#imagine being this fuckin attractive bro......

[pricegouge]

hi hello just wanted to tell you that the wellies story with gaz and price is such a delight, everything about it is *chef's kiss*

I think Price would keep the hat, though, and wear it to the bar where Reader is having her date/make up date. Because then she HAS to storm up to Price and demand it back??? HOURS of handcrafting, Gaz unhelpfully being like "the color suits him :)" Price not-so-subtly delighted at ALL of this (also he does kind of like the hat. Maybe he can convince you to make him one in a different color?)

Gaz asks you to point out your date (someone who immediately clocks as ick. Like a stock broker finance bro type?) and Gaz immediately vetoes that. That guy isn't your date anymore. He and Price are! Now, about this camera they owe you....

Price in a knit fuchsia cap got me fuckin' good. Sorry this took so long! Even more sorry I'm posting unedited, but if I look at this any longer I'll blow up so here we go

(follow up to this)

The worst part is, once you see him in it, shining like a neon sign from clear across the bar, you understand completely why they'd had to unceremoniously rip it off your head that day. Even here, surrounded as he is by the general visual noise of the city and patrons who are by no means dressed to blend in, the man sticks out like a sore thumb. (Made no better for the fact that he still stands head and shoulders above all those around him, of course, but that's beside the point.) You can only imagine how garishly you'd stood out among the stretch of that green meadow, how much you'd jeopardized not only their mission but their very lives by simply being there.

Of course, that knowledge does nothing to soothe the anger that rises within you when you see the men responsible for ruining your last (better) dating prospect waltz in on your current one as if their only new objective is to ruin your night again while wearing the handmade hat you're now realizing they'd stolen from you. (You'd thought you'd misplaced it on the bus last week. One moment it was there, the next gone. Now you wonder how you could have missed either of them sitting aboard public transportation, or how long they'd been following you to now conveniently show up in at least two of the same places you were.)

You stare daggers at the two of them. John ignores you, pink cap bobbing through the crowd as he makes his way to the bar. Kyle posts up at a booth and smirks at you openly, unabashedly. He's impossibly more attractive outside of the grease paint and twig mass. You ignore the delightful flip your belly does when he clocks the way you take in the breadth of him, how he tests the seams of his button down, and his smirk turns to the kind of smile that should require a legal registry.

"What are you looking at?"

You startle a bit when a big head floats into your field of vision, Jeremiah's frown completely obscuring the much better view you'd just been staring down. He swivels to look behind himself, head rotating like an automatic, unmanned security camera. Observing, but not seeing anything. 

As far as prospects had gone, Jeremiah had been one of the least favorite matches you'd made on your little dating app; but after the failure from a few weeks past you'd been getting desperate, and his nice hair combined with his clever sales pitch tongue had eventually wooed you after enough messaging. Unfortunately, thirty seconds after meeting him in person you'd realized your initial instinct had indeed been right when he'd tried negging your outfit in the same breath he'd used to greet you at the door. He hadn't even chosen a good place to meet. With the way he dressed and spoke, you'd almost been looking forward to the novelty of some swanky bar uptown, but the pub he'd given you the name of was barely better than a hole in the wall. A dying fern stood in the corner, its only source of sustenance the light up dart board on its right, and the empty mugs surrounding it, the tacky puddle in its water pan suggesting it was a popular place to pour one's dregs out into. The sticky table felt like a fly trap, suggesting either years of buildup which had grown resistant to bleach, or a general incompetence on management's part as to how proper cleaning worked. You've no idea why you'd even stayed. Perhaps just a desire to stay out of the house. Part of you knows it's actually a desire to get laid so strong you're willing to overlook his shortcomings so long as you can clamp a hand over his mouth later and ride him until you're satisfied, but you don't want to look too closely at that part of you.

"Apologies. There's a man over there I recognize."

"Oh? Should I be worried?" His expression is genial enough when he asks, but his eyes keep something slightly colder at bay. Annoyance, perhaps. Not jealousy, you don't think. Not yet, at least. Probably hasn't actually clocked Kyle yet.

You should soothe him, you know. Coo reassurances, stutter through excuses and make up lies about just knowing them from your uni days or something. But then you remember Kyle's clever tongue, his blatant flirting. You remember John's heavy hands on you and the way they'd joked about keeping you all night. You're annoyed with them, more so when you remember how they'd left you high and dry after handing you off to the wolves back at base to tear into and question. But they're here now, have been for days, potentially, you're reminded when John ducks his head back into the booth, the subtle streaks of tinsel in the yarn you'd used glowing under the pendant light. He's got three drinks with him, sends you a casual wink when he spots you staring.

"Yes."

Jeremiah sputters. "Sorry?"

"Yes. You should be worried," you clarify casually. "Excuse me."

The boys aren't subtle about watching you as you approach, though Gaz leans into his captain's space to whisper something in his ear which makes his mustache twitch distractedly. It takes you a minute to pick your way over to them. You don't have much of a game plan beyond demanding your hat back, and hopefully garnering some insight as to why they're following you, but that doesn't explain the thrill you feel when their eyes trail you, or the way your mouth runs dry when you realize you're going to have to talk to them this time, no convenient excuse of situational silence keeping you from putting your foot in your mouth. You tell yourself you're at least not likely to drift off under one of them this time, and then suppress a heavy swallow when you realize you don't actually want that to be true. It's why your voice isn't quite as strong as you'd hoped when you approach their table, skipping formalities and demanding to know what they're doing here.

It's like they can smell your apprehension, John content to just keep smirking at you while Kyle responds with the kind of cocky voice you would hate on anyone else, but just serves to remind you how much the tone is earned when he uses it. "Can't a captain treat his favorite sergeant to a drink after work anymore?"

It's the phrasing that catches your attention, momentarily distracting you from reaching out and ripping your hat off John's head. It's too familiar to Jeremiah's own proposition for the evening, too jarring when used in relation to military work. "You've been following me," you state bluntly, wondering if it's possible they've even bugged your phones.

"Only a lot," Kyle agrees cheekily.

"Why?"

"Had to make sure you weren't going 'round telling everyone what you'd seen, petal," John grumbles, voice just as deep and dark as you remember. It's hard to hear him over the din of the pub. You tell yourself that's why you lean into him a bit when he speaks, though you turn it into a snatching motion easily enough.

"That why you stole my hat?" 

John deflects you casually, turning your hand away somehow both deftly and gently. His grip changes once he has you under control, turning instead to guide you into the booth next to him. His arm finds the seat back behind you, but you stubbornly remain leaning forward, refusing to ease into him this time.

"Cap didn't steal it," Gaz corrects, eyes lingering on the captain's hand where he still grips your wrist. "I did."

It's hard to accept the fact that Kyle could ever escape your notice, but you suppose he's earned his position in life for a reason. "Right." You round on John, "So did you lose a bet?"

The captain chuckles. His thumb smoothes along the heel of your hand and then is gone, tipping the amber whiskey of his drink absently. "Won one, actually. Gaz here wanted to be the one to wear it."

"Would've looked better with my complexion," the other man reasons, batting his pretty eyes at you exaggeratedly. Far behind him, you spot your date sputtering indignantly to a waitress, the poor girl's face clearly disinterested. So much for your shoe-in. You refuse to acknowledge why that doesn't bother you as much as it would have even just five minutes ago.

"Yeah, well, if I only got to wear the things I wear better, I'd be walking around naked," John gripes goodnaturedly. "Isn't that right, flower?"

Kyle saves you from sputtering out an answer by sighing wistfully. "If only."

John smirks indulgently at him and you blink away, feeling like an outsider when you see the older man's hand disappear under the table, movement suggesting he's rubbing Kyle's leg. You try not to remember how it felt to have those heavy hands on you. "Can I get my hat back, please?"

"Well, at least you remembered your manners this time," John grumbles. You'd try snatching it off his head again just for the commentary, if you weren't becoming increasingly certain it would land you sprawled across his lap.

"Where you rushing off to anyway?" Kyle adds. He slides the third drink in front of John your way. "Drink with us."

You eye the fruity, fluorescent monstrosity before you skeptically. They don't seem the type to meet barely legal ladies out for a drink in a tiny place like this, but you can't imagine they'd had anyone else in mind when John had ordered whatever this was. "You expecting someone younger?"

John's low laugh makes his mustache twitch. "Heard once that a good rule of thumb if you don't know someone's drink order, is to try and match their outfit." He ducks his chin, looking you over from under his brow. In theory, it should seem more judgemental than appraising, but you still feel like he's assessing your outfit by removing it first.

Self consciously, you run your hand over the flowery blue dress you have on, distracting yourself from thinking too hard about what it meant that he'd bought you a drink. You suppose the color is a bit electric, but the way it fits more than makes up for its flashiness. Or at least, you'd thought it did. Now, seeing it paired with some stomach turning blue curaçao concoction, you feel much less certain about that. "You heard wrong. Besides, I can't stay. I'm on a date," you sniff. You probably shouldn't drink anything handed to you by men you knew were stalking you anyway.

Kyle shrugs agreeably, swapping your drink for his simple rum and coke as he asks who you're out with. You eye it warily, but spot the smudge of Kyle's own lips on the edge so you figure it's safe enough to drink, though you make a point of wiping it off, sneering at Kyle when he laughs at you. 

"Stock broker Jeremiah," you recite, trying to keep the jeer from your tone. You motion back behind yourself. "Over there." 

"Stock broker?" John repeats, voice so thick the words fall from his lips like smoke. You think you spot a smirk hidden in his chops. 

"That your type, luv?"

"Not particularly," you admit. "But he'll have to do, seeing as the last one didn't take too kindly to being stood up."

Kyle tuts, tone too amused to be sympathetic. "Didn't believe you'd been laid up?"

"Should've had him call us, flower. We could've vouched for you," John suggests. Somehow, you know introducing these two to any prospective partners would be a terrible idea.

Still, it sounds amusing.

You shrug, wishing you had a beer bottle to peer the label off of. "Jeremiah makes good money," you offer, the only thing you can really remember from Jeremiah's profile. John hums, lower than the din of the room. Kyle's face is too blank, the same strict discipline he used with his cheek glued to his rifle. Briefly, you're back under John, the din of the surrounding crowd swallowed up by your twin heartbeats. Your eyes flick between the two, take in the tight control of their expressions. It would probably fool most, but you've spent your fair share of time studying the minutiae of faces, the way muscles twitch under stimuli no matter how properly trained the model. Even dead tissue will contract when properly motivated. "He's just bought me a new camera, in fact."

Gaz scoffs. John's eyes narrow. The two exchange sidelong glances and you sip your drink. You'd believed John when he'd said he'd replace your camera, but after being split up at base he'd never located you again and no one had been very forthcoming with information as to how you could contact your new friends to collect. A week after the incident, a cheap, basic camera and a base model macro lens had appeared on your step, the packaging cold and impersonal, shipped direct from the warehouse. No new boots ever came. The camera hadn't been anywhere near as nice as the one you'd lost, but it wasn't like there was a calling card you could air your grievances to so you'd cut your losses and just thanked whoever was listening that you'd even made it out of that valley alive. Now, however, watching the men who'd promised to take care of everything have their pride bruised by some asshole in a button up too expensive to deign resting his silken elbows on the dirty table of the bar he'd decided you were fit for, the weeks of frustration almost seemed worth it. And so what if it wasn't true anyway?

"Excuse me." 

Your date's sudden appearance nearly makes you jump out of your skin, the prospect of introducing him to these men suddenly far less appealing when John rumbles, "Don't think I will."

Jeremiah sneers at him before turning to you. "I'm heading out. Don't think this -," he motions between the two of you, lets his finger swirl around the table to include the boys when the motion peters out, "- is for me. Have a good one, yeah?"

"Oh, um, okay. Sor-."

John stops you. "Don't apologize to him, petal. It's him there owes you one."

"And why would I need to apologize?" 

"Existing?" Kyle suggests.

"Wasting her time?" John tacks on. 

"Insulting my dress," you decide.

Kyle's tsk noise draws your attention. When you look, he's got those exaggeratedly huge eyes darting between you and your date. "When it fits you like that?" he clarifies, making you blush.

"Right wanker," John agrees. His voice is still playful, but the look he's leveling Jeremiah with is anything but. 

"It's - it's -. It's blue!" your date sputters, waving at you as if your offense should be obvious.

John leans close, mustache tickling your ear. "Sounds like a man who can't appreciate a good pair of obnoxiously yellow wellies."

"You threw my wellies in the creek," you counter, too amused to muster much anger.

"Bought you new ones," Kyle offers and you narrow your eyes at him because, following you or not, there's no way they could know -.

"What size?"

Kyle just grins. "On the first date?"

"On our first date," Jeremiah reminds you.

You ignore them both, rounding on John. "And you ripped off my hat!" To illustrate your point, you attempt to snatch it back again, but the captain ducks it just as easily as he did the first time.

"I'll give it back when you make me a new one."

"Wait, I stole it fair and square," Kyle counters. John doesn't dodge him as easily, the silver streaks of his dark, mussed hair catching the light just like your yarn did. He doesn't even bother trying to snatch it back, watching with fond eyes as Kyle replaces his hat with your own. He'd been right, he does wear it better.

"If I make you one too, will you give it back?"

"Fat chance," the sergeant scoffs, and with an expert toss, he saucers his own hat onto your head, grinning like a fool when you let John tug it more firmly on. 

A scoff behind you draws their attention. John glares over your shoulder again, but Kyle just waves, cheeky enough to elicit another humorless laugh. Byt the time you turn around, your date's already on his way. You're not particularly upset by it, figuring even if… whatever this is… doesn't pan out to anything, at least you'll have spent the evening in better company than originally planned.

The boys are both staring at you when you look back. You don't bother acting disappointed, though you know there's a version of this evening that sees you spitting mad, being soothed and gentled like a finicky horse with big hands and hushed tones. As appealing as it sounds, you'd rather spend your time actually talking, making up for your first meeting with them when you couldn't do much beyond gripe about your position, or whine about being bored. So instead you shrug, and the boy's smirks turn leery, and you suppress a shiver when Kyle leans across the table toward you, voice low when he asks what kind of camera 'the suit' bought you.

You panic in your response a bit, all higher end models you've had your eyes on for weeks fleeing your brain. Instead you tell them about the cheap thing you'd received in the mail and John scoffs.

"Got you something much better," he promises, pulling his phone from one of his many pockets and flicking through it. When he turns it toward you, an email confirmation tells him his package has been delivered, the details of the order showing the next model up from the very one he'd thrown in the brook. The description of the lens is cut off at the bottom, but you've no doubt you'll be happy enough when you see the pricing details. "You'll forgive the delay, of course. Man's gotta do some research, after all."

You'd even forgive the wellies continuing to go unreplaced, though in your excitement you forget to express that. "Of course. Of course! Thank you so much, John!" You're still gushing gratitudes when you slip out of the booth, turning to excuse yourself so quickly you even forget to snatch your hat back.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To go get -?" You stall, taking in their confused - even slightly miffed - expressions. "Look, if that package sits on my stoop too long, my neighbors will -."

Kyle laughs, crooks his finger at you. It's embarrassing how quickly you oblige, slipping right back into your seat just because his eyes are too warm and inviting to disappoint. 

John's voice is much closer than you remember it being before you'd stood, the low rumble in his chest a physical thing you feel against your shoulder when he leans close. "No need to worry, petal. It's back at mine. Safe as houses."

"Didn't have your address," Kyle winks. 

It's weird, the way you can laugh at jokes about being followed. You decide not to think about it too much. "Sounds more like an elaborate plot to get me back at yours."

"Well, we're unused to not getting our mark," John confesses, "had to have another shot at it."

Kyle's cheeky when he responds, his boyish grin enough to have you settling against John before you even know what you're about. "For the record, I never did take a shot the first time."

[yallemagne]

Having to pause every five seconds in this episode to scream at VH for being such an old bitch.

First up the newspaper: You're telling me none of these kids are capable of pronouncing the word "Beautiful", really? Were newspapers really like this in Victorian England? Just constantly misspelling something as a bit to make fun of people's pronunciations? That's obnoxious. Also damn the writer of this article fucking hates kids, damn.

Our correspondent naïvely says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby-faced little children pretend—and even imagine themselves—to be.

calm the fuck down, they're playing pretend. how are you seriously gonna get pissy with children roleplaying as a "Beautiful Lady".

Mina worries VH will blame her for Lucy's death and I screamed SHUT UP MINA. Oh my god Mina literally what. No, you are not even at partial fault for what happened to your ADULT FRIEND while you were away with your HUSBAND. Read my post on the matter, Mina. I swear.

VH: "Hey, can you tell me what happened in Whitby?"

Mina: "Of course."

VH: "Are you sure? Women are too stupid to remember important details."

What the fuck is wrong with you sir. What the fuck. What the fuck is wrong with you. God, he's so fucking annoying. Oh my goooood. You came to her to ask questions, you are not allowed to follow up your plea for answers with "but I don't expect you to know anything since you're a ditzy woman."

And instead of ripping him a new one, Mina tells him she has a journal. But he already knows about the journal. He knows that Mina was writing everything down the same way he knows Lucy started a diary to imitate Mina. So, it's even more than "Your puny woman brain can't possibly hold that much information" it's that AND "I know you keep a journal, but women only write silly women things in their journals, nothing worth reading"

rrrrgrrrr i'm fucking strangling him to DEATH bro

Mina gets to prank him a bit, but the message doesn't stick. Giving him her shorthand diary is a "don't fuck with me" that he greets with "haha can you read to me like a woman does?"

And the entire time, when he isn't insulting her for being a woman, he's trying to flatter her because he thinks she's a vain child. He did the same with Lucy. Mina tells him off passively "you don't know me" and he insists that he's studied the behaviour of men and women, so he does know her, and any drop-of-the-hat judgement he makes of her is fuckin God's word.

ugh there's just too much to say. Van Helsing's benevolent sexism is practically more offensive to read than malicious sexism. At least malicious sexists can admit they're bags of dicks.

[spicyraeman]

This week's batch of drawings will make you coo gentlepeople! Traumatised murder Bébé Lae'zel and happy Bébé Xan will make you melt like butter in a warm croissant! You never cared for kids? Now you do!

As a french speaker, the charisma check of a froggy frog Lae'zel would probably fail tbh. But it makes me laugh to imagine her accent being 100% harsher and the words mispronounced. They really missed a comical opportunity.

"What do you mean, wizard? Why can't I say 'I want to hit the beach' in front of the hatchlings? I had my hopes to see some phoques there. WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING SHADO-ART! We need to foc-us!"

Buuuuuut in french to say "my love / 🐸 my joy 🐸" you can say "mon cœur" which means "my heart". ( Coincidence? I think not!) I can almost imagine a scene where it's softly choked in a bloody pointy ear at camp after a scary fight. Almost. So just for that I can admit it can be cute. (Want more french lessons? Scream weewoo 🚑 at 3am and I'll appear on your bed, sleep-deprived with a complotist white board ! Special discount for fanfic writers and artists)

I saw briefly the translated version of the game, it's... an experience. They translated SH literally, it really brought out the cringe I probably should've felt in English but didn't. It's wayyy to close to "Shadowcunt" too, but we have Shart here so I can't really speak up. Poor girl is taking punches in every languages 😂

Also I love how everytime I send you something stuck in my brain, you come up with the most reasonable and obvious answers. Why do I forget these characters don't live in a bubble but in a society? Ofc there are gonna be pointy ears headphones 😂🤦‍♀️ All week I imagined some designs for those, then jewelries, then piercings, then I reaaally need to stop this brain. Qquipart is right too, Karlach is def a speaker user!

I live to give you cute drawing ideas. Doing the devil's work I'm sure, adding to the everlasting pile 😈

And take all the time you need to answer, obv. I'm sending a weekly rambling letter to a friend and finding an answer randomly in my mailbox ; waiting is part of the fun.

🫀🚑

Yes! I had kids on the brain at the time! It's not something that happens often, but i couldn't resist baby Xan or Lil'zel

I find French accents incredibly endearing, not particularly attracted to them, but theres something about them i just love. An obscenely french Lae’zel would make me lose my shit, and honestly, it would fit her. I've always had the hc that lae'zels accent is waaayyy more prominent than in game and that she mispronounces words more frequently. I mean, shes probably never had to speak common to anyone before the nautiloid, how would she know how some words are pronounced?

Also bestie ya cant just drop an atomic bomb on me like that, thats too fuckin cute bro my heart 😭

As for reasonable and obvious answers, they're like that cuz ive got terminal worldbuilder disease, and as soon as you sent that ask, i took a whole day just researching headphones and IEMs. I really should draw up some designs for them 🤔 and yeaaa karlach is def bumping the speakers at full volume

It truly is an everlasting pile, i should probably actually start writing them down lmaooo

Trust me, im taking my time lol my brain works at a snails pace, but seeing an ask from you makes my week so ty <3

[complete-idiot-in-love]

Once Upon a Witchlight: Episode 43 (SPOILERS)

This episode is so good because of the mushroom people curse, I've included some lines my S/I would say and the songs they're riffing off

ANDY AND DEREK SWITCHED SPOTS, I DON’T LIKE IT AHHHHHHH

MUSICAL EPISODE??? MY S/I WOULD BE SO HAPPY

Frost singing rainbow connections YESS, I LOVE THAT SONG

I love it when Andy does his lil dancy dances, he is so gender

Shroombek is a moldy mushroom lmao /j

Imagine my S/I's mush-sona, mushroom with horns lookin ass

Michael Jackson Gideon!!

I love all of Derek's references, bro is so good at comedy

Death metal Gricko is so FUNNY!!

I swear to god if Twig is dead again bc of mushroom shit I will scream

TWIG NOOOOOO, WAKE UP!!!

I love this episode already because of singsong Torbek and Death metal Gricko

Torbek and my S/I would definitely be duo dancing, besties who binge musical theatres are besties forever (more like I force him to watch them w me >:3c )

Gideon is so sad because of his rhythm being stolen, F’s in chat for my fire dad

"Just dance! It'll be okay, gid a do do. Let's dance! And kill that hag fam do do do do!" - My S/I (Just dance)

Bard era in this episode fr fr

"So tell me do ya wanna go, kill a fuckin hag tonight? Run away after we fight? Impossible maybe to you, it's what we gotta do whoa! This is the greatest curse!!" - My S/I (Greatest Showman)

Torbek talking naughty as usual with his "hairy mushroom"

Are we lost in the forest lmao

CANON TORBEK HEIGHT? HE'S 7FT?? (If Andy has mentioned this before, I'm fuckin stupid /j)

Gricko trying to day-o (The banana/beetlejuice song) the bird and therefore getting disadvantage on his roll is so FUNNY TO ME, LIKE HE WOULD USUALLY BE SO GOOD AT ANIMAL STUFF BUT WITH THIS MUSICAL CURSE HE SUCKS ASS!!!

PLUS 8??? GRICKO IS OP AS HELL WHEN IT COMES TO ANIMAL SHIT (makes sense tho cause of the whole “druid w an owlbear daughter thing”)

“Torbek! Is a big hairy mushroom!” is gonna be my new stim phrase I swear to the gods

In my mind, their mushroom colors are: Torbek = Pink, Gricko = Blue, Frost = Green, Kremy = Purple and Gideon = Red (I'd be yellow because my two fav colors are already taken)

“This is little green to purple bird” YES, I LOVE THAT NICKNAME FOR GRICKO AND I LOVE THAT IT KEEPS COMING BACK!!

“Help! We are stuck as shrooms, I don't wan’t to sing to death!” - My S/I (Stop! in the name of love)

Oh no, pixies! Please Gideon, don’t fuck them!

“Bumpin noses” sounds very suggestive coming from the bird

“I've got candles and rations galore, you want makeup? I've got plenty!” - My S/I (Part of your world)

Is she a phoenix now? Because that's cool af Nikkie

“Roll Athletics or Acrobatics” HAHA JOKES ON YOU I'M PROFICIENT IN BOTH!!

“They'll bust in your mouth, watch out” HAHAHA YEAH AND SO DOES FROSTY!!!

BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM “ARE YA READY??” ARE YA.. REAAAADY??” I love my alligator dad so much

Torbek and Gideon are pixie attracting CHADS

Mikey's commitment to still trying to say deez nuts jokes is so good, like Gricko would definitely forget about the fey pact and try to do it

“PULLON DEEZ NUTS!!” *Gricko and My S/I high five*

Kremy being really good at makeup is CANON IN MY HEART. WE GIVE EACH OTHER TIPS ON FOUNDATION AND EYELINER AND SHIT (We both have disguise kits)

Torbek reminiscing about Reada Flaugh and Gricko reminiscing about Busty

YOOO, ARE THE WITCHLIGHT PIXIES FAKE???

Torbek is a teenage boy with his horniness and libido /j (I still love my bestie tho)

THE BEEZLEBERRIES MAKE A CAMEO YESSSS

GODS DAMN IT KREMY, DON'T HURT TORBEK FOR MORE “WITCHES BREW”

Frost and Kremy talking about meta stuff in their voices just makes me think of an “Actors Au” where this is all a movie that they’re acting for and ITS SO FUNNY TO ME

Torbek, dear. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU “Squeeze out some Torbek juice.”

Torbek’s one hard no is house piss kinks?? Bro is wild fr fr

Torbek and Andy are so deranged, I love the gremlin activities

YOOOOOOO NAT 20 FOR TORBEK!!!!!

Torbek eats a cigar and my S/I has to find the fey equivalent to bleach for their eyes after watching him “Milk” himself

Alligator husband offers to make fire husband uwu death whey protein powder, very cute

CARLFISH RETURN YESSS (also carlatafish omg!)

Pixies love my fire dad (-_-)

Kremy and Gideon are a poly couple where Gideon gets all the babes and then Kremy swindles them out of their money /j

Disgruntled wife Kremy is so damn funny

Divorce arc for my dads /j

Gideons home depot asshole XD

Family dinner of Carlfish :)

Uh ho, Frosty teleported us in his sleep /j

[oxooxxoooxxx]

like when u zoom out and actually take a look at the bigger picture rofl . the fact that i wasn’t even talking to this man at all really recently . and he messages me saying he’s watching me even after i had changed my camera password . im thinking im just alone in my house w my friend . im like no you’re not . there’s absolutely no way that’s possible . then he literally repeats to me in a message something i said out loud . literally watches me do hard drugs and fuck a random drug dealer in my bed . i feel sick thinking about it . i feel like i got raped . or let myself get raped . i let someone rape me for him so he could watch . he said "its my favorite thing youve ever done for me." he said "you have no idea the level of obsession youve unlocked from me." like i can’t even talk about how bad it was coming off of it . i was sobbing in the fetal position in the bathtub for 20 hours straight . whispering it’s ok to myself . im literally audibly and visually hallucinating for like three days afterwards . and so much stuff i still don’t know if it was real . i heard my cameras in the living room and the kitchen clicking on and off over and over for like 10 minutes straight while i was sitting at my desk. but then i thought later maybe it was just the fucking crackling noise on some rain and fireplace sound i had on the tv . i hallucinated for days straight that the discord icon for someone offline was subtly changing . rotating through variants of slightly different gray dots on an icon . that would subtly change when someone was actually off the app vs just invisible with discord open . which would subtly change to a different one when someone came back actually online . which seemed like it actually was kind of accurate because when it would “change” you’d usually start typing soon after . so this person takes this opportunity to like rekindle talking to me a lot bc im absolutely having a psychotic break and he stays with me to “take care of me” . but during that time also starts telling me ab all his problems w his real life girlfriend . like i don’t want to hear this fuckin shit . like get male friends u fucking disgustingly filthy jersey trash bisexual gutter whore . then on like the third day after when my brain is like 1% more stable just circles back and tells me he’s logged into all of my shit. he tells me he’s only doing it because he loves me too much . so that even when i try to leave him i can’t . so he can still see me . so he can still see inside of me . then he’s referencing things in my texts . like in my imessage . making little fucking references . i know he is . it doesn’t matter how crazy it sounds . that’s what these kind of ppl do to u . they make u sound crazy . they make u feel crazy . then once im more sober just goes back to his cycle of fucking his gf every weekend and only talking to me during the week . and leaving half the weeknights anyway . like it’s so far beyond gone bro . what power do i even have . to delete someone off discord. while they can still see everything . it’s fucking insane . it’s violating . i wanted him to fucking love me normally . not love bomb me and then gradually pull away while doing whatever the fuck he wants and compulsive lying about it but trying to manipulate me to still get whatever the fuck he wants out of me . why couldn’t i just have what i want just ONE time ? why would someone do this to someone ? i cant physically imagine what the fuck i could’ve ever done to attract that level of psychopathy other than literally being raised and horrifically abused by two psychotics . it’s just sick . and there’s no way out . because that’s what i attract . and worse, that’s what im atttacted to . that’s how i knew he loved me . that’s the ONLY way i knew . that level of devotion , obsession , addiction . i never wanted the pain . he pretended i wanted him to put me in pain . i wanted him to LOVE ME . i wanted you to fucking love me . and this is what you did . i just can’t take any more pain .

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas

Candy, page 19

JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is going to be

JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???

DAVE: i dunno

DAVE: i still havent come to terms with the fact that johns gonna be a dad

JADE: you dont think hell be a good one?

DAVE: i didnt say that but ok since you asked

DAVE: i mean think about it if you were gonna rank us in order of maturity based on all the years weve known each other

DAVE: about where would you put john

KARKAT: BELOW ME BUT ABOVE YOU.

DAVE: yeah exactly

DAVE: now hes all married and pregnant and hes got a mustache

KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FUCKING MUSTACHE.

JADE: why not he looks so good!!

DAVE: yeah he looks disturbingly good

DAVE: i almost cant talk to him anymore it looks so good

JADE: ohhhhh?

DAVE: jesus jade dont fuckin read into it

DAVE: a bro can appreciate how attractive his bro has become and maybe get a little breathless at the sight of his chiseled jawline and manly facial hair without being gay about it

DAVE: ive just been thinking lately everytime i see him that hes

DAVE: ok dont make fun of me for saying this but its like

DAVE: johns a Man

DAVE: not a lowercase m man but a fully grown up legit fuckin Dude with a leather briefcase and a suit that he only wears on special occasions

KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKED UP.

DAVE: i know right

JADE: hmmmm...

JADE: well...

JADE: ive actually been thinking lately about how since rose and kanaya had a kid and jane and jake had a kid and john and roxy are gonna have a kid.......

JADE: what would you think if maybe...

JADE: ....we had kids???

KARKAT: WHAT

KARKAT: WHO? YOU AND DAVE?

JADE: no stupid all three of us!

DAVE: uhhh

JADE: what??

DAVE: uhhhhhhh

JADE: look i know there are “issues” to sort out in terms of um....... feasibility

JADE: but i think there are a lot of options to consider!

JADE: maybe someone can help us out

JADE: like.... someone we know?

JADE: or i dont know! what about adoption!

JADE: that could be cute! adopting a little grub!! aww...

JADE: or a human! whatever! im not picky

DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

KARKAT: UHHHHHH IS FUCKING RIGHT.

KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.

KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS ORGANS.

KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE? WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD IN RIGHT NOW.

DAVE: jokes on them ive never seen you tear into anything more complicated than a microwave dinner

KARKAT: I KNOW, RIGHT?

DAVE: i mean on the other hand if we adopt a kid young enough it would totally fit in the microwave

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. I’M NOT GONNA EAT OUR THEORETICAL BABY.

DAVE: yeah dude i know

DAVE: youre probably like closet dad of the fuckin year

DAVE: just waiting for his moment to shine

DAVE: i bet youd whine and complain about getting a kid til we actually brought junior home

DAVE: the moment you saw his chubby lil cheeks your face would light right up

JADE: oh... i can imagine the look on karkats face right now

JADE: heheh

DAVE: yeah you know exactly the one

DAVE: like how he looks when his hot pocket finishes cooking in the microwave

DAVE: which he understands is an instrument of food preparation

DAVE: and not some sort of grim infant warming device

KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT BACK TO THE MICROWAVE?

DAVE: oh

DAVE: cause i had more jokes to make about the subject

KARKAT: OF COURSE. GOD FORBID JADE AND I ARE NOT FORCED TO LISTEN TO EVERY LETTER OF YOUR MORBID INTERNAL DIALOGUE.

DAVE: whatever you love it

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: on the baby in the microwave front

KARKAT: GOD

DAVE: id be more worried about me being the one whod do the deed so to speak

DAVE: i mean its not like ive got a great demonstrative background in child rearing or anything

DAVE: considering all the places i got left as a kid i wouldnt be surprised if id just put our baby in the toaster by accident or something

DAVE: like if you tally up the amount of hours i spent locked in the fridge compared to the amount of hours i spent in the american school system learning how to be normal and do polynomials

DAVE: just sayin it looks dire

JADE: .....

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: yeah so anyway im gonna stick to hot pockets i think

JADE: dave

JADE: you really think youd make that bad a father?

JADE: even with me and karkat helping you?

DAVE: eh dont take this personally but im an evidence based hypothesis kinda guy and so far three way relationships in our friend group attempting parenthood...

DAVE: the record aint so lookin so good

DAVE: just saying

DAVE: a clown a fascist and a male sex icon walk into a bar sounds like the start of a bad but funny joke

DAVE: but when its the start of a family thats when it gets a bit less funny to me

DAVE: poor little dude gonna be fucked up

JADE: oh come on dave

JADE: tavros is a cute kid!

KARKAT: SURE, HE IS *NOW*.

DAVE: the moment cognitive function starts firing off in that kids head hes gonna be scarred for life

JADE: we dont KNOW that

DAVE: jade i know jakes like your bestie

DAVE: and also your grandfather

DAVE: and also kinda your grandson

DAVE: oh also your fucking dad i guess

DAVE: but his relationship is bad

JADE: hey... thats...

JADE: not NECESSARILY true...

KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.

KARKAT: DAVE’S JUST BEING GENTLE HERE TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MERELY “BAD”

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

JADE: ...its not like i dont know that

JADE: john never shuts up about it

JADE: i mean, he and jane used to be close back when we all first met but last time i talked to john he....

JADE: well, he accused her of “raping” jake

DAVE: oh shit

KARKAT: YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

JADE: its not like i dont worry about jake but come on!

JADE: were all adults

JADE: what am i supposed to do? show up at his window dressed like the blue fairy and whisk him away from his terrible life??

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

JADE: its...

JADE: ME???

DAVE: holy shit

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: good question

DAVE: idk but we should probably get her some help

KARKAT: HELP? FOR WHAT??

KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE HER INTERNAL ORGANS ARE OBLITERATED. SHE’S COVERED IN MORE BLOOD THAN I THOUGHT HUMANS EVEN HAD INSIDE THEM.

DAVE: well we cant just leave her in this fuckin hole man

DAVE: come on gimme a hand

KARKAT: JADE?

KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??

KARKAT: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS

DAVE: hey jade you hear us

DAVE: jade???

JADE: yes dave i heard you

JADE: i need to talk to jane

[notmuchtoconceal]

damn, bro.

i've been to exactly three parties in the last three months (a fairly optimal ratio, considering how few people talk at them) and at each one, a different straight guy got gay for me all by himself.

like, dude.

i'm just fuckin standin there, being friendly and receptive and open and maintaining frame, and like ... they just find themselves drawn to me and able to effortlessly pass all their tests and just feel themselves getting weaker for me the more i listen and the more they reveal their truth, for on some level -- they detect sanctity as well as sensuality and are drawn to me to confess, and like --

starting to think a main reason i could never be catholic is anonymous confessions to a church official has to be the most unerotic situation imaginable, oh my god. bro, there is just something so sexy about confession, i just can't put my finger on it.

the vulnerability. the need. the passion.

when you go into a photobooth to play pretend with your priest, while rattling off a litany of minor sins to keep up appearances, or worse -- being driven in for you have nowhere to go.

bam -- trap shut.

yeah, but anyway, i'm not even flirting with them. i'm not flirting with em, unless my openness and attraction constitutes a baseline receptivity they regard as flirting, but i don't. people are so fuckin weird about friendliness sometimes. bro, it's like they secretly hate affection more than they hate being judged, for they crave being judged -- needing to reaffirm their unworthiness, but simultaneously dreading the exposure.

some people, you try to build em up, or just interact with em with natural affection, they start to think you're their plaything and if their first instinct's to test for how much bullshit you're willing to take, don't give em any reason to be surprised for when the inevitable happens.

some people though, bro. some people really just need a sympathetic ear and someone who isn't appalled by what they got goin on inside.

case in point. back in october, an aggro, vaguely racist polish dude with blood all over his face (my favorite) kept getting way up in mine and it was the most delightful thing, the smile on his lips and in his eyes when i refused to be intimidated, chose to reveal to him his mirth.

i can't even remember how things started.

i've known this guy since high school. the dude i shared my locker with freshman year was also there. we've talked maybe once before this -- i think the year or two previous where my murderous detachment energy was through the roof and my sheer emotional unavailability turned all straight boys into wet, eager sons. oh my god. sometimes all i need to do is walk around in public as a giant callous and people will wanna rub their palms all over me. thank you, dumb jock hypno. thank you for making me lose the totally worthless intellectual considerations of brokenhearted fools who've deliberately given themselves to the shackles of an ideology for want of belonging. when joe rogan boys recognize me as their new daddy, that is an opportunity to give god's most perfect abortions some beautiful and much needed restructuring.

anyway, he brings up how long we've known each other and barely talked, and i agree. i usually show up at my friend's parties with one or both of my brothers, but i got here late and they left early, so i'm alone and we both notice the place is simp city, but also -- he's deffo down to be DL and don't wanna take the place over, but I'm not sure yet if I wanna manipulate myself into a front-facing or behind-the-scenes position in this elaborate and ultimately deterministic farce of a bunch of people who mostly know one person all in the same room with sugar and alcohol.

it's brainpower, mostly. do i have the energy to manipulate these simple animals and the simple needs which will be revealed to me, for all our intellects and souls are mutually oppressed by fear, and only by the light of truth may we mutually strive to become?

not right now, i decided.

i kinda just wanted to observe. i hadn't been out in awhile. i'd been insane. i sorta just wanted to hang out. have a drink, enjoy the atmosphere.

he then alludes to the obvious and unspoken nature of our mutual supremacy, and i've heard this from like five or six other people now, so i wonder if he's talkin about us both bein starseeds or some shit or if he's talkin about us bein whi-- oh, wait yeah. deffo that second thing, bro.

being insane, i now wonder when i stare in prolonged, barely-obvious-to-me-confusion (is it because i'm so naturally daddy, the PTSD or the dumb hypno? i have no fucking idea what signals you think i'm sending sometimes cause the nature of how you're intimidated by me scrambles my brain which is why I crave a safe, infinitely-compassionate Buddhist monk with a tight, wet, soft mouth who'll horse pet me til I'm sane again, but it's cool. I may be unsane, but I ain't undead. Life is beautiful, and scars reveal experience, the way all wounds inevitably compose a tight cunt you want my dick in) i sometimes wonder how much of my interior monologue is being telepathically transmitted to my non-recipient, how much of the dialogue is truly decipherable from my face, and how much is that other person's immediate retreat into their own experiences?

anyway, i think superior people are self-made. people who are truly superior seldom see themselves as superior, unless it's like -- a massive spike from the surrounding area. superiority comes from asserting and maintaining values derived from lived experiences, not arbitrary complexes. DNA is relevant, and we live in a time where its very nature is distorted not only by our fears of eugenics, but bad science reportage which stupidly oversimplifies the nature of genetics. he then says something to the effect of we must have an understanding even if we don't subscribe to the same ideology, and it's like...

everybody who posits an ideology to me is seldom willing to ask follow-up questions and seem to already think they already have me figured out, so that's interesting. i feel with most insecure minds, they can't handle the barrage of ambiguity, so they force themselves to adopt loser thinking because they need a stern and workable hypothesis before they not only act, but interact. it's like they don't know how to play it loose, or scout or find it uncomfortable to be in a recipient position, so every engagement becomes a plan of attack which is exhausting cause now it can always fail instead of simply reveal. i'm never sure what people think my ideology is. i've been accused of being a rugged individualist and a fascist and a degenerate and i do feel all three are an attempt to characterize my belief in personal autonomy, self-defense and my tendency to follow my own inclinations as somehow a bad thing.

this is followed-up (it could have also come before) with the confession that he has recurrent thoughts about committing violence against a certain group of people a shade or two darker. i don't immediately condemn him, because i know thoughts are thoughts. the important thing is that he's not acting on them. the important thing is that he's repulsed and horrified by these thoughts and has come to you begging to be judged. really, unless a person was born with their head screwed on wrong, it takes a significant amount of repeated abuse and neglect (or else prolonged alienation via hierarchical thinking) to drive someone to commit violence against others, for even if violence is fun -- most i feel would prefer to express it in constructive and beneficial ways.

It's after this that he shows me a picture of his black girlfriend (who I then remember I've also already met before) and it's like... yeah, man.

Sometimes being in a mixed-raced relationship is wacky. Your body is being pummeled daily with televised fear and division signals and every time you want to express your love for your woman, you have to self-consciously cross that racial boundary and reflect on all manner of mutual hidden motivations -- secret and accumulated tensions between friends and family, secret fears of never belonging or always being an outsider. The complexes you're mutually playing out, together and in isolation, for no matter how real your love may be, there might simply be things you're too ashamed to admit, even to each other. The ugly, nagging, unavoidable truth that though we're all affected by it, we're all complicit in it, too -- in countless more jagged and fragmentary ways to imagine, being the products of conlonizers and conolonized peoples living on stolen land itslf stained by numerous genocides. The true degree to which our way of life is illusory and our nation haunted.

Shit's rough, bro.

we then get take more shots, play jenga.

i cut loose and dance and eyes are on us and he's like, naw bro.

that's too much.

then i think he's leaving and talk to some other dude.

then he's still there and we're not-quite making googly-eyes.

then -- completely of his own volition -- he tells me that he's not gay and his girlfriend wouldn't like this.

yes. his girlfriend.

his girlfriend wouldn't want this to happen.

i understand. i never once used the word gay, bro.

actually, earlier he had looked me dead in the eyes and said "I'm straight" to which I immediately and unselfconsciously replied "So am I."

I absolutely meant it. The secret to flirting with straight men is just to become one. You don't even have to try. Then go after you. It's amazing. The second they realize you're as much of a man, they turn into chicks and boys, sometimes at the same time. It's like a fuckin switch, dude.

I admit it. I have extreme situational charisma.

There are people who are drawn to me, and people who are repulsed by me. Most of the time, I just feel I radiate an intensity which makes others default to trying to ignore me cause they don't wanna get too close, cause all my good moods tend to be the product of single-minded focus and everyone I attract without realizing it tends to be a moth or a vampire who is solely approaching to feed on the light of my flame.

I spent years not knowing how to initiate, only to instigate.

I get it.

Oh, my god. It's actually the same fucking thing as when I decided to become a gay man, women were immediately drawn to me. Fuckin magnets, bro. My icy indifference made them so hot, they wanted to press up against my pale marbled body and make snow angels.

Situational bisexuality is simple enough for most people to grasp. If men are in the forest or in prison, a hole's a hole. We all have needs.

People tend not to understand asexuality at all, some poor fools lacking in either minds or souls even going so far as to claim that sexual reproduction is the ultimate motivation for all life on earth.

Now that I'm starting to grasp all the ways my sexuality is truly fluid, it's clear consciously what I've always suspected and felt -- asexuality is just another mode, another configuration among many. Sometimes in my life, I just don't have any sexual desire for a few weeks or months at a time. I never consciously decide to do it, but somehow, somewhere down the chain of command, my dick just knows how to go into maintenance mode and my system shifts into a new equilibrium. It's not conscious, but in some part of my mind, I'm deciding -- no sex. Sex is not a priority. We're cutting off sex and reconstituting the flow of that energy.

Essentialized states of sexuality only make sense to me as some kind of pledge. You know. A marriage to a woman. A vow of chastity. Signing the fag contract and taking your collar like the good bitch that you are.

This is the wisdom of not needing to disclose or even discuss your sexuality until it's relevant, and it induces the paradox of public difference, where one needs to feel they will not cause offense to ask questions, and yet -- here we face the additional paradox of how much is one entitled to appear publicly visible without needing to perform? Obviously, it shouldn't be outrageous for a man to be partnered to a man. If a person is distraught by witnessing a female mind or soul in a male body which has been surgically or hormonally altered (or just dresses differently) to reflect the way that mind or soul either feels it always was or has become ... yeah, no. You can de distressed by the appearance of a burn victim or an amputee and you would know that's your problem and you're being rude.

If we believe in mutual service, and service arises out of values, do we reveal our own presumptions when we move to serve others, and what do we do with an act of service (which constitutes a gift) we don't want, can't accept, or won't appreciate? How do you keep up the courage to believe in common decency and still ask questions knowing it's difficult to tell a bad actor from a traumatized person struggling to communicate their reality? How can you gage the worth of interaction against the pain of enduring it? How can you know how far to push when so many have so many different theories of what constitutes too much?

I dunno, man.

Hopefully some expert'll come along with a nice one-size fits all solution we can all follow along and then just not have to think about it.

I just wanna work and drink and watch TV.

Get my cock sucked.

Don't wanna have to fuckin talk to people.

[goremet-chef]

im too big of a coward to play normal on my own i cannottttt do it my role is vital and i cant play it alone!!! my role is resident paranoid and by god i play it well 😁😁 my friend is very. LOUD, they only use the fuckin chainsaw to cut down trees. EFFECTIVE YES, BUT LOUD!!!!! so i need to stand back and watch very very closely to see if anything comes for us. IM SCARED TO BE SNUCK UP ON AGAIN so now im just. my paranoia has tripled in that game and hey! i havent gotten snuck up on since! so id say its technically a win (ramble)

thats something thats different with sons of the forest, yesterday i was alone for like. an decent amount of time when we played and i didnt feel hardly scared at all. GRANTED, it wasnt mutant spawning time yet but even in the forest im scared day 1 to day 100 baby. no, it was relaxing even. SOTF is just. rgRGgrrg

because the forest is an older game its less? i mean sons of the forest is just better like better graphics, better ai, etc etc etc which is great, its a more fulfilling experience in a sense? the game is fucking gorgeous!! the cannibal ai is really interesting, the animals are better ETC like idk to me its just more tranquil and im relaxed more often then not

WITH THE FOREST THOUGH? existential dread all the way through. the beginning week is fairly easy, we usually have some kind of base by then ofc, but after that week passes? im not the man i used to be 💀 i get quieter because i need to listen for mutants, im CONSTANTLY looking around. ive learned that if i see one, i need to be super clear about it (unlike my bestie who literally just saw girl mutant behind me and booked it 😁) im a lot quieter about being startled in that game until something starts chasing me MAINLY so i dont accidentally scare my bestie cuz like.

the forest entire ATMOSPHERE is a little desolate, like i love this game, but god i feel. ITS LIKE YR JUST WAITING TILL SOMETHING GETS YOU IT FEELS REALLY AWFUL SKFJSF for me it honestly has similar vibes to squirrel stapler???? not good KSFJS

anyways no it kills me the amount of chest pain and shaky hands the forest has given me, youd think i just faced god bro

nope! good ol johnny boy and armsy pretty much exclusively? IDK WHY THAT IS.. virginia isnt very loud so i have a hard time hearing her but i tend to see her way before she gets close, and shes not super hard to fight for me? lure her to the water and have her charge into it 🙄 easy peasy. cowman a little harder, they are sporadic and they turn on a dime which is not good! theyre huge. but the charge into the water thing can work on them too. me and my friend need to kill one of those actually, we have all the other mutant heads on our wall except that one 😔

armsy cant really be lured like that? everything about armsy is just. my nightmare. huge, loud, fast. not cool!! we can kill them fairly easily but even still like. IM STILL SCARED EVEN IF I KNOW THERES BIGGER THREATS its so personal between us bro

also i heard if you use the???? rage thing the ANGER BALL you can attract like. a group of SIX MUTANTS, fuck all that noise. i want the peace ball actually thatd be so dope

overall its just. horrible to be honest, and specifically like I CANT HANDLE LIVING ANYWHERE ELSE THAN WHERE WE ALWAYS LIVE (which is where markiplier made his base in the more recent forest playthru 💀) cuz its fairly open?? AND EVEN WHEN ITS OPEN IM STILL SCARED

imagine the fear when we have to go deeper into the forest for any reason 😀

unimaginable, downright painful i know this game has taken years off my life at this point. ITS JSUT SO AWFUL MANN because now that the trees are thicker, you've taken one of my vital senses away which is sight! i am now afraid and have to rely on my ears alone! (cicerocore tbh)

its. SICKENNING I HATE IT SO MUCH RGRGAGR even though i know im strong and i fuck up those cannibals like no tomorrow, even the mutants we dont struggle that much with (besides maybe the blue variants) its still SCARYYY no i hate it. my friend always makes me go with her like okay time to loot cloth from the village cmon bestie lets go :]]

. okay. like I WANNA BE THERE WITH HER BUT no i do not, i just. theyre CARELESS my MC instincts kick in cuz theyre careless in minecraft to and im like. constantly jumping forward in dark caves to kill whatever is in front of us so it wont kill her and leave me alone KSJFS so its like that but worse! i need to listen for both our sakes its exhausting 💀💀 and most of the time there is some kind of mutant in the forest, like only ONCE WE WENT and there was no mutant at the village

ironically despite that run through being flawless, no cannibals no mutants, i was still completely petrified like there was, it was so. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS IN THE FOREST its just waiting for when something inevitably jumps out at you. but nothing did and ive never felt more uncomfortable in my lifee it was horrible. that one time was directly after we were dealing with girl mutant too, awful vibes the forest like

THATS THE EASIEST WAY TO SUM IT UP, the forest gives absolutely RANCID vibes truly terrible. sons of the forest is pretty and relaxing at times and just nice and the forest?? no its horrific its just terrible awful energy, i love it. this game is gonna kill me but i love it!!

[saturnsorbits]

I got a bit carried away... Sorry!

Bakugo's almost crushing his coffee cup by the time Kaminari eventually trips through the door of the cafe. He's late and dressed in those stupid, bright blue loafers he bought from his mothers last collection.

The sight of him alone almost makes Bakugo leave, but then he remembers how his hands had clammed up when you scanned his notebook at the check-out last week and he contents himself with scowling at the oncoming fashion nightmare.

'Hey, bro -.'

Whatever niceties Kaminari has prepared aren't even allowed to tumble from his tongue before Bakugo is shoving a - now cold - dry cappuccino towards him and mumbling about how he: 'Best not fucking tell anyone about this.'

Kaminari cocks his head, eyebrows furrowing over his drink as he sips at the foam. 'So...' He starts, 'What's up?'

Bakugo mumbles, again.

'What?'

'Fuck...' Embarrassment coils in his stomach. He's thought about asking literally anyone for advice before Kaminari, but desperate time call for desperate measures. He cringes as he admits: 'There's, there's this girl.'

With his eyes shining, it takes everything in Kaminari's body to stop him from blurting out the stream of exclamations rushing through his mind, but he manages: just. 'A girl?'

'She...' Bakugo coughs, but fails to dislodge the awkwardness in his voice. 'She works in the shop down the road, y'know the -.'

Kaminari grins. 'The one with black hair, right? Pretty eyes. Makes the uniform look great?'

The muscle in Bakugo's jaw jumps. He know's he shouldn't, but the idea of Kaminari's eyes roaming over your body makes his skin burn. He resists the urge to call him out and settles on a meek 'Yeah...' He can punch him when you're actually his, he reasons. It makes his fists un-clench.

'And what? You wanna ask her out?'

Bakugo nods, but it's stiff.

'Ahh.' Wiggling his eyebrows, Kaminari stretches out his arms and clasps them behind his head. He winks. 'And you thought you'd come to me for advice, huh? I mean... I don't blame you. We all know I have a way with the ladies...'

With a roll of his eyes, Bakugo pops Kaminari's bubble. 'You're just the one who puts themselves out there the most. You don't have a problem going over to people and shit, it's got fuck all to do with being a bastard ladies man.'

Pretending to act hurt, Kaminari covers his heart with a hand.

'I just, I don't know how to talk to her, y'know...' Bakugo fixes his eyes on his cup and tries not to stutter as the all-too familiar butterflies start to flap their wings in his stomach. It's a new sensation, one that torments him when he so much as thinks about you - which seems to be more and more often these days. He's hopeless, he knows. 'She's just. She's so fuckin' pretty and I - my brain just turns to fuckin', I can't...' Slumping forward, he rests his head in his arms on the table and grumbles into the black of his sleeves. 'I'm a fuckin' mess. I'm never a fuckin' mess.'

Kaminari coos. 'Bakugo's got a crush...'

'Shut up.' Swiping at him, Bakugo peaks over his arms. A crush seems like too weak of a word for the tumult of emotions swirling in his chest, but he supposes that is what anyone else would call it. Even if he's pretty sure he's wanted to marry you since he saw you screwing up your face in concentration while stacking a new set of books. He sighs. 'I just need you to fuckin' tell me what to do.'

A laugh bubbles up Kaminari's throat and then, he's shrugging. 'I don't know what to tell you man. You're rough around the edges, but you're attractive enough and you're actually not a terrible person. You can keep a conversation going... Just, talk to her: Be yourself.'

Bakugo blinks, unbelieving. 'Your advice is for me to be myself?'

Kaminari nods. 'Yeah... Ask her about her day, that kind of shit. If she's feeling it, she'll keep the conversation going. If not... Well, if not I know this great bar we can go drown our sorrows in.'

Swallowing, Bakugo licks at his lips. He imagines how you might act, if you'll blush and bite your lip, or giggle at him.

Fuck, he wants to make you smile.

Nodding, he's about to thank Kaminari for his advice, but Kaminari is already beating him to speak:

He clicks his fingers, a light bulb shining above his head as he levels Bakugo with an amused smirk. 'If that fails, you could always ask to borrow her pen.'

I love the thought of Bakugou having the fattest crush on you and being so desperate to talk to you that he actually takes advice from Denki and uses a cringe pick-up line on you that obviously doesn’t work and he gets so mad about it because he thinks he’s ruined his chances🥺😭

[treh-co]

Fiona, Trevor, and Matt modelling the new Achievement Hunter POP collection!

[purepop4nowpeople]

Thinking awful thoughts for no reason

[goatpaste]

bro everytime something with lucy happened i was venting to my groupchat and cursing out araki. what the FUCK dude.

ITS REALLY JUST HORRIBLE

lIKE I CANNOT even beGIN to imagine what fucking PLANET araki was on to write all that fucking shit hole FUCK man

HOW WAS THAT ALLOWED

like, lucy in theory was a very fun and silly cute character, who coulda played a good role! but araki chose violence and decided to make sure Lucy never knew a moments peace between either ALWAYS having grown men preying on her or being made to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders

LIKE it SUCks and its not even important to the plot. literally none of that was important

either!! make lucy an adult?? there was no reason she shoulda been 14 if you wanted to have everyone??? so attracted to her??? just! 25! 24! thats all im asking! would made mountain tim more bearable as a character, the shit with the presidents wife, ect ect

also! just!! TAKE THE RAPE SCENES OUT, THEY LITERALLY DO NOTHING FOR THE PLOT ITS JUST UNSAVORY AND ARAKI IN NO WAY OR FORM HAS THE ABILIT TO WRITE ANY NUANCE TO THAT DEGREE

and if you need to have lucy be 14 SOOO bad??

she didnt need to be married to steel. she just didnt, i dont care about whatever bullshit nonesensical loop hole araki built up for that, its WEIRD. the general concept is bullshit, and on top of it i dONT like seeing scenes were lucy and steel are touchy, or kissing or calling each other pet names. i dont care if its an act. their connection didnt need to be that way. and saying "their relationship was more like she was a mother to steel" WAS ALSO WEIRD. SHE IS 14 WHY IS SHE MOTHER THIS 50 YEAR OLD MAN. LIKE

i would WAY faster accepted a narrative of Steels like, assistant or company partner who helped him dream up this grand race was some starry eye big hearted goof ball of a 14 year old who supported him and they had a goofy grandpa and grandkid/coworker thing going on.

and mountain tim was liKE THAT SHIT SUCKED BECAUSE I REALLY LIKED MOUNTAIN TIM. but literally RIGHT before they kill him they pull that shit and its like?? DUDE?? WHATS YOUR PROBLEM

i woulda given ANYTHING for mountain tim to be like an older brother/father figure to lucy and johnny who cared about them and their safety and lack of positive family roles in their life....

THEN THE SHIT WITH THE PRESIDENTS WIFE IS LIKE EUGHGHH WHY!!! and the BULLSHIT they pulled their to force lucy into that role like

what i woulda GIVEN for like either a swap of HP and Lucy were HP seduces the presidents wife to get close to him and THAT coulda been a bit funny the presidents wife being into HP coulda been comedic. and HP woulda have 100% just killed valentines ass

OR even better, Lucy and HP taking that task on together, infiltrating's Valentines house together. HP and Lucy sibling moments.. HP connecting to Lucy and seeing her younger brother in Lucy and tying into her character...

THEN THE WHOLE THING WITH VALENTINE IS SO HORRENDOUS ITS JUST UPSETTING

Valentines character ranges from straight up horrible to just boring. Like he coulda been a fun crazy US president they kill. but hes just, gross and boring. Taking D4C away from him. doesn't deserve such a swag stand

THEN THE SHIT AT THE FUCKING STUPID ASS LAST CHAPTERS WITH ALT DIEGO

like i went from excited for even a semblance for extra diego content to really not fuckin caring. Alt Diego literally was just boring and i dont care about the world like i did Scary Monsters. and he carried none of base world diegos charm.. THE N THEY PULL ONE LAST NASTY SCENE BETWEEN HIM AND LUCY ON THE WAY OUT. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ARAKI MY FUCKING GOD MAN

[munchflix]

MONSTERFUCKER TIER LIST

Munch: I think we should start with the classics.

Biscuits: That's all you have to say for yourself? I will say that I suggested this as a joke - I will take the blame, but I didn't expect Munch to go along with it. But now we're in too deep. We can't back out. I guess we're doing this. Do you want to delineate your parameters?

M: Yes, but know that I will probably break them. Also, you started this. My brain just wouldn't let go of logistics. 1 - they must be an ADULT.  2 - they must either have multiple iterations or movies.  3 - they must be ICONIC. I think we should start with the obvious - fuckin' Dracula.

B: Well, obviously S Tier, but do we need to expound?

M: I mean, there's been a billion versions, but they're all pretty sexy.

B: Hell, you seen the Coppola movie? Dracula and Johnathan Harker? I'd fuck them both at once.

M: Alright, then, moving on. We'll just go straight for the Wolfman. Or werewolves in general.

B: Obviously also S Tier. I'm not a furry-

M: *laughs*

B: Werewolves are hot. You don't have to be a furry to want to fuck a sexy wolf-man. I will stand by this claim.

M: Ok. *wheezing*

B: Stop laughing!

M: I'm not gonna argue with you. Moving on. Frankenstein.

B: The monster or the man?

M: The monster!

B: Ok. I mean, in the novel, he was quite well-spoken and supposedly attractive. M: Hollywood turned him into the cut-up amalgam with zero braincells.

B: Ok, himbo.

M: Definitely worth a cuddle. I dunno...I'd put that in A Tier.

B: I'll agree. Next?

M: Phantom of the Opera. I mean, depending on the version...

B: You're gonna sit here and try to tell me that you've not wanted to fuck the Phantom of the Opera for the last 25 years?

M: Nope. I'm not. S Tier.

B: Alright. Agreed. Moving on.

M: The Mummy

B: Now this is where things get interesting. He has been dead for like...hella long. I worry about the logistics, 'cause he's like dust. I mean, I seen the Brendan Fraser movie, Imhotep was not bad lookin, before he became a CG dead guy.

M: But we have to assume that it's the dead dusty version.

B: Again, I just think logistically, there's gonna be problems. C Tier? I feel like we have space to go downhill from here.

M: Did you wanna do the Creature From The Black Lagoon?

B: Sure, Guillermo Del Toro proved that it's hip to fuck fish.

M: I don't have any response to that. I'd rather fuck the fish-man from the Shape of Water? But I'd rather not fuck either of them. I would C Tier that shit.

B: You're being generous, C Tiering the fish man. But that just proves that we have lower to descend.

M: Now we're gonna get into the more slasher-y guys. Ok... Michael Myers. He's...just a dude. He's obviously built different, but appearance wise, he's just a dude.

B: I'm just imagining his DBD stun sound. B Tier. I could accept A Tier.

M: Rob Zombie Michael might be A Tier, that dude's a unit.

B: Are we classifying them separately?

M: Nah, let's put him in A Tier. Now, Leatherface

B: Again, there's been a number of versions.

M: I don't wanna fuck any of them! Even if he is just a dude.

B: The only difference is his mask is made of human skin. I don't think it's that bad of an option. If you wanna talk UNITS, remember Gunnar Hansen, who played Leatherface in the original, was like 6'7". BEEG boy. He seems like he could be gentle, if you asked him.

M: *dissociating* The human skin is a factor here.

B: You brought this on yourself. You invoked this. B tier? Ok, I don't think he's that far beneath Michael. Really. But I'll accept B.

M: Uhh...Jason

B: This one is a bit spicier. Jason has been everything from a deformed man to a lube-covered zombie to an evil terminator from the future. On the plus side, an infinite supply of lube from his algae-covered zombie body.

M: And yet...a shocking number of people want to buff this dude.

B: This isn't about a shocking number of people - this is about you and me, bro. M: The fucked-up thing is I'm going to be like, "I wouldn't fuck Jason but I would fuck Godzilla."

B: So I'm a furry, and you're a scaly.

(Dib: And God is...so far away)

B: Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks? Anyways, the point is, how fuckable is Jason Voorhees?

M: I'm gonna put that in C Tier. He's a zombie for too many movies.

B: OK. Fair.

M: Um...Freddy? I mean...he's charming?

B: Does him being a child molester factor in here?

M: Yes.

B: Well, he was only really a child molester in the remake. In the original he was just a murderer. They didn't really take that angle.

M: The remake doesn't count. Child murder still pretty bad though.

B: I hate to break it to you, but there's gonna be a lot of murder here.

M: Also, he's all burnt. And gross.

B: Motherfucker looks like Pizza Hut cheese sticks. Also, the claw might get in the way. Avoid the swipes. C Tier? B Tier?

M: Yeah, C Tier... Pinhead.

B: S Tier.

M: Elaborate on that?

B: No.

M: I agree. Okay, umm...Ghostface?

B: Ghostface is different people in every movie.

M: For the purposes of this, it is just the first incarnations.

B: Ok...but they are both kinda greasy and I don't want to fuck either of them.

M: All love to Matthew Lilliard, but neither do I. So...

B: C Tier. I'd rather not. I like how I have ranked Leatherface above two normal men.

M: Well, we both ranked Pinhead above two normal men too, so... Next we're gonna do my boy Candyman, who is obviously S Tier.

B: OBJECTION - the bees. Yes, he's handsome and all that, but the bees.

M: Get an epi-pen.

B: I suppose I will accept S Tier. Tony Todd is hot and all, but I still have apprehensions about the bees.

M: Umm...Pennywise?

B: Uhh...

M: If you're really into foreheads.

B: I'd rather not. Maybe this will be bad news for my ass. I think...I won't. Sorry, clown fuckers, you can have him. That's the end of discussion.

M: Jigsaw.

B: Well, he's old - not that that's ever stopped me - but he is also kind of dying of cancer.

M: Not to mention he puts people into deathtraps. Can you imagine the after-sex conversation with that guy?

B: It'd be interesting. I think the whole 'literally dying' thing might cause some problems, so...

M: C Tier?

B: Yeah, I mean, over Pennywise, definitely. Next?

M: Amanda Young - one of the few female entries on this list.

B: I love Amanda, she's my favorite character in the SAW movies. A bit crazy, but I mean, I'm also not really sexually attracted to women. But you could do a lot worse.

M: Honestly, I think her unconditional devotion to Jigsaw is gonna be the biggest problem here. I mean, I'n not particularly attracted to Shawnee Smith (and I am attracted to women), but...A Tier?

B: Sure, we'll be nice.

M: On that note, let's do the other female one - Sil from Species. Who is kinda verging into the monster territory. She was mostly human though.

B: I mean, Pennywise was also a shape-shifting monster. But he's a clown and Sil just looks like a blond lady most of the time.

M: A naked blond lady.

B: Well, she is really horny. That's kind of her whole thing.

M: And yet - my desire to fuck her is so low. Plus, we couldn't reproduce, so I don't think she'd have any interest in me.

B: Where does that put our lovely lady?

M: B Tier I suppose. Next...Hannibal Lecter?

B: Are we talking the movies or the TV show?

M: I'm gonna say both - separate rankings. They're so different.

B: Well Mads Mikkelsen's Hannibal is obviously top tier. He's also obviously a top, but we haven't been factoring that in thus far. The whole point of the show was that you wanted to fuck him.

M: Uhh, *I* haven't been factoring that in. But I would still put Mads Hannibal in S Tier. Anthony Hopkins Hannibal? I'd rather not. He's kind of greasy and sleazy.

B: Eh...yeah.

M: Norman Bates.

B: S Tier.

M: ...More for you.

B: All love to Anthony Perkins, rest in peace, he was very cute. I mean the whole mom thing...

M: Two words: Mommy issues.

B: How is that worse than bees?!

M: The bees are metaphysical.

B: So are the mommy issues.

M: Okay...so where are you ranking this dude? This sad, pathetic little wet man?

B: Still S Tier.

M: Okay, the Tall Man is still in the humanoid-ish category, though technically he's an alien...I think?

B: You could glean anything from any of those movies? Anyways, the guy bleeds mustard, so god knows what kind of fluids would come out of him during intercourse. I don't really wanna think about it.

M: I'm gonna put that in bad for my ass tier. The jawas might be involved. Alright! Let's do the terminator.

B: Well, there's been a lot of terminators.

M: The first one was pretty fuckable though.

B: Also, an indestructable robot from the future.

M: That's not a deterrent.

B: Ok, fair. S Tier?

M: S Tier. Okay..let's just throw Chucky in there and get it over with.

B: Yeah, this is gonna be bad for my ass. The mere logistics make this already a non-starter.

M: We know he's capable of it.

B: Unfortunately. Those movies really got fuckin weird, didn't they? Voodoo magic I guess.

M: And the Bride of Chucky - what was her name? Tiffany Valentine.

B: Also bottom tier.

M: I've had a crush on Jennifer Tilly forever, but not as a doll.

B: We're not going any further into doll territory. We're ending the conversation here.

M: However, we are going much deeper into monster territory. We're gonna start with the predator. Ok, I have some things to say here. I fucking love the design of this monster. It is so fucking cool. The version from Prey made me very happy, but I have seen some things on my tumblr though after reblogging some gifs of it. THINGS. You know who you are. I will say, before the mask comes off, he's not bad!

B: Just kind of a buff dude with scales. He's got claws, that's fine.

M: The mask comes off and then it's a weird bug alien head that is never coming anywhere near me or my genitals.

B: Predator is obviously a butterface.

M: I can see why you all get excited, but like...how are we reconciling the horrifying bug parts? You all are just down for that?

B: I never said I was down for anything.

M: Also they're kinda hellbent on killing humans, but there was that one Chad Predator in Alien vs Predator with Lance Henriksen. I'd probably fuck that Predator.

B: You've been complaining about predator fuckers but now we can't put that dude that low on the list!

M: As long as he keeps his mask on.

B: Michael Myers and Jason are probably also keeping the masks on.

M: That is a factor though. I'd be more likely to fuck Jason if I couldn't see his face. B tier.

B: I think there's worse options on this list.

M: Xenomorph. Okay so...canonically....in Alien 4.....Ripley fucks a xenomorph. It's not even that graphic. I know there's a lot of people out there who are way into this, I'm not really down that bad.

B: There's some people who wish Alien Vs Predator had just been a porno.

M: Again...it's a fucking cool monster.

B: That sounds like monster fucker talk to me.

M: I can appreciate the design without wanting to fuck it. Also....acid blood....so god knows what's coming out the other parts. It seems just like an all around dangerous situation.

B: Also kind of bloodthirsty alien monster.

M: I'd put that in bad for my ass tier.

B: The xeno doesn't pass the Harkness test. A lot of these don't.

M: The Predator could but we're not talking about that now. That's a whole other tier ranking. Are you in agreement?

B: Yeah, bad for my ass tier.

M: Pyramid head. Is that one word or two? I don't know.

B: He is canonically dummy thicc. Double cheeked up.

M: I think this gets into logistics again though. How would you even manage it with that thing on his head?

B: He really is just a buff dude with a giant thing on his head though. Just lay him down. Can Pyramid head even lay down?

M: See...this is what I mean. Supposing that it's logistically possible, is he fuckable?

B: I think he might also not pass the Harkness test. Does he have an intellect?

M: Why is this suddenly a factor? We never considered that before. Of course, most of them were humanoid or human so....I guess consent is a factor. SO....assuming he's consenting, and assuming it's possible....would you fuck Pyramidhead?

B: Why are you asking ME? Why is this burden on me?

M: Okay fine. I'd probably fuck Pyramid head. B tier.

B: He is conceptually just a buff dude with a pyramid head.

M: Pumpkinhead. Again...fucking cool creature design...I'm not fucking that thing. It is legit terrifying.

B: Kinda gross, not gonna lie. Not really any redeeming qualities.

M: Bad for my ass tier and I feel bad for that because he's very cool but....Okay....The Creeper. We're gonna pretend like the dude who made these isn't the grossest person ever. It's not relevant.

B: That's not what we're dealing with in this particular instance.

M: He's pretty wild. He's got wings, he can regenerate body parts, he's only active once every 23 years or some shit so you'd have to hit that while you could.

B: Well Pennywise is only active like every 27 to 30 years so...

M: I think he's actually more fuckable than Pennywise, but...he also has the gross bug face thing. Also eats people. Lots of people eating going on here. Mostly just looks like a dude in his normal state.

B: Not like insanely fuckable but...C tier?

M: Yeah okay. What's next? We're getting into some really weird shit here. Slenderman. He's been in a couple of films and they were all bad. But he's iconic. Does he pass the Harkness test? Probably not.

B: He's kinda of an amorphous folkloric character. We all know he lives in a mansion in the woods with Jeff the Killer and Eyeless Jack and all those other dudes from your spooky spaghettis.

M: *laughs* Spooky spaghetti??

B: You've never heard that before? Would I fuck Slenderman though? Well, everybody's crazy about a sharp dressed man.

M: He does have those tentacle things.

B: Is that a plus or a minus?

M: For me a minus, but there's also the child murder. Also the static and weird silence during sex would be so strange. Hard pass.

B: I'd rather not.

M: Same. C tier. The Thing, from the movie The Thing. We're gonna have to get into some logistics here.

B: It CAN take a human form, but I think it procreates just by cell division. I don't know if it would even be interested.

M: Procreation is not a factor. Would you knowingly fuck it in human form?

B: No, it scares me.

M: It would probably just eat us. So...no. Bad for my ass. Going even deeper...The Blob. Would also probably just eat you.

B: It's not gonna be that bad for your ass though, it's basically just jelly.

M: It's gonna be bad for every part of you! It's acidic! It dissolves people! And asses!

B: I think it's still gonna be bad for your ass.

M: Nothing really fuckable here though. It doesn't even have a shape. Bottom tier.

B: Okay....Godzilla.

M: S tier. Would absolutely fuck. I would die....but I would die having fucked Godzilla.

B: Why are you into this? This is still gonna be really bad for your ass though.

M: It's a risk i'm willing to take.

B: People are gonna think you're joking and you're not.

M: I'm absolutely not. Are we divided on this?

B: I think we're pretty divided on this. Both tiers at once. We've got some miscellany here. A couple of random ones. Bruce, the shark from Jaws. Reminder, Munch made this list. Anyways, the logistics are just not good. First of all, you're gonna have to get under the shark. You're gonna have to be underwater, holding on for dear life.

M: You suggested the shark. I'm with you on this. Also I don't want to fuck a shark.

B: It's not ideal. Bad for my ass tier.

M: Okay we're gonna give Nosferatu/Count Orlock his own thang. He's a very different version of a vampire. He is not what most would call sexy, but to each their own.

B: He's more fuckable than a shark.

M: Absolutely. There was the Werner Herzog movie that was kind of absurdly horny.

B: He's just a weird looking guy with big teeth.

M: He's fine. I'd B tier that actually, comparatively.

B: The Babadook from the movie, The Babadook. Who, from what I understand, is just kind of a weird goth guy with a big mouth and very long fingers.

M: The illustrated version of him was far more frightening. He did only have the one movie, but he's iconic. Also an LBGTQ icon so....I'd probably hit that. Like Pyramidhead, he's just a manifestation of grief so...

B: Funeral sex!

M: B tier? You could do worse.

B: A tier, he deserves it. Are we gonna do The Nun or just leave it?

M: I think we just leave it. How do we top the Babadook?

B: This whole thing has been about how we're gonna top the Babadook!

M: I feel like this is saying a lot of things about us that probably shouldn't be out there on the internet, but then again, we saw someone make a horny post about Bill Barr. I've seen some things on my feed that make me feel so very normal. So very vanilla.

B: We've seen things that people should have probably thought about before they put them out on the internet, and I write fanfiction. You have to write it out and then hit post. You have time to think about what you're saying.

M: Also, this is a COMEDY SHOW.

B: It's funny. Abs hurt from laughing at own jokes.

M: We're fucking hysterical, and apparently down for fucking some monsters.

B: We're down pretty bad. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[lizzie-is-here]

ok i completely forgot to do this yesterday

but as many of you know, may 1-31 is aapi heritage month. and as a few of you know, i was adopted from china when i was a baby. for those of you who don’t know me:

hi, i’m lizzie. my chinese name is xiu hua lin (pronounced shiu hwah leen). my biological parents dumped me on a bridge without a clue to who they were, and i was adopted from chongqing before i turned one. i now live in a very conservative town in southern america. i know. ew.

and in the spirit of the month, i just wanted to share some stuff about my experiences in a very conservative town in a very conservative southern state in america.

my family is huge. my mom is the youngest of nine and my dad has six siblings. they all have kids, and most of those kids have kids. i’m practically related to every damn person in my school.

my town is very racist. and homophobic. and all the other forms of bigotry you could imagine. my own dad doesn’t believe in climate change and my aunt is racist towards her own children she chose to adopt.

being adopted means that i lost all cultural ties as soon as i got picked up. my very country/ignorant parents refused to even educate me or themselves on anything about my culture past the whole awkward adoption talk.

there’s a sort of identity crisis that happened to me when i was little. i kind of was realizing that i didn’t really agree with some of the stuff my family said and was working on figuring myself out. i still am.

but i’ve never felt really “american”. but “chinese” doesn’t seem like the right label either. i’m stuck in the middle of the “perpetual foreigner” stereotype and the mild disappointment from the chinese people at their restaurants every time i can’t speak mandarin back to them. it’s not anyone’s fault, but still.

when i was younger, i never really noticed racism at school. my school was catholic, so naive little me thought that that meant no bullying. but every now and then, i’ll look back and be like, “holy shit, that’s really fuckin’ racist”

every asian kid knows the whole “squinty eyes” and that one stupid rhyme, but i evidently wasn’t perceptive enough to realize that they were making fun of me.

when i was in first grade, my principal told me i had an “unfair advantage in the classroom” because i was asian.

i kind of noticed it more when i got called a “cat-eater” in fourth grade, and by the time a teacher told me that “we need the wall to keep out the foreigners” in middle school, i was well and truly done with the american school system. honestly just done with america in general lol

and when covid hit, i was scared to go back to school. if those people were bold enough to make those statements before, then what would they do now?

it wasn’t too bad going back, but the micro aggressions were enough to make me a bit snappier than usual.

and when the fox-eye trend came around, it just felt so unfair. these white girls were copying the same features they’d made fun of me for for literal years, and now it looks good on them? but on me it’s “chinky”??? the fuck?

when that one girl wore a cheongsam to prom with a slit way higher than any actual cheongsam, it was attractive. but if i’d worn one? bro i would’ve been hate crimed before i even got into the building.

i’m so done and tired of my culture (that i don’t even feel entitled to) being “done better” by the people that made fun of me for it. i’m tired of people who look like me being hypersexualized in media, and im tired of people complaining about “forced diversity” when the eternals and shang-chi came out.

literally it sounds so cliche but 19 years of bullshit from even my own friends and family is enough for me to snap.

anyway just wanted to rant for the beginning of aapi history month. and remember, asian american and pacific islander covers a lot of ethnicities, not just the ones you typically think about. use this time to stay up to date, appreciate asian creators and such, and stop aapi hate.

[ennoshawty]

HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

[atlabeth]

transferred part four - atla smau

TRANSFERRED - zuko x fem!reader

masterlist | part 3 | part 5

summary: trying to run from your past is hard, but falling for your brother’s roommate is even harder. little do you know that he’s falling for you as well.

warning: cursing

a/n: IM SORRY I KEEP SWITCHING POVS the one at the end is katara lmao

taglist:  @ourbestfriend-mishacollins , @lil-lex1 , @xxshad0wxb1rdxx , @zuko-is-the-sun​ 

You slipped your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and got out of your car, taking a few moments to stretch out your arms and legs after the long drive. It was a little weird to think that this was going to be your new home and university, especially after so long in Kyoshi, but you were honestly looking forward to the change. After the disastrous breakup you endured, it was time for a new chapter. 

Your eyes instinctively snapped over to where you heard a noise, and a huge grin broke out on your face. Two people were coming out of the complex, and they were none other than your two roommates. 

“Sokka, Aang!” You yelled as you ran towards them. You barreled into Sokka and wrapped him in the tightest hug you could muster, looping Aang into it as well for a few moments before you pulled away, smiling so wide your face hurt. 

“Aang, it’s so good to see you, and Sokka — Sokka, you’ve gotten so tall!” You mussed up his hair with your hand which he swatted away. 

“It’s good to see you too, Y/N, but it hasn’t even been that long! And I don’t know how many times I have to remind you that you’re only a year and a half older than me!” 

“Sokka, I haven’t seen you since I moved to Kyoshi for college. It’s been far too long.” You gestured with your head for them to follow you as you started walking over to your car. “And Aang, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you too! You better be treating Katara well.” 

The shorter boy smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head, faint red tinting his cheeks. “I like to think I am, we’re really happy together. She’s the best person that I know and the most beautiful girl ever and she always h-” 

“Okay, that’s enough! Seriously Y/N, you don’t have to whip out the interrogations right away.” Despite his complaints, Sokka gave you a genuine smile and you could tell he was just as happy to see you. 

“Whatever. I’m gonna need all the details on everything that’s been going on the past three years. The occasional facetime call has not been enough.” You went to the back of your car and opened your trunk where most of the boxes were, turning your head when you heard another car pulling up. 

“That’s Katara’s car!” Aang exclaimed. “That must be her and the other girls!” 

The car pulled in two spots away from you and as soon as it stopped, an auburn-haired girl jumped out of the driver's seat and streaked over towards you, wrapping you in an even tighter hug than you gave Sokka. 

“Suki!” She was practically suffocating you but you were so glad to see her that you didn’t even care. “I’m so glad you’re here!” 

“Like I would miss my best friend’s moving day?” The two of you pulled away and went through your increasingly elaborate handshake, ending in a hip bump that caused you both to dissolve into giggles. “You look amazing, Y/N. It feels like it’s been forever since we’ve been together.” 

“Well, we don’t have to worry about that anymore, because I’m here to stay! At least for the next four years.” You laughed and looked over to where your sister was helping Toph out of the car and gave her a wave. 

“As much fun as I’m having with all these greetings, we gotta start moving these fuckin’ boxes! At this rate, I’m gonna be sleeping outside.” You hugged Katara as well when she walked over, then you picked the first box up and motioned with your head for everyone else to get one as you started walking backwards towards the apartment. “Toph is the only one who’s exempt from this, everyone else gets a box and s-” 

You stopped in the middle of your sentence when someone bumped into you from behind, causing you to nearly drop your box. You were just as surprised when you felt hands on your waist, keeping you steady and helping you regain your balance. You turned your head and could immediately feel your cheeks heating up as you hastily moved away, laughing nervously and occupying yourself with the box in your hands. 

“Hey! Zuko! Nice to meet you! It is Zuko, right?” His golden eyes seemed to burn into you, but they were offset by his kind smile and the casual nod he gave you. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Sorry I’m so late, I was showering. I didn’t think you were gonna be here so soon.” He waved at Katara and Suki and they smiled back at him. 

He was even more attractive in person. His jet black hair, still a little wet from his shower, hanging just above his eyes was really doing it for you, and god, his eyes. They were intense, but more like a comforting campfire than a raging wildfire. You didn’t even realize you were staring until Sokka elbowed you. 

Your eyes widened slightly and you quickly averted them, adjusting your hold on the box and letting out another nervous laugh. “Now that we’re all here, how about these boxes, huh? I don’t have that much stuff because I’m broke, which is good for all of you.” 

You had gotten out of your flustered state by the time that everyone had a box in hand, save for Toph, and conversation flowed much easier while you and the rest of the group walked into the complex. 

“How was your drive, Y/N?” Zuko asked, holding the door open with his back as you all filed inside.

You shook your head and scoffed as you hit the button to call the elevator. “As boring as you can imagine. Traffic wasn’t horrible, but I swear I hit every single light on the way here. My music was the only thing that kept me sane.” 

“One pro of being blind is that I always have company in cars, but it also kinda sucks when the only source of conversation you have is Sokka or Katara,” Toph said with a teasing grin. 

“What?” Both of the aforementioned yelled at the same time, causing everyone except them to dissolve into laughter. 

“This is what I missed. I don’t even have to make up for three years of missed teasing because Toph’s had it taken care of.” You patted her on the shoulder as the elevator door opened and everyone filed in. “What floor are we on?” 

“Three. There’s a lot of foot traffic and we have some very annoying neighbors, but it’s one of the cheaper places here!” Sokka pushed the button and the doors closed. 

“Sounds.. fun!” You couldn’t really complain because you had practically begged for Sokka to let you live with him, plus you couldn’t afford anything more than splitting rent four ways in a cheap apartment. “Is there anything else I should know?” 

“Sokka never washes his dishes and only takes out the trash if you yell at him to do it. Zuko always leaves his towels on the ground but he’s a neat freak so the cleanliness of his room leeches into the rest of our apartment, it’s great. And I’m a perfect roommate,” Aang said with his smile that could convince you to give him everything you owned. 

“That is such a lie, Aang! I do everything that I’m supposed to do; your room is a mess that can’t even be cleaned up by Zuko, plus you stay up super late all the time talking on the phone to Katara! Thin walls buddy, THIN. WALLS.” 

“Do you want to talk about thin walls? Because you play your music as loud as possible, and somehow it’s always when I’m trying to study! And every time we drink, you become a huge mess.” After Zuko put his word in, the three boys all started arguing. You made eye contact with Katara and Suki; Katara gave you a sympathetic smile but Suki just grinned. 

“Alright, boys! We’re here, so kindly shut up.” You elbowed Sokka in the side as you walked out of the elevator, giving him an innocent smile when he scowled at you. “Lead the way, bro.” 

~~ 

It took about ten minutes to get all of your boxes in the apartment with six people helping you, and though the girls wanted to stay they had to get back for some stuff relating to their classes. You thanked and hugged them all, and soon it was just you, your brother, your sister’s boyfriend, and the guy that you thought was hot. 

You spun around in the living room before collapsing onto the couch, spreading your arms out above you and sighing heavily. “I feel like I could fall asleep right here.” 

“I hope you can because that’s where you’re gonna be sleeping.” You looked up at Sokka with shock, and he stared back at you for about five seconds until he started laughing. 

“Ah, you should’ve SEEN your face!” He managed to get out through his laughter, wiping a tear from his eye. 

“Do you enjoy causing me pain?” 

“Very much so.” 

“You and Sokka are sharing a room, Y/N. Aang and I are in the other. And don’t worry, there are two twin beds in each so you don’t have to share share,” Zuko explained quickly. 

“Oh, fantastic. My boyfriend always snored a lot so I’ve gotten very good at tuning them out. You’re lucky that I’m the best roommate ever, bro.” 

“First you invade the sanctuary that is my home, and then the sanctuary that is the group chat for the home, and now you embarrass me in front of all of my friends for no reason? You are not my mom!” 

“Come on Y/N, we can show you around your room and the apartment.” Aang interrupted Sokka’s spiel, still going on in the background as the two of you walked over to a door with a large band poster on it. 

Zuko watched your retreating figure with a small smile on his face until you disappeared into the room, snapping out of his trance when Sokka started pulling him towards the room, grumbling about how ‘no one appreciates my genius’ and ‘can’t believe they left me’.