#im tryna figure it out

[xojaxoffxo]

Ugh I'm so pissed!

My bf (who I'm living with now) finally admitted last night that he can't actually afford to take care of me and I need to go back to full time (I work part time). And I was sitting there like yeah I've known this since you got here. Pisses me the fuck off cuz he swore up and down that he'd take care of me. That he could afford to take over the bills and I could be a stay at home girlfriend for a while. And I don't trust him worth a lick and I genuinely enjoy working, so I still got myself a part time. The secret third reason was cuz he was in the middle of letting me down big time and I didn't want to admit it.

Basically, sure, yeah I sound like a spoiled brat, but like I kinda earned like six months off of working my ass off. I've been running fucking hard since January, taking care of my grandmother and working so much over time. I enjoyed the work so it was fine, but like from the end of January to May, I have been barely sleeping, working as much as I possibly could, running back and forth from the central valley to the bay damn near daily, cleaning someone else's house, attending doctors appointments, dealing with actual grief because I thought I was watching my grandmother die, and still maintaining a household. And then in May, I took a month off of work and moved back to my grandmother's to be her live in maid caretaker. All while dealing with her violent alcoholic asshole of a son and micromanaging the most self centered Lowkey egotistical jackass of a boyfriend. While still trying to manage something of a social life, advance my position at my job, and manage my poor mental health and shit finances.

So I stayed with her from May to July and it was absolutely awful. First I got laid off from my beloved job (company went under). Then my uncle started attacking me. Then my boyfriend got kicked out. And then my grandmother and uncle started literally withholding food. I fallen behind on bills. That fucker literally choked me out and the police didn't believe me. Then the bitch literally kicked me out! I don't have a car, I'm working in the bay, and I live an hour away. But it gets better! She kicked my brother out too!

So now I'm responsible for 23 year old legally blind brother who just isn't getting his shit together and my 28 year old lame ass boyfriend who's fucking damn near addicted to videogames and making me feel insignificant. And I can't kick my brother out cuz he doesn't have anywhere to go and I feel guilty thinking about it and I can't kick my jerk of a partner out because I cant afford to support myself without him. So I'm trapped. I'm perpetually trapped! I work my ass off, dig myself out of the fucking tar pit, and turn around and find out I'm in a different one!

Ugh and it still gets worse. My guy planned to move in with me in May, right? But he didn't have a car at the time and he didn't get one until after I went home and was struggling and unable to pay rent and at risk of being kicked out. He only did that because I put my foot down that I didn't want anything to do with him until he got a car. And I'm the one who fucking found the car too!!! So this mother fucker basically told me that yeah our relationship is trash but like I really love you and I want to be with you and we can make this work and I know you're stuck in a really dangerous situation and you're scared and I promise you that when I get a car I'll come save you. And I actually fucking believed him.

He fucking said he was going to save me. And I've met a man who said that before and he didn't save me either. If anything, my ex ruined me. And I'm the fucking idiot who believed both jackasses and I'm so mad at myself. I know that there isn't a damn person out there who legit is gonna say that and mean it. And I know you gotta save yourself too. Im a fiercely independent woman, I just was crumbling. I needed someone in my corner and it just isn't a thing I get. And that's fine. I just am tired.

But like everything is a fucking fight. My guy lies all the fucking time. He ignores me all the time. He makes it so clear that he's rarely interested in anything I wanna do. My brother literally keeps interrupting sex. My libido and reproductive system is wack, so I'm like extra emotional lately. Every little thing that goes wrong just goes the worst way wrong. I'm constantly tasked with running the house and caring for everyone. I'm constantly being brushed aside and hurt. The sex is 15% great, 75% pretty mid (I mean it gets the job done), and 10% awful. And that's not including the amount of times my brother will hear us screwing around (we're on different floors so it's not like it's intentional) and then just sit out there until we're done and he can come into my room or just keep fucking walking down the stairs while we're scrambling to get dressed.

Ah and the lying is ridiculous! Like I'm not kidding, for like three months, the man said he was gonna buy a car when he got paid, but when the two weeks were up and money got dumped into his account, he didn't have anything! But he was screwing around buying crap for everyone else. I literally called him crying because the drunk choked me out and the cops did not fucking care and he said actually I won't be able to buy a car this check. And I don't know, call me stupid, call me lame, whatever it's true. But like I barely see a fucking man when I look at him. He has never once put me first and actually protected me. Let his best friend and cousin talk all kinds of crap, saying im toxic and mean and all that shit when they're fucking cheating on each other! And I call him freaked out in the middle of the night and I get nothing but voicemail and he doesn't understand why I'm pissed and hurt. Dude can't even remember my birthday! He gave me an unsigned card for our anniversary and pissed all his money off the literal week before and then just was like welp. That one hurt bad. I literally made him something by hand and I had skipped meals and buying groceries so I could buy the supplies to make it. I put so much work into it and hurt myself in the process, and he bought every last minute and you could tell. Like the dude literally just handed me a card and said I was gonna sign it but I didn't think you'd care. And our two year is next month! Fuck no I'm not doing anything. I just don't care anymore. And tonight we go out cuz I need to buy supplies for work, and were talking about something, and he cuts me off in the middle of my paragraph, and starts talking about something else. It rightfully pissed me the fuck off! We've been fighting all week about his treatment of me, and then Wednesday he does this really cool sweet thing and I let the anger go. Like a dumbass. Anyways, we're in the car and he damn near gets in a wreck and when I obviously panic and tell him, he fucking snaps and yells at me! And I must admit, I snapped and I laid into him. I am usually really good about not being mean, but I just ripped the bandaid off and yelled back. I told him I'm sick of how he treats me and I'm not a fucking dog! He can't treat me like this! I am so fucking sick of it! Every fucking time I need him to be a fucking adult, he hurts me or pisses me off! Ahhh he brings out the worst in me, I swear.

And this fucker wants me to call him Daddy! Two fucking years and I'm still having to struggle to get him to choke me properly! Half the time he slaps me, my teeth click together! And my teeth have about $14k worth of damage and somewhat regularly send me to the ER. Anal should not hurt that much. Where's the restraints he keeps promising??? I got a ring gag a year ago and we used it once and he fucking hated it. Does not understand CNC. Not to mention how shit he is about my sexual abuse past and hangups. Like I wanted hardcore fucking and I literally have had that like once and I miss it. I'm so sick of shitty doms and people who use, especially for sex. My brain is literally broken. I got fucking molested and groomed and now I measure myself worth in how much pleasure I can give someone and I use sex as a way to self harm a lot more than I care to admit.

I have zero social life now. And I am working probably a better job, but it's not making me enough currently and my heart just isn't in it. I haven't seen my girls since maybe July? I'm not sure. Maybe June? And all my other friends, I dont see anymore cuz I'm constantly running around taking care of everyone else and we don't work together anymore. And I've never really been the person who people like call 🤷🏼‍♀️ I keep getting UTIs cuz I'm running so hard I legit forget to eat, sleep and even pee. And I'm tired. I was actually really looking forward to resting. I didn't want to be some princess. I just wanted time to rest. I can feel that I'm overdue for an attempt and I don't have health insurance and I cant just check myself into a 72 hour hold or even get medicated at the moment. I'm just tired. I could sleep for days if someone let me.

I just wanted to be loved, man. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. It's not fucking fun to follow after anyone anymore. I just wanna erase all the dating and sex and abuse and just be normal for a change.

[mercyslu]

Someone explain please n thank u

I love it when a book's cover tells you what the book is about.

[reineydraws]

my tablet died and i think my wips are officially lost lmao so here's part of a comic that's prob never gonna get finished. 🥲 tho tbf it's been months since i worked on it so chances were low it'd get done anyways. 😅 my current pfp is from that first montage, but coloured (third image)!

the premise was that the strawhats and the red-haired pirates finally meet. luffy and shanks joyfully reunite and all the strawhats are excited and happily bustling about, touching base with the other emperor's crew--except zoro, who is hanging back and giving shanks the stink eye (second image). eventually shanks notices him and says, very cheerfully, "zoro, hi!" which pisses zoro off further.

usopp or nami ask what's wrong with him and if he's met shanks before, and zoro has the flashback doodle montage in the first image and growls, "yeah, he's my dad's annoying boyfriend." the strawhats are like, "you have a dad???" and then shanks is like, "aw 🥹 did you just call mihawk 'dad'? cute!" and then the strawhats are gaping like, "mihawk is your dad????????" (except for luffy in the back who goes, "shanks has a boyfriend? :D") and the comic ends on zoro angrily blushing and telling everyone to shut up.

anyways, it was something like that. 😂 i hope you at least enjoyed the summary haha.

[lynxxpaw]

Convert Narinder, they said. He's really cool, they said.

[bayfuzzball7050]

@kakyoinmonth day 8!!! — Jotaro!!

“Mi amigo pidió sus tacos sin salsa, animal.”

^ I could only think of this while drawing. It’s translated (roughly cuz it doesn’t have the same bite in English ☹️) to “My friend asked for his tacos with no sauce, you beast.” (In this context, it’s to call someone ‘inept’ or ‘stupid’)

Also! Bonus things I did when it was the day but I felt kinda embarrassed and comic I was too lazy to digitalize 🔥🔥🔥 (I have to stop listening to the worm in my head)

Im obsessed with the trans women jojo and kakyoin (help)

[dizzybevvie]

You're the sunflower/I think your love would be too much

[artisthoi]

gather around tumblr its time for your monthly eah art/redesign

this time its raven!

[xfohvv]

i think im finally somewhat happy w my designs for them (￣ヘ￣ ||| )

[rebar-head]

3am kitchen convene!

[crowgutzzz]

my three weed smoking girlfriends

[fishareglorious]

POV: you are zhang zhizhi and hofmann's kid accidentally greets you with gong hei fat choi again

[aspennntree]

hello phandom i come bearing gifts please enjoy

[caiabresebun]

sorry to disappoint you they're bunny...

[spaciebabie]

you get ta college and realize that everybody here is just Some Guy™ and has been Some Guy™ for their whole lives. the veteran seniors are having breakdowns right next ta the freshmen in the library, our final essays for the semester are started and finished two days b4 its supposed ta b turned in and all our rough drafts look like somebody rubbed 3 braincells on a google doc and then puked on it

[mxrtified777]

this character stylizing study whatever was sponsored by my ryou playlist 👍

[lynn-tged-posting]

"hello oomfie," i say to my mutual on the twitter dot com, "would you like to match pfps with me"

"sure," they reply, "what characters?"

i say nothing. i send them this.

there's no response.

i follow up. "can i be lloyd?"

there's no response.