#iop god fucking sucks

[kylekai-19000]

Im so sorry for anything that happened yo you :(

❗TW: Flashlight warning, theme of sexualized violence❗

"What a fear, man like you,

Brings upon a...

Woman like me..."

(From the song Ptolemaea by Ethel Cain)

I have long wanted to do something about Lacrima. There aren't many characters out there that could represent the victis of r"pe, so she has a special place in my heart. This was originally going to be static art, but I thought a rough, incomprehensible, moving image would suit the theme much better. I felt very uncomfortable drawing this, but I'm glad I did it.

[whsprings]

.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Hi hello I am OBSESSED with your most recent fic, it’s pacing and emotional points hits so good. I just have two questions, 1) does Tim realize the suicidal ish thoughts Jason is/was having and 2) I know its a cliff hanger on purpose but HOW do they deal with this after and irl

Howdy yes I would love to talk about that actually :)

Here is the fic I’m talking about, and I guess this is the directors commentary

1) I think if you had asked Tim before the fic took place whether he thinks Jason is or has been suicidal, he would have come down somewhere along the lines of “I mean probably,” just because I do believe suicidal ideation is Tim’s normal state of being, and I can say from experience that if you are a person experiencing suicidal ideation you tend to assume others do too. Also like… Jason’s life has kinda sucked. It’s a relatively safe assumption.

I don’t think, however, that it was on Tim’s mind during the events of the fic. When I was planning and writing the thing, I imagined Tim as (1) extraordinarily uncomfortable with the entire experience and (2) responding to that by treating Jason as a puzzle that Tim can solve, even going as far as to think that he’s more equipped than Jason to do so. More than once in the story, Tim treats Jason’s mind as something Tim can poke into doing what Tim wants.

Tim didn’t exhibit a lot of empathy during that fic, and that was an intentional choice. He wasn’t really trying to help Jason feel better; all his problem-solving was oriented around getting out of the situation. He was scared and impatient in weird circumstances where he didn’t have a lot of control over what happened, and it was supposed to show.

I think the most important thing to hammer home about Tim’s perceptions and motivation is that when it comes to trauma, Jason and Tim overlap in a really uncomfortable and difficult way. Maybe a different sibling (the earliest mental draft of this story actually used Damian instead) would have been able to approach Jason from a place of understanding and validation, but Tim can’t really do that. Tim isn’t going to stand there and say that Jason’s right because he doesn’t believe that, and I don’t know that he could really be convinced otherwise.

Now could he have approached Jason with kindness? Could he have engaged with the nuance of the situation and their history? Yeah, totally, but that wasn’t the story I wanted to tell. I chose Tim over Damian here because I think the idea of Jason explaining his own consciousness to Damian is interesting, but the idea of Jason defending his own consciousness against Tim is fascinating.

The fic is loosely inspired by a therapy exercise that I saw a few times in IOP— the therapist places an empty chair in front of the patient and tells them to imagine a younger version of themself sitting there. What do you say to your younger self? What does your younger self say back? I’m not a huge fan of the actual therapy technique, but I did think it was an interesting idea to play with story-wise.

I ended up deciding on Tim as the secondary character because Tim personally experienced the aftermath of Jason’s death and has a completely different perception of events, with the maximum potential for conflict. That sets up a situation where Tim pushes back against everything Jason says, and Jason gets to defend his current and younger self in the argument.

I played with this concept for months, asking myself just what Jason needs out of an interaction with his younger self. If he’s looking at that empty chair from therapy, what needs to happen? The first thing I arrived at was validation. Jason needs to acknowledge that what happened to him was horrible, and though he doesn’t agree with everything his younger self thought or decided, God, he had every right to be fucked up about it.

What better way to do that than to have someone else standing there belittling the whole thing? And Jason gets to yell back, validate his younger self, come to his own defense in a way where he can see himself as someone worth defending. It puts him in the headspace to look at himself and say, hey you were in so much pain, and you didn’t deserve that, and you don’t deserve to stay in pain. I want you to get better. I want good things for you.

I don’t know that Jason could say it the other way: I was in pain, and I didn’t deserve it, and I don’t deserve to stay in pain. I want to get better. I want good things for myself.

Once he brings himself to say all that, once he decides that about himself, he gets the opportunity to move past what happened. He, Jason, is really the only person that can heal the part of himself that has stayed hurt and alone and locked in a state of desperation and self-destruction. You may remember that my 2021 new year fic was on that topic. It’s a shocking amount of consistency from me, I know.

So no, I don’t think Tim caught onto the state that the younger Jason was in, at least not until Jason acknowledged it out loud.

2) Since Jason did say it out loud, though, I think it’s safe to say that Tim walked away from the experience knowing. I can confidently say that the two of them finished business with Hatter speaking the minimum amount to each other, left as quickly as possible, and did not acknowledge each other for at least two weeks, and only awkwardly after that.

I imagine that if you gave Tim awhile to review the whole experience, he might end up feeling a certain amount of shame, and I guess there’s potential in that for some kind of resolution between the two of them. Personally, I wouldn’t advise Tim to specifically bring it up again, but I think he has the opportunity to take the new information he has about Jason/Jason’s motivations and act differently in the future, maybe in a way that’s a lil more supportive.

If I were to invent a scene for the two of them to settle their differences over all this, I would probably have Tim make some kind of olive branch gesture that Jason accepts without comment. Maybe Tim very awkwardly says something to the effect of “I guess I’m wrong sometimes” when he’s technically talking about something else, and they both understand that he’s sort of apologizing for some of the things he said and the assumptions he made. Less is more here, I think.

My original intention was to publish the fic we’ve been talking about on Christmas, and then sort of follow it up on New Years with the fic I ended up actually publishing on Christmas (the mostly comedic one about going to therapy). In the original draft of the therapy piece, which assumed y’all had already read the Hatter one, Tim has looped Damian into what happened, and Damian very intentionally goads Jason into talking about (and eventually agreeing to) therapy.

I think I’m glad I didn’t end up going down that path, because I prefer them as separate, unrelated fics. But there’s your insight into my intentions, I guess.

[aparticularbandit]

pulitzer, faulkner, dickinson, parchment please?

writer asks

pulitzer: tell about/link a piece where you fielt your writing was the best.

grind.  other than the ending.  and, like, i know most people don’t like it as much as my other stuff because emilio pov and whatever but i was and still am very happy with how it turned out.  i don’t think the coffee/sex/etc. metaphors are super anvillicious (they’re not particularly subtle but like? i’m proud of them?  they feel natural to the fic?) and i think it does what it was supposed to do and i actually like��it.  i was really proud of grind when i wrote it and i’m still proud of it.

faulkner: what tropes do you LOVE writing? which ones are your guilty pleasure?

i...don’t really think about tropes when i’m writing?  and i don’t know the names for all of them. >woobie (LUISA FUCKING ALVER), knight in sour armor, determinator.

but story tropes....

trauma conga line.break the cutie.i did what i had to do and discussions around it.i love playing with sliding scales so sliding scale of idealism vs. cynicism is one of my particular favorites.  ^^...i also guilty pleasure graphic descriptions of body gore and playing around with cannibalism BUT i don’t think that’s in most of my fanfics.  might come up in a handful of dust.  probably definitely would’ve come up if i’d done the multi-chap expansion of body, body like i thought about doing oops.bandit likes writing dark topics how did bandit end up writing a lot of romance.

dickinson: what insecurities do you have about your own writing? what do you think you should improve on?

i suck at writing comedy.  i have a really hard time making my writing funny.  my jokes don’t hit.  when there are jokes.  i’m just not good at it.  (this is actually why i like ‘twas the night before Christmas so much - it actually makes me laugh.)

i’m also not great at having distinctive character voices in terms of dialogue.  if i have two similar characters talking at each other with no description and no dialogue tags - petra and rose, maybe - you should be able to tell them apart just by wording and how they speak and etc. and with my writing, i really don’t think you can.  i struggle with that a lot.

i’m not good at having my characters interacting with their surroundings.  i’ve gotten better at it,   but i have to actively fight to be conscious of it sometimes.

also trying to carry on conversations between three or more characters is really hard because inevitably i end up forgetting one or more characters being involved in the conversation.  but i think that’s just something that needs practicing and there’s fics that help with that a little bit.

also also my characters do tend to all feel the same...or similar.  (there’s a series i started that would have lampshaded that, actually, but that’s another story.)  i tend to have a handful of character types/themes and then variations on those themes.  how i write miss lint, for instance, feels a lot like how i used to write my very first original character.  luisa’s a lot like ara (who is...another character i go back to over and over and over).  rose takes some similarities from dana.  like - i can follow that.  idk.

parchment: how often do you or your personal life influence your writing?

i want to say not as much in fic as it does in novel stuff, but i don’t think that’s rightly true - it’s just...less blatant?  XD

my stories throughout high school and college (...and middle school) were very much hugely influenced by my life because that was how i worked through different situations or quandaries i was facing.  the book i consider my first novel was basically about a mixture of my ocd and my bpd - both of which were undiagnosed at the time - but in a fantastical sort of etc. setting.  crossroads may be super meta but it was also kind of sort of an allegory in how creations relate to a creator (but gets complicated from there because, given that it was metafiction, i didn’t want it to be strict allegory because...obvious reasons, God is God and bandit is not, etc.).  ara’s story was dealing with religious issues dealing with being gay (and also bury your gays trope...which is a combination of that and bandit just kills people in bandit’s stories - bandit used to be more whump inclined than romance inclined i blame the rpc and the roisa fandom).

i think it’s much less...like i said, much less blatant now than it was then.  XD

there are still definitely aspects of myself in each of my characters - i think, for me, it would be impossible to write these characters if i didn’t connect with them personally in some form or fashion, even the despicable ones (i know this is not true of all writers, but it is true, to some extent, of me).  some of them more than others (there’s a lot of me in my rose, and there’s a lot of me in my luisa, and there is significantly more of me in my miss lint, which is probably why i keep bringing her back).and there are definitely slightly more...relevant impacts - i was in iop when i started if you lived here, you’d be home now, which was definitely a huge part of wanting to write that part of luisa’s life.  i’d gotten out of a huge explosive fight with my mom when i started and posted the first chapter of luisa and the fox.so, uh, tl;dr - often.  frequently.  a lot.  just.  a little more subtle now than it used to be.  XD

[searchingformaria]

I went to the IOP aftercare last night. I wanted to kill myself yesterday. I kept thinking about my little sister and I could bring myself to do it. I love her so much. It’s disappointing to know I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable with to talk to. Jerome throws stuff back in my face, Duarte is a strong woman and I know she can’t relate, Cesar has a life and to be honest, it’s a bit hard. My moms answer to me is to move to Nevada with her… like that went well the first time. Junior is most likely still on drugs and I can’t forgive him for fondling April when she was little. I don’t know what’s going on with Geraldo but, unfortunately, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back on drugs. Angel doesn’t give a fuck about me and April is going through stuff herself. I don’t think Brenda cares about me enough to listen to my problems. Neri has stuff going on, too. Do I even have real friendships? Am I only the friend to them? I’ve been having a hard time financially since I started school. I’ve been overdraft at my bank after almost every paycheck for months so I’d have money for food and gas. I recently found out I’ve been driving my car without insurance since October. I don’t have enough money for my car payment. I don’t understand why I try so hard to seem normal. Since I was a kid I learned to put on a happy face and suck it up and internalize what was hurting me. I told Roy last night that I felt like all this stuff I’m trying to keep inside is slowly oozing out of me. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like a burden on this world. I feel like I’m trying to claw my way out of a hole that gets deeper under my feet the more I try. I’ve felt old since I was a teen. Maybe I was hoping it would end soon. I didn’t think I’d live to be this old. I can talk to Jesus Christ but he’s trying to survive also and he has Lily to take care of. I only want some people from work at my wake/funeral, 7700 area, Becca, Arsenio, Vilchez is a nice guy, David from school and Constance. I definitely DO NOT want Oscar, pascual, Ramon Jr. And Aurelio who molested me for years These are people that I trusted once. I trusted them and they took advantage. I would like Roy and Camille to see me one last time they make me happy. I have nothing. I’m too fat and ugly and messed up to have a partner. The only person I ever even minutely thought of having a baby with was Cary. I was on birth control, have been for years, but boy did I love him. Unfortunately he didn’t love me and told me he could not have feelings for me because I didn’t believe in god. I guess it’s good I didn’t have a baby with him lol. Plus, he told me he was married and not to contact him after I sent him a text after not having talked to him for a while. I cried my eyes out but I’m so happy for him. He is a beautiful human being on the inside. I’m glad I got to know him.

[sharada-n]

This turned out less Angsty than I intended. Also, I took a leaf out of Iop's book and wrote a Reset-Aware Papyrus AND Sans who share their troubles for a change...

Oh well, hope you still like it!

Things are excessively fucked.

They often are, it's par for the course for them, but this time Papyrus isn't even around for him to complain with.

He's dead.

And while Sans is sure they'll be able to laugh about it afterwards, that doesn't really help the current situation.

Besides, Mettaton is king and that's always a ride.

Sans enters the throne room, the flowers are brown and wilting. (nobody takes care of them quite like his brother does) Mettaton lounges on the throne like it's a Persian lounge, looking as aloof as his position bestows him.

Sans knows he's breaking.

"You didn't find her either, huh?" The new king asks, but he doesn't need an answer. They both know where Alphys is.

"I can't do this without her." Mettaton bemoans, and he sounds almost human but not quite. "I need- I just can't, ok?"

It sucks, because Sans doesn't even particularly like this guy. "You're already doing it, kind of." He says lamely while he tries not to think of rampaged streets and looted storefronts.

Mettaton turns and stares at him, ever the character judge, sighing dramatically.

"I just waist resources and cause problems. It'd be better if I died."

Sans doesn't know if he's being serious or not, but better safe than sorry. "Don't say that. my brother is dead, you know?"

Not that he will be for long, but that's besides the point.

Mettaton sighs again, less dramatic and more desperate this time and Sans feels compelled to say something despite himself. Despite hating this outcome and wanting nothing else but to go home and bury his head beneath the sheets until the next reset hits.

He misses Papyrus so much.

"You can't, ok? They need you." He's not good at being encouraging but his brother would be proud of him just for trying, and it carries him forward with fervor he doesn't actually feel. "There's nobody else who can do this. You're kind of literally all they have left..."

God that was lame.

But Mettaton looks at him and he smiles just a little bit, in such a way Sans can really see the hurt there. God, he fucking hates it.

"You're right." He says, slowly, then nods with something like assurance. "Of course you are."

He wipes at his eyes, (do robots even cry?) then stands up, back straight, and Sans does admit Mettaton has a certain regal air to him. Maybe if things had been different-

"Thanks, sweetie." The robot says, almost instantly back to his fabulous persona and he pats Sans on the head in passing. "It's time to rule!"

Sans doesn't say anything, waiting for his king to leave the room before visibly slouching.

God he hates this fucking timeline.

[sobrietyplease]

This is an extremely raw, honest, candid, and personal post I probably shouldn't be making but I don't fucking care what you think of me anymore at all cuz who knows how much longer I'm even gonna be around on this god-forsaken planet. Tonight EMTs gave me narcan to save my life when I accidentally ODd. I have only ever accidentally ODd one other time and I didn't need narcan because I came back around by the time they got there. I'm not mad the revived me, I'm also not thrilled to still be here. It's funny, before I came out to treatment in cali two years ago I like kinda did heroin when I could afford it and that was it. Now, I get to watch people I give a fuck about (and that is a small fucking number) turn blue and almost die and I get to give them CPR and I get to hand them off to the EMTs. My life after being lured out to LA with promises of being joyous happy & free is full of dead girls I thought were really cool (I wouldn't call them friends because the only like REAL ass friends I have are Taffra, crystal, and some other people along the way) showing up on my Facebook wall, being tagged in posts by people they prolly didn't even fucking like, talking about all of the times they lent each other pencils in group or some fucking other wet garbage bullshit. I stopped trying to kill myself because every time I do I enter a new circle of hell, which is just like the prior circle I was in just everything is a little more terrible, a little more traumatic. I stopped trying to get sober when I went to an eating disorder program and saw how differently the clients were treated, like they were actually Fucking people who have loved ones and whose lives were valuable instead of just cash cows to be exploited. See, EDs (eating disorders) and drug addictions are just two heads of the same hydra. The underlying issue is almost nearly always trauma and self-hatred. Teach someone how to hate themselves a little less, teach them how to eat "normally," be gentle with them for they are fragile, give them REAL coping mechanisms, and maybe you have someone on their way to ED recovery. Drug recovery is one attention-starved addict taking up the whole group to talk about their problems because in DT (drug treatment), MAYBE you'll see your therapist that week, maybe you won't! Who fucking knows, they're just there for your endorsed check. DT is having a Room full of addicts with two weeks sober drawing before and after pictures (before treatment, after/during treatment) of their disease with a sad face on the first half of the sheet and a happy face on the second cuz none of us give a shit about this stupid fucking assignment, we just want IOP to be over so we can go home. DT is having facilitators who went to college for two fucking years pull "facts" out of their ass, spreading misinformation, and humiliating you in front of a room of people cuz you were ten minutes late to his previous garbage group he pulled together 3 minutes prior to group because you didn't wanna be at IOP today. Bukowski is cool but why the fuck are we passing around an excerpt from "Post Office" and calling this drug treatment? Drug treatment doesn't Fucking care about you or your life and they DEFINITELY don't Fucking care whether you love yourself or not. AA or NA is great for people who have already had whatever magic Fucking switch inside them flicked to make them just really never wanna do drugs again, so they're able to sit through steps one two and three for a couple of months and not go out. The rest of us are doing it wrong or "don't really wanna be sober." (Literally please go fuck yourself with the rustiest barbed wire covered hammer you can find if you've Fucking said this to someone; you, with your entire 14 days of clean time wisdom, telling someone else that "maybe they just don't wanna be sober/didn't wanna be sober ENOUGH and that's why you relapsed," trying to look like every other west side AA girl and spewing forth the same dribble the fuckboy whose dick you suck in the living room while everyone is asleep at your sober living spews; but hey, yeah, you and your lululemon pants you never wash and disgusting ponytail that looks like a fucking palm tree that you all wear and should DEFINITELY have left in 2010, for sure know more than poor, stupid, educated and more experienced me. See but my thing is most people are under the impression that I hate people (and I don't argue with them because I'd rather it be seen as that, although as seen above I do Fucking hate some), but it's actually that nearly everyone who gets close to me isn't a fuckin fan, man, but apparently you can't get/stay sober alone so just fuck me, right? "Oh come on not everyone hates you," you say, and no, they don't, but "I miss you"s get followed by "oh shit wrong Riley" and " can you help me score because I wanna relapse even though I literally haven't spoken to you in months and when we WERE friends it was just because you were someone around and I can't do a goddamn thing by myself." None of y'all have faith in me and I have been put into the "chronic relapser :(" box and all of your fucking boring, cookie cutter asses think I'm weird and yet you all end up dressing like me two or three years down the line (oh Fucking please, right now half of you look like how I looked on my Timehop 3 Fucking years ago and you're starting to get interested in the shit I thought was cool 3 years ago, which would be fine if I wasn't known as Riley--no, the crazy weird one, not the skinny blonde one). Idk. Not feeling hopeful, depressed as shit, chest hurts from the CPR, and I'm bitter than I have to continue to share the planet with a bunch of goddamn assholes and cunts who are less talented but more accepted/praised than I am. I had considered making a patreon until I realized I have no friends and with no friends is kinda hard to find subscribers. Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about being a successful musician, but I don't know anyone and I won't know anyone cuz I don't leave the house cuz new friends are just a reminder that somewhere along the line, I became quite abnormal. Actually now that I've written all of that, it really would've been fucking tight as hell if I wouldn't have been able to be revived tonight.

[brunchbitch]

1/4/17

so yeah the meeting with B was really difficult and he was so sweet throughout it and was like “i really miss working with you and have been thinking about you a lot” and “i hope this isn’t the last time i see you” and “i know that treatment is safe for you but that’s why i brought in the whole concept of Aslan and i hope you haven’t forgotten about it, bc my son is named after it!” LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHY DID YOU BRING ASLAN INTO THIS UGHHHHH. i was about ready to start sobbing. he’s so sneaky bc then i was like omg i miss him and i want to work with him again like no therapist has ever worked that hard for me and knows me that well. god fucking damnit. 

so i really have to do this if i want to stay out of a long-term residential for the rest of my fucking life (although part of me was like well then why don’t i just go there now so that i don’t have to fucking try anymore like that seems so appealing to me a lot of the time). he asked me what i think about when i’m trying to fall asleep - like am i thinking about where i was in the summer before this relapse and remembering how it was being in school and in an internship and doing well, or am i thinking about the program and the rules and expectations? i admitted that i’m thinking about everything i’ve eaten that day and what i’m gonna have to eat tomorrow and more stuff about the program. 

tbh i had kind of forgot about like our therapeutic relationship and how well he knows me (even though i fucking hate it when he calls me out on things i’m so ashamed of) but seeing him was just so hard and i’m pretty sure he teared up at one point. T said afterward she thinks that’s probably why he came out here - to remind me of all of that. i think it would’ve been really different if it was on the phone - i probably would’ve just shut down. and he even ended it by making fun of me for how my voice sounded when i was in the hospital and it made me laugh and i almost threw the pillow at him which i’ve done before in session and i was just like you sneaky bastard. how could he have given me this shitty ultimatum yet i end the session wanting to go back to working with him? also at one point he reminded me that i had stayed out of residential for a year and a half after the GR which is a really big achievement for me. i was like “well i did try to kill myself last fall” and he said “honestly the overdose worries me less than treatment- and therapist-hopping" ???????? apparently bc i was able to stay outpatient whereas when i go into treatment i have to give up school but i was just like … what the fuck. he’s got some weird opinions.

i met with T for a bit afterwards and she asked how i was feeling. i said i felt really defeated. i want to go through php and iop and go back to working with him bc the alternative sucks, but then i wonder if that is really even meaningful - is it “recovery” if i’m only doing it bc of the ultimatum? is it ok if i’m doing it for someone else? what if i’m never ok with this body but only stay at this weight bc i’m not allowed to lose weight? and T said it’s no less meaningful bc of the situation - that a lot of people enter recovery bc of ultimatums, bc the alternative sucks, and in the end are still able to recover for themselves. so i guess i don’t need to lose all hope, but it’s very frustrating. i feel lost and as though i’m back at square one, but i am motivated to do this.

[the-ramblings-of]

oh my GOD. I have to do this dumb yoga thing at php (iop? i dont even know anymore lol) and I really did not want to go back to program today because its pouring and I have to walk ~30 min each way and being outside is stressful and exhausting and I was already there this morning. So I texted the instructor asking if we could do it virtually and she was like....yeah its already virtual? like were you going to tell me that? Mon,Wed, Fri programming is in person so why would you assume i knew that??? thank fucking god i didn’t just suck it up and go back bc i would have lost my shit if i showed up for nothing...

[goalieprotectionsquad]

lol this just turned into me talking about how much i love my job oops

fuck I just .... I love my dept so much.... I’m already so sick of talking about and thinking about my depression and that’s a big reason of why I’m pissed about having to go back to program, like I just want to be normal and be treated like a neurotypical asshole for like 6 minutes instead of a babychild, and it sucked having to sit in 3 different meetings TODAY and have to explain and re-explain what’s going to happen, and I’m going to have to do it tomorrow ON TOP OF going in for orientation, and then I probably start wednesday, and wow this week is just chock full of shit I’ve already talked in circles, but. like. god. everyone i asked to talk with thought i was going to quit or some shit, and they were just so accepting and gracious about what’s going on, and so receptive, and the fucking head of the department got very serious when I went to talk to him about it and scooted his chair in so he was sitting upright and looking at me directly, his absolute attention on me, and told me that he supports me in this, and that he hopes I know how much they value me. and before that i talked to my other supervisor along with my direct supervisor, just so she knew, and it was just. for the first time. not about my depression... it was about figuring out a plan to keep my job stable while still giving me space for treatment. my supervisor literally wants me to email her at the end of every day and let her know if the workload is too much. and when I said that I want to announce it in the staff meeting on wednesday, she kept saying over and over that it was my decision and if I didn’t want anyone to know that nobody had to know. i told her last week after my therapist made me make an appt during our session, and she has not told anyone. fuck it feels so good to not be bogged down by this illness. I am so fucking free of it at work, and even though it’s always there, and I have my off days, my department is so loving and supportive that ppl wil ask how I am and I can answer honestly and they won’t make it a big deal. like some days the depression sucks, but that doesn’t mean I want to sit and talk about it. it just is. you don’t sit and talk about how much a cold sucks when someone asks you if you’re feeling better. anyway, the last meeting i had was with two of my fave faculty members who I do work for sometimes and I wanted them to know, and they were just. so fucking perfect. honestly everyone just handled it in the best way. I don’t know how they all just. fucking. jesus. and everyone asked me over and over if I needed time off work, or if I needed less of a workload, and the head of the dept literally told me that if there’s anything he can do to make it easier to let him know. god all day today I felt like I was literally incapable of doing my job because of how sick I was over getting dates mixed up. it was just one of those days where literally nothing sets it off. I had a lovely morning getting coffee with a friend before work. I felt great. and then I didn’t. and that’s just how it goes. but anyway I kept having to like INSIST that work isn’t stressing me out, that being in such a supportive environment has been helping me, that I need the structure and stability of going to work every day. it got kind of annoying after a while, that and having to explain iop/php, but the fact that ppl sat there and gave me their full attention and were much much more concerned about my health than about losing an employee for 12 hours out of the work week for an undetermined amount of time, just makes me so fucking thankful that I found my job. I love it. I love my people. I love my community. I love what I do. I’m just insanely grateful so so thankful that I have this job, and these people, who I spend so much time with. jesus christ I am so lucky

[sumergosuigeneris]

January 2, 2019, Part II

I had a therapy session today. It was weird. To start with, I didn’t know I had a session. He called looking for me, and I told him I thought he said it was closed today, plus I didn’t get a reminder. He met with me after his last appt.

It was a weird session.

First, he wants to record the session. I felt so threatened. I was going to go ahead with it, but it made me so upset I said no. I explained he’s the only person I feel safe with. God, it’s making me upset even now.

I was telling him the pertinent stuff from the last 2 weeks, and he interrupted me to talk about how we have to manage time. But he look like 4 or 5 minutes to do the talking. He tried to give me a time limit. I got a bit angry, and then had to say that a)it’s my time, b)I’ve been conscientious of how to use it since the beginning (based on the IOP fiasco), c) I mostly only talk to tell him things I think are pertinent to my treatment, just in case he wants to give me a specfic skill, which he never does, and d)we’re on the same page, so we don’t need to have this conversation again.

Some other stuff. I explained that I was concerned about my progress, or my effort. I didn’t want to say anything about him since I’d already fucked up the appt. He then asked me about my previous therapy experiences, and sort of in relation to him. Like, he had a vague recollection I’ve done it before. I didn’t want to be mean, and in all this time I hadn’t bee able to exactly describe even to myself the problem. I talked about his approach being esoteric/theory, and others being more practical. As I left, I realized the concept I was trying to explain to myself is ‘personalization.’ He’s got a protocol and everyone must fit into it. Everyone else, it felt like they personalized the skills we worked on based on my situation.

We went over that fucking mindfulness shit. I told him I hadn’t done it all over the last 2 weeks. I had to tell him why I didn’t like the link he gave me. He then spent a lot of time explaining his thoughts and basically pussyfooting around telling me to do it. As in, we’re not going to move forward until I listen to his fucking mindfulness crap link for 7 days in a row. I am fucking stuck with his shitty rendering of mindfulness. And he acted at some point like me not doing my homework is common. I had to point out to him that this was the only assignment I hadn’t completed, and frankly it was because I didn’t know I had to do it for a whole week before we could move on.

A couple of times he tried to recap what he thought I was saying or what my MO on something was. He was always wrong. I don’t know if it’s everyone, or just me, that he has trouble ‘getting.’ I’ve been aggravated about it to a certain extent, and tonight was no different.He spends so much fucking time on that sort of shit, without just allowing/encouraging me to tell a whole story, or explain what he doesn’t get. But then I started wondering how many other therapists didn’t really ‘get’ what I was trying to get across, and just faked it? Certainly, my IT at the IOP, after the fact, appeared to me to not get me at all. With that in mind, it occurred to me that my viewpoint was wrong. I should be appreciative that he’s trying.

After I left his room, I thought I should work on being able to trust the recording situation person, so I went back and asked what the what. He said only his supervisor will hear it, only once, and the recording will be deleted after a week. I don’t know.

I just still can’t figure him out. Tonight, my theory du jour is that he’s just veeeerrrry much a student therapist, compared to most of my past therapists, even if he has done a couple years in the field with his LCPC or whatever counseling title he had before he started his psy.d. But then again, the chick I had when my IT was on vacation had just gotten her psyd and she really worked for me. At this point, I’d go back to her in a heartbeat. So maybe he sucks. Maybe he’s just not the one for me.

And I guess I misrepresent myself as not using any skills or techniques or trying to do things on my own outside of therapy, so I had to make a point of saying so today. Like, you want to hurry the talking but then don’t understand why you don’t know the whole story? Oy.

But either way, I think this new fad that therapy works without, or even better because it’s without, knowing an individual’s story is extremely flawed. And that’s being nice.

I don’t know. Maybe I should get another therapist maybe not. We’ll see if and when I get a new fucking job.

I’m reading the second book in the series. Yay the library has the sequel. But technically, I checked to make sure they had it before buying the first one. So I wouldn’t have to buy them all, I could justify buying one. I’m really not a fan of reading electronic books, but it is a cheaper way to do things.

And on my mobdro, guess what reappeared? The linke to bbc america. Which I couldn’t find when I want to watch something specific a few days ago. I’m like 3 1/2 seasons behind on Dr. Who. So annoying.

I should get shit done. But I think I’ll go to bed. After reading a few more chapters.

[jamericanbabyxo]

A Reflection of 2018

What a whirlwind 2018 was. This time last year I was in a new place, new state, with new people around me. It was my 3rd day at Treehaven in Lubbock, TX. I was bringing in the New Year with people I had no connection with. I was in a place unfamiliar to me trying to fit in. I didn’t talk much, but deep down I wanted to feel like I belonged.  

January: a month of PHP and IOP. I remember I was in PHP alone which was low key awkward because it was just me and the therapists and I wasn’t much of a talker yet, so it basically was a staring contest of who would talk first. I did learn a bit about addiction and recovery in those sessions but I didn’t really know what was going on. I was still stuck on my obsession of cocaine. I didn’t think I was an addict I just thought I misused it and could go back to it, but I also thought if you put a bag of cocaine in front of me, that I could just push it away and not take it. I started going to meetings at the hub and it was weird for me because people smoked inside the building. I never saw that before. I was four months clean. 

February: IOP and job searches. I started meeting people in IOP and getting close to them. From Treehaven and from Treehouse. I started to be - what a good friend once told me - unapologetically me. I had an interview for chick-fil-a and was 98% sure I didn’t get the job because I showed clevage. LOL. We started this ceramic project in IOP that took a couple of weeks. We never ended up finishing it but the piece that I made I really enjoyed. Friday’s were art therapy day and we were typically separated by boys and girls but we did this project together as a whole. A lot of breaking plates and gluing plate pieces on plies of would and lots of painting. I also started going to the rec and taking workout classes. It only lasted for a little bit but it was worth it while I did it. One day I went to the pancake festival with some people from Treehaven and treehouse. It wasn’t that amazing but it was an interesting thing to experience. I got a job at firehouse subs and lasted for a week. I applied for cashier and then ended up slicing meats and onions and cheese. It was miserable. I quit the job on a Friday because I was having a panic attack. She asked if I wanted to be cashier instead and I just told her I couldn’t do this anymore and left. A week later I picked up my check and it was so uncomfortable. i then got a job at Hungry Howies and lasted there for 3 weeks. I was 5 months sober. 

March: jobs and life.  March 1, 2018 I got my 6 months clean. It was a thing that I never believed that would happen. I was so blessed and so happy that I came that far in my recovery. The weather started to get a little warmer and my tanning season was on the verge of starting. I started buying LOTS of bathing suits to the point I became a brand ambassador for a lot of online swim suit boutiques. Some of the girls and I would tan out in the backyard and we did a lot of ass out tanning days. I had so much fun during this month with the girls in the house. There was a lot of bonding between us. I left Hungry Howies by calling in sick, then later quitting that same day because it caused me to have schizophrenic episodes. I was not a fan. I worked at Pasta Warehouse for one shift and then had an interview at Genghis Grill and got the job on the spot and quit Pasta Warehouse on a Saturday without getting restriction because I had a secure job. Then I went on a bowling outing with the girls in the house. It was so worth it.

April: Experiences. Easter was one April 1 this year. I attended a BBQ that my coworkers were hosting at their place. I had a lot of fun. This was my first time at an event though that had alcohol since I’ve been sober and it wasn’t that hard to handle. I just drank my monsters while everyone else drank and my coworkers kept me accountable to not drink as well. I last only until like 10 pm because I was SO tired. Another thing I did in April was that I impulsively got two tattoos, but they were tattoos that I have wanted for a long time. I got the gemini sign on my left wrist and a small elephant on my right hip. That one rubbed off a little bit from wearing pants every day to work. I went to the Thomas Rhett Concert with a girl in the house and it was one of the best concerts I have ever been too, and it was a new experience to be at a concert sober and actually remember everything that happened. This month I also picked up a desire chip for my sex and love addiction, which was a major step for me because during this time and previous months I was seeking male attention, sending in appropriate things, posting a lot of thirst traps. Just anyway to get negative male attention. I would even push myself on men in recovery to get them to fill this void. I moved into the apartment across the driveway and I thought this was going to be a good decision to have my own space and everything, but I just fell into a deep pit of isolation. I had the worst cravings and I wanted to die. It was so bad I only went to the house for the wifi and barely connected with the girls in the house. It took a long time for me to reconnect with the girls that I lived with. I also graduated from IOP this month and had my own car, so there was no reason for me to see the girls. So I stayed cooped up in the apartment away from everyone as long as I could and fall into self pity. I was 7 months sober.

May: Birthday Month. I was still working at Genghis Grill, but I got a second job at Urban Bricks. I wanted two jobs for the summer. I mainly just worked a lot this month. At the end of the month, Morgan and her friend Michael were driving across the US from North Carolina to Colorado. On the way they picked my up to take me to Colorado for a 5 day trip to be home for my birthday and Morgan and my dad’s birthdays too. On the way home we stopped at Palo Duro Canyon and made our own little hike off trail. It was beautiful. We stopped at Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, which was a beautiful sight to see. After that we went home. I got to spend my birthday with my family and Mariah. When I was home my mom, Morgan and I went on a hike, I forget where, but I remember that I was sucking wind. I ended up going to the Haim concert with my siblings at Red Rocks. It was such a cold night, BUT the concert was amazing. I loved every second of it. I went to orientation for Texas Tech on the 31st because I was starting school in the summer.

June: Summer school. June 1, 2018 I got 9 months sober. It felt great to have that much time clean. I started summer school and took a drawing class. I thought I was good at drawing until I took that class. Well I still am good at drawing, but the class took the enjoyment out of drawing for me. It was very frustrating when I thought I was done with a piece and then my professor would tell me how I needed to fix the piece. I ended up loving the pieces that I made in that class. One time while working at Genghis Grill and old man was hitting on me and left his number and a note on his receipt for me. Little to say but it was the most uncomfortable situation because he originally thought I was like 15. The outings in the house every week was us going to Joyland. A sketchy amusement park in Lubbock, but for some reason the girls in the house loved it that we went like 3 weeks in a row. I started getting really close to some of the girls in the house again. I quit Genghis Grill towards the middle of June. I did it properly this time though. I put my two weeks in and my managers were trying to hype me up the my customers to get me to stay. It wasn’t going to work, but I left on a good note. I continued to work at Urban Bricks.

July: Hurt. The major thing that I remembered happening in July was that for the few previous months I was talking to this guy. We started off as friends and went on a couple of dates and hung out when we could because we both were working two jobs so it was hard to see each other. But we made it work. Until on the 4th of July he just ghosted the fuck out of me. I didn’t see it coming. I thought things were good between us. It blew my mind. I was in shock. I was hurt. I had the biggest resentment over it. It took me the entire month to fully get over it. Now I think I have ghosted people before in addiction, but not in recovery. I felt every emotion. I did not like it at all. One good thing that did happen this month was that after 2 months of working at Urban Bricks I got a 50 cent raise. I was 10 months sober.

August: School. I moved into the sober dorms and my mom came down to help me move in. I met my roommates who I now love, but it was so awkward at first in how we interacted with each other. I remember going to the rec pool with some guys i knew from treehouse and my roommates and I just chilled in the lazy river for like hours. First day of classes was a success. At this time I thought I would enjoy my apparel design major. Little did I know. I was 11 months sober.

September: 1 year clean and class changes. September 1, 2018 I got 1 year clean. I had to pick up my chip at celebration and CA. I was nervous for both. Celebration was MUCH easier than CA. At celebration i just said what I posted on Facebook. For CA I had 2 energy drinks before and went in to a 2 hour long panic attack and just said random shit up at the podium when it was my turn. I was shaking so much and almost cried of embarrassment. Thank God I had Emily and Gowri there with me or else I think I would have DIED. I went to my first Texas Tech sober tailgate and football game with my roommate. It was such an experience to have. I was a little weary about it, but I had so much fun. In the past I was always drinking at tailgates, but being sober was a better experience. I was talking to a guy in recovery and i thought it was something good, but he ended things and he told me he was getting with me for points that his friends put together. Since I was black and in the center he got 2 points for getting with me. It hurt that I was just part of a game that he was playing. But it showed me that I deserved better. I had a mental breakdown 2 weeks into the semester about classes. I emailed Vince about changing courses and he told me I couldn’t . So I went to the center and cried and Dr. Tom and Anna helped me along with my advisor. I switched out of all my apparel classes and joined math, history, and cfas. Apparel design stressed me out so much that I physically couldn’t go to the classes. I am so grateful for the center helping me out during that hard time.

October: TCU, Family Weekend, Halloween. A LOT happened in October. I went on the center trip to TCU with 15 other people in the center. I loved this trip. I had Emily by my side for the trip and I connected with a lot of other people that I normally wouldn’t have talked to originally. We went to the TCU v. Tech game and crashed the wrong tailgate, lol. We went to the 24 Hour Club and got to learn about the place. We went thrift shopping and I dropped $94. It was a fun time. During the trip, I was talking to this guy named Travis and we planned to get coffee when I got back. I met with him to get coffee and he was running late and I was sitting outside in the cold for about 7 minutes and he apologized for having me wait. We got coffee in the English Building and there was only decaf coffee left, which was okay, I just don’t really drink decaf lol. We talked about a lot over all different topics that you probably wouldn’t talk about on a first date, but it was refreshing. Family weekend was amazing. My parents came down for it. They got to meet my friends and other parents and the staff in the center. We got to connect a lot and go out to eat and shop and go bowling. I really loved spending that time with them. Oh I can’t forget how awkward it was when Travis met my parents and completely diverted them when he first saw them, LOL. I went to the Aspire Halloween party with all my friends - Audrey, Erin, Emily, Gowri, Taylor, and Gracie. We all basically dressed as football players. It was a good time because I had good people around me and I talked to some people there that I didn’t normally talk to. I was 13 months sober.

November: Thanksgiving, God. This time of year was so busy in school. I had midterms and projects and tests and so much to do. It was so stressful. I missed some school, but I pushed myself to do better. I also focused more on my faith with God. I did this throughout the previous two months too, but this month I really focused on it. I started praying more and giving up my problems and control over to god. I started spending more time with Travis, which I enjoyed. He made it official this month, which seems quick to some, but it just felt right. I went home for thanksgiving which was nice because last thanksgiving I was in rehab, so it was nice to be with family. I went Black Friday shopping with my dad and got a new pair of kicks from Nike. My car had been acting up for the previous 4 months and when I got back to Lubbock my car stalled on me and I refused to drive it. It had been jolting like crazy, making me super paranoid and anxious to drive it to work and other places. I started ubering after it stalled. I was 14 months clean.

December: Finals, Winter Break. Finals season, the worst season. Although one of my finals got cancelled due to snow and then I had to take it online. Some of my finals were hard and others were easy. But my final grades came in and i got 1 A, 3 Bs and an F. The F was in history and I knew going into the final that I was going to fail the class. I’m retaking it over the summer. I decided to wait a little bit before I go home for break so I spent the first week in Lubbock and I didn’t realize how lonely it would be. But I was working and I hung out with Travis a lot and Emily as well. It helped being around people. Then on the 20th I went home. I’m glad I got to go home to be with family for Christmas, because like Thanksgiving, last year for Christmas I was in rehab. I got to see Mariah on the 27th and then Kayce on the 28th. It was good to see them both. I really enjoyed it. But I’ve mostly been sitting at home doing nothing. I am 15 months clean.

So much has happened this year, and I am truly grateful for all of it. Some ups and some downs, but overall I am just happy that I am alive and sober. Thank you to y’all who participated in my life thus far.

[verypeachavenue-blog1]

Extra

So I fucking hate this but I need to get it off my chest. Today was hard. I went to my IOP and i couldn’t help but lie about how I was, some people asked how i was and I said I was good but I wasn’t. I was and still am having an off day. I woke up knowing that I just wanted to sleep through the whole day. In IOP someone told their story and I just said everything wrong to them. Like what the fuck. I wouldn't have wanted to hear that coming from someone. I had a bunch of paperwork i needed to fill out because I have no food and can’t afford it. I’ve never had to deal with that before and it sucks. Someone thankfully helped me through it because god knows that i would’ve gotten so stressed out to the point where i wouldn't have gone and I would’ve slept because that’s what i do when i’m really stressed. Sometimes I can’t even help it. I fell asleep in IOP because what i said to the person who told their story i could tell it bothered them so i un-voluntarily  fell asleep. WHAT THE FUCK? the guy who helped me get food stamps offered me dinner thank god. That was so fucking sweet of him. I have no food. The last straw was that I got home and no one was here. I was alone..I was fine kinda but I didn’t get to lay down or anything. Then I called my mom because I needed a familiar voice to calm me down. She told me that I should be myself and that people will love me if I am. I told her thank you and that I loved her. then she said that she would let me go and I fucking asked for a cig from one of my house mates and they said no and I think that was the straw that broke the camels back. I am so use to things or have been use to things being handed to me my whole life and now I have to do things on my own AND IT FUCKING SUCKS and it’s hard. I for real went up to my bed and laid down and started to ball. 

I’m fine now but I realize that life isn’t hard it’s just a lot. getting out of bed is a lot. bushing my teeth and wiping my ass is a lot. But I have to do it without peoples assistance or help because I’m not a kid anymore.