#insane to spend one hundred dollars on something and cry about it after. whatever.

[mildmayfoxe]

i’m trying not to be upset about my hair bc ultimately it’s not really far off from what i wanted but for some reason the whole thing was feathered so all the layers kind of softly curl inward and blend together instead of having flippy chunks that move outward and are clearly separate like i wanted. i got myself in my head because the owner kept saying “like a butterfly cut!” in the background while i was trying to explain for like the third time what i wanted and i googled it last night and the fact that anyone could look at me and think that’s what i want freaked me out. i don’t want that. i don’t want to look like that. so now i feel like i have to go find my good scissors and hack at this until it looks crazy like i wanted

[karofsky]

I'm a big internalizer, because it's what works for me. Usually, things like this are reserved for one of the thousands of journals I frequent, but since I've been a bit wordier publicly this year, it's probably fitting I share this here. I also know that one of my resolutions next year is to be a bit more controlled with what I share-- not that I think sharing is a bad thing, but I've been a bit... explosive with my emotions this year, and while it can be therapeutic in the short term, it's something that ultimately I want to work on. I want to be open and honest, but only from a place where I'm not so impulsive.

So, here's a good bit of things I've experienced and learned from this year.

Water is key. I feel like this is the only way to start this list because it's a universal thing. Drink more water. It helps. If you are like me and chronically are awful with it, stick a straw in a glass. Use a mason jar. It's fun. Your body will thank you.

Crying is good. A bit much sometimes? Sure. Definitely, in fact. I've cried more this year than I have the last 10 combined, which sounds like a lot, but after summer of 2013 I pretty much stopped crying. I do think there is a lot to this personally. Unfortunately, I think some of it is hormonal, which is a reminder of just how far behind I am from where I wanted to be (i.e. my uterus is out for blood--literally-- when it should instead have been halted by sweet, sweet testosterone). But this has also been a year of great freedom for me, and one that I've found a lot of joy in. In fact, MOST of the crying I've done this year has been because I felt like I was allowed to feel things. It's been a slow burn these last few years, but it really did hit its peak this year. And if you were on the end of my What We Do In The Shadows snapchats of me reacting to episodes, my apologies. But it's been a needed release, and I think I'm now in a place where I am less explosive with it.

Health scares are very scary. I'm still avoiding addressing things. I'm terrified, but I know it's necessary, so it will come. But I need a little longer. This is not a proud admission. Do not do this.

Make lists. Make a hundred lists. Make four lists that you use simultaneously that all convey the same information but because they're in different mediums, your brain feels like it can keep track of it. Who cares. Your physical and digital desktops might look insane, but if it feels productive, who cares.

Those negative thoughts remain. This is something I've known for years, but it's a good idea to remind yourself about. I'm in a better place, I'm still here, and I will still be here to the best of my ability. But they happen, and they are real, and it's best to be aware of them. I wish they weren't, but that's a good reminder in itself that I'll be okay. I want to be better, and that's enough.

There will never be "time" to process. Time doesn't stop. Take breaks when you need them, take vacations, go to therapy, hole up in your room, whatever. But life keeps on happening, and it sucks, so you really just have to take it one day at a time. No matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you heal, things still happened, and you have to just move on. From my burnout to my PTSD... it's all still something I experienced. I have to leave it there sometimes, and just keep on going through my life. You can only shrink yourself so much.

Save money. This isn't really for me, because I do, and I will. I pride myself on this. But if you're saving, save more. Spend guilt-free sometimes, maybe even when you "shouldn't", but for the love of god, save some money. Save $100. Save $20. Keep a five-dollar bill in your wallet. Just anything. Even if you're like me and good with money. But also, if you're bad with money. It's a habit and you have to work on it. The world isn't going anywhere and with it remains the need to be financially smart. Just suck it up.

Stop watching shows or movies you don't like. Put down a book three chapters in if it sucks. Who cares. You can come back to it down the line, and maybe it'll be better. But you don't have to waste your time on something you chose to do for fun that isn't actually all that fun. Open a game you want to play only to close it on the menu screen. Shove your dinner in a tupperware if it's not something you want to eat. Whatever.

Shit is just going to happen. Did I go into this year knowing I'd go through anything that I went through? Literally no. Life is insane, and perhaps mine has been a bit crazier than others' lately, but stuff's gotta happen, and is gonna happen. Prepare yourself and your mind to know that, because it's a lot easier to deal with, say, a deadly hurricane headed straight for you or a phone about to explode somewhere it definitely should NOT explode when you play that "when life gives you lemons" Vine on repeat in your head. Sometimes you just get stuck with a bunch of lemons.

Anyway. I love New Year. It's been my second favourite holiday for most of my life. I don't believe in a Great Time Reset or resolutions, but I like the concept of a wiped slate. I will be the same person I was December 31st as I will be January 1st. Just with maybe a little more communal energy of "we can start again". Which is refreshing.

[how-to-survive-a-factory-tour]

How To Survive A Factory Tour - Chapter 15

A Sanders Sides / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory FanFiction

PREVIOUS

----------

 By the time the elevator stops, I feel like I’m going to puke. I hardly paid attention to what Wonka was telling us about all the rooms we passed, too busy counting myself through breathing exercises. Travelling that fast without safety harnesses has to be illegal.

I stumble out the glass death trap, taking a deep breath. I jump a little as a hand is put on my shoulder, but relax as the person speaks.

“You okay?” Roman asks. I nod.

“Y-yeah, just a little shaken from the ride…” I stand up straight, fiddling with my hood strings. I finally get a good look at our surroundings when we do so. “Uh… where are we?”

There aren’t any windows, the only light sources being fire-lit torches on the walls. And speaking of the walls, they’re made of rocky uneven chocolate. In front of us, on the ground, are tracks leading off deep into the caverns.

“I said earlier, we’re in the Rock Candy Mines!” Wonka responds. “Here, hundreds of Oompa Loompas are mining through this chocolate in order to excavate clumps of rock candy, which are driven out in mine carts, and taken to other rooms in the factory. Say, how about we hitch a ride in the mine carts? They’ll help us get deeper in the mines much quicker than if we walk.”

He goes over to the rails and pulls a lever beside them. About two minutes of standing in awkward silence later, a chain of mine carts zooms into view. They stop as they reach the end of the track.

“Hop on in, everyone!” Wonka climbs into the back cart. Ethan hops in the one in front of him, then me, and Roman takes the one at the front. Once we’re all securely in, Wonka leans over and pulls the lever again. There’s a pause… before we shoot off. 

I cling to the edges of the kart, praying I don’t fly out of it. This is just as bad as the lift, Jesus!

Roman lets out a whoop in front of me. What the hell, dude?! WHAT SINGLE PART ABOUT BEING HURLED IN A DEATH TRAP WITH NO SEATBELTS DESERVES A ‘WHOOP’?!

I’m gonna throw up, I am 100% going to throw up. I’ll try not to do so all over Roman, but given he’s right in front of me, and I’m too terrified of losing my head if I lean over the side, he’s right in the firing zone. So… good luck, Roman. It’s not my fault, it’s Wonka’s for almost definitely violating OSHA requirements.

Then finally, after god knows how long, the carts slow and pull to a stop. Roman, Ethan and Wonka hop out, while I more so crawl, knuckles white.

“When we leave here, can we walk? Please?” I ask.

Wonka shrugs, picking up one of the flaming torches from the wall to carry with him. “Sure, if you want to spend an hour walking.”

Roman shakes his head. “No way. We have walked enough.”

You know, there are some times when I really hate him and want to punch him in his perfect fucking face. This is one of those times. I’d take walking over those mine carts any day.

Wonka starts leading us even deeper into the caves, and begins explaining the process of how the rock candy is mined. I kinda stop listening after a bit. This is the most boring part of the tour so far, to be honest. It’s just a bunch of Oompa Loompas mining candy with pickaxes. Nothing particularly special or extraordinary like the rest of the factory.

My mind starts to wander. I wonder what Thomas’ doing right now…? Probably either editing his video at Remy’s place or at home. Remy’s either at home or at Starbucks. Mom’s probably still at work.

Aaaand now my mind’s wandering to Patton and Logan again. Right now, Patton could have been ripped to shreds by the whales, or drowned in lemonade… Logan could have exploded in a mess of juice, or ripened so that he’s stuck as a giant ball…

If he does get stuck, I wonder what will happen to him? Will he be kept in the factory? Or will he go home and just sit around there for the rest of his life, having to rely on his friends and family to take care of him? Either way, sounds horrible…

Ugh, I need to stop this! I need to stop thinking of the worst case scenarios for those two. Come on, Virgil, distract yourself, there’s gotta be something you can distract yourself wi-

… Where the hell is Roman?

Here I am, walking along with Wonka and Ethan, but Roman is nowhere to be found. Oh god, did something happen to him? Are Ethan and I gonna be left alone as the last tour members?! No way in hell! Roman is not fucking dying on me t-

“Psst! Virgil!”

I pause, turning around. Roman is still here and alive - thank god - and standing just around a corner down another route in the cave. He gestures for me to follow him down it, a wide grin on his face. I look back at Wonka and Ethan. They’re just wandering on down, not even noticing Roman and I lagging behind. Well, we probably shouldn’t stay behind and get lost. I don’t particularly want to end up like Patton and Loga-

Aaaand I have no choice in the matter as Roman is dragging me along with him anyway. Great.

“Dude, do you really think leaving Mr Wonka is a good idea?” I hiss at him, trying to pull my arm from his grip, but there’s no budging. Why does he have to be so strong?

“Sorry, Virge, but you have to see this! It’s awesome!” Roman squeals, practically breaking into a run. I do the same, not wanting him to rip off my arm by going too fast.

We continue through the tunnel for a minute or so longer, before Roman slows to a stop. We’ve reached the end of this cavern, and are stood in the mouth of a large cave.  

And in this cave, fast asleep, is a fucking dragon   .

It sounds insane, I know, but there it is, right in front of me. It seems to be made of a mix of boiled and rock candy, and is a reddish-pink colour, with a black stomach and horns. Instead of snoring, it lets out occasional small growls, showing off its long sharp teeth.

Welp, this is the most terrifying thing I’ve seen all day.

I turn to Roman, whispering, “Let’s get the fuck out of-”

“I’M GONNA FIGHT IT!”

“What?!” Wait, no, Virgil, don’t yell, no matter how stupid Roman is, you don’t want to wake the dragon.

“I’m gonna fight it! Just like the Philip in Sleeping Beauty…”

“Are you insane?” I hiss.

“Oh, come on, Virgil, I do fencing, I am skilled with a weapon. Speaking of…” He walks up to a pile of something in the corner and- HOLY SHIT IT’S A SKELETON. It is literally a pile of bones with a sword through the chest!

Roman pulls the sword out. “Here! I have a weapon! I’ll be fine.”

I look between him, the sword, the skeleton, and then back to him. “You are going to get yourself killed.”

Roman just chuckles, flashing me an a-million-dollar smile. “Just watch me.”

And with that, he sprints toward the dragon, sword raised.

“ROMAN!”

My cry doesn’t wake the dragon, but Roman piercing the sword into its eye certainly does. It jolts awake with a howl, before thrashing around until the sword is flung from his eye, heading right at Roman, who… catches it with ease?

...Whoa.

Roman goes running at the dragon again, letting out a battle cry. Thanks to the dragon being blind in one eye now, Roman is able to land quite a few initial hits while it’s finding its feet. It’s honestly incredible.

Extremely anxiety inducing, sure, but incredible.

The dragon soon spies Roman out of its one working eye, pupil narrowing on its target. It raises its tail in the air, letting out a roar, before slamming it down. Luckily, Roman dives out of the way just in time, slickly going into a forward roll and jumping to his feet, before leaping back into action.

I know fully well I should be running off to find Wonka and beg him to save Roman from the biggest mistake of his life. But… Roman actually seems to be handling this pretty well. Like, I could actually see him as a Disney Prince. He just needs the outfit, then he’ll be fully the part of a dashing, handsome prince…

… Did… I just call him handsome? And dashing?

...What?  

“Virgil! Watch this!”

OKAY, Virgil, ignore the weird thoughts and focus back on the situation- ROMAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THE DRAGON’S BACK?!

He’s just stood there, gripping one of the dragon’s spikes to stay in place as it thrashes around, trying to throw him off. He’s just grinning smugly, raising his sword in victory, despite the fact that the dragon’s still alive is directly contradicting the idea he’s won. So, instead of being a celebration of success, it just comes across as a really fucking stupid move.

Suddenly, the dragon stops thrashing. It growls, opening its mouth, a bubbling sound coming from the back of its throat.

And that’s when I remember the biggest defining feature of dragons: fire breathing.

Oh dear god.

The dragon raises its head, mouth opening even wider. A jet fires out into the air…

Only its not fire. Whatever this dragon is breathing is a golden brown liquid, as it falls back down, splattering on the ground. A bit lands in front of me, and I bend down, tentatively poking it. It’s not burning or painful, and whatever it is, It’s starting to harden already. Kinda reminds me of caramel…

Oh wow. This dragon breathes caramel. That’s actually pretty cool. And thankfully less deadly.

“What on earth is going on?!”

Wonka’s come in, Ethan beside him. And apparently the one second I’m turned away from Roman to see them arrive is the only second needed for something to go wrong.

“What the- AAAAAAAH!”

I turn back around to see Roman falling to the floor, the sword slipping from his grip. As he lands on his stomach with an ‘oof’, the weapon clatters away from him.  

Wonka pulls out a walkie-talkie, muttering into it. “Oompa Loompas to the Dragon’s Lair. Bring tranquiliser guns.”

Roman recovers and starts dragging himself over to the sword.  However, as he does, the bubbling sound comes from the dragon’s throat as it starts to prepare another caramel blast. Roman reaches for the sword as the dragon opens its mouth, aiming at him.

“ROMAN, LOOK OUT!”

Right as I cry, the dragon fires, and caramel covers the fallen prince.

Oh god. Oh Jesus Christ.

There are footsteps as Oompa Loompas run into the room, all with guns. They aim them at the dragon and fire. In seconds, it’s fast asleep.

I tentatively walk over and kneel beside Roman’s caramel covered form. I poke it. It’s dried, he’s stuck in the solid casing.

“Roman….? Can you hear me?”

There’s a pause, before a muffled scream comes from inside the caramel casing.

Well… at least he’s still alive?

Wonka turns to one of the Oompa Loompas. “Break Mr Prince off the floor and take him to the Caramel Carving Room, please. Make sure you break him out before he runs out of oxygen in there.”

He could run out of oxygen?!

Oh fuck, oh god…

A group of Oompa Loompas run over and push me back from Roman. One has a hand cart, presumably what they’ll use to take Roman from the room. As they start to break him off the floor, music starts to pick up, until all the Oompa Loompas burst into song.

“Roman Prince, the arrogant pest    He’s always proclaiming that he’s the best    We hope he likes the smell of caramel    As it will infect his final breath  

Roman Prince, ego way up far    His maddening mantra was “I’m the star!”    But now say goodbye to the title role    As he takes his final curtain call  

Yes, now he’ll join the other two    From the tour ejected    Will he survive the tragedy?    Or will corpses be collected?  

One drowned whale food    All eaten up    One stuck as fruit    Or has blown up    Now Roman’s joined the two of them    And he may surely meet his end

Roman Prince, the pompous bitch    Will soon develop a nasty itch    We’ll soon hear the twit screaming from in the food    As his oxygen store runs out for good!”  

And with that, the Oompa Loompas wheel Roman the caramel statue from the cave. They really saved the worst song for him…

“Hm. That’s odd. They usually don’t use such foul language,” Wonka says. “Anyway, shall we move along?” And with that, he skips from the cave.

I just kinda shuffle behind him and Ethan. I can’t take this. I cannot take this, not anymore. All three of my brand new friends could be dead. I feel like I’m going to be sick. And heading back to the door to the room on the mine carts doesn’t help. By the time we’re back in the corridors, I’m trembling from head to toe.

“Right! Where shall we go to next…?” Wonka wonders aloud. “I think the Television Room is just down the hall, as is the Coconut Ice Rink. What would you two prefer?”

Okay, Virgil, tell him your sick of this. Tell him you don’t want to spend any longer in this death-trap, you just want to see your friends be saved and make sure they’re okay, and then go, leave, get out of this torture chamber-

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

----------

Roman is no longer available for asks

NEXT

Taglist:@clone-number-1, @pumpkinminette, @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing, @jessicakennedy957, @why-should-i-tell-youu2, @dont-lose-urhead

[snowyseahorse]

All of them

why do you do this to me

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Are We There Yet by Timeflies and Chase Rice

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Where to find Better People

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Pulling myself out of my worst emotional/mental state like a year ago and evolving because of it (and I guess my grades too lol I have a 4.0 and I’m taking 4 AP tests monday-wednesday)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Dancing in my room and Feeling Good

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d tell the truth more and tell people I love them and take easy classes because What’s The Point and make out with more people (I haven’t made out with anyone in like 6 months I’m sad) and get my driver’s license and cry more

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t! I just want to be happy. Nothing else matters.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

Jeremy @diediedie000000000000000000000 is my closest friend right now and he’s fantastic. He has the most confusing eating habits and I don’t even try to understand them; he’ll eat like 3 servings worth of pastries and beef jerkey and sunflower seeds and 5 thin mints for breakfast. His metabolism is golden too, so he eats so much but has no body weight or fat. His hair is black and long enough to run my fingers through, which always messes it up. (but he says he enjoys it so it’s all good) He likes the aesthetic when it’s wet and all over the place, but doesn’t like actually having wet hair. His skin is perfect too and he has cute little freckles below his eyes that make him look like a literal angel. He doesn’t like drawing attention to himself but is a sluT for attention from his friends, so when I randomly take pictures of him he looks so bashful and pleased and adorable and tries so hard not to smile. On FaceTime sometimes he’ll just straight-up ask for attention and I turn off my laptop and we both lay down on our beds and make noises at each other. It’s so hard to believe that he used to ignore me in the hallways because he’s shy. I’d pass him and call his name or touch his shoulders and he wouldn’t even make eye contact. He also lied and said that he doesn’t like cuddles, and now he’s one of the most physically affectionate people I’ve ever met. (he also said that he didn’t like to say “I love you” to his friends and guess what else changed) Even at school he’ll get really close and just touch my leg or my side. (our computer graphics 2 class probably all thinks we’re dating) He does this cute thing where if I pet his nose he like leans his head into my hand like a cat and my brain is just like oh my gosh protect this human. He has a lot of cute mannerisms too. When I’m on the call and he has to put his phone down he makes the same little face that he uses for literally every snapchat he sends, with his lips pressed together and his eyebrows raised. If he’s explaining something really intensely he will sometimes curve his fingers like he’s holding two tennis balls and tense up his entire body. He’s an enneagram 4, which basically means that he gets high off of being special, and we use it as a meme when we’re talking about him. Whenever I do something weird I ask him if it “satisfies his ennegram 4” and he replies that it does. He also likes doing things that make him feel closer to someone, I guess because it reaffirms his importance and reliance. Wearing no makeup or having messy hair or singing in front of him are things he really appreciates(I’ve done all three). I’m painting him as really soft and pure but he also can be quick to retaliate (”if someone starts something, you can be sure I’ll finish it”) or become defensive if he considers himself provoked. He doesn’t like having people dislike him though, and is really proud of not hating anyone or having any real enemies. His memory is terrible, especially at night, and honestly it’s a miracle if he remembers anything that happens past 9pm. Even his short term memory after dark is pitiful. There was one night where I tested him and told him to remember a song, and 10 minutes later when I asked he has no idea what I was talking about. I’d ask him to corroborate the story but there’s no chance that he remembers. The lack of memory makes him really doubtful of facts too. My favorite test is to ask “Jeremy, did I grow up in a fjord?” (I didn’t) and he usually starts with “no”, but if after he answers I don’t say anything, he always changes to “yes?” and prompts my “JeremY, this literally happens every time. You KNOW that I didn’t, and just because I stay silent doesn’t mean that you’re wrong.” Am I a bad person? He really just needs to be protected; I’m so worried that one day he’ll literally sell his soul or do drugs or blow all of his money and just think nothing of it. I would never trust Jeremy with finances. He’s an impulse buyer, and sometimes also gives people way too much money to eat spicy food or something else unpleasant; it drives me insane because I despisE spending money. Video games are another one of his vices. He’s amazing at every game he plays. It’s really just excessive at this point. Pokemon is his childhood and he destroys me on Pokemon Showdown constantly. (I’ve never played a proper pokemon game) He got me into PS, eating in my room, and RWBY, and I introduced him to Be More Chill and Heathers and Hamilton. He can sing really well, which is only further proof that he’s actually an angel. I feel like we have a pretty good balance as friends. He tackles his emotions head-on while I avoid them at all costs. He like to be able to rely on other people and I only want to rely on myself. He only owns one pair of shoes (by choicE) and I love feeling pretty by wearing makeup and outfits I like. He keeps his family out of his social life and I tell mine everything. He’s a wonderful friend and I don’t deserve him at all but I try my best to.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Yes! My family is wonderful so I got lucky.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I don’t know. I usually don’t. It was probably Jeremy though.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Jeremy,,,,,, because he’s my closest friend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

To an extent. It depends on who they are.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

I haven’t stayed up until 3am probably since I was dating my ex boyfriend, so him.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Probably tell my mom that I love and appreciate her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They wonderful and u n i q u e

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“It is a dangerous thing to unbelieve something only because it frightens you“ - Cheshire Cat in the book “Heartless“ (I just really like it because it’s so consistent with truth and fighting against oneself)

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

I don’t know, maybe something about evolving and getting through thing and becoming better. Maybe “Better” because it also aligns with the OneRepublic song

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

I hate spending money, I’d probably just hold onto it forever

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I used to be more so, but life isn’t as black and white as it used to be. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Literally 12 year old me was doing fine. She doesn’t need a letter. 14 year old me maybe did.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I don’t think I’ll get any more piercing than the ones in my ears now because earrings irritate my ears and it just wouldn’t be worth it. I like the look of tattoos that are slightly darker than the skin, and are on the person’s hands or waist, but I probably won’t get any. I don’t know. People can do whatever they want with their bodies.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, concealer, some highlighter. I just like the look of it.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. 

I don’t know, but TOP is always a good choice for this. I made my Depression Castle in minecraft listening to them.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

I believe in you

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

The only one that made me feel anything was when I saw OneRepublic with my ex boyfriend. He started talking about depression and my hearT.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’ve talked about the first person I was in love with, and I’d probably want the letter to be from her because we don’t talk that much now. We’re going to prom in the same group and she’s going to be so gorgeous and I’m going to gravitate to her like I always do and I don’t know. I just want to know that she doesn’t hate me.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Yes! I’m sentimental as hec and so I have pieces of paper from my friends and small things and sticky notes all over the back. (actually I calligraphied “Riley” and “Katherine” onto sticky notes a while ago to put there because I don’t have anything physical to remind me of you two)

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Call Jeremy, brush my teeth, floss, I’m probably already in pajamas, take my makeup off, unmake my bed, take my bra off, get into bed, say goodnight, sleeP

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

That I masturbate………. My mom was talking once about how I might not orgasm until I’m in my 20s and that’s ok, and I just kind of laughed. It would probably be fine if I told her but ya know

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I just redyed it pink today!

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Jeremy, Marissa(she doesn’t have a tumblr), @parksandrecmeup, @sparklygemsuniverse, and @internet-pringle and honestly I’d go anywhere with them

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

Happiness (it’s what I always wish for at 11:11)

That my future will be wonderful

That the world will improve

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

When I was smol my mom sewed this thick piece of fabric together and we painted and stick feathers to a mask so that I could be Hedwig from Harry Potter. I was so warmmmmmm

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never been either because I’m boring

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song, because I can still go about my normal life and interact with society

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Twice! The second time was better and softer. I was always smiling and happy, and texted him 24/7. My heart felt like it glowed.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

Nah. I like my hair

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Hot chocolate because I Avoid starbucks, and anyone can order for me tbh

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Myself *sunglasses emoji* (I’d say Jeremy but like he doesn’t need my help, my main goal is helping myself)

[hqtbells-blog]

plot bunnies masterlist. ✍🐰

Hey guys! So one of my goals for 2017 was to make my year in Scandalous as enriching and inclusive as possible. Come August, I will have been a member of this group for four years - that’s insane. I’ve never been part of a role play group for that long and it’s all due to the fellow writers that surround me here. It’s been so much fun playing Troian here and getting the chance to interact and write and plot with as many of you as possible. Sometimes I wonder how I haven’t run out of muse for her just yet since with other characters, I lasted only months feeling creative on them but I know that the biggest reason is all her connections. From gif chats to paras to chatzies to text threads - I love all of it and I’m so thankful you guys seem to care about my fictional queen. As much as I love real life Troian and hope that I’m playing at least all of her best qualities as true to life as possible, I also feel like I’ve made her my own completely with her own backstory and her own history that’s mine entirely. I’m probably never going to actually meet Troian (but hey, just standing next to her and hearing her voice in my ear was enough), so my characterization of her comes from interviews and articles and just..me, I guess. So thank you for indulging me in playing her because she’s honestly my true escape.

And that goes for Ian and now Lili as well! I took on Ian after several portrayals of him so I was lucky enough to get plots and connections instantly, but Ian’s friendships and the ship of Ian x Lucy has been so much fun to play as well. I’m not quite as educated on him as I am with Troian, or even Keegan for that matter, but I still love that adult man child so much so I’m happy you guys are always willing to interact with me on him as well. As for Lili, well - there’s literally not even a Wikipedia page dedicated to her yet. I’m going with scraps here so Lili’s also going to be a character I basically create from scratch. I can’t wait.

I rambled enough, and the whole point of this post is that I want plots. I need plots. On all of my characters. I want to write with as many of you as I can and I want my previous connections to thrive and new connections to grow. I know how nerve wracking it can be approaching players for plots and there’s always that “uhh..I really wanna write with you but I don’t know what to do..” since most of it is based on chemistry, yeah? You can’t just jump into a ship plot or a fwb plot or any sort of relationship plot without seeing if your chemistry meshes together first. So these ideas are more based on settings, and if any of them interest you, please message me and we’ll get more into detail! Like I said, this can be with Troian, Ian, or Lili. I don’t want to do repeat plots so please don’t ask me to do the same plot on more than one character, because we’ll both just get bored. We want variety, right? We want it all. So take a look over, see if any catch your eye and I can’t wait to write with you!

001. My character and yours decide to spend the night in a “supposedly haunted” house. It can actually be haunted, it can just be aesthetically creepy, but they’re spending a whole night in there with nothing but flashlights, their cellphones, a sleeping bag, snacks and maybe a video recorder.

002. My character or your character comes onto the scene to see m/y getting arrested or pulled over. Is it all a big misunderstanding? Is alcohol involved? Are charges pressed? The severity of it is up for negotiation! (Please keep in mind your character’s criminal history, the affects it would have on their life e.g. children, partner, work, and how any charges would impact their reputation.)

003. My character and yours are handcuffed to each other..and one of them has lost the key. Please note I did this plot on Ian with him and Lucy, and it took a more humorous route. It doesn’t have to be funny! Our characters can be pissed about having to spend the day together - it’s even better if your character is involved with another person or has to be on set that day. They have to spend a whole day together, a span of at least seven hours but the key eventually has to be found.

004. Somebody’s won the lottery - it’s the character of your choosing! The prize amount can range from one hundred dollars to five hundred. Our characters decide to have a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Adventure with these winnings and cross items off their bucket list together. Keep in mind they have to stay in one state and obviously items checked off can’t be too big - no traveling to Europe or finding your long lost mother.

005. OPEN PROMPT - Troian will write a letter to her future self and your character can read it and respond to it. Note: We can also make this a plot! The letter can be left on her kitchen table, tucked into a book at the book store, etc.

(With open prompts, the post will obviously be locked so only your character can reply to it!)

006. M/Y character just got the crushing news that they didn’t make the dream audition they’ve been working so hard for - screw ‘em! They don’t know how good they could’ve had it. Alcohol (or something else if your character is a recovering addict) is the obvious cure and now the goal for tonight is to cheer you up and find you a new project.

007. This one will be pretty basic - think of something your character has always wanted to cross off their bucket list and ask my character to join you. They don’t have to be close, the whole point is that they do this together.

008. It’s late at night and m/y character is sitting down on the curb, looking sad and alone. They’re approached and pretty soon, they’re spilling their guts about their hopes and wants. They’re obviously in a pretty vulnerable spot, so maybe alcohol is involved. Maybe they’ve just been rejected. Maybe they’re having a bad night. This plot idea is pretty basic too - I just want our characters to have a deep chat. R E S E R V E D for; Lili + Keegan. @supitskeegs

009. OPEN PROMPT - It’s a game of truth or dare with Ian. No question is off limits, no dare too risky. (Please do not attempt to murder my adult baby tho.) R E S E R V E D for; Ian + Zendaya. @iaamz

010. OPEN PROMPT - Lili will write about her biggest regret, and your character will read it and be able to reply.

011. Last night is a blur - neither my character or yours remember it. It started out with a few tequila shots and then..just blackness. What’s even scarier is that our characters wake up in the same bed together the next morning. Note: Only with Lili will this plot extend to the possibility of our characters having slept together.

012. M/Y character can’t sleep. Tossing and turning, turning and tossing, and even counting sheep just won’t suffice tonight. Giving up the fight, they roll over and grab their phone. With eyes closed, they point to a contact in their address book and decide to text/call/FaceTime them to see if they’re up. Somebody’s got to lull you to sleep. R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Zoe. @hyfzoe

013. M/Y character has just gotten stood up. They worked really hard on looking nice too, even if they were a little reluctant about the date. Do our characters come across each other on the night out? Does someone call for a getaway car? Oh no - they can’t stop crying and now it’s up to the knight (or lady knight!) in shining armor to save the day! R E S E R V E D for; Lili + Grant. @theflashgrant

014. AU PROMPT - Zombie apocalypse! What do our characters do when the unthinkable happens? How do they fight off the zombies? Where do they hide? Note: This will probably be just a one shot but it could go into multiple threads if the story gets interesting!

015. AU PROMPT - Y/M character is homeless and has been that way for a while. Limited to stealing from the grocery store, sympathetic dollars from passersby, and soup kitchens, the other character comes across them one cold night. They’re trying to stay warm near and y/m takes pity on them and invites them back home. 

016. AU PROMPT - Y/M character is the king/queen of their kingdom and the opposite is the new handmaiden/stable boy/whatever other title we can think of. How do our characters get along? Is it a forbidden friendship? Are they plotting something evil? Do our characters fall in love and plan to run away together?

017. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the most unforgettable moment of her life and your character will be able to read it and reply.

018. AU PROMPT - The world is ending in exactly one week. How do our characters prepare for it? How do those last seven days go for us, together and apart?

019. Y/M character comes across the opposite getting very publicly reprimanded/insulted/jeered at/harassed and it’s unclear whether they deserve it (though if it’s sexual harassment - you know they don’t.). Regardless, they’re embarrassed. Tears are streaming down their face, cheeks are turning red, and now a whole crowd has gathered. What do you do to stop it? R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Grant. @theflashgrant

020. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about who he would most like to switch bodies with for a day and your character will be able to read and reply to it. Note: This can also be a Freaky Friday AU prompt for any character!

021. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about the bravest thing she’s ever done and your character will be able to read and reply to it. 

022. Y/M character is getting hit on by a very intoxicated individual and they’re not impressed. Or maybe they’re amused. Or maybe they’re ready to grab that drink off the nearest table and throw it in this person’s face. Do you step in and try to get them out of it? Do you pretend to be their significant other? Do you distract them by adding yourself into the equation? What follows after is up to us! R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Keegan. @supitskeegs

023. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the scariest moment of her life and the person who helped her though it. Your character is able to read and respond. Note: Depending on which moment I choose, I might also extend this open to the character she mentions if they are playable.

024. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about his biggest fear and your character is able to read and reply. R E S E R V E D for; Ian + JoAnna. @joannagrcia

025. Our characters go on a trip together. They don’t have to be close. They can be total strangers with each other, or they can be the best of friends. The point is that they’re spending a maximum of five days together in somewhere other the state/country they reside. How the trip comes about, where they go, what happens on it is entirely up to us and can be discussed! R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Nina. @nina--dobrev

026. Y/M character comes across the other writing/reading fan fiction. How embarrassing! Or not, if the character genuinely enjoys it. Our characters can talk about the fanfiction, can act it out (bonus points if they film it and share it with fans), or they can just be mortified and beg and plead to do anything so that the other person won’t tell their guilty little pleasure..

027. AU PROMPT - Ten years have passed for our characters and this is the first time they are seeing each other. What’s the relationship like? What happened in the past that they went years without contact? What’s been going on in their lives? Note: This plot works better for already tight-knit connections but we can make up histories! It is alternate universe, after all. :)

028. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about her biggest flaws and her biggest weaknesses. Your character is able to read and reply.

029. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about a huge event in her life that changed her world forever. Your character is able to read and reply.

030. Y/M character has just received a gift from the other, and it’s very unexpected. It’s something they’ve been wanting for a while! Why did the character do this? What’s the gift? The only thing that has to be certain about this plot is that it’s positive. No negative gifts. No prank gifts. Just a simple, fluffy plot about the kindness of a character.

031. AU PROMPT - Our characters get thrown into a fictional universe for a day and have to live in that world. Where are they? Do they get thrown into a plot? How the heck do they get out?!

032. Y/M character is baby-sitting and oh shit, they’re baby sitting an actual demon spawn. They call the other character for help! Just how messy of a situation are they in? (I’d very much like to do this plot because Lord knows I have personal stories to back this up..) R E S E R V E D for; Troian + Sophie. @sophieteex

033. The weather is crazy outside. It’s practically hurricaneing/tornadoeing/snowing/earthquaking/whatever weather condition you can think of. The only thing that can’t be changed is that our characters are stuck together until it’s over.

034. OPEN PROMPT - Ian writes about his favorite book. Your character is able to read and reply.

035. Everything is going wrong today for y/m character. And now the opposite is dragged into it. Are they able to turn the day around? Why is the day going so bad? Did somebody break a mirror? Cheer up squad to the rescue. R E S E R V E D for; Ian + Grant. @theflashgrant

036. OPEN PROMPT - Lili writes about a time she was generous/somebody was generous towards her. Your character is able to read and reply.

037. OPEN PROMPT - Troian writes about the one thing she’d like to change about herself. Your character is able to read and reply.

So there you go! Plenty of options and I tried to make none of them require admin approval so that we have free reign to plot to our heart’s content. The AU prompts will be strictly chatzies since they have nothing to do with the present verse, and the open prompts will be more chat threads on the dash. I had so much fun compiling these together and if I’m lucky enough to get volunteers, I’ll be making a part two. Thanks for looking over and I hope some interest you!

[backdoor-emotions]

My Truth

I had spent four years of my prime loving a woman who refused to show me they loved me back. Still to this very day I find myself loving them or at least in a state of confusion where I feel that I loved them because the idea of them loving anyone else besides me is still unbearable and difficult to comprehend on a sane level. I’m not even sure if I’m being fair in stating that they never loved me because I’m not sure. I only know that they didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved, the way I needed to be loved, no matter how much I begged for that type of love. They may have felt the same about me. You get wrapped up in the idea of love and the instant chemistry when you meet someone and you think, this is it! I was destined to spend the rest of my life with this person! Feelings that are unexplainable and you feel that you are in love. That’s the way I felt about Felicia. I felt that we were destined. Created for each other and with my experience in past relationships I waited for the other shoe to drop and it did. Often. Each time I felt intense disappointment. Intense rage. Intense pain. The pain, when I succumbed to it, often felt unbearable. The gut wrenching feeling of feeling not good enough and unwanted.

Unwanted, that word resonates strongly with me. I had spent majority of my childhood feeling unwanted, not good enough, too fat, too ugly, too bald headed, too dark skinned and at times too smart. I was different. I was different in school, I was different in my family, I was different everywhere I went. I didn’t think like most people, I cared about the things that most people cared about but even in my youth it always felt like my feelings didn’t matter as much as the feelings of most people. I used to always tell my ex-wife, I had abandonment issues. I had never been told this by a license clinician but it was how I felt about myself. I had felt abandoned. This could be taken as a sob story but in reality, it’s just how I view my life and though at this very moment I want to crawl into a ball and sob so loud with such force that it shakes heaven and hell, until there are no more sobs or tears left to cry and I’ve freed myself of the pain and can finally go on to living a calm carefree life, I’m not and I probably won’t.

My earliest memory goes back to the day I found out I was adopted, I was very young. I was either in Kindergarten or First Grade but I remember this day. As a toddler I misbehaved often and threw tantrums, horrible ones. I hit teachers, I threw things and I was hell. This caused my mother to have to miss work often, or one of my family members, in particular my grandmother to have to pick me up from school. On this particular day I had gotten expelled from school and my grandmother came to pick me up. She was livid. I still can feel the beating she gave me and I can hear vividly the words that came out of her mouth after she beat me sore with welts along my hind and legs. “You put my daughter through so much and you’re not even her child.”

It's probably unbelievable to think a child could remember something like that but I do. I remember those words and I also remember asking my mom when she came to pick me up after work if they were true. That day I found out the position I held in my family but most of all I found out how my grandmother really viewed me. Even as a child I didn’t feel as though she liked me much, and I felt I was treated very different from my other cousins or family members. I didn’t receive the same kind of love they received and even in saying that to this day their memories of her are fair better than the memories I myself hold towards her.

After that revelation my thoughts began to wonder down paths that I’m not sure I understood myself. Who is my mother? Who is my father? Why didn’t they want me? I remember having these thoughts are early as the age of seven. I remember getting disciplined for my usual disobedience and crying out “I want my real mom!” I didn’t even know who she was! I finally got to meet her that Summer, my mom and aunts would take yearly trips to their hometown in Georgia. We lived in Atlantic City, New Jersey, it was where my family migrated with their parents when they were in their late teens and twenties. On this particular trip, I was at the home my Great Aunt and Great Grandmother shared together. This is where I met my biological mother. My Great Aunt Chat had called her to tell her I was in town and that she needed to come see me. I remember overhearing the conversation and the feeling of excitement I had gotten knowing that I would finally get to meet my “real” mother.

When she finally showed up, she showed up with a guy. She didn’t even get out of the car. I remember she seeing her. I saw her face, what she looked like; I heard her voice. In my age that was enough, it answered the question that had burned in my head since I had first discovered the truth. I now knew who my mother was and she was beautiful. Young and beautiful and she finally reflected the mother that my peers in school shared. My adopted mother was much older. She was 40 when I was born and my biological mother was 16, if that helps to paint a picture. I was in awe, I had finally get to meet my mother, though I hadn’t met her at all. Our encounter maybe lasted a whole fifteen minutes and if it lasted more it simply shows exactly how little of time my younger self may have felt that was. I didn’t see here again during that visit but I had quickly become obsessed with the person everyone called “Teka”.

Following my meeting with my birth mother, I met her mother at a cookout. Upon news that she would be there, I remember one of my aunts telling me to make sure I didn’t let her kiss me because she had HIV/AIDS. This was a big deal in the 90s and I also had a vivid memory of the extremes that took place when one of my cousin’s father passed away from it and I witnessed him in the hospital before his death, so it shook me to the core. This turned out to be untrue, and if you knew the nature of how my adopted family behaved and the constant assumptions and gossip that took place, you would better understand why someone would spread such a rumor like that. The reality was, my grandmother was a drug addict and she was very small, actually most of my biological family was small, compared to the members of adopted family. Many of them also partook in the use of hard drugs which majority of adopted family did not partake in. With that being said, I was terrified and each time she tried to come near me, I would run away screaming and crying.

Eventually she caught me by surprised as I was playing on a swing set and she grabbed me and refused to let me go. She asked me why I was so scared of her and being the blatantly honest child that I was at the time, I told her that my aunt told me she had AIDS. She was visibly upset and told me she didn’t have AIDS and for some reason I believed her. I let her hug me and push me on the swing and I actually thoroughly enjoyed myself with her. I felt love come from her and from that day forward I was excited about my Grandma Berniece. Every time I saw her I felt the love, excitement and her happiness to see me. I felt the way a child ought to feel when in the presence of their grandparent.

Now this may be completely off topic from my introduction but I feel it could better help others and myself to understand exactly why I allowed myself to become so embroidered into the relationship with Felicia as I did and why to this day I do not know if it was love or just plain insanity on my part. 

That Summer I went back home to New Jersey with the knowledge of who my mother was and that I had a Grandmother who cared about me. That didn’t make things better tho, it almost made it worst. I acted out more, I was more impatient and more than ever I wanted to be with my biological mother. As a child, I didn’t get the same things my cousins or even the kids in my school got. My mother’s priorities were different. While the other kids wore the latest shoes and clothes, I wore my female cousins hand-me-down clothes and an occasional outfit or pair of Payless shoes my mother bought for the First Day of School. I had two older brothers who got the better end of the deal, mostly because they were boys and required different upkeep than girls. Since most of my female cousins were the same age as me, I had to deal with the issue. That’s just an example of the ways I felt different from everyone else. My mom did have emphasis on how much I excelled in school. There would be times where I would bring home all A’s or A’s and B’s and my mother would give me one hundred dollars or more to do whatever I wanted to with. At the time that was a lot of money, and that was my reward for bringing home good grades. I was very intelligent in Elementary School so that happened almost every quarter for me.

Anyways, my anxiousness eventually got the best of me and I begged my mom to let my visit my biological mother again. This begging occurred through solemn tears raging tears where I screamed, I wanted my real mom while being disciplined for instanced of misbehavior. She ended up paying for my older cousin, who had kids my age and myself to visit my mother in Florida. This was when I was eight. We spent maybe two weeks visiting my mother and it wasn't a reunion made in Heaven but it was sufficient for what I was used to. It was the first time I had actually got to spend time with her and talk to her and be in her presence for more than a few minutes. During that visit, I also learned that I had been kept a secret to my mother’s boyfriend and he had only just found out about me right before we were set to arrive to visit. 

I actually did feel some kind of way at the time, with that information though I’m not particularly sure I can accurately describe it since it was 20 years ago. I also noticed that the time that was supposed to be me spending time getting to know my biological mother turned out to be time I actually spent with my biological brother and my older cousin and my mother spent with each other doing things 24 and 25 year olds tend to do for fun. My cousin ended up spending more one on one time with my mother than I did. The most time I spent with her was when I walked to her room in curiosity while she was doing her hair and stared at her. I also cried, to this day I’m not sure why I cried. Maybe my younger self was aware of the pain I was in emotionally. The ways I felt knowing that I had been given away and the rejection I felt and not feeling as I was worthy of being significantly acknowledged by her. I was shy in her presence, to this day I am the same way though it gets better as the years go by. Back then I was extremely shy, I didn’t feel worthy of her, because ultimately she gave me away. 

I realized the extent of this due to the reminders that I had began to face once my adopted family knew I knew I was adopted. I had heard things like “Rochelle isn’t really part of this family.” Although I was actually adopted into an extended part of the family, and we all shared biological blood. I was teased by my cousins during child disagreements with things like, “That’s why your mom gave you away!” This probably sounds unbelievable but these are things I heard during my childhood and it caused a lot of pain and anger to bloom inside of me. 

That day when I burst into tears I remember her sitting me on her lap and asking if I was okay. Were they treating me right? All I could do was nod. My adopted mom had raised me as her own, though in those days it didn’t feel like enough because I had the constant reminder from most of her sisters and their children that I wasn’t “actually really apart of the family”. This never occurred in my immediate household, but the family so close knit and my mom spent so much time working that I was subjected to it on what felt like a daily basis. She hugged me and explained to me why she gave me away. She said it was because she had me young and couldn’t take care of me and told me that she loved me and just wanted me to have a better life than the one she could give. But she seemed to be doing fine now. She had her own place and she was raising my brother. My brother has every video game on his Nintendo that you could name and he was dressed nice and had the latest shoes on his feet and he seemed happy enough. So now that she was doing better why couldn’t she take me back?

Those were the questions in my head when I returned home from that vacation. They stayed there, constantly in my head. Back then making long distance phone calls within the U.S. were similarly to making an international phone call in the early 2000s. Super expensive. So I didn’t really get to talk to her on the phone but I did write letters and that I didn't get responses to and of course she never called me. Even then I had convinced myself that she loved me and that I would finally get the happiness and love I longed for if my mom would just let me go live with her. “Give me back to my real mother.” After much bickering, arguing and tears, my mom finally obliged when one of my cousins who lived in Georgia came to visit. She sent me back with him. While making that long trip to Georgia on that Greyhound bus I had finally believed I was going to get exactly what I wanted. A chance to have a mother-daughter relationship with my mother.

Those optimistic thoughts took a terrible turn when she finally came to pick me up. She sat across from me with a pissed off expression on her face and asked me, why I had come? Said she hope I didn't think I was gonna come there and show my ass like I did in New Jersey and I should’ve stayed where I was. I can admit I did have a nonchalant look on my face when she came in but I was nine years old and I was mostly scared of disappointing her. That day I felt probably the greatest disappointment that I had ever felt in my early years of life. I quickly changed my mind and decided that I didn’t like her and I didn't want to live with her anymore. I called my oldest adopted brother who had relocated to Georgia with his girlfriend at the time to come get me, and she promptly left without saying another word to me.

During that brief visit I met my biological father for the first coherent time of my life. He showed me an extremely opposite side than her. Our initial meeting began with hugs and lots of tears from me and an equal amount of expressions of gratitude for finally being able to see me and hold me. I was happy too. I had finally got to meet my biological father. Someone I had not obsessed over but who had instantly showed me the affection I so desperately craved from my mother. One of the first personal things I remember asking him was why they have me away. He explained to me that he had been incarcerated when my mother gave me up for adoption and when he came home he found out about it.

To be continued...