#in case you felt like crying
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just thinking about how in hopeless war cherry says “you’ll still be the losers destined to fail and we’ll be the lucky ones” and then in stay gold Johnny and pony sing “can’t you see that we’re the lucky ones”
because while the socs are lucky with money and privilege, the greasers have love and family that they wouldn’t trade for the world.
#Just in case you guys felt like crying!#I love this parallel so much oh my god#jean has thoughts#the outsiders musical#the outsiders broadway
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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Vague Conspiracy 52 spoilers
Guilt Trip.
#criminal case#Gabriel Herrera#criminal case the conspiracy#digital art#digital drawing#artists on tumblr#like#I think about Gabriel's reaction around David's attempt a lot#imagine that you are the person who is taking care of your coworker who is a very emotionally driven person#and said person just lost someone he loves so much#that he cannot tlak or anything wihout crying his eyes out#and being a sobbing mess#you lose sight one second#and suddenly hes on the ground withour breathing because he overdosed on the sedatives that you have and apply on him to calm himself#the guilt he must have felt must have been huge#i think about it a lot#i wanna analyze it so bad
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Need you guys to manifest luck (all of it) for me because dear lord clerking a 2 weeks on-going DKA cases with low medication compliance + HF within 5 hours nearly ended me
#i felt like crying LMFAO#dead#you know its bad when even the physician was confused about the i/o and bcs test#good news: they are sparring us from this case to find new ones for me tomorrow#[takpe I cari kes lebih sesuai utk level u ok?]#YEAH I HOPE SO#����#gummmyspeaks
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Everytime I think I understand the degree to which Ursula K. LeGuin Got It™ she hits me with another life revelation
#i just finished the other wind and when i tell you how beautifully jarring it is#to have someone put into words almost precisely how you feel about life and death and the meaning in both#and this is something i was just like reflecting on today thinking about how j was brought up#and how my belief of how to live a meaningful life and what may happen upon death changed as i did#and how i feel so much the better for it#and then here come ms leguin with another fucking homerun that knocked me to my knees crying#like it was just so poignantly beautiful and felt like everything i had felt#in any case this is your push to go read earthsea#earthsea#the other wind
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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Ronnie, you are enough just as you are. Samantha
#your honour#them#i rest my case#guess who re-listened to mummy issues thinking they won't cry and then proceeded to burst out crying cause of this quote#how did i spend more time writing the words than actually drawing them?#i wrote 'you' so many times it no longer looks like a word#the progression of emotions felt whilst drawing was something else#a literal roller coaster#samantha stampler#ron stampler#ron x samantha#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndaddies#dndads s1#best 'R' i have written in my life#also#Ron made Samantha's bracelet#it took forever#but it was him#my art#dndads fanart
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Chapter 622
#naruto#madara#madara uchiha#uchiha madara#hashirama flashback#+ hashirama#[FBI looking through my laptop voice] why the fuck have you been looking at this and crying for the past 3 hours#Also fun fact: I used to not really like the language of ''revealing your guts'' I felt it was just very ugly and un-poetic phrasing#But I've come to appreciate it in the sense that it conveys a pretty thorough idea of vulnerability that reveals a lot of how Madara#perceives it.#His phrasing of revealing vulnerability is incredibly visual; people quite literally opening themselves up for him to see. Related is how#his greatest discomfort is people standing behind him. You know. where he can't see them.#Also most Uchiha characters having common motif threads related to their eyes.#In Madara's case they're tied specifically to how he'd like to have full awareness and understanding of what's around him; and by extension#he'd like to have a measure of influence over them.#Something standing where he can't see it though he knows it's there is the most vulnerable position he can imagine himself in.#In multiple different ways! In this particular panel it's mostly related to trust and emotional vulnerability.#Which is a very fun character trait to have when you grow up in the conceiling yourself and backstabbing profession#And you are also very fatalistic and under the impression that people just can't change#you WOULD think the only solution would be if everyone could just magically rip themselves open
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nah literally nothing will convince me anyone has had a worse lifetime of birthdays than i have
#que#to start i was born in a drug addicts basement and left unattended for over 24 hours#was bounced around through fostercare till i was adopted by some wackjobs at 2yo#i was screamed at for the cat i was given on my 5th birthday and yelled at about the rabbit i was given on my 6th#both of these animals were given to me with the permission of the woman who adopted me; the exact person screaming at me over them.#my grandmother killed my first dog the day after my 8th birthday#my tenth and twelth birthdays were spent being screamed at; insulted; laughed at.#myy eleventh birthday was spent crying at my cousins wedding out in the cold rain bc my adopter kicked me out of the car to smoke in it.#and then my childhood rapist came up and comforted me. and compared to the situation i was in i genuinely felt safer and happier with him.#my 13th birthday was spent watching everyone eat mounds of animal flesh right after i had gone fully vegan and being forced fed said flesh.#my 14th was just spent crying trying to hide from my abusers as best as i could.#same for my 15th#my 16th i was sat down with the --case manager-- troubled teens program monitor and my abusers#and not threatened---PROMISED by them that they would make me homeless because a teacher was bullying me and i wanted a ged.#my 17th was spent getting gross remarks and glares sent my way whenever i did show my face#my 18th (last one before i went nc with my whole family) was spent crying upstairs in my room#and getting screamed at for not doing chores#because my abuser was throwing herself a party and a birthday party FOR SOMEONE ELSE and i needed to clean the whole house top to bottom an#go get the other persons cake. while being screamed at and insulted.#like fight me on it i dare you#no one has had this many horrible birthdays let alone birthdays that are LITERALLY so horrible#yes i am trauma olympicsing right now and im winning gold in every category except for 'normal family'
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Chat what the Fuck
#i swear to God. every time I'm like no I'm putting my foot down I'm moving on. or i think maybe i was wrong and he's not my person#something pops up to remind me of him#but literally 4 minutes ago. Four. Minutes. He was driving behind me on his way to work i watched him pull into work are you JOKING ME#WHAT THE FREAK#lord release me from these shackles (loving and missing him but not being able to be with him in any capacity)#whatever#he definitely knew it was me lmao. my car is fuckass ugly (she went through a lot)#what does it all Mean though#the signs. the symbols..#like what am i supposed to get from this genuinely#i prayed last night to see the results of placing my faith in God#i did what i felt i was lead to do#and my gut said that this dumbass man will be back in my life by Christmas#i personally feel as though time is running out for that to happen (bc it is??)#but then i just saw him for the second time since July#which. you have to understand is crazy#we live in the same town. my friend lives in his neighborhood. my other friend lives right next to his place of work (hence why i passed it)#this is so strange#documenting all of it in case I'm right though#that way no one can call me crazy#and if I'm wrong then I'm on my hands and knees begging to be put in a fucking psych ward#🥀#wtf man#i didn't cry this time though!!!!!!!!!!#progress!!!!!#ironic that i was very much thinking about him but tbh when am i not
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“ And it hurts so much! Life is suffering. It is hard! The world is cursed. But still, you find reasons to keep on living." ... "I don't regret a thing, you know. I don't regret the struggles. I don't regret the hardships. The pain. The sorrow. And I've seen so much of it! But still. I don't regret what I've done or how I've lived my life. I just wish the world had been a better place. A better place for them, for us... But surely, a better place for you, my dear." ... "I feel like a vast vessel, with so many dusty rooms and cabins... I have so many of them... So many memories... Some of them are gone, but some of them... Some of them will live on forever. In you, in others. ”
- Astrid, Spiritfarer Farewell Edition
#just in case it was not clear#astrid was probably my favorite spiritfarer character#and im very emo about this quote of hers#shes just such an icon. one of the most versatile characters in terms of perks#shes so cute. she unionizes a company. shes a ww2 survivor and risked her life protecting children#and shes just so heckin cute#i wanted to take even more of the quote but i felt like this part encapsulates most of what i wanted#I feel like a vast vessel with so many dusty rooms and cabins... I have so many of them... So many memories...#im not cryings youre crying#i really feel this quote lately though so i wanted to share it#i put it as my discord status but that didnt feel like quite enough this time around#this is one of those 'can you believe this amazing thing was said by an [insert character here]' things#astrid was like a top three for me along with stanley and probably gustov#i say this even though i got attached to literally all of the characters#except giovanni. could not sympathize a lot with giovanni#its like gwen is wonderful but she leaves you so quickly#bruce and mickey are great but they take a while to grow on you#atul is so lovely but he just LEAVES YOU and also his banging upsets everyone#im not over atul leaving. will never be over it. i stopped the game and googled it because i kept thinking he would come back#elena and jackie and daria are weird ones. i like them but im not sure i love them#alice is another one who is so hecking cute#i think alice and stanley and astrid were the saddest goodbyes for me#i loved them so much but also they were just sad on their own. stanley is just a kid#alices dementia is so long lasting and heartbreaking to witness#and astrids rapid deterioration after giovanni leaves hits very close to home for me#anyway im rambling again but i just love astrid so much what a queen she deserved better than giovanni#astrid#astrid (spiritfarer)#spiritfarer#spiritfarer farewell edition
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kicking my feet up bc finding good analysis of things i like has me very 🥰🥰🥰🥰
#i found a twitter thread on mei's characterization during lament of hte fallen and about her mischaracterization in fandom#tbh im not active in the fandom to know how they see mei#i did hear though there were a lot of people who dont like mei which :( makes me sad#i love mei sm actually asdlkfajljh#but the thread was just sO good and it makes me happy#because i always felt weird that people said mei would sacrifice the world for kiana#that is not the case at all#i dont think mei would exactly. shed sacrifice herself though thats clear#shed sacrifice herself the way kiana would ALSO sacrifice herself to save the world#its sort of a 'the town which i dont exist' situation in which mei would rather disappear if it means kiana and the world is happier#that other post thats like 'i love the world because it has you in it' too#but like idk thats how i felt about mei and then i got confused or thought i misunderstood the situation asdljfah#but augh#i just love mei#IM SURPRISED I DO#BECAUSE I WAS VERY NEUTRAL ON HER WHEN WE FIRST STARTED#SO WHY EVERY OTHER DAY AM I CRYING ABOUT HER#sprawls on the floor i just want her to be happy and live with kiana please :(#it doesnt help that eitan and i got to the start of mei's downfall (we reached the starfall animation) and my god.#just thinking about all the thoughts mei mustve had#mei coming to save kiana but kiana protecting mei first against natasha and then the whole BOMB SITUATION BY WORLD SERPENT#SHAKES AND CRIES ON THE FLOOR#and then mei going after kiana and durandal taking kiana away#the scene in which mei is chasing after the trail of light that is impossible to reach#is such a perfect visual of what was going on for mei#and it makes me sO sad#avil plays hi3#anyways ily mei
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#welcome to another installment of: angel spits out all his thoughts about autism cause if he keeps them inside his head will explode#in today's episode: is it possible that my ''panic attacks'' have been autistic meltdowns all this time?#then answer is maybe!#ok so i was watching this youtube video from channel I'm autisticn now what? (check it out it's great!)#and meg was talking about the different types of autistic meltdowns and how they might manifest#and then in the comments people were discussing autistic meltdowns vs panic attacks and how cofused they used to be about them#and that got me thinking... there's a big thing that needs to happen during a panic attack for it to be a panic attack#and that is anxious thoughts... many people talk about fear of death during panic attacks#and that was never my experience. I don't feel like I'm going to die when I have these ''attacks''#they feel painful and like i'm completely out of control but my head is quite clear in that regard#i always thought it was because i don't think dying is like The Worst thing that could happen to me so maybe that was why#and it never ocurred to me that it could be an autistic meltdown because i always saw those as ''little boy hits his head against the wall'#(horrible i know) but it's more than that! (plus i sadly started self harming when the ''attack'' is too bad so not i fit that idea lol)#it's the uncontrollable crying. the throwing anything you have at hand across the room. the not being able to utter words#(other than ''no'' in my case) it's the complete lack of control#and that fits so much more to what i experience! i even related to meg's personal anecdote about a meltdown she had as a child#being separated from my mom made me go into full panic modes as a kid and that was seen as a tantrum but it was more than that to me!#and as an added bonus the only therapist i've ever seen in my life used to call my panic attacks ''pseudo-panic attacks''#because even she felt it didn't quite fit in the description (not that she was a good therapist so i can't put her as an example lol)#but anyways... yeah every day that goes by i'm more and more convinced I am autistic and it scares me to fucking death#because of the way my mom reacted when i first raised the question. so yeah this is for nothing lol nothing will change in my life#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#angel talks#personal
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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the music we loved as kids really sticks with us, huh?
#personal#this is about save rock and roll by fall out boy btw#the album yeah but also the song specifically#a song that used to feel like the rallying cry of my teenage angst now feels like a celebration that i made it this far#you ARE what you love NOT who loves you#i define who i am#no one else#i remember listening to this at 15 when i felt so lost and confused as to who i was#i just feel like ive come full circle in a way#fall out boy#save rock and roll#tagging those in case someone sees this and Gets It
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Everytime I think I understand the degree to which Ursula K. LeGuin Got It™ she hits me with another life revelation
#i just finished the other wind and when i tell you how beautifully jarring it is#to have someone put into words almost precisely how you feel about life and death and the meaning in both#and this is something i was just like reflecting on today thinking about how j was brought up#and how my belief of how to live a meaningful life and what may happen upon death changed as i did#and how i feel so much the better for it#and then here come ms leguin with another fucking homerun that knocked me to my knees crying#like it was just so poignantly beautiful and felt like everything i had felt#in any case this is your push to go read earthsea#earthsea#the other wind
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