#internalised homophobia //

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

Unsurprisingly, one kiss in an alleyway behind some bins doesn't fix your problems. Previous part is here, I skipped Castafiore's introduction because I animated it here!

This is part of my story, The House of Glass. Poor Chang is going through it in this one.

[gendiebrainrotreceipts]

[i-am-the-oyster]

Some not at all lighthearted thoughts about Maxwell's Silver Hammer

I've been thinking a lot about Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Joe Orton, and 'original sin'.

Orton was killed by his (male) partner with a hammer on the 9th of August 1967. He had written a script for a potential Beatles movie (it was returned without comment) earlier that year. He was due to meet with Richard Lester on the morning of his death, to discuss filming a revised version of the script, with Mick Jagger as a possible lead.

18 days later, on the 27th of August, Brian Epstein was found dead.

Less than six months later, in Rishikesh, Paul started working on Maxwell's Silver Hammer. On the face of it, one of Paul's 'story songs'. On closer inspection though there's reason to suspect it's more symbolic and less allegorical. The timeline is off: Maxwell starts in college, then goes back to school, then suddenly finds himself in a court. The second and third verses are dream-like in their unrealism.

The other three Beatles' frustration with the recording of the song is well known, but John also said it was their first attempt at writing a song about Instant Karma.

From this site:

Former Apple employee Tony King expands on the song's meaning a little further in Steve Turner's book “A Hard Day's Write,” by relating a conversation he had with John Lennon concerning his song “Instant Karma.” “John told me that 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' was about the law of karma. We were talking one day about 'Instant Karma' because something had happened where he's been clobbered and he'd said that this was an example of instant karma. I asked him whether he believed that theory. He said that he did and that 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' was the first song that they'd made about that. He said that the idea behind the song was that the minute you do something that's not right, Maxwell's silver hammer will come down on your head.”

Paul tends to speak of the hammer metaphor more like random negative events, rather than some kind of deserved retribution, but he did talk about the breakup like this:

That whole period weighed on me to such an extent that I even began to think it was all tied in with the idea of original sin

So I was already thinking something along the lines of: what if John and Paul had come to some terrible conclusion about "sinful" gay activity attracting divine retribution. They decide they need to find "the right woman" to settle down with, and resist these "sinful" urges. Paul deals with this, in part, by writing a freaky song partially inspired by Orton's murder, where he giggles at the mention of the word 'behind' (in every take, apparently). He also allegedly obsesses over the recording of the song.

So when I saw this section of John's lyrics sheet for Now and Then I gasped:

Remember when we thought our life <love> had ended the gods had been offended

Yeah.

[sarahivess]

The famous gay panic bro-tap x3

[hypoclericalcunt]

Comp het and internalised homophobia is very real. I knew that people could be gay, i had many queer friends, i would always think of myself as an ally, I always thought women were hot, it was always i support gay people, people can be gay, women are hot, but IM not gay. Definitely. Very straight. This is why I sympathise with Mike so much, I am so fucking gay, and it's not even the 80s so there's not as much homophobia as there used to be. My own friends had randomly asked me if I was gay I was like WHAT ? NO ! i used to have a MASSIVE crush on a friend of mine and she herself was bi and STILL i thought I was straight. lt feels so good to be true to myself and stop pushing that part of me away, I live in a conservative place with a conservative family, but my brother is a huge liberal, and STILL i felt unsafe. I knew about byler, I knew about MIKE'S comp het plot, and STILL I was like, he's gay, but IM not. No way.

Anyway I made this post because Mike's storyline means so much to me and to so many others. This is another reason why byler becoming canon would be huge and help SO many people.

[theangelofbrahma]

declaring 'i hear the beads clicking at night, angelo' as the most devastating tv quote for all religiously traumatised queer folk out there

[aithusarosekiller]

Imagine Jegulus where James finally comes to terms with the fact he isn't straight and he's silently come to accept himself (he's so used to being the stereotypical cool womaniser that it comes as a bit of a shock to him when he realises he's bi) and then he realises he can't have the person he wants bc he's SO sure that Reg is a massive homophobe

And you can't really blame him for thinking that bc he never really denies it. If someone else is being a homophobe he'll just go along with it and laugh bc it's safer and...self-hatred.

But James spends ages pining bc he thinks he can't have him, while Regulus is trying to convince himself he can't like James bc 1) man 2) he hatessss him

They finally get together but James is still convinced he's a homophobe and he's not wrong bc that internalised homophobia LINGERS

And it's tragic and messy and probably a little toxic but they love each other even if they still struggle to figure out what that means for them

[a-study-in-bullshit]

"i wish you were a girl"

"fuck a girl then"

[valeriearmani1]

no because sirius’ & regulus’ internalised homophobia would literally ruin them

like there would always be a voice in the back of their minds screaming at them that it’s wrong & itd cause them to self destruct (isolating themselves from their partners, not eating, ect ect.)

[delusionaltogether]

Me when "Of course you could've been together. Mike loved you from the start, he was just scared of his feelings. For all his cockiness, he didn't know how to act around you. And you know Mike, he likes to run..."

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

What does the reconciliation between Haddock and Tintin look like? Up to the gallery there's a lot of implied sentiment. Do they ever talk about it? Does Tintin ever ask for advice / talk about his feelings for Chang with Haddock and Nash??

they haven't discussed things openly but have sort of gone back to being friends again, with lingering thoughts going on in the background. They both have an idea that they're queer but haven't come out explicitly.

haddock's british and tintin's belgian, would they ever sit down and just talk about feelings?

this follows on from this! chang has asked tintin to go dancing with him after tintin finally escapes the cave

[czech-hunter-reject]

Well, well, well....... 🤡

EDIT: I should have known better than to blindly trust a screenshot I found on twitter, please reblog with this addition

[losver07]

I WROTE SOME WOLSTAR YAYYY (idea from this post)

tw: religious trauma, internalised homophobia & mild swearing

But What If

“Moony?”

He lays in the silence for a few seconds, part of him hoping he was heard, part of him wishing the darkness would swallow him whole.

“What is it?,” comes the answer, muffled by the sound of bedsheets ruffling with movement. Remus is now looking at him, face pale in the moonlight. He takes a deep breath.

“What if they're right?”

The werewolf furrows his brows, still half-asleep and confused. For a second, he thinks he might be talking about quidditch, or something related to one of their classes, but he doesn't find anything mildly coherent, so lets Sirius speak.

“Who?”

“The muggles,” he whispers back, letting his gaze wonder anywhere but the other boy's face. Right now, he can't bear to see Remus and talk to him at the same time without completely breaking down. And he doesn't want that. “What if there is someone up there? Not God, just... someone. Something.”

Remus, now aware of what's about to come, sits up on the bed and casts a silencing spell. He still whispers, however, when he asks:

“Does that scare you?”

Sirius closes his eyes, trying to distract himself, like one would from a bleeding wound.

“It shouldn't, shouldn't it?”

Remus forces himself not to give him a lecture, not to tell him about the church convincing its members trough fear and torture, about the inquisitions and persecutions. He figures Sirius already knows everything he needs to know. He's seen the books on his nightstand.

“It's okay to be worried,” he tries. Sirius doesn't buy it.

“Yeah,” he laughs, the volume of his voice rising along with his sarcasm, “especially if you've broken, like, every single fucking rule good people are supposed to follow.”

“But you love breaking rules,” Remus smiles, trying to ease the tension. “It's what you do, you can't be blamed for it.”

“But what if I can? What if these rules actually matter? What if I deserve to be punished?”

That's when Remus realises, he actually believes in what he says. He's not scared it might be true, he really thinks it is, that some day he will have to face everything he's ever done wrong, and deal with the consequences.

“You don't.”

The problem, he recognises, is that even though Sirius is an angel directly descended from heaven, in the mirror of his mind he sees a demon.

“No, you don't,” he insists. “If they are right, I will die and go to hell and you will go to heaven and I won't be able to see you again. They won't even have to torture me, I'll just be left alone on a corner thinking about you, and it will be enough to make me regret everything I've done, to everyone.”

He's crying now. They both are. Each one staring at a different point in the bed curtains, trying to make their breathing sound even.

“Padfoot...” Remus whispers. He wishes he could hug Sirius, but doesn't reach out. He can't.

“I don't want that, Moony,” the long-haired boy says, with a voice as thin as a thread.

“I know,” Remus answers. “It's okay. That's not going to happen, okay?”

He's not sure he believes it now. But he has to. He needs to.

“I'm sorry,” Sirius whispers, voice wet with tears.

“It's fine,” he keeps promising, and finally finds the courage to lay back down, next to Sirius, and pull him into a hug.

“I'm so sorry, Moony...” Remus hears as he buries his face in a sea of black curls, brushing against his cheek to remind him where he is, to make him forget about what could come after this. He is here, they both are. And that's enough for now.

“Me too,” he says. His shoulder is getting wet with the salty tears of a pair of sea-blue eyes, and he thanks whatever God is seeing them for it. He's grateful he can cry now, he can hug and he can worry and he can love. He's glad he's afraid of losing this, because otherwise he may not try as hard, feel it as much as he does now.

And that's good. That's the only good that matters.

“I love you,” Sirius sniffs, holding on to Remus as if he were about to lose him. And maybe he is. Maybe they'll lose each other, but for now they have the chance to fear together. And that's enough for now.

“I love you too.”

[nando161mando]

how to know you've internalized capitalism

[verdantdaises]

Do you have more Catholic Bradley headcanons? I also see him as Catholic too 🤞 and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts

(ps love your fics!)

OMG!! (Thank u btw ily)

OMG!! I love Catholic guilt Bradley!! I will say, straight up, I’m not religious, and I never have been, so I’m not VEry familiar with Catholic stuff, but I’ll try my best to get the ✨vibe✨ sorry if I get anything wrong and they aren’t very specific, I’m not very confident with the details despite my research lol

-he used to go to confession almost every week after school, desperately trying to do anything to quell the impending sense of panic that came with all the thoughts about boys (of course)

-he was one of the only kids in his parish that went that frequently, and his parents used to brag that it was because he was because he was wise beyond his years, and would do anything to be in God’s good graces

-the first time he went to a high school party with weed, he went to confession every day for a week

-quickly however; he starts to use recreational drugs and drinking to quash the impure thoughts, he mumbles a quick prayer of forgiveness every time he finishes a drink, but it doesn’t stop him, the guilt got murky when he was under the influence

-he stopped going to communion and confession when he was 18, he tells his parents he still goes, but he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy of gods good graces

-he was really close to a boy in his parish, they spent services together, they would run around outside of church after services while their parents spoke. When they were 15, they hid in the pews while everyone was milling around outside and he kissed him. Bradley freaked out, and pushed him over, and he cracked his front tooth on the tiled floor. His parents berated him for hours and hours, and he sees the cracked tooth and the smile of the boy who made his haunting thoughts a reality in his nightmares, because he LIKED it.

-it confirmed everything about how he saw himself, it wasn’t a hypothetical, or just thoughts anymore. He spiralled for a few weeks, refusing to leave his room or his house, except to go to church. His parents thought he had come down with a stomach bug. The boys family moved pretty quickly to another church after this incident, and Bradley never saw him again, sans in his head every night for years.

-speaking of nightmares, when he was a teen, he used to wake up screaming, so much so his parents tried to take him to a doctor, but obviously there wasn’t anything physically wrong with him. It morphed into just waking up soaked with sweat.

-when he was 24 he starts the painful process of deconstruction with the help of Max and Tank’s support, and his parents don’t take it well at all. They cut him off completely, and his mom secretly sends him periodic messages saying she’s praying for his soul, and that she hopes he might one day make it to heaven. He never replies.

-the guilt gets smaller, but there’s moments he reaches for his rosary, and he finds his tongue knows the shape of prayers no matter how old he gets.

[gayforminatozaki]

shoutout to girls with severe internalised homophobia 💞💞💞