#ingwe: fuck around and find out

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Finwe is fearfully dreading the day that Miriel/Miriel’s parents come out of the hall bc he knows for him it will be over.

What morgoth did to him won’t even compare to what they are going to do.

[madtomedgar]

some fucking ridiculous elf hc shenanigans! by me and @fidelishaereticus

Fid pointed out that the Valar probably forgot to elf-proof Valinor before the Elves got there. Like... they’d made it Really Pretty, but there were things like: extremely acidic hot springs and open lava pits. And some fool (probably a Teler but the timeline suggests a Noldo) like... dove into the hotspring and immediately disintegrated, and the Valar were so embarrassed and upset by this that they immediately reembodied them. Thus the Elves of Aman learn that dying just means you get a new bod. And pretty quickly start abusing this. The Noldor keep blowing themselves up “for science,” the Teleri are just like “hold my beer, watch this,” the Vanyar keep (legit accidentally) falling off Taniquetil (guardrails, people!), it’s a mess, and Namo is Not Amused.

A new rule is put in place that accidental deaths don’t get automatic reembodiment, they have to wait something ridiculous like 100 years or 500 years or whatever. This really cuts down on the Noldor blowing themselves up “for science” and on the Teleri... well, being themselves.

And then a toddler falls down 18 flights of stone steps and breaks his neck.

Namo points to the sign where the accidental-death rule is prominently displayed and tells the grieving parent to return in the ordained amount of time. Adds some quip about “well, in 500 years when he gets out, he’ll think twice before doing ballet at the top of the stairs in a tall tower” because the Valar don’t know what babies are, do not actually grasp that these are not just tiny adults, and have no concept of what happens when you put yourself between a parent and child.

It doesn’t help that the toddler in question was Feanor.

Finwe loses it. He just lost his wife in a way that was decidedly NOT supposed to happen, now his kid falls down the stairs and not only will Namo not give him back, he’s acting like it’s Finwe’s fault for not watching the child more closely. 

Once word gets around that the accidental-death policy applies to elflings as well, the entire elven population of Aman flips.

The Teleri are trying to unmoor their island and go back because what, sincerely, the fuck, the Vanyar are all wailing, and the Noldor are trying to figure out if they can a) make a new body for this poor baby all on their own and b) if they can break into Mandos and bust him out. Finwe camps out outside the Halls like “I live here now,” despite Namo being like “you cannot “live” here as everyone here is definitionally not alive wtf go away,” and is quickly joined by many many more Noldor, kicking off OCCUPY MANDOS (they have signs).

Manwe is trying to get Eru on the phone but Eru isn’t picking up and the voicemail is full, so eventually calls a meeting to figure out What To Do because literally every single Elf is furious and sad and this is not what was supposed to happen. Ingwe is called in to give a powerpoint presentation on what the fuck is a child, since the Valar... have no concept of that, since they were never children and don’t reproduce. 

Meanwhile, tiny Feanor isn’t even mad, he just thinks it’s swell he gets to spend some quality time with mom and hasn’t gotten around to asking if he can go home or when dad is going to join them. Namo looks at this and goes “the kid doesn’t seem like he even wants to go, what’s the big deal, everyone calm down, jeez,” and Ingwe has to refer back to the part of the powerpoint where it is explained why 3 year olds are not allowed to make their own decisions about most important things. In general, the Valar find the entire concept of childhood alien and vaguely disturbing, and Namo remains unmoved.

Aule joins OCCUPY MANDOS, as does Yavanna. Ulmo and Orome think it’s proably for the best to just let the kid out, since everything is going to shit. 

Eventually, Namo, who is neck-deep in a slippery-slope argument, is overruled, and Manwe declares the new rule is that children who die in accidents will be immediately re-embodied, and adolescents (Ingwe gave them the numbers and they just copied them down and accepted it at that point) will have a shorter waiting period. Tiny Feanor is released! The faith of the Vanyar and Teleri is restored! The faith of the Noldor is... mostly restored.

Feanor comes out of this with an extremely zealous attachment to both Finwe, who he forever sees as having saved his life, Miriel, who he actually got to meet, a healthy does of “the Valar ain’t shit,” coupled with an unfortunate “I’m super special” take-away. 

Maedhros, as a toddler, also thinks it’s fun times to do ballet at the top of a bunch of stairs and falls. Nerdanel freaks out the proper amount. Feanor completely loses it because “what if they don’t let our baby out, they weren’t going to let me out, what if our baby dies and then we never get them back!” etc etc. Maedhros does not in fact die. Maedhros is pretty durable, and Este is good at her job.

Fingon, however, is 110% that kid who thinks superman pjs confer flight ability. Fingon wants to be an eagle. Fingon spends weeks collecting eagle feathers. Fingon, like a Good Noldo, carefully uses said eagle feathers, along with some sticks and glue, to craft a pair of wings. Fingon then jumps off the roof. Splat. Fingon is of course immediately reembodied with no fuss because new rules are new rules (and because Manwe feels personally responsible for this one). Feanor decides that this is proof of a conspiracy against him amongst the Valar, since they weren’t even going to reembody him when his accident was much more legit, but they reembody Nolofinwe’s stupid child no problem (really makes you think). 

And this is why Namo hates children.