#im taking this not as how they show love but their catagory

[tntduopolls]

what are their love languages? (could be two separate polls)

[v-r-i-s-vris-v-r-i-s]

I LOVE BAD ART

hiii im thyme (ze/zir/they/them), one of the 4 ppl w accces to this acct, and sry for spelling, im dysgraphic + actualy typing and not using speach-to-text like normal

ANYWAYS

i LOVE bad art, and i HATE when ppl get upset i say that!

i grew up w a lot of pressuer on me to be good, definetly in general, but also absolutly w art!! my mom was an artist, and i grew up VERY christian. everything i did reflected on god, and more importantly to my mom, on her.

she was so exited to have a kid who LOVED art and stuff like her, but i was never good enough. she would always tell everyone how good i was, how i was gifted by god, and how much i took after her. (she was v self centered and would majorly talk up anything that made her look good, yikes i know)

so ppl would be naturaly interested and exited to see! and then i would be forced to show them some art, which, keep in mind, was verry age appropriate and full of the generally goofy stuff i loved, and 9/10 they would be dissapointed. even if they werent my mom decided to constantly pressure me to do better.

this was really stressful obv, and i stopped drawing for the first time. when i got into middle school, i started again, this time not really ttelling my mom. i was happier, but had already had it impressed down onto me that my art had to be good to warrant existing or taking my time. i was v stressed by it, and as i slowly started to get more comfortable i was imedietly bombarded with competition.

i struggled to get better in the ways that seemed easy for anyone else, PDA kicked in as soon as i felt something NEEDED to be done, and i was compaird to everyone my age and younger and told how much better theye were.

i never wanted to make it a competition, i just wanted to have fun. i wanted to do something hands on that could express me better than my words ever could (undiagnosed autism at the time made me feel verry weird and thuroughly broken, and explaining that wo imedietly getting invalidating and patronizing answers simply did not happen)

i stoped drawing again. i changed schools and had a better art teacher. she wasnt a dick bout my art, but definetly acted overly suportev(possibly im anxiose and projecting past art trauma onto her lmao and she was just being normal, she was cool af tho). i starded drawing more, on and offf, and got REALLY depressed and burnt out. one of the ways it manifested was being unable to be creative.

but things did get better!!! got an autism diagnosis and educated myself more on my dysgraphia diagnosis(got in elementry school), came out, made freinds who brought me to queer music and caberet shows(tysm phoenix), and was able to move out!

as im now on my own, my art drive has rissen signifigantly, especily as im surounded by other art enjoying weirdos(complementary). but i still hate when someone says that my art is good or bad. constructive advice and support is always valued, but there are so many mediums and people and styles, how on earth do we judge that?? having to be good enough for everyone to warent my own existance and hobbies almost killed me, and sucked all of the joy out of my life.

ive seen people who got so happy to doodle, only to stop forever when someone makes a remark on skill with their age. ive seen family stop bc someone joked abt their stick figures or car drawings, because even if the joker didnt mean it outside of a goofy remark, the joke was meanspirited and ment to put the artist down. I HATE THIS??!?!

WHO DECIDES WHATS GOOD ENOUGH TO EXIST??? capitilism? christianity? the example of two dead ppl from history???

obviosly i dont fuck w that.

art is something made to express something, how are you going to take such a broad catagory and shove it into your biased and sad binary?

so i proudly call my art bad. as an ongoing rebelion against everyone who thought and thinks that something has to fit their binary of goodto exist. i say bd to help myself unlearn the shitty things that were pushed onto me, and as a way of saying i dont have to be anyone's good to warent my own joy.

some ppl will cut in here, theyll tell me not to talk badly about myself (im not). theyl say even if i dont mean it bad, my brain will internalize it as a negative(i dont think that applies here?) or theyll spew some capitlistic bs (HUH, GUESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.)

no hate to others reclaiming their art and love for it in different ways,this is just how it works for me. in in my art vocabulary, bad means not locking itself into the harsh expectations of good, and i find that incredibly freeing :)

[chronicbetween]

As Promised… My Spoonie App Recommendations

Flaredown:

This app was designed by patients for patients and so far im really enjoying it. It allows me to input and track the severity of specific conditions on any given day, the severity of the symptoms im experiencing as well as what types of treatment or aid ive used in a day. All of these catagories are personalized upon set up, which granted does take a bit to do if you want to get really intense with your data, and you can continue to add any new symptoms or conditions as time goes on. You also have the ability to track foods that you eat (especially helpful with trying to narrow down allergies and reactions) and tag the day. The app then presents all of this data in an easy to read and exportable chart that i plan to print and take to my next doctors appointment.

For those that have trouble remembering to fill out things like this every day, i have it set up to send an email at a set time reminding me to input my information for that day.

When you open the app after set up, you are prompted to check in with your info for that day. The first page after the prompt looks like this:

As you can see, the first page deals with conditions and asks you to rate your condition’s activity that day from innactive to extremely active on a color coordinated sliding scale. On this page you are able to add any new diagnosis at any check in and, unlike many similar apps ive seen, the number of conditions and symptoms you are able to input is unlimited.

This second page is for symptoms. As I said before the number you’re able to input is unlimited and you can create your own new catagory if one isn’t exactly what you’re looking for. The rating scale is the same as the conditions page and the chart is similarly color coded for easy visualization.

This next page deals with treatments used in a day. For me this is where i would input data on any assistance device or human assistance ive used in a day as well as track any heat and cold pack useage or rest my body has forced me to take. This section also is really helpful for tracking medications as well. You can either check off that you’ve taken your meds that day or input specific dosages of medications which, I imagine would be very helpful in the case of pain meds that need tracking.

The next two catagories share a page and deal with foods eaten in a day (though keep in mind it does not have a calorie counter so if that’s something you’re looking for you would need a separate app) and tags that i use to track home im feeling emotionally on a given day. Like the other categories you are able to personalize the selections and the app does remember youre most recent ones for easy adding.

The last two photos are of the charts that are produced from all your input data. Each dot represents a separate day and is clearly plotted on a line graph to show daily change in condition or symptom activity. Both the symptoms and conditions themselves are represented on the line graph whereas in my experience the treatment just shows whether or not that treatment was used on a specific day.

Flaredown does also have a journal function and a pattern function to help you track whether specific activities or foods have an impact on your condition. I havent used either of these functions yet or the connect function that allows you to chat with other users but if you do, let me know what you think!

Tally:

This app is very straightforward and simply keeps tally of whatever information you want to count. Personally i use the app to track twitches and muscle tremors and how many times i lose balance/ fall in a day.

My set up looks like this and is very simple however, this app would be great for tracking water intake, any symptom occurrences you may have in a day as well as helping to keep track of any medications you may take. This information, is also presented in a simple color coordinated graph that you can view in a week window in a bar graph format that can be downloaded or emailed and printed. Unfortunately i seem to have hit my photo limit and am unable to show you what the graph looks like.

In the IPhone this app does have a widget available from the lockscreen though im not sure if android has a comparable feature. Ive found it very convenient to keep track of occurrences throughout the day without having to go through my phone.

Both of these apps have functions that ive found to be very useful and i hope you will think so as well. If you have any other recommendations I’d love to hear them!

Searching the Stars ✨

Kenna

For those who showed interest or requested to be tagged:

@silverloveless @magicmoon65 @overexcitedneurons @sleepyhoneyy @oversensitivebrat

[unkn0wnl0v3]

✿

November 5 2020

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I HAVE D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(11:13)

I had to submit a draft for an assignment and he responded like 5 seconds ago and I’m too nervous to open it and see what it said. I mean I really had to reiterate that I DONT HATE GAYS in my message to him cause I bring up Sodom and Gomorrah. Sex n Gays r cool!!!! Gay is my favorite porn catagory;) Oh my God i should check what he said ok so im Not gonna take Tok long so im Not gonna time stamp this paragraph imma just Add like a symbol

*

PERIODT!!! Ahaha he said i was a good writer and my details R sensitional. I just need to be more specific with my allusions. Which i think is true:)))) ahahahahah OH AND MY ORDER FROM ONLINE CAME.. better go get it and respond to my husband!!!(16:26)

The juniors at my school made another hate thing for D⬇️

Yes this is it but an actual pic of him and his real name(21:25)

Ugh beside that if you didn’t notice from the screenshots of my Home Screen yesterday I fucking love Harlan Ellison. I got his book Angry Candy, it’s really amazing like all his work. I want to get one of his komix next. Don’t @ me I forgot how to spell komix in English so like whatever. I like Ellison’s work cause he never fails to make me think beyond myself and then when I think I’ve thought all I could I realize that I’ve barely realized half of what he wanted the reader to realize. There’s a story called “When Auld’s Acquaintance is forgot” , those kinds of stories get me fucked up. The multiple ideas, opinions and ideology I have to face my own personal thoughts on are rich as well as dark, depth.. spoilers, I think if I had the option to choose I’d delete some memories not the ones about death or childhood trauma. I need those for my character. But there are things I can’t stand to have in my life anymore. Things that make my eyes well no matter how happy I am. If it’s brought up I’m brought down.. In the story you can get rid of memories and it’s given to someone who wants them. Like if you’re sad about a relationship that’s no longer a relationship then you give your memory will be given to someone who’s never been in a relationship and wants to experience that life. I don’t know who would want mine, just like the guy in the book. I mean my aunt made that decision too for my grandma, I think my aunt would want to forget, I think she’d want to delete that memory. I would. If I had to lose someone I fell in love with I’d want to kill the memory I had with them entirely. Every bit of it. I don’t care how hard it would be to go along with regular life again. A world without the person I love the most is in my opinion as worse as not having memories at all.(22:59)

I read another passage of the book, ugh he really is the greatest short story writer. D always says “show don’t tell” Harlan Ellison doesn’t show and he doesn’t tell he just speaks. That’s the way it should be ofc. That’s how I wrote and D told me I was sensational. Hopefully that’s not just him screwing me over and lying that he thinks my story is just sensationalism. Both could be fought over as truths and either could win. Well I was reading broken glass. Jesus Christ!!! It’s so good. Cause is the person sitting on the bus with you able to look into you and read your mind. Or is the person sitting next to you living their most deprave disgusting and morbid thoughts. Or are you sitting in between them preventing then possibility for them to touch physically. The imagination fueling artistic interpretation is key when being a fan of his. I bought fish, they’re coming soon and I’m so excited. I love fish. I’m gonna fucking pass out gn y’all. Also tho I plan on getting a hamster after my fish come (23:25)

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[priskilletz]

So often I feel ugly and undesirable or mediocre and homely that I really wanna change my image or how I dress.

But then I dont have the money, the time, or the energy that it takes to be society's ideal of a glamour girl.

Like I LOVE glamour girls! The hair, the makeup, the nails and the flawless attitudes!

But I'm not that, I keep trying to find ways to make me feel beautiful in my own way and I keep trying to push myself out of my boundries but everytime I do, idk it feels fake and forced and I feel uncomfortable and i start to compare myself to other girls who are glamourous.

My heart of hearts wants to be a glamour girl I think ? but i also dont want to be a glamour girl because I see all the pressure on them to always look beautiful and i see what happens to them when they to get all gussied up every day.

When they take the makeup off they still think they're ugly! Its fucking crazy! It makes me scared to start because if I already think I look like a mediocre middle school trash can WHAT THE HELL am I gonna start sayin about myself when I start gussin up???

I'm tryna work on my self confidence as a woman which is completely different typa self confidence lemme TELL yOU. I know myself as a personality, I know my short comings, my faults, my strengths, my humor, my intellect. I do NOT however know what I'm like as a woman. How I love, how I like, my style, my sex appeal (non exsistant) what I want to look like, what I like to look at, I have a vague idea but I really just think i run around wearing whatever fits my mood at the time.

Sometimes I feel like I need to fit into a catagory, like I need to fit into an aesthetic because the culture everywhere is stand out or fit in and I don't do either of these things. I feel like im peice of a puzzle tht i keep trying to fit into a bigger puzzle that i was never part of in the first place.

I want someone to give me guidelines. I need someone to take me by the hand and show me how to be comfortable with me

But that's never gonna happen because they say there is no booklet, or map, or even a freakin tour guide! You just gotta run round this shit confused and discombobulated until one day you just get it?

Fucking bullshit, I want a refund.

[lynchedmiss]

Entry, 13 mars

gonna start naming them entrys cause i really get of topic sometimes. Btw what i wrote about my dear twim before, about how she distances herself? Not true, atleast about not distancing herself from the "language", she likes to take care of her stuff alone. I guess it is a bit easier, but the Talks that i have w my mom does help. I wish she could understand that. Btw i probably have anxiety (not depression), and should talk to a theraphist (i know someone good). Well neither of this is the reason for this entry, so gonna get to the topic. I HATE how so many people exclude girls and women from the catagory Strong. Like its not that hard, to maybe let the girl save herself for once? Or save someone else? And its very easy just to allow girls to fight? Began to read a manga, where the prot (who was a boy, suprise suprise) wish to join a tornament, but the guy who held it said that he couldnt because girls was allowed (the guy mistook the prot for a girl, haha very funny). Like ARE YOU KIDDING ME. It would have been so easy to just NOT??? fuck you i say. If you needed the joke, just say that kids are not allowed (funny joke) and make the prot be furious about that instead. Or when a group of guys got turned into girls and they ran, they said something like: "wow a girls body are so weak! Its so weird!!1!" And they got more petite bodys and longer hair. Like no?? Tf is the thing about getting long hair? Can you please learn about wtf you are writing, cause thats your DUTY as a writer/author/arist. It is, because you are creating whats true, and people draw pararells. Please. And come on, how hard is it to make not oversexulazied girld be as strong as boys? When girls are strong in mangas, they are bigbreasted or extremly goodlooking, are usually a tsundre type, and in the end, gets saved by the boy so that he can be Cool. And there is always this fucking moment: "dont forget your a girl! And im a boy!!!!" Which basiclly says dont trust me, you are acually weak, you cant be a girl withput being seen as a product for attraction, be aware of the fact that i can do what i want to you. ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME. This is just a way of showing dominace over a girl. Its just mansplaining. Its so fucking annoying. Well sorry for venting but for once, give me an awesome strong gitl who acuallh has feelings. Cause if they dong fit in any of the classic stereotype, they are without feelings with a sad backstory so its almost impossible to relate to the girls. Fuck this shit. I mean i was better than any of the grown ups when i was 6 years old!!( I created my own series about a young girl named 'the brave girl' she could kind of fly and fought with a sword and saved princesses and princes, and became best friends with a dragon, and there was always this new quest she had. She even trsvelled to another dimension (or some kind of pocket in reality) where she met her twinsister (who had a pet lizard). Like seriously?? I swear that i will make a childrens story about the brave girl to free little girls from societys genderroles. And no love or she will fall in love with one of the princesses she saved. ) And during my junior years i played with first a mixed group of boys and girls where we was dragon warriors of the elements, figthing evil, and later with a group of girls and we where elves, masters of the elements (and a few more) in a world that was a mix of avatar the last airbender, inheritage series and lord of the rings. (We were badass girls who deafeted evil and saved our mentor, and each other sometimes, and ourselves.) Like its not hard at all? Trust me, I know cause i have bern doing ever since i started going to school. Well i guess it is a bit hard for people growing up in these genderroles, cause just before middleschool i started writing a story where even though the prot (a girl ofc) was strong, she was saved constantly by the guy. But you can atleast try. And btw, you know almost from the start if it was s guy or girl who wrote the manga. Well till next time.