#im traumatized and i know shit will keep getting bad as i grieve

[lavenderslug]

breakup update: i talked to him today in person for closure. he knows how bad he fucked up. i got a storage unit for all of my shit and i am moved in with my mom. i know this is all i have been posting about but i need an outlet. i called off work until monday and my boss is pissed ofc. tomorrow im cleaning out my old room that became storage when i moved out in 2019 and i am gonna make me and my cat a nice cozy place. i keep telling her it's gonna be okay 😭

[creatorbiaze]

BSD thoughts; Nikolai Gogol's sanity

So, honestly, I think Nikolai IS sane.

take what i say w/ a grain of salt tho; my own views / thoughts are pretty skewed + i have legitimately no understanding of emotional responses/impacts tbh.

ramble below but. spoilers & stuff for the manga

So nikolai tells Atsushi that he is actually sane & understands what he does is wrong.

he's probably not lying actually.

My thoughts are, what if he's USED to his way of acting? sees it as a role he has to fill in order to achieve freedom. Or, sees it as the REASON he needs freedom.

he does the opposite of what everything tells him to do.

It's possible he had previous environments where either a) he grew accustomed to being heartless or b) was completely under someone's control/command.

He shows genuine regret & sadness for Fyodor's death. A normal, completely HUMAN response to losing someone important to him.

someone that's "free" from attachment & feelings wouldn't do that. hell, i doubt I would react that much to a person's death. He realized, in that moment, he WONT be free.

I don't know what would CAUSE him to do all this for freedom, but something definitely caused it. His "insanity" is a mask he puts on to either comfort his victims, or drive people away so he DOESN'T get attached. Fyodor saw through that mask.

He's definitely naturally hyperactive , but the full extents he has + his behavior's a mask.

Nikolai may be mimicking someone, or he may be doing the exact opposite, like his general actions. He may be purposfully making himself Too Different so people won't show sympathy or want to get close.

what better way to keep people from getting attached, than being near-completely unlikable? a complete and udder monster?

back to the start of the ramble; he explains his longing for freedom + how he's actually a completely normal person. He finally let down his mask. But why? if he doesn't want sympathy or anything?

Doubt it'd be manipulation. Honestly, he probably was just bored or wanted to talk about how he really is.

Im bad at keeping secrets about myself, so I'd probably do the same actually.

He probably hoped Atsushi being his enemy would mean he wouldn't feel sympathy for nikolai.

similarly, he lets down his mask to grieve Fyodor IN FRONT of Dazai & Chuuya. Because they're Dazai and Chuuya. they shouldn't give a shit.

considering the way nikolai's murdered people before + how he was w/ atsushi, he's definitely able to keep his mask on while he's internally hating himself.

Wonder if him taking off the eye covering thing is a parallel to that. he takes it off when his mask drops for a bit.

ironically, considering his bond with Fyodor, that lack of sympathy is probably what makes Nikolai get attached to people.

His longing for absolute freedom clashes with his human need for closeness, so he follows people that wont care about him. he'll have someone to be close to, but theoretically no actual attachments.

They won't treat him like a traumatized person (which he probably is) or someone that has to be saved. they wont get attached to HIM. he knows this. which means it SHOULD lessen the blow when either he or they die. theoretically. obviously that didn't work.

anyways if i keep talking it'll just get repetitive so. ye

[allthingskakashi]

As a fellow Kakashi lover, I’m curious if you feel that Kakashi is pretty misunderstood by a lot of fans? I’ve seen people say that he should’ve defected the village, and that he’s messed up for hiding his trauma. (Which he could’ve been more open about, yes, but I’m not sure that he even knew how to go about discussing it at the time) He could’ve easily left the village, but instead he wanted to change things and make society better by teaching teamwork, and to value everyone’s life by putting yourselves before the mission. He never lost hope for the future of shinobi and knew that it could be better. He definitely could’ve been more open about his past, but he’s always been more of a quiet and reserved kid (even before the trauma lol) Idk, I feel like a lot of people overlook his backstory when talking about him!

Istg every time i meet another person who shares this view i just wanna give em the biggest bear hug and im boutta go OFF

Remember back in their childhood when gai was being bullied by these men one time about his dad and kakashi dropped in and whacked them? He always had the conscience to stand up for what was wrong and be there for his comrades but sakumo's death was so traumatic for him, it forced him to change his own beliefs. He became a machine and he believed that carrying out missions as instructed was his only purpose in life, irrespective of what HE felt

because GOD YES he's so so misunderstood by fans half the time and I've seen so many people throw around the term bootlicker for him just cause he didn't throw away everything and leave the village and and join some criminal cult and like no?? The fact that he stayed only shows his strength of character if anything. He could've easily left if he wanted to, he would've made a very sexy villain too but he chose to be hopeful and he chose to remain good and that shows strength of character because it took him a fkn lot to stay in the right path and continue working for the village that took away his father from him.

And it had nothing to do with him being a bootlicker because kakashi is very much his own person and he has his own morals and ideals and he's not a stickler for rules until he believes in them. Yes he did become awfully rule-abiding after Sakumo's death for a while because he saw what listening to your heart instead of adhering to the rules did to his father. He saw the extent to which a previously respected shinobi was villified that he had to resort to taking his own life

And kakashi was angry at sakumo because he was only a small boy who had just lost his father. He couldn't help resent sakumo bc he kept thinking that if only sakumo had just stuck to the rules, he would've still been there with him. that if only he had just done what the village had asked him to, he wouldn't have lost the only family he had. Those were very valid thoughts for a child whose father had just committed suicide but kakashi did know in his heart that his dad was right and that's why he wanted to teach those very principles to the younger generations later on. That's why he told sakumo when they met in the limbo that he was proud of him. But back then when sakumo had just died, kakashi was a grieving child who was angry and dealing with so much pain inside him that he decided he'd never do what cost his father his life. Because he saw right in front of his eyes what happened if you broke the rules and so he did what his 5 year old mind thought he should. But even then, that was never who he was at heart. He never believed in mindlessly abiding by rules and that's what made him consider obito's words and ultimately go back to save rin. Obito's words did not change him, they only helped him see what was already in his heart.

But when obito said those words to him, it resonated with what he truly believed in inside his heart. So yeah, he's no bootlicker, he was just strong willed enough to not give in to the bad things that happened to him. He didn't make an impulse decision. He didn't want to abandon his village. It was his home and despite everything, he loved his home and he valued the people around him. He didn't want to just leave it all. He wanted to stay instead to make the village better, to pass on sakumo's values to the upcoming generations so that they became good shinobi AND humans. To teach his students the power of love and friendship so that they didn't grow up to become the kind of people that had denounced his father. Kakashi didn't want to take revenge for sakumo's death because his actions were never motivated by hatred, but he ensured that his father didn't die in vain.

Leaving would've been much easier for him too,he may have almost even thought of it on nights that were extremely painful, nights when he was completely engulfed with pain and anger at the horrible unfair world but he would've never done it bc that's not him. He CHOSE to listen to the part of his heart that still saw good. Betraying the village that was his home wasn't an option for him

So yeah the fact that he stayed only shows his strength of character. his determination, his judgement, his will to change the village for the better. He refused to pass students unless they knew the value of teamwork. He was the only one who failed team after team and sent them back to academy bc no matter what, he never would've let students who didn't value their comrades become shinobi. Would a bootlicker do that? He broke into root and freed tenzo; when everyone in the village ostracized naruto and iruka had almost made up his mind to ask hiruzen to assign him another student, KAKASHI was the one who told iruka to approach Naruto with love instead. He always had a mind of his own. When team 10 wanted to get their revenge after Asuma's death, kakashi himself offered to accompany them even tho tsunade wasn't initially very enthusiastic about the idea. Would a bootlicker do that? He sneaked naruto off to meet the 4th raikage bc he understood that it was important to Naruto. Would a bootlicker do that? He always did what he thought was right

He realised his mistakes and he changed for the better. He had to raise himself and yet he managed to stay on the right track and make not just a great shinobi but also a great person of himself. He didn't want to leave his home. that was his very identity, that was his world. He wanted to change it, not abandon it. I'm sorry that is not a bootlicker. Danzo had even tried to recruit him or smth once but he'd had the judgement and sense to turn him down

As for hiding his trauma idk what to say to that i mean you can't dictate how someone deals with trauma?? Sure, his ways weren't ideal but what can you expect? He was only a kid. He lost everyone that was important to him before he was even 15 and it's not like he received any help from anybody to heal and get better. The one time he tried to approach jiraiya, he turned kakashi away saying he was putting everyone off by being sad. Ig after that he just decided to stay quiet and keep it all inside himself. The village treated him as a human weapon and he started to see himself that way too because he really didn't care for his life anymore. He suffered from survivor's guilt and he wished he'd die, he hoped one of these missions would kill him. And he was this way for many years but what matters is that he did slowly let himself open up. It took him a long time but he did. He taught his genin team but he learnt from them too. They grew on him, he loved them and cared for them. Sure they were a handful but he they were his handful and he adored them. He could gather up the courage to finally let gai in too and even be verbal about how much he meant to him. It took a long way for him to get there and it was not easy but he got there and that's what matters

SO YEAH PHEW

im sorry that was so long but i get v riled up when people shit on kakashi about these things like you're missing the point and essence of his character and i will throw hands goddamit

The fandom really does misunderstand and misinterpret kakashi v often and there are many instances where i don't agree w the majority so it's so beautiful to me when i see people who think the same way THANK YOU SM I COMPLETELY AGREE W YOU LY <3

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

This is a Repost from my Ao3 I wanted to bring it to Tumblr. I hope you like it Its currently 5 chapters I will be uploading the rest throughout the rest of the week.

Word Count: 3300 approx

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.4

Chapter 5: Age of Ultron pt.2

Ch.6

"Y/N you can't keep coming in and not talking." Your therapist tells you quite frustrated. "I'm paying you aren't I, I'll do what I please with the time I pay for." You say finally making eye contact with her. She only sighs. "Y/N I find that often people ask for help in the most obvious yet concealed manner."

You turn away, she continues. "You said it yourself you're paying me… If you don't want me to ask these questions, walk out and stop paying me." You look back "I can't… because I feel like I might just explode at any point." She nods encouraging you to continue. 

"Recently I went through something that combined with all the other shit i've gone through… I can't cope. I don't know how." You wipe your eyes and continue. "I've never been stable, but i've always been okay with that. I've never lost anyone in a traumatic way." Your therapist lifts their head. "Who have you lost?"

"I never knew my parents so I didn't really lose them. I knew that Howard was going to pass and I got closure." She jumps in when she realizes you stopped talking. "And what makes this loss different?" You look at her with a tear rolling down your cheek. "The fact that it was my fault."

Three Weeks Ago 

Wanda speaks first "I read your mind and all I saw was destruction." He promptly asked her to check again. He then goes on to have some sort of existential crisis not knowing what he actually is. I didn't really start to listen until Clint mentioned where Nat was… Sokovia. You immediately got pale once you heard what Ultron was planning to do with Sokovia. "I need to make a call" you say mostly to yourself but Pietro heard you. 

No one noticed you stepped out of the room but him. "Who do you think you're calling?" You jump as he sped in front of you. "I need to warn my family they need to get out." Pietro only laughs "Forgive me but you don't seem like one to have family much less in Sokovia of all places. Why don't you just tell me the truth"

"Im aware you might not know me but I'm Y/N Krast… I run the practice I need to warn my friends.  They'll spread the word and start an evac." He sighs. "You need to tell the rest of the guys. It might not be the best move." You nod and walk back into the room there all in. Tony notices you and walks straight to you fearing the Maximoff kid did something to you. 

"Did he do anything kiddo because if he did I swear to…" you cut him off. "Im fine but I need to ask you something." He nods telling you to proceed. "Can I warn my friends back in Sokovia? They can help get the people out of there." Tony looks at you and nods. "I guess it can't hurt to take some precautions. Do it." You smile and walk out the room Dialing David immediately. 

"Y/N are you okay, it's like three in the morning." You're relieved to hear his voice. "Listen to me David, you need to get as many people as you can out of Sokovia. The people are in danger." Davud sighs "Are you having another melt down remember breathe. In and out…" 

"David this is not a game, you have to get as many people as you can out now… Tell Viv too she needs to get her family out. Do as I say David please the people will listen to you." David starts talking again, the panic rising in his voice. "Y/N what do you know… more importantly how do you know?" You raise your voice. "FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE DON'T QUESTION ME! Just do it." 

David, shocked by your reaction shifts his tone. "I'll do my best. I need to go." He hangs up not even giving you a chance to say goodbye. (This is what you'll end up regretting later.) 

"You truly care for these people… your family or friends." You look up and see the last person you expected. The witch is standing there in the doorway. "Yes, I do care, Wanda because believe it or not we're not all bad people." The comment came out more spiteful than you expected wincing at your own words. You're about to apologize when she beats you to it. "I'm sorry about earlier." She looks down picking at her hands. 

You sit down on the steps facing a window and signal for her to sit as well. She joins you reluctantly. "I'm not going to bite." You say. Drawing out a small laugh that made your heart flutter. "Did you see inside my head?" You ask. Her head tilts at your question, but ultimately she shakes her head. "Yeah it happens sometimes I can't control it." You nod. "For the record I dont think youre a bitch. Well I did in the moment…" she cuts you off laughing. "I believe the words you used were 'Crazy Bitch'." You chuckle. 

"We should get going…" You stand, helping her up and go to the team. “I contacted my friend David, and I texted my… other friend Viv. They’ve started evacuating people as we speak.” Tony nods and gives you an understanding look. “Now what's our plan to save Nat.” Steve goes on to explain his plan which consists of getting as many people as we could out then fighting Ultron. Once you arrived in Sokovia the streets were desolate. Not a soul in sight.

Pietro gazes in astonishment. “Your friends are good.” You nod relieved seeing that David and Viv did what you asked. “Well check if there are any people left behind…” Wanda cuts in. You weren't given the time to check for any last bystanders when she city starts shaking, and there are bots everywhere. You realize that Sokovia is flying. Tony then informs you of Ultrons plans. You all split up fighting the bots and Bruce made his way to Nat. Not long after Hulk and Natasha had made their way to the now floating Sokovia. Long story short the bad guy was defeated, and all was right in the world again.

Present 

“Alright Doc, have you been following this I know first hand it can be a little complicated.” She nods as you continue. “Well my friends, not the Avengers. Umm… their names were David, and Vivian.” She notices your struggle to continue but you power through the tears building in your eyes. “You see, saving the world came at a price, a price that I was willing to pay, but not like this. I got to the compound, and dialled David and what did I find?” She tells you to continue. “Five… Five missed calls from David telling me that he was going to stay behind in the Practice with Viv.” Tears are now streaming down your cheeks. “Now I imagine that you know what happened to Sokovia ‘Boom’.” You signal with our hands telling her that it was all gone.

Suddenly a timer goes off and your walls are up again. “Y/N you can continue if you want to, I don't…” You interrupt her standing up and heading to the door. “Actually I think that, that was enough for today.” You say walking out. It was confirmed both David and Viv dead… and it was all because of you. After this you distanced yourself. Declining Maria Hills offer to become an Avenger, and also walking away from the Stark Industries collaboration. Unfortunately falling down a deeper hole than you'd ever been in with our addiction. When walking out of the office building your shrink is in when you bump into someone.... 

“Long time no see Y/N!” You recognize the voice immediately. “I saw you following me last week, as a matter of fact i've spotted you multiple times Natasha.” She laughs, and you roll your eyes. “Now why are you mad Y/N what did you think would happen? You ghosted everyone after Sokovia, why are you angry?” You sigh and start walking away but she stops you. “Because you were right Natasha there was a cost to this and it's taking quite the toll.” Natasha lets go of your arm confused “What are you talking about everything came out great.” you laugh bitterly “For almost everyone else oh and feel free to tell Pepper than I'm not taking her calls no matter how hard she insists.”

“Does this have anything to do with the drugs Y/N because if it does I know some people that can help you.” The way she says it almost makes you believe that she cares, but at the end of the day you know she had orders. You look at her incredulously walking away again, this time she doesnt stop you.  

Natashas POV

“Well if you're not going to tell me guess i'm going to have to find out the hard way.” You walk into the building Y/N just came out of and make your way to the Shrink's office. You not so nicely asked for Y/N’s file. As youre reading the file you remember her words bitter and angry “For almost everyone…” Now it makes sense her friends died and no one was there for her. Fuck. You pick up the phone and dial Pepper. “I know what's going on. Call a meeting in the compound and I'll get there in thirty minutes.”  

You meet up with everyone at the compound. You share the files with the team and everyone is shocked talking with each other until you notice Wanda. She doesn't look surprised. You pull her aside. "Why are you being quiet? What do you know about Y/N." She sighs "It was an accident alright when we came back I looked into her head. She looked so happy I was curious… When I looked she was grieving, tearing herself apart." 

You look at her. "And you said nothing you let us believe that she just didn't care." She laughs. "She doesn't! She doesn't want your help, she made that quite clear already. The one person she thought that she could count on was some guy named Logan." You querk your head, was she jealous, are you jealous. You shake your head. "What else did you see?" Your ask casually. Testing the waters you didn't want to expose Y/N but you have to know what she knew. 

"Was there something else I was supposed to see?" You shake your head no, and make your way back to the team. There's fighting over who should talk to her. "I think Tony should go…" Steve says like it's nothing. You almost laugh. Tony gives you a dirty look. "I think pepper should go." You say matter of factly. She asks you to elaborate. "She cares for you the most, but she is angry not at you in general." She nods and everyone else agrees for lack of a better idea. 

Peppers Pov 

You walk out of the compound with Tony by your side. "You can come if you want to." Your say to break the silence. He shakes his head. "When are you going to tell her that you're her father." He only sighs "I can't tell her… I can't ruin Howard for her because she loved him." You quickly counter "It's going to be worse the longer you wait." You continue "The only reason I didn't push before was because you weren't sure but now you are Tony she's your daughter." 

"That's exactly why I can't tell her now she's dealing with a lot. It's not a good time." You nod "Fine." Is all you can say. You walk into Krast industries expecting to be greeted by a busy work floor but are surprised when you see the exact opposite. You do see a familiar face though commandeering the floor. Logan. "Hey logan how are you? I'm hoping I could talk to Y/N." Logan stops in his tracks. 

"What do you mean if i've seen her? I thought she was with you guys." He says the panic growing in his voice. "Umm… no she's not been with us for a couple of weeks now. Are you sure you haven't seen her and what's going on here." 

Logans Pov 

Of course you knew where she was, but you weren't about to tell them. "Yeah no I've talked to her on the phone I just figured she was with your guys." Pepper is still confused about what is happening. "She asked me to get ready for major remodel… all our employees will work from home for the time being." She nods. "Do you know where I could find her? I really need to talk to her." Well that's not going to happen now. Seen as she's currently passed out on your couch. 

"She might be at home… She does this sometimes. She runs, but i'll give you her address if you really want to talk to her."

Your Pov 

After running into Natasha you went to a bar. A complete rookie move. You knew better, but at the same time you didn't care you've been loading up taking a larger doses and mixing with alcohol. You called Logan to come pick you up and he was there like always. "I can't lose you Logan, I wouldn't survive it. Why does everyone I love die?" He holds his tongue you can tell. "Tell me what you're thinking it's not good to hold your emotions in…" He laughs bitterly. "You think I'd survive losing you Y/N this feeling goes both ways. You're blind to my pain Y/N seeing you like this hurts me it shakes me to my core."

"I'm not blind to your pain… I know you better than I know myself. I'm going to therapy, and before you say it i'm actually talking this time. I'm getting help." He nods "Every step of the way that includes relapsing. Y/N just don't make me lose you." You nod tears building in your eyes. "I won't." 

When you wake up you're in Logan's apartment it's nice. Your head is pounding. You decide to go home… in hindsight that was a horrible idea. You have no idea where you are and also have no idea where you're going.  "Fuck… taxi, TAXI." 

They dont fucking stop you dont blame them you look like trash, hell you feel like it too. You make it to a coffee shop and just sit there. Waiting for what you don't know at least not until the owner comes around. "I don't want to have to kick you out but it's nearing closing time, want me go call a cab." 

You laugh "See id say yes and please but I don't remember where I live." He nods feeling bad for you. "Having a bad day, want to talk about it?" You sigh “I would, but sadly my opening up to complete strangers quota is full for the day.” They laugh handing you some coffee. “It 'll help you sober up, So what is it? Alcohol, meth, let me guess pills.” You widen your eyes. “Don't worry, I'm not judging I meet people of all walks of life.” You nod. “Do you mind if I make a call my friend is probably worried sick.” He hands you his phone and you dial Logan (the only number you know by heart.) “Y/N where are you ive been worried sick. Why did you leave?” 

“I went out for coffee you know to sober up faster I needed air.” He sighs “Can you make your way back or do you want me to pick you up?” You turn from the barista person in front of you. “Um I want to go home but I can't for the life of me remember my address.”  David gives you your address and calls you a cab. You thank him and end the call. “So it looks like I'm heading home in a minute the taxi won't take long.” He smiles reaching his hand out to take their phone back. “I’ll see you around probably…” You nod "probably not.” You say hesitantly, and he laughs. You Are interrupted by the taxi honking its horn. “I hope to see you around by the way. I'm Zack Gordon.” your smile drops immediately. 

You compose yourself before he notices your change in attitude. You plaster on a fake smile and make your way out turning one last time. “We’ll see each other around Zack.” He smiles. The whole cab ride was silent, you're contemplating fate. What are the fucking odds of all the cafe’s you could have walked into you walked into his. When you least expect it you’re in front of your house. You walk in and immediately notice something off. You walk into your living room only to see someone sitting in the dark. You know who it is immediately. “Always with the theatrics, it's starting to get old. Would you like something to drink.” She sighs “Y/N I want to talk.”  You sit clapping your hands causing the lights in the house to turn on.

“Right Pepper talk, i'm listening” Her eyes widen, showing her confusion. “Look, I'm not angry with our team or you, but I just have some crap to deal with… Alone.” Pepper looks down. “You don't have to go through this alone, you have us now.” Your eyes bolt to hers. “And how exactly do you know what i'm going through… You know what I don't need to know because it doesn't matter.” you sigh “I’ve gone through life alone. I dealt with the punches life has thrown my way by myself. This won't be the exception.” You see Peppers complexion turn red, she's angry. “Why can't you stop making yourself a martyr, talk about dealing with children? You and Tony are the only ones who can make me this irritated.”

“Because I'm broken Pepper and before Natasha or Wanda decide to tell you I'm an addict. Everything is wrong right now so I need to take a step away, I need to get clean.” Peppers eyes soften moving to sit next to you. “You know i'm not leaving your side right?” Your eyes begin to water. “I relapsed… it's bad Pepper. I've never fallen this hard and I'm scared.” She hugs you. “I’ve never had this… people who really care it was just Logan and I.  As of recently it was David, Viv, and I. Now I lost them and I can't. I can't sleep, I can't breathe, and I'm so tired Pepper I don't know how much more of this I can take.” 

“Okay come on Y/N let's get you to your room.” You and Pepper stand on your way up the stairs and you start to stumble. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I am very sorry I drank coffee to sober up but it didn't work.” She nods “It’s okay we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” You both finally make it to your room and as soon as your head hits the pillow you fall asleep.

When you wake up you are surprised by your surroundings you didn't quite remember how you got here. You sit up and hear chattering downstairs. You go down stairs, the memories of last night making their way to you now. THE AVENGERS HAVING BREAKFAST IN YOUR KITCHEN. You watch as thor brakes your plates making you flinch. “As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm I dont think Y/N would appreciate us breaking her plates.” you clear your throat and as you do everyone goes quiet. “Good Morning everyone.”

[carcino-g3n3ticist]

Trauma related, includes meantion of cutting off family, and transphobia

For backround, my grandma was being transphobic to me and my cousin, and he forgave her

How could you forgive her, she said that transphobic atuff to both of us. She said bith out dead names. She saud she was grieving us

HOW COULD YOU ACT LIKE IT WAS FINE THE NEXT DAY

When i started to cry sje acted like it was an incinvinience when she was crying not seconds before

I had to fucking ask her to keep driving when she pulled over

When we were in the car, the only reason i didnt fucking jump out was because i was trying to comfort you. I was so tsmpted, the whole drive home, to unbuckle my belt, and open the door and jump out, bur i knew that at the time, you were crying. You were squeezing my hand so tight, i didnt want to leave you alone with her

She said the same shit to you as she did to me

And i know it was a fucking traumatic incident because ive repressed everything from that day. I cant even remember what clothes any of us were wearing, i cant remember how it started, and i xant remember what it wa slike getting in the car with her. I cant remember any og it because my brain said 'nope, fuck this'

Whenever i smell her house or her i have a fucking panic attack. I would feel like shit the rest of the day if i smelt her house on you

Every time i see her fucking name, i feel like running away

I heard my sister having a phone call with her and i fucking ran and hid

How could you fucking forgive her when you were with me. Were both fucking trans

And it fucking sucks because i cant wear the hoodie that me and her made tigether without feeling upset

you tried to get me to talk to her again when i made it clear i wasnt ready.

You need to wake up and realise shes never going to change. Shes always done the same thing of doing something bad, the appologising, then doing another bad thing a week later

Shes the only person that can make me cry infront of other people, and you should have known that i never cry

And the worst part of it all is, that im still here, fucking crying and shaking when i rmemeber that day, but youve so easuly forgiven her.

I think i have PTSD from that day

[cryptidwizard]

A Good Kid.

@yarrayora requested a Casey Jones fic from the point of view of his fellow students and his teachers, I hope you enjoy! Contains some spoilers from tmnt 2012 season 2 and 3

“He’s a good kid!” His parents said with a sheepish smile when Casey was in preschool. The smell of rain still fresh in the air though the showers had stopped. Casey took the opportunity to play in the mud and stomp in puddles, tracking mud inside and dripping wet. The teacher rolled his eyes, “Something like that. That little Arnold Jr. of yours must be a handful.” He commented as Casey now toweled dry barreled into his parents giving them a hug. His parents laughed, and agreed. “He takes after me.” They both say in unison.

In kindergarten during Show and Tell one day, Casey stood up as straight as possible and said in a loud voice he had a big announcement. “Go on Arnold, please tell the class.” His teacher smiled warmly already learning there was no way to control Casey’s excited volume. Casey took a deep breath as if he couldn’t wait to get it out, “I’MGONNABEABIGBROTHER!” he shouted quickly and stumbling over his words. “Can you repeat that hun?” The teacher asked not quite understanding what he said. “I’M GONNA BE A BIG BROTHER! MY MOM SAYS SO, HER TUMMY IS HUGE! ITS GOT A BABY IN IT!! THEY THINK IT’S A GIRL AND SHES GONNA LOOK LIKE ME AND IM GONNA TEACH HER TO ICE SKATE!! WE’RE GONNA PLAY HOCKEY TOGETHER!!! IM GONNA BE THE BEST BIG BROTHER EVER!!!!” Casey exclaimed, practically vibrating in excitement. His teacher gave him a grin, “We are all very happy for you Arnold. I’m sure you’ll be a very good brother, though you might have to wait a few years to teach your little brother or sister how to ice skate.” Casey wilted at the news of waiting for ice skating but brightened once again at the prospect of having a little brother or sister to call his own.

Casey is a good kid and a good older brother. His mom and dad both work so he takes care of his little sister when they have to do “grownup stuff” Casey proudly shares to his classmates. “He’s a responsible kid,” Says one teacher to another during their lunch break gossip time, usually talking about students and things they tell teachers. “If a little excitable.” Another adds.  “Did you hear how his mom is sick a lot? Arnold says that’s because she “helps sick people” but I’m not sure.” The gym teacher reveals. “Well nursing job or not that sounds a lot like an autoimmune disease.” The science teacher mentions. The language arts instructor looks up, “Oh my father had that, it was absolutely awful. He passed a few weeks ago.” The thought of Arnold Casey Jones Jr. disappeared from their thoughts as they offered their condolences.

“Hey Case’ what’s up?” Asked a classmate as Casey concentrated on coloring a Get Well Soon Card in second grade. “Hmm?” He asked as he looked up, “Oh hey, I’m making a card for my mom. She’s not feeling well. It’s just taking a little longer than usual to feel good again.” Casey explained somewhat glumly. “I’m sorry about that. I hope she feels better!” Says the classmate. “Thanks!” Says Casey before adding a quiet “Me too.” A teacher then notices the card and tells Casey she hopes his mom gets well soon. She doesn’t.

The condition of Mrs. Jones hasn’t improved the teachers learn. When Arnold Jr. misses two weeks of school in third grade, everyone knows what happened. The Monday after the second week, Casey enters class, eyes red and glassy and wearing an oversized jacket that teachers can only assume belonged to his mother. He doesn’t speak, he ignores words spoken to him and only pretends to do his work. This continues for a while. At first teachers are able to ignore it and place it on him grieving, but it continues still. When they regretfully have to ask his father to come in to talk about Casey’s grades his father blankly replies, “He’s a good kid.”

In fourth grade, Casey gets into his first fight. Kids can be cruel. They joke and say terrible things, they can’t comprehend the consequences. That is until someone teaches them. Casey taught them. From what the teachers gathered, two kids have been making fun of Casey for a while now. For the longest he hadn’t let it bother him, but they allegedly brought up his mother. Casey had apparently just snapped. Both kids were sporting bruises and Casey had a large scrape on his cheek. He hadn’t spoken since the fight ended aside from the words, “They said mean stuff about my mom…” Casey has sat in infuriated science. “He’s a good kid!” His father pressed, looking disheveled, his shirt incorrectly buttoned up. Arnold Sr. let out a deep sigh, “He hasn’t been handling his mother’s death well, no kid should have to go through this. He hates not being around his sister and I, like he’s scared we’re gonna leave him too. Those kids shouldn’t have been saying that stuff, Arnold shouldn’t have retaliated. Can you please let him off the hook just this once?” Casey’s father pleaded, looking desperate. The teachers pitied what was left of the Jones family, and decided if Casey apologized to the two boys, he’s be off the hook. Casey manages a muttered apology, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. He stays silent on the way home.

Casey manages to stay out of trouble for the most part in fifth grade. Aside from minor arguments and a generally rambunctious behavior he is fine. He angers easier and is more protective of his friends. Especially his sister. When she started kindergarten, he would walk her to all her classes, usually causing him to be late for his own. When he found out she was being messed with by some older students, Casey was infuriated to stay the least. He threw the first punch and got the shit beaten out of him, but it guaranteed his sister wouldn’t be messed with again. Arnold Sr. shows up fifteen minutes late to the meeting, he smells of alcohol. He doesn’t try to defend Casey’s case, he doesn’t call him a good kid. Just asks “How much trouble is he in?” and is informed Casey has a week’s detention. His father vows Casey will be punished accordingly for his actions, the teacher doesn’t notice Casey’s fearful expression as he leaves with his sister and father.

On the first day of sixth grade, Casey shows up with a black eye. The teacher calls his father, he doesn’t answer. Casey says his dad is busy. He doesn’t say that his father is passed out drunk, he doesn’t say that his father is the one who punched him last night. So the teacher never knows. Casey says he was fixing the lock on his doorknob when his sister had opened the door. “Oh, Arnold I’m so sorry that happened. You should see the nurse and get some ice for that.” His teacher says with sympathy. Casey mumbles something, the teacher frowns “I’m sorry I didn’t hear that dear.” The boy looks down, “I don’t wanna go by Arnold. I wanna be called Casey.” She looks surprised, he hadn’t had a problem with that name during roll call. “Alright, Casey. Let’s get you down to the nurse.” The teacher says with a shrug. She’ll never know the Casey doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of his dad every time he’s referred to. She doesn’t know Casey learns to use his mom’s old makeup to hide bruises.

Casey gets into fights; his father was called in so much they just stop bothering to call. When they do call him, Arnold Sr. doesn’t bother to defend Casey’s actions. He just says “He’s a bad kid, he isn’t going to change. He’ll be punished accordingly.” Always smelling of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Teachers had begun to dread getting Casey in their classes. The plethora of friends Casey used to have had vanished, he scares people. Casey decides to quit on regular old ice skating. He tries out for hockey. He’s a bad kid.

Casey makes friends with people on his hockey team, some still keep their distance. Though Casey’s a natural player and a fun guy to be around. He’s still competitive, still has an anger that can’t be extinguished. To his team, he’s a fun-loving knucklehead that’s got a real angry streak on an off the ice. To teachers he’s a slacker, who only applies himself in hockey, a bad kid with bad anger issues. The only thing that seems to engage him is hockey and fighting, everything else makes him feel stupid or inadequate. So he doesn’t try, so it doesn’t hurt when he fails. Casey is told he’ll be kicked off the hockey team if he doesn’t bring up his grades. He starts to look for a tutor, but who would tutor a notoriously bad kid? Casey tells teachers that no one’s going to want to tutor him, a student craving extra credit for mysteriously missing days disagrees.

Casey hits it off with his tutor, so he says to a nosy teacher. He brags that April O’Neil is “So into him.” April rolls her eyes and laughs, Casey has a friend he finally close to. April first saw Casey as a bad kid, a no brained thug who just wants to fight. When he discovered the criminal underworld and the threat of the Kraang and dons a vigilante costume with a hockey stick; April thinks maybe he’s an okay kid who just wants to fix the city and bust a few heads. Then she truly gets to know him, sees him interacting with the turtles, protecting people he cares about and realizes he’s a good kid, a good person, a good friend who’s been dealt shitty cards in life. She just wishes other people would see the real him under his façade.

When the Kraang invade, many are unaccounted for when humans are enslaved and mutated. Casey Jones, April O’Neil, and Irma Langinstein are three of the many. Teachers and students alike can only hope the three are alive, and pray for their own safety as the mutagen splashes down upon them. The pain and feeling of bones shifting and skin morphing is unlike anything other experienced. The feeling is traumatizing and agonizing but they will forget it all soon enough. There is only serving the Kraang. There is only Kraang.

Casey and April’s trigonometry teacher’s vision clears, everything aches and smells heavily of something alien burning her nose. Above her stands Arnold Casey Jones, his expression concerned and his hand outstretched ready to pull her up. Her memories feel disjointed but they come back slowly. “Casey….Casey Jones..? Where am I? What happened?” She asks woozily and is supported by Casey before she falls. “Don’t worry about that Ma’am. I’m going to get you home safe.” Casey says in calm reassuring tone, there is a flash of light and suddenly they are standing at the entrance of her house. Her memory clears and she gasps, “You’re alive! H-how am I alive?” His teacher asks in confused panic. “The military came through, I’m just doing my part volunteering to help people get home safe.” He soothes. His trigonometry teacher nods half dazed and is helped into her home by Casey. He gives her a hug, tells her to stay safe and is out the door, gently closing it shut behind him. His trigonometry teacher seems stunned, Casey was failing her class in the months before the invasion. She always thought of him as a delinquent, yet here he is volunteering and doing his part in the efforts to help things get back to normal. What a good kid.

A student being harassed by Purple Dragons for his wallet is saved by a hockey mask wearing vigilante clutching a baseball bat. “Casey Jones?!” The teenager asks in surprise. “-Huh?” Says the vigilante before trying to deepen his voice, “Uh no, who’s that?” At the classmate’s look clearly saying he wasn’t buying it, Casey sighed and used his regular voice, “How’d you know it was me?” Casey asked. “Dude you literally shouted, NO ONE MESSES WITH CASEY JONES! While you were beating up those guys.” Casey looked a sheepish as he could while still wearing a hockey mask. “Oh, uh right.” The classmate looked around awkwardly, “Um listen Case’ I just wanted to say thanks dude. You’re actually pretty cool.” The mask wearing boy seems stunned “Yeah no problem, get home safe man.” Casey said before pulling himself up to the nearby fire escape and seemingly vanishing. “Cool.” Whispered the teenager.

Everyone in school has heard stories of students or teachers being saved by April O’Neil or Casey Jones. Sometimes in strange costumes or armor, other times in just everyday clothing. Nobody confronts them on it, or says anything to the police. They feel honor bound, grateful for what Casey and April have done for them. No one thinks of April as a weak and nerdy girl anymore, she’s strong and powerful and a force of nature all her own. No one thinks of Casey as a stupid student and angry thug, he’s protective and crafty and a good kid. He’s always been a good kid.