#in a way that i cant not fear being judged and isolated if i shared them

[floradanika25]

Im watching mitchell vs the machines and its hitting too close to home

[puphoods]

hi!! tell me more abt dahlia cooper and elliot?

omg the sillies

so the basics of their story is theyre in a post-apocalypse zombie setting... its been 5-10 years ish things havent really gotten under control all that much society at large is still very much broken down etc. etc.

cooper dahlia and elliot are three people sharing a large plot of what used to be farmland- dahlia lives in the main house, elliot lives in an old barn reconstructed to be a viable living space before the outbreak and cooper is... also nearby somewhere. its a little out of the way but close enough to a frequently used main route that people will come across them every now and then

cooper is a freak of a man whos sense of morality + justice has been twisted due to a relatively isolated upbringing + violence witnessed during the outbreak + subsequent downfall of society and he now believes he is the only one capable of rational morality. he sees himself as judge jury and executioner and anyone who he deems a bad enough person he kills and- i cant stress enough- feeds to the zombies, as he sees them as no longer being bound to human morality + therefore above it. he has a weird sexual relationship with elliot* + an... obsession with dahlia where he sees her as the only one able to pardon him for his actions

dahlia was a nun sometime before the outbreak and spent the first few years taking in and looking after lost and orphaned children. unfortunately being just one woman she was unable to really protect them and after some unfortunate events they were killed and as a result she has become bitter and hateful towards most other people. she views herself as weak while also believing shes the only one that knows what needs to be done and how to do it and as a result has taken refuge with the others, despite resenting + distrusting them, seeing them as a means to an end. she knows cooper is deeply unwell and knows the way he sees her should not be encouraged but tells herself it has to be done to protect everyone. i dont really have a solid dynamic for elliot and dahlia yet sorryyyy ive never been able to work it out >_< also she has a small vegetable garden + the vegges are used to trade with the others and w other travelers passing through for other things they might need

elliot is a social recluse who had agoraphobic tendencies pre-outbreak and the isolation + constant danger during the outbreak ahs made them extremely paranoid to the point of near delusion. they spent a lot of time traveling with other people for protection, having little to no allegiance with anyone + caring less + less about the actual people they were with as time went on, prioritising only their own life + safety. they eventually took refuge with cooper, but over time has grown to fear + resent him more than the people he kills, and in an attempt to keep themself safe is manipulating cooper to be more rash and less careful about the fights he gets into. cooper is aware he is being pushed into more fights but is unaware its in an attempt to get him killed so elliot can find someone stronger to travel with. they have weird + manipulative sex also. elliot is very handy + helps out with upkeep of the buildings + technology (filtering water etc.) in exchange for the food + protection offered by the others

[cherrylight]

hey. uh, sorry about this post... i dont mean to like post vents a lot recently, but things just been so difficult and hard for me to even talk about and then i get so scared that im going to be judged or hated... its been a lot. so. im sorry in advance.

this post is very long btw

hi, not sure where to really begin with this but i guess its better to just say it and let it be said then not i suppose...

summer is usually the worst season for me in general, i hate summer anyway so no surprise. so im sorry for not being up to par on being happy-go-lucky or whatever, i try to do things to help myself and be like ok, i can handle it. i can take that for a while. but theres only so much i can take before its overbearing to a point it wont quit.

im not good at explaining myself so ill try to keep this as concise as possible.

i suffer way too much from social isolation and sure, i try to talk to people and i try so *so* hard to like throw myself out there, but its difficult and im scared on messing up and making a huge fool of myself. its gotten progressively worse and mentioning it to someone only added to the feeling of feeling like a complete chore to even interact with . . .

im like the most socially anxious person you could ever meet but i would do absolutely anything to socialize with others and be friends with people if it wasnt for the multiple negative experiences ive had during my life.

this goes hand in hand with the fact i want to talk about my own things, but fear of being judged and hated upon heavily affects me. theres a lot of things i want to share on this blog, but i cant out of fear of talking way too much or its just unnecessary information or its not what everyone was here to see i guess . . . which is stupid, i know.

i am not good at like expressing myself or my interests at all, but i get so excited upon talking about them and then in return the excitement is unrequited (majority of the time), sometimes it is and im so *so* utterly grateful for that because it means the absolute world to me.

tldr because im talking a lot: social isolation is a bitch and it has affected me my entire life to a point of feeling chronic loneliness, i want to talk about my interests with excitement but i have a lot of fear upon doing so. i just want to enjoy myself and not feel like a chore on a daily

to add: this isnt on selfship almost at all, i feel like i can actively talk about it and enjoy it a lot, i just have so much fear of being weird or odd and what ive stated earlier does not help

again, sorry for the long post and sorry for constantly venting lately. my brain feels like its in a constant fog and ive stared up at the ceiling like multiple times today

hopefully things will get better ... hopefully

[ladychlo]

Hello:) srry for the rant... so all the shit talking from literally queer people about Harry today (this has nothing to do with Harry btw it could be anyone) ... It just upsets me as a young queer person that there's people in this community (lot of them) who think you must be out to be a part of the community. I mean the community was created to keep safe each other. Not to pick and choose who's going to be valid. Also I identify as a queer person and I don't want to label my gender bc to me it's something I don't see... Why is that wrong that I don't want to comment on my gender? I'm i not valid; or lying? I don't get it..

Also saw someone say that if Harry is queer he should come out bc he's a public figure and that will help other queer people?? Like what?

Why people think just because they are a part of the lgbt+ community they can pick and choose who to support and who's valid? I don't get them. It's sad

hi love,

you're absolutely right! and I've talked about this while ago and I cant stop screaming it:

Gatekeeping queerness does nothing but perpetuates the same system that oppresses queer people.

it pains me when its queer people who vocalize negative opinions about other people's queerness. that queer people invalidate other queer people's experiences just because it doesn't align with theirs. the core of the queer experience is survival and resilience and joy, this core is shared by the community but every queer person has their own experience and I think some queer people ignore how nuanced that situation can be.

some feel entitled over others' queerness, this sort of entitlement is absolutely everything against what the community is about. once you as a queer person feel like you owe other people their queerness you should stop and say what the fuck am I doing?

check your entitlement and check your privilege as well, not everyone can be out, not everyone is safe to be out, god there are people who don't even know that they're queer because they are isolated, denied any space, any representation, any words or voice, there are queer people who can't even reclaim their bodies and their identities, they cant step out of their house without the fear of being muted, there are countries that still jail, kill, torture, suffocate the life out of queer people, and not every queer person lives in a place where they are recognized or protected by any Anti-discrimination law, some queer people just want to survive in their own way, just in silence. do you know how is it hard to even accept yourself when you dont even know who you are? let along the feeling of other queer people invalidating it. all this, and you feel like you have the right to decide who can claim queerness for themselves or not? how fucking entitled can you be to say that out loud, to say someone if not out they cant be valid, they cant claim their queerness the way they want.

check your entitlement and if your queerness is used to invalidate other queer people then you are doing nothing but regurgitating the same system that made you realize you were queer, the same system that isolated you and denied you your rights, the same system that oppressed your people. and being queer is far away from that, it's absolutely the opposite of that, all your anger shouldn't be aimed against queer folks, but the system that enabled and created an environment that made queer people have to fight and resist and come out. the community was never and will never be exclusionary, far opposite from that, it's a safe place for you to breathe, to be heard to see that there is nothing fucking wrong with you, and to claim your queerness the way you want it, literally your queerness is whatever you want it to be, however you want to express it.

your queerness shouldn't oppress, it shouldn't judge, it shouldn't invalidate, and certainly shouldn't create interpersonal opression.

also just to add on the matter of Harry and Louis, I'm not gonna talk about their self-expression and how they express and see their queerness, because that's their fucking business and it up to them to feel safe and comfortable to share that. but I'm talking about how it's unfortunate not everyone outside the fandom can see their act of community, have you seen their shows? who the fuck has a full venue or arena drenched with pride flags and rainbow light? they created a safe environment for queer people to be, to exist, to express themselves, and that's fucking brave man, they don't need to come out to inspire other queer people, they don't need to come out to make other queer feel validated and seen. stop centering queer experience around coming out, stop invalidating queer experiences because they don't align with your expectations and fuck just stop gatekeeping queerness.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

It’s A Match Chapter One

Masterlist

Disclaimer

Summary: Filming is over and Henry returns home to and empty house. And he doesn't like it, things are getting to him and he doesn't want to be alone anymore. Then his brother suggests online dating, it sounds mad but henry decides to give it a shot. If worst comes to worst he just deletes the profile. He has nothing to loose right?

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Cheese, Self Indulgent Fic, Rpf, Plus sized reader.

A/N: so I wrote this before the whole 'girlfriend' shock and everything that has followed. I was of two minds whether to ever post it but honestly, this is my blog and I've clearly stated that i am going to continue writing Rpf. I want to do a little ficlet/mini fic and well here we go. It wont be smutty just  somewhat angsty then fluffy. Enjoy~

Taglist: In Reblogs.

Henry slumped back on the seat in his conservatory and sighed, from here he could see his brothers and their wives outside, each snuggled up on the out door wicker sectional he had got to have the family over. It was the first family get together for over a year. He was happy, god it was amazing to see them but... He couldn't help being a tad envious.

They all had a family, wife and kids to go through this shitstorm in. He had no one, well he ha Kal. But that was it he sighed and looked away sipping from his cup slowly takeing a moment for himself. He needed to just chill, but it was getting hard... This year had really knocked him back he was at an all time low he hadn't felt like this for a long time. He knew he was depressed, he felt stupid there was no reason to be but there we go.

Henry had been getting himself all twisted for a while now, filming the Witcher helped but now that was over and he was home alone. Left with his thoughts in a big empty house.

"Sooo little brother want to tell me what's going on or am I gonna have to get mum in here?" Henry jumped at the voice and spun around to face his brother who was keeping a safe distance at the door. Wiping his hands down clearly just having washed them again.

"I ah its nothing, you know me I'm a worry wart" he said waving off his older brother he didn't want to bring down the mood of the small gathering, it was why he had come in here to take a breather.

"You called us all here for a visit hen, out of the blue when lockdown is still being eased out. Its clear you don't want to be alone, yet your sitting in here alone." His older brother said leaning on the door frame folding his arms trying to figure out what was really going on. He could see his little brother was hurting he wanted to help.

"I've got Kal" Henry said with a chuckle and looked about for the bear only to frown and sigh seeing the room was empty apart fro  him and his brother.

"Kal's outside with the kids hen, what's up? You can tell me you know" henry sided as his sibling  moved sitting in the small seat across from him. He knew that his family would listen but he felt so... spoilt like he was asking too much and was being selfish. It wasn't like him.

He grunted leaning back choosing not to look at his brother instead focusing on the cup in his hand. He spun it slightly then heaved a sigh. He wasn't getting away with not speaking about it, he was going to air out his worries one way or another. With his brother or his mother, and he loved his mother but this was? He wanted to keep this issues close to his chest. So far only Kal knew about his problems.

"I... I've had enough... just had enough of fucking covid and being alone... i felt isolated before all this shit kicked off and now?" He vented releasing all the fears he had. It was tough, he was a family man without his own little family, he hadn't managed to find anyone to share his life with and it got to him. He tried being sincere and polite, he took care of himself and tried staying true to himself but... something was missing it had to be! On paper he was a safe bet a good man! Yet his relationships never worked. There were different opinions or his other half couldn't handle the life style or they tried changing him or they couldn't put up with the way he loved so furiously- so openly wanting to always hold and kiss them. It just never quite worked.

"Its- fuck everything has just caught up with me...worries I've had for a few years now I could ignore them you know? I had other stuff going on, was always out and about meetings and press tours I was busy! But now?" He tried putting his feeling into words but he was conscious, he didn't want to whine or bitch about his life. He loved his work and the life he had made for himself he just? Wanted someone to share it with.

"Now after covid you've got all the time in the world to think?" Henry nodded agreeing with his brother. Covid had made him face these fears head on. He has been alone for the best part of a year with the uncertainty of his work and filming quarantines and isolations.

"Yeah, it hurts I'm... I'm in deep and I? I don't know how I'm getting out of this slump" henry finally said outloud, his brother dipped his head listening to him as he ranted. Started letting out all the frustration and anxiety out but stopped short with another growl closeing his hand around the cup tightly hissing in frustration then looked away.

"And what's caused it? I know you hate being alone but?" Henry sighed shaking his head as his brother tried coaxing more out of him. He drew in a shaky breath wanting to cry, he was just so lost and upset over being upset and alone.

"Two lock downs... Two alone- I? If this carries on for the next few years I don't... I don't want to be alone anymore! I want to settle down, I want an actual personal life! A relationship a family and? How? How am I gonna find all that? They want fame or money or something! Women never seem to want me for me, they say the do then judge me for my hobbies- I'm a geek I like tech and games and fantasy! And women don't like that" he spewed the words like they were venom, half ashamed of being so dramatic but the fear was real. Henry was scared, he wanted love. He wanted a family of his own, and it seemed impossible, now more then ever.

"I want to meet someone who will take me as I am, for me and I just I'm giving up. I'm giving up on it I can feel it, almost forty and look, alone unmarried no kids-I have no one to share my life with, it hurts am I not good enough for that?"  He hung his head as he spoke the final words put loud. He felt so vain and full of himself when he said them out loud, his skin crawled.

But it was how he felt, being the muscular decent looking man he was didn't go with his personality. He was a geek and the woman who were drawn to him didn't want that. And the woman that shared his hobbies normally weren't confident enough to even speak to him. Society's views on acceptable couples had put Henry in no mans land.

"What about online dating?" His brother spoke up but Henry just grunted rolling his eyes frustrated.

"What? No I cant do that I'd be fucking swamped" he hissed in irritation frustrated at the mere suggestion of him trying to date online.

"Whoa hold your horses let me finish I mean come on Hen there's bound to be hundreds of shy sweet women on there, I mean girls that are into your hobbies and stuff aren't usually the ones out and about partying and stuff, so its more likely they will be online" his brother quickly explained before Henry could pop off on one and shut him down.

Henry opened his mouth and stopped himself. That was a good point. Many of the women he would click with weren't going to be in bars or fancy parties. They were normally shy and at home most of the time reading or playing games.

"I... You really think i could meet someone? Meet the one online?" He asked in a small voice warming to the idea. His sibling smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes little brother, your a down to earth guy, just make a profile and have a look, if you don't like what you see you can delete the profile" henry nodded slowly thinking it over. There'd be no harm if he failed well he'd be no worse off, a little disheartened but that's about it.

"Look write down a few things you want in your dream girl, have a pseudo name like fucking I don't know Hank! Or something and say your a runner on set or something" his brother spoke up quickly as Henry sat back and actually thought about it seriously. He was right, henry could tweak things and be careful about what he shared and if he did meet the one then she'd understand... He could explain the predicament he was in. That he just wanted someone who liked him for him. And he would only reveal himself to her if she was the one and he was sure she would understand. As long as he was himself and honest about everything else in his life then there was no harm... and if he used proper photos of himself just... half cropped out then? It wasn't catfishing? Because he was being himself just using the nickname his mother used to call him.

"O-okay so be myself but... Just tweak a few things? So they don't know its me?" He reiterated to his brother still trying to figure out the morality of this whole idea.

"Yes! No full on pictures, no photos of Kal either new photos henry not old, maybe of your eyes up or something? Girls love blue eyed boy- not your right that brown will give you away... you could even fuck em up with a behind the scenes character photo? I mean come on how many men use a superman photo for their profile these days?" He encouraged wanting more then anything to cheer up his little brother.

"I yeah... That could work ,thank you- I'm sorry I got so worked up it... Its just getting to me now" henry apologised but his brother shook his head and chuckled standing up to go back outside to the others that were all happily chatting in the garden.

"I know Hen, look just give it a go, you might be surprized... come on lets get back out there, after all you are the host~ you cant just run off and hide" henry grinned standing and following his brother. It was decided, he'd give online dating a go!

A week later Henry sat at the computer everything was ready, he'd taken some precise photos and had spent the last half hour writing a profile up. He had felt a little guilty about this... Was he lying? Technically it was him, he was going by Hank which was a nickname his parents gave him as a child, luckily this site didn't require a surname because honestly? He had no clue! To fend off some guilt he had thrown in a behind the scenes photo of himself as superman it wasn't much but it helped take the edge off. The other photos were cropped and there were a good few just so that the women knew he wasn't technically a catfish; he even did one with him covering half of his face with a piece of paper with Hank scrawled across it. At the time he felt silly but it helped with his anxiety over the whole thing.

He paused for a second eyeing the screen rereading the profile over and over trying to make sure it was alright and honest. And it was, he had explained a little about himself, his hobbies and interests and his job... Only brushing over he worked for the film and tv industry recently working for Netflix he hadn't exactly explained what he did but there was enough information.

With a deep breath he clicked the button his mouse hovered over going live with the profile. Now all he had to do was wait and hope he caught a good womans eye. Within moments a few profiles popped up, matches. He scanned them flicking through some of the profiles and felt his heart crack. They were all full of badly filtered photos and used slang that to be honest he didn't even understand. What was so hard about using plain English?

He growled growing frustrated clicking through what were clearly a bunch of wannabe sugar babies. Each profile had a main photo a little bit of info then a few more pictures added to them. He scanned each one quickly going through the motions judging each one. 'Too far away... Your clearly not even eighteen?... Oh you like dc? Really hate to break it to you but thor is not a dc character' Henry grunted as he bypassed what felt like hundreds of women each with their own 'duck face' selfie most advertising their Instagram pages some even ballsy enough to add their only fans pages.

'Wait a second who was that?' He paused and scrolled back up and eyed the image on screen. It was a face on photo a cute woman smiling uncomfortably. Unlike everyone else's there was no distorting blur or heavy editing, the only make up was in the form of eyeliner in a set of black slightly uneven cat eyes. A slightly skewed black flicks making a point of no editing on the photo.

She was a full figured woman with proper kissable round cheeks and a sweet nervous grin. Her eyes were what got him, they were kind and genuine he could see she was uneasy about the photo but she was beautiful. She lived about half hour away which wasn't to bad.

Henry clicked the profile and scrolled down she didn't smoke, drunk occasionally and had no children. She did however have a college education in animal care and ran a small business. Centred on dogs by the looks of it. He moved further down reading the profile.

Y/n, 30, business owner, e/c, 5'4, curvy

I'm shy so will take a while to warm up to you. A honest woman, sometimes to honest I don't seem to have a filter 🤗 I'm laid back and tend to be sarcastic and I love animals I'm a kc certified dog breeder as well as run a small successful business that caters to dogs. So if you are allergic or don't like dogs then leave now but thank you for clicking🙃

I spend most of my free time gaming or reading. I enjoy the fantasy genre and love dc and marvel (though I love dc just a tad more🤫)

I have one fur baby in the form of my lovely girl Amii who is a three year old malamute. Yes malamute not a husky or Akita so again if you don't like dogs or big dogs I'm not the girl for you.

I'm looking for someone to have fun and maybe build a life with. Covid has been tough being single and decided that it was about time I tried this whole online dating thing. If you want to chat pop me a message 🥰

I do not have a personal Instagram, snapchat or only fans! Stop asking for pictures!😠😠

Henry's face split into a huge grin. She seemed to good to be true. She was wholesome, successful in her own right and looked fun. She didn't seem to be full of kale and bullshit. Just genuine and? Henry couldn't put his finger on it but there was something drawing him to this woman.

True to her word there was no Instagram link, no only fans or snap chat or anything. He scrolled further seeing photos of her and the biggest fluffiest dog he had ever seen in his life. She was sitting down next to who he assumed was Amii her dog and he melted. Y/n looked happy and content, living her best life.

There was nothing that sent alarm bells ringing, no racey photos or 'Netflix and chill' innuendos. The profile was clean and genuine.  He was right the woman was a little chunky but extraordinarily beautiful. The curves suited her and made her look more... cheerful and he could tell she was strong aswell, you had to be to have a huge dog like that about you.

There were photos of her walking a large pack of dogs in the wood; that he recognised! They were the very same he took Kal to only ten minuets down the road, he even recognised the small logo of her company on the jacket she wore. He had seen dog walkers wearing the same jacket so he knew of her brand. I he remembered correctly the company offered dog walking, grooming and kennel facilities as well as offering Breeding services helping stud dogs and stuff. They also helped advertise registered breeders and took in rescues for rehoming. It was a brilliant little company that he had even used for Kal once or twice to get his teeth cleaned and nails clipped, because Kal was a bugger for his pedicures!

He moved further down seeing more photos of the woman a small section with the games and tv she liked. Witcher was in both the tv and games category aswell as peaky blinders, Vikings and a few other shows.

Henry paused as he saw the chat button. Should he? He but his lip twisting on the spot in he chair rocking from side to side. What harm is there? He could just send a message she looked like a fun loving woman, he shared the same interests and stuff... so why not?

His fingers hovered over the keys ready to type out the words. But he choked. His mind ran blank what does he say? Hi? I saw your profile? Does he ask for a date? What does he do?

He let his hands fall and growled. Then scanned over the side of the message bar seeing a few pre-typed responses.

'It's a match!' 'You look fun, lets chat' 'I like your profile picture'

He winced they all seemed... wrong? Somehow they were polite and all but it- they wasn't personal or anything just... not quite right. He looked down as Kal came padding over and slumped next to him resting his chin on his foot with a loud sigh. With that Henry had an idea typing away a little message and hitting send before he could really think.

You sighed typing away the latest wage slips and added up all the various overtime, you really needed some more staff on now that lockdown was coming to an end. Thankfully animal care was essential so you hadn't been hit too hard a few staff were on furlough as they were extreme high risk and shielding but you were going out of your way to make the premises covid safe. Luckily it wasn't too hard as much of the business was just a few staff and lots of dogs.

You frowned when a chat icon popped up in to corner of your screen. 'Hank?' You though trying to remember if you knew a Hank? Maybe a client or some old friend... but you honestly couldn't recall. You l saved your document and clicked the small icon bringing up a chat and frowned a you read the little message.

'I call my dog bear but he has nothing on Amii, Shes the fluffiest dog I've ever seen in my life she looks perfect for bear hugs���'

'what the hell?' You cursed scrunching your nose up at the screen rereading the words. That's a bit random... you clicked his icon a small photo of half of his face then froze as a dating profile opened up. 'Oh... shit' you said seeing that your own profile you'd set up a few days ago out of curiosity had garnered the attention of the handsome blue eyed stranger. You swallowed biting you lip thoughts of finishing updating your records now gone as you scanned Hanks profile and a small smile crossed your face.

Hank, 37, works in the film industry. Blue eyes, 6ft, muscular.

Decided to finally try this online dating, unsure what to say other then I'm looking for a life partner. I like to think I'm funny and laid back. I'm fit and active but that doesn't mean you have to be, but maybe my lady could come for walks with me and my four legged son? I promise he's my best freind and a good boy.

My job is tough and I'm away for long periods of time, but when I'm home I like to play games and am into warcraft. I paint miniatures when I can. Fantasy and superheroes are a big part of my hobbies so if you don't like all things geek then I'm probably not for you.

But if they are? Then feel free to message me, I will reply when I can.

You read and re-read the profile And your hands hovered over your chicklet keyboard. Biting your lip, do you respond? He seemed sweet and real... if that made sense. You took a deep breath. What was the worst that could happen? Asking for a plane ticket? You decided to take a chance and typed back a reply hitting send whilst you had your nerve and then flushed.

"And they say fluffy dogs only lure in women~" You giggled to yourself  moving a hand over the huge fluffy girl beside you giving her pets whislt thinking of a reply.

[somnilogical]

transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

--

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

--

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

[sarahburness]

Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

“You are not your struggles. You are the survivor who keeps moving forward in spite of them.” ~Lori Deschene 

My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

She was the type of woman who would speak to anyone in eyesight, make an instant connection, and fill the atmosphere with the kind of joy and laughter that would make anyone think of happy times.

For me, as I knew her well, any extreme traits that did not resemble these were signs that her body was not responding to the medicine and she was having what doctors call an “episode.” These were the times I knew she had to be hospitalized for stabilization. Some episodes were milder than others, but all resulted in my sister and I having to make the tough decisions, for my mother’s well-being, that deep down inside hurt us to the core.

We were like the three amigos, my mother, little sister, and me. We had a powerful bond, and my mother, being a single parent, taught us to be strong, independent, confident women. Growing up, I didn't know that my mom having her episodes would become the norm, and taking her back and forth to the hospital would become routine.

Years later it would never get easier, and each time felt like the first time. Each time I had to put on my armor jacket of strength, suck up my feelings of sadness, and be strong for my mother when she was not able to do that for herself. I had no idea back then that learning how to be so “strong” would eventually be my downfall.

I remember my first time taking my mom to the hospital. My heart raced and my chest filled with so much pressure it felt as if I was about to explode. I was filled with such overwhelming sadness, anger, and helplessness that I couldn't even express if I wanted to. It wasn't the time.

As we sat with my mother in the emergency room, waiting for her to get called back, everything moved in slow motion. Her rage of being taken to the hospital without her initial consent filled my ears with such vulgar slurs and hurtful words that I regularly had to remind myself it was her “condition” talking, not her.

Life can put us in situations where we are forced to be strong even when we feel weak inside. Society will give you the impression that being strong is a good thing. We are programmed to show strength and not express our weakness. It’s almost this hidden outlook as if expressing your weakness will allow someone or a situation to break you, and once we are broken, we can’t put the pieces back together.

We become so good at portraying strength; we fool others into believing that we have everything under control and do not need help. But, as I found over the years of being the strong one and continually putting on my armor jacket of strength, I was doing more harm to myself than good.

Here are some lessons I've learned since realizing that being the “strong” one is not always the best solution:

1. Don’t isolate yourself from others.

There were many times when my mother's episodes were extreme, and I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my inner circle. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through, and it felt like I was in a battle all by myself. Unlike a physical disease, there are so many negative stigmas that can come with having a mental disorder. The fear of both my mother and I being judged and ridiculed was enough to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself.

During these times being social was the last thing on my mind. I avoided social outings with friends and family like the plague because I felt like I was going through things they wouldn't understand.

The more I isolated myself, the more toxic my mind became. When I was by myself, I would constantly dwell on my negative thoughts. They would race through my mind all day, and it was extremely hard for me to see the positive.

On the days when I did have a brief interaction with my friends, I was no longer the voice of reason but instead the “Debby Downer” who no one wanted to be around. The calls eventually slowed down, and my circle of friends became smaller and smaller.

Contrary to what I believed, when I finally decided to open up it made a world of difference for me. When I told a close friend the details of what I was going through, she said she could sense something was wrong with me and extended her listening ear. Even though she wasn't able to directly relate, she had a close friend whose sister had a similar diagnosis, so she was able to understand my concerns and offer a few stress management tips.

This one little moment speaking with my friend felt so freeing. I was finally able to open up to someone and not feel as if I was in a battle all by myself. Moments like those helped me realize that isolating myself was not aiding my strength but actually adding unnecessary stress.

When you isolate yourself, you tend to feel like you’re in battle alone and forget that it's innate for people who care about you to want to be there for you. Your friends and loved ones will be able to sense when something is wrong and will naturally want to offer support. By opening a dialogue, you might be surprised by how many people can relate in some way.

Even if someone is not able to directly relate, there are hidden messages of encouragement that you can receive when you least expect it. Allowing yourself to be around others during these times can make a shift in your energy, which can help make your days brighter.

2. Don’t hold your feelings inside.

I think one thing many tend to forget is that holding your feelings inside doesn’t make them go away. When you bottle your emotions inside you are allowing the pressure of the build-up to take control of your body. These feelings cause more harm than good. When worrying becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of high anxiety and cause you to become ill. Stress, according to the American Psychological Association, is the leading cause of some of the most severe chronic diseases.

In the early years of my mother’s diagnosis, I would allow stress to consume my life. When high levels of stress would occur, I frequently became sick. I would frequent the doctor for stomach pains and was soon told that continuing on that path could result in causing a stomach ulcer.

Being “strong” does not mean that you need to keep things bottled up with no outlet. This is an unconscious thing we tend to do without thinking about the long-term effects. It is vital that we allow ourselves to handle the crisis by finding a positive outlet. Meditation and exercise can be great tools to use that will allow you to release the energy needed.

3. Let yourself be vulnerable.

In every healthy relationship, there must be a sense of vulnerability. Whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, vulnerability is needed for each person to be in their truth and for the connection to be genuine.

When you are put in situations where you have to be strong at all times you tend to build a wall up, what I like to call the “wall of protection.” This is a wall that builds over time and grows as you are forced to overcome more adversity.

The more you are forced to be strong and fight your battles, the higher the wall gets. In these moments of struggle, you are forced to take on an intensive militant mindset, figure out the problem quickly, and find the solution. You have no room for errors or mistakes. Because you are the strong one, your mind thinks if you allow a mistake everything will crumble.

I spent years unconsciously pushing people away without knowing it. I was accustomed to handling every battle that came my way on my own. My “wall of protection” eventually turned into this hard exterior that pushed everyone away, including men I was dating. It shielded my soft, playful side and turned me into someone who was a pro at masking her emotions.

How can you have a genuine relationship with no vulnerability? How can anyone get to know you if they only see and understand one side of you? Eventually, that relationship will drift away because it has no foundation to stand on.

By putting on your strong masquerade, you block others from seeing the real you. Without allowing someone to get to know you, including your fears and what makes you happy and sad, they are just getting to know your representative, not your true self.

What if you didn't have to fight the battle alone? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting when you are going through hard times, you allow yourself to receive love. And love is by far the most prominent weapon one needs to overcome whatever obstacles come his or her way.

About Lauren Marie Williams

Lauren Marie Williams is a transformational business coach for ambitious women and new entrepreneurs. She created a Morning Routine Plan that will help you make a powerful shift in your life in only five days. You can download your FREE copy here www.bit.ly/theultimatemorning.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-i-cant-always-be-strong-one-what-do-now-instead/

[samuellbronko]

cant we all just get along?

ive come back from a relaxing week away in Wilsons Prom to see this blow up once again. every day there's people posting hate/fear posts about Trump, racist/russia/sexist, the list is endless... yet when i post one simple statement of saying people should finally move on and let the man do his job, i get the total opposite in such nasty depth, i cbf'd reading through all the hate, the attacks, the bullshit derailing semantics, the intellectual stabs and in relentless volume, this is still going after a week - move on already ffs! in the end it just gets everyone more angry, upset & divided which wasnt my point, quite the contrary... my point was to simply move on from all this hate bullshit and accept reality but it's clear the next 4 years are going to be possibly the roughest in the history of american politics, and in turn creating more a separation and unrest globally... but i have faith we can all get along eventually...

it's shouldnt be about being right or wrong, it's about having an opinion and expressing yourself regardless what others may think, it's all perspective and how you see things personally... it's also about knowing when to stop smashing your head against the wall in this pointless online exercise... if anything these online debates have proven there's a massive divide in society nowadays, up there with cold war times and rising towards the peak of anti communism, neither side is willing to see where the other is coming from, particularly the left as they tend to be more stubborn / arrogant...

ive already lost many associates and even close friends from sharing my opinions, which is simply how i see things... people shouldnt hold a grudge or judge someone based on bullshit like this, if you are friends and have respect for each other, you should be able to look beyond the details you dont agree with, that's the basis of connection, of respect and deep bonds that shouldnt be so easily broken. unfortunately this idea which i thought was common practice is disappearing fast, people are choosing their moral stance or feel violated in someway that they stick to their tribe/collective that supports their beliefs, and if that means losing friends, even close ones you hold dear to your heart, then so be it... we are all so unique and with our own experiences shape us, so not one person can possibly be the same from every perspective... heck if i started to hold a grudge against everyone i know for their music/film/political/sexual/religious views, i would have no friends, as would everyone im quite certain!

this is the real downfall with the de-evolution of society nowadays... with so much war, fear mongering via mainstream media, consumerism, comparison to others, grass is always greener, more greed, more debt, more unease, less freedom, less expression, less exploration, we are on the brink of a global civil war... it shouldnt be hard to work out we are all humans, 1 race, not donkeys and snakes, but blacks, whites, hispanic, asian, muslim, euro, whatever the fuck you are, we are still all human genetically. so why are we fighting so much? why cant we all just get along? why is the divide get greater and greater?

after someone like Trump who comes into power out of left field, majority are triggered and cant deal with reality anymore, syntax error, their safe space is broken and there's not enough playdough or pet therapy to be able to cope with the fact that he speaks his mind, says the occasional out of line thing, who takes some hard lines on certain areas, but ultimately most of Trump's supporters believe he has the best interest of america as his priority. not like the last 20 years or so of bullshit power playing politics, inter family control & game playing, deception at the highest level in years.

if you want to really look at a problem, look at how Obama royally fucked everything, more debt than every president combined before him. more people on food stamps than ever before. funded and created isis, which in turned has destroyed libiya and now syria with over half a million people killed & millions displaced creating out refugee problem... obamacare made healthcare unaffordable for low to middle class, doubling in price after a short period in some states & having no other healthcare alternative... drone strikes became a huge thing while he was in power... not to mention TPP and many other global elite initiatives to line the pockets of the rich & forget and the working man...

yet no one is talking about this catastrophe that Obama left behind, why? has the media got such a stronghold with their mind control and propaganda that you arent able to think for yourself anymore? i think msm has a big part of dictating what people think and what they oppose to suit their agenda. even if you dont directly follow msm but majority are still within it's grasp cause of how social media distributes this information & how people interact offline, which slowly ingests into your psyche & takes over. mind control 101. oh but Obama has got such a great smile & is so charming, how could he do anything wrong!? that's how many see him, which is why Trump honest approach is such a contrast to Obama's deceptive ways and intellectual lawyer talk, twisting words into riddles, suggesting something without directly blaming someone...

Hillary was the worst choice for the DNC, majority agree with that, she would've picked up where Obama left off and fucked it royally for the next 4 years, 10 fold, cause she and her cronies are the definition of evil. i am quite certain in a short space of time something staged would happen and we would be with war with russia, which meant ww3, which meant us australians would be conscripted. so i thought it was vital to speak out about this potential disaster and be open to someone like Trump who i hated initially as well, due to my limited knowledge of his regime & personality. if she didnt rig the votes for sanders he wouldve been a more competitive opponent to Trump, instead it was a landslide...

independent thinking is becoming extinct, being an individual like what was happening in the 60s and 70s is out style and now taboo. people are forced to conform to the safety of the latest political correctness update, to ensure no one is offended, left out or miss-labelled. people like my friend Jean-Claude Esteller dont give a shit about these rules, and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact like Trump i respect him more for speaking his mind with no filter, even if i dont agree with everything he says and his tone. if you cant tolerate how someone speaks, walk away, hide the post or unfollow the person, simple. no need to make such a fuss about how someone expresses themselves, that is their right. this unfiltered way of thinking, talking and acting is what got Trump into power, majority of the states agree & voted him in cause they respect someone who is willing to speak their mind, not play the pc safe game that society has created and now expect. they wanted change and they got it.

it's a real shame things have come to such a breaking point. the only way we have to move forward in a positive path is to become one again. there's a thing called collective consciousness and even if you arent spiritual, most will admit we are somehow all connected. consciousness has been proven to exist and science acknowledges this, yet they cant prove it exists... at times like this when society is so angry and divided, it's hard to see that we are all on this earth for the same reason, and to get along, be in a collective harmony of love and respect, rather than hate and isolation/separation. we have converted back to primal ways with tribe mentality. everyone grouping together and taking out the minority who dont conform to the collective way of thinking/acting/speaking. we have become more like our former primate form, behaviour of monkeys and other primates prove this is how they still behave. since many feel like their morals and way of life have been threatened, without even realising we are reverting to this tribe mentality for survival... when in fact we should get back on track to the evolved form of homosapiens, not just intelligent and process/technology driven, but intuitive, love and compassion, global unity... so we as a species can survive the pending doom if we continue on this path of destruction of mother earth and separation to the point of extinction of the human race...

if we do manage to slowly become one and work together to help the planet, be self sufficient without natural resources, help each other and love one another, we could actually evolve into a higher level of consciousness like never before, the next evolution from our primal state... i strongly believe that this will be the only way we survive the next 10000 years, even the next 10-20 years with how things are constantly crumbling, a critical shift has to occur. we all can play our part since we are all connected, by being good to one another, sharing and helping others, focus on healing yourself and overcoming past trauma and blocks/triggers that affect your daily life, avoid worries from the past and future that keep you from being present and more free without these restrictions. love over hate, forgiveness over resentment & retaliation, affection and generosity rather than greed and isolation...