#in a way he understands anyways but he doesnt know that Cas doesnt desire or is able to accept that

[nevarroes]

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now roll over already😖

[autisticandroids]

hey so you know how you said a while back that cas doesnt really have a moc/demon dean or soulless Sam equivalent but if he did he would act the same bc hes horny and loves dean?? I agree and he would just do it WAY more unabashedly. my question is, in the version of spn where the writers are smarter AND more homophobic, how would they justify cas's actions? bc they cant use the cloak of humanity bc cas doesnt give a FUCK about humanity. so what would they do

okay the thing is that cas doesn't have a demon dean/soulless sam style arc because it wouldn't... do anything? the thing about cas is that he doesn't have inhibitions in the traditional sense. like he doesn't... feel the eyes of god or society watching him.

i had a long conversation with @pietacastiel the other day about whether cas has the capacity for "should" - and he really just... doesn't. there are two things that stand in for "should" for cas - one, "if i do this, [insert other person (usually dean but not always)] will like me," and two, "[insert person who i trust and obey] has told me to do this, and i will obey their command blindly because i am a good boy."

like, basically, number one is an essentially machiavellian calculation. he's trying to be someone that other people want around, so he makes himself useful to them or enjoyable to be around or likeable or what have you. it's entirely self-serving and probably wouldn't change if you took away his inhibitions or his empathy or his conscience or whatever.

number two is like... it's too intellectual to count as inhibitions, exactly - it's explicit rules that he has set down for himself, without internalizing. to give an example, cas knows that he's not supposed to watch porn in a room full of dudes, and he's not supposed to talk about it, but he will never understand WHY those things are true. he will just obey those commands.

in terms of other ethical behavior that cas demonstrates... the thing about cas is that he's just a nice person? he's highly empathetic, he likes to make other people happy, he likes to be friends, he's a sweetheart. he genuinely wants the best for people. he particularly wants the best for his nearest and dearest. this is what's going on when he heals babies, or decides that he's not gonna kill kelly, or sacrifices his life for dean. he is fundamentally doing what he wants. he wants dean to be alive more than he wants to not be dead, you know?

this is actually one of the things that makes cas so dangerous: empathy is fickle. if the only thing that's standing between you and murdering somebody is you liking that somebody and wanting to be their friend, you might murder them once they piss you off. or once something comes up that makes them being dead more valuable to you than you being their friend. and this is why cas is kind of a terrible person! this is why he's constantly doing war crimes. he doesn't really have a system of ethics.

now, here's the thing: cas does carry around a lot of guilt, but it's deeply ineffectual. it doesn't really change his behavior towards other people. it only really does two things: first of all, it convinces him that other people hate him and don't want him around. this intensifies his desperate need to be liked, and therefore his trying to be liked, but isn't the root of it. second of all, it makes him punish himself, stuff like trying to stay in purgatory.

now, if we did a demon dean/soulless sam situation on cas... what would that look like?

well, he would certainly lose all that guilt he's carrying around, but how would that affect his behavior? the main two effects, i think, would be to make him more confident and therefore bolder in terms of trying to be liked, and make him stop punishing himself/deciding that he deserves bad things.

the confidence boost might lead to him, say, throwing himself at dean a bit more than he does, but i don't think the change would be radical. i think it would just be kicked up a notch. but it's an issue of rational judgement more than inhibitions so i think he would stay basically the same. now, cas' judgement isn't the best, and in the context of relationships at least, if nowhere else, his guilt complex does semi-effectively combat his natural tendency towards total overconfidence, so it might have some serious effect, but i still argue it's rather a matter of degrees.

and him not punishing himself so much might lead to him doing things like getting more mad when dean treats him poorly, but not that much more, because fundamentally the reason cas doesn't get mad when dean treats him badly isn't because he thinks he deserves it - he does think that, but mostly he's just scared that if he gets mad or sets boundaries dean won't like him anymore. again, it's a matter of judgement. he's probably less scared that dean won't like him anymore if he sets boundaries because the elimination of the guilt complex makes him less convinced that everyone hates him, but the anxiety is still there - it's just less intense.

in terms of cas' other sources of ethics and inhibitions - wanting to be liked, obedience, empathy - these would be affected differently if he was like soulless sam and if he was like demon dean.

if cas lost his inhibitions the way soulless sam did... he wouldn't change that much, at least in terms of his personal relationships. he would lose his capacity for empathy, which means that he would be more likely to be a dick to randos on the street, or commit war crimes, but it wouldn't really change how he conducts his relationships, because the inhibitions he holds in relationships are intellectual, they're a matter of judgement anyhow. honestly i think he might still, for example, happily die for dean, if we're arguing that soullessness comes from a lack of empathy or conscience rather than a lack of all emotion, because his desire for dean to be alive is entirely selfish. he likes the world more with dean in it and that's that. so i think soulless cas would be more likely to be a dick behind the scenes - maybe pull some godstiel arc ass shit again - but it wouldn't necessarily change his treatment of those closest to him that much.

now, a demon dean style loss of inhibitions would look different, because demon dean's basic emotions weren't dampened - he was made more selfish and hedonistic and rebellious, and didn't care about other people. interestingly, demon dean didn't seem to lose his capacity for empathy - remember in black when he punched that guy who was abusive to that girl? he didn't do that because it was the right thing to do - he did it because it felt good, because he empathized with her situation and it gave him a rush to get her out of it. so a demonized cas' empathy is intact. but his "shoulds" - those are all out of whack. he's actively rebelling against them. obviously he would simply no longer obey the ones that are like, "follow this rule and you will never know why." but he would also stop trying to be liked. i think demon cas might in fact tell dean that he's been in love with him for years - while screaming an itemized list of every fucked up thing dean has ever done to cas in his face, and telling him to never speak to him again. hell, we've seen cas throw a temper tantrum like this before - "you're not my family, dean, i have no family" in the man who knew to much. demon cas would be like that except without it then causing him to have an immediate mental breakdown.

i would argue, however, that cas has had his own loss of inhibitions comparable to demon dean and soulless sam - crazy cas. it even follows the alliteration pattern, heh. this is because cas' inhibitions are far more in his brain than his heart, and to get rid of them you need to impair his judgement, not fuck with his feelings. like, his shoulds are entirely intellectual. i want to be liked, therefore i should do this, which will effectively cause other people to like me. i want to be a good boy for god/dean, therefore i will obey this rule they gave me. if you fuck with cas' judgement, you fuck with those inhibitions. so arguably crazy cas is cas' equivalent to demon dean and soulless sam.

anyway, to answer your question, i feel like soulless cas wouldn't necessarily need a cover, like, he might, oh, i don't know, covertly arrange more opportunities to be alone with dean or stuff like that, but he's not going to try and sleep with him because he still has most of his inhibitions in tact. demon cas they might have to admit is in love with dean and then kill, because i think demon cas would probably kiss dean and then punch him and leave. you know. and crazy cas we saw in canon.

[smilesandcurls]

09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on