#im young but the world is dying. with no world i cant live

[jupparo]

i know im still pretty young but sometimes i think that feeling of "its to late" also is connected to seeing constant news of how the world is crumbling faster and faster each year. yes i can do anything i want till the moment im put in the ground. but how will i do anything if theres no livable planet in few years?

[fatallyaddictedtofiction]

Im just gonna allow myself to yap about supernatural and see where destiny takes me. SIDENOTE IF U WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME LITERALLY PLEASE I WANT TO PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME.

Okay first of all im starting with the start (s1+2). BEST LIGHTING TO MOOD EVER EVER EVER. Like you want dark scary monsters??? ITS THERE. I remember there being a reason they changed the lighting (smugly: yes i listen to the podcast) but i CANT REMEMBER. The characterisation of the macho eldest son coded scared eldest daughter Dean is unreal and parallel in epicness to repressed queer allegory something is inherently wrong with him little brother. The brief moments of emotional vulnerability. Dont get me STARTED on Dean's monologue in the s2 finale i'll start crying. It's crazy how rude john is to Dean like excuse me he raised your kid and now ur bitching about him? Try saying thank you for once. I think the only reason john actually said im proud of you was because he realised when azazel said it dean was like "ur not my dad" and to john it was a little "oh shit" moment. Sam has every right to be angry but every time he gets angry at dean something in me shatters a little because deans trying so hard for himself and sam and sam doesnt know who or how to lash out (emotional dysregulation baybee) so aims for deans jugular like nooo honeyyyy noooooo. This era was the best sam in my opinion.

Rest of the show down here:

Onto S3-5. Cant remember jack about season 3. Season 4 CASTIEL MY BELOVED MY LIGHT MY LIFE MY REASON FOR LIVING. Absolutely loved everything about Weird Cas and i wanted more of him why did they have to domesticate him. His and Deans dynamic was impeccable and yk something??? I wanted to see Dean in hell torturing people i wanted to see it on his face how much he hated that he enjoyed it and i wanted to see Cas' face at watching the righteous man lose. Like the best we got was Yellow Fever GOD I LOVED THAT bit when he was hallucinating the book and it said "you gonna cry?" Like so many people think thats a funny episode but it makes me so sad because he is DYING and from such a young age hes been told to stow it away, lock it down to the point hes HALLUCINATING IT. Cas falling for dean. Im sorry i just. They are the best love story. LUCIFER. He was scarier back then, but i do love later seasons lucy too. Something about the peeling skin and the "we will always end up right here" just slapped. ENDVERSE EPSIODE god so good can we just take a moment to think about it. Okay cool thanks okay. Demon blood Sam arc was fun but had unfulfilled potential. Cant give you specifcs rn its late and my brain needs to get this all out so if you know you know. The whole meta stuff with Chuck was eh until he was confirmed as god and then i was like duuude the faint strings of marionettes are glistening in the sunrise like how do we know --- im getting ahead of myself.

S6-11. I know, its a big chunk. But basically the whole thing could be renamed "Crowley's unrequited love story". Cas and crowley were the best duo i almost forgot like they are genuinely so funny together and i bet it would be great to be tortured by them UMM THE BETRAYAL i honestly loved Cas' episode the only thing i didn't like was how the reveal itself was done like... Idk just a bit... Kryptonite???? Anywho i Loved the tension between Dean and Cas DEAN LOOKED BACK. Um leviathans were my favourite monster but they became so dumbbbb after washing up liquid killed them. BOBBYS EPISODE ALWAYS MAKES ME SOB MY EYES OUT "i raised two boys and they became heroes" allow me to DIE. Also damn impressed a shot to the head didnt take him down but it was lovely to see Deans first world, first solid rock properly crumble around him (forgetting john okay he wasnt a healthy rock) . PURGATORY DEAN JDJSJDJDJD kill me please his fight or flight mode was SO. So sad we didnt get more of purgatory like i would pay to see more i would kill probably but we'll overlook that. Benny my beloved. They definitely all got together Cas included like who wouldnt at that point. Smth i didnt like is how wheneer they went back to purgatory, unlike how dean described it "360 battle 24/7" or some shit like that it was EMPTY. Like please,, i know the plot needs convenience BUT PURGATORY ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE CONVENIENT. But dean recrafting his own memories to make himself believe that he failed to save Cas rather than what he perceived as Cas giving up on him- hang on i dropped my jaw somewhere, gimme a sec i need to go find it-- LIKE. HHHH. The whole mind control shit going on with Cas because his ties to Dean had been severed (saw a post about that and loved it but cant rmb it) and HIM BEING THE ONE TO BREAK IT. The crypt scene mmmm i love. Want more. Mark of Cain dean was literally my favourite. A violent, mentally unstable man who also has bad mental health and is often covered in blood? Yes pls. Cas being with him every step of the way. I havent mentioned Sam in a while. Hes just kind of been there. Hate that he slowly became 2D. Far away in the background hes got his worried expression and is rocking, saying "Dean? Dean? Cas? Jack? Dean?" Like writers why did u strip his personality except for worry. Do Not get me started on the whole Amelia thing ill stab someone. But yeah cas saying he'll watch dean murder the world is my universe :). If someone said that to me id say "omg really?" And develop a huge fat crush (somehow). CHARLIE DYING WAS AN ABOMINATION When they brought back Eileen why not charlie like. Dont bring characters back at this point because theres all sorts of issues grr. Amara was cool af but i didnt like the whole amara x dean stuff because it was just weird. Luciferrrrr hes so girlypop i love him DEAN DIDNT KNOW IT WASNT CAS but thats only because lucy purposefully wore less clothes around him to distract him.

S12-14. Im running out of steam. MARYYY. It hurt to see Sam get along with Mary becsuse he never knew her as anything else while all dean wanted was a mom and that wasnt who she really was anymore. He loved her so much but couldnt break through that barrier of "it wasnt the perfect marriage until after she died" vibes. God that scene in s5 where its suggested dean saw +/ smelled what happened to Mary and he was literally backing himself into a corner BROKE me. Havent mentioned the Wayward sisters but please know they are so important to me they are my everything. Jack is also. Loved Kelly, very sad she had to die. Wanted Jack to be a baby but thats not good for television is it. But i love Jack so much hes such a sweetie who can kill with a thought. Alternate universe michael and Michael!Dean was epic af but michael dying like that was so anticlimactic gonna be honest i think they were just reaching for ways to lose Jacks soul. Garth GARTH!!! Hes so cute. I loved all those "hand recorded" episodes btw like ghostfacers and that one teen wolf type stuff. Dean hiding in his room is so me. Free Will Theory is so fucked up at this point ur sat there saying gods been pulling the strings this whole time and i supposed to be okay with it?? I so get why deans angry but i definitely think thats something Chuck emphasised (crappy excuse for crappy writing) to an extreme level because WHAT. Like dude. I cant even describe how out of character he felt at some times.

S15. Currently rewatching and cant rmb much of it. 3 characters dead in the first 3 episodes. They either kill off all side characters or we dont hear from them at all to tie up or shove away loose ends. I cant even talk abiut the finale please i cant rn im way too tired. It straight up didnt need to exist, it could've only been 19 eps. Cas. Castiel. He did want you my darling.

[plaguethewaters]

OKOKOKOK MICHEAL IN THE REINCARNATION AU??? I HAVE QUESTIONS

First of all. That means he's dead. That means he died. Hold up. I need a second *walks away*

*distant screeching can be heard*

*comes back*

Ehm okay anyway so

First of all when did he die? Because if he died later on (and the age gap between him vs everyone else is the same) that means that he had to live at least 8 years without the entire server which just. Why would you do that to the poor boy he doesn't deserve this :(.

ANDD. If he died along with everyone else. It would make him the same age as everyone because they get reincarnated at the same time. Which is just. A whole 'nother can of worms

I NEED. ANSWERS. ALSO. I NEED A MOMENT TO CRY

oh you dont know how much ive tought about this I HAVE THE ANSWER

BIG TW for child death

this au starts from a sliiightly modified disk finale, as in - sam kidnapped michael, and put a Literal Toddlet who Can't swim in an underground room without exits. on a fuckin ISLAND

anyway everything goes as canon but the revengers find Michael already dead, because the room he was kept in flooded and he drowned. Yes zombie piglins cant actually drown ik im taking Artistic Liberty.

(this also does mean michael died alone and scared but we are NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT this is a FLUFF AU. everything is Fine)

which means that tubbo goes completely apeshit, and tommy with him (since at that point he was aleeady kinda going if not all gone) - and Boom, speedrum of the nuke finale, which leads to Everyone Dying, unlike canon where some people managed to save themselves.

wilbur is technically an ecception, but for the sake of the lore lets say he gets run over by a bus somewhere in utah.

NOW

fir reincarnations

ill explain this better in a prequel shot but basically this all ties into Kristin who manages to do this pulling a shitton of godly favors

and she like. doesnt want to traumatize all these people again, so the remembering part of the reincarnation is kind of staggered - first by when they died (as in, schlatt remembers way before tubbo) and by mental age they are in their new bodies (schlatt remembers at like, 15, but he gets the memories back slowly, so hes always the mental age hes supposed to be. hes never like, a 60 yo in the body of a teenager. This is barring the direct family of Kristin (phil and wilbur) and other god associated people (techno, foolish, puffy) (not dream. this is. a fluff au.)

Michael gets a special case. Technically he should remember around the time ranboo does, because they died within like a day of each other, but Kristin wants to avoid another "teen parents" situation - also considering that in the real world two gay teens would have. some kind of problems acquiring and raising a child.

So Michael remembers aroound six years old, and he doesnt remember Evrything. he starts out with the fluffy family stuff, enough to recognize his parents and friends, and then eventually, very slowly remembers the tragedy and trauma and stuff. Id say he finishes remembering around 15? and by that time hes been in therapy a bunch so theyre managing it.

Also, important, michael is six when beeduo is like. 27. So when they adopt him it looks like they had a chikd at like 21 which is young, but not outrageously young call cos young. Just so they can have a easier legal life that is

[werebutch]

I cant wait to move out im going to suffer so much but ill also have so much that i dont right now. Im so glad i found my love of cooking recently its so so fulfilling. I’m so excited for school and im so nervous. I’m so excited to make friends again and have a schedule. Live in my own little world. It’s like so cheesy but im kind of finally starting to get over my thing about dying young. Like since i was 12 i planned to die before i graduated high school (and at 12, i hoped before i completed 8th grade) but its been almost 2 years since i got my diploma. Now i have my little bunnies and a lot of passion for new and old hobbies etc. like up until a little while ago i could not envision a future for myself at all, its like i was genuinely incapable. And i still kinda am, but its slowly getting better at least for now. And idk im a major loser im pretty much freeloading right now i dont really have friends and I haven’t dated in like.. 4 years? Which is insane. But also like a lot of other people are major losers. I’d go as far as to say most people are losers. and ive told myself this so much im starting to believe it so thats good i guess. The suicidal ideation hasn’t gone away but i can deal with it better. Or at least distract myself better. Anyways ive also experimented with art so much the last couple years and it only makes me want to try more mediums. Since becoming less depressed my intense love for the earth just keeps inspiring me more and more and i think i finally have a very abstract idea of what i want to do with my career. Maybe. At least for now i do, which is good. It’ll change and thats fine. I’m honestly really worried about this high ive had for the past couple weeks because im really scared it will all go away. I’m not usually this optimistic and its scaring me big time. I still have so much mental trouble with my body and my relationship with my family those are like the major things. And the loneliness of course. I just really hope i dont like ? Crash? And start feeling horrible again. I dont know what im saying anymore LMFAO i should really write in my journal im just lazy. If u read this all youre a real werebutch fan. Make me feel less scared of college please

[bish-plz-haha]

Noragami will be the death of me

December 20:

I'm catching up on the Noragami manga and I am dying. My god: I'm on chapter 95 and I'm literally crying. Like, I can't believe Yukine would do that?!? Like, Yukine is absolutely my favourite character in the show - maybe ever honestly - and like, I just can't believe it. I'm utterly speechless. I cant think of words to describe how I'm feeling.

Betrayal

Dejected

Sadness

Anger

Contempt

Confused

Mortified

These are just a few. I just cant believe he would go and do such a thing.

Also, that whole scene where Nora takes Hiyori to Yukine's grave just had me SOBBING. I saw it when it first came out but shit, seeing it again after so long; damn feelings. Shit.

(I will edit this post when I finish the manga - well, to where it is at now. Final chapter is coming next month and I'm stoked for it! Even with how much feelings I feel.)

December 21 (12:00 am):

OH MY GOD YUKINE'S MORTAL NAME (HARUKI) MEANS "Spring Tree" AND HIS SHINKI NAME MEANS "Snow"...

HIS NAMES ARE ON BOTH SIDES! "Snow" being in the season of "death" and "Spring" being the season of "life." His names fit which shore he's living in.

Adachitoka are genius. My goodness.

December 21 (4:24 pm):

OH MY GOD WHAT?!?!?

Okay, I absolutely love seeing Yukine in that beast form. He is badass and I love that.

Hiyori died?!?! But because of the world being false, she didn't ACTUALLY die. I love how Yukine bursting through the cherry blossom petals and Hiyori's shinki vessel came from them as well. That is a very cool parallel.

But my god! That panel showing Yukine laying in that refrigerator surrounded by the petals just absolutely broke my heart. Like, I know he died there, but I didn't actually need to see him laying in it. Why, Adachitoka?!?! Why??? Why do you gotta break my heart as so?

I also wanna say that I loved Yukine curling around young Yato in his beast form: that made my heart very happy. It was so cute!!!! I just wanna take it and print it out and colour it and hang it up. That was one of the most precious things I've ever seen!

Okay; now all I gotta do is wait until next month to get the... last chapter 😭😭😭😭

IM NOT CRYING, YOU ARE!

[visible-disappointment]

for the ask game, the Damned 🖤

omg i love the damned thank you!!!

favourite song: plan 9 channel 7 or history of the world pt 1 least favourite song: cant pick :( have i ever seen them live: not yet, i was meant to last year but they cancelled the gig BUT they announced another tour and im seeing them later this year!! favourite band member: i love dave vanian for his style and captain sensible for his silliness least favourite band member: theyve had so many i cant pick a least favourite... how many of their albums i have: damned damned damned, machine gun etiquette, light at the end of the tunnel and another compilation all on cd. also a grimly fiendish 12" favourite album: machine gun etiquette one of my favourite albums ever favourite lyrics: No one alive and no one left Nobody cares or ain't you heard Looks like I'll take my dying breath In the history of the world favourite music video: nasty from the young ones :) ever met any members: sadly not but maybe thatll change when i see them

[devflamme]

i just love this idea i had of "agatha sang in clubs/parties when she was younger and had to earn money to survive because 💲capitalism is now something that controls the world and she cant live in the forest anymore💲" and i had to write a scenario for my fic where agatha allows that wanda enters her mind and sees some of her memories. the first one being young!agatha singing jazz in a club (and wanda almost dying because... its agatha. singing.)

this fic is not finished (YET! i want to finish it but its not going to happen soon because im a member of society and i have to work and do things) and this is just a little thingy i had to write to not forget everything i just thought about. i wrote this (and more! the full draft has 1,3k+ words 😁) yesterday in like, 30 minutes or less???

another thing i love about this is that agatha is willing to show her memories. she trusts wanda now for her to do this. they both trust each other. and this is such an important thing for me because that's a line that happens near the start of the fic that goes "i can't trust you. we can't trust each other." and NOW THEY TRUST EACH OTHER. i love couple development 🥺🩷

theyre now soft, your honor, and i could spend HOURS talking about my own fanfiction.

[storm-of-feathers]

man everytime oceangate comes up again im suddenly very forcibly reminded that everyone talking out of their ass has no fucking idea how real search and rescues work and how you cant discriminate against who you do and dont rescue

for one thing, you could just have wrong information. as this entire thing proved, its so easy for misinformation to spread. especially through memes. to this day people tout the "five billionaires" thing like its the truth bc twitter told them thats what it is so it must be true right!! even though some of the lives lost were a researcher and a young adult but the MEMES said it was five billionaires right? surely people wouldnt use something as sacred as internet memes to spread misinformation?

not to mention the comparison to the migrant boat crisis was

1) a huge whataboutism. you know how i know? bc it dropped out of conversation almost instantly, and bc no one who was mad ab it actually provided steps and actions on what to do about it.

2) was being handled by a different fucking government. the american coast guard is a part of the biggest and most well funded military in the world. of course the rescue efforts seemed much bigger. because america spends more on its military than the next ten countries combined. so yk.

and like. people who were already anti death penalty saying that "actually yeah the people in the sub dont deserve it still. being stupid shouldnt be a death sentence." was just them holding to their morals and beliefs.

and this is from someone who is pro death penalty! but you know. after a fair trial. that kind of thing. i believe human rights, including the right to not dying and a fair trial, are sacred.

but the memes right? its all fine to ignore all that for the memes. the destiel image said it, so it must be true!

[ex-princessvania]

AUGHGA the people have spoken. good god i hope this makes sense:

cole death symbolism is fairly well established i think? but here is a list of a lot of the different parts of it just for reference. one thing that stood out to me the more i thought abt it was that his becoming a ghost and s10 “death” both have him come CLOSE to dying, but never actually crossing the threshold. i think i made this post a while ago just talking abt that phenomena in relation to cole.

ALSO in relation to cole and death (which i see ppl talk abt but not necessarily as part of the overall death symbolism he has which i think is interesting) is the older-mirror scene in s5. the writers later made this scene foreshadow his ‘disappearance’ in s5 which. was not done particularly well lol, and so it can easily be reinterpreted. if we assume that, on a narrative level, this scene is not explaining his ability to disappear, but is actually foreshadowing his death. well.

it’s kind of unclear how old everyone is supposed to be when they see themselves in the mirror?? because they are legos but like. they are certainly not super old, which (if we are continuing on the assumption that cole dies before everyone else) means that cole very specifically dies young.

lets come back to that in a minute i have to take a quick tangent about cycles. also something i feel is well established, but its important for background info. one thing ninjago does A LOT of is have its main characters repeat things. both things they themselves have done AND ALSO things their parents/ancestors have done. think nya becoming the sea the same way nyad did, lloyd having to fight the overlord in a never ending loop like the fsm, etc.

the whole deal with cycles and generational trauma etc etc when specifically talking abt cole is centered on his mom; he does almost exactly everything his mom did before she died in s13 (adjusted for the situation) and of course has her element. if this extends to his actions, it could certainly also extend to his death. i think this is more evidence to the idea than anything else? like cole dying young is a continuation of the loop unintentionally created for him by his mother.

to actually return to the point i was making, cole is surrounded by death. he almost dies a couple times, but his death is stopped partially or entirely by some other supernatural force. based on this he could be seen absolutely as a psychopomp/grim reaper, but because of both the s5 symbolism and his mom, im really more inclined to say that he is more doomed by the universe to die at some point. now this is really me speculating and tbh just making things up, but i think this does lend credibility to the idea that the universe itself is keeping cole from dying at these points (s5, s10) because there is some point in the future that the universe has literally decided is the time that he is Going To Die.

and like why??? what is so significant about that (theoretical) death that the universe is literally changing the laws of physics to stop this man from dying? what is so important about this point in time that the whole world is bending over backwards to make sure it happens?

going to get emotional now but like! cole being the first to die of everyone is so crazy to me! cole who is the leader and the oldest and the most mature and the one trying so hard to keep everyone together who dies first, and dies young! just like his mom!! in a world where robots come back from the dead every single year and the children of gods live forever there is one guy who has a point that he can never come back from. despite evading death he is surrounded by it; he cant die yet because you cant fight destiny!! your time will come bitch!!

anyway tldr; i think that cole dies young just like his mom because the universe loves him and has big plans for him. or maybe the universe just cares about perpetuating the cycle whos to say.

[opencharacters]

Pooh Bear & The Mighty King Yendis

A young brown bear contemplates the state of his world...

[Also on AO3]

Chapter I: The River

Oswald, a particularly happy-go-lucky rabbit sat down by the river of fiction, a transdimensional river made out of quarks. It was not his intention to go for a dip but rather to sit and relax a bit. The sound of the quarks was soothing in a way and he felt at peace.

He noticed a friend of his was already down at the riverbank, Winnie the Pooh. He would recognize his brown fur anywhere.

"Morning Pooh"

"Morning Oswald, what brings you down here?"

"Just thought I'd relax here a bit and read"

"Ever wonder about the river? It's been behaving strangely since King Yendis took over"

"Yendis, despite being my brother i can safely say has done a lot of damage to this land"

"Perhaps something can be done to purify the river?" Pooh asked.

"Perhaps, but at least it has not lost its beauty"

"That's true" Pooh said, drinking from his cup of honey.

Another friend of theirs, Raggedy Ann arrived at the riverbank and greeter the pair.

"Morning you two, beautiful day is it not? I was gonna have a picnic here"

"Ann, does the state of the river concern you?" Pooh asked.

"The river? Well its pretty but its different than when I was young“ she answered.

"Sometimes I feel like someone should overthrow King Yendis, he's ruining the river, he's ruining my home, he's ruining everything"

Raggedy Ann pulled out a checkered blanket and put it on the ground and lay down her picnic basket. Her movement was overly slow being a doll and all.

"King Yendis is a problem but I'm not sure what can be done. He's the king after all"

Pooh looked concerned and angry. "We are spending our free time looking at a river thats toxic because its the only thing still beautiful in the forest. Its ripples provoke memories of the original beauty"

"Pooh we just-" Ann said.

"Im sick of living in this fantasy land where we pretend everything is fine. The forest is dying, the river is dying. Yendis needs to go!" Pooh yelled out.

"But what can-" Oswald started before being interrupted by Pooh.

"We need to kill him. I know he's your brother but its the only way we can even start to repair the forest"

Ann & Oswald both looked shocked at Pooh as if he had performed a cardinal sin.

"Im sorry its just...things arent improving. Opening up greenhouses is no subsitute for what we had. I just..." tears began to stream down Pooh's eyes. His two friends embraced him to comfort him.

They didnt say anything. Oswald left without saying goodbye. Ann stayed with him just sitting in silence watching the river and its quark based whistling mixed in with sound of black sludge dragging across the bottom of the river.

"You're right pooh, we cant keep living like this and pretend its fine" Ann finally said "pretending our friends havent been hurt or had their life cut short by all of this"

"I doubt Oswald will help us, thats his brother. But i think we could hire someone to do so for us"

"Yeah" Pooh said, hiding one of his hands behind back, sludge beginning to to permiate on his hand, seeping into his pores.

It didnt hurt but Pooh knew it was in his interest to hide it, at least while this plan was still formulating between them

[speak-now-girlies-unite]

?

the gifted kid burnout was strong this week.

i hate that phrase, because last year i told my best friend at the time "i think im burnt out." and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me that i was too young, too good, that my life was too easy for me to be going through burnout.

i think that's when i stopped looking up to her.

once i was talking to my "friends" during lunch, and somehow we started talking about crying on command. my day was pretty shitty so when i was the only person who could cry on command i wasn't really surprised, it just felt like crying. i blamed my ability on staring at the lights, and just being good at it, but on girl looked at me. and. she knew.

she wasn't even my best friend. my best friend was right there and she didn't notice. she was talking to someone else. but this girl that i'd had barely a few conversations with, she knew. she could tell. and that almost made me actually cry. i was so tired. so so tired.

this girl's my best friend now, and i tell her everything. i dont know where i would be without her. but this week was another hard week. i feel like im slipping into a depression or something, i don't know. i feel so numb, so tired. my math teacher takes forever to put in grades, so right now alot of my assignments show up as missing, so i'm failing her class. it makes me feel so embarrassed, so ashamed, but also i can't bring myself to care. im so tired. i want to scream. im angry, but im too tired to be angry.

i just want it all to stop. i want it to be over and done with. i want to be 37, living in a blue house with white accents and three adopted kids, and being happy. feeling free. at the same time i want to be 5, singing along to "party in the usa" and arguing with my aunt on pink vs. purple. at the same time i want to be dead, simply not existing. i want to never have existed. i want to not have to feel.

im so tired. but its not like im suicidal or anything. i've thought about killing myself, but it the way anyone would do when your friend nearly ends it all for themself. i wouldn't ever kill myself. ive got too much to live for. my friends would be upset. i would never find a partner. i would never finish writing a book, or influence a life. so im living. but im not happy about it. i just want to go to sleep, but i know that if i do, the morning will come faster, and i'll have to go through the world all over again. and again. and again. and again.

there's no point in delaying the inevitable, but i will anyways, because it makes me feel like i have some sort of control over myself.

one day its going to be over. just a few more years. this school year's almost over. a few more days till the end of the week. a few more months till the end of the year. a few more years till the end of school. will it ever end, truly? senior year seems so far away. and ill dissapoint everyone if i dont go to college. is that another four years? five? six? its so much. i just want to go to sleep. i just want to sleep in, and then crochet myself a top, and then watercolor in the sun. and then sleep. but i cant, and i feel like im dying. i dont want to die. i just want to get out of this cycle. wake up, go to school, go home, cry, go to sleep. wake up. go to school. go home. stress. cry. go to sleep. i cant do this. please, i need some sort of lifeline.

im so tired.

[wildtornado-o]

u seem to like/draw like . everyone in somnium files im dying to know what ur ranking of them is and why like i cant pin down a favorite based on ur posts

My ranking is honestly kind of simple because I love everyone! (tier list so I can organize my thoughts accidently put Saito in the wrong spot he SHOULD. be next to So)

I honestly really like every character in the first game. Every character feels unique and like they have a reason to be there, even Mame who doesn't get much screen time. They all have their own thing going on which I feel helps flesh out the world they live in really well.

Date and Mizuki are my top faves but everyone else in that tier is really close to them sdkfhsd, their route just personally hit the hardest for me, and then Ota's route.. (although honestly every route hits in such a good different way) I love their dynamic so much, and a lot of their dynamic reminds me of my and my dad LOL (just in a more healthy way than them) Basically the moment I saw Mizuki in that pillar I knew I was going to love her, traumatized young child that seems to have sooo many issues and knows the protag? sign me up! But yeah, going from her route and the ones on the left side to the right side was so jarring because there is like. No Mizuki in Iris' route like at all, which made me very sad. But when she is there she totally just steals the scene so I get it skjfskd Having all the other characters trying to tell Date how Not Okay she is always made me so mad at Date like "Sir!! Sir please help your daughter" and he just didnt. I think thats one thing that bothers me but its easy to ignore since the route wasn't about her. BUT YEAH I Love Date and Mizuki and their dynamic they are my faves and I REALLY!! Wish it didn't feel like everyone just. forgot about Mizuki in the end of the true route. But thats ok because I guess it makes sense, Date was struggling lmao I loveddd what we saw of Falco which is why he's UP there too, I just find him so facsinating and loved seeing how much he loved Iris and Hitomi, and just how much he was willing to lose in order to protect them. Hitomi is also definitely one of my favourites because shes also just so fascinating, I will always have a memory of playing her backstory part with my friend in my hallway because we couldnt find anywhere to charge her switch, and just being so FLOORED at everything she revealed. That poor woman has been through so much and still remains hopeful and filled with so much love and that just. ow. I love her sm. I love Iris. I used to hate Iris. (I played the left side first, so it wasn't really Iris) She got on my nerves because of how obviously manipulative she was to Date, but now I love that about her shes so cheeky sdkfjsdf she gets so many of her traits from her Uncle <3 Such a goofy girl I looove her dynamic with literally all of the characters because it shows just how SMART! She is I don't think she gets enough credit for how smart she is. Aiba is so silly and I love her, shes such a strong character in the first game and her relationship with Date really is everything to me. The warehouse scene almost made me cry but because I knew she would come back after it didnt affect me as hard BUT STILL. "I hate you Aiba and I never want to see you again" is a line I will never be able to forget. Her humour is one of the best parts of the game and I just love how much she shines in somniums when messing with Date, neither of them have a single thought, do they sdhfshdf I'd go over the other 3 in my top tier but this is already very long UM.... if you want me to talk more about a specific character feel free to send another ask!! (Just a note, this is my opinion on all the characters excluding how they may have been changed in aini, not for any reason I just like the characters more in the first game)

[abigail-nicole]

tgcf liveread, part 4

archiving my live-reading of Heaven Official's Blessing, the best danmei and one of the most enjoyable novels I ever read, officially translated and available legally now from Seven Seas publishing, featuring Fearless Zen Himbo Xie Lian and Sexy Angry Calamity Everyone Is Afraid Of Hua Cheng. this finishes out book 1 and starts book 2

originally live-tweeted on 3/29/2020

Is actually adorable that the heavenly officials are like “we respect that you’re friends with hua cheng”

baby Xie Lian loves swings.....adorable....

Sad? Try jumping into the first well you see

Oh no going to see his parents graves!?????? I’m dying a little

QI RONG YOU DISRESPECT MOM XIE????????? HES GONNA KILL YOU

Oh my god THIS is where we end book one ??????? NIGHTMARE

Thank god I’m not actually waiting for a chapter & can jump into book two immediately!

BOOK TWO :

IS THIS GONNA BE ANOTHER MDZS LEVEL FLASHBACK MY TINY HEART DOESN’T WANT THAT

Xie Lian, With some Dramatic Timing,

I often read books really fast bc dramatic tension makes me nervous & i need to know what’s going to happen. Because getting too invested in a thing with a sad ending kills me!! So a spoiler that a story has a sweet happy ending INCREASES MY ENJOYMENT OF A BOOK

Young Qi Rong more annoying than green ghost qi rong

any time someone has one eye covered in gonna jump in screaming WE KNOW WHO HAS ONLY ONE EYE

WAIT AFTER THIS WHOLE SCENE THERES JUST THAT ONE PARAGRAPH i mean i know well get more later but ummmmmnmm FEELINGS MUCH

Xie Lian, stand up comedian

I read this passage to my spouse who was shocked & said “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A ROMANCE NOVEL” and then I said “OH SO ROMANCE NOVELS CAN’T HAVE BIG THOUGHTS ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WORLD?”

and continued “JUST BECAUSE MOST NOVELS THAT ENGAGE WITH PHILOSOPHICAL IDEAS HAVE HETEROSEXUAL ROMANCE DOESNT MEAN THAT CANT HAPPEN WITH HOMOSEXUAL ROMANCE TOO”

I’m sorry I said Xie Lian was a himbo

just kidding the inability to see outside of moral imperatives is the mark of a himbo. also I love & appreciate himbos

These flashbacks are really illustrating Xie Lian’s character growth over 800 years. That’s some Good Writing

A ONE EYED CHILD WHO KEPT A SHRINE TO XIE LIAN???? YOU SAY????

My tiny heart clenches up

Xie Lian to Hua Cheng: yeah when I was young & stupid I once told someone to keep living for me hahahaha isnt that dumb

Hua Cheng: (four side eye emojis)

Watching Xie Lian lose control and realize how powerless he is ..... that’s rough, buddy

When i call heroes “dumb babies” and say there are only Villains and Dumb Babies..... this is exactly what i mean

The Hero is The Fool pass it on

I hate reading scenes where things systematically go to shit in every single way ........ reading with one eye closed, turning pages hurriedly, like waiting for the monster to pop out in a scary movie....

READING WITH ONE EYE CLOSED AHHHHHH TOO MUCH TRAGEDY. Closing doors to refugees struggling who need help & punishing them for seeking aid? TOO MUCH LIKE REAL LIFE

This is Too Real For 2020

Dumb Baby

Growing up is rough

Book 2; in conclusion,

WHITE CLOTHED CALAMITY APPEARS

yes the refugee killing was too real for 2020 & then a plague appeared

their first fight together omg and he’s like...... you should get a scimitar.....a cute one.....

ghklcdukbj ffl lolololol i was NOT expecting this land of the tender scene

NOW THERE’S A PANDEMIC IN THE NOVEL???? THIS IS TOO REAL

THANK GOD IM DONE WITH BOOK TWO

I’m so excited to be done with book two i’m gonna make myself some nice tea. Then read some Older Wiser Less Upset Xie Lian. As a treat

I’ve never been so happy to have Qi Rong back

Ling Wen deserves BETTER

ID PRAY TO YOU

I would PAY MONEY to watch “The Red Demon Burnt The Temples of Thirty-Three Gods And Not Even The Heavens Could Do Shit”

“Wait this wasn’t as gay as this in real life.......well.....okay maybe it actually was”

THREE THOUSAND!!!!! I JUST SCREAMED TO MY EMPTY LIVING ROOM

but oh honey you know that’s going to make your boyfriend uncomfortable i know you wanna piss off all the heavenly officials but

Pei Ming is like I DON’T NEED A PLAY TO TELL ME WHEN FLIRTING IS HAPPENING I CAN SPOT FLIRTING BETTER THAN ANYONE

He just wants to be debt free and has a side gig: Xie Lian is the God of Millennials

Grudge Fetus and Xie Lian's Cross Dressing (second for this novel) Exorcism continued in next part!

[suckha-blog1]

My minecraft character

So i am on a minecraft roleplay server and im going to tell you the story of my character bc they are my baby now and like anyone with an oc i want more people to know about them

This post its going to be a bit long?, it depends of what you consider long

And before we start i want to mention that my character its based on cassandra from "the iliad" by homer (bc i like greek mythology) and that english its not my first language and my auto-corrector its in another language, if i make any mistakes

So my character since a very young age was blessed by a god to have the power to see the destiny of other people but when that same god asked a "favor" in return and she declined he also curse her so that nobody could believed in her profecies

But her brother was also blessed with this divine power but while he recueved praise for seeing a part of the puzzle of the destiny his sister recieved nothing but harsh coments when she could see all of it

But in the end Cassie (my character) was right and her kingdom perished against another more powerful army

They took her as a prisioner where they did horrible things to her, because they knew that she was a profet but they didnt know about the curse so she perished to be punish for her words again

But the profecy took action making her opressors perish because of an unkown illness (bc in greek mythology apolo its the one who curses casandra but he is also the god of illnesess so its like the "god doesent punish you two times" phrase)

Its thanks to this that she manages to escape and live her live like and unkown person for a couple of years

Until a soldier knocks on her door with a sword drawn at her ready to kill her Cassie knows about this because there was a profecy about this soldier

(i have a doc and two pages are about this scene so im just going to go straight to the point here bc if not its going to get LONG)

Cassie takes the soldier outside of her shack and in front of them there is this beautiful view where the soldier takes the helmet off and its this beautiful woman with golden hair crying at the sight of the view

One thing happens after the orher and yes Cassie and the soldier fall in love (yipieeee) they live happyly together for 5 years

And in all of those years Seraphina (the soldier) starts to learn to love the small things in live (bc of her backstory that i might do in another post) and Cassie, with more self-estem than ever, understands that she doesnt want to just watch in silence the injustice of the world so she decides to take matters into her own hands

This leads to another way to long scene that i cant put here bc its too long but Seraphina begs Cassie not to leave her because she knows how ita the live of a soldier and she doesnt want that to happen to her

*there is this detail that i forgot to mention but Seraphina its not a human and she made a deal with an entity to help her in battle but at thus point of the story the entity's energy flowing trough her veins its the only thing keeping her alive

And as of her last act of love she lets this entity "posses" (not actually possesing her but i couldnt find a vetter term) Cassie but Seraohina ended up dying in the proces

The profecy of Seraphina said that Cassie was goung to kill her, that its why she first attack her but in the end Cassie did kill her out of love...

And two years after this my character its droped ontro the minecraft server

And this is also the end of the post

I will do an update here every once in a while but if i see that this post gets a lot of attention it might be sooner

[graveyardmouth]

no offense but all offense. how do you not like mania. i think i got too many memories getting in the way of me. even at the best of times im out of my mind. i testify if i die in my sleep then know that my life was just a killer dream. youre the last of a dying breed write our names in the wet concrete i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me. i am a collapsing star with tunnel vision but only for you. im done with having dreams the thing that i believe you drain all the fear from me. i wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz and stuffing that comes out of you. i took too many hits off this memory i need to come down. we were lovers first confidants but never friends were we ever friends. the distance between us it sharpens me like a knife. i know its just a number but youre the eighth wonder. ill stop wearing black when they make a darker color. woke up on the wrong side of paradise. i hate all my friends i miss the days when i pretended with you. i became such a strange shape from trying to fit in. take the pain make it billboard big then swallow it for me. oh the things that you do in the name of what you love you are doomed but just enough. i am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom. if there were any more left of me id give it to you. i got dreams of my own but i want to make yours come true. youre the one habit i just cant kick. im back with a madness im a champion of the people who dont believe in champions. im just young enough to still believe but young enough not to know what to believe in. if i can live through this i can do anything. you say please dont ever change but you dont like me the way i am. the world tried to burn all the mercy out of me. dancing all alone in the morning light. i fell in love but i didnt fall down. feel like im bulletproof. you are my truest feeling yet i love you so much its just like oxygen. ive lived so much life i think that god is gonna have to kill me twice. i only wrote this down to make you press rewind. woke up on the wrong side of reality and theres a madness thats just coursing right through me. im just here for the fall. im living out of time eternal heatstroke. spiritual revolt from the waist down. im just a full tank away from freedom. these are the last blues we're ever gonna have. the glow of the cities below lead us back to the places that we never should have left. im yours till the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away. looking for pieces of broken hourglass trying to get it all back put it back together as if the time had never passed. i just want to let you break my brain.

[echoofthehippiegypsyspacechick]

Lately I feel like I am quietly drowning. I feel like I am slowly loosing the essence of my spirit never to be found. the light in me is dying. yet here I am pathetically still God damn trying. and trying at what? a rat race? a Circle to catch what? my tail? Im desperately grasping at what seems like a very pointless journey lost and deprived of all meaning. just a blank existence of eternal suffering. the magic lost around me. the numbness creeps in slowly as deadening as the cold creeping into the soles of my feet piercing past the skin leaving a dull ache that slowly then too printed over so deeply any memory of warm sunshine against my feet as it danced barefoot into the summer times sand so much so that the Lines of the two existences are so tumbled together that you cant read much less barely perceive any letters or words the sentence just scribbles of what now remains the definition of emotional hollow deadness. my spirit dying as I have all but worn out the pads of so many different shoes attempting blindly to navigate through this forest name my life journey. As I curse the Fates for blessing me with such a beloved gift as empathy but like all others before me I knew not my power and shirked off its responsibilities blindly innocently because those who are ignorant in knowledge are those who truly live in a daydreamed hallmark reality. too ignorant to grasp the true psychological depth of Cause and Affect around them with the starving eyes of an empath taught the meaning and conceot of assests and liabilities, too young to be taught the pregnated concept of Manipulation with human beings as the chess pieces and still too young to taste evil and its melodies that sang so sweet but doesnt always thine enemy? to entrapt you into its chessboard and become a horrific frozen rook, another expendable means to an end to achieve a Puppet Masters Meticulous Plan with no chance of any thank you or even a personal gain as repayment for your unjust prison sentence simply because you were just in the wrong place at the right time and framed for the murder you were falsley convicted with.

Out of foolish pure selflessness you charged forward to save the world and its price was your soul like all Life Magic, but you were never warned of this cursed bloodmagic, so you handed away the most precious pieces of your shade/essance unknowingly unquestioningly like a the hero in all your silly fairytail books read in the hours upon hours of solitude hoping to distract your from the loneliness that clawed at your belly after the third day of starvation because your forefathers and your peers cruelly felt some sort of sick satisfaction from dangling the knowledge of how to feed yourself for life as a cruel inhumane means to control you and selfishly trap you to thier jealouse greedy selves slowly feeding off of you over the years like the poor children in Tim Burtons Coraline film.

Signed: EchoOfTheHippieGypsySpaceChick