#insane book i should reread eventually (me about literally so so many books)

[mistninja]

read monstrous regiment 👍

[dangermousie]

Hello !

I was wondering whether you could rate and tell us of your top 5 favourite webnovels/cnovels of all time ?! (Sorry if this has already been answered lol😅)

Thank you, stay safe and have a nice day🖤

Awww, thank you and that is such a lovely ask!!!

From n1 to n5, here they are (they happen to be all danmei.)

1. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha) - my n1 forever and ever.

Taxian Jun, the horrific cultivation emperor of the world who razed cities and destroyed sects, is surrounded on his mountain. The righteous sects are terrified to confront him but tired of living, Taxian Jun consumes poison and dies by suicide at the age of 32. And opens his eyes as 16 year old Mo Ran, Mo Ran long before he became Taxian Jun, Mo Ran who is excited at a chance to save the one person he loved and lost. Oh, and to deal with his loathed shizun, the unapproachable and strict Chu Wanning, his past life’s biggest enemy.

I have no idea if it’s objectively the best on this list but it hits every trope I love, its bleak worldview (the world will change only incrementally but that’s enough, average person will not appreciate the sacrifice but it’s still worthwhile, and love is worth everything) mirrors mine, and the sheer complexity of the plot and cascade of plot twists each of which is insane and yet completely logical, is amazing (this is a rare novel where it’s even more fun to reread than read for the first time because you keep seeing all the hints and trail crumbs laid out that you did not see the first time.)

And the characters!!! I mean, this novel has multiple universes/timelines, a side trip to the Underworld AND the demon realm, a plot more twisted than a store’s worth of pretzels and yet the thing that hits me the most are the characters. Mo Ran is my favorite web novel character of all time and I love Chu Wanning so. All the secondary characters are wonderfully written (and some of them made me bawl) and they are all complex. My opinion of all of them changed many times over; the novel doesn’t make it easy to love some of them but then you do and it’s so worthwhile! That slow change is one of the delights of the novel - I started out disliking the unpleasant, superior Chu Wanning and cruel, callow Mo Ran and then I loved them so so hard and cried for them so so hard and was in awe of their heroism and sacrifice and selflessness and capacity to love.

Oh, and the fact that this novel does something almost impossible - it has its protagonist start out as so clearly irredeemable and then slowly and painfully and thoroughly redeems him (without ever letting the reader forget what it is he needs redemption for.)

Also, for a novel that made me cry so hard I felt ill, this book is just so damn funny with the most sarcastic sense of humor imaginable (the serious angst doesn’t even kick in until 90+ chapters!)

Anyway I should stop or I will write a dissertation. But this is the one web novel that I would put in my top 5 not just web novels but any novels in any shape or form. The plentiful trigger warnings are there for a reason so stay away if they are an issue, but if not, if anyone hasn’t read it yet, what are you doing with your life?!

2. Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - another novel by the author of 2ha. Clearly she just pushes all my buttons every time. This one is much shorter and has a plot that is twisty but less twisty than 2ha. Still, all that means is that intensity and the pain are more concentrated.

Aristocratic Mo Xi and former slave Gu Mang were both legendary generals of the empire and lovers. But Gu Mang betrayed the country and switched to the enemy. Now he is back as a peace offering by that country and Mo Xi has to deal with the fact that his feelings are as strong as ever.

This novel!!! So much pain and intensity!!! So many amazing plot twists and supporting characters. The same bleak world view, the same unjust society, the same protagonists doing right things despite the cost. Mo Xi’s intensity and inability to let go (he’s imprinted on Gu Mang and that’s it) is romantic, bone-shakingly intense, and tragic all at once. And oh Gu Mang! So many times I just wanted to reach into the book physically to protect him. The novel deals with unjust societies, memory versus personality, what it’s like to be good in a bad universe etc. And it both made me sob and giggle, repeatedly, and sold me on literally death-defying (but not honor-defying!) love.

Oh, and special shout out to the fact that like 2ha, you may start out hating some characters and end up a rabid fangirl (cough Murong Lian!)

3. Qiang Jin Jiu - a dense political tome that takes a while to get going but then it’s a runaway train.

In a fictional dynasty, Shen Zechuan, the only remaining son of a disgraced aristocratic family and Xiao Chiye, the younger son of a family of generals guarding the border join forces (and then something else) to get power and pull down the dysfunctional system.

This is so elegant and smart (a rare web novel I’d recommend to anyone who just loves solid period fiction) and you probably need a notebook to keep track of the politics and military strategy. These characters are very very smart not just because the author says so.

As to the characters, there is a large cast and I love many of them, but for me the novel is made by Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye. SZC is gorgeous and delicate and icy and can kill you before you have time to blink. Saddled with the sins of the family he had no pleasant interaction with, he claws his way out of hell (seeing the sinkhole he was trapped in, literally as well) to take down those who wronged him but also to amass power so all the tragedy and corruption won’t happen again and the whole rotten system comes crashing down. XCY is a military genius who is trapped as a hostage in the capital because the court doesn’t trust his family. He longs to return to the plains of home and to take his rightful place. The two men start out as bitter enemies, then reluctant and sniping allies, then as friends and eventually as one of the most gorgeous, tender, swoony OTPs.

Anyway this is one is a bona fide masterpiece, equal parts smart and emotionally intense.

4. Wu Chang Jie - are you an emotional vampire? I am and this novel is a banquet.

In a highly fantastical setting, we meet our protagonists - the sunny Xie Bian and the intense and surly Fan Wushe. Xie Bian is a human who assists his master in conveying souls to the underworld and making sure no mishaps happen. Bian is concentrated sunshine in human form and to meet him is to love him. When the novel opens, his drunk master brings back another human to be his shidi and assist with duties - said human is uncommunicative, intense and surly Wushe. Bian is excited to have a shidi but little does he know that a story dealing with the horrors of past lifetime is about to start.

Anyway, why WCJ? So many reasons. It has such a dark bleak worldview - this world is a horrifying system where powerful cannibalize each other’s cores for an impossible chance to ascend, where gods have sealed off their realm and all that’s left is neverending human misery and hell (the only way you’d see a deity is if they’d been sent down to suffer over and over and over), where even reincarnation doesn’t fix things and bad acts are often unpunished. And the novel then asks - is it worth being a good person in such a world? More, is it worth being a good person in such a world when nothing good has ever happened to you and you have been repeatedly betrayed due to your goodness? And the answer, on Bian’s part, is an uncompromising yes.

Ah yes, the other reason to love this novel - the protagonists and their fucked up fucked up relationship. Bian (who was Prince Ziheng in the past life) is so genuinely good. But he is that rare thing - good but not saintly, noble but not cloying. So much of the novel is his getting taken apart over and over and barely able to put himself back together every time but his soul is still as amazing as ever.

And then there is Wushe (who was Prince Zixiao in past life, Ziheng’s not-bio-related brother.) Wushe is not a good person. He is a monster. And he loves Bian/Ziheng more than his life and his soul and the entire world but he’s also the one who hurt him more than anyone else ever could and did it over and over. His love survived a literal century of torture in the worst kind of hell and refused the usual memory loss of new life. But it also humiliated and broke Ziheng down to his constituent parts.

One of the things that is so fascinating to me about this novel is the question of what can be forgiven/what should be forgiven/what kind of expiation is enough/can you ever love someone who you loved so much and then he hurt you so badly and is now repentant? And it never sweeps trauma under the rug or hand waves it away but deals with it head on.

If you want healthy relationships, you should stay far away from this novel but if intense insane ones with a feral barely human one capable of destroying the world leashed by love and guilt to the sane deeply good one is your bag, come right in.

There is also the world building and the fact that yes, the big fall out between Ziheng x Zixiao is based on not knowing all the facts but it’s not “why can’t you talk?! This is dumb!” But is totally in keeping with both events and their characters. It’s reasonable for Ziheng to do what he does and for Zixiao to misunderstand and decide Ziheng is now his biggest enemy (but still one he’s fixated on) and for Ziheng to never be able to clarify.

Anyway, once again this is trigger warning central so please heed those, but if they are no issue, this one is wonderful.

5. OK, this is hard and switches between Sha Po Lang, Heaven Official’s Blessing and The Golden Stage depending on my mood. So what the hell, I am gonna write about all of them.

Sha Po Lang - so smart and so much clever world building. There is enough politicking to satisfy a Qiang Jin Jiu fan, it’s steampunk, and our two protagonists - Gu Yun, the empire’s most powerful general, who’s loyal to the empire despite being badly wronged by it, and Chang Geng, a cursed prince with barbarian blood and horrifying childhood - are wonderful separately and together. This is a huge slow burn but it’s totally worth it! They fall in love with each other’s hearts and brains and ability as much as anything. (Yes, this is the one with the yifu thing. Gu Yun is made Chang Geng’s foster father when he rescues him and brings him back to the capital as a way to keep CG safe in imperial strife. They are 12 and 19 at the time so clearly it’s never a parental relationship.)

Heaven Official’s Blessing (TCGF) - I love it’s sprawling narrative and cast, I love its inventive setting and picaresque story. It’s hilarious and can make me cry. But the novel’s place on this list is due to Xie Lian who is part Kenshin part drama WWX part pure goodness wrapped in heartbreak and trauma wrapped in sunshine.

The Golden Stage - two smart and principled (yes, they both have principles different though they may be) men navigate their arranged marriage, their past friendship and their past break up, become a super couple (one of the healthiest danmei couples I’ve ever read and proves healthy doesn’t have to be boring), save the country and bring down the emperor or two and just generally this is my rainy day book.

I guess I didn’t write as much for the three n5 candidates as I did for 1-4 but my brain is beginning to curdle so...

[destinygoldenstar]

Based on my fanfic season ‘Sketched Artistry Pretty Cure’

Rei Takeo is a highly talented loner. She values good will and effort with a passion, and does everything to show people these things, no matter what format she has to show them with. She is also highly talented with her athleticism, her intellect, and especially her singing and her writing, as she is highly known by the teachers as a fantastical novelist. But while she does have some well meaning moments, Rei comes across to others as unapproachable, given she is tough, hot headed, and incredibly strict about helping others. She can have a really sarcastic demeanor at points. When she sees something she doesn’t approve of, she’s quick to jump in the fight and call people out, even if she becomes a victim in the process. If it gets to a point where Rei becomes in the wrong and things don’t go her way, she becomes distant, and even stubborn. Rei really does care about people’s well being though, and she does her best to stand up for them. However, she can never seem to stand up for herself, and its because of this that she refuses to show her creative side to anyone, telling people that she’s not creative and that she can’t write, even if the opposite is the truth.

Her refusal to show people her artwork came from trauma in her past. Before Rei was this tough jock, she was an even sweeter girl, more energetic, and kinder, where she came across by many as weird, but beautiful, and back then she showcased her talents to everyone, especially through her writing. It was bad enough that her tough demeaner now made vocalists shun her out despite her good voice. But one day, her elementary class had to write a fantasy story for a school report, and when Rei wrote her story, it blew her entire class away, to a point where she was granted an award for her work by her entire school that she would receive in the spring... that would have changed Rei’s life forever, if it weren’t for the fact that when she revealed her talents, it caused people to become jealous and turn on her. Someone she thought was a friend did exactly that, manipulated Rei and got her suspended, ensuring that people Rei thought were friends looked down on her and called her a hack, that she didn’t deserve her admiration and that she was essentially worthless, that Rei’s writing was nothing but a crime that would destroy her in her life. All of that, where this ex-friend treated it as advice, that Rei should not show her creative side because stuff like this would happen again. And that scared Rei for life, where she only gained enemies by showing her creative side and she felt so ashamed of her reward that she threw it away and hid her book somewhere she could forget. Rei never trusted anyone again, and never let people know that she could write. She still did write, as it was what made her happy, but she never showed anyone them. She even cut her hair to ruin her gorgeous look, so that nobody could think she was worth anything, even if her kind will still lingers in her where she tries to help others be better at themselves.

Rei was taken to Sketching Crafts Academy against her will by her mother, because her mother recognized Rei’s writing talent and wanted her daughter to express it to people again. Rei was not thrilled with going to this school, and she kept her nose in a book and pushed people away. That is until she meets Keiko Sakura, a girl who was just as naïve with showcasing her art as Rei was, but when she first crashed into Keiko at the art museum, she pushed her away, but not before she granted Keiko advice on how to better her bird painting. 

About a week later at a park, Keiko ended up getting run over by jocks who scold her for her sketch she was making on the spot. Rei sees this and jumps in to defend Keiko, claiming that she was minding her own business and so should they, but when they don’t listen, she throws her book at them. Once they retreat, Keiko thanks Rei, but Rei only stubbornly tells her to be careful where she steps before she continues her walk to class. Keiko however, not only thought Rei was cool, but also followed her because Rei didn’t pick up her book after the encounter, so Keiko tried to give it back. Keiko does figure out that Rei is in her class, and becomes confused when Rei claims to their teacher that she couldn’t write, but ends up getting the highest score in the class on storyboarding, and Keiko realizes that she had never seen a fantasy book like the one Rei had in their libraries. Keiko does eventually find the chance to give Rei back her book, and she asks where Rei got it, but Rei states that it’s none of her business. Keiko however recognizes a yellow neon pen Rei was using to write in the book, and she realizes that Rei wrote that story herself. They do get to express their efforts to each other, with Rei presenting herself as an altruist and Keiko looking up to her as a talented writer and leagues ahead of her. Keiko even tries to encourage Rei to show off her book for their upcoming short story project, but Rei refuses and comments that Keiko doesn’t understand the success of art as much as she thinks she does. Keiko manages to tell Sora about Rei having a neon pen, but by the time their project gets explained, Keiko is partnered up with Rei on it. Sora does try to look after Keiko given that fact, but Rei and Keiko are eventually forced to work on it as just the two of them. The whole time, Rei offers Keiko’s ideas for a story, but its soon realized that Keiko is both creative and disorganized, where Rei tries to improve her ideas as a logical yet passionate writer, and Rei isn’t afraid to call out Keiko’s wild style. (Honestly, Keiko and Rei were the first OCs I made for this series, and they became huge foils to each other as a result, Keiko being an open yet overly naïve with a wild creative style, and Rei being more stubborn and practical with a passionate style in artwork.) They get their short story with some extra editing from Sora, and it becomes a good success... except for the fact that Rei completely denies having any credit for the project, where Keiko felt the opposite. Keiko finally decides to reread the storyboards they made together, as well as look into Rei’s novel to see her talent for herself, and it only makes Keiko want to figure out why Rei is so hard on herself when she clearly has a creative passion. Keiko finds Rei at the same park where she helped her, and Keiko tries to convince Rei that she should embrace her passions, and that Keiko saw for herself that she has it, but it only makes Rei throw the book away and tell Keiko that no one cares for her, or her passion, why would someone care now? Keiko claims that she cares, and that gets Rei to hesitate, asking Keiko if she actually liked what she read, to which Keiko claims that she loved it. 

A new monster is created awhile later, and Rei is knocked to a tree. Keiko and Sora transform into Cure Cherry and Cure Azure to fight it, but because the creature fights with fire, neither of their finishers manage to work on it. (I forgot to mention, Cure Cherry fights with paint, her finisher being ‘Cherry Splatter’ where she uses paint bombs. Cure Azure however fights with glitches and can use fabric as chains, her finisher being ‘Azurica Calculation’ where she glitches color onto the monsters) The general finds the short story Keiko and Rei made together, and he rips it apart in disgust, where this catches Rei’s eye as she wakes up, triggering her. Rei scolds the general for destroying a great fantasy, recalling her previous talk with Keiko that gets her to realize Keiko’s identity as Cure Cherry, and Rei actively jumps in front to protect her new friend, even throwing an extinguisher at the monster with equal hot headed energy. Rei expresses that she doesn’t know how to show people her art, but she loves writing fantasies, and those fantasies should be treated with the same love she put into them. This awakens her power as the third member, and the fire powered cure of the team as the golden writer, Cure GoldenAsh. (Cure Cherry nicknames her Cure G)

Rei still continues to be a foil to Keiko as a counter to the pink lead, as they both have different ways of approaching being Pretty Cure that they don’t always agree with. Keiko is a kind and active leader, but had insane ideas that don’t always pan out, plus she is naïve about criticism, especially when the pressure of public appreciation for artwork and the ego that plagues every artist comes into play later in the story. Rei meanwhile is very strict with how things run and isn’t afraid to call out her teammates for better or worse, and it sometimes blinds her into thinking she’s the only one who knows what to do, even when she doesn’t. However, the two despite being opposites, are able to call out each other and compliment each other at the same time, Rei helping Keiko deal with social pressure in being an artist, and Keiko encouraging Rei slowly but surely to return to her authorship.  

So I kind of created an art themed Pretty Cure. Add it to the list of Wattpad stories I claim I’m going to make, but never do. And if you know me, I love this concept of literal creativity, and since I’ve been on a magical girl run lately, why not make an art themed Pretty Cure. Seriously, I only briefly made this about a year ago, forgot about it, and bought it back in just two weeks with characters and their story arcs. So let me know if you want me to do something like this for the other Cures in this fanmade season, or if you actually want me to make one.

[rcl-stan]

my (probably controversial) opinions on ships

Canon:

percabeth: their relationship set the bar so damn high i want what they have 😔 10/10

jasiper: i say jasiper bc everyone argues whether or not it's jasper or jiper and it's a solid combination of the two. tbh their relationship wasn't good. like good while it lasted but if they never broke up i would've been surprised. it was also hella fake, and piper is probably gay let my girl live hera 4/10

frazel: ✨no✨ first of all (here's a side controversial opinion) i don't like frank. don't worry, i absolutely love hazel. second, that age gap? um, chile anyways 👀 sorry if you think that an eighth grader dating a junior in high school is okay, but it's a definite no for me ❤️✨ 0/10

caleo: it's cute, i like how they were a whole "destined to be together" thing and how they both believed they could never find love, but it was rushed. i have a whole long ass headcanon about how i would've done leo and calypso and their love lives better, but that's a post for another day. tbh leo's probably gay tho. the gods were nice to cal 5/10

gruniper: tbh this was the beginning of rickald sticking literally every character in a relationship but i'm happy for grover and they're really cute 7/10

charlena: they're so cute they make my heart soft 🥺 10/10

chrisse: tbh they're also super cute and i really love clarisse not being "just an asshole" like everyone can be loving and compassionate and that's sweet <3 and her saving him from insanity after the labyrinth?? and her getting dating advice she loved him so much?? 🥺👉👈 also i was simping over both of them watching sea of monsters sooo 10/10

solangelo: they're cute but i ship nico w someone else peep the non canon portion. bonus point because i love will solace more than anything and he should be known more than just being nico's bf 8/10

tysella: cute and i like how even monsters can find love but once again just ricks attempt to stick as many characters together as possible like it was so out of the blue PSA it's okay to not feel/want/find love <3 don't let fiction bring you down ily and you're doing fantastic sweetie <3 anyways 5/10

zarter: yes yes yes just YES ugh they're real cute and let me just say the red pyramid/the throne of fire broke my heart but we got back on it 10/10

saltnubus: i- just- what the fAwk 😃 they're the same person ?? i, gIrl eye- chicas it's- ugh let's just get to the rating because words can't describe this ship but numbers can 2/10 (extra points for effort and not dead walt)

Not Canon:

tratie: YES V GOOD SHIP they're adorable please make this canon we have one more book pull some strings. i remember in my most recent reread of pjo i was waiting for tratie and there was nothing and i realized it isn't canon my mind was blown. loss of a point because it's been around for so long and still hasn't been made canon, like, around for so long most people forget it's fanon until it's brought up every once in a while. 9/10

jercy: tbh i don't ship it. like they'd make good friends, but even then they'd both have multiple people they'd put over each other. 0/10

jasico: once again a hard no for me. i just don't see it. like def bros and i think jason being the ultimate good friend to nico, yeah that's cool, but no romance just bromance 1/10

pernico: ✨no✨ 0/10

pipabeth: v cute ship but once again feel like they wouldn't've been #1s to each other, better than jasiper worse than percabeth 6/10

lukabeth: FUCK THAT SHIT NONONONONO GET THAT PEDOPHILIC SHIT OUTTA HERE RIGHT NOW -92736373937373/10

thaluke: feel like they may have had a small thing when they were on the run, but it's a no for me 1/10

perachel: this ship is so valid y'all are just afraid of having this conversation well here it is. it's more similar to jasiper in how if they had gotten together i don't think they would've lasted, but there was some thiqq chemistry and they would've been really great together. and they're also really good friends, stop erasing that 😡✨ 8/10

jeyna: they would've been so great together. as much as i love me a lesbian reyna, i have to admit jason and reyna would've been lowkey goals and super adorable and just, perfect for one another. super sad hera decided to get in the way of that :/ 9/10

theyna: tbh i don't ship it. i just don't see any chem between the two. cool friends maybe, but it's a no for me. 3/10

pipeyna: yessss now that's a badass duo if i've ever seen one. turn it up! 7/10

clareyna: y'all ain't ready for this oneeee ugh like too powerful of a duo the world ain't ready but they'd be so cute i- 🥺 soft clarisse and reyna but also stern and badass clarisse and reyna ahhh this is so shmackalicious, spicetastic, words can't describe... but numbers can 10/10

clarina: a couple of cuties and they definitely had something. not bad, 6/10

valdangelo: no words can describe how much i love this ship. litch-rally gay percabeth. they're meant to be and i'll bet my life on that. like they've both gone through almost the same things, they just handled them differently. they'd feel for each other and eventually open up to each other and get along great. never feeling like they belong but finding comfort in eachother. knowing that there's someone there for them, who understands them, not feeling alone, ugh 🥺 please they're sooo cute 🥺👉👈 also forgive me if this is horribly incorrect but i feel like leo constantly flirting with every girl is just a bit of internalized homophobia ?? like if he had a super religious family i could see them being homophobic (i'm mexican and a lot of my family is like that so i can see it being like that, but not all mexicans are tho) so that could've been kinda rooted in him. he was also called el diablo by his family that could've ran through his mind a bit idk that was just a bit of random extra info anyways 10/10

valgrace: i've never gotten background on this ship?? like i'm open to options yk let me learn so like if anyone wants to elaborate on it/give me reasons to ship them i'm all ears ! but based off of what ik of them in general i don't think they'd be super great. def better as just friends, 3/10

jason + annabeth: uhm issa no from me they'd be that super bland saltine cracker couple, maybe like lifeless praetor duo or smth (if anna elizabeth was somehow roman ofc) 0/10

piper + percy: chaotic and iconic, but definitely not in a relationship 1/10

beckendorf + percy: no❤️✨ but beckendorf was definitely percy's first crush and you can't change my mind 0/10

carter + hazel: this one was a request from my ig.... idk how to feel like.. i mean.. tbh i don't even know... i haven't heard this before today, if you got reasons lmk i'm here for it but i'm very... idek what i'm feeling. ??/10

[antis-delete-your-blogs-pls-thx]

Mouse’s Reclist (#1/?)

Okay, it is time. Time to get working on the incredibly frustrating (but rewarding) task of putting together a fic reclist (the EDM one is next). No, none of my own are going to be on here, I literally know antis would accuse me of doing that for clout. If you want my own fics, DM me :). They probably suck, most of them are really self-indulgent, and I have an update schedule that embodies the slow feeling of trying to download free porn from a dial-up connection in 1997. And your mother is picking up the phone when you’re at the last megabyte and makes you start over. Or something.

I’m going to put a hotlink on the title and probably the author, if that’ll work super easy in a format transfer. Then I’ll post the fandom, pairing, and fic summary in italics, and uh, possibly a small review with some warnings. Keep in mind I can’t be as thorough as the authors themselves, if they’ve chosen to tag at all, because while I do reread these often, I can’t remember every exact trigger. Some of these are fluffy, and some of these are FUCKED UP. Capital F, capital U. Let’s get started. Not organised by fandom or by alphabetical order or by length because my ADHD just says “ONTO THE NEXT LINK GOGOGOGOGOGO” every five seconds. Google docs,,,, stop yelling at my grammar and let me do this thing. There should be about 30 or so under the cut. (Maybe I’ll do more?)

Obviously the first is Three Missing Girls in Madison, Wisconsin by lapsi. This is the Mindhunter Bill/Holden rec that I posted, like, four days ago, and what inspired me to post my own little oneshot drabble. You can check for that in my recs tag for a more detailed description. Let’s just say it’s fucking gorgeous. Everything by lapsi is gorgeous.

Revalations by Anonymous - MCU/Starker/WIP - “I still don’t get it,” Ned says. “How you just... keep being ordinary in spite of all the craziness you’ve lived through. You were in space. You helped Iron Man save the universe. And nobody knows it was you.” His tone softens, becomes almost sad. As though he realizes that what he’s saying is so completely alien to him that he will never be able to understand this part of Peter’s life. “Peter, don’t you want people to know you for who you are?”//An AU where they get the Gauntlet off of Thanos that first time, on Titan. - This is a sort of supremely fucked up but also absolutely beautiful Starker fic with aged up!Peter. By, like, three years, and he’s still essentially Tony’s sugar baby, but whatever. It’s literally an absolute amazing ride.

the spaces between the stars by indigostohelit - Generation Kill/Bradnate - Lieutenant Nathaniel Fick of the USS Devil Dog is returning to Earth with the weight of the world on his shoulders: his captain is incompetent, his crew is half in mutiny, and the mission to a distant star may have been more of a failure than anyone could have comprehended. But on the journey back, something in the ship goes terribly wrong—and Nate may have to bear far more than the weight of the world if he's going to keep his men safe. - Okay, what fandom ancients still remember Generation Kill? Warnings in and of itself for just the general nature of camaraderie on that show. I’m usually a Bradray sucker (remind me to get to those next time), but this was fucking fantastic. Sci-fi mystery AU is my absolute FAVOURITE genre, hands down, all time, ever. And indigo has written a veritable basketload of my fav fics besides, so I can always trust in them.

All of Astolat’s MegOp fic - Transformers/MegOp - ‘Nuff said. She’s the founder of the goddamn site. You’re damn straight I’m going to fawn over her fic. Also it’s fucking good, founding the site aside. I cried. I cried so fucking much. I dripped tears like a sponge.

The White Road by perverse_idyll - Harry Potter/Snarry - One day, comfortably set up in the afterlife, Lily Evans Potter switches on the telly and gets hooked on the Harry Potter show. - Okay, first, this is the only time I’ve literally ever seen one-sided Snily where Lily was the one pining. Anyway, the summary explains the premise, but doesn’t do it justice. Lily watches down on the many possible universes that contain her son’s future from a comfy spot in the afterlife. The relationship between literally everyone in the fic and Severus is… exquisitely-detailed and heart-wrenchingly painful. I’d die for this fic, so I could read a million versions of it in the afterlife.

Rapture by mia_ugly - Harry Potter/Snarry - Snape sees the man, for the first time, on his twenty-fifth birthday. - I fucking bawled my eyes out the first time I read this. And the second. And the third. Dumbledore gives Harry a time-travelling watch for his birthday. A watch that travels to a young Severus, who Harry gets to know. On a pretense, of course. And then he falls in love with him. They both do. It’s absolutely agonising angst, but it has a happy ending. It will fucking pack a punch though, so get the tissues ready. This one is perhaps my favourite Snarry fic of all time. Period. Please don’t pass it up. The writing is so fucking amazingly-crafted. I would sell my soul to write like this.

Shell Game by forthegreatergood - DCU/Superbat - Batman wants Superman. Superman wants Batman. Eventually they'll get it sorted out. - An absolutely spot-on identity porn fic. As cheesy as the summary sounds, this fic hits hard. And it has sex pollen. Who can resist sex pollen? Pun intended, maybe.

Every Superbat fic by Susiecarter. - DCU/Superbat - Susie is a friend of mine (fucking,,, don’t know how I managed that one, apparently I write good enough fic for them to read,,, astonishing), and one of Superbat fandom’s greatest contributors. One of DCEU fandom’s greatest contributors, in fact. Everything they’ve written is a masterpiece. But the ultimate fav? as to which may be the true. Hands down. IDENTITY PORN GALORE.

The Long Hangover by CoffioCake - DCU/Superbat - Clark knows he should take a break: His powers are on the fritz, he feels like shit, and Batman’s treating him like a liability. But Gotham's villains seem to have it in for Metropolis' Big Blue Boy Scout and Clark won't just wait around for answers. Batman might be the world’s greatest detective, but Clark Kent is one of the Daily Planet’s most tenacious reporters.//This is definitely a job for Superman. - Okay, I can’t promise another Superbat won’t show up on this list. I’m a sucker for it. I’m also a sucker for case fic. Which is this. It’s so good. So good.

No Glory (and everything else in the HP fandom) by ObsidianPen - Harry Potter/Tomarry/WIP - The Dark Lord divines what Harry Potter is in the Forbidden Forest, and revelations lead to incomprehensible consequences. Lord Voldemort has won... and the dystopia is damning.//A tale of a fallen hero, dark desires, and a Dark Lord's obsession with something he has lost and finds himself unwillingly lusting after: a soul. - This is a Voldemort wins!AU. A fucking delicious one. If only my own Tomarry could aspire, by god. The imagery in this is so vivid I could swear it was painted on my eyelids. The concept of soul magic and interpretations on Horcruxes is unique and perfectly-executed. Honestly, everything Obsidian has ever written for HP is perfectly-executed. I would probably consider this the definitive Tomarry/Harrymort fic. Seriously.

It Cages a Demon by TripleX_Tyrant - Rick & Morty/C137cest/WIP - When Rick captures a powerful being from a demonic dimension - a demon with the ability to devour thoughts - Morty's consciousness is pulled into the demon's cage. Rick must go in after him before Morty's consciousness is completely consumed. But this isn't what the inside of the cage should look like. And if Rick wants to save Morty, he'll have to survive in a place where paths are unclear and monsters manifest.//Rick knew his own mind was complex. But he wasn't ready for this. - A goddamn Silent Hill-style horror mystery AU??????? FOR RICKMORTY? Yep, you heard me. And every second of it is liquid gold. It’s also gory as all fuck and pants-shittingly terrifying at times, so read at your own risk. But if you can risk it, please do. It’s honestly the best execution of C137cest I’ve seen outside of Harmon’s own damn writing lmao.

The Book of Secrets by Are - Downton Abbey/Thommy - With a war of words and wills, Jimmy Kent and Thomas Barrow embark on a strange romance. Set Post Christmas Special. - Thommy is another rare-ish (now, post-2016) pairing that I would die for. And everything Are has ever written for the pairing could kill me and I would thank it. But TBS is the best. Jimmy finds Thomas’ diary (and poetry book), which was also the diary (and sketchbook) of Courtenay before his passing, and learns more about his past and his innermost thoughts. It’s the most haunting, heartbreaking, poignant fic in the pairing. It ends well, but the journey you’ll take from the first chapter is one I would pay money to experience for the first time again. I literally couldn’t even breathe for a while after this. Lapsi’s fic has the same effect, so if you’ve worked through that one by now, be prepared.

Mad Man by griseldajane - MCU/Thorki - In all the years they spent together, it never occurred to Loki that there might be a time when Thor would not be available to him. The god of mischief conceals himself, coming and going as he pleases, doing what he wants.//That Thor might one day do the same never crossed his mind. - All the mindfuckery a Convinced-You-Were-in-an-Insane-Asylum-the-Whole-Time!fic entails and more. If you have issues with dissociating from reality, this is probably a bit much, because it absolutely nails everything about derealisation, delusional thinking, and paranoia. GOD, if you’re willing to let your mind take that battering, though, it’s a damn work of art.

Switch by Ceres_Libera - Star Trek/McKirk - The life and times of Leonard H. McCoy MD/PhD … If Leonard McCoy's life could get any fucking weirder, it would be … Jesus, he didn't even want to think what that could possibly mean, because it's already been too fucking weird to make any kind of rational sense.//A Starfleet Academy story, set in the ST:XI universe. - The ultimate McKirk fic imho. We’ll get to my ultimate Spirk fic in a second. Please do read this. It’s everything you could want out of an Academy!fic. Especially a roommates/UST!fic. 

Black Mirror by DarthNickels - Star Wars/Gen - The Ghost crew returns to the Lothal when they hear the Empire is investigating the Jedi Temple there. They learn Vader is alone and decide to take him out-- but what they find could change the course of Galactic history. - What, you think I don’t read Gen? I read Gen!!!! Look at all this Gen I read. Put simply, Dad!Vader redemption arc set in the Rebels era. FUCKING,,, what more could I ask for,,, literally. What more?????????? Sci-fi mystery??? ASKING FOR MORE WHOMMMMMST’VE????

The Lotus Eaters by aldora89 - Star Trek/Spirk - Stranded on the planet Sigma Nox while searching for a missing away team, Spock and Kirk find themselves pitted against a disturbing native life form. With the captain out of commission on a regular basis and Spock struggling to preserve his stoicism, staying alive is difficult enough – but when a slim chance for escape surfaces, their resolve is truly put to the test. Together they must fight for survival in the heart of an alien jungle, and in the process, uncover the mystery of the planet’s past. Slow build K/S. - Here’s that aforementioned ultimate Spirk fic. Okay, what, it’s sci-fi mystery again. Give me a break. You just heard how much I would absolutely die for it. Seriously, there is no Spirk fic I adore more than this. I mean, I adore an absolute shittonne of Spirk fics, but this one is my raison d’etre.

In Good Company by weialala - Naruto/Sasunaru - This will sound a little ridiculous, no matter how Sasuke phrases it. I see dead people is embarrassingly tacky, and I'm half-spirit seems like something Sakura might say when she's stoned sky high. So he settles for a shrug. - Sasuke sees dead people. Sasuke bonds with the goddamn fae. Kuchiyose no Jutsu taken to the fucking max. An epic that does what The Last pretty much couldn’t. Shippuden who???

The Boy Who Died A Lot by starcrossedgirl - Harry Potter/Snarry - Harry’s always been known as The Boy Who Lived. Only Severus knows that this is a lie. (Or: a portrait of Severus Snape, in seven acts.) - Oh, there’s Snarry again. Bite me. This is my second (third? Tied with the White Road?) favourite Snarry fic. Time travel, almost Groundhog Day style. Severus has to go back and fix every mistake Harry makes that leads to his untimely death throughout the seven books. I honestly could believe this is what really happened, and we just don’t know otherwise because Rowling hasn’t deigned to make this shit up and put a woke spin on it yet.

Kisses Cursed by The_Fictionist - Harry Potter/Tomarry - Fairytale AU. Loosely inspired by Beauty and the Beast.//Some said he was once a man, cursed, and some that he sold his soul to demons and became one in turn. Others said that such evil as he could never have been human. That he was instead a nightmare, left lingering upon the earth a very long time ago.//Harry just knew it wasn't safe to walk near the Riddle House after dark. - Not just a fairytale AU, but a MYSTERY(!!!!) fairytale!AU. Okay, who’s gotten that I love mystery by now? This one is amazing, no matter how many puzzle pieces have slotted into place. The ride is a wild one and a great one. My second favourite Tomarry fic. I’d rank more of The_Fictionist’s higher, but they’ve deleted a lot of their old stuff, despite me absolutely adoring it.

United States v. Barnes, 617 F. Supp. 2d 143 (D.D.C. 2015) by fallingvoices & radialarch - MCU/Stucky - The Associated Press @AP//Winter Soldier set to stand trial for Washington D.C. massacre and treason apne.ws/1og6SWE - Both an epistolary/media fic and a case fic? Sign me tf up. Came out mere seconds (I exaggerate a little) after TWS, which I instantly fell in love with in theatres (still my fav MCU movie, folks). Details what a trial would be like for James Buchanan Barnes, should the MCU function more like real life, all in newspaper/tweet/blog form. Best way I’ve seen epistolary!fic formatted, tbh. Only on the AO3, huh?

The Mirror by cloudyjenn - Supernatural/Destiel - When Dean touches a strange mirror, he's whisked away to one alternate reality after another and it doesn't take him long to realize the universe is trying to tell him something. - I love dimension hopping. And it’s for my first ever hardcore fandom (besides Pokemon), too! I usually see dimension hopping more in sci-fi and superhero fandoms, so it was nice to see it in fantasy, too. A million alternate dimensions where Dean and Cas are in love. It’s definitely a message. :eyes emoji:

Stay With Me (home is where your mind is.) by sara_holmes - Marvel/Stony - Where Steve doesn’t quite die, ends up stranded in the multiverse and would quite like to know how the hell so many versions of himself ended up sleeping with Tony Stark. Well, that’s going to make things a tad awkward when he gets home. - Speaking of dimension hopping in superhero fandoms. This is honestly the most interesting way I’ve seen dimension hopping played out. Or rather, dimension consolidating. Steve ends up in a purgatory-style void populated only by other versions of himself from throughout the Multiverse. Like the Mirror, there’s definitely a message being sent here about how many versions of him are doing the do with a certain genius playboy billionaire philanthropist. 

Thicker than Water by StarkatHeart - Marvel/Stony/Superfamily - Neither of them would admit it, but blood does count for something.//When Peter Parker discovers his biological father is actually none other than Tony Stark, it's not exactly news that's well received. By either party. But they're Avengers. They're teammates. They'll just have to work through it. ...Or maybe just ignore it. - On a completely different note from Starker, or not-so-different, depending on how depraved you like your fic to be flavoured, Peter as Tony’s biological son. This is pure Superfamily, not a hint of fucked up incest to be found. Though if anyone has any fucked up incest recs, I’m down to get my dirty paws on them.

the undiscovered country by indigostohelit - Shakespeare/Hamratio - It's 1959, and the mayor of Chicago is dead. - Remember how I said indigo had written some of my fav fics before? Yeah, 1950’s Americana!AU Hamlet, with added Hamratio. It is as good as it sounds.

All of astolat’s GoT and Thor works TBH. But please don’t pass up her Thorki, especially not Chaos War and Revelations. 

Reaching as I Fall by apokteino - Supernatural/Destiel - “Service to God was the meaning of existence; service to Michael is nothing but slavery.” Castiel is part of an underground network helping angels fall, in resistance to heaven. At the same time that a fallen angel by the name of Dean Winchester turns up, some of those in the network are murdered by Michael’s forces – there’s a spy. What does Dean have to do with it? Who is Dean? And why are they hunting him so fiercely?//A story about love, family, and choice. - Let me introduce you to my favourite AU concept from all of SPN fandom. No, I won’t spoil it. Needless to say, I’ve tried to write it myself a thousand times, and only succeeded in a thousand false starts. Maybe one day I’ll get around to it. Plus, I always disagree with these authors, anyway. Dean is totally a bottom. ;P

I Got a Soul but I’m Not a Soldier by starandrea - Supernatural/Destiel - AU: Castiel is on the road (saving people, helping things) when he meets Dean and realizes that his soul is different - and not just because he's the pastor's son. - Here it is again, my favourite trope (well, I’d call it a trope, if there were more than a dozen or so fics for it). If you haven’t read RAIF, I’m wondering if you’ve caught on yet. ;P.

Chosen Man by Sineala - The Eagle/Marcus x Esca - The son of the man who lost the Eagle of the Ninth would never be allowed a first command of his very own fort, would he?//Marcus is posted not to Isca Dumnoniorum, but to a wretched and run-down garrison north of the Wall. There he finds that he is the new centurion of a group of scouts and spies, all of them British. He has few supplies and no experience. His men distrust him. His superiors despise him. His second-in-command is an incompetent drunkard. And the local tribes are determined to kill all of them.//But the worst thing of all is one of Marcus' soldiers. He is an enigmatic, dangerous, and insubordinate man by the name of Esca, who makes Marcus yearn for terrifying things he has never before wanted and can never, ever let himself have… - Sine pretty much engineered the Eagle fandom. 

I followed them from the Eagle and into all their other ventures, too, and when they started writing for Stony I practically screamed in excitement. PLEASE read their Stony, if it’s the only Stony you ever read.

The Leonardo Effect by Phoenike - Assassin’s Creed/EzioLeo - To Ezio’s best knowledge, Leonardo's idea of debauchery was staying up until morning with a bottle of wine and too many sketching supplies. But why would the gondolier have lied? It was a heavy accusation. In both Firenze and Venezia, mere allegations of unnatural conduct had condemned men to be pilloried or hanged. - My favourite EzioLeo fic of all time. Everything Phoe has ever written is a gem, but this one takes the cake. Have I said that already? A lot of cake is being taken. Please read. It’s the epitome of what makes EzioLeo good.

Naked to Mine Enemies by mundungus42 - Pirates of the Caribbean/Sparrington - The Pirate Code doesn't expressly command its adherents to repay debts that bridge life and death, but the Code is more of a set of guidelines, anyway. Sparrow/Norrington, set after At World's End, ignores all films released thereafter. - A classic fic for a classic ship. My ship pun both is and isn’t intended. I’d read this one over and over. Okay, I already do. Whenever I go back to Sparrington, I go back to this.

The Persistence of Iron by Sylvia - Marvel/X-Men Cinematic Universe/Cherik - Waking up in a lab with no memories and a blue-eyed stranger calling him by someone else's name is only the beginning of Erik's problems.- Sci-fi mystery. You don’t need to ask me to clarify at this point, do you? Cloning tech? CLONING TECH? DE-AGING CLONING TECH? So many favourite tropes.

Take the Heat Out of Me by quipquipquip - DCU/Jaydick - Lost Days!Jason trolls Officer Grayson!Dick in Blüdhaven. Dick counter-trolls with the power of love. (It's super effective.) - A classic Jaydick fic. I think it was quip’s last foray into fic. Under that name, at least. What a bang to go out with.

Don’t Quote Me by TKodami - DCU/Superbat/WIP - Bruce Wayne has weathered scandal before, and Wayne Enterprises can handle another publicity crisis. What Bruce can’t handle is one crashing up against his plans to infiltrate Lex’s estate. Set during Batman v. Superman. - There’s that more Superbat. I’m sure… one day… the author will finish it. It’s a goddamn sex tape scandal!fic. Glorious.

Speaking of, every Superbat fic by Liodain. 

In This White Wave I Am Sinking by queeniegalore - Generation Kill/Bradray - He felt like he wasn’t really living, like he was in an in-between state, something that came between war and real life, something like purgatory. - The atmosphere for this is consistently beautiful and bittersweet. 

Okay, that’s about it for now. Save for an honourable mention to one of the fics that I started off with in the SPN fandom. I’d honour some more, but most everything’s been purged at this point. Come on, 2012!fandom, stop hiding behind how “cringe” you think shit was. I want my fic back.

Pull Me Under by AwesomeDistractions -- a Destiel handprint!kink WIP.

And finally, the most honourable mention, the first slash fic I ever read, from the Pokemon fandom, of all places. Originalshipping horror/mystery!AU. Wow, my tastes have always been, well, my tastes. Believe it or not, best place I can find it is a Waybackmachine archive of a creepypasta uploading site that went defunct a while back. I never found out the original author. But here it is, Missing, the first ever slash fic I stumbled across.

If you guys want more, I can definitely provide more. I have thousands of bookmarks. These are just my very, very favourites. What ones are still remaining on AO3, anyway. This is why I save most in PDFs. Though there are a few completely lost to time, and I’m pretty sure the OTW says fuck you to Waybackmachine, which. Uhghgh. Please. I want my nostalgia rush back.

[the-bounce-back]

BEING ‘SINGLE SINGLE’ - LESSONS LEARNED FROM FOCUSING ON MYSELF

Well, hey there. It’s been a while.

As I’m sure you all will appreciate and understand, March was an extremely hot mess in many ways, but mainly due to how COVID-19 showed up and started ruining everyone’s lives, and my motivation to write has been very limited due to stress and anxiety over how the situation is unfolding (please stay safe and at home!). However, I have finally somewhat adjusted to the situation and started to feel kind of normal again, so… I’m back like I never left. We love to see it.

I should point out that this post has been on my mind since, like, late December, and I started writing it in the middle of February after I finished the Confidence Chronicles. As the effects of Miss Rona started to become even more prominent in our everyday lives, I wanted to rewrite some of the parts so it would become more relevant to what is currently going on before publishing it… so without further ado, let’s get into it.

If you’re in my age group, I’m sure you will understand and agree that there are different ‘categories’ of being single, and all these levels are immensely different if you get political and look at the specific details of them. For the purpose of clarity and to illustrate, I (personally) would dub these categories as such:

*Single and MiNgLiNg: You’re not tied down to anyone. You’re talking to, seeing and doing whatever you want, with whoever you want, whenever you want. You’re living your best, unbothered life. Feelings are/have become an alien concept to you. I respect it. Gwarn with your bad self.

*Single (but not really): You’re technically single, but there’s someone (or someones, if you’re so inclined) that you’re into and that you’re secretly hoping things will work out with so that you can leave this ghetto that we call the gAmE. I’d say that this is the category where most situationships reside in, before eventually dying out or graduating to an actual relationship. I hate this category, because it is literally the worst: everyone has different opinions on what can and can’t run, and from what I’ve seen it usually just ends up in someone getting hurt.

*Single-ish: kind of like the previous category, but the main difference is that although there might be someone you want things to work out with, you’re grudgingly talking to other people as well in case things go sour. Either to protect your own feelings or out of sheer boredom because the person you want isn’t stepping up in the way you want them to. You probably even try to convince yourself that these other people are better options than the one(s) you actually want, but deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. Sigh. A mess.

And finally, the namesake of this post:

*Single single (aka ‘Single and not looking’): You’ve completely distanced yourself from trying to get to know someone, for whatever reason. You have no interest in changing this anytime soon. Your phone is drier than your hands during this epidemic (cream your hands after washing them… please). 

Up until very recently, I have considered myself single single. This came to pass after things not working out with the person that I wanted, after floating between the single (but not really) and single-ish categories for what felt like eons. I’m not even going to lie, it hurt - but I’m glad it happened. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been able to write this post and share what I’ve learnt from taking a step back and choosing to focus on myself, and I definitely wouldn’t have elevated to this completely new level of confidence the way I have.

The choice to cut all romantic/physical ties off for a while came when I was overanalysing the situation for the trillionth time. I realised that ever since the age of 16, I have always been involved with someone in some way - whether it’s literally just talking or something more. That’s literally almost a decade of my life that I’ve let boys/men live rent-free in my head… Ew. I know, very embarrassing. As if that embarrassment isn’t enough, I soon realised that there must be a correlation between how low my self-esteem, self-confidence and perception of self-worth used to be and the men I’ve had to deal with in my short life so far. I recognised that the craving for male attention and validation that I thought I had eliminated was, in reality, still very much intact after things ended with the person I wanted. I almost got angry at myself for feeling so empty and worthless after it ended, because I genuinely thought that I was stronger than this. 

It’s all good, though - these past few months that have been spent realigning my focus in life, my personal goals and my own dreams have been so crucial to my growth as an independent woman that doesn’t need a man to feel whole. I had already come very far in this inner work (as you will tell from my previous posts), but having this time being completely alone definitely reinforced the things I already knew, but was struggling to apply to my life. I have learnt so many invaluable things about myself and what I want in a relationship in general, so let's get it.

1. I will - shock horror - not die if I don’t get attention.

This is definitely the first realisation I had after my initial decision to not talk to men anymore. As childish as it sounds, I didn’t realise how weird it would be to go from constantly being gassed by someone whose opinion I cared about a little too much… to literal radio silence.

This is how I know that this decision came at the right time of my life, because I genuinely don’t think I would’ve been able to cope without constant attention and validation a few years ago. Honestly, I was like Tinkerbell - on the verge of perishing every time I didn’t get the energy I believed (and still believe!) I deserved when I was looking nice. It’s very embarrassing and almost comical how much it used to ruin my day if I didn’t get some kind of comment about how pRetTy I am, and I’m so grateful to myself that I got out of that mindset before committing to being alone. If you’ve read my post about how to have a healthy relationship (if not, find it here), you might remember that I talked about how freeing myself from the perception that attention, affection and validation from men being something needed to survive in this life was one of the best realisations I’ve ever had. This is still entirely true, and not being involved with anyone has even made me even more of an advocate for this. 

I feel like I’ve discussed the importance of building your confidence to death during my confidence series, so I’m not going to delve too deep into it here. But if you haven’t read those posts, the most important takeaway is that confidence and a deep belief in your own sauce comes from within, and gradually breaking down your insecurities with positivity, a willingness to think about/confront your demons, taking the time to get to know yourself properly, and giving yourself the love and accolades you know you deserve. At no point whatsoever did I mention the approval of men (or whoever you’re attracted to). With this in mind, I can definitely say that this deep love and appreciation I’ve been feeling for myself lately has 100% stemmed from me truly believing in it, as opposed to partially based in forcing myself to believe it and partially based in expecting validation from whoever I’m dealing with.

Furthermore, I’ve officially gotten to the point where the compliments I give myself have started to slap harder than compliments/attention from men, and it’s made me feel extremely empowered and like I have a newfound appreciation for myself. They mean more for the following reasons:

* They’re largely focused on aspects of my personality, mindset, abilities and intelligence - as opposed to just empty comments on my physical features/body.

*The only ulterior motive I have with giving myself compliments is to improve my mental health and confidence, since I don’t need to get into my own good books first to off my own pant.

Whew. All tea/shade/offence intended!

All jokes aside - regardless of if you’re in a relationship, talking to someone or happily single, I’d definitely recommend asking yourself if you’d still feel the same way about yourself if you didn’t get attention or validation on a regular basis. If the answer is no, then I’d definitely recommend asking yourself why that is (and reading/rereading my Confidence Chronicles series). 

2. I’m really productive when I don’t have any distractions.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve missed smiling and giggling at my phone like a smiling and giggling idiot. I’ve also missed communicating solely with dark memes, as this is one of my love languages. For those reasons, not talking to anyone kind of sucked at times. 

However, much like cutting junk food out of your diet - it gets easier the longer you stick to it, and after some time you’ll realise that you’re probably better off without it. Honestly. The amount of time I’ve freed up from not constantly being on my phone to have pointless giggly conversations about absolutely nothing is actually insane, and before Corona came into the picture, I was extremely productive (not to say that I’m no longer productive… but I may or may not have been doing 48h Netflix binges every few days now that everything is closed). 

I’ve spent more time brainstorming blog ideas. My art has drastically improved. I’ve started to lose the depression weight I put on. My skin has cleared up. I’m currently learning eight new languages. I’m writing a whole BOOK. I’ve taken time to update my career plan. And last but not least - I’ve spent a lot of time healing and looking to the future as opposed to dwelling on the past and things that I am unable to change.

Having time to myself - especially while being in a better frame of mind than other times I’ve found myself alone - has reinforced the knowledge of how much I can accomplish and how good I can feel about myself outside of a relationship. This isn’t news to me, at all. But if I had realised how much of a difference being completely solo dolo would have to my productivity and motivation, I definitely would’ve chosen to cut everyone off ages ago… however, the timing in this case has been impeccable. Committing to be alone after going through over a year of inner work and self-healing has allowed me to both appreciate the confidence and resilience I’ve been rebuilding on a completely new level, as well as be able to take a step back and fully enjoy the peacefulness of not having to constantly have someone to worry/overthink about outside of myself and my own goals/projects.

3. I’m a really f*cking cool person to hang out with.

This realisation came long before I decided to not talk to men, to be honest. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been an ambivert - meaning that as much as I love spending time with friends, I highly value my alone time as well. Regardless of if I’m just Netflixing, writing, drawing or imagining fake scenarios in my head that will never happen (unless, of course, my book becomes a bestseller and I end up on Ellen), I always have a fantastic time being alone. It’s my time to recharge, dissect my thoughts and feelings, and not have to deal with anyone else for a bit.

When I first decided to be completely single, one of my main goals was to commit to being comfortable alone regardless of the situation. I’ve always been comfortable taking myself to see a movie or on a nice café date, but I really wanted to push myself to the next level of iNdEpEnDeNcE. I went to a couple gigs and a couple tourist attractions alone earlier this year when no one could/wanted to go, and I had the best time ever. Honestly, I was living the dream. Those experiences made me start planning the cute little solo holidays I was going to go on and restaurants I wanted to take myself to, and I was getting really excited. But then, of course, Corona came and ruined everything, so my plans have been put on hold indefinitely.

With that being said, I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss going out for cute little dates with someone I’m seeing/in a relationship with. Some of my favourite memories are gigs, day trips and holidays with someone else. But I think once I chose to ignore the social norms in place that dub doing things alone as “weird” - and overcome feeling “weird” as I’ve done things alone - I’ve definitely felt more excited to schedule in quality time with myself. I personally can’t wait for this Rona nonsense to be over so I can resume planning my art/architecture trip.

“But Liv! How did you overcome the feelings of awkwardness and weirdness when you went out? How did you overcome the anxiety that people were looking at/judging you?”

Excellent question. The answer is hard drugs and loads of alcohol.

I’m kidding. I don’t think the anxiety ever fully goes away, since we’ve been so hardwired to see people without a group as an outcast or even a threat. But at some point I just decided to focus on enjoying myself, as opposed to worrying about what the people I’d never see again around me felt.

(Also… alcohol definitely helps. Drink responsibly, kids.)

4. Apparently I have a massive saviour complex?

I think most people that have known me for a long time or at least taken the time to get to know me properly would agree that I am a huge empath. I have always been highly perceptive of other peoples’ feelings, emotions and moods, and I am instinctively inclined to ensure that people feel seen and heard after speaking with me about whatever they needed to vent/get advice about. This, because I’m obviously a huge advocate of normalising talking about mental health struggles, and because I genuinely enjoy sensing that they feel better after confiding in me.

Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say that being an empath is a bad thing - in fact, these traits are some of the things I like the most about myself. But taking a step back from any kind of relationship/situationship has made me suddenly and painfully aware that my high levels of empathy may not be based in a fundamental kindness as I initially thought. In fact, part of it - and I have no idea how large this part is - may be due to a severe saviour complex, and therefore based in an inherent selfishness. 

Yes, I know it’s confusing. Me too, I’m confused. Hear me out. 

Sometimes I get so carried away while writing about all the ways that I’ve healed and bettered myself after my previous relationship… so much that I forget I had issues I was going to counselling for before he ruined everything and the sessions became all about getting over him. I genuinely forget sometimes that I had a life before I even knew he even existed, which just goes to show how large of an impact it had on me. Very sad, I know. 

The stuff I was going to counselling for at the time had me in a very dark place, and looking back at it the breakup was kind of a blessing in disguise for my brain. I definitely think that refocusing my energy to heal from the relationship protected me from having to face certain aspects of myself that I wasn’t ready to deal with at the time.

Fast forward to a couple years later - I consider myself fully healed from the situation. I’ve learnt so much about myself, my mental health, relationships and love in general, and for a good year or so I was meeting new people and starting to think about a potential new relationship. I met some great people (and a couple nutcases) that things didn’t end up working out with, but I didn’t really mind that things weren’t going perfectly because I had hEaLeD™, and I had proved to myself that I could move on… so sh*t was sweet for a while. 

However, when I decided to go on this dating hiatus, something I didn’t expect at all happened:

The issues, thoughts and feelings I was initially going to counselling for - before the breakup - started to come back to my attention. And this time, there was nowhere to run and nothing/nobody to distract me.

At this point in time, being forced to face these issues genuinely doesn’t feel as hard as it used to, as I have grown and matured a lot since when I first started feeling these things at around 14/15. I can think about things without it ruining the rest of my day, and I can put words to the feelings I struggled so much to verbalise back then. But regardless of how much easier it is now, it’s still f*cking hard - and this is what brings me back to my point about having a saviour complex.

The term “saviour complex” implies a deep rooted need to save/help people by fixing their problems - often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. Some would even go as far as saying that these “saviours” go out of their way to help others so they don’t have to deal with their own thoughts and feelings, and the more I think about it the more painfully obvious it is that perhaps my inclination to help people - and especially those that I’ve been involved with in some way - comes from a place of selfishness and an immense desire to not have to think about my own troubles.

This has definitely been a scary epiphany for me, and old habits have made me focus on the negative side of constantly trying to help and empathise with people. It’s made me question my entire character, in the sense that the traits that I’ve admired the most about myself might just be a defence mechanism so I don’t have to deal with my own sh*t. However, on the other hand, I’ve been spending a lot of energy reminding myself that regardless of what the truth is - if I ever figure it out - I’ve still been able to help people that have needed someone to be there for them, so does it even really matter what the reasons are at the end of the day? Probably not. I really need to keep working on getting out of my own head sometimes.

With that being said, being alone - whether it’s being single or temporarily for this lockdown - really forces you to face yourself and accept that maybe you don’t have everything as together as you thought, and that’s okay. As long as you acknowledge/fully feel your thoughts and feelings instead of dismissing them out of discomfort, the outcome can only be emotional growth and maturity.

5. My next relationship is going to be phenomenal.

Arguably to my disadvantage, and despite experiencing how peaceful and stress-free being completely single is… I still want love in my life, as long as it is on the right terms and healthy for both of us. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that, at the end of the day… or a sick masochist.

I say this, but I know that all this work I’ve put into rebuilding and elevating myself will - when the time is right - bring someone amazing into my life, that will fully love my confidence, my imperfections and everything else about me that makes me, me. I have so much faith in this that for now, I’m really just chilling and going about my life and my own goals, as well as trusting the process. I feel no stress or anxiety about it anymore whatsoever, and I never thought I’d ever get to this point of calmness. It really is a great feeling to know that the next person lucky enough to be in a relationship with me is going to be nothing short of an additional blessing in my life (and I to theirs), because I am now no longer willing to compromise on or overlook toxic/unhealthy/bad vibes in whoever I end up with. For this reason, I would once again like to reiterate how grateful I am to myself for realising that this time alone was something I needed (and actually sticking to it) - it really has made me feel invincible.

The beautiful thing about all of these realisations is that you don’t even have to be as drastic as me (in terms of cutting the person/the people you’re talking to off) to get into a better headspace when it comes to relationships. If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with/dealing with someone that respects, loves and encourages your individuality, allocating quality time to spend with yourself shouldn’t even need to be justified. Obviously, a lot of relationships don’t really have a choice besides giving each other space during this lockdown, but even so I don’t think that time apart should be seen as a strain or a risk to the relationship. I feel so strongly about this that I’ve realised that I can’t even be with someone who doesn’t understand the importance of being our own, separate people who choose to form a team, as opposed to two incomplete individuals who are reliant on each other to feel whole.

With that being said, my biggest realisation and takeaway from this time alone is this:

My next relationship will not “complete” me; it will simply compliment my already existing wholeness.

Read that again.

Now - I know we’re all sick and tired of being cooped up in our houses. But we literally have all the time in the world to spend quality time with ourselves, so why not do so? Now is the perfect time for reflection, g-checking yourself, positive affirmations and self-love. I promise that you’ll come out of this lockdown feeling so much better about yourself.

Stay safe (and stay home)!

Love,

Liv

[recentanimenews]

Bookshelf Briefs 11/28/17

It’s a cornucopia of briefs!

Ace of the Diamond, Vol. 6 | By Yuji Terjima | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – Training camp continues, and the coach has arranged for some practice games right afterwards, the better to gauge how well the first years play when exhausted. For Furuya, the answer is initially “not well,” but he never loses his determination, and once he swallows his pride and asks Miyuki for advice, finally internalizes the truth that, at Seido, he’s got teammates who are going to back him up, even if the batter does manage to get a hit. Eijun’s fun and everything, but Furuya is not your typical shounen protagonist, and I’m pleased that he’s getting his share of attention. I also liked that the boys hang out some with varsity teammates we’ve barely glimpsed, and we learn how awesome the captain is. I am already relishing the thought of future marathon rereads of this series. It’s a keeper for sure. – Michelle Smith

Cells at Work!, Vol. 5 | By Akane Shimizu | Kodansha Comics – Once again, Red Blood Cell is absent from this volume except a brief cameo. This allows us to focus our attention on the ‘normal cell’ from prior volumes, who still has a tendency to do dumb things on impulse. Fortunately, the cute adorable bacteria he’s harboring in his room are the GOOD kind of bacteria. Unfortunately, his attempt to get them to where they can do good is thwarted by a host of crises from which White Blood Cell and company must rescue him, most notably the return of Cancer Cell, who brings back the ethical ambiguity to the series as he asks essentially “are the needs of the many less important than the needs of the one?” The one being the body. This was a lot of fun. – Sean Gaffney

Delicious in Dungeon, Vol. 3 | By Ryoko Kui| Yen Press – The cast expands a bit in this third volume. We see one of our team’s old comrades, who left them due to actually wanting to get paid, and the complicated relationship she has with them, particularly Marcille, and it’s made clear she’s not a bad guy—everyone has their own needs and drives. As for Marcille, we also get a flashback to her school days, which shows how she met Laios’ sister (still being digested by a dragon, if you recall), which is rather cute. And of course more ridiculously gross yet amusing monster recipes. And plenty of humor, as it turns out tentacles can be peeled sort of like bananas. Still good, though I’d like to get the sister rescued or declare her dead. – Sean Gaffney

The Full-Time Wife Escapist, Vol. 6 | By Tsunami Umino | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – It was inevitable that Mikuri and Hiramasa would discover that they are in love with each other, but I am still kind of surprised that it actually happened. It’s lovely to see him grinning like a doofus at the office after an evening of fooling around, but I appreciate that the transition into a real marriage isn’t exactly going to be smooth. Mikuri is worried, for example, that she’ll be expected to do the same amount of work for free, while Hiramasa worries about his waning sex drive. Somehow I doubt we’ll ever see the latter issue addressed Everyone’s Getting Married! I also really enjoyed the scenes where Mikuri’s aunt and Kazami get to know each other better—I wholeheartedly approve of them hooking up! – Michelle Smith

Haikyu!!, Vol. 17 | By Haruichi Furudate | Viz Media – And so our heroes pull it off, and get to advance, while Aoba Johsai has to suffer an ignominious defeat. This is done in the best possible shonen way, with lots of noble tears and resolve to get even stronger. The cliches don’t FEEL like cliches—the author is adept at making this feel fresh even when you know where every plot beat is going to be. And so it’s on to the finals, and I suspect this game may drag on a while, as it’s a best 3-sets-of-5 game. Their opponent is Shiratorizawa, who I’m sure we’ll find out more about as we move on, but who clearly have one player who’s REALLY good, and the volume ends with our heroes down by quite a bit. I think they’ll come back, though. Just a hunch. – Sean Gaffney

Hana & Hina After School, Vol. 3 | By Milk Morinaga | Seven Seas – This turns out to be the final volume, and honestly you get the sense it was cut a bit short—the last half feels rushed. Of course, considering all we were getting before that was a slow-burning pile of angst, it might be best that it got the push. Morinaga Milk has always been better at fluffy than angsty, so it comes as something of a relief when our two heroines finally get over the whole “is it just me? Did she mean it when she said she’s not that way?” drama and get together (in all respects—as with previous MM titles, there’s a brief, not-that-explicit sex scene here). In the end, this was a cute read, but I’ve seen better yuri from this author. – Sean Gaffney

Horimiya, Vol. 9 | By Hero and Daisuke Hagiwara | Yen Press – Horimiya has always tried to be at least slightly more realistic than a lot of romance manga, and thus watching Yuki’s ongoing angst regarding her lies and deceit and how it’s impacting other people is particularly painful. I’m not really all that sure I want her to win here, even though the alternative will also suck. On the bright side, Hori and Morimiya are doing better than ever, and as Hori is forced to think about her future—something which she seemed to have given not a single thought to—but she realizes here that no matter what she does, she wants to be with Miyamura. This leads to a sort of adorable reverse proposal, which fits the general characterization. Still good, but I hope it’s wrapping up soon. – Sean Gaffney

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders, Vol. 5 | By Hirohiko Araki | Viz Media And so, finally, JoJo’s has run up against my ability to get 500+ words out of each volume. Yes, this is the first volume to get a Brief rather than a full review, and I put the blame entirely on the rambling Road To Cairo plot that Araki has chosen to use this time around. Individual moments are as striking as ever—I felt the killer baby was more interesting as a killer within dreams than in the real world, and the surprise non-death of a character feels a bit cheap. But JoJo’s still has its bizarre visuals and grotesque violence, and as long as it keeps that up it should stay interesting, even if Jotaru continues to be the dullest Jo we’ve had to date. – Sean Gaffney

Kiss & White Lily for My Dearest Girl, Vol. 4 | By Canno | Yen Press – Most sports manga fail to show the heroes moving on to a professional career, with a few exceptions like Captain Tsubasa. In reality, a lot of sports careers end just the way we see Mizuki’s end here—she comes close to the Nationals, but doesn’t make it, and realizes that this is it, she has to stop doing track and decide on an actual career. There’s also her relationship with Moe, which may actually be hindering her for a spell—it’s gotten to the point where she forgets running was fun—but eventually proves stronger than both thought, and we get a proposal (of sorts) and a kiss. This is a bit stronger than Hana & Hina, even if it’s just as fluffy, and I’m pleased to see it continue. – Sean Gaffney

Log Horizon: The West Wind Brigade, Vol. 7 | By Koyuki and Mamare Touno | Yen Press – The comedy is kept to a minimum here, as we get the more dramatic parts of the third and fourth novel, intermixed with how it’s affecting the West Wind Brigade. Kawara’s on the cover, and we get a bit more insight into her character—basically, she’s an instinctual fighter but a bit of an idiot who got into the game because she wanted to be a shonen hero, and the West Wind Brigade was the only one that would take her in. It does also show off her strengths as well, though. That said, easily the most interesting part is the ending, where we get a surprise appearance by a seemingly insane Nureha, who’s met by a battle-crazy Soujiro. I want to see how this battle turns out. – Sean Gaffney

My Hero Academia, Vol. 10 | By Kohei Horikoshi | Viz Media – I appreciate that Horikoshi is willing to let Bakugo be a completely unlikable jerk, driven by rage and jealousy and every single negative emotion, and yet still show that he realizes the difference between good and evil—that he’s decided that he wants to be a HERO rather than a villain, even if that means going against what comes more naturally. It’s a terrific scene that really made me like him. On the flip side, the disguises used to infiltrate Evil HQ are hilarious, particularly Deku and Momo. The humor is needed, as this is something of a grim arc, especially with the arrival of a Bigger Bad towards the end. This volume shows off everything that has made this the hot new Jump title. – Sean Gaffney

Nisekoi: False Love, Vol. 24 | By Naoshi Komi | Viz Media – Even though it’s obvious Onodera’s going to lose, give credit to the author for not making it easy. She and Raku have really developed a close relationship, and even if it’s not romantic I hope they can stay friends. More to the point, the fact that Onodera is willing to help Raku track down Chitoge by FLYING TO AMERICA with him (because Chitoge has, like many tsundere heroines in denial, literally run halfway across the Earth to escape her love issues) shows off her truly ridiculous kindness. There’s the last popularity poll in this book, and Chitoge and Onodera are separated by barely 100 votes. That’s impressive for a harem title. In any case, it wraps up next time, so keep reading. – Sean Gaffney

One Piece, Vol. 84 | By Eiichiro Oda | VIZ Media – It’s been a while since we had a volume that focused on further sad backstory for one of the Straw Hat crew, but that’s what we get here, with many hard-to-read scenes about Sanji’s abuse at the hands of his family, intercut with a silly fight in which Luffy defeats a bunch of cracker soldiers by eating them. Because Big Mom is threatening to kill Chef Zeff if he doesn’t comply, Sanji is forced to both insult and attack Luffy in an attempt to get him to abort the rescue, but of course this doesn’t work. In addition to this riveting drama, there’s also the question of whether Pudding (Sanji’s seemingly sympathetic bride-to-be) can actually be trusted, more information about the ponegliffs (yay!), and a glimpse at the unintended consequences of toppling Doflamingo. Plus, Brook actually gets something important to do! This series is still excellent. – Michelle Smith

By: Michelle Smith