#irl stuff nothing online dw

[blitz0hno]

tfwhen you pick the dialogue option with Consequences that you don't know abt until like 2 days later

[ravemetrotron]

TW long vent

OMFG my parents can’t pull their divorce shit together when we’re MID CRISIS and trying to gtfo and now my dads telling me we’re completely fucked and won’t be safe no matter where we go because Canada can’t take 2/7 of us and we’d be in poverty for the rest of our lives because of this fucking house we can’t sell.

On top of that dad has a ‘we’re hopeless sorry guys’ attitude and I have two different sides of what happens during those conversations so I don’t know who to believe because they’re throwing shade and shit at each other constantly DO I NEED TO START MONITORING THINGS LIKE A PRESCHOOL TEACHER?! I know I’m technically an adult now but I didn’t mean that meant I have to parent my parents who both are biased and hate each other and want me to make a decision on who to stay with and who to believe, I DON’T BELIEVE ANY OF THEM ANYMORE!

On top of that days are a blur and the only thing I look forward to is sleep. I’d be in bed all day if I didn’t have to PARENT MY SIBLINGS AS WELL, since two parents go to work and one works night shift and sleeps till 2 pm

As you can imagine the little ones are JUST AS STRESSED so they act out and I deal with it and my sister is a bully to them both and won’t FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

It was like this before too but not this bad, I hope Trump fucking kills himself for causing this mess for me and for everyone because GOD knows so many other kids my age have it so much worse right now and here I am crying on tumblr.

It’s ok that my whole family needs mommy-ing though because my dad works very hard to pay our bills though 😀 I need to be thankful and NEVER call him a manchild for not being able to get his shit with my other dad under control or he’ll ground me from absolutely everything and threaten to send me to military school, believe me I know cause that’s what happened to my sister! You’d think he couldn’t cause I’m 18 but because of how isolated my life is I can’t exactly leave here and stay at a friends, his house his rules. Dad never apologized though, did he? He made it out about my other dad and how he’s a manipulative mastermind who’s ruining things on purpose. My sister never forgave him and frankly neither did I.

There’s nowhere to get away from this all I can do is vent here can’t run away can’t drive don’t know anyone in this area because my parents insisted home school all my friends are online and ive strictly ONLY had online friends since I was 12 so that’s 6 years of emotional isolation so it’s not like I have. Support system or anyone to listen to me talk abt this stuff IRL.

DW I won’t do anything drastic there’s nothing I CAN do

[codeform]

lol then i would recommend the “talking to irl queer ppl” route — its the easiest way to get one-on-one support without being colored by Internet Brainrot and a lot of the weird infighting you will absolutely find online. googling “trans groups [city]” and variations will generally connect you to local events pages/support group sites — GO TO YOUR LOCAL PRIDE EVENT!!!!! they WILL have booths for local resources they will have people you can talk to who are THERE to talk and it is a genuinely great chance to build community

also, Wikipedia is in fact your friend if you’re looking for very surface level stuff. also google. there is GENUINELY nothing wrong with just looking up “non-binary definition” I promise we have ALL been there. I am STILL learning lmao

specific resources will also vary from region to region AND age group to age group!! that’s an important thing to note too!

ALSO because this is something that is NOT widely advertised but SHOULD BE: “transition” is NOT GENDER EXCLUSIVE!!! if there is a gender affirming procedure that would make your life better as a cis person you CAN pursue it and I promise there are resources!!! they are not as widespread but they ARE there!!! it is genuinely ok to be cis and to want surgery/hormones that would normally be considered “just for trans people”

as far as figuring it out, it Also varies lol — again, everyone experiences things differently. I fell into the “nobody gendered shit for me as a kid so suddenly I hit puberty and went through an emotional nightmare of ‘oh fuck this is Wrong’”; other ppl know intrinsically right away, others don’t know until they’re older!

at the end of the day, for whoever this is for, 1) there are absolutely no stupid questions and most ppl who are open to questions Will answer even if it’s “worded poorly” or whatever, so dw abt phrasing things “correctly” — just ask, and 2) it’s ok to be confused and not know — start slow, see what feels right and expand from there. or dont! some ppl want a really specific lbl, some just use “queer” and don’t specify from there. I swear on my life nobody except internet weirdos and transphobic douchebags will police gender or body choices

Serious Question:

Where in the mess of gender identities out there would you place someone who has a name that is usually thought of as being male, is in a female body, hates having breasts/a female reproductive system, but doesn't want the male reproductive system either? Uses she/her, but isn't completely sure that's the best fit for what this person is (because they aren't sure what they are.)

[cucksworth]

i was gonna stream but some stuff came up and now i dont rly have the will or the energy to do it so uh. sorry

[kittycomet]

im so sorry i havent been active aughghghgkjmgjk,mnjbjnhjkykjngiukjtmfnjhfdujkfdcngrjcbhfyshdnjgukjs,

a lot of stuff's been going on online and irl (nothing bad dw!!!)

[timextoxhajima]

ALL FOR A TASTE IS BASED ON AN ACTUAL FWB??

i’m shooketh because i’m so conservative i never once considered fwb were real (i swear for some reason i always thought it only existed in fics/tv shows/etc) esp cuz sg in general is conservative too(?)

i read all for a taste and phew,,,,, that’s hot 🥵🥵 (also you can ignore this part if it’s uncomfy and too personal) but i noticed in the fic….. sunwoo just pulled out (…protection?) …. was that part real too or just for the sake of the fic? i’m asking because i’m a virgin and i really don’t know how these things work irl and i would rather die than ask my irls 😭 again pls ignore if it’s too personal because i know it’s weird to discuss your sex life on the internet 😅😅

-🥯

yes it's based on an actual fwb HAHAHHA but it's not 100% carbon copy

[dw i'm fine i don't really care about talking about my sex life tbh] [also back on desktop so no emojis ;-;]

i’m shooketh because i’m so conservative i never once considered fwb were real (i swear for some reason i always thought it only existed in fics/tv shows/etc) esp cuz sg in general is conservative too(?)

HEY SURPRISE SURPRISE i also come from a conservative family HAHAH I'm just a bit of a wild child- like,,, both my parents are teachers and my sister's a nerd and I'm the one that's kinda rabz in school but a bit closet mugger? yeah you know that one kid-and actually you'd be surprised how many people our age in sg has done it/had an fwb/slept with their partners/hooked up w someone random. when i first stepped into this whole 'oh you're not longer a virgin' side of the story (cause, like you said, sg is still a conservative society and so once you lose it or u sleep w someone you kind of enter this side of society where you realise it's not all that uncommon) i was so surprised to realise that it's not that big of a deal?

LIKE OK NO IM NOT ENCOURAGING HAVING AN FWB BCAUSE IT WAS THE WORST FUCKING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE WHO, WHEN I FIRST STARTED TO IGNORE HIM FOR MULTIPLE REASONS, AND I SENT HIM A LONGASS ESSAY EXPLAINING WHY I THINK WE SHOULDN'T CONTINUE ANYMORE, HE REPLIED WITH A FUCKING FINANCIAL INVESTMENT IMAGE BEC HE'S A PART-TIME FINANCIAL ADVISOR FUCKING INSURANCE IDIOTS

but no! fwbs are a thing LMAO esp in hall also la like, it's just pretty common tbh. i also didn't know until i committed this sin too then when i told some of my closer friends they were like... and then?? ?? you think u special??? xx also sleep w xx udk meh

then i cuatio like HUH but ok ya AHAHHAHHA it's like an open book thing, if you don't look closely, you wouldn't know, but it's like always there.

i read all for a taste and phew,,,,, that’s hot 🥵🥵 (also you can ignore this part if it’s uncomfy and too personal) but i noticed in the fic….. sunwoo just pulled out (…protection?) …. was that part real too or just for the sake of the fic? i’m asking because i’m a virgin and i really don’t know how these things work irl and i would rather die than ask my irls 😭

don't mind me if this is tmi but like, ok the first time i slept w him we DID use a condom BUT we were both drunk and he had /issues/ LMAO so the condom was essentially gone to waste

the second and third time it happened (we only slept tgt like thrice and CAN U BELIEVE SOME OF MY FRIENDS DON'T THINK THAT'S ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED AN FWB LIKE////) we didn't use it :") because it was NOT FUCKING PLANNED.

granted this whole situ with him wasn't planned at all, like we didn't text each other and go hey do you wna be fwbs like no we slept tgt impromptu the first time bec we were drunk and the subsequent times because yk,

w covid a lot of things went online and his clique basically didn't stay hall, + he was the type to not talk to people and he kept his feelings to himself (he was struggling with a fresh breakup at that time, should've seen that red flag ngl, and he has family issues too) and so i was essentially his therapist and s*x doll into 1 and so it's just so shittily timed that whenever i go look for him to make sure he's okay and stuff,

yknow one thing leads to another and tada~ and yeah the subsequent two times we didn't use contraceptives because he told me he 'knew when to pull out', so like fine- and he did, so that wasn't an issue.

either way he's not my first sexual partner and i just wna say that while it's actually pretty hard to get pregnant if it's done with no protection, udk how many pregnancy scares i got throughout me 3-ish years of sexual activity? (I've had 1 boyfriend that i was sexually active with and 1 fwb)

I'm damn prone to stress and it fucks with my cycle, so it doesn't help when mid-cycle i slept with my bf (or in that specific case, my fwb) without contraceptives and it was a stressful time as well AND THEN MY PERIOD WAS LATE AND I PANICKED LMAOOOOOO

also love, don't be worried about being a virgin like, there's absolutely nothing worth being ashamed about. if anything, I'm kind of ashamed i had an fwb that used me more than treated me like an ACTUAL fwb, so- don't worry, love.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[asarahworld]

multifandom ask meme!

what was your first fandom? harry potter or star trek tos.  hp I went to the movies, went to a DH release party, and I remember when ootp was released.  trek, on the other hand, was the first fandom i was involved with online, starting with a ‘personal log’ from the perspective of doctor mccoy.  no, it’s no longer online.

what’s your most recent fandom?  community.  I recently finished the series and very much enjoyed the group’s dynamics.  It reminded me of my own group of friends, except with even more chaos.

are there any fandoms you joined without meaning to?  not really?  I watch/read something, I like it, I seek it out on the internet.  or I see something online, seek out the original source material, and then find more fandom stuff.

are there any fandoms you’ve wanted to join for a long time? I’ve got a ton of stuff that I just haven’t gotten around to watching yet.  ATLA, Anne with an E, Stranger Things, and The Witcher are all still on my Netflix for later list.  I am also looking to watch a few more ‘classic’ DCOMS - Lemonade Mouth, Avalon High, Cheetah Girls, and probably a few others/sequels.  As for actually joining new fandoms, I’d like to get into the X-Files fandom here soon.  My next episode to watch is the S2 finale.  Maybe we’ll start to see some action over @mulderandscullyfbi

do you have a fandom you wish you interacted with more? I’d love to be more involved with the Trek fandom again.  Star Trek was the first fandom I was involved with online and it was a great place for me as a young fangirl.  My first fics were all TOS with the triumvirate.  And, as stated above, TXF.

which fandom is your favorite to create fanworks for?  originally, I was all about Star Trek TOS.  Then, I discovered Rose Tyler/The Doctor.  Now I’m all about Zeddison.

are there any fandoms that you would never create fanworks for?  most sitcoms that I’ve watched.  Community, ODAAT, Arrested Development, anything with IRL people.  Someday, maybe.  (except for IRL)

which fandom do you have the most ideas for?  I don’t usually come up with my own ideas.  And again, it cycles.  Whichever fandom I’m currently invested in is the fandom I’m’ going to have ideas for.

do you prefer fandoms of tv shows, movies, books, or some other medium?  ...are any of them actually different?  fandom is fandom, no matter the medium.

do you wear merch for any fandoms? is it obvious merch (with the title/logo) or subtle (like the main character’s favorite backpack)?   so...I have a TARDIS backpack, a bunch of DW/Trek/SW/Marvel/HP shirts.  I used to wear them more frequently when I was in school, but now I’ve stopped bc I can’t wear them to work.

out of all your fandoms, which two would make the best crossover?  ooh...I don’t know.  I once wrote a HSM/Star Trek TOS crossover.  (sadly, this no longer exists.  I went through a cringe phase and deleted every copy; although nothing is ever really gone on the internet, I still can not find it.)

out of all your fandoms, which premise (plot/worldbuilding) is your favorite?  Doctor Who obviously has the most options for in-universe worldbuilding.  I can take anything I want and it’s probably a feasible option.

out of all your fandoms, which would you like to see adapted into a different medium? what medium?  I would love to see a Harry Potter tv series that follows all the subplots, showcases all the foreshadowing, and takes the time to develop everything properly.

recommend a fic from [insert fandom here].  go to any of my blogs /tagged/fic-rec

recommend a blogger from [insert fandom here].  oh god, that’s literally picking friends.  if I follow you, I recommend you.  heck, there are even people on this site I don’t follow whom I would rec for some fandoms.  tag tracking is where it’s at people

recommend a non-fic fanwork (fanart, fanvids, filk, etc) from [insert fandom here].  too many great ones and I don’t have the time to dive deep into my history

what’s your favorite trope from the fanworks of [insert fandom here]?  I’m just going to go for my main fandoms here.  Doctor/Rose - anything to do with Tentoo/Rose starting over in Pete’s World.  Zeddison - delicious height difference.  Trek - friendship between the triumvirate.  Basically anything to do with found family.

for [insert fandom here]: au, canon divergent, or canon compliant?  it honestly depends on my mood.  All have the potential to be great.  I think my favourite is canon compliant, to write anyways.

what’s your favorite au for [insert fandom here]?  The most common au I read by far is simply human!au.

name a song that reminds you of [insert fandom here].  Zeddison - Someday.  Doctor/Rose - Once Upon a Dream.  Trek - Phasors on Stun.

have you made any friends in [insert fandom here]? oh god, so many.  my zom fam.  the doctor/rose crowd.  and the sherlollians.  romiones.  literally if I follow you or you follow me, I’ve probably thought you and ‘friend’ in the same thought.

name two characters, from different fandoms, who you think would get along.  Abed Nadir and Data. 

which fandom’s setting/world/time period would you like to live in?  nah.

if you could meet the characters of one fandom, which one would it be?  this time last year, I would have said ZOMBIES no hesitation.  two years ago, Doctor Who.  A few years before that, Star Trek.  I don’t think I could stick to one.

if you could take creative control of one fandom’s source material, to fix previous canon and decide future arcs as you see fit, which one would you choose? what would you change?  It would be nice to wade through all the crap JKR has (retroactively) put out there as source material and fix everything.  get rid of the plot holes, get rid of all the extraneous stuff  (Delphini who?)

[ayeun]

5:44 am, sun’s up, has a lot on my mind

is this what depression is? after a snowball of last year with social interactions and meeting with people, quitting my job.. etc i feel like i’m lost again. i have so many ideas on what to do and am slowly spit balling ideas here and there but no straight plan. i feel drained; mentally, emotionally and financially. i can’t bring myself to do anything and keep procrastinating. i may sleep at around 7 am, but i wake up in the afternoon and choose to sleep again, waking up at nearly 5 pm instead. the first thing i always think is to go to the gym, go to the gym, go to the gym-- but i can’t do it. i don’t know why. by the time i gather enough energy to actually go out, it’s already late and dark out. 

all of my three irl friends (who are really just people i’ve met online) are either busy doing other things or live far. the one that lives closest to me never plans anything or asks me to hang out with them. i always feel like i’m the one asking how their schedule is and even feel selfish for asking because they have to juggle between their work, school and organization. my mom warned me about people like them and taking advantage of me. so far, they’ve always paid me back in some way, but who knows. maybe i really am the stupid one here.

another friend lives on the other side of the city. sometimes, i can’t help but feel envious when i see them having fun with other friends and wishing i were invited to join in. at the very least, invited. i honestly don’t think i live far from city and let’s be honest, i have nothing to do anymore and am free all the time. i don’t want to be seen as “not putting any effort” into the friendship because i’m usually down to go 90% of the time, just...offer me opportunities to.

lastly, i have a friend who is socially awkward but means well. it’s hard to hold a conversation with him, but it’s also complicated in reading his body language and reading what he wants. he always talks about outdoors stuff and active things like biking or hiking which i went once and met the quota for the rest of my life. idk, just hard to chat with in general.

i know i’ve talked about this a lot far back in my personal posts, but i really wish i hadn’t gone to florida for university because everyone went their separate ways and i end up with a blank slate again. maybe that’s why friendships mean so much to me, or why i’m so great at maintaining online friendships especially. i’m used to it. plucked out of elementary school into a middle school with virtually no Asians, having to make friendships again and choosing the wrong people to befriend. i’m so sick of having to start over and over again. i’m so sick of me not being able to push myself to the point where i’ll head out in the world and make friends alone-- get the confidence to introduce myself and reinvent myself. every time i try to think positively, my brain just clouds itself with thoughts of friends leaving again. shit, idek why i’m crying. so dumb.

another issue that’s been on my mind lately is how mutuals get “inspired” by my art. recently, someone had a similar design to what i had already posted and i shouldn’t be mad at it but the fact that they were inspired by my post but didn’t say anywhere that it was, made me really upset. i really admire their art and it just hurts when someone i looked up to just.. uses elements of my work into theirs. i’ve showed my friends and asked if i was just being delusional, and most said it’s just inspired and it’s nothing too big, but... idk if i should get upset that it’s just being shrugged off or seen as nothing compared to what they’ve seen other artists do to others? my stomach is churning just typing this out, i really did not appreciate seeing it, especially since that artist and i are mutuals. i... thought they’d know better. i’m probably not gonna post any art on there for another couple of days.

anyways... yeah. maybe all of these thoughts would be solved if i just had a job so it would help occupy my mind. i’ve been trying to be more positive lately but have been just oozing out negative energy and i can feel it when i impulsively comment in groups i’m in or saying unnecessary comments.

maybe all of this would be solved if i actually went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed to see if i really had ADD/ADHD, or went to a therapist to talk about it instead of venting out in the open here and risking friendships.

anyways. i should prob sleep.

thanks for reading up until now and good mornight. ps. dw, i’ll be fine. just need to let it out sometimes.

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)