#internally i am a 13 year old girl screaming and crying about how this is a living nightmare | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goldenpinof · 5 years ago

Text

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape. I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there��s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem. Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

#basically i'm gay #daniel howell #danielhowell #dan and phil #amazingphil #phil lester #yes im tagging i dont care #if there's a flaw somewhere (like a missed part or sm) dm me so i could fix it #id go through it again anyway but just in case #oh and it's literally just dan's substitles so all credits to him or whoever did that #hmm i wonder if they hired someone. interesting #have fun #the script

2K notes · View notes

lyrazehedgieboiii · 4 years ago

Text

Pocky

HEY, HEDGIE SQUAD! SO, THIS IS A STORY I HAD ON MY WATTPAD, AND IT’S A BIT OLD, so it’s going to be a bit retarded, because that’s how I was a few years ago. Anyways, hope you like it! (THIS STORY BELONGS TO Lyrazehedgieboiii, A.K.A Lyra_ze_hedgie on Wattpad {don’t check it out})

So, dis story is gonna be different. Usually, it's a third person POV, but this is going to be character's point of view. SEGA owns the characters, I do not! And before I forget, let's bring the age list! Read this so you understand.

Amy: 13

Sonic: 16

Knuckles: 16

Silver: 16

Tails: 12

(Amy's POV)

I was just sitting on my couch, looking up ideas on how to catch my dear Sonic. These days, I've been kind of easy on the chasing, I mean, I wouldn't even look good running after Sonic like a lovesick fan girl. That's right! I'm actually starting to feel a little self-conscious these days, and I asked Rouge about it, and she said it was perfectly normal! I believe her, since she was the one who told me to lay off chasing him, he ain't worth it. Oh. But he is. Anyways, back to what I was doin'. I ran out of ideas on how to get Sonikku to fall for me. When in doubt, look it up on Google. I turned off my iPad, and decided to check the mail.

"Let's see... Fan mail, more fan mail, a stack of fan-mail, and a package..." It's awfully strange, because I never ordered anything. I looked at the receiver's address. It was addressed to me, and it has my name on it. I went back inside, and put my fan mail in my fan mail closet (in case I'm having a bad day, I read fan letters! :D) and walked to my kitchen, with the package. I opened it, and I couldn't believe it. It couldn't be. It was Pocky Sticks! Wait, but there's a catch. It's Chili-dog flavored?! I rummaged through the package, incase there was a letter. And there was! Thank chaos! I read it, surprised with what it said-

Dear Amy Rose

I'm Mia, the CEO of Pocky Sticks®️and I'm a huge fan of you! I love you, and Sonic, and I want you two to be together. So we made a limited edition, chili-dog flavored Pocky! All you have to do, is play the Pocky game with him. If you don't know how to play, I'll explain it to you-

Well, of course I know how to play! So I've seen people do it! Also, does this woman not know that I'm still innocent? I haven't even lost my first kiss yet! But, I do want to lose my first kiss to Sonic, so I'll play. I call Tails' since I know Sonic won't pick up.

Tails: Hey Amy! Do you need anything?

Amy: Hi, Tails! Actually, yes. Is Sonic at your place? Because if I call him, I know he won't pick up.

Tails: Oh he is. Hold on a second... (He yells out Sonic's name)

Muffled idiot's voice in Background: What?

Tails: Amy's asking if your here!

Muffled idiot's voice in Background: So? Do I have to answer her? Yeesh.

Amy: Tails, put the phone on speaker mode.

*Said Fox does what he was told*

Amy: hem hem. SONIC, YOU IDIOTIC PINEAPPLE, COME HERE AND ANSWER THE PHONE OR I WILL CONTINUE TO EAR RAPE YOU. AND IF YOU HANG UP, I'LL COME OVER AND EAR RAPE YOU. IF YOU RUN OFF, I WILL CALL YOU AN IDIOTIC HOE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Muffled idiot's voice in Background: Since when did she learn to cuss?!

Amy: Sonic, what I just said weren't cuss words. I can say cuss words, if you'd like. Now, if you want me to stop, come over to my house, I got something you might like. I got it in the mail.

That idiot!

Muffled hoe's voice in Background: ... fine...

Amy: Yay! I hung up, and went the door.

(Sonic's POV)

Frick. I have to go to Amy's house. I mean, I like her, as in I have a crush in her, but her plans to catch me can get deadly. I ran over to her house, and right on cue, she opened the door. She welcomed me in, and signaled me to go to the kitchen. So I did. She quickly took something off the kitchen island, and hid it behind her back. For a second I thought it might have been a s..e..x. toy, but Ames is way too young to play with one.

"So, I got this thing in the mail, and it said that you might like it. Oh, who am I kidding, of course you'll like it!" She giggled. Her giggles are making me feel something, something inside. Strange... Anyways, she pulls out what she hid. And it was... Pocky Sticks. What's so special about them? "I know what you're thinking. What so special about Pocky?" Frick, she read my mind! "But... They. Are. Chili Dog flavored!" My ears perked up. Did she say chili dog?!

"Ames, be a good girl, and give me the pocky.~" I said, making my voice soothing enough so she swoons over me.

"Nuh , uh, uh! You have to follow my rules, and play something with me."

"Alright."

"Have you heard of the Pocky game?"

"Not really..."

"I'll explain. I will have 1/6 of the Pocky stick in my mouth. We both have to bite as much of the Pocky stick as we can. And..-" Amy trailed off. I have a feeling she was gonna say something else.

"And?" I said. I was starting to get impatient.

"N-nothing. Nothing at all." Amy said nervously. She was blushing. She is so cute! Fuck, did I just say that?! "Let's begin, shall we?" Amy asked. She stuck the icing part out, and put it in her mouth. I chomped in the other side, and the closer I got to Amy's face, the more I bit into it, the more I felt my face heat up. I bit the stick one more time, and felt that our noses were touching. I thought for a minute, until an idea came.

I'll just kiss Amy, and by reflex, or something, she'll faint for a minute or two, and I'll win. I bit, and made our lips touch. My tongue demanded entrance, and she happily did so. I know it sounds disgusting, but the part of the pocky that was touching Amy's lips was visible, so I broke it, and I held on to Amy's body while smuggling a kiss. Her lips were very soft. Out of nowhere, her body felt limp. She looked like she was in so much pleasure, and was blushing like crazy. She was also sweating, oof. I didn't screw her, I just kissed her, DAMMIT. I ran to Tails' house since I lived there, and slowly tried to make my way upstairs, until...

"Ahem." Tails voice alarmed me. Knucklehead and Mr. Weed Plant were also here. Great. Just what I need. They all looked at what I was holding.

"Guys, I can explain this-"

"Sanic, you and Amy are too young to screw. I mean, you are an alright age, but Amy, she's 13 for crying out loud!" Silver said. Boi, whenever you're with Blaze, you always try and look assets that she barely has.

"Yeah, Sonic, at least wait a few years, we know you like Amy, but she can't become a mother."

"YOU IDIOTS. LISTEN TO MEEEEEE. Amy tried to make me kiss her, and-"

"You became horny and attempted to screw her."

"No. I kissed her a bit, and she fainted.

"Yeaaaahhh, I'm not buying that." Knuckles said. You idiot, you can't even tell the difference between left and right.

"Anyways, Imma go put her to bed."

"Sonic," Tails stopped me. "Are you telling the truth? And plus, I don't want you hooking up with her in here." Tails is 12, and he's had the birds and bees shit talk.

"Tails, I don't sleep with girls, or make love to them. Especially not to someone who is finally in her teen years. I'll wait until she's old enough." Fuhk. I said the last part out loud. "I mean, I-I w- NEVERMIND!!" I stormed off to my room, and carefully put rest Amy on to the bed. Her hands were in her pockets. I was pretty sure it wasn't like that when I picked her up. I put my hand in her pocket, and damn her hands felt warm. It was a paper, from the CEO of Pocky. So this is what this is all about. Amy's gonna be so screwed once she wakes up!

*internal screaming*

#sonamy #sonamy modern #oneshot #sonamy fanfiction #im sorry it was short #mr weed plant #sonic the hedgehog #amy rose #sonic #amy #lyra ze hedgie boiii #lmao this is so retarded

16 notes · View notes

cozykhaos · 4 years ago

Text

A New Sun Part 13

Saturday morning I woke up to my head throbbing, my vision blurred every time I moved. My stomach lurched if I moved too quickly and my mouth tasted and felt like I had licked the field from one end of the farm to the other. After brushing my teeth several times and many cups of coffee I started to feel normal again. I spent the rest of the day in the Community Center writing lists of what I need to find. I realized I would need help. What was a Fiddlehead Fern? Where would I find an Eel? I obviously needed animals on the farm. Did someone have 25,000G laying around? I sure didn’t. How the hell do you grow a pomegranate?

I laid back on the floor, the ground underneath me groaned with my weight and the carpet squished against my body. I dug my palms into my eyes, what had I gotten myself into? Asher put his head on my shoulder and sighed.

“You’re telling me,” I looked at him. He had spent the days chasing the Junimos, every time he was close enough to catch them they would disappear in a cloud of sparkles. My dog would stare at the spot in confusion, once they reappeared they would start the game over.

I frowned at the list, if I had checked the mail sooner I would already have two bundles done. At this point it would a year before I finished. I pinched the bridge of my nose and headed out. Tomorrow was the first day of Summer and I wasn’t prepared at all. I would have enough money to buy seeds but until my first harvest it would be tight. Sitting on the front porch of my house I looked across the fields, the sun was starting to melt behind trees, the crickets started to chirp.

I remembered coming here the first day of my Summer vacation. Grandpa would always buy corn seeds, telling me how they lasted all the way through Fall. The fields would be blossoming with life.

Blueberries, melons, sunflowers, peppers, radishes, tomatoes. It was a lot of work, but now I was starting to realize that grandpa didn’t make me do that much. He would always let me go off and hang out with the others. Letting me enjoy my Summer.

Eos Farm wouldn’t have half that life this Summer.

Next year. The little voice inside me said and I agreed with it. With that in mind I went inside and rested up for the next day.

I made sure to be waiting outside of Pierre’s when it opened. I had a long day ahead of me and I was ready to get to work. As soon as the door unlocked I pulled it open, Asher darted inside, Pierre looked at me, shock written across his face.

“Good morning Kit!” He said.

“Morning!” I shoved a to go cup of coffee at him.

“Oh, thank you,” he took the cup. Ash had found a bone on one of the lower shelves, he marched up to me, drool already all over the bone. I frowned. “Not like we can put it back now.”

I picked up the seeds I needed, remembering the bundles I pulled out my list. My frown deepen.

“Everything okay?” Pierre asked from behind the counter.

I looked at him from over the shelf and gave him a thumbs up. I needed tomatoes and hot peppers to complete the bundle, I hadn’t considered budgeting for them. I put back a couple of corn seed packets.

I went to the front and paid.

It will all be worth it. The voice encouraged as I walked back home, bag in hand. Ash paraded in front of me, bone in mouth. My footsteps came to a halt as I noticed a black pick up parked outside the farm gate. Ash was now at my heels as I ran the rest of the way.

“Hey there Sunshine!” My dad waved from the front porch. I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. “What are you standing around for, let’s get to work.”

We sat on the porch the sun was melting behind the trees. We drank water infused with mint and lemons and ate cucumber and ranch sandwiches. The was valley was still, a few birds nested on my fence post, chirping.

“You know, this farming thing is hard,” my dad spoke in between bites of his sandwich.

“Yeah it is,” I nodded. “I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, helping grandpa out all those years. Turns out I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.”

“I don’t know, it looks like you have some fucking idea,” Dad nudged me with his elbow, shoving his chin towards the field. We had planted in neat rows, each mound damp with water. I had made little signs for each row and carved the name of the crop then shoved them deep into the soil.

“I wish I would of paid more attention when I was here. I wish I would of helped him more,” my voice broke.

“Sunshine, you were the light of your grandfather’s life and he appreciated you so much. He lived for these summers.”

Then you stopped coming.

Then he died.

Then Eos died.

I shook my head and focused on my fields, my farm.

“You’re going to be alright,” Dad said.

I looked at him and smiled. “Yeah, yeah I am.”

I slept that night in my old sleeping bag, Ash betrayed me and snuggled up to my dad who snuggled the pup to his chest and kissed his forehead goodnight. I don’t blame him, the bed was way more comfortable than the floor. One day I’d need a guest bedroom and a bigger bed.

My internal alarm didn’t fail me and woke me up before the actual alarm did. I woke dad up by pulling the pillow out from under his head. He bolted upright, Ash fell to the floor, scrambling under the bed. Dad had his gun out and was aiming it at no one. He blinked up at me. “Why would you do that!?”

“Power hour!” I yelled and started squatting, my knees popped loudly in protest.

His eyes went wide before he burst into laughter. I did my morning routine and met dad outside, he was sitting on the porch with Ash, coffee cup in hand.

“Sunrises are something else here.”

I looked towards the horizon, it was ablaze with golds and burst of pink.

“There is something else about the Valley.”

Dad left that afternoon, deciding that I had everything under control. His fair Irish skin was burned, his red hair disheveled and red beard was already grown out. I called him a pansy and hugged him goodbye. I finished weeding the field, and broke down more stones adding them to the pile next to my house. Sweat dripped down my forehead and into my eyes, stinging them. I pulled my boots off and set them by the front door. Ash stuck his head in one immediately pulling it back out and rubbed his nose on the ground.

“I’m gross, why would you even do that?” I asked him. He responded with a sneeze. I headed towards the mountains, barefoot. I’d search for the Foraging bundle that I needed for the Community Center. It was just the start of Summer and the heat was overbearing. The dry heat pressed down and very little of the ocean breeze reached the farm.

I passed in front of Robin’s house, I hadn’t talked to Linus since the Egg Festival and still wasn’t sure about the older man. I paused spying my dark haired friend in front of the mountain lake, looking out over the still glassy water. I thought back to when we would spend the morning in that lake, then running to the beach in the afternoon, ice creams in hand. I started running towards the water, passed Sebastian and canon balled into the lake. I heard a cry of surprise as I plunged downward into the crisp, cool water. I let myself sink to the bottom of the lake then kicked back to the surface. Sebastian was kneeling down, cigarette between two fingers. “A little warning next time?”

I beamed at him and swam to the edge of the lake. Ash and Asha were just off the shore playing together.

“Next time I scream while I’m running through the mountains.”

“Oh yeah, really set off the small town murder vibe,” he took a drag off his cigarette. “You know that water is gross.”

“Yeah, I heard fish pee in here,” I scrunched up my face in disgust. Sebastian cocked an eyebrow at me, but let out a little chuckle. “But seriously, I was disgusting just a few minutes ago, my stench alone probably killed a few plants on the way over.”

This time he snorted and shook his head. The dogs stopped at the sound, observing us then going back to their play time.

“So you came all this way to swim?” Sebastian asked. He was still kneeling down, his face hovered right above mine. I could easily grab him by the front of his shirt, pull his face down to mine..

STOP IT.

I shook the thoughts from my head. “I was actually looking for some things.”

“Ooh, scavenger hunt.”

“Not an exciting one.”

“Can we go into the mines?” Sebastian asked.

“Maybe later,” I thought back to my list that was in my bag at home. There was a lot I could use from the mine, slime, solar essence, quartz, a copper, iron and gold bar. “Right now I just need a grape, spice berry and sweet pea.”

Sebastian furrowed together in confusion. “What?”

I raised my voice. “A GRAPE, A SPICE BERRY AND A SWEET PEA.”

“Damn woman I heard you, I’m just confused.” Sebastian rubbed his ears. I chuckled, letting go of the side and floated backwards.

“A girl has to eat.”

“Can you even eat sweet peas?”

I thought back to a show I had watched the other night, ‘Living off the Land’ sweet peas were edible, but had no benefits. I shrugged then swam back over to the side and pulled myself out of the water. My clothes clung to me and water puddled around my feet. “So, are we going on this adventure?” I asked Sebastian.

He didn’t answer. I felt his dark eyes drag over my curves, roam over my body, ending at my bare toes.

“Bash?” My voice was barely a whisper, suddenly gone under his gaze.

“Kit,” my name coming from his lips caused a zip to run up my spine. “Kit,” he echoed and his eyes snapped to mine. “Towel?”

“Oh uh,” I looked down at toes, wiggling them in the puddle. Ash came over and licked at my legs. I glanced up and noticed Sebastian swallow and suddenly become extremely interested in a near by plant. “I can just go home and change, I probably should before I catch a cold.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian let out a nervous laugh. “We have to go by Marnie and Leah’s any ways. Best place to look is in that field.”

I was surprised, I expected him to back out. We walked back towards Eos, in silence but a comfortable one. At one point our hands bumped together, Sebastian withdrew his and buried them into his pockets. My heart clenched. Rejection. My greatest fear.

#A New Sun #Stardew Valley #Stardew Valley Fanfic #Stardew Valley Sebastian #Sebastian Stardew Valley #sdv sebastian #Sebastian SDV #Stardew Valley OC #Sebastian Stardew Valley Fanfiction #Sebastian x Farmer #Sebastian x OC

6 notes · View notes

alaina-achilles · 4 years ago

Text

((practice challenge - all prompts included here:))

Dreams.

Dreams are a funny thing, right? As a kid, you have so many dreams, I’m gonna be this when I grow up, I’m gonna wear this when this happens…

But how many do those actually happen?

I always feel like I dream differently than other people. Well, not all dreams, but some particular ones. And when I have a dream that I feel so strongly about (usually they are things that I actually dreamed about during my sleep), I write it down, in my dreams notebook. And well, there were so many of them.

Okay, I’m getting distracted again. So, right now, I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom, screaming.

Because I have just graduated from college and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with. My. life!!

“Alaina?” Mila, my younger sister asks as she runs into my room and jumps onto my bed. “What happened? Who broke up?”

“The prince and Evie.” Another voice says and we both turn around to face our older sister.

“That’s old news, Lexi.” Mila drawls. “The Selection’s here already. Remind me again why aren’t you guys applying?”

Lexi rolls her eyes and pushes Mila to make space for herself on my bed.

“Well, back to the drama queen here. What happened?” Lexi asks, looking at me in confusion. Mila follows her gaze before they drop to the sheets of paper on my desk.

“What are those?” Mila asks in curiosity. She makes a move to take one of them, but I beat her to it by shoving them all into a messy pile.

“That.” I say as I shove them into a folder and slip it in between two books. “Is private.”

Well, they are actually job applications. I got a bit impulsive just now and flipped through my notebook of dreams, randomly selecting a few dreams, printed out the job application forms and filled them in.

“It’s not important.” I add as I see my sisters looking at me with narrowed eyes. “They were just weird random stuff that I did which I should’ve never done and I will throw them away tomorrow afternoon.”

“You can always be a teacher.” Lexi comments, knowing what I’m stressing about. “Mom likes her job a lot.”

“But I’m not Mom.” I point out as I flop onto the bed next to them. “I mean I love kids, but I just… I just can’t see myself being a teacher. Nor a lawyer like you.”

“I’m gonna be a psychologist. A therapist. A something related to psychology.” Mila replies happily. Sometimes I wish I was 13 as well. She turns around to face me. “And as a future psychologist, I think you should give writer another try. I mean you have published a book!!”

“But it’s not a best-seller. It’s only popular because it’s about a cliche bad boy story that many teenage girls like reading about.”

“That’s not true. I think there’s a lot of potential in your writing. You just need to have inspiration, write a good book and be famous.” Mila finishes with a smile.

“I think Mila’s got a point there. Just give it a go. One year. And if you aren’t writing a best-selling novel at the end of the year, just become a psychologist like Mila will be. You have the bachelor degree.” Lexi points out. I think about what my sisters said and decide they are right.

I’m gonna give writing another try.

----

“ALAINA LEXI MOM DAD COME NOW!” I hear Mila screaming from the bottom of the stairs. I put down my book in annoyance and go downstairs.

“What is it, honey?” Mom asks.

“THEY’RE GONNA ANNOUNCE THE SELECTION RESULTS!!!” Mila all but screams.

“Oooooh!” I cry. “I do wanna watch this! Dramaaa” I sing.

“I don’t know why you two are so excited for this! It’s not like any of us entered our name.” Lexi drawls, but sits down next to us on the couch while our parents sit down as well with an amused smile.

“I know many girls who did. I would like to see who’s gonna be on the tv screen for the next few months.” I explain, without looking away from the tv screen. The TV zooms to a closed up of the Prince who has a relaxed smile on his face that does not really reach his eyes. I don’t blame the guy though, it must be rough for him to jump from a supposedly stable relationship to well, 35 girls. Definitely glad I’m not the prince.

“Maybe it’ll be Delilah. She’s pretty and nice.” I comment.

“Or Faye. She’ll be quite the drama queen.” Lexi says.

“SHUSH!” Mila hisses. Lexi and I roll our eyes at each other and turn back to the screen.

“Miss Alaina Achilles of Atlin, Three.” The reporter announces.

Alain-

WAIT WHAT??

I vaguely hear my family screaming and questioning me, but I can’t hear anything except my heartbeat as I run into my room to check the folder that I meant to throw away a few afternoons ago but forgot.

It’s gone.

And then I scream.

Because, one of my dreams I made when I was six was to be in the Selection, to be a princess. And I thought it’d be fun to fill in the application a few days ago. BUT I NEVER MEANT TO SEND IT.

Then my eyes widen as I realize what must have happened.

“CAMILA DAISY ADRIANNA ACHILLES. I’M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH!” I yell as I run downstairs to kill my younger sister.

----

Four hours later. I’ve finally stopped screaming and attempting to murder my sister.

“How did you even do that, Mil? I thought you had to have your photo taken and everything?” Dad asks.

“Um… I kinda wrote a letter saying that Alaina isn’t feeling well and can’t make it to the applications and sent in a photo instead.” Mila explains in a small voice. “I swear I didn’t know they would allow that…”

“Wait…” I say suddenly. “If you sent out my application. SHIT MILA DID YOU SEND OUT ALL OF THOSE APPLICATIONS I FILLED OUT?”

“Language!” Mom cries but we all ignore her. It’s not like I ever swear anyways.

“Yeah… All six of them.” Mila admits in a quiet voice.

“AND THIS GETS EVEN BETTER!” I yell, throwing my arms into the air. “Do you know what those applications are? As an elf writing letters back to children for Santa Claus, and… and.. And… I don’t even want to rename the applications i filled out for. They were all crazy.” I mumble to myself. “Maybe the Selection is already the least craziest one.”

“See?” Mila says gleefully.

“Oh shut up, you little- I can’t even find any words to describe you. I’m not talking to you.” I yell in anger. With that I storm up the stairs into my room.

Oh no.

What has my little sister got me into?

----

By the time I am to leave Atlin, I am feeling slightly better about this whole thing. Thanks to Lexi and Dad. They convinced me that this will be a nice and unique experience and a change of scenery will probably give me more inspiration for my writing. And I finally get to be on a plane! I’ve never been on the plane before, not because we can’t afford it, but Mom has an extreme fear of flights. We usually went travelling in other means of transport.

My heart is pounding in my ears as I climb the stairs up to the plane. This is it. I’m going to be on a plane!

"Sorry if I'm bothering you, but I'm Sara Nguyen. I hope we can be plane buddies? And who knows maybe a permanent bud for the rest of the selection?" A voice says, interrupting my thoughts. I look up to see a girl smiling at me. She motions at my luggage. "Would you like a hand?"

My eyes widen as I realize she must be another selected. Wow, this is really happening, I’m really in the Selection. I quickly collect my thoughts and straighten my clothes to make sure it’s tidy. My parents have always taught us to be clean and tidy, especially in front of strangers.

“hi Sara! I’m Alaina Achilles! Sure I would love to!” I say to Sara with a bright smile. “and thanks for offering, but I think I got this!” I place the luggage to its place and sit down next to the empty spot next to Sara. I look at the two girls opposite to us, one is falling asleep and the other barely acknowledges us. Well, I guess not every Selected is nice. So I turn to Sara instead, she seems nice. “Have you ever been on a plane before?”

She tells me about the times she’s travelled and when she learns that this is my first time, she surprises me again by offering her hand for me to squeeze.

“I-“ l begin as I look at Sara’s hand hesitantly. “I mean thats very nice of you bu-“ the plane starts to move and my eyes start to widen and immediately reach forward to squeeze Sara’s hand. She is nice enough to pretend not to see my hesitation and just let me hold her hand while she talks me through the take off. I like this girl. I decide.

“Thanks. But you’re right, I’m glad I got on this plane! At least now I have a new friend?” I ask. I have never been alone without at least one of my sisters with me before and I know I will miss them very much.

"Just holler my name and I'll be there for anything. I've got tips for most things. If not I'll create one on the spot." Sara answers with a nod. I do a happy dance internally. "I think we are indeed friends. After all it would be rather awkward if two strangers held hands. Either way I'm glad we both get to be on the same flight." She proceeds to tell me about her favorite things about being on a plane and I look out the window and agree with her. The view is amazing! We chat more about the flying experience and being the writer I was, I tell her how lovely it’ll be to be able to write about this experience. My new friend immediately offers me her notebook, but I once again decline politely. I know once I start writing, I’ll ignore everything around me and I don’t want to do this to Sara and miss the opportunity to get to know her. So I just tell her that I’ll do it later and enjoy the moment now.

Sara asks me if I’ve ever written anything that she might’ve read. I hesitate as I thought of my published book. A few years ago, at 16, I wrote a cliche bad boy story named “the Bad Boy Ruined my Project” and published it online. Because it’s cliche and about bad boys, teenage girls immediately took a liking to it and two years later, I got a publishing offer. I was ecstatic and accepted it. Ever since then, my agent has been pushing me to write a new book. And that’s when it became complicated. I was 16 when I wrote that cliche book and at 18, I’ve matured and changed and honestly, my book wasn’t that well-written, it just suited the taste of what teenage girls wanted to read. I’ve tried telling this to my agent and she kept telling me that was bullshit and if I wanted to be a famous writer, I had to please my readers. This is one of the reasons why I decided to start thinking of pursuing another character. I want to write things that I want to write, not just things people want me to write about.

But at the end of the day, I am grateful for my book and its success. At least it got me noticed.

So I tell her about my published book and she tells me about her career. Sara is to take over her dad’s company. Sensing this isn’t her favorite topic to talk about, I change the topic and ask her about siblings.

We quickly get into a fun conversation about siblings and I can already tell we’re going to be the best of friends in the Selection. Hopefully.

And for a while, I feel like I’m home again as we laugh and joke about the Selection. About how dramatic it will be with 35 girls under the same roof, going after the prince. About how weird it will be to have a brother joining the selection! (Sara said her brother almost joined HAHA). We are enjoying our conversation so much that I don’t even notice we have landed.

"We're here," Sara breathes out as we both look out the window. I smile as I take in the surroundings around me. I’ve been here before during a long road trip, but the airport is totally new to me.

“It’s beautiful!” I exclaim. Then, I turn to face Sara and put out a pinky. “Okay before we get off, let’s make a pact. Let’s promise to let this selection ruin our budding friendship.”

"It honestly is. Last time I came here I was 13 years old." Sara replies with a shake of her head. She looks at me and smiles as she sticks her pinky out and links it with mine. "I promise that this selection will not ruin our friendship. You know you can call me by any nickname. I prefer them rather than Sara. My family call me bun."

And she manages to surprise me for the third time. Wow, a nickname. I can tell it’s not something she goes around letting people use.

I laugh and give her a hug. “Bun.” I say. “I love that. it’s so cute and so you!” We break away when one of the other girls clears her throat and tell us it’s time to go. I smile embarrassingly and roll my eyes at my new friend as we begin our journey to the palace. And because of Sara, I already feel a hundred times better about the selection. If all goes wrong, I know at least there will be one genuine friend who will go through all of this with me together.

"This is reserved for you. It's strange if someone else calls me that. So welcome to the Bun club." She says with a straight face but that didn't last long because she ends up giggling. She shakes her head as the other girls hurry us. "Well, let's see what is awaiting us." She smiles encouragingly at me.

I laugh at her words and nod. “Honored to be in the club.” I look at the other girls amusedly, as they check their makeup. “Let’s see!” I say as I pull my new friend along with me.

Sara nods as she links arms with me humming happily as we both get off the plane. "By any chance can I call you Al?" She pauses as she thinks about other nicknames. "Or Lai? Or Achi! Or do you already have a nickname you are comfortable with?”

I cock my head to the side and think about her question. I don’t really have a cute nickname or anything like hers.

“My sisters call me A.” I say with a giggle. “But Achi sounds so cool as well! Just call me either!” I add, like the sound of Achi.

"I'll call you, Achi then!" She replies with a grin. "It's my own personal nickname.”

“Achi.” I repeat quietly with a smile as I follow the guards escorting us.

Bun and Achi.

I like this combo.

----

Sara and I enter the palace together where we are immediately ushered into a huge room. People keep pushing me from stall to stall, asking me questions, but answering those questions themselves before I can even think of an answer. Luckily, they didn’t need to do too much to my hair and body as Mom always makes sure we are well um groomed. I only got my nails painted and fitted into a red dress. I’ve never seen myself as a red person, I’m usually more of baby pink, purple, white and dark colors. But I have to admit the red dress looks amazing.

I then proceeded to have an interview where I told them a bit about myself and then my makeover.

By the time, I finish the interview, I am so tired that all I want to do is go back to my room and read or talk to my sisters.

Oh wait, I’m still mad at Mila.

Oops.

====

((THANKS @itssara-oc ANA FOR THE WONDERFUL RP ♡ i love the connection between our two girls:))

#practice challenge #challenge #alaina #selection oc

9 notes · View notes

sleepycouchspider · 6 years ago

Text

Morgan Stark and big brother Peter.

When Morgan Stark is born Peter is 18 years old, just graduated high school and ready to start college life.

Tony and Pepper didn't hesitate to give him the title of Morgan's elder brother and Peter was more than honoured, he cried and hugged Mr Stark and Pepper before holding his sister in his arms for the first time.

She was so tiny, Peter almost started crying again and for a solid minute just stared at her, eyes memorising her light brown hair and face scrunched up in a adorable, peaceful expression. Her heartbeat was normal, and Peter felt connected with her entire being.

He missed the smiles on Tony's and Pepper's face, so entranced by the baby in his hand.

Peter spent a lot of time with baby Morgan and his presence had become a constant in her life that she always knew when he was around. Peter was her favourite person as a baby after her parents.

He babysitted Morgan a lot with Rhodes help sometimes and sometimes when he was alone with her, he would read her stories or listen to songs with her, dancing with her in his hands and loving how she giggled, her tiny arms wrapped around his neck. (Tony and Pepper loved those videos)

Then when Peter went to college, the Stark family realized how constant his presence had become in their life and everyone understood why Morgan would cry about wanting Peter.

But Peter made up every time he came back, spending his entire holidays with them and May, not leaving Morgan's side until the last day and felt the same heart ache when she sobbed in his arms every time he had to go back.

"I'll be back soon, M. I promise" he hugged her close to his chest and looked over her shoulder to look at Tony who looked just as upset and had a pinched look on his face, but once Morgan was in her mother's arms, the man hugged him so tightly and Peter smiled, his throat tight with emotion.

"Stay safe okay? And call us." Pepper brushed his hair away from his face and looked at the 20 year old who smiled down at her and her heart squeezed.

God, how Peter has grown. He was already taller than Tony and he looked older, his baby face was morphing into a handsome man's face and Pepper felt the same emotion she felt when she looked at Morgan.

Then a year later, someone leaked the picture of Pepper, Tony and Peter with Morgan in his arms coming out of a restaurant, Morgan's hands squishing Peter face and Tony grinning at both of them while Pepper looked like she was trying to hide her smile and suddenly the world exploded, theories about Peter being Tony's illegitimate child the top theory but was quickly squished down.

The next day SI released a statement about how they were waiting for the right time to announce it to the world that SI's hire until Morgan is grown up is Peter B Parker, Tony's intern who he has been training for years.

It had been a huge controversy until People meet Peter and obviously they loved how sweet and gentle his nature was and things went back to how they were except Peter was always in the spot light.

After graduating MIT, May and Peter moved to the tower and Peter started learning the trade from Pepper and Tony and Morgan was 5 years old now, who was more than happy that Peter was living with them now.

Tony and Peter became the most talk about topic for a while, seeing how close Peter was to the hero and obviously, when ever they were out Morgan was always with the young adult.

Morgan leaned more towards Peter, his kind and gentle demeanor and happy self was always uplifting and she loved her elder brother. Peter was there to drop her off for her first day of school, he organised her birthdays with mom and dad, he brought her gifts almost every week and he let her be part of his movie nights with his friends, MJ and Ned.

Petey was a protective brother, who would, as kindly as he could, tell the paparazzi to not crowd the 8 year old. Who took care of her when his mom and dad were away. He let her play with his hair and do his make up, let her touch his inventions, toys and was more than happy to bring her with him if she felt lonley.

Then years went by, Morgan was 10 when Peter got married to his highschool Girlfriend / one of the most badass women in the business industry, Michelle Jones and she was the flower girl at his wedding, Tony had literally become Peter's father at this point and no one argued that Peter was not related to the man.

Morgan was 13 when she became an aunt of a young boy, Antony Jones Parker and Morgan still remembers seeing her dad cry and hold his grandson in his arms, choking on sobs.

She thought the baby might replace her in Peter's life but her brother never let that happen. Peter, even when exhausted after a long day at work, always made time for his family, always present for dinner, movie nights, her school functions, playing videogames with her with AJ in his lap and Michelle curled up between them.

Their dad had insisted Peter as secondary guardian in her school after uncle Rhodey and Morgan doesn't think she will ever forget that day in her life.

She went to the same High school as Peter and encountered her first bully who for months had taunted her a lot, a girl name Innana. It was three months into her junior year when Morgan's patience snapped.

Innana commented how she was just a rich brat of a lame hero. How her family was so boring that her brother was not even her real brother.

Usually Morgan ignored her, but Peter made Morgan have always been a team and she was not going to let a jealous bitch say anything about her brother so she snapped and made her thoughts just clear to her bully.

One thing led to another and the two girls were sitting in the office waiting for their parents, Morgan nursing her hand and Innana her almost broken nose.

Innana's parents came first( obviously) and using the skills her dad taught her, she ignored how they screamed at the principal to expel her.

She rolled her eyes and picked her perfect manicured nails, when someone else entered the office and Peter was standing in front of her, in his three piece suit and a amused smile on his face.

"Hey." He kneeled down in front of her, ignoring everone else and she grinned at him.

"Hi." The relief she felt seeing him here.

Principal Morita looked at Peter with a strange sense of emotion, almost looking proud but wiped it of his face when Peter turned to meet his eye.

"Sorry for being late. " He smiled sheepishly at his old principal and sat down next to the girl's parents who were staring at him with wide eyes.

The principal got down to business and both side of the stories were heard. Peter squeezed Morgan's hand when she told them how Innana always bullied her. Obviously Innana's parents didn't believe her and snapped at them.

"Just because your father is Ironman does not mean you can do what ever you want!" The mother glared at Morgan and she was about to say something back when Peter pinned them down with a cold glare.

"I am sorry, but Morgan was clearly provoked. You saw the footage. It was your daughter who attacked my sister first and Morgan had every right to defend herself. If anything, your daughter should be apologizing to my sister." His voice was clam, like Pepper's but the edge in it was like their dad's when he was pissed.

Even though Morgan was suspended for a day and Innana for a week, she knew that Peter would have done more, like going Tony Stark on the girl's parents but stopped when Morgan squeezed his hand hard.

She looked at him, as he drove them back home and Morgan felt tears prick her eyes realising just how much he loved her.

He was literally the best brother in the world, who held her close when she was hurting, who stood by her with their parents when she needed backup.

She thanked her mom and dad for making Peter her brother and smiled when dad looked at her with that soft smile and caressed her cheek.

"He is the best, isn't he?" Murmuring softly, the retired hero looked at Peter who was laying on the couch, playing with little AJ while MJ ran her hands through his hair a smile on their faces and feeling their eyes on him, Peter turned to look at them and grinned.

Morgan loved her brother so much.

#morgan stark #peter parker #tony stark #irondad #pepper potts #pepperony #spiderson #mj #aj parker

502 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 5 years ago

Text

746

What are some of your favorite cities you've been to? Locally, I loved Sagada, Vigan, and Basco. Outside of the country, I really enjoyed Bali and Shanghai. Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) I wouldn’t stop them but I suppose I’d watch over them more and have more rules while they’re still under 16, like no overnights at their SO’s place or that they have to be home by a certain time. Did you ever go through a phase where you thought guys in bands were 'hot?' Hah yep. I grew up during the pop punk/alternative rock era man, where most prepubescent girls were gaga over people like Stephen Gomez from The Summer Set or Jack Barakat of All Time Low. What's something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? The extent of being independent, like the sheer amount of bills to pay, how to check if the gas in your kitchen is doing fine, etc. I panic ever so slightly more day by day because I still don’t know how to cook anything and that’s literally Basic Adult Life Skill #1. Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up? Yes. They both work in hospitality management so stuff like that has been taught to me from a very young age. I can still vividly remember my mom teaching me how to eat pasta and soup properly or when she told me what it means when a bunch of spoons and forks of different sizes are laid out in front of me.

What was the last thing you baked? Chocolate chip cookies, but that was nearly two years ago. Do you live more than 5 hours away from the nearest international border? Yeah, if you swam all the way there lmao. Kidding but uhhh I don’t – at least I don’t think so. The countries nearest us are pretty...nearby and if you took a boat you’ll probably get there in a couple of hours. Does your town have a farmer's market? No. I think the ones in Cubao are the closest one. What's the westernmost point you've been to? I’m not so sure, I’ve only been around Southeast and East Asia. Strictly speaking I think it has to be Malaysia, but that’s nowhere near the west haha. What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at? Gab and I never really get to have dates as fancy as this. We tried to book a reservation at Barcino once for Valentine’s Day, but they told us no precisely because they weren’t taking reservations for that day. When did you last feel lonely? This afternoon. I always start feeling a tad bit lonely during the afternoons which a nap can often fix. Can you easily tell when others are masking their true emotions? Not always. Some people are good at masking. How often do you wash your car? I don’t. My mom is so particular about how every single item in the house must be cleaned a certain way, and no matter how hard I try to imitate her methods they’re almost always wrong in her eyes so I didn’t even try with my car anymore. I don’t think I wanna hear “you didn’t scrub right” “you missed a spot” “did you even clean the car?” especially after trying my best. When did you last lend money to a friend? It was years ago when I’d lend money to Gab so she can put gas in her car or book a Grab/Uber. Now it’s the other way around, hahaha. Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Facebook. Messenger is almost always active since it’s the most popular chat app where I live. Do you own a Dutch oven? If so, what was the last thing you cooked in it? We probably do but it’s most likely one of my mom’s prized kitchenware that’s always hidden away and never used unless we have important visitors lol. Do you find it easy to put yourself in somebody else's shoes? No, I don’t think you can truly understand what someone with difficulties is exactly going through. What I am prone to be though is feeling sensitive and when someone is having a tough time, I do usually feel sad for them. Sometimes I’ll simply cry thinking about what they’re going through. What is currently on your kitchen table? We have one main counter and on it are my parents’ coffee maker, the water dispenser, the rack for our plates and glasses, mug hanger, and utensil holder. What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? Ooooh I really like history though. I don’t think I’ve ever found myself bored reading about a certain era. How old were you when you met your current best friend? I was 7 when I met the first one, and 13 when I met the other. Have you ever kissed a smoker? Yep but I’ve never liked kissing her after smoking. What is the minimum age to obtain a driver's license in your state/country? 18. ^ Do you think this is an appropriate age, or should it be higher/lower? It’s appropriate. I got mine at 18 and it worked out fine, and the only reason I got into accidents early on is because I was always driving very carefully but was unfortunately surrounded by dumbass drivers who liked to bully my much smaller car around. If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? I honestly don’t think so but maybe I just don’t know their true colors just yet HAHAHA. What is the craziest thing you've seen happen at your workplace? Thankfully I didn’t see it happen in person as it would’ve broken me completely, but it was when the Shopping Center at campus burned down. That was the first place I went to after I officially enrolled in my school (I had lunch with my dad and bought a UP car sticker) and it was also the first place my block dropped by to hang out together when we all met each other for the first time, so a lot of memories were in that place and I’m sure this was the case for all students too. That was a really sad day and I almost didn’t want to go to class when I saw the videos of the fire. Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs? My parents have a wifi bulb. What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Instagram. I’ve always tried hyping myself up to finally make an account but egh, it just screams fakeiness to me. How old were you when you started to seriously think about what career path you wanted to pursue? When I was 19 or 20 as that was the age when I started having friends who graduated college and went on to have Real Life Jobs. Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn't finish it? Yeah I got a random book once when my mom let me pick out whatever book I felt like getting when I was like 11 or 12. I don’t even remember the title anymore hahah but it was such a bore. I don’t know if I threw it out or if it’s buried somewhere in my room. Would you rather read a book, or listen to the audiobook? Read the book. I’m bad at listening to accents and have always needed subtitles, but if I needed subtitles for an audiobook then I might as well have just picked the book hahaha. Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? I don’t know. All days are the same now.

#survey #surveys

3 notes · View notes

poxerescophobia · 5 years ago

Text

*TW - Bulimia*

Eating disorders are not fucking pretty. They’re not “cute” or “quirky”. You can tell who’s actually suffering and who’s pretending to suffer for attention. Posting a mirror selfie on Snapchat of you wearing a revealing bikini saying how “fat” you are just to get people to tell you you’re not is not an eating disorder (hint: i mean posting pics KNOWING that people are gonna tell you you’re not fat, like you just want people to compliment your body)They’re embarrassing. Eating disorders ruin life. End lives.

For me, personally, I struggle with bulimia. Anorexia too, but bulimia is more present. I binge/purge more than I do restrict and fast, but that’s still present as well.

If you haven’t started purging, please. Whatever you do. No matter how tempting it is.

Do.

Not.

Purge.

Please. I go through this cycle of restricting during the day and binging/purging at night. My body is stuck at a certain weight because of it. And this has been going on for years

You’ll get a dry mouth, bad breath, sinus infections, nosebleeds, migraines, dehydrated, bruises on your hands, stomach tears, internal bleeding, and your stomach can rupture and you’ll die on the spot.

It’s not pretty. You will completely ruin any sort of stable relationship with food. You won’t be able to restrict anymore without completely fasting. Any time you put food in your mouth it turns into a huge binge (I could down 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a liter of water and still have room for a bowl of ice cream) and you’ll cry as you attempt to get it all up.

Your bank account will suffer. I’ve spent thousands, THOUSANDS, of my hard-earned money for my eating disorder. When it’s 12:27 am and you can’t sleep due to insomnia you start to crave. Your brain gets foggy and you find yourself in a McDonalds drive through ordering enough food for five people.

Eating becomes exclusive. You won’t eat around anyone else because you’re ashamed of your binges. You have 16 plates and 7 cups sitting in your rooms that are a week old with crusted, moldy food on them cause you’re too embarrassed to wash them.

Forget about personal hygiene. Your face will break out due to the lack of energy to wash it. Your teeth will become yellow and rotten. Your hair, if it isn’t falling out, will be oily and covered in dandruff because purging takes all your energy and you can’t be bothered with a shower. Or laundry. That hasn’t been done in months, you’re just going through this rotation of putting your work uniform on and dousing it in perfume, hoping it smells okay.

Relationships will suffer. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/SO will start to wonder why you’ve been declining dinner dates. Why you smell like vomit. Why you have a swollen face. Why the bags under your eyes look like bruises and you’ve lost the spark in your eye. You say, “i’m just tired”, but you’ve been “tired” for six months and they start to blame themselves.

You continue to suffer and get worse, not because of the reflection in the mirror, because it’s giving you a routine. You feel like your life is spiraling and you know that you caused this. But your self hatred is so deeply rooted in the core of your being from your dad telling you you’ll “lose the baby fat” in third grade or your mother telling you to go on a diet at 7, or her screaming at you to not eat unless food is given to you at age 13.

You do it because, honestly, what else is there to do? You feel alone, worthless, and empty so why not continue with what gives you some spark of happiness? Recovery seems impossible. You’re not worthy of recovery. You’re too far gone. Nothing you do in life affects anybody but yourself and you hate yourself, so why bother, right? That’s what you want, right? To die?

Maybe. Maybe you want to be saved. Maybe you wanna get healthy and be a gym girl/guy. But for now, you’re just dwindling into nothing. Drowning in your own self hatred. Maybe not wanting to die, but to just not be “here”. That’s where my good friend dissociation comes in. Nothing feels real anymore. You lose your grip on reality. Driving off the side of the highway bridge doesn’t seem scary anymore because nothing has any consequences. You’re in a dream. Life is a dream. Nothing can hurt you.

Eating disorders are not fun. I wish I never began to hate myself. I lost so much of my childhood trying to figure out how many calories a 12 year old girl needed to lose weight in a week. It’s sad. Now, I’m 18 and wasting away. I don’t know what reality is anymore. Anxiety is my best friend, Insomnia fuels my writing late into the night. Bulimia is now a part of me. I’ve lost all that makes me who I am

I know this whole thing sounds harsh, but I meant to write it that way. This is my experience. Everything I just said is something i’ve personally done. Please, if it’s not too late, run. As fast as you fucking can.

Don’t end up like me

#eating disorder #ed #ana #mia #anorexia #anorexic #bulimic #bulimia #thin #thinspo #skinny

26 notes · View notes

prinzessmetal · 5 years ago

Text

Welcome to my blog. I want to write about some things that I don’t feel comfortable getting into on other platforms as often as they are happening. I want a place to talk about my health struggles in hopes that it will help people choose themselves and their bodies. If I had known 10 years ago the medications and episodes that are part of my life now it might have helped. If someone hurts you and tells you that you can handle something you don’t feel like you can please seek help even if you just tell a friend rather than internalize that. Trigger warning ahead: abuse and health problems. When I was in elementary school I asked my parents to homeschool me. I wanted to do acting full time and I wanted to do music when I was old enough. This is what Judy Garland did according to a bio pic so it was probably a good plan. I had a lot of crazy almost moments. I auditioned for Hannah Montana and Hermione and got pretty far in call backs. I got called in by the guy who signed Britney. My old manager dated Lana Del Rey before she released anything and told me my music was too depressing like his girlfriend’s and I would need to be more uplifting or I would end up like her. I worked from when I was a kid until now. I enjoy telling stories and making art so that some insignificant feeling of mine can blossom into something beyond me. I think a lot of entertainers have a similar set of needs. There’s people who happen upon it and there’s people who live and breathe and die for it. Maybe there’s a hole to fill or they feel things so deeply they want to get it out and set it free. This was the complete focus of my life. Except for love. I wouldn’t trade my work for anything except for a man threatening to leave. I have always been scared of that feeling and I have done some pretty predictable things to avoid it. Dyed my hair, paid for parts for a moped, moved across the country, and allowed another human with a lower iq and no job to break my heart over and over again. I did that several times, I mean, what are your 20’s for? I think a lot of women spent their 20’s feeling like they were raising their boyfriends. But, I stayed when men crossed lines that aren’t just normal and routine and those things ended up hurting me. When I was 19 I moved to Nashville to record an album. My music manager and my boyfriend were both control freaks with a lot of rage. I was “not like the other girls.” At 19 I was a manic pixie repressed dream. I was terrified to be too much or not enough and I was raised to be sweet and soft. I couldn’t imagine yelling back or ruining someone’s wants with my needs. My inner child actor didn’t know how much adult was too much adult. I looked about 13 and I felt about 60. One day my boyfriend was screaming at the top of his lungs and I was concerned about the neighbors hearing it. I had recorded with session players that day in the studio and I didn’t explain to him (as he found from my posts online) that some of them were more attractive than I had let on. I am not sure what level of graphic I will get into on this blog but I will say for now it “got worse.” My mom happened to be calling when this was going on and my pocket answered and she overheard. She flew out a few days later and wanted to know if I was okay. I lied and I told her that he was never like that and he had been under a lot of pressure trying to find a new job. I didn’t want to lose him for whatever reason at the time felt like the end of the world. Some nights I would go for drives to get away and cry to “Razzle Dazzle Rose” by Camera Obscura (great song to drive and cry to) until I had a headache and I would head back home when he had fallen asleep. In the mornings he was always extremely sorry and a completely different person who “would change.” At the end of this relationship I started getting chest pains. I think I went to an ER and was sent home with anxiety. I thought it was weird how badly anxiety hurt my physical heart and odd that it was deemed okay. But it seemed likely true as I was 19. Over the next few years I dated different people some like the first guy and some gentler. I was raised around anger and big highs and lows and angry people thought me to be comforting. I tried my best to avoid mistakes and things that caused problems because I didn’t feel I had the stamina i just wasn’t sure why. It often caused that chest pain I didn’t understand. At 24 my body started not feeling like itself more consistently. I often had chest pain and missed heart beats (pvcs and pacs) and my body hurt a lot for no reason. I felt rushes and I would feel dizzy and faint and out of breath. I was given a variety of names for all this. I had dysautonomia, POTS, autonomic dysfunction, “a weird nervous system” or just anxiety. I read all about different conditions but I didn’t know what I had but I knew my body wasn’t well anymore. I spent the next couple years being known as a hypochondriac. “Nothing is wrong with your heart Molly.” I still associate the hospital’s hold music with the mantra “it’s not your heart” that was routinely on the other end of it. I eventually gave up. I must have had some psychosomatic issue and I was probably crazy and I wanted to start living again. I was tired of chest pain with no cause and angry boyfriends ruling my life. I wanted my music to have a chance and I worked harder than ever. I also experimented with night life and smoked a cigarette or 2 or 3 and I got a few hangovers. I was a normal 20-something. Finally the homeschooled neurotic girl was kind of fun or I became some version of myself I was meant to be had I not taken some wrong turns or slept with the wrong people. I remember people would say to me “I can’t keep up with her she’s wild” and I was thrilled I had never been particularly fun I had always just been working or isolating myself with some guy. Neither cause helped the other and I had nothing to show for the last few years but I felt alive for the first time since maybe grade school. I let myself be free. One day I ate a friend’s edible and I had what I thought was a traditional panic attack. My heart was racing and I wanted to run away from it. A normal bad reaction to edibles. But my heart hurt for days. I couldn’t keep up with my (tall) boyfriend at the pace we normally walked and it was hard wearing the shoes that I did and I started avoiding the stairs. I was out of breath and in a lot of pain and it kept shooting down my left arm. I went back to my (famous and respected) cardiologist and she said not to come back to the clinic anymore as it was causing her team and myself to falsely believe that my problems were cardiac in nature. Except it turns out that I have heart disease. It took 6 cardiologists and a lot of ER visits to get any answers. I’m a young woman trying to get her life set up and I have heart disease. I hear over and over “it’s not your heart” and the hold muzak playing louder and louder and my boyfriends telling me to stop making up chest pain to get away from their rage and my music manager telling me it was stage fright and my old therapist telling me it would go away if I did the work inside my mind. I have Prinzmetal Angina. It got out of control after a bad car accident and a traumatic and stressful month last December. My coronary arteries were spasming shut and I spent January-June getting a lot of stern looks and speeches about anxiety from doctors and nurses all while I really just needed Calcium Channel Blockers and various forms of Nitroglycerin. I intend to pursue my music and art. I’m in a band and I am not going to change and become the normal picture of chronic illness which generally neuters people. I’m still young and intend to stay in touch with that the best I can. Some days I can take over the world and some days I have to stay in bed and some days I need to go to hospital for extra nitro and morphine. A lot happens behind the scenes I don’t always know how to share on instagram and twitter so I made this blog. I like to share my art in those places which I consider to define me more than how my body is not working. But, it’s a huge part of my experience and I would like somewhere to share it. I don’t normally feel comfortable talking about my bad dating choices and abuse but I think it’s important for people to know that the damage from it can be very real. Prinzmetal Angina was just studied with relationship abuse as being traumatic enough to cause it. I think we downplay how bad abuse hurts us and tell people to just get a grip. Maybe if I had read this when I was younger I would have treated myself differently and chose more carefully who I let near me. I hope you enjoy this blog and take care of your body and appreciate the days you feel free. Xo Joon

#prinzmetal #heart disease #dysautonomia #lupus #joon glume

15 notes · View notes

sawyersick · 5 years ago

Note

all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope!

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick” and then the sparkly heart emoji five times

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope!

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I’m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

nope 77. Do you have a job?

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor 78. What are your initials?

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope! I’m a weenie 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?

no I’m a virgin 94. Are you single or in a relationship?

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

the day after the fourth of July 97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

yeah one from the ring I wear every day and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

#long post #ask #bumbleberrybee

3 notes · View notes

ichigopanhpff · 5 years ago

Text

BNHA Fic: Blink! Ch. 14

Read Ch. 13 | Masterlist

SPOILER ALERT: This chapter’s not much of spoiler territory but it’s still within season 4. It’s character development time!

Summer’s last breath left near the end of September and brought the autumnal chills. All the interns were able to attend Nighteye’s funeral after the dust settled on the Shie Hassaikai raid. Both the school and hero agencies agreed on putting the work-study program in an indefinite hold.

Ren took two mental health days from classes after all her injuries healed.

She stayed in bed, completely unmotivated to do anything. Despite that, she ultimately returned but her attendance had scattered absences.

This alerted two certain students from 2-A.

When lunch time came around, two familiar second years came up to 1-A’s table. Everyone energetically greeted them.

“Have you guys seen Ren lately?” Seri asked with an underlying tone of worry. Midoriya and Todoroki quickly took notice of it.

“She said she hasn’t been feeling well,” Yaoyorozu answered. “And has been in her room since I last saw her this morning.”

“Gottverdammt,” Tomoe hissed out in German and went back to Japanese, speaking in a hushed manner with Seri. “She’s relapsing.”

The two rushed out of the lunchroom.

“Lange-senpai, wait!” a voice called out.

The two girls turned to see five of the first years followed them.

“What do you mean by relapsing?” Uraraka suddenly asked in between breaths. “She was with us during the raid.”

“If this has anything to do with Chisaki...” Asui assumed.

“We’ll explain on the way,” Seri promptly responded. “Come on.”

The rag tag group exited the corridor and made their way to their dorms at a quickened pace.

“Ren was basically a physical and emotional recluse when we first met each other in class,” Tomoe summarized. “Had a lot of trust issues after being bullied at her old school in the States.”

“Bullied?” Midoriya asked, knowing all too well of this.

“It’s… something to do with her family that’s better coming from her,” the tall girl quickly replied.

“When Tocchan and I managed to become friends with her, she’d have relapse episodes where she wouldn’t come to school for days,” Seri continued. “Her anxiety got the best of her whenever she felt herself opening up. We didn’t know it was such a big vulnerability at the time and thought she was just playing hooky. After butting our way into her place one day after school to give her notes and assignments, we saw her buried under her covers in her room, cowering like an abused animal.”

“We sat with her for hours until she was comfortable enough with us to talk,” Tomoe finished and clicked her tongue. “That dummkopf… She must be a mess right now.”

Finally reaching the Alliance Dorms, they busted through the door and heard a startled yelp from the kitchen. It was Ren at mid-chew with her lunch. The longer part of her hair was halfway up in a messy bun and was wearing a black slouchy sweater with loose cream colored sweatpants.

“What… are you guys doing here?” she asked slowly in confusion, her voice sounding rough.

Tomoe and Seri shook in anger and immediately ran at her; One kicked Ren in the back while the other punched her in the face. She fell down with a dull thud without having a chance to defend herself. Their juniors, for a lack of better word, were completely dumbstruck.

“Du dumpfbacke!” Tomoe yelled in German and went back to Japanese. “You had us worried sick!”

“You bloody wanking bellend!” Seri screamed in British English and continued to stomp on her. “Why didn’t you text us after everything?! We thought you relapsed, you piece of crap!”

The remaining group couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch the beat down commence. They understood their senpais were concerned about her, but this was their way of showing it?

“Lange-senpai, Kubo-senpai,” Midoriya softly called with a fearful quiver. “I think you should stop...”

“We’re not done worrying about her!” both simultaneously angrily shrieked out.

“Ren-senpai��s not moving,” Asui pointed out with fret. “But her arm is twitching though.”

The two girls huffed heavily and looked down to see an unconscious Ren laying on her side, foaming at the mouth. Once the tussle subsided, they all sat down at the couches in the common area and explained themselves.

“Relapsed? Well...” Ren trailed off and rubbed where Tomoe punched her on her face. Her voice sounded hoarse, like she’d been screaming at the top of her lungs. “I did for a bit when we got back, but it wasn’t as serious as you thought it’d be.”

“You look like you’re doing fine,” Seri noticed with a tinge of annoyance. “So why haven’t you come back to class?”

“I’m nursing a throat infection,” she revealed and went into a light coughing fit, covering her mouth with her sleeve. “The medication makes me sleepy.”

“Why didn’t you say so then?!” Tomoe angrily shouted, smacking her arm.

“Ow. Because you were beating me with an inch of my life ten minutes ago,” Ren briskly answered while soothing the stinging area her friend hit.

“You got us there,” Seri surrendered. Her expression went from nonchalant to concern. “… We saw what happened on the live broadcast.”

“Fight Chisaki that recklessly...” The tall girl gripped the hem of her skirt as her shoulder shook, unable to hold her emotions back anymore. “You could’ve died! Even if you did have a vendetta, I wouldn’t have forgiven you if you went out like that,” she angrily shouted.

Tomoe glared at her with tears in her dark brown eyes, now free flowing down her cheeks.

“So don’t go decidin’ somethin’ as selfish as throwing your life away without thinkin’ ‘bout your friends n’ your mom!”

Ren looked at her friend choking back her sobs with the saddest expression. The pink haired girl drew her into a tight hug and stroked the back of her head. After having a few days to reflect on her actions, she did feel a small tinge of guilt for doing what she did.

It’s as Tamaki and Mirio-senpai foresaw: she got blinded by her emotions.

“Sorry… for worrying both of you...” she whispered. “I wanted to tell you, but we were under strict orders from the pros to keep silent.”

Tomoe continued to cry into her shoulder while Seri remained pensive.

“So with Chisaki gone...” The silver white-haired girl softly spoke. “And Togata-senpai on an extended leave from school, what are you going to do?”

Ren’s hazel-green eyes gleamed with sadness and sighed heavily.

“Lately, I’ve been finding myself lacking motivation to come back...” she confessed and released Tomoe from the hug, her friend having now calmed down to sniffles. “All this time, I wanted to be a hero just to find that scumbag and bring him to justice. And now…”

She sighed again and leaned forward with her hands loosely clasped.

“I don’t know what to do.”

The pregnant silence momentarily rang through, feeling the weight of Ren’s words seep into their mind. It was Uraraka who decided to break it.

“It’s fine to continue on as you are, even if you don’t know where it’ll lead,” the gravity girl encouraged.

“Senpai, no matter how tough things get, I hope you know you can trust and rely on us with anything,” Asui soothed with a matching smile. “Even heroes need support.”

“There’s a lot more people out there to save,” Midoriya stated and clenched his fist. “The world needs more strong heroes now more than ever.”

Ren hung her head low, hiding her sullen face with her hair.

“Am I strong though?” she whimpered out with her right hand gripping her left forearm, still trying to make sense of what happened that caused her arm to dislocate.

“We can’t answer that for you...” Todoroki finally spoke up with clarity. “But continuing on to be a hero is what your brother would’ve wanted.”

Her head lifted up with hopeless looking wet eyes, letting out a small gasp.

That’s right: she became a hero for his sake from the start. Why couldn’t she remember something as simple as that? Somewhere along the way, she got swept up with the current, unable to think of her own motives as she ran forward. Ren turned away to wipe the stray tears with her sleeve.

“I’m a pathetic senpai.” She let out a dry laugh between sniffles. “Look at me, being consoled by my juniors over things I have no control over… I’m so lame.”

“You are pretty lame,” Tomoe teased with a comforting grin.

“But you’d do the same for them,” Seri remarked with a small smile.

The rose-gold colored haired girl nodded with a shy grin.

Two days later, Ren returned to class after recovering and her life fell back into the usual routine before the internship happened: Classes, study sessions, counseling 1-A students, and of course, the late-night training sessions resumed with Bakugou and Todoroki.

“I saw you try out that move fightin’ that bastard,” Bakugou casually remarked with crossed arms. “It was sloppy.”

“I was desperate,” Ren angrily quivered out and chugged some water, not wanting to be reminded of her screw up. “With the way I was going up the pillar, I couldn’t attack from behind anyway.”

“Stand,” the blond boy requested, with her complying. “You should’ve came at him like this.”

Bakugou charged at Ren and aimed his right fist low, stopping short at her torso and slowed his left that was aiming at her jawline. Not once did her body flinch, having gotten used to his movements.

“Your opponent’s guard lets down when you hit their core first and you can follow up with the finishing blow to kill ‘em,” he instructed.

“And if you add your quirk to it, you’d have an extra element of surprise,” Todoroki added. “Increasing your chances of victory.”

“Don’t butt into our conversation, half-and-half,” Bakugou scowled.

“There’s… somethin’ I wanna try,” Ren suddenly blurted out. “I need the two of you to come at me with your quirks at full force.”

“Are you sure?” the bi-colored haired boy asked.

“I don’t think it’ll work unless I feel my life’s in danger. And I can’t rely on it all the time.”

The three positioned themselves and as always, Bakugou was the first to attack with a mighty yell and charge. He shot an explosion with his right, only to have Ren duck under it with her speed and jumped up to dodge Todoroki’s trail of ice on the ground.

“You’re mine!”

Rapid shots of explosion shot out of his palm at close quarter, making Ren put her arms up in an X-formation and jumped back. The singe on her arms smelled of burnt hair and skin; she had to endure the discomfort.

“Hey! We agreed to no hits to the face!” she shouted.

“Huuh?! I can’t hear you over the sound of me winning!” he retorted and went on the offensive by using his hands as a rocket blast.

Ren timed it perfectly and managed to roundhouse him in the face, making use of his back to jump on to attack Todoroki on the back line. He came at her with his ice wall attack, but used her momentum to leverage herself on the already laid frozen crystals and flipped over toward him. Remembering how Toga moved when she attacked Aizawa, the airborne girl struck hard at his right shoulder blade with her hand of her fist making a stabbing motion. The shock immediately traveled up his body and brought the boy to his knees after she landed. She gasped out loud and turned to see Todoroki on all fours, sweating hard and panting. His arms were shaking.

“Oh crap!” she exclaimed and ran up to dual-quirk user. “Did I hit too hard?!”

“My body’s… just in shock,” he gasped out. “I think you hit a nerve.”

“I thought you said no face hits, ya dumbass!” Bakugou shouted from the other side of the room. Ren mockingly held her hand up to her ear.

“You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you over the sound of me winning,” she mimicked his previous response.

A short pause later, Todoroki was able to regain control over his body and plopped down on the floor to the right of Ren, glancing over at her, who was patting her face down with a towel.

“That move before...” the boy questioned. “Did you learn that from the raid?”

“From the enemy’s side, yes,” she hesitantly answered, not wanting to let slip who.

“Speakin’ of enemies,” Bakugou interjected and placed a hand on his hip. “What’s the deal with you n’ birdface? I take it he’s part of your history?”

Ren rested her arms on her knees, looking up at the ash blond boy. “We’ll talk this weekend. I did promise Kiri-kun, after all. That good with you?”

Bakugou glanced at his senpai, her expression completely different from how she was weeks ago. There was a sense of peace and openness reflecting in her hazel-green eyes.

“I’ll have to let Midoriya, Ochaco and Tsuyu-chan know about it too,” she noted aloud.

“Why does that damn nerd and the extras need to be involved with this?!”

“Because I owe them my life,” Ren argued back. “So grow up and deal with it, Bakkun.”

“Don’t call me ‘Bakkun’!”

“I rather like it,” she teased with a grin and rested her index finger on her chin like Asui. “Makes me think of ‘Ba-Boom’, like your quirk,” she chuckled.

“Senpai, your arms...” Todoroki pointed out. She looked down to see her forearms decorated with irritated red burn marks from Bakugou’s attack and clicked her tongue in annoyance.

“Bakkun!” She yelled and held her arms up for him to see. “You’re treating this right now!”

“What the hell?! You told me not to hold back!” he retorted.

“You’re still treating it,” the girl demanded and pouted like a child. “And you have to kiss it to make it feel better.”

“Like hell I’m gonna do somethin’ idiotic like that,” he grumbled and grabbed the first aid kit beside him. He carefully lathered aloe vera ointment on her right forearm, feeling the cool sensation sink into her pores. While Bakugou tended to the other limb, Todoroki unconsciously held his right palm over the already treated one.

A gentle chill emitted from his hand, sending a wave of goosebumps up Ren’s entire arm. She stared at him in awe while he concentrated. His head tilted up the moment she let out a small sneeze that sounded like a mouse squeaking.

“Sorry, was it too cold?” he asked with a tone of concern.

“Just a little,” she sheepishly replied with a tiny chatter coming from her teeth and sniffled. “But it felt nice.”

“I’ll hold back on your left then,” he verbally noted and tended to it.

“If you two morons are done gawking at each other like lovesick puppies, I’m heading out,” Bakugou listlessly spoke and got up off of the floor, shoving his hands in his pocket.

“Bakkun,” Ren called once more, making him turn around. She flashed him a grateful smile and said, “Thanks for not holding back and treating my arms.”

A splash of red dotted his cheeks and urged him to quickly turned back, merely acknowledging her with a gruff grunt.

–

The weekend came quicker than Ren expected and started getting nervous. She was picking at an invisible hangnail on her finger, staring at the box on the floor still. Ren mentioned in passing to Tomoe and Seri about what she was going to do, only to be met with an understanding and concerned look. Before they could say anything, she reassured them it was fine; their trust was forged in the fires of battle with her.

Perhaps she should’ve asked them to be here for moral support and inwardly groaned.

A soft rap of the door jolted her brain back and swallowed hard.

“Here goes nothing...” she whispered to herself and opened her door and invited her guests in.

#mha spoilers #bnha spoilers #todoroki shouto #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #deku #mha oc #bnha oc #mha season 4 #bnha season 4 #bnha midoriya #mha midoriya #mha bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugo katsuki #mha todoroki #bnha todoroki

5 notes · View notes

leigh-kelly · 6 years ago

Text

If the Fates Allow: Part 3/13

Thirteen part Christmas fic loosely based on Life As We Know It. After Santana and Brittany’s best friends die, leaving their two kids behind, the ex-girlfriends are forced to move in together and raise their godchildren.

Part 1 Part 2

February:

The tensions loosened up a little with Brittany and Santana breathed a sigh of relief. They were still consciously avoiding each other when the kids weren’t present, but they started doing things like dinner and bedtime together, figuring it would set a better routine for Ava and JJ than if they kept alternating. Often, Santana thought about the fact that they had been together from the time they were in high school until the time they were twenty-eight and they were capable of being in sync, even if it felt really difficult given their current situation. Of course, Santana was dreading telling Brittany that she had Valentine’s Day plans, hoping it didn’t upset the tentative peace between them.

Two days before, Santana decided she finally had to talk to Brittany. She knew that she probably should have given her some more notice, in case she also had plans that she hadn’t told her about, but Santana was kind of into this girl from work and she really wanted to take her out for Valentine’s Day. It had been awhile since she had any kind of feelings for anyone and scoring a date for February 14th was kind of a big deal. So, while JJ was in his high chair and Ava was still upstairs getting dressed, Santana approached Brittany in the kitchen.

“Hey, um, so I kind of have plans for Wednesday night.” She wrung her hands in front of her body, bracing herself for Brittany to react poorly. “I was hoping you didn’t mind having the kids on your own that night.”

“Oh. Yeah, I mean…it’s Valentine’s Day, so I should have assumed you had plans.”

“And you don’t?”

“Well, dating is kind of the last thing on my mind right now.”

“That’s not—”

“I’m not saying it as an attack.” Brittany shook her head. “I’m just thinking out loud.”

“So you don’t care?”

“Why would I care? We’ve been broken up for two years.”

“I mean about having the kids.”

“Oh.” Brittany pursed her lips. “No, I don’t care about having the kids.”

On Valentine’s Day, Santana worked from home. She closed her laptop at 4:30 and went to pick up JJ from daycare and Ava from aftercare. She’d bought each of them little Valentine’s Day presents and she let them open them up while she waited for Brittany to go home from work. Ava was upset that she wasn’t going to be home for bedtime, but Santana promised her that she’d read two stories to her the next night, placating her a little bit. When Brittany came home, she went upstairs and started getting ready, spending a lot of time in the shower shaving and exfoliating. It had been awhile since she’d been on a date and she was really excited about it, even though she wasn’t exactly expecting it to be more than dinner, especially because she had to make it home by seven-am to help with breakfast and getting the kids off for their day. Still though, she prepared just in case.

She kissed Ava and JJ goodbye and she got in her car. Part of her thought about just taking an Uber into the city, but she liked the control of having her car and maybe she was a little old fashioned and liked the idea of picking a girl up for a date. Wendy was cute, she wanted to impress her, and she thought that pulling up in her expensive car might do exactly that. She never exactly had much game, but she was really trying to change that, figuring that since dating was going to be more difficult and would essentially involve Brittany’s approval every time she went out, she’d have to be super impressive to make girls like her.

“I can’t believe you’re raising two kids.” Wendy smiled at her once they were seated at the restaurant. “That must have really thrown you for a loop.”

“I’m still processing my friends dying, to be honest.” Santana shook her head. “The kids are kind of a distraction from it.”

“You know, if this were a rom com, you’d totally be falling for Brittany right now.”

“I’m—” Santana took a breath, thinking about how she’d never actually stopped falling for her. “That’s not going to be a problem.”

Santana’s phone rang before the appetizers came. She looked at it, saw that it was Brittany and hit ignore. She rolled her eyes a little, unsure of why Brittany would feel the need to interrupt her date, but then she thought that maybe she wasn’t as fine with it as she said. Truth be told, she probably would have tried to interrupt a date that Brittany was on, but then she shoved her phone in the pocket of her coat and listened to Wendy tell a story about coming out in college. She was really enjoying her date, so when the phone rang for the third time, she started to get irritated. There was absolutely no reason that Brittany should be calling her so many times, she’d said she was fine with the date, so she figured she was just going to answer the phone and tell her to stop bothering her.

“Just give me one second, I have to get this.” Santana hit the answer button and put the phone to her ear. “Hello?”

“I called you three times.” Brittany snapped.

“Yeah, and I’m on a date.”

“I’m at the hospital with Ava.”

“What?” Santana inhaled sharply, feeling panic rise up in her and instantly feeling bad for ignoring the calls. “What happened?”

“She was jumping on the bed and she fell off. Just…can you get here?”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“So was that the call?” Wendy asked, looking forlorn. “Not having a good time, so you have to go?”

“No, Wendy, I promise, it’s not like that at all and I’ll totally make this up to you, I swear.” Santana stood up, putting on her coat and leaning over to kiss Wendy’s cheek. “Ava’s in the hospital. I just have to go.”

Santana tossed her credit card at their waiter, telling him to put whatever Wendy wanted on the bill and then she raced out of the restaurant and to get her car from the valet. She had never been so glad in her life that there wasn’t traffic as she sped, weaving in and out of lanes, to the hospital. When she got there, the receptionist directed her to the emergency room and she found Brittany sitting on the side of a small bed holding Ava’s hand as the little girl clutched her arm to her chest sobbing. Santana’s heart broke, thinking of how much Ava had already been through and she hated the fact that she hadn’t been there to help right away.

“They haven’t seen her yet?” Santana demanded, looking between Ava and Brittany.

“Aunt Santana, my arm hurts.” Ava cried.

“They’re really backed up tonight, apparently Valentine’s Day is a big night in the ER with s-e-x injuries.”

“Oh, fuck that. Someone’s going to see her, and they’re going to see her now.”

Leaving Brittany and Ava behind the curtain, Santana stormed off to find a doctor. When she came across an intern, she threatened his life and then dragged him to Ava’s little cubicle. He looked stunned, but Santana didn’t care. She wasn’t going to let her niece cry in pain while other people were being treated and she hovered over the intern as he inspected Ava’s arm.

“That hurts!” She screamed as he touched her and Santana felt Brittany hold the back of her dress as she went to lunge toward him.

“It looks like we’re going to have to take some really cool pictures of the inside of your arm.” The intern told Ava. “Have you ever seen your bones before?”

“Nuh uh.”

“Well I’m going to take you down to the x-ray room and then we’ll check it out.”

Santana and Brittany both stayed by Ava’s side as she was x-rayed, Brittany telling Santana that she had called Cassidy’s mom to watch JJ after Ava fell. Santana was completely impatient as they waited for the results of the x-rays, but then another doctor, one who looked much older than the intern, came in to tell them that it looked like Ava was going to need surgery. Shaken up, Santana held back her tears and looked at Brittany, who nodded to the doctor confirming that they consented to it. Ava screamed and yelled as she was wheeled away from Brittany and Santana, but they kept promising her that she was going to be fine, that she was going to go to sleep for a little while and they’d be waiting for her as soon as she was done.

“This is all my fault.” Santana lamented, sinking down into a chair in the waiting room. “I’m the one who let her jump on the bed when you kept telling her no.”

“It’s not your fault.” Brittany shook her head, though Santana could almost tell that she was itching to say I told you so. “Kids jump on beds, you can’t blame yourself.”

“She’s having surgery, Brittany. She’s just a baby, she’s lost her parents this year and now she’s in there scared and alone. And I didn’t answer your calls because I was annoyed at you that you were interrupting my stupid date.”

“Look, are we going to do this self-pity thing all night? Because I’m exhausted and honestly don’t have the energy for it. It’s no one’s fault, Santana. Leave it at that.”

“You’re scared.”

“Of course I’m scared. I’m terrified. She’s in there having surgery and there’s nothing I can do to keep her safe. All of my rules and routines don’t matter.”

“They matter.” Santana murmured. “You’re the one keeping order in the house while I’m just…trying to keep my head above water.”

“I’m trying to keep my head above water too, you know. I don’t sleep at night, all I do is think about how we lost them and how much it hurts. I just…really try not to show it.”

“You’ve always been the stronger one.”

“Not showing it doesn’t make me strong, it makes me scared.” Tears glistened in Brittany’s eyes. “It’s like, if I start crying, I’m never going to stop. I know you were closer to them than I was…”

“They loved you, Brittany. When I went there after we broke up, Cass made it clear that they weren’t picking sides, that you were always going to be just as important in their lives as I was. That you were Ava’s aunt and they loved you just as much as they loved me.”

“She said that?”

“She did. I was pretty pissed at her for it, to be honest, but she made it work. I think…if they’d chosen someone to raise the kids after we broke up, it would have been you. I was always dependent on Cassidy to be my rock when things were falling apart after…I knowyou were the one who would plan things with the kids and actually be a better friend than I was.”

“I wouldn’t know what to do with Ava if you weren’t around. JJ is easy, he’s just a baby and he’s not grieving like Ava is, but you get her. She’s really only calm when you’re around. That’s why I needed you here tonight.”

“I hardly even comforted her. I was so pissed about the doctors taking so long to get to her.” Santana sighed.

“She knows that’s how you love people. You were able to get that intern when I couldn’t and you’ll be there when she wakes up.” Brittany yawned.

“You really are tired. Do you want to…borrow my shoulder and sleep for a little while?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“It’s just a shoulder, Brittany. I don’t bite.”

Brittany debated for a few seconds before she leaned her head on Santana’s shoulder and promptly fell asleep. It always impressed Santana how she could sleep anywhere and she tried not to move once Brittany was sleeping. She had to push down her feelings about the situation, reminding herself that it was just a shoulder, it was just…a friend offering a friend some comfort when things weren’t going well. She tried not to think of all the times on the Cheerios bus in high school where Brittany slept like that, all the times on the subway after they’d gotten to New York, all the things that reminded her of the feelings she shouldn’t still be having. She was still mad at Brittany for their breakup, that was for sure, but she also just hadn’t been able to put aside the feelings she had, no matter how much time had passed.

When the doctor came out a few hours later, Santana gently shook Brittany awake. Brittany stood up quickly, not meeting Santana’s eyes, probably regretting the fact that they’d just done that, and they followed the doctor back to the recovery room. Ava looked so small in the hospital bed and her eyes were still closed. Santana walked to the side of the bed and picked up her little hand. Slowly, Ava blinked her eyes open and she whimpered out in pain.

“Aunt Santana?”

“I’m here, honey.”

“Aunt Brittany?”

“I’m here too.”

“I want to go home.”

“Just a little while longer and the doctor will come tell us we can take you home.” Santana promised. “So soon.”

Once the doctor signed the discharge papers, Santana helped Brittany get Ava into her car. It was tough getting her in the car seat because of the cast on her arm and she screamed as they were getting her in. Santana felt really bad about leaving her, but she had to go back to her own car, she had to drive home. She followed behind Brittany home and when they got in the driveway, Santana jumped out of the car and went to Brittany’s. Ava screamed again and Santana carried her inside, bringing her upstairs so they could change her into her pajamas and get her into bed. Brittany stayed behind for a few minutes to talk to Cassidy’s mom and thank her for staying with JJ, but Santana was so wrapped up in Ava that she couldn’t even thank her. Santana got her settled into the bed and sat on the edge, stroking her hair until she fell asleep.

“I didn’t thank you for coming tonight.” Brittany stood in the doorway. “Or apologize for interrupting your date.”

“It was Ava, I wasn’t not going to come.” Santana shrugged. “It’s whatever. I’m going to check on JJ.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Santana.”

“Goodnight, Brittany.”

#brittana #if the fates allow #itfa

73 notes · View notes

michaelmyersmalewife · 5 years ago

Text

LEVIATHAN | 13. The Longest Night | MASTERLIST

words: 12k+

A/N: lemme just say beforehand that im so sorry for writing this absolute behemoth of a chapter so get yourself comfy and make a snack bc this is a doozy

you can also support this fic on wattpad & ao3

Madison was paralyzed, trapped in Ghidorah's gaze.

He smelled like fried wires and the sky just before a thunderstorm. Something like batteries gathered in her throat. His entire presence was suffocating. She wondered how Elena could handle it.

It couldn't end here. Not now, not when she had come so far. Their only chance at survival was to get rid of the ORCA - for good. If she held onto the machine, the dragon would crush her - all of them. Maybe if they gave it up to him, they'd have a chance to escape. But there was also a chance it would cause the rest of the titans to fall back under his spell once more, but it was a chance she felt she was forced to take. The hope that Monarch had made good use of the time they'd try to buy them was the only thing reassuring her.

"Elena," she said, not breaking eye contact with the monster. "Throw it."

Elena hadn't moved. Looking over at her, she looked paralyzed, eyes wide with terror and glued directly at Ghidorah. She wasn't sure if it was due to the rain or fear, but she was shaking. Madison shook her arm.

"Snap out of it, you need to get rid of the ORCA!"

Elena could barely feel the girl's attempts at rousing her from her daze. All the woman could see was a sprawling yellow void, suspended among nothing but golden clouds. Ghidorah hovered before her, lightning crackling around his body as all heads zeroed in on her.

We tried not to hold it against you, -

- but you really are a nuisance.

You were a waste of a Speaker

You think I asked to be connected to a giant egomaniac?

Oh, cry me a river.

This would be much easier for us if you stopped fighting.

It's not like there's anyone that can help you

What's the point of all this anyway? What could you possibly gain from any of this?

A tiny thing like you couldn't understand

Try me

Not seeing any response from Elena, Madison's face scrunched together in frustration, tugging the ORCA from her hands. That seemed to snap her out of it, but at that same moment, the crackling of Ghidorah's internal light sparked above them, and immediately she tossed it as far as she could. The ORCA landed in a pile of rubble right in front of his massive talons. One of his heads broke their fixed gaze, looking down and considering it for a moment with an irritated glare before bringing his foot down. The ORCA stopped its hum.

She hoped that was good enough, that that would sate his anger.

But it didn't. Signal or no signal, he knew Elena. He knew them all now, their faces burned into his collective memory. Hell, he probably knew who she and the Regulator were since Antarctica. If Madison's connection to Godzilla wasn't enough for him to deal with, Elena had pestered him one time too many. All three heads focused on their forms, lazily moving forward on serpentine necks like they were in no rush to destroy them. He was studying them, trying to figure out how they had done it, how such tiny creatures could have caused the collapse of his whole kingdom.

Madison wanted to run, but there was nowhere else for her to go. This was it. The lightning rippled up his body, splitting into three different pathways as it traveled up his necks and he began opening his mouths. The crackling energy was nearly spilling through his teeth.

Bracing for the end, she felt a hand grasp hers.

It was Elena. And for the first time being around the three-headed dragon - rain whipping around her, thunder and lightning splitting the sky open - she did not look afraid. Ghidorah didn't seem too happy about that, and each of his heads shrieked like three banshees.

But standing with Elena, Godzilla's presence somewhere in the back of her mind, Madison did not feel small. Something gathered in her heart, something defiant - primal. And staring straight into the Golden Demise's eyes, she screamed with all the fury of a titan.

Madison knew that that was likely her last action as a not-pile-of-ashes, and she didn't feel a shred of regret over it. Hands curling into fists, she braced for the end. Until suddenly, from behind them, a beam of blue energy knocked Ghidorah back and through the stadium wall, the force sending him skidding across the street and into a building.

They all stood there for a moment, staring at the fallen monster, confused and awestruck of the power that had sent him tumbling. Then the ground began to shake beneath their feet, rhythmic footsteps coming ever closer.

And then there was the roar.

Am I late? Godzilla's thoughts rippled through her mind.

Madison turned around, eyes blinking through the rain and hair that now plastered her face. She grinned, feeling a sudden, savage glee.

Go kick his ass, she thought.

Don't need to tell me twice, little titan, he replied.

And better yet, he wasn't alone. As he waded through the harbor and past the buildings around him, he was accompanied by a cavalry of jets and ships whizzing past him in droves. Only they weren't shooting at him. It almost looked like he was leading them, like they had all come together for a common purpose: fighting the Golden Demise.

She felt something tug at her heart, something exciting. It was the best part of her mother's vision come to life, humans and titans working together.

Only - out of pure bad luck - they had been caught right in the middle of the oncoming chaos. A battleground straight out of some ancient apocalypse. And the only thing that filled her mind was a single thought.

Run.

_____

The Argo, guided by an onslaught of Ospreys, followed Godzilla as he stomped his way through Boston, flattening cars and crashing through buildings as if they were nothing but cardboard boxes.

Jodie peered out of the large window and at the city, or what she could see of it. Most of it was blanketed in a dense fog that spilled over the tops of buildings and through the streets. Toward the front of the control room, she saw Graham pull Serizawa's notebook out of her pocket, flipping it open. She had already lost count of how many times the doctor had run through that same motion during the flight. She couldn't blame her. Looking at the old and worn notebook, it felt like Serizawa was with them too. She wished with all her heart that he had lived to see this, the vindication of his vision: Godzilla and humanity coming together to fight against a common enemy, trying to make things right. To know that his sacrifice had not been in vain.

And thanks to Mark's discovery, they had managed to track the ORCA's signal to Fenway Park. Emma must have been using its loudspeakers to boost the signal. Evidently, it had worked. Maybe a little too well, as it had brought Ghidorah straight to Boston. The signal had cut out just moments ago, and Jodie could only think of the worst. Ghidorah must have reached the stadium. Were Emma and Madison still there? Or did they have the common sense to cut it off and get the hell out of there before it was too late? But that also begged another question. Were the extremists with them?

But they were just the start of her worries. Through the seething clouds and lightning, Godzilla and Ghidorah were nothing but black silhouettes against a background of destruction. Ghidorah stood his ground as Godzilla charged toward him, roaring so loudly windows on nearby buildings shattered from its intensity. Ghidorah responded, all three of his heads trilling with anger as they smoothly galloped toward the lizard, quickly gaining speed. This was about to get brutal, and if San Francisco had been of any indication, not much of Boston was likely to survive it.

"Okay, we've zeroed in on the last ping from the ORCA. Fenway park, dead ahead. We'll lay cover fire to keep Ghidorah distracted." he turned to Jodie. "Good luck out there."

She nodded. Jodie, Mark and the rest of G-Team headed to the Argo's hangar for one of the few remaining Ospreys. Graham closed the notebook.

This is it, Jodie thought. The last stand. If Ghidorah won, this time they were done for sure. There weren't enough ships and aircraft in the world that could challenge him. And to make matters worse, seconds after the ORCA signal cut out, the titans they still had tracking information on began moving again. Moving toward Boston. They had to put Ghidorah down before his reinforcements arrived. Just five years ago, Godzilla had managed to take down two MUTOs, but he had nearly died doing so. But up against twelve, thirteen, maybe more titans all at once?

His chances were looking slim.

Godzilla was already closing in on his ancient rival, and what remained of their aircraft were about to engage, and the ships were readying their long-range canons. And Godzilla, he seemed..brighter. In every sense of the word. The pulses from his scutes grew more radiant every second, shining up and down in a similar manner to his intimidation display. And his skin was shining in the moonlight too. He looked more powerful than the last time she had seen him. A lot more powerful.

"Well he's looking lively." she commented.

"Is it just me," Sam asked. "Or has he been working out?"

"You kidding me?" Stanton replied. "Serizawa got that lizard juiced."

"Damn right." Foster said.

"Colonel," one of the bridge officers said. "All squadrons are locked on target."

Foster, Chen and Graham exchanged glances, and then turned their collective gazes out at Ghidorah. Jodie knew exactly how they felt. It was hard to get her to hate any creature, but she felt nothing but contempt for that three-headed monstrosity. Her mind flashed back to the sea full of wreckage, the hundreds - thousands - of people that had already died trying to stop this unholy thing.

With an austere gaze, Graham stared at the oncoming battle. "For Serizawa."

A hundred trails of fire scorched across the sky.

_____

Nearly every missile that had been dropped was a direct hit.

Ghidorah shrieked in irritation, shielding himself from the oncoming fire with one of his wings. Elena's neck strained from looking up at the sky, rain still pelting her face and gluing long strands of hair across her face. At least a dozen jets were whizzing right above them, dropping all they had on the golden dragon right in front of them.

Each of his three heads broke through the smoke and fog, zeroing in on the mountainous lizard as they charged at each other. As the titans collided, the resulting shock wave of their massive bodies slamming together shook the ground.

Taking Madison's hand and pulling at the Regulator's shoulder, they ran.

That quiet moment in the stadium's booth, looking out the window into an abandoned city, seemed an eternity ago. Boston had turned into a warzone, a battle between the gods.

Everything around her was burning - bricks and steel rained from the sky. Even running as fast as she could, they still hadn't managed to get out of the combat zone. The titans were just too big. She felt like an insect scrambling to get out from underfoot of a couple of wrestlers. For every hundred feet they covered, the titans could cover that distance in a single step. She was afraid that they would, but they didn't even notice her anymore, but that didn't matter. The missiles and jets didn't know they were there either, all of those rounds they were shooting at Ghidorah were also raining down all around her.

One of the dragon's tails sliced through a skyscraper as he stumbled backward, ripping through its steel-beam skeleton as if it were paper, spraying a curtain of debris down at them. They desperately weaved their way through it, Madison shrieking as a piece of rubble connected with her arm. It was quickly becoming harder to dodge it all - frantically falling, rolling, springing back to their feet as the earth beneath them shook with each footstep from the titans not too far away.

Every direction around them seemed closed off by either the titans themselves or mountains of ruin, and the fight was about to roll right over them. Again.

Suddenly, there was a roar from something that wasn't a giant monster. Elena's gaze was drawn to the sky. A giant aircraft broke through the clouds, and for a moment she thought it was the Controller, until she saw that it was a flat craft rather than spherical, complete with a Monarch logo emblazoned on its side. She chuckled in disbelief. As the craft shot by, it spattered Ghidorah with missiles, driving him away from them.

That seemed like a good thing to her at first, but she could feel a panic setting in, and looking down at the girl trembling in her arms she could tell that it had taken over her as well. They had made it out of too many near misses, and luck couldn't keep them safe for long. At any second they could be under falling chunks of building, or a missile that missed its mark. Not even the Speaker's Connection could keep them from accidentally getting squashed like a bug.

Madison could feel herself starting to hyperventilate, despite trying to control her breathing. She was shivering, the cold from the rain and the adrenaline running through her veins taking hold of the most primitive part of her mind. Run. Hide. Keep running. Don't stop moving until you're out of the crossfire. But there was no safe zone, not for miles. As she let herself be pushed and pulled by Elena and the Regulator, she kept remembering Andrew, how he had looked when they found him. They needed to get somewhere safe. Fast.

Fighting to keep the air from running out of her lungs, she tugged on Elena's arm.

"O-Over - Over here." she struggled to push the words out of her mouth, but hopefully the woman had been able to hear her.

Together, the trio ran on.

_____

Mere yards outside of the Osprey, Godzilla wrestled with the three-headed monster.

Jodie watched as Ghidorah crackled with energy, charging up for another shot of yellow lightning. Countless missiles speared past them, their warheads opening on the dragon like flowers. He flinched back, Godzilla slamming into him head-on once again. Ghidorah was getting pummeled, wings splaying out to keep his balance. Their roars mixed together in one loud cry as Godzilla took one of his heads in his claws, ruthlessly tugging it down and slamming it into the ground below them.

"Hang on!" the pilot yelled as she weaved past Ghidorah's flailing tails, banking hard to avoid the flaming remains of missiles and fallen aircraft.

Blood rushed to Jodie's head, and every organ in her body did somersaults. The Osprey was almost on its side, and the window she had found herself pressed against was facing the flaming city below. She swallowed a scream as Griffin got them clear from the titan and righted the vessel, bringing them back around to a view of the fight as Godzilla impaled Ghidorah's tails with his dorsal spines. All three heads shrieked in pain. Griffin circled the Osprey around the brawl, dropping toward what was left of the stadium.

"Whoa," Jodie observed, catching her breath. "Dude's lit up like a Christmas tree."

Through the smoke, Mark followed her gaze. Godzilla was pulsing with a fiery orange light, the air around him distorting with heat waves. It was faint, and every now and then it would be drained out by his regular blue light, but something about the colorful display put a jolt of dread in her heart. That was definitely new. To Jodie's knowledge, nothing like this had ever been observed.

Jodie turned on the handheld radio at her side.

"Stanton, are you guys seeing this?"

"Oh we're seeing it," Stanton said. "But definitely not liking it."

There was a pause. Jodie could almost see him going over the readings on his screen. Suddenly, the Osprey's speakers crackled and Stanton's voice sounded through the whole craft.

"Godzilla's radiation levels are going through the roof. We've got about twelve minutes before he goes thermonuclear."

"What do you mean?" Jodie called over the noise outside.

The Osprey shook as thunder and lightning sounded around them.

"I'm sayin' in about twelve minutes it's gonna be a bad day to be a Red Sox fan."

Coleman's voice took over the radio. "Okay guys, you need to find the ORCA, grab Madison and get the hell out of there. Whatever Serizawa did to Godzilla worked a little too well, because he's about to explode like an atom bomb."

As if their time wasn't already limited enough. Mark looked around the Osprey with furrowed brows. Outside, the Boston skyline was burning, and the two titans were still going at it as hard as their bodies could allow. Jodie took in a deep breath.

"Roger that," Barnes answered. "Prepare for landing."

Mark moved to the front of the Osprey, Jodie following. The red glow around them made everything feel even more hellish than it already was, what with Ghidorah and Godzilla's roars bellowing just outside like heralds of doom. Her heart was hammering in her chest as the craft dropped down. Behind her, Martinez crossed himself, Barnes closing his eyes in a silent prayer. The others - men and women she didn't even know the names of - were steeling themselves as they prepared to run out in a prehistoric battleground. Preparing to die, if that's what was coming. And looking around at the chaos surrounding them, it seemed a fair guess that some or all of them would. Jodie felt a lump gather in her throat.

"You didn't have to come with me, y'know." Mark said.

"And what, miss out on all the fun?" she said sardonically.

Truthfully, she knew that she could've stayed aboard the Argo without a problem. And a part of her wanted to go back, even if it was too late for second thoughts. But after all this time, she had survived the impossible. Maybe she could share some of that luck with the people around her, as ridiculous as that sounded. Jodie had always been just a little superstitious.

In that moment the Osprey bumped down onto the ruined field at Fenway Park, and one by one the soldiers marched out. But Ghidorah's golden lightning struck, and the first two out the door were incinerated, their lives cut short in less than a heartbeat. Jodie swallowed a shriek. It was beyond horrifying, but the others ahead of her piled out anyway, Jodie were right behind them. Mark leaped out of the Osprey, nearly tripping over the rubble that covered the field.

Jodie had only been to Boston once or twice, but even now Fenway Park was near unrecognizable. Much of the stadium was torn to shreds, walls caving in and benches hanging on by steel threads. Next to her, Mark was staring at what was most likely the broadcasting booth, or at least where it should have been. Emma and Madison must've found a way to patch the ORCA into its sound system, but it seemed that Ghidorah had figured that out too.

The solider's flashlights barely cut through the fog and floating debris, but even then she still saw one of Ghidorah's talons land right ahead of her with an earth-shaking thud. Her gaze trailed upward, and right next to them Godzilla was swatting away the heads that lurched forward, jaws persistently snapping at the lizard. With a sneer, Godzilla spun around, tail roughly slamming into Ghidorah's side as the dragon stumbled off balance. Yet another building went down with them.

Mark and Jodie both called out Madison and Emma's names, but the sound barely carried over the fight just yards away. Behind them, one of Ghidorah's heads became trapped underneath Godzilla's clawed foot, jaws snapping desperately as his windpipe was being crushed with every second the lizard stood firm.

Jodie stopped to cough something nasty, the smoke in the air stinging her lungs. There had been nothing resembling an answer thus far, only G-Team moving around them, searching the debris. Other than themselves, Jodie didn't see anyone else - living or dead.

As they fanned their search, Godzilla and Ghidorah's fight was just getting started. Jagged streaks of lightning surged all around them, along with a flaming meteor storm of fallen aircraft. The smell of burning jet fuel filled the air.

They're not here, she thought. What if they were never here? Emma might've come by herself, maybe she left the kid somewhere safe.

But they couldn't stop looking now. If they weren't here, where else could they look? Their options were slim, and this was the best - the only lead they had. There was a chance they had made it to a nearby bunker but Monarch had already sent a squad to scope that out.

Her train of thought stopped when she suddenly felt an odd, mechanical crunch under her shoes. She looked down, eyes widening when she saw what it was.

The ORCA lay inches beyond the edge of the field of debris, crushed into the contours of a giant foot. And it wasn't looking too hot.

"Over here!" she shouted from across the stadium.

Mark and one of the soldiers rushed over to his side, fearing the worst. But as they got closer, just ahead of them was an explosion, sending Mark flying to the ground. Jodie pulled the ORCA from the rubble, running toward them the rest of the way. Mark looked confused as she approached them, head tilting just slightly when he saw the jumbled piece of something in her arms.

"It's not your daughter, but.." Jodie said, voice trailing off as she handed the machine over to Mark.

He turned it over in his hands, studying it. Attached to its side by a frayed wire was what looked like a headpiece. And while the whole thing was pretty banged up and singed, it wasn't completely destroyed.

Jodie's eyes narrowed as she looked at it, questioning. If Emma had hooked it up to the stadium and taken off, what was it doing down here? If anything, it should've been in the smoking hole where the broadcast booth was. Something wasn't adding up, and it made her uneasy.

But there was no time to think further when the ground rumbled again, smoke suddenly surging up from beneath them. Godzilla and Ghidorah were above them, still locked in battle. The lizard swatted the dragon's incessant necks as they tried gaining any purchase on the titan. With a push, Ghidorah stumbled back, but then the middle head reared backward, springing forth like a coiled snake and sinking his jaws into Godzilla's neck. As Godzilla was about to rip the center head from his throat, the other two heads at his side sprung forward as well. The right head followed, pinning Godzilla's left shoulder, and then the left head, pinning his right arm. The titan let out of a groan of pain as Ghidorah pushed down with all his strength.

"We gotta go!" Barnes yelled, suddenly coming up from behind them as he pushed them away from the brawl.

The titans were stumbling their way, fast.

Jodie felt one of the soldiers grab her, hustling her toward the Osprey. But before they could get any more than a few feet, one of Ghidorah's talons stomped down on the aircraft. It exploded, sending them all reeling back and adding to the mass of flames that already surrounded them. Jodie felt a piece of debris cut across her cheek.

Squinting, trying to push herself up from the ground, she saw Ghidorah hover a few meters above the ground, wings flapping slowly as Godzilla continued to struggle, jaws twisted open in a continuous cry of pain. Then the dragon slammed him back to the ground, pushing him forward into another street, the pavement below them shooting up like crumbs. The titan's cries stopped, Godzilla rearing up and blasting Ghidorah with his atomic breath, knocking the dragon right back toward them.

So much for luck, she thought.

But in that moment, Ghidorah skidded to a stop, the center head drawing away from the fire that poured over his chest and toward the sky. The right head followed his gaze. And then the left.

There was a light in the sky, breaking through the thick cover of clouds. It looked like a sun, but amidst the chaos Jodie heard a familiar song.

Bursting down from above was an unmistakable blue radiance, followed by broad oval-shaped wings that swept back. A pair of amber eye markings glowed at its ends, and for a brief moment Jodie was reminded of Godzilla's eyes.

With a sonic boom of melodious cries, Mothra dove into Ghidorah like a hawk diving down on a snake. As she swung past the dragon, webbing jetted from her jaws, stopping Ghidorah mid-fall and sticking all three of his heads to a skyscraper.

As Mothra gathered speed, what sounded like a teasing laugh chittered from her mandibles as she watched Ghidorah's right head break free. He glared at her with hatred in his eyes as he tried desperately to tear through the webbing that still trapped his struggling brothers. But suddenly, he stopped, seeing Godzilla's reflection rapidly approaching through the building's glass windows. He turned around and trilled in defiance as Godzilla plowed into him, knocking them both clean through the building. Godzilla looked down at the fallen dragon with a reptilian smirk, cheekily huffing out a hot puff of hair. Mothra joined him, swooping back in for the finishing blow.

Ghidorah trilled, not in defeat, but something just as desperate. He was calling for something.

Pulling her wings close together as she dove, she reared up her pointed limbs, preparing to attack. But before she could get any closer, a low roar came out of seemingly nowhere - it was Rodan, bursting from the clouds as a trail of fire sprinkled from the tips of his wings. Mothra cried out in shock, having no time to counter the surprise jump. Like some ancient, vengeful god, he speared straight for her, abruptly tearing her from her flight path. Half-molten wings folded back, he struck her like a meteor, wrapping her in the furnace of his wings. She shrilled in agony as the soft down on her body caught fire. They were a tangle of limbs before Mothra tore at him with her claws, the two of them soaring into buildings. With a push, she broke free, dodging Rodan's beak as he snapped at her.

Glancing back at Godzilla, still trying to keep Ghidorah on the ground, Mothra steeled herself. Once again, she slammed into Rodan, the two spiraling downward. Ghidorah was already a handful, and she had to keep the fiery bird distracted, whatever it took.

Finally, Jodie, Mark and the G-Team were alone on the field. Or what was left of them. Still reeling from the sudden spike in action, Jodie took a head count. Besides Mark, there wasn't much left of G-Team besides Barnes, Martinez and Griffin. And Griffin looked hurt. The rest of the team was just gone without a trace.

And with the Osprey gone, she didn't have a lot of hope that they would fare any better. Flames and steam jetted from the ground, as if the rain of debris wasn't enough. Barnes and Martinez helped Griffin to her feet with gritted teeth, eyes wrenched shut in pain. They had no choice but to walk. But where? The stadium was an inferno with them in the middle, columns of fire licking at the sky. Any direction they went would end with them in torches, but they had to do something. Fast. Maybe there was a weak point in the wall of fire, they could run through it. But Griffin's leg..

But then, out of nowhere, something burst from through the other side of the flames.

It was a banged up jeep that had definitely seen better days, and at the wheel was Emma Russell.

"Get in!" she yelled.

No one moved. Jodie and the others exchanged suspicious glances. She didn't blame them. As much as she wanted to trust her, to believe that she had a change of heart, she was the one that caused all this. Just as Mark was about to open his mouth to say something in response until Mothra and Rodan - whos limbs were still locked together as they rolled through the air - knocked a jet out of the sky. It crashed directly behind them, the resulting explosion sending a hail of debris their way.

"GET IN!" she repeated.

That definitely ended their hesitation in an instant, as all of them jumbled into the car, Mark taking the passenger's seat with the ORCA still in his hand. Jodie folded herself into the trunk as the remnants of G-Team packed together in the back seat. It was an uncomfortable fit, but now wasn't the time to be picky.

In the muffled shelter the car provided, Jodie felt her heart hammering in her ears. She was still unsure that this was all happening, and not the last hallucination of someone currently dying in the rubble. But dream or reality, they still had a mission to carry out.

"Where's Madison?" Mark asked.

"I don't know, I thought she was there!" Emma replied. Jodie's heart sunk.

Above them, a chunk of aircraft crashed into a building, sending another wave of debris hurtling their way. Emma swerved sharply to avoid it, the side of Jodie's head roughly connecting with the back of the car. She grit her teeth, rubbing away the dull pain. That was gonna bruise.

"Well, she's not there!" Mark yelled.

Emma swerved again, avoiding a chunk of building blocking more than half of the road. Griffin held in a scream as her injured leg hit the back of the driver's seat.

"Jesus, take it easy!" Barnes shouted as he tried to put as much pressure on the bleeding wound as he could.

"Here -" Jodie unbuckled the thin belt from her pants, shoving it into Martinez's hands. With a silent nod of thanks, he wrapped it around her leg, fashioning a makeshift tourniquet.

"Look out!" Mark shouted.

In that same moment, Mothra and Rodan came barreling between the buildings that framed the street, knocking a helicopter out of the air as it spun out of control, exploding on the ground. Emma took a sharp turn, wheels skidding over a sidewalk.

"I hope you're as good at finding her as you are losing her." Mark continued.

"I didn't lose her - she ran away!"

"Gee, I wonder why -"

"Oh, don't even start."

"Don't start? You tried to kill me!"

As they continued bickering, Jodie exhaled, pushing the still damp curls away from her face in frustration.

"Can't blame the kid, if I had these two for parents I'd run away from home too." she said to herself.

Emma slammed on the breaks.

"What did you say?" she demanded.

Jodie bristled.

"She said, if I had the two of you for parents I'd run away from home too!" Barnes shouted. "And she's right." he muttered.

Peeking over the backseat, Jodie saw Emma turn to Mark, a look of revelation growing on their faces.

"Home." they both said at once.

Emma stepped on the gas.

_____

Madison couldn't stop crying.

With every step she took, hand wrenched around Elena's, her panic threatened to strangle off her composure. While Mothra's entrance had caused a wave of relief to wash over her, they had both seldom spoken to her during the fight. She could feel that they didn't want her to worry, but that was just the problem.

She could feel them.

Their worry, their relief, their anger, their hurt - Madison could feel it all coursing through her mind. And it was too much.

She had felt brave when she left the Controller's ship, and she'd felt brave when she brought Ghidorah to Fenway. Determination ran through her blood when Godzilla breached ashore, beginning the battle to end all battles. But now it was all too much. Too much death, anger, fear, betrayal. Too many titans.

Nothing lasts, she thought, as her shoes slapped against the puddles filling the pavement, her heart thudding loud in her ears. Nothing. Not mom and dad, not Andrew. Not me. Not Boston. The world is falling apart.

Not all is lost young Spe- , Mothra spoke before being attacked from above by Rodan once more.

Madison continued to sob.

Boston had always been her happy place, the quiet point in her memory untouched by titans. Where she and her family played bocce on the Common, making up their own rules as they went along. Where her favorite climbing tree had been in her backyard, pretending she was in the middle of an isolated jungle. Even the sushi place around the corner where Andrew always wanted to go to, where he tricked her into eating wasabi by telling her it was green frosting. The zoo, the museums, the boats on the harbor, the library where she had checked out her first book. Boston was where everything had been good.

But that place only existed in her memory now. And looking back on it, the damage had begun when they returned from San Francisco. After the funeral, the fights between her parents started. And even after her father left, it was still her home, a place that they could all come back to. But now, as she and the others fled along Beacon Street, everything around her was being torn down.

She paused. Beacon Street.

Elena skidded to a stop, and for the first time since running from the stadium she let go of her hand. The Regulator doubled back to them after having ran ahead of them.

"Why are we stopping?" Elena called over the chaos.

Madison panted, trying desperately to catch her breath. Miraculously, in the midst of the hellish destruction all around her, her old house was still there. That same little townhouse where she had spent the majority of her short life, just on the edge of the Common. If she could just reach it, despite everything, maybe they'd be okay.

"Home," she sputtered through tired lungs. "It's home."

Walking closer, they all shouted when they heard Ghidorah's shrill cry from behind them. Glancing quickly, she saw him pounce from above on top of Godzilla, a flash of blue travelling up his spine.

Don't stop running, the titan reminded her.

I'll be okay, she repeated in her mind. We'll all be okay.

As they finally reached the steps, Madison shrieked as something huge crashed behind them just yards away. An inferno with something writhing within it - wings, claws, insectile legs. It wasn't Godzilla or Ghidorah. Mothra was dragged across the ground with a flurry of embers flying up around her as she chittered in pain.

This isn't like you, Mothra said. She sounded faint, distant. As though the statement wasn't directed towards her.

Madison couldn't watch anymore. She couldn't stand to see more destruction. More death.

Elena ushered her inside, feeling the singe of flames licking at her back. Once all of them were inside, she slammed the door shut. Madison found that she couldn't move any further, all the strength draining from her legs. Madison slid down to the floor as the house began to shake.

"Madison?" Elena's voice sounded so far away.

She covered her ears, drawing her knees up to her elbows as she began to feel herself hyperventilate.

C'mon kid, don't lose your strength, Godzilla's voice echoed at the back of her mind.

But all she could hear were the titan's cries all melding together in a scream that could shatter the heavens. Madison screamed with them.

She felt a pair of hands on her shoulders.

"Hey - Hey, stay with me!"

Who was she kidding, this place was no safer than anywhere else. It was nothing more than a straw house surrounded by very big wolves. Across the room, old family photos rattled on their shelves. That family in those pictures - like her memories of Boston - only existed in her memory.

Madison could feel her vision start to black out around the edges, the only thing filling her sight were blue and yellow flashing lights filtering from the windows around her.

_____

Elena gathered Madison in her arms.

"Madison - chingada madre - if you can hear me you have to wake up!"

She didn't respond, instead, a thin trail of blood leaked from her nose. This wasn't good.

With the titans all around them, she remembered the girl mentioning hearing a voice - one that wasn't Godzilla - speaking to her back on the ship. If she was still connected to both all at once, her mind could collapse from the strain. And she wouldn't let that happen, not to someone so young.

Speed-walking toward the Regulator, she motioned to follow her. Without question, she trailed after them.

Elena weaved her way through the house, passing by a wall of family photos. Seeing a younger, happier Madison, she pressed her lips together in a thin line.

"What are you doing?" the Regulator finally spoke up.

"She's stuck." Elena said. "I don't know how she managed to stay like this for so long but she's connected herself to two different titans. Simultaneously."

Finally reaching what she was looking for, she kicked open the door to the bathroom with her leg. The trio poured in as Elena set the girl down into the tub, climbing in after her and she folded her legs close to her body.

"But what about Ghidorah?"

Elena paused, thoughts running through her mind before coming to a determined conclusion. "I have to try."

The Regulator said nothing, only nodding sharply before folding her arms. "I'd say don't do anything stupid, but it's a bit late for that now, is it?"

Elena smiled sadly, letting out a chuff of a chuckle. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes.

_____

Jodie watched from the back of the car as Godzilla slammed Ghidorah through another building. Between their missiles and a supercharged Godzilla, and Ghidorah not being able to heal as fast as he was being wounded, it looked like they were winning. The dragon looked like he was trying to fight free from Godzilla's wrath and escape again, trying to find some break in the onslaught for him to fly away. But Godzilla stayed one step ahead of him.

Silently, Jodie cheered the big lizard on.

So far, their losses were unthinkable. The fleet, all those pilots, Serizawa - all sacrificed themselves to bring them to this. A single moment that would decide the fate of humanity.

Sure there were other titans out there, but with Godzilla in charge instead of that golden maniac, if things didn't get better, maybe they would at least not get worse.

But Jodie's thoughts were interrupted when just a few streets away, Mothra and Rodan were still battling it out. Locked together in a death spiral, the winged titans crashed into a bridge. It crumpled on impact like cardboard, and fire splashed all around them, setting everything it touched ablaze.

Oh no, Jodie thought, flinching. Mothra had definitely been ready for a fight, but that had to hurt.

But then she sprang up, finding purchase on Rodan's back and slashed her claws deep into him. The firebird screeched, leaping into the air and slamming his wings down so that both of them careened through another skyscraper and vanished from her line of sight. Flames exploded from inside the building and began to rapidly hail from above. Emma dodged as much as she could, but Jodie could still hear it hammering against the roof of the car.

Behind them, Godzilla continued beating Ghidorah. He seemed to be doing alright even without Mothra's assistance. As he slammed his tail into his side once again, it sent the dragon reeling into an already crumbling building. Ghidorah flapped his wings frantically, managing to pull himself away before Godzilla snapped his jaws shut on a wing, twisting his head like a crocodile as he sent the dragon back to the ground. The resulting shock wave carried smoke and debris for a mile or two, and the car Jodie had folded herself into rattled from the impact.

Come on, finish the bastard off, big guy, she thought frantically.

Godzilla seemed to have the same thought, roaring out a beam of blue fire against the dragon's back. Ghidorah shrieked in agony. All the while, the dull orange pulsing grew brighter and brighter, mixing with his signature blue glow. As Godzilla's brilliance shone through the smoke, Ghidorah's own golden light had dimmed to a sickly intermittent yellow. He almost looked a little pathetic, flailing against the lizard with nowhere to go.

As Godzilla continued hammering his powerful shoulders against the dragon, Ghidorah was just trying to escape, not even trying to fire a beam of lightning his way. Suddenly, with a hiss, Ghidorah's right head sneered before snaking out, struggling away from his tormenter. For a second Jodie thought that he was trying to separate himself from his body, striking out on his own. And maybe he could. If the dragon could regrow an entire head, then who knew what was possible.

But it quickly became evident to Jodie that that wasn't the dragon's intention.

There was no way to warn Godzilla as Ghidorah's right head zeroed in on a sputtering power plant, showering sparks down onto the street. His maw gaping wide, he bit down on the wires. Godzilla let out a puzzled rumble.

Despite all of the damage, most of Boston and its suburbs still had power. But now, every light around them and as far as her eyes could see strobed, going dark, lighting back up for a brief second, and then dimming again as the power grid struggled to handle the sudden massive drain on the system. Jodie's eyes widened in shock.

Ghidorah blazed back to a full charge, and something like the smell of batteries filled the air. Rising to his full height, wings and heads outspread, his eldritch light began to build in his throats. Then, golden lightning gathered around him and blasted from all three heads. The bolts went wild, branching into the sky as they went from three concentrated beams of energy to a thousand fractal streams of lightning, creating a web of destruction across the sky. Even though they were on the ground, Jodie could smell the burnt air around them.

As the hundreds of branching bolts spread through the sky, jagging through and around the aircraft still somehow intact, the chain reaction continued even after Ghidorah had already subsided, leaping to every possible object in the air. As the energy arced through the sky, pilots were electrocuted and engines were fried, burning down into the city below. Dozens of aircraft were gone in seconds.

There was a flash of gold in front of the car, but at least they were spared of being struck. Jodie took slow, deliberate breaths as she tried to get her pulse to ease up. Toward the front of the car, she could hear a cacophony of curses.

Even Godzilla was knocked from his feet, letting out a cry of shock and pain as he was hurled through the harbor and into a shipyard, stopping himself with a clawed arm that had dug deep into a skyscraper.

Jodie could feel the hair standing on end as she saw the titan catch his breath, looking as tired as she felt. A pang of empathy struck her as she saw a streak smoke off of the side of his face. Though he seemed mostly intact, a long band of raw skin streaked across his left eye.

Get up, Godzilla, she thought. Come on, you can't quit now.

As if hearing her words, Godzilla clambered back to his feet, almost seeming to sigh as he balanced himself on the remains of buildings next to him. Ghidorah remained standing at his full height, wings outstretched as his heads snapped at Godzilla, taunting him. The worst and largest of gashes across his chest from the lizard was already starting to close up, the holes that had been burned through his wings stitching together. The dragon seemed to celebrate his victorious comeback with another earth-shattering trill, stretching out his wings and taking to the air. He was headed right toward where Godzilla stood, still winded from the electrocution.

The radio still at Jodie's side crackled. She grabbed it, desperately trying to get the connection to hold.

"Are you guys alright up there?" she shouted.

"Wouldn't speak too soon if I were you." Stanton replied. "But you guys definitely won't be if you stay down there for long - Godzilla's radiation's reaching critical mass," he warned. "Six minutes 'till he blows!"

Before the feed on the radio cut off, Jodie could hear Foster's frantic voice. "Order all remaining craft to retre -"

That's if there's any left to retreat, she thought gravely. She had lost count of all the fallen a while ago. Turning off the radio, she leaned over the back seat.

"Shit, you guys catch that?" she yelled to the front of the car.

"Kinda wish I didn't." Barnes replied.

As Godzilla struggled to catch his second wind, Mothra didn't seem to be faring any better.

Locked in midair, she and Rodan tore at each other viciously as they bowled through the city, smashing through buildings and leaving a trail of fire in their wake.

The car suddenly came to a stop as Mothra was thrown into the building directly in front of them. Her back hit it hard, and with a pained chitter she stayed there for a moment, stunned. And like a flaming arrow, Rodan appeared shortly afterward, pinning her to the building with his wings as his talons sunk deep into its steel foundations. Mothra was badly burned, and she was desperately flailing against the flying reptile's grasp to no avail. Like a ravenous vulture, Rodan began tearing into her wings with his beak. She swiped at his face with her smaller forelimbs, and suddenly Rodan broke off the attack, flying off.

But not far. He was building his speed, and with a strong flap of his wings he dove. Mothra climbed to the top of the skyscraper, weakly trying to move herself out of the way. But Rodan was far faster. Smashing into her once more, he snapped at her head. Mothra braced against the building, trying her best to squirm out of the way. Again and again, he tried but to no avail. Until, finally, he seemed to find his aim - until he suddenly froze in place, a frail screech spilling from his beak.

Groaning in agony, he glanced down, looking at the stinger lodged in his shoulder. He reared back, trying to fight free of Mothra's grasp but he couldn't. Her stinger was buried deep, all the way up to her thorax.

They both hung there for a moment, Mothra's eyes seeming to search Rodan's for something - if that were even possible. But then his thrashing weakened, and his flames dimmed. Retracting her stinger, the open wound glowed like cooling lava as the flying reptile slipped away. He fell, vanishing into the smoke he'd ignited with an agonizing screech. As he landed to the ground with a thud, lifting the car a foot into the air for a brief moment, his eyes rolled back. He was still breathing, but he wasn't about to rejoin the fight anytime soon.

Back ahead of them, Jodie saw Mothra clinging to the toppled building, trembling as her bioluminescence started to fade. She took a weak step, trying to push herself back into the air only to slip. She let out a frail cry. She sounded like she was in pain, like she was afraid. Instead of taking to the air, she sat there, gathering what little strength she had left. She had defeated Rodan, but it didn't look like she had much longer herself.

After what felt like an eternity, the jeep roared up Beacon Street, swerving around the burning carcasses of aircraft and piles of buildings. Through the chaos, Jodie caught occasional glimpses of places that had survived the fight. A small corner store was untouched, and a coffee shop was somehow still recognizable, even though the fire caused by Rodan and Mothra's fight would likely soon consume it just like the trees that had now become torches.

"It's just up ahead!" Mark called.

Through the smoke, he and Emma searched for their old home. Finally, she slammed on the breaks, Jodie having to brace herself before she slammed against the back seat again. Looking out the window, all relief that Jodie had drained from her body.

What was probably a house in the recent past had now collapsed into a smoking pile of rubble. Off in the distance, the white noise of titans fighting, planes crashing, and ships sinking made her ears ring as she exited the car with the others. If the kid had really been in there..she stopped her mind from going any farther.

"Madison!" Mark shouted, leaping from the car and diving straight into the ruins of his old home, tossing aside bricks and smoldering planks.

"Maddie!" Emma joined him, a ragged desperation evident in every movement in her body.

Jodie and the rest of G-Team filed out into the ruins, calling after the lost child as they pushed aside the wreckage. Jodie hands began to sting, coughing as sweat and smoke stung every inch of her body. A weird, acrid scent drifted on the breeze, and off in the distance something exploded.

Suddenly, like a cicada bursting from the ground after its long sleep, a pale arm sprouted from underneath a pile of rubble.

There was a weak coughing and what sounded like a voice calling for help. The arm limply tried to push the wall of debris away but not finding the strength to do so. Mark called after Emma as everyone converged on the spot. Lifting away the broken off piece of a wall, they uncovered a body alright.

But it wasn't Madison.

I thought they evacuated the city, Jodie thought in confusion, staring at the blonde woman that struggled to stand. Emma helped her up, roughly grabbing her arm.

"Where are they?" she said, anger evident in her voice.

They?

Coughing, the blonde woman pointed behind her. It was a broken bathtub, and beneath the pile of rubble that covered it was a small, pallid hand. On the count of three, they all lifted the wall from the tub's rim. Jodie's arms ached from the strain, but eventually they tossed it to the side.

Within the tub was Madison and another strange woman - though her name alluded her, she recognized her as the same one from the footage in Antarctica. They were folded together, and they both weren't moving.

Neither of them reacted as they were pulled from the tub, their limbs swinging limp as they dragged them out and lay flat on the ground. Their skin was pale and cold to the touch. Jodie glanced up, and for the briefest of moments she saw a look of raw despair painted on Mark and Emma's faces.

"Are they breathing?" Emma whimpered.

Mark cradled Madison in his arms, brushing her hair from her face. "Don't go," he whispered. "Please don't go."

Emma collapsed at his side, clutching the child's hand between her own.

The blonde woman staggered to the ground, taking the dark-haired one that had been found in the tub into her arms. She framed her face.

"Fight it, Elena." she whispered with conviction. "You're stronger than this. Fight him."

_____

Elena woke.

She was in the headspace, the same one she shared with Ghidorah. Bruised yellow clouds curled around her feet as she tread through the storm in her mind. A thick bolt of lightning flash just a few feet ahead of her.

If you haven't noticed already,

We're a bit busy at the moment.

We aren't really in need of insects scrambling at our feet

Or do you just like us that much?

I'm not here for you

Then do us a favor and get crushed under some rubble

There was another flash of lightning, and this time Elena was knocked off of her feet, tumbling through a cloud. Ghidorah became nothing more than a black silhouette as she was pushed farther away from the dragon. She stopped herself, arms aching as she tried to push herself back on her feet. Her hands clenched into fists.

All you do, her voice trembled, but she didn't care. Is take. And take. And take. But do you even want it?

Ghidorah paused, his middle head snaking down toward her.

Excuse us?

You think you're some god, Elena stood back up, firmly planting her feet on the nonexistent ground beneath her. But you're just acting like a greedy brat

The clouds began to kick up, swirling into something that wanted to be a storm. Thunder shook the headspace as Ghidorah's heads all came within mere yards of where she stood, surrounding her in a circle of bared teeth.

We have bled countless worlds dry.

We have been here long before your kind was even a concept in the universe's mind.

And we'll be here long after

I almost feel sorry for you, Elena stepped closer to Ghidorah. Outstretching a hand and placing it on the tip of his snout, she took a deep breath.

You're just an animal, Ghidorah. And you'll die like one

Before the dragon had a chance to respond, the headspace began to collapse all around them. The last thing she heard before being sent back to the pitch black void was Ghidorah's trilling roar.

It felt weird, being all by herself. But she couldn't allow that to continue for another second. She had a girl to find.

_____

Madison woke.

Remembering the fear, the tumult that still raged outside, how everything was coming undone right before her eyes, how everything sort of shut off and faded to black. She sucked in a breath, but she found that she could not breathe.

She was still aware, there just wasn't anything to see, feel, or hear. It was like she was underwater, in the dark, all of her senses turned inward. The headspace.

Madison wondered for a moment if she was dead. She tried to move but her limbs just weren't there. Her panic had faded, but now it began to set in once again. What happened to her? If this was the headspace could Elena be here too? Was she even still okay? And where was the Regulator? Were they all dead?

She tried to shout for help, but found that she didn't have a voice either. She tried sending out a wave of thought, but found that it didn't travel far enough.

Maybe this was it. In her terror to escape the fight, she hadn't been able to see the big picture, unable to sort out who was winning. She flashed back to when they had entered the Common, back to Mothra and Rodan - the giant insect's beautiful, delicate-looking wings caught between the sharp hook of Rodan's beak, both engulfed in flame. Maybe Madison had lead them all to their demise.

She tried again to wiggle her arms and legs, but still nothing happened. It was as if she was suspended in midair. She wondered if she was even in her body anymore. Elena mentioned about bad things happening to those that stayed in the headspace for too long. And in that moment Madison had realized that she had been connected to Mothra and Godzilla when she blacked out. She messed up. Bad.

She wanted to cry. Mom's probably wondering where I am, she thought. Did she even make it to Fenway?

In that moment, the void all around her grew just a little lighter.

A faint blue illumination appeared, warm and familiar. It was just a spot at first, but then it began to expand, like she was nearing the end of a tunnel. Maybe she really was dying.

But then the glow took on a form as it grew nearer, and like that time on the roof of the stadium, other shapes began to form around her. Familiar shapes. She knew this place. The sounds of a rainforest began to fill her ears as the void opened up into a monochromatic blue-green forest, complete with birdsong and mist.

Madison found herself back in Yunnan. Everything was there - the containment facility's control room, the bas-reliefs on the temple walls - only it was all illuminated by the same teal light that emanated from Mothra. Madison found that she could move again, and as she walked through its familiar halls. And in the heart of the temple, where she and her mother had been taken from their relatively routine lives, was Mothra. But this time she was no longer just an oversized larva, it was her in her imago form. All slender limbs and downy fuzz complete with brilliant markings on gossamer wings. She was the most beautiful thing Madison had ever seen.

Like before, she felt her connection to the titan. And like before, she reached out to touch her. Only this time, she let her in.

As her fingers brushed against her soft down, Mothra's wings unfolded, splaying out before her. All of her fear was gone now, and for the first time in a long time, she felt at peace. The titan chittered a strange, lovely song. Although there were no words, Madison could understand. It felt as if she was telling her that everything would be alright. Feeling Mothra's heartbeat beneath her hand, for a moment, it harmonized with her own.

As her gaze trailed upward, she noticed something off about the titan. Upon closer inspection, Mothra looked hurt, her wings singed with holes burned through its tips. Madison's brows furrowed with worry.

Mothra..your wings, she thought. Are you gonna be okay?

The titan laughed wistfully. I think I should be asking you that question, young Speaker. But I'm alright, just a little tired is all

Something about that sent a shiver of dread down her spine. You can still get out of here, before Ghidorah -

It's not over yet, she interrupted. Godzilla..he is strong, but he needs me in ways you may not understand

I wish I could help you, she said through a silent sob. You don't deserve to die

I won't die, Speaker, Mothra lifted her chin with her smaller forelimbs. For creatures like me, that's just how it is. We're born, we live, and we die, repeating the cycle. This isn't my first time, you know

Mothra withdrew her claw. But if you stay here with me, you just might

...I don't understand

I've already helped you as much as I can, but if you're here when I...Mothra considered her words for a moment. This is something I was born to do, and you were not

It's not fair

I'm sure to something like you, it wouldn't be

In a heartbeat, Mothra's light began to fade, the titan's shape beginning to drift apart. Madison tried desperately to hold onto the vision, but found that it only continued to come apart.

But don't feel sad for me, young Speaker. Our connection will always exist, and you will live, but now there is something important I have to do. Or else none of us will

As the titan's shape began to unravel into a million strands of silk, carried off by the nonexistent wind, Mothra was gone, and so was her light.

Don't go, not yet -!

We'll meet again, Speaker. I believe that

In an instant the headspace reverted back to its blank state, the all-encompassing void. Stretching out endlessly all around her in utter silence.

Mothra? Madison called out, feeling the connection beginning to fade. Mothra?!

Silence.

Though she could move again, she didn't see the point. Madison was alone. There was no sign of Mothra or Elena. And there definitely was no sign of her mother. And unlike last time, Mothra hadn't thrown her out like Godzilla had. But she couldn't blame her. Even in the headspace Madison could feel that the titan had grown weak.

Madison curled into herself.

She didn't ask for any of this, didn't ask to be thrown into a world of monsters, to have these strange powers awakened without having any say - no matter how whimsical her mother had made it sound. She didn't hate the titans, even after this she didn't think she ever could. They were just animals after all. But in that moment Madison wished she could go back to that time in Boston, when she was only 6 years old with her brother and her parents. When everything was simple, when she was happy.

And now she was stuck in her own head with no way out.

Madison sniffled to herself, not hearing the muffled shout far in the back of her mind.

But the second time the muffled sound echoed, she did hear it. She couldn't make out what it was specifically, but it kept getting closer. And closer. And closer still until she could clearly hear a person's voice calling out her name.

Elena.

Madison didn't have enough time to register what was happening before her eyes when the woman all but tackled her, wrapping her arms around her in a hug. It was so surreal that she found herself frozen in place. Elena pulled away.

Are you alright? Are you hurt?

Y-Yeah. I think I'm fine, but how are you -?

I..I had to clear something up first. But it wasn't hard to find you

Elena placed a hand on her shoulder.

Now we have to wake up

In that same moment, Madison saw a new, harsher light. It wasn't like Mothra's warm, comforting light. Or Godzilla's strong, blue light. And along with this new vision, she heard familiar voices murmuring their names. And crying. She closed her hand and felt her fingers move. Her real ones. Taking a deep breath, smoky air filled her lungs.

Madison coughed as she sprung forward, lungs stinging from the burning air that surrounded her. Not too far away, she heard Elena take in a deep gasp.

And Mom and dad were there, both of them hugging her as they sobbed over her.

Maybe I did die, she thought. This can't be real.

But her body said otherwise. Every inch of it ached, but whatever Mothra had done seemed to work. Although she was nowhere near back to 100%, she felt just a little better.

"Mom?" she spoke with an audible rasp. "Dad?"

Through the rain that pelted her face, she felt her father pull her into a hug so strong she could barely move. Her mother joined him, wrapping her arms around them both. They said nothing, as all they could do was hold each other while the world raged in the background.

Andrew was gone, and Boston would soon be too. But sitting in the ruins of her old house as fire rained around them, she felt that they were home enough.

But before they could have the chance to release each other, Godzilla's roar bellowed not too far away. And she found that everyone else was staring off into the distance, so Madison wrenched her gaze from her parents to look at the source of the sound as well. She wished she hadn't.

Ghidorah was killing Godzilla.

She didn't understand, couldn't wrap her mind around the sudden switch in circumstances. They had been winning, right? Was this what Mothra was talking about?

As the dots connected within her mind, Madison found herself quickly becoming consumed by fear.

Madison watched helplessly as Ghidorah stalked toward the titan, who looked to be propping himself with a collapsed building. The scutes on his back glowed with a weak blue light that was hardly noticeable above the burning skyline. Godzilla didn't have the chance to get out of the way before Ghidorah pushed himself into the air, springing onto the lizard talons-first like a bird of prey.

The dragon's claws dug into Godzilla's neck, and as his arms weakly grabbed at Ghidorah's legs, he was pushed back with ease.

Ghidorah's tails wrapped around his body, crushing what life remained from him. Madison flinched as Godzilla's dorsal spines cracked from the stress. And then the dragon's wings started to beat, stronger, harder until - impossibly - the two began to ascend. It was slow at first, but the more he flapped his wings the more momentum he built as the titans rose hundreds of feet in the air.

No, Madison thought. No no no no no.

She felt the world fall apart from beneath her feet. Everything was starting to go away again. She couldn't even feel her parent's arms around her. All she could hear was the beat of Ghidorah's wings and Godzilla's cries of agony.

No you too. Not you.

One of the dragon's necks wrapped around Godzilla's, coiling like a boa constrictor. Godzilla struggled to breathe, uselessly clawing at the head until his cries died out with a pathetic, high-pitched whine. His body slackened, head lolling to the side, his arm falling away limply. Ghidorah continued to rise.

Wake up, Godzilla! Wake up!

There was no response.

They had risen so high she could hardly see them anymore. If Ghidorah was from space like the Regulator had said, had he left the atmosphere? Was he going to leave the titan in its vast expanse to die?

Madison soon got her answer, and she felt her stomach drop to the floor.

Mercilessly, Ghidorah's claws unhinged themselves from their grasp, and Godzilla slipped away.

Like an angel cast from the heavens, he fell. And as he fell, he began to burn, and as the flames surrounded him he hardly resembled the titan that she knew. He looked like a meteor plunging to earth. Godzilla's roar was lost over the sound of his impact, and Madison could only stand there, slack-jawed. Nobody around her made a sound or moved an inch.

The titan struck the ground like a bomb, a plume of smoke and debris flying into the air. And when the dust settled, Madison saw him lying motionless in the crater his body had carved into Boston.

Get up, get up, please get up, she sent out her thoughts in waves, hoping they would reach him.

The response was far away, and it was hardly audible - so far away from the powerful voice she had grown used to. But it was him.

I'm sorry. I just gotta rest my eyes for a little while

You can't, you'll die!

Godzilla chuckled weakly. But before he could respond, Ghidorah landed in front of him, bolts of lightning accenting his arrival. He rose above the fallen titan, his electrical charge building, preparing to end their duel.

This couldn't be it. Everyone that had died, everything that had led up to this moment, it couldn't have been all for nothing. With Godzilla dead and the ORCA destroyed, what chances did they have? Not even Elena could control him, and with nothing to keep Ghidorah in check, he would remake the world as he saw fit. And there was nothing any of them could do but watch as the dragon's charge increased, the bottled lightning of a hundred storms building in their throats. Ghidorah's fury was spilling from his mouths, and soon enough he would no longer be able to keep it in.

But like Ghidorah, Madison had been so focused on Godzilla, that she hadn't noticed the small, sharp claw rising from behind the titan's back.

Godzilla seemed to notice it too, a low pained rumble sounding from his throat as he feebly turned his head to watch the torn and battered Mothra pull herself onto him.

But you just got back, she heard Godzilla whisper.

She could barely stand, but with all the strength she could muster, she stood tall, smoke emanating off of her burning wings as she chittered at Ghidorah. No matter how hard she tried, Madison couldn't understand what she was saying. But her actions had painted a glimmer of an idea in her mind.

Ghidorah hissed, tails rattling as Mothra spread her wings out like a shield, her fading blue light bathing Godzilla in a faint glow.

With one strong push and a defiant screech, she launched herself at the dragon. She could hardly get airborne, and she didn't get far. The lightning in Ghidorah's mouths burst forth, striking through and around her.

With a bright flash of yellow and blue light, Mothra vanished. All that remained was a cloud of glowing particles that refracted every color of the rainbow. Like snow in the moonlight, they began to fall gently upon Godzilla, his body pulsing with a faint orange light.

Godzilla let out a mournful groan, letting his head fall back to the ground.

Madison screamed, suddenly feeling nauseous as she collapsed in her father's arms. A few of the people around her couldn't bare to watch - Elena among them - while others looked on in shock or horror. Everyone was silent.

The dragon's eyes sparkled with dark, insidious glee as he regarded the ethereal cloud that was all that remained of Mothra. Her sacrifice didn't seem to sway him in the slightest as all three heads slithered toward Godzilla. His forked tongues flickered in and out as he hissed, mocking. It wasn't the expression of an animal that had bested another, or of a predator regarding its prey. Ghidorah enjoyed killing. He lived for it, for the pain it caused, the power it gave.

Godzilla had said something in response, something so consumed with hatred and grief that Madison couldn't quite catch it. Her ears began to ring. Every sound around her had become drowned out by her hiccuping sobs.

But through her tears, she saw something..weird.

At this distance, it was hard to tell, but it looked like that faint orange light was turning into a dull, reddish-orange sheen, as if lava was welling up from beneath his skin.

Despite everything, she could feel that he wasn't dying. He was growing stronger.

"He's not dead." she muttered.

"What was that?" her dad responded.

"He's not - dead!" she repeated, struggling to free herself from his grasp as she ran toward Elena.

"We have to distract him, are you still connected?"

"Hold on, distract who?" she said, utterly confused.

"Ghidorah - Godzilla's not dead but he will be if we just stand here!"

Elena struggled to find a response. "I-I can't, I'm not - I had to cut him off to find you. I'm sorry."

Her father turned toward her mother, a sudden look of realization growing on his face. "We have to work fast."

"To do what?" she asked.

He nodded to someone behind her. Suddenly, a woman ran to the jeep behind them and came back holding a battered piece of equipment - the ORCA. Up close, she realized that the woman was Gill's wife. She handed it to her mother.

"You can't be serious." her mother said, looking incredulously at her father.

But he was, and everyone saw it. So they got to work.

"Sam," Jodie spoke into a handheld radio. "We're gonna need a ride."

#godzilla #king of the monsters #godzilla king of the monsters #kotm #godzilla fanfic #leviathanfic

2 notes · View notes