#in my angst list it goess

[boba-beom]

evie. oh my god. my heart sank further and further down each time :( not to mention the tears brimming at my eyes while listening to the song. (long review)

firstly 😭 the way you write? beautiful. I’m done for omg so many talented writers on here and you’re one of them. so don’t ever doubt your writing because that managed to move me and had this choked up feeling remain in my throat the whole time.

the confession scene already had me pouting :( the feeling of taehyun not even asking you to be his gf was already the start of this bittersweet feeling.

and the scene where you’re watching the sunset with the boys? them noticing something that taehyun doesn’t. I had my heart in my hand holding onto it so tight :( that realisation that other people care more than the person you care about the most is heartbreaking. I hate that feeling, genuinely. but you portrayed it so well with the minor awkward feeling of the other guys’ reactions towards you, but taehyun just gives you his jacket.

that flashback, beomgyu is so real for that. though it hurts like shit, something had to be said 😭

-a phat teardrop just fell-

the way the song’s incorporated within this fic has my heart sobbing with me. especially this part,

..’​the kind of people that taehyun’s already settled into and signed his lease.​ you’re a hostel in taehyun’s unknowing search for a home, you start to think.’

alexa play BACKBURNER by niki. gosh this HURT. setting aside those unwanted emotions as if he didn’t make you feel that way :(

evie I could go on for ages ngl. will most likely associate this fic with this song now :’) it may hurt, but it hurts so good 😞 the bittersweet ending… made me feel a little something but nothing at the same time /pos. but honestly what a good read :’) I knew it’d be a good one!

milk teeth ୧ ‧₊˚ 🥛 ⋅ ☆ kang taehyun

now playing 𝄞₊⊹ milk teeth - niki

⋆ pairing: taehyun x f!reader 

⋆ summary: taehyun loves the things you do for him. he loves how familiar you are. probably more than he ever liked you.

⋆ genre/themes/warnings: angst, suggestive (implied former sneaky link!tyun, implications of sex), unhealthy relationship ++ scenes in italics are flashbacks

⋆ word count: 2.6k

a/n: sorry to solomons he was my muse for this song.... I PROMISE ITS NOT THAAAAT BAD I THINK?? lmk actually if this is sad enough.. highly rec listening to the song while reading, i ref some scenes and lines throughout n just... i love the lyrics ! underrated nicole track icb she wrote this in high school lmao

taehyun had been something between a secret lover and a stranger in the past few months. over the course of your frail affiliation, you jump between thinking that the world was testing you by sending over a guy who would kiss your forehead in the comfort of your dorm room but never look you in the eye in-front of his friends; to being so overtaken by infatuation each time you see his bare skin against your sheets, the sun kissing him on places you’ve found yourself feathering over the night before.

the daydream always shatters when you wake the morning after and the only remnants of his existence within your bedroom are the stains on your bed and the warmth of his body clinging desperately onto where he slept. it’s easy for that dream to rekindle every night; because when taehyun’s at your doorstep with a huge grin on his face, you can’t help but leap into his arms.

when you feel the sun joining you in bed and instead of a phantom of his physique, you find taehyun sound asleep next to you; you can’t fall back asleep. you prop yourself on your side, cheek pressed on your hand and elbow holding your weight, admiring the rare view bestowed upon you. you think it won’t be as rare to see now that taehyun’s your boyfriend — a newly-formed title that came into fruition just yesterday. it wasn’t the most romantic way to ask, settling for a conversation on this very bed after showering together. 

it went along the lines of you saying:

“i’m starting to like you a lot, taehyun.” 

your back is against his chest, situated between his legs. “yeah?” you etch taehyun’s half-smile, half-smirk in your mind as he plays with your hair. it almost feels like he’s finally in the room with you, not drifting away, someplace else, when you confess. you push the thought to back of your head when you feel his chest rumble from a laugh. “have i stolen your heart yet?” 

“...y/n, you thief.”

“am not!” you refute, silly smile stretching your lips, cheeks swelling from the searing affection taehyun offers. it probably burns, but you can’t resist – not when you’re usually off scraping corners of his lukewarm responses and icy texts. 

“can i keep it though?” the tone of your voice is hopeful, and taehyun doesn’t have it in him to say anything but yes. he doesn’t know why he does this, is it because you’re nice? the girl you love should probably have more words under her belt than nice. but that’s what taehyun settles for. 

you’re so nice that taehyun doesn’t even have to spew out the question. 

“can i be your girlfriend, i mean.” you clarify, assuming the silence on his end stemmed from confusion. or that’s what you’ve convinced yourself these kind of moments were; the times where taehyun reels back in and decides you’ve seen enough of his kinder gestures for the time being. 

he nods.

giddy, anxious, once again hauled into infatuation; these are the things that culminate in your chest as you watch taehyun stir. 

you don’t bother to look away once his eyes flutter open, wincing at the light sneaking between your blinds. “morning, boyfriend.” his lips curve into a small smile, “morning, girlfriend.”

you sit up expectantly, wanting to start the day with all these ideas that have been blossoming since you started liking taehyun. things like making pancakes when he finally stayed long enough until the morning, or simpler ideas like struggling to leave the bed and being tugged back into his arms, “five more minutes…” tickling your nape as he nuzzles into you. 

your ideas start to dwindle when taehyun’s first course of action is to pick up his phone and look through his texts. you’re left blinking, confused by the nonchalance that clouded the air in your room. you should be used to this by now. the push and pull was always what made you come back to him anyway; but in your brain, after the intimacy of last night, you had hoped that taehyun’s hot-and-cold would begin to melt.

you don’t want to think about it. giving taehyun the benefit of the doubt is always easier than having to recode your mind to admitting that you just like him a lot more than he does you. you already have a boatload of excuses piled up from all the times you had to defend your crush on him from your friends; always something about “he’s never had a serious relationship, he doesn’t know!” or “he’s just not that kind of guy, y’know..”

instead, you’re pushing yourself out of bed, and that is thankfully enough for taehyun to look up in surprise.

“want pancakes for breakfast?” 

‧₊˚ ⋅ ☆

you’re sitting in the back of his friend yeonjun’s car the next time taehyun invites you outside of your stay-at-home ‘dates’. 

you’re squished between two long-legged boys, soobin and kai, while beomgyu called dibs on the very back, using the excuse of “somebody needs to hold our shit from falling” as a guise for wanting to catch up on sleep. taehyun’s in front with yeonjun, chatting with a carefree smile.

that kind of smile was reserved for people you knew taehyun held no doubt for. the kind of people that taehyun’s already settled into and signed his lease. you’re a hostel in taehyun’s unknowing search for a home, you start to think.

but you’re young, and there’s plenty of time for renovations and renewals. maybe in a few months time, taehyun’s “nice” and “cute” will turn into “beautiful” and “kind-hearted.” in a few months time, you’ll be more than a place to lounge and leave; perhaps even earn his breathless laughs and sparkling eyes. 

today, your destination is a barred cliff overlooking the view of your hometown. beomgyu suggested watching the sundown before spring started, ever the romantic. he’s also the reason taehyun even bothered to bring you; the invite making you audibly gasp over the phone when he called, asking just half an hour before they were set to go. taehyun always did that — made plans and canceled; only to call you a few hours later, when the sinking feeling finally set in and you were ready to push it to the backburner, saying “i’m coming over.”

you’re leaning against the side of yeonjun’s car, taehyun on the edge of the hood and the rest of the boys scattered just around the front. by the time you’ve arrived, the chill of the upcoming night was beginning to creep up. 

kai picks up on how much you’re feeling the cold. your teeth are chattering, and your posture hunched into your own body, arms crossed and trying to keep yourself as warm as you could. he blinks at taehyun’s apathy. you’re right next to him, there is no way he couldn’t hear the way your teeth crash against one another, or the hisses you unconsciously spew. 

“dude, y/n looks like she’s dying.” kai finally speaks up, interrupting the flow of conversation between his friends.

all five turn to look at you. you feel like you’re being watched like a wild animal at the zoo, scowling at beomgyu’s laughter. his teasing begins, taking advantage of being on taehyun’s other side, sprawled on the hood. he pokes his friend’s forearms, “yeah, tyunnie, y/n looks like she’s dying. why don’t you go warm her up?” his mischievous antics have your heartbeat picking up. you don’t know whether to thank him or jump him.

you’re anxious, for some reason; but you’re also wide-eyed and expectant. you’ve been dating taehyun for a month now and his friends have been warming up to your relationship, though you can’t get beomgyu’s words out of your head — much like now. 

you recall it was at one of yeonjun’s parties.

beomgyu hovered around you and taehyun that night, tipsy for the first time in a while. the air was silent, each breath clinging onto the question that beomgyu spilled that night: 

“why don’t you ever do anything.. like.. couple-y with y/n? i swear- i’ve only seen you makeout. and that was before you even started dating!”

beomgyu always seemed to know the pain points of your sluggish relationship.

taehyun rolls his eyes at beomgyu’s jabs, though his smile reflects different from the snarky glint in his eyes. you don’t know what he’ll do. will he tug at your arm and pull you over his lap, wrap his arms around you? say “i’ll keep her warm, don’t worry.” and keep you close for the rest of the evening, until the stars wake from their slumber?

your arms are wide open for anything. any semblance of affection or care, anything to make you feel like taehyun isn’t just keeping you for the sake of avoiding being the primary source of your heartbreak. sometimes, it felt like he kept tabs on you like someone who had forgotten about a game they once liked, habitually coming back but never in the same intensity. you remember how he looked at you so hungrily the first time you met. you only ever get glimpses of his twinkling eyes when he has you under him.

your boyfriend shrugs his jacket off and pushes it in your direction, barely looking at your pitiful state. this time, even beomgyu knows to hold his tongue when you both share the same look of disappointment and confusion at taehyun’s frigidity. taehyun resumes his conversation with soobin, though the latter boy awkwardly smiles at you, dimples providing some comfort. 

“thanks,” you mutter, holding the jacket to your chest before slipping your arms through the sleeves. you don’t feel much warmer, even with the makeshift feeling of taehyun’s body heat radiating from the inside of his jacket, right on your bare skin. 

you’re not sure if it’s the wind that’s keeping you shivering, or the awful feeling that you’ve made the wrong choice.

‧₊˚ ⋅ ☆

“why don’t we ever go on dates, taehyun?” you quiz, half-curious and half-unprepared for the answer you’re going to get. if you get to that point. but tonight, you’re determined to know.

it’s been four months since you and taehyun have started dating, and nothing much has changed from where you started. except for the fact that taehyun thinks he’s starting to get better at keeping you at bay; knowing the right words to say at the right time, being aware of your weak points and using his kisses as a way to sway your lips away from yet another important conversation.

“what do you mean, babe?” he only calls you that when he wants to shut you down. “we just had one. the movie marathon yesterday?” 

“no, i mean–” your voice is stuck in your throat. taehyun often has that effect on you. at first, starstruck from seeing him at a frat party; then, when he’s pushing your head down onto the pillow as you tremble beneath him; and now, too cowardly to know how he truly feels about you, but too fed-up not knowing.

“i mean outside dates,” you explain, fingers fiddling aimlessly with each other, trying your best to keep looking at taehyun. he’s sitting across from you, on your bed, again. this godforsaken place that started the turmoil in the first place. “we never do anything planned. we don’t even go out for anniversaries or anything, tyunnie.” you hope the nickname softens the blow.

“i just like being at home with you, love.” taehyun answers gently, like he knows he’s treading on dangerous grounds right now. he doesn’t want to hurt you, and he doesn’t want you blaming him for anything that happens once you’re just another travel stamp on his life; permanently a memory. 

despite his consistent nonchalance towards you, taehyun can admit to himself that not having you around would be odd. it would be inconvenient, would be the better word to describe it. your hopes of becoming more than “nice” and “cute” have transformed to something arguably worse; now, you’re “helpful” and “grounding.” 

he couldn’t survive without you, but not for the passionate, romantic reasons you long for. taehyun knows this; that he loves the familiarity of you more than he likes you. he likes the heat that radiates off your body more than your body itself; the habits you’ve grown into that he’s responsible for, like the pancakes you make every sunday morning or how you’re always prepared to run to him when he needs you. he doesn’t remember you calling for him like that (though he doesn’t know if he would drop anything as fast as you had done).

“taehyun.” 

“what..?”

“you don’t really mean that,” you shake your head, now unable to keep your eyes trained on him. you opt for the solid colour of your sheets.

“why are you.. doubting me?” 

“because you’re never here!” your voice is strained; you try to say it in some sort of yell, but it comes out as a desperate screech. “and i mean your mind. your heart. whatever the fuck it is. your body’s here, but you’re always drifting somewhere else!”

you keep going. your mouth is spilling words like a waterfall, the most you’ve ever truthfully said in taehyun’s presence. “you don’t even like being around me. you do just enough to keep us alive, and then you half-ass it until you have to fix it again. what– what kind of relationship is this?”

“babe, wait,” taehyun’s moved from his spot now, laying his palms flat on your shoulders and trying to ease your outburst. you’re starting to sob, hiccups replacing your words. “i-i’m sorry if i made you feel that way–”

“if?” you scoff, and taehyun is taken aback. you’ve been rather docile and forgiving for most of the time taehyun has known you, only ever yelling at beomgyu that one time. 

“i mean– i’m sorry that i made you feel that way, baby..” he soothes you, taking your hands and trying to get you close. 

“i think we should stop here.” your words are firm in spite of the trembles underneath. 

taehyun pauses. it’s the first time you’ve seen him display some sort of fear over you. 

“no, no, no,” he’s desperately clutching your hands to his chest, bringing your knuckles to his lips and pressing kisses to the back of your hand. “it’s only been a few months. i’m just going through something right now, baby. i promise.”

your courage only takes you so far, because you let taehyun toy with your hands, bring his face close enough to make you fluster and cave.

he puts your intertwined hands down, a thud against your unassuming mattress. taehyun’s saving face by pressing his forehead against yours, lips hovering over one another. “i’ll make it better. i’ll be better, i swear.”

so you do. you cave. 

when you feel his lips on yours, you know you’re doomed to unwrap the fabric and find you’re still bloodied; that your relationship is bound to break its fragile bones beyond repair. still, another empty kiss bandages over the scabs and wounds you’ve accumulated over the course of your ‘love’ and you make-believe that it isn’t too bad. not at all.