#in dreams i cry to wake again
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just woke up from a baby dream and I'm a sobbing wreck :) anyway Logan Huntzberger doesn't expect much from his future besides monetary success, partying, and a lot lot lot of sex. he definitley doesn't expect to look up one day and realize he's sharing a home, a life with someone. not only that, but he's the one that instigated it. he told you in college he didn't like you being around other guys. he stopped caring about the girls that he would go between, because now he just seems to care about you. everything else falls to the sidelines. so he comes back to his big fancy house after an important business meeting on the golf course, and he sees you there. some old sitcom is marathoning on tv, and you're wrapped up in fluffy blankets, hair up and out of your face. you look so cozy, so comfortable. you keep adjusting the blankets, fussing with them as you hum softly. he walks closer, overcome with a feeling of love and swelling pride and... paternal instinct he's never felt. your son Henry, just a month or two old is bundled on your arms. you look up at Logan and smile so warmly he could cry just from the look on your face when you see him.
"hi," you breathe softly. Henry's settled down, so you don't want to rile him up too much, but he's not all the way asleep.
"hey ace," he breaths, sitting next to you. he wraps you in his arms and kisses you, meeting forgotten as you both admire you baby boy together. you rub his tummy gently, soothingly, and Logan smooths his hair. it's short and fuzzy, and a little prickly. it makes him laugh softly. Henry is wearing the white and blue onesie Honor got for him at the baby shower. he makes a mental note to take some pictures to send her of him wearing it. the soft fabric of his polo shirt and the smell of his cologne mixed with the distinct remnants of golf course air is so comforting. he watches you admire your son, trace the shape of his cute little nose, copy the faces he makes, babble little noises at him. he watches you smooth his hair and help him get comfortable in your arms, watches you place your finger in his hand so he can hold onto it with that surprisingly strong baby death grip. Henry wiggles around, getting comfortable in your arms, and you kiss his forehead again. once you're sure that he's settled, not too warm and not too cold, comfortable and lying safely, you can finally relax. you rest your head on Logan's shoulder, closing your eyes and finally letting yourself relax and rest a little. you take in a big deep breath of his masculine scent, somehow both spicy and refreshing, and sigh. you're content. you're more than content, he realizes. you're happy. Logan... made you happy. he found out what you wanted and built you a life you want, a life he wants. it hits him like a ton of bricks in one overwhelming, amazing moment, and he soaks in the feeling, watching the way your sleeping babys face and yours mirror each other.
#drabbles#logan huntzberger#logan huntzberger x reader#logan huntzberger drabbles#dilf!logan#dilf logan#gilmore girls#gilmore girls x reader#gilmore girls drabbles#domestic bliss#tooth rotting fluff#god help me#henry was his actual name in the dream#i kept waking up in the dream every time he moved or started to fuss#the plot of the rest of the dream was gone once I realized I had a baby#like it was still happening but I didn't care#it hit me so hard#i was like this is real. i actually did it. i have a baby.#his nose and his eyes and his little hands were so real. i could feel him grabbing my hand#i could FEEL the soft felty texture of his onesie#now i'm crying again! hooray!#well either I'll meet the love of my life soon or hunt down some sperm or something cause my baby fever is truely unbearable#i call it baby fever but i think it's just a deep overwhelming desire to be a good parent like how my mom is yk#also i just. want a baby. like... that's allowed#people are allowed to want to have babies#anyway#yeah#i guess i have to distract myself now because i'm gonna be fucked up for the rest of the week! huzzah!#i found pictures on pinterest that look just like him#how do you handle this?????? anyone got any tips for being debilitatingly single and coping with baby dreams???????????
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hey I know it's been years but I thought about soggy again and got emotional
#reader has a reoccurring dream after makki dies#shes in a room#resting her head on his lap#and she knows he's gone#her eyes are burning with twars#and hes just humming a stupid little tune#and she asks. if he was in pain. if it hurt.#and he looks down with his little sheug and goes. Dying? well. i wouldnt do it again.#and they noth laugh#until reader starts to cry#and she wakes up alone in bed#and his pillow still smells like him
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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Mai: I’ve got a few knives up my sleeve.
Aang: I think you mean cards.
Zuko: She does not.
Mai, pulling out knives: I do not.
#hi im posting fandom stuff again cuz the depression hit a little too hard wben i woke up today#im not even going to ask u to look away cuz yeah tags are embarrassing but what about me isnt#atla#avatar#avatar the last airbender#aang#zuko#mai#incorrect atla#incorrect atla quotes#knives#anywayyyyyy#back to my scheduled mopiness#i fell asleep last night eo now i have 40 mins to do so much hw#and i had a good dream last night#i hate good dreams#i get nightmares like 4 days a week and thags fine#cuz i wake up and cry and then forget about them#but today i woke up so fucking happy but then realised none of it was reala nd never will be#and now i wanna not exist in a world thats not the one from my dreams#im so full of rage#im gonna brush my teef bye
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#looove having dreams about my dog dying like i love that i get to relive that over and over again forever#and then i’m always like doing that can’t breathe heaving crying bc i’m so distraught and then i wake up and i’m like oh thank god that’s#over and then i’m like oh wait but that really did happen already and then i’m like 😐 for the rest of the bc ptsd and trauma etc etc forever#*rest of the day#like fr. can’t i just have nice dreams about them and then cry when i wake up bc i miss them not because i was in the torture chamber
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#several months ago i had a dream i was sitting with my mom and my sister came in and sat down next to me#and i was surprised but happy to see her but in the dream i couldn't figure out why i was surprised to see her#it wasn't until i woke up that I remembered she was gone and I'll never see her again#i want to go back to having dreams like that#sometime after i had a dream that she'd somehow come back to life and it was a frantic scramble to get her to my brothers place#so that he could see her before anyone else found out but i woke up before we got to his place#and just now i woke up from a dream where we were essentially having a graveside memorial thing#but she was standing next to me and I could see and hear her but no one else could#and she was moving around trying to talk to other family members- including her husband- but they just couldnt hear her#and i had no way of helping them hear her so i just felt useless#these are the most vivid dreams I've ever had and i always wake up crying#im giving myself a headache from crying and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet#kee speaks
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I only know about Anastasia through the wiki plot summary, but the parts you've posted so far of the Sandman Anastasia AU makes me excited to read more.
Read the part with the Hob and Dream interaction on the staircase and. The Angst. The potential future angst when Dream finds out what reward Hob actually asked for (assuming that's in line with the movie?) and he runs through this exact conversation in his head again! With those last words he spoke to Hob playing on repeat.
An evil part of me wants Hob to die in his efforts tying up loose ends (but succeeding) and for Dream to find out everything when it's too late to change anything. Maybe shortly after Hob's death. Or perhaps he isolates himself from the world and shows up at the inn 100 years later only to then find out the truth. Dream can never make amends and never gets closure. He settles further inside himself, putting up more walls between himself and the world. Or this is his tipping point.
Maybe Hob leaves behind a letter for him, apologizing to Dream asking not for his forgiveness but wishing him well and hoping that everything is good now that he's back to who he was. That he's happy.
Or, Hob does succeed and survive, and lives out his full life. But still dies before the 100th year meeting, that Dream shows up to.
Don't know the extent of Dream's power in the AU, if there's the Dreaming, if he can feel when a dreamer dies or not enter the Dreaming anymore. Bc in either scenario, what if he decides to never contact Hob again, but he feels Hob's death (bc he can't help but to keep tabs on Hob, despite everything), when, since Hob got his reward, !shouldn't! happen? And that's how he finds out.
BUT while that sounds tempting I'd really rather have the Angst train and the Happy Ending.
Thanks for reading my ramblings!
(Anastasia AU masterpost here!)
Thank YOU for sharing them, I enjoyed them very much! :3c
I'm very dedicated to happy endings, so don't worry, there'll be no great final tragedy... HOWEVER, I did feel tempted to write a sad little something, so I'll juuuuuust put that under the cut here....
(This is NOT CANON to the Anastasia AU - think of it as a hypothetical Bad Ending nightmare at most! Also, warning for major character death, of course.)
(I guess I'll still tag @10moonymhrivertam @martybaker @globglobglobglobob @anonymoustitans and @sunshines-fabulous-legs even though it's not technically canon to the AU...)
A hundred years pass in a blink.
Dream is busy, oh yes, very busy indeed, gathering his surviving dreams and nightmares together, carving out a tiny, miserable approximation of what was once his realm to house them. The New Dreaming is not what it once was, but it is enough - and where it is not, he works harder.
(If he is busy, then there is no opportunity to think of a time where he was once humans, with human needs and wants and loves. He can banish those memories from his mind, push them under layers and layers of plans and tasks, and feel his heart grow only ever so slightly heavier with it.)
His siblings are as busy as him, all trying desperately to recover scraps of their former strength. Sometimes, he helps them if he can, other times he is simply there to lean on and to hold them if he can't.
In those hundred years, Destiny wept - once, only once, but that was already more than Dream should ever have thought possible - in front of him, Desire screamed and howled and heaped verbal abuse on him in their frustration far more frequently, and Delirium clung to him as her physical form wavered and scattered like iridescent oil on a puddle. She slipped through his arms whenever he tried to hold her in return, and that was, perhaps, the worst of it.
No word of Destruction, Despair quiet and reclusive... and Death oh so tired. The humans now walk to The Sunless Lands without her, often refuse her hand if she tries. Dream can tell how it breaks her heart, and how carefully she hides it for her siblings' comfort.
It's a difficult century for them all.
But some things get better.
They heal. They grow. They recover. Humanity loses grip of their hatred, forgets about what they once did to the Endless, or why. It will take many more centuries, perhaps millenia, to undo all the harm that has been done - but be undone it will, that much is clear even after just one hundred years.
They have hope, still and always; and they have each other, and the truly endless love they each feel for their siblings. Dream is no longer lost and alone in the cold and the snow, as he once was as Murphy. He belongs now, something he has always yearned for, and it is a precious thing indeed.
But still he-
Sometimes, he-
(Hob Gadling and his smiles, Hob Gadling and the warmth of his hands, Hob Gadling and his ever-laughing mouth.
Hob Gadling asking 'would you come' in a voice too small and afraid for him, and the tears in his eyes at Dream's response.
He remembers these, sometimes, and wishes he didn't.)
A hundred years have passed by, and something in Dream has... it has softened. Gentled. Murphy, that frightened, furious, heartbroken man, or what remains of him in Dream of the Endless - he has healed, too.
He is beginning to regret his harsh refusal, now.
Is beginning to miss Hob.
Is considering, perhaps, to forgive him, even.
(The Corinthian has never bothered Dream again, has never wreaked havoc among the humans. Hob has succeeded admirably in his task, it seems... and perhaps this is something Dream should have recalled, in his aching fury: people are almost always better than one thinks they are.)
The hundredth anniversary of their final meeting on the stairs draws near...
And on an impulse, on the centennial of that fateful day, Dream calls Matthew to him, and slips out of their safe haven in silence, telling none of his siblings where he is bound - though he suspects, from Destiny quietly watching him leave, that one at least knows.
He treads carefully in the Waking, in the human world, but few care to notice him. The Endless are a fairytale, a horror story. A hundred years have washed the truth out of the tale, and there is none of that sharp suspicion in the humans' eyes he recalls from his journey as Murphy.
He is in London in an instant, at the park where he used to feed the birds and steal purses from passersby. Down the street then, to the White Horse inn, and-
And-
The White Horse is gone.
A ruin stands in its place, closed down. The merciless grind of the gears of time have not spared it, clearly.
Dream is, briefly, at a loss. They have not specified another meeting place, and with his diminished powers it is... difficult, even for one such as him, to find a singular human - only more so if that human is immortal, and surely working hard to remain undetected. How will he-
"So you have come," says a voice behind him, and for a moment Dream's not-heart is beating in his throat, and he turns, relief sparking in his chest, the name Hob on his lips like a sigh...
"...sir," Gilbert finishes, standing there alone, and Dream's heart plummets again.
(Gilbert had taken his leave, after the whole affair, had begged permission to remain in the Waking - and Dream had granted it. Gilbert had been such a painful reminder of a time when he's been both at his most miserable and at his happiest, and sending him away had been... easier, then.)
"Fiddler's Green." Dream inclines his head. "My greetings."
"Gilbert. If it please your majesty." Gilbert corrects quietly. He looks sombre, and tired, a far cry from the curiosity and easy cheer of their journey oh-so-long ago. "May I beg a moment of your time?"
"...I was intending to meet..." Dream gestures vaguely to the White Horse, unable to say the words. Say the name. "Do you, perhaps, know..."
"Yes. Yes, sir. I know who you have come to meet." Gilbert blinks a few times, very quickly. Looks down at his hands followed over the tip of his cane. "Please, follow me. I know a place where we can sit and talk."
Dream hesitates, glancing back at the ruins of the inn - what if Hob should arrive in the meantime? - but then reminds himself how close Hob and Gilbert were, once upon a time. Gilbert would not lead him away if not for good reasons.
Quietly, nervously, he follows.
Gilbert brings him to another pub a few streets down, named The New Inn. A sweet, pleasant place, gentle and warm the way Fiddler's Green once used to be - he spends much time here, Dream can instantly tell.
(His eyes search each table for a familiar face. But he finds none.)
They sit, and Gilbert folds his hands, wrings them nervously, before finally pulling a well-aged envelope from his coat.
"This was given to me many years ago by... our mutual friend." He begins, haltingly. There is something achingly sad, something hushed, in the exhausted slump of his shoulders. "He begged a promise from me, that I would be here, on this day, every hundred years, and give it to you, my Lord, if you ever... he instructed me, in confidence, not to suspect you 'ere half a millennium has passed - you have rather defied his pessimistic expectations."
A smile, then... but tears, the dewdrops on flowers in the morning, gathering in the corners of Gilbert's eyes. Fear gripped Dream's heart, and would not release it.
"Dear Robert. And yet, he never doubted that you would, one day, appear. Such faith he had in you."
"Had?" Dream chokes around the word. On his shoulder, Matthew grows uneasy.
"Read the letter, my Lord." Gilbert's smile is gentle as well as sad, as he pushes the letter across the table. "And you shall know all he wanted you to know."
There is a name on the envelope, Dream of the Endless written in Hob's scrawl, still familiar after so many years - and then, (Murphy) underneath it.
Dream dreads what he will find in this letter - but he opens it with shaking fingers, and begins to read, nonetheless.
My Honoured Lord, Dream of the Endless etc. etc. (My dearest Murphy)
It is my fond and foolish hope that this letter finds you well, and that you have since grown to forgive poor, lowly Hob Gadling - who was ever your friend, if you can bring yourself to believe it. (Perhaps you cannot. I wouldn't blame you. But know that, from the moment I first saw you, I cared for you, and never wished you harm. Hate me for the deception, hate me for my greed - but do not think I did not truly love you. Because I did, Murphy, Dream, whichever name you now prefer. I did.) I've asked Gil to hand you this letter if you ever come to the White Horse. Please don't be cross with him, he fought me on this every step of the way, and even now I am not sure if I have sworn him to secrecy firmly enough. If he's blabbed to you, be happy, his loyalty to you has won out over my pleas, which I do not blame him for at all - and if he hasn't. Well. Thank him for me, will you? He's been a true friend to me, always, and I... appreciate his fealty. Now, the most important thing I have to tell you: I refused your sister's reward. Yes, I know. I'm a fool. After all I did for it, too. But you were right. I didn't deserve it, I was a greedy, manipulative bastard... ...and I was in love with you, of course, and couldn't bear the thought of spending an immortal life being hated by you. (Forgive her, too, for not telling you, please. All on my request, not her fault.) I don't know why exactly I refused, in the end. I was trying to prove something, maybe. To me, to you - it hardly matters. Not anymore, at least. I'm going to see if I can't give our pursuer hell, and that'll likely... not end well for me. But even if I am fortunate enough to survive that encounter, I doubt I'll live to the ripe old age of 130-something, so... I'm sorry I couldn't make our appointment, my friend, my love - and after I was the one to suggest it, too. Unfair of me, perhaps... but at least you'll have this letter, and all I wanted still to tell you. If I died, if I am dead now, you must know that I died happy. You are with your family again, you've returned to your true self, and I could help you achieve that. This time, I could help, and I'm so glad. I love you. Foolish, of a mortal, to love an Endless, but there it is. I loved you as Murphy, and I love you still as Dream, and I am happy to know the one I love safe and free and - I hope, I pray - content and living a life of joy. Be well, Dream of the Endless. Think of me, now and then, if you can bear it - and recall, perhaps, that even low and greedy humans may show themselves to be better than you'd think at first. I love you. Forgive me. And farewell forever. Yours, always, always yours, Hob Gadling
A wet splash as a tear drops onto the letter, old ink running slightly under it; and then another, before Gilbert's gentle hands pull the paper to safety.
Dream sits there for hours, crying like a child, like a human, mourning, regretting...
...and admitting, at last, that he loved Hob, and loves Hob still, even now, when it is far too late for love to change any of it.
He would turn back time if he could, beg his father on his knees for the chance to undo this - but he does not have power enough to even ask, and knows he will be denied either way. He has lost Hob; has lost him to anger and jilted feelings, to secrets and unspoken words. To the Corinthian's dagger, or the tooth of time.
He has lost Hob, and his heart with him.
Gilbert and Matthew bring him home, eventually. His siblings comfort him silently, aching in empathy of his grief.
A century has passed, and soon another will start, and pass, and be gone, over and over and over. Life is rich, and goes on forevermore... only without one never-truly-immortal in it.
And Dream will forever remember Hob Gadling, will think of him at every judgement he passes over a mortal life, at every burst of fury in his chest. Will think of kindness, of forgiveness, of friendship.
And, forever and always, of love.
#WyAnswers#WyWrites#dreamling#anastasia dreamling au#but this is NOT CANON#i just really felt like writing tragedy and angst i guess#please imagine dream waking up after this and it's just a bad nightmare that's already fading from his memory#or hob managed to defeat the corinthian and death ended up giving him immortality anyway#he just didn't manage to tell gilbert#and forgot the right date#so he bursts into the new inn later like wAIT I'M NOT DEAD THE LETTER IS A LIE#and dream eventually ends up crying into his shoulder#and ordering hob to never frighten him like that again#there fixed it in the tags#anyway thank you for the ask anon!#it clearly unlocked something in me#tw major character death#so unlike me to write mcd but here we are
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Had a dream where Usopp was manipulated/controlled and killed the other Straw Hats 😃
They survived and got revenge on the real bad guy because they’re the Straw Hats, but oh my God, it was so sad. I hated it so much.
#there was a scene at the end after he killed everyone where he stood on the top of a tower and just broke down sobbing#he got chopper and robin while their backs were turned and it BROKE ME#nami was screaming and begging him to stop…… guys this dream was so sad idk how i didn’t wake up crying#brain don’t EVER do that to me again#red’s ramblings
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Hey guys would you like some angst with a happy ending?
Imagine you came to your fave's world yourself through willpower or some magical way, defying all odds just to be together. Your fave is the happiest they've ever been with you at their side, the love of their life, or their best friend/ family they've always dreamed of having.
After years of being separated by a screen, you're finally together, finally able to hold eachother in your arms. Nothing could be better than this...
But one day, unaware of your existence, the creators of your f/o's source start writing in a character that fulfills your exact role. (Love interest, best friend character, family member)
Day by day. Your form begins to fade away. You begin to physically disappear a little bit each passing day the reveal of the character being written in grows closer. Your fave can only watch in horror as you're slowly taken away from them again right before their eyes. After all the work you've done to be together...
Your heart grows heavy. Each passing day you see how distraught they are. For some reason, a little voice in the back of your head tells you you shouldn't be there, that they deserve better than you. Maybe this newly introduced character will be better for them than you in the end. Maybe it's what they deserve, someone who belongs here.
The very last day comes.
You're just a flicker of an existence, and your fave can take it no more. Seeing them break down, you run off to another room and start to cry, thinking that you could've saved them all this hurt if you never came here, if you never showed up in the first place and just let this new character take your place.
You can barely see through the tears in your eyes as a pair of arms wraps around you, clinging to you for dear life, their body wracked with sobs of it's own. Your fave declares their love for you, begging whatever force is out there to let you stay, proclaiming you're the only one they'll ever love no matter what's created for them. You begin to fade away in their arms.
A figure stands a small distance away from the pair of you. It's the new character.
Kind hands are placed on either of your shoulders, grip unwavering.
"I could never break up something so true, something so pure and destined. Please don't worry."
Everything moves in slow motion. Your form flickers, and then solidifies as your fave holds you. You look up at the new character in disbelief. They've given up their spot for you.
Your fave clings to you for dear life, pulling you closer as if they haven't seen you in a thousand years. You hold them and wipe away their tears.
"I thought I was going to lose you again."
They sob. You pull them into a tight embrace. Nothing will ever come between the two of you. The new character looks on with a gentle smile.
All is right with the world. You and your fave are meant to be together. No force in this universe or the next will ever take that away.
#based on a dream i literally just woke up from#its rare i wake up crying like that#ok to rb#writing?#idk im just hugging a certain plushie extra tight right now#your efforts of selfshipping is what keeps you together#starts crying again#for extra angst: imagine the new character not being as kind#:)#...#moondrops and lollipops
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I am going to loose my mind trying to organise this funeral. And it's just me doing most of it alone so i cannot stop. I have to keep going
Okay.... warning i did hit 30 tags. Like u been warned if u open my tags u will be scrolling
I need a cigarette so bad and I can't drink because health. And I'm SO WIRED
#i slept after doing funeral stuff#had a dream my dad was alive and there had been mistake#woke up 7am did funeral stuff#went to sleep again and woke up with Health Symptoms#briefly sat outside#more funeral stuff#emails#phone calls#planning#checking anf rechecking anf recchecking and rechekcigng my damn to do list and emails bc i am so traumatised by#the amount of times i will forget literally any and every thing of little or great importance#music planning#email#photos and massive crying fit#break to eat#looked through 7 photo albums until my mother got mad bc she doesn't wanna do that#looked through cd after cd after cd for 3 hours of photos and some did not have photos and some had funny childhood things and i learnt a#lot about my dad from the cd from the old Brick Box Computer backup from 15 years ago and laughed so hard i triggered my asthma#and couldn't stop cry laughing hysterically for minutes#more photos#checking obsessively my email again anf adding shit to the to do list#and now....#i .... need to sleep but I'm so fucking wired#this is just like when i was at uni#i would work day in day out until i passed out. fall asleep with my laptop on my chest. dream of essays snd research papers. wake up and#start writing without even leaving bed#no fucking wonder i was so suicidal holy fuck???????#all I'm doing is funeral planning for my father but it's like being at uni again with deadlines just not enough time and the urgency
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I’m gonna challenge my subconscious to a fist fight and I’m gonna lose
#i had a dream that mabel kept coming back to life just to sniff stuff or investigate food that she liked#she was still dead but i’d buried her instead of cremating her and for whatever reason i was either digging her up#or she was digging herself up and sniffing and eating stuff#and i was like ‘she’s CLEARLY still alive if she can do this’ and everyone was like ‘no she’s dead you have to bury her again’#whenever she fell asleep she would be dead again. like she’d stop breathing and her heart would stop#i don’t know if she was like. a vampire dog? but it was so upsetting to dream#this is the second sad dream i’ve had about mabel in the course of like 3 days.. no less because the last one made me wake up in tears#on friday morning. and like it’s brought me to my knees honestly. i can’t DO this#also in my dream i went to a careers advisor or life coach or something and they were really mean to me lol#and my family made me go with them to visit some people i didn’t know who insisted on serving us cups of tea#it was really strong hot tea and i don’t really drink tea like that#and my grandma’s friend who was the loveliest woman and died a few years ago was there#and she was just absolutely pouring milk in her tea even though it was overflowing and going everywhere#and mabel was there accosting their terriers even though she was supposed to be dead. it was too much#in another part of the dream my old roommafe (who i really didn’t like) was pressuring me to go drinking with her even though mabel had just#(dubiously) died. and i was like ‘you do realise i’m going to get absolutely paralytic and scream and cry about my dog the whole time’#there was also this subplot where like everyone i knew but me had been in a play and the stage makeup had been made from ‘magic beans’#that stained everyone blue. so everyone i met had randomly blue eyebrows and stuff#there was one man who was just fully blue#also i was supposed to be in the world championships for a game that was like tetris but more esoteric but the servers broke down#or something like that. i think that’s everything#i’m just like.. why make me bawl at 6:30 on a sunday morning. what’s the advantage of that#i’m supposed to be taking care of benji and he’s looking at me like ‘god this woman is a basket case’#his owner has colitis and chronic fatigue and she has her shit more together than me#personal
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woah i just woke up from a crazy as fuck nightmare
#so if started off with me and a couple other ppl trying to find dirks apartment right#idk why#but when we did we found out that it was actually not in the middle of the ocean#but instead in the middle of a man-made lake and was an experiment run by the government#so my pov switched to young dirk and we actually got put in the apartment at like 4#so we were crying and begging not to go#then there was a timeskip#and we were trying to escape the apartments#but every time we got near the edge of the lake we got knocked out and had horrible nightmares#but that went on for a while one time i think we made it to a couple feet from the wall#then the dream switched and someone and i were puppeteers in a muppets babies esque show. the other guy was probably dirk considering the#previous dream. so yeah that sucked#oh also occasionally in the apartment we hallucinated a group of our friends and family (notably roxy rose and dave) near the edge#of the lake and we tried to get to them but we would pass out before we could#additionally we also tried to kill ourselves several times. naturally. but every time we would just wake up again#even when we fully separated our head from our body we would just wake up with it back on#so yeah. that was my crazy as fuck nightmare#housetrapped
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hey friends is it normal to just feel. numb. because I think that maybe it is not. but what would I know anyway.
#really tho it’s like I can barely feel anything anymore. idk if it’s stress?? depression??#the enormous weight of adult life suddenly and unexpectedly crashing down on me with the weight of the entire planet??#I used to feel so *much* all the time and now I feel like I can barely feel anything at all…#and everyone around me is living life so much and I’m just here feeling like I can barely keep up with conversations as they’re happening#I’m tired… I feel like God is a far away idea that I’m struggling to hold onto… I feel like my mind is a bent and jumbled mess#like I grabbed hold of it and tried to crush it into the shape I thought it should be and now all I’ve got is a broken frame#I /know/ who I am and what I believe. I /know/ what my life is. but I don’t feel anything.#the only time I feel anything is sometimes when we’re singing at church I just cry at the sense of glory of something I can’t touch#and sometimes I shake with fear at the thought that I’ve ruined everything that could’ve ever been good about me#I’m oversharing on the internet again but I just don’t know what to do. I’m so tired. I want to see something beautiful and feel#the weight and glory of it again. but I feel like I can’t. all I feel is numbness.#I feel like I could sleep for months but every time I wake up I never feel refreshed. and I’ve been having bad dreams too.#adulthood kinda does suck can I please go back to being 5#gurt says stuff#personal
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#ever since having my accident and getting a nearly keloid like scar#i remember i used to hate it so much#it took years to accept it and now alhamdulillah#i barely notice it#i remember at the time when it was fresh i couldn’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror and this was when it was peak lockdown times#so there wasn’t much to do and you couldn’t leave the house either to distract yourself#Alhamdulillah its soo much better now#and now scars look so beautiful to me#anyways a bit tmi#personal#i remember i also used to get such vivid nightmares and would wake up crying/unable to sleep#wudnt wish this on anyone#waking uo feeling petrified and hving the same dreams over nd over again aint it
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Wow turns out there's a reason every lawyer I'd ever met told me "don't be a lawyer."
#seven months into practice#most junior attorney at a litigation boutique#I've never felt more incompetent in my life#I felt pretty on top of things until last month#made a few mistakes and they keep coming#fortunately they're all different mistakes - not making the same ones twice#but jesus fucking christ#I spend probably an hour every day just worrying they're going to get rid of me#also it looks like the senior associate is leaving#which our firm structure is weird#but he's basically the only person in a mentorship role#and I feel like if he leaves I'm actually going to cry#because I feel so lost and the partners are all so busy#also my billing is shit because I'm so sad and stressed I keep just having non billable chunks of my day#which is me stressing out and just feeling bad#which isn't productive at all#stereotypical lawyer lmfao#I keep waking up at 3-4am with nightmares about my cases#I dream about work almost every night#usually fucking something up or getting fired or losing something important#I just want things to feel under control again#not spiraling just beyond my grasp#I've heard this is normal which is helpful in a small way#but consider: knowing it's normal doesn't make the actual feeling less shit
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Got the idea of getting a tattoo for my dad, & my sister said she'd be willing to get a matching one with me
This, of all things, has made me cry again for the first time in days
#speculation nation#not a bad cry necessarily. certainly not the chest aching breath gasping kinds of cries i had when things were more fresh#just a few quiet tears. the ache of knowledge that hes gone#and the quiet wish to keep a permanent memento of him. to match how he's formed my very soul.#i had another dream about him last night. another moment of unconscious acceptance.#the first one. i think it was near the start of the week. i was exploring what was in-dream an old school he went to#looking for signs of his old life.#& in the end i jumped down the center of a tall stairwell. with no fear bc i had something to break my fall.#it felt like release. and acceptance.#last night's dream. i dont remember most of it. but i remember seeing him in-dream#then remembering he was actually dead with an ache of true wrongness.#it felt like a different kind of acceptance. one step at a time the truth sinking into my psyche#because he still doesnt feel dead. not really. but with each passing day it becomes a little more real.#i still wish this was a nightmare i could wake up from. or a bad route i could reload a save to avoid.#i sometimes do dream of the deaths of people i love. and i have certainly dreamt of my father's death.#but this time it's real. and i cant wake up from it.#at this point i can only hope to have dreams of him alive again. just like how my dead cats still live in my dreams.#i wish i didnt have to dream of it. i wish he was still here.
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