#im very much in the phase of my life where im starting to understand my parents as human beings and it's been. interesting

[tytoalbatross]

fictional parents. yes i will analyze them in a way that is true to canon and not in the way that mirrors what my relationship to my Own parents is like, currently. surely not

[anonymouscheeses]

more obvious shit I wanted to point out but it's more than last time uhhh pt.2 (spoilers for dad beat dad and maybe welcome to heaven. Maybe?)

I love that Charlie just randomly goes into demon form sometimes like here ehhehehe. Also can I just say I love Charlie so much?? She is my favorite and I love her especially in this episode because it feels like the same optimistic Charlie but she was just put in a bad situation. I relate to her a bit TOO much, almost down to every detail like wow. You'll understand later once I get there. But just wow...

LOOK AT THIS FUNNY LITTLE MAN. SPOODER DUST <3 also. Live [image] reaction. Someone make that into a reaction image 🙏🙏

HONEY!!! NEW MEME TEMPLATE JUST DROPPED. (Aka the one guy going crazy trying to explain the stuff on the board iykyk)

OMG... THAT CANT BE CHARLIE... NOT CHARLIE'S EMO PHASE PLEASE BAHAHAHHAHAHA (also love that Lucifer has kept it all these years, if Charlie knew I think she'd be extremely embarrassed. Vaggie would love it probably xd)

HE IS SO GOOFY I CANT- I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ALREADY!!! NEED.

Broskie got character development and is NICE?!? I LOVE THAT SMMM YALL.... LOOK AT HIM!! I am very delusional yes, but I will take this over ass development(cough. Vaggie's "story" in ep 3. Cough).

Imagine this. *holds your hand carefully to help you calm down while talking to your father you haven't really wanted to talk to.* lesbian type stuff ngl 🤯 (relatable)

Angel looking at the gays while being a gay too. HE'S BEING SO KIND TO CHARLIE UGGHH I CANTTT!!(POS) NODDING HIS HEAD, SMILING TO HER, ALSO TRYING TO HELP CALM HER DOWN. I MAY BE ASS AT SOCIAL CUES BUT I NOTICED THIS ONE!! YAA

*SHE IS STILL HOLDING HER HAND. CHARLIE'S ALSO SWINGING IT AROUND NERVOUSLY. I can never get tired of them and will make art soon just you wait.*

COMMANDER VAGGIE! I love that she acts like this is a camp full of tiny kids and honestly? That's not too far off. Sir pentious is at the ready! (glad he's here more often in the episode, thought he would just get sidelined after his first episode but gladly no!) Angel is just surprised. Husk spilled his drink, ON WHITE FUR NO LESS! Niffty of course is on the floor face first. Charlie is just happy to be there yippee!

What is this?? I have no idea what the hell it is at all. Bro is just peepin- it doesn't look like Alastor, even in demon form. And... I can't think of anyone else who could be this. Anyone have ideas or maybe it's foreshadowing? Maybe it was revealed in the 6th episode I don't know I haven't watched it yet. (I am a freak. I don't binge I give myself a day to watch a single episode. Most of the time uhhh.)

WE LOVE A SHORT KING. I LOVE THAT. I LOVE HIM. THE EVERYTHING. HE IS EVERYTHING. LET ME STRANGLE HIM PLEASE. (Lillith and Lucifer's dynamic is 100% Gomez and Morticia but a little more silly short man)

"OH WOW! AN OLDER MAN WHO GIVES ME FATHERLY CARE!" *STARTS TO FUCKING CRY*

I FEEL YOU CHARLIE WAAAGHHH

Oh and there goes the silly guy again! Atp I'm thinking it may be the gal some people been talking about that they've been hinting since the pilot. I forgot her name but she's said to be the big bad of season 1 or probably 2. Not sure if that's what it's trying to imply but here's my little no-thought idea

Lucifer, no...

LUCIFER NO!! THIS IS SUCH AN ADORABLE RESPONSE TO CHARLIE DATING A WOMAN. (ADOPT ME)

AND THEN THE HUG! I GET IM LOOKING TOO MUCH INTO THIS ONE SILLY SCENE BUT I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH AND WANT THIS SO BAD IN MY LIFE.

Niffty really said, "Yes, I do the cleaning."

Get yourself a taller king who is a short king but compared to you is a tall king

Say what you will, but I genuinely want more dad Alastor, someone make an au before I do plsss and @ me 🙏🙏

alright.. now this is where it starts to be relatable and hurt my heart... yayy.... needing any sort of parent figure that actually cares about you than the actual parent who is rarely there? WOWZA! SAME CHARLIE <3 <3 (SO FAR VERY ACCURATE FROM SOMEONE THAT IS IN THE SAME SITUATION)

Alastor is letting her off kindly, atleast in his way. He may be pissed off she brought a shark gang to the hotel and put it on fire, but they were still close friends. With anyone else he would absolutely either murder them or have severely traumatized the person. She's the exception, although I don't think he'd let it off the hook so easily if there were a next time.

A father-daughter embrace! :,)

(This is gonna be messy asf) He wants to know who she is as a person. He always has, and that's definitely obvious, but from a person inside this, they may not know themselves what the other is thinking. To Charlie it was like he never cared and just wanted an excuse to not see her again, acting like he was truly busy as in the start where he made the rubber duck that breathed fire. Sure. But Charlie saw it as him finding ways to not interact with her again. The only times they talk was when it was related to business stuff or other things of the sort. Let me just say this song... is by far my favorite, including the episode. Sure, it's got problems it's own, but this extremely accurate portrayal of what my own situation with one of my parents just stole my entire soul. Yeah I got a bit of tears about to come out, BUT NOPE! NOT TODAY! I don't ever cry during shows or movies so if I ever get teary-eyed, YOU DID SOMETHING. THAT SOMETHING BEING GOOD. This episode was emotional and connected with me on a deep level that I dont think any film has ever done to me, which is weird because I've been actively trying to find one, any one that does. Then to find it in an indie company from a creator who has achieved the dreams that I myself want to one day? That's fucking amazing.

FORESHADOWING! FROESHADOWING! FORESHADOWING! VAGGIE EX-ANGEL THEORY MUST BE CANON AND IF ITS NOT I WILL TEAR MYSELF LIMB FROM LIMB WITH A CROWBAR. LETS GO TO HEAVENNN!!! TOMORROW! BECAUSE THE DAY I PUBLISH THIS WILL BE TOMORROW(FOR YOU TODAY) BUT TOMORROW FOR YOU ILL POST THE NEXT WHAT I CAUGHT SHENANIGANS AGAIN! SEE YA!

[pannotian]

are you one of those people that do(or did) carry around a sketchbook with you all of the time?

the way you draw people is so fluid and captures so much weight/form so simply. (especially in your sketches). like the way you draw everyone is so satisfying (that one steph sketch to the left of the tim/steph one you redrew is sooooo satisfying to me.

i keep trying to find a way to ask how you learned to draw that way (i know the answer is by drawing a lot)… but… how did you learn to draw people?

(ps what music do you like bc i am curious)

I used to carry around a sketckbook but I stopped because I pulled it out once in a blue moon. I was way too shy about it, like nobody careeess.

And thank you this is all very lovely to hear🙈🙈👼tumblr is like the only place I share my art cuz irl all my friends that would care to look are also artists and I'm scaredd, so hearing any praise is like angels singing.🫶 (Way more under the cut)

As for the way I learned to draw people- you are right, one of the main steps was by drawing alot, but other things defo count. One thing that majorly improved my anatomy and posing was studying proportions. Like 8 heads is the whole body and all its sectionings. I had one youtube tutorial that changed my life but I can't find it rn.

Another thing was drawing something very quickly. I take a picture or pause a video and draw that pose in around 60 seconds. That helped with establishing the key forms and lines of a body. And even when you're not drawing quickly, use a ref it helps so much. The human body has so many little details that are only visible from some angles that help elevate art.

And copying peoples style or drawings. Obvi dont trace but everybody knows that. My style is influnced by alot of people or things I see. I had Alot of influence from vapmberry(ig), underwaterlad(ig), nikola čižmešija, and I used to copy berthe morisot painting for class which eventually started reflecting in my pencil sketches.+ many more I forgot

Also comics really helped me evolve cuz everytime I read a comic its full of possible references and inspiration(good or bad depends). Seeing professional artists and how they portray a charecter or charecters interacting is very useful.

And draw big!!!!! Had the horrible but predictable art phase where all my sketches were so small, it's only going to set you back!!!!@@ im still fighting to draw a decent size.

Another thing- draw things that aren't human bodies. I'm lazy on this one but understanding form, perspective, shadows, and light on things like cubes, circles, or any object really can massively help. Also learning other things is nice. It's helpful in the long run.

Tldr: draw alot(🙄🙄 sry), study anatomy, draw quick, use refs, take inspo/copy, draw big (+draw things which ur not even interested in)

Also❕️❕️❕️❕️I am no pro this is not fact this is what I did. Somebody out there could prob explain this better and give better advice but oh well.

As for music thank yew for asking! Currently obsessed with baxter dury and animal collective. But my 4lifers are fka twigs, smashing pumpkins, massive attack, dean blunt and bar italia. Tell me urs😇😇😇

This was great to hear and I'm happy to explain or help further. Ur art itself is great and very inspired.

[mushroomjeremy]

I have been holding on to this design for a little while now. Thinking about how best to deliver how I changed the character and if I did enough.

I really want to get to clearing my 'to post' folder out. So I guess its better now than never.

This is Dr. Jair Shimmer a rewrite for SCP 963. Ignore that this is almost the exact same design in my Clight artwork; I liked the design so I kept it.

His main gimmick is that he study cursed object not just 963. He wears many curse object regardless of moral or ethical reasons against it. His office is chalk full of them, enter at your own caution.

SCP 963 isnt to much changed from base one, only thing is the souls in the amulet can be retrieve. Very hard thing to do and Shimmer needs to do that action all on there own and he kinda does not care to do that.

I do want to make more bodies for Shimmer but Im very busy and Im scared to draw women.

Past Keep Reading is just headcanons (do I even call them that at this point?)

The amulet is made of out silver, Red Beryl/Bixbite, and different colored sapphires.

While I am using He/Him in this post, Shimmer is a genderfluid, pansexual, panromantic with any pronouns as long as your not taking the piss out of him

Despite shipping war, Shimmer is with Glass, Clef, and Kondraki. Sometime all at once.

He use to be cautious around cursed objects, but after 963 he started to become reckless knowing he'd always come back after the Foundation found him

963 works a little differently on how is possess someone. All it needed was an initial soul trap and the next person to pick it up will be possessed. If Shimmer kills themselves the curse is kinda broken, he would just be in the amulet and the next person to pick it up is the knew host.

So Able is out of the story.

Shimmer just touched it and became the host.

How he found out about SCP 963 abilities is a informant apart of a different GoI stabbed him in the back cause they thought Shimmer was getting to close to figuring out why they were in the Foundation in the first place

Shimmer went to Deer College to get a degree in Magic and Curses

Shimmer can see, read, and understand magic in objects and crystals but he himself is not a wizard/witch/Type Blue/ect.

He's a lot calmer here with a stern voice, though he still tells jokes when he feel in danger. Force of habit.

I wanted to keep this as I think it gives some good worldbuilding to the Foundation daily life. He does facilitate a betting ring for literally anything. You could put a bet on if the kitchen will be destroyed in the next breach or not.

Shimmer likes to see the personnel fight when bets don't go their way.

Where is Shimmer get money to pay back people? Who knows.

Shimmer has yet to see the gravity of immortality. He's in the phase of getting sick of dying but still careless with his bodies and "clones."

Oh yeah the Clones! How the amulet after a month could be taken off and put on another person? Well the Foundation uses that to their benefit instead of killing them. More bodies that can work on higher clearance levels stuff.

Shimmer can take of the amulet before the end of the month and still retain his body.

I also wanted to keep the Personnel Director position. I like him having all the information on the Personnel of the Sites he is place in. It could cause tension between characters if they fine out about Shimmer knowing those things or it could show how much they care about friends with this information. Example for both: Clef

I want to do the rest of the Family as well but its still a wip. But I will say I wanted to explore ableism as a defining problem for the family in its dysfunction

If I remember or figure out anymore I'll come back here maybe.

[a-b-riddle]

Hey, i hope you've had a good day so far/will have a good day. And i hope you get better soon <3

Im sorry if this is considered trauma dumping and if u wanna ignore this, totally understandable ! Im just very very lost and idk what to do so i thought it wouldn't hurt to ask for advice ?

Im about to be 25 y/o in july and ive only had one relationship (circa 2019) that lasted a year and then fizzled out (i found out later that it was bcz i was getting cheated on) and I haven't met anyone or connected with anyone ever since. I moved into a new city too after finishing university and i have no friends or social circle in this new town (i still keep in contact with my friends from my old city but it kinda feels like every relationship i have is slowly dying) and i feel like I'm stuck in this limbo place where no matter how much i try i always feel like life is passing by infront of my eyes and i haven't lived it yet (idk if that makes sense) so i was wondering if you have any advice how get out this mindset ?

Thank you for at least reading this if u did, im sorry if i triggered you or if i burdened you with my feelings, and i wish you all the best ❤️

I met my now fiance a little under four weeks before I turned 25. Before him, I had gotten my heart broken and I was just done with hooking up with someone and expecting more, but that meant not being in the same phase as my friends who still wanted that.

When we started dating I had to come to face the hard reality that not all of my friendships were healthy and not everyone I was friends with were people I should have in my life for more than a season. So I had to sit and take a hard look at my life. Keep these college friends I've had for almost four years... Or start from scratch?

So starting from scratch, I started with one person. My fiance. I liked him. I respected his morals and his ethic. I loved how kind he was to others and always the one to lend a hand. So with him, I made friends with his friends and their girlfriends. Because my fiance was a good person, he often kept the same company.

So with him I found people that I could see having in our lives for more than just a season. Through loss and triumphs. To celebrate and to grieve with.

Now I'm using my fiance just as an example, but you don't need a romantic partner to do this. You can start with one person. And even if it doesn't go beyond that, you still have a person. You still made one new connection with another soul that you wouldn't have done before.

My dad found his own community with his coworkers. My mom found hers with those who have lost a child. My sister found hers in cosplay. My other sister found hers with those who had the same area of study. I found friends through a facebook group that loved the ACOTAR series that lived in my major city. I found one of my closest friends on bumble bff.

Unfortunately, relationships are the hardest things in life we will ever have to work for because it's not just about creating them, but maintaining them, and enriching them with personal experiences to help them grow. We just assume since they had come so easily when we were in tight knit circles like high school and college they come easily.

But as adults, we have to find new ways to engage and that is a scary thing to do when it's not something we've done before. So the first step to stop existing and start living is to connect.

Volunteer. Join clubs. Reach out. Engage. As someone who has a constant fear of being rejected, it is terrifying. But the worst thing anyone can ever say to you is no. The world won't stop. You'll survive it. Buy from it, you move on.

Another recommendation I have is to listen to The Last Lecture.

It is an hour long, but the ending always gets me. Basically lecturers at Carnegie Mellon would give "last lectures." It was the last lecture they would give working in academics at the university. When asked what his Last Lecture would be about Professor Randy Pausch basically said, "funny you should ask. I have pancreatic cancer and have about six months left so this really is my last lecture."

[uhardite]

I feel very disconected like , when I was young I want to be a pilot, fashion designer, actor, dancer, so many , a ceo but now in my 20s I'm feeling to much lost. When I was young thought I'll be adult and fix my family but no....., I felt so lost I can't even dream beautiful things. No sleep, no money, no talent, no friends. Living with a family to hear everyday fights.

hey there anonie, im sorry to hear what you are going through right now. it sounds like things have been really overwhelming for you for a while. more power to you ♡

in my opinion, feeling lost in your 20s is the initial step in getting closer to understanding yourself and your purpose. a lot of people go through phases like this, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

whenever i feel like im not doing enough or being enough in life, i like to remind myself that i dont owe the world anything. something about the thought is very freeing because then it takes the load off your shoulders to be a certain way or do certain things, and just exist.

it’s perfectly alright if you’re not where you thought you’d be yet, because dreams evolve and so do people. the reason you are feeling like this right now may be because you are static state, i.e., you are not experiencing any changes in lifestyle or environment, because change forces people to evolve, and lack of change creates stasis, boredom, anxiety, and so on.

all i can say is sit tight and trust the process, devote time to working on yourself, maybe rediscover old projects that you might have started in the past and left off, or do yourself tiny acts of service such as listening to old loved music or getting back into a past hobby. give yourself the space to not have everything figured out, because that in turn will create space for you to start figuring things out.

try journaling or shadow work, you can get a set of prompts off pinterest, sit down with some good music and try to write in your journal based on those prompts. even if it doesnt help with how you are feeling at the moment, it will definitely help in getting things off your mind. often, the key to not overthinking is to getting those thoughts out of your system, and journaling is a great way to do that.

also, i’m here for you, so if you ever need to talk, just drop a message or another anonymous ask in the inbox. id also love to get updates and know what worked for you, so feel free to hmu <33

[lottiepumpkinofficial]

Day 8

Chap’s 21, 22, 23

ahh i know we’re only doing a few chapters a day but it feels like were simultaneously going so fast and also taking our time, it’s mad to me that we’re in the 20s now but i usually read up in less than a day

for lottie, someone who couldn’t necessarily afford fancy things when she was younger to get a bursary to rosewood where she would (i assume) be getting very fancy free food available 24/7, and then on top get a job where not only would she be getting paid, but she would also have all travel, clothes and non term time food just arranged for her?? that’s huge- like she essentially would never have to pay for anything essential, and would be able to buy other things she wanted too

“‘when you inevitable have to tell everyone that you’re, in fact, not the princess of Maradova’” let me just cry now thinking about how that happens

“‘we have to promise no more secrets’” that aged badly

it makes me so sad that lottie immediately wants to impress jamie, her self esteem in book 1 in general makes me really sad. especially as someone who really relates to lottie, and since i’ve done a lot of work to improve my self esteem it just breaks my heart when her go to attitude is to impress others as if they’re all inherently better than her

onto part two!

ahhh the insomnia phase. weirdly enough this is one of my favourite parts of all the books. it just seems to capture the everyday life, making it feel really beautiful while showing us it’s not perfect. idk something about it gets me

ellie waking up extra early despite not being a morning person just to keep lottie company is one of the sweetest things she does in these books

oooh a big juicy bit of foreshadowing with claude

i love that lottie has such a childish wonder about her- even with everything that goes on in her life she still gets so excited about things and doesn’t deny her inner child joy (this is also one of the reasons i think she’s neurodivergent, not that this is indicative of a diagnosis, just a common trait)

okay i know we talk about it but we’re all still sleeping on japhael- “like Ellie, this was the first friend outside the Maravish family that Jamie had ever made.” i know friends can be friends, but to compare their friendship, to the very already romantically coded ‘friendship’ of ellie and lottie almost sets it up for us

lottie you should know better than to think jamie doesn’t know everything

‘little princess’ this nickname makes me very emotional every time

hehehe october time, i love autumnal descriptions in books

PUMPKIN BREAD AND WHITE MOCHA omg the library cafe snacks sound the best i have to make this at some point (fun fact if you don’t know me- i love baking, and cinnamon, and autumn and i’m rambling okay don’t ever get me started on autumnal snacks if you want me to be quiet)

nonononono not the ellie saskia crush pls no it’s almost worse to me than chapter 16 i hate it

ani so hates the ellie saskia thing as well, i’m with you ani, keep being a hater

princess and the pea- boom- ani understands lottie so well - she loves a fairytale themed hint

“‘Lottie, why didn’t you tell me?’” how’s the no secrets going for you lottie

ugh i hate that saskia tutors lottie but at the same time i adore it bc i love saskia

actually i wanna ramble about saskia. she’s one of my favourite characters, and i love her so much, but the way she acts at the start of book 1??? flirting with another girl right in front of her girlfriend?? come on. i know they’re having their issues, but her whole thing is she’ll do anything for ani, except clearly not flirt with other girls. maybe im being a bit harsh, she’s only 15, but if you’re old enough to be in a terrorist organisation, you’re old enough to not flirt with other people when you’re in a monogamous relationship

[imaginespazzi]

Bestie bestie bestie!

Hello :) Where to even begin after so much time.. I guess first I'll note that my last anon to you is starred below just so we can follow the thread of last convo somewhat (and honestly just wanted to ensure you knew I at one point wrote in over you hiatuses)..

Ok on to more new stuff: Biggest news is Im off to the wifeys motherland (ironic a bit as I believe shes currently playing in my fatherland). I'll report back on food a day drink 😋 ca va?

Yay Liberty, they did it! 🗽Plenty of kudos to the Lynx as well. Was a great series all around. Even if my nerves barely withstood those overtimes & dramatic endings.

Coaching movement in the W continues to make my head spin. OMG the Thibaults are gone, didnt see that coming tbh! I remain seated for all the hirings/happenings to come. And cant believe we're almost to the lottery selection w still so much upheaval in place 🤯

Hope all is well w you despite lifes busyness. Take care

** Hi hi hi bestie! Yes that anon was me ha. I realized after sending that I left of my emoji signature, but was pretty sure youd connect things, given some hyper specific topics ha. Hope life is treating you alright apart from just being busy!

Im personally just relieved that the Libs managed to even things up last night, while still trying to process the 2nd half & OT of game 1 lol. That one was all just absolutely bonkers. Crazy entertaining, even if it hurt my NY supporting heart at the time.

When it comes to the coaching moves, def in agreement that Indy doesnt deserve good things. What do you make of who the Valks named HC? Seems a good hire to me at a quick glance, but Im also leery of anyone who might be involved w the Aces lawsuit ordeal (tbf Im not super well informed on that, but dont believe Ive ever seen her referenced w that stuff). Yeah objectively I dont feel that a (random) late winning run/playoff push, external circumstances w the standings aside, was worth dropping your odds of getting #1/Paige from like 30 to 10 %. Still struggle to understand why they ended up trying to fight the path that established itself early on. Granted kind of unexpected and extreme circumstances, but still, lemons to lemonade if you will. Im not feeling eager for the draw next month..

Honestly it will be interesting now to see/follow any Liz activity while she hits the offseason as college ball starts up soon. Curious to see if any crumbs or reactions come up at all. W those two seeming to be at an avoidance phase, another college wbb couple needs to step up and provide us w some (non toxic) drama to follow over the season ha! Not you tho Pazzi, you stay lovely/wholesome/stable/healthy

One additional GH note - I obvi live for snark, so wanted to share my fav lines from Ch 10

“Won’t somebody please think about the complications” Jana in full menace mode and so funny. "I mean other than the woman you married as well that is" The fact that Azzi will not ever say her name I just love. I also have this idea that Stephie, when older and knows pretty much everything re her parents history, will continue the she who shall not be named thing in support of her mama. (And Im not entirely discounting the possibility of a bit of real time drama w Olivia that wont help w this whole Azzi grudge).

Wishing you a good start to the week!! -☕️ **

Hi hi lovely I missed you <3

Ah babes that must have gotten lost in my sea of asks because I've been so bad about answering them. It's funny how much has change since whenever you sent that thought because the W has become a revolving door of coaching changes.

I really like the Valks HC choice. She's been very effective with the LVAces and I expect that to continue. Same with the recent news we go today of Tyler Marsh with the Sky. I think LVAces coaching staff in general is so strong and them branching off is good for the league and both the Valks and the Sky with these coaches and a little bit of time for player development should eventually be really good. Ultimately the lawsuit is a front office issue and I don't think these two had much to do with it and so until I see issues in their new respective teams, I don't think we can hold it against them.

LIBERTYYYYYYY. So happy for them and of course props to the Lynx. And honestly thank you to both teams for giving us what I think, despite that one foul, is the greatest W finals we've ever had.

THE THIBAULTS ARE GONE. You were one of the first people I thought of when I saw that news. Honestly I have no idea what to think. I really didn't see it coming and as much as I've done a lot of nepo baby this nepo baby that, I don't necessarily know if this is the right choice but I'll wait to see who they appoint as the head coach to really figure out my thoughts.

Lottery in 2 weeks?? What the actual hell? Like y'all we're likely gonna know where Paige is going before we even see Azzi on the court and that's insane to me.

OOOOH I have some CWBB drama if anyone wants it. Did y'all peep Last-Tear's Poa's shady insta caption she deleted? Her and Sam'yah Smith were a thing and streets are saying maybe she cheated?

Pazzi are being wholesome as always. "Silly girl" - what if I jump off a cliff :)

[starfruit-baby]

What is the difference between Leo Manfred and Gavin Reed in your opinion? Like, why do you think Leo is worthy of redemption and not Gavin?

I don't like Gavin, and I didn't like Leo either, but your posts are making me think

in retrospect, i guess 'redeemable' wasnt the right word and im sorry for using it, since technically, as far as canon is concerned, we never see concrete proof he truly sees androids as equals, much less regrets any harm done by his own hands and words. right now i think the word i could use would be "sympathetic", since what we CAN do is walk through his backstory, and connect the dots from his life to his current thinking, even if it doesn't necessarily excuse his actions, far from even. by now im gonna be talking from an utterly biased perspective so its not quite set in stone, im prone to fucking up what is or isnt canon or weighing in personal judgement from My preferences, so just a heads up, but going a little more into it:

like, putting yourself in his shoes, he was a child of a fling, and his rich father although comfortable enough to openly claim him, did not bother to visit him personally until he was a teenager, an already difficult phase for the average person, only to be met with scorn because by this time in his life, he found solace in the wrong crowd and vices. and from this point on trying to get closer to his father is useless because of something so difficult to change in yourself.

and then, once disabled, Carl gets a machine to help him around, which is normal at this point in time. but, as the game makes it seem at least, carls whole behaviour changes gradually, because he talks to markus, and this angry (at least as far as Leo is aware), pessimistic old man is caught smiling, because of this machine. he chats with it. and now, hes walking into his father guiding this thing into his fathers very passion. this, as far as Leo is concerned, common object, a household facility like a toaster, is getting lessoned proudly by his father, who loses all the shine in his eyes once he walks in, goes back to his sarcastic, bitter old tone, and will grow aggressive if you even speak ill of the thing. and, later on, Carl talks about his own son as if he's not there in the room, ordering around his toaster to deal with you as if to not get his hands dirty. dirty with You being in his way. his own blood.

now, again, does this excuse his behavior? nope. even in the belief that Markus is truly an unfeeling object, at the very last moment before Markus is forced to decide between obeying or not, he starts referring towards Markus as something that could be physically hurt, and emotionally provoked. where previously his mockery of Markus felt more about provoking his father, not addressing Markus directly, the time he decides to pick a fight with Markus he's talking TO him. hes speaking as if this theoretically unfeeling being could either fear or be angry at him (which turns out, he can), but its difficult to tell if hes under some sort of influence or not, or if this egging on is still in part more to dash back his frustrations at Carl in a less direct manner. his love for the old man stops him from wanting to lay a hand on him, but he knows with how clear the guy makes it he cares for this android, how he yells, itll still inflict Something to tear this thing apart.

now, i may be wrong here, and im real sorry if i sound like a douche for it, but i dont personally consider too much the actors headcanons as full canon, and Gavins background according to the game is really uh... unclear? i can understand how people get to the conclusion his workplace ambition is what makes him hate androids, hell do Anything to get to the top, but a lot of what people attribute as being the motivation behind it i find kinda... idk, circumstancial? im not saying improbable, but my post was more about how people latched on to him when theres way less explanation and even content to him than Leo does? my last guess is that people plain and simple found him sexier than Leo

from My perspective, the closest we get to a Leo redemption is if Carl dies, and he comes across Markus mourning his father as well. the first time i saw this i thought there would be a fight, that he would scream and yell that it was all Markus' fault, even when he knows it wasnt, how dare this fucking thing even show itself in a cemetary. but he just... looks on. in shock. what he deemed something slightly above a glorified toaster is there, when he shouldnt even be. the fruits of his fathers time invested in this android. in his bonding. this thing that shouldve been dismantled in a junkyard somewhere, completely useless, now overwhelming the news talking about civil rights. and this is where he gets it. this thing understands the concept of grief, its clearly feeling it. Markus looks sad. a cold and calculating machine would understand theres no point in visiting a stone with some decaying corpse underneath it, death is final. wouldnt bother making the time to visit this unremarkable place while its on the brink of raging a war. but it did. the same as he was about to do. fucked up

on an alternate where Carl survives, most of what Leo says goes more towards the favor of his father than mentioning the android. we dont know if he knows anything of what happened with Markus at all, so its hard to draw a conclusion, but the game certainly feeds some hope that after this horrible event they can mend back. he promises to do what he can to get rid of what, as far as he knows, is what truly keeps Carl from loving him. no more ugly addiction. who knows, maybe theres a chance for growth. maybe if he really wants to, Leo could give in to seeing Markus as something equal, if thats what would make his dad not hate him.

and, with Gavin... he either leaves on a corny joke, beats up Connor, or gets beaten up. which i certainly see the appeal of, but definitely doesnt scream "no longer sci-fi racist"/"only mildly, acceptably sci-fi racist" to me, but to each their own

[single-malt-scotch]

regarding thoughts on secret life mechanics

SO there are a lot more mechanics going on this season than i realized bc not all of it was mentioned. ill list out what i know/heard:

the tasks, of course. you complete it and you get: 10 hearts and/or rare items. if you have enough room for the 10 hearts, you dont get items. its like an overflow. if you dont finish your task nothing happens. if you fail the task you lose 10 hearts. you can role for a harder task which gives more hearts (? 20?)

you have 30 hearts for each life. imo better to phrase it as you have 30 hearts for each phase-- green is 1, yellow is 2, red is 3. you cannot regen.

you can gift one heart only one time per session.

you can enchant anything with whatever enchant and whatever level, no limits (but no helmets as always)

i have not watched every pov and only heard this from martyn's so correct me if i explained this one wrong: you can get mob eggs, which allow you to make a spawner out of them?

thats... every one that i know of and boy thats so much more than i thought. for the last one, i saw mumbo get an egg but i just thought it was a one off spawn and a rare item from the secret keeper.

most of my criticism for the Life series comes from mechanics because its what ultimately makes the season feel good. it directs how ppl play and act.

third life was exactly what it needed to be for a first season- simple.

LL brought in an active threat, and proper desperation (boogeys were killing and made it hard to trust, more lives with the ability to gift meant getting for more in order to stay alive).

While while DL wasnt at the top of my list after 3L and LL its concept was still simple and they didnt add more to complicate what was already a tough concept to handle-- two players health tied to each other.

limlife is where i started to feel a little off with the mechanics and how it made people play. it was just one new thing (like DL) with just the boogey again, otherwise it was a timer controlling life. its cool but that concept was too complicated imo and even from a technical view it was a bit broken/hard to manage. it was a strong force to make people kill but the consequences of dying got a bit too intense, and the behavior become chaotic to where the killing methods were insanely op. it was imo, hard to follow once the numbers got too low and things were just going back and forth of losing and gaining time.

now we are on SL and i know we are only one episode in so im not hating on it- just observing this series of mechanics... the new mechanics are tasks, giving one heart per person, 30 hearts w no regen, and these spawn egg things (armor enchants are not a mechanic exactly just an adjustment). this is sooooo much stuff!! i was really hoping it would just be 30 no regen hearts and maybe one other thing. because i already feel like the gifting one heart this is kind of pointless? one heart? thats like. nothing. i have little knowledge on this spawn egg stuff but i am trying to understand why its a thing, if its a task thing i think its still kind of unnecessary?? idk.

imo this season should have had one of the things: 30 hearts w no regen (w 3 life phases) or just the tasks (with some kind of tie to lives, but not the former mentioned). honestly the task thing as cool as it is, starts to make this all feel more convoluted when it starts to stack up with more and more. i dont feel like we're focused on the system of limited lives as much and its because the way you gain and lose lives becomes more complicated and in many cases the gaining and losing of hearts is so.... quick? you dont seem to stay on one of those phases for very long before you manage to get back up, there isnt really a limit of saying "nope! you cant have more!" like there was for LL when people who had another life were losing them and eventually ppl had no one to ask for more, and boogey's didnt make you gain more either ya know? Limlife let you gain more time but youd die and lose some, but then go right back and get more, with no limit to it. now, you gain a whole ten hearts which seems like way too much? and you can again just do more tasks to get more hearts without anything stopping you.

the point of this series imo is the intensity of having no way or very limited ways to get more lives and in the end, facing the fact you cannot get out of your red life. 3L kept it simple, LL made sure to stop you at some point, and DL just made it a little different but was basically the same as 3L. i think this is kind of my consensus on whats already making me unsure of this season.

[kiddosaurus]

(hi im so sorry i wanted to just agree with a point you made and then wrote a full rant feel free to ignore me/delete this ask)

I definitely agree about the average age feeling like it's dropping (I also think that's just the Internet as a whole, coming from someone who literally got their first tumblr account at 11. also think it's because kids don't lie about their ages as much anymore, like I was lying until I was at least 15 and still vague about it until I turned 18) and part of me gets a little concerned by it? like yeah, I definitely showed interest in things like agere once I hit puberty age but most of my actual age regressing/dreaming I've only done since I was 16 when I had gotten past the initial wave of that

maybe it's the old age (I'm literally 18 lol) but I do worry when I see super young people in this community about the effects that regressing may have on them and their future development? or at least when I see 13-14 year olds post saying they're looking for cgs like I get so scared some weirdo is going to see it and use it as an opportunity to gain some power over them or gain their trust because the kid is too young to be able to realise what's happening

i hope it's alright for me to respond to this, just lmk if you want me to delete this reply

i feel a lot of what you're saying tbh. i still try to be understanding towards the super young folks, as i myself was super young when i first discovered the agere community, but idk. i was 12 at the time, but my situation was fairly odd compared to most folks (at that point i was already well into puberty, and there were times where i was involuntarily regressing from stress and trauma long before i knew what agere was, and finding the community helped me put a name to my experiences), so even then it's still hard to understand a lot of the youngest people in the community now, as the reasons for them getting into it are VASTLY different than any of my own. im only a couple months short of 18, and it never fails to shock me how old this stuff makes me feel :')

i DEFINITELY agree on the whole thing about worrying over possible issues with development and safety, though. i do feel like there's a (for lack of a better way to describe it) "honeymoon phase" for a lot of young teens discovering something like this that makes them happy and helps them cope, where they put a huge focus on it in a ton of aspects of their life, and that's something they just gotta get outta their system before they start to even things out. however, i definitely worry about development for kids who don't seem to learn how to balance agere with the rest of their life; any coping mechanism (including the healthy ones) can become unhealthy if it takes over your life in ways that cause repeated stress or harm, which seems to be the case for a lot of young folks discovering agere.

the whole cg safety thing is valid too. seeing so many 13-14 year olds giving out tons of personal info to strangers in hopes that they'll find a cg that they've never even talked to always makes me anxious. i don't think there's anything wrong with them wanting someone like that in their lives, and i think there are ways to kind of explore that while still staying safe, but the way people actually go about it is worrying. like... when i was young and discovering agere, at least there were plenty of adults in the community who made an effort to teach younger folks how to stay safe with stuff like this, but that doesn't seem to be as much of a thing anymore since the demographic has shifted to be so young as a whole and there are way more teens than adults. 2017-2018 was a very different time compared to 2023.

im sorry that this reply got so long, this whole thing has just been on my mind and it's nice hearing someone who at least understands part of what im saying

[kawaiibunnora]

A Parents Has One Job

It is not to mold your child into the smartest/most athletic/most talented child.

It is not to make sure they end up in a stable, well paying career.

It is not to project your wants on to them.

No, the sole job of a parent is to help your child grow into the person they want to be. Not who you want them to be; not what you think they want to be; not what they used to want to be; but what they want to be right now.

I'm gonna go on a rant to help explain. If you don't care then u can stop here ig idk I don't control u.

When I was younger I was a gifted kid. I was seen as a math savant, and it helped that I loved doing it. I spent my free time making power points about multiplying binomials and the parts of the brain in 5th grade. Because of all this, my parents built an identity for me in their heads: MATH. Now, don't get me wrong, I still love math and learning, but I'm much less passionate about it now; and yet, my Dad continues to push me towards MIT and being an engineer. In his mind, I'm still the little math-loving kid; and while that is still a part of me, I've changed and grown into so much more since then.

I know it comes from a source of love, but this is an example of two parenting mistakes. 1) Pushing your child into a path that they are no longer (or never were) interested in, and 2) Refusing to recognize that your child changes as they grow up.

I now want to pursue many different paths and see where life takes me, be it music, business, math, teaching, design, etc. And, luckily, both my parents are supportive of choice to explore who I want to be (even if my Dad is more vocal about his concerns than necessary).

The point is: I've changed over the years and have my own desires and goals. Let me follow those rather than forcing me to follow yours.

Also, as a parent, you need to let your kid go though phases.

I never went through an emo phase or a punk phase or anything like that, but that doesn't mean I don't have A LOT to talk about.

CHILDREN GO THROUGH PHASES. THAT'S LIFE. Let your kids explore who they want to be, who they want to be around, how they dress, etc. As long as they aren't getting hurt or hurting anyone else what is the issue?? "They'll be seen as weird or cringy" Ok. Let them. I know it's hard to let go of that concern for them, but if your child feels happiest being "cringe", fuckin let them. "They'll start hanging around the wrong crowd" 2 things with this one. 1) Let go of your prejudice. Especially if the "wrong crowd" is a group where the defining factor is harmless (ex: punk music). 2) Educate them about the things that ARE harmful. Drugs, Alcohol, Vaping, Smoking, Sex. EDUCATE THEM. Because if you don't, the world will.

And im not talking about being like "Drugs are bad and sex is bad the end" no I mean tell them WHY. "Drugs can be addictive and can lead to extremely serious health risks. Unsafe sex can lead to the transmission of STDs, infections, and unwanted pregnancies; even oral sex can transmit diseases like Herpes. With this being said, if you still choose to do anything sexual with someone else, always use protection and clean the areas before and after to reduce the chance of disease."

This will be an EXTREMELY uncomfortable talk, but it's also EXTREMELY important.

Anyways, where was I?

OH YEA let your kid go through phases, and them hang out with people they feel happy and comfortable with. Oh and don't just allow it, but support it. Allowing it is great and is already better than a lot of parents but supporting it is even better, even if you dont understand it. Why? Because your child is growing and trying new things to see what fits and what doesnt. Especially in the beginning of a phase, your child may not have a lot of support from other people, so immediate support from you is so so so important in keeping your child from falling into a very bad mental space. It also shows them that you support them and love them no matter how they express themselves, which will make them feel more comfortable being themselves around you.

idk where else to put it, so I'll put it here. A lot of transphobic parents (like my dad) justify their transphobia by saying "it's just a phase", so they don't support it. And while, no, it is not a phase for most people, including kids, so what if it is? How is it any different from going through an emo phase?

Once, my dad saw I had a skirt in the washing machine, and he said "You're no out of that phase yet?" with very obvious shame and disappointment in his voice. That made me feel like shit, and reminded me of how he doesn't (and never will) accept me. But it also made me think "Even if it was a phase, why would you not support your own child who is struggling to find their place in the world?"

Who cares if they change their mind later on. Guess what? now they know for sure that that life wasn't for them. Allowing kids to go through phases broadens their horizons, increases their empathy, and helps them find out who THEY are.

Anyways I think I kinda lost the thread a few times in there. oh well. i doubt any parents are reading this anyways, but if you are, love and support your kid. They probably need it more than you know.

[parkjayssi]

heyy I'm Luna! My favourite color is Black, purple. Can you tell me about me and my favourite character's future or outcome together? My fav character is Kenma from haikyuu and rindou from tokyo revengers. (Choose any of them) Thank you!

Here's your exchange:

im choosing geto for you, he seems beet for you among them. I think you may meet him when you were going through an upside down phase in your life, too much stress, lack of time and money probelms to the point you won't know who you are. I see lots of paperworks scattered all over the floor. Water tab is on but you are careless. You are tired of keeling balance in your life. But suddenly he would come to you for help. I mean we all know he hates humans and calls them monkey why would he go for you? Well it was for purely work purposes. He wanted you on his team since you were done with humans as much as him he felt like maybe you could understand him. And together you both gained lots of things. Money wasn't a probelm. But there could be some conflict, since he's someone who works thinking about it for too long and you are very impulsive when it comes to some things. He might try to dominate you in some situation and you hate being dominated by someone else. At the end your past life cycle might come back again and it will start all over again. Trying to balance but can't and geto will redo everything from the start. The outcome may hurt you both in the process but it will be worth it.

thank you for joining and the reading! i honestly cannot see myself with geto if he would've been real cus he's quite manipulative, but then again, i love his character hahaha. i still find this as a very interesting take nonetheless so very thankful for your reading. anyways i'll be doing kenma for you (haikyuu! is literally my comfort anime)

YOUR STORY: the dynamic and your fate cards pulled : the empress, 8 of wands, queen of wands (rx)

ooh, seems like you got lucky with kenma because they totally have romantic feelings for you. kenma saw your nurturing qualities and definitely felt that "you're the one" for him. i sense intense attraction from the start, love at first sight, to be precise. also you both could meet at a place like a cafe, i'm seeing cat cafe, but that's probably because kenma resembles a cat. okay, with 8 of wands, you have the same level of energy matching him, falling for him immediately. you both may take the relationship a bit too fast and start dating after like, two dates. i also see both of you finding comfort in each other. soul family perhaps? this could be a holiday romance because i see both of you meeting each other at a time where you both are relaxing and enjoying your vacation. the last card actually suggests you both to take things slow, because one of you just healed from something and need some time to yourself. also, OPEN COMMUNICATION! IS A BIG FACTOR HERE! as long as this problem is addressed and you both are openly communicative with your needs, this may go well for the both of you. hope you liked your reading! please provide me feedback if you can. that helps a lot with increasing the quality of my readings

[alienaiver]

Hi Nohr, I hope I'm not being rude for asking but I read you have ARFID? What is it like for you? I think I may have it but Im afraid of 'self diagnosing' and being judged 😖

hiii sweetheart! ✨ youre not being rude at all, im very open about my issues and stuff, so ill be happy to talk to u about it !! (if u also wanna rant or open up abt ur situation more privately u can go off anon (if ur comfortable) and ill reply privately or thru dm's <3)

and yep, ive had arfid my entire life. its been different things that have been safe foods at different periods of my life !!

im putting the rest under a read more bcos i go into detail of my current restricted diet and stuff, so if that triggers anyone, they wont be forced to see it !! its also just a bit long lmao

rn its Very bad and the only things i can get thru my mouth is crushed corn flakes, gummy bears, a specific ice cream and on/off cucumbers. like ive eaten nothing else since sunday and very little of either. anything else i try makes me gag, nauseous or can even give me meltdowns if forced to eat. im dizzy all the time rn and very frustrated about it 🙂‍↕️ its also sooo embarrassing because like ??? my dude those safe foods are literally candy? and im afraid i seem like i just do it to eat candy but its not and i feel so ashamed 😭

i AM hungry tho; i feel the hunger and the low blood sugar, so i try to eat, get clammy and/or triggered and then thats that. cant try again until ive regulated back to a calm state of mind and feel ready to try again.

i also react strongly to my roomie's food/the smell. i have to go into another room if they eat anything with a strong scent, or sit in the opposite end of the living room. luckily, theyre VERY understanding of it so they dont get offended!!!

as i said im going thru a kind of extreme phase right now, but in my usual day-to-day life theres still tons of food i can eat. when im stressed, have my period, big decisions or other life crisis my food selection instantly limits themselves.

but like normally i have at least 10-12 different safe food meals, besides my 2-3 comfort foods and am usually more willing to try new stuff and comfortable exploring new things.

my current arfid flare-up started during early summer where i started repeating the same three meals (like last year when i lived off of onigiri and ramen) ill go to great lengths to prepare and make the food that is safe but as soon as its unsafe, i dont go thru the trouble anymore; thats usually my first warning sign. i repeat few meals and feel safe eating less and less varieties.

for me its not about calories or weight restrictions; its 100% sensory input. im not afraid of having adverse reactions like allergies, i just physically LOATHE the food in my mouth, it grows as i chew it and it instantly triggers my gag reflex.

theres little else to do about it but go thru it as best as i am able, drink lots of water and then supplement with shakes of fruit and protein powder. usually my arfid is a symptom of distress, which means i have to fix the underlying issue before it goes back to normal.

you should never fear self-diagnosing in any capacity, because the only thing an 'official' diagnosis is important for is a) treatment accessibility and b) inner understanding and comfort in knowing youre not alone. in a lot of countries, assessments like these cost so much with no insurance, so theres no shame in learning and figuring out yourself.

even if you end up not 'qualifying' for an arfid diagnosis, it does nOT take away your issues around food or the validity in your search for solutions !!!!

i wish no one would get judged for any 'quirky' eating habits but i think its something - depending on what youre able to eat - you may need to face daily or weekly. i have a very understanding circle of people around me, and ive been struggling with eating since i was a kid, so many people in my circle are also just. used to it. they worry and in the past theyve tried to force me to eat by taking me to restaurants that didnt have my safe foods to entice me to eat differently which is ALWAYS humiliating (they dont do it anymore). theyve since learned that taking it into consideration is way easier for everyone, and will make for a more positive experience if they want me included in the eating part of anything social.

a way to handle it is to practice how to respond to judgy comments, and figuring out what you want to get out of those. are you interested in educating them about arfid and why it is hard for you? maybe learn and remember some facts or offer some sources to send that they can read, and that youre happy to explain your experiences (if you are). maybe youre just looking to appease the situation and make your eating a non-topic? then shut it down 'nicely' with a smile and a laugh like 'yea, i definitelt am picky ahaha'. it can feel a bit like shooting yourself down choosing that road, but if its people u know you dont want to have the discussion with/will make it uncomfortable or youre just not that interested in opening up to them, you can shut it down like that. for me, practicing a few formulated replies in case anyone comments on it, have made it way less anxiety inducing for me to join in social gatherings and feel less blindsided !! (and if i have to go out to eat somewhere new i check the menu online beforehand!)

my twin has pretty hardcore arfid too and when we were kids, a little worse than me, so in some aspects ive never really been alone with my issues or felt completely ashamed because she was going through the same thing, which in my case, was lucky. i wasnt the odd one out or the weird kid (we were the weird twins tho lmao but we had each other !!!) but im sure finding community in facebook groups or even here (with me or others) can also really help on the shame around being so picky. let me know if you have any more questions or wanna talk about ur experiences, im genuinely genuinely always up for a chat and here for anyone who needs it !!! 🥰🧡

[alternateanonymous]

So.... 06/24/2024

So. This is where I am.

I am in a weird place where i am alone. And i am like kinda ok with it, working on it, but the other part im not ok with because im dwelling and thinking of the past and the future. I need to learn to be more in the present.

I am not happy with the person I am. I am kinda dissapointed in myself for a lot of different reasons and I am not in a place where I can find love at all. I am in a dwelling and reflective place. i've needed to write an entry for a while but haven't because i lack the energy and ambition. Same thing with school and working out and the club which makes me sad.

Relating justin: there are a lot of emotions here. I don't think we'd work out, i just have a gut feeling. But i might be down to try if i was more healed but i am not but i could feel myself getting attatched. I was selfish and a little deluded when it came to you and that was at your expense because I just said i wanted to have fun. which was true but not the full truth. The truth is, i am very much not where i want to be and not in a healthy position to even be pursuing any type of relationship even if it's not even on my end. even if someones says they are waiting for me because i do not need that pressure. so, don't wait for me. i would still love to have you in my life as a friend who witnesses my transformation and i would feel like it would be sad to let you go but i understand if it's to akward and difficult for you.

Relating ryu: fuck dude, i know you really like me. but i fucked up, i had "too much fun" and crossed some boundaries I really shouldn't have and i am sorry for that. You don't deserve that and are probably very confused. I need to be more clear.

so basically, here is a life update. Starting with the break of no contact. Didn't talk with him much. talked with him here and there, went on a late night drive with him. Went to anime con with him. It was weird, could tell bro was feeling weird. everything was chill, i started missing him seriously. went on a whole ass walk, Darius came up, made out in my apartment, he met the roomies. Then he professed his love for me and i told him no and bro went all sad boy. i ended up walking around campus for like 3 hours by myself missing stefan and being sad about the darius situation. I ended up blocking him and kevin in a valient effort to move forward and create boundaries. muhsin helped me through that. That went well for about a month and i worked out, other guys told me they were intrested in me. i started getting clloser with freddy. Hung out with freddys in boston and met all his friends, and others. I dropped a whole ass albumn, one that was supposed to be for stefan but they were all bangers and i still wanted to release it but changed them all and then did. by the way. this is all in the same phase era, i don't remeber exactly which came first or what not. hosted ulaunch.

then i went to a car show after pulling an all nighter and driving around in my car. found a really cool spot and sang into the nature. I met abunch of new people, i was a yes gurl that day in my most authentic self. I ended up hanging out alot with the friends I met that day. we got close. i started hanging out with will alot more, did some real date type shit like photoshoots and getting high. p sure bro caught feelings but ended that p quicjly.went to a party with muhsin, amelia and will. Mushin did some fucked up shit and invited stedan there. really dumb. i invited them to my apartment for a party. One of them got close with me and we hung out during that party alone. He got the wrong impression, told me he liked me and i caved for the plot. I told him, no expectations but he said aight. me and that group went to a fire car show. it was fun. That's when shit really got all fucked up. I started talking with another dude about exploring my sexual side, as a purely platonic thing and because I was curious. I created an account where i posted things and got a lot of responses. then I asked him if he wanted to hookup in light of the situation for comfortability purposes, he took it the wrong way and started treating me romantically which made me feel weird but i just brushed it off when i should've addrresed it. It happened and i was super intoxicated and realy didn't want to but said fuck it imma just let it happen because im intoxicated and had a little bit of a panic attack during it. the next week passed, i didn't say anything about the occurence and he didn't either until he called me at 4 in the morning after work telling me his concerns. He felt used and betrayed because I didn't reciporcate any of those feelings or discuss the matter. He told me he didn't want to be friends. I said, i did all i could and said all i could've said. Then he texted me later saying he revokes that statement and wants to be friends. I didn't respond to him. Then that guy that told me he liked me from the party found out. Oh, by the way during all of this i was still hanging out with him and getting super close, same thing with Will, and i was also distancing myself from my previous best friend because of the breakup. Justin asked me about will and i told him. He doesn't know about the site thing. That became a whole thing as he told me Will was back talking me to his friends Shreesh and dominica. I also went to a party with justin. I didn't make out with a girl but said i did. Ya, that was dumb and shitty and i didn't think it had much weight to it but it did end up having weight. it was a whole thing trying to figure that situation out. We kinda did. Me and will hung out a lot less. Me and justin kept hanging out the same amount. Me and justin hooked up because i was super intoxicated and had it in my mind that this is just the way it;s gonna go basically doing it for the plot in a negative and toxic way. I feel like i put myself in a position to be raped, mentally and physically. Also, i hooked up with this other guy named connor. We got stuck in a field and had to be towed. he is hot but he doesn't have the vibes im looking for. also, me justin shreyas and tony all went to worcester for demo ride. it was fucking awesome. also went to a party with the club, jd was playing drums it wsa cool. went to hang with biker group after. Super fun, met a lot of people was super extroverted. Made dp dough in my party fit was fun.

Then my brithday party happened. hung out iwth freddy, julian and justin and syka. Legit one of the best hangouts ever. Brought the club and the biker gang togetyer. Oh, also throughout this period I had some of the best college expereinces with the biker group that i've ever had, so super complex. but brithday happened, i was late to my own birthday and got to wasted and emotional and then justin and ryan almost fought eachother. Both sides didn't like eachother and i was in the middle confused and sad. Also, ryan's gf pulled out of the lease which was a big fuck you and they both lied to me and saxon saying it was cheaper. I didn't trust or like ryan cuz he wanted to hear all of your woes and sorrows but didn't do shit to be there.. I feel like he has no respect for me and verbally talks down on me. But i'm still chill with him. Also, will says a lot of out of pocket and rude things to me about justin and the biker gang like, don't make out with justin, oh was the person that tried to kts from the biker group. anwys, i digress I was then told to talk with everyone about it and to distance myself from justin. Also, told julian about the site. Ended up doing sexy stuff with him too.

Then, I crashed my motorcycle. Almost died. high sided, landed on the other side of the road face down in a pile of blood. went to the hospital. parent's super mad, justin stayed with me the whole time. i got out. went to six flags a few days later, went to a 21 savage and jid concert. went on a boston trip and hiked up a rock mountain. healed, kept gettnig closer with justin but now more in a friend way. Started realized i only wanted him as a friend. hung out with will, went to boston. Had a lot of fun. Hung out with feddy and justin. They got close we went to the zoo and drove around boston. legit had a fire ass day. had them over to the apartment again, went to a brewery and got pulled over. got a massive ticket for like 300 something. went to boston, to see justin like 2 times. paid 40 for parking and then second time got a parking ticket cuz im retarted. paid 90. went to the aquarium with justin. hung out with ryu, went to fan expo. We fake proposed for fun and i kissed him. bro caught feelings. really i shouldn't have done that.

now we are in this phase, started working. now im super reflecting on the fucked shit that happened in the last... what, 3 months. bro and i broke up right before spring break which was in march. like march 17th is when it started. Holy shit bro. my job is being super insecure rn as fuck police details. Im being super reflective. im loving the cyberpunk astehtic. I'm thinking alot about my ex's, myself, watching shows, feeling super lethartic. i want to get out of this mindset but i don't know how. I can't force myself to because then i won't really do it. im lacking who i used to be. how do i change that. 5 crazy changes in the last 3 months is crazy. but yea. so basically. im also thinking about stefan and realzing how much i really did love him. i loved him a lot. the beginning was perfect until it wasn't and idk how long it's going to take for me to get over that. it's so sad. i failed myself and him, and so did he. did i loose the love of my life? no way, no way because the love of my life wouldn't do those things to me. but i lost a very very very imporant person in my life. All i can do is to keep doing better for me, because the love of my life is going to be stefan and more. much more. But i am scared that he was the love of my life and that i am not going to find someone else, and i am also still very unhealed. and if i don't heal myself and be ok then i won't find my love. so i've tried to do other things like like fictional men and etc. ya man, shits crazyyyy. but yea. im scared he was the love of my life because im super unhealed. because im super unhealed i also can't let anyone in to love me or deal with situations properly. i need to learn boundaries and learn how to truly love myself and heal myself through the peace of mind of being confident in me.

wrote this song today.

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had 

I think of the memories,

 that we both shared

Filled with exactly what i wanted and all i wished for, but those good time can’t be spared 

Because i think of the torture, the horror, the pain 

I think of the future and the way I couldn't stay 

I think of the failed pursuit of love where I tried so hard, and so did you

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had 

And i’m sad because now i was just another stepping stone 

For a broken boy to get to his goal

Of working to fix himself for his one true love 

And now i can’t get the sadness out of my mind

Of all the wasted efforts, emotions, and time 

Because now im here, and all i can say is so…..

And I tried to pick myself up from the ground

Found someone who was right and could hold me down

But because of the past, i wasn’t able to allow 

And im screaming inside cuz theres no way out 

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had.

so yea mags. you got this. take this time of reflection. its ok. after this period of reflection. use it to slowly boost yourself to become the person you want to be. you want to be reia. be her, it's ok. yea, i have 3 sides. reia, vali and mags. lol, it's cringey don't judge. I have made Neo the love of my life right now lol. it's ok to have fun with thinking about love, just don't dwell on it to much. you are also deeply connected with the sun, eternal sunshine baby. you got this. keep reflecting, it's ok. Know that you have the energy in you somewhere. it's just harder to access right now. so accommodate to that and adapt. you got it maggie

[ithisatanytime]

Wicca Phase Springs Eternal - “Now That It's Dark” (Official Audio)

 i just want to say that its also the timing, for fear of appearing literally schizophrenic i dont document everytime i see them making moves specifically based on what ive literally JUST figured out for myself and shared publicly the night before. i dont think that the television is talking to me specifically, or that my cat is possessed by the ghost of st paul and hes commanding i kill taylor swift, i merely have seen numerous numerous very specific examples where i will offer up some idea or some take that i have literally NEVER seen anyone type nor heard anyone mutter before, and within hours or the following morning, threads dealing with that very specific thing. i have been harrassed online, but more, i have been harrassed in real life, only once that i NOTICED, but they made it so i had to notice because they realized that i dont pay attention. the way they harrassed me was direct, 2 strangers on the same day the fourth of july of this year, if i described the events of what happened it would sound like nothing, but if you had been there with me hidding perhaps in a bush i swear to you that youd believe everything i said in that instance because of what you saw. 

 im pretty sure i already mentioned what happened but i will briefly go over it, but understand i know this will sound mundane and there are other possible explanations that seem way more likely to you because i will not be able to properly express the nonverbal communication and full details. but in short, a jonah hill looking motherfucker was riding his bike in my direction on a sidewalk on my way to the beach, behind me about 20 yards so a bit of a distance was a group of young teenagers about 13 years old four to six in all. as he pass me, with his shirt open standing on his pedals as he rode past, he looked to me and said calmly “im on drugs im on probation, they cant do shit.” which he then repeated. i have been yelled at by crazy people many times, i spent 6 months in new york city, this shouldnt have made me feel as uneasy as it did, but it did. you have a sense usually, at least i do, of when someone coming towards you is crazy, or messed up on drugs, its not USUALLY a surprise when it happens you are tensed up waiting for it. i was immediately worried about the kids walking behind me, i turned around and started walking back towards the teens and saw him ride past them. when i got to them i asked if that man had said anything to them and they replied that he had not (this is highly unusual they were young attractive women with one very small young boy, the man didnt strike me as gay, i thought for sure if he yelled at me those kids were next makes no sense) i told them what he said to me, we laughed about it and moved on, occasionally while i was at the beach one of the kids would shout “im on drugs, im on probation, they cant do shit” and we would laugh. it made me really uneasy in a way no other public encounter had, not fearful but perplexed it just didnt fit in with everything else i knew about the world i had inhabit ted for 33 years. on my way home from the beach, a much more directly threatening encounter happened. this is the same day mind you, i am standing alone at an intersection, the road is clear, this is a small rural town, a young black man who sort of resembled xavier wulf but a bit skinnier a slightly more gracile bone structure, slow rolled around the corner, i mean hes practically stopped, and his window is down, his face is practically out his window at me and hes smiling as wide as he can in a cringy unsebtling low budget horror movie way, and nodding at me, his music is turned down, im not dressed out of the ordinary just waiting for my light, this is what i mean though, you will have to take my word that im not exaggeratting this and you must imagine it exactly as ive described it, if anything im under selling it. all i could do was smile and nod back mirroring him in a daze trying to make sense of what was happening right in the moment. he was so close i could have take a step forward and brushed his cheek as he slowly crept by. if you were there, you would have came to the same conclusion i did after a few minutes of walking home and pondering, but instead i must rely on peoples words.

 i am not taking pictures of license plates, or claiming a particular red car is following me, hell they might be! i literally would never know it, i am not paying attention. its possible these two encounters on the same day were not meant to be threatening, though independantly of one another, they on their own, each felt threatening to me, i wasnt scared, what i mean to say is i got the sense the message both these young men were sending was meant to convey a threat, each on their own, never felt that way about an encounter before, and both on the same day.