#intracommunity

[0w0tsuki]

God damn "dude/man/guy is gender neutral actually" discourse is really a sign y'all are fucking hopeless. Because the bar is quite literally on the FUCKING FLOOR.

You know the stereotypical "performative cis liberal ally"? The one who upon acknowledging they've been corrected about an accidental misgendering, turns it into an entire god damn show of apologizing and telling you how HARD they're working to gender you correctly. Yeah if you're someone who defends the use of dude and man as gender neutral terms guess what? Even with making every apology a grand display at least they're fucking apologizing and putting forth an effort to show you that they're putting your interests in mind.

Which is more than can be said of you.

Imagine if they were told they accidentally deadnamed you. And instead of the usual acting like they just accidentally hit their own fucking child they went "Actually I think [DEADNAME] is pretty androgynous and could be used for anyone of any gender! I'm not going to use it now that you have corrected me! But I just wanted you to know I didn't see myself as explicitly misgendering you when I used [DEADNAME]"

We are asking for the BARE MINIMUM amount of effort! Literally all you have to do is if your going to insist that "Using gender neutral terms when referring to somebody even when their actual gender is readily available information is actually the correct way to gender somebody online" that at the VERY LEAST use actual gender neutral terms instead of dude/guy/man. You don't even give up your use of it in your everyday life. You're only being asked to think about this in spaces where trans women are common such as online queer spaces.

That is how little trans women not being misgendered left and right in places that sell themself as safe for her matters to you. It matters so little that you can't even be asked to not do the barest minimum to not contribute to an environment where anyone who wants to misgender a trans woman with no repercussions can just Dude her knowing full well that she will view it as misgendering and fall back on "oh I was just being gender neutral. YoU sHoUdN't AuToMaTiClY aSsUmInG pEoPlE's GeNdErS!!" Which is a common enough occurrence that we have to have this fucking discourse.

The bar is on the floor and y'all are digging holes just to not have to face the smallest of inconveniences. Performative allies are fucking lapping you. You should be embarrassed.

Do better

[arotechno]

the way the aro community talks about attraction is inadequate

Disclaimer: The following is in no way intended to invalidate, shame, or "call out" anyone for using whatever language or terminology they see fit to describe their own experiences. This is about community-wide trends and pressures, rather than individual choices.

As an aroace, I've never felt a particular desire to label other types of attraction I may or may not feel. Identifying as aroace is a way for me to express my disconnect with what society at large views as healthy, normal, valuable, and aspirational; that is, a committed, monogamous, sexual and romantic relationship. I don't want those things. I'm not able to even understand them. But by and large, beyond that, I don't find the framework of different types of attraction very useful at all.

This is the fatal flaw of the split-attraction model in its most advanced form: it's predicated on the idea that there are distinct types of attraction that can be qualified and quantified in neat and tidy boxes. Just as there are people for whom romantic and sexual attraction cannot be separated, there are many (like myself) for whom the very concept of attraction breaks down more and more the more you try to categorize it.

Here's the thing: relationships (of any kind) aren't inherently predicated on attraction, just as they aren't necessarily predicated on love. We can understand, as a community, why an aro person might have a successful romantic relationship despite not feeling romantic attraction, or why an ace person might enjoy engaging in sex even if they are not sexually attracted to their partner. Attraction does not equal action. So why, then, must we make the assumption that everyone must categorize their feelings in terms of attraction at all? This is how we end up with terms like queerplatonic attraction, which warps the original definition of queerplatonic such that a QPR becomes something predicated on a separate kind of attraction that is more unique and special than "regular" platonic feelings, rather than being a broad type of non-romantic relationship that is deliberately built and developed by the people in it based on their own personal needs and desires, and not necessarily based on some ephemeral type of attraction.

This sort of trend towards hyper-categorization is extremely frustrating to someone like me, who doesn't view their relationships or their feelings for others in terms of attraction at all. I'm not platonically "attracted" to my friends, I don't think. I love them platonically (deeply, unconditionally, almost like family), but naming it as attraction makes me almost uncomfortable. Others may not feel that way and that's fine. It's no skin off my nose how people choose to talk about their own feelings. But the implicit expectation in a lot of aro spaces is that you will label your attraction, your feelings, your experiences, your desires, your orientations according to such-and-such paradigms, as if we can wordsmith our way out of simply understanding one another. As if the diversity of aromantic experiences were something we need to break down and quantify.

All of these things are socially constructed. Sex, romance, love, relationships, attraction. That doesn't make them not real, but they are not divinely granted concepts with their own inherent, easy-to-understand taxonomy. We make up the language necessary to describe complex and diverse human experiences as best we can, because it's the only way. But what is absolutely crucial to remember, as a crucial tenet of aro activism and beyond, is that none of these models work for every single person, and needn't be prescriptive.

[baeddelilluminati]

trans people who were cafab when they get treated like not a woman who retreat into womanhood opportunistically to maneuver away from transfeminist accountability

[arugula2048]

ik you prob wrote abt this ages ago but I wanted to say I appreciate your additions abt the 'almond mom' discussion. I saw it came from a child model almost fainting and the mother advising her to eat a couple of almonds chewed very slowly. So literally from eating disoreded mom harming and abusing child by purposefully malnourishing them. Ofc over time ppl posted more ambiguous things but what if the er mom was asked to comfort the child and 'did her steps' imstead? Or the mom eating salad (1/2

2/2 and the family eating heavier meals. Oftentimes the mom is visibly upset with the children so maybe they are 'breaking the cycle' by eating satisfying food after being told not to for many years? Like I agree we must not forget ppl acting 'strange' w food incl moms are victims of society which promotes disordered eating. But to actively push that on your child is cruel. And many ppl are not mentioning how strange their mom is but rather how it results in treating them, shamimg, policing them

I feel you, I could understand if the 'pacing bc she's worried and not ED' interpretation if it was one of many used in the analyses, but it irked me when so many bloggers just ran with that alone. Not very empathetic to the child, gyns, who in the post example was in the fucking ER, implying she wanted comfort but her mother prioritized her own body image instead... It's so funny (not funny) how they breezed past that part and was like "this bitter ungrateful child!! of course she's definitely lying about her mom to mock her"

It's an interesting analysis to focus fully and only on the 'almond mothers' in that post. But then to say that's the only way to see it and say that children are responsible for their mothers' healing is repulsive. I can't tell if that conclusion came from temporary tunnel vision, or if they never had a bad relationship with their mother, or if they no longer see themselves in the child now that they're adults, or if they're partly speaking from unresolved issues and believe that fixing their mothers will fix them too. They would've betrayed their younger selves just like their mothers did lol.

Not to mention, like you said, mothers are grown women and had decades to reflect on their experiences and illnesses to decide how they'd raise their daughters. As an adult and as a parent, they had that responsibility to step up for their children lol. The audacity of the ~approach your mother with a feminist mindset to break entire generational cycles of misogyny and EDs~ statement is unbelievable. To put that work on children? So the mothers shouldn't need to do anything? Why don't we start smaller with something kids can do?

I think that post got like that because of the whole "mother discourse" that had people acting as if someone said 'mothers should be officially recognized as a subhuman class' instead of 'I prioritize girls because they're the common denominator demographic of all women'. Cue the overcompensation and almost victim-blaming kids who were coached to get EDs. They seriously looked at a kid in the ER and blame her for her mom being fucked up, no one in that post contested that first reply. Yikes, but that's the internet, I guess.

Thank you for the message, I'm glad we felt seen by each other. Have a good day, anon!

[the-tipsy-tailor]

reasons i don't belong at synagogue:

too old for the young people and too young for the old people.

too autistic.

too crazy.

childless on purpose.

not going to marry a nice jewish person.

too quiet.

too anxious.

too shy.

messy jewish ancestry.

i love my synagogue, i really do. there's a reason i'm a member and am pursuing affirmation through them. they're queer and leftist and do social justice work. but man do i feel unwanted.

[baeddelilluminati]

its because there are dedicated transmasculine TWEFs who want to save face and build political momentum against us. the conspiracy is right in front of us and people have already linked the transandrophobia "theorist" intellegencia with terfs with hard evidence.

there are countless useful idiots who jump on the bandwagon even though that bandwagon is next in line to go off the cliff once we are exterminated enough

wild to me how many trans women can say "I do not believe transmascs do not face oppression. in fact, I agree that transmascs and transfems are both oppressed, but they are not oppressed equally. additionally, transmascs are not oppressed because they identify as masculine, because there is really not a social organization that encourages the oppression of men (trans or not) on the basis of their gender. transmascs are oppressed for being trans, but not for being masculine. additionally, saying that trans women have some kind of privilege over trans men because of their gender implies to an extent that trans women are men. in fact, some transmascs will try to argue this so hard that they misgender themselves in their own argument. this is what trans women say when they mean that transandrophobia does not exist: not that they believe that trans men are not oppressed, but that their oppression does not come primarily from their gender identity" and do the tumblr post equivalent of highlighting each sentence neon yellow and there will STILL be people from transandrophobia circles going like "oh so you don't think trans men get oppressed???? you don't think we've SUFFERED enough???? stupid baeddel bitch i hope you get hit by a car" in the notes and in their anons. the poor are drowning in piss at this point

[trans-androgyne]

Thinking about those claims that “trans women have to spend hours getting ready to pass but trans men just have to throw on a hoodie” while reading this full chapter about how to pass as a trans guy in Lou Sullivan’s book. Much of it requires being very wealthy to get the right clothes (and wear nothing colorful and fun). Some of the other advice is to cut out sideburns, shave your peach fuzz, darken your eyebrows/use makeup to make you look older and more masc, work out to combat thin arms and “dainty” hands, keep fingernails short, and of course bind and pack properly. There’s a lot of advice about body language and acting masc. And man does it hit as someone a couple years on T that still rarely gets gendered properly even by people who know I’m trans and try their best.

[rawstrap]

I've seen people say terf rhetoric is any hatred of men and I've seen people say terf rhetoric is anything transphobic said by anyone. the refusal to actually engage with the reality that terfism is primarily focused on oppressing trans women is in itself a form of transmisogyny. yes they hate all trans people, but it is quite easy to see who they primarily target with their words, actions and policies, you just don't want to care about trans women. claiming someone is a man hater doesn't mean you get to call them a terf or a radfem, thats an obvious, willfull dilution and denial of what terfs are.

[queerical]

all this fucking talk of "stealing" with the queer community. "gays are stealing from lesbians" "aces are stealing from gays" "transes are stealing from everyone" absolutely convinced white queers learned about cultural appropriation and decided it could be applied to sexuality and gender and it became entrenched becuz ppl are fucking obsessed with gatekeeping and exclusionism

besties, we are all in the alphabet soup together. the lines between us are blurred as hell. we are not stealing, we are inspired. our culture is bright and beautiful and a street fair that everyone trades at. quit being so goddamn individualistic and embrace the community. it's the only way we have solidarity

[terminated-baeddel9]

gave up on the blog now that she's back or frustrated with the discourse or both?

hi feb 11th anon

yeah i did get kinda disillusioned with this blog but also jez came back to tumblr so i was like, what ever x2. but she's been terminated again. she wasnt stiring shit so i dont know why. i worry that people hold grudges against people for when they behave poorly while under immense levels of mental distress and then go out of their way to try fuck that person over, even if they've expressed remorse or apologised etc for their shitty behavior and haven't been repeating it

out community is so overzelous with punishment for any perceived transgressions or rudeness. we cannibalise eachother and its a fucking miserable state of affairs.

[throesofincreasingwonder]

You know what? I want a whole post for this:

Sex Repulsion is not the same thing as, or an excuse for, Sex Negativity

non-negotiable!

I am a sex-repulsed asexual. This means that I am uncomfortable and repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual acts. This does not mean that I have an excuse to be repulsed by other people's sexual attraction or the right to police how other people engage in or express sexual acts or attraction.

Young queer people need to learn the difference between sex repulsion and sex negativity, and actively work to unlearn sex-negative attitudes. Asexuality, even sex-repulsed asexuality, is and should be fully compatible with sex positivity.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of other people feeling sexual attraction or engaging in sexual acts that do not involve you in any way, that is not sex repulsion it is the cultural Christianity and you need to seriously work on that.

[satyrradio]

sigh.

[starryjoy]

The amount of times I've been told from a transmasc they try not to engage in a specific kink in online spaces out of fear of getting called out and harassed endlessly genuinely breaks my heart.

The amount of transmascs who like transfems I have talked to who have confided in me that they have actually so many harder kinks than they let on because they don't want to be wrongly accused of being transmisogynistic is staggering.

This is going on my main and idc I'm going to fully say it, the amount of trans guys I, a trans woman with a massive misogyny kink, had to convince that it was okay and allowed for them to reciprocate with enjoyment towards some of my kinks, is insanely high.

And it seems like no one cares. It seems like no one gives a shit when transmascs get harassed for kinks. Like don't get me wrong, many people don't give a shit for trans women that this happens to either. But it seems like people don't even think that it's a possibility that it could happen to other people.

No one should have their kinks examined and pulled apart and outed for the whole world to see. Everyone should be allowed to write whatever kind of smut and porn they want. And yet so many transmascs are scared, are terrified, of doing so.

And here I'll be honest, it hurts a little bit for selfish reasons as well- so many of these people could have been writing beautiful smut that I would have loved for years, but before meeting me they were too scared to even admit things to themselves. It's fucked y'all. Make trans people feel safe in exploring kink. Make any people in general safe.

[trans-androgyne]

"Oh so we're not allowed to say 'trans men are men' anymore? So you think they're women? You're a transphobe?"

What they actually said: "Ugh, gross, trans men really are the men of the trans community."

Times like this are when I need more people to be aware of the term "malgendering," the kind of transphobia where someone validates a trans person's gender identity just to use it against them. We can all tell all you're doing is applying your negative stereotypes of cis men to trans men, and it's not transphobic to call you out on it. Trans men do not become shittier people when they transition and you are awful for implying they do.

[tpwrtrmnky]

threat

[ID: Four panel comic with crudely drawn stick people.

Panel 1: A turquoise person is walking along a street while an olive green person comes running around the corner.

Olive: "Shit!"

Turquoise: "Huh?"

Panel 2: The olive green person dashes towards the turquoise person, who stands there cluelessly.

Olive: "Run. Now!"

Turquoise: "Huh?"

Olive: "Seriously, run!"

Turquoise: "What's going on?"

Panel 3: A low angle view of the corner from Olive's back reveals a masked grayscale individual with a bloody knife, and corresponding slash wounds on Olive's back as they point to the corner. The turquoise person is still standing around.

Olive: "There's someone around that corner, and they're attacking chromatic people. We need to get away now and get help. Listen to me!"

Turquoise: "Wow..."

Panel 4: Zoom in on Turquoise, who says:

"I can't believe you're threatening me with being subjected to a hate crime if I don't do what you say. This is a real new low for you, I'm so disappointed. You really need to work on being less aggressive and demanding. Look up 'lateral violence'."

End ID.]

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[baeddelilluminati]

even tme trans people will assume without a shred of irony that a transfem with a contentious relationship with feminism is only a result of the transfems prejudice.

struggling to understand how people can act THIS shocked whenever another TME theorist/activist (especially a cis 70s feminist) gets revealed as having written super transmisogynistic texts and palled around with TERFs. surely this cannot come as this much of a surprise. people are so incredibly reluctant to question the politics of the Established Feminist theorists. maybe someday having been "kink critical" and talking about the Unique Oppression of (cis) Lesbians and repeatedly drawn trans woman and lesbian as two separate categories and having attended fucking michfest will be enough for people to realize that without acting so surprised like come on now.