#impulsive 1 am post go brrrr

[bloodied-thorns]

Hihi! Mun here!

Formal notice that this blog will NOT be active again. After everything that has happened, both in my life and in the community, I feel its best to lay this blog to rest.

I'm no longer interested in this charcater. And I don't really want to be affiliated with the dsmp! Though I do have some good memories of it and am obsessed with the storytelling it once had.

I'd like to thank all my moots and the other rp blogs for helping give me a platform and engaging with me <3

(Seriously @krisgoatpher and @sunflowerseraph tysm!!!)

I did make a new account to revamp this blog but never really got to it. But! I wrote a half-finished comeback post that I don't think past me would have wanted to rot in my drafts so... here!

That's all from me! Wishing you all the best :]

[chairteeth]

BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ON ANIME TOUKA! Please, I invite anyone who wants to ask me about my faves to do so, I assure you I will always have thoughts and I am constantly very excited to share them. So first of all, I take the anime as a sort of alternate continuity, but I don't think it changes anything about the characters, therefore to me it only ever added to my understanding of a character. Prime example, Touka and Nemu. In this case lemme talk some more about Touka and how the anime portrayed her.

Firstly, I was very glad that despite the time constraints, they actually portrayed my girls the way I would have wanted them to (evidently, had I been in charge, I would've made it just a touch gayer). What I mean by that is, well, this is a reblog of "Nishi's very long rant about how people never stop to think about the mental health of younger characters because ageism goes brrrr", so I think you know what I'm referring to. Touka was, from a certain point on, under immense pressure from literally anything. It's the type of pressure that would break an adult, let alone a child. She doesn't lash out just because she's immature or impatient or arrogant (though there are pieces of that at play here), she lashes out and gives into impulse because she's stressed out of her mind.

That mostly applies to the Magius era, you might think. And yeah, you'd be kind of correct, if not because trauma is a scar that doesn't go away so easily. ESPECIALLY for a child. I'm not gonna go in-depth about the long term consequences of that stress on Touka, but in the anime we did see her have A Little Bit Of A Mental Breakdown when she remembered what she'd tried to do to Iroha and all that, and in the anime they showed us a bit of the pressure Touka was under. We also saw something that I don't believe we've seen more than once or twice ever for Touka and Nemu, and that is direct verbal communication.

You know in Season 3 Episode 2, when Touka gets her memories back and all, and she needs to actually ask Nemu why she hid the truth from her? Nemu explains, then Touka firstly retains her calm, states her conclusion so that Nemu can confirm if she understood correctly. She does that twice. Once she gets her second confirmation is when she outright slaps Nemu, which Iroha seems shocked by but I do love that she doesn't interfere because frankly this is not something she should ever try to disrupt. Importantly, after the slap and one shouted question that is not seeking an answer but rather communicating disapproval/disappointment, Touka doesn't keep yelling nor does she slap Nemu again. Not only that, but you know what Nemu does in that situation? It's something subtle they do more often than you'd think. She surrenders her will. Touka does something similar in the game's Arc 1 Chapter 10, at one point, when she wavers in her convictions and sounds insecure about what to say or do, until Nemu steps in, and then Touka follows. I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly, but when you take a closer look, they do this enough times that it shouldn't be ignored. They rely on one another for direction. I'll probably talk more about this in another essay but that scene in the anime was one of my favorites. Heck, Nemu directly asks Touka what she wants to do (most of the time, they do not communicate so directly, the way they communicate is its own fascinating topic).

To continue with that scene, Touka then calmly, very calmly, explains her side of things. I'd like to point out much like I did in the essay above that her voice in this scene lacks the usual cheerfulness or anger, she doesn't have a mask on right now. There's a scene in the game's Arc 2 Chapter 5 that is our only voiced instance of Touka and Nemu alone together, and she sounds exactly the same, if a little more neutral. The tones of voice can be so telling with these two I swear- but anyway, back to the post-slap scene itself. Nemu, without prompting, reassures Touka of her own feelings about the matter, and that is the moment where they know they're on the same page again. The second Touka says that having those memories means she can do anything, they both know what they're going to do. All they're doing is reinforcing each other's understanding. Iroha even seems confused the more they talk. But they get it. And then Touka tells Nemu she was right to hide the truth from her in light of the risk (this is also where they start doing that thing they also have a bit of a tendency to do, which is sharing a personal space bubble, but shh, that only matters for my shipper brain's interpretation of this relationship, just ugh come on they're even forehead to forehead in this part). Nemu apologizes again, and does something we rarely see (because they rarely communicate on camera, verbally, and directly, which means we've basically only seen this once or twice before in the game). That being, she admits emotional vulnerability. I like to think the subsequent forehead thing is Touka's way of reassuring her without interrupting her in that moment, like a squeeze of the hand, since she's the one who'd have to bend over to reach eye level with Nemu.

Iroha, by this point, is terribly confused. She does not realize every message those two just exchanged in front of her. And hey, I'll say it, I think this is better than the game's instant "oh no we were wrong and bad let us help". Fully conscious of everything now, they both turn on Iroha to finish their mission. They put her in timeout and go on to pilot Eve into Walpurgisnacht. I'm not sure if they had a plan to get off of Eve before the big shockwave that would occur from the two megawitches clashing, or if they were exhibiting yet another typical TouNemu behavior (dying). I'm leaning towards the latter, considering Nemu tells Iroha that in the timeout corner, she will be able to survive the shockwave. Unless Nemu can make another one of those barrier thingies for herself and Touka, well. We know how that would end. They also do something that is also interesting here, that being they take complete responsibility for everything. They tell Iroha that none of this is her fault and that it was all them, and they almost sound parent-like when they tell her that when she wakes up, all of the scary things will be over. Then they decide to get back to making Their Mistake. Very gay indicative of good mental health of them, certainly (/s).

After this, they even fight Iroha and the others for a bit. For the most part, it's mask time again, at least until Iroha hits a nerve later. Iroha manages to "convince" them to stop, only for them to see things getting bad later and then doing the getting on the same page thing again but with less words to essentially pull off a kamikaze attack fully aware of what they were doing and without a second thought! Very TouNemu of them.

That's the most organized I can make my thoughts on short notice, at least, so I hope you enjoyed that? It's hard to talk about one of these two without talking about the other soooo yeah. And, random tidbit since the anime has been brought up. Thank you Nemu for adding driving skills to the Rumor Spreader exclusively so that it could safely drive your princess who hates walking to places, very sapphic of you. Plus the whole slap scene and subsequent events. Very intimate of you both, girls. Highly "our lives are bound and where you go I will follow, even death" of you. Extremely sun and moon analogy. Typical TouNemu behavior.

Actually if you'll allow I must squeal and throw screenshots on here about the. Hhh. Them. They're so sweet... Soulmates...

"The Many Masks of Touka Satomi"

So I actually wanted to refine this certified word vomit of mine before I put it anywhere buuuut I figured this would be a good time to let it out of its containment zone. This is essentially me overthinking the crap out of everything ever and coming out of it with this interpretation of Touka in particular. Informal essay under the cut! It will have extra tangents! And I blend a bit of what we were shown in the anime into my interpretation, but this is game canon.

Whenever Touka is discussed, the words "child", "immature", "selfish", and "arrogant" are the ones most often thrown around. There is usually not much more discussion after that. Well, I'm not here to say it's wrong, it's correct for the most part, I'm just here to draw attention to the fact that there's so much more to her than meets the eye. So, hear me out, if you would.

Touka's levels of vulnerability in the Magius era. That's already interesting by virtue of it being the Magius era. That's a really interesting era. Ui was what brought Touka and Nemu together and Ui was the cornerstone of their relationship for a while, so losing that RETROACTIVELY kinda makes you wonder exactly what their memories of the hospital era became. How exactly the two of them met, became friends, came to share a room, etc. Because the quotes are from their Magius selves and so we know they very much remember being roommates for a long time and still consider each other reliable and trustworthy (also the entirety of Nemu's swimsuit costume story which spawns many questions when you stop to think about it but I will touch on that some other time). We know that in reality, the hospital trio began to share a room after Touka, in her infinite princess behavior, asked her dad to put all three of them in the same room because it was annoying to walk between the rooms so often (source: TouNemu Christmas alt quotes). Interesting choice on her part back then considering she seemingly wanted Nemu out of the way, but I will touch on that another time because the hospital era has its own analysis.

Okay then, let's talk about Touka's role as a Magius. A leader. One who shoulders the burdens of the many. She willingly exposed herself to the weight of a whole people's sorrow, pain, grief, anger. And then she chose to lead them. To avenge them. It may not have started that way but it sure as heck got there at some point (thank you anime for helping out with this point). Now, I want to stop here for a moment and remind everyone that during Arc 1, Touka was 11 to 12 years old (as per the JP script, she is 12 by the end of it). Not only that, but if you pay attention, you'll notice the stress of Nemu's declining health is killing her. Nemu is quite literally the only person Magius Touka shows genuine concern for. This one person she cares about more than anyone else, slowly dying for the plan. For the cause. And as the sort of "main leader", Touka can't back down. She just can't. It would be not only a betrayal to "her people", but also to the one closest to her, the one who has arguably sacrificed the most for their salvation. So then, with someone as full of herself as Touka, someone seemingly so arrogant... What about her own health and wellbeing? What about her own sense of self? Because I have a feeling she doesn't really have one.

The way she always emphasizes the genius aspect of herself and even uses it as an excuse and brings it up so often feels like that's all she sees herself as. Nemu gives, yes. Nemu has similar issues. But hers are much, much more obvious. Less concealed. Touka gives without measure, without the slightest care for herself. She's selfish and at the same time one of the most selfless characters. There's also the interpretation that, at their very core, Touka and Nemu both just wanted to live. But I feel like that was only at the beginning. If that was all there was to it, the plan would not have continued with Nemu's life at risk, Touka would not put herself in the line of fire. Essentially, Touka has taken on way, way too much responsibility, as well as crafting several masks. Don't forget, just like every other magical girl, she led a double life the entire time, and she financed a lot of the cult's operations. Though I don't have any doubt many of the richer members contributed to the budget with their ridiculous allowances that they do not use.

Touka had to hide from everyone. She couldn't show her true self to anyone. Not her father who loves her so deeply, not anyone else in her civilian life, not her subordinates, Alina is not the most warm and welcoming to be around... so her only option is Nemu. That's comfortable. That's familiar. But. Then there are the many, many feelings she has about Nemu. It's, complicated you see. Touka feels many ways about Nemu. For starters, if their memory of Ui is gone, it means all of the warmth and kindness Ui had must've taken another form, which explains the difference in their bond, how they seem so much... closer, as Magius. Either way, even back then, Nemu is the only one who would understand. Touka Satomi is an actress. Everywhere else is her stage, and Nemu is backstage. So, Touka can only ever be truly 100% vulnerable with Nemu. Yet she still didn't do it. I don't think Magius Touka ever really fully 100% relied on Nemu. She may have wanted to, and she does call her reliable in her quotes. But well, with Nemu's health getting worse and worse, she may have come to the conclusion that it would be for the best (health-wise) if Nemu didn't have to share her burden.

However, Nemu's declining health also brought something else. Touka took on another role: the protector. Nemu is practically helpless during the mid to late Magius era. Not completely helpless, she's still a strong magical girl, mind you, but could drop or have an attack at any time. We see this multiple times such as in Mifuyu's MGS, her own MGS, and she even has what is basically a stroke during Arc 1 Chapter 8, 4:02:36 - 4:03:43 in the video if you want to take a listen (I have a Magius Nemu essay in the works, don't you fret). Therefore, Touka has to be alert and ready to respond immediately. Which I think is why we see more of Alina outside than Touka. Touka lingers around where Nemu is and only hesitantly hands her over to Alina or Mifuyu when she absolutely must. Other than the sheer pain of watching Nemu bleed herself dry and being unable to do anything about it, not because she physically can't, but because she can't in a different sense... she also can't revert things back to the way they were, for all of her genius and medical knowledge she can't help Nemu, she can't help her best friend feel even a little better. This leads us to the undeniable fact that Touka is very, very unstable and volatile as a Magius. That's not the impression she first gives at all, of course.

Arc 1 Chapter 6 is where we first meet Magius Touka. She's calm, with a cold cheerfulness to her, calculated. Most importantly, I feel like the reason she was the one doing the lecture instead of literally just sending Mifuyu was because she recognized Team Mikazuki as a possible threat and specifically did not like Iroha, which was also why she lied. The one and only thing Touka lied about in her lecture: Iroha asked where Nemu was, Touka said they parted ways after being discharged. Blatant gigantic lie. And seriously, the only reason she'd have to lie about that and in that specific way would be to protect Nemu. At that point, Iroha and her team have wiped out a handful of uwasa, so she must have known. But yes, this is not at all how she really feels or what she really thinks. This is just another mask (I will talk about Touka's plastic smile and Nemu's poker face ANOTHER TIME). Because she needs to nip any aspirations Iroha may have in the bud, hopefully recruit more Feathers, and neutralize the threat that is Team Mikazuki.

What happens just as she's starting to go off the deep end? How convenient, it seems Yachiyo and Iroha have spent a good amount of their time destroying uwasa, thus wasting Nemu's repeated sacrifices, and forcing her to make more in order to meet their energy quota. Honestly, who wouldn't be losing it, at that point? So close to salvation, so close to freedom, so close to being done. And they're ruining not only the plan but also everything it means for her and the person she loves most. When you really think about it, Touka's mental health was, forgive the crude language, IN DEEP SHIT throughout Arc 1. Not that it was great before or that it improved too much after, but yeah, I do believe people do not give this enough thought.

Finally, with all of this in mind, as for the topic of this rant being Touka's levels of vulnerability as a Magius... There were none. She had no choice. At first it was fine. At first, before the gears turned too fast to stop, she could deal with it. She could confide in Nemu, even a little bit in Alina or Mifuyu (though not much), but it got worse and worse. Mifuyu was clearly blind to all of this the entire time (she, much like everyone other than Touka, didn't seem to care that Nemu had to give up her life force for each uwasa, and if you disagree I will point out the scene at the end of Mifuyu's MGS as one of my more than five pieces of evidence). Alina likely didn't care enough, and Nemu was probably too exhausted, although the concern must've been there. In summary, Magius Touka stands alone in her mind, and with her mind. Arc 1 was practically a descent into madness for her. When you start thinking about things from Touka's perspective, you start to see how abysmal her mental health was.

As part of my conclusion I'd like to say that honestly, it makes sense why she gave off the feeling of being lost for a decent chunk of... everything after Arc 1. What is she supposed to do without a purpose? What is she supposed to do without anything or anyone to tell her what she is and who she is? Not to mention the fucking ton of bricks to her face that must've been getting her memories back. I do not know how she didn't break. I legitimately do not know how she survived. During that little "lost" stage she had, I got the feeling she'd relapse back to her suicidal tendencies. It was... less "a feeling" and more "exactly what canon did", it's just slightly (badly) disguised.

ANYWAY. What I mean is that the children are complex and I ask everyone to have more respect and more compassion for them. I will be back with more about the performer and her backstage, hopefully in a more organized format.