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starlight-time-machine · 7 months ago

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Week in Review

05/19/2024 – 05/25/2024

Sunday

Week 15 of missing Cipher Academy

Had to head out on a day trip, but before I did I quickly read the new Undead Unluck chapter. This was mainly a set-up chapter, disseminating the information we’ve learned from the Language fight and preparing for the next arc, but wow I never expected that we’d see Fuuko’s parents… I have a feeling that the next arc is going to be pretty emotional…

Monday

Oshi no Ko 149: I think Kana and Akane should just get together instead. Seeing Akane pull her Machiavellian schemes is funny, though.

Dandadan 152 and 153: Dammit the mangaka has got me again with the tragic backstory. I think they’ve really perfected their craft in this regard – they don’t get too long-winded about it, instead focusing on presenting specific images and moments that tell a much bigger story. Seeing the myriad of stickers in the apartment on the doors and counters at kid-height was so…the place just felt really lived in and realistic, making the tragedy hit even more as Zuma’s mom begs to stay. Zuma covering his little brother’s ears was also a nice touch, and we understand right away what their brotherly relationship must’ve been like. But then the silence as his little brother loses his umbrella…and we just see Zuma’s desperation and the aftermath… His mom’s cold grip around his wrist and then those last few panels are just so so horrible, especially the one where you can see Zuma trying his best to hold his mom back… I also appreciated this thematic thread of “people placing the blame on individuals rather than the lack of support infrastructure and the ways modern society crushes the less fortunate under its heel”, it makes sense why Zuma would feel angry towards the entire world and how it’s failed his family.

Magilumiere fine. Feels like textbook final fight stuff.

Chainsaw Man fine. The narrative just feels so…aimless and vague.

Rewatched some Succession episodes just to feel something. Season 3 episode 5 will always be a favourite for the absolute chaos it brings, but this time I really enjoyed Tom likening him and Shiv to sorority sisters whose cycles have synced up…he’s so girlcoded it’s insane. And then I watched season 4 episode 7 for the satisfaction of watching Tom and Shiv’s marriage blow up – I have their argument almost memorized by now.

Tuesday

Against my better judgement, I stayed up and read The Unusual Suspects by Michael Buckley in pretty much one sitting, and was fairly underwhelmed. As with the first book in this Sisters Grimm series, I love the premise and setting of this story, but the actual writing leaves a lot to be desired. Finding out that Buckley’s writing career started in TV makes so much sense, because his book writing is so bland and uninspired. The characters are fun and have decently enjoyable dialogue, but the descriptions lack any real finesse or artistry. Things just happen one after another like a TV writer marking out a beatsheet, and the comedic bits are the kind of wacky hijinks you’d find in the platonic ideal of a 2000’s Saturday morning cartoon. At least Sabrina had a semblance of an interesting arc, I guess…? In that she has to grapple with racism LMAO? And I guess Prince Charming’s gesture and her realization that her anger/racism was literally powering up the bad guy was a decent resolution, but I do hope the narrative stresses the importance of seeing “the other” as people in future instalments (and maybe throw in a human culprit for one of the mysteries). Also, I remembered the Puck/Sabrina romance as being more of a slowburn, but here they basically fall in love with each other on the flimsiest of basis and are doing the whole bickering/flirting thing right away…I think kid me was really excited at each crumb of ship content, but adult me wishes their romance had a subtler hand.

Wednesday

Went outside and had a life event, heh

Thursday

Read a lot today, mostly just bits and pieces of various books in my search of a good one, but the only one I started in earnest was Between Two Fires by Christopher Buehlman. The hook was immediately gripping – a horror story set during the Black Plague – and I’m happy to find that the writing is evocative enough to match. The prose sets me in the time period and atmosphere immediately, and there are so many striking visuals that have stuck in my mind thus far. Unfortunately, in an inverse of Buckley, the dialogue writing is so bad it nears comical at points. Some of the passages literally read like bad sitcom banter, and it completely takes me out of the moment with its anachronistic tone. The only saving grace is that the conversations are usually short, I suppose.

Friday

DunMesh with leftover stir-fried lamb from a restaurant I went to on Wednesday. Episode good! Food good! Fun to see the Canaries make their anime debut at last.

I got fully invested and finished Part I of Between Two Fires. The dialogue still grates on me at times, but the wonderful prose keeps me going, as does the dreaminess of the plot – it really feels like an early canon work in how it moves between different locations and their self-contained stories, and while I saw some people say that they didn’t like the episodic nature, I think it really fits the tone. I was pleasantly surprised to see the priest join the party, I was really expecting the story to just revolve around Thomas and the girl, but the priest’s presence is welcome for how it adds another dimension to the group dynamic beyond the girl annoying Thomas with her innocent and inscrutable actions. I also didn’t expect so much gayness? I can’t tell if it’s just being used as a way to cast the priest as a sinful man (like with his drinking), but I’m going to enjoy the fujo crumbs regardless. Thomas’ fight against the river creature and the men’s stint in the illusory castle felt truly hellish, and you really get the sense that their world is pulling apart at the seams.

Saturday

I started reading She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan today because I like to have a few books going at once, and I’m becoming cautiously optimistic that some actually good adult fiction books exist in the world. After some deliberation, I think I’ve come to the realization that what I really want in a book is for things to happen. As in, I’m sick and fucking tired of the 340523rd treatise on the fucking “human condition” – I’ve been through enough human condition and I don’t need to read 400 pages of melodramatic waffling as characters talk and talk and talk but actually do very little of consequence. But if I want to find a book where an actual journey occurs, my best chances are in the fantasy or sci-fi genres…which I also kind of hate reading lol. I hate being bombarded with impenetrable names and countries and factions before I even get the chance to care about them, so I usually avoid high fantasy/high sci-fi like the plague. But She Who Became the Sun is set in historical China, which I’m already familiar with and interested in, and the fantasy elements have been fairly light so far, so I’ve been greatly enjoying it. I especially like Parker-Chan’s prose, and how they build Zhu’s inner turmoil in Part One and her struggle between identity vs body and the central thesis of greatness vs nothingness. But once again, I’m floored by just how good the writing is when compared to some of the other books I’ve tried reading this week. I used to think that maybe adult fiction as a whole just wasn’t for me, but now I’m regaining hope that there are good books out there, I just have to find them…it’s a process, to be sure, when literally no other critics or BookTubers I can find share my tastes, but I’ll keep trying…

#week in review #2024

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kazuwhora · 3 years ago

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hello hello, i see your requests are open now and can i request izana, wakasa, chifuyu and kazutora with an akutagawa!s/o? hope you have a great day/noon/night! ✨🤗

hi anon! sure! I will try my best with izana and wakasa since there's not tons to work with personality wise so forgive me if theirs are a little shorter heh. im gonna include a little blurb from the bsd fandom wiki for anyone not familiar with his character! I like these kinds of headcanon requests so if anyone wants to see more please feel free to request!

"Akutagawa has a black and white "survival of the fittest" view of the world, claiming that weak people should die and give way to the stronger ones. He is not afraid of pain and defeat His ruthless, vicious nature makes him one of the Port Mafia's most dangerous members, feared by both ally and foe. As violent as he is, Akutagawa maintains a generally composed and detached approach. Towards subordinates and superiors alike, he acts aloof, distancing himself from social interactions however possible. Nonetheless, his composure is fragile. Akutagawa is quick to lash out, ridiculing him for risking the bounty by acting recklessly. This quick temper often gets in his way, fuelling his actions to the core of his very being."

SUMMARY: izana, wakasa, chifuyu, && kazutora with an akutagawa!so

CW: hints of toxicity and violence, mentions of sex but not really all that nsfw-ish so otherwise not much else!

IZANA

- this is an interesting one because from what we know about izana, he is very similar in personality to akutagawa in terms of ruthlessness that stems from childhood trauma and isolation.

- in the case of a s/o with this personality, I think it would be a troubling relationship. lots of bitter fights fuelled by nothing but an inability to express vulnerability, while leaving both of you torn up inside and begging for someone to nurture the trauma and allow space for emotions.

- that being said, with toxicity and trauma also comes intense passion and desire. this relationship brings a lot of fire both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom, with simple arguments often spawning into intense desperate (and lengthy might I add) sex. like, intense. it's almost like sex is the only safe outlet of these pent up emotions, providing a sort of comfort and also distraction for both parties.

- however as I said in general, this is definitely a toxic relationship. one where neither can help the other when it comes to growth and improvement on a personal level. it's unhealthy and enabling, but for a short lived fling it is hot as fuck im not even gonna lie. lots of hate sex too.

WAKASA

- so wakasa is another interesting one alongside izana given the lack of information and content we have about his character so please excuse the slight kc fanon version I have in my head of wakasa lol

- wakasa has a "don't fuck with me because I do not fucking care" type of vibe to him. I definitely think he's the type to completely disengage from the type of behaviours an akutagawa-type s/o might display. this leads to sort of a sense of competitiveness in trying to get some kind of reaction from him, and it has the potential (much like izana) to become toxic in nature

- any attempts to get under his skin are failed attempts, and the way he looks at you with that half bored expression is something that only triggers more of a somewhat emotional response from you.

- with that being said, my fanon version of wakasa is someone who while cold and aloof, is also quite a rational person. he's been typed by the fandom as INTJ which is quite a quick thinker, and I think he probably (despite not showing it very well) has a soft spot for you. but your passion and intensity (as well as your easily triggered dynamic) keeps him from completely being able to express this care in any way other than not engaging with your antics

- as much as there are some similarities with the type of toxicity in this relationship with both wakasa and izana, the intense passion isn't quite the same as it is with izana. instead, feelings of passion are more to the point and driven by pure instinct and desire rather than toxic passion. wakasa seeming like a very literal person, is actually quite mysterious deep down and has a lot (I mean a lot) of hidden desires and kinks that begin to emerge with time. it's rarely a conversation, and more often just something that happens that surprises you. you just have to go with the flow here, and let him take the reigns for once. it might actually be a good opportunity to allow for vulnerability to take the spotlight for once, which is something wakasa is surprisingly in tune with and quite to the point about.

CHIFUYU

- this is something much healthier than the last two. chifuyu, being an enfp is someone that's able to handle this level of intensity in a person while still being able to understand what's really going on.

- call him the trauma counsellor king. he values each and every response to a trigger that you might have. he notices patterns, he makes mental notes of things, and he does this all without making it seem like he's analyzing.

- to be honest he actually loves the spunk you bring on a day to day level. even though most of the time it's driven by bitterness or hate (not always towards him just in general) he is still able to see beyond that and appreciate you for what you are.

- with that being said, chifuyu will not stand for any toxic behaviour towards him. no sir he will not. threats and pushes for fights wont be tolerated, and he will either disengage or try to expose your vulnerabilities in an attempt at forced submission. this can be hard to get used to, especially with having a personality characterized by the inability to accept being vulnerable. but with time chifuyu is one to create a safe space for you to allow yourself to feel emotions beyond anger and resentment, and he encourages this.

- because of this very feelings based approach, intimacy with chifuyu is just that: intimate. he's extremely loving and doting, hoping that his sweetness can rub off on you a little bit. however he's also very accepting of your need for power over him (especially during sex) and will absolutely submit to your needs in order to please you.

- he really likes to put you in a place of pleasure though, so however that may come to you chifuyu is the one to deliver it.

KAZUTORA

- oh boy. this one is a doozy. listen. if we're talking about timeskip kazutora (as is the case with all characters i write about but I feel it especially important to remind ppl of here given his history), we're talking about someone who is quite literally walking on eggshells in terms of his trauma and emotional vulnerability.

- he's pretty good at being emotionally aware of his needs and struggles as well as the needs and struggles of those around him, but that doesn't mean that he's entirely healed or capable of managing toxicity or his triggers. he still slips up from time to time especially when things get hard, and sometimes finds himself falling into his old patterns. after all, he's only human. but this is where things could get messy in a relationship.

- for the most part, like I said, he's pretty good. so let's focus on that part first since I want to give him credit where it's due. he is very desperate for love and dedicated to providing something to his partner. in this case, he will seek to tap into his emotional vulnerability to provide some sort of comfort for you. he wants to see you happy, and calm, because he sees so much of his old self in you that it gets to him sometimes. but at the same time, he struggles with your relentlessness and can become emotionally drained when things get tough. he'll beat himself up for not being good enough to help you, and this is when he'll isolate and fall into old patterns.

- however, akutagawa's personality type isn't all bad. with a s/o like akutagawa, comes an immense amount of protection and loyalty for their loved ones no matter how tough things might be. in this case it might be hard to communicate this, but there will be times when it's needed in order for kazutora to restrain from old habits and ways of dealing with hardships. but he wants to share his healing with you, he wants you to be happy, and more than anything he understands the struggle of wanting to be happy and healthy but being afraid of losing the one thing that makes you you: your attitude and relentlessness. nobody understands this better than kazutora, which is why things between you can get frustrating and very personal for him.

- much like chifuyu, sex is driven towards pleasing you and only you. chifuyu leans more into switch territory however, while kazutora is 100% submissive. in this case it works out well, however he has a lot of boundaries and limitations when it comes to the way in which you function. he doesn't like degradation. instead, he thrives from praise and any sign of love and care. this might be tough for you to execute 100% of the time, but when it comes down to it the way his eyes twinkle for you is enough to make the ice around your heart melt just a little more each time.

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demonic-silver-and-gold · 3 years ago

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Hello~! If you’re ok with it can I have hc’s with Asmo, Mammon, Levi, Beel, and Belphie with a himbo bf. Like just the biggest beefiest dude looks really angry but like sees his bf ans just like radiates pure joy, is just so stupid he’s doing his best though, but like y’know the classic himbo qualities pretty please 🥺

Aaaa this ask is pretty old I’m sorry! ;-; I’m going to do Asmo and Belphie on a separate post just to get what I’ve written already out, I hope that’s okay! It’s just a little harder to write for those two for some reason. I’ll tag you if you’d like, I hope you like it!

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Himbo MC {he/him pronouns}

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Mammon

-Okay, when they first met he was slightly intimidated by MC’s build, he looked like he could take on Beel if he wasn’t a demon!

-But once he became his guide he soon realized just how soft MC was. He wouldn’t even hurt a fly!

-So, fast forward to Mammon’s confession. He invited MC to go to a nice restaurant, and when he agreed Mammon felt ready to confess his feelings… except things didn’t quite go according to plan. Here’s what sort of went down:

… … …

“MC, I like you.”

“Heh, thanks, I like you too, you’re a great friend!”

“Wh-no! I meant it as in I like like you.”

“I… don’t think I get it.”

“Romantically, damn it!”

“Oh? Oh-ohhh. I like you romantically too!”

… … …

-Just, absolute sunshine after MC realized it was a confession. His smile was so bright Mammon couldn’t look away or pay attention to anything but MC.

-The two of them are rarely separated, so MC’s softer side is visible most of the time, but when they’re apart MC never gets bothered. He’s like a wall of muscle and Mammon’s boyfriend, who’d want to mess with him?

-But really, the two of them spend a lot of time together in Mammon’s room, MC giving the demon a piggy back ride with joy (not that Mammon’s complaining any more, he learned to stop doing that after MC took his fake complaints seriously).

-Truly, what a wonderful couple they are. <3

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Leviathan

-Oh, this guy was definitely intimidated by MC. How they even began to get close is a mystery to his brothers.

-In reality, MC was curious about what Levi was playing one day and once they began talking, Levi realized how not intimidating he truly was.

-MC made sure he was eating actual food and going to bed at a reasonable time, something that Levi really came to appreciate as he began having to rely less on energy drinks to get through the school day.

-And speaking of which, since Levi’s taking classes online MC always looks upset at RAD which is easily mistaken with anger due to his physique.

-The brothers soon realized that it was just separation sadness as he began cheering up when they all got home and MC ran to Levi’s room excitedly.

-That ^^^ was even before the two of them began dating, meaning that the brothers had to intervene and get them together as Levi’s too shy and awkward to confess first and MC seemed to be clueless to his own feelings.

-So, after a lot of thinking, convincing, and forcing them to just confess already the two of them got in a relationship finally

-What Levi hadn’t considered but he soon came to realize was that people clearly avoided the two of them when they went out — truly a blessing when they went to cons together more reason to take him along shhh

-Truly, he’s Levi’s savior when he orders heavy stuff that needs to be taken to his room, and seeing MC gladly help him make him feel happy ^-^

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Beelzebub

-Himbo x Himbo

-Really, they’re both just absolute sweethearts but can overestimate their own strengths ;-;

-While the other brothers may have been intimidated by MC, Beel’s first (well, second) thought was wondering what MC’s exercise routine was to look that strong.

-Training dates are a must, and even Beel gets impressed by how well MC manages to keep up with him even with his human limitations.

-But of course, sometimes being that strong but not as smart in that regard can be an interesting experience.

-The amount of times the brothers have had to stop the two of them from almost dying from their training ideas is just a bit ridiculous.

-The two of them can get away with so much together just from how excited and happy they are together, they just have little emotional filter that it’s clear no one should interrupt their happiness.,

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I hope this is something like how you pictured it! Have a nice day ^-^

#obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me mammon x mc #obey me mammon #obey me levi x mc #obey me levi #obey me leviathan x mc #obey me leviathan #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub x mc #obey me beelzebub #obey me beel x mc

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thelittlepoetprincess · 4 years ago

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𝙈𝙃𝘼 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙖𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨(NSFW)

Author’s Notes: I promised another one of these so of course, I shall deliver. Also this’ll be a mixture of fluff and NSFW since these are more of the teasers. Please excuse the grammar, Grammarly was not working today. Hawks, Dabi, Overhaul, and Fatgum. SPOILER WARNING FOR DABI’S DANCE IN THE MANGA. If you like the Dabi or Overhaul ones get in the therapy wagon.

Word count: 1,470 words

Warnings: THE SPICE Quirk play, cockwarming, human fleshlight,consensual somno, public sex, sex with an audience, BDSM themes, body worship, hunting, degrading, and also abuse warning for Dabi and Overhaul.

Keigo Takami~Hawks

Pfft, the mans literally never has time for you, like- ever.

He’s working 24/7 so whenever he’s in the area he’s(quite literally) swoop by and give you a kiss or something then dip.

He also has to cut dates or dinner together short for work, or just make it quick. Quickies very common

The whole feather thing is very much real, it helps him keep tabs on you while giving him a way to let you know he loves you when he’s busy.

Often times he comes home to you asleep on the couch waiting for him, and he feels something stirring in him he pushed down a long time ago: Attachment.

If he comes home and he really needs to work one out of him then he’ll ask you can he use you then carry you off and thigh fuck you, but if he’s feeling frisky he’ll stick himself inside you and just feel you clench for that added bonus.

Commitment scares him, but you’re patient with him and he appreciates it. It show when he finally falls asleep around you.

When days get rough for him, you can tell. His clothes and hair are more disheveled than usual, his feathers are spread out, and he has to remind himself not to hiss when you come close(bird shit).

You insist he talk to you but he denies since he always feels he’s being watched and judged. Then you insist he takes it out on you and he refuses even harder, he’s stressed and doesn’t know how to unwind

Then you go for the wings and he will either: dodge you and scold you for trying orrrrrr. . .

Fucking snap on you and rock your shit.

“Oh, now your playing with fire, little birdie. Touching my wings is bold, now don’t regret it. You’ve ruffled my feathers and riled me up.“

Touya Todoroki~Dabi

MEAN, MEAN AS HEELL. HE GIVES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKS FOR YOU!

Toxic relationship built only on sex and a power complex.

He gives no fucks for you but let him catch you even looking at someone the wrong way and he’d burn the fuck out of you both. Then push you out his way so he can burn the fucker fully to a crisp.

Not gentle burns fucking third degree you need a hospital burns. Also he wouldn’t apologize.

Yandere? Fuck no, he doesn’t care that much.

He’d watch you writhe in pain with tears in your eyes and enjoy it. Then snatch you up immediately and drag you back to the base to fuck your brains out.

Why are you dating him? He loves degrading you, pride? None of that here. You are his to use, break, and throw away as he pleases.

He owns you in his eyes, and if you run your fucked when he finds you

Very much breaking down in front of you but don’t touch him, don’t try to help because again: he will cremate you in a second without hesitation.

He likes to see the fear in your eyes, it lets him know he has power over you.

Big Hunter vibes from him, please do run. He likes the games. He’ll chase you down a dark alley way and take you against the wall once you hit the dead end.

The fucking snarls and growls of this mans, dear lord.

He’ll fuck you literally anywhere, the more populated the better. Try being blindfolded and set on a stage in a club full of villains and have him dick you down for all of them to see. He’s fucked you in front of the League on several occasions.

Your so far mind-broken and gone you won’t leave even if you could. Not that he’d let you walk out, you’re his only form of stress relief. Saves him the time of finding 1 night stands then burning them afterwards.

“You wanna leave, huh cocksleeve? Go ahead, I won’t stop you all you have to do is get off of my cock first. You won’t? Then quit whining and let me break you.“

Kai Chisaki~Overhaul

HE TOXIC TOO JUST LIKE DABI

Overhaul is also super busy like Hawks but you spend a certain amount of time with him since he has his schedule specifically planned out.

You live in the base but he doesn't let you nor want you as a part of the whole Eri thing or any of his work. You are not his equal or lover.

You’re less of a partner and more as a stress reliever, you're like a concubine basically.

He has you take a disinfecting bath before he sees you just to make sure he doesn’t get sick.

Your routine is very strict and you’re guarded, rarely ever changes unless you request it or there’s an emergency.

He's really fucking mean to you and uses his quirk on you to keep you in line, he'll break you and fix you just like he does Eri just to discipline you.

He also fucks you very brutally, like just for no reason fucks you hard. Everyone just let’s it go because better you than them.

The only time other members are nice to you is when they’ve fucked up and you need to either take the blame for them or ease Kai’s anger so they don’t end up dead afterwards.

Your knocked out after every session just because he's very rough with you and doesn't care, and if you don't preform to his standards he'll break you and put you back together.

He has a bad habit of fixing you just to keep going as well.

You’re a kept woman of the Yakuza, so pretty much whatever you want is given to you on a silver plater.

You are not his first lover, and you more than likely won’t be the last.

You clean up afterwards as well. Even more so if it’s in his office.

“What’s wrong? Can’t take another round? That’s alright, I’ll just fix you up good as new and keep going. You know better than to complain, right? Good pet.“

Taishiro Toyomitsu~Fatgum

He’s a good boy, he brings you food all the time and let’s you know when he’s doing something dangerous.

Whatever you wanna eat, name it and he’s got it. Has all the popular food joints on speed dial and gets discounts literally everywhere.

He loves it when you snuggle into his hugs, but he gets worried he may accidentally lose you in his fat you would love this actually

He has no problem fucking you when he’s not patrolling, no one visits the agency often so you two have his entire office to yourselves.

This man is into food play, no surprise there. Eating off you, yes. You eating off him, yes. Food with sex, yes indeed.

The biggest cuddlebug on the planet, he’s so used to being unattractive by most standards that once you two started dating he was so touch-starved he wanted to hug you ALL THE TIME

He’s not-so-surprisingly a good combat teacher.

He’s very vanilla and gentle, he doesn’t want to hurt you but he’s a BIG BOY so no need for the extras to make it super spicy.

All giggles, you guys have tried BDSM before, it doesn’t work he’s too goofy.

The agreed safeword is. . . . meatpie. Yes. He’ll back off and you’ll be laughing to yourself about it just enough to relax once more while he gets ready to praise you like a goddess.

Butterball, butterbean, and love muffin are his go-tos for nicknames. Though when your wearing that outfit he loves so much he has a habit of calling you “Devil’s food cake”, making him want to sin in all the sweetest ways possible.

Into Cock-warming, a lot. Not to mention teasing him will result in a harsher than usual upward thrust from his hips, he’s a bucking mess.

Body positivity king, there is not a day that goes by where he does not praise your figure for hours on end.

Literally fought someone one time because they objectified you and then had the audacity to say you weren't a whole fucking snack in front of him.

Kinkiest thing he’s done: Used you as a human fleshlight, it was only once but secretly neither of you can get rid of the thought.

THE DILF VIBES FROM HIM. Everyone says Kiri and Tamaki are his hero-children, you see it. It’s lowkey highkey attractive adorable.

OH THE AFTERCARE. I’m talking fresh warm baths with your favorite scents, massages for your whole body, and food. Endless amounts of food, cuddles, and praise.

“My little butterball, you look so good. I’m gonna push all the way in now, okay? Heh, no butterbean, I’m just halfway in your little hole. You know the safeword, just say the word if it’s too much.“

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vaguely-concerned · 3 years ago

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Any tips for a TF POV fic? I want to write one because I too went through a time in my life when I let feelings bounce off cuz that was easier, but I feel like that's not quite on point for him 🤔

God I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this and they’re all so wordless and frustratingly evasive to me yet (I am in the process of writing a looooooong T.F. POV fic and it gives me much more trouble than Graves POV, probably because as a person I’m quite a lot more like the T.F. Type in real life lol). But yes, here we go, let me try to express some of what I personally try to have as my hm ‘anchor points’ for his perspective. (Heavy disclaimer that these are just my personal & disorganized little musings and by no means the only or ‘correct’ way to read the character!)

- First of all I agree, the image of ‘bouncing off’ doesn’t feel quiteright -- it’s in the right neighbourhood but the wrong address sort of thing, but it’s really hard to come up with a way to explain how I feel the nuance here.

*insert three hours later spongebob meme here* Okay, so the metaphor I came up with is: T.F.’s relationship to emotions is a direct parallel to his relationship to water/the ocean: it’s scary down there, it’s dark, it’s dangerous, and if he should ever be dumb enough to try to go in too deep it’ll kill him dead because boy oh boy on so many levels this man just did not learn how to swim. As far as he’s concerned any sensible person would simply bob along on the surface in a sturdily built boat and try not to think too much about the weird shit that lives down there in the depths. (In this metaphor the layer of artifice and performance so habitual it’s basically integrated into the fabric of his soul is the boat. Y’know, the part that’s Twisted Fate and not just plain ol’ Tobias. I’ll hasten to add that I think both parts of his identity are equally ‘real’ and equally him, but the Twisted Fate part is like… protecting the Tobias part. Keeping him from drowning, as it were. I’m not sure he’d think of it like that himself for the longest time, though, I suspect he has more of a ‘that man is dead’ attitude towards the Tobias part after Graves is gone)

I think what I’m trying to get at is the idea that to him, raw emotion is as hostile and unknowable and unnavigable an ‘environment’ as the deep ocean. (And the only time we see him willingly go there, physically and otherwise, is for Graves, so you know let’s jot that down first of all lol.)

- He seems to genuinely quite like and be interested in people – how they think, what moves and motivates them, their secrets and foibles. So I tend to try to keep the uh ‘detail work’ in his POV focused in that direction. Priority going like 1) people 2) people’s valuables 3) the relative availability of people’s valuables at this moment if you have clever hands and a very charming smile haha

- One of my favourite things about T.F. is that he seems, I don’t know… quite genuinely good-natured beneath it all? If you back him into a corner some sharp and dangerous things peek out (he has survived in his line of heh ‘business’ for like thirty years, and a lot of it on his own), but for the most part and when unthreatened he has a sort of mildly amused and intrigued live-and-let-live attitude to the world even as he’s conning it that I find deeply charming. Which to me ties in with:

- T.F.’s first instinctive reaction to danger (perceived or real) the majority of the time seems to be ‘Flight’. Confrontation and violence are basically his ‘when literally everything else has failed’ options. (As seen prominently in Burning Tides, where he just keeps running and running and the only time he actually starts throwing punches is when he has to because Graves is in immediate danger and they’re backed into a corner. Which feels like it means something huh lol, I often think about what could actually make T.F. angry enough that he would openly express it and that seems to be the most likely angle for it in my eyes.)

- My take on one of the fundamental differences between Graves and T.F. is that Graves has A LOT of feelings but doesn’t quite know it (or more like can’t quite conceptualize it I should say) – he has a hard time identifying or finding vocabulary for feelings that aren’t some shade of anger. Meanwhile T.F. KNOWS he has feelings, he just doesn’t like it, ardently wishes he didn’t, and will do pretty much anything to run away and not have to engage with them haha.

Another important difference: when brought out of equilibrium Graves gets angry, and T.F. gets scared. I have the feeling that beneath it all he’s scared a lot, and it’s why his persona is so oriented towards gaining control in ways where people don’t realize it enough to even think try to take that control away from him until he’s already long gone. Misdirection as a way of life babEY

- This might be too deep in the ‘my WIP/process specific’ territory to really count as general analysis, but I think it’s there in canon too – there’s almost a feeling that he implicitly feels like he has to make up for some fundamental flaw or lack he has at the core? (Not a weird thing for him to end up feeling, considering what happened to him as a kid.) All the rest of him, all the cleverness and style and charm, is there to ‘make up’ for how at the end of the day he’s… wrong somehow. As Graves, who knows him better than anyone, focuses right in on, a coward. And that is CERTAINLY not the whole truth and even Graves in a full rage relents when he sees the effect the accusation has on him and once he gets the actual facts of what happened. But I think that sense of deep unworthiness is what’s stuck with him emotionally. His people left him because there’s something fundamentally lacking and immoral about him. He lost Graves because he’s not good enough, because he’s a coward who leaves people behind. He deserves to be alone. Mix in a ton of survivor’s guilt to taste, and I think you have the like… core emotional wound he’s constructed around.

There’s also something here about fear of profound powerlessness specifically in situations where words, generally his strongest card that’s not a literal card (har har har oh we do have fun here), simply don’t work right at the moment when he needs them to the most – he tried to beg for his people not to leave him behind, he tried to convince Graves to get the hell out with the rest of the crew… and it didn’t work. (In Burning Tides you see he’s given up even trying to explain himself, he just wants Out in whatever way leaves both him and Graves tolerably in one piece, even if he won’t be understood or heard or less alone afterwards. It takes him until like half way through the entire chase to even THINK about just telling Graves the truth. In all fairness to T.F. it probably wouldn’t have worked at that moment, but it does vaguely crack me up that he didn’t even consider it until all of Bilgewater harbor was already burning merrily behind them fhsajkfa)

- He has a little bit of a (perfectly justified considering his background honestly) chip on his shoulder, especially when it comes to powerful or arrogant people. There seems to be a special satisfaction in outsmarting and robbing specifically rich assholes (which would also be the people who have the most to steal, so y’know good times all round). From his short stories and few places in his bio you almost get the feeling that he has a funny sort of Robin Hood-esque sense of lopsided justice about it. (Robin Hood-esque only so far as to define ‘the poor’ as the eternally hard-strapped ‘T.F. & Graves Waistcoats and Cigars Fund’, of course lol)

I think T.F. both has a mind that tends more towards analyzing the big picture and also has more direct experience with like… structural/systemic powerlessness and oppression. So the cons they pull are probably partly how he channels the emotions that arise out of that (and the rest he just represses, like the relatable guy he is haha)

- Graves being back would cause some IMMENSE internal conflict in him, I feel – of course all the feelings of relief and attachment and love, but also… so much of who he is now came about specifically to find a way to deal with Graves being gone, with seemingly just shutting down the entirety of his need for real human companionship or closeness for like a decade, things that are suddenly starting to be brought online again and must be tremendously stressful to deal with when you’ve had it completely suppressed and deadened for so long. He’s put so much into trying to be fundamentally unattached to anything, anywhere, anyone (and there are some things here about perpetually being an outsider his whole life that I can’t quite put into words, but that’s a dimension too.) That sort of psychological self defense mechanism doesn’t just contentedly nod its head and go away just because something good happened one time haha. Probably a work in progress there huh (at least he’s not alone in it now <3)

PLUS some bonus Graves POV observations because man. I love writing him, he’s just a marvel of a man

- I know I call him a dumbass all the time, but in a street smart way I think he’s actually quite clever haha, he just has a bad tendency to get hung up on an idea and get tunnel sight. (I’ve based this a lot on the short stories but see also more recently his Sentinel skin voice lines for good examples: he’s incredibly straightforward in that ‘well obviously if it doesn’t affect me personally I ain’t gonna give it that much thought’ way, but you also have glimpses of surprising insight/shrewdness and… I don’t quite know how to put it, but something like an ability to get to the bottom line of something without getting caught up in the details. (I suspect T.F. does find himself lost in the details quite frequently, he’s much more attached to the decorative curlicues of the world.) Graves clearly & frequently has no idea what’s going on, but he strips things down to the essentials very quick: Lucian’s story as a direct thematic mirror to Viego’s, Is There A Sun Lady – Oh, I See, all of this is weird and creepy and needs shooting, and maybe most crucial of all: Isolde doesn’t want to be with her husband anymore so what he’s doing is just like. Extra shitty. He gets what he needs to get and then just barges ahead heedlessly with that. Icon.)

- He’s actually pretty darn eloquent in a gruff sort of way and uses some quite sophisticated vocabulary! And the way this is contrasted with the tendency to slip into blunter coarser language just as readily -- like when he takes the time to describe the monster that takes down the Prince’s ship in such poetic terms as ‘gargantuan’ and ‘the behemoth’s immense, distended jaw’ and it having ‘pallid dead eyes the size of the moon’, and meanwhile during his swim at the beginning of the story we get bastard cold and bastard dark and full of bastard jellyfish and crabs – brings me such immense and unending delight

- He’s more eloquent in his internal voice than he is when speaking (especially noticeable in Destiny and Fate; he does have a tendency to fumble his words when talking lol), and he gets quite easily lost in his own meandering reflective musings in a way I find incredibly endearing. I’d almost call it whimsical at times, honestly, hilarious as that is? Like when he’s literally so absorbed in a line of thought he forgets which way they’re rowing and T.F. has to remind him. (I think T.F. generally has more of a grip of what’s going on around them than Graves does lol)

- There’s an important distinction to be made that Graves actually does, by and large, read T.F: very closely and seemingly also pretty damn accurately. He’s good at (and clearly very interested in) reading his moods, spotting what tactics he’s using interpersonally, when he’s being genuine and when he’s being dissembling.

What Graves is actually bad at is understanding his own emotions, and to not bleed those emotions into other people’s motivations and behavior, especially when he’s upset or in heightened states of feeling, like he is all the way through Burning Tides. He can only name his own feelings in a vocabulary of anger, when it’s pretty clear from the subtext that there’s a whole bunch of other stuff going on there, and he has incredible trouble divorcing those feelings from what other people’s got going on with them right then. He feels hurt, betrayed, and undone by everything that’s happened to him, so the intention to hurt, betray and undo must live in the other person who he feels caused it. In less drastic cases you see him do this a bit when he feels like T.F. is being evasive with him – taking it as a form of rejection rather than realizing T.F. is just lost in his own thoughts, sort of thing. There’s a real improvement in this one between Burning Tides and Destiny and Fate, though, so maybe he’ll have an easier time of it with some time and practice.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this and that it’s a bit of a rambling mess, words have been real hard recently. Or rather I have too many words, all the time, left and right, I just can’t put them into the right orders to make any sense hahaha, I hope there’s some useful point in this somewhere for you at least!

#hopefully this makes some kind of sense my brain is in... a state but it was actually really nice to just focus on some character analysis!#tf x graves #league of legends #twisted fate

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fanfalc-616 · 4 years ago

Text

The Rights Of A Nindroid

Chapter Thirteen- Variation Two

(Prevoius variation here)

(Discord Here)

This chapter was originally an RP with @ablackswansweet, and there are two versions- one from both character’s POV. I have Swan’s permission to post this.

The young man can feel the android's gaze on him. It's wary of Martha and him, although he can hardly blame it. But he can't help but find the idea of a machine being "scared" kind of funny.

"What do you want?" It asks, most likely knowing something is coming, judging from the resignation in its voice. Kyle smiles internally.

You can almost see the cracks.

The blond is practically buzzing with excitement. A real android! And he gets to study it up close!

Getting closer, he inspects its face. The eerie look almost makes him shudder.

"I want to learn how you work." He takes Original's chin in his hand, moving it's head left and right to get a better look at it. The winces of "pain" from the android are uncanny.

He writes down some notes and takes his place next to the official again. Next part should be fun.

The android seems less than pleased with him playing with its uncovered face. Still, it bites its tongue instead of Kyle's hand (despite its very obvious desire to do so) until the blond is done, and lets out what sounds like a breath of relief.

How can you replicate relief in coding ? It's AI is fascinating.

"Haven't you done that enough?" It whines, trying to shake off its bonds. "With everything you've done to me, I doubt that any competent mechanic would need any more research."

It tries to shoot him a displeased glare, but without its faceplate it just looks unsettling and pathetic.

Kyle chuckles to himself. For a machine, it's talking a lot. Fascinating.

"Thing is, Original, I'm not exactly a mechanic. I'm just really, really interested by your wires and gears. And how well they respond to… Certains stimuli," he says.

A few more words in his notes and he looks at Martha, asking if it's time. She nods. Awesome.

As fast as he can, the blond connects wires to the android, barely able to contain his joy. It's not everyday you get to experiment on a non-human sentient being.

Stepping in front of the control panel, he waits for the official's instructions, almost shaking from anticipation.

Original isn't looking so good. It seems worried. Well, it's right. It should be. The distress emanating from it is very interesting, too. Can it sense the danger looming over it?

“To begin with, my name is Zane, not Original. Second, if you are so interested in ‘wires and gears’ perhaps a robotics course would be a more healthy outlet for you," it tries to reason with him. Too bad that it's way more interesting than a simple robotics course.

After a pause, it adds, "Why are you doing this? I can assure you that I have never meant to cause harm on any innocents.”

Kyle's hand twitches. He looks over at Martha. She's wearing a displeased expression. He didn't expect anything else, and he's probably making the same face as well.

“You can begin whenever you like.” The official tone sounds slightly interested, now.

He hums in response.

"Hey, Original?" He calls out to the robot. "You talk a lot."

He pushes a button and a small jolt of electricity was released. This fairly small amount of energy is only meant to cause discomfort. Wouldn't want to burn it out too fast.

The android squirms and still attempts to free itself, but no real pain response occurs. Interesting. A new paragraph written.

It still tries to reason with him, going on and on about how it wants it to stop, please. Kyle drowns the sound out with his thoughts. That wasn't very exciting.

Maybe with a stronger charge, something interesting will happen? That's what Martha seems to think too.

The android finally looks like it understands it's not talking him out of it.

How advanced is its code supposed to be, again? That took a while.

“I suppose I am talking a lot,” It concedes, “but not nearly as much as an old friend of mine. Jay couldn’t stay quiet if his life depended on it.”

Is it trying to have a conversation with him? Now? In its situation?

It must have thought of something. Let's humor it.

"Heh, yeah. I had a guy like that in one of my foster homes." A smirk grows on the blond’s face as the robot seems startled. "Didn't end well for him either. No one like a constant source of useless noise, don't you agree?"

Even without a faceplate, its expressions are pretty easy to guess. It's almost laughable how a few words shakes it up.

Making small talk is is a smart plan, he'll give it that. It's probably hoping that it'll make him like it enough to not hurt it. Let's see how long this game can last.

"How is your old friend doing now?" He asks, slowly turning up the voltage. The other engineers told him this should be as painful as period cramps, so that's fun.

The android struggles under the amount of electricity building up. But still, it continues to talk. Kyle's impressed.

“I haven’t seen him in a while- I’ve been a little…” It looks at its restrains and winces, probably reminded of its situation.. “... tied up.”

At big crooked smile appears on the blond's face. It's even making jokes now! Powering through painful situations could be a valuable asset if they were to make something like supersoldiers. Looking good so far.

“I don’t think I caught your name, either. What do you go by?” It asks, most likely trying to get information on him. That's not very important data, though. It can have it.

The blond lets his face turn into a surprised expression for a second. "My name's Kyle. He/him, I guess. But I don't think you're going to need to know that."

He turns the charge a little higher again, hoping to see some more interesting pain responses as they continue to talk. This is getting boring. Martha seems to approve of his method, however. Thanks, mom.

"Tell me about your other old friends. You said you were dating, right? How's it like ?" He asks again, a sinister smile on his face. How about a good old Pavlovian shock therapy?

Original fights any sign of discomfort or pain, and its calm expression is almost unsettling when you know what its sensors are going through right now.

“It’s nice to meet you, Kyle," It tells him, the lie barely noticeable. But Kyle has worked with hypocrites before. Original is talented. “I don’t recall mentioning that I was in an active relationship, but I suppose that the background research you must’ve done would cover that.”

Kyle smiles and says nothing. He increases the tension steadily, appreciating the sight of the android losing its peaceful facade, with flashes of pain occasionally visible on its face.

Impressive. The robot is still fighting. Maybe leaving the sensors at their normal settings was too nice, but oh well. Things are just now getting better.

"Yeah, I read your file before coming here. Big fan, by the way." He smiles, but the hostility starts to seep in his voice. "Wonder how they feel about your self-sacrificing nature," he almost spit out.

No. Breathe. Calm down.

Some composure regained, he suddenly sends it a jolt of electricity. Seeing it almost bite its tongue in pain is pretty therapeutic, actually.

Kyle lowers the voltage to let the robot catch his artificial breath. It's going to give up completely pretty soon. He'll have some fun with it first.

"So, your old friends ?"

Its pathetic sigh of relief is still very satisfying. It looks desperate, and tries to explain its past actions. It really doesn't need to. Kyle already knows they're unforgivable.

“When I was fighting the Golden Master, I meant no harm to any innocent people. I was built to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I… I understand that in some ways, I have failed this function, but I do my best to help those in need.”

The android attempts to steady its breathing. Trying to keep keep a sliver of dignity in front of the enemy, maybe ?

Anyways, it stopped talking. Finally.

Kyle sighs and does his best not to give a snarky reply. It seems to believe in what it's saying, anyways. Further proof of how out of touch with reality its AI is.

Another spike of tension, and Kyle is smiling again.

"You didn't answer my question, Original. How was life with your… Boyfriends ? Kai Smith, Jay Walker and Cole Brookstone, yeah ?" He says, insisting on their last names. They know who they are. Perhaps that'll make it talk.

His excitement level goes through the roof at Original's reaction. It goes stiff, most likely from anger. He found the weak spot.

A whimper escapes it, but it doesn't adress it. It's really mad.

“You do not touch them," it snarls at him. If Kyle's hand had been close to its face, there was no doubt it would've bitten him. “If you hurt them, I swear on the First Spinjitzu Master that I will hunt you down to the ends of the-“ Kyle cuts him off by sending it a strong shock. It cries in pain. The blond doesn't feel bad.

"Calm down. I didn't even actually threaten them yet," The boy mutters, leaving the tension run high a few more seconds before leaving it room to breathe again. The pathetic sounds of relief it does each time makes him want to laugh.

"If I wanted to truly use them as hostages, I'd tell you I know which shop they go to every two weeks to buy supplies and food, which is the one at the end of the main avenue."

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the voltage starts going up again.

"I'd tell you we have live feed of them almost every day and everywhere they go."

The pain must be becoming close to absolutely unbearable, seeing how the android trashes around. Fun.

"Or… I'd tell you how one of them already got arrested once, and how easy it is to transfer prisoners or fake an accident."

The power is now all the way up. It's almost scary how much this artificial body can handle.

Before it actually physically breaks, though, Kyle shuts off the power. The android's breath of relief is broken up by what sounds like sobs.

The blond comes closer, chuckling as the machine flinches near him. He takes off the wires plugged into it.

"Don't you dare threaten me or her ever again. Remember who holds the power here," he mutters in its ear before joining Martha with a smile, his notepad black with scribbles. She looks satisfied.

The android looks like it wants to say something, but doesn't have the strength to do so anymore. That's a satisfying sight.

He leaves the room with Martha, closing the door after her.

She smiles at him.

"It's close. You were right, you can almost see it cracking by the minute."

She fondly ruffles his hair and he chuckles, his nose tickled.

"Good job, sweetie."

#the rights of a nindroid #ninjago fanfiction #ninjago zangst #psychological torture #torture #trauma

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masked-buffoon · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 5: One’s desires (Part 3)

Warnings: insecurities, mention of drugs, minors drinking

Author notes: a lot of insecurities in chapter 5, I hope you won’t find it too annoying... But I felt it was necessary, somehow. Do tell me, though, I would stop the scheduling to rework on it!

"Bleach cocktail, bartender...!" Dazai-san cheerfully ordered, dropping his coat onto a stool and sitting right after.

Bar Lupin was quiet, and there was no customer except us, just as usual. The underground bar seemed the only place one could call peaceful for people like us, living in the shadows of the world. I sat next to my superior, without a word. I had been there several times, already, escorting him to his meetings with his friends, Oda-san and Sakaguchi-san, but rarely alone with him. I did not know how to behave in such a situation...

His drink was gently put in front of him, and I glanced at its clear colour — so different from the usual whisky we both drank.

"Mmh~ This smell of cleaning products~" He chuckled, bringing the glass to his lips.

The reasonable part of my brain probably was aware there was no bleach nor other toxic ingredients in the cocktail, for the bartender was someone trustworthy, but I could not stop my hand from jerking toward him to stop his moves.

"Heh~? Is there a problem, Ogawa-kun~?"

My senses came back to me, and I immediately backed away from him, absolutely awkward.

"I... Thought... Nonsense..." I mumbled, embarrassingly playing with my hands "I acted without thinking..."

"I know~" He chuckled "I expected as much from teasing you~"

"Y-You predicted I would try to stop you...?"

"That's the point of teasing." He smiled "But somehow, I'm glad you acted expectedly."

"I wouldn't want you to die... The Port Mafia needs you..." I justified, looking away.

"The Port Mafia... Eh?"

He looked disappointed by my answer. Now, I wondered what he wanted me to say, but I could not go and admit I needed him too, could I...? It would be completely unprofessional, and our relationship was not meant to go any further. I was already plenty grateful for him allowing me to live, what more could my greedy mind ask for...?

"Whisky on the rocks, please..." I ordered, eyes lost in the imperfections on the wooden counter.

Jazz music played quietly in the background, filling in the comfortable silence that had set up around us. In there, the cold from outside would not reach us, and we were given a timeless moment, far from the crimes and horror we committed out of duties. The atmosphere was warm, almost unreal, but it felt good, serene. When Oda-san and Sakaguchi-san were not there, Dazai-san was not as talkative, but his moves, his look and his being, in general, seemed to send wordless messages in the air. I tried to see and guess what he could be thinking. Was he disappointed his friends could not come? It was not disappointment I read in his eyes. Rather, melancholy...? Or perhaps was he just lost in his thoughts and his eyes scrutinised his drink without actually seeing it. His fingers traced the edge of the glass, slowly, creating the most calming tinting sound, and the ice melted, shaking the thin walls of glass around it and disrupting the silence.

He was wondering why he was still alive... Again. Silently, he was looking for a way to end his tired life, but his numerous suicide attempts had never once succeeded. I took a sip of my whisky, enjoying the rich taste of the alcohol before the ice could melt and ruin it. I was sitting right next to him, yet Dazai-san seemed so far away, mind gone to a place I had no access to. He was still unattainable, after all...

"Why the long face, Ogawa-kun?" He turned toward me.

"I-I don't... I mean... I'm not making a face..." I defended, taken aback.

"You don't seem happy to be there..."

"Not at all...! I am very glad to accompany you, Dazai-san... Only... You... You always seem elsewhere... So far... I feel I can never truly be by your side..." I muttered, fidgeting on the stool.

"But you are by my side..." He tilted his head slightly, as though not understanding "Right now, you are literally sitting next to me."

"I didn't mean it physically... I know I am there, with you, but you... You always look as though your mind is travelling around another world, another dimension that I have no access to... You always seem lost in thoughts and I... I can't read them..." I looked down "I can't understand what you think, I can't understand what you feel, and the more I am aware of it, the more it frustrates me and the more I feel estranged from you, Dazai-san... It is strange, too, because, whereas I do deeply want to know, I am always afraid to discover how you truly feel about me... Isn't that contradictory...?"

"You wouldn't want to read my mind, so that's better this way..." He hummed, bringing his glass to his lips "There is nothing in there that would relieve your concerns..."

"... Is that so...?" I glanced away, feeling bitter "Is that so... Does that mean you've... Lied to me...? Again...?"

"It is not that I lie to you, Ogawa-kun..." He sighed "It is simply that I... How to put that...? It is not quite natural to me... Behaving around you normally..."

"Normally as in... Not beating me...? Nor yelling at me...?" I frowned, pained.

It hurt. It hurt so much. None of his "care" was sincere... I should have known so, yet a part of me still hoped he somehow had genuine concerns about me. I had been pitifully played with, made into a loyal dog he could easily tame thanks to a few concerned words here and there... He was a master at manipulating people... I should have remembered this fact.

"That's not it, Ogawa-kun..." He rubbed his temples.

"Then, what is it, Dazai-san...?" I resisted my urge to cry.

Seeing as he did not answer, I stood up and headed toward the restroom, not without taking a syringe of morphine from the pocket of my coat. I had not used my ability, but I needed, oddly enough, the relief provided by drugs. I needed to feel the morphine coursing through my blood vessels, annihilating any kind of pain, even if, obviously, my inner sufferings would never be calmed down by anaesthetics. If there was medicine which made people happy, I would gladly throw my entire savings away just to have a taste, but it did not exist, and would never exist. Or it did. It was called naivety.

When I came back to the counter, something was wrong; Dazai-san was nowhere to be seen. A rather burdening buzzing sound echoed in my ears, and my hands almost instantly felt moist as I walked toward the bartender, something heavy threatening to pour from my eyes.

"He... Left...?" I was barely able to ask "He left...?"

"He requested me to tell you not to worry about him. And that he regretted his previous words." He answered, drying a glass.

"It would not be bold to assume he paid, would it...?" I stayed stunned, staring at the man's swift moves.

"He did."

I slammed my fist on the counter, anger rushing to my brain.

"He's an idiot!!" I cursed, jaw trembling and tears threatening to come "My superior, the most capable person of the Mafia, is an actual idiot... Do you believe it...?"

"Sometimes, humans would rather run away than facing the people they hurt. It is a pretty much normal reaction, to me." He hummed, gently smiling at me "Does it not reassure you, to know that sometimes Dazai Osamu can be human?"

"It does..." I conceded "But as a fellow human, I am hurt. It hurts so much, inside... It burns my lungs..."

"Then, what are you still doing here, talking with this old man...? I am not the one you should say these words to." He chuckled.

"I am afraid, too... I start to understand now... Running away..."

"You are not allowed to stay here." He said, more firmly "Because you know how to use words to voice your feelings, and it would be a shame not to say them out loud, would it not?"

I understood. I understood immediately what I had to do. I grabbed my coat and rushed outside, thanking the bartender before closing the door. It was so cold... Above my head and the dark alley, the sky was darkened by both the night and the clouds, from which small flakes of snow fell, to land delicately on Yokohama, soundlessly, quietly. It would have been with much joy I would have taken the time to enjoy the snow, but I had a task to complete, as a subordinate, and as a person who cared about another. I merely took time to carelessly put my trench coat onto my shoulders, and followed the way toward the headquarters, where I knew he had gone back. There was nowhere else he would go to, except perhaps his own apartment, but without being aware of its location, the Port Mafia was the only place I could search.

Besides, he knew me well. He had surely foreseen my reaction. He had surely predicted I would run after him, and maybe had purposely left traces, hints, to indicate his route. If he was simply trying to tease me again, oh, he would hear my complaints days and nights for an undetermined amount of time. I was not very familiar with him; I could not afford to behave as more than a subordinate around him. Nevertheless, I did allow myself to correct him when he was wrong. He was definitely wrong, this time.

"Dazai-san..." I recognised his tall silhouette "Dazai-san...!"

The snow covering the alley hid its pavement; my foot got caught in one of them, and the world went upside down, so suddenly.

Yet, my body never hit the ground and, instead, I felt caught and secured by a pair of bandaged arms, which immediately retracted once I was back on my two feet. It would be troublesome if he were to cancel my ability just now... For he would have to carry me all the way back to the headquarters or my room.

"Ogawa-kun...?" He frowned.

"Dazai-san, I... I do not —"

"I thought you would not come..." He confessed "I thought you would stay at the bar and hate me..."

Why would he consider such extremities...?

"I would never hate you, Dazai-san... I've told you, I will never hate you... I want to apologise; I should not have —"

"It is normal that you must take your morphine income... You are an addict, if you don't, you will feel bad." He looked away "And I... Ran away... Cowardly..."

"I do not mind..."

"How could you not?"

"I mean... It hurts a lot... It pains me to know you are trying so hard to act nice toward me... It did pain me too, noticing you had gone, leaving me behind... But my sufferings... My sufferings are meaningless compared to my loyalty. No matter what you do, how you act and what you say to me, I will never hate you and will never wish to leave your side... I am your lieutenant, after all..." I cracked a small smile, looking down "But I do not want you to force yourself around me... Please, do not feel the pressure to be 'nice' toward me, Dazai-san... I would rather leave, if I am a —"

"You are going to say 'burden', aren't you...?" He answered my smile "It is not that I strive to be caring... Deeply, I want you to be fine, yet I am not sure how to behave... Sometimes, I will become violent, and I will not realise it... When I am with Odasaku and Ango, I know they understand, but you... I've hurt you too much to request your understanding..."

"I understand." I assured "I understand, so... Please be yourself, Dazai-san. So you never need to run away from me anymore..."

"I will strive to trust you, then..."

"I will wait..." I said, putting my coat on.

All the adrenaline had gone down and my body felt the striking cold accurately. My fingertips were reddened and my insides were shaking badly. I sniffed.

"For now..." I looked at my superior "Can we... Can we go back, please...?"

"Let's go, Ogawa-kun." He nodded.

His coat fell onto my shoulders, making me stare at him.

"You will catch a cold..." I started removing it.

"You keep it. My bandages are made to increase my body heat~"

"There is no way..." I raised an eyebrow.

"The alcohol —"

"Doesn't keep you warm." I finished "Dazai-san, I would feel terrible if you were to have the flu because of me...!"

"If I have the flu, then it is my fault." He shrugged it off "Because I am the one who insisted on giving you the coat."

I pouted, and picked up the pace so we could arrive more quickly to the headquarters.

His office was so warm after fighting against the cold, I immediately let myself fall onto a couch, appreciating the comfort of the soft cushions. Dazai-san, who had been more cheerful on the way back, suddenly changed his smile into a frown, and took large and hurried steps toward his desk. There, on the surface deprived of any document, laid an envelope. And I did not know why it annoyed him so much. I reached his side.

"That's for me...?" I frowned upon seeing my name written on the white paper.

"I hope it is not a trapped letter..." He narrowed his eyes "Although, knowing this handwriting, it might as well be..."

"Is it...?" I took the enveloppe between my fingers and flipped it to read the identity of the sender "The Boss...?!"

"Mmh..." He took it back.

I was worried. I had met Mori-san once, when I was fourteen, and he had appeared intimidating enough for me not to ever want to interact with him again. I did not want to get involved with that man. I felt he could break me with a single snap of his fingers, which frightened me. He had a kind of threatening aura, inducing fear instead of respect. Despite that, many subordinates were loyal to him, Nakahara-san being the first of them. I often saw him looking up to the Boss, the rare time I accompanied my superior and his partner in a mission.

"Let me open it." He said, and I nodded.

It did not explode nor did it spread a toxic gas, which relieved me at first. At the very least, he did not want us dead. Instead, I was agreeably surprised by the content of the letter.

"An invitation... To the party...?" My voice got caught in my throat.

"What is he planning...?" Dazai-san gritted his teeth.

"I am only a lieutenant, I can't possibly —"

"If he sent it and you don't show up, he will kill you. Or worse." He clicked his tongue "That's too late now, even I can't do anything about it..."

"You..." I glanced at his face "Did not want me to get involved with him, did you...? That's why you... Earlier..."

"That's why I asked Odasaku to come with me instead of you, indeed. He has seen through my intentions..."

"Why would the Boss want to see me...? When we met, you told me he had had his eyes on me, but I thought it was as an ability user..."

"As an ability user... I'm afraid I understand what he wants to do." He sighed heavily "Since you've set foot in the organisation, he's been wanting to introduce you to a subordinate of his. I've always tried to postpone that event, yet he has found the perfect opportunity... For now, let's just wait and see. Perhaps I am overthinking it..."

"Understood, Dazai-san." I received his orders.

But deep inside, I was quite glad I could go to the party with him.

#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu

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fanonskeletonstuff · 4 years ago

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CPAU: DisCo

pls kno im not a serious writer thank;; also it’s my replies only, i didnt share anyone elses (unless they want to share killer and his s/o’s whole thread along with the sideplots, i dont wanna paste their replies without permission tho i plan not to)

this may include othertale spoilers and rahafwabas’ killer!sans comic references

gonna put this on wattpad too

—

Dust explores the CP. he sees Color and his rainbow cracked skull is the first thing he catches. Color sees him back and walks to him first. “heya. i see you’re about to cause trouble.”

“wh... what? pfff...” Dust is surprised Color already knows who he is. “i can’t if this is some large christmas gathering. isnt it on christmas, you have to be well... GOOD???”

Color jumps back from the yell. “of course you have to. but, you’re one of those sanses, so i can’t stop ya.” Then, he realizes something. “say, aren’t you killer’s friend? have you two met before?”

Dust remembers who Killer is. “ohhh, that man?? yeah, we had to date once during our bad sanses sleepover. horror held the event cause it was halloween at the time.”

“huh... well, this is dangerous of me, i’m talkin’ to ya and anytime you might just kill me.” Color chuckles. “however, I know sanses can control themselves. I know killer can. he thinks i have to kill him, but it’s just wrong. i think he can change. he doesnt have to fuel himself with thoughts of murdery.”

Dust feels roasted. “WOW?? heheheh!! you’re so smart those colors must be how high your IQ is!”

“heheh, oh, that. so, here’s my story. i absorbed souls in a genocide timeline. i was about to die, so it’s the only thing i had to do. that’s why i look like that... that...”

Color gets interrupted by Dance, who teleported next to him. “uhhh...”

//OH NO COLOR X DANCE CRACK SHIP ALERT CAUSE COLOR!SANS LOOKS LIKE THOSE LED LIGHTS THAT SWITCH COLOR TO COLOR AHSJSJSK

— — —

“heya. you’re quite the party lights in here.” Dance is getting the gay feeling.

“oh, heheh, wow, huh?” Color feels awkward. “heyy, i know you! you’re that shy dancer who doesn’t get much stage fright the more he gets used to dancing. hip hop, right?”

“yep. yeah, that’s my genre.” Dance blushes. “what AU are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“i’m from othertale. fun fact, the AU’s not about me! i’m pretty much undyne’s supporting character.” Color laughs.

“cool...” Dance likes him- “i like your colors. where’d you get your lights?”

“oh, i was just explaining to dust pal here I got it from human souls. i, um, absorbed ‘em. needed it cause i was aboutta die.”

“that must be risktaking of you for your own life, c...” Dance winks, his left eye open. “hey, maybe we should... dance, sometime...”

Dust laughs at Color and Dance, gives a hard pat on Color’s shoulder. “uh oh, GAY alert!!!” Phantom!Papyrus is probably shook at this point.

— — —

“heh... sorry to say, but you’re too nice and popular to be with me.” Color answers. “I, um... already had letters with someone. kinda like dust, but...”

“it’s ok. if i dance too much, that’s when the beats go off.” Dance understands.

“yeah... honestly, he’d kill you if he sees you. If he were in this party and you say that to me... he’ll overthink his actions and end up on a killing spree.”

Dance knows who he’s talking about. “wait. you don’t mean... how...???”

“how?”

“how... how is he with you? wait, i must be assuming. who are you with, but not really?”

— — —

“u-uh... he likes... someone else, n-n-now...” Dance being the shy sweatpants boi he is puts on his hood blushing. “sorry, i said too much...”

“o-oh, no problem! killer chose me anyway, but i only chose him back cause he wants me to be his guy...de.” Color winks for the pun. guy-de for ‘guide’ lol.

— — —

Then, Color says his name.

“killer. he told me everything about himself. personally. there was no one else but me and him. like an error in his anti-void.”

“oh, uh... he’s h-here, actually...” Dance hesitates. “wait... i still have more to say...”

“ok.”

Dust walks out of the conversation, continuing to follow Red.

Red sees Killer being cute. “ah *shoes*-//“

he notices himself getting his words censored and thats embarrassing. “WHAT THE-////“

— — —

Color and Dance walks in.

“hey, what’s happening here?” Color asks.

“hi red...” Dance waves. “i hope your anger management’s doing well.”

Red’s starting to think he’s gonna have a BIG WHOOP. “OK, what’s goin’ on here?! who set this?! cigar’rus?!” he mentions US!Pap, the host of the therapy closet session.

— — —

Killer sees Dust and feels a bit scarEd. “hiya.”

“welcome to the party, that goes to the three of you....” Dance still shying out tho.

“hey buddy red. tough day? i heard you yelling back there.” Color helps Red.

“ya heard nothin, newbie!” Red nervously laughs. “feel like imma get stabbed by that dust guy there! or any of those funkers!”

Killer breaks up with Color 3 2 1-

“sir’s probably lookin’ for us, we should find a way out.” Dust puts a hand around Killer.

Killer blushes. “wait...// im still wearing this.”

Dust lets go. “ohhh’kayyy, take your time...”

Killer rubs both of his sleeves until he sees Color. “color....?”

“uh...” Color stops hiding behind Dance, holds Dance’s hand, and blushes. “yeah, it’s me.”

Dance blushes back, HE A HERMIT CRAB//) “(c-color, whuh)”

“long time no see.”

“heheh... i heard you found someone else, so... hey, it’s okay! if he can help you, honestly, i just said yes so i could control you. and, uh, manipulation is one of the bad things in relationships, right? so...”

Killer listens to Color. “don’t feel bad.”

“i’m gonna walk off cause i don’t wanna get caught. oh, and one more thing.” Color shows Killer he’s holding Dance’s hand. “once you see it, you can ditch me.”

“s-s-sorry/////“ Dance mutters while hiding in his hood hiding away his blue blushy flustering face.

last one: shoutout to outer sans being a fluffy pillow to the bad sanses out there uwu

Outer, still next to RainbowKill, looks at Dust while Color and Dance walk away together. Not only he should help Killer calm down, but maybe him too. He probably has a certain goal to calm down most Sanses that used to be good. Yep, still the most relaxed Sans AU.

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tsukuna · 4 years ago

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Side by Side - Ch. 6: Her

Summary: You wandered into Red Grave City to warn the “Legendary Devil Hunter” of a certain… negative shift in the area’s energy. It was an energy you knew to be demonic, and it grew stronger by the day. But on your way to meet with the intermediary, a noisy bird caught your attention. A noisy bird that would bring you to a frail man on the brink of falling apart.

Rated M • Female Reader • Before the Events of DMC V• Under the Cut • Please Support on AO3! • Part 5

The last thing V expected was to hear a woman’s voice after he had collapsed, but before he could interrogate you, Griffon swooped in. The demon vouched for you, letting V know that he would be dead without you. He was wary, however, V gave you a cautious thank you. It was certainly a strange, unexpected beginning to his first companionship since he was a child.

The weight of his likely demise and horrendous decisions were heavy, but your company dulled some of the strain. V didn’t understand why. Was it simply because you could fill in the cracks of his crumbling body? He didn’t believe that to be true, even though it would be easier to think of you as a tool as opposed to an individual he wished to be around. It appeared that the sentiment was reciprocated. Though they had yet to share much of their histories with one another, there was a sense of calm and trust. “How peculiar…” V mumbled, looking away from his book (that he wasn’t really reading) to see you sleeping--cuddled up with Shadow and Griffon. He knew that when you awoke, you would bring about another interesting day. It was only a few hours ago that Griffon was relentlessly attacking you with the worst puns. You said you hated it, but couldn’t stop grinning and laughing. You even exclaimed between fits, “STOP! I’m gonna pee myself Griffon!” A small smile tugged at his lips as he settled in to sleep as beside you. V--no--Vergil always found humans to be weak and of no consequence, yet he found himself enjoying these mundane moments.

It was one of those nights that he dreamt of a little girl outside of a shrine.

She was weeping endlessly, each sob rippling through her small frame. She wore a silken dress, though there were torn areas where he could see fresh blood and burns and her hair was a tangled mess. He could hear her singing, her voice laced with gloom

‘Sanctuary of the light moon, tainted by a crimson hue. Naught save the night shall know of my sorrows, I give unto her my all. No one, no more.’

It was a sad display. V took a step toward her, but stopped, noticing his own small stature. Am I a child once again? With his small hands, he grabbed a strand of hair from his head. White. Before any further confusion could occur, it seemed the little girl was alerted to his presence. He recognized those eyes. V softly said your name (though it came out as Vergil’s).

“Who are you?” You trembled, a wild expression on your face. “No one should be here. I’m not ready.” Your little voice was filled with fear and concern. It saddened him.

“I’m your friend,” he tried to smile. “Vergil.”

You shook your head vigorously. “I do not have friends, I am not allowed. The gods are above friendships,” your eyes went downcast. “That’s what Mama tells me.”

“Well,” he kept walking forward. “Demons don’t typically have friends either, but I think it would be nice to.”

“Demon?” You took a few sniffs. “You do stink…” You turned away from him. “You need to leave, I should kill you if what you say is true. But I don’t want to.”

V continued to press forward. “Well can I at least help clean those cuts up?”

He could see you flinch as you touched one of them. “They’re my lesson though. It will teach me to be a better host. Stronger.” You looked at him over your shoulder. “But they really hurt…”

V could tell you wanted help but didn’t wish to ask, you wanted to be strong. He knew the feeling. Gently, he took your hand and began to walk you to the nearby pond. There was no resistance on your part. In fact, there was nothing at all. As the two of you hit the water’s edge, you sat as softly as a leaf falling. V took his shorts in hand and ripped some of the fabric off then soaked them in water. “Sorry,” he apologized sheepishly. “I don’t have any actual medical stuff.”

“S’okay,” you whispered. He carefully dabbed each wound with some of the bigger ones causing you to wince. Once again, you began to hum, perhaps to hide any nervousness.

It took minutes to clean, there were truly a lot of them. “None of them should get infected at the very least,” V leaned back.

You looked up at him, taking a softer expression. “Thank you, Vergil.”

“What else are friends for?” Your face blushed pink and you gave him a toothy smile. V suddenly felt his book tucked into the back of his pants. Dream logic was incredibly convenient. “Want to read this together?” He showed her the book with a V drawn on the front.

Your eyes lit up and you nodded. “Mhm!” V patted your head, pleased with the response. The rest of the dream was spent reading, the two of you taking turns. It appeared to V that even as children, the both of you could’ve been friends.

The initial day of the Qliphoth mission came and went, ending in utter defeat. Yet you chose to stay beside him in Redgrave instead of following Nero to Fortuna--somewhere that would be much safer and comfortable. “You need me,” you grinned at V, and it truly seemed that he did. He admired your strength, your intelligence and the kindness you showed, despite him being utterly undeserving. It was his sins that caused all this to happen. You were enigmatic to him. For reasons unknown, you worked hard and went out of your way to protect him. Moments like that reminded him of his weakness, reminded him that he could protect nothing. You never appeared to be in danger ( at least not in the waking world ), but if you were, would he even be able to do a thing? It was incredibly irritating, but all she had asked was for them to stay side by side. V agreed immediately in spite of himself.

However, there were moments where you and him had to split to lurk around for resources. Your subconscious pout let him know that you were hesitant to do so, but you were aware of the necessity. You grabbed his hand and shook it. “Stay safe, V.” He thought the little smile on your face was pretty.

“Oh don’t worry,” Griffon called your name. “We’ll keep Shakespeare safe and whole for you!” V shook his head in exasperation then began to ride away, using Shadow as a mode of transport. “I bless your union.”

“I have not a single clue of which you speak,” V side-eyed Griffon.

“Sure you do,” Griffon held out the last sound. “When you’re not thinking of our impending doom, you’re thinking of her!”

“Tch.” V whipped his head the direction opposite quickly, but Griffon maneuvered to be right in his face.

“Hey, hey, don’t get all shy now! Looks like she is into you too!” He blabbered on about you and all the ‘pros.’

The man gave a long sigh. “There is no point in engaging in any sort of relationship beyond this. In fact, this has already gone farther than it should have.” Though he said that, he knew he wouldn’t make any attempt to disengage. Such selfishness. His eyes turned downcast when he thought about it, “I won’t be here for long.”

The crow cackled. “Maybe you won’t be here as you are now, but, in the interest of optimism, you’ll continue to exist!”

V imagined your reaction to his rejoining. It was likely it would happen, he couldn’t imagine that you would suddenly be gone when he needed you most (though he hated to admit it). What would your face look like as you looked upon him--upon Vergil? He finally responded, “I don’t think she would care for him.”

“Care for you, you mean? If she can care for your weak ass right now, I’m sure she’ll be swept off her feet by you when you’re strong, heh, heh!” Griffon stopped chattering for a moment to speculate. “She’ll certainly be confused, but depending on how much you tell her beforehand, she may accept it or do something else first. Like decking you in the face or stabbin’ ya--something out of anger!” V frowned deeply. “But she’d forgive and continue to be there. I am certain of it.”

He put his face in his palm. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

Griffon landed on V’s shoulder. “Chin up princess! I’ll be your wingman. Heh, get it? Wing man?” V shooed him away. “Okay, okay, that was a bad one. But for realsies, I’m sick of hearing your internal pining but watching you do nothing.”

“I am not pining,” V vehemently denied.

Griffon began to mock him, “Oh I wish I could protect her. Oh she’s so pretty and strong and smart. Oh I’m so afraid of what will happen with her after this is over.”

“I get it, you can stop now,” those deep green eyes glared at the bird. “Had we met under different circumstances, had I been a better man, then… perhaps I would have attempted to pursue something.”

The crow rolled his multiple eyes and feigned a yawn. “C’mon now V, haven’t you two practically already pursued something? You’ve been on shitty food dates, you have some similar interests, you guys have shared the same sleeping space since you’ve met.” Griffon sighed at the silence. “Since you’re clearly not going to say something, what if she does? What will you do then?”

“The answer to that question is unclear,” V admitted after a time. It has been such a short amount of time, and yet all the moments spent next to you have been the most fulfilling in his pathetic, misguided life. Every smile you gave him warmed his chest and he tended to smile in spite of himself. “I don’t deserve to accept her feelings if she wished to express them.”

“Oh screw whatever the hell that deserving bullshit is about! There’s no guarantee that we’ll survive this whole Qliphoth business, so why not just have fun with some young love?”

V quirked his brow, “I’m not young.”

“Your romantic maturity is that of a child so let’s just continue to call it that!” V smacked him on the head with his cane.

“I tire of this conversation with you.”

“Just trying to help ya’ out buddy.”

“Truly appreciated,” V mumbled. Have fun, huh? You often talked hopefully about doing fun things together. He fondly remembered you jumping on the bed and chattering about going to an amusement park together after “all this demon shit is over” before taking him by the hand and forcing him to jump with you. V yearned for the ideas you planted in his head. If you were to say something to him… should he forgo any of his concerns and embrace it? V and his familiars began to search abandoned buildings, looking for any sort of nourishment. Much of the area was already so destroyed and infested with roots that it was hard to tell which business did what. He walked through the rubble of one shop when something sparkling caught his eye. V bent down and took the object in his hand. It was a necklace--a crescent moon pendant with amethysts set inside of it. He chuckled to himself at how fitting it would be for you and pocketed it. V imagined your face flushing when he gave it to you, it was a soft thought.

After a time of sifting through both his thoughts and the destruction, Griffon and V managed to scrounge up some snack food, but it seemed like resources were drying up, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the two of you would do to sustain yourselves for the next month.

V was exhausted by the time he met back up with you. Each time he summoned Nightmare, it took a sizable toll on his energy, plus he was still hungry. Griffon broke the news to you about what you were to be surviving on for the time being--demons. It was quite obvious that you were unhappy with the news, but being strong, you would take whatever you could to live. You resigned to the reality of the situation and helped transport the bodies to a safe area where the group would be able to rest for the night. In fact, you made sure of it that you would be able to rest for the night. While he was requested to gather materials for a fire, you began to set up wards around the abandoned courtyard. It was a curious thing, but V remembered you were the daughter of a shrine priestess (at the very least).

Griffon helped start the fire by striking the wood with his lightning and Shadow came trotting back with the butchered meat. He watched you warily eye the roasted meat before taking a bite. Both of you agreed that it was utterly vile, much to the annoyance of the crow who always screamed about the disrespect.

The man felt strange--strange about his interactions with the boy, strange about his fate, strange about you. Upon expressing that, Griffon grabbed him by shirt and unceremoniously dropped him into the fountain, taunting him about stinking like demon blood. His clothes were drenched, so you and his familiars got to work on drying them out. V figured that while he was stuck in there, he may as well try his best to clean out. He sunk into the water, thoughts filled with where he went wrong in his life, his cowardice, his ignorance towards what strength truly is. It was as if he were about to melt away; however he was once again gripped by the demon’s talons. V was scolded and talked down to like a baby, but he was still too lost in thought to really care.

“I’d barely call these dry,” V lightly complained once Griffon brought the clothes to him.

“Sorry,” you shrugged with a dry laugh. “I can only work so hard to clean up the mess of this chatterbox right here.”

“Well, as long as it’s wearable, anything goes,” V responded while pulling up his pants. As he moved by the fire, you began to undress, complaining that you smelled as well. He wanted to give you privacy, but your bare skin was still visible from the peripheral view. A thought or two passed through his tired mind, but he shook them away.

He gave ear to the exchange you and Griffon were having, it sounded like you were revealing more of your life, and V was always curious to learn more. The fire was flickering in his deep green eyes when he noticed the splash of you moving up behind him.

“Here.” His eyes focused on the ring you dangled in his face..

“Your ring?” He questioned. “Do you need me to hold onto it while you are in the water?” V brought his hand up so you could give it to him. “Nope, it’s yours now.” You responded as he felt the ring fall into his open palm. “If you are okay accepting it of course…”

V couldn’t stop himself from turning his head to look you in the face. “Why would you give this to me? Don’t you need it for survival?” With a furrowed brow, he examined your features, searching for any trace of a joke.

“Well,” you began, “I trust you with it, and it will help keep you safe when I can’t be there.” V . “This way, wherever you go, I’ll always be with you,” you smiled.

He closed his hand around the ring, still warm from being around your finger. “I don’t understand you,” he admitted to himself out loud. “Why do you care to help me so much? You have since you met me. Even amongst all the insanity and information I have omitted, you have stuck by my side. And now you wish to give me a piece of you. Why?” The question almost came out like a plea for the answer.

“Well, it’s because I like you of course,” you smiled shyly, “As in like- like.” V heard you giggle as his lips parted in surprise. You reached your hand out of the water and took his hand, plucking the ring from his other palm. “Here,” V watched as you slipped the ring onto his pinky finger. “I was worried it’d be a bit too small, but it’s a perfect fit!” His chest hurt as he stared at it. The last time he was bestowed such a gift was on his birthday--his half of the perfect amulet from his mother. Once again, he was being given a jewel that had responsibility attached to it. “I hope you will accept it.” You said once more as your face took on a nervous expression.

V hesitated but eventually responded. “I… will accept it.” He had grabbed it a couple days ago, but never gave you the necklace. If there was a good time, it was now, and so he shuffled through his pocket. “Here,” he dangled it and you gently grabbed it. Your mouth formed an ‘O’ shape.

“This is my first gift.” He saw tears prick your eyes and was reminded of the child in his dream. Despite being naked, you leaned out of the fountain and threw your arms around his neck, burying your face in the crook of it. Slowly, he reciprocated the embrace, fingers feeling the lines of rough, scarred skin. “Thank you, V.”

“Mm,” he hummed with a nod.

You pulled back and began to stand up, to which he turned back around in response (though it’d be a lie if he denied getting a decent glimpse). V listened to you quickly shuffle back into your clothes before plopping down next to him in front of the fire. “Will you help me with this?” You turned your head away and held up the pendant for him to take.

“Of course.” V did the clasp, letting the moon of the necklace hand a little bit below your collar bones. You seemed… so happy with it.

“I love it.” You affirmed his thoughts and planted a kiss on his cheek, an purposefully intimate gesture he didn’t know how to respond to. You seemed to sense his unease. “It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything just yet. I know that shit is bad right now.”

‘Your romantic maturity is that of a child…’ Griffon’s words rang out irritatingly in V’s head, and he wanted to prove the bird wrong. “Your feelings,” he felt you stiffen, “I won’t deny that they are… reciprocated.”

“V…”

“I care for you.” It felt strange for him to say those words. “But it wouldn’t be right for me to indulge in these feelings. You’d only be hurt.” You were clearly confused. “There’s more to me than I have let on,” V admitted.

“As if I didn’t know that,” you laughed. You clapped your hands on his cheeks and leaned your face towards his with an amused smirk. “Hope you don’t mind this!”

“Mind wh--” You pressed your lips against his and after a second of hesitation, he pressed back.

#v/reader #v/you #v x reader #v x you #Female reader #vitale #vitale x reader #vitale/reader #vitale x you #Devil May Cry 5 #devil may cry #DMC 5 #dmc #ghuoligans #tsukuuyomis #also posted to ao3 #find me on ao3 at Adagium (ghuoligans)

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my-happy-little-bean · 4 years ago

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The Road Trip - Chapter 1

pairings: logicality (platonic or romantic, depending on how you view it) words: 3964 chapter warnings: familial death, talks about upcoming death, existential talks & debates on life/death, implied toxic familial relationships, implied suicide mention (never confirmed/elaborated on) chapter summary: in which patton and logan learn more about each other and also talk about the sunset.

note: the song featured in this chapter is called "means to a mend" by adam melchor :)

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*credit to art in this chapter goes to @lemonyellowlogic ✨*

---

The first hour or so was quiet, much to Patton’s despair. Logan didn’t even turn on his radio, making Patton think that he was expecting a bit more conversation as well.

He leaned his head against Logan’s window, idly tuning his ukulele over and over again as the world sped past him. The strings and the sound of Logan shifting gears was all he could hear.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting, in all honesty. Of course it was going to be quiet; they didn’t even know each other.

Still, he feared the possibility that this is what the entire trip could be like; so he straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat.

“So, um, Logan –” He sounded like he was testing how it felt to say his name– “what do you do?”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Logan stiffen. He forced his stare straight ahead. Great. He was doing just... great.

“I’m a teacher,” Logan finally said.

“Really?” Patton latched onto the words as soon as he heard them. “That’s so cool!”

“I suppose it is.” Logan drummed his fingers against the wheel. “I enjoy it.”

“What do you teach?”

“Science.” Patton watched as a smile tugged at the corner of Logan’s lips. “I teach at a high school level, so it is not the most advanced content to teach; but it is fulfilling to give students a figurative...spark.”

“Spark?”

“Just the motivation to pursue something more than what is on the whiteboard, so to speak.” Patton caught a glimpse of a small twinkle in Logan’s eye. “There is no experience greater than when a student comes up to you after class and asks you a question.”

Patton smiled. How could he not have been given more time?

“That sounds...incredible,” he said instead. Logan just nodded, though the smile remained.

“How about you?” Patton finally turned his head to face him as he spoke. “What do you do?”

“Me?” Patton squeaked, blushing slightly. “Oh I, um, write...songs.”

“Oh?”

“It’s not really a big deal,” Patton said quickly. “I just, um...well, I upload some of them on YouTube.”

“Do you have a following?”

“Not an impressive one.” He shrugged. “At least, not in today’s world.”

“Still,” Logan said, taking one hand off the wheel to grab his iced coffee. “I think it is an interesting occupation, being in the world of social media.”

Patton laughed nervously. “Heh, yeah! I guess.”

“Is that why you brought your ukulele?”

Patton blushed again.

“Yeah,” he replied meekly. “I’m hoping to write something before...you know.”

A quiet hush filled the car. Patton watched as Logan’s smile fell.

“Yes,” Logan finally said, clearing his throat and setting his drink back down. “I understand.”

“Though I– I’ve been having some trouble finding inspiration,” Patton continued, scrambling to pick the conversation back up. He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. “The chances of being struck with inspiration is less than like, being struck by lightning, heh.”

“Hm,” Logan hummed. “Well, where do you usually find inspiration?”

“My family,” Patton said, almost instantly. “A lot of my songs are about my family.”

Logan, to his surprise, smiled.

“That is...well, adorable.”

“I guess it is,” Patton laughed, looking back down at his ukulele. “It’s easy to find inspiration when I think of them because I played a lot for them. Especially my mum — it’s easy to think of something great when I think of her.”

“What does your mother do?”

“She was a scientist.” Patton saw Logan beam in the corner of his eyes. “She led a lot of field research campaigns for NASA before she retired.”

“Fascinating,” Logan said, as if his breath was taken away. Patton smiled.

“She is,” He said proudly. “She was given a lot of time.”

“I can imagine. She was truly deserving of it.”

"She still is.” Patton’s heart swelled as he spoke. “She takes care of Roman and Remus– my younger brothers– pretty much all by herself.”

He laughed. “They can be a handful sometimes. And I mean, I help around too when I can, but she...well, she’s the leader.”

“She sounds wonderful,” Logan said almost fondly.

“She really is.” Patton’s smile fell. “I just wish she didn’t have to do it on her own.”

Logan frowned.

“Did...did something happen to your father?”

Patton sighed. “He wasn’t as lucky with his time.”

A beat of silence.

“Ah, I see,” Logan cleared his throat. “My apologies."

“It’s okay.” Patton smiled sadly. “He...um, it was complicated, heh.”

“...Right.”

Logan fell silent once more. Patton cursed at himself as he felt the conversation die. That one...well, that was on him.

The next half hour was quiet again. Patton didn’t try to resurrect their talk; instead, he fiddled with the strings on his ukulele, trying to come up with a few chords that could tell the story of this suddenly awkward adventure.

“I know what it’s like,” Logan finally spoke up, when the agonizing silence passed.

Patton lifted his head up. “What?”

“About your father.” Logan didn’t take his eyes off the road. “I know what it’s like to not know how to...well, feel .”

---

The story of Logan’s parents is kind of a sad one. It made Patton wonder why good people had the saddest stories.

His dad’s life was just cut short. Logan never understood why, and neither did Patton. He was an electrician, and a good one of that. Friend to many, a joy to all. It made Patton’s blood run cold, thinking of the Doctor who made that decision.

But his mother was a different story.

“She left when I was 14,” Logan recalled as they sat in traffic. He leaned back in his seat, one hand on the wheel and the other leaning against his window. “My dad had only died three years ago when she dropped me off at my grandmother’s house. I...I don’t know where she is now.”

“Oh, Logan .” Patton’s voice went quiet, barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

“Do not worry about apologizing.” Logan sounded bitter; cold. “What she did was...it was illogical.”

Patton shifted in his seat nervously. “It was?”

A beat of silence.

“She was a Doctor,” Logan finally said.

Patton immediately looked at Logan, as if his words became his prey.

“A...a Doctor.” Patton tried to keep his voice levelled. “ Huh .”

“She believed the whole ‘ultimate sacrifice’ concept,” Logan murmured, not making eye contact with Patton. He looked almost ashamed. “As if it was the most valuable thing you could do with your time.”

“Did she just not have enough time?”

Logan stiffened. “She never told me. All I know about it is that she did her Procedure when she was 21, right before she left the Clinic after her mandatory appointment. She told me that they went through her files, disclosed to her the results, and then she simply made her decision.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Logan echoed, his voice a quiet murmur. “For all I know, she could have been doing this for years; even before I was born.”

Patton winced at the small flame that suddenly flickered in his chest.

“She had it all,” Logan continued. “Difficulty aside, the job was extremely rewarding. After my father passed, we probably could have had enough to live a very generous lifestyle. Not to mention having the limit on her time completely eradicated...”

Logan sighed. “I will never understand how she could just give that away.”

The flame intensified. Patton shook his head and stared out the window.

“I can’t believe she just left.” His chest hurt with every word. “That’s...that’s so awful.”

A pause.

“It’s a hard job, I suppose,” is all Logan said.

Patton’s anger drifted out of him through a sigh, leaving as fast as it arrived.

“Is she still…?”

“Alive?” Logan chuckled quietly. “I don’t know. All I know is that she is certainly not doing her job anymore.”

“I didn’t even know you could do that,” Patton murmured. “Because, like...they live forever, don’t they?”

Logan’s hands tensed up on the wheel. “They do.”

“And if they live forever, there’s really only one way out...isn’t there?”

A beat of silence. Logan then cleared his throat.

“Do you want dinner?” he suddenly blurted out.

Patton blinked. “Pardon?”

“Dinner,” Logan continued to drum his fingers against the wheel. “I feel like we need to raise our spirits — figuratively, of course. It is a road trip, after all.”

“Oh.” Patton didn’t even realize it was late; or that the tension in the car actually peaked high enough for one of them to notice. “Um, yeah! Gosh, I’m so sorry, um– dinner would be...swell.”

Logan just nodded.

The car shifted off the highway and towards softer lights from nearby town buildings and homes; and Patton finally decided that perhaps it would be best to just sit in the silence for a little while.

---

“You could have ordered more than just a salad, you know?” Patton said as Logan gave the waitress their menus. “This can be my treat! It’s the least I can do.”

“I want to keep spendings to a minimum,” Logan hummed. “For a night or two in a motel, and meals when the time arises. After all, it is important to conserve resources when pursuing a trip that may involve some detours.”

Patton giggled as he leaned back against his seat. His eyes drifted to the slowly-darkening sky out the window.

“Wow,” Patton sighed. “Are sunsets just prettier when you’re on a road trip?”

“Perhaps,” Logan said, pushing his glasses up as he snuck a glance at the sunset as well.

“It’s so beautiful.” Patton absentmindedly put his chin in his hand, almost dreamily. “I could stare at it for hours.”

“You know,” Logan began, still looking out the window with Patton, “the human eye can perceive only a small part of sunlight that falls in the visible spectrum.”

“Yeah?” Patton asked, still dreamy, until his smile faltered and he asked; “Wait, what does that mean?”

Logan chuckled.

“It means that we are not able to see all the colours of a sunset,” Logan explained. “See, as the sun starts to set, its light travels a longer distance. Particles in the atmosphere act as a prism for the light refraction; which is why we see red, orange, and pink hues within a sunset.”

“ Wow .” Patton smiled at the colours in the sky, which suddenly meant so much more.

“It is quite fascinating,” Logan murmured. “You know, while humans are unable to see all the colours of a sunset, there are some organisms who can; particularly, those who can perceive ultraviolet light. It is theorized that they hence see a more colourful sunset.”

“That’s so cool! ” Patton grinned. “I wonder what colours they see. Maybe some that don’t even exist yet!”

Logan gave him a small smile. “Perhaps.”

“How do you know so much about this kind of stuff?”

“...I am a teacher, Patton.”

“Oh!” Patton giggled. “Yeah, that would make sense!”

Logan just gave him an amused nod as he watched the sunset with Patton through the diner’s slightly-dirty windows.

“This is really nice,” Patton finally said after a bit of silence between the two.

“I do not quite understand how being in a slightly...unmanaged roadside diner with an aesthetic emulating the 50’s leads you to this conclusion–” And here, Logan smiled– “but I am glad to hear that, Patton.”

“Of course!” Patton turned to face Logan. “I’m having a good time. And I really enjoy your company on this– let’s be honest– really weird adventure we’re going on.”

Logan just chuckled again.

“I know I’ve been kind of...well, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it,” Patton continued, looking down almost shyly. “But that’s only because it’s all still hitting me, you know? It all doesn’t feel... real yet.”

Logan slowly nodded.

“I can understand that. It takes a while to adjust, I suppose,” he said with a shrug. “But at least you can rest a little easier, now that you know how it happens. There has to be some solace in that, hm?”

Patton laughed, though it felt too small and sad.

“I, um...I don’t know how it happens.”

Logan blinked. “You...you don’t?”

“Part of me was scared to know, obviously,” Patton explained, “but there’s– there’s just this other part of me that knows I shouldn’t be allowed to know...you know?”

“Everyone is allowed to know,” Logan said with a frown.

“No, I get that! And I respect people who choose to find out, obviously.” Patton sighed. “I guess I just don’t think it’s...fair.”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s natural for us not to know!” Patton shrugged idly. “It’s sorta like not knowing is the most human thing out there. We never knew before– why should we know now?”

“...Huh.” When Patton looked up, Logan’s face was...well, unreadable. “I never really thought about it that way.”

“Do you know?” Patton asked.

A beat of silence.

“Yes.” Logan cleared his throat. “It is peaceful, which I am thankful for, at least.”

Patton just smiled sadly. “You deserve it.”

Their food came not too long after and it was quiet for a while until Patton decided to sweep in with a lighter story; one that didn’t show too much of the edge Patton sat on.

But to his surprise, as he began to talk avidly about something he thought Logan wouldn’t be really interested in, Logan smiled at him.

And then, they ended up talking about everything — funny family anecdotes, stories about their jobs, their likes and dislikes; everything. Halfway through the conversation, Patton realized that the sunset had disappeared and the diner was almost empty. It shocked him for a split second — he didn’t even feel like a minute had passed, let alone an hour or two.

And it suddenly hit him how interesting Logan was; and how easy it suddenly was for him to talk to Logan without thinking too much of it, or of anything around them. They were talking as if they knew each other from a different life; like old friends with the same mind.

“I cannot believe you met Hans Zimmer,” Logan said, his eyes uncharacteristically wide and starry. Patton blushed.

“I didn’t really meet him,” Patton said meekly. “One of my friends from school was interning at a movie studio in LA and they were showing me around when I came to visit them. I just happened to bump into him and be...well, over enthusiastic about it until he left.”

“Amazing,” Logan murmured.

Patton giggled as the waitress came over to their table to take their bill.

Suddenly, a familiar tune floated out of a jukebox in the corner. Patton’s eyes lit up.

“They’re playing my song!”

Logan blinked. “What?”

“I chose a song out of the jukebox like, an hour ago!” Patton stood up, slowly bobbing his head to the beat of the music. “They’re finally playing it! Thank goodness, I was starting to think I did it wrong or something!”

“When did you even–”

“Come on!” Patton exclaimed as a loud, colourful burst of instruments blared from the small jukebox. He outstretched a hand to Logan. “We have to dance.”

Logan shook his head, but was smiling. “We do not have to do anything.”

“Yes we doooooo!” Patton waved his hand in front of Logan. “It’s a 50’s diner! There’s a jukebox playing a bop– a juke-bop! We have to dance! That’s what they probably did– um, back then!”

Logan looked down at Patton’s hand and then back up at Patton, who did his best to smile as wide as he could.

“We could do the juke- box step,” Patton said, waggling his eyebrows.

To his surprise, Logan kept staring at him.

And, for a split second, his stare lacked that knowing he was familiar with.

Patton lowered his hand slightly, a bit confused.

Then, Logan took his hand.

“Yay!” Patton cheered, filled with that vibrant feeling once more. He grabbed Logan and pulled him towards the empty space near the jukebox. Logan rolled his eyes, and Patton felt the tense-feeling in Logan’s hand loosen.

“Okay, just follow my lead.” Patton began to bob his head in an exaggerated way, motioning for Logan to echo the movement.

Logan sighed, rhythmically bobbing his head to the music while rooted in his place. His foot tapped to the beat as he crossed his arms.

Patton laughed.

“Oh come onnn!” Patton took Logan’s arms and shook them free, grabbing his hands and spinning him around. Logan broke into a wide smile.

And when Logan laughed, it sounded prettier than any music Patton had ever heard.

---

Patton was already closing his eyes when he heard Logan speak.

“You’re...different.”

Patton lifted his head to look at Logan. “Hm?”

“You’re different from the people I know,” Logan said, his eyes still on the road ahead of them.

Patton straightened up in his seat. “I am?”

“For starters,” Logan began, “I have never met a musician before. I was always fascinated by the industry, but from a distance. I never understood how one could just...draw inspiration from nothing to make, well, anything .”

Patton chuckled. “It’s a lot less difficult than you’re led to believe! The world is just stuffed with little nooks and crannies where inspiration hides. It’s just a matter of finding it, which is the fun part!”

“See, and that’s why I am just so...confused by you,” Logan murmured. “You treat music and family and, well, life as something so fun– and you give so much love to everything you are a part of. Tonight was just further proof of that.”

Patton blushed. “Aw, Logan! Thank you!”

“It’s true,” Logan sighed. “And so I am just confused as to why you weren’t given more time.”

A beat of silence. Patton’s smile fell.

“...Oh.” He laughed nervously. “Well, isn’t that just the million dollar question?”

“It’s just that the Clinic is supposed to reflect a system built on payoff and reward–”

“The system is wrong ,” Patton cut him off. More quietly, he added, “That’s all.”

Logan was seemingly stunned in silence because he didn’t respond. Patton sighed.

“Sorry,” he said meekly, rubbing the back of his neck and fixing his stare on the road in front of them instead of at Logan. “I’m...well, I’m no expert on politics or whatever, but I do have a pretty good idea on what is right and the Clinic? That’s...that’s not it.”

“How so?” Logan’s words seemed like they were walking on a tightrope. Patton shifted in his seat.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Patton explained, feeling his words grow more bitter as he continued. “Not to get, like, all philosophical on you, but it just doesn’t seem fair. I said it before, it’s natural for us to not know how it happens. And then you have these– these people , out here deciding how a complete stranger should be allowed to live their life before it even started?”

He snuck a glance at Logan. His jaw was seemingly clenched and his hands were tightly gripping the wheel. Patton winced.

“Gosh, what am I talking about.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, his frustration deflating. “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to sound so rude. I...I get that it’s a ‘gift’ or however people describe it. And if I was really that upset about my time, I could have made an Appeal to see if there was at least some possibility that I could have more. It’s just…”

Patton closed his eyes. “I guess part of me just wishes I was on the luckier side of it all.”

He shook his head with a soft chuckle.

“It’s selfish and wrong to be so self-serving. I’m sure they’re giving time to people more deserving of it than some one-hit-wonder musician.” Patton leaned his head against the window with a sigh. ”But...but I know people who deserved more time; people who didn’t get the chance to give even the smallest amount of anything to the world. Who knows, it could’ve been enough for them to be granted the time they deserved in the end.”

“Like your father?”

Patton grew tense. He averted his glance.

“No one should know,” he ended up saying. “Knowing something just makes it easy to...to exploit it.

Logan’s breath hitched.

“I…” Patton watched as his grip on the wheel loosened. “Knowledge is an incomparably valuable, multi-purposeful tool. And it is instrumental in identifying and solving any problem.”

“I don’t know if I’d call death a ‘problem’.” A pause. “Well, I mean it’s a problem for me right now, sure, but in general? I don’t think life can exist without it.”

“You raise a valid argument,” Logan hummed, “but life is the only thing we humans truly know. We know nothing about death– it’s not like it is a problem, it’s just something that has changed so drastically. Death, at some point in time, was inevitable; but now… now it’s something we can control and learn more about. It is one of the most harmful forces we can ever come across in our lives and now we know how to stop it. And I understand your argument but...but don’t you think that we’re getting closer to knowing how to save everyone from it?”

There’s a twinkle in his eye as he spoke. Patton frowned.

“I don’t know if it’s something, like...hurting us.”

“It’s just taking away our potential.” Logan took a moment to look at Patton. “It’s taking away the potential for people like you to truly explore all of what life has to offer.”

A beat of silence.

“Agree to disagree then,” Patton murmured. He gave Logan a small smile after sitting in the silence for a bit.

“You know,” he said, “I don’t know if I’d want to live forever.”

“Yeah?” Logan was no longer looking at him. Patton idly looked out the window and sighed.

“Because at some point...wouldn’t it just come full circle?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you already know everything about living,” Patton explained, “wouldn’t you just end up wanting to know more?”

Logan didn’t respond. Patton shrugged. “I just don’t know if I want to spend my whole life worrying about not knowing. At that point...well, I think I’d just be content with leaving it up to imagination.”

Patton was met with silence once more; though it felt less unsettling than before. Still, Patton ended up nervously humming to try and fill the void of their conversation.

After what felt like hours, Logan finally said, “Huh.”

“What’s up?”

“...You are different.”

And from the corner of his eye, Patton saw Logan smile.

---

“...Patton?”

“Mhm?”

“If I were to ask for a song–”

“Ah, sure! Any requests?”

“...Surprise me.”

Logan listened intently to the way Patton plucked the strings of his ukulele; and the way Patton’s breathing sounded like (slow, deep; ready ) before he sang.

“You had a dream you were up in the sky, down from the stars you then started to fly…”

Logan couldn’t help but smile as he exited the highway to find a motel, the night sky stretching far beyond them.

“And from there you could see as you fell through the miles, the place where you lived through the telephone lines…”

His eyes were beginning to feel heavy, but he stifled his yawn behind his hand so he wouldn’t miss a word Patton sang.

“There’s the yard and the trees, the roses you like; When you woke up and you knew you’d be fine.”

It kept Logan awake– no, alive – to hear his voice.

“If it happened to be the place where it ends, at least you would know how to land on a means to a mend…

---

next chapter >

#TS Storytime 2020 Submission #gabbie writes things #the road trip #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #logan sanders #patton sanders #logicality #logan/patton #human AU

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antarestyl · 5 years ago

Text

PTA Sans: The one with Mrs. Smith

Summary: Sans is still waiting for the other shoe to drop and well... he has some interesting conversations in this.

AO3-Link

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

I am sorry it took again so long. RL and writers block kinda made things very difficult but I had a few days off now and well... Christmas time always makes me nostalgic for this AU. I was to thank all of you who left Comments or gave Kudos. Thank you so much, you always gave me the motivation to return to this AU again and again.

All of you have fun with the chapter and have some wonderful holidays and a happy new year!

To be honest, Sans was a bit skeptic when things went unusually right and smooth. There were no strange after-effects from creating Azzy. Asgore and Toriel kinda coped with Azzy being around and being Azzy, Toriel kinda-sorta forgave him for lying to her, Frisk was overjoyed to have Azzy back and as something like a pseudo-sibling...

Hell, he even dunked Linda a few times again and it was GREAT. (Even with Linda being strangely more manageable these days. Guess she CAN learn after all. She still gave as good as always thou. )

Still, something inside him waited for the other shoe to drop. He waited for the humans to turn around and declare war on monster again seal them Underground. He waited for the officials to come down on Toriel's head and close her school. He waited for something to come and steal his stars or his life, for Toriel to realize that he was just a miserable bag of bones or for Papyrus to finally have enough or...

Or to wake up again in Snowdin.

He really really didn't like thinking like that. He KNEW it was a bad way of thinking, something he realized after months of therapy and something he had under control... most of the times.

It seems with everything that happened he was still a bit on the edge.

He felt it in his bones when he worked in his home office, when his fingers were a bit to tense to type quickly. He felt it when his magic seemed to ripple like waves when he wanted to do small delicate levitation work. He felt it when his magic took just a second to long to dissolve his food into magic at dinner, making him eat just a bit slower than usual.

Luckily, he was not the only one noticing these things.

So when he went to bed about three weeks after Azzy joined them for the PTA meeting, he was kinda surprised when Toriel pulled him into herself. Sans looked up and even in the dim light he saw her looking down at him with concern. It was hard to look at her expression like this.

“Uh...” Sans said, not knowing how to go from here.

“Knock knock.” said Toriel, making Sans blink more but answer just out of instinct.

“Who's there?”

“Water.”

“Water who?”

“Water you thinking in your skull, huh?”

Sans laughed a bit at that, Toriel joining in with her giggles.

“But seriously, Sans.” she said finally. “You seem a bit... distant.”

“I uh...”

“And tense.”

“What can I say, I am all bones, I am bound to be a bit... stiff.”

Toriel chuckled a bit and nuzzled him a bit. “I mean it Sans. Something is on your mind. … talk to me.”

And there they were, the three words that struck Sans more than anything. Not I love you not Let me help, no. Talk to me was the one that let his soul do a little jump. He didn't want to. Honestly.

He had to, had he?

“I... I really dunno, Tori.” Sans mumbled out, turning so he could bury his face into white soft fur. “I just... I feel...”

There was a soft paw on his head again, petting him and this shouldn't feel so nice and this shouldn't sooth him so much but it did. Toriel didn't even SAY anything but her touch and intent and the subtle touch of magic was enough.

She was worried and she wanted answers and Sans had no idea how to put it all into words.

“I just feel like... it's not over. Or it can't be over.” he mumbled. “I worked for years... and before that on something similar even longer and it never worked and now...”

“You waiting for it all to go wrong?” asked Toriel.

“Kinda? I mean... it was hard. So hard.” mumbled Sans. “And I know you and Asgore and Azzy... are still figuring stuff out. But all in all it's so... okay now?”

“Would you prefer if I was more angry?”

“No? I mean you got all right to be. With me, with Asgore, with nobody in particular...”

“Sans...” said Toriel, sighing deeply. “Listen to me?”

Sans sighed with relieve. Toriel talking meant he didn't had to talk now. He nodded and looked up into Toriel's eyes.

“I was angry.” Toriel said. “But I was angry for a very very long time. Angry and bitter. I was angry at Asgore, at the humans, at myself. I was angry even at the children that left me behind despite me warning them. I was angry at so many things, Sans. And I did things in anger I regret and ironically I judged Asgore for doing wrong things in his anger and grief too. And I was unable to let go of my grudge for a long, long time because sometimes it felt like it was the only thing that let me go on.”

Sans wanted to say something but Toriel just lifted a paw, showing him that she wasn't done.

“After the barrier fell... I was angry too. I was angry that Frisk saw Asgore as a father figure despite him trying to hurt them. I was angry that Asgore wasn't hurting MORE. I was angry that there were monster looking at Asgore with adoration, especially Undyne. I wanted to scream at all of them, wanted them to be angry and hate him just as much as I did in that moment. I wanted Frisk to not love him so much.”

Sans stared at Toriel. Sure, he had known she had a lot of issues with Asgore and that she could hold a grudge but he had never thought how deep this was going.

“But... in the end? I sat down with Asgore. We talked. A... a lot. And I came to realize that I misjudged him. That I did a lot of things wrong too and that Asgore was not the evil heartless creature I had pained in my mind. That he was suffering just like I did and just expressed it differently.” Toriel sighed. “We both got angry, we both grieved. He declared war on humanity to keep the Underground from losing hope. I took the body of our dead child and ran away and let my feelings fester. We both had to let go of this. It's not nice, it's not pretty and what happened was horrible... but we both had to accept that.”

“So... that was why you got along better suddenly?” asked Sans.

“I a way.” Toriel sighed. “It... took a lot. To let it go. But I learned a lot in that time. To not let my hurt and grief transform into the sort of dark anger like I had let myself do it before. So... when you told me about this.... about Flowey and As...Asriel... and how you had known my son was still out there, even if his soul was not there anymore... and how you told other people, Alphys and Asgore... I was hurt Sans. It hurt. Because I thought I was better now and that you would trust me with this.”

Sans looked away, soul vibrating with hurt. “I am sorry.”

“And I forgave you for that Sans.” said Toriel, gently holding his skull. “I was hurt but I forgave you because I can understand. And I honestly don't know what I would have done had you told me before. But what was done is done and we are dealing with it.” Toriel sighed softly. “Asgore and I will always have a very complicated relationship now. He hurt me and I hurt him and we forgave each other and are friends again but sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I am jealous and sometimes I still feel that terrible dark bitterness but I know it's not fair.” She took a big breath. “It was reasonable of you to think I would not take this well. It still hurt but I didn't exactly put much confidence into you that I was able to handle it. And believe me, even now the whole thing is by far not as... okay now as you seem to think. But it is more okay than you seem to fear.”

Part of Sans was relieved. A big part of him even. As strange as it sounded, Sans was just happy that he wasn't the only one still mentally reeling from this.

“Are you still angry with me?” he asked.

“No.” Said Toriel. “I forgave you. I was angry, I worked through it. Things are... different now. With me and Asgore and Azzy and I still have to think about a lot of what happened in all these years since this horrible day. But I am not angry with you, Sans. We talked things out already and things will get only better from here.

Big fuzzy paws were now petting him more, cuddling him into Toriel's body and surrounding him with warmth. He felt himself relaxing more and more because darn this felt nice and he wanted to stay like this forever.

“So relax, my dear.” said Toriel. “Things won't just break apart.”

And in that moment, Sans believed her.

For some reason, Sans never really met with Mrs. Smith. He heard of her and saw her once or twice in the school but she never had talked to him.

From what Mettaton and Papyrus had told him, he kinda didn't want to anyway. It was still strange and Sans really didn't know if he should see it as a blessing or a curse.

Well if even Linda was freaked out, something had to be wrong about her... on the other hand, Linda gets freaked out at a ton of things that Sans considered as only shoulder-shrug-material. (Heh, get dunked on Linda!)

Anyway, he had heard of her, he had seen her once or twice walking through the school but he never actually talked to her. So he was kinda surprised when she suddenly walked up to him while he was waiting at Toriel's office, small brown lunch-bag in his hand. He had felt like grabbing some coffee and chat with Toriel if possible but when he heard the small cough behind him any thought of coffee and chatter went out of his head.

Something was wrong with Mrs. Smith and Sans had no clue what. She looked like a human, yeah. But... just... off.

The feeling was back. The feeling of wrongness was back in full force and it took almost everything in Sans to not let his bones rattle in absolute basic terror.

“Mister... Sans.” She said and Sans cringed again.

“Just Sans is alright.”

“It is nice to finally meet you. Until now you always seemed... indisposed.”

Sans made a face at that. Because... yeah... big can of worms. Very big can of worms.

“Uh... yeah.” said Sans, laughing uneasily as he tried to put his best unassuming smile on his face. Mrs. Smith didn't seem impressed. “So you wanna talk right here or....?”

“I think one of the unused classrooms will be appropriate.” she said smoothly and that was how Sans ended up in an empty classroom, sitting more or less uncomfortable on one of the chairs with Mrs. Smith right across him staring at him, clipboard and pen in hand.

“So. What do you wanna know?”

“First of all, I was told you are one of the guardians of the child called Frisk?”

“Uh... yeah, their mom and I are married.”

“And you are an active member of the Parent-Teacher-Association?”

Sans blinked at that. He never considered himself an active anything. Mrs. Smith was still staring at him and after a few seconds took to writing down something on her clipboard.

“I guess?” Sans said unsure, trying to sound casual.

“How would you describe your experiences at the school?” And that gaze was back on him. Sans tried to not look away.

“Well... it is different than my school back in the Underground.” said Sans easily.

It wasn't a lie. Nobody had to know that he never really visited a normal school. To be honest Sans was well past ready to lay his entire past to rest now. Nothing to see here, just a normal skeleton monster, totally boring, not-at-all interesting past, assume just the standard thing, okay? Okay.

“I see... in what sense?”

“Well... there are humans here? And... things are just different?”

Mrs. Smith wrote something down again and the looked at him again. Sans noticed that he hadn't seen her blink since they sat down. Humans usually did that right?

“You also filled in as a substitute teacher a few times?” She asked.

“Yeah, for science.”

It was super awkward but also kinda fun to mess around with the kids he had to admit but he gladly left the job to people who actually had the qualifications for that. Toriel only approached him as a last resort.

“What are your qualifications for that?”

“Uh... I have several doctorates and I worked with kids some times in the Underground.”

“What kind of work?”

“Babysitting.”

Again not a lie... he did babysitting, he kinda raised Papyrus and he did entertain and look after kids that came to Grillby's, simply because kids like his jokes.

Mrs. Smith was writing something again. Something about that made Sans more and more nervous.

Finally she looked at him again, eyes settling directly onto his.

“Would you say the school is a success?”

What kind of questions were these?

“I would say so.” Said Sans slowly. “I mean... we have monster and humans learning together and from each other. Understanding for each other and all that. Also Toriel does run the school very well, she is a great teacher and knows exactly what to do to make learning fun for the kids. Even the kids from parents that don't like monster seem to get along very well with the monster.”

Even Billy seemed to be... strangely okay. Frisk had turned him down politely when he finally managed to state his intentions to hold hands properly but they remained friends and Sans had seen him hanging out with Monster Kid more and more now.

“I mean... even I learn something new about humans and human culture every day.” added Sans softly, thinking of the last months. “And I kinda hope that the humans learn something about us too.”

Mrs. Smith nodded slowly and wrote something down again, this time more than before. Her pen moved for a whole minute before she looked up at Sans.

“And do you believe in this? Do you believe that humans and monster can change?” she finally asked, eyes boring into Sans as if she was trying to look at his soul. “Do you believe everybody can change?”

Something was wrong. Off. Something of that wording...

Was it just the lighting or... was there a glint in Mrs. Smith's eyes? And why did it feel like Sans's very soul was getting heavier? Why was he so afraid of this human? There was no reason to, she was just a normal human, she wasn't even aggressive towards him!

“I...”, started Sans, unsure what to say but willing himself to form words, any words. “I think so?”

Lots of people changed after all. Asgore and Toriel, Alphys, Undyne. Even Papyrus changed. Heck, he could argue that Linda changed. Frisk changed. He himself had changed. Heck, even Flowey... Asriel... Azzy was as changed as a monster ever could change with his new soul.

Sans had a long time to come with terms with that. Really. He had to come to terms with Flowey being the lost prince and with Flowey changing and wanting to be different and becoming Azzy...

It still didn't really delete what he had done, soulless or not. It still didn't change that Sans was hurt, so so hurt. It didn't change that his friends were hurt, over and over, that the Underground was the playground for a being too powerful for a single being and unable to feel any remorse or empathy towards it's playthings.

It didn't change that Azzy was Flowey and Flowey was Asriel but also that they were each a different being with different mistakes.

It didn't change that Sans still had to go through hell, through therapy and through nightmares and tears and panic attacks. It didn't change that he was broken by resets and loads and being helpless to change anything on his own. It didn't change that some scars probably will never really truly heal.

“You think so?” asked Mrs. Smith again.

Still, things had changed, right? Azzy was making an effort. So Sans could too.

“I mean... people do change.” said Sans slowly, trying to keep the unease out of his voice. “We learn new stuff about others and ourselves each day... and that can be used to chance. How we act, what we say and do around other people, our opinions on certain topics... it all can change over time.”

“So you say knowledge is the base of change?”

“... in a way? I guess?”

Was it knowledge? Did knowledge change Flowey to Azzy? Sans was not that sure about it... Flowey had told him that he did most of the things he did simply because he wanted to know what would happen.

He was bored and soulless and way way to powerful. What did made him change?

Frisk.

Kindness and mercy and a different view on things and an offer to help and a whole mountain of determination in a small human being that somehow had the power to make people listen to them, really really listen to them.

Sans fell in love with the human, loved them like his own child. Maybe it was a similar kind of love that made Flowey want to finally change.

Or maybe he really just... got the knowledge about how far gone he truly was and finally got the knowledge that instead of wallowing in it, he could indeed change.

That there was even the option of change.

“... interesting.” Said Mr. Smith before Sans could voice his thoughts and somehow, it seemed like it was supposed to be the final say in that matter.

There was a silence stretching between the two of them and Sans tried not to shiver. He didn't like the way she said this word. Luckily for him she seemed satisfied with him because she started to pack up her clipboard and pen and got her purse before standing up.

“I thank you for your time. This was a very... enlightening interview.” Mrs. Smith said and Sans blinked a bit at the sudden change of mood as she left the room.

“Uh... thanks... bye...?” he said weakly, long after she was gone.

What the heck just happened?

Sans was still a bit shaken when he came home. Toriel would pick up Frisk from soccer practice today and Papyrus was helping Undyne with the training still, so the house was silent when Sans let himself fall on the couch, face down into a pillow.

This was just all... weird. Especially his own reaction to Mrs. Smith.

It didn't made sense. Sans was sure he had never seen this human before. Why did he had such an reaction to them?

Why do they even seem so strange to him?

Questions he just couldn't answer. They seemed normal. The questions were a bit odd but nothing to bad.

The phone appeared almost on its own in his hand. A number was called quickly and only after the second ring did Sans really think about what to even say.

“... Sans...?”

“Hey Grills.”

“... are you alright?”

Classic Grillby, always right to the point. Sans took a deep breath.

“Yeah I am fine... just uh... wanted to talk.”

“You usually text, Sans.”

Damnit.

“Hehe... yeah...”

“So?”

“... do you think people can change?”

There was silence on the phone for a while, only the soft crackle of Grillby's flames could be heard.

“Philosophy?”

“Na, just... a conversation I had today.”

“... I see...” There was again a stretch of silence before Grillby spoke again. “I believe in change. Not completely however. I believe the very core of a person can't be changed.... but they can change their outlook, their believes, their approach to life and their behavior. I do believe a person that acted bad can do good and I believe a good person can change to somebody doing bad things. I believe every being has potential to be good or bad or anything in between and the potential to change... but also that not every person wants this change. And that some very fundamental things of ones being can't be changed, no matter what.”

“... that is a very... uh.. two sided theory, Grills.” Mumbled Sans. “But... what if there was something changed? Like... a soul?”

“... ah. You are thinking of Azzy and Flowey...”

“... and Asriel. I mean, I never knew him before Flowey. But... there are texts everywhere about him and Toriel sometimes talks about him and he sounds like the sweetest child... and then there is Flowey who was just... completely devoid of any morals. And now Azzy. It's just hard to wrap my heard around it. Has he really changed? Or was there always Flowey in Asriel and Azzy in Flowey?”

Grillby again was silent for a bit and Sans noticed that his breathing had speed up and willed himself to calmness.

“Asriel was a sweet soul.” Grillby said slowly. “Flowey had no soul. Asriel's soul shattered when he was wounded by humans and brought back his sibling to the Underground. And Azzy... Azzy is a new soul giving live by the King's love and magic. I don't think it's true change because it's not the person who changed but... a new person was created. First Asriel died and Flowey was born from his memories. And then Flowey gave up himself to give his memories to a newborn soul which became Azzy. I am not saying that they are completely separate people but... Asriel died and what was left became Flowey and Flowey gained a new soul which made him into something new again. Asriel and Flowey don't exist anymore.”

“... what about what Flowey did?” Asked Sans quietly. “Should I... get over myself? Should I just be okay with it? With him?”

“... no.” said Grillby. “... you were still hurt. And the one who did it was Flowey and Azzy has Floweys memories and all the concequences that come from that. He is not to be punished for his deeds but... you don't have to forgive and you don't have to forget, Sans. You were hurt, you are allowed to be upset.”

“I just feel bad no matter what.” mumbled Sans. “I mean... he is basically a child... He IS a child...”

“He still has memories reaching longer than your own, maybe longer than mine considering he lived through loop after loop after loop.” said Grillby. “But I agree, his mental age was stuck and stagnant in the stage of a child. And now he isn't anymore. He has to accept responsibility and consequences of action just like you and me. Including your unease around him.”

“... thanks Grillby.” said Sans quietly, not knowing what to say anymore.

“... Sans, do you want me to come over?”

“No... no, Tori and the kid will be home soon... but thanks.. I might uh... come over one of these days again.”

“Alright.” Grillby said gently. “Don't hesitate to call me any time again. There are many people that care about you. Myself included. And I am willing to help whenever you let me.”

“I know.”

“Have a nice evening, my friend...”

“You too... uh... and say hi to the others from me.”

“I will.” chuckled Grillby, some mumbling in the background indicating that he was no longer alone.

Sans was thinking about Grillby's words still when his family returned. He smiled and greeted them, ate dinner with them, helped Frisk with their homework, made puns and played around with Papyrus. And later, when it was just him and Toriel she took him in her arms and he cuddled into her soft fur and let himself relax.

There were still problems to be solved, things for him to understand. There was still the pressure of the knowledge that things are continuing.

Things keep changing. Some of them good, some of them bad.

But for the moment, Sans decided to care about all of that in the morning. There are people out there who care about him, his family and friends.

His soul was filled with love.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the void there was something and the something became somebody.

I am.

I need to go home.

A lost soul was formed and wanted to be found. The void was not the void if there was something or somebody. So the void stopped being the void around the person.

And a person, a lost soul found, fell back into the world, back into existence and time and space. There was a gasp and a small groan and maybe a muffled curse as they fell face-first into mud.

The void was the void again, the lost soul back where it belonged.

Wingding Gaster sat up from where he landed and looked around, rubbing his skull, his soul pulsing with a steady hum of life.

Time to go home.

#Undertale #PTA Sans #Sans #Toriel #Soriel #Grillby #Papyrus #Frisk #PTA Sans AU #PTA AU #fanfic #Gaster

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lizzylunawizardessfanfics · 5 years ago

Text

After All This Time

Pairing: Vain X Lizzy X Clive

Warning: There’s spoilers for Clive’s route, mainly chapter 7 spoilers

Trigger Warning: Ex-boyfriend aggression

Summary: Meeting up with the Nidhogg to deliver the goods Lizzy made as part of her deal with the Nidhogg, what was the start of a peaceful night and slow bonding; turned to a night of shock and betrayal.

Night time had fallen upon us as Clive and myself were settling in the usual empty classroom to meet with the Nidhogg. “So, what did you bring,” the beast asked just floating there, I smiled cheerfully while taking the plate with all the brownies on it. “Caramel nut brownies,” I answered already seeing the little glimmer of excitement in the Nidhogg’s eyes, but he tried to play it off as if he wasn’t interested. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try one,” he said before taking one and start to chew the baked good already looking like he was enjoying it. “It’s pretty delicious,” the Nidhogg commented after finishing swallowing and hearing that he liked it made me happy.

“Well of course it is! The two of us made them together,” I said referring to Clive and myself which seemed to surprise the creature. Looking between the two of us I wasn’t sure if I was just seeing things, but it almost looked like for a brief moment the Nidhogg looked sad. Clive took some of the brownies off of the plate and then gave me some while he kept some for himself. The three of us ate as though it was fairly quiet, it was peaceful until the Nidhogg suddenly asked, “Why did you want us all to eat together?” I watched as Clive shrugged his shoulders a bit before replying, “I guess I just thought it would be better than eating alone.” He seemed to be quiet, as if letting the statement sink in before saying, “Heh, that isn’t like you… But I guess this isn’t so bad.”

“Sooo… Did I pass,” I asked curiously as I was a bit worried about what the creature would say until I felt a hand suddenly take mine and give it a small squeeze. Glancing over slightly it was Clive as he had a small smile that didn’t feel fake which helped me feel more at ease. “I’m satisfied so you’re safe... For now,” the Nidhogg answered as it took me by surprise, but I was happy regardless. Letting go of Clive’s hand I went to the magical creature and hugged him close. “Thank you,” I cheerfully said while nuzzling into him slightly. “W-What are you doing?! G-Get off of me you-you rude human,” I heard him shouting in my ear thus I quickly released him stepping back. “S-Sorry, I was just… Really happy to hear that you enjoyed them,” I said softly rubbing my arm in embarrassment though looking at the Nidhogg’s face he was blushing, hehe how cute!

“So this is where you’ve been, what are you even doing,” the sudden sound of a different person’s voice startled me, but the sound of the all too familiar voice caused my heart to skip a beat. Quickly turning to the direction in which the voice came from my eyes widened in shock; it was Vain who appeared out of the shadows. “V-Vain?! What are you doing here,” I asked a bit after I managed to overcome my shock since it’s definitely been a while since I last saw my boyfriend… Well that’s if he still considered me to be his girlfriend. For a moment Vain gave me that familiar gentle smile before saying, “It’s been sometime since I’ve last seen you my little vixen.” Looking away slightly as hearing that nickname he always used always got me flustered, but I felt more confused as to why he was even here to begin with. “What are you doing here?! You’re going against our contract,” the Nidhogg shouted angrily, I looked over to Clive which he seemed to have had the same reaction when I looked into his beautiful deep blue eyes.

Looking back to the two, Vain and the Nidhogg argued back and forth as I was shocked when Vain looked towards me with a harsh glance before focusing his glare back onto the magical beast. “Is she the reason behind your dawdling,” he shouted as it made my chest ache by how he referred to me. “I have my own way of doing things, I’d rather die than ask for your help,” the Nidhogg huffed out.

“Nidhogg what is going on,” Clive asked confused as I looked over to Vain who seemed to chuckle. After explaining the truth behind the seal being weakened and how the person I fell for was behind all of it. “How could you do this! Vain you can’t be serious,” I shouted wanting him to explain himself. He seemed to completely ignore me as Vain continued to stare at the Nidhogg. “Well you better break your seal soon or you know what will happen,” he said before striding over to me causing me to take a step back. “Now, now my little vixen don’t give me that look,” he said picking up a lock of my hair twirling it around his gloved finger. “We’ll see each other soon,” he leaned closer to me whispering; any other time my heart would go a flutter, but it ached with this almost twisting pain. Feeling him kiss my cheek briefly, he was gone like that, I could only start to question where I stood in all of this; was everything we’ve been through an act, was everything he’s ever said to me true or… Was it all a lie.

~~~~ Time Skip (Clive’s POV) ~~~~

It was another quiet night as I found myself walking the halls of the day class building alongside the Nidhogg. As usual there was only silence between us until I finally spoke up “So when were you going to tell me all of this… That it actually wasn’t me who was behind your seal weakening.” He floated before me, rolling his eyes in an annoyed manner. “I didn’t think it was all that important, and besides you’ve been oh so helpful that I figured I’d save you the drama,” he answered as if it was that simple as I could only let out a small huff as I suppose it doesn’t matter since I know now, which I’m glad all of this wasn’t because of me.

“You know what I still can’t believe,” Nidhogg said while we continued our stroll which I looked over to him. “How that-that woman could of even been involved with such a horrible human like that,” he ranted starting to look angry which it only made me remember the sad look in her eyes almost like if she was ready to cry, but she didn’t. Instead she just smiled and comforted me, cheered me up after learning the truth that night. I didn’t like the look of that Vain guy, but knowing that he was someone very close to Lizzy only made me loath the man even more. “I wouldn’t blame her for not knowing… Besides I thought you didn’t care for her,” I simply said before seeing his face turn red with embarrassment and then start to look angry. “I don’t! But if I had to pick between getting along with that unpleasant human or the woman; I’d picked her over him any day,” Nidhogg said in a huff, finding it funny I could only laugh a little.

I came to a slow stop when I was suddenly hearing… Talking from somewhere up ahead. There weren’t many people I’d think would be out unless it’s the prefects or maybe it’s some students trying to hunt down the Nidhogg. Curiosity got the best of me so I slowly walked to where the voices became a bit more clear until I stopped in front of a door that was just ajar open. My eyes widened when I heard Lizzy’s voice, feeling my heart oddly skip a beat as who was she talking to. “Vain, let me ask you something,” I heard when I got closer to the door. “What’s that unpleasant human doing here?” I heard the Nidhogg growl clearly not happy the long pinkish haired man was behind this door just hearing the name of the pinkish haired man. “Shhh,” I whispered to him to keep quiet so our cover didn’t get blown; putting my ear closer to the door I heard the familiar male voice reply, “What is it.” I didn’t know why, but I was getting this feeling of worry.

“Did you even love me?”

“Vixen why would you even-”

“ANSWER ME! AND DON’T LIE TO ME!” Her loud voice caused me to jump back a bit, that was the first time I’ve ever heard her sound so angry, yet in so much pain.

“Of course I loved you, I loved how I had you wrapped around my finger so easily,” he finally answered as that familiar feeling of anger boiled up inside me. The room seemed to fall silent, I couldn’t hear anything before I heard Lizzy start to talk again.

“H-Heh… I-I shouldn’t be surprised, but still hearing you confirm it hurts… But I think I always knew deep down; the more time you spent away, never writing to me, not even getting visits from Mischa… All of those actions spoke loud and clear… That our relationship was long over.” But she didn’t stop there, “I hate myself for being such an idiot falling for you; for even loving you! Y-You did nothing but lie to my face, plotting to destroy everything I love and the people I care about… I’m done... I’m over us!”

“You really think you can just walk out of this, like I’d let you just leave me after all this,”

“Let go of me.”

“It doesn’t matter what you believe, if it’s real love or not; at the end of the day YOU belong to ME!” Which shortly following the yelling was a loud slam sound.

Not wasting another second I flung the door open and rushed in when suddenly hearing, “Nerco appar- Mmmfh!” Looking around the room when I looked to the left of the room my eyes widened at the sight of Vain pinning a struggling Lizzy to the wall both hands above her head and her mouth covered with his other gloved hand though it didn’t seem like either of them heard me come in as the sight only made me feel more enraged. “Did you really think I’d let you get the chance to summon one of your disgusting beasts? Now why don’t you just be a good little fox and do as you’re-” “LET HER GO,” I shouted in anger cutting off whatever that man was saying.

Both of their attention looked towards me while I tried to regulate my breathing. “And if I don’t,” Vain asked rolling his visible eye I could already tell this guy was tough, but I knew I couldn’t just stand by and let him hurt her! “You unpleasant and rude human! If you don’t release that woman right now I’ll bite you,” Nidhogg growled as though it was a surprise, I was glad to see that he had cared enough to protect Lizzy as well. Vain just seemed to laugh at us before saying, “How pathetic, thinking you two could even think that you’d be able to stop me. You should just run along little boy, you have no business here; she’s mine.”

Balling my hands into fists I glared taking a step forward, if I used a spell I might end up hurting her. “Ow,” Vain surprisingly suddenly flinched, it seemed Lizzy managed to kick him in the leg as there was a surge of magic that blasted the man back. “Haha! Try that on for size,” Nidhogg boasted with a big grin on his face. “Lizzy,” I called out to her as she was already running over, a feeling of relief washed over me to see she wasn’t hurt. My body reacted on its own wrapping my arms around her, hugging her close. “Are you okay, he didn’t hurt you right,” I asked while pulling away from her to give her a look over for any injuries though she shook her head in a no manner. “I-I’m fine, I’m surprised you two found me… But nonetheless I’m happy, thanks for saving me,” she replied, giving a smile though I could easily see the dried tear stains on her face from how the night lighting made her face glow.

“You’ve gotten on my last nerve,” I heard Vain’s voice, instantly by instinct I pushed her behind me to protect her. Taking out my wand I glared back at Vain as he was slowly approaching with a dark look in his eye. “Clive you can’t fight him! He’ll hurt you,” she said feeling her careful tug on my right arm. “Please let’s just get out of here,” she pleaded sounding worried. “You’re far out of your league, thinking you can actually take me; when in reality you’re weak,” the man said walking closer though he started to move his bangs out of his face to reveal his second eye to be a different color. When I tried to raise my arm to cast a spell only to feel my arm was heavy, frozen like, in fact I couldn’t move at all. “Vain that’s enough! I’m not going to let you hurt Clive,” I heard Lizzy shout as a view of pastel blue hair came into view.

“Then you leave me no choice but to- hey! Grr get off of me,” he was talking until the Nidhogg went flying at Vain and biting his arm thus feeling myself being able to move again. Taking it moment I grabbed Lizzy’s hand and pulled her along with me, running out of the room. “Where are we going,” she asked as she seemed to keep up with me as a place didn’t come in mind, all I was thinking about was getting her to a safer location. After running for a while, we finally ended up in the courtyard hunching over catching our breaths. “I-I hope the Nidhogg is okay,” I heard Lizzy say as leave it to her to worry about others rather than herself, especially in times of danger. “He’ll be fine,” I responded. I haven’t sorted all of these feelings, but I know that I don’t want her to get hurt; I could care less about what happens to anyone else, but she was the only one I needed to keep safe and close to me.

“Hey Clive,” I didn’t know when she got so close but when I looked to the side of me she was standing in front of me; did she always look this beautiful under the moonlight. “Yeah,” I gave a short reply to show I was listening, though the next thing that happened left me shocked causing my eyes to widen. I saw her leaning in close and felt her kiss my cheek only making my heart race. I couldn’t find the words to say at the moment as I heard her say, “Thank you… For saving me.” Blinking a couple of times I overcame my initial shock now being able to focus again as her face was pink. “I-I know you did it just because, but I’m still-” I listened to her talk until I just suddenly cut her off saying “I love you.”

Seeing her shocked expression was very much worth it while her face only grew darker. Slightly looking away I felt my own face starting to get warm. “I...I know you must be hurting from your last relationship, and that you probably won’t believe me… But I have nothing to gain lying to you,” I said as I was able to come to terms with my feelings. “You’re so amazing and you’re the first person to see the real me… And accept me for who I was, and help me and in this world the only good thing that’s come out of it has been meeting you.” I stood in front of her as her baby blue eyes were back to normal.

Taking her hands into my own I took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes. “I want to be the one to help you heal; like you’ve helped be my guiding light… So, will you give me a chance? Please,” I asked, giving her hands a gentle squeeze, getting to see her expression soften had to be a good sign right. She gave a smile that always managed to make my chest feel warm though she didn’t say anything right away. “I-I will cuz i want to be by your side… Because you’re very special to me,” she confirmed which I’ve never felt this much joy in a long time and honestly, it felt really good. Moving my hands from her’s to cupping her face as it seems to fit perfectly in my hands. “Thank you, I promise to make you happy,” I said softly as I didn’t know how long I’ve actually longed for this very moment, but I leaned down and kissed her. I may not have been her first lover, but I will be her last. “Now this is a relationship I could support!” I suddenly heard a familiar voice shouted out of nowhere causing the two of us to pull away. To see it was the Nidhogg just floating there with a sly grin on its face. “Nidhogg,” the two of us shouted at him out of embarrassment.

#wizardess heart #wizardess heart fanfics #wh oc #clive route spoiler #spoiler #vain #clive lagrene #lizzy luna #nidhogg #warnings and trigger warning

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lumilasi · 5 years ago

Photo

UPDATE: Bio revamp. Also I should probs draw him an outfit he wears when he goes into more “darker” route, I.E ends up being a “Villain” Jackrabbit.

Maybe there is a Vigilante bio sheet thing somewhere, I was too lazy to search for it hence I’m using the villain template and just editing it where necessary...

The character in the photo on the upper left is @glitchedskull‘s Naosu btw, who’s Saname’s BF

Rest of the bio below;

Age: around 13-14 when he first meets Ryuu and Kain.

Sexuality: pan

SANAME’S QUIRK EXPLAINED (Pros in normal, cons in bold)

Quirk name: Acid-palm

He can burn and melt anything he touches at will with ease as if his hands were coated in acid. Saname can also control how slow or fast things corrode, and even what direction the corrosion heads very precisely.

He doesn’t have to keep touching the object to corrode it; after touching the effect will continue as he pre-planned it. He can also change the effect’s speed and direction after removing his hand as long as he has visual to it.

He can do anything from creating a tiny hole to melting away large walls fairly quickly.

Ironically, Saname is mostly immune to other acidic quirks and substances, just not his own.

If not careful, Saname can end up burning himself as sometimes a highly agitated state can cause his quirk to activate accidentally, and he’s not immune to his own touch. (hence the scars on his neck and over his eye)

Blocking his line of sight from what he’s touched makes him unable to change the way the corrosion happens if needed.

The effect of his acidic touch tends to weaken and move slower in colder weathers

FEW MORE FACTS

- Wasabi is good with melee-weapons like a staff or a pipe, and usually carries around one.

- He loves rabbits more than anything because his only toy as a child was a bunny plushie, one he still carries around and has a strong attachment to

- Ryuu is his favorite and he likes to stalk him around a lot each time Ryuu is around, this has led to problems too where he ends up in danger and the two have to save him. He finds Ryuu’s weird chilly crystal powers cool. (pun not intended)

- he has a slight phobia about collapsing buildings and fires due to what he went through as a child, having a flame hero - while fighting a villain - destroy his original home of sorts.

- Saname’s visible eye (the one with the palmprint scar) is discolored and lighter due to the injury he caused accidentally with his quirk when it first activated; he can still see with it thankfully, but it tends to get irritated easier than the other one. His “normal” eye is pure black and yellow. (I seem to have habit of drawing him in a way where you almost never see his uninjured eye heh.....)

- Saname as an adult mostly minds his own business, but due to the influence from his mothers and Ryuu and Kain) he tends to just act without thinking and doing what he thinks is right, even if its illegal. He never actively chose to be a vigilante like his other mum, its just kind of how he ended up due to his nature.

- His knee-pads in his Vigilante outfit are his lion mama Kei’s old ones from her outfit. His utility belt is also similar to her old one, just dark grey instead of brown.

PERSONALITY

As a child, Wasabi was very curious and easily excitable, getting in trouble a lot as a result. He had difficulty controlling his emotions due to his early childhood however, and was often aggressive, where he could snap from friendly to will-whack-you-with-a-stick in less than a second.

As a young adult, he’s much more chill and well-mannered, but still has bit of a childish goofiness to him which can lead to silly situations and generally makes people think he’s the “class-clown” or “airhead” type. He’s also learned to be more mindful of people’s boundaries, when as a kid he tended to easily get into people’s faces so to say, making things awkward and uncomfortable.

He can still get viciously mad in certain situations, but he no longer throws an uncontrollable fit; rather, he channels his anger in doing what he wants to do. During these times people can actually find this normally relaxed and happy-go-lucky (and a bit oblivious) chill dude really scary.

He can be distracted pretty easily, except when he’s in a fight; thanks to training from both his mum Kei, and an unconventional family friend of sorts Ryuu Katagiri, Saname tends to be laser focused during those, which makes him a dangerous opponent. He tends to shut out everything else then and focus on defeating whoever he is fighting.

BG STORY SUMMARY

Saname grew up in an orphanage initially on a more poor area of the city; he can’t really remember anything about his original parents, perhaps due to trauma of some sort; given his aversion to fire people suspect he might’ve been in a fire that killed his parents.

He was often bullied by other children and called weird because of his eyes, (he was the only one in that orphanage with “atypical” human eyes) difficult, easily triggered temper, and quirk that he struggled to control as a kid. (resulting in the scarring he has)

The orphanage gave him his name “Saname Wasabi,” because of his green hair and quirk. (and temper)

Then, the orphanage got destroyed accidentally in a fight in-between a hero (Endeavor) and a villain, with some of the staff and kids actually getting hurt in the process. Saname ended up running away amidst the chaos, frightened by the battle as the flames triggered his past unknown trauma.

Wandering around the city lost and scared, he eventually ran into a young woman named Rankure Hanekijo, who due to personal reasons decides to take the boy under her wing. Unfortunately, she had some bad people after her, forcing the two to flee outside the city, eventually ending up in a rural town where a local coffee-shop owner Kei Reidou - who turned out to have once been a vigilante - takes them in out of pity.

He ends up being unofficially adopted by the two women, who home-school him and he was even taught how to fight and better handle his quirk by Reidou. (This later led him to becoming a vigilante)

Later on, Wasabi meets an old acquaintance of his new mum, a young man named Kain, who has supposedly become a villain and is friends with a known one. Because the pair helps preventing his mothers from getting arrested by some government agents by distracting them and basically making them think the lead about a woman named Akiko Hinoteki (Kei’s original name and identity) was a false alarm, Wasabi deems the pair okay. He ends up developing a big brother - little brother like relationship with Ryuu, who grows fond of the boy despite initial grouchiness, even teaching him some fight moves.

While doing his vigilante things, probably due to Kain and Ryuu’s influence, Saname ended up occasionally going further than what probably would be necessary, in some cases full blown killing the criminal if he deemed them bad enough, or just beating people up worse than needed. This ended up creating a rumor of an evil doppleganger for his vigilante persona, perhaps especially because occasionally when he did this, he wasn’t wearing his vigilante garments.

Ref sheet base (C) Yourultraarchive

Character (C) Me

#my bnha oc #wasabi saname #saname wasabi #character bio #bio update #my hero academy oc #bnha villain oc #boku no hero oc #Lumi's art scribbles #Lumi's chaotic creations

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 6 years ago

Text

Jealousy Rant

Hello you Rotten Folks,

Due to real life stuff I have been posting less frequently but in particular that long-form stuff. So have this big olde rant on jealousy in BL I may or may not edit more, and may or may not make into audio.

Triggers: for discussion on abusive behavior including physical violence, stalking, controlling behavior, and sexual assault.

Why jealousy is a bad trope:

1.) It’s toxic

2.) It’s non-conflict

3.) It doesn’t actually deal with the roots of jealousy

Are you a fan of Fap’s furious fujoshi fumes, but want a meta-analysis of the genre as a whole instead of specific titles?

Oh no it seems literally no one is asking for that…no one except Faps and FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT HAHA!

So that brings me to “Trouble with Tropes” or heh heh TROUPLES!

Anybody who’s ANY fan of romance has had to stare into the unrelenting green eyes of this trouple. I speak of no other than Jealousy. While I think some of what I’m going to say will resonate with how jealousy is used in fiction on a whole, I’m going to focus on how it’s used in BL…which I feel is a very potent and distilled version of it. Also heaven forbid I read about anything beyond nasty gay tonguings.

What better place to start than What IS jealousy?

Jealousy can cover a variety of topics but in the case of romance here I will be talking specifically about romantic and sexual jealousy.

Dictionary.com states that - feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.

Seems to be the one best suited for a romance but I’d argue that the definition that suits BL’s brand of jealousy is more like

fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

Why do I say this?

Well because sometimes they literally say their partner is a possession. And even if not outright stated, it is heavily implied in the script.

(examples: Cute Devil + lamb project + Radical blood monster + Others)

There’s also the fact that very rarely is infidelity even considered a legitimate thing that would occur. As I said, the jealousy in BL is very, very POTENT and therefore has escalated beyond a suspicion of COULD BE UNFAITHFUL to a PERSON IS MY PROPERTY AND MY PROPERTY IS NOT ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS!

Getting real

Before I start ripping through this topic like a repressed teenage boy rips through a heavily populated street in Grand theft Auto… allow me to say that jealousy is a valid emotion to experience. When I rip on this trope it is not my intention to invalidate people who do struggle with jealousy in their relationships. However if you experience an emotion it doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave in any way you please. It’s the same as regular old anger. It’s normal to be angry if a partner forgets to let the dog out so the dog pees on the rug. However beating the shit out of that partner is NOT the right way to handle the forgetfulness or your own anger. Same with jealousy, it’s not unusual to get jealous of someone close to their partner. However that person responding to that with physically removing them, and screaming threats at them is SUPER NOT OKAY! Yet that is not uncommon in BL.

One must also maintain an acceptable amount of jealousy in order to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s not wrong to feel really angry or sad when you’re jealous…but if you get these feelings ALL THE TIME and due to things that are not a threat to your relationship, then that’s something to manage rather than something to blame on your partner. Capice?

TOXIC

The main problem is that the jealousy that is common in BL is HELLA TOXIC! Jealousy is regularly tied to deeper issues of personal insecurity yet the fact there is any kind of insecurity is very rarely mentioned in the text or even subtext of the story. Instead of this becoming a problem that one has to deal with on a personal level, it becomes a problem of the other having to obtain unrealistic standards. Sometimes the source of the jealousy is not a feasible such as a TODDLER NEPHEW or the fact that strangers GLANCE AT THEM when in public and sometimes the source of the jealousy isn’t even human. I have seen characters throw jealousy tantrums over pets, work (school or career orientated), and even the vague concept of a SPORT! So if you’re trying to avoid jealousy in a BL make sure you don’t go to school, don’t have a job, don’t own pets, don’t have family, don’t go out in public, and DEAR GOD don’t have hobbies either! Woah faps those things aren’t humans so it’s not like romantic or sexual jealousy. That’s a fair point…but the thing is the romantic/sexual jealousy functions the exact same way in those non-sexual/romantic scenarios. HOW COULD THAT BE???? Well the jealousy that we see here is in part about being left out when a partner does other things but is in large part about dominance. You got no other man to posture against? Well then just posture at a child, a puppy, or at a basketball why not?

Not only does jealousy crop up to unreasonable situations, an unreasonable amount of time (I’d estimate it occurs in 80% of BL mangas) but the way it’s handled is usually problematic as well.

The most common response I’ve seen to jealousy is the seme grabbing the uke by the wrist, dragging him away from the source of jealousy, pinning him to a wall, explaining that the source of jealousy is bad for the uke or that the uke is behaving poorly/stupidly by simply interacting with the source of jealousy, and they a fit of forceful jealousy induced make-outs or sex occurs that range from consensual to downright very non-consensual. Sometimes the uke will protest this treatment or the characterization of the jealousy fodder but this is pointless because it doesn’t become a conversation. It is simply about the seme controlling the uke and asserting his dominance.

Stalking is also extremely common if there is suspected jealousy. Troubling jealousy behavior can range from as tame as going through someone’s phone without permission to drugging, kidnapping, and nearly killing a partner for one of these trespasses.

HEY HEY HEY NOW! You man-hater! Ukes can be super creepy jealous too! …but ukes are men too… THAT’S NOT THE POINT! You’re acting as if only dominant partners experience jealousy!

No, no, no, you’re right. Ukes get jealous too and sometimes to the same batty degree. Yet, as a whole, uke jealousy tends to be less common and less destructive than jealousy of the seme variety. The most common situation where an uke gets jealous of what a seme is doing is, the uke is pushed into a corner to admit he’s jealous. The seme will reassure the uke he’s misunderstood and they make up. On one hand you can argue that this is a much healthier way to settle a jealousy problem. On another hand you may view this as something of a double standard.

If the uke’s jealous…it’s the uke’s fault and it’s nothing to worry about. If the seme’s jealous...it’s the uke’s fault and it’s deadly serious.

This double standard even extends into how we view violent reactions for either side. If a seme hits an uke for a trespass it will usually be framed as serious and scary. If the uke hits the seme for a trespass it will usually be framed as a silly, and harmless outburst of tsundereness.

…Yes that’s right, the patriarchal set up of the seme/uke dynamic doesn’t just take a shit on ukes….though 9 times out of 10 it’s the ukes that do get the short end of the stick here.

Okay but let’s get the root of the problem…why is jealousy used?

If you’re a person who is not a bitter feminist killjoy who says aggravating SJW shit like, “TOXIC MONOGOMY CULTURE OPRRESSES MY GENDER NEUTRAL GENITLES” you may argue that jealousy is romantic. I personally don’t think it is, but you’re fully allowed to view jealousy, as a concept, as a touching display of vulnerability and investment in a relationship.

However if you’re a cynical over-thinking fujoshi brimming with resentment to the genre you’ve mistakeningly dedicated your free time to, you may say the frequent use of jealousy is simply because it’s EASY WRITING!

It’s handy throw-away drama you can use in an established relationship that won’t have deeper ramifications for the relationship even if it’s on-going. You can solve this pretty easily at any given point or decide to reintroduce it despite it previously being wrapped up. You can use this almost TOTALLY regardless of either of the characters’ personalities or back stories. It’s good for a quick antagonist, or to tantalize fans with a different flavor of sexual tension. This is usually dependent on the gender of the jealousy fodder.

Ugh I’ve heard you use the term ~jealousy fodder~ like a billion times. Why do you call it that?

Because these characters rarely have anything going for them besides the fact they’re the conflict du-jour. You’d be hard pressed to learn an interest of the fodder’s outside of “TRYING TO BANG PROTAG!” and they rarely do anything else in the story besides create this shallow drama. Sometimes the jealousy drama is totally auxiliary to the main conflict of the story to boot. If you’re lucky and ONLY if you’re lucky the fodder will be shuffled into another couple. Sometimes you won’t even see this jealousy used in a love triangle way. It’s usually pretty obvious from the beginning that the protag is going to choose even if the other option is an objectively better person and choice for them.

In my years of reading BL I have only encountered 2 instances of a character being jealous and the other character ACTUALLY cheats on him. (Zetsuai Bronze and Totally Captivated.) Now people have different standards of what “cheating” is. Some goes so far as to say that “Thinking about cheating” is CHEATING. Even by that (pretty ridged standard) I would still say only the above.

Despite this low, low number, I see jealousy used in manga 80% of the time. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here? A breach of actual trust is not actually going to happen…99.99% of the time. Oh but what if the jealousy is something a character has to work through to feel less anxious? Excellent idea! I’ve seen that approach FUCKING ONCE! (Café Latte Rhapsody) So if there is no actual threat of trust breaching and it’s not something either of them has to work through on a mental or emotional level….WHAT KIND OF CONFLICT IS THAT?

NON-FUCKING-CONFLICT IS WHAT!

I’d be much more entertained by staring into my own fucking bellybutton….but faps obviously you would since you navel-gaze as if you have a gemstone there. IF I BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH I’LL BECOME I CRYSTAL GEM OKAY!?!?!?!?

Eh-hem!

But you will see jealousy commonly used in one instance of actually plot important drama. And that is the ever, important, cementing of a couple’s relationship. I call the use of jealousy in this instance:

TOY TRUCK CONSUMATION

Da fuck is that? Toy truck consummation is a character will only realize he truly cares romantically for someone because he experiences jealousy. He didn’t want that toy truck until somebody else was going to play with it. Thankfully I don’t see this often outside of high school settings. A grown-ass man who is that fucking blind to his own feelings and childish enough to throw a tantrum out of it, can fuck RIGHT OFF! ….Though honestly teenagers behaving that way is still deeply shitty.

This is not an auspicious beginning to a loving relationship, if it’s formulated over single-mindedly hating a 3rd party, a 3rd party that is typically on good-terms with the target of affection. So, a relationship we’re supposed to root for is predicated on a dude swooping in and ripping a valued person away from them for entirely selfish reasons. I wouldn’t consider it dreamy if a seme threw an uke’s beloved play station 4 out the window because it holds the ukes attention sometimes. I consider it even less dreamy when it’s something even more valued like yanno a friend. (Though of course this can happen from the uke to the seme as well.) While sometimes, this individual is romantically interested in one of our leads…I’d say a good half the time if not more…they’re not at all.

“Why are you losing your mind over someone, you’re not dating, hanging out with their friend? Even if the friend very obviously has 0 romantic or sexual interest in them? Is it because you’re an anal fungus that causes people to shit their pants for no reason? It’s probably because you’re a parasitic ass mushroom that makes people poop uncontrollably”

This, also, is pretty damn lazy. Writing someone coming to grips with a difficult emotion is hard in itself. Writers will usually use 3rd parties to help bounce information back to a struggling individual to help give them insight. And that can be used in this case as well! Interacting with another couple, talking to someone who’s an out LGBTQ person, or even just a friend or relative that can relate! However all of that is harder to pull off as melodramatically as a petty fuck-lord gut-punching a jealousy fodder out of the blue. Hoo boy sonny! We should have a parade in his honor cause golly isn’t that the way to handle your problems!

But what if the jealousy fodder was really after them?

Then I would say the story may feature the trope….

Irrational jealousy magiced into rational jealousy!

What I mean is that there is a dominant that appears to be irrationally jealous. There is no indication in the text the jealousy fodder is not on the up and up and the dominant is not privy to classified documents that make him secretly suspicious. However turns out the harmless friend, acquaintance, co-worker, boss, mail man etc is actually a heartless rapist just trying to lower the submissive’s guard.

This trope makes me foam at the mouth because not only is it cheap, cliché, and annoying but it justifies abusive behavior. It states that No matter what crazy shit that lunatic boyfriend of yours spouts he’s fucking infallible. If he tells you that the atmosphere has become poisonous to you and the only breathable air is in his testicles, you better clamp down on that cocktail wiener like a pit-bull because any damn self-serving nonsense he spews must be followed to the fucking letter. Why? Because he is a mind-reader, a genius, and a clairvoyant with flawless judgment by nature of being born a DOMINANT MAN! TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

May I just add this is not a trope specific to BL but a trope that makes me want to drink into a stupor each time I see it.

Well if you’re so fucking relationship savy, how would you handle jealousy in stories huh!?

…By actually tackling the causes of jealousy which are very rarely acknowledged in BL. As far as I can tell there are 3 major roots of jealousy.

1.) Insecurity – I am not a good enough partner so my significant other is going to drop me as soon as they find somebody better.

2.) Distrust – My partner does not respect our monogamous agreement and will sleep with other people if they can get away with it.

3.) Missing out - I feel left out if my partner is doing something without me.

I have seen all three roots play a role in fictional jealousy outbursts and they’re usually tied intimately together. However the 1st two are the keys here.

Mistrust is an interesting situation because 99% of the time the mistrust is not that the partner will sleep around given the chance. However the mistrust is shown as more of a, “I cannot trust my partner to avoid situations where they’ll be sexually assaulted.”

While this is framed as a jealousy issue at times, I don’t think it should. Why? If a character is sexually assaulted it is NOT the victims fault. But haha welcome to the 50 foot deep pit of backwards sexual politics that is BL. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Insecurity plays a large role in BL jealousy…but I have only seen it addressed directly as a failing of personal confidence once. (Café Latte Rhapsody)

Most of the time characters that are subtextualy highly insecure are portrayed as powerful and that their jealousy tantrums is just ~how strong men act~ rather than ~they obviously hate themselves and fear their partner would find someone better.~

I’ll be quite frank, a lot of the time…they’re correct the uke could do a lot better than the jerkass seme they’re saddled with. However, instead of changing their negative behavior for the better they just control the uke’s every movements which is yanno not doing the uke OR the seme any favors. Sometimes this functions realistically in a story like in Space Between where Riki is an unwilling sex slave and Iason keeps him under his thumb. However the majority of them treat this like a normal and healthy relationship…but

Wouldn’t it be better if one is not constantly wracked with fear over their partner leaving them?

Wouldn’t it be better if the other can have friends and leave the house?

I’m not saying the two can’t struggle with issues of jealousy…but I mean…can’t we treat jealousy like something they work on together instead of just,

“I can’t believe you talked to them! I DIDN’T MEAN TO!”

That sound clip? Just play it on loop

“WELP LET’S HAVE THIS SAME EXACT PISSING CONTEST FOR THE 90TH FUCKING TIME! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NEXT TIME BECAUSE WE’RE NOT GOING TO TREAT IT LIKE ADULTS WOULD!”

So the problem with jealousy as a trope in romance and BL fiction is thus:

1.) It’s toxic, doesn’t treat it as toxic, and sometimes justifies the toxicity.

2.) It’s pathetic, cliché, non-conflict

3.) It doesn’t really even understand what jealousy is.

#trouples #trouble with tropes #rant #my rant #jealousy

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