#invent jackass

[teecupangel]

Hello! So I've gotten into assassins creed thanks to you (and me lurking), this is the first time I've sent an ask because the pervious desmond time travel language barrier idea has gotten me in a strangle hold

Ok so we know that the isu are remembered by human society as myths (apple, Adam and eve, etc.)

What if the language desmond speaks due to isu bs is the isu language, but! This language is the one used before the solar flare aka. Before the "tower of Babylon" myth

It's the root of all human languages Ala atlantis lost empire

I'm thinking that this language could allow desmond to learn any language and be sort of understood by everyone, but it can't be that easy cause desmond; like the isu bs (he merged with the apple when he was sent back maybe?) makes it so that he is essentially always using the voice tm (like dune, thanks to the mind manipulation abilities of the POEs) so he's always afraid of accidentally making people do things against their will

That would make him especially attractive to the Templar so they're after him, and it would work with any assassin of any time period basically

I can image the earlier he lands the more likely it is that the assassins help him Kickstart the widespread use of sign language or at least the assassins have a sign language specifically for desmond

The “Desmond knows every language BUT any language his ancestors know” idea from before.

Welcome to fandom, nonny! Sorry for the late greetings hahahaha. I hope you’re enjoying AC and all ideas we have floating around here XD

I’m gonna be honest. My headcanon for the Tower of Babel myth is that the Tower of Babel was meant to be one of the failed solutions for the Solar Flare that was similar to a space elevator ala Gundam 00 with long distance communication function added and the whole ‘disappearing of the only language’ being a metaphor to the destruction of the communication system housed in the tower.

Anyway, for this one, we’ll use your idea and make the Isu language the lost original language and, to add more salt to the “are you still human?” wound we’ve inflicted Desmond, the reason why his voice holds so much sway on everyone is because Isus have programmed humans to be more easily manipulated into doing their bidding when they use their language because, in this case, the Isus’ language is primarily used by Isus. Humans use a different language that originated from the Isu language and their language is different depending on their location. The Isus made it a crime for humans to even learn the Isu language.

This will be our reason why humans have different languages in AC world and none of them were able to keep using the Isu language.

Everyone is hardwired to do Desmond’s bidding and Desmond hates it. That’s why he preferred to not talk. But he will use his ‘powers’ if the need arise… usually when there’s a specific Templar or target that deserves Desmond’s fury.

Most of the time though, he uses sign language to speak. Many people actually assume he cannot speak but the Brotherhood and the Order knows of his power.

This means that there are rumors that Desmond is using his power to hold such powerful sway to certain Assassins in seats of power.

Which is bullshit.

Out of everyone, Desmond doesn’t want to control his ancestors the most. He feels disgusted by the very idea.

Then there’s Altaïr who thinks it’s a good idea to research Desmond’s power primarily because:

(1) they can find out the limitation and

(2) check if one can gain resistance the more it’s used on them.

Desmond can see the logic behind it but keeps saying no because he knows Altaïr is doing it for his own curiosity.

By the time Ezio’s time roll around, Desmond does know the limitation of his powers but Altaïr didn’t leave any records of it. Whenever Ezio talks about the ‘research’ they did, Desmond just stares him down until Ezio stirs (drifts) the conversation elsewhere.

Not even Leonardo can pry how Altaïr and Desmond’s research went.

All they know is that, whatever it is, it brought great headaches to Malik Al-Sayf.

[kinokoshoujoart]

is Rock/Romeo different in the japanese ds cute?

(as someone who isn’t fluent) yea in jp romeo sounds like less of a bastard and more like idk. idiot airhead spacey naive kid? the jp version also takes him much more seriously as a love interest option which stresses me out a bit but it’s also cute

for the english version of DS and cute natsume sometimes added some arrogant douchey scum bastard zaniness to romeo’s lines to idk i guess try and match rock? (who has different speech habits / “role speech” in JP compared to romeo) and of course natsume also just handled a lot of DS lines Weirdly or Not at all

for example

the wedding vow

JP:「もう一生離さないよ♡ 」| “For the rest of my life, I’ll never let go!♡” (cute)

Natume EN: “I’ll never leave you. Heh heh.” (troubling)

the divorce fakeout event you get if you neglect your husband (the entire thing)

JP: romeo thinks you hate him and he’s sad because you don’t communicate, and says goodbye.. he comes back and apologizes and admits he never wanted to leave, he just wants to stay together and you head to sleep (all’s well that ends well)

EN: romeock thinks you hate him and he says “is it my looks? my gorgeous looks can’t be fading already, can they?!” when he comes back he’s like “i know you can’t be tired of my looks already. it must just be a phase. well time for some beauty sleep” (who the fuck said you were allowed back in)

other than stuff like that, in general i’m finding a lot of events make slightly to very more sense in japanese because often it feels like each line of dialogue was either translated too literally into english or they didn’t have context, so that also applies to romeo’s heart and random events especially later events / events after marriage / rival marriage

the entire yellow heart event didn’t make proper sense to me in english compared to japanese but one small silly example from it where (probably) no context translation made the scene 10x funnier is when he has his dramatic confession

in JP he realizes he may have hurt you by joking around and making up stories to hide his feelings and apologizes profusely. protag shakes her head no with a heart over it to be like “it’s okay <3”

in EN he asks “Can you forgive me…?” and protag does the same gesture. like “NO <3”

also neither here nor there but his relationship with Louis feels a lot more familial in japanese. in english i wanted to kick him out the window during the child discipline event. in JP it’s more silly… (i still want to kick him out the window but more affectionately…) she overall sounds a lot more idk timid in EN but in JP she’s rougher and teases and scolds him a bunch (good👍). she and her two NEET cats children are a very cute family imo

overall i find natume’s odd additions to the game incredibly funny and enhance the experience in their own way (by making it worse) and i enjoy the more bastardly creature but i also think the more serious and soft romeo is sweet. he still has a lot of “what is wrong with his brain” moments in both en and jp he’s just more douchey in english

[trippercrazy]

Eric André

[butchladymaria]

cannot believe im getting hatemail on tumblr dot com for saying this woman is masc lmao. ty for your service butch king o7

[larnax]

okiiiiiiiiie dokie i have been search for the stupid fucking vocabulary video where the ASL teacher shows these two signs but its not on her vocabulary list and its not clear which assignment would even have it and im also going to go joker mode so im going to once again go off the lifeprint guy and when she marks me down for using socal asl instead of canadian asl well im going to have to live with that

[knoxvill3-nati0n]

and he ate every single time

The other Jackass guys: wow that sure was a crazy stunt I just did I hope it looked good on camera!

Johnny Knoxville shirt for some reason:

[normansnt]

Almost got you, bitch

(Hazbin Adam x fallen angel!Male reader)

No warnings I think perhaps cursing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were a fallen angel.

You questioned heavens doings after finding out about the extermination, and of course heaven didn't like that.

When you fell, your best friend, Adam, was the most pissed off. Granted he was the one who told you about it one night when he was drunk and you had to get him home but he didn't know you were gonna make such a fuss about it.

You were in heaven, everything was fine you had your friends there, no one important to you fell before you, and most importantly you had him there, your best friend. Why would you care about those misfits in hell??

All though he shouldn't have been surprised, even though you put on a hard shell and make very similar jokes than himself you are a kind soul, a very kind one at that always helping others. But still, you fell, you are not here with him anymore. That sucked.

*flashback*

Heaven was a pretty new invention and adam and eve were trying to settle, for that god sent an angel, you.

When you knocked on the door adam went to open it.

"Who the fuck is here this early?" Was the first sentence he ever spoke to you.

Now you aint gonna take shit from nobody.

"Im the fuck who is here get you asses moving cuz we're going to heaven" you said with an equally annoyed tone.

Thats when Adam knew he liked you. And with the same amount of sass to each other the two of you became fast friends.

"I Almost got you, bitch" yelled Adam. You guys were playing flying tag cuz he just got his wings and they were completely new to him.

"You wish, fucker" you answer with a shit eating smirk. You were the one to teach him how to fight, the one who helped him through his divorce withe eve, you were his best friend.

*end flashback*

"...Shit" adam called seraphim, an idea occurred to him, how about they move up the next extermination, that way he has a reason to get down there sooner and bring you back, also slather some demons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you woke up in hell, the first thing you saw was someone trying to cut out your organs.

"WAAHH...MOTHERFUC-- WHAT THE HECK R U DOING??" You jumped up and started yelling at the demon.

"Calm down pretty boy, the cannibals pay good money for fresh organs like yours."

"Well guess what jackass I dont give tiny rats ass how good those fuckers pay you my organs aint for sale" and with that sentence you quickly kicked him in the nuts and when he fell to the ground brocke his neck. Yeah...you were kind but god help people who mess with you...literally.

"Well shit, never had to fight without wings."

"...Interesting, and here I thought I would have to come to your rescue in exchange for your soul." Came a...static voice from behind you.

"Uhhh...thank you?? I guess, but there will be no taking my soul." You looked at the grinning man in a red suit.

"Such a shame, you'd be my first fallen angel"

"...Ok, listen can I help you with something ooooorr??"

"Not particularly I just wanted your soul, but alas that ship has sailed, however since you just fell I assume you have no where to stay" his grin stretched a bit as he said that.

"Well, you assume correctly but Im not gonna agree to any deal you have to offer just for a place to stay"

"Well, well, you are smart one even though angles can be so gullible, but no there is no deal the only thing you'd have to do is perhaps act nice"

"I can do that." you answered finally smiling at the strange man.

"They are coming" you whispered to yourself. After you arrived in hell, Alastor offered you a place in the hazbin hotel and you were happy to take it. This was over 7 months ago, in that time you grew close to everyone who was there, they were your found family and now you will protect them even if its against you first family.

Today was the day of the extermination, the day you'd have to fight heaven, the day you's have yo fight Adam. Even though you never admitted to yourself you had deeper feelings for him than friendship, but since he literally went around fucking bitches that kind of lowered your hopes.

The fight was raging on. Since you were the one who literally trained these exorcists they were no match for you. However Alastor was supposed to take on Adam, and that worried you. You knew how powerful Alastor is supposed to be but you have seen Adam's powers first hand.

Just as you suspected Alastor couldn't take on Adam. So Charlie had to take over which made you even more worried. You climbed up and saw Adam hitting Charlie into the hazbin hotel sign.

"NO" you yelled

Adam turned towards you with a smile that said he was ready to kill, that disappeared however when he saw that it was you.

"(Y/N)...."

He looked at you for a moment when someone punched him out of no where.

"Oh shit" you said while looking at Adam flying away and than back at who punched him. Lucifer.

"Lucy?" U asked baffled. You met him when he was still in heaven. Personally you loved his creative ideas while the making of earth so you guys would talk a lot. You also found it highly unfair when he fell and considered going after him, but Adam held you back.

"...Who--? SHIT (Y/N)? Omg why tf are you down here??" He asked half pissed half happy to see you.

"Well a little this, a little that, you know, also I fucking fell so." You replied while hugging him.

"How many of you fuckers do I have to beat before I can take (Y/N) home with me" said Adam very pissed after crawling out from the window he was punched into.

"What?" You asked

"I'm the only one that matters, you messed with my daughter and now Im gonna fuck you" said Lucifer proudly smirking. Everyone went silent while you were trying to hold back your laughter.

"Khmm...its fuck you up, dad" corrected Charlie

"Wait what did I say?" Asked Lucifer confused.

After this a kind of...fight started between Lucifer and Adam. Well, only adam was fighting Lucifer was mostly changing forms.

It was quite funny to watch.

At the end Lucifer won over Adam and he wanted to kill him, but your body moved on its own and you threw yourself at Adam.

Charlie also told his dad to stop.

You stood up from Adams body.

"Take your angel army, and go home" you told him in a soft tone.

He painfully stood up and looked at you with sadness...and something you couldn't quite place.

"(Y/N)..." come with me, please. Is what he wanted to say, but he knew you are still mad at him and that your answer will be no. Or he just didn't want to seem vulnerable in-front of demons.

"I Almost got you, bitch"

Your lips twitched upwards a little bit.

"You wish, fucker"

And with that the angel army and adam flew up to heaven.

When adam arrived in heaven, something downed on him.

"Fuuuuuuckkk..IM GAY-"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is he an (at best) mid white man who thinks he is the shit?

Yes.

Is he a fucking loser though and a lil bitch

Also yes.

BUT YK WHAT.

HE IS FUNNY AF I LOVE HIM AND HIS SONGS R FUCKING AWSOME.

HOPE MY FELLOW ADAM ENJOYERS LIKED IT THOUGH😎

I hope you enjoyed your reading ladies gentleman and others, good afternoon good evening and good night🦖🧡

[kvetchlandia]

Sam Falk Novelist Philip Roth, Princeton, New Jersey 1964

"No one I know of has foreseen an America like the one we live in today. No one (except perhaps the acidic H. L. Mencken, who famously described American democracy as "the worship of jackals by jackasses") could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an Orwellian Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous commedia dell’arte figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? … However prescient "The Plot Against America" might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It’s the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine racist and an anti-Semite and a white supremacist sympathetic to Fascism, but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American hero 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. … Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow ideology of a megalomaniac." Philip Roth, 2018

If only he'd lived a few years longer, the horrors we inflicted on ourselves just a week ago would certainly have made Philip Roth plotz.

[vladdyissues]

i was so sleep deprived when i sent that previous ask, thought that now i got some sleep i'd add to the badger cereal content you've been reblogging because omg

comfort idea: pre-series, Vlad is well-known as Plasmius in the Ghost Zone, and a halfa. he is still a completely audacious bastard to everyone he runs across, but there's some respect for the tech and resources he can bring to a deal and how much he enjoys fucking with people

-thing is, he's the only halfa. up until Danny. and the 'Ghost Kid' is instantly assumed to be Plasmius' kid

-Vlad looks into the ghost kid and that is Jack and Maddie's kid, holy shit

-well! in THAT case! he'll happily take responsibility. actually offers to train the kid up, though there are definitely some training from hell moments that piss Danny off (but do actually help, which pisses him off more)

-by the point of Bitter Reunions, Vlad has changed his plans. he has no need to actively target and kill Jack, he just has to let him make a fool of himself again and again and again and, naturally, Vlad will look better by comparison

-he never lies once to Danny. he's a snarky jackass about the truth, but hey, so's Danny. he does not blink at ANY question he's asked, and Danny can sometimes get some fun out of calling him with a weird or even borderline illegal question, put him on speakerphone, and watch Sam and Tucker's faces as he answers (ex. "Hey what actually counts as murdering a ghost, and does [effect of fentonworks weapon] count." or "Any chance I can spin looking like i tried to kill the mayor?")

-increasingly enjoys fucking with both Jack and Maddie by hinting the Ghost Boy/Phantom is his and Jack's kid, even reveals he was ecto-irradiated to the point of developing ghostly abilities during AU!Bitter Reunions just to lay the foundation for it. Danny isn't let in on it until he's been on the end of enough of his parents' inventions to find it just as funny

-general relationship: snarky and full of terrible lessons, but completely honest and trusting.

The thing I love most about this is how much sense it makes. Though that seems to be the case with just about every headcanon you send me 😂

Of course everyone in the Ghost Zone is going to think that the First Halfa is somehow related to this New Halfa that just showed up. The ghosts in the Zone may be dead, but they're not [all] dumb.

I especially love Vlad adopting a Policy of Truth when it comes to Danny. No patronizing, no bullshit; just cold hard facts and you'd better be able to handle them, Daniel, because it's the only way you're going to survive (well, perhaps it's a little too late for that) your parents' hare-brained shenanigans.

Like, just imagine the banter and pithy, sarcastic sniping between these two. The adventures, the mishaps. Then toss in the occasional heartfelt moment of real, genuine danger where they both exercise and strengthen their trust in one another through conquering of fear and foe ahhhsljkdhfksjdhf

[kremlin]

can we invent a new type of science that is harder than physics. (hard as in objective). we need something to help balance out all the crackpot nonsense you jackasses keep making up.

[autisticlancemcclain]

When Shiro hears news of his mother’s death, his first thought is good riddance.

His second thought is fuck. Loudly, and repeated many times in his head. And out loud. In the middle of the night, sitting straight up in bed, startling his fiancé awake.

“T’kashi?” he mutters, eye squinted as he blindly pays the bedside table for his glasses. “What’s going on?”

Shiro’s mouth works on autopilot. “It’s my mother.”

As it always does when she is brought up, which is frequently due to her many life decisions, Adam’s face wrinkles as if he just bit into something very sour.

“Oh. What the fuck is she up to now?”

“Uh, the afterlife.”

Adam’s face freezes. Shiro chokes down hysterical laughter. It doesn’t work, and comes out kind of reedy and strangled.

“Mr. Shirogane,” comes the tinny voice from his phone, and Shiro startles.

“Oh, shit, yes. Sorry. Um. I wanted to ask about my brother. Where is he? When can I pick him up?”

There’s a hesitance from the other end that Shiro doesn’t like. He sits up straighter, if at all possible, and Adam’s face hardens — it has been a four year long fight, with his mother, to try to get Keith over as often as possible for even an ounce of stability, and not a fight they have won very frequently, but it is not one they’re willing to give up. Shiro has no doubt that the state will fight just as hard as his mother did.

Adam and Shiro will simply fight harder.

“The safety of the child is the state’s first concern,” the lawyer says neutrally.

“Great. Give me an address and twenty minutes, then, and I’ll bring him right home.”

The lawyer’s voice is steely. “He is home, with a lovely young couple who are happy to have him.”

“There is a lovely young couple who he is related to and whom he has familiarity with right here,” Shiro grits out. “Tell me where my brother is.”

The lawyer waits a moment. “It might be a difficult transition, you know. It would be nice for Keith to have a mother and a father, for once.”

Before Shiro can even blink, a hand reaches over and snatches the phone right from his face, and Adam throws it open onto the bedspread, presses speaker, and sets off.

“You listen here, you gristly assed motherfucker. Takashi has the right of next of kin. Failing proof of neglect or abuse, which you have tried and failed to invent on our end so many times the court as all but banned you from trying again, Keith is legally required to be placed in our home should Shirogane Saori be found incapable of care. And, as you can imagine, lying on a table in a morgue renders one quite incapable. If you don’t provide an address clearly and concisely in the next fifteen seconds, I will sue not only you and your firm, but you mother, your father, your children, and you dusty tailor, you ugly brown suit wearing hetero. Are we understood?”

There’s another stretch of silence, wherein despite the gravity of the situation Shiro considers proposing to his fiancé again, before the lawyer finally speaks.

“…Group home on 4th and King.”

“Thank you,” Adam says tersely, and slams the phone closed. He scoffs at it. “Fucking jackass. Someone should kill him.”

Shiro snorts. Then he giggles. Then he starts laughing, and then he can’t stop, and he laughs so hard tears come to his eyes, and then they don’t stop, either, and his breath hitches and a lump forms in his throat and his whole face starts to get itchy. Adam pulls him into him immediately, cradling him into his lap like he’s a child, and he goes without resistance because it’s Adam doing to holding, and because he doesn’t know where this sadness is coming from. He has hated his mother for more years than he has loved her. The only time he’s thanked her for anything in the last eight years was one he held Keith in the hospital, skipping his first day of high school to do it. She has been crueler than kind to him for most of his life.

But she was his mother, in many ways. In all ways except the ones that mattered. And apparently that counts for something.

“We need to go,” Shiro whispers, trying to lift his head. Adam gently presses it back into his neck, holding his arms around him.

“It’s four in the morning, starshine. Maybe we wait a few hours?”

“No.” The hoarseness of his own voice makes him wince. “He can’t…Adam, I don’t even like my mother, and look at me. Keith is going to be inconsolable. She carted him around like a baby doll. He loved her.”

Adam winces. He knows it’s true as much as Shiro does. Their mother’s erratic lifestyle has gifted Keith an assortment of attachment issues, as evidenced by the tantrums whenever she dropped him off at their apartment when she was bored.

Not that Keith understands the issue. Because he is four, and because he has gone through more things in his four years of life than many children will before they are even ten, but not enough to stop thinking his mother is the most important person on Earth.

Quickly they dress, shoving in whatever clothes are near without worrying about looking presentable. They don’t bother with much more than brushing their teeth, skipping shaving and breakfast and coffee in favour of speeding to the parking garage.

It only takes them fifteen minutes to get to the group home the lawyer has mentioned, and they waste no time in rushing up the steps, uncaring of social norms or etiquette as they ring the doorbell and stand fidgeting at the front door.

It takes a long time for the door to open. Shiro can’t help feeling like that is intentional.

“What,” barks the man at the door, as if their intent isn’t expressly obvious given the circumstance.

“I’m here to pick up my brother,” Shiro says as politely as he can manage. “Keith?”

“He’s sleeping,” says the man, who Shiro presumes is one of the foster parents running the home. “Come back tomorrow.” He tries to slam the door shut, but before he can register his own movement Shiro is slamming his hand against the door. The wood cracks under his palm.

He doesn’t bother saying anything. He doesn’t have it in him. He simply shoves the door open, sending the man stumbling, and strides in, remembering at the last second to try and keep quiet so as to not wake any other sleeping children. It takes him three tries to find the right room, but when he finally swings open the right door he knows, from the very second he sees the lump of blankets on the bottom bunk in the far right corner. He stands frozen for a moment at the door, watching his baby brother breathe, seeing the dried tear tracks on his face, the stutter of his breaths and shake of his chest. His thumb is firmly in his mouth, a habit he’s had broken for two years.

Shiro’s eyes begin to leak again. He feels Adam squeeze his bicep once in comfort, then wordlessly he walks off, gathering the messy scattering of Keith’s things into a large backpack. Trusting him to know or guess what belongs to his brother — all largely things they’ve bought him — Shiro approaches the bed, kneeling carefully at the edge of it. He reaches out and brushes Keith’s hair out of his face, gliding his thumb across his forehead. It wrinkles as Keith wakes, squinting his eyes up at Shiro in grogginess and confusion. It takes him a moment to register what’s going on, but Shiro knows the exact second it does, because his indigo eyes go blank the way they do when Keith is so far overwhelmed he can’t even come close to starting to process how he feels. Shiro braces himself for whatever vitriol, likely directly quoted from their mother, is about to come out of his mouth.

“I don’t want you,” Keith cries. He makes a sound in the back of his throat, cracked and strained; a long, keening cry. His face twists up and he glares at Shiro in what can only be described as betrayal, as if it’s Shiro’s fault their mother is gone, as if it was Shiro’s evil plan to take her away forever so he can never go back.

He wouldn’t even be surprised if that’s what their mother has told him. It hurts anyway.

“I know,” he chokes out, hushed. He brushes his thumb over Keith’s forehead again, slow, from temple to temple, and to his surprise his brother leans into it slightly as his breaths hitch with sobs. “I know, baby.”

He exchanges a look with Adam, who, God Shiro loves him so much, understands immediately: they have ten minutes.

Two years ago, when their mother dropped Keith off at his doorstep one day and fucked off to Atlanta for a week, Shiro decided enough was enough. Keith was convinced she was coming back to get him every morning and was devastated when she didn’t. It was an endless, sisyphian cycle. Shiro took the day off school, took his limited funds, and brought Keith to a paediatric specialist. It was of course not the most thorough evaluation, as that was something that could only be done with time, but there was almost definitely some valuable input. Shiro learned, in harried, layman’s terms, that their mother’s flakiness meant Keith always believed he was about to be left behind. Her babying of him lead him to believe that he was at fault when that happened. When he was actually happened, he was prone to tears and affection, trying to win back his mother, trying to prove that he was a good enough baby doll for her, basically.

And if that doesn’t work…well. Then the hurt and the anger start, and God knows how long it will last.

“Ten minutes,” Adam mutters, stuffing one last thing into the backpack and shoving it over his shoulders. “Let’s go.”

Taking the blanket with him, because fuck these guys, Shiro lifts his baby brother up, holding him tightly to himself, pressing his face into his neck. He starts to powerwalk down the hallway back to the front door, Adam close behind him. He vaguely hears the same man who opened the door start to argue with them, start to try to stop them, and he trusts Adam to handle it, because all he can hear in his head is a countdown. If they don’t make it to the car in time and Keith starts really wailing, they are going to take him away, and Shiro knows he will never get fucking visiting rights because the family court system is the most broken thing in America, and Keith will be shoved into some random group home that doesn’t care about him and won’t care about him and he’ll be treated like shit or worse not treated like anything at all, and he will grow up thinking that there is no one who loves him and no one to turn to and Shiro will never forgive himself or his mother or the world.

He needs to get his brother to the car.

He rushes down the beaten down concrete steps as fast as he can while still being careful in the dark. The car is half a block away, the only place they could find parking, and he starts to jog, ignoring the ache in his arms. He’s held Keith for longer. At the seven minute mark, he registers yelling voices and a door slam and Adam’s rapid footsteps behind him, and by the ninth they make it to their beat up piece of shit fourth-hand car, throwing open the back door, setting Keith down gently, bucking the kid in as quickly as they can manage.

Shiro has lost count of how much time they have, if they have any at all. His heart pounds so rapidly he can feel it everywhere in his body. He’s bitten the inside of his cheek so harshly he can taste blood. He feels like he’s gonna throw up.

He’s barely thrown a seatbelt on by the time Adam shifts into gear and tears out onto the busy street, cars honking at him. Shiro meets his eyes in the rearview mirror, trying to find strength in his look, in his support. He tries to tell himself that the worst part is over, now; Keith is with him, beside him in the back seat, Keith is going to stay with him forever, now, he is going to make his baby brother’s life stable from now on. They are starting to swim their way out of the deep end.

And then the wailing starts.

It’s loud. Keith takes a huge, deep breath, then lets out a noise that Shiro can only describe as agonised, so big and heavy that it pulls on his little body, straining against the seatbelt. His face is bright red from the force of it, and Shiro can count his teeth with how wide open his mouth is. Bizarrely, Shiro wonders if he’s loud enough for the windows to break, or their eardrums. He’s not sure if his own pain comes from his ears or his heart.

“I want my mama!” Keith sobs, shouts, screams, cries. “I want my mama! I want my mama!”

“I know,” Shiro whispers again, for what feels like the millionth time that night. Between Keith’s stuttering breaths Shiro hears Adam’s soft cries, looks up to see tears streaming down his face. He’s surprised to find his own face dry as a bone, the lump in his throat he’d felt earlier completely disintegrated. He feels hollowed out. “I know, Akira. I know. I know.”

Shiro wonders if this is what it feels like to drown.

[scolbert22]

My sink was broken, AGAIN. And my landlord Dwight was still too cheap to call a real plumber, so he was back once again to do another half-assed repair job. 

“Listen buddy, I’m gonna take care of it for real this time, quit your bitchin’” He drawled in his light southern accent as he scratched at his cheesy moustache. 

Luckily, his unwelcome presence in my home meant I could play a little target practice with my new invention. I called it the “slut ray”. It was a little gun I’d made from spare parts I’d “borrowed” from work. It warps a man’s libido, brain, and body to make them sexier and more open to “fun”. At least, that was what it was meant to do, I had never actually tried it out before. But seeing my landlord’s ass waving in the air obliviously, I knew this was the perfect chance to work out any kinks on a live subject.

I snuck up behind him in my socks, careful not to make any noise. I pointed the gun right at his plumber’s crack, closed my eyes, and squeezed the trigger. I heard a slam and my landlord grunt loudly. 

I opened my eyes excitedly, and then realized with disappointment that the jackass had just smacked his head on the underside of the sink. Otherwise there was no change. Maybe I missed? I held my breath and lifted the gun again, this time keeping my eyes open. I fired at him again. This time, I watched as he arched his back and moaned softly. And then....

No further change. Dammit, it’s clearly way too weak. I shot at him again out of frustration. This time he didn’t even seem phased. I walked back to my room, defeated. I knew that invention is a lot of trial and error, but I’d had really high hopes for this one. 

I was poring over my notes, trying to figure out what I’d done wrong when I felt a presence over my shoulder. I slammed by notebook closed as I whirled around. What I saw made my jaw drop. 

It was Dwight, but barely. My slob of a landlord now looked like a hot college student wearing a “Sexy Dwight” costume for Halloween. He looked fitter, curvier, handsomer. Even his moustache and plumber’s crack were sexy now. But I could see in his face that it was still him, however improved that face may be.

“Golly Mister Masters, I didn’t mean tah surprise ya!” his light drawl seemed to have morphed into a goofy impression of itself, and now he sounded like a sexy Gomer Pyle. “You don’t haff to worry none about me spyin’ on ya though, I ain’t too good a reader.” He scratched the back oh his head, flashing a hairy pit. 

The three blasts I gave him must have built on each other, and the delayed reaction sent him past slut and turned him into a lewd pinup drawing come to life. Oh my gosh, I realized. This isn’t a slut ray, it’s a porn ray! I’ll have to up the power for the next trial.

“I jist swung by to say I was in yer kitchen and I couldn’t figure out why, fer the life o’ me! I guess I musta jist plum fergot!” To be honest, the accent was growing on me.

I reached in my mind for something to say to this impossible version of my landlord. Then I had the most perfect idea.

“Well Dwight, we were just going to talk about how I don’t think I’m gonna be able to pay next month’s rent, and I was wondering if we could come to some other kind of arrangement...?” 

A dim spark flashed behind  Dwight’s vacant eyes and he smiled idiotically. “Well Mister Masters, yer in luck! I’m always willin’ to barter.” He wiggled his ass at me bawdily. It was clear this new invention was going to make my life a whole lot easier.

[jaeedraszaerysz]

JOHNNY, BAM, STEVE-O, CHRIS AND RYAN WITH A NORTHERN ENGLISH S/O

Notes: this might have some more teesside oriented aspects so I apologise and I try to keep it as neutral as possible while still writing decent shit ✨️

Warnings: swearing, injury (obv u fuckin dumbass), sexual references??

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Will 100% dress up in a suit and take you to a fancy ass restaurant while working his shittiest English accent

Got confused as fuck when you started using any slang/roadman terms

Defos uses words wrong

Went round calling everyone wanker for a full day

Thought chav was a fucking food at first defos

LOVES HEARING U SPEAK

will listen to u chat for hours

MY DAYS HES OBSESSED

So let's say jackass came to England yea

And u went up north to visit ur mates and stuff yea

Wouldn't understand a fuckin thing u was on about if u were talking to your mates

Thought a parmo was a sex move and was GOBSMACKED

He defos went to a pub with u and the guys and they got the piss ripped of them by a bunch of sweaty geezas in their 50s 😭

Take him to any beach and you will 100% have to restrain him from jumping of the end of a pier into a bunch of rocks

Caught onto u saying innit so much and now says it unironically and the guys have a laugh taking the mick out of him

Poor sod

But he's devoted to you

Defos would make roadman and chav skits w u outside a maccies or a tesco extra

BAM MARGERA

Asking if u know every single British rockstar to ever exist

Was confused when u told him it was almost 5 hours from London to anywhere near ur gaff

Got scrapped by a bunch of year 7s outside a one stop if u took him to England

Takes the mick out of yu in a cute way

Copies ur words

DEFOS TOLD JOHNNY TO PACK IT IN ONCE AND U WERE FUCKING CREASING

Told him u met Janick Gers from iron maiden and had drinks wiv him in the pub one time and he almost diedddd.

You could defos persuade him to dress up in a Adidas traccy and run fru ur local shopping center screaming sweet Caroline and tripping over eachother

you took him to hmv?

Big mistake

He never wants to leave

Defos has all the badges and posters

Spent an hour minimum sat on the floor with you looking at the band t shirts

Would complain constantly about weather but would kiss you in the rain

Got stuck in a shitty kids swing at the park

CHRIS PONTIUS

Lives for your voice

Copies ur every word

If u took him to ur hometown he would cling onto your arm and NOT let go

Called someone a geezer at a local boots and got scrapped

Yano them rando tarzees kids make out of rope and stuff but their always like 50 meters of the ground?

He found one

Jumped off

Flew like a mufucken bird

BEANS ON TOAST

WHAT AN INVENTION

His mind was opened to the 4th dimension that day

Imagine he pulled a party boy stunt in the town center

GOT CALLED A NONCEWING BY A BUNCH OF CHAVS

Wore a tie everywhere u went while u were their

Says oh my days religiously now

Fails a stunt? Oh my days

Trips? Oh my days

Bam pulls a rocky on him? Oh my fucking days

LOVES YOU SM THO

His little English, tea drinking princess

STEVE-O

Steve-o lived in England for alot of his childhood, always on the move so he was a bit more calm than most

BUT CAUSE HE WAS FROM DOWN SOUTH AND YOU UP NORTH THAT DONET STOP HIM

makes fun of northern chavs and compares them

Says the North is like a diff country all together js on account of the people and the weather

Thinks ur footie teams r shite

Defos got kicked up the arse for that one

Meal deals man

His fave thing after you

Esp from tescos

LYNX AFTERSHAVE IS HIS THING OMFS

Understands some British slang but is still confused by majority of ur convoz with people from ur home town

TAKE HIM TO FLAMINGO LAND

INSTANT MAYHEM

Sold gimicky vapes to some year 8s and fucking pissed himself laughing when they realised

RYAN DUNN

Swears at everyone with "posh words"

Wanker, bell-end, twat, muppet, cunt.

Picked up the accent on the words too

Fucking fab tha

GOT APPROACHED BY A PROZZIE

was terrified

Defos asked where her teeth were and got chased off

Thinks corner shops in England r the best thing ever

Manjaros? The takeaway not the mountain?

LOVED IT

DONNER KEBAB ✨️💅

Has been chased by council estate grannies for shoving you into people's gardens

Sat with you at the top of those shitty rope climbing frames in the park and u had a legit romantic moment

SPOILER ALERT! bam got photos of u kissing up there

Yano them random tunnels under the main roads yea?

Went down them wiv u and u ended up in a field with him laying on your chest and looking at the stars

[teecupangel]

Yknow what, fuckin crossover time. Desmond crossover with Tangled The Series (or whichever name you wanna use). He’s a bartender so he’d get in great with Varian and his alchemy. The moonstone and black rocks are some Isu fuckery and it reacts to Des cause…sun? Zahn Tiri gets bitch slapped cause this jackass got nothing on Juno. Just…I think it’d be fun and I really want Varian to have more friends. #justiceforvarian

Does it have any other title? I only know it as Tangled the Series XD

I kinda like the idea of him owning the bar in the movie but, since we’re focusing on the series here, let’s say he owns the tavern in the castletown.

He’s been… ‘unintentionally’ adopting street urchins by letting them do errands for him while providing them with food and a room on the second floor of his tavern.

(It was meant to be for guests but his tavern’s customers are mostly local. The most use those rooms had were too drunk patrons he let sleep there instead of trying to walk out of the tavern.

His best sellers are cocktail drinks he invented himself (remembered from his old world) and that made him earn the name ‘Concoction Meister’.

… from a very drunk regular who got the entire tavern shouting it.

It kinda stuck later on.

It’s because of this that Varian checked the tavern out because he mistook the name as something connected to alchemy.

It wasn’t but Desmond let him have a mocktail (“No alcohol for you, kid”) and he became a regular there who liked to talk to Desmond about his ideas because Desmond can keep up (thanks to his Bleeds, most of the time) and even has ideas of his own at times.

Then Rapunzel was found and things happened…

Desmond wasn’t really planning on getting in the middle of any of these.

For one, he was find just chilling as a tavern owner.

The kingdom was peaceful and he was cool thinking of this kinda like his retirement.

Then…

He started to see Varian change…

And something inside him just keeps sending alarms all over.

Like something big was going to happen.

And he didn’t know what yet.

.

Unorganized Notes:

So in this one, Desmond is a sorta morality pet of Varian (a morally ambigious morality pet XD). He might even become one for Cass if you want but the main point is that he and Varian are close enough that, when shit hits the fan, Varian would confide on Desmond because he believed Desmond would understand him. That’s where Varian’s arc would change.

Desmond doesn’t make a Brotherhood in this one but he does have an information network that lets him know things a commoner should not know.

That information network (which includes kids Desmond sorta adopted) are gonna be Varian’s support group because they see Varian as part of their family of misfits. The kids even call him ‘big bro’ at times and think of him as one of them.

(Not that Varian and Desmond think that any adopting was happening).

So you wanted the moonstone to be an Isu related bs. This does mean that the Sundrop flower will also become an Isu related bs XD

And, no, we are not making Desmond be influenced by the Sundrop flower.

But he does react to it and the moonstone.

Because he was brought back from the dead using the same ‘mechanics’ that created the sundrop flower back in his world.

His darkened arm with golden circuitry that he hides is actually evidence. Because the light of his arm?

It’s the same golden glow that Rapunzel’s hair had when she still had the power of the sundrop flower.

And it was by punching Zahn Tiri with said arm that he kinda… skipped a few ‘episodes’ and just finished the big boss fight XD

[centrally-unplanned]

As I normally do, I very much enjoyed Folding Idea's latest video, an interpretative discussion/cinematography flex about James Rolfe aka Angry Video Game Nerd. Anyone treating the history of the internet with the depth it contains, as a culture & medium unto itself, is gonna get a win in my book.

It also hit on a point I find myself always coming back to in cultural history; how often people confuse chronology & causation. The Angry Video Game nerd is, of course, one of the most influential "Youtubers" to ever exist, by virtue of being one of the first ever do, in video format, media reviews via a comedic lens. There are years where you can say he was the center of the whole genre. He inspired legions of imitators, some incredibly directly referencing him in their identity, and when you talk to a ~30 year old online creator today who does things adjacent to that space, you can bet good money they watched AVGN when they were a teen.

(I didn't - my stereotypical influence is the Red Letter Media Prequel Reviews)

But is he that influential? Depends on your meaning, of course. Because when you ask people what that influence is, they say something like "pioneering comedic, caustic, hyperbolic review video essays". Which, he did, but he invented none of those parts. As the above video outlines, caustic, exaggerated reviews of media have been around for about as long as reviews have existed as a consumer product; making them entertaining for their own sake is an incredibly logical leap to take. AVGN was coming around in a time where slapstick violence and faux-rage was entirely the vibe of the internet; Penny Arcade had been doing its thing for over half a decade before AVGN's first video was published.

And more importantly, video content in those days was obviously going to lean towards things like comedy and "skit" styles compared to say text reviews, because it complemented the medium better. It takes a lot of niche craft to make a rage speech pop on text; it's much more accessible to just be a good actor and be visibly raging. Going even more downstream, the "media mix" of people consuming content about the art they like or engage with was so old hat by the 2000's that consumer brands were using it as fucking jargon in marketing meetings. There isn't a world where this kind of content would not have appeared. It had to, the culture demanded it.

This is no grand dig at AVGN of course - this is to some extent true of all artists. As Olsen's video notes, what set AVGN apart was that James Rolfe was not a game reviewer; he was a filmographer, he had gone to film school, he was trying to make movies. Which in 2004 meant that he had a ton of cameras and lighting and equipment to make viable content in a way others did not. He had a technological advantage in exploring a new medium, one that would fade as webcams and lighting rings became as cheap as dirt, or shift as markets for crazy stuff like vtuber rigs would evolve. And of course the specific way he went about his content did imprint itself on the medium.

But not thaaat much; I think time has not been kind to AVGN. The humor is of course dated to its time, the MTV's Jackass of video game reviews. And as the medium of self-published video essays has evolved, the medium discovered approaches far better than comedic skit shows. Much longer content is possible, you can ride on parasociality and authenticity instead of endless "joke moments" (Or go the reverse - every comedy video from the old days is too long, a tiktok-level joke stretched over 5 minutes). Some of this was tech dependent as well, of course - youtube had duration limits on uploads in 2005! Making 4 hour Star Wars Hotel videos was not possible outside of stringing "Part 1 of 37" video playlists together. But time and culture marches on as well, and I don't think the average creator today is pulling from 2005 Youtube much at all, really. They are different eras.

As mentioned, if you ever deal with doing causation in cultural history, you run into this all the time - people essentially going "work X was first, and therefore invented the genre and influenced all after". And I don't think it really works that way - establishing causation just takes far more detail than that.

[mrsshiesty]

Winter Mood; Joe Burrow

Summary: You get dragged onto a snowy trip by Joe and end up having a blast.

Word count: 1335

——————————————————————————

“Do I have to go?” You whined.

“You would be the best girlfriend ever if you did.” Joe begged.

Joe was dragging you on a late winter trip with his family. The only component causing hesitation was the negative degree weather. You loved snow activities but hate the weather. In addition, you had just gotten back from a forced trip to Aspen, Colorado with your family. You were practically tired of the snow and the cold.

“Ugh, fine. But you will have to come ski with me. You need to experience it at least once!”

“I mean technically I can since it’s not season but I don’t want to risk any injuries.” Joe replied.

“Then I-” You started.

“Nope, you already said yes.” Joe cut you off.

“Appreciate your hustle, though.” You said turning into your walk-in closet to pack. You decided to just go and you knew this would make him happy.

“Love you.” He yelled down the room.

Tossing through your winter section of the closet, unsure of what to pack, you just threw in a few North Face jackets and snow pants alongside some thermal wear. Joe walked in to pack too.

“Babe, where’s that Moncler Toshiba Clashiba jacket you got me for my birthday last year?” He asked.

“Pft. It’s called the Washiba and I returned it.” You clarified.

“What! Why did you?” He exclaimed.

“Moncler would never sell anything to us ever again if they heard you call the Washiba jacket a Toshiba whatever.” You said as you pulled out the short-down jacket from a corner.

“Quit the jokes.” He chuckled stuffing the jacket into his duffel.

“You started it.” You smiled.

_____________________________________________

Next morning

“Y/n, you don’t need that many layers right now. We’re just going to the airport.” Joe laughed seeing you bundled up.

“You’re going to regret wearing shorts once you get off that airplane.” You disagreed.

“I hope that you are aware of a so-called invention called a heater.” He retorted.

“Knew you would be a jackass this weekend. Which is why I brought the other inventions. The ones that I am aware of.” You winked.

“Naughty girl. Doubt you’ll need silly little toys.” He smirked sliding a hand down.

“ Get in the car Burrow.” You scoffed.

_____________________________________________

Post plane ride

Luckily Joe secured a pilot for a private flight which resulted in you sleeping the entire time. Stepping onto the tarmac, the cold breeze hits your skin immediately.

“You cold?” Joe asked as you shivered.

“Nope! Not at all. I’m so glad we decided to escape to this secluded island with warm weather instead of going to some igloo state.” You gushed with sarcasm.

“Sure is going to be insatiable for my desire to have a little fun this weekend.” Joe muttered.

Noticing your comment got to him after realizing the tone in his voice and the sad look on his face. Wrapping your hands around his torso, you laid your cheek against his back as he bent down to grab a beanie from his bag.

“You know I’m just kidding right? I’d go anywhere with you. I’m actually looking forward to this weekend.” You said softly.

“You’re forgetting that I’m made of tungsten. That didn’t get to me, sweetheart.” He laughed.

“I’m going to throw so many snowballs at you, you aren’t even ready.” You smiled.

Greeting Joe’s family who all arrived at the Air Bnb before you both arrived. You helped out making dinner with the rest of the crew in the kitchen while Joe played Super Smash Bros with his nephews. After dinner, you walked into the bedroom with Joe already in bed.

“So we decided we’re leaving for the resort tomorrow morning. It's only a 10-minute drive from here. There’s a spot inside where you can chill and watch me tear up the mountains.” You told him after making plans with Joe’s brothers and their wives.

“Can’t wait to watch you tear up a mountain.”

“I just realized you never watched me ski before. I still can’t believe you have never skied or snowboarded like ever!”

“Snow activities aren’t really my cup of tea.” He said.

“Whatever. You’ll be stuck babysitting the kids.” You piped.

“I guess you’re going to be the one teaching our kids how to” Joe gushed.

You beamed at the concept of having kids with Joe. Joe noticed recently how obsessed you were with little kids at the moment, not to mention how good you were with them as well. “Yeah, I guess so.” You grinned.

_____________________________________________

Next morning

Waking up to Joe in bed, lying on his back with his pillow folded in half for extra height and his arms flexed behind his head, realizing that all the pillows were around you. Quickly jumping out of bed to shower and briefly do your makeup since your face would be covered with all the gear anyways. Coming out of the bathroom ready to go, you notice Joe right next to the door.

“Morning, Babe!” You chirped.

“Good morning beautiful. Looks like someone’s in a fabulous mood this morning, you totally look like a local here. Definitely the most gorgeous one.” Joe smiled with his sleepy eyes.

“Thanks and I am. Go peek out the window, it looks like a winter wonderland.” You said.

“I think I’m going to save the ‘I-told-you-so’ lecture until we get back home.” He chuckled.

“Okay! Go get ready! We have a fun day ahead of us.” You said swatting his bare chest.

Since none of the ski participants brought their own gear, you all decided to go to a small business rental shop before the rush hour hit. Leaving Joe at the Air BnB, you return to him just a few steps ahead of you on the front porch.

“Babe, where’d you go?” You huffed struggling to carry all your stuff and noticing him carrying a drink carrier.

“This one coffee shop down the street. Here, it’s your usual.” He said handing you a cup.

“A little busy here.” You muttered trying to step into the house.

“Here give me that.” Joe said as he threw your poles across his shoulder and grabbed your skis.

“Damn, this shit is heavy as hell.” He grunted. Scurrying into the house, he handed you your drink.

“Hmm iced light caramel macchiato with an extra shot of expresso. You know me too well.”

“Only psychopaths drink iced coffee in this weather.”

Switching different cars, snuggling into Joe’s side for those 10 minutes.

“We’re here!” Robin exclaimed, excited to hit the slopes. “Okay, kids. Listen to Uncle Joe and Grandpa, be good.” Joe’s sister-in-law was hushing her kids.

“So that’s the lift, it takes you all the way up. And the-” You were starting to say.

“Sweets, I know how the whole experience works, you don’t gotta’ explain it to me.” Joe rolled his eyes.

“Alright then. I’m going to go now.” You hollered pulling him into a bear hug.

“Be safe out there and come back soon.” He said kissing your forehead and pulling down your goggles off your helmet and onto your eyes as you giggled.

“These are sick! I should wear these for my season opener outfit!”

“Oh my god stop.” You laughed as you started walking towards the exit of the lodge.

Joe watched you glide through the slopes over and over again. Just happy to see you having fun. After your thighs bursts into flames, you decided to go check on Joe.

“Hey, there's the novice!” He yelled.

“Novice?” You questioned.

“I saw you fall a couple of times and do the splits at least twice.” He laughed.

“I fell twice.” You said flatly. Breaking into a loud laugh couple of seconds later.

“I love you, I’m glad I came even though I can feel a sore throat coming in.”

“Shoot! I gonna need to use that throat of yours tonight though.”

“Joey shh.” You guided your hands towards his dad sitting a few feet away.

“I love you more.”