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bezoarcureforpoison · 4 years ago

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History Will Judge the Complicit: Why have Republican leaders abandoned their principles in support of an immoral and dangerous president?

Sometimes the point isn’t to make people believe a lie—it’s to make people fear the liar.

This Atlantic piece was a very interesting read, and applies to more than just US politics.

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On a cold march afternoon in 1949, Wolfgang Leonhard slipped out of the East German Communist Party Secretariat, hurried home, packed what few warm clothes he could fit into a small briefcase, and then walked to a telephone box to call his mother. “My article will be finished this evening,” he told her. That was the code they had agreed on in advance. It meant that he was escaping the country, at great risk to his life.

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Though only 28 years old at the time, Leonhard stood at the pinnacle of the new East German elite. The son of German Communists, he had been educated in the Soviet Union, trained in special schools during the war, and brought back to Berlin from Moscow in May 1945, on the same airplane that carried Walter Ulbricht, the leader of what would soon become the East German Communist Party. Leonhard was put on a team charged with re‑creating Berlin’s city government.

He had one central task: to ensure that any local leaders who emerged from the postwar chaos were assigned deputies loyal to the party. “It’s got to look democratic,” Ulbricht told him, “but we must have everything in our control.”

Leonhard had lived through a great deal by that time. While he was still a teenager in Moscow, his mother had been arrested as an “enemy of the people” and sent to Vorkuta, a labor camp in the far north. He had witnessed the terrible poverty and inequality of the Soviet Union, he had despaired of the Soviet alliance with Nazi Germany between 1939 and 1941, and he knew about the Red Army’s mass rapes of women following the occupation. Yet he and his ideologically committed friends “instinctively recoiled from the thought” that any of these events were “in diametrical opposition to our Socialist ideals.” Steadfastly, he clung to the belief system he had grown up with.

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The turning point, when it came, was trivial. While walking down the hall of the Central Committee building, he was stopped by a “pleasant-looking middle-aged man,” a comrade recently arrived from the West, who asked where to find the dining room. Leonhard told him that the answer depended on what sort of meal ticket he had—different ranks of officials had access to different dining rooms. The comrade was astonished: “But … aren’t they all members of the Party?”

Leonhard walked away and entered his own, top-category dining room, where white cloths covered the tables and high-ranking functionaries received three-course meals. He felt ashamed. “Curious, I thought, that this had never struck me before!” That was when he began to have the doubts that inexorably led him to plot his escape.

At exactly that same moment, in exactly the same city, another high-ranking East German was coming to precisely the opposite set of conclusions. Markus Wolf was also the son of a prominent German Communist family. He also spent his childhood in the Soviet Union, attending the same elite schools for children of foreign Communists as Leonhard did, as well as the same wartime training camp; the two had shared a bedroom there, solemnly calling each other by their aliases—these were the rules of deep conspiracy—although they knew each other’s real names perfectly well. Wolf also witnessed the mass arrests, the purges, and the poverty of the Soviet Union—and he also kept faith with the cause. He arrived in Berlin just a few days after Leonhard, on another plane full of trusted comrades, and immediately began hosting a program on the new Soviet-backed radio station. For many months he ran the popular You Ask, We Answer. He gave on-air answers to listeners’ letters, often concluding with some form of “These difficulties are being overcome with the help of the Red Army.”

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In August 1947, the two men met up at Wolf’s “luxurious five-roomed apartment,” not far from what was then the headquarters of the radio station. They drove out to Wolf’s house, “a fine villa in the neighborhood of Lake Glienicke.” They took a walk around the lake, and Wolf warned Leonhard that changes were coming. He told him to give up hoping that German Communism would be allowed to develop differently from the Soviet version: That idea, long the goal of many German party members, was about to be dropped. When Leonhard argued that this could not be true—he was personally in charge of ideology, and no one had told him anything about a change in direction—Wolf laughed at him. “There are higher authorities than your Central Secretariat,” he said. Wolf made clear that he had better contacts, more important friends. At the age of 24, he was an insider. And Leonhard understood, finally, that he was a functionary in an occupied country where the Soviet Communist Party, not the German Communist Party, had the last word.

Famously, or perhaps infamously, Markus Wolf’s career continued to flourish after that. Not only did he stay in East Germany, he rose through the ranks of its nomenklatura to become the country’s top spy. He was the second-ranked official at the Ministry of State Security, better known as the Stasi; he was often described as the model for the Karla character in John le Carré ’s spy novels. In the course of his career, his Directorate for Reconnaissance recruited agents in the offices of the West German chancellor and just about every other department of the government, as well as at NATO.

Both men could see the gap between propaganda and reality. Yet one remained an enthusiastic collaborator while the other could not bear the betrayal of his ideals. Why?

Leonhard, meanwhile, became a prominent critic of the regime. He wrote and lectured in West Berlin, at Oxford, at Columbia. Eventually he wound up at Yale, where his lecture course left an impression on several generations of students. Among them was a future U.S. president, George W. Bush, who described Leonhard’s course as “an introduction to the struggle between tyranny and freedom.” When I was at Yale in the 1980s, Leonhard’s course on Soviet history was the most popular on campus.

Separately, each man’s story makes sense. But when examined together, they require some deeper explanation. Until March 1949, Leonhard’s and Wolf’s biographies were strikingly similar. Both grew up inside the Soviet system. Both were educated in Communist ideology, and both had the same values. Both knew that the party was undermining those values. Both knew that the system, allegedly built to promote equality, was deeply unequal, profoundly unfair, and very cruel. Like their counterparts in so many other times and places, both men could plainly see the gap between propaganda and reality. Yet one remained an enthusiastic collaborator, while the other could not bear the betrayal of his ideals. Why?

In english, the word collaborator has a double meaning. A colleague can be described as a collaborator in a neutral or positive sense. But the other definition of collaborator, relevant here, is different: someone who works with the enemy, with the occupying power, with the dictatorial regime. In this negative sense, collaborator is closely related to another set of words: collusion, complicity, connivance. This negative meaning gained currency during the Second World War, when it was widely used to describe Europeans who cooperated with Nazi occupiers. At base, the ugly meaning of collaborator carries an implication of treason: betrayal of one’s nation, of one’s ideology, of one’s morality, of one’s values.

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Since the Second World War, historians and political scientists have tried to explain why some people in extreme circumstances become collaborators and others do not. The late Harvard scholar Stanley Hoffmann had firsthand knowledge of the subject—as a child, he and his mother hid from the Nazis in Lamalou-les-Bains, a village in the south of France. But he was modest about his own conclusions, noting that “a careful historian would have—almost—to write a huge series of case histories; for there seem to have been almost as many collaborationisms as there were proponents or practitioners of collaboration.” Still, Hoffmann made a stab at classification, beginning with a division of collaborators into “voluntary” and “involuntary.” Many people in the latter group had no choice. Forced into a “reluctant recognition of necessity,” they could not avoid dealing with the Nazi occupiers who were running their country.

Hoffmann further sorted the more enthusiastic “voluntary” collaborators into two additional categories. In the first were those who worked with the enemy in the name of “national interest,” rationalizing collaboration as something necessary for the preservation of the French economy, or French culture—though of course many people who made these arguments had other professional or economic motives, too. In the second were the truly active ideological collaborators: people who believed that prewar republican France had been weak or corrupt and hoped that the Nazis would strengthen it, people who admired fascism, and people who admired Hitler.

Hoffmann observed that many of those who became ideological collaborators were landowners and aristocrats, “the cream of the top of the civil service, of the armed forces, of the business community,” people who perceived themselves as part of a natural ruling class that had been unfairly deprived of power under the left-wing governments of France in the 1930s. Equally motivated to collaborate were their polar opposites, the “social misfits and political deviants” who would, in the normal course of events, never have made successful careers of any kind. What brought these groups together was a common conclusion that, whatever they had thought about Germany before June 1940, their political and personal futures would now be improved by aligning themselves with the occupiers.

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Like Hoffmann, Czesław Miłosz, a Nobel Prize–winning Polish poet, wrote about collaboration from personal experience. An active member of the anti-Nazi resistance during the war, he nevertheless wound up after the war as a cultural attaché at the Polish embassy in Washington, serving his country’s Communist government. Only in 1951 did he defect, denounce the regime, and dissect his experience. In a famous essay, The Captive Mind, he sketched several lightly disguised portraits of real people, all writers and intellectuals, each of whom had come up with different ways of justifying collaboration with the party. Many were careerists, but Miłosz understood that careerism could not provide a complete explanation. To be part of a mass movement was for many a chance to end their alienation, to feel close to the “masses,” to be united in a single community with workers and shopkeepers. For tormented intellectuals, collaboration also offered a kind of relief, almost a sense of peace: It meant that they were no longer constantly at war with the state, no longer in turmoil. Once the intellectual has accepted that there is no other way, Miłosz wrote, “he eats with relish, his movements take on vigor, his color returns. He sits down and writes a ‘positive’ article, marveling at the ease with which he writes it.” Miłosz is one of the few writers to acknowledge the pleasure of conformity, the lightness of heart that it grants, the way that it solves so many personal and professional dilemmas.

We all feel the urge to conform; it is the most normal of human desires. I was reminded of this recently when I visited Marianne Birthler in her light-filled apartment in Berlin. During the 1980s, Birthler was one of a very small number of active dissidents in East Germany; later, in reunified Germany, she spent more than a decade running the Stasi archive, the collection of former East German secret-police files. I asked her whether she could identify among her cohort a set of circumstances that had inclined some people to collaborate with the Stasi.

She was put off by the question. Collaboration wasn’t interesting, Birthler told me. Almost everyone was a collaborator; 99 percent of East Germans collaborated. If they weren’t working with the Stasi, then they were working with the party, or with the system more generally. Much more interesting—and far harder to explain—was the genuinely mysterious question of “why people went against the regime.” The puzzle is not why Markus Wolf remained in East Germany, in other words, but why Wolfgang Leonhard did not.

Here is another pair of stories, one that will be more familiar to American readers. Let’s begin this one in the 1980s, when a young Lindsey Graham first served with the Judge Advocate General’s Corps—the military legal service—in the U.S. Air Force. During some of that time, Graham was based in what was then West Germany, on the cutting edge of America’s Cold War efforts. Graham, born and raised in a small town in South Carolina, was devoted to the military: After both of his parents died when he was in his 20s, he got himself and his younger sister through college with the help of an ROTC stipend and then an Air Force salary. He stayed in the Reserves for two decades, even while in the Senate, sometimes journeying to Iraq or Afghanistan to serve as a short-term reserve officer. “The Air Force has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me,” he said in 2015. “It gave me a purpose bigger than myself. It put me in the company of patriots.” Through most of his years in the Senate, Graham, alongside his close friend John McCain, was a spokesperson for a strong military, and for a vision of America as a democratic leader abroad. He also supported a vigorous notion of democracy at home. In his 2014 reelection campaign, he ran as a maverick and a centrist, telling The Atlantic that jousting with the Tea Party was “more fun than any time I’ve been in politics.”

Read: How Lindsey Graham stomped the Tea Party

While Graham was doing his tour in West Germany, Mitt Romney became a co-founder and then the president of Bain Capital, a private-equity investment firm. Born in Michigan, Romney worked in Massachusetts during his years at Bain, but he also kept, thanks to his Mormon faith, close ties to Utah. While Graham was a military lawyer, drawing military pay, Romney was acquiring companies, restructuring them, and then selling them. This was a job he excelled at—in 1990, he was asked to run the parent firm, Bain & Company—and in the course of doing so he became very rich. Still, Romney dreamed of a political career, and in 1994 he ran for the Senate in Massachusetts, after changing his political affiliation from independent to Republican. He lost, but in 2002 he ran for governor of Massachusetts as a nonpartisan moderate, and won. In 2007—after a gubernatorial term during which he successfully brought in a form of near-universal health care that became a model for Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act—he staged his first run for president. After losing the 2008 Republican primary, he won the party’s nomination in 2012, and then lost the general election.

Both Graham and Romney had presidential ambitions; Graham staged his own short-lived presidential campaign in 2015 (justified on the grounds that “the world is falling apart”). Both men were loyal members of the Republican Party, skeptical of the party’s radical and conspiratorial fringe. Both men reacted to the presidential candidacy of Donald Trump with real anger, and no wonder: In different ways, Trump’s values undermined their own. Graham had dedicated his career to an idea of U.S. leadership around the world—whereas Trump was offering an “America First” doctrine that would turn out to mean “me and my friends first.” Romney was an excellent businessman with a strong record as a public servant—whereas Trump inherited wealth, went bankrupt more than once, created nothing of value, and had no governing record at all. Both Graham and Romney were devoted to America’s democratic traditions and to the ideals of honesty, accountability, and transparency in public life—all of which Trump scorned.

Both were vocal in their disapproval of Trump. Before the election, Graham called him a “jackass,” a “nutjob,” and a “race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.” He seemed unhappy, even depressed, by the election: I happened to see him at a conference in Europe in the spring of 2016, and he spoke in monosyllables, if at all.

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Romney went further. “Let me put it very plainly,” he said in March 2016, in a speech criticizing Trump: “If we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished.” Romney spoke of “the bullying, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics.” He called Trump a “con man” and a “fraud.” Even after Trump won the nomination, Romney refused to endorse him. On his presidential ballot, Romney said, he wrote in his wife. Graham said he voted for the independent candidate Evan McMullin.

But Trump did become president, and so the two men’s convictions were put to the test.

A glance at their biographies would not have led many to predict what happened next. On paper, Graham would have seemed, in 2016, like the man with deeper ties to the military, to the rule of law, and to an old-fashioned idea of American patriotism and American responsibility in the world. Romney, by contrast, with his shifts between the center and the right, with his multiple careers in business and politics, would have seemed less deeply attached to those same old-fashioned patriotic ideals. Most of us register soldiers as loyal patriots, and management consultants as self-interested. We assume people from small towns in South Carolina are more likely to resist political pressure than people who have lived in many places. Intuitively, we think that loyalty to a particular place implies loyalty to a set of values.

But in this case the clichés were wrong. It was Graham who made excuses for Trump’s abuse of power. It was Graham—a JAG Corps lawyer—who downplayed the evidence that the president had attempted to manipulate foreign courts and blackmail a foreign leader into launching a phony investigation into a political rival. It was Graham who abandoned his own stated support for bipartisanship and instead pushed for a hyperpartisan Senate Judiciary Committee investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden’s son. It was Graham who played golf with Trump, who made excuses for him on television, who supported the president even as he slowly destroyed the American alliances—with Europeans, with the Kurds—that Graham had defended all his life. By contrast, it was Romney who, in February, became the only Republican senator to break ranks with his colleagues, voting to impeach the president. “Corrupting an election to keep oneself in office,” he said, is “perhaps the most abusive and destructive violation of one’s oath of office that I can imagine.”

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One man proved willing to betray ideas and ideals that he had once stood for. The other refused. Why?

To the american reader, references to Vichy France, East Germany, fascists, and Communists may seem over-the-top, even ludicrous. But dig a little deeper, and the analogy makes sense. The point is not to compare Trump to Hitler or Stalin; the point is to compare the experiences of high-ranking members of the American Republican Party, especially those who work most closely with the White House, to the experiences of Frenchmen in 1940, or of East Germans in 1945, or of Czesław Miłosz in 1947. These are experiences of people who are forced to accept an alien ideology or a set of values that are in sharp conflict with their own.

Not even Trump’s supporters can contest this analogy, because the imposition of an alien ideology is precisely what he was calling for all along. Trump’s first statement as president, his inaugural address, was an unprecedented assault on American democracy and American values. Remember: He described America’s capital city, America’s government, America’s congressmen and senators—all democratically elected and chosen by Americans, according to America’s 227-year-old Constitution—as an “establishment” that had profited at the expense of “the people.” “Their victories have not been your victories,” he said. “Their triumphs have not been your triumphs.” Trump was stating, as clearly as he possibly could, that a new set of values was now replacing the old, though of course the nature of those new values was not yet clear.

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Almost as soon as he stopped speaking, Trump launched his first assault on fact-based reality, a long-undervalued component of the American political system. We are not a theocracy or a monarchy that accepts the word of the leader or the priesthood as law. We are a democracy that debates facts, seeks to understand problems, and then legislates solutions, all in accordance with a set of rules. Trump’s insistence—against the evidence of photographs, television footage, and the lived experience of thousands of people—that the attendance at his inauguration was higher than at Barack Obama’s first inauguration represented a sharp break with that American political tradition. Like the authoritarian leaders of other times and places, Trump effectively ordered not just his supporters but also apolitical members of the government bureaucracy to adhere to a blatantly false, manipulated reality. American politicians, like politicians everywhere, have always covered up mistakes, held back information, and made promises they could not keep. But until Trump was president, none of them induced the National Park Service to produce doctored photographs or compelled the White House press secretary to lie about the size of a crowd—or encouraged him to do so in front of a press corps that knew he knew he was lying.

It takes time to persuade people to abandon their existing value systems. The process usually begins slowly, with small changes.

The lie was petty, even ridiculous; that was partly why it was so dangerous. In the 1950s, when an insect known as the Colorado potato beetle appeared in Eastern European potato fields, Soviet-backed governments in the region triumphantly claimed that it had been dropped from the sky by American pilots, as a deliberate form of biological sabotage. Posters featuring vicious red-white-and-blue beetles went up all across Poland, East Germany, and Czechoslovakia. No one really believed the charge, including the people making it, as archives have subsequently shown. But that didn’t matter. The point of the posters was not to convince people of a falsehood. The point was to demonstrate the party’s power to proclaim and promulgate a falsehood. Sometimes the point isn’t to make people believe a lie—it’s to make people fear the liar.

These kinds of lies also have a way of building on one another. It takes time to persuade people to abandon their existing value systems. The process usually begins slowly, with small changes. Social scientists who have studied the erosion of values and the growth of corruption inside companies have found, for example, that “people are more likely to accept the unethical behavior of others if the behavior develops gradually (along a slippery slope) rather than occurring abruptly,” according to a 2009 article in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. This happens, in part, because most people have a built-in vision of themselves as moral and honest, and that self-image is resistant to change. Once certain behaviors become “normal,” then people stop seeing them as wrong.

This process happens in politics, too. In 1947, the Soviet military administrators in East Germany passed a regulation governing the activity of publishing houses and printers. The decree did not nationalize the printing presses; it merely demanded that their owners apply for licenses, and that they confine their work to books and pamphlets ordered by central planners. Imagine how a law like this—which did not speak of arrests, let alone torture or the Gulag—affected the owner of a printing press in Dresden, a responsible family man with two teenage children and a sickly wife. Following its passage, he had to make a series of seemingly insignificant choices. Would he apply for a license? Of course—he needed it to earn money for his family. Would he agree to confine his business to material ordered by the central planners? Yes to that too—what else was there to print?

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After that, other compromises follow. Though he dislikes the Communists—he just wants to stay out of politics—he agrees to print the collected works of Stalin, because if he doesn’t do it, others will. When he is asked by some disaffected friends to print a pamphlet critical of the regime, however, he refuses. Though he wouldn’t go to jail for printing it, his children might not be admitted to university, and his wife might not get her medication; he has to think about their welfare. Meanwhile, all across East Germany, other owners of other printing presses are making similar decisions. And after a while—without anyone being shot or arrested, without anyone feeling any particular pangs of conscience—the only books left to read are the ones approved by the regime.

The built-in vision of themselves as American patriots, or as competent administrators, or as loyal party members, also created a cognitive distortion that blinded many Republicans and Trump-administration officials to the precise nature of the president’s alternative value system. After all, the early incidents were so trivial. They overlooked the lie about the inauguration because it was silly. They ignored Trump’s appointment of the wealthiest Cabinet in history, and his decision to stuff his administration with former lobbyists, because that’s business as usual. They made excuses for Ivanka Trump’s use of a private email account, and for Jared Kushner’s conflicts of interest, because that’s just family stuff.

One step at a time, Trumpism fooled many of its most enthusiastic adherents. Recall that some of the original intellectual supporters of Trump—people like Steve Bannon, Michael Anton, and the advocates of “national conservatism,” an ideology invented, post hoc, to rationalize the president’s behavior—advertised their movement as a recognizable form of populism: an anti–Wall Street, anti-foreign-wars, anti-immigration alternative to the small-government libertarianism of the establishment Republican Party. Their “Drain the swamp” slogan implied that Trump would clean up the rotten world of lobbyists and campaign finance that distorts American politics, that he would make public debate more honest and legislation more fair. Had this actually been Trump’s ruling philosophy, it might well have posed difficulties for the Republican Party leadership in 2016, given that most of them had quite different values. But it would not necessarily have damaged the Constitution, and it would not necessarily have posed fundamental moral challenges to people in public life.

In practice, Trump has governed according to a set of principles very different from those articulated by his original intellectual supporters. Although some of his speeches have continued to use that populist language, he has built a Cabinet and an administration that serve neither the public nor his voters but rather his own psychological needs and the interests of his own friends on Wall Street and in business and, of course, his own family. His tax cuts disproportionately benefited the wealthy, not the working class. His shallow economic boom, engineered to ensure his reelection, was made possible by a vast budget deficit, on a scale Republicans once claimed to abhor, an enormous burden for future generations. He worked to dismantle the existing health-care system without offering anything better, as he’d promised to do, so that the number of uninsured people rose. All the while he fanned and encouraged xenophobia and racism, both because he found them politically useful and because they are part of his personal worldview.

More important, he has governed in defiance—and in ignorance—of the American Constitution, notably declaring, well into his third year in office, that he had “total” authority over the states. His administration is not merely corrupt, it is also hostile to checks, balances, and the rule of law. He has built a proto-authoritarian personality cult, firing or sidelining officials who have contradicted him with facts and evidence—with tragic consequences for public health and the economy. He threatened to fire a top Centers for Disease Control and Prevention official, Nancy Messonnier, in late February, after her too-blunt warnings about the coronavirus; Rick Bright, a top Health and Human Services official, says he was demoted after refusing to direct money to promote the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine. Trump has attacked America’s military, calling his generals “a bunch of dopes and babies,” and America’s intelligence services and law-enforcement officers, whom he has denigrated as the “deep state” and whose advice he has ignored. He has appointed weak and inexperienced “acting” officials to run America’s most important security institutions. He has systematically wrecked America’s alliances.

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His foreign policy has never served any U.S. interests of any kind. Although some of Trump’s Cabinet ministers and media followers have tried to portray him as an anti-Chinese nationalist—and although foreign-policy commentators from all points on the political spectrum have, amazingly, accepted this fiction without questioning it—Trump’s true instinct, always, has been to side with foreign dictators, including Chinese President Xi Jinping. One former administration official who has seen Trump interact with Xi as well as with Russian President Vladimir Putin told me that it was like watching a lesser celebrity encounter a more famous one. Trump did not speak to them as the representative of the American people; he simply wanted their aura—of absolute power, of cruelty, of fame—to rub off on him and enhance his own image. This, too, has had fatal consequences. In January, Trump took Xi’s word when he said that COVID‑19 was “under control,” just as he had believed North Korea’s Kim Jong Un when he signed a deal on nuclear weapons. Trump’s fawning attitude toward dictators is his ideology at its purest: He meets his own psychological needs first; he thinks about the country last. The true nature of the ideology that Trump brought to Washington was not “America First,” but rather “Trump First.”

Maybe it isn’t surprising that the implications of “Trump First” were not immediately understood. After all, the Communist parties of Eastern Europe—or, if you want a more recent example, the Chavistas in Venezuela—all advertised themselves as advocates of equality and prosperity even though, in practice, they created inequality and poverty. But just as the truth about Hugo Chávez’s Bolivarian Revolution slowly dawned on people, it also became clear, eventually, that Trump did not have the interests of the American public at heart. And as they came to realize that the president was not a patriot, Republican politicians and senior civil servants began to equivocate, just like people living under an alien regime.

In retrospect, this dawning realization explains why the funeral of John McCain, in September 2018, looked, and by all accounts felt, so strange. Two previous presidents, one Republican and one Democrat—representatives of the old, patriotic political class—made speeches; the sitting president’s name was never mentioned. The songs and symbols of the old order were visible too: “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”; American flags; two of McCain’s sons in their officer’s uniforms, so very different from the sons of Trump. Writing in The New Yorker, Susan Glasser described the funeral as “a meeting of the Resistance, under vaulted ceilings and stained-glass windows.” In truth, it bore an uncanny resemblance to the 1956 funeral of László Rajk, a Hungarian Communist and secret-police boss who had been purged and murdered by his comrades in 1949. Rajk’s wife had become an outspoken critic of the regime, and the funeral turned into a de facto political rally, helping to set off Hungary’s anti-Communist revolution a couple of weeks later.

Nothing quite so dramatic happened after McCain’s funeral. But it did clarify the situation. A year and a half into the Trump administration, it marked a turning point, the moment at which many Americans in public life began to adopt the strategies, tactics, and self-justifications that the inhabitants of occupied countries have used in the past—doing so even though the personal stakes were, relatively speaking, so low. Poles like Miłosz wound up in exile in the 1950s; dissidents in East Germany lost the right to work and study. In harsher regimes like that of Stalin’s Russia, public protest could lead to many years in a concentration camp; disobedient Wehrmacht officers were executed by slow strangulation.

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By contrast, a Republican senator who dares to question whether Trump is acting in the interests of the country is in danger of—what, exactly? Losing his seat and winding up with a seven-figure lobbying job or a fellowship at the Harvard Kennedy School? He might meet the terrible fate of Jeff Flake, the former Arizona senator, who has been hired as a contributor by CBS News. He might suffer like Romney, who was tragically not invited to the Conservative Political Action Conference, which this year turned out to be a reservoir of COVID‑19.

Nevertheless, 20 months into the Trump administration, senators and other serious-minded Republicans in public life who should have known better began to tell themselves stories that sound very much like those in Miłosz’s The Captive Mind. Some of these stories overlap with one another; some of them are just thin cloaks to cover self-interest. But all of them are familiar justifications of collaboration, recognizable from the past. Here are the most popular.

We can use this moment to achieve great things. In the spring of 2019, a Trump-supporting friend put me in touch with an administration official I will call “Mark,” whom I eventually met for a drink. I won’t give details, because we spoke informally, but in any case Mark did not leak information or criticize the White House. On the contrary, he described himself as a patriot and a true believer. He supported the language of “America First,” and was confident that it could be made real.

Several months later, I met Mark a second time. The impeachment hearings had begun, and the story of the firing of the American ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, was then in the news. The true nature of the administration’s ideology—Trump First, not America First—was becoming more obvious. The president’s abuse of military aid to Ukraine and his attacks on civil servants suggested not a patriotic White House, but a president focused on his own interests. Mark did not apologize for the president, though. Instead, he changed the subject: It was all worth it, he told me, because of the Uighurs.

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I thought I had misheard. The Uighurs? Why the Uighurs? I was unaware of anything that the administration had done to aid the oppressed Muslim minority in Xinjiang, China. Mark assured me that letters had been written, statements had been made, the president himself had been persuaded to say something at the United Nations. I doubted very much that the Uighurs had benefited from these empty words: China hadn’t altered its behavior, and the concentration camps built for the Uighurs were still standing. Nevertheless, Mark’s conscience was clear. Yes, Trump was destroying America’s reputation in the world, and yes, Trump was ruining America’s alliances, but Mark was so important to the cause of the Uighurs that people like him could, in good conscience, keep working for the administration.

Mark made me think of the story of Wanda Telakowska, a Polish cultural activist who in 1945 felt much the same as he did. Telakowska had collected and promoted folk art before the war; after the war she made the momentous decision to join the Polish Ministry of Culture. The Communist leadership was arresting and murdering its opponents; the nature of the regime was becoming clear. Telakowska nevertheless thought she could use her position inside the Communist establishment to help Polish artists and designers, to promote their work and get Polish companies to mass-produce their designs. But Polish factories, newly nationalized, were not interested in the designs she commissioned. Communist politicians, skeptical of her loyalty, made Telakowska write articles filled with Marxist gibberish. Eventually she resigned, having achieved nothing she set out to do. A later generation of artists condemned her as a Stalinist and forgot about her.

We can protect the country from the president. That, of course, was the argument used by “Anonymous,” the author of an unsigned New York Times op-ed published in September 2018. For those who have forgotten—a lot has happened since then—that article described the president’s “erratic behavior,” his inability to concentrate, his ignorance, and above all his lack of “affinity for ideals long espoused by conservatives: free minds, free markets and free people.” The “root of the problem,” Anonymous concluded, was “the president’s amorality.” In essence, the article described the true nature of the alternative value system brought into the White House by Trump, at a moment when not everybody in Washington understood it. But even as they came to understand that the Trump presidency was guided by the president’s narcissism, Anonymous did not quit, protest, make noise, or campaign against the president and his party.

Read: The saddest part of the anonymous ‘New York Times’ op-ed

Instead, Anonymous concluded that remaining inside the system, where they could cleverly distract and restrain the president, was the right course for public servants like them. Anonymous was not alone. Gary Cohn, at the time the White House economic adviser, told Bob Woodward that he’d removed papers from the president’s desk to prevent him from pulling out of a trade agreement with South Korea. James Mattis, Trump’s original secretary of defense, stayed in office because he thought he could educate the president about the value of America’s alliances, or at least protect some of them from destruction.

This kind of behavior has echoes in other countries and other times. A few months ago, in Venezuela, I spoke with Víctor Álvarez, a minister in one of Hugo Chávez’s governments and a high-ranking official before that. Álvarez explained to me the arguments he had made in favor of protecting some private industry, and his opposition to mass nationalization. Álvarez was in government from the late 1990s through 2006, a time when Chávez was stepping up the use of police against peaceful demonstrators and undermining democratic institutions. Still, Álvarez remained, hoping to curb Chávez’s worst economic instincts. Ultimately, he did quit, after concluding that Chávez had created a loyalty cult around himself—Álvarez called it a “subclimate” of obedience—and was no longer listening to anyone who disagreed.

Anne Applebaum: Venezuela is the eerie endgame of modern politics

In authoritarian regimes, many insiders eventually conclude that their presence simply does not matter. Cohn, after publicly agonizing when the president said there had been “fine people on both sides” at the deadly white-supremacist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, finally quit when the president made the ruinous decision to put tariffs on steel and aluminum, a decision that harmed American businesses. Mattis reached his breaking point when the president abandoned the Kurds, America’s longtime allies in the war against the Islamic State.

But although both resigned, neither Cohn nor Mattis has spoken out in any notable way. (On June 3, after this article went to press, Mattis denounced Trump in an article on TheAtlantic.com.) Their presence inside the White House helped build Trump’s credibility among traditional Republican voters; their silence now continues to serve the president’s purposes. As for Anonymous, we don’t know whether he or she remains inside the administration. For the record, I note that Álvarez lives in Venezuela, an actual police state, and yet is willing to speak out against the system he helped create. Cohn, Mattis, and Anonymous, all living freely in the United States of America, have not been nearly so brave.

I, personally, will benefit. These, of course, are words that few people ever say out loud. Perhaps some do quietly acknowledge to themselves that they have not resigned or protested because it would cost them money or status. But no one wants a reputation as a careerist or a turncoat. After the fall of the Berlin Wall, even Markus Wolf sought to portray himself as an idealist. He had truly believed in Marxist-Leninist ideals, this infamously cynical man told an interviewer in 1996, and “I still believe in them.”

Many people in and around the Trump administration are seeking personal benefits. Many of them are doing so with a degree of openness that is startling and unusual in contemporary American politics, at least at this level. As an ideology, “Trump First” suits these people, because it gives them license to put themselves first. To pick a random example: Sonny Perdue, the secretary of agriculture, is a former Georgia governor and a businessman who, like Trump, famously refused to put his agricultural companies into a blind trust when he entered the governor’s office. Perdue has never even pretended to separate his political and personal interests. Since joining the Cabinet he has, with almost no oversight, distributed billions of dollars of “compensation” to farms damaged by Trump’s trade policies. He has stuffed his department with former lobbyists who are now in charge of regulating their own industries: Deputy Secretary Stephen Censky was for 21 years the CEO of the American Soybean Association; Brooke Appleton was a lobbyist for the National Corn Growers Association before becoming Censky’s chief of staff, and has since returned to that group; Kailee Tkacz, a member of a nutritional advisory panel, is a former lobbyist for the Snack Food Association. The list goes on and on, as would lists of similarly compromised people in the Department of Energy, the Environmental Protection Agency, and elsewhere.

David W. Blight: One week to save democracy

Perdue’s department also employs an extraordinary range of people with no experience in agriculture whatsoever. These modern apparatchiks, hired for their loyalty rather than their competence, include a long-haul truck driver, a country-club cabana attendant, the owner of a scented-candle company, and an intern at the Republican National Committee. The long-haul truck driver was paid $80,000 a year to expand markets for American agriculture abroad. Why was he qualified? He had a background in “hauling and shipping agricultural commodities.”

A friend told me that each time he sees Lindsey Graham, “he brags about having just met with Trump” while exhibiting “high school” levels of excitement, as if “a popular quarterback has just bestowed some attention on a nerdy debate-club leader.”

I must remain close to power. Another sort of benefit, harder to measure, has kept many people who object to Trump’s policies or behavior from speaking out: the intoxicating experience of power, and the belief that proximity to a powerful person bestows higher status. This, too, is nothing new. In a 1968 article for The Atlantic, James Thomson, an American East Asia specialist, brilliantly explained how power functioned inside the U.S. bureaucracy in the Vietnam era. When the war in Vietnam was going badly, many people did not resign or speak out in public, because preserving their “effectiveness”—“a mysterious combination of training, style, and connections,” as Thomson defined it—was an all-consuming concern. He called this “the effectiveness trap”:

The inclination to remain silent or to acquiesce in the presence of the great men—to live to fight another day, to give on this issue so that you can be “effective” on later issues—is overwhelming. Nor is it the tendency of youth alone; some of our most senior officials, men of wealth and fame, whose place in history is secure, have remained silent lest their connection with power be terminated.

In any organization, private or public, the boss will of course sometimes make decisions that his underlings dislike. But when basic principles are constantly violated, and people constantly defer resignation—“I can always fall on my sword next time”—then misguided policies go fatally unchallenged.

In other countries, the effectiveness trap has other names. In his recent book on Putinism, Between Two Fires, Joshua Yaffa describes the Russian version of this syndrome. The Russian language, he notes, has a word—prisposoblenets—that means “a person skilled in the act of compromise and adaptation, who intuitively understands what is expected of him and adjusts his beliefs and conduct accordingly.” In Putin’s Russia, anyone who wants to stay in the game—to remain close to power, to retain influence, to inspire respect—knows the necessity of making constant small changes to one’s language and behavior, of being careful about what one says and to whom one says it, of understanding what criticism is acceptable and what constitutes a violation of the unwritten rules. Those who violate these rules will not, for the most part, suffer prison—Putin’s Russia is not Stalin’s Russia—but they will experience a painful ejection from the inner circle.

For those who have never experienced it, the mystical pull of that connection to power, that feeling of being an insider, is difficult to explain. Nevertheless, it is real, and strong enough to affect even the highest-ranking, best-known, most influential people in America. John Bolton, Trump’s former national security adviser, named his still-unpublished book The Room Where It Happened, because, of course, that’s where he has always wanted to be. A friend who regularly runs into Lindsey Graham in Washington told me that each time they meet, “he brags about having just met with Trump” while exhibiting “high school” levels of excitement, as if “a popular quarterback has just bestowed some attention on a nerdy debate-club leader—the powerful big kid likes me! ” That kind of intense pleasure is hard to relinquish and even harder to live without.

LOL nothing matters. Cynicism, nihilism, relativism, amorality, irony, sarcasm, boredom, amusement—these are all reasons to collaborate, and always have been. Marko Martin, a novelist and travel writer who grew up in East Germany, told me that in the 1980s some of the East German bohemia, influenced by then-fashionable French intellectuals, argued that there was no such thing as morality or immorality, no such thing as good or evil, no such thing as right or wrong—“so you might as well collaborate.”

This instinct has an American variation. Politicians here who have spent their lives following rules and watching their words, calibrating their language, giving pious speeches about morality and governance, may feel a sneaking admiration for someone like Trump, who breaks all the rules and gets away with it. He lies; he cheats; he extorts; he refuses to show compassion, sympathy, or empathy; he does not pretend to believe in anything or to abide by any moral code. He simulates patriotism, with flags and gestures, but he does not behave like a patriot; his campaign scrambled to get help from Russia in 2016 (“If it’s what you say, I love it,” replied Donald Trump Jr., when offered Russian “dirt” on Hillary Clinton), and Trump himself called on Russia to hack his opponent. And for some of those at the top of his administration, and of his party, these character traits might have a deep, unacknowledged appeal: If there is no such thing as moral and immoral, then everyone is implicitly released from the need to obey any rules. If the president doesn’t respect the Constitution, then why should I? If the president can cheat in elections, then why can’t I? If the president can sleep with porn stars, then why shouldn’t I?

This, of course, was the insight of the “alt-right,” which understood the dark allure of amorality, open racism, anti-Semitism, and misogyny long before many others in the Republican Party. Mikhail Bakhtin, the Russian philosopher and literary critic, recognized the lure of the forbidden a century ago, writing about the deep appeal of the carnival, a space where everything banned is suddenly allowed, where eccentricity is permitted, where profanity defeats piety. The Trump administration is like that: Nothing means anything, rules don’t matter, and the president is the carnival king.

My side might be flawed, but the political opposition is much worse. When Marshal Philippe Pétain, the leader of collaborationist France, took over the Vichy government, he did so in the name of the restoration of a France that he believed had been lost. Pétain had been a fierce critic of the French Republic, and once he was in control, he replaced its famous creed—Liberté, égalité, fraternité, or “Liberty, equality, fraternity”—with a different slogan: Travail, famille, patrie, or “Work, family, fatherland.” Instead of the “false idea of the natural equality of man,” he proposed bringing back “social hierarchy”—order, tradition, and religion. Instead of accepting modernity, Pétain sought to turn back the clock.

By Pétain’s reckoning, collaboration with the Germans was not merely an embarrassing necessity. It was crucial, because it gave patriots the ability to fight the real enemy: the French parliamentarians, socialists, anarchists, Jews, and other assorted leftists and democrats who, he believed, were undermining the nation, robbing it of its vitality, destroying its essence. “Rather Hitler than Blum,” the saying went—Blum having been France’s socialist (and Jewish) prime minister in the late 1930s. One Vichy minister, Pierre Laval, famously declared that he hoped Germany would conquer all of Europe. Otherwise, he asserted, “Bolshevism would tomorrow establish itself everywhere.”

From the October 2001 issue: France’s downfall

To Americans, this kind of justification should sound very familiar; we have been hearing versions of it since 2016. The existential nature of the threat from “the left” has been spelled out many times. “Our liberal-left present reality and future direction is incompatible with human nature,” wrote Michael Anton, in “The Flight 93 Election.” The Fox News anchor Laura Ingraham has warned that “massive demographic changes” threaten us too: “In some parts of the country it does seem like the America that we know and love doesn’t exist anymore.” This is the Vichy logic: The nation is dead or dying—so anything you can do to restore it is justified. Whatever criticisms might be made of Trump, whatever harm he has done to democracy and the rule of law, whatever corrupt deals he might make while in the White House—all of these shrink in comparison to the horrific alternative: the liberalism, socialism, moral decadence, demographic change, and cultural degradation that would have been the inevitable result of Hillary Clinton’s presidency.

The Republican senators who are willing to express their disgust with Trump off the record but voted in February for him to remain in office all indulge a variation of this sentiment. (Trump enables them to get the judges they want, and those judges will help create the America they want.) So do the evangelical pastors who ought to be disgusted by Trump’s personal behavior but argue, instead, that the current situation has scriptural precedents. Like King David in the Bible, the president is a sinner, a flawed vessel, but he nevertheless offers a path to salvation for a fallen nation.

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The three most important members of Trump’s Cabinet—Vice President Mike Pence, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and Attorney General William Barr—are all profoundly shaped by Vichyite apocalyptic thinking. All three are clever enough to understand what Trumpism really means, that it has nothing to do with God or faith, that it is self-serving, greedy, and unpatriotic. Nevertheless, a former member of the administration (one of the few who did decide to resign) told me that both Pence and Pompeo “have convinced themselves that they are in a biblical moment.” All of the things they care about—outlawing abortion and same-sex marriage, and (though this is never said out loud) maintaining a white majority in America—are under threat. Time is growing short. They believe that “we are approaching the Rapture, and this is a moment of deep religious significance.” Barr, in a speech at Notre Dame, has also described his belief that “militant secularists” are destroying America, that “irreligion and secular values are being forced on people of faith.” Whatever evil Trump does, whatever he damages or destroys, at least he enables Barr, Pence, and Pompeo to save America from a far worse fate. If you are convinced we are living in the End Times, then anything the president does can be forgiven.

I am afraid to speak out. Fear, of course, is the most important reason any inhabitant of an authoritarian or totalitarian society does not protest or resign, even when the leader commits crimes, violates his official ideology, or forces people to do things that they know to be wrong. In extreme dictatorships like Nazi Germany and Stalin’s Russia, people fear for their lives. In softer dictatorships, like East Germany after 1950 and Putin’s Russia today, people fear losing their jobs or their apartments. Fear works as a motivation even when violence is a memory rather than a reality. When I was a student in Leningrad in the 1980s, some people still stepped back in horror when I asked for directions on the street, in my accented Russian: No one was going to be arrested for speaking to a foreigner in 1984, but 30 years earlier they might have been, and the cultural memory remained.

Republican leaders don’t seem to know that similar waves of fear have helped transform other democracies into dictatorships.

In the United States of America, it is hard to imagine how fear could be a motivation for anybody. There are no mass murders of the regime’s political enemies, and there never have been. Political opposition is legal; free press and free speech are guaranteed in the Constitution. And yet even in one of the world’s oldest and most stable democracies, fear is a motive. The same former administration official who observed the importance of apocalyptic Christianity in Trump’s Washington also told me, with grim disgust, that “they are all scared.”

They are scared not of prison, the official said, but of being attacked by Trump on Twitter. They are scared he will make up a nickname for them. They are scared that they will be mocked, or embarrassed, like Mitt Romney has been. They are scared of losing their social circles, of being disinvited to parties. They are scared that their friends and supporters, and especially their donors, will desert them. John Bolton has his own super PAC and a lot of plans for how he wants to use it; no wonder he resisted testifying against Trump. Former Speaker Paul Ryan is among the dozens of House Republicans who have left Congress since the beginning of this administration, in one of the most striking personnel turnovers in congressional history. They left because they hated what Trump was doing to their party—and the country. Yet even after they left, they did not speak out.

They are scared, and yet they don’t seem to know that this fear has precedents, or that it could have consequences. They don’t know that similar waves of fear have helped transform other democracies into dictatorships. They don’t seem to realize that the American Senate really could become the Russian Duma, or the Hungarian Parliament, a group of exalted men and women who sit in an elegant building, with no influence and no power. Indeed, we are already much closer to that reality than many could ever have imagined.

In february, many members of the Republican Party leadership, Republican senators, and people inside the administration used various versions of these rationales to justify their opposition to impeachment. All of them had seen the evidence that Trump had stepped over the line in his dealings with the president of Ukraine. All of them knew that he had tried to use American foreign-policy tools, including military funding, to force a foreign leader into investigating a domestic political opponent. Yet Republican senators, led by Mitch McConnell, never took the charges seriously. They mocked the Democratic House leaders who had presented the charges. They decided against hearing evidence. With the single exception of Romney, they voted in favor of ending the investigation. They did not use the opportunity to rid the country of a president whose operative value system—built around corruption, nascent authoritarianism, self-regard, and his family’s business interests—runs counter to everything that most of them claim to believe in.

Just a month later, in March, the consequences of that decision became suddenly clear. After the U.S. and the world were plunged into crisis by a coronavirus that had no cure, the damage done by the president’s self-focused, self-dealing narcissism—his one true “ideology”—was finally visible. He led a federal response to the virus that was historically chaotic. The disappearance of the federal government was not a carefully planned transfer of power to the states, as some tried to claim, or a thoughtful decision to use the talents of private companies. This was the inevitable result of a three-year assault on professionalism, loyalty, competence, and patriotism. Tens of thousands of people have died, and the economy has been ruined.

Anne Applebaum: The rest of the world is laughing at Trump

This utter disaster was avoidable. If the Senate had removed the president by impeachment a month earlier; if the Cabinet had invoked the Twenty-Fifth Amendment as soon as Trump’s unfitness became clear; if the anonymous and off-the-record officials who knew of Trump’s incompetence had jointly warned the public; if they had not, instead, been so concerned about maintaining their proximity to power; if senators had not been scared of their donors; if Pence, Pompeo, and Barr had not believed that God had chosen them to play special roles in this “biblical moment”—if any of these things had gone differently, then thousands of deaths and a historic economic collapse might have been avoided.

The price of collaboration in America has already turned out to be extraordinarily high. And yet, the movement down the slippery slope continues, just as it did in so many occupied countries in the past. First Trump’s enablers accepted lies about the inauguration; now they accept terrible tragedy and the loss of American leadership in the world. Worse could follow. Come November, will they tolerate—even abet—an assault on the electoral system: open efforts to prevent postal voting, to shut polling stations, to scare people away from voting? Will they countenance violence, as the president’s social-media fans incite demonstrators to launch physical attacks on state and city officials?

Each violation of our Constitution and our civic peace gets absorbed, rationalized, and accepted by people who once upon a time knew better. If, following what is almost certain to be one of the ugliest elections in American history, Trump wins a second term, these people may well accept even worse. Unless, of course, they decide not to.

When I visited Marianne Birthler, she didn’t think it was interesting to talk about collaboration in East Germany, because everybody collaborated in East Germany. So I asked her about dissidence instead: When all of your friends, all of your teachers, and all of your employers are firmly behind the system, how do you find the courage to oppose it? In her answer, Birthler resisted the use of the word courage; just as people can adapt to corruption or immorality, she told me, they can slowly learn to object as well. The choice to become a dissident can easily be the result of “a number of small decisions that you take”—to absent yourself from the May Day parade, for example, or not to sing the words of the party hymn. And then, one day, you find yourself irrevocably on the other side. Often, this process involves role models. You see people whom you admire, and you want to be like them. It can even be “selfish.” “You want to do something for yourself,” Birthler said, “to respect yourself.”

For some people, the struggle is made easier by their upbringing. Marko Martin’s parents hated the East German regime, and so did he. His father was a conscientious objector, and so was he. As far back as the Weimar Republic, his great-grandparents had been part of the “anarcho-syndicalist” anti-Communist left; he had access to their books. In the 1980s, he refused to join the Free German Youth, the Communist youth organization, and as a result he could not go to university. He instead embarked on a vocational course, to train to be an electrician (after refusing to become a butcher). In his electrician-training classes, one of the other students pulled him aside and warned him, subtly, that the Stasi was collecting information on him: “It’s not necessary that you tell me all the things you have in mind.” He was eventually allowed to emigrate, in May 1989, just a few months before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

What would it take for Republican leaders to admit to themselves that Trump’s loyalty cult is destroying the country they claim to love?

In America we also have our Marianne Birthlers, our Marko Martins: people whose families taught them respect for the Constitution, who have faith in the rule of law, who believe in the importance of disinterested public service, who have values and role models from outside the world of the Trump administration. Over the past year, many such people have found the courage to stand up for what they believe. A few have been thrust into the limelight. Fiona Hill—an immigrant success story and a true believer in the American Constitution—was not afraid to testify at the House’s impeachment hearings, nor was she afraid to speak out against Republicans who were promulgating a false story of Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election. “This is a fictional narrative that has been perpetrated and propagated by the Russian security services themselves,” she said in her congressional testimony. “The unfortunate truth is that Russia was the foreign power that systematically attacked our democratic institutions in 2016.”

Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman—another immigrant success story and another true believer in the American Constitution—also found the courage, first to report on the president’s improper telephone call with his Ukrainian counterpart, which Vindman had heard as a member of the National Security Council, and then to speak publicly about it. In his testimony, he made explicit reference to the values of the American political system, so different from those in the place where he was born. “In Russia,” he said, “offering public testimony involving the president would surely cost me my life.” But as “an American citizen and public servant … I can live free of fear for mine and my family’s safety.” A few days after the Senate impeachment vote, Vindman was physically escorted out of the White House by representatives of a vengeful president who did not appreciate Vindman’s hymn to American patriotism—although retired Marine Corps General John Kelly, the president’s former chief of staff, apparently did. Vindman’s behavior, Kelly said in a speech a few days later, was “exactly what we teach them to do from cradle to grave. He went and told his boss what he just heard.”

Read: John Kelly finally lets loose on Trump

But both Hill and Vindman had some important advantages. Neither had to answer to voters, or to donors. Neither had prominent status in the Republican Party. What would it take, by contrast, for Pence or Pompeo to conclude that the president bears responsibility for a catastrophic health and economic crisis? What would it take for Republican senators to admit to themselves that Trump’s loyalty cult is destroying the country they claim to love? What would it take for their aides and subordinates to come to the same conclusion, to resign, and to campaign against the president? What would it take, in other words, for someone like Lindsey Graham to behave like Wolfgang Leonhard?

If, as Stanley Hoffmann wrote, the honest historian would have to speak of “collaborationisms,” because the phenomenon comes in so many variations, the same is true of dissidence, which should probably be described as “dissidences.” People can suddenly change their minds because of spontaneous intellectual revelations like the one Wolfgang Leonhard had when walking into his fancy nomenklatura dining room, with its white tablecloths and three-course meals. They can also be persuaded by outside events: rapid political changes, for example. Awareness that the regime had lost its legitimacy is part of what made Harald Jaeger, an obscure and until that moment completely loyal East German border guard, decide on the night of November 9, 1989, to lift the gates and let his fellow citizens walk through the Berlin Wall—a decision that led, over the next days and months, to the end of East Germany itself. Jaeger’s decision was not planned; it was a spontaneous response to the fearlessness of the crowd. “Their will was so great,” he said years later, of those demanding to cross into West Berlin, “there was no other alternative than to open the border.”

But these things are all intertwined, and not easy to disentangle. The personal, the political, the intellectual, and the historical combine differently within every human brain, and the outcomes can be unpredictable. Leonhard’s “sudden” revelation may have been building for years, perhaps since his mother’s arrest. Jaeger was moved by the grandeur of the historical moment on that night in November, but he also had more petty concerns: He was annoyed at his boss, who had not given him clear instructions about what to do.

Could some similar combination of the petty and the political ever convince Lindsey Graham that he has helped lead his country down a blind alley? Perhaps a personal experience could move him, a prod from someone who represents his former value system—an old Air Force buddy, say, whose life has been damaged by Trump’s reckless behavior, or a friend from his hometown. Perhaps it requires a mass political event: When the voters begin to turn, maybe Graham will turn with them, arguing, as Jaeger did, that “their will was so great … there was no other alternative.” At some point, after all, the calculus of conformism will begin to shift. It will become awkward and uncomfortable to continue supporting “Trump First,” especially as Americans suffer from the worst recession in living memory and die from the coronavirus in numbers higher than in much of the rest of the world.

Anne Applebaum: A study in leadership

Or perhaps the only antidote is time. In due course, historians will write the story of our era and draw lessons from it, just as we write the history of the 1930s, or of the 1940s. The Miłoszes and the Hoffmanns of the future will make their judgments with the clarity of hindsight. They will see, more clearly than we can, the path that led the U.S. into a historic loss of international influence, into economic catastrophe, into political chaos of a kind we haven’t experienced since the years leading up to the Civil War. Then maybe Graham—along with Pence, Pompeo, McConnell, and a whole host of lesser figures—will understand what he has enabled.

In the meantime, I leave anyone who has the bad luck to be in public life at this moment with a final thought from Władysław Bartoszewski, who was a member of the wartime Polish underground, a prisoner of both the Nazis and the Stalinists, and then, finally, the foreign minister in two Polish democratic governments. Late in his life—he lived to be 93—he summed up the philosophy that had guided him through all of these tumultuous political changes. It was not idealism that drove him, or big ideas, he said. It was this: Warto być przyzwoitym—“Just try to be decent.” Whether you were decent—that’s what will be remembered.

This article appears in the July/August 2020 print edition with the headline “The Collaborators.”

ANNE APPLEBAUM

is a staff writer at The Atlantic, a senior fellow of the Agora Institute at Johns Hopkins University, and the author of

Twilight of Democracy: The Seductive Lure of Authoritarianism

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hanzi83 · 5 years ago

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Probably the Longest Blog You Will Ever Read.. fuck it. Very Necessary Tho

Since I have not been constantly writing down my thoughts other than the occasional blog, that never seems to get any type of feedback, probably because no one is paying attention other than a few dedicated trolls, who I presume have been sent to fuck with my mental health, even if it is not true, the illusion of trying to implement some kind of devastating fear, and every time I decide to write a blog that expresses what is transpiring in my mind, it is met with no acknowledgement, and when it is acknowledged, it is the cult like trolls who will convert it to audio, so people will not bother to give me a click on where it is posted. I don’t know where this blog will particularly go since I never plan these out, and just write from the heart, and my will has not been into jotting down my thoughts, I still have point form notes on my phone dating back to last June about experiences and topics that have transpired, but for the most part it has mainly been me explaining how I think it is organized and wondering where it is all leading because it has meaning symbolically and how the seeds are planted, it has become clear since I stopped writing stuff down daily to get the frustration out of my system, that I have become exhausted mentally and can barely retain anything, whether it is reciting why capitalism is bad or if it means memorizing a movie or television show reference, mixed with how now to watch this entertainment that I have to read on the discourse about something not being woke enough, or if it something seems woke, then it just people pushing agendas, and then lesser known people expressing the fake wokeness that exists, and I just realize I am too stupid for this world so I just remain in the wrestling bubble, just like I began last decade.

I need to set this up because I am trying to think rationally as I write but I know in the middle of this blog, it will probably fall apart but it is a good thing that most people don’t take me serious, and I am not really on the masses radar, even though important people are constantly on the lookout for me, that is why my broadcasts on periscope are interrupted, my social media posts are practically shadow banned, my facebook lives are not giving out people notifications, so clearly they are trying to censor me, and it shows this is real censorship, not the marketing tool censorship where the masses are aware of the censorship at hand.

I have been writing blogs on a certain person on youtube, who has become completely unhinged, and then a group of people on the application periscope, that I feel have felt they did not get all of their use from me, so now are trying to align with people who have been waiting for anyone to have a mutual distaste, and what is weird is that I am this irrational and irrelevant mentally ill person they dismiss as just some delusional caller but these same people need to try to destroy any good that I try to create and try to bring me down so badly that I lash out with irrational anger that makes me want to go back to my ignorant ways after years of trying to deprogram myself since I was dumbed down majority of my life and fell for the ignorance, and because mental illness to the mainstream is just described as someone being sad, and not the fact that there are darker elements in mental illness people will not want to discuss, but rather they ignore it so when someone else is having a legit mental breakdown, they will pile on them all the while maintaining the “woke” points for addressing the stigma of mental illness, even if it means it is presented in such a limited way,

My trolls also realize that I have not been writing lately so they figure it will be easier for me to snap since they know I am not getting my thoughts out and the plan is for me to be piled on mentally so much, in such a pseudo intellectual way, that I will just snap and lose my mind and then the people paid to harass me can take the audio of me losing my mind and saying some hurtful shit to people encouraging a mentally ill person to go kill himself, and constantly hint that I will be targeted. It feels this aggressive trolling has begun on periscope when I was discussing these Howard Stern leaks, and it feels like we are at the precipice of Howard finally getting canceled because his past will come back to haunt him, so the person that will be of interest to people in the media might be me, and before that could happen these people need me out of the way. If my theories are correct, then these people could probably be sacrificed when they strike down on Howard’s image.

One of the other problems was that when I initially broadcasted on periscope, I would not really follow anyone and just broadcast while promoting it on twitter. Last summer, I got suspended on facebook and twitter and I decided to browse the app and see what kind of people are there. There were plethora of characters etc that existed and I have tried to become friendly with people, a lot of sex workers, musicians, gimmick personalities etc. It seems friendly but also if you browse by the random broadcasts you will see thumbnails of people I perceive to be young and I have to report because I feel people running periscope allow some type of exploitation on there that is truly disgusting, but overall it has been kind of a positive experience, and I am so full of low self esteem I have to constantly name drop I was part of an institution to present myself to stand out but also interview different walks of life and get some good discussions going on, and also because I feel Howard has a stake in periscope, again it is my theory I name drop to see if people who are there are kind of answer to him since I feel the elite use these apps to sell people, but I could be wrong but if I am wrong at least I make a friend out of it. It feels like people also get sent to me, and since I don’t have the resources to do background checks on people, I always wonder if the system is sending people who are not good people to be associated with me, so it damages my reputation further. Even when I talk to people on there, I have to ask their age because if they are not over 18 I have to dismiss them from talking to them because I don’t like talking about the content I talk about in front of people who are not of age, even though I can control who comes into my broadcasts and don’t interact.

So before I get accused of setting a narrative and speaking out like it is fact, I have to preface this by saying whatever I have written on here has been just my opinion, when I do my videos, I express my opinions and I might vent out of frustration because if I don’t express myself I will probably end up harming myself and I don’t want to do that and since I do feel bad and get to reflect when I say some evil shit when being pushed by people, others just want to cross the line and then pretend they never did anything negative while pointing out all my flaws. So I don’t know where to go with this because I am not intelligent enough to deal with the nuances of good storytelling, or maybe I am just underselling it.

This lady came to my scope last summer after people who have been trying to troll me for years were in there and immediately I did not take her seriously because she was presenting herself as an alien and she would full of mystery all while having this soothing voice. I always have my guard up and I do want good content, as long as the people in my periscope are willing to come up and talk etc. I am creating content, and hopefully I can try to move on to a podcast, but there are a lot of people who somehow have some investment in me without knowing and if I don’t move on their watch, they will then start showing their true selves eventually. I entertained this lady’s presence for a while but then when someone from her past came onto my panel when they called into my periscope, that alien schtick went down the tube and I laughed because as a wrestling fan it would be like if the Undertaker was confronted by someone in real life and then him immediately dropping the Dead Man character and freaked out. I was not aware of the drama scopers on this app, because apparently a lot of doxing goes on and organized harassment, basically what I have predicted in my own life, but I am kind of watching it play out to others and it is just completely fucked up.

There was another nice man I met on scope who I gelled well with when discussing stuff and even though we did not agree, he clearly has some resources and his full of encouragement when people want to go for their dreams and if he is cool with you he will help you out but because I was suspect of this alien lady who would not ever address any of my questions for her, and I did not want to talk to her in private because apparently she belongs to some former patriot groups, and when I hear that I can only imagine these can’t be good. It is one thing to have a conversation with someone who might not be politically correct, but I have learned some people who lean right are not as bad and are anti imperialistic, while others are just defensive of anything criticizing Trump. I feel with these conversations I am able to at least talk to someone who I don’t agree with politically and get them to deprogram themselves from the ignorant propaganda, the same shit I used to kind of fall for. This woman does not seem like a Trump supporter but she is an enigma because she will play the Jewish card but still associate with people who have been fucking with me and bothering me to join their podcast network, and these people are insanely racist and bigoted. This lady puts it all on me when she comes into my scopes, and her supposed harassers come in, and because some of them seem like they could be dangerous, I try not to rock the boat with more enemies, but as far as I know they have been nice to me, but then again my trolls do the same thing where they endear themselves to people I try to make friends with and when I flip out they will claim I am the one bothering them. I just kind of wish she would have stayed out of my lives, I even blocked her because she was becoming a disturbance in my sessions, but the nice guy I became friends with would always kind of vouch for her and I did not understand why. The only thing I could come up with, is the typical “Are these 2 fucking?” because I don’t understand how you could just know someone for a month or so and suddenly just become these great friends, I did eventually unblock her and tolerated her but she would kind of want me to have conviction in protecting her when I don’t even know her like that because she has not presented any proof of this happening

The fucked up thing is she claims to be someone that just observes but she is following all the trolls who have been following me nonstop, and these people have become extra aggressive since making new friends on this app, like they are lashing out about me not paying attention to them and having people of color on my panel since I did not know that there were so many black and brown people on the app. They then start saying I am so anti white because I rail against a white supremacist system and then they discredit me with rumors of me beating up a gay couple, or beating my mother. They create accounts where they take pictures of me and blacken it because they think I want to be black. They are doing deep fakes of me talking, and then leaving suspicious messages instilling fear about me being kidnapped and killed. They have a sub reddit dedicated to me, and then when I become rational enough to analyze their mental illness, because if I am so irrelevant and useless and such a drain on society, then why wouldn’t you do something better with their lives? The answer is they can’t, because as useless as I have been, these people are even more useless for the last several years and clearly need to latch onto me to exist, and because people end up having problems with me they all connect because of their mutual hatred for me, but the truth is none of them are interesting without me and they lack creativity.

The alien chick and the supposed innocent dude would be in these scopes with these people witnessing my meltdowns on the Stern Show and apparently questioning them is a big no-no so I assume they get the advice of these trolls who study me that if they are nice enough and I don’t fall for it, it can be easily pushed against me that this is what happens and this is why I was kicked off the Howard Stern Show. They try to be like Howard and Robin and try to dismantle your psyche. I did not trust this lady and I felt like the dude I was cool with was just going to take her side regardless and because I feel like she is hanging out with my trolls, and I figured she was recruiting me for some kind of cult or wanted to capitalize of any value I have so they could get some clout, even though I barely have it on the surface. I am going all over the map and kind of leaving some details out but overall these people she claims were bothering her came into my scope, but according to this innocent nice dude, these are legit gripes, and I am supposed to have some kind of conviction, but not them because they are associating with people who have made my life hell, and they dismiss my claims even though there is a legit thread I have made on twitter on my pinned tweets where you can see the supposed threats made to me.

So the innocent dude eventually blocks me because I had the gall to get mad that I was not trusting him because he was in this dude’s scope who is harassing me, I got tired of periscope so I started doing facebook lives, and then the cult of trolls would fuck with that too by people not getting notifications and there would not be many there and I was so set out on doing it with low views for the principal, because I know when you are supposed to be popping, you will have a plethora of views, and when they punish you they dumb them down, but either way it is all organized. I eventually go back to periscope in December, and the alien lady has choice words for me because that innocent dude had “helped” me and he did but there was something they weren’t telling me, like there was some hidden investment with me, and it set their plans back by me leaving periscope for a bit. She would give me more attitude, and honestly I would have preferred to speak to the dude, instead of this chick who I feel has brainwashed this dude. That is the way I see it, they will probably read this and get mad that I am presenting it as fact, but a lot of the videos are on my facebook public page and there have been a lot of witnesses who can attest that I am presenting the events truthfully mixed with me presenting my theories, whether they are valid to you or not, depending on how low the totem pole I am in social media.

(Blog continued 2 days after)

Now I have been out of practice from writing since I used to do it consistently in my life since 2007, and felt I had to make up for the anger I had years before, and I had a lot of deprogramming to do, it went from writing in notebooks and barely understanding what I was writing, or that I would have to write on my computer so I could read it back and maybe sustain some material for it so I could write a book of my irrational thoughts, but I scare myself with the anger I had and how my opinions would differ often and barely being able to retain shit, so sometimes I felt I would guess people were watching me and monitoring my computer so I would suspect different people and write things to test anyone and see what would prompt them to move my mouse so I know their presence is lurking digitally in some hacker like way.

Anyways, writing a blog has even drained me and I felt I was not aligning the stories well because I have been used to just talking more often on my platform than writing. I had to take a break from it and since the developments are breaking every single day I had to hold off and debate if I wanted to write a blog because it will seen as some act of social media war that will further encourage more harassment, that most people who have power and set the narratives can use to their advantage to further make me feel like a useless piece of shit, more so than already. If I vent, I am supposedly doing the woe is me gimmick, and constantly feeling sorry for myself, because I don’t want to hold in my irrational feelings or I will snap and maybe that is the wave right now.

So I did not bother to know where I left out because I am too lazy to read it so I will try to pick it up from where I left off and there is a good chance that I might repeat the same shit but at least if you are going to read this, I at least came up with an interesting angle of how to write a shitty blog that people will pretend does not exist, or maybe they just don’t know and I have to act like I am this important person being spied on.

I think it was from the time that I got blocked by this one guy from periscope, while he defends the alien lady. I know I should present names but if you been following it you already know the names, but I need to express this and I don’t want to be accused of putting their name out there and seeing as lying on their names, when I have explained ad nauseam that these are my theories, and no one ever listens to what I say and by people being scared people might believe me, it will contradict the whole thing of me being irrelevant and that maybe beneath the surface more people care about what I think.

I just feel when I took a break from periscope because I did not want to deal with more betrayal, at least from my perspective, do these trolls actually wish me harm or are they just testing me and toughening me up mentally and putting me through some shit, or these people are aligning with trolls who have tried to drive me insane by spreading rumors of me hitting my mother, or beating up a gay couple etc, and they put out misleading titles of what my periscope is about so when people do search my name, they will get these negative and untruthful shit at the top of google etc. That was my beef with these new people who wanted to be friends with me, but it seems like I am only supposed to take their safety seriously yet they will be following my trolls who have constantly pushed me to the brink of insanity and make me want to say some irrational shit that I will regret, because the system is so against me, if I irrationally talk shit and tell someone to do something horrible to themselves, they will suspend me. They push me to that so they can twist it into me being seen as threatening

I don’t know if the trolls have been aligned with these people from the beginning or do people approach anyone I make friends with and when I try to create some content with interesting discussion. The trolls hate me for not acknowledging them as much and because I have different people of different races/ethnicities/nationalities on and they spread this shit of me hating white people even though I talk about the systemic corruption and the grander white supremacy that exists on a pseudo intellectual type of way.

I took a month away from periscope, so my facebook lives would suffer when I would do decent numbers prior and suddenly I would be lucky if I would get 5 people in there but out of principle I would still do it and it would anger the trolls even more, because even though I was not broadcasting I was still being a guest on people’s periscope. They got it banned and I had to write a repeal on it and they gave it back. So it was like a test. I don’t know who helped do this but I eventually came back, and this time instead of dealing with the constant disturbance I would just block these trolls and not unblock them, because when I did, they would say I want the drama and want them to come in so when I become strict with it I then angered them even more and they will keep leaving cryptic messages on different troll accounts about them going to execute MK Ultra on me, or that they will kidnap me and that they are continuously watching me and monitoring me and showing so by knowing when I have therapy appointments etc.

It felt like this dude I met on periscope who really helped me for a bit, and this alien lady really wanted to teach me a lesson and maybe fuck with my head but overtly finding all the trolls, when there are people I roll with who have discussions with people who might seem more conservative, and I will have discussions and not budge from my point of view while still having the discussion, and some people I can get through but some have their minds made up on believing Trump is actually anti establishment and I can’t deal with it. So there was these 2 black dudes I have conversations with and enjoy their scopes, but they are constantly getting harassed by a lot of white people or people with Zionist leaning ideals and harass black people for not wanting to give them the time of day and think they are entitled to these people’s time. So when one of the guys lost account after account for defending himself, he had a enough and I shared his scope, because when he comes back with a new account I share it so more people can see it but the guy had a periscope saying “Jew Jokes’ not the best title, but he was trying to get at these Zionists fucking with him, and he even cleared it up that he is just doing that for that purpose, because he was pissed, the other guy, who loses account after account, wanted to troll with someone black in Nazi fatigue, and I expressed concern with it and he was just so pissed about being banned and I had to approach him privately and explain that even though I know what he is doing it is wrong to do it because it feels like you are cosigning some white supremacist shit, and it that people try to discredit black people a lot, that it gives the Zionist more ammo because ultimately it won’t matter if they did racist shit first, it will be all put on the black dudes. So this alien lady, who often tells me that the people harassing her are anti Semites, and I don’t hang around them enough to know, they only come in when the alien lady comes on my scope, and I am expected to just block them, when she won’t even unfollow the trolls harassing me. She starts this campaign that I am hanging out with anti Semites and she seems to dismiss what others are going through, while she is hanging out with anti Muslim type of people who also say anti Semitic shit and actual real generalizations. That is why I hate generalizations and specify Zionism, even though they are starting to say that Zionism and Jewish is the same. The guy I talked to privately was thankful for my advice, because he was so irrationally angry he wanted to do something to upset them, because he is constantly being called the N word and having money taken off his table by getting his broadcasts suspended and making people rebuild.

So this is when I was like I had enough of this shit because it hurt me to know this dude I met on periscope who became friends with will defend this chick for some reason. Why does she get to follow all these people who are often anti Black and anti Muslim? I don’t even know where this is going but if these people are aligning with my trolls, and they are actually trying to do harm to me, because they want me on their playing field where all my trolls are, and think I am using them for entertainment on my platform, which is what the app is for, but when something organic is to be discussed I don’t mind that, but they wanted me in their platform because it supposedly was not for entertainment while all these people in there are guilty of putting fear and severe paranoia in me.

The trolls will constantly try to pretend they turned a new leaf and that they are done harassing me but will still have sub reddits trying to dox me, or mislead with the titles to paint me in a bad light, and the stuff they claim I am saying that is fucked up when I am angry is what made them fans of me on the Stern Show, while probably being associated with people like that dude Jimmernam, who has probably been behind the attacks as well.

Jimmernam has become much more unhinged and he has started to fucking with the True Crime community because everything else has fallen apart and since he pissed off his old crew so much and has done so much fucking damage in people’s lives, wherever he goes to endear himself and then destroy it because that is what he does, he has done it to some poor woman named Limonade. I was done after the summer where I wrote the blog and believing that there are lies about him being a child groomer, and how he has changed from the old guy, but he has that venom in him and he is still full of lies. He hates me for not cosigning his show the first time and not believing his sob story and how he tried to use Wendy to gain sympathy, and then people expected that she was taking her donations to give to him, and he would play dumb about giving it back and change the topic. He even caused a beef with me and that Ross Dawg guy, because he knew I was protective of Wendy so he would get her to say different people are bothering her so I would be insanely angry about it, and it almost started something ugly because even though I don’t like the general way Stern has trained the public to talk to Wendy, I have to understand she is used to that and she gravitates towards that kind of thing and I don’t want to feel she can’t have fun and joke like normal with people etc. So when he fucked with this Limonade chick, I really felt for it and it was like a united front with people who I did not see eye to eye with, to help this woman against Jimmer, who turned her friends against her, constantly doxing her, and her family, and putting out threats within 12 hour streams, all while taking over her community of True Crime and wanting to be the number one guy in town. And the sycophants have become a lot worse, I don’t know how he has convinced these many people to help him and be completely blinded by his tactics, and the ones who are standing up for themselves as doing dirty tactics, when it is not nearly on the same level, and it is being done out of self defense. I don’t agree with everything people say on the panel, but I have enjoyed discussion I have had with certain people because without being this preachy SJW, I try to teach people that the shock jock type of humor is not really the edgiest and it doesn’t mean it can’t be funny but I would rather have people agree with me with systemic shit, and let them do their shock jock style of humor, but Jimmernam’s crew will take stuff and make videos to discredit any type of criticism towards him and create false narratives about him. It feels like what he pretends he is going through, he actually does it to me, so it sounds like me and him are kind of the same, but this guy copies everything, Howard Stern’s personality, Bill Burr generic whit woman voice, NBA commentators closing tags and even channels Chris Jericho by calling himself Le Champion. When he sees that this woman has backup, he will try to get in on the Stream Yard link and claim he wants to talk when he just wants to insult her and project things on to her and questioning her parenting and her divorce, when he is the guy who can’t see his kids because of the shit he is doing. He will send his teenage audience into this woman’s streams and then make videos of how she is grooming him, when he is the one who has had a kid audience and played adult content for them and constantly bringing up how people are calling him a pedophile because he let a kid in his discord in 2018 and it had porn in it, and he will claim the videos of him are being edited, when it is not and that is him. He lost his mind when he lost that reddit money, so now he has just become a lot bitterer and he is threatening me and others.

He did not like that I was on her panel and making new alliances and friendships, especially with people I didn’t think I liked before because I assumed they were just doing ignorant shock jock humor when they are a lot more deeper about their discussions. Now Jimmer did not like that and it gave me confidence to stand up to him seeing how this Limonade chick was standing up to him, even though she has been getting a lot of shit on her from her former friends, one of which is a gay guy who seems so scared he just hangs out with Jimmer, and Jimmer has constantly been kind of homophobic and does not regret any of the hurtful things he has said to people, It feels like that Kitty chick, who he doxxed when she did not have his back, is back with him time to time, even though she is good at hiding her role in doing any dirt, so as far as I know she has nothing to do with this, but it feels like if they want to make money in a field and continuously create drama, they will. I could be wrong though. It felt for a while that he was going to get caught for what he is doing, but he just comes back more confident and making some threats and dedicating streams to putting out private information, and it seems youtube does not want to do anything. He does not like that I aligned with this woman to give her support about what he has been doing, and I did it because maybe if people in that community did not believe the others who are informing these people about the past of this guy and to watch out for him, I would have more credibility since I am a former celebrity essentially and since we in society value someone who seems to have greater value unfortunately because of how “famous’ they are, I thought I would put it for good use, and now Jimmernam aka Misery Box has threatened to come after me, which is aligning with the original trolls who are now constantly bothering me and sending people to my scopes, and maybe get shady people to befriend me so I will be associated with someone I don’t know well. I don’t have the resources to do background checks, I kind of assume if this person is just roaming around I want to believe they are not all scumbags, even if they put on a false bravado of being anti PC, they are buying into ignorance,

So this all ties into the alien lady because she followed me when one of the guys who has power with the app came into my scope, and since I blocked her he and the trolls have become a lot more aggressive, but I also know that these people are associated with Jimmernam, and these people seem hella racist, and bigoted, and this alien lady keeps making it seem like I am the one rolling with racists, while she is claiming to be someone with special powers who can put people into rehabilitation, so maybe she is someone special and I don’t realize it. I am having a hard time understanding what is going on because there is another guy involved who she calls my producer, who started out as a troll, but he and I have gotten a long, but sometimes I wonder since he had a friendship with her and that other dude I met on scope, he has kind of seem iffy by wanting me in their clique and to believe them, but when I don’t give in, he will be on my side, but then the lady will tell me he is the one that is stirring all of this up.

I realize by not giving specific names, I may be confusing people, but keep in mind that no one gives a fuck about these stupid blogs but I did an outlet to write about it and the more I write, I just fucking shake my head how I am so bad at explaining all of this and what makes it worse is that you can’t keep up with people who I am referring to other than a few people. The trolls will be so much more outward aggressively with admitting they want me to kill myself and encourage me to take pills, and what hurts about this, what if I am not the only one these people do it to, and how many people who have killed themselves have dealt with targeted harassment. So while I am tougher mentally than a lot of others, I can take it, even though it hurts my fucking soul, because these people can be protected and say the worst shit and do the worst shit and me standing up for myself is what is magnified because I am supposed to be the better person, even though people want to pile on me and making me a miserable person.

When I separated with the dude and the lady, I figured they would get mad at the fact I am moving forward so they have to try and show up in different scopes I am in and maybe tell people to come and be spies for them. So sometimes when I am hurt about how my friendship with this dude was from the summer, I might be irrational and talk shit and I do this knowing he will hear about it, and he will act like I am talking shit about him, and he will say he does not want part of drama, but he is still monitoring me, and because I am not giving in, this is all I suspect in a theory not fact, that they need to start with me but look like the rationalized ones. I was willing to make peace but because they dismiss what I am going through and claim that I am endangering this lady because she insists on observing my scopes, but hates that her followers are there, like it is my problem, I don’t encourage hatred toward her and continued harassment. I might talk shit about her when she makes my broadcast about her, but she will claim she finds it funny or whatever, but when it is convenient she will then use it as a prime example of why I am an asshole.

Last weekend we had a blow up where I was on her scope with the trolls, who are aligned with Jimmernam, and the dude I was friends with who does good community work, who seems to have conviction, because he did end his friendship with people who treated Wendy like shit, which is admirable but all I did was bring up is that he is careful of his image but he is hanging out and following trolls who might be aligned with someone who might be grooming children, I did not say that he is the one who is a child predator or anything but I can understand why he is mad, but I am making a point that I am getting hated on for people I don’t want to fuck with and get doxxed by, because I let them in my periscope but not following them while he and this alien lady are following someone like this account Gorilla Bacon, who will restream my shit and play my worst calls. Sometimes I don’t know if these people are actual fans and they are just toughening me up or if these people are punishing me and becoming more aggressive because it is their job to get me out of the way before Howard ends up getting canceled when his past and his potential corruption might be brought to light.

These trolls don’t realize that the only reason people are aligning with them is because they all have mutual hatred for me. It could be anyone, it could be this dude on periscope, the alien lady, the trolls, Jimmernam and his kid army, or maybe people in my life who probably hate me. Either way their lives are all better than me and yet they need to make me feel like shit and rub it in my face I am on welfare, like this was not the plan from the system, because there are different rules in this world, and they blacklist me from making a living anywhere else so they can say I am not trying to monetize anything because I am not doing it on their time.

Any chance for anything embarrassing they will run with. Here is an example, if I say something that might be about agendas by the upper echelon of the LGBTQ, they will say homophobia but then if I say that I would consider having sex with a post op Trans woman, then they will mock me for it like they are homophobic. They will say the most racist shit against Muslim women or black people, and then a story comes out from someone as a joke about how I asked a Muslim woman out because we both live in Toronto, and she is a cool chick who has a good sense of humor, she asks me how much I will pay for her and where I will take her and I am willing to pay for something small on first date because it is about getting to know each other but I believe if we should pay our own shit on the first date, but she jokingly said I need to spend more money and I said “I will spend 50 bucks at most” and when I was given the option of over 100, I said “For that kind of money I better be getting laid” but I did not mean it literally because it was my way of conveying that it is ridiculous to expect a man to pay so much on a first date to get to know each other, just like it is ridiculous for me to expect sex on the first night. But the trolls ran with it and said that I am harassing a woman so it becomes a top google search when you look me up. It feels they are amplifying it because if Stern does get exposed, and I am someone who has been a prime target for calling him out, then when the general public looks me up, they will see these false narratives about me, and that is why it hurts to see these people who I thought were good, to align with these trolls who are doing it, and because they are not getting the shit they wanted out of me, they will have no issues to act like I am this dangerous human being who is lying and causing all this pain, and that won’t work. You will not point out at me and discredit me, because I am such an easy target who has no backup.

No media outlet even gives a fuck and it is sickens me because it will continue and it feels like they will only care until something horrible happens to me so then they can pretend they give a fuck about the situation, kind of like they are what they claim the MSM is and maybe someone is investigating and I am wrong but it feels like the worst possible shit has to happen in order for it to be exposed. You know how fucked up that is? It is like no matter what people have to profit off the pain and it shows that all these things are predetermined and will have solutions after the fact. It does not matter and I wrote this in 2 parts and made it this long because I hope if you are reading this, I hope you got a headache from reading all this convoluted mess of an explanation. I know most of you will not get through it all so you might as well put it on vocaroo to so you can get through it easier. Make sure you set it on some stereotypical accent.

I wrote this part with the fact that lately it has been more peaceful but when I was given the choice of not wanting this lady in my scope or wanting her out of my life, they did not take it kindly because if I gave in then I wanted her in my life, but by saying no because she has fucked with me too much and changed the narrative on me to paint me as the bad guy because she couldn’t make me fall for her spell, like she seems to have on other people, she is now coming into scopes of other people I have met and is kind of trying to poach them from partaking in my lives, and now she is coming back to my scope and pretends she is just automatically being put there and that the whole ambush on me on her scope was just comedy, Now that I let her back on, she will twist that, and say I forced her to be put on.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore. I will close with this, that if you are someone of importance and power, you need to check in on this Misery Box guy and what kind of fucked up shit he has convinced his people to do. He has ensured that I will not go on that Limonade chick’s panel because he has threatened me and encouraged me to kill myself, and tell me how my parents don’t love me because I am such a disappointment, even threats of doxing them when people are not well, and I have tried to document this, if you go to my twitter page and look at the pinned tweet where I show old audio of Howard in 97 jokingly threatening the media if they fucked with him he would have dossiers on them to ruin their lives, and in that thread I have documented some of the cryptic videos, and threats of something happening to me, and it just does not matter anymore. I don’t know if the alien lady has anything to do with him but she is allowing some of the people she is associated with.

By the way on a scope where this bigoted guy who I hate was threatening to kill myself because his periscope girl friend cheated on him. Even though I hate the guy for how fucked up he is and feels no remorse I don’t like seeing anyone lose their mind, but he was one of the guys who I used as an example of the alien lady being friends with, who constantly says racist shit when she would point out because I shared the scope of the black atheist dude who was being harassed by Zionists, and now being labeled an anti Semite. So I called into the guy’s scope to see if he was for real and if he was fine, and if this situation was so real, that alien lady chose the time where he was threatening to kill himself and people, to come and tell me it was my fault and that I don’t care. She has no problem with just blaming me flat out and just making up lies, and then act like she is a victim afterwards if I point out her bullshit. It has become such a fucking mess. I don’t even know what this blog will accomplish. I am trying to move forward and it feels these trolls will not allow me, and they have me in a constant state of fear and paranoia, and when I explain myself they will even make more of a mockery because of it. It is so fucking gross and sick.

#Hanzi 2020 Illuminati Periscope Alien Lady Friends Jimmernam Misery Box Howard Stern Show Misery Box Targeted Harassment Suicide Paranoia #Zionism Racism Jewish Black Muslim Convoluted Mess Laziness Mental Depression Illness threats Dox MiseryBox

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johnson614610616-blog · 5 years ago

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Secular Renaissance Music

The effect completely different genres of music can have in your thoughts, body, and neighborhood. Then there is promoting. Bossa nova - Portuguese for "new wave" - gained forex, in line with Brazilian music historian Ruy Castro, when it appeared in an advert for a 1958 multi-artist live performance put on by Grupo Universitário Hebraico do Brasil. World music was hashed out in 1987 at an business meeting. It was meant only for www.goodreads.com a quick advertising and marketing campaign to pump non-Anglophone musicians in retail spaces they may not in any other case fit into, solely to remain an acknowledged, if unwieldy, category. Radio formats generally impose themselves on the music. AOR is a US abbreviation for "album-oriented radio" (later "rock") coined in 1972 by Lee Abrams and Kent Burkhart's consultancy agency for the FM rock radio stations that may outline extremely-slick center-American rock: Styx, Boston , Aerosmith. In practise, it often translates to "definitively pre-punk".

Hip-hop emerged in the Nineteen Seventies and ‘80s in response to conservative government insurance policies that created a poverty disaster within the interior metropolis. Hip-Hop eliminated the melodic and harmonic elements of earlier musical types and targeted instead on rhythm and vocals to create a totally new musical fashion. Though it was a singular new musical type, Hip-Hop nonetheless had a strong hyperlink to the African oral custom with its fast wordplay, complicated rhyming, and storytelling strategies. Rappers used this new musical fashion to call attention to the internal-metropolis plight, criticize political figures, categorical ambitions, and promote themselves (Sullivan, 2001)." Like older musical styles, Hip-Hop served to present African Americans a voice in a tradition of oppression, in addition to to create cultural ties between individuals inside the African American community. In the highlands of Tibet, for centuries, it was commonplace for farmers to sing a particular type of track to their yaks. The melodies had been intended to coax the yaks to supply extra milk, praising the sheen of their coats and the great thing about their horns. The actual combination of tones was mentioned to have particular powers to chill out the yaks and get the milk flowing. As we speak, solely a handful of outdated-timers nonetheless remember these songs; youthful herders merely don't be taught the music, distracted by the pop songs coming in over the radio. And when the previous-timers die, more than likely the songs will die as effectively.

Setting a different precedent, Friedrich Nietzsche's views on music are a byproduct of his basic philosophy of tradition. Nietzsche initially defends the prevalence of certain strains of European classical music. He praises composers whose irrational genius provides the Dionysian energy wanted to correct the rational excesses of European tradition. Nietzsche finally reverses himself. In an extended assault on Richard Wagner's operas, he rejects the continuing worth of the great" fashion that characterizes artwork music. In what quantities to a reversal of Kantian aesthetic priorities, Nietzsche praises Georges Bizet's broadly in style opera Carmen (1875) for its triviality and simplicity (see Sweeney-Turner). Nevertheless, most philosophers ignore Nietzsche's protection of sunshine" music. Usually, many people imagine musical preferences reflect characteristics such as age , character , and values A 2003 study published in the Journal of Persona and Social Psychology discovered people who find themselves open to new experiences tend to favor music from the blues, jazz, classical, and folks genres. Those who are extraverted and agreeable" are inclined to prefer music akin to pop, soundtrack, spiritual, soul, funk, digital, and www.audio-transcoder.com dance. While these studies prove personality does affect musical tastes, Rentfrow and his colleagues on the University of Cambridge within the UK are curious as to whether there are other psychological mechanisms that come into play with regards to musical desire. When information or an expertise includes a range of senses, it is firing off a variety of electrical and chemical brain triggers. The extra triggers fired, the stronger the quick notion is, and the more seemingly the knowledge or expertise will transfer from our sensory notion into our quick-term reminiscence. That is one cause why it is easier to remember the lyrics of a track than to recite a poem. And it is why we do better remembering music lyrics if we hear the music playing - even if just in our heads. Our mind is retrieving a wide range of sensory cues. There are many different types of jazz dance, every with its own traits and influences. On the whole though, jazz dance has at all times been associated with fashionable tradition and it has changed over time in parallel with the music and kinds of standard leisure. Presently, many alternative types coexist, as well as various degrees of fusion with other genres. Some important figures in the historical past of jazz dance are Katherine Dunham, who reinforced the connection between jazz dance and its African origins; Bob Fosse extremely influential determine within the growth of dance in films, and Matt Mattox , who developed his own technique based on ballet training. The L.A. beat scene never really gets sufficient shine for its affect on future bass — however scan the playlists of most future bass DJs and also you're more likely to discover more than a few tracks from Brainfeeder, New Los Angeles, WeDidIt and different Low Finish Idea-affiliated imprints. Among the artists on these labels, the one whose music provides the clearest hyperlink between the beat scene and future bass is WeDidIt's RL Grime, who found his own again door More suggestions into the scene by juxtaposing pretty, almost ethereal melodies and pitch-shifted vocals with hard-hitting, trap-influenced beats as far back as 2011, when he was known as Clockwork. At the moment, impeccably produced, anthemic tracks like his recent "Reims" point the best way toward future bass's, um, future. XXXTentacion, 20 YouTube subscribers: 10.6 million SoundCloud followers: 2.6 million Instagram followers: 14.3 million Launched his first tune on SoundCloud in 2013 after spending time in a Florida youth correction centre. Called rap's most controversial man" by Spin magazine, he was recognized for his downbeat lyrics and quite a few brushes with the regulation and feuds with other artists, together with Drake. After being murdered in a theft on June 18, 2018, his single Unhappy! went to primary on the Billboard Sizzling 100. Rolling Stone journal mentioned he left behind a huge music footprint".

However the recipe to your Discover Weekly playlist is much more sophisticated than that. Spotify also creates a profile of each user's individualized style in music, grouped into clusters of artists and micro-genres—not simply rock" and rap" but wonderful-grained distinctions like synthpop" and southern soul." These are derived utilizing know-how from Echo Nest, a music analytics agency that Spotify acquired in 2014, which learns about rising genres by having machines learn music sites and analyze how varied artists are described.

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gofancyninjaworld · 7 years ago

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OPM Chapter 93 Thoughts

<20 in bold at the end.

It goes without saying that if you've not read this chapter yet, you probably shouldn't read this!

Typeset: https://imgur.com/a/cuCBt76

Youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AopCejGDKMg

The ART!

If there’s only one thing I’d declare my love for, it’d have to be the art. It brought the characters and the sense of place to life in a way I’ve not yet seen in One-Punch Man.

This chapter round, Murata did not pour his energy into elaborate backgrounds or spectacular scenes. His assistants did wonderfully at the backgrounds, particularly in showing the dereliction of City Z. So you'd think this chapter would be quick and easy to knock out? NO. WAY. Murata poured his art into detailing and delineating characters, bringing their very souls to life as we've rarely seen before. So many characters, both familiar and new. Along with the incredible character interaction, this chapter has been a real treat for the eyes as well as the mind.

More thoughts still under the cut!

Chapter Theme: You Can't Escape the Pressure

Everyone is under pressure. It's on everyone, both that imposed by the external circumstances and that imposed on themselves by the characters. So much of the ugliness we see in the S-Class meeting comes from that pressure. I'll deal with Fubuki, Bang, King and Genos separately.

The collective pressure to prove themselves is on the support heroes. While they may be the support, their role is just as crucial and their objectives are many -- containing any escaping monsters, clearing an escape route and making sure that Waganma is escorted to safety. OneShotter definitely feels the toughness of the assignment while Needle Star focusses on the other side of the pressure: the potential reward of promotion.

Even at the top, the pressure is intense. If anything it's worse. Being based in A-City, the executives have to look at the results of their failure every single day, at the still-raw lunar landscape that used to be most of A-City. Metal Knight didn't even bother trying to fill in the larger craters, but just built road bridges over them. Sekingal may be ambitious but he has earned Sicchi's respect for not merely being the guy in the suit who sits back in relative safety while sending heroes to their doom. He's going to be there with them -- he's tied not just his reputation and career trajectory to the success of the mission, but his very life.

I don't think many people would begrudge Sekingal his ambition nor any of the support heroes for being politically shrewd in their desire for promotion. They're doing the work and taking the risks, why shouldn't they make sure to get their reward? It's people who use politicking as a substitute for doing the good work whom we object to.

Wanted: Leadership and Unity

ONE has long had a special dislike for experts without actual expertise. One of his early cameo characters was a Mr. Nanmoshirane (Mr. I don’t know) who was a pundit making useless pronouncements on the mosquitoes that had appeared over City Z. So, why is a ten year old in charge of S-Class? Because he's the best at the job and has lots ofleadership experience? HA, not a bit of it! It's because he's clever (technologically), is available, and is the only one who will speak up.

Unfortunately, Child Emperor hasn't got the personal authority to shut down dissent and is having to rely on mollifying the egos of the other heroes to keep them all on side and focussed on the threat in front of them. To watch the clash of titanic egos as they try to work out how best to approach the Monster Association raid is to feel for Child Emperor. But he manages.

And then Sweet Mask appears. As a deeply disliked and barely respected hero, his presence is unwelcome in the first instance and his insistence in not just joining the strike team but leading it started to create an ugly situation.

Watching the S-Class meeting nearly implode into bloodshed, all I can think is with allies like this, who needs enemies? It's evident that no matter how talented the individuals are, without a sense of shared purpose around which they can rally and actual strong leadership, they're going to be easily working at cross-purposes to one another.

Fubuki: The Power of Spite

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? I guess Shakespeare knows what he's talking about -- here comes Miss Blizzard and she's looking to raise hell, both with the Monster Association and with her sister.

So much of her anger is not for the monster, Do-S, who brainwashed her group. After all, Do-S is a monster -- that's what monsters do. It's for Tatsumaki, who seriously hurt the members of her group and who has now had her dismissed without so much as a say. That's what she cannot forgive. She's taking them both on, both on a personal level and on the behalf of the group of heroes and compatriots she loves and nurtures.

While it's hilarious that she thinks of Saitama's group as her 'new' Fubuki group and is outraged at how completely she's ignored, her astuteness cannot be faulted.

Go Blizzard!

Bang: A Shabby Way to Treat a Good Man

I salute Bang's sense of responsibility in coming all the way out to A-City in order to find out what is going on, since the loss of his communicator has meant that he has no way to keep abreast of the situation. Watching Sicchi lie to Bang's face was just painful.

It's shocking how quickly narratives grow up around events. Sicchi may have defended Bang staunchly to the other executives, but he's asking if Bang let Garou go. Even Bomb is questioning Bang over it. And Bomb was there! You see how deeply this hurts Bang.

And yet, even now, Bang hasn't given up on Garou. He's jumped at the chance to 'accompany' King as he puts it in order to fulfil his duty to apprehend Garou. Maybe even to save him if he still can.

King: The Paper Tiger Becomes a Cardboard Tiger

King running away only to get himself deeper into trouble is nothing new, although it's wonderfully done here. His accidentally defusing the S-Class meeting's tension was absolutely stellar timing. And how freaky is it that even through several walls, Zombieman can hear the King engine?

However, what's new is that King can be mighty brave... so long as it's from behind Saitama. Watching King dying inside even as he puts on a brave face and says brave-sounding things has been quite the edifying development. He so wasn't counting on being bundled off to the Monster Association like a secret weapon though. Being deferred to and consulted by the other heroes was terrifying enough. The out-of-body experience he was having at the end is one for the ages. :D

You Wait Forever For A Cyborg And Then Three Come At Once

Conventional wisdom is that a cyborg is hard to kill. Defeat one, sure. Kill one, that takes some dedication. Accordingly, we see the return of Jet Nice Guy, phew! His backstory is that he won the lottery, then used his winnings on buying body modification surgery -- I'm glad they were good enough to keep him alive and that he's still got enough money (and enough desire) to return to hero work, looking better than ever. Learning that Drive Knight is also a cyborg has been awesome. Finally the question of what Drive Knight is has been settled, although the clues have been there for a while, mostly in Murata's art spreads, one of which shows him eating noodles through his mouth grille and another that shows him lounging in the swimming pool with a snorkel. His cyborg nature is why the rest of the S-Class are hoping that he may yet be alive, even if he's incapacitated.

I hope that we get to see what Jet Nice Guy and Drive Knight do. I hope the conventional wisdom isn't tested too hard!

As to the cyborg we know best, Genos, he has has gone dragon-crazy. [That said, his enabler-in-chief, Dr. Kuseno, has no right to say that it is Genos who is reckless: there's a bit of the devil in the old man too, what with putting such a badly-balanced build together for him.] I think I see the rational side of why Genos is gunning for dragon-level monsters so hard. As far as he's concerned, they're just a stepping stone in his path to strength -- huge, treacherous, bitey stepping stones, but stepping stones nonetheless. But they're rare monsters. If one pops up, it'll be assigned to Tatsumaki or a group of well-tested S-Class heroes. As a new guy who is still building his track record, Genos has no chance of being assigned one, not even to support another hero.

The conservative way to become a dragon-slayer is to painstakingly grind away, improving his proficiency with demon-level monsters until the HA is so confident in his ability to deal with them that they'd consider briefing him on joining other S-Class heroes to deal with a dragon-level threat. That'll take weeks. Genos is a little less... patient.

The Monster Association is the only place where he's guaranteed a crack at them. There are five main possible outcomes.

A: He gets killed or crippled (the scenario that literally keeps Dr. Kuseno awake). It is a risk that exists regardless of what he does -- monsters target even the most peaceable civilians. As a hero, Genos has a great big target on his back anyway.

B: He gets beaten down without taking out any dragons. Here's the thing: at the very least he's no worse off than beforeand he gets invaluable battle data to build up on. The data will help to sort between changes and strategies that were never going to work and those that might yet work with some improvement.

C: He gets beaten down but kills or critically injures at least one dragon. He gains that invaluable battle data plus a basis on which to consolidate gains. Gets a promotion to around S-10 (more likely rank 10 - 12)

D: He doesn't get beaten down and kills or critically injures at least one dragon. He can work on using data and experience to further refine the fighting platform. Gets promotion to well within top ten and to ask Saitama for his next assignment.

E: He doesn't get beaten down but doesn't take down any dragons, either. This scenario will have Dr. Kuseno sigh in relief, but it's the only really bad outcome from his perspective. He's lost data and the chance to tackle such monsters. He'll have to grind like mad and hope for another lucky break.

I rate the likelihoods of the various scenarios as A - 0%; (ONE isn't about to kill Genos over this fight), B - 60%; (no change from webcomic), C - 39%; (it's a big step up and still respects what happens in the webcomic), D - 1%; (in that case the first half of chapter 108 is redundant) and E - 0%; (don't worry boy, here be lots of dragons).

Rounding up

This may have been a set up chapter, but it was anything but uneventful. 32 people are responding to what is for most, the greatest challenge they've yet faced. Okay, one of them is Saitama and he's just wandering around oblivious to the import of anything.

I can't wait for the fights, when we see all the tensions and motivations explode into action.

<20: The keg is full of dynamite, and the fuse is lit. Bring on the explosion!

#OPM #Genos #Fubuki #Bang #King #manga chapter #meta #S-Class heroes

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fullmetalirin · 6 years ago

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Fullmetal Alchemist: Return to Liore (OG 39-42)

I've gotten tired of the slow pacing. We're covering the whole Liore arc in one go!

Fullmetal Alchemist Episode 39: "Secret of Ishbal"

On the train ride to a military base near Lior, Mustang is dismayed to discover that Kimblee is a part of the force and has been reinstated as a state alchemist by Archer, who has been promoted to Colonel for this operation. The Elrics and Marta arrive in Ishbal, and are surprised to find that only ruins remain. There, they discover that 2nd Lts. Breda and Havoc have been spying on them, and they are brought to Mustang, who puts the Elric brothers under his supervision. At dinner, Mustang shows Ed an aerial view of Lior, which reveals that Scar, who has been dragging a giant rock around the city, gouging the earth, is creating a giant Grand Arcanum transmutation circle, which upsets Ed. Ed then goes to Colonel Archer and asks to go undercover into Lior to investigate the area for the military. Archer agrees on the condition that Al is left behind so Ed does not have the will to "go AWOL". He then leaves after giving Armstrong his silver pocket watch.

Winry doesn't want to tell Ross and Brosh any details, just vaguing that something's up with the military. Is she afraid they'll be targeted if they know?

Cartoonface when Winry tells Sheska she'll have to leave her books. I feel like Winry is carrying the plot okay, but Sheska is really dragging her down with all the awkward comedy.

Cartoonface with Al when Martel pulls a knife on Ed. Not the time.

Martel is okay with Ed killing Greed because she figured he wanted to die. That's a bit convenient.

Martel makes a quip about eating snakes being cannabilism, which is a little clever.

There's a short gag when Martel is offended when Ed calls her old. Not necessary.

We see the animals the chimeras were fused with during the flashback.

I'm not sure what Martel's reveal adds, honestly? The official inciting event was already orchestrated by Envy, if memory serves. The reveal that they incited Ishbal with an earlier attack seems redundant, and also a lot less meaningful than a single small action causing this huge avalanche.

Archer actually moves for his gun during Ed's obligatory shortness freakout gag.

Ed is hogging all the food when they eat.

Ed confronts Mustang over hiding Liore's situation from him. He feels responsible, but Mustang said he'd get too emotional.

Ed meets the bartender from the first episode when he returns to Liore. We end with Lust and Gluttony overlooking the area as they did in episode 2, before Ed runs into Scar. Meanwhile, Martel sees Kimblee and attacks him. Double cliffhanger!

I will admit that the leadup to this seemed pretty pointless – if it's common knowledge that Ishbal is in ruins, why are the Elrics surprised, and what did they expect to find there? The driving question of the past few episodes ends up leading nowhere. If the real action was taking place in Liore, the plot should have taken them there sooner. Still, things are starting to move again. I'm particularly liking that we're finally getting teeth to the threat that Ed will be forced to serve the military in the event of another Ishbal.

Fullmetal Alchemist Episode 40: "The Scar"

After arriving in Lior, Ed finds his old acquaintance Rosé, who is now called "Holy Mother" and unable to speak. He also runs into Scar, and the two of them begin battling in an alley, to be interrupted by Lust and Gluttony. Al and Marta are shocked to find Kimblee at the military base, and Marta, acting out of rage, attacks Kimblee, and after a failed attempt to injure Marta by sacrificing a soldier, Kimblee finds himself fighting Al, who is protecting Marta. The battle is broken up by Mustang. Scar reveals his past to Ed, at the insistence of Rosé and Lyra, who is acting as Rosé's voice. Before the war, Scar's brother lost his fiance due to a fatal illness, and tried to use alchemy to bring her back, but instead created Lust. His brother then went on to create the Philosopher's Stone, and it is revealed where Scar's tattooed arm comes from, and the X-shaped scar on his face. He then reveals his plans to use the Grand Arcanum to create another Philosopher's Stone, but not by sacrificing the people of Lior, but by sacrificing the soldiers of the military. Führer Bradley arrives at the military base, and has a private conversation with Kimblee, where he is given the instructions to go into Lior and cause trouble, and return with Ed's dead body. Marta overhears this and also discovers that Bradley is actually Pride, the seventh and final homunculus, whose Ultimate Eye is hidden under the eyepatch. She encounters Al and hides inside him, but Bradley comes and sticks his sword inside Al, tragically killing Marta.

Al stops Martel from killing Kimblee. Kimblee promptly throws a people-bomb at them. Al is an idiot.

Al saves Martel by grabbing her and jumping from the balcony, but… Martel is still landing on armor, that's gotta hurt.

Kimblee gloats about Martel and Al not being people, and Al fights him. He pulls out chalk to draw a transmutation circle awfully quickly, and raises pillars of stone. Kimblee immediately turns them into bombs, but Al seals him in a box, trapping him in the explosion. What happened to not killing people, Al? Kimblee conveniently survives, somehow. Mustang shows up and does not do anything despite Kimblee explicitly telling him he plans to kill Al.

Ed learns Scar killed Nina and gets angry, saying it's not their place to decide things like that.

Ed foils Scar's destruction technique by changing the metal in his automail. Shouldn't that mean Scar ought to have trouble with chimeras, too? Of course, he not only tells Scar this, but also confirms that this is messing up his automail. No, Ed, stop being dumb.

Scar manages to grab Ed's flesh arm. Ed tries to slash him, but is stopped by the homunculi. Ed spews hot steam at them, and is surprised when they regenerate.

Scar takes out the locket he dug up, which makes Lust BSOD.

We get the full flashback with Lust and Scar's brother. It seems he did use her corpse as a base, but still produced a mess. Judging from where the blood is, it appears he lost his reproductive organs? So a male version of what happened to Izumi, though he seems a lot more functional than her.

Dante-Lyra pretends to be surprised when Ed reveals where homunculi come from. She then freely divulges that Dante created a homunculus too. Why?

Ed deduces that someone must be collecting and aiding the homunculi, since they're in no condition to do that on their own when they're first created. Dante-Lyra is suspiciously silent on this.

Flashback to Kimblee attacking Scar. He gave him his scar and blew up his arm due to choosing to blow him up a piece at a time – a bit forced, but not out of character. Not sure how Scar's eyelids survived, though, since the scar passes over them.

Scar's arm absorbs Philosopher's Stones in an attempt to complete itself. If we accept that the tattoo is a special type that can absorb souls one at a time, that checks out.

Ed pieces together that Rose was raped by the military. I've heard this come up a lot as an example of why OG is misogynist, and I honestly think that's incredibly uncharitable and reductive. I mean, for one thing, we're not shown it and we're not even explicitly told; if this was really just some sadistic male fantasy, we'd be wallowing in it. But, well, this is the kind of thing that happens during war. If you're going to write a story about the evils of the military, it's not wrong to follow that to its logical if awful conclusion. Pretending everyone in an occupied territory will be fine until the heroes conveniently arrive, as Brotherhood does, is just incredibly ignorant and dishonest. If a story wants to criticize military culture and imperialism, it has to show what that actually means.

Martel holds a knife to Bradley's throat but stupidly does not kill him. She wants him to revoke the orders, but he just met in secret; if she kills him now, the orders won't go through. It's not like it would even affect the plot if she did, since he's unkillable and we're about to reveal him as a homunculus anyway.

We see Bradley effortlessly dodging Martel's lightning-fast attacks, which is a far better demonstration of the Ultimate Eye than what we got in Brotherhood, in my opinion. Bradley also has a scar under the eyepatch.

Bradley kills Martel the same way he did in Brotherhood, but there's no blood on his sword, for some reason. He covers it better by saying he thought Martel was threatening Al.

Hm. I do like that Martel gets to stick around longer than in Brotherhood, but she doesn't really do much more, and still dies pretty stupidly (though her more rational motivation is an improvement). I do think this is a much better place for the Bradley reveal, though. It happens way, way too early in Brotherhood – knowing the evilness goes straight to the top only a quarter of the way through the story kills a lot of the mystery and makes the narrative pretty black-and-white. OG has taken pains to hide Bradley's connection to the villains even as the evidence has piled up against him, giving him plausible deniability and a seemingly benevolent relationship to the characters. This is timed well as a climactic reveal showing us that no, the homunculi really do control the entire government. And it's paired perfectly with Ed informing us there's someone else pulling the strings, too!

Fullmetal Alchemist Episode 41: "Holy Mother"

Scar, speaking for Rosé, tell the people of Lior to lure the military into the city, but not to provoke them. Kimblee, with a group of chimeras, attack civilians in the city, and Scar instructs the civilians to leave the city, so that he can create the Philosopher's Stone when the military arrives. Ed sends a letter to Mustang explaining all that's happening in Lior, and advising him to keep the military from entering the city. Mustang and his group learn about what happened at Laboratory Five in Central, and how a Philosopher's Stone is made. Mustang tells Alphonse to go into Lior and find his brother. Archer prepares to assault the city of Lior, but is ordered to wait by Bradley. When Lust asks Pride why he told Archer to wait, he said he was acting upon their master's orders. Angry, Lust decides to go into Lior alone so she can help Scar create the Philosopher's Stone. Ed and Rosé help the civilians exit the city of Lior, and Wrath and Sloth confront Ed. Wrath's weakness is revealed, and Wrath then attacks Rosé, who manages to speak and call out to Ed to get his attention. Scar confronts Kimblee, and they begin an alchemic battle, causing more destruction in the city. Alphonse intercedes by trapping Kimblee, but he escapes and uses his alchemy to begin transforming Alphonse's armor into a bomb.

We open with Ed seeing the graves of everyone who died in the uprising. Ed is overwhelmed by guilt.

We flashback to discover Martel did successfully tell Al everything. Not sure why we couldn't have done that last episode.

Ed has been imprisoned. Dante visits him, and says "we humans" are weak. Ed says she smells weird, and Dante passes it off as perfume. So she's already begun to rot. Ed says he doesn't like the smell. Foreshadowing!

Ed sends a letter telling the military to stop the assault, preventing Scar from getting his ingredients. The homunculi convene and tell Bradley to do it anyway, but he says Dante has ordered him not to. I presume she gave the messenger another letter for him. Lust points out the only reason they're following Dante is for the Stone, so she's going to help Scar do it anyway.

Back in Liore, Dante insists they should make a break for it and tell everyone what happened here. Ed says it'd just become another story of a failed Philosopher's Stone, so he won't. Dante looks irritated at this, so I guess that's what she was hoping for.

Sloth delivers Wrath but does not reveal herself to Ed.

The cry of Rose's baby makes Wrath flip out.

Ed argues that homunculi are nothing but illusions who falter in the face of the real thing, which I think is nice imagery.

Wrath says he has no weakness, since his own body was used as ingredients for his resurrection. I guess homunculi have better memory than human babies. While this does address a neat loophole, it does raise the question of why it's a unique case – I should think that using the corpse ought to be the first thing anyone would try.

Al arrives to stupidly insist everyone stop fighting. Kimblee uses the opportunity to transmute Scar's arm into a bomb, so Scar tears it off. Woah. I don't like the way the blood from his stump is animated, though; looks too goopy. And shouldn't he be bleeding out, since there are vital arteries in the shoulder?

Scar runs Kimblee through, but he somehow survives long enough to throw Ed's pocketwatch at Scar. Ah, that's clever; he learned the absorption incapacitates him earlier. And this also explains why Cornello thought the pocketwatches let you transmute without a circle, actually! If they used to stuff red stones in there, that would actually be true.

Oh, Sloth does appear to Ed. She accuses him of making her wrong, which makes him BSOD.

Rose echoes Ed's own advice at him, which is a nice callback. It's actually pretty appropriate, since Ed is collapsed.

We get a bunch of still images for the final sequence, but they're intercut with proper animation, so I presume it's for coolness rather than lack of budget this time.

Fullmetal Alchemist Episode 42: "His Name is Unknown"

Al's armor is slowly transforming into an explosive compound following Kimblee's attack. With Ed helping the Liorites escape, Scar is the only one who can help Al. Scar then proceeds to turn Al into the Philosopher's Stone. Seeing that Kimblee had been killed by Scar, Archer orders the military army into Lior to take him down. After multiple gunshot wounds in protecting Lust, Scar takes his last breath and transmutes the whole city with himself and the soldiers inside. Upon seeing the destruction, Ed races to find Scar. Finding his brother alive, Ed soon realizes what Scar has done. Lust then appears, instructing the brothers to start running; that they will soon be sought after.

Animators didn't bother drawing an exit wound for Kimblee. Boo. The blood spot is also higher up on his body, in a place where it should have been immediately fatal.

Al says it's hard to talk. Ed was worried about messing up the blood seal when he repaired him earlier, so it could be that any alteration to the armor messes him up.

New, and final, OP! Kind of an odd to do that in the middle of an arc, but okay. The visuals are quite good – we get a shot of Hoenheim, a prominent shot of Dante-Lyra, and a lot of battles with the homunculi. I think I liked the previous one's melody better, though. Looking at the lyrics, the OPs do seem to follow an interesting theme: the first one is about destroying memories, the second one is about never looking back, the third one is about holding onto memories, and this one is about the dissonance between memories and self-actualization.

Sloth undulates under her clothes while she's luring Ed, which is really creepy. I wonder if she has trouble staying solid.

Sloth changes her clothes into a sexy dress. Nooot necessary, though it's ironically pretty visually similar to Brotherhood!Sloth's overalls.

Dante informs them that homunculi have more than one life, so they'll be back. And how would Lyra know that, hmmm?

Archer says there is no military without evil or corruption.

Scar turns Al into the Philosopher's Stone to save him. I'm a bit confused as to why, though; what has Al ever done for him? Scar put a lot of work into this for the same of stopping the military, but now he's just willing to abandon that for Al's sake? He should also be able to amputate the affected area, like he did for himself.

Scar successfully lures the military to attack using himself as bait. I like that it's implied Lust is helping him, as he shouldn't be able to carry Kimblee's body without arms.

Ah, Scar explains he's helping Al because he sees himself in the Elric brothers. That still feels a little weak, I mean they've done nothing but fight him and try to impede his very justified goals. I can see what the writers were going for in trying to draw parallels between them, but I think this needed more time and interactions to make it develop properly.

Unfortunately, he then goes on to say he doesn't care what the Elrics do with the Stone now that he's given it to them, which makes less sense. He was already the victim of a Stone-amplified massacre; isn't he afraid they'll give the Stone to Amestris and make them even stronger?

Lust asks Scar's name and we get the same line from BH 15 about him forsaking it. Much better placement here.

Liore is completely vaporized after the transmutation, which seems a little odd, but it fits. I guess it was dragging in all raw materials.

New ED. It's strangely slow and contemplative, though not to the same degree as the last one. I still like the second one best. There is a shot of everyone who's died – Trisha, Nina, Hughes, and Scar – which I think is a nice detail for the final stretch, especially as this upcoming arc will be about the heroes confronting their flaws and mistakes.

Conclusion

All right! It's taken a while, but the original plot is finally in full swing. The quality of the early episodes gave me motivation to stick through the slow parts, and now that faith's been rewarded. Look at all the stuff happening! Bringing the story back to where it all began! People facing the consequences of their actions! Resolution to the longstanding mystery of Scar! The heroes actually doing stuff! Major characters dying! And to top it off, the heroes have finally attained the goal stated at the start of the story: the Philosopher's Stone. But the question remains: What will they do with it now, and what comes next? Like the Fifth Laboratory, this feels like a true culmination of all that has come before, while still leaving room for the future. We've been left with many questions and answers. This is how it's done!

I also prefer this resolution for Scar over what he gets in Brotherhood. That may sound strange or sadistic, but… getting to kill Hitler and then live happily ever after just feels too neat to me. Maybe I'm weird, but, and I'll talk about this again at the end, outcomes that are too happy just make me reject them as fake. In reality, people in Scar's position typically do not survive the revolution. They don't get to be in the perfect position to avenge their people and live to fix everything afterwards. They're lucky if they can accomplish anything before they're inevitably gunned down. But Scar did! Scar succeeded at his plan. He wiped out a huge chunk of the military, saved the Liorites, and completed his brother's work. It came at a high cost, but it's a cost all revolutionaries have to be willing to pay. His resolution in Brotherhood is: I will direct my anger at the right person and be the good scary black man. His resolution in OG is: I will die to stop this. And, everything's subjective, but I find that a lot stronger, and more real.

Additionally, I think there's something to be said here that Scar does what the heroes were too afraid to do. We saw this as early as episode 7, when he gave mercy to the pained Nina when Ed froze up at the risk. Ed spends this arc trying to stop Scar, but can't really give a good reason why. You can waffle over if every rank-and-file of the military really deserves it, but the fact remains that Amestris' military is evil, and turning their own methods back upon them is a powerfully ironic revenge. Scar is in many ways a truer hero than the Elrics, willing to make real sacrifices instead of demanding the world let him have his cake and eat it too. Equivalent exchange, eh?

But he's not here to bail Ed out of his indecision anymore. From now on, Ed's going to have to make the hard choices on his own.

Oh, and, after all that stuff in Brotherhood, I am also perversely amused by how sidelined Mustang is here. This was Scar's show, and the writers knew better than to dilute that by cramming other characters in where they weren't wanted.

I did have several nitpicks, but I feel that they really are nitpicks, rather than things that truly break the story. I can't get a good grasp on Al's motivation, but his involvement isn't very important, so it doesn't feel like an idiot ball is necessary to move the plot. (It also pleases me how his constant insistence on absolute pacifism just ends up screwing everything up far worse – intentionally or not, that's a good refutation of the philosophy. See my other favorite anime, Trigun, for more on that!) Scar's motivation for turning Al into the Philosopher's Stone is a little weak, as are the mechanics of how, exactly, it's supposed to undo Kimblee's transmutation, but everything else is so wonderfully done that I am willing to give it a pass, especially given how many options it gives the story going forward.

#fullmetal alchemist #fma #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma 2003 #liveblog

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lamella320 · 6 years ago

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*Rhetoric as a Narrative*

In this entry I will be discussing the critical questions: What narrative(s) does this artifact tell about me or U.S culture or a certain group of people? What truths does it promote and what truths does it limit or ignore (who does it include and exclude)? Overall, is this narrative positive or negative for society?

The artifact I decided to analyze to further discuss the critical questions above is a YouTube video from the channel Cut. The video is called Divide Us Into Democrats & Republicans | Lineup | Cut. Here is a direct link to the video, which is also cited below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMsuvEGnvPw .This video tells the narrative of a typical American and their political views based off of stereotypes as well as personal opinions. Although this video exemplifies stereotypes Americans hold towards other Americans and their political views, it ultimately tells a positive narrative of how we can’t judge someone based off of minimal information and regardless of our political views we are just people.

Cut is a YouTube channel whose tagline and purpose is “Small questions have powerful effects when they go viral. Cut spreads stories for fun, for serious, and for real- bringing the internet together one awkward moment at a time” (2018). Their videos have various content and structure, but their most common series is one that deals with 5-6 individuals (which I will reference as categorizers), categorizing or matching people to certain ideas or things. For example, some videos are about matching the owner to their dog, or who does drag, or who is the best kisser? In the video I chose for my artifact, the creators asked four categorizers to guess if nine strangers were either Democrats or Republicans.Throughout the video each categorizer talks for a few minute to each stranger and based off of observations and small conversation, they are then categorized into Democrats or Republicans. By the end of the video, each stranger then reveals their true political stance, and gets a chance to talk about who they are and why they are apart of each party, as well as why people may have categorized them correctly or incorrectly.

There are many narratives riddled through the Cut video, as well as the video in its entirety being a narrative. To start off, narrative needs to be defined. Palczewski, Ice, and Fritch (2012) define a narrative as something that describes an event, often implies causation, and engages the interest of an audience. Narratives also contain stories, characters, themes, and cause and effect. The Cut video, “Divide Us Into Democrats & Republicans | Lineup | Cut”, is a narrative within itself. The overall narrative of the video is the idea that we are not defined by stereotypes, and we are constantly categorized by people. This is shown through the development of the strangers as well as how the viewpoints of the categorizers were changing. By the end of the video, each of the categorizers found themselves to have learned a lot and even if they did not necessarily agree with different viewpoints, they still learned from it. As Karlos said, who was one of the categorizers, “You don’t have to agree but you have to respect each other”. Not only is this his specific narrative for the video, and his point of view, but it also outlines the whole video very well. It creates a unifying narrative, told by one of the characters themselves.

There was also the narrative of how people are categorized, which was mentioned shortly above. Throughout the video, all of the categorizers were making assumptions based off of just a few short sentences or even solely based off of attire. The categorizers filled in their own narratives based off of their experiences with Republicans and Democrats and typically based their decision off of that. Some quotes or moments that stood out as telling a narrative was when Dae grouped someone as a Republican largely just because of their shoes, or their opinion about Taylor Swift. Something even as simple as age when Bjork asked a young woman how old she was, and she responded with 18, her first answer was Democrat. In the case of Bjork, she had created her own narrative based off of age and that’s all she needed to fill in the rest of her story. A negative narrative also could be told against Democrats as displayed by this video. At the end of the video, Bjork says “I need a drink after this.. If you guys want to come you’re invited”. When she extends the invitation, she only turns around to the group of Democrats to her right. Now this could be on the account of Cut and how they edited the video. Maybe they cut out Bjork looking at the Republicans as well, or maybe she really did just extend the invitation to the Democrats, who she identifies with. Regardless, the narrative was framed/ created so it may seem as Democrats can be very exclusive. It can also show that American parties in general are very exclusive towards one another, and typically stay within their own party. This is solely just one example, but it explains how one person can create a stereotype or a negative viewpoint on an entire group. This can be viewed as a negative narrative for society. Many people I do not want America to be viewed as excluding others, especially other Americans, just because of their political party or general point of view. Although this was only one example, a lot of what was said during the video could paint American parties in a negative light, and give negatives impacts on both political parties. After this video, Democrats can be seen as judgemental and one sided, however, the narrative was also created that way. They had no categorizers who were Republican, so we did not get to see how Republicans would question or categorize people. This decision was up to Cut, and they decided how they wanted to tell their narrative.

There were some positives that came from this narrative as well. Some positives would be that it informed the public about different parties in America, and also the idea that although someone is a Republican or a Democrat, does not mean they fully agree with each side. The video showed that some people were Democratic and still believed in gun control and that people can always change their political party based off of current politics. I feel like these are positive narratives to tell about American politics because it shows we are constantly changing and don’t always fit with what is thought of as the “norm”. This also brings it back to the idea that we are more than just Americans, but human. The whole point of these videos is not just to educate us on politics, but to educate us about human nature. Because of this point, I do think that overall this artifact tells a positive narrative about the importance of understanding our stereotypes and judgements, but still being able to learn from them and become a better person as a result.

An article by Fisher can help further describe narratives and dissect the artifact. One of the main topics Fisher brings up is the idea of narrative paradigm, specifically narrative world paradigm. Fisher explains the narrative world paradigm as: “..human being beings as storytellers indicates the general form of all symbol composition; it hold that symbols are created and communicated ultimately as stories meant to give order to human experience” (1984). To summarize, narrative world paradigm creates people as storytellers and they interpret their own meaning from their own framework. When first watching the video made by Cut, it was unclear if this artifact displayed a narrative world paradigm. Initially it could be seen as a rational world paradigm, which is where people are more rational and make arguments based off of data. However, the more of the video that is seen, you realize there is much more bias involved and the categorizers in the video were not very rational. As mentioned above, Dae based one decision off of the shoes the man was wearing. That was not rational at all, and used no real logic. Instead it was based off of a symbol, stereotype, and/or personal experience, which is very much an example of a narrative world paradigm. This may seem like a negative narrative to obtain from the article, but the end result and final story told by the artifact is ultimately a positive narrative that should be told.

In summary, the artifact discussed did enforce stereotypes and enforced a narrative of Republicans and Democrats, but overall had a positive narrative. It told an overarching narrative of how although we may use stereotypes to categorize people, once we go beneath the surface of looks and simple questions we discover a lot more about who people are, as well as ourselves.

Works Cited

Cut. (2018, November 6). Divide Us Into Democrats & Republicans | Lineup | Cut [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMsuvEGnvPw&t=31s

Fisher, W. R. (1984). Narration as a Human Communication Paradigm: The Case of Public Moral Argument. Communication Monographs, 51(1), 1-22.

Palczewski, C. H., Ice, R., Fritch, J. (2012). Narratives. In Rhetoric in Civic Life (pp. 117-146). State College, PA: Strata Publishing, Inc.

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escojedo-3na · 3 years ago

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Rationality and Faith

Everyone has a unique perspective on God, and it all begins with one's upbringing. My family does not attend church every Saturday, despite the fact that I was born and reared as a Born-Again Christian. We attend church only on rare and significant occasions. I'm not sure if I believe in God or not, but if I ever have a problem in my life, he is the one I turn to for relief. Without the ability to see or touch anything, it is hard for people to believe in it. When you believe in something, you believe it regardless of whether you can touch or see it. This is why faith is so potent. Even with faith, sometimes we cannot escape the fact that we continue to have doubts regarding God's presence and its values thought to us because not everyone are the same perception of who God really is and what he wants to tell us. While philosophy is a broad subject, one question has confounded even the most brilliant minds throughout history. "Does God exist?" is the critical question. This is a question that philosophers have debated for hundreds of years, each presenting their own set of reasons and evidence to support their position on the subject. A human being is incapable of objectively demonstrating God's presence in a way that convinces everyone else of his or her existence. On the other hand, a person can have subjective knowledge of God. Individuals' perceptions and understandings of God would enough to justify their own unique religious beliefs and activities.

If religious experiences and beliefs are comparable to what we witness, we should have no reservations about religious beliefs. It is critical to comprehend God rationally since it is this understanding that will shape you into a person with values, values that adapt to your beliefs. The rationality of God's belief is contingent upon both the style and substance of the belief. While it is not always easy to be a Christian, we must live our faith without surrendering our principles. Certain individuals rely solely on faith, without regard for reason or experience. Certain individuals opt for a religion that is not founded on reason or experience. Rationality is concerned with propositional evidence that is not person-indexed and its logical influence on the conclusion. Individuals who believe in God as a result of religious experiences do not believe their faith is rational or logical. No matter how diligently reason seeks the truth, it may fail. According to Locke, religious irrationality is a sign of unsoundness. Our intimate connection with God, as well as our continual worship and relationship with God, frequently appear to be contained within a religious box. It's one of our best questions as Christians to figure out whether we should have a private religion or a group one. These are the individuals who undermine organizations founded on "great confidence" and the concept that people may "give their all" and "do the right thing," which might finally result in conflict if God is viewed irrationally. Many people feel that religion and faith are inherently conflictual as a result of these types of conflicts, although this is not always the case. As a result, part of the solution is to promote knowledge of the constructive role faith has played in many conflict situations as a mediator. Maintaining one's faith is difficult, especially when one is constantly battling with oneself and other endeavors in life, but when we recognize that God is speaking to us and spend time with other believers who are motivated by rational values, sharing our discoveries and listening to theirs, we can greatly strengthen our faith.

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libr-tumbl-alternative · 6 years ago

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Depending on your search history and interests, there is a decent chance you've come across a number of articles written and edited across Wikipedia and RationalWiki and many other MediaWiki's on the web that were curated by the infamous Oliver D Smith, aka Darryl L. Smith aka Dan Skeptic, aka Krom, aka Atlantid, aka Anglopyramidologist, aka GoblinFace and aka a huge list of sockpuppet editing accounts spread across Wikipedia, Rationalwiki, Encyclopedia Dramatica, and only Google knows what else. Oliver has been featured extensively on Wikipedia We Have a Problem primarily because he is one of my well known online stalkers and harassers I encountered while developing this case study on Wikipedia consensus building. Oliver D Smith has engaged in a four-year-long campaign to target and attack me, first as a method of editor suppression on Wikipedia, where he was working with a small group of skeptic activists, a small but influential subculture on Wikipedia, under an editing account Dan skeptic (contribs). ‎ Dan Skeptic was actually more of a minor actor in the harassment that I received on Wikipedia during the Sheldrake wiki war in 2013, but his participation increased heavily immediately thereafter, as he was the creator of a number of other attack articles written about me, first on RationalWiki, then Encyclopedia Dramatica, then KiwiFarms. It took about two years to finally track and expose Oliver D. Smith in this case study. I wasn't even aware of his participation until I received an email from someone who proposed to me a curious and peculiar threat; delete your articles on GoblinFace/Atlantid or, as he linked to a discussion thread he created, under my real name, arguing against biological evolution in favor of creationism, he would create 500 more just like these on the internet. By these of course he meant impersonations, one of Oliver's key attack strategies on MediaWiki's against other editors he encounters and conflicts with. Oliver D. Smith was impersonating me as a creationist so, he claimed, he could add this to my RationalWiki profile which he noted, already listed me as a promoter of pseudoscience, which he inserted as well. Since combining me with either of these labels is completely removed from who I am, including what I do professionally and what I think privately, it was obvious to me that I was dealing with someone who did not have a firm grip on reality. Disturbing to experience, however, was his ability to publish his own peculiar reality, of which I was a key enemy, across MediaWiki's on the web about me, and then game those articles for peak Google performance in search. More so than any other Wikipedia or RationalWiki editor, Mr. Smith has numerous times crossed the line from online harassment to criminal levels of slander and behaviors. His actions were so extreme at one point that I filed a report with the FBI, a nonworkable path to recourse that was my only option as this individual, a resident of the UK, not the US, continued to target me on the internet. “You idiots don’t seem to realize that I made the Viharo and Jon Donnis pages here, then set up a whole load of other people and turned them against each other, as well as at Rationalwiki. I also added Viharo’s page at Rationalwiki.” – RationalWiki editor “Krom”, one of dozens of accounts operated by the Smith brothers, to sysops at Encyclopedia Dramatica, 2016 From my experience with him, it is likely that his psychology rather than any true ideology is what guides him. His editing history spans everything from white nationalism and neo-nazi MediaWiki MetaPedia, to articles on both the paranormal and skepticism, to left-wing MediaWiki RationalWiki to articles across the web the cover ancient Egypt, pseudoscience, anti-natalism, TombRaider, and whatever ideology he needs to adapt to become accepted by one community to target another. Over two hundred Wikipedia accounts have been discovered on the Smith sock farm, some claiming to be his brother Darryl who is claiming he is responsible, then denying it, and back and forth with layers of confusion, deception all over the web, including impersonating women or other editors Oliver D Smith conflicts with. The only controversial thing I have ever done is create a Rationalwiki article on Rome Viharo. MediaWiki editor skeptic, aka Darryl L Smith, aka Oliver D Smith, defending their actions on Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oliver, in a manner virtually identical to our Twitter president, has a habitual practice of deception. This practice may be more of a result of delusion. Oliver D. Smith believes he is a white knight, a hero on the internet who attacks his foes based on his own pizzagate interpretation of reality, that is, one that is disconnected from consensual reality but relies on emotional reactions to keywords he believes he finds on the web about his targets. Once Oliver finds a keyword written on the web by his targets, he then takes that emotionally charged keyword back to online communities and attempts to build personal armies, developing an emotional and distorted consensus so these platforms will not only join in the attacks but give Oliver a safe harbor to continue them. The strategies Oliver D. Smith employs to accomplish this extend far beyond him just editing articles on various wikis around the web about his targets, they are also entail online impersonations of other users editing accounts, which not only deflects blame from Oliver, but places blame on other users which then riles up communities against each other on the web. This was one of the factors that has contributed to it taking Wikipedia, We Have a Problem over two years to finally identify the author of significant harassment and targeting that I've received. This is how highly toxic digital wildfires and troll farms are able to build communities like PizzaGate or QAnon. Oliver D. Smith shows us how to do that too. His attacks actually show the trail these type of campaigns create on the web. Once an internet user is emotionally charged with any given keyword, they throw critical thinking skills out the window and fail to investigate the flag-waving of sources which misrepresent original context. What is curious about Oliver, however - is his ability to do this with communities that identify as skeptic activists on the internet, communities like RationalWiki and thought leaders of skeptic Wikipedia editing like Tim Farley, communities that would appear to be more critical. Oliver's abuses on the internet I believe help to expose a remarkable vulnerability of the web that all of us are more susceptible to than we are aware. Oliver is taking advantage of a flaw, deeply rooted in human nature and software design flaw. Oliver Smith always claims his innocence, and always confesses his guilt. Oliver D. Smith may be unaware of the very extreme contradictions he makes attempting to cover his tracks across MediaWikis, which are glaringly apparent to anyone who encounters him. I never met you on Wikipedia 4 years ago, that was one of my brothers. So you targeted my whole family out of a grudge of a silly Wikipedia dispute/ban. Oliver D. Smith, in a direct email to me, on file, 2017 Because he both confesses and denies all of his activity on the web, everything Oliver D. Smith says is highly suspicious. There is no brother involved. I made it all up to mislead people stalking me, or trying to investigate who I was (this goes back to when I had trolls following me 24/7 on other websites like Encylopedia Dramatica, Kiwi Farms etc). There's plenty of other false information I fed them and I found the situation rather funny since I fooled most, or all these stalkers. Oliver D. Smith, in a direct email to me, on file, 2018 Whatever guides Oliver D Smith, whether a brother who is deeply involved with Wikipedia editing and certain skeptic activist groups or an out of balance psychology, also has a significant influence on the web via Google search, and this is the tragedy of MediaWiki software. MediaWiki software, the engine the drives Wikipedia communities and dozens of more platforms around the web, in combination with Google search, provides significant global influence via individuals like this, along with the troll farms and agenda operators who collaborate with Oliver and those like him. The other problem with MediaWiki software is there is nothing that can be done about it, at all. That is really what Wikipedia, We Have a Problem validates, the utter failure of all of these communities, platforms, institutions, and even the legal system to do anything about this significant problem. While, in principle, online misinformation, targeted harassment and manipulation can find a solution on Facebook or Twitter, on MediaWiki's - there is literally no solution available. Since the participation is small, even insignificant in comparison to harassment occurring on large platforms of users like Reddit or Twitter, this problem does not obtain much mainstream attention. Pass the buck open source architecture MediaWiki's, as developed in open source by the WikiMedia foundation, put all of the responsibility of the management of the platforms on the users who edit them. As in a legally binding contract. This includes all paths to recourse for any misinformation, slander, fake news, attacks, etc. As long as the community who participates is well-intentioned, rational, and have integrity with the principles of the platform, this isn't a problem. Unfortunately, the web is anything but that. MediaWiki's are one of the few last artifacts of the early, idealistic web - so it is not surprising that the zeal mentioned in many early TED talks (my own included) opined on the great value of software that anyone could edit would easily overlook the social reality that occurs, a silent policy of not everyone should. Before we even address the inherent flaws of the software itself, there apparently is a very high appeal of MediaWikis by those who are on the spectrum with autism, aspergers, or social anxiety disorders. Within Wikipedia's own editing culture, Wikipedia itself is referred to as a honey pot for editors on the spectrum. Autistics can be remarkable editors who are incredibly diligent. The result of this, however, is a community that is unlikely to have much social empathy, a trait often lacking in those with the condition. This naturally exasperates the problem that MediaWikis carry with them. All MediaWiki's empower the users to restrict or police other users activities, within certain boundaries. This means the software that anyone can edit is synonymous with the software that anyone can police, and MediaWiki's give users tools which block, ban, or restrict other users participation. Therefore, MediaWiki software's core design flaw lay in how it creates competition instead of collaboration. This makes MediaWiki's even more problematic - while the software design increases user competition, the rules that govern the community usually instruct collaboration, a contradiction that makes it impossible for a community to responsibly manage itself without a high degree of social empathy. Really? Wikipedia is now being leveraged as the good cop of the internet on Facebook and YouTube, creating more tensions to the prime real estate value to agenda groups and the inherent tensions of the design. I'm all for spontaneous collaboration on the web, but if Wikipedia is the only solution Silicon Valley is offering us in defense of fake news and online misinformation, the web could be lost forever. This tension created by the design flaw in MediaWiki has created dozens of various ideological spin-offs of Wikipedia around the web, all using the same software with slight modifications, including the commercial version of MediaWiki, Wikia. Google's own search algorithm also rewards not just Wikipedia with a high ranking, but any MediaWiki platform. MediaWiki platforms are very easy to optimize for search engine results, and likely in most search returns internet users discover. Oliver D Smith, MediaWiki master. I'm vague on the details, but apparently, Oliver has finally been banned from RationalWiki. It took RationalWiki six years to finally boot him off of their platform. Six years of Oliver using RationalWiki as a platform to target anyone he considered an enemy. Six years of influence on global search results all over the world. After six years, is the web finally free of Oliver D Smith abusing media wikis and Google search? Booted from RationalWiki, Oliver found a new home on another MediaWiki fansite called RationalWiki,Wiki. Since MediaWiki's create a copy of themselves via spats within the previous community, RationalWiki now has RationalWiki, Wiki on Wikia and Oliver D Smith once again as an editor. The unique distinction in this MediaWiki is that it is Wikia, a paid advertising commercial platform MediaWiki site. Like Wikipedia and MediaWiki software, Jimbo Wales commercially successful Wikia was meant to accommodate, and commercialize, niche communities and the advertisers that want to appeal directly to them. It's Wikipedia with a business model. More than just a software platform that anyone can edit, Wikia is a MediaWiki that anyone can publish, simply by creating an account. The RationalWikiWiki is literally a fan wiki that covers all the RationalWiki articles that Oliver edited on RationalWiki, now primarily edited by Oliver who now just writes under his real name, Oliver D Smith - including a RationalWikiWiki article about himself, defending himself from his RationalWiki ban and many events detailed in this study. Oliver uses RationalWikiWiki to continue to attack all of his enemies all over again, of which Wikipedia, We Have a Problem and yours truly is uniquely featured. And you can see that he is the sole author of this latest attack article from the editing history. Wikipedia has blocked over 200 hundred of Oliver's editing accounts, yet it is easy for him to use a fresh IP, and continue where he left off. If that doesn't work, he goes over to RationalWiki, or Encylopedia Dramatica, to continue his obsessions. Even though it took six years to finally remove him from those platforms, he has finally found a new MediaWiki home on Wikia, one that has all the benefits of a high Google search ranking, advertising dollars, and both an algorithm and a set of rules that will allow him to continue for as long as he wants. Welcome to the very real problem of MediaWiki software and the poster boy who teaches all of us developing solutions for the web all the ways these platforms can be readily abused by just about anyone, for any reason - and without any path to recourse. . Powered by AutoBlogger.co

#software #web #technology

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beinglibertarian · 7 years ago

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Why Women Generally Aren’t Libertarian – Freedom Philosophy

In 2004, my second year of university, I read Henry Hazlitt’s Economics in One Lesson and I became an avid libertarian. Upon hearing the news a friend invited me to an economic freedom group and, excited with my new community, I eagerly attended. When I looked around I noticed something about all the attendees: they were nearly all men.

I’ve been to various political rallies and supported various causes, and I’ve never seen gender disparity like that before.

I asked Being Libertarian’s Anna Trove on our old podcast why this is and her response was, “Women don’t even go to the bathroom by ourselves. The philosophy of individualism is out the window for most of us.”

Individualism often finds itself as the target of feminist criticisms. Feminists think in collectivist vocabulary. They use terms like systemic injustices, and their arguments often begin with, “We, as a society…”

On a sweltering hot day, the last day of my university life, I was eager to get out and enjoy my new freedom, and the Sun. I had to first write my concluding paragraph for a paper on the philosophy of feminism. Two circles within feminism had two very different ideas to promote their cause within the sciences.

The first was Helen Longino’s assertion: Women aren’t encouraged by society to enter into STEM (science, technology, engineering, and medicine) fields and we should do more to encourage them to don the lab coat.

The second assertion is that women think differently from men, and the ways in which women excel are dismissed by society: Midwives (female-dominated), who learn from experience and empathy, were historically more beneficial to patients than doctors (male-dominated) who were calloused and scientific; yet society preferred the male-dominated field. The assertion is that we should elevate more feminine thought processes.

The takeaway is that women either don’t innately think in a calloused, detached, evidential and rational way, or they’re taught to think differently. In either case, the detachment of a science like economics doesn’t appeal to women. This either is the case innately or it is the case and it ought not to be so, but in either situation, it is the case.

Consider price fixing on goods as necessary as water. During the Texas floods of last year, the price of water rose to heights of $99 per case, from the average of $5 per case. The cruelty of a store owner to do this during a time of emergency offends us all, but to people that think empathetically, it’s especially offensive. This was counterbalanced by Puerto Rico that had strict price controls on water.

In spite of the fact that per capita, there were more emergency responders sent to Puerto Rico and more funds sent to Puerto Rico than Texas, their problem persisted while the Texans very quickly received aid. The answer to the question why is: because of price fixing.

The free market, in seeing the price jump recognized the shortage of supply and responded quickly supplying Texans with an abundance of water cases because of the excessive profit margins – the increased supply eventually caused market competition and the price quickly dwindled to a more reasonable price.

Meanwhile, the market ignored Puerto Rico because the market was asked to ignore them by their own leaders through price fixing. Texans received water, quickly, and at reasonable prices, while Puerto Ricans didn’t.

If water is selling for $99/case, by the end of the day someone will have airlifted water into the region at $50/case, and the next morning water will be selling for $30/case. This will go on for a day or so, and the water crisis is quickly resolved. This was never permitted to happen in Puerto Rico.

Justin Trudeau gave one of his worst interviews during the campaign with a Maritime reporter, Steve Murphy.

Murphy continually asked him for the numbers on his spending promises, to which Trudeau had none to give. Eventually he went on the offensive against Murphy and suggested that Murphy approached politics with a calculator while Trudeau can speak to Canadians. People who think in terms of STEM find this remarkably absurd.

It’s problematic that if the numbers don’t add up in Trudeau’s budgets, he won’t be helping Canadians at all. Wages will remain stagnant while power bills go up, grocery bills go up, and our tax bills will go up.

Trudeau is on the record claiming that he will grow the economy from the heart outward, but as the calculator dictates, his plans have serious economic consequences and the rhetoric that appears caring is actually destructive.

Rational thinkers find the empty rhetoric of growing the economy from the heart outward, while simultaneously making life harder on the poor and middle class, highly offensive.

Feminists have supplied us with the premise that on average, women don’t think in terms of STEM. Economics as a science requires an appraisal that is thoroughly calloused at times, which people who don’t appreciate STEM will find highly offensive.

The end result is that if women don’t think in terms of calloused rationalism, they won’t find libertarianism at all appealing.

If it were the case that only Canadian women were permitted to vote, Trudeau would win a majority government easily. If only Canadian men were to vote, Trudeau would be swiftly defeated.

George W. Bush was the most unpopular president in the U.S. during my lifetime, and yet his approval ratings are polled higher for Americans than Trudeau’s are among Canadian men.

There’s a discrepancy between men and women but that doesn’t imply individualism is wrong.

On my final day of university, I concluded that Longino was right.

We do need to encourage women to adopt the calloused STEM approach. $99 per case of water isn’t how most women think, but unlike the opposing view it has the virtue of actually being getting water to people; going beyond stage-one-thinking – it’s actually compassionate.

The post Why Women Generally Aren’t Libertarian – Freedom Philosophy appeared first on Being Libertarian.

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saikostories · 4 years ago

Text

GOT7 - Career Vs Love (JB)

The second he walked through the bedroom door, you knew something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t that hard to tell, not with the way his jaw was clenched and his posture stiff, his gait like a barely controlled storm. He entered without any greeting, making you jump when he threw the door open with so muchforce that it hit and made a small dent in the wall. “Jaebum?” You called out to him, moving to get up, but the look he sent your way had you sitting back down immediately. You watched, frozen in place, as he flung his duffel bag to some corner in the room, stalked to the bathroom, and slammed that door shut as well, making a few pictures fall. With a sigh you set your laptop to the side, stood from the bed, and walked over to the few frames. The first two weren’t damaged - thankfully - but the third - your favorite unfortunately - was ruined. A couple shards of glass fell to the floor as you carefully picked the picture up. It was of you and Jaebum at Jackson’s birthday party, around the beginning of your relationship, and you’d smiled brightly at one another instead of the camera, like the lovestruck fools you were. Muffled profanities made their way to your ears, breaking you from your thoughts, causing you to frown. What was wrong with him? Was he mad at you? You certainly hoped he wasn’t, but the sharp glare he gave you said otherwise. Maybe it was work? His group had finished another successful world tour not too long ago and were in the last month of comeback promotions; stress could have easily been the reason for his mood. Seeing as how Jaebum was the type of person to find an outlet for his stress nowadays, that in itself didn’t make much sense to you. Under a critical public eye, it usually resulted in his famous “dislocated jaw” and a scream or shout tossed in every once in awhile - the whole flair for dramatic thing; behind closed doors though, he would bboy until he had no energy left. And truth be told, hot, rough sex was quickly becoming one of his favorite stress relievers. Loud bangs in four quick successions got your attention, head snapping up towards the bathroom door with furrowed brows and an even deeper frown. It was a known fact that Jaebum was temperamental - his anger making him like a tornado leaving destruction in its wake - but he’d learned to control it to an extent. He found different ways to deal with his temper so his members would respect and love him, as opposed to fear him. When the two of you started dating, he worked even harder to control it for your sake, never wanting you to see him in that state. But tonight it looked like he finally snapped. You put the frame down and stood. Jaebum was clearly upset by something, and even though you knew he wouldn’t want you to see him until he was calm enough to think rationally, you refused to leave him alone as irate as he was now. Slowly walking to the bathroom, you mentally tried to prepare yourself to deal with this side of Jaebum, because in all honesty, you’d never had to deal with an angry Jaebum. The two of you bickered like an old, married couple over small things all the time: who forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste, the toilet seat, what you two were going to eat on the rare nights he was home, where you were going to eat on those even rarer date nights, and so on and so forth. Just over stupid things with an irritated, not angry, Jaebum. The few times you had actually gotten into heated arguments were usually over jealousy or insecurities but were all unfailingly resolved. Sometimes, they ended in Jaebum leaving before saying or doing something he regretted. Even then he always came home to you, always let you know he was frustrated not angry. “Jaebum?” You knocked on the door. No answer. You knocked again before attempting to open it. To your surprise, it was unlocked, so you opened the door just wide enough for you to slip inside and shut it again. And when you turned around, your eyes widened at the mess in front of you. The noise you’d heard was glass breaking, the mirror smashed, bloody pieces all over the sink and a few on the floor. Your eyes followed a light trail of blood until they rested on Jaebum’s hunched form against the wall. His hair was covering his face, shielding it from your view. His arms were on his knees, hands hanging limply in front of him. His knuckles were swollen and bloody, drops slowly running down his fingers. Grabbing the first towel you saw, you fell to your knees to tend to his injuries. As gently as you could, you cleaned away the blood, only getting up to rinse out the excess before wiping away the rest. Tears clouded your vision when the cuts became visible with the blood gone, but you bit your bottom lip to keep quiet. Bruises, clear as day, were already tainting his skin and you hated it. Working silently, you stood to find peroxide or rubbing alcohol, ointment and band-aids, not noticing how you badly shook while searching the cabinets. And when his hands were finally treated, wrapped in gauze, you held them tenderly in yours, pointer finger tracing invisible designs onto the back of his hand. You were dying to ask him what was wrong, dying to tell him to trust you with his burdens, but the lump in your throat wouldn’t let you speak. One of his hands lifted to your face, slowly as if he was afraid he would scare you away, and he ran his thumb over your bottom lip gently, releasing it from your teeth before it dropped again. You looked up then and met his stare, red, watery eyes already locked on your form. The look in his eyes was blank. Emotionless. Spent. “What happened?” you asked lowly. Tears were welling up in your eyes again, but you held them back. “Talk to me Jae, please.” Jaebum swallowed, opening and closing his mouth severals times, and blinked rapidly; all he could do was shake his head. He was breaking down in front of you, and you had no clue as to why, but you reached out to him anyway. You hugged him to you as best as you could in your position, while Jaebum held onto you like a lifeline. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, and you could feel his tears running down your skin. His body was shivering and with each second, his grip on you got tighter. A broken sob escaped him - the dam breaking - and his cries got louder from there on out - each one tearing you apart. You shifted back slightly before sliding into his lap, wrapping your arms and legs around him. You murmured sweet nothings into his ears, running your hands through his hair, as he quieted down. He whispered something against your collarbone then, and it was so low you thought for a second that you imagined it. But when you tried to pull away to ask, he scrambled to keep his hold on you, tightening his arms around you even more. It was quiet for a few more minutes until he spoke again. “I- I’m n-not their leader anymore.” Silence. Deafening silence. “What?” Your ears were certainly playing tricks on you now. You moved back. “Jaebum, wh-?” “I’m not the leader of GOT7 anymore!” he exploded and pushed you out of his lap, rushing out of the bathroom. You were left paralyzed on the floor in shock. His words replayed in your mind, like a broken record, as you attempted to comprehend them. That couldn’t be true. That could not be true! This was Im Jaebum, the most dedicated, responsible, and hardworking person you’d ever met. There was no way he wasn’t leader anymore. If not him, then who? Who could possibly be more suitable than Jaebum to be leader? Stuttering as you tried to form a coherent thought, you stumbled up and followed him. It had to be some kind of sick, twisted joke and you really wished it was; however, what you saw next told you it wasn’t. He was pacing - back and forth, back and forth - in the bedroom. Ragged breaths escaped him and he kept clawing at his chest as if he couldn’t breathe, as if the air wouldn’t fill his lungs fast enough. And then he fell to his knees as his strength fled him, as he was sapped of all energy. “J-Jaebum.” He looked up, and the look on his face knocked the wind out of you. It was a look of devastation, hopelessness, and utter heartbreak. He looked like his whole world just came crashing down, and he had no clue how to go about picking up the pieces, let alone putting it back together. The anger you felt amounting in your body at the sight - a sight that would forever be ingrained into your mind - was damn near uncontainable and insurmountable. How could they do this to him? He’d give life and limb for GOT7, for JYPE! Were they out of their minds?! His voice was breathless, so faint you almost missed it, when he called out to you. No, it was not the time for your unbridled fury. That you would save for later. Now was the time for Jaebum - focusing on him, helping and healing him. You inhaled and exhaled before closing the gap between the two of you in a matter of seconds, holding him as close to you as physically possible and then some. Jaebum cried into your abdomen, soaking your shirt, but you couldn’t care less. Instead you began to cry silently right along with him, nonetheless trying your damndest to talk to him, to whisper reassurances, when in reality, you didn’t even know what you were assuring him of. To see someone you loved as much as you loved Jaebum - undeniably, irrevocably, unhealthily - in so much agonizing pain was the worst feeling ever. It caused you pain physically, pain that spread throughout your chest and made each breath harder to take. But you knew the pain you were feeling, the pain you felt for him, was nothing compared to the pain that was overwhelming him. You couldn’t even begin to fathom the things he must’ve been thinking. GOT7 was his everything and it must’ve been like his life had come to an abrupt, screeching halt; his career ending; his dreams crushed. Knowing him, he was thinking all these negative things and more. He was probably blaming himself ruthlessly and brutally, forever the leader taking responsibility and the weight of the world on his shoulders. How he’d made it through a whole day at work was beyond you, but you knew it took strength only Im Jaebum had. To see him falling apart like this gave you an inkling as to what his day had been like though, as to just how much he’d endured, and the brave front he must have put on. You cupped his cheeks, trying to turn his face up to you but it was a struggle in and of itself because he wouldn’t let you go. “Jae, baby, look at me.” His eyes reluctantly met yours.

His eyes reluctantly met yours. You cradled his face, his beautiful face stricken with anguish, and kissed everything you could reach: his nose, his eyelids, his lips, his forehead, everything. “I’m so sorry, love. I know it doesn’t do much, it’s not enough, but I am sorry. I’ll be right by your side though, throughout all of this.” You kissed him one final time and he rested his head on your stomach again, holding you close, shuddering with each breath he took as he tried to hold in more tears. And you let him. You didn’t know how long the two of you stayed that way but you did know that you would be there for him as he needed you, however long that may be. When Jaebum finally got up on his own, he refused to meet your eyes, opting to stare at the ground instead. He looked pensive for a moment, like something else was bothering him, then opened his mouth to shut it almost immediately after. “What?” you asked. “Jaebum, what is it?” You waited patiently as he contemplated whether or not he should answer, his lips thinning. He decided against it, shaking his head. Caressing his cheek, you offered what you hoped was a reassuring smile. “Okay. Whenever you want to talk about it, we can.” Resting his forehead against yours, he exhaled heavily and nodded. You knew that it was going to be a long time before he said anything to you about it, about what happened, about why the company made such a damaging decision. “Come on, you need to rest.” You took slow steps forward, guiding him to the bed. The back of his knees hit the mattress and he sat down lifelessly, letting you do all the work as you removed his sweater and sweatpants. Gently tilting his head up, you placed a kiss on his lips, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away to stare into his eyes, those intense eyes that were swimming with unbearable pain. “Everything’s going to be okay,” you promised. But you should have known better than to make promises you couldn’t keep. . . . The next month was irritable, stressful, but mostly tiring for the two of you. The morning after you found out about the company’s decision, Jaebum received a call from his manager as he was about to head to the dorm to meet the other members, telling him that he had the whole day off. Apparently, JYP wanted to see how Mark would handle his responsibilities as newly appointed leader. The clench of Jaebum’s jaw was the only hint you got as to what he felt after the call. His anger had simmered down, but you were able to see it starting to boil under the surface again. He didn’t tell you more than what his manager told him, then he was gone. He disappeared for the entire day - phone, car keys, and wallet left on the nightstand - and showed up right as you were getting ready to call the police. His schedules with GOT7 as a whole had been modified after that to give Mark chances to take on the role of leader. It was as if they were phasing Mark in and Jaebum out. He never complained to you about it, but you knew it was a slap to the face, a blow to his ego, and his pride was severely wounded. When he got those calls from his manager letting him know his schedules had been cancelled or came home early, he would resort to his disappearing act because the anger and hurt was too much for him to handle. JYPE had yet to release an official statement about the situation; instead, they released false statements about Jaebum’s health, exploiting his injury from a few years ago, making claims about visiting specialists and receiving new treatments before returning to his normal schedules. It was a bunch of infuriating bullshit left and right. While the general public wasn’t talking about it, his fans took notice of his continued absences and wanted to know what was going on, reaching out to you through social media. Back when you and Jaebum had first gone public, even looking at your Instagram or Twitter account gave you a headache; nevertheless, you’d since made all your SNS accounts private, following only people you knew and only letting certain people follow you back. Still, it seemed that there were some diehard fans out there who needed to know what was going on with Jaebum, so they tagged you in countless things and mentioned you in their posts. It was hard to ignore. Some of them seemed to accept what JYPE was releasing while others speculated about the truth behind it. A number of them were even guessing that Jaebum was leaving GOT7 to pursue a solo career. There were a few, though, that hit the nail right on the head and it terrified you. So you quickly squashed all over that with a simple tweet, feeding the fans the same lies JYPE was. It made you feel bad to lie to his loyal fans, especially when Jaebum confronted you about meddling instead of ignoring them. He didn’t want to betray their trust; he wanted to tell them the truth when the transition was over, when he was good and ready, when he accepted how things were going to be from now on himself. He was trying to deal with it on his own - which you truly didn’t want - but instead of coddling him - something Jaebum hated more than anything - you devoted every minute you could spare to silently watch over him, putting him back together each time he fell apart, and trying to keep him that way. After the first few times he left the apartment, coming back with bruised knuckles, sweaty and out of breath, you started to follow him. You always kept your distance, intervening when enough was enough, tending to whatever injury he brought upon himself that time and holding him after. And he clung to you, as if he was afraid you’d disappear, with whatever bit of energy he had left. Then you’d both go home, no words exchanged, almost like none of it happened. On those days, that was your routine. As for you, you remained patient with Jaebum, being supportive in every way possible, but you couldn’t help but feel that something was off. Something amiss. There was more to the story, more that Jaebum wasn’t willing to tell you, and it was important. He avoided the topic like the plague so naturally your mind began to wonder: what was the reason Jaebum was no longer GOT7’s leader? Why so suddenly and randomly? What had he done? What hadn’t he done? The more you thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he was a great leader! He’d bend over backwards for GOT7, and you refused to believe that he had displeased JYP so much that the man felt the need to replace him as leader. On top of that, the members of GOT7 loved and respected Jaebum so much as their leader that you had a hard time accepting that they were okay with this abrupt change in roles. With Jaebum refusing to speak about the matter, you were left to speculate and worry, mind repeatedly coming up blank. There was more to the story - there had to be. Whatever it was, you were going to find out, consequences be damned. . . . You wanted to say that with time things got better, but they didn’t. Instead, they got much, much worse. JYPE released their statement almost two months later to the public, officially announcing Mark as GOT7’s new leader. They claimed, “After much thought about the future of the group, and discussion between all the members, it has been decided that JB stepping down from the position of leader is the best course of action for GOT7.” You scoffed bitterly upon reading the statement. Though you wanted to fully believe it was a load of bullshit, reading it shed light on some of your previous assumptions. Jaebum’s actions at home versus his interactions with the others of GOT7 made more sense if what the statement said was the truth. If GOT7 all agreed upon him stepping down and letting Mark take over, then of course he would do it; he would do it for the group because GOT7 was extremely important to him. But that didn’t mean he had to like it. So his rage at home, when there weren’t any cameras around, then that staged smile that would never reach his eyes while he was on stage with the boys made sense. It made even more sense with the statements that were released. It still didn’t explain why he had to step down - didn’t give a real reason whatsoever - and you weren’t the only one who noticed. Dispatch, several news outlets, and netizens were having a ball. Rumors were circulating faster than JYPE had a chance to respond to them. It was the buzz everywhere you turned. Why? Why wasn’t he the leader anymore? Why Mark? What was the real reason? You wanted to know more than anyone. Reactions seemed to have been mixed among the fanbase. Some I GOT7s said they would support GOT7 no matter what, some were happy about it, and others were sad or confused about the sudden change up. Fewer than few were bragging that they had guessed correctly about what was going on lately, and that the next step was Jaebum leaving the group. Then there were those who were outright furious, fansites going as far as to start petitions, saesangs attacking Mark and the other members through their social media. You were disgusted to say the least. Mark didn’t deserve the hate, the group didn’t deserve it, but you thought the company deserved every bit of the backlash they were getting. What? Was everyone just supposed to take the news sitting down and be okay with it? Jaebum opted out of their schedules for several days after the news, wanting to stay out of the spotlight. Fans, anti-fans, reporters - they would all bombard him with questions he didn’t want to answer, questions he wasn’t really sure how to answer. His mother called several times, but he refused to speak to her, leaving you to come up with excuses each time you answered in his place. The only members that tried to visit when they could were Jackson and Jinyoung, but he always demanded to know why they were there before ignoring them for the rest of their stay. He even ignored you at times. He kept to himself for the most part really, and when he did come out of the bedroom or his studio, it was to empty the cabinets of their alcohol. And when the alcohol ran out, he turned to you. It wasn’t what you were used to, no. There was nothing loving about it; it was selfish, desperate, and the roughest it had ever been. You only allowed it because it was what he needed - you wouldn’t ever deny him. At night afterwards, when he held you to his chest as tears ran down his cheeks and onto your neck, you pretended to be asleep so he could cry instead of holding everything in. Because while the temporary bliss did little to help keep the pain away, he still deserved some type of momentary reprieve. You were careful, always making sure you were the first one up the mornings after, never wanting him to see the marks on your skin. But luck wasn’t on Jaebum’s side as of late, or maybe it wasn’t on your side. “I bruise easy, baby,” you said, trying to reassure him as you hastily pulled on one of his boxers. “It’s nothing.” He stared at your body, lips turned down in a frown. The dark shadows, the purple and blue, some yellowing, were bruises. Most in the shape of a hand - his. He slowly reached out to you, lightly hovering his hand over one on your shoulder. A perfect match. His frown deepened as did his self-loathing. He retracted his hand and whispered, “You’ve never bruised easy. Not in the four years we’ve been together.” He didn’t touch you after that, not even going to bed, turning to sleep with his back to you. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt. Then it was time for him to go back to work. It had been so tense at home that you could only imagine how tense the atmosphere was between the seven of them when Jaebum joined them for schedules and overseas activities again. It hit you the day he left to join them in Japan: it’d only been ten days since the company’s announcement to the public, and Jaebum was already self destructing. . . . The second time he came home in a rage, you called Jackson and Jinyoung. Him being drunk, a rarity that was turning into a commonality for your boyfriend, added to the fact that he was still pissed off about Mark officially having taken over as leader of the group, made for absolute chaos. You couldn’t handle him this time, not with him destroying whatever he could get his hands on. They arrived in record-breaking time, wary looks on both of their faces. “Noona-” Jinyoung tried to speak, but you didn’t let him. You refused to hear whatever bullshit he was about to give you. “Don’t. You break, you fix. Now fix him.” Speaking through clenched teeth, cheeks stained with dry tears, you pointed to the kitchen right as something else hit the floor, maybe a plate or a cup, and broke, just like Jaebum. Jackson moved first, rushing to help his best friend. No matter what happened between them, he would always be there for Jaebum, loyal to a fault. Jinyoung, on the other hand, hesitated for a moment, looking torn between staying or leaving. “Park Jinyoung,” you whispered, voice thick. “For the past five years, seven in your case, that man has led you all. He’s taken care of your needs before his own. He’s put up with all your nonsense. He’s encouraged and helped you when no one else would. He’s never abandoned you.” Jinyoung bit his lip and sniffled, eyes trained on the ground. You kept talking though, because you knew he was forcing himself to listen. “For the past four years, he’s put GOT7 before our relationship, and I’ve never once complained. Now I am since you’ve all decided to watch from the sidelines as he falls apart. You’ve abandoned him. You’re ignoring the situation and I don’t know why, but you need to help him the way he’s helped you. I can’t do this alone - he needs you.” He looked up once you finished with an emotion you couldn’t identify on his face. His eyes were red and his lip was trembling, and if anything, it looked like regret. But could he have to regret? “We haven’t abandoned him,” he said. Your eyes narrowed in confusion, and he cut you off before you could ask him what he meant. “We’re still listening to him, even if he’s not the official leader anymore, because he’ll always be our leader.” “What do yo-?” “We’re ignoring the situation because he told us to, not because we abandoned him.” . . . On a rather dull evening a few weeks later, Jaebum decided to go out to clear his mind, this time asking you not to follow him. You were fine with that, positive that he was too drained emotionally and physically to do anything reckless, making an executive decision yourself: it was time to get answers. And where else better to get answers than GOT7’s dorm? Who else better to get them than the members of GOT7 themselves? Kunpimook had opened the door for you, eyes widening comically, but you found nothing humorous in that moment. “N-noona! What are you doing here? Hyung went home hours ago.” “I know but I’m not here for him. I came to see you all. It’s high time we talked, don’t you think?” you asked with a bite, head tilting to the side, eyebrow raised in a silent challenge. The look in your eyes was daring him to turn you away, poor kid looking like a deer caught in headlights. Your blood was boiling, and you really hoped he wouldn’t put up a fuss. He sighed, “I want to, trust me, we all want to, but-” It was then that Mark came to the door to see what was taking Kunpimook so long, paling upon seeing your face. “BamBam! What’re you-? O-oh.” Your name left his lips in a breathless whisper, as if he’d seen a ghost. “We need to talk,” you said to him. “Now we can do this inside, like adults, or we can do it right here and I won’t care who hears.” He grimaced. Mark wasn’t one for confrontation so he nodded slowly, and Kunpimook opened the door all the way to let you in. The boys looked unsettled by your presence, refusing to look you directly in the eyes, fidgeting like young students in their seats. You stood before them, feeling much like a mother about to scold her children. You even turned down Jinyoung’s offer of “have a seat and I’ll get you something to drink”. You didn’t need, nor did you particularly want, their hospitality. You weren’t there to exchange pleasantries, and they knew that. They knew what you wanted to talk about, yet no one even made an attempt to speak. That was the final straw for you. “Well?!” you exploded. Yugyeom and Youngjae flinched, but you couldn’t care less at that moment. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know why I’m here!” You scoffed when they insisted upon staying quiet. “So that’s how it’s going to be? Okay then. Why? Why did they make that decision? What did he do that leadership had to be taken away from him? Why did you guys allow this to happen?” You knew firing a thousand questions at them wasn’t the best idea right now, but your mind was reeling. The anger he felt all those months ago, all the anger you felt for him, was back in your system full throttle. How could his company do this to him? His own group for that matter? His so-called best friends! Then you remembered what Jinyoung had said to you the night you called him and Jackson. “What did you mean, Jinyoung? What you said to me, what did that me-?” “We didn’t “allow” anything to happen if that’s what you think,” Jackson spoke up, interrupting your interrogation. He stood up, eyes meeting yours, ire blazing in them. “So don’t come here pointing fingers when you don’t know anything.” “Really-” “Really!” “-because that’s not what the company is claiming! And I know Jaebum would do anything for the sake of GOT7.” “Do you believe what they said?” Jinyoung asked. His voice was quiet, contemplative. “Why wouldn’t I? You all say “jump” and Jaebum’s in the air before you even finished the word. So if you all agreed that it was best for him not to be leader anymore, he doesn’t have much choice does he? Because it’s in GOT7’s best interest.” It was Jinyoung’s turn to scoff that time. “Choice? None of us had a choice.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” You narrowed your eyes at him, but he didn’t answer. “Hello?” You clenched your fist, inhaling deeply. You were ready to give them a piece of your mind and let them know just how bad things had gotten at home, because it was obvious that they didn’t have a clue. They’d all be helping you if they did - not just Jackson and Jinyoung when it was convenient - instead of ignoring the problem at hand and waiting for it to go away on its own. “He doesn’t want us to say anything to you, so please keep this to yourself,” Mark requested suddenly. You were thrown off for a second but recovered and complied, nodding quickly. “It was… random. We were told that he wasn’t going to be joining us for schedules one morning, and that I would be filling his position as leader for the day. It started happening more and more, until we all got called into a meeting with JYP. Jaebum was already there,” he explained lowly. “There was no discussion. No explanation. Nothing. Jaebum though, he knew everything. JYP basically said I was leader from then on out, and that was that. When it was done, Jaebum… He looked so empty but he said his last request of us as leader was to accept it and ignore the fallout.” You remained quiet, taking in the information that was being given to you. It seemed like the boys too were tired of the situation and just as in the dark to the truth as you were. “Only he knows the reason, noona,” Youngjae spoke up from his spot on the floor. He looked a mess. They all did actually. Tired, upset, confused. They were suffering with you, with Jaebum. “What I told you, it was the truth. He said for us to ignore it, not to put up a fuss, to accept how things would be, and that he would deal with it on his own. So that’s what we’ve been doing,” Jinyoung added. “We know he’s hurting, but he won’t let us be there for him. He’s isolating himself from everyone, including you. You need to talk to him because you’re not going to get the answers you want from anyone but.” It felt like a bucket of ice water had been thrown on you. You never stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, they were being left out of the loop as well. Something ran down your cheeks and you realized it was tears, mentally cursing yourself for crying in front of the boys. “I’m so sor-” “Don’t apologize. We’re honestly surprised you didn’t come sooner,” Jackson admitted. He walked over to you, bringing you into a tight hug and rocking you side to side as you began to cry harder. “You’ve done so much for him throughout all of this, supported and taken such good care of him. I’m sorry we can’t tell you more or be of more help.” You felt him pull back slightly. “Jaebum has never been good at expressing himself, still isn’t really, but he’s different with you. Talk to him, okay?” “Okay.” You gave him a small, appreciative smile. “Thank you, all of you.” Jinyoung offered to walk you home. You wanted to decline as you needed some time alone to think through everything you’d learned, but the look in his eyes told you that there was something he wanted to tell you. What it could be, you had no clue. You hoped it wouldn’t add to the confusion though. You walked in silence for the first few blocks: Jinyoung carefully thought his words over, and you tried to prepare yourself for them. He knew something the others didn’t. To be honest, it would make sense if he did because he was Jaebum’s closest friend after all. Maybe Jaebum had gone to him with the truth, despite what Jinyoung claimed in the dorm. Maybe he knew the truth and had promised Jaebum that he would keep it to himself. That would explain why he looked so conflicted. It wasn’t until you were standing outside of your apartment building that Jinyoung’s voice startled you out of your thoughts. You looked behind you to see he had stopped walking altogether, standing with his head down and hands in his pockets. “What would you be willing to do for him?” His question stumped you. “For Jaebum?” He nodded. “What wouldn’t I be willing to do is the question you should be asking then. I’d do anything for him, you know that.” Jinyoung looked up, lips pressed together. He looked like he was about to cry, and his next words perplexed you even more. “Would you break up with him if it meant he could be leader again?” The question knocked the air out of you, leaving you completely floored. You blinked rapidly and licked your lips, unsure if he was really asking you what you thought he was. Jinyoung closed the gap between the two of you and placed his hands on your shoulders. “Would you do that for him?” “J-Jinyoung! You can’t be-” “I am. I’m sorry, but I am.” His voice broke at the end, a tear finally spilling over. Jinyoung loved you as much as he loved Jaebum. He thought you were perfect for his friend, and you would never know how much asking you that killed him. Tears blurred your vision again as it clicked in your mind. It all made sense - Jaebum’s avoidance to your questions, why he demanded the members kept their distance, why he kept you in the dark. It was crystal clear now, but that didn’t stop you from asking Jinyoung to confirm it for you. “Why didn’t he tell me?” Jinyoung bit his lip, shaking his head. “Please don’t.” You raised your voice. “Why didn’t he tell me, Jinyoung?” Head hung low, he answered, “Would you? Would you be able to tell the person you love that they’re the reason you lost one of the most important things in your life?” And you felt your world fall apart.

***

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.”

You remembered it clearly, the day you met him. Each and every insignificant detail of that day was ingrained into your memory: the torrential downpour you’d woken up to, your rush to get to class on time for your final, the unusually long line at the coffee shop making you more anxious than you’d already been. You perfectly recalled the significant details of that day as well: the stunning stranger in line before you, how he sensed your impatience and let you order before him only to get your scalding hot coffee on him, the reassurance in his voice as you repeatedly apologized, when he ran after you in the storm, the smile that seemed to make the rain go away and sun come out. It was nothing more than a chance meeting really, one you would have liked to have sans the accident in your haste. When you left the coffee shop, the things you immediately thought of were his eyes - eyes that held no malice or irritation despite what had happened - and his voice - a voice that you would have liked to listen to for a little while longer. Decidedly, he was someone you couldn’t forget, especially not after embarrassing yourself like that, but he was also someone you had been sure you wouldn’t ever see again. So it surprised you when he rushed out of the little shop to find you, not caring in the slightest that he was getting drenched. Of course you assumed he had come to his senses and was going to yell at you, yet the yelling never came. Instead, he stumbled over himself trying to get your number and beamed the most dazzling smile you’d ever seen. Neither of you believed in things like love at first sight or falling in love upon first meeting - adamant about such up until you met the other. Because while you fell in love with the smile a handsome boy, barely a man, graced you under the flashes of lightning and crashes of thunder, he fell in love with a beautiful girl, barely a woman, who spilled her drink all over him and didn’t have a clue as to who he was. It was an instant connection. The rest after that was a history full of enough passionate moments to start an inferno; enough cheesy moments that even the most romantic person would cringe at; and enough sickeningly sweet moments to give the most healthy person diabetes. The relationship that bloomed between the two of you was one romantic cliche after another, and you loved it just as you loved him. You’d fallen fast, hard, and all at once. Having grown up imagining the perfect relationship, where you and your partner would fall slowly for one another opposed to so suddenly, you weren’t prepared for the intensity. But then again, neither was he and that was okay, because you weren’t alone. You had each other to lean on. Back then that was all you needed. When the relationship was new and exciting, nothing could bring you down from cloud nine. Your lowest lows couldn’t compare to your highest highs, to the moments when you two were the only ones that mattered. The hassle of sneaking around for a meager twenty minutes, the petty arguments, the uncertainty and insecurities that came with dating an idol drifted away when he held you close at night, when he kissed away your worries, when he reminded you he loved you. Then the desire to go public struck you both with such intense want that his friends were worried he would do something reckless. But the two of you waited for JYP’s permission and blessing. The storm that came thereafter - the media frenzy, the backlash, the hatred, the invasion of privacy, the verbal and physical attacks - was everything and then some the company had warned you both of. At one point you even came close to ending your relationship with him - having succumbed to the viciousness of the saesangs that sought to make your life a nightmare - but he gave you strength. He reminded you that you were two, not one, so you weathered the metaphorical storm together, as you had done the real one the day you had met each other. However, now, for the first time in your relationship, you wished that you had broken things off. You wished that you’d had the courage to go through with it, to endure the pain, relive and cherish the happy memories, then move on. But that was selfish, so instead you wished that none of it had happened. You wished that you had been a few minutes earlier or later to the coffee shop, that he had made you wait like everyone else, or that he had been angry with you for spilling your drink on him. Better yet, you wished harder than any other time in your life that you had never met him, because then, maybe you would have been spared from the pain that came after Jinyoung’s confession. After all, the truth hurts, and this truth was excruciating. . . . “I’m not their leader anymore.” Im Jaebum, your boyfriend of four years - four happy, blissful years - was no longer the leader of GOT7. This was the truth. A fact you hated to accept. A nightmare. One of his biggest fears turned harsh reality. “As a leader, I do constantly think about where our fate will take us, and will I be good enough to lead them to it.” Mark was leader now. He was the one left to wonder if he was good enough to lead GOT7, not Jaebum. Not ever again. “After much thought about the future of the group, and discussion between all the members, it has been decided that JB stepping down from the position of leader is the best course of action for GOT7. “Seeing how JB is no longer fit to take on the role as such, the members of GOT7 agreed on Mark replacing him.” This was the delusion. The lie. The metaphorical blanket over the eyes of many - including your own until recently. No fair discussion took place; no one agreed on anything. “Would you be able to tell the person you love that they’re the reason you lost one of the most important things in your life?” It was your fault, the role of leader being wrongfully stripped from him. His suffering. His pain. His self-destruction. It was your fault, all of it. You were to blame. Of this, you were certain. . . . Jinyoung had been expecting an outburst of emotion from you when he asked you to break up with Jaebum. You could tell from how cautious and nervous he looked that he’d been waiting for you to curse or shout at him. He probably spent the whole walk to your apartment preparing for it, praying that Jaebum wouldn’t hate him for telling and hurting you. Instead you looked at him in incredulity, stayed awfully silent, and began to cry. He didn’t want this. He wanted you to scream at him until you were red in the face. He wanted you to hurl insults his way. That he could handle; this he could not. “Please don’t cry, noona. I know I look like the bad guy right now, and I’m sorry you had to find out this way-” “But?” you interrupted, voice shaky. “But what?” Jinyoung sighed. He looked like he was thinking of a way to try to explain his request of you, to somehow alleviate the sudden extra weight he’d dumped on you; however, the damage had already been done. “But we just want him to be happy.” You took a deep breath and nodded, tears streaming steadily down your cheeks. “And I’m keeping him from his happiness. Got it.” Guilt visibly hit Jinyoung, his eyes widening as realization dawned on him. Just as you forgot to think about the members, he forgot to think about you. You were sure that Jinyoung hadn’t sat down to really think about what you had been going through alongside Jaebum. Supporting him as you had been throughout the whole ordeal was draining and hard, but Jinyoung hadn’t thought of that. He had solely focused on Jaebum’s end of the predicament - you were absolutely positive of that. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come to the conclusion that the only solution was to break up with Jaebum. “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “You’ve always made him happy. You know you make him happy. I swear I didn’t mean it like that!” You turned away from him, having heard enough. He’d given you a shitty ultimatum and now wanted to make you understand where he was coming from? No, you weren’t having it. All you wanted to do now was make it to your apartment without breaking down, curl up in bed, and let out everything you were holding inside. “Jinyoung?” A voice called out in surprise. You froze. Lady Luck was all but gone from your side apparently. “Hyung!” You wouldn’t have been able to mask your surprise if you were Jinyoung either. “What are you doing here?” Jaebum asked, his voice closer to you two now. It sounded tight, with the slightest tinge of alarm, and you knew he had his eyes narrowed at his best friend. Jinyoung recovered with a smooth lie. Tuning out his response, you kept your back turned to them, facing the building’s entrance, your sanctuary so close yet so far. You had to get away otherwise you’d come undone right there where anyone who walked by could see - where Jaebum could see. In a few strides, you’d be in the apartment lobby, a few more to reach the elevator, then a handful of minutes after that, you’d be home. And that was where you needed to be before it became too hard to contain yourself. All you had to do was walk, one foot in front of the other. You found yourself short on strength though. “Jagiya?” And as such, Jaebum was your strength… and your weakness. A sob involuntarily escaped you, just as Jaebum touched your shoulder, and you clamped a hand over your mouth to silence it. How many more times would he call you “jagiya”? How many more times would he say you were his “sun and moon, and all the stars in between” only to cringe at himself for doing so? How many “I love you”s did you have left? Just thinking about little things like that made you lose it completely. It didn’t matter how hard you tried to stay quiet, the wails that followed were going to be heard. “Jagi! Why are you crying?” Gently cradling your face, Jaebum tried to get you to look at him, but you pulled away. “L-let me go.” You shrugged him off. “No. What’s bothering you?” he insisted, tugging you closer to him, and the more you two struggled the more suffocated you began to feel. “Tell me what’s wrong.” “Let me go! Let me go!” you shouted. You felt trapped, overwhelmed, and he wasn’t helping. He was crowding you, demanding answers that he probably already knew, whereas you right now needed space to think. You needed space to process the information that had come to light, but he wasn’t giving you any. So with as much strength as you could muster, you pushed him back. “Just let me go Jaebum!” The two of you stared at one another, breathing heavily. You didn’t want his gentle, yet firm touch that made you feel protected; you didn’t want his soothing, melodic voice that gave you comfort. For the first time in your four years together, you didn’t want Jaebum. That alone was more than enough to finish breaking your heart. The energy your body had used to push him was fleeting, taking whatever was left in you with it. You dropped to your knees, sapped, and sat back on the cold cement, sitting there forlornly. Exhausted. Defeated. You paid no mind to Jaebum and Jinyoung as they rushed to you, seemingly set to cry until you could cry no more. Are answers not what you wanted? Are they not what you’d been seeking? They weren’t the answers you’d thought you were going to get, but they were what you’d be looking for indeed. What happened next as a result of knowing the truth, as incomplete as it may be, was something you didn’t want to think about whatsoever. You couldn’t help but wonder though, how long would it have taken for Jaebum to be honest about the ordeal had you waited for him to open up to you? Before you would have defended the trust in communication between you two adamantly, but you weren’t so sure in that moment. Everything, the entire situation, seemed different. Jaebum seemed different. All the time and effort you’d spent trying to comfort him, trying to get him back on his feet, trying to put him back together - they were time and efforts in vain. And Jaebum, he’d been humoring you, letting you continue the charade when he knew better. But the cat was out of the bag now. According to Jinyoung, you were to blame for his distress. You were the cause, so how could you possibly be the cure? With every passing second, with each thought, you closed in more on yourself. Their words were fading into the background, no attention put to them. Their touches didn’t faze you, barely registered, not really felt. Their faces were a blur, but perhaps that could be contributed to the river of tears that came from your eyes. You were numb to everything that went on around you from that moment on: Jinyoung’s shaking shoulders, his stuttered apologies, his own tears. Jaebum’s arms around you, the frantic look in his eyes, the panic that had crept into his voice. None of it mattered. None of it reached you. It was all a waste. It was all futile attempts to pull you back from the abyss that you fell further into by the second. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Your cracks connected, your pieces finally falling apart. “Jagiya, talk to me, please!” Were you shattered now too? Were you just as broken as Jaebum? “What did you do to her? What the hell did you say?” “I didn’t want to, I really didn’t! But what choice did I have?” Yes. You were. . . . You realized that your life with Jaebum - your relationship - was never going to be the same again from that point on. . . . Whilst Jaebum’s attitude at home had improved over the course of the past few days, yours slowly dwindled. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t still mad over the whole thing, because he was. He just wasn’t going around in a blind rage, drinking more than he could handle, bringing about destruction wherever he went - which was a plus because you were absolutely positive you wouldn’t have been able to handle that in your state. As for such state, you weren’t faring well, but compared to how he acted when he was initially told he wasn’t leader, you were tame. The most you did was cry, gripe about lies, and mope around the house. There were times when you tried to get out, go back to work, but that usually resulted in you going home early. The third time you came home “sick” from work, Jaebum decided to stay with you instead of going to practice. To say the least, you weren’t pleased. “I think you should stay at the dorm tonight.” Jaebum was sitting on your side of the bed, next to you as you lay on your stomach, the both of you staring at the pictures on the wall, the one he’d broken all those months ago back in its place. His hand rubbed circles into your skin, running up and down the expanse of your back. He practically hadn’t let you out of his sight following the night of your little meltdown, lucky to have a few days off in fact. With those days, Jaebum made sure to take care of you to the best of his ability, trying to do for you what you had done for him. It was a heartwarming sentiment really, one you would have appreciated under other circumstances. “I said I think you should stay at the dorm tonight,” you said and turned over to face him. He hummed lowly, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. His hand glided down your body and settled over your waist before starting to move in a circular motion once more. Why was he ignoring what you were saying? You stopped his hand in the middle of its circuit. “I’m serious, Jaebum. Go to the dorm for the night.” “I heard you the first two times. I’d rather stay home, jagiya.” “Please don’t call me that.” He raised those neatly groomed eyebrows of his. A challenge. “What am I supposed to call you then? Are you not my jagiya?” “My name works fine.” “Are you not my jagiya?” he repeated, ignoring your retort all together. “Last I checked, we were still together.” You sat up, a fresh wave of tears rushing to your eyes, not that that was a new occurrence. As of late, the majority of your time was spent crying - which you were starting to resent ardently - and mulling over the inevitable. “For how much longer though? Until you can’t stand not being leader so much that you dump me?” Jaebum rolled his eyes and turned from you completely. “No-” “Until the company further threatens your standing in the group or contract then.” You cursed inwardly as your voice trembled. This wasn’t a conversation you wanted to have while crying. You wanted him to listen, to see reason not your tears. “No. Listen this isn’t up for discussion so drop it. I made a choice, therefore I have to deal with the consequences of it.” A choice you didn’t have a right to know about apparently, even though it affected you too. “How do you expect me to just drop this, Jaebum? Jinyoung didn’t tell me much, so that leaves you, the person I should have heard everything from in the first place!” “I’m not doing this with you.” He got up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom. “For the last time, we’re not talking about it.” “Why? What more aren’t you telling me? Why won’t you talk to me about it?” you snapped, annoyed with his dismissive attitude. You stood to follow him. It wasn’t fair that he got to avoid your questions, that he got to keep secrets. “Why Jaebum?” “Because there’s nothing to talk about, and that’s final!” With that, he slammed the door in your face, leaving you stunned in the darkness. Leaning your head against the cold wood, you sighed. Is this how every attempt to discuss this - whatever this was - would end? With him refusing to speak on the matter, continuing to shut you out? Were you supposed to pretend you didn’t know anything? Did he expect you to act like things were fine? Like nothing was wrong? Like the dynamic of your relationship hadn’t shifted? Throughout the four years you’d been with him, Jaebum never ran from confrontation. Jaebum was one of the most responsible people you knew. When there was an issue or problem amongst the members of GOT7, he would be the one to resolve it. Whenever you were going through a rough time, he immediately wanted to know and help you. The same with the far-and-few-between arguments you had - Jaebum wanted them resolved quickly. So why was he letting this drag out? Why was this any different? You stepped away from the door as the shower turned on. His unwillingness to speak about anything to do with leadership being taken from him and how you played a role in the decision told you one thing: you had to take matters into your own hands. For whatever reason, Jaebum wasn’t going to take the initiative, and that left you to. What that entailed, you weren’t sure yet, but you had to be the one to do so. You could only hope your actions wouldn’t bring about further pain, but as you crawled back into bed, drawing the sheets up to your neck, your gut feeling told you much more was to come. “Two, not one,” you whispered to yourself as the first of your tears cascaded down your cheeks. “We’ll make it through the storm together as two, not one.” That night you prayed you did. . . . You weren’t exactly sure how to describe what you were feeling anymore. Several thoughts and emotions were running through your mind, coursing through your being all the time, nonstop. It was exhausting honestly, but nowhere near as tiring as your meltdown thankfully. And while the mental breakdown from that night had been a result of stress and emotional turmoil, you weren’t sure what to blame your inner chaos on lately. Perhaps it was all the pent up anger, confusion, and sorrow. As opposed to before, you weren’t exactly sure as to where or who those emotions were being directed at. The company for betraying Jaebum as they had? Jaebum for not telling you the truth? Yourself for being the cause behind it all? It was a vicious cycle that continued with no end, often leaving you with a headache and additional questions to add to endless list that existed already. Jaebum was no help in answering these questions. He steered clear of any and all conversation to do with the topic like it was the plague. Any attempt on your end to discuss it was met with him shutting it down and you up. It usually resulted with him getting frustrated and leaving the room for some air, while it served to bring you more despair and tears, of which you had an infinite supply apparently. When he returned, it was always with the intent of making you forget about anything but the two of you. Although you never turned him away - craving his touch, his kiss, him, during a time you could still say he was yours - you wondered about when it would start to lose its effect. Needless to say, you hadn’t contacted Jinyoung for answers, not since he had walked you home. Just thinking about the audacity, the gall, he had to ask you to break up with Jaebum was enough to get your blood boiling. You knew he had the best intentions at heart for his friend and bandmate, but had he really forgotten that you were as in love with Jaebum as he was with you? Had he forgotten you had feelings too? He even had the nerve to text you, playing the “if you really loved him card” in hopes you would go through with it and leave Jaebum. For someone who hated being painted the bad guy, he was making it almost too easy. You decided the only other people you could possibly talk to were Mark and Jackson. Jinyoung was crossed off the list for obvious reasons - as was the maknae line because you highly doubted Jaebum wanted them involved - so that left the two rappers. Jackson, you believed, would have been the more preferable of the two, but with him constantly traveling between China and South Korea, it was going to be more than hard to sit down for some one-on-one chit-chat. A call could have worked, yes, but with such a busy schedule, you knew it was a stretch to try. Mark it was then. Surely he knew more than he had been letting on the night you confronted them, right? . . . Wrong. “I’m sorry, but I know as much as you do, if not less.” You rolled your eyes so hard, you could turn back time. You were sick and tired of the people around you apologizing to you. They apologized for every little damn thing and it was driving you crazy. Mark didn’t mean anything by it. He wasn’t trying to upset you, but unfortunately for him, that’s exactly what he had done. Plus, he had you at some hole-in-the-wall cafe before the sun was fully up just to say he didn’t know anything. You understood he had a schedule, but a simple text or call would have sufficed. Okay, maybe not, but still. It was too early in the morning for this shit. “Then why did you agree to meet me?” you bluntly asked. Your leg bounced up and down impatiently as you waited for his response with barely contained exasperation. Mark gave a half-hearted shrug, and it took sheer willpower, willpower you were severely low on, not to scream at him for doing so. “Jaebum,” Mark sighed. “He’s more concerned with whether or not you’ll be gone when he gets home from work than anything else nowadays. It has us worried about what’s been going on, you know? I guess I wanted to see how you were doing for myself.” You scoffed. Really? “Do the bags under my eyes tell you how I’m doing? Does the color of my skin tell you how I’m doing? Or maybe how fabulously the dark circles under my eyes compliments the lack thereof tells you how I’m doing. Let me ask you something Mark, how does it look like I’m fucking doing?” Mark flinched and stayed quiet, head down, and you instantly regretted snapping at him like that when he was looking out for you. It was easy to forget that Mark didn’t like drama of any sort, and this was probably all one big headache to him. “I-I’m so sorry, Mark, you didn’t deserve-” “No, it’s fine. Really,” he interrupted you with a shake of the head. “Can I ask you something serious?” You bit your lip, but nodded nonetheless. “Do you hate me because I’m leader now and not Jaebum?” His question genuinely surprised you, stunning you into silence. Did you hate Mark because he was the new leader of GOT7? He didn’t ask to be, but did that stop you from placing blame, if only a little, on him? No, it didn’t. You weren’t exactly impartial where this was concerned - Jaebum was your boyfriend after all. The question still remained though: did you hate him for being leader? “No,” you finally said after several moments. “I don’t hate you, Mark. Never have.” “Good.” He gave you a small smile. The barista called his order then and he excused himself to get your drinks. Turning your head to look out of the window, you frowned at the reflection that stared back at you. You looked lifeless, a shadow of your former self. This was exactly what Jaebum looked like months ago - dull and dead inside, a zombie on the outside. “Even if I did know more,” Mark spoke softly, startling you. He placed your drink on the table, choosing to remain standing. You turned your gaze up to him. “It’s not my place to tell you. It’s Jaebum’s. Remember he has his reasons, and when the time is right, he’ll come forward with the truth.” You refrained from another eyeroll, opting to nodding slowly and looking out the window once more. There went your last hope for clarity, right out the door. That left Jaebum the only one with the ability to give you semblance to peace of mind - as if that wasn’t already a lost cause. “I’m sorry,” Mark apologized again before leaving the cafe. “Me too.” . . . A little over a week after your meeting with Mark, a sense of foreboding filled you so badly, so unexpectedly, one Sunday morning that the only thing you’d thought to do was leave the apartment to escape it. You grabbed the first shirt and jeans your hands touched, yanked your phone off the charger, shoved some sneakers onto your feet and left. The sun was barely peeking over the horizon, the city still sound asleep, too early for its usual bustle and liveliness. But you, you were running. Running without direction or a place in mind. Just running to get away from the dread that had consumed you while you were asleep, as if that was possible. Where you found yourself was somewhere you held near to your heart though: the playground you and Jaebum had shared your first kiss at. You two had met up at the park in the wee hours of the night, after one of his practices, and wandered over to the playground tucked away behind the treeline. You talked for hours about everything, anything, and nothing at all, leading up to the kiss that was definitely one of your favorite memories. You stopped running once your were hidden from sight should anyone walk by, slowing to a jog then a brisk gait. A few feet from the old swing set, you came to a complete stop. That was where he’d kissed you. It had started sweet and slow, but was electrifying and turned a bit sloppy quickly. It was where you became addicted to his kisses. Walking over to the second swing from the left, you collapsed into the seat, listening as the dilapidated swing protested against the sudden weight. In a place that meant so much to you and Jaebum, it was hard to think about anything but you and him. You tried to think about the positive in your relationship and each memory you shared in the tiny playground: all the goofing around, stolen kisses with the moonlight as your only witness, the whispered proclamations of love. Inevitably, however, your thoughts wandered back to the dread that woke you up, and turned to where you and Jaebum were headed. Anyone could see that things would not finish well between you. Your love that burned with the passion of a thousand suns was rapidly approaching its violent end. The time you had left together as a couple was running out. The days were numbered. Just as you had fallen in love, fast, hard, and all at once, your relationship would end. . . . You watched your phone light up, illuminating your face with a call from Jaebum, his cheeky grin looking up at you from the screen. A bittersweet smile made its way to your face. You loved his smile; it was one of your favorite things about him. Always would be. It would be one of the things you missed most about him, if not the most. The screen went dark - another missed call - and your expression changed. Tears rushed to your eyes. An anguished frown replaced your smile. Could you go through with what you were about to do? Months ago, you would have sworn up and down, left and right, no. No you could not, but now? Now you were tired beyond belief. Physically, it felt like you were carrying dead weight on your back. Mentally, you were confused. Emotionally, you were unstable. And if this was the way to relieve yourself of your burdens, then so be it. “Jagi? Baby, what are you doing here?” You weren’t surprised he found you, not in the slightest. He knew you like the back of his hand. It wasn’t exactly like you were trying to hide either. If you had been trying to hide from him, you would have gone to some out-of-the-way park, and not a park you both frequented often. “What are you doing here?” Jaebum repeated and walked around the swing set to crouch in front of you. Your despondent attitude wasn’t lost on him. “You’ve been crying again.” His voice was soft. “What are you thinking about?” Jaebum, having woken up half an hour ago to find you missing from his side, had been tossed into a state of frenzy, automatically assuming you’d ultimately decided to leave him. But you’d been in the same spot for quite some time now, unmoving, like a statue. “Nothing,” you murmured, but you knew almost as soon as the word fell from your lips that he wasn’t going to accept that as an answer. He reached up to wipe away some of your tears before taking your hands into his own. “Why did you leave?” he asked instead, not wanting to pressure you into telling him what was on your mind, even though he already knew. “I wanted to be alone.” Jaebum’s gaze lingered on your expression for some time before he spoke. “What is it?” You looked away from him, sniffling. “I already said nothing.” “Jagiya.” On one hand, you were irked that he was so intuitive and observant. You had to play detective while all he had to do was look at you and put everything together. That wasn’t fair, not to you at least. A couple should be equals in their relationship, yet you were feeling like the lesser more and more lately. On the other hand, your answer hadn’t been convincing to your own ears, so how could it possibly sound convincing to him? He who had spent the last four years discovering and memorizing everything there was to learn about you; he who recognized your faults, your imperfections, and accepted them; he who knew you better than you’d ever know yourself. A finger brushed a piece of hair back from your face, tucking it behind your ear, before sliding under your chin. He wanted you to look at him. You, however, didn’t want that: his eyes would be your breaking point. Those eyes, those eyes you loved getting lost in so often, would be your undoing. He would see it in your own that you were hiding something from him. And once he got a good look at you, looked into your eyes, it would be nearly impossible to go forward with your decision. That in itself was dangerous to the both of you. You slapped his hand away from your face and stood. You needed to distance yourself otherwise he’d cloud your judgement. Jaebum stood as well, blocking you. “Move Jaebum.” You tried to walk around him, but his hands went for your hips. His arms wrapped around you, pulling you close to his body. You pushed his chest, but he tightened his grip until your body was flush against his. “Talk to me,” he tried once more. You shook your head, just wanting to get away from him. “Listen, if you’re still thinking about what Jinyoung said, you need to stop. For the last time let it go, please.” “It’s not only that, Jae-” “Then talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” “What isn’t wrong? Nothing is going right and I don’t know what to do anymore!” You knew exactly what you had to do, and you had to do it now. Gripping the front of his shirt, you rested your forehead against his chest. “Jaebum, listen-” “No.” “Excuse me?” you asked incredulously, looking up at him. He was staring at you, brown feline-like eyes narrowed, brows furrowed. “I know what you’re going to try to do,” he said. “And I’m not going to let you.” “Jaebum-” “No,” he repeated firmly, his protests overlapping you every time you tried to speak. “Will you-” “No!” “You can’t keep me from leaving you!” you screamed. At your outburst, you both fell quiet. His arms slowly fell from around your body and he stepped back. He clenched his jaw, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. “You’re right, I can’t keep you from leaving,” he started and you momentary allayment was crushed instantly with his next words. “But I know you won’t.” And although he hadn’t sounded completely confident in that statement, you recognized the strong possibility that he was right. . . . Air. You needed air. You needed air but there was something holding you back, something keeping you from it, constricting you, making it harder and harder to breathe. You tried to fight it, struggling to win a battle already lost and yet you didn’t stop. It was a weight that pushed down on you with all its might, on your chest, on your shoulders, on your back. It was testing you, pushing your limits, eager to see you fall. And fall you did. You woke up with a gasp, eyes flying open, heart pounding violently. You inhaled deeply, greedily, trying to fill your lungs as much as possible. A strong pair of arms tightened around your waist, tugging you back into a muscular chest. Lips found your shoulder. It was hot in the room, you noticed, and Jaebum smothering you wasn’t helping. If anything, it was adding to your discomfort and growing irritation. Was Jaebum the weight in your dreams? Was he the one suffocating you and not some ominous presence? You hoped he wasn’t. “Are you okay?” Jaebum whispered, placing a soft kiss on the nape your neck. “I’m fine,” you tried to reassure him. “It was nothing but a bad dream. Go back to sleep.” You untangled your legs from his and pried his arms off of your body. Snatching up his shirt from the floor, you pulled it on. There was no going back to sleep; it was useless to try. Jaebum watched as you changed into some tights and threw a hoodie on over his shirt. “Where are you going?” His voice stopped you at the bedroom door, sounding so desperate for such an intimidating persona. It almost made you want to stay, to keep him close, to promise you would never leave. Almost. “For a walk. I’ll be back in a bit.” He sat up. “I’ll come with you.” “No, Jaebum, you need to rest and I need to clear my mind - alone. I’ll be back before you leave,” you said, though you were determined to stay away from the apartment until he was long gone for his schedules. He swallowed before nodding. “Okay, call me if you need anything.” And the look in his eyes was imploring, begging you not to go. You dropped his gaze, muttering something that sounded like “see you later” to your ears before rushing out of the apartment. The ride down to the ground floor was an internal war raged within yourself. Each floor the elevator came to, you contemplated getting out and taking the stairs back up to your apartment. By the time you reached the lobby, you were hysterical. All it would take is a few minutes to hail a cab, get in, and never come back - you were that close. But each step to the entrance was heavier and heavier. You hadn’t even made out of the building, hadn’t set a foot outside, when you made up your mind, turned around and ran back home, back to him. He was waiting in the living room when you walked in, sitting on the couch with a tired, forlorn expression on his face. Lingering by the door, you waited until he spoke first. “I’m sorry.” That was the last thing you thought he’d say. For reasons you yourself didn’t know, you weren’t expecting him to apologize. What you did know was that it wasn’t enough. “I can’t accept your apology if I don’t know what you’re apologizing for. Maybe you’ll say “I’m sorry because my bestfriend told you the truth” or “I’m sorry because I kept the truth hidden from you”? Or maybe you’ll say “I’m sorry” and decide you’re done with this. Is this the part where we break up?” You knew you were being harsh, but right now, you were floundering, drowning in chaos and confusion, trying to make sense of an incomplete story. “No, no, it’s none of that-” “Then what are you saying sorry for? A simple sorry isn’t enough, Jaebum. It’s not going to fix anything.” “So what needs to be fixed? Please tell me what needs fixing. What do I have to do to make you happy again?” “How about you start by telling me the truth!” Jaebum shook his head in the negative. “I can’t do that. I won’t.” You scoffed, your pent up anger and irritation surfacing. “Why not? Why do you continue to ignore the elephant in the room? I was patient. I waited and I waited for you to tell me what was going on, but you said nothing. Instead you got drunk off your feet, you broke things, you hurt yourself, you hurt-” He stiffened. Stopping yourself before you could finish that thought, you licked your lips. “Wasn’t it bad enough that Jinyoung had to tell me I’m the reason you aren’t leader anymore instead of you? I don’t get it. Why were you so insistent on keeping me out of the loop? Answer me Jaebum!” “Because you’ll leave me!” He shot up from his seat, his shout startling you. “Once I tell you, you’ll leave. I know you: you’ll take it upon yourself to try to make things right and leave.” “Try me.” He clenched his fists. “You were ready to end things a couple days ago. What makes now any different?” “Absolutely nothing. It’ll still be my fault, regardless of what you say, but I deserve to know.” “For fuck’s sake, you became a distraction in their eyes, okay!” You flinched. The truth was finally out. Jaebum rubbed a hand over his face and tugged at his hair, inhaling and exhaling harshly. There was no point in stopping now - if he was going to tell the truth, it had to be everything. “You. Us. Our relationship became a distraction… I was told that I wasn’t focused on my priorities, that I was becoming reckless and had taken advantage of us being public, that I was setting a bad example for the members. There were people telling me left and right to break up with you, that a relationship wasn’t worth risking my career. Obviously, I didn’t listen and I knew there would be consequences. “That day I came home… That was the day I got called into a meeting. I was told that if I got away with it, the others would think they could too, and no one can have that, so in just in a few minutes, it was decided I was unfit to continue being leader.” Jaebum paused for a moment, eyes watering slightly as he recalled the meeting. “I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would blame yourself. You would leave thinking that was the only way for me to be leader again. But I’m not dying because I’m not in my old position; I’m not struggling to make end’s meet because I have some schedules taken away from me. I’m still in GOT7. I’m still an idol.” He slowly crossed the room to where you were standing, taking your hands in his. “Please trust me, believe me, when I say being leader didn’t ever bring me the happiness you do. It’s nice to feel important, to feel needed, but it’s always been so stressful and a huge responsibility. You make things easy, and you’ve always made me happy.” Tears brimmed at the corners of your eyes. “Then why did you act the way you did? Why didn’t you trust me?” Jaebum looked down at your hands, fingers having naturally intertwined. “‘Cause it hurt like hell. I might have known there was a possibility, in the back of my mind at least, but that doesn’t lessen the feeling.” His eyes met yours. “I’ve always trusted you, jagiya. I just thought, for once, I could be selfish. I’ve given up so much to be an idol that it wasn’t fair for them to ask me to give you up as well… I never thought it would blow up in my face like this.” His words, the soft tremble in his voice, the way it got thicker like a lump was in his throat - they hurt your heart. You let go of his hands to instead wrap your arms around his middle section. You molded yourself to his frame, holding him as close as possible, pressing kisses into his chest. “It may not have always brought you happiness, but being leader meant the world to you,” you began softly as you pulled away, carefully picking each word. “No, you mean the world to me.” Jaebum quickly interrupted. “Jaebum. Being leader meant the world to you, that’s why it hurt so much… I knew when we started dating that it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. Now we’ve hit an obstacle that I’m not sure we can overcome. You can’t choose me over your career, a career you’ve worked hard and many years for,” you said. Moving your hands to cup his face in one hand as you traced his features with the other, you smiled at him. A small, sad smile.

“I won’t let you.”

***

“I won’t let you.”

Those words echoed in his mind painfully. For some reason out of all the things you had ever said to him, these words that were only intended to love him, broke him. Your eyes were becoming more and more hollow… more and more red from the lack of sleep. Your skin stretched itself over your bones desperately. Looking at you, you were like a walking skeleton. Food became tasteless in your mouth and your appetite seemed to have run away. It wasn’t because of what you had been through that was tearing you up inside, but what you were going to do. Jaebum froze. His breathing halted as a single tear rolled slowly down your cheek and dropped on his hand. For the first time he couldn’t understand you. He couldn’t believe that you were willing to give up on him. On you. On this relationship. Anger started to fill up inside and he pushed your hands away from his face.

“No. No. Stop.” You frowned clearly confused at his reaction. Jaebum started to pace around the room with clenched hands and you couldn’t help but notice how white they were turning.

“Jaebum I-“

“No! You think you can leave me? Who the hell do you think you are? Do you know how much I love you? How much it will kill me to get over you? I don’t care about being leader! Why can’t you just…” you closed your eyes and sighed. Putting up with his moods was torture to you. He came home and would do nothing. He wouldn’t talk to you or let you in… All you would do is fight and it got to a point where you weren’t only giving up on his trust for you but life itself. Jinyoung was right. He was happy being a leader. There were about 3.5 billion other women in the world. Surely he’d be able to find somebody else. Somebody who wasn’t a distraction. Somebody good enough.

“You don’t have a choice in this Jaebum…”

“No I don’t.” He interrupted as he slammed his fist against the wall in anger. It made you jump a little but you quickly regained your composure. “But you are being selfish.” Unbelievable. Selfish? The last thing you were being was selfish. You were doing it for him! It angered you that Jaebum was being unreasonable. You had spent countless hours trying to get him to talk to you. Trying to get him to feel happy again. For four years you felt like you and him were united at the touch, as if one of you couldn’t live without the other one. But knowing that his anger; his desperation and his constant isolation was entirely your fault, all you wanted to do was fix the mess that you had caused. If saying goodbye to the only person that you really and truly loved meant that they could be happy, then that was what you were going to do. No matter what anybody says.

“I’m doing this for you! Because I want you to be happy!” He scoffed at your response and it hurt you a little. He was getting into that mood again. The mood that you tried so, so hard to free him from. Why didn’t he believe you? You had been by his side through thick and thin but if you put his career that he had spent years and years working towards against a small four year relationship. Clearly you could tell which was more important. Couldn’t you?

“No you are doing this for yourself. Because you hate to wake up to reality. You think it’s all going to go away just like that? That this mistake can be fixed at the click of your fingers? Well it’s not!” A mistake. That’s what he called you. A mistake. All of sudden the hugs and the kisses and small but loveable actions evaporated. All the memories and emotions that you had shared… gone. If you were a mistake, then everything that you had done together… all the laughs and smiles that you had given each other… the efforts that the both of you had put into this relationship was futile. Being a mistake would mean that he… regretted. That he no longer loved you the way that he had loved you at the start of those four years. “You want to leave? Then leave.” He glared at you with cold and stern eyes. They eyes that you thought you would be able to see everyday. Eyes that a moment ago were filled with love for you. But now, they were filled with hatred. But surely this was what you wanted right? To leave him so things can go back to normal right? But a strange feeling told you otherwise. Jaebum kept his eyes fixed on you as you stood still. If you didn’t move, he would and even though you knew he would never hurt you intentionally, fear creeped over your shoulder. “I SAID LEAVE.” He raised his voice and in one quick motion, he yanked the bedroom door open. You looked down and tried to not let any more tears down. You had to be strong and show to him that this was the right thing. That what you were doing was for him. Even if he didn’t believe you. Giving one last sigh, you dropped your head to the ground and walked foward slowly; not stopping until you were out into the living room. The door surprisingly hadn’t slammed shut behind you which meant that he was watching and praying that you wouldn’t go. That you would stop and cry and need him to comfort you. He hopes that you could see sense that without you, it would have meant he had lost everything he held dear. But to his dread, you didn’t stop. To his dread you kept walking foward until you got to the very front door. You didn’t even hesitate as you put your hand on the door handle, walked out into the cold hallway, and shut it quietly behind you. Waiting for him to run to you was agonising especially since you knew already that that was never going to happen but Hope buried deep inside you would want that to be real; for him to tell you that you were his everything and that you were more than his career. But he didn’t and you weren’t surprised.

“Y/n?” A familiar voice echoed in the hallway and you turned to see who it was, your heart stopped a little. Jackson gazed at you as worry stretched all over his face. After your conversation with Mark, Jackson was the first person who wanted to come see you. Jaebum was his best friend but so were you and seeing you in this state almost killed him. Half-heartedly you looked up at him; or at least you looked past him. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him in his eyes. If you did, Jackson would be able to see straight through you at all your pain and suffering. He took a step closer to you followed by another and another until he was but inches away from you. He could see how this whole drama had affected you. In a way, he could barely recognise the same girl that was standing before him. “How are you?” He knew the answer but to hear you speak to him would be an improvement from the isolation that you had put yourself through. Shrugging your shoulders Jackson lifted your chin to look at your red eyes and your tear stained cheeks. “Talk to me.” Talk to you. But what was there to say? That you were broken inside? That you and Jaebum were no more? That you were the reason that he wasn’t the Got7 leader anymore? That you were the reason why he was in pain like this? Jackson sighed and pulled you into a hug; his long arms wrapping around you like a cocoon and protecting you from everything. The one thing he expected you to do was to hug him back. But when you didn’t, it felt like all the love had been drained from you completely. As if all that was left of you was a corpse. A living, breathing, corpse. He pulled away from you and pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen behind your ear. Instantly you grabbed his arm to stop him which shocked him a little.It had reminded you through this small little action, of Jaebum and what he used to do. T made your heart ache for him and all you wanted was for it to stop. For all your pain and suffering to go away. “Don’t touch me like that.” You whispered barely audible but he heard it anyway and noticed how broken you sounded.

“S-sorry I-“ you dropped his hand and looked down at the dark hallway. You were almost out. Jaebum has told you to leave. No- he yelled at you to leave. And it was becoming harder and harder to control your tears from escaping down your cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s my fault. It’s my fault that he’s this way.” A frown stretched upon his face clearly confused at what you mean. Normally he could read you like a book but this form a vagueity was new to Jackson. In fact, surprisingly, he had no idea what you were talking about. I’m the mistake. “Jaebum and I aren’t together anymore.” You said quietly as your voice cracked and a tear finally escaped you. Jackson’s face softened and he could tell how much you were hurting. “I’m sorry I uh… have to go.” You turned to walk down the hallway but a hand grabbed your wrist stopping you from leaving.

“Please y/n. Tell me what’s going on. Where are you going?” Should you? Should you tell him? No. If Jaebum wanted it shared he would have told them. He would have told me instead of making me run around in circles trying to get him back to normal. But clearly trust was not something that ran with him or this group and as quickly as you could, you broke free from his grip, bolting towards the stairs. Jackson called your name as loud as he could to try and get you to turn around and come back to him. But instead you kept running. You ran down the fire escape and out into the lobby. You didn’t stop until you were out into the cold air. Stupidly you had forgotten to take a jacket so there you stood in nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. You were out. But now….

You were nothing.

Jackson slammed his fist on the door, shouting at Jaebum to open it. He had called you thirteen times with no answer. Mark and Jinyoung has tried also but once again it just went to voicemail. Either your phone had died, was with you but you were ignoring it or it lost somewhere and the chances of you losing it were well… unlikely. Jackson grew impatient as he slammed the on door harder and harder begging for Jaebum to let you in. After about 10 minutes, Jackson was greeted by another sullen face. A face that looked like Jaebum’s But somehow didn’t feel like Jaebum’s at all. Like you, he looked like a broken mess and it scared Jackson completely. He huffed loudly as Jaebum glared at him. It seemed like this was the only thing that was etched on his face. That and pure sadness. Jackson pushed him aside as entered the apartment hoping to see that he was in a better condition than you. But now. Everywhere around him, things were broken. Glass frames were shattered that contained pictures of you and him; ornaments and dishes had been smashed; chairs and tables had been tipped over. It was a mess. And Jaebum was in the centre of it all.

“She left. She fucking left.” Jackson knelt in front of Jaebum and saw exactly what he had seen in you. “I told her to and she did. I mean I didn’t think she actually would but… she’s gone.” Jackson surrounded him in a hug and tried his best to console his friend. Yet nothing seemed to shift inside of him.

“Jaebum. Tell me what the fuck is going on. I saw her outside and she looks…” he couldn’t even begin to describe you. Fear stroke through him as his phone vibrated to see Jinyoung’s number light up his screen. “Hello?”

“Jackson.” Jinyoung’s deep voice was quiet but stern and immediately something inside him told him that the news he was about to hear was not good.

“What’s up? Did you find her? Is she okay?” Silence creaped over the phone and Jackson couldn’t help but think of possible situations that you could be in.

“We’ve looked everywhere. We’ve gone to the beach, the park, her favourite cafés and shops… we even went to the studio to see if she could have gone there. Nobody has seen her.” Jackson closes his eyes as he tries to think of all the places you could have gone to but nothing special that hasn’t been searched for comes to his mind. He turns to Jaebum but he seems out of it still shell shocked that you left and didn’t come back. “What did she tell you exactly?” Jinyoung asked through the phone. Jackson’s fist clenched as he continued to look over at Jaebum. How could he just sit there? How could he not be out there looking for you? You could have been seriously hurt yet Jaebum did nothing.

“They aren’t together anymore.” Jackson echoed your words regrettably and Jaebum’s head dropped even further. He scrunched his face and his body started to shake as tears started to fall down his face. Everything he loved had been taken away from him. Everything. What would he do if something happened to you? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Jinyoung could hear his muffled cries through the phone and he kicked himself at them. He knew it wasn’t his place to have told you but in doing so, it would mean that Jaebum would be able to get his position in the group back. He would be able to become leader again. Yet for some reason, a part of him thought that perhaps that was not what he wanted.

“Keep looking for her. I don’t think we can pick up the pieces if something… happens.” He hesitates eyeing Jaebum up and down at his shrunken form. The line goes dead and Jackson sighs looking around the apartment and back to Jaebum. He had to snap him out of this. Suddenly, something catches his eye in the corner of his peripheral vision. On the table face up, the glass picture frame with a picture of Jaebum and you together at Jackson’s birthday party lay now broken and cracked further than it was the last time he came here to check up on Jaebum. He stared at it intently and gazed upon how happy you looked. How happy he looked. Before this whole escapade started. He remembered how Jaebum had given you a small locket to remind you of him should anything happen to both of you. He remembered how you seemed to fall hopelessly in love you seemed when he put it around your neck. And more when it got caught on yugeom’s jacket and broke. Jaebum followed his gaze and the small whimpers and body shakes stopped.

“They said she was distracting me from my work. That she wasn’t good enough. It was either break up or give up being leader. I had to choose and since I couldn’t-“ he chokes a little on his words as he thinks of all the possible scenarios that he could have chosen to handle the situation instead of running you down. Instead of driving you away. Instead of inflicting so much pain. “I couldn’t keep them both so I was selfish and I chose her. But I acting like a fucking dick and made life harder.” Jackson sighed and looked back at the picture. It doesn’t matter anymore. “Instead of dealing with it… I just shut her out.” Jackson put his hand on his shoulder for comfort and looked Jaebum in the eyes. “She’s gone Jackson. I lost her. I lost everything.” Suddenly a loud knock on the door rang out and Jackson’s head snapped up. He was hoping it was you. That you had come back to pull Jaebum out of his mood. But a part of him knew that it probably wasn’t. And he was right. He opened the door to Mark and yugeom. Their hair was messed up and their breaths had hitched up to panting.

“The other guys are still looking. They sent us here just in case she came back.” Jackson’s face froze as if what he had just said to him was the worst news ever. They looked around at the apartment that surrounded them. They could hardly tell if people actually lived here rather than it being a blitz. In the centre of it all, Jaebum doesn’t do anything. He just sits and stares into space. “Jaebum. Get up.” Mark’s voice wasn’t kind anymore but thunderous and aggrivated. Yet Jaebum didn’t listen. He didn’t want to listen. Instead all he wanted to was sit and stare at the disaster that he had made: Of himself and of you. “JAEBUM GET UP.” This time is snapped him out of his trance a little and the he looked up to face mark. Their eyes locked with each other and he could see in jaebum’s eyes the terror and exhaustion. He could tell from a mile away that he wasn’t himself. He never had been. Instead he had been moping around; shouting at everyone and blaming the world for his problems and for his carelessness. “You know I met with y/n the other day. We went to grab a drink to talk about how she was doing. And clearly you’re too blind to see the torture she’s in so let me fill you in: Whilst you’re pining and acting like a child, she’s the one who has to clean up after you. Do you know she doesn’t eat? She doesn’t sleep either. No instead she’s too worried about you losing your cool and going on a freaking rampage. She‘s killing herself. Or actually on second thoughts, YOU’RE killing her.” Jaebum stood up ready to attack Mark full on. To challenge his words and to tell him that he’s wrong or at least to stop talking about you like that. But instead, he started to weaken and panic. Was this really how things were? Did you really not eat? not sleep? Jaebum’s biggest fear was coming home to find you gone. After practice, he’d rush out like his tail was on fire and when you sat by the window sill staring into space, relief would swarm him. “She’s not even human looking anymore. More like a ghost. And we get it. You had to make a decision. Her or being a leader and to be honest if I was in your position, I’d pick her always but to make her suffer like that? The way you did? It’s pathetic. The real Jaebum- OUR Jaebum isn’t like that. SO WAKEUP.” Silence rang out as Mark had finished. It wasn’t usual of him to shout like that but it seemed like ever since JYPE had cut Jaebum from leader, reality didn’t exist anymore. Just a nightmare. But for the first time in a long time… Jaebum had snapped out of it.

Jaebum had woken up.

***

Jaebum blinked a few times, whilst taking in the mess that he had made. How could he have done this? Like everything around him, his relationship…. the one thing he truly cared about had been destroyed. And it left the boys wondering what exactly you were doing and where. A large shiver went ran down his spine. This whole scenario- you going missing, it didn’t sit right with him. Normally you would run off to a friends apartment or perhaps go to the old train station to watch the people go by; but you were nowhere to be seen. It was like as if you had never existed. His fear only enhanced when the rest of the boys came in to the apartment. If anything, Jinyoung had hoped that you would be sitting on the couch when he got back… but even that was empty and overturned. There was no sign of you.

Jaebum’s eyes started to water again. Perhaps he had lost you. For good. Perhaps you had left and he would never see you again. Perhaps-

Just as another dark thought came rushing through his mind, Jackson felt his phone vibrate. It made his heart stop for a second and he prayed it was you and not a police or ambulance number.

Thankfully, it was.

For two seconds, he had no idea what to do let alone what to say. If anything, he just stared at it. Jaebum looked over too and even he could feel his heart skip beat after beat. His eyes were filling with hope as if they were begging that you were okay and potentially coming back. Everyone in the messed up apartment had their eyes fixed on it as well. All that was left was the sound of Jackson’s phone and your caller ID. Before you could vanish again, Jackson answered and put his phone to his ear. You had a habit of knowing when you were on speaker even if everyone was dead quiet. It was better for everyone if he only heard what you had to say.

“Y/n.” He waited. Nothing. Did the call cut off?

“Jackson.” A bary audible croak echoed on the other side of the phone. Your voice sounded so broken. Like this was the first time you had spoken in years.

“You okay?” Jackson lowered his voice to match hers in hopes to hear a giggle or something from the other side of the phone. As soon as the question was asked, more silence rang out. That meant no.

“I - I’m sorry I made everything worse. This is my fault. Jaebum being like this… it’s my-“

“Stop. It’s not.” Jackson raised his voice back to normal. Like Jaebum, he had a horrid feeling in his stomach. One that wouldn’t go away. “None of this is your fault. You deserve none of this.” Jackson was trying so hard not to cry. What with Jaebum being a total mess and the other members so involved as it is, he had to be strong. But even that was proving difficult.

“Where are you. Please… y/n…. please tell me where you are. I’ll come get you and I promise this will all be fine.” Jaebum listened to Jackson’s pleas. It made him realise that his stupidity and ignorance not only had destroyed you, but the rest of the group too. It wasn’t your fault. It was his.

“I’m- I-“ you stuttered. You wanted to tell them. Soooo badly. You wanted Jaebum to come rescue you. You wanted to be together again and to be happy. But miracles and dreams, you found, didn’t always come true. You closed your eyes and felt the wind whip against your cheeks.

This is all you. You’re nothing but a mistake. A distraction. You were the cause of everybody’s suffering.

“Can you put me on speaker?” Jackson hesistated, but did so anyway. A tear fell down your cheek when they called out your name. Those boys… they were your world. But you were why they were hurting. So you had to go.

“Guys… I love you all so much. And I’m sorry I haven’t been strong enough lately to deal with all this on my own. I’m sorry I had to drag you down.”

“But you didn’t. And you don’t have to deal with this on your own.” Hearing bambam’s voice made you so happy. You couldn’t remember the last time you spoke to him.

“No… I’m supposed to make sure everything is okay. I’m supposed to support you but I didn’t.” Jaebum could hear your cries over the phone and it felt like a dagger to his heart. What did he do to you? How could he have been so cruel?”

“I - I - l-love y-you Guys s-s-so mmuch and I-“

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” As soon as Mark has said that, everyone had looked up after thinking the same thought. You were calling to say goodbye. “Answer me. Why are you saying goodbye.”

You sighed. You couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“I can’t do this anymore. I just want this to be over. Maybe this way I can stop hurting people-“

“No. No. No I know what you’re doing and I’m warning you now you’re aren’t doing that.” Jackson was yelling now. He needed to find you. “For fucks sake y/n tell me where you are.”

“I’m sorry.” Then the line went dead. Silence. Nobody moved a muscle. Nobody said anything. That was until, Jackson threw his phone across the room. This wasn’t fair.

“Jackson-“ Jaebum spoke for the first time since that phone call and right now, his voice only angered him.

“Don’t. You dare.” Instinctively, Jaebum bowed his head. This was a time when he kept his mouth shut. Mark stared out of the empty window. It was the only one that had been smashed. What intrigued him however was the crowd of people staring up at him. It was confusing because there really was nothing to see other than-

Finally it sunk in. He knew

Exactly where you were.

“JACKSON.” Mark yelling caught everyone off guard. So much, that Jackson lifted his head up and spotted the commotion below.

He knew too.

Jaebum looked out and opened his eyes wide.

The only place they didn’t look.

The rooftop.

Standing on the edge of the ledge wasn’t as scary as you thought. All you could feel was unbearable pain. It was like you were living in your own version of hell.

“I’m sorry.” You hung up the phone and pressed it tightly to your hand. This was not how you thought you were going to go out. Initially, you thought you’d be sitting next to Jaebum, children and grandchildren around you with your silver hair cascading way past your shoulders. You’d be happy. You’d be free. You’d be living the dream. Letting go of your phone, the clunk of it hitting the ground woke you up from your trance. The real world want like that. This was your exit. If you looked down, a commotion had started to form. Great just what I needed. But you had no other choice. It was either fall or continue living a life of disappointment day in and day out. Closing your eyes, you hovered one foot out and started to lean forward-

“STOP.” Your eyes opened wide as you recognised the voice behind you. You prayed it was just in your head… but turning around and you could see Jackson, Mark and Jaebum behind you.

No no no!

“Please don’t do this. We can work through this I promise just please… get down from the ledge.” Mark steeped toward slowly with pleading eyes. “You think this is the best way to solve anything!?” Once again you stayed still, with your left foot hover over the edge. One little lean. That’s all it takes.

“Please.” This time it was Jaebum who spoke. He edged forward as to not scare you. “Please don’t do this. I need you.”

Those words. You could give anything to hear those words everyday.

“No you don’t. You need got7. Not me.”

“YES I DO NEED YOU.” You wobbled as he shouted and as you do, he springs forward a little bit not enough to hold you. “Do you honestly think it won’t kill me? To leave me like this? How could you be so-“ he stopped. He was doing it. Again.

“Selfish?” You nodded in agreement. “ I guess I am. Because I can’t keep fighting a battle made for two on my own. Jaebum couldn’t stop his tears from falling. If you fell, he wouldn’t be able catch you in time.

“I love you so much.” You shivered in the cold air. “And I’m so sorry.”

And with that, You leaned back, and fell.

Dying was not like this. You know because you wouldn’t be able to see anything. But you could. You could feel. Hear. You know that this isn’t death.

As you open your eyes, you see that you aren’t on the ground below you… rather, you’re in someone’s arms. You lift your head up and recognise the soft brown hair of Jaebums.

No.

You can smell his usual cologne.

Impossible.

You can hear his irregular breathing.

I’m alive.

Jaebum moved his head to look at you and when he locked eyes with you, it felt like he had died and come back to life. You were there. You were okay. You were safe. He was faster that he thought he would be. Immediately he pulled you into another hug. As soon as he did, his body shook with tears; and that made your heart ache.

“Never do that to me again. I’m begging you please. I love you too much. I don’t care about being the leader. I’m still in got7. But you…”

Speechless. That’s what you are. You enevelopd Jaebum in a tighter hug as he continued to cry.

“I can’t live without you…”

You nodded. “I’m sorry. And I promise I won’t leave again. I promise:

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movietvtechgeeks · 7 years ago

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Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/supernatural-fandom-cyberbullying-microcosm-aka-donald-trump-effect/

'Supernatural' fandom cyberbullying microcosm aka Donald Trump effect

Since Donald Trump walked through the White House door to become America's 'bully in chief,' we've noticed that there seems to be a seething anger and frustration among people who have begun to follow his lead online. Presidents set the tone of the country, and we all know that the tones he is setting off are very unsettling, and in the past year cyberbullying has stepped up. It's always been there, but when our leader is using Twitter as a weapon against voices he doesn't like (or who disagree with him), it gives permission for others to follow suit. To me, using the "Supernatural" fandom was shining a light on a microcosm which reflects how Trump is infecting our country with his hatred, racism, and bullying. While we were considering how to tackle this subject objectively, one of our writers mentioned a piece on Tumblr which really stood out to me for just saying it like it was. Rather than tiptoe around and try to appeal to everyone, this writer put it out there and held the mirror up for everyone to look at themselves. I personally liked the idea of having a real diehard "Supernatural" fan be the voice of the piece. It came as no surprise that while many felt a sense of relief that 'someone had finally said it,' a small minority tried spreading their vitriol to disavow it. Even going so far as slandering us, and I would like to personally thank Entertainment Weekly for being so supportive with one person's false claims. The wonderful thing about holding a mirror up is that the real bullies wound up showing everyone exactly who they were on social media. They are using the exact same tactics that Donald Trump uses on Twitter by attacking, and when hit with a rational answer, they throw out a shiny object to distract from the fact that logic and rational thought is something they don't deal with very well. This was exactly why this piece was so important to me as we are allowing Trump to infect aspects of our lives that should be reserved in the form of entertainment. A show like "Supernatural" is a great way of escaping the fact that 26 people were shot to death in church this past Sunday, 30 people die every day in this country from guns but the Republicans and NRA tell us that by talking about it we're politicizing a tragedy, the people in Washington that should be working for us are screwing over the middle class and lower income people by trying to take away their health care while raising their taxes. With the way things are in America right now, we need a form of escapism so when this small minority needing attention tried to spoil a show like "Supernatural" for everyone; the time seemed right to discuss this. It wasn't to dredge up old news as this group never seems to stop and every day they choose a new person or actor to go after. Can you imagine: if the person on Twitter who literally spent over nine hours yesterday trying to round up people to force us to take the cyberbullying article down from our site used that time to call their local elected officials or volunteered for a cause they believe in, they could bring so much positive change into the world. That was another big reason for covering this topic. When Trump was elected one year ago, I went through the same anger, frustration, and depression, but rather than lash out wildly; I realized that by showing our readers what Trump and the government were doing it would be more proactive and way more fulfilling. We can all make a positive change and realize that all the pent-up anger can be released this way rather than clubbing each other over the heads continuously. Having lost a close friend of MTTG to suicide after being cyberbullied, here is a link to help that from happening to others. So in response to questions asked about the previous article, we felt it only right to allow Surflove808 to answer the critics. We know that you can never satisfy everyone, this fills in those gaps that this small minority has tried to fill with hatred, lies, and innuendo. So again, we thank Surflove808 for allowing us to reprint her piece of mind. This is the author's opinion, and we respect it as we do all opinions. (this has not been edited and is in its original form) [caption id="attachment_50856" align="aligncenter" width="696"] Source: YouTube[/caption] Regarding my blog post re: The Joke Debacle, most everyone has been so thoughtful, mature, kind and open-minded about the discussion matter, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with me. So that right there, shows me that it’s possible for all of us to be more understanding with each other regardless of our ships or faves or whatever. And I’m an open-minded, open book, so even if you don’t agree with me, this is a safe place to vent concerns or frustrations with what I say. We can all respectfully disagree, meet in the middle or go just back to our own corners. Whatever. I’d like to encourage those of you who are taking your frustrations out on anyone who agrees with points made in my article (on Twitter or wherever) to come speak directly to me if you have an issue. I wrote it, after all. My blog is helpfully linked right there in the article. I don’t bite. And for those of you who aren’t overly familiar with what’s going on, please check out the many, many comments attached to my actual blog post, and you will be able to see that there are far more people that are fed up with these bad apples, than there are bad apples. I hope. And if there are apples that don’t feel like they’re being given a fair shake, I’d like to hear from those apples too. When I posted my angry rant last week, I didn’t expect it to gain so much traction. But it did…and it showed me I wasn’t alone, and that there are a lot of fed up fans out there, and justifiably so, who are looking for an end to this ridiculous inner-fandom civil war. I’m relatively new to Tumblr. I wasn’t expecting to become the unofficial mouthpiece for this issue. I was approached by movietvtechgeeks.com asking if they could use my blog post in an article about the cyberbullying that’s happening in this fandom, so I said “Sure!” I’m honored that someone would want to print my rambling. But of course, it’s also opened up the floor on Twitter, yet again, for certain people to deliberately misconstrue the content and twist it to suit their own agenda in the comment sections. What they fail to realize is…they’re only proving why we needed this article in the first place. So, joke’s on them!! However…. now I feel obligated to come on here and clarify my intent and that’s friggin irritating. Here is the article if you want to take a look see: https://twitter.com/movietvtechgeek/status/927578926397952000 I NEED TO MAKE A FEW THINGS CRYSTAL CLEAR (apparently):

I don’t have a ship. I don’t dislike shippers. (Ship away! I just dislike pushy people with no sense of boundaries) So please do not misconstrue anything I say as promoting or denigrating *a* ship. You do you. Let me do me. Well, that sounded vaguely dirty… you know what I mean. I’m just gonna ship me with myself now. Nobody can love me quite like me.

I don’t stanan actor, and I don’t think that because someone likes “another” actor (whomever that might be) more, that it’s a direct affront to me or them. I tag all these “relevant to the post” actors because I think they’re all relevant to the success of this show, and sadly….also to this juvenile ridiculousness that seems to be brewing between fan factions.

But, if I’m being honest? Full disclosure: I do have a favorite! Jensen. Heyyyoooo! I think he’s an incredibly talented actor IN MY OPINION, and I like his extraordinarily expressive face. See? Simple as that. Is that a problem? And do you feel better now that it’s out in the open? We can all have opinions, and favorites without “throwing feces like howler monkeys” to quote a certain dickhead angel. And as far as personalities and talent go? They’re all amazing, and they all belong, IN MY OPINION. The main cast, the supporting cast, new castmates, former castmates…. they all just…gel. You know? It’s some kind of voodoo magic. And they’re by all accounts, really decent people doing good things out there in the world. Without any one of them, it wouldn’t be the show we all know and love. And if you don’t love the SHOW, well….I guess fucking go watch something else? Right?? Listen….Unless you’re tied to a chair Clockwork Orange-style, and being force fed this show by some evil, covert government agency… you DO have other choices.

I sucked it up and joined Twitter because there seems to be an attack dog, hive-mind situation happening that seems hell bent on cowing people into submission. That shit doesn’t fly with me. And if I’m on there and see bullying, damaging misinformation or harassment… I’m going to get in the fray. But I’m going to TRY to do it with honesty, integrity and a sense of humor. I want to sit at the adults table on Turkey Day. Not at the kids table with Weird Uncle Augustus. Know what I mean? Don’t be that guy.

AND ONCE MORE FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK: To be clear - I’m not speaking to ONE specific group of people. However, if you look into the mirror I’m holding up and see your own reflection? I’m probably talking to you.

I’m not going to choose a “side.” I choose the show, it’s actors, crew, writers, etc, collectively. Because they all work their asses off, both on and off the set to give us fans so much more than just entertainment.

If someone wanted to hold a mirror up to this fandom right now, via a juicy documentary on the ship wars, fighting factions, undermining, conspiracy theories, revenge tactics, harassment campaigns, etc…. I think its safe to say, we’re all gonna be pretty fucking embarrassed. Let’s hope that never happens. I’m cringing just thinking about it. But we deserve it, if we keep on with this petty bullshit, ya know? 6. My blog post was not about for J2 "stans” or aboutMisha “stans,”for gods sake people. This post was about how splinter groups (for lack of a better term) were being damaging and disruptive (As they do.) and how it’s bad for EVERYONE when we let warring factions steamroll over everyone else, AND each other. This post was a direct response to the organized and brutally efficient Twitter campaign that somehow found its way into the laps of a handful of online news sites in an effort to publicize an off-color joke in order to take advantage of the current climate in the entertainment industry and start a viral witch hunt. *I just ran out of breath. Time for a James Brown pause*

My post was also aimed at the Twitter spamming campaigns that Shatner and Pellegrino, as well as J2 had to put up with in the past few weeks. And don’t feed us that horsehit about them bullying the poor fans that spoke their minds. NO.Youcollectively went on, and started shit, kept coming at them, and they defended themselves. And rather maturely, considering. It’s about groups of people that have gotten so wrapped up and out of control, that they’re poisoning this fan family. I genuinely feel concerned that some folks are confusing reality with fiction, here.

If you look back farther on my Tumblr page (?) to the good ol days of last Thursday (?) - particularly the Silent Majoritypost - that post is not in reference to anyfan or any actor, specifically. It’s in reference to the majority of fans who want to do the right thing, WANT to help out, WANT to just enjoy the damn show without all this drama and hate. But because they’re quiet, and they’re not able to speak their minds without fear of retribution…. they’re vastly under-represented. And so, the assholes of the fandom run amok unchallenged. THAT’S the majority I’m speaking of. 9. I abhor anyone that lurks around on social media looking for people to mess with. So, imagine my surprise and disappointment that now I’M that person, because of this fucking shit!! I’m only getting after people who are picking on others, but still… lurking, arguing. Utter waste of valuable time. Yours and mine.

Saturday night I apparently pissed off the leader of one of the SPN gangs (what do you call them??) when I called her out on her behavior and was ominously told: “Wanna see what happens when I tell my followers what to think and do.” To which I responded “I already have. And it’s deplorable” And then offered to provide her with my name, # and home address. She didn’t want it. I don’t know why. I thought it was funny! I NEVER get hate mail… and I was looking forward to some postcards. I’m old school that way. Don’t hate tweet me. Send me a hate postcard featuring something cool from your state. Jokes aside….that’s the kind of crap that mobilized me in the first place. I tried to have a reasonable conversation with this individual and even asked if she wanted to take it offline and talk. I followed her lead, conversationally, did snark back when required…but just when I thought we were going to have a reasonable discussion, she pulled the rug out. I tried. If you’re reading this and you feel misrepresented, or misunderstood, or you’re trying to misrepresent our conversation - the door is still open if you want to talk. But I’m not going to tolerate your bullshit, and neither should anyone else. Who ARE these people? And why is this happening? That’s my question.

I’m not here to listen to arguments that a 6-year old might find compelling in a court of law, such as: Well, Jensen told that joke a year ago, or Misha said thisthatandtheotherthing back in the day…so why are you only talking about Jared's joke?

Well…because this is not a tit-for-tat thing. I’m talking about the issue that is relevant RIGHT NOW. And this is far from a "blame it on Jared” thing. I feel awful for the guy. For both of them for even being looped into this insanity. The intent of my blog post was to address very current events that have been demonstrative of the current, toxic climate brewing in the SPN fandom. I’m NOT here to write the Unabridged History of SPN Actors and Their Fondness for Off-Color Jokes.

If you’re all wound up and offended by what I wrote? It’s probably because I wrote this blog post not foryou, but aboutyou. OR, you’ve not been provided with context, content or clarity, and you got swept up in this manufactured hysteria and reacted. OR, you think I’m a total asshole, and that’s ok. I get it! And I understand how my post could make some of you defensive and prickly. But hey, as the saying goes… don’t start none, won’t BE none. On the flip side, as someone eloquently stated (ahem, Carol Hansson) “It’s ok to be offended….it’s also ok to not be offended.”

I am not a rape apologist. And neither are the actors. And to even insinuate that any of us, by extension of supporting Jared or Jensen in this situation, are pro “rape culture,” is appropriating a term and using it so irresponsibly that you’re negating the real suffering of sexual abuse survivors. The more you trivialize it, the more you take away its power. Stop using manufactured concern for survivors as your jumping-off point for harassment, and START asking yourself what’s really motivating you to use that argument as an excuse for your behavior. BTW, #Metoo, and you sure as hell don’t represent ME.

If you want to see a record of this casts achievements for mental health awareness, LGBTQ rights, anti-bullying and women's issues, to name a few - it’s a simple Google search away. That’s on your time. Not mine. Again….not here to write their autobiography. This piece is an opinion piece. I try to be balanced, but that’s as far as it goes. I’m not CNN.

MISHA: Misha was not mentioned in my post because Misha was not under fire last week or the week before over this stupid bullshit. If I SEE that happening, I’ll write about THAT. But HE was not the focus of this mess. So I left HIM out of it. Does that make sense? And also? I’m not here to equally represent all actors at all times. That’s not how this works in the context of the subject matter at hand. If you want to see more adequate representation for your favorite actor - write your own op-ed. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

And Misha as well as J2, are probably more than a little appalled that some of their biggest fans (?) are committing to some shady behavior in their honor and in their names. Just a guess. They’re good guys, and this is probably not sanctioned behavior. If you think it is? Show me the receipts. Let’s do this honestly, using facts. Not conjecture.

No, I do not excuse anyone’s behavior because of their physical attractiveness. Neither do most people. I am not a child (Thank you, Uma Thurman), and I don’t rationalize like a child.

No, I am not doing this to seek approval from the actors, and neither is anyone else with the #istandwithJ2 hashtag. As previously stated, this is an equal and opposite reaction to the bullshit that brought us all here today. You’re grasping at straws at this point, if that’s the argument you’re going with. Speaking on my own behalf, I have nothing to gain here, except some new Tumblr friends with a side of troll.

To reiterate on previous posts - I’m hoping that all of us will collectively start sticking up for each other when we see someone harassing a fellow fan online. Even if you don’t want to comment….maybe give the person being flamed those little heart thingys (likes?). Direct message them if liking their post doesn’t feel safe. Show them your support in some way, so that they don’t feel alone and so that they don’t feel quite so vulnerable to attacks from online bullies. We Have Got To Start Backing Up People who are just trying to express their opinions respectfully and are being slammed with responses that are belligerent, demeaning, threatening, obnoxious, etc. Otherwise - these jerks will just keep steamrolling right over the more gentle viewers out there. And a lot of them, are just kids. And this goes both ways. It has to, in order to be effective.

If you see something - say something. That’s my 2 cents anyway. The world’s going to Hell in a handbasket, 26 innocent people were gunned down yesterday in a place they held sacred and felt safe in, and it just keeps happening. Mother Nature has decided she’s sick of our shit and has been upending thousands of lives. There are actual sexual predators in some of our pasts and sadly, in some of our futures. And this “joke” has no relevancy or bearing on that sad fact. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, economically fragile people, physically fragile people, etc…are seeing their protections, rights and livelihoods eroded away in an alarmingly short period of time, and the list goes on and on… and THIS is what we’re dedicating our mental and emotional resources to? This show is supposed to be an escape from reality, guys. Not actual reality. Why are we harassing the actors and fellow fans of a television show that brought us all together in the first place? This is entertainment, people. I know how important this show is to all of us. And I know how impactful the message of this show has been. And I know that without this show, some of us might not be here today. We are some passionate sumbitches. I GET THAT. The question still remains…. what in the actual fuck are we really fighting for and about, here? If someone can quantify and explain that to me in a way that makes sense, I’m all ears. Has it really come to: “Maybe we need to devise a more sophisticated tagging situation so that people don’t keep dipping their chocolate in other peoples peanut butter.” I don’t know. But this is Nth level ridiculousness, and we need to figure it out before it gets even worse. For now, I’m going to get back to enjoying this show for what it is, and putting my beautiful brain back to work on more important matters. I’ve spent a week in this muck, and it’s been… enlightening. I’ll say that. And even though I don’t agree with some of you - I can see by the CSI-level attention to detail that a lot of us have applied to all things SPN… that we could actually be mobilized into an almost unstoppable force for real good and real change. If we wanted that. We could probably figure out who ordered JFK’s assassination. Figure out where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried. Solve the mysteries of the pyramids…. help reunite missing kids with their families…Get Trump impeached… ahem. You get it. Or we could just keep wasting our pent-up aggression on other fans, and the actors of our favorite show. Because that’s easy. Choices. There, now I can drop the mic.

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#cyberbulling #Featured #Jared Padalecki #Jensen Ackles #Misha Collins #Supernatural

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