#ironic considering im so sleepy all of the time

[butchdykekondraki]

bitches (headmates) hate me for my swag (ability to front for days on end without being tired of it)

[lazyalani]

| Genshin Men

| Waking up with them

| fluff, sickly sweet fluff, cuddler kuni is canon im hoyo, id isekai just to feel tighnaris tail, a post after 2 days of staring in the air?? i say its a development, swearing cuz its me, no dialogue

Ft. Zhongli, Childe, Wanderer, Kazuha, Tighnari

| Genshin Impact Masterlist

| Main Masterlist

ZHONGLI - is like having a housewife

You either wake up with him or wake up to him making food. When you wake up with him, you would most likely be either in the same position as you slept or moved a little and changed how you face him and the other side. He definitely isn't a mover when asleep. And when he hugs you when you both fall asleep, you're not getting out hun. So he's probably the one keeping you from falling out of the bed or moving too much if you move too much when you sleep. When you don't wake up with him though, you wake up to the smell of tea. He's a morning person I bet, wakes up really early and prepares tea and food, whichever you like. He'd be wearing a cute apron if you decide to play with him, but he'd most likely still wear it. On most days, he'll wake you up wearing that cute apron and help you freshen up, but on some days, especially when you seem upset or something bad happened or when you had a disagreement, he'll bring you breakfast in bed. If you have work, he's never gonna let you sleep in. He's a personal alarmclock you can't turn off, those '5 more minutes' won't work on him. He might just consider it but when time's up, it's up. When he wakes up, he'd already be preparing tea and yoir clothes. Zhongli is the type to remember your schedule, too, so don't even think about telling him you don't have work just so you could sleep in. So waking up with him is definitely like a housewife, or a mom.

CHILDE - is a mission

Man, this guy is very busy, so he tends to make it up when sleeping. You cannot tell me he doesn't have certain issues regarding having a romantic partner, like safety issues or something. His grip's harder than rock, girly. He's the one to be really afraid of you getting taken away when he's sleeping so he unconciously does this while hugging you to sleep. Why am I talking about this? Cuz you aren't getting out of his arms that easy when you wake up hugged by him. When you get out of your dazing state and decide you're hungry or want to go to the toilet, you'll move and realize, oh, you have fucking iron tied to your body, oh actually, it's just Childe! And when you begin to struggle to get out, he wakes up and them boom, it just gets harder from that especially when he's on break or vacation. This man's not letting you go easily. Tell him to let go? No, he's comfortable this way. Tell him you need to go to the toilet? Oh, you can hold it for a few more minutes. Tell him you're hungry? You won't die not getting to eat for a few minutes. Tell him you're going to get sleepy again if you don't get up? Then sleep and cuddle with him again. Tell him you have work? You aren't going to get kicked out from being late for a day (it's like this everyday) (you aren't getting fired because harbinger things). Tell him he has work? Considers it but his subordinates won't die from him being a few minutes late. The best option is to either kick him in the balls and run or give up and hug him for a few minutes (hours). So yeah, waking up with him is a mission.

WANDERER - is cute

SO AAAAAAAAAAAA let's calm down. You know how he probably gets nightmares when he sleeps? YEAH THOSE ABANDONMENT ISSUES AND ALL. He'd probably be the type to unconciously hug you when he's having them. Then you'll wake up to him shaking or scared and you wake him up. I feel like others think he'd get all embarassed and shit when he notices he hugged you and get all defensive and tsundere mode, but I like to think that if he really trusts you enough, him waking up from a nightmare beside you would be an intimate moment. Hell, him even sleeping beside you is. You would have to be someone he really trust and all to get him to sleep beside you and be vulnerable. So when he wakes up you get all emotional scenes and everything and you definitely cuddle to sleep. And when you wake up it'll be sooooo cuteee. Like, you'd be waking up to him all cuddly to you and you could admire his pretty face without seeing him scowl or frown. This guy is legit gorgeous and beautiful, who wouldn't want a chance to stare at him when he doesn't want to hurt you for it. So as those kinds of nights happen, his body would probably unconciously get used to the feeling of holding someone for comfort and it turns normal. MAAAAAAN WAKING UP WITH HIM IS CUTE.

KAZUHA - is romantic

Now this man will normalize butterflies on your stomach every morning. Oh, just you opening your eyes and seeing him staring and smiling at you. AAAAAAAAA got my heart falling and falling! You'd either wake up to him like that, or you'd wake up to him probably making a poem with you as his muse. Imagine Kazuha making you his muse. Be happy bitch. He'd definitely br the type to see you wake up, say goodmorning and all those sweetly sickening shit that gets your head spinning, heart rocking, and stomach tingling. Like, he's be whispering, "Goodmorning, love." I'D FALL ASLEEP AND WAKE UP ALL OVER AGAIN TO HEAR HIM SAY IT. When he realizes you're still dozing off, he'd place his hand on your back as support and sit you down so you wouldn't fall asleep again. But when you say you still want to sleep and cuddle how could he resist. So he's there listening to your requests and brushing your hair with his fingers. A true gentleman he is. Dreamy Kazuha is everything. Waking up with him is romantic, the best kind.

TIGHNARI - is comfortable

Imagine waking up with his tail and arms around you, awwww. That tail looking very cuddly and all. Although, it would probably be hot when it's like, summer summer and all, but when the weather's fine, oh, seriously, who would want to get out of his cuddles in the morning? You'd get to admire his pretty face and feel his fluffy tail. Cuddling with tighnari is probably very sweet too, like, he'd go along with you wrapping every limb you can to him, arms, legs, and all, and he's do the same just to get back, but it ends up with the both of you sleeping that way and waking up that way. As long as it's not too hot, waking up with him would feel very comfortable. I don't think he keeps a too strict schedule like others think he does. He probably allows himself to lay down for a bit, so when he wakes up, you both don't immeduately get up and just lay down there cuddling and when your systems start waking up, you'd start talking about random things until you both decide to get up.

[boyfiejay]

Next door hottie neighbour pt.2

This is requested by @frogsrules (tumblr isnt letting me tag omfg) im sorry i lost the request, and also sorry for not replying sooner 😭

PAIRING : Sunghoon x gn Reader

GENRE : bad boy and good girl, he's mean to everyone but her (not really mean but yeah)

Warning : this is part 2 of another drabble you can read it here, established relationship, sh has a bike, climbing to bedroom windows, swearing like once, they kiss y'all🤭

Word Count : 0.8k

Who knew that renowned bad boy Sunghoon was just a softie at heart? The one that everyone felt intimidated by was such a gentleman.

Or maybe it was just the girlfriend privilege, his friends constantly talking about how they've never seen him smile so bright.

Yeah, girlfriend. After that embarrassing moment you shared with Sunghoon, he had taken you out on a date as promised. Of all the places you thought he would take you, it was an amusement park. Kinda cliché but you liked how he had went out of his comfort zone to entertain you.

Like for starters, he revealed he doesnt usually go to the amusement park asides from the times his sister drags him there (which is so cute). And second, he did not take his bike because he saw you were wearing a skirt (again?). He would've made you wear his jacket around your waist for safety, but he didnt want to make you uncomfortable.

Which is ironic considering you are obsessed with his bike, maybe not how fast it is (it makes you feel sick). But after you two started dating, Sunghoon was complaining non stop about how you love his bike more than him, or even that you liked him only because of the bike (deal with it, its not her fault boys with bikes are sexy).

Your relationship with Sunghoon consisted mostly of bickering considering the fact than you two are completely opposite, and when you stop bickering he's flirting with you till you feel like your face will actually explode.

But there are times when you two are just silent, lying in each others arms in the dark, talking about your insecurities or fears. You loved how with you Sunghoon was just so gentle, no matter how much you annoy him, he's still gentle to you.

Sunghoon was just like that, big and dark when you dont know him. He seems intimidating, like the kind who will judge you for no reason. But he was just a big baby, your baby as he likes to say.

And although your parents knew about you dating and approved of it, yet Sunghoon still chose to sneak into your room through the window.

Sunghoon climbed up whenever he missed you, even in the middle of the night. And he could come throught the front door like civilized people do, but no there was just something about how you nagged him about how dangerous it is, and how pouty you get when you pretend to be angry. 

Sunghoon had never in his lifetime thought that he would be this whipped for anyone. But he can't help it, you just looked so cute no matter what you did. 

He was again here, knocking on your window, and you opened it again. But this time instead of nagging him, you pulled him instead excitedly, nearly squeezing the life out of him as you hugged him. 

Ofcourse you would be excited, why wouldn't you be? Your boyfriend was back from a week long trip with his family, he had just landed and decided to surprise you as soon as possible. 

Just three hours ago, you were pouting and sulking about how you missed him and how lonely it was. You definitely did not expect him to come back so soon, but who was complaining. 

For a long while you two just stood in your room embracing, until you spoke up, "I missed you so much."  it was your first time being away from him for so long. 

"I missed you too baby, I was about to go crazy if I heard my sister teasing me one more time." he said, pulling away from the hug. You lightly chuckled, it was quiet late your parents were probably asleep. 

Feeling sleepy, you rested your cheek against his chest while still looking up at him. Your faces were so close, you could count his eyelashes. 

This was again one of those times, when Sunghoon just wanted to kiss you so bad. So thats exactly what he did. 

His lips pressed aginst your soft ones, he could taste the cherry chapstick that you applied. His tongue licking away at your bottom lip, but pulling away just as you opened your mouth. 

Park Sunghoon was a fucking tease, but he was your baby more than he was a tease, so he dove right back in connecting your lips. This time not pulling away, till you feel lightheaded and pull back yourself. 

He picks you up, setting you on the bed and sliding in after you made yourself comfortable. But nothing is more comfortable than Sunghoons arms wrapped around you like a cocoon. 

Having Park Sunghoon as a boyfriend was probably the best thing you've done in your life. And Sunghoon was going to make sure you will never regret that decision. 

[goodgaymckay]

I'm a different anon! I keep forgetting to sign asks, but I'm the one who sent the tom and Jeff internalized caniblism shame thing a while ago!

I think It'd be really funny if people started wondering who this new mod that always seems to be online was then rumors started to spread that Jeff is Like this mysterious serial killer cannibal that hasn't been caught yet. Some people on the site especially new members think it's true and that Jeff recorded the dealing with the bodies in the basement and secretly hid it up on the site somewhere.

(Chris and Zach thought this at first and stayed up on Skype pulling an all nighter to find it)

The other half treat it as Like an ironic jerma or tomar thing, he's lowkey become an inside joke.

That's what catches Dave's attention. Dave started Writing silly cannibal stories as a joke and everyone fucking hated them because they where purposely annoying. But Jeff sees that over time Dave's getting better at Writing and drawing comics. It becomes kinda endearing to him even when he uses Jeff's whole username in half of his stuff. Jeff starts by leaving 1 word responses to his posts but then they get longer. Eventually they start private messaging and Dave ends up endearing himself to Jeff even more but poking fun at him and just barely skirting the line of too annoying.

One day Jeff starts nitpicking things on call and Dave's like “oh, well how do you know what people taste like” and Jeff just kinda let's it slip Like “how do you think” and then just instantly clamps just when he realizes what he said. And Dave realizes from his side of the call and starts processing that he meant it and is like “YOU ACTUALLY ATE SOMEONE”. Jeff tries to back peddle but it's too late.

He doesn't want to talk about it so Dave just keeps joking about it even though he doesn't know Jeff's tragic survival cannibalism backstory. Some of this actually turns sexual when Dave's like “what are you gonna do eat me?” And Jeff starts imaging overpowering him and breaking his arms before cutting him. They start secretly engaging in canibal role play and its exhilarating for jeff but he always gets the worst post nut clarity.

Eventually he panics and goes to Tom spilling what he's done and that he's a terrible person who abused mod privileges to get close to dave. Tom just tells him to chill out because like 90% of this forum is just fetish stuff and their both adults. So his thing with dave just continues and when he starts to get close to stamper and mic He considers telling them above dave.

He can't stop thinking about Dave, every single day he thinks about overpowering him, raping him, eating him. He doesn't even want to share the meat. He feels terrible. He doesn't want Dave to die because he's amusing, he does want to meet him though but has no idea if he'll be able to control himself.

(I'm very sleepy and get up in 6 hours so forgive me if this makes no since I wrote it quick in Google docs)

-I accidentally did something to my phone settings and I can't find emojis, this is the blue guy's hat/cap guy. My Tumblrs ijustwannatalk69 but I'll probably change it soon when I have time.

DUUUDE. IM JUST GONNA POST THIS. THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOOOOD.

[krii-bolts]

While im working on drawing / answering my RW asks, ima contribute more to my Fnaf / Fazbear Frights "Au" (Aka Storage Scares) WITH FNAF WORLD LADS!!!!!!

✨MEET THE REJECT REBELS!!!!!✨

aka took some Fnaf World Enemies / Npcs / bosses and put them in the world of Fnaf and its horrors

Since their apart of my "Au" called Storage Scares, Their ALL in a single location: A giant Warehouse by Fazbear's called "Storage Site Rabbit"

IRONICALLY ENOUGH I drew them (From Left - Right) as Youngest to Oldest

However ima explain em below from RIGHT TO LEFT, I repeat, RIGHT TO LEFT. Starting from Porkpatch and moving to the left

Got it? Good, now lets give some Lore to these funky friends and fiends and why they have been Rejected...

[]-----------------------[]

Pork Patch - OUTDATED: The Eldest out of the Rejects, He has seen quite a lot in his time and know more then he lets on, giving off a kind yet sleepy Grunkle kind of fellow. The reason why hes "Outdated" is due to the model he is; Hes a Springlock Suit Animatronic. Considering Fazbears and its... messy history, Pork Patch is obviously both a outdated model and a Hazard.

Pork, through unknown means, is... aware of this hazard of his and has since Bolted his Suit down to his Endo via those screws so that "Nobody can be harmed by me, accident or not"....

[]-----------------------[]

Mendo - UNFINISHED: It is unknown on what kind of Animatronic they were supposed to become, not even their Endo model gives any clues to their origin of date. Considering their Close, almost Brother-to-Brother, relationship to Pork Patch its safe to assume their of a older age then the others.

He lacks a Exo-Suit and rather wants to keep it that way, which is odd considering he's the Mechanic of the Rejects. Why he's the Mechanic of the group, he only gives this response to the question; "It's just something I picked up, perhaps my programming broke after Mimicking picking up some skills in Robotics and I just... got stuck with it"....

[]-----------------------[]

Tangle - DISASSEMBLED + Xangle - DISCARDED: Ah, Tangle and Xangle; A Pair of Twin Foxes that were originally created to be a pair of Halloween Themed Foxes. Tangle was meant to be designed as a Ghoul, while Xangle design is often heavily debated on what it was supposed to be; Only Xangle knows and It enjoys the debates from the shadows, so no peep from it. The only hint is the Mini Flame that Xangle can produce in its jaws...

Both of these Fox model animatronics never made it to the stage, as Fazbears realized how dumb it was to make holiday themed FOX animatronics rather then brand new original animatronics. Fortunately for them, only Tangle was finished at the time and made the process of Dissasembly easier. Xangle was never finished and was simply shoved into storage with it half dismantled Sister..

Tangle may be the calmer of the two, Xangle is the one that holds the grudge of their past....

[]-----------------------[]

White Rabbit + Redbear - RECALLED: Unlike literally EVERY OTHER MEMBER of the reject rebels, these guys actually made it onto the stage!!! They were a comedy duo consisting of White Rabbit being the Hare Jokester with Outlandish ideas and Red bear being the down-to-earth bear cub with a grumpy attitude.

Its... Unknown what made them get Recalled from the stage; White Rabbit speaks in riddles and tricks when the question gets pulled up, and red bear gets nervous and becomes almost completely quiet. But this is all thats known: Something Bad happened and White Rabbit is keeping Redbear all hush-hush on it...

[]-----------------------[]

Rainbow - MALFUNCTIONED: Annnddd finally, Rainbow, Other wise known as Magic Rainbow or Glamrock Rainbow! Yes. THAT rainbow. Considering their a Glamrock Animatronic, this makes them one of the Youngest additions to the group. They were originally built to be the Head animatronic for the Ice Cream parlor at the pizzaplex, with even some unique Fazer blasts themed after her coloration (Rainbow Overload-Blasters).

"Were" being keyword, as they never passed their Testing phase. During her testing for side performances, another staff member brought in a Prototype Glamrock Chica into the room. Its unknown to Fazbears on what exactly started off Rainbow's Malfunction and/or Glitch (or even if it WAS a malfunction at all), all they know is that the secound that Chica Prototype was put into the room, Rainbow became Arrogant, rude, and Outright VIOLENT to ANYTHING Chica related.

Suffice to say, this made the company not put Rainbow out on stage at the pizzaplex, Leaving behind One bitter Animatronic with a nasty behavior..

[]-----------------------[]

annndd thats ALL the Reject Rebels!!! Well, allll Except one animatronic... Night Jester. Their Technically the Youngest and newest in the group, seemingly appearing over night in the building...

...and after being found by Millie Fitzsimmons.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

Ooh I know ur probably busy but I was just about to go to sleep and I got an idea. One bed trope with stsg :) I think it would work best with teen stsg, maybe ur all childhood best friends (glad to know I’m not the only one here that’s a sucker for that one :,3) and ur families have all gotten together for a big event and decided to go on a vacation abroad but they’ve booked a separate hotel/apartment room for the three of u to stay in by yourselves!! …and have also failed to mention that it has only one bed. A king sized bed, sure, but still only one. I think it would be a little awkward at first maybe…. Just while ur all getting used to it… and then suddenly it’s late at night, satoru is in his digimon pyjamas and kicking off the sheets because he’s too hot and just clinging to u like a koala <33 hair all tousled and sleepy and big arms and legs just keeping you in an iron grip,, :3 And then sugu on the other side who I feel like would snuggle up against your back and reach an arm across to be able to feel satoru too, just to know the both of you are there and he can keep u guys safe..: SOBSSSS !!! I am an absolute believer that if you were really close to them like. BEST BEST friends close and they both had feelings for u they’d just take any opportunity they could to show their affection for you without exposing that they like you because you know!!! You’re super close, it’s totally normal for best friends to be affectionate and loving with eachother!!! They’re so funny I can’t 😭 like if u say to them “hey we’re kinda affectionate with eachother considering we’re just friends” and they stare at you like ur delusional and r like nonono wdym…. You’re crazy… insane…. It’s totally normal to kiss your besties and hold their hands THEY MAKE ME GIGGLE SO BAD The sillies ever… I love them im gonna bite them :(( — stsg anon !! :3 <33

STSG ANON HAVE I MENTIONED THAT U BRIGHTEN MY DAY SM i was just abt to go to sleep too but i HAD to answer this right away bc it made me feel so soft !!!! T_T perfect timing hehe i will in fact dream abt this <3333

FIRST OF ALLLLLL NEVER HESITATE TO SEND UR THOUGHTS MY WAY PLS i’m not kidding when i say they warm my heart sm!!! u are my number one stsg dealer <333 i’ve been busy lately BUT hopefully it’ll calm down soon hehe so pls dw !!! :33

BUT OKKKKKK LET’S GET INTO THIS stsg anon u always know the way to my heart!!! fellow childhood friends lover….. u understand me….,.,, NO BC THIS WHOLE SCENARIO IS JUST SO PRECIOUS AND SOFT AND I’M SOO :((((( sniffle . one single cuddle pile with them would fix me entirely i think… i just know they all had the best sleep of their lives

and then suddenly it’s late at night, satoru is in his digimon pyjamas and kicking off the sheets because he’s too hot and just clinging to u like a koala <33 hair all tousled and sleepy and big arms and legs just keeping you in an iron grip,, :3

WAHHHHHH I SMILED SO WIDE READING THIS HE’S SOOO CUTE PLS 😭😭😭 THE DIGIMON PYJAMAS ……. canon to me btw AND CLINGING TO U KOALA STYLE :(((( little eepy clingy baby boy. i always adore ur take on them stsg anon they always feel sooo in character… his long limbs just enveloping u 😵‍💫😵‍💫 satoru uses you as his personal plushie so true!!!! i just know he’d refuse to let you leave in the morning sugu literally has to pry his hands off you LMAO he just wants to sleep in and cuddle all day…… 😔😔

And then sugu on the other side who I feel like would snuggle up against your back and reach an arm across to be able to feel satoru too, just to know the both of you are there and he can keep u guys safe..:

AND SUGUUUUUU you know me and my sugu bias stsg anon 😭😭😭 I MELTED INTO A PUDDLE I NEEDDD YOU TO KNOW HOW INSANE UR SUGU THOUGHTS MAKE ME LIKE …… the way he’s such a caretaker :(((( needs to feel you so he knows you’re both safe ….. sighhhh. he’s a big cuddly protective doggy …. i love him……. also i dunno your thoughts on this stsg anon but i personally hc sugu as having insomnia :’3 or just general issues falling/staying asleep!! but i feel like he would be able to sleep well — or at least better — when he has you both in his arms….. :(( he needs his babies close !! you’re his emotional support !!

sigh sigh sigh. can u tell this made me a lil crazy … just the thought of him being your personal back warmer T_T…… caressing toru’s arm… listening to his snores and feeling your breath mellow out… just lying next to you both while you sleep and it almost brings him as much comfort as if he was the one sleeping….. :’3 hhh.

like if u say to them “hey we’re kinda affectionate with eachother considering we’re just friends” and they stare at you like ur delusional and r like nonono wdym…. You’re crazy… insane…. It’s totally normal to kiss your besties and hold their hands

AND THISSSS BUAHSHAGSH CANONNNNN GODDD THEY’RE SO SILLY?????? just casually gaslighting u 😭😭 THEY’RE SPITTING THOUGH nothing cozier than spooning the homies to sleep <333

i deffff agree that they would use their bestie status as an excuse to cuddle up to u btw especially satoru… suguru is a lot more sneaky. i feel like if you were dating someone and they got upset at how close the three of you are sugu is the type to wrap an arm around your waist or play with your hair and just give them this condescending look…. telling them that you’re best friends, of course you’d be close!! maybe they just don’t trust you enough. PHDJDH HE’S SO … scummy ….. but in the sweetest of ways……

ANOTHER BANGER FROM STSG ANON this one made me feel so fuzzy and cozy!!!! i hope you have the coziest snooziest sleep with the sweetest softest dreams 🫂🫂🫂 this made me melt into an actual puddle i’m gonna daydream abt satosugu w the one bed trope all night <333

[chocominnie]

One Last Time 03  —  Pjm. (M)

⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader

⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst

⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…

⇢ Song : xxxxx

⇢ Previous : 00  01 02

⇢ Word Count : 4.2k

⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!

⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?

Being  a model isn’t as always what people view it as. It’s not all just fun and prancing around in clothing that’s either revealing or not. It’s about business and fun but you mustn’t mix pleasure in. Every model knows that. But you, you took advantage of that. You decided you wanted to know what would happen if you had did that. And that is how everything went wrong.

You had actually met Jimin through Jungkook. But, BigHit staff did a casting call for one of their music videos. You had gotten chosen and while at the shoot Namjoon had sparked in interest for you. He spoke fluent english that glided of his tongue ever so breathlessly. But his adorable, cheeky dimple smile had put the icing on the cake for you. You two had been friends ever since.

They needed two girls, the protagonist and the antagonist. You were the protagonist while another was the antagonist but the role did fit you well. You aren’t the type to cause trouble and when your manager explained the script and concept to you, she thought it was a perfect match to your real life personality.

You and Jimin had hit it off right then and there. You loved his smile, his way of talking, and his cute little English phrases he would slip in then and there to you on set. It was the most adorable thing ever. He was a smooth talker too. Then Bam! You didn’t know what had gotten into him. Well.. the acting was for the concept music video, but you’ve never seen someone go from adorable to to a dominant personality so quickly. The entire switch up from the persona had fooled you good. Way.. too good.

That was how it hit you. You knew that he had to be yours.

But then yours.. became shared.

Then sharing became permanent.

Now you are single and heartbroken.

“ Long time no see! How have you been?”

You smile and take in his huge bear hug. He smelled so divine. Namjoon has always carried himself like a mature man, but in the inside you knew he’s a child at heart.

‘‘ Im fine. How are you? I’ve been on a little hiatus.” You nervously chuckle, assuming he already knows why. Namjoon nods his head and guides you further into the set.

It’s the inside of an apartment. They’ve set it up so pretty for it to seem like it’s a  real apartment. The LED lights are beaming but not enough for it to be too bright. Just perfect. You take a glance at all around the set you would be soon using.

The bed is a modern day king size in the colour schemes of black, white and grey along with a matching dresser and nightstands. White Jasmine flowers, sit on top of the nightstand along with the book milk and honey sitting next to it.

‘‘ I seen your pictures when they had dropped yesterday.” He pauses, glancing up at you to see your reaction. The way your breath hitches for a moment humored him. “ You looked very good. You did a great job. Welcome back to the business!”

Only if the business was so welcoming at all. Pictures of you had been posted on all your platforms and the comments came rushing in. Some good, but majority bad, only because the people of the world thought your comeback was revenge for Jimin’s comeback. Turns out, he had a comeback three days before you. You didn’t know, because you don’t keep up with him anymore. His fanbase was actually the ones commenting to the bad comments to leave you alone and that you moved on.

If only you made it that far to move on. 

Namjoon leads you to the hair and makeup station that’s been set up for the both of you. Each of you greet them and take a seat in the two black director’s chair with your name on it. As you sat in your chair you let the stylists and make-up artist do your thing while you read the concept script of the music video.

It’s going to be Namjoon rapping about his first love and how she broke his heart repeatedly. The hazy white flashbacks are of you and him symbolizing a couple doing things of what he had did with her.

“ So you and um.. Jimin did you guys sort things out yet?’’

You lift your head from the script instantly biting your lip. You most definitely don’t want to be reminded of him at the moment.

“ No. I like the way things are now. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.’’ You roll your eyes and look back down at the white sheets of stapled paper that holds your acting skills.

“ Im sorry if I offended. I didn’t mean to it’s just that. It’s been a year and a couple of months since-’’

He means no harm at all, and you know that because its Kim Namjoon you’re talking to. This right now though, isn’t a conversation to be held right before rhe video-shoot. You shake your head letting him know not to continue on. The last thing you want is for the makeup and hairstylists gossiping. Also for your emotions to spiral all the way down again.

The hair, makeup, and clothing stylists does a very good job on you. The make up stylists did a sort of natural look to your face which made your skin look light and dewy. The natural makeup complements the oversize, long t-shirt that is supposed to symbolize Namjoon’s.

The first scene you are going to shoot is the bed scene where you will be straddling a sleepy Namjoon’s lap wearing nothing but his t-shirt and your underwear underneath. Which really isn’t your underwear but just some black shorts that you put underneath the shirt.

You spot Namjoon and the director conversing so you decide to make your way over to the bed by them. As you walk over, his manager glances and goes back to talking. You pay no mind to it but then, he does a double take with his eyes wide looking at your outfit and beauty. You cant lie, you do feel a little more confident than usual with this bedroom look. 

‘‘ My goodness she looks stunning!’‘ His manager smiles, holding his hand out to greet you. You take his hand and do a courtesy greet due to the fact he’s older than you.

Namjoon eyes you up and down, smiling showing his deep dimples and pearly whites. Since when is he all flirty? Where is all this coming from? What’s getting into him?

‘‘ Yes she does. Are you ready?’‘

You nod your head, glancing at the properly messy bed. The director gives you guys one last look before heading over to his place right next to the cameras. Namjoon grasps your wrists as you both make your way to the bed, letting your ears listen to the instructions.

Namjoon gets into the bed first and then motions for you to sit on his waist. You bite your lip subtlety with your eyes not leaving his as you climb carefully over onto his lap. Your core almost inches away from him member, you don’t mean to brush a little too hard against him like that. The way he hisses and stifles his groan makes you feel apologetic.

Oh Namjoon, what is going on with you?

‘‘ I need you to try waking him up with little kisses on his cheek then down his chest.’’

Glancing down at his bare chest, you almost gasp at the muscles he has. Your mind completely had ignored it when you two were chatting with the director.  Namjoon isn’t the kind to work out as much but he definitely prepared for this music video.

You nod your head just before Namjoon closes his eyes to fake his slumber. Leaning down after the director gave you two the green light, you smell his cologne which smells pretty good to say the least. The butterflies in your stomach flutter like no other when you start to leave butterfly kisses on his cheeks, making sure to kiss his dimples then trailing over to his neck.. then chest.

‘‘ Namjoon wake up smiling… right about now.’‘

His eyes flutter open with a smile landing onto yours which makes you smile right back at him.

‘‘ Interlock your hands and hold them up high.’‘

Both of you smile ear to ear and giggle at the awkwardness almost nearly as a real couple except you guys aren’t, and this isn’t real.

It was easy for you to act like you were in love with Namjoon due to the friendship you have with him. Ever since the boys were together in a group, you had connected easily with Namjoon. He has this friendly yet funny aura about him. He’s the sweetest guy you ever met, just before Hoseok. Namjoon was the one who made you feel welcomed and comfortable upon meeting the members for the first time, while you had dated Jimin. 

His eyes roam over your body intimidated by the lack of proper clothing you have on. Soon his hands take over and start to roam your body from shoulders to waist. Namjoon often bit his lip as if was thinking of saying something, but doesn’t.  At this point you didn’t know if the acting was real or not.

A day’s worth of shooting and this was it. You’ve moved locations just for this scene which is supposed to be in the middle of a vacant two way road surrounded by nothing but dust and a few trees. The last major scene. You had seen Namjoon rap his part repeatedly in different sets for him that did not include you. The dark clothing and light colored hair suited him just right.

The closing scene is the one left and ironically, it’s the make-out scene.

To your left, someone had started a bonfire to keep the staff warm as they converse about the scene and read through the scripts. You huff lightly as you get out of the chair instantly regretting it as the cold air hits your nearly exposed legs.

They’ve dressed you into a maroon skirt and a grey knit sweater that is fairly itchy paired with a knit infinity scarf. Your hair was let down to compliment your face.

‘‘ Yn!’’

You turn your head immediately over towards the direction of that voice. To your luck it’s Jungkook holding a big brown bag and two canisters of god knows what. But who trails after him makes your smile drop.

Jungkook smiles jogging towards you, almost slipping from being excited too see you. You open your arms fully to embrace his figure in which in return he provides.

“ Are you still mad at me?’’

You inhale the scent of him with a smile making sure to make eye contact with the one standing further away from him, “ No Jungkook.”

He lets go of your intertwined bodies and gives you one of his bunny smiles making you giggle at his excitement. “ I bought Namjoon and you some hot chocolate and plenty of rice-cake dumpling soup since you are working hard.”

‘‘ Thank you we will eat after this last scene okay?”

The cameras and lights are beaming down on you and Namjoon. It’s all or nothing at this point. The camera crew and director murmur a bit just before calling out that word. Action.

Namjoon looks slightly down at you with his glossy eyes. You challenge him back while not saying a word at all.

“ Are you comfortable with this?” He whispers. No, truth is you aren’t and have no desire in kissing him. To you, you feel like the kiss would make things a bit awkward for the both of you.

He’d been subtly flirting all day with you and of course you pick up on it everytime. It’s not like yourself to do such things with people you don’t have feelings for in a romantic way. Let alone, flirt with your ex’s band brother.

“ Yes.” It’s not like you have a choice to say no to it. You signed the contract, so you have to complete the entire scenes. Just your luck, Namjoon’s song begins to play in the background.

 He leans in for a kiss with your face inches apart from each other. So close that you can feel his eyelashes brush against yours. He’s stalling you, making you try to be the one to start the kiss. A small smirk on his face when you oblige taking him into the kiss. Your lips move in sync with his with his hand on your face caressing your cheek. He thinks your lips taste like strawberry chapstick, but you think his tastes like mint. 

Soon his tongue slips into your mouth to deepen the kiss. You can’t help but to let out a small whimper on accident resulting in Namjoon’s hand traveling to your waist and pushing you closer to him gently.  Excitment takes over you, you haven’t felt like this in a long time. Maybe it’s the lack of dating or all the couple like things you did today, but you feel loved.

And cut! That’s a wrap everyone, please pack and get home safely.

You break away from Namjoon’s lips and chuckle at the sight of him with his eyes still closed and waiting for something to happen again.

“ Joonie we are done shooting.”

Namjoon’s eyes pop open with a smile, cheeks turning coloured from embarrassment. “ Ah really? Im sorry it’s just that i was too into the moment.”

The both of you thank all the staff for their hard work of day. While bowing to another staff, you make sure to look directly in the eyes of the friend that tailed along with Jungkook. Just as expected he looked pissed off. The sight of him biting the inside of his jaw gave you satisfaction. He fucking deserves it.

“ Can we all eat now? I brought thermal blankets and the bonfire the staff lit is still going..’’ Jungkook says, sitting onto one of the logs and placing the bag onto the ground.

“ We need to speak first.”  You say, firmness taking over your tone. You aren’t going to let this slide. Why would he bring him here? After all that happened that night, you’re sure he told Jungkook. 

He sighs and motions for Namjoon to start serving while he’s going to be gone. Namjoon gently smiles and approves just before going to sit next to Jungkook’s friend and starting a conversation.

The two of you, Jungkook and you, start walking away from the small gathering slowly. The moon shines bright down upon the both of you creating black silhouettes from behind.

‘’ I didn’t invite him. You know I wouldn’t do that after that whole situation-’’

You purse your lips and stop walking, “ So he just magically came? I didn’t tell him and I doubt that Namjoon told him.’’

‘‘ He found out Namjoon was having his video shoot and came to support him. He came late due to Isab-”

You shake your head, “ Don’t say anymore. Let’s just go back and not bring anything up. I don’t feel like speaking to him or causing drama Jungkook.”

Jungkook can tell that you’re disappointed but does not say a word all the way back. You keep eye contact away from Jimin as you sit next to Jungkook. The atmosphere is awkward for you but you know it isn’t for them.

You munch on a rice-cake dumpling not making a sound as the three boys talk amongst themselves.

You take this time to think. Why would Jimin come here if he possibly knew that you were the main girl? He just set himself up to be mad at this point. Why didn’t Isabel stop him from going, after all you are his ex.

“ Why aren’t you eating?’‘

You look towards that soft voice, plopping your dumpling down into your bowl of soup. The truth is, you actually aren’t supposed to be eating this at all. Seeing as though your modeling and appearance schedule is getting full you have to maintain a healthy figure once again.

‘’ I guess im not as hungry. I’ll make sure to take it with me if I don’t finish.’’

‘‘ Eat.’‘ Jimin says, not lifting his head up but voice firm.

You roll your eyes out of annoyance, “ Im not hungry Jimin.’’ You were, but you say it just to piss him off even more.

His chopsticks drop his dumpling into his bowl as he raises his head slowly. Anger is written all over his face but you over-power it by keeping a straight face. Part of you is mad that you said that but it’s the truth.

‘‘ Oppa. Im Oppa to you.” His eyes meet yours. You can’t help but notice that his are darker than average. You hated calling him that and he knows it. It’s cringey to you, but respectful in their culture.

He didn’t use to make you say it even while in a relationship, so you know he’s playing along with your little game.

Namjoon rubs the back of his head,‘‘ Hey guys let just eat okay? Yn you should eat more.’‘

‘‘ Rather not. My appetite is no longer here.”  You shrug as you place the lid onto the container of your food.

Jimin rolls his tongue in the inside of his cheek while keeping a death glare on you. You don’t bother to pay it any mind at all. Jungkook lets out a breathy sigh as you gather your belongings to leave.

‘‘ Im taking my leave.’‘

You give Namjoon a hug first then walk over to Jungkook who hugs you really tight. You smile and give a peck onto his cheek.

‘‘ Text me tonight.’ He whispers into your left ear before letting his grip go. You nod your head and glance at an angry Jimin.

“ I’ll take her home.”

That sentence makes you stop dead in your tracks. What the hell does he think he’s doing? 

“ I can get a taxi..”

Jimin finishes his food and throws it into the paper brown bag. Namjoon and Jungkook stare at him in disbelief. The veins on his neck are very noticeable as he makes his way over to you.

You watch in disbelief but angry with your eyebrows furrowed because they all seem to not be listening to you. “ I said I can get a tax-”

“ Yn just go with him. I will feel safer if you went with somebody you know.” Jungkook sighs, throwing him and Namjoon’s remaining trash into the bag.

“ Me and Jungkook have a lot of catching up to do. We’ll be at my house.” Namjoon catches onto Jungkook’s memo.

You roll your eyes as Jimin grabs your arm rougher than expected, dragging you along the vacant two way street to his parked Lamborghini.

You jerk away from him not wanting to be in his grip anymore. Jimin doesn’t say anything as he opens the car door for you. You stand there with your arms crossed refusing to go.

“ Yn you have until the count of three because honestly you are pissing me off. “

Your eyes land onto his with your eyebrows still furrowed in anger.

“ 1.”

You scoff at him. What are you a toddler?

“ 2.”

Yeah right. What could hap-

“ 3 ” Jimin grabs your arm tightly making sure to leave it red as he pushes you into the passengers seat. His cheeks turn a deep shade of red. slamming the car door behind you.

He doesn’t bother to put his seat-belt on before pulling off with Namjoon and Jungkook following behind him. You wince at the throbbing pain where he had marked you red. The soreness is already settling it’s way in.

“ Look..” He sighs, “I didn’t mean to.”

Tears fill the brim of your eyes. This isn’t the same Jimin you knew. He would never even think of hurting you like that.

“ Shut up just take me home.” Your voice cracks, tears slipping down your cheek as you try and massage the pain away.

You don’t say a word to him all the way there to your apartment building. The air is as thick as a slice of home-made cake yet neither of you decide to speak. That is until he decides to follow you out the car and up to your apartment, most likely to make sure you are safe getting in. You stop at the welcome mat that holds your home just beyond the door.

“ Jimin. Leave.” You whisper, audible enough for him to hear.

“ I don’t want to.”

“ I know you’re sorry. Just leave.”

You punch in your code, the date that you and him started dating.  You open it enough for just your body to slip in but that doesn’t work. Jimin pushes the door open wide, letting himself in right behind you.

You don’t say anything at all. You remove your shoes as well as he does to. Clara greets you by rubbing her body against you. You don’t bother to pet her you walk past her and into the kitchen.

Pulling out your phone, you text Jungkook letting him know you got home safely. He immediately responds with a selfie of him and Namjoon with Soju in their hands. You can’t even laugh at the two silly boys.

A harsh cold object is placed on your right arm. You quickly look down to see Jimin’s hand holding an ice-pack against the area he harmed.

“ You didn’t tell me you would be the lead girl in Namjoon’s video.”

‘‘ We aren’t together anymore. I don’t have to tell you anything.”

That’s the truth. You two shouldn’t even be in the same apartment, let alone yours, right about now. His business isn’t yours anymore. Yours isn’t his anymore.

Jimin scoffs, “ You know I will always look out for you and look after you. I’ll be there anytime for you.”

‘‘ I feel as though that’s inappropriate. You have a girlfriend don’t cheat on her like you did me.” You remove his hand and hop onto the white counter-top.

“ How many times are you going to say it huh? I was wrong I know that. But why remind me of it?”

You look him dead straight into the eyes, “ Until you suffer for a year and some months don’t say shit to me.’’

There was a silence for a couple of minutes. Your eyes wander around your fairly neat apartment until he says something again.

Jimin sighs, coming in-between your legs placing his head on your lap. ‘‘ I don’t like this.. us.”

“ Clearly you didn’t because you cheated.” You snap back, pushing his head away from you only for him to go right back. “ That’s not what I mean and you know that.” His voice is soft, just barely above a whisper.

So what does he mean?

‘‘ Im saying that.. I don’t like you being this way and distant from me. I don’t like when you kiss other people. I didn’t like when you had to make-out with Namjoon. I don’t like not being able to talk with you. I don’t like all this anger and tension between us.”

Your mind is telling you this is a red flag but your heart aches for him to go on and say what you want him to say. Could this really be it?

“ The truth is, I do miss you. I miss us. I miss everything about us. I fucked up bad and I have to pay the consequences.” His hands snake around your waist tightly. 

This is it. Finally.

You bite your lip and run your fingers through his hair softly. Small sobs can be heard from him and the wetness of your leg lets you know he finally broke down.

‘‘ Jimin stop that. Don’t cry.’‘

He shakes his head, ‘’ You don’t understand. She’s not like you but I like her. My heart is with you but my mind is with her. I don’t know what to do.’’

“ You can’t love two people at once. You know that. I refuse to get hurt again by you.” You keep your voice low making sure not to get angry with him. His head lifts up showing you his red face and puffy eyes.

You can’t help but to want to kiss the tears away. So thats what you do. You kiss all over his cheeks slowly one at a time. Yes you don’t want to get hurt again, but you want him to realize that what he did is still taking a toll on you all the while you crave him and his love more and more.

‘‘ Yn..” He whimpers, sniffling.

You shake your head to hush him up and move on to his lips. His sweet, soft lips connect with yours. He opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. Both of your tongues fight for dominance making you hold your breath to stifle your groan. This is wrong. He has a girlfriend. You kissing him would make you a hypocrite, so you break away the kiss though you don’t want to.

You sigh, lifting his head up again. Those brown eyes stare back up at you full of tears and sadness. Yet you can’t be fooled by your own mind. “ Jimin go back to Isabel. She’s probably waiting for you.”

You take his arm and lead him towards the door. He slips his shoes on without taking his eyes off of you. It hurt. It hurts a lot seeing him leave out the door each time he comes over. But you still need to face the fact that this isn’t your man anymore, he’s someone elses.

“ What if I don’t want to go back.”

You unlock the door for him and hold it open. ‘’ You can’t love two people at once.’’

“ Baby, just one last time..’’ He says, referring to the kiss you’ve shared earlier.

You shake your head no. Another kiss would surely lead to something more of a messy situation. “ When you make up your mind, you know my apartment well enough.”

And with that you shut the door behind him as your back slides down the door. You bring your hands to your hair and slip them in.

Maybe, just maybe, there could be a one last time with him.

[vvanini]

whats your favorite obscure hc about each of the losers?

Fucking perfect thank you

1- Mike he reads books or articles like “how to understand woman”, “why women like jerks”, not because he wants to woo woman or is a nice guy or anything but just because he thinks it’s interesting

I don’t think he’d date anyone

Gives great dating advice tho

Reads manga Likes Junji Ito

“The manga/book was better” kind of guy

I don’t know why but I feel like he’d be this ENTP-ish dude who likes to gather information about a lot of useless things and likes to debate He likes film and game theories Watches MatPat for sure

Also he likes The Walking Dead and… zombies in general

Also I’m sorry but he likes Quentin Tarantino and Wes Anderson

He likes grindhouse movies and appreciates the gory details but is chill about it Likes cinematography in general

Watches video essays about movies

2- Richie

Unlike Mike, Richie isn’t chill about gory details and whenever someone gags while watching a movie he goes “You think that’s disgusting??? Lmaoooo that’s nothing.”

He’d be the type of guy who brags about being immune to disturbing shit

Google searches include “top ten disturbing movies of all time” “scariest movies ever” “movies worse than a serbian film”

Still likes pink guy and thinks Joji is a genius

Unironically loves the song “I Love Sex” by Pink Guy and listens to it at least once everyday

Uses Discord a lot

Always starts studying on the last day

I think he’d like history

Not like Mike tho, he just likes textbook history and world wars etc

Plays Hearts of Iron and League of Legends

Also :) he likes to code

he is a Linux >>>>>>>>>> Windows kinda guy

Likes breaking bad

And Rick and Morty

Understands politics really well

His music taste is… anime opening songs

Evangelion especially

Likes science fiction books

Pretends to be a flat-earther/conservative/anti-vax for the meme

3- Ben

LIKES BACKSTREET BOYS

and boy bands in general

he is old school and still carries an mp3 around

Doesn’t use spotify, he illegally downloads songs like a champ :D

Likes story rich games

Especially RPG’s. He really likes Planescape Torment and Baldur’s Gate

Kinda lame about women, like he hears Jordan Peterson say something like “the eternal image of the divine feminine” or some shit like that and he goes “wow poetic. agreed”

Doesn’t read “How to woo women” books like Mike but thinks about it a lot that’s for sure

Likes Audrey Hepburn

And Steinbeck

Saves different versions of the same song to his mp3. “The Less I Know The Better but you’re crying in a bathroom” “The Less I Know The Better Slowed & Reverb Listen With Headphones” “The Less I Know The Better Nightcore”

Shares playlists with Eddie

ALWAYS. ALWAYS waits for the person who’s tying their shoes

He notices if someone is walking behind the group alone and walks back to accompany them

If no one laughs at your joke, he does

Bleached his hair once and regretted it immediately Writes poetry in his free time and makes Stan proofread it

Into psychology

Hands always in pockets

Probably owned lots of lego sets as a kid

People go to him for dating advice because he is seen as this “romantic guy”, I mean he is but he gives terrible dating advice

4-Stan

He likes geography

Literally knows all the flags in the world and all the capitals

Blindfold him and give him a country name, he can show you exactly where it is on the map

Also he plays those google earth games where you get a random location and try to find out which country you’re in/ or try to find the nearest airport

Also I feel like he’d like planes a lot

Idk he just likes things that fly lol. Birds, planes etc.

Likes to read classics

LOVES H. P. Lovecraft

carries little poetry books with him everywhere and reads them he’s so cute

Dark academia is his aesthetic

Can play the piano

Likes to read Ben’s poetry :D

Dark humor

His ringtone is Le Festin :)

Has an instagram account but never posts, just watches people’s stories

Very photogenic tho.

He’s a man of culture. He likes visiting aquariums and museums

Hates zoos tho, thinks it’s evil to cage animals

Also I don’t know how to explain it but… He just likes to decorate his place? Like to the clubhouse he’ll bring stuff he likes and just quietly claims a corner as his own and make it as comfortable as he can

Has...beautiful hands

you know how some people cut the cothing labels because it irritates the back of their neck? Stan does that with everything he buys

5- Eddie

Likes Backstreet Boys because of Ben

Replies to texts immediately. Communication and social interaction gives him serotonin

I have no idea why but I feel like he’d have an obsession with Tekken and his favourite character is Ling Xiayou

Big fan of classic playstation games. Loves Spyro, Crash Bandicoot and Ratchet and Clank

He likes wearing long sleeves under t shirts

Listens to emo music, stares out the window and imagines scenarios matching the song he’s listening to

He considers MCR to be emo btw. Loves G note memes

Likes astrology

Can’t watch horror movies, and gets teased by Richie about it

However he likes media that is presented as funky/funny/happy but is actually depressing/disturbing

He likes courtroom dramas

Wears sunglasses indoors for no reason

Probably likes fallout and metro games

Has a collection of finger skateboards

#weirdcore #oddcore #nostalgia #grunge

buys and wears random college sweatshirts

Hates and loves study groups, hates it in the sense that he can’t focus on anything and just wants to hang out and talk, loves it in the sense that he CAN hang out with his friends and talk

Romanticizes everything

6- Bill

Has lots of taurus energy and is sleepy all the time

Has major Leonardo DiCaprio in The Basketball Diaries vibes

Dresses effortlessly

And likes basketball lol.

He just has… boy energy. If that makes sense. Boy next door

Likes to draw his friends

posts his drawings on Instagram

Has lots of OC’s but doesn’t know they’re called OC’s, just refers to them as “this character I created”

He likes being praised a lot ngl

His taste in memes is very similar to Richie’s

You know how they put a random word on top of a random image and it doesn’t make sense at all. He laughs at things like that. Like Richie sends him something like this:

ME WHEN I WHEN

[image of monkey]

BOTTOM TEXT

and he thinks it’s funny and loses his shit im sorry

Like someone sends a picture of Keanu Reeves to the groupchat and texts “g” and he thinks it’s funny???? He sees a picture of a cow in the backrooms and starts choking

He memorized every line in Boneless Pizza and can quote it wihtout stuttering. Like he would be sitting alone talking to himself saying shit like “ya pizza. Watchu want. 2 liter machine broke we got one liter tho. fuck you mean B.”

Never answers calls? Doesn’t like talking on the phone. He just has “Don’t fucking call me when you can text!!” energy

phone is always on silent mode

doesn’t do anything but attracts people anyway

7- Bev

Likes musicals

Theatre kid

Chews gum a lot

And swallows them :(

Likes cottagecore

Buys notebooks with cute covers but can never fill them so she just gives them to bill who turns them into sketchbooks

I think she’d give advice or reaussure people in a way that sounds kinda rude but isn’t really? Like she tells it like it is. Blunt

Likes Avatar The Last Airbender

Sense of humor is:

[Picutre of the fox from Zootopia]

why is he hot help 😭😭😭

wears baggy clothing + long skirts

[khodorkovskaya]

here’s a little something i wrote last month about my experiences in middle school. i got nostalgic out of nowhere and wrote this huge 30k word thing. i think it’s interesting how my generation grew up with the internet and how it impacted us. and especially how porn culture impacted us growing up and going thru puberty. idk it made me think. also it’s funny, now when i think back to middle school im like “wow i was so obviously gay” but it was so not obvious to me back then. like how did i not realise lol.

tw: suicide mention, very vague mention of ed, sexual assault

The first few months of seventh grade were the loneliest moments I had ever experienced at the time. Coincidentally, two of my best friends had left the school after Grade 6 and I found myself completely on my own. And plus, all the people I considered “interesting” the year before had left too. It seemed like the only people left were the ones with the blandest personalities and I had no interest in becoming friends with them at all. I even made a list of all the girls in my class to see what my “options” for new friends were. But no one grabbed my attention. There was only one girl I saw potential in, but, after a couple of days, I realised that she, too, was quite bland and being friends with her would just be boring.

And so, I was alone. I didn’t know what to do with my loneliness. The summer before school was possibly the best summer of my entire life. I spent a whole month in Montenegro for the first time since 2008. It was my favourite place on earth! When my parents separated, my biggest fear was that I would never go to Montenegro again. And finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, I was able to go back. And, trust me, I made the most of it. I’d spend the whole day at the beach, swimming and snorkelling all day long until the tips of my fingers looked like raisins, and then, in the evening, I would go to the fair and make sure to go on every single ride until my head was spinning so much, I was on the verge of throwing up. To a twelve-year-old kid, this was paradise. And going back to school after a month in paradise was pure torture.

I had seen in movies that lonely kids usually spend a lot of time in the library. I enjoyed reading so it looked doable. And if I had no friends, what else was there better to do anyway? So, one time after eating lunch, I climbed up the stairs of the tallest school building to see what the library was all about. I was not disappointed. The atmosphere was exactly what I was looking for. It was awfully quiet, compared with the roaring screams down at the cafeteria. But it wasn’t a scary kind of silence either, like the one that reigns in the classroom after a teacher yells at you to shut up. The library had a cosy kind of silence. The one that makes you feel completely at peace. I picked up an old National Geographic from the magazines section, sat on the carpet-covered floor and started looking at pictures. Mongolian steppes, huge sequoias, photos of bisons and fluffy wild birds… It was all making me sleepy. I leaned back, resting my head on the bookshelf behind me, and closed my eyes.

“Nooo Aisha stop it!” I heard an angry whisper, followed by muted laughter.

“The volume is off anyway,” the other girl whispered back. “Uhh the website is blocked,” she said with frustration. “Fucking censorship.”

Censorship? What were they talking about? I opened my eyes and looked at the big red book right in front of me. The title read “The life of Stalin”. It made me chuckle. I hadn’t even realised that all this time I was napping in the politics section of the library, surrounded by books about Hitler, communism and dictatorship. But what was that girl whispering so angrily about? I had to see!

To my disappointment, the two girls whispering and laughing behind the computers were my classmates, Aisha and Jessica. I knew they went to the library quite often. They were both vegetarian and, ironically enough, absolutely adored documentaries about the torture of animals. Sometimes they would come late to class, red in the eyes, crunching pieces of tissue with their shaking hands, sobbing about the new documentary they had just watched during lunch time.

“Sorry miss, we’re late” Aisha would stutter through the tears. “I can’t believe humans would ever do such things.”

She would drop down on her chair melodramatically and look away into the window. Teachers knew not to disturb her at those moments. Meanwhile Jessica, being the less theatrically talented of the two, would immediately forget the noble cause and chatter away, as if the gruesome torture of animals never bothered her in the first place.

“Jacky, I can’t with her,” Jessica rolled her eyes as soon as she saw me peaking from behind the bookshelf. “Help me get some sense into her!”

I gladly accepted the invitation and hopped over the line of chairs, separating the computer section from the rest of the library.

“Oh my god,” I laughed, after seeing that Aisha had typed ‘redtube.com’ into the search bar on the school computer. “You know they block these kinds of websites, right? You can’t even go on Facebook on these things.”

“These fuckers and their shitty computers,” Aisha kept bickering. “What if it’s for educational purposes?”

I burst out laughing.

“Quiet!!!” yelled the library lady. We heard her footsteps coming towards us.

“Shit,” spat Aisha. “Let’s get out of here.”

We hopped over the chairs once again and crouched down.

“Look,” I pointed at the book I had found earlier. “The life of Stalin,” I said in my best Russian accent.

The three of us immediately burst out laughing. We couldn’t figure out what was so funny about Stalin, but we just couldn’t stop. The bright red book, the bulky Cyrillic-stylised letters on the cover, Stalin’s big caterpillar-like moustache… Jessica fell to the floor and started rolling from side to side like a toddler pulling a tantrum. Meanwhile Aisha had literal tears pouring out of her eyes from laughter. ‘Animal documentaries, huh?’ I thought to myself, seeing how easy it was for her to cry.

“Get out! Now!” the library lady had found us. She looked like a furious rodeo bull, nostrils widening with every breath she took.

In a matter of milliseconds, we got off the floor and stormed out of the library. Aisha grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the right instead of going down the stairs. Jessica opened the door that led to the school auditorium, and we slid behind it like a cartoon mouse, after being chased by a cat. I had never come here alone before; we’d only go here if there was an assembly or a school play. Being in an empty auditorium with the lights off and no teachers around felt illegal. Our steps echoed across the hall; it was a scary kind of silence this time.

Aisha strode across the empty stage as if she had done it a million times. As she made it to the opposite side of the hall, she opened the big glass door. I had always thought it was just a window, but it turned out to be a fire escape with a shaky metallic staircase on the other side. ‘A lot more practical than the regular stairs with all those people,’ I thought.

The bell rang.

“Shit, we’re late again,” Aisha hissed.

“Okay Jacky, we were watching documentaries about global warming,” Jessica instructed.

“Got it,” I said. Looked like I had found myself new friends.

 Being friends with Aisha and Jessica was fun, but I couldn’t accept it so easily. I still had a reputation to maintain, after all. I never wanted to be the most popular person in the class, but the last thing I wanted was to be considered weird. And Aisha was weird. I couldn’t be associated with her or I would be picked on too, I thought. Aisha was always the butt of the joke and the last person anyone would want to do a group project with. But, after hanging out with her for a couple of days, I realised that maybe she was not all too bad. She was strange, for sure, and her personality wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But at least she was not boring. She swore a lot, talked back to teachers and had a general “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about school. Hanging out with her felt rebellious. She would make a lot of edgy jokes about politics, race or sex and, when other people called her out for it, it made her look like she was fighting against the system, the Joan of Arc slayer of political correctness. It didn’t bother her that carving swastikas into the school desks was “wrong” and “offensive”, or that joking about paedophilia was “insensitive”. Pushing the limits of comedy was fun and, if Shane Dawson could laugh about it, so could she.

However, I had to admit that Aisha’s controversial behaviour made her insufferable sometimes. Her remarks made me red with embarrassment and so, despite being friends, I would often sit as far away from her as I could.

“Stop drawing swastikas on my folder, you’ll get us in trouble,” I’d have to hiss at her, if she did happen to sit next to me. “You can’t make fun of the teacher’s Indian accent, it’s not funny!”

Once she even managed to send us both to the discipline office for supposed racism. I wanted to combust on the spot, while she was glowing with pride, as if it was the biggest achievement of her life. Luckily for me, my classmates stood up for me and told the headmaster that I didn’t have anything to do with her racist remarks. Meanwhile, Aisha got suspended for a week and had to write a three-page essay about diversity.  

That was when Jessica came into the picture. When I had enough of Aisha’s tomfoolery, I would go to Jessica to rant about it. Together, we would lure Aisha into the toilets and make a run for it, ditching her in the stalls. Despite how cruel this practice was, back then it was definitely the cool thing to do. We’d run across the school yard and, if anyone ever questioned why we were in such a hurry, we’d shout “We ditched Aisha!” at the top of our lungs and everyone around would laugh and congratulate us. It quickly became a challenge, a game of how we could trick Aisha into coming with us and leave without her noticing.

Unlike being friends with Aisha, hanging out with Jessica wasn’t considered social suicide. She had a pretty neutral reputation and was even more on the cool side. She knew how to draw and had good music taste, at least for 2012 standards. And, most of all, her biggest dream was to become a fashion designer, so she was known for being the most stylish girl in the class.

But being friends with Jessica also had its drawbacks. She was a pathological liar. Back then, when we were both young teens, it started and ended with insignificant white lies. She’d lie about where she went to on holiday, what she got for her birthday, the typical silly lies any kid would make up for fun. However, as she got older, the lies got more and more serious and elaborate. Long after I left the school, she had made up the fact that she got amnesia and sent out intricately crafted Facebook messages to everyone, saying that she doesn’t remember a thing. Another lie was that she had spent a semester abroad in Australia, when, in reality, she just stayed home for months and didn’t go to school. The funniest lie I’ve ever heard from her, however, was that at approximately the age of sixteen, she had made up the fact that she was half Dominican. Why did she need to reinvent her nationality, when, just a year prior, she had boasted about being a Tanzanian princess? Nobody knew. And, as she conveniently never stayed friends with anyone for too long, nobody would ever question it and accept her lies at face value.

And so, when I was tired of Jessica’s constant lies, I would go back to Aisha to complain about it. The cycle would start all over again. We would hand out all together; Jessica and I would ditch Aisha; then I would go back to Aisha after being tired of Jessica. And we would all be together again like at the very beginning.

And don’t get me wrong, spending time with Aisha and Jessica was fun; it was never boring. We’d go to shopping centres together to overdose on slushies and spend all our pocket money at Claire’s, climb through the windows of locked classrooms to steal chalk and draw on the walls behind the school building, eat lunch together at the fire escape staircase, even though it was strictly forbidden… The three of us were the perfect combination for these kinds of things. My favourite mischief and our biggest achievement together was managing to break into the computer in the auditorium. It had a password and no mouse, but, after a couple of guesses and tricks with the keyboard, I managed to log us in. We connected the computer to the big projector and projected porn videos onto the big screen behind the stage. After completing the plan, we snuck behind the fire escape door as usual and ran away, impishly grinning, thinking about the clueless soul who would stumble upon the atrocious videos on their trip to the auditorium.

However, despite the fun with Aisha and Jessica, there were moments where I couldn’t stand either of them; I wouldn’t be in the mood to complain to Jessica about Aisha’s sense of humour or complain to Aisha about Jessica’s lies. Sometimes their overwhelming loud presence with stories about inexistent holidays and outrageous sex jokes and constantly running from one place to another, would be too much. I would find myself running away from both of them, hiding at the library, just like at the start of the school year. Plus, I did manage to find an interesting book and didn’t have to just flip through the pages of old magazines anymore.

The book I had stumbled upon was called Sophie’s world. It was an introduction to philosophy for young teens and I had figured that, if I was doomed to enter the adult world, I had to learn about philosophy one way or another. And the book was just concise enough to explain the key ideas of the major philosophical currents without being too tedious and boring. I especially liked reading about the early philosophers. Their ideas were fun and easy to understand. Thales, for instance, believed that everything was water! How crazy is that?! However, when the book got to Spinoza, I couldn’t take it anymore. I forced myself to read a bit more, but the chapter about Kant was what made me stop reading all together. Morals and feelings and the concepts of right and wrong were the most boring and useless things ever in my opinion. No matter how they were presented, and how hard the author tried to make these ideas appealing to teenagers, I just couldn’t stand it. ‘Perhaps I could find more books about the wacky ideas of pre-Socratic philosophers,’ I thought, heading to the library after having escaped Aisha and Jessica. ‘Or I could take a nap.’

When I entered the library, I headed straight to the philosophy section. But, to my disappointment, the only books they had were about my newly found favourites: Kant and Spinoza. There was also Oxford’s dictionary of philosophy, a big blue book with clouds on the cover. I picked it up and flipped through the pages, seeing if I could find any swear words to chuckle at, but, as it turned out, swear words were not a part of philosophy. Dissatisfied, I wondered around the library and found my way to the astronomy section. Now this was a lot more interesting. Stars, constellations, black holes and… Gerry? What was he doing at the library?

“Oh hi there,” I whispered to him, trying to see what he was reading. “Whatchu reading?”

He showed me the cover. Stephen King.

“You?” he looked up.

“I’m looking for umm…,” I hesitated. “Philosophy books.”

“Philosophy, huh,” he shrugged. “Sounds like some pretentious shit.”

“Well, I have to find something to keep me busy. I’m avoiding Aisha and Jessica at all costs,” I said, sitting down on the carpet next to him.

“Avoiding them? Aren’t you guys like best friends?” he asked.

“Aren’t you and Gabriel like best friends?”

“Are you serious?” Gerry looked at me in the most disappointed and annoyed way possible.

“Why aren’t you hanging out with Gabriel?” I insisted.

“Look, I’m tired,” Gerry sighed. “Leave me alone. You were looking for philosophy books? Go look for them.”

Right as I was about to call Gerry an asshole, I was interrupted by muted snickering behind the bookshelf. Aisha and Jessica had found me.

“There you are!” Jessica whispered victoriously.

“Here come your best friends, go play,” Gerry hissed, rolling his eyes.

Suddenly Aisha jumped out from behind the bookshelf. She was trying to stop herself from laughing, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Check this out!” she giggled, showing us a bright yellow book. The title read ‘All about sex’ and had a drawing of a boy and a girl looking at each other while blushing on the cover. “Look look!” she whispered excitedly, pointing at one of the pages.

I quickly skimmed over the paragraph she was pointing at. It was a brief recount of some woman’s sex life and how much she enjoyed it when her husband sucked on her nipples. “Some women can even orgasm from nipple stimulation,” read the commentary after her story. I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Haha, very funny,” constated Gerry. “People have nipples, I am dying of laughter right now.”

“Not like you’ll ever get laid,” Aisha carried on laughing.

“Look who’s talking,” Gerry replied drily. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I was in the middle of reading.”

Not even the library was safe from Aisha and Jessica. Who knew having friends was such a hassle.  

 Social media was weird. My mum had finally let me get Facebook over the summer and, after coming home from school, I’d spend entire evenings chatting to Aisha and Jessica and looking at memes. Unfortunately though, I couldn’t find my best friends from 6th grade anywhere online. One of them, Vlad, had Skype, so I could videocall him if I wanted to, but Masha, my best friend since primary school, didn’t seem to have any digital footprint.

Chatting on Facebook was a lot more practical than talking on the phone. There was no “Can I talk to Aisha please?” and awkward small talk with the parents, while waiting for Aisha to get out of her room. It was straight to the point. And plus, if you were to talk about serious topics, it would feel less confrontational. Aisha, Jessica and I created a group chat titled “The life of Stalin” and it became the only place where we could confront Jessica about her lies. Every time she would post a photo from an exotic trip to Bali or a Rolex watch her brother had randomly gifted her, Aisha and I would send disapproving messages to the group chat. “Why don’t you ever wear your Rolly to school, huh?” we would ask, only having the courage to do so over messages. “My parents wouldn’t let me,” would be Jessica’s excuse. “They don’t want me to lose it”.

Another strange thing about Facebook was that you could message absolutely anyone and have extensive deep conversations with them even if you never talk at school. Middle school was all about reputation after all. You couldn’t be seen with someone uncool, even if deep down you enjoyed their company. Aisha was the champion of these kinds of relationships. No one would want to hang out with her at school, as she was the ultimate weirdo, but on Facebook, she was private-messaging all the popular guys and nobody knew. Another example of this weird digital-age phenomenon was my classmate Benny. We lived in the same neighbourhood and would walk home together every day. Even though he did not look the part, Benny was the biggest gossip girl in the entire school. He knew everything about everyone and, after getting off the bus, the secrets would pour out of him like overcooked porridge out of a saucepan at high heat. He was a pro at talking to people over Facebook messages, getting everyone to confess their crushes and biggest secrets. But, as you can imagine, this kind of behaviour had its drawbacks. While looking for the next victim to get a new dose of juicy gossip from, Benny had stumbled upon the profile of Zosia, a Polish girl who had just moved to our town from Warsaw. The conversation started out as usual, he asked if there was anyone at the school she fancied or, on the contrary, found repulsive and wanted to vent about. But it led to something way more. Benny ended up falling head over heels for Zosia, even though they had never spoked in real life at all. They simply couldn’t speak when they were at school. He was the shortest boy in the class, his voice hadn’t even dropped yet. While Zosia was one of the prettiest girls in the whole school, with hair down to her waist and an army of admirers around her at all times. Even if the feeling was mutual, they couldn’t be seen together. Benny was not at Zosia’s social level and, despite their deep Facebook conversations, it was impossible for the two to connect in real life.

After the brief conversation with Gerry at the library, I decided to message him on Facebook as well. I knew he talked to everyone. Jessica and Aisha showed me his texts from time to time and oh boy, did he talk a lot. He confessed to anything and everything online and, despite being considered a mysterious person at school, was an open book when it came to the Internet. I was very curious to get to know him better. After all, hiding from our friends at the library was already a thing we had in common. Just like the others had told me, Gerry replied straight away. We chatted for a bit and, after only talking for fifteen minutes, the conversation suddenly got deep.

“im so annoyed at the world,” Gerry’s message read, and, after a short pause, continued, “do you know the feeling of wanting to be with someone but you cant.”

I asked him what he meant and if he was talking about anyone in particular. To my surprise, the next message was the length of paragraph in those philosophy books I was trying so hard to get through. But, unlike the boring babbling of Spinoza, the content of the message was a lot more thought provoking than anything I had ever read.

“imagine the beginning of a slow,’ it read. ‘your crush is standing right there. every fibre of your body is screaming “ASK HER YOU PRISSY BITCH”. you walk up to her stumbling. every rejection scenario running through your mind 200mph. your throat is dry you tap on the shoulder. she turns around… the one word that escapes your lips is “dance”? she nods. your heart skips a beat. the only thought you think is, “don’t pass out, please god don’t let me pass out”. you sway desperately trying to stay in rhythm. you get nervous and start to trip over yourself. she dosnt look you in the eyes. you panic. just try to get throughit. the song ends she leaves. you’re standing there wondering what just happened. you go home that night remembering that dance. you’re tired as hell but you can’t sleep. you slowly lose your mind over the fact that you’re desperately in love with a girl who just dosen’t care…”

I was taken aback by such an upfront confession. The description, the imagery, the amount of thought Gerry put into this one message… I was fascinated. I frankly didn’t know what to say.

“who is the girl?” I asked. The message was cute, for sure, but I didn’t care for confessions. I wanted gossip.

“oh come on everyone knows,” Gerry replied.

I thought about it for a second. Who did Gerry dance with at the school disco? I would be more preoccupied by the food at those kinds of events and would spend the night munching on a variety of crisps and sweets instead of dancing. Who was Gerry so in love with?

“take a wild guess,” said Gerry.

“i don’t know… aisha?” I asked. I had no clue.

Gerry typed a disappointing “-_-” into the chat.

The girl he was talking about turned out to be Dixie. It was a mystery to me, how he was so in love with her. Out of all the people in the class, she was probably the blandest one of them all. Good grades, no particular fashion sense or personality; she looked like every other girl. Oh well, to each their own, I thought.

“now that ive complained to you, it’s only fair you complain to me,” said Gerry. “anything you find annoying? any unreciprocated love on your end?”

“ive never had a crush on anyone like that,” I replied. It was true. I had never felt anything even remotely close to what Gerry had just described. Boys never interested me in that way at all. Even when it came to celebrities all the other girls were gushing over, I was completely indifferent. I just figured that I was some form of asexual, whatever that even meant. What was the point of falling in love anyway? We had so many more interesting things to discover at our age. Why waste your time?

“you’re lying,” Gerry kept repeating over and over. “that’s impossible. not even a little crush? -_- come on, i told you everything and you’re not gonna share? i promise i won’t tell.”

“im 100% honest,” I stated. “never been in love, never had a crush. i think i just can’t find anyone who’s on my level.”

Well that came off as pretentious, I thought.

“hello narcissism,” Gerry pointed out, rightfully so.

“okay hear me out,” I began. Now was my turn to write out an essay-long message. “whenever im friends with someone i have to learn from them. if they’re less intelligent than me, wha’ts the point? i either have to be on the same level as them, or they have to be smarter.”

“sounds like a recipe for no friends,” Gerry said.

“i don’t know about you, but i can’t be friends with someone who’s stupider than me and it’s hard because when i think i found the right person they turn out to be the wrong one. unfortunately, i’m a leader and i can’t change to be with someone. that’s why i never had a crush on anyone… i want to rule the world, only accept compliments and never change for anyone. i don’t have feelings for anyone… maybe it’s because i’m too full of myself. i just think that i’m too good for anyone so why like someone who’s a level lower than me!?”

I felt like it was the first time I had put it into words. There was a reason, why I couldn’t be genuine friends with Aisha and Jessica. I couldn’t share my thoughts and feelings with them because I felt like they wouldn’t understand me. Every conversation we’ve ever had was superficial, and if I did try to bring up serious topics, they would have nothing to say. If I couldn’t be a hundred percent honest with my friends, how could I ever have a fulfilling relationship?

“sounds like you really need to find good friends,” said Gerry. “you sound super lonely.”

“ya that’s the point,” I said.

The conversation died down. I didn’t have anything interesting to share like who my crush was or who I found attractive or any other things Gerry could be curious about. I saw that he had logged off and was about to close my laptop too. But then I decided to send him one last message.

“wanna hang out sometime after school?” I typed. “you seem cool. we could get slushies at the shopping centre or something.”

After a lot of typing, Gerry finally replied. I thought it was weird that he took so much time to write his message. It was a yes or no question, what was there to think about?

“listen, i have a couple of busy weeks coming up. guitar practice, a bunch of projects to do,” read the reply.

“okay i see,” I said. “well hmu when you’re free.”

I closed my laptop and took out my diary. There was a lot to write about. I wrote about Gerry’s obsession with Dixie and Aisha and Jessica and how I couldn’t be honest with them. ‘So a couple of weeks, huh?’ I thought, calculating the dates in my head. ‘I guess I’ll ask him again at the end of the month.’ I started imagining how Gerry and I would get slushies together and he would tell me more about what it’s like to have a crush. And, most importantly, why Dixie of all people? I was very curious to know the details.

The following day after school I was eager to share the news with Benny.

“How’s it going with Zosia?” I asked him, while we were on the topic of Facebook.

“It’s weird,” Benny sighed. “We talked until 2am yesterday. It’s like we know everything about each other. But at school…? It’s like we’re strangers. We don’t even say hello to each other in the hallways.”

“Yeah, I get that,” I said. “I talked to Gerry so much yesterday. He told me everything about him and Dixie.”

“Yeah, that guy overshares a lot,” Benny laughed. “Why did you ask him out though?”

“What do you mean?” I was confused. There was a rumour about me that I wasn’t even a part of.

“Yeah, he told me that you asked him out. Do you have a crush on him?”

Shit. It made sense now. That’s why he took so long to reply.

“Aisha dared me,” I said. It was easier than to explain our whole conversation. “We were at a sleepover with Jessica and we played truth or dare and I had to ask Gerry out.”

Benny seemed satisfied with the explanation. But jeez, what a mess! I thought that I had finally found someone I could be real friends with! And asking to hang out at the shopping centre with a friend was forbidden when that friend was a guy? How messed up is that?!

And so, I was stuck with Aisha and Jessica for the rest of seventh grade. Our friendship with Gerry ended before it even had the chance to begin.

 Looking back at my discussion with Gerry, it sounds almost comical. A part of it was true, of course; intelligence is still something I look for in a partner. But there was more to it. After all, attraction is not rational and, unlike what I believed in 7th Grade, I couldn’t pick and choose who I was attracted to. But I had not yet figured it out back then and, to be fair, not ever having a crush on anyone, didn’t bother me at the slightest.

That conversation with Gerry was perhaps one of the first signs that my childhood was coming to an end. The message was clear: girls and boys couldn’t be friends anymore. And, if you wanted to be close with a boy, holding hands and even kissing would no longer be enough. People were having sex.

My first introduction to sex was when I was eleven. It was around the time the iPhone 4 came out. As soon as the boys with the rich parents managed to get their hands on the new phone, breaktimes would be spent huddled around the tiny screen, watching videos on RedTube. I was never invited to watch these kinds of things and I didn’t have a smartphone to organise a screening of my own, but I had remembered the name of the forbidden website. So one day, after getting home from school, I decided to check it out for myself on the family computer. What I saw horrified me, to say the least. At the time, I wasn’t even fully aware of the differences between men and women, so what I saw was beyond my comprehension. I quickly closed the tab and swore to never go on that website again.

My classmates, however, didn’t seem to be as horrified by sex as I was. Soon enough, the only thing people talked about was sex. Be it jokes, gossip, or just mundane day-to-day conversation. It was all about sex. Now, instead of being picked on and teased for being “bossy” or “annoying”, girls were called “sluts”. It was a new buzzword, a new universal insult. And no girl was safe.

As I was still trying to find new friends as a replacement for Aisha and Jessica, I had made up a new strategy. I was one of the few people in my class who got lunch at the cafeteria and didn’t bring a picnic from home like most of the people I knew. So the lunchroom gave me the perfect opportunity to get to know other people. I would sit next to girls who looked a bit lonely and introduce myself. Soon enough, I met borders, people from different grades and even a couple of girls from the French section. Even though we’d never talk outside the lunchroom, small talk with these girls was a breath of fresh air after Aisha and Jessica’s tomfoolery. After all, when you meet someone new, you don’t immediately jump to talking about sex or porn, and I needed a break from all of that.

On one of my quests for friends, I met two girls from the French section: Sasha and Lidia. They had a direct interest in being friends with me. I knew Gerry and Sasha sounded madly in love with him.

“Ew,” I shrugged when Sasha revealed her secret. “What is it that you like about him?”

“Everything, he’s the cutest!” Sasha replied dreamily. “His hair, the way he talks… He plays guitar…”

“Could you ask him how he feels about her?” Lidia stepped in for her friend.

“Yeah that would be so-o-o nice of you!” Sasha said. “But like don’t directly tell him that I like him. Just ask what he thinks about me.”

“Sure,” I said. “I talk to him on Facebook quite often.”

And so our friendship with Sasha and Lidia was formed. To my dismay though, Aisha and Jessica decided to switch to “hot lunch” too and, soon enough, the five of us sat together every single lunchtime. I had once again lost my privacy, but being in a big friend group, instead of hanging out with Aisha and Jessica one on one, was a lot more bearable. There was more to talk about and, being surrounded by other people, almost made the two act more “normal”. We’d talk about boys and gossip about whoever was in a relationship that week. The conversations stayed relatively superficial, but at least we never ran out of things to talk about.

My dad wasn’t happy about my new friends at all. He had sent me to this elite private school to make connections with influential people and I instead chose to be friends with, to quote him, “two blacks and an arab”.

“There’s also Sasha and she’s German!” I protested.

“And a nazi… Great,” was my dad’s response.

Despite my dad’s awful racist remarks, I continued being friends with the four girls. It was fun and hanging out with rich Russian borders, like he had told me to, on the contrary, sounded like the dullest thing.

Jessica and I managed to set up a date for Sasha and Gerry and she couldn’t be happier. Despite not understanding what it was that she found so attractive about him, we were all very curious about their date. After all, she was the only one in the friend group going on dates. And plus, Sasha was very open when it came to her feelings and sexuality. She would surely tell us every little detail and, being obsessed with gossip, we would eat it all up, as a side dish to our cafeteria lunches.

While waiting for the date to happen, Aisha and I speculated a lot about Sasha and her openness. We found it weird that she felt so unashamed while talking about liking boys or even watching porn! However, as curiosity took over, we felt drawn to Sasha’s stories and asked her as many questions as we could. It wasn’t like the tasteless and, to be quite honest, incomprehensible sex jokes the boys would laugh about; it was precise information from an almost scientific point of view! If we had to get involved in the world of sex, talking to Sasha seemed like the most reasonable way to do it.

After lunch, we would all go to the storage room just above the cafeteria. We weren’t technically allowed to go there, of course, but no rules were ever strong enough to stand up to our taste for mischief. Talking about sex while sitting on the dusty old sofas in the dimly lit storage room felt like the most rebellious thing we’d done yet.

“Have you guys ever masturbated before?” Sasha asked, looking us up and down as if the admission into the secret world of the storage room depended on our answer.

“No,” I replied immediately. I was too ashamed to admit that I didn’t know what that meant. I knew it was a dirty word, but I had no idea what it was referring to. I had never done anything with a boy before so “no” seemed truthful enough.

“Me neither,” followed Aisha.

Jessica and Lidia shook their heads too.

“Ughh you guys are missing out,” Sasha rolled her eyes. “It’s the best.”

“Do you do it often?” Aisha asked.

“Yeah, a couple of times a week,” Sasha said casually. “I can go on for hours on end. It’s so addicting. You should try!”

“Yeah, I wanna try it!” Aisha said. “I just don’t know how to start.”

While Sasha was giving out tips to Aisha, I was trying to figure out what the word “masturbating” meant. It definitely sounded like something I’ve done before. Just touching yourself down there, right? Who hasn’t done that? And why would there even need to be this dirty word to describe it? It was the most natural thing ever!

After the bell rang and we all went our separate ways, Aisha took me by the arm and gave me a secretive look.

“I have a plan,” she said mysteriously. “I’ve heard that May is international masturbation month.”

“What? No way!” I laughed. “How do you even know that?”

“Well…,” continued Aisha, not answering my question. “I think we should celebrate May.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, we could gather all the tips and tricks we can find and then when May comes around, we could try masturbating,” she said.

I agreed to the plan. It sounded fun enough and plus being involved in any kind of sexual activity made you cool; I was sold. Except now I didn’t know how to tell Aisha that I had already done it before, and it would be too awkward to tell her about it now. It was time I took inspiration from Jessica, I thought. A white lie never hurt anyone.

 The next couple of weeks were spent “gathering tips” like Aisha had suggested. To be completely sure I understood the word “masturbation” right, I decided to google what it meant. The search results did confirm my understanding of it, but it raised a couple of new questions. First of all, I was a bit shocked to see the number of porn videos that came up. There were millions of them! It was one of, if not the most, popular categories on RedTube. And so, if it was considered so desirable and cool, did masturbating make me cool? Was I one of the cool girls now? Or did it, on the contrary, make me a slut? And secondly, after watching a couple of videos, I found myself wondering, if I did it right at all. The girls in the videos were so consumed by it, making weird grimaces and moaning loudly from pleasure. It didn’t look like anything I had ever experienced. Hell, for me it wasn’t a sexual activity at all, but felt more like scratching an itch. I didn’t fantasise about anything while doing it or look at pictures of boys; for all I knew I could be thinking about my plans for tomorrow or making a grocery list in my head; it wasn’t something I related to sex at all. ‘Maybe that could be one of the first tips,’ I thought. ‘Perhaps, thinking about sex while doing it made it better.’

Honestly, I was a bit disappointed with the content I found on RedTube. There were no tips on how to make yourself feel good or tutorials from other girls, showing you exactly what you needed to do. It was just girls doing the same things over and over again, squinting at the camera seductively, twisting their bodies into what looked like very uncomfortable positions and trying to make the weirdest sounds possible. And yet, there was something oddly mesmerising about it; I couldn’t stop watching. It wasn’t scarily disgusting like the other porn videos I had watched before. There were no men with their horrid penises and square abs that reminded me of my grandma’s cushioned sofa, but just girls having fun and enjoying themselves. Ah, women were so much more pleasant to look at! I suddenly thought of my Physics teacher. Does she masturbate?

The following day, I told Aisha about my findings and she also agreed that RedTube was unhelpful to our plan.

“I just want a tutorial on how to do it,” she said. “I’m here to learn! I don’t want to watch hours of girls jerking off, I’m not a lesbo!”

“Should we go to the library and see if there are any books about it?” I suggested. I sincerely doubted it, but they did have a couple of books on sex ed there.

“Yes good idea!” said Aisha. “I was also thinking looking at other websites. Not like porn websites, but maybe forums. I’m sure we can find step-by-step instructions somewhere.”

And so, we ran to the library once again. I was responsible for finding books, while she sat behind the school computer, looking for forums. The first book I picked up was “All about sex”, the infamous book that made everyone laugh every single time we came to the library. But this was no laughing matter. With the seriousness of a PhD researcher, I turned straight to the glossary and looked up the word masturbation. Covering the book with my jumper, I quickly strutted to the computer room to show it to Aisha.

“Huh, this is weird,” she whispered, after having read the pages I showed her. “This is only about men.”

“Maybe ‘masturbation’ only refers to men and there’s another word for women?” I suggested. “Did you find anything?”

“Yes! Check this out!” she opened the tab on the computer. “It’s like confessions. They publish stories from other people. I read a couple and there’s so much to discover!”

I started reading the tiny font on the screen and the content was indeed quite interesting. The first story was from a girl who put a butter knife up her vagina. When her mum asked about why the knife was all sticky, she didn’t know what to say.

“Eww! A butterknife?” I exclaimed.

“Shh!” whispered Aisha, reminding me that we were still at the library. “It gets even crazier! She stuck an egg up there and when she took it out it was hardboiled!”

“What?” I gasped. “That’s so messed up…”

“I think it’s the pressure in there,” Aisha explained. “You know how pressure cookers work. I think it’s the same down there.”

“That’s crazy,” I said.

As soon as we started reading the next story, the bell rang. As usual, we ran through the auditorium and took the emergency exit stairs.

“What’s going on?” Aisha pointed at the crowd forming around the school gates. There was an ambulance and, right next to it, Lidia was sitting on the ground covering her face.

 For the next couple of days Lidia was nowhere to be found. She didn’t have Facebook and we didn’t know her phone number either. At this point we were still new friends so everything about her life outside the lunchroom was a mystery. Maybe she was just not feeling well, we thought and carried on with our lives, having lunch without her. However, Sasha seemed to have disappeared too and, in her case, it was even weirder. She didn’t reply to any of the messages on Facebook and Jessica, who had her number, told us that the calls wouldn’t go through. We asked Gerry if he knew anything about her, since they were supposed to go on a date that weekend, but he was just as clueless as we were. Our only guess was that she perhaps suddenly got the flu and that her strict parents took away her phone. But days went by and the two girls were still nowhere to be seen.

The person who was the least worried about the situation was Aisha. She was fixated on her mission.

“Where the fuck is Sasha when we need her?” she would occasionally say, only referring to our conversations about sex in the storage room.

“Maybe something serious happened and you only care about your stupid masturbation plan,” Jessica would tell her off. “You’re seriously so insensitive! You only care about people when they’re useful to you!”

To be completely honest, I wasn’t too concerned about Sasha and Lidia either. It was strange, for sure, but if it was truly something serious, someone would have already told us, I thought. The ambulance worried me of course, but it could have been completely unrelated to their long absences. Lidia just happened to be next to it and Sasha wasn’t even seen anywhere near it. Maybe someone just broke their leg during P.E. or something. Or fainted. Or maybe someone fell down the stairs. Anything could have been possible. And I had other things to worry about.

My biggest concern and my new obsession at that moment was Physics. It was a new subject this year and, at the beginning, I was excited. I saw a couple of pages about space and black holes in the Physics book and was very intrigued. But, as the school year progressed, my excitement wavered away. The first chapter was simple enough, but, as soon as we got onto the topic of forces, I couldn’t understand a thing. My grade went from an A to a D, and I began to loathe the subject with my entire existence.

“Physics makes me want to commit suicide,” I would sigh every time before class and would even skip it when Aisha and Jessica were up for it.

The day after Sasha and Lidia’s disappearance, I suggested we skip Physics as usual.

“The test is coming up though!” Aisha protested.

“Since when do you care about grades?” I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, I actually like the subject and if I want to get into Cambridge, I better start working now,” Aisha replied sharply.

“You? Into Cambridge?” Jessica laughed. “Dream on bitch!”

We laughed.

“Fuck you,” mumbled Aisha, giving us a spiteful look. She was serious about it and so going to Physics class was inevitable.

After what seemed like the longest forty-five minutes of my life were over, I was too sleepy to get out of my seat. As soon as the bell rang, Aisha packed her books with the speed of light and stormed out of the classroom. She had signed up to the after-school drama club and had to catch a train to get to the studio as soon as possible. Jessica disappeared too. She saw Gerry in the hallway and ran to ask him if he had any news on Sasha. I, on the other hand, didn’t have the energy to move after such a tedious class. I began to slowly put my books away one by one, sighing as loudly as I could. ‘No way I’m coming to this class next week,’ I thought. ‘Miss me with that bullshit.’

As soon as I put the last book in my bag, the teacher called my name.

“You’re not in a hurry, are you?” she asked. She must’ve noticed my attitude. I felt kind of bad for making such a scene and sighing so loudly. It wasn’t her fault that her subject was so boring.

“No, I’m super tired,” I replied, in a way trying to reassure her that my moodiness wasn’t her fault.

“Hmm, that’s a shame,” she looked at me with disappointment. “Are there any boys in the corridor? I have this huge bag to carry to my car. I don’t know if I’ll manage with all the other things.”

“Oh, I can help you!” I said enthusiastically, my tiredness disappearing the very second. I was surprised by my own reaction. I couldn’t even do one push up in P.E. class, why would I volunteer to carry a heavy bag so eagerly?

“Oh, that would be great!” the teacher said with relief. “I have this bag full of books I wanted to give to the children’s library and then my son’s sports bag for football practice and all these notebooks to grade, and my husband took the car this morning, so I had to carry it all around with me and it’s all a big fat mess.”

I laughed.

“Anyway, I think I’m gonna…,” she paused for a sec and squinted, probably thinking in what order she was going to get on with her plans. “Okay,” she sighed. “So, he told me he’ll park right in front of the gates. If you could help me carry the books there, that would be amazing!”

I nodded and picked up the heavy laminated grocery bag full of books.

“My son told me they need books for the primary school library,” the teacher continued. “I was like huh, with two kids of my own I have a whole library at my house!”

“How old are your kids?” I asked.

“Son is 8, daughter is 4.”

“Aww!” I smiled. “They must be so cute!”

“Cute on photos, but they’re two little devils,” the teacher laughed, putting the sports bag over her shoulder. “The house is in a constant state of chaos.”

We walked in silence for a bit. I wasn’t any good at small talk and being around the teacher felt unusually awkward. I didn’t know what it was that made me so uneasy. I wasn’t usually shy and couldn’t care less about small talk, especially with teachers. But this time, I felt partially paralysed, as if my brain was coming off anaesthesia. I wanted to talk to her and ask her so many things but didn’t know how. And yet, it felt like there was something so meaningful in the silence between us. After only walking for a couple of minutes, I found myself thinking that I would have loved to be friends with her if we were the same age.

“Are you doing anything cool for the Christmas holidays?” I suddenly asked her out of nowhere.

“Going skiing probably,” she replied. “You?”

“I might go see my dad in Montenegro,” I said.

“Ohh Montenegro! That’s so cool!” she said. “I used to live in Croatia before, I loved it there!”

“Yeah, it’s very nice,” I said, surprised that I had finally met someone who’s heard about the place before.

“Their language is kinda funny don’t you think?” the teacher laughed. “My husband is Croatian and he teaches me little words sometimes.”

“I used to speak it when I was very small,” I said. “I spent my childhood there. But I forgot everything. Now I only know how to say hvala and dobar dan and how to order a coffee.”

“Well hvala to you, Jacky, for helping me with the bag!” she said as we got to the car. “I don’t know what I would’ve done otherwise,” she laughed.

As she left, I stood still for a couple of minutes, smelling her perfume before it completely melted into the air. I was fascinated. It seemed to me like, instead of awkwardly chatting for five or so minutes, I had just had the most captivating conversation of my entire life. I even felt a bit lightheaded. ‘Wow,’ I kept repeating in my head. ‘If only we were the same age, I wouldn’t need no Aishas and Jessicas. She would be my best friend and I wouldn’t need anyone else.’. I couldn’t stop thinking about her for the rest of the day, imagining all kind of scenarios of how we would bump into each other on our way to the Balkans, or if she ever wanted to donate books to our school library and I would just coincidentally happen to be there. I had to get to know her better! As I opened my agenda to check if we had any homework, I realised that I might have the perfect plan. The Physics test was next week, which meant that I could perhaps go talk to her during breaktimes, disguising it as needing extra help. My grades were proof that I needed help and it wouldn’t at all be suspicious. I would get to know her and my grades would go up; it was a win-win situation.

Satisfied with my plan, I took my laptop and lay on my bed. Now that Physics was sorted, I could go back to my normal life with Aisha and Jessica. I suddenly remembered Aisha’s plans for May and the conclusions I had come to after watching those porn videos. No one was home, so I could do anything, right? I slid my hand into my underwear and began to touch myself. I didn’t know what I could think about. ‘I guess I could imagine myself having sex,’ I thought, but that sounded illegal. I was only thirteen! Who would I realistically have sex with? The boys in my class? As if! And no way would I want to imagine myself with an adult. If Aisha had taught me one thing with her gross jokes about paedophilia, it was that it was disgusting and I didn’t want to be involved in it. I could imagine two adults having sex, I thought. But who? My Physics teacher and her Croatian husband? As funny as the idea sounded, I found it more and more appealing the more I thought about it. I imagined her sighing and making strange faces like the women in those porn videos on RedTube. It made my heart pound in my ears.

Suddenly, I got interrupted by a notification from Facebook. It was a message from Aisha.

“heyy watchu up to,” the message read.

“just me myself and i,” I replied. “parents aren’t home and well… i didn’t wait till may.”

“lol same,” read the reply.

I felt like I had just confessed to a crime.

“i wanted to tell u but i was scared u woud judg me,” said Aisha.

“no worries! i should’ve told you before. ive done it since grade 6,” I wrote.

“omg me to!!!” said Aisha.

The truth was out and Aisha was obsessed. She started bombarding me with questions right away. Did I do it lying on my back or my stomach? Did I put any objects down there? Have I tried doing it with an electric toothbrush?

“hey, i dont want to be open about this kind of stuff, not like sasha,” I wrote, unable to keep up with all of her questions.

Suddenly another message popped up. It was from Jessica.

“OMG JACKY YOU MASTURBATE?” it read. The news had spread quickly.

I felt like a celebrity. I guess it did make me a cool girl, just like the videos had suggested. Maybe I should be open about this stuff, I thought.

“yeah and so should you ;)” I replied to Jessica, trying to keep up with my newly found “cool” and sexual persona.

Aisha kept spamming me, asking the most ridiculous questions and confessing to everything she had done.

“i put a rubber duck up there once,” she said. “have u done it in front of a mirror btw? if u hvent i highly recomend!!1”

I was very confused about the rubber duck comment, but this wasn’t the place to shame anyone.

“do u think people can tell that we do it? do u think our parents can tell?” Aisha asked.

“well we are 13, everyone does it,” I said.

“not evryone, people think it’s gross,” Aisha said. “some peple think it’s a sin.”

“like who?” I asked.

“jews and muslims.”

Good thing I wasn’t Jewish or Muslim then, I thought, as I opened a new message from Jessica.

“omg jacky i have an update about sasha…….,” read the message.

Jessica took a while to type out the next one. Something felt off.

“she wanted to commit suicide and swallowed a bunch of pills in the bathroom at school. lidia was with her.”

 I looked at Jessica’s message for a while, not knowing how to react. We talked to Sasha every single day prior to this and none of us could have guessed she was suicidal this whole time. I mean, now that I thought about it, she had bandages around her wrist, but so did a lot of other girls. Jessica cut herself too, but it was never seen as a big issue. Back in Montenegro, after a dramatic conversation with my dad, I had also tried to cut myself. Luckily, the sharpest thing I could find in the house were plastic scissors from Ikea that only left me with a couple of scratches, but, if I had found any razors that night, I would’ve probably ended up with scars on my wrists just like my friends. To be completely honest, cutting seemed more like a fashion trend at the time. So many girls did it, so it wasn’t shocking to any us. But Sasha wanting to kill herself? Now that was shocking.

After staring at the screen, I finally managed to write a reply.

“why….?” I wrote. It was the only thing I could come up with.

“shes bipolar,” explained Jessica. “she thinks shes fat and ugly.”

“wtf… she’s so skinny…,” I said.

“i kno,” replied Jessica. “this is why the ambulance came. it’s worse than amanda todd. she drank alcohol and had pills she wasnt told to take.”

I forwarded the messages to Aisha.

“but she’s so skinny!” she said. “fuck am i the only one at our lunch table who isn’t suicidal?”

“looks like it :/” I replied and closed my laptop.

The rest of the semester was long and monotonous. We managed to find out what hospital Sasha was staying at and decided to visit her, but no matter how hard we tried to convince the hospital staff to let us in, we were not allowed to see her. Right before Christmas though, her parents invited us to a restaurant together. We were finally going to see Sasha, and Lidia, who had since been studying from home, was going to be there too.

I was nervous. After all, how do you even talk to a person who’s had a suicide attempt? What would we talk about? Was Sasha a changed person now? Would she even talk to us at all? But no one else seemed to be worried. On our way to the restaurant Aisha and Jessica were talking about what pizza they were going to order, but I had no appetite whatsoever.

Sasha was standing in front of the restaurant, her thin hair blowing in the wind. She gave us an awkward wave when she saw us across the street, and we greeted her with big smiles. She hadn’t changed at all. She was a bit paler than I had remembered but there were no drastic changes like I was expecting. When I gave her a hug, my first impression was confirmed: she was the same Sasha we knew before the hospital.

“So, any hot doctors?” laughed Aisha to break the ice, as we sat around the table.

“Well, there was one,” Sasha replied, grinning mysteriously. “He’d give me extra desert.”

“Desert or… desert?” Aisha winked and we all laughed.

“I wish,” Sasha rolled her eyes. “I mean regular desert, unfortunately. The food there was awful, but they had these pre-packaged brownies we’d get with every meal. And the hot guy gave me extras.”

The conversation felt like the good old times around the lunch table. Lidia was unusually quiet, but we figured that, after being home for so long, she must’ve simply forgotten how to socialise. Other than that, we laughed and talked about sex as usual, the only change being that we had to talk quieter than in the storage room, because Sasha’s parents were at the table next to us. The big news was that Sasha was no longer interested in Gerry.

“I don’t know, he doesn’t do it for me anymore,” Sasha sighed. “He’s cute but he’s not like hot.”

“The hospital did fix you, huh,” said Aisha cynically. “So fucking glad that’s sorted.”

After finishing our meals, we all went our separate ways. It felt anticlimactic in a way, but maybe that was for the better. What counted was that Sasha was feeling better and was going to return to school after the Christmas holidays.

The holidays weren’t great. I ended up not going to my dad’s because my mum was worried about the parties he would throw for New Years. To be fair, I was not a big fan of his parties either. He would always get way too drunk and sing karaoke with his equally drunk friends, while his girlfriend danced seductively around them. As a child it always made me uncomfortable. I’d always feel bad for not having fun and being too young to drink, so once, the summer before 7th Grade, I decided to make an effort for his birthday. My only other partying experience was at the school discos and even that was awkward, so when it came to hanging out with drunk adults, I was way out of my comfort zone. I forced myself to down a glass of champagne, sang karaoke with my dad and tried to appear as joyful as possible, despite feeling painfully insecure. And, as everyone was dancing, one of my dad’s friends invited me for a slow. I was excited at first; no boy had ever invited me to dance before. Back at the school discos, when slow songs came on, I would always be the one in the corner, so this was new. But, as soon as I accepted the invitation and the man put his arms around me, something felt off.

“Hey, you’re so stiff!” he said.

“Sorry! This is my first time wearing heels,” I explained, clumsily stepping from side to side.

“Relax a bit, enjoy the ride baby,” the man whispered into my ear, squeezing my waist and pressing himself against me.

“Look at that! My little girl is a lady now!” shouted my dad from across the room. “Hey, don’t be weird or I will snap neck in half!” he instructed his friend, laughing as he reached for yet another beer.

As soon as the song was over, I sprinted upstairs to my hotel room, lay on the bed hugging my knees and cried. A couple of minutes later the doorbell rang. It was my dad.

“Hey Jacky, are you hiding again?” he greeted me angrily when I opened the door.

“Yeah, I think I’ll go to sleep now,” I said. “I’m tired.”

“You’re being so rude and I’m sick of it!” my dad started scolding me. “It’s my birthday, we’re all having fun and you’re running away like some feral animal. I don’t get it.”

He slammed the door and left. I guessed my efforts to fit in weren’t enough.

Thinking back to that experience, maybe it was for the better that I didn’t go to Montenegro over Christmas. But staying home for two weeks was boring. Luckily for me though, Aisha didn’t go anywhere either and our parents were more than happy to let us hang out together for the next couple of days. Despite being close at school, I realised that I barely knew anything about her. I knew that she was weird, loved Shane Dawson and that, all of a sudden, her new big dream was getting into Cambridge University. Perhaps, if she was bound to be my “best friend” and I had to stick with her for the rest of the school year, I could find likeable aspects of her personality if I got to know her a bit better.

Aisha and I had a couple of things a common, the first being that we both grew up without a father. Except her story was a lot darker than mine. She told me that when she was a baby her father kidnapped her and wanted to take her to Egypt. Ever since then, she was not allowed to post any pictures of herself online so that he wouldn’t find her again. As she was telling the story, it felt like she was completely disconnected to it. And I, having my own father-related trauma, didn’t think of it as a big deal. We bonded over it quite a bit though, talking about how we never had those typical family dinners like in American movies from the 80s or how when it came to talking about your family in French class, it was awkward for both of us. But apart from that, there wasn’t much else to say.

Apart from “daddy issues”, the only other thing we had in common was that we both watched porn and weren’t afraid to talk about it. And so, we did exactly that. I don’t remember whose idea it was, but, soon after talking about the trauma our fathers had caused us, we found ourselves glued to the screen of my iPad, browsing RedTube, PornHub, YouPorn and any other websites we knew. It started off as a joke at first, trying to find the most fucked up videos we could. We laughed at monster porn and hentai, where the main character not only had purple hair but purple pubes, and made jokes about which one of our friends would be which character in the video. But, after clicking through all the ridiculous videos, we ended up watching things that we actually liked.

“Do you watch porn when you masturbate?” I asked.

“I mean most of the time I don’t, but I have tried it, yeah,” said Aisha. “It’s kind of distracting though.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it,” I agreed. “It’s like trying to focus on two things at the same time.”

“What kind of stuff do you usually watch?” she asked.

“Hmm…,” I gave it a thought. “Probably lesbian. Or the ones where the focus is on the woman. Dicks are so gross. I always have to skip the blowjob part, it makes we wanna throw up.”

“Yeah, I used to watch mainly women before too,” said Aisha. “Because before I used to imagine myself as the woman in the video. And now I just watch the ones that focus on guys. Like them jerking off.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. I’m always imagining myself in the place of the women,” I said, but for some reason it didn’t feel truthful. If anything, I would picture myself in the place of the men. But why did I not find videos of men attractive? ‘I’m probably just curious about the other’s point of view,’ I thought.

“But yeah, I agree, blowjobs are gross. I skip that part too,” uttered Aisha with disgust. “What even are blowjobs I don’t get it. Do they blow on the dick?”

“I don’t think so, I think it’s just sucking,” I said, but now I was not too sure.

“Do you think you’ll ever give your boyfriend blowjobs?” she asked.

“Uhhh probably…?” I said hesitantly. “I mean guys say it’s like their favourite thing, so I think I’ll have to. I think it’s one of those things where it’s kinda gross, but you have to get used to it.”

“Ugh I don’t think I’ll ever do it,” she said. “Anything but that. Ew! I tried sucking Gerry off once and that was awkward as fuck.”

“You what…?” I exclaimed. Aisha and Gerry? That was new.

“Oh yeah, you don’t know?” Aisha replied calmly. “We dated in primary school. From third to fifth grade. We’d make out and I’d touch his dick.”

“In primary school?” I said in disbelief. “How is that even possible?”

“Yeah that’s why it was so awkward,” Aisha laughed. “He hadn’t gone through puberty yet and I was like licking his fucking pre-pubescent penis.” She burst out laughing. “We were in the car, and we went into a tunnel, right, and so it was all dark. And we started making out like crazy. But I think my mum saw everything.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or be concerned.

“That’s why he fucking hates me now,” Aisha continued laughing. “It was so awkward! I feel like every time he sees me, he just has these Vietnam war flashbacks.”

‘And when I was in primary school, I brought my teddy bears to school,’ I thought.

“Anyway, speaking of men, I want to show you a guy who’s actually hot,” Aisha said mysteriously and led me to the TV in the living room. “Check this out!”

She turned on the TV and started going through the recordings.

“Telecommerce?”

“You’ll see, you’ll see!” she muttered. “Here!”

The ad was for a fitness training program called “Insanity”. It showed a bulky fitness coach doing burpees, sweating rigorously through his singlet.

“That’s Shaun T,” Aisha pointed at the coach lovingly. “This is like hypnosis to me. I watch him and I forget everything.”

“Wow he’s hot!” I said, but it felt like a lie.

“I get so wet while watching him,” Aisha said dreamily and then turned to me and gave me a cheeky smile and winked. “You’re welcome!”  

“That’s what I’m gonna be watching tonight,” I said, still confused as to why Shaun T’s muscular body had no effect on me. He did seem like the perfect guy: fit, strong and, judging by the comments he’d make while doing jumping jacks or push ups, he had a likeable personality too. But looking at him had the same effect on me as watching the advertisement for five-in-one mops that came on right after the “Insanity” segment was finished. I guessed this meant that I wasn’t into black guys…? He was probably just not my type, I thought.

While we were rewatching the ad for “Insanity”, my mum called to tell that she was going to pick me up soon.

“Ughh,” groaned Aisha. “You should stay over next time! We could go on Omegle!”

“Huh? What’s that?” I asked. I’ve heard that name before, but I wasn’t too sure.

“It’s like Skype, but it connects you to strangers,” explained Aisha. “We would go on it all the time with Jessica. It’s so much fun. We’d like dress up weird and scare people! And like tell them they were gonna die like in “The Ring”.”

“Lol I can imagine,” I said, thinking back to 6th Grade when Aisha had long hair.

“You could do your Russian accent, it will scare so many people!” said Aisha with excitement. “Sometimes kids go on there and you can make them cry it’s so fucking funny!”

“Okay…,” I said hesitantly. “We can try next time!”

I was glad my mum was coming to pick me up because, although hanging out with Aisha was fun, her weirdness was often too much to handle. The idea of making children cry on Omegle didn’t interest me too much, but the concept of the website sounded intriguing. If I had no good real-life friends, maybe I could have noteworthy conversations with random strangers online, I thought.

 The next time I was home alone, I wasn’t going to be watching “Insanity” workouts like I had promised Aisha, that was for sure. I had another plan. As soon as my mum left, I opened my laptop and went on Omegle. I didn’t turn on my camera just yet; I wanted to get familiar with the website first. It was a simple HTML webpage with a white background and blue links, typical for the mid-2010s. At the bottom of the page you could type in your interests, so that you and the random stranger it would connect you to would have something to talk about. I gave it a thought.

“Owls,” I typed in, after thinking about all the topics I could potentially talk about. I didn’t want to talk about school or – God forbid! – philosophy. And I wasn’t a fan of any books or TV series either. Frankly, I didn’t have any particular interests and would be happy to talk about just about anything. And, if I could find someone who had the same favourite animal as me, it would already be a good start.

After a couple of seconds, the website connected me to a girl wearing an owl hoodie.

“hi,” I typed into the chat.

“Turn on your camera!” she said. But I was too shy. Showing my face just like that sounded scary for some reason. I typed a quick “gtg” into the chat and disconnected. ‘Well, that was a fail,’ I thought. But at least I had figured out how the website worked.

After going back to the homepage, I thought about what other interests I could put and suddenly felt a rush of adrenaline. I got out of my room and paced around the apartment, nervously glancing around, as if to make sure that my mum wasn’t, for some odd reason, hiding under the kitchen chairs or under the bed. After being completely reassured that I was indeed home alone, I locked the door of my room and put my laptop on my knees. Covering in with the sleeves of my jumper, I took a deep breath and typed in “masturbation”. But I didn’t press Enter just yet.

I was going to turn the camera on this time, but first, I had to make sure no one would recognise me. I lowered my laptop so that you wouldn’t see my face and hang a towel on my bedframe so that not even a tiny corner of my room would be shown. The chance that the random stranger suggested to me knew me was small of course, but I couldn’t risk it. When I made sure everything was perfect, I took off my clothes and pressed enter.

The first person Omegle connected me with was sitting in a large dimly lit room with brown walls and red Persian carpets on the floor. He was wearing a silk bath robe, revealing his thick curly chest hair. As soon as he saw me, he unwrapped his robe completely and started rubbing his exposed penis that was even hairier than his chest.

“u have the perfect body princess,” he commented in the chat.

The experience was surreal. Me? Princess? The perfect body? I felt shocked and flattered at the same time. I was at the level of those hot girls on RedTube; I was just as desired as they were! The boys at school never paid any attention to me, but here? I was making grown men cum in just a few seconds.

“thank u,” wrote the man after ejaculating all over the carpet. He logged off and the screen went black.

The next guys were just as amazed, calling me perfect and saying I had the most beautiful body they had ever seen.

“love the hair,” commented one of them.

“ive never seen a body like this,” said the next, taking a screenshot.

And one after the other, they would ejaculate just a couple of seconds in.

I had never felt so powerful before, although I had never thought of myself as weak. I had no trouble presenting in front of the class before and had a lot of confidence when it came to standing up for myself if anyone was being mean to me. But the power I felt that night on Omegle was like nothing I had ever experienced. The men – the grown ass men! – looked at me with puppy eyes and praised me, unable to retain themselves, no matter how big and imposing their penises looked. It made me feel like a goddess! It made me feel like I was invincible! I had real power for the first time in my life!

When my parents came home, however, I had to return to the real world. I turned off the camera, cleared all search history and obediently went to the kitchen to do the dishes, like my mum had ordered me to. Nobody knew my secret. And no one was ever going to know it. I wasn’t going to tell Aisha anything about Omegle, that was for sure. I would never tell anyone. Not even my diary.

 After Christmas it felt like everyone in our friend group suddenly got older. We were happy to be reunited at the lunch table again, but, after Sasha’s return from the hospital, things just felt different. The dynamics of our friend group weren’t the same. After spending most of the holidays together, Aisha and I became a duo. We had our inside jokes about Shaun T and hentai and plus, I was the only one who knew about her family situation and what really happened with her father. Hanging out with Jessica felt even more shallow than before and ditching Aisha in the toilets, like we did at the start of the year, seemed out of place now. Jessica, on the other hand, grew close with Sasha. They both adored One Direction, something neither me nor Aisha could understand. And Lidia… Well, she never truly recovered from the shock of seeing her best friend try to commit suicide in front of her. She became unusually quiet and soon left our lunch table completely. She switched to “picnic lunch” and would sit with the K-pop fans and Anime nerds. Soon enough, we wouldn’t even say hello to each other in the hallways.

Sasha’s suicide attempt quickly became old news, as there was a new and more interesting story to replace it. This time, it involved her again, but in a very different light.

“Wanna see something?” Jessica asked me once on our way to class, with a spark of mischief in her eyes.

“Sure!” I agreed gleefully, not having the slightest idea of what was to come.

She grabbed my wrist and led me to the bathroom. I guessed the idea of going to class was suddenly out of the window.

“You know Anthony, right?” she asked quietly, shutting the bathroom door behind us.

“Yeah…? The one with the curly hair, right?” I asked, curious as to why talking about this random boy none of us even had classes with was so important.

“Well…,” Jessica took a deep breath. “Sasha sent him nudes, while she was at the hospital.”

“What..?” I gasped. “I thought she didn’t have Wi-Fi there! So she ignored us all this time, while sexting this random ass dude?”

“Yeah, basically,” confirmed Jessica. “But umm… Do you wanna see the pics? He gave me the password.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was curious for sure, but what an asshole Anthony was for giving Jessica the password! And why didn’t Sasha change her password? If Jessica knew it, so did everyone else, I had no doubt about it.

“Omg show me!” I said, checking that we were in the bathroom alone.

Jessica took out her cracked iPhone 3G and went on Facebook.

“Here, read the convo,” she instructed and passed me the phone. It read:

“Anthony: whatchu up to

Sasha: chillin :P watching youtube

Anthony: send pics?”

What followed was a picture of Sasha’s lunch: a light blue trey with a white bowl filled with quinoa and vegetables and two brownies wrapped in plastic, like she had told us. The conversation continued:

“Anthony: nahh i mean pics of u

Sasha: i look ugly

Anthony: noo just ur booty

Sasha: u srs? :P porn is free u know

Anthony: i really need to cum. just one pic plz”

Sasha then sent a stock photo of a woman in a bikini.

“Sasha: here lol :P

Anthony: haha no i want to see ur body not some random bitch

Sasha: pornhub.com

Anthony: pleaseeee”

I scrolled through the rest of the conversation quickly, as it was all the same; Anthony was begging for photos, while Sasha repeated “no” over and over again. When, suddenly, Sasha gave in.

It took me a moment to take in the fact that I was staring at my friend’s genitals. It was surprising at first, but it wasn’t as strange as I thought it would be. Hers was just like mine, after all and, after watching a lot of porn during Christmas break, I had become used to seeing vaginas. One thing that stood out though was that, unlike mine, her labia was absolutely hairless. Up until that point, I was convinced that the only people who ever shaved down there were porn stars. I had heard that porn was unrealistic and figured that that was the unrealistic part. After all, what sane person would want to shave down there? I was proud to finally have pubic hair like an adult, just like I was excited to start my period and grow breasts. And now I was supposed to get rid of it? And plus, just picturing a sharp razor next to something so sensitive freaked me out. ‘I would never do it,’ I shuddered, imagining what it would feel like to accidentally cut yourself while shaving.

I continued reading.

“Anthony: now one with ur finger in it

Sasha: stopp you’ve had enough lol

Anthony: last one plzzz”

More photos followed.

“Hey Jessy,” I called Jessica, who was standing in the doorway all this time, to make sure that no one came into the bathroom. “Do you shave down there?”

“Lol no,” she laughed. “What’s the point? No one’s gonna see it anyway.”

“Would you shave if you had a boyfriend?” I asked again.

“Yeah probably,” shrugged Jessica and took back her phone. It sounded like another thing I would be obliged to do, if I ever got a boyfriend. I sighed in disappointment and we returned back to class.

Despite the radical changes in our friend group and Sasha’s nudes circulating around the school, assigning her the reputation of the “the school slut”, we would still occasionally go to the storage room to talk about sex and masturbation together. I was still curious as to why I wasn’t turned on by men and the storage room was a safe space to talk about this.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” shrugged Sasha. “I only watch gay porn. But you like the fitness trainer guy, right?”

“Yeah,” I lied, staying loyal to Aisha. “But dicks are so gross.”

“True,” Sasha laughed. “Not like pussies are better though, but we’re more used to them. I think you’ll get used to dicks too. Ohh speaking of…!” she interrupted herself. “My mum finally got me an electric toothbrush. I’m gonna follow your advice!” she said to Aisha.

The conversation changed to another topic, my questions still left unanswered. I guess I really was asexual, I thought, mentally preparing myself for a life of loneliness. I imagined myself growing old in a countryside cottage, living completely on my own. It didn’t bother me that much, to be quite honest. Being an only child, I spent most of my time alone anyway. Perhaps I could live with a female friend, I thought. Not like Aisha, because she would get on my nerves, but someone like my Physics teacher. We would live together somewhere in the mountains, like Kolašin or Cetinje, go to the local market for fresh fruit and vegetables every morning and maybe have a cat or a dog. And, if it itched down there, we’d have a collection of all kinds of sex toys. Not being attracted to dicks wasn’t a sentence after all, I thought.

Daydreaming about a cottage in the Balkans became my new favourite activity. As soon as I’d get home from school, I’d open my diary and start drawing. I planned out the house, equipped with a big vegetable garden and raspberry bushes, and even brainstormed names for my future pets: a cat called Barsik, a dog named Sharik and a tiny green chameleon I’d figure out what to call once I’d get it. I’d have a small black car or even a motorcycle in case I wanted to go to Bar or Ulcinj for a swim and, if I was going to dream big, I’d have to have a helicopter too. After giving it some thought, I decided to draw a portrait of my Physics teacher too. She embodied what I saw as the perfect friend to join me on this adventure. When I finished the drawing, I admired my work from afar. Maybe I should tell Aisha about this, I thought and logged onto Facebook.

As soon as I opened my laptop, I saw that Aisha had already sent me a message.

“u know the purest virgn of them all, saint virgin sasha?” the message read. “well she’s just sasha now.”

That was a strange way to put it, I thought.

“you mean she lost her virginity?” I rephrased Aisha’s weirdly phrased sentence.

“ya. i dont know who tho,” said Aisha. “i dont really want to be her friend anymore.”

“me neither,” I agreed, not knowing what else I could say. “she changed so much after the hospital. now she’s a slut…”

Aisha took a while to type the next message.

“shes doing all this stuff even though we told her it wasnt right..” she said, probably referring to Sasha’s photo exchange with Anthony. “sure everyone wants to experience certain things but.. you know what I mean. shes doing it for attention…”

“what did sasha say?” I asked, curious to see how Sasha even managed to lose her virginity. We were thirteen and, even thought I had heard that some of our classmates were already having sex, it still felt so disconnected from reality.

What followed were screenshots of Aisha’s conversation with Sasha. Pulling my laptop closer, as if trying to hide it from my mum who could enter the room at any given moment, I started reading. The screenshots read:

“Aisha: hey how was your party im sorry i couldn’t cone i really wanted to… was it good?”

Sasha: lol

omfg

i fucked

lol

Aisha: who ???

Sasha: lol not telling :P im not telling anyone bc it oculd get me into trouble and im not kidding

he would hate me

but like jessica and geoffrey & the others know

Aisha: so jessy knows but now me! Please

Sasha: it’s bc jessy FREAKINF SAW IT

i gave him a handjob at like 1 am in the morning

while we were watching a movie

and when we got kinda sleepy at 4 am

someone put something in our drinks -.-

Aisha: seriously?

be honest… no one put anything in your drink, you would have passed out, what really happened? you need to make sure whoever it was wont tell a lot if people because you can get taken to court

Sasha: everyone was dizzy and acting weird and horny

we couldn’t even stand anymore

we just lay down on the street to relax

we were too tired to even think..

but the only things we had were sodas..

weird

Aisha: so what exactly happened?

Sasha: we started cuddling

and we kinda got horny again

lol

so we

uhm

did it…

but it was stupid bc it was hard to like

get horny bc

i mean

he already got a handjob before

u know to get horny again lol

Aisha: why did you do it? did he make you? who else saw?

Sasha: dunno :P

uhm

geoffrey julia charlie alessandro

i guess

Aisha: which guys went to your party?

Sasha: alessandro geoffrey anthony charlie

Aisha: did anyone bring alcohol or drugs?

u there?

dude you have to be careful… things like this get around… make sure anthony diesnt tell! u dont want to get arrester”

The conversation ended there, leaving me confused. What would Sasha get arrested for? I saw that, while I was reading the screenshots, she typed out a couple of paragraphs.

“i want to find out what exactly happened to her and makesur shes ok atleast he used a condom,” the message read. “we cant tell anyone about this obvs.

maybe we shoukd help herxthough i mean if everyone is gonna leave her then no one will be tgere to support her! jessy wont help if she was a good friend then she would help her not let it happen she claims sasha is her bbf so she should act like it!

she is supposed to be my friend and i dont want to take part in anything that will harm her. she is obvs not thinking properly. she must have some issue going on!

wow our friends… don’t you agree?

u there?”

I didn’t answer Aisha. I didn’t have much to say, frankly. She seemed so concerned about Sasha and going to court for some reason. It wasn’t like there was some kind of sex police that was going to show up anytime teenagers bellow the legal age of consent were doing it. And Sasha did tell us that she was planning on losing her virginity some time this year, so if that’s what she really wanted, what was so wrong?

And yet, I felt almost disappointed. Not with Sasha and her now non-existent virginity, but with how fast things were going. I thought back to 6th Grade and what I was doing at around this time the year before. The change was drastic. I remembered going on dates with my then boyfriend and how cute and innocent it all seemed now in comparison. We’d get crisps and sweets at the small grocery store right next to the school, climb on top of one of the slides on the playground and talk about our plans for the summer. I would tell him about Montenegro and how excited I was to see my dad and he would open up about how stressed out he was about moving to Mexico the following year. Sometimes we’d go to his place and play Rollercoaster Tycoon, laughing at out atrocious killer rides, while eating ice cream drizzled with caramel sauce. Or, if it wasn’t too windy, we’d go to the lake, order takeout pizza and skip stones. We’d never kiss or even hold hands and we didn’t talk much either. Sometimes I would put my head on his shoulder and we’d sit in silence, watching the lake and its tiny waves bounce off the shiny rocky shore. And, just a year later, my friends were drinking vodka-sodas and having sex? I wasn’t ready to grow up so fast.

Full of nostalgia and sweet childhood memories, I turned on my laptop again and went on Skype. It would be 4pm in Mexico right now. Maybe he’d be online, I thought.

“hey!” I wrote in the chat. “wanna talk? i miss you </3”

The reply was immediate.

“sure! give me a sec!”

As soon as I saw him, I noticed that he too had changed. He had a different more “adult” hairstyle, a change from the messy locks we’d all make fun of him for the year before. And, if the camera was being true to reality, his shoulders had gotten broader, making him appear a lot bulkier than I had remembered.

“Hey,” he said.

“Vlad…? Your voice OMG!” I gasped. He sounded so different.

“Yeah,” Vlad laughed. “So… How’s everything?”

“Oh my god you’ll never guess who I’m friends with now,” I began. I had so much to tell him.

“What, you’re not friends with Masha anymore?” he asked.

“Masha left too, remember? I hang out with Aisha now.”

“No way! Aisha?” Vlad chuckled, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “Why?”

“She’s not that bad, you know,” I assured him. “She’s changed a lot. And she wants to get into Cambridge now.”

“Wow I do not believe you!” Vlad continued laughing. “What do you guys even do together?”

I paused, thinking whether I should tell him the truth or not.

“We watch porn together,” I said. Vlad wouldn’t judge, I thought.

“No way!” he exclaimed. “That’s actually insane. Shit, I didn’t know you watched porn Jacky! That’s so cool!”

“Yeah, everyone does, no?” I shrugged.

“Yeah, but most girls, you know…,” he mumbled. “Wow, I’ve never met a girl who admits to watching porn. That’s so dope. What kind do you watch?”

The conversation was getting weird. I wanted to talk about the good old days and forget the adult world for a bit, but everything once again became about sex.

“Oh, you know, the good stuff,” I said, smirking, hoping the conversation topic would change.

“Like hardcore?” Vlad asked. “Most girls say it’s so degrading, it’s crazy you actually like that stuff! Shit I’m impressed!”

“Yeah, but what’s the fun in porn, if it’s not degrading, am I right?” I said, thinking back to what I heard the boys in my class say. And I had seen violent porn before, so I wasn’t completely lying about watching it. “Remember when we used to go to the lake together?” I asked, hoping to turn the conversation my way.

“Yeah, that was so much fun!” said Vlad. “By the way, I wanted to ask, we’re not really like a thing anymore, right?”

“Oh no!” I said. “I mean you’re all the way across the ocean. And we weren’t like dating-dating before anyway.”

“Okay cool,” said Vlad.

“What, do you fancy anyone? I wanna hear the gossip!” I asked.

“Not in particular, I’m just thinking maybe I should find a girl,” he said thoughtfully.

“Do you have a type?”

“Uhmm,” Vlad sighed, looking into the distance. “Well, she gotta be kinky. Like into all that kind of stuff, you know. Like you.”

Me? Kinky? The comment was flattering, but I felt defeated. If that was what was considered cool, I’d have to do it, just like blowjobs and shaving; it was another one of those inevitable things I would have to deal with if I ever wanted to have sex, I thought. So “kinky”? That would be a label I’d have to accept.

“She’s gotta have nice feet too,” Vlad said.

“What? Why feet?” I asked confused.

“I don’t know,” Vlad raised his eyebrows. “I mean I don’t have a foot fetish or anything, I just wouldn’t date a girl with ugly feet. It’s like a big deal for me.”

“Okay, that’s interesting,” I said. Something felt wrong. “Listen, it’s a bit late here, I have to go to bed soon,” I said.

“Okay well it was great talking to you,” smiled Vlad, “even though it was a bit short.”

“Yeah sorry,” I said. “Next time we can talk for longer. I can call when it’s daytime here and morning in Mexico if you want.”

“The weekend for sure!” suggested Vlad and waved. “Bye!”

“Bye!” I waved back. “I miss you!”

When I hung up, I wanted to cry.

[pumpkinpaix]

*waves* Hi! New(ish) follower, I followed for your posts about translation which are beautiful (especially the one about the imagery of "Zewu-jun") and thought-provoking; I don't have a good segue so here are some Salty Asks I'd like to know your answers to concerning MDZS: 5, 9, 10, 12, 23

oh, that’s so sweet of you!! thank you I’m really happy you enjoyed them 💛

okay salt incoming let’s see--all opinions are my own, no one has to agree with me, etc! and in true cyan fashion, this ask meme response actually needs a readmore  l m a o

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

fandom has not ruined any ships in mdzs for me, but it has made me way more critical of both wangxian and xicheng interpretations. not in the sense that like, I think they are bad! i love wangxian and xicheng, but I have very very specific feelings about them that I rarely see reflected in popular fandom interpretations. (because i am a picky bitch lol) 

wangxian tends to get the “they did no wrong and their love is righteous” treatment which I find disingenuous and believe directly contradicts the point of mdzs. i think that wangxian is fundamentally a very selfish relationship, and that that is, in fact, a good thing. i love that about them. i care so much about the assertion that your desires do not have to be perfect and righteous to still matter and be worthwhile. i don’t understand the impulse to make wangxian into a pure ship that triumphs and “deserves” a happy ending because they were right all along. I always felt like the entire point of mdzs was that--you can be the most terrible person, you can do unspeakable harm, and still be loved and deserving of that love. i think wangxian is compelling and moving specifically for that reason, and I often have to back out of interpretations that don’t acknowledge it in the way that i want them to. a lot of interpretations tend to idealize wwx and lwj in ways that I disagree with, and I’ve seen a lot of vitriolic pushback over anything that’s seen as even vaguely critical of either of them, when the point isn’t that “wwx/lwj is a bad person because he is selfish” the point is that “wwx/lwj’s choices are selfishly motivated” -- that’s not meant to be a value judgment, at least for me.

(i understand that a lot of this has to do with CQL’s influence, in which wangxian IS narratively rewarded for their righteousness, but as I’ve discussed at length, I think that positioning undermines what makes mdzs so powerful to me in the first place. not that i don’t love CQL!! i do love CQL--they have made a beautiful thing within the constraints that they had. but I think the novel is much stronger thematically.)

as for xicheng: i think that their relationship could be extraordinarily interesting if done in specific ways--I do not think they are well-suited to each other at any point in the canon timeline, but that they could be something really good maybe 10 years post-canon. I used to really like the idea of xicheng romantically, but as time goes on, I’m leaning harder into friendship. I think they have a lot of uniquely shared life experiences, and that it would be really good for both of them to have a person that they knew understood those experiences intimately: the pressures of leading a sect before adulthood, the grief of losing your family in a massacre and being unable to save them, the betrayal of someone who was once so close to you--that’s a lot. and i think there are very few people in their generation who could truly understand that. (for this reason, I also think lxc and xxc would be a very interesting relationship to see many many years post-canon, if xxc were ever revived) but during canon? no, absolutely not. i don’t think lxc has the slightest interest in jc, and i don’t think jc is particularly moved by lxc either, beyond a distant “yeah i mean, he’s the first jade everyone loves him sure moving on” kind of way. they both have their own shit to deal with, and before lxc’s seclusion and also before the core reveal, i think jc is too angry and vicious for lxc and lxc is too soft and toothless for jc. for someone to really convince me on xicheng, jc has to move towards some kind of self-forgiveness and peace and lxc has to move towards self-assertion. then I think they can meet somewhere in the middle of all that.

and like, it’s not that i won’t read silly fluffy aus or like canonverse stuff with them in a ship, but i admit that because it’s grown so popular but not at all in the ways that i personally want, I’m frustrated with and have retreated from reading it. unless it’s done in the specific way i like, it has too much of a pair the spares vibe for me to get behind it anymore.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

jin guangshan, obvious reasons, next

ok well, i guess to elaborate even slightly: jin guangshan, to me, is the embodiment of the systems within mdzs that cause tragedy. he and chang ci’an are similar in that respect? like, the callousness with which they treat people they consider beneath them. what is nothing to them is ruinous for another, but why should they care? but jgs really had every advantage handed to him and chose to use that advantage to hurt others in really insidious ways and i can’t forgive that. jin zixun is also on this list, but like, still ahead of jgs bc he’s younger. -_- i suppose in that respect, i also very much dislike chang ci’an, but that’s a bit harder to quantify, given that we know almost nothing about him.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

huh. uhhhh. i think i actually really like all of them? in the novel anyways. if we’re talking CQL, yin iron plot ugh.

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I think for similar reasons to 10, not really! I don’t see a lot of hate for any specific plot arc. Oh, maybe the incense burners? I completely unironically love those. people rag a lot on mxtx’s smut, but it’s very important to me for a number of like, personal mental health reasons lol.

23. Unpopular character you love?

xue yang! i think xue yang’s character raises a very interesting point about equivalent justice that kinda gets swept away in all the uhhhh murder. and it’s a point that has really big thematic repercussions, I think? but the way it’s worded makes it very easy to dismiss.

very briefly: xue yang is right when he says that 50 lives cannot pay back his finger, because there is nothing that can pay back that finger. no vengeance or sentence visited upon chang ci’an will ever be equal to the injustice that he visited upon xue yang. i think there’s a bit of naivety in the way xxc says “why didn’t you cut off his finger then? or his whole arm, if that wasn’t enough?” and the answer I think is very obvious--xy cutting off cca’s finger would not in any way be the same kind of trauma that xy losing his finger was, esp if chang ci’an knew who xue yang was. there would be an understanding in that: i am losing my finger because this man blames me for the loss of his finger. but to xue yang, a 7 year old? the pain he experienced was completely senseless and cruel and terrifying.

does that mean xue yang was justified? no jesus christ, but i do think it ties very neatly into the general themes of what it means to get vengeance, what it means to get justice, and how cycles of trauma eventually end. so i love him for that.

on a lesser note, but a similar one: i rather like su she, I think. there is something about like, jgy’s “all i had to do was remember his name and he was willing to die for me” that gets to me. there’s a huge tragedy in that somewhere.

wow i have no idea if any of that was coherent im very sleepy

salt asks

[inkdemonapologist]

In the audio logs, it felt weird to me that Sammy is creative and diverse in just about everything, except for the few phrases (most notably "sheep" related ones) that he wildly overuses. Did that feel weird to you? Am I reading too much into this? Is this a sign of the abuse and cultic mentality (mantras in lieu of thoughts) or just Sammy being better at music than insults?

Ohhhhhh "mantras in lieu of thoughts" is a REALLY neat take, I could definitely see that for like, "he will set us free" and similar. BUT GOLLY the weird sheep obsession has been a THORN IN MY SIDE in trying to make sense of this man and the canon sure hasn't made any effort to illuminate where this came from so here's...... a possibility Ive been thinking about lately!

- we know from the employee's handbook that he used "sheep" as an insult when he was human

- but in prophet mode it doesn't seem to be an insult? It's not a compliment, it's sort of condescending, but he uses it in a pseudo-soothing way. Less "you idiot" vibes more "now settle down little one this is for the best"

- him calling Henry a sheep makes sense to me actually. He doesn't have a name for this guy, so he just immediately assigns a fitting noun for someone he sees as lost and also about to be sacrificed and uses that (This is maybe just a thing he does; see also: Art Department).

- his use of the sleepy sheep poem in Chapter 5 is interesting since he says it sort of sarcastically, like, he's intentionally making an ironic callback to his freakin catchphrase. ITS WEIRD b/c it like feels like Sammy's making a Bendy reference.

So, okay, the sleepy sheep poem is probably not for Sammy himself, it’s usually used for other people, something between soothing and warning as he does his Prophet Duties. Maybe everyone else already picked up on this (or maybe im comin out of left field here), but I had a WHOLE REVELATION about the one right after his Ch 2 monologue -- he does his "time for sleep" thing and then immediately starts screaming into the PA system about summoning Bendy, which seemed like a hilarious juxtaposition until I suddenly remembered that ink creatures can die when the Ink Demon spawns near them. For Sammy to warn them, essentially, to hide & go dormant or risk death before he calls on the ink demon....... makes a lot of sense???? HES ACTUALLY KINDA LOOKING OUT FOR HIS FLOCK????

He's also muttering this as he walks the halls, and I've pondered for a while the idea that he might use his position as Ink Demon's Prophet to maintain some safety and authority in this place -- if he claims to have the Ink Demon's favour, after all, then he is best respected and feared. I'm delighted that BatDS implies Sammy was actually quite vulnerable in the Studio and literally none of the powerful ink creatures respect him, because I see a lot of his trappings -- the little sheep chant, the mask -- as perhaps being things meant to set him apart from the Lost Ones and make him important and unsettling, someone the lost ones and searchers will respect and not attack and maybe even defend (especially when you consider how freaked out he seems to be when you knock his mask off). You hear his sing-song chant and you see Bendy's visage and you know that's the prophet, acting in service to the demon, and you don't get in his way; you keep your distance.

Worth noting that when Henry doesn't respond the way Sammy would expect his flock to -- instead running after him and calling out to him -- Sammy immediately flees, hiding out of reach and staying silent, no longer calling attention to his presence until he feels he has the upper hand again.

With the way he's seized on this specific rhyme and even makes a sarcastic reference to it, my current best guess/headcanon is that this was either lyrics somewhere in Sheep Songs, or is a bastardisation of a song or line from Sheep Songs, so the reason why it feels like Sammy's making a reference is that he literally is, taking a line from the cartoon he worships and turning it into a ritual that basically signifies "back off and let me do my thing and you may be spared."

Hard to say whether he picked this because he already used "sheep" in his former life as a condescending shorthand for the sort of people most likely to end up as Lost Ones and it just got out of hand, or if he picked up the whole sleepy sheep poem from the cartoon and then started referring to his followers as sheep because of it. I have a Convoluted Personal Headcanon that the song's lyrics were originally meant to tease Sammy Lawrence, if Jack thought this guy unironically calling him a sheep was awfully funny, and saw an opportunity to poke a little fun at his friend in the lyrics of a cartoon that was about both sheep and music, and so Sammy's attached to the song for reasons he no longer remembers... but there's not any actual evidence of that I just think it's a fun thought.

[secret-engima]

y'know, in Demons verse, Regis being his wife - who isn't named as Aulea but im /assuming/ - and his daughter Nocturne to meet Night King Noctis. What's that like from Aulea/the wife's POV, after all the everything? all the drama and that?

Oooooo yes his wife is Aulea in this verse but I didn’t consider-.

Hmmm.

Yes he does take her and his daughter to meet the Night King.

It’s an ... experience.

...

Aulea has known for a long time about Regis’s connection to the Night King. They were childhood friends and sweethearts in the court before Regis disappeared with his Retinue into the dark kingdom. Then after Mors and the Invasion Turned Aside he was ... gone. For years. She heard nothing until five years after his kidnapping (willing kidnapping) when a letter arrives in her chambers with no sign of messenger or courier bird. Aulea is understandably paranoid.

The letter is from Regis. Politely (shyly) asking if he can write to her because ... his father isn’t responding.

She writes back against her better judgement.

It’s the start of a long distance relationship that leads to marriage as soon as Regis returns. Through his letters she gets a look into his mind, and into the night kingdom, so when their daughter is old enough to travel and Regis says he wants to introduce them to the Accursed ... she is not as terrified as her servants who hear and beg her in private to say no. She has heard Regis’s stories of the Night Kingdom for years, she has seen her husband come back calm and steady and clear-eyed, wise beyond his age because of what he has learned watching and aiding the Night King rule his kingdom. They have an alliance with the Night Kingdom. There is nothing to fear.

That doesn’t mean she isn’t nervous though. It is a ... strange place and the clouds above it are so very ominous. The creatures that greet them at the border are courteous but strange (and terrifying looking in more than one case, but Aulea refuses to start an incident by reacting to her fear). Regis greets them with familiarity, some he even introduces as friends (who she knows by name from the letters, but seeing a towering Ronin who served as her husband’s sparring partner for a time and hearing about him are .. two different things).

The people are the strangest. Pale from the weak sun but not unhealthy, chattering easily in both Common, a foreign rolling tongue she cannot place, and the screeching of the daemons they live with. The children ride on the backs of Arachne and clamber over the dozing iron giants, the adults haggle with the goblin traders or call enthusiastic welcomes to Regis as they pass. Regis greets them with far less kingly dignity and more the calm warmth of a returning friend.

Then they reach the Citadel. The home of the Accursed, the ruler of the Night, and Aulea feels her heart pound despite the reassuring hand her husband has on her back, his other arm holding their daughter (why did they bring her here why oh why oh why). They are escorted to the throne room, a towering, shadowed thing with eerie blue flames on the walls to light the way and a large stone throne cushioned with red velvet. A young man sits there, younger than he should be (but what is aging to an immortal anyway), half sprawled on the throne, listening to a daemon murmur some report before he spots them enter.

Blue eyes hone in on them and Aulea forces her chin to stay up and her breathing to stay steady as magic, heavy and curious and powerful like a lazy behemoth rolls over them in silent question.

In Regis’s grip, their daughter coos and stirs.

The Night King’s eyes snap to Regis, then down to the child and he sits up, eyes focused as a predator and Aulea longs for the knife in her dress even though she knows it will not help, not with the Accursed and his Retinue of rogues (a rogue Amicitia, a blond with a smile like the sun and weapons that crack like thunder, a blind chef who can spot you from a hundred yards away). A flick of the Accursed’s hand and the daemon bows and leaves, leaving just the king on his throne and the Retinue who cluster at its base as Regis approaches without fear.

“Noctis” Regis says without a hint of formality, “may I introduce my wife, Aulea, and my daughter ... Nocturne.”

The Night King doesn’t move. He looks like he’s been carved form ivory stone, only the glow of suppressed magic in his eyes to tell he is a living thing. He doesn't even seem to be breathing (do Immortals need to breathe? Or are they more like corpses that do not rot and are not confined to coffins?)

Then, as quickly as he’d frozen, he is moving. Down from his throne, down the steps to stand on equal ground with Regis, staring down at her daughter with an expression Aulea cannot read and does not trust.

She sucks in a breath despite herself when the Night King reaches out and rests a hand on her daughter’s head, but Regis is smiling, pure trust in his eyes, and the hand is gentle on her daughter’s head. Nocturne, sleepy from the journey, nuzzles trustingly into the hand of the man who rules daemon kind.

And then- without warning or sound-

The Night King is crying.

Soft, silent tears that trickle down his cheeks as his magic coils around them in great, possessive folds, thrumming against her bones like a shield made of the softest furs. His eyes flicker, caught between the deep blue of all Lucis Caelums and a bloody, wild red.

Regis unhesitatingly passes Nocturne over to the Night King, who cradles her like she’s made of spun glass and will shatter if he breathes wrong, the same expression of reverent awe that was on her husband’s face when he first held his daughter.

And Aulea’s fear goes away.

There is no monster here.

There is only the very tired, broken man who is older than he appears, the loyal friend of her husband who never wanted violence and only wished for his people, strange as they were, to be happy.

Aulea steps away from her husband’s bracing hand and curtseys to the king, low enough to be respectful, not low enough to be submissive, and smiles, “Thank you, for caring for my husband all those years, Your Majesty.”

The Night King blinks at her past his tears, swallowing and shifty like a shy teen rather than an ancient being and beloved king of daemons, ducks his head to gently nuzzle Nocturne’s hair as he whispers, “It was an honor. He is a wonderful man.”

Aulea feels something in her heart twist, gentle and fond and sad on his behalf even as his Retinue crowd close to coo over the child in their midst and whisper questions to Regis. It’s strange. She has known him for less than ten minutes, but those minutes are all she needs to know that everything King Mors court said about this man was wrong and everything in her husband’s letters was right.

This visit will go just fine.

[smolpunkblog]

2020/feb/23

I was planning on going my second date with C, instead of dreading the experience, I was shaking with excitement. 

I’ve never felt so excited to see somebody before, and I didn't feel a shred of doubt or anxiety. He was coming around 3, because he had prior commitments. I spent the morning doing my regular chores, before dollin up myself. 

when 3 rolled around, I told him to park into my houses driveway, because my folks weren't home. Currently I want to keep me seeing him a secret- I dont want my parents being unreasonably strict about me being over at a boys house. He came into my house, and funny enough, he spent the next 5 minutes wooing over my dog.

After that, he went to the washroom before finally greeting me with a big grin and bear hug. We both left shortly after, heading to a nearby harbour, we both never have heard or been to it before. We talked a lot or just listened to his Spotify playlist on shuffle. Once we’ve arrived, a lot of the establishment was being forced under construction. 

It wasn't too cold today, but it was windy. Thankfully this time I remembered to bring a pair of gloves. We walked around the deserted harbour and condos in circles while holding hands. Our plan was to go through some trails, but we couldn't find them in sight. We eventually decided to give up and use my phone for clues, while I had my phone pulled out and I leaned to look, he leaned against me, letting our foreheads kiss. 

We eventually found the trail hidden near the entrance, we spent the next couple of hours walking along the trails. Looking back at it, a lot of our conversations dragged along, or we sat in moments of silence. I didn't hate any of it, it just felt like lovely moments enjoying the brisk trail. We eventually realized we were practically lost, the signs never ended up linking to each other, so we eventually cheated out of the forest, running down the hill onto the street. Once we got back into his car, we were starving.

We headed to his favourite burger place, which was ironic considering last date we had burgers too. There I froze with anxiety at ordering, and decided to copy him, he paid. As we ate, it was some awkward silence, sometimes moments like this make me want to beat myself up. I hate it when I cant think of anything. After we ate we sat in his car.

He looked at me with panic, and confessed that he just received a message from a friend that their roommate came positive. And the he was in recent contact with them (not the positive roommate). I could tell he was panicking, but in all honesty, I didn't feel a shred of fear. He described to me how he wasn't in contact with their roommate, and his friends haven't been in contact either. I asked him what he wanted to do, did he want me to go home better, which he replied to no, he wanted me to come over to his. We ended up having a long, reassuring hug. (im sorry if you read this and get upset, you are valid in your anger. It was a selfish decision)

We ended up at his house, I wasn't sure what I was expecting it to be, but the reality settled that im at his house. It also feels weird going into someones house for the first time. He looked at me, and told me that if we go to the front ill be forced to confront his parents- I said that was okay. Usually im not up for meeting new people, but I really wanted to push myself. I went to the front and surely enough his mom was right there. She was pretty. I immediately say hello, and thank her for having me over, he is quick to introduce me. His dad comes in the room shortly, scurring down to the basement (C room) to grab laundry. The family cat follows behind, enticing both me and C into awes. 

After the awkward hellos, I head down into the basement with C. I end up sitting with C at the dining table in the corner of the room. There he leans on me as I look through his Pokemon card collection he laid out for me. He slowly wrapped both of his arms around my arm, it didn't feel too comfortable. I slowly nudged his arm, and guided it to my hips, 

he softly whispers ‘oooh? is this allowed’

I nodded in embarrassment, and then his grasp became more firm.

After looking through his card collection, we both end up behind his couch looking at his bookshelf. He was retelling the books that he's read, while wrapping both arms around me. We ended up shuffling to see his movie collections, this time one of my arms wrapped around his neck. 

After the long time of his rambling (good rambling, im just too nervous to talk). We end up sitting on his bed, the room was open concept so everything was near each other. There he had a pile of clean laundry, we end up folding it together (sock duty). After that, we slowly end up cuddling on his bed, ive never cuddled with someone before. It was very comforting, sweet, and made me incredibly sleepy. A bit awkward because I didn't know what to do with my hands.

After I shifted over to him, because I knew id pass out

he softly wooed ‘ooooh you're turning to me huh?’

I nodded, and we ended up hugging, before he whispered 

‘can I finally kiss you?’

I said yes, and we kiss. I thought it'd be a lot more soft, but he was more passionate than that. Ive never kissed someone seriously before, it was always half asses or just uncomfortable, so these types of kisses were new to me. It felt wet, deep, and fast. I tried my best keeping up with his motions. At one point his hand touches my ass before he asks 

‘am I allowed to touch your butt?’

I said yes, and he eventually continued to fondle my butt lightly. We break from kissing to staring into eachothers eyes, I cant keep the eye contact for long before breaking in embarrassment. I laugh and he hugs my closely, kissing my cheek lightly. 

I keep shuffling around, readjusting my body, in the process his hand sneaks its way under my shirt. 

He quickly yanked his hand away after touching the skin of my back, ‘am I allowed to touch you under your shirt?’

‘No, that's too far’ I said quietly, he nodded and apologized. I wasn't upset with him, because the moment I felt his hand on my skin, I wanted to do more than innocently kissing. 

And that's a bit too intense for a virgin on her second ever date. 

I lean down to him and we get back to kissing, in the moment while trying to grab my waist his hand lands on my boob, 

he yanked it away before apologizing and asking if it was okay (I know he's sly and sneaky)

I said it was okay, after all it was over my bra and shirt. 

He eventually is ontop of me, our legs are intertwined, he has one of his hands glued to my ass. The other is groping my boob while he kisses and stares at me. During this I feel my legs twitching in excitement, and my hips shaking in desperation. He even giggled, and I probed him on it in the moment

he confessed with a bit of a sharp breath, ‘your tits looked amazing on our last date’ 

I was getting pretty turned on. and realizing this, I told him to stop touching my boob. He looked pretty concerned, before I admitted

‘when you touch my boob like that, its really turning me on’ 

He ended up having a shit eating grin, before kissing my cheek all over. I ended up ontop now, leaning down and kissing him lightly before whispering, ‘lets go watch anime now’.

When I got up, I went to the washroom. Lets just say- when I wipped, the toilet paper came out drenched. 

We soon after sat and cuddled while we watched an anime episode, he did end up reciting the turned on thing. I nudged him for that.

I had to head home soon after, because going back at 10 was a bit too much for my mom, even if I did tell her it was my friends. On the drive back it was quiet but peaceful.

He parked a bit away from my house, and we hugged a lot. We planned on meeting each other again after he gets his test results back. 

We then kisses a couple times more before I headed back home. 

I then spent the rest of the night fan grilling to my friends. 

[anxiously-awaiting]

@brian-david-spillbert I owe u my life for showing interest

also i tried to make them look less same-facey and im actually really liking it tbh

more hcs but with Other Stuff under the cut!

None of them are neurotypical. none of them.

They all have Autism and ADHD, with Lalna also having bipolar bc hey, im already projecting, why not a little more. 

Lalna’s headphones are noise cancelling because he has sensitive hearing, they help him lots when he’s having meltdowns. 

Lalnable is photophobic, or has light sensitivity. He tends to get migraines from sunlight and other bright lights, and the specific tint in his glasses help block out certain wavelengths of light to make it easier on him.

Stimming And Infodumping Is Allowed And Encouraged. 

Lalnable has lots of stim jewelry, mostly rings and bracelets.

Lalna has a chewy necklace, though he doesn’t usually wear it. It’s shaped like a flask!

Five has a collection of those cute squishy animals 

Nano and Lalna are more uh physical stimmers i suppose? They do happy flappies and tap and bounce around and stuff. 

Lalnable avoids eye contact almost entirely, and being forced to make eye contact makes him panicky, especially considering his upbringing. 

Five has echolalia, or will repeat words, both stuff she says or stuff others say. 

Five and Lalnable also vocally stim, Lalnable makes ticking sounds which becomes painfully ironic when he gets his miraculous.

Lalna HATES having tight things around his neck, hence his collar on his supersuit being unzipped slightly. 

Lalnable tends to scratch at himself when he’s having a panic attack or meltdown, and Lalna tends to help him calm down and hold his hands so he doesn’t hurt himself.

yes, thats where his scars come from

Lalnable and Nano have bad fears of the dark

Lalna is very physically affectionate to the other three! 

Five tends to steal the boys’ jackets and hoodies because they’re big on her and Very Comfy

Five toe walks!!! 

They all work at a bakery that Nano owns!! If you ask her, she’ll say its “family run”

Lalnable owns a motorcycle, and he’s actually modified it to be quieter

Nano helps paint the others nails, and she and Lalnable use that time to vent about shitty customers

Lalnable tends to get really bad intrusive thoughts, and he’s not very vocal about it, but it tends to affect his self-confidence a lot and make him feel like a shitty person. Lalna can usually tell when they get bad and he does what he can to help distract him and subtly remind him just because he has Bad Thoughts doesn’t mean he’s a Bad Person

Lalna genuanly HATES brushing his hair, he’s not sure why, its just Bad Feeling

Lalnable tends to get really sleepy when its cold, so when he’s stayed up for three days with no sleep, the others will convince him to watch a movie with them and they’ll sneakily turn the thermostat down and he’s passed tf out in 30 minutes or less. 

[leemaht]

hihihi!! can i request a matchup please? thanks in advance. im 157 cm and genderfluid, my preferred pronouns are they/she btw!! i’m a bit laid-back and always sleepy for some reason, however, if i see any injustice of some sort or something that doesn’t quite sit right with me, i will not hesitate to speak up. i’m a sagittarius, intp, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw. i have poor eyesight so that means i have to wear glasses almost most of the time. i practice wicca and im a tech freak. (1/?)

i’m a HUGE foodie!!! i will go out of my way just to eat anything that seems delicious. i’m not big on exercise or sports, i’m a huge sloth tbh. i’m very lazy and i’m often late. my music taste is mainly hyperpop, which is ironic, knowing how much of couch potato i am. i’m fond of editing and i love to color in coloring books. i’m not good with words, which often lands me in hot water when i speak up about my own opinions. i have this secret craving to be treated and cuddled like a baby. (2/?)

since i come from a rough childhood, you can guess i’m very touch-starved, and i’m also a little spoon. people tell me that i come off as intimidating and scary due to my resting face, apparently i look “scary” with my resting face :< but in reality i’m just a huge baby who breathes pink and loves ANYTHING that has pink or sanrio related. i’m also a filipino, did i mention?? i tend to swear a lot in my native language, and english too. i’m shy and don’t talk a lot around people. (3/?)

however, when around people i know, i tend to become very loud and swear a lot. despite the fact i’m not big on sports, i have a decent understanding about basketball and badminton. people often tell me that they didn’t expect such a short girl to be into those types of sports lolol. i love the game ace attorney!! i love it so much~ i love any games that have to do with finding justice and truth, scratch that, i love ALL GAMES!!!! i’m sleepy all the time, but for some reason (5/?)

i can’t sleep at night!! but at day i sleep like a baby,, anyways, i’m pretty sarcastic and i tend to snap a lot of witty remarks most of the time. my sexuality is queer btw!! thanks for doing my matchup, hope this wasn’t too much or too little! <3

dude that's so long🙃 hey! i know you said genderfluid and you said that you were queer, so i didn't really know what to make of it! sorry! i now matched you up with a guy. if that's not ok for you, don't hesitate to resend the request and I'll redo it!!!! also part 4 kinda got lost🙃🙏🏻

====================

i matched you up with:

miya osamu

====================

he really couldn't care less about your gender or pronouns. what matters most to him is you and your personality, which aligns perfectly with his by the way. he had always been the quieter type, considered laid-back, but around the right people loud and willing to say anything that comes to mind.

he'd cook for you, not only on your request but also randomly. you'll have to be the guinea pig for me recipes he comes up with.

he might not seem like it at first but he is one of the most touchy and affectionate people there is, always randomly hugging you from behind our if you were laying together he'd always pull you in his embrace.

whenever he went to tournaments (only when you didn't come with) he'd get you little trinkets, to show you that he was thinking of you. (if he found sanrio ones you can bet on it they are sold out later)

====================

other possible matches:

ushijima wakatoshi

kageyama tobio

suna rintarou

====================

[seeyacowboy]

COFFEE TABLE JAZZ.

Shinso Hitoshi x reader

The coffee table jazz playlist on Spotify was a huge influence while writing this and if you like instrumental jazz I strongly suggest reading this with the smooth background noise. It’s been nice to write while taking a break from my fic “blood of a todoroki”. Warning: fluff.

Watching the window get covered in a light rain you let out a relaxed sigh. Lovely instrumental jazz was filling the coffee shop in Paris. You were on vacation by yourself which you had never done before, but you had just broken off a relationship a couple months prior and wanted to work on yourself. What better way than to fly across the ocean to go to the city of love. It was almost ironic. You take your coffee cup up to your lips and lightly blow on it trying your best to cool it down, inhaling the bean juice smell before ever heavy exhale. You look down to see yourself in the reflection. Giving yourself a little chuckle and making your lipstick looks okay before taking a sip. Once you are done you get up returning your plate and mug, then existing. The rain is light and thankfully you wore a nice hipster looking hat. Digging your hands into the pockets of your black jeans you start making your way down the street with no direction. You were just happy to be there.

You were able to go into a couple museums and see some land marks. You were over by the Eiffel tower trying to hail a cab but nothing seemed to work. No one wanted to stop. “Mind if I help you?” You hear a deep voice from behind. As you turn around you were bewildered. A gorgeous man with purple hair and sleepy eyes staring at you with a small smile on his face. “Yes, please. I don’t think I came to France to be stuck on this side walk all day.” You jokes both chuckling. A cab pulled over and the gentleman went over and opened the door for you. Before you got it you stopped and looked up at him. You just couldn’t help this feeling that you needed to know him. You’ve never felt anything like it in your whole life. “Leaving me so soon stranger?”You batted your eyes at him.“Well, how bold of you. Where are you headed?” He didn’t even blink as if trying to read your mind. “I’m just down north 10 minutes. My air bnb is the one with the flowers on the balcony you can’t miss it.” “You sure can’t I get coffee across the street.” “Oh, do you? Well in that cause how would you like to get a cup now?” You said with a sweet smile biting your bottom lip gently.“Are you two gonna get in the car or what?” Said the Parisian cab driver in French. You couldn’t help but look back at the young man and he smiled nodding his head to the side for you to get in knowing he would follow. “(Address of Airbnb) , please.” And the driver just nods. “So stranger” you look over at him. “What brings you to the city of love?”“Well, dear, I am here for work.” “Work ah? Well that’s no fun. Have you been able to see the sights?” The purpled hair man thought for a moment before looking at you with a response “yeah.. I’ve seen some beautiful sights.” You immediately blushed as the cab stopped. The stranger-gentleman opened the door and you both made your way out walking side by side into the coffee shop. Sitting down a cross from each other staying silent for a moment. “What’s your name, dear?” His face was soft yet blank. “(Y/n),(l/n) and you, stranger?”

“Hitoshi shinso”

“That’s a lovely name.”

“Thank you I got it for my birthday.”

You laugh. “Oh Hitoshi’s got jokes I see”

“ A few sometimes. So what brings you to France?”

“Well it’s love, but self love. I just got out of a relationship a couple months ago and I actually took it very hard. I’ve been traveling ever since. I’m not running from anything though. I’ve always wanted to experience different cultures. America is beautiful but it’s nothing like Europe or Japan. Which is actually where I’m headed in a couple days. I’m going to see if I can get a job working with a hero agency.”

“You just got up and left your whole life in America to work in Japan? Don’t get me wrong that’s very brave but why not just find one in the US?” Shinso’s eyebrows knitted together.

“Well hero’s in the states aren’t like hero’s over in Japan. They let the police handle a lot of the crimes and mostly do the publicity stuff. There’s a lot of things wrong over there right now and they don’t even have schooling for hero’s. If you have a combat quirk you might as well join the military and if not you’re pretty much considered normal.”

“So what does that make you?” He leaned closer and said a little low.

“Normal in the states terms. Im able to touch someone and see their past. It’s not very convenient but it helps me stay under cover being that it’s very subtle.”

“You must be such an empath.” He chuckled.

He had that right. So right it was your hero name. “ let me see your hand, please.”

“Not yet.” You leaned back in your chair and smirked.

After about four hours of talking, flirting and a lot of coffee, shinso walked you back to your air bnb across the street. It was pouring rain outside at this point ,but luckily the breeze-way was warm. After you hung your coat up you offered for Hito’ to come inside and have a glass of wine, but he kindly denied saying he had to get back to work shortly. You didn’t even realize a pout grew on your face until his hand was under your chin and his face was coming closer to yours. Letting each other’s lips lightly touch before he pulled away to look at you. You were breathless and he barely kissed you yet. Hitoshi smiled before going back in for another kiss. The longer he stayed there his memories started to flood in your brain. The bullying. The entry exams. The practice of his mind control quirk. Everything he’s ever lived through. Each moment made the kiss deeper. The bullying memories made you kiss him harder pulling him closer as if there was any more room. He had you up against the wall closest to the door. He knew passers by could see you on the other side of the glass. Neither of you cared. All you were focused on was the taste of each other. Your leg was wrapped around his waist and your hands pulling at each side of the collar of his white dress shirt. His hands went slowly up and down from your hips to your sides; at some points gently putting your hands around your neck just under your jaw to get you as close as possible. The kissing started to slow down until they were tiny pecks. “You sure you don’t want to come inside?” Mumbling out of your mouth between each smooch.

Shinso gave you one last kiss before resting his forehead on yours and closing his eyes. He looked like he was really restraining himself from saying yes. “If I do that I’ll be job searching with you by the time you get to Japan. What day do you go back?”

You rub the tip of your nose on his and whisper “3 days from now”

“Perfect- so do I. You know, (y/n) I’ve never met anyone like you. You simply take my breath away. Where have you been all my life?”

“Fixing myself for this moment.” You smiled.