#is my trans ass becoming a film bro

[miffmuff]

Fuck it we ball, this is my super duper awesome TAWOG x Scream AU!!! (Spoilers for Scream if you haven't watched it already)

Basically it's all the tawog characters but they've been shoved into the first Scream movie and take over their rules.

They're all human in this AU. I was considering keeping them as cartoons but they'd be very hard to kill, and it'd just get confusing. Also also it's a time skip of 5 years cuz I don't want the events of Scream happening to 12 year old. I'll also tell you guys some of my character hcs while we're at it. Oh and this has a more Scary Movie vibe to it in the sense that it's just not serious at all, it's just for fun!!!

Oh and one more thing, all these designs and details are just doodles and are subject to change :3

long post up ahead! (Also including art!!)

Roles:

Penny/Sydney:

Penny gives such final girl vibes, her and Sydney would get along tbh. Still dating Gumball after all this time, but she's become more distant over the past year. Probably cuz her mum died!!

She's 17, Arab and trans and awesome. She dyes her hair blonde and stuff :3

Carrie/Tatum:

Penny and her got pretty close over the years and now they're besties. Carrie's just awesome, and still dating Darwin! What a wholesome couple, I hope nothing bad happens.

She's 16 and albino, white as a ghost you might say. I really enjoy how her design looks hehe.

Random hc for her, during one Halloween she dressed up as Carrie from the movie. (She actually likes Halloween in this AU)

Gumball/Billy:

Gumball becomes EVIL!! He sees Penny being distant and is that wow that sucks, the final straw however is when she sends 1 heart emoji instead of 3 heart emojis... He's like god dammit she doesn't love me anymore and instead of communicating like a normal person he sets out to KILL her and everything she loves!!! In the words of Randy, there's always some bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend.

Something I've observed in the Scream movies is that everyone just loves to kill people. They act like it's the only resort. Dammit my film teacher gave me a bad grade!! It's okay, I'll just mimic my favorite serial killer and murder her ass!!! Why are film bros like the most evil people ever there, this world seriously has a murdering problem.

To follow the film bro trend, yk how in The Money they mention how Gumball gets obsessed with something weekly, well now it's horror movies. He like mansplains them to Carrie and she's like ☹️

He's 17 and mixed. Half Japanese half white. He dyes his hair blue but gets too lazy to redye it so a lot of roots are showing.

Real ones know where the varsity jacket comes from

Darwin/Stu:

Ahh Darwin, in a wonderful relationship relationship with his hot goth girlfriend, everyone loves him, he's just happy to be there.

Too bad he's so susceptible to peer pressure, now he too is EVIL!! As Gumballs accomplice.

He's 15 and black. He's the youngest

Sarah/Randy:

This one felt obvious, not only does she treat the world like a tv show, but she's also canonically interacted with ghostface! Sarah has forced her way into the group, and no one can get rid of her. Fortunately, she's gotten therapy and is no longer an obsessive stalker, woohoo!!

She's 17 and white, got that y/n messy bun for her collage au self.

Tobias/Casey:

Tobias is still a loser after all these years (affectionate and derogatory at the same time), and he'll die a loser. He gets killed cuz he owes Gumball 5 bucks and Gballs super salty about it.

Design wise I am so indecisive on if I should make him ginger like canon or black. Cuz both are so fitting jcwjxndhjs

Rachel/Steve:

Obviously Tobias doesn't have a girlfriend, so his sister is the next best option. Rachel is just driving over to visit when she's kidnapped and finds herself tied to a chair. Her mouth isn't covered with duck tape in that scene because Gumball and Darwin thought it'd be more torturous for Tobias to just get verbally abused by her. She's not scared just annoyed.

Rob/Roman:

Ahh yes the character introduced in the 3rd movie, yeah you'd think I'd give him a bigger role considering he's my goat but ehh wasn't feeling it. It's okay tho it all connects back to the first movie so it's still fitting!!!

In this universe Rob is just kinda delusional, since this is the real world and not a tv show, he's just gotten super into his roleplay with Gumball from middle school. He still hates Gumball for "giving" him severe electrical scars (it's in some weird butterfly effect typa shit) in middle school so the roleplay was serious on his part.

Y'all ever watch Meet the Robinsons? it's kinda like how Goob never got over the baseball thing and just got worse. Kinda like that. He's the "director" and manipulated Gumball into becoming very irrational and becoming evil, don't ask how I haven't figured that out yet just yeah! He figured you can't kill the main character, but you can kill the villain!!

Penny's mom/Maureen:

I don't know much about her in canon, if there is much to know. Whatever!! She's dead anyway. She died last summer, killed by Gumball, Darwin, Carrie, Tobias, and Sarah all being very irresponsible while driving and hitting her with their car. Gumball was driving. Penny never found out it was them and just thought she was hit by a random drunkie. All her friends are just like yeah... Who would do that......

I wanted to post this when I had all the designs figured out, but let's face it I'm never finishing that shit this had been in my drafts since October.

Ohh and doodles!!!

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: The People's Joker (2022)

Just because I left Fort Lauderdale, and with it Popcorn Frights, behind when I moved to Boston last year doesn't mean I have to give up on horror festivals. And just as I managed to sneak in a trip to the Telluride Horror Show amidst my adventures in Utah back in 2022, so too did I find that -- where else? -- Salem, Massachusetts hosted the annual Salem Horror Show in April and May. Tonight was the first night, and they screened one of the festival's token non-horror films in The People's Joker, a queer Batman spoof made without any official approval from DC Comics or Warner Bros. (They originally had a screening of Hocus Pocus planned with Kathy Najimy as a special guest, but Najimy had to cancel at the last minute.) How was it?

The People's Joker (2022)

Not rated

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2024/04/salem-horror-fest-week-1-day-1-peoples.html>

Score: 4 out of 5

The People's Joker exists in a place very similar to that enjoyed by Escape from Tomorrow. In both cases, you have independent filmmakers making unlicensed, unauthorized use of American pop iconography, Disney in the case of Escape from Tomorrow and DC Comics in the case of this film, as a way of satirizing and critiquing it with a particular focus on its corporate ownership and its role in the modern economy. Unlike Disney, which permitted the release of Escape from Tomorrow, DC Comics and Warner Bros. actively tried to clamp down on this film, which was ultimately saved by fair use laws protecting parodies like this. And of the two, I'd argue that this film pulls off what it was trying to do a lot better. While both films are elevated by a particular psychedelic edge and punk-rock attitude, Escape from Tomorrow was too incoherent to really stick the landing or even really convey what it was trying to say, while The People's Joker manages to successfully pull off being not only a dark parody of Batman in which the Joker is the hero, but also a hilarious comedy in its own right, a queer coming-out story, a satire of the entertainment industry (especially stand-up and sketch comedy), and a film that manages to get its message across loud and clear. For obvious reasons, I don't expect this to be more than a cult classic, but it's one I enjoyed and do not regret watching.

In this take on Batman's most iconic villain, one that's most obviously based on the movie Joker but draws on many versions of the character (as well as elements of Harley Quinn), the Joker is now a trans woman who leaves her disapproving mother in Smallville, Kansas for Gotham City in the hopes of becoming a comedian like her idol, UCB Live star Ra's al Ghul. There, upon being exposed to the gatekeeping and hypocrisy of the world of mainstream standup comedy, which here serves largely to prop up a corporate-run dystopia even as it still claims the legacy of those who once spoke truth to power, she starts her own underground "anti-comedy" troupe in an abandoned carnival that comes to be comprised of many of Batman's traditional baddies from the comics. (Her trademark gag is inviting people onstage to tell the world their saddest experiences and then huffing Smilex and laughing her ass off at their misery, because after all, this is still the Joker we're talking about.) This eventually puts her on a collision course with Batman himself, who's depicted as not only the jackbooted thug that more cynical deconstructions of superhero comics have framed him as, but also a perverted closet case on top of it. (Let's just say, this film gets a lot of mileage out of all those jokes you've heard about his relationship with his sidekick Robin.)

The film ain't exactly subtle in what it's saying. UCB Live is a clear-cut parody of Saturday Night Live, right down to the fact that Lorne Michaels is a character in the film, and moreover, its initialism is lifted straight from the famed Chicago comedy troupe the Upright Citizens Brigade that played such a major role in the development of standup and sketch comedy in the '90s and '00s, including producing multiple SNL stars. And while the film never names him so directly, you also get the sense that its writer, director, and star Vera Drew really isn't a fan of Joe Rogan or the standup circle he's built around himself, either. The Joker's introduction to UCB Live's casting has her body being scanned and her being deemed a potential comedy superstar because she has a small penis and is therefore mistaken for the kind of insecure man who the industry is built upon. Her comic idol Ra's starred in a Borat-like film whose main joke was making fun of foreigners. The whole reason Batman, an avatar of the elite if ever there was one (being the CEO of Wayne Enterprises and all), comes after her is because she directly criticizes and threatens the ruling class in a way that the corporate, sanitized world of UCB Live merely pretends to. Drew is somebody who clearly has experience with comedy and the people who inhabit it, and is very much writing that experience into the meat of the story, a metaphorical representation of an entertainment industry that, in her view, only cloaks itself in populism and progressive language enough that it can fend off criticism without actually making any meaningful changes.

Much of this is told through a mix of a riotous and raunchy comedy and the Joker's romance with her fellow comic Jason Todd, aka "Mr. J", a trans man who's envisioned here as a mix of Robin and the edgelord Jared Leto version of the Joker from the DC Extended Universe. The gags came flying at a mile a minute, and often had me busting my gut in laughter. The whole cast is game for the material, with Drew making the Joker a compelling anti-hero not just as a comic presence but also as somebody whose journey from a Midwestern girl-trapped-in-a-boy's-body to a flamboyant Clown Princess of Crime was one that I found myself genuinely invested in. Kane Distler as Mr. J was also an interesting presence, somebody whose relationship with the Joker starts promisingly only for him to turn emotionally abusive and self-centered (complete with a "gaslighting" pun that had me cracking up), indicating that, when he transitioned, he wound up embracing the most noxious forms of hypermasculinity. And as for the style of the film, Drew goes for an exaggerated feel that combines live-action filmmaking, highly stylized CGI, what appears to be a mannequin representing Poison Ivy, and very crude animation both 2D and 3D to create a feeling that reminded me of watching Adult Swim or surfing Newgrounds back in the 2000s. There clearly wasn't much of a budget here, so Drew instead leaned on creativity, both her own and the dozens of artists worldwide who each contributed to the film. It was as unique a film to watch as it was an entertaining comedy, one that demonstrated a lot of talent and commitment on the part of everybody involved.

The Bottom Line

There's no way in hell that The People's Joker is ever getting a wide release, but if it plays near you, I highly recommend seeking it out, as a twisted, countercultural sendup of everything from superheroes to mainstream comedy to who gets to call themselves "the counterculture".

[flyingdumpsterfire]

I see you have seen ATSV. Favorite characters, favorite scene, music all the fun stuff. Also theories pls

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOOHOHOOHO-

Favourite characters:

PAVITR PRABHAKAR. ALL. THE. WAY. (Gwen and Miles are also rlly cool ngl) and The Spot. (he's just a goofy guy fksjhfjkshdfsj)

Favourite scene: Miles meeting Miles-42 near the end (Miles 42, or as I like to call him, Kilometer, looks incredibly depressed bc of his dad dying and the contrast between Kilometer and Miles's expressions in those scenes just hurts bro, especially since Kilometer is Miles but without the spider bite, and Miles should have become Kilometer in canon but he didn't so now the fates have been swapped), The Spot's villainous monologue which was then followed up by him kicking himself in the ass, or Pavitr's narrowly-avoided canon event.

Favourite song??? Irdk honestly, I can't say I can pick one-

As for theories, I posted the theory I had about Pav's canon events that has been bugging me since I watched it a bit ago but I think you saw it.

I am a firm believer in the Trans-Spider-Verse too, and honestly haven't had any other theories BUT THEY'LL BE COMING SOON-

Also can I say sorry to the Miguel simps but I WOULD KINDLY LIKE TO BODYSLAM HIM INTO A FLYING TRAIN THEN THROW HIM OFF THE FUCKING TRAIN FOR WHAT HE DID TO MILES. I am far too protective of him and honestly cannot stand Miguel's treatment of him.

Also I like Gwen and Peter B and all, but I felt so bad for Miles when he found out that they'd talked with Miguel about the whole canon event thing.

Also MAYDAY PARKER SHE JSDKFHDJGSJFGDGK I WANT TO SQUISH HER AFFECTIONATELY THE LITTLE BABY CHILD AUGHHHHHHHH

tHE SPOT THO

He was written so well I love it tbh, he's goofy and silly but also very well motivated and both sympathetic and terrifying and he's the exact flavour of villain that I love ngl-

And I forgot to mention: out of the whole film, I'd say the ships I ship are Pavitr x Gayatri, the adorable sunshine couple, and Gwen x Miles, but for the latter I wouldn't be upset if it takes a while for them to rebuild their relationship since it's understandable seeing what Gwen did.

anyway PLEASE rb with your opinions on this film bc you can see by my new layout that I have been consumed with ATSV brainrot and I've only just finished it

[imuybemovoko]

so I made a language

well technically i've made kind of a bunch of languages

and probably already have a very old post about one of them

but here's another one. I call it Pinõcyz. I started working on it in February of 2020.

PHONOLOGY

I don't want to get too deep into the evolution I did on this, but to illustrate a little of that, I'll explain what's going on with the vowels and /z/. Basically, in most consonants where the modern language lacks a labialized pairing, i.e. /m l q/ and others, the labialized consonant simply unrounded. Historical /ðʷ/, though, merged with /z/ instead, yielding contrasting /z zʷ/ preceding /ɛ ɵ u ɔ/ and contrasting /ɛ ɵ u ɔ/ and /e ɨ ɯ o/ following plain /z/.

I realize also that I've sort of doubled the explanation of this in the notes maybe?! and left a note about the romanization in this screenshot that I deleted the romanization from because I want to display it separately. I'm not going to replace this screenshot a fifth damn time. :D

ORTHOGRAPHY

The Pinõcyz language is written primarily with the Tewrinnal /teɣrinːal/ script. It's an abugida.

...For a language with eleven vowels and fairly complex syllables.

You know, very much not the normal simple, open syllables that such a system usually operate best with.

So just what the hell is going on here?

Well, every character has an inherent vowel /ə/. To represent other vowels, diacritics are used, and to represent, for example, a single-consonant coda, another diacritic is used to mark that there isn't a vowel. For example:

/mə me m/

There are six regular vowel diacritics:

/nɨ ni no na ne nɯ/

But, we also have to handle four more vowels somehow, and the labialized consonants where they're distinct.

That's all handled with one diacritic, marking both for labialization on the consonant and, where relevant, these different vowels.

/nʷɵ nʷi nʷo nʷɔ nʷɛ nʷu/

So that helps with those things. But what happens with a consonant cluster, or a geminate? Those are weird, right?

Well, the script uses a longer diacritic for that. Let's use the name of the script as an example:

/teɣrinːal/ (It's written from right to left.)

So, couple of things going on here. First, that second chunk is /ɣri/. The glyph for /ɣ/ doesn't need the null vowel diacritic (shown here on final /l/) because it's marked with this tie bar that shows it's part of a cluster in the same syllable as /ri/. And second, that third chunk is /nːa/. Marking geminates via this tie bar is one of several uses of this other glyph, the null-consonant.

We also have to handle initial vowels.

And diphthongs.

So what's going on here?

/ə ɨ i o a e ɯ/

Here's the null-consonant glyph, and every vowel on it. These don't take the rounding diacritic; for geminates, said diacritic will appear on the consonant glyph proper.

/qaj teu/

Diphthongs are written as though the first component forms a simple syllable with the consonant, but then with the null consonant immediately following.

Alright.

So here's all the base glyphs real fast:

/∅ m n ŋ p b t d k g q/

/t͡s d͡z t͡ʃ d͡ʒ r l j f v s z/

/ʃ ʒ x ɣ h ð ɬ/

And one last quick note, /zʷ/ is represented by the glyph for /ð/ with rounding diacritic. Here's an example, in the form of a common given name:

/zʷɛzi/

Last but not least, the script has a couple of punctuation marks:

In order, something between the role of a comma and a semicolon; a marker for the end of a sentence; and an exclamation and imperative marker. These are small and appear next to the bottom of the last glyph, much like a period or comma might.

I don't have a font of this yet, and even if I did I'd have some trouble getting that to function well on Tumblr. So I'm going to briefly explain the romanization that I tend to use.

For the non-labialized consonants I have:

/m n ŋ p b t d k g q t͡s d͡z t͡ʃ d͡ʒ f v ð s z ɬ ʃ ʒ x ɣ h r l j/

⟨m n ň p b t d k g q c ż č ǧ f v ð s z ł š ž x w h r l j⟩

For the vowels I have:

/i ɨ ɯ e ə o a/

⟨i y u e õ o a⟩

The other four vowels and the labialized consonants are handled with diacritics on the characters for the vowels. So,

/ɛ ɵ u ɔ/

⟨ê ŷ û â⟩

and to mark that the preceding consonant is labialized, i and o also take circumflex, î and ô. The result is that ⟨w⟩ represents both /w/ and /ɣ/, and ⟨j⟩ represents both /j/ and /ɥ/, and obviously, for example k, g, r represent both plain /k g r/ and labial /kʷ gʷ rʷ/, and so on.

And because this doesn't handle labialized z, I have /zʷ/ ⟨ź⟩, and for example ⟨zê⟩ /zɛ/.

This probably isn't anything close to an ideal system, but it's what I settled on in 2020 and I don't think I want to change it. It's weird, but it's phonetic, in a sort of weird roundabout way.

So let's get into the grammar.

We'll start relatively simple: word order is verb-subject-object, with descriptors that follow what they're marking except for some in the animate class that are derived from verbs (more on all that later), and placement of other things like indirect objects and relative clauses varies in a couple of ways.

Also, subject pronouns often, but are not required to, drop entirely.

NOUNS

Whether a noun is considered animate or inanimate has some impact on case markings and other things like that. In general, people, certain concepts, feelings, anything divine, weather phenomena, time, animals, some tools, injuries or illnesses, fire and water, and plants food items considered spiritually important such as tea and many herbs are animate; other nouns are inanimate. Certain shelled sea creatures are also inanimate.

Case markings carry a plural marker and information related to definiteness within them. Animate nouns are considered definite by default and so have an indefinite article that incorporates into the cases; inanimate nouns are considered indefinite by default and so incorporate a definite article into their case markings.

Pinõcyz has split-ergative alignment based on animacy. Animate nouns take the (unmarked) nominative case as subject and the accusative case as object; inanimate nouns take the ergative case as subject and the (unmarked) absolutive as object. All the case markers except the ergative appear as suffixes; the ergative, though, is a particle that precedes the noun. There's a lot of wonky historical reasons for that, a bit beyond the scope of this.

Here's a table of the regular forms:

Where I have something in parenthesis, what sounds occur at the end of a noun determine whether it's present. For the vowels (i.e. most of them), it drops if the noun has a final vowel, and for the definite singular inanimate dative, that l is present if it's a final vowel and gone if there's a final consonant. There are other effects that the final consonant can have but they're often less predictable than this.

I'll explain the ablaut more when I get to verbs since it's more relevant there, but the definite singular inanimate dative does trigger ablaut, and the inanimate singular definite genitive triggers ablaut in nouns with a final vowel, where the y is dropped.

POSSESSIVE CONSTRUCTIONS

The possessor is marked with the genitive case and precedes what it marks. Examples: Tuštez bylen "Tušte's cousin", ðandaz manõn "rapids", lit. "river's teeth"

ADJECTIVES

Here I'm using "adjectives" as a sort of catch-all term, there's not a separate class of adverbs. There are, however, separate sets of animate and inanimate descriptors. These come in the form of a few adjectives that can simply be used for either sort of noun, i.e. izy "also", or in the form of separate, often derived forms for animate nouns, i.e. ðakan rõr "the stone nearby", but šõrõr celiż "the nearby ash tree". Many animate adjectives are derived more recently from verbs, and those ones precede what they describe, unlike the others. The new verb-derived animate adjectives are still often transparently related to one of several verbs. For example, šõrõr here has incorporated šõ "to have" as a prefix; wâðrata "dry" takes wâð "to be" as a prefix, and so on.

Except for a few exceptions, animate adjectives may not be used for inanimate nouns and vice versa, i.e. šõrõr ðakan here would be ungrammatical.

ABLAUT

I'm going to take a second before I get into the rest of this to discuss ablaut in more detail.

Sometimes, but not always, an i or e vowel remains in a suffix that triggers ablaut. This was universal before some of the vowels were eroded, but is now a bit trickier to predict if the vowel has been lost. Historically (read: before vowel length was lost, a bunch of final vowels got eroded, and a bunch of other things happened), a long i or e in the final syllable triggered fronting and raising of the vowel in the preceding syllable. How that expresses in the modern language is roughly reflected by this table:

Most of the time, labialization was retained through this raising, so sê "to float" > sîż "they (inanimate, plural) float".

Some verb endings including tense markers and subject agreement trigger ablaut.

VERBS

Oh boy these get messy. Alright, I'll start with the tenses. I'll give an example sentence or two with each, and I'll explain the personal agreement after that.

Simple Present: unmarked. Deals in ongoing actions, states, things like that. Example: Symvinan "I'm thinking".

Habitual: -čin if the noun has a final consonant; -ǧin for a final vowel; in final plosives, the č metathesizes into the word like CVčCin. Triggers ablaut. Deals in actions that the subject carries out often or habitually. Examples: Łezeǧinõn manõnxaz "I often swim in the river"; Wêličkinõm dõz ðažgaňna "She often moves my pans".

Imperative: -žǧin for final vowel, -ščin basically otherwise; rarely -šõčin with final clusters. Triggers ablaut. Commands, things like that. Example: Biliqščin żŷknõ! "Prepare the boat!" (Fun note: żŷk "boat" is an animate noun; that's the accusative case.)

Future: -ðem, VðCem metathesis with final plosives. Deals in things that will take place in the future. Triggers ablaut. Examples: Bigimðemõǧ yquddiz bêdêkkuinan "They will gather the king's council"; Taxe beðqemõl "Therefore you will flee".

Conditional: -sõn if final consonant, -zõn if final vowel, VsCõn metathesis for final plosive. Deals in possibilities, uncertainties, etc. Example: Boňgestõnõn żen Lagruisyn "I might mail those to Lagrui".

Subjunctive: -õð for some final consonants, -ôð for others; -ð for final vowel; metathesizes with final stop VðõC unless it's in a cluster. Expected, preferred, "ought to be". Example: Kalyðõl "You ought to sleep".

Past-habitual: -šał with final consonants, -žał with final vowels; metathesizes VšCał with final plosives. Things the subject used to often or habitually do. Example: Kyużêžałõn ðembawynxaiz "I used to explore among these ruins often."

Optative: -kî for final consonant, -gî for final vowel. Triggers ablaut. Deals in things desired or hoped for by the speaker. Example: Erõmjeqqîl nida "I hope you return early". (In this example the consonant was absorbed into the final q on the verb root.)

Pluperfect: -łyš, metathesizes VłCyš for final plosives. Final consonant in the suffix retains labialization when vowels follow. Deals with actions completed by a specified or implied time period. Example: Dîrzynłyšôč "They (animate, plural) had taken ill". (Final consonants in the root form will have lost labialization, but they retain it when, like here, a vowel is introduced via a suffix.)

Experiential: -šai for final consonant, -žai for final vowel, VšCai for final plosive. Marks an experience that has happened at least once without respect for time, and is repeatable. Example: Sylezunčaiž wâðger waišqalnan "We have survived some large floods". (This example shows fortition of the fricative immediately after a nasal, a common sound change.

Now let's look at the regular forms of the person endings.

Most often, these will retain the vowel before the suffix consonant, but that is not always the case, sometimes you lose it and keep the one after, and it's not predictable in a way I can describe neatly here. For final vowels in the root or the TAM affix, typically no vowel is retained after.

Here's where things get WILD.

PASSIVE VOICE

The passive voice renders the agent of an action as an oblique and promotes the patient, so that it's focused a bit more. The passive is derived from an auxiliary verb that takes the tenses and the verb agreement, giving a qir- prefix. Then the verb is incorporated after that, and then -(u)z prefix, where the u drops if the z is allowed to form a final cluster with the final consonant or the verb has a final vowel. Then the agent of the action takes the ablative case. Example:

Qiršõmrenõnżõ Madriz lezgammuðgõż "Madriz was stabbed by an impostor". (This sentence is sus. Also note the fortition, z > d͡z after that nasal.)

ANTIPASSIVE

In ergative constructions, it's often more appropriate to de-emphasize the agent. In these cases, an antipassive construction forms, basically the passive construction but with the oblique-marked object in the allative case. This shows up mainly in relative clauses, but can form in fully independent sentences for emphasis reasons. Example:

Qiršymqamżõ pera Varasyn "An apple hit Vara"

An active-voice rendering of this same sentence would be Qamšym gõr pera Varanõ; the ergative particle here lends a degree of emphasis that is not always useful. Some speakers even consider it ungrammatical to form a sentence with the accusative on the object and the ergative on the subject, though that's far from universal and is mostly a hard-and-fast rule only in relatively conservative dialects. (For the most part, variation among dialects is beyond the scope of this post.)

MEDIOPASSIVE

The mediopassive construction handles both reflexives and certain intransitive sentences where the subject is not necessarily interpreted as the agent, such as "I fell". It derives from an old auxiliary verb ša- which takes any tenses and the subject agreement, but in this case the main verb, marked with the experiential, is not fused to the end of that. Examples:

Šan kadynčai "I fall" (fortition after the nasal again); Šamom dewšai "He has washed himself".

CAUSATIVES AND INDIRECT OBJECTS

A causative will usually take the form of the cause oblique-marked, taking the ablative case; an indirect object is typically marked with the dative case unless circumstances suggest something else. Typically, an animate oblique will precede the verb and an inanimate will follow the entire clause, but this is somewhat flexible for the purposes of emphasis. Examples: Taraðõd sybêkužõn Jŷddenõ "I met Jŷdde because of Tara" (causative); Kitronyz šŷllalõ leðõn żŷknõ "I'm building a boat for Kitron's clan" (indirect object).

NEGATION

Negating nouns and adjectives is done with a suffix -riq; this does not trigger ablaut. Example: cymanõnriq "nonexistence, void". In nouns this is primarily a derivational method.

In verbs, there is a negative auxiliary, jan in root form. It takes personal agreement, preceding the main verb, and the main verb takes tenses. Here's the forms of the negative auxiliary:

In passives, antipassives, and mediopassives, the negative auxiliary takes root form and precedes the verb construction as a particle.

Examples:

Jan šan kadynčai "I did not fall"; Ne vreita grõn teta "The candle isn't burning".

QUESTIONS

The interrogative terms are:

qa "who"; hud "what"; jõl "where"; tõr "when"; wal "why"; ðam "how"; gy "which one", also a general interrogative; jezyn "to where"; jeðõd "from where". They usually precede the verb, with the exception of gy when it precedes a noun, i.e. Jenin gy tynnanõ? "Which sumac tree am I looking for?"

RELATIVE CLAUSES

The interrogative terms also function as relative pronouns.

If the noun of the relative clause is animate:

Subjects, direct objects, and indirect objects can be relativized without any extra trouble, simply constructing the clause out of an interrogative and then the verb and relevant noun. Examples:

Subject- Kasran kêdynõ qa bašqõm "I see the dog who ran"

Object- Gy bûriðemõl ňaňlõ qa ðõkasran? "Will you wait for the man who I forgot?"

Indirect object- Wâðõm pinõ qa daxõn luz qarut "That is the person who I gave your money to"

For obliques, genitives, and objects of comparatives, it's necessary to use a passive. Examples:

Oblique- Jenižǧin sadynõ jeðõd qirmomrenõnżõ Nabi lezgammuðgõż! "Find the knife with which Nabi was stabbed by an impostor!"

Genitive- Gy činõl riżalnõ qaz qirõmjeniz rênnan Dargoðõd? "Do you know the shrub whose leaves are sought by Dargo?"

Object of comparative- Dalqamõn ainan jeðõd šoðõð qirčinõnfilz "I playfully hit the nonbinary person who I am sung better than by"

Yeah, Pinõcyz has a word for the act of hitting someone gently in a humorous or flirty way, it's dalqam.

If the noun of the relative clause is inanimate:

Only absolutives may be relativized. Example:

Absolutive- Qiršõngaduz wegrizxaiz jõl kerkożżynčõm verraw "I was given birth to in the city which the king declared war against".

For all other sorts of relative clauses, antipassives must be used. Examples:

Ergative- Vreitašõn ludan hud qiršõmfaisqõ Balzasyn "I burned the arrow that killed Balza" (that -z suffix here is metathesized into the verb and devoiced, and we have a following epenthetic vowel)

Indirect object- Kasran eigu jezyn qirčinõmdaxuz xâż lenasyn "I see the clearing to which the tide gives water"

Oblique- Laxõždõn ðaka jeðõd qiršõmmaxnaz ewa "I broke the stone with which the shellfish hunted"

Genitive- Šommom qâra huż qiršymžac mez rênnażi "The basil that lost its leaves has died."

Object of comparative- Jenimon reňkum hud qirčinõnjanjaz han dõsyn "I have found the needle that is longer than me" (lit. "grows more than me")

A FEW TRANSLATIONS

I feel like translating some stuff, just to show a bit of the feel of it with either some familiar texts or maybe some stuff I decide to write for this. Again, no font, so I'll have to rely on my weird handwriting for this.

The One Ring inscription:

Verreðym gi grõn uda że cy, jeniðym gi że;

[verːeðɨm gi grən ɯda d͡ze t͡sɨ | jeniðɨm gi d͡ze]

rule-SUBJ-3S.Inan one ERG.DEF ring 3P.Inan all | find-SUBJ-3S.Inan one.DEF 3P.Inan

"One ring shall rule them all, the one shall find them;

Bêlašõðym gi grõn uda że cy, ta heqalxaz gŷšqamõðym że

[bɛlaʃəðɨm gi grən ɯda d͡ze t͡sɨ | ta heqalxaz gʷɵʃqaməðɨm d͡ze]

gather-SUBJ-3S.Inan one ERG.DEF ring 3P.INAN all and evil-LOC imprison-SUBJ-3S.Inan 3P.Inan

"One ring shall gather them all, and shall imprison them in evil"

Mordor jejaxtaz jõl xalzunõǧ tawna

[mordor jejaxtaz jəl xalzɯnəd͡ʒ taɣna]

Mordor territory-LOC where reside.3P.Anim shadow-P.DEF

"In Mordor land where the shadows live."

A few quotes from Goncharov and its promotional materials:

Jaqym grõn rêǧi Napolisyn

[jaqɨm grən rʷ��d͡ʒi napolisɨn]

come-3S.Inan ERG.DEF winter Naples-ALL

"Winter comes to Naples"

Ai fiłatõš syganõn; so, fiłacõnõn uri lun ðam qirčinymfiłac yaň sadusyn

[aj fiɬatəʃ sɨganən | so fiɬat͡sənən ɯri lɯn ðam qirt͡ʃinɨmfiɬat͡s jaŋ sadɯsɨn]

O lover apologize-1S | look love-COND-1S only 2S.ACC REL.how ANTP-HAB-3S.INAN-love\ANTP boot knife-ALL

“I’m sorry my dear, I can only love you the way a boot loves a knife.”

Kamassõnõl mainõ Napoliðõd žaz dajersyn qarrêðdõ Mâskõvaxaz ňaňňyz qa zazõðõǧ hud fiłatõǧ lun vaðdõd

[kamasːənəl majnə napoliðəd ʒaz dajersɨn qarːʷɛðdə mɔskəvaxaz ŋaŋːɨz qa zazəðəd͡ʒ hɯd fiɬatəd͡ʒ lɯn vaðdəd]

trace-COND-2S path-ACC.DEF Naples-ABL 1P.GEN home-ALL childhood Moscow-LOC man-GEN.P REL.who say-SUBJ-3P.Anim REL.what love-3P.Anim 2S.ACC blood-ABL

“you could trace a path from Naples to our childhood house in Moscow with the blood of all the men who’ll tell you they love you”

I'll probably do art and shit with this conlang at some point, and not just LOTR and Goncharov brainrot.

Enjoy!

[bro-strider-hate-blog]

YOUR TAGS ON MY SIS POST??? IMMACULATE

I will include my tags again but only because i cant get enough of myself and not to sound like im tooting my own kazoo but this is the one time in my entire life that ive been objectively correct in every way

Lengthy and unrelated thing under the cut: 

Let me talk about canon bro for a second 😌 even though its barely and tangentially related to this and you dont have to read it <3, in fact i would encourage you not to read it i just wanna run my mouth. People love to use him as a cheap villain in their dave angst fics which is like... hilarious to me. Like i get it, since hes abusive he must also be misogynistic and homophobic and transphobic and also genuinely hates dave and revels in his suffering right? Lmeow no, hes just some guy and despite everything he is in fact trying his best. Hes naturally intense and aggressive and this doesnt translate well to child rearing, especially since his one goal is to make dave strong enough (physically and mentally) to Survive whats coming. The random sneak attacks ? The traps littered around the house ? To keep dave on his toes and buff his spatial awareness. The cameras ? To monitor his progress (if hes not up to standard then we’ll just up the “training”) and / or film some puppet snuff (puff ? Snupp?) so he can keep running his dumb website and like provide for them or some shit , or ig to buy random crap and throw it around the house. Who cares if the kid sees the porn anyway its just puppets, plus hes seen way worse at that age and turned out fine (no he didnt). Dave has to be resourceful , he has to be creative and think on his feet , lets have impromptu rap battles and scrabble games. He has to know numbers like the back of his hand (idk why this is even a phrase do any of you memorise what the back of your hands looks like) to effectively utilise his sylladex.... actually nobody even uses that shit idk why bro was so insistent on it. Dave is his protege, his charge, dave is NOT his friend and hes not gonna let him forget that. He teaches him all he knows, in the way he knows. Making comics, mixing music, ironic jokes, being cool and getting shit done. Actually its GOOD that the kid is terrified of him, if hes the scariest thing in the room then dave wont fear anything else. Lets spar then, if dave wins then hes trained him well. If dave loses then hell become resilient. Either way he has to be strong or else hell die, training is necessary. Its either this or failure and failure equals death. Do your own laundry, ration your own food, become independent as fast as possible because i wont be around to take care of you forever

Nothing bro does is without reason, neither is it “sadism”, its all very logical to him despite being horrific to any sane person because his only friend is the mansplain-manipulate-manspread puppet that raised him and he has awful coping mechanisms that barely stretch past beating himself 1. up 2. off. Like he kept his baby alive to the point where it could keep itself alive (kind of alive) and thats a win to him.

That was my thesis on why bro is not a bigot like ,, he makes porn of fucking smuppets, that gives him zero chance to fetishize The Ladies. I doubt he has porno mags littered around the house its just endless plushie dicks and asses (and the two puppets handcuffed together were legit kinda funny like Why). So why would dave have internalised homophobia if it did not stem from his brother ??? Acting as if his only friends werent exuding anti gay vibes, like christ, john “im not a homosexual” egbert, him and rose’s competitive flirting gag (before they found out they were related >.>), just generally the three of them accusing each other of being gay, yknow, as kids do (jade is exempt from the argument we love jade here). Things were just more homophobic back then and its not like bro and dave had a sincere talk about gender and sexuality in the 13 or so years they lived in the same house like why would you even come out to your younger sibling if you could just not !!! Lol !!! I could be getting all this info wrong lol so correct me if im wrong but bro has this cute comic artstyle and it was about someones charge (? Sibling?) straight up dying and the saw guy makes an appearance the end , like there was no sex or gore or whatever but if you look at sbahj the second page literally has an incest sex joke like where does dave even get his material from , which online sites has he been trawling , well haha its not bros job to monitor his kids search history lets ignore it and move on if the kid wants to be gross and make dumb jokes who is he to judge , spread your problematic wings and soar into the cancel clouds little guy

Anyway heres a disclaimer: if youre gonna clown on this post and tell me im an abuse apologist or some shit just understand that i have a lot of free time and love being a huge asshole when provoked but like youre so welcome to add to the discussion i love bullying my favourite character bro strider by steamrolling him we’ve talked about trans rights for too long now is the time for trans wrongs

[sunlit-music]

So I watched Tam and Cam: the untold story (2017) movie on YouTube yesterday and today.

Content warning for violence and character deaths, and abuse. Cinderella's parents are already dead when the film begins, and Prince Charming's kindly father dies during the film.

Tam is Cinderella, and Cam is the pretty but evil stepsister who tries to get Cinderella and the Prince killed.

It's the Vietnamese version of Cinderella, but it's basically 30 percent Cinderella and 70 percent Prince Charming fighting an evil magistrate sorcerer demon.

Cinderella gets a fairy godfather with the longest, most magnificent beard and he sends her to the ball with a magic horse.

The magistrate is a demon who wants to become human by getting human souls. He sacrifices his awesome beard to become a zombie, and I can't believe I just typed that.

Cam tries to kill the prince by poisoning his tea cup, but Cinderella (who has transformed into a bird after being killed by her stepmother) flies into the cup and knocks it out of Prince Charming's hand.

Evil magistrate's sexy soldier friend (who somehow manages to dye his hair blonde in ancient Vietnam) broods sexily while a nearby henchman shoots an arrow at the Prince, but a branch from a magic tree (Cinderella is the tree) blocks the arrow from hitting the prince.

The magistrate puts a spell on the Prince's friend that makes the friend fight the prince on a cliff during battle. After the prince falls off the cliff, he is saved by a magic bed of flowers made by Tam (Cinderella).

There's a bad-ass plus sized old lady who rescues Prince Charming from death, drags his unconscious body to her house and nurses him back to health.

The fruit the old lady takes home turns back into Cinderella, who is reunited with the prince.

Meanwhile, at the palace, evil magistrate forces the mandarins and nobles to bow to him. One noble refuses to bow and says, "If you kill me, I'll haunt you!!"

Prince Charming (fine, he's just called Prince in the film, but I'm calling him Prince Charming) fights against evil magistrate's henchmen and ends up in the evil lair.

The prince swallows the evil magistrate's amulet without thinking (because he's secretly the world's biggest himbo).

The amulet transforms the prince into a wolverine like wolf to fight the evil magistrate, who has changed from a zombie to a large praying mantis like creature. Prince wins the fight easily, and Cinderella sacrifices her future reincarnation lives to bring the prince back to life.

Pros of the film: stunning locations, gorgeous lakes and waterfalls, majestic mountains, soft flowers, beautiful countrysides, epic sword fights, beautiful music, lovely costumes (don't moralise at me about how beautiful costumes mean viewers want to get rich or cosy up to rich people. I don't want to get rich or cosy up to rich people, I just like looking at pretty costumes).

The actors playing the prince, fairy godfather, the king, and the bad-ass old lady were all magnificent actors and actresses.

The evil step sister and the step mother are over the top and have the most hilarious evil laugh. This is either a plus or a con depending on your point of view.

Evil magistrate was delightfully hammy and cheesy, like the characters from the Chinese wuxia TV show Romance of the Red Dust. He has a sinister laugh, a dramatic evil growl, and I recommend watching the movie just for him.

Also recommend watching the film for the short sweet romance between Prince and Cinderella, and the manly bromance between Prince Charming and his best friend Tran Bang. My actual thoughts seeing them: "Manly handshake. Manly shoulder pat. They are bros."

Cons: er...I was promised a Cinderella film. This film is more like the story of Prince Charming, with a bit of Cinderella thrown in.

[tropicalfreckles]

Wrote out some notes for myself on my ocs for that fic that I’m gonna post the first chapter for as a preview, then finish Friends Again and post the rest.

Some of the Beetlejuice OCs in the fic

Leilani: (main oc for my beej x oc fic, shipped with the bugman)

 Lani steps in when needed if thinks escalate fast. She is someone who is really sweet and goes big sister mode a lot. She is stern and too hard of a worker. She is a kind person who tries her best to help people out. She also loves making jokes with Hector. The two are big into puns. She can be a bit stubborn some times, yet, surprisingly patient. Not much of a germaphobe but definitely makes beej wear different clothes some times since he refuses to wash his suit. She can be a little mischievous herself and likes to turn the tables on him when they eventually are in a relationship by calling him little pet names.

Pushes his buttons when she becomes bolder when he won't stop flirting with her. Is very fascinated by the world of the afterlife (also from a writers perspective) and wants to know more about it, but doesn't want to ask Beej too many questions because she values their friendship and doesn't want him to think she's just using him to learn about cool stuff. if her patience is run thin she will not take that shit and nip it in the butt.

A biracial lady who is Afro-Hawaiian

short short lmao 5′3

Hector: (lani’s bff) (rafael’s bf)

He's very snarky, likes jokes. He can be laid back at times. Loves scaring Lani when they binge horror films together. Small bastard that picks fights when he feels like someone needs to. Very artistic and a giant fucking nerd that goes to anime cons. He also is really sweet, too. He loves reptiles and insects (he has a pet bearded dragon named zero). He can be a bit of a flirt.

He is trans and Mexican-American

5′7

He is also autistic!

Rafael: (hector’s bf)

Rafael grounds Hector and helps him feel comfortable when he's feeling frustrated at work. He's actually quiet and shy, and tends to focus on his work at lot. He works as a baker. He loves painting with Hector as a way to deal with his own insecurities (being a slightly chubby guy even tho it's like muscle and fat), it's a fun outlet that helps him. He isn't as much into horror films as Lani and Hector but does like dark comedies. He is also very into puns even though he's not great at making them and the way Hector wooed him was with a flirty pun lmao

Filipino-American and tall af he’s like 6′1

Antares: (my dumb gremlin demon who’s dumb bros with beej) (genderfluid demon)

Kind of an old school demon who prefers to go with the classic scares for a haunting. Genderfluid. Loves to do the little girl demon appearance because he always believes kids are way creepier than showing up as an eldritch horror (which he has done a few times but there isn't any craft or decor for him to really enjoy it), since he believes the suspense and build up of the imagination of a human on what she could look like past the little girl appearance is far more fun. A bit of a narcissist, as are all demons probably.

Ends up living with an old lady who mistakes him for her grandchild. They are soft on the inside. Not as much of a flirt like Beej, also very metro. Only likes getting filthy when their scaring, otherwise, they like to make themselves presentable.

Antares used to steal in the 1800s when they were alive, pretending to be a ghost, haunting a house, and scaring people out. Before the occupants could come back with a priest or some cops, they'd steal anything they could then bounce. Good and fast, never being caught until their girlfriend sold them out for $1000 to get rid of the ghost problem that was plaguing the area they lived in in the US. Watched them get hung. Antares has a heart-shaped demon tail with a crack down the middle cause she broke his heart.

Antares also got their power from stealing it from a demon in a bet (the demon had a big ass gambling problem).

Under some bs netherworld rules, it was technically legally binding and they inherit the demon status along with the job the demon had with the powers. Being a scaring coach for ghosts that refused to go to the netherworld. 

Real name Edna, biracial chinese/white. Also tall af, like 6′4

[kinkymagnus]

Twi YouTube AU?? 👀

dlgjk ok i dont have a coherent au idea i just like the idea of like. 

alec being this confident youtuber man who does all sorts of shit, like funny vlogs and maybe some sketches with his siblings or some lets plays or something, idk, he’s just a popular youtuber like, idk, fuckin markiplier or something, you know, kinda does a lot of stuff. maybe some fashion/interior design shit? idk? but like. he’s pretty popular and if there’s any list on tumblr that’s like “some queer creators you should try watching” he’s always up there because he’s pretty open about being gay. maybe at first he wasn���t in the earlier youtube days but he had a pretty emotional coming out video and everyone was like “holy shit” 

meanwhile magnus is like, a quietly popular youtuber, you know? kind of a niche audience, but with decent numbers. he does a lot of things, like vlogs about being trans. like, oh my god. magnus documenting his transition? would that even be a thing? wait oh my god is this mundane au, or is this canon? because twi magnus who’s actually a warlock with a youtube channel would be hilarious but maybe not a good idea. you know what? how about a mix. he’s mortal and was born in modern times and all, he’s like the same age as alec–idk why but i’m thinking he’s like a few weeks older or a month or two older than alec and alec jokingly teases him about being old–but he like…. still has magic, because why the fuck not. actually, you know what? fuck it? it’s an au where magic is just openly a thing. not even necessarily canonverse magic, just. some people have magic. magnus does little tutorials and shit, he has a real talent for it and he’s actually really powerful but he hides that. (possible plotline: some paparazzi discover he’s like, a level ten mage, and it’s a scale from 1-10 and 8 is the most powerful u get most of the time, there’s been a few really famous 9s and there’s been one 10 ever and that was fucking merlin. you feel. because why not. idek fuck.) anyway he has little diy make your own magical charms and weaving enchantment and safe summoning circles and tips for writing magical contracts and shit like that. he’s this cute little nerd but he’s like incredibly knowledgeable and he knows how to teach it in a way that’s understandable and accessible? and he answers questions in really clear ways, and he does amazing demonstrations that look so cool people accuse him of editing but he’s just That Good. and he’s like, actually a really well-published wizard/magic scientist, he invented the fucking portal, but probably under a pseudonym because he doesn’t really want the attention. (his last name is fell in honor of his mentor. yes. although if he does multiple ones he may or may not also use loss, santiago, rollins, etc.) anyway he’s just so fucking good, he has all these videos explaining magical theory in pretty easy to understand ways (maybe going from really simple to like “i understand the basics here and am ready for the technical terms but need an overview” videos you know. 

also he doesn’t just do magic videos, because i said so. also maybe some blogs, and like. because i want to. some fashion/makeup tips. and it’s weirdly endearing because it’s not something you’d expect since he doesn’t wear makeup that often–although a) there are def gifsets of his full makeup looks on tumblr, and b) when he does occasionally decide to wear lipstick or eyeshadow or whatever, most of his fans are like omg yes!! u look cute! also headcanon: twi magnus wears less makeup in general but he still indulges in nail polish. mostly dark/muted colors on his fingers, but bright silly colors on his toes. NAYWAYWYA

also magnus bane is his chosen name because he wanted something cool and wizardy sounding and undeniably masculine. 

also he’s so fucking sweet like look his videos are pretty popular because they’re just handy but he’s not exactly like, a super popular celebrity or anything, you know? but when he does meet fans he’s so incredibly sweet and he does selfies and he’s very appreciative of his followers? he’s so genuine? 

and alec is way more popular–not that he’s not kind and appreciative of his followers. it’s just the thing is, magnus and alec are totally opposite sides of youtube. alec is friendly charismatic completely non-magical youtuber, he plays video games with his sister and like, does vlogs and reaction videos and shit you know. magnus is out here with educational tutorials and excited rambles about magical theory. (i feel like sometimes he accidentally starts doing groundbreaking research for a video and forgets to like, publish it first, and people are like wait what the fuck holy shit) 

but then they fucking meet. 

and a) they’re Instantly smitten. b) this will eventually result in the weirdest collab ever. 

like NO ONE would expect magnus bane, tarot reader and tutorial on magic diy and shit, occasionally does makeup videos and little vlogs and talks about Issues sometimes, to collab with typical hot vlogger gamer man alec lightwood. but it happens, and somehow it’s the best fucking thing ever.

i’m not sure how their channels collide. maybe alec plays a game involving magic and magnus talks about all the ways it’s right/wrong but it ends up just being bantering and giggling and magnus may or may not end up leaning into him on the couch their sitting on and giggling as he makes a stupid joke with the character in the game and immediately everyone’s like…… we ship it

not that i support irl shipping but u know how it goes, everyones like “damn they’re cute” and they’re both openly queer so there’s that. i mean, still not cool, but you know

but really tho they keep doing collabs after that and become actual friends and both start kind of….. doing things for each other’s channel? magnus does a thing like “interview with someone who knows nothing about magic” and we just see a total mundane take on magic and honestly it’s really interesting for both of them, we have more “magnus, who’s an Old Soul and despite having a youtube channel is actually not that great with technology, raphael does all the editing, tries to play video games and kinda fails at it but he gets the hang of some of them”?? he likes puzzle games and mariokart, he does NOT like super smash bros because “THE CHARACTER NEVER DOES WHAT I WANT IT TO ALEXANDER” “you’re just jealous bc i beat ur ass” “you wanna play mariokart again, lightwood?!” 

magnus does a tarot reading for alec, alec does a vlog with him just like “day in the life of alec lol :P” and there’s moments where he just comes up behind magnus like “hey what’s up” and magnus, who’s in rumpled home clothing, sees the camera and chuckles and kinda half heartedly waves it away, and the audience loses their mind at how cute he looks lkdhjgfh

they just become actual good friends, you know? it’s weird bc you wouldn’t think it would work but it really, really does

also on of alec’s fans at some point tries to make a transphobic crack at magnus during a livestream and alec goes OFF on his ass and it’s trending for the next week, the clip goes viral, it’s like “HIMBO GOES OFF ON HATERS FOR BEING TRANSPHOBIC TO HIS FRIEND/POSSIBLE LOVER?” and alec apologizes to magnus for all the attention it brought them but magnus is like “it’s okay, we can use this” and they end up using the hype to do one of those charity livestreams youtubers do and all the proceeds go to something like mermaids or the trevor project, you feel? they’re like “suck it transphobes look at all this money you got trans ppl” khjfgh

ok but eventually they do get together, not on camera, and while it’s slow at first and kind of secret (from the internet, not from friends and family) they’re also not super subtle. they know they’re not, but they’re just sort of like “it’s no one’s business, we’ll announce it when we’re ready”

and honestly tho they love each other so much

also i’ve just decided it’s not uncommon for strong magic-users, even like, level 4 or 5 and up, to have marks, so while his cat eyes are usually glamoured maybe he showed them after a q&a or in a vlog or something? and there are like. lots of gifsets of this, okay, and like, lots of thirst comments. which are like, this weird mix of slightly uncomfortable, really flattering/validating, and embarrassing (in a good and bad way). anyway, magnus has cat eyes in this au, because i fucking said so.

ANYWAY back to their relationship, they’re in love

how did they meet? maybe at a con they bumped into each other, or a totally random fan was like “y’all should do a collab” and everyone was like “what”

or maybe a mutual friend and fellow youtuber, meliorn, who is a nonbinary youtuber who fucking has a sword don’t question me, introduces them? 

idk. but when they meet they hit it off instantly and flirt and end up getting coffee and they don’t date for a while (maybe mutual pining/misunderstandings like “oh he doesn’t like me like that, but it’s okay, we can still be friends :)” or something lkfgjhfgh) but eventually they end up getting together

how? no idea. let me think about it.

idk why but im thinking they’re filming at magnus’s apartment and they’re on his couch and just. late night. they’ve finished up filming but they’re still bantering and maybe playing some video game like mariokart or watching a movie together and just. magnus is leaned all the way into alec, just snuggled up and pressed close against him, alec ends up putting an arm around him, and alec cracks a joke or teases him and magnus sits up a bit to like, poke his chest or flick his nose (you know what i mean? like in an otp person a shifts, still kinda sitting in their lap, and is like [playfully hits shoulder or boops nose or something] and now they’re making eye contact and person b ends up pulling them into a soft kiss???) anyway THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT AND ALEC PULLS HIM INTO A SOFT KISS and alec almost pulls away when he realizes what he’s done but magnus makes this soft little happy noise and leans into him, kissing back, and they just end up kissing for a bit and when they break apart alec is just looking up at him with breathless wonder and magnus is looking down at him with that same soft reverence and alec blurts out something like “you’re magical” and magnus just loses it and he’s giggling and leaning against alec’s chest and alec starts laughing too and magnus can feel the vibrations in his chest and it’s just so nice and pleasant and wonderful and they may or may not end up making out 

they have to talk about it in the morning when they end up falling asleep together in magnus’s bed, cuddled close, but they find, to both of their delights, they both want to date and be in a serious relationship and it’s so fucking good ok 

they go to dinner and the transition from friendship to romance is a little awkward but so worth it, especially when they realize HEY IT’S BOTH YOU DONT STOP BEING FRIENDS WHEN YOU DATE. i mean like, they didn’t not know that, but it’s like, idk how to explain you know they’re kinda like “are we doing this right” and then they’re like “fuck doing it right we can keep cuddling on the couch and giggling and bantering over stupid shit and watching dumb movies and kicking each others asses in video games it doesn’t matter we just also kiss and have dinner more often and sleep together and also we may or may not be in love” 

also they’re That Couple. they’re like straight to the honeymoon, they’re domestic from the first week. magnus is casually doing magic around the house (imagine: he just dyes his hair on a whim and grows it out a little bit and alec is like “i love u no matter how u style ur hair and stuff, and like, ur usual look is so fuckin cute and handsome, but also I Love This.”) but like he’s like (casually summons small ball of light to read book at night) (casually makes alec little protective charms–side note alec def makes him some of these too, but he asks magnus’s old mentor, ragnor, and two of his friends that can do magic, catarina and dot, to enchant it, since he can’t himself, and having magic woven by people who care about him will make it stronger. oh mhyhogfd) and just like. magic used to be something he mostly kept to himself (this def has something to do with his parents–his mom, who he thinks killed herself because of his eyes/magic, his birth dad who’s a powerful sorcerer–level 9, actually, and they think magnus is level 8 for a long time–who was an abusive fuckstick) and then he started doing youtube and it was a kinda show, a gift, something to share, but still not really something he just used openly in front of people he cared about (other than his close friends, since most of them do magic too anyway) but with alec it’s so easy to do that casually?? it’s so easy to just feel comfortable and safe????? yes

anyway they do eventually “come out” as boyfriends, maybe something short and sweet like just. a tweet of magnus sleeping curled up on alec’s chest and he’s like “god i love my boyfriend

they were already not subtle but now that they’re not hiding it they’re so fucking blatantly in love tbh. they do one of those boyfriend tag videos and it’s fucking adorable, at high request they do some couples games kind of videos, like the newlywed game and fuck marry kill (mostly on alec’s channel but magnus has a few, too) and it’s just HIGH QUALITY FUCKING CONTENT

also originally i was just thinking something along the lines of “in canon verse, twi alec is instagram famous/famous on social media and he gets cute tarot boyfriend and is like look at my cute boyfriend and then magnus’s small insta account mostly for his business gets a fuck ton of new followers and alec’s gets a considerable amount too” and now i’m imagining everyone from their respective audiences first thirst-following the other, then actually getting invested 

but really tho they’re the internet’s hottest couple for a while it’s great

for some reason i’m picturing them doing a live tour now, with like, accessible tickets and magnus does magic live on stage and idek what else they’d do tbh but it’d be fun as fuck

anyway this au got away from me

me: i dont have any real coherent ideas

also me: [vomits a 2,500+ word ESSAY] 

[hhawkeye]

9, 13, 38, 47, 50 🌻

9. What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

definitely my dungaree shorts!!!

i wore them pretty much all the time from like may to september lmao. and ok i bought them in the kids section but you know what im valid for that!

13. Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

😐😐😐 i hate this. ok so OBVIOUSLY bill hader (not even just bc i wanna fuck him!! hes also very talented and the fact that he talks a lot about like, always wanting to Make movies but getting sidetracked and becoming famous instead and only now actually doing what he originally wanted to do... i love him and he seems like the kind of film bro who isnt actually an asshole about it which is VERY RARE) but also!!! michael ball. which is like sooo much worse? i met him and he called me a good girl and i was like oh ok cool im gonna pass out now

38. What was the best moment of the year for you?

OH MAN. um the time at comic con i told sebastian stan i was trans (bc i asked him to write trans rights on our pic) and he looked at me like i was Going Through Something and held my hand and was like its ok and i was like Thanks bc i guess hes probably experienced people coming out to him and having it be this emotional thing but i was legit just like fdgjkndfgn its fine ive been out for years dude its fine. anyway that was nice. also at the same con when i asked misha collins to write gay rights and i was like im gay and he was like NO?? REALLY???? and i was like damn alright like i KNOW its obvious but PLEASE. that whole con was fun actually i enjoyed it. anyway that wasnt the Best moment it was just something thats like incredibly funny to me.

umm. idk. the multiple long ass drives i went on with my friends? the time my friend and i went on a walk in the middle of nowhere in cornwall and had to climb through fields to get back to our friend’s house and we had to walk on a busy road with no pavement and nearly got hit by cars several times.

seeing the view upstairs and actually Feeling something

the aforementioned time i met michael ball and he called me a good girl and i didnt even have any gender angst bc i was like Big Arms Kill Me. OH the time i randomly met david harbour and almost fainted bc he was so huge

idk. every moment i was in london was good? i love london :( 

idk!!!!!!! i dont really have any Moments specifically that were like way better than any others but there were a lot of good times this year.

47. If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

LEARN TO DRIVE!!! like i OWN a fucking car which realistically will need so much work done to it itd probably cost less to just buy another one but anyway. i need to learn to drive but £££ is killing me.

get a new fuckin job bc im sick to death of serving people coffee and not actually doing anything meaningful

go back on t? idk this has been my resolution like two years in a row now and like... this year i got one (1) shot and then never went back so.

oh shit go back on my meds actually and maybe like go to therapy

50. What do you wish for yourself?

oof idk. that i pass uni this year and actually graduate, that i can get a job in tv, that i can actually DO something that i care about and feel even like semi fulfilled doing. idk. 

ty for sending these

[angrypedestrian]

THE TIME IDIOTS 406 TITLED “Phil knows too much and I must go” MY THOUGHTS:

Okay so this episode was super fucking rude to me on a NUMBER of levels. LETS LIST THEM: 

trans (man) culture is hating your dad, 

BUT ALSO needing his approval DEEPLY, 

but then LEARNING and GROWING and realizing you DON’T need his approval because you are PERFECT the way you ARE

nate trying to get hank to care about historical context, 

this is me in any situation

ever

NATE MATURING AND REALIZING HE LOVES THE LEGENDS BUT IT’S NOT ALL HE IS. He has become more and loves himself enough to know he’s still a hero outside the ship

god fucking DAMNIT

ANYWAYS

BE NICE TO MONA AVA SHE LIKES GOLDEN GIRLS

how fucking DARE YOU

she is an ANGEL who deserves the WORLD

and ava i know hank is up your ass but you want your people to be happy be fucking nice to them

that’s like boss 101

oh no someone on staff is reading fanfic 

i know they’re not supposed to 

they know they’re not supposed to

but there’s no way they haven’t

there are roughly 10,000 versions of this specific scenario in avalance fic

OH LOOK the re-emergence of my number 1 enemy: the time bureau and its relationship to government bureacracy. where to even fucking start.

WHY DO THEY NEED MONEY FOR COSTUMES GIDEON MAKES THEM. do they need to pay for fabricator juice (??™️??). 

where the fuck does that come from? 

WHERE DO THEY GET A TIME CORE?

is there a super top secret lockheed contract?

do they time travel into the future?

if so, do they exchange 2018 US dollars for whatever fucking currency there is in 3097 whatever the fuck? how does THAT get captured in the budget. 

WHERE. ARE. THE. SPREADSHEETS. 

Hank has them and i should get access too IT’S ONLY FAIR

LET ME HAVE THEM PHIL

ALSO the real conflict of interest with Ava and Sara dating would not be tolerated by the government JUST SAYING

RAY COULD USE A HUG

FROM NATE

CAUSE THEY’RE IN LOVE

IRL DRAGON BROS

and i know ray’s gonna go be heterosexual with his wife and that’s wonderful and all BUT NATE AND RAY’s LOVE THO

Hank asks some real good questions, just sayin

the return of Gideon’s projected form!

gotta spend that cgi budget!

oh john, live your truth

your nude, nude truth

mick is an asshole, i love him so much

oh nick my baby boy no

he just loves amaya so much and that split second when his whole happiness crashes into the ground broke me

he digs the accent cause of the dread pirate jiwe

sara: i REFUSE to open excel once in my fucking LIFE this tour has to go well i cannot make a budget

I CANNOT

sara: nate i’m going to lay out your dad

nate: oh fucking RAD lemme get babe ruth’s bat from storage

i would like to thank phil for letting me watch Midnight in Paris without having to see a Woody Allen film OR look at a Wilson brother, so at least there’s that

woody allen fucking WISHES he could make an episode of legends

matt ryan saying weasel is this week’s Neal MacDonough Memorial Could Get It Award™️

that one word changed me

everyone ships ray and nora even ava

MONA YOU SWEET ANGEL

you sweet devious angel

who has read way too much fanfic

PUNCH HEMINGWAY 1927 CHALLENGE

nate not having time for this macho crap is mature trans man culture!!!

hank: history is for nerds

nate: *clenches his fists so hard he creates diamonds from dust*

the implication that sara knows anything about hemmingway is...bold

these fucking catacombs made of plastic skulls and play place foam bricks

nora reading middle aged lady erotic fiction 

this is art

oh nora sweetie

you’ll learn to love mona yet everyone does

nate baby you have a universal translator???

whatchu doing?

minoTAUR YESSSSSS

i fucking LOVE the minotaur

however charlie he’s not really hiding that’s not really the deal???

but y’know whatever

nate you don’t have to prove anything to your dad

you were doing so good!

don’t give in!

fuck your dad!

MINOTAUR BEHEAD HEMMINGWAY 1927 CHALLENGE

who cares how it would fuck up time JUST MURDER HIM

nate: hank i know you’ve played a lot big buck hunter, this is...different

MYTHOLOGY BURN

sara: know you are a dork while i am high fiving you for this

mona: reason one not to fire me: have you looked at me?

mona: i am ADORABLE

yeah law school is the fall back have you looked at the fucking job market for that shit ava???

this trio is a beautiful dream

nate wanted a TEAM DOG

he is the only good in this world

PIZZA PARTIES

nate is me. i am nate. I HATE YOU PHIL GET OUT OF MY HEAD

please stop saying it as mine-o-taur

please

isn’t the sisterhood of the traveling pants a death cult in its own way?

rip tibby

can every episode just involve various grouping of characters get drunk?

that’s all i want

god these fucking dorks that all play DnD jesus christ

that was a solid Sting burn well done legends writers

stand up to your DAD NATHANIEL

DO IT

I LOVE YOU

fuCK

oh this minotaur outfit should not have been put into regular lighting

minotaur: fuuuucccckkkk this is my JAM

mona, you put your whole ass hand on that slice of cake

ava is finally learning the lesson is that all it takes is one hang session and you aren’t evil anymore

ray

raymond

what the....fuck

i did see nick’s insta story of him doing that tablecloth trick and i hate how impressed i am by it

hank: this is SPORTS i understand you now my SON

nate, openly weeping: i don’t need your validation

oh fuck are you fucking kidding me

no way this minotaur wants to listen to james taylor

if that’s tom wilson’s voice it is very nice

HANDSHAKE

i will probably need to do a separate post on all my many MANY feelings about nate and his dad because this list is already so fucking long

ava is learning to be a fully fledged human being!

in no way would the DoD keep the legends around after that

the magic of TV

Fuck you Nick and your wonderful little baby i’m glad you’re taking care of your family but now i am SAD

i know he won’t be gone for good yet, but this was probably nate’s last big focus episode and it was so beautiful but also i am SAD

UNIONIZING

GO OUT ON A HIGH NOTE MY BOY

(also a lot of public employees are already unionized???)

(also also i am not 4real afraid phil is reading my thoughts)

Next week: catch me still openly weeping over how much i love Nathaniel Heywood. Also: haunted dolls and also the Stein puppet!

thanks i hate it!

[detectivenyx]

im gonna try it anyway and try to make it more coherent when im better, if i remember

- to my understanding, prior to The Wizard Book, the majority of fanworks either didn’t really rub up against the authors of the original works, or when they did, there were severe consequences. anne rice would sue the pants off anyone making IWAV fan content and im certain she was just one of the most extreme examples, not necessarily an outlier.

- by contrast, The Author of the Increasingly Desperate Attempts to Remain Relevant (which i’ll shorten to taidarr from here on out) openly interacted with the fans of The Wizard Book. whether or not she was kind or not probably mattered 20-25 years ago, but now it does not - all that matters is she opened this dialogue. and that’s where shit started to go wrong.

- it’s a little infamous that The Wizard Book Number 6 had its Spoilery Twist exposed sometime around 2006-ish when it was being released, Mr Sus Kills Gandalf. fans were pissed off at that revelation, but iirc it was not the only one; a twist in Number 7 also got straight up emailed to everyone on taidarr’s mailing list - anyone waiting for a copy who checked their emails that day was treated to every spoiler in the book.

- taidarr’s final impression in her actual written work doesn’t get to actually hit. and while i despise this woman with every fibre of my being, as an aspiring writer i can definitely get being disappointed, especially since it was 10 years of work in the making. but unfortunately, this is the foundation for the fandom problems.

- twitter gets invented and taidarr eventually makes an account, providing her with a direct link to millions of fans of The Wizard Book who can now ask her their every burning question about the work whenever they want - for better and for worse. actually let’s not kid ourselves, for worse and for even more worse.

- taidarr starts out seeming centre-left - Mr Wizard’s lady friend can be whatever race you like, Gandalf is gay (granted this was at a book signing years ago) - but this is placed alongside completely misguided takes, such as Mr Werewolf’s Werewolfness is AIDS (in the book where there’s an older werewolf who tries to turn children into werewolves) and Wizards Shit Themselves And Use Magic To Get Rid Of It.

- fans point out more offensive portrayals of minorities in taidarr’s novels - the black man named Mr Slave, the Korean girl named two first names (one of which is Chinese), the trans woman described as mannish and as though that is a negative and an unnatural. taidarr does not like this because she has been trying to scoot around on her reputation of ‘yes my characters can be minorities! you should in fact make them minorities so i don’t have to! :)’, and this shatters this.

- while taidarr goes on a spiral that ends with her straight up undermining the Racism Metaphor that Magic Hitler was supposed to represent and being blacklisted from effectively anyone to the left of a canteloupe that believes in no sex before marriage, fandom culture takes note of how her stupid antics actually kept The Wizard Book alive long after the last movie got shovelled out into the theaters. the important takeaways they divined, whether correct or not: a story lives and dies on whether it’s spoiled, toss in some vaguely woke messaging in the marketing but no effort into whether it’s actually good.

- films become less about appeasing to a message because that is not what sells and more about appeasing to a fandom. make the designs more marketable, more easy to make fan content from. and sometimes even just toss in some social media queerbaiting to boot. this might seem like either a recent phenomenon or an age old thing but bbc sherlock did it in 2014 and more recently warner bros. did it with daffy and bugs on instagram in 2022.

- media is no longer about art, the message it tells, but how many asses they can get into seats to get spoiler inoculations - but they’ll film dozens of different endings to prevent leaks and then leave all that time and effort on the cutting room floor purely to ‘get ahead’ of the fans. but once the film is out after opening weekend, all that matters is that they got all the money. because taidarr’s ending didn’t matter, by her own silent admission, by continuing to insert herself into the work well after she supposedly finished it. all because it was spoiled and everyone focused on that.

- i have no idea if fanfiction also changed because of her but i have the worst feeling it does even if i can’t justify it rn

i think taidarr would’ve still slid down the alt right i-hate-minorities-that-aren’t-white-cis-women hole if she hadn’t had her story spoiled, but when it was she took the entire fucking entertainment industry with her

im almost 80% certain that the author of the increasingly desperate moments to remain relevant purely for bigotry reasons is also the one responsible for the absolute DECLINE of fandom and media from the 90s to now but i am probably too delirious with illness to actually link it all together

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: See You Around, Kid

The Last Jedi was good, manq. Real good. Like, overwhelmingly so. Disney is good at making compelling films. I was ridiculously surprised by where they took this film and that in it’s self is surprising to me. I adore Star Wars. I adore films. I’ve seen a lot of them. And while this does have those Empire notes all over it, it’s still it’s own monster and it’s a damn beautiful monster at that.

The Best

Kylo Ren, as a character, was f*cking dope. I thought he was kind of a sniveling weenies in Awakens but, nope. Dude is anger incarnate! My goodness, that character growth was satisfying. There are things he does that lead to certain, almost inevitable outcomes, and it just so refreshing to see a Skywalker actual fulfill their destiny and sit on high. Adam Driver put his whole into this role and i adored every second of it.

This movie is beautiful The color pallet accentuates and embellished. The effects are used only to enhances, never to overwhelm. There’s a scene towards the end with a kamikaze run at lightspeed and it was just a f*cking breathtaking sequence. It was the mst beautiful scene i’ve watched in a film all year.

Rian Johnson directed his ass off in this film. I’ve always been a fan of cat. He has a distinct vision for film and gift at storytelling. His Looper was a breath of fresh air for me so when they announced he was going to helm Episode 8, i knew we would see something special. And this movie IS something special.

RIP Carrie Fisher. Leia was a goddamn triumph in this film and she will be missed.

But dem adorable ass Porgs, tho!

The Better

Domhnall Gleason’s Hux was a joy, let me tell you. I thought his overacting in Awakens was maybe a little zealous but that’s just who Hux is.It shine through and through in this, particularly when he’s interacting with other characters. That exchange with Poe in the beginning was just priceless.

Laura Dern was outstanding as Holdo. Watching her do the thing was horrifying. I feel like we should have had more of her but, you know, whatever. She a boss!

Seeing a disillusioned and hopeless Luke was wildly jarring. Mark Hamil has gone on record criticizing the choices made for his character in this flick but he seemed to have embraced all of them with his performance. He was such a spunky kid in the originals and even turned his father back to the light. But then some stuff happened and NOPE. Cat was wracked with guilt and self exiled for a reason. Sh*t felt a lot like Yoda at the end of Revenge. Interestingly enough...

But Dat Master Yoder, Tho!

Watching Luke on the Falcon broke my f*cking heart.

Poe had an interesting progression throughout this film. Aside from Kylo, Poe had the most growth in this flick. It was very interesting watching his journey and i’m curious where he goes from here. Not bad for a character that was suppose to be killed off initially. That’s a credit to Oscar Issac’s skill as an actor.

The Good

Boyega’s Finn had some good face time. I didn’t care for his little arc or whatever but he’s grown as an actor and that was fun to see. His portion of the story though, not so good...

Kelly Marie Tran’s Rose was on point until the need. She got Finn’d. Like, her characters arc in this, was almost identical to Finn’s arc in Awakens,complete with post-battle coma. It was corny.

Rey was... eh. I enjoy Daisy Ridley. Her rising star is a wonder to watch but her Rey was just so mediocre in this flick. Coming off her integral role in Awakens only to have her basically relegated to errand girl in this was kind of a let down. I mean, i get it. This isn’t her story. This is Kylo’s story. But. goddamn, she was dope as sh*t in Awakens! Why you gotta weeniefy her like that Rian??

But dem cameos, tho?

The Eh

Snoke was a chump. Chump. He was pretty powerful and did some cool sh*t onscreen, but he was a chump. I knew he would be though. Bro was corny in Awakens ad he went out like a sucka in this one. F*cking chump.

This stupid f*cking love triangle between Rey, Finn, and Rose is retarded.

Everything kind of came full circle and it doesn’t feel earned. Like, the First Order apparently didn’t lose in Awakens. Those planets that Starkiller blew up was, like, the bulk of the Republic apparently. The Resistance has legit become the Rebellion. Again. F*cking Rebel Scum.

Phasma got played like a chump, just like Snoke. It was bullsh*t. My darling Gwendoline Christie. They wasted you... My goodness, am i unreasonable attracted to Gwendoline Christie...

Why was Benicio Del Tor even in this? I mean, i enjoyed his character, dude is good at his job, but he was completely unnecessary. His whole shtick felt forced. Eyyy! pretty puny, i might say.

There were some pacing issues, particular that whole Casino subplot, but that’s a small gripe. Also, the fact he the meat of this story is basically a two and a half hour chase scene was a little scathing at times.

The Verdict

Yo, i loved this film. I did. It’s easily my second favorite Star Wars film after Empire. It’s almost as good as that one, too. Almost. It falters at some places, all movies do, but it’s still a goddamn gem. The mild grievances i had with this flick pale in comparison to the utter brilliance that Rian Johnson laid before my eyes. Goddamn, bro, this thing was good! I suggest to go see this flick immediately but you probably already have. Everyone will have by monday so, you know, go see it again. I 3D. That sh*t was a goddamn spectacle!

[comfort-blankets]

*Event Matchup*

@dumpster--king

I’m a pansexual trans man, I love drawing, singing, animating, writing, playing video games and roleplaying. Personality: introverted, quiet, stoic, resting bitch face when you first meet me, when I start to open up more I get loud and comedic, sometimes I tell really self-deprecating jokes when I’m feeling down and am trying to joke, I hate making people feel bad or awkward unless they’ve hurt my friends or family, I’m very overprotective and giving to those I care about. Bipolar and sometimes very emotional and wanting to be cuddly, when I’m sad I isolate myself from other people so I can cry and even then it’s difficult to let my emotions out. Always willing to be a shoulder to cry on for the people I love and give them everything, I believe that there’s good in everyone and I try really hard to be the best person I can be.

Hey big bro! It took me a while but I finally came up with someone!

I hope you enjoy you single corn chip <3

I ship you with….

Old McDonald!

I had trouble with this one because I believe that both Hanzo and McCree would be great matches for you, but Jesse sold me when you mentioned the bitch face and how much fun he would have trying to break it into a smile.

Surprisingly enough, when you join you both happen to be at the right place at the right time; a bar of course. Jesse was curious to say the least, and new recruits could be nervous in a foreign place. You don’t look to be from around here, not that anyone in the group is either, not even he himself. People come from across the world to join the newly founded Overwatch, but you’re one of the few new members that they take in.

McCree wasn’t exactly supposed to be there as not to bring shit to the name again, but they let him lay low there as a good new hiding spot until the red flags of the rumor that Overwatch takes in criminals breaks down. Which means that any deadass thief wants to be as far as possible from the reinforcements the corporation had to offer. A perfect hiding place indeed.

This rule was followed, until they took in Jamison and Mako as a form of punishment lead by officials. Overwatch was now an honorable way to achieve redemption for past actions, now thought of as a relatively positive thing. The group was getting a good image on the media again, inviting intelligent youths with inspiring messages for the world to see so they could fight for their people’s freedom.

That was the perfect time to finally get back to his old job.

Which meant not only that he was no longer stuck having to roam all the time, but that he’d be able to talk with people. Have connections again, not be so bored that he begins to make the voices of the people he knew in his head.

And then that’s when you come in, your first night being drained from talking to older members that you don’t want to disappoint, and deciding that you’re a grown ass adult who can sit at a bar and drink if he feels like it.

Turns out the Western man decides to invite you to a bar he likes since you already happen to be going, fully planning on dissecting that personality from your pretty little head. He’s a charmer, but ends up laughing at your jokes more than he can make them. He’s never thought that calling someone an object as an insult could be so amusing.

McCree laughs like he means it when he actually does, chest rumbling and head turning down to shake in some sort of fake disapproval. There’s a strong temptation to place your hand to his chest just to see if you can feel an earthquake over his skin. A tornado through his throat. The cigar lolls from one side of his bottom lip to the other whilst he moves, something only an experienced smoker can achieve when all they do as an expertise is be a professional chimney. There’s the assumption that he must be warm like a fireplace too, but it may be just how welcoming his aura is. When his mouth opens his words are followed by clouds of cheap cigarillo exhaust, almost like he’s talking from a speech bubble.

“Ever used a six shooter darlin’?”

After that, all of the sudden he’s all over you.

Patting a seat next to him at tables, walking up to show you something that you could improve on with your aim (or just showing off), calling you every sweet name in the book just to see you stumble over words. Jesse always comments about it being like there’s steam coming from your ears when he flusters you.

Your jokes grow less platonic, your time together is often placed in missions because of how well you get along, and believe it or not Jesse is always the first to fall.

Jesse and James, the first inside joke made by Genji after he mentioned that the original main characters from Team Rocket were named in such way. Now it’s often that when Winston assigns another job for you two that he calls it ‘Mission for Team Rocket’ just for fun. McCree could never be happier.

It doesn’t last long.

Because of his flirtatious nature, when he is truly serious about his feelings many put it off. Not that he’s loved a whole lot of people in his time as much as he does here, since his life was basically planned out for him.

Maybe it’s the low self esteem you have or the fact that you never really saw him that way, but he still gets a giddy feeling in his stomach when you send back a compliment his way. 

Even if you won’t ever mean it the way he does.

When he finally tells you, it’s a time he didn’t expect to live in order to have another beer with you.

It’s the day that you smell the scent of blood, metalic, much stronger than you ever have before. A day for hands pressing on wounds and for yelling into a com for someone to listen. Blind panic and moments you don’t have to hesitate and wonder idly in the back of your head if you did it right.

There were three main people who had a part in this performance.

A cowboy, who had amazing luck.

The man in which he adored.

A bullet.

The sniper was really only a background character, and the bullet did more to change the story anyways.

If it were an actual film it may have been put under the category of an action filled suspense based movie with a romantic side plot. In a way Jesse felt bad for ruining it, knowing how much you hated the unnecessary scenes of kissing and flirting in previous plots you’d watch become unfolded before you. An old television you two scavenged in the basement to watch ‘The Good, The bad, and The Ugly’ with.

And as the cowboy knew his luck had never left him, he decided that being able to decide his fate for once was a good way to go out. He’d saved the day, he was exactly how he dreamt of being as a young boy. Imagined sacrificing himself for a darling Jesse found suitable, knowing they’d hold a wonderful memory for years to come until they left to join him as well. A hero that didn’t follow all the rules, but everyone appreciated.

His hat tipped back a bit.

So when asked of what he wanted you to do to help him, he gives a smirk and folds his arms around his chest.

“Gimme a kiss.” The first connection of lips was nice, even if there was a bullet in his shoulder. He’d be grateful to it later, but for now it was a pest. An aching headache he didn’t have time for, a barking dog stuck outside in the background.

His metal arm is the one that pulls you back when you think you’re finished, a gentle hum as you feel those artificial fingers hold your cheek.

You know now that there is indeed an earthquake on his skin when he laughs.

Afterwards, he lives to tell the tale and jokes with you, saying that you were a real angel. That he ‘saw the goddamn light in yer eyes’, someone whose kisses would bring life. Jesse sneaks from the infirmary and ignores your protective chiding about how he should be in bed healing to beg for more attention. He’s a clingy man, always working for your eyes to drag to him, despite the fact that you do so very often. A young love that he hasn’t experienced in a long time, Deadlock maybe.

And the next time Jesse gets hurt he smiles like a fool when you come in to see him, casted arm, bruises, and all.

McCree, in all honesty, needs a shoulder of a person to cry on instead of a bottle of beer’s. He’s a cheerful and charming man, a changed one, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t seen and experienced things. He enjoys your company, often plays the guitar (we all know he probably does) to get you to sing some old fashioned country music with him.

He thinks you’re the funniest guy in the world, and does anything in his power to make sure that you’re comfortable and safe. Take a few bullets for you again in the future, and makes you watch more old Westerns with him to pay your debt every time.

That bitch face does not effect him at all. Nothing. The expression may as well be the definition of cute in his book, and often tries to make his own aggressively negative looking face time to time just to hear your laugh.

A man with a soft side, someone who’d be perfect to tell your sins and complaints to about the world. God knows he definitely isn’t a saint with all the acts of violence he’s committed and can never take back.

A shoulder for a shoulder, don’t you know?

Jesse loves you very much.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: See You Around, Kid

The Last Jedi was good, manq. Real good. Like, overwhelmingly so. Disney is fantastic at making compelling films. I was ridiculously surprised by where they took this story and that in it’s self is testament to their vision. I adore Star Wars. I adore films. I’ve seen a lot of them. I’ve seen all of the Star Wars entries to date. And while this does have those Empire notes all over it, it’s still it’s own monster and it’s a damn beautiful monster at that. The thing is, though, however beautiful, there are still flaws. Flaws that carried over from Awakens. Flaws that are just tham much more exacorbeated by sequelitits.

The Best

Kylo Ren, as a character, was f*cking dope. I thought he was kind of a sniveling weenie in Awakens but, nope. Dude is anger incarnate! My goodness, that character growth was satisfying. There are things he does that lead to certain, almost inevitable outcomes, and it just so refreshing to see a Skywalker actual fulfill their destiny and sit on high. Adam Driver put his whole into this role and i adored every second of it.

This movie is beautiful The color pallet accentuates and embellished. The effects are used only to enhance, never to overwhelm. There’s a scene towards the end with a kamikaze run at lightspeed and it was just a f*cking breathtaking sequence. It was the most beautiful scene i’ve watched in a film all year.

Rian Johnson directed his ass off in this film. I’ve always been a fan of cat. He has a distinct vision for his project and gift at storytelling. His Looper was a breath of fresh air for me so when they announced he was going to helm Episode 8, i knew we would see something special. And this movie IS something special.

RIP Carrie Fisher. Leia was a goddamn triumph in this film and she will be missed.

But dem adorable ass Porgs, tho!

The Better

Domhnall Gleason’s Hux was a joy, let me tell you. I thought his overacting in Awakens was maybe a little zealous but that’s just who Hux is. His manic enthusiam for the First Order shines through in this outing, particularly when he’s interacting with other characters. That exchange with Poe in the beginning was just priceless.

Laura Dern was outstanding as Holdo. Watching her do the thing was horrifying. I feel like we should have had more of her but, you know, whatever. She a boss!

Seeing a disillusioned and hopeless Luke was wildly jarring. Mark Hamil has gone on record criticizing the choices made for his character in this flick but he seemed to have embraced all of them with his performance. He was such a spunky kid in the originals and even turned his father back to the light. But then some stuff happened and NOPE. Cat was wracked with guilt and self exiled for a reason. Sh*t felt a lot like Yoda at the end of Revenge. Interestingly enough...

But Dat Master Yoder, Tho!

Watching Luke on the Falcon broke my f*cking heart.

Poe had an interesting progression throughout this film. Aside from Kylo, Poe had the most growth in this flick. While i don’t agree with the changes to his character, it was very interesting watching his journey and i’m curious where he goes from here. Not bad for a character that was suppose to be killed off initially. That’s a credit to Oscar Issac’s skill as an actor.

The Good

Boyega’s Finn had some good face time. I didn’t care for his little arc or whatever but he’s grown as an actor and that was fun to see. His portion of the story though, not so good...

Kelly Marie Tran’s Rose was on point until the end. She got Finn’d. Like, her characters arc was almost identical to Finn’s arc in Awakens, complete with post-battle coma. It was corny.

Rey was... eh. I enjoy Daisy Ridley. Her rising star is a wonder to watch but her Rey was just so mediocre in this flick. Coming off her integral, and very much Mary Sued, role in Awakens only to have her basically relegated to errand girl in this was kind of a let down. I mean, i get it. This isn’t her story. This is Kylo’s story. But. goddamn, she was dope as sh*t in Awakens! Why you gotta weeniefy her like that Rian??

But dem cameos, tho?

The Eh

Snoke was a chump. Chump. He was pretty powerful and did some cool sh*t onscreen, but he was a chump. I knew he would be though. Bro was corny in Awakens and he went out like a sucka in this one. F*cking chump.

This stupid f*cking love triangle between Rey, Finn, and Rose is retarded.

Everything kind of came full circle and it doesn’t feel earned. Like, the First Order apparently didn’t lose in Awakens. Those planets that Starkiller blew up were, like, the bulk of the Republic apparently. The Resistance has legit become the Rebellion. Again. F*cking Rebel Scum.

Phasma got played like a chump, just like Snoke. It was bullsh*t. My darling Gwendoline Christie. They wasted you... My goodness, am i unreasonably attracted to Gwendoline Christie. I wanted so much more from her character in this flick, not just a peekabo of her eyebefore she feell to a flaming death. Whack.

Why was Benicio Del Toro even in this? I mean, i enjoyed his character, dude is good at his job, but he was completely unnecessary. His whole shtick felt forced. Eyyy! pretty puny, i might say.

There were some pacing issues, particularly that whole Casino subplot, but that’s a small gripe. Also, the fact the meat of this story is basically a two and a half hour chase scene was a little scathing at times.

Rey’s overpowered nonsense is starting to take it’s toll. For her to best Luke in a lightsaber duel after she’s had one lightsbaer fight in her entire life, is kind of ridiculous. Look, i get she’s crazy overpowered. I get she’ s a Mary Sue because Kathleen Kennedy said so. I get they’re passing the torch and moving away from the Skywalkers. But seriously? You expect me to buy that she’s able to do sh*t that took Luke years to learn, in a matter of weeks? Really? Come the f*ck on, dude.

The Verdict

Yo, i loved this film. I did. It’s easily my second favorite Star Wars film after Empire. It’s almost as good as that one, too, for what it is. Almost. It falters at some places, all movies do, but it’s still a goddamn gem. The mild grievances i had with this flick pale in comparison to the utter brilliance that Rian Johnson laid before my eyes. Goddamn, bro, this thing was fun! However, there is a caveat to all of my praise. While i enjoyed everything i was given here, i don’t think it fits in the new trilogy. I don’t think it fits the Star Wars mythos as a whole. This feels more like a dope ass anthology film rather than a main line Star Wars epic. I think Rian Johnson was given just a bit too much control over this movie and it got away from Lucas’ original agenda. I think Kennedy didn’t want to reel him in after all of the issues with Rogue One and the whispers of how terrible Solo might end up being. Still, I suggest going to see this flick, immediately, but to temper your expectations. It’s good but if you took issue with the trajectory Awakens has put the Star Wars franchise on, you might hate where Jedi leaves it.