#is because that implied moment in chapter 4 is more of a acknowledgement that their relationship might seem...'unusual' to outsiders

[quaranmine]

Hey it’s been a while since I’ve been around to read/message cause life’s been a lot at the start of this semester but I saw your tags and I must say that I Definitely picked up that Grian’s boss thought mumbo was his bf

NICE now i know at least three of y'all caught that. What can I say...it's the 80s and Grian's pretty inconsolably devastated about his close friend whom he not only lives with but moved accros the world with. and they're not even college students or something, they're in their mid-late 20s when many people (especially decades ago) were settling down. it's raising some eyebrows for that guy-

there's like a secret shipping version of this fic but the content of the fic is just completely identical and all i do is change the tagging LOL

^^^ discord message i sent right after i wrote the line in chapter 8 about how grian recognizes the sound of scar's breathing 😭

to that point though, i realized really early into this fanfic that the reason my writing kept straddling this romantic-platonic line in my head (because i was getting shipping vibes from my own work) was mainly because of the depth and intensity of grian's grief. i sort of subconsciously associated this kind of reaction to the loss of romantic partner, not a friend. thereby suggesting it's somehow less traumatic to lose a friend? i realized that my initial vibes automatically weighted romantic relationships as being more important than platonic relationships. and i don't really like that assumption. i don't like that my first reaction was that intense grief had to equal romance, and that platonic should be placed on a lower rung with less intense emotion. they're different relationship dynamics, but they can be equally important in someone's life. there's love in both places.

ANYWAY so after i worked that all out, i doubled down on keeping it a genfic. so, in general as a writer--not just for this au but for my other works--i always want to go all in. i've struggled with holding myself back before and i want to break that mental barrier. i don't want to flinch away from showing any kind of emotion between characters in my work. if that means grian saying mumbo meant everything to him or him saying he wouldn't have survived without scar, well...

anyway y'all do have my permission to read this fic as a grumbo or scarian (or mumscarian if you're optimistic) fanfic if you want to. i don't care! it'd make a great shipping fic. it will stay as a genfic ultimately, though, so if you want to go in with shipping goggles you're not going to get any specific resolution for that kind of relationship

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

We'll Save You (1/4)

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Janus finds himself stumbling into problems like one stumbles over rocks on the road, except some problems are a little worse than others.

But when he finally stumbles into someone who isn't like everyone else Janus' had met so far in this unforgiving world, he thinks that maybe there is some merit to the world after all.

----

| Ao3 | Next Chapter -> |

Fic Warnings: implied + referenced abuse/torture. trauma, an oc character generally being creepy. referenced past starvation

Pairings: pre-established prinxiety, pre-romantic anaroceit.

Word Count: 4054

Notes: Hellloooo @anaroceitweek day 1 here - yes I'm tagging myself and participating in my own event shut up.

Ao3 is down so I can't post on there just yet, but I will later! So! Yeah!

My plan is to continue this fic with a few of the other prompts from this week if I can get the writing done in time, but I might not lol, they may be late. I really want to draw Roman from this au after I described him-

Also I'm flying by the seat of my pants for this fic (wtf does this phrase actually mean lmao) so I have planned NOTHING lol

----

“Hello there little one,” said a whispering voice in the back of Janus’ mind that sent shivers down his spine. He ignored it, resolute, you weren’t supposed to talk to the voices in the forest, “My my, aren’t you far from home?”

Janus growled in the back of his throat, pushing forward. If he didn’t acknowledge the creepy voice speaking straight into his brain, then it would go away and leave him the hell alone. 

“What is such a little thing like you doing here in our woods anyway?” The voice sounded thoughtful, and Janus could almost picture a being putting a finger to their chin in curiosity with it.

He shook his head to get rid of the image and kept walking at his almost-too-quick pace, pushing back a branch, ducking under another one, stepping over the poisonous plant, keep going. 

“Careful where you step,” The voice crooned, almost mocking, Janus couldn’t resist the urge to glance around at the area. No one was there, he glared at the empty space anyway. 

“Why such a look, little one? I’m only trying to help,” The voice said, growing a little louder and slightly more persistent, the tone was almost a whine, but somehow Janus could tell that whatever was talking to him wasn’t genuinely upset.

“Shut up,” Janus muttered, pulling out a compass as he stopped for a moment, he groaned, finding he’d gone off course a little, turning and heading in the right direction.

“You shouldn’t be here,” The voice seemed to tease, “The woods are no place for a little mortal like you.”

“Yeah, well, don’t really have a choice do I,” Janus hissed at the empty forest around him, before slapping a hand over his mouth and sighing. Well, now he’d done it. 

“Oh how precious!” The voice seemed to laugh, “What are you running from, little one?”

“Nothing,” Janus snapped, “None of your business, whatever you are.”

“But it is my business, see,” They said voice punctuated with a cackle that had Janus paling, “Because you just stepped into my circle!”

“What,” Janus whispered, panicked now as he heard a whooshing breeze and suddenly the voice was gone. He looked around him, alarmed, to find that he was in fact standing in a circle - of pink and yellow flowers and mushrooms. He cursed, looking around again, this was a fairy circle, and he was stood in the centre of it. 

A strong, icy breeze whipped through the forest, tugging at his cloak and hair before settling again. Janus needed to get out of this circle before… but he couldnt’ seem to move his damn feet.

“What a surprise!” Someone said behind him, the voice sounded eerily similar to the one that had been speaking in his head, “Why, I haven’t had a visitor in years, welcome to my circle, little one.”

“Let me g-” Janus hissed, turning around only for his jaw to drop, the word he was speaking being cut off halfway through. 

Standing mere inches behind him was a person who could only possibly be fae. They smiled at him, the look on their face was something that might have been inviting, possibly even warm, if he took it at face value. 

Instead, he saw the undertones, something unnerving, and almost sinister. 

“Won’t you rest, little one, you’ve had such a long journey,” They said, cupping his face with their hand, he could already feel himself sinking to the ground, compelled by the siren-like melody of their words, “Yes that’s right, just rest, and tell me, what is your name, little one?”

Janus opened his mouth to reply, to answer, despite every part of him screaming no, to stay awake, to keep his name locked close to his chest. As his vision went black, he knew he wasn’t lucky enough to be so strong-willed. 

—-

Running. 

He was running. 

Where to? He didn’t know, where from? He shuddered to think.

His legs burned, the muscles screaming at him to stop, to rest, take a break, his mind whispered. He couldn’t take a break, if he stopped they would catch him and bring him back. His lungs burned too, every breath feeling like sandpaper in his throat, he kept going despite, kept pushing as he flew through the forest, the trees and the grass and plants barely able to hold him back for a second. 

It wasn’t the same forest he had been in all those years ago when he’d been escaping something that felt so far away from him now. So inconsequential and yet still able to shoot another bolt of adrenaline down his spine. He kept running.

No, this wasn’t the same forest. This one was luscious, almost too saturated - enough to hurt Janus’ eyes if he looked close for too long. This forest was filled with critters he didn’t know how to name, that he’d never seen before. It was filled with floating orbs of light that kept his path glowing ahead of him even as night began to fall. 

Janus ran until he crashed into something solid. His eyes were starting to blur from exhaustion at that point, and when he hit… whatever he had run into… his legs buckled and he simply sank to the floor, trying to pull air into his lungs. He didn’t know how far he had gotten, he only remembered the last stretch of the journey. But he felt like he had been running for hours. 

Someone was speaking, and Janus felt a dull stab of panic in his chest, someone was here, would they take him back? Had they come for him?

He tried to push himself up so he could run again but found he could barely even push himself up from the ground. When his arms gave out and he collapsed again, he was caught by an arm, a strong, warm arm, that pulled him into some kind of hold. His mind was too hazy and tired to really register what was happening as he was lifted into the air and carried away. 

—-

“What the fuck is that.” 

“A mortal!” Roman said, “I think.”

“You think?” Virgil hissed, pacing, “You just- You just brought in what you think is a mortal? To our house?”

“It ran into me!” Roman protested, “And then collapsed - and it looked so scared, I couldn’t just - leave it, Virge, you know that.”

“Well what are we supposed to do with it now?” Virgil said, gesturing widely to the mortal who lay sleeping in their shared bed. He wasn’t in the best shape, not by a long way. He was scrawny, with barely any meat on his bones. He wore clothes that covered his arms and legs, though they were ripped in places and too big. Knotted, messy blonde hair covered their still tense face. 

Roman took a deep breath, “I supposed we… look after it?”

“You’re serious?” Virgil said, groaning, “Why don’t we just drop it outside of the nearest fairy circle back into the mortal world?”

“Virge,” Roman said sternly, “First off, I think it’s a he? We’ll have to ask when it- he- wakes up, second, we don’t know where he came from, or how long he’s been here - we can’t just drop him off in the mortal world! He might be centuries and miles away from when he came in!”

“So?” Virgil said, crossing his arms, “Since when was that our problem?”

“Shush,” Roman hissed, raising a hand, “I think he’s waking up!”

“Ro- what-” Virgil hissed back as Roman rushed over to the bed, watching the mortal intently as he slowly blinked open his eyes. There was a moment of silence - so much so that even the room seemed to be holding it’s breath - before the human finally noticed Roman.

And Virgil felt such a strong bolt of fear surge through the room that he almost doubled over - a hand to his chest. The human scrambled from the bed, backing into the corner of the room on shaky legs and putting as much distance between himself and Roman as he could. 

Roman went to step closer, before Virgil intervened, grabbing the back of Roman’s blouse and dragging him back a few steps all while breathing heavily. 

Being able to feel other being’s fear was a useful power, but when it was so strong that it almost hurt it made Virgil wish he could turn it off. 

Virgil wondered what had happened to this human to make him so scared. 

“He’s terrified,” Virgil whispered to Roman, before letting him go. 

“Of what?” Roman asked, eyes wide. 

“You, I think,” Virgil said, “Maybe me too, not sure.”

“Stay away-” The human said raising a hand when Roman turned back to look at him, “What- do you want from me?”

Roman considered, for a second, before taking a deep breath, “Nothing.”

The mortal seemed shocked by that. Shocked enough to near collapse against the wall, ending up sitting on the plush carpet in the corner of the room. 

“...Nothing?” He asked, voice small.

“I didn’t bring you here to take from you,” Roman told him, trying to keep his voice soft but firm, Virgil remained silent, watching the exchange over Roman’s shoulder, “I brought you here so you could rest safely, that is all.”

“You’re not… you’re not with them?” The mortal asked.

“Who’s ‘them’, sweetie?” Roman asked gently, before sharing a worried glance with Virgil.

“The ones who gave me these,” The mortal said, sounding almost sad, though Virgil could still feel the fear radiating from him. Moments later he brushed his hair from his face, holding it back so that Virgil and Roman could see the marks imprinted there. 

Virgil gasped, covering his mouth with a hand. On the left side of the mortal’s face - from hairline to chin - was what looked like scales. Virgil knew better, though, the mark only looked like scales. 

“Vee,” Roman whispered, “You look pale.”

“That-” Virgil started, before looking at the mortal, who shrank back under his gaze and let the hair fall back into place, once again covering the mark, “That’s a brand, Ro.”

“What?” Roman yelped, “I thought those…”

“Weren’t a thing anymore? Yeah, so did I.” Virgil said, glaring at nothing, though the mortal shrunk back just a little more - probably because of his tone. 

Roman took a deep breath and nodded. “Of course, we need to… find out who did this-”

“A noble of the winter court,” Virgil answered, voice coming out a near hiss, “I recognise her mark.”

“Don’t send me back there,” The mortal spoke up, before slapping a hand over his mouth when both faeries turned to look at him, “Please.”

“No,” Roman shook his head, “I don’t think we will, right, Vee?”

“No, we won’t send you back there,” Virgil agreed, “whatever cruelty you have experienced under her will not follow you here.”

Roman hesitated, before tugging on Virgil’s sleeve to get his attention, before whispering, “You know we’ll be killed if she finds out we have him here, right?”

“You think I don’t know that?” Virgil sighed, “Buh… knowing that she had him- I can’t send him away knowing that.”

“Okay,” Roman nodded, “then we need to figure out what to do.”

“Of course,” Virgil said, looking back at the mortal, “Hey uh- is it okay with you if we ask a few questions?”

The mortal stared at him and Virgil could feel his fear strengthen the longer they looked at each other, eventually he concluded that he wasn’t going to respond. 

“Do you… not want to talk to me?” Virgil asked, frowning, the human nodded slowly, “Is it because… I’m winter?”

He stared at Virgil for a long moment, before whispering, “You- feel like she did…”

“Okay, yes, probably because I’m winter, then,” Virgil mumbled, “Would you rather talk to Ro?”

Virgil gestured to their partner who waved with a smile.

“Okay,” The mortal said eventually.

“Would you like me to leave?” Virgil asked.

“Please?” the mortal responded, Virgil nodded. He patted Roman’s arm before turning and leaving the room without another world.

—

“Okay,” ‘Ro’ said as soon as the other one left the room. All Janus’ attention was suddenly on the faerie in front of him. He was tall, with golden skin and hair like a bright bonfire. His eyes were like pools of liquid silver - not even mentioning the tawny wings on his back, similarly coloured feathers in place of ears too. He was… beautiful, and had a very different presence than the other faerie he was with, and… her. 

Janus tried to take a few breaths, he needed to answer the faerie’s questions if he wanted to get through this alive - and he had to answer them correctly if he wanted to get out of this without being hurt. 

“First,” He said, “Are you a uh- I don’t know mortal gender terms-?”

“A man,” Janus answered the question he was pretty sure Ro was asking, before continuing when the faerie tilted his head, blinking in confusion, “um, I use ‘he/him’ pronouns?”

“Wonderful, that’s what we assumed,” Ro nodded, Janus relaxed just a little, okay, that was the right answer then, “Now, do you have something you’d like to go by? Something we can call you?”

Janus tensed, he knew the question would come up, but that didn’t mean he liked it any more. Giving his name to a faerie was a mistake he’d made once, and he knew that as soon as he did it was all over. Ro would be able to control him, it would be just like before all over again. Of course, that was why they hadn’t hurt him yet - it all made sense, how nice they had been, they needed his name to use him. 

He must have hesitated for too long, though, because Ro frowned, “Just a nickname, sweetheart, I’m not asking for your true name.”

“You’re… not?” Janus asked hesitantly, he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask questions in return, but… he needed to know.

“I’m not,” Ro nodded, folding down to sit cross-legged on the plush carpet across the room from him, “Your true name is to be freely given to those you trust, and I know you don’t trust me yet.”

Janus didn’t say anything to that for a moment, he didn’t acknowledge that second statement at all, though he was sure Ro knew it was true, “...Deceit - you can call me, Deceit, or Dee if you want.”

“Okay Deceit,” Ro said, smiling, and oh how charming was that, “You can call me Ro, or Prince, my partner is Vee, or Anxiety, if you prefer a more formal nickname.”

Janus nodded, Prince and Anxiety, he could remember that. 

“Next question, how… old are you?” Prince asked, “No- that’s a useless question the numbers mortals use mean nothing to me, um, are you of maturity?”

“What uh- what do you mean?” Janus asked, frowning in confusion.

Prince sighed, “Are you - an adult? Or a youngling?”

“Oh,” Janus said, “An adult, I um - when I was - taken - I was 24 but… I don’t know how long it’s been.”

“That’s okay.” Prince nodded, “And good to know, next question, what’s your favourite colour?”

…Out of all the questions Prince had asked him so far, this was the one that surprised him the most. Why on earth would the faeries want to know what colours he enjoyed? Surely that information was useless?

“Yellow,” Deceit answered truthfully - he had learned quickly that lying to a faerie was one of the biggest mistakes a mortal could make, “And, um, I like black too.”

“Brillant,” Prince grinned, revealing teeth slightly sharper than average, “I’m partial to a nice red, myself, preferably crimson but I do like a lovely scarlette as well - Anxiety tends to be more drawn to purples, what’s your favourite animal?”

“...snakes?” Janus said slowly, his favourite animal was something he’d never particularly had to think about - especially not recently. 

Prince nodded, seeming… thoughtful. About what, Janus had no clue, but he seemed to be lost in whatever thoughts he was having. Eventually, he went to say something else before cutting himself off with a displeased hum and a frown. 

“Is everything… okay?” Janus asked, trying to work out what was going on. Prince had been all smiles almost the entire time since Anxiety had left, the abrupt change had his guard straight back up. 

Prince took a deep breath, the wings on his back shuddering and stretching out a little with it, Janus couldn’t help the way the feathers caught his eye - they looked incredibly soft. 

“She probably gave you faerie food, right?” Prince asked, Janus paled as hazy memories flooded his mind, a hunger that turned to sharp pain that turned to a hollow emptiness that had almost killed him. Right at the beginning before he lost whatever fight he had then he’d resisted, getting up after every kick or burn, She’d punish him every time he refused to eat, and eventually - when he’d been too weak from hunger and pain to even move - he’d given in and taken the apple she’d offered him. 

He still remembered how she had laughed when he’d bitten into it. He could almost hear it now, crisp as footsteps in snow but crackling like lightning. 

Janus couldn’t say anything around the lump in his throat those memories brought with them, instead he simply nodded sadly. Prince frowned in sympathy, his hand twitching as though he wanted to reach for Janus, though he didn’t move closer. 

“And you know what that means?”

Sucking in a deep breath, Janus recited what had been drilled into him a thousand times, “That I cannot leave this realm, I can never return home and that I belong now to the fae and the faerie realm.”

Prince sighed again, seeming sad, “You can leave.”

“What?” Janus asked, eyes wide.

“Theoretically, you’re not actually bound to this land, but… all it means is that mortal food won’t satisfy you anymore. You don’t have to stay here, but you do need faerie food, so… it’s an effective way to keep mortal trapped.”

Janus couldn’t do much but nod. He never knew that, but if he couldn’t survive without food from Faerie was there really point in escaping anyway?

“Was there anything in particular you liked?” Prince asked sadly, as if he actually cared that Janus was stuck here, which Janus couldn’t fathom being true, he knew faeries couldn’t lie, but he was sure they could fake emotions. Panic seeped in as he realised he didnt have an answer. The food she gave him was good, but he always felt dirty eating it, it always made him guilty and sick. He was never able to really enjoy any of it. 

“I don’t…” Janus started, trailing off, “I don’t know… I was never allowed to…”

Prince raised a hand to cut him off and Janus shrank back into the corner just a little, pulling his knees up closer to his chest, Prince sighed, “It’s okay, we can try things and figure it out, are you alright?”

Janus nodded, trying to relax just a little in his corner. 

“I will warn you now, neither I nor my partner know much about mortals, but we will- actually,” Prince paused, considering for a second, “Do you know about promises?”

“Fae promises?” Janus asked, Prince nodded, “Just that they’re binding- like deals- she tried to make me make them.”

“Did you?”

“No,” Janus said. Prince seemed to fully droop in relief. 

“I want to make a promise to you,” Prince said, slowly, clearly watching for Janus’ reaction, he just stayed still, staring right back, “I promise that I will not intentionally cause you harm, physically or emotionally, in any way. I promise to protect you to the best of my ability against anything or anyone who threatens you, and- I swear that you will be safe here, in my home, for as long as you wish to remain.”

Janus gasped as the feeling of magic washed over him, though it felt nothing like the magic he’d experienced before. This magic felt like a summer shower, warm and light. It wrapped around him, feeling almost comforting in it’s presence. When the sensation died down Janus thought he could smell woodsmoke. 

“How do you know I’m worth such a promise?” Janus asked quietly, unable to keep the astounded look off of his face. Roman had promised not to hurt him, and he knew how promises worked, did that mean he was safe? From Roman, at least, Anxiety hadn’t made such a promise. 

“Because you have been hurt,” Roman said, “By one of my own kind, you have suffered and you are scared and you deserve to be safe,  you should be allowed to heal, besides, you are a guest in my house, it would be horrifically rude if I let something bad happen to you.”

Roman’s wings flared out as he spoke, as though him being rude is the worst possible offence he could commit. Janus couldn’t help but smile, wondering if maybe this wasn’t going to end quite as horribly as he may have expected. Roman stood up, slowly taking a step closer to Janus, and when he didn’t flinch back he took another. Janus frowned when Roman extended a hand to him, but eventually reached up and took it, telling himself again that Prince had promised not to hurt him. 

With a gentle tug Janus was hoisted to his feet, though almost immediately he tripped - his legs still jelly-like and shaking from all the running. Instead of falling to the ground, though, Janus tripped forward into Roman’s chest. He yelped and pushed himself away as quickly as he could without falling straight to the ground. Prince was still holding his hand - and now was also stabalising him with a hand on his shoulder - and even despite what had just happened, the faerie was still smiling. He actually looked a little like he was trying not to laugh. 

“Lets get you somewhere you can rest, shall we?” Prince said, still actively trying not to chuckle as Janus frowned at him, “And we’ll get you some food while you do.”

“Okay,” Janus nodded eventually, feeling a yawn bubble up inside of him and repressing it as much as he could. He had become a master of hiding when he was tired, fatigue was never taken kindly. But Prince was telling him to rest, so maybe he could lie down for a short while…

The small part of the house Janus got to see as they travelled from the bedroom he had woken in to a second bedroom was immense. The ceilings were tall and vaulted, decorated with patterns and murals that looked hand-painted. The windows that adorned the hallway were open wide, letting in a cool, refreshing breeze scented with summer flowers while deep, floor length, maroon curtains swayed in the wind. The decor was a mix of reds and purples, with accents of silver and gold. Despite the size of the space, it almost felt… cozy. The carpet beneath their feet was clean but well trod, like this area of the house was frequented often. 

In comparison, the room he was led to was plain and felt spacious in a way that made Janus feel a little uncomfortable. Paranoia poking at the edges of his mind as he glanced around. There were a few doors, one that he could see lead to a balcony and the other that they’d come through, as well as two more that lead who knows where.

The room was decorated to the bare minimum, a plain white bedspread with a few decorative red cushions. The walls were still adorned with silver and gold, but the patterns seemed more simple and muted in here than they were outside. Prince lead him to the bed - where he found the sheets were wonderfully soft and felt lovely against his skin - and told him to rest. 

So rest he did, once Prince had left the room and the door clicked shut - he listened for a long moment and was surprised to hear no lock, he really wasn’t trapped here - Janus finally laid down, clutching one of the decorative pillows to his chest as he tried to fall back to sleep. 

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General tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @reptilianrapscallion420 @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

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[heyclickadee]

Tech's Alive, Part Four: Placement and Structural Purpose (okay, so this is waaaaaay more rambly and nonsensical than I thought it would be, but, here ya go)

So, the placement of Tech's fall in “Plan 99”is...weird. It happens around 6:30 into the episode, and given that the logos and title card take about forty seconds to get through, that means it happens less than six minutes into the action. And it would be one thing if the rest of the episode was dedicated to the other characters processing their grief or dealing with the aftermath, sort of like if Kanan had died in the first few minutes of "Dume" instead of the last few of "Jedi Knight" and then the rest of "Dume" proceeded exactly the same, but that's so completely not what happens.

Do we get small moments of everyone grieving? Sure, we get those shots of Wrecker looking broken(1) and wiping away tears, Hunter's face when he tells Omega the news and again when he picks up the goggles, Omega's disbelief, and Echo sitting by himself in the marauder looking at that empty pilot's seat(2), but these are all just snapshots. The episode acknowledges their grief, but doesn't allow them to process it, because "Plan 99" is packed and they don't have time. Not thirty seconds after Tech falls, the train crashes, Omega almost dies, the gang goes back to Ord Mantell, Omega's thankfully okay, Hunter and Wrecker , Cid rats them out, Hemlock shows up, Omega gets captured, the marauder's practically empty now and Hunter's out for blood, Omega's reuinited with Crosshair, who's still unconscious on a slab, Emerie's Omega's "sister," cats and dogs are living together, mass hysteria—

It's. A lot.

And that's, again, weird. That's not typically how main (or main secondary, I sort of consider the bad batchers all mains) character deaths in genre fiction work.

See, typically, unless the whole story is about the mystery of why a character may have died, a main character deaths happen towards the end of an episode or chapter, and they usually function as either a conclusion or emotional climax to whatever story they're in. Take, for example, Fives's death. Fives dies at the conclusion of a multi-episode narrative arc, and his death functions as both the conclusion and emotional climax of that arc. Or Thorin’s death towards the end of The Hobbit. Or Richardson's implied imminent death at the end of "Underbridge." Main character deaths are exclamation points, or full stops at the very least, before things continue.

Tech's “death” doesn't work like that.

Despite following up on some ealier foreshadowing leading up to the team having to adapt to things without Tech, and despite following up on the repeated thread of Tech loving his family so much he'll sacrifice himself for them at the drop of a hat(3), Tech's “death” concludes nothing. Not in the episode, and certainly not in the overarching story. Far from being a natural ending to either his own character arc or a larger narrative thread, Tech falling figuratively and literally throws everything off the rails. The whole thing the narrative was driving towards—the reunion of the clone force 99 family and these clones being able to choose a purpose besides the “fighting and dying and being lab experiments” they were manufactured with—breaks down. It happens early and then the episode keeps driving and just doesn't stop.

In fact, not only is Tech's fall NOT the only dramatic thing to happen in the episode, it's not even the emotional climax of the episode. Omega getting taken by Hemlock is. Even the soundtrack suggests this. The theme which plays during Tech's sacrifice is the same theme that plays when Omega is taken, and that theme has even more tension and drama in it when played that second time. Her getting taken, and that moment of Hunter running out to the edge of the platform only to have to helplessly watch as Hemlock's ship looms out of reach and take his daughter away—that's the emotional climax(4).

Furthermore, Tech's "death" isn't a rallying cry for the team to rally and get revenge like main character deaths in genre fiction typically are. Instead, it's one loss too many. It's the thing that makes Hunter and Wrecker want to take Omega back to Pabu and just never leave again, because they can't take risking anything else like losing Tech. It's the thing that makes them want to throw in the towel for good.  

So, if Tech, who's one of the six main characters of this series and was more or less the lead along with Omega this season, had a death scene, and his death scene doesn't serve as a conclusion to either his or any other arc, if it isn't the emotional climax of the episode, and if it isn't a rallying cry the team can get behind, then what purpose does it serve in the structure of the episode? To be completely honest, the closest thing that I could come up with is that it's either the catalyst or the inciting incident, because Tech falling is the thing that makes everything else in the episode happen.

At the start of the episode, the train car is stalled and without power. Tech restores power to the car, but it’s being pulled away from the track and still can’t move. Tech cutting the connection and allowing himself to fall is what allows the train to start moving again—but it's moving too fast. It derails and crashes through the barrier on the other side. And the train crashing is how Omega gets hurt, Omega getting hurt is what necessitates them having to go back to Ord Mantell, going back to Ord Mantell is what allows Cid to rat them out, Cid ratting them out is what gets Hemlock to show up and take Wrecker and Hunter prisoner, Wrecker and Hunter being taken prisoner (and Omega being griefstricken about losing Tech) is what causes Omega to disobey orders and go back for Wrecker and Hunter instead of leaving with Echo, which is what leads to Omega getting captured, which leaves Hunter, Wrecker, and Echo doubly bereft by the end of the episode. What I'm saying is, the train is an intentional stand-in for the narrative here, and Tech falling is what allows it to move forward, but in such a way that everything it was building towards is completely broken derailed.

And, again, this is weird, especially if this is supposed to be a genuine character death, because it’s not about the death—it’s about what Tech letting himself fall puts into motion. And so little of the focus of the episode is on the “death” itself, because there's so little time in the episode, and what little there is is less on Tech dying (because sure as hell don’t see it happen) and more on the other characters grieving or being manipulated by it in the very little time that they're allowed because, again, things are moving too fast and they're not allowed to really stop and process anything.

Now, there is actually a main character death in The Clone Wars that works pretty much the same way, and which is actually similarly placed towards the beginning of an episode, and that's the "death" of Obi Wan Kenobi in "Deception." Granted, we know that Obi Wan's fine, because it's Obi Wan and he has to show up in A New Hope or at least Revenge of the Sith (though it's possible some of the kids who had never seen either movie didn't know that), and even if we didn't know that, we find out it's a fake out almost right away because we continue following Obi Wan's perspective in a way we don't continue to follow Tech's. Tech falls into the mist and then we're back with Omega and the rest on the train and hurtling towards a broken future. But Obi Wan's fake death does function in a similar sort of "get things moving/flips the domino to get other things happening" sort of way.

Now all this, despite the closest structural parallel I could find in star wars being a fake-out death, isn't proof that Tech falling is a fake out. But it is worth noting that the supposed "death" here isn't placed like a normal main character death and doesn't serve anything close to the same purpose a main character death typically does. And that is probably why, as @cross-my-heartt pointed out in this excellent post, it doesn't really read as a character death to anyone who isn't either heavily invested in the story or the character (hello there) or who isn't an edgelordy dudebro who thinks it has to stick so that there are "stakes" (get off my lawn). And while I don't think The Bad Batch is a perfectly written show, I do think that it is very well written overall, and written thoughtfully and deliberately, at the least. What's happening here is very much on purpose. It’s just a question of what that purpose is.

(1) Jennifer, ma’am, I don't know what I have to do to make sure I never have to see Wrecker's face crumpled in despair like that ever again, but I'll do it. Let him be happy.

(2) *sobbing*

(3) I have so much to say about the foreshadowing and how it points to Tech’s absence and selflessness but absolutely not to his death I am gnawing on the foreshadowing here

(4) And this might have to be one point where I have to admit that the writers did err, just a little. Not necessarily in the writing, pacing, or in the placement of Tech's fall, because if this really is a fakeout, then all of that was brilliantly done. The episode doesn’t feel rushed to me the second time around, because I know what happens and I can breath. Less so the third. But I think they may have slightly underestimated just how attached some of us are to this particular character. I mean...okay, I get the impression that the people working on this show love every one of these characters as much as we do. I really do. Are they going to put these characters through hell? Well, yeah, because otherwise we wouldn't have a story, but I get the genuine impression that they really love these characters. But working with characters in a story is about three-quarters knowing and loving (or hating) the characters and having them bounce around and do their thing as though they are real people who live somewhere outside of your head, and one-quarter having to maintain enough of a level head about them that you can use them as tools to tell your story. And that last quarter can add a little bit of...not emotional distance, but something like emotional distance, especially if you, the writer, know that the character is going to be okay in the end no matter what it is you're putting them through in the moment. You, as a storyteller, have an assurance that your audience doesn't. Because when I saw Tech fall the first time, my whole heart shut off and I couldn’t access my emotions for about three days. It wasn’t until I watched it the second time that I realized that it wasn’t the emotional climax of the episode.

[bossbutch]

umineko chapter 4 (2/2)

the fantasy action sequences have gotten significantly more tolerable because they've gotten significantly funnier. also i've gotten ahead of bryn's more detailed readalong!

the scene where Krauss is fighting a goat man and virgilia is comparing their Numerical Power Levels but there's all these arbitrary multipliers ( and goat's power level goes way down when he talks about his family and being a week away from retirement etc etc) is mwah chef's kiss

the Reveal of kasumi reading the definition of uu-uu in the grimoire is my favorite moment so far. god damn. eva-beatrice being all star wars emperor "let the hate flow through you" was also pretty funny.

so battler isn't asumu's son! and he learns this through his own red truth? which i think removes "perspective" from the red truth, right? because from his point of view he's her son, just like from beato's point of view shannon is nonhuman. whether he's kyrie's kid or there's a *third* wife i'm not sure. it'd be fucked up if it's a/nother beato.

so we end with a big blue vs red sequence where battler says what he thinks has happened, which lambda says is mostly wrong but is a good "check your theories" speed bump.

game 1: • stake deaths being shot and then staked after death seems guaranteed • yeah, no magic for The First Set of Murders • Eva and hideyoshi: killed by kanon, door locked through Device X. when 'he' "discovered" the bodies he had ample time to draw the circle • kanon faked 'his' death, so beato can't say in red it was homicide. then he killed the last 3 and natsuhi. beato says "i guarantee the identity of all unidentified corpses" but if he Wasn't a corpse that wouldn't apply. game 2: • "from the time maria received the key to when rosa unsealed it the next day it passed through no one's hands" = rosa took the key before we saw her taking it? though idk if she actually Killed the first six she was definitely involved • if kanon is A Beatrice then 'him' fighting her goons over jessica can metaphorically be kanon having trouble deciding whether to kill her or not. occam's razor says if there's no body and A Violent Kanon shows up later then fake kanon was real kanon game 3: • the only mystery i think Matters is who killed nanjo. he recognized the killer and begged for his life, maybe he knew what their plan was? but i don't know who did it. beato seems to imply that the killer took the identity of a dead person (other than kinzo, kanon, jessica, battler, or eva). • i guess "how did george leave the guest house" is worth solving but i haven't thought about it much game 4: • "all those present at the family conference acknowledge the presence of kinzo" yeah it's his house. his body is there. he's still metaphorically present and genji and shannon? and associates are carrying out his wishes if shannon and kanon aren't "real humans" it provides space for two Persons X but is also means the cousins can fall in love and make and break promises to objects/ideals/whatever. battler's direct narrative describes kanon as "a slender boy" who can manipulate a wheelbarrow so if kanon isn't present as a person (and not part of an existing member of the 18 or nothing) i'm calling bullshit battler's sin that beato wants an apology for was breaking his promise to come back for shannon. is episode 2 Suit Beato derived from shannon? every beato is derived from trauma, so her breaking the mirror is a metaphor for Some Other Traumatic Event magic metaphors: "beato prime", who was captured and abused by kanon and is almost certainly dead, had a child with him, beato 2. one of the two of them imagine magic genji (ronovo), magic kumasawa (virilia if she isn't beato 1) and gaap, for the same reason maria made sakutaro, To Cope. and the seven sisters and the bunnies are personified weapons. but what are lambda and bernie representing? they might just represent their goals ("battler denies beato/ finding the emotional truth" and "battler tries but is never successful because he lacks love" ) and either way beato doesn't get closure. i think beato will "win" but her real goal is not to kill everybody and take them to heaven but rather to get some catharsis from battler for what his family has done to her/ all the beatos. alternatively the other witches exist for no reason other than adding yuri

[minty-trash]

I absolutely agree, Gonta’s character deserves much more respect than he receives. I'm tired of people who underestimate Gonta's intelligence and infantilize him simply to prop up a narrative that villainizes Kokichi. He is multifaceted and by refusing to acknowledge this they harm not only Gonta’s character, but also perpetuate and reinforce harmful ableist rhetoric and imply that unconventional forms of intelligence are irrelevant.

No, Gonta may not be conventionally considered “smart” in the academic sense, but that doesn’t mean he is stupid. There are many forms of intelligence. His comes from his deep-rooted connection with nature, his emotional intuition, and his genuine kindness.  When people ignore that depth, they do a disservice not just to Gonta, but to anyone who doesn’t conform to rigid, ableist standards of what it means to be “intelligent.”

This ties directly into how Kokichi is treated. Many who underestimate Gonta's intelligence argue Kokichi as being a terrible person because he "tricked" Gonta multiple times. But how can you manipulate someone into doing something they are already willing to do? Kokichi didn't "trick" Gonta, he never did. That was a lie, and the fandom fell for it. Gonta knows the purpose of the insect meet and greet was to exchange motive videos - he knew that even before the event itself. He was mad, not because Kokichi lied about the purpose of the event, he was mad because Kokichi lied about liking bugs. Mind you, both Kaede and Shuichi are explicitly shown to do the same thing. The truth is, Gonta wasn’t manipulated into anything; he made his own decisions, and to imply otherwise is to strip him of his agency and insult his character.

Then there’s the whole “but chapter 4” argument and again, there wasn't any manipulation involved. Gonta was willing to commit the mercy killing the moment he saw that motive. Kokichi didn’t push Gonta into the mindset that dying would be better than knowing the truth, he was already there. He says so himself. By blaming Kokichi for manipulating Gonta, fans are not only falling for Kokichi’s own lies but also undermining Gonta’s ability to make difficult decisions for himself. This dynamic is more complex than it seems, and to reduce it to “Kokichi bad, Gonta innocent” oversimplifies both characters and does a disservice to Kodaka’s writing.

Kokichi’s entire narrative is designed to be misunderstood—his mask never drops, and that’s intentional. He is villainized by the narration to obfuscate his intentions. We’re not supposed to see into his world, because his motivations in Chapter 5 hinge on the player being confused. Is he the mastermind? Is this some elaborate ruse? By design, Kokichi is hard to pin down, and that’s why he remains such a divisive character. Yet people praise characters like Nagito, who, despite committing arguably worse acts, invites the player into his mind and explains his worldview. They are very clearly framed differently, Kokichi being obscured while Nagito is laid bare. While both are incredibly complex characters, many times Kokichi is ignored as just being evil.

But it’s not just about Kokichi. The way fans infantilize Gonta is part of a broader problem. It’s indicative of systemic ableism and a symptom of a societal lack of media literacy. Neurodivergent people are often talked down to or underestimated. These ableist interpretations of his character undermine not only him but real people who face similar misconceptions every day. People with disabilities or neurodivergent traits deserve respect, not patronization. Gonta is treated as though he can do no wrong simply because he’s perceived as innocent, but this reduces his character to one dimension. He is fully capable of making complex, morally difficult decisions, as seen in Chapter 4. Treating him otherwise is not only lazy, but harmful.

I can't stop anyone from forming their own opinions about Kokichi, Gonta, or any other fictional character, but please consider their motives and thoughts more deeply than an initial reading of the text allows. It's perfectly valid to find Kokichi annoying, but hating him because he's "evil" isn't, especially when so many people love characters like Nagito and Junko who’ve done much worse. You can dislike any character, whether it's Kokichi, Gonta, or anyone else—just make sure it's based on who they actually are, not a misunderstanding.

These characters deserve respectful, nuanced conversations about them. Any character, actually, from any media. This isn't a problem that starts and stops with V3, it's a societal problem that stems to any and all media that people consume uncritically. These misinterpretations don’t just flatten characters - they reflect a larger societal issue of how we approach intelligence, morality, and neurodivergence in media.

I'm sorry for derailing a discussion about Gonta to touch on Kokichi, but the fandom misinterpretation of their characters go hand in hand, since many Gonta fans will infantilize him as an excuse to hate Kokichi. It's hard to discuss one but not the other. Thank you for reading my ramblings :3

-inhales-

GONTA IS NOOOOT A GULLIBLE IDIOOOOOOT!! HE IS AN INTELLIGENT YOUNG MAAAAAN!!! A YOUNG ADULT WHO IS AUTISTIC CODED WHO GOT HORNY WHEN HE SAW MIU IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!! NOT A CHIIIIIIIILD!!!

I will SCREAM this into the void until people stop being weird about Gonta!!!!!! I am no longer asking!!!

Anyway some more links

Gonta was NOT manipulated into the Insect Meet and Greet this is just a blatant lie you fell for

Gonta is a victim of many ableist micro aggressions from his classmates

Gonta is proven to be a young adult by Kirumi Toujou

I am NO LONGER ASKING for people to stop with their ableist interpretations I am no longer asking!!!

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

[paroleswerespoken]

Beyond redemption

Sorry for my scrambled thoughts 

So, Yashiro got raped by Inami in between the time skip after he had already made love with Doumeki, I think that happening is a crucial turning point for Yashiro’s character development. It is implied at the moment that Yashiro is “impotent” because he can’t get aroused by having rough or casual sex. Yashiro being raped after everything that happened with Doumeki made him hit a low point in his life, he even said he thought of himself as someone who was beyond redemption. Yashiro has always had this inner conflict (a lot of us might relate to when we indulge in something we shouldn’t and then regret it immediately after) he’s conflicted by the fact that despite being raped by men he can’t help but be attracted to them. On top of everything he doesn't hold himself to a high esteem (hence his self-destructive tendencies.) But at least we know Yashiro thought of changing, although what Yashiro needs more than anything is to receive professional help. In chapter 8, when Yashiro was shot, he says “I’ve come to know the loneliness of loving someone, and the despair of that person being a man.” that line gives us an insight on his inner troubles. That could’ve meant that he knew that by Kageyama being a man that they would never be together or as I interpret it based on my understaing of the story, it was more like “I feel in love with someone who’s not going to love me back, and on top of that that person is a man.” There’s also a time when he mentions to Doumeki that before he even knew what being attracted to someone was, he was raped by his step dad after Doumeki asked him when was the time he started to like guys. To me Yashiro’s feels guilty to a certain extent and maybe even blames himself, of course that is all thanks to the trauma he went through of having someone constantly tell you “This is what you want” “you enjoy this” “I’m doing this because you let me” etc. I must note in chapter 4 when Yashiro had Doumeki dressed in the cop outfit Doumeki makes a remark that upsets Yashiro, he says “It’s not rape if the victim wants it.” To hear that from Doumeki must have been disappointing for him. I mean Yashiro was only a kid when all that happened and as a survival mode, he learned to agree to whatever that man asked and maybe subconsciously he started to believe that. In the present you can view Yashiro’s ways as a coping mechanism but I see it more as self-destruction, he has been on the verge of death multiple times and has stated that he wouldn’t mind if he died right there on those occasions. So, the way Yashiro goes about sex is more of a consequence of the guilt he feels and his inner conflict of “If I was rape by a man why do I like men?” Having sex with Doumeki was kind of like a sexual awakening for Yashiro, he realized that there was more to sex then what he knew. So now in the present we have a Yashiro who can’t get aroused, still blaming himself and believes that in some way the universe in punishing him.  From my point of view Yashiro never sees himself as a victim, to me that seems more like a coping mechanism, the fact that we have never seen Yashiro show any great resentment towards anyone and is able to co-exist with those who have harmed him without wishing them or doing them any wrong is proof that he sees himself as the problem instead of acknowledging that he was abused or holding those who abused him accountable.  In the end I wouldn’t say Yashiro is impotent, if we compare him to Doumeki who wasn’t even able to get aroused by someone who he was clearly attracted to, (Though his trauma was also an important factor) to Yashiro’s who like I said kind of had a sexual awakening with Doumeki, if you were to compare them, I wouldn't exactly say Yashiro is impotent. I think is more so an effect of his realization that he could enjoy sex without it being violent or sacrificing his body to such acts, and that is a great deal to his character development. Although Doumeki believes that there has been no change in Yashiro after four years, I think he will be in for a treat once he discovers everything that has gone down and I can’t wait.

[cafeinthemoon]

The Home I Crave - Chapter XV

Chapter: 15/?

Wordcount: 2900

Title: Hand Signs

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing: Tobirama Senju X reader

Previous chapters

1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10 . 11 . 12 . 13 . 14

Symbols: ⭕ . ➕ . 💛

Warning (s): none

N. A.: Yeah I think I owe you apologies for taking this long to post this chapter, but here it is, finally! I was feeling so upset and guilty for not writing as much as before, but it's simply because I haven't had time to sit down and work on my stories. These days have been rough 😣

You didn’t remember well how things happened after the man left your door. You only remembered seeing Tobirama turning to you and saying something, trying to raise his voice above the storm’s sounds, but it wouldn’t let you understand the exact words. You probably stood up and took the first clothes you could find, but you weren’t sure how; even less passable of an explanation was how your husband could find time to put his full armor before you two left the room, all your package except for the weapons being abandoned there as well as your hopes of having at least one pacific night before going back on your journey.

Somehow you reached the first floor, from where the people of the tea house were trying to leave as fast a possible. The ninjas you saw when you arrived at the place came to speak to you. They were in three.

You two turned to them and the one who seemed to be the leader of the group introduced himself:

- I am Yuuta from the Land of Wind– and turning aside to indicate his partners – These are my brothers, Yuji and Yoko. We understand that you two are shinobi like us. We’ve heard about the ditch and thought we could work together to help the people who live here.

There was no time to think about the strangeness of the situation or to have suspicions about the group. You felt a sort of regret for the bad impression you had of them at first, because they seemed to be honest people now that you paid close attention to them.

Apparently Tobirama had the same opinion, judging by his response when he spoke for you two.

- We are shinobi from the Leaf Village. I am Tobirama Senju and this is my wife, Y/n from the … clan. We are going to the village near this tea house to help the people there.

- I am used to work in rescuing missions and it would be of great help if some of you came with me – you completed.

Yoko, who was the only woman among them and seemed to be the youngest sibling, replied that she had experience in rescues too. You and the three ninjas had a quick conversation and it was decided that Yuuta and Yuji were going to help the people of the inn while you and Yoko were going to the village. However, when Yuuta asked Tobirama to stay at the inn with him and his brother, the Senju refused.

But it was the explanation given by him for such refusal that left everyone stunned.

- I will be more useful if I’d go with the women because I have a plan to stop the flood. However,I need to see the territory to make sure it will work.

The entire group stared at him in silence, but none of them dared laugh at him or question his attitude: it was clear that Tobirama was not joking, neither he was the type who needs to justify himself to others, even more if he just met them. That was not a man one wouldn’t take seriously. You yourself were caught in surprise, but you had the same reasons as the others to keep quiet as well.

In the end, Yuuta and the others nodded and the group was divided and you three were running toward the small village that was said to be near the tea house.

***

Now that you had some time to pay attention to your thoughts, you were running without talking, trying to process everything that was said during the conversation with the three shinobi of the Wind. So, Tobirama had a plan to help the villagers – perhaps a plan that started to take form when you were still in the inn’s room and your husband was talking to the man at your door – but whatever he wanted to do, it sounded absurd even to his standards. You started to think if all the Senju people were like him or if he was the one who differed from the rest of the clan.

Above these valid questions, an intrusive thought that you’ve been trying to suppress just took over your mind: you couldn’t forget the involuntary way in which you turned your head away from the group when you heard him introduce you as his wife. If that situation happened just a few days before you’d surely be irritated: he haven’t done anything that served as a proof that he acknowledged you as his spouse, so why would he call you his wife in front of those strangers? Well, after the things you’ve been through in that journey, it didn’t seem appropriate for you to just get angry. The truth was that you didn’t know how to feel about it.

If things stopped at this, you would be okay. Problem was that it didn’t: soon, you were remembering the dream you had just before the knocks on your door woke you up. The strangest part of it was that you weren’t sure of when exactly you fell asleep – was it before or after the… kiss? You firmly believed it was before. Just the diligent manner in which he left your side on the bed to answer the door showed that the kiss was not real. It couldn’t be.

But it felt so real. Almost as if you’ve been wanting it for days. Thinking of this made your face warm up despite the cold drops of rain falling on it.

Yoko’s voice brought you back to the present moment, among the sound of the raindrops on the trees above and the soaked soil swallowing your feet.

- Y/n-san, do you know this village? – she was asking – Any information about its geography can be useful for us to form a rescue plan!

You took a second to understand what she was saying under that storm, but once you did you tried as best as you could to explain that you’ve never been at the village.

- I’ve been in that tea house before, but I’ve never visited the village itself! I don’t know what we’re going to find there!

- So what now? – there was preoccupation implied in her tone.

- Supposing that the village’s territory is similar to the inn’s, with a flat ground and enough open space, things can be a bit easier – you knew it was a shot in the dark, but you wanted to avoid causing desperation in your new partner – It means that its people have a good chance to escape just by running. I’m a Doton user. I can stay behind and build barriers to delay the flood while you lead the way for them!

Fortunately for you, Yoko agreed with your suggestion.

- Right!

However, that was not the end of the conversation or your worries. The girl didn’t forget that Tobirama took a difficult – almost impossible –task for himself that would separate him from the rest of you, and decided to question him about it.

- And what about you, Tobirama-san? – she spoke to the man who was slightly ahead of you – What exactly are you going to do?

Tobirama replied your question as if the answer was something obvious.

- I am going to check the flood’s path and think of a way to stop it.

You opened your mouth and the storm drops that entered it almost made you gag.

- Listen, I know you are a master of Suiton, but I think that’s a bit extreme!

That time he looked at you while speaking.

- I do not plan to use mere Water Style to solve this, y/n-san. I will explain when we get there!

***

The village, just as the inn’s owner informed you, was so close to the tea house that you reached it in less than two minutes.

It was smaller than you imagined, though. It was formed by one large, main street that had its lines defined by groups of small, modest houses on both sides. These houses had their doors and windows all open, and the villagers were reunited outside them.You didn’t need to look for too long to see terror in their eyes. An old man was holding his cane so tight that his fingers were becoming pale; no so far from him, a woman was trying to calm down a child crying and asking what why was everybody so scared. Others were trying to run with packs on their backs, trying to reach the grove’s path. Among all those people there were some animals, faster than their owners in leaving the place to hide among the trees.

Tobirama, you and Yoko looked at each other but didn’t say anything. You just walked ahead and when the people noticed your presence, they opened the way for you without questioning your reasons to come. You knew what this reaction meant: it only showed how rare was for them to see shinobi in their territory.

Before any of you could ask who was in charge there, a man ran toward you, screaming:

- Who sent you three? The village is doomed! Soon this place is going to be under water!

You asked if anyone was missing.

- No, we are all here – the man replied – Except for Toji, who ran to the inn to alert the people there.

You were thinking of what to say in response when Tobirama took a step toward him and spoke in his commanding voice:

- We are shinobi from Konoha and we’re here to stop the flood! – and elevating his voice for the others to hear – All of you! My partners, y/n-san and Yoko-san, will guide you through the grove! Our other friends will meet your group in the middle of the way and help you! Do as they say and everyone will be safe!

You didn’t know it was possible for someone to obtain such power of influence on people they didn’t even know in so little time until you saw the people’s reaction to your husband’s words. Once they heard his voice, they gathered around him, their desperation soon replaced by a serious attention; they stopped pushing and stumbling on each other he gave his instructions. Their eyes turned to you then, and you did your best to calm them down: as your experiences in rescuing missions told you, that was the crucial moment when you had to make sure the victims would trust your leadership.

- Prioritize the women, the children and the elderly! Those ones who can carry children, do it! Do not take unnecessary weight with you! Follow the same direction and do not push each other! Yoko-san will go ahead of you, and I will be right behind you!

You pointed the grove’s path and felt relieved when you saw the people obeying your command. With words like “Do not look back” to the people, you went to the end of the line and saw Tobirama going to the end of the street, now empty. Instead of staying with the last people of the group, you followed him. You needed to ask what exactly he was going to do, because yes, you already knew he had an established plan, but you would feel safer if he shared its entirety with you.

Before you could say something, he turned and asked you:

- Y/n-san, do you have any Doton technique that is able to open a large crack or a ditch in the soil, one that could divide this ground from side to side?

You swallowed your surprise for receiving this very specific question and said that yes, you knew such technique. As well as its level of danger.

- Of course. But this is not a simple technique. It requires great quantity of chakra and might not work well if you’re not familiar with it. The ditch could end up not being deep or large enough.

Your reasons apparently were not enough to scare the Senju, however.

- Do not worry about it. This is exactly what I need right now. Tell me the signs.

You swallowed and told him the signs. His eyes followed your movements without blinking, and when you finished he thanked you with a nod. He made the signs of his Shadow Clone technique and created two other versions of him, each one with a pair of kunai that carried the mark of his Hiraishin. He also marked the Clones themselves with the seal.

As if he understood that you wouldn’t leave until he said something, he didn’t deny an explanation of his plan.

- Me and these two Clones are going to take positions at the points where the flood is going to pass. Each of us are going to use your jutsu to open ditches on the ground. They will contain part of the water and diminish its force. If it shows to not be enough to completely stop the flood, it will at least minimize the destruction in the village’s ground.

So he was really going to try what you suspected: to stop the water all by himself. Within the little time you had at the moment, you thought of it. If this have happened just a few days before, the first and only thing you’d think would be how ambitious, even pretentious of him to try such plan without help. But now that you’ve seen a bit more of Tobirama, something like that coming from him didn’t sound so absurd. No, it was exactly the kind of thing you should expect. You also remembered when he manifested an interest in seeing that village’s structure when you were talking to the inn’s owner. Of course: he lived in a village, one that he helped to build and worked to protect. It was only natural for him to be willing to do something for the people of this one when it was in his power to do it.

You stood for a moment.

- Tobirama.

That was the first time you called him by his name. It was enough to make him turn to you again; his Clones followed his move.

- If your plan doesn’t work as you expect, do not stay here.

There was no disdain for your preoccupation in his reply. Still, the respect for your worries didn’t stop him from exposing his belief in the plan’s success and reminding you that you didn’t know everything he could do. Not yet.

- It will work. Thanks to your technique.

And without waiting for a response from you, he turned to his Clones and sent them ahead. They used their kunai and teleported themselves to somewhere out of your sight.

***

When you went back to the group of villagers and explained your husband’s idea to Yoko, you sensed that she was as shocked with his plan as you were, but she was better than you in handling her surprise.

With the shock came the question you never felt you were ready to answer.

- Well, that’s an audacious thing to try. But do you trust him with this?

You nodded without thinking too much of your own fear. Yoko was not your only company; the villagers were there, looking at you – and you knew that in times like that, the wrong word could mess up with the best plans.

- I will go to the end of the line now. Just follow the plan!

The girl didn’t waste time with discussions or doubts.

- Right!

With these matters solved between you and her, you ran back to the end of the line.

But you wouldn’t stay with the people for too long. Patiently, you waited until the last villager entered the woods, far enough from the flood’s way, to go back to Yoko and talk to her apart from the folks.

- Listen. When you asked me if I trusted my husband’s plan, I said yes. And I really do. But I can’t go with you and leave him behind.

The woman’s reaction was nothing like you expected when you said that. Instead of minimizing your worries or suspecting from you, she put her hand on your shoulder, speaking in an assuring, whispered tone;

- Of course you can’t. Don’t worry. I’ve been living among men for a while. I know how stubborn they can be sometimes – she then looked over her shoulder, to a spot above, in a tree; there was a bird looking down at you, one of the species used to send messages – Besides, my brothers are close now. They can help me with the people.

You put your own hand on her shoulder to express your support and gratitude.

- Right. I’m leaving, then. Thank you.

She laughed.

- Just go!

You looked behind you, to the deep grove, eager to cross those trees again and terrified by what you could find after them. However, you were on a rescue mission, not only for the people of that village, but for him and yourself. You still had to leave that place and follow your journey; you still had to reach your family’s compound. And you wouldn’t do that if you stood there. The flood was coming. There was no time to waste.

You took a deep breath and forced your feet to move.

[oh-boy-me]

I found your speculation of Satan having a crush on mc from the get go verry interesting. I was wondering if you have any speculations around the other boys? Like in what order do you think the boys fell for mc? Any specific points in the story that you think are the "fall for mc" moments for them?

(HFSDHFSD LISTEN I’ve had this in my drafts for AGES and I’m so sorry I’m just now getting to actually posting it ;w; )

I’m MORE than happy to speculate on this!  For the brothers, at least, because I haven’t read up to the parts where the other characters show notable interest in you

Putting most of this under a cut for long post and spoilers, but the tl;dr (with some mysterious elements to catch your interest heheheh) is that I believe the brothers “fall for MC” in this order:

1. Satan 2. Mammon 3. (Lucifer) 4. (Levi) 3. Belphie 4. Beel 4. Levi 4. Lucifer 7. Asmo

That must look a little weird; I hope I’ve piqued your interest!

Now, what am I defining as falling for MC?  For consistency, we’re going to consider a brother falling for MC being the moment when they themself realize that they might have feelings for them.

#1 Demon: Satan Moment: As early as day 4

First up is Satan, who I’ve already explained here.  An argument can be made that Mammon catches feelings first, but assuming a real-time progression, Satan’s first text reaches MC on their fourth day in the Devildom.

#2 Demon: Mammon Moment: Lesson 4-1

Mammon is interesting, because with this analysis he’s one of only two brothers for which you can actually get a calendar date for their falling for MC.  You can do this because the first few lessons cover a very short span of time.

According to the fact that Lucifer says you don’t want to be late on your first day of school after giving you a hint about Goldie, MC makes a pact with Mammon on their second day in the Devildom. (You don’t go to school on day 1.)

Lucifer blocks MC from the attic on the night of day 3, and after that things get shaky again until you hit the TSL movie night with Beel and Mammon.

The reason the movie night is interesting is because Beel specifically states that midterms are coming up soon.  Based on the game’s Japanese origin, we’re going to assume that RAD also follows the same three-term system that Japanese schools do.  This places the TSL marathon at about a month into MC’s stay.

Anyway, we’re basing Mammon’s interest in you on pretty obvious factors:

We basically don’t see any of Mammon’s trademark tsundere nature until after these lessons.  Before this it’s not him being tsundere, he’s genuinely annoyed with you.

He left a toothbrush and charger in your room sometime between Lesson 3-10 and 4-4.

This famous line: 

He probably developed feelings sometime during the TSL marathon, but I think it was when you were in danger, and even though he kept saying he’d let you die his first instinct was to save you, that he understood what those feelings were.

#3.  Demon: (Lucifer) Moment: Lesson 12-19

Crossed out and in parentheses Lucifer is the first one where we start to go off of assumptions and headcanon rather than concrete in game evidence, but.  I’m sure your bigger question is “why is he crossed out AND in parentheses AND why does he show up again later.”

The moment I listed is the lesson where you and Lucifer have to fall in love to escape the “horror game” that Levi “trapped” you in.  He spends most of the time seeming like he isn’t interested and doing it out of necessity, but then he turns around and says these lines.

Assuming that was almost a confession, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided right there, in that moment, that he was developing feelings.  Lucifer is very self aware, and very sure of himself, and it’s also not like him to suddenly change his mind about how he’s treating things.  If he was hiding his feelings the whole time, I don’t think he would have almost slipped at all.

Of course, right after this, you announce that you’ve met Belphegor, and his developing feelings are overshadowed by rage.

And of course, Lesson 12-19 never happened.

What?

Let me remind you of the timeline.  Barbatos explains in Lesson 16-19 that he has the power to choose any timeline as the sole reality, and he chose the timeline you traveled to.

When you jump back in time, you end up in the moment right after making a pact with Satan (Lesson 12-10).  This means that everything that happened between Lessons 12-10 and 15-17 was erased from history.

The timeline in Season One looks a little something like this, to simplify.

Admittedly, we don’t know how far into their conversation MC and Lucifer make it in the second timeline, but on Lucifer’s part I don’t think it changes much.

This timeline stuff is important because

#4 Demon: (Leviathan) Moment: Lesson 14-4

Ok, first, I have to say that I really hate the way MC and Levi make up in Lesson 14.  imo it has the potential to be really manipulative on both sides.  But that’s not the point of this post.

Levi does NOT have a crush on you before Belphie shows up out of nowhere.  In Lesson 14-4, he’s talking to himself, and distinctly complains about losing a friend, and how Henry is his only friend.

He’s also refusing to acknowledge your existence, and he’s talking to a fish, so there’s no reason for him to hide how he really feels in the moment.

Then, later on in the same chapter, this is Levi’s response to seeing MC hug Lucifer.

I’m assuming MC isn’t the one he’s jealous of.  But what’s interesting here is that, as far as I can remember, this is the first time Levi ever expresses jealousy about you in any sense, platonic or romantic.  You don’t really interact with Levi one on one between Lesson 14-4 and this moment, so 14-4 is the most likely catalyst for this change.

Levi does say “you’re my true friend” at the end of 14-4, but you are not a fish, and that doesn’t change the fact that he could have been like “oh wow MC didn’t abandon me they really like me oh no I really like them”

Also, by 16-A he canonically likes you.

But just like with the last one, this exchange never happened and Levi never fell for you.

#3 Demon: Belphie Moment: Between Lessons 18-15 and 18-19

Now Belphie is interesting, because I would argue that he was trying to fall in love with you for a while.  All that “making up for lost time” and seeming to spend every waking hour with you in lessons 17 and 18 to me point pretty heavily to the idea that he wants to feel the same way about you that his brothers do.  Whether it’s to feel more connected with them or from a genuine interest in you is unclear though.

But then he decides to give you a pact as a present, which is a pretty big deal.  Most pacts in the game are made before the demon has feelings for you, but aside from Belphie, Satan is the only one who brings it up himself.  And since like I said Satan pretty clearly liked you before making a pact, the same can probably be said of Belphie.

I should also mention that Belphie muses over giving you a pact in Lesson 18-A, which takes place before Lesson 17-7 at the latest.  But we have to remember that this is before you’ve helped him mend his relationships with his brothers, and therefore he barely knows you.  Satan also barely knew you, but Belphie has the added problem of mixing up you and Lilith.  You can make arguments for the others when they were uber nice to you in Lesson 16-19, but for Belphie there’s really no other possible reason than Lilith.

However, Lesson 18-15 is the one where Belphie says he’s going to move forward with his life and stop putting things on hold for Lilith.

So, chances are his attachment to you is pretty unhealthy at first, but I’m choosing the timeframe I did as the moment because in 18-19 he explicitly states that he isn’t confusing you with Lilith.

This would be the moment of confirmation that he likes you, not the idea of what you might represent.

#4 Demon: Leviathan, Beelzebub, Lucifer Moment: Sometime during the time skip

I don’t think we see these three fall for you on camera.  The time skip covers literal months, and I think they fall for you in somewhere in that long period of time.

I don’t think I need to tell you that Levi and Beel like you by the time Lesson 20 comes along, since they both confess to you.

Lucifer doesn’t explicitly confess, but if you choose to hug him, he says this

Which heavily implies that he wants to be the one most important to you.  Also, I don’t think he’d have made a pact at all otherwise.

#7 Demon: Asmodeus Moment: Lesson 19-17

For Asmo, I think we see the EXACT moment he realizes he’s in love with you.

First off, in Lesson 16-A he noticeably isn’t openly interested in you in any way other than superficially.  Granted, 16-A never happened, but it does confirm that he didn’t like you before then.

Then, in his part of Lesson 19, you go drinking with him.  Early in the night, he says this.

His answer to your prompt of romance suggests that he doesn’t understand the fact that he does like you like that, or at least that he’s in denial.

However, then you beat him at a drinking game, and the reality of you leaving him behind comes crashing down on him.

The drastic change makes me think that this is the very moment he understands his feelings.

--

And that’s it!  I hope this was an interesting read, and sorry again it took SO long.

[nagirambles]

So uh, NaLu isn’t canon.

Now hold on before you get mad-- this isn’t anti-NaLu. I’m saying they’re not canon, which is an actual fact. they’re not canon until they officially start dating and being a couple, which is what becoming a canon ship means. 

Is Gajevy canon? Yes, Gajeel explicitly declared his love for her, and now Levy’s pregnant. This is the most canonized ship in the Big 4 now.

Is Jerza canon? Yes, actually. This was also a rather straightforward declaration.

Is Gruvia canon? No! We’re still like half a step away from it. Are Gray and Juvia even dating? No. Gray has clearly begun to return his feelings, unlike before where he would refuse-- there is an acknowledgement of feelings, but they have not actually spoken about it to genuinely take it to a dating level. These two are however definitely much more semi-canon than NaLu at the moment. 

Nalu? None at all. Mashima hasn’t given much to us yet. 

There’s a lot of ‘implied’ this and ‘implied’ that, but has Natsu and Lucy ever said to each other that they love each other? No. Blushing at the thought of each other, or even ‘fighting when someone harrasses her’ is not a declaration of love. The second part’s just basic human decency and Natsu sticking her hand down her boobs is just Mashima’s botched attempt at being funny. Or even the fact that Lucy calms Natsu when he’s enraged-- that’s a length Lucy has gone to with the END book already, it’s not new. 

Not saying you can’t interpret these things as NaLu-- but that’s it. It’s just interpretation. 

The one thing that matters is that the characters themselves have not taken any steps toward advancing their relationship. Gray has begun to openly return Juvia’s feelings. Erza has extended an invitation for Jellal to join the guild, because she wants to be together with him. Natsu and Lucy haven’t done much to advance their relationship with each other at all. You could even argue that since we’re already nearly a hundred chapters in, Mashima probably won’t do much ever.

So, seriously-- NaLu isn’t canon. Yet. Declaring to yourself that ‘nalu is canon!’ in an attempt to ‘chase the haters that are in denial’ is unfortunately just straight up lying. Cite any other reason for how Nalu is valid instead-- like the fact that Mashima obviously intends for them to be the ship, with all the shippy illustrations he does. 

Just don’t say it’s canon when it’s not. And definitely don’t think it’s some genius rebuttal against people who hate NaLu or prefer to ship other pairs. 

To begin with, canonicity has never been the basis nor the crux for ships. Ships have always been done more for fandom interest rather than the desire to see it come true at the hands of the author. Not very long ago and even now, completely valid and obvious gay ships in fiction couldn’t openly be canonized simply because the author’s hands were also tied. Does that mean people can’t ship it then, because it obviously won’t come true? hell no. What if we want to see two people who have never interacted to form a romantic bond? Obviously they’re not coming true-- hell, we don’t really want it to. No one cares if their rarepairs and crackships don’t become canon, the only people that care are the people who vehemently shove the canonized ships back in our faces because ‘hey, look, this is obviously better’. That’s not the point. 

Fandom has never been constrained by the laws of canon and will never be. People are not going to shut up about ships just because another semi-canon ship is going to come true, and they shouldn’t. Just let people ship what they want, even if the ship is ‘meant to be’ or ‘getting in the way of canon’ or something. The manga isn’t a rulebook. 

Even if it is, we’re making blackout poetry.

[rhetorical-ink]

Haikyuu!! SPOILERS: Chapter 401, How We Connect the Dots.

**PENULTIMATE SPOILERS BELOW**

I just posted a video with my live reactions to the chapter, but here are my highlights, because FURUDATE YOU MADMAN GENIUS. This chapter connected so much together. So, let’s do:

My Top 10 Thoughts on Haikyuu!! Chapter 401:

10. Of course. In true Furudate fashion, he has Kageyama block the spike from Hinata, BUT, what Kageyama doesn’t realize is all the training on the beach Shoyo has done to prepare for such a moment. And that heel kick! *swoons* Also, someone reacting to Season 4, Episode 9 of the anime, where Hinata kicks the ball back to himself called this happening all those months ago...Furudate is next level at foreshadowing. Not that we didn’t already know that.

9. Hey, remember how in the VERY FIRST chapter of Haikyuu!! Shoyo did this crazy run across the court to score? Yeah, Furudate knows we remember. And he pulls this -- and Kageyama’s beautiful reaction, only for --

-- Only for it to all be a DECOY. Kageyama, you made this monster, you know. I love that Shoyo has come all this way from wanting to score all the points to accepting that the decoy DOES have a vital role to play, and in this instance, it’s allowing Bokuto to score the winning point for the MSBY Black Jackals. Just look at that smile! And of course, Tanaka and Asahi KNOW the power of Hinata as a Decoy...because they’ve been in Bokuto’s shoes before. 

8. UGH, the aftermath of that moment is glorious, which will detail down below -- but I love Shoyo and Kageyama’s interaction, though. How they’re still keeping track of each other’s wins and losses, exhausting Miya, hilariously, and showing that they’re on equal footing now, after all these years. This chapter is just cementing the last several chapters’ worth of character development. 

7. ARE YOU SHIPPERS READY FOR YOUR FOOD?!

Because these next few pages were healing my shipper heart. I mean, yes, the Kagehina fanbase is raving right now, but let’s talk about THESE ships below, starting with:

Tsukishima x Yamaguchi:

So, Tsukishima, of course, is not sappy about any of this and just points out how the season’s just getting started (ready the fanfics, y’all). 

And of course, Yamaguchi wants to watch Tsuki play! Yachi says she’ll come too! I LOVE how just like he was with Akiteru, he doesn’t want them to come watch (even though we all know he’ll love it when they’re there). Now, some people have commented that Yamaguchi could be with Yachi, but y’all...Yachi is in Tokyo. Yamaguchi and Tsuki both live in Miyagi. I can’t wait for all the Sendai Frog/TsukiYama fanfics!

If you’re looking for an extra Kagehina crumble, just look at the end of this adorable exchange between Romero, smol adorable Rubens, and Shoyo (who perfectly crouches down to talk to him MY HEART I CAN’T), to see Kageyama notice that Shoyo can speak multiple languages...oh, honey! If only you know about Hinata and Pedro’s marathons of DBZ in Portugese and English! ^^

Also, Furudate WE SEE YOU. We see you being meta and implying that now Haikyuu!! is over, he’s moving on...Akaashi’s line about going forward hit me hard...it’s like he’s telling us, the fandom, that going on to start something new isn’t so bad. SO YOU SAY. 

BOKUAKA NATION -- WE CANON NOW, RIGHT?!

I love that Akaashi gets to interview Bokuto (IS HE GOING TO BE THE STAR of the Volleyball manga Tenma Udai is writing?! He would be PERFECT for it!) and how happy Akaashi looks, even if he and Bokuto realize how differently they view the term “normal.” 

ALSO, it’s implied above that Akaashi, Bokuto, and Tenma were going out for drinks...which now....we know that it’s just Bokuto and Akaashi, since Tenma was going home. Uhm, FAN FIC WRITERS ASSEMBLE!

I also love that Udai joins the club, along with Fukurodani’s coach and manager, of people who realize that Bokuto and Akaashi are weirdos but they are weirdos together, so it’s fine. 

Keeping the “Ship Train” going, we get little bits of Shimizu x Yachi from the bathhouse before the Inarizaki Match, where Kiyoko finally acknowledges she is okay showing her legs...thanks to Yachi’s words. I also find Suga wanting to know “the tea” on the situation to be adorable. 

AND FINALLY, YES, Y’ALL:

I was spoiled with Kuroo’s return, but seriously, Furudate, you saved him for the end here so INTENTIONALLY. 

Because OF COURSE Kuroo would work for the JVA. As a promoter. CONNECTING people...with Volleyball...because that’s the Nekoma way.

And FURUDATE ARE YOU SUGGESTING TO US THAT KUROO AND KENMA ARE BUSINESS PARTNERS AND COLLABORATORS BECAUSE MY KUROKEN HEART IS SOARING -- 

-- and let it be known Atsumu Miya rightfully doesn’t trust Kuroo, and neither does Sakusa. A nice SakuAtsu crumb where we actually see Sakusa agree with Miya without sacrasm or question! Poor Shoyo is a salesman’s dream, though. I mean, Kuroo does look a little sketchy in some of those shots...BUT....

6. Kuroo’s speech about sports was SO fitting. Seriously, everything he says here is BASICALLY what makes Haikyuu!! such a great series. I DID laugh out loud at the line about “hardly anybody dies.” 

*Flashbacks to “Dead Daichi” meme*

5. It’s taken us the ENTIRE series, but Kageyama finally talks to Kindaichi and Kunimi. This was so heartwarming, seeing Kageyama wanting to play WITH THEM. AS A TEAM. This made my heart expand three sizes. The character development on Kageyama, and Kindaichi, is through the roof.

I also LOVE Kunimi the most in these panels. Kunimi is a MOOD. 

Y’ALL. I’VE WAITED 400 CHAPTERS FOR THIS PANEL OF THESE THREE HAPPY AND BECOMING FRIENDS AGAIN.

4. I love that Hoshiumi doesn’t see Hinata as a Rival, but as someone that is going to help him show the rest of the world the strength of someone who doesn’t have height. I also find it interesting that we see the Japanese Olympic Coach walking out just as Hoshiumi gives us that beautiful gaze. So...does Hoshiumi know he’s going to be on the Olympic team, with Hinata, maybe? Foreshadowing, perhaps?

3. Okay, okay, I held it together until this page. 

It wasn’t Ushijima’s panel with Washijo that got me.

It wasn’t Saeko and Akane reuniting, though that was sweet. 

It wasn’t the three “Pure Captains” reuniting, though it made my heart happy.

It honestly wasn’t the five first years together, either. They’re all so happy and having a laugh at Kageyama’s expense, and as beautiful as that panel is.

SUGAWARA IN LINE TO GET KAGEYAMA’S AUTOGRAPH.

That is what got me. 

Him in line, so meekly, to get the autograph of his kouhai, the man Suga joked would have to tell about how much he learned from HIM when he was giving out interviews and autographs...I just...Sugawara made me cry. That is all. 

2. Then there’s this last page. 2021. 

"We overcame difficulties and stand here.”

Furudate really said “screw you” to Covid messing up the timeline.

Yes, seeing Kageyama and Hinata in their original jersey numbers was amazing, but I think we all saw that coming if these two happened to get on the Olympic team. 

What I want to focus on are the two countries we see included in the bottom corner here. We see: 

Brazil -- and some fluffy haired man carrying the flag for the team.

And we see the United States -- there’s several American Flags and stars and stripes on the shirts of the crowd, there.

SO, HEADCANON TIME: 

* Oikawa was on the Argentinean League, so could he play for Brazil? It’s not likely, but not impossible....BUT, I don’t think that’s it.

I don’t think Oikawa is on Japan’s National Team for the Olympics.

If he is on the Olympic Team, I think he’ll be on America’s. 

Why? Because, and this could be because I’m the biggest IwaOi shipper, but Iwaizumi was still in the United States with Ushijima’s father at the end of Chapter 395. And if he’s still there, there is no reason why Iwaizumi couldn’t be a physical trainer alongside Ushijima’s father for the U.S. Olympic team. And why wouldn’t Oikawa trek over to the States to be on the same team as Iwa-Chan’s working with? I’m probably wrong, BUT -- 

We also still need to see Seijoh’s banner, and as others have theorized, how fitting would it be to see Hinata, Kageyama, and (probably) Ushijima on the team facing Oikawa? I just....I’m betting money that Oikawa shows up in 402. I hope we at least see him on the Olympic Stage. OIKAWA DESERVES IT. 

1. So, who are we missing that hasn’t been shown yet?

We still need to see the rest of Nekoma (Lev, Yaku, Yamamoto, Kai....could they be in the stands or on the Japan team? I guess we’ll find out!)

We haven’t seen Daishou and Mika -- I would love to see them watching or narrating in the audience during the Olympic game.

And finally, yes, we’ve seen Tendo in the Chapter 395 flashback, but we’ve never seen what he’s DOING. Furudate has shown us with every character what they’ve been doing since the timeskip....EXCEPT TENDO. I’m calling it that he’ll appear one more time next chapter, too.

So....guys....I’m staying off of Social Media from Wednesday to Sunday next week, to prep for the last chapter and not be spoiled. I’m going to do a live reaction for YouTube, and I’ll post it here. You can see the one I did for 401 now. 

Furudate, this series has been immaculate. Time for one more round.

Let’s all cry together next week.

[astersofthesky]

I decided to reread the MHA LN Chapter 4, you know, the canon bkdk angsty slow-burn fanfic 😌😌 Spreading the BKDK LN agenda because WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS MORE !!

Anyway, I FOUND ANOTHER TRANSLATION but sadly OP haven't finished it yet 😢

And since I need an emotional outlet so I can scream at how they're so canon, Im'ma do it here ahwjdhfjsh 👀✨

Warning: Long post; potential manga spoilers

– I forgot that this chapter literally started with the angst 😭 Deku saying that he can't imagine having lunch with Kacchan is like a pain in the gut. He just wanna be friends with his Kacchan again 😢

– One word, ✨SOULMATES ✨ afshshahah PLS, even the universe can't help but ship them together 😩✋ they're fruityness is on whole a new level I CAN'T 💚🧡

– I see what you're doing Bakugou 👀 You really can't leave your sweet broccoli behind huh?? Also, crybaby Macchan and aggressive Takkun?? 🤔 Do I need to say more? 🧐

– If that's not flirting then idk what is 🤷 also, "In front of my soba? Really?" (Todoroki, probably)

– There's no ss but I just wanna give a special mention to jealous!Bakugou. No cos srsly, implying you're not friends with Deku as if you're not dying to hold his hand then getting irritated over Todoroki claiming the "friend" card 😩 Just, Bakugou, don't @ me ☺️💢

– The angst had reached full force it seems ಥ‿ಥ The line was cut but it actually says "Not friends, just childhood friends" 😭😭 and I am telling you Im'ma throw my brand new book when Bakugou explicitly acknowledges Midoriya as his boyfriend. Because before they were rivals, Bakugou and Midoriya were first friends. And I'm not saying that they aren't one now because we as readers, can definitely see they care for each other. But the question is, do they already see the other as a friend and not just a mere rival? They don't cos they're boyfriends your honor

– Tbh, It still haven't sinked in that this is kind of canon 🤧 This is such a cliched romantic scene like wtf?? So what's next? The full moon is illuminating half of Bakugou's face, red eyes glowing and face soft from the natural white luminescence or something sappy like that?? 😩😩 I love it

– Izuku in this LN chapter whenever he talks about Bkg: ✨ THEIR RELATIONSHIP ✨

– I know, I get it. You don't have to shove it my face every single time Deku 😌 and pls, why are you still flirting at the middle of the night?? Or was it pining that I see 🤔 i mean comparing each other to their kid parallels 😕 hmm a severe case of mutual pining indeed

– Yes yes, of course you're only looking for food stalls Mr. Bakugou "Tsundere" Katsuki, I completely don't believe that you're worried about the kids. No! of course not! Who says you want the kids to reconcile so they wouldn't experience the pain that you and a certain green had gone through?? Hahaha I mean It's not like they're your parallel what??hmmm no no, go on, look for takoyaki or smthn ☺️☺️

– Wait, did the last part say '"Bakugou grabbed Izuku's face and pushed it away..." Aksfksjdhdisjs what in the actual gay fanfic is this??!! Or wait, is this what Bkg usually do to Deku in the official art he's like, I love agressively gripping your head as I entangle my fingers on your soft curls but no homo💀

Since OP's translation isn't complete, I'm going to use Lau Ren's translation and yes I'm continuing this shit even though Tumblr mobile only lets me post 10 pics per post

– Bkdk domesticity with children pt. 95736 💚🧡 They love kids so much 😩 Yk I'd donate my kidney just to see this ANIMATED ✨ like this has so much fluff potential 🤧 Or at the very least a drama CD. I'd ascend 😭

– WHAT THE FUDGE ?!! I'M SCREAMING 😭 I SAY IT AGAIN 💞 SOULMATES✨ and pls, it has my favorite fic trope, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings. Anyway, I need a minute to collect myself cos I can't move past the "With the said person himself nearby, Kacchan thought his fate had gone crazy" ( ≧Д≦) dammit Katsuki, why r u so gay. Izuku loves you, you emotionally constipated gremlin

I have reached my 10 picture limit so I'm just gonna copy paste some of the twts 💀 I hope I don't get in trouble lmao Xd

- Kacchan fixed his gaze to Deku who looked relieved. "He..."

- Somehow, Kacchan remembered the fight they had after All Might's retirement. It was the first time they were able to let out their conflicts sincerely. Although his fear towards Deku had decreased since then, there was still a feeling of disgust about Deku being a hero who save others residing in Kacchan.

- He couldn't understand it. But he knew, there will always a being whom he cannot understand

– Bkg rlly said 👀 on Deku while having angsty thoughts ಥ╭╮ಥ Looking back on this tho, I just can't help but be proud when I remember 285. Bakugou is loud but he is very rational in battles. He thinks of a plan on the spot meaning he's mind is on work 24/7.

– When he had his "My body just moved on its own" moment, Katsuki had understood Deku and his nature to "Save to Win." It'ss that Katsuki must not analyze it with his brain, but instead feel it with his heart 💚🧡 And this is the reason why I badly want to see him on the manga 😭 that was some MAJOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'm ahwjdhfjsh

– Takkun and Maachan's pinky swear deserves their own mention. They're so pure 😩✋

- He said he still hasn't done hatsumoude so Kacchan can go first, but Kacchan refused and wouldn't let Deku do hatsumoude before him.

- Kacchan tried to take a head start, but in the end, they ended up visiting and praying together.

– AND WE'RE BACK with the gays 😌 hsjdjajs they compete with every single thing it's honestly cute. Also YES THEY PRAYED TOGETHER and shoujo scenes with the main couple praying on the shrine but make it BKDK flashed before my eyes 😖✨

- After finishing their prayers, Deku looked at Kacchan, "What did you wish for?" "Shut up."

- Even with Kacchan's sulking expression seen from the side, Deku felt that they had wished for the same thing.

– DEKU YOU'RE BEING TOO LOUD!! I just can't with these two 😩✋ Both of them are down so bad for each other and you can't tell me otherwise 💚✨🧡

- With those serious eyes, Deku knew they were aiming for the same thing. Win to save, save to win. To be the best heroes.

- Deku knew well that he and Kacchan are polar opposites. But even so, Deku couldn't imagine a world in which Kacchan doesn't exist.

– Deku just went 😍 on Kacchan and thought "I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT YOU 🧡💚" (insert Imagine by Ben Platt)

– I can't even stress how much I love this line, y'all this is so misleading I-- this is too much 😭 Anyway, I believe this go both ways. Bakugou can't also see a world without Deku in it, and since Deku decided to be the self-sacrificing person he is, I'll just SCREAM IN CH. 304 ( ≧Д≦)

- Seeing the two praying side by side, he commented, "so you've become good friends now, huh."

- Both of them immediately opposed, and Kacchan threatened to explode Shoto's mouth for saying such a disgusting thing.

– Let's go Todoroki, best wingman 🤣 And flustered Bakugou makes a reappearance hdjsja Dammit half n' half I ain't flirting with Deku fvck you

And this is where it ends afshshaha anyway bkdk canon 💚🧡

[neonacity]

Black Daisies Chapter 5| Canzona

Preview:

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

An NCT mafia AU with OT23. 

Summary: Working for the mafia comes with many layers. There’s excitement, violence, loss, and betrayals. Yet there’s also friendship, family, loyalty, and code. The last thing it needs? Love and all the complexities it brings.

TW: violence, death, mentions of drugs and other illegal activities. If you’re uncomfortable with any of these, feel free to skip. Author’s note: This is purely a work of fiction. In no way am I supporting all the illegal activities and behaviors that might be mentioned in the story nor am I implying that any member of NCT acts whichever way I may write them here--they’re all sweetiepies that need to be protected.

Chapter: 1/ First Stage

Chapter: 2/Overture

Chapter: 3/The Conductor

Chapter: 4/Crescendo

The fog of smoke from the lighted cigarette mixed with the cold breath coming from blood red lips. A woman stood in a small overhead overlooking the city, watching the shadows move across Seoul like a dark cloud bidding disaster. 

The sound of gravel crunching under boots sounded from behind her. She didn’t acknowledge it at first, however, instead dropping the nearly finished stick of nicotine between her fingers to the ground. A gust of air blew the stray stub away, its embers flaring up slightly before dying out. 

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

For a moment, it was only silence that answered her. Her dress danced in the wind, its red color looking like dried blood in the darkness. 

“You were waiting...for me.”

She finally turned around to look at the guest. Her eyes, though naturally sharp, flickered with familiarity as she took in the form of the boy in front of her. 

“I know you’re about to do something silly. I’m only here to tell you to stop whatever idea you’re having right now.”

The figure didn’t move in front of her, but the way he stared at her made the distance between them almost crackle with electricity. The man’s jaw tightened, before it finally relaxed just a little bit. 

“None of NCT is planning to participate in his game.”

The woman merely raised a perfectly shaped brow, knowing that there’s more to what he is saying.

“But I—”

“Jaehyun. Don’t be stupid.” 

“Being the Don means I can do anything I want, right? So you and I can—”

“There is no you and I,” her voice, though it sounded clipped and cold in the meeting hall earlier, had a tinge of emotion this time. Is it desperation? Frustration? Helplessness?

Jaehyun took a few steps towards the smaller figure in front of him, his hands shoved deep into his pockets to keep him from reaching out to her. 

“You will be free. From him. From all of this.” 

“If you win.” 

“And I will.”

“Not after you’ve betrayed your brothers. You know what things this kind of game brings. Don’t do something you’ll regret later.”

He locked his jaw again, his expression intense even under the shadows that wrapped the two of them. Jaehyun finally pulled one hand from his pocket and moved it to touch her arm. The woman took a step back, evading his touch carefully.

“I don’t need to betray anyone. We all agreed on it. Everything will carry out as usual,” he said in a tone that sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. As she looked up at him, she saw the same desperation in his eyes—the same eyes that used to be so innocent before they were hardened by his life in the mafia. 

“And you believe them? Look at where you are now, in front of me, telling me you’ll be doing this. You think you are the only one who has a reason to go after the position among all of you?”

“I…” he trailed off, a frown settling on his forehead. “I trust them.”

“With the way you are acting, I don’t think you are worthy of their trust at all.”

Something finally snapped inside of him and he finally closed the distance between them in quick strides. He didn’t touch her, but they were close enough to each other that the cold fogs of their breath mingled in the darkness.

“This is the only chance I have—you have—to finally leave.” 

For a moment she simply looked at him, gaze unfaltering. She wanted nothing more than to reach out to his face and cradle it, tell him everything is going to be fine, but even as a flicker of emotion slipped on her gaze, she quickly let her cold mask replace it as fast as it came. 

“I don’t need you to save me. Don’t do this.” 

Before he could say, or do anything else, she finally took a step back again before turning on her heels to walk away. Jaehyun followed her with his gaze until the darkness swallowed her retreating form. 

“Yo, you okay?”

I looked up from squinting at my computer and turned towards the boy grinning in front of me. I probably looked funny, my face all scrunched up from staring at my screen, because he broke into a laugh before dropping himself into the seat next to me.

“Ya… I know Taeyong said you’ll be our first line of defense, but you haven’t peeled your butt from your seat since last night. Relax. I don’t think Cypher is going to do anything—at least not for now.”

My squint turned into a frown and I opened my mouth to shoot back a reply. Before I could say anything though, a painful throb on my left temple made me stop. I barely slept a wink last night. I leaned back on my chair with a defeated sigh. 

“You don’t know that, Yuta. Those guys… they’re nasty. If they got the same message that we all got last night, I’m 99 percent sure they’re thinking of something to sabotage us now.” 

“Mm… were you able to hack into their system though?”

“Yeah. Their firewall sucks as usual. Nothing seems out of place for now…” I trailed off as my gaze moved across the room. From upstairs, I saw Taeyong slip out of his room in his sweats, hair messy from sleep. He ducked into the fridge on the second floor, rummaging for something there. 

After the announcement from the Don, all the members decided to stay in the headquarters temporarily instead of going to their separate dorms to ‘watch each other’s backs.’ It was a good move in my opinion, but another side of me is also a little bit nervous of having everyone around all the time. Not that I don’t like having the guys as company… but I have my personal reasons to be anxious about the recent change in living arrangements. 

From upstairs, Taeyong finally managed to fish out one of the tetra boxes of banana milk from the back of the fridge. I didn’t realize I was still staring at him until his eyes finally met mine and he gave me a sleepy smile. 

I quickly turned my eyes back to Yuta only to find him giving me a Cheshire grin. 

“What?”

“I asked you if you also tried checking temporary databases Cypher might be using but you were too busy eating up breakfast with your eyes,” he snickered before throwing up his hands as if in surrender. “I get it, I get it. All of us are handsome but you only have eyes for—” 

I quickly gave him a punch on his left shoulder as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. “I—wasn’t staring!”

“Sure, you were just drooling—”

“Hey, anyone up for some drinks tonight?” 

Our childish banter temporarily stopped as Yuta and I looked up to see a very sweaty Johnny stride through the door. He was slightly panting as he approached us, the slight flush of his cheeks a sign that he just finished his morning run. 

“Why? You going to Anarchy?” Yuta asked in curiosity as he dug his hands in the front pocket of his sweater. 

“Yeah, I have to make sure the dealers are selling the new goods well. I could go alone as usual but our Mom there,” he moved his lips to point towards a still sleepy-looking Taeyong upstairs, “said it is best to go in groups for now. You know, just to be sure.” 

Yuta shrugged. “I can go with you. I’ll also ask the other guys too. I sure need a bottle or two.” 

Johnny turned to look at me. For the first time since last evening, I felt extremely conscious of how I look. I was wearing an oversized hoodie, my hair up in a sorry excuse of a bun. My glasses didn’t do me any favors, barely concealing the dark circles under my eyes.

“You want to come with us?” he asked, smiling at me. 

“Uh… I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have to—”

“She has to watch over the rats, is what she’ll say,” Yuta interjected from his seat. He turned to look at me then with a frown. “Seriously, if you’re going to act like this, you’ll never see sunlight in the next two months.”

I opened my mouth to speak but Johnny was too quick to answer for me. 

“Great. You’ll come with us then.”

“But—”

“You can work in the club. I’ll have Jungwoo bring those mini computers you both love tinkering with. You can use them to do your magic codes and spying voodoo, right?” 

I stared at him, at a loss for words. 

“Good talk. We leave at 9PM,” he flashed me another grin and turned to walk away. I was about to give another rebuttal when my eyes landed on the way his shirt stuck to the muscles of his back. I closed my mouth and sank back to my seat. 

Beside me, Yuta was grinning from ear to ear again. 

“Don’t you just love it that we’re all staying here now?”

I turned and gave him another punch on the shoulder. 

Two hundred miles away from Seoul, a man sat back on his seat as the screen in front of him turned black. The lone light of the overhead lamp in the room made eerie shadows dance across his face as he mulled over the closing words of the Don.

“You are free to do anything you like.”

His impassive face slowly broke into a smile so sinister it almost made his angelic features unrecognizable. He has no fucking idea why the idiotic man decided to start this little game of his, but he likes it nonetheless. A chance to take over the whole mafia sounded so enticing to him that it almost made him laugh, but there’s another reason that ultimately made his blood boil in excitement.

NCT. 

“Jihoon.” 

He only slightly moved his head to look at the female who cracked the door open to his room. She had the same eyes as him, though hers didn’t look tainted with madness. In fact, it look slightly worried right now as they took in his expression. 

“You called for me?” 

“Ah, yes,” he finally turned his swivel chair towards her so he could give her his full attention. He intertwined his long slender fingers on his lap and gave her a sweet smile. 

“I need you to make preparations. We’ll be going on a little field trip.”

Her questioning gaze almost made him snicker.

“Where are we going? We have a deal to close tomorrow and we can’t—”

“Oh dear, I can’t care less about that now. It can wait.” 

The girl pursed her lips. “Fine. Where are we headed to so I can make arrangements?”

The boy leaned back on his seat, head pressed against the headrest. He grinned at her, the emotion playing in his eyes making her blood run cold. 

“Seoul. We’re going to visit some friends.” 

---

A/N: Hi everyone! Decided to post this today even though it is super short. So I’ve decided to introduce Jihoon... and I would love it if I can have a face claim that I can use for him as a reference. To those who have been following the story, I’d love to know your suggestions! This will make it easier for me to develop him because then I’ll have an idea of how he looks like. <3

Chapter 6: Rapture

[tsutsumi-kaina]

Theory: AFO Gave Tomura Decay (Part 1)

This was initially posted on my main, but I rearranged/rewrote some parts that went off track and decided to repost it to my BNHA blog instead.

I wanted to talk about one of my favorite theories for a bit-- namely, the theory that AFO slipped Tenko “Decay” in an effort to facilitate Tenko’s descent into villainy. It’s a pretty popular theory, and one of the main arguments in favor of it (i.e. manga!Tenko was seen being escorted home by a man with AFO’s build and similarly atrocious fashion sense) has already been discussed to death-- so instead I’ll touch on points that I haven’t seen talked about as frequently, but still seem to hint at some foul play surrounding Tomura’s quirk.  

Warning: This post has spoilers for both the most recent chapters of MHA (up to ch. 316) as well as spoilers for Vigilantes (up to ch. 109).

1. The Itch

Putting this first because it’s often the point I see cited most frequently as evidence of Tenko being born with his quirk, while I personally feel it’s the biggest piece of evidence we have in favor of his quirk not being natural.

imo the idea that Tenko has some sort of autoimmune disorder that activated in response to having a quirk forced on him isn’t actually all that far-fetched-- because AFO himself  invites us to consider the medical implications of quirk transfers when he compares “quirk transplants” to organ transplants (which, by the way, are notorious for being rejected by a recipient even if they are a 100% match. Organ recipients usually have to take Antirejection meds that suppress their immune system for the rest of their lives-- b/c when left unsuppressed, the immune system will view the donor organ as an invading pathogen and will try to crazy murder it. That being said: One of the more benign signs of rejection after a liver or kidney transplantation is pruritis, a.k.a. severe itching).

Basically: Tenko’s body is trying to reject the unsuitable/transplanted quirk-- and it manifests as an allergic reaction which, like most immunity-related illnesses, gets worse when stressed.

Pictured: 50% Panic Attack 50% Shrimp Allergy

Another point in favor of this interpretation is that Decay seems to trigger something eerily similar anaphylaxis when it goes out of control. Tenko is suddenly unable to talk, his itch is the absolute worst that it's ever been, his eyes are visibly bloodshot, and he begins to audibly wheeze-- as if his throat is swelling up. Yes, hyperventilating can be a symptom of a panic attack (and he very much is having a massive panic attack on top of everything else that’s going on in this scene), but having your airways appear to constrict to the point where you are wheezing and can no longer talk is not. Let’s move on!

2. Decay’s first actual manifestation occurs during the --happiest-- moment of Tenko’s life: Right after finding out his grandma, Nana Shimura, was a hero.

This particular sequence always struck me as…. strange, to put it mildly. Like, really strange. It also blatantly contradicts the commonly accepted explanation for Tenko’s “itch.” 

“You have within you an impulse to destroy that even you can’t control. It’s bursting out of you, and the itching is your body letting you know.” - (AFO, chapter 237)

But if this is really the case, why do we see it first activating during what’s likely the happiest moment of Tenko’s life? If Decay is truly fueled by hate/anger and required sufficient hatred to build up before manifesting, then what exactly is fueling it during this scene and why did it activate at this specific moment? So let’s ask ourselves-- who, other than Kotaro, would be pissed off that little Tenko found out about Nana and wants to be just like her?

*jazz hands* This guuuuuy!

Let's assume that AFO was able to watch the Shimura family drama unfold from inside Tenko-- This would explain why decay suddenly activated after Tenko found out about Nana, despite Tenko being completely over the moon at the time.  Which brings us to our next point. 

3. The Unique Property of AFO's Vestiges (plural!)

The fact that Tomura has never seen a vestige is often  brought up as a point against the idea of Decay being someone else’s quirk-- however, we get a fairly probable explanation for why Tomura has never seen Decay’s vestige in the recent chapters of MHA: Vigilantes.

The main antagonist of Vigilantes, Number Six/Rokuro, is in possession of a quirk called “Overclock” that was gifted to him by AFO. Overclock initially belonged to the hero “o’Clock” before AFO stole it, and initially we’re led to believe that Rokuro is able to see o’Clock’s vestige.

Except, it turns out what he’s seeing isn’t o’Clock’s vestige at all.

What time is it? It’s AFo’Clock!

The above more or less implies that AFO’s vestige is A) Able to masquerade as the “original” vestige of any quirk that he steals (that, or he fuses with their vestige and then overwrites their personality completely with his own) and B) Exists as a pseudo-vestige in pretty much every quirk that he passes down (and there’s evidence of this in the core series, too-- AFO somehow knew of Nagant’s betrayal instantly and immediately activated the bomb quirk he snuck inside her despite his actual body being nowhere near her at the time.  Plus, AFO-Prime heavily implies that he is able to at least sense the actions/thoughts of TomurAFO to a certain degree, even before the prison break occurs). 

In other words, Tomura has never seen a vestige of Decay’s original owner because AFO literally saved over their vestige with his own. 

Additionally: If we're gonna vehemently insist that Decay 100% belongs to Tomura "bc no vestige!" we have to acknowledge that characters like Nagant and Machia never seem to see the original quirk owners in vestige form, either, despite possessing quirks that were gifted by AFO.

At any rate-- We can assume a pseudo AFO vestige present in stolen quirks isn’t nearly as strong as the vestige that’s present within the AFO quirk itself, which is why AFO can’t simply take over anyone that he gifts a quirk to. What the pseudo-vestige seemingly can do, however, is:

Possibly influence emotions/personality like the brain tumor he is (see: his whole monologue about organ transplants being able to influence tastes and personality, which implicitly means quirk transplants can do the same since he is explicitly drawing comparisons between the two)

Possibly force activate their quirks (see: Nagant’s bomb, and likely Tenko’s first incident of decay)

Monitor people from the inside and somehow relay things like their emotional state, situation, and location, back to Prime-AFO. 

Speaking of “monitoring situation/location”...

4. The Key To Heroics (And Villainy, Apparently) Is All About The Timing!

"AFO added you to Find My Friends! Let AFO see your location? :)"

Folks have already talked about how obviously orchestrated this scene is and how it points to AFO having played a part in the Shimura family tragedy, so we'll leave things at that and move on.

Continued in part two (link!)

[januaryedgelordess]

I'd like to discuss a SnK theory with someone, it's on the possibility of a different (or expanded) AnR theory.

Disclaimer: Perhaps you should read this post with the lyrics for Akatsuki no Requiem by Linked Horizon in mind, but I also don't stand by the original reddit theory a 100%.

--

One of the questions that lingers around the fandom is: "who would've survived the Rumbling had it been done as originally implied by the themes and foreshadowing of the story?". Some believe only Eren and Historia would have had that chance, but they might be mistaken.

The first proof I have in order to back this claim is AnR's official art as drawn by WIT Studio during the production of season three of the anime:

(Note: these are originally four different images, the source of this collage is vaguely anitwt).

Just as shown in the original PV by Linked Horizon, each of these characters are standing by a gravestone while holding a bouquet and looking conflicted. Now, to counter the original AnR theorists, I propose that Eren —and by extension, Historia— weren't the only ones to live on with regret in their hearts, instead, Levi and Hanji survived as well.

Why did they survive? Is my conclusion solely based on these pictures? Well, just in part.

I believe Attack on Titan was never meant to be a one-sided story, and that one of the various themes that weren't thoroughly explored in the later chapters, a theme which was instead rushed and swiftly overlooked, is that of the conflict between "Nationalism" and "Internationalism". It's obvious and needless to point out that Yaegerists were the former, but the latter never take a name for themselves. However, we get a rough idea of who they might be, one of them is clearly Hanji Zoe:

Another internationalist is obviously Onyankopon:

Another one is Armin and so on, and so on.

Are they the only type on people on Earth? Of course not. Notably you also have those who have egotistical motivations, like Jean, who just wants to get married and live a peaceful life in the inner cities; or the Hizuru ambassador, Kiyomi, whose motivation is monetary gain. The world isn't black and white in AoT so, to clarify, it's unnecessary to classify every character in the dichotomy here presented.

Now, if Yams hadn't downplayed this interaction, we may have had a better thought out plan to stop the Rumbling and, possibly, a less moronically cringy way for "The Alliance" to be presented.

Why is that? It's because of various reasons. First, one of the most observant characters, Hanji, is notable for having spied on some of Eren and Historia's interactions (the "You look happy — that's because I am" scene for example) but by the end of the story the audience never got a reason as to why this observant behavior happened. If Hanji really is as cunning and observant as she is portrayed to be, she should've been the first character to suspect that Eren is the father and, therefore, that Historia's pregnancy's due date was off. Instead of the survey corps discussing this info, we get some random officers discussing irrelevant rumours about it. Isayama I mean, Kawakubo played Hanji Zoe dirty, in my opinion, in this scenario.

If Hanji had noticed that important information, and if that info had been shared with the Survey Corps, as was natural for her character to do, "the Alliance" may have had been able to act sooner against the AT.

Now, would more prep time save the world from devastation? No, I don't believe so. I believe it would, instead, make them have a slightly more realistic last fight by a) having them recruit actual soldiers and weapons for the final showdown, heck, if they have enough time even other countries would chime in, vs Hallu-chan and the Attach Titan; and, therefore, b) not having them rely on a Deus Ex Machina to defeat Eren.

That way, Hanji would live on with regret, knowing the Alliance did everything in their power to defeat the Attack Titan but failed miserably in the end. Instead of having her smile as her ghost-self at whatever the hell the canon battle achieved, she'd mourn the world that's been lost, and she'd feel regret for not being able to save it.

Now, for Levi I haven't done a thorough analysis yet, but I believe it's not difficult to see why humanity's strongest soldier would survive this ordain. I'd really like to hear someone else's thoughts on that matter.

Also, I'm in no way trying to imply LeviHan was supposed to be part of a kino ending, but I'm not too into that ship so I'd like to hear someone else's thoughts about it and on why they were the only two members of the alliance to survive according to WIT Studio's AnR official art.

Now, onto the second part of "who survived the Rumbling?". The next piece of information contradicts previous statements, and it also contradicts an AnR ending to some extent, but bare with me, please.

Exhibit A, Mikasa and Armin should have survived:

However, for Kruger's prophecy to succeed, I stand by my previous statement that "the Alliance" should've acted sooner, and that Armin is part of the Internationalist faction ready to "save humanity". Why do I believe that? It's easy, first, let's remember this quote from the moment Erwin died:

Note how, not only does Eren say Armin will save the humans, he also implies Mikasa will know it'll happen (so she'll be alive by the time the battle ends).

And, piggybacking on that moment as well, Armin would've been able to use his intellect to make a plan to divert the Rumbling titans. I'm adding this here to stress something that can't be stressed enough: Armin shouldn't have had to fistfight Eren twice, and he shouldn't have had to steal someone else's kill. Now onto that kill...

Should Mikasa have been the one to deal Eren's final blow? In the canon version of the story it's shown, in a rather cringy way, how she has to make up a whole different scenario inside her mind to get the mental strength to kill him. To me, Mikasa instead should've used the devastation caused by the Rumbling to completely break away from Eren's character and to be able to see past the "you're being brainwashed" narrative. Now, besides some of Isayama's interviews, there's other proof to back this up: the Historia-Mikasa parallels in Ending 4 and Ending 1:

Ending 1: https://youtu.be/O4wezNlsxB0

Ending 4: https://youtu.be/o05UK9lXtC0

We see some petty similarities in both: how both girls seem to be inside a pond or a lake, a snip of them running when they were young, etc.; but we also see some more important things for this theory: their growth as a person (how they survived whatever the past cast upon them), and them catching up to the people who they look up to and love.

Now, two things we know about Historia are that her beloved Ymir left her and she had to learn to accept it and move on; and that her sister, Frieda, died and she, without initially knowing even that she'd lost her, had to learn how to live on her own when she was young. Would Mikasa and Eren be able to have an end like that? I think it was implied that it was possible, but other than that, as part of any healthy development of her character, it is important for her to move on just as the Eldian Queen did: even if Eren chose to live a life apart from her (like Ymir did to Historia's early knowledge) or even if he were to die (like Frieda did).

Also, I have some doubts about Mikasa being the one who was supposed to kill Eren, since the one who was foreshadowed to be a Helos' parallel, and who'd fit the role just as well is Reiner, but I won't discuss that here.

So, to me, Mikasa was never an Internationalist, but for the sake of her character, a break-away from Eren should've been a good conclusive act.

As to some other parallels between Mikasa and Historia we have this part:

In which it is implied that they share the same burden by birth, and the same destiny, possibly. Mikasa is shown to be embarrassed about it but Historia seems to be thoroughly delighted.

With this parallel I'd also like to recall two other threads left undone: the Azumabito clan and the Ackerman mystery.

First, the Azumabitos. It's implied that their land is to "the Orient", and we also get a small snip during the Rumbling which implies they have a coast (it's obvious their country is a direct reference to Japan, needless to say). All of which would imply that, as it does in the Real World ™️, Hizuru is almost the Eastern-most Nation of AoT's world as well, and therefore, it may be one of the last countries that the Rumbling would have reached. If you add that they were the first people to send an ambassador to Paradis, you get: Hizuru being the first nation to be included in a possible Internationalist "Alliance" (had it been done in the appropriate time) against the Attack Titan; and you also get that this would increase their possibilities of surviving, at least just in part, the Rumbling.

Why is this important? Because AnR's lyrics do not imply the world will be completely and absolutely obliterated. AnR's lyrics imply the world will live on but the power dynamic of the world will be reversed: Paradis will rule, while the rest will be forced inside the cage.

https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Linked-Horizon/Akatsuki-no-Requiem-TV-Size

Now, the Ackermans. Just as Historia and Zeke posses a special particularity by virtue of birth (they are direct descendants of Ymir), which make them valuable assets to "breed" for whoever is using the Eldians (be it Marley, the Azumabitos, or the First King), I believe the outside world would be interested, at any part of the story, to have an Ackerman in their line of defense against the Eldians. In this case the Mikasa-Historia parallel is strengthened, simply because it would be interesting to see Levi or Mikasa confront that part of their destiny (to make the Ackerman clan continue for the sake of a plan, while acknowledging they're the only survivors). Perhaps Hizuru would've been the country to try and make use of that potential? This parallel was, of course, never used, but it would've been delightful to see it exploited at some point in the AoT timeline. However I acknowledge that continuity is impossible in a world without titans, unless one of the surviving countries on Earth are in serious need of Olympic competitors, of course, so perhaps it should've been mentioned before The Rumbling arc.

.

Well, this turned out to be more like a vent or a rant than a theory now, and I wish I could've had discussed it quietly with someone instead of just posting it here. There are some other nuances to this analysis that I would like to explore in the future (since this isn't thoroughly thought out) In the meantime what do you all think of a new AnR theory like this one? Does it make a little sense? At least a bit? I hope so. Thank you for reading and sorry about the grammar mistakes.

TLDR: I believe Armin, Mikasa, Eren, Historia, Hanji and Levi should have survived and also it's possible for Hizuru to have survived. Please feel free to point out any flaws.

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.