#is a me problem and ppl have been saying this abt me for years even close family so i cant rlly blame anyone for perceiving me that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ruegarding · 7 months ago

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hello! I hope your having a good day! If you don't mind me asking, what is your opinion on the Cupid Scene in Hoo? And if you could how would you change it?

my opinion on the cupid scene…well, i don't think a traumatic coming out scene is automatically bad. the problem i have w it is that rick capitalized on shock value instead of good writing. rick retconned a bunch of things to make nico alone and miserable so that he could have this scene, and it was completely unnecessary. ppl can have friends without coming out. and, as i’ve repeatedly said, the way hoo is written is literally a repeat of his arc in pjo but worse, because we’re acting like important events in pjo didn’t happen in a series that’s supposed to be a sequel to pjo and rick is inconsistent so the payoff is questionable.

the solution is…good writing. creating a cohesive and intriguing plotline where this scene is either necessary or scrapped if it isn’t.

thus begins an unnecessarily deep dive into all the retcons, inconsistencies, and general what-the-fuckery of nico’s arc in hoo bc i’m the verbose king and we've accidentally stumbled into something i have a lot to say abt.

first retcon. in son, frank explicitly says that nico does not make him nervous and describes nico as mysterious. not weird, creepy, off-putting, or anything similar. and nico is! he is clearly hiding things and shows up infrequently. this is a neutral description, and frank goes on to say that pluto’s powers, and specifically the underworld, isn’t enough to make him dislike pluto or nico.

also this, showing nico is comfortable enough around frank:

but then in hoh, frank thinks going somewhere with nico, alone, is terrifying.

at worst, frank would’ve felt awkward. they’ve never had to talk alone bc nico is at camp jupiter for hazel and doesn’t have any reason to talk to frank by himself. if frank didn’t want to be alone w nico bc of that, it’d make sense. but that’s not what’s said or implied! and nothing has happened! nico got kidnapped, they saved him, and since then he’s been chilling on the boat, exactly as weird as before, if a little more understandably distressed. like, nothing happened to change frank’s opinion this drastically. even the difference between pluto and hades (wealth vs death) doesn’t matter bc nico uses his powers in son. also frank literally summons a skeleton guy in son and hazel is a zombie, like…

(the source isn’t important but i've been quoting these five seconds for years)

oh! and that’s not all, it gets worse!

these scenes from hoh are incredibly infantilizing. why are we treating nico like a feral dog that needs to be domesticated??? yikes. and once again, it’s not true! nico was fine talking w ppl in pjo (if a bit over-enthusiastic). and then in son he was perfectly civil and was fine having the conversation abt the quest. his issue w ppl was that his powers/parentage put ppl off, and, even in son, that he had to keep a secret.

nico is perfectly capable of speaking like a normal person and working as part of a team (see: final botl battle, final tlo battle, the sword of hades). like, nico’s struggle in hoh should be 1) that ppl are calling him creepy behind his back (and therefore has nothing to do w his social skills) and/or 2) that he just survived an incredibly traumatic experience and is understandably withdrawn. neither of these are properly addressed and instead the implication is that nico is hiding himself bc he’s gay and everything will be solved if he accepts himself.

edit: i never actually explicitly stated this, but nico's queer coding and disability coding overlap, which is why this infantilization/ableism is important enough to highlight despite the conversation specifically being abt the queer aspect of it.

second retcon. percy…as i’ve said many times before, percy explicitly calls nico his friend in tlo.

this immediately makes hoo trying to act like they don’t know each other and were never close a retcon. they were friends, they saw each other frequently, nico made silly jokes w percy…and we’re ignoring all of this in hoo.

i've talked abt this previously (in response to tsats), but nico is the one putting distance between him and percy. percy reached out to nico repeatedly thru pjo.

when percy notices that nico excludes himself, percy finds a private place to talk to nico and assures him that percy wants him around and offers solutions to his discomfort (this is not percy’s responsibility. percy is a child). when nico insists that he won’t stay, percy sees it from nico’s perspective and, instead of forcing nico to do something against his will that may totally backfire, says “i hope we don’t have to be enemies,” leaving room for nico to decide whether he’s willing to be friends.

bc percy understands the root of nico’s issue (that no matter the accommodations made at camp, there’s always going to be the implicit message that he doesn’t belong there), he addresses it and uses his wish to make sure that nico has a home at camp.

and when nico tries to prove he’s useful, percy proves he would’ve invited him in whether nico was or not. bc he thinks nico deserves to be a kid.

“i wonder if [nico] had ever had a birthday party,” percy thinks at his own birthday party where he didn’t invite his friends bc he felt it was too much of an inconvenience, in a story where he never had friends prior to these ppl he didn’t invite, and the only person he had for twelve years of his life was his own mother. and percy uses his own loneliness to empathize w how lonely nico is.

percy is not some distant figure nico is idolizing. he's a kid trying his best to care for another kid at a time where no one else did, while experiencing his own trauma. all of their hang-ups exist bc of that.

going back to their relationship in hoo, even trying to make percy uncomfortable w nico’s powers (and therefore not wanting to associate w nico) doesn’t work bc percy has gone on record and said he thinks some of nico’s powers are cool and has neutral responses to others, not to mention percy is also a big three kid who makes other ppl wary (i could write a whole meta on how what percy finds disturbing w nico’s powers is directly tied to what percy finds disturbing w his own powers, but i’ll restrain myself. please clap).

and if that wasn’t enough, the entire reason percy stood up to hera in botl is bc she was willing to let nico die specifically bc he doesn't fit in bc of those powers.

this plotline was tired before it even began.

you could argue that all of this changed w nico’s betrayal in tlo. but then why didn’t percy tell anybody when it happened in tlo (annabeth would’ve reacted to it if he had)? why did percy trust nico to come when he called? why didn’t any of percy’s animosity come out afterwards at camp? and in the throne room, percy didn’t have to single nico out w his wish. he didn’t have to watch nico to make sure he was settling in. but he did. and because he did, any writing that suggests percy doesn't trust or care abt nico bc of that is bad writing. maybe rick forgot this, but u can be angry w and hurt by the ppl you love and still love them.

even the justification that nico lied in son isn’t good enough to completely change their relationship, bc it’s pretty clear why nico lied and percy says he can’t stay angry at nico when they rescue him, and let me remind u, anger is a core part of percy's character. while nico lying might be enough for characters like leo and jason, who have no rapport w him, to doubt him, it’s not enough for percy. and why are we so obsessed w dismantling percy and nico’s friendship anyway? why is that necessary to the story? like i said before, ppl can have friends without coming out. isolating the only queer character (at the time) isn’t necessary.

this conflict doesn’t even work in hoo bc their distance is still one-sided…

when did percy not give nico a second chance in hoo? the only times they’ve interacted prior to this was when percy remembered nico in son and tried to talk to him and then when they saved his life. and then nico brushes off percy's gratitude and tells him to back off. this is not nico idolizing percy who doesn't care abt him. this is percy reaching out and yet again nico putting distance between them.

and, obviously, this doesn’t work at all w pjo when the entirety of botl exists, you know, where percy chose to trust and protect nico and then went out of his way to make sure nico knew percy held none of nico’s anger against him. it’d be one thing if nico was supposed to be wrong, but considering how there’s an entire arc in hoo abt jason being the first person to trust nico, and tsats seriously acts like percy only ever talked to nico when he needed something, it’s safe to say this comes from a place of stupidity.

ok. this sections getting long, so i moved the it was stupid to have percy give jason a reason to doubt nico section to a new post. but know that i'm aware and i think it's stupid.

back to the point of all these retcons w percy. there's nothing in hoo that necessitates changing percy and nico's relationship from pjo. while percy in hoo is never cruel to nico, they act like strangers for some reason. so, it's changed for no reason and it's written poorly.

sigh. and then all of chb is retconned (or recycled if you’re feeling generous).

the ppl at camp accept him while his cabin gets built. pretty nice. then in boo nico reveals they got tired of him after a week–which is still summer–despite there being an influx of kids from all descents, some of whom would be weird or uncomfortable or whatever this justification is. that’s not even mentioning how percy’s own experiences (remember how he was ostracized…multiple times…) should have made them more accepting of nico.

why…was this necessary at all…? especially when u have an entirely different camp that treats nico as weird bc they didn’t have that good experience w him? this is really what gets me. if rick wanted to be lazy and repeat nico’s arc, he could’ve done so without retconning things.

for example, with the seven, leo, piper, jason, and maybe annabeth (she doesn’t have much to say abt nico in pjo), i could understand having animosity towards nico, as well as camp jupiter, but retconning established relationships to make ur only (at the time) queer character isolated and miserable only to then have his coming out be violent and traumatic is. well. bad! especially when the person who is w him for that experience is not someone he has built any sort of camaraderie w. nico isn’t choosing to trust jason, he’s being forced to.

and the whole nico-needs-to-learn-to-trust-ppl plot doesn’t work anyway bc of rick’s inconsistencies.

jason has a moment much like frank where he doesn’t want to go anywhere w nico bc nico is so weird and scary. nico has every right to pull himself away from ppl who treat him like he’s got something contagious. and there’s more:

“since when does jason defend nico,” as in they have shit on nico before and jason has not, in the past, defended nico. as in nico had every reason to not trust jason prior to this bc everyone, including jason, were talking shit behind his back. why are we acting like nico is being unreasonable? oh no, y’all are talking behind my back…clearly it’s my fault bc i push everyone away and that has nothing to do w ur behavior or anything…yes this is good writing.

and we’re supposed to believe that jason (and reyna and hedge and will) is the first person to be kind/reach out to nico, but we have this scene from botl where percy comforted nico and gave him a piece of his childhood back:

and this is after percy cleared the air to make sure nico knew he didn’t hate him and offered to make accommodations for nico at camp and then respected and understood why nico wouldn’t want to. like,

woah, you’re telling me that a character reaches out to nico after a traumatic experience in an act of kindness and this helps nico grow as a person? and it happens multiple times?! yeah, apparently rick and fandom have completely forgotten abt this (also hazel exists???). they’re even phrased similarly! “maybe it’s time to take a risk and embrace something you’ve pushed away.” furthermore, they both support their point by helping nico, percy by inviting nico into his home to enjoy cake and ice cream, jason by drinking from the chalice. once more w feeling: nico has been loved the entire goddamn time!

i get what rick was trying to accomplish w the whole cupid scene concept. which is that it’s okay to be gay and that it can feel very “othering” to be gay. nico has to accept himself in order to make friends. that’s what this

and this

are trying to say, right, but this doesn’t work when you’ve blatantly retconned established relationships to have characters push nico away for his powers/parentage/whatever. nico’s struggle is not an internal issue that can be solved by accepting himself, it’s an external issue caused by how other ppl treat him for his powers/parentage (which he has never been shown to reject btw).

the thing is, the powers-as-queerness metaphor only works when you don’t have, you know, characters who aren’t queer going through similar ostracization. not only was percy ostracized at chb in tlt for his powers/parentage (very similar to nico!), percy has a moment in this same book where his powers terrify annabeth, and then piper in the next book, in which he, you know, lets himself almost die to poison bc he feels like he “deserved it” for using those powers. again, this is not queer-coding for percy (unless…?). moreover, like i said, nico doesn’t reject his powers, so the whole queer-coding w powers and needing to accept himself is already iffy (...rejecting powers...hold the fuck up…percy isn’t…unless…). even the out-of-time metaphor doesn’t work bc it’s something he shares w hazel, who is not canonically queer (unless…?!). so, already, we’re on shaky metaphorical ground. all of this could work, theoretically, if combined w strong writing, but combined w the retconning and inconsistencies, this plotline makes no cohesive sense.

we’re supposed to believe that nico is the one pushing everyone away while they are secretly super supportive while simultaneously being shown that everyone talks and thinks shit that affirms nico’s thoughts abt them that makes him want to pull away. and then in boo we completely ignore that these ppl have been pushing nico away and suddenly everyone (reyna, hedge, will, etc) is supportive.

pick a struggle!

also nico’s coming out scene in boo sucked (yeah this is the segue).

this is the culmination of nico’s arc in hoo. he’s finally accepted himself enough to speak the truth without pressure. we ruined percy and nico’s established relationship for this. and they don’t even have a conversation. then nico walks over to will bc percy, “regular guy” percy, is “not [his] type.” don’t look too deep into that.

so, how would i fix the cupid scene? well.

there were a million different ways to write a better arc for nico and earn that cupid scene. for example, rick could’ve stuck to a plotline.

the trust plotline could’ve been good. bc this exact thing is what causes the accidental kidnapping situation in tlo. nico doesn’t trust percy enough to tell him the truth and chooses to manipulate and lie to percy instead. this choice is what sets up their conflict bc percy views this as betrayal (something that’s important to a guy who’s fatal flaw is loyalty).

it’s also interesting bc nico does choose to trust ppl in hoo; he eats the pomegranate seeds despite not knowing that someone is coming for him, he just trusts that someone will (we’re ignoring what boo says abt nico’s tartarus experience bc fun fact! that is also retconned). and it pays off, bc not only does he get saved, we see hazel and percy even willing to challenge the other members of the seven to make sure he gets saved. so, it’s not a lesson he’s already learned, it’s a lesson he’s learning. but, going back to the main question here, would the cupid scene still be necessary? was being dragged into tartarus and almost dying not enough spectacle?

regardless, my biggest problem w the cupid scene in all of this is that it gives the impression that u have to come out in order to have ppl love u and trust u. a much better message to send is that the ppl who love u will love u before and after u come out. no isolation necessary.

#shows up over a month late w an essay-length response as to why nico’s arc in hoo sucked #are u not entertained?#also hi! just realized i never said that lol #nico #rr crit #hoo crit #disability #queerness #answered #min talks pjo

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iatrophilosophos · 4 months ago

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The other thing I'm thinking about this morning is the limitation of any one analytical lens and poor application of gender theory to interpersonal relationships.

Gonna frontload this post with the caveats that 1) this is about cafab relationships to transmisogyny, which i welcome discussion from anybody on but also recognize some ppl are just not invested in or interested in hearing, and thats fine 2) i am speaking from a place of good faith (classical def.) and assuming that we can take what people say about their intentions at face value and these topics are occurring within relationships with grace and legitimate desire to do right by eachother, even though this approach does not always work and is not an exhaustive or universal lens.

My friend said sumn last year that was really foundational for me--"there's always another explanation [for interpersonal instances of transmisogyny]". Meaning, transmisogyny is the sum of small and big events across a person's life, and for TMA people it doesn't really matter if a partner has hateful or "transmisogynistic" intentions behind an action that contributes to the structure. There's always a self-centered reason that has nothing to do with The Structure. My other friend has a line that I think also fits here, which is the idea that most people most of the time don't really have "rational" or cognizant motivations prior to action, just post hoc narrativization of why they did what they did. I don't know how much I agree, but I think it's an interesting lens to use to think about our past actions that can get useful results--how much of the story that I'm telling about this event got written after it, and how does that affect everything moving forward?

This stage setting brings us to a specific cohort that I've definitely been a part of and am working on distancing from: strong willed/bullheaded cafabs with significant personal needs and abrasive interpersonal tendencies. Being someone that only very aquiescing, self-sacrificing people can stand to be around means you're gonna benefit a lot interpersonally from transmisogyny, because trans women and especially young, vulnerable, and/or early transition women are gonna be a large % of the people you attract.

People in this cohort usually know it on some level IME and feel a lot of shame and anxiety around it. Transfem friends and partners will bring it up. We get one of the good ones type behaviors, compensatory hating and policing of other people, and white knighting; and we get various manifestations of definitional games that all fit into the "ontologically incapable of violence" header. Your classic uwuification of cafabs, but also misguidedly trying to find common ground and misconflating relationships to womanhood (talking abt how ppl treated you ten years ago doesn't paper over the thing You are doing Now), and getting into some really bizarre IME feminist ally dudebro shit that seems copypasted from 2012 cishet feminist ally lines (these are also??? Bad????)

All of this shit behavior can((see above caveat #2)) stem from being too lost in the sauce of structural analysis. I think the line that there's always another explanation has a corrolary: you can basically always, to varying levels of accuracy and usefulness, paint an interpersonal problem in the context of structural analysis. And this can be very useful, and it is mainly useful to people who are subject to that structural oppression to understand what is happening and why it feels bad. I see for my friends theory around transmisogyny often (but obviously not exclusively) function as a frame of understanding that says "it isn't your fault. No amount of personality modification will keep this from happening again. Time to take a different tract." This is very useful and good.*

However: this specific understanding of the function of transfeminist theory does not play the same for this cohort of cafab people, because behavioral modification IS the way to get better about shit and stop it from happening. In a lot of these circumstances WE have to understand explanations of transmisogyny as an explanation for why behaviors, attitudes and modes of interaction feel bad to our friends. Yet a third dear friend has a line in a piece of writing that I don't remember if is published or not that says, paraphrasing: "transmisogyny is not 'real', it is a concept we use to understand patterns and attitudes". The essence of a transmisogynist action or behavior or pattern that we exert towards our loved ones is only that it triggers a pattern and understanding of the world; not that it has a big red "GENDER CRIME" stamp on it somewhere.

If we want to throw off the benefits and privileges of being TME in the interpersonal sphere, we have to get fucking nicer to people. We have to yell less and listen more. We have to interrogate the ghosts of our loved ones that set up shop in our heads and challenge how they diverge from the evidence of the real people in front of us. We have to employ whatever dumbass therapyspeak tools let us be more thoughtful and intentional with how we treat eachother. We have to confront the anxiety that we are Problematic and not imbue metaphysical significance to the fact that we Hurt Someone, because that opens the door to us trying to fix it with yet more metaphysical action and not just going "oh, I need to work on the way I percieve your words because the way you express dissent doesn't immediately register to me and I've been steamrolling you for weeks. Shit, I'm sorry, can I ask some questions that will help me notice next time this comes up and react better?"

Finally I'm gonna end with this: transmisogyny as an understanding of lifetime patterns of experience is not One Thing that applies evenly to every TMA person. One of the biggest pieces of me landing on all this above is being frustrated about how everyone I know has a slightly different bar and I couldn't just "stop being transmisogynist", cuz different shit hurts different people. This is kinda my connecting thread to my earlier post about offensive jokes: once we hit the sphere of microaggressions and non-overt patterns and loved ones that want us to actually work on shit instead of divesting, there just isn't actually a prescriptive answer and we have to be familiar with the theory shorthands ppl around us are using, AND aware of how our personal tendencies and patterns of behavior fit into that theory, AND exercising curiosity and care to figure out what the tangible steps for people we love are.

*note that with all theory I do think that even this framing can get stretched to a point it is no longer accurate or useful to goals I think r worthwhile, but that's not my lane to talk about exhaustively.

#ok to rb

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dollfaceksj · 1 year ago

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Does jk rly only want oc because she looks like Mia:(….

i know i said jk x reader would be endgame but honestly, i’m gonna leave it up to you guys.

ps: some ppl still seem to be confused abt some things so let me make it clear

taehyung DOES NOT have feelings for y/n. idk how much more clear i had to make that in the previous drabble but im saying it now

reader was NEVER pregnant. that’s why they’re called SCARES.

taste of a poison paradise | jjk (m) #34

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you raised your shaky fist and quickly knocked on his front door

you tried to keep your sobs contained but ultimately failed

your sleeves were full of tears and snot and you had no more space on them to clean yourself up

the door swung open and there he was, headphones on his head and controller in his hand with a complimentary annoyed pinch between his brows

he looked annoyed for a few seconds from being interrupted while playing but the moment he saw your state, instant concern seeped onto his expression and his stomach dropped

“what happened?” he asked immediately

you glanced inside of his apartment to make sure he was alone

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i don’t know what to do. i never meant for this to happen,” you rambled, choking on tears and sobs

he instantly took his headphones off and tossed them and his controller at his couch with no regard whether they landed safely or not before pulling you inside and closing the door behind you. “hey, hey. breathe. tell me what happened.”

“i swear i didn’t mean for this to happen, taehyung. i’m so sorry. i don’t know what to do. i’m panicking, please, don’t be mad at me. please, don’t be mad.” you stumbled over every word, barely being understandable with how hard you were sobbing

“hey,” he whispered as he gently shook you by your shoulders to get you to your senses. “i told you to breathe. tell me what happened.”

you had never just shown up this upset and it made his heart beat faster with panic but he had to stay calm for you

you took a few breaths to calm yourself down before opening your mouth to say, “i’m late. my period is late. it should’ve come through 4 days ago but it still hasn’t. please, please, don’t be mad at me.”

he blinked at you in confusion for a few seconds before the realization ultimately set on his face

this was the first time something like this had happened

you’d never had any problems or worries for the almost 3 years you and taehyung had been there

but you two were just halfway through your junior year and you had one more year to go

you dreamed of being seniors with taehyung

and this was going to ruin it

taehyung instantly pulled you into a hug to comfort you and stroked your head to calm you down. “don’t worry, i’m not mad. things like this happen. whatever happens, i’m here. i mean, that’s why i’m here right? i’m here to help. i’ll always be by your side.”

you sobbed into his chest, messing up his shirt but he paid no mind to it and continued to comfort you

“please, please don’t tell my parents, tae. they will kill me.”

“of course i won’t. if they killed you, how would i annoy you?” he attempted to make you smile and it worked, even though he couldn’t see your face. “besides, they’d kill me too.”

you sniffled a couple of times before pulling your face back to look at him. “what do you mean? it’s my fault.”

he shook his head and gently wiped your tears with his thumbs. “you’re my responsibility. i won’t let you take all the blame.”

you tried so hard not to bawl all over again. you never did anything to deserve someone like tae

you didn’t want to put all that responsibility on him but in that moment you didn’t know what else to do

“hyunjin’s?” he quietly asked as he rubbed the pad of his thumb in between your brows to smooth out the pinch between your brows

hyunjin was your boyfriend at the time

he didn’t want to offend you and imply you’d been cheating or anything like that, but it was clear he wanted to be sure about everything

you slowly nodded your head, sniffing quietly

“does he know?”

you shook your head in response

taehyung was the first to know

taehyung was the first to know everything

always

he exhaled deeply. “okay. whatever happens, it’s okay. if you’re pregnant, whatever you want to do, we’ll do it.”

“i’m still in school, i can’t have a baby right now.” you had finally started calming down a bit and it was all thanks to taehyung

he nodded quickly and said, “okay. we’ll book an appointment at the clinic then.”

you sniffed softly. “but abortions are so expensive.”

he frowned and shook his head. “don’t worry about the price, alright? i told you, you’re my responsibility. just rely on me, okay?”

you knew taehyung didn’t have that kind of money

you never wanted to put that amount of responsibility on taehyung, never

but in that moment you were so scared

so damn scared

that you just nodded your head and continued to hug him

he led you to his bed and cuddled you for the rest of the night, talking about your favorite topics and even leaving to go to the nightshop at one point to go get your favorite tub of ben & jerry’s ice cream

“aren’t you gonna get banned from the game for leaving during an online match?” you asked, sounding muffled from being buried in his chest

you knew taehyung absolutely loved gaming, everyone knew that

he was always gaming

so him having to ditch made you feel guilty

but he simply hummed in response.

and you tried so hard not to start crying again because you genuinely don’t deserve him

thankfully, it turned out to be just a scare and no extra steps had to be taken

either way, taehyung never viewed you any different and he dropped everything to help you

he’d do it again in a heartbeat

which he did when your second scare happened a year later and it went exactly like this one

[present]

staring at all of it scattered on your floor

the image of taehyung running through the rain to get you this stuff

to then walk in on what he walked in on

you can’t take it

and that’s when you drop to the floor

your hands reaching for the korean fried chicken scattered across your floor

and it’s seriously burning the skin on your fingers

you hiss, the smoke coming off the chicken and your skin is a clear indicator that the food is piping hot

you can’t believe it

not taehyung

you can’t lose taehyung

“stop that!”

jungkook’s voice rings in your ears as he smacks the chicken out of your hands and reaches for paper towels to clean the hot sticky remnants of your fingers

all the emotions you kept hidden in front of taehyung are just pouring out of you

you don’t even care about the mia thing

you don’t even care about your business being aired

all you care about right now is taehyung

“he hates m– don’t touch me,” you shriek, trying to fight against jungkook, hitting, punching, pushing against his chest in an attempt to get him off

the only person you need to tell you everything’s gonna be okay is taehyung

you need taehyung

jungkook lets you get some of your emotions out but when you continue to hit him, he grabs your wrists to stop you

you keep staring at the spilled food

your throat burning

eyes stinging

nose running

“calm down,” is all jungkook says when you continue to fight against him but he’s too strong for you. “he doesn’t hate you, he’s just upset.”

your arms slowly start giving up and your eyes travel up to meet his

and his eyes are just genuine

staring at you like there’s no doubt in his mind that taehyung still loves and cares for you

and that’s when the tears start uncontrollably pouring out of your eyes

you sob, head held down whilst jungkook still holds your wrists

you collapse forwards, straight into jungkook’s chest

sobbing and sobbing

the shirt he’s wearing is taehyung’s

it smells like your laundry detergent and faintly like taehyung

you grip the shirt, holding onto it like it’s a piece of taehyung

“i don’t want him to hate me. i swear i never meant to hurt him like that. he’s really hurt. what do i do? what if he never wants to see me again?”

no one will ever understand the bond you share with tae

he’s your best friend. your brother. your soulmate

he loves you like a parent

cares for you like a best friend

protects you like a brother

and annoys you like all 3 of those in one

you would’ve never been here without him

“he doesn’t hate you. he just exploded after all that. that doesn’t make it okay but it does make him human. hyung would run a million laps around the perimeter of the earth with bare feet until the skin of his feet fell off just to see you smile. you know that.”

jungkook continues to talk sense into you

even though he’s also shaken up from being threatened by tae and exposed like that

taehyung has never threatened him before

they’ve just had dumb arguments here and there but nothing like this

jungkook himself is trembling with the fear of taehyung hating him

because that could actually be the case

but he’s ignoring his own panic and emotions to talk you down because he knows taehyung could truly never hate you

after awhile of soothing back rubs and occasional shaky breaths

you pull out of jungkook’s embrace

you look up at him and wipe your nose

and you see his red nose and teary eyes too

you want to tell him to fuck off

that you never want to see him again

that you hate him

unfortunately you get slapped in the face with the reality of your feelings for him

cause you can’t help but want to hear him out

but

all you can bring yourself to say

is, “mia…?”

at this, jungkook sighs

you wipe your eyes with the sleeve of your robe and get up from the floor, pushing him off

you walk up to the sink, washing off some of the remnants of the sauce on the chicken that the paper towels couldn’t get off

in your peripherals you see jungkook rising to his feet too, softly sniffing

you swallow in hopes to calm yourself down before turning to him. “are you still in love with her? is that why you want me? is that why you think you’re in love with me?”

he sighs deeply and rubs his eyes, wiping his tears with the paper towel

“no, y/n. you’ve got it all wrong.”

you cross your arms. “then speak or i swear, i’ll lose it.” your voice gets shaky towards the end and you’re getting emotional again

he finally looks at you. “i’m not in love with her because i fucking hate her, alright?”

…

where have you heard that one before?

“is that supposed to make me feel better? you said the exact same thing about me 2 months ago.”

he shakes his head again. “hyung doesn’t know the whole story and he just fucking messed everything up,” he grumbles whilst running his hand through his hair

“then tell me the story alread–!”

“she cheated, okay?” he slightly raises his voice but immediately repeats himself in a calmer tone. “she cheated.”

you stare at him with teary eyes, wanting him to keep going

he deeply sighs. “i’m not gonna go out like my mom.”

fuck

right

his mom was lying on a cold metal table in a morgue while his father was burying his junk in someone else’s trunk

you slightly scrunch your nose to try and stop yourself from getting emotional again

he continues, “yes. you look like her. i won’t deny that.” he stays where he is, just scanning you from a distance for your reactions.

“but you are absolutely nothing alike.”

you fight the urge to roll your eyes at this

“when i first met her in high school, she was all over me. i loved the attention she gave me. it made me feel like i was at the top of the fucking world. her love for me made me like her. i know that’s fucked up but i realized way later.”

you stay quiet as he explains, blinking at him and trying to stay as neutral as possible

“but you,” he pauses, shaking his head. “you wanted nothing to do with me. i didn’t get it. i didn’t like you because of that. a lot of people would say it would intrigue them but it hurt my ego.”

you didn’t know that

“but as time went on i felt myself craving your validation just because i wanted to prove to you that i was likeable. that i wasn’t gross or nothing more than just a fuckboy. that i did have something good to offer.”

he quietly sniffles and wipes his newer tears with the back of his hand

you didn’t know he was still holding onto those things you said

but after finding out about his trauma…

“i had to put in work for you. it was completely different as it was with her. and the moment i realized i was feeling something for you, i got defensive and didn’t want to admit it. you being with yoongi just reminded me of when she cheated but not because you look alike, but simply because i’d been in a situation like this before.”

you take a deep breath. “did you say you hated my features because they reminded you of her?”

he stays quiet for a few moments.

“yes.”

you turn to the sink again and lean against it with your arms, hanging your head down

“no matter how shitty of me it was, i realized i needed to stay away from you until i got my shit together cause in that moment i did think i wanted you because of her. and that’s when i isolated for two months.”

you try not to cry but the silent tears make a whole lot of noise when they land in the sink

“but then i saw you at that party, it made me realize what the fuck i was doing was bullshit. you came dressed like a fallen angel. covered in blood, a broken halo, clipped wings. it made me realize even with all that,” he pauses, “you’re still an angel. you’re still y/n. not mia. the extra things on your costume were like your similar features because they didn’t define you, much less what i felt for you. you still make my heart beat out of my chest. you still make me want to launch myself at the sun. you still make me wonder what i did to be so lucky to even spend a minute of my day with you. and it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.”

you sniff quietly, moving your hand up to wipe your runny nose with the back of your hand

“she’s engaged now and i’m happy she found what she was looking for. i wasn’t mad that she left me, i was mad that she cheated. it made me feel like trash. it reminded me of my dad. and if i was really so obsessed with her like hyung says, wouldn’t all the girls i slept with look like her? does eunbi look like you? does isabella? does hyunjoo? areum? miyoung? sahee? han–”

“i get it,” you mumble.

like man ain’t nobody trynna hear that shit rn😒

and he’s right

you look absolutely nothing like those girls

you slowly turn to look at him and he sniffs again, wiping his runny nose and he clearly doesn’t care about wiping his tears anymore

you rub your own arms in comfort

“alright. you’ve said your piece. aren’t you going to ask about my dirty laundry?”

he squints his eyes at you. “did you lie to me about being on the pill?”

you truthfully shake your head in response

“then whatever happened back then is none of my business.”

okay.

you didn’t expect that

it’s quiet for a few moments

real quiet

until he speaks up

he quietly sniffles when he asks, “do you want me to leave?”

to be continued

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kuwanxs · 6 days ago

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Hellooo there was something abt your post that kinda got me thinking. The mha fandom has always been populated by mostly fem and general queer people, which is probably the reason why these toxic brodudes were SO pissed whenever anything queer looking would happen in the story, and why their reaction to 430 was so bitter and vindictive. They hate when they see the queers feeling like they have been catered to, and they hate having to be creative by themselves.

I watched a video by a yt named Shaun, abt a fake outrage that the same kind of brodudes instigated, but with the difference being that it was abt video games. He said something that seriously makes sense even in the context of mha and various other mangas.

"They don't want to be a part of diversity, they want to be superior to it. They don't want a game with the option to cater to them, they want to be the ones who the game solely caters to".

And to me, that is exactly what 431 is.

Now i'm gonna be honest, my opinion of Hori wasn't the greatest before, and after that it just became really sour. But i recognized his capabilities and his passion. So being as chariable as possible coming from me; i think he just got angry that he had to see people criticizing the previous ending in such a humiliating way. It wouldn't be surprising, since the the fuss they made wasn't just in one place, it was everywhere. Everyone was spreading misinformation to hell and back and even attacking him personally.

He tried his best to counter all of what they were saying, by making everything they wanted a possibility at the very last minute. But, as you know, the things they wanted were absolutely nothing but the bland, underdeveloped het ship becoming canon. And for that, everything had to be dumbed down, forgotten, or forced in a shoddy way. Now all the same ppl who were pissed are praising him for "fixing" his ending.

He'll probably try to do damage control if the backlash of now gets to him, by like, idk making family/romantic illustrations for Iz/och? Which to me personally will just mean that he really is that lazy or weak willed. But maybe he will just show cool illustrations and stay quiet.

I think you are sooooo right about dudebros wanting a piece of media to only be catered to them. Your quotation is also so on point.

The biggest problem with mha is that it’s debut, and the initial few years of its publication, it mainly garnered a very dudebro like fanbase. Even during the first half of 2020 when it blew up, it catered heavily to dudebros with fan service and power scaling. The issue is that eventually as the manga transcended to become something that was much more inclusive, it stopped catering to these guys.

I have always said this but a man’s biggest enemy is women and queer people. So when a fanbase garners a massive female and queer audience, it becomes a job for these guys to shame said consumers who actually heavily heavily contribute to the popularisation of said media. I’m not sure if you have seen the video of that woman on tiktok who went viral for crying over chapter 431 and how aggressive these “normal” guys were towards her. I believe infiltration of fandom spaces mainly happens when the author tries to cater to EVERY side of the audience, the dudebros, women, queer people. And it simply cannot work that way. This is something i have always critiqued on Hori’s part, that despite that sheer density and strength of his story, he becomes directionless when it comes to appealing to certain sides of the fandom. Which is why we get sm fan service, sm forced izcha crumbs, its Hori’s attempt at keeping both bkdks and izchs happy. And it simply does not work that way.

However, i truly truly thought his choice of ending 430 the way he did was groundbreakingly beautiful. It was the most amazing open ending we could’ve had. But his choice to publish 431, which, he too, seemed unwilling to, really undid 430 chapters of his hard work because not only did it fracture the narrative and corrupt the characters but it also dismantled everything he had built. In a way, it also very much ruined mha in multiple ways.

I hadn’t seen a relationship as beautiful as tgchk and bkdk in shounen before, it was so raw and jarring in so many ways. And as a bisexual woman, Toga’s conclusion felt very dear and personal to me. But sadly, the ending really left a hole in my heart. So when i see these dudebros violently trashing ships and calling them senseless I cannot help but feel super sad because in a way, after chapter 430 the number of these aggressive dudebros had significantly reduced maybe because they were forced to come in terms with the finale. But 431 really resurfaced them in the worst way possible.

#mha #bkdk

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drdemonprince · 2 months ago

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This is a dumb question and I’m high so it might be incoherent - but would it be strange or a bad idea to join fetlife as someone who is pretty inexperienced, and completely so with kink? I’m a 25 yr old repressed dyke late bloomer and I’ve been trying lex because I appreciate the post format there where you can explain bluntly what you’re looking for, but I live in a smaller city and it’s tumbleweeds and crickets. What I appreciate from the discussions I’ve sought out from ppl in kink scenes is their comfort talking abt / negotiating sex earnestly and openly - I wanna get over my fear of gay dating too etc etc but I also just wanna fuck and the dating apps available to me (banned from tinder, tme so not gonna act like a chaser and use grinder dykishly) seem pretty inhospitable to profiles tailored towards hookups / fwb. And I am notttt smooth enough to cruise at bars to be frank and real 😩 any place on fetlife for a baby dyke service top looking for girls to show them the ropes?

First, let me just tell you that if you're horny and looking to fuck you should absolutely get on Grindr to chat with the dolls are you fucking kidding me!!! Grindr is now officially an "all genders" app, but it has always been utilized by trans women & trans men alike, and a 25-year-old dyke seeking hookups could do real fuckin numbers over there with the girlies. As long as you are okay with having to ignore a lot of messages from dudes and block people as needed, you should ABSOLUTELY get on the platform and message some hot trans women.

As for your main question: Fetlife is a great place to start looking for hookups, too. It's not as fast-paced as Grindr, say, but you should be able to find local groups and events through there, and perhaps see some local cuties on the dashboard that you can slide into the DM's of. The more complete your profile & active you are as a poster on there, the more eyeballs you will get in front of, but generally it's a far more self-directed app than most social media apps of today. That means you'll have to search the tags, events, groups, etc that interest you and put yourself out there.

I've had some amazing hookups and relationships off that app, attended some sex parties, and gotten more plugged into the existing kink scene, and you can too! Even friends of mine living in more remote areas like distant exurbs of Winnipeg and shit have been able to find dungeons, local hypnosis munches, play partners, and Dominants on there. Kinky people have a way of making shit happen! You might even be surprised how many spaces are quietly all around you right now.

You may even be able to use a local queer kinky personals type group to mention that you're an aspiring service top looking for some helpful bottoms. I think you'll have no problem finding some eager beavers on that front -- lots of wlw are looking for dykey top, and some of them are actually communicative, generous bottoms who will help show you the way and value your topping for the gift that it is. Again, be prepared to ignore messages from people who don't interest you or squick you out, and to block men/couples looking for a unicorn/anyone else who ignores your preferences on your profile and messagesyou, as that kind of thing will happen. But personally, I consider that a fair tax to have to pay for getting to use a free-flowing, openly sexual platform where hookups can be secured relatively quickly and you can post nudes.

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fight-nights-at-freddys · 1 month ago

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hey there! Feel free to block me if you want, especially if you find this rude or anything. This is actually genuine, i’m NOT being sarcastic or anti.

i’m on the fence about proshipping. On the one hand, don’t like it? Don’t read it. I’ve read some crazy fanfiction that teeters on the line, but that’s not the point. On the other hand, it gets to a point where…you’re just normalizing r@pe or inc3st in fiction. And people say it’s just fiction, but fiction can definitely influence reality! But writing shouldn’t be censored. People should be free to write what they want, however they want. It’s art and should be treated with the same diligence. However, the when, where and how proshipping fanfics are presented SHOULD MATTER. It’s not censorship to require warning tags, or restrict it from young readers more severely.

okay, that’s my little rant lol. Again, i’m not gonna think you hate me if you block me and never answer this ask. Just wanted to get some other points of view and share my own.

dwdw. and thank you for being so respectful and nice abt it <3 anti or not, its always appreciated/gen

and i (personally) have some views that are probably pretty controversial LMAO. Which is pretty much, if something is normalized in fiction and it doesn’t breach over into real life, we’re okay.

say for instance, murder is common in fiction, it has been justified, shown as good, etc etc. practically doesn’t get portrayed or seen as bad. yet irl if someone goes out there and kills a random family, ppl aren’t going to go “oh yeah, thats normal” they’re going to be upset and appalled for what that persons done.

same thing with incest and rape, theres been a lot of fanfics over the years that have those two things, yet both are absolutely abhorrent in real life bc they hurt people, and no amount of normalizing it in fiction will normalize it irl.

And we can even get into old examples like with Greek Mythology where rape and the incest were seen as normal(-ish) in the stories, and still, people think that those things are horrible in real life, so fiction didn’t affect reality there. So, why would it change with like, idk, a wincest or willmike fics.

yes writing can influence reality, but only if you let it. Do research, look at studies, don’t rely on words that a random person made up to tell a story, because then, you are at fault, not the creator or the work. (You spoken generally here, not at you anon)

If you live your life and base your knowledge only on fiction and nothing more, then yeah, your reality is going to be skewed, but again, thats not the fictions fault. - 🧁🍕

ofcofc! so, just to clear up any confusion, being proship JUST means being anti-harassment, and pro-ship and let ship. you don't gotta like what other people ship, you just gotta respect them enough to be able to block and move on.

i def agree, tags should be applied correctly, and mature content should be age restricted, but there's a limit to that imo. like, i wouldn't agree with sites making you show your ID or anything, due to the invasion of privacy, when a lot of the issue of kids being in spaces they shouldn't be could be solved by better parenting.

i also don't agree that certain kinds of fiction "normalize" rape or incest. fiction CAN influence reality, sure, but it's never gonna make you go from "incest bad" to "incest good" just from watching, like. game of thrones, ya know? there would 100% have to be a problem with the individual to begin with to even reach those kinda conclusions (and that's largely a problem with lack of parenting, education, or mental health resources)

my point is, if someone reads a yucky darkfic, and rape/murder/incest/whatever is depicted as good, it is still on you as the viewer as to how you react to it.

again, it's totally fine to think those kinds of fics/ships are disgusting! you're allowed to feel your feelings! but to assume that everyone who reads those fics has even the potential to be bad people just because they read those things is, like. objectively the wrong way to go about things

#/nm ofc - 🏁🎸

#proship #pro ship #proshippers please interact #pro shippers please interact #anti anti #profiction #pro fiction #profic #pro fic #anon #🧁🍕#🏁🎸

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kienansidhe · 10 months ago

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the thing is for a long long time i did subscribe to the idea that transfems have it the worst of all of us and that transmascs do have systemic power over transfems, and im still not sure i dont believe it? however.

the transandrophobia/transmisandry/whatever you wanna call it blogs that i follow specifically clarify over and over and over that they are not trying to say transmisogyny doesnt exist, or to make it a contest of whos most oppressed, or to say trans women have systemic power over trans men, or anything of the sort, they have made that disclaimer so many times and yet over the years i have seen that making that disclaimer does not help.

if transmascs speak up abt transphobia, we are bombarded with harassment and willful misinterpretation of our words. no matter how many disclaimers, no matter how much we keep the conversation to our own posts, no matter how many steps we take to avoid taking space away from transfems, we still get these accusations of transmisogyny, just for talking about our own lived experiences.

we shouldnt have to grovel and beg other queer people to allow us to talk about the oppression we experience. we shouldnt have to couch it in 500 disclaimers, and even when we do people try to silence us.

im absolutely not blaming this on transfems, btw. many of the most supportive ppl on this site who boost transmasc voices are transfems who are incredibly kind and wonderful and smart people. the transfems who are radfemmy and separatist are not any more representative of transfems in general than the transmascs who are radfemmy and separatist are representative of transmascs in general. i suspect most of the problem are cis ppl. i know many are fellow transmascs who either pass and dont experience the problems most of us face, or else have been taught that in order to be good allies to transfems they have to disavow their siblings who are still fighting to be heard, like its a zero sum game and they have to pick sides.

maybe transfems do have it unequivocally worse, full stop. im not rlly that smart or good at interpreting data and different people tell me different things and if i think too much abt it i start spiraling. but i dont like that so many people on this site take transmascs talking abt our struggles as an inherent attack on transfems. thats that part i rlly dont understand. thats why i keep asking why we cant just get along. why cant these discussions happen in parallel?

if someone tells me transfems have it worse, sure, that doesnt bother me to accept and be aware of and take into consideration in how i live my life. but when people tell me transfems have it worse, therefore transmascs should shut up? thats incomprehensible to me. thats just transphobia.

#headspace #transphobia #transandrophobia #transmisandry #this is rlly rambly sorry idk how to be concise x_x

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sun-stricken · 11 months ago

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Headcannoms about friendship between Bickslow and Gray? I like to think after the fighting festival he really tries to make it up to Gray.

Gray: ‘we’re chill. It’s fine.’

Bickslow: ‘my babies will now perform a dance of apology’

Also a scenario I’d like to share!

Lucy: hey, Gray I picked up your mail. Why do you have a letter from a modelling agency?

Gray: oh that. I don’t know they just keep sending me them even though I’ve told them no.

Lucy: you’ve turned them down repeatedly?! *while crying inside*

Gray: yeah? It’s weird ‘cause I didn’t even apply.

Lucy: Lucy kick!

i for some reason hadn’t considered the idea of them having a close friendship, but i am now so here! a gift !

i had so much fun with this

* my personal hc is that Bickslows dolls feel a lot of what he himself feels, and also theyre kinda like birds

* so they too try to make it up to Gray, they bring him little things they find, such as shiny rocks, pins, and other tiny objects they find

* Bickslow just nods in approval from the sidelines when they bring them to Gray

* They were both fairly awkward with each other post festival but after Bickslow gave Gray an honest apology they began to turn over a new leaf

* people find the friendship strange tbh, Gray is known as this vaguely calm and like, super normal guy, and Bickslow is just— not

* theyre surprisingly comfortable with each other

* they dont hang out a lot outside the guild, but thats not to say they dont ever,

* While they dont work the best together and it took a while be able to fight along side on another,

* If the Thunder Legion and Team Natsu have to pair up usually they do bc they’re comfortable with each other and trust can go a long way

* theyre both texting fiends, like its a problem how much they message their friends, so when they found out the other was the same oh my god was it a train wreck

* their conversations can go for hours and if you read through them youd probably have an aneurysm because the topics make no sense and Bix doesn’t even try to spell correctly

* They have gotten close and friendly but that doesnt mean theu ever know what to expect from the other, their opinions and thoughts are so different from each other, if rhey ever have the same idea its like all the stars and planet’s have aligned and world is about to end

* Bickslows hair is naturally black and Gray helped him dye it once and they deadass looked they walk out the smurf set for weeks, Bix’s bathroom looked like they murdered a hundred of them

* Gray has an affinity for collecting hand weapons (swords, spears, bows, etc) while Bickslow likes taking apart and building old bombs (actual explosive grenades, land mines, smoke/flash grenades)

* they bonded over it and talked about it in public and terrified about 20 people rhat were in earshot

* theyre both a big hit with kids

* Bickslow gets added to the long list of people who barge into Gray house unannounced

* a lot of the time they will talk (coughcomplaincough) about two different things in the same convo

* Bickslow: the cops were at my door again last night because of the inactive grenade i threw in the fountain, woke me up and everything

* Gray: ugh, i hate that, Natsu blew up a building again and Erza yelled at the both of us

* Bickslow: thats so rude, do you think i should make another one and send it to them?

* Gray: totally, she knew it wasnt me but i still got scolded

so happy ppl have realized how pretty Gray is, now we’re gonna talk abt it bc im an overachiever

* Hes been scouted by plenty of different modeling agencies over the years, which really boosted his ego but very quickly became annoying as hell bc he never even applied

* He gets a couple a month, and he accepted once just to get them off his back and found it really embarrassing bc he was everywhere

* his friends in and outside the guild bought the magazines he was featured in and teased him mercilessly and he never stepped foot in another agency ever again

* Hes really photogenic but hates gets his photo taken, most of the pictures hes in ‘willingly’ hes glaring at the camera

* he now just blocks the numbers they call him on and throws out the letter they send him, if they stop him on the street he will walk away before the conversation even starts

* when Lucy found out something inside her died a little

* she pestered him about it and said she’ll go with him! he wont even have to take the money for it! she’ll take it! 😁

* she gets shot down every time but that doesnt mean she quit trying

#fairy tail #gray fullbuster #bickslow #ft bickslow #wth is his last name #sun strickens ft #sun stricken answers #anon ask #major mAJOR chaotic + normal chaotic #fairy tail headcanons #fairy tail incorrect quotes #gray is pretty im so happy ppl agree #hes pretty in universe too #i do make the rules #is it caller the thunder legion?#it is now

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stvrl0st · 2 days ago

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tw: vent/sh mentioned 😞

(ik im rly sry i just need to say something&i can't talk to anyone irl)

so tomorrow or today whatever is christmas eve

"oh star what's the problem with that?? it's christmas!!!"

my cousins. I know how bitchy that sounds but they make me so mad/sad whenever I see them, yes I know they are 4, 5, & 14. but the 14yo one makes me feel so bad abt myself whenever I see her

"star your being over emotional they're KIDS."

YES. EXACTLY. OVER EMOTIONAL.

if you know me irl you would know I'm so overly sensitive&emotional I've been like that since I was like 8 idk

but anyway

my cousins are just spoiled. really spoiled.

in 2022 we were all playing the dice game&their mom kept stealing the things I want for the 5 year old&14 year old (obviously they weren't that age in 2022) ik i sound spoiled but that's how it always is

on my birthday in 2022 we celebrated the 4yo bday with mine, he got an entire CAKE&like 18 presents. I got ONE cupcake&i left for like 1 hourh&nobody called,or looked for me until i came back upstairs

the 14yo always copies me

she said she hated school for good&evil&other things i like

my mom is buying her all of the things SHE picked on me for liking

my family ALWAYS puts them first, when they always have their parents around

&the thing is we aren't even actually related, only two of them are sorta related to us, the 14yo isn't, her dad married my aunt&I've never felt a single connection to any of them

that's how it is for my family too tbh like i say I love them but I don't feel anything for them i haven't since I was 10

"stoppp you obviously feel love for them your just stressed"

no, i genuinely think something is wrong with me, I don't feel love, sympathy, sadness, ect ect for them, i don't know why I just haven't for a long time, on my birthday this year I was sorta rude but that was because I just felt bad, so my mom talked to me&said that why I'm 'angry' all the time is because of what my biological mom did to me when I was a baby (no she didn't abuse me she just like emotionally hurt me or some shit)&that i push ppl away because I'm "scared they'll hurt me" (omg I got my y/n moment)

okay but why I'm scared for tomorrow is that I know for a FACT that I will relapse.

"how do you know?? & if you do, you can just stop it?.. or tell someone to just be by you the whole time?.."

because i can just tell

whenever someone yells at me, or says something, or calls me names, I just hit a wall&i just go to yk

I know I know talk abt overdramatic 💀

I can't just stop, I've tried a lot, but I can't. i don't know how to explain it, but I just can't

I cannot tell anyone because I already did that in september&i said I was attention seeking&i didn't need help because it was just 'cat scratches' & that i would get sent to a hospital if I kept doing this

I CANNOT say anything or my life WILL be ruined

"tell a friend!!"

I literally do not have ANY friends irl, when i say that I mean it

&more ppl are gonna be coming tomorrow&i can't do it it's genuinely going to be so hard. I have to go to church, I'm not even sure i believe in god anymore. but yesss i can't say that because then I'll get called satanic or some shit

I HATE holidays&i was literally PRAYING i would make it to christmas

I know I'm not going to which makes me feel so bad abt myself

#vents over yay

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my-castles-crumbling · 2 months ago

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SO cas…

how do u know if someone’s in love with you?

I’m terrible at reading people- always have been. But I think someone I know might be interested in me. I’m really not sure tho.

She’s been in my eng lit class since sixth form begun (i’m in yr13, so it’s been just over a year) and she was sorta my enemy. We would disagree on the books, our opinions of the characters and we’d get into semi arguments over what we thought in the middle of class (which my teachers luckily didn’t mind cause he’s cool). And we were competing for best grades.

We slowly became friends through our weird competitiveness, and after a few months we were something more than enemies. She invited me to her new year’s party (weird to think it’s kinda nearly 2025 now), I went and we hung out there even tho it was a big thing and a bunch of ppl were there, and then after that we were more like frenemies.

She’s kind of popular and i’m not, and my friends have been teasing me since we started hanging out more that i have a crush on her and we’re gonna start dating, you know the gist.

But I don’t even know if shes into girls.

And I don’t know how I feel about her, I haven’t let myself think about that, I was just enjoying being her friend.

Anyway, we got closer over the spring term and then when we had mocks I had a panic attack, and she really helped me.

And then we hung out over the summer a lot.

More than I usually do with one person, I tend to have a limit with people and then I just can’t socialise anymore, but it’s not so much there with her.

Anyway, since we got back to skl she’s been really touchy, I don’t normally like touch but when she’s doing it, it makes me feel a little warm.

And now she’s sat with me in eng lit, she keeps nudging my arm and resting her head on my shoulder, and last week she looked up at me through her eyelashes, blinked and then asked me to please let her doodle on my hand.

I always let her do that, I like the sensation, and I was just joking around saying no, and she knew that, but like, my friend teased me about it and he said that he’d never heard her say please before.

I rolled my eyes but in hindsight I realised that’s sort of true. She’s polite to people, but she sort of has this air of “i’m perfect” around her that means she doesn’t remember to use manners, I don’t think it’s on purpose, she’s unlearning a lot from her parents, but I realised that i’d never noticed this cause she does use manners AROUND ME.

I don’t know what that means.

Also I think my entire eng class ships us now ngl. They literally are so invested. So’s my eng teacher. He’s gay and he keeps laughing behind his hand when the class makes jokes about us (they’re nice jokes dw).

Anyway, that most of it I think.

I can’t tell if she’s just going along with the joke cause she’s popular and she’s often said she combats rumours abt her dating boys by just letting people take abt it and move on… or if maybe she likes me?

I don’t have any real reason to think she actually likes me. Except this one thing.

I broke a bracelet over the summer from my sister that I love… I have a lot of problems with jewellery, I love them but only very specific things. I hate bracelets I can’t take off quickly in case I suddenly get the urge to have nothing touching my skin. And my sister had gotten me this bracelet with tiny beads (I hate bracelets with beads cause they’re big and press into my wrist weirdly) with a material i actually liked and I fell in love with it and wore it everyday.

And it broke.

And I couldn’t get a replacement cause she got it like four years ago and the brand was a little business in a country we went on holiday to back then.

And literally, when i told her it broke, she learnt how to make bracelets, bought these fiddly things that get tiny beads onto string, found and bought the exact string I liked, learnt how to tie it to make those, you pull and it loses, you pull the string to tighten it (like anklets) tie, and took the beads i’d collected from the pavement when it broke and kept in a little bowl sadly, and remade the bracelet.

She remade my bracelet.

I’d tried, to figure out how I was gonna remake it, but I couldn’t figure it out and it was so fiddly and confusing and she just- did it.

I don’t wanna assume she wouldn’t do that for a friend but- surely that’s a little clue right? That maybe she likes me as more than a friend.

Plus she’s not super touchy. Just with me. And she does like to make things for people but not like that, not from scratch.

Anyway i’m gonna stop now just- yeah help meeee?????? thxxxxxxxxxxx 💕

Hi!

I'm going to be so honest and say I'm terrible at this stuff. But it's obvious that she cares very deeply for you.

My question is, is she very touchy when you're alone? Because you said sometimes she plays things up to combat rumors, but what about when nobody is around? And like...how is she touchy? I feel like I'll lean against my friends and stuff, but I don't really hold their hands or stare into their eyes. So yeah, what does she do when you're alone?

Naming you enemies anon

#ask #asks #ask cas #enemies anon

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