#indesicive as hell

[desastre-fag]

ok now what should the pfp be

[just-a-we1rd0]

Ngl I headcannon he has a snake tongue

(click for better quality >-<)

[quincyhorst]

Twitter Archive - 05/09/22

To give some context about this, I was referring to a fun coincidence on some Shindan Maker results I got, in which I got 'Jean Horst' and 'Quincy Baker'; something reminiscent when married couples change their surnames. So I wanted to write something related to that.

...Like the original thread says, I felt a bit torn talking about marriage with this ship; as I hadn't talked enough about their story or dynamic to get to that point. This is also why I also felt torn on sharing/reposting this on Tumblr too. But you know what? I'll do it anyway. They mean the world to me, and if this is the only way I can talk about them, then so be it ;^; And then again after this thread I still haven't written much about them, so...

----

I'd still like to talk about these results + JeanQuin overall, so here's a confession. ...If we interpret these two surname swaps as their "post-marriage name changes", then... I actually have no idea which these two would settle for. Both options have STRONG arguments.

I'll just say that due to many reasons, both would have no problem giving up their original surnames.

For example, Baker might be more "popular" and all, but Jean admires the Horst surname; due to all the love and care Quincy, his family, and their ancestors have put onto it. Which does hit hard, considering he comes from an entirely different (And broken) familiar situation.

Having experienced so many bitter memories while carrying the surname Baker, Jean wouldn't mind giving it up and instead join a family with such a rich history and loving people. Ironically at the other side of the spectrum, Quincy shares these reasons to change into a Baker.

The Bakers are not the only family he has heard of having a rather sad past (Hell, even the Horst are imperfect), but at least those other families found a way to move on, and write a new chapter for their futures (The Marlin, for example).

So, maybe its time for them to do it too. And Quin would love to join in.

Of course, he does not expect nor want to fix their issues by himself; that's for Jean to handle first of all, if he decides to. But in case he ever needs a hand, a different point of view, or just even somebody to lend in a hug or comfort during the worst days... Quin wants to be there for him.

Though this choice did stun Jean at first, being used to Quincy always talking about his legacy and how much he wanted to carry it on. So he made sure many times to know if this was what he truly wanted. But no matter how many times he asked, his answer was always yes.

I forgot to add, but I also like the third option towards this little dilemma; which is to add both surnames post-marriage. Not a bad idea, and it does still fit the ideals of both characters without having to dump their original surname away. But I'm still indesicive yet...

Though, it does sound cursed, specially for their future kids (?

[helmetkeeper]

Hello, Soldier!! I am a normal person!!!! You have never met me before ever!!!!

That being said; could I get a good-old-fasioned Bakugo Katsuki(MHA) rollswapped with Demoman(TF2)? Art and/or writing is preferred!! You're stuff is always the best^^ ,,,,I MEAN. ITS COOL. I wouldn't know how it always is because i have never met you before. Ever.

[LOL I'm so funny. Hai, Soldier, it's your wolfboy.]

hello!!! ah yes i've obviously never met this guy in my life 👍. hello random stranger! [gets u /silly]

also how dare you take advantage of my indesiciveness...../joke LOL i don't mind doing both. i just generally prefer separate asks for requests, is all.

but thank you for the compliments ^_^. i appreciate the attention /silly.

ok now on to the actual request stuffs :].

as always, please do not repost my work/art!

here are two chibi doodles of demoman as bakugo, and bakugo as demoman! a transparent background is on the left, and a colored background is on the right:

and here is a small writings in the MHA/BNHA universe of demoman as bakugo, featuring kirishima!

Red Hair comes scrambling behind him to catch up, "Hey! Bakubro! Hold up, hold up- do you actually already catch criminals?? Or were you joking?"

"What?" Bakugo chuckles, shaking his head. "Hell yeah I do, mate. Been doin' this since I was a wee babbie!"

"Wh- like, before you got your Quirk??"

Bakugo nods, feeling rather smug.

"Dang-! What were your parents thinking??"

Bakugo just shrugs, "I've no idea. Tell me when ya find out, yeah? Anyway-"

He pulls out a flask from inside his school uniform and takes a swing, then wordlessly offers it to the other boy, whose eyes are as wide as saucers.

"You- you had this on you the entire time?! You could get kicked out of UA, or-"

"Shut yer trap," Bakugo huffs. "I know what I'm doin' more than you do, Red Hair. You want some or not?"

Kirishima makes a disgusted face, but steels himself and grabs the flask anyway. He stares at it for a moment, but before Bakugo can say anything he quickly takes a small drink.

Immediately, Red Hair's eyes start to water and he coughs into his elbow.

Bakugo laughs, slapping the other boy's back. "It's alright lad, poppin' the martini or whatever is always rough-!! Ha!!"

"Hilarious," Red Hair chokes out. "Do y- do you have water or something???"

That makes Bakugo burst out into laughter.

Kirishima huffs and wipes his eyes, "You asshole-"

"One and only!" Bakugo jokes. "C'mon, lemme take you to my place and give ya something to get that taste out of your mouth. You're like a sad dog, I feel bad for ya."

Kirishima rolls his eyes, but follows anyway.

[thetimecrystal]

personal reasons I need to know your fave member(s) from BC (if you don't have that's valid ofc)

eheheheh, welllll

i'm super indecisive, but probably joonas, tommi, and aleksi?

[hundredsunny]

ok since im trash for au’s i just thought about a modern one piece au kind of set like that older cartoon 6teen with the group of friends who all work at the mall and stuff and just hear me out here

law’s got a job at this really up & coming coffee place. he’s convinced all of his coworkers are absolutely insane because they always talk about “vibes”. “work vibes!” “caffeine vibes!” “love this vibe ugh”. law hates his job so much. so much. but he’s a talented barista and has never fucked up a drink so he’s got that going for him. he likes to tell the friend group that his coworkers snort cocaine before shifts

usopp works in a video game store and has a blast with it. really likes to impress customers by acting like he knows what every game is about (but really he doesn’t). best thing ab his job is the employee discount. every day on his break he just brings several obscure games to the friend group’s table and auctions them off. like these games are WEIRD as shit. it’s always luffy who gets his hands on them

zoro? sports store. are we surprised? not at all. fucking terrible employee. no one knows how he still has the job. doesn’t know what’s going on ever. sleeps in the storage room. claims every customer he deals with has 0 brain cells. can’t find his way around the mall for the life of him so he always rolls in late. nami says his boss probably keeps him around just bc of the heavy lifting tasks

luffy can’t ever hold a job longer than a week so he bounces across the mall from job to job. mostly kiosk things. he’s great at selling things and getting people’s attention, but he’s just. so chaotic. unintentionally steals the weird things they sell in kiosks and just dumps a whole pile of it in front of The Group at break. nami’s proud of it. most times luffy’s fired is because he forgets about his own shift because he just goes and sits in with usopp in the video game store, or law, or zoro, ace, literally everyone

ace works in a small music store. the store itself isn’t really ever that busy but that’s a blessing for him. he loves him some music but his store mostly sells “shitty” music so that’s always a common complaint the group hears. his coworker is a country music demon. nightmare fuel. ace is quite the lazy employee but he makes it work. definition of fake it til u make it. probably didn’t hear a single thing u just said to him

sabo works in some store equivalent to like. build a bear. his uniform is awful. like the circus threw up on him. he’s constantly on the brink of an aneurysm because his coworkers “are so dumb it’s unbelievable”. but he doesn’t have that much room to talk bc he’s quite the dumbass himself. good worker, just easily overwhelmed and a bit snippy. runs shifts on 2 hours of sleep. sometimes locks himself in the back and does all the assignments he’s procrastinated on in school. can’t tell if he scares kids or inspires them. ace is convinced that he gives kids nightmares

nami works in clothing retail. probably the best worker in the whole group and that doesn’t say much. sort of peer pressures people into buying rly expensive items. sometimes shoplifts from her own store. usopp always tells her she’s gonna get snatched for it one day. literally walks around wearing clothes that still have the store’s tags on it. law is terrified to exist around her because she’s too powerful. shows up late to work sometimes and just doesn’t give a damn. will tell a 13 year old to fuck off

sanji of course works at some lame, struggling food court place. he wears a dumb hat and never hears the end of the insults from his friends. the food he sells isn’t even that good. he always walks over to the table hq with boxes of food that no one wants to eat (except for luffy). usopp calls it “The Game”, where everyone has to try and guess what the Hell he brought over. sanji’s like “please fucking eat it I’ve eaten so much of it already but my stomach is about to kill me”. loses his temper easily, mostly over indesicive customers

smoker is the mall cop who just fucking hates these ���kids”. they’re always sitting there and laughing. why? dumbasses. get out of the mall. get jobs elsewhere. just wants one of them to fuck up badly

[beedaleebjd]

*rambling doll thoughts*

So this is my OC, Mana. (Left is from 2017, right is from 2020)

She is (or was?) a standalone character I invented for an inktober comic I did. Olive ended up sneaking her way into Mana’s universe, so I knew I’d eventually wanna make her into a doll too, being the main character and all. Also they’re probably also girlfriends so that didn’t help

Below the cut is me babbling about shelling her, being indesicive, and all that back and forth 💦

First, a picture!

(I’ll put the link here for the upper left niuniu, i believe it’s lost in bookmark hell;;; bottom right pumpkin photo belongs to smoochyscoop on amino apps and is only here for reference purposes!!!) 

So, when I first did this I leaned for DZ Pumpkin-  her button nose and cute lips were very charming! Niuniu was a very close second, but I went with Pumpkin and put her on my wishlist for a few years- I was waiting for DZ to open tan resin orders again. She wasn’t supposed to be a high priority until that time, but... Welll.... 😅 *stares at the DZ discontinuation event, which has come and gone* That happened, so Tan option was out.

So this forced me to think about her all over again. I could dye her, yes! but (naturally....) I started reconsidering if she was the Right One or not after all. I wasn’t entirely happy with my digital facepass for her anymore since it was a few years old and I couldn’t seem to recreate it to my liking. I kept coming back to this facepass, even though I made my choice ages ago- which, ofc, isn’t a good sign, SO... 

I decided to do some updated passes and realized what was holding me back. I subconsciously wanted to update her design. She’s a few years old now (2015), and a lot of her design I put together on a whim since she was meant to be a one-shot character. I even held a contest to decide her colors! While I still love that version of her, I felt like if I really wanted to make her a doll I should be more like... invested about it. So, updated digital passes and doodles (as seen above) happened.

(from left to right: Dollzone Niuniu company pic, Dream Valley Rach company pic, and Dollzone Pumpkin (same pic, also (c) to smoochyscoop) 

I realized that while I love Pumpkin a lot, she’d become too young-looking for how I imagined Mana now. DV’s Rach was a very cute option that could come in tan (God and I do want a DV tan yosd *agonizes over DV’s discontinuation event too*) Her face is darling, but both me and my boo agreed that it wasn’t quite as animated and bright-eyed as Niuniu. Really, my heart is (and perhaps has always been) with Niuniu. Her smiling open mouthed face is just SO charming and different and suits her character really well. I would also LOVE to see her sculpt in tan, so.. as scary as dyeing sounds, that’s what I’m gonna try my best to do.

ALSOOO ON THAT NOTE I had found a 2nd hand Niuniu and put her on 3 month layaway - and i’ve paid it off early for my BIRTHDAYYYY (eeeee;;; ) AND SHE SHIPPED!!!! 😭😭😭 AUGHHH!!! Let’s see how long it takes me to get up the nerve to dye her after she’s here, hahaha. Time to drown myself in research (for the fifth time, because I can never be too sure lol) 

ANYWAYS

I didn’t expect her to happen soon, nevermind before Olive v2 (who I am still waiting on) but I can also gleefully use her body to model clothes for the both of them since it’s the same. All the discontinuations got me in a tizzy because I have 85% feelings for a lot of them but I also really want to see what they release next. Ugghhh! I guess the DZ discontinuing had a silver lining and ultimately showed me the light. I’m super excited how everything fell into place!!!!!! 💦💦💦

[toxxic-remedy]

This was supposed to be a quick ref for artfight but it turned out really good and i like it xD

also im indesicive as HELL so have both squid and octo ver

[eeeeeeeedddeeeee]

ig bi, bracelet bi, lay on the roof with lots of insect repellent bi, texting bi, peppermint bi, fire bi, gum bi, indesicive bi, lace bi, hells bi, skirt bi, hair tie bi, sunhat bi, hawaiian punch bi, ‘wtf that’s disgusting’ bi, cherry bi, starburst bi, idk bi, antique bi, stripes bi, marvel bi, tshirt bi, long sleeve bi, hoodie bi, cd bi, apple bi, pink bi, moon bi, rolling stones bi, VODKA bi, plant bi, kaleidoscope bi, beach bi, car bi, neither bi

bi asks

instagram bi or snapchat bi?

bracelet bi or necklace bi?

lay on the roof bi or lay in the grass bi?

texting bi or talk on the phone bi?

peppermint bi or cinnamon bi?

earth, air, fire, or water bi?

breath mint bi or gum bi?

smoking bi or drinking bi?

lace bi or mesh bi?

sneakers bi or heels bi?

dress bi or skirt bi?

hair tie bi or hair clip bi?

baseball cap bi or sun hat bi?

lemonade bi or hawaiian punch bi?

pineapples on pizza bi or ‘wtf that’s disgusting’ bi?

strawberry bi or cherry bi?

starburst bi or skittles bi?

‘i wanna hold your hand’ bi or ‘lucy in the sky with diamonds’ bi?

antique bi or futuristic bi?

stripes bi or polka dot bi?

dc bi or marvel bi?

button up bi or tshirt bi?

short sleeve bi or long sleeve bi?

hoodie bi or jacket bi?

vinyl bi or cd bi?

apple bi or android bi?

pink bi or blue bi?

sun bi or moon bi?

beatles bi or rolling stones bi?

beer bi or wine bi?

plant bi or ‘everything i touch dies’ bi?

lava lamp bi or kaleidoscope bi?

beach bi or park bi?

bike bi or car bi?

guitar hero bi or rock band bi?

[roadworthyrp]

Just send your stuff in, Taylor.

it’s a me, taylor

Character Name: Barbara ‘Bambi’ Lau

Face Claim: Chloe Bennet

Second Choice Face Claim: Jessica Henwick

Age: Twenty Seven

Pronouns: She/Her

Positive Personality Traits: Ambitious, cunning, disicplined, free spirited and persuasive

Negative Personality Traits: Stubborn, rebellious, brash, occasionally deceptive and indesicive

Club: (bold one) DEVILS

Club Rank: Prospecting 

How Long Have They Been A Member? Nearly two years

Is Clearmont Their Original Charter? Indeed

Anything Else:

ok so the usual pinterest here and spotify playlist here

darling, dearest, dead

yep yep that is what i’m using to describe her life now

basically barbara, more often known as bambi joined the club officially or well began prospecting two or so years ago after hanging around for a while

death tw, stillbirth tw!! her life before the club and before she was ‘bambi’ is a hell of a lot different and she sometimes likes to wipe it from her memory though it never really stays gone. she was a good girl, successful, happily married and living a good fucking life. until you know her husband’s job got him into some deep shit and then her kid died it all went wrong so quickly.

her ex husband or well, possibly legally still her husband that she’s estranged too was in another mc a while back and probably still is though i don’t know where he is (dead, jail, etc i don’t know) all that in the end basically led to her hanging around the devil’s when she was on her own

the only family she has now is her mother and two older sisters however given that she was stamped family disappointment she rarely sees any extended family or one of her sisters. visits her mom quite often and is pretty close to her other sister whose definitely not as wrapped up in such a messy life but loves her dearly

the real reason that bambi ever began prospecting to begin with was ari. they knew each other somewhat growing up and needing a change in her life bambi happily was sold on the money and rebellious appeal of the club. to make a long story short the two of them hooked up for a while, ari got a little too attached and now the two of them are just like awkward friends TM bambi will always be forever grateful for her though she just has a wreck of a love life

there isn’t much that she isn’t willing to do however the violence was something she grew accustomed to after a while. originally, it wasn’t something that she thought she’d ever get used too but eventually it just all melts together. blood is blood and bullets are bullets. 

her marriage fell apart for one reason or another but generally it had a lot to do with how young she was when she got married and the still birth of her daughter it kind of just fucked her up bad and welp here she is don’t know how she feels abt her ex

likes to pretend she’s completely free spirited and living her best life but not many people know about the real bad shit that happened only a few years ago and how badly it still stings. drinks quite a bit to cover that up and a lot of the time really doesn’t like who she is

if she actually spoke what was on her mind she’d be such a fucking downer so she just doesn’t. probably lives with a roommate or alone and most of her company is random hook ups of other members of the clubs, prostitutes, girls or guys that hang around the club etc

is either always drinking coffee or sneaking whiskey into it not many ways around it

her dogs and her bike are her prized possessions tbh

[datdeathqueen]

Question tag

Thxx @literally-just-yoongi-trash for tagging me!! :D Rules: Answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions 1. coke or pepsi? Coke 2. disney or dreamworks? Disney  3. coffee or tea? Tea, i dont drink coffee  4. books or movies? Books! But i love movies too lmao 5. windows or mac? Windows 6. dc or marvel? Marvel! 7. xbox or playstation? PSP lmao so Playstation 8. dragon age or mass effect? I have no idea what both are but there is the word dragon so dragon age? Looks like role play games tho? 9. night owl or early riser? Night owl..if u ever see me up early...nah u wont 10. cards or chess? Im bad at chess (I only know the basics like i can t really play lol) so cards 11. chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate!! 12. vans or converse? Converse, i ve never had vans but they look nice lol 13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar? It looks like knights names lmao but idk what it is 14. fluff or angst? BOTH!!!(depending on my mood haha) 15. beach or forest? Both!! But rn i would love to go on a walk in a forest 16. dogs or cats? *Clear throat* PUPPIESSS!!! (But i love cats too lol) 17. clear skies or rain? Clear skies 18. cooking or eating out? Man..i dont cook that often and im not even sure that im good at it but cooking lmao at least i know what i put in there. 19. spicy food or mild food? Mild.. i dont like too spicy food 20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? New year (im a rebel deal with it xD) 21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? Even if i hate being cold i d rather be a bit too cold than too hot forever lmao 22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be? Flying...do i really need to explain? 23. animation or live action? Live action 24. paragon or renegade? Sorry i may be dumb but idk what are those (maybe video games cause i think i saw paragon on something video game related somewhere at some point?)(i could search...but nah) 25. baths or showers? Showers 26. team cap or team ironman? Team Ironman! 27. fantasy or sci-fi? Fantasy  28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they? I have WAAYY more than 3 or 4 gOSh its gonna be hard to choose (Does it have to be from books? Or from a known person? Anyways...) "What doesn't kill you make you stronger" -Stronger, Kelly Clarkson "Don't take life so seriously, it's not like you're going to get out alive" -Smart random person somewhere at some point "Those who don't belive in magic will never find it" - Roald Dahl "Sick of crying Tired of trying Yeah i'm smiling But inside i'm dying" - Unknown "Nous naissons tous fous. Quelques-uns le demeurent." - Samuel Beckett (Its in french but it means "We are all born crazy. Some remain so.") Alright enough (BuT I HAVE SO MANY QUOTES THAT I LOVE FROM HARRY POTTER AND MORE AAHHH (stupid lil indesicive hoe that i am) .... "The stories we love best do live in us forever, so whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home." - J.K. Rowling (Ok that was the last one!!) 29. youtube or netflix? Youtube.. i used to have netflix...but i prefer youtube and illegality...wait what? 30. harry potter or percy jackson? Harry Potter!!! But i loved PJ too!! 31. when do you feel accomplished? Didnt unlock that level yet, probably never will...not even probably lmao never will... i actually never wanted to start that game that is life...where do i sign off?? 32. star wars or star trek? Meh, star wars but not a huge fan 33. paperback or hardback books? Paperback most of the time 34. horror or rom-com? Rom-com, i HATE horrors 35. tv shows or movies? Movies 36. favourite animal? Unicorns! 37. favourite genres of music? Kpop/HipHop/Pop 38. least favourite book? I dont remember the title (and too lazy to search) but a book i had to read for school eeww 39. favourite season? Summer..tbh all beside winter lmao (unless i could hibernate...) 40. song that’s currently stuck in your head? ...Barbie Girl...dont...dont even ask... 41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? A nightgown with a cute penguin on it (dont judge me its so pretty and comfy xD) 42. how many existential crises do you have on an average day? My whole life is an existential crisis my bros...actually it s a joke, my life is a huge ass joke ok good haha i laughed enough now let me die 43. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? Actually i have my whole (well almost all) funerals planned lmao but for the song: The beginning of the cercle of life from Lion King (The BAAASOOWWWEGGNNAAA BABADIBOUSHIBAA...) then a swag transition to AgustD (there is more but lets leave it here im not sure u are ready lol) 44. favourite theme song to a TV show? Hannah Montana? Or Victorious they were catchy lmao 45. harry potter movies or books? BOOKS HOW DARE U EVEN ASK?!?!? 46. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it? It was all fun and games until this. Ugh...wellllll if I forgot tumblr exists my friends wont so they ll remind me... lmaoo then MY OTP (how to cheat on the system 101) 47. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it? I can like....play some BASIC songs on piano.... i aint even good nvm lol i ve been well educated into being an idiot 48. what is the worst way to die? Painfully i guess (im shit i know thx) BUT if u want an example (u asked for it (!!dont read if ur sensitive!!))*Clear throat* *Take a deep breath* By getting ur skin peeled slowly then pouring lemon juice and alcohol on it while cutting ur toes and fingers with a plastic knife. Then, getting ur eyes extracted with bare hands and getting ur vital organs removed one by one from the least vital to the heart. Finally crush it just cause why not :) Also called TORTURE but I had to exemplify it cause you asked :) (please dont be scared of me tho!! Im a nice hoe and NO FREAKING ONE DESERVES THAT!!! Not even the worst criminal!! ) 49. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do? A lot of things....like walking in underwear outside (i dont like being naked dont judge me) and no one sees me SO HELL YEAH NO SOCIALIZING!! (Im an antisocial lil hoe and hate most humans (not u reading this, i love you lil ball of perfectness :D) 50. What are you planning on doing with your life? What life? Need to have one first which is not gonna happen lmao 51. Favorite Disney movie? Ohh Boiii im a hoe for movies AND Disney...Welll...In the classics i d say Fantasia, Cinderella and Peter Pan (Im still waiting for him to take me to Neverland tho :(). And in the more recent ones i ll go with Tangled, Brave, Frozen, Big Hero 6 and Moana (i only choosed from the animated ones, it s already hard enough like that lol) 52. (My question) Do you believe in aliens? OF COURSE! I mean the earth is a grain of sand on a beach that is the universe lmaoo we cant be alone you lil selfish (jk haha) LMAOO!! I cant tag 52 people...so yea... know what? Im too lazy to tag anyone...just do it if ya want :)

[ask-jack-hammer]

He shoots Cain a deadpan, but slightly irritated, look at being implied a Tzeentchian daemon.

"A: for your information Commisar, I am a Homo Sapiens Cyanocitta, and anthropomorphic Blue Jay, and B: There's no way in hell I'd follow that writhing mass of tentacles and indesiciveness. Doesn't help that the god I follow can literally annihilate my existence with less than a thought."

"A rogue trader notified me that you may have found cultural records dating back to 2M 940, and I would like to copy and catalog them."

Pokey-pokey (Ask-jack-hammer)

Cain had been taking a quick nap on his desk, arms folded and head tucked firmly into them. When poked he shoots upright, eyes flicking about wildly and trying to focus.

“Yes Guardsman?!” He bellows, only half awake and embarrassed at having been caught cat-napping.

@ask-jack-hammer

[hahafucksewingmachines]

okay i no longer like my theme so im changing it! i am indesicive as hell!!!

[mossgarden]

Dear the Burger King and McDonald’s employees that had to deal with us,

I apologise on behalf of the two busses carrying 50 loud and indesicive high schoolers for potentially making your evening hell

sincerly, the first to make a fucking descision

[bullshitallergies]

Snap Judgements For The New Year!

January 15, 2018 1:30 am

Woods Ave.

1:30 am- wasn’t really super prepared for company at 4:30 pm on a Sunday but I was grateful that ash and dude came by considering I wasted all my money on trash. I’m used to ash’s lazy ass gay joke making self but I originally had no intention of doing any speed and I don’t regret the choice to partake, but I really want this dude to stop carpet farming and either sit still and stop dropping things every 30 seconds or leave.

1:34 am: omg can you sit the Fuck down dude.

1:36 am: this shit is super clean feeling and nice. It’s making me want to write all the words and fuck all the Kenny Owen.

1:37 am: I’m serious I really want to bang my Kenny rn.

1:38 am: I’m terrified that I’ve done hard to come down from chemicals without having any pot around. Pot is my rock.

1:38 am: every day I am 25-90% completely bummed out about and missing my Boognish. He is about to turn 11 yo and before we know it he’s going to be over hanging out and being interested in adults. It kills me to be away from him and it kills me that because I’m involved and she hates me so much, Kenny’s mom has limited Cortlands ability to see or even talk on the phone with Kenny. I am beyond secondary in this situation. I don’t matter at all, but Kenny matters. Cortland needs his father. Kenny needs his boog. Kenny doesn’t like to talk about any of this I know it’s the worst thing he’s ever had to deal with ( which is fucking saying something) but I wish that he could just talk rationally to his mother with rational results, which is a Fucking pipe dream.

1:44am: it strongly and regularly is really bothering me that Kenny’s mother has no intention of being kind or forthcoming with information in regards to Cortlands desperate need to know his mother and gain some understanding and peace of mind that despite being massively flawed, Amber loved him with all of her heart. It’s important that Mary not frame her as useless or unworthy of his love or as if he meant next to nothing to her. It’s important that he knows she died trying to get back to him. I think it’s possibly the most cruel act of selfish petulance I’ve ever seen in an adult to allow Mary’s opinion about Amber be what governs Cortlands feelings about her. It makes me sick that she shuts him down and isn’t willing to share basic information about his own mother simply because she didn’t like Amber. It makes me so angry on a daily basis that Cortland can’t pick up the phone and call Kenny or myself to ask questions(about anything in his life especially His mom) and that Mary uses her negative opinion of me as a scapegoat instead of being reasonable and allowing Cortland access to vital information and emotional security that only Kenny can provide. And it makes me sick that after nearly eleven years it’s inconceivable to Mary that Cortland have a positive image of his mom, as if there were nothing to love in her. As if she was nothing at all.

1:56am: every motherfuxker in this apartment has their nose to the ground digging through everything trying to find god knows what that this dude is losing track of every five minutes. Also, the next damn thing to fall on this floor at this time of night, surely startling my neighbor again and agin, is going to be flung across the room and land squarely about the head and face.

1:58am: I feel like a weak pussy ass bitch for not being totally sober, as if sobriety and gainful employment weren’t the two dragons to slay to get Boog back as efficiently as possible so Mary’s opinion and decisions aren’t the only thing shaping Cortlands perceptions and actions and feelings. It’s a fucking excuse but it’s true: the primary reason I was able to overcome my crack problem was having Cortland in my daily life and becoming partially responsible for him along with Kenny. It’s easy to say no when my days weren’t filled with self pity. It wasn’t easy, but my love for he and Kenny was unquestionably the most worthwhile reason I’ve ever changed. Without seeing boog regularly it’s hard to maintain focus on working toward sobriety and easy to fall into the habits that make the multitude of days without him seem less pointless and empty. It doesn’t make anything any better when we aren’t even 4 full months into the custodial assignment to Mary and she has made it clear that she intends to keep him for the long hall and has no interest in raising him in a way that is also agreeable to Kenny. I don’t know how to be strong and hopeful when this woman hates me so much. I feel like a useless shrivel of failure every day, and it makes me want to use. I have got to grow a fucking sack here. No matter what it takes. And I’m not sure where to begin.

2:09am: I worry pretty frequently that I am a terrible girlfriend to Kenny because we are both addicts. I want to inspire him ane I want him to be able to feel free and independent so he is capable of growing in a positive way. I don’t want to be a burden or a drain, particularly I don’t want to be a directionless succubus distracting him from Cortland. I also fear that one day he will just suddenly go cold and decide to leave me because I am lazy, jobless, depressed, codependent on him and my mother, terrible at cleaning, uneducated in doing simple tasks, indesicive, without ambition, fat, negative and emotionally demanding. And that’s the short list of my flaws. I seriously can’t fathom why he loves me.

2:17am: I am so in love with Kenny and it has only gotten stronger. I’m mystified that he even exists or would want to be in my life. He is so beautiful and special, and I fall in love with him more every day. Yet I’m the asshole who welcomed Red into our home and thus started the odyssey into hell that was 2017. Kenny is so inscrutable. His emotions are the ultimate Mona Lisa smile to me. I know he analyzes everything with a strategic eye for detail, therefore how or why would that ever lead to thinking I’m anything other than a massive fucking anchor. In my heart and mind I know that Kenny is the only person for me, it just feels right and I could lay it all out but it will still feel right to me even if the cons outweigh the pros. I can only hope that Kenny feels this way about me unconditionally as well. The last couple of days have stoked my insecurity fire because we argued and he got mad enough to threaten to leave me. He told me he was sick of my Shit and he didn’t want to keep being in a scenario where I lose my temper if it’s happening once a month or more. He told me afterwards that he didn’t want to leave me but he sounded pretty certain that he was over it. Then yesterday, we both got almost zero sleep because for the first time ever I had a bad reaction to seroquel and spent twelve hours flailing uncontrollably and being so uncomfortable I was yelling through the night. He finally got up furious and told me if I did seroquel again he’d leave me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t intentionally trying To fuck up his sleep or torture him but he still issued that ultimatum. The reason this bothers me so much is because Kenny is usually strongly against ultimatums and if given one himself he opts out completely. So I have one day of feeling insecure that he’s sick of me to the point where he wants to leave and the next day being issued one of the only ultimatums he’s ever given me. Seems like he’s fucking over it and disgusted with me to boot.

2:30am: I feel paralyzed by the thought that Kenny is done with me while simultaneously thinking that he should be done with me of being done with me means he can get boog back as quickly as possible. I guess that this is what it feels like to recognize how I’m never going to be as great of a person, a parent, a lover and a friend as Kenny is. He deserves someone far better than me. Again, I just don’t want to be the burden that holds him back.

2:34am: idk how to take steps toward being the person Kenny deserves, but I desperately want to try my best to be that person. I don’t know where to begin. I just try to be as selfless as I can, support him in any way I can, listen and understand him as best I can. But what if all my efforts mean nothing and he doesn’t want a future with me? I am not strong enough to lose both of the most important and amazing people I’ve ever known in this lifetime and just move on or try again. Losing Kenny and Cortland would be the end of me whether I killed myself the day it ended or lived another 30 meaningless years of suffering without them, like a hollow Fucking shell.

[theoneswhoalwaysfall-blog]

About halfway through I turned mildly to severely depressed. Then got high.

Things to tell a therapist I'm an impatient bastard. I'm self depreciative, and have extreme ups and downs that may anywhere between an hour to a week. I wish for love but I'm so picky when it comes to prone that I probably will never find the person I want. I'm sad a lot and just wanna be happy. I've been told I don't have depression before and I say that if this is what is like to be normal then I should just off myself now because life isn't worth living if this is what I have to look forward to later in life. Let's see things you sounds know that u didn't tell my last therapist. I lost my virginity at age 14 and was thrown out by that girl which I thought was my first love soon after (probably the root cause of all my problems) launched me into a 2 year severe depression. Got better in recent years but it's still there. I've never had my mental issues treated in any way. I constantly think I'm a bother to others and will hold my thoughts in in an attempt to keep from annoying others. Often times I want to want to do something but everything's I start doing something I don't want to continue. There's probably a lot more that I didn't think of right now. But I'm writing this way in advance so so knows what I'll remember. You're supposed to tell therapists what is going through your head right? Right now I'm in a dilemma. I want to give this chick a chance cuz it coz he's good but I know it won't last and also I dont find her very attractive. And as much as I wish it didn't physical appearance is fairly important to me. I just want intimacy probably and I doubt want to keep waiting because I'm impatient and needy and I'm rambling now. Wow Hunter. Taking about girl problems. Grow the fuck up. Your computer is just a thing why the hell do you let it affect you so much you idiot. You're a piece of garbage and that's why no one wanted to really go you today when you needed to talk. You should probably get used to it because you're only gonna get worse you fucking cretin. It's you could die it would probably help the earth out. Less idiots running around making things worse for everyone else. You're not a good person. You're an asshole and you've started noticing it. So get over yourself. I'm an incredibly indesicive person when it comes to intimate relationships. I hate that about myself. Holy fuck the wait time for NFL Incursions for a server is crazy I finally got in a room hell yeah This game is literally 10 people taking turns to fill up a whole match. I got kicked from this game but I'll get to play next match. So it'll only be a half hour till I can play again. I need to. Charge my phone oh hey there's 9 hlguys in mine now awesome, so much quicker than expected. Eyyyyyy it's full just waiting on people to load in Battlefield 1 has some beautiful animations. They're so realistic. It's just so immerse when you play battlefield so pared to other games. That's what I love about the battlefield games. Shit. I meant to start a conversation with the the people in here but i Dont have time to now. Heck. Dude holy what if we fraught wars like battlefield incursions ooomigod They would have to have serious patriotism for that. Also half the time I'm James bond half the time I'm a child with a broken arm shooting in this game