#inspires feelings of great envy and personal failure in me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

araminthe · 5 months ago

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Sunday 25 of August

Just me sharing some kinda random thoughts, good luck reading all that;

Writing takes time so I kinda took a break to have more time to work on myself.

So, those past few days have been great.

The key is really to get back up everytime you fail. There's nothing else that will help but being persistent in your efforts.

Anyway, 2 days ago I watched a video on YouTube that inspired me a lot. It was a girl that filmed herself throughout her teenage years and she put all those short videos into a long chronological one.

I felt nostalgic, it brought back this feeling of sweet childhood and the simplacity of life.

I deeply believe that by evolving, we humans have lost something essential; I couldn't describe it with simple words, but it's the fact that not being connected to the rest of the world makes you feel more alive in the moment.

Being able to enjoy the mundane everyday life. Getting to enjoy all the small things around; like time spent with family, friends, sharing a meal, getting interested in what's around, creating, enjoying hobbies, being proud of every small thing we did. Just being happy. I believe that this simplicity is partially the key to happiness, and we forgot it with the rise of social media, and this infinite content.

We're way too connected to a digital life to be able to enjoy our real one.

Anyway, that's just an opinion I formed with my personal observations and experiences.

What I wanted to say is that after watching this video (btw it's called "documented my teenage years" by Lili Saori), it brought out many feeling things from deep within my soul. It made me envy this simple happiness and joy I was able to have in the past.

So, I just decided to keep going in my process of self-growth. I also decided to disconnect a bit more from the digital world to enjoy more the present moment and my family.

I feel like it worked.

Those last few days, I did go out with my family, and I felt more joy those days than I used to, like a peace of mind. The more adequate way to describe it is that, It feels like since I'm curing myself from my addictions (like from phones and excessive dopamine) I gained back the ability to taste and feel the peacefulness and sweetness of life.

Which is why I've been feeling kinda euphorical those past few days.

I've also worked on my faith and I feel like God is helping me accomplish all of that. I always forget it, but everytime I go back to my faith and try to strengthen, I start to feel peaceful and fulfilled again, and everything else I try to do starts becoming easier to.

Well enough for my thoughts.

Now what I actually did is that is that I studied and practiced my faith more.

I did no work concerning my driving license, I didn't feel like it so it was kinda a resting period to first heal the essential; which is my soul.

It wasn't at all perfect because I fell back into very bad sleeping and eating habits.

But you know, failing is a part of the process.

There are things I've been trying to improve on for such a long time, since we're so impatient we tend to change the change immediately, but it's a process so it comes slowly, with failures and successes.

After this reflecting time, I kinda had this clarity of mind where I figured out lots of things.

So suddenly I woke up after 4h30 of sleep, feeling super energized, after trying for an hour I couldn't go back to sleep so I just decided to work. I worked for 2h, and I feel very proud because I had lost my capacity to focus and work like that for a very long time.

Short form content had very badly messed me up. It's even the reason I failed almost all of my exams of this year, even though it's my first year of uni. Which is why I have to redo to year.

I was completely unable to study even though I used to be such a good student through all my school years, it made me feel so miserable. I don't want to go trough that again.

And school starts in 2 weeks again and I am scared of the same thing happening to me again, wanting to work but being unable to.

But I will do my best and swear to not let myself down again.

Anyway, I worked a lot, then slept again for 3 hours, and I woke up feeling very good.

I spent lot of time with family and felt kinda high on life.

Everything made me happy.

Talking to my parents, with my siblings, etc..

Because I'm usually so distant with them.

I love them but never show it. Like I have no emotional connection to them. But I do.

I'm just not a big feeler. But anyway, it's nice to feel truly happy again after such a long time of despair.

Being happy and having small moments of joy in between your struglles is not the same.

And after that, I also worked a whole lot again on my driving license.

I almost spent half my day on that.

I thing in 2 or 3 days, I will be able to take the exam and finally go to the practical step.

For the moment I'm taking the theoretical test and I have to learn all the rules and advices for learning, there were more than I hundred lessons I swear.

It makes me so excited to think that I will finally get to drive a car, (even though it's for learning for the moment.)

Well, that kinda was a long monoligue.

But writing has this healing effect on me.

The inside of my head is so unorganised, writing slows down this thought process and makes it more clear and organized.

It's a form of self-help.

Anyway.

If you read this, well done, that surely was not an easy or entertaining task, but I appreciate the time you've given to it.

Wish everyone the best.

Keep going. Efforts are accumulated and failing is part of the process. Just get back up and do not lose sight of your goals.

Nothing's impossible, just give it time and you will see your results.

Sending love, bye ! 👋 🩷

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andydreamzzzz · 2 years ago

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My first and only ever post on Lindsey Way

I believe in second chances, and I think that for public figures, second chances lie in the celebrity’s real attempt to evolve and become better people. In this life, we will make mistakes, we will be too angry and say the wrong thing, we will bully others and have blind spots for people we love. None of us will be perfect, and the pain we feel from our own faults and failures as people trying to grow and be better is not fun or easy. So I can imagine how much of it is multiplied, to what I’m sure is an incomprehensible degree, when fame and mental illnesses are involved.

The ‘Lindsey issue’ feels dark, because it is. It’s not a matter of.. Wow, misogyny is being used against her. It’s more like being able to notice distinctive patterns of lies and strange behavior enough to be deeply concerned by them. There is so much crap in Lindsey’s past that is questionable: her troubling beef with fans (I means, she was fighting with children lol), an inability to keep friendships, the plagiarism accusations and so on that speak loudly of her character. But I’m surprised that more people don’t bring up the post she made about being ‘cursed’ by Luscious Jackson or @luscioiusjckson on twitter, more often. It is the one post which convinced me personally that the lens through which she views the world is fucked.

In it, she complains about the envy she feels for her husband’s fame. She victimizes herself, as she often does, by creating the narrative that this is her fault. Her fault for being an evil, greedy fan and so now her punishment is to be hounded by evil, greedy fans who will only show up for her husband instead of her brilliance. Her gift is to be brilliant, but her curse is to be erased by a faceless mob who used to be like her. It’s a great story to be honest, it sounds like a fairytale. A Beauty and the Beast like lesson of yearlong curses, the evils of arrogance and the sacrifices we make for love.

But alas, that’s not really what’s happening here, instead the protagonist is envious, and wishes for a ‘cleaner’ fame to satisfy her envy. Can you imagine Gerard seeing that, and Lindsey being like: it’s not about YOU, it’s about the fans. Sure.. they’re YOUR fans, BUT they’re the ones who hate me, and want to ruin me. Why must you, my love, be so famous?

How could Gerard feel? …How are her words not to be taken in any other way than manipulative and mean spirited? It’s not a plea for independence, it’s a declaration of resentment wrapped in a martyrdom costume (Bloom anyways? Anyone?) Do you want an example of two powerful partners who support each other without envy? Search interviews of Serena Williams and her husband Alexis Ohanian (who is the founder of Reddit.) It’s not only possible, but NORMAL to love the success of your partner and to feel inspired by them.

So yes, I believe in second chances.. and a part of me does hope she meets her potential as an artist and as a person with the capability to inspire. However, I also know that giving into envy is a seedless endeavor and even though it happened a few years ago, the fact that she felt righteous in posting such a senseless rattle the same month the band broke up is...insane. I’ll be interested in seeing her upcoming art exhibit even though her last Instagram post is already about victimhood. She’s been such a consistent victim that I don’t know if she’ll gain the sudden sense of self-awareness needed to see past her own needs and be better person.

Her full post:

#Lindsey Way #my chemical romance #MCR #Gerard Way #time to touch grass and not think about these people for a while #msi #lyn z

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literaticat · 2 years ago

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Do you have any tips for authors on how to deal with jealousy (both theirs and other people's)?

There might be something on the pinned post in the FAQs that would be a "pep talk" of sorts about Keeping Your Eyes on Your Own Paper, but I haven't checked. There IS a great post from Gwenda Bond that addresses this, though, and it's a lengthy but excellent read -- needless to say, I agree with Gwenda that comparing yourself to other people and their careers is both maddening and fruitless.

A highlight:

"No one ever really feels comfortable or assured of their place and always always confident in their work and whether it will succeed in the market. The more failure, the more pressure. The more success, the more pressure.

The only answer [...] is to keep writing and see. Keep trying to get better. Keep your eyes on your own paper. All writing careers are icebergs–there's more happening than what you see above the surface–but I can guarantee you that any news that would make you envious or sad or disappointed is probably the result of the person doing one key thing: Writing. It's much easier to focus on what you're putting on the page when you're not letting yourself be distracted by things that do not matter to your career and have no direct relation to it. And you will also have to learn to focus when you're being distracted by things that do matter to your career and directly relate to it. Learning to focus and work no matter what our circumstances (unless you're trapped in a cage with a tiger or similar, obvs) stands us all well."

Do read it. MEANWHILE -- I was listening to the Book Friends Forever podcast this morning and the topic was, "what makes you remarkable" -- something that they said struck me as quite profound. Basically, Alvina said that one of the things that she admires Grace for is Grace's generosity. And Grace said (paraphrasing) -- really? I mean, I don't FEEL generous. A lot of times I feel envious or have FOMO or wish I had what another person has. Which, Alvina replied, perhaps makes it all the more remarkable - that you can feel these ways and react with generosity despite them.

And it led me to something I'm still thinking about now: Perhaps the opposite of Jealousy is GENEROSITY. And maybe, if we are feeling a green-eyed monster kind of way (which is normal and natural and we all feel it sometimes!) -- instead of letting ourselves get eaten up by it -- see if you can react with generosity. REAL generosity. Like, bigger than just gritting your teeth and saying "oh, congrats" when you really want to set the person's house on fire. :-)

I wonder if that would work? Like, you are feeling the envy, you grit your teeth and say congrats -- but then instead of sitting with that mean-ness, you also purposely do something tangible that is GENEROUS. Make a donation to a cause you believe in. Create something to share with people you love (or strangers on the internet). Bring some unexpected joy to somebody by telling them how much their book meant to you.

(Randomly: I got a text yesterday from a friend praising one of my clients books and I have to tell you -- it completely turned my day around! They might have thought nothing of it, but it was in fact deeply meaningful to hear and TRULY changed my entire outlook for the day. I hope that them getting to SAY that was half as good-inspiring as my hearing it was!)

My point is: I'm no scientist, but I KINDA feel like a dose of generosity will do a lot to counteract a bout of envy. I'm going to try it next time I'm feeling green. Will you?

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notcapableofbeingtheguy · 4 years ago

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HANK’S TRANSFORMATION AS REACTION TO TRAUMA— DECENTER THE SELF

“I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.”— 3x07, One Minute

(Main Post)

To understand how Hank’s trauma transforms him over the course of the show, let’s start by thinking about what Hank is like at the beginning of the show.

At the beginning of the show, Hank is the picture of toxic masculine arrogance. In the Pilot, Walt envies Hank for his power and confidence. Hank is cool, successful, manly, and everything Walt feels he is not. But we as the audience see how Hank’s ego is hurtful to those around him: he is callous, racist, misogynistic, and focuses more on the power involved in his job (the ~thrill of the bust~) than his potential to do good. What we don’t yet see, initially, though— and what it takes a great deal of trauma to reveal to Hank— is how his masculine arrogance, his obsession with himself, is also hurtful to himself.

Over the course of the first 2 and a half seasons, Hank experiences several traumatic incidents of witnessing and inflicting violent injury and death. First, Hank kills Tuco in a shoot out. Then he witnesses the tortoise explosion in El Paso. And he reacts to this trauma by engaging in increasingly reckless violent behavior— starting with bar fights, and ending with his brutal beating of Jesse.

Why does Hank react in this way? I believe it’s because, up until his beating of Jesse, Hank’s ego prevents him from properly coping with his PTSD. Hank is shaken by the violent incidents he is involved with in the field— exhibiting clear symptoms of PTSD. He has panic attacks and insomnia and startles at loud noises. Hank interprets all this as his mind and body failing him, failing to live up to his idea of a proper man and a proper cop. To accept that he has PTSD, that he has reacted to these situations emotionally, rather than brushing these violent instances off like a Real ManTM, would be to totally shatter his image of himself. So, he doesn’t accept this. When Walt suggests Hank talk to a therapist upon returning from El Paso, Hank immediately rejects the idea, saying “[if you] start going down that road, [you can] kiss your career goodbye” (2x 08, Better Call Saul). He has so built himself up in his own mind, that he believes if he admits any weakness, he will lose everything— his job, the respect of his wife and friends, himself. He won’t confront his trauma, and he won’t confront his reaction to it, and he certainly won’t confront how his natural reaction to the trauma makes him feel (frustrated, humiliated).

So he turns the anger and frustration he has with himself and his failing mind and body outwards. He is violent and reckless. In episode 3x03, I.F.T, Hank has a panic attack in a bar bathroom, from thinking about the possibility of being sent back to El Paso. And then he proceeds to pick a fight with two other patrons, under the guise of DEA business, but clearly actually because he needs to outlet his rage and panic. And Hank’s reaction is even worse when he believes Marie has been hurt (after Saul places the false call in Sunset). He is first thrown into a panic, and then into an uncontrollable rage— leading him to brutally beat Jesse. But this turns out to be the turning point for Hank, the moment when he truly, authentically changes in response to his trauma.

Let’s focus in on the brief moment in between Hank’s beating of Jesse, and his grueling near death experience with The Twins. The crucible moment when Hank’s transformation as I have described it— his decentering of the self— begins. This moment is actually one episode, and it’s one of my favorites: 3x07, One Minute. In beating Jesse as he did— blatantly outside of the boundaries of his job, Hank realizes he has gone too far. This violence touches his personal life— he fears for Marie’s life, and reacts by beating a civilian as a civilian— and so it is harder to make excuses for it as just another part of being in the DEA. Hank knows what he did was wrong. And this is (forgive the metaphor) the Jenga piece that makes the whole pile topple. He finally admits to himself (and to Marie) that “ever since that Salamanca thing” he’s been “unraveling.” He admits that his shooting of Tuco and the El Paso incident are the reasons for his violent and wrong behavior— that they have damaged him. He finally admits that he has been traumatized, and he has reacted to it poorly.

And after admitting this, Hank does something incredible. Something unprecedented in terms of who we have seen him to be previously in the show. He admits fault, he takes responsibility, and he quits the DEA. We see Hank truly and honestly humbled— he admits to both his weaknesses and his wrongdoings, with an unparalleled level of grace and self-awareness. He starts to become a better, more honest, more responsible, less arrogant person. He even weeps openly in front of Marie. This episode is Hank’s high point of the series, in terms of integrity and strength of character.

But then, oh then, there is fresh trauma for Hank.

Hank’s violent injury at the hands of The Twins, and his grueling recovery, hammer home even harder the fears and insecurities Hank had when his trauma was just emotional. Hank’s injury brings him to his lowest point— he is bed-bound, unemployed, and needs his wife’s help to take a shit. Everything Hank was feeling before— about the failure of his mind and body to live up to his masculine ideals— comes back with a vengeance.

And this does continue to humble Hank in the positive sense I described above. I believe that the incredible detective work that Hank is able to do in seasons 4 and 5 is enabled by this increased humility. I think it’s very apt when Hank says, in One Minute, “the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.” Hank’s strokes of investigative genius — first those that lead him to Gus Fring, and then the pivotal revelation that Walt is Heisenberg— could well be described as him simply listening to the universe, in a way he wasn’t ready to before. Gus had primed the DEA to never suspect him with his cop-loving act, but Hank was able to get outside of that bias and make that mental leap when all the other officers refused to believe it. He listened to what the evidence told him. And, though you could argue that Hank finding Gale’s book in Walt’s bathroom was purely random, I think Hank’s willingness to even consider Walt as a potential Heisenberg (let alone to extrapolate that possibility from a set of initials and a visually identified handwriting match on a random book) shows significant growth. There are countless moments before that in the series of incredible dramatic irony, where the idea of Walt as a drug dealer would occur to Hank, and he would immediately dismiss them as ludicrous. Because, of course, if Walt were a criminal, Hank would have to be an idiot to have been fooled by him for so long. There was a barrier of ego that was keeping Hank from considering that possibility. And only when it was removed, was Hank ready to listen to what the universe revealed to him.

But, the effects of Hank’s injury on him are not all positive.

Hank is brought SO low, and is SO humbled by his injury, that it moves to the point of humiliation. And he reacts to this by turning his attention away from himself and towards his fanatic obsessions. He decenters himself, by centering his whole life on something else. First there are, of course, his minerals. Then, he becomes obsessed with taking down Gus Fring. Then, finally, he becomes obsessed with taking down Walt.

This fanaticism is bad for Hank. His fanatic obsession with minerals almost destroys his marriage. His legally dubious pursuit of Gus Fring threatens his fragile career (and, unbenknownst to him, puts him on Gus’s hit list). And his fanatic pursuit of Walt eventually leads to his death. This fanaticism goes so wrong for Hank because, I would argue, fanatic external obsession ignores the self, where true humility accepts the self in all its flaws. Think back to Hank’s humble behavior following his beating of Jesse. Hank actually thought a lot about himself— he analyzed the patterns of behavior he’d had since his encounter with Tuco, admitted to his weaknesses, and took responsibility for his actions. He deflated his ego by taking a look at himself honestly, rather than by refusing to look at himself at all. But, after his injury, this is just what Hank does— refuses to examine himself, instead spending all his energy on something else. And that turns out to be Hank’s fatal flaw.

If Hank had examined himself instead of buying so many minerals, he would have seen he was ashamed of his physical disability and was taking that anger out on his wife. And he could have rectified that much sooner. If Hank had examined himself instead of relentlessly investigating Gus Fring, he would have seen that he was going back to the same type of crooked police work that he previously realized he was doing and quit the force because of. And he could have conducted his investigation more safely and ethically. If Hank had examined himself instead of fanatically pursuing Walt, he would have seen that he was furious with himself for failing to see Walt was Heisenberg sooner, and felt a need to redeem himself. And then maybe he would have been humble enough to ask for help from other DEA agents instead of going it on his own. And maybe, he would have survived.

Ironically, Hank’s attempts to think less about himself and his problems, actually ended up letting those problems rule his life.

Hank’s story is, in the end, a tragedy. We see the kind of positive growth Hank is capable of. His reaction to his trauma— the way he uses it to become a better person, husband, and detective— is often inspiring. By season 5, because of this growth, Hank arguably becomes the hero of the show. But, painfully, he isn’t able to grow quite enough. His ego remains involved in his detective work— though this time in the opposite direction (he frantically tries to ignore himself, rather than inflating himself, but this ends up involving him too much in his work nonetheless). And this, among the various sins of other characters, leads to Hank’s death. Which is so painful to see, because we know what Hank was capable of in terms of self-reflection, growth, and integrity. We know what he fell short of.

#breaking bad #brba #hank schrader #hank #brba analysis #brba meta #trauma post series #y’all...#i fuckin love hank schrader #im so sad he’s dead #rewatching One Minute repeatedly to write this post CHANGED ME #hope y’all are enjoying my dissertation

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rpmemesbyarat · 4 years ago

Conversation

RP meme from "Chapter Two: The Kithain" in Changeling: The Dreaming (20th anniversary edition) Part One of Two

"Humans define themselves by more than just species. They identify with certain races and cultures, separate themselves by generation or ideology, and express individuality while simultaneously looking for ways to connect with others like them. How they look, who they love, where they live, what they believe — these are all building blocks of identity."

"This desperate aversion to moving on does have its own consequences."

"Though the wisdom to temper the idea is sometimes there, the sheer excitement can sweep anyone off their feet quickly enough to disregard it."

"While these impulses aren’t usually much of a problem, it’s easy to forget that not every dream is a sweet one — nightmares can come to life, too."

"Every teddy bear protector is there to fight something,

after all."

"These things can be distracting at any age, especially for someone working in a dreary office or in a highly repetitive job."

"With little care for consequences or thinking through the details, they don’t consider the harm that will come to others, intentionally or unintentionally, in their pursuits."

"While they don’t have an inherently negative outlook, they are more likely to put their personal interests over those of others."

"Becoming jaded and unwilling to take risks is the death of childhood."

"Something may captivate them for a time, but once all the mystery is gone from it, they’ll just as easily drop one pursuit for another that still has questions to answer."

"Wonder lies in the discovery of a new species or an unexplored biome, and beauty in chemical bonds or lines of code."

"Repetition can quickly become a rut, and make even the most wondrous work commonplace and mundane."

"Whether they fight to preserve or subvert the ruling class as it stands, they all long to make their mark in one way or another."

"Even when caught, they are unlikely apologize for their actions, and instead have a dozen ways to justify them."

"Some enjoy collecting art and creating galleries to inspire others, or amass vast libraries of literature or music to the same purpose."

"They have an innate knack of deciphering relationships and picking up “overheard” tidbits of information."

"They explore the world with wonder in their eyes and will talk to anyone who will sit still long enough to listen and put up with the incessant questions."

"Their reputation for being consummate craftspeople is well learned."

"This does not apply to a sworn enemy."

"Rowdy fools, the lot of them."

"Rowdy fools, the lot of them. Still, they can be quite entertaining. . .so long as you keep them from breaking the china."

"They make wonderful guests and tell the most delightful tales, but they never stay for long."

"Pay heed to their stories and you may learn something."

"Their obsessions tend to make them boring conversationalists."

"Never leave them alone in a room if you want to be able to find anything afterward."

"They are quite entertaining at parties, but never stick around to help clean up."

"Foul mouthed and rude beasties, they are."

"Be careful how much wine you offer them. They can become quite. . . err. . .enthusiastic."

"No place on land, no friendship, and not even love can hold them."

"A selkie’s heart belongs to the sea and to the sea they will always return."

"They still understand the old ways but they do not always understand our ways."

"Things have changed and they are going to need to learn to adapt."

"It seems that they value little other than honor and duty."

"They are strong, yes, but they are more than simple brutes."

"They don’t lie outright, but they do love to tell a tall tale, often embellishing the story for the sake of humor or to build excitement."

"A good donnybrook clears the air, breaks the tension, and reveals hidden passions and personality traits."

"Nothing wrong with cutting loose a bit now and then!"

"Don’t leave them alone with your prize possessions; you’ll never know what’ll come up missing."

"They don’t understand limits — their own or anyone else’s."

"What a bunch of bullies!"

"Don’t underestimate them."

"Graceful, beautiful, mysterious, and always just beyond reach."

"They stayed by us and fought. That’s worth something."

"What we do today will live long after us, carried in the stories told by our children and our children’s children."

"Nothing new to learn here."

"Anger and foul language doesn’t make for a very good tale."

"There’s joy to be found in their revels, but take care!"

"They think themselves the kings and queens of this world, but they’ve never walked its many paths."

"How can they rule what they don’t understand and have never really valued?"

" I’ve heard it said that the real hero is the one who stays."

"I know I know. . .I’ve worked on the damned thing all week and it’s still not right."

"Maybe if you stop breathing down my neck, or better yet, just leave me the fuck alone and I’ll get it done."

"When they are forced to have social contact they are eminently sarcastic with everyone around them, and blazingly critical of anyone in charge."

"Artists, builders, crafters, and even writers all know the torment of “knowing” that their work is not good enough, that it will never be understood."

"People are mercurial, have feelings that can be easily hurt, and once broken they cannot be repaired in the same way as a tool or device."

"They are willing to take chances in order to come up with the newest and most fantastic design, often resulting in catastrophic (and sometimes humorous) failures."

"Rather than seeking the newest and most innovative designs, they have a deep desire for perfection — which, much to their chagrin, they can never attain."

"Sometimes all it takes is a kick and a few harsh words to scare a machine into working again."

"They’re fast, so they’re either cheap or good, too. You don’t get all three."

"Drunks and power tools don’t mix."

"Sorry, was that insensitive? Bite me."

"They just don’t know when to shut up."

"Sometimes they have something important to say, but you have to sift through the meandering drivel to find anything useful."

"Unruly and reckless children."

"Useless furballs!"

"Dangerous folk, but sometimes useful, especially if you want to dispose of some unwanted evid. . .err. . .garbage."

"Hedonistic freaks, the lot of ‘em."

"Don’t fall in love with one."

"Damn dusty in here."

"They think they’re hot stuff, but they don’t understand this world and its workings as we do."

"They want to rule, and who are we to say no."

"They pay well and I’ll happily take their commissions."

"Buncha creepy a-holes, if you ask me."

"Skulking around, up to no good, I’m sure of it."

"They are the strongest and toughest of us all, but their hearts can be surprisingly tender."

"I don’t know how it found its way into my pocket. Of course you can have it back. . .unless you don’t need it right now. I’d be happy to hang onto it for you until you do."

"I can’t imagine being tied down like that."

"We’ll wander many paths together, but in the end, they are who they are, and we never really are anything quite that specific."

"What is truth, but something we all agree upon? So, if we all agree upon a lie, isn’t it then truth?"

"Anything they say is likely to be peppered with lies, half-truths, and misinformation."

"Humans have always dreamed of a better, more carefree life."

"Lazy and reckless. And they keep all of the cake to themselves!"

"Drunken reprobates, every last one of them."

"Not exactly the most even tempered folks. Playing pranks on them can be a lot of fun though."

"It must be wonderful to always be at the center of every political intrigue."

"They start the shit that we have to finish."

"Just don’t get them started on how they’re royalty or some crap."

"You want to pound back a drink or wild out on the town, they’re the place to be."

"Mmm, seafood."

"You’d think such pretty folks would be easy to intimidate, but make that mistake and you’ll bite off more than even you can chew."

"Those nearby may experience a brief frisson of pure lust."

"How can such a simple life be a truly satisfying one?"

"A fight’s only as good as the kissing and making up after."

"So sweet and innocent. Cover their eyes before they see something naughty."

"Their passions are too dark and frightening."

"Someone so beautiful should never want for passion."

"I will return. . .one day. . .I promise."

"The sea gives and the sea takes away."

"A person’s secrets should be their own."

"Sharks that walk on two legs. Trust them at your own peril."

"They too are gifted with great beauty, but they wield their allure like a weapon."

"You think nobility a privilege, and you envy and resent us for it, but you cannot see that it is also a burden few would truly wish to bear."

"They must learn that respect must first be given in order to be received."

"Tremendously useful and occasionally even trustworthy, but beware what you allow them to slip into their pockets. You may never see it again."

"Who are these strange creatures?"

"What they know is invaluable, but can you really be certain they are sharing their knowledge with you alone?"

#changeling the dreaming #World Of Darkness #owod #rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #roleplay memes

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sleep-i-ness · 4 years ago

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Bad Date? (Maria Hill x reader)

Request: YES (at end of oneshot)

Content Warning: Drinking, mentions of cheating

A/N: Here you go hun! I didn’t really know how to write the reader as a tomboy so sorry if it wasn’t quite what you wanted. Oh and one bit was a tiny bit inspired by Two Weeks Notice (with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock) so if you notice that well done? Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Taglist: @holybatflapexpert @startrekkingaroundasgard @natasha-danvers @a-stressedstudent (if you would like to be added, please fill out the form in my bio)

A loud knock at the door startled Maria out of her administration haze; she sighed, taking in the heap of strewn sheets. Her usually immaculate desktop was barely visible under the mountain of paperwork that had just been piling up endlessly since her day had started. It was already looking like she might have to stay well past her contractually mandated hours just to clear what she already had. The legal team at Stark Industries had been on the phone with her non-stop, demanding evidence or explanations that were either highly confidential, non-existent or possibly even both. Maria was honestly sick to death of having to clean up both the physical and PR messes of the Avengers.

“Come in.” She was unable to muster any energy into her order, hoping to whatever mighty being out there that it was an agent she could actually stand. Or really just any agent other than Agent Mace. He had been needlessly suffocating, bouncing into her office, whenever he so pleased, to ask a question that really only required the most miniscule amount of brainpower to be answered. It was a miracle he had ever been hired.

Y/N poked her head through the door, an easy smile tilting her lips upwards. Maria returned the infectious grin despite herself, a giddy, light sensation spreading through her chest.

“Oh, good, Agent Y/L/N. These are the mission debriefs that you filed, would you mind taking them down to Agent Coulson?” Maria rifled through the stuffed drawer by her leg and passed her a thick brown file.

Y/N grabbed it, their fingertips brushing lightly and Maria jolted slightly as an electric spark shot up her arm. “Sure, I got it.”

“Now, after you’ve dropped them down, you can start with the files for your next-”

Y/N interrupted her, smiling sheepishly, “Actually, I don’t know how much time I have. That’s what I came here to ask you about. Tony sort of set me up on a date with someone tonight.”

Maria’s heart sank, a sickening heavy feeling, and she wasn’t quite sure why. She shook it off, blaming it on a sudden bout of exhaustion and mustered an enthusiastic grin. Scraping the papers on her desk together, she stapled them together with a satisfying click.

“Great.”

Y/N took that as a dismissal as she backed away, towards the door. “I just have to figure out what to wear. I don't have anything.”

Y/N almost giggled and a wave of nausea rolled over Maria as she swallowed harshly. Y/N looked ready to soar with joy, like an entrapped bird in a cage that she held the key to.

“Have fun.” Maria couldn’t help the bitterness seeping into her words and Y/N’s face contorted, startled for a second, before schooling herself into a more composed expression.

What the hell was that. Maria was astounded as Y/N backed out without another word, a placating smile fixed to her cheeks. She attributed her sudden passive-aggressiveness on an envy of being able to leave work without feeling the immense burden of knowing how much else she had to do. But she’d never had this problem before when it came to her work-life balance.

Maybe she was finally feeling the need to get back into a relationship.

Maria groaned as the clock hand hit seven and she hadn’t seemed to have made a dent int the pile. She’d have to work the night on this lot; she was prepping an incredibly time-pressured, high-stakes mission, so they were sending the team out tomorrow. The window had been made known to them only a couple hours ago, at most.

She wondered if Y/N was having a better night than her. A nice dinner out, good conversation and freely flowing wine. Then, dancing in the arms of her pretty date and maybe getting a kiss goodnight.

No. This was unprofessional. Maria shook her head, blinking hurriedly, as she tried to clear her mind of any distracting thoughts.

Work.

Right…

Eliott Callahan, ex-CIA, presumed deceased after a mission went wrong in 2007. Recently resurfaced with links to the Tribe of Salvation, an organisation that had been previously unknown until ties to the Ten Rings had been revealed. Supposedly owned a scientific reserve in North Carolina which was too heavily guarded to not be hiding anything. Callahan had given them a way in, now they needed to take the place out.

Maria’s eyes watered as she stared at the security schematics and the notes made by top SHIELD security specialists. God, she wished she had Y/N here to give her some advice on it. Y/N’s expertise was in getting into places she shouldn’t be, which is how SHIELD had found her. But Y/N was having fun on a nice date with a nice girl and Maria couldn’t help but admitting that it had brightened her day to see Y/N happy.

The last mission, Lima, had taken a toll on everyone’s mental health, and Maria couldn’t help but blame herself for the failure. Four of their top agents had been taken out and the others, who had barely survived, had still not passed their psych evals. Today had been the first time Y/N had been visibly giddy or enthusiastic about anything since then.

“Hi.”

Maria scooted her chair to face the door; head buried in a document as she muttered the lines to herself as she read. Lifting her head slowly, she blinked owlishly at the figure in the door.

“Y/N?”

Y/N hovered in the doorway, still wearing a very flattering suit that Maria couldn’t help but admire. She offered Maria a small but weary smile, shifting from foot to foot.

“Come in, take a seat, how was it?” Maria wasn’t sure if she were acting enthusiastic enough to believably be realistically overjoyed for Y/N having been on a date, but she was sure she could instead pass as being worn out.

Y/N slumped into the hard-plastic chair, which rolled backwards due to her momentum. Unlacing her shoes, she yanked them off and massaged the soles of her feet. She stretched out her stocking-covered legs, gently rubbing circles into the back of her ankles and calves.

“It was horrendous,” Y/N groaned, tilting her head back in exasperation. “I mean, does Tony know me at all? Coulson made me babysit him for 3 years, he should know me better than to set me up with someone like that.”

“Like that?”

“Oh, God, she was about 20 minutes late and didn’t get off her phone the entire time. When she finally made some conversation, it was all about her ex-boyfriends. Like, not even ex-girlfriends. And she was always texting at the table. How rude is that!” Y/N’s cheeks were flushed pink and her eyes were glazed as she yawned, delicately raising a hand to cover a mouth while she stretched out like a cat. Y/N smiled sleepily at Maria as she curled into the uncomfortable chair.

Maria returned the smile softly, somewhat reassured by Y/N’s vehement complaints. “Sounds awful. No second date then?”

“God no, I’d rather be reassigned to… to the Arctic!” Y/N threw her hands up dramatically, the seat wobbling beneath her.

“That can be arranged.”

Y/N was unimpressed by Maria’s dry tone, bottom lip jutting out as she folded her arms sulkily.

A sudden thought popped into her mind. She brightened abruptly, sitting up again. “As if you’d do that. You wouldn’t survive without me.”

“You wish.” Y/N was cute while tipsy, Maria mused, before jolting at the thought. No, she was her supervisor, she could not be thinking like that.

“So, tell me.” Y/N’s chin was slipping off her hand as she yawned, elbow firmly planted on the desk. “I’ve told you how shit my date was, what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?”

Maria paused as she took a mental step back from all the work thoughts accumulating at the back of her head. “Well, back in high school, it wasn’t really a date. At least, I hadn’t thought it was because I’d just come out. To everyone. And I went out for lunch with a friend, a guy named Tyler and he ended up telling me that he could turn me straight again. He also decided to show me the numerous photos of his penis. He had a whole folder on his phone in different lightings and from different angles.”

Y/N had clapped a hand over her mouth, “That’s horrendous, I don’t think I could ever look at someone the same if they did that. Like unsolicited and all that.”

“Yeah, definitely was the final nail in putting me off men.”

Y/N giggled, a pretty sound that Maria couldn’t help but want to hear more of.

“So,” she began, pursing her lips as she tried to think of how to continue.

“So?” Maria laughed

“Yeah, so, tell me. Is there anyone in your life? Anyone special?”

Maria snorted. “No, God no. I haven’t had the time in all honesty; I’m barely on top of my work, never mind sorting out a love life at the same time.”

“I thought… I thought that you were dating Agent Hayes?”

“No, we broke up a while ago over… mutual difference involving work and personal lives becoming too heavily involved.”

“Okay… so that’s what you wrote on the official forms about your break-up. Now, tell me again with feelings. Come on, let’s have a proper deep chat.”

“Hm.” Maria glanced back at the document she’d discarded back onto the pile and groaned. There was clearly a better option of the two. “Fine. I’m sure you are aware of Agent Hayes’ reputation.” Y/N frowned and shook her head. “As a… honey trap. It seems that she was unable to remove that part of her life from our personal lives and decided to… practice on other agents and people in our lives.”

Maria spoke bitterly, expression twisted in a grimace like she had tasted something extremely sour.

“So, basically she’s a cheating bitch.”

“Yeah.” Maria nodded. That summarised her perfectly.

“Well, fuck her, we don’t need shitty women in our lives. Am I right or am I right?” Y/N’s voice rose as she declared her statement triumphantly, sending Maria a quick grin as she pumped a fist in the air.

“Yes, you’re right.” Maria was tentative, unsure whether she wanted to ask the words on the tip of her tongue. “Anyone else in your life?”

“Well,” Y/N took a deep breath, working up the courage to do something momentous. “I did like someone, but I thought they were dating someone, so I let Tony set me up on an absolutely awful blind date.” Her voice lowered to more of a murmur. “But now I found out that the woman I like is single.”

Maria blinked. Could she-? No. Well, there was no point in not trying. “What if the woman liked you back?”

“I’d probably ask if I could kiss her.” Y/N glanced at Maria’s lips, the glaze in her eyes no longer from alcohol.

“I think she’d say yes. She’d be pretty dumb not to.”

Y/N leant in, and Maria’s breath caught in her throat. She had to be dreaming. Their lips met and every thought flew out of her head as she melted into the kiss. Maria pulled away, laughing at Y/N’s pout.

“Wait. Come here.” Maria patted her lap and Y/N eagerly straddled her legs, one hand cupping her chin, the other on the back of her head. “That’s better.”

She kissed her again, an awestruck expression appearing on Y/N’s face as she grinned blissfully. Maria could smell the sweet scent of Y/N’s perfume invading her senses, everything blurring as her mind focused in on the way Y/N seemed to fit perfectly in her arms. Or the hand gripping the hair at the base of her neck as Y/N kept her head in place, the other caressing her cheek.

As they broke apart again, Y/N stayed on Maria’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck.

“I have to finish this work, but you’re welcome to stay and help. It’ll go twice as quickly.”

Y/N pecked her lips. “Deal.”

Request: Maria hill x female, tomboy, reader where Maria hears that tony set the reader up on a date with some girl he knew. Maria can’t stop thinking about it and ends up staying up through the night until r dare is over. Reader comes back after the date and they talk and reader makes fun of how bad the date was. (aren’t in relationship but get together after talking)

#maria hill #maria hill x reader #maria hill x you #commander hill #agent hill #agent #shield #avengers #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #marvel imagine #agent coulson #x reader

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itisannak · 5 years ago

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Let the sunshine in (Calum Hood Fluff)

Summary: Calum helps his wildflower feel better after a bad grade. (Request) (Words: 1.6k)

(3rd Person's POV) Calum absolutely hates silence in his house. He used to be ok with it when living alone, but since his girlfriend moved in with him, he became a fond lover of noise in the room. (Y/N) could light up the room, give life to everything, a superpower to his opinion. But it has been up to a week now since the house has sunken in silence, deafening silence. Along with her mood, everyone else's seems to have become blue, heavy, which makes no sense to him. Even Duke seems to mirror (Y/N)'s behavior, the usually energetic puppy now looking around in sadness all day.

More than the silence, Calum hates that he doesn't know what causes her to be so sad. His lovely wildflower is wilting and he has no idea why. He has tried to make her feel better, but as many times as he tried, that many times he has failed epically. His first guess was that fans have given her crap about whatever, so he went into a deep Twitter searching, looking up her name, hashtags about her, anything really, all possible combinations. He did the same on Instagram, snooping around fan pages, tags, tagged photos, but no luck on finding anything. Like everyone else in his life, his fans seem to adore his girlfriend, which is no surprise to him. Everyone loves (Y/N), and most of all, him. Then he called Crystal, Sierra, KayKay, (Y/B/F/N), almost all of (Y/N)'s friends, in hopes they would know something he didn't. But again, no one knew anything about (Y/N)'s sudden burnout, so he felt helpless.

(Y/N) has made herself one with the bed. She has been staring at the ceiling for as long as she can remember. She can't remember the last time she showered, only that she forced herself to get into the shower cabin. Her days have been a blur for the past week. It's not that she doesn't want to get up and go back to normal, but her body seems to defy her mind. It's cozy on this bed, she is safe from failure and disappointment there, why would she want to move?

"(Y/N), baby..." Calum calls from the door of their bedroom, but she just waves at him, no response. Calum walks in slowly as if moving faster would scare her away like a hurt kitten. "Hey, honey." He greets her, sitting on the edge of their bed. He leaves the bouquet on the bedside table, before leaning down to press a kiss on her forehead. He knows flowers always cheer his wildflower up. "It is pretty dark in here. How about we let the sunshine in? There is a lovely day outside." He says softly, stroking her hair. "I don't want to." She mumbles sadly, making him sigh a little frustrated. "Baby... What is going on?" He asks, looking at her as softly as she could. "Nothing. I am fine." She replies, but that doesn't convince her boyfriend much. "(Y/N), you are not fine. What is bothering that pretty mind of yours?" He asks her again, only causing her to turn her back to him. "I'll put these in some water." He sighs defeated, getting up from the bed. He doesn't want to push her, they never had the type of relationship where they needed to push each other to open up.

She feels horrible for shutting him down, but she is scared that if he knew, he would lose all his admiration. The thing Calum always brags about his girlfriend is how smart she is, how her brain is the prettiest thing on her. So, she couldn't risk letting him down, especially after she let herself down. She passed each and every one of her classes at once, with great grades too. And now that she is a breath shy from her degree, she fucked up a whole assignment, in one of the toughest courses of her final semester. And she fucked up a lot, only scoring a dooming 33% on the whole assignment. The only way she will be able to graduate with her degree in the upcoming finals month is by getting a nearly unachievable 90% on the finals. It is futile even trying, she knows she can't do that, so she just... gives up.

Calum decides that enough is enough; he is going to do everything to get his girlfriend out of the darkness. He scrolls through his phone, finding the song he is going to blast through the house for her. I've got sunshine on a cloudy day The music blasts through his speaker, and he burst through the door, going straight for the curtains. He opens them in a swift move, letting the rays of sun glaze the room.

When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May (Y/N) is looking at Calum confused, trying to decipher what is going on. Calum picks the flowers out of the bouquet, throwing them around the room. He reaches his hand out for her to take, but she throws herself back onto the soft mattress before he could help her up. But Calum is stubborn, so he takes her hand in his and pulls her up gently. I guess you'd say, What can make me feel this way? My girl Talking 'bout my girl He sings the part at the top of his lungs, dancing around the bedroom with her. For the first time in a while, she lets out a laugh, a laugh that fills the room and his heart.

I've got so much honey the bees envy me He cradles her face, looking at her with his most charming smile. She laughs again, burying her face in his neck. I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees He stretches his arm out letting her unfold away from him, before twirling her back to his chest.

I guess you'd say, What can make me feel this way? My girl

Talking 'bout my girl

He swings her to the rhythm, which only makes her giggle harder. Oh, how he has missed that sound. "There she is... My wildflower. My pretty girl, my happy girl..." He comments as the song plays in the background. "You are the sweetest boy." She comments, smiling at him before bringing her head to rest on his chest. "What is happening to you, my love? You can always talk to me, you know that..." He reminds her, stroking the small of her back. "I can't..." She mumbles, forcing herself not to start crying again. "Nothing you say to me is going to make me love you less. Cross my heart and hope to die." He looks her in the eye, crossing his fingers over his heart. "Calum..." She protests. "I love you, (Y/N). I will love you after you tell me whatever it is that makes you sad, that makes you... Well, less you." He assures her. (Y/N) takes a deep breath, nodding her head before taking a step back, looking at her feet as she prepares herself to share her secret with him.

"I fucked up. Badly. I won't graduate this summer. I won't receive my degree, because I am stupid enough to fuck up the assignment of the hardest course this semester. I will fail because of that. I will fail unless I get a 90% or above on the finals. Which is impossible, because the material is harder to read than Aramaic." She finally admits, sitting down at the end of the mattress. "Baby... Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He asks her, kneeling before her. "You are always boasting about me being smart, an overachiever, an honor student. 'My girlfriend is going to graduate top of her class.' All that. I didn't want to disappoint you by telling you about my failure." She explains to him, making him sigh in realization. "First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is just a bad grade. Second, if there is anyone who can score 90%, that person is you. I've seen you working, I've seen you studying. You are a fucking boss when it comes to that. And last, but not least, you will never disappoint me. Even if you try your hardest to, you will never disappoint me." He runs his thumb over his thigh in soothing circles, trying to meet her gaze by tilting his head. "I am going to fail." She utters, tearing up. He wipes away her tears, leaning closer to kiss her cheeks. "You might. But that means nothing. You will resit the assignment, or the exam, or both, and you will be superb at it. But before that, you are going to aim for that 100%, because that's what you always do. And I will help you read for the exam. I know I can't help much, but I will be your study buddy. We are going to fight. And I promise, when you get that passing grade, I won't even say I told you so." He says cheerfully, making her smile. "I adore you." She states, covering his hands with hers. "I know, baby. I adore you too. Now, let's get you to shower, put some food in your stomach, and then make a schedule for studying." He suggests, pulling her on her feet.

Calum proved he is a man of his word. So, when she got that 100% on her finals, he didn't tell her 'I told you so'. He only smirked knowingly, and hugged his wildflower, congratulating her on proving the voices in her head absolutely wrong.

This story is actually inspired by me nearly fucking everything up. I did get a 30something percent on the assignment of the hardest course on my final semester and really went through a phase of giving up, but I also did get the 100% mark on the final exam, so I ended up passing the course and getting my degree with honors. I hope you enjoy this story.

My Masterlist

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rister666 · 4 years ago

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TW: self-harming

I have postponed this post for a very long time. It all started back in March, I think, from the very beginning of self-isolation, but then I attributed all this to vitamin deficiency, fatigue, I thought that it would go away by itself, and I just didn’t want to burden anyone with my fucking feelings. Well, nothing passed. Things only got worse.

What actually happened? The fact is that lately, starting, probably, from April or May, it became much more difficult for me to contact people, I began to respond less and less to their messages, because with every fucking message, the wildest an anxiety attack and I simply couldn't (and still can't) overcome it and find the right words. And these attacks rolled over me more and more often, and became stronger and stronger. And everything was aggravated by self-flagellation, which did not go anywhere, but the impulses with which it manifested itself, likewise, became more frequent and harsher. Gradually, colors disappeared from my world. Tastes. Sounds. And then, in an instant, almost all emotions disappeared. Favorite music has ceased to inspire. The adored food became bland and dry. The world plunged into dark and faded colors. Everything that once pleased me, amused, worried, ceased to have any meaning for me. Videos on YouTube are no longer funny, jokes, God forbid, will break through for a brief grin. Everything that I draw, write, create - it seems to me disgusting purulent shit, in which fat maggots swarm. Only envy, anger, eternal procrastination and apathy remained. And pain. Endless pain, from which you cannot hide anywhere and you cannot hide. Any failure causes severe hysteria, from which I convulse and tear my body to shreds. Previously, tears helped me from this, but now they are gone. All that from which I could cry now goes inward, leaving rotting wounds. The fact that it has become extremely difficult for me to concentrate, I am even afraid to stutter. And because of this eternal pain, from which I cannot escape, and from which I cannot get rid of, I hurt my loved ones. I absolutely DO NOT WANT to do this, but I feel like becoming a different person. And I am terribly ashamed in front of them. My mood changes, like a snap of my fingers: here I am angry at everyone, but I already hate myself, but again I don’t feel anything, but I’m so excited that I sit down to write/draw NSFW, and then I realize that I fucking mediocrity. And now I am shaking again, I hate myself and envy everyone who is luckier than me, more talented, richer, more beautiful, younger. They have a great future, they will achieve everything. And I? What about me? And I will remain a no-name, no matter how hard I tear my ass, trying to achieve success. Who am I kidding? A biorobot will never become a human being. I have always been and will be an outcast in any society, especially in the creative community. Conflicts. I do not want to kindle them, but perhaps it is because of my eternal feeling of loneliness and pain that I break down on those who are dear to me. But is it fair? Not. Those people are not guilty of anything. And I just deserve to be an outcast. It would seem, what is the problem? Earn and heal. Oops, fuck you, free medicine in my country doesn't apply to psychiatrists (especially good ones). And to more or less lick the wounds, more than one session is needed. I am perfectly aware that I need treatment and I am trying to make some money, but money, like water, is irretrievably gone and returned drop by drop. Especially if you haven't been paid your internship money since January.And I continue to remain locked in these four walls. Locked on my own Continuing to lose the remnants of their humanity and degrade due to apathy, self-flagellation, procrastination.

#rouxls kaard #deltarune rouxls #deltarune #alternate universe #humanization #digital art #fanart #sketch

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bisexualsforprompto · 5 years ago

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Worth Chapter Two

(Mostly some introductions, integral exposition. The next chapter will be far more interesting).

~~~~~~~

Marinette walked onto the plane, the day was a much better day. She had a whole breakfast, and was so excited that she never even thought of disappointing anybody. That is until she got onto the bus, Lila started talking about how the city was crime ridden and she couldn’t believe Marinette would let them go. Marinette’s heart sank, she was right. Gotham was dangerous, if something happened she’d never forgive herself. She’d be a failure just like Chat always knew.

Luckily for her, Lila’s story had to be centered around the liar herself so she quickly changed the subject and regaled the bus with her “true stories” of how she and Batman had teamed up, he even wanted to make her a superhero, but of course Lila was too busy. She also told the bus about how her and Damian Somethingorother (marinette couldn’t remember the name because her BS detector was going off too loudly) were in an on again off again relationship. Marinette sat down in a back seat in the bus, she knew that Alya wouldn’t join her, she was too invested in Lila’s story, but to her delight Kay joined her.

Kay Khan was Marinette’s other best friend. Gigantic theatre nerd, couldn’t go a day without talking or singing but Marinette wouldn’t have it any other way. The rest of the class thought she was a little odd, but she was a genius. Like freaky smart, so they all tried to work with her when they could. Unfortunately for Kay, Marinette was really her only friend because she was...overly blunt. Kay didn’t have a filter and Lila took her down pretty quickly.

On Kay’s first day she came into the class and expressed her adoration of theatre when Miss. Bustier asked her what her hobbies were. Kay told the class that her favorite musical was Newsies because Jeremy Jordan was the original Jack Kelley. So of course Lila said that she personally knew him, on that day Marinette was not happy. Chat had been a handful the night before and she expected the new girl to fall for Lila’s lies, instead Kay asked, “Wasn’t he just amazing in Dairy Boys?” Lila nodded and exclaimed, “I saw him in that. A true work of art.” Kay smirked and sat down, but not before saying, “That’s funny because Jeremy Jordan was never in Dairy Boys, oh, and Dairy Boys doesn’t exist.”

Marinette knew Kay and her would be great friends, but that meant Lila had Kay targeted. Not only for humiliating her (which she quickly covered with another idiotic lie), but also because she vowed she’d take Marinette’s friends away. That included the weird new girl. It didn’t help that Adrien also seemed to hate Kay, mostly because she had called out Lila. If it had been a year ago Marinette would’ve never talked to Kay just because Adrien didn’t seem to like her, but after Chat Noir had demeaned her as Ladybug she felt like she didn’t deserve somebody like Adrien. Marinette gradually fell out of love with Adrien until there were no feelings left. She hadn’t felt romantic love in a really long time, she didn’t deserve it.

The class already wasn’t fond of Kay, especially since she missed classes a lot. Her mother was a director who was directing a movie Kay starred in in Paris. Her first television debut. The class was naturally insanely jealous, but it didn’t matter to Kay because she was barely in school to hear the awful things they said.

The only reason she was going on the trip was because she had family in Gotham and her mother decided to give her a little break. Kay accepted when she knew Marinette had planned the trip, she wanted to keep an eye on her best friend. She wasn’t the best with expressing emotions or giving advice but she could tell Mari was spiraling sometimes. Kay knew all about spiraling…

Kay sat down next to Marinette, starting to giggle. Mari smiled, Kay’s laugh was ridiculous and normally she laughed at funny musical memes nobody got but her, it brought Marinette lots of entertainment to hear Kay say every time she looked at a meme and Marinette asked about it, “YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF [INSERT SHOW TITLE HERE]?!?!” Marinette was about to ask what Kay was laughing at before somebody beat her to it, only this somebody wasn’t going about it the way Mari would’ve.

“Spaz, why are you laughing at Lila?!” Ivan asked pointing rudely at Kay. “Yeah! You have no right to laugh at her!” Mylené said coming to her boyfriend’s defense.

“I wasn’t laughing at her, I was laughing at something she said.” Kay stated plainly before slapping her headphones on. Marinette internally facepalmed, Kay was far too blunt. Lila started her crocodile tears but Miss Bustier stood up on the plane for a head count before it escalated too far. While she took role the class still shot daggers with their glares at Kay, but only Marinette seemed to notice, Kay was lost in the world of her headphones.

Alya was still entranced in Lila’s story but she wasn’t too harsh on Kay, her and Nino were pretty indifferent about her. Alya at first wasn’t too fond of her because despite Marinette being friends with her Lila claimed she was a bully, but Alya warmed up to her when she and Kay bonded over superheroes they liked. Kay had watched a lot of superhero movies because her mom had directed them but Alya still knew more. Kay and Alya had a mutual respect for each other, Nino was basically Alya’s extension so he felt the same, so they didn’t really talk and Alya didn’t gang up on her like the others.

Marinette knew Kay didn’t like to be disturbed when she had her headphones on. It was headphones on, world off. Marinette did text her though, so she could talk to her friend before they took off and eventually fell asleep.

Mari!!!☺️🤩🥳😺🤗: Wait so what were you laughing at that Lie-la said?

Kay Khan: lol the guy she was talking about was one of my friends when I lived in Gotham!

Mari!!!☺️🤩🥳😺🤗: cool! Do you’ll think you’ll see him? I’d like to meet any friends of yours!

Kay Khan: It’s possible, anything’s possible (Suessical). Ummm mayb. He’s kinda moody tho so he might be somewhat rude just warnin ya.

Mari!!!☺️🤩🥳😺🤗: Really? I can’t imagine you being friends with somebody like that. You’re literally sunshine.

Kay Khan: Awwww thankies! But Damian is super cool once he warms up to you, he’ll like you I bet. OMG I BET HE’LL LIKE YOU!!! ;)

Kay Khan: OMG YES I CAN SEE IT NOW! CAN I BE THE MAID OF HONOR AT UR WEDDING? AHHH IM TOTES SETTING U UP AS SOON AS WE GET IN GOTHAM!!!

Kay Khan: OMG WHATS UR SHIP NAME? OMG MARIDAMI

Kay Khan: NO DAMAINETTE!!!!

Mari!!!☺️🤩🥳😺🤗: as...exciting as it is you shipping me with another guy I haven’t even met, the airplane dude just said turn off devices headphone girl.

Kay Khan: Dang! (Dang diggity dang a dang) I only got like 5 minutes into Jesus of Suburbia. Oh welllll

Kay took off her headphones and turned off her cell phone. She smiled at Marinette before the plane took off. Marinette took out her sketchbook as Kay quickly fell asleep. Marinette envied her, she could literally fall asleep anywhere anytime. Marinette looked out her window as she sketched for inspiration, and before she knew it she found inspiration within a sparkling city they were landing in.

“Psst, Kay. We’re here.” Marinette said in a hushed whisper as she poked at Kay. Kay sat up straight and rubbed her eyes.

“Dope! Let’s get this par-tay started!” She cheered quietly. Marinette giggled, “It’s 3am in Eastern time, I’m pretty sure even the Gotham people aren’t partying.”

“You never know.” Kay shrugged. Marinette giggled a little softer, trying not to wake the sleeping passengers on the plane until they landed in the airport completely. The French class started buzzing quietly from excitement but everyone was mostly too tired to be too excited so it was a relief to everyone when they were passed out in their rooms in the Wayne Hotel.

Kay and Marinette were elated for the days to come. Kay was going to make sure Marinette enjoyed her trip, no matter what.

Tag list (lemme know if you wanna be added/ I forgot you/ spelled your name wrong):

@northernbluetongue

@poshplumcot

@queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm

@luciferge

@legendaryneckjudgestudent

@interobanginyourmom

@beaversuenightly

@worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry

@mochinek0

@shamefullove

@emjrabbitwolf

@actual-disaster-human

@tog84

@thequestionablyhuman

@thyladyanput

@vixen-uchiha

@novicevoice

@2sunchild2

@zebrabaker

@chrismarium

@mycupisbroken

@winter-gardenflower

@dast218

@bluerosette23

@chocolatecatstheron

@anjuschiffer

@fertileleaf

@drarryismylife101

@zerotosiki

@littleredrobinhoodum

@fatimaabbasrizvi

@ladylb

@weird-pale-blonde-person

@st0rmy-w1th1n

@7-sage-7

@eve-is-the-dawn

@mooshoon

@caffinetheory

@fiendsangelical

@bee-wrecker

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jaskierswolf · 4 years ago

Text

You Set My Heart Ablaze pt.4/25

Jaskier woke up on Thursday to the sound of his alarm blaring in the back of the rather lovely dream he’d been having. At least it had started off as a lovely dream. He’d been rescued from his flat by a rather dashing, and topless, Geralt Rivia. Not all his dreams involved a burning flat and topless firemen but it was starting to become one of his regular ones. Geralt had just been about to kiss him senseless when the fire engine’s sirens had started going off and Geralt had dropped him in surprise. He’d fallen a good few feet before he’d hit the ground and sat up with a start in his bed.

He cursed and flopped back onto his pillow. It was still dark outside and he’d stayed up far too late last night writing a new song. In his defence, he’d been hit with inspiration at the most stupid hour but what was else was he supposed to do? If he’d tried to go to sleep without figuring out the chords he would have been awake all fucking night.

His alarm was still beeping incessantly at him. “Oh fuck off!” He groaned and knocked the clock off his bedside table and buried his face in his pillow.

He was just about to fall back asleep when his phone started to ring.

“Cock.” He moaned as the screen suddenly lit up the room. “Fucking. Bollocks.”

He peered at the screen and winced at the light burned his eyes. He squinted as he tried to make the letters out. He struggled to see without his glasses or contact lenses and wasn’t sure where his glasses were. They’d been on his face when he’d fallen asleep. “What the?”

It was Tissaia de Vries.

Jaskier was not aware they were on friendly enough terms for early morning phone calls. He pawed at his phone to put it on speaker phone. “Tissaia…”

“Jaskier.”

“The fuck?”

He heard an exasperated sigh from the other end of the line. “You text me last night, Jaskier. I do not want to know why you were awake at two in the morning but you left very strict instructions to call you. It’s the firefighter’s event today. Stregobor is expecting us in the school hall in an hour. Get up.” The phone clicked off.

Jaskier frowned. He searched in the mess of sheets for his glasses before finding them on the floor. Luckily he hadn’t squished them in his sleep and they weren’t too crooked on his nose. He scrambled to unlock his phone, sure enough there was a text to the slightly terrifying art teacher begging her to wake him up in the morning.

“Huh. Go past me.” He groaned and hauled himself out of bed.

He reluctantly went to shower. He probably didn’t have time but for no particular reason he really didn’t want to skimp on the personal hygiene today. He washed his hair in record time and then cursed as he stood in front of his wardrobe. Normally if he wanted to impress someone he’d go for tight skinny jeans and one of his favourite floral shirts but he couldn’t wear his jeans to work and they’d be outside all day so he’d probably freeze in the shirt. He stroke the fabric of his favourite shirt, the one with dandelions on, and then shut the cupboard. He moved to where he kept his jumpers. He had a rather nice turquoise one that really made his eyes pop. If he matched that with a nice pair of black trousers he would lot hot and work appropriate!

He ran a towel through his hair to get the excess water out. He thought about styling it properly but again being outside for most of the day would mess it up anyway so he might as well go for the naturally fluffy look. Maybe Geralt would think he looked adorable and extra cuddly like this. He swapped his thick rimmed glasses for his contact lenses and he was almost ready to go.

He glanced at his phone to check the time.

“Oh shit!” He cursed and pulled on his jumper in a rush. He’d have to skip breakfast today if he wanted to make it to school in time.

He rushed around the kitchen to swig some water before leaving for school, and not a moment too soon. He skidded into the school hall with one minute to spare. The rest of the teachers were already assembled. Tissaia rolled her eyes at him as he entered and he hid behind Triss from the headmaster’s glare.

“Close call.” Triss hissed.

“Yeah yeah. Laugh it up.” Jaskier snapped back.

Stregobor began to run through the schedule of the day, letting them know which classes would be heading out to meet the firefighters at what time, the changes to the lunch rota, safety measures for if a fire alarm was to go off with so many people on site. Jaskier snorted a laugh at that, earning himself another steely glare from the headmaster, but it was worth it. There would be literal firefighters on site and Stregobor was mansplaining fire safety. He heard Triss giggling in front of him, even Istredd smirked as Jaskier caught his eye across the room.

“Oh for god’s sake, Julian. Can’t you stay professional for just five minutes?” Valdo sighed loudly so that everyone could hear. Jaskier glared at his former university friend and he felt his nails dig into his palms, an impressive feat considering how short he kept them as a musician.

“Well excuse me for actually having a sense of humour instead of being a soulless demon from beyond the void.” Jaskier hissed back. It wasn’t his best comeback but he hadn’t had coffee this morning and he was in serious need of a nap.

“Mr Pankratz. That is the sort of behaviour I would expect from your children, not one of my staff.” Stregobor snarled from the front of the room.

“Sorry, sir.” Jaskier grumbled. “Won’t happen again.”

In his head Jaskier was already composing a brilliant scathing song that would highlight all of Valdo’s numerous flaws in vivid detail. It was a pity there weren’t any good rhymes for his name. He could make do with comparing the other teacher to mouldy farts. It wasn’t grammy winning but it made a point. Perhaps his bandmate, Priscilla, could help him find some better rhymes. It had been a while since they’d gotten together in the recording studio and taking down Valdo Marx was something they would both delight in. It had made such great fodder for their second album. He was sure he still had some bitter songs left in him about the traitorous failure of a teacher.

The doors crashed open near the end of Stregobor’s monotonous dribble, and Jaskier almost swooned.

In the doorway were four firefighters, all built like a house and looking absolutely delicious in their uniforms. It was better than Jaskier could have imagined, and dear god had he imagined. It was a pity that they had opted to wear shirts but beggars can’t be choosers. Despite their similar build, the four firefighters were all vastly different in looks. The eldest had silver hair, not too dissimilar to Geralt but a few inches shorter and he was stockier than his younger colleagues. Even from a distance, Jaskier could see the webbing of burns over his hands. The thing that really stood out were his eyes. They were a dark chocolate brown but they had such depths. If Jaskier didn’t know better he would have said the man was an immortal. His eyes were ancient and wise. He would bet that the firefighter had some incredible stories to tell.

The next firefighter had a brilliant shock of red hair on his head that tumbled over his ears in luscious curls. Jaskier had some serious hair envy. He wondered whether it still looked so naturally tousled even after wearing his helmet. He was also sporting a matching bushy ginger beard. The man almost looked like a phoenix which was ironic considering his job.

The last new addition had a very similar bone structure to Mr Phoenix, both had startling green eyes to match. Jaskier supposed they must be related in some way. Instead of ginger, he had a dusty sandy blond hair. It was messy but shorter than the rest of the crew, falling just below his ears. What drew Jaskier’s attention was the jagged scar across his face. It was messy and Jaskier couldn’t but imagine what could have caused such a nasty scar. His heart went out to the fireman. Jaskier didn’t know the man but he knew that the man did not deserve whatever pain was in his past.

And then there was Geralt.

And to the gods was he beautiful.

Of course, all the firefighter’s were beautiful in their own way. Jaskier could find beauty in everyone as long as their heart was kind, but Geralt just was wow. Jaskier had never had a type before but his type was Geralt now.

Oh Freya was he smitten or what?

He should probably try and rein in his crush slightly. It was really getting out of control. He tore his eyes away from the man and back to the tyrannical monster that was the headmaster.

“Gentleman. Welcome.” Stregobor smiled sweetly at the new arrivals. “Vesemir?”

The eldest firefighter nodded. “That would be me. We spoke on the phone.”

Stregobor’s smiled didn’t reach his eyes, and Jaskier thought he looked downright creepy. He turned his attention back to his latest infatuation.

But Geralt was already looking him with those gorgeous amber eyes. A strand of silver hair had escaped the half up do that he always wore and was falling in front of his face. Jaskier so wanted to tuck the loose strand behind Geralt’s ear, maybe braid his hair so it stayed back properly. He’d look so handsome with a braid and Jaskier could only imagine how soft his hair would feel between his fingers.

Jaskier mentally berating himself for staring and gave Geralt, no, Ciri’s father, a wave. Geralt nodded almost imperceptibly and Jaskier only noticed the tiny smile because his gaze was drawn to Geralt’s lips as if he were a siren singing the sweetest melody.

“As you may know, Mr Rivia’s daughter Ciri” Stregobor was saying. Jaskier snapped himself out of his Geralt fuelled daze to focus back on the headmaster when he heard Ciri’s name. “is in the Buttercups with Mr Pankratz. Julian, you will need to look after Ciri today as the other children will be able to spend time with their parents or guardians.”

Geralt cleared his throat. “Actually, I’ve made arrangements for my friend to look after Ciri today. There’s no need to bother Jaskier with extra duties.”

Jaskier felt a little weak at the way Geralt said his name. It wasn’t anything particularly special but Geralt’s naturally gravelling voice just made him feel things that really weren’t appropriate for the workplace, but he still managed to force his own voice to function like a normal human being who wasn’t dying of thirst. “It’s no bother, Geralt. I assure you.” It came out a little flirtier than he intended but honestly who could blame him.

“Hmm. Thank you, Jaskier.” Geralt’s eyes soften and Jaskier felt like his heart was going to burst out of its chest.

He blushed furiously. “No problem, Geralt.”

“Get a room.” Triss whispered back at him.

“Oh shush!” Jaskier snapped back.

It was going to be a long day for his poor bisexual heart.

_________

Jaskier had rounded up all his kids in the classroom. The parents were having an introductory tea and coffee session with Vesemir and Stregobor. Vesemir was doing a presentation on the rising statistics that his team had been facing over the month or so, and the younger children had been asked to stay with their teachers in case they found some of the images and stories too distressing.

Jaskier’s class had spent the beginning of the morning drawing their best attempts at firefighters. Most of the children had drawn the four men in uniform with their hats and long hoses. Jaskier had plastered a wide smile on his face as he’d praised the drawings, even if a few of them looked as if they’d never seen a firefighter in their life. Ciri had drawn her father, but not in uniform. Ciri’s Geralt was wearing all black and was stood next to some kind of large dog. Geralt holding Ciri’s hand in the picture and Ciri beamed as she showed off her artwork.

“Wonderful Ciri!” Jaskier clapped his hands. “Who’s this?” He pointed to the dog creature.

“Roach!” She giggled.

“Roach? That’s… a good name?” He lied.

“All of Dad’s horses have been called Roach!” Ciri explained. “We always go to the stables at the weekend. Dad even lets me ride her as long as he’s holding onto the reins.”

Jaskier blinked trying to process this new information. The image of Geralt riding a horse was now seared into his brain. Shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbow and hair flying in the wind as he gripped the animal between his thighs.

Fuck…

Jaskier really needed to get laid.

This infatuation with Ciri’s father was getting out of hand.

“Wow Ciri! That’s really cool. You should bring some photographs in for next show and tell. I’m sure the others would love to see Roach.” He replied to the young girl.

The bell rang and Jaskier took a deep breath. It was their time to head outside to the truck. A perfect time to start working on getting over his crush on Geralt Rivia. He was Ciri’s teacher. It wouldn’t be appropriate to start flirting with her father in front of the whole class.

Jaskier clapped his hands with a stamp of his foot to get the class’s attention. “Listen up, Buttercups!” He called, signing the words as he spoke. The class quickly quietened down but he could still feel the excitement buzzing around the room. “We’re going to head outside now! Nobody is to run off with their parents without telling me first. I know you’ll be excited to see them but I just need to know where you are so I know you’re safe, ok?”

“Yes, Mr Jaskier” The class echoed back.

“Excellent. Now the fire engine is all very exciting. Trust me, I can’t wait to have a look! But do we remember the rules?” He looked around expectantly.

A few of the kids nodded.

“Dara?” He asked.

“Don’t touch unless the fireman says we can.” Dara replied dutifully. Jaskier hummed as he focussed, carefully watching the young kids hands. He’d done a course in sign language over summer when he’d been told about Dara being in his class but he wasn’t fluent yet and he still missed words. Dara’s interpreter was a great help but he was still determined to be able to communicate with the young boy on his own by the end of the term. Luckily the internet was full of really useful tutorials to assist him in his quest.

“Yes, good! Anyone else?” Jaskier beamed. “Marilka?”

“We can’t keep asking them to put the sirens on.” She sulked.

“Now that’s an important one! We have to protect those eardrums! Otherwise I might as well forget about my guitar.” Jaskier laughed when all the children protested at that. “Last one!”

The kids frowned as they thought about it. Jaskier took pity on them.

“No running off without telling me.” He reminded them. “Are we ready?” He asked brightly and pretended to cover his ears as the class all screamed back a yes. “Come on then!” He grinned. “What are we waiting for?”

________

Jaskier was enjoying a blissfully childfree hour. All his children had been passed back over to their parents or guardians and were crowding round different parts of the schoolyard. Vesemir was running drills, adjusted for the children, to give them an idea of what training the firefighters went through on a daily basis. Two other firefighters, Lambert and Eskel, were helping the children hold on to the hose as they took turned at pretending to put out a blaze. The children were squealing excitedly as the adults took photographs. Geralt was in charge of the fire engine. He was calm with the kids and seemed to have endless patience for their requests to put the lights and sirens on. Jaskier leaned on the wall as he watched Geralt point to the buttons on the fire engine’s dashboard. Marilka was fidgeting happily next to him, an oversized helmet almost covering her eyes.

Jaskier smiled fondly at the pair of them. He hadn’t interacted much with Geralt, outside of his dreams of course, but he seemed to be a man of very little words, preferring actions to long speeches. He always thanked Jaskier for his weekly update email or letter if he was feeling extravagant, and after the unfortunate babysitter incident Geralt had insisted on buying him a coffee as a thank you. Jaskier had tried to protest but reluctantly sent his favourite coffee order along with his weekly report. The next time Jaskier had been on playground duty, Geralt had walked up to him in the playground and pressed a large caramel latte into his hands. It even had a sprinkle of cinnamon on the top. Jaskier would have blamed his flushed face on the cold weather if Geralt had asked but thankfully the other man didn’t seem to notice.

The only thing Jaskier knew for certain about Geralt, was that he completely adored his daughter. Jaskier mused that it was probably appropriate that Ciri was the only thing they ever really discussed but he wanted to know more. What was Geralt’s coffee order? Did he always wear black when he wasn’t wearing his uniform? Were his eyes really that colour or was he secretly wearing contacts? What was his favourite type of food? Did he have any favourite bands? Would he like to hear Jaskier’s music? Jaskier so desperately hoped Geralt would like that.

He sighed dramatically.

He was being ridiculous. He was pining after a man he didn’t even know. It was so shallow of him to yearn over the man based purely on his looks. Well, not purely. Jaskier was certain the man had a heart of gold. He was raising Ciri after all and the girl was an absolute delight! Jaskier didn’t choose favourites but if he did Ciri would certainly be his favourite student. She just had a way of making everyone she met fall under a charm. She wouldn’t love Geralt if the man was a complete dick.

Maybe Jaskier was putting him on a pedestal? But he didn’t seriously have a chance with the man so was there any harm in that? He just needed to keeping his thirsting under control when Geralt was close by. It couldn’t be that hard? Could it?

Geralt’s amber eyes looked up and caught Jaskier staring. Jaskier chuckled breathlessly and gave him a little wave. Geralt tilted his head with a small smile as if to beckon him. Jaskier narrowed his eyes suspiciously but went over to see what the problem was.

“Geralt?” He asked as he reached the bright red truck. Marilka was still pretending to drive the engine to some emergency or whatever, gripping the steering wheel tight and making her own siren noises.

“Jaskier. I umm. It’s not from the coffee shop and I didn’t have any caramel or cinnamon but… here.” Geralt pulled out a thermos from the door of the fire engine. “Figured it might be a long day for the teachers.”

Jaskier stared dumbly at the flask in Geralt’s hand. “You didn’t need to do that.” He stammered.

“I know.” Geralt shrugged. “It was Ciri’s idea.”

Jaskier smiled brightly. “She’s a good kid, Geralt. You should be proud.”

“Mr Rivia!” Marilka shouted to get the fireman’s attention. “Can girls be firemen too? I wanna be a fireman!”

“Yes.” Geralt pulled out a photograph from the glovebox and pointed to a girl who was laughing and had her arm around Geralt’s shoulder. “This is Renfri. She’s part of our team. She had to stay behind today. She’s probably the best of all of us.”

Jaskier felt his heart ache as Geralt’s eyes softened when he spoke about Renfri. He was such an idiot. The coffee was Ciri’s idea, it had probably been Ciri’s idea the first time too. Geralt probably didn’t even like men, and on top of that his ex was Yennefer Vengerberg. Jaskier was nothing compared to her. Just a silly musical primary school teacher. Renfri looked fucking beautiful too.

But there wasn’t time for his personal crisis. He was a teacher and he had a job. “Even if Renfri wasn’t part of the team, that shouldn’t stop you wanting to follow your dream, little Buttercup.”

Geralt hummed in agreement and then propped the photograph up on the dashboard. Marilka’s father appeared moments later and dragged his daughter from the truck to allow the other kids to have a chance. Geralt nodded a goodbye at the child and then patted the vacated seat.

Jaskier grinned and slid into the seat. “I’m not a child, Geralt.”

“Fire safety is for adults too.” Geralt said seriously but when Jaskier looked at his face he could see the way Geralt’s eyes were twinkling with amusement.

“Oh screw you.” He muttered under his breath.

“You got lunch?” Geralt asked as he pulled out a lunch box. Jaskier almost squealed when he noticed it was a My Little Pony lunchbox. Sure it wasn’t the Applejack that Jaskier knew and loved, he’d never forgive them for changing the design, but Geralt Rivia had an Applejack lunchbox! Jaskier’s day was made!

Jaskier shook his head. “I’ll eat with the kids when we go back inside.”

“I am proud.” Geralt said quietly as he unwrapped his sandwich. Jaskier’s stomach rumbled and he suddenly remembered he’d skipped breakfast. Geralt raised his eyebrows at Jaskier before tossing him the apple from his lunchbox. Jaskier failed to catch it and it landed in his lap.

He smiled brightly at the fireman. “Thanks.”

“She’s so strong.” Geralt continued without missing a beat. “She’s been through more than any child should, more than any person.”

“She’s coping alright.”

“Yeah, but that’s got nothing to do with me.” Geralt sighed. “I’m just gonna fuck it up. You’re good with the kids. Ciri adores you. I wish.” Geralt paused and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I wish I knew how you did it.”

Jaskier gaped at the fireman. “Geralt.” He breathed shakily. “You’re amazing with children.”

“No.”

“Yes!” Jaskier protested.

“Hmm. How would you even know?” Geralt spat out bitterly but made no move to evict Jaskier from the truck.

“Call it instinct. That and I was watching you talk to my kids.” Jaskier admitted. “They loved you.”

“It’s just the uniform. Makes people trust you.” Geralt shook his head.

“Geralt Rivia!” Jaskier gasped in outrage. “Enough of your self-loathing. What would you say to Ciri if she started talking that way?”

“Hmm.” Geralt growled.

“Precisely. So, have a little confidence. You didn’t choose to be her father but you’re doing a bloody brilliant job from what I can see.” Jaskier insisted. “We’re trained to spot potential home problems you know, and given the circumstances I think you’re doing just fine.”

They fell into silence whilst Geralt ate his sandwich. Jaskier was afraid to say anymore in case he accidentally revealed just how much he’d been watching Geralt whenever the man visited the school, or how much he treasured every email and look that he received from the man. He knew he had a habit of talking to much, to be honest it was why he was good at teaching. Instead he began to hum under his breath, the song he’d been composing the night before. Geralt didn’t seem to mind so he sang a little louder, experimenting with lyrics. He’d thought of a few but nothing seemed to fit.

“It wasn’t Ciri’s idea.” Geralt eventually said as tucked his lunchbox back into his bag under his seat.

“What?” Jaskier frown at the non-sequitur.

“The coffee.” Geralt nodded and the pushed open his door and jumped out, leaving Jaskier very confused and alone in the truck.

He glanced down at the flask in his hand and opened the lid. He inhaled the smell of coffee with a moan. It was strong coffee, Geralt really knew the way to his heart. He took a tentative sip, expecting it to be bitter without the caramel syrup he so adored but to his surprise it was sweet and creamy just like his usual order. It wasn’t caramel but Geralt must have dumped a shit ton of sugar in the thermos to compensate. Jaskier hummed happily as he took another sip. Oh it was definitely strong yet milky and sweet. The only way to drink coffee in Jaskier’s humble opinion.

He laughed to himself, alone in the fire engine. How was he ever going to get over his infatuation with Ciri’s father if he kept being so thoughtful?

Jaskier was well and truly fucked. ______

#the witcher #geraskier #geraskier fanfiction #geralt of rivia #jaskier pankratz #teacher!jaskier #fireman!geralt #geralt x jaskier #modern au #you set my heart ablaze #wolfie's witcher writing

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 5 years ago

Note

I have a lot of trauma and anxiety associated with my faith (because existing as a bisexual woman in a conservative community) so I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I now identify as agnostic. Is it wrong for me to “take a break” from Christianity? I just don’t really,, vibe with it anymore. I believe there’s a god but I’m not sure how reliable the Bible is because of mistranslations and such. I want to explore witchcraft and other means of spirituality,, is that bad?

Hey there. I really feel for you, and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that kind of hurt. I pray that wherever your path leads you, you will find healing and community and an abundance of life. From what I believe of God, She has a similar desire for you – and that Divinity, whatever it truly turns out to be like, will be with you every step of the way.

To me, if you leave Christianity, that’s not “bad” on your part – it’s on the ones who drove you away. I appreciate Sister Macrina Wiederkehr’s thoughts on the topic of people leaving the Church because of trauma; she has committed her life to Catholicism, and yet she understands that this is not the right thing for everyone: “I am aware of the many ways the Church has failed me, and I have failed her. Yet in the midst of the these mutual failures, I claim this Church as mine. …I feel more fed than failed. Not everyone can say this, however, and so we are called to great sensitivity in this area.” (See this post for a fuller quote from her.)

It sounds like you have been more failed than fed during your time in Christianity – if there is a place out there where you can receive more nourishment, I think it’s good for you to seek that out!

I recommend this post in which someone else asked me about exploring other means of spirituality (cw for mentions of fear of hell and ocd; let me know if you can’t check out the post because of those mentions and I’ll repost the pertinent parts here instead).

________

Besides that post, I’ll offer some quotes from a book I’ve been reading by Barbara Brown Taylor called Holy Envy: Finding God in the Faith of Others. Taylor explores the richness of all religions and how the Divine is active among all persons, not only Christians. Now, she talks from the point of view of a committed Christian, and almost exclusively in terms of “God,” both of which are not quite right for your current state – but still I think these passages might be helpful for you as you explore whether it’s “wrong” for you to “take a break” from Christianity and explore witchcraft and the like.

In one chapter, she cites God and the Universe of Faiths by John Hick, who argues that just as humans once believed the universe revolved around the earth only to discover that the earth revolves around the sun, so it is with theology:

“Hick argues that it is past time for a Copernican revolution in theology, in which God assumes the prime place at the center and Christianity joins the orbit of the great religions circling round. Like the scientific revolution, this one requires the surrender of primary place and privileged view. …This new map does not require anyone to give up the claim to uniqueness. It only requires the acceptance of unique neighbors, who concur that the brightness they see at the center of everything exceeds their ability to possess it” (p. 78).

By seeking your spiritual nourishment elsewhere, you will be shifting your viewpoint for whoever or whatever divinity is, and discovering new ways to connect to it. When we visit or completely migrate to other “planets” in this way, we open ourselves to receiving fresh wisdom, new glimpses of the impossible-to-grasp.

Taylor also talks about the biblical figures who evince (for those for whom the Bible is sacred) that God’s activity is not restricted only to people of one religion. Throughout the Bible, those whom its authors might have assumed were “outside” of God’s sphere are recipients or agents of divine blessing – from Melchizadek, a Canaanite king and priest who feeds Abram/Abraham; to Cyrus, the Persian king who ended Babylonian exile; to the Zoroastrian magi who visited the newborn Jesus; and the assortment of “pagans” with whom Jesus interacted such as the Roman centurion whose pais he healed to the Syrophoenician/Canaanite woman who taught Jesus a thing or two about inclusivity herself. As Taylor writes,

“No one owns God. The great religions may possess genuine revelations of God’s nature and purpose. Their most gifted listeners may truly have discerned a divine call to special purpose, both for themselves and their communities. Traditions that do not speak of God have certainly perceived truths about the human condition and have conceived inspired ways to transcend it. But whatever we mean when we say ‘God’ is not fully captured by any of these traditions. If it could be, it would not be God” (p. 118).

Finally, here’s Taylor’s conclusion after years of studying other religious traditions and worrying about what doing so might mean for her as a Christian:

“ ‘I have other sheep that do not belong to this fold.’ That is something else Jesus says in John’s Gospel. He does not elaborate, but I like imagining the God of many sheep, many folds, many favorites, many mansions. This is how far my holy envy has brought me: from fearing that Jesus will be mad at me for smelling other people’s roses to trusting that Jesus is the Way that embraces all ways. Because there is only one of me, I can only walk one way at a time, but that does not prevent me from believing that other people might be walking their ways with equal devotion and good will” (120).

_____

One last thing I’ll leave you with: if you’re interested in hearing the stories and perspectives of Christian witches, check out episodes 7 and 18 of my podcast, Blessed Are the Binary Breakers, here. Episode 7 is titled “ ‘God’s not gonna leave you’ - Christian Witchcraft with Phoenyx,” and ep 18 is titled “Taylor’s faith evolution into a seminary-bound Christian witch.”

#leaving christianity #church hurt #other faiths tag #Anonymous #essays #holy envy

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thefudge · 5 years ago

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hi dr.fudge, i'm probably gonna send this on anon coz while I'm not ashamed of feeling the things I'm feeling (when I can recognise whatever it is I'm feeling. Which is not easy for me to do) - I think discretion would be best. So...question is...how do u deal with jealousy? I want everyone to succeed&imhappy when others r happy, so when jealousy DOES crop up (in terms of career/success/ not love life blegh) it unbalances me. do u ever feel jealous? how do u process/get over it/deal? plz advise

ohhh, i feel jealous all the friggin time ALL THE TIME

and i don’t know if it’s always bad. i know we’re told it’s the most toxic feeling in the world, but at the end of the day it’s inevitable. you gotta live with it somehow. ignoring it won’t help. sometimes feelings of admiration and awe aren’t pure (more like never), sometimes even when i support someone and want them to succeed i feel like i should be succeeding a lil more etc. and this is because we live in a world where resources, both material and emotional, are limited and we are told from infancy that we have to get a slice of that before someone else does. success culture is endemic. i mean i’m in academia, jealousy is a goddamn currency here. few ppl talk about it, but we all know the truth. there’s always one colleague who has published more, has more academic clout, is doing more fun stuff with the students, is better liked, knows more than you, makes u feel like a failure etc. and just saying that you support them and want to learn from them is lovely, but the whole “let’s inspire each other instead of resent each other” doesn’t 100% work. a lot of run-of-the-mill feminism is rooted in this kind of sisterhood. but sometimes you just gotta SAY IT, you gotta let it out, at least admit it to yourself “person X makes me feel bad about myself”. yeah sure, you have the power to change how they make you feel, but it’s okay to feel bad, to feel unbalanced, to sit with it and think about it. sometimes you will feel inspired and motivated to do better in your own life and you’ll think about all you’ve achieved etc, but sometimes you’ll just mope and ignore the good things and i think we have the right to do that. i don’t like that kind of self-help attitude where you just have to “focus on you” or “compete only with yourself” or whatever. that’s not reality. you are focusing on you even when you are thinking about others. sure, we shouldn’t be consumed by these feelings, but acknowledging them and living with them is normal.

i think shows like crazy ex-gf or russian doll put it best, in that you’re probably never going to stop feeling negative things but you can learn how to deal with them as they come and approach them as parts of you that don’t need to be removed on pain of death

so i guess that’s how i approach it. for a long time i felt bad about jealousy, just as you do. and my behavior worsened the more i tried to suppress it and put a positive spin on it. that’s when i started applying the notion that jealousy doesn’t always come from a toxic place, but you can make it really toxic by trying to deny its inevitable hold on you. no, i don’t think there are ppl out there who’ve never felt jealousy/envy, and if they tell you that, they’re full of shit lol. honestly, the really great relationships/friendships are all about that messy grey area where you can talk about feelings of jealousy, where it doesn’t take away from the admiration and support and love etc. i’m not always there with my own friendships/relationships but i’m trying lol

and even when you can’t communicate it, just let yourself feel it, examine it, make it a little friendlier. “yeah, i’m jealous, it kinda sucks. i want a thing i can’t have, or i’d like to be like person X, and i don’t have that, and i’m not”. or “i can’t be fully happy for someone, it kinda sucks, but i’m thinking about it. i’m thinking of their happiness and my happiness and why this matters.” just let yourself feel it without shame, because the more you domesticate it, the less important it’ll seem, the less it will weigh on you. hope that helps!

(and thx for the question! i love talking about this, incidentally)

#replies #jealousy #envy #my thoughts

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cozycosplaycorner · 5 years ago

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I have confidence!

This Saturday, my little saplings, I will talk about confidence in cosplay as a hobby and as a community. Confidence is... a tricky one. It’s something people always seem to have either very little of or, annoyingly, much of. And often it varies from day to day, cosplay to cosplay. I think I speak for many cosplayers when I say that lack of confidence have stopped a cosplay dream or two.

Problems with confidence can stem from different places. And depending on where you feel inadequate, there are different ways to go about it. I often feel lack confidence in my crafting skills. My seems are not as neat as they could be, my choice of fabric not always optimal. Yeah sure it looks alright, but it could be better. And better is, unfortunately, the best way to cure this confidence problem. By practicing you get better and this will get you confidence. There’s no easy way around this one. I’m not very confident in building an airplane – I’ve never done it! I am, however, pretty confident in my abilities to read a book or bake a cake – Those I’ve done a million times.

So some lack of confidence can be fixed simply by practicing and getting better. Where it really get’s tricky, is when other people get involved, which is often the case. When you feel confident in yourself and your skills until you see someone who did it better. And yes, I use the word better again. Because I think many of us are tired of hearing “oh, your cosplay is great too! It’s just... different!”. Yeah, and sometimes, it’s just not as good, let’s be honest and not sugar coat it. This feeling we’re dealing with here, is envy. Exactly, that androgynous guy with the green hair from Fullmetal Alchemist.

Envy is a nasty little thing to carry around and something we all know all too well. Including my fellow blogger Anso, who wrote this piece on the feeling:

Envy is the absolute worst feeling in the world. It’s so easy to think that you are all alone battling with these thoughts – but you’re not. I remember once, someone told me that they’d never be as good at cosplaying as me. I was shocked. First off, because that’s just plain incorrect, but secondly because I myself am INCREDIBLY envious (there, I said it), so the prospect of someone being envious of me was unimaginable. I realized that I was not alone with these feelings, everyone deals with it (except those few people who are living rays of sunshine and you guys deserve nothing but happiness). A little bit of envy is great motivation and can really help you improve, but too much works in the complete opposite way and could potentially make someone give up on cosplay.

Yes, we’re all envious here, all three of us. Sometimes also at each other. I have to do my make up next to Joshi almost every time, and if you’ve seen her Instagram, you know why I would feel envious. It does you no good to direct that envy into a dislike of someone, because envy doesn’t actually come from those talented little buggers, it comes from yourself and your no-confidence. Comparison is a root to many evils (said the woman who studies COMPARATIVE Literature), because our comparisons are almost always impossible. How can you compare your 10-hour piece to your friend’s 50-hour piece? How can you compare three years of experience with 15 years? Time, money, investment, accessibility, surplus of energy and YES even god given talent is a factor when it comes to cosplay. You cannot and should not compare yourself to someone else.

Of course, this is bullshit advice because it’s impossible. Our entire society is built up on comparison. And I won’t preach what I can’t practice, and I compare myself to others all the time. But it’s so much better to do that comparison when you have confidence in yourself. “I did good with what I had” is the best response to envy. To be proud of your own creations dwindles the fires of hell of jealousy. Don’t look ahead to where more experienced cosplayers are, look back on what you have accomplished. Look back on your many many MANY failures and see where you are now. If you need an example, scroll through my Instagram to my first cosplay of Lance McClain where I looked more like a twink Eren Jaeger and SEE how far I’ve come.

Or look to your friends. It’s easy to have a love/hate relationship with Cosplay Celebrity over Tik Tok and Instagram, but when a friend does an incredible cosplay, envy has a way of turning into pride. You would never put down a friend over your own insecurity, would you? Their confidence can also rub off on you, if you’re lucky. I have overweight friends who kill in skin-tight way more than I ever could. I have trans male friend who have my deepest respect for owning their dysphoria and cosplaying female characters. My friends are BOSS. And while envy over their amazing work does creep into my heart at times, it’s pride that really takes the front stage. They inspire me to do better and work harder.

I have confidence in what I do. Most of it. Sometimes. It’s okay not to feel that confidence 24/7, no person ever does. I have let doubt stop me, and doubt will probably stop me again. Confidence is tricky. In such cases, we turn to Julie Andrews for help. In The Sound of Music there is a song called “Confidence” (which of course you know, who hasn’t seen the 1965 musical over and over growing up, no, just me?, okay). In this song, Andrews mentions all the thing she has confidence in including “I have confidence in confidence alone.” Sometimes, you’ve got to fake it till you make it. Holding your head up high, marching through con like you own the place and just straight up vibing with your look is often enough. Don’t tell yourself you should have done better, do better next time. Don’t tell yourself you’re not as good as someone else, aspire to get to their level. If you need it, turn off social media when you’re working on a cosplay. Or focus on a goal such as learning a new skill or making at least three cosplays a year, instead of just “getting better”. Cosplay should be fun, if it makes your miserable, you’re doing it wrong. And that’s actually the only way to do cosplay wrong.

Every hobby is a journey. We all feel shitty every once in a while, and believes the whole world to be better than us in what we do. But those sweet moments of confidence... The wig is fly, your costume fits like it should, and why oh why can’t you wear this every day to school? I live for those moments. Even if I sometimes only have confidence in confidence alone.

#Josie's corner #cosplay #confidence

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