#infinitesongsforhersmile

[nicotinemaiden]

I almost do

[Infinite Songs for her Smile - Ch.20]

[TW: depression, suicide, self-harm]

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And I just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't… I almost do.

[Taylor Swift]

The voices... kept talking. They kept talking and talking and talking. It was an uninterrupted sound on the back of his mind, always constant, always present. Some days they were just a whisper, a quiet murmur easily ignorable, easily replaceable. Other nights, like tonight, they were shouting, crowding his thoughts with things he couldn't hear, memories he shouldn't remember.

The peaceful and silent room acted like a stadium for them, a microphone where he wanted to scream, where he wanted to accept what they were saying to him and repeat the dreadful memories out loud just to see if that way they would shut up. Maybe if he followed their orders, if he embraced the pain his own mind was inflicting, he would be free.

He always dreamed of freedom. Not the kind of freedom someone in jail would wish for, not the kind of freedom a key could grant. He dreamed of total freedom. Being free from himself. Being free from his voices. Being free from the demon he knew he carried inside. The demon he himself caged away and the same demon that once in a time would break out and ask of him things he didn't want to do or say.

He knew he was foolish. That beast was part of himself and, while he stayed alive, so would it. For that reason, he dreamed of real freedom. Painless freedom.

He didn't want to force himself to smile anymore. He didn't want others to smile at him as if everything was right. He didn't want to lie, not to the people that earned his trust at last. He didn't want the pain of seeing her look at him without any barriers just to answer her with a hidden wall that, luckily, worked both ways. She was the only person, the only thing in the world he'd known that could silence the voices. The only way they would just… shut up.

And, as it happened so many times before, his feet carried him to her door. He looked at it: an ornate white wooden door, completely shut. He imagined himself walking past it, without permission, without a valid reason. He imagined telling her everything the voices told him, every fault, every kill and death that weighted his conscience. He imagined her taking his hand, stroking his hair, mumbling sweet words to his ear and making everything, every voice except hers, disappear. (She would hate you. If she knew every person you’ve killed and how you’ve enjoyed it every time she won’t ever look at you again. She would only see your demon. She would only see your true self.)

And the voices were right. Or not. He didn’t even know who he was anymore. He didn’t even know if he was more than his beast - if there was really a part of him worth saving. He realized, as every time before this one, that no, there really wasn’t and so, he continued walking. It wasn't fair, not to her at least.

He didn't even know what came before: Him falling in love with her or her making the voices disappear. Yet he was sure as hell he didn't want to use her, he didn't want to think he fell in love because of that and so he was building more and more walls between them.

That was also somewhat unfair and he was conscious of it. But this way was better, he repeated himself. Again and again, between the voices. (You don't really deserve anyone, least of all her. You are, after all, a cold blood murderer, a mercenary, a slave. Your own life doesn't belong to you, why would you think of giving it to anyone? Your hands are dirty, your words are tainted with lies. Someday they will come for you, they will make an example, they will hang your mutilated body on the main entrance, where everyone can see what happens to people like you.)

And wouldn't that be a pleasure? Knowing he can't feel anymore. Knowing all his past errors are paid for and forgotten. Knowing no one would really miss him… it almost made him smile. He wasn't needed in the world, his existence until now has just been selfish, searching for a reason to live. So selfish it was that he found one. One that allowed him to live more than four extra years. One that allowed him to be walking on the tiles of the roof at this very moment.

He stopped counting the times he found himself up there after the eleventh. There had been so many. Not all on the same roof, just the same situation, different elevated places.

He liked to look at the sky, wondering if they'd accept someone like him in their ranks. Yet he preferred looking at the floor, wondering, measuring how much would cost if he took an extra step. No one would really believe he was clumsy enough to fall but did it really matter?

Not to him, it would be too late for him. It seemed so easy, so simple… The voices kept telling him. (You'll be doing the world a favour, they would rejoice, some would even dance on top of your corpse.) He knew that wasn't completely right. He felt loved and accepted here. But it wasn't worth rebating it because part of him believed it. Part of him was sure he was just a hindrance.

He counted his breaths slowly, one by one.

In. (People who trust you can only end up killed.)

Out. (You already know it, it happened before.)

In. (It happened again last week and won’t be the last.)

Out. (Why are you alive and not them? Are you better? Did you teach them enough?)

In. (Why didn’t you protect them? They had families, they had all their life to live. Things you have not. And yet, here you are.)

He stopped breathing, he stopped counting.

His arm was bleeding, his skin torn apart by his own nails in an effort to feel a different kind of pain. It was impressive he didn’t realize until now, the mixture of lines above his wrist, vertical and horizontal. The red was such a contrast to the ones that had already faded. At least this time they won’t leave scars, at least this time his knife was still carefully sheathed. He wasn’t ready to explain why in case someone found out. He wasn’t ready to talk about him, about his past and about his present. And least of all was he ready to talk about how he wasn’t sure he could see a future. Not for himself.

He clutched his chest, almost kneeling, without a way to calm the voices, the feelings that blinded him. Looking once more at the stars he wondered how could the sky be so bright and clean when he was in the middle of a raging storm? (You don't want to live.) Yet he did. (You don't want the pain.) He did not. (You have nothing to offer.) He didn’t know, he wasn’t sure, he wanted to - so much. 

Between the black that flooded his mind, he could see a bit of red, a bit of green and he reached for it while his feet paced the tiles once again. The colours… they made a formless cluster which said warm words, worried words. They smelt of gauzes and medicines. They showed her hands, lightly touching his scars, apologizing without words for not being there when they were made. He could almost touch them, stop them from their work because, really, it wasn’t worth it. Yet he could actually see her below him, her red mane of hair decorating her balcony, searching for something in the courtyard.

He looked at her for a minute, his mind soothed for the first time that night, the voices lowered but not quiet. She was wearing a golden dressing gown nuanced in black. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen her on it and, like the first time, he couldn’t stop thinking how beautiful it seemed on top of her skin, a cascade of stars. It would mix so well here, at his side, higher than every other building and accompanied solely by its sisters on the horizon.

He almost called to her.

(You are a coward. You're only going to annoy her, to ruin her night. Look at you, crying, screaming in silence. Do you really think you’re what she needs right now?)

Almost.

[nicotinemaiden]

My mistake

And if I knew the words that you sold me Covered up the truth you've been holding I would learn to let you go Before we travelled down this road Now all I have is ignorance to blame But I guess that was my mistake

[Nico Collins]

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The first time was a mistake.

At least that was what she kept telling herself the morning after when the influence of the alcohol had disappeared completely from her body and all the memories of the night before returned to her. They were still a bit hazy, clearing slowly with every passing second.

To her side the bare back of a well-known friend rested against her, the shadows the waking sun projected over it emphasizing his muscles and the scars that were there before she could do anything for them. She found the urge of touching them - again, her mind reminded her - and buried it inside, far away from her current thoughts.

Her breath was nowhere to be found, lost someplace between her naked body and the lips of the man beside her. Her heart raced to a pace she wondered if it was healthful, if it wasn't the first time it had done that. Turns out, it definitely wasn't. Last night was just her most recent example but… she remembered this sensation from almost every time Obi was closer than usual. Her heart trying to escape, she told Yuzuri once. To be with whom it really belonged, she answered, a knowingly smile on her lips. She didn't understand it then and now, even having a subtle idea of what was her friend referring to, was definitely not the time to be thinking about it. She had enough on her hands for the moment.

Her hands, unbuttoning his shirt with the care she would put mending his wounds. Her hands, entangling themselves on his hair as if it was the rope from which her life hanged. Her hands, wandering to places of his body that were forbidden for most people, caressing them and stroking them and - 

She forced herself to the present, trying her best to calm the excessive beating of her heart and failing miserably. The weight of what she had done, what they’d done, hit her hard, a lot harder than she expected. The guilt crawled up her throat so forcefully she had to fight in order to stop herself from throwing up. 

"Miss, you're drunk."

His voice was low in her ears, his lips almost touching hers. She just wanted to shut him up and feel the burning of his kisses again, the way his hand gripped her right tight, lifting up her dress, distracting her from what he was saying. It wasn't a question, she processed later, but she had already answered.

"Yes."

She went to kiss him again but he retreated just a bit, enough to be out of her reach.

"I'm drunk."

That wasn't a question either, but she answered anyway.

"Yes."

She looked at his eyes and then she understood. He thought this was only the alcohol talking, not herself. He thought she was just in a… playful mood. But that was far, oh so far, from the truth. She'd wanted him for so long she didn't even remember when was the first time her thoughts wandered to him in that particular manner.

But she wasn't just thinking about sex. She was attracted to him, that much she knew - and if she was having any doubts the first of their kisses melted them all away - but it was something more. It wasn't love, she loved Zen, she knew how that felt… did she not? Zen. She hadn't… She hadn't remembered him until now and… she didn't want to remember him. Not here, not now, not being with Obi. He was consuming her entire world and… she was honest when she told herself she wouldn't want to be anywhere else, nor with anyone else. So she added, clarifying her thoughts to him in a small sentence.

"And that doesn't make me want you any less."

She forced herself up with one arm, kissing him slowly, lovingly, the way a wife would kiss her husband, clearly not a lover's kiss. And he smiled against her lips, warming her heart even more.

Her head ached as if she had just been banging it against the wall all night long. She brought her hand to her temple, wanting the cool of it to help whatever little it could. She needed to get out of this room - their room, she remembered herself, leaving little places in this unknown palace to run off to.

She was going to kill Hisame. This was all his fault, his and his stupid ideas. Fake dating, yes, of course, they could do that, it seemed simple enough.

Until it wasn't.

It was hard enough sharing a room with him - He insisted on sleeping on the floor most of the nights unless she practically forced him onto the bed, afraid all she would find of her knight the next morning was an ice cube - but the subtle touches, the long stares, his proximity when he slid his arm down her waist, bringing her to him, so close she thought she would kiss him if he wasn't so quick to flee her side once the show was over.

That's all it was: A show. A show for the people of this cold place, an entertainment for Hisame and torture for herself. She asked her knight once his thoughts about their new situation and he just dismissed the question with a flirtatious response and a smile. It was so Obi she just left it there, thinking he wasn't against the idea. She wondered what he would say now that their relationship was a lot less fake than they anticipated.

She was still clinging to his neck, her hands completely still, too afraid to make a sudden movement lest he decided it was time to do rounds or to eat something, or to go to the bathroom. It wasn't the first time they've been in this situation, their hug loose enough for them to look each other in the eyes, forgetting what drove them to be this way in the first place. She spoke softly, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Tell me, Obi, what would you do if I…" She trailed off, seeing his confused look, and decided it was best to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. She'll have to thank the alcohol later because without it she would never have had the courage to do it.

She lifted herself up her toes and brought her lips to his. It was just a soft kiss, so short she believed she imagined it, but she could still feel the softness of his lips so she kept her eyes closed for a moment. How something so little, so innocent, could awaken so much in her was beyond her comprehension. She felt flashes of lightning all through her body, from top to bottom, making it difficult to feel bad about it. She just… kissed him. Without asking if he wanted it as bad as her.

She opened her eyes ashamed, thinking she would find rejection in the ones that mirrored her own. Expecting to hear a soft joke and a laugh, maybe some excuse as to why he suddenly needed to be out of there. But he was looking at her with such intensity, such lust, his golden eyes a shade darker, a mixture of emotions under the obvious ones that she couldn't really place.

She stared back, realizing she felt like a prey under his gaze, as if she had just awoken a beast. But she wasn't intimidated by it… On the contrary, all of her was screaming to let herself be eaten. And that… that she could do.

Shirayuki wasn't sure who moved first, it didn't really matter. In a moment her fingers were playing with his hair - meddling with it, uninvited but not unwelcome - while her lips opened to him, letting his experience guide her. His hands were her anchor, the pressure of them - one on her waist and the other in the lower part of her back - the only thing keeping her from flying. She was a woman of science, she knew she would most likely fall instead of fly if he released her, but she felt so light. If only she didn't feel like she was burning and he was the cool water and the raging fire at the same time.

She could feel her legs shaking under the mattress. She had heard her knight before, talking about how he knew how to light a candle in women. She never doubted it, she felt it herself more than once, but this… She was screwed because what she was feeling wasn't a candle, oh no, it was an entire forest set ablaze. A fire so tall, so wide, so hot she lost herself burning on it and, now, hours later, all that remained of her were ashes.

She forced herself up, still shocked at the lack of clothes on her body, and moved to the closet as silently as she could. She needed him to stay asleep, she wasn't ready to talk to him. Or to look at him. Or… anything, really. She just needed a bath, a walk through the gardens, maybe even shut herself in the library. He would find her, he always did, but later was better in this situation.

She tripped over her dress, the one she was wearing last night, and picked it up carefully, ready to leave it on one of the chairs until the maid came to pick it up for laundry. The soft green and black fabric practically slid through her arms before she could put it down.

Her dress was loose and it fell subtly over her breasts. He took his time lowering it, planting kisses on her neck and shoulders, biting them before reclaiming her mouth to his. She got lost on his kisses until she noticed the cold air on her chest and she breathed, waiting for his reaction. He was the first man to see her like this and she wouldn’t have wanted anyone else, not with the look he was giving her. 

Under his eyes, she felt made for him, as if she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, as if he never could look at someone the way he was looking at her. As if she was his woman. 

She got up, missing immediately his touch, and undressed completely, letting her dress fall on the floor. The only thing left on her was her green underwear. She didn’t miss the look on the golden eyes before her while she lowered her dress. She felt she could do anything in the world and that’s why she did it. She was embarrassed, yes, but those feelings disappeared completely every time he looked at her, leaving only the colour of her cheeks. 

He got up after her, one step after the other, so slowly she was about to jump at him. One of his arms hugged her waist, making her react in time to hug his neck. After a moment she felt her hair fall free on her shoulders - sometimes she almost forgot how long it was again.

As if she was a work of art in a museum he studied her, smiling, for almost a minute. Then he resumed his pace from before, kissing her shoulders, her neck, her chest…

The bath was cold, left there from the night before when neither of them found it necessary. Now she was really grateful for the sudden change of temperature even if her body was against it. It started trembling and she wasn't sure if it was because of the bath until she felt her eyes sting and her cheeks soaking. She hugged her knees with her arms and buried her face there, unable to stop her crying. She knew why… or so she thought. All the things she fought for, all the friends waiting for her… she just destroyed them all. Last night everything was crystal clear to her. It still was. But… it should have been different. She should have talked to Zen before, she should have told him that she won't be waiting for him anymore, that she simply… didn't feel the same. She hasn't since a lot of time ago. It would have been easier than going to him and saying 'Hey I slept with Obi and I realized I've been in love with him for a long time. I hope we can still be friends?'. She cried louder, hitting herself in the process. She just realized the truth of her words.

She loved him. She loved him so much she gifted herself to him without thinking about the consequences, about the damage she would do to the rest of the people in her life, including him. They… they could tear him apart from her. They could exile him from Clarines, from Lyrias. Relieve him from his duties with the kingdom. Would he leave then? Would he leave her alone, denied of her friends, of the man she truly loved? Or would he be willing to take her with him? Did he even felt the same? She didn't ask. She didn't… she didn't even tell him. Not once. She didn't even know until now, until all the pieces clicked on her head. She sniffled again. It had been a mistake.

And with that, she realized, she lied to him too.

She moved to kiss him again but he moved quicker, keeping her away. For a moment she was hurt but the look in his eyes only told her that he was not done talking.

“Shirayuki, listen to me. You may be able to live knowing you made this mistake here with me but I won’t.”

He spoke lightly, softly, like hearing a caress. The first time she heard her name from his voice and it was… beautiful. She never thought she would like her name more than coming from his lips. She needed to hear it again, every day, every hour, every minute even if it was whispered like that. She couldn't help but be quiet, waiting. Then he smiled, cupping her face with one hand and kissing her the same way his words had spoken to her. She got the feeling there were too many things she wouldn't get to hear tonight, not in words at least.

“I don’t want this to be a mistake. I don’t want us to be a mistake.”

The warm that invaded her felt odd. It wasn’t a normal warmth, it was sad, hurtful. How could he be a mistake for her? He was precious, the most precious person she had. He was always by her side, understanding her without words, making her laugh, giving her time when she needed it and lending an ear to her when she had too much going on in her mind. She could be anywhere, go anywhere, if he was with her. He allowed her to be, without masks, without politics, without a false respect.

Her heart pressed on her chest, drowning her. She felt guilty for making him think like that yet she forgot the reason behind his words. Why would this be a mistake? She didn’t know nor wanted to. It was right, it felt right. She forgot to think past that.

“Obi. This will never be a mistake. You will never be a mistake. Ever. Whatever happens tonight or the rest of my life.”

Everything hurt. From her body to her brain, but most of all, her heart. She needed to tell him. She needed him to know that, even if at this moment everything else felt wrong the only thing that didn't was him. And the night she spent with him. The years she spent with him. She would find a solution, with or without him, and she would accept his answer, even if that meant he would go again, feeling his freedom crushed by her feelings. She would accept it. But she needed him to know. Yes, it had been a mistake but not because she didn't want it, not because she didn't want him, needed him, but because she felt guilty for hurting Zen and the people who fought for them. It was simply a matter of timing.

She put on a towel after washing her face, a smile creeping on her mouth. He always understood her, she knew this time would be the same. She was lucky, so lucky to have fallen in love with him. Suddenly she needed him to know, as soon as possible.

Barefoot and with only the towel to cover her she ran to the door, opening it with more strength than was necessary, still smiling.

Her smile faltered quickly, disappearing almost immediately after finding the room empty, the bloodied sheets they left on the floor - the only proof she had that any of this had been real - nowhere to be found.

She let herself fall to the floor, her knees suddenly touching the carpet, startling her. Of course... How would she feel if she had awakened to hear Obi crying in the bathroom after what they'd done? She was so, so utterly stupid she wanted to cry again.

This was her punishment, she was sure of it. Whatever force of nature or destiny or any shit like that that was messing with her. She was tired. Tired of thinking, of crying, and of realizing things too little too late.

She wanted to go find him, to explain all that her mind explained to her minutes ago, but she knew she couldn't. Not if he didn't want to be found.

So Shirayuki crawled into the bed again, hugging the pillow that had belonged to her best friend, and hoped that the fact that she returned to sleep with her hair soaking would hide her tears.

[nicotinemaiden]

Should’ve said it

So you want me now? That's funny 'cause you didn't give a [] back then.

Comin' back around, so sorry 'cause there's no room in my bed and I'm all good now.

Someone else is gettin' all of me. If you wanted me so desperately you should've said it.

Isn't it something? That I get more when I'm giving you nothing?

Isn't it magic? That when you stop lookin' for it, it happens?

Baby, he fell from grace, landed right in your place, kissed me so many times that I forgot your taste.

[Camila Cabello]

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She'd had enough. Enough of the waiting, enough of empty words, enough of saving face for the sake of others, enough of thinking the centre of her life was someone who couldn't care less. And she was sure about that, oh yes. There was a time when a thought like that was an insult to herself and all she believed in but after today's scene...

Well, yes, she was sure now because the other option was that Zen was absolutely stupid and lacked any kind of consideration towards her and that was harder to believe that he simply didn't care anymore.

She promised herself not to cry, not over him, not over this. But she was so angry, storming the halls of the castle with a direction firmly set, that she forgot midway her own promise. The worst thing of all was the realization that it didn't matter as much as she thought it would matter.

She was annoyed because she didn't know if the prince -her prince, until now- was playing with her or if he just casually forgot to tell her the news. She would have accepted it if he just told her. Directly. Without the subtle look that said they would talk 'later'. With Zen, it was always 'later'. Well, she was sick of 'laters'.

She opened the door aggressively and, after crossing with the person inside an understanding look, she let herself fall on the bed. The ceiling wasn't at all interesting, not right now, but she needed to breathe. One, two. One, two. After a couple of seconds, she rose, looking at him in the eye.

"Can you believe this? I mean... yes, I knew it would happen but..."

Her friend jumped from the chair, not that he liked those things anyway, and leant on the sash near her. Luckily for her, it was almost night so she could still look at him without being blinded, at least for environmental reasons.  

"I met her no more than half an hour ago. I was thinking for a bit before finding you." He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "I truly think this is nothing, Miss. The same as with miss Kiki. I don't think Master has the intention of this being something serious."

She looked at him incredulously, wondering if he was joking even if she knew he was being serious at the moment.

"She's the first princess of the kingdom we may go to war with! And she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

That wasn't her problem, she wasn't jealous, but if they were talking about her, she could say what was in her mind. She could talk to him about anything and a small side of her felt inferior. That wasn't something she was really used to. Usually, she was content with her status. Yes, it has caused more than one problem to her relationship with Zen but, in the eyes of her friends, she was an equal. In the eyes of Obi, she has always been superior, almost a princess herself. And it bothered her the fact that, suddenly, she wasn't an equal anymore. Not for a certain prince.

"Either you have poor taste in women or you haven't look at the mirror lately Miss. You're so wrong with that affirmation."

He grinned at her and she wasn't sure if her friend was joking of deadly serious. Those were pretty much his two moods. And, if she could say she knew him -which she did- she was aware that sometimes he joked to say things that were true but that he wasn't sure how to say them.

In the end, she looked away and smiled, hiding her blush thanks to the remains of sunset light. Before her was the reason as to why she wasn't jealous anymore, the reason as to why she was angry with herself more than anyone. But she just realized it a couple of weeks ago and she thought it would go away if things stayed as normal. She should have stopped it before it reached this state but she wasn't sure what "it" was anymore: her relationship with Zen or her growing feelings for Obi.

With a gesture of her hand, she dismissed that part of the conversation and continued. She needed to tell him.

"That's not really the problem. The problem is he didn't tell me, again. The problem is he ignored me, again. The problem is I approached them and greet them and he told her I was 'an acquaintance'."

Her look got angrier with every sentence, with every word even. How dare he.

"After all we've been through together that's what I am to him, Obi? An ' acquaintance '?" She puffed, annoyed. "In the worst case, I thought I was his friend. A friend he could kiss without making a big fuss about it. A friend he could treat as something more without the responsibilities of it being something more. But at least a friend."

Her tears fell again and she smiled, feeling stupid because here she was, crying for him again.

Her friend grabbed her hands gingerly as if waiting for them to broke, and pulled her against him. Next, she found herself hugging his waist with all the strength she could summon while her face inclined towards his.

"You're strong, you're determined, you're fearless. You live your life your way and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You fight for the things and the people you care about risking your own life in the process. You're unpredictable. You're an adventure." He paused for a moment realizing he was talking more than he planned.

"You're not just a female friend he can kiss when he's bored and of course you're not an acquaintance." He intended on stopping there. There wasn't a point in adding anything else but, after thinking for a moment, he added it anyway. "You're so much more than that." Her heart went crazy, her mind suddenly self-conscious about the situation, about the warm of his fingers in her waist, about the way his eyes pierced her, reading her most guarded thoughts and feelings as if reading her with the same passion she read books. Her hand gripped stronger the back of his shirt, just in case he chose to walk away after she spoke. She couldn't not ask because it seemed as if the conversation wasn't about Zen anymore. His words echoed in her mind as the most beautiful poem she had ever heard, every one of them granting her the courage to look at him in the eyes while asking.

"To Zen or to you?" Her eyes studied the face in front of her, every little detail, and not one of them pointed her that it was all a joke. His eyes were deep and almond, more than normal, an indication that he was in the same state of anger and irritation as she. His smile disappeared and his lips formed a thin line.

"Both."

He couldn't lie to her. He knew that if she asked he would tell her anything, even if that ruined him. He was lucky she never asked the right questions. Until now.

And he wasn't holding back now. He warned him, he told him time after time and he ignored him. He ignored every one of his advice until it became the situation he said would happen. And with the way she was looking at him, he would make sure to honour the promise he made Zen the last time they talked about her.

Shirayuki watched as his hand travelled her upper arm, his fingers a tender touch upon her clothes. She wondered how they would feel against her bare skin. Her attention returned to his face, bringing his eyes with hers.

She didn't need to think again. She was always the one receiving kisses and now she wanted to give one. To him. She wanted to satisfy her curiosity and, at the same time, free all the feelings she was detaining. She stood on her tiptoes, her lips searching their opposites, his arms a little lower than what was proper. Her hand caressed his neck, his jawbone. She breathed his breathing and, for a small moment, she forgot the reason she was in his room, to begin with.

Their lips brushed and suddenly the door crashed wide open, colliding with the wall next to it. They turned their heads without giving real care about the rest of their situation, more annoyed than anything at their new guest.

The world stopped the next minute.

The three of them looked at each other for what felt like an eternity before Obi started releasing his mistress slowly, turning to face his master. It wasn't like him that kind of expression, he was more accustomed to feeling it on himself than on others, but he couldn't say he wasn't mirroring it.

They walked slowly towards each other, their fists ready to blow at any moment, one of them with considerably more motives to throw the first blow. Instead, he waited.

"You didn't even let me explain."

"I let you explain yourself. I gave you more than three years to explain. Did you do it, Zen? Have you explained anything in all this time?"

His voice circled his name, emphasizing it. When the prince didn't answer he added with a smug smile on his face:

"I warned you."

Shirayuki watched them from the window, realizing just now how she had never heard Zen's name from his knight mouth. He was always talking about him -and to him- with such high esteem, as if he was a little brother at the same time that he was an admired person to him. Now he was provoking him as she had seen him do other times, never to the white-haired guy. It stunned her the sudden change.

His provocation was enough to make Zen punch him first. He could but didn't dodge, didn't stop him. He took the blow to his chin lifting a hand to his face to remove a bit of blood from his mouth. A muted scream sounded behind them and she approached him, only for him to shook his head. This was something they had to do or they'll never reach a conclusion.

"Did that make you feel better? Because after what you did I would feel like a stinky piece of horse shit."

"No, it did not."

"Good. Why is that?"

"Because you warned me."

Obi reached for him, gripping him by the neck of his shirt and bringing Zen closer to him.

"Not a completely wrong reason but not the one I was looking for."

The blue eyes in front of him drifted to Shirayuki, standing there a couple of seconds before sighing.

"Because it's my fault. I shouldn't have called you that, I shouldn't have ignored you, I shouldn't act as if you were nothing only to please the rest of the court, I shouldn't even be making this kind of dates when I have you."

He looked at Obi, a silent plea for him to let him go, but he was angrier now than he was before. As if he hadn't had time before all this mess to apologize properly or, hell, making things right. He lifted him from the ground, only a couple of centimetres, making a decision.

His Miss was looking and he still had a bit of honour left. Even if his body screamed for him to hit him, to break his chin, to mark him forever with his knives his mind told him that if he did something like that he'll have to run and hide after, and he wasn't ready to leave her.

Yet he let go suddenly, making the prince fall to the ground and, for the first time, looking at him with a superiority he wasn't sure he had. He started walking out of his own room, thinking they would need time to talk but Shirayuki's voice sounded broken when she asked:

"Stay."

He turned a little, just enough to see her face through the corner of the eye.

"Anything that he had to say to me, you can listen"

He knew. There weren't secrets between them, with the little exception of the one secret he almost told her today and, after what almost happened, he wasn't sure it was a secret anymore.

What he didn't know was if he was willing to listen. He didn't want to be here when Zen kissed her again, remembering him how close he had been to fulfil his dreams. He didn't want to listen to them making up again, time after time, even when he proved to him every time that those words were just lies.

But he couldn't say no to her so he walked to her side, leant on the wall and crossed his arms on his chest.

Shirayuki nodded and turned to Zen, grateful to her tears for stopping before he could see them properly. She wondered what he had to say at the same time that she searched for the things she had to say to him. The white-haired guy cleaned his pants with his hand before looking at her, then proceeded to walk to her with a broken expression.

"I'm so sorry Shirayuki, they were watching me and I couldn't make them think we were more than acquaintances. They're important allies for Clarines and powerful people. They could've been a threat to all of us. To you."

Obi snorted suddenly, looking away and fighting back a laugh. Now it was for her sake. As if he wasn't there for that same purpose. The red-haired one did the same with a smile. She could almost hear what he was thinking, but she said nothing.

"I know you're out of patience and I plan on honour the promise I did to you all those years ago. I don't want to hide anymore either. I lov-"

She drove a finger to his lips, stopping him. She'd heard enough and she felt she had a lot of things to say, first of all, the more obvious yet the one she chose to ignore the longer.

"Never before have you said those words to me. I'm not letting you do it now... it feels as if you're sweet-talking me."

He opened his mouth again to say something the second Shirayuki's hand returned to her original position but she shook her head and he waited.

"Also, we were never hiding anything. All the palace know what's going on between us and not one person had anything to say in the matter. Nothing bad, at least. People liked us together. I know you're not talking about the common people but they accepted us. You were the only one that was always finding another excuse. And I took them all and waited for you. For you to say that you loved me, for you to fulfil your promise, for us to be something more. You're their prince, they adore you, you can't really think they'll turn their back to you only because you married a commoner."

"I..." He started, searching for words, for an argument. "I thought so, yes. Even when I know they loved you too. And I need their support if I were to make a difference in this kingdom.”

She looked at him in disbelief, wondered if he was blind, stupid or an incredibly good liar.

“Even Izana gave you his blessing some time ago.” Obi interrupted, unsure if it was really his call to do it but unable of maintaining silence about it. “You wouldn’t have been less than you are now for your partner choosing.”

He wasn’t looking at him until he ended that sentence, his eyes flashing the feeling of ‘you had everything and chose not to take advantage of it’.

“You would have been more. You would have had a life companion that cares about you more than anything in the world, that’s intelligent, perceptive and strategical, that could have helped you with all your work, your papers, your relationship with other kingdoms.” He approached the prince again, adopting a more proud stance. “A woman that loves you and waited for you day after day. A woman that needed no explanation on any of your crazy schemes nor excuses for them because she understood. A woman you should have been treating like a queen and you choose -you heard me right, you choose- to leave her aside until you got bored of playing with her.”

They stood there, watching each other longer than she was ready to. But her knight’s words were still sinking in her, words spoke with so much hate, so much jealousy yet every one of them truthful to the core. She wondered when did he become the person that best knew her of all the people she knew, the person able to defend her not only in combat, not only against enemies.

“I’m trying to make it right. I’ve realized all those things and I’m telling you Shirayuki.”

He shifted his gaze at her and she knew he was being honest. The dreams she had all this time were finally becoming true and she couldn’t help but feel it was too late. Too late for her to feel how she felt before with him. Too late for her to leave all the things she’d work so hard to get to be with him, to be a real princess. She didn’t even like the position, she only loved the prince and, not so long ago, she would have accepted it just to be by his side. But as she was thinking earlier that afternoon: It was too late. Too late to stop her newfound feelings and too late to retrieve the ones she had before.

“I’m sorry for all that I put you through. This ends now. I freaked out when I saw your face before, I can’t stand watching you look at me like that, even if I deserve it. But I…”

All of them knew what he was going to say there and there were two sets of eyes looking at him as if to say ‘don’t you dare.’

“I care too much about you to watch without doing nothing. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize.”

Sometime mid-sentence he grabbed Shirayuki’s left hand, bringing it to his lips and placing a kiss that made the black-haired guy shift his position back at the wall. This was the moment he feared. He didn’t need to stay here, he didn’t need to stay silent, he didn’t need to watch. His first instinct was to hit Zen’s hand to push him away, but he didn’t have any right so instead, he just spoke, locking his eyes with the blue ones.

“Even if she says ‘yes’ I want you to know you don’t deserve her.”

For a moment he thought his master accepted it and was ready to continue speaking but after shooking his head Zen turned to him, enclosing him against the wall and his finger.

“And you do? The man whose first job was to scare the shit out of her? Or killing her if that didn’t work just to keep her away from me? The man that asked me to go with her to ‘protect her’ and ended losing her to a group of pirates? The man that is unable to say her name clearly because he doesn’t want to feel attached to her? The man that cannot stop flirting with her even when he knew I loved her? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? That this man” He pushed Obi’s chest with his finger, emphasizing his point. “deserves her more than me, than the man who’ve been at her side since she left Tanbarun. You would be no one if it weren’t for me.”

Obi breathed, letting the words sink in. He grabbed his wrist and pushed it away from him. He was grateful he was taller than Zen because right now he needed the extra pride to stand up to him. He knew he didn’t deserve her either, he’d talk about it with the prince on more than one occasion. Right now it only seemed he wanted to ridicule him.

“I’m trying to tell you that it’s her decision and that I hope you change your priorities. For her sake.”

Shirayuki couldn’t find the words. She looked at them as if she wasn’t in the same room. Clearly, this had been a theme of conversation in more than one occasion. She listened to the prince, word afterword, and let him grab her hand, searching inside her for the forgiveness he asked without finding it. She had already forgiven him, she didn’t want more explanations, more love words or more soft gestures such as that one. She knew what Zen was implying, what that kiss meant, what answer she was supposed to give and only thinking about it made her dizzy. This was not what she was waiting for when she joined Obi in his room hardly half an hour ago. She wanted to be with him, to cry with him, to hug him. Maybe kiss him to drive herself away from her worries once and for all. Maybe sleep with him, tangling his black hair in her fingers and the sheets in her legs.

In reality, not one of the things she wanted for today included Zen. And that frightened her because she thought she wanted him, that’s the only thing she knew since she fled her hometown. It was a safe spot, his side. Never safer than Obi’s side, now that she thought about it.

Maybe she ended up loving him as a friend more than anything. Maybe lately the few kisses they could share felt weird and forced because of that same reason.

Zen’s words against Obi made her blood boil. He knew better than anyone what Obi did for her since they met. They told her every one of them because they knew Obi wouldn’t acknowledge them and she deserved to know. When she heard about what he did while she was kidnapped by pirates she almost ran to him before the story ended. It took the calm words of Kiki and Mitsuhide to stop her because her knight asked specifically not to tell her. And he only hid it from her because he knew it was crazy and she would be angry with him. For the name thing, she reached the conclusion some time ago that it was a question of respect, the same he had for his master. He wouldn’t call her by her name until she asked her, which she planned to, just when things got calmer. But his last phrase was the one that made her flinch as if something cut her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Obi had a life before joining Zen’s team, a life that while hard, was worth it. She didn’t know a lot about those times but she knew it brought him to her. She knew it was important to him. She knew he had friends in those circles still. So the fact that Zen said it was ‘nothing’ bothered her to the point her vision clouded.

Obi’s response was respectful to her and to him, even when she sensed he didn’t deserve it in any way. Not right now.

She lifted a hand to her forehead in a vain attempt to stop her headache.

“Zen, please leave.”

Then and just then his attention returned to the girl he was swearing his love to. He was panicking and possibly didn’t mean any of the things he said in that room that night. She knew that feeling, but she was hurt all the same.

“Shirayuki, I need to talk to you in private.”

She pondered it for a minute. She wanted to give Zen time to calm himself, to herself to arrange her ideas and to Obi, because he was looking to the side and hadn’t said a word to any of them after his last intervention and it worried her.

“It’s not a good idea right now. I think we all need some time to think. Tomorrow we’ll see things with a new light.”

The prince’s shoulders dropped while his gaze inspected the floor. She was right and he knew it. He’d said horrible things tonight to his friends and he needed to mend them, but not at that moment. In his state, he would only hurt them more. He sighed, resigned to keep feeling his jealousy consume him tonight, the hate he was feeling directed towards his friend instead of the real culpable.

“I’ll see you first thing in the morning, I promise. I’m sorry. To both of you. Tonight my judgement is clouded.”

He made a small bow to each of them, bringing Shirayuki to grab his hand for a moment, squeezing it, and Obi to make a ‘don’t worry’ gesture with his hand. Anyone could have a bad day and they didn’t make it easy for him after all.

* * * * *

Being alone again Obi dropped on to the mattress facing the ceiling, Shirayuki following shortly after.

“That was… exhausting.”

She was the first to talk. She needed a normal conversation for once today, and there wasn’t a lot of ‘today’ left to fulfil her need.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just… I’ve seen you and I’ve seen him. I want you two to be happy, together or otherwise. But it’s difficult for me to stay aside when I see you both making the same mistakes over and over again.”

He hadn’t look at her. It was almost impossible for him to talk so boldly about this, to say things he knew no one wanted to hear. It made him feel unnecessary.

“I know.”

And she did. This afternoon opened her eyes. She would never be a princess. She never wanted to be one, to begin with. She’d let her life be without making any decisions about this, the romantic part of her life, and it just led to misunderstandings. She was so comfortable in her position, where nothing really happened, that she forgot she could be comfortable with things happening. With movement, with excitement, with… a family to call her own. She never wanted to be ‘Zen’s wife’ or ‘Clarines’ princess’, she wanted to be Shirayuki.

“Did you really meant all that you said to Zen today?”

She asked. She wanted to add also ‘and everything that Zen said about you?’ but even if true those things didn’t matter because she already knew.

“Every last word.”

She smiled sweetly, curling with him, the side of her face in his chest. He didn’t try to stop her, rather his arm moved to hug her, his head tilting a bit to his side just so he could be closer to her.

“You know what I’m going to tell Zen tomorrow, don’t you?”

That made him look at her in question, unknowingly raising his eyebrow.

“I don’t want that life. I don’t want to leave the pharmacy. I don’t want to interact with noble people whose only worry is if her dress is too pink for the next ball. I’ve come this far and I can say it wasn’t only thanks to Zen. Yes, he helped me when I was lost the first weeks here and I won’t forget it but I’ve worked hard to get here. I just can hope people remember it.”

Admitting it out loud made her lessen a weigh she hadn’t been counting on, her heart already calmer than before.

“I know. And so do the rest of the people we know, even Zen. He’s just afraid you’ll leave him if you realized it. But, as I’ve told him so many times, you already knew and you really love him. There wasn’t a reason for him to fear that.”

“Why do you do that?”

She rose to look at him from upside. She already knew. At first, she thought of it as a game he played and she followed. After that, she enjoyed the game so she started it, and he followed. When she realized she wasn’t as much playing as getting his attention, she wondered what did it mean to him. But today, after his words, after what he said about her being ‘ so much more’ to him, after what almost happened…

“Do what Miss? I’m just being honest.”

“You’re pushing me to him again without even hearing what else did I have to say. You do what you think is right without consulting it with me before. I appreciate your sense of duty but sometimes you should listen to me. Or were you just going to forget what happened earlier?”

She could see him smile but, most importantly, she could feel him smile at her. And it warmed her inside, without a warning.

“Almost happened, must add.”

She picked up one of the cushions, using it to hit him. She wanted to hit his face but he was faster and used his arms to protect himself.

“I’ll assume I shouldn’t have added that last bit.”

They laughed, he blocking a couple of hits more while she used more strength every time. She stopped mid hit to look at him, her arms still in the air clutching the cushion.

“I want you.”

Obi’s eyes widened, a mix between surprise and confusion.

“I have to say if that’s a threat you’re not very intimidating.”

He pointed to her hands just before she lowered the small pillow to him, stopping before hitting him at the same time they laughed again.

“You don’t have to ask Miss, you already have me.”

She smiled tenderly at him, dropping her arms, still assuming his words. It wasn’t hard to accept it when she wanted it when they already had something, something unnamed, but something that was theirs and theirs alone. Something without a start date, planning, conditions. They never needed those things, she just wanted one: To claim him. Because the last time she left things be without making herself clear just made things more difficult.

Cushion abandoned to her side she focused on him again, on the fact that she had practically crawled onto him while they were playing and they were in a quite compromised position even if neither of them said anything of the sort.

“How do I have you?”

“How do you want to have me?”

That was a question she wasn’t ready for. Not because she had doubts, not because she didn’t know how to express herself and not because she was embarrassed. She was afraid. Afraid of saying too much, afraid of letting her feelings roam free just to be crushed, afraid of taking a path so different to the one that seemed the right one in her mind, afraid of how easily her knight slipped through her defences and how she wanted him to do it and, a little insignificant part of her, afraid of how Zen and the others will react if they suddenly were together. Officially. She didn’t know how to ask about that specifically, how to transform their current relationship in something not so different but...

A moment passed without words between them before Obi started moving. He was dying inside, needing to hear her answer, her confirmation, her consent, even if her eyes said everything he needed to know. He waited a bit more before rising, leaving her sitting on top of him, his face closing in on hers. He inspected it for a moment, his palm hard against the lower part of her back.

Her trail of thoughts was lost. Of course, she knew. This was her best friend, her partner, who she was talking about. She didn’t need to think because things between them flowed without the need of explaining everything. Her right hand stroked his jawbone while their eyes fixed on each other.

Looking at him that way, feeling the warmth under her skin and the awareness that while he looked at her like that she didn’t want anyone else to look at her she said the only conclusion she reached, regretting the fact that she tried to dismiss it before, that she tried to ignore it:

“You have me too.”

[nicotinemaiden]

Treat you better

[Treat you better - Shawn Mendes]

So tell me why are we wasting time on all your wasted crying when you should be with me instead. I know I can treat you better, better than he can.

The hit on the wall resonated clearly inside the room, making Zen look up almost forcefully. He’d been listening to Obi’s complains for several minutes now, absolutely quiet. What other option does he have? All his messenger was saying was true and he didn't even had an excuse that could convince him. Not anymore. He’s been using these excuses for years: 'Izana wouldn't allow it.’, 'I need to think of my country first’, 'It’s not so easy’. The last time this happened he remember himself saying: 'I will propose to her as soon as these negotiations are over’. But he hadn't. Four months had passed since then and he… he wouldn't. He wouldn't dare to without Izana’s permission, as much as he loved her. The worst thing of this is that he knew, if Obi were in his place, he would have done it years from now. He wouldn't let any words to affect him, he would fight for her to his last breath. And he wasn't doing it now just because it was Zen, his Master, who loved this girl.

“Are you gonna make her wait forever? Or only until you found a noble girl to be your wife? Are you gonna wait to break her heart before you can do anything about this?” Obi’s voice sounded rough and a little more loud than he expected. “Of course not!” This conversation was driving into a place he was sure he doesn't wanted to go. “But all I can do in my position is go see her whenever I can.” “Yeah, twice a month? And those are the good months.” “It's all I can do” Zen really wanted to end this conversation and get back to his papers and documents. He felt safer there. “Then” Obi stopped for a second, looking at his side, letting the air get back to his lungs, just so he could face Zen crearly, golden orbs meeting blue. “Then maybe you're not the person I thought you were. And maybe you don't deserve her either.” He couldn't possibly have ignored that 'either’. It was as if he could read Obi’s mind in that moment. But he couldn’t see the next thing his friend said, not until he’d already hear it. “She was crying again last night. Just because she was waiting for you all day with her delicious new recipe for you to try. You promised that you’ll dinner with her yesterday, on her birthday. At the end of the day it was me who was by her side. It was me who got the honor of tasting her amazing food. It was me who dried her tears. And when she told me she felt freed because of that… When she told me that night only helped her realize her feelings for you weren't the same… I was the stupid one who told her 'it’s only a bad night Miss, tomorrow all will be perfect, as always.’ ” Obi was now looking at the floor again, his hands fits, trying to control himself. ”And she smiled! She believed in my words! She believed in you.” He turned to the door, ready to close this, once and for all. “This is your last call Zen.” He could only think of one other time that Obi used his name and it wasn't a situation so different. “The next time she comes into my room crying your name I’ll make sure she’ll leave moaning mine.”

[nicotinemaiden]

Anyone but you

I've tried all there is to try, I'm not ever saying a lie to make myself believe in something I know isn't true...

I've drank all there is to drink, I've thought all there is to think.

I'll disappear forever, if you want me to...

And I'll find somebody new but I can't love anyone but you.

[Hinder]

Last night was crazy. He just wanted to get out, drink a lot at the bar and stop thinking for a while. Lately he’d been thinking a lot more about things he shouldn’t think and it didn’t help at all the fact that his miss has practically stolen his scarf and wore it most of the time. It made him feel important. So last night he tried to forget her, just for a while. But who in the world would have thought Torou wanted to do the same. The last time he’d seen her was long before going to Lyrias and she was too occupied to think of him the way she did before, but last night was different. They drank until the world became to feel a fairy tale. They danced together in a way so far away from the Castle’s dances. They laughed loud and clear, making jealous the people around them. And then they sat, absolutely exhausted, just before she climbed onto his legs and kissed him. He knew it wasn’t the first time but he promised it would be the last. The pain in his chest didn’t disappeared since then. She tasted like a strange. She felt cold and unpleasant. He recognized immediately her way of kissing and followed her, trying to feel something, trying not to be so in love with other girl as to no to feel bad kissing her. But he couldn’t. So he decided to leave, said goodbye and started his way to the castle. He ignored how Torou followed him, hoping that she would take another path middle-way but when they were almost in the castle he stopped to ask what was she doing there. He shouldn’t have asked, he already knew the answer and he didn’t want to get up her expectations but she was so insistent… He let her kiss him again, breaking his self-promise in less than an hour, but stopped her before she could bite his lobe. He was drunk and he was making a mistake kissing her, right, but he won’t make the mistake of sleeping with her again. At least that was how he remembered that night.

Today his head hurted and his stomach was upside down. The sun hitting his eyes directly didn’t help either. What time it was? It should be near noon by the look of it. He’d passed enough time in bed for now, he should go check his miss and maybe eat something before his afternoon shift. He dressed up and took the way to the infirmary, yawning every now and then. “Obi!” He heard his Miss yell from the other side of the hall, while she ran to him, his scarf still rounding her neck. But his head had another opinion. “I’m glad you’re happy to see me Miss but can you talk a bit less louder? I’m dying inside.” She looked at him confused until his hand pressed his head a bit. “I have medicine for that, come on.” “You have medicine for all kind of things Miss, you don’t need to tell me.” He smiled, following her as he always did. It was so different. His heart bumped only seeing her, his hands tremble at the sight of her wearing his clothes and her smile was brighter than the sun that awakened him this morning. How could him compare them. A kiss was nothing more than what one thinks it was and Torou means nothing to him. Now it was even more clear.

“So… how did last night go?” He let himself fall on one of the chairs of the room before answering. “It was nice seeing her again.” He noticed the way the room cooler as he spoke.”She’s an old friend, I think you remember her: Brown hair, brown eyes and an annoying flirting attitude with everyone.” “Oh, it was her then.” He looked a bit confused hearing the way she said it, but didn’t said anything. “She just wanted to see me for a bit but we ended up drinking more than we should.” He laughed lightly, doing his best to soften the atmosphere, while she prepared a medical tea. “I think she’s the only person capable of win a drink game against me and the reason as to why my head hurts so much.” Shirayuki bringed the tea to the table and sat on his side. “So, you were only drinking?” It was an odd question to ask and more difficult yet to answer. “Nah, we were also dancing. The bar where she summoned me has a great variety of musicians.” He picked up his cup and was going to take a sip when she interrupted him again. “And nothing more?” He stopped suddenly to look at her, but she was looking elsewhere, a light shade of red covering her cheeks. “Miss, are you asking me if something happened between her and me?” He couldn’t contain his surprise. His eyes gone wide while trying to understand what took her to make that question. And she nodded. And he felt the worst person in the world after seeing her. So he left the cup on the table again and centered his gaze on it. “Well, yes.” It was then when Shirayuki looked at him, her expression mixed between angry and sad, as if she were about to cry or to punch him, but he wasn’t looking at her, not right now. “Do you want details? Because I’d rather not talk about it.” With you, at least, he added in his mind. He didn’t wanted to tell her, just because she could think there was another girl in his life, but now it was too late. Shirayuki didn’t say anything, so he continued. “We just kissed, in case you were wondering. And it wasn’t the same as before.” “Before?” It was clear she wanted to know, for a reason he didn’t really understand, but he would give her all the details she wanted. “She was kind of a lover years ago, long before I met all of you. So when she kissed me I just wanted to make sure she didn’t mean anything anymore. And that’s what I found. To be completely sincere I now know that the time I felt thinking I loved her it was nothing more than the adrenaline of having a lover for the first time.” He picked his cup again, smiling. A lot of things had changed since then and now he knew how hard and beautiful it felt to love someone. “I’m glad.” He blinked. “You’re glad? I thought you’d say something like ‘That’s a shame Obi, she’s beautiful and she would make a good match for you’ or something like that.” This time, it was her who blinked. “Why would I say something like that? I don’t even know her. And besides it’s better to let your heart free so maybe you can meet an amazing person that makes you happy.” This conversation was going down a path he didn’t expected her to take it. “Yeah, well, I already have that person but shhhhh” He smiled using his finger to block his lips. “She could hear us and she’s already in a relationship.” She looked sad again and he signed. He couldn’t say it was her, but why she looked so down?. “Miss?” “Why didn’t you tell me? You’re my best friend and I didn’t know anything about it. You have to tell me. Who is she? Who is she in love with? When did you realized you were in love with her?” “Woooo, wooo, relax Miss. I couldn’t tell you. I’ve keeping this secret for years.” “Years?!” She almost screamed at him, but luckily for him the tea started to do its work.  “Besides, didn’t I already told you she’s in love with other person? If I say it it would only create problems. I’m alright the way things are. I’m just more convinced now that I love her and I couldn’t love anyone else. Never.” “She’s extremely lucky… If I were in her position I…” She hugged her scarf lightly, asking it for strength. Now that she thought about it she was in a similar position. It was known by anyone close that she had a relationship with the Second Prince of Clarines, even if she was thinking about another man right now. Even if she thought about another man most of the time. “I don't know. And you won't know either if you don't confess your feelings.” “I’ve told you, I have no need. I wouldn't dare to lose her friendship.” Shirayuki kept her hands upon her thighs. She wondered why was she cheering Obi in this when in reality she didn't want for him to love another. “If that's so… I know how you feel.” “Oh, Miss, but Master loves you with all his heart, you don't have to be afraid of losing him.” He smiled at her, so beautiful, so sincere. Her heart won't stop beating hard even for a moment. “I’m not… talking about Zen.” Her friend looked at her confused, waiting an answer for a question he didn't make. “I don't want to lose you.” “Of course not. I won't leave your side Miss, don't you worry, ok?” He kept smiling while ending his tea. “But what if I told you I have… feelings… that I can't understand.* *Are you going to turn into a werewolf or something? I'm sure you have medicine for that too.” She inhaled slowly before continuing. “I thought I knew what love was. I thought I understood all those crazy love songs the bards won't stop singing. I thought I understood the lyrics and passion with which they play them. Just like you said… I guess it was just the adrenaline. A prince wanted me for something more than my hair.” She caressed her hair, as if it was happy too to hear that. “I chose this path to follow him, to be at his side. But somewhere along the way I lost my goal and found another one.” Obi’s hand settled on his chin, thinking. “Are you telling me you don't love Master?” When she nodded, timidly, he nodded with her. “Have you told him?” “Why are you not surprised?” “Maybe I’m so surprised this is my way to assume the news.” He laughed a bit. “Also, you were saying strange things before Miss. I'm starting to think that it is you who need something for your head. Are you sure you are alright?” There was a deathly silence between them, just before she’d got up and looked at him extremely angry. “Can’t you just take me seriously for a moment?! I'm not ill, I’m not crazy. I'm trying to tell you something important, damn.” It wasn't like her to react that way, much less to use that kind of word that only Obi used, usually when he -or they- was alone. “Do you remember that time you disappeared until dawn? You went with that girl to some abandoned mansion searching for a little boy. I was so worried I’ll maybe never see you again. And it was little after the incident with Umihebi. I… really thought you'd disappear. But when I saw you again, smiling at me the same way as always… it just felt right. And later… I felt like a stranger in Lyrias. Everyone was kind and wanted to help me but… It wasn’t until you got there that I felt at home.” Obi hadn’t take his eyes off of her in the whole time and he felt like listening to a love declaration. But that couldn’t be what his Miss wanted to say. “You are my home, Obi. Whenever I’m with you, even if things goes wrong, I’m alright. I… I don’t feel that when I’m with Zen.” Obi waited a moment, sorting his thoughts and worrying even more about have told her what happened the night before. He should be excited but he felt like a traitor. To her and to his master. “Miss, wait a second.” “I’ve waited too long to wait again right now. Last night… I heard you. I went for a stroll in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep and I heard you. I was jealous. I just wanted for her to disappear. I hated her, even though I didn’t knew her. All of that just because I wanted you to be with me last night, not with her.” Her friend got up abruptly and walked towards the door, without saying a word. He had too many things in his mind right now. This was exactly what he’d wanted for so long. But now… how could he do that to his master? “I… I understand you’re in love with someone but I just needed to say it. I won’t bother you again with this, I promise.” Obi’s voice was loud when he answered, turning to see her again. “No, no, no Miss. I was talking about you. You’re so precious to me. When I told you that I was home… I was referring to you. But… we can’t do this. What about Master? Damn, I promised him I would never told you this.” “You what?!” His miss seemed puzzled, utterly confused. “But… wasn’t I the only one feeling this? You’ve been at my side for years, feeling this, while I…” She started crying without a warn, just a couple of tears but more than enough to make the bodyguard hug her suddenly. “Shirayuki. Don’t doubt me like that. I’ll love you all my life… but I can’t ask that of you. You’re almost engaged to a prince and I have nothing to offer. He’s the type of man who can make you happy.” “Don’t say my name like that, it sounded like goodbye.” She hid her head on his chest, enjoying the warm that she felt. “I won’t leave. I couldn’t love anyone but you. I just want to keep you safe and give you a life you’ll be proud of. But in order to do that I can’t stay by your side in a romantic way. You’ll lose too much.” He smiled at her, getting her head up with her hand, softly. “Are you going to ignore my words again? What about what I want?” This time, he didn’t shut her with his hand, like he’d done before. This time it were his lips who silenced her. “Are you sure of what you’re asking?” Smiling, she kissed him again. “As sure as I was that I wanted to be an herbalist.” “Then, knowing you, I’m sure that nothing I’ll do or say will change your mind.” She nodded, still smiling under his lips. “We’ll find and excuse for Zen but… later.”

[nicotinemaiden]

Just take my heart

Here we are about to take the final step now. I just can't fool myself, I know there's no turning back. Face to face it's been an endless conversation… but when the love is gone you're left with nothing but talk.

I'd give my everything if only I could turn you around. But... if this is goodbye... just take my heart when you go. I don't have the need for it anymore.

[Mr. Big]

“I really wanted to dance with you last night” The second prince of Clarines seemed pretty sad about the fact that the night before they couldn't really see each other, even less talk or dance. Shirayuki, sitting on a chair in front of Zen’s desk, was a lot more worried about other things, trying to find the moment and the words to say them. “Don't worry Zen, I know you had a lot of people to be with at the ball. It doesn't bother me.”

She took a sip of her tea, her left hand nervously on her thigh, doing her best to make it stop shaking. “I don't think my decision would have changed for something like that.” It had been an hour-long conversation until now. She hadn't said the most important part but her point was clear without that: They must remain friends. Even if she knew she will still love him in her own way… it would never be the same. If she thought it carefully the real question in her mind was “since when” because she couldn't recall the last time she really missed him. Not like she missed him now when there were months without seeing each other, more like those first times when she imagined his smile every time she went to sleep. Lately… she has been able to see the smile of her dreams every night in person. Last night she was even able to kiss it. The sole memory of it made her shiver. “There is more to this that what you're telling me, isn't it?” Zen not only sounded worried but betrayed, even before she could tell him something about it. She lowered her head, letting her hair fall in front of her eyes. She shouldn't talk to her in that tone. It wasn't her fault, wasn't it? She couldn't have avoided it even if she wanted. He.. he had been her friend for more time she could count. He was always by his side, making her laugh or at least smile and forget all of her problems for a while. He helped her through the most impossible scenarios. Even the way he almost never said her name, as if it was something so precious he didn't deserved to pronounce it…

At first she didn't pay enough attention at his way of flirting with her but soon it was her provoking him, following his game, their game. He was always thoughtful, ready to tell her how beautiful she looked with a new dress or how amazing had been her work that afternoon. She’d lost the count of how many times she wished it was Zen who said those things… until one night, when she gather her hair, long enough now for it to be tied up, and her first though was ‘What will Obi say? Will he like it?’ It was a stupid question, she knew he would never say no, even if he find it dreadful, but the way her heart started beating incredibly fast in her chest imagining his smile and his words were a big clue about where this way had lead her. So she raised her head and, looking at the blue eyes in front of her, decided it was time for him to know the truth. With her lips trembling and her voice so soft it was difficult to hear even for her, she started. “Yes, there’s more.” Zen accommodated himself in his chair, his arms supported by the desk, his hands covering his mouth in anticipation. “This morning I’ve woken in Obi’s arms.” Before he could speak, his eyes widen and angry, she continued. “And no, I’m not telling you because I feel bad for it… I’m telling you because that’s the way I wanna start every morning. I… I’m…” Zen interrupted her, his glare fixed on the desk, in the shapes the wood created. “You're in love with him. That's what you're trying to tell me.” She nodded, lowering her head again, ready to hear a thousand reason as to why she was mistaken. Instead she could only hear a sigh. “In some way I already knew. I always knew.” Sadness and relief filled his voice. “You always asked where he was if you crossed one of us before him. And I would be blind if I couldn't see the kind of smile you do only if you're talking to him.” The prince laughed softly, bitter, one of those desperate laughs you need to do when there's nothing else, when you had nothing to lose. “Remember that time when you were going to Lyrias? You said goodbye with a smile to all of us… except Obi. You looked so down, so sad knowing you weren't gonna see him for a while…” He sighed again, still smiling. Shirayuki wasn't aware of the tears in her cheeks. They started flowing without control, amazed at how Zen had seen the signals long before herself. “I… I didn't knew… It just felt as if everything was wrong at that moment. I wanted to go but at the same time…” He stood up, getting closer to her, until he could reach her hand. “I want you to be happy, Shirayuki. You don't need to make excuses, it's not your fault. It should be something wonderful, shouldn’t it?” He squeezed her hand a bit more. “After that time… Obi told me how he felt about you. And since then… well, call it intuition if you want but I knew he could make you feel the same way with him. He’s an amazing person and if you were gonna drop me for someone any day I’m happy it's him.” How could he be so calm? It was making her feel a lot worst of a human all of a sudden. She stoop up in front of him, without letting go of his hand, and hugged him. She let her tears fall in his chest, her face covered in it, her hands squeezing his arms. She felt blind. Was she the only one that didn't see the clues? And, more important, how much time they have been feeling this? It could have been years and she would never know but what about Obi? In Zen words his friend told him the truth just before going to Lyrias with her. And he never said a word to her. Probably she'll never know if last night had gone otherwise. She felt grateful. To Zen, for understand her feelings and not blame her. To the drinks she drank last night for making her do things she never thought she would. To Obi, for waiting for her and loving her for years. And to herself… for realizing the truth her heart knew for so long, for not letting herself live a life she would regret someday, away from her flowers and plants, away from the freedom she felt at that moment. Away from the man she's been loving an eternity, even if she was too blind to differentiate the heat on her heart when she saw him from the happiness on her body when she saw somebody else.

[nicotinemaiden]

Girl Crush

Note: This is part of my series but is more a KikiObi than it is an Obiyuki. I wrote this some time ago and I love it but I didn’t know if it finally belonged here. In the end I’ve decided to let it here because the song has the perfect lyrics for Shirayuki and even if it seems more KikiObi it’s always Obiyuki with me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! :D

I got it real bad, want everything she has. That smile and that midnight laugh she's giving you now. I want to taste her lips, yeah, 'cause they taste like you. I want to drown myself in a bottle of her perfume. I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch... Yeah, 'cause maybe then you'd want me just as much.

Little big town }

The sound of their practice swords crushing was the song of that morning. Kiki has just returned from her home and Mitsuhide, Shirayuki and himself were preparing all necessary things to return to Lyrias -or, in Mitsuhide’s case, to stay there a couple of days. In the meantime he was enjoying the company of his friend, who told him all the things that happened in their trip. If it wasn't her who was telling him he wouldn't believe the stupid responses Mitsuhide had given her. He really thought he loved her. He’d seen them for years and he would have sweared they were meant together. Maybe it was not the time. Maybe when Zen married Shirayuki they’ll feel more free for that kind of thing. Maybe then even him would feel free to try and make his feelings for her disappear.

He wasn't expecting the sudden turn Kiki made but was able to deflect it at the last second. “Uuuuh, you almost got me there.” His friend smiled, without stopping her attacks. He had to admit he’d learned his way with the sword, even if he didn't like them. Now he was able to get a draw with Kiki, even win against her sometimes. But today she was going at full, as if she wanted to get out all her anger. “You know, if you're upset with him you can say it” The next hit was a lot less powerful as consequence. “I’m not upset, I’m perfectly fine.” The blond girl was really good hiding her emotions but these years at her side taught him not to believe that kind of answer. “Alright, keep lying to yourself if you want”. He shrugged his shoulders and attacked again, letting his weapon a centimeter of her neck. In this position, her back against the column and his training sword almost touching her skin, it was clear who the winner was. “Do you wanna know how little I care?” It sounded like a challenge, as if she was really saying “Do you dare to know?”. And he was sure, by the tone of her voice, it was a bad idea to say yes. But he was even more sure he couldn't say no, not now that he’d bring her to this situation and not ever if it sounded like that. He wouldn't back down on a challenge. So he half smiled and draw nearer to her, his sword still pinned to the column. “So?” The mischievous smile in Kiki’s face should have been enough warning. Or the way her finger searched the neck of his shirt, clinging to it until they were so close he could feel her breath. He would have said that she wouldn't dare to do what it seemed, but it was Kiki after all. And they were just playing, completely alone, in a room people doesn't visited often. Also, the courtyard at their side was absolutely silent, interrupted only by some birds and some maids walking further away.

It felt strange to be kissed like that. He always imagined himself kissing his miss the next time he’ll kiss someone, not this. But he closed his eyes and enjoyed the way she played with him, how her lips were cold in spite of the warm weather, how her hand were now pulling the neck of his shirt stronger, how her tongue licked his bottom lip before biting it, forcing him to separate his lips under her mouth and how his free hand searched her waist, leaning on it. He couldn’t help the pang of gilt he suffered when he felt himself smiling against her just before she decided to deepen the kiss, diving him in a sea of emotions he couldn’t understand completely. It may have started as a game but right now, it doesn't seemed that. Not anymore. What would mister thinks about it? Will he be jealous despite he wouldn’t have the right? Maybe he would try to pick a fight or ask Kiki some explanations. He needed explanations too. Was this only to play with him? Was she bored? Or she just wanted to kiss someone after Mister’s rejection? He knew she didn’t feel anything for him. No one felt anything for him, so that wasn’t the reason.

He couldn’t give it much more thought before a loud, dry sound interrupted them, who jolted away. His sword dropped to the ground creating even more noise after that. Didn’t take long for him to turn towards the sound, his hand already up in his hair, disheveling it. His Miss had dropped a series of books and papers to the ground right after the door, probably because the shock of the image they were showing. He hadn’t thought about his Miss until now, but he didn’t believe it was necessary. Was she upset or only surprised? She didn’t had a reason to be upset with him, did she?  He looked at Kiki for a moment, who was a bit flushed -without doubt more than anytime he’s seen her- and who automatically looked away when their eyes connected. What in the world was happening?

He approached Shirayuki, jumping without problem the stairs before her, and started picking the books in front of her. “Are you alright Miss?” She didn’t say anything, she just nodded and collected her things from Obi’s arms, standing up after that. “I’m sorry, I didn’t wanted to interrupt, Mitsuhide told me you were here so I came just in case you could help us with some work but I’m so, so sorry”. She was as red as her hair, bowing at them and dodging visual contact with any of them. “Don’t worry we can do this later. And sorry with you too, Kiki. I just thought for years you and Mitsuhide…” She jolted as if some thunderbolt stroked her. “I’m sticking my nose where no one asked. I’ll be in the infirmary.” She smiled, in a way sad, in other way forced, as if she wanted to say a lot more things than she’d said. And after that she was gone the same way she came. Obi sighed before approaching Kiki again. “I’ll have to explain it to her, sooner or later, or she will keep looking at me like that.” His friend looked at him, her blue orbs fixed in his golden ones. “You can tell her I was playing with you. Maybe she'll feel better after that.” He denied with his head.”And let her believe I was played? Oh, my dignity!” He did an exaggerated movement with his hand, driving it to his forehead, and she started a light laugh. “Aren't you going to ask me why did I do it?” He moved his gaze to his side for a moment. “Is your answer gonna change if I ask it?” She smiled, looking at the floor. “Who knows.” He nodded, still smiling. “Then I’ll ask later, when I find out why I followed your 'game’.

[nicotinemaiden]

Do it for her

Everything you have, everything you are You've got to give on the battlefield When everything is chaos, and you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword; You just think about the life you'll have together after the war! And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win. You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him. Deep down you know you weren't built for fighting, but that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try. What they don't know is your real advantage, when you live for someone you're prepared to die.

Steven Universe

“I want you to train me with the sword.” “WHAT? No.” Obi didn't usually said 'no’ to her, to whatever her new and crazy idea was. But that one was not only crazy but dangerous, that's why he ignored her and kept training. “You know I can't ask Zen for this. And for the same reason I can't ask Mitsuhide or Kiki.” “Yeah and for the same reason you shouldn't be asking me.” “But… you're the only one who always understand me. I have someone I want to protect and I can't do it unarmed” “Master also wants to protect you and he wouldn't let you risk your life to save his. That's why we are here.” Not all of the reason but a good part of it. To be honest he was more interested in protecting her than anyone else but he couldn't say that out loud. “And what if I want to learn to protect myself?” “That's my job Miss. Do you want to let me unemployed? Besides Master would kill me.” “He wouldn't do it if he knows I'm doing it because I want.” “He would do it anyway.” She sighed, tired. She thought this would be so much easier, thinking of how Obi always found time and motivation for the incredibly large list of things she usually asked him. “Please Obi…” Shirayuki approached him, making him stop his sword just before hurting her. “Look Miss I'm not even so good with the sword, knives and close combat are my thing. Why don't you try archery?” “I saw you the other day winning a duel against Kiki so that's a lie. And I've already tried archery but isn't my thing. Now I wanna try swords.” Obi lowered his sword almost pinning it to the ground. This was stupid, he couldn't say no to her, not if she seemed so passionate about the idea. “Alright, I'll train you.” Her eyes widened and brightened. “But you have to promise me you wouldn't use it unless it is totally necessary. The rest of the time you'll have me to protect you.” She nodded enthusiastically. Her mind was racing. She knew if she explained her real reason to him he’ll never teach anything to her anymore. At least not this. But that last time they were out together they were attacked. Neither of them knew the reason why but it wasn't important. The real problem was that she'd seen the wounds they caused to Obi. Of course she knew he will protect her. Of course she knew Zen had Kiki and Mitsuhide to protect him and to protect them mutually. But who will protect Obi the next time? What will happen if instead of five guys there were eight? No, she won't leave him alone again. She will protect him while he was protecting her, that was her decision, the real reason as to why she was here at this moment. While she was spacing out Obi had got a training sword and he was holding it out for her. “For the first lesson we can start this way but for the next ones I think you’ll maybe want to get more comfortable clothes Miss. I don't think fighting on a dress is useful in any way.” “Have you tried it? Maybe isn't so bad.” “Oh well, maybe I can borrow one from your closet. Wouldn't I be beautiful?” They laughed, as always. No matter how dark were the situation if they were together they always found a reason to smile. He let the blunt sword on her hand while he moved behind her, joining her hands right before her. “See how I left your hands? This is the adequate estance. You’ll have to part away your legs…” He patted her right thigh softly, just enough to make her jump and let her right leg far away from the other. “Like that. Perfect.” Then he proceeded to situate just in front of her, unarmed. “Now attack me as if Zen were just behind you and you're his last chance of stay alive.” She paused for a moment, thinking. Then she breathed slowly, closing her eyes, just before attacking Obi in his front, her sword trembling when he caught it joining his hands right before him. Without releasing it he got closer to her. “If this were a real combat Zen will already be dead. Hold the sword thigh and use more of your strength to move it.” He let the sword go, waiting for another hit. The next one was a bit better but easily dodged. “Not too bad. Now try some hits conjoined.” She did one, crashing her sword into Obi's arm. And then another and another. They were too weak. “You need to think about what you want to protect. About her smile when the battle is over and you can return home. About how sad and lost you'll be if something happens to her. Him.” He corrected himself, too late for Shirayuki not to notice. “Your greatest strength is your care, love and appreciation for whoever you're protecting.” He knew he shouldn't be saying some of this things, specially the next sentence he made. “The best thing to think in the middle of a battle is that you’re worthless in comparison to that person. You're willing to die for her if that means she’ll be back home safely.” Shirayuki stopped her movement to look at him concerned. He wasn't even looking at her, he was talking to himself lost in his own thoughts. “Is that why you're so careless when you're protecting me? You… you rather die for me than let me get hurt?” As if stroked by a lightning bolt he turned to her, eyes wide in fear. He’d said it out loud. “Yes. No. I mean yes but… Look, that's just me. You don't have to do that. For anyone.” Just the idea of her getting murdered protecting Zen gave him creeps. No, he'll be there for her. If that situation ever comes he knew he will do anything to allow them to escape. There were no need to worry. “You are stupid!” He didn't knew when her gaze had changed from happiness and concentration to this angry one but he didn't like it. “You're more important than I am. If you really push yourself to the point where you die for me, you'll be leaving me alone. I wouldn't forgive you. Ever.” This time it was him who looked angrily at her. “I'm your knight, Miss. My life doesn't matter as long as you're safe.” She came closer to him, gripping his shirt with her hand. “You're my friend, my best friend, and your life is far more important than me getting a scratch on the arm. Do you understand that?” He looked at the floor, confused. What could he say? “No.” After a second he added: “I couldn't live knowing you’ve died because of me. I… Miss, I won't live without you.” “Then you'll have to be more careful or I'll have to stay away from you to avoid your stupid suicide. I want to protect you the same way you protect me Obi. That way maybe we can have a happily ever after.” He let out a bitter laughter. “I don't deserve a happy ending miss. That's why I'm so determined to give you the one you deserve.” She catches his hand, smiling. “I won't have a happy ending without you Obi. So let me have it, alright?” The curve of her smile, the bright of her eyes, it was more than he can take. “Alright. One day we'll have our happy ending. Until then… can I live the fairy tale?” And he smiled at her wondering how could he live without her until now.

[nicotinemaiden]

Tears to shed

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain If you cut me with a knife it's still the same And I know her heart is beating And I know that I am dead Yet the pain here that I feel Try and tell me it's not real For it seems that I still have a tear to shed

[Corpse Bride / Danny Elfman]

When he opened his eyes he was in his room. It all seemed right like every other morning. The sweet smell of wet grass filled the air while the birds sang beautifully at the other side of the window. In spite of all that, something was wrong. Something felt different. He got up, examining himself. He was still in his outdoor clothes, something that wasn't exactly odd, but they were scratched and broken at parts. Was he in some kind of fight last night? He couldn't remember. And it looked really bad by the looks of it. But he didn't had any wounds, not even a light headache. Maybe his miss had been healing him? Well, he wouldn't lose anything just to ask. Should he change his clothes before moving anywhere else? Probably they left him there after treat his wounds so he could rest. But why didn’t he had any bandages? The blood on his clothes… was it his blood? No, it was impossible. But he had to figure out what happened.

He jumped out of the window, falling easily in the tree under it. He felt light, as if he could fly, as if he could jump again in mid air. What was this sensation? He was always light, like a feather. But that last jump felt like a bird. He’d never feel so free in his entire life. But at the same time… something chained him to the ground. As if he couldn’t leave. Everything was weird, like a dream.

When he reached the infirmary the window was closed. Inside, his master and his miss were having a romantic moment, or so it seemed. Zen was sitting on top of the desk while hugging Shirayuki, standing in front of him. That kind of scene always left a bitter flavour. On one side he was happy they were so in love with each other, they were… kinda cute. But on the other side he felt jealous. He always wanted to embrace his miss like that, to tell her how perfect she was in his eyes. But he made a promise to himself that he would never tell her because he wasn’t for him. He wasn’t worthy. And so, he left them, searching for some other person that could help him.

Kiki was the third person he ran into. She was leaning on a wall, her arm supporting her while her head was down, looking at the floor. Why was everybody acting so strange today? “Hey, Miss Kiki! What’s the matter? A lover's quarrel with Mister, maybe?” He approached her from behind and put a hand in her shoulder. She turned almost immediately, a surprised look on her face. But then, she started crying. “How… I thought I felt you here for a moment… but you aren’t…” He looked even more surprised than her. “What? Are you alright?” She didn’t answer. She didn’t do anything, not even look at him. “Kiki?” She drawn her sword and attacked him suddenly, making him do a somersault to evade it. “What are you doing?!” He screamed while she let herself fall on the ground. “If only I could have been there in time…” What was she talking about? Was she talking to him anymore? It doesn’t seem so. This was too weird.

After that he found Ryuu, his head on a book as always. But he didn’t seem to be reading at all, more like he was looking at the pages while his mind was elsewhere. “Little Ryuu! I’m so glad to see you. Are you even giving it the attention it deserves?” He flip his page, curious about what was the book about, but Ryuu just got up and closed the window. Did he ignore him? Why would he do that? “Hey, that’s not nice, you’ll never be like me if you ignore your superiors.” Not a word, not a glare, nothing. He sat down and opened his book again. “Did everyone on the castle just decided to ignore me today?” The only person he knew wouldn’t ignore him was his Miss. Maybe Master had leave and he could talk to her.

Shirayuki’s office wasn’t so far away from Ryuu’s, but it was empty. It was a complete mess, the books on the floor alongside some broken jars and herbs. Maybe something happened to her? But, wasn’t Master with her? He crouched to pick up some of the herbs, ignoring the fact that the crystals were damaging his hands. He didn’t feel anything but he could see the little wounds on his hands, without a drop of blood. How was this possible? Maybe it was some of the medication? He picked up one of the big ones and cut himself, his wrist, as if it was paper. There was no pain. There was no blood. Just a big cut in his skin. Fear invaded him. He was always in control of his wounds, the pain, the scars… they were punishment he deserved. But this… this was far worse. This was emptiness. He was nothing. He punched the floor with all the strength he could put, but that couldn’t relieve him. He felt… like death should feel. What was he supposed to do now. The door shut down behind him, his Miss walking into the room without a word. “It’s useless trying to talk to you, isn’t it? I’m… I’m dead. You would never look at me again. You would never smile to me again. We will never eat those Lyrias’ buns we loved so much.” “Obi…” “Miss?” “How could you give your life so easily just to save me?” “If that was the reason I would do it over and over again.” “How could I left you there? How could I have been so selfish? If only I could be in your place right now…” “Don’t say those things Miss, I… I’ll have no reason to live if something happened to you.” Shirayuki was now in the middle of the room, looking down. Obi was right in front of her, even if she didn’t saw him. “I… I don’t know how to live without you. And I don’t want to learn.” She moved to her desk, dropping everything that was on it. “Miss, please…” Her voice was even more broken now. “You promised me you’ll came back to me. You promised me you’ll be with me. Were you lying to me?!” She screamed, so loud he knew all this wing could have heard her. He approached her, her body shaking under al the pressure she was feeling, and embraced her. She stopped crying suddenly, letting out a gasp. “I am here. I won’t lie to you. I will be here until you don’t need me anymore.” She felt warm… and alive. He took the beat of her heart as if it was his. “I want to be with you. I want to feel this warm forever.” “You have a beautiful life to live, Miss.” “I wanted to live my life at your side.” “I’ll be here, with you. And I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” “Nothing could go worse than this. I don’t wanna be here.” “Miss, I don’t wanna see you like this because of me. I wanna see you smile.” “Yes, that’s what he would say.” She looked up, looked at him, at his eyes, and smiled. It didn’t mattered if he was dead if he could saw her smile like that.

[nicotinemaiden]

Letting me go

Honey where you been it's a quarter past 3 I've been calling your phone but you just let it ring it's not like you to be breaking plans leaving me hanging, leaving me hanging

It kinda feels like I'm drowning cause it's all sinking in And baby I'm not stupid I'm just trying to pretend It's not over, it's not over

So tell me why I'm holding on to someone who's already letting go And tell me why I'm miserable When I hear our song on the radio

Tell me why do I try when I'm hurting inside and you fall out on your own Tell me why I'm holding on to someone who's already letting me go

[Hinder]

She was waiting, her hands cold while trying to maintain Obi’s scarf up around her neck and mouth. It was closed night already and her friend hadn't came back yet. She was starting to feel sick, wondering if she shouldn't have let him go alone, as much as he insisted. It all started with a note handed directly to Shiira that Obi won't let anyone else see, not even herself. He just said he will take care of it and she shouldn't worry. But asking Shirayuki not to worry is just another way to make her worry and make it for her impossible to sleep that night. She knew Obi wasn't in his room -she already checked- and since that time when they went out to find him at dawn because he didn't came back, he hasn't disappeared like that. But she couldn't go search for him in the middle of the night with zero clues on where he could be. She let out a sigh, frustrated at her own incompetence. What if something really happened? What if he was hurt? What if she wouldn't be able to see him again after this? What if he’d run away from her? After all, she always worried something like that happened. He came from nowhere one day and he could do the same if he wanted to leave. But why? She thought they were happy the way the things were. She thought...

It was enough. She had to do something, anything. She couldn’t go search him over the world -even if she wanted, desperately- but at least she could go catch some air, maybe see if the guards knew something about him. So she changed her clothes to something more appropriate and headed to the front door. Shiira had to know something about that note.

“Mister Obi? Yes, I don’t think he’s back yet but it’s difficult to tell since he rarely uses the front door.” She could feel her disappointment grow. “Also I’ve been here almost twenty-four hours because my replacement is ill, so I don’t really know…” She was sure he told her that just to calm her, but she doesn’t feel calmer at all. “I understand, thank you.” Shirayuki smiled at him, not really in the mood to smile but trying her best. Maybe she was exaggerating and he’ll just greet her in the morning with a “Hey Miss!” like he always did or maybe he’ll tease her with a “Have you miss me so much?” when he learn she’s been here, looking for him. And what would she say? What reason could she probably have to be so concerned? She couldn’t think of anything, at least not something Obi will take as valid without teasing. She signed, right before she heard a voice in the distance, loud enough for them to hear. “I still don’t know what are you doing here.” She thought he saw her, the same way he always saw her from the shadows, but her thought was dismissed the moment another voice joined him. “I told you: ‘your place or mine?’ and you told me ‘mine’”. There was a silent pause where she could hear her heart clearly, pumping, faster every second. “No, no, no. I told you I - and only me - was going home.” The other voice, instead of giving up, cheered. “Well, since I’m already here…” “Since you followed me here.” Obi corrected her. “Since I followed you here… why don’t we continue what we already started?” She felt dizzy. She shouldn’t been overhearing them but she couldn’t find the strength to move. At her side, Shiira looked absolutely confused by the situation. He was silent, hearing them exactly the same way she was. When he saw her looking at him, he held his weapon stronger and smiled. “You should return to your room, Miss Shirayuki. You’ll get a cold.” The silence between Obi and that voice, or girl, or whatever she was, wasn’t helping. She wondered what they could be possibly doing or maybe if they lowered their voice because they noticed them. A pain in her chest possessed her, making her get her hand near her heart. This feeling… she’d felt it before just in little doses. She felt it when Yuzuri and Obi were too close, whispering things to each other and laughing. She felt it when Kiki and Obi where sparring and he caught her before she could fall on the ground. She felt it when some damoiselle came to Obi asking for a dance. She always assumed it was because she was selfish: He was HER knight, she should be with her, shouldn't he? But right now it hurts. Her ears hurt, her eyes ache and her mind was racing as if it wanted to win the race of its life. When she retrieved the capacity of knowing what surrounded her, she felt the golden gaze she searched right in front of her, just for a moment. When she opened her eyes again she just found dark, blue eyes, almost black. “Are you alright Miss Shirayuki? I’ll escort you to your room.” He’d caught her in mid air, before she could hit the ground. “I… I’m alright. I’ll go. I… don’t really want to be here anymore.” Once she was inside the palace, she ran. She ran to her room and closed the door, falling to the ground the second it was closed. She hugged her knees and drowned her head in the space between. She didn’t felt that when Zen had that date with a nobility’s daughter. Why now? And why Obi? Was she jealous? What was she thinking? She felt her cheeks wet, her eyes aching again. She tried not to feel the rest of her body because it could only get worse. What a beautiful way to find out her real feelings. And now she was crying because she just discovered how felt love. Because what she thinks was love didn’t mattered so much, didn’t filled her so much. And she wanted to scream it, to hug him, until she remembered the reason as to why she was there. She could hear the “clock” of the nearest door closing. He could be there with someone. He could let her lay on his bed. He could be kissing her… or doing things she hadn’t had the opportunity of experiment yet. She noticed the heat in her cheeks and got up her head. She had a lot of things to think tonight and only a couple of hours before dawn. And more important, she’ll have to see Obi tomorrow, she needed to ask him about what she’d heard tonight and, according to his answer it could be a beautiful or an awful day.