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holinessanddesire · 5 years ago

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Excerpt: ‘What’s Wrong with a World Run by Desire?’

In his 2016 album Darkness and Light John Legend wondered aloud how his baby daughter would fare growing up into the world he knows, a world ‘run by desire’.

The vitality of desire is not humankind’s main problem. Quite the reverse, actually. I don’t think that our spiritual energies should be engaged upon the lifelong, doomed task of evading, banishing, neutralising or – failing all else – finding ways to slip out temporarily from under its power. We, good stoics, would lose in our achieved indifference…all this: longing, wanting, lacking, yearning, wishing, hoping, burning, hungering, thirsting, calling, praying, reaching, remembering, mourning. Without these the only thing left to want is death.

‘Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp’, wrote Robert Browning, ‘Or what’s a heaven for?’ The question acknowledges that the idea of heaven may be powerful, even necessary, but might not be true. It could be a fantasy, constructed only to keep longing alive. In the context of the poem, it sounds almost like a counsel of despair.

But Browning’s lines escaped their context and became an inspirational aphorism. Taken on their own, the lines keep God at a controllable distance, allowing for a human-centred vision into which optional homeopathic doses of the divine can be dripped as a brightener. They fit quite neatly into the family of inspirational tropes and vaguely spiritualised mission statements.

Modern culture is in the business of narrowing the distance between ‘reach’ and ‘grasp’, to make heaven unnecessary. (Or at least to make it so that heaven really is a place on earth, as in the Belinda Carlisle song from the 1980s.) Rhetoric about the ambition of the human spirit is built into commerce, into civic rhetoric, into education. When ‘reach’ and ‘grasp’ are treated as synonyms, possibility and fulfilment can be made to melt improbably into each other. The promise of fulfilment is everywhere, from the can-do HSBC adverts which line the walls of airport jet bridges to the words of the secular primary school song ‘Believe’, which carelessly loads onto every child the burden of compulsory success:

I can do anything at all,

I can climb the highest mountain,

I can feel the ocean calling wild and free.

I can be anything I want,

with this hope to drive me onward,

if I can just believe in me.

This is great positioning for advertising. Adverts exploit the gap between hope and fulfilment by implying that the one will become the other. Adverts also need them not to, because fulfilment doesn’t sell things. In watching an advert we are watching a fantasy from which our sophisticated distance is assumed. They are constructed to exert influence rather than to command assent, though the less sophisticated rollover which assent delivers is always welcome.

Yet the gap between hope and fulfilment which adverts pretend to bridge is a gap we need.

Fulfilment that extinguishes hope renders its own benefits invisible. The gap is where we live, the place of desire. And when the gap is only acknowledged with success as a pre-condition (‘with this hope to drive me onward’) desire is dangerously harnessed. For those many - those most; those all - who discover that the mountains are, after all, too high, the ocean too dangerously wild and wet and deep, failure and shame attend an astonished disappointment. Nothing to wish for except the thing we failed at, nothing to hope for except the thing we thought was already our due. Nothing acknowledged to be beyond the human grasp. Success might even be worse - no bounds, no checks, no perspective. If the whole universe is imagined to be smaller than a single human will, then that single human will is a giant adrift in a wilderness of nowhere. But we are not giants. We are small people tricking ourselves. We are confined in ways that the songs and the adverts simply will not admit.

You can only sing ‘imagine there’s no heaven’ with real enthusiasm if you truly believe that there’s an easily closable gap between reach and grasp. The lyrics of John Lennon’s song are millenarian, eschatological. The perfect time when humankind sings in harmony and lives in peace is here - or just around the corner, anyway. But it wasn’t. It isn’t. In the end, the longing of a song like ‘Imagine’ is exactly the same as the longing for heaven in Browning’s poem - it points to a wonderful elsewhere that cannot be touched. As I was growing up, across the 1970s and 80s, people seemed uncertain about whether it couldn’t be touched because it had already happened (the 1960s being so decisively over, so enviable) or whether it was on its way somehow and still unfolding.

The headmaster of my primary school preached to us almost weekly about the imminent coming of the end-times, newspaper in hand to match current events up to the relevant passages from Revelation. We would all sing ‘God is working his purpose out’ accompanied by wailing recorders. And the earth shall be filled with the glory of God as the waters cover the sea. I became wary of apocalyptic sunsets. I prayed that Christ would not come in my lifetime, or my children’s, or my children’s children’s, on and on as far as I could imagine my intercessory intervention running. I wasn’t sure it was going to work.

Once John Lennon was shot, in 1980, it became clear that heaven was not round the corner at all: it had been and gone. The world was back to its sordid business-as-usual. The boyfriends I went out with (some of them) yelled along to Crass’s anti-nuclear blast: ‘They’ve got a bomb’. Personally, I was bored and alienated by punk, so loud, local and masculine. (Hersham was four stops away, its boys a nuisance at parties.) I took refuge in the last gasps of romantic, space-age eschatology, buying my stairways to heaven with (Tim) Blake’s New Jerusalem, King Crimson’s Islands with its astonishing cover of stars, Led Zeppelin’s ‘Battle of Evermore’ or even the more terrestrial wistfulness of ‘Going to California’. I tried not to notice the ways they were absurd or downright repulsive, or the boredom of long improvisations, or how necessary it was to be a man to enter prog rock paradise. I tried to play the piano like Keith Emerson, but only managed to be nicknamed after the piano-playing dog on The Muppet Show. I didn’t want to think heaven could never arrive, though I had my fair share of four-minute-warning dreams. I asked my mother, in 1979, whether she was afraid. ‘Not after Cuba’, she said.

So what’s a heaven for? It is the place of desire; and we reach towards it through the passions of experience.

Our delight in the present and tangible is not confined inside a point called now. It spreads out from it, backwards and forwards through time. It connects the immediate (now) to the unattainable (then). It does this in the associations of memory, which is the form for longing after what once was. And it does this also in the way that we look, in a strangely similar longing, towards what has not yet come to be, the sight just at the edge of our vision. The experience of becoming, of being someone who has an unfolding meaning in the world, is absolutely dependent upon experience we can’t possess, experience lent to us through imagination and in memory. Somewhere over the rainbow waits the living fulfilment of all our longing. My Christian faith trusts desire to contain all meaning; in desire my eyeline lifts up beyond what is available, pressing forward towards something I am too small to possess. Whilst we are creatures who value yearning, who know that our reach exceeds our grasp, we are able also to be creatures looking beyond the visible towards what we cannot yet see or touch, towards the mystery of things. Desire keeps the future open and the past breathing; it invests the present with potential, a charge of power it cannot retain by itself.

The immediate is important. But alone it is vulnerable to despair. Desire invests the immediate and the tangible with potential, so that every experience becomes bigger than its own moment. Desire is our bridge out of the rule of time; and even if the bridge is barred presently by the toll-gates of marketing campaigns it is still possible to find ways to look into a priceless distance. ‘Buy wine and milk without money and without price’, invites God through the poetry of the third writer to be called Isaiah. ‘Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labour for that which does not satisfy?” Without hope - without its freight of desire - everything we already possess loses weight and value. When we behave as if the New Jerusalem is already here, we are bound for disappointment.

The heart-changing stories of humanity’s desire are not about careless delight or tearless potency. Ours is not a Captain Marvel story. We do not have to imagine what it is like to possess bodies impervious to violence or age, or minds indifferent to the passing of time. Our narratives of seeking and finding end not in strangeness but in recognition. For Christians like me, God manifests in the known human face, in the weakness of a baby, the rare vulnerability of an unarmed man, the defencelessness of offered love, the keeping company with a dying body, the unlooked-for meeting seen through passionate tears. For us, God inhabits the everyday truths of weakness, finitude and loss. For us, God’s presence is strong in the places where the human imagination quails or retreats - with the degraded, the despairing, the imprisoned, the raped, the assimilated or devoured, those of damaged or vanished memory, the dying, those in pain, the tortured and humiliated, those in social exile. All the places which bring human sympathy to a standstill, which darken human comprehension, unreeling the heart towards meaninglessness - those are the places God inhabits with special care. There are no locked doors in the divine imagination. This is a very great mercy of its own, because the burdens of human suffering and human cruelty are sometimes too heavy to bear. Live in the place of death for long enough and death can be what you will long for. But to us another heart helps bear that burden and another eye looks when we cannot, opening a door out of the dark confines of earth and dust. To us, paradise is a place of mercy and restoration, where tears are wiped away rather than where they were never shed.

So, then, what’s wrong with a world ‘run by desire’? If it is the ultimate good thing, the bridge to eternity, the raw material of meaning, the life-motor? What’s not to like? But turn the thought around. This isn’t about a world unexpectedly illuminated by wild desire, but one with its wildness trapped into serving short-term, deliberately short-lived pleasures. And our world, the world of the modern West, though it cannot trap all the wild desire there is, has managed to enslave desire on a truly industrial, global scale.

I do not know exactly what John Legend means as he sings to his baby. But the potential of a new baby is one of the very few places where our vision is long; where we clearly understand desire to be about a relationship between the immediate present and a possibly wonderful future. Babies require patience. They don’t always oblige with smiles and cute moments. You can’t rely on what you’ll get looking after a baby – though it will be unexpectedly wonderful at odd moments. Caring for babies means a grinding and monotonous set of vital, continual mini-tasks, is as different as it possibly can be from the harnessing of desire for swift gratification.

There is little space for the needs of babies - or wildlife, or insects, or trees or oceans or glaciers - in a world run by desire. Desire as a motor for immediate reward drives towards possession rather than care, possessions rather than relationships. It is harnessed in order to direct and distract us only towards objects we can completely encompass. It encourages us to think about non-human stuff - whether we mean by that the 27,000 miles of submerged mountain ranges at the bottom of the sea or our distance from the indifferent stars - as items which at least metaphorically can be ‘handled’, owned in the hand. What does it say about the human relationship with the wilds of space that a businessman might send up a Tesla into the orbit of Mars? (And even that has its own joie de vivre – unlike the many car adverts which fetishise the solitary landscapes the car economy continues to endanger and across which, on our crowded roads, no car driver may travel alone.) Yet to have and to hold means nothing without the stuff which we can’t just have, can’t quite grasp; the associations of the lost past; the potential of what might come; the wildness of what can’t be understood. The wickedness of many car adverts is that (like certain kinds of global tourism) they pretend we can buy wildness.

In a world run, rather than filled, by desire, our grasp is so continual and so driven that we forget that we have any reach at all. We are under compulsion - a word meaning enslavement - flogging the moment to beat a residual grain of longing or memory out of its blankness, or killing the time watching a procession of the wonderfully alien artfully domesticated into small-screen cliche. ‘It was no great mistake’, remarks the seventeenth century mystic Thomas Traherne, ‘to say, that to have blessings and not to prize them is to be in Hell. For it maketh them ineffectual, as if they were absent. Yea, in some respects it is worse than to be in Hell. It is more vicious, and more irrational’. Living becomes a crowded list of short-term goals and greeds. When we forget our reach we also forget our own small size; we forget that we shall die; we forget that we do not make ourselves, or live to ourselves, or die to ourselves. We forget that there is anything bigger than the self. We spend our entire lives in the act of distracted forgetting to avert our own mortality. It is not being very good for us.

#holinessanddesire

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olivialourdefanfic · 8 years ago

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Supernatural FanFic, Installment 1: The Basics

Preface: I created a strong female character to write into the Supernatural storyline because there wasn't one at all in the show that I liked. I have a 415+ page word document of the fan fic I've written, but this is a character sketch that's necessary before reading the fic, or as you read the fic to avoid spoilers in the sketch.

Sophia Bridget Blackwood

Early History

Sophia’s family is millenias old, descended from survivors of the Salem witch trials on her father’s side, as well as a European line of powerful and formidable witches going back to medieval times, possibly even earlier(it is later revealed that her mother’s line of witches, the Abellona, were created by Amara to do her bidding, and existed even before God and angels). Sophia herself is directly descended from European witches, and her line are strong hunters and healers. Sophia’s father died when she was nine, mortally wounded by a demon after being tortured and possessed. Sophia’s own mother killed her father out of mercy and burned his body. However, Sophia’s mother, Monica, told her that her father was killed by demons to ease her own guilt about killing him, though it was completely out of mercy.

Years later, when Sophia was 24, she chose to become a hunter and an immortal, as well as her mother’s successor. Sophia became immortal in 1980. Becoming immortal was a painful process, but worth it. Once her transformation was complete, she changed physically as well as mentally. The Winchesters never knew her as a mortal, and have always viewed her as a larger than life superhero-type figure.

Immortality Ritual

The process of becoming an immortal witch is preceded by meeting certain criteria, all of which Sophia met throughout her life. She was always exceptionally strong, even more so than her mother, who was considered the most powerful of their line, and was also the matriarchal figure, the undisputed leader of their people. Her mother, Monica, is the chosen leader, and all of the witches of their line from all over the world look to her for leadership, approval, and guidance. Sophia, by the age of sixteen, had already surpassed her mother in natural talent, strength and intelligence. She retained her maiden name and was of legal age. She had killed things that carried evil as a mortal, which was considered a deciding factor in becoming immortal- it showed that she was capable of the duty of immortality among witches, which is to fight evil. She had always had natural talent as a witch, and could work magic towards her own family, who are usually immune to family members’ magic.

Once all the requirements are met, the members of the family who are looked to as the leader take the intended and seclude them. There is a ritual, and then the intended endures physical death. It is excruciatingly painful, and usually lasts anywhere from 12 hours to 48 hours for the body to completely die. This can be stopped and reversed at any time during the process of mortal death, but once the last mortal breath is taken, the ritual is considered complete, and there are funeral services for the intended. The funeral is more of a celebration without the intended being conscious of their achieving immortality. The funeral ends when the intended awakens as an immortal, and they are required to make their first kill within a month of the awakening. Failure to do so results in mortality restored, and all immortal gifts revoked. Sophia made her first kill within five days(a record among immortal witch hunters), after tracking a vampire coven to the mountains. She killed all six, and took a trophy: the necklace of the leader, a silver ankh, which she later enchants and gives to Dean to protect him and Sam.

When a witch becomes immortal, their heart still beats; however, the blood in their veins does not equal to a fully functioning human body. Sophia cannot conceive a child as an immortal(however, she can carry a fetus, as evidenced in the alternate season 12), nor can she grow or shrink. She will remain as she was at age 24, and will never age. She can change her hair color with hair dye, or with her magic, and she can cut her hair, as it still grows. She can update her appearance to blend in with society to avoid detection, including tattoos that she can add or remove at her will, and piercings as well. She does not menstruate, but most of her organs operate as they did when she was alive. She eats food, drinks beverages(and can get drunk- substances have the same effect on her as they do humans), and feels real human emotions, sometimes stronger than humans do- emotion unattended can escalate into physical pain, or wear away at the humanity that burns inside of her. She is impervious to disease and cannot be killed, save for one way: as a human. Additionally, witches are not impervious to diseases contracted in Purgatory, which Sophia is believed to have been infected with in season 9. However, Castiel later reveals that she was not sick, but rather, her humanity was burning away inside of her, destroying her soul, and it presented as sickness.

To kill an immortal witch, a ritual must be done to restore them to their mortal state. Then, and only then, can a witch be killed. The ritual is impossible to find, for each one is personalized to the witch and never written down, save for the witch’s own Book of Shadows(a book, often enchanted for protection, that houses all the of the witch’s experiences and spells). Decapitation does not work, nor does poison or bullets. Sophia will simply rematerialize with no scars or wounds within 2 minutes.

As an immortal, she has gained even more heightened senses, more superhuman strength, and preternatural abilities like precognition and telekinesis. She had some of these abilities when she was mortal, but they became more powerful when she awoke as an immortal. She began having prophetic dreams, and became able to control people around her, as well as read their thoughts. Her abilities as a healer increased exponentially (though she is not very practiced in healing), and she became a master at fighting, both physically and mentally- she does most fighting without using her hands. When she fights Azazel, she deals most of her blows without even lifting a finger. She becomes able to physically see energy around herself and other people. She can see and speak to the dead, and can feel Dean in “In My Time of Dying”, as he is in the space between life and death. She can also see reapers, spirits, demons and angels(in their true forms) plain as day, and she insists that Castiel’s true form is incredibly beautiful. (Side fact: As a mortal, she knew that Castiel was not a human boy from the moment she met him, but could not see his true angelic face until she became immortal, and upon seeing his true form, admits he is more beautiful than she could have even imagined.) Her powers continue to expand and grow with her immortality, as evidenced when she discovers she is now able to teleport with a thought in season 9.

When Sophia is hunting or otherwise engaged in things that can result in an adrenaline rush, her eyes flash a vibrant purple color. It is what gives her away as an immortal, and she is often mistaken for a demon. However, the purple color is significant of the witch’s constant fight between good and evil, and the confusion between the two. Sophia often does evil things for the good, and has never been truly evil, though many are afraid of her.

It is often a humorous aspect of Dean and Sophia’s relationship that she is more physically adept and coordinated than he is. On an attempted date, Sophia and Dean try to go kayaking. Dean seems to lack the coordination to handle the paddling, whereas Sophia lifts her kayak, carries it into the water, climbs in, and paddles out onto the water without so much as breathing hard, whereas Dean can barely pick up the kayak on his own. Sophia and Sam often laugh at Dean’s blunders, providing some humor to their dynamic.

Appearance

Sophia has always been a beauty, especially in immortality. It seems that once she died, her greenish blue eyes became more luminous, her dark brown hair became shinier and more luxurious, and her form became more voluptuous and muscular. She is around 5’5” with long, strong legs and strong arms. She is wiry more than anything else, and her frame is slender, yet sturdy and strong. Her long dark hair flows around her shoulders in waves that are sometimes curls(and sometimes pin straight), and her olive skin looks like dark porcelain. Her eyes are luminous and vivid, jumping out from behind thick, supple eyelashes. When Sophia became immortal, her eyes began to glow a vibrant purple when engaged in a fight or otherwise passionate endeavor. When Castiel is near her, her eyes light up in purple almost instantly. However, her eye color never changed when Dean was close in proximity. Her eyes turned red when she went insane, and it was revealed that her dying humanity turned her eyes blood red. She also bears a brand on her arm from season 1 until season 11- a very clear, bold “C”, for Castiel. Castiel bears the brand of “SB” until she severs their blood bond before defeating Amara.

She is often described as a beauty by everyone around her, especially Dean, who is enamored with her the moment he lays eyes on her. Even before they wind up together and dislike each other initially(ironically, not unlike Mary and John Winchester), he still tells her she is beautiful, joking that her beauty should legally be a crime. Sophia refuses to fall for Dean’s cheap lines, but secretly giggles to herself about them. She is known for wearing black, often with black leather boots and a black leather jacket, with blue jeans, often a dark blue. Occasionally, she will switch out a black shirt for a grey one, or even red or purple- purple is known to be her favorite color. When she and Dean become serious, he gives her the ring he wears on his finger, and she gives him the ankh she took from her first kill as an immortal.

When Sophia and Castiel become serious, she begins to change her wardrobe to plaid button downs, as well as a wider range of pants, particularly yoga pants- much to Sam, Dean, and Castiel’s delight. More than one scene is focused around not staring at Sophia’s ass as she walks by the three of them in yoga pants. She seems to take on a more feminine aura, though her strength and ferocity as a fighter are not at all diminished. When Castiel becomes incapacitated, she gives up hunting in a heartbeat to protect him and to care for him. When the tables are turned, Castiel is not as nurturing or comforting, but he does the same for her as best he can.

Personality

Sophia is known for her intensity, her penchant for violence, and, at times, her strange innocence. She believes that relationships should not be rushed, and so she is slow to move with Dean, and her initial relationship with Castiel began very slowly as well. She is also known for her ability to improvise and change her mind at a moment’s notice. She tends to shoot first and ask questions later, though it is effective. She is known as “Dean’s girl”, and later, with the re-development of her relationship with Castiel, “Angelbait” (Castiel will always come at the first sign of trouble with Sophia, and she can be used to call him), but also as “the witch”, and she is very powerful and respectful of her legacy as a witch. After all, it is her magic that keeps the Winchesters alive. In conversation with others, Dean often refers to Sophia as his “wild girl”, and she is one- she is known for being a loose cannon at times, flying off the handle easily.

As a hunter, Sophia is fearsome and terrifying. She is brutal with anyone who intends to harm the Winchester boys, going so far as to step on Gordon’s neck, the hunter who was hunting Sam to kill him, intending to kill him. He had kidnapped Dean and beaten him, using him to lure Sam to him to murder him. If not for Sam’s intervention (ironically, since Gordon thought Sam was a killer), Sophia would have killed the hunter. Her rage and violence is legendary, and her eyes glow purple when she senses a kill coming. Sam is initially afraid of her, but grows to understand her and trust her, even though she is known to lose control during the kill, and sometimes can overdo her efforts in killing something.

Sophia often goes off by herself on hunts, preferring to hunt alone and make her kills completely solo. She is not good at team efforts, and she often clashes with Sam and Dean’s overpowering humanity. She does not believe in killing those who do not harm others, humans or demons, but she is willing to kill a human who causes harm to an innocent being. She is skilled with smaller semiautomatic guns, long range sniper rifles, knives, and swords. She has never lost a fight, and never backs down.

Sophia mostly serves as a medium between Dean’s personality and Sam’s, often being the voice of reason in place of John after his death. When she is present, she keeps a balance between them, and often calms Dean down before he and Sam are at each other’s throats. Though their relationship cools off because of her hunting alone most of the time, when she is present, it is obvious to any idiot that Dean belongs to her, and she belongs to Dean. She still wears his ring, and he still wears her ankh. In the first season, she maintains a role as somewhat of an anchor for the brothers emotionally, becoming close friends with Sam and flirting with Dean, though they clash frequently.

After John’s death, Sophia and Dean’s relationship becomes very deep, very intense, and very serious. He begins to share her bed with her, and to spend time together while he recuperates and fixes up his car. Sophia is withdrawn at the time, dealing with her emotions and guilt over John’s death, and her own role in restoring Dean to health. For most of the second season, Sophia is wracked with guilt over John Winchester’s death. She knew that he had made his own decision, but still felt responsible for his death, and for Dean’s suffering as the older brother. She initially plans to keep her role in everything to herself, but once she discovers Dean’s nearly crippling guilt over his father’s death, she comes clean. While Dean is forgiving, Sam chooses to ignore the fact that she actually saved his life, and saved him a lifetime of guilt, and is enraged, refusing to speak to her for months, despite urging to move past it from Dean. After she confides her secret in Sam and Dean, they separate from her, and she goes off to hunt in Europe for a while, spending time with her family and training harder. She and Dean stay in contact through phone calls and email, and their relationship, though long distance, is still strong. He still insists that he loves her and is waiting for her(though it’s shown that flirting with other people is a part of their lives).

When Dean lives in the Djinn’s alternate fantasy, Sophia is still a part of it- but as a stranger he bumps into on the street. When he sees her, he is overjoyed, and tries to hug her. She threatens to cut his nuts off if he speaks to her again when he attempts to hug her. She walks away, and Dean is devastated that she is not part of his alternate reality. Ultimately, it is the thought of not having Sophia and Sam with him that brings him out of the fantasy, because, as he admits to her privately, he doesn’t want to live in a world without her and Sam. Sophia tells him she doesn’t want to live in a world without Dean, either, and promises him that she will drag him out of whatever hole he lands in, even if it kills her.

Though Sophia has her doubts, she remains committed to Dean, and even says she loves him, though she is not entirely sure until the third season, when she has an epiphany that she cannot imagine living her life without him. Her friendship with Sam is strained for a time after she reveals John Winchester’s deal with Azazel, but after some time away from her, Sam not only comes to forgive her and miss her, but also comes to trust her almost more than his own brother at times, asking her to hunt with him and for help learning more about himself and his newfound abilities. It is during this time that they establish a romantic and sexual tension, spun mostly out of Sophia’s breakup with Dean, and Sam trying to understand what it is he is becoming, which Sophia understands better than Dean. Sophia is the only person Sam feels comfortable showing his powers to, as it scares Dean and no one else can know about them. Sophia knew about the depth of his powers for months, as well as knowing about their source, and knew (though was never explicitly told) about Ruby.

When Dean breaks up with her in the beginning of the third season, she is heartbroken, but continues to stay close to the Winchesters. She begins spending more time with Sam, and Dean even suspects at certain times that they may be sleeping together. It is revealed in the fourth season that Sam is actually sleeping with Ruby, and Sophia had no idea Ruby even existed romantically in Sam’s life. Her and Sam’s friendship, though incredibly close, did not consist of discussing Sam’s romantic life. Sophia herself had been struggling with their flirtationship, fighting against feelings for Sam that she didn’t want to have. Though Sam is sleeping with Ruby, he is only truly intimate with Sophia, as she understands more about him than anyone else. He lets her see his fear, his sadness, everything he would never dare to show anyone else- not even Dean. His feelings for her also grow, and border very dangerously on actual romantic love. He does actually believe that he is in love with her, and though he is horrified at himself, their friendship becomes stronger. Over time, as he increases his intake of demon blood, his thoughts of Sophia become increasingly sexual, sometimes sadistic and violent- though when he is with her, he is gentle and kind.

In one episode, Sam has a dream about him and Sophia passionately kissing, and then having sex in a swimming pool while Dean watches, heartbroken. Crueler from the demon blood he has been drinking, he manipulates Sophia into making the dream a reality, and it is the first time since Jessica died that he has had sex with someone he is emotionally attached to. For Sam, this is a huge moment, because he had personally felt that he could never truly move on from Jess, and yet he has lusted after Sophia for months, and been spending time with her to do more than just research his destiny- he is using the time together to convince her to want him instead of Dean.

Just as in the dream, Dean discovers them, watching while heartbroken. Sophia’s magic flickers around them as they have sex, and Dean realizes that she is not in love with Sam, as he had been afraid of for months after Sophia and Sam began spending a lot of time together alone. He realizes that her magic shows how she really feels about the person she is with, and he knows that for her, by looking at her magic, the sex is punishment. For what, he doesn’t know. When he confronts her, crying, she cannot answer the question. Sam, when confronted, is not repentant, and even comments that Sophia doesn’t wear Dean’s ring anymore, referring to her as “fair game”. Dean is obviously devastated and hurt, and Sophia throws him out after they all fight. Sam ping pongs back and forth between the crueler version of himself and his normal self, having genuine moments where he is trying to comfort her, and others where he calls her worthless and beats her.

Sophia and Sam embark on a mutually sadistic physical relationship, always beginning with a vicious verbal fight, and ending with angry, rough sex that leaves bruises and cuts on the both of them. Sophia is wallowing in a world of misery and pain, wracked again with guilt at hurting Dean, taking her pain out on Sam physically and sexually, though it does not last long, as Sophia realizes that nothing can replace Dean. The brothers and Sophia have a falling out that involves Sophia severely beating both of them, and Sophia disappears after declaring her undying love for Dean, who does still love her, but is hurt by her and Sam. After numerous attempts to contact her and to repair the relationship between the three of them, Sam finally becomes desperate and contacts her family in Europe. He knows that she is an integral part to their success, and knows that with a flick of her finger, she can lift the protection over both of them. What neither Dean nor Sam knows, is that when the spell was cast, Sophia bound their energies together, so she cannot lift protection on one of them without condemning both of them. Sophia would never lift the protection spell on Dean, and so would never lift the one on Sam, either. Her family is not helpful, because Sophia has truly disappeared- no one knows where she is.

Time passes, and while Sam is still searching for Sophia, it’s becoming more obvious that she doesn’t want to be found, and certainly not by Sam. Dean starts going off by himself, seemingly to take space from Sam, but it is soon discovered that he is actually sneaking off to see Sophia, who has secretly returned from being missing. She explains to Dean that she needed time alone to hunt and sort her heart out. He has been sneaking off to see her for weeks, and they have resumed their physical relationship. She tells him she is still deeply in love with him, and that he is the only thing that has made sense to her. She tells him she wants to start over- to try and make things right, and he tells her he doesn’t know if he can trust her alone with Sam, even though the effects of the demon blood have worn off. She tells him she will do anything she has to in order to fix things- and she means it. Seconds later, Sam, having followed Dean, discovers them in bed together. His shock is complete, and he is angry at both of them for not telling him that Sophia had returned, and at Sophia for not returning any of his messages. Throwing clothes on, she finally confronts Sam about their relationship in front of Dean- asking him point blank if it all happened because he was influenced by drinking demon blood. When he admits to it, she proceeds to beat him to a bloody pulp, only stopped by Dean mere seconds before she can kill Sam. She breaks down crying, and Dean pulls the three of them into a group hug.

The three of them then return home, with Sam and Sophia having a very intense, heartfelt heart-to-heart on the way home. Sophia fights admitting her feelings for Sam, but does admit to knowing the whole time that he was drinking demon blood, and that she did enjoy the attention. She refuses to admit her feelings, as it finally makes them real, and Sam seems content with her admissions. He tells her that Dean was a mess without her, and tells her that perhaps Dean just needed to miss her to remind himself of what he had with her.

Before Sam allows Lucifer to use his body to walk the earth, he and Sophia finally have consensual, earth shattering, metal melting passionate sex. Her magic creates a thunderstorm, giving way to a gorgeous sunrise. They admit they love each other, assuming that it is goodbye. Sophia mourns him after he jumps in, and is inconsolable, even by Cass.

After Sam jumps into the pit as Lucifer, along with Michael, Dean officially ends things with Sophia for good. He tells her that he wants to experience a normal life, including having kids, which she cannot do. He tells her that with her, the hunt will never be over, and he never wants to deal with demons or the supernatural again. Without waiting for her response, he walks away from her, getting into the Impala and driving away. She doesn’t follow, heartbroken. He heads to Lisa Braeden’s home and moves in with her and her son, ready to settle down and have a normal life.

Sophia closes up the home she owned in Nashville, sells the restaurant, and buys a more secluded one in Winchester, Massachusetts. She gets a puppy, opens a new restaurant, and her life seems to improve. She hunts alone again, and she seems happier. She and Castiel finally consummate their relationship; a passionate and powerful moment showing that Castiel is now feeling and expressing emotions, albeit awkwardly at first. He moves into her new home with her, and they begin the search for ways to spend eternity together, as well as hunting. However, Castiel does leave on occasion. He is in Heaven, attempting to restore order, but as we all know, there is no order, and Castiel is teaming up with Crowley behind Sophia’s back.

A year passes, and she has begun a real relationship with Castiel- which Sam, who has returned, disagrees with. Sophia and Castiel are also researching how to turn Cass into an immortal witch, despite him having no witches’ blood whatsoever, and spend a lot of their spare time searching. Sam and Sophia have begun hunting with the Campbells(though Sophia is hesitant, and constantly questioning why Sam Campbell has come back from the dead- she has no idea what Crowley and Castiel have done) without Dean, and when they all reunite with Dean, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Dean is hurt by Sophia being in a relationship with Castiel, and tells her so. She counters by telling him that he left hunting and her behind, and he should be enjoying his new, “normal” life, just like he wanted.

Protection Spell

Sophia’s magic is very powerful, however, it is not always concise. When she casts her protection spell on the Winchesters, it attaches her aura to theirs. She feels everything the two of them feel, including if they are in danger. She can sense their vitals, their fear, and their pain. When Dean is sent to Hell, she feels every moment of his torture. Dean considers it comforting that even if he is sent to Hell, they are still together.

The spell is lifted when Dean is dragged into Hell, as that was a deal that could not be broken, and Sophia’s magic could not have prevailed upon something so unnatural. She does not understand this until her mother explains it to her, that magic, their magic, is rooted in the earth and in nature, whereas the deal with the Crossroads demon was unnatural and based in Hell, and then explains that Dean broke the spell himself just by making the deal. However, Sophia is still connected to their energies, and that also continues into later in the series. She often comments about changes in the boys’ pulse rates and body temperatures, as well as occasionally noticing something wrong with them and healing it in their sleep to keep them up and running at optimal speed.

Sophia and John Winchester

Sophia is the successful owner of a restaurant in Nashville, TN, and meets John Winchester when he comes in to eat. He asks for her mother, and she immediately suspects he may know she is a witch, so she watches him closely. When he asks her point blank about demons, she knows he is different- he isn’t looking for a love potion or a wealth spell. They begin to discuss his sons, especially his pride and joy, Sam. After getting to know Sophia, he had hoped that she and Sam would fall in love, and it would help bring Sam closer to his family again. However, Sophia wound up being cosmically attracted to Dean, and their energies attached themselves to each other upon meeting. While they initially did not really like each other and it took time for them to come together, they could not deny that they felt drawn to each other from the very beginning.

When John discovered that she had wound up with Dean and not Sam, he was surprised, but glad regardless, for he had wanted her to wind up with one of his boys. He had known she would when she worked the protection spell that was ultimately responsible for keeping Sam and Dean alive by connecting all of their energies to each other and placing a protective blanket over them all. Sophia came to view John as a father figure over time, as he looked after her in the way a father would, and often treated her like a daughter. He often remarked to her that he and the boys’ mother were planning to try for one more child, hoping for a daughter.

When John asks her to help him save Dean, she initially fights against him violently, even slapping him across the face and cursing him for his efforts. When he threatens to bring Sam into it, she relents, only to keep Sam safe. Without knowing he would bargain his life for Dean’s in addition to the Colt, she takes John’s death hard. She hides this from Sam and Dean until everyone’s bottled up emotions come out. She mentions that there is a way to bring back the dead, but their bones are needed, and John’s have been burned by the three of them.

It’s revealed by Sophia in the 12th season that John Winchester actually did more harm to her than good, and her inability to let go of Sam and Dean is bred from a strange type of Stockholm Syndrome. Because of the boys’ lingering loyalty and attachment to their father, she stayed silent, but was starting to come to realize what had actually happened to her.

Before the series began, John went searching for the famed immortal hunter named Monica Blackwood, and instead, found her even more powerful, but intense and far less disciplined daughter, Sophia. Sophia suspected instantly that John was not what he seemed, and quickly realized that he was a hunter, and not some lovesick sap in search of love spell.

John stayed with Sophia for a large chunk of the year that he was separated from Dean. Without Dean or Sam’s knowledge, he coerced Sophia to work a spell that kept a blanket of protection over both, as well as a thin veil of protection over John. In this time, John also began to have feelings for Sophia, possibly a side effect of the magical pull she has over humans and monsters alike; however, John’s feelings were 100% real. Sophia, while flattered, did not return John’s feelings, and instead thought of him as a surrogate father(she also came to view Bobby in a similar fashion, though the feelings were a bit different). When John made an advance at her, she rebuffed him gently, but it generated some hard feelings between them.

After this, John tied Sophia up and stole her Book of Shadows, which had the ritual to turn her into a human on its first pages. He began the ritual until she vowed to create and to cast the spell of protection over his sons, as well as vow to act as a guardian for them in his absence, following them all over the country while they worked his cases. Once she made this coerced vow, he burned her original Book of Shadows with the ritual to restore her to a human in it. She stared at him in near horror, and he smiled at her, telling her that now, she couldn’t die, so she could protect his sons forever. He left her tied up for 3 days, during which time, he convinced her, somehow, that she should be grateful to him for destroying her Book of Shadows, because now she couldn’t die, and could truly live forever without fear of becoming a weak human, or even of death.

Eventually, Sophia came around to John’s brainwash, and allowed it to make her a better, more fearless hunter. She awoke one night to discover John had untied her, and was now gone. She set out to find his sons instantly, and began to tail them across the country.

Sophia and Dean Winchester

When Sophia and Dean first lay eyes on each other, they are both completely infatuated with each other. Sophia felt the pit of her stomach drop out, and not long after, she fell completely in love with Dean. However, they did not seem to like each other very much at first, as Dean insisted he could take care of his brother as he had always done, and felt that having Sophia accompany them and protect them was unnecessary.

Soon after, however, they began to push their differences aside and grew closer. Dean bought her a basil plant to add to her herb garden. Eventually, they sleep together, but Sophia leaves the following morning before Dean wakes up. When she comes to save them in Salvation, she reveals she had done it to lead Azazel away from them to keep them safe and buy them time to find their father.

After John’s death, Sophia and Dean become very seriously and deeply involved. However, Dean is not experienced in deep romantic relationships, and at times is a horrible boyfriend, either siding against Sophia in situations where she is right, being unfaithful to her, or lying to her. When he does break up with her after selling his soul to save Sam, thinking it is the most unselfish thing he can do for her at that point, her heart is effectively broken, and it nearly drives her into Sam’s arms, but her guilt keeps him at arm’s length.

As the Hellhounds are about to take him, Dean and Sophia exchange a look that tells a thousand stories, and it’s clear that the past does not matter in that moment. Dean dies reaching for Sophia and Sam. After his death, Sophia is inconsolable, the depth of her despair immeasurable. She becomes mute and stops leaving her house, sometimes not even leaving her room for days. Sam continues to stay with her, and tries to bring her back to the present. He is trying to move forward and bring Dean back, but she is stuck with the image of Dean’s death in her head. She cannot and is not ready to move forward. She realizes that Sam will not leave her, and she will not be able to grieve properly with him around. She leaves Sam and disappears to wallow in the misery of losing Dean. She returns briefly to help Sam kill a demon, but leaves after dislocating Sam’s shoulder and nearly breaking his jaw in a fight between the two of them.

For the first four seasons/years, Sophia remains devoted to Dean, and mourns his loss deeply. When he is brought back, Sophia is beside herself, but remains skeptical of the story he tells about the angel Castiel, as she knows Castiel to be dead, but does not elaborate on how she knows this. When it’s proven that Castiel is alive, she admits that she didn’t want to admit to herself that he could have lived, and that she had spent all this time not looking for him. Dean begins to feel slightly threatened by her and Castiel’s past, especially as it seems she begins to respond more to Castiel being around her than Dean. When Castiel admits to him that he loves Sophia, Dean feels his relationship with Sophia dying, and it scares him.

After Sam jumps into the Cage with Lucifer and Michael, Dean exhibits a deep desire to be normal. While Sophia can never be normal, he knows he has the opportunity, as a human, to lead a normal life one day. He also realizes that Sophia and Castiel are rekindling their relationship, and he sees it as a way for everyone to be happy, so he leaves Sophia, seemingly for good. And while Sophia is devastated, she eventually does realize that she and Castiel finally have their second chance, and she takes it.

Over the years, Dean and Sophia continue to gravitate back to each other, but never officially get back together, even after Dean admits his feelings. Sophia shuts him down repeatedly, partially not willing to let go of how much Dean has hurt her, but also believing Dean to be better off not with her romantically. It isn’t until the Darkness is released that Sophia begins to even admit that she is jealous of the hold Amara has over Dean, and constantly attempts to exert a hold over him, while continuing to give him free will.

Castiel has even exhibited jealousy towards Dean at times, insinuating that Sophia and Dean have fate and destiny on their side, whereas he is merely a kink in the chain. Sophia discovers that this is actually untrue from Chuck, who specifically engineered Castiel for Sophia, and Castiel has surpassed even Chuck’s expectations of his love and devotion to Sophia.

When Dean convinces Chuck and Amara to work out their differences and literally averts the destruction of the world, he witnesses Chuck and Amara transfer the bulk of their power to Sophia, and how it affects her. In that moment, Dean and Sophia become co-conspirators, and it reconnects them in a way they didn’t expect. Their relationship begins to deepen again, but neither is willing to make the move. Finally, on the night Mary leaves the boys to cope on her own, Sophia comes to Dean to comfort him, and neither can hold back. They begin a relationship in secret, though they don’t seem to care who finds out.

Sophia and Sully

When Sully visits the Winchesters at the bunker, it’s revealed that Sully was Sophia’s imaginary friend before he was Sam’s, and that Sam was his last child, believing he’d failed both Sam and Sophia. He moved to management to avoid contact with children after the two of them. It was no coincidence that Sophia and Sam are connected by sharing an imaginary friend, as destiny and fate has already connected them cosmically. Throughout the series, other hints are dropped to show this fact, but it’s gone ignored multiple times.

When Sophia sees Sully, her demeanor changes completely. She becomes sweet, innocent, soft, and almost childlike. Her eyes light up with a joy previously unseen, and her body’s tension seems to dissipate. Within seconds, it’s clear that Sully is someone she loves deeply and trusts implicitly, and the brothers are almost jealous, as she does not seem to trust them in the same fashion, not even Dean. She seems to be unaware of the change, though Dean and Sam are baffled. She trust Sully implicitly, whereas Dean is aloof and suspicious of him. Even Sam is reluctant, but Sophia openly welcomes him, embracing him as an old friend. It’s discovered that Sophia has never forgotten anyone who has ever shown her kindness, because the instances are so few and far between. Sully was also a part of her life until she was sixteen, and a HUGE part of it, so it’s natural that she embraces and trusts him instantly. She even offers to accompany Sully alone if Sam and Dean are unwilling.

Sully is also the first person to really talk to Sophia about what she is dealing with: the effects of the Mark being removed, the power she isn’t yet able to control, her destiny, her love for Sam and Dean, Castiel’s role in her life. It is the first time Sophia is completely honest and open with anyone, and the depth of her love and trust for Sully is clear, proving she is capable of having that kind of a relationship with someone, when previously, it was unclear if she was able. Yes, Sophia is damaged, but she is capable of healthy relationships, as this friendship proves.

Sophia and Castiel

Years earlier, Castiel was charged with the task of bringing Sophia into the legions of angels so that they could exploit her skills of killing demons and angels alike. Sophia, who was a human 15 year old at the time, was very much still fighting her destiny with partying, drinking, drugs, fights, and other reckless behavior designed to rebel against her mother, who still looked no older than 25. Castiel, in a different vessel, met her at a party, pretending to be dropping ecstasy and drinking. He managed to enchant her enough to convince her to see him again, and the two grew to be very close. He confided in her that he was actually an angel and had been sent to her to show her that she had another option besides her destiny: to become one of Heaven’s angels.

In this time, Castiel fell completely in love with Sophia, and rebelled against the orders of Heaven because of his love for her. He told her the truth about Heaven’s intentions, but also told her that the only way they could stay together would be for her to become an angel. In truth, there was no reason why she needed to become an angel besides serving Heaven’s purpose; Castiel was selfish in his love for her and told her this because it would keep her with him always.

After nearly 18 months spent wooing Sophia and courting her, Castiel had nearly convinced Sophia that she was prepared to accept Castiel’s offer when her mother caught wind of who Sophia had been spending time with. (It should be noted here that Monica gave Sophia a VERY long leash, especially with the things she knew her daughter would be shouldering in immortality. Sophia had always been independent, and Monica knew that controlling her would not end well. She allowed her daughter to mingle with humans and to party; however, she could not condone nor allow her only child consorting with angels or demons. Though all three beings are somewhat related to each other, Monica had never trusted angels, and hated demons on principle.) Monica ambushed them as Sophia was about to lose her virginity to Castiel (and vice versa), and nearly murdered Castiel. Castiel left his vessel’s body before Monica could kill him, and his host did not survive. Monica and Sophia thought that she had succeeded in killing him, and Sophia was devastated. He was sent back to Heaven, having failed in his mission, and having rebelled against his orders, was punished. Monica bound Sophia’s powers for a week, pulled her out of school, and took her on a hunting trip to Canada, where she taught her what exactly her purpose as a hunter would be, and Sophia slowly came around to accept her destiny, to even embrace it on her own terms.

When Castiel returns in a new host (Jimmy Novak), she recognizes him instantly. While she is excited to see him again(and keeps this to herself), she is distrustful of him and still harbors resentment toward him for disappearing on her the way he did, allowing her to think he was dead. She rejects his presence more than once, sometimes violently. The more time he spends with her and the Winchesters, however, the more her old feelings resurface, and they find themselves in the same predicament, though Sophia is older and more mature, and able to handle the emotional intensity she is feeling. He is not acting on orders to bring her into the legions of angels anymore (although the invitation to become an angel is still extended to her), but Heaven is suspicious of his time spent in the company of the three of them. Zachariah is sent to watch Castiel, but discovers nothing, as Sophia and Castiel’s meetings are truly secret- she sees him alone in her room, which is warded against anything supernatural, including angels. He often spends the night with her in her room, slowly rekindling their relationship and regaining her trust. Castiel is only allowed to enter because she allows him, as her magic is controlled only by her.

After Sam is locked in Lucifer’s cage with Lucifer and Dean leaves to settle down with Lisa, Castiel admits he is tired of Heaven’s chaos and lack of direction, and wants to join her permanently on Earth. Without alerting Monica, they set out to find a ritual that will turn Castiel into a witch from an angel, and are in the process of developing their own ritual when Sam returns to their group. Sam disagrees with their union, but still joins them, hoping to convince them otherwise. It is Sam who eventually alerts Monica of Sophia’s relationship with Castiel to try to separate them, which causes a very dramatic scene between Sophia, Monica, and Castiel. It backfires on a soulless Sam, for Castiel shows Sophia real love, which opens Monica’s eyes to the depth of his love for her. Monica accepts and embraces their relationship by giving Sophia her Book of Shadows, which is the missing piece of their quest to change Castiel. Though they do not need to be the same type of being to remain together forever, witch law states that only witches can marry each other, and Castiel wanted to respect the law.

When things in Heaven and on Earth get in the way, Sophia and Castiel decide to improvise. Sophia and Castiel have a bonding ceremony, which is simple: A magically binding promise that when the choice is theirs, they will always choose each other. Dean is witness, and he sees the depth of their emotions in their vows, and he admits to himself that it is completely moving. Though they are referred to as husband and wife, that is not what the ritual was- the marriage ritual is very different, and closer to all the ritual and time consuming effort of a traditional wedding.

When Castiel absorbs all of Sam’s mental illness, Sophia stops hunting to stay with him. She remains there until Cass wakes out of a slumber when the Winchesters open the tablet. Because she insists on going with Castiel and Dean to take down Dick Roman (to protect the barely capable Castiel), she is also blasted into Purgatory- but somewhere much worse. When they arrive, to keep her safe, Castiel sends her far away from him, as the Leviathan are hunting for him. She awakens as a captive of a demon she had sent to Purgatory years earlier, named Valac. He appears to her in the form of Castiel, for he knows it will be more painful for her if he tortures her as someone she loves.

For the first nine months she spends in Purgatory, she is restrained daily and tortured for the pain she has inflicted on demons and monsters she has personally sent there- and the numbers are quite impressive. The scars from her self-harming days disappear, and new ones inflicted by torture are left in place. Every day, Valac brings a new monster that she has sent to Purgatory to confront her and repay the debt of pain. After nine long months, she breaks free and fights her way out of Purgatory for 3 months. She cannot find Sam, Castiel, Dean, or even Meg, so she heads to Europe until Dean calls her home.

When she arrives, Dean tells her that Castiel did not make it, and it is revealed that she has become mentally unhinged from her time in Purgatory. She suffers from tremors, and she twitches at unexpected loud sounds. She has become truly broken and she seems hollow inside. The pain of losing Castiel finally drives Sophia completely criminally insane, and she sets out to burn Crowley once and for all, as she blames him for all of Castiel’s mistakes.

She disappears, and Sam and Dean feel responsible. There is a rash of killings, tortures, and maimings with her distinct trademark and aura on them, and Sam and Dean decide to find her and stop her, and force her to get help, even if she kills them. Crowley visits them and says he will release Kevin Tran if they can call Sophia off his trail, and they consider taking his deal. They find her, but can’t stop her, and she nearly kills Sam in the process. She disappears, and doesn’t appear again until Castiel reappears to Sam and Dean. She blows the door off the motel room, and her reaction at seeing Castiel is emotional, to say the very least. She is devastated at her experience in Purgatory, and she blames Cass for it. Her scars still show, and some still bleed. Castiel realizes that even though he tried to protect her, he could not save her. She blames him for not protecting her, and feels abandoned by him. Castiel is devastated at what became of her, and he, too, blames himself.

Castiel reveals to the Winchesters that before all of this happened, he had been slowly trying to heal her shattered soul, and that when she had been blasted into Purgatory, she had had very little humanity and soul left. Because Purgatory is such a terrible place, it has contributed to her losing nearly all her humanity, which has a terrible effect on her and her kind. It can result in Sophia turning evil, hurting people she normally cares about and strives to protect(hence, why she nearly killed Sam). He hypothesizes that she must have lost what little she had left when he sent her away from him and was captured. He remarks, without knowing about her killing spree, that she must be very strong if she held it together the way she did after returning. Dean and Sam then reveal that after being told that Castiel was dead, Sophia became completely mentally unhinged, and murdered anyone who stood in her path to Crowley from then until now.

When Cass touches her, it is revealed that Sophia has a fever, and is very sick with what seems to be some kind of infection. No one can understand how it happened, as Sophia is immortal, indestructible, and impervious to illness. It is Cass’ turn to care for her, and he hypothesizes that it must have happened in Purgatory, as on Earth can actually ail Sophia. Basically, human illnesses no longer affect her, but something contracted in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory can penetrate her system, though the effects have never been able to be explored, as Sophia is the first of her kind to contract an illness.

Castiel later reveals to Sam that it is not really an illness, but the last of her humanity dying deep inside her. In her people, a death of humanity presents as an illness that lasts for all of eternity, if not repaired. If Sophia does not let Castiel, or anyone else for that matter, fix her, she will suffer for all eternity and will be an easy target among her enemies.

Sophia is still violently ill when the group goes to retrieve Samandriel from Crowley’s grip. Sophia disappears to hunt Crowley while the others fight. Sophia doesn’t come until Castiel activates the inner voice they have between them, since they are bonded together for eternity. Castiel wonders why the voice within them was off the entire time they were in Purgatory, but assumes that Purgatory had blocked it. When Sophia comes to him, she tells him that she flipped the switch herself while they were in Purgatory, because she was too heartbroken to see or contact him.

After Sophia’s health is mysteriously restored(Castiel gives her soul a patch job in secret), she leaves and takes a lot of time away. She takes a menial food service job and begins drinking heavily. Castiel watches her invisibly, even at times speaking to her while he is invisible, but the connection between them is shut off. Eventually, Sophia reveals that she has been able to feel Castiel’s presence all along, though she cannot see or hear him, and he is invisible to her not because Castiel wishes it to be so, but because she does. She breaks down crying, and finally allows Castiel to show himself to her.

Sophia and Lucifer

Sophia’s relationship with Lucifer is VERY complicated. They begin as enemies, and regard each other as worthy adversaries. When Castiel’s grace is removed, and he is dying with every new grace he takes, Sophia becomes desperate, calling Lucifer to her without intending to. He tells her that he heard her calling from the Cage and that their bond is, and always has been, something special, and more important than his bond with Sam. Sophia rolls her eyes. Luci offers to help her fix Castiel and take down Metatron, seemingly without asking for anything in return. Sophia is suspicious, but when he makes no move to truly hurt her or anyone around her, she is confused. She agrees and gives him permission to use her. She winds up kicking him out, as he proves useless, though he does give her a small lead on tracking down Castiel’s grace, as well as giving her the power and knowledge to repair it. She boots him back into the Cage.

A large part of Sophia and Lucifer’s relationship is the fact that he carried the Mark, and it corrupted him. That same darkness runs in Sophia a mile deep, but she chooses to use it for good, unlike Lucifer, who cannot control the darkness within him, despite his power. He feels that he and Sophia are kindred as result of the Mark, and while he knows he cannot part her from the Winchesters or Castiel, he is jealous of them for having her love, which he knows he’ll never have, especially not after he killed Castiel, possessed Sam, and tried to kill Dean.

When Castiel says yes to Lucifer and allows him to take Castiel as his vessel, Lucifer becomes oddly controlled by Sophia. It is a sick, twisted, perverted obsession, and Sophia is unimpressed, though she does know the story of how the Mark corrupted him and how God betrayed him- and knowing how that Darkness and betrayal feels as well, she cannot deny that she does feel some empathy for him somewhere deep down, though she vehemently denies that they are in any way kindred. It becomes a disturbing thought process she has- nearly feeling empathy and pity for Lucifer, for the betrayal and the vilification he has endured. She DOES feel a connection between them, though she denies it to everyone around her, and though she has shown him true compassion

Lucifer has never come right out and said that he is in love with Sophia, though he alludes to it, having felt the love that both Sam and Castiel have for her. He admits that it would be enough to make anyone love her, and to drive them insane. He does admit to his sexual attraction to her,

Sophia and Sam

Though their relationship begins as platonic, Sam and Sophia’s relationship evolves the most, beginning as friends, becoming best friends, becoming enemies, reconciling, avoiding their romantic tension, becoming sexually involved, and admitting that they love each other.

In season 1, it’s communicated that John Winchester had hoped that Sam and Sophia would fall in love(although this proves to be wrong), and Sophia would bring him closer to his family. He saw Dean’s sadness, for he missed his baby brother, and John plotted to bring Sam back to them using Sophia. It obviously backfired, though he is attracted to Sophia instantly, as many men are. He is content to be her friend because he will never get in the way of his brother’s happiness. Through the second and third season, he proves to be a friend and confidant to Sophia, even turning to her for advice and guidance at times. He trusts her implicitly(sometimes more than he trusts Dean), and she trusts him as well.

In season 3, after Dean breaks up with her, Sophia and Sam become incredibly close to each other. One night, at a dinner she has brought him to, Sam finally falls in love with Sophia for real. It was a full moon, when Sophia’s power is at its strongest, and Sam didn’t stand a chance. It was the final push that took Sam’s feelings from infatuation to real love.

The next seasons involve a back and forth “Will they or won’t they?” scenario, although it seems that Sophia is put off at Sam never looking for her while she is in Purgatory. She nearly kills him in her weakened state, and though he has no resentment, hers lasts a bit longer.

After Sam betrays Sophia and Dean to remove the Mark of Cain and Charlie is murdered, Sophia is stunned, heartbroken, and cuts Sam out of her life. She tells him any relationship they have is over, and tells him what he has done is beyond forgiveness. She eventually begins to miss him, and they slowly rebuild their relationship, becoming more like a real couple and reaffirming their friendship.

Sophia and Mary Winchester

Sophia is NOT fond of Mary Winchester, beginning in season 4. When she discovers that the events leading up to the present are the result of the deal Mary made, she is less than enthused. She remains quiet about her feelings towards Mary, but then when Mary is resurrected, Sophia seems to be the only person who is not thrilled. She holds back about her feelings until she and Mary are alone in the bunker, and not even Castiel is there. She tells Mary that she isn’t a fan of her treating her sons like a revolving door.

Season 9

After Castiel falls and his grace is removed by Metatron, he leaves Sophia, who has just recovered from the events of the last few years, and distances himself from everyone, including her, to keep them all safe, as he is being hunted by other angels with varying degrees of power. He doesn’t tell her that Dean actually sent him away, and she is unaware that there is an angel inside Sam. Sophia is incredibly lonely without Castiel, as well as sexually frustrated, and so begins secretly visiting the bunker to hang out with Sam, as she has learned how to bring herself anywhere she wants and can get into anything. This quickly turns into the two of them sleeping together, and while Sam is still in love with her, she considers it just sex, even though she is passionate and affectionate with him. Kevin discovers them secretly, and uses their secret to blackmail Sophia into translating a few texts for him, especially ones on how to torture and/or kill Crowley. Kevin is murdered before he can blow their secret(and before Sophia can fully translate the texts for him), but Castiel himself walks in on Sam and Sophia together, right after Sophia finally tells Sam she loves him. Sam is heartbroken when Sophia runs after Castiel, but they all proceed to work things out together.

After Sam is kidnapped by Garth’s step-mother-in-law, Joy, Sophia senses that Sam is in danger, and she arrives at the barn, knocking Joy out and beating her nearly to death out of protectiveness of Sam. Garth is startled at her ferocity, wondering when Sophia became so bloodthirsty. Sam reveals that Sophia had spent entirely too much time being tortured in Purgatory, and it had changed her. After Sophia puts down Joy, she runs to Sam to free him. While she is near him, Garth catches a whiff of their pheromones coming off each other, and he instantly suspects something is going on between them. He notices how gentle and sensual they are with each other, even sees them stealing a kiss while Dean is outside, and he brings it up to Dean, who confronts Sam and Sophia about it soon after.

When they admit to sleeping together in secret, Dean is angry, but is kept in check by Sam reminding him of the lies he has told recently and the decisions he has made. Dean calms down, but reminds Sam that Sophia is bonded to Castiel- and will break Sam’s heart to return to Castiel. Her time in Purgatory has made her colder and far less kind. Of course, Sam and Sophia’s relationship has been strictly sex, but Sophia often blurs the lines with kindness and genuine affection towards Sam, including showing up to save his life when Dean would have been too late. Sophia is now struggling with feelings for Sam that she cannot bury, deny, or ignore.

Alternate: Sophia sleeping with both Castiel and Sam causes friction between her and the both of them, always ending in Castiel walking out on her, and her walking out on Sam, until finally, Sam walks out on her. In an attempt to extend on olive branch, she visits him with flowers. She offers him a Christmas getaway, anywhere in the world he wants to go. He opts for a cabin in Alaska, and she takes him. The cabin and the land around it are protected and enchanted, so they are undetectable by anything supernatural and natural. There, Sophia finally admits she loves Sam, and decorates a beautiful tree just for him with her magic. Sam checks their phones and, out of slight jealousy, listens to a voicemail from Castiel stating that something big is happening and that he is heading to the bunker to find her. He deletes that message and all others until Sophia catches him, prompting them to return to the bunker where Dean tries to beat Sophia to death yet again, and Castiel leaves with her while Sam and Dean argue.

Distance grows between Sam and Sophia when they begin to disagree about removing the Mark. Sophia is trying to either keep the Mark on Dean, or move it to herself to avoid what will happen to Dean. She can fight the power of the Mark, and she is willing to take it on to avoid what will happen if it’s removed. Because of their arguments, Sam keeps her in the dark about working with Rowena. At the same time, Sophia begins to align more with Dean again, and this brings them closer together, reigniting the feelings between them. They culminate in Dean and Sophia going on a rampage to avenge Charlie’s death, the Darkness within both of them surfacing.

Bonding Ritual

The witch bonding ritual is not a marriage ritual. It is two consenting immortals (modified by Sophia to apply to any immortals, not just her line of witches) promising to choose each other when the choice belongs to them and them alone. In their case, while Castiel has obligations to Heaven and restoring order, when he has the choice between anything else and Sophia, he will always choose Sophia. It is not a marriage ritual, per se, but a promise ritual. So, even though Castiel and Sophia occasionally refer to each other as husband and wife, they are actually NOT married by any means, except in their hearts, which is why Dean refers to Sophia as Castiel’s “real wife”. They are free to live a life outside of each other and pursue other goals(Castiel chooses fixing Heaven, Sophia chooses helping kill Abaddon, continuing to help the Winchesters in general, and sleeping with Sam).

Sophia never gives up hope that she and Castiel will be able to marry one day, as marrying a Winchester is out of the question. Her heart has always belonged to Castiel, and though they sometimes travel on a slippery slope, the one thing they always believe in is each other.

Sophia and Monica Blackwood

Despite Sophia being fiercely independent and having a rough childhood, she and Monica are very close and share a special bond. Monica is an elder and the undisputed leader in their community, a position that falls to Sophia if Monica cannot fulfill her duties. Monica and Sophia have a connection that allows communication while being thousands of miles apart, as well as in the same room, in split seconds. Sophia knows all this, but continues on her path regardless of her responsibilities, because she knows she is on the front lines of the biggest battle her kind has faced.

When Sophia was six, she witnessed her first kill: her father slaughtered a group of demons who intended to kill her. Sophia saw her father’s skill, and instantly, he became her idol. She asked him to teach her how to fight. Her skill and ferocity as a fighter is an inherited trait from her father, as he taught her very rigorously, often depriving her of basic comfort to teach her how to survive with nothing. This training proved vital to her success as a hunter, often because she would hide in the wilderness. Sophia, always precocious and very studious in everything she learned, always excelled as a fighter and learned to trust her instincts at an early age. When she was seven, she managed to kill a demon on her own. It was then that Monica Blackwood marked her daughter for her position and began to prime her as a witch hunter.

Monica’s Death, Sophia’s Takeover Metatron turned Monica Blackwood, Sophia’s mother, back to a mortal woman to force Sophia to back down from hunting him. When Sophia refused to back down at Monica’s insistence, Metatron murdered Monica. Before dying, Monica transferred her power and title entirely over to her daughter, leaving the fate of their people in Sophia’s hands. Sophia’s despair at the loss of her mother immobilized her at first, but found a stride in learning how to connect to the other witches with help from Castiel.

She began to open up about her life and her experiences, and soon they came to ask her for advice in life, love, and in fighting. They even offered to welcome Jody, Claire and Alex into their group and change them, though they maintained that the choice was up to the three of them individually. Sophia said she would allow their transformation as long as they chose it out of their own free will and out of a desire to do good.

Sophia and Amara Sophia has been keeping a secret for a very long time- her connection to Amara. Of course, Amara wasn’t freed until season 11, so the secret stayed safe. It’s when Amara is freed that Sophia’s true origins are revealed. Sophia’s motivation for her rage at Sam is in part triggered by this as well- she has been trying to stop him from removing the Mark from Dean because she knows it will release the Darkness- though exactly what would happen, she couldn’t have known. Sophia’s entire specific line of witches(her mother’s line specifically) were created by Amara as a way to spite her brother, God(which shows just how taboo Castiel and Sophia’s relationship really is- a creature hand crafted by God with a creature God’s sister made to spite him- considered by many to be an abomination). They were originally known as dark witches(and are known as the original witches- anyone not descended from them is not considered to be a witch by blood- such as Rowena), and served Amara as their Goddess(Amara was locked away because God feared she would make a more perfect creation than he, and she did- the Abellona, who are revered among angels, demons, etc., as the perfect creation), and did only her bidding. The Abellona have never knelt down before God, and answer to no one anymore, which angers Amara. Amara was contained in the Mark of Cain, so her line began to serve themselves as well as humanity. They became the powerful hunters and healers they are today, and when Sophia was chosen to become their leader, she became privy to the fact that she- and only she- would be able to stop Amara if she were ever freed. Her blood spilled will destroy Amara- and the Darkness itself. Sophia also has the option of drawing the Darkness into herself and choosing to fight it out for eternity to save the world. Both could kill her, but also might not- the chance is a true 50/50. Sophia, once the Darkness was freed, became VERY secretive about her knowledge of the Darkness. Her power began to spin out of control, and she even took a step back from using it, since she could barely control it. Since Amara created her bloodline of witches, Amara’s power flows through each of them. Sophia is the strongest, and their leader. Being a leader in this bloodline means accepting sacrifice- sometimes the ultimate sacrifice. Though Dean is connected to Amara by having borne the Mark, Sophia is the only one powerful enough to fight her to the death and succeed, as she is descended directly from her- created from her own blood and essence- and their blood flows as one. There is no coincidence that Cain passed the Mark onto someone in his own bloodline(Dean), and that the true owner of the Mark and its power is actually Sophia. It’s no coincidence that Sophia and the Winchesters(especially Dean) came together. When Dean killed Cain, all of his power reverted to the strongest in the blood line, Amara’s blood line- Sophia. Ever since, her power has been unpredictable and murky. Sophia, who previously had ironclad self-control over her power, began to slip. The only one to notice was Castiel- who feared for her safety. When he discovered Sophia’s connection to Cain, and to the Darkness- that they are part of her origins, he began to work to free her of the darkness within and regain control over her power. He said yes to Lucifer out of love, and out of an attempt to save her from her fate, which was yet undecided. When Sophia discovered what Sam had done, she realized her time was coming, and shut him out partly to protect him from her and her lack of control. She began to discover that her power was so strong that it could slaughter whole towns, and that as Amara grew and became stronger, her power became more unpredictable and violent. She began to have violent dreams, and also shared dreams from inside Amara’s head, experiencing them as if she was living them, seeing them through Amara’s eyes(When Amara dreams of Dean, it arouses old feelings of Sophia’s, and creates a shadow of jealousy around Castiel- Dean is the only one he feels is a threat to their relationship). Dean admits that he cannot hurt Amara, and Sam agrees to do it himself. Sophia is silent, knowing that when the time comes, it will be her that murders her own creator(because dramatic). Castiel becomes determined to save Sophia, but fails to as the time draws near. He says yes to Lucifer because he knows that Luci can save Sophia, but doesn’t realize that in doing so, Lucifer will likely have to sacrifice himself. In the end, Sophia knows that Lucifer is never that unselfish, regardless of his attachment to her. Amara calls to Sophia by threatening Castiel and Dean. She uses Dean as bait, making Sophia think that she has abducted Dean. Sophia, even though she knows it is a trick, is determined to get the fight over with so that Sam, Dean, and Castiel are safe. Castiel tries to stop her from going, and accuses her of still being in love with Dean. The violence and darkness deep within Sophia rises up from inside her, for the time to fight Amara is near, and it perceives Castiel as dangerous from her emotional spike. For the first time since Castiel returned to her seven years earlier, she beats him down with near robotic precision, almost killing him. Her power has made her thirst for blood entirely too strong, and it mirrors an earlier scene where Dean, bearing the Mark of Cain, almost kills Castiel as well. Her power at an all-time high, she severs the bond between the two of them, the darkness within her irrevocably taking her over. As Castiel cries and pleads with her, she dons her leather jacket to take the fight to Amara. She arrives to a surprise: Amara has taken Sam hostage, not Dean. Amara is torturing Sam as Sophia arrives. The sight of Sam in pain ignites a fire deep within Sophia, shoving her goodness and humanity to the very pit of her soul. Amara doesn’t expect this to trigger Sophia’s psychotic behavior, and Sophia attacks Amara, paralyzing her and nearly beating her. She frees Sam, telling him she loves him, not expecting to survive. Sam leaves, but not before he watches Sophia reach in and burn out Amara’s essence with her bare hands, sucking everything into herself. The sight of it scares Sam half to death, and he runs for his life. Sophia takes Amara’s essence into herself, containing it deep in her soul. After she eradicates The Darkness, she collapses with the new power inside her.

Dean arrives to save Sam, and finds Sam long gone. Sophia lies on the floor, nearly lifeless. He carries her to his car, knowing he needs to find Castiel. He drives like a maniac to the bunker, discovering Castiel barely alive, nearly cowering. Dean carries Sophia’s lifeless body in, and Castiel is beside himself. He tries to heal her, but he is too weak. Castiel, defeated and weak, collapses at her side, sobbing. Dean stands on the peripheral of the scene, beside himself. Sam arrives, and soon his tears flow as well. Outside, a thunderstorm kicks up, and the balance of the world is off-kilter. With a low, rumbling and booming thunderclap (no lightning, too dramatic), Sophia awakens, her eyes vibrantly glowing purple. No one notices at first, but when her hand touches Castiel’s hair, he jerks up. Looking deeply into his eyes, she heals him, but then discovers that their bond is severed. Ashamed and beyond broken at her actions, she disappears. After the fight, Sophia’s power returns to normal, but she does not. She becomes withdrawn and isolated, disappearing for weeks at a time. She will occasionally appear at the bunker to surprise Dean to watch a movie or have a burger. Her emotional connections have been severed, and she finds it depressing and impossible to connect to anyone. Despite both of them pleading with her to stay and get help, she leaves soon after. Castiel, heartbroken, tries to search for her, but feels that the flame inside her is out, and cannot find her.

Season 12 Sophia

ALTERNATE: Sophia nearly spirals down into a pool of guilt and shame over hurting Castiel, and of her other actions when the Darkness controlled her. She is on the run for some time, and though both Chuck and Castiel manage to find her, neither are able to coax her home. Eventually, the thought of being without Castiel scares her so much that she calls him to her, and he remains with her.

Sam and Dean also get her a puppy named Sasha, who instantly attaches to Sophia, though Dean tries to win her over. Sasha also likes Castiel, as most animals do. It seems, for a while, that the four of them continue together as a family unit, though Sophia and Castiel sometimes are on their own.

Random Facts

-Castiel using Jimmy Novak as a vessel was not random. Castiel, in another vessel and trailing Sophia to protect her, saw the way she looked at Jimmy Novak while passing him in a crowd and opted to use him as a vessel since he was willing and she was attracted to him. He has also been referred to as Castiel’s “true vessel”- this is also accurate, since Jimmy was created for Sophia. Even though Jimmy and Amelia are soul mates and share their Heaven, his vessel was created for Sophia and Sophia alone. -Sophia has drawn the attention of more than one angel. Balthazar, whom she brings back from the dead with the help of Lucifer, had his attention on her even before Castiel was sent to her. She uses his affection for her to convince him to help her contain Lucifer within her body. Gabriel, though he is not attracted to her, has always felt a soft spot for her. Lucifer is also very attracted to her after seeing her through both Sam and Castiel’s eyes, and his motivation to save her from sacrificing herself stems from those feelings. -Sophia’s high school boyfriend, whom she also lost her virginity to, is a very handsome, charming, charismatic guy. He is a cause of jealousy from Castiel and Sam, who both long for a normal relationship with Sophia, but will never have it. When he asks her out on a date, both of them follow her and watch from afar, imagining what a normal relationship with her would be like. She entertains the idea of casually dating him, but realizes she is only trying to hold onto the normalcy she had sought to separate herself from for years. -Sophia has a soft spot for cute, furry animals, and is capable of taming animals from the wild, though she does not, as it upsets the natural order of things. She has a natural way of attracting dogs and cats to her, and has a Border Collie-German Shepherd puppy until a demon kills it sometime in season 6. -Sophia is also an incredibly impressive chef. She did actually study at a culinary institute in France when she was younger, and often creates incredible meals from literally almost nothing. -Sophia is not fond of Mary Winchester, nor the fact that she left her sons alone after being resurrected for them.

#supernatural #deanwinchester #samwinchester #castiel #assbutt #spn #fanfic

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