#in the past few years I have ended up with bronchitis almost every time I’ve had a respiratory virus

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

You would not believe the amount I am coughing. I am So. I cannot bear the thought of having bronchitis a third time this year and yet. Not like I have a choice.

[sunkissedpages]

Just Another Thursday Night || Tom Holland x Reader

For my valentine @technicolor-lightning​!! this is probably the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written so buckle up lol. it’s been so great getting to know you over the past few weeks, love!! and now I can finally follow you ah!! happy valentine’s day, I hope you like it!!

also!! thank you so much @dtftomholland and @thazypangolin for hosting and putting so much hard work into this I had an absolute blast with it!!

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 1.6k

As far as commercial holidays went, Valentine’s Day was your least favorite. Corporate America always goes batshit crazy when it comes to profiting off of people’s affection, but they took Valentine’s day to a whole different level and it made your skin crawl. Of course, maybe your bitterness was tied to the fact that you’d only ever had one nice Valentine’s Day in your entire life, but that was only a theory.

You and your roommate Tom planned to spend Valentine’s Day exactly as you always did. You’d order from three different takeout restaurants: Cuban, Italian, and Chinese and spend the entire night watching bad game shows. It’s what you had done for the past three years, save the year Tom had a girlfriend (whom you despised) and had taken her out to dinner instead. You still gave him shit for dating a pathological liar, even a year and half later.

Work had dragged on, but at least you were able to lock up early since patrons had stopped coming in over an hour ago. No one needed to be in a bookstore on the evening of Valentine’s Day, they all had better things to do- or better people to do.

It was raining, of course, and you’d left your umbrella at home. Tom had texted you a picture of it sitting by the door where you’d left it and offered to bring it to you at work, but you knew he was busy so you said you’d be fine without it. You regretted not taking him up on his offer now that you were pushing your way through the rush hour crowd holding your bag over your head trying to stay somewhat dry without much success.

You must’ve made your way around ten couples who were kissing out on the sidewalk. It was hard not to roll your eyes at them. To them the rain was romantic. Apparently they weren’t worried about catching bronchitis.

You were thankful for the blast of warm air that hit you the second you stepped inside your apartment building. It was already an old building when you’d moved in with Tom, but over the years it had really started to fall apart. There were more leaks in the ceilings, which made rainy days like today all the more difficult, the wood floors creaked, and the hot water only worked sometimes, but the rent was fantastic for the location and you couldn’t dream of living anywhere else. The elevator had been out of order for months, but you still weren’t used to taking the stairs all the way up to the sixth floor. You felt like you were dying every time.

“How was work?” Tom asked as soon as he heard you come through the door, completely soaked head to toe. He looked up from his laptop and pressed his lips together in an attempt to suppress his laughter upon seeing your appearance.

You narrowed your eyes at him. ���We sold thirteen copies of Romeo & Juliet today.” Tom cringed. “All these boys think they’re so original by getting their lit major girlfriends fucking Romeo & Juliet for Valentine’s Day.” You went on and Tom closed his laptop to show he was listening. “I mean at first I felt kind of bad for them because they don’t know any better so I’d suggest Pride and Prejudice if they wanted something that was still well-known, but also romantic to be a little more original or Mansfield Park if they wanted to seem like they did research or put some actual fucking thought into it, but they always took the easy way out.” You hadn’t realized you felt so passionately about this until now.

“Anyone buy Alex, Approximately?” he asked and you immediately smiled. You always did when he brought up your favorite book.

You still remembered the first time you read it. It’d been a rainy night, much like tonight and you’d brought it home from work. It’d been on your to-read list for a while and you were finally able to get to it.

You’d had plans to go out with Tom and friends, but the weather had turned the five minute walk to the bar into a nightmare so the two of you bailed and spent a night in instead. Tom was curled up on the couch with his script and you with your book. Every time you laughed or smiled at a part Tom would stop working and ask you about it. You’d read the part out loud to him and he’d listen intently, urging you to go on when you’d finished, but you just laughed and told him to get back to work, unaware of his gaze that lingered on you as you got lost in the words you were reading.

“No,” you sighed, kicking your shoes off at the door where they could dry. “No one has good taste apparently.”

He smiled softly. “You still wanna watch game shows tonight?”

“Of course! It’s valentine’s day isn’t it?”

“You shower, I’ll order the food?” he suggested.

“Perfect.”

By some miracle the water warmed almost instantly and you were able to take a scalding shower. You let the water nearly burn your skin as the chill slowly eased from your bones. After your shower you changed into some sweats. Even though it was valentine’s day it wasn’t like you were trying to impress anyone.

Tom was set up on the floor of the living room with one out of three orders of food already on the coffee table. Family Feud was playing in the background. You couldn’t wait to spend the night lounging around and stuffing your face with your favorite person.

You and Tom both waited around until the rest of the food showed up, shouting answers out at the tv and yelling at the contestants when they got the question wrong.

The rest of the food arrived in under and hour and Tom set everything up while you were tasked with grabbing drinks from the fridge.

“There are some raspberries in there too,” Tom called from the living room.

“What?” you shouted back, not completely sure if you’d heard him right.

“I picked up some raspberries from the store, they’re your favorite, right?”

“Yeah, they are,” you replied softly, warmth filling your chest as you looked at the rosy berries in front of you. “You didn’t have to do that, Tom,” you sighed as you brought everything back to the living room.

“I know, but it’s valentine’s day, I wanted to do something nice.”

“But I didn’t get anything for you,” you whined.

He chuckled. “They’re just raspberries, y/n.”

You watched countless episodes of Family Feud, Jeopardy, and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader until the sound of a buzzer made you both cringe, your brains hurt from all the trivia, and the raspberries in the container dwindled to almost none.

“I think I won,” Tom said at the end of the night with a yawn, stretching dramatically.

You shook your head. “No way, I got seventy points and you only got sixty three.”

“We said we weren’t keeping count this year!” he protested.

“Technically we didn’t. It wasn’t official!” He gave you a look. “You know I can’t help myself!”

“Uh huh, whatever,” he pouted. “I get you raspberries and this is how you treat me?”

“Come on, Tom, don’t be a sore loser!” He stuck his tongue out at you in defiance. “Real mature,” you laughed, stifling a yawn. “Hey, but thanks for spending valentine’s day with me,” you said genuinely. “It doesn’t feel so lonely when I’m with you.”

“Of course, it’s tradition,” he shrugged as he started putting pillows back on the couch.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I would,” Tom said and you froze, heart sinking. Of course Tom would want to spend valentine’s day with a romantic interest, who wouldn’t? But you and Tom had a good thing going, or so you’d thought.

“Oh,” was all you said as you helped him straighten up.

“Wait, no that’s not what I meant- shit.”

“It’s okay, Tom, you don’t have to explain-”

“No hold on,” he said and disappeared into another room returning only seconds later with something behind his back. “So I might have gotten you something else.”

“Tom! Why didn’t you tell me we were doing gifts?” you asked when he handed you a small wrapped package.

“Just open it.” You tore into the paper to reveal a copy of We Were Liars. It was a book you already owned and had read several times. It was one of your favorites. You looked up at Tom in confusion. “Open it.”

You flipped it open to reveal scribbles on the inside cover. “It’s signed?” you asked in disbelief, already smiling.

“That’s not all, read it,” he urged.

Y/n, Tom is too much of a bitch to tell you himself, so he asked me to send this message along to you: He’s completely head over heels for you, girl. Has been for a while. Be his valentine? - E. Lockhart

You looked back up at him, beaming. He was biting his thumbnail nervously, waiting for your response.

“Are those good tears or bad tears?” he asked.

You hadn’t even realized you were crying. “This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“So...is that a yes?”

“Yes, it’s a yes!” you cried, flinging your arms around him to embrace him.

He hugged you tightly, then leaned back to kiss you tenderly, taking your face in his hands and wiping the remaining tears away with his thumbs.

“Happy valentine’s day, love,” he whispered.

“Happy valentine’s day, Tom.”

“Same time next year?”

Forever Tags: @mischiefmanaged49 @bookingbee @cloverrover @perhaps-he-schnapped @awkwardfangirl2014 @the-queen-procrastinator @tastingthestarz @sleepybesson @everythingbooknerd @sunshine96love @bitchymathematician @livingincompletesilence @melbookstrash @swim-deep-or-die (some of you guys I couldn’t tell if you wanted to be on my permanent taglist or the woko taglist so if you want me to switch you over lmk)

Send me an ask to be added/dropped from a taglist

[krasierisawesome]

Voltron Christmas Fanfiction (with a lot of klance)

Hey, everyone! That ending was...rough, to say the least. But it’s almost Christmas, so I wrote a fanfic that isn’t quite an AU, but takes place after a different ending.

Allura is alive, Keith and Lance are together, and they defeated the galra a few years ago. Those are the major details you should probably note.

Btw, I’m not super into writing romance, so this is really unusual for me, but I love Keith and Lance so much.

I hope you enjoy! Please Reblog if you do!

There was a careful knock on Keith’s door. He sat up on his couch, where he’d been lying for what felt like hours. Who could be at his apartment on a Sunday?

“Who’s there?” he called.

There was a muffled reply.

Keith stood up and peered through the peephole in his door.

Lance.

He swung the door open. Lance stumbled in, carrying three overflowing boxes, which he promptly dropped onto the floor.

“What are you doing here?” Keith asked.

Lance looked up, slightly out of breath. A smile spread across his face as he panted. “I’m helping you set up everything.”

“Everything? For what?”

He pulled one of the boxes open, and piles of tinsel flew out onto the floor.

“For Christmas,” Lance said. “We’re inviting the others.”

“The….others?”

“Pidge, Matt, Shiro, Hunk, Allura, Coran….” he trailed off. “You know. The others.”

“But we haven’t spoken in like….” Keith paused for a moment to recall. “More than a year.”

“Exactly,” Lance said. “We meet up with the others every year to keep in touch. But we haven’t met up yet this year.” He opened another box and took out a ceramic statue of santa. “So I invited everyone to a Christmas party.”

“In my apartment?”

“Well, we can’t have it in mine,” Lance said. “Too small. Too gloomy.”

Keith fumbled for words. “Where did you get all this stuff?!”

“Thrift store. Now,” he stood up and nudged Keith’s shoulder. “Help me set it up.”

“But….I don’t….. Lance, I’m not throwing a Christmas party.”

“Of course not.” Lance tossed him a ball of tinsel. “We’re throwing a Christmas party.”

“Can’t we just do something small? You know, like we did last year?”

“Last year it was just you and me on Christmas,” Lance reminded him. “This year, we need to make room for everybody.”

“Didn’t they all have plans? Pidge always spends Christmas with her family.”

“Pidge took some persuading,” Lance said. “I told her that she and Matt could bring their parents too.”

“What?!” Keith grabbed Lance’s arm to keep him from setting any other decorations up. “Lance! There isn’t enough room in my apartment for so many people!”

“Come on, man,” Lance said. “Please?”

“I’m not having a Christmas party,” Keith insisted. “That’s final.”

Lance pouted.

“Besides,” Keith continued. “Aren’t you doing some sort of Christmas thing with your family?”

“Not until the 28th,” Lance said. “My brother has bronchitis, and it’ll take some time for that to clear up. On Christmas, I’ll just be in my tiny apartment….alone…..watching Die Hard and eating microwave popcorn.”

“Shut up,” Keith said. “You’ll find something to do.”

Lance shook his head. “Well, I guess I’ll return all of this junk, then.” He picked up a box, not bothering to close it. “Bye.”

He slowly made his way towards the door.

“Wait,” Keith said. His voice had betrayed him again. He spoke through gritted teeth, as if trying to prevent himself from speaking. “I guess…..” he sighed. “We’re throwing a Christmas party.”

Lance’s face lit up. He dropped the box and hugged Keith. “Thank you so much! I promise you won’t regret it.”

“Already do,” Keith said. “This is likely the worst decision I’ve ever made.”

“Not even in the top ten,” Lance said quickly. “I’m going to get some more boxes, okay?”

“Okay,” Keith muttered.

“I love you!”

That made Keith smile, though he made a conscious effort to hide it. His boyfriend was like an excited golden retriever around the holidays.

But it didn’t matter. The party would eventually be done, and if Lance was happy, Keith would be happy too.

Lance poked his head back into the apartment. “By the way, they’re coming for dinner on Christmas eve, and I told Pidge that she could bring her dog!”

Before Keith could react, Lance bolted back down the hall.

“Okay,” Keith said, zipping up his jacket. “We’re going to need a Christmas dinner, and we’re going to need it to be big. What are you thinking?”

Lance followed after him, running up and down the sidewalk excitedly. “We could do a turkey….. And maybe some ham, too. And of course we’ll need some side dishes.”

“Like….stuffing?”

“What? No. Come on, Keith. It isn’t Thanksgiving.”

“Okay. Well, what were you thinking?”

Lance scanned the signs on the outside of every store. “We could make some damn good lasagna. And I know how to make a dutch apple pie.”

“What about a blueberry pie?”

Lance scoffed. “Who do I look like, Gordon Ramsay?”

The confused expression on Keith’s face made Lance chuckle to himself.

“Let’s just go to the nearest supermarket,” Keith decided. “We’ll probably find what we need inside.”

They walked on together in silence. Cars passed by, leaving trails of exhaust. Pedestrians came and went everywhere. Keith usually didn’t leave his apartment on Sundays. There were always too many people out and about.

Lance looked at Keith and smiled.

“What?” Keith asked.

“I love you so much,” Lance said.

That took Keith by surprise, but he responded on instinct. “I love you too.”

Lance grabbed Keith’s hand and continued walking down the street.

Keith laughed. “You’re such a dork.”

When they reached the supermarket, it was even more crowded than the streets. It seemed that they weren’t the only ones doing last minute Christmas shopping.

“This is great,” Keith said sarcastically.

“It’ll be okay,” Lance promised. “I go to the store on Sunday all the time. We just have to go in, get what we need, and get through the checkout as quickly as possible.

“But we don’t know what we need,” Keith reminded him. “And the lines will be a mile long. Maybe we should just-”

“Nope.” Lance hooked their arms together and pulled Keith into the store. “We’re going.”

It was just as terrible as Keith had feared. People were fighting over Christmas presents, arguing about sales, and throwing things at each other. Keith had to duck to avoid a flying bunch of carrots.

“Who the hell throws carrots?!”

Lance laughed.

“Shut up,” Keith told him. “Let’s just get a turkey.”

“Whatever you say.”

They tried to run towards the poultry section, but they were surrounded by a crowd.

“Split up?” Lance said, a hint of adventure in his voice.

Keith groaned miserably. “Yeah. Split up.”

“I’ll get some frozen lasagna.” Lance turned and bolted towards the frozen food section.

Keith slowly forced his way towards the turkeys and grabbed the first one he could get his hands on.

“Okay,” he said to himself. “That’s taken care of. Now, I just need to find some….” He looked around, not sure where to go next. There were too many people to see where anything was. A little kid raced past, nearly tripping him.

“Pies,” he decided. “I’ll get some pies.”

He made his way towards the sign that read, “Bakery.” He was suddenly wishing he’d remembered to grab a cart, though it would have been impossible to move it around the crowded place anyway.

A basket, he thought. I should have grabbed a basket.

He looked around for Lance, who was probably somewhere at the other end of the store. Finally, he made his way to the pies and grabbed the ones that were left.

“Come on, Keith,” he scolded himself. “You’ve fought aliens and machines, you can get through some last-minute Christmas shopping.”

It must have taken hours for him to gather up everything and find Lance again, and it probably took at least another hour to get through the checkout.

“Your total comes to $247.28,” the cashier said.

Keith’s jaw almost dropped.

“Do we get a discount if we used to be paladins of voltron?” Lance asked.

The cashier raised her eyebrows.

“Okay,” Lance said. “I’ll take that as a no.”

…

“Okay,” Keith said, out of breath. “We made it. We got the turkey, the ham, the frozen lasagna, and the pies.” He spread his arms, thankful to be back in his semi-quiet apartment. “And I’ll be in debt for the rest of my life. Did you know that the turkey alone costs over thirty dollars?”

“You didn’t have to buy pies from the bakery,” Lance complained, ignoring Keith’s question. “I would have made some.”

“Trust me, I know you would have. But we have enough work to do, okay?” He checked the clock. “It’s late. Let’s put this stuff in the fridge and go to sleep.”

That wasn’t going to happen, of course. They put the food in the fridge, and Lance left to go back to his own apartment, but Keith didn’t sleep. Keith rarely ever slept when he was supposed to.

He tossed and turned, and he tried to sleep, but he couldn’t.

Sometimes, the only way he could fall asleep was in the middle of the afternoon, curled up on his couch, watching a movie. But even then, he usually wouldn’t sleep long enough.

He decided to stand up and start pacing. Pacing would clear his head.

But it didn’t. So he continued to pace until his legs grew tired, and he sat back down on his bed.

He reached for his phone. Almost immediately, a text popped up from Lance.

Dude, why aren’t you asleep?

He raised his eyebrows at the text, giving his eyes a chance to adjust to the brightness of the phone screen.

How do you know I’m not asleep?

….Because….I can feel your energy from here. It’s very unpleasant.

Come on, Lance.

Fine. You know that dude who lives in the room under you? He called me and said, “Your boyfriend is stomping around in his room, and it’s keeping me awake.”

I wasn’t stomping.

Well, regardless, you need to go to bed. Otherwise, that guy will call me again, and I’ll never get to sleep either.

Keith hesitated before responding. He was almost tempted to ask Lance to come back to his room, but he didn’t.

Okay. Goodnight.

Love you.

Keith’s heart pounded.

Love you too.

...

There was a familiar knock on Keith’s door. He forced himself to get out of bed, and went to let Lance in.

“Dude,” Lance said. “Your mullet is a mess again.”

“I just got up.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

Keith shook his head.

“Well,” Lance sighed. “First things first, you have to take a shower.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m going to be honest with you. You just got out of bed, and you smell like crap.”

Keith scoffed, then almost shut the door. Lance stuck his shoe in to keep it open.

“It’s alright,” Lance said. “Just get in the shower. I’ll start cooking the turkey.”

“You don’t know how to cook a turkey,”

“Are you kidding me right now? I’m Cuban, Keith. I can cook a turkey better than you can cook anything.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah,” Lance forced his way in. “Really. Now, get in the shower before the dude downstairs complains about the smell.”

Keith took a pillow off of the couch and threw it at Lance.

Lance grunted. “Hey!”

Keith bolted into the bathroom before his boyfriend could return the blow.

“I’ll get you for that!” Lance shouted.

So, Keith did what he was told. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, and even combed his hair. It was Christmas eve, which meant that the others would be arriving in the evening for dinner. Shiro wouldn’t want to see his little brother looking like a mess.

But what if Shiro was different now? What if everyone was different? After all, they hadn’t spoken in over a year. The only reason they were seeing each other again was because of Lance.

Splitting up had always been difficult. Pidge and Matt had gone back home to their parents. Shiro had stayed at the garrison to train new recruits. Allura and Coran had stayed in North Dakota to build new lives. For some reason, neither of them had wanted to return to space. Allura insisted that earth was the best place to start over. Hunk had gone back to his family, and Shay had even joined him. And, of course, Keith and Lance had gone together to live in the city. Almost everyone had gone their separate ways. What if everyone was different now?

Keith had to remind himself that he had once been gone with Krolia for two years on a mission. Sure, it hadn’t felt that long to the others, but it had still been quite a lot of time, and they’d gotten through it just fine.

Don’t worry about it, he told himself. Seeing everyone again will be great.

He opened the door to leave the bathroom, and immediately he was hit in the face with a pillow.

“Dude!”

“I told you I’d get you for that,” Lance said proudly.

Keith tackled him, knocking him to the ground. Lance grabbed another pillow to defend himself, but Keith grabbed his shoulder and they rolled across the floor.

Finally, Lance pinned Keith to the ground. With a cry of victory, he shoved a pillow into his boyfriend’s face. Keith tangled their legs together and pushed Lance off, struggling to stand up again.

“You’ll regret that!” Lance said.

They continued wrestling for several minutes, until Lance finally surrendered when Keith pinned him to the ground. Both of them were laughing.

“Were you waiting outside of the bathroom the whole time?!” Keith asked.

“Yeah,” Lance wheezed, nearly choking on his own laughter. “Pretty much.”

Keith looked up towards the oven. “Is the turkey cooking?”

Lance pushed Keith off of him and sat up, his face slowly turning serious. “About that,” he began.

“Ha! You can’t cook after all, can you?”

Lance scoffed. “Of course I can cook. I can cook just fine. It’s just…. Well, your oven is confusing.”

Keith stood up and walked to the kitchen. “It’s really not. It’s just a standard oven.” He turned one of the dials to heat up the oven. “See?”

Lance pointed to a red light next to one of the dials that was flashing. “What’s that for?”

Keith’s smile faded. “Something’s wrong.” He opened the oven, and a stream of smoke flew out.

Lance coughed. “I’m pretty sure a standard oven isn’t supposed to do that.”

“No, no, no, no, no!” Keith shouted, reaching for a towel. “What’s wrong with it?!”

Smoke also started coming from the stove. Lance grabbed a glass of water and flung it at the source, causing an eruption of flames.

“Why is there more fire?!” Lance screamed.

Keith hit the fire with the towel, but that only spread the fire to the counter, then the cupboards, then the ceiling.

Lance ran out into the hall and grabbed a fire extinguisher. He then proceeded to spray it at everything in Keith’s apartment.

Finally, the flames died.

Both of them were out of breath. Lance looked up at the ceiling, where there were many visible charred spots.

“Man,” Lance said. “This building’s fire alarm is really useless, isn’t it?”

As if to answer his question, the fire alarm went off.

“What?! But we just put the fire out!” Lance shouted.

Keith put his head in his hands and started to make his way towards the door.

Lance coughed. “This is probably a terrible time to mention this, but I told Veronica, Acxa, and Romelle that they could come too.”

“What?!”

…

“This is a disaster,” Keith exclaimed, dropping onto his couch. It had taken nearly all day to clear up everything, and the room still smelled like smoke. “We have no way to cook dinner, I didn’t have time to buy anyone gifts, and my apartment isn’t going to fit everyone!”

“Calm down,” Lance said. “We’ll work this out.”

“No, we won’t! We should just cancel, okay?”

Lance didn’t respond. He walked over and sat down next to Keith.

“Just go away,” Keith told him. “I need space right now.”

Lance looked hurt, but he obeyed. He closed the apartment door softly behind him.

Keith huffed and threw his head back onto his pillow. What had he been thinking? Of course nothing would work out. Nothing ever seemed to work out. Why had they even bothered making plans?

He lay there a few more moments, trying to keep the answer out of his mind. He knew why. He knew the reason they had tried so hard to make things work.

Because he did want to see the others again, and he wanted to make Lance happy. Since Krolia had returned to the blade of marmora, the other paladins had been his family. He ached to see them again at least once a year.

But not on Christmas eve. Not at his apartment. It was too small and too messy. And he wasn’t a very good party planner.

He looked at the clock again. It was getting later. Soon, it would be almost time for dinner. The others would be almost arriving, but Lance would have to call and give them the bad news.

The turkey was gone too. It had been destroyed partly by the fire, and completely by the extinguisher.

He stood up and started angrily pacing. He wondered from time to time what would have happened if he’d stayed with the blade. He could be doing something useful, something with meaning. He could be with his mom and Kolivan, going on adventures and saving planets. Sure, there weren’t as many enemies to fight now that the galra were defeated, but the blade always had missions.

Why had he settled back on earth?

…

There was a knock on his door - again.

“Go away,” Keith muttered.

There was another knock, this time more persistent.

“I told you to go away.”

He heard Shiro’s voice on the other side. “Keith?”

Keith jumped up and swung the door open. Sure enough, Shiro was standing right in front of him, looking the same way he had more than a year ago.

Keith hugged him, and Shiro laughed.

“Lance sent me to come get you,” Shiro said.

“What? Why? I told him to cancel.” He gestured inside. “My oven started a fire, the turkey’s ruined, and…” He noticed the expression on Shiro’s face. “What?”

Shiro shrugged. “Lance told me he had a surprise for you. Come on.”

Keith was skeptical, but he knew he owed Lance an apology anyway, so he followed Shiro out the door.

“Why are we going to Lance’s apartment?” Keith asked when they entered the apartment building that Lance lived in.

“We’re not. You’ll see.”

Instead of going to the tiny room on the bottom floor where Lance lived, Shiro led Keith up the stairs to the top floor.

“Shiro,” Keith said. “This is where the nice rooms are.”

Shiro raised an eyebrow before opening one of the doors.

Inside, everyone was gathered around the living room, talking and laughing. Allura had taken a special interest in Pidge’s dog, and was currently feeding him sugar cookies.

Lance’s face brightened up when he saw Keith, and he waved him over.

“What’s going on?” Keith asked, looking around. “Did you break into one of the nice apartments?”

“No,” Lance said. “This is my apartment now.”

“But… You told me you couldn’t afford anything like this.”

“I’ve been saving up for it,” Lance confessed. “Besides, there is a reason, but that’s for later.”

“But-”

Lance held up his hand. “Let me finish. You were right. I never should have forced you into throwing a party. You’re just not that type of person.”

“Lance-”

“But I know everyone wanted to see each other for Christmas, and I owe you an apology for breaking your oven.”

“You didn’t break the oven,” Keith said. “It’s just a crappy oven.”

Lance laughed. “Well, I thought it would help if I saved the party, so…” he gestured towards the kitchen. I made dinner. And I made some pies, too.”

“But- I mean-.....How?”

“I told you, Keith. I’m Cuban. I can pull anything off.”

Keith didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just hugged his boyfriend. “Thank you. I’m sorry I overreacted.”

Lance chuckled. “Can I say I told you so?”

Keith sighed. “Don’t ruin the moment, Lance.”

“Well, you should try some pie. It’s much better than any of those bakery pies.”

Keith laughed.

…

“Hey, Keith!” Lance said, finishing his slice of pie. “I bet your senses aren’t as sharp as they used to be.”

Keith raised his eyebrows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lance set his plate down. “Back when we were in space, you could fight someone with your eyes closed. You could tell where everyone was and what they were doing without even looking.”

“So? I can still do that.”

“Sure,” Lance said with a sly smile.

“Absolutely.”

Lance held up a dish rag. “Prove it, then. This is a blindfold.”

“That’s a towel.”

“It’s a blindfold,” Lance insisted. “And you have to put it on and tell me where everyone is and what they’re doing.”

“Fine,” Keith said. “Everyone, move around the room and do something different. I guarantee I can figure it out.”

Lance tied the towel around Keith’s head, blocking his vision. “Alright, you ready?”

Before Keith could respond, Lance spun him around several times, then walked away.

“Okay,” Keith regained his balance. He took a deep breath, listening closely to everything around him.

“Any time, now, Samurai,” Lance said.

“Pidge and Matt are next to each other. Allura is in the corner, laughing,” Keith said. “Veronica is finishing pie. She’s still sitting on the couch. Shiro just gasped.” He turned his head to find Lance’s voice. “And you’re sitting on the floor in front of me.”

“Not sitting,” Lance said, his tone still had a hint of humor.

Keith paused. “Why is everyone so quiet all of a sudden?”

He heard Romelle nearly fall out of her chair. Shiro came up behind him and took off the blindfold.

In front of him, Lance was down on one knee, holding up a little box with a ring in it. The diamond was the shape of a star.

“You’re-” Keith’s voice failed him.

“Keith,” Lance grinned, trying to prevent himself from shaking. “I love you.”

“Lance-”

Lance held up his hand. “Let me finish.”

Pidge was smiling ear to ear, elbowing Matt in the ribcage. Everyone seemed to hold their breath.

“I love everything about you,” Lance continued. “I love your edgy emo moments. I love your smile. I love you stupid mullet and your stupid dreamy eyes.”

Keith held his hand to his face to keep himself from crying.

“I love every moment of every day that I get to spend with you.” Lance kept talking, as if he had rehearsed it. “I love coming to your apartment and eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. I love running around the city with you, trying to avoid the crowds. I love cuddling with you on the couch and falling asleep while watching Love Simon for the 80th time because it’s just so damn good.”

Keith couldn’t stop it. He was crying.

“We’ve been dating for two years, and it’s been the best time of my life. Keith, I love you more than there are stars in the sky. And that sounds cheesy as hell, but trust me, I’ve seen all the stars up there, and there are a lot.” Lance took a deep breath, letting out something between a laugh and a sob before continuing. “There’s a reason I chose to get this apartment. I was hoping you would like it enough to stay. You’re my favorite person in the whole world. I love kissing you, hugging you, laughing with you…. I love doing everything with you. So, what do you say? Keith Kogane, will you marry me?”

Keith wanted to look away so that Lance wouldn’t see what an emotional mess he was.

Veronica sat up, fully aware of what was about to happen. No one said anything, but the silence was slowly killing them. They waited for Keith to say something- anything. Yes? No? Was he about to break down crying?

Keith knelt down slowly, grabbing Lance’s face in his hands. “You’re such a dork,” he whispered.

Lance grinned. “Is that a yes?”

Keith planted a kiss on Lance’s lips, wiping the tears from both of their faces. “Yes,” he managed.

Everyone stopped holding their breath. Pidge and Hunk cheered. Shiro hugged Matt, who winced in pain. Acxa high-fived Veronica. Allura laughed and gave Pidge’s dog another cookie.

Lance couldn’t stop smiling. He took the ring out of the box and slipped it on Keith’s finger. Keith kissed him again, and neither one of them was eager to stand back up.

Nothing had gone as planned, but everyone would always remember it in a positive light. Keith and Lance were engaged, and no kind of broken oven or scheduling conflict could interfere with that.

Then, Lance reached for a pillow and stuffed it in Keith’s face. Keith reacted quickly, grabbing Lance by the waist and pulling him down to the ground.

Everyone else cheered while the boys wrestled and laughed. It ended the same way it had before, with Keith pinning Lance to the ground. But this time, Lance pulled Keith’s face down and kissed him.

“Aww,” Romelle said. Allura nudged her in the side.

Lance then grabbed the pillow back and hit Keith in the head with it. Keith fell to the side, surprised, but he recovered quickly.

He was so going to marry this man.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What’s your name? Stephanie.

What time is it right now? 11:01PM.

When were you born? 430 PM.

Who are you closest to in your family? My mom, younger brother, and my doggo.

What is the closest green item to you? The straw I’m using. 

Would you rather text people or talk to them on the phone? Text. I am sooo not a talk-on-the-phone kind of person.

What program on your computer do you use the most? Firefox.

Do you have a cat? No.

What is your middle name backwards? Nah.

How often do you visit this website? I keep Tumblr on tab, ha.

Are you a good speller? I believe so.

Are you good at baking cupcakes? I don’t bake ‘em from scratch or anything, but I make some good cupcakes outta the box, ha. Good enough for me.

Do you currently have a job? No.

What year did you/will you graduate in? I graduated college in 2015.

Do you have your drivers liscence? No, just an ID. I don’t drive.

Does it take you long to fall asleep at night? Gotta love insomnia. I’m up until like 5AM every night. :/

Do you think other people consider you a flirt? No.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Well for one I don’t “get ready” unless I’m going somewhere, which isn’t that often. If I actually put some effort in and do my makeup, then it can take an hour. On days where I’m just going to the doctor, it takes like 10 minutes.

Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? No. Not unless I had an issue that was affecting me in some way. Like if something happened to my nose and it was crooked and/or I couldn’t breathe well. Something like that.

Do you smoke pot? No. It’s been years since the last time.

Who is your hero in life? My mom.

What is your favorite breed of dog? Labs and German Shepherds. (:

Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? I don’t like going out to eat anymore to be honest, I’m much more of a takeout kind of gal where I can just enjoy my food at home.

How long have you known your best friend? My whole life, almost 30 years.

What are your thoughts on abortion?

When do you think the world is going to end? No one knows exactly when it will happen.

Do you think there are aliens out there? I don’t think so. There’s living organisms of some kind out there, but not aliens in the way that’s often portrayed.

Do you believe in God? Yes.

Are you still a virgin? I am.

Are you comfortable with our current goverment? Going on a month now of a government shutdown.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? A lot of things, but if I could only choose one I’d have to go with improving my health.

Are you a fan of anime? No.

What kind of cell phone do you have? iPhone XR.

What color do you want your next car to be?

Can you type without looking at the keys? Yep. I’ve been typing and using a computer since I was like 9 years old. I’m almost 30, so you have to remember that for me that was back in the late 90s. Nowadays kids have been using computers and cell phones since they were like 2 years old.

How much money do you have on you right now? I’m broke.

Do you smoke? No.

How tall are you? About 5′4.

What is your favorite Christmas movie? I have many. I love Christmas movies.

Do you celebrate your pet’s birthdays? Yep. My doggo turns 2 years old next month.

Would you consider yourself selfish? I think everyone can be to an extent, which isn’t always a bad thing. Some people are extremely selfish and that’s where it becomes a problem. As for me. I feel like I’ve been more selfish that I’d like to be these past few years. My health, especially my mental health, has really made me someone I don’t like. Not an excuse, I’m just keeping it real.

What kind of mood are you in right now? A sick mood. My immune system has really been tested and working hard for like a month now cause I’ve been in the same household with 2 people who were really sick. My mom just found out she has bronchitis. I feel like I’m losing the battle now, though. D:

Name your favorite song from the 80’s. I have a lot of those, actually.

Are you a fan of Spongebob Squarepants? Eh. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan, but I watched it sometimes when my younger brother did when he was a kid. He and one of my cousins were obsessed with it. I became familiar enough with the old episodes and appreciated some of the jokes and such, but I couldn’t even tell you the last time I’ve seen an episode.

Do you like fruits or vegetables more? Fruits.

How much time a week do you spend watching TV? I mean, my TV is usually on most of the time but as for how much I’m actually watching... it really varies day to day and what’s on. I admit it serves as background noise a lot.

Do you play any sports? Nope.

Who was your last text message from? My brother.

Do you like Taylor Swift? No.

Do you enjoy going grocery shopping? Yeah, I go with my mom to do our big grocery shopping trips at Walmart.

Do you like skim milk? I use soy or almond milk if I need it for something.

Name two people in your life that mean the most to you. I have 4 people who mean the most to me.

Do you like short surveys or long ones better? Long ones. At least 20-25 questions.

Are you a Facebook addict? Nah. I go on there and scroll down the news feed for a few minutes a couple times or so a day.

Have you ever appeared on television? When I was a baby after the accident.

Do you like to read? Love it. I just wish I read more often.

What is your favorite kind of cookie? Sugar or shortbread.

Do you have any kids of your own? Nooo.

What was your first job? Never had one.

Do material things matter to you? I can’t say that I don’t enjoy things like my laptop and phone, but they’re not the most important things in life.

Where is your favorite city? I have a few that I’ve been to in California that I love.

What was your last dream about? I don’t remember.

Are you currently going to college? Nope, I graduated in 2015.

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? I don’t have one.

Do you shop at Wal-Mart? Yep.

Do you usually have good luck? I don’t believe in luck, but if I did I wouldn’t say that I have it.

Do you get bored easily? Some days I’m just especially bored with everything and the things I like to do everyday just aren’t cutting it and the day seems to just draaaaaaaag on.

What annoys you the most about other people? Closed-mindedness is one thing.

Are you currently in a relationship? No.

Have you ever been drunk before? Yeah, a few too many times.

Are you afraid of flying? Yes. I get the itch to travel somewhere by plane sometimes, though. I’ve flown a total of 2 times in my life, but that was over 10 years ago now.

Have you ever been bitten by an animal (not an insect)? No.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? Nope.

Are you good at drawing? No. I think I color pretty good, though. Ha.

How many text messages do you think you send in one month? I don’t know, but not a lot at all.

Have you ever had a stalker? Not to my knowledge.

What grosses you out the most? I’m pretty squeamish.

How much sleep do you get every night? I actually get like 8 hours usually, but it never, ever feels like enough. I don’t wake up feeling rested.

When’s the last time you threw up? Early last year.

What is your idea of the perfect date? I’m not hard to please, honestly.

Are you more of a morning or night person? I guess a night person.

Can you speak more than one language? Very little Spanish. I’m especially rusty now; though, than I used to be.

Do you own anything from Hollister? Not anymore, but I used to have some shirts and hoodies.

Are you immature for your age? I can be.

Are you afraid of spiders? EXTREMELY.

Are you tired right now? Yes. Always.

What was the last thing you ate? Chicken strips and fries.

What is your favorite flavor of milkshake? Banana or strawberry.

Have you ever seen the movie Rent? No. I know that one popular song from it, though about time and such.

Who is your favorite celebrity? Alexander Skarsgard.

What’s the highest number you’ve counted to out loud? I don’t know.

What is your favorite video game? Mario Bros will always be a favorite.

Do you wear contacts or glasses? Glasses.

Are you looking forward to summer this year? Ew, noooo. I’m no rush at all.

Do you have trouble letting go of the past? Yes. :/ I dwell there too much.

Do you like your hair better straight or curly? Straight.

Do you wish you would grow taller? Just a bit taller would be helpful.

Do your parents make you do chores? No. I mean, we’re 4 adults living here so we contribute in some way and clean up after ourselves, but it’s not “chores.”

Have you ever been to the circus? Yes, when I was a kid. Never again.

What’s the longest word you know? I know the name for the fear of long words is super long. I couldn’t tell you what it is, though.

Do you use teeth whitener? No.

Do you keep your room neat and clean? I try, but it’s a bit cluttery now than I’d like.

Can you count to ten in French? Nope.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Bob? No.

Do you have a little sister? No.

Do you speak with an accent? >> Everyone does, to someone. So, yes. <<< True. It’s just weird for me to think of myself having an accent as I’m just a gal from California lol.

We’re you a bad child when you were younger? Nope.

Do you get grumpy often for no reason? Yes. I get very moody and irritable all the time. :/

Do you want to have kids/more kids in the future? No kids for me.

What is your dream career? I don’t have one.

Do you iron your clothes? No.

Do you like to go tanning? No.

Are you the type of person who likes to party a lot? Ha, nope. I don’t party at all.

Would you consider your family “rich”? No.

Are you addicted to sugar? Not really. I get my cravings for something, but it’s not something I want all the time.

Have you ever tried using a dating website? Nope. I have no interest in doing so.

What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten? I don’t know. I’m very picky.

What is/was your favorite class in school? English. And of course a lot of my psych classes in college.

What is your favorite type of exercise? None.

Do you believe in getting revenge on someone who’s hurt you? No.

Do you live near any volcanoes? Nope.

Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. Hmm. My mom just got Azithromycin and I can’t seem to pronounce it at all lol. Like I know it in my head, but it won’t come out right.

Have you ever ridden in a taxi? Yeah.

What’s your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, dusty rose, yellow.

Would you rather use crayons or colored pencils? Colored pencils.

Have you ever had a migraine? No. I did used to get terrible tension headaches often in high school. I still get them every now and then.

Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people. I already tell you guys more than I tell anyone.

Have you ever served in the military? No.

What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Eggs and hash browns, especially with sausage gravy, or oatmeal.

Do you go to the gym? Nope.

Do you know how to write HTML? I only know the very, very basics.

What is your favorite book? Too many of those.

Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? It definitely feels that way with certain songs.

How many concerts have you been to? I think 6 or 7.

Have you ever tried “planking”? No.

Do you shop at Hot Topic? Yeah.

Are you confident with your appearance? Not at all.

Do you have trouble sitting still for long periods of time? Oh yes.

Do you use the alarm clock on your phone or do you have an actual alarm? I use the one on my phone.

Is your internet connection fast? Yeah.

Do you enjoy snow? Yes, but I live somewhere it doesn’t snow so for me it’s such a novelty. People who live where it snows often don’t like it so much.

What are your initials? Nah.

Are you paranoid of other people talking about you behind your back? Yes, but not as much as I used to be.

Are you germaphobic? I know some people really suffer with that, so I don’t want to use the term lightly, but I never share drinks or eat off the same fork or whatever with anyone. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember.

Do you get along with your parents? Yes.

Have you ever had food poisoning? I don’t believe so.

Are you impatient? Very.

What is your favorite thing to put on a sandwhich? Turkey, provolone, mustard, mayo, and pesto.

Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? I wouldn’t now. :/

Do you like long car rides? Depends.

How often do you shower? 3 to 4 times.

Do you consider yourself a bully? Only to myself.

Who were you last mad at and why? Me cause I’m like... *gestures vaguely* this.

Are your parents currently togther? Yes.

Do you find the rain calming? Yes.

What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? Strawberry.

Do you follow football? Nope.

Have you ever had an emotional breakdown? >> Yes. It still amazes me that there are people walking around that have never had one, ever. Wild. <<<<

Do you think tomorrow will be a good day for you? I’m just looking forward to getting a Souffle from Panera Bread, ha.

Are you in a good mood? I’m siiiiiick.

[sidpah]

Unsigned

5:22 pm                                                                             11/29/2009

For the record, it’s currently, tonight, November 29th, 2009. Shall I continue to prolong the inevitable? I’ve already shuffled to my bedside, kicking off slippers for the last time. They’re torn open around the big toes, and the cushioning has been beaten into flat nonexistence by years of my feet on the cellar stairs, and pacing these narrow confines like a chimpanzee in research cell… They’ve served me well, the slippers have.

I sit on the edge of my mattress, bare feet flat against dirty hardwood floor. Black curls of shed hair, loose clouds of clotted dust cling to mattress and ring the base of the walls. In my left hand is a small brown bottle of laudanum – my five-flavored tea. I’ve not yet tasted it. Initially, I’d planned to use sleeping pills. The old standby. Two Ambien every four hours to help me coast steadily through. I’ve never taken either, the pills or the laudanum, but dissuaded by Zolpidem Tartrate’s more egregious reported side effects: lack of dreams, nightmares and sleepwalking, (along with the more distressing variants: sleep-eating, -driving and -phone calling) all of these wholly defeating my purpose, I felt laudanum to be the more reasonable option. Clearly, I’m not concerned about developing a tolerance or dependency. This leaves me free to increase the dosage should I, at some unearthly narcoleptic point, feel the need has arisen. Carefully though; someone of my size and meager narcotic history could overdose on as little as a few teaspoons, and that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m not aiming to poison myself. I just want a slow steady dream that will fade into oblivion.

One of laudanum’s many benefits to this end is that it should relieve the pain and soreness I’m virtually guaranteed to experience from remaining in bed so long. Another is that it promises to increase oneiric activity rather than squelch it. And I want to be there, I just don’t want to be here. To fill those vacant forms awaiting animation...

Originally, to swallow the Ambien I’d allotted myself two eight-ounce bottles of water. I’d rather not linger on for weeks. I wasn’t sure how much I would need to drink to get the pills down, but I was not about to rely on my own willpower when the thirst hits, as it will, inevitably. I envisioned myself sleep-drinking, guzzling down case after case, entirely oblivious to my error. Four bottles instead of two could have prolonged my survival by one more day. I’m not a fat man, but I’ve read that the body can last for four to six weeks without food. The thought of bedsores and cannibalized muscles doesn’t interest me in the least. Again, this is where laudanum becomes the obvious choice. Already a liquid preparation, there’s no need to consume additional water, which again shortens my life expectancy while downsizing the likelihood of needing a bathroom break, (aided further by the fortuitous disclaimer that laudanum may cause constipation). I know that in my final seconds I will soil the bed like an infant, and I’m okay with that. I simply want that nothing should impede my comfortable retreat. This is a vacation after all, not capital punishment.

I unscrew the dropper and place three drops on my tongue. This will only get easier. I set the bottle of laudanum next to four others, all with tops mostly unscrewed, droppers canted delicately in their necks so I won’t need to wake for more than a second or two to administer another dose. (I won’t mention how much this little gathering cost me, suffice it to say, my meager bank account has already accrued more in daily fines due to its failing to maintain the minimum balance than it actually contained to begin with; there clearly is no stepping back from this precipice. I will not disclose my source for the drug as, as I’m sure anyone reading this is aware, it’s a regulated Schedule II narcotic and obviously not easy to come by through legal means, especially in such quantity. I am not about to indicate complicity on the part of anyone kind enough to aid me on this journey.)

While the subject has been broached, I do have to laugh a little at myself for having opted so quickly for this obscure drug. Aside from its apposite elegance in all the ways already mentioned, my motivation here is terribly transparent. Perhaps it’s my emulation’s greatest work. It possesses a certain mythic sophistication, laudanum does. I can lie back on these stale sheets and easily imagine myself not blanketed under the watchful disapproving gaze of my pale childhood walls, breathing in the complete stygian darkness and faint phantom breath of old burned incense embedded in altar cloth and curtains, but rather in a hazy opium den, a hidden basement off a rubbish-strewn alleyway in late 1800s Europe. I’m lacking only an absinthe chaser. If not a renowned novelist or libertine, then at least a taste of a life I never could have lived in this flesh...

I am going to be as rigorous about this journey as I would a transcontinental road trip. Albeit, one on which I have made no prior reservations and plan to seek out the night’s shelter and morning’s sustenance on the off-chance that those needs should arise. Though I intend to limit my ingestion so as not to overdose, I can’t bear to leave my clock plugged in, red numbers at eye level, visible without sitting or fully waking as they have been for decades. I trust that I can be careful without documenting every dose. I gladly unplug the clock. Fuck you, Alarms, Schedules, and Planners, I’m sleeping in from here on out.

A second layer of curtains have been hung over the already thick blue polyester drapery. I must keep the room as dark and timeless as possible. As much as I love sleep, I’ve always had difficulty napping during the day. Even when, as a child, I was kept home from school (as I so frequently was) by tonsillitis and strep throat and ear infections and bronchitis, often two or more of these occurring at the same time, lying in bed, uncomforted, watching trashy daytime television game shows for the elderly and unemployed. A tonic of voyeuristic hope that was apparently lost in my youthful ennui… An unease about the stomach and shoulder blades, pressure in the upper rear quadrant of the skull, a tension through the back of my neck I’m sure the laudanum will alleviate should those feelings that come with the combination of warm sheets and daylight rear their heads one ultimate time.

The thermostat has been set at a cool 60 degrees. I’ve never been able to sleep when the air is hot. (I sound so fickle… so fragile, and yet sleep has been the paramount activity of the last eight years of my life…) I will wrap myself in five layers of blankets, throws, and handed-down afghans, and curl up, content and fetal. At that temperature I could still survive for up to ten days without any water. This strikes me as too long, but the laudanum is an unknown. There will be no food in my stomach to impede its effects and I haven’t read any studies on cases such as mine.

Driven by decades of unrequited longing… A pitiful creature filled with a hot broth of misery and sorrow that rises to overwhelm the dam of her self-control, and before she can fortify it with sandbags of antipsychotic medication, she’s swept away in her own emotions’ tidal flood… A middle aged man so repentant about one of his many past indiscretions that he deems himself beyond redemption, unrehabilitatable, and so concludes that the only object powerful enough to surmount his guilty memories of that lone infraction is a single .452 inch long hunk of lead sent careening through both hemispheres of his brain almost simultaneously… Ridiculous, asinine clichéd attributes of the suicidal mind as it’s all too often portrayed in popular media. This is where I separate from the pack. I am not miserable or despondent. I am not calling a hotline because I’m lonely or starved for attention. I am not shaking in a corner with a butter knife pressed against my wrist. I am rational and cool. I am tired, but I am content. This body has fulfilled its use, transcended its purpose and is now an empty canister ready to be discarded. A building in natural collapse. Let those old movies play on one last time before the theater closes its doors!

My mother died recently, but I’m not at all depressed. It would sound terrible to say I’m relieved, so I won’t. Not that that would be quite accurate either. It’s a relief from that tense ever-present Not Knowing. Eight years of that queasy, prickly hum, gone… Wondering when it was going to happen, if it would be today, tomorrow, in another twenty years… Not Knowing can break a man. That said, I’ve always had a knack for adjustment, for living with what I have. It feels as though most of my adult life has been one of servitude, caring for her as if, without prior consent of mother or child, our roles had been irrevocably reversed...

Not that I ever longed for more traditional action. Writers mustn’t live busy lives – Eventful, but not busy. If you think something of relative value (there isn’t, in truth, any value in these pages, but we’ll pretend like there’s a crumb or two so we can play our respective roles of writer and consumer for one last day…) it must be caught immediately, with that metaphysical butterfly net, and pinned squirming to the page while the energy is still vibrant and sharp. No one’s going to feel them or love them if they get stale – Words get stale too, just like saltine crackers and three-day worn underwear…

It seems the laudanum is already taking hold… That was quicker than I expected. But then, how much do I really expect?

I’ve just turned thirty, surpassing the natural life expectancy for most figures in human history. This is nothing more than my early retirement. Why submit to thirty more years, early-to-bed and early-to-rising only to loathe my job, my rut, my loneliness or, gods-help-me, my wife, and be forced into suffering the ravages of old age, illness, disease and paranoia of a hastily approaching death? I’d much rather greet death on my own terms. Here I am, ye olde red-handed bastard! Serving myself up on a silver platter for your grim dim black toothless maw!

I’ve never needed to support myself by employment and I have no interest in starting now. My mother received a decent pension from her years working at the plant. It was plenty for our meager means. But there wasn’t enough left in our savings to sustain me for more than a few years eating crunchy rice and beans in a cold house with no electricity to cook them. And now, thanks mostly to her prodigious medical bills and co-pays, even most of that’s gone. In truth, I feel rather guilty living off of that ill-gotten blood money any longer. Fed by those poor brainwashed souls… Of course I feel equally sick at the prospect of having to work a day job or, more likely, a night job, for the next thirty to forty years. I don’t feel that the world owes me a living; I just don’t feel I owe it to the world to live.

My name will die along with me, and I’m perfectly fine with that reality. I have no siblings and no young men in the family bear this surname. Perfect annihilation. Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!

In a second I will pull the chain to switch off the lamp, the last light these eyes will ever register, set the pen next to this little pad and this large stack of collected papers, and then wait to discover with joy and the baited thrill of adventure to which strange lands my dreams will deliver me…

To whomever reads this note, know only that you’ve found the remnants of a profoundly satisfied man, a man untroubled by the tribulations of his world. And that he is even more so, untroubled, now, having been irreversibly freed of his bodily restraints, devious calculating mental formations, and purged of his seemingly endless memories.

With great love and optimism…[1]

 [1] Unsigned

[sullybot]

Pretty in Pages Part 16/? (Kandomere x OC) (Nick x OC)

Part 16 is here my lovelies. You know the drill by now lol. Enjoy.

Beginning | Previous | Next |

Kandomere put on a nice, pinstripe suit and sighed softly. He was one of those people who kind of, stood out, in a crowd. Even among elves, he was a face that was easily recognized. He was worried about Violet, being involved with him. He knew it would put her in danger. As long as she either stayed with him or inside this house, she would surely be fine.. Surely… He went downstairs and put his shoes on, smiling over at her with a raised eyebrow. “Now, for what possible purpose would you need your purse?”

Violet tucked a stray strand of her loose red hair behind her ear, blinking when he commented on her not needing her purse, “I always take it with me. It's got feminine things in it, and my inhaler… my birth control, my important information I'll need for the loan office.” She said, tilting her head and smiling at him gently, “I don't have any money, aside from what is left of the check you gave me. But I used most of that to pay off my credit card and contribute to rent at the apartment.” She said softly.

   “Inhaler?” Kandomere asked suddenly, feeling a pit in his stomach. “You… You didn’t tell me that you need an inhaler, Violet. What other medical conditions do you have?” He questioned urgently. He was upset, because he could have hurt her. He would have had no idea what to do for her, or where her medication was. “These are things I need to know if you are going to continue living here with me. I’d hate for something horrible to happen, just because I was not properly informed or prepared.” He scolded.

Violet blinked up at him when he so suddenly grew concerned, “It's just exercise induced asthma, Kandomere… it's not like it's cancer.” She assured him softly, “I'm sorry. We haven't had a lot of time to talk about this kind of thing. I rarely ever have episodes, I only have it for when I go running. Nothing else triggers it.” She promised him softly, “When we get home… would it make you feel better to go over my medical history? Every broken bone, every time I had to go to the hospital or had pneumonia?” she asked him, taking his hand in hers and squeezing, “I didn't mean to worry you.” She whispered and bit onto her lower lip, suddenly no longer feeling like going out though she knew they needed to. “I get bronchitis every once in a while, but my doctor said it was always because of our poor living conditions and the crap I was breathing in that aggravated the asthma. I don't have anything else.” She assured him.

   Kandomere looked down at her and let out a deep breath through his nose, shaking his head slightly. “I can’t tell if you mean what you are saying, or are trying to make me feel bad for being so protective.” He admit softly before kissing her on her forehead. “I don’t need to know your entire medical history. But an exercise induced asthma really could have acted up while we were together intimately, Violet. I know I am not the most gentle of lovers.” He explained before putting his coat on over his shoulders. “You aren’t going to have those poor living conditions any longer, so perhaps that will keep you from getting so sick.” He said before opening the door and motioning for her to step outside.

“I meant it Kandomere. I don't want you to feel bad for being protective. I like this side of you. Being intimate is different than running. I don't want you to force yourself to be gentle with me just because I have asthma.” She whispered gently and pulled her light coat on as well, “I know. If I'm lucky I won't get it anymore.” She mused and followed him out of the house. Fidgeting with her hands she tentatively reached out to take his, though when she grazed her fingers against his she thought better of it and pulled her hand back, not sure if he would want to be seen holding hands with her in public.

   Kandomere felt her hand brush his briefly and felt a pang of regret. He couldn’t show that kind of affection for her, not in public. She was too fragile for this harsh world. “You are quite lucky or you wouldn’t be here.” He said before getting into the car and waiting for her with a small sigh. “I know you don’t want me to be gentle just because you have asthma, but it’s more than that. I’ll always have to hold back, regardless. Unless you’d rather end up in the hospital due to a pelvic fracture.”

Violet settled into the car next to him and fidgeted with her hands in her lap, “I know that.” She whispered softly, “I know I'm fragile, to your race anyway… I just don't want you to have to hold back even more because of it.” She murmured and fiddled with her fingers in her lap, “If that makes any sense at all. I'm very aware how different from you I am. I just don't like making those differences even more stark.” She sighed and leaned her head back against her seat.

Across town, Nick was just getting off of working a night shift with Ward, and he was physically beat, but his mind was wired. Once Alexeena had been moved home from the hospital he had finally finished moving all of his things out of his dinky little apartment and got them settled in the new house. Maggie loved the new house, especially the backyard, and Nick had just begun sectioning off a small portion of the back area to turn into a garden. He already had plans drawn up for putting in a few trees and flowers in the small section of front yard that they had and was looking forward to possibly working on it this weekend. He didn't know yet what Xena would feel up to doing and he didn't want to push her to do anything she wasn't ready for.         He locked his truck and walked up to the front door, yawning weakly and pushing the door open slowly as he let it fall back shut behind him. “Xena! I'm home.” he called, kicking off his shoes and pushing them close to the closet before he padded further into the house.

   “I feel like you are misunderstanding me, Violet.” Kandomere sighed, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger for a moment before he began driving into town, to get the things that she needed. “I am not trying to make you feel guilty, or inferior. I am only trying to explain. I get… am just..” He sighed before shaking his head. “I am too logical for my own good, sometimes. I can’t help it. I’ve spent decades like this.”

   Alexeena was still not doing great, but, she was better. She had more or less been put into the witness protection program, or at least, it was similar. She was not to leave her house without escorts. There were too many extremist groups surfacing since the Inferni came to light that it was no longer safe for her and the way she lived here… And it was hard. Mostly, because she could not go to work and they had stripped her home of all alcohol. She hadn’t intended on being sober cold turkey and it was her least favorite thing in the past few hundred years.    She was sitting on her couch, listening to music on the radio and working on her novel, though, progress was slow. It was hard for her to stay focused on almost anything. She wanted desperately to go back to work, but they wouldn’t let her. She heard Nick come home and a small smile crossed her lips. “I’m in the living room, Nicky!” She called back, forcing herself to sound more chipper than she felt.

Violet tilted her head back to look up at Kandomere, “I'm sorry. I'm just going to stop talking. Maybe we can have this conversation later and I can make more sense out of it. I'm still sorry I didn't tell you about the asthma.” she murmured and reached out to lay her hand on his thigh before closing her eyes and laying her head back against her seat. They had lots to do today and in the next few days, she didn't want to argue with him. Maybe later when they got home she would make more sense of things.

       Nick knew that Xena was still struggling with the fact that she had to stay home and couldn't go to work but he tried to make things better for her by staying home with her and keeping her entertained. He also knew that the lack of alcohol during that first week and subsequently the last few days. He could smell her discomfort and the pain she was going through without it. But he hoped at least that his presence here with her made it better.         Hearing her call back to him he couldn't help but smile and hurried inside, grinning to himself as he saw her sitting on the couch with her laptop settled in her lap and Maggie curled up by her feet. “There are my two favorite girls.” He said with a grin and came closer to flop down on the couch beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and drawing her into his chest. He had showered before coming home, so he actually smelled quite pleasant, a mix of his soft cologne and the bland shampoo they stocked at the station.          “How are you feeling today?” He whispered to her and tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her pointed ear, leaning his head down to press his forehead against hers.

   Alexeena smiled as he came into the room and sat down beside her. She leaned up and kissed his cheek before sighing and shaking her head. “I still feel like death that’s been warmed over. Everything hurts. Withdraw is horrible and it makes me regret my years of alcoholism, but only because it won’t kill me. My head throbs and it’s hard to do anything. Maggie has been taking good care of me…” She said before sighing, cupping his face. “I hate it here… My house has become my prison and I would do anything to get out of here… Hell, spending christmas with my father would be better than spending another minute in this house.” She said before looking back down at her laptop. She closed it and set it down on the coffee table before rubbing her eyes again. “I think I’ve maybe written a page today. I don’t remember the last time my progress was this slow.” She sighed before leaning against him again. “How was your day, Nick, kill anyone?” She teased.

         Nick pressed his lips to hers lightly as she set her laptop aside, nuzzling her nose with his own before responding, “Your attempts at humor get worse every day you stay in this house.” He teased her right back, “But no. It was the usual. Noise complaints, drunk people vomiting in the car, couple crazies and a guy who took too many Viagra. That one was funny.” He chuckled and sighed, reaching up to cup her cheek again, “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Take your mind off the discomfort? Make dinner?” He sighed sadly, “I think I managed to convince Kandomere I'm a good bodyguard… we could go for a walk.” he suggested lightly, “Or go out to eat. Or drive the truck to the middle of nowhere in the dunes and put the air mattress in the bed, and I could make love to you until you beg for mercy, and then we watch the stars?” He was willing to do anything for her. She was his everything and he hated seeing her so miserable.

   Alexeena laughed softly at his day and nodded her head before cupping his cheek gently. “Do you really want to risk going outside without getting clearance from Kandomere first? My, you are a brave one.” She laughed before slowly standing up. “I want to go to the beach. I just… I just want to spend some time standing in the ocean. I want to feel the waves against my skin and the air against my face. I think it would be good to reconnect with the world outside of this house, like that. Perhaps you can even convince Kandomere to join us, just to make sure that I am extra safe.” She said with a playful role of her eyes.

   Nick looked down at her incredulously, “I don’t think so.” he laughed deeply, “He can’t hurt me, I protect his precious sister.” he whispered and stood up as well, reaching out to snag her hips in his hands and pull her against his body, “Then let’s go go the beach.” he whispered and kissed her passionately, his thumbs sliding over her hips to cup her backside gently, “Besides, from what I understand from Montague when I tried to contact him earlier, he took the next three days off of work to help his new live in girlfriend adjust.” he murmured teasingly, resting his forehead against hers for a moment, “Go put on some beach clothes, I’ll change too, and get a blanket and some snacks that your stomach can handle.” he murmured to her and gave her cheeks a squeeze before letting go and pulling away from her reluctantly.

   Alexeena laughed and rolled her eyes before kissing him back, wrapping her arms around his neck while he spoke. Her eyes went wide when he said the word ‘girlfriend’. “Girlfriend? Kandomere has a girlfriend? Since when? That seems so unlike him, especially after his most recent divorce.” She said with a tone of surprise. “I’ll go put on some beach clothes. Call Kandomere. See if he and his… girlfriend… Would like to join us. He wants us to be a family again, right? I think this seems like a perfect time to start trying.” She said before disappearing up the stairs to change her clothes.

        Nick chuckled lightly and nodded, “Montague was more than willing to talk about it because apparently Kandomere has been telling him about her. She was his intern secretary, and he's basically turned into her sugar daddy?” he said, “I think those were the words he used.” he admitted and smacked her backside as she walked away from him, “I'll give him a call, see what he thinks.” He agreed, watching her go before pulling out his phone and dialing the personal cell number that Kandomere had given him.

        “My brother has lost his damn mind…” Alexeena murmured to herself while changing. She put on a plain, navy blue, one piece swimsuit underneath a baby blue sundress. “I have to meet her. I need to know what trouble my brother is getting into.” She called down to Nick. “Tell him that I'll pack a picnic for the four of us if he and his new lover would like to join us.”

       “Will do babe!” He called up to her and held the phone to his ear as he waited. While they were driving in silence, Kandomere’s phone began to ring inside of Violet’s purse where she had stowed it. Rifling it out of the bag she looked at the screen and saw that it read ‘Jakoby’. Tilting her head to the side she swiped across the screen to answer and put it to her ear while glancing over at Kan as he drove, “Hello?” she said softly into the phone.      Nick blinked at the soft sound of a woman's voice on the other end of the phone, but tried not to let it get to him, “Yes, Hello, my name is Nick Jakoby, and I am looking for Agent Kandomere on a personal matter… may I speak to him?” He asked and glanced up towards the stairs.          Violet pulled the phone away from her ear and put it on speaker, “You're on speaker Mr. Jakoby, Kandomere is driving at the moment.” she said in her soft, melodic voice.         “Good morning Kandomere! Xena and I are going to have an outing at the beach, and she wanted to invite you and your new girlfriend along for a picnic. Since I heard you had taken some time off we thought it would be a good opportunity to have some family time and meet this woman of yours.” He rambled and then cleared his throat, “What do you say? It won't be for long, maybe an hour or so.”

        Kandomere was more than surprised to hear Jakoby on the other line, even more surprise by Alexeena’s willingness to speak to him. What on earth caused that change of heart. The look on his face clearly showed his amazement at the words he was hearing and it took him a few moment to regain himself. “Good afternoon, Nick.” He said before looking at the clock and clearing his throat. “Violet and I are currently running some errands to help her get settled. How about I make you a deal. Send me the address and we can meet you at the beach in about an hour, and we can spend, oh… The rest of the afternoon there?” He offered before smiling toward Violet. “I think some extended leisure time would be good for everyone involved. I'm sure Alexeena isn't taking house arrest well. I'd like to let her outside for as long as possible… Violet as well.”         Alexeena had stopped at the top of the stairs and closed her eyes. Hearing his voice made her chest tight. What on earth had she been thinking? Was it really time to end this fight that had existed for hundreds of years? I mean, she and Kandomere hadn't been on speaking terms since the end of his second marriage. She didn't even know how long ago that was, but he had clearly changed. The Kandomere she had known would never have considered yet another relationship. Not after the previous disasters he'd found himself in.

        An incredibly excited look came over Violet’s face at the mention of going to the beach, beaming up at Kandomere and nodding her head excitedly as he agreed to meet Nick there in an hour after they finished their important errands.       “The stuff at my house can wait until we are on our way home. The mall and admissions office shouldn't take long at all.” she agreed, holding the phone between Kandomere and herself as he spoke into the phone.        “That sounds great! I'll let Xena know and we will meet you at the beach. Oh, and I'll text you where we will meet up. See you then!” Nick said, his deep voice chipper as he hung up the phone and turned around to see Alexeena standing at the top of the stairs, a smile crossing his lips at the sight of her, “Hey there beautiful.” He murmured, walking to the bottom of the stairs and waiting for her to come down the stairs to wrap his arms around her and kiss her on the lips lightly, “We now have a playdate for the rest of the afternoon.” he joked lightly and rubbed his thumb over the apple of her cheek, “I'll go change, if you get started on that picnic. I'll text him the address and get Maggie's stuff so she can go too.”

        Alexeena shook her head slowly while she walked down the stairs. She slid her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. “I don't know if I'm ready for this, Nick…” She whispered nervously. “Kandomere and I haven't been close for a very, very long time… Once upon a time… We were best friends. Nearly inseparable. Mother joked that we were attached at the hip…” She said with a remorseful laugh. “That feels like lifetimes ago... I hope that perhaps this new girlfriend of his has been good for him. Maybe he's not the raging asshole he always used to be.” She said before kissing Nick again before releasing him and walking toward the kitchen. “I'll pack the basket now. I'll grab whatever sounds good. I'd like to stop by the store on our way. Grab some Gatorade and some Grapes. Good beach things to have.” She called over her shoulder.

         Nick cradled her close to his chest as she voiced her fears, his forehead pressed against hers and his ears twitching slightly while he listened. “You'll do just fine. I know you will.” He whispered tenderly, his hands pausing on her hips, “I'll be right there close to you the whole time. If you decide you want to go home, then we go home. Okay?” He murmured and returned her kiss before letting her go so she could head into the kitchen. “Sounds good! You and Maggie can wait in the truck and I'll run in to grab them. Be right back!” He called back to her and jogged upstairs so he could change. He came back down a few minutes later in swim trunks and a plain white t-shirt, both straining slightly to contain his taunt muscled form, no matter how he tried to hide it the slight bulge of his length showed against the material of his shorts, even though he wasn't currently aroused.           “Maggie, c’mere!” He called, to which the dog perked up instantly and sagged her whole body as she practically jumped up into Nick’s arms. “Easy girl, go get your leash and your ball.” He instructed her to which the dog barked and ran off into the house. While she did that Nick returned to the kitchen. “Anything else I can help with?” he asked.

   Alexeena tried to keep calm as she organized a picnic for four. She knew absolutely nothing about what Kandomere or his girlfriend liked to eat. She packed a little of everything. A few sandwiches, cheeses, crackers, carrots and dip. She made sure she had plates and knives for the cheese. She put everything into her large, insulated, purple bag that was sitting on the counter. She grabbed a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and added those as well.    Her heart was racing. She had not expected Kandomere to agree. She didn’t know the last time he took any time off of work. This new girl he’d met must really be something, if she convinced him she was worth taking time off for.    She looked over at  Nick when he came back into the kitchen and shook her head with a small smile. “No, I’m basically done, really. Just those couple of things we wanted to get from the grocery store.” She said with a nod of her head. “Then we can head out.”

        Nick slipped his hand onto her hip and surveyed her work, “Looks great to me. Mags is ready to go, let's go get in the truck.” he murmured and pressed his lips to her temple, “It'll be okay. I promise. Kandomere has always been kind to me, despite the issues I've had with most elves. I think he really has changed from what you used to know.” He whispered and let go of her so he could pick up the bag and carry it out to the truck, helping Maggie into the back and holding Xena’s door for her so she could get in.        The drive to the store didn't take long, neither did it take him long to buy grapes and gatorade. Within a half hour they were unloading their things at the beach, Nick letting Maggie off her leash to play in the water while he spread a blanket out on the sand.

   Alexeena held the bag in her hands when she got out of his truck. It felt so nice, the hot air against her face and the breeze through her dark hair. It was afternoon, but the sun was still very warm. The air smelled like salt from the water. The waves crashed onto the shore and she smiled. It felt so good to be outside of her home. She followed Nick to the blanket he laid out and sat down, putting her bag in the sand beside her while looking longingly toward the ocean. “It’s such a beautiful day.”    Kandomere and Violet had arrived not long after. He parked his slick black car next to Nick’s truck and killed the engine. He didn’t get out of the car yet. He only looked toward the beach. He could see Nick and Alexeena. How was he supposed to act? Like nothing had happened? Were they going to discuss all of these years? He looked down at the steering wheel before closing his eyes tightly. He turned to look at Violet and forced an uneasy smile. “As you may or may not remember… My sister really.. Mostly… She mostly hates me, or at least, she used to. Quite a bit. I just want to apologize to you right now. If this gets awkward or tense, we may have to leave. I just don’t want to get your hopes up, just in case we do not stay as long as expected.”

      Nick smiled back at Alexeena as she stood close and let the wind blow her hair. He was glad she was already enjoying herself. He loved seeing her happy, and the last week she certainly had not been. “It is nice here, isn't it?” He asked, looking back towards the truck to see Kandomere’s car pull up beside it, though they didn't get out right away.         Violet looked up at Kandomere and gave him a genuine smile, “Even if we only spend maybe ten minutes here Kan?” she whispered, “It will be ten minutes I get to spend here with you, at the beach. So… I don't mind if we have to leave. I'll just be glad to meet your sister and her boyfriend, and be here with you.” she assured him gently, leaning across the car to kiss him, the action quite rough before she pulled back, grinning all the while, and got out of the car. She kicked off her shoes and carried them in one hand as she walked out onto the beach, pausing and turning around to wait for Kandomere with her hand stretched towards him.

   Alexeena laughed quietly as she looked up at Nick, raising a hand to block the sun slightly. “It is nice here. I’ve always loved the water. Mother told me I should have been born a Mermaid, not an elf.” She laughed quietly before she turned and saw a young woman with bright red hair outside of a car. Clearly human, she could smell it.    Kandomere kissed her back and groaned softly when she got out of the car. He hoped this would go better than he was expecting it to. He got out of the car and follow suit, removing his shoes and socks before stepping onto the warm sand. He walked toward Nick and Alexeena, waving a hand toward them nervously.    Alexeena’s eyes went wide while they approached. She turned to look at Nick with wide eyes. “She is human? Did you know about this?” She whispered in Orcish. She didn’t care of Kandomere heard her, but she certainly didn’t want to make this poor girl uncomfortable just because she was surprised.

       Nick glanced over at the two coming towards them, his eyes widening in surprise as Alexeena spoke, “I had no idea she was human. Montague never mentioned it.”  He whispered back to her in Orcish, coming to stand next to where she sat and crouched down next to her, “She must be special.” He whispered against her ear in English this time, going quiet as the other two drew closer.         Violet took his hand in hers whether he liked it or not as they got closer, making a show of it being for support as she teetered in the sand. She knew he didn't like to make contact with her in public if he could help it but they were practically the only ones on this beach today as it was the middle of a normal work day, and the beach was quite secluded. “Hello!” She called to the orc and elf standing by the beach blanket. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and she was nervous, but she was doing her best to be friendly.          “Hey! Glad you could make it Kandomere! Care to introduce us to your lady friend?” Nick asked as he stood up again, rolling his shoulders and settling his hands on his hips, trying not to look intimidating. He knew how most humans felt about him.        Violet’s bright purple eyes went wide as she focused on Nick, a gasp leaving her throat, “You didn't tell me your sister was dating the hero medal cop!” She chirped at Kandomere, nudging him in the side and letting go of his hand to hurry up to Nick and shake his hand, “I'm a big fan! I think it's great that the police force is starting to hire more diverse people now!” She giggled and let go of his hand then, her cheeks flushed, “I'm sorry, I'm Violet. It's nice to meet both of you.” she said, nibbling on her lip.          Nick couldn't help but laugh and nod his head, “It's alright. Nice to meet you Violet. You can call me Nick.”

   “Of course he would fail to mention she’s a human.” Alexeena murmured in orcish with a hint of irritation before standing up from the spot where she had been sitting. She watched as both of them approached and much to her surprise, the girl approached Nick first. She hadn’t expected a human to start immediately with an Orc instead of an Elf, especially if she was dating an elf. She watched their exchange with cautious eyes before finally turning her attention toward her brother. Though he looked young and always would, he was an old man, just trying to keep up.    “It’s good to see you, Kandomere.” Alexeena said quietly before nodding her head toward Violet. “It’s nice to see that you’ve decided to try again. It has been a while, hasn’t it?”    “Hello Alexeena.” Kandomere said with a small smile before setting his shoes down on the ground. He watched Violet talking with Nick and couldn’t help but chuckle. “I didn’t mention it, because it doesn’t matter. If you are impressed by that, you’ll probably be shocked to know that Alexeena is actually a writer. Her pen name is Alice Hepbern. You might recall the name from the news a couple of weeks back.” He explained before placing a hand on Violet’s shoulder and placing a small kiss on her temple.    “Have you lost your damn mind?” Alexeena said with wide eyes while focused intently on her brother. She said these words in elvish, hoping that Violet did not speak the language. She could not remember the last time that Kandomere had shown that kind of affection to anyone. He didn’t even touch his ex-wife in public for several years. Not only that, but the way he so casually mentioned information. He must not have been able to separate the fact that she was a lover now, not an employee.    Not to mention that, but she was currently under government protection after the kidnapping and the business with the wand. He, as part of the FBI, knew better than to speak and behave so casually in public.

   Nick was still chuckling slightly, though he went quiet as Kandomere began to speak, showing such obvious affection for the girl standing beside him. It was something he had never seen from the man before, at least, he always seemed stoic and without flaws, to see him happy and engaging in physical contact was amazing to him. He flinched however at Alexeena’s words, glancing towards Violet who stood next to Kandomere. At the mention of Alexeena’s pen name, Violet instantly perked up, however as she parted her lips to express how much she loved Alexeena’s work, she spoke instead. While it had been a few years since she took any Elvish in high school, the intonation of the words, and a few that she remembered from the phrase Alexeena said to Kandomere instantly took the wind out of her sails. Biting onto her lower lip and forcing a breath out through her nose to calm the pain in her chest, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I love your books.” Violet said softly though she didn’t look up at Alexeena, instead glancing over at the dog who was bouncing around behind Nick, “I’m gonna go play with the dog, Kandomere. You should probably talk to your sister alone.” she murmured and let go of Kan’s hand to venture away from the group. Dropping her shoes by the blanket she jogged down to the water's edge and picked up the stick that Maggie had been waving around and threw it for her out into the water, watching as she chased after it and then brought it back. Nick exhaled through his nose and looked down at Alexeena, “You know better than to assume someone doesn’t speak your language, Xena…” he said softly to her and slid his hand onto her back, “She’s right though. You two should talk. I’ll go keep Violet company.” he said softly and kissed her forehead before he too walked down to the edge of the water, speaking quietly to Violet as they took turns throwing the stick for Maggie.

“You of all people, Alexeena? That’s rich.” Kandomere said with a small scoff before looking over at Violet with a look of dismay as she continued speaking before walking toward the shore. He wished she had stopped talking. Alexeena hadn’t deserved those kind words, not after what she had said. Once Violet and Nick were out of earshot, he continued again. “You, of all people, to make a scene about someones ra-” “No.” Alexeena corrected, holding a finger up to silence him temporarily. “This has nothing to do with the fact that she is a human, Kandomere. This has to do with you. Are you out of your mind? Did something at work finally happen to break you? I’ve never heard you throw around classified information since you were in the academy and could not stop your excitement.” She hissed coldly. “If she didn’t know who I was, she didn’t need to know. She was fine with seeing Nick as a hero. Why did you have to say anything? And kissing her? You know that paints a target on her back.” “You say that like I don’t know it.” Kandomere snapped back impatiently. “You being Alice is hardly classified. Heavily buried, sure, but not classified. If it was classified, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone either, so don’t you dare play that card on me.” He said sternly before glaring at her. “Maybe I don’t want to do this anymore. In all of these years, I’ve never before considered retiring, or doing something else with my time. I always thought that,if I was going to live forever, I should do something good with my time. Or do something dangerous until it killed me. But maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to hide and close myself off for the good of people who have never even heard of me. I’ve decided that I want to be happy, Alexeena. If you can’t accept that, maybe you need to reevaluate yourself this time.” He sighed before running his hand through his hair and taking a deep breath through his nose. “Retiring? For a woman who will only live seventy? Eighty more years, if you are lucky? That’s a blink of an eye Kandomere.” Alexeena said with a slight shake of her head. “Don’t give up your life for something so temporary.” “I’ve gone through three marriages, Alexeena. Even with elves, nothing is permanent. You know as well as I do that Nick will not live as long as you do, either. I’m not here to lecture you. I like him, and I support you being with him. All I ask is for you to do the same for me.” “I…” Alexeena started before sighing and looking over her shoulder toward Violet and Nick, shaking her head slightly before looking at Kandomere. “You’re right. I can’t argue with you when you’re right.” She said before closing her eyes. “I’ve just… I’ve spent so long being mad at you, that all I do is find reasons to be mad at you. That’s not your fault, that’s mine and I.. I’m sorry.” She apologized before opening her eyes again. “She really is quite lovely, and, if she makes your stoic demeanor crumble into a smile every now and again, even better.” “Thank you.” Kandomere said with a sincere smile before reaching out to grab her arm, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her tightly, kissing her on her forehead. “You will always be my baby sister. If we can’t support each other, how the hell else can we expect anyone else to?” He questioned before pulling away and looking down at her. “I want you to apologize to her when she comes back over here.”

Violet was quiet as she threw the stick for Maggie, eventually wading out into the water with Nick by her side, both opting to remain silent for a little while as they took turns throwing the stick. Finally Nick spoke, “I don’t think she meant it like that. Xena is usually very tolerant… and she is the most for desegregation person I have ever met. I think she was just… surprised.” he murmured quietly, passing the stick back and forth between his hands before he threw it back out into the water, looking down at his legs where the water lapped at his thighs. They had waded out quite a ways, though Violet didn’t go any further than that. The water was lapping almost to her hips, she was much shorter than the rest of them and it showed with how deep the water was on her. However, she couldn’t swim to save her life, and she wouldn’t go out any further, “If I knew her, I’m sure I would think the same, Nick.” she said with a twitch of her lips though it didn’t turn into anything more, “But I don’t know her. And It still hurts. Maybe we can talk more once they get out what they need to. Until then… I’ll stay right here with you and your dog.” she said decisively and threw the stick that Maggie brought back to her. “I’m glad you at least have a head on your shoulders. Means we don’t have to worry about Kandomere so much. I know he is a federal agent and all, but sometimes I feel like he is more scatterbrained than a squirrel. You seem to ground him and keep him on track, at least… from what I’ve heard and seen. You were one of the longest lasting interns he had. And…” Nick exhaled and glanced over his shoulder at Alexeena and Kandomere, “I’ve never seen him smile. Not once. But today, I’ve seen him do it more than once. And I have a feeling that is all to do with you. Xena will warm up to you. Try not to worry about it.” Violet glanced up at him and smiled gently as well, nodding her head, “Thanks Nick. I think I needed to hear that.” she whispered, and a big grin came over her face as she turned towards Nick and quickly swept her arm across the surface of the water to douse him in a splash of water. Nick sputtered and spit water to the side, coughing and laughing as he in turn splashed her back and drenched her from head to toe. She had picked up a bikini at the mall while they were there and changed in the car on the way, but her white blouse was soaked through and showed off the purple striped bikini. Violet laughed and shook herself, her red hair plastered to her face and the back of her neck though the bun had managed to hold up, “God.” she chuckled, “Alright. I think we’re even.” she giggled and wiped the water from her face, glancing over her shoulder to see Kandomere and Alexeena hugging it out, and she let out a sigh of relief. It wooshed from her lungs in one big exhale and she nodded to NIck, who followed her back up to the shore, padding across the sand to the blanket, “Looks like you two worked it out a bit.” Nick said gently, grinning devilishly as he advanced towards Alexeena, still dripping wet with his arms extended towards her. Kandomere put on a nice, pinstripe suit and sighed softly. He was one of those people who kind of, stood out, in a crowd. Even among elves, he was a face that was easily recognized. He was worried about Violet, being involved with him. He knew it would put her in danger. As long as she either stayed with him or inside this house, she would surely be fine.. Surely… He went downstairs and put his shoes on, smiling over at her with a raised eyebrow. “Now, for what possible purpose would you need your purse?”

Violet tucked a stray strand of her loose red hair behind her ear, blinking when he commented on her not needing her purse, “I always take it with me. It's got feminine things in it, and my inhaler… my birth control, my important information I'll need for the loan office.” She said, tilting her head and smiling at him gently, “I don't have any money, aside from what is left of the check you gave me. But I used most of that to pay off my credit card and contribute to rent at the apartment.” She said softly.

   “Inhaler?” Kandomere asked suddenly, feeling a pit in his stomach. “You… You didn’t tell me that you need an inhaler, Violet. What other medical conditions do you have?” He questioned urgently. He was upset, because he could have hurt her. He would have had no idea what to do for her, or where her medication was. “These are things I need to know if you are going to continue living here with me. I’d hate for something horrible to happen, just because I was not properly informed or prepared.” He scolded.

Violet blinked up at him when he so suddenly grew concerned, “It's just exercise induced asthma, Kandomere… it's not like it's cancer.” She assured him softly, “I'm sorry. We haven't had a lot of time to talk about this kind of thing. I rarely ever have episodes, I only have it for when I go running. Nothing else triggers it.” She promised him softly, “When we get home… would it make you feel better to go over my medical history? Every broken bone, every time I had to go to the hospital or had pneumonia?” she asked him, taking his hand in hers and squeezing, “I didn't mean to worry you.” She whispered and bit onto her lower lip, suddenly no longer feeling like going out though she knew they needed to. “I get bronchitis every once in a while, but my doctor said it was always because of our poor living conditions and the crap I was breathing in that aggravated the asthma. I don't have anything else.” She assured him.

   Kandomere looked down at her and let out a deep breath through his nose, shaking his head slightly. “I can’t tell if you mean what you are saying, or are trying to make me feel bad for being so protective.” He admit softly before kissing her on her forehead. “I don’t need to know your entire medical history. But an exercise induced asthma really could have acted up while we were together intimately, Violet. I know I am not the most gentle of lovers.” He explained before putting his coat on over his shoulders. “You aren’t going to have those poor living conditions any longer, so perhaps that will keep you from getting so sick.” He said before opening the door and motioning for her to step outside.

“I meant it Kandomere. I don't want you to feel bad for being protective. I like this side of you. Being intimate is different than running. I don't want you to force yourself to be gentle with me just because I have asthma.” She whispered gently and pulled her light coat on as well, “I know. If I'm lucky I won't get it anymore.” She mused and followed him out of the house. Fidgeting with her hands she tentatively reached out to take his, though when she grazed her fingers against his she thought better of it and pulled her hand back, not sure if he would want to be seen holding hands with her in public.

   Kandomere felt her hand brush his briefly and felt a pang of regret. He couldn’t show that kind of affection for her, not in public. She was too fragile for this harsh world. “You are quite lucky or you wouldn’t be here.” He said before getting into the car and waiting for her with a small sigh. “I know you don’t want me to be gentle just because you have asthma, but it’s more than that. I’ll always have to hold back, regardless. Unless you’d rather end up in the hospital due to a pelvic fracture.”

Violet settled into the car next to him and fidgeted with her hands in her lap, “I know that.” She whispered softly, “I know I'm fragile, to your race anyway… I just don't want you to have to hold back even more because of it.” She murmured and fiddled with her fingers in her lap, “If that makes any sense at all. I'm very aware how different from you I am. I just don't like making those differences even more stark.” She sighed and leaned her head back against her seat.

Across town, Nick was just getting off of working a night shift with Ward, and he was physically beat, but his mind was wired. Once Alexeena had been moved home from the hospital he had finally finished moving all of his things out of his dinky little apartment and got them settled in the new house. Maggie loved the new house, especially the backyard, and Nick had just begun sectioning off a small portion of the back area to turn into a garden. He already had plans drawn up for putting in a few trees and flowers in the small section of front yard that they had and was looking forward to possibly working on it this weekend. He didn't know yet what Xena would feel up to doing and he didn't want to push her to do anything she wasn't ready for.         He locked his truck and walked up to the front door, yawning weakly and pushing the door open slowly as he let it fall back shut behind him. “Xena! I'm home.” he called, kicking off his shoes and pushing them close to the closet before he padded further into the house.

   “I feel like you are misunderstanding me, Violet.” Kandomere sighed, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger for a moment before he began driving into town, to get the things that she needed. “I am not trying to make you feel guilty, or inferior. I am only trying to explain. I get… am just..” He sighed before shaking his head. “I am too logical for my own good, sometimes. I can’t help it. I’ve spent decades like this.”

   Alexeena was still not doing great, but, she was better. She had more or less been put into the witness protection program, or at least, it was similar. She was not to leave her house without escorts. There were too many extremist groups surfacing since the Inferni came to light that it was no longer safe for her and the way she lived here… And it was hard. Mostly, because she could not go to work and they had stripped her home of all alcohol. She hadn’t intended on being sober cold turkey and it was her least favorite thing in the past few hundred years.    She was sitting on her couch, listening to music on the radio and working on her novel, though, progress was slow. It was hard for her to stay focused on almost anything. She wanted desperately to go back to work, but they wouldn’t let her. She heard Nick come home and a small smile crossed her lips. “I’m in the living room, Nicky!” She called back, forcing herself to sound more chipper than she felt.

Violet tilted her head back to look up at Kandomere, “I'm sorry. I'm just going to stop talking. Maybe we can have this conversation later and I can make more sense out of it. I'm still sorry I didn't tell you about the asthma.” she murmured and reached out to lay her hand on his thigh before closing her eyes and laying her head back against her seat. They had lots to do today and in the next few days, she didn't want to argue with him. Maybe later when they got home she would make more sense of things.

       Nick knew that Xena was still struggling with the fact that she had to stay home and couldn't go to work but he tried to make things better for her by staying home with her and keeping her entertained. He also knew that the lack of alcohol during that first week and subsequently the last few days. He could smell her discomfort and the pain she was going through without it. But he hoped at least that his presence here with her made it better.         Hearing her call back to him he couldn't help but smile and hurried inside, grinning to himself as he saw her sitting on the couch with her laptop settled in her lap and Maggie curled up by her feet. “There are my two favorite girls.” He said with a grin and came closer to flop down on the couch beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and drawing her into his chest. He had showered before coming home, so he actually smelled quite pleasant, a mix of his soft cologne and the bland shampoo they stocked at the station.          “How are you feeling today?” He whispered to her and tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her pointed ear, leaning his head down to press his forehead against hers.

   Alexeena smiled as he came into the room and sat down beside her. She leaned up and kissed his cheek before sighing and shaking her head. “I still feel like death that’s been warmed over. Everything hurts. Withdraw is horrible and it makes me regret my years of alcoholism, but only because it won’t kill me. My head throbs and it’s hard to do anything. Maggie has been taking good care of me…” She said before sighing, cupping his face. “I hate it here… My house has become my prison and I would do anything to get out of here… Hell, spending christmas with my father would be better than spending another minute in this house.” She said before looking back down at her laptop. She closed it and set it down on the coffee table before rubbing her eyes again. “I think I’ve maybe written a page today. I don’t remember the last time my progress was this slow.” She sighed before leaning against him again. “How was your day, Nick, kill anyone?” She teased.

         Nick pressed his lips to hers lightly as she set her laptop aside, nuzzling her nose with his own before responding, “Your attempts at humor get worse every day you stay in this house.” He teased her right back, “But no. It was the usual. Noise complaints, drunk people vomiting in the car, couple crazies and a guy who took too many Viagra. That one was funny.” He chuckled and sighed, reaching up to cup her cheek again, “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Take your mind off the discomfort? Make dinner?” He sighed sadly, “I think I managed to convince Kandomere I'm a good bodyguard… we could go for a walk.” he suggested lightly, “Or go out to eat. Or drive the truck to the middle of nowhere in the dunes and put the air mattress in the bed, and I could make love to you until you beg for mercy, and then we watch the stars?” He was willing to do anything for her. She was his everything and he hated seeing her so miserable.

   Alexeena laughed softly at his day and nodded her head before cupping his cheek gently. “Do you really want to risk going outside without getting clearance from Kandomere first? My, you are a brave one.” She laughed before slowly standing up. “I want to go to the beach. I just… I just want to spend some time standing in the ocean. I want to feel the waves against my skin and the air against my face. I think it would be good to reconnect with the world outside of this house, like that. Perhaps you can even convince Kandomere to join us, just to make sure that I am extra safe.” She said with a playful role of her eyes.

   Nick looked down at her incredulously, “I don’t think so.” he laughed deeply, “He can’t hurt me, I protect his precious sister.” he whispered and stood up as well, reaching out to snag her hips in his hands and pull her against his body, “Then let’s go go the beach.” he whispered and kissed her passionately, his thumbs sliding over her hips to cup her backside gently, “Besides, from what I understand from Montague when I tried to contact him earlier, he took the next three days off of work to help his new live in girlfriend adjust.” he murmured teasingly, resting his forehead against hers for a moment, “Go put on some beach clothes, I’ll change too, and get a blanket and some snacks that your stomach can handle.” he murmured to her and gave her cheeks a squeeze before letting go and pulling away from her reluctantly.

   Alexeena laughed and rolled her eyes before kissing him back, wrapping her arms around his neck while he spoke. Her eyes went wide when he said the word ‘girlfriend’. “Girlfriend? Kandomere has a girlfriend? Since when? That seems so unlike him, especially after his most recent divorce.” She said with a tone of surprise. “I’ll go put on some beach clothes. Call Kandomere. See if he and his… girlfriend… Would like to join us. He wants us to be a family again, right? I think this seems like a perfect time to start trying.” She said before disappearing up the stairs to change her clothes.

        Nick chuckled lightly and nodded, “Montague was more than willing to talk about it because apparently Kandomere has been telling him about her. She was his intern secretary, and he's basically turned into her sugar daddy?” he said, “I think those were the words he used.” he admitted and smacked her backside as she walked away from him, “I'll give him a call, see what he thinks.” He agreed, watching her go before pulling out his phone and dialing the personal cell number that Kandomere had given him.

        “My brother has lost his damn mind…” Alexeena murmured to herself while changing. She put on a plain, navy blue, one piece swimsuit underneath a baby blue sundress. “I have to meet her. I need to know what trouble my brother is getting into.” She called down to Nick. “Tell him that I'll pack a picnic for the four of us if he and his new lover would like to join us.”

       “Will do babe!” He called up to her and held the phone to his ear as he waited. While they were driving in silence, Kandomere’s phone began to ring inside of Violet’s purse where she had stowed it. Rifling it out of the bag she looked at the screen and saw that it read ‘Jakoby’. Tilting her head to the side she swiped across the screen to answer and put it to her ear while glancing over at Kan as he drove, “Hello?” she said softly into the phone.      Nick blinked at the soft sound of a woman's voice on the other end of the phone, but tried not to let it get to him, “Yes, Hello, my name is Nick Jakoby, and I am looking for Agent Kandomere on a personal matter… may I speak to him?” He asked and glanced up towards the stairs.          Violet pulled the phone away from her ear and put it on speaker, “You're on speaker Mr. Jakoby, Kandomere is driving at the moment.” she said in her soft, melodic voice.         “Good morning Kandomere! Xena and I are going to have an outing at the beach, and she wanted to invite you and your new girlfriend along for a picnic. Since I heard you had taken some time off we thought it would be a good opportunity to have some family time and meet this woman of yours.” He rambled and then cleared his throat, “What do you say? It won't be for long, maybe an hour or so.”

        Kandomere was more than surprised to hear Jakoby on the other line, even more surprise by Alexeena’s willingness to speak to him. What on earth caused that change of heart. The look on his face clearly showed his amazement at the words he was hearing and it took him a few moment to regain himself. “Good afternoon, Nick.” He said before looking at the clock and clearing his throat. “Violet and I are currently running some errands to help her get settled. How about I make you a deal. Send me the address and we can meet you at the beach in about an hour, and we can spend, oh… The rest of the afternoon there?” He offered before smiling toward Violet. “I think some extended leisure time would be good for everyone involved. I'm sure Alexeena isn't taking house arrest well. I'd like to let her outside for as long as possible… Violet as well.”         Alexeena had stopped at the top of the stairs and closed her eyes. Hearing his voice made her chest tight. What on earth had she been thinking? Was it really time to end this fight that had existed for hundreds of years? I mean, she and Kandomere hadn't been on speaking terms since the end of his second marriage. She didn't even know how long ago that was, but he had clearly changed. The Kandomere she had known would never have considered yet another relationship. Not after the previous disasters he'd found himself in.

        An incredibly excited look came over Violet’s face at the mention of going to the beach, beaming up at Kandomere and nodding her head excitedly as he agreed to meet Nick there in an hour after they finished their important errands.       “The stuff at my house can wait until we are on our way home. The mall and admissions office shouldn't take long at all.” she agreed, holding the phone between Kandomere and herself as he spoke into the phone.        “That sounds great! I'll let Xena know and we will meet you at the beach. Oh, and I'll text you where we will meet up. See you then!” Nick said, his deep voice chipper as he hung up the phone and turned around to see Alexeena standing at the top of the stairs, a smile crossing his lips at the sight of her, “Hey there beautiful.” He murmured, walking to the bottom of the stairs and waiting for her to come down the stairs to wrap his arms around her and kiss her on the lips lightly, “We now have a playdate for the rest of the afternoon.” he joked lightly and rubbed his thumb over the apple of her cheek, “I'll go change, if you get started on that picnic. I'll text him the address and get Maggie's stuff so she can go too.”

        Alexeena shook her head slowly while she walked down the stairs. She slid her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. “I don't know if I'm ready for this, Nick…” She whispered nervously. “Kandomere and I haven't been close for a very, very long time… Once upon a time… We were best friends. Nearly inseparable. Mother joked that we were attached at the hip…” She said with a remorseful laugh. “That feels like lifetimes ago... I hope that perhaps this new girlfriend of his has been good for him. Maybe he's not the raging asshole he always used to be.” She said before kissing Nick again before releasing him and walking toward the kitchen. “I'll pack the basket now. I'll grab whatever sounds good. I'd like to stop by the store on our way. Grab some Gatorade and some Grapes. Good beach things to have.” She called over her shoulder.

         Nick cradled her close to his chest as she voiced her fears, his forehead pressed against hers and his ears twitching slightly while he listened. “You'll do just fine. I know you will.” He whispered tenderly, his hands pausing on her hips, “I'll be right there close to you the whole time. If you decide you want to go home, then we go home. Okay?” He murmured and returned her kiss before letting her go so she could head into the kitchen. “Sounds good! You and Maggie can wait in the truck and I'll run in to grab them. Be right back!” He called back to her and jogged upstairs so he could change. He came back down a few minutes later in swim trunks and a plain white t-shirt, both straining slightly to contain his taunt muscled form, no matter how he tried to hide it the slight bulge of his length showed against the material of his shorts, even though he wasn't currently aroused.           “Maggie, c’mere!” He called, to which the dog perked up instantly and sagged her whole body as she practically jumped up into Nick’s arms. “Easy girl, go get your leash and your ball.” He instructed her to which the dog barked and ran off into the house. While she did that Nick returned to the kitchen. “Anything else I can help with?” he asked.

   Alexeena tried to keep calm as she organized a picnic for four. She knew absolutely nothing about what Kandomere or his girlfriend liked to eat. She packed a little of everything. A few sandwiches, cheeses, crackers, carrots and dip. She made sure she had plates and knives for the cheese. She put everything into her large, insulated, purple bag that was sitting on the counter. She grabbed a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and added those as well.    Her heart was racing. She had not expected Kandomere to agree. She didn’t know the last time he took any time off of work. This new girl he’d met must really be something, if she convinced him she was worth taking time off for.    She looked over at  Nick when he came back into the kitchen and shook her head with a small smile. “No, I’m basically done, really. Just those couple of things we wanted to get from the grocery store.” She said with a nod of her head. “Then we can head out.”

        Nick slipped his hand onto her hip and surveyed her work, “Looks great to me. Mags is ready to go, let's go get in the truck.” he murmured and pressed his lips to her temple, “It'll be okay. I promise. Kandomere has always been kind to me, despite the issues I've had with most elves. I think he really has changed from what you used to know.” He whispered and let go of her so he could pick up the bag and carry it out to the truck, helping Maggie into the back and holding Xena’s door for her so she could get in.        The drive to the store didn't take long, neither did it take him long to buy grapes and gatorade. Within a half hour they were unloading their things at the beach, Nick letting Maggie off her leash to play in the water while he spread a blanket out on the sand.

   Alexeena held the bag in her hands when she got out of his truck. It felt so nice, the hot air against her face and the breeze through her dark hair. It was afternoon, but the sun was still very warm. The air smelled like salt from the water. The waves crashed onto the shore and she smiled. It felt so good to be outside of her home. She followed Nick to the blanket he laid out and sat down, putting her bag in the sand beside her while looking longingly toward the ocean. “It’s such a beautiful day.”    Kandomere and Violet had arrived not long after. He parked his slick black car next to Nick’s truck and killed the engine. He didn’t get out of the car yet. He only looked toward the beach. He could see Nick and Alexeena. How was he supposed to act? Like nothing had happened? Were they going to discuss all of these years? He looked down at the steering wheel before closing his eyes tightly. He turned to look at Violet and forced an uneasy smile. “As you may or may not remember… My sister really.. Mostly… She mostly hates me, or at least, she used to. Quite a bit. I just want to apologize to you right now. If this gets awkward or tense, we may have to leave. I just don’t want to get your hopes up, just in case we do not stay as long as expected.”

      Nick smiled back at Alexeena as she stood close and let the wind blow her hair. He was glad she was already enjoying herself. He loved seeing her happy, and the last week she certainly had not been. “It is nice here, isn't it?” He asked, looking back towards the truck to see Kandomere’s car pull up beside it, though they didn't get out right away.         Violet looked up at Kandomere and gave him a genuine smile, “Even if we only spend maybe ten minutes here Kan?” she whispered, “It will be ten minutes I get to spend here with you, at the beach. So… I don't mind if we have to leave. I'll just be glad to meet your sister and her boyfriend, and be here with you.” she assured him gently, leaning across the car to kiss him, the action quite rough before she pulled back, grinning all the while, and got out of the car. She kicked off her shoes and carried them in one hand as she walked out onto the beach, pausing and turning around to wait for Kandomere with her hand stretched towards him.

   Alexeena laughed quietly as she looked up at Nick, raising a hand to block the sun slightly. “It is nice here. I’ve always loved the water. Mother told me I should have been born a Mermaid, not an elf.” She laughed quietly before she turned and saw a young woman with bright red hair outside of a car. Clearly human, she could smell it.    Kandomere kissed her back and groaned softly when she got out of the car. He hoped this would go better than he was expecting it to. He got out of the car and follow suit, removing his shoes and socks before stepping onto the warm sand. He walked toward Nick and Alexeena, waving a hand toward them nervously.    Alexeena’s eyes went wide while they approached. She turned to look at Nick with wide eyes. “She is human? Did you know about this?” She whispered in Orcish. She didn’t care of Kandomere heard her, but she certainly didn’t want to make this poor girl uncomfortable just because she was surprised.

       Nick glanced over at the two coming towards them, his eyes widening in surprise as Alexeena spoke, “I had no idea she was human. Montague never mentioned it.”  He whispered back to her in Orcish, coming to stand next to where she sat and crouched down next to her, “She must be special.” He whispered against her ear in English this time, going quiet as the other two drew closer.         Violet took his hand in hers whether he liked it or not as they got closer, making a show of it being for support as she teetered in the sand. She knew he didn't like to make contact with her in public if he could help it but they were practically the only ones on this beach today as it was the middle of a normal work day, and the beach was quite secluded. “Hello!” She called to the orc and elf standing by the beach blanket. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and she was nervous, but she was doing her best to be friendly.          “Hey! Glad you could make it Kandomere! Care to introduce us to your lady friend?” Nick asked as he stood up again, rolling his shoulders and settling his hands on his hips, trying not to look intimidating. He knew how most humans felt about him.        Violet’s bright purple eyes went wide as she focused on Nick, a gasp leaving her throat, “You didn't tell me your sister was dating the hero medal cop!” She chirped at Kandomere, nudging him in the side and letting go of his hand to hurry up to Nick and shake his hand, “I'm a big fan! I think it's great that the police force is starting to hire more diverse people now!” She giggled and let go of his hand then, her cheeks flushed, “I'm sorry, I'm Violet. It's nice to meet both of you.” she said, nibbling on her lip.          Nick couldn't help but laugh and nod his head, “It's alright. Nice to meet you Violet. You can call me Nick.”

   “Of course he would fail to mention she’s a human.” Alexeena murmured in orcish with a hint of irritation before standing up from the spot where she had been sitting. She watched as both of them approached and much to her surprise, the girl approached Nick first. She hadn’t expected a human to start immediately with an Orc instead of an Elf, especially if she was dating an elf. She watched their exchange with cautious eyes before finally turning her attention toward her brother. Though he looked young and always would, he was an old man, just trying to keep up.    “It’s good to see you, Kandomere.” Alexeena said quietly before nodding her head toward Violet. “It’s nice to see that you’ve decided to try again. It has been a while, hasn’t it?”    “Hello Alexeena.” Kandomere said with a small smile before setting his shoes down on the ground. He watched Violet talking with Nick and couldn’t help but chuckle. “I didn’t mention it, because it doesn’t matter. If you are impressed by that, you’ll probably be shocked to know that Alexeena is actually a writer. Her pen name is Alice Hepbern. You might recall the name from the news a couple of weeks back.” He explained before placing a hand on Violet’s shoulder and placing a small kiss on her temple.    “Have you lost your damn mind?” Alexeena said with wide eyes while focused intently on her brother. She said these words in elvish, hoping that Violet did not speak the language. She could not remember the last time that Kandomere had shown that kind of affection to anyone. He didn’t even touch his ex-wife in public for several years. Not only that, but the way he so casually mentioned information. He must not have been able to separate the fact that she was a lover now, not an employee.    Not to mention that, but she was currently under government protection after the kidnapping and the business with the wand. He, as part of the FBI, knew better than to speak and behave so casually in public.

   Nick was still chuckling slightly, though he went quiet as Kandomere began to speak, showing such obvious affection for the girl standing beside him. It was something he had never seen from the man before, at least, he always seemed stoic and without flaws, to see him happy and engaging in physical contact was amazing to him. He flinched however at Alexeena’s words, glancing towards Violet who stood next to Kandomere. At the mention of Alexeena’s pen name, Violet instantly perked up, however as she parted her lips to express how much she loved Alexeena’s work, she spoke instead. While it had been a few years since she took any Elvish in high school, the intonation of the words, and a few that she remembered from the phrase Alexeena said to Kandomere instantly took the wind out of her sails. Biting onto her lower lip and forcing a breath out through her nose to calm the pain in her chest, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I love your books.” Violet said softly though she didn’t look up at Alexeena, instead glancing over at the dog who was bouncing around behind Nick, “I’m gonna go play with the dog, Kandomere. You should probably talk to your sister alone.” she murmured and let go of Kan’s hand to venture away from the group. Dropping her shoes by the blanket she jogged down to the water's edge and picked up the stick that Maggie had been waving around and threw it for her out into the water, watching as she chased after it and then brought it back. Nick exhaled through his nose and looked down at Alexeena, “You know better than to assume someone doesn’t speak your language, Xena…” he said softly to her and slid his hand onto her back, “She’s right though. You two should talk. I’ll go keep Violet company.” he said softly and kissed her forehead before he too walked down to the edge of the water, speaking quietly to Violet as they took turns throwing the stick for Maggie.

“You of all people, Alexeena? That’s rich.” Kandomere said with a small scoff before looking over at Violet with a look of dismay as she continued speaking before walking toward the shore. He wished she had stopped talking. Alexeena hadn’t deserved those kind words, not after what she had said. Once Violet and Nick were out of earshot, he continued again. “You, of all people, to make a scene about someones ra-” “No.” Alexeena corrected, holding a finger up to silence him temporarily. “This has nothing to do with the fact that she is a human, Kandomere. This has to do with you. Are you out of your mind? Did something at work finally happen to break you? I’ve never heard you throw around classified information since you were in the academy and could not stop your excitement.” She hissed coldly. “If she didn’t know who I was, she didn’t need to know. She was fine with seeing Nick as a hero. Why did you have to say anything? And kissing her? You know that paints a target on her back.” “You say that like I don’t know it.” Kandomere snapped back impatiently. “You being Alice is hardly classified. Heavily buried, sure, but not classified. If it was classified, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone either, so don’t you dare play that card on me.” He said sternly before glaring at her. “Maybe I don’t want to do this anymore. In all of these years, I’ve never before considered retiring, or doing something else with my time. I always thought that,if I was going to live forever, I should do something good with my time. Or do something dangerous until it killed me. But maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to hide and close myself off for the good of people who have never even heard of me. I’ve decided that I want to be happy, Alexeena. If you can’t accept that, maybe you need to reevaluate yourself this time.” He sighed before running his hand through his hair and taking a deep breath through his nose. “Retiring? For a woman who will only live seventy? Eighty more years, if you are lucky? That’s a blink of an eye Kandomere.” Alexeena said with a slight shake of her head. “Don’t give up your life for something so temporary.” “I’ve gone through three marriages, Alexeena. Even with elves, nothing is permanent. You know as well as I do that Nick will not live as long as you do, either. I’m not here to lecture you. I like him, and I support you being with him. All I ask is for you to do the same for me.” “I…” Alexeena started before sighing and looking over her shoulder toward Violet and Nick, shaking her head slightly before looking at Kandomere. “You’re right. I can’t argue with you when you’re right.” She said before closing her eyes. “I’ve just… I’ve spent so long being mad at you, that all I do is find reasons to be mad at you. That’s not your fault, that’s mine and I.. I’m sorry.” She apologized before opening her eyes again. “She really is quite lovely, and, if she makes your stoic demeanor crumble into a smile every now and again, even better.” “Thank you.” Kandomere said with a sincere smile before reaching out to grab her arm, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her tightly, kissing her on her forehead. “You will always be my baby sister. If we can’t support each other, how the hell else can we expect anyone else to?” He questioned before pulling away and looking down at her. “I want you to apologize to her when she comes back over here.”

Violet was quiet as she threw the stick for Maggie, eventually wading out into the water with Nick by her side, both opting to remain silent for a little while as they took turns throwing the stick. Finally Nick spoke, “I don’t think she meant it like that. Xena is usually very tolerant… and she is the most for desegregation person I have ever met. I think she was just… surprised.” he murmured quietly, passing the stick back and forth between his hands before he threw it back out into the water, looking down at his legs where the water lapped at his thighs. They had waded out quite a ways, though Violet didn’t go any further than that. The water was lapping almost to her hips, she was much shorter than the rest of them and it showed with how deep the water was on her. However, she couldn’t swim to save her life, and she wouldn’t go out any further, “If I knew her, I’m sure I would think the same, Nick.” she said with a twitch of her lips though it didn’t turn into anything more, “But I don’t know her. And It still hurts. Maybe we can talk more once they get out what they need to. Until then… I’ll stay right here with you and your dog.” she said decisively and threw the stick that Maggie brought back to her. “I’m glad you at least have a head on your shoulders. Means we don’t have to worry about Kandomere so much. I know he is a federal agent and all, but sometimes I feel like he is more scatterbrained than a squirrel. You seem to ground him and keep him on track, at least… from what I’ve heard and seen. You were one of the longest lasting interns he had. And…” Nick exhaled and glanced over his shoulder at Alexeena and Kandomere, “I’ve never seen him smile. Not once. But today, I’ve seen him do it more than once. And I have a feeling that is all to do with you. Xena will warm up to you. Try not to worry about it.” Violet glanced up at him and smiled gently as well, nodding her head, “Thanks Nick. I think I needed to hear that.” she whispered, and a big grin came over her face as she turned towards Nick and quickly swept her arm across the surface of the water to douse him in a splash of water. Nick sputtered and spit water to the side, coughing and laughing as he in turn splashed her back and drenched her from head to toe. She had picked up a bikini at the mall while they were there and changed in the car on the way, but her white blouse was soaked through and showed off the purple striped bikini. Violet laughed and shook herself, her red hair plastered to her face and the back of her neck though the bun had managed to hold up, “God.” she chuckled, “Alright. I think we’re even.” she giggled and wiped the water from her face, glancing over her shoulder to see Kandomere and Alexeena hugging it out, and she let out a sigh of relief. It wooshed from her lungs in one big exhale and she nodded to NIck, who followed her back up to the shore, padding across the sand to the blanket, “Looks like you two worked it out a bit.” Nick said gently, grinning devilishly as he advanced towards Alexeena, still dripping wet with his arms extended towards her.

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[bitletsanddrabbles]

Dear Doctor

A series of letters between Thomas Barrow and Richard Clarkson, written while Thomas was at the Stiles’s.  These were written with no aim except to help with a short piece I’ve been wrestling on and off with for over a year now.

Ultimately, they failed, but I’m posting them anyway to keep myself from picking at them and trying to turn them into something.

Fandom: Downton Abbey

Characters: Thomas Barrow, Doctor Clarkson

Relationships: General

September 30, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

As per your request, I am writing to let you know I arrived safely in Driffield and am settling into my new home. While Driffield itself is about the same size as Downton, the house is, needless to say, considerably smaller. It is actually about on par with the Dower house, both in size and population. My employers, Sir Mark and Lady Stiles, are both elderly and inclined to quiet living. I've spoken to the cook, Mrs. Jenkins, and the maid, Elsie, and am not expecting there will be much in the way of entertaining.

On the bright side, I suppose this means there won't be too many people poking into my private affairs. That will make things easier.

I look forward to having a lot of time to read. If you have any recommendations, feel free to share them.

Sincerely,

Thomas Barrow

-

October 5, 1925

Dear Thomas,

It was good to hear from you. Thank you for writing. I am glad to hear that you've arrived safely and that your new circumstances, if not as busy as they could be, should at least allow for plenty of relaxation. Hopefully your new coworkers, while few, will prove lively and make good friends. It is, after all, better to have a few good friends than a lot of bad ones.

I'm afraid I don't have much time for reading, outside of work, so my list of suggested books would be either very short or very dry. I could recommend some very good medical journals, if you like. I don't know how strong your interest in medicine is, now that the war is over.

Sincerely,

Dr. Richard Clarkson

-

October 8, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

Life is settling into a routine, as it does, I suppose. Unfortunately here the routine is a lot of nothing much. I have about a half day's worth of work and an entire day in which to do it. It's funny. I remember back before the war, Bates going on about how I'd like nothing more than a position where I had nothing to do but stand around. I can now say quite firmly that he was wrong. I'm about out of my mind with boredom.

That's not to say I'm about to do anything stupid or drastic. I'm not, I promise. It's just a bit...I suppose frustrating is the word. I had more to do as an underbutler. I had more to do as a footman. It seems that every time I think I'm actually moving forward in life, I'm somehow moving backwards instead.

I've already read through a small stack of books from the library. Admittedly, I'm a fast reader, but at this rate I'm going to have read everything in the house before I've been here a year. At least when I make it back to visit, I'll be able to give Molsley a run for his money.

Needless to say, I would very much appreciate any medical journals you might recommend. No need to waste all of that war training, after all.

Sincerely,

Thomas Barrow

-

October 13, 1925

Dear Thomas,

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out as well as you'd hoped. I can understand how feeling you're headed in the opposite direction of the one you want would be frustrating. I can only suggest that you give it time. You've been there less than a month, after all. You may discover there are local events that add a bit more interest. In the meantime, I am sending a list of recommended medical journals, along with a copy of this March's edition of the British Journal of Surgery. Somehow I received two copies, so there's no need to worry about returning it.

You said that your new house is about the size of the Dower house. I know you're not fond of asking for advice, but have you considered writing to Spratt and asking him what he does in his free time? I understand that Lady Violet has more visitors than your current employers, or she seems to at any rate, but Spratt is still likely to have more free time than Mr. Carson.

You might also ask some of your former coworkers. I met with Miss Baxter yesterday and she mentioned receiving a letter from you. It's good that you're keeping in touch with people here, for your sake and theirs. I'm certain you've been told this, but you have been missed.

If you're ever coming this direction, please let me know. I would enjoy being able to have lunch or tea together.

Sincerely,

Dr. Richard Clarkson

-

October 18, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

Thank you for the reading material. I think I will take out a subscription to the British Journal of Surgery. Found it very interesting. Elsie, the maid, found it interesting that I was interested, so it made for an evening's conversation as well. That was nice. Elsie's a pleasant enough girl, I suppose, although we don't have much in common. Nothing I feel comfortable admitting to, at any rate.

Sir Mark and Lady Stiles were invited up to Sledmere House for the day earlier this week, leaving me with almost an entire day to myself. I took the opportunity to go out to Bridlington for a couple of hours. It's a miserable time of year to visit the sea. It was raining, but the change of scenery was nice. Had lunch at a very nice little tea house. At least I'm earning a butler's salary, so I don't need to worry about treating myself occasionally. I suppose I never worried about it before, but it's the one thing about being in charge of a house that's living up to my expectations.

I wrote and asked Spratt about what I might do in my free time. All he said was “get a hobby”.  I am not writing back and asking what sort of hobby he had in mind. I think Miss Denker mentioned he collects stamps at one point, but that doesn't sound terribly exciting, and I don't trust her word as far as I could throw it anyway. I think I'll stick to reading about the proper way to sew up a wound.

I hope you are well.

Sincerely,

Thomas Barrow

_

October 22, 1925

Dear Thomas,

While stamp collecting is a fine hobby, inarguably, I must confess I have never seen the appeal. I will not, therefore, blame you for passing on the opportunity to start. Reading seems a more enjoyable past time. You might also consider writing. While many people find writing reports and similar paperwork to be tedious, I've always found that it helps clear my mind and settle my thoughts. It seems like the sort of thing that might be well suited to your temperament.

I have not been to the sea for years. I remember loving it when I was a boy. Perhaps when the weather clears up I will find an opportunity to visit. If nothing else, I could stop off in Driffield on my way, if you have time for a visit.

If nothing else, I will need the holiday after this whole hospital merger nightmare. Fortunately things are settling down with the board, but these sorts of procedures are never as neat as they should be. I hope everything continue to go smoothly for you and that Christmas time, at least, has a bit more interest.

Sincerely,

Dr. Richard Clarkson

-

November 19, 1925

Dear Thomas,

It has been nearly a month since my last letter and I've not heard back from you. I would not be overly concerned, except that I bumped into Andrew this morning and he said no one at the house has heard from you either. I hope that you have simply become unexpectedly busy and that all is well. Do write, though, when you have time, and let me know if anything is wrong.

Sincerely,

Dr. Richard Clarkson

-

November 21, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

I'm sorry for the long stretch between letters, truly. I am. I have already written up to the house and assured everyone that I've simply been too busy to write. That is mostly true. The rest, I couldn't tell Baxter. It would worry her too much.

The truth is, I had a bit of a bad spell.

My employers had been talking about visiting relations the first week of November. It was their nephew's birthday, so they were going to be gone for at least three days. I had thought to surprise everyone by visiting Downton, unannounced. I'd have taken a room at the Grantham Arms for a night or two and had plenty of time to see everyone.

Two days before they were scheduled to leave, Lady Stiles started coughing. It was nothing but a bad cold, in the end, but at her age a bad cold can become bronchitis or pneumonia so very easily. There was no question of their making the trip. I hate to say that it wasn't so bad while she was ill, but I was busy. The local doctor had us watching her like a group of hawks (is there an actual term for that? I feel there must be, but I don't know it) and Sir Mark had us waiting on her hand and foot. Elsie was the one providing direct care, of course, but I was still busy.

Once she recovered, I started to feel off. I am still bored here. There's nearly no one to talk to. I think there are cemeteries that are more lively. And having lost that one opportunity to come and visit, particularly with the promise that the Stiles's will be staying home for Christmas, I began to question if I'd ever be able to visit. That's part of the reason I wanted to stay in Yorkshire, after all, so I could still see everyone. Here I'd been gone over a month and hadn't had time to more than write. I understand that a month isn't a very long amount of time, but it suddenly seemed like a year.

I was home sick.

There, I've said it. I don't know when Downton became home or when the other staff became more of a family than the one I grew up with, but there it is. I miss the children. I miss Baxter and Andrew and Mrs. Hughes and Anna. I even miss Mr. Carson going over my work like a Sergent, while Mr. Bates could get away with murder.

I'm lonely.

I was only starting to really pull myself out of it when your letter arrived. I'm sorry to have worried you, again, and thank you for caring. I really do appreciate it. And don't worry, now that my head's cleared a bit, I know I'll make it back to visit at some point.

I wish you the best, always.

Sincerely,

Thomas Barrow

-

November 21, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

Unfortunately the post had gone out before I'd had time to regret that last letter. I hope this one catches up to it.

I'm certain it sounded like I've spent the better part of the past month simply moping. I haven't, I just really haven't had the heart to write is all. I've continued to read. I did take out that subscription to  the British Journal of Surgery and looked into a couple of your other recommendations.

Elsie and I actually went to the pictures together.  We went to see the newest Chaney film. Turns out she likes scary stories. It was well done, although I preferred the book. This played up the horror a bit much for my taste. Left out the mystery and I didn't feel as connected to the characters. It was worth seeing, though, if you have time. It really is amazing how Chaney can do that to his face.

I hope things have been as dry in Downton as they have here. We all nearly froze on Guy Fawkes day, but at least the local events weren't rained out.

Sincerely,

Thomas Barrow

-

November 25, 1925

Dear Thomas,

I've some business in Beverly in the first week of December. I thought, if you had the time, that I might make a long drip of it and come for a brief visit.

I thank you for responding as quickly as you did to my last letter, but I will not pretend that they weren't concerning. Loneliness and homesickness are perfectly natural, of course, but they should not be left un-tempered if possible and there are only so many films released per year. I should like the opportunity to visit anyway. I have been curious what your thoughts on the last Journal were.

Sincerely,

Dr. Richard Clarkson

-

November 28, 1925

Dear Dr. Clarkson,

I can be available between the hours of eleven and one any day of the week, if you can provide one day's notice. I look forward to seeing you.

Sincerely,

Thomas

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was kind of all over the place. And when I say kinda, I mean utterly and completely, lol. So I got to sleep in. I had my alarm set for 1:30, and was kind of up before then but just drifting in and out of sleep and being lazy about it because I could. But when it did go off I got up, finished the physical therapy paperwork I was supposed to fill out, then ate breakfast and walked over there for my first appointment. Filled out some more paperwork, then met with my new PT guy. We talked about how my back has been bugging me and then I got on the table and he started like, testing my flexibility in different muscles (and was like yeah you're really flexible) then poked around different spots and figured out what was bugging me, so then we did some exercises and such and he gave me stuff to do at home. He wants me to come in twice a week, which is more often than I would've liked given how crazy my life is, but I'm willing to do whatever to get this pain under control. So after I left the PT place I debated going to the grocery store, but decided against it because 1) I wasn't supposed to be carrying stuff if I can help it now (and didn't have my cart with me and 2) I wasn't sure if I was out of CO2 cans for my sodastream and if I was I'd need to go to target tomorrow probably and and might as well get groceries then. I did, however, stop at Walgreens to pick up Claritin d, which will play into our story later. Over the past two days I've started getting a cough, really mild at first but worsening over the day today. Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that I had run out of Claritin d at some point and had neglected to replace it (I take one every day to keep my ridiculous environmental allergies under control) and of course it was the verge of spring it would make sense to have symptoms now. So I got that, and decided not to take any because it was around 4 at that point and it was 12 hour non-drowsy, and I didn't want to be up all night. After Walgreens I convinced myself to get a little treat from the ice cream shop in town which I almost never go to despite passing on a daily basis because I always feel bad about calories, but I've been working hard dammit and I deserve some reward. So I got some of their amazing back cherry ice cream in a cone and then went home. I checked my sodastream and I did have another can left, so I decided to make an instacart order instead, and while waiting for that I made Rice Krispie treats because I've been wanting to do that (I want to do from scratch caramels again at some point soon, but that would require a bigger time commitment) and also worked on finishing my opening statement and such. Once my instacart stuff got here I finished up the Rice Krispie treats and then made the Korean beef bowls I haven't made in forever that I've been craving, because they're super easy/fairly healthy (especially because I use ground turkey instead of ground beef)/totally delicious. So I sat down to watch some tv and eat and such, and hopefully keep doing some work. I watched Designated Survivor, which was another excellent episode. They have really been knocking them out of the park lately, this whole season has been totally enthralling, so major kudos to that production team. I watched trial and error, and then Riverdale, and sometime during watching Riverdale I realized I was having a growing problem with upper back pain (very specifically different from the lower back pain I'd dealt with before, this was totally new), chest pain, and a headache. I ended up lying down on my back on the couch with the heating pad under my back and just trying to focus on breathing because I didn't really know what was going on. Eventually I moved to my bed but pretty much did the same thing and eventually looked up some stuff in case I did need to go to the hospital because I just didn't know what was happening and then I made a post that probably freaked some of you out (sorry!) but as I laid there the headache and chest pain started to fade and the back pain kind of faded in and out for a while like in little episodes of a minute or so then like 3 minutes without it, but was lessening too and eventually went away. And then I was coughing again, and suddenly a lightbulb clicked somewhere in my head. 4 whole years ago now, about this time of year, I woke up with a cough out of nowhere and thought it must be allergies. Then the cough progressed into chest pain and that night I had ended up having trouble breathing (not just like catching my breath, like I would cough and then my lungs would make noises) and ended up in the ER and after a big romp around for a few weeks that landed me back in NY to finish the semester when I was already a giant ball of depression and anxiety ready to explode, and somewhere along the way we figured out I had asthmatic bronchitis, and I remembered how that made my chest hurt much like it has been in and out hurting tonight. The back pain I can only think is some odd reaction to PT today, but I hope that doesn't become a habit. The asthmatic bronchitis is just a theory at this point though, my coughing isn't nearly as bad as it had gotten at that point, so I'm crossing my fingers that taking some allergy medicine tonight and a Claritin d in the morning will do the trick because I have a very busy weekend in front of me and can't really afford to be sick. Somewhere along when I was typing this it occurred to me that of course one of the things they use to treat asthmatic bronchitis is an asthma inhaler, and I happen to have one in my bag for pretty much precisely this purpose (because God knows they've never helped any other time) so I took a few puffs of that and hopefully it will help. The whole thing is I'm supposed to serve two services in the nursery tomorrow for the Easter gatherings which are of course a very big deal, and I really don't want to be sick. Thankfully, if it's either allergies or asthmatic bronchitis, neither are contagious so as long as I'm not too miserable I at least (*hopefully*) won't get anyone else sick. I'm just really praying I don't wake up tomorrow too sick to move and have to stay in bed all weekend, because that would majorly suck on a weekend when I actually have a lot of cool stuff planned (and yes, I do define working in the nursery for 3 services as cool stuff). At some point I went over the edits my brother sent me for my trial ad stuff, he basically just fleshed out the questions some more and added more details so that's good and I glad I could use him as a resource for that. Hopefully I can get things somewhat memorized, that's the hope anyway, but Tuesday. It won't be perfect, and I'm okay with that, but I want it at least to be pretty solid. So there's that. Tomorrow the plan is to sleep and then go to church basically, and somehow acquire two bottles of wine along the way to bring to the brunch I'm going to on Sunday after church (cuz it's a "turn water into wine" brunch) which should be entertaining being that I know literally nothing about drinking wine, lol. And yeah, that's pretty much everything. I'm really really hoping this cough and chest ache that's definitely related to it goes away and it's not something I have to deal with for the rest of the weekend which would just suck a lot. Okay, that's it for now folks. Catch you tomorrow night, same blog time, same blog channel (I think I'm funny sometimes, just go with it). Goodnight dollfaces. Keep on keeping on.

[judefan837-blog]

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[pckarchives]

beneath the cut , you’ll find a much shorter compilation of odd factoids about these characters. factoids that, as usual, i came up with at 4am. well. some of these things, i’ve known for a while, but some of them are new. 

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟏.     ›     alicia marie levesque boyd-whitley.

► medical issues ➔ none! even before the doctors got to her, she was a relatively healthy child. at worst, she had some seasonal bronchitis, but that only happened twice. ► knows far too much about ➔ parasites. she had to do a research project on them in her senior year and... yeah, no. fuck that. ► fears death via ➔ experimentation/surgery. no second guesses as to why. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ genuinely none.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟐.     ›     amari rose kent.

► medical issues ➔ also none! she’s never even gotten sick. she can get sick when she’s dead, but as long as she’s alive, people need her to be healthy. ► knows far too much about ➔ natural disasters! tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, you name it, she can spout some odd facts about it. ► fears death via ➔ overdose. because she’s gotten close to overdose a few times, the idea freaks her out. it’s part of why she hasn’t been overly tempted to take any drugs since the separation. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ slimmer than she thinks. yeah, she can do bad things and will do bad things. but... no, she could never truly harm anyone innocent.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟑.     ›     camden wesley layton lahey.

► medical issues ➔ none. if he did have any in his youth, his dad never took him to the hospital to find out. ► knows far too much about ➔ dinosaurs. he wasn’t too interested in them as a kid, but he would talk to isaac about them when they were younger, so that the kid could focus on something other than their messy father. even when camden forgot everything else about his past life, he retained his strangely infinite knowledge about dinosaurs. ► fears death via ➔ explosions. that’s how he died the first time and even if he didn’t remember, it still freaks him out. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ none. he’s too good.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟒.     ›     charles gerard argent.

► medical issues ➔ in a future plot, he’ll lose his hearing. at the time of writing, he’s physically healthy. ► knows far too much about ➔ horror movies. he doesn’t even like horror movies, but he could talk about them for hours. ► fears death via ➔ his own hand. he knows that, in all likeliness, that’s how he’s going to die. but it does freak him out that the one thing he can’t overcome is himself. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ not... as nonexistent as he would like to believe. he could never go full villain, but if someone that he loved needed him to do something awful, then he could.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟓.     ›     cora vienna hale.

► medical issues ➔ none. ever since the darach thing, her immune system is slightly weaker than other werewolves’, but it’s not a huge concern. ► knows far too much about ➔ volcanoes. when she was traveling with deucalion, he would often drop her in a library with a bunch of books on geography and whatnot. and while she could have learned about pangea, she was much more fascinated by mounts kilimanjaro and vesuvius. as any well-adjusted twelve-year-old would be. ► fears death via ➔ sickness. she won’t say that it terrifies her, but it is... a little more obvious than she thinks. she gets the sniffles when winter comes around and starts bundling up. also has a very strong fear of losing her senses again, which has led to more panic attacks than she’ll ever talk about, thank you. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ not at all slim. above anything else, cora hale is a survivor. she doesn’t see “good” and “evil” so much as she sees “living” or “dying.” to be completely honest with you, if deucalion were to show up at her doorstep, she would follow him without a second thought, because she knows that’s where her survival is. she wouldn’t go against the pack, not even for him, but she wouldn’t try to play the good soldier, either. him aside, if you told cora to burn down beacon hills or slightly hurt the pack, she’d set fire to the whole goddamn world, so long as they were safe.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟕.     ›     derek alexander hale.

► medical issues ➔ none. ► knows far too much about ➔ zombie physiology. yes, he is, in fact, a zombie buff. the inaccuracy of zombie movies (looking at you, twd) just... baffles him. if a zombie is canonically decaying, then there is no way that the same zombie will be around in five years. yes, there will be remains, but there is literally no way that bitch will be walking around after all that time. so, by all means, the zombie apocalypse would be much more manageable after about five years. he has had this discussion with his students many times. ► fears death via ➔ fire. this does not need an explanation. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ honestly, virtually none. maybe at one point, there would have been some temptation, but as it is? yeah, no. he couldn’t imagine doing anything remotely evil, then going home and having to face his pack.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟖.     ›     dominic joseph kim.

► medical issues ➔ none. he’s suffered from alcohol poisoning before, but nothing chronic. ► knows far too much about ➔ demonic possession. this is something he’s always been interested in, because hello, demons.  ► fears death via ➔ drowning. there’s an interesting discussion to be had there, about fearing something so inherently tied to oneself, but... yeah. as an athletic swimmer whose master element is water, he’s had many nightmares about drowning. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ absolutely none. he doesn’t even like confrontation, he can’t hurt peoples’ feelings. he can’t be evil.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟗.     ›     elliot james aldridge.

► medical issues ➔ as a human, he had heart defects that, at the time, had not been named. his immune system was a mess and he had awful asthma, so he was always on the brink of death, until he did die. now, he’s a vampire, so he’s chilling. ► knows far too much about ➔ ancient gods and cult rituals. he started doing digging the second kali was resurrected. partially because he didn’t trust her, but mostly because he wanted to be able to provide comfort and insight if rohan ever needed it. ► fears death via ➔ wolf bite. admittedly, this didn’t really concern him until rohan almost died in his arms and he couldn’t save him. it’s not serious enough for him to side-eye any of the pack, but he... is more cautious when it comes to training than he used to be. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ not that “good” or “evil” are actual things, but he’s spent a very long time on the latter end of things, so... yeah, he could be evil. he’s not nearly as bad as he thinks he is, but he could be.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟎.     ›     erica juliet reyes.

► medical issues ➔ before the bite, she had epilepsy. ► knows far too much about ➔ medieval monarchies. knowing derek turned her into a history buff, she hates it here. ► fears death via ➔ you would think seizures, right? no, hunters. she loves allison and danny so much, trusts them both with her life. but if some unknown comes anywhere near her with a weapon, she’s ripping throats out. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ honestly? none. being evil is lame, grow up.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟏.     ›     fiona evelyn porter.

► medical issues ➔ i mean, she’s stupid, but physically healthy. ► knows far too much about ➔ historic epidemics and plagues. did she learn this so that she could better understand what kali and rohan lived through, and thus comfort them and reassure them that no such thing could ever happen again? yes! did she also learn so that she could figure out how to heal any terrifying sicknesses that came their way? also yes! ► fears death via ➔ being buried alive. again, something to be said about fearing your own element, but it is what it is. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ nonexistent, simple and plain.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟐.     ›     hayden louisa romero.

► medical issues ➔ lupus. fae usually have stronger immune systems, because they’re physically weak, but the human part of her doesn’t have the same advantage. she can usually hide any symptoms (i.e. rashes, joint pain, etc.) with glamour, but she really is... very weak. worse off, since her skin and wing removal. that’s partially why she sleeps so much? she can’t sleep nearly as long as other fae, but she also can’t stay awake as long as they can, either. not to get into the lore here, but when fae are nursing, they can go up to a decade without sleep, out of protectiveness for their young, even if that child is adopted. to make up for this time, fae usually sleep for months up to a year when their children are old enough to care for themselves. (which, due to enhanced senses and whatnot, most fair children are pretty independent before their tenth birthday.) so, upon taking in wayne, hayden’s body automatically went into protection mode and she just... didn’t sleep for three years. however, she is also half-human? so she could have maybe went two more years without sleeping before her body shut down completely. and she also can’t sleep as long as other fae, because her body needs human care and nutrients, which is why she only slept for three weeks, rather than the full six months she should have taken. but, as a result of the unpredictable sleep schedule she put her body on, she’s much more prone to sicknesses now. once again, she covers it all up with glamour, but her body hasn’t even healed from the surgeries she underwent.  notably, she would be... much better off with a faction. all fae can live for very long times,  if not forever, because they choose when to stop aging. that, she can still do. however, her biology isn’t as... strong, because she’s on her own. seelie and unseelie fae are eternal factions, because they have (what amounts to) families. hayden’s... on her own. her mother is seelie, even though she’s estranged from the fae world, which is how she can damn near overdose every night and still not miss a beat. but hayden has been officially exiled from that world, so she has to be incredibly careful about what goes into her body and who/what she comes into contact with. that’s part of why she’s so fearful when it comes to touch; you never know what someone else has, and even a passing cold can be detrimental to her. all of that, on top of a pre-existing medical condition? it’s gonna bite her in the ass sooner than later, but she is perfectly happy to pretend otherwise. ► knows far too much about ➔ monster origin. when she found out that fae were real, she wanted to know what else was, so she started reading up on every monster under the bed. she can now tell you exactly what’s real and what isn’t, where each myth comes from, what’s actually harmful and what just wants a hug, etc. ► fears death via ➔ being crushed to death. again... very fragile bones. you know those barbells at the gym? even a bare one is enough to completely crush her chest. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ high-ish. given everything listed above, you can see why her priority is herself. if the cost for living one more year is being considered “evil,” that’s a moral dilemma she’s willing to live with.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟑.     ›     judith wendy mayer.

► medical issues ➔ type one diabetes. she was born with it, discovered it when she was about three. does she do her best to stay healthy and properly fed, etc.? no! but she’s still alive, so take that, diabetis. ► knows far too much about ➔ marine biology! she has no interest in being a marine biologist, but she can babble about underwater animals until she’s blue in the face. even animals that are not so much underwater! i.e. coconut crabs. what the fuck is up with those, my dude. ► fears death via ➔ sugar imbalance. okay, okay, despite how bad she is about checking her sugar, it really does scare her sometimes? because sometimes, she gets very weak or dizzy or she drops, like, ten pounds in three days, and it freaks her out. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ extremely high. this will be explored in future plots, but despite what she believes, her alliance isn’t in good or evil, it’s... whatever it takes to be loved.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟒.     ›     kali kaira laghari.

► medical issues ➔ none. even when she was 100% human, she was insanely healthy. much like amari, she’s never even been sick. aside from, y’know, the plague. ► knows far too much about ➔ dialects and accents. because she’s been reborn in so many different places, she can immediately pick up on those minor twangs and slangs and tell you where a person is from. ► fears death via ➔ much like cora, she fears dying via sickness. when this actually starts happening to her, she’ll put on a brave face. but the only time she ever got sick, she died? so it freaks her out! ► chances of being “evil” ➔ also extremely high. make no mistake, kali is incredibly well-adjusted, given all that she’s been through. but after it all, she’s not quite as pure and morally just as she used to be. convince a girl that she’s a god then tear her apart in every way you can, and see what kind of god she becomes.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟓.     ›     kira fuyuko yukimura.

► medical issues ➔ none. this is honestly a result of hypochondriac parents, rather than kitsune biology or anything like that. she’d sneeze and her parents were on her ass. so now she’s the picture of health, if only because she has no choice. ► knows far too much about ➔ lost civilizations. upon learning that rohan, iliana and elliot were born in places that no longer exist, she grew interested in how much the world had changed? so she’s done a lot of research into worlds that have been lost, particularly so that she can talk to the vampires about their homes and know what they mean. ► fears death via ➔ something that she can’t see coming. and, though she would never say so, wolf bite. yeah, that whole battle of the beast thing... she is not over it. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ none, she’s too inherently good and is genuinely baffled at the thought of ever hurting anyone without reason.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟔.     ›     liam stephen dunbar.

► medical issues ➔ none. his mental issues are hard enough to deal with, thank you, he’ll keep his body in good shape. ► knows far too much about ➔ aerodynamics. once upon a time, he wanted to be an astronaut. his biological dad is one, so. but... yeah, fuck that. ► fears death via ➔ wolfsbane. he has no idea why no one else seems to worry about it ever, but it freaks him the hell out? now, is this a result of being trapped in a well full of the stuff at one point? yes. will he talk about it? no. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ nonexistent. he can be mean. he can be brutal. but he could never be evil.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟕.     ›     lydia charlene martin.

► medical issues ➔ none. honestly, if she ever had a take a sick day, she’s not sure beacon hills would survive. ► knows far too much about ➔ everything, but in particular, medicine. antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc, and how to make those effective for the supernaturally-inclined. when jackson asked her to reproduce drugs that would work for him, she stayed up all night and day studying how the drugs were made and how she could replicate the effects for him. she figured it out incredibly fast, but she continues researching the subject, so that she can improve the drugs for him and provide any for anyone else who might need medicine but can’t take it. she’s also working on drugs that work as well as penicillin for the argents. ► fears death via ➔ not necessarily death via, but she does have a fear of being stalked. it’s happened to her before and it just terrifies her. she’s incredibly human and she’ll never be argent-strong, so if she’s ever cornered while she’s alone, she could be done for. and that’s a fear that sticks with her, even though she knows she’s almost always safe. anything else, she can live with. she doesn’t fear death. but she does fear being followed and helpless. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ extremely high. but where jude could be evil for love, lydia will be evil in love. you don’t even have to love her back. but if she loves you and the only way to keep you safe is to do awful things? then she’ll do those awful things and her conscience will be clear.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟖.     ›     scott lucas mccall.

► medical issues ➔ before the bite, he had chronic asthma and bronchitis. ► knows far too much about ➔ psychology! he’s always been interested in knowing how brains work, but he grew especially interested after joining the pack. they all have some form of ptsd, and after the night they met elliot and cora was visibly prepared to fight all of them for him, scott started researching it. he wants to be able to understand all of the pack and why they react to things the way that they do, so he got into psych! too late to major in it, but never too late to learn about it. ► fears death via ➔ asphyxiation, honestly. even if he can no longer die of an asthma attack, he still carries around his inhaler, because he is genuinely terrified of being unable to breathe. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ absolutely nonexistent.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟗.     ›     tatum coretta bellfleur.

► medical issues ➔ nothing in particular, but she does have a very weak immune system. winter baby who got sick literally the day after she was born, and her body never fully recovered from it. so now she catches every sniffle that comes around. would pretend otherwise, except amari does not let her get away with it. they always joke that amari never gets sick because tate is always sick. oddly enough, though, tatum can go a week without sleeping and be just fine, while amari gets a headache after one (1) night. ► knows far too much about ➔ classical music composition. despite singing at local bars and the like, she has no interest in music herself, but will hold full discussions with owen and amari over the art of composing a piano piece. ► fears death via ➔ starvation. this... also needs no explanation. she’s seen the depths of poverty, knows what it’s like to go without, and nothing scares her more than that. ► chances of being “evil” ➔ literally could not imagine. she’s a pacifist? doesn’t even hold malicious intent for those who hurt her? that said, tatum is extremely gullible. smart as heck, but so incredibly gullible. if peter hale asked her to work for him but never told her exactly what he was doing, then she would certainly go along with it, because she doesn’t realize what’s happening. but as long as she’s knowledgable of intentions, she balks at the idea of doing anything even slightly morally corrupt. do i bring this up because it might happen one day? ...maybe so. i’m bored and i’m considering it.

[kaeyayanar]

2019-2020 reflection of some sorts

2020 will be soon as I type this. I just want to let out some of my thoughts about the past year, and my goals for the future (independently of a certain year, but preferably most of it in 2020 ofc).

2019 was an interesting year I'd say. It was my first year living on my own, though still quite close to my mom. And we actually grew closer this year, because we weren't annoying each other 24/7 anymore.

I've met my closest friend again after almost a year (yes, you Mel), and even though we couldn't spend that much time, it was a blast nonetheless.

Also I've been at a concert with a friend, who went to one the first time in his life. I swear my neck hurt so bad from headbanging but for real that was so worth it.

I've been at the Pokémon GO Fest, which definitely was one of my dreams (well, like attending a Pokémon event in general). And damn it, it was too hot, but I loved it, though my legs cramped up the whole night afterwards…. That's what you get for mostly not really going outside, and then suddenly walking 16km in a day I guess? (By now it's funny to me actually)

And my cat got pregnant with 3 kittens, which still live with me for now. One's even cuddled up on my leg right now while the other poor babies are hiding because they are scared shitless because of the fireworks.

But after these good parts of the year, I've noticed being more exhausted and not wanting contact with people in general. My phone was used less for texting, but more for just lurking, and scrolling through apps. I lost all interest in the things I loved: gaming, k-pop, etc. but I started watching live streams of some YouTubers.

My birthday was good I guess, as it started when one of the streamers was about to end her stream, so she and the chat congratulated me and 3 others, which was really cool. My birthday party a few days later wasn't that good though, as it ended too emotional as my nephew and his then former side chick (idk how else to call her, like… She wasn't his girlfriend but they acted a lot like it, etc. It's a complicated situation) had a damn needed talk. But so did my friends and I.

I finally came to the conclusion, that I was indeed becoming a hella toxic person with my behavior, which probably is another reason why I currently don't want to talk to others (much), because I just don't want to hurt them in any way. I've also come to the realization that I need to move out of my home town, far away. Because this place makes me mentally sick for real. I noticed that during my latest attempt to lose weight: here at home, I lost weight very slowly and gained it again basically the next day, while when I visited the place I'll be moving to for a weekend, I lost 3kg at once, but I didn't move more than before or anything. I ate less than at home, but I wasn't hungry that much because I was relaxed for once again.

So here are the goals I want to archive in the near future:

I want to work on myself, on my personality, to be a better person again. To do this, I'm going to start with being less negative, regarding jokes about myself or my friends, but also in every day situations. I want to learn to see the positive things in bad events, and learn to make the best of it.

After my move I want to finally get treated for my psychological problems, and also other health related stuff, simply because in my town they mostly don't even listen to me, and just tell me to lose weight, for like almost every sickness. Got a pain in my wrist out of the blue without falling on it or anything? Lose weight. Bronchitis? Lose weight. Sleep apnea? Lose weight. (Don't get me wrong, I know my weight can be and probably is the reason for it, but they don't give me any treatment like… Idk the sickness won't be like "Oh they're trying to lose weight, okay, Imma stop it then")

I finally want to get a fucking job. I'm sick of myself not doing anything, and for the time being, I want to prepare for it as much as I can. I want to start learning more about programming, etc, so I can utilize my skills in training.

Also I want to become a more organized person. My apartment is a mess, just like me, and it pisses me off. I even made up a plan so I have a small thing to do every day, but so far I didn't really follow it, except for a few days.

Then, I want to learn to show more gratitude, or emotions in general. Currently I'm really bad at thanking people for things they've done for me, things they've given me, even though I actually am so thankful for every single thing.

And I want to lose weight of course since I'm really at a really unhealthy level, but I think this will thanks to my new knowledge, be quite easy once I moved. I mean, not really easy but definitely easier than here.

Lastly… I want to communicate more again, but while taking more, and regular breaks from my phone, and internet in general. Just going outside for a walk to clear some thoughts, and simply enjoy the nature again like I did a few years ago.

This got longer than expected, and well… It's 2020 now already, it took me longer to write this down than planned.

So…. I don't think anyone will read this, but that's okay, I just wanted to get this out. To everyone, Happy New Year, let's hope 2020 will be a better year, and the 20s a better decade.

[jesseneufeld]

Feeling Happy and Healthy, Medication-Free

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Folks, I have been grateful for every story that has come my way over the years. It’s an incredible privilege being on the receiving end of your reflections and evolutions, and they are why I’ve kept at it all these years—knowing the message and information have made a difference in people’s lives. I appreciate every single one. I’ll add that today’s has inspired me on a new level. It’s a powerful narrative and huge testament to the impact of diet and lifestyle on our mental well-being. Thank you to reader, Megan, for sharing her strength, tenacity and hope with others today. 

Hi everyone. Mark recently requested success stories and work-in-progress stories. I’ve been meaning to write for a while, and took that to be my personal kick in the butt. I am a work-in-progress story. I was waiting until I was a success story, but as you will see even though my journey isn’t complete, I already am a success story. I have found inspiration from other stories, even the work-in-progress and failure stories; it is good to see that imperfections exist, and it is ok to fail. I can only hope to inspire others. Because, my story is one of hope—hope for myself and hope for others like me.

I had a difficult upbringing with a mother who had an undiagnosed and unmedicated mental illness. She tried the best she could to be a mother, but she was overly critical toward me and even competitive with me. I would hide in the outdoors, books and food. Secretly eating a bag of cookies by myself or hiding Halloween candy that I would binge off of when she wasn’t looking. I lived solely off macaroni and cheese for dinner (yes, every night) for about a year and a half in fourth and fifth grade until I suddenly couldn’t stomach the smell anymore (At 40, I still can’t to this day). Friends in middle school and high school thought it was amusing how hyper I would get from sugar and would feed me pixie sticks and other candies on purpose. You would think that I was extremely overweight with these eating habits, but I was active as a child through high school (marching band, track, hiking, cycling) and looked every bit the “normal kid,” albeit an emotionally scarred one; I was happy and bubbly on the exterior but falling apart inside. I was regularly sick with sinus infections or bronchitis. When I hit puberty, my mother’s criticism’s turned to fat shaming me even though I was actually technically underweight. I refused to eat healthy foods as a way to rebel against my mom. I excelled in school and read more books than ever as a way to escape.

I started to exhibit signs of a mood disorder when I was in high school with extreme bouts of depression and some episodes of rage, typically around “that time of the month.” The beginnings of grandiose ideas also manifested, on occasion. The depression was severe enough for me to have suicidal ideations, but no actual attempts. The depressive lows continued into college, but then the highs started to come. I would not be able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and then wake up ready to go at 6 am for days on end. Then I would crash and swing back to extreme lows and want to sleep for hours. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I went to the health fair at school. On a whim I filled out a “how are you feeling questionnaire.” I checked off a few boxes, handed it over and thought nothing of it. I was so used to feeling the mood swings; including extreme depression that I thought that feeling that way was “normal.” The staff at the tent looked over the results and was so concerned that they would not let me leave. They walked me right over to the mental health clinic to get checked out. That fall (2000), I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. Around the same time I also was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid and began thyroid hormone support.

Enter a series of different cocktails of psychiatric medications. My weight yo-yo’d along with all the side effects of the various medications (mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, benzodiazepines). I continued to have all the classic symptoms of Bipolar I, grandiose ideas, paranoia, severe depression, anxiety. I wouldn’t allow myself to have a credit card because I couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t spend the whole thing in a matter of a couple of months. I made one major attempt to take my life by intentionally overdosing on about 40 slow-release lithium tablets (please do not try this; after dialysis I am lucky to be alive and not a vegetable). I was also hospitalized on several occasions for short inpatient psychiatric treatment stays. I didn’t have many friends because I wasn’t stable enough to be a reliable friend. People didn’t know how to behave around me and treated me differently, like someone who needed extra care instead of just like anyone else. I went through various cocktails of medications and found I responded better to the older, but that I was never truly “stable.” I tell this part of my life story not to shock, but to say that there is hope for healing. I want to show how far I have come and how far it is possible for others to go by adopting the Primal Blueprint. Photo: me in 2007 after several years of medication.

I went back and forth with running over the years as a way to lose the weight that the medications put on. Running also became an addiction and a meditation for me; a different way to escape reality. Add in my rescue border collie to run with, and I was in heaven. Running with her was my happy place. It saw me through broken friendships, a divorce and meeting the incredibly supportive and loving husband I have been with for the past 10 years. On the first date I told him my diagnosis, and he said “ok, let’s do this.” My friends told me I was crazy to tell him. I guess they didn’t know my diagnosis…. Photo: happy wedding day. (Me in 2013.)

Without realizing it, running made me sick with more inflammation. I ran six half marathons and one full marathon before quitting due to severe tendonitis in one ankle. At this point I was frustrated. I had been heavily medicated for over 15 years and never really felt well; I felt like I was hiding behind a veil and not letting people see my true self. I started doing research on scholarly articles for how gluten and casein could play a role in exacerbating mood disorders. I decided to eliminate gluten from my diet. Within a week my husband asked where my stomach had gone. I had been so bloated for as long as I could remember that I thought it was normal.

Nursing my ankle back to health and still feeling frustrated, I continued with my research and somehow stumbled on Mark’s Daily Apple in early 2016. AND IT ALL CLICKED. The pieces of the puzzle finally came together. The health and environmental impacts of following the PB made complete sense and I was all in. I was already GF, but I started adopting more of the PB principles. We bought organic grass-fed meats from the local farm, ate organic veggies. I ditched process foods and sugar. I stopped drinking caffeine. I identified that gluten, caffeine and sugar gave me anxiety, and that dairy gave me depression. I eventually also ditched alcohol, which I realized also caused depression and sleep disturbances. I went from brittle nails to being irritated with how often I had to trim them. The extra 25 pounds slowly fell off over the next year and a half. I was on the lowest maintenance doses of my medications ever. My period was normal for the first time in my life ever, regular and with no PMS.

This is me on vacation in St. Croix in 2017 – I’m at my healthiest ever but still medicated.

I was doing kundalini yoga at the time and without realizing the power of the practice, I put myself into a manic state. Despite my pleas not to, I finally agreed with the psychiatrist to go back on Zyprexa. This medication destroyed my gut microbiome I had worked so hard to repair, and I gained 20 pounds back in a matter of two months. Once I was off the Zyprexa, I continued to eat Primally, but not as well as I had been. My psychiatrist is thankfully one who is a bit more progressive than most. He listened to me tell him that I felt like I was pinging back and forth on low doses of mood stabilizers to anti-depressants. He decided to take me off medication and see what happens. After 17 years of psychiatric medications, I took my last dose Thanksgiving of 2017. If that isn’t a success story, then I don’t know what is.

A year and a half later, I am still struggling to lose the weight, and have my periods back to normal. I struggle with sleep on a regular basis. I am working with a naturopath to identify supplements that support the methylation pathway issues we identified, and sleep is slowly normalizing. But I am still off psychiatric medication and my thyroid hormone medication dose has slowly been lowered by a third of what it was two years ago. I have had no paranoia, and no mania. I have not been hospitalized in almost three years. I have had only minor bouts of depression, mostly associated with hormones.

I can’t do the 80/20 rule like most folks can and am much closer to a 100% rule. That works for me, but doesn’t work for everyone. I do not eat gluten, except for maybe one special “treat” while on vacation once or twice a year. I do not eat dairy. I meditate and practice mindfulness and compassion. I do yoga, hike, walk, play with my dogs, and do body weight exercises when I am up for them. I use a kettlebell for my sprints once every week or two. I run a 5k once a month to get my running in but won’t allow myself to do more than that. I have embraced minimalist shoes 100% of the time, if I am not allowed to be barefoot (happy ankles and feet again). I have slowly been reducing my need for glasses for myopia. I began removing environmental toxins from my life years before I discovered the PB. Allergies are less severe and I have much less frequent sinus infections, and, when I get them I recover much quicker. So, while I feel like I am struggling to get back to where I was and feeling really frustrated, I have to remind myself that I already am a success story. My psychiatrist now jokes that I am a boring person for him and has discussed discharging me. He asked what I think precipitated the illness. I really don’t know the answer, but my guess is an unchecked thyroid condition (my antibodies were negative the one time I checked, so I don’t know if I have an autoimmune condition), a really bad diet, emotional trauma as a child and extreme stress. I don’t know the answer, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because I have a way to manage my symptoms.

This is me in the early morning after hiking to the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia NP in 2018. Feeling healthy and happy being medication free! Mark, my husband, my dogs, my family, my friends and I thank you for saving my life. My psychiatrist told me several years ago that of all the people he treats with Bipolar I, only about 25% are able to function in society (complete college and hold a successful and functional place in the career world/society). Statistics indicate that I would have eventually either taken my life or the psychiatric medications would have done it for me. Thank you again for saving my life and giving hope to others. I’ve often been told that I am strong to have been through so much and made it this far. My husband tells me how much he admires that I get up and face the world every day even though all I want to do is curl up with the dogs and a book in bed. He asked if I was scared what people might say if they found my story. It doesn’t matter. I’ve found that people are too quick to dismiss me because of a label. I’m sick of being a label and an outcast. If my story is out there and can help one person, then I feel fulfilled. Because maybe someone else is out there looking for another way, but they can’t find it because someone didn’t speak up to tell them that there might be. I really appreciate you giving me a way to take back control of my life. Thank you for giving me the means to help myself. Hopefully my story can provide help and hope for others.

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[lauramalchowblog]

Feeling Happy and Healthy, Medication-Free

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Folks, I have been grateful for every story that has come my way over the years. It’s an incredible privilege being on the receiving end of your reflections and evolutions, and they are why I’ve kept at it all these years—knowing the message and information have made a difference in people’s lives. I appreciate every single one. I’ll add that today’s has inspired me on a new level. It’s a powerful narrative and huge testament to the impact of diet and lifestyle on our mental well-being. Thank you to reader, Megan, for sharing her strength, tenacity and hope with others today. 

Hi everyone. Mark recently requested success stories and work-in-progress stories. I’ve been meaning to write for a while, and took that to be my personal kick in the butt. I am a work-in-progress story. I was waiting until I was a success story, but as you will see even though my journey isn’t complete, I already am a success story. I have found inspiration from other stories, even the work-in-progress and failure stories; it is good to see that imperfections exist, and it is ok to fail. I can only hope to inspire others. Because, my story is one of hope—hope for myself and hope for others like me.

I had a difficult upbringing with a mother who had an undiagnosed and unmedicated mental illness. She tried the best she could to be a mother, but she was overly critical toward me and even competitive with me. I would hide in the outdoors, books and food. Secretly eating a bag of cookies by myself or hiding Halloween candy that I would binge off of when she wasn’t looking. I lived solely off macaroni and cheese for dinner (yes, every night) for about a year and a half in fourth and fifth grade until I suddenly couldn’t stomach the smell anymore (At 40, I still can’t to this day). Friends in middle school and high school thought it was amusing how hyper I would get from sugar and would feed me pixie sticks and other candies on purpose. You would think that I was extremely overweight with these eating habits, but I was active as a child through high school (marching band, track, hiking, cycling) and looked every bit the “normal kid,” albeit an emotionally scarred one; I was happy and bubbly on the exterior but falling apart inside. I was regularly sick with sinus infections or bronchitis. When I hit puberty, my mother’s criticism’s turned to fat shaming me even though I was actually technically underweight. I refused to eat healthy foods as a way to rebel against my mom. I excelled in school and read more books than ever as a way to escape.

I started to exhibit signs of a mood disorder when I was in high school with extreme bouts of depression and some episodes of rage, typically around “that time of the month.” The beginnings of grandiose ideas also manifested, on occasion. The depression was severe enough for me to have suicidal ideations, but no actual attempts. The depressive lows continued into college, but then the highs started to come. I would not be able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and then wake up ready to go at 6 am for days on end. Then I would crash and swing back to extreme lows and want to sleep for hours. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I went to the health fair at school. On a whim I filled out a “how are you feeling questionnaire.” I checked off a few boxes, handed it over and thought nothing of it. I was so used to feeling the mood swings; including extreme depression that I thought that feeling that way was “normal.” The staff at the tent looked over the results and was so concerned that they would not let me leave. They walked me right over to the mental health clinic to get checked out. That fall (2000), I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. Around the same time I also was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid and began thyroid hormone support.

Enter a series of different cocktails of psychiatric medications. My weight yo-yo’d along with all the side effects of the various medications (mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, benzodiazepines). I continued to have all the classic symptoms of Bipolar I, grandiose ideas, paranoia, severe depression, anxiety. I wouldn’t allow myself to have a credit card because I couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t spend the whole thing in a matter of a couple of months. I made one major attempt to take my life by intentionally overdosing on about 40 slow-release lithium tablets (please do not try this; after dialysis I am lucky to be alive and not a vegetable). I was also hospitalized on several occasions for short inpatient psychiatric treatment stays. I didn’t have many friends because I wasn’t stable enough to be a reliable friend. People didn’t know how to behave around me and treated me differently, like someone who needed extra care instead of just like anyone else. I went through various cocktails of medications and found I responded better to the older, but that I was never truly “stable.” I tell this part of my life story not to shock, but to say that there is hope for healing. I want to show how far I have come and how far it is possible for others to go by adopting the Primal Blueprint. Photo: me in 2007 after several years of medication.

I went back and forth with running over the years as a way to lose the weight that the medications put on. Running also became an addiction and a meditation for me; a different way to escape reality. Add in my rescue border collie to run with, and I was in heaven. Running with her was my happy place. It saw me through broken friendships, a divorce and meeting the incredibly supportive and loving husband I have been with for the past 10 years. On the first date I told him my diagnosis, and he said “ok, let’s do this.” My friends told me I was crazy to tell him. I guess they didn’t know my diagnosis…. Photo: happy wedding day. (Me in 2013.)

Without realizing it, running made me sick with more inflammation. I ran six half marathons and one full marathon before quitting due to severe tendonitis in one ankle. At this point I was frustrated. I had been heavily medicated for over 15 years and never really felt well; I felt like I was hiding behind a veil and not letting people see my true self. I started doing research on scholarly articles for how gluten and casein could play a role in exacerbating mood disorders. I decided to eliminate gluten from my diet. Within a week my husband asked where my stomach had gone. I had been so bloated for as long as I could remember that I thought it was normal.

Nursing my ankle back to health and still feeling frustrated, I continued with my research and somehow stumbled on Mark’s Daily Apple in early 2016. AND IT ALL CLICKED. The pieces of the puzzle finally came together. The health and environmental impacts of following the PB made complete sense and I was all in. I was already GF, but I started adopting more of the PB principles. We bought organic grass-fed meats from the local farm, ate organic veggies. I ditched process foods and sugar. I stopped drinking caffeine. I identified that gluten, caffeine and sugar gave me anxiety, and that dairy gave me depression. I eventually also ditched alcohol, which I realized also caused depression and sleep disturbances. I went from brittle nails to being irritated with how often I had to trim them. The extra 25 pounds slowly fell off over the next year and a half. I was on the lowest maintenance doses of my medications ever. My period was normal for the first time in my life ever, regular and with no PMS.

This is me on vacation in St. Croix in 2017 – I’m at my healthiest ever but still medicated.

I was doing kundalini yoga at the time and without realizing the power of the practice, I put myself into a manic state. Despite my pleas not to, I finally agreed with the psychiatrist to go back on Zyprexa. This medication destroyed my gut microbiome I had worked so hard to repair, and I gained 20 pounds back in a matter of two months. Once I was off the Zyprexa, I continued to eat Primally, but not as well as I had been. My psychiatrist is thankfully one who is a bit more progressive than most. He listened to me tell him that I felt like I was pinging back and forth on low doses of mood stabilizers to anti-depressants. He decided to take me off medication and see what happens. After 17 years of psychiatric medications, I took my last dose Thanksgiving of 2017. If that isn’t a success story, then I don’t know what is.

A year and a half later, I am still struggling to lose the weight, and have my periods back to normal. I struggle with sleep on a regular basis. I am working with a naturopath to identify supplements that support the methylation pathway issues we identified, and sleep is slowly normalizing. But I am still off psychiatric medication and my thyroid hormone medication dose has slowly been lowered by a third of what it was two years ago. I have had no paranoia, and no mania. I have not been hospitalized in almost three years. I have had only minor bouts of depression, mostly associated with hormones.

I can’t do the 80/20 rule like most folks can and am much closer to a 100% rule. That works for me, but doesn’t work for everyone. I do not eat gluten, except for maybe one special “treat” while on vacation once or twice a year. I do not eat dairy. I meditate and practice mindfulness and compassion. I do yoga, hike, walk, play with my dogs, and do body weight exercises when I am up for them. I use a kettlebell for my sprints once every week or two. I run a 5k once a month to get my running in but won’t allow myself to do more than that. I have embraced minimalist shoes 100% of the time, if I am not allowed to be barefoot (happy ankles and feet again). I have slowly been reducing my need for glasses for myopia. I began removing environmental toxins from my life years before I discovered the PB. Allergies are less severe and I have much less frequent sinus infections, and, when I get them I recover much quicker. So, while I feel like I am struggling to get back to where I was and feeling really frustrated, I have to remind myself that I already am a success story. My psychiatrist now jokes that I am a boring person for him and has discussed discharging me. He asked what I think precipitated the illness. I really don’t know the answer, but my guess is an unchecked thyroid condition (my antibodies were negative the one time I checked, so I don’t know if I have an autoimmune condition), a really bad diet, emotional trauma as a child and extreme stress. I don’t know the answer, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because I have a way to manage my symptoms.

This is me in the early morning after hiking to the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia NP in 2018. Feeling healthy and happy being medication free! Mark, my husband, my dogs, my family, my friends and I thank you for saving my life. My psychiatrist told me several years ago that of all the people he treats with Bipolar I, only about 25% are able to function in society (complete college and hold a successful and functional place in the career world/society). Statistics indicate that I would have eventually either taken my life or the psychiatric medications would have done it for me. Thank you again for saving my life and giving hope to others. I’ve often been told that I am strong to have been through so much and made it this far. My husband tells me how much he admires that I get up and face the world every day even though all I want to do is curl up with the dogs and a book in bed. He asked if I was scared what people might say if they found my story. It doesn’t matter. I’ve found that people are too quick to dismiss me because of a label. I’m sick of being a label and an outcast. If my story is out there and can help one person, then I feel fulfilled. Because maybe someone else is out there looking for another way, but they can’t find it because someone didn’t speak up to tell them that there might be. I really appreciate you giving me a way to take back control of my life. Thank you for giving me the means to help myself. Hopefully my story can provide help and hope for others.

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[anneedmonds]

The Carousel of Illness / Bed Friends

Sorry for the radio silence; I’ve been laid up with yet another ailment, this time one of the many unnamed viruses that comes under the “could be flu” umbrella. Oooh, it’s a contentious issue, flu – never say you have flu to someone who has actually had flu. (I have actually had flu in the past, but still enjoy winding up people who get cross about the misuse of the word flu. I mean, there are bigger things to get cross about.)

But where does a head cold end and a flu begin? Or are there a myriad of other cough/cold viruses in between that make you feel as though you’re going to die? And a lonely, sweat-soaked death at that – probably nobody would even notice, because once you have kids you’re basically less important than the dog when it comes to pecking order.

Anyway, I’d only just got over the cold/sore throat/headache/cystitis onslaught when Mr AMR went and got bronchitis, Ted got an ear infection and – like the cherry on the illness cake – I got some horrendous cough and a headache that would fell a moose. I’m limping about because my whole body aches and I have one of my eyes shut because it hurts so much – I’m like a consumptive pirate.

And, quite honestly, I’d have thought that it would be quite the boon to have a few days in bed – to reset, to reboost, to re- whatever it is that you have to do to correct three and a half years of exhaustion, but it’s no fun being in bed when you are, in fact, properly ill. It’s uncomfortable (I almost have bed sores), it’s frustrating (I have so much to do, so much) and it makes me feel guilty because I can hear my little imps running about and singing (badly) to the Moana soundtrack and generally being edible.

It’s also put the frighteners on me – both adults being ill at once. You can start to see why people choose to stay close to their families! Although I’ve never lived close to mine, we’re pretty spread out, being poorly does make you yearn for your parents on your doorstep – the sort of life that sees your Mum pop in for tea after the school run, or your siblings piling on over at the weekend for an impromptu movie night. Does that exist? Do many families have that? Or is it the “modern thing” to spread yourselves far and wide? I wonder whether it’ll ever go full circle…

The worst thing about this Carousel of Illness that we seem to be on (pretty sure it’s down to Angelica being at pre-school; she’s turned us into germ magnets) is that I had so much to do this month and I’ve lost about three weeks’ worth of work time. It’s terrible to bring everything back to work, I suppose, but when you’re freelance there’s no support if you’re ill – the work doesn’t get done and you simply don’t get paid. And it isn’t even that. because luckily I’ve managed to stay on top of things, just about, it’s more that every time I have ambitions for greater things (like The Night Feed app, which is to launch in about five weeks’ time), something comes along and fells me.

Although last year it was much more serious, the felling, because my Dad died, but I can’t go into that now because I really don’t have the emotional capacity. I’ve decided to put my grief on ice as a survival tactic. I know that it’s actually a very bad way of dealing with grief, but I feel as though it will absolutely consume me if I let it in. We had such a complicated relationship that I find it hard to disentangle my emotions – it would be a full time job. But now and then I see him in other people – strangers – and it absolutely knocks me for six; a delivery man the other week was so like him that I cried on the spot and had to turn away. So it’s there, the grief, dangerously simmering away beneath the surface. I just have to keep it that way for – how long? When is the right time to confront it? Or is there ever a good time?

For now, please enjoy the many photos of my animals I took the first time I enjoyed a ride on the Carousel of Illness – they decided to bombard me all day every day, bringing me various presents (slippers, used knickers, baby wipes, twigs) and lying on my chest.

On this second ride of the carousel I’ve banned them from the upstairs, mainly because I didn’t want them to try and eat me if I died and nobody noticed. Mr Bear I’d trust to leave me well alone but that dog, he’s a right old gannet.

Ted has been my bed friend this time around, mainly because I haven’t wanted to leave him on his own when his temperature has been going up and down like a yoyo. It’s easier just to have him beside me than keep running up the stairs all night, but now I have to say I am slightly worried as to what I might have started. I didn’t co-sleep with either baby (because I just couldn’t relax enough to get any sleep myself) but Ted seems to be very at home lying on my chest and playing with my hair…

The post The Carousel of Illness / Bed Friends appeared first on A Model Recommends.

The Carousel of Illness / Bed Friends was first posted on February 27, 2019 at 5:47 pm. ©2018 "A Model Recommends". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at contact@amodelrecommends.com The Carousel of Illness / Bed Friends published first on https://medium.com/@SkinAlley

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you cuddled with someone today? Nope.

Can you smell anything right now? My bowl of ramen.

Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No, not as of now anyway.

Do you use the toilet paper with the colourful designs on it? No. It’s toilet paper; the design really isn’t important.

Do you wear your hair up or down most often? My hair is always just up in a messy bun because I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else with it.

How does alcohol affect you? I was a lightweight, so it didn’t take much or long for it to hit. I feel like it made me really chatty and annoying. Then there was typically the crash where I started to feel sad and lonely.

When was the last time you had a cold or flu? I had a cold last year around this time. About 3 years ago I was hit hard with the flu and bronchitis. It messed me up for months.

What was the first thing you ate today? My late night bowl of ramen at 1AM.

Do you have anything more important you should be doing right now? Nah, I want to be doing my nighttime routine. I look forward to it. 

Do you still buy the paper or do you get your news elsewhere? I’ve never bought the newspaper. I get most of my news online or through the news app on my phone, but I catch some of the news on TV here and there. 

Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I’ve never tried it. It doesn’t look or sound appealing to me.

Have you worn make-up today? No. I haven’t worn makeup in over 3 years now.

Do you ever get dizzy and nauseous when you’re extremely tired? Yeah, I’ll sometimes feel a little dizzy.

Have you ever tried lemon brownies? No, but I’d be down to try ‘em.

Can you hear anything right now? The ASMR video I’m listening to and my aunt playing some game on her phone.

What was the last type of meat you ate? Chicken.

What colour is your toothpaste? White.

Have you taken any medication today? Yes.

Have you ever been suspended from school? Nope.

Have you ever inhaled helium? No, I’ve always been too afraid to try.

Have you bought something that was on sale today? I haven’t bought anything today as of yet and I don’t plan to.

Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? I don’t not like him. I mean, I like some movies he’s been in, but I wouldn’t call myself a fan of his.

What was the last fruit you ate? Most likely a banana. I’ll admit it’s been quite awhile since I’ve had any fruit, so I don’t know for sure.

Off the top of your head how many aisles are in the supermarket you shop at? *shrug* It’s Walmart, there’s a ton of aisles. 

Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? I’ve seen some episodes here and there.

Have you watched a movie this week? I watched The Invisible Man the other night with my mom and aunt.

How far away is the closest McDonald’s from your house? Like a 5 minute drive.

Have you ever been to a wedding? Yeah, I’ve been to 3.

What is your favourite kind of pasta? *finishing this the next day* Spaghetti and meatballs.

Have you set an alarm today? I set one to make sure I was up when my brother got off work so I could ask him to get Starbucks on his way home. 

When was the last time you visited relatives? My aunt has been here visiting and staying with us for the past week.

Have you asked someone for advice today? No.

What was the last website you were on, other than this one? One to pay a bill.

Did you ever play Habbo Hotel? Nope. I’ve never even heard of it.

Do you speak any languages other than English? I only know some Spanish.

Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but I’d love to someday.

Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? Yes.

What's your best talent? I don’t have any.

Do you know anyone named Nicole? Nope.

Have you ever had a true FML moment? Uh, I’ve had countless FML moments.

Are you considering having children right now? Absolutely not. I don’t want children.

Do you enjoy the darkness? No.

Are you afraid of being single? I’ve been single for almost 10 years, sooo.

Do you have a new boy-/girlfriend every week? ^^^ Also, I’ve only technically had one boyfriend and there were two guys I was talking to/really interested in that I had something going on with, but never actually dated. So, I really don’t have much dating experience at all.

How much memory does your computer have? *shrug* I don’t feel like checking.

Do you play video games? Sometimes. I was playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons regularly for several months, but then I stopped back in like January. I’ve been wanting to play, but just haven’t for whatever reason.

What color are your eyes? Brown.

Is your hair layered? Not as much anymore since I’ve over a year due for a haircut.

What's the closest yellow thing to you? I have Winnie the Pooh on my socks.

Have you ever shot an animal? Nooo.

Do you exercise daily? I don’t exercise at all.

Can you do cool things with your hair? I’ve never been good at styling my hair and always did basic stuff with it like ponytails and buns. Especially now since I have zero energy or motivation to attempt anything else.

Do you have a couch in your house? Yeah, we have 3.

Would you like to have a soda machine in your room? No. I’d love to have a coffee machine in my room, though.

Are you impatient? Very.

Would you pay someone to drive you around everywhere? No, but it’d be neat to have some go get me food or Starbucks whenever I wanted, ha. I don’t need to go, just need someone to get it for me.

Do you think soap operas are too good to be true? Soap operas are suuuper cringe. 

Are you conscious of your weight? Yes. I’m underweight and don’t like how my body looks.

Have you ever jumped out of a window? No.

What kind of mood are you usually in? Moody mood. 

Do you have a webcam? Yeah, there’s one built into the laptop.

Do you finish other people's sentences? Sometimes.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? Like 5 or 6.

When's your birthday? July 28th.

Do you feel important where you're at right now? I don’t feel like I’m important at all.

Are you short-tempered? I get irritated and frustrated very easily.

Have you ever been homeless? No.

How many online accounts do you have? Countless amount of accounts. I’ve had an online presence since the late 90s, so while there’s a ton of inactive accounts now out there, likely a lot of non-existent ones as well, I’m still counting them.

Do you drive through red lights? I don’t drive, but uh no I would not drive through a red light. I’m not trying to cause an accident or kill/get killed. Please don’t do that.

What sound puts you to sleep? ASMR often helps.

Are you a fast or slow reader? Fast.

Are you a good speller? I think so.

Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Yes.

How long can you go without sleeping? I’ve gone like 36 hours or so before. I couldn’t do that now, though, or anywhere close. 

How long can you go without talking? Somedays most of the day depending on if I’m feeling extra moody and sad, or if I’m really sick. Somedays hours. I never go a full day without talking at all, though. There’s just days where I talk more than others.

Do you currently have a job? Nope.

Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? No. I have my own issues that just involve myself.

Do you collect quarters from every state? No. I remember when I was a kid my parents used to have a quarters map to collect quarters from every state, though. Hm, I wonder what happened to that.

Would you rather sleep all night or sleep all day? My days are mixed up, I sleep all day and stay up all night.

Do you hate getting up early? Well, I’m generally up until like 7AM, sometimes a little later. Once I go to sleep, though, it’s hard for me to get up. That’s why if I have a doctor appointment or something early in the morning then I’ll definitely just stay up until then. Could you see yourself being a bartender? No, I don’t have any interest in that.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No.

Are you currently tired? Always. And as if my sleeping schedule wasn’t already a total mess, it’s been even worse this past week having my aunt here. My schedules and routines have been thrown off and for some reason I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Or staying asleep, rather. I’ll fall asleep and then wake up like every couple hours. Or I’ll get up at an early hour and just end up staying up. So, I’ve been sleeping even less than I was before and yeah I’m definitely feeling it.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Water.

Do you like to take walks? No.

Have you ever had deja vu? Yeah, a few times.

Are you a fan of anime? No.

Do you draw a lot? I don’t draw at all.

Do you plan on going to college? I did and graduated back in 2015.

Do you feel at home in your own home? Yes.

Do you pay for your own cell phone bill? No. I’m on a family plan and thankfully my parents and brother are able to pay for it.

[cristinajourdanqp]

I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Looking back, I have always had thyroid issues though I had no idea what that meant in my teens and twenties. It apparently runs in my family, though with rural Alaska medical care in the 70s, you were lucky to have a doctor available, let alone a dentist. Even as I grew older and moved to the city and then to college in Arizona and life in many other places, I was always just not well. Though I managed to live and work and play fairly normally, I would occasionally have days that I could not get out bed, so I attributed it to depression or other more readily identifiable causes like depression.

I eventually married and went through two pregnancies in my early 30s, fairly normal and with healthy babies. After my second child, my mental and physical health really started going downhill, though it wasn’t really visible other than weight gain and some fairly severe post-partum depression. With the benefit of hindsight and research, what was probably mild Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in my youth turned into full-blown Hashimoto’s after the stress of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and raising two small children.

I was officially diagnosed in 2006 with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis after a therapist I was seeing for depression thought to order some tests. My levels weren’t that high, and I don’t even remember what the endocrinologist said to do about it, just that I had it and it had to do with my thyroid, and that someday my thyroid would fail and I’d be put on medication. He advised eating better and exercising, but with no specific plan. Ok. I just went about my life in the usual way, raising two small kids and easing my way back into the working world while doing all of the usual life things of home maintenance, the kids’ sports and school schedules, marriage, work and other family obligations. The Internet wasn’t that prevalent then, and I just accepted my diagnosis and prognosis and went about my life the best I could.

The years went by and I gained more and more weight. I would “diet” occasionally, have a little bit of success, then fall right off the wagon. I’d tried all of the fad diets, Weight Watchers, etc., and even went sugar-free and even gluten-free a few times in the past with great results, but again, fell off the diet wagon every time. I had been active most of my life with running, college intramural sports, tennis, hiking, long-distance biking, canoeing, camping—nothing ever really stopped me from being active, even being overweight or tired through most of it. I even put myself through almost three P-90X workouts in a row (shoutout to Mark Sisson for his episode – little did I know he’d be so instrumental to my life later….). My weight didn’t budge, though I got some nice muscle under my chub. I thought I was eating fairly well at that time, too, low fat, whole grains—the usual “good diet.” At the beginning of the third cycle of hard-core exercise, plus moving some furniture, I herniated a disc in my back and that put an end to P90X and extreme exercise.

In the meantime, I was getting sicker and I didn’t understand why. I was 50 pounds heavier than my normal pre-pregnancy weight. I was depressed, moody, lethargic, overweight, exhausted, and I always felt like I should just try harder to find the right medication to take care of it, or cut out the fats, or just exercise more. It seemed like each day was a monumental effort to get through, and I know I missed out on a lot of activities with my kids when they were little.

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, but I didn’t know that at the time so I went on multiple and many medications over the years, thinking that nothing was working for me and this is how it was and would be for me forever.

Migraines and headaches. This entailed emergency room visits and even a brain MRI. I went to a neurologist and was put on a migraine medication that ultimately gave me kidney stones, two of which had to be surgically removed. The medication didn’t help at all so I eventually gave up on it and since then, no more kidney stones! An expensive experiment. Now, if I have a gluten exposure—instant migraine and the root cause of them.

GERD, bile disorder and esophagitis. I was put on a medication and at my first out-of-pocket charge of $400 for the med, I decided I’d go with the heartburn instead. I’d had bloating and discomfort for years, and did the usual OTC meds for that. An EGD thankfully showed no celiac disease but did show chronic inflammation.

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

In August 2013, after my last visit to the endocrinologist who had “managed” my Hashimoto’s for seven years, I finally hit the wall with my frustration over not being able to control my own body. I had had my first full-blown panic attack around this time as well. My medical record states the doctor actually thought it “was unlikely patient has significant thyroid disorder.” My TPOAb (Hashimoto’s marker) was 629.5 IU/ml (normal is to just eat right and exercise more and wait until my thyroid failed and then be put on medication. I even begged to be put on Armour NDT or something to just try it, even though my TSH was normal. He refused. I fired him and, at the end of my rope, finally got on the internet where I found the book I felt saved my life, “Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis: Lifestyle Interventions for Finding and Treating the The Root Cause” by Dr. Izabella Wentz, which had just been published. Finally, someone who had suffered like me!

I jumped right in to the Hashimoto’s protocol—which is basically Primal, and though it was a super hard transition off the SAD and meds, I lost 20 pounds in the first 21 days and over the next three months, lost 25 more, and never looked back. I gave up gluten, grains, started eating way more fat and vegetables, minimal fruits, got off all of my medications and resolved almost all of my health problems, in particular the depression—it’s amazing to live without it! Without reading The Primal Blueprint (until a bit later), my diet and lifestyle had evolved to fit the model of ancestral health naturally.

During the initial transition, I had gathered all of my medical records, made a summary of them chronologically, made a spreadsheet of my labs and discovered by myself that while I have always had “normal” TSH levels, I don’t convert T4 into the more usable T3, and my symptoms fit that profile. I found a holistic leaning CNP that agreed with my diagnosis and was willing to prescribe the proper NDT medication to address this and literally 20 minutes after taking the first dose, my anxiety, which had reached panic attack levels, disappeared. I now know that when my anxiety creeps up, it’s time for a thyroid medication adjustment.

I eventually read Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution, which is a great resource for thyroid sufferers and explained a lot of what I was going through. I do still have the occasional Hashimoto’s flare days, when I simply cannot get out of bed, but it’s down to 1-2 times a year—and usually after I’ve let non-Primal foods into my diet. A far cry from being how I lived my life on a daily basis. It took ten years from diagnosis and many endocrinologists, naturopaths, nurses and internists later, but I finally have found an integrative medical doctor who helps me with the right medical care for Hashimoto’s. I was gratified at our first intake appointment that she did not change one thing about my diet which was already Primal! She commented on my robust health and I was never more proud of myself for getting myself from my sickest days to the point of actual robust health!

Today, after my all time high of 213 lbs, I keep my body at a comfortable 165 lbs (I’m 5’5” and age 49). My Hashimoto’s is stable and after initially cutting my levels in half by eating primally, I go a bit up and down and now rely on my physical and mental states to determine how well I’m controlling it through my food plan. I don’t have a CrossFit-type body, but I do have a body that takes me through my days without pain or suffering, as long as I stick to the Primal way. I no longer have depression, anxiety, GERD, acne, my hair grew back, I sleep like a champ and my brain fog is better but not all gone—hey, I’ll be 50 this year, what can I say! My weight, despite four back surgeries for disc herniations, a labral tear repair in my hip, a broken ankle and a shoulder surgery (the osteoarthritis still rears its ugly head), has remained stable at 165 lbs since 2013. Even when I am unable to exercise, I maintain my weight, mood and general good health simply by eating and living Primally. Today, I enjoy riding my bike, walking my dogs, working out at my property mowing grass, hauling logs and brush and doing simple Primal workouts in my basement. I have a goal of someday being super muscle-y but since I feel so much better than I did before, I’m ok with my body now. My clothes always fit and I can live and do what I want to physically, and that’s more than enough for me.

My children are now 19 and 16, growing up and moving on with their lives, and with extra time on my hands I started looking into being a health coach. I’d followed many “diets” related to primally eating—mostly the Hashimoto’s Protocol, the Bulletproof Diet, the Whole30 plan, the Auto Immune Protocol plan and Paleo among others—but truly, the lifestyle I developed and live dovetails totally with the Primal Blueprint—I was living it before I really even knew about it! My heritage is Inuit/Alaskan Eskimo so it makes complete sense now that I live best on fats, meats and vegetables and berries! I know this lifestyle works for me and am excited to share it with others like me, who have suffered needlessly with auto-immune disorders that aren’t treated properly. I know you can take your health into your own hands and live the way nature intended – PRIMALLY! I recently became certified as Primal Health Coach and am living proof that good health can be had with minimal effort and suffering and I’m excited to begin my journey of helping others to robust health!

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