#insane glow up from last year if i do say so myself

[candyje11yfish]

whoops i actually forgot to post here whoops. ice cream lady!! 😇

[knoxic]

Cycle of Greed

Azriel x reader | Lucien Vanserra x reader | p1 - p2 - p3 - p4 - p5

Summary: Reader and Lucien arrive at Day Court and go drinking. Azriel goes through some rough shit and gives Rhys and Cassian a new trauma.

wc: 6k

warnings: Alcohol, almost death experience, mentions of sex (?)

a/n: I wrote the Lucien scenes while drunk and sleepy, the next day when I went back to write I didn't remember half of it. It was a good surprise, I caught myself blushing at my own work.

After arriving at Day Court, Lucien took you to the inn where you'd be staying. Helion no doubt had a room ready for both of you, but Lucien didn't want to risk being stuck in his father's palace, not again. You understood his reasons, of course, the damage Beron had done to him was one Lucien would have to carry for the rest of his life.

The inn was cozy and entirely Day coded, embellished in white and gold. Your room was more of a flat, with a couple of bedrooms, a bathroom decorated with stained glass that reflected colorful lights, the kitchen was filled with white furniture, high arched windows allowed rays of sunlight to dance inside the living room, you could swear Lucien's skin seemed to glow with them.

Watching him in what was supposed to be one of his natural habitats was something special. Lucien had to learn how to fit into places that weren't ready to receive him in his true form, so he adapted. Although he still maintained some of his origins, the Autumn part of himself had mixed with Spring over the years, he kept some of the colors and habits, Day Court was only in his blood, hidden from everything and everyone, even himself for some time. While your wardrobe only contained Night Court clothes, Lucien had perfected his to fit into any court he had to visit.

Now adorned in white and gold, Lucien was breathtaking, striking male beauty only Helion radiated.

"When we get back, you should ask Feyre for a painting, it'll last longer." He didn't even lift his head to look at you. Your cheeks warmed, he caught you staring him up and down, but surely there was nothing wrong in admiring a friend right? Especially if said friend was Lucien, who deserved to be looked at with nothing but admiration and pride.

"Shut up." You rolled your eyes at him with no true irritation. Lucien barked out a laugh, throwing his head back, a smile curled on your lips at the sight.

"There's nothing wrong with looking," he turned his upper body back to face you, flashing you a smirk. "I even dare say I liked it."

"Gods, you're so full of yourself aren't you?!" you groaned, more at yourself for eyeing him like that. After over a century of pining over Azriel, admiring him, wanting only him, looking at another male felt weird.

You went back to your room, dropping on the bed and rethinking your decision to come. You didn't regret accompanying Lucien, but this close proximity suddenly felt strange, you shared an apartment with him for God's sake, why did you feel this way?

Being with Lucien never felt wrong before, but now it did. Because you were starting to see him as a male, not a friendly male, an insanely attractive male. When your body heated and a knot formed on your lower belly, you thought of Azriel. Not Lucien. Now you weren't sure who you'd think of when your hand drifted down your body, who you'd imagine between your legs when your eyes slipped close from pleasure.

Azriel had never left you unsatisfied, it always felt good to be with him, he knew what to do and you wouldn't deny that, and it was natural that you'd only find pleasure with him or yourself. But if he could want another female when he was still with you, then you wouldn't feel bad about wanting another male while being single.

"Did I make you uncomfortable?" Lucien asked quietly, you hadn't even heard the door opening. You lifted your head to peer at him, he kept his head down while leaning against the doorway. "It wasn't my intention."

"You didn't," your head dropped back, "I'm just thinking." It was true, but he just didn't need to know what you were thinking. Lucien hummed and you heard his steps coming closer, you had closed your eyes for a moment when his weight dropped on the bed, instead of laying on the space beside you, he opted for laying horizontally above you, being careful to not lay on your hair but still close enough.

"Of him?" You would've laughed at the situation if you weren't so mortified. You wondered if Lucien thought the same, if he felt attracted to other females after Elain.

"Can I ask you something?" As embarrassed as you were, knowing that he felt the same would make you feel better, and if he didn't, then you'd just pretend you never felt anything.

"I didn't know we had to ask for permission, Ace,"  he tried teasing but his voice was as tense as yours. "Of course you can." You took a moment to find the courage you needed.

"Do you– ugh," it was harder than you expected, Lucien wouldn't judge you but he'd definitely tease you for being horny, and maybe that wasn't exactly what you needed.

"Just ask it." You turned your head up slightly, he already looked down at you, seeing him look so vulnerable and open eased your worries. Lucien was your equal, no matter what, he'd stand by you and some silly lustful thoughts wouldn't push him away. Not after everything you went through together.

"Do you feel... Like, do you want–or think of other... females?" heat rose to your cheeks and ears, you averted your eyes from his but kept your head turned to the side, so you could see if he tried to hide a laugh.

"Yes." Your head snapped up, his face was as serious as you ever saw him, like it didn't bother him at all to admit it.

"Yes?!" You didn't mean to sound so shocked, you were just surprised by his lack of concern. If it didn't mean that big of a deal for him, who had a mate, then it wouldn't be for you either. "Like in a–"

"Sexual way? Yes, I think of another female." His eyes drifted away before he turned to look up, "It's easy not to think of Elain. She's my mate, and yet... I don't even feel attracted to her anymore." His mouth opened and closed, a sigh escaping him before he looked at you, his eyes pleading for something you couldn't place, "Would you think badly of me if I said she meant nothing?" You wouldn't, couldn't ever think badly of him. Elain never gave him a chance, he was completely allowed to do and think whatever he wanted now. At least he had tried.

"No," your hands twitched with the need to touch him, comfort him, "I understand." The relief in his eyes was clear, he needed reassurance.

Only a beat of a moment passed before you could stand being so far. Slowly you pushed yourself up, wiggling your head against his arm hoping he would understand what you wanted, fortunately he did, with an amused scoff Lucien lifted his arm, allowing you to push yourself higher and drop your head into his stomach. His arm dropped beside your body, his fingers brushed your own arm a couple times before he deemed it okay to rest his hand on it.

"Can I ask you something?" Hearing the same phrase you spoke to him before now really sounded weird.

"Since when do we ask for permission?" Lucien laughed, his stomach moved and your head bounced, you lifted yourself to glare at him for it and it only made him laugh harder. Before you knew it, a hot hand placed on your forehead pulled you back down, his arm dropping to your chest to hold you back from lifting again.

"Why did you ask me that?" His voice was gentle and warm, your cheeks burned at how fast your body filled with goosebumps, "Do you feel attracted to other males?" At your lack of response, his thumb caressed your cheek carefully. "It's okay if you do, it doesn't have to mean anything."

It doesn't have to mean anything.

There's something about Lucien that just soothes you, as weird as it feels to say it, his mainly nature allows you to be yourself, no hard shells. You didn't have to fight off males at bars because Lucien was there to do it for you. You didn't have to be the male. He radiated warmth and comfort.

"Come," he didn't give you a chance to respond to his latter question, the hand that wasn't on your chest gently lifted your head, "Let's go get drunk." For a brief moment his eyes settled on your body, before you could feel embarrassed under his gaze, Lucien spoke with a certain annoyance, "But it won't do with those clothes, honey."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, "What's wrong with my clothes?" Even though your attire was rather simple, there wasn't anything particularly wrong or ugly about it.

"Funny, you never told me you had eye problems." The mocking smile on his face made you groan.

"Because I don't!" You yelled, sitting up so fast that your head spinned. Lucien blinked slowly, waiting for you to realize what was wrong, he only spoke when he noticed how lost you were.

"We're in Day Court, they're gonna kick us out of the bar if I take you out looking like this!" his hand gestured towards your dark clothes, "You're the perfect picture of a Night Court resident." Lucien stood up, snatching your hand and pulling you to your feet, you almost fell when he continued pulling you out of the room, towards the front door.

𓂃

When Azriel woke up for the second time, his chest hurt. A pressure he never felt before making it hard to breathe, his lungs burning as if he was drowning, the satin sheets scratched his sensitive skin. After he managed to fully open his eyes and look down at himself, he noticed red bumps on his arms and chest. When he tried to move, his whole body ached like he'd just fought the worst battle of his life. And the worst part was, he couldn't feel his wings.

In his half assed inspection, he noticed the dirty blonde hair sprawled across his sheets and he knew then that his shadows wouldn't help him. He tried to call for Elain, or anyone really, but he just ended up having a bad coughing fit. As he usually did when he couldn't or didn't want to speak, he called for Rhysand, hoping his brother would hear his desperate plea and help him.

'What's wrong?' his voice sounded annoyed but if Azrie wasn't so concerned, he'd notice how worried Rhysand actually sounded. 'Az? Answer me!'

When he woke for the third time, the room he was in wasn't his own, he recognized after a brief glance around that it was the infirmary.

"You're awake! Thank the mother..." The last part was uttered under his breath, Rhysand shot up to his feet, ruffling Azriel's hair with one hand and lightly patting his arm with the other. "I thought we'd lost you, brother."

Loud footsteps echoed through the hallway moments later, the door busted open and suddenly he was being pulled up, strong arms holding his body tightly.

"Idiot," sniffles and sobs muffled against his neck, "you scared me!" Cassian pulled back to look at him, wide and red eyes roaming over his face and body, taking in his features and wellbeing.

"What happened?" Azriel pulled back only to be taken by a different pair of arms, Rhysand nuzzled his head against his own, a shaky breath tickling his still sensitive skin.

"Madja said you had an allergic reaction, something you ate or drank or something overdosed..." Cassian spoke slowly, like the words felt weird on his tongue, "Azriel–" his breath got stuck in his throat, a choking sound filled the quiet room. Rhysand pulled back from the hug, violet eyes drifted between his two brothers, settling a while longer on Cassian. Azriel watched their silent interaction curiously.

"Az..." Rhysand called his attention, waiting for him to nod before continuing, "Your heart stopped beating."

𓂃

Shopping with Lucien was exactly how you expected. Trying on a bunch of different clothes only for him to roll his eyes and shake his head no, gesturing with a hand for you to get back inside the dressing room and try the next. You would've gotten annoyed at him if he didn't make up for his attitude.

"That's... By the Mother, Ace." He chuckled nervously, "Don't get me wrong! I mean—you're beautiful in any way, but in that... A Goddess would be outshined in your presence." You could swear the room had just turned a bit warmer and brighter at his words.

"Stop it–" you brushed him off.

"No, I mean it." That being the last dress you had to try on, Lucien got up from his seat, taking the basket with the clothes he'd approved and made his way towards you. His hand took yours gently, pulling you closer to himself, you were too busy trying to avert his gaze to notice the way he looked at you, the way he admired you. Trying to get your attention Lucien squeezed your hand, making you look up, for a moment you both just stared at each other, then he lifted your hand and made you turn slowly.

"Yeah, we're definitely taking this one." Lucien didn't give you time to be embarrassed, placing his hand on the small of your back and guiding you to the shoes section.

𓂃

"What?" His question was whispered under his breath, his sore throat made his voice rougher than it usually was.

"For a few minutes we–" Rhysand exhaled another shaky breath, "we lost you. You died." He waited for Azriel to show any reaction before caressing his mind with careful talons. Azriel allowed him with no more than just a blink.

"Az? Azriel!" Rhysand tried to shake him awake, feeling his brother's frigid skin made him recoil. "No..."

"Rhys? What's– Oh Gods, no, no, no!" Cassian pushed the High Lord aside, gathering Azriel in his arms and walking out in hurried steps. Being careful not to bang his wings, long legs or head against the door and walls.

He knew he hadn't checked Azriel's pulse or breathing, and refused to look down at his bare chest to know for sure, but he only had one thing in his mind at the moment, finding help. He would do anything to make sure his brother would live, but he knew he couldn't help him in this situation, and he also knew how Rhysand felt on death threatening occasions, so he went to the only other place that could give Azriel the type of help he needed.

Madja was always ready for anything, there was never a day or night where she wasn't able to help. Whatever it was, she always had the solution for it.

Until now.

"I am so sorry, High Lord!" she seemed as desperate as they were, "It seems his body is fighting something, he has symptoms of an allergy reaction, his organism reacted badly to something and is now trying to reject it. But I can't tell what and if I can't tell... then there's nothing I can do..." her eyes were filled with moisture, she couldn't meet anyone's gaze and wouldn't tear hers away from Azriel.

"We can't just sit here..." Cassian pondered, something came to his head and he glanced at Rhysand, noticing how he seemed to be on the verge of panic he stepped closer, "Brother, look at me! He's not going to die, you hear me?! Azriel's not going to die!" Cassian shook him, calling to him in his mind, showing him what he was thinking.

𓂃

Four drinks in and you couldn't take it anymore, it'd been so long since you've gotten drunk that you weren't sure if you knew how to handle alcohol, Lucien didn't seem like he'd stop any time soon. Now you realized how spoiled Rhysand had gotten you, unintentionally or not. You were used to his wine and the drinks at Rita's, which paled in comparison to what they had in Day. A little part of you that hadn't come out in so long, slowly slipped to the surface, new ideas about trying the rest of the unusual drinks or roaming the city trying a drink from each bar you could find filled your head.

"Didn't you like it? We can try another." Lucien tapped your arm with his fingers, bringing your attention to him.

"No, this one's fine," you took a sip of the coloured drink trying to make a point, grimacing as you did.

Lucien grinned, "Yeah? Then I'll get another–"

"No!" Your hand shot up to hold his arm when he moved to stand, his face told you you'd have to give him a good excuse if you wanted him to sit back down. You groaned and let go of him, your fingers lightly pushed the drink away. "It's not bad–Really! it isn't! It's just... I'm not used to drinks this strong." You muttered the last part, hoping he wouldn't catch.

"Sorry, what was that?" He leaned close, one of his hands cupping his ear. You rolled your eyes.

"I said, I'm not used to drinks this strong." Lucien cooed at you.

"Aw, baby! You could've told me!" the hand that cupped his ear fell to your back, gently patting and rubbing you, you waited for the moment he'd mock you, "I would've asked for a warm cup of milk–"

A loud smack echoed. Just in time for your hand to make contact with his arm, the talking and music quieted. A few faes turned to glance at you both, raised eyebrows and hushed whispers, your cheeks heated up at the embarrassment consuming you. Lucien threw his head back and barked out a laugh that had your head falling against the table with a tud, you wanted to cave a hole right there and bury yourself in it, only coming out centuries later when everyone had forgotten it, including yourself.

𓂃

"Thank you." Rhysand breathed out, after seeing some color return to Azriel's face he felt like he could properly breathe again, "Really, I'll be in debt with you for the rest of my life." Those were dangerous words for a High Lord like him, and still he pronounced them clearly, it was a promise.

"No need. You're my friend and I'm glad to help." Helion patted his arm and left after a brief nod in Cassian's direction, wanting to give them the privacy to be vulnerable. Cassian immediately took it, crossing the room and pulling Rhysand into a tight hug.

"He's okay, he's okay." He repeated. Rhys hummed against his neck in response.

Now that the worst part was over, that he was sure Azriel would live, the brutality of the situation hit him. Azriel almost died and Elain was behind it. He wondered if she knew what she did, if that was her intention from the beginning or if it was an accident. He wondered why. Even though he hated the idea, he thought she loved him, thought they loved each other, enough so that Azriel defied him. But this... this wasn't love. Her reasons to do it didn't matter.

Rhysand hated himself for failing his brother, but he hated her more. He wanted to go back to the House of Wind and make Elain pay, perhaps giving her the drug she had given Azriel and see what happened, a strong Illyrian male survived, with the right help, he wondered how a simple high fae would take it, alone.

While embraced in strong loving arms, Rhysand fantasized about the female who almost killed his brother, who threatened his family. Wild fantasies of her in extreme pain, deadly worry, agonizing her last breath filled his mind. He wondered if Azriel would want a turn with her, if he'd want to make her pay for almost ending his life, for taking away his choice, for destroying the life he'd built with you.

Ace. He had to tell you, even if you ended up ignoring him, even if it didn't change anything for you, you should know. But he had something to do first.

𓂃

Coming back to the inn felt like a dream. With merry eyes that place was heavenly. You didn't remember getting ready for bed but the oversized shirt you wore and lack of makeup on your face showed you had. After doing your morning routine, you left your room. You assumed Lucien was still asleep given that there weren't any sounds coming from the hallway, so with quiet steps you made your way to the kitchen, only to find the table already set.

You were too busy munching on a piece of bread to notice the presence behind you. Two fingers jabbing into your ribs and a weirdly attractive 'morning' uttered by your ear made you jump, the squeak the chair let out mixed with your yelp. When your heartbeat stopped deafening your ears, you heard Lucien howling.

"The bread!" He wheezed. You watched him with narrowed eyes but after understanding what he had said, you started searching for it. "Cei–" he tried to say something only to start laughing again.

"What?" You frantically searched for the bread and still there was no trace of it, glancing back at Lucien you noticed his finger pointing up. The piece of bread had stuck to the ceiling above your head, the splashes of jam started falling as you looked up. A weird wet sound and the smack of bread on the table had Lucien barking out laughter.

Someone knocking interrupted your silly moment, Lucien wiped the tears in his eyes and walked to the front door. The silence that followed was awkward, there was no sound after the door opened, no greetings. A few seconds later you got curious and decided to go see who it was, as you walked closer Lucien asked what was wrong, you would've waited fro the other person to speak if you hadn't caught a glimpse of black. As you fully turned the corner, violet eyes drifted to you.

There was something in him that just felt unsettling. Rhysand seemed disturbed, and you hoped it had nothing to do with you.

"I need to talk to you." His voice was quiet, worrying you even more. You nodded and Lucien invited him in, closing the door behind him.

"I'll be in my room if you need me." He walked away after a brief look at you.

You took Rhysand to the living room, pointing for him to sit before taking the other side of the couch. The High Lord leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees, his fingers fidgeting.

"I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to show you," he hesitantly turned to face you, "if you allow me."

"Okay." Even if it had something to do with you, it was bad enough to make Rhysand nervous, and that wasn't good.

Images of the last three days filled your mind. Azriel's pale body limp and Cassian gathering him would haunt you forever. Seeing Rhysand's inner turmoil, Cassian fighting to stay composed for his brothers sake, the Archeron sisters yelling at each other, Mor and even Amren looking troubled, it was all too much for you. Minutes after the memories ended you still hadn't pronounced a word, there was not a single indication of what you were thinking or feeling.

"Helion helped heal him, Madja wasn't able to so we brought him here. We would've taken him to Dawn but given that it was a potion, we couldn't risk losing time only to be met with no solution, and since there's not a spell Helion doesn't know, it was a wise decision." With a glance in his direction, you noticed how he nodded absentmindedly, his voice quiet as if he was talking more to himself. "It was Cassian."

The thought of Cassian poisoning Azriel sounded horrifying and the most unrealistic thing ever, "What?!" It was a loud whisper, you would've yelled if your voice hadn't failed you, almost muted from shock.

"No! Gods, no! I'm sorry I made it sound like that, I meant that it was Cassian's idea to bring him here. He took over when I couldn't think straight..."

"Thank the Mother," you breathed out, relief overtaking you for a moment before another thought came to mind, "but, who was it?" you hesitated for a moment, Azriel couldn't have poisoned himself accidentally, and the thought of someone close to him doing that, was terrifying. If someone had the guts to harm The Spymaster of the Night Court, they were either out of their mind, or the most threatening person to enter that court in centuries.

"Elain." Your stomach dropped, that uncomfortable sensation of shock filled you, Elain!?

Out of everything your mind could have come up with, Elain harming Azriel wouldn't be one of them. Up until a few seconds ago you still thought they loved each other, thought she wanted him badly enough to push her mate aside, thought he wanted her badly enough to throw you away and go against his brother to be with her. She had him, how could she harm him like that? Why?

"When Azriel was stable, I went to interrogate her, to know exactly what her intention was." He started when he noticed you were lost in thought. "It was a love potion. She had been cultivating passionflower for months now, its tea is used to treat insomnia, anxiety and pain. but apparently it's also used on love potions. So every time she pretended to help him ease his anxiety and sleep better, she was also drugging him into being in love with her." You uttered some curse words under your breath, Rhysand nodded in agreement before continuing. "She was using the flower petals and concentrated syrup on the cakes and pastries she gave him, saying it was a new recipe or just a form of payment for his help. According to her, three nights ago Azriel started acting differently, she could see the way his behavior drifted from being obsessed and lustful to disgust and indifference, so she thought it'd be a good idea to triple the tea's dose. The thing is, Az already had a decent amount of it in his system, he just wasn't reacting to it, and after the triple dose... It made him relax and sleep as intended, but when he drifted off, his heartbeat slowed way more than normal and it only got worse. The soreness he was feeling from the past few days turned into extreme pain, the beating Cassian and I gave him, his wing... It all made him too sensitive, the bruises turned red and angry like closed wounds or rashes. He managed to wake up somehow," Rhysand gave a humorless laugh, "and he called me... when I found him..." he drifted off, for sure reliving the moment behind his closed eyelids.

"Rhys..." you tried to find what to say, but nothing came up, you couldn't think straight. Your lower lip trembled, your eye stinging with tears that you couldn't keep from falling. A hand rested over your shaky one, his body shifting closer to you, his other hand bringing you to lean on his chest, planting a kiss to the side of your head before resting his against you and letting his own tears fall.

"I know it's a lot to take in... it was for me too." He breathed shakily in and out. "I took care of her, Az is safe, no one will hurt him again. It's okay." He kept uttering words to comfort you both.

You didn't know what to think. Azriel hadn't chosen her, he didn't love her, didn't push you aside because he stopped loving or wanting you. It made sense now why he seemed so intrigued when you mentioned breaking up, why his change was so sudden, why you didn't recognize him. The Azriel you broke up with wasn't the same Azriel you had fallen in love with, and at the same time that it relieved a horrible weight off of your chest, it also laid another. Because even if it wasn't your fault, you hated yourself for not seeing it earlier, for leaving him and giving her the chance to have him, and more so for even for a brief moment, wanting Lucien.

"You couldn't have known." You immediately closed off your mind and pushed away from his chest, refusing to meet Rhysand's eyes. "I'm not judging you, I wouldn't ever do that. I hate myself too for not seeing it, I knew he was different but I was just so pissed that I didn't even consider... I'm sure that the Azriel we know wouldn't judge you either. And, can I tell you something?" His hands were still holding yours and rubbing your back.

"Yeah." You still refused to look at him, your cheeks tinged with shame, Rhysand lifted your chin, his face showed no signs of bad emotions anymore, and if you dared guess, it showed hope.

"First I want you to know I'm not prompting you to do anything, I just want you to acknowledge the truth, you don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to. Again, I'm not going to judge you." He waited until you understood and nodded before speaking. "Azriel never loved Elain. His heart belongs to you... his soul belongs to you."

You tilted your head in question, wondering why he looked at you so intrigued. Of course, hearing that Azriel never loved another from someone else's mouth comforted you, showed that you weren't so wrong in assuming.

"Sweetheart–" he opened his mouth to continue but closed quickly after, thinking for a moment before meeting your eyes with a newfound determination, "Elain only resorted to that because she knew she was losing time, she couldn't make him fall for her naturally, and she knew she wouldn't have the chance to do it if Azriel found out." Rhysand shook his head when he noticed you didn't have a clue of what he was saying, his talons caressed you mind wanting to show you. It was a moment you didn't remember, and wouldn't ever because it didn't and wouldn't happen.

Both you and Azriel babysitting Nyx, who was snuggled in your arms, giggling from your fingers tickling his sides. Azriel watched the scene with adoring eyes, his shadows danced at the sound of your laughter, floating around you. The baby's back was turned to him, and the sight of his wings and black hair gave Azriel an image of what could be his future. His baby, giggling and snuggling with you, their eyes a copy of yours, nose the perfect mixture of you both, pointy ears half hidden behind black hair. Your eyes met his from behind his nephew's head, the light in them and your face glowing with happiness told him you were thinking the same. The love he cultivated behind his ribs bloomed, he could swear his heart pulsed so hard you could see it moving even hidden behind his shirt.

He watched you gently place Nyx down, making sure he entertained himself with some toys before making your way towards him. Azriel met you halfway, as always, locking his arms behind you and pulling you into his chest, your bodies fit perfectly.

"Can you imagine it?" You spoke softly.

"Yeah, I can." You could basically hear his smile.

Azriel pulled back slightly, his hand coming up to your head to make you look at him. Your eyes met hazel ones, the molten gold in his eyes, mingled with green and brown, glowed. The swirls they made resembled his shadows, you could spend hours staring into his irises and still they would fascinate you. Azriel blinked, when your eyes met this time, there was gold in yours too, a small thread growing brighter and brighter, his heart ached, a pull constricted his breath and he hissed, when your brows furrowed and your eyes watered, he knew you felt the same.

The thread became bigger and you finally felt your souls connected, Azriel's happiness was overwhelming, the tears fell. His forehead rested on yours, he sniffled and chuckled a moment later, shaking his head in astonishment.

"It's you..." he smiled, pulling back and caressing your face, "I always knew it was you." He whipped your tears while his own fell freely down his cheeks, your hands cupped his face, bringing him down for a kiss.

The memory ended and your heart broke. Seeing Azriel so close like that again, and so full of love, that was the male you knew and loved, knowing that perhaps you'd never get to experience that moment with him, absolutely wrecked you. Your throat tightened trying to hold back your sobs, fat tears rolled down your face, wetting your and Rhysand's shirt. 

Azriel was your mate. It was you he was tied to. Not Elain, not Mor. You.

Your mind provided you with a thousand possibilities of how your life could have been, if only Elain hadn't interfered. Your heart ached for him, for you, for the family you could've built. You still wanted him, it was too soon for you to have stopped wanting, but it was also too early to tell what was the right thing to do. Perhaps such a thing didn't exist, you both have always walked a thin line between right and wrong.

What confused you most was also longing for Lucien. Right when you decided that it wasn't wrong to want him, this happened. How could you feel so much want, and for different people? 

So you cried. For everything and everyone. For all the possible futures you could've had, and for the ones you still could have. For hatred, for love, for the blankness inside you. For not knowing if what you felt for Lucien was only lust. For still loving Azriel, enough that whatever happened with Elain didn't matter anymore, it wasn't his fault anyway. And most importantly, you cried for yourself. For the pain inflicted upon you, for the rough path you always had to walk, for the weight of the world that you carried on your shoulders everyday.

Rhysand didn't move, his arms never strayed from your trembling body. He never tried to stop your tears, he knew you had to get the pain out someway. He whispered gentle words right by your ear, everything he knew would help ease your worries and pain.

The tears stopped after a few minutes, Rhys didn't let go immediately, letting you make the first move and pull away first. After that you spent a little while thinking through your options, taking a moment to decide what you wanted. 

“Do you think–” you glanced at him to see his expression, “do you think he'll want to see me?” 

“What?!” Rhysand scoffed, “Sweetheart, of course he'll want to see you.” 

This trip was supposed to be relaxing, a time for you to not think of everything that happened. Lucien has asked you to come with him, to be there for him. You knew that he'd be okay with you going to see Azriel, because that's just the way he was, he would put himself aside to make sure his friends were happy, nevermind that his own happiness was just as important.

If someone deserves happiness, a happy ending, it's him. Lucien overworked so he wouldn't notice how alone he was, he used to avoid going home before you went to live with him. You both had become so much closer in the past few days, taking care of each other, having more fun than you've had in years. 

You weighed your options, you could stay with him and continue with your original plans, you could go see Azriel out of respect for the time you spent together and worry for the male you loved, you could just send a letter, and you could go back to him, because none of what happened was his fault.

“I need some time to think.”

Taglist: @going-through-shit @crazylokonugget @meritxellao @cleverzonkwombatsludge @paintedbyshadows @mp-littlebit @rcarbo1 @that-one-little-soybean @scatteredstardustt @littlepippilongstocking @lorosette @minnieoo @hailqueenconquer @azriels-shadowsinger @blessthepizzaman @chelsiemp @saltedcoffeescotch @thestartitaness @historygeekqueen @sillyfreakfanparty @entr4p3 @warmdragonfly @clementine111002 @azriel-shadowsingerr @amiime @anuttellaa @loulou0101 @acourtofbatboydreams @xmalfoyweasleyx @anna-reader-blog @melmo567 @buttermilktea11 @helo1281917 @thelov3lybookworm @cazrielsfairygf @hanatsuki-hime @st4r-girl-official @feiwelinchen @fhgsvbnh

[ntonlvr]

Can't Help Myself Falling Endlessly 3-4?

synopsis: sohee decides to throw a party. anton and y/n continue to sneak around..

what could possibly happen next..stay tuned

word count: 7.5k>

status: 4/? (this 2 chapters in one)

content warning: explicit sexual content, oral (fem and male receiving), drunk sex, slight mutual masturbation (?), idk what else to tag lmaoo

please leave feedback :)

The morning sun filtered through your curtains, casting a gentle glow over your room as you stretched, thoughts of last night with Anton lingering in your mind. His kiss, the way his hands felt on you, replayed vividly. You reach for your phone and settle back into bed, the cool sheets enveloping you. With a giddy excitement, you prepare to spill everything to your online besties, Taro and Sung. 

You’d been friends with them for years, bonding over shared interests and countless late-night conversations. They were all well aware of your history with Anton–a childhood friend with whom you’d recently felt a growing connection beyond mere friendship. Whenever you needed advice or just a sympathetic ear, they were always there. 

Just as you were about to text them, Sohee’s voice echoed from downstairs. “Hey, Y/N,  are you up? I need your help please!” Rolling your eyes, you chose to ignore him for the moment, fingers quickly tapping across the screen.

TEXTING CYBER BULLIES:

y/n: good morning :) guess whos filling my mind this morning …

taro: hmm anton 👀

sung: yeah, i second that. it has to be anton 

You grinned at their responses, fingers flying over the keyboard as you recounted last night's movie night. The way you were both snuggled up sharing light touches before the moment turned into something more. 

y/n: you won’t believe what happened last night 

taro: ooh ?? pls tell

sung: spill right now

y/n: well last night anton came over for a movie night, right. well we had a few shots of soju and we ended up kissing,, but like more heated …

taro: WAIT what!? i thought you guys were just friends!! did i miss a chapter 

sung: no stupid. that’s the news. BUT Y/N WE NEED MORE INFO NEOW.

sung: we know you had a fat crush on this man, but never expected you to actually do anything about it..

y/n: hey- i would’ve done something about it

y/n: i would like the jury to know that i did in fact make the first move

taro: and when you say the kissing got heated? what do you mean by that

y/n: um we might’ve felt each other up. and he definitely kissed me elsewhere.. you get the picture

sung: oh we will be facetiming later to discuss more details. you aren’t getting out of that

taro: yeah for sure. but how are you feeling? what are you gonna do??

y/n: well we agreed to keep it a secret for now, just so we can figure out our feelings for real. and how to break it to sohee if we progress further.

sung: SOHEE DOESN’T KNOW ?? DUDE 

y/n: hey remember when i said “we agreed to keep it a secret” OF COURSE SOHEE DOESN’T KNOW STUPID.

sung: well was it just heated kissing? if so i don’t think there’s any harm in that.

y/n: about that heheh…

taro: y/n i swear to god,, what else are you hiding from us .

y/n: after he left last night, we were texting- actually let me send a screenshot of our texts

y/n: *screenshot*

sung: .. no freaking way .. Y/N HE SNUCK OVER AFTER HE LEFT FOR THE NIGHT ..oh he’s got it bad for you

taro: oh 0.0 “i would love to feel you right now” you’re actually insane for that (i love it)

y/n: um so he did in fact sneak over. let’s just say a man can please and ya girl can please.

taro: and sohee had no idea anton came back over last night? girl you are so in the clear right now

sung: this is some next-level drama. i am living for this BUT how are you keeping this a secret?

y/n: idk 😭 that’s the hard part. we don’t really get a lot of 1:1 time because of sohee

taro: hmm maybe you can both sneak away tn since sohee’s throwing a party

y/n: how do you know he- stalker

sung: taro quit stalking sohee’s socials

taro: i like to know things, okay 

y/n: but taro does have a point. there will be enough people around so anton and i can have some alone time

taro: im living for the secret rendezvous with you and anton. so what’s the next move?

y/n:  i want to look good tonight. idk the thought of looking so good in front of anton when he has to act normal is making me go crazy

taro: you already know i support. pls send outfit ideas

As you laughed at their playful encouragement, Sohee called again, louder this time, “Y/N! Seriously, come help me. I know you’re up, I can hear you laughing.” You smirked and typed one last message.

y/n: i will!! i gotta go before sohee loses it -.-

You head downstairs and grab a cup of coffee to kickstart your day. Sohee enters, carrying a box of lights and other decorations. 

“Finally! I thought you were trying to skip out on helping me,” Sohee says, placing the box next to you. 

“I don’t get why we need all these lights. We already have lights in the backyard,” you reply, eyeing the tangled mess.

“Yeah, but these are way better. Anyway, I did have something I wanted to talk to you about last night,” he begins, leaning against the counter with a more serious expression.

Your heart skips a beat, and a wave of anxiety washes over you. “What about it?”

Sohee sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I noticed something weird when I joined you both for that movie last night. Like something with Anton,” he says, his tone filled with curiosity. “Anton seemed kind of off, like he was distracted.”

A lump forms in your throat, and you struggle to maintain a calm facade. “Distracted? What do you mean?” you ask, trying to sound casual, but the slight tremor in your voice betrays you.

Sohee pours himself some coffee, looking thoughtful. “I don’t know, just a feeling. He was quieter than usual. Maybe he’s got something on his mind.”

You force a laugh, relieved that Sohee hasn’t pieced anything together. “Yeah, he’s been stressed about work lately. Probably just that.”

Sohee shrugs, seemingly satisfied with your explanation. “Makes sense. Anyway, let’s get these decorations up. The party won’t set itself up.”

You nod, the tension easing as you both start untangling the lights. The relief washes over you, knowing that your secret is still safe for now.

The morning flew by in a whirlwind of party preparations with Sohee. As you helped him hang lights and arrange decorations, your mind kept drifting back to Anton and what the evening might bring. Around midday, while you were putting the final touches in place, Sohee’s phone began buzzing loudly. 

“Sohee, could you please pass me another hook so these lights stop falling?” you called out.

“Sorry, I’m actually going to head out and grab drinks for tonight,” Sohee replied, already reaching for his keys. “Do you mind holding the fort down while I’m gone?”

“Can’t you grab me a hook before you leave?” you retorted, frustration evident in your voice. 

“Well, I’m already out the door, Sorry, I’ll be back in a little while,” he said, closing the door behind him.

“What an ass,” you mutter to yourself. Did he really just leave you to finish setting up for a party he wanted to throw? “Whatever,” you thought. “I’ll wrap this up and then get ready for tonight.”

In your room, you laid out your chosen outfit on your bed and took a shower to refresh yourself. The warm water helped relax your nerves, and you spent extra time carefully styling your hair into loose waves that frame your face effortlessly. 

Unlocking your phone, you started a FaceTime call with Taro and Sung to get their opinion on your fit for the night. 

“Hey, Y/N! What’s up?” Taro greeted you enthusiastically as his face appeared on the screen. 

“I need your fashion advice,” you said with a grin, “I already chose this dress, but I have another option in case the jury doesn’t like it.”

Sung leaned forward, curious. “Let’s see what you���ve got.”

You set your phone up, and backed away from the camera, displaying the dress you had on. A skimpy sundress in a pastel floral print that hugged your curves in all the right places. “Okay, this is the first option. A personal favorite,” you explained, giving a playful twirl to show it off. 

Taro’s eyes widened with approval. “Wow, Y/N you look hot in that dress. It really compliments you so well.”

Sung nods in agreement. “Definitely. It’s perfect for tonight. Anton won’t be able to take his eyes, and maybe even his hands off you.”

Before you could grab the second outfit, Taro exclaimed, “We don’t even need to see the other one. This is perfect!

Sung nodded in agreement. “Yeah, seriously. Anton won’t be able to resist you in that.”

You laughed, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. “You really think so?”

“Absolutely,” Taro said confidently.

“Totally,” Sung added with a grin.

The thrill of teasing Anton added an extra layer of excitement to the night. You couldn’t wait to see his reaction when he sees you. Taro and Sung could sense your anticipation and share in your excitement. 

“We can’t wait to hear how this plays out for you,” Taro said, eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Yeah, keep us updated,” Sung added. “This is going to be so much fun.”

You smiled, feeling more confident than ever. “Thanks, guys. I’ll let you know how it goes. Tonight is going to be good.”

“Sorry guys, hold on a sec,” you apologize, tapping the screen to switch over to Sohee’s call. The image shifts to a chaotic scene in Sohee’s car, packed with shopping bags brimming with bottles of various liquors.

“Sohee, what’s all this?” you laugh, eyeing the assortment of drinks.

Sohee grins mischievously. “I figured we needed a little something extra for tonight. And look who I found on the way back,” he gestures towards Anton, who waves from the passenger seat, a shy smile on his face. 

Anton leans into the camera view, his voice tinged with humor. “Hey, Y/N. Sohee decided to kidnap me for the cause.”

You chuckle at them, feeling a surge of excitement for the night ahead. “Well, looks like we’re all set then. Thanks, Sohee. See you both soon.” With a wave goodbye, you switch back to Taro and Sung, who are grinning at the unexpected interruption. “Okay, I gotta go, babes. I’m pretty sure Sohee is close to being back and is gonna need help with everything.”

Taro laughed. “Good luck! And remember, we need all the juicy details later.”

“Yeah, and don’t leave anything out!” Sung added.

You smiled, feeling a renewed sense of confidence. “Don’t worry, you’ll get the full scoop. Talk to you later.”

The evening air was thick with anticipation as Sohee’s car pulled up to the front of the house. Anton stepped out first, followed closely by Sohee, who was balancing the bags of goodies with practiced ease. They exchanged knowing glances, both fully aware of the surprise that was about to unfold.

You descended the stairs, your presence catching Anton’s attention almost immediately. Anton’s breath caught in his throat as he beheld you in the sundress, the soft pastels playing against your skin like a delicate watercolor. His gaze traced the curve of your waist, the gentle flow of the fabric over your figure, and the way the dress seemed to illuminate you with a subtle radiance.

At that moment, time seemed to slow for Anton. He couldn’t help but marvel at how effortlessly you wore confidence like a second skin, how every movement you made seemed to carry a quiet grace that captivated him anew. Thoughts raced through his mind, a whirlwind of admiration and desire intertwined. 

“Wow,” Anton managed to whisper, the word escaping his lips almost involuntarily. His heart hammered in his chest, a mixture of awe and a deeper, more profound feeling stirring within him. He found himself unable to look away, wanting to etch this moment into his memory. 

As you reached the bottom of the stairs, your smile brightened at the sight of Anton. You could sense his reaction, the unspoken admiration that hung in the air like a delicate thread. It was a moment suspended in time, where words seemed unnecessary amidst the unspoken language of glances and smiles. 

You joined Sohee and Anton as they gathered the remaining supplies from the car. The back seat was filled with bags from different stores, and a variety of beverages. Anton began to unload them while you and Sohee carried them inside. 

“How was the store?” you asked, breaking the silence as they maneuvered through the hallway. 

Anton glanced at you, trying to keep his focus on the task at hand. “It was alright. Sohee managed to get all the best deals.”

Sohee nodded in agreement, setting down his load on the kitchen counter. “Definitely, I know what I’m doing. Thanks for helping us by the way.”

You smiled warmly, “Of course, I’m happy to help.”

As they continued unpacking, you reached to grab a big bowl from the top shelf, inadvertently lifting the hem of your dress just enough to expose the bottom of your ass. Anton’s eyes widened slightly at the unexpected glimpse, his cheeks flushing as he looked away, trying to maintain composure. You bit your lip, suppressing a smile at his reaction before bending over to now retrieve something you didn’t even need, knowing full well you were testing Anton’s self-control at this point.

As they unpacked the bags, Y/N noticed Anton stealing glances at you from time to time. You couldn’t resist a playful tease. Setting down a bottle, you turned towards Anton. “Enjoying the view?” you ask in a low whisper.

Anton’s cheeks flushed slightly, caught off guard by your directness. He chuckled nervously, trying to play it cool. “Uh, maybe a little,” he admitted with a shy smile. 

Y/N tilted her head, pretending to ponder. “Well, I guess that’s a compliment,” she replied, her eyes sparking mischievously.

As they continued unpacking, you reached to grab a big bowl from the top shelf, inadvertently lifting the hem of your dress just enough to expose the bottom of your ass. Anton’s eyes widened slightly at the unexpected glimpse, his cheeks flushing as he looked away, trying to maintain composure. You bit your lip, suppressing a smile at his reaction before bending over to now retrieve something you didn’t even need, knowing full well you were testing Anton’s self-control at this point.

Anton shifted his position, feeling the tension between them growing more palpable with each playful gesture. 

“So, Anton,” Sohee called from the other side of the kitchen, oblivious to the teasing. “Can you check if we have enough mixers?”

“Uh, sure,” Anton replied, his voice a bit strained. He moved to the pantry, grateful for the temporary distraction. As he rummaged through the shelves, he couldn’t help but steal glances at Y/N, who was now leaning over the counter, her movements slow and deliberate.

You straightened up, catching Anton’s eye once more. She walked over to him, your smile innocent but your eyes twinkling with mischief. “Need any help in there?” she asked sweetly, standing just a bit too close. 

Anton took a deep breath, forcing a smile. “I think I’ve got it, thanks,” he said, trying to keep his tone casual.

As you reached for a bottle on the shelf next to Anton, you subtly grazed his side, your touch light and seemingly accidental but enough to send a shiver through Anton. He tensed, trying to remain composed as the playful gesture heightened the already charged atmosphere between them, 

“Sohee,” you called over your shoulder, your tone light and playful, “do we have enough glasses for the drinks?”

Sohee nodded, still focused on his own task. “Yeah, they should be in the cabinet above the sink.”

You turned back to Anton, giving him a final teasing smile before moving away to fetch the glasses. Anton exhaled slowly, his mind racing with thoughts of you and your playful antics. He knew the evening was only just beginning, and he had a feeling your teasing was far from over.

With Sohee bustling in the kitchen, organizing the drinks and setting out other necessities, you seized the opportunity to steak a moment alone with Anton. You flashes him a smile, a silent invitation to join you in a corner of the living room away from Sohee.

Anton hesitated for a moment, glancing over at Sohee to ensure he wouldn’t notice their brief absence. Then, unable to resist your playful allure, he followed you to the secluded corner. 

You leaned against the wall, your eyes glinting with mischief as you watched Anton approach. “Finally, some peace and quiet,” you murmured, your voice soft and inviting. 

Anton nodded, feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement. “Yeah, it’s been a little hectic in there,” he replied, his gaze fixed on you.

You took a step closer, your proximity sending a shiver down Anton’s spine. “I noticed you’ve been a bit distracted,”  you teased, your fingers lightly brushing his arm.

Anton swallowed hard, the touch of your fingers sending a wave of warmth through him. “It’s hard not to be,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

Your smile widened, pleased by his honesty. “Good to know I have that effect on you,” you said, your tone playful yet sincere. You leaned in, your lips just inches from his ear. “You know, you’re making it very hard for me to focus on anything else.”

Anton’s heart raced, the intimacy of the moment almost overwhelming. “You’re not making it easy for me either,” he confessed, his breath hitching. 

You chuckled softly, your breath warm against his skin. “Maybe that’s the point,” she whispered, your lips brushing against his ear ever so slightly.

"Imagine what else I could do if we were alone... just the two of us."

Before you could pull back, Anton’s hands were on you, unable to resist any longer. His fingers traced the curve of your waist, pulling you closer until there was no space between you. “You’re driving me crazy,” he murmured, his voice rough with desire.

You shivered at his touch, a pleased smile playing on your lips. “You can’t seem to take your hands off me, can you?” you teased, your tone light but your eyes dark with invitation. 

“Can you blame me?” Anton replied, his hands roaming over your back, pulling you even closer. “You look absolutely stunning tonight. I can’t resist touching you.”

“Good to know,” you whispered back, enjoying the way his touch sent waves of heat through you. “But we can’t stay hidden forever. Sohee will start wondering where we went.”

Anton was about to respond, to the close distance between you, when Sohee’s voice rang out from the kitchen.

"Hey, Anton! Can you give me a hand with these coolers? They're too heavy for me to lift alone."

Anton groaned inwardly, the moment shattered by the interruption. He pulled back reluctantly, glancing at you, who wore an amused expression. "Duty calls," you said with a wink, clearly enjoying the effect you had on him.

"Yeah, I'll be right there," Anton called back to Sohee, his voice tinged with frustration.

Moments later, you both joined Sohee in welcoming their friends, the atmosphere quickly filling with lively chatter and music. The front door swung open repeatedly as guests arrived, bringing with them bursts of laughter and clinking of bottles. Sohee, in his element, floated around the room and backyard, ensuring everyone had a drink and was having a good time. 

As the night progressed, you found yourself standing at the makeshift bard in the backyard. You leaned over to grab a pop from the lower shelf, your dress riding up slightly. Anton’s breath hitched instinctively reaching out to steady you, his fingers brushing against the exposed skin.

“You really can’t keep your hands off me, can you?” you whispered, a teasing smile playing on your lips as you straightened up, holding the can of pop.

Anton’s eyes darkened, his voice low as he replied, “You’re impossible to resist. I told you.”

Before you could respond, a group of friends approached them, breaking the intimate moment. You both plastered on friendly smiles, engaging in casual conversation, but the tension between you remained palpable.

As the party buzzed with energy, music thumped and laughter filled the air. Anton leaned in, whispering to you, “Wanna get out of here?”

You shared a smirk and began weaving your way through the crowd, aiming for upstairs. Just as you reached the stairs, Sohee, visibly tipsy, intercepted you, swaying slightly.

“Hey! Where are you two sneaking off to?” he asked, his words slurring a bit. “You aren’t leaving, are you?”

You and Anton exchanged a look, their escape thwarted. “Uh, just going to get more drinks. Looks like we’re running low,” you replied, trying to act natural.

Sohee grinned. “Perfect! That’s what I was going to ask you both to do. It’s like you read my mind.”

“Yeah, of course, Sohee,” Anton replied, chuckling. “Anything for you.”

Sohee beamed. “You guys are the best!” I’ll make sure the party doesn’t die while you’re gone.”

As the car hummed down the road, the city lights flickering past, Anton’s hand found its way to your thigh, tracing soft patterns with his fingertips. His touch sent a shiver of anticipation through you.

“Can’t believe Sohee actually sent us on a beer run,” you chuckled, stealing a glance at Anton.

He smirked, his eyes glinting in the dim light. “Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.” His hand slid higher, a teasing warmth spreading through your body. 

You bit your lip, feeling the heat rise within you. “You think you can keep your hands to yourself?” you teased.

Anton leaned closer, his voice low and filled with a playful challenge. “Why would I want to, when you look so good?” His warm breath brushed against your ear, sending tingles down your spine.

You laughed softly, but then gleamed at the road ahead. “Hey, pay attention to the road,” you teased, your voice mock-serious.

Anton chuckled, his hand still gently exploring. “Don’t worry,” he said confidently, his tone cocky and flirty. “I’ve got my hands–and eyes–right where they need to be.”

The car pulled up to the liquor store, and you both hopped out to grab the beers Sohee had requested, along with other beverages. The task was simple enough, but the tension between you both was high.

As he drove, the tension between you both grew undeniable. Anton glanced at you, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You know,” he said, his voice low and suggestive, “we have a bit of time before we head back.”

“Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” you asked, your voice laced with a mixture of curiosity and excitement.

Without answering, Anton turned down a quiet, secluded road, pulling over in a spot hidden by trees. He killed the engine and looked at Y/N with a smirk. “Why don’t we take a little detour?” 

You grinned, heart pounding with anticipation. “Lead the way,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper, already intoxicated by the daring excitement of what was to come.

Anton flashed a wicked smile and opened his door, stepping out of the driver's seat. He moved around the car, opening the back door and gesturing for you to join him. “Get in the backseat,” he suggested, his tone a mix of command and invitation.

As they settled into the backseat, Anton’s lips captured yours, the kiss deepening as his hands roamed eagerly. He traced up your sides, fingers brushing your skin, sending shivers down your spine.

Your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer, your breaths mingling in the confined space. Anton’s hands explored your curves, sliding beneath your dress, his touch warm and urgent.

He felt you shiver as his hand ventured higher, fingers tracing the soft fabric of your panties. “You’re so wet for me,” he whispered, a satisfied grin spreading across his face.

You gasped, your body responding to his touch, the sensation intoxicating. Anton’s fingers pressed lightly over you, feeling the heat radiating, his own desire intensifying.

“You like this, don’t you?” he murmured, his voice low and husky, lips brushing against your ear. The thrill of their secret moment, hidden away from the world, only heightened their connection.

You whimpered softly, your breath hitching as Anton’s fingers continued their tantalizing exploration. Emboldened by your response, he kissed a trail down your neck, his lips trailing lower with each tender caress. He knelt between your legs, his gaze locked with yours, filled with hunger.

"Anton…" you breathed out as his palms found their way upwards. "We should go back," you said, feeling a mix of urgency and desire.

"We should," he agreed, though his hands showed no intention of stopping. His fingers teased your skin, drawing you closer.

"We need to get back," you insisted, a teasing glint in your eyes.

"Then let's stop," Anton suggested, his lips brushing against yours.

"You first," you challenged, a playful smile on your lips.

"I can't," he admitted, his voice low and filled with need.

"Then let's finish," you replied, surrendering to the heated moment. Your lips met his once more, lost in the intensity of your connection. The urgency of the world outside faded into oblivion as you both gave in to the passionate, stolen moments in the backseat of the car.

Anton’s mouth found your inner thigh, his tongue tracing a path of fire along your skin. Your fingers threaded through his hair, urging him closer as he teased you, building tension to an unbearable peak. When his lips finally met your core, it was like an electric shock, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

His touch was expert, each movement deliberate and intoxicating. Your breath hitched with each flick of his tongue, the gentle sucking on your clit sending tremors of delight through your ent9ire being. He alternated between soft, teasing licks and firmer strokes, each one eliciting a gasp or maon from your lips. The sensations were almost too much, your body arching towards him, seeking more of that friction.

“Anton, please,” you gasped, your voice barely a whisper as the pleasure built inside you.

“Tell me what you want,” he hummed against your skin, his breath hot and tantalizing. 

“Don’t stop,” you pleaded, your fingers tightening in his hair. “Please, don’t stop.”

Anton’s hands gripped your hips, holding you in place as he continued his ministrations. His tongue moved with a rhythm that drove you wild. His mouth was warm and insistent, every movement designed just for you, to bring you over the edge. 

“You taste so good,” he growled softly, his voice sending another shiver down your spine.

His lips wrapped around your clit, gently sucking and then releasing, only to repeat the motion. You felt your muscles tighten in anticipation, the coil inside you winding tighter and tighter.

“Oh, god, Anton,” you moaned, your hips bucking against his mouth. “I’m so close…”

He paused for a moment, his breath hot against your wet skin, before diving back down with renewed vigor. His tongue pressed firmly against your clit, moving in slow, deliberate circles, causing your toes to curl.

Your fingers tightened in his hair, your breaths coming in short, ragged gasps. You could feel the edge of release approaching, your body tensing as your high was nearing. Anton sensed this, his hands sliding up your thighs to hold you even closer, his tongue working you relentlessly. 

Anton flicked his tongue rapidly against your clit and then sucked your clit hard, the coil inside you snapped. You cry out Anton’s name with ecstasy, your body trembling with the intensity. Anton continued to work you through your high, his mouth never leaving your core. 

He didn't stop until he had drawn out every last shiver and moan from you, his tongue soothing and gentle now, easing you down from the heights of pleasure. When you finally collapsed back against the seat, spent and breathless, Anton kissed his way back up your body, his eyes dark with desire and a hint of satisfaction.

Anton’s eyes sparkled with anticipation as you pushed him gently against the seat. You kissed your way down his neck, your lips trailing along his collarbone and chest. 

“Y/N,” he breathed, his voice a husky growl. “What are you doing?”

You smiled against his skin, your hands moving to unbutton his jeans. ‘Giving you what you deserve,” you replied, your voice low and seductive.

“We should go back now,” he said, but his voice lacked conviction, his body already responding to your touch.

You slid his jeans down, your fingers tracing the hard outline of his arousal through his boxers. Anton’s breath quickened, his eyes never leaving yours. 

With a hunger that matched his own, you lowered yourself between his legs, your lips brushing against his inner thigh. Anton’s sharp intake of breath spurred you on, your mouth finding him eagerly. You started with soft, teasing kisses along his length, your tongue darting out to taste him,

“God, Y/N,” he groaned, his hands now tangling in your hair.

You looked up at him, eyes full of mischief. “That’s the idea,” you said, before taking him fully into your mouth. Your tongue danced along his member, teasing and tasting him as you worked him to the same completion he did to you moments before. 

Anton’s grip on the seat tightened as he surrendered to the pleasure you gave him. He whispered words of encouragement to you as you continued your attack. You increased your pace, your movements becoming more fervent as you felt him growing harder against your tongue. His hips bucked slightly, matching your rhythm, and you knew he was close.

“Y/N,” he gasped, his voice strained with need. “I’m so close, I’m about to come…”

You only redoubled your efforts, taking him deeper, your tongue swirling around the sensitive tip before descending again. With a final stroke, you felt him reach his high, his release filling your mouth as he groaned your name. You swallowed, taking every last bit, your eyes locked. 

As you pulled back, you stuck your tongue out to show Anton you had swallowed every last bit. The sight alone made him lose it, his breath hitching as he stared at you with a dazed look. 

“God,” is all he managed to breathe out. 

Anton pulled you into a lingering kiss before leaning back with a satisfied sigh. “We should probably get back,” he said, his voice low. 

You smiled, your body still humming from the intensity of your shared moment. “Yeah, before Sohee starts wondering where we are.”

With a reluctant sigh, you both fixed your clothes and climbed back into the front seats. The car hummed to life, and as you drove back to the party, the tension between you and Anton was replaced with comfortable silence. The intimacy of your recent encounter still lingering in the air. 

As the car approached the party, the sound of music and laughter grew louder. You could see the house lit up, people milling about in the front yard, holding drinks and talking animatedly. Anton parked the car and turned to you, a soft smile playing on his lips.

Stepping out of the car, you both grabbed the bags of drinks and headed towards the house. The moment you walked in, you were greeted by a way more drunk Sohee, his eyes widening with relief and excitement.

"There you are!" he exclaimed, stumbling slightly as he approached you. "I was starting to think you guys got lost or something."

Anton chuckled, handing Sohee a bag of drinks. "Just had a little detour. But we got everything you asked for."

Sohee swayed a bit, peering into the bag with a grin. “Perfect! You guys are lifesavers.” He reached out to pat Anton on the shoulder but paused, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Hey, uh, Anton…your fly is down.”

Anton quickly looked down, his cheeks reddening slightly as he zipped up. “Oops, must’ve been in a hurry. We stopped to use the bathroom,” he said with a casual laugh.

Sohee then turned his attention to you, his gaze lingering on  your slightly tousled hair. “And Y/N, your hair is looking a mess.”

You felt your cheeks flush as you quickly tried to smooth your hair. “Yeah, the wind was crazy out there.”

Sohee laughed, giving you a playful shove. “Sure, sure. You might want to keep that under control unless you want to scare everyone away.”

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t smile at how even drunk Sohee still tries to bully you. “Thanks for the advice, dick.”

He raised an eyebrow, a hint of suspicion in his gaze, but he was too far gone to dwell on it. “Well, as long as you’re back with the drinks. Let’s keep this party going!”

He grabbed a beer from the bag and cracked it open, raising it in a toast. “ To the best beer runners ever!”

You and Anton exchanged a look of relief, clinking your bottles together before taking a sip. The party continued in full swing, the music thumping and laughter filling the air. Sohee, now distracted by other friends, quickly forgot his earlier suspicions, and you and Anton were able to blend back into the lively atmosphere, the thrill of your secret adding an extra spark to the night.

Anton found himself with his friends Wonbin and Eunseok, their group gathered in the kitchen with bottles in hand. The conversation flowed easily, punctuated by bursts of laughter and the occasional teasing remark. Anton glanced outside where you were sitting with your friends Karina and Ningning at a small table, a bit away from the main crowd. You looked radiant, your laughter infectious as you animatedly chatted with the girls. 

Karina nudged you playfully, her eyes twinkling with curiosity. “You and Anton seem awfully close tonight,” she remarked, her tone teasing. 

You shrugged nonchalantly, though your cheeks warmed at the comment. “He’s just my best friend, and you know that,” you replied, taking a sip of your drink to hide your smile.

Ningning leaned in, her voice a conspiratorial whisper. “You two would make a cute couple, you know.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “It’s not like that,” you insisted, but the words felt less convincing even to your own ears. Your gaze drifted back to Anton, who was now engrossed in a story Eunseok  was telling, his smile bright and genuine. 

You stumble upstairs, a little tipsy but still steady enough to navigate the familiar path to your room. Closing the door behind you, you kick off your shoes and collapse onto your bed, the soft fabric of your sundress bunching up around your thighs. Grinning to yourself, you pull out your phone and open a new message to Anton.

y/n: hey handsome ;)

You giggle to yourself, hitting send. It doesn’t take long for your phone to buzz with a response.

Anton: Hey, where’d you go?

y/n: upstairs. needed a break from the noise. u should come join meeee

You bite your lip, your fingers dancing over the keyboard as you continue

y/n: im all alone…in bed…and it’s kind of boring without u

You know Anton is still downstairs with his friends, and the thought of him trying to hide his phone to read your messages makes you giggle. Your phone buzzes again.

Anton: I’m with the guys, I can’t just leave like that

y/n: why not? im more fun than them

You can almost imagine him trying to keep a straight face while reading your texts. Deciding to take it up a notch, you reach for the hem of your dress, hiking it up just enough to reveal your bare skin. Angling the phone just right, you snap a photo and send it to him. 

y/n: see? im not even wearing panties…

A thrill runs through you as you hit send, and you wait, heart pounding, for his response. This time, it takes a bit longer for his reply to come through.

Anton: Holy shit, Y/N. You’re killing me

y/n: u know what would be even better? u… up here with me

You start again, feeling more bold.

y/n: yeah im just laying here, thinking about u…touching myself

Your phone buzzes almost immediately.

Anton: You are so hot, oh my god…

You grin, knowing you’ve got him right where you want him.

y/n: come on, anton. don’t you want to see what you’re missing ;)

You lie back, anticipation building as you wait for his next move. Downstairs, Anton is struggling to keep his composure, sneaking glances at his phone while his friends are oblivious to his distraction. You can almost feel his tension, his desire to be up there with you instead of stuck trying to act normal.

Finally, his next message comes through. 

Anton: Give me 5 minutes

You smile, your heart racing with excitement. You know that in a few minutes, Anton will be there, and the night is going to take another exhilarating turn. But you decide to push him a little further. Propping yourself up on one elbow, you adjust your dress, pulling it up higher to reveal more. With a sultry look, you take another photo, making sure it captures the curve of your body and the suggestive hint of your touch.

y/n: hurry up…i’m getting impatient

You hit send, your heart racing as you imagine Anton’s reaction. The seconds tick by slowly, each one heightening your excitement. You can almost picture him trying to discreetly look at his phone, his friends none the wiser. 

Your phone buzzes again.

Anton: Damn, Y/N…you’re making this really hard to stay down here.

You bite your lip, feeling a rush of satisfaction.

y/n: just imagine how good it will feel to be up here with me…

The thrill of knowing he’s about to sneak away just for you is intoxicating. You send one final message, wanting to make sure he can’t resist.

y/n: just think about me… laying her, so wet and ready for you…

Another photo follows, this one even more revealing, leaving little to the imagination.

Anton: I’m on my way. 

You hear the creak of the stairs, each step bringing Anton closer. Your heart pounds in your chest, and you quickly check your appearance one last time. The door handle turns, and Anton slips into the room, closing and locking the door quietly behind him.

He stands there for a moment, taking in the sight of you sprawled on the bed, your dress hiked up, one hand resting on your inner thigh. His eyes darken with desire, and he walks over, his presence sending shivers down your spine. 

You start to pull your hand away, but he stops you with a firm but gentle command. “Don’t stop. Keep going.”

Your breath catches in your throat, and you nod shyly, resuming your slow, teasing strokes. His eyes never leave you, his intense gaze making your movements feel even more intimate. You feel your body reacting to his attention, every touch amplified by his look. 

Anton sits on the edge of the bed, close enough to reach out and touch you but holding back. His restraint only heightens your arousal, and you let out a soft moan, your fingers working urgently. 

“Anton..” you breathe, your voice trembling already with need. “Please…I want you.”

He leans in closer, his breath hot against your skin. “Not yet,” he murmurs, his voice a husky whisper. “I want to watch you a little longer.”

You whimper, your body aching for his touch, but you obey, for fingers continuing to play with your clit. His gaze is almost tangible, the heat in his eyes making you feel more exposed than ever. 

“Please, Anton,” you beg, your voice breaking with desperation. “I need you to touch me.”

His hand covers yours, guiding your movements. The contact sends a jolt of electricity through you, and you gasp, your body arching towards him. He watches you intently, his own arousal evident. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, his lips brushing against your ear. “But I want to hear you beg for it.”

“Please,” you moan, your voice raw with desire. “I need you. I need to feel you inside me.”

He pulls back slightly, he eyes locking onto yours with a fierce intensity. “Not yet,” he says firmly. “I want you to make yourself cum first. Show me what you do when I’m not around to help you.” Your eyes widen, and a shiver runs through you. “But Anton,” you whisper,  your voice giving out on you. “I- I can’t… I need you…”

“You can,” he insists, his voice a low growl. “Show me how badly you want it.”

You hesitate for a moment, your body aching for him. But the command in his voice is undeniable. You slide your hand back down, resuming the slow, tortuous strokes, your eyes locked on his. His gaze never wavers, watching every movement, every reaction.

To increase the sensation, you move your free hand up to your breasts, fingers grazing over your nipples. You pinch and tease them, gasping at the added pleasure. The dual actions overwhelm you, and you close your eyes, losing yourself in the feeling.

The sensation builds quickly, your own touch suddenly feeling more intense under his watchful eyes. Your breath comes in ragged gasps, your hips lifting off the bed as you chase your release. 

“Anton…please…” you moan, your body trembling.

“Keep going,” he murmurs, his voice like velvet. “Show me how much you want it.”

The words push you over the edge, your body tensing as the orgasm crashes over you. You cry out, your entire body shuddering with the force of it. 

As you come down from the high, Anton finally moves, his hands replacing yours, his touch sending aftershocks through your oversensitive skin. You notice his hand moving more deliberately over himself, his arousal palpable. 

He stands up, unbuttoning his jeans, his movements slow and knowing. You watch, your eyes fill with a mix of satisfaction and renewed desire as he finally starts to touch himself openly. But even now, his focus still remains on you, his eyes locked on yours as he begins to stroke himself, his breath coming in short gasps.

“You like watching me, don’t you,” he murmurs, his voice thick with lust. 

“Yes,” you whisper, your body still trembling from your release. “But I want to do more than just watch. Let me touch you.”

He shakes his head slowly, a teasing smile playing on his lips. “Not yet,” he says, his voice a tantalizing whisper. “You can look, but no touching.”

You whimper at his words, your core aching with renewed need as you watch him begin to pleasure himself. His movements are skilled and with purpose. His eyes locked onto yours as he slowly stroked himself, edging closer and closer to release. 

“Please, Anton,” you beg, your voice breaking. “I need you inside me. I need to feel you.”

He groans, his breath hitching as he slows his strokes, teasing himself. “Not yet,” he whispers, his voice strained. “I want to see you beg for it.”

“Anton,” you moan, your body trembling with desire. “I can’t take it anymore. Please… I need you.”

His eyes darkened with lust, and he moved closer, his hand still working over himself. “Keep begging,” he murmurs, his voice a low growl. “I want to hear how much you want it.”

“Please, Anton,” you cry out, your body arching towards him. “I need you so badly. I can’t stand it. Please…”

His eyes flash with satisfaction, and he finally gives in, positioning himself over you. He leans down, capturing your lips in a hungry kiss, his tongue teasing yours. You can taste the desire on his lips, feel it in the way his hands roam your body.

“You’re so perfect,” he whispers against your mouth, his voice thick with need. He pulls back just enough to align himself with you, the anticipation making you tremble. His eyes lock onto yours, holding your gaze as he slowly pushes inside, stretching and filling you in a way that makes you cry out.

Your nails dig into his back, your body arching against his. “Anton,” you gasp, your voice a mix of relief and overwhelming pleasure. “Oh god, yes!”

He moves with a deliberate, unhurried pace, each thrust deep and measured. His eyes never leave yours, the connection between you intensifying the sensations coursing through your body. You cling to him, every thrust driving you closer to the edge. 

“I want to feel you come again,” he murmurs, his breath hot against your ear. “I want to feel you tighten around me.”

The command in his voice sends a thrill through you, and you can feel the pressure building once more. Your moans become more urgent, your body responding eagerly to his every touch. His pace quickens, his own restraint slipping as he nears his own release. 

“Anton,” you cry out, your body shuddering with the force of your climax. He groans, the sound vibrating through you as he finally lets go, his release triggering another wave of pleasure for you.

He collapses on top of you, both of you breathing heavily, your bodies tangled together. After a moment, he lifts his head, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. 

“I don’t ever want to let you go,” he whispers, his voice filled with awe.

You smile, your heart swelling with emotion. “I don’t want you to,” you reply softly, running your fingers through his hair. “I want this. I want you.”

He holds you tighter, his lips finding yours once more in a tender, lingering kiss. “Then you have me,” he says, his eyes filled with promise. “Always.”

[pastelavender88]

Sinbound- Chapter 11

Summary: It’s been a month since the events of the last chapter: Eddie and Buck are on the outs and Buck’s family is back in town; Something major happens to Y/n.

Warning: Talks of miscarriage.

Series Masterlist

It’s been a month since Eddie and I broke up. It was touch and go for a while. The night of the breakup I asked for 2 hours. It doesn’t take 2 hours to basically pick up your whole life. Alex and I took all our clothes and toiletries but we still had to come back and get the rest of our things. I decided it would be best to leave all the baby’s stuff there, but excluding that I still had a ton of things. Bobby and Athena served as the buffer between Eddie and I. Athena would text me to tell me that Bobby told her Eddie and Christopher would be out of the house from 12-4 pm and stuff like that. Eddie and I still haven’t spoken since that night even though he tried. He gave me a good 2 days before he was blowing up my cell and trying to talk and work things out, but I was serious when I meant Eddie and I were done. The betrayal still keeps me awake at night if I let my mind wander enough and the events starting on the night in question and the big blow up play in my head like a movie. Alex and I moved in with Buck for the time being while I figured out the next step in our lives. Buck was more than happy to welcome us and he’s been accommodating in any way he can. He’s been going with me to my doctor appointments, driving me around a lot since I’ve gotten a little bigger and lazier to do it myself, and even taking a parenting class with me. Even though I had Alex already a lot of things have changed in the last 12 years.  Speaking of all the things Buck is doing for me, Eddie is quite pissed at him because of it. Also, the fact that Buck is the one that told me about Eddie’s infidelity. So everything has been quite an adjustment. It was morning and Buck was off today so that meant family breakfast. Which was really more me cooking whatever I was craving and everyone being too lazy to complain or make anything else. Today was chicken, waffles, spicy syrup, bacon, eggs, and french toast. (Don’t judge but I craved this my whole pregnancy.) Buck came down from the room and sat at the table. The reason I call it the room is because technically it’s both Buck and I’s room. See Buck only has two rooms in his loft but the other room is Alex’s and it’s not exactly big enough to share. So Buck and I share the room in the sense that both of our things are there like clothes, shoes, jewelry, little things like that. Buck did buy a couch though, so that way he has something to sleep on. Right now Buck was trying to convince me to go with him and Alex to pick up his parents later. “They would love to see you. I mean it’s been over a year since they last saw you.” “Yeah and since then I got knocked up and then left a single mom. Again.” “True, but you look really cute pregnant and they haven’t seen this glow.” He said, as he pointed his fork at me. “That may be the case but seriously I’m not up for that yet.” Buck could tell my mood was becoming somber, so he let it go. “Alright. Did I tell you guys what happened yesterday at work? Some guy’s kids buried him in the sand and splashed water on him when a freak flash of lightning hit and turned the sand into glass. It was insane.” “Buck I’m trying to eat.” “Mom, that's actually really cool and mother nature at work. What did that guy say in that really old dinosaur movie ‘life always finds a way’. Life is science.” “Did she just call Jurassic Park a really old movie?” I asked Buck. I turned to Alex. “That movie came out the year I was born for your info.” “How do you think I feel? I’m older than you by two years.” Buck joked. The conversation kept flowing from there and eventually it was time to clean up and start the day. Since the break up with Eddie I haven’t really been writing much so my day usually centers around Buck and Alex. I felt like a 50’s housewife. After making sure everyone had everything they needed for their day I would tidy the house, wash dishes, do laundry. It was a feminist nightmare but I was so numb I didn’t really care. I’ve been seeing a therapist but it didn’t help as much as I thought it would. Most people describe therapy as this life-altering interaction but for me it felt like when you were called to the guidance counselor in school about bullying or something. Like I was put on the spot. Don’t get me wrong there was improvement but I just didn’t feel satisfied or “fixed” in a sense. We dived into my relationship issues a lot and I understand what Eddie was saying. The “relationship” that Buck and I had while Eddie and I were still together was emotional cheating, which proved my point. We were bad for each other. Eddie and I both rushed into this relationship after commitment issues on both sides, so we were destined for doom. Either way the pain inside of me from his affair with Ana wasn’t going away because I know that what I did didn’t warrant that. Instead of breaking it off or establishing clear boundaries, Eddie decided that cheating was the best route. So here I am feeling like less than a person over a toxic relationship we both should have some coming to an end. Buck’s POV Since Y/n didn’t want to come with me I was forced to suffer with my parents alone. It was worth it since Albert was there. “Uh, Albert, hey, check this out.” I showed Albert Y/n’s ultrasound picture. It was so cool to be a part of this process and I couldn’t help but show it off. “You brought more than takeout.” Albert replied, “Well, uh, Chimney didn't tell you?” “Yeah, that I've been gone less than a year and you're a father again? No.” God I hope my parents didn’t hear that. “Uh, no, not-not exactly.” “But that's a…” Albert started. “Baby. Buck...?” My mom was suddenly standing behind me. “Is there something you need to tell us? You're gonna be an uncle again!” My mom shouted as she jumped to conclusions. “Phillip! Maddie and Howard are gonna have another baby!” My mom yelled as she went to hug Chimney. “What?” Chim asked, confused. “That's fantastic! I had a feeling when you bought this house.” My dad replied. “I mean, it's a little soon to be pregnant again, but... Why not?!” Mom said. “This is very good news, Howard. Why didn't you tell us sooner? “ Chimney’s stepmom asked. “Uh, guys... Guys, we're... not pregnant.” He said. “You're not?” Mom asked. “No.” “Then who is?” Mom asked as she turned to me. “That’s what I was trying to say. Y/n is pregnant again. It’s a girl.” “You and Y/n are having another baby?” My dad asked. “No, mom is having a baby with Eddie.” Throughout all the confusion, everyone forgot Alex was sitting at the table on her tablet. “But, they're not together anymore so we're living with dad.” “Okay, let’s not deepdive into it. Give your mom some privacy.” When we got home it was time for a talk about privacy. “So Y/n and living with you while she’s pregnant with another man’s baby?” My dad asked. “And you’re going to help raise the baby?” “It's not like that. We’re not together, I’m just helping her while she figures a few things out. Also, if she wants of course I’ll help raise the baby but we haven’t thought that far ahead. We’re taking things day-by-day.” The way everyone except Maddie, Chimney, and Alex were looking at me I could tell they had a lot to say. “I think it's…” My mom started. “Here we go. “ I knew I was about to get an earful. “Great.” She finished. That shocked me. “Uh, yeah?” “You’re a wonderful father to Alex and I know if you need to be you’ll be a wonderful father to this little girl as well.” Dad replied. “Not only are you a good father but you’re a good man.” My mom said as she stepped towards me for a hug. I wrapped my arms around her. “Here. Dad, you want to see?” I said showing him the sonogram “Oh, absolutely.”  He said as he took the phone from me. “Phillip. You are going to allow this?” Howie’s dad asked. “It's not really for me to allow.” Dad replied. “A man cannot raise a child fathered by another man, it's unnatural.” Howie’s father reiterated. “Says the expert in child-rearing, huh? I would think you would relate to Buck's decision. Father them and let someone else raise them.” “Howie.” Albert explained. “Whoa, Chim. It's-it's okay.” I said. “A man who cannot control his family is not a man.” Howie’s dad added to already building tension. “Maybe a man who's too controlling forces his sons to hide from him in another country.” My dad fired back. “Okay, easy. Come on, Dad.” I said. “Children need to learn that actions have consequences.” “I'm sorry, but how is any of this your business?” my mom asked Howie’s dad. “He did announce it to everyone.” Albert’s mom said. ‘Well, that wasn't exactly my choice.” I said, making it clear. “It was a bad choice.” “My dad helping out my mom wasn’t a bad choice, you’re just mean.” Alex called out. “Alex. Honey, you can not talk to adults like that.” “See this is exactly what I am talking about. Your child has no manners and you plan to raise another?” “Oh, that's rich.” My dad replied yet again, kicking everything off. Everyone started to argue until due to a storm the lights went out.   “Buck, grab some candles, we got the doors”. Howie called me. As mom played with Jee and Alex, Maddie and I talked. “I think maybe Albert was right.” I said to Maddie. “Oh, I wouldn't say that out loud.” “Ever think about what it might've been like...?” “What?” “If Daniel had lived.” I asked her. “Yeah, sometimes.” “You?” Just then the lights came back on and everyone was relieved. “I think it would've been just like this.” Y/n’s POV (Think of this happening at the same time as Buck’s) I was sitting on the couch after cleaning when I heard a knock on the door. “Did you forget your key or something Buck?” I swung open the door and there stood Eddie. I crossed my arms and clenched my fists tight. The nerve he had to show up here. “What are you doing here Eddie?” “I’m here to talk to you. You haven’t spoken to me in a month. At least not without a third party being involved. I haven’t gone to any of your appointments since then.” “You barely went before so what’s the difference?” “Y/n, how long are we going to do this? Huh? Are we gonna be those parents that drag their kids through hell?” “Don’t do that. I can’t do this right now.” “So when are we going to do this? Talk things out?” “I don’t know Eddie. It’s only been a month.” “We need to talk about this.” “No. I need time. Time away from you. I’ll tell you when I’m ready to talk to you.” I went to shut the door on Eddie but he put his hand there to stop it. “I miss you Y/n. Christopher missed you.” “I miss Christopher too. He’s more than welcome over here, because you’re pissed with Buck you won’t let him over here.” Eddie was quiet. “Eddie, I want to move forward but I need to do it at my own pace. The way you’re behaving isn’t helping.  I mean I feel like you aren’t even sorry.” “I am sorry. I will always be sorry for what I did. Not only because I hurt you but because I destroyed everything we built when I did it. I’m so sorry Y/n.” “I hear you Eddie I do, but I still need time. Okay?” “Alright. I’ll go. I love you y/n.” I still loved Eddie but I didn’t know if I was in love with him anymore. “Goodbye, Eddie.” Time went on and eventually Buck came home. “Hey, where’s Alex?” “She’s spending the night at Maddie and Chim’s house.” “I thought the house wasn’t done and what clothes is she going to wear?” “Our daughter is a sneaky one. She put her clothes in my truck along with a sleeping bag. How am I supposed to say no to that?” “I’m sure it’s really easy but she’s got you wrapped around her finger.” “Yeah, she does.” Buck came and sat down beside me on the couch. “So it’s just the two of us tonight, what are we doing? “I was thinking of doing something a little risky…” “Oh really?” “Oh yeah.” “How risky we talking?” “Oh you know, I’m gonna change and slip into something a little more comfortable, and then…” “Then what?” “We’re gonna eat so much ice cream our guts explode and watch trashy reality tv.” “Now that’s what I’m talking about.” Buck said. We’d always had that joking relationship that could be borderline sexual but now that we actually live together the sexual part was definitely a no-no. “I’ll be back.” I went upstairs to change. “What kind of ice cream we doing tonight, Rocky road or fudge?” “Ooh, let’s do a rocky road tonight.” I started to change when I felt a warm sensation in my pants. I looked down at my now ruined pants and noticed blood. I carefully rushed down the stairs. Buck was facing away from me but heard me come down the stairs. “You changed already, that was fast.” He turned around and saw my expression. “What’s the matter?” “I’m bleeding.” I could tell Buck wasn’t catching on to what I was saying. “Like down there.” Buck became a panicked nervous mess. “Oh my god! Okay. Let me grab my shoes and my keys and we’ll throw you in the car.” Before I could say anything he darted off. He looked around the front door and then made his way into the living room. “Where are my shoes? Where are my keys?” “Buck calm down. Your keys are on the hook and your shoes are in the room. I’m gonna put on a pad and change, while I’m doing that, call Dr.Manning.” “Alright.” I went into the room changed and put on a pad in case of more bleeding. When I came back down, Buck was waiting on me. “Dr.Manning is going to meet us at the hospital.” “Okay.” We made our way downstairs and got into the car when I realized I forgot to call Eddie. I went to reach my phone and couldn’t find it. “Buck, can you call Eddie? I left my phone inside the loft.” “Yeah of course.” Buck called Eddie but it went straight to voicemail. “Hey Eddie, I’m taking Y/n to the hospital to see Dr.Manning. Call me back when you get this,” He hung up and turned towards me. “Are you okay? Are you in pain?” “No, I'm doing okay, just the bleeding.” I was trying to keep a leveled head but my mind was racing. It was going to places I didn’t want it to go. “You know when I was pregnant with Alex I had a scare kind of like this. I was in the hospital for 2 days. They said her heart rate was low and there was a chance I could lose her. What if I lose this baby Buck?” My tears were threatening to spill from my eyes. Buck grabbed my hand and caressed it.“Don’t think like that. We’re going to see Dr.Manning and she’s going to tell us that that beautiful baby girl of yours is okay and whatever is happening is probably normal, okay?” “Okay. Thanks Buck.” “Of course.” He said as he kissed my hand. Buck and I arrived at the hospital where Dr.Manning was waiting. She ushered us into the ultrasound room and began to take a sonogram. “Okay, let’s take a look.” She moved the wand around and I saw how she squinted at the screen. “Here’s the baby right here. Let’s hear this heartbeat.” She moved over and I heard her heartbeat. It sounded good or at least I think. “That’s a strong and healthy heart beat right there.” I let out a relieved breath. She moved the wand around more until she stopped at this big blob. “Okay, here’s the problem. You’re suffering from Placenta previa. It’s when the placenta completely or partially covers the opening of the uterus. How bad was the bleeding?” “If I was on my period I would say it’s a light flow.” “And are you still bleeding now.” “No, I don't feel anything.” “I’m gonna keep you here for the rest of the night and monitor everything. In the morning I’ll let you know whether or not you’ll be discharged. Let me just say since it’s your second child it’s more than likely gonna resolve itself. What’s your birthing plan?” “I planned on doing a vaginal birth.” “Okay. We’re going to do more appointments than usual and if this resolves itself we can go ahead with that plan. If not we’re going to have to do a c-section delivery. Okay?” “Alright.” “Dad is more than welcome to stay if he would like. I’m going to make sure a room is prepared and ready for you. Let me know if you need anything.” I didn’t feel like correcting her about Buck in any way. “Okay.” She departed the room and Buck and I sat there almost as if we were waiting on the other person to say something first.” “Do you want me to stay with you?” Buck said, breaking the silence. “Only if you’d like to.” “Of course I would. Do you want me to go home and get anything?” “No I’m okay. It’s just for the night right?” “Right.” Soon a nurse came and brought us to the room we would be staying in for the night and we got comfortable. Sometime throughout the night the anxiety left me and before I knew it I was asleep. I was awoken by a nurse and Dr. Manning coming in. Buck was already awake. “Good morning. How are you feeling?” “I’m fine. Just nervous to be honest.” “Well I have good news, we found nothing concerning while monitoring you over night so that means you can go home. We’ll be having more frequent visits but I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.” “That’s great thanks doc.” Buck replied. “Just doing my job, but this does mean a few things. No moderate or strenuous exercise, heavy lifting, standing for long periods of time and sadly no sexual intercourse or sexual activity that could lead to orgasm. At least until the baby is born.” I wanted to dig a hole so deep and crawl in it. “Any followup questions?” “Nope, I’m good. You got any, Y/n?” Buck replied with a grin. “She’s covered everything. Thanks, we’ll be out of your hair now.” Dr. Manning said her goodbyes to us, leaving alone to brew in the awkwardness. “No sex until the baby gets here. Well I guess there’s no point in you living with me anymore.” I believe that was Buck’s bad attempt at a joke. “Haha, so funny. Besides it’s mostly if the issue doesn’t resolve itself I think.” I don’t know why I answered like it was a serious possibility. “Let’s go. I’m hungry.” I quickly made my way out of the room in order to avoid talking about this any further.

[bxngthedoldrums]

a petekey reading of so much (for) stardust

aka you knew i'd do this aka i didnt take four literature classes in college for nothing aka make sure your tinfoil hat is SECURED to your noggin aka dear lord forgive me for committing sins of petekey in the year of 2023

look. i have to do this or i don't deserve this blog. amen

~ love from the other side

okay. yea, immediately the "you were the sunshine of my lifetime" thing is sort of sus, because we all know pete wentz and anytime sun or summer is involved it's Something. this is solidified in "summer falling through our fingers again" in verse 2, but it's interesting that he uses "ours" in this lyric bc i feel like recently most of pete's summer lyrics have been pretty self-inflicted. it's impossible to not note the whole "inscribed like stone and faded by the rain" in the bridge v. "the tombstones were waiting" line in bang the doldrums. i shant even elaborate u can pick up what i'm laying down!

~ heartbreak feels so good

i think this song is pretty light on petekey imagery but "light from a screen of messages unsent" kinda reminds me of "some nights it gets so bad i almost pick up the phone" in ginasfs but i could be reaching for Sure. let's be real that's all i do

~ hold me like a grudge

honestly i think this is one of the worst petekey offenders on the album. this one had me gawking at my screen as i read the lyrics. "thaw out my freezer burn feelings for twenty summers" ??? be SERIOUS pete... "part-time soulmate, full-time problem" yeah I GET IT I GET IT !!! the whole thing reeks of 2005 summertime fling

~ fake out

"do you laugh about me whenever i leave?" bonkers ass line,,this reminds me of pete's lj writing in those years after 2005,,,"my mood board is just pictures of you, but i'm not sad anymore" YEAH. this is SO pete holy fuck. that classic wentz obsession,,"we did for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never gonna change" this line's got me on the fuckin FLOOR. also classic pete!!! his perchance for nostalgia is just insane and he really feels it huh

~ heaven, iowa

i dont even know how to get into this one. "kiss my cheek, baby, please/would you read my eulogy?" SICK and TWISTED evil!!! evil!!! "i will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me" jesus h christ the melancholy is off the charts but holy fuck this song is so,,,tender? i dont know wht to say but i know this was written w summer of love intention. i know this in my heart. "scar-crossed lovers, forever" OKAY I KNOW !!! this song is DEVASTATING verse 2 is fucked UP and the bridge is too!!! "closed my eyes inside your darkness and found your glow"???? i cantr og on

~ so good right now

i can't really discern any particularly petekey lyrics in this one right away but the whole "i cut myself down to be whatever you need me to be" is pretty fucking wild

~ i am my own muse

there's some really sad lyrics in this one ab the whole future-not-going-as-planned thing that comes up so frequently in pete's writing but honestly the whole "let's twist the knife again, twist the knife again like we did last summer" thing made my head explode. every lover's got a lil dagger in their hands!!!

~ flu game

im not gonna sit here and type out ths whole fucking song but oh my GOD bro. this song to me is a really nice callback to pete's older style of lyricism but that comes with the self-deprecation and all the other really sad shit. it's beautiful! it's horrible! i love it!!! its about mikey i cant even pul out a few lyrics just LISTEN

~ baby annihilation

another fucked up one that literally anyone else in fob should have vetoed but OKAY?? "time is luck and i wish ours overlapped more or for longer" MAN SHUT UP. "self sabotage at best, under your spell/but you know what they say, if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself" ..........dude. if you're like me and you've poured over pete's oooold lj posts from the mid 2000s you already get it, but if you havent,,,go do it and get back to me bc this is TOO MUHC im unwell. "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" i think i hauve covid

~ the kintsugi kid (ten years)

this song is really fucking sad actually. there's so much fear of being forgotten on this album and it's showcased really beautifully in this song,,,mayhaps not the most obviously petekey song but god damn

~ what a time to be alive

this song's about covid and quarantine n it's pretty easy on the whole suffering from a fling in 2005 thing! good job pete and fob

~ so much (for) stardust

this song is kinda suspicious but there's very few lines that really solidify it as a petekey song,,, altho "i think i've been going through it, and ive been putting your name through it" is a really interesting lyric. and OF COURSE, "in another life, you were my babe/in another life, you were the sunshine of my lifetime" happy xmas war is over

[evolutionsvoid]

An endless black hell, that is where I must be. The path before me forged of obsidian tar, shrouded by a night that knows no end. Ahead lies nothingness, but behind me is more of the same. There is no escape, no logic, I have long accepted that now. It seems to be the only fact that can be found in this void, as the rest is just asphalt and darkness. Yet, I drive on, because that is really all I can do. It is either that or just give up. Pull my car off to the side of the road (wouldn't want to obstruct this path of damnation), kill the engine and just wait for the end. Just sit in this cramped metal prison until I rot, but would that even happen? I am driving in a car that has no gas, in a world of ceaseless roads and fields, where the sun cannot be found despite days passing. Would I actually starve to death? Or die of thirst? It feels like I obviously would, but when my mind drifts to thoughts of food and drink, I don't find myself wanting. How can I not be hungry? How am I not parched from doing nothing but mindlessly driving for hours? Perhaps time doesn't exist here, just like all other rules of reality. It is almost silly for me to realize this now. Of course time is broken, of course this is just some frozen limbo that has no end. What good would all this torment be if I simply perished from thirst? No, I must remain alive, remain driving this lonely road. It is my punishment, though I don't know why. What did I do to deserve this? What horrible sin did I commit? What god did I offend to be condemned to this timeless prison? I cannot say. Perhaps it isn't even meant to be torture, maybe I just turned down the wrong road. Honestly, I don't know which option is worse...

I have yet to accept the idea of giving up, of bringing my futile quest to a halt, so I just keep driving on. Maybe determination is the answer to this hell, that persevering will eventually bring me to a conclusion. Follow this road for weeks, months, or maybe years and then the angels will come down and congratulate me for passing this insane test. But that is unlikely to happen. There is nothing to be gained from mindlessly cruising down this empty road, just more asphalt and darkness. As if in a trance, I just let cruise control do its thing and I let the car take me down this path to damnation. How long will my noble steed last? Though gas doesn't seem to exist around here, can I pop a tire? Can the engine die? Perhaps that is what will finally kill me. When I twist the key and send this metal beast into slumber, its glowing eyes fading away in the night. When the light and the purr of the engine finally die, then I too shall perish. The darkness and tar that surrounds me will surge inward at last and devour me, and I will be just like those rotten tar globs that scatter the path. Maybe I should try it, just to see. It sounds like it would be a relief at this point, to finally end it all. Surely a swift and deadly conclusion would be better than toiling away for eternity in this void of a countryside. It does sound tempting, but I cannot fool myself. Despite my wishes for the end, my hand still pauses and shakes when it reaches for the key. I still hesitate and wonder if this will truly be the end. Call me a fool, call me a coward, but I cannot bring myself to shut this vehicle off and let the night take hold.....yet. The road widened again adding more lanes to this monotonous trek. It just seems to do that the deeper I dive. Will there be a time when the grass and dirt vanish too? When these maddening roads run into one another and make a world of pure tar and paint? Perhaps. I cannot say for certain that it won't happen, as there are truly no absolutes here. Except for the one where I will absolutely never make it back to the real world. I will never see another building, human being or even a road sign ever again. So I guess there are no good absolutes here. If it is bad, then yeah, free game. Just keep driving and see what unfolds. For the first time in what feels like weeks, I see a structure ahead of me. It looms in the darkness, my headlights finally hitting something besides empty road and twisted metal monstrosities. The flash of pale gray cement woke me from my mindless driving, startling me so that I instinctively hit the brakes. My steed slowed to a crawl, and I could take the second I needed to truly understand what I was looking at. Cement pillars rising upwards into the night sky, arranged in lines and sloping patterns. An overpass. A bridge crossing over my dark path, where it is coming and going I couldn't say. For a moment I had a bit of hope. A new road, a new path. Somewhere else to go, or at least a radical change in scenery. But could I abandon the road I have been stuck on for so long? Would changing directions help my situation, or even change it in the slightest? No one could know, but it wound up not mattering. The second I drove further towards these cement pillars I realized that there was no new road to worry about. There was an overpass, or at least parts of a couple. What stood atop these structures were garbled chunks of bridge and rebar, arranged by a messy toddler with too many toys. There was no coherent bridge to be found, and I uselessly noted that there wasn't even an on ramp. Someone chopped a dozen overpasses into pieces and then scattered and stacked them with reckless abandon. The craziest intersections or tangled web of ramps found in the real world paled in comparison to this awesome architectural mess. Some bridge pieces ran into the sides of others, colliding with the cement barriers usually meant to keep cars from plummeting to their doom. Some chunks stood alone, looking like a lost chess piece left standing on an empty board. Some bridges were actually long enough to serve as one, if they hadn't looped onto themselves to create an infinite spiral. Others were stacked atop each other so high that I couldn't see where they ended. My headlights couldn't illuminate enough of them, and even craning my neck upwards didn't let me see the top of this mangled toy set. But my searching upwards did allow me to spot another new thing amongst the drab chaos. This twisted nest of road parts didn't stand empty, as an occupant was found atop it all. It was perched atop a random piece of scattered bridge, looking down upon me like a vulture eyeing a sizzling piece of roadkill. Its great metal limbs arched in such a way, that it made it looked hunched over. Thick sheets of tar dripped from its cobbled together frame, as if it sought to cloak itself in this noxious material. What had caught my eye was the blinking of orange lights, a steady rhythmic pulsing as if it was tied to a heart. A shiny black slab served as some kind of face, and strange arrangements of these orange blinkers gave the sense of crude eyes. Its hunched body held itself with iron claws, digging into the cement as if it was made of chewing gum. The way its whole form leaned over the edge, its strange face pointed downwards, gave me the sense of a judge staring down at a defendant from their towering bench. Though it had no real eyes or facial features, my body knew it was staring at me. The way my hair stood on end and with how my heart pounded in my chest, I knew. Once again, I was being acknowledged by a denizen of these endless realm, with no idea if it would finally take action against my presence. Would it pounce from its perch and drop onto my vehicle like an metal owl seeking to tear me to pieces? Would its pulsing face change into a signal for others, calling forth its brethren with the promise of flesh and steel to devour? No, that didn't happen. Like the times before, it only stared. Unlike the other two, it didn't carry on with its task, if it even had one. Perhaps this thing's only job was to stand guard, and watch all who came down this doomed road. I stared at it for hours, and it did the same for me. But at last, the shock of the encounter wore off and I decided to continue on. I slowly rolled under the tangled nest of bridges, keeping the speedometer just barely above the ten, as if speeding would anger this dripping sentinel. It did watch me as I passed under its home, but eventually its glowing face turned away and found something more interesting to stare at. The bridges and their guardian vanished into the darkness behind me, and I was once again left with the lonely open road. Just like before, I picked up speed and just kept rolling on...

------------------------------------------

“Attention”

Been a while with these fellas!    

[th3w00ds]

Yandere Natemare

Fandom(s): YouTuber Egos

Trigger Warnings (if any): Kidnapping, yandere behavior

@thelittleautisticgirl @colourfulmes @natethespookyenby @nwtbobsessedemo

----------------------------------------

It was a cold, foggy morning when that psycho had kidnapped you. You had been seeing the same guy in your peripheral vision for months, but whenever you turned to look, he was gone. He always had some weird type of makeup on, bluish-purple tear streaks. That was mainly how you recognized him. 

That is, if you weren’t hallucinating him. Which you probably were.

The day was going was like any other, with you getting up to get ready, and eating breakfast. However, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were being watched somehow. It must’ve been your brain playing tricks on you.

Right?

You got up to put the bowl from your cereal into the sink. Glancing out into the woods by your house, you saw the fog had become thicker, and there was some heavy smoke in the fog as well. 

“What the hell?” You muttered, squinting to look for any explanation for the smoke. The fog was normal, you got that around here all the time, but the smoke? That was new. 

That was when you felt an intense gaze on your back. You turned, but again, there was no one. You sighed, and walked back to your room, hands stuffed in the pocket of your hoodie. You didn’t notice that the smell of smoke was becoming stronger the closer you got to your room. You opened the door to your room, your body freezing up and eyes widening at what you saw inside. 

The same man who you had seen in your vision for months was sitting on your bed, like it was something he did every day. When he saw you enter, you could see his eyes light up, and a smile cross his face. 

“Hi, doll,” Was what he said. Doll?! Where did that even come from?! 

You tried to move, to run, to do anything, but your body wouldn’t move. You just.. froze. You could only watch as he got up and walked towards you, a lovesick look in his eyes.

“Do you know how long I’ve waiting for this moment, doll? Months,” He said, looking deep into your eyes. You were terrified. “But it’ll be okay now, and you can come with me, doll!” He placed a hand on your head. “Sleep,” 

You blacked out after that. When you came to, you were in a dark room, tied up in a chair. A single lightbulb illuminated the room. Huh, cliché much? You thought. You heard footsteps, then a door opened, and the man walked in. 

He leaned in close to you, running a hand through your hair, looking in your eyes once again.

“Shhh.. shhh, it’s okay, Natemare’s here,” He said. What a.. weird name. “I’ll say this now, doll: You’ll never be getting away from me. Ever. I love you, and you’ll learn to love me just as much, isn’t that right?” 

You still felt scared. So scared. But he didn’t seem to take that into account, acting like he had known you for years, like kidnapping you was no big deal. He sighed.

“I’m sorry for the sudden visit, but I just couldn’t hold myself back any longer. You understand, right? What it’s like?” You gave him a puzzled look. “To be so in love that it tears you apart when you aren’t with the person you love? When you see them every day, but never get to tell them how much you love them? B-But now you’re here! And you can put m-me back together again!” 

His voice started to waver and break after the last part, and Natemare sounded insane. You put him back together? What the hell does he even mean? You didn’t want to be here at all! 

“Let me go!” You shouted. He looked heartbroken as soon as he heard you. His hands clenched into fists, the smell of smoke getting stronger with his anger, and.. his eyes started to glow purple. 

“Let you g-go? Doll, I’d NEVER let you go, do you understand me?! You are here to stay.” 

[deusexmachinawitch]

Weekend Success Stories

Disregard what happened in this post, I want to make a list of all the things I manifested this weekend. Now that I slept for like 12 hours and processed things better, I really looked back about all the things I wanted to manifest besides SP and I really succeeded like A LOT of them.

☆ Free trip

The reason for my trip was that I wanted to attend the concert of a group of friends. These girls are some sort of "idols" in my country and they do concerts across the anime conventions or clubs in a city 6 hours from me. They sometimes come to my city but that's really rare. Because of several expenses regarding to my health, I didn't know if I could make it to this trip but I really wanted to go because one of the girls, who is now my friend, has been my inspiration and my oshi/bias for years. Her energy really inspired me to change for the better and become more bold since I was really timid and self-conscious of myself. So I promised her that I would always support her and encourage her like she did with me and we both would strive for our dreams and goals. At first I was afraid to go because of meeting SP, but my promise with her was stronger than that since she came before SP ever came to the picture. So I really wanted to see her and give her my support, also to show SP that his existence wasn't going to make me stop supporting her.

I affirmed hard that I wanted to see the concert no matter what and suddenly I started receiving money from small jobs I did and friends that owed me money, discounts on hotels and one of my roommate's friends being in that city the same weekend so he could drive from the hotel to the venue and then take me back home by car. My roommate, who is like my Mom, also gave money to his friend to make a stop during the roadtrip back so I could have dinner. He also sent me money to buy merch from the group with a note saying "Thank you for doing the groceries and cleaning before leaving, sorry for being a mess because of my depression. Enjoy your weekend". So it was really sweet. So basically, I barely spent on this trip.

☆ Desired Appearance (Looking quite young for my age, clear skin, weight loss disregard what I was going to eat that weekend, silky beautiful purple hair like my favorite anime character, free products)

One thing I already said is that I'm in adult age. I really don't look my age but I was starting to have a very tired appearance that made me insecure, especially the last months leading up to the breakup. I really hate seeing pictures of me from a few months ago because of the weight gain and tired appearance.

I kept affirming that I wanted to look like Senjougahara from Bakemonogatari since she has been my inspiration for the longest time. I wanted to have clear skin and very long healthy purple hair.

So my hair started looking pretty silky, it grew like INSANELY LONG in two months. My hairstylist actually came to visit me and did my hair for free because I helped her with her moving to a new place a few months ago and I got my hair dyed, treated and got free hair products.

Also, there was a huge makeup and skincare product sale and my friends gifted me stuff from the sale. I also got a free new outfit just for the trip for dirt cheap.

Not to mention, I kept getting invited to eat and I actually lost weight despite all I ate and also after measuring me, I lost some centimeters as well so I'm really happy about that!

☆ Everyone missing me and people noticing the glow up (+ someone actually gifting me the specific ribbons I actually wanted)

After the breakup, I actually disappeared from social networks and barely answered messages. I wanted to focus on my LoA journey that I went into stricter mental diets more and more. But I wanted everyone to miss me and care for me but also notice that I did this disappearance to have a better mindset and feel good in my skin.

After I arrived to the venue, everyone actually showered me with attention. My friends said that probably SP acted out like he did because I got all the attention on me, actually looked much better without him and he looked rough even though he was the one that broke up with me.

I received hugs and attention from everyone, including my SP's bias. Plus my bias hugged me a lot and took a lot of pictures of us and posted them on social media. Not to mention that we both look so pretty in the polaroids we took and I have a polaroid with my bias hugging me (suck that, mean SP).

Also, a girl whom I know from social media and kept seeing me in cons, came to hug me and said how much she missed me because I was an inspiration for everyone because I keep encouraging others even in my darkest times. She found out I was coming because people told her in secret that I was on my way and she came running to see me to tell me to not stop doing what I'm doing and to keep having a wonderful heart.

But the most shocking thing for me was that, I was doing @fleurlx's "Badass Alter Ego Challenge" to become the person who I wanted to become. I took note about the clothes and such, but one thing I wanted were a pair of black ribbon clips that were long but not too big to not look "cartoony", but I really couldn't find them anywhere. But suddenly this girl tells me she has a gift for me and it's the EXACT SAME RIBBONS I IMAGINED. She said to me that she always loved my purple hair and it was getting longer and longer, so she went to a store to find me a "welcome back" gift and felt drawn to these ribbons for some reason and hoped I liked them. I thanked her and wore them on the spot, she was really happy and stayed with me as well. Plus she shamelessly plugged my socials to everyone lol. Guess I have to come back, at least for people like her, I'll also take a lot of pictures with the ribbons, because she believed in me and gave me the final piece to be my alter ego, my best self... Which is not only the ribbons themselves, but the love of people who believed in me in my best and worst.

I was also randomly gifted a nail polisher and overnight hair rollers so I wouldn't ruin my long hair with a iron curler if I wanted to try having princess-like curls.

☆ Do something fun that weekend that could help me feel more powerful about my self-concept

I know this sounds abstract but I had a whole day off before the con, so I didn't know what to do. The thing is that, my hotel was very far from the main city but not far enough to not have public transportation. I decided to trust the Universe on the hotel it manifested to me because it was cheap and the area wasn't a dangerous one.

I did well on trusting the Universe, because there was a party for the anniversary of an arcade and I actually secretly help restore and fix arcades. So people who were aware of me but have never seen me in person (because they just bring the machines to the workshop and I just go in hours where no one's there), sent me an invitation when they were told by my roommate that I was actually like a 15 minutes walk from their arcade.

The thing is that they were shocked that I was actually a girl, that I was someone they have seen before at cons and someone quite well-known and that I was keeping this a secret. I actually told them that I appreciate my privacy and I prefer to be humble about my skills. I actually ended up helping them fix an arcade while being in a pretty dress then just hijacked the arcades I liked for myself, especially MaiMai.

I got flirted on by several people, got several new followers and kicked everyone's ass in MaiMai whenever someone challenged me. And related to the DR manifestation, everyone thought I was WAAAAAAY younger my actual age and that made me feel great.

I think the best comment I heard was "WTF, you're so cool and so pretty! I didn't know what to expect when I heard that the second technician of xxxxx was a shut-in that just ate snacks, played Splatoon and just listened to idol music in the workshop. No wonder you don't want everyone to see you, people would either try to flirt with you or harass you because gamers be like that". I'll take this to heart and continue being a shut-in, the main technician of the workshop actually protected my identity for the same reason this person stated after all (he's a childhood friend and protects me with his life).

☆ Small mean manifestations

Because SP was mean with everyone including myself, I manifested for his bias to not pay attention to him and for the weather to be suddenly rainy when he went back home so he has something to think about his behavior on his way home.

So his bias had to leave because she had to go do other things and IT DID RAIN AS SOON WE ALL HAD TO LEAVE. I was leaving by car so I had no problems, but I saw SP running to the train station without an umbrella.

While I still care about him and I want to revise him since I do love him, I wanted him to think about what he had done to everyone and how childish he was by being ignored then having to leave to his house by himself and in a hurry. I wanted the Universe to teach him a lesson so he grows up, especially because he really caused several scenes during the con with several people and disturbed people attending.

I also manifested for the group to not have any concerts til late Fall so he has nothing to do during the Summer and stays home to think about what he has done and actually the group announced the won't have more concerts til at least October. But I also manifested to be closer to my bias disregard that and she is talking to me more and making plans with me to livestream together or hang out during the Summer! In fact, she accepted the offer of performing a solo concert at my city at the arcade next to my workshop and my childhood friend told me he would actually close the place out for it to be a private live but prepare equipment to livestream it! She also told me to check matching clothes!

Long story short...

Affirm and persist and winning is my only option!

Plus, I don't care about what happened with SP anymore because I think the Universe did this to show him how much of a God I am, what he is missing and to make him realize his behavior. So I didn't have a loss! I only won!

Well, time will bring him to me for sure as a better person.

I also want to thank my roommate, my LoA buddy, my childhood friend, the amazing and friendly @loass-angel AI and a certain LoA coach from the Elysian Discord for supporting me during this weekend and enduring my spams lol.

Thank you all for reading!

[iloveamagician]

OH, DISMEMBERMENT PLAN...

what an insane band name, when I first started listening to them, I had no idea what "to dismember" meant, I only looked up the dictionary definition after seeing people's reactions such as "????????" and "the WHAT plan????!!!!", when they had been recommended the band. It happens. I feel it belongs to the experience of people who aren't native speakers of English, yet they've grown up surrounded by music in the language. Music comes first, lyrics second, meaning... third??

I still have a clear memory of ten-year-old me memorizing all the lyrics to my favorite Linkin Park songs. While I recognized some of the words I was singing along to, I wasn't able to decipher their meanings and wasn't even trying to. That band was my first real obsession. Hyperfixation, perhaps. They were the music I would play when I was given access to youtube on the family computer. Turns out I didn't get to grow up to be the person who gets the aux. In my teenage years I went through so many more music phases, a journey I'd love to discover in better detail across many more posts in the future. There was my metal phase with a milion subphases within it (since there is probably more subgenres than bands), then a prog and alt rock phase, then in the summer of 2019 a friend introduced me — 16 year old, coming to terms with their newly discovered queer identity — to car seat headrest, which swept me like an ocean wave and irreversibly changed my music taste and also me as a person.

The world of indie music opened itself to me, so many new artists, bands, but more importantly specific albums by those artists, dc snuff film/waste yrself, the glow pt. 2, itaots, souvlaki... all the classics, but none of them had a hold on me as strong as Twin Fantasy by CSH, Come In by Weatherday, Funeral by Arcade Fire, YWNKW by Sweet Trip, and – well, my Elliott Smith obsession was yet to come but we can count XO in there too. But in the midst of all these albums, you could find Emergency & I, a record that I enjoyed when I first listened to it, I didn't really think much of it, but I really felt the need to return to it. And then again and again, I best enjoyed the fun, most standard songs, What Do You Want Me To Say and Gyroscope, I loved hearing the small weird details in them, the time signatures, the mindblowing drumming... the album didn't mean a lot to me at first. I was still 17 when I first heard it, I needed to grow into it.

A year later I got into a long distance relationship, I started university, I moved from my small town to a big city. And it sucked, I wasn't really able to make any friends, I couldn't handle the pressure of schoolwork, my depression got much worse, my adhd meds weren't really doing anything, at some point I stopped leaving my dorm room and I ended up sinking into a deep metaphorical pit and eventually dropping out after four months. Fun stuff. The reason why I am mentioning all this is that there is a strong correlation between my music journey and my life journey. And Emergency & I is the college age young adult album. There is so much loneliness packed into it but it's not exactly sad or depressing. This album can be kind of laid back, or extremely anxious, it can be very nihilistic and dystopian, it can be very fun or it can completely rip your heart out, it can make you think "yeah I do know these people", it can be very silly and the next second it throws the most poetic and beautiful words at you that fill your heart and head with an abundance of images and feelings. And it gets better the more you grow into it and the more you relate to it, and even if you don't relate to everything, the songwriting and storytelling is so perfect and emotionally intense that it will rip its claws into you and never let you go.

In the last year and a half I've managed to get myself into a much better place in terms of mental health and academic success. I started studying again, this time a subject I love (languages), I found some amazing friends, the long distance relationship has turned into a less distance relationship and we see each other relatively often and things are going great and I finally realized that Emergency & I is the best album ever made. Because even when everything is going great, maintaining all those parts of my life is not easy at all and this album knows it too well. Okay, maybe it is not the best album ever made, but it is the best album for me. At this stage of my life.

But do I claim that after over three years, I understand the meaning of this album perfectly? Not really. Well, I bet not even Travis Morrison does, because how could he have predicted the intensity of the feelings I go through each time I listen to the album, or the impossible to fill void that appears inside of my chest after the final track ends, making me long for more of those feelings but also making me sad becuase there is nothing else quite like E&I...

And, you know, maybe I was wrong and the song meaning does not come third. Maybe the first time you listen to a song, it already means something to you. Maybe that is why I was drawn back to the album. Each time I listen to it I am a different person. And the songs mean different things. Of course I understand more of the song lyrics the more I read them and listen to them and analyze them but words can only go so far in terms of meaning. The band created the songs with certain ideas in their heads but those ideas have been transformed so many times, from their minds through their instruments, on paper, to the recordings, the masters, and then to the ears and minds of thousands of people, through different mediums, through different means of discovery. Songs mean different things to you when a friend recommends them to you or when you find them on your own, even before you listen to them. And I am not even mentioning live performances where your body vibrates with the music and the room and the songs are changed ever so slightly each time. Nobody experiences music the same way.

And I could talk for hours about what exactly the album means to me but I cannot and also do not want to fit all of it in one post. I want to dedicate a separate post to each of the songs on this album, which is one of the things my blog is going to be about, but I don't want to limit myself to being only a dismemberment plan fan, I want to document my music journey here, both by looking into the past and sharing my current favorites (for example get ready for a ton of weatherday posting this year). This post is just me speaking random sentences into the void, to prepare everyone for all of my future long posts, which are also going to be me ranting into the void, hoping things will end up making at least some sense to at least one of you (assuming somebody will read this, but I know this place is full of nerds just as obsessed with things as me (or even more, actually) so my chances aren't a complete zero).

tldr listen to dismemberment plan, it might change your life. I am not conscious enough to proofread. goodnight <3

[amalgamgooze]

resonating somehow on a deeper level with a dead mall

Watching malls near and dear to my heart slowly atrophy and deteriorate is depressing.

These are the malls that I grew up at, the malls I'd go to with my cousins (under the supervision of our parents, of course) and play mini golf and such.

Malls that were once bustling with activity, life, and prosperity.

And now they're just empty-ish. Or totally destroyed.

...

I had the privilege of visiting one of my favorite dying malls earlier today.

This is a mall that my mother would tell me stories of having pushed me around in a stroller as a child,

a mall where a younger me and my cousins challenged each other in the glow-in-the-dark mini golf,

a mall that was once filled with bookstores and pretzel stands.

...

And now all of that life is gone.

Over the past twelve-ish years that I've been conscious enough to remember experiences, I've witnessed this mall decay all the way from what it once was.

When I'd broken my wrist about seven years ago now, we'd visited this mall at one of the last times I'd consider it to still have some life. Played the mini golf awkwardly then against my family with a encasted hand. (If I remember correctly, I won?)

I'd then visited it again the fall before the pandemic to see it'd become more empty. Played the mini golf again against my brother. (I probably won here too)

At some point during the pandemic, we'd visited the mall yet again and I'd played the mini golf once more, this time all by myself. I can't really say I won or lost then. It was sort of a knowing farewell, that this'd probably be the last time I'd ever get to play this course with all its cool doodle-like aesthetics.

Of course, the next time I'd visited the mall later in the pandemic, the mini golf place had finally closed. It was kind of crushing, but it was obvious it was coming. All I'd really done was sit at the bedside of this dying establishment, knowing it'd die, but holding some sort of strange hope that maybe it'd live and we'd look back on this decay as nothing more than a bad dream.

Now, the mall's bookstore was still open then. It was kind of something I was looking forward to seeing when I'd visited it again today.

Of course, the bookstore had closed since then too.

But the mall still lived--despite the fact it was practically rotting from the inside-out.

It's insane to think how much can change in eighteen short years.

Once-glamorous storefronts now covered by drapes, printed with inspirational quotes from important people, I guess.

"Dreams of things that never were", attributed to Robert Kennedy.

And it's become the embodiment of those liminal-space pictures--there's so much just barely missing that makes it all feel a little off.

But the mall still lives. As do I.

This mall keeps pushing onward in hopes of a better tomorrow. Who's to say I shouldn't do the same, even if it feels like I'm getting worse by the day? If the world's getting worse by the day?

I don't care if the mall was a product of capitalism. It seems to me that it is now a victim of what created it. We fight some greater evil, some greater greed, together.

Anything to avenge "Shot in the Dark", a gone-but-not-forgotten glow-in-the-dark mini golf legend.

[bleachbleachbleach]

6/12-6/18/2023

I finished both Kensei’s and Hinamori’s chapters this week, which means that I have two Rukia chapters and one Renji chapter to go before I’ve finished Part 1 (of 3)! The second Rukia chapter is pretty close. The other two are not.

What I’m proudest of this week is starting to finish Hinamori’s chapter yesterday and thinking, “Wow, this is the worst thing I’ve ever written!” and then picking it up this morning and thinking, “Wow, this is the worst thing I’ve ever written!” and deciding that I’d just finish the chapter out before trying to enumerate what, exactly, I thought was bad about it. I did finish the chapter out! Yay! And it is still bad, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever written. There are parts I like. One of the big problems, though, is that there’s a patchwork of things I like spanning a completely insane conversation that is not, in fact, greater than the sum of its parts.

I was also really proud of Kensei’s chapter until the glow of having finished a chapter wore off, and now am kind of lukewarm about it again. But its issues feel less miasmic than the Hinamori chapter. I just think there’s too much going on, and the pieces are coming together in cacophony rather than resonance. Meanwhile, Hinamori’s chapter is just. Tortured. All the way down. The prose, that is, not Hinamori.

I’d share an excerpt to celebrate finishing chapters, but I already shared one from the Kensei chapter last year and I feel too much shame about the Hinamori chapter right now. So instead I’ll list the patchwork of things that ended up in this chapter, because the list makes it sound a lot better than the prose does, and I’m just going to give myself that, as a treat. The list may also explain why this chapter is more patchwork of things than a story, but that is neither here nor there tonight. I might post my list of things I want to work on later, if I’m able to articulate them.

Chapter 4: Hinamori

- how Shinji and Hinamori give and get information out of each other

- Hinamori’s opinion of Central 46′s ration schedule

- Hinamori’s opinion of Central 46′s governance in general

- Hinamori’s opinion of Hitsugaya’s commitment to working harder, not smarter

- the lost art of Soul Society shorthand script

- rice futures and tax schedules

- the 5th Division 12th seat who was too neurotic to take Shinji’s leadership style and left for the 9th to work on the SC, which Hitsugaya thinks is an insane decision for anyone to make if they wanted an organized leadership style (the 12th seat is fine and very happy and aggressively not in this story, he’s busy doing math)

- the 10th Division “weird tea” drawer, AKA “stuff Matsumoto brings from places, I don’t know where”

- my repeated failure to describe Hinamori describing Hitsugaya’s emotional state

- Hitsugaya’s opinion of the 10th Division couches

- Hinamori’s opinion of microwaves (+the only three words Hitsugaya has ever spent on microwaves)

- the 2750-word span of scenes where Hitsugaya and Hinamori attempt to make tea and never actually do

- flashbacks in flashbacks in flashbacks there’s no reason for this to be this Inception Hinamori get it together delete this

- Hinamori shouting over a pond and then feeding the koi

- Hinamori wondering what Soul Society’s policy on undocumented Ugandan immigrant ghosts is (which, while fascinating, probably shouldn’t be in this fic)

- Matsumoto not taking her own advice

- Iemura’s rugged, virile masculinity

- the poor management of the Rukongai refugee situation

- the fact that the Gotei are only interested in talking about the last seven days of the Thousand Year Blood War and not any of the things that happened during the thousand years of days before that

- Hinamori’s opinion of Hitsugaya’s eyes (they’re pretty)

- Hitsugaya perfecting the art of lying while only saying things that are true

- Hinamori’s inability to follow her own advice, which was Matsumoto’s advice that Matsumoto also didn’t follow

[sprinklrsplashes]

oceans and engines part ii | b.b

Summary: it's been 10 years since Dove and Bradley have seen each other and they find themselves running into each other in a bar somewhere in Hawaii. They both have everything that they had ever dreamed of but they still have unfinished business.

Pairing: Bradley Bradshaw x ofc (unnamed and referred to as Dove)

Genre/content warning: angst (I can't help myself, I love pain 🥲) but there is a happy ending, swearing

A/N: this has been sitting (unfinished) in my drafts for a while but I finally finished it over the past couple of days so here is part 2 to oceans and engines, which if you have not read part 1, you can find that right here). I hope you enjoy this and I may be back to do some more writing over the next couple of weeks/months depending on how much free time I have.

Bradley doesn't believe in fate or destiny. Every choice, every decision he has made has been calculated and thought through, consequences and all. None of it was down to fate but it sure feels like it seeing his Dove in a bar somewhere in Hawaii. He rubs his eyes and has to look twice because he can't quite believe his eyes, but there she was on that stage. Her hair was different, her skin was sunkissed from what he assumed was the Californian sun and her cheekbones more defined, but he couldn't mistake her singing voice or the glow she had when she performed. She was electric and she has always been. There's a part of him that makes him want to walk out because as much as it was good to see her, it also hurt a hell of a lot as well. 10 years had passed but it still sometimes felt as raw as it did when she left, and though he had forgiven her, he couldn't forget the unbearable pain he felt that morning he woke up to find her gone with nothing but a note. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from her and the way she moved up there with her band made him think that she made the right decision; he had everything he had ever dreamed of and so did she. He just didn't have her. 

"This last song was one of the first ever songs I wrote and recorded and maybe one of my most personal. I was 22, heartbroken and moving across the country alone. It was maybe the most terrifying but exhilarating thing I have ever done but I had to make some sacrifices. Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go. There's that saying: if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, well, then it wasn't meant to be. And I think I believe that. Maybe that's the hopeless romantic in me but I probably wouldn't be a musician if I wasn't, right? Anyways, thank you so much. You have been a pleasure. This last one's called Oceans and Engines." 

It's all a bit too much for him, seeing her here, hearing her sing about him. Over the years he had imagined what it'd be like to see his little Dove again and the things that he would say to her. In the beginning, all he wanted to do was yell at her and tell her that deciding to break up wasn't a decision for her to make (he would never do such a thing because he knew the moment he sees her lip quiver, he’d crumble completely and forget about the things that he was so mad about). But now, he just wants to tell her how proud he is of her. And despite everything, he still loves her. Honestly, he doesn't think he has ever stopped. Sure he had dated other women since, but none of them were her. 

He hears the door open and a group of drunk girls leaving the bar before it swings shut again, leaving him in peace. The sound of footsteps follows shortly before stopping. 

"I thought I saw you in the crowd there. I couldn't be sure though, sometimes I think I see you everywhere even when you're not really there," she laughs nervously and though he's not looking at her, he knows she's doing that thing where she plays with the ends of her hair when she's nervous. "Are you actually real or have I had far too many tequila shots and gone temporarily insane?" 

His breath hitches in his throat when her hand reaches out to squeeze his arm; images of nights spent with her delicate fingers gripping onto him as he made love to her all night long flashed in his head. He can’t think of her like that, not now when he wanted to be mad at her. It was unfair of Bradley to still hold this thing over her head but he needed to know how much it hurt him. He wrapped his hand around her wrist and took her hand off him. 

Her heart sinks and she can’t mask the flash of pain and betrayal in her eyes quick enough from Bradley but she knows she deserved that. She was the only one to blame for this fraught relationship between them. In another life, they could have been married by now. She thought about this often, what her life could have been if she didn’t pack up her bags to fulfil her hopes and dreams. Would she have been happier? That was the question that haunted her when she was staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. Maybe she could have been, or they could have ended up like most college relationships — staying together when the relationship was way past the expiration date but neither one knows how to end it so eventually someone cheats, or they stick it out and get engaged because that’s what they think should happen and they end up in a lifeless marriage. That’s the answer that helps her move on from thinking about her could-have-been life with Bradley but deep down, she knew it would have probably been far from it. 

"You were good out there," Bradley breaks the awkward silence unable to bear the uncomfortable tension between them. "I'm glad you got everything you ever wanted." 

There's a slight bitterness in him that makes him want to ask Dove if it was worth it but he knew what the answer would be. It would be the same if she asked him the same question. Yes, a hundred times, yes. 

"Thanks. You look like you're doing well too," she notes as she studies him like she’s trying to remember every single aspect of him, even though she probably could draw Bradley from memory if she had to. Though he isn't in uniform, she noticed the dog tags peeking out of his horrendous Hawaiian shirt that he picked and she couldn't miss those arms straining against the flimsy fabric of his shirt. God, she couldn't stop thinking about the things they could do now. Taking her against the wall with his dog tags against his bare chest, his fingers digging into her hips hard enough to leave bruises the next day showing that she is his and only his. Such sinful things they could be doing but he hates her guts now so those fantasies will never come to fruition. 

"Yeah, I am." 

Her lips purse together as he sticks to answers that leave no form for further conversation and she can feel her eyes getting glassy. It's stupid and she knows she deserves this but after 10 years, she figured there wasn't any hard feelings between them and they had both moved on (though she never truly did). "I know I fucked up but that was 10 years ago. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am so can you actually try to have some sort of conversation with me?" 

He can hear the slight tremble in her voice, the pleading in her voice that resembled the same as his whenever he heard himself begging her to stay in his dreams. It nearly makes him feel bad for the humourless laugh that escapes his lips. "You can't just expect me to act like you didn't just pack your bags in the middle of the night and just leave without saying a word. You shattered my heart, Dove. I loved you so much that it scared me more than anything; sometimes I think I would have given it all up just to be with you and that scares me but despite it all, I still wanted to be with you. There was a time I couldn't imagine a life without you by my side and sometimes I still can't even though it's been 10 years."

Silence falls between them as she begins to process his words, only to find that she can only cling to the last few. She doesn't even think Bradley's registered what has just come out of his mouth. "You still think about me?" she asks him looking up through her eyelashes, unable to look at him as she asks the question she needed to know the answer to. Her chest feels tight as she's holding her breath for his response.

Bradley cursed under his breath; she wasn't supposed to know that but now he's said it, he figures there’s no going back. "Yeah, I do," he admits as he runs his hand through his messy curls. 

Maybe it's the tequila running through her veins or the rush of knowing that Bradley still thought of her even now, but there's a streak of boldness that washes over her. It's something she had never been able to admit out loud (because doing so meant she had thrown away one of the best things in her life for nothing). "Same here. I don't think I've ever stopped. I think about you every time a plane flies across the sky, I think about you every time I see a piano, I think about you every time I hear Great Balls of Fire. It’s stupid but sometimes when I’m on tour, I’ll look up where the closest naval bases are and pray that we’ll cross paths. Sometimes I think leaving you was my biggest regret. I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry for everything." 

He can't help but crumble when her voice breaks at the end and reaches across to wipe the tears that have fallen down her cheeks. Suddenly it's like no time has passed and they're 20 years old again. Then she looks at him with those big doe eyes and he's falling in love with her all over again. There's that familiar flutter in his stomach, something he didn't think he'd feel again after she left and it's then that he decides that he can't let her get away, not for a second time.

Before he can even stop himself his lips are on hers, hot and desperate, fingers holding tight onto her waist like she's going to disappear any second. Not this time. He won't let her slip through his fingers again. She whimpers his name softly against his lips and he thinks that this must be what heaven feels like but she brings them crashing back to Earth. 

"Wait, wait, wait," her mouth is saying one thing but her hands are saying another as her fingers are tangled in his hair and she's sighing in his mouth. He pulls away from her lips and begins making his way to her neck. It had been years since they had been together but it was scary how easy it was to fall back into old routines. He still could note every spot that makes her weak in the knees, point out every scar, mole and freckle on her body. Hell, he probably knew her body better than his own. "Bradley, we can't." 

"Why not? What's stopping us?" 

"This, us, our careers. We have everything we've ever wanted. You and I both know that it's not going to work." She's stumbling over her words after that kiss. Being so close to Bradley makes it hard for her to think clearly. It's as if she can hear herself saying all these words but inside she's screaming at herself, begging not to push him away. 

He curses at her, his jaw tensed and his eyes harden. "Don't do this. Stop running away from me. I love you. Always have and always will. And I know you love me too, goddammit. You can deny it all you want but I know you, Dove. What are you so scared of?" His voice drops, eyes soften as he brushes her hair behind her ear and strokes her cheek. 

Her eyes dart across his face, never quite making eye contact. He'll see right through her if she looks into those eyes and she wants this to be easy. He knows her too well though and knows what she’s doing, "Look at me, please." 

She's unsure whether she's shaking because the beer jacket has now worn off and she's beginning to feel the evening breeze or because of her nerves. Bradley Bradshaw tended to have that effect on her. 

He whispers her name and repeats, "What are you so scared of? We can work through this together. Me and you as a team, like we were before." 

There's an urge to pull away now and run as far as she can, but she owes him this much. She figures she can't keep running away from Bradley. One thing that she loves and hates is his annoying persistence and she knew that one way or another he would have tracked her down and gotten her to crack. He was good like that. He knew her far too well. 

"That's what I'm scared of. I don't want you to put me in front of your dreams. I don't want to be the thing holding you back. I don't want to be the thing you'll resent in 20, 30 years when we're married with kids living in some lifeless suburb." 

His eyes shine even in the dim lighting of the parking lot, "You think about having kids with me?" 

In any other circumstance, she probably would have rolled her eyes and laughed. "Is that the only thing you took from what I said? Of course, I thought about that. At one point, I thought you were it for me and I couldn't imagine a life with anyone else. Sometimes I still can't." 

"Stop making decisions for me. Have you ever considered that maybe I want that kind of life that you just described? I want to have a family with you and grow old in some suburban home with a nice little picket fence and grass that is some unnatural shade of green. Yes, I love flying but I love you so much more and I'd rather die than spend another day not waking next to you." 

"Even so, I'm in LA and you're wherever you are now. We live different lives, it won't work." 

"San Diego. I've been stationed in San Diego for a few months now. Dove, honey, stop trying to make excuses for us. We can do it this time, I know we can but if you really don't want this, just look me in the eyes and say no." 

She can't do it. She chews on her lip as she gets lost in his warm eyes and sees a flash of fear but it doesn't last long. He's just as scared as she is, maybe even more. After all, it was her who left him heartbroken all these years so he had more to lose. For Bradley to put his pride aside and pour his heart out to her when she stomped on his 10 years ago was possibly one of the bravest things he had ever done and the man flies fighter jets for a living. 

After what felt like an eternity, she finally replies, "Okay." 

"Okay?" 

"Yeah, okay. I can move to San Diego with you, to be honest, maybe it's for the best because my rent in LA is painful. I'm a musician so really, I can make music anywhere and I can always travel to LA for business meetings or whatever, so okay." 

He laughs under his breath as she talks herself through the logistics of moving her life from LA to San Diego. It was these little things that he had missed and loved about Dove. "Who said anything about moving in with me?" 

Her cheeks flushed red as she stuttered but then she saw the corner of his mouth quirk up in that annoying way that told her he was just teasing. "You're such an asshole." 

"Ah, you've missed me really." 

"Every single day." 

"Same here." 

"Take me home, Lieutenant Bradshaw?" 

"Gladly." 

[miniscrew-anon]

Favorite vampire duo ficlet featuring the line “he’s your daddy”

—-

“Do you ever think about Bram Stoker?”

Dark leaned right, furiously mashing buttons on his controller. His avatar stepped back to avoid Shadows' next attack but was caught in the combo. His avatar was thrown into the air and had his head ripped off. Match over. “Fucking fucker fuck-! What are you talking about? Who the hell is Bram Stoker?”

Shadow sighed disappointedly. “C’mon man. Aren’t you old guys supposed to be all cultured and shit? What have you been doing for the last few centuries? Other than not setting up a stock portfolio.”

“Can you get off my back about that already?”

“You’re a million years old and you work for minimum wage, dude. There’s living in your parents basement until you're forty, and then there's whatever you’re doing.”

The character select menu opened up and Dark quickly switched to someone else. That other one was useless. He’d pick someone with a shit ton of fire power this time. He needs to take Shadows head off. The little shit has been getting a bit too smug recently. “I’ve been busy. Mostly trying to survive. Drinking myself to undeath. A few crusades. You know, the usual.”

Shadow clicked his tongue. “And yet you don’t know the father of all erotic vampire lore.”

Dark pried his eyes off the screen to stare at the younger vampire. “What?”

“Bram Stoker wrote Dracula, you uncultured heathen.” Shadow rolled his eyes at Dark’s confusion. “How did you not know that? This is like a Hylian not knowing about Hylia. Or a basic bitch not knowing about pumpkin spice lattes-”

“What the hell are you talking about? Erotic vampire lore? What?”

“Think about it,” Shadow started, eyes glowing in the darkness of his apartment. “Stoker wrote the original broody, sexy vampire, right? Rich guy in a castle with hot vampire babes and a ‘take you passionately’ attitude? All the forebringers of modern cliches. His work inspired future film adaptations that have dark, alluring men pulling unsuspecting victims into their thrall. He took vampires from some ugly monsters in dark alleys into gracious counts with depth and sex appeal.”

“And your point is…?” Dark turned his head back to the game. While he listened to Shadows horrible reasoning his on-screen counterpart met his bloody demise.

Shadow grinned mischievously. “I’m saying that you owe him big time. You do know that the only reason you’re getting laid these days is because of him, right?”

“I’d ask you to elaborate but I really don’t want you to.”

“Well you know how Twi is into the whole vampire thing, right?”

“Yes I do. And I regret telling you about that every single day,” Dark sighed.

Shadow stuck his tongue out. “Right, well. Why do you think he’s into it?”

Dark side eyed his friend. He's not happy about the way Shadow smiles like a shark smelling blood. “Don’t-”

“Because of decades of sexy vampire lore - because of Bram Stoker! He’s the daddy of sexy vampires. He’s your daddy.”

“Stop talking to me.” Dark groans. “Stop talking in general holy shit. I’m going to kill you-”

Shadow giggles like the insane demon he is. He sits up fully, barely paying attention to the TV but still managing to kill Dark’s avatar with ease. “Don't get upset now. I’m just pointing out a fact.”

Dark cursed as his character was ripped in half brutally. Fatality. “Fuck this game! Piece of shit-! And I’m not the only vampire here, asshole. Whatever messed up logic you’re applying to me can be said for your bleeder, too.”

Shadow rolls his eyes. “Oh, please. Rain doesn’t care about that stuff. He does it because despite whatever he might say, I’m his favorite person. He’d feed me no matter what. But you, unlike me, have no redeeming qualities. So your only chance at getting some is to be someone's personal spank bank fantasy.”

Dark cracked his knuckles. Fuck doing this virtually. “You know what? I’m going to rip your head off.”

Shadow smirked. “If you think that’ll shut me up then you’re in for a surprise.”

———

-and after that Shadows dismembered head offers to get tickets to a showing of the original Dracula at a local theatre for twark because he’s an asshole who takes the bit all the way to the bank

So I was googling because I was wondering when vampires turned sexy and it was around the time of Dracula in the late 1800s. There were a few foreign novels too. Before that they were depicted as purely demonic and evil. So I figured that would be a fun lil factoid to write about. Especially when I thought about how old Dark might be and how if he predates Dracula then he’d have been around when vampires were only seen as monsters. No wonder he was so surprised Twilight didn’t outright reject him.

[straightouttheslendermansionn]

𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝑫𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓: Suicide Sadie

𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: fem! reader, Sadie is mentally and physically scarred, fluffy :D

NOTE: So Sadie is no longer a creepypasta, but I'm insanely proud of this little drabble. Please support her original creator, @/pnckes on instagram! There, they have an official ref sheet for new Sadie!

Ah, homecoming.

The day where we celebrate the first home game of the season.

Brilliant.

I'd rather watch the game than be in here voting for a popularity contest, dancing, and forcing myself to awkwardly converse with people. Even if this is my last year of high school and I'm supposed to be "enjoying" myself. My friends ditched me to have what they call "fun," To each their own I guess, but I'm still a bit upset.

I'm getting butterflies and my legs are weakening under my fluffy dress. I can't do this anymore, really. But it'd be terrible if I went home early.

I mean, not terrible, but I'm not looking forward to a lecture about how I won't benefit from being antisocial. So I just have to force myself to smile and act happy.

I've felt this cold presence the whole time, though I swore that it was just weather. Everybody else looks so warm, but I'm getting colder and paler every moment. Even other people have noticed.

Then, in the corner of the room, I find this glowing light. I see a girl underneath it. She has beautiful blonde and flowing hair, a brown orb, and a... missing eye...?

Curiosity killed the cat, as they say, and I walked over to ask her about it. She started to glow a little as I walked up.

"H-hi there..." I stuttered. Her aura was cold, and not to mention, I'm socially awkward.

She looked away, and a blush had seemed to appear on her pale, glowing cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I-" I stuttered, and started to walk away, but her cold hand grabbed at me.

"No, please stay," she begged, giving me puppy dog eyes. They were almost irresistible.

"I'd think that you'd be scared of me, but somehow your reaction seemed more of being considerate and leaving me alone than being frightened. I'm not used to that." she said, a raised eyebrow and an awkward smile on her face. I could clearly tell that she wasn't used to talking to people.

"So... what happened?" I asked. She just averted her gaze. I thought I struck a nerve but then she looked back up at me and smiled at me again.

"While I'd much rather not explain," she said, but paused as if what was coming would be hard to phrase.

"I want to spend time with you."

"That's... interesting." I said, considering her proposal.

"I-if you don't want to..." she started, looking down at the ground, incoherently muttering the last part. Over the music it was hard to hear, but I understood what she was trying to say.

The air between the two of us was cold and silent for a moment. I probably look crazy over here, talking to thin air in a secluded corner while everyone else is twerking on each other and all that other junk. It's absolutely excruciating to watch, so I break the silence to distract myself. And this girl. I'm sure she doesn't quite like the look of the floor that much.

"You ever danced before? Y'know, with someone?" I asked her. She kept her head down. I was about to repeat myself when she responded.

"I could've, had my night not been ruined my a pig's blood shower." She muttered.

"You're joking, right?" I asked. She shook her head and a light chuckle came from her pale lips.

"Nope, kids were pricks back at my high school. Especially when most have a vendetta against you for being the prettiest or smartest or whatever." She slightly laughed through it, but she looked sad even through her laughter. I hesitated a little, but grabbed her hand gently.

"Wellllll since your dance was ruined for you and this is the song I requested, why don't we? I mean, it's no slow song, but it's still doable... I guess...?" I anxiously rambled. She averted her gaze and smiled, submitting to me.

"Lonely Dance" by Set It Off was playing. Nobody knew it, everyone was bewildered, but the adorable ghost girl and I took the floor. People must have seen her because everyone looked at me perfectly fine. The question is, how did they see her? Meh. Guess I'll never know. I'm no ghost expert.

She and I danced, incorporating ballroom dance with our own wacky moves. I sang along to it while dancing, and while my eyes were closed at certain points, I sensed her looking at me. She had been so taciturn and her mood so mundane and sad up until right now. Seemed like, for once, she was enjoying herself. It made me happy, especially considering the markings on her. Something must have happened, but all of that seemed to melt from her psyche for a good three minutes and ten seconds.

Lots of people had left the dance floor for this song, but eventually the bliss ended and the boisterous rap music rang through the sad little school gym that people called a "homecoming venue". Side note: truly disappointing, but it is what it is.

We got off the floor as soon as the snare and heavy bass started absolutely pounding our eardrums. She was actually dizzy and laughing. Even when she's laughing, she still looks upset. However, I'm glad she's enjoying herself.

"You wanna head out of here?" I asked her.

"There really isn't anything else that's gunna happen except for the crowning and if I know anything, neither of us wanna see that." I explained and she nodded in agreement. We headed for the exit, her arm hooked in mine.

We sat on the sidewalk near the school silently. It was serene; just fresh air and a calm dark night. The stars glowed and formed constellations in the sky. Tonight was absolutely gorgeous. I looked down at the girl next to me and she was still smiling. Albeit, it was fading, but remnants of the moment stay written in her expression. I put my hand on her shoulder.

"I'm proud of you," I told her, my voice as soft as a cloud in the sky above us.

"Why? All I did was dance... and... talk to another person. And show myself in front of a bunch of dumb teenagers that are prone to forgetting me anyway." She responded, not recognizing the effort that she knows it took to do that.

"Just that, my friend," I began, "It takes a lot to talk to people, let alone a human. Especially in your position. It really is a lot and if nobody else is proud of you because it's 'something you should already know how to do', then at least I am. Take it from someone who has been in a shell for a while. From the looks of it, you've been too. So, I'm proud of you. You're brave."

When I finished speaking, she was tearing up and smiling. Blood was leaking from her gauged-out eye, but she still cried pretty, even though I never really wanted to see her cry.

Even though I have known her for but a good thirty minutes, something about her speaks to me in a way no other experience has.

"That was years too late... but that means more to me than you could ever imagine..." She said, choking up.

She hugged me, her skin cold as ice and her aura just as cold. She squeezed tight, not wanting to let go. Her face burrowed into the crook of my neck and she scooted closer to become more comfortable.

"Thank you," she whispered as she faded away. I was confused and sad, but it's a ghost thing I'm guessing. Saddening, no less.

"I'll see you again soon." Her voice lingered as her form dissipated into thin air and left me alone under the calming night sky.

"I hope so." I muttered.

[mariska]

have i told u guys on here abt my increasingly irrational fear of radioactive glowing green antique glassware. cus like two years ago or something i learned about how there used to be a big market for "glow in the dark" decor made from irradiated glass back when they just put radioactive materials in everything before there were any kind of proper regulations and public info abt how insanely dangerous that whole practice was on The Bodies Of Living Organisms. anyways ever since i first accidentally ended up in that wikipedia rabbit hole all of the apps i use think that im like Super Into It so i constantly get videos and pics and marketplace listing ads for vintage or antique radioactive green glass stuff and every time it freaks me out so much and i always text one of my group chats when they pop up like "oh my god the radioactive glass is back again. these people are going to die in 5 years tops" and then like LAST WEEK. ish. this random vid pops up on my feed on tiktok of someone using one of those radioactivity monitor devices to see what the rads number read as when they held it up to the glass of their huge cabinet filled with glowing green antique glass and the number was BONKERS and it kept going up higher and higher and i was immediately like I KNEW IT!!!! I KNEW THAT IS NOT SAFE TO STORE IN HUGE CABINETS WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING THIS TO YOURSELVES. i didnt actually say that to them i just yelled about it to myself in my friend group chat because of my hyper specific vendetta against it but. i felt victorious about it. somehow. idk maybe its cus i had to swallow radiation pills to zap my thyroid so that i didnt die at age 16 but my brain is just Not a fan of the concept of collecting and/or hoarding terrifying amounts of actively dangerous radioactive materials in ur house right where u like. eat. and sleep. and stand with all ur organs that are susceptible to radioactive carcinogens

[angelic-as-can-be]

"Grace" by Asrael (Short Story)

I tell my friends 

“I feel like I have my spark back!”

You chuckle gently, softly, 

almost like a cooing dove

“But that's not quite it, is it little angel?”

I think for a second, 

pacing in a pitter patter 

Walking in circles on my tip toes, every so often lifting myself into a slight flutter off the ground for a few steps, before coming back down

“No, it's something more.

Something intrinsic

Something I've been missing”

I mutter to myself thinking of what it could be when the lacey butterfly wings on my halo shake in disagreement, making it spin slightly. 

Something clicks.

“No no, not missing.” I started to get slightly excited, smiling a little and looking at the other person sitting with me, almost asking for permission to say what I'm going to say.

The divine being sitting across from me gives me an amused smile while interlacing their fingers, raising an eyebrow, a gesture that was urging me to go on

“It's been growing. It was there but small, needing to be changed into something more mature. Happier, healthier. Like baby teeth”

I feel my eyes watering a little, but whoosh it away quickly with a bit of my wind powers (always grateful to have a nature angel as one of my many fathers, i think to myself) 

I continue,

“I found so many of the missing pieces, I accepted myself, I started meditating and learning my history. I let it build.”

“I thought I knew what it felt like before, but this? This feels like I've been invigorated with a new life force! I feel like I can BREATHE again. Like all the parts that were restricted by this vessel aren't actually that restricted anymore. I feel as if I can stretch myself out into some semblance of my true form.”

Just to prove my point, the very essence I've been talking about starts glowing from within my core, and then slowly seeping out into the “room” we were in. It lights up the place with energy, only visible to our 3rd eyes but still very tangible. I can feel it warming the place up and everything seems to have gotten a whole lot brighter. 

I can't contain my energy much longer so I start rambling at a rapid pace.

“I have it back, but it's oh so new! it's sparking and swirling around inside me. Making me feel as if I could take off soaring at any moment! Despite knowing I'm a victim of gravity…” I pause for only a  second or two

“I feel as if I've downed 3 monster energies but also I'm more mellow, and relaxed than I've been in years. An’ Best part is, I'm not scared anymore and that's INSANE for me. I don't know what I'm doing but that's exciting me for once!”

I start to lose steam. I'm panting and my wings are flapping at their tips but I have one last thing to say,

“I don't know what exactly triggered this to happen but it's the best thing thats happened to me in a long long time. I'm so happy to have it, even in this vessel”

The divinity across from me laughs a little, and sits back, crossing one leg over the other, still with their hands intertwined.

“Well what is it?” they urge playfully, smiling like they already know the answer. 

I lean forward and, with a shit eating grin, i breathlessly say:

“My grace”