#iriswrites

[elslovers]

SUNSHINE chapter one

content warnings: religious trauma, alcohol consumption, weed, anxiety, depression, Ellie being a sweetheart, vomiting , internalized, homophobia

˗ ˏ ˋ summary: you love a good party. It's palpable rebellion to you. You love everything about it the rush of the music, the way everything feels warm, the way the alcohol removes the constant knot from your stomach and makes you a version of you you like a little better tonight was set to go exactly like the others get dressed in as little clothes as you can get away with get drunk and dance with your friends that is all until a pair of green eyes derails it all

A/N Hi there all okay so let's go here's the first official chapter of Sunshine I decided to do a mix between a small and a traditional fic so I'm able to have all the detail I want in it and make sure I'm giving you all the best fic that I can this mag not go very well but I really hope you all love it half as much as I do

getting ready is ritualistic. You all call it pregame, but that feels like such an ugly word for such a pretty experience. Taylor swift thumps lightly in the background, and no one complains because no one in this room thinks it's silly how much you love her. No one thinks it silly when everyone changes the outfit they've had picked out for days six times over no one things its silly when we stat getting ready for a party at ten at eight no one things its silly to have ten girls cramped into one dorm just because you want to get ready together

no one laughs when you cringe at your drink

no one mocks when all the mixers are pink

no one does because everyone is doing it

this is why you joined a sorority

you rushed your first year because you thought it was what you should do. Lovely girls from your small town move away to the state school and rush; plain and simple, your mother and your aunt did it. You were sure your sisters would, so of course you did. You've spent most of your life doing things simply because you were supposed to. You went to church because you were supposed to and cut bangs the first year of high school. After all, all the other girls did. You didn't date because you weren't supposed to you, and you ignored the parts of you you were supposed to

but this is why you joined the cause for the first time in your life it was okay to be a girl in the stupid little ways you loved in vodka that was mostly peach juice and Taylor Swift bridges that held your hand through heartache and pregames alpha gamma tau made being a girl feel a little less sinful.

your eyes dance around every person they can latch onto in this sea of smoke and sweat everyone is visibility drunker than you laughing loudly and with their whole chest dancing against one another in a way that felt invasive even to watch stumbling around the house to find another drink or a smoke - this display only encourages you more taking an ambitious swig from your water bottle your nose curling up as the liquid trickled down the back of your throat warming every muscle in your body you shake off that knot swirling and twisting in your tummy when a familiar face approaches your group

It must be nice - comforting to have someone waiting just for you at every single party - in every single room you enter it must be nice to be the ruler of someone's attention like that. You couldn't even fathom how nice it might feel, and those thoughts cause a swelling in your chest so tight and unwanted, and you can't place why so you drink, and you drink, and you drink

you learned a lot about yourself after you started drinking correctly. You discovered you like yourself more wasted - now don't get it twisted. You like yourself sober you like how you can tell what's wrong with someone without even needing them to say a word. You like the way you always have the correct answers, the way you are everyone's favorite friend to confide in - but when you drink, you want more than the ways you love others. You like you

the aspects of your personhood that feel sharp and volatile in sobriety seem to shine under the gaze of vodka and pink wine, and you adore it every time that seething voice in the background of your mind whispering to cover up or sober up or act like a lady seems to go fuzzy and for once your voice is the only one talking in your mind, and it's loud and bright, and people love to listen to you don't feel too much or too little, and you love that

and tonight, just like every night you do this, you lose yourself in the feeling because how could you know freedom is one thing you got freedom the moment your father's grip loosened and you moved into your freshmen dorm, but freedom from yourself is a feeling you chase down every single moment until the weekend so how could you now drown yourself in the sensation

your hips move wherever and against whomever they please, dipping down and swaying to the beat of whatever song is blasting through the speakers, and your skirt rides up to high, and your hands are in the air and roaming down your arms as you burn your lungs trying to out sing every other drunk girl in the frat house you like this under the burning gaze of eyes who can't tell if you're having too much fun or if they aren't having enough but with the state you're in it doesn't seem to matter much

ELLIE's POV

Ellie's breath was labored as she walked from the area of the house she had set up business in over to you. You'd caught her eye at the first-semester party while most of the alpha gamma tau girls gave her dirty looks while their boyfriends bought her pre-rolls. You always smiled at her right off the bat. She was in awe of your warmth and the way you lit every space you entered with your radiance it blew her mind one girl could shine so bright that night you smiled at her for the first time wearing a black crop top and bright pink jeans Ellie recalled promising Tatum she’d make you hers - both of them knew Ellie didn’t stand a chance but god was it nice to pretend.

At every party, you were stable, a little wild, a little undone, but you held yourself together when the time came when all your friends were sloppy, and you needed to get them home. Now it seemed your turn to be too drunk for your good, and you had no one with your best intentions around your friends off doing god knows what, but Ellie wouldn’t let anything happen to you. She knew her protectiveness for a stranger was odd, but she couldn’t help it. She saw the way these men looked like you, like prey like dinner, and she knew you needed the protecting.

“are you okay?” Ellie shouts over the thumping music and screaming conversations. She knows the answer already, but she wants to make sure she isn’t misreading this whole thing.

“No- no yes, I mean in good yes” You stumble over every single word, which only confirms in Ellie’s mind what she already knew to be true - that you were beyond wasted and alone

“Is there an Issue here, pal? She's good. She's with me?” a stupid frat boy spoke as he wrapped his arm around your waist. Ellie watched your face go from soft and confused to turned up and cringing, the same look she made when Jesse tried to kiss her in the 9th grade, the same face she made when she realized she'd instead be kissing a girl named Cat, who was in their grade

“No problem- Just- checking in” She sounded weak, and she knew it. She didn’t want him to see her that way make him think he could take you and she wouldn’t try and stop it she knew she had no right to make it stop for all she knew you wanted it but something inside her told her if she didn’t stop it she’d be regretting it for the rest of her life

“do- do I know you?” you leaned forward slightly catching a glimpse of her green eyes through the smoke and dim lights she looked familiar but you were too drunk to properly place her face

“you could,” Ellie replied, regretting it instantly. She sounded stupid, and she knew it, but by some grace of god drunken, you liked her idiotic one-liners and leaned in a little closer, close enough to smell her past the weed in the air fucking strawberry

You felt the all too familiar knot in your stomach reappear the knot you can usually drink away was twisting itself around your body, making your head spin and your face lose color. This perfect stranger with her green eyes and stupid smile, the type of girl who visits you in your dreams and leaves you praying when you wake up, was so real now she was right here close to you smiling at you and the way that her presence made your cheeks blush made the alcohol in your stomach start rising in the back of your throat.

“I’m gonna be sick”

You manage to get out as you start stumbling your way through the frat house and into the yard as fast as you can, the vomit just barely making it into the bush

Ellie watched with slight horror as she followed behind you, gently taking your hair into her palm and getting it away from your face as you emptied the contents of your stomach

“s’okay now just- get it all out you got this”

She encouraged, softly rubbing your back with her free hand keeping her voice as gentle as she could, this obviously not being one of your proudest moments

Ellie watched you stand up softly, humiliation evident on your face. The exorcist moment you had in the bushes seemed to help sober you up

“I am- so freakin sorry”

You whisper, your slight Southern accent poking out between your words. You’ve sobered up just a bit, but the slight of this girl still makes you feel twisted up inside and guilty for no particular reason

“No need, let's just get you home safe, okay?” Ellie’s voice spoke so gently you almost believed that everything was in fact okay.

your head is pressed against the window of her beaten-down Jeep, and you make it a point to keep your eyes looking out onto the road and not onto her. You couldn’t figure out why you wanted to look at her so badly, but you knew if you did, the knot that was wrapped around your stomach and soul would only tighten, and that was a feeling you couldn’t bare tonight.

“address?”

you heard her ask, snapping you out of your daze and making your head turn to look at her before you had time to tell yourself better

“huh- oh fuck- yeah, it’s 526 water tower apartments” You watch as her face contorts into a smile, and for the hundredth time tonight, your stomach tightens the magnetic pull you felt toward her from the moment her green eyes met yours so intense it almost hurt

why did it feel like this?

It never felt like this with Ben Or Jack Or Kyle of any other boy you tried to love

“why are you smiling” you keep your voice light the war path in your mind easier to ignore if you focus on her lips

“cause- we’re neighbors basically i’m on the forth floor.”

and there it is again that magnetic pull.

The pair of you stand outside your door, and you know it shouldn’t feel hard to say goodbye why are you lingering? She’s a perfect stranger, a kind one but a stranger, so why can’t you thank her and be done

You exist in a type of limbo for a moment, a middle ground between hello and goodbye; neither one of you knows what to say. You’ve already rattled off all the thank yous and your welcomes you can, so why isn’t this done yet? why don’t you want it to be

“Could- could I have your number? Just so I can make sure your good?”

The relief that floods you shouldn't be there. You shouldn't feel giddy that she wants to make sure you are okay you shouldn't feel anything like this, and you should say no

But you eagerly pull out your phone and watch her type in your number

“Oh- in y/n by the way-”

She cuts you off with her own name

“Ellie.”

“thank you again ellie”

You say as you slip through your front door and into bed the weight of the night laying heavy on your chest as you try and sleep.

the sun wakes you up the next morning and as your eyes adjust to the light your phone catches your attention

you feel your stomach tie back up and your head gets the all too familiar dizzy feeling that last night you blamed on the booze

she texted you

and you knew you weren't strong enough to not text back.

comment to be added to the tag list

[observancesys]

i wanna hear your sisyphus entropy poem

it's not one of my best poems - (i should really share some of them on here sometime; i'm planning to include a whole bunch of them in the zine i wanna make next year!!) - given i wrote it in a depressed vent mood and havent edited it, but here it is nonetheless!

machine built to sever entropy // Girl and Boulder there once was a girl who desired to destroy a mountain, so that she might sleep in the dust and rubble of its remains. alas, however, the girl was alone and bereft of any tools to aid her in the task; save for a single boulder. thus, she rolled the boulder up the mountain's cliffs, over jagged ground, across stone devoid of flora she rolled, never turning to face the horizon behind her she rolled, and rolled, and rolled. and finally, as she reached the mountain's peak, she lifted that boulder of hers in both arms, and - with a screech that sundered the clouds above apart - slammed it down on the mountain's apex, dislodging a single rock from it in the process. the mountain was now smaller. quite provably so. she watched, trying to sate herself with her achievement, as the boulder tumbled down to the foot of the path she had walked. she was not sated. and so, with nowhere to rest, the girl began to walk back down after her boulder, once again. the end

[bravecitizen]

obsessed with my story...i’m really trying to push themes of b/w-life/death//how weak the threshold is, what kind of hold the dead have on the living, and god--i love writing. i love it. it’s all i want to do day in and day out.

[surrealirist]

Margo’s Glen

WIP introduction!

Genre: Fairy tale/modern fantasy Status: Plotting Word goal: 80k Features: Characters of color, LGBT+ and non binary characters, LGBT+ romance, fairy weirdness

Summary:

Margo Sly has wondered for her whole life why strange happenings seem to follow her wherever she goes. She is the world’s only victim of a mysterious developmental disorder, she has reality-bending abilities that seem uncontrollable- and since she was an infant, strange creatures have visited her in the night. Things become clearer than ever before when a tyrant ruler of the Fair Folk calls upon her. Queen Junou rules a fairy glen at the center of the beloved forest beside Margo’s childhood home. Junou reveals that Margo is her exiled sister’s birth daughter; long ago, Junou left Margo with her human family as a changeling, and raised the Sly family’s baby as her own. Now that the princess has fallen ill, the queen claims the only thing that can cure her is Margo’s permanent return to the fairy world.

[papermouths]

I have ripped my wrists apart trying to find the solution, some way of peace, of stillness, of silence, but they didn’t bleed while I breathed. They didn’t bleed, but I breathed, and stitches don’t hold in oxygen, but they mean that there’s something in you still worth saving.

[alittleemo]

do you miss iris?

yeah i miss her quite a lot, i hope they’re doing well <33

[alinastarkovaz]

named this clip and now i have that one line of endgame stuck in my head

[elslovers]

Abby x Reader ANGSTTTTTTT PLEASEEEEE

NEED YOU

Modern!abby x reader

Your knee is blood, dripping down onto your calf at a pace so slow and painful it almost feels taunting.

This is how you operate, after all. First, you get a gut feeling your girlfriend of almost a year becomes distant for a day or two, making the alarm bells in your mind ring at total volume, which then makes you cold and defensive whenever she does offer you the love you crave so deeply then you lose it a little sneaking glance at her phone when she's taking a piss in the bathroom of your shared apartment until you finally give into your crazy and search her phone and find the same thing you always find some other girls half naked body in her inbox that she didn't even bother to hide because she knew you'd never leave her the same sequence of events had went down tonight some girl whose name you didn't bother to learn had her body spread out across the screen of Abby's phone staring down as it shook in your hand she caught you - or rather you let her catch you which started a fight that would last hours.

You are demanding to know why you weren't enough

Her screaming so loudly you thought she must be shredding her lungs

You are shaking and sobbing like a child

Her begging for forgiveness

It was a cycle. It happened every few months like clockwork Dina had begged you to leave, but you loved Abby and were convinced you could work through it

Until the night

Every person has a breaking point, and you had finally reached yours. The cycle was breaking, and right from the start, you both knew it. The moment you saw the picture your face hardened, the soft, personified sunshine of a human being Abby had known slipping through her fingertips. She had finally broken you

You didn't say a word as you tugged on your shoes, your hands shaking but refusing to let a single tear fall.

You wouldn't give her the satisfaction of letting her see you break again

"Fucking answer me."

She shouted, but her voice was so low it sent a chill through every atom of your body.

"Tell me what the fuck you're doing."

Abby screamed a little harder, a sob echoing in her chest as she watched you search for your car keys, pacing around your shared space for your wallet

You refused to look her in the eye partly because she didn't deserve it and partly because you knew if you had, you'd give in, and she would be petting your hair and touching you all night until it didn't hurt so bad.

Promising you were the only girl for her

Until the next girl came along

But there wouldn't be a next time

"Don't leave-"

Was the last broken sob masing as a sentence you heard before you slammed the door shut

Now here you were, a skinned knee from stumbling around an empty parking lot, bottle of vodka in hand, cranberry juice in the other.

You were certain Abby had already buried her hurt in someone else's pussy

But you weren't here

So vodka would have to do

It had all been so good when you had first plummeted into love with Abby Anderson.

She met you at a party. You were standing all alone in the corner, out of place, and anxious her your saving grace

She tore you out of your comfort zone as nothing more than a new friend for weeks liking the game of seeing your cheeks light up when she complimented you are enjoying the power of being the only person you could cling to at a party she got you safe with her trust wasn't in your nature so it took some time she spent many nights making you think something would happen and never giving in just so you knew she wasn't going to hurt you as people had before but once she knew she had you melting down the palm of her hand trust oozing out of you she gave in bringing you flowers writing you notes and touching you in ways you didn't know existed.

Abby was your light in the darkness

And she always promised you were hers

So where had it all gone wrong

You wrap your lips around the bottle, a sob leaving them, alcohol spilling down your chin as you sit on the cement.

Reflecting, you knew it was after your first fight. You were terrified to come out to your friends and even know you didn't know why Ellie was out, and no one cared, but when it came to your own sexuality, you knew it would shock people, and nothing scared you more than the idea of not living up to people's expectations of you or at least you thought until you saw Abby angry

The way her face would go red, every muscle in her body towering over her blue eyes growing so dark, they made you feel like you wished you never existed, to begin with

Her voice was so loud

So angry

Telling you that if you didn't want to be out with her, she would find someone who did

And Abby makes good on her promises, wasting no time finding a girl to parade around until you came crawling back, which, of course, you did coming out to your friends a day after

It was always something along those lines, an expectation of abbys you failed to meet, so she found someone else who will. Tonight she was mad because you were scared for her to properly meet your friends, who naturally were not her biggest fan.

So she found someone else

Anyone else

And you found the bottom of a bottle

Love was funny how easily it started to feel like hate. You loved Abby, and you hated her, and you didn't think both could be true.

But you both knew you needed her.

Without her, you were alone. You had friends, Ellie and Dina Jesse, when he found the time, but no one saw you like Abby did, and all you really wanted was to be seen

As much as Abby hurt you, she lit you up from the inside and made you a brighter, bolder you.

That's the trouble with relying on someone to light you up they can snuff you out just as fast

You were so drunk you couldn't see her name as you dialed it, laying it beside your ear.

She picked up after the second ring, the voice on the other line cold, but her sobs counteracted her anger

"The actual fuck do you want"

Abby hissed through the phone lines causing you to flinch the pain from your wound paling in comparison to the pain her voice gave you

"Need your abs."

You slurred your words, your heavy eyelids starting to close, seeing stars that weren't really there, the alcohol finally taking its full toll

Your words and the sound of your voice set off every possible alarm bell in Abby's mind

What the fuck has she done to you?

She questioned over and over, desperately tracking your phone with shaking hands, vision blurred from the tears

It wasn't long before she had you tucked into your shared bed

The same bed where she entertained photos of other women right beside you

That was the only part your mind could focus on

"Dont fuckin touch me"

Your slurred hiss sounded so pathetic against her big hands forcing you onto your side and tucking her body beside you

"Let me make it better."

Abby whispered, broken in your ear, brushing your hair down with the palm of her hand, her tears leaking onto your shoulder

"Let me hold my girl let me kiss away your hurt- I've fucked up a lot, and I know this. I can fucking see it now, but I can make it better. Let me show you how much I want you."

She pleaded so desperately you couldn't help but let your crumble a bit as it always did

But much to Abby's dismay, you shook your head body desperately pulling away from hers

"I need you abs, but I don't think I want you anymore."

[elslovers]

i neeeeed need abby to make me feel better about having such a shit dad. as someone currently coming to terms with just how much their dad sucks i just know abs would be such a good comfort.

summary: fathers day is easily the hardest day of the year for you it weighs heavy on you every single year but thankfully this year you have abby

authors note: this was such a sweet one to write fathers day can be really hard for a lot of people including myself so I hope this helps and warms yalls heart like it did mine and too anyone else who can relate fuck dads

YOUR DESERVING

“fuck him"

you mutter, throwing your phone down against the bed and ignoring the pile of texts from your girlfriend Abby was going to have to wait it was taking all your mental energy not to grab your phone again and shatter it against the wall

your phone screen lights up again, and you peer at the text through tear filled eyes

abby <3 : I'm headed to my dad's. Can you just let me know your okay?

and you want to tell her you are you want to so bad, but you've never been able to lie to Abby, so you settle on a thumbs-up reaction and turn off your phone until the miserable Day is over because, in all honesty, if you see one more happy father-daughter duo posting photo collages of them, it might just kill you

fathers Day always makes you feel small

but this year was unbearable. In years passed, and you would send a card out for your dad in the post, send him a text, maybe even ask if he wanted to come over and have dinner

but this year, you sat idly by refusing to act as though he was ever anything resembling a father because now you know good and well he isn't seeing Abby with her dad solidified in your mind that that what you had wasn't that of a father at all you'd spent your whole life desperately trying to earn his love his praise his attention but after seeing how freely Abbys dad gives it you knew none of this was supposed to be this hard

and it hurt it hurt so much more than you could explain

you spent your Day in the safety of your apartment, growing out of the noise of your mind with whatever mindless sitcom peaked fancy at any given hour

you tried not to let it hurt

you knew it was wrong to ignore Abby the way you had, but you didn't want your issues seeping Into what for her was a happy day, but you never could lie to her so avoiding the situation seemed to be your best bed

it all ached. It was a dull type of pain that came in harsh flashbacks to your childhood, all the waiting by the phone hoping he would call just to be let down all the birthdays he ignored all the times you were supposed to visit that he just ignored

it affected you greatly left you questioning your worth at every single turn

if he didn't want you how could anyone else right?

abby was aware of this she saw how intensely his lack of presence in your life and the hell he gave you when he was had shaped you she watched you second guess your every move you made it broke her heart watching the girl she loved so much hurt all because he didn't show up how you deserved

it felt impossible to untangle the version of him he made you into from who you actually wanted to be

but abby wanted to help you

she had to help you

Abby palmed her keychain flipping through them until she found the key to your apartment before unlocking the door

and oh did her heart ever break at the sight

you were tangled up in blankets a crying mess as you clutch a mug of what she has to assume is not tea judging by the half empty bottle of vodka on the counter

seeing her girl so broken up was enough to bring her to tears

"abby..." god you hated how weak your voice sounded so sad you hated that he still had this power over you that after all these years that his grip was still strong enough to make you break

"oh oh honey hi..." she spoke gently making her away over to settle beside you on the couch her voice was gentle but her mind trying and failing to suppress the violence she wanted to inflict on the man who made you like this she wanted to ruin him how he tried to ruin you and show him that regardless of how horrible he was to you you still turned out so well that regardless of all the darkness he inflicted on you you were still the brightest person she knew

"today is the worst day" you muttered and she felt her heart break a little harder "all I ever wanted was for him to be around and there has to be a whole goddamn day to remind me that he wasn't that lots of other girls got what I didn't that of whatever reason I just wasn't good enough to deserve a dad"

Abby never thought about it quite like that how truly painful this Day must be for you seeing all the girls including her with their gold star dads and here you have been all Day drowning your sorrows in liquor and sitcoms wondering why you didn't deserve a dad lie everyone else got

"oh angel" abby cooed out her arm hand covering the expanse of your cheek as she pulled you into her side determined to offer you all the comfort she could "you deserved a dad you deserved more then just a dad you deserved someone who showed up for you who held you when you cried and loved you the way you deserve he never took care of you and he's a fuckin pussy but i'm gonna take care of you do you understand? im gonna fix what he broke baby and one Day your gonna see how deserving of that you are"

you didn't know how bad you needed her words until she spoke them but you needed them oh so badly you trusted abby she was the only dim guiding light you had left in this world and if she said you were going to be okay you knew you would

[elslovers]

chapter one

BLOOD IN BLOOD OUT

synopsis: medical school is hard you knew it would be you prepared for the long nights and breakdowns you prepared to run off only coffee and will power for four years what you didn't prepare for was Abby Anderson you thought after graduation you would be done with her but first day of your internship there she is ready to give you hell...and maybe something more

a/n this is basically going to be greys anatomy tlou version im not sure this is gonna land with people but lord I hope so doctor abby eats so lets see how this go - also this is my first not standalone fic yay for me

you had always been a healer in one way or another, mending healing sick younger siblings back to health from a cold or nasty flu turned to taking care of your friend's hangovers after discovering to never vodka and tequila

you've spent your whole life healing people mending broken hearts and broken women, and mending parents and friends during the lows of their life it only made sense that you would dedicate your life to mending the pain of others its what you do best, and if you're being honest, you loved it at first, you thought you might want to be a vet at the ripe age of eleven. You decided you prepared the company of your pets to those around you (you still do) and thought fixing them might be a decent way to spend your adult life but the concept of seeing animals in any form of pain put you off your dinner then in middle school, you thought maybe a nurse you liked the idea of a hospital, the concept of working alongside brilliant doctors and helping save people's lives by realizing you only wanted to be a nurse because you thought you couldn't be the doctor and fuck that

college, you spent every second of every minute of every goddamn day proving you deserved to be one of the doctors, and after four years of grueling pre-med classes, you were confident you deserved to be one of the doctors then came med school, which knocked you flat on your ass. You didn't go to a shabby school for undergrad, but you ran circles around your peers there - common knowledge was that you were the one to watch, but med school was different you weren't running the circles alone Abby Anderson had been breathing down your neck and your ego from the moment you stepped foot into your first class - the first question your professor asked your two hands were the only ones to fly up

it was world war three ever since that day constantly an all-out battle as to who can bruise the other's ego more you hated her stupid notes and the way she was so above using an iPad like everyone else and was insistent on surviving med school with pen and paper for notes, only using her laptop when needed be you hated her attitude. Her father is a doctor, and she always acted like she was born with a scalpel in her hand, ready to cut she always acted so above you if you were being honest with yourself, Abby made you feel weak. She was tailor-made for this life. She was stoic and hard level headed and cool under pressure. She poked fun at all the things that made you you

she made fun of the way you doodled in the edges of your textbook she made fun of how you dressed 'like an overgrown toddler.' She would say every time you sported your colorful shirts or pants, your cardigans or fun shoes- the day you wore pigtails to a lecture was one of the worst of your years there Abby always quipped that you were better-suited teaching kindergarten than in the OR, and sometimes you started to believe her

in high school, mean girls were blondes with Jeeps and low GPAs, but in med school, the mean girl was a cut-throat soon to be doctor who almost beat you out for top of the class almost

graduation day came and when and you stood on that stage beaming ear to ear - your dress may have been pink, but you were the only one with a gold cord draped over your cap and gown so suck on that, Abby Anderson was the second name to be called and the relief that flooded your body was unexpected

it was over. She was gone, and you would never have to feel that big hand wrap around your shoulder just to tug at your ponytail you had finally gotten rid of Abby fucking Anderson and you existed blissfully with that thought all summer you'd accepted your internship at Jackson Hospital and after four miserable years of med school spent proving to yourself you deserve to be a doctor, you now got to spend the next four years of your life proving to yourself you deserve to save lives when your alarm echoed throughout the four walls of your one-bedroom apartment, it felt like a gift

today was the first day of the rest of your life

it was a fresh start - a clean slate and nothing in this world could knock you off your high at least you thought

the light blue scrubs felt like a second skin right off the bat, and with your hair in a pink clip and two cups worth of coffee In your travel mug, you gathered around the other interns and spotted the only thing that could ruin your day a honey blonde braid hanging idly down the pack of the one person who could make you regret even waking up that morning

fucking Abby

Abby had a special gift for making you feel small, always pointing out the things you love about yourself as if they were the worst flaws she'd ever seen

it blew your mind to think your first impression of her was that she was stunning

"you have got to be kidding me" You meant it to sound firm and harsh, but you know it came out weak

you watched, gawking as Abby turned roughly on her heels to tower over you properly

this was going to be a nightmare

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to say Abigail Anderson was meant to be a surgeon would be the understatement of the year

where you were born to heal

Abby was born to cut

her father was a healer,

but what she lacked in his warmth she made up for in discipline. Abby was controlled. She was hard-working. She knew what she wanted from the moment she was old enough to vocalize it and she spent every moment of every day working toward it. It would be admirable if she was humble about it but Abby was cocky, and she knew it

she was always the one to beat all throughout her life she spent most of her young childhood inside the walls of Jackson Hospital, absorbing every ounce of knowledge her mind could, and by the time she hit high school, she was a well-oiled goddamn machine Abby lived and breathed medicine, and although out college, every move she made had the sole purpose of bringing her closer to the goal - to the one thing she was made to do it is needless to say, Abby never had many friends. That's not to say she had none. Every overachieving perfectionist can attest that various social clubs help fill the void

Abby was president of the debate team Vice President of Model UN, captain of the girl's basketball team, and an active member of the gay, straight alliance per her father's request (begging) who often worried Abby didn't surround herself with 'people on your team' as he father would put it over breakfast most mornings

Abby had people but Abby was alone. She didn't play nice with others people who weren't on her level she found boring and impossible to converse with and people on her level (people like you) posed as a threat to the territory that was rightfully hers Abby walked confidently into med school posy undergrad, convinced no one could take the wind out of her sails until she met you

for every question asked you always seemed to have the answer a second faster for every quiz test or exam that she got an A on it always felt as though you got an A + she hated the way you showed her up and did so with a smile - did so with fucking pigtails

she hated how good you got and how kind you stayed she spent years convincing herself that the way she was is what it took to become bright that warm girls sweet girls girls who doodle and play nice don't become cut throat and that Abby was made to be cut throat

but there you were personified sunshine and holding a fucking dagger to her throat it seemed unfair so when you made her feel low Abby would make you feel lower she knew her teasing and taunts were pathetic and bordering on cruel but for four years taking the wind out of your sails put it back into hers

she would be a liar if she said tequila and late nights in her apartment didn't force her to think about how soft and broken your face looks when she teases you she would be a liar if she said those thoughts didn't want to make her stop but they just were never enough when she sobered up

after graduation all she could feel was relief sure you had one for a final time you pulling top the class out from under her would chase her down in her nightmares for years to come but she had the summer to nurse her pride and by the time day one of internship rolled around she was prepared to walk though the doors of Jackson hospital exactly what she was A legacy Abby was the second link in the chain of Anderson surgons in that hospital

her father was legend and now she could follow it up build her own reputation of excellence she like he had always intended when she gathered around the other interns sipping on her coffee as they all spoke in hushed whispers about how she was the daughter of THE dr Anderson she was confident nothing could bring her down until she heard your voice small and weak and taunting as she whips around her braid nearly hitting someone in the face

"oh come the fuck on" she hissed feeling the anger rising right to her cheeks

this was going to be a nightmare

[elslovers]

˗ ˏ ˋ 𝖲𝖴𝖭𝖲𝖧𝖨𝖭𝖤 - E - WILLIAMS 𝖷 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱

prologue - introduction

summary: you followed the footsteps of your mother and sister and the women you came before. You be seen as good, kind, love god, do good in school, go to a lovely state school, and join a sorority the same one as your mother and her mother before her. It was all going to plan. You’d made it out of high school alive you were the daughter your father wanted you to be, and getting into alpha gamma tau was a breeze. You adored your new-found sisterhood and felt confident nothing would ruin it - until one night and one party and one girl who looked at your lips a little too long derails everything you’ve had planned.

a/n okay hi I’ve been seeing text aus all over my feed and i’ve been devouring every single one so I decided to try my hand at one. This is a plot I’ve held near and dear to my heart for a WHILE and has tried writing time after time I thought mixing it with some small might help me finally put it out there plz don’t let this crash and burn I love u all also shoutout @phantombriide bc their aus slay and def helped me make the choice to try

[elslovers]

I have this fic idea I can’t shake… the bachelorette but gay and will ellie- a joey daisy style angst but gay as fuck? i can’t get it out of my head

[elslovers]

Sunshine chapter Two

authors note: hello my lovely readers it has been quite a while and idk if anyone still cares but here is chapter two of sunshine i’m really proud of it and I have a lot of exciting things planned for it all my love, Iris

your body is cold against the wooden pew of the church you have inhabited your whole life your still in your clothes from last night but they feel so much shorter and revealing against the cold air of the church your attention is stolen away from the provocative clothes, covering your body when the thick wooden floor slams shut with your fathers presence strolling his way through the massive isles of the church in his sunday best and suddenly a whole new shame fills every inch of your body he looks at you and you crumble under his gaze slouching down in shame he always has been able to suffocate you with merely his eyes everything around you goes fuzzy besides you and him and you sit there drowning in shame as he makes you regret everything you did last night without needing to speak a word you sit there for what feels like an eternity until another loud slam of the wooden door jolts your gaze down that familiar long isle way Ellie is walking down the girl from last night still in the same outfit she had on then the same green eyes that make your stomach twist into knots she goes to meet your father and they don’t greet one another they just stand there staring at you and you back at them your legs bobble as you go to move walking out of the pew and down the isle to meet one of them-

the sound of your phone jolts you out of your dream, and you feel the sweat pooling around the small of your back as you shuffle against your bed sheets and out of bed, the cold floor on the balls of your feet as you rush into the bathroom your gasping for breath over the sink inhaling rapidly as your mind rushes with last nights events

your hand grips the faucet and rushes cold out and splashes some onto your face

that helps

you think as you bring your eyes to meet your gaze back in the mirror

everything’s fine

you assure yourself

a weird, hungover dream that’s all

lying is a sin

but it’s one you can deal with for now

you walk back to your room and finally check your notifications

there’s a few texts from your sisters commenting on what a wild night it was and making sure no one died of alcohol poisoning

you ignore those, they can wait until you’ve gotten yourself back together

You are about to shut off your phone when an unknown number stops you

you feel your eyes darting around the screen, reading the text over and over even though you understood the contents of the message upon first glance

she texted you

you owe this girl something

your southern hospitably overpowering the voice in your head telling you to block and run

she got you home

cleaned you up

changed you, for godsakes

your mother always said no debt is so deep a baked good can’t fix it

while you aren’t sure that’s entirely true, that’s the logic you're going to run with

You send back a text that is only partly true. You are genuinely sorry, and god knows it wasn’t a good moment for you

but getting drunk like that has become quite a regularity for you

the heaviness doesn’t leave your body even once you reach the kitchen. You fix yourself a cup of coffee with cream and sugar and only stomach a sip before getting to work

Ellie seems like she’d like strawberry

you pluck a fresh carton of them from the fridge before gathering the rest of your ingredients

“men do God's work every day. They do the hardest tasks god created. They provide they fight so that we can stay home and use God's bounty to provide for them in our own womanly way.”

your mother would recite that every time she plucked the flour from the cabinet, and as you do the same, you can’t help but feel as though baking these as a gift for a girl whose existence knots you up feels like a cardinal sin

you try and push it aside

you bake for your sisters

and for your family

this is just a thank-you

you drizzle a creamy glaze on top of the strawberry muffins and watch as it runs all down the side a satisfied smile coming onto your lips

everyone says to let them cool but you prefer the icing seeps into the muffin creating a softer inside

your mother calls it your special trick

you pluck your phone from the kitchen table and chew on the inside of cheek as you scan ellie’s reply back to you

you read her text a few times over before rushing back into your room

it would be rude to deliver a breakfast item in the afternoon

you pull on your favorite pair of faded Levi’s that hug everything that deserves being hugged and pair it with a bright pink sweater

it’s a Sunday

after you drop these off you’ll be on the way to church with a few of your sisters

you’ll be shaking hands with the elderly who will comment on what a good Christian girl you are

and you will smile like truer words were never spoken

you dab on makeup and gold hoops, pull on white booties, grab your purse, and tuck the muffin tin between your arms as you shut your front door

ELLIES POV

it’s a Sunday

which is a wake-and-bake kind of day for herself and Tatum

Ellie inhales the second hit of her round of puff puff pass. When you knock, Ellie waits for a minute but tatum can’t care less, which earns a groan from Ellie, who strides over to the door. She’s messy-looking, she smells like weed, and her wife beater and boxers are less than ideal for what waits behind the door

, but she pulls it open, and there you are, smiling

Ellie can feel her cheeks burning and is set back when she sees yours are just as red

“y/n- hi hey how are you- are you okay- I mean you look okay you look great I meant more so in a heath sense because last night, you know-“

Tatum fakes a cough while yelling “Shut up” across the room, which earns a laugh from you

Ellie realizes she would embarrass herself every chance she got to see you laugh

“I’m okay… embarrassed last night wasn’t like me…anyway as a thank you for getting me in and being so sweet I uh made muffins- my mama would kill me if I didn’t repay a girl who did me such a kindness”

there is is again

that southern twang that floats within your words

Ellie wondered if it came out more drunk or sober

sober it is

her cheeks are burning up now she feels almost lightheaded as you pass her the muffin tin a big smile on your face

“they are strawberry muffins I hope you like strawberry! I didn’t want to ask and ruin the surprise”

she giggled

a full-on proper giggle

Ellie had never heard a giggle so naturally before

“shit- you didn’t need to do that this is so-“

you quickly cut her off

“nonsense you did me a favor a huge one enjoy these for me okay? there made with love and a whole lot of gratitude”

“well thank you”

Ellie smiles down at the muffins and then looks back up at you

“listen-“ you begin

“i’ve gotta run i’m meeting for breakfast before church with some friends but- I really really hope I see you around again your a peach”

you smile giving her a small hug before starting back down the hallway

Ellie turns back to Tatum a shell-shocked grin on her face

“that happened, right? I’m not genuinely high enough to make that up?”

Ellie asks Tatum, flopping back down on the couch

“Oh yeah- oh, that happened.”

tatum replies.

READERS POV

You wipe off the sweat from the palms of your hands as you kiss your sorority sisters on the cheek. Brunch is short-lived before mass begins. You toss your state bagel in the trash and sit down. The pastor is drowning on and on, and you usually can’t help but listen, but right now it feels impossible. Ellie's on your mind and you don’t know why you're lost in thought until something the pastor says catches your attention

“Sometimes the sin isn’t what matters. It’s what we do with the fact that we have sinned.”

it sits heavy like a rock on your heart for the rest of the day

you can’t pinpoint why

You are sitting on your couch later that night curled up in an oversized tee shirt and your underwear, drowning your sorrows in wine and The Bachelor which is normally a surefire way to uplift your spirits

but you can’t breathe

the words the pastor spoke today

the events of last night

the last twenty years of your life, if you were being honest

it’s impossible to escape feeling when your mere existence feels like a sin against everything you believe in

you draw yourself a bath and plunge yourself into the scolding hot water

it does not drown out your mood

instead, you hit with another memory

your drunk

vodka drunk

you were laying on the floor of your sister's apartment the fibers of her plushy pink rub rubbed against the exposed bits of your skin

you were all in a heated game of truth or drink and it was your turn to ask a question

“Okay okay okay- have you ever thought about kissing a girl”

everyone shifts slightly uncomfortable and you wish you could grab the words and shove them back in your mouth but you can’t out there and everyone is shaking their head laughing trying to defuse the awkwardness and your taking a shot

the next morning you laughed it off saying you were drunk but now under the heat of the water and alone with your own mind and you know you asked that question because you were searching for anyone else to make you feel less horrible then you knew you were

in that moment you know you need something stronger than wine

you fish your phone out and type out a text before you can convince yourself better

“fuck fuck fuck-“

you hiss at yourself as you pace back and forth the water swirls down the drain and you tug on your loose loungewear when the door echos with a knock

she’s fast you have to admit that

you know this is a bad idea

this isn’t like you

good girls don’t do this

godly girls don’t do this

what the fuck would your father think

but in all honestly, in regards to your recent choices, this is one of the least painful of the bunch so why does it feel so massively wrong?

you pull open the door plaster a shy smile on your face and welcome her inside

“hey- I’m sorry- it’s been a day and-“

Ellie cuts you off with a hand on your shoulder pulling off her shoes

“you never need to explain needing a smoke to me okay? relax it’ll be fun”

she smiles and a wave of calm washes over you

you both settle onto the sofa and she sparks the lighter and guides you through taking a hit

“you ever smoke?”

she asks and the shake of your head earns a nod from her

“It's easy just take a deep breath and then hold the breath. You’ll feel the smoke in your lungs, and when it burns just a bit let it out, and after a couple, you’ll feel great.”

and she was right

it was easy, and after a couple of, you were flying

you’ve never felt so light

you wonder if this is how everyone else around you feels all the time

“I get the hype.”

you laugh gently, to which ellie beams

“glad to be of service-“

she says, then shifts on the cough and faces you

“you wanna talk about the shit day?” she asks

there it is again, the all too familiar knot

heat flares through your body, and you find weed and vodka are strikingly similar

they make you ask questions you know you’ll regret

“I just- I don’t know, it’s just like…fuck like, have you ever thought about kissing a girl?”

and once again, as soon as you say it

you which you could take it back

tags : @gold-dustwomxn @sleepiemain @midwestdyke @trulygnomed @ellieonmarz @anyaballs

comment to be added to the tag list

[elslovers]

the one - E. Williams

a/n hello my loves apologies for falling off I have just been in a writing slump but I decided the perfect way to pull myself out was with a series I had been wanting to write for awhile of on shots inspired by Taylor swift songs - as ur certified switftie tlou writer it is my duty this is angsty but no better way to start off than some Ellie folklore angst I hope you enjoy

" and if my wishes came true it would've been you"

Your hand clutches the stem of your wine glass, makeup-caked eyes, and a weaker spirit than you possessed less than twenty-four hours ago. Chaos is so intense it's almost peaceful, like when something moves so fast the human eye can't see it. That's how losing Ellie has you feeling, spinning so fast you almost think you are standing still pacing, and you know your pacing, but your mind is somewhere else. You only stop when you catch a glimpse of yourself in your vanity mirror.

" I guess the greatest loves of all time all time are over now"

Your body sinks into the memory of your meeting you'd always been a romantic dreaming up the great love affairs you would have with the cute barista because she said she liked your bangs or the pretty girl who lived down the hall from you freshmen year it wasn't uncommon for you to fall fast and hard which is what made Ellie so Wonderfully different you weren't free falling into fantasy you were content in reality with her from the moment you met you were her waitress and she and her friends who would soon become chosen family had been hogging a table all night at the shitty little diner you worked at ordering nothing but hot cocoa and fries for the table you usually would mind but from the moment you saw her you started saying a prayer that shed be there till close she would smile at you every time you brought fresh cocoa for the table finding a new aspect of you to compliment shyly each time, you saw the eyes her friends made giving her a look of stop fuckin around and make a move and when she saw you dip into the bathroom she made her move.

you remembered it all feverishly a little hazy in some parts but some moments so sharp with hurt you were washing your hands when you saw her walk in from the mirror a smile turning up on your lips - was she here for you? You recall thinking these moments were fuzzy, her mind racing too much to remember the small talk you made, but when her lips crashed onto you with hunger, you made sure to remember everything the way her calloused hands held your cheeks, the way she didn't hesitate the way she backed you against the wall and after what felt like only a second pulled back and gave you a smile that seemed to say she already knew she had you and then kissed you again just as starved as the first Ellie has a talent for kissing you every damn time as she might never kiss you again

from that moment on it was just you and Ellie

until it wasn't

"and if you wanted me you really should've showed"

The problem with loving someone like Ellie is the love being loved more than their lover, or at least that is what you had gathered after six months of loving and losing at the same time she has a wandering eye, always had, always will, but she was yours. That's what you assured yourself of when she started hiding her phone more. She was yours. It's what you told yourself when she stopped asking you to accompany her to the house parties she sold at. She was yours, but Ellie belonged to everyone and no one all at once. She was never really anyone. Her friends would say how impressed they were. She'd made it so long that she was never good at monogamy, and you would always say she was good with you.

because god was she good with you

good until she wasn't until she was good with the girl she promised was just a client turned smoke buddy you prided yourself on being cool unattached the type of girlfriend Ellie wanted the kind who didn't panic (or at least didnt let her see) you kept yourself so cool the girl she told you not to worry about found her way into the bed you shared found her way inside the girl you thought would make you never be shared again

good until it wasn't

The screaming her begging you not to leave you, throwing her shit into the hallway of your apartment, demanding she get the fuck out. The girl who Ellie could still taste on her lips, running for the hills as fast as she could, was all still fresh in your mind, an open wound bleeding out memories you try and drink away. 'How could you be meant to sound solid and angry like a proper woman scorned would sound? You try to sound like the hell these women are supposed to give, but it comes out weak and broken, followed by a sob and trembling lip as you try to preserve whatever dignity you have left - how could you be so blind? "Baby- she's nothing. I swear she's nothing." ellies pleading, but it is disregarded because, at that moment, you feel like the one who's nothing "Honestly, Ellie, if that's how you treat girls who mean nothing, then what the fuck am I- six months, and then you meet some girl and take her home." you sun onto the bed sobbing for her to leave until she shut the door of your once-shared home for the last time

"but if you never bleed your never gonna grow"

you spend the next three weeks bleeding day drunk in your bed cycling the five stages of grief one after another day in day out it hurt in a way you'd never felt pain before the betrayal the worst of it all it hurt more then losing her

but you let yourself feel it all because somewhere a part of you knows if you don't feel it now you'll be feeling it for the rest of your life

" I'm doing good i'm on some new shit"

Two months feel like a lifetime, like you've been walking around watching your whole life on a film screen with a projector that never entirely comes into focus - but after two months of grief, you want to bloom again. You want to be the version of yourself you were before Ellie broke your heart and took your light with you. The pains are still there, but it coexists alongside a fury to not let her win

so step one is to do your hair how you used to big rollers, pulling them out into perfect curls. Step two is to do your makeup in a way that makes you glow light and airy as the sun gave you her blessing to outshine her, and three, go to a party knowing there is a 50/50 chance she'll be in attendance and not caring either way

the music is loud in your chest, the bass a welcome replacement to the pounding go your heart. You always made it a rule never to go out alone, but getting over Ellie seems to require breaking some rules 

you take one shot after another, stopping when you reach the happy place of drunkenness of not being too sure you are standing on solid ground 

you dance alone, and you dance against people. You dance with people until you've settled your eyes on a girl who could make you forget who made you like this in the first place

she's pulling someone by the sleeve of their flannel, and after a moment, Ellies figure steps Into the red and blue led lights of the dance floor

god, Williams, you always did have good taste

the familiar feeling of emotions flowing out of you serves as a reminder that no amount of bleeding will heal this wound

not yet, at least

your frozen mind is willing your body to move before she has the privilege of seeing you of being in the same space as you, a privilege you swore to both her and yourself she would never have again - but you rooted to the floor, and in an instant, her eyes are on you filling with an emotion you can't place

before you know it, her strides are strong coating across the dance floor, leaving the girl who two minutes ago you were plotting to take home in the dust

she's by your side in an instant, and you want to run - you need to run, but you can't bring yourself to feel the spark you just got back draining faster than you can stop 

"Angel," her voice is loud but gentle over the music, and her words make your stomach churn Ellie and alcohol have always been a sour mix

"you don't get to call me that anymore" There's no gentleness in your words, no harshness, neither its matter of fact, which somehow hurts Ellie more than if you were to scream at her

"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, but it's months, and your all that's on my mind. I see it; okay, you're the one. I got caught up, and I lost sight of that," her voice is begging, a sound you used to adore but now just makes you want to vomit

you were the one

but she wasn't

"your right- I was. I was the one, Ellie, and we- use, this fuckin love was something, and if I got everything I wanted, it would've been you. It would've been sweet if you could've seen it was me all along, but you couldn't, and now I'm the one that got away, not the one you get to have"

whatever force that had been holding you there let go allowing you to walk out of that party prepared to finish the bleeding and move on to the growing.

[elslovers]

do y’all want chapter two of blood in blood out orrrrrr bc she’s ready

[elslovers]

comeback era?