hesheadingeast

[hesheadingeast]

Final Departure

I have more fear today, than at the edge of a 60 story ledge. The difference between yesterday's jump and today's is the unknown; yesterday, I felt the pull of gravity tug on me over the edge, pulling me down to a path and direction I could clearly see and quantify. But today, that future, that direction, that safety net no longer exists. This is my 110th entry into a city or place and it by far is the most scary. I know the metro, the exchange rate, the customs and language - but what I don't know is how to interact with this all over. There are no more Indian Rupees, no more Thai Baht, no more mysterious street meats, and no more logistics. I know NYC can just be like any other stop on my trip, a new city - but the contrast I already fear shakes my body. Shakes me with excitement, fear, anxiety. I fear fucking up my long drawn out relationship, I fear facing those friends who I don't consider friends any more, I fear showing uninterest in conversations that don't appeal to me any more. See it's not NYC that has changed or the people in NYC, but it's me - every molecule in me feels a change, a confidence and understanding for the larger picture. I don't want to change back. It's been nearly a full year, but the journey was not about the time away, it was what I did with it and how much I grew. I been to 33 countries made nearly 110 stops in cities all over, I have met so many beautiful people and spirits, learned how to rock climb, scuba dive, jump of buildings. I have seen how people of all walks of life live and go about their days. Architecture conventions never able to be taught in schools or at work. I have simply seen a lot and I can recall all of it. I sadly let this journal go for many months while I struggled to stay in the game, but I am so thankful I did. I had all these people at home motivating me (not to come back) - so I stuck to. At times I wish I stayed so detailed in updating my journal and all the events I have lived, but it became more important for me to live in those moments, than to look in the past or the future. My entire life was about living for a different moment, but after 8, no 9 months of traveling I finally can capture the moment, the feelings I'm having at this point. We always play cat and mouse with the future past and present. But what I learned most was to let go, embrace the now for the good or the bad because before you know it - it's gone. Those friends will leave, that sunset will pass, that meal will be devoured and the memories will fade. I am so grateful to be the person I am today, not just for what I saw or where I have been. But for what I learned, for what I will take with me back home and to any other place, be it east or west.

[hesheadingeast]

[mumbai, india] This place certainly didn't end like it started. It went from honking horns, dirt, grime, shit and chaos to this. Simple. Modern. Magnificent. - but that's India. It's the best of the best and the worst of the worst. Here you truly get a sense of power of the people. It's culturally mind blowing and the food is simply amazing. I will never forget those days on the train, or the countless festivals I encountered and the people both far and near. It's been an amazing 6 weeks. Certainly a place that can be 6 years. Stay tuned for where I go next... #hesheadingeast #nomad #nomadlife #vagabond #traveler #justabackpack #india #mumbai #memories #modern #architecture #arch #3dprinting #nerd #VSCOcam (at International Terminal T2, CSI Airport, Mumbai)

[hesheadingeast]

It's the night before Vipassana and I'm neither excited nor worried. Maybe I am just tired [it being 104 during the day quickly becomes exhausting]. Maybe I am unaware of what is about to happen to me. Maybe I am just ready. We met a man, who was the Indian version of me - he hoards old stuff aware of every story - but he looked at us and said we are 20 years too soon for Vipassana. For we haven't lived enough to look back and get answers. He expresses there is a fine moment between when one door closes and the next opens, and often we misjudge this timing do to fear, anxiety or uncertainty. It all made sense, and was honest and kind. But so much growth and change has happened in my life with in the last year and well I'm not looking to open or close and doors - rather I want to reflect and strengthen the passage I'm on. I want the next ten days to be about re-grounding my individuality, my insecurities and prepare me for my return home. I am about to return to an unknown of knowns. I will see the changes be unchanged. I will interact with the good and the bad. It will all come full circle. But I've not. I've gone in a linear progression. I've grown. Changed. See and done. It will be less than 4 weeks after this course until I return home. I am excited and scared more than I am for these next 10 days. But maybe home is just one more stop. Maybe it too is just apart of my travels and discovery and that this one year plan maybe is five, ten or my life.

One thing I have learned from Bobby is to let go. And that is what I have begun to do.

via https://dayone.me/1ygmzn7

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a time to reflect

19.03.15 day 297 [varansi, india]

So much was happening in Turkey - constantly on the move, constantly seeing, living, enjoying; chasing moments, people, documents...so having the time to look back beyond the now was limited. Then China, Korea, Japan; a constant fight to stay in the game and not go home. The battle was on, the weather was cold and the nights came early and well nights are the hardest when you are alone and with out company or sensual companions. I desperately wanted to go home. So I hid, I recoiled and withdrew. Two months of fighting turned into time for a change, and well it was the warmth and the sun that would call my name to Bangkok. A city so vast, so infused with life and chaos and fooooood! There I was able to get some life back in me, some warmth in my heart - a joy to hit the road again. 

There in Bangkok I was given the chance to explore the local side of the city by riding through the soi (side streets) that are often ignored, resulting in many a stares and giggles. But all was welcomed. I missed interacting with the locals. It was here I put down the technology, I let go of the past, the future and only was to focus on the now and mainly enjoying those morning iced lattes. I accepted that this blog had seen its day, seen its moments and well seen all that I could give it. So I put aside the time that I took to keep all this going and wanted to explore more, live more, breathe more. I traveled through the caves of north Thailand, through the rivers of the Mekong along Laos, hopped through the climates of Vietnam and returned back to where it all started on soi 4 in Bangkok. It was a complete circle; an eye opening circle. I gained a lot of great friends in this time as well as was joined by my love of my life who we battled through seeing how being a vagabond was, but only a few over night bus rides and the constant scheduling opened his eyes to a world far more than just the temples and the sunsets. For these breath taking views are a blessing backdrop to the amazing stories and memories that are made while traveling. 

It was at this point when I was about to lose everything; both send my bf packing back home and take on a new adventure here in India that I discovered I missed the sharing of my days, my memories and my typical chaos. I want to share what I see and what I learned, keep in touch with those I feel I have grown so far from. In fact I fear returning to those I once knew as friends. I fear I will be different and they the same. I fear I will fall back in to the same submissive roll as a friend, where I often get taken advantage of. But what I know about myself now, is that I will not stand for this. I have learned what friends are and what friends will do. I have seen over the course of almost 300 days, who in my life will stay and who will just continue on with out me. And I hope these days they have learned that too. 

I am full of so much right now - it has been two weeks here in India, I have already been in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have turned a year older, I have put myself out there and met far more people than I have ever tried to in my past. I have seen my growths and am proud that they have stuck with me. 

[hesheadingeast]

Data geniuses have figured out what the ultimate U.S. road trip looks like. 

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[jaipur, india] The color festival has poured down. Holi has been a great experience with new friends from afar and near! Happy to have celebrate in this beautiful city with some authentic fun (at Jaipur, Rajasthan)

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23.12.14 - day 210 [narita airport, japan]

 Not only have I upgraded but I downsized too - half the size [25L 7.5kg] and all my worldly possessions. One might vacation for a week and bring half their closet, but when gone for a year you grow to appreciate the value of what you do have and the simplicity of few possessions - I have gone from snowy days in Japan to humid days in Berlin and so much in between, yet only need a few things. Life isn’t about the objects we posses or the things we buy - but the memories and friends we make. (at Narita Airport - Terminal 2, Japan)

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13.12.14 - day 200 [new york, new york]

I cannot be happier then to bring this man breakfast from Japan on our one year anniversary - he has become the center of my life the direction of my future. It’s been an interesting year (seeing I have been gone for half), but so much in love and can’t wait to celebrate the years ahead together. I miss him and can’t wait to celebrate together. (at Khaosan Kyoto Theater)

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It’s moments like this that make me so thankful for traveling. Four days ago I wasn’t the person I am today and that is all because of these three #Canadians - true friends, great seouls and beautiful people. I wish them the best in their travels and that we all find each other in a perfect place like this. (at guesthouse, Itaewon, Seoul)

[hesheadingeast]

Family matters, right?

What is family? Are they supposed to be your supporters, your friends, your inspiration, your enemies, your most trusted, most reliable, closest? Well with the small family I have, sometimes I question what role we have in each others lives - when the holidays come we simply email wish lists around and sometimes be able to meet and come together, while others we stay apart and share a phone call. But when your only sister offers you to join her in China after years going by with minimal time to be together or actual one on one time, you don't batt an eyelash, you say 'yes'. So I began the process by taking my newly issued passport from the Indian Embassy right over to the Chinese Embassy in Ankara, Turkey...lesson learned - just fly to damn Hong Kong. But with a week of worrying and pre booked flights I got my passport returned with visa in hand a whopping 4 days before my flight was scheduled to skip half of the countries I had next on my agenda and go see my sister to finally have some time with her. 

Just in good old Kelly family over planning we landed within 15 minutes of each other and off we went catching up and zipping through what I saw as calm typical global traffic but for this texan girl, now raised on the highways of 10+ lanes it was scary, I found this to be cute and interesting to think of all the road conditions that I have seen and actually survived. The hills of Montenegro, the mayhem of turkish driving, biking along side the french, and the opposite side of traffic in cyprus, I guess after almost six months things begin to fear you less. - It was a good first day, we ventured out together, seeing the sights of Shanghai eating tasty dumplings over the fresh smell of geese turds - a true Chinese experience, we wondered a bit and I got to teach her my ways of finding our way around. In that afternoon we mapped the streets together dissevering where roads led, laughed and gagged over pressed pig face [later in my travels I found the non pressed pig face]. It was a great start to the next two and a half weeks!

As all big sis lil brother relations go, we have our moments and it only took until day two to realize how different we are - in my mind I have just traveled a third of the world to come see my sister and hang out with her while seeing things I have never imagined. However, she was there to work, to entertain with co-workers and others, and I struggled at first to realize that sometimes I would have to take a back seat, yes during the days, but even at night - yes even at night. These were all new frustrations and lessons to me, but shortly lived because by weeks end we were going to see some of the most amazing cities and landscapes and historical monuments in the history of the world, with no better person than my sister.

I swore more pictures were taken of us than we did of our surroundings, I mean we were in some of the most historic and highly traveled places in China and we were still being stopped to get our pictures taken, not once, not twice, but at least five times in one day -  it had to be the mothers all wanting to document my sisters blonde hair and my red mutton chops, a sight to be seen regardless of where one is. The best sight of going to Hangzhou, besides the nature, the temples and the water, was seeing this little girl, seven at most, fall asleep while her mother/older sister rode around on the bike. The look on her face as she tried to wake the younger girl while straddling the bike was priceless, she had no where to go or the young girl would just fall off. I couldn't help but giggle at the situation - I wonder if she is still there? 

No part of the trip was as memorable as the next week in Beijing. My sister, myself and her two awesome coworkers  took the bullet train through the foggy/polluted countryside, winding past rice and wheat fields for countless km as a constant 300 km/h was an additional thrill compared to my asses pace via bus. Beijing was a hell of a change from the westernized norms of Shanghai, it was far more 'authentic' and far more difficult for me to enjoy wandering around and trying to enjoy a culture that I clearly stood out in, but most days were spent touring around places like the Great Wall and Ming Dynasty Tombs along with the 'not so' Summer Palace, and the Lama temple, with the most stunning statue of Buddha I have ever seen.

It was a week of memories and emotions, it was great to have the time with her, I learned a lot about me - I learned a lot about her, but all I know that I want from this time, is more time. I have a great family, small, but great, and its a crime that we don't spend as much memorable time together as my sister and I did these few weeks. I got to climb the great wall of china with my sister! I flew and soared down the railings, something I would have never done alone, and all to look up and see her laugh and her enjoyment made me remember the much younger days we had when we were good friends. I will forever be so thankful for this week and her inviting me out to China, even now that I am freezing my ass off and wishing I was where I was supposed to be, this detour has made me experience and learn far more than I would have staying on course. 

[hesheadingeast]

I am still working on deciding, but I never stop searching.

[hesheadingeast]

06.11.14 - day 164 [dubai, uae]

Things are all about to change now. I am really going in a direction besides east, that I was not expecting to discover, interact with or to encounter, but I got on the plane - and once again took off for a new destination that I am highly underprepared for. Today I put behind my past and my knowledge of how I think things work to embrace and embark on a new culture that is very much set in their way. 

[hesheadingeast]

05.11.14 - day 162 [istanbul, turkey]

There were three days left between me and China, my month in Turkey was coming to an end - I sadly missed my opportunity to buy that turkish rug and to learn how to count to twenty, but one thing I was not going to let pass by was the chance to eat my chicken pudding one more time - tuvak göğsü. Well in fact I wasn't going to miss out on eating everything one last time - these three days were spent on the Asia Side of Turkey - I got my chance to experience the traditional side of the Old City and the rebellious side of Taxsim, but now, it was time for some legit turkish living. 

In Kadiköy, it is flooded with markets, street food and university students just moving about living life as a youth in turkey, and well I got right in there and just wandered amongst them, eating what they ate, buying what they bought [well I only bought what the little old ladies bought - but thats how I shop in a market]. It was a great place, somewhere where a week would not be enough. I have spent a month now in Turkey, and oddly I didn't want to leave, there was so much more to learn and to see and to understand. I wanted to know it all, with the occasional salad would be nice, but I will take it however its severed.

I will miss Turkey, you were my home for a month, and will forever be a place I will come back to, I have learned so much, tasted so much, and been opened up to so much that I never knew I would get to feel, like tear gas. But I am thankful I got to end my days here in Turkey in the same place I started - Istanbul. 

For the end was as chaotic as the beginning - but thats how Istanbul rolls. Crazy, loud, unique, but beautiful and mesmerizing. 

[hesheadingeast]

03.11.14 - day 161 [nicosia, cyprus]

There was no better place to end my Turkish adventure than flying to Cyprus and visiting the Turkish side of a country that is so divided and confused that you need your passport to get from one side of the city to the next, but yet is only officially recognized by Turkey as being a divided state. Six years ago, I started my desire to travel and explore by visiting my best friend for my 21st birthday in the oddest of places, Nicosia, Cyprus. This was the first trip I ever took alone and out of the country. I am not sure why it wasn't London, or Paris, or Mexico like every other college kid, but I as different and 'special' as always took a trip to the edges of the Middle East. 

What was different about this visit besides staying with the most beautiful, caring and hospitable hosts [last minute of course] I could have imagined, was the opportunity to revisit a site that I feared six years ago. When I approached the boarder between the Greek and Turkish side of Cyprus, I was so out of my suburban middle class - white picket fence bubble that I was in awe and fear of everything unknown. 

We crossed over [me and six girls] all clueless on how to get to our destination, but we did and we succeeded, but the domis ride, and the asking for directions and keeping the fingers crossed we were heading the right way struck excitement in my soul, now I am accustomed to these sketchy buses and possibly paying a little extra - I have learned the tricks of the trade and how to get my way. But six years ago, we were at the mercy of the game.

I didn't once step foot on the Greek side of Nicosia or Cyprus for that matter, I stuck to the turkish way of living and sadly missed my hourly glass of çay and not so delightful turkish delights, but was an eye opening lesson to see what has remained and what was changed due to the european conflict. When you are in Turkey - you live and eat like a Turk, here one day you can and the other you don't have to. It's different. 

My good friend Cain - was a wonderful tour guide, showing me around and giving me is inside [get me the fuck out of here] perspective on Cyprus. This lead me to my new found wonder of the world, my new thesis, my new let me live here and understand wtf happened - the town of Maraş. Completely abandoned post war, never repaired and only surrounded by guards, barbed wire fences and signs of no pictures. This beach front property could be as long as South Beach, with hotel and ex resorts just towering in the distance - looking more like limbo in the movie Inception - personally I was baffled, architecturally I was inspired, hungry, curious and interested. This is the place to learn and understand and re-invent. But clearly something is going on that is not supposed to be known. But should that matter? God dammit - once again governments fucking up.

Thankfully I got to see and experience and see Cain, even if all of this was just to escape taking one more bus back to Istanbul. 

[hesheadingeast]

31.10.14 - day 158 [ankara, turkey]

This is the last place I wanted to have to spend the majority of my time in Turkey, but oddly its one of the few places that I learned so much from. Ankara is certainly seen as the wound of Turkey, both for its attractions and for its politics - this capital is noticeably the most undesirable place to live/visit/pass through in all of Turkey - yet we all seemingly have to go there at some point. But the magic here did not lie in the attractions, the night life, or the crazy amount of guns in this highly fascist/nationalistic capital. It is the people that keep people here - friends. You step one block off the main streets of government owned bull shit and fear and you see so much life, energy and passion. 

There is a labyrinth of people opening the doors, hearts and hands to you - its incredible. It incredible to witness the clash between society and government, because here in Ankara, they are neighbors, just sitting on the porch giving the "f" you to one another. Sometimes the people win, sometimes the government gains control, but there is this clash and respect/disrespect that I have never so blatantly seen before. It is an unreal reality. 

I feel for those who make their living here, or who are here for education or for any reason, but once again, I am conflicted - for I am jealous their connections, friendships and lovers are so important and meaningful - an element that does not exist in NYC, for that is a jungle of temporary meaning; we all come and go, we are have our purpose and use. And it kills me, but what is better?

Living in a city where you can't be you and you live under someone else's rule?

or

Living the dream and being who you are where and when ever, but living a revolving live of 

- Conflict. 

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29.10.14 - day 156 [ephesus, turkey]

I believe we have hit the mecca of tourism and tour groups, this is one of the most incredible and historic ancient sights in existence, but I could not get past the weaving crowds of photo taking tour groups all blasting the same google search results in every language, but mainly Chinese, going from tour marker to the next. 

It quickly brought me back to the days of Athens while visiting the Parthenon, as i regressed with disgust as I watched people disrespectfully climb, smoke and leave rubbish behind on some of the most ancient wonders of the modern world. But I did my best to focus through the crowds and appreciate the main wonderment of ancient architecture. The scale. The scale that for modern times is mammoth - yet alone when all they could do is chip away at stone and stack stories high to impress as well as show dominance over the land. A part of me is so frustrated I cannot to build like that and be around [even to be the one that builds] these monuments. I feel so distant as an architect now a days, everything is catalogued and specced, nothing is figured out for yourself or hands-on. It is the old souls of me coming out, but the modern world needs to learn some lessons for how things were done originally - there was craft, passion and drive.

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28.10.14 - day 155 [pamukkale, turkey]

Water, lack of water, tourists, stereotyping, and amphitheaters. Well that summarizes this world heritage site. It truly is an amazing place, and massive to boot, which makes me wonder why people only give Pamukkale an afternoon to tour. But when you look up on this hill side and see nothing but glimmering white you wonder if its natural or man made, because even after going to see a reflective lake of salt this doesn't make sense! But in all glory it was magnificent and some what warm, but what we did learn was that at the end of tourist season they control the water flow so only a select few of the pools that line the entrance remain flowing with the most clear, reflective water, when we got to the top, we took a moment to take in the view - but as typical americans 

we preferred to stereotype the western europeans [thin and practically nude] to the eastern europeans [not so thin and still practically nude] to the asians [away from the water posing at a hundred poses per minute with their long selfie sticks], then the conservative muslim women [debating if they should remove their socks or not] and then back on us [realizing how we were awful people for doing this]. So we quickly got dressed and decided to move on to making even more humor of the dry situation - we decided to attempt in the making of a perfect sarah mclachlan donate and help psa to raise money for the dry pools of Pamukkale. 

Once beyond the silly play of the hot pools, we went to explore several of the ruins - but my architectural nerd came out and I wanted to see one thing only, the amphitheater. Something about the pure design - both aesthetically and functionally make me wish we could build to that detail, precision and scale today but with a more personal touch rather than the cold and calculated structures we have towering above our heads today. I could have spent hours inspecting each rock and constriction method I could get my hands on, trying to understand how each rock got there and what dimension it was taken from. It was all about the people and the function back in the days, not about the pushing the limits of the materials, but creating epic structures for the people and then figuring out how to do it. Now that is architecture!! 

But the day was getting hot, and we wanted to be fed, so back down throughout the path of rude stereotypes we went towards the final destination: gözleme.