingering gazes, to your eagerness to spend time with him, it was obvious. It seemed like everyone but the both of you knew.

Yuji wanted to help him plan some big reveal. He spent weeks scheming an elaborate plan. It had to be special. He wanted it to be a big day for the two of you. He wanted you to know, but he wanted his reveal to be special.

Choso’s confession was entirely accidental.

You had come back from a job injured. It wasn't anything fatal, but he had warned you not to go alone, and in turn spent the entire day worrying about you. So when he came back to find you bleeding out all over your bathroom counter, he panicked. A little blood never bothered him. Until it was your blood. He pulled you into an impulsive kiss.

And when he told you how he felt, you grinned wider than he’d ever seen. He wasn't surprised that you felt the same way, more that he was relieved. Surprise isn't the right word for it. Yuji let it slip that you felt the same way.

It’s become a nightly routine for the two of you. In the evening, while watching a movie or getting settled down for the night, he’ll have you play with his hair. He says it helps him sleep. You can believe it. He’s usually knocked out within minutes of you starting. Tonight is no different. He drags you out into the living room, sitting you down on the couch. He picked the movie- one recommended by Yuji. It was a bit longer than you usually watch, but you don't have anything planned tomorrow, so you don't mind staying up a bit late. Work can wait. You deserve a day off.

As you settle into your nightly routine, he’s by your side, insisting on helping you. His presence is a bit more overbearing than usual, but you don't think much of it. It doesn't take him long to get comfortable, settled between your legs, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Choso’s head leans back against your stomach, hands folded in his lap. He lets out a soft sigh as you comb his hair out of his face with your fingers, tucking it behind his ear. Your nails are getting long, and feel nice against his scalp. His hair is softer than it looks. It's getting long- it's past his shoulders now. Goosebumps raise along his shoulders as your fingers brush across his skin.

You’re the first person to touch him in such a way. You’re the first to hold him like he’s precious. Before you, his only physical contact was from fighting. Affection in such a way was completely foreign to him. He was touch starved, to say the least.

And then you came along and looked at him like he was the world.

He shifts so he’s nearly sitting in your lap, arms looped around your neck. His face buries in yours—his—shirt. Choso has lots of baggy, comfy clothes that you constantly steal. It smells like you, and laundry soap, and a bit of your shampoo. He likes letting you borrow them, you always return them smelling like you. As his head leans against your chest, he can hear your heartbeat. It's steady, but picks up in pace as he stretches to press a kiss to your lips. Blush dusts his cheeks, turning the tips of his ears and nose pink.

Choso runs cold naturally. Most of the time he refuses to cuddle unless you’re wrapped in blankets. You have to reassure him that you’re not as fragile as he seems to think you are. He knows. But that doesn't stop him from worrying.

Painkillers weren't exactly working. The pain is manageable, albeit coming and going in waves. Manageable is about the best things get. Choso seems to know something is up before you do. Call it a sixth sense or whatnot. Though you don't appear to be ill, you're not acting like your usual self. He doesn't remember you getting injured. You're acting like you're injured. That worries him greatly.

"You're hurt?" He asks.

“I’m just a bit tired.” You say. "It's nothing to worry about."

Slowly he untangles himself from your limbs. You try to pull him back into your lap, but let him go when he insists.

“Let me take care of you,” he says, gently pushing your shoulders back.

There’s no use arguing. He’s hellbent in his ways, especially when they come to you.

You wouldn't say you were paying attention to the movie, so much as you were present for it's duration. You flop back on the couch, your attention turned to the tv.

He tries to remember everything you normally do that helps. Heating pads, tea, fluffy blankets and extra pillows. Small creature comforts he’s never really lived with before. He didn't see a need for them until he had them, and then he found himself unable to live without them.

Choso disappears into the kitchen for a moment, returning with a cup of tea, and a heating pad. Heat helps sore muscles. As he settles back onto the couch, he pulls you into his lap, his arms wrapping around your waist, your back against his chest. The warmth helps with your cramps a bit. The heat feels nice against your sore muscles.

His fingers trace across your skin, memorizing every inch of your body like he’s reading a book of braille, soft and loving. Choso isn't shy in how he appreciates your body. He could spend hours running his hands over your body, tracing every dip and curve of your form. He wants to know your body better than he does his own; what you like, how you feel, what you taste like. In public he has to have an arm around you, or his fingers laced with yours. Everyone has to know you’re his.

One of your hands finds his, your fingers lacing together. He holds your hand to his cheek before planting a kiss on your knuckles. Soft locks of his hair pool around his head, tickling your neck.

He’s never been so hopelessly in love.

Though your eyelids begin to feel heavy, you still fight to stay awake. He pulls the blanket from the back of the couch, tucking it around you. The warmth, combined with the feeling of his arms around you, threatens to lull you to sleep.

Choso is there when you fall asleep. And he’ll be there long after you wake up.

[wienerbarnes]

Italian Heart

Pairing: Bucky x Italian!MobBoss!Reader

Word Count: 4,867

Warnings: canon level violence, possible inaccurate italian slang lol

A/N: ive been watching a lot of the sopranos lately and i feel like ive never seen a bucky x mob boss reader au (ive only rlly seen em where buckys the mob boss. if there are ones where reader is the mob boss PLS SEND EM TO ME I BEG) a lot of the slang and mob stuff here is from sopranos bc... im not in the fucking mafia so forgive me anyway enjoy :)<3

MAIN MASTERLIST

Bucky’s never seen a woman quite like yourself.

Dressed in expensive satin and jewelry that hangs between your breasts, an angry look on your face at the fact you’re sitting before him and Sam in an interrogation room in the tower. Freshly done nails, clean and crisp lipstick, spicy perfume, and an expression of annoyance.

As put together as you look, you don’t look like someone to be fucked with. Which, he supposes is good for a mobster; the Boss of Newark.

Looking at you, though, he’d never thought you to be such a figure of intimidation. While the mafia is still alive, despite how the media tries to deny this, he always pictured an old Italian man that chain smokes cigars. He doesn’t think he’s too far off, to his credit; he can smell the remnants of smoke on you.

“Mind if we make this fast? My cousin’s comin’ for dinner and I was gonna make ziti.” You huff, crossing your legs under the table.

“Sounds delicious. Sorry for dragging you all the way out here.” Sam says, a calm look on his face even though he’s well aware of what you’re capable of.

When hunting down the last traces of the super soldier serum, he never thought Nick Fury himself would suggest getting in touch with you. He didn’t think it was worth the time to question how the two of you knew each other.

Theft. Drugs. Murder. Bribery. The list goes on, and there’s not a single thing that ties you to any of it.

A shrug of your shoulders, “So, what exactly is this about?” You ask.

“What is it that you do for a living?” Sam asks.

“I work in waste management.” You respond, a rehearsed answer.

Not exactly a lie, the environmental facility you manage is one of hundreds of covers used by your crew for your crimes. Environmental facilities, deli shops, strip clubs, auto shops. There isn’t a business in Jersey you aren’t tied to.

“Waste management? Like, garbage disposal?” Bucky asks, knowing exactly what it is you do for work.

You smirk, “Yeah, we dispose of garbage sometimes. What’s that got to do with me being here?”

“It’s to my understanding that you’re in the business of… buying and selling things. You and… the people you hang around got a real knack for it.” Sam tells you.

Bucky holds back a roll of his eyes. More like stealing and selling. Expensive Italian suits, antique watches, cars, electronics, illegal cigars. Who knows what else.

“I don’t know where you heard that… but I’m a popular gal, maybe I know a guy who might know a guy. What are you lookin’ for?” You ask.

You know this game, after being in the mob for so long. After being a part of your own crew for years, your patience and hard work paid off, working your way up to a captain and finally a boss. It didn’t take you long to learn in this business that government officials are jokes. Always wanting to bust my balls and then come crying to my corner for help, it’s a bunch of ugatz.

“Serums.” Bucky finally speaks.

A laugh escapes you, “What, like vitamin C?” You teasingly smirk at him.

His chair makes a loud sound in the small room as he pushes it back harshly and stands, resting his hands on the table in between the two of you. You don’t flinch.

“Enough with the bullshit. Super serums. To create super soldiers. We need to get them before they end up in the wrong hands and make a big ass mess.” He snaps at you, but you don’t seem phased in the slightest. In fact, you seem rather amused.

“You must have a lot of agita with all that anger, Sergeant Barnes.”

He doesn’t hold back this time and rolls his eyes before you speak up again, “Your first name is James, isn’t it? Ain’t that Italian?”

“No, it’s English. Or Scottish. Or Jewish - I don’t know, who cares? Are you gonna help us or not?” Bucky takes his seat again, crossing his thick arms over his broad chest.

“What’s in it for me?” You ask, leaning back in your chair.

“Not being arrested for all the shit we know you’re caught up in.” Sam offers.

You roll your own eyes this time, “I’ll take my chances. Thanks for wasting my time, boys, don’t let it happen again.” You stand, prepared to make your way back to the train station to go back to Jersey.

“Wait,” Sam stops you, “What is it that you want?”

You smile innocently and take your seat again, taking a minute to think before answering, “My little sister’s a big fan of yours. I’m sure she and all her friends would think it’s cool if you showed up to her prom as her date.” You wink at Sam.

Silence fills the room as the men think about your request.

“You’re gonna do it, right?” Bucky looks over at him and sees Sam rubbing the crease in between his eyes. He was expecting you to ask for immunity, protection, money, guns. But after hearing your request, he supposes you have enough of all that stuff anyway.

“Man -” Sam begins to refuse.

“Sam, it’s a fucking school dance in exchange for some of the most powerful and sought after serums on the planet - go to the fucking prom.” He tells him, eyebrows scrunching in confusion as to how he would hesitate on something so simple.

“She’s eighteen, so you won’t have any problems with the media or none of that.” You add, the information not really making Sam feel any better.

“Alright, alright, fine. I’ll go to the dance with your sister if you help us get these serums.”

You smile, happy to have done business with the two men, “What information do ya got for me?”

…

Bucky and Sam wait outside a back room in the facility you own. They passed the garbage trucks parked neatly outside, but could hear your screaming and the smell of Cuban cigars as soon as they entered the building.

She’s with a customer, they were told, by someone in your crew, them meeting Bucky’s expectations for mobsters more than you did. None of them ask any questions, but Bucky and Sam aren’t stupid, they’re sure your crew is aware of what’s going on and know the exact reason they’re there.

“You’re a fuckin’ asshole, you know that? The Bible says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit -”

“You listen to me, you take your Bible and your quotations book and shove it up your fat fucking ass! Now get the fuck out of my face!”

Bucky can’t help but scoff listening to you scream at whoever’s inside. Sam elbows him, silently telling him that now isn’t the time to find your work funny, especially not in front of the rest of your crew.

Bucky knows he’s old-fashioned, and while things that were taboo such as body modifications or certain fashion styles don’t phase him anymore, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to hearing a woman talk like that. He doesn’t think he’s ever even heard anybody talk like you do.

Suddenly a man bursts out of the room, huffing and puffing, and you walk slowly behind him, as if to make sure he makes it outside okay.

“Grab his plate for me, will you?” You say not to anyone in particular, voice smooth and calm as if you hadn’t been yelling and threatening that man’s life for the past twenty minutes.

One of the men from your crew follows outside, seemingly to collect the license plate of the man who just left.

“Nothing’s gonna happen to that guy, right?” Sam asks as he and Bucky enter the room, taking a seat in front of the desk you have in there. He knows there’s no point in asking, that you’ll do whatever you want regardless because it’s obvious you’re passionate about receiving respect, but it was worth a shot.

“Is that what you came all the way to Jersey to ask me? Christ, I’m fuckin’ starving, you boys want anything to eat?” You ask, accent heavy as you reach into the side drawer of your desk and pull out what seems to be some kind of meat wrapped in paper.

“Gabagool?” You offer to them, picking out a slice for yourself and placing it in your mouth.

“Gesundheit.” Sam responds.

“It’s pork, you asshole.”

Bucky silently reaches over and picks off a slice of the cured cold cut, putting the meat in his mouth and savoring the flavor. While he can’t stand the way you make a living or the sailor’s mouth you have, he loves Italian food, and actually chose a neighborhood in New York that has plenty of traditional cold cut markets and restaurants to live in in order to fulfill his cravings.

“There’s a big party staged downtown this weekend, we think that’s when the drop is going to happen.” Sam tells you, bringing the focus to their reason for coming here in the first place.

“I’ll send one of my boys.” You reply in between your chews.

“That wasn’t the deal. The deal was you get the serums.” Bucky speaks up.

“Buck, you know how many people want her dead?” Sam tries to reason.

“What the fuck do I have a crew for then? - No, if pretty boy wants me to do it myself, then I will. The same people that want my head are the same fucks who are terrified to be within twenty feet of me in fear they’ll make eye contact. I’m not scared of nothin’.” You say, narrowing your eyes at Bucky.

“What did you guys come here to talk about?” You ask.

Sam looks confused at your expression, “...To go over the plan? Hash out details? So you know how everything’s gonna go?”

“I’ll be fine; I’ve seen The Godfather once or twice,” You tell him, wrapping up the cappo, after Bucky picks off one last slice, and replacing it in the drawer, “Don’t worry Captain, this ain’t my first rodeo. I’ll get the serums for you.” You open a different drawer and pull out a cigar and a lighter.

Bucky watches as you place the large cigar in between your red-painted lips, bringing the flame of your lighter to the end and hollowing your cheeks until smoke exits from the corner of your mouth. Bucky feels blood travel south as his eyes glaze over your hand grab the cigar out of your mouth and blow out a long string of smoke.

“I guess we’ll be in touch then,” Sam stands and Bucky follows after.

“My sister’s wearing blue, so find yourself a nice tie.” You call out, lifting your feet up to cross them on the desk, dress rising and showing your legs.

Bucky blushes, and then laughs as he exits when he hears you, in a deep and more exaggerated accent than your own, “Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in!”

…

The morning of the party, Sam and Bucky pick you up from your house, planning to take you into New York to discuss final details before tonight.

You get in the passenger seat, Sam offering it to you and climbing in the backseat. As Bucky begins to drive off, your phone rings.

“I told you to leave that.” Bucky says, telling you explicitly to leave electronics here to prevent anyone finding out where you are, and also to avoid any distractions.

“Wanted to see what you’d about it, Sarge,” You wink at him, pulling out a flip phone and answering the call.

“Yeah… Uh huh… He what? Are you fucking kidding me?... Alright… Tell him not to move a fucking muscle.” You hang up, slamming the phone closed.

“Stop at the facility for a sec, I gotta take care of something.” Bucky sighs and turns away from the route to head to your facility.

“Bucky’s going to be going with you tonight, by the way, he’ll be in disguise. Just in case anything goes wrong.” Sam tells you, not really caring anymore about having to make a stop for you to take care of whatever business you need to take care of.

Your only response is a hum as Bucky can feel the anger radiating off your now tense body.

You slam the car door shut as Bucky parks behind a garbage truck outside, not even waiting for him to fully put the car in park before you exit.

Him and Sam follow quickly behind you to see what’s going on. You enter through a side door that leads to a large room, a garage for the trucks, Bucky assumes.

There’s a large truck inside, and racks of suits wrapped in plastic scattered around. A younger man stands near the truck as your crew peruses around the racks, he couldn’t be older than twenty-five years old. Your heels click on the ground as you approach, slowing down as you glance between the suits and the young man. Bucky and Sam hang around a few feet behind your trail.

You stop, fuming, staring at the man before you speak, “You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”

“I -” He begins, but you cut him off, raising an open hand at him.

“Actually, I don’t even want to hear your fucking voice right now. Because if what I heard you did is true; if what you did to Vinny’s guy is true, you’re gonna be a fuck load of trouble.”

“Can I -”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“But -”

“I said shut the fuck up, Christopher! What part of that don’t you understand?” You yell, and even Bucky feels intimidated.

You turn to your crew, “What the fuck happened.” You demand, more than ask.

“Kid says he tried to take the truck, Vinny’s guy had a gun that fell outta the seat, went off, shot him.” One of the men summarizes, not looking up from the rack of suits.

You raise a manicured hand to pinch between your eyes, “You keep me skinny, Christopher, with all the fucking stress you cause me.”

“Would you let me explain?” He tries.

“If you don’t do as I told you and shut your fucking mouth, you’re gonna be buried with two assholes,” You threaten before continuing.

“They were fuckin’ suits! All you had to do was take the truck! How did you fuck that up -” You stop yourself and sigh, attempting to calm yourself down.

“Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna take all this shit, you’re gonna take it back to Vinny, and you’re gonna tell him what happened yourself.” You finish.

“Marone!” He exclaims, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Enough with the theatrics! You’re lucky I don’t put a bullet in your ass! Now, I don’t see you grabbing that rack and that rack and that rack and putting it back in the truck!” You wave your arms around the room.

The kid sighs and begins grabbing the racks one by one and rolling them back in the truck.

“Would it be such a shame if they all went back?” An older man from your crew asks, already wearing one of the expensive suits. You scoff and laugh.

“Bucky, pick yourself somethin’ nice for tonight,'' You turn to face him, and he jumps at the sound of your now calmer voice being directed at him, as opposed to the harsh one used on Christopher, “On me.” You wink.

...

Sam and Bucky sit on the bed and watch as you get ready. A small apartment near the party that’s already been swept for bugs. A favor, you called it, from someone you know.

They don’t question it.

“You and Bucky will go in together and I’ll be waiting at a secondary location watching and listening to everything.”

Bucky can’t tear his eyes away from your dress. A mermaid dress, he thinks it is, black and tight and hugging you in all the right places, curving around your ass and sleeveless at the top, allowing you to show off a nice necklace and your cleavage. It’s an understatement to say that he’ll enjoy accompanying you tonight, even if it’s in a costume.

His mother probably would’ve loved it if he would’ve gotten with someone like you. Someone who loves their family, a spitfire that wouldn’t take any of his shit, and whose god damn gorgeous. She might’ve had to wash your mouth out with soap, though.

“So, why is Bucky goin’ again?”

“Safety.” Bucky answers.

“Is he going for my safety or am I going for his?” You tease, finishing the last few curls of your hair, smoke coming from the iron after each time you pull your hair away from it.

“Once you find our guy, get talking with him and see if you can get him to make you an offer,” He begins.

“One I can’t refuse?”

“Then, you’ll try and get him alone, see if he’ll show you the serums, and once you do, we’ll be taking care of the rest.” Sam finishes explaining.

Bucky plucks a box from his pocket and opens it to reveal a pair of diamond earrings. One, a camera, and the other, a microphone. You’re also given a comm to hide in your ear so both him and Sam can hear everything and you can hear them.

“Easy - peasy.” You respond.

The ballroom is lively, loud music and people everywhere, and Bucky attunes all the action overwhelming him to a sweat and not that fact that you’re pressed up against him, his arm wrapped around your waist.

About a hundred different people come up to greet you, asking about your family, offering you drinks and food. Bucky can see right through all of them though; they’re all putting on the act out of fear. Everyone’s attention is on you, and Bucky’s sure if he wasn’t in disguise right now, no one would even notice.

You bring him to the middle of the crowd and he can’t be surprised when you start to dance with him, pulling at his arms to get him to loosen up. He complies, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close as the two of you move together.

“I’ll let you know when I spot him.” He tells you, voice causing goosebumps to rise on your neck; goosebumps that he notices but doesn’t point out.

It only takes a song or two before he spots who he’s looking for and sends you over, making sure your com is on, and choosing to stick by the bar, giving him a good view of you and allowing himself a break of having your body pressed against his.

He’s impressed listening to you talk to this guy, voice smooth and sultry, yet still commanding.

He knows there was a lot of talk when you took position as boss; not a lot of people in the mob took you seriously and didn’t think you or a woman in general would be good in that kind of position in power. So, you use that to your advantage to get shit done, and Bucky applauds you for that.

It’s not long before the guy offers to go somewhere more private to discuss business and Bucky follows far behind, Sam praising you through the coms from where he waits in the car outside, watching through the camera in your earring.

Bucky waits outside of a closed office door upstairs, listening to the conversation through the coms but hearing your exclamation through the door when the guys give you his asking price.

“5 mil each?! What do you take me for, some kinda stunad?”

“Take it or leave it.”

“Take it or leave it, yeah, I can put a bullet between your eyes and take it, alright.”

“Stop messing around and take the offer, it’s not real anyway!” Sam tells you, not wanting to lose their chance on the serums.

You ignore him prioritizing your need for respect over the stupid mission, “How do I know these aren’t Kool-Aid pouches poured in glass bottles?”

“Well, I’m certainly not going to test ‘em out for you.” The guy scoffs.

“Stronzo. You’re outta your fucking mind offering me that.”

“I’ll lower the price for you if you give me a little dance, how ‘bout that?”

“Vaffanculo.” You curse at him.

“Up yours, lady!” He yells back, and Sam sees through the camera, he grabs at you.

“Buck, get in there.” Sam tells him, and it only takes Bucky a second to kick open the door.

He’s a bit taken aback when he not only sees the case of serums out on the table, but you holding the man bent over the small table in the middle of the room next to the serums, gun held to the back of his head.

He very quickly decides that you’re fine and moves to grab the serums, closing the case and holding it securely in his left hand.

“Don’t kill the guy.”

You stay silent and Bucky looks at you again. He can almost see the steam coming out of your ears and he notices a small cut on your cheek bone. He looks down to the man’s cowering figure and notices a large ring on his hand.

You mumble something in Italian to the man, a threat of some kind that Bucky can guess given how the man shuts his eyes and shakes a bit under your hold. Sam finally enters the room, military grade handcuffs in hand.

“Feds are on their way, get her out of here.” He tells Bucky.

You slowly lift the gun off the man’s head and stand up straighter, walking over to brush past Bucky in the direction of the back door.

He makes eye contact with Sam and gives him a nod before following after you, watching as you scrunch up the bottom of your dress to replace the gun in an ankle holster. Once outside, he stops you under a street light near the car and raises his hand to look at your cheek.

“We gotta get going,” You swat at his hand.

“You’re still bleeding.” He says, using his thumb to brush away the line of blood, smearing a red tinge on your skin.

He looks into your eyes and for a second he sees the tough exterior drop. The face of someone who got smacked across the cheek all for mouthing off at some asshole.

Your vulnerability doesn’t last long, though, as you sniff and walk towards the car, opening the passenger door and sitting inside before Bucky can make it over there to open the door for you.

The drive back to the apartment is silent, and Bucky doesn’t know what to do or say to fill the silence. Stepping into the apartment, you immediately go to change and collect your things. Bucky moves to the bathroom to look for a first aid kit of some kind.

He meets you in the room and you’re now in cotton pants and a large t-shirt, sandals on your feet showing the bright red color of your toenails and the lines indented in your skin from how tight your heels were. You’re hanging up the dress and zipping it back in the cover when Bucky drops the first aid kit on the bed.

“Christ, it’s only a small cut.” You mumble.

“Just - Let me, would you?”

He takes out the liquid of disinfectant and soaks a cotton pad, cleaning off your cheek bone with it before covering it with healing ointment and a bandaid.

You don’t thank him when he finishes and he huffs as he closes the kit, “When do you drop the act, huh?”

“I don’t.”

“Really?” Bucky asks in annoyed disbelief.

“No. People tend to try and have me whacked when I drop the act.”

He sighs, “So, what, nobody ever takes care of you? Treats you? You don’t have any days off? Time to be yourself?”

“This lifestyle doesn’t really allow me to have days off, Sergeant Barnes.” You snap, gathering the dress in your hands and turning to face him completely.

“Take me home, I’m tired and my feet hurt.”

You leave him in the room and he waits an extra few seconds before dropping the conversation and following you out.

...

Bucky opens the back door to the environmental facility with his right hand and sees the door to your office open, you and your crew sitting together surrounded by cigar smoke and he can hear a TV on.

“Sir, please step into the vehicle.”

“Like the cop would be callin’ this asshole Sir if the fuckin’ cameras weren’t around!” You wave a hand at the TV, not yet seeing Bucky standing there.

He finds it funny that the gnarliest criminals - the literal Mafia - spend their time watching shitty, scripted cop shows.

It’s been about two weeks since the mission with you where you retrieved the serums. Sam went to prom with your sister five days ago, which was hilarious for him, especially when he got photo prints of different sizes in the mail at his apartment. He didn’t bother thinking about how you found his address.

One of the men sitting next to you glances his way and sees him standing there, smirking at the vision of him; hair combed slightly back and to the side, and a large bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a small paper box in his left.

“You got company, Boss.” He says.

You look over to the doorway and your jaw drops in an open-mouthed smile.

“Look at googootz! Now this is a man that knows how to treat a lady, are you boys paying attention?” You tease, scurrying over to him and pinching one of his cheeks, resting your free hand on his large bicep to guide him into the room, the rest of your crew ushering out to give the two of you privacy.

“What’s in the box?”

“Cannoli.”

You throw your head back with an exaggerated moan, “You know the way to an Italian woman’s heart, Sergeant Barnes. What’s with all the gifts?”

“Thought I’d treat you.” Is all his response is.

You narrow your eyes at him and stand up a little straighter, crossing your arms over your chest.

The last conversation before he dropped you off that night hasn’t escaped his mind. He understands the difficulties of life - how it’s hard to find time for yourself among the busy schedule that is existing. He catches himself sometimes, too, forcing his body to run with no sleep, burning through all of his energy until he’s completely drained and blaming it on life.

But life’s not always like that. Life allows for days off. For treats. For a bit of kindness. And Bucky’s come to show you just that.

“What, a beautiful woman like you never received flowers and pastries before?” He says, taking a half-step forward to be close enough to look you closer in the eyes.

“Are you flirting with me?” You whisper in amusement.

His eyes glance away from yours to look down at your red-painted lips. He gives you a shy smirk, really turning up the charm. For a big, bad, boss, you’re pretty easy to break down.

“Let me take you out tonight.”

“Maybe I’ve got plans.”

“Cancel ‘em.”

“What makes you think you’re worth canceling plans for?”

“Why don’t you trust me and find out?”

“You should know by now, Sergeant Barnes, that I don’t trust.”

He doesn’t respond for a moment, setting the box of cannoli on your desk before reaching his now free hand up to your face, using his finger to brush away a stray hair and push it behind your ear.

He then takes a hold of one of your hands, turning it over to place a kiss on the top of it, before wrapping your fingers around the flowers in his other hand, forcing you to take them.

“No restaurant you’ve been to a hundred times over, no drama, no business. Just a man trying to treat a lady.” You look down at the flowers before meeting his eyes again.

“I get to pick the place.”

“No.”

“The kind of food.”

“No.”

“The -”

“No. Let me take care of everything.” Bucky insists, determined to get you to give up control for the first time in what he can only imagine has been a very long time.

Bucky knows better than anyone how terrifying it is to give up control. It was terrifying when he was forced to give up control, his free will taken away from him in the war for decades upon decades, but it’s terrifying even now when he has to do it as a free man. It makes a person vulnerable. When was the last time you were allowed to be vulnerable for somebody?

“I’m gonna pick you up here at six. Wear something nice and leave the executive attitude at home.” He finishes, leaving you with the flowers and cannoli before returning back outside, ignoring the stares he receives from you crew who wait patiently outside your office.

He feels your eyes follow him at the door, and he can’t wait to sweep you off your feet tonight.

[daddyd0nt]

For the record Im not “so fat I need to wipe my ass with a stick” im almost 6 feet tall and around 270lbs (probably less because my weight has finally been evening out but thats what I was at my last physical)  im fat but only like “cant buy cheap clothes from china” fat but it doesn’t keep me from doing physical shit (the job I work is extremely constantly physically demanding) and my bloodwork is all good it is literally just an aesthetic thing and it happens to almost everybody who takes the meds Im on like yeah it sucks but I can work a job now and can be trusted to keep myself safe so Im not totally unhappy with the trade-off.  Id like to build a little more muscle and get a little more fit but the strain that the medication puts on my circulatory system makes it hard.  Ive been doing intermittent fasting for a little over a month and it is going well but the farmer assholes are a lot more concerned than my Dr is about my size.  Also me and Luna are very similar body types, Im an inch or two taller than her and about 50lbs heavier but you don’t need to point out 500 times that we are both broad girls especially knowing that she is struggling with ED. And she DOESN’T look like me, she significantly slimmer stop encouraging the delusion that she is bigger than she is the poor girl is already struggling with ED.  U don’t LARP ED.  If you want or are trying to give yourself an eating disorder you already have one.

And “there were no fat people in Auschwitz”  yeah because the prisoners were literally starved TO DEATH they were starved past the point of their metabolism slowing down to the point where upon freedom they couldn’t process their first meals and many died from refeeding syndrome.  The stereotype of the “fat German” comes from the fact that during reconstruction people were being re-introduced to normal caloric amounts and their bodies would respond by getting enormous.  And there WERE average-build people in the concentration camps, that famous picture of the children by the fence contains quite a few kids who are not emaciated.  The most striking pictures are of the severely emaciated prisoners so that is why they are used most often but there are plenty of pictures of broader/heavier people in the ghettos where starvation rations were implemented and like I said these people were starved TO DEATH  you either die or you recover and accept the recovery weight, are you really pointing to Holocaust victims as “Ana goals” because that is a new level of sick.

Oh and the thigh gap thing isn’t “fat girl cope” I have been underweight (like actually BMI wise not just for my frame) and never had a thigh gap because it is literally a matter of if ur hip bones rotate during puberty or not.  Ive seen girls my size with thigh gaps, it is about bone structure not bodyfat.  

To the person who said my interest in Luna was “because Ive found somebody with a worse life that I can gloat over” I feel really bad for you if that is what motivates you to make friends.  And its not “parasocial” we have had a number of conversations she just doesnt like responding on posts publicly because of the whole stalking thing and Im not a scumbag who shares my DMs.  Shes a cool person, never been anything but nice and chill, and I really like her art.  Im hoping to bring her on board as an illustrator for a project Im working on, in fact.

Sorry for the novel I just have not read lolcow in ages and can’t believe Im still being discussed.  Im fat and autistically friendly, there are a lot of worse things  you could be (like, for example, somebody who participates in and laughs about sex crimes by spreading revenge porn of people) and it isnt like Im overflowing with milk I go to work and smoke my weed and watch my silly little horror movies yall are so swept up in the mob mentality that u have to attack anybody who shows the poor girl some decency and Im sorry not sorry but you don’t scare me and u aren’t going to bully me into participating in ur nastiness.  

[elysianslove]

hey sal im back!! ive been wanting to talk to u but uni assignments kept on taking the time i usually spend on this app >:( but anw!! how is ur ramadan going so far? i hope ur doing amazing bc in my case my brain barely works without food so with the amount of assignments + my brain’s lack of productivity + nsfw content restriction (bye bye my go to stress reliever) my life has been pretty challenging ,, but overall ramadan has been beautiful as always <3

i also have this random thoughts lately that id really want to share with u so pls do tell me ur opinion 😙 so i was thinking abt how haikyuu boys would join u fasting for a day — i imagine the msby 4 would ask u to wake them too so they could accompany u while ur preparing ur suhoor meal but they ended up eating along and asking if they could join u fasting since they dont have any practice for that day. bokuto hinata & omi would do it out of curiosity but tsumu, being cocky a gentleman he is, says that he’s doing it so u wouldnt starve alone. i think bokuto would be super whiny the whole day like he would keep asking what time is it and being super dramatic saying his patience has never been tested this much ; hinata would keep on forgetting that he’s not allowed to consume anything — u literally caught him unconsciously open the fridge multiple times and he would went from 😮 to ☹️ ; omi bb wouldnt complain even a bit he would say ‘dont worry’ while furrowing his eyebrows followed by the loud scream coming from his dying tummy ; and tsumu — sigh — this man would (not so) secretly eat which ofc u caught him and he would most likely say something like ‘babe i needed a time out 🥺’ he b rlly making his own rules.

honestly just thinking abt these scenarios makes me rlly happy and i’d be delighted to hear ur thoughts abt them!!

ig thats all ,, sorry for the long rambles 😣 dont forget to always take a proper care of ur beautiful well-being during ramadan && since being happy is p hard sometimes so im hoping ur doing okay and that u would find joy by taking pleasure in the little things u do everyday <33 *give a long warm hug and a kith*

- 🐬

hi lovely!!! i’ve missed you so much omg!! ramadan is going pretty well! i haven’t been able to properly enjoy it because of the amount of work i always have, but i’m trying my best to yk!! 

also oh my god,,, i was actually just thinking about what is the seijoh boys joined you in with fasting for a day, and then i see this in my inbox. on god i manifest some of the asks i get. 

but the msby fasting with you is sososo cute omg <3 like they’d probably see you wake up a while before fajr to go have suhoor and they’re so confused like ??? you woke up just so you can eat? and while you’re preparing some food for yourself you explain it to them and each of them like take a minute before they nod so determinedly and go, “we’ll do it,” like you’d just assigned some life threatening mission to them. you warn them and tell them to eat a lot but not too much, and not to eat anything too salty — bokuto chooses chips because :( he was craving them :(. you urge them to drink so much water and atsumu gets so bloated. ends up saying something like, “i’d look so good with a dad bod,” smh. kiyoomi is the only one that follows everything you’re saying but after fajr you catch him reaching for the bottle and he just winces like, “sorry, forgot,” like already!!! hinata lays in bed that night still so hungry even though he’d just eaten because now he’s stuck w the knowledge that he can’t eat, and goes and pokes you awake like, “can i have a small snack? that’s okay right?” 

and oh my god you know what’s even sweeter? if atsumu texts his brother about what they’re doing and osamu joins in too. at iftar when you go to break your fast, atsumu suggests his brother’s restaurant and then osamu has dates and soup made, as well as so much food ready for the six of you. he says a broken, practiced, “ramadan kareem,” when he’s giving a date to break your fast i :(

they eat. so much. and as soon as they’re done they’re like, “so what are we having for dessert?” and omg!!! getting them to try traditional ramadan desserts like kunafa with different things like kunafa with chocolate and kunafa with mangoes and basboosa and atayef and they eat it all. they better not have practice the next day because god they are all so bloated after. 

i love this so much :( i was thinking about the seijoh boys doing it w you too, but i’ve rambled on too long about the msby so maybe another time hehe

[laurianasshit]

thin

sunday 19th june 2022 7.52pm 

im starting my journey, properly. ive been cutting my calories for a few days now, 12 days to be exact. a bit about me is, on here im gonna go by lauriana, im 15 and pretty thin already. i used to have a super fast metabolism and was super active and fit. but two summers ago, one of my friends starting starving herself, and i starting doing it as well. i was already so thin, but got thinner and thinner as well as messing my metabolism up. later in the year physically, i healed. but mentally, i could never quite do it. now, 1 and a half years later, im starting again. it feels like whatever i eat i feel like my stomach gets to full. the past 12 days its been hard, ive had around 900 calories per day. my best day was the second day, 8th june, i had 500 cals, the worst day was the 15th of june, i had 1800. i felt so horrible after and tried to make myself purge. i was so close, but mentally i couldnt do it. its hard because i have a pretty full on job. i go to school for 35 hours a week, as well as working twenty. i work as a kitchen hand, i love working and standing on my feet for 5 hours on most days must help me stay thin right? sometimes i use that to justify my eating, but i have no clue if it actually is burning calories. sometimes when i stand up i feel dizzy, or things go black. but its never enough, its not just about being skinny, i want to be seen and heard. i want to go live in the hospital and everyone to worry and care about me. i want too look, feel and be sick. there are people who used to care, who dont anymore. i want them to think of me and wonder if there is more they couldve done. i want them to feel guilty for leaving me and worry about me. i want to be skinny and i want to look beautiful and feel happy and confident. i want to be the skinniest thinnest girl in every photo. i want everyone to see me as inspiration and a goal. i want people to ask what i ate today so i can find new ways and cover ups on what i “ate” or why im not eating. so this is my new journey, my new project. i dont have scales so im not sure how much i currently weigh, but im hopefully going to buy some soon. my gw is 40kg (88 pounds), ugw 35kgs (77 pounds). ill update when i can, and i hope i have some people who i can take on this journey with. 

bye! ily 

8.20pm  

[jarofstyles]

Dirty Business IV- Macchiato

A/N: This is all we have from these two for now :( but please do let us know if you’d like more!! Thank you so much for reading!

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masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: hints of angst, references to trauma 

word count: 14k

Paris was spectacular. 

It was truly a trip Y/N would never forget. She had Harry had a week worth of incredible sex, delicious dinners, and of course, romance. They’d gotten to know each other quite well, on a deeper level too. Business wise, things went incredibly smooth and Harry had saved the company way more with his deals. Y/N’s father couldn’t stop singing his praises. Y/N has already felt herself healing, showing more of herself around him and to her surprise he was reacting well. Harry really was a good guy, really was committed to her and that was something she was still trying to get through her head. 

When they landed back in New York they didn’t want to separate just yet, so she had the car drop her off at hers so she could put some of her things away before she hopped back in the car to go back to Harry’s. She was very excited to be back, of course, the mugginess wasn’t exactly welcomed. 

“I’m so excited to meet Oliver!” Y/N really had been waiting to meet him the entire trip. “Your friend, Niall, is he there? Or does he just come to feed him?” She asked, feeling like she needed to prepare if she was going to meet his friends. Y/N wanted to make a good impression.

“Yeah, he came to feed Oliver but he went home. You can meet my friends soon, if you want. We go to the bars sometimes on fridays and you can come with me.” Now that they were a thing— a real thing— he was going to have to integrate her into more of his things. More of his lifestyle. He was curious as to what she would like about it and what she wouldn’t. It was fairly obvious she had grown up in the rich world and hadn’t been in the middle class let alone broke territory. That’s what Harry was used to. No matter how big or rich he got, he wouldn’t forget that. Or fast food or primark jeans and tee shirts. “C’mon then.” He was a bit worried about her seeing his place but... she wasn’t judgey, he didn’t think. The girl was a diva but didn’t seem to value people less because of their monetary value.

Y/N thanked the driver again as they got out of the car, helping Harry with his bags before making her way towards the apartment. A brownstone. How cute. Of course, he probably wasn’t renting the whole thing, maybe just a floor. When they walked up the steps she smiled, happy he was on the second floor. Higher ceilings meant more space. Had a balcony too. Once they stepped inside she was greeted by the smell of something woodsy... hints of cinnamon and vanilla. It was very Harry. Of course. He turned the lights on and Y/N smiled to see that it was a lot like she had expected. Brick interior, lots of books and vintage looking things. 

“Baby, this is so cute.” She cooed, immediately feeling like she’d be coming over a lot. It had a homey feel that she wasn’t used to. His place looked very lived in which was nice. Y/N was constantly living in homes where not a single thing was meant to be out of place, looked like a damn museum. Her house was a little messy, but still. It wasn’t cozy like his.

“There’s my boy!” Harry smiled when he heard the patter of little kitten feet and a few mews coming from the hall. The orange kitten appeared and went straight for his dad, climbing up the leg of his jeans before Harry grabbed him. “There you are. I’ve missed you.” He kissed all over his little face as frantic putts left the tiny thing. He was so happy! This was a joyous occasion. “Want to say hi to Y/N? Yeah?” He asked, gently placing the kitten into her hands. The kitten was purring and let out a little chirp in interest as it sniffed her skin, little tongue peeking out to lick it. He felt his heart melt as he watched her kick off her shoes and hold the little kitten he loved so much, cooing softly at him.

Y/N was all soft and melty at the sight of Harry and his kitten, he certainly had missed him and Y/N understood. She would miss Harry too. Hearing the kitten let out such excited mewls made her heart happy, clearly excited to be back with his owner. Of course, Y/N was more than happy to give them their time. 

“Oh hello!” Y/N cooed, gently taking off her shoes so she could properly give the kitten attention. “Aren’t you the cutest little thing?” She pet over his tiny little head, scratching at his ears and smiling when he closed his eyes and purred for her. “Sorry I kept your daddy away from you, promise, it won’t happen again for a while.” She told the kitten and held him close to her chest, pressing a kiss to his little nose. She looked up at Harry with an excited gleam in her eyes, walking over so that he could show her around and give her the tour. He had quite a lot of space, more than she expected at least. Yes, everything was sort of cramped up into an open plan with few walls but it worked. She liked it a lot.

“We've got the kitchen, just off of here.” He pointed. It was an older one, definitely dated but it fit the feeling of the space. He had added a microwave but everything else came with the apartment. “The living space. The couch is kinda ugly but.. fucking comfortable. It was my first splurge here.” He pointed to the worn leather sectional with ottoman, made to look vintage but so comfortable. “Then we have my bedroom over here.” He had her following him as he turned on lights and Oliver purred in her arms. There was one cat tree in the living area and one in his room near the large windows. His bed was lower set but covered in a soft faux down comforter and lots of pillows because he liked comfort. There was a shelf with books and then his closet. “I have a tiny office but it’s a mess. It’s my desk and shelves.” He opened the door for her to see. It was messy with papers on the desk but he was over exaggerating with it. It was fine.

“A mess? Please baby, that’s normal.” She knew her father definitely had a much messier desk in her childhood home, wasn’t so sure about now but yeah. Y/N took a seat on the bed, smiling at how soft and comfortable it was. The only problem is that he probably slept in it with Caroline. “It’s really nice, baby. I like it a lot.” She said with a smile, placing Oliver in her lap in which he circled around a few times before curling up in her lap closer to her tummy. He most likely liked how warm she was. Y/N was melting though, looking up at Harry with glossy eyes because the kitten was so damn cute. “How could you even leave him? Oh my goodness... I would have had such a hard time.” Y/N pouted, noticing he was starting to unpack his stuff. It made sense though, he probably just wanted to get everything out of the way and change into something comfy.

Harry stopped unpacking when he turned round to look at her. She was sitting on his bed, with his kitten on her lap. It looked like she belonged. Like the girl was meant to be there with him. He wanted this forever. His smile was soft as he walked to her, leaning down to kiss her gently before going back to unpacking. He didn’t say why he kissed her and he could feel her confusion but acceptance of it as he took out a large sweater for her. It was a bit chilly in the apartment because the air con was actually good. He needed to turn it down. 

Y/N didn’t expect him to come over and kiss her like that, but it definitely did feel nice. Felt like she was very welcome here, like this was her safe space and that here she could do whatever she wanted. That she could be relaxed and herself and no one would judge. Harry would always make her feel overwhelmingly appreciated. She loved that about him. 

“Here. Put this on for now, the air conditioning is strong right now. Gonna go turn it down.” He left her in his room as he went to the hall to turn the thermostat down. He could hear her apologizing to Oliver as she must be changing.

“Sorry, angel. I know.. one second. Promise it’ll be even more cozy.” Y/N spoke, changing out of her outfit. It was always so nice just to dress down. The sweater was big on her but it was perfect that way. She reached in her bag and found a scrunchie, pulling her hair up into a messy bun and sitting back down comfortably on the bed with Oliver in her bare lap now. She was leaning with her back against the wall, a pillow behind her as she gently let the kitty who was enjoying her thighs. He pushed his paws against them, stretching his fingers out. He was precious. Is this how normal people lived? We’re these the pleasures of everyday life?

Harry came back in with a smile, seeing her leaning back on the bed. He took the television remote and threw it next to her as he began to unbutton the shirt he had been wearing. 

“Choose something’ to watch, baby.” He murmured, opening the closet to grab a soft tee shirt and sweats. He needed some comfort and Y/N and a good pair of sweats could easily be it. “Gonna grab us some waters and then I’ll be back.” He got up in the middle of the night for water so he always kept bottles in the fridge. Getting them, he walked back towards the room. It was only when he sat again did he realize— he was fucking starving. 

“Shit. I could really go for some dominos. You in?”

Y/N took over the remote, going on to Netflix and finding something that she felt like they both would be into. A nice feel good movie or something. She needed help choosing though so she decided she’d let him pick from her options once he sat back down. Her brows furrowed when he mentioned dominos. 

“What?” She asked, turning her head to look at him. He looked shocked at her answer. “What is that?— don’t give me that look baby...” Y/N whined hating that she had no idea what he was talking about. She was always embarrassed whenever something like this was brought up because if she didn’t grow up the way she did she’d know what that was. The rest of the world knew. 

“Hold on— we are getting dominos. S’pizza, baby. Can’t believe you’ve never had it!” He muttered in surprise, checking his phone and opening the app. Of course he had the money to get better stuff but it was comforting. “And we’re gonna get... 2 pizzas, Parmesan breadsticks and the cinnamon breadsticks.” He said decidedly. Yes. Absolutely. It sounded so good. “Christ, feels like the munchies. Haven’t smoked in a bit but even still.” He laughed, rolling on his side to hug her after he ordered. 

“Oh— okay, yeah.” She chuckled and felt a blush creep on her cheeks. “My mom never let me eat fast food as a kid and I never had cause I wouldn’t know what to get.” She explained shyly, “Do you wanna watch a Disney movie, a Rom com, or just comedy?” She asked curiously, feeling like she was in the mood for all three. Y/N knew sometimes when she was comfortable she could act like a child, Harry very much knew that after spending a whole week with her, but now being in a home environment it was different.

“Mm. Hate to break it to you, baby bun. But you’ll be having lots of fast food and will know what you like. S’a guilty pleasures, especially after smoking or drinking. Don’t tell your dad about the smoking though.” He requested though knew she wouldn’t. Y/N had missed out on a lot because of her parents. She hadn’t told him that explicitly but it wasn’t hard to miss that she was probably not having the most welcome upbringing. He could see in her eyes that she resented her mother especially whenever it came up. “Hm. I think... Disney, maybe? Proper cuddle material while we wait.” He wasn’t too picky and he was more so in the mood to bury his face in her tits and relax. Then eat. Yeah, he could go for some food. The airplane had snacks but no full meals because Y/N said it wasn’t worth it unless they brought it on at the airport. Besides, he was a lot more relaxed at home and that much was obvious.

“I won’t tell him if you won’t.” Y/N chuckled, knowing she had her own set of drug problems. As every fashion person did, she smoked cigarettes on occasion and did her fair share of cocaine as well. It wasn’t her proudest point, but everyone had to let loose somehow. It was just unfortunate she hadn’t found Harry sooner, maybe she would have a reason to not be so dependent on substance. That was all on her though. 

“Wanna cuddle, but Oliver looks so cozy.” She pouted, seeing the kitten all balled up and cozy in her lap. Y/N sighed and picked him up, pulling Harry to koala on to her the way she usually did with him and placed Oliver at her shoulder so he could nuzzle himself there. This was nice. Perfectly cuddled up and surrounded with warmth, between Harry and Oliver, Y/N felt properly complete. Nothing could touch her or hurt her here. None of her parents expectations, none of the social pressures, just warmth and comfort and love. Y/N placed a kiss on top of Harry’s head, hands combing through his hair the way he liked. It seemed to relax him well.

“Have I ever told you that I love your tummy?” Harry asked, his hand had gone under the sweater and ran his hand over it. “Really. S’cute. Wanna leave love bites all over it. Haven’t cum on it yet but I’d like to at some point. S’just great.”

Feeling Harry’s hand on her tummy made Y/N feel rather vulnerable. It wasn’t something that she heard often, or ever for that matter. She often hated that she had meat on her bones because she could never really be a model or anything like that. Other times it made her happy because she knew lots of men went wild for her curves. But to compliment her tummy? That was a first. 

“No...” She murmured shyly, feeling her cheeks get all red and her eyes tearing up a little because it just hit home. It hit really hard. Y/N pressed a long kiss to his head, whispering a thank you against his hair. It was something that she never thought she’d hear, having it heard it from her mother nearly everyday of her life growing up.

“Yeah, baby. Love it a lot.” He leaned his head up to kiss her before he slid down and lifted the sweater up to kiss on it. Tender kisses all over the incredibly soft skin, he hummed happily as she played with his hair. Normally when he was between her thighs he was at her cunt but right now he was having fun just kissing from under her breasts to her waistband of her panties. “S’so pretty. All mine.” He sucked gently on the middle of it, watching her face. Oliver has abandoned ship to go lay in his basket, and she has the ability to readjust herself now. “Soft and smooth and all mine.” He repeated. He liked knowing she was his but he also had a feeling she liked being claimed. His kisses moved from her tummy to her thighs, kissing up her legs until he got to her ankles. “The prettiest legs... sexiest feet too.” He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he really did like her feet. Kissing the bottom of her heel, the sole, then the arch.

Y/N was enjoying him properly kissing at her. She liked feeling all loved up on, especially by Harry. He was very good at making her feel appreciated and beautiful, it’s like he worshiped her but that’s the way that she liked it. To have control over him in some way even if he had control in every other way. It was the feet comment that surprised her. She always had small feet, made her rather clumsy, but they were always pedicured and smooth. Most women that wore heels all the time didn’t have the most attractive feet, but Y/N certainly took care of hers. She hadn’t realized how sensitive they were either until he started kissing on them. She squealed a little, feeling ticklish at the arch, his stubble pricking at the soft skin. It was the little things like this that made her realize he really was into her. Harry clearly appreciated a woman’s body, wanted to give her his all. She’d happily take it too.

“Mm. I like them quite a bit.” He smirked, kissing each of her toes. She was squirmy but he didn’t stop until each one had been kissed. It was fun to worship her and show her exactly what she was. Perfect. “I really enjoy touching you all over. Your thighs, your stomach, tits... all of you is so beautiful. Y/N. I feel like no one has properly told you just how stunning you are.” He frowned, looking over her body. “But that’s what I’m here for. Wanna hear a kink of mine?” He hadn’t admitted this to her before but she looked incredibly intrigued. “Mm, there are two. First are your feet. Never had a thing for feet before but yours are gorgeous. Gonna get you a toe ring or something. Love seeing them in heels. Sexy as fuck.” He kissed the side of her foot before letting it down, moving back to lay between her thighs with his hands back on her stomach. “Second one is a bit more taboo. Obviously.. can’t happen now. But I love the idea of gettin’ you pregnant. Watching your tummy grow. Being full of me. Cumming in you so it catches and you’re all mine, fully.” He nipped Above her belly button. “If you ever need me to cum, that’s the type of talk that’ll get me going quick. My Achilles heel, if you will.” He realized he needed to be open with her and tell her more so she would in turn open to him. “Didn’t know I had these kinks until you. Must be Y/N exclusive.”

“Never had a guy who likes feet before...” Y/N was a bit surprised at his admission, but she figured that it was his way of opening up and letting her in. If they were going to be having sex often it would be important to know what he liked. Y/N smiled at him, “can pick what color I get my nails done then, yeah?” She decided she’d be texting him every time or asking him the day before just so she knew what he wanted. “Wanna get me pregnant one day?” She asked curiously, deciding it would be an interesting topic to discuss. Y/N would of course happily have his child, especially if he would be the owner of the company. It was strange because she knew they just started dating, but he basically signed himself into having her hand in marriage. If he wanted the job he couldn’t leave her in a way. “I’ve got a thing for hands... and I really like your hands.” Y/N said and bit her lip softly, “and you know I do like when people are watching or can hear.” Their little escapade with Caroline on the phone proved that. “But a little more taboo though, I do really like being tied up... I struggle a little but it’s part of the act. Like being slapped and spanked too but...”

“Yeah? Wow... that’s hot.” He admitted bluntly. “Like to be slapped? Gotta work up to that. Your face is so precious..” he caresses it from his spot at her stomach. He would if she wanted it through. “Tied up.. that's especially hot. A struggle. Could be fun for role play.” He wondered just how kinky his girl could get with him. He would have to explore more of her. They had 2 days until he had to return to work and he was curious if she wanted to spend it with him. “Now spanking... we have tried and I love it. But I like that you like my hands. They’re on you whenever I have the chance.” Now that it was clear his job wasn’t on the line for daring her, he wasn’t as nervous. Granted he didn’t want to flaunt it too much but, Y/N was worth the ridicule he would face. “But yeah. Wanna get you pregnant for sure. Pretend until then. It’s just sexy to me.”

She was all warm and fuzzy at the thought of him agreeing with her, thinking it was hot. Her sweet sweet boy. Y/N turned her head and kissed the palm of his hand.

“Roleplay huh?” She raised her brow, “feel like that could be fun.” Y/N was excited at that thought because they could fulfill any fantasy they had. “Could pretend you’re trying to get me pregnant if you want, don’t mind that.” Y/N was on the pill and if it didn’t work and she actually ended up pregnant it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. What she was more excited about, was exploring this concept of roleplay a bit more. “What ideas did you have roleplay wise?” She asked curiously, “kinda already had a few fantasies come to life.... bosses daughter, having a mistress...” Y/N teased with a small smirk. “Could have all sorts of fun, hmm?”

“All sorts of fun. I like the idea of you stealing me away. Like you did in a sense... dunno. It’s so hot to me. Maybe be a little maid, know that my wife isn’t giving me what I want so you show me what I need. Or a teacher one. You being a terror of a student who needs a bit of punishment. The opportunities are endless.” They could do so much. “What are you thinking, baby? What gets you all wet?” He was curious to know what she would really get off on when it came to scenarios.

Y/N listened and hummed at the thought of all these scenarios. She was getting all excited, excited to try things out and see where they went. “I like those... a lot.” She hummed, her mind specifically liking the one where she’s tied up. 

“Just really like the idea of you taking complete control.. anything like that gets me going.” It might be her escapist complex, but anything where she didn’t have to be herself was already a win for her. “Wonder just how taboo you are with it though...” Y/N wouldn’t judge because she was rather kinky, but she didn’t want to say something that would freak him out. “You know all those classic porn set ups... the step sibling ones, can pretend we hate each other, pretend we’re cheating... love the idea of like.. animalistic sex. Maybe a police officer? All kinds.. think you’d just be hot doing anything to be honest.”

“Trust me.. I’m in for anything.” His eyes darkened at the scenarios. Nothing would scare him away from her. Nothing at all. He couldn’t be swayed. Not when potentially best found his soul mate in this woman. “Fuck.. all of those. Step sibling, cheating.... you want me to lose it hm? Want me to get all primal with you.” He could see a pattern in her. She liked doing what she wasn’t supposed to, and doing it as taboo as she could. He loved that. “Don’t have to worry about how taboo you are with me, baby. Nothing can scare me away. I want it dirty and kinky and wrong.” He licked his lips. “Made love to you the first night and it was amazing but... sex with us could be so much fun. I’d love to do all of those.” He wanted that badly. To have adventurous sex. “Like doing it where people can hear or know we’re fucking too. May have to take you to one of those fancy stores and have you in their dressing rooms.”

That last suggestion hit differently, that being something quite realistic for Y/N. Of course she knew that since she was a loyal customer they’d never tell her she couldn’t come back, but it would definitely be a place where she would at least have to be a little quiet. 

“Come up here.” Y/N mumbled, wanting him back up with her so that she could properly kiss on him. “Already got me going and we’ve got a pizza to eat...” She whined, cupping at the side of his neck and leaning up to kiss him hungrily. Y/N doubted they’d be able to hold back for long anyway, they’d spent 6 hours on a plane and an hour ride back without doing anything. That was a new record. “Gonna let me live out all my fantasies, hmm? Especially when you’re the CEO... gonna fuck me on your desk.” Y/N mumbled against his lips, “Gonna call you daddy for real too... can’t wait.” She really was so eager to please him especially in knowing that he was just as adventurous as she was. She couldn’t imagine why on earth he denied her for so long if his ex was as vanilla as he described.

“Course. Gonna try out every fantasy we have, I think. S’never gonna get boring with us.” He knew that pretty well. Y/N was exciting and full of new prospects. She was a dream. It was then that he heard the doorbell ring. “Fucks sake. Gotta open the door with this stiffy now.” He sighed, gently peeling himself from her. 

“That’ll be one lucky pizza person.” Y/N chuckled, smirking to herself because she knew she had a sexy ass boyfriend who looked incredibly fuckable right now. Of course, they’d have to eat pizza... and probably brush their teeth after so they didn’t taste like garlic, not that either of them cared but still. 

“Be right back, baby.” He grabbed his wallet with the tip included, opening the door to a younger teenage girl who flushed at the sight of him. His mouth was red from kissing and Harry a mess, and his cock was visibly hard in his sweats. A tiny smirk raised on his face as he took the food and gave her a 50, telling her to keep the change. Which was quite a bit, to be fair. He made his way back into the room, placing the food on the bed. At her shocked look it was apparent she never really ate in bed like this but it was a first timer for everything. “Can’t wait for you to try this. S’better when you’re drunk but I think every food is.” 

“Really?” She eyed him and saw he was getting cups for their soda. This was new for her. It did smell really good. “Okay.. teach me, what should I eat first?” Y/N asked, wondering if there was a way to eat it. Thankfully, he had ordered a basic cheese pizza and then the other had toppings on it. She’d try both. Taking a bite was like heaven. It tasted so fucking good she moaned louder than expected. “Oh my god— how is this food?” She asked with a mouth full. Y/N was practically ready to inhale it. Never did she think it would taste like this.

He grinned proudly to himself. Yes. Finally, he had introduced her to the delicacies in his world. She may have Caviar, but Harry had dominos and McDonald’s at 3 am. A proper little feast.

“Can’t believe you’ve never had it before. Welcome to my world.” He chuckled, obviously teasing her. “S’the world of calories and carbs. I have to work out for sure sometimes but it’s worth it, I think.” He shrugged. Yeah, it was. Y/N wouldn’t need to work out. Secretly he wouldn’t mind if she got a bit thicker. He just loved that. “Mm.” He took a drink of his water as he watched her do a little happy dance at the taste. She was so beautiful. He was lucky. Genuinely so lucky. “You’re cute.” He grinned at her. She stopped and looked at him with full cheeks of pizza and blushed a little bit. He loved it. She was so real at his house. Not that she wasn’t real other times but this felt so much more authentic to what he saw in her.

“It’s so good!” She told him, eyes wide as she continued to eat. Y/N couldn’t tell you the last time she had any carb that wasn’t gourmet. Maybe never. Y/N has pizza but only the really flat veggie packed stuff. Not this bready cheesy goodness. “You’re an angel.” It might seem small to most people, but not to her. Her mother never allowed her to eat stuff that all the other kids were able to eat, even when she went to birthday parties she’d have her eat something else. It was always embarrassing, she felt almost guilty eating a lot of it but she couldn’t stop herself. Y/N blushed, looking at him as if she’d been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to but eventually cracked a smile and giggled a bit. “‘s good I can’t help it..” She mumbled and took another bite, holding the pizza with both of her hands.

He was falling in love with her and he knew it. He could tell by the way his heart beat harder Just looking at her. She sat there and giggled over pizza and was in his sweat and damn, did he want to rail her right now. 

“We can get it whenever you want, baby. Gotta start indulging a little bit.” He wasn’t going to let her hate any bit of her or hold herself back for stupid reasons. She was going to enjoy life with him, damn it. “You’re so lovely.” He gently rubbed her thigh before returning to his own pizza. Still, he watched her. He felt himself falling. And he wasn’t scared of it. Not at all. He was welcoming it. He had a feeling she needed someone to love on her and Harry had a lot of love to give. Especially to her. He wanted to make her feel beautiful and appreciated because he knew it meant a lot to her.

----

Y/N didn’t mean to. 

She didn’t mean to be so clingy but she couldn’t help it. Spending time with Harry felt like walking on air, she had not a single worry when she was with him and it seemed like she could do no wrong. So forgive her for clinging on to such positivity and light, that’s all she ever craved and wanted. 

It started with her coming into his office for just about any reason she could think of, she would stick around until he father or someone else called her to do something. She didn’t even say much when she was in his office, just came to sit down and hang out with him and listen to him handle business. Then, it moved on to her asking if she could come over... little by little she started coming over his house nearly every single day, taking care of Oliver or even helping him with his chores. Yes, that’s right, she even did chores for him. Willingly. She moved on to buying him more gifts. More vintage stuff, new clothes and decor. Little things that she knew he would like, things she knew would make him smile. Be it a movie poster or a vinyl. Anything she could find, she got for him. She loved him, felt like she needed to thank him for everything.

Harry was a bit shocked to say the least. He had assumed that maybe she would be a bit of the type that would want gifts, but Y/N was the opposite. Instead she was the one bringing him things like watches or buying him fucking gucci boots, records or movies and first editions of books be liked. He didn’t really know what to do. He loved that she was thinking of him but didn’t want her to spend money like that. The suggestion not only fell on deaf ears and he woke up to a knock on his door and Y/N with a gourmet breakfast sandwich in hand the following day. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the fact she was around. She was lovely. Y/N made him feel like a king. But he also worried if he was doing enough. If she wanted more. How he could do that. 

It was a huge change from being alone most nights, to Y/N calling at 10 pm with a pout in her voice that she was cold and lonely. He usually ended up with her in his arms half an hour later. The thing that worried him the most was work. His reputation was still important to him and while Y/N was trying— she was also trying to sneak. Nearly every day this week he had seen her and had her come in to bring him a coffee and pout her lips for a kiss, only getting one after the door was closed.

Today, just like every other day, Y/N brought coffee and breakfast for herself, her father and Harry. Her father was of course on board with her buttering Harry up, happy that his favorite employee was dating his daughter. Of course, Harry didn’t realize Y/N had told him that. 

“Hi baby!” She cooed, walking right over to him with her heels clicking against the floor. “Brought you your favorite... and a little treat because it’s the weekend.” Y/N hummed, looking at him with a bright smile. Harry thought that them being together would threaten his reputation, but to be honest, it was making it even better. Her father was even more inclined to give him the promotion, more inclined to give him a bonus, more responsibility, and more paid time off. All because he was making his little girl happy.

“Hi, my angel.” He said lowly, motioning his head to close the door first. He didn’t love hiding their relationship but he also knew that Y/N was quite loud. And the people on this floor were very nosy. As soon as it was closed, he motioned her over so she could sit with him, but instead she found her seat in his lap. Hm. Well, that wasn’t a complaint, really. She felt good. The way she sat on his thighs and brushed her long nails through his hair... well? He couldn’t complain. “You’re being awfully sweet.” He said suspiciously. “What are you avoiding asking?” He knew the way she was when she wanted something. While she was normally sweet? Y/N got this little look. This little giggle to her words and batting of the lashes to soften whatever blow there would be it he wasn’t happy.

Y/N tried not to take it to heart, him choosing to hide their relationship while at work. She tried to remind herself that this was something he wanted and she needed to respect that, Y/N was working on putting some of his needs first. It was something she read on a relationship blog once. After closing the door and letting herself into his lap, she got comfortable, setting the food on the clear space of his desk and humming a little bit as he leaned into her touch. 

“I’m not...” Y/N mumbled, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Was just... thinking maybe we could go out for lunch today? And then... maybe you and Oliver could come over to mine for dinner?” She knew it wasn’t really much to ask in her mind, but she just wanted to do something for him because he was constantly doing stuff for her. In his eyes, he wasn’t doing much at all, but to her? He was opening up a whole new world she never got to experience. “Cause we’re always hanging out at yours, and I really like it at yours... I just wanted to show you my place and like... hang out and stuff, but we don’t have to!”

“Oh? That’s all?” He was expecting something else. The nerves she had looking a bit, he had expected something much more extreme. Going to her house wouldn’t be an issue. “Lunch, yeah. That’s fine. Just tell me where to go. We can go to yours tonight, pumpkin. I didn’t want to ask to go cause I was letting you keep privacy is that was something you wanted. But I’m happy to come over. Oliver will love to as well.” He knew the kitten loved Y/N possibly more than him. It was crazy. He was incredibly confused at how Y/N had so quickly managed to sneak herself into every bit of his life but she did. He didn’t mind at all, either. That’s the crazy part. “I'd like to see your stuff. I’m curious to see all the things you’ve got.” She said she collected stuff so he was happy to finally be let into that part of her. Plus, he would have a much larger bed. She had said she had a California king. His was a queen so, it would be a welcome change.

She still had that little voice in her heart saying she asked for too much. Her previous boyfriends didn’t like how clingy she was and she tried to wind it back as much as she could. With Harry she just couldn’t seem to hold back though, she constantly wanted his attention and praise as if one day he’d turn on her. She was slowly learning how to properly trust. 

“Really?” Y/N smiled widely at his agreement and leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips. She kept it quick because she knew he would scold her, but she giggled and went to kiss his cheek. “Yay!” She genuinely couldn’t wait to have him over. Y/N has lots of space for Oliver to roam around, she had already bought him a little box and some food. Even bought him some toys to play with in preparation. She was thinking of getting herself a kitten too because she liked Oliver so much. “I’m excited... we’re going to have so much fun! I can’t wait!” Y/N was practically bouncing in her seat. “Eat your breakfast, baby.” She cooed to him, nodding at the breakfast that was laid out on the desk. Y/N, in the meantime, pulled out her phone to make a reservation for lunch at Harry’s favorite fancy place.

He watched as she made a reservation. Her mood was significantly higher today, as yesterday he hadn’t been able to have a sleepover with her because he’d gotten back very late and had to go in early. She felt a bit more clingy today in energy but... honestly? He wasn’t angry about it. It was a good type of clingy. A good type of feeling to him. It was a warm and fuzzy type of thing that had him smiling when he realized she always liked to have a hand on him. It made him feel a bit less bad for telling off a dickhead in the break room who had commented on her tits. He hadn’t told her about that though. He had been professional but displeased and told him if he heard something else like that about a guess that he would go to HR. Or her father directly, more like. It was hard not to punch him in the snotty face. “I did miss you last night.” He murmured. “A lot less warm, even though you’re a blanket hog.”

Y/N set her phone down on his desk and moved to push some pieces of hair away from his face as he ate, she was hoping he wasn’t too busy. Not that her dad would mind if he didn’t get something done on time because of her. She had the upper hand that way, father’s guilt and all.

“Hey!” She pouted, “am not!” Y/N scrunched her nose and let out a little sigh. “Just wanna be closer to you, don’t know how the blanket gets there.” She really did wish she could stay clung to him as they slept. He was so warm and comfortable, but tonight they’d be sleeping on her massive bed so there would be plenty of room for them. She had a big big plan for dinner, she was actually going to cook it herself. She had been practicing and it turns out she wasn’t bad at it at all. 

“What’s your favorite food?” Y/N asked curiously, knowing she had asked him before but she wanted to make sure so she could get the stuff to make it tonight.

“Hm. I like loads of things. Love chicken parm, I like tacos. Egg rolls. I dunno, I don’t know if I have one set favorite. I have categories.” He hummed around his food. “Love ginger lemon scones and strawberries on waffles for breakfast. Also that Nutella shit on French toast.” He felt more comfortable around her to speak freely. “And I have my favorites at fast food places. A loaded question.” Harry really did like his food and loved to eat. It was a lot. He knew that much. 

Y/N took notes, thinking about what she could manage to make for them tonight. Chicken parm seemed simple enough, she could definitely cook them up some of that. Some pasta on the side. It would be perfect. The waffles idea sounded great for breakfast and she could manage that too. She had everything. Y/N felt like she was doing something right for once, trying to be a normal girlfriend for him.

“But—“ he wasn’t interrupted by the door slamming open, Y/N’s hand holding his hair as they startled slightly to see a frazzled woman walk in. 

Oh, for fucks sake. Caroline. The woman looked irritated seeing Y/N sat up on his lap, legs bare as her skirt didn’t cover much when she sat. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Y/N looked over and spotted Caroline, her face immediately falling. There goes her good mood. Y/N wasn’t nice when she didn’t get her way. 

“Who the fuck let you in here?” Y/N snapped, getting up immediately and stepping towards her. Someone was getting fired today, that’s for sure. It had been a few weeks since she and Harry got together, almost a month, and this woman was still at it? Harry stood up and stepped behind Y/N, his arm resting on her waist. He didn’t want a fight to truly break out, as hot as it may be in his mind. Y/N was too important to him to get hurt. He didn’t like it at all. 

“I just walked in! I said I was here to see Harry.” She glared at him. “But I see he’s still busy trying to sleep his way to the top with some used heiress cunt.” 

She just walked in? Oh. Someone was definitely getting fired. 

It was shocking because Harry hadn’t ever seen this type of shit from Caroline. It didn’t really make much sense because Y/N had been with him for a while now. 

“You little—“ Y/N was cut off by Harry voice.

“Caroline... absolutely not appropriate. Y/N is wonderful and I won’t stand you speaking to her or about her like that.” He said darkly, pulling her back into his body.

Y/N felt all warm in her stomach. As sweet as it was, Y/N was still angry and fully intended on handling this all by herself. She placed a hand over Harry’s and thumbed over the skin. 

“You wish someone wanted to use your cunt.” Y/N spat, “get the fuck out of here. It’s pathetic, you couldn’t keep him if you tried....” Y/N’s tone was lethal. “Coming ‘round invited to talk to my boyfriend? About what? What can you offer him that I can’t?” She wasn’t going to let her win this, wouldn’t let her leave unless she was walking out with her tail between her legs.

“He’s going to get bored with you! Get the promotion and use your body until your implants and shit pop! And then he’ll be crawling back to me.” Where Caroline got this type of information or how she thought that didn’t make such sense whatsoever. 

Harry was a bit worried about if Y/N would read into it but she was a scrappy little thing, Harry holding her waist and letting her approach slowly. He didn’t want a physical fight. Y/N nearly raised her hand to slap her but Harry held her back, her jaw clenching. 

“Sweetie, you know full well my shit is real! Give it up!” She was seething, trying to avoid calling her names because she didn’t want to make herself seem like she wasn’t classy. “Think he would want you after me? You’re delusional.” She scoffed before continuing. “Harry was going to get the promotion before he even went to Paris! Hell, probably earlier! He’s fucking incredible at what he does and is more the capable of running this company regardless if he’s balls deep inside my cunt!”

Harry placed a kiss at the back of her head which did calm her down some. It reminded her that he was here for her and that nothing this woman could say would change how he felt. Y/N was still defensive, knowing she wanted him back and knowing Harry did have a history with her. She’d be devastated if he did leave her to get back with Caroline.

“I’m not leaving her, or using her for a promotion. I don’t know what’s going through your head right now but it obviously isn’t what is needed.” He muttered, kissing the back of Y/N’s head again. Hoping to keep her calm. “She’s what I want. We broke up. You’ve heard more than enough.” He raised a brow, bringing up that phone call again where she had heard her fucking Harry. “And what a wonderful cunt it is.” He snickered against her hair, but he knew Caroline could hear it when she growled out angrily. 

“This isn’t fucking over! You’ll come back. You will.” Caroline turned from Harry to Y/N, giving her a glare. “Trust me. He’s boring as it is, but he’s mine. Understand that? Leave it be. Go marry a fucking governor or some shit and leave him to me. I’m not giving up.” She seethed before stomping out of the office.

“What the fuck?” Harry asked, leaning against his desk as he tried to catch up on what the fuck just happened. Y/N was angry. He felt that, so he held her hand and pulled her closer to him, bringing her into a hug. “S’okay. Relax. I don’t know what the duck that was about... but we’ll make sure she doesn’t get back up here.”

“I’m going to kill her.” 

Y/N was angry for multiple reasons. One being she stepped into this office without being allowed to, second, she disrespected her, third, she disrespected Harry, and on top of all that, she said he was hers. Absolutely the fuck not. Y/N wrapped her arms around Harry and rested her head on his chest, hands pressed flat against his back. 

“The fucking nerve... I’ll end her.” She might not physically kill her, but she would definitely ruin her life. If she kept acting up Y/N could make her disappear. “How dare she say that about you?” She asked, lifting her head so she was looking up at him. “How dare she...” Y/N mumbled and cupped his cheeks. “You are not boring at all. And I meant what I said... you’re more than capable of ruining the company now if need be.”

“I know. I know that she’s angry and saying stupid things. Don’t play into her. As sexy as it is to see you angry... it isn’t worth any pain.” He explained. He understood that Caroline had riled her up, but she didn’t mean anything to him. “She means nothing to me. Nothing. Not the dirt on my shoe. How could she when I have the sexiest and most brilliant woman?” He smoothed his hands down her sides, stopping at her hips. “Already all sorts of better. Especially where it all counts.” In bed and in the heart. “Seeing you come to my defense is incredibly sexy, don't get me wrong, baby. I just think it isn’t worth the time getting angry. You’re mine, yeah? M’yours? Nothing else matters besides us.” He wanted to be chill and relax.

Y/N knew she shouldn’t play into it, realistically she knew that, but there was a bunch of insecurity that Y/N felt about the situation. She knew Caroline wasn’t right, but it wasn’t like Y/N wasn’t already trying to be as ‘normal’ as she could whenever she could be. She was scared of pushing Harry too far with all her expensive tastes, knowing that once they got back from Paris they sort of just hung out at his and ate take out and honestly... it was amazing. Y/N was happy doing that if it meant she got Harry. It was the first time in her life where material things didn’t matter as shallow as that sounds. 

Did he ever think about what it would be like if he wasn’t dating her? How could he be so quick to say Caroline meant nothing when he dated her for a while and was so reluctant to give into her? Maybe it was just her insecurities talking. 

“Yeah... you’re right... ‘s not worth it.” She mumbled softly, having zoned out a little bit. Y/N would be okay, they’d be okay. It just wasn’t something Y/N wanted to think about this morning. “I’m going to go sort the security out... put her on a list or something, I’ll let you get back to work.” She spoke gently, giving him a small smile before she left the office.

Y/N had let a bit of her anger out at the security guy downstairs for not following orders. She didn’t fire him, knowing he was a nice man who had a family, but she certainly scolded the fuck out of him and the lady at reception that both knew she wasn’t allowed up here. Y/N hated that she couldn’t exactly say Harry was her boyfriend yet either. Another kick to the stomach when she was already feeling down. 

There was a little tiny voice that crept in then. Was Caroline right? Was there a reason that she came back or felt like she needed to come back? Harry has been so adamant about not telling anyone about them being together but was also weary about getting together in the first place. Y/N knew it was stupid, she shouldn’t think that way, she trusted Harry. She swore she was in love with him. But she was still insecure, felt like maybe he was ashamed of her or something. 

She tried to pick herself up before lunch, not wanting him to think there was anything wrong because it wasn’t at all his fault that she was feeling anxious. She was taught to stay quiet about these things, her previous boyfriends hated when she got this way and refused to listen. She didn’t want him to yell or get upset at her for thinking something so stupid. 

When she noticed he was a few minutes late she got a bit nervous and for a second she let that voice slip through and thought maybe he forgot. It startled her a little when he sat down, noticing the soft smile on his face. A wave of relief hit her at that and she returned the smile after a beat, saying a small ‘hi’ and ‘it’s okay’ 

“Sorry I’m a minute late. A bit of traffic downtown with an accident.” He murmured, settling down. “Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong, babe?” He asked, sewing right through her little smile. “Cause I know you’re upset or thinking about something and I don’t like thinkin’ about you like that. Was worried since you left the office.”

Y/N’s body froze a little when he asked her about what was wrong, knowing full well she wasn’t slick and Harry would see right through it. He always did. She remembered even when they were in Paris he could tell whenever even something small was off about her. 

“I’m okay, I’m just thinking too much...” Y/N didn’t want to have a breakdown in public.

“Yeah?” He reached out and took her hand in his own, squeezing it gently. “If y’want to talk about it we can. Or you can wait and tell me tonight. But you can talk to me.” He didn’t want to push her too hard or too fast because he knew opening up wasn’t an easy feat. But he also wanted her to know that he was there. He wasn’t upset or angry and could see she was upset. “What’s good here?” He loved on because he was going to let her tell him when she was ready. However he wouldn’t let it go. He could give her time but he wanted to know what bothered her. He knew that in relationships, if you didn’t talk shit out it would blow up in your face. Y/N looked saddened when he had taken his hand back so he placed it back on the table so she could hold it. Her smile returned slightly and he felt the warm small hand back in his own as he looked at the menu.

“Can we talk about it later?” She hated how small her voice sounded. Y/N was a sensitive little thing, especially if someone was able to press the right buttons. It was one of her weaknesses, but thankfully she didn’t have many. “They have really good sandwiches... I also really like their poke bowls.” Y/N spoke and decided she would get one of those. It was essentially like eating sushi in a bowl format. She was happy he returned his hand to the table for her to hold, especially because she was feeling a little fragile. She would get better as lunch went on but she just needed to get her mind off of everything. “I told daddy I wasn’t going back to work after lunch, but I’m going to go home and relax a bit... you take your time though, yeah? I gotta go grocery shopping and stuff.” Y/N didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

“Oh, that’s alright. I’ve got some things to finish and I want to get things done. After that I’ll get my things and head over.” He was still concerned about what Y/N was upset over however he knew he only had so much power and he wanted her to trust him and come to him when she was ready. 

Harry ended up with a sandwich and they had a light conversation over lunch about kittens and her place, it was rather nice. Calm. Relaxed. He was happy to be able to do that. All he wanted to do was give her a reason to smile today. He knew that he was often a bit stoic and kept to himself about it but he was hopeful that tonight would be less tense. He kissed her mouth and nose goodbye before leaving, promising her he would be at hers by 7. He wanted to shower first even though it was probably they’d get dirty again, and he needed to get Oliver’s little carrier. He would be excited to see his Y/N.

Y/N had asked her driver to take her to the nearest Whole Foods so she could get the stuff for dinner. She had a list on her phone of stuff she needed to get for the recipe and bought everything she needed. Just in case it turned out crap, she bought a frozen pizza and some ice cream for dessert so that they still had something to eat. Sure it was all still floating around in her head but she was feeling much better now. She knew she just had to talk to Harry about it when he came over and that would clear things up both for him and for her. She would be safe to cry in her own home and he wouldn’t judge her. He never did. 

----

To Y/N’s surprise, the meal turned out pretty good. It smelled amazing and looked delicious, she just needed to keep everything on the heat so that it was warm when Harry got here. She had changed into some comfortable clothes, hoping he would do the same and went to go fill Oliver’s bowl with some food and water.

Harry had changed out of his work clothes and carefully packaged up his bag. It was the weekend so he didn’t have to worry about a suit, but he didn’t know of her plans so he put in a good outfit as well as his normal clothes. Oliver knew something was going on and mewed the whole time, happily getting into his carrier. Harry stopped and got flowers for her on the way, bringing them up to her penthouse. His name was apparently on the list of who to let up and he was buzzed in, given the floor number and sent on his way. This building was fancy as fuck. And big. He was a bit surprised, though he shouldn’t be, turning about and seeing only two doors. Y/N and someone else’s.

Y/N was nervous. She wasn’t sure why, but she was. You’d think inviting your boyfriend to your house wasn’t something you’d be worried about, but Y/N just wanted everything to go well. She didn’t exactly have the best day and hopefully this dinner and a nice chat with him afterwards would make her feel better. Maybe this could alleviate some of her worry. When he arrived at the door Y/N smiled to herself walking over to open it up and instantly feeling a bit of relief. Just knowing he was going to be here for a little while already made her feel better. They were safe and protected. It felt good. 

“Oh— these are for me?” Y/N was surprised, looking at him with the softest and most gentle gaze. He really went out of his way to get her flowers. It meant more than he would know. It wasn’t like he got a florist to make her a bouquet, he personally picked one to bring to her. “Thank you, baby.” Y/N cooed and went in to give him a hug and a kiss, beckoning him inside. “I um... I made dinner.” She said with a blush. Those were words he had never heard before.

“You did?” He was happy. Y/N making him dinner meant way more than anything else would. The fact she had put time and effort into it made his heart all happy and soft. Truly, it was something that had his stomach warm and happy. “That’s so amazing, sweetheart.” He said happily, placing the carrier Oliver was in down so he could open it up. Immediately the kitten mewed and went for Y/N, pawing at her leg until she picked him up. He knew they were both gone for her. 

Y/N nodded her head proudly, letting out a little giggle when he paid her the compliment. It meant so much to her too, to see him appreciate the work and effort she put in. She didn’t do this for anyone. Only him. He was the most important thing in her life and Oliver of course. She giggled when pawed at her leg and picked him up with her free hand that wasn’t holding the flowers. 

“Hi buddy! How are you? My sweet angel?” She asked and kissed his head, “you excited to be at my house? I got lots of stuff for you to check out! Lots of places to explore.” Y/N cooed and led the pair into the kitchen. She set Oliver down for the moment on the floor so she could put the flowers in a vase with water before looking back over at Harry. 

“Your place.. wow.” It was huge. Very big and kind of.. empty. But beautiful. It was modern style and it was nice. Definitely a lot less vintage and honey than he would prefer however, he was happy right now. Just being with her at home. “Smells really good, baby. I’m so hungry.”

“Do you like it?” She asked shyly, wondering how he felt about her place. “I—I know it’s really empty and stuff but, I don’t really know how to make it feel more occupied when I’m the only one here...” Y/N explained, hating how it wasn’t nearly lived in enough. Maybe if he came over more it wouldn’t feel as weird. “It’s chicken parm and penne pasta. It’s almost done! The chicken is done just have to finish tossing the pasta in the sauce and then we can sit down and eat.” Y/N was excited. It tasted good, she made sure she tried it before so that she knew she wasn’t serving shit to her boyfriend.

“Wow... that’s amazing, baby. Made it just for me?” He was ecstatic. She had asked him early to make his favorite? He felt himself melt and brought her into his arms, kissing over her forehead a few times before he moved her out of the way to help get some glasses. “I like it. It’s very roomy and has a ton of potential. I would be a bit lonely with so much space, but I think for multiple people it would be a dream.” If he had a place like this, he would add lots of warm things. Plants and his record player, a comfy rug and couch, art. Stuff to make it at home. “What would you like to drink?” He asked, opening her fridge. She had some juice, sparkling water, wine coolers. It made him laugh a little at the last one. And he saw a pack of beers, she no doubt got for him.

“Just for you... you’re my favorite...” She blushed as she watched him get some glasses. She went to go put the pasta in the sauce and looked over at him, “um... wine? There should be a few bottles in there. You choose..” Y/N was definitely not short of options. Her fridge was massive though, definitely fit for a family but it was just her for now. So she used it for drinks. 

Y/N hoped that maybe one day, the two of them could live here together. Have their own family with kids and kittens and just everything that she ever dreamed of. “I do get a bit lonely, ‘s why I’m always at yours... but you’re welcome to come stay here whenever you want! Both of you, you’re always welcome.” 

It tickled Harry more than it should have when she confirmed he was her favorite. It felt good to know that he was. She was his favorite too. 

“Lonely? You can always come to mine. Or we can come to yours. I always figured you wanted to keep this place private, so I never really bothered you about it.” He explained, but now that he knew? He would be likely to come over often? If that’s what she would like. He chose some white wine which would go well with the chicken, placing the glasses down at the sleek looking dining table. It was then that he leaned against the kitchen island and raised a brow at her. Her little apron was adorable and he wanted to squish her so badly. Also see her in nothing but that. “I gotta say... m’sad.” He sighed. “I didn’t get a proper kiss from you.”

Y/N had finished plating everything, covering the left overs with lids before walking them over to the table. She looked up at him when he said that he was sad, tilting her head to the side with a frown. 

“Oh! I’m sorry baby, I just got really excited and I didn’t want the food to burn!” She pouted and ran over to him to wrap her arms around him again so they could have a proper kiss. She leaned forward and attached their lips, giving him a sweet and solid kiss. Y/N couldn’t quite explain it, but she was putting all her love into this kiss and it wasn’t meant to be intense. It was just meant to show him how much she cared. How much she well... loved him.

Harry was a little shocked by the kiss. There was... something behind it. It felt warm. His hands holding her waist tightened and he hummed happily into it, head leaned down to take her mouth the way she wanted it to be taken. He pulled back with a smile, cupping her cheeks before pecking her mouth a few more times. “There’s my girl. That’s what m’talkin’ about.” He loved those kisses. Was truly starting to fall for her too. “I missed you.” He said again. Last night had felt weird alone. It had only been about 4 total nights he had been alone and they were starting to feel more and more odd. He liked being around her and didn’t want that to stop or end any time soon. Ever.

Y/N smiled back at him and moved to nuzzle her face into his neck for a hug. Sometimes you just needed a hug and his little ‘I missed you’ only made her squeeze him a bit tighter. 

“Missed you too.” She mumbled against his skin and pulled away again to look at him. “Let’s eat, yeah? Don’t want it to get cold.” She herself was surprised at how good the meal was. Maybe she was trying extra hard because she knew Harry was going to eat it, but regardless it turned out great. It redeemed her hope in being the girlfriend Harry deserved. She didn’t just want to be some prissy rich girl, though she could never stop being the prissy rich girl. 

Oliver has found his things which made her happy, he seemed to really like the little cat tree she got for him, as well as the Gucci cat toy. What? Oliver deserves some nice things too.

“You did not get him a fucking gucci cat toy?” Harry scoffed, a laugh erupting from him as he watched the kitty carry it over and plop down next to the table with it. Y/N merely shrugged. “Christ. You’re somethin’ else. You know that?” His smile was enough to prove he wasn’t angry but amused. Y/N was a giver and he knew that but a cat toy? Like that? Probably at the least $100? It was amusing. 

“What?” Y/N shrugged, looking over at Oliver and smiling at how he seemed to like it. “He’s got expensive taste. He’s lucky he’s got a mommy like me, hmm?” She spoke down to Oliver and realized she had taken claim in the cat. She looked up at him with a questioning look, as if to ask if it was okay. Y/N also knew he would bring up what happened earlier after dinner. She wasn’t really ready to talk about it, but she had to let him know what was going on in her mind. Only he could give her the real clarity that she needed anyway

Harry didn’t mind. She basically was his mommy anyways. She cared for him and bought him things, gave her all the loving she could and was sweet to him. What else could a cat want. Plus... he kind of liked that idea. It was a little scary— don’t get him wrong. But, he didn’t want her to go away. Ever. 

The whole dinner was amazing. However, he was still worried about the girl and what had upset her beforehand. He was hoping Caroline hadn't gotten under her skin but he had a feeling that perhaps it was, and that made him annoyed. Not at her— but the fact that she had been so stupid to come to his office after he blocked her number and obviously had moved on? The food had been really good, especially because he knew she didn’t cook much at all. He had done it for him and it meant a lot to him. 

“Thank you. It means a lot that you’d cook for me.” Harry smiled, bringing his plate towards the sink so he could rinse it off.

“You’re very welcome... I’d do just about anything for you, you know?” Y/N spoke sweetly, coming up behind him and kissing his back before allowing him to rinse off her plate as well. Y/N took this time to put all the leftovers into Tupperware, deciding that they could eat it again for lunch tomorrow and then maybe get some take away for dinner. 

When Y/N finished she helped him dry off the clean dishes and put them away, pressing a kiss to his cheek as a thank you before she took his hand and led him upstairs to her bed room. Oliver would follow them if he wanted, she also had stuff for him upstairs. The view from her bedroom was incredible, much like his office, the entirety of the wall was glass and it looked beautifully over the city. The night sky was clear and everything just seemed to be perfect in this moment. Y/N walked over to her closet and set his bag down in there, already having made a little section for him to have if he wanted. She came out dressed in just one of his tee shirts and climbed into bed, letting him take his time with the view.

Harry has caught her crawling into bed, his eyes following her body. God, he adored this woman. So much. She was incredible and sweet and he was feeling all sorts of wound up but he knew he needed to get what was in her mind, out. He stripped down to his briefs, like he always did and crawled into bed next to her. She immediately found purchase curled up against him when he decided to bring it up while he played with her hair. 

“Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” It was a simple request. Really, it was just because he cared, but he needed to establish good communication with her because he was hoping that they could take this long term. He had no plans of leaving and wanted to work on them, fully. Get to know her the best he could and date her until the time was right. Most people would be scared but Harry likes to feel things out. So far, it all felt very good. Once he had given in.

Y/N was tracing over his tattoos when he asked her about earlier. Honestly, she didn’t know how to fully explain to him what was going on, but she owed him an explanation of sorts. He was only asking because he cared and he wanted to know. He wasn’t going to make fun of her or anything. She just had to get past that in her mind. 

“I... I know that what she said wasn’t true, I know that.” Y/N prefaced, “it did strike a chord with me though, because... it was already something I was sort of battling already in my mind... like, the idea that maybe I’m not ‘normal’ enough for you.” Y/N knew how it sounded, but to her it was a genuine concern.  “Afraid that— that since those slimy businessmen that I dated before thought I was too much to handle that you definitely would think I’m too much to handle.” Y/N tried to keep herself as calm as possible but it wasn’t really working. “A—and it’s my biggest fear that  someday you’ll be fed up with me like they were and that you won’t want to deal with me anymore.” Y/N hid her face farther into him, her arm around his waist gripping him tighter as if he was going to get up and leave. “Just... Scary cause I don’t know... what if she was right? What if you do get tired of me? I—I wouldn’t know what to do.” Tears started to escape her eyes. “It’s— it’s why I try so hard to, to try and be more normal and stuff, don’t want to just be your prissy rich girl girlfriend... want you to be proud to call me your girlfriend, don’t want you to be ashamed or want to keep me a secret..”

“Oh... baby, no.” Harry felt a crack in his heart. He hated that she felt that way. While he found understanding that she could feel that way... he knew that she would be thinking all sorts of stuff. “First of all... you’re very different to girls I have dated. But I think that it’s wonderful.” He began to explain, trying to brush tears away. “Baby... fuck, please don’t cry. S’okay. M’not going anywhere.” He tried to soothe for a moment before continuing. “I don’t think that anyone else would be as perfect to date as tou. Not only are you understanding of my work and the environment, but I know you wouldn’t be using me for money.” He joked, letting her nuzzle her face into the palm of his hand. “You are a light. Yeah? A pretty light that keeps me lookin’ up. How could I ever get tired of you? The fact of the matter is, she was projecting. She knew I was tired of her. And the reason for that being— she didn’t communicate with me, she wouldn’t do the things I’d like or take the time to truly know who I was or what I like. And then you....” he raised a brow. “You spoil me rotten even though I don’t ask. I barely have to ask for anything but kisses because you just naturally know.” He explained smoothly. 

“You get anxious and needy a little bit, that isn’t at all a problem with me. In fact, I like that you like being close to me. I’m not at all ashamed of you. At all.” He needed to stress that point. “I keep us out of the office because I don’t need people harassing me or you about it and the promotion. What I was thinking, was  once I’m there? I don’t care. But... if it really really hurts you? I don’t mind... if it’s something that pains you. I can let people know.”

Y/N listened closely, taking in deep shaky breaths. Her bottom lip was still trembly, mostly because the second she got going she couldn’t really stop, but she was trying for him. Y/N swallowed thickly and pressed a soft kiss to the palm of his hand before nuzzling against it. She let out a sad little giggle at his comment, sniffling and nodding along because she didn’t quite trust her voice just yet. Y/N knew he wouldn’t be angry or upset with her, but the reassurance was definitely something she needed a lot of. She had a lot of trauma and she needed that support. The fact that he was even willing to change something that was important to him just for her made her heart swell up, clearing her throat before she spoke. 

“Don’t wanna hide...” Y/N frowned as she looked up at him, “know people aren’t going to like it... but they won’t like it either way.”

“Alright. If that helps you, baby. I didn’t know it hurt you so badly.” He murmured, stroking her hair. He was curious to see how people would react but he cared more about Y/N than he did about anyone else. She was wiggling her way deep into his heart and under his skin. “You’re right. I’ve been holding off for a long while. I think it’s because I’ve been worried how people will perceive the promotion and think I’m climbing the ladder hut... you told me that the promotion was already mine to begin with.” He had trust in her and didn’t think she was making it up. “I’ll let you show me off then.” Harry figured, fuck it all. “But I wanted to let you know that, I don’t plan on ever leaving or getting bored. Okay? Trust me. It’s alright. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t want to.” Y/N didn’t know just how much Harry genuinely liked her. “I wanted to for a long time. Even before I gave in, obviously. But I’m happy that now, we can keep it going.” He wanted her to continue loving on him. Maybe now he wouldn’t have to close the office door if she came in. 

“Next time please tell me if you feel that way. Don’t sit on it and make yourself feel awful all day.” He muttered. “I don’t like that.” It was nice to have him just calmly talk to her about things and understand where she was coming from. These days, she never thought she would find someone that ticked all of her boxes the way he did. He didn’t care that she was a lot of work, he wanted to work on things with her. He was willing to try for her. 

“You... he hired you already knowing you’d be the one to take over, he just... he wanted to make sure I liked you.” Y/N explained with a sniffle, “cause I’m gonna have to be involved.” She didn’t want to drop it on him that her father wanted them to get married but he was a smart man, he would figure that out on his own. She was happy that he wanted her to show him off, glad that she wouldn’t have to close the door or wait for kisses or hugs. Wouldn’t have to explain why she was defending him so hard whenever someone chatted shit about him. “I’m sorry, I’m just used to doing stuff this way. No one ever wanted to listen, I just had to get over it on my own... I appreciate you more than you even know..”

“I’m sorry that you had to deal with dickheads who wouldn’t listen to you. That’s what’s truly fucked up. I don’t understand why they’d have a woman like you and still manage to be a dick.” He huffed, rolling his eyes. Y/N deserves better. He was better. So they both won. “There’s gonna be none of that shit with me, babe. Alright? If you’re upset, you tell me. Angry? Tell me. We can progress if we don’t talk about what bothers us and what doesn’t.” He murmured, rubbing her cheek before he kissed the wet spots where her tears were. He wanted to take them all away. “We’ve got this. I think the both of us are going to be fine. It’ll be a bit of an adjustment for you, but I think one of my most important things is to be truthful.” He didn’t like the idea of anything but. Lying wasn’t something he would tolerate.

Y/N closed her eyes as he leaned forward to kiss her cheeks, humming a little in his hold. She cared about him so damn much and he treated her so well. Y/N wasn’t sure what she did to be so lucky but she was going to try her hardest to keep him for as long as she could. Forever. They would make it, they would keep the communication open and be truthful. They would talk it out and work on things. Y/N was positive that she wouldn’t be able to find anyone better than him, not that she wanted to find anyone else. She swore she... 

“I love you..” She mumbled softly, opening her eyes again to look up at him. Y/N was nervous, but she meant it. She meant to tell him that and wouldn’t take it back. Even if he didn’t feel the same right now, she definitely was falling for him at a hard and fast pace.

Harry froze for a moment, tilting his head as he looked at her. It was a surprise, for sure. But he trained his face, thumbing over her cheek one as he took her in. 

“Yeah?” He smiled, obviously not a bit upset at the confession. He had to think over his feelings a bit later. Because he was nervous if he admitted it so soon, and he didn’t mean it. He felt like he was getting there. Falling for sure. But not at the point he could say it. He leaned forward and kissed her, soft and sweet as appreciation. “M’fallin.” He could return the words back but she wasn’t alone in the feelings. He felt a lot for her and wanted to make sure she knew that it was getting there and there was nothing to be embarrassed of.

“Yeah.” She smiled back, biting her lip for a moment before he leaned in and kissed her. It was a nice feeling, warm and comforting. Y/N knew what she was feeling, but wasn’t exactly ready to say it back. That was fine, she just needed to get it off her chest because she really did love him. She’d never cared for someone like she cared for him and Oliver. She felt like they were her own little family, little paradise where anything could happen. Hearing him say he was falling just made everything feel better. Whenever he was ready, he could tell her felt the same. For now, they’d just continue on with their night. 

“I feel better now...” Y/N mumbled as she pulled away from the kiss gently, “thank you, angel...” She hummed and returned her lips to his, finding a comfortable position for the two of them to just lay there and love up on each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

[part 5]

A/N: please let us know if you’d like to see more from them! - n + d

masterlist

[m318x2]

i have little to no proof of this but i think this former friend that i stopped talking to like a year and a half ago (bc the bitch ghosted me and didnt show up when we had plans and didnt even call to cancel one too many fucking times and i got sick of it) is on hard drugs of some kind.

like shes lost a lot of weight, which doesnt really mean anything because when we stopped talking she was already trying to lose weight (i know she used to be bulimic like years ago but to my knowledge she wasnt purging again or starving, im 90% sure she was being healthy about it, she was just like going for walks and eating less junk food is all) and its been long enough that the amount of weight shes lost now seems like about what youd expect from a year and a half of progress, it wasnt super fast and shes definitely not like underweight so im not worried. but now she's just posting a lot of selfies and i honestly cant tell if its just acne because that literally could be all it is. but it also looks like it could be skin picking or like sores of some kind on her face. theyre really spread out and theyre all like scabbed which makes me think theyre those sores you see on peoples mugshots after they get arrested for crack or smthn.

idfk man but one time like two years ago she deadass was like "i kinda wanna try heroin" and i was like "bitch no its way too hard to quit that shit and so easy to overdose on, dont do it" and at the time i dont think she knew anyone that could sell her heroin but after we stopped talking she started dating this guy who was into psychedelics, and idk if he maybe knew someone that couldve gotten her into harder shit. idk. theyre broken up now and shes just lookin really pale and kinda dazed out :/

but like she has arthritis and is on immunosuppressants, its literally just a weaker version of the chemo they give to cancer patients so literally everything ive just listed could be the arthritis meds.

idfk man. like im not gonna ask her about it because i honestly dont think shes changed and i dont wanna talk to her again and also i know she'd think i was being judgy if i even brought it up because like thats a HEAVY accusation to put on someone you dont even talk to anymore, and like i said this isnt much to go on and she literally is probably fine :/

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid 193

193 When Lance fell asleep, their roles had reversed. Keith calling Shiro to check in, after overhearing how they hadn’t really talked to anyone. The conversation with his brother wasn’t that long due to him not wanting to leave Lance. Knowing Krolia, whatever advice she’d given him was probably shit, though, as Lance had said, his mother was probably the closest person he could turn to advice for this. Coran may have had a pretty interesting past, but as far as Keith knew, he’d never been on the end of being pregnant. Pidge... wasn’t exactly maternal, and Allura... was Allura. She’d make a good mother... in her own way. Maybe this trip would have been better if they’d invited the others? Not so much Rieva and Matt, but Pidge and Hunk. “Keith?”Hearing Lance call his name, he forced himself out the bathroom. It was now closer to dusk than to dawn. Lance had needed time to cry out his frustrations“Hey, beautiful. How are you feeling?”“Better... thirsty... and sorry”Sorry because they hadn’t been to see his dad yet... Keith was slightly annoyed by that fact, but not mad. Lance hadn’t asked for his ego to start being a pain in the arse, and with all the stress he’d been putting himself under, he really needed the rest“Do you want some blood?”“We didn’t do my injection”Fuck. He hadn’t thought of that“Do you want to go the bathroom, and I’ll get it organised?”“Okay” It felt like nothing now to draw a bit of blood for Lance’s injections. The fear of the curse had lessened. Lance would have never tried to feed off Matt or Rieva, even in a desperate situation. But whether it be luck, or Lance’s own curse, it seemed to kill the werewolf curse before it could turn their twins. Maybe Lance had a point about some of their more careless activities? They shouldn’t be able to stand being in the same room, they both shared moments with their egos that really hurt, but he hadn’t been thinking of his own safety since turning. Just the safety of everyone they called family. Coming back from the bathroom, Lance sat beside him on their bed. Resting his against Keith’s shoulder, he sighed softly “Okay... inject away”The injection always only took a moment. In, inject, out, then Lance would rub at the healing mark. His boyfriend sighing again, overthinking things“You needed to let it out”“I know. I feel like I’ve brought the whole mood down and I hate it. You must be starving”Yep. He was. His metabolism was something crazy. The amount of food he consumed was frankly scary“I’m okay. Here, have some blood and we can think about getting something to eat”“I thought I had this planned. You know? We’d have breakfast, than go see your dad. Clean his grave up. Talk to him... A mental breakdown wasn’t scheduled”“Are they ever? Did mum help?”“She’s no Mami when it comes to advice. She said to chuck my fear out the window”Keith snorted“Right. Because it’s totally that easy. Was she okay?” They didn’t know if she was coming or not. Not with her work schedule. Keith kind of hoped she would, yet she’d made indications of it. Like, would he even recognise his father’s grave? And what did he say? “Yeah. She was her usual self. I called her for advice, but I know she was disappointed it wasn’t you”“Nah. She loves you. I think she even likes you better than me”“She’s your mum. She loves you. She’s pretty worried how this is affecting you. I could tell”“I’m okay... kind of. I’m getting there. Umm... Nothing time with my beautiful boyfriend won’t fix” Lance groaned at him“Babe, you don’t have to try so hard. It’s okay. I’m hardly beautiful... I’m like... the very definition of a wreck right now”“You’ll be okay. Here, wrist or um... neck?”“Wrist... sorry... it’s just easier in this position”“Don’t be sorry. I’m not sorry”He’d noticed something. Lance only liked to feed on his neck when they were making out or in the heat of things. His fingers when Lance was trying to be quite mid do“I am. I love you so much. So so much. I neglected your safety... and you’re still being... so good to me”“Idiot. I love you. Your hunger won’t last forever. I should have gotten some blood into while you slept... it’s bad to let your... um... levels drop”“I’ll be okay. They’re still okay... I think one of them tried to break my rib when I was in the bathroom” Keith loved hearing the twins were moving. Even when it was uncomfortable for Lance, he felt like he was hearing cute stories he wouldn’t be able to forget. He didn’t think he had the patience to be pregnant... which only made him prouder of strength Lance showed“They take after you. All silent and deadly”“Babe, I’m not a fart”Keith hadn’t thought of that, chuckling as he shook his head“I know. You smell awful in a good way. Not like my lactose farts”“Eh. They’re part of you. A couple of wads of tissue up my nose and you’d never tell”“I’ll remember that for next time. Here, eat something. Don’t be afraid if you need a little more” That was something else Keith noticed. Lance took care with the amount of blood he took from him, but the volume seemed like it would be a lot for a human. Very rarely he felt light headed, questioning if he’d be conscious if he was still human. He’d never tell Lance. He’d freak out immediately, plus fluids and a good meal had him back in shape in no time. Lance moaned as he bit into Keith’s wrist, reminding him he’d have to make more of an effort. Maybe it’d be for the best if he ran an IV line for Lance tonight, just to get his hunger knocked on the head completely. Pulling off, Lance lapped at the trails of bloodied spit left on Keith’s arm. The wounds starting to heal instantly“Better?”Catching a few small beads pushed out by the healing wound, Lance hummed “Mmm... I know this isn’t comfortable for you”It shouldn’t have been hot, but it was. It stroked his pride to provide for their boyfriend the one thing he needed above all else“I’m fine, babe. As long as you’ve had enough”“Yeah... I’m good. I’m still sorry. I think I’ve been taking more and more of late”“Nah, it’s fine. But I was thinking we should probably set you up with an IV later, seeing how little you ate today. You need to keep your fluids up”“But keeping my fluids out means I have to pee”Whining at him, Lance was too cute“I love you and your walnut sized bladder anyway”“I think it’s more like a grape at this stage. I’m sorry my ego chuckled a wobbly... and that we spent most of today in bed”“There’s nothing more that I love, than spending the day in bed with you”“Pervert. I’m serious though. I don’t want to be scared like that. I want to see where you grew up. I want to know everything about you. All of it”“You might not like all of it”“I don’t know. I think we both know that I’m like crazy stupid in love with you and all those little things that drive me crazy only make me love you more” Keith groaned softly. He’d become weak to Lance. Last real story he had left to share with his boyfriend was the night Shiro saved his arse. Lance knew most of it. Keith couldn’t remember what he’d told him, nor was he sure why he’d never told him all of it. Being on the streets had taken a toll, and the thought of a warm bed and decent shower left him going with people he already knew were no good for him. They’d offered him a good time when he’d been so completely done with fighting to be alive“Alright. How about we go get dinner and figure things out from there”“Mmmm... sounds good to me. Let me change, then we’ll go”“I probably need to freshen up too”“I hate to say it but we both kind of stink” From sweat. Under the blankets left them both sweating in their sleeps. Lance smelt deader than ever, with Keith not far off. Personally he didn’t mind stinking of Lance, but Lance felt like he needed to do more to protect Keith with things like being careful with his scent“Want to take first shower while I look for somewhere good to eat?”“Sounds like a plan... I... don’t know if I’ll freak out again”“It’s okay. If you do, we can totally go. I know we’re here to see my dad, but your safety and comfort comes first. I don’t want you to think you have to hide things from me”“I know. I won’t take too long”“Don’t go rushing. The last thing we need is for you to slip. That sounded harsher than what I meant”Lance shook his head at him“It’s okay, we both know I’m a klutz. I’ll be careful. We’ve come this far. I’m not about to risk them”“I’m worried about you, too. I don’t want you being hurt”“I’ll be fine... Let me freshen up, then you can take me out for dinner” Lance kissed Keith’s wrist where he’d fed. Keith couldn’t believe the passage of time since meeting Lance had moved so fast. It must have been a year now, or very close to a year. This time last year, he’d have thought himself turned and cursed with a single bite. The Blades really did teach some total bullshit when he stopped to consider all of things he hadn’t thought of before. He’d been such a dumb arse. Luckily he had Lance to set him straight... or not so straight... though he wasn’t sure what he was as it was Lance he loved and not only his physical body. Realising how easily he could fall into an internal debate over all of that, he gave a shake of his head. Lance said he’d let him take him to dinner, so that’s what he was going to do. *Holding Keith’s hand, the freshness of the night felt nice against Lance’s skin. Keith either hadn’t bothered looking up somewhere else to eat, or he’d been trying to please Lance, resulting in dinner at the same restaurant they’d had breakfast at. This time Lance figured out what was wrong with the place. As they’d finished dinner, the waitress had come to collect to their plates, on her arm balanced by the nozzle was a bottle of orange scented surface spray. Being a public restaurant, smells of all sorts bombarded his senses from the moment they walked. With so many scents, he hadn’t consciously noticed the orange surface spray. The fact that Sendak still held such a hold over him left Lance unable to enjoy his meal. The atmosphere of the restaurant was good, Pidge would have loved the idea of sneakily signing them up for the weekend Karaoke competition, then abusing everyone heckling her over bad singing... He missed those days. He missed not being pregnant and not fearing his scent. Heck, he missed ghost hunting. He missed watching Pidge get super enthused as Hunk prayed for it all to be over. The restaurant was the kind of place he could see himself having a few quite drinks had the place been in Garrison. The kind of place that Sal’s had been to them before he’d had to hideaway his changing body. The Lord knew he was looking forward the day they could all go out again. He was going to order the biggest, greasiest, slimiest, cheesiest pizza in existence. Maybe even have Sal get some cigarette ash in there for that true diner flavour... “Want to take a walk?”No. Maybe... He wanted to go home to bed... but he’d spent the day in the hotel room. Staring past Keith, the stars twinkled over the town as if trying to say that nothing bad could ever happen here, which was a bold faced lie if ever there was one. Keith drew strength from the moon, and both of them had eye sight sharp enough to walk around in the dark safely enough... plus... it’d give them time to get the layout of the town down... His boyfriend seemed to be oblivious to internal wavering, Lance wondering if this was his way of easing into things he either wanted to tell, or easing into seeing his father... or even a chance to cover his arse when Shiro asked how much of the town they’d gone out and seen“Sure. There’s a park a few blocks down. I saw it on the town map”“You saw a town map?”“Did you really not look this place up at all? They have a similar lay out to Garrison, which makes sense in a way... they were both trade posts at some time, though I’ve got not idea what they could have pulled out of all the sand”��I didn’t even know that much. It’s like... all I remember is the shack... all of it feels like being on another planet”Lance slid his hand into Keith’s “It’s a good thing I’m here to keep you grounded. Don’t even think about packing your bags for another planet. You’re not leaving me behind”“I’m sure that if I ever got spirited away into space, you’d be right there with me”“Yep. Probably screaming my head off the whole time too”“I think I would be too. Let’s go, I’ll follow your lead”“Don’t you always?” Keith kissed his cheek. Lance blushing lightly as his boyfriend replied “yep”, followed by two more kisses on his cheek. Lance would follow Keith to the ends of the Earth, with Keith just as happy to follow him instead. Unless one of them made the decision, they’d be following each other around in circles for the rest of their lives... That didn’t actually sound too bad... Walking down to the park, the town had a nice vibe to it. Lance felt bad for whoever was in charge of cleaning the park’s rubbish bin after his dinner decided to make a reappearance before they’d reached the toilets towards the middle of the park. Cleaning up, and using the facilities, the pair of them settled themselves down on the swings. It’d been months since he’d been on a swing set, in Cuba, yet it had to be longer for Keith. Dragging his feet in the sand to make a heart, he supposed they looked like a couple of kids up to no good. He’d seen enough memes that he knew adults missed swing sets, and he knew he definitely counted in their ranks. Pushing off lightly, the chain creaked under his weight. A memory of Veronica coming to mind from back when having a baby brother that was a vampire was something cool. He’d wanted to go higher and higher, the pegs of the swing set shaking, so Luis and Marco held it down as he swung as high as he could get. He’d been sure if he’d gotten a little higher he could have looped the chain around the top, but Papi had lost it at the four of them“You seem happy”“Mmm. I like swings”Letting the swing slow naturally, Lance grinned at his boyfriend mischievously. They had the whole playground to themselves “What about you? What’s your favourite piece of playground equipment?” Keith hummed. He’d been making a mound between his shoes, trying to keep the sand from slipping back down “I hate the monkey bars”“Oh? What’d they ever do to you?”“A shit kid at one of the families threw a rock at me because I could pull myself up to sit on top of them. It hit me in the head and I fell off backwards”“Wow. That kid sounds like a wanker”Keith nodded, expression semi serious “They were. I got in trouble for falling off”“That’s kind of what kids do though. They play and climb... it’s what kids are supposed to do”Keith sighed, before shaking his head“It doesn’t matter now. I can’t even remember their face, let alone why they through the rock”“They were probably jealous because you’re so much cooler than them. I bet you were a totally rad kid. I wish I’d known you then” Lance didn’t think about what he’d said. He felt like kicking himself as Keith mumbled “Right. The fucked up orphan no body wanted was a “rad kid””“Hey. No. No. That is not on you. Not at all. Adults are supposed to be there and be the strong ones. Not kids. I sincerely wish I could lord over every single person who hurt you, how fucking amazing you are”Keith gave a scoff of disbelief. Lance saddened that his boyfriend’s anxiety had gotten to him this badly. Climbing off his swing, the vampire wrinkled his nose at the sand pouring into his shoes as he moved to stand behind Keith“What are you doing?”“I’m going to push you?” Wasn’t that obvious? He’d waddled his pregnant arse all the way behind Keith. The only logical conclusion was he was going to push him on the swing“You don’t have to”“Maybe I want to? Maybe I want to play in the park because there’s no one else around. No bad scents. No blood. No spirits. No yucky feelings other than the sand under my socks...”“It is a nice park”“Right? Now, hold on” Pushing Keith on the swing, Keith gradually loosened up, even starting to laugh as Lance backed off and watched“You can do it, babe!”“I’m totally going to jump off, you know that, right?”“It’s like an unwritten law of swinging, seeing how far you can jump”“I think I have an advantage...”“Doesn’t matter. I’m totally challenging you to a swing off once these two are born”“That’s not fair, you’ve got wings”Lance huffed. They had a mind of their own, much like the rest of his body “Which are mostly useless. I can’t even fly around as a bat”“That’s fine. Ready?”“Go for it!” Keith jumped a little too soon, half faceplanting in the sand. With the way he landed, Lance rushed to his side to find his boyfriend laughing“Are you okay?”“I fucked that up”Kicking Keith lightly in the side with the toe of his shoe, his boyfriend rolled over, smiling like an idiot. Lance’s heart had stopped with the way Keith landed, now the idiot was smiling so happy he felt all warm inside “You had me worried!”“I guess I’m not that great at sticking the landing”“You weren’t that great at jumping. You went before the swing was at the right height!”“You make it sound like you’re training me for the Olympics” Channeling the best sports commentator voice he could, Lance’s voice wobbled slightly as he tried not to laugh at how funny he was“You don’t get at a ten-point-zero for your landing. Zero style. Very simplistic. Could this spell the end for Keith Kogane’s budding career before he even goes professional?”Keith laughed. A proper unguarded laugh. Lance feeling the luckiest man in the world to hear it “I’m being serious!”“Uh huh. Sure you are. You know, the stars are really pretty. I feel like I can see them way better than before”“That’s because all your senses increased. Werewolves and vampires are kind of night creatures”“I still don’t know how to turn into a wolf. I don’t know if it counts”“It totally does... Now, are you getting up? Or should I pick you up in the morning?”Keith patted the sand next to him“You could come down here”“Or you could come up here... I’m too pregnant to deal with sand”“Fair point. We have the whole park to ourselves... I don’t think I’ve ever really... just... you know...” That Keith hadn’t played on a playground saddened Lance. Even as an adult, playgrounds were still fun. With no one around to watch them, there was no point being responsible adults“You know, there’s a slide over there... and a flying fox...”“Babe...”Keith tried to dismiss the idea, Lance using “boyfriend” which proved very effective. Damn Pidge. She’d gone and put that back into his head at her birthday party“Come on, it’ll be fun. I mean, I probably can’t use the spinner, not unless you want to scramble the twins, but the slide never gets old”“Fine, but if we get in trouble, you’re taking the blame”Lance shrugged. They weren’t violating any laws that he knew of. They weren’t intoxicated. Nor were they committing property damage or trespassing“The lawyer in me tells me it’s going to be okay”“I’ll remember that when I get my one phone-call”“You better. Though it would be a conflict of interest to represent you, so let’s not get in trouble?” The did indeed get into trouble. Keith got wedged in the kids slide, and Lance was too tall for the flying fox, so that was disappointing. They were still messing around when the lights of a cruiser flashed red and blue, the two of them called over by a police officer who looked unable to catch them, even if they had been human. Swallowing down his fear, Lance took Keith by the hand, walking him over to the officer when Keith kept telling him they should run. Getting closer, the man clearly didn’t expect two fully grown adults to be playing in the park so late at night. “Officer, how are you tonight?”Putting on an air of responsibility, Lance felt he’d be the more convincing adult of the pair of them“I had a call about teenagers mucking around in the park. Want to tell me about it?”Keith snorted with laughter, Lance stepping on his foot to shut him up“That was us, sir. I’m sorry if we created a disturbance. We’re on holiday, you know, before the twins come, and wanted to have a little fun. I had no idea we we’re causing a disturbance” Keith tried to muffle his laughter, Lance mentally rolling his eyes at his boyfriend who was clearly upsetting the police officer. Huffily, the man asked“So I’m not going to find any of that junky paraphernalia you young people are into these days?”“No, sir. I know we might look young, but I’m 46 and my boyfriend here is 28. No drugs, or alcohol, sir”The man looked them up and down, Lance waited for something along the lines of “I wouldn’t lie to a police officer, if I was you”. Instead the man sighed“Look. You can’t be playing in the park at midnight. You’re obviously not locals. You staying at the hotel?”“Yes, sir. My boyfriend is a photographer, we’re travelling to work on his portfolio. Sorry. We wanted to have a little fun with no one around”“I’ll have you save that sort of fun for a more appropriate environment. Get in the back, I’ll give you both a ride back”Lance immediately shook his head“We’re both able to walk back...”“That wasn’t an invitation. We get a lot of blow ins for this damn Easter festival the town insists on having. The last thing I need is the pair of you thinking your entitled to cause trouble. Get in” Lance felt like a scolded school child as he did as he was told, Keith sliding in beside him, though his boyfriend still thought they should run. Clipping their belts in obediently, Lance bit his bottom lip. Maybe they’d gotten carried away? He didn’t think they were being too loud. All they’d been doing was acting like idiots. They hadn’t damaged any property... plus Keith had gotten on the spinner, which had been hilarious given how much strength he could put into a spin. His boyfriend had gotten off with shaky legs, tripped, fell in the grass and burst out laughing. Lance knew he should stay quiet, but this was a golden chance“Excuse me, have you been an officer here very long?”The man met his eyes before pulling away from the park curb“Long enough” Damn. He wasn’t giving him anything“Do you happen to know anything about the fire that took place here about 20 years ago?”Keith’s heart started racing harder. Yeah. He should have been considerate about Keith’s feelings, but this was like the perfect chance“Oh, I know about that fire alright. One dead. 250,000 dollars worth of damages. I don’t know why you’re bringing that up, but you’re best dropping it. A lot of people were hurt by that incident. Damn candle left unattended. The place went up faster than a whore’s knickers drop”“If one wanted to know about the fire, is there a local registrar office?” The office pressed the breaks suddenly, instead of gently stopping at the stop sign“Look. I’m sure you’re nice... whatever you are. But what happened that day is no laughing matter. We lost one of our own that day. It’s an ugly scar on the history of this town and I won’t have the pair of you treating it like a joke”Whelp. He’d gone and made him angry“I mean absolutely no disrespect. It’s such a horrible thing to have happened. When you saw you lost one of your own, I assume you mean an officer?” Resuming driving, the man sighed at him as if he was stupid, their eyes meeting again in the rear view mirror “No. Not an officer. One of our local fire fighters. They tried to stop the blazing jumping house, when the second floor came down. Horrible tragedy. We lost a fine man that day”“Did you know him?”“Aye, we all did. Bit of a loner. Kept to himself, especially after his missus skipped town. Heeee... had a boy from memory. Hard worker though. That boy... he was tiny thing of a kid. Still, he gave everything he could to that boy. He ended up vanishing, just like his mother. Couldn’t tell ya where she went. Up and vanished as suddenly as she appeared here. No idea how the pair of them met, and before we knew it, she was up the duff, then gone a couple of years later. Couldn’t handle the stresses of being a parent, if you ask me anything about it”“And all of this is public record?”“Bits and pieces. Look. I won’t tell you again, losing Joe hurt a lot of people here. He was a good man. Kind of man you never really knew what was thinking. But when he saw his boy, he’d light up like a goddamn Christmas tree. Loved that kid, he did. He was real torn up when his woman shot through, but never blamed his boy. We often used to wonder what happened to that kid, ah, but I suppose it’s one of those things you’d never know” The officer was letting his accent show. Keith seemed on the edge of tears“Say we didn’t want to drop it, is there anyone from around there that we can talk to about it”The man fixed him with a glare“People move on. Dredging that up again is only going to cause pain. If I hear you two are stirring up trouble because your curious over something that is none of your business, I will escort you out of town meself” That mean there were indeed people out there who’d been around at the time of the fire and may remember Keith, and his father... and that the council office should have record that’d help them place the pieces of that day together. The last few minutes of the drive was in silence. The officer having to squidge himself out the door in order to open the back door of the cruiser to let them out. The man really didn’t know what to make of Lance, he got it. He looked like a woman and sounded like a man. Some people were so damn backwards that they couldn’t accept change. Lance still opting to be polite, on the off chance they crossed paths again “Thank you for the ride. We’re sorry we caused you trouble”“Don’t let it happen again. There’s laws about these kinds of things. Consider yourselves both lucky and warned”“Yes, sir. Thank you” As the police cruiser left, Keith collapsed against him, sniffling as tears rolled down his face. His boyfriend wrapping his arms around him with a little too much force“Babe?”“He... loved me”With his arms pinned, Lance could only raise his hand enough to pat Keith’s arm “Yeah, babe. He did. I’m sorry I didn’t ask if it was okay to ask, but the opportunity to know something more was right in front of us”“He... he still went back in... he...”“He loved you. He loved you, and I know I’m not him. I could never know what he was thinking, but I think all he wanted to do was stop the fire before more people were hurt”“He left me”“Not by choice. You heard that guy. He loved you. He adored you. And he was so proud to be your dad. You... you were loved. You are loved”“Can we go back to the room?”Lance’s heart was breaking for his boyfriend. Sure, they’d learned a little and tomorrow Lance wanted to hit up the council to dig up whatever he could on Keith’s father’s past, but right now...“I was thinking the same thing. I want to hold you”“Please?”“Always, babe. Always and forever” ReplyForward

[nitannichionne]

LUNA IV Chapter 5: Roles  (Henry Cavill Syverson Fan Fic)

Chapter 5

“We need to talk.”

You shake your head as you work on the garden. He gave it to you as a project to do. You liked it instantly because it was something you did for fun before your life changed. There were certain things your father liked to do with you at home when he wasn’t on a mission, and this was one of them. You like the feel of earth in your hands, and how you could pound it and shift it, and make something grow from it. You had great talks in the garden while planting it, watering it, and finally walking it or harvesting it. It was becoming your little world away from the one you got dropped in.

You must stay away from him, no matter how much you want him, you tell yourself everyday while you’re there. The plan is to get away from him, not curl into his arms, not to succumb to his kisses, even if he is compassionate, even if he feels good, even if his voice lulls you in the night when you wake up. It had happened again last night, and you fight the memory:

You awaken with a cry, shaking with tears streaming down your face. The dream-the flashback-had happened again:

Marette was coming at you in your own home, telling you that you were his. You tell him you’re not. He tells you it’s the law. You tell him fuck the law, and your father left you your fortune. He laughs and comes at you, telling you that he is going teach you a lesson that you father didn’t. The fight ensues, and he underestimates your abilities, all your father taught you. The room becomes a war zone, and everything is a weapon as far as you’re concerned. You throw things at him to keep him at bay, and he laughs. He lunges for you and you get out of the way. You pick up a chair and he grabs the other end, but your struggle gets you closer the weapons cabinet. He wrenches it away from you and takes your body to the floor. You feel your clothes rip and you clap his ears. You back away, scrambling for the cabinet. He catches your leg, and you fight, but he’s strong, pulling you to him. You feel him on your back and he squeezes your breast so hard you scream in pain. You roll him over and head butt him, using the moment his grip on you loosens to roll and scramble to your feet. You dive over the couch, away from the weapons cabinet to your father’s desk. You jump over it, and open the drawer. He always had a weapon there. You grab it just as you feel Marette’s body take you to the ground again. You struggle as he tries to disarm you, your fingers fumbling between you for the gun. BANG!

His body is heavy on yours. You push him off, see his expressionless face. You back away from him as if he may spring back to life any moment. You bump into the wall and one of your father’s military jackets fall over you. Your life is over and you know it. You curl yourself in it, still holding the gun, and cry.

In the darkness you awaken from the memory, weeping and trembling. Then you feel a warm embrace, you feel a hand at your back rubbing you. You curl into these arms, and then freeze, realizing this could be no one you know. You look up and see Syverson’s face.

Your mind’s eye closes and you see Syverson standing over you with that same look on his face.

“What?”

“Whatever happened to you, I’m sorry,” Sy ground out. “I feel as if there is so much more to your story—”

Your eyes fly to his. “There is more to everyone’s story, here.”

“There is?”

“Yes, like Gabrielle,” you say her name. “She’s here because she stole food, because she was hungry.”

“I got that feeling when I saw her,” Sy says softly. “I swear to you she is in gentle hands.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” you hiss angrily, and go back to turning the soil with your hands.

“Have I done something to you?”

You say nothing, because he has done nothing. A pattern had been established. You have been trying not to enjoy Sy’s smiles and comments about your cooking and cleaning, which usually surpassed his expectations. And in return--

His fingers and mouth brought you great relief and ecstasy. He knew you intimately, but you hadn't felt his hot hardness inside you since your first night. He comforted you when you had the nightmares, but sometimes you found herself wanting more. He would stroke your limbs every night, and you got used to it, even had trouble sleeping when he had to go if a crime occurred. You were on edge, starving for him, and he knew it, despite the cuffs he had attached to the bed that he adjusted to your size. After that, you’d been keeping conversation to a minimum and even that was killing you. His eyes silently asked you to talk, and so you stopped looking. But your body was a traitor. This morning you awakened with your arm and leg draped over him his muscular frame, your head over his heart. You even sniffed his neck as you awakened. He looked down at you and you got out of bed as fast as you could.

“Why aren’t you at work?” you ask, still tilling the soil.

“I’m working from home today.”

You sigh. So much for time to strengthen your reserve. “I could start lunch early.” You rise and assume an at ease position, deciding that he was not going to let her garden.

His eyes travel you. "I would like to take you to town today," he says quickly. "You should go every week for supplies." He watched you nod in understanding.

You avert your eyes, visibly bracing. "May I finish here?"

"You may not have enough time, it is best to go before the sun is too high." he nods, watching your eyes lower. "I will help you."

Alarms go off within you. "You don't have to—"

"Tend my own garden?" he smiles. "I haven't had time to do it, but I assure you, I know how. We can finish quickly, and still get to town before the sun is high." He is outwardly calm, but you sense tension and don’t know why. You both kneel side by side and get to work, loosening the soil and planting more seeds. "You know a great deal about running a household."

"Yes."

He takes a breath. "I am at a loss. I know why are you are here, but I don't know...why you are here."

You take a deep breath and exhale, "I don't belong here."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

You stab a hole it the shifted earth. "I killed a man—" you make eye contact with him. "In self defense."

"Go on."

"My father was very wealthy, very affluent," you decide to go back to work while you talk. "I was to be married in a year, and had just met my fiancée."

"An arranged marriage."

"He was a nice man," You defend. "I knew no one as kind as Kieran, except my father."

"Kieran?" Sy repeats, frowning. "Kieran Feloni?"

You nod.

His eyes widen with recognition. "Then that would make you—"

"Daughter of General Andari."

He stopped working. "Your father was one of the most admired and decorated warriors in the Luna System." His whole demeanor shows great respect. “I was saddened about his loss, I truly was. Good man.”

"Thank you," you nod, feeling his sincerity. "Don't know much about me, do you?"

"No, not really," he shook his head, feeling guilty. "Your stories were in the society section, I don't read that."

You nod in understanding. "Yes, that is how they did it." You tensed, still concentrating on the work before you. "They took everything."

"Who?"

"Luna III," you nod. "Women can't have anything, remember?"

"They only ask you have a guardian—"

"I don't need one!" your anger flares, eyes sparking at his. "My father raised me to take care of myself. I was fine!"

"I heard that he died in a—"

"They died," Your voice wavers, and you go back to concentrating on the planting. You realize you have finished planting the seedling in front of you, and shift quickly before he can touch you. "They took everything away from me...in trust till I found a new guardian." You pause, starting a new row. "One was picked for me. I didn't want him. He tried to take over—take me—it was me or him."

"And?"

"I am my father's daughter." You smirk darkly at him, vigorously stabbing the earth and dropping seeds in each hole, creating a rhythm. "Female I am, but my father taught me how to fight. Marette was stupid to think I'd let him—I warned him, told him to leave me...alone." You find your vision is blurring, your breath is heaving, and you stop.

"You'd never killed anyone."

You stab the ground so hard the hoe stands straight up in the soil. "I never had to!" She raised her eyes to him, her breath racing.

"Enough gardening today." He rises to his feet.

You stiffen. "Yes, I'm sure you've had enough digging around today." You lift your face to him defiantly as you rise to your feet even though your tears still fell.

"Time for a bath." Before you could say anything, he picks you up. He keeps a gentle but firm grip on you, anticipating resistance, but there was none, though she was stiff in his arms. He sets you down in the bathroom, turns on the water, and undresses you slowly. You say nothing. He undresses and pulls you in against him.

You put your palms on his chest, trying to keep some distance. "I can't wash this way." You don’t want to look at him.

He smiles gently. "It's alright. Let the water do some of the work, wash it away." You go rigid and he starts wetting your hair, smoothing the water over your head. "Close your eyes, relax..." He gently massages your scalp until you relax. He puts your head on his chest. "See?"

Your vision completely blurs as you try to hold in sniffs and sobs. He holds you closer as he takes a sponge from a small wall shelf and strokes your back, saying nothing. You hide your tears in the flow of water. You had not cried since the day law enforcement took you, the last time you held your father’s jacket. You realize he is too quiet and he is caressing more than bathing you. Does he know you’re crying? You hesitantly pull away.

Given access to the front of your body, he rakes your hair back gently, pulling it to tilt your head to his. He lowers his lips to yours, pressing gently. He withdraws, but only to wash your breasts and stomach, then kneels to wash your legs as well.But then, his mouth opens against the apex of your legs, his warm breath providing only a second's notice before his tongue slides between your lovelips, and you exhale in a half cry, half moan. You lean against the shower wall. His strokes are slow and deliberate, coaxing your legs to open more. He guides your hands to his head, and you massage his scalp as you pant under the flow of water, lost again in passion. He moans as drinks from you and then rises to his feet to pin you against the wall and lift you effortlessly onto his hips, his muscles exerting great care as he lowers her onto his erection. Your both moan, the sounds blending with the sound of flowing water as he lifts and lowers you again…and again…

Passion strips away roles as the water rinses you clean. You wrap your legs around him in surrender as he gently thrust into you, the movements becoming more urgent. You flex around him as he draws moans from you, your fingers digging into his shoulders and intensifying his release.

For moments after he holds you to him, he keeps you pinned against the shower wall as he strokes your arms and legs. He kisses your shoulder and you realize you have been rubbing the back of his head almost absently, naturally, your legs still wrapped around him. It was as if you aren't prisoner and warden at all.

"We are going to market?" you ask softly.

He draws back slightly, just enough to look into your eyes. "Yes. I want the people in town to know you are with me and whatever you buy is on my account." He kisses your nose, and smiles at your confusion. His words do not sound like that of a warden. "Get dressed, alright?" He sets you down on your feet, and you wash quickly and get dressed.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if you wish to be tagged, and comments are WELCOME. Please feel free to also check out other stories on my page.

Thanks @fckdeusername​ and @maan24 ! I thought no one was interested in this story!

[recoveringlesbian]

Halloween & eating disorders (TW)

So. The 31st is just around the corner. I personally love this holiday, but, like most holidays, it's also been REALLY hard for me in the past, specifically the food aspect of it. In this case that mostly means candy. And even though this year will be different for everyone because of covid, I still wanted to say this to anyone who's celebrating while struggling with an eating disorder, disordered eating habits, or just food/dieting in general.

It can be really intimidating, because on the one hand we want to have fun and enjoy ourselves, but on the other hand, there is all this worry and fear and dread tied to food and treats. These have been some (not all) of my personal most prominent anxieties tied to candy halloween festivities in the past:

Losing control and eating everything in sight

Weight gain

Eating too much "bad" food

People judging how much candy I eat

Not being able to stop eating

Maybe you have thoughts like this, or maybe you have different ones. I want you to know that it is okay. It's okay to have these thoughts whether you're in recovery or not.

And it's also important to remember that this is okay. There's no "bad" food. The fear of losing control feels so real especially if you've struggled with binge eating, which many of us have (including myself). The thing is, while binging is a real and scary thing, it is often direct result of restricting and dieting, and ultimately, your body knows how to take care of you. So many people worry that once they let themselves eat and have freedom, they just won't stop, they'll keep eating and eating and eating themselves to death. But that isn't what happens. After going into recovery ive almost completely stopped binging, and the times I do find myself having trouble with it at usually following a period of relapsing with restricting (and that includes mental restriction too, telling myself I shouldn't be eating things/punishing myself for eating, etc).

If you gain weight once you stop starving yourself, maybe it's not because of a lack of control, maybe it's because to be healthy, you needed to gain weight.

In the end, halloween is one day out of the year. And not only is it damaging to your body and mind to spend it worrying over calories and fasting, it's just not worth it. You're allowed to eat treats and have fun. You're not doing anything wrong. It doesn't make you bad to indulge. Even if you eat past being full, even if you feel a little sick after. This is human and normal and okay and you have not done anything wrong. Sugar is not evil. Food is not evil. And of course it won't be perfect, of course you might mess up and you might have those bad thoughts creeping into your head. But you deserve to enjoy yourself.

You are allowed to live for more than counting calories and feeling hungry. You are allowed to eat, and you are allowed to eat more than might be socially acceptable. You are allowed to exist in whatever way you need to.

Happy Halloween.

[hermannsthumb]

"newt isn’t sleazy and is also too busy wrestling with the ethics of hitting on his hot TA if the guy is 5 months older than him to even notice" pleeeease write this

Anonymous asked: "When I Kissed the Teacher" AU ft professor newt and his hot 5-month-older TA hermann

and coincidentally, this older one

Anonymous asked: i just rewatched mamma mia 2 and was wondering if i could request a "when i kissed the teacher" newmann fic?? love your writing!!!!!!

Ask And Ye Shall Receive. sorry ive been MIA 😔 concept from this post I made earlier this month. idk what class newt teaches that hermann would be qualified to TA for but just like, decide for yourselves

---------------------

Newt’s never been a list-making kind of guy, or--for that matter--even really a planning ahead kind of guy, but certain circumstances have thrown his life more out of wack than usual lately, and he kind of needs the stability the like of things like lists offer. Desperate times and everything. Or, at the very least, Newt is desperate. 

So Newt plans, and plots, and deliberates, and he even agonizes a little, but most of all, he makes a list.

On one half of the page, he writes pros. On the other, he writes cons. On top, he writes--what else?--Hermann.

The problem started in late August. Newt knew for months he was going to be assigned a teaching assistant come that semester--it was him, after all, who’d suggested it to the dean in the first place--but the Hermann Gottlieb of extensive, impressive, overachieving CV and overly-former cover letter was a far cry from Hermann Gottlieb in the flesh. Newt expected a dork, frankly. Someone too socially awkward to feel brave enough to thank someone for holding a door open for him. He expected a PhD student so eager to please he’d cater to Newt’s every whim, whether it was grading horrendous freshman lab reports or fetching him a sandwich from the commissary between class sections. 

They met for the first time at the campus coffee shop. Hermann was dressed in an oversized pair of slacks, a threadbare green sweatervest, and honest-to-God saddle shoes; the buttons of his Oxford were done up all the way, from the collar to the cuffs, and an ornate cane was settled against his thigh. His haircut was tragic. “Dr. Geiszler,” he said, all clipped and English, and held his hand out to Newt. “Hermann Gottlieb. It is a great pleasure to meet you. I’m an admirer of your work.”

"Sup,” Newt said, and tried to bump their fists together.

Newt knew he was in deep shit then. It wasn’t just because Hermann was gorgeous (which he was, in a sort of weird, frumpy, ripped-outta-1945 way), or that the scowl he proceeded to level Newt with made his soul wither and his heart race a little bit too fast, but both of those things in conjunction with a big one: Newt was, and is, so fucking love-starved. It’s an unfortunate byproduct of being made a professor when he was as young as he was and completing a PhD before he completed puberty. His early twenties should’ve been spent dyeing his hair terrible colors and adding to his already impressive tattoo collection and having questionable hookups with other young twentysomethings; unfortunately, the only young twentysomethings Newt ever seems to come across are his students, and he has a very strict code of ethics. Not to mention it wasn’t like he was getting any action before that as a weird, gangly teenager with peers several years his senior. He was bound to latch onto the first genius hottie who crossed his path who wasn’t trying to flirt their way into bumping that B- to a B+. And better yet, Hermann is five whole months his senior!

The shit only got deeper when the semester started. No, Hermann was not the sort to fetch Newt sandwiches, or coffee, or Aspirin from his office, nor was he the sort to handle the dreaded lab reports (at least not unless Newt handled them with him), and he definitely wasn’t eager to please. Newt, anyway. If anything the opposite was true: he seemed to actively derive enjoyment from undermining Newt at every turn.

“Wrong,” he’d mutter during class if Newt screwed something up in a lecture, or “No, Geiszler, you’re doing it wrong again,” or “How in the blazes did you get three bloody PhDs when you can’t even do simple addition?” and snatch Newt’s dry erase marker away to scrawl his own answers on the whiteboard. It was less like having a TA and more like having...well, a bitchy, annoying co-teacher. Or, God help Newt, a colleague. And boy, did he wave those five months over Newt’s head like a fucking flag. Newt was immature; inexperienced; clearly not as serious about his studies--his completed studies--as Hermann. Meanwhile Newt’s class (bright young twenty somethings, taller than Newt, cooler than Newt, with more friends than Newt) would giggle and snicker, and Hermann would look smug.

It drove Newt fucking batty.

It also made him, like, super turned on.

The two can co-exist. Apparently. Hermann Gottlieb is already helping Newt discover new and existing concepts; what a fucking excellent TA he is. Someone give that man a raise.

So Newt draws up a list, and he writes Pros, and he writes Cons, and he writes Hermann. The pros are regrettably easy to come up with, because Hermann is Hermann, and (bitchiness and undermining of Newt aside) it’s unfair how many he has. Hot. Stupid sexy accent. Stupidly smart. This is crossed out and replaced with so smart he makes me feel stupid (in a good way), because it seems like an important distinction. Glasses on chain. Mysterious. (In a tall, dark, and handsome way. Sort of. Average height--which is tall to Newt, pale, and handsome. He still scowls more than he talks, which makes him feel mysterious. In a Bronte sort of way. Newt can picture Hermann drawing a billowing cloak around his shoulders and stalking some desolate moor in the moonlight, though in this case maybe’s more of a puffy parka than a cloak.) In tiniest font of all is makes me laugh, because Hermann does, goddamn it, with his snide asides and cutting remarks and sarcasm, often not even directed at Newt when it’s just the two of them alone in Newt’s office at night.

The placement of “is my TA” on the chart is acting as a particular annoyance to Newt, entirely on account of the fact that he can think of several pros and cons for that as well, and he’s not sure whether to nestle it between dark eyelashes and once called me a moron in front of my class and I got a hard-on or beneath sweaters smell like sweat and mothballs, has annoying tic of clearing throat when lost in thought, and the dick wins 86% of our arguments. Sexy forbidden fling. Abuse of power. Is older than me so it's not as weird as it could be? I’m his boss. The school’s paying Hermann though, not Newt, and it’s not like he’s going to scurry off to the dean and demand Hermann’s funding slashed if Hermann turns him down (which he’d most likely do). But it still feels like a breach of ethics.

On the other hand, Hermann is exactly the sort of guy he’d try to pick up at a bar if he still did things like that. (Tenure, rather than giving Newt breathing space to kick back and relax a little, has only increased his obsession with his work, and now when he gets a Friday night free to himself he mostly switches crap on the TV and falls asleep with his cat on the couch.) It’s about the experience, the impossible task of seducing someone who--by all accounts--is too straight-laced and tight-buttoned to indulge in something that debase. They were always the best in bed. Tension, Newt knows, has to snap at some point.

He’d like to wrap Hermann’s personal piano wire around his thumb and bang away at the keys until it snaps, too. Ethics, Newt thinks (folding up the list and stuffing it out of sight), his ass.

Newt sacrifices a Friday night with his cat and Unsolved Mysteries in favor of working on a solution to his Hermann Problem. Swamped with work, he tells Hermann over the phone, it fucking sucks, dude, I could really use your help in my office, and Hermann grumbles, and snaps that Newt should learn to be better prepared for his own damn classes, but declares he’ll be on campus in half an hour and that Newt will be ordering him takeaway for dinner as an apology.

The door swings open at half past five. Hermann is bundled in that heavy parka and scarf (which, even for a Boston November, still looks a little too warm), and his hair is damp. “Is it raining?” Newt says, perhaps stupidly, because there’s not a single droplet of water anywhere else on Hermann’s body.

Hermann makes a face at him and pushes the door shut with his cane. “No,” he says, tersely.

“Then why...” Newt touches his own hair.

“I was taking a bloody bath,” Hermann snaps. “I don’t work on Fridays, as you well know, Newton.”

The use of his full first name stings Newt oddly even as the notion of Hermann luxuriating in a bathtub excites him. “That’s Dr. Geiszler,” Newt snaps back, because goddamn it, he’s Hermann’s boss, he deserves respect, and then mentally adds a small, depressing tally to the Cons half of the board. Ethics, ethics. 

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann says. He throws his scarf and coat viciously at the small couch in the corner of Newt’s office, then takes his usual seat across from Newt. “Well? Where are those papers it’s so crucial we grade?”

Hermann in a bathtub, Newt thinks. Hermann naked. Papers, Newt thinks. “Papers,” Newt says, and he shoves a stack at Hermann with twice as much force as he means to, causing several to flutter to the ground. “We need...to grade them,” he says. Hermann naked, in a bathtub, maybe some candles lit around him, some nice music on, daydreaming about that wretched professor he works for. Damn it. “I have a pen,” he says. “To grade.”

“What on earth are you saying?” Hermann says. “Be quiet. I can’t concentrate with your abominable prattling on.” Then he mumbles something that sounds like incessant, rips the top paper off the stack, and begins to slash at it in red ink. He doesn’t bother gathering the two from the ground.

Why did Newt invite him here, again?

Oh, right. He pushes his glasses up his nose and feigns casualness, pulling out another paper for himself to grade. “A bath,” he says. “Just to, uh, relax? Or...?”

Hermann narrows his eyes. “Or?”

Newt shrugs. “It’s Friday. Were you getting ready for a date or something?”

This time, Hermann’s mouth twists down into a frown. Almost suspicious. “Why do you care?” he says.

“I don’t,” Newt says quickly. “Just making small talk.” God, he could picture some stud of a computer science PhD candidate winning Hermann over with techno babble--or maybe one of his fellow students, ugh, maybe they made a study group together that meets Friday nights, and Hermann was getting all gussied up, goddamn handsome astrophysics grad students--

“I was relaxing,” Hermann says. “You must be aware at this point you cause me a great deal of stress, Dr. Geiszler, on a daily basis.”

“Oh,” Newt says.

He gives up on the small talk after that. Hermann’s promised takeout arrives--a small carton of pad thai--as does Newt’s--a large carton of the spiciest thing they had on the menu--and they eat in silence. They have about three-quarters of the papers to go when Hermann suddenly sits back in his seat with a groan and rubs at his eyes under his granny glasses. “Bugger,” he says. “I can’t fathom this one for the life of me. I’m too tired.”

“It’s getting kinda late,” Newt agrees. “Maybe we should--”

“It’s not that,” Hermann says. “I had a glass of wine earlier, and--oh, it doesn’t matter. Your students need to learn how to write in a way that’s actually bloody legible--it’s like chicken scratch.”

Newt hops up and leans over his shoulder, squinting down at the page. Hermann’s hair smells nice, like something floral, and his skin has a small hint of what could almost be cologne. Why is Hermann wearing cologne? “Okay, let me see it,” Newt says, struggling to keep from getting lightheaded at the close proximity to Hermann. “I’m used to that kind of shit.”

“No,” Hermann says, drawing the paper close to his chest. “I am perfectly capable of managing it on my own.”

“Dude,” Newt says, “let me look at it, seriously. Hermann--”

He manages to tug it away from him. The handwriting is pretty bad, but the math seems to be worse. “Didn’t they do the readings?” Newt mutters under his breath. “That’s not even the right equation for the diameter. I gave them a cheat sheet, man.” They’re junior year engineering students--they should know this shit.

“I know what the equation is,” Hermann snaps. “I can grade it on my own. Give it back.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t know,” Newt says, “I said this kid--”

“It’s the radius squared--”

“Hermann, dude,” Newt says, “I know you’re--”

And that’s when Hermann grabs him by his skinny tie and kisses him, hard. 

They stare at each other afterwards. Hermann’s eyes are as wide as saucers; his mouth is hanging open. Newt’s tie slips from his fingers, which then fall limp to his lap. “Holy shit,” Newt squeaks.

Hermann is gone with a swish of his parka and a loud clack of his cane. And with a stack of papers Newt still has to somehow get through. Figures.

Their next few classes together are subdued. Hermann doesn’t interject any of his biting commentary or corrections, or even offer critiques of Newt’s lack of professionalism (when in the past his skinny jeans were such an easy target), and when the period is over, he practically sprints from the classroom before he and Newt can be alone together for even a second. It’s fine by Newt. Whatever. Maybe Hermann can get over it over Thanksgiving break, and Newt can try to get over the memory of Hermann’s strong fingers tugging him down, Hermann’s floral shampoo, Hermann’s chapped, wide lips against his, the little grunt of shock Hermann made as he did it, like he couldn’t believe his own audacity...

It’s not likely.

It’s December, the last week before finals, and Newt’s in his office bundled up in a sweatshirt (because the heat never seems to fucking work in here), revising a draft of an exam, and dreading the thought of trudging home in the snow, when there’s suddenly a knock at his door. Anticipating some overeager freshman here outside of office hours, he doesn’t look up as he says “Come in.”

A familiar clearing of a throat.

Newt shoots straight up to his feet. He knocks a mug of coffee to the floor in the process. “Hermann,” he says. “Uh. Hi. What--what are you doing here?”

Hermann shuts the door behind him, then takes a careful step forward. He’s back in his big dumb coat and big long scarf. “I thought I ought to tell you myself first,” he says, primly. “I’ve submitted a request to the dean to be reassigned to another professor next semester. Our research interests are far more in line, and I don’t imagine our personalities shall clash as much.”

“Oh,” Newt says, pretending his heart isn't sinking in his chest like a hunk of lead. Was he that bad of a kisser? He feels like he deserves a second shot at it--he wasn’t ready last time, you know, he bets he’d really wow Hermann if he had a fair heads up. “Are.. are those the only reasons why?”

“No,” Hermann admits. “They’re not.”

He crosses the room, and corners Newt against his desk before Newt even realizes what’s happening. “They’re not,” he says again, then adds in a murmur (lifting one hand to brush his fingers against Newt’s hair), “Dr. Geiszler.”

Neither of them talk much, after that.

[mylovelies-docx]

Kid Krow - Comfort Crowd

Part 6!

A/N: We finally find out what promise Y/N made and couldn’t keep.

Chapter warnings: angst (as always), and like one paragraph of very vague smut.

As always, listen to the song here!

And read the story on AO3 here!

Taglist: @maraudersandco @sociallyawkwardcircus-freak-hi @hkmultifandom @spider-starry @ashleykaiba @mayangel19

Word count: 3.2k (a long boy!)

When you stormed out of the cockpit, Mille, Zalos, and Arle refused to look at you. You couldn’t blame them; you looked like hell. Zorii sat sharpening a blade and ticked her head towards the cockpit, asking silently if you wanted her to deal with Poe. You sniffed hard, scrubbed at your eyes, shook your head, and practically ran to your quarters.

You pleaded with the universe to just make Poe sit still and not follow you. You could not handle another moment with him, or else you would explode. Or more specifically, your heart would explode and you would die a slow, agonized death. All because of Poe kriffing Dameron and his stupid, stupid , friendship.

You made your way through the corridors, leaning heavily against the walls in order to not fall over in your pursuit of a private downward spiral.

Eventually you made it to your door and entered your code. The door slid open and you rushed inside, closing it behind you as fast as you could so you could be alone. But going where so many memories of Poe lived had been a mistake. Being alone with your thoughts and emotions was just too much.

It was all too much.

With a shattered scream, you broke down. Every last piece of your heart was wrecked and crushed and ripped apart until it was unrecognizable. And still, this burning, unending pain would not. Go. Away!

Outside, you heard a raised voice. Poe. Saying something about needing to talk, to explain, to apologize. But then muffled, indistinct words of warning from Zorii. You knew that Zorii would not let Poe anywhere near you after what had just happened and how upset she knew you were.

Zorii walked inside, her lithe frame seemed to be held together by rage alone. She hadn’t even bothered to knock or ask if you wanted someone around. But regardless, she was now your best friend, and you just needed company now.

“I will refrain from speaking too much on it, but I do need to emphasize how much I despise that man for everything he’s done to you,” she explained, and settled on your cot.

You wheezed out a humourless laugh. You were numb, through and through, after the havoc that had occurred over your last two encounters with Poe.

Zorii was still angry, but she opened her arms to you for comfort anyway. The look on her face and in her manners spoke of softness in spite of her fury, and it broke whatever respite your breakdown had afforded you. A cry exploded from between your lips, slamming into the walls of your quarters and deafening you. It was the sound of anguish and pain and betrayal that was ripped straight from your heart.

You hadn’t felt so miserable and pitiful in all your life: those stupid kids from back home could never have made you feel as bad as Poe has.

Zorii opened her arms wider and you ran to her. You clutched at her waist, burying your face in her stomach and just sobbed . Sobbed for the best and only friend that you had had for years before Zorii came along. Sobbed for the stupid, love-sick fool that couldn’t take a fucking hint and get over her best friend that never saw anything in her anyway.

Sobbed for yourself. Your pitiful, sad excuse of a self.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine,” you muttered over and over again in hopes of getting your pain under control. “I don’t really need him. I don’t. I don’t…”

She sighed, rubbing soothing circles into your back. “ You’ve said that lie already . We both know what a load of bantha crap it is.”

You repeat yourself over and over again, trying to drive it through your own skull instead of hers.

“Look,” Zorii sighed once again, “I know you loved him. As more than a best friend.” You cringed against her, ashamed that Zorii had to find out how you felt about the man she had been sleeping with. “And trust me, I understand the appeal all too well. I wouldn’t have started anything up with him if I had known how you felt. And to give credits where credits are due, you hid it really well; I had no idea until last week.”

You still couldn’t believe that Poe had said that to you in front of Zorii, remembering how terrible you had felt about it and how profusely you had apologized to Zorii once she had come to check on you that night.

“I overheard your holo-vid with Kes the other night as well,” Zorii admitted, wincing at her own invasion of your privacy. You were too overwhelmed to tell her you really didn’t mind.

“He mentioned some force tree or something? I don’t really know what you had said before that, but he mentioned that and you went quiet. I’ll admit that I was intrigued and maybe wandered closer to your door than I intended to.”

Her voice went soft after that.

“But then I heard you mention that he knew: what who knew, at that point, I wasn’t sure. But you went on to explain how you had felt so pretty dressed up in Shara Bey’s dress and how you had prepared a whole speech. At that point, I figured you were talking about Poe.”

You closed your eyes against her and tried hard to push the memory away.

***

It was a lovely day on Yavin IV, and the big, gnarly-rooted force tree near the Dameron’s household was a brilliant green in the midday glow. The wind was whispering through the jungle, and all the creatures that made it their home seemed to be singing along to some unspoken melody. Just for you.

And for Poe, whenever he decided to show up.

You were all nerves. Sweat under your arms, a racing heart, and clammy hands: always the best look for confessing your love to someone.

You and Poe had returned home to Yavin last month after being away for a few years. Your group had had a close call on the last run, and you begged Poe to come with you to see Kes and your gran.

Your gran couldn’t care less that you hadn’t been home, but Kes was ecstatic that you guys had come back to see him.

Poe had gone to the market to pick up some snacks for the picnic Kes told him you had planned. Poe just didn’t know that it was supposed to be a date for the two of you, and Kes wasn’t going to spoil the surprise.

You were busy getting ready when Kes presented you with the most beautiful dress you had ever seen from Shara Bey’s closet. He was adamant that you wore that particular dress, since it was the one he loved most on her. Your emotions were already bubbling over from anxiety, but the look on Kes’s face when he looked at the dress broke your heart. You could see that he was reliving a memory of him and Shara Bey, and you just couldn’t break the spell that it had over him, so you sat quietly.

He eventually resurfaced and left you alone to finish your routine, all the while insisting that you’d be his official daughter sooner or later. Your smile was so big that it hurt your cheeks.

You arrived at the tree and started to set up the blanket and pillows that you had brought from the Dameron household. The blanket was spread out in the flattest nook between roots, and the pillows were propped up against the trunk. You took your place among the pillows and waited.

And waited.

Admittedly, Poe was prone to getting carried away with conversations between himself and the vendors, but that particular outing seemed to last forever in your mind. You knew why later, but at that point in time, you were convinced that Poe felt something for you and would return for you soon.

You knew that he felt something for you; on all your spice runs, he begged you to stay inside the ship and be safe, he brought you back pretty trinkets that he said reminded him of you, and he was always flirting.

Always.

The nickname he gave you? Princess? Absolutely flirtatious. The hugs before and after he left the ship? Obviously an excuse to be close to you. The little winks he’d send over the fire at you and all the inside jokes you two had? Come on! It was all right there. And Kes agreed! So, you two devised this little set up so that you could finally confess to Poe.

Even with only the progression of Yavin Prime to get a rough estimate of time’s passage, it still took Poe entirely too long to find you. When he finally showed up, you had fallen into a light sleep.

“Where’s dad?” Poe asked, setting down a basket with absolutely nothing in it. He plopped down right beside it, startling you awake.

“Where are our picnic supplies?” You countered, rubbing your eyes and feeling nauseous and disoriented after your impromptu nap.

He lifted his hands in the air as if to say “what can you do” and grunted. “Everyone had packed up by the time I got there. Why isn’t dad out here with us? Did he go back to the house to grab something?” His nonchalance and lack of apology really ate away at your resolve to profess your love to him. You wanted to know what took him so long before you said anything about your feelings.

“No, no he never came out here,” you explained. “Why did it take you so long to get to the market? You left hours ago -- the sun’s going down.” You were wringing your hands in your lap, nervous about what his answer could be.

“I was just catching up with someone; nothing to worry your beautiful head about.” When he said that, he had smoothed over the top of your head like a cherished and beloved friend. “It’s a good thing for us, I promise,” he winked. You were eating it all up like you were starved for affection.

How tragic.

You quickly grasped his hand before you lost all nerve. You kept it between your palms, drawing patterns on the back of it that kept your eyes down and away from his questioning gaze and adorable, slightly confused smile.

The future opened up bright and wonderful before you: your mutual affections coming out in the open and that long-awaited first kiss. Stars , you had been fantasizing about Poe’s lips for more than half of your life at that point. And his hands. His hands! Maker, if they would just glide over your skin and caress you like you had pictured for years, you would die a happy woman. And you’d thread your hands through those beautiful curls at the nape of his neck and tug just a little bit, until he groaned like you had always heard in your dreams. You would move together, right on that blanket under the force tree you and Poe had always loved. You would come apart in the most delicious way, panting and crying, with his mother’s ring dangling from the chain around his neck and nestling itself into the hollow of your throat. And then he would grind into you one final time and just pour his affections into your neck and mouth for safe keeping.

How goddamn tragic it all turned out to be .

“I need to tell you something,” you whispered, looking up through your eyelashes at him. He grinned, seeming just as excited and nervous as you were.

“Me too. I’ve been dying to tell you something for days now!” He wiggled where he sat next to you, scooting as close as he could and touching your foreheads together, like you were about to share secrets that were only meant for the two of you.

“You first,” you said, breathless. You couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

“No, no. You had something to say first, so you go ahead.” Poe had still been grinning at you, the happiest you had seen him in a while.

“How about we say it together?” You countered, giving his hand a little squeeze in anticipation.

“Okay, on the count of three,” he began.

“One…” you said together.

“Two…” you continued.

“Three!” You shut your eyes.

“I love you,” -- “Zorii and I are together,”

Silence. Your eyes were still shut, but now you were holding them so tightly that shapes were floating behind your eyelids. Poe pulled his hand from yours.

“What?” He asked, sounding confused and slightly wounded. Like he couldn’t believe that you had the nerve to say that out loud and ruin everything .

“Don’t,” you began, turning your head down and willing your heart to stop its frantic pace in your chest. “I – I didn’t know… I thought…” you trailed off, unsure what to say to fix the mess that you had created.

“(Y/N), do—do you love me? As more than a friend?” He grabbed your chin and forced you to meet his baffled gaze. You couldn’t think straight at that point, so you said the first thing that had popped in your mind.

“Yes, of course I do.”

Stupid girl.

“Oh, princess.” He released your chin and sat back, resting against the pillows like he was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to deal with the situation any longer. “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to lead you on; I just thought we were friends. I mean, we both see other people, and I’ve never felt that way about you so I didn’t think you did either.”

He could not have said anything worse to you in that moment, could not have said anything that sucked all the warmth from your body any faster than that had.

Okay, (Y/N), just breathe. Think of a way out of this, you begged your frazzled mind. Anything would be better than the silence stretching between you at that point.

“I guess… I got some things confused. I’m sorry.” And now you were that little girl again, apologizing for things out of your control and no fault of your own.

You felt small again, insignificant and alone. A floating pile of junk in the vacuum of space, with no planet in sight and no answers to your distress calls.

Poe could see you spiraling, he had known you long enough to recognize the signs.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, princess, we’ll figure this out,” he murmured, coming closer to you once again. He arranged the pillows so that he could lay back with you on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and muttered soothing words, trying to calm you down and bring you back to him. Like he had done so many times before.

“No, there’s nothin’ to figure out; this is on me. Just give me some time and I’ll get over it.” You hadn’t gotten over it in all the years you had loved him-- truly loved him-- but you had vowed to figure it out, and quickly, so that you could stop feeling like that. “I promise I’ll get over it,” you said into the fist that was curled next to your face on his chest.

You closed your eyes and tried not to focus too hard on how good he felt underneath you like that. How intimate it was, how much it reminded you of the outcome of every daydream you had had.

How you knew that it was probably how he and Zorii spent their nights together now...

***

“Kes didn’t know how that day turned out because Poe and I fell asleep outside. I was too embarrassed to face him that next mornin’, so I sent Poe back to tell him we got an urgent message and had to leave. I don’t know exactly what they said to each other, but Poe looked sad when he came back and I didn’t wanna know.” The confession slipped through your lips, chapped from all the salty tears that you had cried into Zorii’s tunic.

“Oh, (Y/N). I’m so, so sorry. He was on a call with me that evening. I had no idea you were waiting on him; he just mentioned you all were going on a picnic and that his dad could keep you company for a while.” Her hands clenched against your back, as if trying to protect from a hurt that had already passed and done its damage.

“That boy wouldn’t know a Gungan from an Ewok if they were both standing in front of him. The only reason we ever got together was because I made the first move.” Her hands now continued their previous path of soothing circles, hoping to make up for the pain that she unintentionally caused not so long ago.

It amazed you how drastically things could change in such a short amount of time.

“It’s alright, Zorii, I’m not mad at you. I’m just angry at myself. Always at myself. For bein’ too slow, too emotional, too much and never enough at the same time.” You were defeated and exhausted, no longer able to keep even an ember of your earlier fire alive.

“I will not tolerate you speaking about my best friend that way; she is a wonderful person, and the best damn pilot we’ve ever had. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way,” Zorii chided, having pushed you away from her and giving you a stern look.

You returned something resembling a smile.

You looked back to her lap where you had just spent an indeterminate amount of time; the white fabric covering her stomach was completely transparent.

“Oh Rii, I’m sorry about your clothes,” you mumbled, trying to dry it with the sleeves of your outfit. It did no good.

“I don’t really mind; I like my shirts soggy,” she said, deadpan.

This time, a real laugh bubbled up from your throat. You were immensely grateful you had a friend like her.

______

For months after Poe’s departure, you kept a smile on your shoulders until you were sweaty; begging on your knees for somebody to come and help you when it was too much to carry. Zorii did her best, but no one could replace the comfort and happiness you had once found in Poe. You eventually stopped asking for help and pretended to have moved on.

But time passes, and past hurts are less painful. Especially when you don’t think about them.

You had seen the missed messages from Poe in those early days. Every time your comm buzzed, the despair you felt over your situation returned tenfold, and the only option was to throw the device in a forgotten corner and let it die -- just like your feelings.