#intended message: op is experiencing a negative feeling

[mars-ipan]

so funny to me how ppl on tumblr will read a post that says, within the post, SEVERAL times, “hey this isn’t super well-thought out discussion and shouldn’t be treated as such i’m just sharing an individual opinion and my word should not be taken as fact” and then refuse to understand that whether they agree or disagree with the op

[panharmonium]

hey guys, semi-rhetorical question,

what exactly do i have to do in order to stop total strangers from leaving their unsolicited opinions on posts that i wrote for myself, on my own blog, behind a cut, not under the merlin tag, with a disclaimer saying “it’s cool if we have different opinions, feel free to scroll on by if this isn’t your jam”?

how many more steps do i have to take to remind strangers on the internet that i am not soliciting commentary and that not everything is an invitation for debate?  it’s frustrating enough that i feel like i have to take these steps at all - basic etiquette should be enough for people to understand that when you see a take you don’t agree with, you can just go ahead and scroll past it.  

i am going to try to muse about this in the gentlest way possible, because it’s hard to know on the internet whether people are maybe just too young to realize these things, or maybe they just weren’t thinking in that particular moment (like - the way i would talk about this with a young person is not the same way i would talk to a fandom veteran who ought to know better, for instance), but this is definitely a recurring thing on tumblr that i have experienced numerous times, and which i do think is aggravated by the structure of the platform.  and, given that tumblr does not have the old LJ-style functionality of friends-only or anything like that, the truth is that this site can make it kind of a challenging to establish a comfortable space for yourself, which is something that has bothered me for a long time.

this is why i started putting disclaimers on meta in the first place.  i know it’s hard to remember, given the structure of this website, but not everything on the internet is written in the spirit of “prove me wrong.”  that’s why i started writing preludes saying “this is how *I* engage with the show.  it is fine if *YOU* engage with the show a different way.  i am just writing in my own space for my own personal enjoyment, please feel free to continue enjoying the show in your own way.”

as an example - this is the disclaimer i put on a piece of meta that recently earned itself some unsolicited commentary (boldings added now, for emphasis [and yes, the commentary has been removed already, to protect that user’s anonymity; i’m not interested in pointing fingers at specific people, just in discussing the dynamics of a wider phenomenon that i encounter sometimes on this website]):

just some meandering thoughts on where the thematic center of merlin bbc lies for me, and how it weaves itself in and out of my fandom experience.

under a cut because this is a) sort of long and b) not really directed anywhere but my own brain, as i keep thinking about and creating for this show.

[as always, before i get rolling, a reminder: when i write about how i engage with this show, it’s just me talking about what gives me, personally, the most satisfaction or enjoyment, not the way i think everybody should do things.  if this isn’t your particular read, please feel free to scroll past.  i am not ever going to bother anybody for engaging with this show in their own way, so please don’t worry about it if we are not on the same page.]

when i look at that, i’m not sure how much clearer i can be.  i’m not sure what part of this says, “send me a six-paragraph screed about how vehemently you disagree with me, as if i personally placed this analysis in your inbox and forced you to read it.”

do you know how often in a day i see fandom posts that i disagree with?  every time i see a merthur post, for instance, i think to myself “ugh, this is not remotely accurate.”  but i have never, in my life, left a reply on someone’s post telling them how wrong i think their take is.  that’s just not polite, and it’s just not necessary.  what do i care if someone has a different opinion than me?  they are just having fun in their own area.  it doesn’t make sense for me to enter their space and tell them what i, personally, think of their take.  they aren’t asking me for a debate.  they are hanging out on their own blog, having a good time in their own way.  i am glad they are enjoying themselves!  i am happy to let them keep having fun!  i do not need to insert myself into that conversation and rain on their parade.

i know this is something tumblr culture isn’t always good about understanding (and i know the structure of this website makes it almost impossible to remember, too; i do get that), but just, as a gentle reminder: me posting an analysis on my own blog, in my own space, is not equivalent to me saying “you, a stranger on the internet, must agree with this!”  me posting on my own blog is not directed at you at all.  it has nothing to do with you.  i did not send you that post.  i did not ask you to read it.  i did not put it in your inbox.  i did not insert myself into your space.  i did not ask for your attention.  i did not come anywhere NEAR you.  i don’t even know who you are.  i don’t mind if you engage with this show in a different way.  it does not affect me.  i have never and will never leave contentious replies on posts that i disagree with in order to try to convince people they’re wrong.  i have never in my life sent somebody a message to change their mind about a fandom opinion of theirs that i believe to be ill-conceived.

i see posts that i disagree with every day, and every single time, i scroll past them.  i leave them alone.  i let people have their fun.

i understand that the knee-jerk reaction on this platform is for us to react to everything as if it’s being shouted at us, personally, through a megaphone, and a lot of this is a structural problem on this website, i know.  i know that.  it’s bothered me for years.  the reblog function creates a system where posts leave their homes quickly, so it’s all too easy for people to feel like an OP is seeking them out and forcing them to read something, or soliciting contributions from the wider internet.  but we HAVE to remember the structure of the forum we’re in - any particular post you stumble across was written on an individual blog, and the individual who wrote it did not ask you to look at it.  they had no control over whether you saw it or not.  it wasn’t directed at you personally, and it isn’t an automatic invitation for caustic debate with strangers, either.  

people are allowed to write about their own fandom thoughts on their own blogs.  the act of writing about one’s own fandom thoughts on one’s own blog is not equivalent to canceling someone else’s fun, or stopping other people from liking/disliking things in whatever way they please.  i am allowed to write about my own opinions, in my own space, without worrying about other people who might wander by, catch a glimpse of my house through the window, and get upset because i’m “telling them” something they didn’t agree with.  i didn’t “tell you” anything!  you came here yourself.�� i did not send this post to you.  i did not visit your blog and tell you ‘you’re doing fandom wrong.’  i don’t even know who you are.  we have never spoken to each other in our lives.  you don’t follow me, we’re not friends, and my post (in this particular instance) has zero reblogs - the only place you could have read it was on my own blog, which you chose to visit.

i’ve met tons of great people on here, and we’ve had lots of fun conversations.  and sometimes our takes are not even the same!  but i don’t mind that, because we’ve introduced ourselves to each other and have already developed a friendly relationship.  like, just today, i was having a fantastic convo about hunith where myself and the other participant weren’t 100% on the same page, but we were still having a great time with the discussion.  i don’t mind talking to people who have different opinions than me - to be honest, most of the topics about which i recently received a bunch of unsolicited commentary were actually things that i have written about previously, and that i would’ve loved to have talked about more, under different circumstances.  but i do mind strangers barreling into my house uninvited and then lecturing me, via a series of long, combative messages (devoid of any background context that could have been gleaned from the rest of my writing), about how the ultimate message of merlin bbc is that “the only correct way to fight oppression is to suck your oppressors dick.”

like.  was that necessary?

if we were friends, or even acquaintances, you would know that i do in fact talk about this theme a lot.  but we’re not, and i am not interested in having a conversation with someone whose first message to me was a) an unsolicited argument and b) a reference to metaphorically sucking someone off.  i have literally never met you before in my life.  you did not say hello, you did not introduce yourself.  and you jumped right into that?  

it’s just not polite.  i wouldn’t approach a stranger like that in real life.  it’s not cool to do it on the internet, either.

and just to be clear - i don’t have anything personally against any of the people who have ever sent me messages like this.  i’m not mad about it, and i really do think that for the most part it’s not intended to be malicious in any way; i just think people legitimately don’t register that this isn’t an okay way to approach someone.  so just - in the spirit of maybe helping people pause before they interact with somebody else like this, because i’m pretty chill myself, but other people might be more rankled by it - please, next time, just stop and think for a second.  if it helps to ask yourself “would i interact with this person like this if we were off the internet,” then definitely consider that.  entering someone else’s space for the sole purpose of leaving them negative commentary, when you have never met them before, and when they did not come anywhere near you or ask for your attention or approach you in any way, is not a good way to start a conversation with a stranger, especially when that person’s work specifically states “these are my own thoughts, not a directive for how others should do things/if you have a different take, no worries; feel free to just scroll past.” 

*deep breath* ...anyhow.  

there is no “friends-only” option on tumblr, so i don’t really know what else i can do to make it clear that i am only writing about my own thoughts and my own experiences, and if your thoughts and experiences are different, cool!  go have fun!  i don’t need you to agree with me about everything.  i will never, ever come to your blog and leave you notes about all the ways i think your analysis is flawed, especially when i’ve never met you and haven’t read your other work, plenty of which address the “disagreements” i have.  i just don’t think it’s a polite or fun thing to do to others, and i would love it if people could extend me the same courtesy.

[dirtybiowareconfessions]

So, you don't post character hate but you'll post transphobic things? Weird priorities. Even if their confession wasn't intended to be transphobic, it still is. Intentions don't matter, actions do. And in this case, the action was offensive. But it's great you added a transphobia tag! Maybe you can add a homophobia tag too! Sexist tag?? Sign me up! Or maybe, just don't post anything like that? A comment made out of ignorance can be forgiven as long as they learn from their mistake and do better.

Mod edi here. Long post ahead.

TL;DR: we fucked up, and I am truly sorry. The confession is taken down.

First things first, I am non-binary & demi/pan. I have been here on DBC for a long time, a follower at first, then a mod. What I saw in this blog back when I first found it, what I still want to see in as now, is a friendly place for anyone to explore their sexuality and gender. This is why I joined, this is why I’m still here - for the sake of community in general and my fellow LGBT+ people in particular.

This is why I want to protect our followers, to understand and support everyone.

This is also why I keep fucking up.

I am not outright trans, or gay; I’m always halfway, always coming up with excuses and explanations, always giving people the benefit of the doubt. Reeling in my initial feeling of “this is wrong”.

Maybe they didn’t mean it that way, maybe the OP is trans himself, maybe this, maybe that. I read life stories of trans men who gave birth. I read stories of trans men terrified of those things. There is no universal truth.

But there is compassion.

The negative impact of a confession like the one in question outweighs its possible - theoretical - “positive” impact. For the OP, the subject is likely a fleeting fantasy they might have already forgotten about; for a trans man, it can be a stone in a landslide, the kind of landslide they can’t forget or log out of when it gets too much.

I pledged to be an ally. I claimed to support trans people. And then I fucked up because I disregarded my initial knee-jerk reaction in favor of “maybe they didn’t mean it like that”.

There can be no excuse, and I’m not asking forgiveness. All I can say is that I am, truly, deeply sorry, and I see that post as a mistake.

You, anon, and everyone else who has spoken up - you all are absolutely right to be angry at me for letting this slide, shaking off responsibility with a hand-wave and a warning tag. It’s hypocrysy, and I can’t stand it. How can we do this, claiming technically it’s not against the rules because it’s not “illegal”? I don’t know if I can live with myself as a mod of this blog if we start posting confessions that cause our followers and ourselves so much grief.

Maybe it wasn’t meant as a hateful message, but it left me and Raven both feeling iffy. We have been back and forth on the matter for almost two days now, and I think I’ve made up my mind.

Any amount of joy that confession might bring to someone is disproportionate to the grief it cost. I can’t stand the thought of our most vulnerable followers experiencing the betrayal of us siding with some thoughtless, careless fetishism. These are not the ideals I want to uphold. I might be biased, and there will be people who might call it censorship, there might be accusations of giving in to the pressure, but… the more I think about it, the less I want to set a precedent of betraying my community.

This time, I’m putting my people first.

-edi