#ipv mention

[tamathena]

If your reaction to bisexual women being frustrated about the way we are talked about and treated by some lesbians in the community is to bring up the rates at which bi women face IPV/DV and then blame us for it and say that "Bi women put themselves in those situations", you're legit a victim blaming piece of shit and I think you should get hit by a bus

[bisexual-coala]

People on twitter are saying we bisexuals don't face any issues/biphobia isn't real. When we show them our IPV and SA rates (just to show them some biphobia we face) and show how bisexuals have them the highest, they started saying "bi women date men more so of course it happens" (we love victim blaming /s) When we tell them that straight women would have them the highest if it was just about dating men, they start saying that we bi women deserve it. It's biphobia at it's finest

[daddyd0nt]

My best friend from college’s ex wife cheated on him and when he called her on it she pushed him down a flight of stairs and smashed glass ornaments over his face, got him arrested for DV for the marks he left trying to stop the attack, and while he was in holding she let her cats into his beloved guinea pig enclosure and let them murder all 6 of them and then spammed his phone with pictures of the aftermath and now has a protection order against him for her and the child (who isn’t his) that he spend more than half a decade helping her raise so he has to mourn the loss of his daughter too, she pretty much drove him out of town with her lies he had to move back to his hometown because 3 separate occasions he was jumped for “hitting a woman” (which he NEVER did, he left small finger-sized bruises on her sternum from pushing her off of him and that was the ONLY “violence” on his end) but if you really don’t believe that women can abuse men you are NOT an ally to the abused.

[g4yr4t]

like honestly my lack of suitors makes me feel like a repulsive creature thing who will never be loved and like I should've stayed with the ex who tried to kill me and just Made Things Work

I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life 🙃

[clare-with-no-i]

coupling Michael Fassbender, an actor with a documented history of domestic abuse, with Carey Mulligan, an actress whose most recent starring role was a — however ham-handed — film about the lack of societal accountability for abusers and predators, is such a caricature of itself I can’t even begin

[queerbauten]

That recent copypasta about the treatment of Anne Boleyn’s corpse has been rubbing me the wrong way, and I was only this morning able to articulate why:

People are acting like the potential indignities against Anne’s body are completely unimaginable, which is an insult to Henry VIII’s other victims (of all genders)… especially Katheryn Howard.

We know full well what could have been done to Anne’s body. If you’re going to pretend to care about historical women, go the extra mile and, you know… actually care.

[meguwumibear]

tw: mentions of intimate partner violence (NOT between togame and reader), reader has a black eye as a result of the IPV

The streets of the city come alive at night. There’s a buzzing in the air that isn’t present in the morning. Shops and restaurants turn on their bright, neon signs that thrum audibly with electricity. People move about chatting and laughing with each other about the latest workplace scandal or other idol gossip.

The streets are crowded tonight too, despite the weather. Thick, heavy drops of rain fall from the dark night sky, pattering against the soft awning you’re crouched under. The storm came on suddenly; the weathermen didn’t predict it. When you ran out into the night, you did so without your shoes let alone an umbrella.

Absentmindedly, you picked your way towards the nearest convenience store, planning on buying something frozen to ice your eye with. A pint of ice cream, most likely. Two birds one stone or what not.

Problem is not only are you without your shoes or umbrella, you’ve left your wallet at his house too. After he raised his hand at you–not for the first time–you simply ran from his apartment as fast as your legs could carry you. His temper has always been bad, but it’s gotten much worse these days. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of it anymore.

A blast of cold air hits you as the convenience store’s automatic doors slide open. You don’t pay any mind to the man who walks out until he joins you under the awning. He too, it seems, is without an umbrella.

It doesn’t take long for you to get the feeling the man is looking at you. Just your fucking luck. Got away from one asshole only to have to deal with another. You look up at him and shoot him the meanest glare you can manage. Soaked through as you are, you figure it doesn’t amount to much.

“Ouch,” is all he says, staring directly at the growing shiner your (ex) boyfriend gifted you with. “Hope you returned the favor.”

“Tsk,” you huff with a roll of your eyes, “do I look like a fighter to you?”

The man continues to look at you through a pair of yellow tinted shades. After a moment passes, he shrugs. “Looks can be deceiving. You’d be surprised.”

It’s then you notice the orange jacket the man is wearing. Two twin lions embroidered on the breasts of the jacket.

Shishitoren.

Shit.

You look away.

If you don’t engage with the guy, maybe he’ll just up and leave you the hell alone. You stare at his sandalled feet, tracing the rigids of the shoes with your eyes to distract yourself from the fact that the guy is still fucking staring at you.

When the dude finally looks away, it’s to root around in one of his bags for who knows what. There’s a rustling sound as the guy picks through the plastic. When his hand emerges again, it’s holding a can of soda.

“For the shiner,” he adds when you don’t immediately reach for the can. “Gotta ice it so it doesn’t puff up.”

Fuck, why can’t the guy just leave you well enough alone? You gingerly take the soda from him, nodding your thanks, though your eyes don’t leave his toes. Is it possible the man recognizes you? It’s possible he passed pics of you around the gang.

You press the perspiring aluminum against your cheek and focus on the cold radiating from the can. You really should head back to your apartment. You haven’t really put much distance between you and him.

There’s quiet hum above you before the man lowers himself to a crouch in front of you. It’s harder to ignore him now he’s this close to you. Can’t the motherfucker take a hint?

“Can I see?” he asks.

“Why.”

He shrugs, “Had my fair share of black eyes. Just wanna assess the damage for ya.”

An exacerbated huff escapes you. Dude’s either the dumbest man in Japan or intent on ignoring social cues. Either way, fastest way to get away from him is to let him give you a once over. So you do. You drop the can from your face and briefly try to meet his gaze. It’s gentler than you expect it to be.

Your eyes find the orange of his jacket again. You stare at the dark threads of the embroidered lion’s eyes. A hand raises, moves towards your injured cheek, and you flinch away.

The man curses under his breath and tears you didn’t even realize you were holding back begin to fall.

“Who did this to you,” the man asks, voice hard and firm. When you turn to face him again, there’s something in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

“What’s it matter?” you sigh. “Your kind protect their own.”

The man’s fingers ball into tightly clenched fists at his side. His hands are huge and scarred at the knuckles. They’re hands that have known violence. When he notices your eyes drift to them, he makes a visible effort to unclench them.

“Name,” the man repeats, struggling to keep the urgency out of his voice. Then, “Please.”

The next time you see Togame, he’s tossing the jacket of your ex into your lap.

“I don’t protect woman beaters,” he says. Followed by, “Would you like to go for dinner? I’m starved.”

[evidence-based-activism]

You might want to see this https://www.tumblr.com/theonlykeyismine/754151626251616256/cheshireinthemiddle-theonlykeyismine?source=share The back and forth are kind of long, so I understand if you don't want to respond or give any opinion on it, I just think you might be interested!

Hi! It was interesting, thank you! But, you're right that it's very long, so I'm going to go ahead and respond here and tag the participants.

So, @cheshireinthemiddle you are incorrect and I have (literally) hundreds of sources saying so. Read below for details.

@theonlykeyismine I hope you don't mind me jumping into this conversation! (You conceded to a couple (widely disseminated) inaccuracies that I thought you may be interested in having the proof to refute!) Otherwise your responses were great!

---

Domestic Abuse

The first and third section on (sourced) this post explains men are the primary abusers (and not women) in in domestic relationships. It also explains why some "research" appears to suggest the opposite. (The broad strokes summary is the the measurement being used to show "equality" in abuse rates -- the CTS -- is deeply flawed.) Finally, it explains how there is absolutely no evidence that men under-report abuse more than women or that crimes by women get taken less seriously.

The CDC data specifically: (1) You are attempting to draw prevalence estimates from the 12-month rates instead of the life time rates. This is a problem because the 12-month rates are significantly less stable; that is, they vary significantly more from year-to-year than the lifetime rates and are therefore not useful for this purpose. (2) The CDC data on intimate partner violence is -- unfortunately -- based on the same flawed measure as I mentioned above.

To illustrate, their "2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence" report [1] shows women are:

1.5 times as likely to have experienced IPV "with impact"

3 times more likely have been "fearful" and 4.3 times as likely to have been "concerned for their safety"

2.6 times as likely to have been sexually assaulted by their partner (and between ~3-21 times as likely to have been raped, depending on your definition and how you deal with the CDC's limited reporting categories)

4 times as likely to have been "choked", 3.5 times as likely to have been "slammed against something", and 3 times as likely to have been "beaten"

3.4 times as likely to have received a serious physical injury, 2.5 times as likely to report a moderate physical injury, and 2.5 times as likely report "mental or emotional harm"

3.2 times as likely to have needed medical care

4-10 times as likely to have "needed help" from a various victim services

I highlight all of this to exemplify (one of the reasons) why the CTS is not a good measure for domestic abuse. Despite supposedly showing "equality" in abuse rates, closer evaluation shows that women are experiencing significantly more harm than men.

Beyond that substantial research has shown that women's violence is primarily responsive (this includes self-defense and preventative violence). In most cases with a police response, women who are the "suspect" in an initial incident will later be determined to be the primary victim, whereas men who are the "victim" in an initial incident will later be determined to be the primary aggressor/abuser. [2-4] (This is result of a concept called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.)

I discuss in this post how almost all male perpetrators of intimate partner homicide (IPH) murdered their female partner as an act of extreme abuse; whereas most female perpetrators of IPH were acting in self defense. To highlight this consider the fact that, following the introduction of no-fault divorce female perpetrated IPH has declined by 60%; this decline was not matched by male perpetrators. This suggests that men are murdering their female partners out of desire to control them, whereas women kill their male partners to escape them (and take other avenues to escape whenever they can).

Also note here, that women are substantially more likely have needed help from a victim service (including abuse shelters). Given that women have a much higher demand for these services, it makes sense that there are substantially more shelters for women.

An additional (extremely important) point is that women are not responsible for fixing men's problems. Women created domestic abuse shelters -- as a grassroots movement, with substantial legal and institutional opposition, without government funding -- for female victims of violence. Men can make their own resources. (And despite all this, many women's shelter do actually serve men as well, some are "gender neutral", some direct them towards another resources (another shelter) that can help, or even by using funds to place them in a motel/hotel. Not to mention that several male-only domestic violence shelters have been opened by women.)

---

Child Abuse

The same sourced post as before explains how women do not abuse children more than men. This is a widely spread MRA myth, and completely false.

The study linked, ("Filicide: a comparative study of maternal versus paternal child homicide") ... is not attempting to determine prevalence rates. It doesn't support the assertion that women kill children more at all. (Even if it somehow were establishing a prevalence rate ... the number of male and female killers would be roughly equal according to the study. And so once you adjust for "time spent" with the children, men would be vastly more likely to commit child homicide. But, again, it's not actually attempting to establish a prevalence rate.)

This report by the UN [5] highlights many important points:

When the perpetrator of child homicide is a parent, men and women are make up a roughly equivalent proportion of offenders.

The above is despite the fact that women spend significantly (over double, depending on the location and activities measured) more time with children. If adjusted for exposure rate, women would be significantly less likely to kill a child in their care.

However, when the perpetrator is not a parent (~40% of the time) the vast majority of perpetrators was male.

Overall, this means men make up significantly more child homicide perpetrators than women. And this difference is even more substantial once adjusted for time spent with the child.

Not to mention: "The fatal abuse of children mostly involves male perpetrators." (This is the type of child homicide you are likely thinking of. Other categories include things like homicide as a result of severe mental health issues (like postpartum psychosis) and child abandonment/neonaticide (a type of homicide that is specifically addressed via expanded abortion access, anonymous birthing laws, safe haven laws, etc. rather than the standard abuse prevention approaches).)

---

Sexual Assault

This post talks about the CDC's reasons for separating out different categories of rape and legal definitions; it also enumerates how, no matter how you define rape, vastly more women than men have been raped.

This post is a recent intriguing study about how "men underestimate and women overestimate their own sexual violence".

Notably, the social advances that have made rape definitions gender neutral/added additional crimes to the legal code that expanded the types of punishable sexual assaults were made by feminists.

---

Other

Public Perception: This post discusses how social media views on female/male victims and female/male perpetrators are broadly the same (in terms of positive/negative views), with some specific differences in how these views are expressed. It also links to two posts that discuss how, when asked directly, community samples express broad support for both male and female victims (and condemnation for both male and female perpetrators).

Patriarchy: Here's a post describing some central aspects of the patriarchy in today's (high income) countries.

Racism: Here's a post describing why your "men = black people" comparison is not only factually incorrect/inconsistent but rooted in racism.

---

The rest of the claims made by the MRA in that post are un-sourced (and several were strikingly outlandish). To the MRA, if you've read this far, if you engage with this post, I will expect actual engagement with sources.

References below the cut:

Leemis R.W., Friar N., Khatiwada S., Chen M.S., Kresnow M., Smith S.G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K.C. (2022).The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence.Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Henning, K., Renauer, B., & Holdford, R. (2006). Victim or Offender? Heterogeneity Among Women Arrested for Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Family Violence, 21(6), 351–368. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-006-9032-4

Bair-Merritt, M. H., Crowne, S. S., Thompson, D. A., Sibinga, E., Trent, M., & Campbell, J. (2010). Why do women use intimate partner violence? A systematic review of women’s motivations. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 11(4), 178–189. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838010379003

Hamberger, L. K., & Larsen, S. E. (2015). Men’s and Women’s Experience of Intimate Partner Violence: A Review of Ten Years of Comparative Studies in Clinical Samples; Part I. Journal of Family Violence, 30(6), 699–717. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-015-9732-8

UNODC, Global Study on Homicide 2019 (Vienna, 2019)

[daddyd0nt]

Just had a really intense conversation with my mom where she talked about her trauma and how my dad is abusing her and i told her id support her if she left and there was crying and now i have to take a fistful of kpins because Im pretty sure my parents are going to divorce and my dad is a fucking scary heavily armed person who very well might snap and kill us all if she goes through with it. Wouldn't it be creepy if this post wound up doxxing me to my family after my story hit the TCC? I told her Id support her in anything she did and she was always welcome to stay with me and she says all her friends want her to leave and yesterday she called my dad's bluff and went to my birthday dinner without him since he was throwing a tantrum and I told her "it means more to me that you stood up for yourself than having him there would have" but also I feel horrible for my dad he's like a child and hes an alcoholic and opiate addict (he has chronic pain from a construction accident) and he did NOT think she was going to leave without him when I talked to him last night he was like crying and apologizing and saying hed take me wherever I wanted to go and like im SO proud of my mom for leaving without him but I also am proud of him for staying home if he knew he couldn't control his behavior in public so as not to contaminate my birthday with his meltdown I love both my parents so so much but I know my dad is an abuser (and i know i make a lot of excuses for him but when hes not being an abuser, which is most of the time, hes one of the funniest most charming most lovable people I know and I worry that he wouldn't be okay without her and Id probably have to help him learn to cook which would just turn into me cooking for him and Id get pulled in as surrogate wife in every way but sexually but I didn't say that to my mom because I don't want that to stop her from leaving.) She said her line was if he ever hit her shed leave and hes never hit her but hes emotionally tortured her for 30 years and shes started going to therapy and realizing for the first time as a christian republican woman that she has more identity than being a mother/daughter/wife and shes finding her own identity and setting boundaries and I love her so much

[watermelinoe]

Do you feel as though most lesbians on radblr (not all of course) are… you know? Like.. they progressively become more and more biphobic after months or years of being decent. I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense, but first it was the 22v6 girl, then normallesbian, then menalez, and now heterophobicdyke too.. i know there are more examples but i’m just getting tired of the biphobia on here.. ☹️

honestly i don't think of this as a lesbian problem. afaik 22v6 wasn't a lesbian. i can't really speak on the other users you mentioned bc i don't follow them, i've seen some of the behavior i'm about to describe from some of them but they don't come to mind when i'm thinking of some of the worst things i've seen on here.

radblr in general just has an accountability issue. someone will say something biphobic (or homophobic! afaik that woman who made that homophobic pastor comparison remade and carried right along) and some people will express disapproval, but most will ignore it or try to downplay it and they'll keep interacting with that user. i'll use heterophobicdyke as an example since she's deactivated, but someone in her inbox was complaining that bi women "whine" about our rape and dv statistics, and in her response she completely brushed past it, zero acknowledgement of that being a fucked up thing to say. that's one typical radblr response. downplaying is another. but the worst imo is being accused of being manipulative.

so if we complain about being called dickmunchers on here, we may be told it's just "venting" and to log off and get real problems, but if we mention said real problems (rape and ipv statistics as well as substance abuse and mental illness statistics) then we must be weaponizing those statistics to play the victim in the great lesbian vs bisexual war that we've all been drafted in i guess. bi women are all master manipulators, obviously.

so where does that shit come from? imo, not radblr.

most deranged shit being said about bi women can be traced back to this blackpilled thing. radblr's biggest problem is that instead of saying "hey that's a deranged thing to say," the gyns are more annoyed with bi women for ~making a big deal out of it~ when WE say "hey that's a deranged thing to say." i can make a post documenting some deranged thing someone said and the two responses i will get are: "this is based actually and i hope your nigel kills you" <- some blackpill weirdo orbiting radblr who assumes i'm male-partnered, and "log off if you don't like it" "that's not a radfem" (bonus points if it's about a user that radfems regularly reblog from) <- radfems

and that's not a lesbian thing, the root is just that no one here thinks bisexuality is an oppressed sexual minority. kind of ironic for the "we totally understand class analysis" group. but if it seems worse than before, i think that's because the blackpill thing is sort of in vogue rn, especially with edgy teenagers orbiting radblr.

it would be nice if more women on here would actually stand up for bi women instead of finding a million excuses not to do so. that's what i find frustrating, personally. but it also happens with racism and homophobia all the time. i know it doesn't seem like it bc we have conflict all the fuckin time, but i actually think radblr is overall conflict-avoidant to a fault.

[pretty-weird-ideas]

Trauma Porn vs Representing Black Struggle in IWTV

TW: Domestic Violence (Focus) Rape (mentioned 1x)

Spoilers for the IWTV AMC Series

I think a lot of the distraught or incredibly positive reactions to Episode 5 of IWTV’s ending from black fans is because of the noticeable lack of genuine representation of black IPV let alone black queer people facing IPV at all. So not only was the scene without a trigger warning and absolutely out of nowhere (with of course the obvious foreshadowing and Lestat’s abusive behavior setting it up) but it was something that has barely been done for mainstream genre TV.

So as a black fan, seeing violence towards black people (trauma porn) is certainly not new to me... but seeing black queer people’s stories focus on IPV is something that I haven’t seen. It leaves me incredibly conflicted in ways that cannot be transcribed.

Genre TV, media in general, and even reality has an obsession with whitewashing (pun unintended) IPV towards black people unless it’s specifically meant to degrade us and utilize racist stereotypes. Rarely ever does IPV towards queer black people get spoken about in real life, let alone in fiction. So for a story to just be for real for a hot minute about that topic is both disturbing and jaw dropping.

I oscillate between “I can’t believe they would ever put this on TV” and “I’m so glad that they made this a plotline because nobody talks about this,”. IPV perpetrated by white people towards their black partners especially from a historical context is not talked about. And it certainly is not the focus of period pieces or literature as often as it should be.

This is even being taken away from us TODAY in history books; centuries of rape and domestic violence from the slave trade to Jim Crow is being censored RIGHT NOW. This is not isolated behavior.

And to see white IWTV fans sidestep this entirely back during the final stretch of season one to complain that having Lestat (who canonically abused Louis in other ways) assault Louis somehow ruined LESTAT’S character and THEIR SHIP. While completely sidestepping what themes they were intending and got across (you know like genuine media literacy) and the onscreen brutalization that happened without warning is disgusting.

Being able to cherry pick quotes and argue about whether or not slapping is “DV” is not only gross but it’s just not media literacy. That’s literacy... like good job bestie you can read! But it’s certainly doesn’t mean you have the range or comprehension to understand the intended themes of Episode 5 at all. And until white people begin to understand the nuances of being a black person being abused by a white person who holds power over you, it’s going to continue being out of reach.

It’s one thing to dislike it’s inclusion, because I also agree. But I’ve noticed that The Great Lestat Discourse TM has become the discussion rather than the perspective of how white supremacy aided in perpetuating domestic violence and the choice to show gory and unflinching physical abuse without a trigger warning.

White fans being disingenuous and asking Louis to fade into the background until Lestat (the white character) becomes the focus for TVL. While constantly mocking and ignoring the concept of IPV towards black people makes the point for me as to why this was an interesting and purposeful direction to head in. IPV is so ignored that when IWTV includes it, fans went out of their way to argue whether or not their favorite white boy would DARE TO DO THIS, and not why the writers did this and what they were attempting to say. IPV and queer victims of abuse are so ignored that after this happened people started making posts talking about APOLOGIZING TO A FICTIONAL LESTAT for writers “slandering” him! Discussions about abuse in interracial relationships during Jim Crow are so far ignored that people started to publicly doubt that actual domestic violence in interracial relationships existed at all! So badly that the writers had to come out and say that they wouldn’t make Louis “not the victim” when recontextualizing episode 5.

[shoukiko]

Hi, you can keep this unanswered and not post it, but I want to help you understand the thought behind some of the points in your criticism post. Before I start I want to apologise if I come off as blunt and rude, that's not my intention and I'll try my best to show my tone as unthreatening but I'm autistic and not a native English speaker, which complicates things lol

*general you used throughout the ask

First, I want to start with this: they all are part of the army. You don't need to dig much to see you'll rarely see a "morally upstanding" person in the army, be it because they're cheaters, abusers, compliant with all that or they're (insert -ist/-phobe category here). UK military spouses are 3 times more likely to experience intimate partner violence (IPV). I'm not saying the COD characters need to be written like that, but it wouldn't be "unrealistic" if we take real life statistics into account.

Second, and maybe the most important thing, everyone writes COD characters OOC. The majority of the active fandom on Tumblr and tiktok have seen gifs and 10min out of context clips from the game at best. It's to be expected to not frequently find something actually in character for a lot of the guys. Especially with characters that are just operators like König, Nikto and Krueger. In their case everything is and isn't OOC at the same time because we just... Don't know these characters. We lack characterisation past maybe 1-3 traits about them. I'd argue that's why the fandom liked König so much, other than being masked, he's the perfect paper doll! You can dress him up in whatever characterisation you want and it probably won't contradict his canon (because he barely has one and what he has is quickly misinterpreted (anxiety disorder turning into shyness for example)).

Now specifically on your "How are you going to hc a victim as the abuser?" - simple, whether you like to accept it or not is up to you, but it's not far fetched for victims to become abusers later in life. Just look at serial killers statistics - 74% of US serial killers were psychologically abused and 42% were physically abused as children and later in life followed a similar pattern brought to an extreme. Or on the other hand, a tamer example would be generational trauma because that's how we get that (grandparent was abused and because that's all they know, they implement it in bringing up their child who, for the same reason, implements it in bringing up the grandchild and so on).

The final thing I want to say is, it's good to block people who you don't vibe with. Doesn't matter if it's because they wrote something that personally disturbed you or you simply don't like their blog theme or you see them too often in the tag. Personally curating your experience is key in fandom, utilise the tools Tumblr has given us. Of course as you and others have mentioned that's impossible without some assistance from the other side. Tagging is extremely important (tagging with the correct words without censoring!!! Or the filter won't catch! Rape, noncon, incest ✅; r@pe, n*nc*n, 1nc*st ✖️✖️).

I hope this isn't too messy or long aaaa

I really appreciate you taking the time to type this up and actually speak to me about this, your input is very appreciated. /gen

I do think I could've done better on that post since I wrote it in the heat of the moment, all characters are written OOC and it was ignorant of me to say

"Maybe read the characters backstories and actually take their past into consideration because you guys kinda look dumb for making these characters so OOC."

I hope ya'll can really take the time to see my POV, I did not mean. any harm, I've come across some gross things, but blocking and filtering tags so much as begun to be tiring.

My main issue is tagging, without tagging I am left with getting triggered by random posts because the first few sentences may include something on my trigger list.

That's all I want and also what a lot of other people want.

Writing is meant for anyone and everyone, a form of art and perhaps a for of therapy.

Please tag your work, you are not the only person on the internet.

Thank you for reading!

[queerbauten]

I will say, though, that the "official" reason this person thinks there was any violence is due to the following lyric from "Sweetheart Come":

"And if he touches you again with his stupid hands His life won’t be worth living"

"He"... is meant to be Erin. Apparently.

One time, a Nixa shipper told me they thought Erin Bargeld might have once physically assaulted Blixa. They had absolutely no real evidence for it; it was just a "theory" they had.

They wanted to codify their ship by falsely and baselessly accusing someone of intimate partner violence.

Anyway, when I say some of y'all have a problem with misogyny and racism, this is, like, the apex of what I mean.

[odessa-castle]

NLTS might just be one of my favorite fics of all time. The characterizations, the banter, the tension - it's all 10/10 (and I loooove all the little nods to Shakespeare).

Your Cazador is truly menacing and has such a looming presence for a character who doesn't appear much on the page. You mentioned in an earlier ask that you deliberately built Cazador and Astarion's dynamic on the emotional language of intimate partner violence (which I think is so heartbreakingly accurate). If you feel comfortable, could you talk a little more about that choice, why you made it, and/or how it shaped your writing?

Beyond excited for part two!!

Thank you so much! NLTS has come to mean a lot to me, and I'm glad this story means something to other people, too.

As far as Cazador and Astarion's dynamic and IPV goes, I think I did mention in the tags that I had a lot to say on the subject, and I do, but I'm going to put it under a cut for fairly obvious reasons. Read on at your discretion.

So! Vampires. You can do a lot of things with vampires, and with the sire-childe relationship in particular. I'm not going to do a whole scholarly review here or anything, but suffice to say that it is inherently, to some degree, a relationship based on power and control, and the transgressive nature -- the blurring of boundaries between parent and lover, the interplay between sex and death, etc. -- is part of the horror and part of the appeal. Also, biting is sex, and the issues of consent arising from the former are extrapolated onto the latter. Again, there's a lot of room to play with metaphor here, depending on the story you want to tell, but if it's not kinda fucked up, then why even bother?

Astarion and Cazador's relationship is likewise one where a number of different lenses can come into play, depending on what you're interested in exploring. I do think one of the draws of Astarion's story is the way that it takes certain conventions that pop up around vampires and strips the layer of metaphor away -- Astarion's sexual abuse is explicitly a part of his story in a way that I (and many others) didn't expect to see presented so frankly. And I knew I wanted to do some of that metaphor-stripping myself when I wrote this.

The fantasy/supernatural elements let you really go to some extremes when you're writing about Astarion's abuse, and Cazador is awful enough that almost any horror you can come up with is something he'd plausibly do to Astarion. And there are some evil geniuses in this fandom. The things I've seen people do with torture and body horror, with mind control, with sheer sexual depravity -- chef's kiss. I love you guys. I don't think that's where my strengths as a writer necessarily lie, though, and it wasn't quite what I wanted in terms of either theme or tone for this story. I wanted both Wyll's and Astarion's loneliness and low self-worth to be grounded in something really emotionally recognizable, in part so they could recognize these things in each other, and I wanted to show off the...quieter moments of their trauma, almost. The critical voices they've internalized; their self-censoring and self-deprecation; the things they've normalized that really shouldn't be normal, actually.

I'm not going to get too deep into the nature of my interest in IPV. Suffice to say that I have both personal and professional experience in that area, and that like all artists, I bring pieces of myself into the things I create. What I can say is that I don't think I've ever encountered an IPV survivor who didn't experience some form of emotional abuse as part of that power and control relationship, and that a lot of survivors have talked about how that can be the hardest thing to recover from, because it gets so deep inside your head. It warps the way you view yourself; it distorts the way you see the world. You carry your abuser's voice with you, whether or not they're there. And it's not easy to make it go away. It's not easy to make the emotional conditioning go away, to disentangle the survival mechanisms you've had to develop once you no longer actually need them to survive. These things hold true with, like, basically every form of ongoing abuse, they're not necessarily unique to IPV, but they're a big part of IPV nonetheless. (And they're certainly things we see from a lot of the companions in-game, Astarion very much included. Gotta love how his immediate response to you initiating the breakup conversation is "did I do something wrong?")

I do know that discussions of the exact nature of Cazador's abuse of Astarion can get, uh, fraught. I do think Cazador's sexual objectification and possessiveness of Astarion are, well, text, and Cazador certainly uses other people as proxies to enact sexual violence on Astarion. I didn't include, and don't plan to include, any outright sexual contact between them on-page because I think the point comes across clearly enough without it (and because jesus, enough stuff happens on-page in NLTS, there needs to be a balance if I don't want to turn the story into one giant downer). For me, the crux of their dynamic lies in one of Astarion's first descriptions of Cazador: a man obsessed with power -- not political power, but power over people.

Cazador might think of himself as rational and in control of his own actions and passions -- a lot of abusers will tell you that they're just being logical, you're the one bringing your emotions into everything -- but in reality, he is obsessed with his control over Astarion. When he feels like that control is being threatened, he sees it as a direct assault on his own self-image and power and masculinity, and he takes it out on Astarion to convince them both that Astarion still belongs to Cazador. I don't think Cazador wants Astarion's love, necessarily; I don't think he knows what love actually is, anymore. I think he wants Astarion's true submission -- and he's never going to get that, because Astarion obeys him out of fear, not trust, and trust is what submission actually requires. (As is choice, which is also a thing that Cazador does not and will not give Astarion.) Basically, the closer Wyll and Astarion get, the more Cazador gets caught up in these dominance games, and those are ultimately him pissing on a lamppost rather than him accomplishing anything.

And I do write him as fixated on Astarion to a degree that he isn't with the other spawn. He doesn't really care about Dalyria taking Branwyn as a lover, for example, because whether rightly or wrongly, he doesn't perceive that as a threat to his control over her (or as a threat to his own self-image); he could tell her to stop, and she would, without him needing to compel her obedience. But Cazador doesn't feel as secure of his ownership over Astarion, for good reason, and that plus his sexual obsession makes him act Totally Normal about all this.

In NLTS, Cazador is, generally, not reacting to what Wyll and/or Astarion are actually doing. He's reacting to perceived threats to his ego, whether or not those threats have any basis in reality. Cazador breaks Astarion's rib because he wants to break Astarion's rib. It's not even sensible as a punishment, but it makes Cazador feel powerful, and it makes Astarion feel worthless. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he makes Wyll's gift to Astarion all about himself instead because it's a way of soothing his ego, and because, at that point, he's still thinking of Wyll as an easily-controlled dupe. Things change once Wyll duels Lord Andoril -- Cazador's proxy and mouthpiece -- over Astarion, and wins. It doesn't matter what Astarion did or didn't do. It matters that, to Cazador, someone publicly challenged his ownership of Astarion and got away with it, and Wyll is the kind of threat that (at this point) Cazador can't simply have killed and be done with it. The fallout for Cazador's business prospects isn't great, sure, but it's also not really what he cares about most. But really, the thing most getting in the way of Cazador's political ambitions in this story is...Cazador himself. Even if he'd tell you otherwise, because Cazador's not exactly self-aware.

This is also the point where Cazador being low-key annoyed that Wyll wants Astarion for something other than his body turns into Cazador becoming Big Mad about that fact, because Cazador cannot handle the idea of Wyll laying claim to some part of Astarion that he himself doesn't have access to. (Yes, this is a really fucked-up way for him to frame the fact that Wyll, you know, sees and values Astarion as a person. But well, Astarion is not and never has been a person to Cazador.) On some level, Cazador isn't wrong about this, either -- Wyll genuinely is a threat to his control over Astarion. But because Cazador is a petty, jealous little tyrant of a man who doesn't understand love, he catalogues this threat as Astarion offering his submission to another man. Astarion having his own autonomous wants and desires is, obviously, not something that crosses his mind. When Wyll is exiled, Cazador fully gives himself over to his inner green-eyed monster, and abandons all pretense of self-control or calculation. Cazador forcing Astarion to enjoy -- or well, take physical pleasure in -- his own rape is, among other things, Cazador trying to brute-force Astarion's submission.

The thing about power and control relationships is that the abuser never really feels secure in them. Nothing is ever good enough; everything can become a new ego threat. Cazador is alone, and he's miserable, and really, he's made himself that way.

One commenter really hit the nail on the head in Chapter 14: I was like "oh now wyll won't be a useful political tool," as if Cazador was some kind of evil political mastermind, rather than an evil horrible monster. There is, indeed, an evil political mastermind in NLTS -- but it's Enver Gortash, not Cazador Szarr. Gortash does more in half a chapter than Cazador does in basically the entire fic. In NLTS, Cazador is not a monster because he's a powerful and terrifying supernatural being -- although he is also that. He's a monster because he's a jealous tyrant who can't see past the tip of his own nose. And honestly, I think that makes for a scarier villain.

[hollowingearth]

You definitely don’t care about this but I just want to say like thanks for putting out that post about caitvi and how people see that as domestic violence. A lot of people that don’t agree with that say that because they’re survivors of domestic violence, they know what it looks like and it’s not that. Like cool, but they never take into consideration that maybe someone else who’s experienced that sees that scene and identifies with the situation enough that they consider it as such. It just sucks seeing that take. Then they start blabbing about ‘complex female characters’ and etc

haha, thanks for the message, anon! of course i care about the topic! specifically the entire discourse reminded me of an article on how gendered stereotypes affect the perception of violence (specifically in regards to intimate partner violence) that i had to read for my criminal law class. like i said in the tags of that post, i don't really want to make definite claims on the subject because it's so complicated and i'm not even sure where my own mind is at (for exaplem, not to get even more people mad at me lmao, one could discuss vi's treatment of powder as children using similar lenses - and please note the use of similar here!! i know its fundamentally different because vi was also a lonely and scared little kid!). anyway, it just stood out to me while browsing through the tags that i could barely see mention of it despite Cait hitting Vi explicitly (with the barrel of a gun too and right after saying some of the most outwardly xenophobic lines we've ever heard her say in the series... ouch? seeing Vi whimpering on the floor, like she's back to being a kid hit by another random enforcer again just hurts)

anyway back to actually answering your ask, of course experience is so important, i feel like everytime someone speaks with that sort of baggage it comes from such a personal and delicate space that i can not help but silently nod and respect their perspectives. this is a fictional show and as great of a tool it is to discuss real life issues, i do not want to harm anyone in doing so. with that in mind, it is exactly because experiences are so vast and different that i don't believe being personally victimized by something (be it ipv, an illness etc) necessarily makes one qualified to speak on the behalf of the entire population that has been through it. that worsens when the discussion is, at heart, the classification of something so sensitive, as you said, maybe someone else who’s experienced that identifies with the situation enough that they consider it as such.

i do think there needs to be some level of objetive measuring, but i have exactly 0 authority on the subject to even think of proposing it (specially on tumblr of all places ha). sorry this was so long winded, btw, specially because my initial post was so simple, i don't usually walk in this neighbourhood i dont want to antagonize anyone lol.

[the-mechanica]

I've just been having all of the feelings today. I know I don't talk about myself much on this blog aside from my pinned post, and that's with reason. I've always striven to make this space less a soapbox for myself and more a space for processing whatever you might be bringing to it. I know I've added a side of commentary at best, but I haven't really made too much of a definitive statement about why I felt moved to start this blog and write fanfic for Apex in the first place. Clearly this is about processing trauma, which can be hard to do while you're in the middle of it. Content Warning for IPV/DV mention: I had a string of shitty boyfriends coming out of college. Yes, I had one stalk me, but unfortunately he was only the first of several because trying to make friends was incredibly hard for me due to being undx'd AuDHD. I got taken advantage of A LOT, including taking back guys I know I shouldn't have on the basis of them swearing to be better next time. I've been dragged by a car on one occasion. I've been punched by a boyfriend in public, only to have him scream the only people trying to help me away (and mind you, this wasn't my stalker). I am still under threat of being sued by one asshole I worked for. I remember how I was treated by people for not leaving sooner after they decided to stop helping me. While I am so glad to have that part of my life behind me, and I'm beyond happy to be in loving healthy relationships now, the shadow of my trauma has never abandoned me. It's made me sharper to spot red flags, it's made me overprotective and paranoid in a way that's both good and bad.

Overall, it's shown me how needed the space for catharsis is. Especially when dealing with unbalanced power dynamics. As someone living in the states, I would like to assert my commitment to upholding that space. It might not be here forever, or even on the internet at all, but I want anyone to has been following me now to know that I care about your well being. I know I'm not the most upfront person, but I'm not just doing this because I like some pixels in a video game. I'm here because processing is messy, and the fight never over. It might seem less important to say all this on a fandom blog, but over the past two years I've grown entirely attached to this little space I've carved out and I refuse to let it go.