#in my lit classes fighting for my life as people say i find it interesting that [literally just quotes the text]…

[rredboard]

something i love about comics (and this is probably just the beleaguered college student in me) is the fact that like. you have to cite your sources. it is so much more normalized in comics fan culture than anywhere else i’ve been that you provide evidence for your claim. and i for one love it lol im more surprised when there aren’t panels/quotes provided with an analysis

[yesiknowimshort]

looking at the fanon from canon with tim drake

(to the best of my own knowledge; take with a grain of salt; i’m open to discussion and disagreement; we can take this like an english lit class analysis)

this is inspired by discussions with @boredandboredmind about misconstrued info with jason and tim on their own posts about it.

also do not take this as hate to tim fic writers, you’re amazing and you best believe i’m checking the tim x reader tag constantly. i just want to be able to help give you easy access to half-canon-compliant info, and you can choose to take it or leave it.

and especially if you only know tim through online media (which is always valid and i’ll hear no argument!), it can be hard to differentiate between what it is “out of character, completely fanon” behaviour, and what is actually plausible.

RELATIONSHIPS

with his dad

tim’s relationship with his dad is extremely complicated. they both loved each other… but both of his parents had a very different way of showing their love to what tim needed.

for the majority of his life, his mother and father were super neglectful of him and his interests, which of course is how we had nine year old tim drake running around figuring out people’s identities and tryna convince nightwing to go back to batman bc tim said batman wouldn’t cope without a robin, as if he knew them personally.

bruce generally disapproved of tim being left alone while his parents were on business trips, so he looked out for tim a lot during those times.

after the death of tim’s mother, his father was all moody for a bit bc his company had gone to shit… oh and his wife died. anyway he was acting like mr crabs when he loses his money for a while until his physiotherapist dana winters was like “yo get a hold of your life man”. so jack attempted to reconnect with his son… but tim was already deep in the mantle of robin and hanging out with bruce wayne.

tim was a little reluctant at first but after a while he did really appreciate his dad trying to be a dad for once… but it conflicted with the life he had already made for himself.

tim was sneaking out to do hero work, skipping school, coming home in the early hours beat and bruised, being snarky and angsty to his dad, super secretive; basically coming off as a reckless hooligan teenager (even tho he really wasn’t) which made jack incredibly angry at tim a lot of the time, causing them to have a lot of fights.

jack was also super insecure as his position as tim’s dad as he felt inferior to the relationship tim had built with bruce.

so one day while tim was out, jack raided tim’s bedroom (10/10 parenting skills there, well done jack) which dana winters was horrified by and actually sided with tim when tim came home and blew up at his dad -anyway jack found out tim was robin.

he stormed to bruce and was like “fuck you and fuck my son’s role as robin. he’s going to boarding school”.

long story short, tim resumes the mantle of robin and his dad deals with it and they begin to really get along again, like a true father and son… and then his dad is murdered. tim finds him and is distraught, and that’s when we get this classic image of tim and bruce:

(it’s horrible obviously but i love this illustration so much. the way tim’s half in and out of the robin gear, the single eye you can see, the way he’s half collapsed over his father’s body and clinging to bruce for dear life) anyway then tim goes into the care of bruce wayne.

with bruce

lemme start of by saying: tim would only ever use the wayne name for business means as future ceo/controlling shareholder of W.E.

tim will always be a drake.

he quite literally made up a fake uncle so he wouldn’t get adopted by bruce, even though bruce really wanted to adopt him. not only that- he went as far as to forge a new will including this fictional uncle to avoid being bruce’s son

he struggled a lot with bruce’s “affection” after his father’s death since he never saw bruce as a father beforehand, only ever as a mentor. and of course, up until later in his robin career, he wasn’t even an orphan. he still technically wasn’t since dana winters ended up marrying his dad and becoming his step-mum, but she’s basically forgotten sadly.

he also consistently makes a point to make sure people know he made himself robin, and it wasn’t batman’s choice at all.

he appreciates bruce of course, but it’s more on an intellectual and emotional level than anything else. tim came from money (albeit, new money), and even though his parents' company basically died with his father there would’ve been some amount of inheritance money. not to mention without a shadow of a doubt, he would’ve had an account his parents had been saving for him.

living in another manor house and working around international companies and important people, wouldn’t be too different from what his life would’ve become had his parents not died.

tim would appreciate bruce not for the life he gave him, but simply because of bruce being intellectually stimulating for him. remember; tim sees the life he has as the life he made.

he reminds me of damian in the fact that both of them would struggle with dealing with people who bored them, people who couldn’t offer them anything.

anyway bruce = respected equal, bruce ≠ tim’s new dad.

 with jason and damian

boom. all you need to know.

nah but seriously...

jason attacked tim in the tt tower when he came back to life but can you really blame him? he was replaced, and it made sense for him to come after tim since as we know, tim forced himself into the role and did, technically, steal jason’s spot before bruce realistically would’ve replaced him.

but they never held that grudge throughout jason’s reintegration into the family. of course they’d have sibling fights (note that tim doesn’t think of any of his adoptive brothers as real brothers; but jason is closest to), but a little roughhousing is normal. i’m the eldest of 6 brothers and believe me, we fight all the time. literally yesterday one of them and i bit each other while fighting (if you don’t think damian and tim would do that, you’re kidding yourself). but we love each other, and if anything happened we’d jump to each other's defence.

moving onto damian...

the way tim views damian is very telling of tim’s worldview and childhood. when damian arrived, tim demanded that regardless of being batman’s son or not, damian must work to earn the love and respect of bruce, “like everybody else” he had said. clear projection from tim here, since up until dami, tim was the only one who wasn’t “wanted” per se, and also tim’s had to work for people’s affection and attention his entire life. look at his parents; they were the half-arsed “that’s great honey” and then back to their phone call type of people (well we know where tim gets his steadfast work ethic from).

anyway, tim finally had the spotlight on him for a while only to have it turned for some little genetic abnormality.

tim’s suffering from the “been the only/youngest child for too long” phenomenon; they do not believe there is room enough in one's heart for more unconditional love. it’s quite sad if you think about it; he was in his mid-late teens by this point.

tim was quite patronising of damian when they were introduced, but he quickly pulled the “i’m just messing with you” card and did try to fix it, but stubborn-as-tim damian just started to preach his favourite “i’ll inherit everything without even trying” play. this obviously pissed off tim to no end. it seemed damian knew the perfect way to get under his skin, and it was putting tim even more on edge. it made him feel insecure in his place with bruce. for the first time tim didn’t think he was gonna be able to get his way easily.

eventually though, batman assures tim that damian being his biological son doesn’t change anything that he has with tim, and that tim doesn’t have to prove anything to him.

yes, if you look up tim and damian, you can see that damian has done some horrible things to tim and the two have very thin patience for each other, but that’s simply because they both understand the perfect ways to piss each other off. it’s just so easy for the both of them that they can’t help themselves.

i also will say that damian views the relationship as much more “mortal enemies” than tim does, but he is a child several years younger than tim, so it’s natural for him to view it as a bigger deal than tim.

all in all, jason and tim, and tim and damian are simply just brothers, and if you have more than two siblings, i’m sure you know as much as we deny it, everyone had a favourite and a least favourite sibling -it’s natural. for tim, his favourite is jason, and his least just happens to be damian.

just like damian’s favourite is dick, and least favourite happens to also be tim.

with stephanie

(now i don’t know as much about steph as i do for tim so feel free to correct me)

stephanie brown got into the hero scene by being the best little shit i’ve ever heard of and messing up her villain dad’s plans. her dad was cluemaster, a friend of the riddler, and she would literally just show up and spoil their plans in annoying ways (hence her name; spoiler).

she was tim drake’s girlfriend -it’s important to note that she wasn’t robin’s. she had no clue about his double life and broke up with him because she thought he was being unfaithful (fair enough).

when tim’s dad took robin away from him, steph stepped up to the plate with a made up robin costume and (like tim) demanded to be the replacement.

her 71 days in the spotlight as the first female robin ended in a couple different ways (thanks comics for making it hard). bruce dismissed her for his belief that she couldn’t follow orders, but he also didn’t believe that she could live up to tim... ouch. he didn’t even approve of her as his partner until she was killed. oh god here we go again...

i personally don’t acknowledge that she died. just- nope. i always look at it as wrong place, wrong time for steph. she could’ve been a great robin, but tim left massive fucking shoes to fill, and i reckon bruce was looking for any little reason to fire her -disobeying one order to not involve herself in a fight just happened to be the perfect opportunity (according to bruce). not to mention steph (and this isn’t necessarily a wrong thing) was undisciplined in hero-ing.

not to say tim was straight-laced and serious, more that him being at an equal mental level to bruce, and the both of them having built strong trust in each other, gave him a lot more leeway to do what he wanted and have the means to back up his actions.

ORIGINS OF POPULAR FANON

obviously i’ll never know exactly where something came from. this is more my speculation and attempt and supplying the headcanons with canonical evidence or debunking them.

where does “tim is a sickly boi” come from?

his lack of a spleen.

i’m not sure if most people now know that’s the reason why, but that’s gotta be how it started.

without a spleen, our body's other organs like the liver can take over many of the spleen's functions. you'll still be able to cope with most infections but there's a heightened risk that a serious infection will develop quickly, especially from certain bacteria and parasites like malaria.

if he got on antibiotics and rested when he started to feel ill, he’d be fine, but tim would never remember to take antibiotics and gods forbid he let himself rest so... he’s working until his body forces him to take a break.

mimi approved fanon  👍

where does “tim doesn’t care for himself” come from?

he’s a stubborn person. people don’t emphasise this enough. usually, people just use the motivation of depression (which, fair, it could be included in it). however, he will literally do whatever the fuck he wants because he’s tim fucking drake and that's all the excuse he feels he needs. like he is prepared to sacrifice everything *cough cough* himself to see his plan go through.

he’s also stubborn in his need to prove himself as we know. as a self-appointed robin; his mantle had felt fragile to him. not to mention damian made his grand appearance to push tim into that sweet sweet middle child category.

and as we already know, his dad also forcefully took the mantle from him and stopped him from seeing bruce. every time things start to go well for tim... it all seems to go to shit.

this in turn led to the fanon of ‘chronic perfectionism to the point of halting self-care in order to complete x, y z to prove himself’.

he also canonically doesn’t care much for sleep; in teen titans when superboy finds him awake tim just goes “it’s only three, i’m checking my emails”.

mimi approved fanon 👍.

where does “tim’s a coffee addict” come from?

he actually is only ever depicted drinking/buying coffee like 3 times (i don’t know for sure, please correct me if it’s more/less).

it ties in well with the previous point; tim’s coffee addiction is a way to justify how he can still function when he’s on 5 minutes of sleep, battered and bruised and still able to kick arse and be intelligent.

mimi approved fanon 👍

where does “tim have abandonment issues” come from?

his mum dies and he loses how his dad used to be.

he gains a better version of his dad and then his dad acts like an arsehole.

his dad gets better again and then his dad dies.

he had steph and then she left him because he just couldn’t explain who he was.

he gets bruce and then damian shows up.

he gets bruce back and then bruce dies, and nobody believes him when he says he’s alive.

yeah... it makes sense.

would be mimi-approved fanon, but i’ve never like the way i’ve seen it portrayed in fanon.

i see a lot in fics he does the “i’m pushing you away first to protect us both” and i just don’t personally agree with the depiction. call me petty but that’s my thoughts.

where does the perception that tim’s the soft one come from?

no fucking clue honestly.

mans blinded deathstroke’s (/jericho, hard to explain) good eye on purpose while delivering a one liner about fighting blind, and then told the man he just fully blinded that he agreed with deathstroke that he (tim) could be vicious when he had to be.

that one-on-one moment in the teen titans comic is demonstration enough of tim being the opposite of the soft one. none of the robins are soft. if we’re going off who’s the most “sensitive”, then it’d be dick or damian -those two have the shortest fuse.

tim blinded someone by throwing his fucking birdarang at the guy’s one good eye and was sure enough and committed enough to what he planned to do that he had the precision to make sure not to take the eye out completely -only debilitate him. that’s some calculated callousness right there.

he also boasted to the teen titans about lying to batman, after he just lied to starfire about staying put in a fight (and his lie used that ‘goody two shoes’ perception of himself; he’s self-aware of how he can come off)… and then he broke his friends out of the tt tower by cutting glass in the shape of a bat. dudes cocky as.

not to mention he literally stalked batman and ran around solving murders and dropping off the evidence to gordon before even being a robin. he was on the CIA’s watch list for crying out loud.

tim is extremely underestimated. to the point where (as @forcesofnatureunleashed accurately described) this “uwu” version of tim has taken over the fandom and made him out to seem like a mega wimp and a quiet tortured soul.

i’m not dismissing the shit he’s actually gone through, i’m just saying he’s gone through enough that you don’t need to make up that he was berated by his dad, can’t talk about his pain, and relies on his tech, when he’s quiet literally the best martial artist in the family and highly respected by ra’s al ghul.

you don’t just get respected by ra’s al ghul; especially if you were an overly sensitive, shaky-knee-ed, spineless, weakling.

STRONGLY mimi disapproved fanon 👎

[lgbtq-history-museum-cfl-intern]

Teen Lit Boom: Did the 50s Change Everything?

To keep things a little interesting, I want to share a bit about what I’ve been reading this week.

As I’m putting together a timeline from literature I’ve reviewed so far for the exhibit, I stumbled across the topic of teenagers, specifically the social construction of that category, and how that affected literature in the decades following the 1950s.

Before I came across a Smithsonian Magazine article today (Monday, September, 4th), the topic had come up in a random discussion with my husband about my thoughts on another work I was reading for the exhibit’s research.

The gist was that I had just read about a rise in complaints about books in schools in the 1970’s while another piece talked about the rise of Young Adult (YA) literature around the same period. I said something like, “It makes sense that it would be around that time because around the 50s is when modern teenage-hood was normalized.”

By this, I meant things like social hierarchies and milestones that US American culture is familiar with – love, sex, school, social pressures, substance use, and thoughts of rebellion. How that manifested decade to decade is beside the point.

And I should clarify, I made this statement on the assumption that the 50s was a decade of all sorts of socially constructed norms that would define US “American” culture; That the children and teens of these times would go on to write the YA novels that would deeply identify with the real-life challenges experienced by teenagers.

The Smithsonian article sort of confirmed this assumption for me, but here’s what they traced:

The “teenager” demographic arose around “… the late 1930s to early 1940s…” ��after “…first appear[ing] in print in… September 1941…”. And the social as well as consumer class was pretty much solidified throughout the 40s as all sorts of entertainment outlets began to cater to them.

It’s important to note that around the same time, librarians were starting to use the term “young adult”, paving the way for the genre to boom in the 70s.

The author of the article, Michael Cart, points to the fact that there could not be a “young adult” genre were the distinction not made.

So, thinking about what happens in 2-3 decades (40s, 50s, 60s) and the development of the teenage sub-culture, it would make sense that by the 70s there would be writers with enough relatable content and understanding of the evolution of teenage-hood by then to translate it into intimately accurate novel depictions.

Cart argues that YA books before the late 1960s were unrealistic and sanitized, even “formulaic” tales of teenage-hood; That what emerged throughout the 70s was “real”; what opponents would call “obscene”.

Let’s look at two pioneers of the YA genre, before its official emergence as a category, Judy Blume and S.E. Hinton. Cart credits Hinton as being one of the first two authors to initiate the pivot toward more realistic teen experiences with her novel, The Outsiders. She was born in 1948, making her a 60s teen. 10 years before that, Judy Blume, one of the most well-known and contested YA authors, specifically “chic lit.” writers, was a 50s teen, placing them both within that era of constructing modern teenage norms.

Why do I say, “the 50s”? Why did I single out that decade? Because it follows the end of the 2nd World War, marking the return to a sense of normalcy and stability, giving society the chance to find its rhythm. Not that everything had suddenly settled because part of that national identity construction was shaped by the ongoing fight against communism both overseas and domestically.

The push to form an ideal society in the midst of fighting against real and at times imagined communist threats made conformists and rebels of everyone. From this, I believe the modern teenager was born. Instead of worrying about a draft or working to help their family make ends meet, more young people were going to school, molding the teen culture we see replicated in popular culture.

The type of YA novels that started coming out after S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders depicted the at times graphic realities of teenage life in a way that they had not until then. They met readers where they were and didn’t idealize or sugarcoat their experiences.

I think this is because life had changed. Expectations had changed. So, the way to write about it needed to change, too.

If you have another take on this, please feel free to respond to this and teach me something new!

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it 😊

Below is a link to the article I referenced throughout this post:

[princeblack]

it’s so cute watching her fumble for words that he can’t help but smile, enjoying the way she stammers, her face flushed pink. it’s obvious to him why she’s nervous, which only emboldens him. “glad my body is what?” he taunts her, leaning in closer because he likes how shy she is. “nice to look at?” he pauses before continuing. “i don’t mind if you appreciate it.” maybe it’s too forward and blunt, but why shouldn’t he flirt with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, who seems enraptured with him like he is with her? besides, he has a second chance at life apparently, and his first one didn’t last long. he’ll be damned if he dies a virgin a second time; not without a fight.

bee explains about james’s son, which makes his stomach churn a little. it sounds like lord voldemort only grew worse in his absence, hurting even more people. he feels like he could be sick, but even more so when she explains one of sirius’s friends betrayed them. he doesn’t want to push it yet, because he can tell by the look on her face and the shift in her tone that she’s struggling with whatever happened. he frowns, hoping desperately that nothing awful happened to her because of him… because of his failure to make sure voldemort was faced. it hurts to think everything was a waste, but even more so when someone so sweet might have suffered something awful.

he’s not so sure that sirius will be happy to see him but he appreciates her words, and more than anything he’s glad he was met with the sight of something (someone) so beautiful upon just waking up. she seems willing to help, which is more than what a lot of people would do, but she’s genuine about it, too. and she tells him she thinks he’s fascinating, biting down on that lip of hers and making him feel warmer.

it’s difficult even wrapping his head around the fact this is happening and bee exists; in his mind, remus was just nineteen with his entire life ahead of him. it’s strange that all of it is real; that this much time has passed and remus’s daughter is here before him. she asks regulus about remus and emma and she seems so interested that he can’t help the surge of affection towards her, knowing how it feels to desperately need to be closer to a parent. she wants to know about them; get past those walls that parents often put up. regulus knows it’s too late for him and the walls around his parents are impenetrable in their death, but bee has kind and warm parents who probably want to love her the best they can. 

“emma started coming around more because remus was always with sirius… from what i saw, they were inseperable. he was always more reserved, but he lit up when she was with him.” it was hard for anyone not to love emma, but he knew remus loved her more than anyone else. definitely more than amos, at least at the time. “i’m sure if he left her, it was out of some misguided sense of doing what was right by her..” he takes a stab in the dark, from what he knows about remus. “he struggles a lot with being a werewolf, for all sorts of reasons you can imagine.” bee seems smart and like she cares a lot, so he’s sure she knows the pitfalls of the condition already.

it shouldn’t make him feel good that she says he’s cool, but he’s secretly relieved she doesn’t find him too strange. he’s not fool enough to confidently think that someone as beautiful as she is would settle for someone who shared classes with her parents, but he can hope at least. it seems odd to have a crush just upon meeting someone; especially after not feeling this way for anyone before. but he gazes up at her almost lovingly, especially as she suggests she wants to be his favorite. his heart leaps a little, body warm as he wonders if she’s flirting with him. “maybe,” he agrees teasingly. “it helps that you’re pretty and willing to give aid to a random naked stranger in the middle of the woods. i would like to hear your strategy to become my favorite, though.”

she asks if he’s planning on sticking around and he’s a little surprised, glancing over at her. “ask me again after we know your parents are letting me stay… your family’s generosity is already unexpected. i don’t think many people would want a strange seventeen year old who was just dead freeloading in their house… especially when he used to be a death eater.” he hates that part of him and he would do anything to erase it, so saying it out loud is painful, but it’s the truth of who he is. “i would understand if you all hated me.” they don’t even know him and he did awful things; why shouldn’t they?

he hopes she’s right about her parents allowing him to stay, at least until he feels more sane. part of him daydreams about getting to be around this perfect girl longer, but he knows it’s not appropriate for him to think of; at least not in that way.

sitting in her house while she’s disappeared to the other room feels strange, not just because he’s naked under a blanket but because it’s such a warm environment full of life. it’s nothing like the dark corners of 12 grimmauld place, elegant and stuffy. in some ways he loved his home, but this is nothing like it and something about it draws him in like a warm blanket. there’s greenery everywhere, covering the walls and shelves. the kitchen looks like it’s used often, with so many bottled herbs and even a large cast iron cauldron. he sees a cookbook propped against a wall, as if referenced often. it’s nothing like his own home, where kreacher would’ve been scolded for not keeping spotless. it’s charming in a way– as if the house itself is loved, too.

he doesn’t touch her pancakes yet, feeling strange about it and waiting until bee returns to the room. she doesn’t take long, carrying the clothes and placing them beside him on the table. “thank you,” he says a little meekly, feeling a bit bad for the way he’s imposing right now. but he stands up, starting to let the blanket go slack. bee offers to look away and he can tell her cheeks are growing pink, so he smiles. “no… you can look. if you like what you see, you can look.” he appreciates the thought of her perfect blue eyes on him, but only if she wants them to be. he’s not exactly modest, so it doesn’t bother him. if anything he enjoys it, wanting to have an effect on her because she’s gorgeous. so he drops the blanket, looking her in the eyes as he starts to take the clothing. putting the underwear and trousers on first, he moves to the sweater after. the clothes are a little loose, but mostly fit well. luckily no one comes in while he’s getting dressed, so he turns to look at bee when he’s done, quietly gauging her reaction.

"no that's not what I meant, I'm glad your body is....I mean I'm not saying it's bad....I." she stutters a bit, blushing so brightly now that she's glad the gold air makes her face red on its own. she's been struggling not to check him out this whole time and then he has to go and smile at her like that with his big green eyes. it's like he knows he looks good which is kind of dangerous because he already has a hold on her and she's known him for only a moment. she doesn't understand why he's here or why the spell worked but she's almost happy it did, he draws her in and she wants to know more.

he mentions james potter, almost as if he's surprised which in itself surprised her. not many people had a bad thing to say about harry's father, other than snape of course. but then again this school seemed to idolize the worst of them if their headmaster wasn't enough. but harry was a good kid, albeit a bit of a dumb jock type. "he's kind of the chosen one, the boy who lived when he was faced with the dark lord as a child...james and lily potter died protecting him after they were betrayed by a friend...." she drops her gaze. the name peter pettigrew was the one that haunted her. "harry is the one you should talk to it find sirius. he's a good kid, you'd like him."

she notices his tear at the mention of his house elf named kreacher. it surprises her because not many would have such a reaction over an elf but he does, happily telling her his name. "he's very much alive." she smirks softly. "he'll be happy to hear you're back, I'm sure of it." she assures him with a warm smile. "so will sirius." It's sad to hear how the house elf learned certain ideals but it seemed he has regulus too, maybe things will change now that someone so wonderful has returned.

she smiles when he asks how he got lucky, like knowing her is an honor or something and she can't help but giggle. "because you chose to resurrect in the most beautiful forest...and I just so happened to find you." she answers teasingly. "but I'm glad I was...you're fascinating regulus black." she bites down on her lower lip a little, gaze watching him lovingly for a moment.

he laughs at her concern about her mom but she's actually relieved, it would've really sucked if the first guy she liked actually has a weird thing for her mom but from stories she's heard everyone did for emma ainsworth. he does catch her curiosity when he mentions her parents, remus and emma to be exact. no one ever really talked about it with bee, remus wanting to respect a marriage and emma knowing whatever she said would upset amos all she knew was why it ended but she wanted to know what it was like seeing them together for real. "were they really that in love?" she asks softly. "dad seems to get sad whenever I talk about mom...like he feels guilty for leaving her or something and mom doesn't ever care mention his name because it seems to cause tension at home." she's never talked about it out loud. "I always wondered what their relationship would've been like if he didn't leave..." she shakes her head at his words, smiling. "it's not weird, it's kind of cool actually...you're cool."

the small female smiles even more when he agrees with sirius about her looking like remus. their relationship was an odd one, a bit strained for awhile but a good one. she loved him and it almost seems like a honor to take after such a man who seemed to favor many, she tucks her hair behind her ear and blushes as regulus says remus as his favorite and that he finds her perfect even though he doesn't know her all that well. "maybe one day I can take after him against and be one of your favorites?...no pressure." she giggles, kind of feeling her heart flutter as she repeats his words over and over. it had been awhile since she felt like this, she's wondering if she ever felt like this in fact...but since cedric died she felt kind of lost, kind of broken and it felt like it's been a long time since she smiled so big and bright, laughing at every word he said even if it wasn't that funny. she likes him a lot and she's kind of surprised by herself.

he points out that he'll tell her whenever she wants and it makes her blush again, laughing a bit as she drops her gaze. "so does that mean you plan to stick around for a bit?" she asks curiously. she knows he wants to see siruis and figure out his next path but she can't help but wonder if she'll get to be part of that.

"why wouldn't they? you seem to have had a good relationship with them plus I like you so they automatically have to or else they're bad parents...and lately the whole lying to me for fifteen years has them extra willing to give me whatever I want..." she pauses realizing how and that sounds. "not that I take advantage of it but for you I'll be willing to change." she teases gently. in truth she's sure her mom would be fine with it, emma wasn't one to judge sometimes she wonders how her mom does it...never really having any anger in her heart even after her brother died.

she leaves regulus to his devices, standing at the door of her brothers bedroom and feeling herself take a deep breath. it's hard stepping foot into here, always keeping the door closed because she wants it to keep smelling just like him and...because seeing the room just the way cedric left it before starting his fifth year, I touched since other than the messy bed spread when she sat in heee the first few months.

she pushes the door open trying to ignore the heaviness in her chest. it's no about her right now, she doesn't have time to grieve again....there's a boy outside who is going through so much more and all he needs is a warm change of clothes. she goes through his things, pulling out one of his button ups and a sweater the grabbing his sweats as well before returning to regulus who was waiting by a stack of pancakes looking lost. she blinks back her tears before touching his shoulder to catch his attention. "here...they might be a little big but they should do for now." she forgets cedric was like six feet tall. she sets everything down on the table before looking around. "I could look away if you want... probably should hurry before my mom comes in from the garden." she chuckles, trying not to blush.

[mytalemyworld]

Love Like The Galaxy - Cheng Shaoshang & Ling Buyi (Episode 29-30)

LBY: I'm sure you didn't complain about Wang Ling just to stop her from pestering you, right? You were clearly testing His and Her Majesty to feel them out and see how they treat you, that's all. CSS: *brain-is-the-new-sexy*

LBY: Don't put yourself in danger again. CSS: But I also want them to use the chance to know what kind of person I am. I don't like to be in a helpless situation and just follow the crowd. Even if dying during a struggle, I don't want to sit still and be at a loss what to do. LBY: *turned on*

I am sure that they will never have a boring marriage life.

All jokings aside, you can see how similar they are. While they were growing up they had nobody to depend on. The emperor doted on him, true, but he knew people were still looking down on him, also he believes that respect must be earned. So he didn't depend on the emperor and use his favoritism for his sake, he built his strength by himself. So that nobody would dare to belittle him. 

Madam Wenxiu: Who do you think you are? Even your future husband was born of an abandoned madwoman. He may have been raised in the palace. Did he really think he's a prince? Cheng Shaoshang: Zhisheng's accomplishments and glory come from fighting with real weapons on the battlefields himself. It was not because His Majesty favors him. At least he's better than someone who keeps holding on to the late Lord Qian'an's achievements and behaves wantonly at Changqiu Palace.

He could have been like this family who still lives under good conditions granted by somebody else. He could have been like a spoiled useless brat and given those people who mocked him a hard time by using the emperor. But he didn’t. Because both Shaoshang and Buyi find this life form pathetic.

"born of an abandoned madwoman"? Huh, this was too low even for a disgusting woman like her.

Also she doesn't defend him just because he will be her husband, because she seriously goes insane whenever people trash someone she cares about. And it must be interesting for her to see that even your being a person who holds a high position -the empress in this case- doesn't prevent people from bullying you. You have to build your own power which she is very good at.

LBY: When I was a child, I always came here to watch the myriads of twinkling lights dazzling brightly like the stars. At that time, I was shorter than this wall here. So if I want to look at the lights. I had to climb up the wall. At that time, I started longing. Among these bright lights, it would be nice if I could have a bright light that's truly mine. CSS: That's easy. LBY: No, it's not. It's not easy at all.

Consort Chu: Zhisheng also wasn't respected when he first entered the palace. He was in more trouble than you. I remember that he almost died after someone pushed him into river. Luckily, the crown prince rescued him. Did you know what Zhisheng love to do back then? He loved to have meals together with his servants and maidservants. Since young, Zhisheng never had a meal together with his family. When he was young, he would attend the Lantern Festival every year. He would stand under the dimly lit lanterns and observe the full moon and the reunion of other people.

He saw how royals and the other high class people could be harsh on him and since his father made everything harder for him, he had no choice but to work hard. Like Shaoshang. She doesn't like to depend on someone. She says "I want to be in charge of my life." even if she has to bear unpleasant consequences. 

This also explained why he doesn't give a shit about these people, he doesn't respect someone just because they have ranks or some royal blood. 

But the most precious part is yet to come...

LBY: What's the matter? CSS: I want to stand closer so I can see better. LBY: See what? CSS: See the starlight in your eyes. LBY: Then you should stand closer. So you can see better. CSS: To see what better? LBY: Look at the brightest star in my eyes. That's you.

After all these dialogues how everything comes together! This star-brightness symbolism is too much for me to handle. If I start talking about the symbolisation in this scene I'm afraid that I will never stop. She becomes the only hope and beauty which he had been longing for so long. But now it's not far away, it's just with him. This is just so pure and beautiful.

Also who would have thought he can speak like this?

“When I was 15 I once saw the clouds on Mount Kunlun floating between the sky and the mountain peak. It was so pure that it penetrated the depth of my heart, just like how you looked at me when we were at Hua Country. I love how unrestrained you looked when you spoke to me. It always makes me happy. I also love that you don't fear the powerful and the difficulties you face. Remember this, you were the one who started this first. I don't give out my heart easily. However, once I do, I will never turn back.”

Oh God, he is part-time poet, part-time war machine!

[rayshippouuchiha]

Alright! We have Nara Fixation feating Naruto

But can we get Pyromaniac Uchiha feating wind nature Naruto

Like, maybe, age 6 when Sasuke is still learning the Great Fireball and Naruto come tumbling over over flowing with chakra. See what Sasuke is trying to do and is like “wind makes fire bigger! I learned that when I couldn’t get any food from the market. I have to catch and cook my own food. Anyways watch this!”

And makes like nice little breeze and Sasuke’s all like “what is a gust of wind gonna do Dobe? You need something better to use with the Great Fireball! Amaterasu help me!”

Then they fight and make a bet and they try to work together to make a combo move and then they burn down the WHOLE UCHIHA TRAINING GROUND and then it’s all over for Sasuke’s little Uchiha Heart.

Oh oh you’re speaking my language with this shit right here darling.  Because yes, yes this makes perfect sense.  I live for a Naruto who practically breathes chakra and we all know Uchiha are all collectively Like That(TM) so it really would be a match made in pyro-heaven.

And of course I’ll tweak it a bit cause I’m digging this being a post-Massacre thing:

So Sasuke and Naruto know each other in a passing sort of way, of course they do. Sasuke is the second son of the Uchiha Clan head so everyone tends to know who he is.

And as for Naruto?  Well even at their age Naruto is already infamous in the village as a whole as well as with the other kids their age.  Naruto with his bright hair and his ragged clothes and his too loud everything.  Naruto who does nothing but cause chaos and get yelled at in class at the Academy.

Naruto who most of them have been warned to stay well and far away from.

So of course the last thing Sasuke’s expecting when he’s out at the dock is to see Naruto, a bruise blossoming brilliantly across his face and blood rusting one nostril and the corner of his mouth, come tumbling out of the reeds.

On his part Naruto looks equally surprised to see him, blue eyes going wide and entire body locking into place.

Hand raised to his mouth and gathered chakra puffing out his cheeks, Sasuke freezes for a too long moment as they stop and stare at each other.

The ashy cough and wheeze Sasuke gives out when the chakra finally grows unstable in his mouth and throat makes Naruto giggle just a bit.

“Oi, oi, oi,” Naruto finally calls as he pulls himself up out of the reeds and onto the dock, uncaring at how his feet and legs are covered in mud and muck.  “You doing cool jutsu?  What is it?”

Sasuke debates on answering for a long moment. But, well, it’s not like there’s anyone around to get in trouble with for talking to Naruto anymore.

And Naruto’s the only one in class who doesn’t look at him like that.

“Great Fireball,” Sasuke finally answers just as Naruto’s begun to droop just a bit.

“Can you teach me?” Naruto asks, bright eyes wide as they fix on Sasuke’s face.

“No,’ Sasuke tells him, just a bit defensively.  “It’s for Uchiha only.”

“Oh,” Naruto slumps for a split second before he perks back up yet again. “That’s kinda cool, that you got family jutsu.”

The words hover heavy in the air between them, a silent sort of understanding over this terrible thing they both have in common now.

“Can’t do it perfect yet,” Sasuke digs the tip of his sandal into the dock. “Not like Ita-he could when he was my age.”

Because yes Sasuke had trained to do the fireball so he could finally gain Fugaku’s attention but even then it wasn’t as impressive as Itachi’s initiation fireball had been and Sasuke wants to, has to, surpass him.

“You need more wind,” Naruto tells him gravely, arms crossed over his chest as he nods decisively.  “Wind makes the fire real big!  So if you can’t do it yet just add more wind.”

Which makes Sasuke, who ,like all Uchiha, does like the idea of bigger fire, pause for a moment.  Because he knows Naruto’s right in a way.  Wind can cause flames to grow high and stronger, but Sasuke hadn’t expected Naruto of all people to know that.

“Like this, see?” Naruto bounces forward as soon as he realizes Sasuke’s actually interested in what he said.

And Sasuke watches as Naruto puffs up his cheeks, screws his eyes shut, and blows out an actual breeze.

It’s not very large or strong but it’s undeniably a wind current and not just a heavy breath.

And Naruto did it with no hand signs.  Did it through pure concentration alone.

Sasuke’s mind immediately starts to spark.

“Needs to be bigger,” Sasuke finds himself saying.  “Bigger wind for a bigger fireball.”

Naruto deflates just a bit.

“Don’t know any real wind jutsu,” Naruto mumbles, arms moving to hug himself while he stares at the dock.

Which, even if he won’t say it, is actually more impressive to Sasuke.  Because, again, it means Naruto did that through pure will and chakra alone.

“Might have a few scrolls on them somewhere,” Sasuke’s mouth moves on its own.

Beside him Naruto’s eyes go wide with what looks a lot like awe and the beginning of hope.

Sasuke looks away, cheeks burning red, and reminds himself that he’s only doing this so he can see a bigger fire.

~~~

Two weeks later, a bundle of scrolls hunted down and the Great Breakthrough jutsu firmly in Naruto’s arsenal, the two of them head back out to the dock.

~~~

Five minutes later all Sasuke can do is stare in awe as everything around them burns.

When he looks over to the right and sees Naruto back lit by the flames all he can do is throw his head back and laugh.

Because he’s never seen anything so beautiful in his entire life.

Now all Sasuke has to do is hurry up and kill Itachi so he can have this for the rest of forever.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Burn The Witch 3 - Ensnared [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

A.N: Thank you so much for your wonderful support and feedback my loves ! ❤ Here’s the next chapter, I hope you like it as well and please let me know what you think! ❤ Thank you! ❤❤❤

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, fake dating, mentions of blood, sex, violence, death, manipulation, language, guns.

Summary: Things aren’t always what they seem to be.

Series Masterlist

Finding out that the target you had been assigned to seduce and manipulate for information was actually a good person had its advantages and disadvantages.

For starters, the biggest advantage was that now you could prepare a strategy based on his personality. After all, good people were easier to trick, it was the people like you that would’ve given you a hard time if the roles were reversed. You had been taught to approach everyone with suspicion and pinpoint their weak spots to use against them and as it turned out, Bucky didn’t adapt the same strategy when it came to other people.

The disadvantage? You had no idea how to deal with that.

For years and years you had been trained to kill, lie, manipulate and not look back or feel guilty about any of it because you were told that all your targets were the kind of people that would’ve harmed you or others if they had the chance; so Bucky not being evil was surprising at the very least.

The infamous Winter Soldier hadn’t tried to hurt you when he was under attack, hadn’t tried to use you as a leverage to get out of there unlike what you would’ve done if the roles were reversed.

Needless to say, you were confused as hell.

“I mean when you think about it, it’s not surprising that he’s a good guy,” Chloe said, resting her feet on the table in the empty conference room, “Didn’t he fight against Thanos with Steve Rogers and everyone else?”

“I would’ve fought in that war if I could as well, it doesn’t mean that I’m a good person.”

She pouted, “That’s debatable. I think you’re a great person.”

“No I’m not. I swear to you I’m not.”

“Come on, you don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“If it were me, I would’ve pushed him into the line of fire without a second thought.”

“Exactly. We’re terrible people and we acknowledge that, Chloe.” Keith said as you tapped your pencil on the file,

“Back to the first impression strategy, guys. How do I meet Barnes?”

“Hold on, before we continue with the strategy you need to give me an answer about your cover job,” Chloe said, “We can’t have him suspect you’re hiding anything from him. Jobs are a huge part of someone’s life, it’ll come up.”

Keith raised his head, “What are the options?”

“Oh you know, the usual. Sales assistant, retail—“

“The last time you put me in retail for an undercover job, I ended up punching a customer.” he cut her off, “I vote no to the retail.”

“I’m sure they had it coming,” you deadpanned and Chloe hmmed.

“Fast food?”

“No, it makes my hair smell bad.”

“There’s a milkshake shop I can put you in, it doesn’t smell bad. It’s close to the coffee shop he and Wilson get their coffee from.”

“What’s the catch?”

A small grin pulled at her lips, “It’ll be good for the mission.”

You frowned as Keith sat up straighter, curiosity written all over his face. “Chloe? Share your devious plans with the class please?”

“It’s a retro milkshake shop and the uniforms are like….1940s pin up meets 1950s diner waitress.”

Keith started laughing and you stared at Chloe before letting out a groan, burying your face into your palms.

“I hate you so much.”

“Come on, it’s going to be Bucky Barnes’ wet dream, you know that!” Keith said, “On a completely unrelated note, can I see those uniforms?”

“No!” you snatched the phone from Chloe’s hand before Keith could take a look, “No you can’t!”

“I’m so going to take pictures, and when you become a handler I will use them to humble you.”

“I will shoot you if you do that, and can you please focus?” you insisted, “I have a meeting with General soon, and he will ask me about the strategy and I can’t go there with no ideas.”

“Just find something you and Barnes are interested in both, that never failed me,” Keith paused, “Well that, and my good looks.”

Chloe turned to look at him, “I gave her a huge file containing everything there is to know about him,” she said, “It will help her to make him fall in love, but meeting him is something else.”

“Guys,” he rolled his eyes “What are you, fifteen? It’s incredibly easy to meet people.”

“No, it’s incredibly easy to meet civilians,” you corrected him, “Or the bad guys. It’s not like Barnes goes to bars or anything, he’s not very social.”

“Yeah I get that but he has to do something.” he insisted, “Just hand me the file, are you sure you didn’t miss anything?”

“We didn’t—he does the same thing every superhero does,” Chloe threw her hands up, “He saves people if they’re in need, but how are we going to use that?”

You opened your mouth to answer but when the thought struck you, you took a sharp breath, narrowing your eyes. A smile lit up your face, the plan slowly forming in your mind and Keith frowned at you over the file.

“Y/N you’re smiling,” he reminded you, “It’s creepy when you do it genuinely.”

“He does, doesn’t he?” you asked as you turned to Chloe, “You’re right. Superheroes save people, and—and Barnes is not only a superhero, but he’s also a good guy right? He didn’t use me as a leverage while getting out of there, so he cares about people’s wellbeing, so to speak.”

“Yeah?”

You snapped your fingers, “I need to find someone to shoot me.”

“Same, you’re not special.”

Chloe gasped, “Keith!”

“Relax, she’s not serious.”

“No I’m very serious.”

He scowled, “Did you forget what happened when I accidentally shot you on a mission three years ago? It was just one time and you bitched at me for a whole month. You found me when I was working undercover in Brazil to show up at my apartment so that you could complain about it more, I don’t even know how you found my address, it was classified info.”

“I gave her your address.” Chloe held up a hand and Keith heaved a sigh.

“Thank you Brutus.”

“You had it coming,” you pointed out, “But forget about that for a second, okay? I think I just found our strategy. We’re going to use me as a bait.”

“What?”

“That’s how I’ll meet him. We will put me in a dangerous position and he will…” you tried to ignore the bitter taste at the back of your throat, “He will have to save me.”

“I’m sorry,” Chloe said, “He will help you and you will use that to lure him, did I get that right?”

“Exactly,” you grinned, “What better way to manipulate a hero than to give him somebody to save?”

She blinked a couple of times, then turned to Keith.

“Honestly, in times like these I wonder why I’m friends with you guys,” she commented, “Do you have any idea why on earth I’m friends with you?”

He shrugged his shoulders,

“I don’t know,” he said, “Because we’re fun when we’re not diabolical?”

                                           ***

The plan was pretty simple, it would look like a robbery gone wrong. You would be accompanied by one of the lower ranking agents who would pose as a robber so that if he got caught while getting away, it would pose no threat to your cover afterwards, not to mention it couldn’t be traced back to you or the operation.

Of course, you had to make sure that Bucky would stay behind and meet you while Wilson chased the bad guy off. Based on your observations on Wilson, saving people always came first rather than punishing the other person, he put the safety of innocents before anything else, so you had to find a way for them to think Wilson was more suitable for the chase.

Motorcycle. The rookie agent would get away on a motorcycle, which would require Wilson to use his wings to gain speed on him.

But God, you just hated playing the damsel in distress.

“I just want to say I’m honored that you picked me for this mission,” the agent was almost buzzing with excitement in the back alley while you waited until Wilson and Barnes was anywhere within hearing distance. “I heard- I heard so much about you Shrike. Ma’am.”

You leaned your back to the wall, crossing your arms.

“Is it true that you once killed a target using just a pencil?” he asked, “Or that you took down five armed people with a dagger?”

You turned your head to look at him better, amusement making you smile.

“Or- or that you can get information out of someone in just five minutes?” he held his breath, “Or that your father-“

“Don’t talk about my father.” You cut him off, the harsh command leaving your lips almost too fast and you felt the slight guilt pulling at your heartstrings before you shook your head.

“You’re a good shot, right?” you asked, “I don’t want to get the bullet stuck in my arm, you’ll just graze me.”

“I’m a great shot ma’am, top of my class.”

“And you need to make it look believable. Remember, if Wilson catches you—“

“He will take me to the nearest police station, and I will stay there until an agent is sent to pick me up. But do you want me to get caught?”

“Try not to,” you shrugged your shoulders “But if he does, don’t worry about it. He has no reason to believe it’s anything more than some mugging.”

His phone beeped and he checked it, then took a deep breath, “Barnes and Wilson are within hearing distance. Are you ready?”

“Let’s do this,” you said and he grabbed his gun, then pointed it at your arm. You cleared your throat, looking over your shoulder before you turned to him and let out a very high scream, probably enough to reach the people nearby. He pulled the trigger and the gunshot echoed through the alley, a burning spreading all over your arm and making you fall to your knees.

“Are you okay?” he stepped closer to you and you tried to catch your breath.

“Go!” you hissed and he ran to the motorcycle before he rode away and as soon as he was out of your sight, Barnes and Wilson ran to the alley and you started sobbing, holding onto your arm which throbbed in pain.

Good news was he was a good shot, and he had managed to only graze you. But considering that your cover was a civilian, you doubted civilians were used to gunshot wounds, so you had to make it dramatic.

“Ma’am?” Wilson rushed to you with Barnes following him and you tried to breathe through sobs.

“Thank God, please help me—“ you sniffled and looked at the other side of the alley, breathing fast, “He took my wallet, and-and he had a motorcycle…”

“On it. Buck, stay with her.” Wilson said and ran out of the alley as Barnes crouched down to your level while you kept panting, your knees pulled to your chest, leaning back to the wall.

“Hi,” he smiled at you softly and you took a trembling breath, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Hello,” you managed to say as he stole a look at your arm before his eyes snapped back to yours.

“I’m Bucky,” he said, “What’s your name?”

“Y/N.”

“Can I look at your arm, Y/N?”

You pursed your lips together, pretending to consider it before you raised your hand so that he could see the graze on your upper arm. He furrowed his brows for a moment, and carefully lifted your arm to see it better under the street lights while you sniffled again.

“Am I—am I going to die?” you stammered and he let out a small chuckle.

“No,” he said, “No you won’t. It’s just a graze, it doesn’t even look like it’ll need stitches. I promise.”

“But how do you know?”

“Let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of arm injuries.”

You tried to keep the look of confusion on your face before you slowly averted your gaze from him to his metal wrist and you gasped, your jaw dropping as if you were distracted from the pain.

“Bucky? As in Bucky Barnes?” you asked, “Wait, no. Right? Can’t be.”

A look of regret flashed over his face, apparently he thought that would scare you but lucky for you, you had seen it coming while coming up with a strategy.

“I heard about you!” you said, “You fought against Thanos!”

He was taken aback at the fact that you didn’t accuse him of anything his head was obviously swarming with, and that would be the one thing you could base your whole plan on.

In order to make him fall in love with you and trust you, you had to act like you trusted him, act like you had little to no knowledge of the dark side of his past. Naïve civilian girl with a soft heart was the perfect cover because as far as you could tell from his file, Bucky Barnes just wanted to come back home from war.

He had been looking for something he could call his home for decades now and you’d let him believe you were his home until your orders told you otherwise.

“That’s it?” he asked when you didn’t continue and you pulled your brows together.

“Hm?”

“That’s all you…all you wanted to say?”

“Right—” you took a deep breath, “Right, I’m sorry. Thank you for all you’ve done, for saving the world.”

“No no, I didn’t mean—“ he stopped himself, “That wasn’t what I meant. Trust me, you shouldn’t be thanking me.”

“Well I am though,” you winced when you moved your arm before turning your head to check the dark alley “Bucky? Do you… do you think that robber would come back?”

“Sam’s got it covered.” he assured you, “Don’t worry. He’s not getting away, and he’s definitely not coming back here.”

“Okay.” You murmured and wiped at your eye again with the back of your free hand before you clutched at your arm again, a sob tearing itself from your chest. “God, it just—it hurts so bad...”

He shushed you gently, “I know it does sweetheart. Let’s get you to the hospital so that it will stop hurting, alright?”

Ah.

Even by 40s standards, sweetheart was a good sign.

You shook your head, “But I can’t go to the hospital.”

“Why not?”

“I’m on a budget.”

He blinked a couple of times, “Come again?”

“I don’t have enough money for the hospital. I’m sure if I put a band aid on it or something it’d work, you said it wouldn’t need stitches and there’s a pharmacy right around the corner you see—”

“That’s not how bullet wounds work, let’s go.” He helped you up but you stumbled into him, letting him catch you as you looked up at him.

“I apologize, I just feel dizzy…” you said and he smiled softly.

“Don’t worry about it,” his voice was soothing, “You think you can walk? I can carry you.”

“No I can—I can walk,” you stammered and let him lead you out of the alley, his arm wrapped around your waist tight before he looked down at you.

“You’re shaking,” he murmured to himself, then he took off his jacket to put it over your shoulders. You pulled the oversized jacket tighter around you, brushing the sleeve over your forehead to push back your hair and only when he turned to stop a taxi you let a tiny smirk pull at your lips despite the throbbing on your arm.

Well, your superiors were going to be pleased. The first part of the mission was done.

Now all you had to do was make him fall in love with you.

                             Chapter 4

[potteresque-ire]

Can you talk more about the usage of the word "wife" to talk about men in the BL context? I've noticed it in BJYX (particularly with GG), in the (English translations) of MDZS, and then it came up in your recent posts about Danmei-101 (which were super helpful btw) with articles connecting the "little fresh meat" type to fans calling an actor "wife." My initial reaction as a westerner is like "this is very problematic," but I think I'm missing a lot of language/cultural context. Any thoughts?

Hello! First of all, for those who’re interested, here’s a link to the referred posts. Under the cut is arguably the 4th post of the series. As usual, I apologise for the length!

(Topics: seme and uke; more about “leftover women”; roster of feminisation terms; Daji, Bao Si & the origin of BJYX; roster of beautiful, ancient Chinese men; Chairman Mao (not part of the roster) ...)

[TW: feminisation of men]

In the traditional BL characterisation, the M/M (double male) lead pairing is essentially a cis-het relationship in disguise, in which one of the M leads is viewed as the “wife” by the creator and audience. This lead often possesses some of the features of the traditional, stereotypical female, but retaining his male appearance. 

In BL terms, the “wife” is the “uke”. “Seme” and “uke” are the respective roles taken by the two male leads, and designated by the creator of the material. Literally, “seme” (攻め) means the dominant, the attacking / aggressive partner in the relationship and “uke” (受け), the passive / recipient (of actions) partner who tends to follow the seme’s lead. The terms themselves do not have any sexual / gender context.  However, as male and female are viewed as aggressive and passive by their traditional social roles, and the attacker and recipient by their traditional sexual roles respectively, BL fandoms have long assigned uke, the passive, sexual “bottom”, as the “woman”, the “wife”. 

Danmei has kept this “semi” and uke” tradition from BL, taking the kanji of the Japanese terms for designation ~ 攻 (”attack” is therefore the “husband”, and 受 (”receive”), the “wife”. The designations are often specified in the introduction / summary of Danmei works as warning / enticement. For MDZS, for example, MXTX wrote:

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 × 邪魅狂狷風騷 受

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 = noble, coolly beautiful and boring seme (referring to LWJ)  邪魅狂狷風騷 受 = devilishly charming, wild, and flirty uke (referring to WWX) 

The traditional, stereotypical female traits given to the “uke”, the “wife” in Danmei and their associated fanworks range from their personality to behaviour to even biological functions. Those who have read the sex scenes in MDZS may be aware of their lack of mention of lube, while WWX was written as getting (very) wet from fluids from his colon (腸道) ~ implying that his colon, much like a vagina, was supplying the necessarily lubrication for sex. This is obviously biologically inaccurate; however, Danmei is exempt from having to be realistic by its original Tanbi definition. The genre’s primary audience is cishet females, and sex scenes such as this one aren’t aiming for realism. Rather, the primary goal of these sex scenes is to generate fantasy, and the purpose of the biologically female functions in one of the leads (WWX) is to ease the readers into imagining themselves as the one engaging in the sex.

Indeed, these practices of assigning as males and female the M/M sexual top and bottom, of emphasising of who is the top and who is the bottom, have been falling out of favour in Western slash fandoms ~ I joined fandom about 15 years ago, and top and bottom designations in slash pairings (and fights about them) were much more common than it is now.  The generally more open, more progressive environments in which Western fandomers are immersed in probably have something to do with it: they transfer their RL knowledge, their views on biology, on different social into their fandom works and discourses. 

I’d venture to say this: in the English-speaking fandoms, fandom values and mainstream values are converging. “Cancel culture” reflects an attempt to enforce RL values in the fictional worlds in fandom. Fandom culture is slowly, but surely, leaving its subculture status and becoming part of mainstream culture. 

I’d hesitate to call c-Danmei fandoms backward compared to Western slash for this reason. There’s little hope for Danmei to converge with China’s mainstream culture in the short term ~ the necessity of replacing Danmei with Dangai in visual media already reflects that. Danmei is and will likely remain subculture in the foreseeable future, and subcultures, at heart, are protests against the mainstream. Unless China and the West define “mainstream” very similarly (and they don’t), it is difficult to compare the “progressiveness”—and its dark side, the “problematic-ness”—of the protests, which are shaped by what they’re protesting against. The “shaper” in this scenario, the mainstream values and culture, are also far more forceful under China’s authoritarian government than they are in the free(-er) world. 

Danmei, therefore, necessarily takes on a different form in China than BL or slash outside China. As a creative pursuit, it serves to fulfil psychological needs that are reflective of its surrounding culture and sociopolitical environment. The genre’s “problematic” / out of place aspects in the eyes of Western fandoms are therefore, like all other aspects of the genre, tailor-made by its millions of fans to be comforting / cathartic for the unique culture and sociopolitical background it and they find themselves in. 

I briefly detoured to talk about the Chinese government’s campaign to pressure young, educated Chinese women into matrimony and motherhood in the post for this reason, as it is an example of how, despite Western fandoms’ progressiveness, they may be inadequate, distant for c-Danmei fans. Again, this article is a short and a ... morbidly-entertaining read on what has been said about China’s “leftover women” (剩女) — women who are unmarried and over 27-years-old). I talked about it, because “Women should enter marriage and parenthood in their late 20s” may no longer a mainstream value in many Western societies, but where it still is, it exerts a strong influence on how women view romance, and by extension, how they interact with romantic fiction, including Danmei.

In China, this influence is made even stronger by the fact that Chinese tradition  places a strong emphasis on education and holds a conservative attitude towards romance and sex. Dating while studying therefore remains discouraged in many Chinese families. University-educated Chinese women therefore have an extremely short time frame — between graduation (~23 years old) and their 27th birthday — to find “the right one” and get married, before they are labelled as “leftovers” and deemed undesirable. (Saving) face being an important aspect in Chinese culture introduces yet another layer of pressure: traditionally, women who don’t get married by the age agreed by social norms have been viewed as failures of upbringing, in that the unmarried women’s parents not having taught/trained their daughters well. Filial, unmarried women therefore try to get married “on time” just to avoid bringing shame to their family.

The outcome is this: despite the strong women characters we may see in Chinese visual media, many young Chinese women nowadays do not expect themselves to be able to marry for love. Below, I offer a “book jacket summary” of a popular internet novel in China, which shows how the associated despair also affects cis-het fictional romance. Book reviews praise this novel for being “boring”: the man and woman leads are both common working class people, the “you-and-I”’s; the mundaneness of them trying build their careers and their love life is lit by one shining light: he loves her and she loves him. 

Written in her POV, this summary reflects, perhaps, the disquiet felt by many contemporary Chinese women university graduates:

曾經以為，自己這輩子都等不到了—— 世界這麼大，我又走得這麼慢，要是遇不到良人要怎麼辦？早過了「全球三十幾億男人，中國七億男人，天涯何處無芳草」的猖狂歲月，越來越清楚，循規蹈矩的生活中，我們能熟悉進而深交的異性實在太有限了，有限到我都做好了「接受他人的牽線，找個適合的男人慢慢煨熟，再平淡無奇地進入婚姻」的準備，卻在生命意外的拐彎處迎來自己的另一半。

I once thought, my wait will never come to fruition for the rest of my life — the world is so big, I’m so slow in treading it, what if I’ll never meet the one? I’ve long passed the wild days of thinking “3 billion men exist on Earth, 0.7 of which are Chinese. There is plenty more fish in the sea.” I’m seeing, with increasing clarity, that in our disciplined lives, the number of opposite-sex we can get to know, and get to know well, is so limited. It’s so limited that I’m prepared to accept someone’s matchmaking, find a suitable man and slowly, slowly, warm up to him, and then, to enter marriage with without excitement, without wonder. But then, an accidental turn in my life welcomes in my other half.

— Oath of Love (餘生，請多指教) (Yes, this is the novel Gg’d upcoming drama is based on.) 

Heteronormativity is, of course, very real in China. However, that hasn’t exempted Chinese women, even its large cis-het population, from having their freedom to pursue their true love taken away from them. Even for cis-het relationships, being able to marry for love has become a fantasy —a fantasy scorned by the state. Remember this quote from Article O3 in the original post? 

耽改故事大多远离现实，有些年轻受众却将其与生活混为一谈，产生不以结婚和繁衍为目的才是真爱之类的偏颇认知。

Most Dangai stories are far removed from reality; some young audience nonetheless mix them up with real life, develop biased understanding such as “only love that doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations is true love”. 

I didn’t focus on it in the previous posts, in an effort to keep the discussion on topic. But why did the op-ed piece pick this as an example of fantasy-that-shouldn’t-be-mixed-up-with-real-life, in the middle of a discussion about perceived femininity of men that actually has little to do with matrimony and reproduction? 

Because the whole point behind the state’s “leftover women” campaign is precisely to get women to treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations, not beautiful sceneries that happen along the way. And they’re the state’s destination as more children = higher birth rate that leads to higher future productivity. The article is therefore calling out Danmei for challenging this “mainstream value”.

Therefore, while the statement True love doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations may be trite for many of us while it may be a point few, if any, English-speaking fandoms may pay attention to, to the mainstream culture Danmei lives in, to the mainstream values dictated by the state, it is borderline subversive.

As much as Danmei may appear “tame” for its emphasis on beauty and romance, for it to have stood for so long, so firmly against China’s (very) forceful mainstream culture, the genre is also fundamentally rebellious.  Remember: Danmei has little hope of converging with China’s mainstream unless it “sells its soul” and removes its homoerotic elements. 

With rebelliousness, too, comes a bit of tongue-in-cheek.

And so, when c-Danmei fans, most of whom being cishet women who interact with the genre by its traditional BL definition, call one of the leads 老婆 (wife), it can and often take on a different flavour. As said before, it can be less about feminizing the lead than about identifying with the lead. The nickname 老婆 (wife) can be less about being disrespectful and more about humorously expressing an aspiration—the aspiration to have a husband who truly loves them, who they do want to get married and have babies with but out of freedom and not obligation.

Admittedly, I had been confused, and bothered by these “can-be”s myself. Just because there are alternate reasons for the feminisation to happen doesn’t mean the feminisation itself is excusable. But why the feminisation of M/M leads doesn’t sound as awful to me in Chinese as in English? How can calling a self-identified man 老婆 (wife) get away with not sounding being predominantly disrespectful to my ears, when I would’ve frowned at the same thing said in my vicinity in English?

I had an old hypothesis: when I was little, it was common to hear people calling acquaintances in Chinese by their unflattering traits:  “Deaf-Eared Chan” (Mr Chan, who’s deaf), “Fat Old Woman Lan” (Ah-Lan, who’s an overweight woman) etc—and the acquaintances were perfectly at ease with such identifications, even introducing themselves to strangers that way. Comparatively speaking then, 老婆 (wife) is harmless, even endearing. 

老婆, which literally means “old old-lady” (implying wife = the woman one gets old with), first became popularised as a colloquial, casual way of calling “wife” in Hong Kong and its Cantonese dialect, despite the term itself being about 1,500 years old. As older generations of Chinese were usually very shy about talking about their love lives, those who couldn’t help themselves and regularly spoke of their 老婆 tended to be those who loved their wives in my memory. 老婆, as a term, probably became endearing to me that way. 

Maybe this is why the feminisation of M/M leads didn’t sound so bad to me?

This hypothesis was inadequate, however. This custom of identifying people by their (unflattering) traits has been diminishing in Hong Kong and China, for similar reasons it has been considered inappropriate in the West.

Also, 老婆 (wife) is not the only term used for / associated with feminisation. I’ve tried to limit the discussion to Danmei, the fictional genre; now, I’ll jump to its associated RPS genre, and specifically, the YiZhan fandoms. The purpose of this jump: with real people involved, feminisation’s effect is potentially more harmful, more acute. Easier to feel. 

YiZhan fans predominantly entered the fandoms through The Untamed, and they’ve also transferred Danmei’s  “seme”/“uke” customs into YiZhan. There are, therefore, three c-YiZhan fandoms:

博君一肖 (BJYX): seme Dd, uke Gg 戰山為王 (ZSWW): seme Gg, uke Dd 連瑣反應 (LSFY): riba Gg and Dd. Riba = “reversible”, and unlike “seme” and “uke”, is a frequently-used term in the Japanese gay community. 

BJYX is by far the largest of the three, likely due to Gg having played WWX, the “uke” in MDZS / TU. I’ll therefore focus on this fandom, ie. Gg is the “uke”, the “wife”.

For Gg alone, I’ve seen him being also referred to by YiZhan fans as (and this is far from a complete list):

* 姐姐 (sister) * 嫂子 (wife of elder brother; Dd being the elder brother implied) * 妃妃 (based on the very first YiZhan CP name, 太妃糖 Toffee Candy, a portmanteau of sorts from Dd being the 太子 “prince” of his management company and Gg being the prince’s wife, 太子妃. 糖 = “candy”. 太妃 sounds like toffee in English and has been used as the latter’s Chinese translation.) * 美人 (beauty, as in 肖美人 “Beauty Xiao”) * Daji 妲己 (as in 肖妲己, “Daji Xiao”). 

The last one needs historical context, which will also become important for explaining the new hypothesis I have.

Daji was a consort who lived three thousand years ago, whose beauty was blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. Gg (and men sharing similar traits, who are exceptionally rare) has been compared to Daji 妲己 for his alternatively innocent, alternatively seductive beauty ~ the kind of beauty that, in Chinese historical texts and folk lores, lead to the fall of kingdoms when possessed by the king’s beloved woman. This kind of “I-get-to-ruin-her-virginity”, “she’s a slut in MY bedroom” beauty is, of course, a stereotypical fantasy for many (cis-het) men, which included the authors of these historical texts and folklores. However, it also contained some truth: the purity / innocence, the image of a virgin, was required for an ancient woman to be chosen as a consort; the seduction, meanwhile, helped her to become the top consort, and monopolise the attention of kings and emperors who often had hundreds of wives ~ wives who often put each other in danger to eliminate competition. 

Nowadays, women of tremendous beauty are still referred to by the Chinese idiom 傾國傾城, literally, ”falling countries, falling cities”. The beauty is also implied to be natural, expressed in a can’t-help-itself way, perhaps reflecting the fact that the ancient beauties on which this idiom has been used couldn’t possibly have plastic surgeries, and most of them didn’t meet a good end ~ that they had to pay a price for their beauty, and often, with their lowly status as women, as consorts, they didn’t get to choose whether they wanted to pay this price or not. This adjective is considered to be very flattering. Gg’s famous smile from the Thailand Fanmeet has been described, praised as 傾城一笑: “a smile that topples a city”.

I’m explaining Daji and 傾國傾城 because the Chinese idiom 博君一笑 “doing anything to get a smile from you”, from which the ship’s name BJYX 博君一肖  was derived (笑 and 肖 are both pronounced “xiao”), is connected to yet another of such dynasty-falling beauty, Bao Si 褒姒. Like Daji before her, Bao Si was blamed for the end of the Zhou Dynasty in 771 BC. 

The legend went like this: Bao Si was melancholic, and to get her to smile, her king lit warning beacons and got his nobles to rush in from the nearby vassal states with their armies to come and rescue him, despite not being in actual danger. The nobles, in their haste, looked so frantic and dishevelled that Bao Si found it funny and smiled. Longing to see more of the smile of his favourite woman, the king would fool his nobles again and again, until his nobles no longer heeded the warning beacons when an actual rebellion came. 

What the king did has been described as 博紅顏一笑, with 紅顏 (”red/flushed face”) meaning a beautiful woman, referring to Bao Si. Replace 紅顏 with the respectful “you”, 君, we get 博君一笑. If one searches the origin of the phrase 博 [fill_in_the_blank]一笑 online, Bao Si’s story shows up.

The “anything” in ”doing anything to get a smile from you” in 博君一笑, therefore, is not any favour, but something as momentous as giving away one’s own kingdom. c-turtles have remarked, to their amusement and admittedly mine, that “king”, in Chinese, is written as 王, which is Dd’s surname, and very occasionally, they jokingly compare him to the hopeless kings who’d give away everything for their love. Much like 傾國傾城 has become a flattering idiom despite the negative reputations of Daji and Bao Si for their “men-ruining ways”, 博君一笑 has become a flattering phrase, emphasising on the devotion and love rather than the ... stupidity behind the smile-inducing acts. 

(Bao Si’s story, BTW, was a lie made up by historians who also lived later but also thousands of years ago, to absolve the uselessness of the king. Warning beacons didn’t exist at her time.)  

Gg is arguably feminized even in his CP’s name. Gg’s feminisation is everywhere. 

And here comes my confession time ~ I’ve been amused by most of the feminisation terms above. 肖妲己 (”Daji Xiao”) captures my imagination, and I remain quite partial to the CP name BJYX. Somehow, there’s something ... somewhat forgivable when the feminisation is based on Gg’s beauty, especially in the context of the historical Danmei / Dangai setting of MDZS/TU ~ something that, while doesn’t cancel, dampens the “problematic-ness” of the gender mis-identification.

What, exactly, is this something?

Here’s my new hypothesis, and hopefully I’ll manage to explain it well ~

The hypothesis is this: the unisex beauty standard for historical Chinese men and women, which is also breathtakingly similar to the modern beauty standard for Chinese women, makes feminisation in the context of Danmei (especially historical Danmei) flattering, and easier to accept.

What defined beauty in historical Chinese men? If I am to create a classically beautiful Chinese man for my new historical Danmei, how would I describe him based on what I’ve read, my cultural knowledge?

Here’s a list:

* Skin fair and smooth as white jade * Thin, even frail; narrow/slanted shoulders; tall * Dark irises and bright, starry eyes * Not too dense, neat eyebrows that are shaped like swords ~ pointed slightly upwards from the center towards the sides of the face * Depending on the dynasty, nice makeup.

Imagine these traits. How “macho” are they? How much do they fit the ideal Chinese masculine beauty advertised by Chinese government, which looks like below?

Propaganda poster, 1969. The caption says “Defeat Imperialist US! Defeat Social Imperialism!” The book’s name is “Quotations from Mao Zedong”. (Source)

Where did that list of traits I’ve written com from? Fair like jade, frail ... why are they so far from the ... “macho”ness of the men in the poster? 

What has Chinese history said about its beautiful men? 

Wei Jie (衛玠 286-312 BCE), one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men (古代四大美男) recorded in Chinese history famously passed away when fans of his beauty gathered and formed a wall around him, blocking his way. History recorded Wei as being frail with chronic illness, and was only 27 years old when he died. Arguably the first historical account of “crazy fans killing their idol”, this incident left the idiom 看殺衛玠 ~ “Wei Jie being watched to death.” ~ a not very “macho” way to die at all.

潘安 (Pan An; 247-300 BCE), another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, also had hoards of fangirls, who threw fruits and flowers at him whenever he ventured outside. The Chinese idiom 擲果盈車 “thrown fruit filling a cart” was based on Pan and ... his fandom, and denotes such scenarios of men being so beautiful that women openly displayed their affections for them. 

Meanwhile, when Pan went out with his equally beautiful male friend, 夏侯湛 Xiahou Zhan, folks around them called them 連璧 ~ two connected pieces of perfect jade. Chinese Jade is white, smooth, faintly glowing in light, so delicate that it gives the impression of being somewhat transparent.

Aren’t Wei Jie and Pan An reminiscent of modern day Chinese idols, the “effeminate” “Little Fresh Meat”s (小鲜肉) so panned by Article O3? Their stories, BTW, also elucidated the historical reference in LWJ’s description of being jade-like in MDZS, and in WWX and LWJ being thrown pippas along the Gusu river bank. 

Danmei, therefore, didn’t create a trend of androgynous beauty in men as much as it has borrowed the ancient, traditional definition of masculine Chinese beauty ~ the beauty that was more feminine than masculine by modern standards.  

[Perhaps, CPs should be renamed 連璧 (”two connected pieces of perfect jade”) as a reminder of the aesthetics’ historical roots.]

Someone may exclaim now: But. But!! Yet another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, 高長恭 (Gao Changgong, 541-573 BCE), far better known by his title, 蘭陵王 (”the Prince of Lanling”), was a famous general. He had to be “macho”, right?

... As it turns out, not at all. Historical texts have described Gao as “貌柔心壮，音容兼美” (”soft in looks and strong at heart, beautiful face and voice”), “白美類婦人” (”fair and beautiful as a woman”), “貌若婦人” (”face like a woman”). Legends have it that The Prince of Lanling’s beauty was so soft, so lacking in authority that he had to wear a savage mask to get his soldiers to listen to his command (and win) on the battlefield (《樂府雜錄》: 以其顏貌無威，每入陣即著面具，後乃百戰百勝).

This should be emphasised: Gao’s explicitly feminine descriptions were recorded in historical texts as arguments *for* his beauty. Authors of these texts, therefore, didn’t view the feminisation as insult. In fact, they used the feminisation to drive the point home, to convince their readers that men like the Prince of Lanling were truly, absolutely good looking.

Being beautiful like a women was therefore high praise for men in, at least, significant periods in Chinese history ~ periods long and important enough for these records to survive until today. Beauty, and so it goes, had once been largely free of distinctions between the masculine and feminine.

One more example of an image of an ancient Chinese male beauty being similar to its female counterpart, because the history nerd in me finds this fun. 

何晏 (He Yan, ?-249 BCE) lived in the Wei Jin era (between 2nd to 4th century), during which makeup was really en vogue. Known for his beauty, he was also famous for his love of grooming himself. The emperor, convinced that He Yan’s very fair skin was from the powder he was wearing, gave He Yan some very hot foods to eat in the middle of the summer. He Yan began to sweat, had to wipe himself with his sleeves and in the process, revealed to the emperor that his fair beauty was 100% natural ~ his skin glowed even more with the cosmetics removed (《世說新語·容止第十四》: 何平叔美姿儀，面至白。魏明帝疑其傅粉，正夏月，與熱湯餅。既啖，大汗出，以朱衣自拭，色轉皎然). His kick-cosmetics’-ass fairness won him the nickname 傅粉何郎 (”powder-wearing Mr He”).

Not only would He Yan very likely be mistaken as a woman if this scene is transferred to a modern setting, but this scene can very well fit inside a Danmei story of the 21st century and is very, very likely to get axed by the Chinese censorship board for its visualisation. 

[Important observation from this anecdote: the emperor was totally into this trend too.]

The adjectives and phrases used above to describe these beautiful ancient Chinese men ~ 貌柔, 音容兼美, 白美, 美姿儀, 皎然 ~ have all become pretty much reserved for describing beauty in women nowadays. Beauty standards in ancient China were, as mentioned before, had gone through significantly long periods in which they were largely genderless. The character for beauty 美 (also in Danmei, 耽美) used to have little to no gender association. Free of gender associations as well were the names of many flowers. The characters for orchid (蘭) and lotus (蓮), for example, were commonly found in men’s names as late as the Republican era (early 20th century), but are now almost exclusively found in women’s names. Both orchid and lotus have historically been used to indicate 君子 (junzi, roughly, “gentlemen”), which have always been men. MDZS also has an example of a man named after a flower: Jin Ling’s courtesy name, given to him by WWX,  was 如蘭 (”like an orchid”). 

A related question may be this: why does ancient China associate beauty with fairness, with softness, with frailty? Likely, because Confucianist philosophy and customs put a heavy emphasis on scholarship ~ and scholars have mostly consisted of soft-spoken, not muscular, not working-under-the-sun type of men. More importantly, Confucianist scholars also occupied powerful government positions. Being, and looking like a Confucianist scholar was therefore associated with status. Indeed, it’s very difficult to look like jade when one was a farmer or a soldier, for example, who constantly had to toil under the sun, whose skin was constantly being dried and roughened by the elements. Having what are viewed as “macho” beauty traits as in the poster above ~ tanned skin, bulging muscles, bony structures (which also take away the jade’s smoothness) ~ were associated with hard labour, poverty and famine.

Along that line, 手無縛雞之力 (“hands without the strength to restrain a chicken”) has long been a phrase used to describe ancient scholars and students, and without scorn or derision. Love stories of old, which often centred around scholars were, accordingly, largely devoid of the plot lines of husbands physically protecting the wives, performing the equivalent of climbing up castle walls and fighting dragons etc. Instead, the faithful husbands wrote poems, combed their wife’s hair, traced their wife’s eyebrows with cosmetics (畫眉)...all activities that didn’t require much physical strength, and many of which are considered “feminine” nowadays.

Were there periods in Chinese history in which more ... sporty men and women were appreciated? Yes. the Tang dynasty, for example, and the Yuan and Qing dynasties. The Tang dynasty, as a very powerful, very open era in Chinese history, was known for its relations to the West (via the Silk Road). The Yuan and Qing dynasties, meanwhile, were established by Mongolians and Manchus respectively, who, as non-Han people, had not been under the influence of Confucian culture and grew up on horsebacks, rather than in schools.

The idea that beautiful Chinese men should have “macho” attributes was, therefore, largely a consequence of non-Han-Chinese influence, especially after early 20th century. That was when the characters for beauty (美), orchid (蘭), lotus (蓮) etc began their ... feminisation. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which started its reign of the country starting 1949, also has foreign roots, being a derivative of the Soviets, and its portrayal of ideal men has been based on the party’s ideology, painting them as members of the People’s Liberation Army (Chinese army) and its two major proletariat classes, farmers and industrial workers ~ all occupations that are “macho” in their aesthetics, but held at very poor esteem in ancient Chinese societies. All occupations that, to this day, may be hailed as noble by Chinese women, but not really deemed attractive by them.

Beauty, being an instinct, is perhaps much more resistant to propaganda.

If anything, the three terms Article O3 used to describe “effeminate” men ~ 奶油小生 “cream young men” (popularised in 1980s) , 花美男 “flowery beautiful men” (early 2000s), 小鲜肉 “little fresh meat” (coined in 2014 and still popular now) ~ only informs me how incredibly consistent the modern Chinese women’s view of ideal male beauty has been. It’s the same beauty the Chinese Communist Party has called feminine. It’s the same beauty found in Danmei. It’s the same beauty that, when witnessed in men in ancient China, was so revered that historians recorded it for their descendants to remember. It doesn’t mean there aren’t any women who appreciate the "macho” type ~ it’s just that, the appreciation for the non-macho type has never really gone out of fashion, never really changed. The only thing that is really changing is the name of the type, the name’s positive or negative connotations.

(Personally, I’m far more uncomfortable with the name “Little fresh meat” (小鲜肉) than 老婆 (wife). I find it much more insulting.)

Anyway, what I’d like to say is this: feminisation in Danmei ~ a genre that, by definition, is hyper-focused on aesthetics ~ may not be as "problematic” in Chinese as it is in English, because the Chinese tradition didn’t make that much of a differentiation between masculine and feminine beauty. Once again, this isn’t to say such mis-gendering isn’t disrespectful; it’s just that, perhaps, it is less disrespectful because Chinese still retains a cultural memory in which equating a beautiful man to a beautiful woman was the utmost flattery. 

I must put a disclaimer here: I cannot vouch for this being true for the general Chinese population. This is something that is buried deep enough inside me that it took a lot of thought for me to tease out, to articulate. More importantly, while I grow up in a Chinese-speaking environment, I’ve never lived inside China. My history knowledge, while isn’t shabby, hasn’t been filtered through the state education system.

I’d also like to point out as well, along this line of thought, that in *certain* (definitely not all) aspects, Chinese society isn’t as sexist as the West. While historically, China has periods of extreme sexism against women, with the final dynasties of Ming and Qing being examples, I must (reluctantly) acknowledge Chairman Mao for significantly lifting the status of women during his rule. Here’s a famous quote of his from 1955:

婦女能頂半邊天 Women can lift half the skies

The first marriage code, passed in 1950, outlawed forced marriages, polygamy, and ensured equal rights between husband and wife.  For the first time in centuries, women were encouraged to go outside of their homes and work. Men resisted at first, wanting to keep their wives at home; women who did work were judged poorly for their performance and given less than 50% of men’s wage, which further fuelled the men’s resistance. Mao said the above quote after a commune in Guizhou introduced the “same-work-same-wage” system to increase its productivity, and he asked for the same system to to be replicated across the country. (Source)

When Chairman Mao wanted something, it happened. Today, Chinese women’s contribution to the country’s GDP remains among the highest in the world.  They make up more than half of the country’s top-scoring students. They’re the dominant gender in universities, in the ranks of local employees of international corporations in the Shanghai and Beijing central business districts—among the most sought after jobs in the country. While the inequality between men and women in the workplace is no where near wiped out — stories about women having to sleep with higher-ups to climb the career ladder, or even get their PhDs are not unheard of, and the central rulership of the Chinese Communist Party has been famously short of women — the leap in women’s rights has been significant over the past century, perhaps because of how little rights there had been before ~ at the start of the 20th century, most Chinese women from relatively well-to-do families still practised foot-binding, in which their feet were literally crushed during childhood in the name of beauty, of status symbol. They couldn’t even walk properly.

Perhaps, the contemporary Chinese women’s economic contribution makes the sexism they encounter in their lives, from the lack of reproductive rights to the “leftover women” label, even harder to swallow. It makes their fantasies fly to even higher, more defiant heights. The popularity of Dangai right now is pretty much driven by women, as acknowledged by Article O3. Young women, especially, female fans who people have dismissed as “immature”, “crazy”, are responsible for the threat the Chinese government is feeling now by the genre.

This is no small feat. While the Chinese government complains about the “effeminate” men from Danmei / Dangai, its propaganda has been heavily reliant on stars who have risen to popularity to these genres. The film Dd is currently shooting, Chinese Peacekeeping Force (維和部隊), also stars Huang Jingyu (黄景瑜), and Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) ~ the three actors having shot to fame from The Untamed (Dangai), Addicted (Danmei), and Word of Honour (Dangai) respectively.  Zhang, in particular, played the “uke” role in Word of Honour and has also been called 老婆 (wife) by his fans. The quote in Article O3, “Ten years as a tough man known by none; one day as a beauty known by all” was also implicitly referring to him.

Perhaps, the government will eventually realise that millennia-old standards of beauty are difficult to bend, and by extension, what is considered appropriate gender expression of Chinese men and women. 

In the metas I’ve posted, therefore, I’ve hesitated in using terms such as homophobia, sexism, and ageism etc, opting instead to make long-winded explanations that essentially amount to these terms (thank you everyone who’s reading for your patience!). Because while the consequence is similar—certain fraction of the populations are subjected to systemic discrimination, abuse, given less rights, treated as inferior etc—these words, in English, also come with their own context, their own assumptions that may not apply to the situation. It reminds me of what Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina,

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Discrimination in each country, each culture is humiliating, unhappy in its own way. Both sexism and homophobia are rampant in China, but as their roots are different from those of the West, the ways they manifest are different, and so must the paths to their dissolution. I’ve also hesitated on calling out individual behaviours or confronting individuals for this reason. i-Danmei fandoms are where i-fans and c-fans meet, where English-speaking doesn’t guarantee a non-Chinese sociopolitical background (there may be students from China, for example; I’m also ... not entirely Western), and I find it difficult to articulate appropriate, convincing arguments without knowing individual backgrounds.

Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. Because I do hope feminisation will soon fade into extinction, especially in i-Danmei fandoms that, if they continue to prosper on international platforms, may eventually split from c-Danmei fandoms along the cultural (not language) line due to the vast differences in environmental constraints. My hope is especially true when real people are involved, and c-fandoms, I’d like to note, are not unaware of the issues surrounding feminisation ~ it has already been explicitly forbidden in BJYX’s supertopic on Weibo. 

At the same time, I’ve spent so many words above to try to explain why beauty can *sometimes* lurk behind such feminisations. Please allow me to end this post with one example of feminisation that I deeply dislike—and I’ve seen it used by fans on Gg as well—is 綠茶 (”green tea”), from 綠茶婊 (”green tea whore”) that means women who look pure / innocent but are, deep down, promiscuous / lustful. In some ways, its meaning isn’t so different from Daji 妲己, the consort blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. However, to me at least, the flattery in the feminisation is gone, perhaps because of the character “whore” (婊), because the term originated in 2013 from a notorious sex party rather than from a legendary beauty so maligned that The Investiture of the Gods (封神演義), the seminal Chinese fiction written ~2,600 years after Daji’s death, re-imagined her as a malevolent fox spirit (狐狸精) that many still remembers her as today.

Ah, to be caught between two cultures. :)

[remuswriting]

first words; t. kei

Summary: In a world where the first words your soulmate say to you is on your wrist, Y/N manages to get “hello”

Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Male! Reader

Warnings: Intense angst, Hanahaki, slight enemies to lovers, swearing, mentions of fighting, brief mention and vomit (mentioned with Hanahaki).

Word Count: 18,572 words

Notes: This took months to write but it’s finally done.  I hope it’s not entirely over the top and somewhat enjoyable.  This is my longest ficlet I’ve ever made and I literally slept for 14 hours after I finished writing it.  Anyways, would you guys be interested in longer pieces like this or do you prefer shorter things?

Read on ao3 if it glitches on you!

Y/N loved the concept of soulmates.  Seeing the first words they’d say to you on your wrist seemed magical.  Sure, it was weird to get it on your 10th birthday, because what if you had met your soulmate before then?  The h/c haired boy didn’t really care though because soulmates were so cool.  Someone that was to love you for the rest of your life and in return, you loved them back.

His mother had to tell him to calm down because he’d start coming up with all sorts of scenarios of what they could possibly say to each other.  His best friend Hinata Shouyou shared the same enthusiasm over it though, so he supported the excitement his mother didn’t like.

Hinata’s 10th birthday was before Y/N, and the words on his wrist were really strange.

“One day I’m gonna set for you.”

The two spent the ginger’s birthday looking up what that meant, and they learned about volleyball. The ginger didn’t seem as excited about it until he’d see the match on the tv when he was riding his bicycle a year later.

The h/c boy’s birthday finally came around and Hinata had stayed over so they could find out what his soulmate would say together.  When the clock struck midnight, the word appeared and Y/N wondered if he still liked soulmates.

“Hello.”

He looked over at Hinata, who was staring at his wrist in confusion.  It was common to get regular greetings, but that didn’t mean Y/N wanted one. It was fairly silent until his mother opened the door excitedly with a huge grin.  She had been excited about this too, but hearing her child come up with things his soulmate would say was hard to handle at times.

“So, what’s she going to say?” The woman asked, and Y/N slowly showed her his wrist.

“She’s going to say hello.”

Silence fell back over the room.  His mother and father had cool words, but he got stuck with ‘hello’?  He wanted something cool like what his father had, which was ‘We’ve been here for way too long’ or is his mother’s ‘You’re right, let’s leave.’  Those are cool and you automatically know who’s your soulmate, but hello gave you nothing to work with.

“I know what to do,” Y/N said as he put his hands together. “I will just never say hello unless it’s to an adult.”

His mother and his father looked at him confused before the ginger’s face lit up as if he suddenly understood.  Y/N’s mother was still in the dark about what was going on.

“She’ll be the one to know! If you say something weird, then there’s no mistaking it!” Hinata exclaimed and the h/c boy nodded excitedly.

“Yes!  If she’s decided to mess up my life, then I’ll mess up hers!” Y/N exclaimed, and his mother just stared at him and sighed.  Of course, her son would act like this.

When they went back to school Monday, people asked him about what his soulmate would say and would look disappointed that it was only ‘hello.’  He was known around school for getting everyone involved in interesting conversations, people knew who he was without even having to say hello.  Next year, he’d be in junior high and hopefully he’d find his soulmate there.

 ****

 Y/N moved before his first year of junior high, he was 30 minutes away by car; so, it wasn’t like he was 100% gone.  He played on his junior high volleyball team because he had also fallen in love with volleyball when Hinata did, and he hoped one day they’d go against each other.

“Hey, you’re L/N, right?” Naoko asked, he was on the soccer team.  The h/c boy nodded as he sat on a bench outside wrapping his ankle with an ace bandage.  He had twisted it during practice but refused to let anyone actually know about it.

“You’re Naoko, right?” He asked, and the black haired boy nodded.  Soon enough the soccer player sat next to the h/c boy on the bench.  It was awkward because the h/c boy haired boy didn’t know why the other was there.

“I have a friend who wants to confess to you, but doesn’t know how,” Naoko said, and the other just looked at him confused.

“I don’t know either,” he said as he looked back at the wrapping as he checked to make sure it was good. “I don’t ever get confessions and I’ve never confessed.  Why not ask a girl or something?”

The black haired boy looked at him frustrated, but not in a way that it was at him.  What was so frustrating about all of this?  The girl could just come up and say she likes him, it’s not like he’ll accept if he doesn’t know her.

“Just tell her to just confess to me.  My schedule is pretty much the same every day.”

“It’s not a girl,” Naoko said. “That’s why he doesn’t know what to do.”

Y/N looked up at him in shock and confusion.  He’d always thought it was fictional for people to be gay; something for women to fetishize, so he’d never given it a single thought.  The guys in his class always talked about girls, but he had never really been interested in it.  He preferred to be around his teammates because they made him feel warm.  Well, not all of them, but definitely Takeshi.

Takeshi was a wing spiker who always told the team to rely on Y/N more because he was their libero. The libero always stared at him more than normal, but he couldn’t help it; he was so pretty with his brown eyes and bright smile.  Y/N stopped for a second, realizing what he was thinking about blinked his eyes several times.

“Why did you even come talk to me?” He asked, and the black haired boy dragged his hands down his face.

“Fuck, I don’t know,” Naoko admitted. “I just thought if I told you and you said you were straight, then it’d save him heartbreak.”

“If I don’t know him, then I definitely won’t date him, so do I know him?” L/N asked, and the other shook his head.

“No, but everyone knows you,” the black haired boy said with a slightly smile. “You do realize that you are friends with nearly everyone in our year whether or not you know it, right?”

Y/N nodded slightly because he did know that but it didn’t mean they really knew him.  Very few people knew about the important things about him, so how could they possibly be in love with him?

“Yeah, but I still don’t know him.  It’ll be pointless if he confesses to me.”

 *****

 Y/N started to shut down after he spoke to Naoko, because he didn’t know where he stood anymore with soulmates and sexuality.  He’d stare at the word on his wrist and wonder if it was a girl or guy going to say it. What if he couldn’t fall in love with his soulmate?  What if he never met his soulmate?  What if he was gay?

He was so trapped in his head that he started to hate soulmates.  Why was he required to fall in love with someone when he could who he wanted to?  People had always frowned upon people loving someone that wasn’t their soulmate.  Y/N had fallen in love with someone who wasn’t his soulmate, his best friend Takeshi.

It was hard to escape the other because they were on the same team, so he just ignored it.  He put everything into volleyball because that’s how he knew how to cope.  Whenever he was emotional, he just used it to his advantage in volleyball.  His coach always praised how his receives were going to beat Nishinoya Yuu from Chidoriyama Junior High, which the h/c libero didn’t think was accurate.

Hinata wanted to be the next tiny giant and practiced constantly for it.  He constantly told Y/N how he wished he had a real team so he could finally practice like he wanted to.  Shouyou had once said he wanted to meet the volleyball player he idolized and that Y/N could do that by meeting Nishinoya (not that Y/N idolized him, he just really wanted to be like him), but the h/c haired boy said the only way he was going to meet the libero was by playing against him.

His relationship with Hinata was unaffected because he wasn’t attached to his volleyball team. Shouyou was completely outside of that world, even when they played together occasionally.  Y/N was grateful to have some sense of what he used to be like and have someone not constantly question if he was okay.

“I want to know what crazy person says to someone that they’ll set for them,” Shouyou said as he and Y/N tossed the volleyball around. “Especially as their first words.”

“We’ve always said that she’ll probably be better at volleyball than you,” Y/N said, and the ginger gasped.

“I’ve never said that!”

Y/N laughed into his hand and Hinata looked genuinely upset.

“Oh, I guess it was just your mom and me that said that.”

The ginger threw the volleyball at his best friend, only for the h/c haired boy to receive it.  Hinata forgot all about the comment, now asking his friend to teach him how to receive.

Although he was doing good in volleyball, he wasn’t close to his teammates like he used to be.  He focused on practice, not anyone else’s problems because he didn’t see a need to.  This was a different him, because he used to be the person who spent so much time trying to figure out what was going on with others because he just wanted to.

Takeshi tried to talk to him about it, because it was concerning to see one of your best friends become something that wasn’t him.  After numerous ‘I’m fine, stop asking’, the ace got the point and stopped asking. The watchful eye made the h/c haired libero angry though because the other didn’t have the right to do that to him; to care.

He handle his anger by taking it out during practice and one day he managed to knock someone down from how aggressively he had received the ball.  No one had known that was possible, but it was apparently something he could do.

“L/N! Go take a breather!” Coach screamed at him, and he nodded as he walked out of the gym.

He found himself standing in front of the bathroom, his forehead against the wall before he turned around a pressed his back against the wall and slid down.  The moment he hit the cold tiled ground; he hid his face between his pulled up knees.  He needed to stop thinking; stop feeling.  Interhigh was coming up fast and he needed to focus on that.

“Hey, you okay?” Takeshi asked, and Y/N didn���t look at the brunette.  He wished he weren’t actually there. “L/N-san, I know you say you’ve been okay, but you’ve really been acting weird recently.”

“It doesn’t matter how I’m acting,” L/N said softly, afraid he’d start to open up. “Why are you even out here?”

“Coach wanted me to come make sure you wouldn’t break anything,” Takeshi said as he fell to sit next to the other. “I didn’t think you would though.”

“Why are you my friend” Y/N asked as he finally looked at the other.  Somehow Takeshi was still unbelievably attractive even though he was drenched in sweat to where it was almost like a hair gel that controlled his unruly curls. “Why did you decide to be my friend?”

“L/N-san, you’re friends with everyone.  You’re fun to be around and you always know how to make people happy.  You know how to make me happy,” the brunette said slowly as he looked over at the other with a soft smile. “That’s why some of us are worried about you.  It’s like you’ve cut all of us out and you’ve gotten so aggressive during practice. None of us know why.”

“Things are just really difficult right now,” Y/N said as he looked down to his feet, internally chanting not to stare at Takeshi for too long. “Just been a lot on my mind.”

“I understand that,” Takeshi said with a laugh. “I’m in love with someone who isn’t my soulmate, but volleyball has been helping me get my mind off of that.”

“Who?” Y/N asked without hesitation, and it felt pathetic to get so excited over hearing that.  Maybe this would be their confession, sure it wasn’t romantic but it would be a confession.  Takeshi blushed as he looked down at his lap.

“Don’t tell anyone, but it’s Tamura-san,” the brunette said softly, and Y/N felt like he had been stabbed in the heart.  Of course, it would be Tamura; Takeshi’s childhood best friend and captain of their team.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” the libero said with a soft smile and the other smiled back at him. “You can head back; I just need a couple more minutes.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I promise I’m fine.”

Takeshi left and the h/c haired boy sighed as he leaned back so the back of his head was against the wall. Soulmates wouldn’t hurt him like this. They wouldn’t be in love with someone else and tell him like this because they believed they were only best friends.  Soulmates had to love you back, they always did, and they wouldn’t break your heart like this.

Y/N let himself cry for a couple minutes, because maybe this could be what he needed to get it all out of his system.  He could stop being in love with someone who clearly didn’t love him.  It was going to be okay because he had a soulmate out there waiting for him.

 *****

 After the talk with Takeshi, his feelings did go away but knowing he was gay didn’t.  Y/N decided to just stop thinking about that and put all he had into volleyball, but he accidentally stopped talking to Takeshi like they once had.  It had hurt too much to around someone who broke his heart, but he was nearly through with feeling those things.

They won at Interhigh, beating Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High in the process and Y/N will never forget the look of anger on the King’s face.  The libero had received nearly every serve the setter had done, even if it was aimed to be somewhere the h/c haired boy wasn’t.  Beating Shiratorizawa Academy Junior High was also the highlight, even though he hadn’t been able to beat Ushijima like he had wanted to. Winning put L/N in high spirits, even made him act like himself again for the rest of the day.

“Y/N!” A voice called out and the libero turned to see Hinata running towards him at full speed. “That was so crazy!”

“I didn’t know you came to watch,” Y/N said as he caught his friend in his arms before he could be tackled. “You told me he was an asshole to you in June, so you know I had to really destroy him.”

“Your whole team is so cool! My team wasn’t even really a team,” Hinata said, and Y/N nodded, because he knew.  He knew the ginger had been the only member of the volleyball club until three first years showed up and he forced his two friends that knew nothing about volleyball to join for the game. “So, it’s really cool to see my best friend playing on a real one!”

“Come on, L/N-san, the bus is about to leave,” Sora said, and the h/c haired boy sighed at Hinata’s upset face.

“You’re already leaving me!” He wailed and the libero whacked him upside the head.

“Come over tomorrow. It’s not like you’re incapable of doing that.” He ruffled his best friend’s hair. “I’ll text you later, Shouyou.”

“Okay!  See you tomorrow!”

 *****

 “So, you’re really going to go to nationals?” Hinata asked, and the libero nodded.

“You bet, but I need to figure out what high school I’m going to before that,” Y/N said as he looked over at the other. “Do you know where you’re going to go?”

Hinata was drinking a cup of hot chocolate Y/N’s parents had made for him.  The worn volleyball they always played with was situated in his lap. L/N found it funny that they were both obsessed with volleyball, but Shouyou wanted to always be touching the ball. Hinata looked over at him with the biggest grin Y/N had seen in a while.

“Karasuno obviously! I’m going to be the next tiny giant!” Hinata exclaimed and the h/c boy chuckled at the excitement.

“Shiratorizawa is trying to recruit me, but maybe I’ll go to Karasuno,” he said softly, which made Hinata’s brown eyes light up.  His mother wouldn’t like this decision, because she wanted him to go to the best places because he was outrageously talented and pretty good academically. “My only question is what are you going to do every morning?  Take the train?”

“No, I’m going to bike!” Hinata exclaimed as the volleyball fell to the snow covered grass.  He looked overly excited, as if it were the best idea he’s ever had; it might have been though. “I’ve been getting used to biking everywhere.  That’s how I got here.”

Y/N looked over at his friend as he shook his head with a chuckle.  How was his childhood friend so determined and motivated?  The h/c haired boy had once been like that too, but then he became scared of himself and the world around him.  It was hard to give your absolute all when you’re scared if people will learn who you truly are.

“You amaze me,” he said as he ruffled the ginger’s hair a laugh.

“If you go to Karasuno, then we can finally play volleyball together!” Hinata exclaimed and the libero gave him an awkward smile.

Y/N was scared to join another volleyball team, because what if he felt in love with another team member? His heart had been destroyed last time, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it.  He caught himself looked at his wrist before he really looked at Shouyou, who was grinning as he picked up the volleyball as if it were his prized possession, and Y/N knew he’d do anything to make his best friend happy.

“Yeah.  Yeah, we can.”

 *****

 Going to Karasuno was different than what L/N had been expecting, even though he didn’t really have any expectations going into it.  He knew he’d be on the volleyball team and most likely in the college prep class, but that was about it.  When school was over, Hinata was waiting outside the h/c haired male’s classroom and Y/N really wanted to strangle him.

“I know you don’t know this, but first years typically don’t go to practice for the first week of school,” Y/N said as he was being dragged to the gym.

“I’m just excited, I have to go now!” Hinata exclaimed, and the h/c boy chuckled as he continued to follow the other to the gym.

Karasuno High had a really nice campus, but Y/N would never say it was nicer than his junior high’s campus. He missed that school though; missed his team.  He regretted not doing a proper goodbye with them because he had started to cut off friendships when he realized he started to love Takeshi again.

When Hinata opened the gym doors, there stood Kageyama Tobio in all of his shitty glory.  He had heard Hinata talk about the setter, but L/N also had dealt with the setter before.  He had defeated his team at Spring Interhigh, but the libero destroyed him that November.  The setter focused more on the ginger than he did the libero, which was nice.  The e/c eyed boy needed to breathe because he wanted to absolutely destroy the setter.

“Aren’t you L/N Y/N?” Kageyama asked, and Hinata was outraged that he remembered his best friend’s name but not his.

“Yeah, aren’t you the douche bag whose teammates ditched?” Y/N asked, he looked like he didn’t care but his voice held resentment. “I’d say that’s why your team lost to mine, but we were already kicking your asses before that.”

“You don’t know shit,” Kageyama sneered, and three upperclassmen showed up.  They looked at the three first years before one of them looked at Y/N in amazement.

“Noya is going to freak when he gets back,” the shaved head boy said, and the first year libero looked at him so confused.

“Is that a good thing?”

The attention was turned over to the black haired setter, and he was thankful he wasn’t being put in the spotlight like that again.  He wanted to be seen on the court, not outside of it (although that became mainly a thing in his third year of junior high).  L/N then watched in horror the chaos of Kageyama and Hinata’s rivalry, and then watched as they were kicked out of the gym.

“Well, that was something,” he said, mainly to himself, and Sugawara (the vice-captain) laughed slightly.

“We take teamwork very seriously here,” the captain, Daichi, said, and the first year just nodded slowly.

“My coach in junior high was the same way,” Y/N said before he looked away. “Sometimes we’d get way into our heads and have to be kicked off the court for a bit so we could breathe. You can’t play as a team if you can’t only think about what’s happening on the court.”

After they spoke for a bit, the first year sheepishly asked if he could join practice and the team said it was okay by them.  Y/N decided he liked his new team but the guilt from not saying goodbye to his old one loomed over him the entire practice.

 *****

 L/N woke up in a good mood. He had finally actually slept for the first time in who knows how long and felt good because of it.  Maybe it was because he wasn’t constantly stressing about what anyone finding out if he was gay, because they didn’t know him well enough too and didn’t seem like they really cared to know.

“Y/N!” Hinata called out, and Y/N turned to see his best friend running towards him excitedly.  He also looked like he had been working out, but it was only 8am and the ginger never looked like that after biking.

“Hey, Shouyou,” the libero said as he stopped to wait for the other. “What’s up with you?”

“Sugawara-senpai and Tanaka-senpai let me and Kageyama practice this morning,” the ginger said with stars in his eyes, and the other looked concerned.

“Does Daichi-senpai know about it?”

Hinata shook his head, panic in his eyes at the mention of the volleyball captain.  L/N chuckled at the other before the h/c haired boy caught eyes with a tall blonde boy across the yard.  He looked like he didn’t want to be surrounded by everyone, and Y/N couldn’t blame him.  Even though he was best friends with Hinata, he really didn’t like to befriend people anymore but part of him wanted to befriend the annoyed blonde he had just seen.

“Who are you staring at, Y/N?” Hinata asked as he tugged on the h/c haired boy’s sleeve.

The libero looked over at the energetic boy, blinking a couple times.  It wasn’t that he was disorientated, but because he hadn’t really been paying attention to anyone around him except the blonde boy.

“Some blonde guy,” he said before he bumped shoulders with the other. “Let’s get to class, because you definitely need to use your brain.”

“Hey!  That’s not nice!”

“Shouyou, we’ve been friends for years; I don’t have to be nice to you.”

 *****

 Y/N decided to swing by afternoon practice, just to check it out, when he saw the blonde boy there from earlier there.  Daichi was standing in front of him and there was another student next to the blonde, he had olive toned hair and a nervous composure.  The h/c walked over to the three, an awkward smile on his face, because what if they were other volleyball members.

“Hello, L/N,” Daichi said, and the libero sent him a bright smile.

“Hey, Daichi-senpai.”

The two others looked at him confused, which was understandable.  The h/c haired boy had been confused yesterday when everyone had being introduced.  Although yesterday was a lot to handle.

“Hello, I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi,” the olive toned boy said with a slight smile.

The blonde looked over at him out of the side of his eye, seeming to evaluate him.  Usually the libero would be uncomfortable but being so close to the guy who interested him when he had seen him outside earlier that day trumped the nerves.

“Hello,” he said, not adding anything, which made Y/N do what he always did; say something ridiculous.

“I wish snakes had arms,” Y/N said, and the blonde and olive toned boys frozen, which caused the h/c haired boy to tilt his head before his eyes widened. “I’m so sorry.  I know that’s really weird, but my soulmate is to say hello and I decided to say crazy things so they’ll know.”

“Are you fucking serious?” The blonde asked, and L/N took a step back as he put his hands up as if surrendering.

“Yeah?  I mean hello is a pretty vague thing.”

“My wrist has said ‘I wish snakes had arms’ all these years because of you.”

Y/N’s eyes widened before he looked to the ground and chuckled awkwardly.  How was he supposed to respond to that?  It was technically blondie’s fault for being so basic by saying hello.

“Tsukki, it’s not like he knew what he was going to say,” Yamaguchi said, and the blonde rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

“It’s not my fault that you had to say the most boring thing!  How was I supposed to know who my soulmate was if we were both to say hello or hi?” Y/N screamed, and Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “You haven’t given me an answer.”

“Wow, my soulmate is a little bitch,” Tsukishima said, and that’s when Daichi decided to step in.

“Hey, we don’t talk like that to our teammates here,” the captain said strictly while the two soulmates glared at each other. “Do I need to do what I did to Kageyama and Hinata to you two?”

“I’d quit,” Y/N said, wondering if maybe he could just pretend he had never met the tall blonde. “You said I couldn’t play in the 3-on-3 anyways because I’m a libero, so you can’t punish us that way.”

“Maybe you should quit,” Tsukishima sneered, and someone was suddenly holding the h/c haired boy back. His blood was boiling and all he wanted to do was kick the other down to the ground so he could properly deck him.

“Maybe you should learn that being an asshole isn’t a personality trait,” Y/N sneered back, which made the other’s brown eyes narrow at him.

“I think we can call it a day for the first years,” Daichi said, obviously looking panicked. “We’ll talk tomorrow when everyone is calmed down.”

Tsukishima started to walk away, mumbling something that caused Yamaguchi to give the blonde a shocked look.

“You know we eventually have to fall in love with each other, it’s how soulmates work!” L/N screamed, which stilled both of the other first years.  Tsukishima didn’t turn around, but Yamaguchi turned to look at the h/c haired boy, who was still being held back by Tanaka.

“We’ll see about that,” the blonde said before he started to walk again.

“I wish my first words had been ‘you’re a piece of shit’ instead of the dumb shit I said,” Y/N mumbled, and Sugawara appeared, a hand covering his mouth.

“Your first words were really ‘I wish snakes had arms’?” The vice-captain asked, and the h/c haired boy nodded sadly.  He wished it had been something better than that, but at least it wasn’t hello. “You really will fit in on this team.”

 *****

 Y/N wasn’t included in the three-on-three because he had been practicing with the team and they knew his playing by now.  It also just wasn’t fair for one team to have a libero and the other not to.  He was told to come to the match for it because it showed team unity.

“Y/N, this is going to be so fun!” Hinata exclaimed as they walked to Karasuno High together.  The ginger had stopped at L/N’s house so they could walk there together, also to drop off his bike.

“It’ll be your second game ever, right?” Y/N asked before he took a bite into a pork bun he had brought from home.

He was glad his mother wasn’t there to see him because she’d scold him.  It was considered lazy to eat while you walked down the street, because you didn’t know how to plan your day out, but the h/c haired libero couldn’t find it in him to care.  Hinata had refused to eat one, because he was worried it would make him sick.

“Yeah!” Hinata exclaimed before he suddenly looked nervous. “Oh no, what if I mess up?”

“Everyone messes up, Sho-chan.  I wasn’t a starter until my second year because I messed up receives constantly,” Y/N said with a yawn. “You’ll get to play no matter who wins, so don’t worry.”

“Kageyama won’t get to play setter until his second year and he’s really upset about that,” Hinata said before he pushed his hair down and started doing an impression of the first year setter. “I must do everything volleyball by myself and I don’t need any help. I must always play setter.”

“As much as I hate him, I get where’s he’s coming from.  If I couldn’t be a libero, I’d just quit.  It’s my position, especially because I’ve only learned how to only do that. I’ve never spiked a ball before.”

Hinata’s eyes went wide. Apparently Y/N had never gave the other that information.  He assumed the ginger would figure out that being a libero means you can’t really spike or set a ball, so there wasn’t a need for him to learn those things.  L/N wanted to assume he’d be decent at it since he could jump high, but he didn’t know if his spikes would be any good.

“Spiking is the best!” Hinata yelled, only to be shushed by the other. “It makes me feel so gaah, you know?”

“You mean it makes you feel alive?”

“Yeah, but more!”

The rest of the walk was full of Hinata rambling about how much he loved spiking and how hard receiving was.  It was the first time they had done this since before Y/N moved and it felt good to do it.  Made it feel like no time had passed, even though Y/N was 5’6” now and Hinata was still the same height but with fluffier hair.

“We never talked about the fact that Tsukishima is your soulmate,” Hinata said, and the libero sighed as he looked at the ground.

“We’re not going to. I’m going to ignore the fact as long as possible.”

“You shouldn’t though! You know that can be dangerous!” Hinata exclaimed as he threw his arms around. “Y/N-chan, I know you don’t like that it’s a guy, but it doesn’t stop the fact that if you ignore it then you could get Hanahaki disease or Kirameki disease!”

“Those are unrequited love things, Shouyou,” Y/N said as he rolled his eyes.  “Also, they rarely happen in soulmate cases.  It’s typically when you love someone who isn’t your soulmate. Or if your soulmate loves you and you don’t love them at all.”

“Still!” Hinata yelled before he grabbed at his friend’s arm to stop him. “There’s nothing wrong with being with a guy!  Just make sure you don’t get hurt!”

“So, you don’t care that I apparently like guys?”

Hinata made a confused face and shook his head.

“Why would I care? It’s not like you’re in love with me.”

“Yeah, I do have standards.”

“Hey!” Hinata exclaimed with an annoyed expression and the h/c haired boy laughed. “I think I’m part of the high standards!”

“Shouyou, you don’t even understand what I’m saying,” Y/N said as he tried not to laugh. “Having standards means someone has certain things they want in someone.”

“Explaining it made it worse!” Shouyou yelled as he threw his head back.

Y/N didn’t know why he was so worried about Hinata knowing he was gay.  The ginger was still the same idiotic person that the h/c haired boy had known back in elementary school.  As his laughing died, his smile stayed on his face.  He really was thankful for his best friend.

 *****

 Y/N found himself staring at Tsukishima as the blonde played in the three-on-three.  It was normal to watch people play that you’d never seen before, but he knew he couldn’t stop staring because the other looked good when he played.  L/N was fairly certain he didn’t look all that attractive when he played because he sweated as if he’d never have another day to.

“So, snakes with no arms,” Sugawara said as he went to stand next to the h/c haired libero.  The third year setter loved the first words so much that it was now a weird nickname. “I see you’re staring at Tsukishima, especially after he took off his sweatshirt.”

That was attractive. Seeing the middle blocker getting into the game to the point he had to take his sweatshirt off was enough to get Y/N wanting to get over the entire ‘I hate you’ thing.  Maybe if the blonde kept it up, L/N would be attracted to him enough to want to kiss him.  He couldn’t just tell someone that because that’s weird.  It would be especially weird if it were his upperclassmen who was staring at him way too intensely.  His cheeks started to burn red from the attention and he looked at the floor.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but your staring is a bit too much.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Sugawara looked away from the other, and it seemed like he actually felt bad that he overwhelmed the other.  The libero could tell that the third year probably would go back and not stress him out if he had the chance to.

“It’s okay to look at him though.  He is your soulmate,” Suga said, and the first year looked over at the ash blonde curiously. “No one is going to get mad at you, well except for Tsukishima.  He seems like a real stick in the mud kind of person while you’re peppier and a very subdued version of Hinata.”

Y/N laughed a little as he shook his head. “I’m not sure if you’re insulting me or not.”

“I don’t insult my underclassmen until I’ve known them for at least a month,” the vice-captain said and the first year gave him a weird look.

“I guess that gives me time to do stupid shit and not be bullied for it.”

Sugawara laughed as his hand landed of Y/N’s shoulder.  When he looked at the libero, his eyes held more mischief than the h/c haired boy liked.

“Insulting and bullying are two different things.” The third year looked over and pointed at Tsukishima. “Anyways, you can go back to watching your stick in the mud soulmate block people again.”

Y/N reluctantly did but he also watched Hinata, who would always be overdramatic and over trusting, spike Kageyama’s perfect sets.  The h/c haired boy hoped the setter didn’t end up hurting his best friend by going back to his harsh ways from junior high.  If he did hurt Hinata though, then L/N would have to kill him because no one was allowed to do that to.  The ginger brought light with him everywhere, his name literally meant sunshine, and he had been the one thing in the h/c haired boy’s life that had never changed.

He wanted to see if he could receive those crazy quick attacks.  Wanted to know how much power was behind them and if they’d hurt his arms when it came into contact with them?  How fast would he have to become to know when they’re going to happen and where.

It wasn’t surprising that Kageyama and Hinata’s team won because they had created a new freak quick attack.  This meant Kageyama would get to play as setter if the coach allowed him to and it seemed that Karasuno’s coach/advisor did whatever the third years told him to. He’d get to play as a starter in their practice match against Seijoh because of course, the first year setter’s senpai had some sort of rivalry with him.

“Tell me, Kageyama,” Y/N said and the blue eyed first year glared at the other. “Damn, I was just going to ask why Oikawa seems to be targeting you.”

“I don’t know,” Tobio said as he looked down at the ground and h/c haired boy wasn’t so sure he believed that but didn’t say anything.

“Y/N-chan, did you see my spiking!” Hinata exclaimed and the libero nodded.

“Yeah!  You’re better than I thought you were, but not by much.”

“So mean, Y/N!”

The h/c haired boy saw Tsukishima looking over at him, only for the blonde to look away.  Soulmates were supposed to be curious of each other and try to learn more about one another, but it seemed the middle blocker was going to be difficult.  

“Hey, Tsukishima. You’re really good at blocking,” Y/N said, seeing what would happen, and the blonde rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t ask,” Tsukishima said with a slight glare and the h/c haired boy shrugged.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t say it,” he said with a chuckle. “So, get used to it.”

“Annoying brat.”

 *****

 “You’re doing a terrible job at getting Tsukishima to like you,” Suga told Y/N before practice one day and the first year libero gave him a confused look.

“I’m not trying to do anything.  It’s going to take time because he’s obviously incredibly stubborn,” Y/N said with a sigh. “So, it’s not worth rushing.”

“I met my soulmate in junior high.  He goes to a different high school though,” Suga said before he chuckled slightly. “His first words to me were ‘I didn’t know angels existed’ and mine to him was ‘hey, are you going to faint’.  He still calls me angel.”

Y/N smiled at his upperclassmen because that was one of the few slightly cute word exchanges he had heard of.  Most middle schoolers had stupid ones but the libero couldn’t judge anyone by any means due to what he said.

“Why doesn’t he go here?” L/N asked and the ash blonde fetched his phone of his bag.

“He moved to Sendai right before first year of high school but we still talk,” Suga said before he showed the first year a photo of the ash blonde with a brunette with glasses.

“He looks like Haruhi Fujioka from Ouran High School Host Club,” L/N said and the Koushi looked at the photo and smiled.

“I guess you’re right.” He put his phone back in his back and gave the h/c haired boy a look. “You’re incredibly charming, just use it on Tsukishima.  He’ll bully you for the rest of your life because of the words but at least you’ll have each other.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

 *****

 The sight of Kindaichi and Kunimi made Y/N roll his eyes.  Of course, he had to see those two again as if having Kageyama on his team wasn’t bad enough.  The dirty look they gave him as he walked by made him roll his eyes because of course they’d act like that.  It hadn’t been Y/N’s fault Kitagawa lost but their own fault for crumbling as a team.

“We’re not going to lose to you again, L/N,” Kindaichi said and the h/c haired boy looked at him and shrugged.

“Words are just words, where are your actions to prove them?” He asked and it had been the last thing he said to the boy in front of him at Interhigh Finals.  The turnip haired boy had always talked big but never fully showed what he actually had.

“Stop talking to them and come on,” Tsukishima said and the libero rolled his eyes.

“Okay but do you ever wonder if snakes have arms?” Y/N asked a smile on his face and the blonde glared at him.

“You make it so hard to even try to be nice to you,” Kei said as he walked ahead, no longer alongside L/N.

“Awe!” Y/N exclaimed as he covered his heart with his hands, making sure to be extra overdramatic. “You were trying to be nice to me, how cute!”

“L/N, stop harassing Tsukishima!” Daichi called out and Sugawara elbowed him in the side, making the captain let out a small ‘oof’ sound. “Let’s warmup!”

 *****  

The match was going just fine, especially the small competition that Watari and Y/N had going to see who could get the most digs.  The Karasuno first year libero was fairly certain he was the only one aware of this competition but that didn’t matter to him because he wasn’t going to lose. He wanted to destroy Kindaichi every time they went against each other, purely because the other always made the comment he would beat Y/N.

Kageyama and Hinata’s quick attack took the other team by surprise but that was to be expected. Without it, L/N was pretty certain Karasuno wouldn’t have been doing so well.  Seijoh had a team that was recruited, unlike the crow school.  Seijoh had tried to recruit Y/N but his mother had been so fixed on him going to Shiratorizawa to the point she told him to just unfriend Hinata because he wasn’t on Y/N’s level anyways.

When Oikawa Tooru entered the court, the h/c haired libero looked him over and knew the pretty boy would most likely end up being trouble.  He had been on the bench his first year of junior high but he had seen Seijoh’s setter destroying people with his jump serve and there was no telling how deadly it was now.  No telling how badly the libero would want to receive every last one.

Y/N was rotated out with Tsukishima for reasons he didn’t understand but let happen.  When Oikawa started targeting the blonde and Shouyou, he wanted back on the court then because sure the two couldn’t receive for shit but he wanted to be the one trying to receive those serves.

“Do they really not know how to receive?” Y/N asked Sugawara as he flinched at the sight of the two first year struggling. “I thought Hinata was getting better.”

“That’s him being better,” the third year said with a slight chuckle. “I thought you would know how bad Hinata is at volleyball since you came to Karasuno for him.”

Y/N hadn’t really gone to Karasuno entirely for Hinata but because he had someone to lean on, so then he didn’t fall in love with someone on the team.  The fact that Tsukishima was his soulmate fucked up everything. He could’ve just gone to Shiratorizawa and been gay for Ushijima like nearly every other volleyball player and it be acceptable but instead he had to go to Karasuno and meet his fucking soulmate.

“L/N switch out with Tsukishima,” Kiyoko said and the two first years quickly did so.

The blonde looked annoyed and the h/c haired libero couldn’t blame him.  It would be like Y/N trying to spike and block when he’s never done those things, although Tsukishima had learned to receive; just not to the ability he should have.

“Look at who Karasuno’s libero is,” Oikawa said and e/c eyes tracked his every movement.  He was going to give a nasty serve and direct it at Hinata most likely. “Doesn’t mean much at this point.”

The serve was perfect and somehow Y/N got it to go up.  He knew it looked flawless but his arms hurt like hell now.  Hinata scored the last point and the libero smirked as he looked at Kindaichi.  He’d always beat anyone who told him he couldn’t.

“That was a nice receive,” Oikawa said and the libero looked over at the setter before he shrugged.

“Pretty easy one to get so I’m not sure why everyone was struggling,” he lied and he could feel his arms throbbing, knowing that time was luck and he’d have to train to receive the other’s serves next time.

“Why are you with Karasuno? You obviously have more skill than anyone of them.”

How does someone say that you fell in love with someone in middle school who wasn’t your soulmate and realized you were gay, which broke you down and the only person you felt at ease with was your best friend who wanted to play volleyball with you, so you picked the school you never thought you go to?

“I mean I could’ve joined your team or Shiratorizawa but,” he said but he was cut off.

“Are you just going to talk all day?” Tsukishima asked and the other two players had no idea when the blonde had arrived.

“Sorry, seems that it’s time to go.  It was good finally playing against you, Oikawa-san,” the h/c haired first year said before he turned to leave but the brunette grabbed his wrist.

Y/N looked down at his hand and Tsukishima stepped in, detaching the hand from the libero’s wrist. He didn’t speak but it was obvious the words he wanted to say were “don’t you dare” but the third year setter apparently couldn’t tell.

“I know you hate Kageyama, so why are you so okay with playing on the same team as him?” Tooru asked and there a weird sort of desperation in his eyes, as if he had been searching for an answer to the question for longer than he’d let on.

“I don’t think I actually hate him,” Y/N said with a shrug. “Hated how fucking annoying of an opponent he is.”

“Can you please stop talking about the king and go?” Tsukishima asked and he was obviously frustrated.

Your soulmate has to care for you.  You could hate them with all you have and still care about them because that’s how soulmates work.

It was why Y/N knew he didn’t need to work so hard to get Tsukishima to like him because it would happen. His mother had always told him that your soulmate is required to love you, which wasn’t always beautiful. Sometimes you loved a person who was evil and you had no control over it.

“Yeah, it was nice meeting you, Oikawa-san,” Y/N said and followed after the blonde middle blocker, who had an irritable expression on his face. “Thank you for getting me out of that.”

The first year middle blocker didn’t respond but Y/N could see the faint red tinge to his ears. What a tsundere.

 *****

 “Are you saying that because I’m short?” A voice asked as Y/N entered the gym to see Hinata next to a dark haired boy with a blonde streak in the front of his hair.  He froze because that couldn’t be him.

“No, you’re good at receives,” Hinata said before he smiled wide. “Also, my best friend is a little taller than me and he’s a libero too!”

“Really?” Noya asked and L/N wanted to leave the gym and pretend he had never been on the volleyball team because meeting the other libero was going to be embarrassing.

“Yeah!” Hinata exclaimed before he noticed the h/c haired first year and pointed at him. “There he is!”

Noya looked at the frozen boy with wide eyes before he grinned so wide it looked like it could hurt. Tanaka, Sugawara, and Daichi were all over to the side, ready to watch this interaction.  The second year had grumbled about the fact he hadn’t been able to play against third year L/N Y/N because he looked like he could kick his ass.

“You are L/N Y/N!” The 5’2” libero screamed as he went over to the other and all Y/N could do was nod. The libero was cuter without a net between them and it made the first year nervous. “I’m Nishinoya Yuu from Chidoriyama Junior High, you may remember me.”

“Of course, I remember you,” Y/N said with an insulted tone in his voice. “You were the best libero I ever went against in junior high.  No one has ever pissed me off more but it made the game exciting.”

“I thought the same about you!” Noya exclaimed with twinkling eyes that made the h/c haired libero swoon slightly. “So, if you’ve gotten better, then I may be fucked.”

Y/N had found the second year libero attractive when he went up against him about two years ago.  He’d never gone against a libero that was obviously as dedicated to the position as he was.  Passion was attractive and the h/c haired boy would admit to that every time and it was probably why it was hard to find Tsukishima attractive because he just never seemed passionate about anything (except that once during the 3-on-3).

“He is definitely better than you,” Tanaka said, obviously just trying to rile up the second year libero. “Just wait until you go up against each other again and he kicks your ass.”

“I’m not that good.” It didn’t seem like the other two heard him and he wasn’t sure what to really say to get their attention. “He’s going to always be better than me.”

Noya looked over with a smirk that made the first year weak in the knees.  He had never found anyone as attractive as the blonde streak second year and would have to say he still had a small crush on him.  He wasn’t a second year in junior high anymore though and now knew who his soulmate was but why did the other still make him feel like he could be in love.

“No need in trying to flatter me when you’re already my favorite.” Noya laughed slightly and Y/N’s heart was beating so fast it hurt. “We will see who the best libero is but just know I’m not going to throw it just because I’m an amazing senpai.”

“I’d never want you to throw it, senpai,” Y/N said and the second year libero turned bright red at the title.  The first year looked at him curiously, unsure as to why he turned so red. “Is everything okay?”

Tanaka’s hearty laugh rang throughout the gym and Noya glared at the shaved head middle spiker. There was obviously something more than L/N knew and he just kept looking at the two curiously because he didn’t understand what he was missing.

“Don’t worry, it’ll make sense later,” Sugawara said as he placed a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder, only to make Y/N jumped slightly. “Or it may not and you’ll have to ask me what it means.”

Y/N just nodded as he looked over at the two second years, who were now wrestling, and sighed slightly. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to do about Noya because this would result in disaster.  It was already clear to him that he didn’t want to be soulmates with Tsukishima and if he started to fall in love with Noya– well who knows what would happen.  Maybe he needed to quit the team because it was justifiable now because his nightmare would most likely come true.

“Maybe I should quit the team,” Y/N said and the ash blonde third year looked over at him curiously. “I mean Noya is going to be starter and I doubt we will ever need to sub for him, so I’ll just be waiting until my third year to finally play.”

“Are you really admitting defeat?” Noya asked and the h/c haired boy looked over to see the second year have a challenging look in his eye. “The L/N I played against two years ago would have never just said that.  He probably would try his hardest to kick my ass and show me who’s boss, even as a first year.”

He was right because that’s exactly what Y/N had to do to play before his third year in junior high. He surpassed his senior because he wanted to play against Nishinoya and wanted to become good enough to consistently receive the powerful jump serves Oikawa had shown.  L/N had struggled to get better but he did it in a way that surprised his coach as well as the amount of schools that had tried to recruit him for high school.

“Okay, so how do you want me to kick your ass?” Y/N asked as he took a step closer to Noya, who also took a step closer to the first year. “Want me to slam you to the ground?  Or maybe you’d prefer for me to tease you until you’re at my feet.”

The blonde streak boy’s cheeks were burning bright pink and he couldn’t look at the boy in front of him, which cause Y/N to smirk.  This wasn’t his normal self but the competitive side that came out whenever he was challenged, typically during a game.

“You’ve broken him!” Tanaka exclaimed with a laugh and L/N looked the second year libero up and down before rolling his eyes.

“What has L/N done?” Tsukishima asked as he entered the gym and he looked interested in knowing what’s going on.  It was because his soulmate was being spoken about and you’re always curious when your soulmate is being spoken about.  Part of Y/N wished it were more than that.

“He broke Noya!” Tanaka exclaimed, his laughter nonstop as if this were the funniest thing he had gotten to experience in a while.

“Noya challenged him and when L/N gave the same energy back, and well our libero started to malfunction,” Sugawara said and there was a glint of something in the blonde’s eyes.

“Oh really?  Can L/N even beat Noya in a competition?” Tsukishima asked and the h/c haired boy turned around to look the middle blocker in the eyes.

“Do you just want to see me play?” Y/N asked with fake innocence in his voice. “It’s okay if you do because I’ll practice right in front of you.”

Tsukishima didn’t change in any way but the libero wasn’t fully ready to break him.  He was in full on competitive mode, something he hadn’t shown off at the practice match because that one didn’t matter like the real thing would.

“Or do you want me to lose so I’ll go running to you and you can comfort me?” He asked as he tilted his head. “Too bad I’m not going to lose, so you’re just going to have to ask me to run to you.”

Tsukishima looked over the libero and Y/N knew this was a moment of your soulmate has to find interest in you; has to want you.  Suga had said he really needed to charm the blonde but it seemed like he didn’t really have to try so hard.

“Wait, they’re soulmates?” Noya asked and Sugawara nodded as he watched the two first years, unsure if he was able to look away. “But I wanted him to be my soulmate!”

Tsukishima’s eyes shot over to the second year and there was a look that made the libero fidget slightly and quiet down.  The blonde pushed the h/c haired boy’s shoulder gently for him to move as he looked at the blonde streak boy.

“It’s too bad that he already has one, isn’t it?” Tsukishima questioned before he turned back to the first year and rolled his eyes.  He acted as if Y/N had just done what the blonde did, which made the first year libero scoff.

“I’m actually open to changing who my soulmate is.” Y/N’s smirk and how he checked out the middle blocker created just a tinge of pink on the blonde’s ears. “Mine seems to hate me most of the time.”

The tension was already thick but Tsukishima’s silence made it even worse.  Hinata, who had somehow managed to stay quiet throughout all of this, decided to finally speak.  L/N wasn’t sure if he should love his best friend of debate on fighting him.

“Did I ever tell you what my soulmate is going to say to me?”  

Hinata’s eyes were bright and shining, which would make everyone assume that he was just being annoying but he was trying to get the attention off of the situation.  It also helped that he hadn’t shared that since the entire thing of L/N and Tsukishima had happened.  The excuse of it wasn’t every day that teammates ended up being soulmates and it was excited that it had happened.

“No, I don’t think you have,” Suga said as he looked over at the ginger boy, who grinned brightly. “Want to share it?”

“He always wants to share it,” Y/N said with a laugh and he wasn’t sure if they all knew that he and Hinata had been there for their words.

“One day I’m gonna set for you,” Hinata said as he showed his wrist. “It’s exciting that they also love volleyball.  I just don’t know if it’s going to be a girl because isn’t that something a guy would say to you?”

Thankfully, this opened up a whole other debate and L/N turned to leave and maybe even go to the club room and stay there.  Or maybe he’d just leave and never come to another practice because no matter how confident he could act; Noya would beat him.  It wasn’t something that destroyed him to know because it made sense and you can’t go against sense.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Tsukishima asked, his long fingers wrapped around the h/c haired boy’s wrist.  If he really wanted to, Y/N could just break out of the hold and continue walking but he didn’t. “Well?”

“To the club room.” His voice is soft, unlike when he was cocky with competitiveness. “You’re free to join if you want.”

The hand let go of his wrist, which made it just fall limp to his side.  He turned around to see Tsukishima looking at him with analytical eyes, which put him on edge.  What would the blonde see that the libero wouldn’t want him to, or just not yet.

The effects of soulmates seemed to only be affecting Tsukishima and Y/N wasn’t sure as to why. There weren’t any feelings of wanting to be closer to the blonde.  There weren’t really even any feelings of attraction.  The middle blocker just existed and happened to be soulmates with him and that was that.

“Sure, why not.”

Yamaguchi said nothing when they walked past him, although it was obvious he wanted to.  He wanted to make a comment about the sudden closeness between the two but it died before he even opened his mouth.  Y/N wondered if the olive haired boy feared the middle blocker because he saw no reason to.

Did he see Tsukishima differently than everyone else?  He didn’t see a real reason as to how he could.  The blonde was just closed off and bitchy and the h/c haired boy had dealt with someone like that on his old team.  He had gotten into a fight with L/N the second week into their first year because the libero just snapped back at any comments.

“So, you want to quit?” Tsukishima asked and the h/c haired boy looked over at him with a shrug. “Well, don’t.”

“Why?” Y/N asked as he tilted his head slightly and the blonde looked away from the other.

“Won’t be the same without you.” His ears were tinged pink. “Also, it shouldn’t matter if someone is better than you if you can obviously get better.”

A smile played on the libero’s lips as he looked the blonde over. “Are you trying to say that you think I’m a good player?  Are you trying to compliment me?”

Tsukishima grumbled slightly as he looked down at the concrete.  He was embarrassed and the h/c haired boy wanted to laugh but all he could do was smile at his soulmate.  Moments like this were when L/N should find the middle blocker attractive because it was a moment where he was actually raw and not calculated like he wanted everyone to see.

“It’s not really a compliment if it’s a fact.”

Y/N stopped walking and stared at the blonde, who stopped in his tracks a couple of strides in front of the other.  People had said that to him before and he never believed them.  Sure, he knew he was a good libero but he wasn’t good enough in his book.  Tsukishima saying it felt different though and the h/c haired first year would end up saying it was just because they were soulmates.

Soulmates always changed everything.

“Do you really mean that?” Y/N asked and his confident façade fell as he looked at the other with wide eyes. “Do you really think I’m good player?”

“Of course I do.” Tsukishima rubbed the back of his neck as he looked anywhere but his soulmate. “Everyone thinks so.  Do you not?”

“Not really.”

Why was he telling the middle blocker this?  They were merely teammates who didn’t actually talk about anything except for plays and when Tsukishima saved him from situations.  He’d just blame soulmates because he didn’t think he’d start to actually want the blonde this fast.

“Why?” Tsukishima asked and he looked like he actually cared and it was too much for L/N.

“Maybe I’ll tell you another time.” He spoke fast. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.  See you later.”

The blonde first year didn’t seem upset by the sudden change in heart and just moved to the side for the other to walk by.  L/N started to run whenever Tsukishima was no longer in sight and ended up at the tennis court.  Maybe he should’ve actually gone to the bathroom instead of receiving weird looks from the boys’ tennis club.  He didn’t care enough to actually to turn back and fell to the ground to lay in the grass as he stared up at the blue sky.

He was scared to fall in love, even with Tsukishima.  He was scared to fall in love with his own soulmate.  How fucked up was that?  Most people eagerly accepted the feelings that came with soulmates but those feelings just made him feel gross.  It felt wrong.  It all just felt wrong.

It didn’t feel wrong like this when he fell in love in junior high.  It didn’t feel wrong to have a crush on Nishinoya.  Why didn’t those feel wrong?  Why did feelings concerning his soulmate feel wrong?

He didn’t like how it felt whenever Tsukishima gently touched his shoulder or small of his back the very few times he had done it.  The feeling lingered until that night when he was in bed and it was all he could feel.  It was all that consumed him to the point where he had to reach into his boxers and imagined it was Tsukishima’s warm hands instead of his own.  After it was over, he felt so disgusting that he couldn’t look the blonde in the face for a couple of days.

Y/N hated how he always leaned in to hear more of what the other first year was saying.  It was a soulmate thing because you always wanted to hear your soulmate whenever they spoke.  He found it annoying and hated the way Tsukishima always turned his body towards him when he spoke.  The way the blonde’s voice was deep and made L/N’s knees weak at times.

He wasn’t attracted to him though because it all felt wrong.  It felt wrong to masturbate while he thought it was someone else.  It felt wrong to be affected by a voice.  It felt wrong to not even find that person attractive, even with everything else attached.  Y/N wanted there to be something that made the blonde attractive but there was no spark there.

Takeshi had been attractive. He had made the h/c haired boy dizzy from his smile and how his eyes shined with excitement whenever he stepped into the gym.  There was also the way he laughed and always leaned into the libero, which made his lightheaded.  It all felt so good compared to whatever he was feeling with Tsukishima.  Why did it feel so different?

 *****

 Tsukishima had grabbed his wrist during practice and pulled him out of the way of a rouge volleyball. Y/N wanted to scream at him to stop touching him because he couldn’t handle it.  The thought of going home and eventually having to touch himself because it was all he could think about wasn’t something he wanted to do.

Instead he pulled away with an awkward smile before he went over to Nishinoya to practice more receives. Noya gave him a playful smile as he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Trouble in paradise?” He asked with a laugh.

The second year hadn’t been quiet about his crush on the first year.  He was loud about it to the point Tsukishima glared at him constantly and asked Y/N to change his position to something that wasn’t a libero.  The h/c boy said that Noya would eventually find his soulmate and the crush would go away.  It wasn’t like they were going to fall in love or anything.

“Wasn’t paradise to begin with,” Y/N said as he tossed the ball over to the dark haired boy to start receiving in between each other. “Pretty sure he still hates me a bit but that’s fine.  I’m not really ready to fall in love yet.”

Noya only nodded before he smirked at the other.  L/N always wanted to know what the other was thinking but never asked.  He never asked questions about anything.  Never saw a reason to.

“Do you remember the first words you said to me?” The second year asked and the h/c boy nodded.

“Pretty sure I was going to kick your ass or something.” Y/N received the ball with more force than normal. “Why?”

“Just wondering.” Y/N caught the volleyball and stared at him. “I just find it weird that your soulmate is Tsukishima.  It would make more sense if it were me.”

L/N wouldn’t necessarily agree.  When he wasn’t having a crisis, he was more like Hinata but not to an extreme.  He made more sarcastic remarks, quick comebacks, and genuinely happy the majority of the time.  It was just that now he was using volleyball to avoid thoughts and feelings, just like he did back in junior high.

“Soulmates don’t work out how we want them to or how we feel like they should,” Y/N said, his mother had told him this when he said his was a boy. “We have to accept and let it all happen.”

“Yeah,” Noya said with eyes that showed he was trying to understand. “Let’s make people serve for us.”

Y/N nodded as he threw the ball over into the ball cart and followed his upperclassman.  He wondered what his wrist said because he couldn’t see it through the orange sweatbands that covered both wrists.  Was it embarrassing?  Was he ashamed of it?

“Nishinoya-senpai, what are your words?” Y/N asked and the second year was getting used to being called the honorification, so the bright red face was now just pink blush on his cheeks.

“Doesn’t matter,” Noya said before he tackled Tanaka and the first year watched his upperclassman carefully.

L/N wanted to know why it didn’t matter but he was fairly certain he wouldn’t get an answer.  Maybe it actually didn’t matter.  Tsukishima and him being soulmates only mattered because they were on the same team and everyone had to deal with it.  Hinata’s words only mattered because Y/N had been there to experience whenever the ginger received them.  Sugawara’s words only mattered because he had told them to the first year.

Soulmate words didn’t matter just like soulmates didn’t.  He started to hate soulmates again because everything was supposed to feel magical and perfect instead of whatever he currently felt.  It didn’t make his heart race when he caught Tsukishima staring at him, instead it made him want to vomit.  There weren’t moments where his face felt hot from the blonde. He didn’t yearn to be next to the middle blocker when they were apart.

L/N wasn’t in love with Tsukishima and decided that maybe they weren’t meant to be soulmates.

 *****

 Y/N had never been one to get sick.  He had taken care of Shouyou when his friend got the flu and didn’t get it.  He had never missed a day of school because he was sick. His mother had once said it was like he had a superhuman immune system.  So, when he complained about being nauseated, his parents were slightly concerned.

“Have you been overworking yourself?” His mother asked as she made him some porridge. “I know it’s been stressful for you and handling the soulmate thing as well as not being a starter.”

“It hasn’t been announced yet who the starter is, we find out in two weeks.  Remember golden week?” Y/N asked and his mother nodded. “I’m not going down without a fight, so of course I’m working hard.”

His mother put some of the porridge in front of him and he looked at it as if it would jump out at him. The smell wasn’t great but it also wasn’t bad.  Hinata had always complained about the taste of it, so L/N was surprised when it wasn’t all that bad.  He ate a little of it, his appetite still lacking, and was sent to bed.

Apparently it’s not allowed to practice if you don’t feel well.  It was just another reason as to why the libero decided he would never get sick again.  Sure, no one wanted to be sick but he really wanted to be at practice right now.  He had started to get the hang of a rolling receive and Nishinoya was getting pissed over it.  Y/N had reassured his upperclassman that he wouldn’t scream rolling thunder whenever he did it.

L/N wanted to be better than Noya or at least be proper competition because it was fun to bicker with him.  He enjoyed having the second year as his friend and his crush faded slightly when he got to be around him to the extent he had been.  They’d also be going up against Nekoma, a school he had heard about from some family that lived up in Tokyo as well as the new coach.  Coach Ukai didn’t seem extremely qualified for the position but Y/N didn’t really care as long as he got to play somehow.

When he finally laid down, he felt the need to go to the bathroom.  Hopefully, the porridge was just gross because was going to really refuse to be sick if he actually was.  The race to the toilet was perfectly timed and he threw up not just the porridge but three white flower petals as well.  He didn’t remember eating flowers.  Was he really that sick to where he ate flowers?

He stared at the toilet bowl; the smell terrible but he couldn’t stop staring at those three white flower petals.  Y/N heard his mother coming down the hall and he quickly wiped his mouth off with toilet paper and flushed the toilet.  She looked at him so worried when she opened the door and he tried to reassure her he was okay; the porridge just didn’t sit well in his stomach.

She ordered him to go to bed immediately, even though he didn’t have a fever.  L/N wasn’t tired and all he could think about was when he and Hinata walked to the three-on-three together.  He remembered exactly what Hinata said, word for word.

“Y/N-chan, I know you don’t like that it’s a guy, but it doesn’t stop the fact that if you ignore it then you could get Hanahaki disease or Kirameki disease!”

L/N really thought that those things were myths.  Only ever told to kids to scare them into making sure they love their soulmate. Those three petals said otherwise. He felt stupid now and wondered what he was going to do.

Hinata was right.  You can get Hanahaki disease if don’t fall in love with your soulmate.

 *****

 L/N never had a fever, his appetite was just nearly nonexistent and he ended up getting a cough. He expected to throw up more but it was rare, which went against the symptoms he had seen online.  If his mother was to look through his computer history, then she’d be concerned for his safety.  He mainly looked at academic articles over it because he didn’t want to read fucked up fanfiction about celebrities having it.

A study had been done that if both soulmates didn’t like each other, Hanahaki wouldn’t happen. There was unrequited love when one loved the other but the feelings weren’t reciprocated.  The only way to reverse it was to fall in love with your soulmate, which was shown to be easier than the libero thought it would be. That’s what statistics showed at least.

He was in stage one where only a couple petals appeared but not every time he coughed.  He needed to avoid as many symptoms as possible.  Symptoms for it could be coughing, vomiting, trouble breathing, fever, uncontrollable shaking, loss of appetite, low body temperature, and hallucinations.  Y/N already had coughing, vomiting, and loss of appetite.

The first year was smart in how he planned to try to fall in love with Tsukishima.  He started to sit next to him when he could and asked to walk home with him after practices.  It was just that it wasn’t working the way he wanted it to.  Kei (Tsukishima had told him to call him that) was actually funny when he wasn’t being a complete asshole.

He had even put his headphones on L/N and the libero learned that the middle blocker was into K-pop and J-pop.  The two stopped in the middle of street because the h/c first year couldn’t stop laughing about it.  Y/N looked up some of the groups the blonde had shown him and made vague comments about it during practice.

“Stop flirting,” Sugawara joked with a teasing smile.  He was probably the most excited to see the two finally interacting in a way that wasn’t at each other’s throats.

“I can’t help it, have you seen him?” Y/N said and Kei chucked a ball at him in response, but the libero received it. “You can’t take me by surprise when it comes to volleyball.”

It felt like they were just childhood best friends and L/N had slammed his head into the wall next to the vending machine outside the court.  Things between them had changed so much but he still struggled to form romantic feelings for the blonde.  What was different between Takeshi and Noya compared to Tsukishima?

Takeshi had gotten into his face once.  They were so close and he gripped his shirt as he screamed in L/N’s face to start acting like a libero.  It was his first year and he was still new and clumsy with volleyball but the brunette didn’t care.  Y/N got frustrated and stopped giving it his all but Takeshi didn’t allow it.  Even though they had both been first years, the brunette was the only person to make Y/N get fired up to play.

Then he heard and saw Nishinoya play and it was almost like someone had lit a fire in him.  He was antsy on the side of the court his first year and wanted to go against the other.  Noya was stunning to begin with but his love for volleyball made him even better.  L/N remembered when they had looked at each other through that net and he knew that everything just felt right.

“I hope you’re ready for me to kick your ass,” Y/N said to the other libero during warm-up. Nishinoya gave him a challenging look. “We’ll be going against Shiratorizawa.”

“Only way that’ll happen is if I give up.” Noya took a step closer to the other. “And I don’t do that.”

“Good because neither do I.”

Even though L/N’s team had lost in the end, he felt like he was on cloud 9.  His love for volleyball was at an all-time high.  His team was pissed at him for being so happy but Takeshi made the comment that it was rare to see two good liberos go against each other. It didn’t matter what it was but he felt like he was in love with Noya and volleyball.

Oh.

L/N realized that his crush on the two boys had started because of volleyball.  The crushes grew when his love for volleyball grew.  Their inspiration made him want to be better, love always did that though.  He read about it.

Tsukishima hadn’t inspired him the other boys had.  He showed no passion towards anything, especially not volleyball.  That was why Y/N kept struggling to fall in love with him because there wasn’t an actual connection of a share interest.  Sure, he could sing the lyrics to songs Kei loved but he didn’t love them himself.

There wasn’t a proper way for him to tell Kei that he didn’t love him, when the blonde obviously loved him, and it resulted in Hanahaki.  He couldn’t demand for him to show passion for something he wasn’t passionate about.  It was just that Y/N didn’t want to die.  He wanted to play with Karasuno and go to nationals.  He wanted to be in love with his soulmate.

If he told Tsukishima that, what would the blonde do?

 *****

 L/N had never been more excited for Golden Week because he loved practicing with his team.  He loved practicing with Shouyou and how the ginger was so excited about everything.  The h/c first year loved watching his friend run through the place they would be staying with wide starry eyes.  Even though Hinata had inspired him to play volleyball, he never fell in love with him.  Most likely because he had seen him as a brother for so long before that.

Kei placed his futon next to Y/N, which caused the two to be teased by Sugawara and Tanaka.  Daichi shut them up and sent the two first years an apologetic expression.  The middle blocker seemed more embarrassed than the libero, he moved his futon next to Yamaguchi’s instead.  He didn’t like attention, yet everyone gave it to him, mostly girls.

“Do you not want to sleep next to me?” Y/N asked when no one else was around. “It’s okay if you don’t but ignore them if you do.”

“Do you want me to sleep next to you?” Kei asked as he took a drink from his water bottle.  His expression was hard to read but the other knew it was because he was trying to feel out the situation.

He didn’t know if he wanted Tsukishima to sleep next to him.  Part of him honestly didn’t care who slept next to who as long as everyone got to sleep and no one was bitchy in the morning.  His old team had always been so bitchy in the mornings to the point he was told to stop being so cheery.  All he had really done was say good morning during breakfast.

“I want you to be happy,” L/N said and he was sincere. “If it makes you happy to have your futon next to mine, then do so.  I’ll deal with the others if I need to.”

Kei had a small smile on his face, the h/c first year nearly didn’t catch it.  The blonde was pretty when he smiled but the effect would go away all together if he started to smile all the time.  The barely noticeable smile stayed while he put his futon next to his soulmate’s but disappeared when it was no longer the two of them.

L/N smiled at him but there was a sadness to his smile.  He still wasn’t in love with Tsukishima and he was to the point that he so desperately wanted to be.

 *****

 When Hinata ran off without the team, L/N and Sugawara were teamed up somehow.  Tanaka said that Y/N and Tsukishima couldn’t go alone because they would get all lovey dovey.  Tsukishima told them he didn’t want to look for Hinata and L/N said he was going to go look and would join someone if needed.

As he and Suga walked around, he started to feel a little sick to his stomach.  The first year had grown used to this feeling but he was typically at home when it hit him.  He really didn’t want to throw up his breakfast in front of his upperclassman, especially if there would be flower petals in it.  Sometimes you don’t get to decide what you’re going to do.

L/N threw up on the side of the road and would’ve preferred a trash can but there wasn’t one around the two.  Suga looked over at him concerned and the libero could hear him go to talk before he fell silent.

There was a fully formed flower in the midst of the vomit.  A white candytuft, one of the more common Hanahaki flowers.  It meant ‘indifference’ and usually given to those who had tried to ignore their feelings.  He was getting worse and he knew it was because his efforts to fall in love weren’t working.

“How long?” Sugawara asked as he looked at Y/N. “How long has this been going on?”

“About two weeks. I’ve been leaving the gym to cough and the vomiting has happed maybe four times now.  This is the first fully formed flower.”

“I thought you were in love with him,” Suga said and the first year closed his eyes.

“I want to be.” His voice soft and he felt he could cry. “I look at him and I want to be in love with him so bad but he’s not passionate about anything.”

Suga’s upset expression fell into a gentle one.  He didn’t make an effort to move to comfort the other though.

“You’ve only ever been attracted to volleyball players, haven’t you?”

L/N looked up at him with tears running down his face. “Yes.  They make me want to be better.”

“Are you still in love with Nishinoya?” The setter asked and the libero wanted to act like he had never been in love with the second year but they both knew that would be a lie. He had been just as obvious as Noya.

“No, I’m not in love with anyone.” He crouched down and put his face between his knees. “That’s the fucking problem.  I’ve focused so much on trying to love Kei that I don’t even remember what feelings feel like anymore.  How am I supposed to feel?”

“Your heart beats faster whenever you’re around them.  You’re happy whenever they talk to you or you just see them.” Suga crouched down next to the other. “Life feels better when they’re around, even if it’s in mundane ways.”

“Those are all just soulmate things though,” L/N sniffled. “Everyone feels that for their soulmate.”

“What do you feel for Tsukishima?”

“I like being around him. He’s really fun to be around when he’s not as concerned with everything.”

The vice-captain placed a hand on the other’s back and it was comforting.  Koushi’s touch didn’t feel like Kei’s and Y/N was happy about that. He wanted that to only be a Kei thing because he wanted something to only be a Kei thing.

“We’re going to figure something out,” Suga said and L/N started to cry harder because he knew they wouldn’t. “I promise that you’re going to be in love with your stick in the mud soulmate soon.”

“You can’t promise things like that,” L/N cried and Suga’s hand rubbed comforting circles on the other’s back.  “You can’t get my hopes up.”

“Trust me, I always keep my promises.” He took his hand off the other’s back and stood up. “I’ll go find Hinata and we’ll come back around here.  You can have a bit to yourself.”

Y/N nodded as he looked at the flower that stared at him from the grass.  What would Tsukishima think when he learned the h/c boy’s flower meant indifference.  The only way you got that flower was when you actively decided to no longer want your soulmate.  There wasn’t much you could do to make yourself fall in love with someone past what he had done.  Countless articles had said so.

He wanted there to be a universal thing that made soulmates fall in love.  Typically just because they were soulmates did it but there were times this happened.  He wondered if maybe he was aromantic but turns out their soulmates are strictly platonic and they’re matched with someone else who is aromantic.  It also wouldn’t make sense because he had been so in love with Takeshi and Noya.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Someone asked and L/N had moved to sit somewhere that wasn’t the street. Tsukishima stood near him with a confused expression. “You’re not telling me that you got lost looking for Hinata.”

He called Shouyou Hinata whenever he was around L/N because the libero asked him to.  Said it was fine to tease his best friend but he didn’t want to hear the teasing when it was just the two of them.  Y/N had asked this with what Kei assumed to be fond eyes and the blonde couldn’t say no if he even tried.

“I don’t feel too great, so Sugawara went to look for Sho without me,” L/N said and realized he wasn’t lying when he said that.  He still felt nauseated and like he needed to lie down.

“You kind of look like shit,” Kei said before he placed the back of his hand of the h/c forehead. “You’re a little warm but you don’t feel like you have a fever though.”

“I love when you say I look like shit; you really know how to woo a guy.”

Kei smiled at him slightly. “Just for you.”

It was moments like this when Y/N wanted to love him so bad.  Moments where he wanted to reach out and just hold the other’s face between his hands and tell him all the reasons why he loved him.

“Do you love me?”

L/N didn’t mean to ask that. Maybe if he heard it, he’d love the other back.  Maybe he just needed confirmation that he was allowed to love him.

“Of course I do, dumbass.” He took a step away from Y/N. “Why else would I come look for you?”

Because you’re my soulmate. Because you feel like you have to. Because everyone told you to.  Not because you love me.

“Don’t know, thought you wanted to get more exercise in,” L/N teased and Kei rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get back to everyone, I don’t want to hear them go on about how long we were gone.” Tsukishima reached out a hand for the other to get down from the brick ledge better.  It wasn’t even that tall but the gesture made the libero want to cry.

“Maybe they should have reason to tease us.”

Tsukishima ears went red, especially when the libero grabbed his hand.

“Shut up.”

“Aw, don’t be like that Kei,” Y/N pouted but they both knew he was only joking around. “I know you want me to talk always.”

As they walked back to the team, holding hands, Kei realized Y/N never said he loved him back.

 *****

 Tsukishima noticed more than he let people believe.  It wasn’t like he suddenly knew someone just by observing but he could pick up tendencies people had.  Tadashi’s ears turned red whenever he lied, which was rare.  Hinata was livelier when he walked to practice with Y/N.  Kageyama was always in a mood and the blonde started to think it was just the setter’s resting personality.  Then there was Y/N and he couldn’t get a proper read on him.

Y/N always teased Kei when he thought was appropriate.  After heavy moments, there was always something to make the blonde roll his eyes and get out of that atmosphere.  He did it in front of everyone too.  He made SHINee references more than the middle blocker wanted him to but at least no one else on the team knew what he was referring to.  Y/N also called him Tsukki because he said he felt left out that Yamaguchi had a cute nickname for him but the h/c didn’t.

Tsukishima had grumbled and told him to call him whatever (he was then referred to as Optimus Prime) but he loved when the other called him Tsukki.  He loved when Y/N did anything when he was near him because everything felt so easy.  There was the argument that it was always felt that way with soulmates but the blonde refused to believe that.  He wanted it to be special between them.  It felt special to him at least.

L/N never told him that he loved him back though.

It had been eating away at him the couple days and it was finally the day of the Nekoma match.  He was near Y/N, who had clenched fists as he glared at the floor.  The h/c wasn’t made a starter and Noya had even fought with the coach about it.  Said that Y/N could be used in the second set because he was just as good as the second year.

“Hey,” Tsukishima said and the L/N looked up at him with watery eyes. “It’s okay.”

That was the wrong thing to say and he blamed not being able to get a good enough read on the other. He blamed his soulmate for not being transparent with him.

“I understand that this is just some fucking club for you but it’s not for me!” Y/N screamed as he dug a finger into Kei’s sternum. “You don’t understand because you get to play while I don’t.  I could’ve gone to Shiratorizawa and I don’t get to fucking play here.”

Usually, Tsukishima could get angry and throw sharp words at someone who acted like this towards him. He didn’t this time.  He grabbed the other’s hand and just held it as everyone stared at them.  Sugawara held back Noya, which was good because the blonde wouldn’t be as kind to the second year as he was to his soulmate.  The feeling of the Nishinoya being a threat had went away when Y/N decided to start being around the blonde more.  It went away when Kei felt like the other first year finally felt the effects of soulmates like he did.

“You’re right.  I don’t understand and I probably never will.” Tsukishima paused when he noticed the h/c had started to cry. “You can scream and cry and do whatever but everything will still be the same.”

Y/N ripped his hand away before he wiped his eyes.  Normally Tsukishima would find people pathetic for acting like this over some club but the boy in front of him was different.  He was different because he was his soulmate and because he just loved him.

It was obvious though by the way L/N looked away from him and grumbled at the court again that he didn’t love him back.  The realization made it crystal clear on how to read the libero.  Everything the two had ever done together made sense now with how Y/N acted.

He was shy to touch and only allowed hand holding.  Tsukishima had accidentally grabbed onto him one day when he tripped over something and the h/c refused to look at him for days after.  He didn’t let anyone touch him unless it was Hinata but they were basically brothers.  Any time that Kei had initiated something, there was tight smile on the other’s face as if he were being forced to deal with it.

Tsukishima had never walked him home because the other always said it was too far out of the way for him.  Hinata had made comments of Y/N living the closest to Karasuno out of anyone on the team. The blonde had already known that was a lie and he assumed that maybe L/N’s parents were like his mother, who had tried to invite the libero to dinner the first time he had been walked home.

He watched as Y/N stormed out of the gym and Hinata follow after him, and he couldn’t get himself to move. A hand touched his shoulder and it was Sugawara, who looked as if he could see right through the blonde. Maybe he could but Kei did nothing in response to the third year.  He stared straight ahead and tried to figure out what he was going to do with all these feelings.

“You’re allowed to be upset,” Suga said and the blonde looked over at him. “You’re allowed to talk to him about it.  I actually encourage you to because he most definitely won’t.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kei would just be cold hearted again and this wouldn’t bother him then.  He knew though that the next time he saw the first year libero, he’d forget that.  He’d just be happy to be next to him, even if he didn’t show it how most did.  His affection was making a playlist of his favorite songs to show Y/N before he had even thought about letting him actually listen to him.  His affection was keeping an extra hoodie in the club room in case the h/c complained about being cold.  His affection was everything no one actually saw.

“Sure you don’t,” Sugawara said before he lowered his voice to a whisper. “And Y/N definitely doesn’t have a flower collection growing.”

Tsukishima froze in place as his upperclassman walked away.  He didn’t move when Y/N came back with Hinata.  He watched Noya tackle the first year and shower him in compliments.  He couldn’t move because Y/N’s flower collection would be in his lungs and the blonde didn’t know what to do.

 ******

 It was dark outside by the time everyone had returned to Karasuno High School.  The h/c libero was still upset about the starting lineup and everyone knew.  Him yelling at Tsukishima had been one of the lighter things he had done.  There had been a fight with Coach Ukai where he had been threatened to be kicked off the team and Y/N told him to do it.

“There’s no point to volleyball if I can’t be a libero!” Y/N screamed and some of Nekoma stared at the sight.

“You’re still a libero, you’ll just play when rolling thunder kid can’t,” Ukai said and Takeda stood near them with a concerned expression. “It’s not that bad being on the bench.”

“It is though!  I thought you played volleyball.” Y/N threw his hands up in the air. “This is fucking ridiculous because you’re pulling class rank on this when he and I can just switch out when needed!”

“Don’t speak to me like that!” Ukai yelled back and the libero stared him down. “I will kick you off this team.”

“Do it.”

Everyone stared at the two and Hinata later made a comment that he had never seen Y/N so serious. The h/c first year had a look that made everyone uneasy.  It was almost as if he felt nothing and you were being forced to experience it.

“Hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves now,” Takeda said, finally stepping in. “No one is going to be leaving the team today.”

Y/N had been quiet the entire way home and gave no attention to anyone except for Noya, who he quickly hugged.  When he walked over to Tsukishima, the blonde was surprised about it.  He had assumed that since the other didn’t love him and was in a shit mood that it would make sense for them to not talk.  L/N was more vibrant and vocal when he hadn’t just been threatened to be kicked off the team.

“You’re walking me home, let’s go,” Y/N said and Kei waved bye to Tadashi, who looked as confused as the blonde felt.

It was nice outside, even though the summer heat was nearly upon them, and Y/N didn’t talk like he normally did.  He was silent in a way that made anxiety build up in the blonde’s chest.  He could deal with a pissed off Y/N but he couldn’t deal with Y/N when he was pissed and possibly had Hanahaki.

“It’s so fucking ridiculous that he thinks he’s qualified to be a coach just because he used to play,” Y/N said and the blonde looked down at his soulmate, whose brows were furrowed together. “I just feel so useless to the team now, even after I spent my entire junior high dedicating myself to volleyball.”

He stopped in the road and look at Kei, who turned to look at him.  It was weird to be standing like this.  They never stopped on their walk home unless L/N started laughing so hard he couldn’t walk anymore.

“In junior high, I fell in love with a guy on my team and I used volleyball to try to get rid of those feelings.” Tsukishima just stared at him with no response. “I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t.”

He was struggling to say what the blonde didn’t want to hear.  He hated lying so much and hated being betrayed by those he trusted but he would be okay if Y/N lied to him forever if he didn’t have to hear it come out of his mouth.

“You don’t love me,” Tsukishima said and his voice was cold and the h/c nodded.

“I want to though.  I want to so badly.” Y/N was sincere in his words and Tsukishima didn’t expect for him to lie now, so he knew he wasn’t. “Please show me some kind of passion.”

“What do you mean?” The blonde asked as he tilted his head and leaned more into the other’s space. “Why do I need to show you passion?”

“Because I can’t love you and will die if you don’t!”

Y/N’s expression was blank but somehow his eyes held more pain than Tsukishima wanted to see.  He confirmed that he had Hanahaki in those words and the blonde didn’t know what to say.  Was he supposed to pull some fake passion out of his ass?  He couldn’t do that, even if he wanted to and he did.

“How long?”

“About two weeks.” Y/N looked down at his shoes. “Got my first entire flower the day Hinata got lost. Suga went on without me because I was sick.”

Tsukishima wanted to be angry.  He wanted to feel the need to scream and throw things.  Instead, he felt sad because he wasn’t sure on what there was to do. Explaining why he loved the other wouldn’t make him want him back.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to break your heart.” L/N’s voice was soft and weak. “I wanted to keep you happy for however long I possibly could.”

Tsukishima watched the other clench his fists before crying.  It was pathetic but it made his heart hurt more than he wanted it to. Y/N let out a wet cough and white flower petals ended up in his hands.  Sure, the blonde was in pain but it was obvious that the other was as well.

“I’ll just fall out of love with you since you can’t fall in love with me.”

He thought it was a good idea.  They could just back to pissing the other off and he could stop caring about how close Nishinoya stood next to the first year.  The way Y/N grabbed him by the collar and yanked him down said otherwise.

“It doesn’t work like that,” Y/N spat out as he glared the middle blocker dead on. “Once you fall in love with your soulmate, you’re in love with them.  You’re forever destined to be in love with me.”

It wasn’t fair that the blonde didn’t get a choice in this.  He deserved to get a choice in if he loved the other or not, especially if L/N had gotten that choice.  It wasn’t fair that he thought the other looked beautiful with wet cheeks and snot dripping from his nose but the other didn’t see him the same.

“Why don’t you love me?” Tsukishima asked and his voice was calm, which differed from the volume in his head.

“You’ve never really shown passion.” Y/N let go of his shirt and pushed him back slightly. “You got into the 3-on-3 but you never showed anything more than that.  Passion is different than not wanting to lose.”

Kei stared at him, surprised he remembered the 3-on-3.  He was surprised the other actually paid attention because he had never made it seem like he remembered the little things Tsukishima did.  He didn’t notice things like the blonde did; he didn’t want him. Kei’s brown eyes focused on the 5’6 libero as his fists clenched.

“I’m passionate about you!” Tsukishima screamed as he pointed at the h/c. “I’m so fucking in love with you that it hurts but you say I’m not passionate about anything.”

Y/N froze and Kei wanted him to do something.  He was angry and he didn’t want to say everything he thought or felt because he didn’t do that kind of thing.  He bottled everything up but he couldn’t do that with the other anymore.

“I text you to make sure you got home because I want to talk to you more, even if we talked the 30 minute walk to my house.  I love when you laugh at my comments and when you try to impersonate a song when you obviously can’t sing for shit.”

L/N kept staring at him like he couldn’t breathe.  I kept staring at him like he didn’t know how not to.  The fact that there were no interjections made the middle blocker continue.

“I’m honest with you and I’m not like that with anyone.  I don’t give two shits if it’s apparently some soulmate bullshit because to me it’s just a you and me thing.  You make me feel safe enough to say what I want to.” He stepped closer to the libero. “You make me fucking happy with your stupid comments and how you try to fix your hair before class even though it looked just fine before you messed it all up to fix.”

L/N’s breath hitched when the blonde took another step closer and the h/c first year finally looked up to where the two were making eye contact now.  Kei waited a moment for the other to say something but he didn’t. Y/N continued to just stare at him as if he still didn’t understand what was going on.

“I actually want to go to volleyball practice because I can see you play.  You’re amazing when you’re not on the court but you change the moment you’re in the gym,” Tsukishima said and he noticed how the other took a step closer to him. “You make me want to be a better player; to be on your level.  If I’m on your level, then I can actually play next to you like you’d want to.”

“Is this really how you feel?” Y/N asked, his eyes cutting through the blonde. “Or are you just saying in hopes that I won’t die.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.” Tsukishima looked down at the ground. “I also don’t want you to die.”

L/N threw his head back as he laughed.  Kei stopped breathing for a second at the sight and sound.  The 5’6 boy leaned forward into the blonde; his head landed on Kei’s chest as he continued to laugh slightly.  Warmth spread throughout the blonde’s body and he refrained from wrapping his arms around the other.

“I hate you so much,” Y/N said in between small laughs. “You had to get pissed at me for not thinking you’re passionate for it to all finally click.  You had to basically admit that I make you passionate.”

Kei wrapped his arms around the shorter male, who let out a deep sigh.  They had never done this before and now it’s all the middle blocker wanted to do.  He could basically hear their soulmate teacher saying that the effect of soulmates makes everything so much greater than it actually is.

“Can you do something for me?” Y/N asked as he pulled away enough for the blonde to look him in the eye.

“What?”

“Come closer,” Y/N said before he pulled the other down by the first and kissed him quick. “Thank you.”

Kei’s face was bright red and he couldn’t tell if the libero was flustered as well.  He felt like both of them should be flustered and he moved down to the kiss the other again.  It felt better than what he thought it would feel like.  His mother had said the moment she kissed his father, all of those feelings were real and not just dreams.  He felt the same right now, especially when the other looped his arms around his neck to keep him down.

“You’re in the middle of the street!” Sugawara screamed and Y/N pulled away with a laugh. “At least go home.”

“Do you guys always make out when walking home?” Hinata asked as he pulled his bike along and the h/c winked at the ginger, who shrieked.

“Of course, we don’t make out when we walk home,” Kei said and L/N pouted slightly. “He just happened to have jumped me.”

“I would never,” L/N gasped as he placed a hand over his heart. “How dare you accuse me of that?”

“Y/N-chan, I bet I can run down the hill faster than you,” Hinata said, bored of the conversation, as he put his bike down on the sidewalk.

“You’re on shorty!” Y/N exclaimed and the two started running.

“So, how is his flower garden?” Sugawara asked and Tsukishima jumped at the proximity of his upperclassman. “Did you kill it?”

“I think so,” he breathed out and the ash blonde nodded. “Unless he’s lying.”

They watched as Y/N tried to trip Hinata as they started to walk back up the hill.  The two first year boys laughing, mainly L/N, and Hinata would scream a ‘not fair’ every couple of moments.  It was the first time either of them had seen the h/c first year look so at ease in the month and a half of knowing him.

“I don’t think he’s lying,” Sugawara said.

L/N walked up to the blonde, beating Hinata back up to their stuff (even though he had technically lost by tripping the ginger five times), and beamed at him.  His smile felt like sunlight on a cold day and his eyes were fully of warmth, something the 6’2” first year had never noticed before.

“I’m hungry, want to get something to eat?” Y/N asked as he grabbed the other’s hand and Tsukishima’s skin tingled. “It’s on me if you want to be cheap.”

Kei intertwined their fingers and nodded. “You’re totally free to pay for me.”

Y/N groaned and looked over at Sugawara, as if the third year would help him out.  The ash blonde laughed slightly and looked over at Tsukishima.

“I think he wants you to pay,” Sugawara said and Kei looked down at his soulmate, who was pouting at him. “You don’t want to make him sad, do you?”

“Yeah,” Y/N said. “You don’t want to make me said, do you?”

Tsukishima sighed. The way the h/c looked at him was different and it made him want to do whatever the other wanted.  He didn’t have a lot of money to spend but maybe he could spend all of it on his soulmate.  He’d definitely do it if L/N kept looking at him with sparkling eyes and warm smile.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Pork buns!” Hinata exclaimed and Y/N started to laugh.  The ginger was too cute for the libero to handle.

“I was thinking more of sushi,” Y/N said and then he looked at his best friend. “I was also thinking of it more as a date.”

Hinata’s eyes widened as he nodded and the libero laughed a little at him.  He felt like he did before Takeshi and maybe the ginger would realize that.  The decoy turned to the blonde and tried to give him a threatening look.

“If you hurt him, then I’ll have to kill you.”

“Shouyou!” YN exclaimed. “He’d beat you before you could even try.”

The two started to argue over how mean L/N was and e/c eyes met brown eyes, which made Kei look away. Y/N walked over and grabbed the other’s hand that he had dropped when he started arguing and smiled over at Hinata.

“As much as I love you, I really want sushi.”

He also really wanted to kiss Tsukishima some more because it was better than anyone had ever described it to be.  He still felt warm all over and the other’s touch lingered on his skin but it didn’t feel like it used to.  Kei’s hand was warm in his and he wanted to bring it up to his face to kiss.

“Come on, Hinata,” Sugawara said as he wrapped an arm around the ginger’s shoulders. “I’ll buy you some pork buns.”

When the two were gone, Y/N looked up at Tsukishima and grinned at him.  He was going to get sushi for free.  The other first year couldn’t back out of it now because he basically said he’d buy it.

“You ready to go, boyfriend?” L/N asked and brown eyes widened as they looked at him.

“Boyfriend?” Tsukishima asked and it was obvious the title affected him but he was attempting to make it not seem that way.

“Yeah,” Y/N said as he brought the middle blocker’s hand up to his face and leaned his cheek into the palm. “Is that okay?”

Tsukishima’s thumb caressed the skin and love swelled up in his chest.  It had all hit him at once and it was so much more than he had ever felt for Takeshi and Noya, so he felt like he needed to make it happen.  He needed to make sure that they were on the same page because he feared he would continue to have Hanahaki if they weren’t.

The soft and fond smile on the blonde’s face made Y/N lean into the touch.  He wondered if they’d get to be affectionate like this more now. He hoped so.

“Of course, it’s okay, brat.” Tsukishima leaned down and kissed the crown of L/N’s head.  The nickname held so much affection that the libero wanted to laugh.  Only Kei would make an insult a pet name but it was okay. “It’s more than okay, you should know that.”

Y/N knew that but he had wanted to hear it nonetheless and it felt like he could finally breathe again.

Tag List

@chaoswrites​ @joyuyush​ 

[theweasleysredhair]

I Wish It Was Me [F.W.]

Character: Fred Weasley

Word Count: 2179

Requested?: Yes/No

Summary: She loves Fred, he loves someone else... right?

Disclaimer: Gif isn't mine, credit to whoever made it

A/n: Very angsty, very fluffy. Based on the song “Heather” by Conan Gray! Requested - enjoy, nonnie!

~*~

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK! REBLOGS ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE! <3

+ + + + +

You’d loved Fred a long time. Ever since that first passing greeting on the Hogwarts Express at the tender age of 11 before you even knew what love really was. He was full of life, energetic, funny, reckless. He was like a firework, bright and cheerful, always up for a laugh and causing mischief. Rough around the edges, sure, and sometimes a tad insensitive but somehow it made you love him more.

He had no idea - at least, you didn’t think he did. There were times, fleeting moments, where you were convinced maybe he did, and maybe he felt the same way, but then he’d flirt with some Hufflepuff 6th year or Ravenclaw 5th year and reality would hit you. He was one of your best friends.

You tried your best to push your feelings down, to try and get over him, but every time you thought you’d gotten a handle on yourself, he’d shoot a smirk your way or run a hand through his messy ginger hair or throw an arm around your shoulder or, worse, just throw a flirty, cocky remark at you and suddenly you’d be back to square one.

You suppose you couldn’t blame anyone else for falling for him. It was so easy for you after all, as easy as breathing. You didn’t have to think about it, it just happened and one day you realised his smile could put you into a good mood, his laugh could make your whole week.

Didn’t mean it was easy watching someone else fall for him though. You noticed right away when she started having feelings for him. She’d stutter, suddenly sit up straighter when he was around, smile more. At first it didn’t bother you - Fred always sat beside you, always involved you in conversations. Sometimes you’d notice him staring at you. He’d even give you his sweater to wear - it was warm and soft and smelled like him. “Looks better on you than me,” he would say, grinning at the way the sleeves would end long past the tips of your fingers and the bottom of the sweater would reach your mid-thigh.

Then suddenly it stopped. He stopped sitting beside you, stopped talking to you as much, stopped staring and stopped giving you his sweaters. Because suddenly, he fell for her. He had asked her to the Yule Ball, when you (and George, for that matter) were sure he was going to ask you (George asked you to go as friends instead and you had to ignore the sight of Fred and Angelina dancing all night). And it was her he was sitting beside, her he was speaking to, her he was staring at and her who was wearing his sweaters. That first time you saw her sat in his knitted jumper - the one with the large ‘F’ on the front - you swore you felt all the air leave your lungs.

It hurt.

It hurt like nothing you’d experienced before. You’d say hello to him in the hallways and receive nothing but a friendly nod before his attention was back on her. You’d try to speak to him at meals, but his focus was on her. You’d sit beside him, but go unnoticed.

You couldn’t blame him. Angelina Johnson was beautiful. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, effortlessly cool. Everything you wished you were but afraid you’d never be.

Everything you tried to be.

But you were tired of trying. Or trying to be okay. Of trying to even be his friend at this point - it hurt too much to watch them together. The way his eyes lit up as he looked at her, the way he smiled at her. You’d witnessed them kissing too many times than you wanted to admit, your heart aching as you wished it was you.

It felt like he was disappearing from you. And you knew George felt the same. Whilst they still spent time together, it was nowhere near as often as before, and you knew it was getting to George.

The more time Fred spent with Angelina, the more you spent with George. Something you were often reminded of was how smart the twins truly were and it took less than a week for George to realise you had feelings for his brother.

You denied them when he asked, but then he just looked so much like his brother yet was so different - that much kinder, that much more sensitive - that you couldn’t help but spill your secret. That you’d loved Fred for 6 years. Telling George made you feel simultaneously better and worse. Better because now you had someone to confide in and to help you through it but worse because admitting your feelings made them so much more real. And that was scary.

You saw Fred less and less, partly due to his new relationship but mostly due to your decision to avoid him. George had tried to discourage you, but he saw how much it was hurting you to see Fred and Angelina and began helping you avoid him instead where possible.

You didn’t think Fred would notice. You noticed his absence greatly of course, but you didn’t think he would be focused on your absence. That was, until one day you were leaving your potions class and you suddenly found yourself pressed between a wall and someone’s chest.

Your heart was beating as you looked up at the culprit, staring into the deep eyes of Fred Weasley.

“Why’ve you been avoiding me, love?”

His voice was low and he was staring down at you with such intensity that you had to look away.

“I’ve not-“

“Don’t lie to me,” he interrupted you, “You’re worrying me - why have you been avoiding me?”

His warm breath was hitting your face and you couldn’t help but shiver, though you weren’t entirely sure if it was because of the cold from being in the dungeons or the proximity between you and the boy you loved.

As if he’d just realised how close he was to you - his chest was pressed against yours and his hands resting either side of your head - he stepped back a bit, pushing his ginger hair out of his face as he looked at you expectedly, although a hand was resting on your shoulder as if he half anticipated you running away.

Which now you thought about it, wasn’t such a bad idea.

“I um... I’ve been avoiding a lot of people, not just you. I’m just going through something and-“

“You’re not avoiding George,” he said softly as his hand dropped from your shoulder. A flash of hurt crossed his features but he covered it up quickly.

“He’s been helping me.”

“Why couldn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you come to me? Why George?” His hurt tone made you wince - the last thing you ever wanted to do was cause him any pain.

“You’ve been kinda busy with... with Angelina recently I- I didn’t want to bother you,” you pressed your lips into a straight line and looked down - suddenly your shoes were very interesting.

“You could’ve still come to me. I would’ve made time for you. We’re friends - best friends last time I checked. I thought you trusted both me and George. Not just- not just George.”

“I couldn’t... I can’t tell you,” you said helplessly.

“Why?”

“I just can’t!”

“Don’t you trust me?” He whispered, that same hurt look flashing through his eyes.

“I do trust you Fred I just can’t... I didn’t think it was a good idea to come to you with this certain problem I have. You wouldn’t be able to help because even I can’t help it,” you tried to explain.

He looked like he was still fighting the hurt he felt and you sighed. “I’m bloody in love with you and you love Angelina,” you said quietly, “And I thought I could handle it but I can’t. I can’t because it hurts too much. I love you, Fred. And it’s crazy because I’m so young but I know how I feel and that’s it. And-and I know you have Angelina. And that’s fine, it is, but I couldn’t be around you for a while. I didn’t think you’d notice, I didn’t think- I never thought- I-“

“You love me?” He asked, his eyes slightly wider than usual.

“Yes.”

He was silent for a while and you could feel your heart beating faster and faster.

“Fred?” You whispered, “Please... say something.”

“I’m with Angelina. You know that. I like her,” He scratched the back of his neck and stayed silent for a moment and you swallowed, nodding.

Your lips trembled and you fought to keep a tear from falling, “I know... I know. And I could never be her and I wouldn’t want to get in between you both so... that’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“I’m happy. I am happy,” he said determinedly, “I’m taken, I can’t-“

“I know Freddie,” you said softly, “I’m sorry. I never meant to tell you, I was trying to get over you. I just... I-I’m gonna go.”

Fred watched helplessly as your figure retreated down the hallway and disappeared around a corner.

“I loved you, Y/n,” he finally admitted to the empty space where you once stood. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked the floor, sighing before shaking his head, “I love you.”

***

“Y/n, have you seen Freddie?” George asked as he ran to fall in line with you walking back to your common room.

“Haven’t in a few days, since...” your voice trailed off and George nodded. “I’m assuming you’ve heard him and Angelina broke up?”

You came to an abrupt stop and your head whipped over to look up at the tall younger twin, “What?!”

He shot you a cheeky grin, “Freddie broke up with her- look!” He nodded down the hall at where Angelina was stood extremely closely in front of a 7th year Ravenclaw, whose hand was on her waist, her giggling up at him.

Your jaw dropped, “But-“

“You know, if I were you, I’d go find my less attractive brother. I reckon he might have something to say to you,” George winked dramatically, “He’s on the Quidditch pitch.”

You frowned in confusion, “What? But I thought you were just looking... for him?”

George shrugged, “Maybe I made up a reason to talk about Freddie... and to show you Angelina’s new boy.”

“You cheeky-“

“Go get him,” George cut you off with a gentle nudge towards the direction of the pitch.

With a nod, you made your way outside, before realising rain was falling fast and drenching you to the bone. You pulled your cloak further around you, pushing wet strands of hair out of your face as you rushed over the grass, your eyes falling on a familiar figure.

“Fred, what are you doing?” You called out.

As you headed closer, you saw him look up at you and grin, “What do you think I’m doing, love? Quidditch practice!”

“It’s chucking it down out here!” You exclaimed. He leant on his broom as he watched you walk over to him.

“I heard you broke up with Angelina. Or, well, Georgie told me and I saw her with, you know.”

He nodded, his rain-soaked hair sticking to his cheeks as you came to a stop in front of him.

“Did he tell you why I broke up with her?”

You shook your head.

“Because of this,” and suddenly he’d crashed his lips to yours.

It was a desperate kiss, one that made your toes curl as he dropped his broom to the ground to grip your hips. It was mostly a clashing of teeth to begin with and you hit his nose with your own a couple of times before you both began moving in sync, ignoring how the rain was falling down around you.

He pulled away slightly, staring down at you the way you always dreamed he would - but the reality was better.

He rested his forehead against your own, both of you shivering from the cold yet in no hurry to get back inside. The corner of his lips turnee upwards into a smirk, “It’s you, darling. You’re it for me. Fuck- I love you. I have for years. You never seemed like you felt the same so I assumed you didn’t feel the same. You never said anything so I tried to get over you but... I couldn’t be with Angelina any more when I found out you were an option - the best option. The only option I want.”

As he leant down to kiss you again, standing with you in his arms, your clothes soaked through and your shoes filling with water, you couldn’t help the smile that began to creep onto your face. You’d thought about this moment over and over again, and now... now it was finally happening.

And it was better than you could have ever imagined.

[librarianandguardian]

Just a feeling- Saul Silva x Female!Reader

Pairing : Saul Silva x Female!Reader

Word Count : ~2300

Warnings : Fluff, brief mention of drug use and burns

Music : Un homme - Jérémy Frerot

Author’s note : Getting pretty stressed because of a huge project at school, so I wrote this to blow off some steam ! I also wanted to say that I do not agree with the way some characters are written and treated in this show. I hope I did not perpetuate these errors, and that I got Silva’s personality a bit right at least. Feedback is appreciated, may it be on the story telling or even the grammar. English isn’t my first language. Flahs-backs in italics. Enjoy ! :D

GIF ‘s not mine, and I can’t find the creator.

French First World songs resonate in the Great Hall, she is dancing. Wild and free. Her loosened hairs fly through the wind. She has traded her Specialist armour for a long flowing dress. Her feet are hammering the ground in rhythm. The crowd carries her all over the dancefloor; she twirls and claps her hands following the music.

From an ignored fairy bloodline, her parents considered her a Specialist Legacy. When her mind fairies powers woke up, everything went wrong ; she was always an overwhelmed child. No one could help her everytime she lost control. Nothing but medication: earrings to contain, and pills to attenuate. It wasn't bad. She lived like that her entire life.

Silva is sitting on a plastic chair, leaning on the table by his side, his gaze lingering. She is an exceptional fighter; dance must be a piece of cake and fun judging from her large smile. To be fair, he barely remembered her from their time at Alfea. Farah told him she was three years younger than him and seemed to have a few memories.

« (Y/N) travelled a lot to the First World prior to college. Her parents were emissaries and brought back souvenirs. Rumours said that her room resembled a cave of wonders.

-Ever went there ?»

His friend chuckled.

« Once. It was full of trinkets, books, movies, postal cards too. Ben caught interest in it, especially the giant botanic encyclopaedia throning on her bookshelf. We both agreed after a while that she might be the ray of sunshine of her Specialist promotion. But I guess she was discreet, if you've never heard of her.»

It took some memory searching, but he indeed remembered one thing. A conversation between a bunch of 1st years talking about a secret party displaying famous First World movies. A few hours later, on the training field, (Y/N) battled fiercely. It caught the attention of many students, who gathered around the platform. Curiosity taking the best of him, he had followed the crowd.

« What's that First World song that I love to describe you with ?

-By the light Clairo, is it really necessary ? »

Her opponent mocked her. She rolled her eyes, wielding her sword before choosing her fight stance.

« You son of... Maneater from Nelly Furtado. Now let's fight please.

-Alright doll, eat me up. »

(Y/N) huffed in annoyance. Clairo was a good fighter, but a little bit too flirty. He launched himself at her. The young woman stayed incredibly calm. Dodging to the right, she left him to stumble before hitting his back with the wooden weapon. He fell to the ground with a grunt. A shy smile spread on her features.

Now that he thinks about it, her earring had intrigued him : an ear chain hanging from the top of the cartilage of her ear to her lobe. Each end was composed of a lavendish round lilac crystal. When she lost control recently, those crystals lit up with a blinding light and burned her skin.

« I change the earring every five year. Every year If any several big crises occurred.

-What about your burns ? How did they clean them up ? »

Her left hand ghosted over her intact lobe, while Harvey healed the bruised flesh. Her eyes stared at the floor of the greenhouse. Saul was holding her other hand.

« They... I stuffed myself with pills. Sometimes enough to sleep through an entire day. Within the Solarian force, it was the only way for them to treat me. None of their mind fairies could calm me down. I don't think you realize how much this, she lifted her intertwined hand, helps.»

The soldier chuckles at the memory. His eyes examined his fingers, remembering how she locked hers, as she found an anchor in his mind.

« My best guess ? Your training forged your head to have a certain mindset in crisis.

-Loads of Solarian troupers could have given you that.

-Yeah. I can't really explain it, she laughed shyly, maybe because you're a teacher, that two of your long time friends are fairies or just because you're good with people.»

Their gazes crossed. The air thickened. Truth to be told, (Y/N) was so lost upon why he managed to calm her down. Farah tried to guide her, but even then, nothing positive came out. Her youth as a student at Alfea only consisted in shared side glances with him in hallways. She sure as hell found the man attractive, but she had other stuff to think about.

A loud giggle snaps him back to reality. (Y/N) falls on his laps while trying to take off her high heels. Her eyes are opened wide and a little glassy. She's definitely drunk.

« Oh by the light, I'm sorry Silva. Aimed at the table ! »

The atmosphere becomes lighter. He catches her when she nearly trips off by trying to get up, one of his arms snaking around to help. Steadying herself on his laps, she catches her breath slowly, though some giggles erupt as she looks around.

« How can you still dance, uh ?»

With a guilty smile, she leans slightly against the table.

« Alcohol ! It's the only thing keeping me up, baby !»

Instant regret shoots through her veins. Some red creeps up on her cheeks, as her hands cover her mouth. The soldier chuckles, enamoured by her adorableness. One thing that strucked him when they met was her lightness. Out of all the solarian troupers out there, or even all the specialists he ever crossed paths with, she was one of the few who stayed so bright and playful. Subconsciously, his fingers dig slightly in her hips.

« It's alright, (Y/L/N).»

She giggles a bit, but thanks him. Farah watches from a far, joined by Ben. (Y/N)(Y/L/N) has been teaching at Alfea for a year now. The entire school seemed to have transformed into a much more joyous place : students got along better, the shyest opened a tad and the roughest softened. Ben's daughter Terra found a supporter of her personal projects and a confidant. Ben himself benefited from her return. Mostly in books and knowledge but that meant already so much to him. Farah gained a daughter ; (Y/N)'s powers were a mess for her advanced age, helping felt natural. But what she loved the most was how confused Saul got with the new Specialist. Their bond strengthened with time, however the first few days rocked the Headmaster all over the place.

«(Y/L/N), what did you do to our office ? Did you... Are these books classified by alphabetic order and colour ?! »

His colleague shrugged, trying to see if he was mad or just surprised. It happened a few days after her arrival. Their shared office went under few renovations.

« (Y/L/N), why dancing classes ? »

She shot up, put her hands on his desk and took twenty minutes to explain how it would make their movements more flexible, strengthen teamwork and be a tool for future mission on the job. Astonished could not describe Silva's feeling.

An admirable change that proved beneficial to the students. These two grew very fond of each other. A lot more than they thought. Words in the hallways started to spread about their growing fondness.

« Okay, I got a question for you, soldier boy.»

Saul tilted his head to the side.

« Are you having fun ?

-Of course I am.»

(Y/N) looks disappointed. Turning around, she pours some water in her cup and chugs it down.

« Really ? 'Cause the only thing I've seen you do is sit in a corner all night. »

He lowers his head, searching for the right words. How does he say that he just loves watching her run around the dancefloor ? How she bounds with students but also keeps their respect ? The fact that she's so organised that she could plan a First World themed party and keep her teacher skills to their best ? The shortest way for that would be admitting his feelings. He zones out long enough for her to talk again.

« It's okay. »

His eyes lock with hers. How did she sober up so quickly ?

« I know you have a reputation as a serious and frowny teacher to keep. And this is a graduation party, so. »

Never mind, she did not. The woman gets up, only to kneel under the tablecloth. He panics briefly.

« (Y/N), what on Earth are you doing ?»

She mumbles before appearing back outside. Her hands are holding a package. Another bright smile shines on her face. Silva knows what's coming, and he has mixed feelings about it; between fear, excitement and confusion.

« Happy Birthday Saul. »

His heart nearly stops. Few people know about his birthday, she is now a part of them. He frankly does not mind, even wished for it for a while now. His hands gently take the package to open it. Before his eyes lies a hard covered sketchbook and a wooden box full of high-quality pencils. The cover has a crow flying in a pearly sky with a red sun. The box is made of ebony and his name carved in silver. She knows an another of his secret. He tears up. The woman worries when he starts to sniffle. Much to her surprise, the soldier puts the gifts on the table before hugging her with all his might. Thank God the students are dancing or already out of the hall to smoke. (Y/N) answers his embrace, reassured.

« Thank you so much dear. »

It's her turn to have glossy eyes. She buries her face in his shoulder. This man is constantly under pressure and she has always wondered what he does during his free time : Does he train more ? He probably reads, right ? The answer came on a regular afternoon.

Silva knocked on her quarters' door. He heard shuffling before (Y/N) opened. She was wearing a bathrobe and a towel around her hair.

« Hi Saul ! Sorry hum. I woke up late and did not expect you so soon so, hum. »

The woman looked around, making her towel fall. Picking it up, she invited him in. He indulged, though a bit surprised.

« I'll be back in a jiffy, you know, putting some clothes on and all. Okay.»

She disappeared in her bathroom, leaving him to explore her room. Many watercolour paintings covered the walls, some abstract and others from the Realms of the Otherworld. However, a few landscapes felt unknown to him. On her desk lied sketches with a horde of different pencils. He discovered portraits of Farah, Ben, Terra, Sky, Riven and finally him. The lines were thin, some shadows sharp for the warriors and smoother for the fairies. A hint of jealousy took over him, quickly brushed away by shyness. The fact that she took the time to draw him was flattering. His fingers grazed over the pencils, wondering if he had time to prepare a little surprise. He puts down the file he came to discuss. A few minutes later, (Y/N) came out, dressed but her hair still wet on the edges. Silva was leaning against her desk, file in hand, a small smile on his features. She mirrored it before asking about the important matter at hand. Twenty minutes later, he left. Her eye caught a change in her drawing material : the portrait of Farah and Ben switched positions. She shuffled them, making sure everything was here, only to find an unknown piece. A cute fox was smiling, a little bubble under him stating :

« Nice Work (Y/L/N). Nice pencils too. Wish I had your talent.»

That last sentence made her wonder if he indeed had an artistic side. Needless to say that his quarters gave her answer. Same reason as his when he came, she knocked on his door one night. Though he did not fully invite her in, her eyes caught glimpses of nice sketches lying on a table, some rudimental equipment next to it.

They stay like this for a few seconds. The headmistress and Professor Harvey look at each other. No words, no need. Terra is chatting with a second year in a corner, bur her eyes catch them. She smiles, looking away shyly, but happy Sky sees the scene too, thanks to Riven who taps on his shoulder. They can't help the smile growing on their faces. Sky's father figure finding support is definitely going to be one of the highlights of their first year. (Y/N) and Saul part. One of her hands pats his arm.

« Wanna dance ? »

He closes his eyes, sighing. There is no lack of desire but the fear of what the students will say.

« I wish but... I don't know.

-I get it. But one day, you will ! That's a promise. »

With one last smile, she strolls back to the dancefloor, leaving him sheepish. He takes the sketchbook and a pencil. He might not dance tonight, but he'll make up to it.

[alldayangst]

love someone for loving you (Peter Parker)

All of my fics are LGBT and PoC friendly. Soulmate and uni AU.

PAIRING: Peter Parker x reader, Brad Davis x reader (for like, a second)

Warnings: Makeout sessions. Characters drink but they’re of age to do so in this fic. Peter says ACAB and if you disagree with that & can’t have a mature convo about it, then this isn’t the blog for you. This fic isn’t all the way accurate to the MCU timeline. Harry [Osborn] and MJ live in Queens. Betty, Flash, Ned, Brad, Peter and reader all attend NYU in Brooklyn.

Thank you for reading if you make it all the way to the end! Word count: 4.2K words.

Happy reading!

“You’re so fucking hot, y’know that?” You were making out with Brad in your dorm room, with the lights off. Brad was a nice enough guy. Had taken you out on a few dates. Told you your hair was pretty. Said he’d like to get to know you more. But you’re not as eager to take things further because something in your heart just knows he’s not your soulmate. And you’d like to wait a little while for the novelty to wear off before you did something you regretted and entered a relationship you’d known was doomed from the start. “So fucking hot.” Brad kissed along your neck, big sloppy wet ones that left saliva trails from his lips to your neck. 

You didn’t like that kind. 

And that was another reason you knew you and Brad weren’t destined, because your soulmate would just know what you like, know you like the back of their hand. Right? Right.

It’s then that Brad tries to take your jumper off, but your soulmate tattoo is on your ribcage, and in this world, letting someone see your soulmate tattoo is probably makes you more vulnerable than getting naked in front of them. You try to pull your jumper down, but Brad doesn’t get the hint and tries again. You place your hands on his chest. “Not today, Brad.”

You don’t see Brad again. And maybe Brad was your soulmate because he led you to Peter. But Peter definitely wasn’t your soulmate, and I’ll tell you why you know that.

“Y/N!” Betty waved as you stumbled back into the party, shoes placed on improperly and no part of you subtle to what you’d been doing with Brad in your room just a few minutes ago. “Not you out of your room so early!” Your room door slammed behind you as Brad left your room, jacket in hand.

“Didn’t get any?” Betty made a fake pout at you, smoke breezing past her face as you stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do as you found yourself in a circle with two of Betty’s friends she’d had yet to introduce you to. Sometimes, you wished Betty was your soulmate, but Betty made it clear before you signed the lease that you weren’t her type and truly, you couldn’t see yourself being anything more than friends. And you were the best of friends. Meaning she’d always be the first to comment heart eyes under your pictures and tell you to get that outfit because your booty was doing the thang in that pair of trousers. 

Things would just be easier, if they were easy.

But things weren’t handed on a silver plate for you like they were for others; where they’d been friends with their soulmates since childhood, or lived up the street from them or their soulmate saved their life or something else blindly obvious. And, desperate to find the gold in the treasure chest, you moved upstate to school at NYU. Because great minds and all that. You stood in perfect silence for a minute, chaos never ceasing to happen around you, before Betty decided to make the strangers next to her strangers no more. One shook your hand and said, “I’m Ned.” Oh. So this is who Betty had been raving about? Betty grimaced and placed her hands together to plead with you not to expose her consuming infatuation with her new boyfriend. In a bid to divert the focus, Betty patted the back of the slightly taller one next to Ned, with wispy brown hair and eyes like fresh, raw cocoa. “I’m Peter, nice to meet you.” He shook your hand.

“I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you guys.” You sway your attention back to Ned with a smirk on your face, Betty clutching her solo cup a little too hard, her inner monologue begging you to knock it off. You knew Betty was going to get you back for this, but you needed somewhere else to fixate your gaze since you weren’t sure you could trust yourself not to ogle at Peter. With Brad’s saliva on your neck and having only known him for all of twenty seconds, you weren’t sure if Peter would take to any romantic advances. You weren’t even sure if he’d met his soulmate. “So, I’ve heard a lot about you, Ned.”

“All good I hope.” Ned replies and the room glints with his boyish grin.

“Well-” You didn’t get to finish your sentence, and it was probably for the better. Betty grabbed Ned’s arm, vodka making tiny puddles on the floor, with a huge fake smile plastered on her face. In turn, that only gave you a great, genuine smile, loving to tease your friend. “Baby! We should go to another side of the party!”

“What about Peter?” Ned’s voice was getting lost in the jungle of party goers. “Peter can come.” Peter turned to go follow his friend, but not before mumbling a low, “See you around, Y/N.”, snaking his arms around your back, pulling you in for a quick hug. “See you around, Peter.” 

He didn’t reply. Peter could only give you a thin lipped smile, packaged with a lazy half-nod before he was absorbed by the population around him, just as his friend was. And you cursed yourself that night for not taking your chances and saying more.

History was an 8am class, your only class in the morning. You woke with a a dull ache in your head and a dark mark on your neck that lasted longer than your relationship with the guy that gave it to you. The last thing you wanted was to run into Brad. But destiny offered you the next best thing.

“Oh. Hi, Flash.” You attempted to cover your face with your copy of Romeo & Juliet - if your soulmate was here, the last person you wanted them to see you with was Flash Thompson. Flash was walking backwards as you were walking forwards, unamused by his efforts to corner you. “Can we talk, Y/N?” Flash was Brad’s best friend, so you knew you were in for trouble.

“Can’t Brad speak to me himself? His mouth was working last night.”

“I can see that Y/N. Nice hickey.” You cringed, and Flash could tell he was running out of time to bemuse you. “Brad doesn’t want to bother you if you’re not interested-”

“Oh, so you decide to bother me instead.” You remark, and hop over a couple of steps so Flash had to awkwardly speed up.

“I just wanted to ask where you and him stood. Like, are you breaking up with him? I thought you had a pretty good thing going on.” His pace started to slow again as you slowly ascended up some of the last sets of steps. “I mean, seriously Y/N? What if you guys were soulmates? I wouldn’t wanna give up so easily.”

“That’s true.” You looked down at your sneakers. You hated this version of the world you lived in. Everything was driven by concepts, whether it be the concept of soulmates or the concept of time that left your campus filled with students five years older than they really were, or the concept of good and evil that spawned superheroes who you weren’t sure did more damage to the world than they gave back.

Overall, the concept of fate was once you had to always wrestle with. And you thought that maybe yours was standing at the top of the steps to rescue you from this conversation, ready to make Brad feel the trip of the guilt he and his friend tried to make you feel for not feeling the same way. “Y/N! We have class, c’mon!” Peter waved his goggles at the top of the steps, a knowing smile on his face as Flash looked up at him and glared. 

Peter just had to steal his thunder on a sunny day.

You ran to meet Peter at the top of the steps. “Thank you for bailing me out. You’re a hero.”

Peter was startled. “Who, what, when, where, me?” He scratched the back of his neck and gave you an uncomfortable, stammered loop of laughter. “Hero? Not me. I’m just good ol’ Peter.”

You chuckled as you breathed out another ‘thank you’ and returned the hug Peter had left un-exchanged last night. “I’m guessing you have bio?”

“Guilty as charged. So what’s your major?”

“English Lit.”

“Oo, how long are you planning to work at Starbucks?” Peter remarked as he held to the main door open for you. “Peter?” He hummed in response. “Fuck you.”

You sat next to Betty in History, the professor droning on about something that made you question why you continued to take History, but as your best friend snatched your book from you, you were reminded. “Star crossed lovers, eh?” Betty skimmed through the fights and the love scenes that all culminated to the uncertainty whether Romeo and Juliet were even supposed to be together. 

“Seems like you and Ned these days, huh.” You couldn’t believe that it had taken Betty three months to allow you to meet Ned, nevermind his cute friend. Ever since the ‘boyfriend’ label had been slapped on their little love affair a month and a half ago, you were beginning to see less and less of your best friend. It felt like two people paying for a single household, and with your lease ending in a short time, you worried Betty would almost evaporate from your life completely.

“Almost.” Betty tried to keep it hush, sheepishly grinning, but gave in completely in record time. “We said we’re gonna show each other our tattoos tonight!” She squealed, another student shushing her from the row above.

“Woah, that’s big!” It genuinely felt as if the wind had been knocked out of you. You realised you’d never gotten as far as Ned and Betty without either you or you partner showing your soulmate tattoo; and when they were never the same, you broke it off. “What if they’re not the same?”

“They will be.” Betty smiled. “I’m sure of it.”

Two loners getting together was never a recipe for success. Betty had given over your number to Ned, who handed it over to Peter, who’d texted you asking for you to come over: ‘wanna make it up to me for this morning at the steps? my bestie is with your bestie, so u wanna get pizza? do you like pineapple?’ 

Sure enough, you were over at Ned & Peter’s within ten minutes, Peter swinging the door open dressed in a tight red and blue top, a hoodie sparsely covering it, with an overexcited greeting of “Mi casa es su casa!”

The energy wasn’t returned. Not just yet. You had to be sure of something first. “Don’t tell me that there’s an American flag top under that hoodie.” Peter looks down at his Spidey suit which he’d completely forgotten he had on between scaling the ceiling in anxious anticipation of your text back. “Having such a boner for the USA is kind of a turn off.”

Peter started cussing under his breath and quickly turned to zip his hoodie all the way up. When he turns back to you, it’s word vomit. “I’m not saying I don’t love this country, I mean, I love Queens. I mean-”

You raise your eyebrows, curious to see where Peter would go with this. “The NYPD fucking hates me,”

“And what would they want with your little ass?” You walk into the apartment. He’d never admit it, but Peter kind of likes the way you bust his balls. It puts him on the spot, makes him want to tell the truth to you about who he really is.

“I mean, I can’t really say-”

“OK. I don’t wanna be an accessory to anything so,” You laugh. “I won’t push. ACAB.” There’s a thud that follows you closing the door. 

“I agree. ACAB.”

A few hours pass with Peter and he’s beginning to unravel. He shows you the photos he’s taken over the years, several of them featuring a fair haired boy you’d never seen around campus before. “Is he your soulmate?”

Peter nearly chokes on the coffee he’d prepared for himself. “No. Harry? In his dreams.” He sets his mug down. “No, uh, that’s my friend. He lives back home in Queens.”

“You say back home like Queens isn’t a 10 minute drive from where we are.”

“Yeah. But it’s not right here.” You weren’t sure if you’d bruised Peter’s feelings, so you move onto another photo. There’s a polaroid that makes a thin pile with another on the table.

It’s the New York City skyline, from all the way up.

“How’d you get a photo from all the way up here?” Peter grabs the photo underneath it, but not before you catch a glimpse. The glossy paper is adorned with an image of a beautiful girl, black necklace around her neck, the scribbles underneath her photo reading ‘MJ, Pre-blip’.

You think this girl is too gorgeous to just be a friend.

But judging by the way Peter reacted when you suggested Harry was the same, you kept quiet. He didn’t want you to see it anyway. 

“I’m really sticky and I climb up walls.” Peter being Peter is relieved he told you the truth, even if you didn’t know it.

“You’re weird, kid.” You thought you were being smooth, but you couldn’t help the way you look at his lips like they hold the answer to every question you’d had in your life.

“Uh-huh. But you like a bit of weird. Maybe Brad was too square for you.”

“Huh?”

“Huh.”

And then when you and Peter kiss, you suddenly understand what poets mean when they call your lips jigsaw puzzles, because yours and Peter’s slot perfectly together. And you get why there’s all these love songs on the radio, and you feel the Earth shift in your mind and you just know this is the unmistakeable indicator that Peter is your soulmate. Another reason you and Peter are destined, when he goes to kiss your neck, it’s like soft little hot touches. 

You liked that kind. 

And a soulmate would just know that, know you like the back of their hand. Right? Right.

Peter rests his forehead on your own, lips swollen. “I don’t want to go anywhere, don’t wanna do anything you don’t wanna do.”

You and Peter cuddle for the rest of the night on his sofa, Ned and Betty doing the same on yours. And the novelty picks back up like clockwork.

“Peter? What if we aren’t soulmates?” you groaned, Peter’s hand on your head, keeping you snug to his chest. You and Peter had been dating close to two months now, Ned and Betty moving to five. In any other relationship, you would’ve called this phase The Ticking Time Bomb. You toyed with the black dahlia that sat perfectly between his pecs. Peter had been to Queens last week. He’d retrieved his necklace from the girl in the photo, MJ. She was an old friend, he said. Him and her? Not meant to be. Maybe in another life, he’d say. Another timeline. Then he’d gesture between the two of you. This. This is meant to be. Us.

Peter shrugged. “What if we weren’t?” Peter had an almost permanent bandage on his ribcage, exactly where your soulmate tattoo was. Where and how Peter got injured was a mystery to you, and he’d never dare tell you no matter how much you pushed. It almost made you wonder if he was keeping any more secrets from you.

You propped yourself up, both hands on his chest. 

“I couldn’t move back in with Betty. She and Ned are soulmates, they need their privacy.”

“Who said you’d ever to move back in with Betty?”

“I couldn’t afford to live by myself, Peter. Not everyone had a Stark internship in high school.”

“Who said you’d have to move out at all?”

“If we’re not soulmates-” Peter moved your hands from his chest and wrapped them around your waist, pulling you in for a loving kiss. “What have I told you? You and me, we’re meant to be. Us.”

But you didn’t have the tattoos to prove it. 

You and Betty were sitting in History class, ignoring the professor’s droning as per usual. Betty had this beaming smile on her face and you were sure if she didn’t say what was on her mind soon, she was going to explode all over someone’s Henry VIII’s notes.

“Betty?”

“Yeah?” She shrieked with scarlet cheeks.

“Spill.”

Betty let out a breath. “Well, since you insisted.” You couldn’t help but smile at your best friend. “I think Ned might propose tonight!”

“I feel like you should be taking me out to dinner before you dump all this load on me.”

Betty’s eyes glazed over, obviously too excited to contain her emotions. “What about you and Peter? The tattoos must match up since you’ve stayed around this long.”

“Actually, I-”

Betty makes an O face at you, which told you she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “C’mon. You haven’t played I’ll Show You Mine if you Show Me Yours?” Betty was in awe. “Y/N! You must really like him.” 

You did really like Peter. That was the issue. You weren’t ready to feel jaded if your tattoos didn’t match up like they all inevitably did in the past. You felt something different for Peter. Betty was right. That was why you stuck around this long. “Hey Betty, is my old room still my room if things between me and Peter don’t work out?”

“Of course, Y/N! I’m here for you til’ the end of the line.” Betty pulled you into a great, big hug.

“OK. Session dismissed.” Your professor echoed. “Everyone can go. Y/N and Betty, stay after please.”

You’d gotten kicked off of History, which was bittersweet. Seeing as History was Betty’s major, your professor had to keep her there - but he was sure ‘she’d flourish once you two were separated.’  

You and Betty walked out of the main entrance, Ned and Peter both waiting for you under the shelter at the top of the steps. Seasons had changed. It was far from the summer day Peter had to spotted you on the way to class. “We’re gonna run in, drink some cocoa. We’ll catch you guys later.” Ned shivered as Betty re-engulfed him in his jacket she’d been holding for the scent. 

Love was weird, but you wanted so bad to be a part of it.

You turned to Peter beside you. “And what are we gonna do?”

“Swinging.”

“Peter, I don’t swing. I’m perfectly happy in our relationship.”

Peter held onto your waist, your head nuzzled into his neck, not daring to look down at the city below you. This was the first time you’d ever experienced something like this, no doubt, but Peter was getting a strange sense of deja vu.

“Y/N!” You didn’t move from your place in his neck, but he knew you could hear him. “I love you. I trust you.”

“You’re-” You didn’t trust yourself to speak. “Fucking.” You opened one eye just to be sure you weren’t dreaming. “Spiderman!”

“I’m something more important: your boyfriend.”

Leave it to Peter Parker to get all sappy with you in the middle of the sky. 

You opened both your eyes now. “What about my soulmate?”

“What?” Startled, Peter lost controls of his webs for a moment, and knocked his rib on the side of a building. Luckily for you, you were lower to the ground.

‘Injury detected,’ Peter’s AI, Karen, stated.

“Yeah, I know, Karen.” Peter stated.

“Is it right there, babe?” Peter nodded, sat on the concrete, and pressed the spider in the middle of his suit. You watched as it became loose.

Your eyes flickered to the bandage on his ribcage. Maybe you had your answers as to how Peter always seemed to be hurt, but you needed your ultimate answer. And it was behind the bandage. “Right here, are you sure babe?”

You were on edge. You weren’t sure what you’d do if fate didn’t allow this to be true. For the sake of your heart.

So you peeled back the bandage.

And you found nothing there but a series of bruises. Your heart was crushed. “Nothing, Peter. There’s nothing there.” You had tears in your eyes, and before long you were ugly crying. This wasn’t a case of the novelty wearing off. This was a case of the novelty being broken down ‘til it can’t function no more.

“That’s a good thing baby, maybe I just need to go to a hospital.”

“No, I mean it Peter! There’s nothing there!” You pull up your heart to reveal a half full shirt printed on your body twenty one years ago, this exact heart only belonging to one other person in the world. But it wasn’t Peter. Even though he had just told you he loved you. “Fuck!” Your voice became incomprehensible, drowned out in tears and squeaks of sorrow. “I’m so sorry, but we can’t see each other any more. T-there is someone out there for me. You need to understand.”

And, unsure if your legs would take you all the way, you made your journey to Betty.

When you made it to Betty’s, she stood in the doorway with a rock on her finger. You couldn’t see that, though, through your tear blurred vision.

“Oh, poor baby.” She immediately embraced you, with Ned circling to your side to group hug you. You sniff into her shoulder. “He’s not-we’re not-”

“My darling.” She pauses. “I’m hoping you got the first month’s rent.” She laughed and you laughed before she pulled you back in her embrace and allowed you to feel what you needed to feel.

It’s often underestimated how miserable you need to be in order to cry yourself to sleep. You didn’t even know you did until you woke in your old room, your old band poster replaced by a calendar titled ‘Ned and Betty Forever’ and you laughed because Ned and Betty hadn’t even known each other longer than than six calendar months.

And you missed your windowsill on which you’d perch and overlook the breathtaking view of Brooklyn, and the even more awe-inspiring view of NYU students hurling after one too many, especially after yours and Betty’s parties.

“Do you guys even clean this room?” You called out. “You got a serious case of cobwebs.”

Peter lowered himself to meet your view. You were about to draw the blinds on him, only to realise Betty and Ned had gotten them removed whilst you were living with Peter.

“Hear me out.”

“I have no choice.” You chew on the flesh of your cheek. “You took a while to find me.”

“You left me for dead.”

It was hard to beat that one.

“Peter, if you have something to say, say it.”

“I’m sorry.” he’s swinging upside down, side to side and it slightly amuses you to think he’s getting dizzy if the last three months were at your expense. “I know how much this soulmate bullshit means to you, and I kept you longer than you would’ve liked. I’m also sorry ‘cause I knew I wasn’t your soulmate from the start.”

You gasp.

“But I wouldn’t in a billion years say that either you or I belong to someone else. MJ is my soulmate, yes. I love her with all my heart, but I believe destiny can change in the same world where people disappear for five years. MJ moved on. I’ve moved on. Who cares about a stupid tattoo? People go to parlours and give themselves their own all the time. People get them removed all the time. I’m getting my black dahlia erased.” Your face softens a little bit at that, you guard slightly down, but you refuse to wave a white flag without first making your point.

You rubbed your rib cage. “I care.”

“Y/N, you’re smarter than to deny what you feel. You’re an English major, studying Romeo and Juliet. You understand the world better than I do, and I’ve been to 600 different versions of it. You have a heart half full on your ribcage and I have half a flower on my foot. Tell me, would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?” 

You know the answer’s the same one Betty gave Ned tonight when he got down on one knee, the same response you’d give Peter if he was to ask you the same question, what you’d tell anyone if they queried if you’d go through what you went with Peter all over again.

You pull down his mask, and look deep into both of Peter’s eyes, and still him from swinging. “Love someone for loving you for a change.”

And you don’t have to say it, Ned and Betty hiss it out for you not so subtly from the windowsill in the livingroom. “Yes!”

So when you and Peter kiss, it’s not about novelties or concepts, fate or tomorrow, it’s just the beautiful bliss that is love, in this moment.

The unmistakable indicator that you and Peter are meant to be.

Fin.

Credit for the gif goes to: @/tomhollandnet

Masterlist

Upcoming Works

[hxlyhead-harpies]

What You Want (R.L.)

Hello everyone! The lovely @serenefreakgeek​ requested a Remus Lupin x Hufflepuff!Reader so here it is! I hope you like it!

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Summary: One night on prefect rounds, Remus convinces the reader that they can be more than they always thought

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: Injuries

Since you had stepped foot into Hogwarts first year, you knew that you were going to be a prefect. When the tall and beautiful Gryffindor prefect had escorted you to the Great Hall after you exited the train, you knew that you wanted to be just like her. She was regal and had an air of sophistication about her. And as a small eleven year old she had seemed impossibly grown up.

So as your years at school wore on, you did your best to prove yourself to be prefect material. You were always fighting to be the top of your class and were an exemplary example of a rule following student. It was simply in your nature to be good.

So when you were chosen to be a Hufflepuff prefect in your fifth year, you were not surprised, but you were overjoyed, to say the least.

Rounds were your favorite part of being a prefect. You loved walking through the old castle at night when the hallways were empty and quiet. Your school was always beautiful, but its beauty really shone in the darkness of twilight. And you enjoyed spending time with other prefects. You liked having conversations with like-minded individuals and it only made your nights better.

On this particular night, you were assigned to complete rounds with none other than Remus Lupin. You frowned when you read the name. You were confused as to how he even became a prefect in the first place. Yes, he was incredibly intelligent and kind, but he was also a part of a group that was famous for the havoc they wrecked on the school. You had to take house points away from his friends multiple times. And you cursed the rule that prefects couldn’t dock points from other prefects when you had caught him involved in some elaborate scheme to flood Filch’s office. You simply couldn’t understand how he had earned the position and in all honesty, you were a bit peeved that he had.

You had worked incredibly hard to become a prefect. Hours of late-night studying and painfully following rules even if they didn’t make sense, all in the name of becoming what you wanted. It almost felt like an insult when a prankster like him got the position handed to him on a silver platter.

So when you found yourself wandering the halls with him, you weren’t exactly sure what to say to him. You had always had an easy time talking to people, a true Hufflepuff virtue that you possessed, but with Remus, you were stumped. You couldn’t imagine that you had anything in common with a rouge like him.

After nearly a half-hour of silence, Remus spoke up.

“So how are you enjoying the year so far?” he asked. It was an awkward question, the kind you ask when you need to break the ice but can’t find a way how to.

“It’s fine so far,” you answered, “but I am stressed about the O.W.Ls,” you admitted. Remus hummed in agreement from beside you.

“I agree, it’s been stressful,” he said. You nodded awkwardly and another bout of silence fell over you both.

“So what are you planning on doing after we leave school?” you asked. You internally cringed as you said it; you hated being asked this question but you were arriving at the age where it was all that adults asked. Remus let out a sigh that let you know he also hated the topic and you mentally facepalmed.

“I’m not sure if I’m being completely honest,” he said with a chuckle, “but I think I might like to teach.” You crinkled your nose at his words.

“What?” he asked, confused by your reaction.

“You just don’t seem like the type,” you explained, “always running around and pulling jokes with your friends.” Remus laughed at your response.

“I guess you could say I’m three dimensional. Yes, I love a good joke here and there, but I love to learn,” he said, “and we’ve never really spoken so I’m not sure if you really know what ‘type’ I am.” You flushed at his words.

“Sorry,” you apologized in embarrassment.

“It’s alright. What about you?” he asked.

“Huh?” you responded, unsure of what he was asking. He chuckled again.

“What do you want to do when we leave school?” he asked, repeating your question. You felt your blush deepen. How come you kept embarrassing yourself in front of him?

“I want to take over my parent’s shop,” you said. Remus’s eyes lit up with curiosity.

“Oh, that’s cool! What kind of shop is it?” he inquired.

“It’s a bookshop,” you explained, “it’s in Diagon Alley.”

“Wait is it Flourish and Blotts?” he asked excitedly. You nodded shyly.

“Yeah. It’s been passed down through my family for a few generations,” you explained.

“That’s so cool,” he said earnestly, sending you a smile. You felt yourself grow warm. Remus seemed to have an effect on you and you weren’t sure if you liked it.

“Yeah, it is,” you said softly, “my brothers aren’t interested in taking over so it’s up to me.” You shrugged slightly. Remus’s smile dropped slightly at your words.

“So are you being forced to take over?” he asked. You furrowed your eyebrows as you continued to walk down the hallway.

“No not forced. It’s just that it’s what I’m supposed to do,” you answered. Remus was silent for a moment.

“But is it what you want to do?” he asked after a beat. You frowned. No one had ever questioned your potential career path before. They usually just accepted it when you said you were going to take over the family business.

“I think so,” you answered, “though I’ve never really thought about before. I’ve just always known that I was going to do it.” Remus nodded.

“Well, you shouldn’t feel obligated. You should do whatever you feel like doing, not just what people expect of you,” he said wisely. You walked in silence for a moment as you processed what he said. You were surprised that he spoke so candidly with you and you were shocked that he seemed to be able to read you so well after barely an hour together. As both of you traveled further down the hallways you were lost in deep thought, mulling over his words.

Suddenly, footsteps could be heard from a classroom to your right. Remus lightly grabbed your arm, sending sparks through your body from his touch, and nodded to the classroom. You both walked towards the room and opened the door. You cast a quick lumos to see into the darkened room. Two third years sat at a desk, looking up at you like deer caught in the headlights. It was very clear what they had been doing; their clothes were rumpled at their hands were still clutching each other. Remus cleared his throat.

“Come on now, off to bed,” he said, “Ten points from Ravenclaw.” The two third years stood up, guilty expressions lining their faces. They shuffled out quietly, holding hands as they went. You and Remus waited for them to be out of sight before bursting out laughing.

“Oh my Godric!” you exclaimed, gasping for air.

“Their faces!” Remus wheezed. You were suddenly struck by how beautiful his laugh was. It was a deep rumbling laugh, one that caused warmth to spread through your body simply from hearing it. It was the kind of laugh that made jokes sound funnier and moments seem happier. And in the bright light emitting from your wand, he looked nearly as beautiful as his laugh sounded. His hair was mussed and out of place, his eyes crinkled as he laughed. The scars that ran down his cheeks added ruggedness to his features that juxtaposed the softness of his eyes and his demeanor. You had never really noticed his beauty before. It was the quiet kind of beautiful that snuck up on you when you were least expecting it. In all honesty, you had never paid him much mind before. His prankster friends were the exact type of people you tried to avoid, so in the process, you had seemingly avoided him.

After a moment your laughs began to dissolve, causing a comfortable silence to fall. The two of you looked at each other, smiles still wide across your faces.

“A healer,” you said after a beat. Remus furrowed his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If I could be what I wanted,” you explained, “I would be a healer.” Remus’s grin only grew.

“Then you should be one,” he said. You shrugged.

“Someone has to take over the shop,” you said with a wave of your hand.

“Doesn’t mean it has to be you,” he said. You just crossed your arms across your chest.

“I don’t know who else could do it,” you admitted, “I’ve been groomed for it my whole life.”

“Pass it off to some cousin,” he said cheekily, causing you to smile.

“Possibly,” was all you responded with.

As your years at Hogwarts continued you didn’t see Remus very much. You were in different houses and ran in separate social circles. But that didn’t stop you from staring at him across the great hall or doodling your name with his in the margins of your potions notes. And you always kept his words in the back of your head. They were the silent motivation to follow your dreams and live the life that you actually wanted. You still saw Remus when you attended your prefect duties and occasionally on rounds. You spent every second with him trying to memorize his features and gauge how he felt about you. But you only seemed to ever remain acquaintances. And when you were appointed the job as the Hufflepuff headgirl, you were sorely disappointed when Remus didn’t make headboy. And the day that you told your parents that you didn’t want to take over the shop and that you wanted to pursue a career in healing, you wished that you could run to him and thank him.

When you left Hogwarts you continued to work to become what you wanted. Soon, you got a job at St. Mungos. The life that you had built for yourself three years out of school was everything you could’ve hoped for. You had a small but cozy flat in London and a cat and the job of your dreams. But it still felt as if something was missing.

St. Mungos was slow tonight. Barely anyone had come in. You had fixed a broken bone for a child who had fallen off of their broom and had confirmed to a smiling woman that she was pregnant.

Shortly after nine, you were called into a room to heal a large wound. You opened the door as you read the chart. The man had a large gash in his abdomen. It was truly nothing serious but it would require several spells and ointment to relieve the pain.

“Hello! I’m (Y/n) (L/n) and I’ll be helping you tonight,” you said, still looking down at the chart.

“(Y/n)?” a shocked voice said. You looked up and met eyes with the man you hadn’t been able to get out of your mind since you had graduated.

“Remus?” you said breathily. He smiled warmly at you and nodded.

“You did it!” he exclaimed, “You became a healer!” You smiled at his excited tone.

“Would it be weird to say that I owe it to you?” you asked with a small smile. He just shook his head.

“You don’t owe anything to me you did it all on your own,” he said, his warm eyes looking into yours. You looked back down at the chart in an attempt to hide your blush.

“It’s good to see you, Remus,” you said softly. He moved slightly, as if in an attempt to get up, but winced in pain and clutched his side. You snapped back into focus, remembering suddenly why you were there and went to work.

The cut was easily fixed, though you couldn’t help but wonder how he got it. When you asked he just waved you off and mumbled out an excuse about falling. And as you worked, you tried to ignore how your hands burned as they grazed across his bare stomach. After a short while, he was all patched up.

“There you go,” you said as you finished rubbing on the final ointment. “It will probably leave a scar but it will heal.” Remus nodded, used to the idea of scars adorning his body.

“You’re great at this you know,” he said with a cute smile on his face.

“Oh stop,” you said with a blush, playfully waving him off.

“No, I’m serious. You were made for this,” he said, cocking his head. His eyes seemed to study you for a moment and you felt self conscious under his gaze. You began packing up your equipment but felt his eyes on you as you walked about the room.

“You’re all set to leave if you’d like,” you said finally, saddened that he would be leaving, afraid that you’d never cross paths again. Instead of making a move to leave, however, Remus simply asked you a question.

“Would you like to go out for dinner with me?” he asked, still seated on the examination table. You froze, unsure of what to say.

“Huh?” you let out after a moment. Remus smiled before pushing off the table and making his way across the room to you and grabbing your hand.

“You don’t have to say yes but I’ve been wanting to ask you that since we first went on rounds together,” he confessed, “but I was too nervous to say anything back then but I can’t bear the thought of leaving here and never seeing you again.” Your jaw went slack at his confession but you quickly caught yourself and smiled.

“Of course I’d love to go to dinner with you,” you said softly. Remus’s smile only grew.

“Perfect,” he murmured before bringing your hand to his lips and kissing it gently. You nearly melted.

“I get off in thirty if you’re free tonight,” you said nervously.

“Darling for you, I’ll always be free.”

[jaesqueso]

Rain

pairing: toxic boyfriend!hendery x fem!reader

summary: You finally decide it’s time to say goodbye and on the way you reminisce about how it all started. And how it ended.

(moodboard)

word count: 2,074

warnings: angst, strong language, cheating, domestic violence, death

a/n: I originally thought of this for a music video but since I’m just a simple girl living a simple life I turned it into an actual story. do remember this a fanfiction, I’m not saying Hendery is this type of person! do give me some feedback please! ❤︎

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

You wake up as the sun shines in your face through the window. You get up and go to the bathroom to take a shower. You don’t even bother checking the time, there’s really only one thing you need to do today. You get dressed in the darkest clothes you own that contrast with the bright day outside. You look in the mirror and take a deep breath. Today is the day you let go.

You grab your purse and as you open the door you notice the umbrella standing against the wall. You look at the window and there isn’t a single cloud in the sky. But you still take it with you. You walk down the street, sunglasses hiding your tired eyes. Your steps are not too fast, you know that you have to finally do this but you want to take your time. You know you’re not going to back down, as you’ve been doing for the last two weeks. Today it ends.

As you pass the park you remember when you first meet him.

⭐︎

Three years and two months ago

“Hey! Watch were you’re going-” You started scolding however bumped into you but stopped when you saw his startled expression.

“I’m so sorry!” He apologised as he removed his headphones. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You look down and check your camera to see if you at least got the shot you’ve been trying to get for the last twenty minutes.

“Wow, those look amazing!” He glanced at the little screen in your hands checking your work.

“Oh, thanks.” You awkwardly smiled at the nosy stranger.

“Are you a photographer?” He curiously asked.

“Not yet, I’m still finishing my degree. These are actually for a school project.” You explained as he was showing interest in your favourite subject in the world. You could talk about photography for hours.

“Nice! I bet you’ll the best in class with those pictures.” He genuinely smiled and you suddenly felt shy. “Are they going to be displayed anywhere?”

“Well, by the end of the semester there will be an exhibition on campus. You should drop by.” You gulped as maybe you’re being too straight forward with this person you’ve never met before.

“I would love to.” He smiled and extended his hand. “I’m Hendery.”

“Y/N.” You shook his hand returning the smile.

⭐︎

And he did came to the exhibition like he said he would. Until then you had exchanged texts, calls and even went on a few dates. At the time you were amazed by him, everything you learned about him just made you fall more and more.

⭐︎

Three years ago

“You made it!” You smiled and walked to Hendery giving him a warm hug.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He hugged you tightly before letting go. “This is for you.”

“For me?” You gasped as he extended a single red rose your way.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d like to receive a bouquet so I thought just one would spare me some embarrassment.” He scratched the back of his neck looking down with a shy smile.

“That is so thoughtful, thank you Hendery.” You took the rose as you felt your cheeks burning up.

You showed him around the gallery until you were in front of that photograph you were trying to take the day you met. He pampered you with compliments on your work the whole time and you felt like your heart could burst at any minute. Unfortunately a couple of hours later he had to leave so you accompanied him outside.

“Thank you so much for coming, it means a lot to me.” You bit your lip. “And for the rose of course.”

“My pleasure.” He flashed you a nervous smile.

“What?” You asked curiously.

“I have something I want to ask you but I’m afraid your answer will break my heart.” He mutters as he looks down at his shoes.

“Hendery,” you took his hand and squeezed lightly, “I would never break your heart.”

“Will you be my girlfriend then?” You gasped at his words. “I’m sorry, it’s ok if don’t like me back-”

“Yes!” You wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him closer to give him the first of many kisses you would share along the years.

⭐︎

You smile at the memory of what was one of the best days in your life. You always choose to remember the happy moments you spent with him. The dates, the smiles, the laughs, the I love you’s and the promises, even though they were bound to be broken.

In your relationship you loved and you hurt each other, but you would always find a away to make up and get back into each others arms. He proved to be more than you could handle but you couldn’t let him go because you weren’t perfect and also made a lot of mistakes. But you always forgave each other and promised to be better. Unfortunately some things never change.

You kept walking to your destination but stop as you pass by your favourite bakery. As much as you’d like, the memories you try so hard to forget always find their way back.

⭐︎

Two weeks ago

“I’ll take the pink one please.” You ordered a small cake in his favourite colour for your third anniversary together.

As the lady behind the counter carefully puts it in a box wrapping it with a silk ribbon you sigh. Yet again he forgot an important date in your relationship. You had been taken things easy on him as you’d been fighting a lot lately because he’s always working and never has time for you, so you just decided to surprise him with a nice gesture and maybe you could forget everything and have a nice evening with him.

You walked back to your shared apartment, cake in your hands and a smile on your face. It was a beautiful day as the last rays of sunshine lit up the streets. He wasn’t picking up your calls or replying to your texts but you wouldn’t let that affect you today, he was probably glued to the couch playing video games with his friends, lost in the virtual world.

You opened the door and was surprised when you didn’t see him in the living room so you tried the bedroom. As you walked through the corridor you heard muffled sounds but ignore them as you admire the pictures on the wall that decorate the hallway along with that one you took on your first encounter.

“Hendery-” You gasp as you open the bedroom door, dropping the cake on the floor.

⭐︎

You look up at the sky as clouds gather above you in all different shades of grey. You open up the umbrella you brought and open it over your head as the first drops of rain fall from the sky.

And in the blink of an eye a beautiful sunny day turned into a gloomy rainy disaster. Just like in that day.

⭐︎

“Y/N!“ He pushed the girl on top of him on the bed as he looked at you. “It’s not what it looks like, I can explain-”

“Fuck you, Hendery!” You walked out and headed towards the living room.

“Babe wait!” You heard him shout as he tumbled on his feet to put some sweatpants and a t-shirt on and go after you.

“Don’t fucking call me babe now!” You gathered your things and walked to the door.

“Please, let me explain!” He stepped in front of the door to block your exit.

“What is there to explain? I’m pretty sure I know what I saw!” You screamed. “In our fucking bed, Hendery! At least have the decency to take your whores somewhere else!”

“Like you do?” He defied you.

“Oh so I’m the bad guy now?” You walked back into the living room not wanting to look him the face.

“You are!” You shot him a death glare as he continued excusing himself. “You’re acting like you are so perfect but you fuck up too! You hooked up with my best friend of all people!”

“It was a fucking game Hendery! Don’t act like your seven minutes in heaven with that random girl where all that innocent!” You yelled.

“That was a year ago!” He walked in your direction.

“Oh you want something more recent? How about that fucking slut in our bedroom right now?” You pointed to the hallway.

“She means nothing, she’s just a co-worker-” He shrugged his shoulders which made even more mad.

“A co-worker?” You interrupted him, tired of his excuses. “So she’s the reason why you always stay late at work now? Shit, I should’ve know.”

“And who are you to talk about co-workers when you keep texting that fucking guy?” He raised his voice again.

“He’s my assistant! We need to talk about work!” You widened your eyes in disbelief.

“Your assistant, right. I bet he assists you in everything you need-” He stoped as you slapped his face. He took his hand to his cheek and looked you dead in the eye. He grabbed you by the neck and pushed you into a wall. “How do you fucking dare hit me?”

“You can hurt me whenever you want but I can’t give you a slap when you’re talking shit?” You muttered struggling as he restrained your breathing. A few seconds later he let you go off his grip and you dropped your hands to your knees taking in as much air as you could. “Why do we do this to each other?” You asked as you get back up.

“I don’t know.” He sat in the couch with his hands on his head.

“Why did you have to do this in our anniversary of all days?” You shook your head, as if him cheating on you another day would make a difference.

“Our anniversary?” He looked at you in surprise.

“Just another one you forgot. And to think I was willing to forgive you-“ You stopped as you saw the girl from before peeking through your bedroom door. “But I’m done Hendery, I don’t need this, I don’t need you.”

“You don’t need me?” He got up again, eyes filled with anger and fists clenched. “You have someone else to go to now? A fucking bitch like you will never find someone better than me.”

You were about to slap him again but he quickly held your wrist while his other fist landed in your cheek.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to do that-” He let go off your wrist and took a step back widening his eyes.

“Fuck you, Hendery! I never want to see you again! I wish you were dead!” And with that you stormed out of the apartment.

“Y/N, wait!” You heard him yelling as he came after you.

When you got outside it was raining hard which made your vision even blurrier as tears were already forming in your eyes. You ran, not really knowing where you were going but you knew he was right behind you as you heard your name being called over and over again.

You crossed a street not even checking for any cars but as you reached the other side you stopped your steps as you heard a car braking and hitting something.

No, it couldn’t be…

⭐︎

You stop walking and take a deep breath. This is it the place you’ve been avoiding but it’s time. It’s time to let go, it’s time to set yourself free. It was not your fault.

You enter the cemetery and search for his grave.

“Hi, Hendery.” You whisper as if you don’t want anyone to hear it, only him, wherever he is. Your eyes start watering as a single tear rolls down your cheek. “I’m sorry.”

You squat down and lay a red rose next to his gave stone.

“We were never good together, and we knew it. I’m sorry that we let things get this far. I’m sorry that I didn’t let go sooner and maybe you’d still be here.” You take a deep breath. “But it’s time to finally let you go. I forgive you for hurting me. And I forgive me for loving you.”

You lower your umbrella as the rain stops and the sun shines again through the clouds.

“Goodbye, Hendery.”

[nova-is-a-writer-now]

Heaven Sent

[[Draco x Reader]]

Summary: Draco and a golden trio’s friend against all odds become very close. When you take a very dangerous part in one of the Triwizard Tounrament’s tasks, he is forced to face the fact that he might see you as more than just a friend.

A/N: This is my first Draco fic and I have to admit, he is one of the hardest characters I’ve ever written for, there’s something about him that I couldn’t quite get right but I hope I did a decent job. This is set in the ‘Goblet of Fire’ era, for the sake of the story some things about the plot are changed but it stays over all pretty similar to the original. If this does well i’ll write a part two. Also, I’d love to keep writing for Draco so if you have any prompts or ideas let me know!!

Warnings: Language, a bit of angst here and there, a bit of fluff here and there.

~IF YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS DONT HESITATE TO ASK~

No one quite understood how you and Draco became friends, it happend slowly and gradually. In second year the two of you hated eachother for the issues he had with your friends. Harry had been your friend since the first day you stepped foot in Hogwarts, Hermione was like a big sister to you even though you were the same age and Ron was the one who was always there to make you laugh even when it seemed impossible. So naturally everytime Draco felt it was necessary to make a snarky remark about them, tease Harry mercilessly or call Hermione a mudblood, it made you see red with rage.

After one particularly loud class of potions, professor Snape decided to change all the seats before he ended up murdering a student. You had to leave your seat next to Harry and walk to the back of the class to be seated with no other than the Slytherin prince. You cursed Snape, the universe and anyone else who seemed to be conspiring against you in your head, then reluctantly took your seat.

At first, and as it would be expected, Draco and you had troubles getting along to say the least, but as days went by and as the two of you realized this feud you had was only making the situation more unbearable, the hostility was replaced with playfulness. You still teased eachother but the desire to hurt and offend wasn’t there anymore, instead being replaced with snarky remarks and witty comebacks.

A similar situation took place in your head. You didn’t understand why all of a sudden the hatred for the posh, bratty and rude platinum blonde wasn’t there anymore, but getting to potions class and teasing him about something new everyday just to get a laugh out of him was something you internally looked forward to. Even in the great hall while you were sitting with your friends it was hard to not steal a few glances here and there from Draco, and most of those times he would be looking right back.

Third year went by like that, class next to him, a few group assignments that required you to meet him out of class and the sporadic interaction here and there. That was it.

But when year four came by, Harry and Ron decided it would be a great idea to get into a fight right when things started getting complicated. Both of them were very proud, and for a few weeks after the contestants of the triwizard tournament were announced they wouldn’t even talk to eachother.

Hermione took the mom friend role and stuck with Ron during those weeks, you on the other hand could’ve stuck with Harry but he was so invested and consumed by the tournament he barely even had time to spend with anyone anyways so you preferred to leave him to his own.

You found yourself going to the library a lot more, something you loved to do but barely had any time to when you were occupied with the golden trio’s adventures. To your surprise, the idea of finding a place to scape everything for a few moments hadn’t only occurred to you, but to Draco as well. Some days you would only sit next to eachother and read in silence; others, when Draco would be in a particularly good mood he would talk to you about what was so interesting in the book he was currently reading. The way you would listen to him talk made the warm feeling in Draco’s chest grow more than he would like to admit. He could tell how when he spoke to you, you didn’t only listen out of basic courtesy or fear like his fellow slytherins would, you actually cared about what he had to say. Draco would go to the extents of looking for things to say just so he could see your eyes look up from the pages of your book and get hit by the light coming from the window behind him.

To you, Draco was a breath of fresh air, you loved your friends to death but everything seemed to be so complicated with them, almost as if you were always on a life or death situation, but with him things were easy, just casual conversations, sweet smiles and moments of blissful silence. You liked spending time with him so much you started to look for excuses to do it more often outside the library, tempting him to sneak into the kitchen for snacks on a dare for example, or challenging him to a race to the outer parts of the castle just to find a place to sit down together and talk.

The day of the second task, Draco had seen you at breakfast, you’d told him previously your two friends had finally made amends which meant it wasn’t weird to see you all sitting together once again, but this still made his heart subtly ache knowing that you wouldn’t spend as much time with him anymore. With that though in mind he’d asked you to sit near him during the tournament, something not obvious enough for slytherins to bug him about it but sufficient to have you close to him.

When he arrived to the wood platform that stood on top of the black lake he scanned the crowd for you, disappointed when he couldn’t find your face. He reluctantly walked to where all the slytherins were grouped up, not giving up on his search for you just yet. At one point he even caught a sight of Weasley’s red head of hair but you were no where around him, he seemed to be looking for someone too, Granger he assumed. The two of you must’ve been together somewhere else, which seemed odd but understandable. A thought ran through the back of Draco’s head, maybe you liked to spend time with him as long as it was in private, maybe the thought of being seen with him bothered you and you had decided to stand him up. He shook the thought away and tried to focus on what was going on in front of him.

The second challenge consisted of ‘recovering something that had been taken from them’ from within the depths of the black lake, the champions would be under water for an hour and would only count as winners if they brought the item back. He was eager to see how Potter would get out of this one. Once the four contenders disappeared under water there wasn’t much more to see, Draco tried to insert himself into the chatter going on in the group behind him but the image of you kept popping into his head, it wasn’t like you to just disappear, specially when your friend was just about to submerge into the black lake for an hour, but he tried to distract his mind elsewhere.

It was only when he saw Vikktor Krum come up with Hermione in his hands that it clicked for him. ‘Something that had been taken from them’ that something was a person, someone important to the contestant, and if Granger was with Krum and Weasley was waiting for them on the other side of the platform... then that meant you were under water, and Potter was still nowhere to be seen.

Draco’s heart started beating at a rate he thought impossible before that moment. He pushed his way through the slytherin crowd slamming himself against the second and first years and eventually getting to where people were expecting the contestants to resurface. The gryffindor girl was still trying to recover on the side of the platform, Weasly and a teacher giving her towels to dry up and get warm. Draco grabbed the redhead’s arm and pulled him up and aside aggressively.

“Bloody hell, what’s your problem, Malfoy? Can’t you see i’m busy?” he replied not even looking back at him and keeping his eyes on Hermione.

“Y/N, is she down there too?” Draco asked, pulling his arm once again to get his attention. “Is she the one Potter is supposed to bring up?”

“I know as much as you do mate” Ron said back freeing himself from Draco’s grip abruptly. “but yeah, by the looks of it she’s the one friend of Harry who’s missing, so i assume it’s her.” With those words Ron returned to his place next to Hermione and left Draco terrified and frozen in his place.

The one hour period was nearing its end and Harry was still no where to be seen. Every second from the moment Draco found out about you being tied up at the bottom of the black lake felt like an eternity, no amount of calming thoughts could make the brutal feeling in his chest go away. He thought back on all the times you two spent together, how you looked so carefree sometimes and so concerned and lost in thought others, how your face lit up when you laughed or tense up when he teased you about something, the many opportunities he had to tell you how he felt more than just platonic things for you, that he actually dreamt about you day and night but was too scared to do anything about it, and how he would be the happiest man alive if he ever got the chance to wake up next to you, kiss you and tell you how beautiful you truly are.

The young slytherin looked up to the sky and promised to anyone or anything that could help him, even just to himself, that if you were brought back to him safe and sound he wouldn’t waste another second with you, he’d tell you all the things he felt for you as soon as he got the chance, and if you allowed him he’d take care of you for the rest of his life, all he needed was for you to be in his arms once again.

As if the universe had heard his pleas, Potter came back up with not only you in his arms but Fleur Delacour’s sister as well. Draco ran to the edge of the platform to help you up as you were still gasping for air, Harry didn’t even question why he was helping as he pushed you up for him to grab you. You were still coughing out water when the platinum blonde boy wrapped you around with a towel and tried to sit you up so you could get it all out.

“Hey, hey, breathe, try to breath, you’re ok i’m here with you, it’s ok.” He tried to calm you down with his words while feeling you try to take deeper breaths with him.

“I think Y/N’s hurt, her leg... i think it’s injured.” Potter said from next to Draco where Hermione and Ron were trying to dry him up.

Draco’s hand immediately went to your leg, which was covered by your robe, but underneath it the uniform socks were ripped up and a pretty nasty wound could be seen causing blood to drip down.

The concern that filled Draco’s heart was quickly replaced by anger when he turned his head back to Harry. “How could you let them do this to her? How could you put her in so much danger? She could’ve fucking died down there and it would’ve been your fault, you really can’t do anything other than put everyone around you at risk, can you Potter?” His words were brutal and loud, loud enough for everyone around them to hear, even through the loudness of the crowd, but Draco didn’t care.

“Malfoy, shut it. This isn’t his fault, he didn’t chose for this to happen.” Hermione barked back while looking at him with a mixture of fury and confusion as to why he seemed to care so much about you all of a sudden.

“Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s never his fault is it? Cause he’s the chosen one and nothing that ever happens is his fault, it’s all an unfortunate occurrence that he never has to take responsibility for even though if it wasn’t for him none of this would’ve ever-” Draco’s words were cut off by your hand going up to his face, you felt freezing cold and soft against his skin and it was so unexpected it forced him to look down at you who were still on his lap.

“Draco... stop, not now.” you said still sounding out of breath. “I need you to take me to Madam Pomfrey, my leg hurts.”

Draco’s heart broke at the way your eyes looked at him, almost pleading, swollen and tired. “Yes, of course. Hold on tight, darling, let me know if I hurt you.”

He lifted you up and carried you in his arms, ignoring the shocked and confused looks everyone was throwing his way, also leaving Potter and his bunch behind, he’d deal with them later. Your eyes shut close once again and your face cuddled into Draco’s neck, looking for warmth and comfort. He briefly looked once again up to the sky, thanking whatever helped bring you back, not forgetting about the promise he’d made before. He would do it, once you were alright.

Madam Pomfrey had to force Draco out of the room to keep him from bombarding her with questions about your state. He paced back and forth in front of the door for around thirty minutes before he was allowed back in. You were laying on the same bed he’d set you on moments before, just now wearing a more comfortable attire. Your leg was wrapped up in bandages and raised up on top of a couple pillows. Once Draco got close enough your eyes drifted over to him, in your four years of knowing him you’d never seen such worry in his face. His hand looked for yours and held it tightly while taking a seat on a chair that was placed next to your bed.

“You have no idea how worried I was” He said still struggling to pace his breath down.

You squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Draco, I’m ok. It doesn’t even hurt anymore, I’m heavily drugged but at least it looks like my leg will stay in one piece.”

The blond slytherin chuckled softly and seemed to relax a little. “I’m going to murder your friend as soon as I get a chance, I hope you know that.”

“No you won’t.” Your eyes pierced through his while a serious expression took over your face. “We are not arguing over this, it wasn’t his fault.”

“You’re right, we’re not arguing over it, there is nothing you can threaten me with to keep me from putting him back at the bottom of the black lake” He said with his signature scowl plastered on his face.

“We can instead talk about what we’re going to tell the entire school once I’m out of here. That hero act you pulled back there is not gonna be easy to explain while keeping your reputation intact.”

“Fuck my reputation” He replied looking away. This took you by surprise, there were many things Draco Malfoy was, a person who didn’t care about his reputation or what others thought of him wasn’t one of them.

“Who are you and what have you done with Draco?” You asked teasingly.

He took a deep breath before looking back at you. “I’m being serious, Y/N.”

“So... you don’t care what Slytherins say about you being friends with Potter’s friend?”

“There’s something we need to talk about. I-” Draco’s words were cut off by the door swinging open behind him. Before he could even fully turn around to look at who it was, he heard Hermione’s rushed steps and her loud and piercing voice, Weasley following behind her closely.

“Oh, Y/N. I’m so glad you’re ok. We were all worried to death, I wanted to come right away but Professor Mcgonagall forced me to go dry up and change clothes, she said I would catch a cold otherwise.” Her arms were thrown over your neck pulling you up harshly.

“Mione, I appreciate the enthusiasm but I’m still a bit sore.” You said muffled by her hug.

“Right, sorry.”

The chatter that came after was barely heard by Draco, the thought of what he’d been so close to telling you started to weight on him. Doubt begun to take over, maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe he was being stupid for even thinking someone as good as you could ever reciprocate feelings as intense as the ones he had. But he’d made a promise, and if there was even just a slim chance you’d feel a fraction of what he felt for you, he would take the risk.

Draco was fully willing to wait there until your friends left so you two could finish your conversation, but it was when Potter walked in he realized he wasn’t welcome anymore. The shock and unpleasantness on his when he saw Draco said it all. For your sake and his own, he decided to stand up from his place and leave the confrontation for later. But before Draco could get far your hand pulled his back to get his attention.

“Draco...” your voice was strong, not discreet or ashamed to address him in front of your friends, but loud and assuring. “Thank you, for everything.”

The way you took a moment to make sure he knew you were grateful for what he’d done for you, even with Potter and the others around, showed him he mattered to you, even just a little. It was all Draco needed to be confident in his decision. He was going to tell you how he felt, maybe not today, but he would do it.

“Any time.” Was all he replied before walking out with a smirk on his lips and the warm feeling taking over his heart again.

[entertainment]

Entertainment Spotlight: Cree Cicchino

This summer, actress Cree Cicchino will star in Netflix feature The Sleepover, which follows two siblings who discover the secret past life of their seemingly normal mom. She also returns to her role in Netflix’s Mr. Iglesias, namely that of the smart student Marisol Fuentes who works three jobs alongside her school work. Born in New York and raised in Queens, Cree landed her first role at just 13 with Babe Carano in Nickelodeon’s hit live-action gaming sitcom Game Shakers. Cree took the time to chat with us about acting, activism, and more. Check it out:

In Mr. Iglesias, you returned to the role of Marisol Fuentes. What do you enjoy about returning to a role you’ve played before?

Doing series work is always comforting for that reason exactly; getting to return to a character you’ve played before. Being a bit more comfortable and confident in your character and the project and how the two mesh together, there’s more freedom I think to play and try different things.

Similar to Marisol, you have also juggled work with school, having landed your first role at 13—what advice would you give to Marisol, or indeed kids who want to start out?

I have no place giving any advice to Marisol (that girl is a superhero!) But for kids who want to start out in the industry, and will have to balance work and school, I’d say appreciate getting to be a student. The industry can exciting and hectic, and sometimes unkind. Funnily enough, your time doing schoolwork can be the most peaceful bit of normality. It might seem like an extra workload now, (and it is) but I promise you’ll be sad when it’s ending. I just graduated high school and I’m very mushy about the whole thing. Try to appreciate it while you’ve got it!  

You're involved with the Black Lives Matter movement. What advice would you give to someone who wants to get involved with advocacy but doesn't know where to start?

If you want to get involved with advocacy and the Black Lives Matter/Anti-Racism movement, all I can really suggest is to seek out and listen to Black advocates, activists, and educators. As white and non-Black people who want to get involved, we must follow the guidance of the Black leaders of this movement.

Can you tell us about a time when you changed your opinion about something when you learned new information?

I think there are too many to count. I’m grateful to be in a generation built on growth, learning and an explosion of conversation and education. My ideas and opinions, whether political, social, or economic, are always growing as I learn. And they should be! It’s a gift to be corrected. It’s a gift to find you’re wrong. Changed opinions and new ideas mean we’re moving forward; that’s the only way to go.

The Sleepover is about a parent who has had a previous life as a thief and is now living in witness protection. What would you do if you found out your parents had been keeping a similar secret from you?

It would take a ridiculous amount of time and proof to convince me that my mom had a secret past life as a professional thief. I wouldn’t be mad or confused; I would just literally never believe her. That movie would be far less interesting than this one.

Can you tell us a bit about your character Mim in The Sleepover? 

Mim is one of the four kids trying to solve the mystery of Clancy’s mom and her secret past. On this adventure, she is one of the only people appropriately terrified of everything going on.

Malin Akerman and Ken Marino  also star in The Sleepover, what was it like to work with them? Are there any fun anecdotes or things you learned from them? 

Working with Ken and Malin was a dream. I was a huge fan of the both of them before shooting began, so it was a crazy surprise to see they had been cast. They are two of the sweetest and funniest people I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Watching them every day was just soaking in so much talent. The entire cast spent like two days, towards the beginning of the shoot, in front of a green screen doing the wildest stuff. It was quite the bonding experience; definitely a memorable anecdote from taping. 

How do you practice being an ally, and how do you take action?

I’ve learned recently that “ally” can be a harmful word, as it implies ally-ship is a noun; a title that’s earnable and reachable. When really, practicing anti-racism should be (and is) a life-long, ever-evolving practice. I’ve really just started learning about the work, and aside from educating myself and taking personal action steps (petition signing, emailing, making calls etc.…) I’m trying to use my online platform to spread awareness and amplify the voices of black speakers and educators who must be heard right now.

What are you currently playing on repeat?

Lizzo. Morning, noon, and night.

Mr. Iglesias is a fun teacher with a lot of humor. Did you have a favorite teacher in school?

Yes! Ms. Salamone in Queens, NY. I’ll never forget. She taught me how to love learning. She was the first teacher to make me feel smart and capable. I’ve got a lot of love for her.

How do you approach tough conversations with friends and family, and why is it important to have conversations that make us uncomfortable?

Of course, I can only speak to non-Black and white people wanting to do the work. So in that regard, it is our responsibility to be a part of this fight. This is truly our mess to clean, and a big part of this work is having tough conversations with people in our own circles. That can seem scary, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable, but when you really let the truth of our responsibility in this movement sink in, conversations of this sort become less daunting, and their necessity is clear.

Staying as calm as possible and being firm is the most efficient approach, I think. And when we have these conversations (and this is something I recently learned and must apply going forward), we need to try and point out the toxicity of our privilege, and the racism we’ve internalized that’s allowed us to sit and debate something that should never be debatable.

If you went back to school as a teacher, what kind of teacher would you want to be ?

Definitely some kind of English or Lit teacher. It was always my favorite class as a student.

What have your singing and dancing experiences taught you that it has come in useful for your work as an actor?

Having dance in my back pocket has been incredibly useful in my acting work thus far. Almost every project I’ve done has had me dance in one way or another. It’s really fun to be able to apply it when asked to.

If you could have any other job, what would it be and why?

I’ve always loved writing! If I had never begun acting, I definitely would have been trying to write professionally by now in some way.

What gives you hope?

To hype up my generation one more time, I think we’re a really energized and educated bunch. We’re having necessary conversations; we’re politically involved and socially aware. We’ve such a long way to go. But I don’t think my generation is one to shy away from the work. There are so many incredible leaders my age; all of whom I look up to immensely. I have real faith in us young people. That gives me hope.

Thanks for taking the time, Cree! Mr. Iglesias is now streaming on Netflix, and The Sleepover premieres later this summer. 

Photo: JSquared Photography