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darlinluxx · 3 months ago

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𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 | 𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐎𝐓 ౨ৎ

pairing : elliot x fem!reader

fluff, nsfw

warnings : nsfw, drugs (obvi), cigarettes, alcohol, dom!elliot, sub!reader

- you find yourself sitting cross-legged on Elliot’s bedroom floor at 2am, watching his fingers dance across guitar strings. he’s playing that song he wrote about the night you met, the one he claims isn’t about you (but you know better)

- the constant smell of cigarettes and cologne clings to your clothes after being with him. your parents keep asking you why your sweaters smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

- you get texts that switch between philosophical musings at 3am and radio silence for days. you never know if he’s lost in his head or just lost

- your spotify playlist becomes an odd mix of indie rock he’s introduced you to and the pop songs he pretends to hate

- driving nowhere at midnight, windows down, Elliot’s hand on your thigh while he tells stories about constellations he’s probably making up. the streetlights catch his profile just right, and you understand why people write songs about moments like these

- you learn to read his moods like weather patterns — the storm brewing behind his eyes, the calm in his smile, the lightning in his laugh when he’s trying to hide something

- your heart stops every time he gets “too creative” at parties, always walking that fine line between brilliance and self-destruction. you’ve memorized every local hospital’s address just in case

- Elliot introduces you to his collection of vinyl records he swears sound “infinitely better” than digital. he makes you lie on the floor with him to listen, saying you can’t properly appreciate Radiohead sitting up

- you get used to the way he deflects serious conversations with wit and charm, but treasuring those rare 4am moments when he lets his guard down and shows you who he really is

- you realize that loving Elliot is like trying to hold smoke — beautiful, intoxicating, but impossible to grasp completely. some days that feel like enough, others it feels like drowning

- Elliot’s not the type for elaborate dates. forget the fancy restaurant. your first few outings involved late night drives with the windows down, the music turned up, and sharing takeout in parking lots overlooking the city

- he’s a terrible planner, but he’s always open to going with the flow. one minute you might be browsing a record store, the next you’re spontaneously heading to a concert. it’s always an adventure

- you learn pretty fast that his emotions are a tangled mess. he can go from giggling at a show to brooding about life’s cruelties in a matter of minutes. he doesn’t try to hide it, and that vulnerability becomes something you learn to treasure

- Elliot’s guitar becomes a constant in your life. sometimes he’ll play for you for hours, other times he’ll just fiddle with the strings while you two sit in comfortable silence. it’s a language you both understand

- he introduces you to artists you’ve never heard of, and gets genuinely excited if you start liking them. he loves sharing his passions, not in a boastful way, but with an almost childlike enthusiasm

- but that silence can be heavy sometimes. it’s not always easy. there are days where Elliot’s words get stuck, and you can see the struggle in his eyes. you learn to just be there, a steady presence. sometimes, that’s all he needs

- he tends to overthink. a lot. sometimes he’ll ask you the most profound questions out of nowhere, and other times he’ll just stare at the ceiling, seemingly lost in his head. you learn to listen, and offer a hand when he needs gentle grounding

- Elliot isn’t perfect. you know about his past struggles, and they cast a shadow sometimes. but you don’t judge him. you see the good heart underneath the hurt, and you want to help him heal

- he can be insecure, and you spend a lot of time reminding him how amazing he is. he doesn’t always believe you, but you see the flicker of hope in his eyes when you do

- he’s fiercely loyal. once he lets you in, he’s all in. he’ll defend you to the end, even if he’s quiet and reserved around others

- he can be a little oblivious sometimes. he doesn’t always pick up on social cues, or how his actions might impact others. it becomes your shared mission to help him navigate the complexities of human interaction

- dating Elliot isn’t about the big gestures. it’s the quiet moments: sharing headphones, the gentle brush of his fingers against yours, the way he looks at you when he plays guitar

- he doesn’t need to say “i love you” a million times. you feel it in the way he looks at you, the way he chooses to be vulnerable with you, the way he’s drop everything for you

nsfw :

- Elliot’s kisses are initially gentle, exploring, but they deepen quickly. a surprising fierceness that clashes with his usual demeanor

- he tastes of the mint gum he loves and cigarettes, a combination you’ve grown to find addictive

- he tilts his head, his fingers tangling in your hair, pulling you closer, demanding more

- he bites your lip, just a hint of pain that sends shivers down your spine

- he loves seeing the way you look up at him, a mixture of desire and amusement

- Elliot is a mix of control and abandon. he can be gentle and loving and then suddenly switch to a more primal, urgent pace

- he likes to watch your face, his eyes always connecting with yours, seeking your reactions. he wants to know he’s pleasing you

- his hands are everywhere, exploring, cupping, kneading, leaving you breathless

- he whispers your name, a rough, ragged sound as he reaches his peak

- he’s vocal but not overly so. soft moans, gasps, and sometimes a quiet, satisfied sigh that makes your heart skip. he loves to whisper praises mixed with degradation to you

- for aftercare, Elliot holds you close, his body against yours, as you both try to catch your breath

- he traces patterns on your skin with his fingertips, his touch gentle and soothing

- he peppers kisses along your neck, whispering apologies for being too rough or intense, even though you loved every second of it

- he’s strangely affectionate after, holding you close, spooning you, his hand resting on your hip, as if he physically needs to be close

#elliot euphoria #elliot euphoria x reader #elliot x reader #euphoria #euphoria x reader #dominic fike #dominic fike x reader

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shinmelodia · 2 years ago

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Love & Process: blue (2002)

Hello to everyone reading, and welcome to a highly belated attempt to squeeze some of my thoughts and emotions through some semblance of a creative process and onto a page. Today, I want to introduce this blog by talking about a lovely film, blue (2002), directed by Hiroshi Ando and based on a manga by Kiriko Nananan.

Since I'm still somewhat new at diving into live action film, especially, like, uh, Japanese indie film, its helping to start with the yuri genre. Because like practically any other woman on this site, I quite enjoy lesbians. blue's manga original offers something of an alternative to the yuri norm, though, and the film follows suit. Both are definitely examples of the Japanese filmmaking trend I've heard of called "mumblecore," (or maybe mumble-komi for the manga equivalent) that most people know through the likes of Inio Asano's early work. Like Solanin or Girl on the Shore, blue is shoegazey, quiet, and contemplative, adorned with moments of subtle physical intimacy, layered emotion, and stunningly beautiful compositions of daily life.

My metric for these kinds of slow mood pieces, which I've previously tended to watch at random whenever the mood struck me, is that if my barely-medicated ADHD brain can even finish them, there's clearly something special going on. blue passed with flying colors; yeah, ok, it took two sittings, but I spent all of both enraptured, immersed, and invested in the mono no aware of silent, fragile love and messy asymmetry that formed this movie's emotional palette. blue is about love, of course, but its also about process and expression, both emotional and creative, and how processing things, artistically, verbally, non-verbally--is often required of real, human love.

In being about this, I think it did things for me that a lot of yuri often doesn't and gently hit me in a place that I really needed to be hit. So, let me get into it. This is going to be...very personal, and also obviously spoil the details of the film, if you care about that, although I'm sure there will be plenty of depth left in the text that I leave untouched. Whether you read it or not, I'll be happy I made it. Oh, and sorry if I come off as really New for being so struck by themes and aesthetics that are probably sort of standard for this type of film. I can't help what I feel like writing about, though.

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Kirishima Kayako lives in a small town by the sea, one much like dozens of other anonymous, disaster-prone exurban towns in Japan at the turn of the millennium. She rides the bus to her girls' high school every day, where she eats lunch with her friends and tries her best to learn something in class. Really, though, she's aimless, quiet, lonely, and introspective. She's trying, but its rare for others to be able to tell. She's also in love with her classmate, Endou Masami. When she confesses at the end of the first act, on a windy beach against the vastness of the ocean, Endou responds that she's glad, and the two become our lesbians for the movie. Kayako falls to her knees and cries in relief. Masami is different from the others--she sees how hard Kayako tried. Does that mean she loves her back, though?

Endou Masami has cool passions and interests; she collects American CDs, which she expertly critiques and describes while lending to friends. The mere view of her vibing to her American alt-rock while smoking a cigarette in front of her apartment window is album-cover worthy in itself. Kayako feels the same way: one of the most intimately gay scenes of the pre-confession portion of the film is when Masami lights a cigarette and asks if Kayako is shocked. The quiet girl declares without hesitation, "No, I'm admiring the way you lit the match."

The whole early film is such a delectable, lonely vibe. The slowly intertwining couple's solidifying dynamic is the kind that forms between an emotionally complex introvert and the perhaps even more unknowable yet somehow more confident object of their affection. The two are classmates, (there's no classic yuri kouhais and senpais here) but for the early part of the film we are seeing things from Kayako's perspective and Masami seems unmistakably older in spirit. There's something about the dense emotions conveyed in her gazes at her new girlfriend, the almost world-weary tinge of recklessness in her distant grins. She talks about music Kayako's never heard of and lends out books with Romantic-era paintings that she has well-formed thoughts on. Kayako even openly admits that if she could, she would want to be Masami.

I think we've all loved a girl like that.

It's a pretty typical experience in middle school or high school, for really anyone lonely who loves women, to be drawn to these sorts of sad, beautiful, oh-so-seemingly-complex femmes. I guess straight men have a similar thing going on with the whole Manic Pixie Dream Girl archetype, but for us women (or, women-to-be, at the time, I guess), the phenomenon of these people to us often involves a sort of existential jealousy. I'm not sure what is so alluring to other people about the sense that the object of their love has Something Going On that they are working through, or a vast and complicated life beyond the scope of one's understanding, but it me it always felt like something I was missing out on for myself. Obviously, a lot of their experiences and interests must be interesting and fun and super cool, you think, but even what pain you think they convey must be somehow more edifying than yours.

For me, the edifying aspect was the mere fact of femininity itself. The idea of a girl who has deep and Real emotions, who feels Real love and Real sadness and can actually express that in how she looks, beautiful and imperfect, always threw into stark contrast my own inability to express myself comparably. I was depressed, I was growing up, and I felt things, too, but, as someone who everyone thought was a straight boy and who was too scared to admit to being otherwise, I lacked that sort of beauty, that means of expressing what was inside me through fashion, makeup, book or music knowledge or taste. Or at least I thought I did. Thus, my own emotions must have also meant less. So, I ignored them and belittled them, and entire years passed before I processed a thing correctly. I always wanted to be some other girl. That was the only thing that would fix me.

I assume that the teen (and, uh, sometimes beyond) existential pining experienced by some other people in real life usually lacks the fun bonus that mine had of a screaming void where my femininity should have been, but I'm not sure how much this actually matters to the crux of the kind of experience I'm talking about. That some kind of void is there is all that matters, really, and its there for Kayako in her relationship with Masami at the beginning of the film. She has nothing, Masami is everything, and just being close to her is enough, for now. Just being noticed, just sharing something with her, is all Kayako feels like she can ask for.

Of course, this incomplete way of seeing love can't last, which brings us to the next part of the film, which starts when the two are hanging out and Masami reveals through a guarded, distant grin that she had an abortion a while ago. This isn't something that shocks Kayako or is really meant to shock the audience, and it isn't the big moment where she forced to reconsider her feelings. Rather, she asks how it went, and Masami responds honestly. She mentions she felt horrible the next day and had to be picked up by ambulance from the nurse's office, prompting Kayako to recall silently what to us was the film's first scene, a view from her window during class of an anonymous ambulance, sirens turned off, discreetly rescuing a student.

That she had this ambiguously traumatic, and at least unpleasant and potentially taboo experience is something that could have made Masami feel even older to Kayako, her pain even more distant and obscure. It certainly already is a way that Masami herself feels distant from others. Yet, by considering her own special, observant view of the ambulance back when it happened, it becomes one that Kayako can in some small way assertively share with her. Rather than continuing to put her lover's experiences on a pedestal, Kayako in this scene makes a silent decision to turn a blossoming mutual acceptance simply that they happened into a moment of true intimacy between the two, a sleepover punctuated by smirking kisses and satisfied cuddles initiated by each of them for the other. Despite her remarks that Kayako is weird for unhesitatingly wanting to stay with her, its an intimacy that Masami is happy to accept. This is all an important turning point in Kayako's development because she begins to choose insight, closeness, and assertion over the distant admiration that trapped her earlier.

As we go on, we'll start seeing how blue's gentle impact comes from the way it doesn't glorify or sugarcoat that earlier kind of unhealthy and immature dynamic. Instead it subverts it by giving Masami depth and Kayako agency, before reaching an endpoint that reflects on how the dehumanization of that kind of depressed, pining relationship can be overcome. In that sense, blue is a yuri romance mostly about the couple coming to accept their own and each other's humanity and capacity for expression. Like any good mumble movie, its full of long silences and almost unrealistically hesitant dialog, and doesn't give any explicit internal monologues like a lot of manga do. The world of this movie is one where expression is an uphill battle, something that has to be worked towards and struggled through. It's the world that Kayako and Masami share, in their own separate ways. And that's why its such a triumph to watch Kayako finally find her voice, her passion, and her process, which all starts in this scene.

First, though, it's time to learn about the Something that Masami has Going On.

Things begin when Kayako is still sleeping. Masami gets a call on her house phone that she doesn't answer, but that sends her into a silent spiral of emotional dread. She spends the next day at school in the nurse's office, refusing to tell Kayako what's going on and confiding only in her friend Nakano. Then, when summer break comes along, she disappears, leaving Kayako alone at home, pouring silently over the book of still life oil paintings that Masami lent her.

It ends up being Nakano who tells Kayako why she left. It's the story Masami didn't tell about the source of her abortion: an adult, married man whom she had a relationship with and eventually a pregnancy from. She got things taken care of without telling him, alerted her parents and tried never to see the rotten salaryman again. That is, until he called. He wasn't getting along with his wife anymore, apparently, and she had some sort of attachment to him that made her come running back. Her taste in music originally came from him, after all. It seems that, for the time being, her devotion to this mysterious, abusive man is going to perpetuate a brutal cycle: she'll keep hurting both Kayako and herself all at once.

What really destroys Kayako and her relationship, though, is that she lies about it. When she comes home after some predictably rough interactions with this guy, she tells her supposed girlfriend that she was enjoying a vacation with friends, and even gives her some grapes, supposedly grown in the prefecture she was hanging out in, as a twisted souvenir. The more assertive Kayako enforces her boundaries without hesitation, though, in equally as blunt a tone as she complimented her love, as when she told her she wanted to stay with her, all those nights ago. "Why are you lying to me?" Its with that same grin, now tinged with emotionally oblivious deception, that Masami dares to at first first feign ignorance.

"Eh?" Her smile is shallower than its ever been.

So Kayako walks away.

Their dynamic has now become worse than just immature; it's entirely toxic. From an outside perspective, Kayako is working on her shortcomings, while Masami refuses to reconcile her past. This kind of toxicity, though, is sadly just as common in high school (and even sometimes middle school) as is the kind of misunderstanding, lonely pining I talked about earlier, just usually among different sorts of people. Appropriately, its often even that exact kind of beautiful, hurting, mature femme (in the eyes of disastrous, moody lesbians like Kayako) who is going through that sort of pain. Its that mysterious and tragic byproduct of compulsory heterosexuality that causes a lot of girls to seek validation in the love of an older man, and that I imagine becomes a sort of addiction to that validation that only masquerades as love. Hell, Masami attributes much of what made her seem so interesting on the surface, her love of music, to this guy. She feels like she'd be nothing without him, and the way Kayako praised her, at least in the way she interpreted it, did nothing to dispel this fear. Which I think is really why she decided to go back, even though it would mean betraying the very girl whose love provided her an escape from it all.

Its an ugly truth, and its one that yuri media usually shies away from portraying, but it is explored with refreshing frankness and resolved with astounding maturity by the end of blue. And I think its the source material's status as "alternative" (I guess in Japanese parlance, Garo-inspired) manga, not to mention the movie's simply as an independent film, that allows it to break with genre limitations in this way. There's been tons of writing done on how yuri definitely presents a fantasy of the sapphic experience. Mainstream yuri's origins in Class-S still to this day often cause it to portray romances between women as fundamentally different, and inherently more pure, than those involving men, trapping them in a bubble of unassailable innocence. While that kind of makes sense and seems extremely cool to those of us who celebrate having little interest in moids or whatever, it also has the effect of sugarcoating and sometimes even outright obscuring what real women, even (and sometimes especially) sapphic ones, go through.

There's already a decent amount of yuri, especially among those aimed at older demographics and those where its more of a secondary genre, that do deal with compulsory heterosexuality and the experiences that come with it. What are much rarer are yuri series where one of the lover's flaws more resemble Masami's than Kayako's. Not enough that I've read at least is willing to make its relationships messy, or have one of its leads just do straight up bad things like self-destructive cheating and lying.

Because, really, its the same as what Kayako went through, isn't it? The lonely longing for something more that feels like it can only be cleansed by denying oneself all one has and betting it all on being close to someone else. The only difference between the two's actions is temperament and perhaps socialization--one sought it from a cooler woman, the other from an older man. And somewhere out of sight, that sad, irresponsible, fucked-up adult was probably hopelessly lonely, too, just like Kayako had to accept Masami was. Maybe disaster lesbians, disaster bisexuals(?), and yes, disaster straights aren't so different after all.

Well, other than that Kayako has worked to process her feelings, while Masami went and ruined her relationship over them. That's an important difference. Still, though, even Kayako has some work to do about how she feels about all of this. Masami's pedestal has been smashed, whether she likes it or not, and now she's lonelier than ever. So where does this vampiric cycle of taking from others end? What substance can replace loneliness in this ouroboros of etropic emotional alchemy?

Kayako doesn't touch the grapes. Instead, she silently processes things, lies on the floor listening to the cicadas scream in the garden. The grapes go rotten, and her brother throws them out. She sulks for a while.

Then, she starts painting. A still life of grapes, inspired by the books that Masami lent her. At first, her drawing is lousy, as the school fine arts instructor later tells her, but the colors are gorgeous. The deep purples of the fruits are expertly layered to capture light and tell a story, one deeper than the instructor could possibly imagine. It's the story not only of the transformation of a relationship, but of the growth of one of its participants. As the hot, still air of the coastal Japanese summer cloys around her lonesome final vacation of high school, Kayako finally salvages a passion to call her own out of a floundering relationship. When school starts again and she picks up art classes, going to Tokyo for uni, a dream that was previously held only by Masami, starts to be within her reach. She has a future, an interest, and a way to process all has happened to her.

And then comes the time for Masami to try and return. She proves unwilling to address all that happened before, instead trying to kiss Kayako after school in the art room. Her undeserved attempt at intimacy is rejected with a shove, but so too is her self-pity that causes her to instantly run away. There's more that needs to be said that simply "I'm a terrible person." Kayako pursues her into the town's small shopping district as night begins to fall and neon crackles to life against a cool late summer night. Now the emotional climax of the movie begins.

First, Kayako starts talking. She tells Masami about the painting, about her summer, about how lonely she was without her, about all the places she wanted to go with her. She talks about how happy she was at the same time that she found something she wanted to do without her. This approach is new for her. She's never so far relied on words so heavily to express her emotions. When Masami points this out, Kayako says:

This is how she's choosing to process things for the time being. At first, it was being silent to carefully consider her emotions. Now, its speaking up to keep them focused on what she really wants.

Then, its Masami's turn, for the first time, to tell the truth. By now they're away from the small cluster of lights, staring out at the blackness of the beach where they first got together. Masami broke up with the guy, she says. But she also asserts that she came to his emotional aid to begin with because she felt his need for help was more important than anything else to her. She couldn't tell her girlfriend this before, because doing so would mean telling a truth she didn't think Kayako could bear to hear: that he meant more to Masami than she did.

Kayako already knows this, of course. And by speaking up to quell her justified anger, by weaving words like the deft strokes of honest color on the tip of a paintbrush, she's gotten herself to a point where she can accept it, too.

I mean, think about it. Masami is broke now; Kayako needed to buy her a sandwich so she wouldn't be hungry on their impromptu date. Her sabotaging drive to be validated and her inability to accept love from the girl willing to give it has, by all accounts, ruined her life for the time being and harmed those around her. Even though she broke up with the guy out of necessity, or out of some fleeting impulse to run back to Kayako, she still feels like nothing without him. As she says to Kayako later, now the envy runs in reverse--Kayako is passionate about painting now, while Masami will still amount to nothing. Despite it all, though, Kayako is willing to love her. She's called Masami out on what she needs to be, then decided to stay nonetheless.

"I always come second. You broke up with him, so the number one spot is vacant. When someone else comes, you'll put him there...

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For most of my life, I believed that artistic expression was primarily the product of unrestrained, innate, and self-indulgent passion. I thought it was just something people either have or don't have, and that when they do, its something that can drive them to great heights of accomplishment and happiness otherwise impossible for humans to reach. It was mostly Japanese otaku media that instilled this into me, I think. I grew up exposed to a dizzying array of diverse and often miraculous artistic products that captured my imagination in ways the safe output of my own boring, monolithic home empire never did, and most of them were made by people who literally poured their lives into working on them. From Eiichro Oda's future-destroying, decades-long devotion to making One Piece to Kentaro Miura giving his life to practically paint the ceiling of the Sistene Chapel in pen on page after double-page spread in Berserk, to all of the hyper-passionate, universe-shattering early works of Hideaki Anno and his animator cohorts, I thought that I lived in a world of weird and wonderful treats whose cooks had the work ethic of demigods and the talent to match.

And even on the lower levels of the medium, among fan artists, cosplayers, writers, posters, historians, I felt surrounded by people who lived and breathed impossible passion, whose lives must have been defined by a kind of information processing my brain simply wasn't capable of. They had some ability to inhale the miraculous vapors of an abundant artistic landscape and spew out works of their own that further decorated the texture of a fleeting age of impossible marvels. And all that time, there I was, left on the sidelines, interested in many things but passionate about none, and lacking the motivation to really work to pursue anything at all. It was (and, honestly, still is) a state of existential discomfort similar to that sort of lonely-girl-pining, but doubtlessly far larger in scale. Some people had passion, while I had nothing to show for all my years of being alive. For fuck's sake, there was so much stuff out there, and I barely could muster the motivation to even read any of it most of the time.

After a while, I started to feel like I was simply broken, like I was an empty person that didn't belong in the very world I loved living in. And while I think this might be a niche outlook and insecurity (although one represented, to my profound gratitude, in Masami), I think it's also how a lot of people think about love. Love is often portrayed as a feeling sparked entirely of instinct, one that, when a person truly feels it, will never cause them to make any mistakes or do anything fucked up to those they care about. Something that will drive those bolstered by it to impossible heights, improve lives beyond the sorrow and loneliness to which they are otherwise condemned. But, as Kayako learned and as Masami and I are having to find out, that isn't really the whole story.

Expression is love. Love is process. Therefore, expression is also the labor of putting love through a process, of rigorously trying to get your ass in a seat and put in the steps of putting your feelings into form. As this is required of art, so is it required of relationships. And so the two are a cycle. Creation requires emotions to process; relationships require emotions to be processed. And the love that creation inspires feeds itself into the love for others that inspires the emotion to fuel more creation. A Labor of Love. Again, I know I'm New.

But this is what Kayako has been working up to all movie long, first with her silence, then with some words, then with the labor of painting, the iteration of getting better, then with more words again. She has found a slow cycle that is elevating her above her loneliness, a cycle that Masami helped create, and is welcome within, but that can, if need be, exist without her.

Love, labor, process. Expression, creation, process. Creating, processing, choosing...in the end, to do it all again. To stay with what--and who--you have labored to love. And that is the choice Kayako has made.

I have not yet answered what, after thinking and writing about this movie for days on end, might be the substance that can replace loneliness as fuel for the alchemical cycle of emotional taking and giving. By the end of the lovers' reunion, sitting by the road under the slowly-illuminating blue of a haphazardly-clouded dawn sky, Masami doesn't feel like she has an answer, either. She feels small and hollow, manipulative and weak. She's jealous of the coping strategy her own girlfriend has developed to deal with the effects of her bad behavior. So, in the end, what is she? What is there even left for Kayako to love?

I'll be honest, this feeling is so fucking real I get perilously teary every time I think about it. Because, for as much as I mused about Kayako's feelings resonating with me as a former and sometimes girl-piner, when it comes to my current relationship at age 22, it's Masami in whom I see myself most clearly and brutally. It's hard not to when she is the only representation in romance, let alone in yuri, I have seen so far who is as much of a fucking brat as I am at times. Whose tendency to sabotage her own relationship makes it so asymmetric that what her girlfriend feels appears almost one-sided, but whose love is real all the same. If she lacks process, talent, maturity, mystique, if no one is ever going to be good enough for her, then what at all does she have left?

The answer to all of this is the thing that lies at the core of her being, that makes her who she is. The source of her potential to express herself, the starting point of a process yet to fully begin. It's hard to see, but it's there. Its what makes her Endou Masami. And its what Kirishima Kayako loves the most.

It's color. It's the thing at the core of creation that can't be described with words, that forms the motivation for any process. Its the vivid purple of a painted grape whose intentional creation transcends deception and nurtures discovery. It's the blue of a dawning sky whose light guides two girls in messy, lopsided love back into each other's arms. It's Kirishima Kayako. It's Endou Masami. It's what everyone has, and it's all anyone has.

It's the source of love, its process, and its object.

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Eventually, Kayako has to leave for Tokyo. That's the decision that's best for her, and its a decision that, for the time being, will leave Masami behind in the countryside, hard at work on the process of learning to love herself. At the end of the film, she sends Kayako one final piece of proof of who she is. It's a painting of sorts, recorded on VHS, composed not of oil but of compressed light and sound. Stylistically, as the camera zooms in, it begins to resemble less Renoir and more Rothko: at first, its the beach, then, simply the point of the horizon, the area where the sea and sky meet. Its raw, not quite processed, pure color, vibrant blue, filtered and compressed into chunky, washed-out 800x600.

By way of description, "this is all I can do."

For years, I've struggled to believe that my emotions, hindered by depression and self-sabotage, have any value at all. As someone for whom love, passion, and expression have always felt difficult, even putting my thoughts down on a page, let alone drawing, painting, composing, or directing, has always seemed impossible. Recently, though, I've grown a lot. I've found the beginnings of a process learned to accept its existence. Both this process, and all the loves that go along with it, are often uncomfortable. They are painful and brutal and blissful things into which to pour the labors of communication and the torments of understanding. I've learned to process discomfort for the sake of creation, to create for the sake of love. It sounds cheesy, but again, I can't help what I wanted to write about.

I hope you'll join me as I find more new things and tough feelings I love to process on this account. There's so much more I'd love to say about blue, just for starters. I could talk about my undying appreciation for the work of Mikako Ishikawa, or how the shots in this movie are so gorgeous and evocative that I'd seen many of them before in "Japan in the 00s" vibes compilations.

But, until then, this is all I can do.

#japanese film #japanese cinema #yuri #yuri manga #lgbtq films #teen romance #pining #film analysis #personal essay #blue (2002)#kiriko nananan #mumblecore #long reads

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dateamonster · 1 year ago

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webcomics*! webcomics baby!!! i grew up reading these bad boys like they were the sunday funnies. im serious i would get up early in so i could check my daily roster of webcomic updates before leaving for school.

webcomics sort of feel to me like my generations version of zines. not that both those things arent still around, i just mean that, in the same way that there was this big boom of super creative zine self-publishing in the 70s through the 90s thanks to the increasing access to copy machines, and later home printing, the early 00s-10s was sort of the moment people seemed to collectively realize they could kind of just upload whatever they wanted to the internet and people would actually see it, leading naturally to another boom in indie art and storytelling.

a lot of the comics that popped up around this time were sort of... rough. raw. weird. there were no rules about what a webcomic had to be other than 1) a comic and 2) on the web, so there was some freedom to be as messy or as precise as the author wanted. this led to some real bangers, and some absolute flops. but regardless of how it turned out i think theres something to be admired about the sheer amount of creativity going into these projects that, for the most part, were purely passion-driven without any guarantee of greater recognition or success.

obviously webcomics are still around, but the culture surrounding them has shifted quite a bit. most people who are willing to put in the work of a longform serialized comic In This Economy are also doing so with the hope of being able to profit or at least sustain themselves financially on their work. theres no shame in that! but it has made the webcomic scene more competitive, more polished, less experimental. capitalism at work, you know.

people arent really as incentivized to try new things and dare i say get a little weird with it when innovation doesnt pay the pills. however that doesnt mean that there arent still artists out there who are challenging that.

i got the idea a while ago that i wanted to put together a list of webcomics that have been really influential to me and my own creative efforts, but i realized that list would be a mile long and wouldnt really give me the breathing room to talk about why those works resonate with me. so i decided instead to make a list specifically of my (currently) most beloved, most influential webcomics that i feel like are doing something unique that sort of pushes the boundaries of what is considered a "normal" comic.

presented in no particular order, with all attempts made to be spoiler-free, below:

nasty red dogs and feast for a king by kosmicdream (18+)

delicious, dark, meaty comics. ffak in particular is like this massive sprawling scifi stream of consciousness thick with blood and viscera and. a lot of highly transsexual erotic cannibalism tbqh.

personally i find nasty red dogs a lot more like easy to get into story-wise, but both are just chockablock full of this beautiful grotesque unapologetic and downright indulgent physicality. its pages dripping with every fluid you can think of and some you cant, and its also compelling surprisingly empathetic characters set against a backdrop of otherworldly rituals, cosmic pre-apocolypses, and worlds inside of worlds inside of worlds. body horror heaven lives here.

mr boop and crimehot by alec robbins (very 18+)

if youre at all into weird webcomics youre probably already well familiar with mr boop, and if you arent theres really nothing i can say other than Please give it a shot, but if you havent been keeping up with alecs work since then you might not be as familiar with his current project crimehot. and thats a damn shame because it is all the comedy, unabashed horniness, and surprisingly understated storytelling of mr boop taken to its absolute max.

crimehot is set in a future where nearly every aspect of human life and culture is controlled by an all-powerful all-seeing computer algorithm. but who cares about all that when theres a ragtag team of ultra sexy ultra horny master thieves going on wacky little misadventures together!

alecs style is blunt and simplistic in a way that comes off as juvenile at first glance, and then uses that presumption to completely blindside you with its actual content, reminding me weirdly enough of memeable classic tails gets trolled. in spite of their potential as works of ironic comedy however alecs comics really give me this impression of total earnestness. crimehot in particular is so blatantly un-erotic, with its complete lack of any subtlety, comically exaggerated (and surprisingly diagetic) anatomy, and impossible physical positions, that it circles back around into becoming, indeed, kind of hot. i think silliness can be hot so sue me!

blind alley by adam de souza

departing completely from my last couple recs, blind alley is a cozy, peanuts-inspired comic strip about the day to day lives of the children of blind alley. its also occasionally a deeply unsettling horror-mystery that has just barely begun to show its hand more than two years in. its distinguishing factor to me comes from the fact that the cozy exterior doesnt seem to be there to conceal or divert your attention away from the growing sense of unease that infiltrates its panels on an increasingly frequent basis as the story progresses. it feels more like the two elements live side by side, horror and mundanity, otherworldly creatures and secret conspiracies living peacefully alongside lazy summer afternoons and goofing off with your friends. it perfectly captures the anxiety of knowing that theres something the grown-ups arent telling you, the powerlessness of being a kid.

blind alley feels to me sort of like if those "what if Nostalgic Cartoon was secretly DARK" media theories were actually real, and actually scary. i might be getting ahead of myself as the series likes to take its time and is really only just starting to peel back the layers, but what ive read so far feels makes me feel like this could be something very special.

boy island by leo fox

beautiful beautiful beautiful first of all. the dreamy, surreal visuals? the colors?? oujhjh.. boy island is set in a world split violently in two, divided into boy island and girl island, and surrounded on all sides by a sea of monsters mutants and ghosts, those sorry souls who committed the trespass of trying to cross from one land to the other, or even live outside of either! a boy named lucille must strike out on his own to make it to boy island, but in doing so begins to discover things about the world and in fact himself that reveal an even greater mission.

im making this all sound very dramatic. its a trans story. its about trans people, being trans. its also about surviving the ripples of a world laid out for you by your parents, managing grief for the ones that didnt, and a funny little blue guy named jounce. also did i mention its gorgeous? hot fuckin diggity it is gooorgeous.

vivians ghost by hal schrieve (18+)

speaking of trans comics!! (plot twist: theyre all trans comics suckerrrr) look, all of hals comics are fucking baller and im sure the book zes got coming out will be too, but ive like Imprinted on this one. its attached itself my brain. much like the main protagonist collin has been attached to by his suicide victim best friend and ex highschool bf viv!

the sketchy art style threw me off at first but it quickly becomes part of the charm and meshes very well with the chaotic pace and gutpunch emotional moments. theres a strong element of magical realism that i honestly think comics as a medium were made for. viv is a ghost, and viv is grief, and guilt, and fantasy, and shame, and glorious trans revenge taken form, and hes not even the only apparition in this story, taking the stage alongside cameos by jesus christ, a detransitioners fursona, almanda palmer, and (checks notes) gonzo for a second there i think.

as a disclaimer (or incentive, depending) no one in this story i think is someone you could really call a good person. some of them are in fact plainly terrible. they are all so undeniably fucking fascinating though. and viv himself gleefully inhabits that moral gray area, deliberately and loudly disturbing any image of himself as a pure perfect victim, blurring lines and thrusting both the characters and audience out of their comfort zone. its a challenging read thats not going to be everyone for sure, but i definitely think its worth the read.

(and if this sounds interesting to you but youre not sure you can handle it, hal has other equally good comics that are still heavy on the trans gay relationship drama but much lighter on the childhood trauma.)

what happens next by maximumgraves

if youre reading this on tumblr i hope that youve at least heard of what happens next by now. thee seminal tumblrina art of our time i swear. it starts with a true crime podcast exploring the strange story of griffin and his accomplice milo, trans teen murderers, the latter of which has since been released from the psych hospital while the former continues to serve his sentence. but thats in the past, and in the present milo still has to figure out how to live the rest of his life.

the story moves rapidly, though not necessarily chronologically, in and out of the real world and the online lives its characters frequently inhabit like its guiding you through a twisted dream. its a comic on the internet about the internet from someone clearly well aware of its more poisonous aspects, as well as the addictive quality it can have for someone who has become otherwise isolated from the world.

at the end of the day though the major appeal i think is the characters, how messy and horrible and tragic they can be, which is all you can really hope for from a largely character-driven narrative. to say much more i think would ruin the experience, but ill say what happens next absolutely delivers on its ominous title, and im waiting on the edge of my seat for the next chapter.

preeny has to repeat 6th grade by momodriller

on a Much lighter note, preeny has to repeat 6th grade is a super cute adventure series about a magical little kitty named preeny who on her first day of sixth grade is called upon to go on a great mission. its a sparklefur comic!! ive been really starting to dive into furry art lately, and if youre the kind of person who raises an eyebrow at that statement, fine, whatever, but im talking to the cool people right now so keep it to yourself.

art from within the furry subculture is such insanely creative and passionate stuff, and the focus on this subset in particular, calling back to the early 2000s deviantart xD rAWR s0 rand0m era of online culture, feels so intensely nostalgic it makes my chest ache, despite never being heavily involved in the sparklefur scene myself.

the author states in the comics description that the story takes inspiration from her experiences as an autistic child, and even before reading that man i felt it. what really makes this comic unique to me though is that the majority of characters that appear are based on adoptables the author purchased off of, as she puts it, the children of deviantart. i LOVE that. not only is that probably amazing for the kids, it makes every character feel truly unique and adds perfectly to the overall flavor of the world shes created. there is just not another comic i can think of that feels alive like this one.

broccoli soup by secretpie

ok so i know how we might feel about webtoon comics but hear me out. broccoli soup is probably the first comic ive seen to really exploit the otherwise sort of bland and restrictive format of webtoons, utilizing the excess of white space to enhance the feeling of emptiness that characterizes the protagonist broccoli's time in the blank void they call home as well as to make the sparse use of color really pop in contrast.

broccoli soup is a mysterious series thats a little hard to pin down in terms of genre. a strange little being named broccoli spends their days in a vast blankness drinking tea with their loving yet highly suspicious Best Friend and benefactor, doris. doris has the ability to move between worlds, coming and going as she pleases, while broccoli is only allowed to leave when they are on a mission on her behalf. these missions vary, but the goal is always the same: make everything Polite and Good.

as the story progresses, little by little more friends and more color come into broccolis still new existence. the art style also changes from world to world, which imo is a very nice touch. and! theres music! its an interesting project that dances back and forth between fantastical whimsy and some surprisingly dark moments. and thats the shit i like to see.

thats all for now! though if im lucky there will be many more fun stories and projects to talk about in the future. keep in mind as well that this is like barely half of all the webcomics im currently reading, just the ones that most stick out to me as really doing something special.

until next time yall!!

oh wait sike honorable mentions time

awful hospital by bogleech

the only reason this isnt up there with the rest is bc im woefully behind at the moment. ill get back to it eventually! awful hospital is an interactive multimedia horror-comedy webcomic about a hospital that is. well this hospital is simply sub-par to say the least.

hedgehog's dilemma by mellodilla

this ones still a little new to say much on but so far it looks like a cute series. what most appeals to me is that the art style looks like something that fit in seamlessly with an early 90s newspaper comic strip. in particular it has a strong calvin and hobbes vibe to me. just, you know, about wacky lil lesbian animals living their lives.

ok now im done for real

*for clarity's sake, im using webcomic here to mean "a series of comics that was first published and predominantly exists online" so even if a print version exists, i still consider it to be first and foremost a webcomic. this also includes comics that contain a multimedia or interactive element. if its a combination of pictures and words to tell a story, its a comic.

also my list is probably going to end up massively favoring serialized fiction because thats just what i like to read, but i dont necessarily think thats a required element.

#ungodly screeching #recommendations #kinda off topic but also kinda not lol #this got way out of hand #oh also if i got anyones pronouns wrong pls let me know! i tried to track everyones down

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grimsplash · 9 months ago

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Horror Rant.

TW: spoilers for urban spooks analog series and scary themes (obviously!).

Reader discretion is advised.

Recently, I've been just.. not scared by horror related stuff. Its ironic in the way that horror is *supposed* to be scary, no matter what kind of horror genre it is whether it be analog (internet) horror, horror stories, gore, horror movies, well- except jumpscares, those always work for me but even those are dull to me now! It's truly a sad reality, but, I still enjoy horror nonetheless. When I was younger i was always interested in the horror genre. I mean, Me and my dad actually watched Annabelle when I was a little kid and my first hyperfixation was fnaf and other indie horror titles you've seen online before like: bendy & the ink machine, creepypastas, and much more. Having being a very passionate fan of the horror genre, it makes me sad to see it all become watered down and the complete opposite of what 'horror' was supposed to be in the first place. Like for example: urban spooks analog series, the art and soundtrack is amazing, but the story is too repetitive and really only exists for shock value. The newer installments of their series have had more interesting ideas and more like the phone call between the woman and the police officer or the animation of the killer(s?) breaking into a house of their newest victim(s). Horror media like: skinamarink, marble hornets, abandoned by Disney (the creepypasta), the babadook, and the list go on, are an example of some good horror related media. They have a cohesive story (if given time), good writing, good artistic creativity, music (if they have any), and they use their scare tactics to spook you: scare tactics much like how the backrooms uses your feeling of nostalgia and familiarity to trick you into a false sense of security just to pull that (figurative) rug out from under your feet and drop you right into the spooks. It saddens me to see the horror genre fall down into a deep, dark pit like this, it really does. What you, the reader, can take away from this rant is that if you want to make your own scary series, you should do it, just learn from the mistakes from horror creators before you and better your own with those lessons, go on and create something beautiful, viewer. stay creative and be safe, everyone! :0)

#rant post #ranting #personal rant #rant #horror series #liminal spaces #liminal #horror movies #horror media #horror stories #horror #analog #analong horror #internet horror #creepypasta #creepypasta stories

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pretentious-art-love · 7 months ago

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Album Reviews #30 - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins

I accept that there are some long chunks in the record where to me the record is just okay, just okay, there are several songs that are just fine, just alright, but I love the idea of just a long, massive album having grunge, dream pop, post hardcore indie like early pixies, metal and everything in between. The album is not afraid of playing several sides of the 90s music scene and to be dark and heavy or to be emotional and beautiful. This is just a fantastic huge collage of alternative music from the decade.

Trust me, it won't throw you out for a loop either. Do you want to know that is the one single trick that all albums that try lots of styles and genres follow to keep a cohesive experience? They engulf all sounds and songs into one single consistent imagery. In Mellon Collie, the whole album enters you into a fairy tale and gives a strong late Victorian-era feel, and it feels like a huge adventure! The highs are really high and there are so many special moments so I won't blame the whole album because I just can't connect further beyond with some of the tracks this time of my life (and people seem to like as well), I saw that some people would have preferred to made the creative process behind this album a democracy, what an horror! If some tracks were removed, I am pretty sure we wouldn't have as much range in the music and so many ideas even if not everyone can't connect with 100% of the record. I even love some of the less popular tracks like Scorched Earth. Sometimes more is more! More! I know that a lot of people like to do change the tracklist since it's flow is rather obtuse, but with the digital era in our hands you can reorganize the tracks anyway you want and make the transitions a lot more subtle if you prefer. I also did a change in the order of some of the songs, but I still find it really cohesive and a wonderful experience from beginning to end.

I must accept that I also have some rather accidental connection with this record since some of the songs were played by my sister when she was into Rock and I was a little little kid. To me listening to To Forgive is like reaching to the most deep and primitive layers of my memory, to try and remember hazy feelings of very old worn out houses with yellow and green tiles, of seeing the world from so below, to not think about particularly anything and just explore everything with a temptative and curious mind, to me listening to this song is like letting myself be whispered by an ancient lullaby that takes me to the beginning of time. When the lugubrious vocals and tone of the song turn for a single moment into an uplifting hopeful melody, I feel like I am able to start my life from the beginning all over again. There are a lot of traces of these old blurry memories for me in these songs. Yes, it might be beautiful for me, but it doesn't really add anything to you, but aside from that anecdotic connection I have, I can guarantee the quality and of a lot of the songs as well as their emotional depth with the passionate and the naive.

To me this comes as an album that is more than the sum of its parts. Not only there are a lot of moments to enjoy but they are all varied in their sound and emotional reach. And if one thing is for sure is that I really, really love self indulgent, excessive, pretentious art. And the fact that the singer sounds like a cartoon character resonates with me in a level I can't even understand. Great album.

8/10

#the smashing pumpkins #billy corgan #grunge #90s #alternative rock #album review #music review #childhood #coming of age

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i94so · 1 year ago

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. . . ✿﹐standing at just 165 centimeters tall, this starlet will remind you of chaos, beauty, and everything found in between followed by the smell of rosewater, fresh vanilla, and dark cherries, & the feeling of curling into bed after a long day.

✿　⸻ TAPE ONE : IN BLOOM !

BIRTH NAME. lee so hee STAGE NAME / KNOWN ALIAS. han so hee NICKNAME(S). —

DATE OF BIRTH. november 18, 1994 AGE. twenty-nine ( 29 ) PLACE OF BIRTH. ulsan, south korea ZODAIC. sun in scorpio, moon in taurus, rising in aquarius

GENDER + PRONOUNS. cis woman + she/her

RELATIONSHIP STATUS. single CRUSH / LOVE INTEREST. lee taemin of shinee ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. demiromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION. pansexual

PIERCINGS + TATTOOS. there have been moments where she had multiple face piercings, but after trying them, she removed them. instead, she just has standard ear lobe piercings. most of her tattoos were removed for her career, but so hee has two that fans can occasionally see ( on her right side and a floral one on her waist ) while others are still hidden from view.

MAIN OCCUPATION. actress, model

LANGUAGES. korean ( native ) + english ( basic )

PERSONALITY. traits quirks habits curious. indecisive. playful. kind. worrisome ( about those she cares about ). anxious ( at times ). cautious in trusting others. very expressive, even outside of work. passionate. determined. loyal. a bit secretive. calm, but bright. stubborn. meticulous. reserved around people she isn’t close with, but is still polite. creative. spontaneous. independent. open-minded. can come across as cold or aloof at times.

LIKES. blackpink ( her favorite member is jennie ). comfortable clothing. dresses ( because they're easy to put on ) or workout attire. loves to hear : "let's meet again!" / "let's meet again soon!" the color black. ramyeon ( it's her favorite food ). loves all animals ( she does not have a favorite ). rock / indie / alternative music. films, especially noir ones. art. spongebob. going on walks. journaling / art diary. reading. cozy nights in with friends. watching mukbangs, especially dessert ones. still water. mint chocolate. mike wazowski. learning / playing the piano. spring ( her favorite season because it's warm in the day and cold at night. she gets too hot quickly and gets too cold easily, it rules out summer and winter. the fall makes her feel lonely ).

FAMILY. father ( estranged ), mother ( estranged ), grandmother ( extremely close )

✿　⸻ TAPE TWO : SHE BLOSSOMS !

when planning for a trip, she prefers to improvise — date, place, food; it all depends on the mood.

formerly an infp but is currently an enfp. though, she thinks that she is a combination of both.

so hee has two cats, a white one named hammer and a grey one named marsh-ie.

she is a sensitive sleeper and often has to spray an aroma that comforts her to sleep.

prefers to go out than stay in; she considers herself a busybody, even if it means doing things independently. the only time she likes to stay in is if she's been super busy. then, she prefers to stay home and watch things or read.

her art journey started with fashion design, later to details in art, before fine arts until she switched focus to becoming an actress.

she is not afraid to admit that she's a bad dancer, and would even prefer being a good dancer over being a good singer.

so hee isn’t one to approach people first, she would rather they come to her.

her habit when taking a photo is doing the 'toothache pose'.

✿　⸻ MIXTAPE : WE FLOURISHED !

below are all of so hee's connections within seouless. disclaimer : if you're unhappy with a description, please let me know. this will be kept up to date as time passes.

✶ seokjin of bts ⸻ ex

prior to him, so hee had been in a string of casual relationships, nothing that ever meant too much. she had been too focused on making ends meet to working her hardest for her dreams to come true for something so serious. things changed when meeting seokjin — her first true love and serious relationship. it was serious for her to the point where so hee felt that he really was the one. the two breaking up was out of love, for the sake of their happiness. it was a tragic, bittersweet ending to something that was once so beautiful. it inevitably changed how she guarded her heart and decisions she isn’t necessarily proud of.

they are on good terms and so hee no longer has a romantic attraction or interest in seokjin; just fondness and a constant wish for him to be happy.

✶ jungkook of bts ⸻ family / younger brother

with so much in common, it isn’t surprising to anyone around them on how well these two meshed and simply clicked together. jungkook is one of the very few people that so hee truly allows herself to be free around, more than usual. she barely keeps secrets from him, though, so hee would not be able to tell you if she has any secrets from him. jungkook is someone she feels safe with, that she can trust, and the feeling seems to be mutual. so hee would do anything to make sure he’s happy.

✶ taemin of shinee ⸻ love interest / crush

despite being deeply attracted to one another and the two of them knowing it, something always prevents it from happening. one thing is for sure : when things begin to get serious between the two, so hee, more often than not, tends to back away. perhaps so hee is too afraid to get into another relationship for fear of getting hurt again or maybe it's taemin's imprudent actions at times. reviving their friendship after losing contact, who's to say if so hee will finally let him in in the end?

✶ wooyoung of ateez ⸻ family / younger brother

everyone needs a support system, someone they can turn to when things are too much. and well, that’s who so hee is for wooyoung. no matter the time of day or night, all it takes is a simple message and she’s there. in trade, so hee has recognized him as a younger sibling — leaving him subject to her worrisome messages to make sure he’s doing okay and taking care of himself.

✶ johnny of nct ⸻ old flame / confidant

acquaintances that crossed over into friends with benefits at one time or another, with the condition of no strings attached. it was a time after johnny’s break up with joy — things never go to plan, especially not this. with him wanting to make things official, so hee ended things out of fear of just being nothing but a rebound. unbeknownst to her, this led to johnny having the reputation he’s given himself now. after losing contact, seeing each other once so much time has passed makes the past they once shared feel like ancient history. seems that the two of them have crossed paths at the right time.

✶ danielle of newjeans ⸻ new friends / younger sister

though their friendship is still fresh, so hee cares for danielle like she’s the younger sister she’s never had. so hee does her best to help navigate her through the new found journey of dizzying fame and the industry itself. in the end, so hee has a little habit of doting on danielle, too.

✶ casual friends ⸻ jinyoung of got7.

✿　⸻ pinterest. musing tag. visage tag. wanted connections.

#⟣ 𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐃 ╲ post #kind of a wip but !! <3

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dearestones · 2 years ago

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Twisted Wonderland Matchup: Azul Ashengrotto #3

@jellyfishuuuuu Request: A twst matchup please ,romantically ,only students ,and thank u.

I'm a 5'5" (165cm) Arab girl who wears a hijab, with big, light brown eyes, red-framed glasses, and a round face. I'm into drawing (and crafting ,i am good with my hands), love all kinds of art and find beauty in alot of things if u look through multiple perspectives. I enjoy fanfics, video games(horror and non horror) and horror movies, and anime. I'm also into biology(mostly) and physics.i love technology and anything that has to do with it .

In terms of personality, I'm adaptable and can appear reserved in public. I've had trust issues due to past betrayals. With close friends, I'm more open, cheerful, and caring. I'm creative, passionate, and smart but lazy and unmotivated most of the time.i am trilingual, I speak Arabic (native) ,French and English and i plan to learn more.

I've had my share of struggles, including bullying and dealing with depression and anorexia for a year(in middle school which led for me to be insecure ,have self doubt and being antisocial) ,I strive to be the best version of myself but I am afraid that i won't make it (burntout gifted kid who is excepcted to still excel at everything (my mom has high standards for me that i never seem to meet to make her satisfied with me). I have a varied taste in music(pop ,jazz,classical, alt/indie ,but i love rock &roll and metal the most)and prefer comfortable, baggy clothes. I can be sarcastic and blunt with close friends but am generally polite and respectful but moody and pessimistic .I am anxious and I hate going outside but unfortunately i have to.

After going through the description given, I believe that you best pair well with Azul Ashengrotto!

Azul doesn’t think of you as much, only what you can offer him if he ever decides to make a deal with you. However, he is quite taken aback by your headwear. As a merman, he’s never seen many mermaids who have decided to wear something in their hair (the drag in the water would hold them back). Masking this opportunity to gather information on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, he’ll gladly ask you about the fabric that which you use to hide your hair. Why do you wear it? Is it a special type of fabric? As a merman who’s part octopus, it’s in his nature to be inquisitive, but feel free to tell him off if he gets too nosy or if you’re not comfortable answering questions about your culture.

Azul is a classy sort of person, but he loves it when you create art! He has a deep respect for those who work with their hands, especially when it takes years of constant practice to perfect your craft. While he may not be as fluent in art as certain other students at Night Raven College, he can appreciate that you look for beauty through multiple perspectives. He has yet to meet that level of maturity, but he’s glad that he can see that trait in you.

As for your interests, he may not know all about the specifics of all of them (“What’s this fanfic you like reading?”), he does play video games from time to time. Honestly, it comes with the territory of being in the same club as one Idia Shroud. While he may not be as skilled or as into those types of entertainment, he can give you a run for your money if you give him time to practice. Furthermore, he doesn’t care what sort of video game you play, as long as he gets to play with you. (Horror games are his personal favorite, though. The Coral Sea and Jade in a good mood are far scarier, so he gets to use this time to mock the graphics or the weak jump scares or how you shy away in fear whenever you’re scared).

Being interested in the sciences is another point for you in Azul’s book! He’s more interested in chemistry and how it relates to potions and alchemy, but biology and physics sound just as interesting. If you ever get close to Azul and if he ever feels comfortable, he could show you some aspects of cecaelia biology. However, he’ll mostly refer you to texts detailing the differences among human, beastfolk, and merfolk anatomy.

Azul understands what it’s like to be betrayed in the past, especially when it comes to bullies. Like you, he had to deal with issues regarding his weight, which still affects him to this day. Despite this, while he may fall prey to becoming one of his bullies, he admires that you can rise above your past and become your best self. He endeavors to be his best self as well, but it’s harder for him. He feels that he has to take and assert power so that he can remain on top.

Azul will never admit it, but he hopes that one day, the both of you will one day be comfortable enough to let down both of you guards so that you may be free to express yourselves. He admires your drive, but he will also be there to motivate you to do your best and to get things done.

In addition, Azul is also impressed that you’re a polyglot. Three languages? That takes a lot of time and energy to master! He can understand being bilingual, but he’s truly floored when he hears that you’re trilingual. And you’re planning on learning more? That’s totally amazing!

Having a mom that expects too much from you is not an issue that Azul can relate with, but he will have your back. He’ll always support you and listen to you vent if you ever need someone to know how much your mother keeps expecting perfection, but can never be fully appeased by your efforts. Burnout is not a matter to be taken lightly, and while it can’t always be cured by menial efforts, he will gladly take you to the Lounge and treat you to a grand meal and dessert! (Free of charge, of course. If you ever want to make a contract concerning your situation… well, that’s another matter entirely).

Overall, the both of you have similar backgrounds, but with different approaches to how you confront your past traumas. Together, the both of you can motivate and learn from each other to be your best selves. As long as you have trust and faith in your relationship, you’ll find that you have a great boyfriend in Azul.

If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

TWISTED WONDERLAND MASTERLIST

#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland azul #twst azul #azul ashengrotto #twisted wonderland azul ashengrotto #twst azul ashengrotto #dearestones #devintrinidad #character matchup #matchup

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lexmetech · 1 month ago

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Unlocking the Secrets: How Lexmetech Systems Elevates Game Development

The gaming world is changing fast. To stay ahead, you need fresh ideas, skilled experts, and the latest tech. Lexmetech Systems is a top game development company that turns creative ideas into amazing games. But what makes them special? Let’s find out how they make game development better.

🚀 What Makes Lexmetech Different?

1. They Use the Best Tech

Lexmetech works with powerful tools like Unity and Unreal Engine to build fun, high-quality games. Their team always keeps up with new trends to make sure their games are modern and exciting.

🔗 Check out their Mobile Game Development Services to see their work!

2. Full Game Development Support

They handle everything—from story ideas and character design to coding, testing, and launching the game. This means you get a complete game without any hassle.

3. Games Made Just for You

Every game is unique. Lexmetech customizes each project to fit the client’s vision, whether it’s a simple mobile game or a big multiplayer adventure.

4. Awesome Graphics and Sound

Great games need great visuals and sound. Lexmetech’s team creates beautiful worlds, smooth animations, and cool sound effects to make games feel real.

5. Works on All Devices

Games should run perfectly on phones, computers, and consoles. Lexmetech optimizes their games so players enjoy them on any device.

🎮 How Lexmetech Builds Games: Step by Step

Step 1: Brainstorming Ideas

First, they listen to your game idea and help shape it into a fun story with cool characters and gameplay.

Step 2: Testing the Concept

Before making the full game, they create a small demo to test the mechanics and get feedback.

Step 3: Building the Game

Using smart development methods, they code the game and add features like multiplayer modes, AI, and AR/VR effects.

Step 4: Fixing Bugs

Nobody likes glitches! Lexmetech tests the game thoroughly to make sure it runs smoothly.

Step 5: Launch & Updates

After release, they keep improving the game with new content and fixes to keep players happy.

💡 Why Pick Lexmetech for Your Game?

✅ 50+ Successful Games – They’ve made hit games in different styles. ✅ Always Innovative – They use the latest tech to create unique games. ✅ Skilled Team – Passionate developers and designers work together. ✅ Clear Communication – They keep you updated at every step.

🔗 Want to make your dream game? Work with Lexmetech Now!

🎯 The Future of Gaming with Lexmetech

Gaming is moving toward virtual worlds, blockchain games, and smart AI characters. Lexmetech is leading the way with next-level game experiences.

Whether you’re a small indie developer or a big studio, Lexmetech can help you create a winning game.

🚀 Start Your Game Development Journey!

Don’t just play games—make your own with experts who know how. Lexmetech Systems is the best choice for fun, high-quality, and successful games.

📢 Have a game idea? Let’s make it real!

🔗 Contact Lexmetech Today and begin your game adventure!

Final Words

Making games is like creating art, and Lexmetech Systems are the masters. With their skills, creativity, and hard work, they’re changing the gaming world—one game at a time.

Ready to make something amazing? 🎮✨

#GameDevelopment #GameDev #IndieDev #GamingIndustry #LexmetechSystems #TechInGaming #GameDesign #UnrealEngine

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independentartistbuzz · 3 months ago

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INDIE 5:0 - 5 Q's WITH GAVIN HOLLIGAN

Some artists stumble into music, while others seem destined for it.

For Gavin Holligan, the journey took an unexpected detour—first through the world of professional football before injuries forced a hard reset. But rather than seeing it as a setback, he embraced it as the push he needed to fully commit to his first love - music.

Now with a sound that fuses soul-baring lyricism, beautiful and lush harmonies and an effortless command of rhythm, Gavin has carved out a unique space for himself in the industry.

His work has led him to collaborate with music legends like Stevie Wonder and Gloria Gaynor, while his acclaimed ballad "More Than One" shows his ability to craft songs that leave a long and lasting impact.

As he gears up for new creative ventures, including an album that pushes him outside his comfort zone, a conceptual live night in South London, and ambitions that stretch from the Royal Albert Hall to film and TV scoring - Gavin sat down with us to talk about his journey, the power of music to connect people, and the dreams still waiting to be realized.

From the pitch to the stage, your journey has been anything but conventional. What inspired you to leave behind a professional football career and pursue music full-time?

To be honest, Music was always going to be a pursuit, it was just a matter of when! Injuries persisted plague me throughout my career, and eventually there came a time when I began to resent not being able to stay fit and do what I knew what I was capable of.

My outlet and passion for music actually kept me going, but then I just mentally snapped after a final hamstring strain, and walked away for good, without hesitation.

Your music blends soul lyrics and spacious arrangements with a timeless sound.

How do you approach the process of creating a song that resonates so deeply with listeners?

Thank you, that’s a lovely summary.

Well to be honest I have developed my sound over the course of 12 years, through many many twists and turns creatively, experimenting to find the main ingredients that present my artistry best. I guess my knack for poetic storytelling with punch and sometimes clever wit,

My tone of voice (which I guess is a DNA thing), my love for meaningful harmony (being a piano player) and my profound appreciation for rhythm. (growing up listening to all sorts of music ranging from Bob Marley and George Benson, right through to Antonio Vivaldi and Freddy Mercury.

You’ve worked with some incredible artists, from Stevie Wonder to Gloria Gaynor and beyond.

What’s the most valuable lesson you’ve learned from collaborating with such iconic names?

The main thing I have taken away is that music is a universal language. Every artist, every genre, every song, is always ultimately doing one thing, connecting souls to others that may be different on the outside, but wired similarly within.

Then also, the music that truly resonates with us, ultimately reminds us exactly who we truly are, (or at least who we long to be)!

Your ballad "More Than One" received lots of acclaim. What was the inspiration behind that song and how did it shape your identity as an artist?

‘More Than One’ is really a song of deep gratitude. I know as humans, we can fall into the natural habit of pointing out the things that perhaps irritate us, or leave us feeling sour or resentful.

With this song, I wanted to turn things 180%, and recognize the many trials and tribulations that others have had to overcome, as something I can be thankful for.

With your experience in both performing and producing, where do you see your musical journey heading next?

Are there any dream collaborations or creative milestones you’re aiming for?

I have so many creative roads to pursue, I am desperately trying to slow myself down and take things one day at a time! Haha. But long term, I have a dream to one day perform at the Royal Albert Hall. I would like to record an album in America at some point, and I would love to do a world tour if that opportunity arises. Also, I am very keen to explore writing for film and TV, as I think that would suit my artistic approach and give me a chance to channel that side of my musical voice more.

For now, I currently have a few other independent artists that I am enjoying creating with, and I am also about to launch my own conceptual 'live night' in South London (where I’m from and reside). Finally, I am currently working on a new album, which I am very excited about, as I am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone!

Listen to Gavin's latest single "Just Passing Through (Live Version" here now:

#spotify #youtube #music #indie #new music #interview #indie music #indie artist #rock #pop

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thebandcampdiaries · 1 year ago

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whenitsmytime has announced a new release: Optimistic

March 2024 - whenitsmytime is the moniker behind Russian-American producer and songwriter, Andrew K. He has a focus on creating catchy and fun music with a very colorful creative DNA. From the punch of alternative music, down to the melodic edge of indie, the possibilities are truly endless for an artist who loves to experiment and set the bar higher in terms of innovation and vision.

There is something special about making music with so much freedom in an artist’s mindset, and Optimistic, the band’s upcoming release, is a particularly spot-on example of what I am talking about here. The song has a solid beat, which serves as the backbone of the track. In addition to that, the vocals are very distinctive and effortless, depicting whenitsmytime’s one-of-a-kind character and vibe.

Within a little over 3 minutes, the track paints a beautiful sonic portrait, channeling some pop influences but also some tasteful atmospheric elements. The drum beat has a mid-tempo pattern, which shines for its unique pace and one-of-a-kind approach to creativity. In addition, the vocals are ethereal and soothing, matching the dreamy quality of the guitars and melodic parts of the instrumental.

The layered harmonies and reverberation effects also work wonders, making the song feel intuitive and immersive. The saxophone solo is one of the highlights of the arrangement, adding more depth to the emotional peak of the song and contributing to its many varied sonic nuances.

The song talks about the problem of unnecessary anxiety and suffering that is caused by our culture's obsession with success and consumerism. We all want more, and we want it now, and if we don't get it, we feel like we failed. This track is a powerful invitation to let go of these notions and, instead, enjoy the present moment. Yes, life might not be perfect, but it can still be a wonderful adventure despite its flaws. Happiness lies hidden in plain sight; it's up to you to focus on the now and find it! Musically and lyrically, this track is loaded with passion and intensity, and it feels like whenitsmytime would be a kindred spirit with artists such as M83, Men I Trust, Dead Rituals, Cage The Elephant, and Portishead, only to mention a few. If you enjoy any of the aforementioned acts, do not pass up on this one!

Find out more about whenitsmytime and listen to Optimistic, which is now available on the web!

We also had the opportunity to ask the artist a few questions: keep reading to learn more!

Your music is very diverse, with elements from different genres. What inspired you to create such a distinct sound, and how do you approach blending various styles in your music?

Usually, when I write and produce my music I try not to set specifc expectations or references of what I’m trying to get. Instead, I’m letting the painting draw itself and ask myself what sounds could best highlight the idea of the track. Of course, I have my infuences, but I don’t think about any of them in particular while working on a new piece.

“Optimistic" seems to carry a message about finding happiness in the present moment and letting go of societal pressures. Can you tell us more about the inspiration behind the song and how you hope it resonates with your listeners?

There are many moments in life that can make you feel nihilistic and overwhelmed, especially in the modern world that is changing so fast. I would like not to disclose and break down every lyric, but I put a good deal of thoughts in each line and hope at least some of it will resonate with the right person in its own way and maybe let them feel they’re not alone feeling this anxiety.

Your upcoming release, "Optimistic," touches on themes of anxiety and consumerism in modern society. How do you see music as a tool for addressing societal issues, and what role do you think artists like yourself play in sparking conversations about these topics?

I believe music is supposed to unite and heal people, establishing some solid bridge of communication. Not only between the artist and listener but also around specific aspects of our lives. The artist is just a vessel, the eyes and ears to witness the struggle, the patterns, the beauty of life. Communication through art is very subtle, and often even the artist cannot tell the potential impact that can be achieved by the piece. But it’s worth expressing it truthfully; that’s what gives it value.

How do you approach vocal delivery when crafting your songs, and how do you feel it contributes to the overall atmosphere of your music?

Emotional elements are important. Though I’m far from a professional vocalist, I can never find time to get myself on that level since I’m wearing so many hats. But maybe in a way, it’s teaching me not to be much of a perfectionist but to try to experiment and explore my own voice. Rather than trying to compare myself with someone else in an attempt to sound better and more polished. I like to think that it gives some uniqueness and authenticity, maybe even relatability to some degree.

Could you share a bit about your creative process when it comes to crafting the instrumental elements of your music, and how you ensure that they match the message and mood of the track?

Do you have any plans of live performances and/or touring?

Yes! My goals for this year are to be released consistently and put together a live show. I will likely start performing in Nashville first, but eventually, I would love to book some shows in other places, too.

#whenitsmytime #optimistic #Spotify

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oscopelabs · 4 years ago

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Isn’t Everything Autobiographical?: Ethan Hawke In Nine Films And A Novel by Marya Gates

When asked during his first ever on-camera interview if he’d like to continue acting, a young Ethan Hawke replied, “I don’t know if it’s going to be there, but I’d like to do it.” He then gives a guileless shrug of relief as the interview ends, wiping imaginary sweat off his brow. The simultaneous fusion of his nervous energy and poised body language will be familiar to those who’ve seen later interviews with the actor. The practicality and wisdom he exudes at such a young age would prove to be a through-line of his nearly 40-year career. In an interview many decades later, he told Ideas Tap that many children get into acting because they’re seeking attention, but those who find their calling in the craft discover that a “desire to communicate and to share and to be a part of something bigger than yourself takes over, a certain craftsmanship—and that will bring you a lot of pleasure.”

Through Hawke’s dedication to his craft, we’ve also seen his maturation as a person unfold on screen. Though none of his roles are traditionally what we think of when we think of autobiography, many of Hawke’s roles, as well as his work as a writer, suggest a sort of fictional autobiographical lineage. While these highlights in his career are not strictly autofiction, one can trace Hawke’s Künstlerromanesque trajectory from his childhood ambitions to his life now as a man dedicated to art, not greatness.

Hawke’s first two films, Joe Dante’s sci-fi fantasy Explorers with River Phoenix and Peter Weir’s Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams, set the tone for a diverse filmography filled with popcorn fare and indie cinema in equal measure, but they also served as touchstones in his development as person drawn to self-expression through art. In an interview with Rolling Stone’s David Fear, Hawke spoke about the impact of these two films on him as an actor. When River Phoenix, his friend and co-star in Explorers, had his life cut short by a drug overdose, it hit Hawke personally. He saw from the inside what Hollywood was capable of doing to young people with talent. Hawke never attempted to break out, to become a star. He did the work he loved and kept the wild Hollywood lifestyle mostly at arm’s length.

Like any good film of this genre, Dead Poets Society is not just a film about characters coming of age, but a film that guides the viewer as well, if they are open to its message. Hawke’s performance as repressed schoolboy Todd in the film is mostly internal, all reactions and penetrating glances, rather than grandiose movements or speeches. Through his nervy body language and searching gaze, you can feel both how closed off to the world Todd is, and yet how willing he is to let change in. Hawke has said working on this film taught him that art has a real power, that it can affect people deeply. This ethos permeates many of the characters Hawke has inhabited in his career.

In Dead Poets Society, Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) tells the boys that we read and write poetry because the human race is full of passion. He insists, “poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.” Hawke gave a 2020 TEDTalk entitled Give Yourself Permission To Be Creative, in which he explored what it means to be creative, pushing viewers to ask themselves if they think human creativity matters. In response to his own question, he said “Most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about poetry, right? They have a life to live and they’re not really that concerned with Allen Ginsberg’s poems, or anybody’s poems, until their father dies, they go to a funeral, you lose a child, somebody breaks your heart, they don’t love you anymore, and all of the sudden you’re desperate for making sense out of this life and ‘has anyone ever felt this bad before? How did they come out of this cloud?’ Or the inverse, something great. You meet somebody and your heart explodes. You love them so much, you can’t even see straight, you know, you’re dizzy. ‘Did anybody feel like this before? What is happening to me?’ And that’s when art is not a luxury. It’s actually sustenance. We need it.”

Throughout many of his roles post-Dead Poets Society, Hawke explores the nature of creativity through his embodiment of writers and musicians. Often these characters are searching for a greater purpose through art, while ultimately finding that human connection is the key. Without that human connection, their art is nothing.

We see the first germ of this attraction to portray creative people on screen with his performance as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites. As Troy Dyer, a philosophy-spouting college dropout turned grunge-band frontman in Reality Bites, Hawke was posited as a Gen-X hero. His inability to keep a job and his musician lifestyle were held in stark contrast to Ben Stiller’s yuppie TV exec Michael Grates. However in true slacker spirit, he isn’t actually committed to the art of music, often missing rehearsals, as Lelaina points out. Troy even uses his music at one point to humiliate Lelaina, dedicating a rendition of “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes to her. The lyrics add insult to injury as earlier that day he snuck out of her room after the two had sex for the first time. Troy’s lack of commitment to his music matches his inability to commit to those relationships in his life that mean the most to him.

Reality Bites is also where he first positioned himself as one of the great orators of modern cinema.” Take this early monologue, in which he outlines his beliefs to Winona Ryder’s would-be documentarian Lelaina Pierce: “There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle, and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.”

Hawke brings the same intense gaze to this performance as he did to Dead Poets Society, as if his eyes could swallow the world whole. But where Todd’s body language was walled-off, Troy’s is loud and boisterous. He’s quick to see the faults of those around him, but also the good things the world has to offer. It’s a pretty honest depiction of how self-centered your early-20s tend to be, where riding your own melt seems like the best option. As the film progresses, Troy lets others in, saying to Lelaina, “This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You, me and five bucks.”

Like the character, Hawke was in his early twenties and as he would continue to philosophize through other characters, they would age along with him and so would their takes on the world. If you only engage with anyone at one phase in their life, you do a disservice to the arc of human existence. We have the ability to grow and change as we learn who we are and become less self-centered. In Hawke’s career, there’s no better example of this than his multi-film turn as Jesse in the Before Trilogy. While the creation of Jesse and Celine are credited to writer-director Richard Linklater and his writing partner Kim Krizan, much of what made it to the screen even as early as the first film were filtered through the life experiences of Hawke and his co-star Julie Delpy.

In a Q&A with Jess Walter promoting his most recent novel A Bright Ray of Darkness, Hawke said that Jesse from the Before Trilogy is like an alt-universe version of himself, and through them we can see the self-awareness and curiosity present in the early ET interview grow into the the kind of man Keating from Dead Poets Society urged his students to become.

In Before Sunrise, Hawke’s Jesse is roughly the same age as Troy in Reality Bites, and as such is still in a narcissistic phase of his life. After spending several romantic hours with Celine in Vienna, the two share their thoughts about relationships. Celine says she wants to be her own person, but that she also desperately wants to love and be loved. Jesse shares this monologue, “Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly, like it would ruin my whole life. And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because. . . I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself, I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.”

The film ends without the audience knowing if Jesse and Celine ever see each other again. That initial shock is unfortunately now not quite as impactful if you are aware of the sequels. But I think it is an astute look at two people who meet when they are still discovering who they are. Still growing. Jesse, at least, is definitely not ready for any kind of commitment. Then of course, we find out in Before Sunset that he’s fumbled his way into marriage and fatherhood, and while he’s excelling at the latter, he’s failing at the former.

As in Reality Bites, Hawke explores the dynamics of band life again in Before Sunset, when Jesse recalls to Celine how he was in a band, but they were too obsessed with getting a deal to truly enjoy the process of making music. He says to her, “You know, it's all we talked about, it was all we thought about, getting bigger shows, and everything was just...focused on the future, all the time. And now, the band doesn't even exist anymore, right? And looking back at the... at the shows we did play, even rehearsing... You know, it was just so much fun! Now I'd be able to enjoy every minute of it.”

The filming of Before Sunset happened to coincide with the dissolution of Hawke’s first marriage. And while these films are not autobiographical, everyone involved have stated that they’ve added personal elements to their characters. They even poke fun at it in the opening scene when a journalist asks how autobiographical Jesse’s novel is. True to form, he responds with a monologue, “Well, I mean, isn’t everything autobiographical? I mean, we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right? I mean, I always think of Thomas Wolfe, you know. Have you ever seen that little one page note to reader in the front of Look Homeward, Angel, right? You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can’t avoid that.”

While Before Sunset was shot in 2003, released in 2004 and this monologue refers to the fictional book within the trilogy entitled This Time, Hawke would take this same approach more than a decade later with his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness.

In the novel, Hawke crafts a quasi-autobiographical story, using his experience in theater to work through the perspective he now has on his failed marriage to Uma Thurman. Much like Jesse in Before Sunset, Hawke is reluctant to call the book autobiographical, but the parallels to his own divorce are evident. And as Jesse paraphrased Wolfe, isn’t everything we do autobiographical? In the book, movie star William Harding has blown up his seemingly picture-perfect marriage with a pop star by having an affair while filming on location in South Africa. The book, structured in scenes and acts like a play, follows the aftermath as he navigates his impending divorce, his relationship with his small children, and his performance as Hotspur in a production of Henry IV on Broadway.

Throughout much of the novel, William looks back at the mistakes he made that led to the breakup of his marriage. He’s now in his 30s and has the clarity to see how selfish he was in his 20s. Hawke, however, was in his forties while writing the book. Through the layers of hindsight, you can feel how Hawke has processed not just the painful emotional growth spurt of his 20s, but also the way he can now mine the wisdom that comes from true reflection. Still, as steeped as the novel is in self-reflection, it does not claim to have all the answers. In fact, it offers William, as well as the readers, more questions to contemplate than it does answers.

The wisdom to know that you will never quite understand everything is broached by Hawke early in the third film in the Before Trilogy, 2013’s Before Midnight. At this point in their love story, Jesse’s marriage has ended and he and Celine are parents to twin girls. Jesse has released two more books: That Time, which recounts the events of the previous film, and Temporary Cast Members of a Long-Running But Little Seen Production of a Play Called Fleeting. Before Midnight breaks the bewitching spell of the first two films by adding more cast members and showing the friction that comes with an attempt to grow old with someone. When discussing his three books, a young man says the title of his third is too long, Jesse says it wasn’t as well loved, and an older professor friend says it’s his best book because it’s more ambitious. It seems Linklater and company already knew how the departure of this third film might be regarded by fans. But it is this very departure that shows their commitment to honestly showing the passage of time and our relationship to it.

About halfway through the film Jesse and Celine depart the Greek villa where they have been spending the summer, and we finally get a one-on-one conversation like we’re used to with these films. In one exchange, I feel they summarize the point of the entire trilogy, and possibly Hawke’s entire ethos:

Jesse: Every year, I just seem to get a little bit more humbled and more overwhelmed about all the things I’m never going to know or understand.

Celine: That’s what I keep telling you. You know nothing!

Jesse: I know, I know! I'm coming around!

[Celine and Jesse laugh.]

Celine: But not knowing is not so bad. I mean, the point is to be looking, searching. To stay hungry, right?

Throughout the series, Linklater, Delpy, and Hawke explore what they call the “transient nature of everything.” Jesse says his books are less about time and more about perception. It’s the rare person who can assess themselves or the world around them acutely in the present. For most of us, it takes time and self-reflection to come to any sort of understanding about our own nature. Before Midnight asks us to look back at the first two films with honesty, to remove the romantic lens with which they first appeared to us. It asks us to reevaluate what romance even truly is.

Hawke explores this same concept again in the 2018 romantic comedy Juliet, Naked. In this adaptation of the 2009 Nick Hornby novel, Hawke plays a washed-up singer-songwriter named Tucker Crowe. He had a big hit album, Juliet, in the early ‘90s and then disappeared into obscurity. Rose Bryne plays a woman named Annie whose longtime boyfriend Duncan is obsessed with the singer and the album, stuck on the way the bummer songs about a bad breakup make him feel. As the film begins, Annie reveals that she thinks she’s wasted 15 years of her life with this schmuck. This being a rom-com, we know that Hawke and Byrne’s characters will eventually meet-cute. What’s so revelatory about the film is its raw depiction of how hard it is for many to reassess who they really are later in life.

Duncan is stuck as the self-obsessed, self-pitying person he likely was when Annie first met him, but she reveals he was so unlike anyone else in her remote town that she looked the other way for far too long. Now it’s almost too late. By chance, she connects with Crowe and finds a different kind of man.

See, when Crowe wrote Juliet, he also was a navel-gazing twentysomething whose emotional development had not yet reached the point of being able to see both sides in a romantic entanglement. He worked through his heartbreak through art, and though it spoke to other people, he didn’t think about the woman or her feelings on the subject. In a way, Crowe’s music sounds a bit like what Reality Bites’s Troy Dyer may have written, if he ever had the drive to actually work at his music. Eventually, it’s revealed that Crowe walked away from it all when Julie, the woman who broke his heart, confronted him with their child—something he was well aware of, but from which he had been running away. Faced with the harsh reality of his actions and the ramifications they had on the world beyond his own feelings, he ran even farther away from responsibility. In telling the story to Annie, he says, “I couldn’t play any of those songs anymore, you know? After that, I just... I couldn’t play these insipid, self-pitying songs about Julie breaking my heart. You know, they were a joke. And before I know it, a couple of decades have gone by and some doctor hands me... hands me Jackson. I hold him, you know, and I look at him. And I know that this boy. . . is my last chance.”

When we first meet Crowe, he’s now dedicated his life to raising his youngest son, having at this point messed up with four previous children. The many facets of parenthood is something that shows up in Hawke’s later body of work many times, in projects as wholly different as Brooklyn’s Finest, Before Midnight, Boyhood, Maggie’s Plan, First Reformed, and even his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness. In each of these projects, decisions made by Hawke’s characters have a big impact on their children’s lives. These films explore the financial pressures of parenthood, the quirks of blended families, the impact of absent fathers, and even the tragedy of a father’s wishes acquiesced without question. Hawke’s take on parenthood is that of flawed men always striving to overcome the worst of themselves for the betterment of the next generation, often with mixed results.

Where Juliet, Naked showed a potential arc of redemption for a father gone astray, First Reformed paints a bleaker portrait. Hawke plays Pastor Toller, a man of the cloth struggling with his own faith who attempts to counsel an environmental activist whose impending fatherhood has driven him to suicidal despair. Toller himself is struggling under the weight of fatherhood, believing he sent his own son to die a needless death in a morally bankrupt war. Sharing the story, he says “My father taught at VMI. I encouraged my son to enlist. It was the family tradition. Like his father, his grandfather. Patriotic tradition. My wife was very opposed. But he enlisted against her wishes. . . . Six months later he was killed in Iraq. There was no moral justification for this conflict. My wife could not live with me after that. Who could blame her? I left the military. Reverend Jeffers at Abundant Life Church heard about my situation. They offered me a position at First Reformed. And here I am.” How do we carry the weight of actions that affect lives that are not even our own?

If Peter Weir set the father figure template in Dead Poets Society, and Paul Schrader explored the consequences of direct parental influence on their children’s lives, director Richard Linklater subverts the idea of a mentor-guide in Boyhood, showing both parents are as lost as the kid himself. When young Mason (Ellar Coltrane) asks his dad (Hawke) what’s the point of everything, his reply is “I sure as shit don’t know. Nobody does. We’re all just winging it.” As the film ends, Mason sits atop a mountain with a new friend he’s made in the dorms discussing time. She says that everyone is always talking about seize the moment—carpe diem!—but she thinks it’s the other way around. That the moments seize us. In Reality Bites, Troy gets annoyed at Lelaina’s constant need to “memorex” everything with her camcorder, yet Boyhood is a film about capturing a life over a 12-year period. The Before Trilogy checks in on Jesse and Celine every nine years. Hawke’s entire career. in fact, has captured his growth from an awkward teen to a prolific artist and devoted father, a master of his craft and philosopher at heart.

#ethan hawke #boyhood #before trilogy #before midnight #before sunset #before sunrise #reality bites #first reformed #dead poets society #a bright ray of darkness #film writing #film essay #musings #oscilloscope laboratories

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unproductive-software-blog · 3 years ago

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You seriously need to play Lucah: Born of a Dream.

Lucah is a game so boldly, unapologetically, uncompromisingly real and beautiful, that knowing it had a successful Kickstarter campaign, passionate cult fanbase, and Nintendo e-shop release, legitimately makes me feel better about the human race.

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Lucah doesn’t shy away from the difficult questions we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another. It’s characters face the big unanswerable questions about the universe and our place in it in their own ways, and aren’t afraid to come away with their own answers. It’s liberating to see a video game so overtly tackle the things that drain us of hope, and shape us in fundamental ways, when it feels like most of pop culture is increasingly trying to sweep any discussion of religion (both existential questions and criticism of religion) under the rug entirely.

I’m being intentionally vague so as to not spoil the game; it’s an incredible souls-like that I legitimately think everyone interested in video games should play at some point (ideally after turning… 15?). I don’t want to explain to you what Lucah is saying, or it’s “hidden meaning” or anything like that. Lucah’s meaning could not be more clear than the very words of its (literally) poetic cutscenes, and that’s what’s so great about it. Though you may not perfectly grasp every detail of Lucah’s dream-like (nightmarish) narrative, you will always understand, on some gut level, what it means. You will feel it, and you will find something to relate to in it, and you will learn to emphasize more thoroughly with the parts you don’t relate to.

While “mental health” is becoming an increasingly popular concept lately, and the terms “anxiety” and “depression” thrown around fairly often in personal conversation, we still rarely see art that depicts the perspective of someone suffering from a rarer and more complex condition that can be difficult for others to empathize with properly. So Lucah also gets massive points for its depiction of what I can only assume from its raw and intimate style of writing are it’s creators’ own personal struggles.

To do all this while also making a shockingly, dare I say addictively (I had meant to play a chapter and finished the entire game in one very long sitting) fun game, is a commendable achievement of game design that, like many aspects of the game, should serve as a model for future indie-devs to follow. So much is owed to the pacing, which puts the play experience first, and introduces new elements well before you begin to tire of the old. Best of all, haunting and thought provoking cutscenes are your rewards for overcoming the game’s challenges, just how I like it.

Now I would like to talk about the elephant in the room: the game’s art style. It’s something of a make-or-break for people, and that’s a shame, because more than it’s uniqueness or coolness, I love this aesthetic for its practicality. There have been games in the past using scribble art like this before, but never so effectively. Lucah shows that with an eye for color and lighting effects, just about anyone can output a game that looks beautiful without having to rely on dedicated 2D artists (the hardest creative people to work with in the industry). I hope to see a lot more indie games taking advantage of this high-style low-effort approach. I geniunely don’t mean any of this as an insult. This game’s art is everything it needs to be to convey the setting, and arouse an emotional response in players.

There are so many games out there with “more talented” and certainly more hardworking artists, that convey absolutely nothing of value with their art. I’d name examples but then I’d really start getting mean; just go on the e-shop and look at these games people are putting out. Games with illustrators, but no animators, and the grotesque undulation that ensues.

Lucah’s animation, meanwhile, is literally breathtaking. It makes you hold your breath, gasp, feel your heart skip a beat, as your shockwave attacks break the enemy, the screen flashes, time stops for a split second, the camera studders, a crunch bursts from your speakers, and you scramble to understand the mess of neon choas on your screen to discern whether that blood is yours or the enemy’s. It’s visceral as hell. The weight of a Demon’s Souls ultra-greatsword with the visual flourish of a No More Heroes game.

This is the kind of game that makes me feel less alone in the world. To know that other people can appreciate this style, and are open to these themes, legitimately gives me a sense of belonging, like maybe everyone has this side to them, they just don’t always put it out there. That’s why you need to play it. Everyone needs to play this game and talk about this game, and recognize that we humans can relate to one another over more than our ability to be “funny” or “cute”. We can relate to one another’s struggles as well. Our deepest fears and doubts. Even the parts we hate about ourselves might weigh less heavily on our minds if we only knew there were good people out there fighting the same demons. My sincerest regards to everyone who loves this game, and my thanks to melessthanthree, the team behind it. Keep on fighting you guys.

#lucah: born of a dream #lucah #lucah born of a dream #melessthanthree #indie games #game analysis #review #analysis #video games #pc gaming #nintendo switch

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d-criss-news · 4 years ago

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Saweetie & Darren Criss Talk Performing at the 'Celebratory' SHEIN x Rock the Runway

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SHEIN is putting a spin on the typical fashion show.

The shopping e-commerce company is presenting on Sunday (Sept. 26) its SHEIN x Rock the Runway show, an hybrid special event that is part concert, part choreographed dance sequence all while showing off SHEIN's top trends for fall/winter 2021 in five individual segments. Saweetie, The Chainsmokers, Darren Criss, Thuy, Willie Gomez, Riley Clemmons, Blu DeTiger and more are all set to take the stage at the star-studded event.

"I love that SHEIN’s goal for this event is to create a one-stop destination for fashionistas to discover up and coming creators across all aspects of the industry," Saweetie tells Billboard of the opportunity. "I love that SHEIN is opening that door for everyone by shining a light on the biggest of stars to the indie artists. I’m passionate about so many things… music, fashion, beauty, and I’ve been so fortunate to pursue my dreams. Music is my ultimate love and it’s opened the door for all these other amazing things."

Fellow performer Darren Criss is equally excited to be included in such a unique opportunity, telling Billboard, "I really like the idea of not your typical fashion show and it being more of a celebration of dance and music and contextualizing the clothes via the music and performative elements and seeing how clothes look on all different kinds of people with different kinds of movement and music. That thinking out of the box factor of a typical fashion show was immediately appealing to me."

Saweetie shared that for her performance, which will showcase the Ski Party looks, fans should expect "lots of dancing" choreographed by Brya Woods and assistant choreographer Aahkilah Cornelius.

Criss is gearing up to perform his new single "For a Night Like This," which he describes as an "unapologetically celebratory jam."

"It’s all about celebrating with the people you love," he adds. "It’s such a vibrant song and the creativity that they were going for with this fashion show was a really great match for the song I wanted to perform. I’m happy I can showcase that vibrancy and colorfulness."

Criss, whose performance will accompany the City Sleek styles, emphasized his gratitude for SHEIN bringing his song to life with “a hundred dancers of all different backgrounds, shapes and sizes, with a variety of movement. That is something that really takes a song to the next level. It takes it from a song to a spectacle and a visually exciting experience. It’s something we all hope can happen with our songs when we write them.”

"Any opportunity I have to be around dancers and have dancing in my life – I’m not a dancer myself, but any time I can have that in my life, whether it’s through one of my songs or walking through life, I embrace that opportunity," he continues. "The more dance, the better."

SHEIN x Rock the Runway will also help raise awareness and donations to benefit National Action Network, one of the nation's leading civil rights organizations and Youth Emerging Stronger, which helps to build futures for foster and homeless youth. SHEIN is donating $350,000 across both charities.

"While I love to use my platforms to entertain, it’s just as important for me to educate and make a positive impact on the world and I love that SHEIN is acting on this by partnering with these organizations," Saweetie says of the event's charitable aspect. "I’m huge supporter of education and giving everyone access to the knowledge that will help them to grow and succeed in the world regardless of their background."

"It’s obviously the bonus for anything you do," Criss agrees. "You’re happy to support anything that supports others beyond the preliminary presentation of ‘Here are some cool clothes, here are some amazing dancers, here’s a cool song.’ In the process, we’re also shining a light on an organization that are doing a lot of good in the world. I always prefer that to be a component in anything I do."

Since this is a fashion show, after all, how would Saweetie and Darren Criss describe their personal style? "My style is always growing and evolving," Saweetie explains, "Because I am constantly researching and studying designers and their collections throughout the past. I love to play with fashion and take risks with my style – anything glam! I draw a lot of inspiration from the 90s and early 2000s and try to mix these retro and nostalgic elements with the feminine aesthetic of old Hollywood glamour."

"I’m a big believer in dressing for the party," Criss says. "This is a much larger idea that goes into music, that goes into how I approach everything in life, which is knowing what the venue is, honoring what the dress code is and then doing your own spin on it to be a little unique and not like everybody else. Just enough of something that is accessible so that people feel comfortable around your choice, but you’re also pushing it a little bit. I like toeing that line in general. I’m not saying I’m a fashionista at all, but it depends what day of the week it is, what coffee shop I’m walking to and what part of town. All those variables have their own set of rules that I like to abide by. But I’m definitely not one type of thing and am never thoughtless, that’s for sure."

Catch the SHEIN x Rock the Runway event when its streams on Sunday (Sept. 26) at 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT on the SHEIN app, and the company's Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and Facebook pages. Shop the SHEIN x Rock the Runway looks here.

#darren criss #saweetie #bilboard #shein x rock the runway #press #sept 2021

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fansofvow · 4 years ago

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Interview with Eve Golden Woods!

Many of you know who is Eve is. She's a writer and artist, a part of Dreamfeel studios whose beautiful game If Found won Best LGBTQ Narrative and Best LGBTQ Indie game at the first ever Gayming Awards presented by EA games. I am really excited I had the chance to ask Eve some questions about herself, her time at Lovestruck and her creative process.

Congratulations on the two Gayming Awards (Best LGBTQ Narrative, Best LGBTQ Indie Game) for "If Found" from your game studio, Dreamfeel. What was the inspiration behind making the game?

If Found... was a game that emerged out of a collaboration between Llaura McGee, the founder of Dreamfeel, and artist Liadh Young. Liadh's background is as a comic artist, and so when they started working together Llaura had the idea of showing off Liadh's art by making a diary game, and using an erasing mechanic she had previously developed to let the player move through the diary in a fun way. By the time I came on board at the start of 2019, the game had already been in development for a while, so in some ways my work on that game was similar to the work I did for Voltage, because it was taking existing characters and concepts and writing a lot of scripts for them. Unlike Voltage, though, my work for Dreamfeel was a lot more collaborative and I had a lot more creative input. I really enjoy taking something and helping to make it the best version of itself that it can possibly be, but I was also really happy that I got to reflect a lot of my own experiences in If Found. Llaura and I both grew up on the west coast of Ireland, and although If Found... isn't autobiographical for either of us, it was definitely really meaningful to be able to tell a story that reflected our own experiences of growing up as queer teens in a similar kind of environment. Since the game came out we've had fans reach out to us and tell us that they also connected to the experiences of the main characters, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes me feel like I achieved everything I wanted to.

You are a writer and a visual artist. Does one come easier to you than the other?

I used to think of art and writing as talents, and I always felt like my art was at a very mediocre level (that's probably still true, lol). So when I was younger I focused a lot more on writing. It was only later that I started genuinely trying to improve as an artist, but when I did, I think I had a much healthier mindset, and approached it as a skill I could learn with patience and effort. Because of that, even though I still have a lot more confidence in my writing, I find art more fun and relaxing, and I don't stress about it as much.

Did you always know you would follow a creative path?

Kind of? Both my parents are artists, and I grew up surrounded by artists and writers, so it was something that was always very familiar and accessible to me. On the other hand, I didn't exactly have a clear idea of how to make it into a career, or what kind of work would be involved. But there's never been a point in my life where I wasn't doing something creative, even if it was only writing fanfiction.

What did your path to working professionally as a writer/artist look like?

I did a creative writing masters in college, but after that I spent years teaching English as a second language. That was really fun and I got to live abroad, but it was so busy and tiring that I didn't have time to do any writing outside of the occasional fanfic. I only started to take art seriously again when I became interested in games and comics as ways of telling stories. I did some critical writing, which led me to speak at a few local events and get involved in zine fairs. That was how I met Llaura, the director and lead of the Dreamfeel studio, and it's also what gave me the confidence to start applying for actual writing jobs.

Is there any work of art, visual or written, that you look to for inspiration?

So many! I try to read and watch as widely as I can, although there are touchstones I always return to, like the works of Ursula Le Guin and Terry Pratchett. Right now I feel very passionate about the actual play podcast Friends at the Table, which manages to combine really thoughtful worldbuilding and storytelling with cool, fun characters and great action scenes. I'm also reading a book called The Memory Police by Youko Ogawa, which has extremely beautiful prose.

Do you have a favorite piece of your own art, whether it is something you’ve drawn, a screenshot of something you’ve written or something else?

My favourite piece of art is usually whatever I finished most recently (I think that's true for a lot of people). Especially with visual art, once a bit of time has gone by you look back on it and start to notice all your mistakes, which is very annoying. But actually I do still really like the first piece of Fiona fanart I did last year. I managed to use some effects to give it a kind of nineties anime quality that I find really fun, and I think it conveys an emotion pretty effectively. That's always one of the hardest things to predict with visual art, whether the different parts will come together to create the exact mood you're looking for.

I also really like the compass I did for Bycatch. Krissy (@xekstrin) was the one who suggested filling it with fingernails, which was such a good, gross idea! As soon as I heard that I knew it was perfect and that I had to try and draw it.

Many people who read this blog know you as a writer for Lovestruck. When you look back on your time there, what stands out in your mind?

Lovestruck was very important to me when I first started because it was my first ongoing, regular, paid writing work. It gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to get into the habit of writing consistently and rapidly, which is a really useful skill to have. I know I was right to leave when I did, though, because I am just brimming with energy to work on my own projects, and channeling that power into something that you can't control will always end up disappointing you. Also, I made a ton of incredible friends, through Lovestruck itself but then even more so through VOW (@vowtogether), and that is more than worth all the difficult parts.

Is there any character that you would have liked a crack at writing?

Oh gosh, what a fun question! There are so many, but one I do sometimes think about is Axia, just because I know there are a bunch of fans who want her route, and because I had fun writing her as a villain in Zain's route. I can see in my head the shadow of a storyline that takes place after Zain's route is over, where she's in prison and trying to understand how she lost the battle with Zain and MC. I think there's, like, a gap there, where you could see her downfall forcing her to reconsider her assumptions about power, and that could build into a very interesting redemption story. But maybe it's for the best I never got to do that, because I would have wanted full creative control over it, and also I think the story in my head is very different to the sexy, in control, menacing version of Axia that her fans enjoy.

Do you have any upcoming projects you can talk about?

Most of my current work is under NDA, but I will say that I'm doing something very exciting with other VOW members that we should be able to talk about soon(ish). Maybe I can even give a little teaser... It's not a game, but it is something you can read, and my part involves cakes, swamps, and a museum.

Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric?

It's a big long, but there's a section from The Dispossessed by Ursula le Guin that has stayed with me ever since I read it:

"For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think."

It's such a profoundly radical way of imagining the world, so different to everything I was raised with, but whenever I think about it I feel like I can see something very beautiful and powerful that I hope to come closer to understanding some day.

And of course, "Solidarity forever, the union makes us strong."

I was a big fan of the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. Host James Lipton asked every single guest the same 10 concluding questions. I’ve picked 3 of them:

-What is your favorite word?

My favourite word: for sound, I like words you can really roll around on your tongue. Chthonic, alabaster, insinuation. For meaning, I think simple words that encapsulate big concepts have a kind of power to them. We use them so often we forget how big they are, how much weight they really have, but they give us the space to imagine new possibilities. Love. Freedom. Revolution.

-What is your least favorite word?

I've heard that "moist" is a lot of people's least favourite word but it doesn't actually bother me. My least favourite word is probably one where I feel like the sound doesn't match the meaning. One of the Irish words for rain is báisteach, which I feel has a much weightier and more onomatopoeic sound than rain. Rain is just very flat and uninteresting.

-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Oh, so many! I love history, and I think being a historian/archaeologist would be fascinating. Or something that had a physical component to it, like being a potter or a carpenter. I don't think I'd be any good, but I'd love to take the time to learn.

What would be your advice to anyone who wants to pursue a creative career?

All the work you do matters. Even the failed experiments, the things you hate when they're finished. It all helps to make you better. Also, creative career paths are often really unexpected, so chase any opportunity that seems remotely interesting. Don't work for free for anyone who can afford to pay, but work for yourself and put it somewhere. On a blog, twitter, whatever. You'd be amazed how many people get noticed and get offered opportunities because of something they made in their spare time. You'll probably have to work another job for a long time, so don't be hard on yourself if you're too tired to devote much energy to creative work. Try to make art consistently, but don't feel like that has to mean every day. Don't chase after celebrities. Make friends with your peers.

#vowtogether #vow interview #writing #art #lovestruck #dreamfeel #iffound #gayming #gaming #mod atlas

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