#is bad and toxic? its infantilizing

[k--havok]

Dark Romance Book: This book contains graphic sex, violence and triggering material.

Goodreads Reviewer TM: One star. It had graphic sex and violence and triggering material.

[darkbluekies]

The witty & uncanny pt 3 (finale)

Doctor!yandere OC x reader x mafia!yandere OC

Summary: Stuck with two yanderes, your life is now turned upside down. You're kept asleep and your body is breaking down. The yanderes have won.

Warnings: yandere duo, drugs/medicine, kidnapping, restraints, bruises, blood, "humiliation", “infantilization”, mentions of sexual intimacy, changing readers clothes when they're unconscious, throwing up, following reader to bathroom, washing reader, open ending, indication of reader dying(?), unhealthy behavior, toxicity, reader breaking(?), indication of Stockholm syndrome/giving in.

Word count: 5.8k

Part 2 the outtakes

You run the quickest you can, only hearing your own heartbeat in your own ears. You’ve never been this terrified in your entire life. The gun is still safely tucked away into the pocket of your black hoodie. Your legs are aching badly by now and soon enough, you have to stop to rest. Despite all the adrenaline you’re pumping in your veins, you’re still human. With a quick look around to make sure that you’re alone, you sink down with your back against a tree. You feel for the gun and sigh out, relieved that it's still there. You’re unsure if it is going to help you in this twisted situation, but you’re going to try your best. You can’t do more than that. 

“Y/N!” Silas says. 

You look around, seeing him stand a few meters away. In panic, you shoot up on your feet, but your legs refuse to move further. All you want is to run away, but the sight of him scares you to your core. But you know you have to flee before he wins again. He can’t win again, can’t get what he want. You pick up the gun in a shaking hand, hoping to see him scared … but all he does is smile. A nostalgic, almost fatherly smile. 

“My favorite gun, I’ve missed it”, he says calmly and lifts his dark eyes to you. “But I’ve missed its new owner even more.”

“Leave me alone”, you warn him with make believe courage, “or else I’m going to shoot you.”

Silas lifts a black eyebrow. “Shoot me?”

“I shot the doctor.”

Silas smiles wider and takes a step forward. You force yourself to stand still with your head high. You can’t show how terrified you really are. He’s like a demon, he feeds of off your fear. 

“I must be a bad influence on you, my little thing”, he snickers, putting his hand over his heart. “I never wanted you to take after me. It’s not safe for you. You’re my precious little darling, you shouldn’t run around with a gun. Give it to me and I will take you home safely.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“You really think that? You don’t think I have taken measures to make sure that you’re leaving with me?”

You're about to turn around and run when someone comes up behind you locks their arm around your waist. With a surprised yelp, your back gets pressed into a taller man's build. You squirm around and manage to catch a glimpse of the blonde doctor’s face behind you. You freeze and look back at Silas who’s grinning ear to ear. Less than a second later, a sharp pain from a needle shoots through your neck. 

"Sleep tight", Dr Kry whispers. 

You wake up in the same room you escaped from weeks ago. The only difference? Both your wrists are secured to the railings of the metallic bed by what looks like belt buckles. You start to wiggle your hands in hope of them slipping out, but whoever’s tied you has made sure that you’re not going anywhere. 

The room is foggy no matter how much you blink. You wish you could rub your eyes, but your hands won’t move. 

You try to speak, but you break out in coughs. Your throat is drier than a desert. 

“They’re awake”, Silas says. 

“Good”, Dr Kry answers. 

“They don’t sound too good.”

“Just a side effect from the drug. They need to drink some water.”

You gasp, seeing the doctor move towards you with a paper mug in his hands. The closer he comes, the more you fight against the restraints. If he put drugs in your neck that easily, who knows what he could have put in the water?

“Be careful”, Dr Kry whispers and sits down on a rolling stool next to your bed. He helps you sit up before placing the paper mug to your lips. “Drink a little.”

You shake your head frantically. 

“It’s just water, Y/N”, Dr Kry reassures you and takes a sip himself. “See? Harmless.”

"I don't want anything from you."

You start to squirm against the restraints again. You start to move your legs and manage to kick the paper mug out of his hands. The water splashes over his legs and your blanket. Dr Kry sighs heavily and for a second you’re scared that he’s going to do something to you. You shouldn't have acted so impulsive. Instead, he stands up and wipes his blue overalls. 

“Seems like you have everything in control”, Silas snorts. 

“As if you could do this better”, Dr Kry says and rolls his eyes. 

“Oh, I know I can.”

Silas picks up the paper cup, walks into the bathroom and returns. You watch him carefully, studying his every step as you involuntarily shrink. You know very well what Silas is capable of and what he does when he’s denied anything.

Silas walks over to you, standing right beside your body. You force yourself to keep your eyes on the clock on the wall, to ignore his presence. Silas leans down to your ear.

“Either you drink this voluntarily or I’m forcing you to”, he whispers. 

His hot breath fans your ear in an uncomfortable, animalistic manner. You shrink and swallow, nodding unnoticeably. Silas holds the cup to your lips gently and you open your mouth, letting the water in. Dr Kry watches in amazement how you swallow every single drop of the water. Silas smiles smugly and throws the paper cup in the trash. 

“See, doc?” he purrs and puts his hand on your head, scratching your scalp. “I know how to control our little beast here.” 

"Unbelievable", Dr Kry scoffs. 

You finally turn your head away, being done with his embarrassment. You look down, noticing something.

"Where are my clothes?" you ask in horror.

Sometime during your involuntary nap, at least one of them changed you out of your black hoodie and jeans to a flimsy hospital gown.

"Your clothes are in the backseat of my car", Silas answers calmly. "Since you like to run around the town like a madman, I thought that if you want to do it again, you'll have to look like one as well." 

Your mouth falls open "I-I want my clothes! You're striping me off of my individuality!"

"We're keeping you safe", Dr Kry says and grabs his keys. "Now, I'm going down to the cafeteria to get you something to eat. Any requests?"

"If you think I'm stupid enough to eat it-"

"I take that as a 'no', then."

With that said, Dr Kry leaves the room, locking the door behind him. Silas chuckles.

"That cheeky little bastard doesn't trust me", he says, eyes on the door. "He thinks I'm going to steal you away the very second I get you alone."

"Why wouldn't you?" you question.

Silas turns his dark eyes to you. "Because I gave my word to him. Unfortunately."

"So? You haven't kept your word earlier."

"Of course I have."

You scoff. "Like what? Name one time."

"I swore that I'd get you back." He tilts his head. "Didn't I hold that promise very well?"

You don't answer. You have to physically bite your tongue from spitting something out that you'll have to pay for dearly later on.  

Dr Kry returns with a paper container.

"I got you meatballs", he says. "I hope that's fine."

"I'm not eating that", you mutter. 

"I think you are. I don't think you've forgotten that your hands are a bit occupied — because those restraints seem to hurt — and if you want something, we have to do it for you … which means that we decide if you eat or not. Not you.” He holds the fork to your lips. “Now, open your mouth.”

You turn your head away. 

“Don’t be a brat”, Dr Kry says. 

“I don’t want to eat that!” you whine. “I don’t trust you!”

“I haven’t done anything to it, Y/N. Open up, please.”

Your stomach growls and you sigh, giving in. You open your mouth slightly, just enough to let the food in. Dr Kry smiles proudly. A string of brown sauce runs down your lips and he catches it with the fork before gently placing it into your mouth again, just like one would do with a baby. You cringe. 

“I think our drooly baby here needs a bib”, Silas chuckles from his chair. 

His embarrassing comments always ruins the mood. You pull yourself away form the food again and Dr Kry sighs, turning his head to the gang leader. 

“Are you serious?” he hisses. “I just made them eat. You’re no help.”

Silas holds up his hands in front of him innocently, but his eyes sparkle with mischief. Dr Kry turns back to you and picks up a new spoonful of mashed potatoes and meatballs. You hesitate while glancing at Silas, waiting for him to make another comment.

“Don’t mind him”, Dr Kry says. “Just focus on me, okay?”

You move your eyes to the doctor. He sighs at your teary eyes. 

“Does the restraint hurt?” he asks softly, caressing your left wrist over the belt-looking thing. 

You have barely been able to feel the pain from the leather bands holding you down, but they do sting. You nod to his question, although it’s not the reason why you’re crying. 

“I will remove them”, Dr Kry promises. “But I’ll have to do something else instead. We don’t quite trust you yet.”

“What are you going to do?” you whisper resentfully. 

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll see.” He holds the fork to your lips again. “Open up again, please.”

You comply this time. In silence, you manage to eat the entire container full of food. 

“Now you should take an afternoon nap”, Dr Kry says.

“I’m not a child”, you spit. 

“You sure do act like one”, Silas says, raising one of his dark eyebrows. “Running away, throwing temper tantrums … shooting people.” He stands up from his chair. “If you want to act like one, we’ll treat you like one.”

“Until you start to act like an adult”, Dr Kry adds. “Until then, you better believe that we’ll keep on treating you like you’re five. Now, time for a nap.”

He helps you lie down again. You refuse to close your eyes, refuse to let them out of your sight. They don’t talk much to each other. Silas is sitting in his chair with his phone out and Doctor Kry is by his desk, filing paperwork. 

You want to scream when you feel the need to go to the bathroom. For thirty minutes, you try suppressing it. Asking to go feels more humiliating than Silas wanting to give you a baby bib.

“I need to go to the bathroom”, you say lowly. 

The two of them look up immediately. 

“What did you say?” Dr Kry asks. 

“Bathroom”, you repeat shortly.

“Absolutely. I'll help you.”

He stands up and walks over to the bed. You breathe out a sigh of relief as the restraints disappear from your arms. Quickly, you sit up and massage your sore wrists. There’s clear marks after the leather bands, a bit of blood as well. Dr Kry takes your hands in his, inspecting. He hisses. 

“We’ll have to put bandage on that”, he says. “You shouldn’t have moved too much.”

Silas walks over to you to inspect your wrists. He twists and turns to see every angle before placing a kiss on both marks. You flinch, ripping your arms back in shock. 

“Come now, Y/N”, Dr Kry says and puts his hand on your back. “Let’s go to the bathroom.”

“T-Together?” you question. 

“You could hurt yourself. There are things in there you could use to harm yourself with. Im not letting that happen.”

Damn him and his professionalism. 

You sigh heavily, giving up, silently relieved that it’s not Silas. Dr Kry follows you into the bathroom, standing by in silence. He doesn't give you a spare glance, staying as professional as he is. You wash your hands and sigh at the marks in your wrists.

"Let's get that patched up", he smiles.

"This is humiliating", you say weakly. 

"It's just a precaution. I can't let you hurt yourself."

You show your wrists to him, eyebrows raised. 

"That is a different case", he says.

A harsh knock can be heard on the door.

"Don't try anything, doc", Silas warns on the other side. "When are you coming out?"

Dr Kry massages his nose bridge with his index finger and thumb, sighing heavily. He unlocks the door and walks you out. While Dr Kry walks over to his desk, Silas walks back to his chair with his phone. You glance towards the door. Whatever Dr Kry had in mind to give you to substitute for the restraints will be sure to keep you bedridden. This is your only chance. None of their eyes are on you. Quickly, you shoot towards the door with all the power you have in your body. As on demand, the two men let go of their things and hurry after. You manage to grab the door handle before Silas has grabbed your shoulders and Dr Kry your arm.

"Where do you think you're going?" Silas asks, pulling you back. 

"Let go of me!" you shout.

"Doc, whatever you had planned you better use it now."

Doctor Kry jogs over to his desk again and grabs a needle. You squirm in Silas’s grip and plead the doctor to put the syringe away.

"Stay still and it won't hurt as much", Dr Kry says, holding his hand on the base of your throat. "Deep breaths, count backwards from ten."

"No, please!" you scream desperately. 

Silas covers your mouth with his rough hand and in the next second, the needle penetrates your skin. What feels like a stinging, burning sensation spirals through your body, effectively numbing it.

"Good job, almost there", Dr Kry praises. "Keep on breathing, you're doing great."

You feel your body growing weak in Silas embrace. He tightens his arms to keep you held up. You eventually stop fighting.

"Good job, Y/N, you did so well", Dr Kry smiles, removing the needle from your neck. "Silas, put them into bed."

Silas scoops you up like a bride on the wedding night and carries you back to your bed. Dr Kry starts to take care of your wrists and soon they're wrapped in white, comfy bandage. 

After dinner — which consists of another meatball meal — they decide that you should go to sleep. But you refuse. They could do anything to you when you’re asleep. You don’t want to be moved again, you don’t want to be acknowledged. 

“Y/N, close your eyes”, Silas says. “You’re just torturing yourself by being awake.”

“I don’t want to sleep!” you whine. 

You wish that you could do something, but your body is feeling heavy and numb. You’re not sure where your limbs are or if they're held by one of the two men. Your body is already asleep, you should be too according to Silas and Dr Kry.

"Alright, I'm done with this", Dr Kry says after a long silence.

He stands up and walks over to the machines by your bed. You scurry to the other side of the bed with the little power you have left in your body.

"What are you doing?" Silas asks. "Don't do something without my approval."

"If Y/N won't sleep voluntarily, I'm going to help them", Dr Kry answers and lifts down a plastic mask connected to one of the machines by a tube. He pulls out a rubber band thats supposed to hold the mask latched onto the face. "Here, let me just put this over your nose and mouth-"

You cover the lower part of your face with your shaking hands. Your eyes glow with fear. They can numb your body until it's unmovable, but your eyes will always stay alert and alive. 

"Y/N, please", Dr Kry sighs, putting his free hand over yours, about to pry yours off your face. "Just let me-"

You hide your face down in your arm. He stops and looks at you. Your body is trembling like a leaf swirling in the wind. 

"Y/N, it's just anesthesia", he says comfortingly. "It'll help your mind relax so you can sleep. It's not going to hurt you."

He tries to move close again, but your crying halts his movements.

"Please …", you whisper weakly, shaking your head. "Please don't …"

Dr Kry sighs heavily, looks at Silas and then places the plastic mask on your stomach in defeat.

"Alright", he says. "I'm not going to force you. If you want to use it, just hold it over your mouth and inhale the gas."

He returns to his desk. Silas is about to stand up, but a particular strict gaze from the doctor makes him sit down again. He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. Sometimes you wonder if Silas is the one behaving like a child. After all, he throws tantrums, runs away from problems and shoots people. But if you said that out loud, you'd spend a month in his basement.

You stay awake for another hour out of spite, but you can feel how your body wants the sweet prize of sleep. You try to shut your eyes and drift of to sleep, but all the worries and thoughts about what they could do to you when you're out is stopping you from actually falling asleep. Your head is pounding with fear and minute by minute, you're slowly drifting to insanity. 

You glance at the mask and hesitantly lift it to your face, making sure to cover both nose and mouth. Carefully, you give in and breathe the strong gas into your lungs. It doesn't take long until your head clouds up. The mask slips out of your hands and your head rests against the pillow.

Dr Kry looks up from his papers and sighs out in relief. Quietly, he moves over to you and picks up the mask, pulling out the rubber band to wrap around your head. The mask stays in place over your face.

"How long will that work?" Silas asks and stands up.

"It'll work for as long as we keep the mask on them", Dr Kry says. "We can make them sleep for as long as we want."

Silas fixes a strand of your hair that has been caught by the rubber band with a gentle smile. 

"Are they usually this difficult?" Dr Kry wonders, raising a blonde eyebrow.

"Yes", Silas says. "That's why I've managed to develop a technique. You can't be soft with them, you have to be strict and force them. Otherwise they'll refuse and fight. Like today."

"No wonder they hate you."

Silas picks up the gun he stole back from you, placing it under Dr Kry’s chin. The blonde man doesn't react.

"They don't hate me", Silas growls. "Don't make me fucking shoot you."

"Are we back to this?" Dr Kry sighs, nodding his chin down on the gun testingly. "I have told you were to happen if you shoot me here. I wouldn't test my luck if I were you."

"You're such a clever thing, aren't you? God, you piss me off." 

Nonetheless, Silas puts the gun back in his waistband. Dr Kry looks down at his phone, looking annoyed.

"I have to go help another doctor with a surgery, can you watch Y/N?" he asks. "Don't leave the room unless necessary and don't touch anything. Wrong button and you've hurt them."

"What will stop me from going through your drawers?"

"Your morality, I hope. I'll see you later."

With that said, he walks out and locks the door.

“‘Don't leave’, he said”, Silas scoffs and strolls over to your bed, lying down beside you. “How the fuck did he think I'd do that if he locks the door? My pretty baby, you are so precious, that pesky doctor doesn't know how to handle you.”

He knows you can’t hear him, but he finds it nicely to talk to you without you cursing at him in return. Silas smiles at you and pulls you closer to his body, hiding your face into his chest. He secures the rubber band in the back of your head with a small smile.

“Get the fuck of out the bed”, Dr Kry sighs as he enters the room two hours later. “You’ll break it.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time I broke a bed”, Silas grins, pulling you closer to his chest. 

Dr Kry grimaces. “Oh my God, be quiet, that’s disgusting.”

“Why? You’re a doctor, shouldn’t you be able to talk about those kind of things?”

“Do you ever just keep your mouth shut?”

“I could, but why not use my mouth for the greater good?”

“You’re not Superman, now get out of the bed.”

Silas sighs heavily and rolls his eyes. He starts to move out of the bed gently, making sure that you won’t get hurt. Before walking to the chair, he places a kiss on your forehead. With a smirk, he pets Dr Kry on the shoulder.

“Why so stiff, doc?” he asks amusingly, raising his eyebrows. “Haven’t you gotten laid in a while?”

“My sexlife is none of your business and yours is none of mine, so be quiet”, Dr Kry answers murderously cold and turns to his desk. 

Silas smiles widely, almost like a school boy. 

“You really like getting on people’s nerves, don’t you?” Dr Kry asks over his shoulder. 

“No, just yours”, Silas smiles and sits down in his chair. 

Dr Kry grits his teeth. “What an honor.”

Silas looks down at his phone, noticing a new message from his right hand man. 

“Those stupid- … I have to go”, he growls and stands up, grabbing his coat. “Seems like I have to do everything myself! I’ll be back in an hour, don’t do anything to Y/N without my approval, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, just go”, Dr Kry says. “If it’s urgent, take the back door, there’s a special elevator for that.”

“Thanks, doc.”

With that said, he runs out. Dr Kry decides to sneak over to you and fix your blanket and mask. He caresses your cheek and sighs out in satisfaction. You look so sweet. So innocent. He touches the bandage on your wrists. Why did you have to fight so harshly? He doesn’t like seeing you hurt. 

Dr Kry sits by his desk until Silas is back, an hour later, blood covering his clothes. 

“What happened?” Dr Kry gasps. 

“Shit happened”, Silas mutters. “Can I take a shower or something?”

“Yeah, sure. There are a towel in the bathroom and a bathrobe for patients. Wash the clothes in the sink and hang them somewhere.”

“Thanks.”

Silas walks into the bathroom and undresses. He thinks about you and the hospital. There’s nothing he’d like more than to bring you home and keep you in his bedroom again, but it’s not safe for you. It never was, but he had nowhere else to keep you. Here, you have doctor Kry to keep an eye on you when he has to work … and no one knows you’re here. Maybe he should keep you here? The doctor has everything necessary to keep you where they want you. Silas sighs and runs his hand through his wet, black hair. The water is hitting him in the face, but there’s something comforting about it. 

He returns ten minutes later, wearing the white bathrobe. 

“Do you think Y/N could stay here long term?” Silas asks. 

“Yes, of course”, Dr Kry answers. “This room is mine, I can keep whoever I want in here for as long as I want.”

“Perfect.” He sits down by your bed, lifting your hand and giving it a gentle kiss. “Doc, if I pay for every medicine you need, could you keep Y/N safe while I’m working?”

“I’d do it even if you didn’t pay me.”

Silas smiles slightly.

Days go by, turning into weeks. You’re kept asleep for the most part, only woken up to use the bathroom, eat and wash yourself. You’re too drowsy and confused to do anything yourself. The two men take turns in helping your limp body. It’s an exhausting, dissociation feeling. You don’t know what time nor day it is when you wake up, and you certainly don’t know how long they’ve kept you asleep. You barely feel real. You’re starting to wonder if the real you is a small spider in the corner of the room, looking at the half dead human in the bed.

You’re sitting completely bare in the bathtub, hugging your knees close to your chest as Silas washes your hair. You don’t care about neither Silas or Dr Kry seeing your most vulnerable areas anymore. They’ve seen it all by now and you’re too gone to care. They’re keeping you alive, you’re grateful for that. Almost … a little too grateful. A guilty, shameful gratefulness. You should take care of your own body, two men shouldn’t have to do it for you! You’re ashamed of letting your life be controlled by them, but you’re happy that they’re taking care of your basic needs — at least. You sigh. You have to get a grip of yourself before it’s too late. 

There’s a heavy feeling that has started eating you up from the inside. Something is building up in your stomach and is resting in the bottom of your throat. You want to burp, but you’re not able to, it keeps getting stuck. Every part of your body is aching, everything is wrong and on edge. You can’t take it anymore and finally allow yourself to break down in tears. Silas is quick to turn off the shower and turn your body to him. 

“What’s wrong, little thing?” he asks worriedly, fixing your wet hair. 

“I feel so sick”, you sob. 

“It’s okay, it’s just the medicine. It’ll go away.”

He holds your wet face between his hands and kisses your forehead. 

“I know it’s hard”, he says. "But you're my little champion, aren't you?"

Through your tears, you manage to nod. You have to be some kind of champion after everything you’ve been through. 

Silas smiles reaches for the shower handle. "Are you doing fine? Should I continue?"

You nod, feeling completely out of it. Is this state making you lose your mind? Why did you kiss him back? Why are you answering him at all? Why are you taking his words to heart? Get a grip on yourself. He continues to wash your hair, now more touchy after your accidental affection. You curl up, sighing. Get a grip.

You're lifted out of the tub in a towel. Silas helps you dress in the bathrobe and makes you stay in front of the mirror while he dries your hair with the towel. 

"Look at yourself, look how pretty you are", he smiles, placing a kiss in the top of your head.

You shiver and shake your head. After these last couple of weeks in a make believe coma and being stuck with these men you can no longer feel any empathy towards you. You’re disappointed in yourself for starting to cave in and you look half dead. How can you be pretty?

“You don’t think you’re pretty?” Silas gasps and hugs you from behind. “Nonsense, baby. You’re the most beautiful thing on this wretched planet. I wish you could let me show you how much I adore you.” He kisses your neck. “I’d make you feel so good, make you feel like the only person in the world. You’d never doubt yourself again, I promise. Please, will you let me take care of you?”

You shake your head. If you give yourself to him, you’ll never get out of his grip again and you know that very well. The very thought of it makes you sick to your stomach once again. You hold your hand over your weirdly aching stomach, frowning. Something’s creeping up your throat.

“What’s wrong?” Silas asks. 

“I still feel sick”, you whisper. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

Silas acts quickly. He pushes you towards the toilet, forces you down on your knees and opens the lid and pulls your hair out of your face. 

“Go for it, I got you”, he says. 

As if on commando — and maybe his rough actions — you empty everything Dr Kry’s forced down your throat the last few days. Your body hasn’t been able to digest much correctly when you’ve been forced to sleep for hours on end. You’re not sure much in your body is working right for the moment being. 

“What’s going on?” Dr Kry asks worriedly and enters the bathroom. “What’s wrong, Y/N?”

“You’re the doctor!” Silas says. “Shouldn’t you know?”

“I’ll do an examination. When they’re done, take them out to the bed and I’ll take a look.”

Silas nods and turns to you, helping you.

“You’re doing good, Y/N”, Silas says. “Get it out.”

“It smells”, you whine with a grimace.

“You’re a champion, baby, aren’t you? You can push through.”

You whine tiredly. After a few more minutes of pure hell, you’re finally empty. Silas wipes your mouth with some paper and flushes the toilet. He carries you back to the bed where Dr Kry is waiting. You’re sat down. 

“Okay, Y/N”, Dr Kry says. “I have some suspicions, but I need to test you.”

He performs a medical test on you to make sure that his medicine hasn't had too bad of an effect on you. He's counted on you feeling weak and heavy, but he couldn't have prepared himself for your digestion giving up.

"What's wrong with me?" you ask carefully, fearing the worst. 

"I'm afraid that your digestion might need some help." Dr Kry reaches for the oxygen mask. "I'll figure something out while-"

"No, please don't make me sleep again!"

Dr Kry halts with the mask in hand. 

“I think it’s the gas making me like this …”, you say. “Doctor, please don’t make me sleep again, I’ll be quiet and let you work.”

“I’ll keep an eye on them, doc”, Silas says, moving closer to the bed. “Just work.”

Silas sits beside you and lets you play games on his phone. He smiles gently everytime you manage to win a round of Candy Crush. Dr Kry smiles from his desk at your focused facial expressions. The two men relax, finally you’re showing some signs of giving it. You’re not crying, not fighting, just enjoying the moment by distracting yourself. They hope it can stay like this, but they both know all of this is on borrowed time. 

“Do you still feel sick?” Dr Kry asks after a while. 

“I’m feeling weird, but I’m not sure how to describe it”, you say quietly, suddenly shrinking again when remembering your awful situation. “It’s a bit better after I got to throw up … but I’m scared to eat. I don’t want to feel like that again.”

“I’m going to go get some tea for you to see if it can help your digestion. After that, I think you should go back to sleep.”

Dr Kry leaves the room. You turn to Silas with pleading eyes. 

“Why do I have to sleep?” you ask carefully. “I don't want to. It’s so terrifying waking up and not knowing how much time has passed. I’m missing out on life …”

“When you’re asleep, you don’t have to feel any of the bad feelings or see what a horrible place we live in”, Silas answers, fixing your hair. “You’re safe from everything.”

You look down in your lap to get away from those dark, lovesick eyes of his. Silas slides over his phone to you again. 

“Distract yourself, baby”, he says. “You’ll soon get some tea and then you’ll be feeling better. Keep on playing your little games. You look so cute when you focus.”

You decide to keep your mouth shut and do what he says. You manage to do two rounds of Subway Surfers before Dr Kry is back with a steaming cup in his hand.

“Here, Y/N”, he says and gives you the cup. “This should get your organs up and running.”

“I won’t throw up again, right?” you ask carefully. 

“No, you won’t.”

You sip on it, taking your sweet time with a glance towards the oxygen mask. Will this be your life from now on? Kept asleep and only awoken when someone else wants you to be?

“Are you done?” Dr Kry asks after a while. 

You look down in the cup. Empty. You gulp. 

“No …”, you lie and pretend to take another sip. 

“You’ve been sitting with that for ten minutes now. If you’re not done with it, it’s mostly likely ice cold by now.”

“When I’m done, you’ll make me sleep …”, you say. “So if i don’t finish it you can’t make me.”

“You little brat”, Silas laughs. “You’re so cute.”

“Why don’t you want to sleep, Y/N?” Dr Kry asks. “You’re not having to worry about anything, you can just relax. We’re waking you up when there’s nothing bad happening.”

“It’s not fair”, you whisper, shaking your head.

“Life’s not fair, peach”, Silas says and stands up, grabbing the mask. “Time to nap, little thing. Don’t worry, we will be here to protect you.”

You want to fight back, want to protest, but your body has given up. You know that there’s no use. They’ll get their way no matter how much you disagree. The mask gets once again placed over your face.

“Such a good patient”, Dr Kry praises as if he’s read your thoughts. “Letting us do whatever we want to you.”

You send him a gaze you intend to be a glare, but your head has already fogged up. Silas helps you lay down and the last thing you feel before everything turns into that familiar yet terrifying pitch blackness, is the soft pillow against your back. Silas tucks you in, making sure that none of your limbs are in any uncomfortable position. He sighs, stepping back. The two men look at each other with fear in their eyes, both knowing that this won’t work forever. Today was only one sign of the damage they do to you. Your body will fully break down someday, and that day might be the day they’ll lose you forever. But for now, they’ll keep you in the land of dreams where nothing can hurt you — not even you.

[natsmagi]

some more natsume gender posting but i do admittedly get very annoyed when i see people claim natsume hates things related to femininity because thats just. Blatantly not true. i did make a post a little while back talking about natsumes gender generally (might be a lil dated by now but eh), but there are some additional points id like to make

first thing being natsume very much enjoys more feminine things!! particularly things related to baking/gardening because thats what he would do with his mom when he was little!!!! (plus his newly added skill being cooking!)

with this and his undying love for his mom in mind, does it not make sense for natsume to hold feminine activities fondly? not only is he quite good at it, but it reminds him of his childhood spent with his mom!! he looks up to her alot!! and hes also thankful for the childhood he had because it makes him feel more unique. literally how does any of this read as a hatred towards femininity or his upbringing??? his mom is literally his number 1 inspiration and shes the reason he had this upbringing to begin with. Frankly the assumption that he hates feminine things just flat out does not make sense

and he doesnt even necessarily mind things like "-chan" either. though this one depends entirely on the person. for example kanata is allowed to call natsume nacchan but if tsumugi calls him natsume-chan blood will be spilt. to re-emphasize the point made in my previous post; natsumes biggest concern is being viewed as weak. he hates being infantilized more than anything. when tsumugi calls natsume "natsume-chan" thats not tsumugi feminizing natsume, thats tsumugi reminiscing on the child natsume he used to know. when tsumugi calls natsume "natsume-chan" it feels like hes not being taken seriously, that hes still viewed as a child, that he hasnt matured (which is also why he doesnt like being called "cute" bc. yknow. kids r cute). and this is a REALLY big insecurity of his. he hates being viewed as naive. In the same vein though, natsume is insecure about not being manly enough too (such as him viewing his inability to swim as "not manly"). Which is also a really interesting point of discussion when it comes to natsumes character! but its important to note that his insecurity in his masculinity does NOT translate to a hatred of femininity. natsumes relationship with gender is an incredibly nuanced one and its so frustrating when people dont even bother trying to read into it and just completely generalize his character

with that said natsume DOES have some internalized misogyny though. But this ones kinda hard to navigate as. well. Almost the entire cast has had some to a certain extent at some point. esp in the early stories. which could all just be bad writing. But it adds to the complexities of femininity and womanhood, how the two are often associated despite being distinct from one another. and with this distinction between the two it adds ANOTHER interesting layer to natsume and his own relationship with gender, because we know he didnt mind being raised as a girl (its just incredibly fucking embarrassing that people know about it), yet his views on gender seem kind of........ Conservative. with him assuming anzu is bad at games bc shes a girl, claiming arashis lying to kids by calling herself a princess, worried that people will view him as less of a man for being unable to swim, etc etc. Like you truly cannot just read ONE story and think you now have a full grasp on natsume and his relationship with his gender. i cannot stress enough how complex it is. but this complexity is exactly what makes it resonate. if you're insecure, it makes sense for you to develop a toxic habit of punching down in order to get higher, esp since we know natsume doesnt handle his emotions super well

this section will be very speculatory and is just my own personal analyzis, so dont take it as gospel. But from my understanding it seems like natsume does genuinely enjoy more feminine things, but hes caught up in gender expectations (potentially due to him knowing both what its like to be a girl and a guy?) that this can cause him to say admittedly quite bigoted things due to his insecurities. natsume is a character that wants to be perceived a certain way; he wants to be cool, mysterious, alluring, but as we should all know by now This is a front he puts on. he very often puts on fronts and lies about his true nature and intentions. which all reads like a fear of authenticity. i dont think natsume genuinely holds those beliefs previously listed, he is just afraid of being vulnerable and, once again, having weak points exposed. he was told to be a girl when he was little and now hes basically told to be a guy without having the Common Guy Upbringing, which can easily turn into developing beliefs of toxic masculinity if you're the type who "plays the part" rather than being your authentic self. hes being told what a man is by the world around him so he tried to shape himself into it to play the part. He can be very blunt and cruel in his words to others, but i personally just see it as a projection from his end. its an attempt at making himself seem better and manlier than he actually is by using his words where hes lacking in action. You can pull off alot of mind games with a simple sentence alone. words can paint a deceiving picture if used correctly, and natsume is a fortune teller; if anyone knows how to say the right thing to get a certain impression from someone its him

i do also think its important to note that as time goes on natsume is starting to express himself genuinely more. Just like the rest of the enstars cast; his story is one of growth and bettering yourself as a person. coming to terms with who you are and learning to let others in

either way. im not one to gatekeep but i need ppl who dont read switch stories to stop speaking so definitively on natsumes relationship with his gender or im gonna start throwing rocks at people

TLDR this shit is NUANCED and to say its 100% this or 100% that does it a disservice to me

[sleep-token-confessions]

I'm going to be honest, I struggle to understand what the fandoms hatred for booktok is. I'm not too familiar with booktok so maybe i need more context. But from my perspective the hate seems to be "women are having horny thoughts that make ME personally uncomfortable" rather than anything actually harmful. Sleep token intentionally leave their music up for interpretation, incorporate sexual/romantic themes into their music on purpose, and do fanservice-y things on stage. So as long as no ones actually sexually harassing the band members at concerts, are keeping thirst posting in appropriate spaces, and arent being awful about whatever life experiences Vessel may have used as inspiration for the lyrics, then i really dont see why its bad? I think theres a lot of unchecked misogyny in the fandom, as well as an unwillingness to agree to disagree on personal interpretations due to the personal attachment people have to the lyrics. Its bizarre to me especially since sleep token intentionally uses a mix of genuine adoration for the subject of the songs and also acknowledgement that whatever relationship they have is toxic and that those things can coexist in a toxic relationship. Why cant we say that the music is both romantic/sexy AND also that if your real life relationships resemble some songs then that is concerning? And why cant we also say that its okay to have horny thoughts/express your horny thoughts as long as you arent screaming them at concerts or saying awful things about whatever real life trauma Vessel may have experienced? It honestly drives me up the wall, and some comments about what Vessel may have experienced in life feel less like reasonable concern and more like infantilization of a grown adult who may or may not be mentally ill/traumatized but is still nonetheless a grown adult who chose to incorporate romantic/sexual elements in his art (i dont say that in a victim blaming way, im not okay with people screaming sexual comments at concerts, just that its okay to respond to these elements in the music/stage presence in appropriate non-sexually-harassing ways). I hope ive explained myself well, i just get very frustrated with the fandom and i have my own personal relationship with the music that leaves me baffled at how people think im a "bad fan" just because they cant personally relate to my perspective and i also am not fully sure what people mean by "booktok sleep token fans"

.

[deripmaver]

Which is worse, rape or murder? - Or, should Casca have died during the Eclipse?

Unlike most of my meta posts, this is one I'm making as a direct critique of a specific take I've seen. It's similar to my meta about apostle Casca in that regard, where I want to look at a specific idea and why I dislike it, as opposed to wanting to explore my thoughts on an aspect of canon. To be clear, this is only something I do if I've seen a take a bunch of times, enough so I know it's not a one-off. It's also not something I do because I want to engage in discussion with the people who've said whatever the take is, it's something I do in case other people who agree with me might be interested in a meta post that's more in line with their viewpoint.

I provide this disclaimer because, as I've said a few times now, the idea that it's the better choice to have Casca die during the eclipse is one that I just really dislike, and I make that preeeeetty fuckin clear. I can't control who sees this or who comments, but I did think I should make my stance explicit.

Berserk fandom is an absolute treasure trove of bad takes about rape and sexual assault. Considering the seriousness with which the manga takes rape, despite it's sometimes quite dodgy framing and portrayal, the fact that the fandom is Like That is fully a testament to cishet men's inability to consume media without turning into a brainless amoeba of toxicity.

I have to say, though, what shocked me the most was that this particular take, that Casca should have just died during the eclipse, was not from the dudebro side of fandom ('cause if she had they couldn't make their silly little "casca enjoyed it" jokes).

I'm coming right out of the gate with my opinion, which is a firm no, Casca should not have died during the eclipse, and the story would be weaker if she had. I'm going to presume during this analysis that the people who say this assume that her death would be instead of her rape, as opposed to her being raped and then dying, which would be... Horrific. Even more horrific than canon, lol.

I do have sympathy for some of the people who wish she had died, and in a way I understand, though I vehemently disagree. Some of the posts with this POV sound almost traumatized as they proclaim I wish she would have died, it would have been better. As this is something I've only noticed in the tumblr fandom side of things, where most people are women, I think this comes from women readers feeling furious and sick about one of the most vile rape scenes out there. In some ways its intentionally vile, in others - ie how grotesquely sexualized it is - it's unintentional. Then, of course, she continues to suffer in her disabled, infantilized trauma state. I hear these readers wanting to shout at Miura that he should have just killed her off rather than force her, and us, through reading that. It would have been kinder.

I have... Far less sympathy for others. There's a side of fandom that simply does not care about Casca (in a different way than the dudebros who don't care about her despite gushing about how she's peak tomboy waifu). It's amazing the veneer of progressivism these people put on as they say that Casca should have died, because she did not contribute to the narrative before the eclipse, and she certainly hasn't after. Going to get even spicier for a second and point out fandom's long history of wanting female characters dead because they get in the way of mlm ships, and how I think this is SOMETIMES simply another manifestation of it.

To be fully fucking clear, I do NOT think that being a grffgts shipper (censored so this doesn't show up in the tag LOLLLLL) precludes being shitty about Casca. I think tumblr's demographics, and those demographics' typical shipping preferences, mean that grffgts is naturally going to dominate. By simple statistics, most of the people whose opinions I hate are going to be grffgts shippers. Same with most of the people's opinions I like on tumblr tbh. I do, however, think it's prudent to point out old school fandom misogyny, and how I personally feel it's showing up in the fandom, and also point out that it pisses me off that Casca dying during the eclipse is at all presented as the least misogynistic outcome.

I'm also going to say now that this is firmly being kept in the realm of fiction. In real life, there are horrific discussions about how being a victim of rape defiles you for life, and that it's better to die without the "shame" of being raped than live with it. While I have to be blunt it's difficult for me to separate some of the discussion of Casca dying during the eclipse from that anti-survivor bias I see in real life just because ~we live in a society~, I in general think this sentiment is coming from a place of simply analyzing, narratively, which outcome is less misogynistic given how the rape in canon is portrayed.

Would it narratively have been better for Casca to have died? What about the impact of her death versus her current storyline?

First, I think I need to outline my interpretation of the eclipse rape. I don't think that the decision to have Griffith rape Casca was Miura simply being a misogynistic cishet dude who threw in rape for the hell of it. I also don't think it's OOC. Again, there's much to critique in how it's drawn, but not in the fact that it happened. Griffith, in his moments of feeling out of control and powerless, uses sexual advances to reassert his control over the situation - see Charlotte, or the wagon scene with Casca. A distaste for sexual violence committed by his enemies doesn't mean Griffith is incapable of wielding sexual violence as a weapon himself. In real life, there's a paradox where rape committed by political or social enemies is seen as the worst crime one could ever commit, while the mundane rape committed as a consequence of patriarchy is excusable and the victims should be blamed and shamed. Did Miura have the gender studies acumen to think about that when writing? I dunno, but neither does anyone who thinks he didn't.

I also think it's supposed to establish his actions during the eclipse as fully over the moral event horizon. Without it, it's easy to ask if ultimately, Griffith's decision to sacrifice his followers to a cruel death is justified to create a perfect utopia. With it, it establishes Griffith as acting fully on cruel, malicious impulse in moments of emotional turmoil, which puts his future utopia in jeopardy. I can't be the only one who sees Falconia as a ticking time bomb. Of course, this doesn't mean he needed to rape Casca, but simply that I think it was necessary to his character to do something that crossed that moral line. He could have raped Guts I suppose. Killerbambi has entered the chat.

While I think this might sound strange, I actually think it's immensely validating to have a character who is a victim not just of rape, but of rape committed by someone she already knew. That's genuinely unique in media on the whole, which plays into that paradox I mentioned earlier - in real life, the vast majority of assaults are committed by someone the victim knew. Having the story surround the continual, horrific trauma of betrayal, of having to watch the person who hurt you move on while trauma keeps you in horrible stasis is almost so realistic it's... uncomfortable. Painful. Hard to read.

There's no greater purpose to what happened to Casca. She didn't grow from it, instead she regressed.

Her general lack of agency post-eclipse is much critiqued in the fandom and like. Fucking yeah fair LOLLLLLL BUT ALSO... But also. Fandom on the whole can be so cruel about traumatized female characters, like there's no way they can do trauma "right." In Casca's case, her lack of agency is turned into a reason she should simply have been killed off instead, as though there aren't so many survivors who, while not as literally as she does, retreat into a shell of themselves and are frozen with trauma as the world begins to pass them by. Of course, the critique would be that she's not a real person, she's a female character written in a misogynistic way by a man, but I personally think this overstates Miura's issues with his portrayal of rape. To me, it presents what they think are his biases as justification for their own biases.

Time and time again, I see survivors discuss feeling validated by Casca's trauma response after being assaulted. Even the parts of the rape scene that I vehemently dislike, such as the hyper-focus on Casca's body and the physical reactions she's having, I've seen more than one person say they felt validated because they too had an unwanted arousal response during an assault. I'll still critique the scene, but regardless of if this was Miura's intention, its impact is clear.

I'll again plug this article by Jackson P. Brown, How Berserk’s Casca challenges the myth of the “Strong Black Woman.” Just to show a quote from it:

All of the action of the story after Conviction Arc is in service of restoring Casca's mind. During Conviction Arc and after, Casca has groups of women who love and protect her, with women as her source of safety. Guts is single mindedly focused on bringing her back, putting his body on the line again and again to protect her and restore her. I wondered about including Guts here because I'm sure I'll get some anon about the Beast of Darkness, which again fair LOL. I have complicated feelings on that, but mostly I think the importance the narrative puts on her mind and her protection is touching, and I think this outweighs how the negative things apparently mean that she should have died.

Her story and trauma, despite its flaws, is shockingly realistic and validating to so many people. She's also a key narrative component post-eclipse, and not just ~for Guts' manpain~ or as a helpless plot device, her story is her own. I've written about Elaine as a character and what she represents, but in brief, Casca doesn't disappear after the eclipse. Miura wrote Elaine with these moments where Casca comes to the surface, and while I wish we had more of her POV I think you can look at how she's coping from how Elaine reacts to the world around her.

I also think it's necessary to have Casca at the Hill of Swords. There's Guts, who Griffith torments in the way only a bitter ex can, and Rickert, who doesn't know what happened the day of the eclipse, but I think Casca is the key component in that scene that cuts through all of Griffith's posturing and Guts' anger. She is there, making the real, human cost of what Griffith did during the eclipse unignorable in a way that no other character could. It's one thing for Guts to be furious with him and Rickert ignorant, it's another to have someone who loved him so innocently and dearly trembling just at the sight of him. Let's not pretend that the depth of betrayal in this scene would be the same if you swapped her for, say, Judeau.

It's funny, Miura is quoted as saying that his initial reason for keeping Casca alive was to provide Guts an ever-burning flame of vengeance, an eternal reminder of everything that he lost during the eclipse. What's wound up happening, on a meta level, is that Casca provides the reader a constant reminder of what happened during the eclipse. As more and more focus is given to her PTSD with her revival, the cruelty with which Griffith acted (and continues to act) becomes harder and harder to ignore. It becomes more difficult to push it aside as just bad, misogynistic writing.

And also, quite simply, I like narratives about trauma recovery, and therefore I'll always find Casca's story worth telling despite my frustration with a lot of it. It's absolutely wild to me that for how often I see the fandom complain about her being "fridged" they think it would have been better to see her ACTUALLY fridged, no chance of coming back at all, just dead to fuel Guts' revenge arc. Would it really be better to have her be just another dead girlfriend? Really?

That's really what it comes down to. I like Casca as a character, and I want her to have lived. The people who wish she had died, many of them simply don't like her as a character. Not all, particularly in that first group I mentioned at the start, but many. Everyone has their preferences of course, but I don't think I need to respect when someone thinks a character has so little influence on the narrative that they should have just died, especially if that character is Casca.

If Casca had died during the eclipse, it would not have been a good death. It would not have been brave, or triumphant, or worth anything for her as a character. Judeau died to protect Casca, but even his death was not brave, it was just sad. That's the whole point of the eclipse.

To have Casca die that way would be a disservice to her as a character, far moreso than to have her struggle on as a traumatized victim of sexual violence. That's genuinely what I believe.

[luxe-pauvre]

In fact, it could be argued that so-called ‘toxic positivity’ is more hazardous a phenomenon than the matter-of-fact attitude of negativity. In vogue as a psychological phenomenon, toxic positivity is essentially the idea that negative emotions are inherently ‘bad’ and that the most suitable response to emotional turmoil or pain is always a positive mindset (however inappropriate that may be.) Indeed, toxic positivity at large has become so ubiquitous as to represent something of an inculcated attitude in some people’s everyday interactions with one another. It is the (often unintentional) gaslighting platitudes desperately rendered in response to negativity. “Everything happens for a reason,” the terminally ill patient hears; “It could be worse,” someone bleats as another loses their job; or, “At least you have your health,” says the friend to a fresh divorcée. More explicitly, the cultural sensation of #goodvibesonly exhibits an almost cultist traction and boasts 12.8 million posts on Instagram. Predictably, the trend is one where social media influencers – preaching from the pulpit of the self-proclaimed life coach – evangelize an unhealthy denial of anything that might trouble the waters of their fragile world. Unimaginably utopian beach selfies are accompanied by the banal slogans of cultist optimism; while the good vibes may tell you that ‘you can do anything you set your mind to’, the untenable positivity is both unshielded and unsafe. In its stress-inducing suppression and dangerous infantilism, the almost dogmatic nature of toxic positivity inhibits raw human emotion and invalidates the necessary negative feelings we all have in life. The blindly optimistic lunge towards a meretricious idea of positivity is one deeply traced by the logic of 21st-century capitalism and its ceaseless drives for production. We should not police our emotions. Perpetual happiness is impossibly perilous and the attempt to suppress the lows of life can create deep-seated stress, which is detrimental to physical health and mental wellbeing.

Enis Yucekoralp, The Art of Negativity: On Rejecting Positive Thinking

[silverskull]

Nobody asked me (i.e. the one Anon that has been going around asking EVERYONE "why Tim disrespected Lucy"), but yo. Show me you are emotionally immature, plotline inexperienced and have low critical thinking skills, without etc., etc.

Tiktok and IG are POISON. Like, neither of them are a community. Just rampant rumour mills and toxic takes. I miss the old days of boards and yahoo groups, where you had threads and categories and actual discussion.

I want the show to be popular. But the more people that have joined the fandom (however temporary they might be - and please, if you say you're going to go, then JUST. GO. I don't want you here.) the more awful the space has become. It's just anger, self centeredness and panic. And not even the fun kind.

I know I can mute and block, and I do - trust me. But it's not enough. The psychotic or infantile takes from one-line tiktok comments always makes its untraceable way back to my curated feed.

I used to be a baby in a fandom of elders. I had stupid ideas and childish notions. But I wasn't in an echo chamber and I had to read through threads and the wiser opinions of adults who had life experience (of life, of shows, of relationships - just experience) and I listened. I threw tantrums ("ugh, she's got boyfriends other than the one I ship her with, she's A WHORE") that were SO. BAD. Like, of their time, but so bad. But I couldn't help encountering reasonable opinions all the time, because of the nature of the group/board. And it not only developed my critical thinking skills far better than almost any theory I was studying at school, it calmed me and educated me on plotlines AND real life.

One line comments in a race to the bottom on IG or TT will never compare to that, and it's exacerbating the eternal panic element that exists in large fandoms. Those platforms are NOT designed for discussion or interaction, only for gathering numbers. The worst things will always get to the top and more people will see them

And then we all live with this constant edge of worry or fear, because where did that one weird thing I heard about come from??? What if it's right? Why does this stupid thought have to live in my brain now and how do I stop the nosedive?

And you can't. You can't find the original post and add your considered opinion. There is no room for that. TT and IG do not want your opinion. They want high-view content, and reasoned fandom discussion is NOT that.

Also, these phrases are IRRITATING AS FUCK:

-called it/calling it now

-just as I predicted!

-(actor) told me...

-"terrible writing"

-[the show creators] didn't expect this kind of fan reaction!

-if not X then I'm leaving! (doesn't leave)

Okay, peace.

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Serious question, not trying to start a fight: If you're aware of the possibility of Wally and Home's relationship being like that of family, and you've made it clear you don't ship incest, why risk shipping them together at all, even if it's in a "toxic yuri" sort of way?

traffic was so bad that i was an hour late to class so now you all get to watch me poke this bear. response under the cut for discussions of familial abuse, incest, and a brief mention of csa.

serious answer: the home that exists as a representation of a past that never was/never will be again, or as a representation of The House Of American Suburbia Fame built with the intent of superseding the need for/being directly responsible for all of its inhabitant's other relationships (platonic, romantic, familial, etc.) existing, and the home that exists as a representation Specifically of an abusive family member, exist in two separate planes of reality to me. these planes are not above each other, i think. they are on the same level of plausibility. but they do not overlap, and the fact is that i am simply much more interested in the former than the latter. i realize that "i think the more popular fanon interpretation of them as parent and child is boring" is kind of a flippant answer to a question as heavy as this but, well. i do think that interpretation is pretty boring lol. also probably doesn't help that i see it get used to infantilize wally a lot. a mutual obsession whose end goal of total social supersession can never be fulfilled without coming at a great cost to one or both parties is something i find much more compelling, and gives much more agency to both parties.

in the hypothetical event that these two realities Do end up intersecting, however - even in the event that they intersect in a way where i could interpret their dynamic to be that of incestuous abuse - well. i would simply no longer be comfortable calling it a ship! that does not mean i would no longer be interested in analyzing their relationship; horror is all about exploring the Unpleasantries of life, after all. but the approach and the language would change; i would no longer be comfortable exploring it through the lens of shipping, i personally find that pretty distasteful. i believe that just because it is A lens through which people have analyzed that type of dynamic before does not mean it is the Ideal lens - far from it, in my experience as a (former) child with sexual trauma who grew up on the internet. but i digress. the fact of the matter right now is that nothing has happened that would cause such a shift in behavior for me. ergo, i intend to live it up for as long as i can and declare that wally and home's relationship is both one that cannot be defined by paltry human terms and one so intense and passionate that it will also go up in flames bright enough to make fleetwood motherfucking mac collectively fall to their knees and weep.

also, a funnier but still serious alternate answer: i spent nearly my entire adolescence as a husk of a person, and what ultimately got me out of it was getting into smile for me at age 18 - and subsequently, the rest of yugo limbo's work. i was reborn and reshaped in the objectum trenches. this did not necessarily make me objectum in turn, but i feel i owe something to that crowd as a result.

[vbs-kaitos-big-naturals]

do you have any pjsk hot takes

(under the cut, i dont want to offend anyone. tw for mentions of *fictional* abuse)

the way this fandom treats the characters is weird ngl, especially the ones with bad parents

ill use mafuyu as an example. obviously theres the whole "shes toxic" debacle (no she isnt) and obviously theres the infantilization of her, but also, i dont enjoy how every time she seems to be enjoying herself (i.e. playing dodgeball with the other miya girls) people seem to assume shes being disingenuine. idk it feels off

but imo thats still a bit better than how the shinonomes are treated. (i may be a bit biased here because i love them)

for SOME REASON, a small portion of proseka players genuinely think one or both of the shinonomes is abusive/toxic and i literally dont get it. ena has been belittled for years about her skill in a thing shes deeply passionate about, to the point she turns to social media to get approval. this is actually very common, and yet, some people seem to think shes some sort of selfish attention seeker??? half of this is probably misogyny

and akito is often the worst off in this regard due to being in one of the less popular groups and also being two-faced at times. he overworked himself and has fiery passion he expresses in a gatekeepy way because thats what he was told he had to do to prove himself. despite this, people say hes uneccessarily mean. this is probably because the people saying this have literally only read the fucking main story

srsly its just so. mean. i share a few traits with these two and it ticks me off when people give them a glance and write them off as jerks

i also have a bone to pick with the amount of disrespect shown to the voice actors and producers that are commissioned but thats for another day

anyway sorry for the rant but i really really hate it when this happens. probably not what you thought would come of this but to make up for it heres an actual take:

...

mr showtime is a little overrated

OKAY THANKS FOR THE ASK!!!

[entropy-sea-system]

OK OK impromptu rant but I need to get this out there as I still feel somewhat connected to the aro community-

I have been watching the tags, I've been talking the people in my local a-spec community and I think it amazes me just how incredible the relationships put forth by aro and aces are, while the communities just don't reflect any of it.

I've stopped identifying with the aroallo label because there was no sense of community associated with it. The a-spec spaces are made for aces only and the ace stuff in them is abhorrent. I am tired of people passing it off as repulsion, while still seeing people saying "hookers" are disgusting in a-spec tags. I'm tired of people saying PDA is bad. I'm tired of people acting like aros and aces can only be clueless cinnamon rolls. I'm tired of people being so so so stuck in their own perspective of the world they act like people in romantic relationships can't be happy. So on and so forth.

The concepts we have are passionating. They're the coolest ones I've been exposed to in queer communities. However, nobody thinks about them. Nobody speak about them. All we have is endless messages about how the world is so so confusing or hatred directed at sex and romance. I get that but I wish we went even a tiny bit past that really. It's a community filled with adults that feels so immature and I honestly think there is some sort of self infantilization going on. I don't like that I don't have symbols that aren't associated with uwu smol bean dragon lover stuff. It makes me sick and is why I don't identify with it anymore but it's genuinely sad to see because technically that's still the people who will relate to me the most.

It feels like people are always desperate to understand how the norm works and how they can best align with it instead of fully experiencing their identity. And that's an understandable thing to do but the community is just that with sex and romance negativity sprinkled on top of it.

I wish they were angrier. I wish they were more introspective. I wish they thought about breaking the norms more instead of headcannoning every female character without a love interest as aroace and talking about how gross sex is. I wish I felt like I can connect with the people who are supposed to be at least partly like me.

Anyway you're cool and I hope you're doing well! Sorry to drop all of this onto you but yeah I trust you with my ranty feels about the community.

We didn't really expect this ask but thank you for sending it!!

There are a lot of issues with the aspec community, especially online, (we have no experience with irl ones yet). And what you described here explains the issues with it quite well.

I feel like most of the aspec community ends up catering to mainly aces, and to a lesser extent aros, and slightly to apls, while other atertiary is hardly discussed (and agender ppl often just lump w gender stuff instead even though its aspec). I think the community is also rather divided, personally.

We're in some discord servers w mostly other apls and aros/run by other apl aros (often also romo aro) and they tend to overall be normal about aspec identities without being negative about attractions or actions or gatekeeping aspec labels. Currently we logged off discord a bit but we have in the past been in aro spaces that had many of the issues you mention , and still come across people being that way on tumblr.

I think there is a problem where some aros think that calling romance inherently toxic is somehow "activism" and deny that romance negativity exists, then claim that they "don't have to consider every culture ever" when people state that some cultures are romance negative and do harm people for engaging in romance.

They seem to think its "punching up" and some alloaros in particular try to justify it by acting like the united states is the only country that matters and citing sex negativity as a reason for romance negativity "not existing". When aces do this about sex its harmful, but thats not supposed to be a reason to deny that being romance negative is toxic and harmful to others even if their country doesn't persecute people for engaging in romance.

I also personally see a some aros hesitant to id with ace or acespec terms that technically fit them because of how bad the ace community has been about sex and anyone who isn't ace, as well as aces and aros generally forgetting about atertiary ppl. Some of them prefer terms like lightspec or such or allospec partly because of that.

It's understandable that some people feel a disconnect from labels like aro and ace as a result of how the communities tend to be tbh. I've had moments when I didn't want to id as aro because of this, and I consider myself both aro and alloro due to my arospec orientation.

Also being tertiary repulsed and being repulsed by sex repulsion (it just happens to repulse me a lot to read about even if not stated in a sex negative way), makes it a bit hard to be around other aspecs. I feel really disgusted and triggered when other aros talk about squishes and qprs and friendships, even if I think they should be able to talk about that. Which makes it hard to be around some other aros.

I also get what you mean about people trying to align with the existing norm. I'm seeing a rise in people maligning labels they don't understand and this attitude of "the only kind of weird thats fine is the kind of weird I am", which the aspec community has certainly not been immune to either.

I feel like for some reason most aspecs I see online, especially aros, are minors? Maybe because the aromantic label only really caught on after 2005 iirc so older people less likely to have heard of it? Im not a huge fan of how aspec tends to be infantilised either. I find issues with how some of the aro symbols are very derivative of ace symbols because we are not some extension of ace we're our own community. I can also see how ppl may find it too infantilising to have symbols like frogs and griffons etc.

Also yeah what is with people doing that about characters who are women or girls and express that they don't want to get married??? Or even just don't have a love interest. I understand if aroaces want more headcanoned rep or non-aspecs I guess idk want to fill some headcanon diversity quota without actually supporting aspecs but.

Not wanting marriage or not having a love interest is not inherently equal to not wanting romance and/or sex. I feel especially that people like to assume not wanting to have children means not wanting sex (which I find pretty reductive in that its acting like thats the only reason ppl have sex, especially as a sex favorable person who doesn't want kids). And all aspecs deserve more canon rep to begin with. I think I have a gripe with ppls aspec headcanons almost always being alloace or aroace. It's like they forget other aspecs like apls, alloaros, neu aros, non sam aros, atertiary, etc. even exist!

Additionally I think its partly because romance is emphasized more for female characters that even fans decide to make their interpretations about romance/a lack there of as if its the character's only personality trait. In my opinion its just as obsessive about romance if someone thinks all there is to a character is not engaging in it. I also see people act like they're solely worried a woman/girl character is going to fall for a man/boy character they hc as aro but not often the opposite like. Just say you see romance as gendered/feminine in some way and go I guess lol.

I also feel like mainly allistic non-aspecs do this but when ppl hc an autistic character as ace or aroace it feels infantilising if theres literally no other rationale behind their headcanon. I feel desexualised at times as an autistic and thats mostly bc ppl pick up on some kind of nd thing and they assumed I'm too "innocent" to like romance or sex, or because they view us as "unable to consent"(which can be true of some people if their neurodivergence affects their ability to consent to things even as an adult, but isn't universally true.) . I think some of this perception is also rooted in eugenics (due to people equating sex with having kids and viewing disability and/or neurodivergence as a tragedy and thinking its 'bad' for disabled and/or nd ppl to have kids).

So I don't really appreciate implications that someone is ace just by virtue of being autistic. I think its also unfair to autistic aros and aces because our neurodivergence can influence our orientation, but being autistic does not mean that makes someone inherently ace and/or aro.

My physical disability is relatively mild and less talked about (chronic pain and fatigue), and I don't reveal it to most ppl(ppl who dont live with me won't know I get exhausted from non-taxing to abled ppl activities, and chronic pain is not visible at all and we can't get mobility aids due to not being independent yet) so Im not fully aware how people view my apl and aro identities in that regard.

And there is definitely an issue with aspecs trying to enforce NEW norms. They cry about how people are forced into performing romance and sex to fit in but then turn around and tell people they need to love or have friends or family or pets in order to be a good person. It's also very harmful to aspecs bc some of us are loveless or atertiary etc. in ways that aros and aces apparently hate lol. A lot of aros in particular are very platonormative.

The aro community is also rather hostile to romo aros. There are still people who exclude romo aros from the aro label or act like we have to bend over backwards and acknowledge that we are "amatonormative oppressors" for liking romance or feeling some connection to it.

I think also the meme about putting a box away on a tall shelf away from a child is relevant here. The word amatonormative is constantly misused by a lot of aros. I've seen aros call alloromantic apls "amatonormative" and act like "amatonormative" means 'person who engages in romance'.

Its not a term abt engaging in romance or liking it. It's also not an excuse to pressure people to have or like friends either. I think aros should have actual discussions about amatonormativity that aren't just US-centric and about romance(wow do aros love to ignore that monogamy, non-queer, cis, etc. are social categories deemed more valuable under amatonormative societal norms), instead of using it to describe anyone they deem as interested in romance .

On that note, a lot of them use some examples of toxic relationships as reasons to call romance toxic and almost advocate for romance to never exist(which is especially disgusting to see for me, as in my country a lot romance negative conservative rhetoric is literally worded the same way). These people almost never acknowledge that other relationships like friendship can be toxic too.

I think some of these people believe in 'morality of repugnance' in that they think if its something they personally find repulsive in some way, that means its inherently immoral, which is not conducive to having unbiased views of the world, or critical thinking. I think a lot of ppl my age and younger are especially trying to do this because Ive lost count of how many I've seen be like "ewww thats gross/weird and so its wrong/immoral", and literally spouting conservative rhetoric while thinking they're politically liberal/leftists, perhaps with different wording but yeah. (I think that one tumblr post abt ppl in that age range being 'conservative on accident', especially in the united states- though that is concerning given the way ppl from other countries tend to absorb american opinions and such too much, describes this phenomenon)

I think some aros are also still so caught up in how much of a tragedy they think their aromanticism is, and I feel bad for them but thats not all there is to being aro and its a bit weird when ppl act like it is.

I think one of the best things about being aspec for me is feeling more like I can engage in and not engage in relationships (Im only favorable to sexual partnerships w no label other than 'sexual partner', and romance only w two partners as of now, and completely averse to all tertiary/nonrose. before I fully realised my aspec identities i pressured myself to have friends and felt like I'd be obligated to be favorable to nonsexual romance if someone wanted that with me, to 'be an ally to aces', even though it repulsed me. I also felt obligated to want qprs especially after realising Im aro. Realising Im atertiary helped me stop forcing myself to want nonrose relationships.)

Anyways that was a lot of rambling but probably most of my opinions on the aro and some extent aspec community.

[zorilleerrant]

For the ask game, ship you’ve unwilling come around to!

Oh, I have so many NoTPs in every fandom, and, unfortunately, a ton of them tend to be canon or popular in fandom! The ones that bother me so much I had to block the tags are Dick/Babs, Tim/Kon, and Spike/Buffy. I think those are the only ships I currently have blocked, but some of that is just because the other ships are less popular (or fewer people I follow care one way or the other).

With Dick/Babs, it's that I love their dynamic as childhood friends or as young superhero friends, and if they have romantic entanglements on top of that it feels like it's invalidating the friendship. There's a lot of 'this boy and girl are friends so they have to date' (see also: these two queer boys/girls are friends so they have to date) and it gets its ick on ships, even though generally I do enjoy a friends-to-lovers arc. It's also a little creepy to me that Babs was originally Bruce's love interest, and then infantilized to be Dick's love interest - the same reason that Kori/Jason and Raven/Damian bother me so much. Also, Babs is a lesbian. I really just prefer them as mlm/wlw solidarity and not in a bi4bi way.

Tim/Kon and Spike/Buffy are more a problem with the fans than any of the canon material. (Which is why I ship Tim/Kon in the HBO Titans universe, which I haven't seen many people being mean about.) I see a lot of Tim/Kon fans hating on Bernard and Tim/Bernard and also hating on DC in a way that honestly feels pretty homophobic. I don't think that's their intention but it really sounds like the same arguments people who just don't want canon queer characters at all make. I also see them hating on Steph and Tim/Steph sometimes in ways that are pretty misogynistic (and also biphobic) and I just don't like it.

Spike/Buffy is like... I enjoyed the dynamic on the show, where they were both unhealthily codependent and toxic to each other. Two people who think they're in love or have the potential to be in love because they won't address their own problems is my jam! Of course, most of the shippers seem to want to treat it like a real (or especially a healthy) relationship instead of a toxic situationship. There's also the problem that, like, they keep defending why Spike 'deserves' to still be in a relationship with Buffy after assaulting her, sometimes with pages long essays, and never once mention how Buffy might feel about that. Completely ignoring Buffy's opinion on the whole thing feels, to me, even more nonconsensual than the original incident (which I was willing to chalk up to bad writing and ignore). So now the merest mention gives me the creepy crawlies. This is most canon ships on BtVS, tho.

Most ships I'm open to, tho! I especially enjoy hearing about rarepairs and anything that couldn't happen in canon (crossover ships, etc.) because I can roll it around in my head until I understand it. Which is why even stuff that squicks me at first I'm willing to give a chance if the story sounds interesting enough.

[pan-gaa]

My problem with the BL industry -part 1-

Where do we draw the line?

I want to start this by saying I myself have been a BL fan for many years, I just want to share my thoughts on the issues cultivated by this industry in the eyes of a queer man. I want to focus on the sexualization of “toxic” more so abusive relationships that are portrayed. Because the manwha Jinx is one of the most popular BLs at the moment and it fits as an example of my point, I’ll be speaking a little bit about it.

What was the purpose of the BL genre? Well for women it was a media that served as escapism since most mature media was very much male oriented. Women could not feel connected to the characters portrayed only to please men’s disturbing fantasies. Between the impossible body standards and the clear lack of regard for the woman autonomy it isn’t a surprise that women felt quite disconnected from 18+ media. That’s when an adult genre came to fruition, 18+ media for women by women but no woman was portrayed in these stories in fact the main focus was relationships between 2 men. The disconnect from societal pressures helped woman enjoy 18+ content without feeling guilt or disgust. But how a genre created to disconnect toxic attributes in media became just that but for another demographic? Now the people on the other end of this discomfort are queer people, not only gay men. Romanticizing dangerous power dynamics, dubious consent, sexualizing toxic stereotypes,infantilization ect. The list goes on of all real life issues that the queer community deal with but are nothing but entertainment within this genre.

Not all BLs are bad! Im very aware since again I am quite the fan of some but this is more me criticizing the industry per se. The problem is that toxicity sells, what companies want is to sell and that opens the doors for people to make more toxicity for whatever their reasons. All that moves us to where we are today were we have one the most popular current themes being Stockholm syndrome and how it is hot. I’ve been seeing myself how I have been dropping more series than I have finished, I kept getting hit with more and more of this toxic clichés. It was like I was playing bingo and hoping I didn’t win, I would get so excited for stories that did the bare minimum and yet those were hard to find which has made my current experience quite exhausting. Of course I’m no longer the teen who would let anything pass because “hot characters” and even more hot scenes but now as an adult that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Showing toxic situations in media on its own is not the problem but it is the context in which they are shown, these are not cautionary tales but “love stories” the intent is for you to root for those characters. Not only is the relationships an issue but the way they portray queer people overall, the disrespect for bisexual people, trans people and lesbians in some of these stories is quite appalling since these are suppose to be queer stories. I think this says a lot about the industry and some of the artists involved, before it could maybe be used as an excuse the lack of knowledge but to me that no longer holds in the age of the internet.

Now I’ll like to mention one of the stories I’ve personally been a little tired of seeing, Jinx. I was quite interested in the manwha when it was announced, as I’ve mentioned before I’m all about the visuals and seeing the improvement of the artist was endearing. I’m aware the BL is still ongoing but I have read BJ Alex which can add a little context on how the artist manages their stories. This is not a personal diss on the artist or those who are reading the story, I just think with all these kinds of popular stories we gotta ask ourselves, Where do we draw the line? Jinx is your typical story of the protagonist being someone that went thru trauma and has to spent their whole life trying to pay some insane debt, then comes the romantic interest being a famous rich person with an unchecked personality disorder that takes advantage of the power dynamic and uses the protagonist to his convenience. It is quite an overdone premise and in this story we see it as a black listed physical therapist and a famous athlete, the protagonist Dan appears to act like an Angel while Jaekyung keeps bullying him and using him for other acts. The story so far has been quite literally only this, and you see in the comments people hoping for a redemption arc for Jaekyung, at some point in this story readers have to realize that a good ending would be Dan leaving this situation but unfortunately I don’t have much hope for that. Jinx is not the only story doing this but it is one of the most popular at the moment, we also have stories like Painter Of The Night which is literally the love story between a kidnapper and his victim.

BL is a genre that can be enjoyed by anyone yet it seems like lately it can become queer stories but not for queer people but more so toxic fantasies put onto another group of people that also have to fight for their own respect. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy good ol 18+ media that is morally grey or maybe somewhat toxic but when an industry gains so much money on portraying real issues as unserious fantasies so continuously, I think it’s time we ask ourselves as the readers; When is it too much? When does it get disrespectful to the people it’s portraying? Where do we draw the line?

[dcyllom]

misc. tag game

thank you for tagging me @blood-mocha-latte :)

a band you don’t like that many others do:

definitely Ocean Alley (i don't like their music and their most recent scandal was...interesting. also a guy i used to like but who ended up being a racist LOVED them so i have viscerally negative reactions whenever their stuff plays)

a childhood memory that you remember vividly:

i have a terrible memory, but the thing i remember best is taking our dog around the garden so he could get used to it when we first moved in, and he dug up 23 bones which the previous owners dog had buried around the place.

least favorite animal and why:

CRABS, I FUCKING HATE THEM

hot fandom take:

none, i just see bob stuff and i generally like it. although i do dislike the (not very common) infantilization of the actors or the version of the real life men they're portraying. it's just not something i personally agree with but it's not that big a deal

do you were any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece:

i love rings and necklaces, but my favourite piece is my great-great grandmother's engagement ring which i inherited through my great grandmother. its gold and engraved with cool designs and a ruby and some diamonds.

a movie others liked but you didn’t:

the greatest showman. i detest that movie so much and im possibly a little dramatic about it.

three things you love about yourself:

i like my taste in wine

i really like my hair right now (just got it cut)

i like that i have such an active and extensive imagination

a place you hope to visit in the future and why:

ireland :) my family has a lot of connections to it

an actor that gets on your nerves and why:

jared leto <3

things you’re excited for in the nearby future?:

joining the tramping club at my uni this year (in nz we use the word tramping for hiking im not that strange i promise)

least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in:

legolas/gimli, i just think their story is cooler if its them working through several millennia of racial hate and enmity to become best friends to the point where they want to spend the rest of their lives together. the romance angle just overshadows that for me with them.

what’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in?:

okay this is quite niche but its funny to me, the girlfailure community on instagram. like those people who make semi-ironic accounts posting about unhinged esoteric books or ideas, astrology, societal/cultural expectations, and religious interpretation of thoughts. its a load of bullshit but its so fucking funny to read and its mostly sarcastic (i think) so i don't feel bad for enjoying it.

list three things you find beautiful about life:

my mother, especially learning more about her and how she interprets life. i've realised recently that we're extremely similar despite having wildly different upbringings. she's also the best person i know.

new zealand :). nz is very isolated with a diverse range of biomes, there is such a large amount of untouched land that you could drive from the southern alps through farmland and native bush to the coast in about 3 hours.

cooking while listening to music!! i love it.

any dreams for the future?

completing my law and arts degrees and going on to do a masters in the uk somewhere.

how are you really feeling today?

extremely tired lol, i've got a doctors appointment tomorrow because it's been going on for several weeks.

tagging (no pressure):

anyone who wants to do it! i forgot i had this tab open so i think everyone's done it. if not, feel free to say i tagged you or something :).

[decapitationposting]

OH!! If it hasn’t been done already too, Daigo Dojima

THE DIG !!

First impression:

rgg pedestalguy... woah... hes . cool . i guess.

Impression now:

THE DIGGLE!!! i love putting him in the blender i love his loneliness and his misery and his agony and the fact that the deck was stacked against him from the start. i love the fact that everyone he's even remotely close to leaves or is dead or whatever. i rotate him in my mind daily. ALSO THE RAGE !!! I LOVE HIS RAGE !!!! ITS SUCH AN UNDERRATED ASPECT OF HIS CHARACTER!!!

Favorite moment:

OKAY. I'M GOING TO . PUT THE ACTUAL MAIN ANSWER TO THIS AT THE BOTTOM UNDER THE CUT. BC IW SPOILERS. in the meantime though. shoutout to Any Time You Give This Guy A Gun. truly every game would be a solid 70% shorter if he just had one at the start

Idea for a story:

grrrr. i'd love to explore more of the fishing village horrors but i'd also love to explore his reunion w/ Mine in Survive AU but i'd ALSO like to explore possible interactions w/ the ichigang BUT ALSO-

Unpopular opinion:

bear is a lame fursona assignment for him imo. SIKA DEER SWEEP !! For more general stuff uh: - i'm not the biggest fan of the daigo polycule sorry. - I am. so sick. of the 3jimas being lumped together for everything ngl.................... it just kinda uh. sidelines daigo & saejima imo. also. the infantilization drives me crazy but i feel like that's the most obvious thing to put here so

Favorite relationship:

its so obvious. minedai sweep. + masadai toxic exes is so funny. ship that exists in past tense to me. on the platonic side of things though i do love when ppl explore his relationship w/ Haruka .... also his friendship w/ Shinada is neat.... i do love the whole . rivals dynamic that he & ryuji have going on as well.. silly.... (also i've been playing in the space w/ him & my friend's oc Miyumi and . their weirdo family dynamic is so . bad. in a fun way. enabling each other! yay!)

Favorite headcanon:

i love the hc of him being into necromancy bc of the one poundmate summon in y7! its really silly to me :3 gee i wonder who he was trying to resurrect... hmmmm.... + in a similar vein . love the concept of him holding on to Mine's gun. something to remember him by etc. Also. i think Yayoi cut him off after y3. something something him relapsing after everything around him went to shit and her just ... leaving him . bc she's tried everything she could prior and she just. doesn't know what else to do aside from "well. I'm not going to talk to you until you stop That" . Definitely a flawed way of going about it BUT its flawed in a way that deeply intrigues me.

OK BACK TO THAT FAVORITE MOMENT THING (IW SPOILERS):

THE WHOLE . BIT IN THAT DAMN FISHING SHACK . like . gahhhh getting to hear concrete stated proof that his mental health was in the absolute gutter after everything he's been through + the rage when kiryu starts provoking the 3jimas its soooo . its so nice to see. its cathartic. like all this stuff Could be just hcs or forgotten about or brushed aside etc etc but No! ughhh its. so solid i love it. GO DIGGLE !! KILL!!!!!!

[terraliensvent]

Hi mod it’s Cass

I am also YOUR number one fan!!! I don’t plan to stay in Terras, just hanging around until I get my art for my trade and then I’m running for the hills basically. The NSFW jokes and the general atmosphere are too much. I’m an adult in a server full of children, and atp given the nonchalance of other members I don’t plan on being in a space that encourages that kind of behavior towards children. I’ll probably make a ticket about it and that’s that, honestly.

I hope you don’t stay any longer than you have to, that place is just a cesspool of toxic positivity. Good luck in there bud 🫡 you’re so much braver than I am. I never really looked at this blog until recently but you seem pretty chill so you’re cool in my book!

post related

omg im having my “senpai noticed me” moment lmao

glad youre taking the initiative to gtfo, it just sucks how that shows more evidence that the terra server is not an environment conducive to critique or serious discussion whatsoever.

the nsfw/suggestive “jokes” have apparently been a continued issue just going based off the stuff i get in my inbox, and mods dont seem to give a fuck since theyre all around 18-20 themselves and dont have the foresight to see how there is true danger in things they think is no big deal.

and actually i wanna elaborate on my issues with mods being so young; when youre a very young “adult” yourself (adult in quotes because imo 18 is only adult in legal terms and most 18-year-olds do NOT have the level of maturity that comes with the title of adult, something amazingly exemplified in the terra server) you kind of blur the lines on minor and adult. what i mean by this is: when youre 18, you tend to think of minors as 16-17 or older teens since thats the stage you were just in, you dont really think about the 13, 14, 15 year olds being as super-young as they are because you were just in high school with some of them. because of this theyll brush more things off as “not a big deal” because, hey, i would make jokes like that with my friends in high school, its not that bad. they dont really realize the different dynamics there are when its online, and just how bad it ACTUALLY is. again, it goes back to that immaturity thing. (theres also something to be said about the way that 17 year olds online are really infantilized while 18 year olds online are treated as just as mature as older adults, AND theres something to be said about the way 18 year olds are constantly pushed into believing theyre more mature especially in art and furry spaces by beginning to create and post NSFW the SECOND they turn 18, but thats a whole nother can of worms)

anyways, maturity rant aside and back to the actual topic of the ask, i appreciate the kindness abt me and my blog :) i plan to stick around in terras because i love watching a trainwreck, but if push comes to shove ill start disconnecting myself from it again.

[aliensunflower-fics]

whats your secret sauce to writing salt? like how do you get the characters to feel like you do its driving me crazyyyy i wana know whats going on in your brain

My 'secret sauce' when it comes to writing a salty version of a character is to take traits from that characters that are viewed as good or neutral and pushing them into the 'no longer good' zone.

A weird thing to say I know but follow me on this. Most characters and peoples best traits can be there worst traits. An easy example is the very common character trait of being 'protective of loved ones' this trait sounds GREAT when you read it oh gee wow the character is protective of there loved ones. How can this possibly be bad?

Easy. Take that positive trait and push it further. Suddenly they go from just 'protective' to OVER protective which is a little annoying a little negative but push it even further and you can wind up with a Yandere or someone who infantilizes the people they care about someone who see's there friends as too weak to take care of themselves and bam you just turned a positive trait into a negative trait.

This can pretty much be done with any trait and helps you keep characters closer to there base selves while showing how under the right situations, stimuli, influence, ect there best qualities can become there worst. Using this you can easily write MLB fanfiction thats salty without diving into the full blown dead sea of salt.

For example the trait I exploit most often when I write my fics is the class & adriens trait of 'trusting' and 'forgiving' these are good kids who believe in giving 20th chances thanks probably to Bustier and Chloe. And these traits by themselves are not bad but the second you start to push them to there extreme they become incredibly toxic both for other people and for themselves. Constant forgiveness and constant blind trust leads to PROBLEMS it leads to ignorance and blindness in the face of bullying thus allowing me to write the class as sympathetic while still pointing out that there kinda being jerks and idiots at times. Thus striking the balance of salt to truth.

You can take this principle with pretty much any character or trait and get something workable. Someone is all about 'justice' that's great until they become obsessed with it and there own view of how it should be dished out. Someone is all about 'kindness' that great until there so kind they cant stand up to people for fear of hurting them. Someone is very 'giving' that's great until they have nothing left to give and start to base there own value on it. Someone is super 'supportive' wonderful until they support the wrong kind of behavior.

Voila my secret sauce.